For Preview Only HAIRY TALE ROCK Book by CHARLIE LOVETT Music and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

Book by Charlie Lovett Music and Lyrics by Bill Francoeur

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the musical 2. The full name of the playwright and composer/arranger 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

For preview only HAIRY TALE ROCK Book by CHARLIE LOVETT Music and lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Speaking) # of lines NARRATOR 1* ...... thoroughly modern narrator 25 NARRATOR 2* ...... Elizabethan narrator 24 ERNESTINE ...... peasant family daughter 32 IDA ...... peasant family mother 26 ELTON ...... peasant family son 33 BURT ...... peasant family father 30 LOU THE UPS GUY...... delivery person for the kingdom 26 WITCH ...... chair of the committee on 26 fairy tales EVIL QUEEN ...... member of the committee 27 on fairy tales FAIRY GODMOTHER ...... ﬂ ightiest member of the 25 committee on fairy tales BIG BAD WOLF* ...... laid-back member of the 20 fairy tale committee LUISA* ...... paparazzo 32 ANTONIO* ...... another paparazzo 32 PAPRIKA ...... the lost Spice Girl 32 RAPUNZEL ...... misunderstood young lady 29 with exceptionally long hair BILL ...... equally long-haired brother to 28 Rapunzel GLORIA ...... long-suffering lady-in-waiting 23 to Princess Iphigenia ANDREW ...... footman to Prince Rupert 21 KING EDWIN ...... of Wychwood-under-Ooze 32 QUEEN EDWINA ...... of Wychwood-under-Ooze 27 PRINCE RUPERT ...... supremely bratty prince of 34 Wychwood-under-Ooze PRINCESS IPHIGENIA ...... obnoxious princess of 32 Wychwood-under-Ooze CHORUS ...... as jesters and Latin dancers n/a * Can be male or female For previewii only SET DESIGN The play utilizes area staging. STAGE RIGHT is the peasant family’s

cottage, which can be indicated by a rustic table and a few chairs or stools. STAGE LEFT is the royal palace, represented by a cut-out façade or backdrop. Thrones are optional. UP CENTER is the enchanted tower, built so that two actors can ascend it and appear above it. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) There can be a bench or two at the foot of the tower. The DOWN CENTER area represents the wild wood. There is one EXIT LEFT and one EXIT RIGHT. It should be possible for actors to move around behind the set and ENTER from either side.

See set design on page 42.

For previewiii only SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS MC1 Hairy Tale Rock—Prelude .Ensemble MC2 The Good Ol’ Days...... Burt, Ida, Ernestine, Elton MC3 Let Down Your Hair ...... Luisa, Antonia, Rapunzel, Bill, Paprika MC4 Rules, Riddles and Rituals ...... Evil Queen, Wolf, Witch, Fairy Godmother

MC5 True Love ...... Princess, Prince, Rapunzel, Bill, Gloria, Andrew

MC6 Empty Nesters ...... King, Queen, Chorus of Jesters

MC7 The Sweet Life of Leisure .Narrator 1, Narrator 2, Dance Chorus MC8 Tower of Love ...... Elton, Ernestine, Rapunzel, Bill MC9 Raise Your Voice ...... Ensemble MC9a Curtain Call—Raise Your Voice ...... Ensemble

For previewiv only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS HAIRY TALE ROCK

PROLOGUE

1 HOUSELIGHTS DOWN. MUSIC CUE 1: “Hairy Tale Rock—Prelude.” During the music introduction, the ENSEMBLE, in a very reserved and stuffy manner, ENTERS LEFT and RIGHT. They move across the front of the stage in front of the curtain. LIGHTS UP. 5 ENSEMBLE: (Sophisticated and stuffy, sings.) Fairy tale, a hairy tale for you, Ever twisting, always tangled. Fairy tale, a merry tale for you. It’s a wonder they’re not strangled. 10 Fairy tale, a hairy tale for you, Ever ﬂ owing, how the people talk. Fairy tale, a merry tale for you, Filled with magic, secrets to unlock. Hairy tale rock! (Immediately becomes loud and boisterous, a 15 complete change of attitude. Laughter, cheers, shouts and hollers.) Fairy tale! A hairy tale for you, Filled with myst’ry, love and romance. Fairy tale! A merry tale for you, There’ll be laughter, music, song and dance!

20 Fairy tale, a hairy tale for you, Ever growing, how the public gawks!

Fairy tale! A merry tale for you,

Little ringlets, yards and yards of locks.

Hairy tale rock! (While the music plays out, the ENSEMBLE members

25 return to their reserved and stuffy attitudes as they EXIT LEFT and RIGHT. MUSIC OUT.)

SCENE ONE LIGHTS UP: NARRATORS 1 and 2 stand DOWN CENTER. NARRATOR 1: (Steps forward. He is dressed in a black suit and wears sunglasses.) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’d like to 30 welcome you to the show and— (SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS.) Would you excuse me for a moment? (Pulls a cell phone from his pocket and answers it.) What is it? (Pause.) Look, I told you not to call when I’m narrating… NARRATOR 2: (Steps forward. He is dressed as if performing in a 35 Shakespeare play.) O, for a muse of ﬁ re that would— NARRATOR 1: (Puts his hand over the cell phone.) What do you think you’re doing?

For preview1 only

1 NARRATOR 2: I’m narrating. I thought I’d start with the opening speech from “Henry the Fifth,” where Shakespeare— NARRATOR 1: (Holds up his hand.) Just stop right now, okay? (Into the phone.) Look, I’m going to have to call you back. I have a little

5 narrating problem here. (Puts away phone and looks at NARRATOR

2.) What are you wearing?

NARRATOR 2: You like it? I thought I’d go for the Elizabethan look. I was going to do the speech where Shakespeare apologizes for not having any scenery. You know, “This wooden O.”

10 NARRATOR 1: We have plenty of scenery.

NARRATOR 2: Yes, but— NARRATOR 1: Look, narrators dress in black, okay? We say what we have to say without any froufrou poetry, and we get off the stage. (SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS.) Now get on with it, I really have 15 to take this call. (Answers his cell phone.) Hello? (Turns his back to the AUDIENCE so he cannot be heard.) NARRATOR 2: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the kingdom of Wychwood-under-Ooze. (Motions RIGHT.) Deep in the forest, in a meager cabin made of dirt and wood, lives a poor family of 20 peasants, scratching the earth to make enough money to feed their malnourished children. They— NARRATOR 1: (Snaps his cell phone shut and turns around.) Look. The peasants live there… (Points RIGHT.) …the enchanted tower is back there… (Points to the tower.) …the royal family lives over 25 there… (Points LEFT.) …the wild wood is where we’re standing, and the story starts now. Come on, let’s get out of here. NARRATOR 2: But I’ve written a lovely sonnet about the hairy children. NARRATOR 1: (Ignores the comment and answers the again RINGING PHONE.) Hello? Yeah, I’m gonna need to see those documents, 30 but you need to fax them to another part of the forest. (EXITS LEFT. NARRATOR 2 EXITS RIGHT. LIGHTS SHIFT RIGHT to the peasants’ cottage. ELTON, ERNESTINE and IDA ENTER RIGHT, carrying burlap bags or perhaps farm tools.) ERNESTINE: Oh, Mother, I’m so tired of working in the ﬁ elds. When I 35 grow up, I want to be something other than a peasant. IDA: If only your father thought that way. But I’m afraid he’ll never be anything but a peasant. ERNESTINE: I’d like to be a civil engineer, or maybe an archeology professor. 40 ELTON: But, Mother, you can’t blame Father. Isn’t the whole point of the peasant class that they can never be anything else?

For preview2 only 1 IDA: Son, even if we lived in a democratic society instead of a feudalistic oligarchy, your father would still ﬁ nd a way to be nothing more than a peasant. BURT: (ENTERS RIGHT with a bucket.) Good evening, family. I’ve 5 brought you all a nice bucket of mud for dinner. ELTON: Father, is it true that you only ever wanted to be a peasant? Personally, I’d like to be an acupuncturist or write Harlequin romances. BURT: You don’t know how lucky you are to be a peasant, son. 10 Personally, I miss the good old days. ERNESTINE: The good old days? BURT: Back when you really had to work hard as a peasant. ELTON: Are you saying we don’t work hard?

BURT: Things are too easy nowadays, what with only having to work

15 20 hours a day and having all the dirt you can eat.

IDA: (Sarcastic.) Yeah, it’s luxury. BURT: It is indeed. Of course when I was young, we had it tough. Worked 24 hours a day, food only on alternate Thursdays and no dental plan. Those were the good old days. 20 ERNESTINE: Gee, thanks for the history lesson, Dad. ELTON: (Looks into the bucket.) And for this delicious-looking dinner. LOU: (ENTERS RIGHT with an eviction notice and clipboard.) I got an eviction notice here for the peasant family. Is that you? IDA: An eviction notice! Don’t tell me the evil queen is going to turn 25 us out of our hovel. LOU: Okay, I won’t tell you. ELTON: So who’s the eviction notice from? (Takes notice from LOU.)

LOU: The evil queen. She’s going to turn you out of your hovel.

IDA: I told you not to tell me.

30 LOU: I didn’t tell you. I told him. (Points at ELTON.) BURT: When do we have to be out? ELTON: It says here we have three days to come up with the back rent, or we must vacate the premises. ERNESTINE: How much do we owe? 35 ELTON: Five hundred ducats. BURT: That will be hard to raise. ERNESTINE: Especially since Wychwood-under-Ooze uses the Euro now. IDA: That, and the fact that we’re impoverished peasants with no hope 40 of improving our lot in life. For preview3 only 1 LOU: Shall I deliver that message to the evil queen? ELTON: Not yet. We still have three days. There must be something we can do. LOU: Well, let me know when you want to write back. I can even get a 5 message to Wychwood when you absolutely have to have it there overnight. ERNESTINE: I thought that was Federal Express. LOU: Well, we deliver for you. IDA: Isn’t that the postal service? 10 LOU: Fine, use UPS when you want a big brown truck to come up your driveway. BURT: Catchy slogan. (Signs clipboard. LOU EXITS RIGHT.) ELTON: Well, I guess we’d better start looking for a way to raise ﬁ ve hundred ducats. (MUSIC CUE 2: “The Good Ol’ Days.”) 15 BURT: (Speaks.) To think we could be turned out of our hovel. It will be just like when I was a boy—what happy memories. (Sings.) When we were young, Now that’s a story to be spoken. IDA: (Sings.) Struggling to survive, 20 Yet there is nothing to regret. BURT: (Sings.) And now that we’re up in years… IDA: (Sings.) You might say, old and broken… BURT/IDA: (Sing.) …we look back on those best of times and never will forget. 25 BURT: (Speaks.) Without a doubt, those were the best years of my life. (Sings.) Well, I remember back when I was livin’ at home, A scrawny, little peasant lad. Side by side we’d snuggle up in what little space we had. We was livin’ the life in a run-down, rickety, rat-infested hut, 30 With the chickens and the pigs, fourteen cats And a ﬂ ea-bitten mangy mutt! Those were the good ol’ days, Livin’ altogether underneath a rottin’ roof. In the good ol’ days, we’d weather any weather, 35 By gosh, I’m livin’ proof, That you can walk to school in six feet o’ snow, Five miles uphill both ways. And there was nary a frown when the house burned down. Yes, them were the good ol’ days! (MUSIC UNDER.) 40 ERNESTINE: (Grossed out, speaks.) You lived with chickens and pigs?! ELTON: (Speaks.) And 14 cats?! For preview4 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 BURT: (With a smile, reminiscing, speaks.) And a mangy mutt. It was pure bliss. ERNESTINE: (Speaks.) Gross! BURT: (Speaks.) And there was discipline in our house, too! When we 5 were bad, we could expect a whoopin’. And when Pa was too tired to whoop us, he’d make us whoop ourselves! And we didn’t hold back, neither! We’d always give ourselves a bigger whoopin’ than Pa did! (ELTON and ERNESTINE look at each other and roll their eyes. MUSIC UP.)

10 IDA: (Speaks.) Ah, you kids ain’t heard nothin’! (Sings.) Well, I recall a time when I was ragged and poor,

A starvin’, little peasant gal. The roof, it leaked, and the dirt ﬂ oor reeked, Like livin’ in a horse corral. 15 And it smelled so bad you’d ﬁ nd yourself Just a-wishing for a sinus cold. And what food we had was second hand And always covered in mold. Those were the good ol’ days, hungry as a termite, 20 Livin’ in a concrete house. In the good ol’ days, the money was tight, We was poor as an ol’ church mouse. We wore patched up clothes, no shoes t’ boot.

Never had no throwaways. 25 We was hungry, broke and miserable, But them were the good ol’ days! (DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE. BURT and IDA happily dance a Texas Two-Step while ELTON and ERNESTINE look on in amusement. They soon get caught up in the fun and begin dancing along.) 30 ALL: (Sing.) Those were the good ol’ days! BURT/IDA: (Sing.) Sleepin’ in a pit with the bed bugs by our side. And we never complained when the bed bugs bit. By gosh, we had our pride. I get a lump in my throat and the tears well up 35 When I think back on those times. It was a heck of a life, let me count the ways… ALL: (Sing.) …Yes, them were the good ol’ days! BURT/IDA: (Sing.) We was down and out and destitute! Pitiful, poor, no grub, no loot! 40 Hungry, broke, Lord be praised! ALL: (Sing.) Them were the good ol’ days! (MUSIC OUT. BURT and IDA laugh while ELTON and ERNESTINE look on, smiling and shaking their heads.)

5 For preview only 1 IDA: Come along, dear. (BURT, ELTON and ERNESTINE EXIT RIGHT.) At least we can always go live in the Wychwood home for village idiots. (EXITS RIGHT. LIGHTS SHIFT DOWN CENTER to the wild wood.) WITCH: (ENTERS LEFT with EVIL QUEEN, WOLF and FAIRY GODMOTHER 5 and cross to DOWN CENTER. They each carry a chair to set up for their meeting.) Attention, everyone! This meeting of the committee on fairy tales will now come to order. EVIL QUEEN: Who elected you chairman? FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, I know the answer to that riddle. Let me 10 think… we did, at the last meeting, I remember. WITCH: Right you are, Fairy Godmother, and speaking of the last meeting, can the evil queen give us a report on the adoption of the magic number? EVIL QUEEN: Yes. As you recall last time, at my suggestion, we agreed 15 that three would be the magic fairy tale number. WOLF: Yeah, I met four unemployed dwarfs who aren’t too pleased about that. WITCH: And has the subcommittee on future fairy tales come up with any new story ideas?

20 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, yes, your highness, we’ve got lots.

EVIL QUEEN: She’s not a highness, she’s a witch. I am a highness. (Aside.) That’s why I ought to be chairman. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Okay, yes, your witchness. (Pulls out a paper.) How about “Three Brides for Three Brothers”? 25 EVIL QUEEN: Mine’s better… “Three Weddings and a Funeral.” WOLF: I like “The Two Musketeers.”

WITCH: “The Two Musketeers”?

WOLF: I admit that one still needs work.

WITCH: What about the story we’re in?

30 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, I know, I know. This story doesn’t count

since it’s a hairy tale, not a fairy tale.

WOLF: Yeah, but it does have three sets of siblings. EVIL QUEEN: And I gave the peasant family three days to come up with their rent. 35 WITCH: Excellent! Well done. Perhaps we should discuss including hairy tales in our dominion. EVIL QUEEN: Might I remind the chairman that today’s meeting is to choose the three Rs of fairy tales.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Do they have to be Rs? There are so many other

40 letters.

For preview6 only 1 WOLF: Somehow the three Ws of fairy tales just doesn’t have the right ring to it. EVIL QUEEN: I suggest that we break into focus groups of, say, one person each and reconvene somewhere in the middle of scene 5 three. (EXITS LEFT with WOLF and FAIRY GODMOTHER. They take the chairs with them.) WITCH: All in favor? (Silence, since everyone has left.) I guess that means yes. (EXITS LEFT with chair. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

Scene Two

LIGHTS UP: The enchanted tower, UP CENTER. LUISA ENTERS 10 RIGHT, and ANTONIO ENTERS LEFT. They carry cameras and wear photographer’s vests. LUISA: My friend, Antonio. How are you? ANTONIO: Luisa! So good to see you again. (They shake hands.) Have you taken any good pictures lately? 15 LUISA: Oh, yes. You know that guy who won Jeopardy something like a thousand times in a row? ANTONIO: (In amazement.) Did you get him? LUISA: No, but I got some shots of his mailman’s dog sunbathing. ANTONIO: I saw those on the cover of “Wychwood People”—the “50 20 Most Intriguing Dogs” issue. Very nice work. LUISA: Thank you, my friend. So, what brings you to the forest?

ANTONIO: I have a tip that a major celebrity will be appearing here.

LUISA: That’s funny. I got the same tip.

PAPRIKA: (ENTERS LEFT. She is dressed in an outrageous outﬁ t with

25 wild colors and a Cindy Lauper sense of style.) Here I am, guys! Can

you believe it’s me? (Strikes a pose.)

ANTONIO: (Points RIGHT.) There she is! (He and LUISA begin madly snapping pictures as RAPUNZEL and BILL ENTER RIGHT. They each wear a long yarn wig.) Hey, Rapunzel, over here! Flash us a smile.

30 RAPUNZEL: We have a brief statement to read for the press.

LUISA: Who’s the fella?

BILL: I am Rapunzel’s brother, Bill. And I just want everyone to know that I stand by my sister 100 percent at this difﬁ cult time. PAPRIKA: Hey, what about me?! I’m the celebrity here. Do you have 35 any idea who I am? RAPUNZEL: At approximately eight o’clock this morning, my brother and I were issued the following ultimatum by our father.

For preview7 only 1 BILL: (Takes out a piece of paper and reads.) I’ll try to read this just as it was given. (Changes his tone to that of an enraged parent. Reads.) “If the two of you don’t get your hair cut this minute, I’m kicking you out of my house!” 5 ANTONIO: Did he give you three days to comply? RAPUNZEL: He didn’t give us three minutes. When we refused to cut our hair, we were banished to the wild wood where we will be forced to live in this tower.

PAPRIKA: (Interrupts loudly.) I’d just like to thank all my fans who

10 stuck by me through the tough times.

LUISA: Do you mind? We’re trying to listen to Rapunzel! (Turns her

attention back to RAPUNZEL.) So how long will you be living in this

tower?

BILL: Only true love can restore us to society.

15 RAPUNZEL: Or a haircut.

BILL: Right, a haircut. PAPRIKA: Speaking of haircuts, I completely changed my hairstyle. I go to this marvelous salon in Beverly Hills. ANTONIO: (Ignores PAPRIKA.) Can we get a few pictures in the tower? 20 (BILL and RAPUNZEL EXIT behind the tower and ascend the ladders. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) PAPRIKA: What a fabulous idea! I look great in towers. (Looks at the tower.) Say, there’s no door in this thing. LUISA: I never thought I’d get a chance to photograph someone as 25 famous as Rapunzel. PAPRIKA: I’m famous, too, you know! Or I would be if you’d take my picture. RAPUNZEL: (APPEARS at the top of the tower with BILL.) How’s this? (She and BILL wave as LUISA and ANTONIO snap pictures.)

30 PAPRIKA: How did you get up there?

BILL: It’s a magic tower. Only exiled fairy tale characters can reach

the top.

LUISA: Hey, Bill, Rapunzel, let down your long hair. BILL: Sorry, bucko, no can do. 35 ANTONIO: What do you mean, “No can do?” PAPRIKA: (Quickly.) I’ll let my hair down! (ALL ignore her.) RAPUNZEL: What he means is, we can only let our hair down (Dramatically.) to the tune of enchanted fairy tale music. (Quickly.) You have to sing us a song. 40 ANTONIO: What?!

For preview8 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 LUISA: What do you think this is, …a Broadway musical?! (RAPUNZEL and BILL dramatically and with a ﬂ ourish, wave their hands in the air and music magically begins to play. MUSIC CUE 3: “Let Down Your Hair.” Speaks.) Oh, my gosh, Antonio. Do you hear that? 5 ANTONIO: (Looks around. Speaks.) It’s music! LUISA: (Looks around. Speaks.) Where’s it coming from? ANTONIO: (Speaks.) I don’t know. PAPRIKA: (More forceful. Speaks.) I’ll let my hair down! (Again, ALL ignore her.) 10 RAPUNZEL: (Folds her arms, adamant. Speaks.) No song… BILL: (Folds his arms, equally adamant. Speaks.) …no hair! LUISA/ANTONIO: (Look at each other, with a blank expression, then in unison, look back to RAPUNZEL and BILL. After a comedic pause, they each extend an arm up to RAPUNZEL and BILL and sing, 15 deadpan.) Let down your hair, Rapunzel and Bill. Show us your beautiful locks. PAPRIKA: (Speaks.) I have beautiful locks, too. LUISA/ANTONIO: (Sing.) Let down your hair, Rapunzel and Bill. It’s as priceless as blue-chip stocks. 20 PAPRIKA: (Speaks.) What am I, chopped dragon?! LUISA/ANTONIO: (Sing.) You’ve got the mops and we’ve got the skill. We’ll make you famous as Jack and Jill. Won’t you let down your long, long hair, Rapunzel and Bill? (RAPUNZEL and BILL lower their hair part way.) 25 Let down your hair, so we can photograph. We’ll make you rich and renowned. PAPRIKA: (Sadly, speaks.) I’ve been rich and renowned. LUISA/ANTONIO: (Sing.) TV appearances and autographs, People will come from miles around. 30 PAPRIKA: (Sadly, speaks.) I remember it well. LUISA/ANTONIO: (Sing.) You’ll be the girl and boy of the hour. We’ll make you king and queen of the tower. Won’t you let down your long, long hair, Rapunzel and Bill? RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Lower their hair a little more. Sing.) 35 We’ve got hair… PAPRIKA: (Sings.) I’ve got hair… RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.)…beautiful hair! PAPRIKA: (Sings.) …beautiful hair! RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) We’ve got hair… 40 PAPRIKA: (Sings.) I’ve got hair…

For preview9 only

1 RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) …magnifi cent hair! PAPRIKA: (Sings.) …magnifi cent hair! RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) It’s so long and soft, shiny and sleek. We know you’d like a peek of this hair. 5 PAPRIKA: (Sings.) I’m so sick! I’m so sick of their… RAPUNZEL/BILL/PAPRIKA: (Sing.)…wonderful hair! (MUSIC BREAKS. BILL and RAPUNZEL lower their hair the rest of the way. It reaches nearly to the foot of the tower.) (The following THREE STANZAS are sung as a TRIO.) 10 RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) We’ve got hair, beautiful hair! We’ve got hair, magnifi cent hair! It’s so long and soft, shiny and sleek. We know you’d like a peek of this hair, ‘Cause we’re Rapunzel and Bill! 15 We know you’d like a peek of this hair!

‘Cause we’re Rapunzel and Bill!

LUISA/ANTONIO: (Again, extending an arm up to RAPUNZEL and BILL,

sing.) Let down your hair, Rapunzel and Bill. Show us your beautiful locks. 20 Let down your hair, Rapunzel and Bill, It’s as priceless as blue-chip stocks. You’ve got the mops, and we’ve got the skill. We’ll make you famous as Jack and Jill. Won’t you let down your long, long hair, Rapunzel and Bill? 25 Won’t you let down your long, long hair, Rapunzel and Bill? PAPRIKA: (Sings.) I’ve got hair, Beautiful hair! I’ve got hair,

Magniﬁ cent hair!

30 I’m so sick! I’m so sick of Rapunzel and Bill! I’m so sick! I’m so sick of Rapunzel and Bill! ALL: (Sing.) Cha, cha, cha! (MUSIC OUT.) LUISA: Fabulous! (She and ANTONIO take more pictures.)

ANTONIO: I gotta run. I want to sell these pictures to the “Wychwood 35 Star.” (EXITS LEFT.)

LUISA: Wait! I’m going to sell my pictures to the “Wychwood Star.” (Follows ANTONIO OFF.)

PAPRIKA: Take my picture! Take my picture! I’ll give you an exclusive. (Chases OFF after them.) 40 BILL: Well, sister. Do you think true love will ever ﬁ nd us in this tower?

RAPUNZEL: I sure hope so. There’s nothing in the fridge but Brussels sprouts, asparagus and orange marmalade! For preview10 only 1 BILL: I’d rather eat a bucket of mud! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Two

Scene Three LIGHTS UP: The palace, LEFT. ANDREW and GLORIA ENTER LEFT.

GLORIA: Ooh, that Princess Iphigenia drives me crazy. Walks around

acting like she’s royalty or something.

5 ANDREW: Well, at least you don’t have to deal with Prince Rupert. He treats me like I’m some kind of a servant.

GLORIA: Well, you are a footman. ANDREW: Right, a footman. Not a servant. A foot man. GLORIA: What is a footman anyway? 10 ANDREW: Like a handmaiden, only with feet and men. GLORIA: Right. (Hops to attention.) Here come the king and queen. (KING and QUEEN ENTER LEFT. GLORIA and ANDREW bow to them.)

QUEEN: Greetings, Andrew. Greetings, Gloria. What are the children

up to this morning?

15 ANDREW: If it please Your Majesties, Prince Rupert is sulking. KING: It does not please us majesties. What about Princess Iphigenia? GLORIA: She’s pouting. QUEEN: Well, at least she’s not sulking. KING: Fetch the children immediately. We have something to tell them. 20 ANDREW: Are you using the royal “we,” or do you both have something to tell them? KING: (Points OFF LEFT, angry.) Fetch! GLORIA: (Aside as she and ANDREW EXIT LEFT.) Shouldn’t he at least throw a stick before he says that? 25 QUEEN: Whatever are we to do about the children, Edwin? I do fear we may have spoiled them. KING: You may be right, my fair Edwina. They won’t clean their rooms, they won’t do their homework. QUEEN: Rupert refuses to take out the trash, and Iphigenia says I 30 can’t force her to mow the lawn. KING: This requires immediate parental action. QUEEN: What are you going to do? KING: (As ANDREW shoves PRINCE ON and GLORIA pulls PRINCESS ON by the ear.) I’m going to watch you handle the situation.

35 PRINCE: You don’t have to shove me. PRINCESS: Let go of my ear!

QUEEN: Good morning, children. For preview11 only 1 PRINCE: Mom, Iphigenia borrowed my Monopoly board, and she lost the little dog and the top hat. PRINCESS: So? Rupert took all the vowels out of my Scrabble game. QUEEN: Tell me children, have you cleaned up your rooms? 5 PRINCE: Why should I clean up my room? I have a footman for that. ANDREW: That’s not my job. Besides, with the mess you’ve made, I’d get my uniform all dirty. KING: Well, what about your homework? PRINCESS: I told Gloria to do it, but she keeps giving me some sob 10 story about not understanding fractions. GLORIA: Well, I learned everything in base eight, and it’s confusing to have two more digits. Think if you had twelve ﬁ ngers. QUEEN: I’ve had it with you children. I really mean it this time. I’m going to… to… Oh, Edwin, I don’t know what to do. 15 KING: Neither do I. (ANDREW whispers into the KING’S ear.) Actually, I’ve just gotten a brilliant idea. I’m going to issue an edict. (ANDREW whispers more.) Rupert and Iphigenia, you two are the most disagreeable children I’ve ever met. Therefore, I hereby banish you to the wild wood. 20 PRINCE: For how long? KING: Until… until…

GLORIA: Until you ﬁ nd true love. (A gasp goes up from the PRINCE, PRINCESS and OTHERS.) KING: Ooooh. That’s a good one. 25 PRINCESS: But, Father, that could take years.

PRINCE: Yeah, who would love us? We’re total brats.

PRINCESS: Speak for yourself. I’m no brat. PRINCE: You are, too. You’re noxious. PRINCESS: Well, you’re obnoxious. 30 PRINCE: Yeah? Well, you’re super-obnoxious. PRINCESS: Well, they don’t even have a preﬁ x for what you are.

PRINCE: Yeah, well, I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say

bounces off me and sticks to you.

PRINCESS: Yeah, well—

35 KING: (Shouts.) Children! Your exile begins now! (SOUND EFFECT: CRASH OF THUNDER and a FLASH OF LIGHTS, ALL EXIT LEFT, except the PRINCE and PRINCESS, who move DOWN CENTER to the wild wood. LIGHTS UP DOWN CENTER.) PRINCE: It sure is lonely in these woods.

For preview12 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 ELTON: (ENTERS RIGHT with ERNESTINE.) You really think we’ll ﬁ nd a way to make ﬁ ve hundred ducats out here in the woods? ERNESTINE: What else would we do, work the fryer at Fairy Tale Burgers? (They pass the PRINCE and PRINCESS and wave.) Hello. 5 (EXITS LEFT with ELTON.) PRINCESS: You’re right, brother. It’s spooky being so alone. BURT: (ENTERS RIGHT with IDA.) So, your brother can give us 22 ducats, and we won 17 yen in the Publishers’ Clearing House. IDA: (Working a sum on a calculator.) Let’s see, 17 yen equals… two 10 thirds of a ducat. BURT: Great, only 477 and a third ducats to go. (He and IDA pass the PRINCE and PRINCESS.)

IDA: Hello, children. (EXITS LEFT with BURT.) FAIRY GODMOTHER: (ENTERS LEFT with WOLF.) Oh, dear, we shall be 15 late to the committee meeting. And I have such a good collection of Rs. Let’s see, there’s wrinkle and wristband and writhing… (As she passes the PRINCE and PRINCESS.) Hello, dearies. (EXITS RIGHT with the WOLF as she continues listing words.) Then there’s wrangling and wrenches… 20 LUISA: (ENTERS LEFT with ANTONIO behind her.) I’ll bet I can sell these Rapunzel pictures to the “Star” for a thousand ducats. ANTONIO: (Muscles past LUISA.) Not if I get there ﬁ rst you won’t. (As he shoves past the PRINCE and PRINCESS.) Pardon me. (The PAPARAZZI EXIT RIGHT.) 25 PAPRIKA: (ENTERS LEFT, chasing after ANTONIO and LUISA.) Yoo-hoo, people with cameras! I’ll tell you all about my miserable childhood! (EXITS RIGHT after them, elbowing the PRINCE and PRINCESS out of her way.) WITCH: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying a gavel, closely followed IN by the EVIL 30 QUEEN.) I’m the chairman, I get to call the committee to order. EVIL QUEEN: But I’m the chairman of the subcommittee. PRINCE: (Shouts.) Hey, excuse me, everybody! (BURT, IDA, ELTON, ERNESTINE, the PAPARAZZI, PAPRIKA, FAIRY GODMOTHER and WOLF [and more if desired] all step ONSTAGE from wherever they exited.) 35 WOLF: Yeah, what is it? PRINCE: My sister and I have been exiled to the loneliness of the wild wood. PRINCESS: Yeah, and it’s a bit hard to be lonely… (Shouts.) …with all you people around. 40 PRINCE: So, would you mind leaving? (Amid general grumbling and “Sorry,” the CROWD EXITS again, leaving the PRINCE and PRINCESS

alone ONSTAGE.) For preview13 only

1 PRINCESS: That’s more like it. PRINCE: Now, as I was saying… it sure is lonely out here. PRINCESS: You can say that again. (They EXIT LEFT as LIGHTS SHIFT to another part of the wild wood. WITCH and EVIL QUEEN ENTER

5 LEFT and FAIRY GODMOTHER and WOLF ENTER RIGHT.) WITCH: This meeting of the committee on fairy tales will now come to order. EVIL QUEEN: (Grabs the gavel from the WITCH.) No, this meeting of the subcommittee on the three Rs of fairy tales will now come to order. 10 WITCH: Fine, have it your way. I still outrank you. EVIL QUEEN: In your dreams. Now, do we have suggestions from the ﬂ oor? WOLF: Yeah, I got one. How about reading, writing and arithmetic?

WITCH: First of all, those are the three Rs of elementary education,

15 and secondly they’re actually one R, a W and an A. EVIL QUEEN: (Aside.) Am I the only one who’s bothered by that? FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Excited.) Call on me next, call on me! EVIL QUEEN: Yes, Fairy Godmother. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Pulls out a piece of paper.) Oh, good. Right. 20 Now, here are my three Rs—wrestling, wrapping paper and Wrigley Field. WOLF: Wait a minute—none of those starts with R. WITCH: Not to mention the fact that none of them has anything to do with fairy tales. 25 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Looks at her paper.) What was the assignment again? (MUSIC CUE 4: “Rules, Riddles and Rituals.”) EVIL QUEEN: (Speaks.) As chairman of the subcommittee, I hereby move for the adoption of my suggestion for the three Rs of fairy tales. (Dramatic.) Rules, riddles and rituals. 30 WOLF: (Speaks.) Sounds cool. I got no problem with that. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Speaks.) If you’re sure wrestling doesn’t begin with an R, then I guess I vote yes. EVIL QUEEN: (Speaks.) Ha! That’s the three votes, and three is the magic number. My proposal is adopted. 35 ALL: (Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! EVIL QUEEN: (Sings.) You gotta have all three to tell the story. ALL: (Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! EVIL QUEEN: (Sings.) It’s whatcha need in every fairy tale. (The focus turns to the AUDIENCE. Raps.) 40 They teach it in the schools that ya gotta have rules. For preview14 only 1 WITCH: (Raps.) Don’t be playin’ dirty pool, don’t cha spoil the day. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Raps.) It’s a necessary tool. Don’t be cruel, ridicule. WOLF: (Raps.) Hey, fool, be cool! Read the rules and obey! 5 ALL: (Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! EVIL QUEEN: (Sings.) We got the three big Rs in all their glory! ALL: (Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! It’s whatcha need in every fairy tale.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Raps.)

10 Like a ﬁ ne peanut brittle, oh, you gotta love a riddle,

WITCH: (Raps.) A skediddle-daddle riddle that’ll tease the brain.

WOLF: (Raps.) And little by little, you unravel and you whittle,

ALL: (Rap.) Till your diddle-daddle-dum-diddle-ee plum insane!

(Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! 15 You gotta have all three to tell the story. Rules, riddles and rituals! It’s what you need in every fairy tale.

The three big Rs, you gotta love ’em

They add a little spice to the recipe.

20 The three big Rs, ya really gotta love ’em.

They’re comin’ at cha, guaranteed! (BRASS/DANCE INTERLUDE.

The FOUR dance a “funky” dance.)

WOLF: (Raps.) Need a fi st full, a sack full, a trunk full of ritual. WITCH: (Raps.) A pinch of the unusual, then stir it in the pot. 25 EVIL QUEEN: (Raps.) Yes, it’s gotta be factual, but not too conventional. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Raps.) Super intellectual… WOLF: (Raps.) …historical! EVIL QUEEN: (Raps.) …voila, a plot! Or not. 30 WOLF: (Raps.) Oh, yeah. ALL: (Sing.) Rules, riddles and rituals! You gotta have all three to tell the story. Rules, riddles and rituals! It’s whatcha need in every fairy tale! 35 EVIL QUEEN/WITCH: (Rap.) We got the time, got the tools to make up every rule! FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Raps.) Ain’t gonna play second fi ddle, gonna come up with a riddle! WOLF: (Raps.) Gonna make every ritual (Grunts.) ugh—habitual. 40 ALL: (Rap.) Yeah! (MUSIC OUT.) For preview15 only 1 WITCH: Fine. The fi rst rule is that the chairman of a committee outranks the chairman of a subcommittee. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Shouldn’t the rules have something to do with fairy tales? 5 WOLF: Hey, I know the second rule. They already told Prince Rupert and Princess Iphigenia and Bill and Rapunzel. Your exile ends only when you fi nd true love. EVIL QUEEN: Or get a haircut. WITCH: Then the third rule should be that there is no true love without 10 true sacrifi ce. WOLF: Whoa, pretty heavy-duty rule for a fairy tale. EVIL QUEEN: Fine, I accept. The chairman and I will tell the exiles of the new rules. Big Bad Wolf, you’re in charge of rituals. Fairy Godmother, you take care of the riddles. 15 FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, I have a good one. Two trains leave Toronto at eight o’clock and one serves bacon and pancakes in the dining car while the other—

WITCH: Not now! You have to make them part of the story. Now, this meeting is adjourned. (EXITS RIGHT with WOLF and FAIRY 20 GODMOTHER.)

EVIL QUEEN: I’m the chairman of the subcommittee and the meeting’s not adjourned until I say it’s adjourned. (Looks around to discover herself alone on stage.) I guess it’s adjourned. (Bangs gavel. EXITS RIGHT.)

25 NARRATOR 2: (ENTERS RIGHT.) And so from forth the board room of the subcommittee did issue this decree, that without sacriﬁ ce, no noble love should be. NARRATOR 1: (ENTERS LEFT, on his cell phone.) Can I call you back? (Hangs up.) I thought I told you to change clothes. 30 NARRATOR 2: We’re not in mourning, nor do we colored costumes lack, so tell me why we should be dressed in boring black. NARRATOR 1: What are you doing? Are you talking in rhyme? NARRATOR 2: Is that a crime?

NARRATOR 1: Look, no crazy clothes and no talking in rhyme, 35 understand? (To AUDIENCE.) Sorry about this, folks. You know how hard it is to get good narrators these days. NARRATOR 2: They liked the rhymes just fi ne. NARRATOR 1: I’ll deal with you later. Look, ladies and gentlemen, all you need to know is that the new rules adopted by the 40 subcommittee on the three R’s of fairy tales now apply to this story. So if the prince and princess and Rapunzel and Bill want to end their exiles, they must fi nd true love. For preview16 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 NARRATOR 2: And to fi nd true love, they must make a sacrifi ce, which— NARRATOR 1: You were going to rhyme something, weren’t you? I won’t act very nice if I have to tell you twice! 5 NARRATOR 2: Ha, you rhymed yourself! NARRATOR 1: Get out of here! (Shoves NARRATOR 2 OFF RIGHT.) We’ll just let you get back to your story. (EXITS RIGHT, but sounds of an argument are heard briefl y from OFF STAGE. BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Three

Scene Four LIGHTS UP: The peasants’ cottage, RIGHT. ELTON and ERNESTINE 10 ENTER RIGHT. ELTON: That’s a brilliant idea. I wonder why none of the rest of us thought of it. ERNESTINE: I did take that class in thinking outside the box when I was working on my MBA at Peasant University. 15 ELTON: But we don’t even have a box. IDA: (ENTERS RIGHT with BURT.) Children, children, I have wonderful news. Your father and I have visited all our relatives and entered 26 sweepstakes, and we’ve managed to scrape together 47 and two thirds ducats. 20 BURT: So even if we get evicted from the house, we may be able to keep the broom closet. It’ll be just like the good old days. ELTON: Mother, Father, Ernestine has a plan that might help us keep our home. IDA: What is it, Ernestine, dear? 25 ERNESTINE: Well, now, this is going to sound shocking, but hear me out, and remember this is our home we’re talking about saving. BURT: What’s your idea? Cut back on our mud dinners so we can save money? ERNESTINE: Not exactly. I was thinking if Elton sold his iPod and Mom 30 sold her portable DVD player and Dad sold his fl at panel TV and I sold my new iMac, we might have enough money to pay the rent. BURT: I never thought of that. IDA: You don’t think you’d have enough if you all sold your things and I kept my DVD player? 35 BURT: I don’t know, a hovel just isn’t a hovel without a fl at panel TV. Even in the good old days we had a 53-inch screen and digital satellite. ELTON: Look, Ernestine and I are willing to make the sacrifi ce. For preview17 only

1 WOLF: (Peers ON RIGHT, to AUDIENCE.) Did I hear someone say sacriﬁ ce? There must be some true love in this family. IDA: Okay, I’ll do it. BURT: But, Ida! 5 IDA: For the children, dear. So they can have a nice pile of straw and dirt to call their home. BURT: Well, all right. But can I keep my CD burner? IDA: Yes, dear, and we’ll still have the fax machine and the copier and the microwave. 10 BURT: Well, as long as we still have the microwave. My old granddad used to say, mud is best when it’s cooked in the microwave. ELTON: So we can sell the rest? BURT: Fine, but make sure you get at least… how much do we need? IDA: Four hundred ﬁ fty-two and a third ducats. 15 ERNESTINE: Don’t worry, Mom, we will. Come on, Elton, let’s get to work. (Rushes OFF RIGHT with ELTON.) BURT: Maybe there will be enough left over to buy that scanner you’ve always wanted. IDA: Oh, Burt, you’re such a romantic. (They EXIT RIGHT, arm in arm. 20 LIGHTS SHIFT UP CENTER to the enchanted tower. RAPUNZEL and BILL APPEAR at the top of the tower, their hair cascading over the ramparts. PRINCE and PRINCESS ENTER LEFT with ANDREW and GLORIA.) PRINCE: Hey, nice tower you have here. Are you royalty? 25 RAPUNZEL: No, we are Rapunzel and Bill, two citizens of Wychwood- under-Ooze, banished to the woods and forced to live in this tower.

PRINCESS: We are Prince Rupert and Princess Iphigenia, and we’ve been banished, too. What did you do?

BILL: My sister and I refuse to cut our hair. 30 ANDREW: (Snide.) Gee, I can’t imagine why anybody would want you to cut your hair.

GLORIA: To save on the shampoo bill maybe?

PRINCE: Silence, servants. When we want your opinion, we’ll… we’ll…

PRINCESS: When we want your opinion, the world will have come to

35 an end. (ANDREW and GLORIA sulk.)

PRINCE: So, Rapunzel and Bill, did they tell you what you had to do

to end your exile?

RAPUNZEL: We either had to get haircuts… which is out of the

question…

40 BILL: …or we had to ﬁ nd true love, which is not the easiest thing to do when you’re locked in a tower. For preview18 only 1 PRINCESS: We have to ﬁ nd true love, too! ANDREW: (Aside, cynical.) Imagine the coincidence. (GLORIA shushes him. MUSIC CUE 5: “True Love.” The PRINCESS and GLORIA move to one side of the tower and sit on the bench underneath RAPUNZEL 5 while the PRINCE and ANDREW move to the other side of the tower and sit on the bench underneath BILL. [NOTE: Each GROUP speaks and sings without the OTHER GROUP hearing or knowing they’re there.])

PRINCE: (Speaks, cynical.) Ya know, I‘m really not sure about this 10 whole “true love” thing.

BILL: (Speaks.) I know what you mean. ANDREW: (Speaks.) I couldn’t agree more. PRINCESS: (Speaks, cynical.) Ya know, you gotta ask yourself, “Is true love all it’s cracked up to be?” 15 RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) I know what you mean. GLORIA: (Speaks.) I couldn’t agree more. PRINCESS: (Speaks.) I mean… just think about it! (Sings.) Imagine all the heartache when true love’s ﬁ nally here. RAPUNZEL: (Sings.) 20 Would he be there when I need him most of all? GLORIA: (Sings.) And those nights out with his buddies. We will live in constant fear… ALL THREE GIRLS: (Sing.) …that it’s the boot when someone better comes along! 25 True love’s for dreamers! And this ain’t no “happy ever after” song! Yes, true love’s for dreamers.

It’s only meant to move the plot along.

PRINCE: (Sings.) 30 Imagine all the headaches when true love’s at my door. BILL: (Sings.) They’ll be bick’ring, they’ll be nagging all the time!

ANDREW: (Sings, distasteful.) First it’s kissing, then it’s cuddling, Then it’s marriage and diapers galore. ALL THREE GUYS: (Sing.) 35 They oughta make these fairy tales a crime! True love’s for losers! And this ain’t no “happy ever after” song! Yes, true love‘s for losers. Guess it’s the old ball and chain from now on! 40 ALL: (Sing.) True love’s… GIRLS: (Sing.) …for dreamers! GUYS: (Sing.) …for losers! For preview19 only 1 ALL: (Sing.) And this ain’t no “happy ever after” song! Yes, true love‘s… GIRLS: (Sing.) …for dreamers! GUYS: (Sing.) …for losers! 5 GIRLS: (Sing.) No more ladies’ night, those happy days are gone. GUYS: (Sing.) No more cruisin’ with the guys from dusk till dawn. ALL: (Sing.) Guess it’s the old ball and chain and one more true love song! Song! One more sappy true love song! (On the last chord the GIRLS 10 and GUYS look at each other adoringly and give a big, fake, ear-to- ear grin. MUSIC OUT.) PRINCE: Look, maybe if we get you down from that tower, we can be each other’s true loves and then we can get out of this stupid forest. RAPUNZEL: Maybe. 15 PRINCESS: Gloria, Andrew. Hie you to the royal garden shed and bring us the longest ladder you can ﬁ nd and meet us back here in one hour. GLORIA: Where are you going? PRINCESS: I’m getting my nails done. There’s a fabulous manicurist 20 in the wild wood. ANDREW: And is Prince Rupert going to get a manicure? PRINCE: Look, mind your own business and go get that ladder. (GLORIA and ANDREW EXIT LEFT. PRINCE looks at his nails.) Actually, I have naturally beautiful nails. Maybe I’ll get a facial. (EXITS LEFT with 25 PRINCESS. BILL and RAPUNZEL disappear behind the ramparts. LIGHTS SHIFT LEFT to the royal palace.) KING: (ENTERS LEFT with QUEEN.) Ah, what a peaceful morning at the palace. I can’t remember when it’s been so quiet.

QUEEN: We should have exiled the children years ago.

30 KING: Was that an interior decorator I saw in the grand ballroom?

QUEEN: Yes, I’m having Iphigenia’s room done over as a shoe closet.

KING: Spifﬁ ng! Perhaps I should use Prince Rupert’s room to ﬁ le my old income tax returns.

QUEEN: We’re royalty, dear. We don’t pay income tax.

35 KING: Well, I won’t have to worry about running out of space, then. (FAIRY GODMOTHER ENTERS RIGHT.)

QUEEN: Good morning, Fairy Godmother. What brings you to the palace this morning?

FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Proud.) I’ve been put in charge of riddles by the

40 fairy tale committee.

For preview20 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 KING: Riddles? FAIRY GODMOTHER: Yes. You see, we voted that every fairy tale must have rules, riddles and rituals, and I’m in charge of riddles. Would you like to hear one? 5 QUEEN: Why not? Now that the children are gone, we have time for such diversions. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Okay, okay. What time is it? KING: (Looks at his watch.) Ten thirty. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, you already knew the answer to that one. 10 QUEEN: It wasn’t exactly a riddle. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Okay, try this one. Do you pronounce the capital of Florida Miam-ee or Miam-ah? QUEEN: Neither. I pronounce it Tallahassee. FAIRY GODMOTHER: (Disappointed.) Tallahassee? Oh, dear. I suppose 15 I shall just have to keep trying. (EXITS RIGHT.) KING: Sometimes I think fairy tales are getting so complicated that we should move to the real world. QUEEN: Nonsense, darling. What on earth would you do in the real world? 20 KING: Well I could… I could… hmm, I see your point. (They EXIT LEFT. LIGHTS SHIFT DOWN CENTER to the wild wood. LOU ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a pizza box.) LUISA: (ENTERS RIGHT with ANTONIO.) Hey, Lou, I thought you were the UPS guy. 25 LOU: I moonlight as Lou the pizza delivery guy. You seen a tower around here someplace? ANTONIO: Sure, we were taking pictures there yesterday.

LUISA: You delivered my ﬁ lm to the “Wychwood Star,” didn’t you?

ANTONIO: And mine?

30 LOU: Sure I did. The editor said the pictures didn’t turn out, though.

ANTONIO: How could they not turn out? I’m an award-winning photographer.

LUISA: What award did you win?

ANTONIO: I won a homework pass in third grade for collecting more

35 box tops than anyone else in my class.

LOU: Well, apparently even award-winning photographers need to take the lens cap off before they take pictures.

ANTONIO/LUISA: The lens cap.

LUISA: I guess this means we have to go back to the tower to take

40 some more pictures for the “Star.”

21 For preview only 1 LOU: (Looks at a slip of paper.) This is the tower where… Rapunzel and Bill live? ANTONIO: Yeah, that’s the one. LOU: Well, I got a peanut butter and pickle pizza for them, so I’ll just 5 tag along with you if that’s okay. PAPRIKA’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Helloooo! I’m ready for my close-up. LUISA: Okay, but make it quick before that crazy woman catches up with us. (She and ANTONIO EXIT LEFT, followed by LOU.)

10 PAPRIKA: (Runs ON RIGHT, waving wildly at the departing PAPARAZZI, then stops to pout.) What is the matter with them? You’d think they’d be dying to take my picture, since I’m such a famous celebrity. ELTON: (ENTERS RIGHT during the last line, followed by ERNESTINE.) Did you say you were a celebrity? 15 PAPRIKA: (Strikes a pose.) That’s right. Would you like an interview or some exclusive photos? ERNESTINE: Not really. PAPRIKA: Oh, I see. You’re not with the press. You’re fans. Would you like my autograph? 20 ELTON: No, thanks. But say, since you’re such a big celebrity, you must be rich. PAPRIKA: Well, I’m still working on the whole ﬁ nancial side of things. Besides, fame is so much more rewarding than money. ERNESTINE: Well, do you have enough money to buy an iPod, a 25 portable DVD player, a ﬂ at panel TV and an iMac G5? PAPRIKA: How much does all that stuff cost?

ELTON: Four hundred ﬁ fty-two and a third ducats.

ERNESTINE: And no real celebrity would be without fancy electronics.

PAPRIKA: (Looks through her purse.) Well, I have… ﬁ ve beans. 30 ELTON: Five beans? Do you know how much all this stuff would cost at Best Buy?

PAPRIKA: Well, they might be magic beans. ELTON: They might be? ERNESTINE: Hang on, Elton. Magic beans sell on eBay for like a 35 hundred ducats apiece. We could make more than enough money to pay the rent. ELTON: If they’re really magic. ERNESTINE: What choice have we got? There’s only one day left until the evil queen turns us out. 40 PAPRIKA: So, it’s a deal?

For preview22 only 1 ELTON/ERNESTINE: It’s a deal. ERNESTINE: Come on, we’ll show you where all the stuff is. (EXITS RIGHT with ELTON.) PAPRIKA: A ﬂ at panel TV—that proves I’m a celebrity. (EXITS RIGHT. 5 BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Four

Scene Five LIGHTS UP: The enchanted tower, UP CENTER. ANTONIO and LUISA ENTER LEFT, followed by LOU THE UPS GUY. They arrive at the tower, where the hair of RAPUNZEL and BILL cascades down from above. ANTONIO: This is the place. 10 LOU: No, the tower I’m looking for has people living in it. This just has some yellow vines growing on it. LUISA: Those ain’t vines. Check this out. (She and ANTONIO each give a yank to one of the tresses of hair.) BILL/RAPUNZEL’S VOICES: (From above.) Oww! 15 BILL: (Appears over the ramparts.) What did you do that for? ANTONIO: Your pizza’s here. RAPUNZEL: (Appears over the ramparts.) The pizza’s here? Did they put extra pickles on it? LOU: Extra pickles and double peanut butter. That’ll be twenty-two 20 ducats. BILL: Just put it on my Wychwood Express Card. LOU: And would you like to include a tip?

RAPUNZEL: Yeah, here’s a tip— Never let your parents get involved in your hair care regimen.

25 LOU: (Sets pizza down.) Gee, thanks. I’m sure I’ll ﬁ nd that so helpful. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.) BILL: Hey, we can’t reach the pizza from up here.

LOU: Oh yeah? Well here’s a tip for you— People who live in enchanted

towers shouldn’t order pizza. (EXITS RIGHT.)

30 RAPUNZEL: Say, would you mind handing us that pizza?

ANTONIO: Sure. (Picks up the pizza and tries to pass it to RAPUNZEL

but can’t reach.) Sorry, I’m not tall enough.

BILL: If we only had a ladder.

GLORIA: (ENTERS LEFT with ANDREW, carrying a small step ladder.)

35 We’re coming, we’re coming. Don’t get your hair in a twist. RAPUNZEL: Easier said than done.

LUISA: Say, how did you know we needed a ladder? For preview23 only 1 ANDREW: (Sets up the ladder at the foot of the tower.) It’s not for you. It’s for my master, the supremely bratty Prince Rupert of Wychwood. GLORIA: And for my mistress, the equally obnoxious Princess Iphigenia. 5 ANDREW: They said if we could get these two down from the tower, they would give us an extra two-thirds of a ducat in our wages this month. ANTONIO: But why should you want them to come down? They make for such a beautiful picture up there. (To RAPUNZEL and BILL.) 10 Smile. (Begins snapping pictures. LUISA follows suit.) GLORIA: The prince and princess have been banished to the forest until they fi nd true love. ANDREW: They thought if we could get Bill and Rapunzel down, a match might be possible. 15 PRINCE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Stand aside, servants. I have arrived to rescue my love, Rapunzel. RAPUNZEL: Hey, don’t get ahead of yourself, buddy. I’m not your love yet. GLORIA: Fine, we’ll stand aside. (To ANDREW.) Come on, let’s get out 20 of here. ANDREW: Fine by me. (EXITS RIGHT with GLORIA.) PRINCESS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Where is my lady-in-waiting? I require her to assist in rescuing my love, Bill. PRINCE: I told her to stand aside and she left. 25 PRINCESS: Oh, nice move. Now who’s going to climb the ladder and rescue them? LUISA: I’ll climb the ladder. I could get some close-ups that way. ANTONIO: In that case, I’ll climb the ladder. (There is a brief scuffl e between LUISA and ANTONIO, interrupted by EVIL QUEEN and 30 WITCH, who ENTER RIGHT, accompanied by a CRASH OF THUNDER.) EVIL QUEEN: No one will climb the ladder, you fools. (To the PRINCE and PRINCESS.) You obviously don’t know about the newly adopted three rules of fairy tales. WITCH: That’s right. The fi rst rule is that the chairman of a committee 35 outranks the chairman of a subcommittee. BILL: What’s that have to do with climbing a ladder? EVIL QUEEN: The second rule is that your exile only ends when you fi nd true love. PRINCESS: Tell us something we don’t already know.

For preview24 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 RAPUNZEL: Yeah, do you think we’d be giving the slightest consideration to courting these royal spoiled brats if it didn’t mean we could go home? WITCH: But the third rule of fairy tales is… there can be no true love 5 without sacrifi ce. PRINCE: Sacrifi ce? Are you kidding me? I told my footman I’d pay him an extra two-thirds of a ducat this month to rescue Rapunzel. If that’s not sacrifi ce, I don’t know what is. EVIL QUEEN: You have made no true sacrifi ce! Now take your ladder 10 and be gone from here! (EXITS LEFT with the WITCH.) PRINCE: Well, she’s in a mood. PRINCESS: (Helps PRINCE with the ladder.) Rats. I was actually starting to like Bill, too. (She and PRINCE EXIT LEFT with the ladder.) BILL’S VOICE: (From above.) Hey! What about our pizza? 15 LUISA: (Picks up the pizza box.) Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll enjoy it. (EXITS LEFT with ANTONIO.)

NARRATOR 2: (Ventures ON RIGHT. Gains conﬁ dence as he speaks.) And so, on a Monday, the princess met the hairy brother and her heart stood still. Somebody told her that his name was Bill— 20 NARRATOR 1: (Rushes ON RIGHT, holding his cell phone.) Just because I’m in the middle of a call doesn’t mean I can’t hear you rhyming, you know. (Drags NARRATOR 2 OFF RIGHT. LIGHTS SHIFT LEFT to the royal palace. QUEEN and KING ENTER LEFT.) QUEEN: Loyal subjects…

25 KING: And rebels, dear. You don’t want to offend the rebels. QUEEN: Do we have any rebels? KING: Well, just in case. QUEEN: Very well, loyal subjects and disloyal rebels. King Edwin and I are pleased to announce that our bratty children have been 30 banished to the wild wood until they learn the meaning of true love. KING: And of true sacriﬁ ce. Which means we won’t be seeing them for a few years.

QUEEN: And since we are redecorating their rooms for— What did we 35 call it, dear? KING: Governmental purposes. QUEEN: Yes, since we are redecorating their rooms for governmental purposes, we would appreciate it if all of you would please refrain from falling in love with our children. 40 KING: Which shouldn’t be too hard. QUEEN: So, even if they beg you to love them… For preview25 only

1 KING: …even if they sing songs under your window about needing your love… QUEEN/KING: …do not listen! (They turn to leave.) QUEEN: Oh, dear, you forgot the… (Whispers into the KING’S ear.) 5 KING: Oh, yes. (Turns to AUDIENCE.) This message has been brought to you by Wychwood’s Fairy Tale Burgers. Char-grilled burgers that are so tasty, they’re ﬁ ctional. But more importantly, ladies and gentlemen, as far as our children are concerned, (Looks at the QUEEN and smiles. MUSIC CUE 6: “Empty Nesters.” Speaks.) The

10 Queen and I are ﬁ nally…

QUEEN: (Speaks.) …Most deﬁ nitely…

KING: (Speaks.) …and not for a moment regrettably…

QUEEN/KING: (A shout.) Empty nesters! (They laugh, hug and jump

for joy.) 15 KING: (Sings.) Break out the turkey legs, we’re havin’ a feast! We’re gonna party for a week at least.

QUEEN: (Sings.) Dust off the china, the forks and knives. Time to celebrate this happy, happy day in our lives!

KING/QUEEN: (Sing.)

20 They’re a thing of the past. The kids are movin’ out at last!

Soon we’ll be empty nesters! I can’t believe it’s true.

Empty nesters! It’s really way past due.

Empty nesters! Bring on the jesters, ’Cause we’re gonna have a knock down party tonight! (They revel 25 in the moment as a CHORUS of JESTERS ENTERS DANCING from LEFT and RIGHT.) KING: (Sings.) Tell every messenger to send a decree. Inform the kingdom that we’re ﬁ nally free. QUEEN: (Sings.) Sound the trumpets and strike up the band! 30 ’Cause it’s time to set in motion the retirement plan. KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) No need to worry or care. The kids are ﬁ nally out of our hair. Soon we’ll be… KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! 35 KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) It’s time for you and me. KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) It’s what we dreamed we’d be. KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) No longer will they pester.

For preview26 only 1 KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Yes, we’re gonna have a knock down party tonight! (DANCE/ INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE. The KING and QUEEN are beside themselves and go into an outrageous and energetic dance. The 5 JESTERS join in with jumps, cartwheels, tumbling, hand springs, etc.)

QUEEN: (Sings.) No more messy, pooey diapers! KING: (Cringing. Sings.) No more smelly, wipey wets. QUEEN: (Sings.) No little league games or soccer moms. 10 KING: (Sings.) No high school proms or college debts! KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) No more whining, no more sass. No more sleeping in till noon. No disagreements. No more ﬂ ack.

15 KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) We’ve taken back their silver spoon. KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) Come on and sing it out! KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) It’s time to scream and shout! 20 KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Empty nesters! KING/QUEEN: (Sing.) No longer will they pester. KING/QUEEN/JESTERS: (Sing.) Yes, we’re gonna have a knock down party tonight! (ALL dance and carry on as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK. MUSIC OUT.) End of Scene Five

Scene Six 25 LIGHTS UP: The peasants’ cottage, RIGHT. The PEASANT FAMILY ENTERS RIGHT. ERNESTINE: Mom, Dad, you’ll never believe what we did! IDA: What is it, dear? ELTON: We sold our TV and computer and DVD player and iPod for fi ve 30 magic beans. BURT: You’re right. I don’t believe it. IDA: Are you crazy? One of my golfi ng friends at the Peasant Country Club said she would pay three hundred ducats just for the TV. ERNESTINE: But we can sell the beans on eBay for fi ve hundred 35 ducats. BURT: And how do you propose to get on to eBay now that you’ve sold your computer? For preview27 only 1 ELTON: Oh. We never thought of that. IDA: Let me see those beans. (ELTON hands her the beans.) They don’t look magic to me. BURT: We’re ruined. We might as well send word to the evil queen 5 right now. On the bright side, it’ll be just like— ELTON/ERNESTINE: We know. The good old days. LOU: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Did I hear you say you needed to send word to the evil queen? I can take care of that for you, sir, as long as your message weighs less than 75 pounds. 10 IDA: Where did you come from? LOU: We’re always available, 24 hours a day, ma’am.

BURT: Yes, but lurking in the bushes outside our hovel eavesdropping on our conversation? LOU: There and at thousands of locations kingdom-wide.

15 ELTON: Come on, Dad. I know we can sell the beans. Just give us one more chance. BURT: You sure you wouldn’t just rather give up the hovel and go back to the good old days? ERNESTINE: We’re sure. 20 IDA: All right, children. We’ll give you one more chance to raise the money. LOU: Well, if you do raise the rent and want to send it to your evil landlady, I’ll be waiting outside in your shrubbery. (EXITS RIGHT.) IDA: (Gives beans to ERNESTINE.) Here, Ernestine. Take the beans and 25 do your best. BURT: You only have… (Looks at his watch.) …42 minutes to come up with the rent, so you’d better hop to it. ERNESTINE: (Looks at ELTON in puzzlement.) Whatever you say, Dad. (She and ELTON hop OFF RIGHT.) 30 IDA: Oh, it’s hopeless. We might as well start packing our things. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.) BURT: You pack. I’m going to go out to the ﬁ elds and get us some nice mud for our going-away dinner. (EXITS RIGHT with IDA.) NARRATOR 1: (ENTERS RIGHT on the phone, followed IN by NARRATOR 35 2. Into the phone.) This is fantastic news. Absolutely, we can start right away. (Hangs up.) I got us a job. NARRATOR 2: Please tell me that it has rhyming or at least some ﬂ owery poetic language. NARRATOR 1: It’s not a narrating job. We’re going to be bodyguards.

40 NARRATOR 2: Bodyguards?

For preview28 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 NARRATOR 1: Yeah, some hotshot celebrity wants to hire us as bodyguards. NARRATOR 2: How do you know it’s a legitimate celebrity? NARRATOR 1: Well, she’s got a fl at panel TV, a portable DVD player, 5 an iPod and a brand new iMac. NARRATOR 2: Well, this is just fantastic. NARRATOR 1: Yeah, isn’t it? NARRATOR 2: I was being sarcastic. I don’t think it’s fantastic at all. NARRATOR 1: Why not? (MUSIC CUE 7: “The Sweet Life of Leisure.” 10 Speaks.) Think about it. We’ll be going to movie premieres and Oscar night parties. NARRATOR 2: (Speaks.) Oh, it’s fi ne for you. You have a black suit. You have sunglasses. You even have the stupid earpiece. But what about me? Have you ever heard of an Elizabethan bodyguard? 15 NARRATOR 1: (Speaks.) Look, we’ll fi nd you some clothes. And here, you can borrow my extra set of sunglasses. (Hands NARRATOR 2 a pair of sunglasses, which NARRATOR 2 puts on.) NARRATOR 2: (Speaks.) And the earpiece? NARRATOR 1: (Speaks.) Just talk into your wrist. Nobody will know 20 the difference. BOTH: (Sing.) We’ll be livin’ the sweet life of leisure, Underneath a Hollywood moon.

NARRATOR 1: (Sings.) Like a queen… NARRATOR 2: (Sings.) …or a king… 25 BOTH: (Sing.) …or a Caesar, We’ll be livin’ in luxury soon.

And when they see us comin’, they’ll cheer us. They’ll yell and shout and holler, (Shout.) “Hooray!” (Sing.) And all the paparazzi will fear us. 30 Can’t wait to say, “Make my day!” We’re on our way! We’ll be livin’ the sweet life of leisure, Chillin’ out in Beverly Hills.

There’ll be escargot and caviar in the freezer.

35 No more burgers and fries, no more bills!

And there’ll be movie actors and big shots. We’ll be the bodyguards of the year. We’ll get to hang at popular nightspots, Wear a black tie and red boutonniere.

40 Here’s to our new career! (DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE. A LATIN STYLE CHORUS ENTERS DANCING. The following is sung under the music during the dance interlude.) For preview29 only

1 ALL: (Sing.) Ay, yi, yi! BOYS: (Sing.) GIRLS: (Sing.) Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight! Ay, yi, yi, yi! Ay, yi, yi, yi! 5 Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight! Ay, yi, yi, yi! Ay, yi, yi, yi!

Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight!

Ay, yi, yi, yi! Ay, yi, yi, yi! Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight!

10 ALL: (Voices up. Sing.) We’ll be livin’ the sweet life of leisure. Ridin’ tall down Rodeo Drive. GIRLS: (Sing.) Like a queen… BOYS: (Sing.) …or a king… ALL: (Sing.) …or a Caesar, 15 NARRATOR 1 & 2: (Sing.) In a Rolls Royce, yes, we will arrive!

ALL: (Sing.) Ay, yi, yi!

BOYS: (Sing.) GIRLS: (Sing.)

Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight! Ay, yi, yi, yi! Ay, yi, yi, yi! 20 Ay, yi, yi! Livin’ the sweet life of leisure tonight! ALL: (Sing.) Ole! (MUSIC OUT. CHORUS EXITS.) NARRATOR 1: Now come on. The fox is on the run, and the pigeon is swooping. (EXITS LEFT.) NARRATOR 2: And he complains about the way I talk. (EXITS LEFT. 25 BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Six

Scene Seven LIGHTS UP: The enchanted tower, UP CENTER. PRINCE and PRINCESS sit at the foot of the tower eating hamburgers. The hair of RAPUNZEL and BILL hangs down from above. PRINCE: These are pretty good for ﬁ ctional burgers. 30 PRINCESS: Yeah, they’d be a lot better with some real mustard though. (PRINCE tugs on RAPUNZEL’S hair.) RAPUNZEL’S VOICE: (From above.) Oww. PRINCE: Hey, you guys got any Grey Poupon? RAPUNZEL: (Appears over the ramparts.) Look, we told you already. 35 The only thing we have up here is Brussels sprouts, asparagus and orange marmalade. Did you hear the word mustard? BILL: (Appears over ramparts.) Hey, did you bring us the burgers we asked for?

For preview30 only 1 PRINCESS: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. We already ate yours. PRINCE: Sitting here waiting for you to fall in love with us is hard work. RAPUNZEL: Well, aren’t you supposed to make some sort of sacrifi ce to win our love? 5 PRINCESS: Sacrifi ce? Are you kidding? We carried that stupid ladder all the way back to the royal gardener’s shed… PRINCE: And by the time we got there our servants had run off, so we’ve been without hired help for… PRINCESS: Almost two hours! How much more sacrifi ce do you want? 10 BILL: Well, we’ll let you know the second we fall in love. (They stick their tongues out at the unsuspecting royalty and disappear behind the ramparts.) PRINCE: Orange marmalade on a burger. What’s wrong with them anyway?

15 FAIRY GODMOTHER: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Oh, how delightful. A prince

and princess. Would you like to guess some riddles?

PRINCESS: We usually have servants for that sort of thing.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, you mean your footman and lady-in-waiting? Why I saw them just a moment ago hiding over there in a shrubbery. 20 (Points OFF RIGHT.) PRINCE: (To the PRINCESS.) You answer the riddles. I’ll be right back. (EXITS RIGHT.) FAIRY GODMOTHER: Now, let me see. Since you are a princess I must think of a good one. How many times does 17 go into a 1037? 25 PRINCESS: That’s not a riddle, that’s a math problem! RAPUNZEL’S VOICE: (From above.) Sixty-one.

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, aren’t you a clever girl. Now, let me think of

another one. What is the capital of Indonesia?

PRINCESS: That’s not a riddle either. 30 BILL’S VOICE: (From above.) Jakarta! FAIRY GODMOTHER: Goodness, my dear. You are clever, but your voice is changing.

PRINCESS: I certainly hope the fairy tale authority isn’t paying you to ask these non-riddles.

35 PRINCE: (ENTERS RIGHT with GLORIA and ANDREW.) I found them hiding from us.

ANDREW: (To FAIRY GODMOTHER.) Thanks a lot for ratting us out. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, you’re welcome, my dears. Would you like to try some riddles?

40 PRINCESS: They’re not riddles! For preview31 only 1 PRINCE: Look, why don’t you go annoy some other part of the story. We need to have a little private discussion with our servants. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Very well. (To PRINCESS.) But you really should have a doctor take a look at your throat, dearie. I’m quite concerned 5 about how your voice sounded. (EXITS RIGHT.) PRINCE: Now, you two stay here and come fetch us as soon as Bill and Rapunzel up there fall in love with us. GLORIA: And what if, perish the thought, they don’t fall in love with you? 10 PRINCE: Don’t be ridiculous. GLORIA: So we’re just supposed to sit here and wait? PRINCE: You’re a lady-in-waiting. You should be good at it. (To PRINCESS.) Come on, sis. Let’s see if there’s a video arcade someplace in this forest. (EXITS RIGHT with PRINCESS. GLORIA 15 and ANDREW sit at the foot of the tower.) ANDREW: Well, I’ll say one thing. It’s a lot more comfortable than that shrubbery. (LIGHTS DIM and COME BACK UP to indicate another part of the wild wood.) EVIL QUEEN: (ENTERS LEFT with WITCH and WOLF.) How can we have 20 a meeting without the fairy godmother? WOLF: How do we ever get through meetings with the fairy godmother? WITCH: It’s not a regular meeting, it’s a special executive session. And I am the special executive. EVIL QUEEN: I’m just as special as you are. And I’m the head of the 25 subcommittee on… WITCH: Enough! I’m calling this meeting to order, and I don’t care who’s here, and I don’t care what we call it, but I am in charge! WOLF: Somebody should have had decaf this morning. WITCH: Now, our characters have been apprised of the rules of this 30 story… EVIL QUEEN: And the fairy godmother has been asking riddles right and left… or trying to anyway. WOLF: I know what you’re going to say. What about the rituals? WITCH: Well, what about them? This fairy tale is almost over. 35 WOLF: (Shakes his mane.) First off, it’s a hairy tale, okay? Some of us appreciate that distinction. EVIL QUEEN: Fine, but we still need to see some rituals. WOLF: Look, don’t worry your evil self. I’ve got an awesome ritual planned for the end of the story. 40 WITCH: Is it the one where you build a big bonﬁ re and everybody paints their faces blue? For preview32 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 EVIL QUEEN: Or the one where you put your left foot in and you shake it all about? WOLF: You’ll just have to wait and see. But trust me, the wolf will deliver. 5 LOU: (Sticks his head ON RIGHT.) Hey, that’s my job. WITCH: Relax, Lou. It’s just an expression. LOU: Okay, but if you need me I’m…

EVIL QUEEN: We know. You’re in the shrubbery.

LOU: Twenty-four hours a day, at thousands of shrubberies kingdom-

10 wide. (EXITS RIGHT.)

WITCH: (To WOLF.) Okay, you say you have something big planned, and

that’s ﬁ ne. But if I don’t see a serious fairy tale ritual in the next ﬁ ve pages, I’m going to have to consider disciplinary action.

WOLF: Hey, they don’t call me big and bad for nothing.

15 EVIL QUEEN: I’m going to watch the enchanted tower to see if the prince and princess ever catch onto the concept of sacriﬁ ce. WITCH: Don’t hold your breath. (EXITS LEFT with WOLF and EVIL QUEEN. LIGHTS SHIFT to the tower, where GLORIA and ANDREW still sit. Hair still hangs from above.)

20 ANDREW: Do you have the feeling that if we wait for Bill and Rapunzel to fall in love with Prince Rupert and Princess Iphigenia, we’re going to be here for a very long time? GLORIA: Yeah. Eternity is not just a scent by Calvin Klein. ANDREW: Look, maybe if Bill and Rapunzel fell in love with somebody

25 else, we could at least go back to the castle. GLORIA: I’m really not ready for a romance with someone whose hair is long enough to wash my car with. ANDREW: It doesn’t necessarily have to be us.

GLORIA: Who then?

30 ANDREW: Whoever comes along.

ELTON: (ENTERS RIGHT with ERNESTINE.)We have eight more minutes.

That should be time to get to the royal palace and sell the beans to the king and queen. ERNESTINE: It’s a good thing we saw their ad in the “Wychwood Star.” 35 (Reads from a newspaper.) “Magic beans wanted. Will pay two hundred ducats each.” ANDREW: Greetings, fair peasants. ERNESTINE: Our faces are covered with dirt. Do you really think we’re fair?

For preview33 only

1 GLORIA: Well, greetings, grubby peasants. May we introduce you to our friends Bill and Rapunzel? (She and ANDREW each tug on a tress of hair.) RAPUNZEL/BILL’S VOICES: (From above.) Oww! 5 BILL: (Appears over the ramparts with RAPUNZEL.) What is it this time? GLORIA: We thought you might like to meet these kind peasants. RAPUNZEL: Do they have anything to eat?

ELTON: Just ﬁ ve beans.

BILL: Sounds a lot better than the Brussels sprouts with orange 10 marmalade we’ve been eating.

RAPUNZEL: But two and a half beans each is hardly a feast.

ELTON: We could plant them and grow more. ERNESTINE: (Aside to ELTON.) Are you crazy? We can’t give away those beans. 15 ELTON: But look at Rapunzel. I think I’m in love. ERNESTINE: Well, now that you mention it, I am a bit smitten with Bill. GLORIA: (To ANDREW.) I think our work here is done. (EXITS LEFT with ANDREW.) ELTON: Dear Rapunzel and kind Bill, whom I hope to make my brother- 20 in-law, we will plant our beans for your pleasure. ERNESTINE: Even though it means we must give up our hovel and live here in the forest. (They plant the beans. MUSIC CUE 8: “Tower of Love.”)

RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) Kind peasants, we are moved to tears by your

25 noble sacriﬁ ce.

ERNESTINE: (Speaks.) But you’re not crying.

BILL: (Speaks.) Well, we might cry later. Anyway, we are moved near

tears by your noble sacriﬁ ce.

RAPUNZEL: (Speaks.) But for now we shall await the growing of the

30 beans.

ELTON: (Speaks.) And we shall wait below, content that you are… (At a loss for words. To ERNESTINE.) Sister?

ERNESTINE: (To BILL, sings.) …So near. So high.

ELTON: (To RAPUNZEL, sings.) …So close. So far.

35 ERNESTINE/ELTON: (Sing.) You’re like a vision softly shining. RAPUNZEL: (Sings.) So high. So low. BILL: (Sings.) You’re like some distant star. RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) I wonder if we’ll ever ﬁ nd true love? ERNESTINE/ELTON: (Sing.) I wonder could this love be real?

For preview34 only 1 ERNESTINE/RAPUNZEL: (Sing.) What should we do? ELTON/BILL: (Sing.) Can’t live this way. ALL FOUR: (Sing.) The time has ﬁ nally come for us to stand up tall and say… (MUSIC 5 changes to a Las Vegas, jazz/swing feel. Sung in a very smooth jazz style.) You are the one my heart’s been searching for. By your side’s the place I want to be. ELTON/BILL: (Sing.) I gotta tell ya now…

10 ALL FOUR: (Sing.) …love of my life, you mean the world to me. Pretty baby, I wonder what the fates hold in store. Like a lovesick turtle dove, I’m caught up in this tower of love. (MUSIC returns to a Renaissance, ballad feel.) 15 ERNESTINE: (Sings.) So near. So high. ELTON: (Sings.) So close. So far. ERNESTINE/ELTON: (Sing.) It’s like a hunger ever burning. RAPUNZEL: (Sings.) So high. So low.

BILL: (Sings.) You’re close, but no cigar.

20 RAPUNZEL/BILL: (Sing.) I have this feeling that I can’t explain.

ERNESTINE/ELTON: (Sing.) Are you my chosen destiny? ERNESTINE/RAPUNZEL: (Sing.) Could you be him? ELTON/BILL: (Sing.) Could you be her? ALL FOUR: (Sing.) 25 This tiger in me wants to rise up high and loudly purr. (MUSIC again changes to a Las Vegas, jazz/swing feel.)

I see your face and my heart goes pitterpat.

You are the apple of my eye.

ELTON/BILL: (Sing.) My little dolly now.

30 ALL FOUR: (Sing.)

Just say the word and I’ll be there in nothing ﬂ at. Won’t you be my ever after cutie pie? Like a lovesick turtle dove, I’m caught up in this tower of love. 35 I‘m caught up in the hour, Caught up in the power, I’m caught up in this tower of love! Tower of love! Tower of love! Tower of love! Tower of love! (MUSIC OUT. ALL FOUR sigh a deep

40 sigh of love as LIGHTS BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Seven For preview35 only Scene Eight 1 LIGHTS UP: The WILD WOOD, DOWN CENTER. PAPRIKA ENTERS LEFT with NARRATORS. NARRATOR 2 still has Elizabethan clothes, but now wears sunglasses. PAPRIKA: I hate to do this to you guys, but I’m not sure I’m going to 5 need bodyguards anymore. NARRATOR 1: But we have the sunglasses and everything. NARRATOR 2: And look— I can talk into my wrist. I’ve been practicing.

PAPRIKA: Sorry, but, you see, I’ve met the perfect man. He wears a brown shirt and lurks in shrubbery.

10 NARRATOR 2: You mean Lou the UPS guy?

PAPRIKA: I’m ready to give up my singing career for him. NARRATOR 1: That’s some sacriﬁ ce, but I didn’t know you had a singing career. PAPRIKA: Don’t you know who I am? (NARRATORS shrug.) I’m Paprika. 15 The lost Spice Girl. NARRATOR 2: Is there a lost Spice Girl? PAPRIKA: Not any more. Because here I am. (Strikes a pose; they look bemused.) Oh, come on. I want to ﬁ nd Lou so I can start making wedding plans. I’m going to put all the bridesmaids in 20 brown. (EXITS RIGHT, followed by the NARRATORS.)

ANTONIO: (ENTERS LEFT with LUISA.) Amazing!

LUISA: Stupendous. ANTONIO: I’ve never seen anything like it. LUISA: Nobody has. 25 ANTONIO: It was gigantic. LUISA: Humongous. (QUEEN and KING ENTER LEFT.) ANTONIO: And it happened so fast. LUISA: I’ve never seen anything like it.

QUEEN: What are you ﬁ ne photographers talking about? 30 ANTONIO: Elton and Ernestine, the peasant children, planted ﬁ ve beans by the enchanted tower. LUISA: And ten minutes later there was a beanstalk 50 feet high and still growing. ANTONIO: I’ve got pictures. 35 LUISA: Not as good as mine. KING: Is the beanstalk still there? ANTONIO: I suppose so. Rapunzel and Bill used it to climb down from the tower.

36 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYINGFor THISpreview SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL only COPYRIGHT LAWS 1 LUISA: And they ran off with Elton and Ernestine. QUEEN: Do you hear that, dear? The enchanted tower is available. KING: What a perfect place to send our bratty children. ANTONIO: And here come the happy couples now. (ELTON, RAPUNZEL, 5 BILL and ERNESTINE ENTER LEFT. BILL and RAPUNZEL have cut their hair.) LUISA: What happened to your hair?! BILL: After the sacrifi ce that Elton and Ernestine made for us, we decided to sell our hair so they could get their home back. 10 RAPUNZEL: We made over a thousand ducats! QUEEN: Wow, that’s some sacrifi ce. KING: It must be true love. ELTON: We’re going to go tell our parents that we don’t have to return to the good old days. (EXITS RIGHT with ERNESTINE, BILL and 15 RAPUNZEL.) PAPRIKA: (ENTERS RIGHT with LOU, followed by the REST OF THE CAST, except the PEASANT FAMILY, BILL and RAPUNZEL. PAPRIKA steps forward with a megaphone. LOU stands by her.) Hey, everybody. I gave up my singing career for Lou, but I still have a job in the 20 entertainment industry. LOU: Tell them what it is. PAPRIKA: I’m the new hostess of “Complete Makeover: Hovel Edition.” (Raises the megaphone.) Good morning, peasant family! (The PEASANTS come rushing ON RIGHT, followed by BILL and 25 RAPUNZEL. ELTON, ERNESTINE, BILL and RAPUNZEL are dressed for a wedding.) WOLF: (Steps forward.) Just a minute. Before you turn the peasants’ hovel into a designer show house, we need to perform a fairy tale ritual. So, ladies and gentlemen, if you would direct your attention 30 to these four young folk who have so recently learned the meaning of true sacrifi ce and true love, we will present that time-honored ritual of fairy tales around the world—the wedding! ERNESTINE/BILL/RAPUNZEL/ELTON: Followed by the happily ever after! (MUSIC CUE 9: “Raise Your Voice.” Cheers all around.) 35 ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) Let’s sing together! Come now and join us while we sing and celebrate! We’ll sing together! Now, won’t you join us while we sing and celebrate?! Raise your voice and sing it loud! 40 Send the word to kith and kin.

For preview37 only

1 Hold your head up high and proud! ’Tis the moment, ’tis the hour we begin. Let’s shout together! Come now and join us while we shout and jubilate! 5 We’ll shout together! Now, won’t you join us while we shout and jubilate?! Raise your voice and shout it loud! Come and revel in the fun! Hold your head up high and proud! 10 ERNESTINE/BILL/RAPUNZEL/ELTON: (Sing.) We’ll be married! We’ll be wed when day is done! ENSEMBLE: (Sing.) Let’s dance together. Come now, and join us while we dance and celebrate! We’ll dance together.

15 Now, won’t you join us while we dance and celebrate?!

Let’s celebrate! (DANCE/INTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE. ALL dance.) (Sing.) Let’s sing together! Come now and join us while we sing and celebrate! 20 We’ll dance together! Now, won’t you join us while we dance and jubilate?! Raise your voice and sing it loud! Come and revel in the fun! Hold your head up high and proud! 25 Come rejoicing for the day has just begun! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT. ALL remain ONSTAGE for curtain call.) End of MUSICAL LIGHTS UP: MUSIC CUE 9a: “Curtain Call—Raise Your Voice.” After bows, ALL sing.

ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) Let’s sing together!

30 Come now and join us while we sing and celebrate! We’ll dance together! Now, won’t you join us while we dance and jubilate?! Raise your voice and sing it loud! Come and revel in the fun! 35 Hold your head up high and proud! Come rejoicing, for the day has just begun! (BLACKOUT.)

For preview38 only PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

Rustic table with a few chairs or stools, cut-out façade or backdrop to

represent the royal palace, two thrones (optional), painted façade for

the enchanted tower, one or two benches.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON

Scene One:

Cell phone, sunglasses (NARRATOR 1) Burlap bag (IDA) Shovel or bag (Elton) Hoe or bag (Ernestine) Bucket of mud (Burt) Clipboard, eviction notice (Lou) Four chairs (WITCH, FAIRY GODMOTHER, EVIL QUEEN, WOLF) Piece of paper (FAIRY GODMOTHER) Scene Two: Two cameras (LUISA and ANTONIO) Statement (Bill) Scene Three: Calculator (IDA) Gavel [a dinner bell or woodblock with mallet would suffi ce] (WITCH) Piece of paper (FAIRY GODMOTHER) Cell phone (NARRATOR 2) Scene Four: Pizza box, slip of paper (LOU) Purse, fi ve beans (PAPRIKA) Scene Five: Pizza box (LOU) Small step ladder (GLORIA, ANDREW) Cell phone (NARRATOR 1) Scene Six: Five beans (ELTON) Sunglasses, cell phone (NARRATOR 2) Scene Seven: Hamburger wrappers (PRINCE, PRINCESS) Newspaper, fi ve beans (ERNESTINE) Scene Eight: Megaphone (PAPRIKA)

For preview39 only FLEXIBLE CASTING The WOLF and NARRATORS can be played as male or female. Also, LUISA can become LUIGI and ANTONIO can become ANTONIA.

COSTUMING The PEASANT FAMILY wears work clothes and work boots, etc. IDA and ERNESTINE could wear soiled aprons, kerchief on the head. BURT wears a watch. PAPRIKA should wear loud colors, wild pants (perhaps bellbottoms), jewelry, platform shoes and glitzy sunglasses. Think 70s Elton John. She also carries a purse. The KING and QUEEN should dress royally, of course, with capes and crowns. The KING wears a watch. RAPUNZEL and BILL could wear private school uniforms, such as v-neck sweaters over white shirts, plaid skirt or pants. For the hair, attach a yellow yarn “wig” to a headband for RAPUNZEL and to a baseball cap for BILL. The PRINCE and PRINCESS can be dressed very richly in a long dress, cape and tiara for the PRINCESS and a long jacket, knee breeches and a white frilly shirt for the PRINCE. GLORIA can be dressed modestly in a dress with a white apron.

ANDREW can wear a red vest with a white dress shirt, breeches, white stockings and black boots.

The WITCH can wear an elegant, sleek, long black dress with cape and eye-catching amulet on a gold chain around her neck. Black gloves.

Perhaps a pointed black hat and black boots.

EVIL QUEEN might wear a dark purple, elegant dress with a silver crown, purple opera gloves and black boots. The FAIRY GODMOTHER might wear a white church dress with tights and slippers. She should have a white fl ower wreath with white ribbons on her head. NARRATOR 1 wears an all black, modern outfi t and sunglasses. Think up-to-date, classy and cool. NARRATOR 2 wears a green or red Elizabethan costume with tights, breeches or knickers and a fancy tunic. Perhaps a hat with a long feather. LUISA and ANTONIO wear photographer’s vests and always have their cameras around their necks. The WOLF can wear a white John Travolta suit with white pants, vest and jacket, ruffl ed shirt and a wig with ears. Perhaps fake fur on hands and feet.

For preview40 only NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS LOU, of course, wears all brown. Pants or shorts, collared shirt tucked in. Brown socks, work boots or hiking boots. The CHORUS of JESTERS should be dressed in typical jester attire, with lots of colors and funny hats. For the LATIN CHORUS, the GIRLS are dressed like Carmen Miranda with headdresses of fruit, which are easily found in costume stores or online and are usually very inexpensive. They can also be easily made. The BOYS should be dressed in black pants and a white shirt, preferably a pullover with puffy sleeves.

THE ENCHANTED TOWER

This can be a painted façade behind which BILL and RAPUNZEL can ascend stepladders (unseen by the audience) to appear at the top of the tower. There is a bench (or two) at the bottom of the tower.

SOUND EFFECTS Cell phone ringing, thunder.

For preview41 only

Hairy TaleHairy Rock - Set Design

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