By Victor B. Cline and Brad Wilcox ears ago youngsters could make a little extra money by hunting raccoons with homemade traps. These young hunters built small wooden boxes with only one opening, Yand secured them to the trunk of a tree or fallen log. Around the opening they would drive nails at angles so the sharp ends pointed toward the back of the box. Next the hunters would drop a shiny piece of metal in the bottom. Inevitably, a curious raccoon would be attracted by the shiny object and, as skillfully as a monkey, reach his long, flexible fingers into the box and grasp it. Of course, it was no trouble to reach between the nails when his fingers were relaxed, but once the animal closed its strong claw around the object, there was no way to pull it out without running into the sharp nails. All the raccoon had to do was let go and withdraw its fingers to be free, but there it would sit— trapped by nothing but its own unwillingness to let go of the shiny—but worthless—metal. is a similar trap, drawing in the curious and then holding them by their unwillingness to let go of their appealing, but worthless, prize.

10 Marriage & Families “If the raccoon would simply loosen its grip on the metal object, the trap could no longer hold it. If those struggling with pornography would just loosen their grips on the habit, they too could go free.”

Pornography can be defined It certainly sounds easy just several times in a month or a in many ways, but in common enough. If the raccoon would week, but several times each day. parlance, it usually means simply loosen its grip on the This young man continued in material that is sexually explicit metal object, the trap could no this cycle throughout his teenage and intended primarily for the longer hold it. If those struggling years. He says, “Some boys can purpose of sexual arousal (Cline, with pornography would just look back at adolescent years 2000). Shortly after Dr. Cline loosen their grips on the habit, and recall the one or two was named an Emeritus they too could go free. Still, the occasions when they were Professor in the Department of number of dead raccoons and exposed to pornography. I look Psychology at the University of the ever-increasing number of back and recall the one or two Utah, he began to expand his people hooked on pornography days I wasn’t. It consumed my private practice as a psychother- indicate that the solution is not life. It affected my grades, faith, apist. In doing so, he was puz- quite that quick and simple—and employment, and relationships.” zled by a deluge of new male that over and over, the pattern Finally, in his twenties, this man patients, all with to is the same: , desensiti- determined to marry, thinking pornography. One evening he zation, escalation, and acting that if he had a regular and commented to his wife, Lois, out. acceptable sexual outlet he that he was concerned because might be able to quit. He never pornography was leading these Addiction told his young fiancee about men to broad-ranging sexual One young man was intro- his problem for fear she would addictions, breakups in their duced to pornography at a refuse to marry him, but she marriages, and severe . friend’s home when he was found out soon enough. In fact, He told her, “They feel shame about 11 years old. His natural it was on their honeymoon. He and guilt. They lie chronically to curiosity combined with the had stepped away from their the people they love. But worst awakening sexual desires of his hotel room to get something of all, they feel they can’t stop growing body and soon created for them to eat, and she busied what they are doing.” an almost overwhelming desire herself enhancing the romantic His wife responded, “Well, to view more and more. In short atmosphere for his return. After tell them to quit it. Nobody has order, each exposure to the some time, she began to worry to look at dirty pictures or sexually explicit material was that perhaps he had been hurt. videos. Nobody has to go into a followed by masturbation. Each She left the room to investigate porn site on the Internet. Just time he repeated the cycle, the and found her husband in the tell them to stop looking at that sexual release reinforced his hotel gift shop looking through stuff.” behavior and strengthened the pornographic magazines. Dr. Cline said, “It’s not that hold the addiction had on him. When powerful sexual urges easy. These men are addicted. He felt he could not stop. He are directly linked with the They can’t stop.” says, “I’d tell myself I would viewing of anything, the desires “That’s nonsense,” his wife never do it again, and then I’d do to view the same things again argued. “Just tell them to not it anyway.” It got to the point are increased. Such conditioning look!” where this cycle would recur not occurs when sex is mixed with

Marriage & Families 11 Dr. Cline decided to much it was. I’d have still lost it.” give this man a powerful Dr. Cline determined to never incentive not to look at use that technique again with pornography. He asked him any patients. for a thousand dollars and When this man whom explained he would put it Dr. Cline tried to help began in a special bank account viewing pornography, he and hold it for 90 days. If probably felt he was liberating the young father could stay himself sexually. Instead, he porn free, he would get his found only enslavement and money back. If he relapsed days full of guilt, shame, fear, even once, the money and depression. He was caught would be donated to in a negative, downward cycle. charity. With a big grin on In an effort to ease his his face, the man said, depression, he would view “Fantastic! How did you pornography, become sexually

Photo Credit: Comstock, Inc. know that I’m such a tight- aroused, and masturbate. Then wad with money? There’s he would become even more violence, abuse, children, or no way I will look at porn if it’s depressed than before and once anything. Stanley Rachman going to cost me a thousand again turn to pornography as a (1968), a British psychologist at dollars. You couldn’t have chosen temporary escape. While at the London Maudsley Hospital, a better incentive for me.” first he had started viewing has repeatedly demonstrated in The therapy sessions that pornography because it was the laboratory how easy it is to followed were productive, and exciting and gave him a rush, condition adult males into sexu- the man stayed porn free for that all changed. Later, he no al deviancy using erotic stimuli. well over two months. However, longer turned to pornography Other researchers (McGuire, on day 87, while on a business to feel good, but to stop from 1965; Evans, 1968; Marquis, trip, he went to a porn shop feeling bad. He was addicted 1970) have independently found and literally gorged himself. to pornography just as surely as this same kind of conditioning When he told Dr. Cline of his if he were heavily involved with in out-of-laboratory experiences relapse, he was in tears. Dr. Cline drugs or . Like a horse and identified it as a step to said, “Look, I know we said you with blinders on, he just kept acquiring sexual deviations or would lose the money if you charging toward it with tunnel illnesses. messed up even once, but if vision, oblivious to anyone or To illustrate the addictive you made it 87 days, you can anything that would stand in nature of pornography, Dr. Cline make it 90. Let’s keep the money his way. tells of a married, religious man in the account and start over —a young father in his thirties for another 90 days.” The man Desensitization who could not seem to break the recommitted, but didn’t even last Along with addiction comes pornography habit. When he two weeks. The money went to desensitization. What was once finally began acting out sexually, charity. shocking or revolting becomes he sought help from Dr. Cline. Dr. Cline asked his patient, commonplace and ordinary. The man explained, “It’s like “What if it had been ten Conscience and constraint are being on Crack. I can see what it thousand dollars or twenty?” diminished as porn addicts is doing to me and I want to be The man sadly raised his head, become hardened. One young rid of the habit, but I can’t seem looked at his therapist, and said, man said, “Pornography warps to stop. Nothing seems to work.” “It wouldn’t have mattered how the way you see the world. I

12 Marriage & Families would hear people talk about a something deviant today, I must women seemed to “like it.” movie or TV program they felt look for something more deviant However, in real life, he and his was inappropriate, and I didn’t tomorrow.” Another young man employer got sued, and the man understand what bothered them. said, “After a few months of lost his job. Another man began The scenes they were upset by viewing pornography I found to act out by exposing himself to seemed like nothing to me.” myself less and less satisfied with youngsters. When he was caught Another young man said, “When the soft stuff. I wanted pictures and the pattern of behavior was I was engaged in pornography that were more graphic and more documented, he ended up losing I was viewing rape, child abuse, extreme. It’s like taking a drug his wife and family as well as incest, and sexual perversions that loses its effectiveness over facing criminal charges. so regularly that I became time. Soon you have to take In a more serious case, incapable of understanding the more and more just to get the another man found himself inappropriateness of the material same feeling you used to get facing a stiff sentence in federal I lusted after. When I would read with less.” prison for sexually abusing a in the paper about someone The Internet makes such child—and videotaping the act. getting raped or abused, and I graphic portrayals accessible The tape was found by investiga- would think, ‘So, what’s the big and affordable–and allows the tors who searched his house and deal?’” viewers anonymity. Accessible, discovered an abundance of both Another example of desensi- affordable, and anonymous— adult and , tization is found in the way many those three “A” words combine some purchased and some try to justify their involvement to feed the escalation and homemade. The man’s attorney in pornography. Consider the create an almost insurmountable explained, “It began with exper- comment of one young college challenge for those trying to imenting with pornography on student who made the erroneous escape the trap of pornography. the Internet, which then led to assumption, “Pornography can’t stockpiling videotapes, which be all that bad since everyone Acting Out eventually led to his acting out does it. All of mainstream Another consequence of and actually videotaping him- America indulges in it so don’t involvement in pornography is self.” The man apologized to the try to tell me it’s wrong.” an eventual acting out—people court and to his family saying, trying the things they are view- “I can’t undo what happened, Escalation ing. Desensitization and escala- but I want a chance to make Following desensitization, tion affect judgment to such a things better.” This man’s plea the problem usually escalates. In degree that those involved seem for help in this difficult circum- order to get their highs, kicks, no longer able to discriminate stance highlights the need to and erotic turn-ons, those between what is appropriate treat those involved with addicted to pornography devel- and what is illegal and could pornography before it gets to op a desire for more aberrant land them in jail. One such man such a point. materials. One man explained, became involved in sexually “If I saw something gross yester- harassing female coworkers in Treatment day, I need to find something his place of work. In the pornog- Is there a way to make even more gross today. If I see raphy he viewed regularly, the things better? Is there an effec-

“Along with addiction comes desensitization. What was once shocking or revolting becomes commonplace and ordinary. Conscience and constraint are diminished as porn addicts become hardened.”

Marriage & Families 13 Helping a Husband tive treatment or cure? The Those struggling with pornogra- pornography trap is not an easy phy must realize that their If a man is married, therapists one from which to escape, but it choices and actions, however usually find it helpful to treat the is possible as those involved private they may seem, have admit there is a problem, seek long-lasting and devastating patient with his spouse present. help, become informed, find effects for them, their families, Treating the two of them is usually support, and strive to improve and society in general. the quality of their relationships more effective than treating the and lives. Seek Help husband alone, because the wife is Admit the Problem Hiding and attempting to almost always devastated by her cover up the problem is often as An ancient Japanese proverb hurtful as the problem itself. husband’s self-centered habits. states, “A problem, clearly Those involved in pornography identified, is half the solution.” Many wives feel depressed and don’t usually want to have One reason so many continue anyone find out about their wrongfully blame themselves. to struggle with pornography personal problems, but as hard addictions is due to a growing They overlook the fact that their as it may be, that disclosure is trend in our society to refuse an essential step toward a long- husbands’ addictions nearly always to see pornography as a problem. term solution. Secrets must be One young law student was preceded marriage in their origins. brought to light. Only then can surprised when he read in the student newspaper that “correla- they be seen for what they are Wives also feel depressed, angry, and be reasonably approached tion does not prove causation and unsure of what to do. These when it comes to pornography and overcome. One man said, “I and sex crimes and those who didn’t tell anyone in my family issues must be addressed. As about my problem and I stopped say pornography is a trigger for spouses work through problems deviance and/or violence need to praying because I felt hypocriti- be doused with a bucket of cal. I determined that all I together, they can become a support needed was will power and that science and reason.” The law for each other. There is someone with student said, “Not only do such once I conquered this on my comments overlook the scientif- own, I would again pray and whom to share day-to-day concerns, speak openly with my wife.” ic research and sound reasoning someone to help the other through that substantiates such links, it Such thinking seems somewhat demonstrates how society is triv- akin to someone with a broken ups and downs. One wife said, arm saying, “Once I take care ializing the problem of pornog- “As hard as it was for my husband to raphy. We hear phrases like, of this myself, I will talk to the ‘adult entertainment’ or ‘minor doctor and go to the hospital.” admit these things to me and as hard A commitment made to indiscretion,’ and people justify as it was for me to hear, at least the involvement by saying, ‘Boys yourself can easily be broken. will be boys’ or ‘It’s just another But when you make a commit- truth was finally out in the open. form of self-expression—a genre ment to another person who of literature and art.’” loves you and who cares deeply It was no longer a dark, never-to-be- One of the most important for you, there is an increased discussed secret.” With no more steps toward a solution is first to incentive to change right now. admit there is a problem. The It’s fairly obvious that a person secrets to lie about, husbands and raccoon caught in a trap gains who arranges to exercise with a wives can begin rebuilding the trust absolutely nothing by trying to valued friend usually hangs in convince itself there is no trap. there longer than someone who that has been so badly damaged.

14 Marriage & Families does not. When the alarm goes always part of the solution. off in the morning, it’s easy to Steven Cramer’s (1983) book, turn it off and roll over unless Worth of a Soul and Patrick you know that someone you Carnes’ (1991; 1993) books, Out care about and who genuinely of the Shadows: Understanding cares about you is waiting. Sexual Addictions and Don’t Call People who make public com- it Love: Recovery for Sexual mitments to quit smoking have a Addictions, are helpful resources, much greater chance of success as is a book called Lonely All than those who try to do it the Time: Recognizing, Under- secretly. Talking to a trusted standing, and Overcoming Sex friend, a family member, a reli- Addictions (Early & Crow, gious leader, a family physician, 1989). A talk Dr. Wilcox

or a professional therapist is (2000) gave on the subject is Photo Credit: Comstock, Inc. an important way of seeking also available on tape. In 2001, help in overcoming a problem Brigham Young University there is no cost for participating. like pornography addiction. For sponsored a conference on the One man said, “I checked the those who know of God’s topic of pornography called, phone book and found out unconditional love for them, Cyber Secrets. Transcripts of the where the nearest meeting was. I turning to Him and letting Him presentations can be accessed attended and began using their share in the heavy burden and on Brigham Young University’s 12-step therapeutic program. I shame of addiction can, over web site (www.byu.edu). Other liked it because it was spiritual at time, bring “rest unto [their] Internet sites, such as its core and encouraged me to souls” (Matthew 11:29). www.enough.org, provide infor- look to a higher power than mation and statistics about myself. That’s what I needed.” Become Informed pornography. Another man said, “After I Closing eyes doesn’t make attended S.A. for some time, I problems go away, just as cover- Build a chose someone there to be my ing clocks doesn’t change the Support System sponsor. It was another man time. Those struggling with Beyond spouses and other who had achieved significant pornography and those seeking family members, some find a sobriety. I respected him and to help them all need to obtain needed support in groups of liked him. He was someone I credible information about the people who have gone through knew would not judge me problem. While care must be similar experiences. Sexaholics unfairly. He said I could call him taken that the sources are indeed Anonymous (a cousin to anytime I felt myself crumbling. credible and useful—and that ) is one I did and he would talk me the readings do not stimulate such group. There are weekly through the moment and help the addiction or acting-out meetings in nearly every major me keep the bigger picture in behavior—solid information is city across North America, and mind. He reminded me to avoid

“One of the most important steps toward a solution is first to admitting there is a problem....Those struggling with pornography must realize that their choices and actions, however private they may seem, have long-lasting and devastating effects for them, their families, and society in general.”

Marriage & Families 15 the pitfalls that would set me Engage in objects. Even those attempting back, and to do the positive Relationships simply to satisfy sexual needs things in my life that would get through pornography are ulti- me where I really wanted to be.” and Life mately disappointed, as pornog- Those struggling with Many engage in addictive raphy presents highly inaccurate pornography must find or behaviors as a way to avoid and distorted information about develop a circle of examples, becoming engaged with relation- human sexuality. mentors, and supporters who ships and life. Such escapes are It is, in a sense, sex mis- can encourage instead of scold, never permanent solutions. education that is created and educate instead of embarrass. Being involved in a relationship marketed for financial gain. Once in such a group, it is vital and in life requires commitment Those individuals who settle for they stay with it. Change takes and honesty, which leaves one it are usually no more satisfied in time. It is a long process and not open to possible hurt and disap- the long run than those who a single effort. Small victories pointment. Pornography only settle for counterfeit money over must be celebrated along the distracts those involved from real money. It may look great way, and slip-ups must be times meeting their needs for close- at first glance, but pornography for learning. Failure needs to be ness, control, entertainment, offers nothing of value in the seen as an event, not as a person. and relaxation in healthy and long run. It must always be looked at upon positive ways. Pornography One man said, “The worst as something temporary. addicts often keep themselves part about my involvement with from the very pornography was that I felt so relationships totally alone, completely on my of trust and own. I thought I was the only caring that one struggling with the problem should be and that it affected no one filling their but me. I figured I could take emotional and care of it myself. Out of guilt, social needs. fear, or low self-esteem (or a They seek love combination of all three), I in pornogra- determined to distance myself phy, but there from everyone until I got my is no love, problem taken care of. Alone only lust. is not an easy place to be— There is no especially when you really don’t concern for like yourself much to begin another, only with.” for self. There Those who are struggling is no intimacy, must reach out, not only for only the illu- help and support, but also for sion of it. full lives and meaningful rela- There is no tionships with others. People relationship cannot be helped in isolation. to be strength- By engaging in relationships and ened, only life, they can truly meet many of nameless bod- the needs they were unsuccess- ies, dehuman- fully attempting to meet with ized as sexual pornography. Photo Credit: Comstock, Inc.

16 Marriage & Families POINTERS FOR PARENTS therapy and, in time, he found the shiny metal leads to nothing For parents hoping to safeguard himself 95 percent porn free. but destruction. The grip many their children against pornography, Since his greatest temptations to maintain on pornography leads view pornography came in hotel to the same end. It is time to be sure to monitor movies, TV, rooms when he was away on loosen the grip, escape the trap, videos, and other forms of enter- business trips, his therapist com- and truly be free. tainment. Know your children’s mitted him to ask the desk clerk to block certain television chan- Dr. Victor B. Cline is professor emeri- friends and encourage parties and nels at the moment he checked tus of psychology at the University of get-togethers held at your home in. The man further committed Utah and is a practicing psychologist. to call his wife and his sponsor Over the past 25 years, he has treated rather than someplace else. Keep approximately 350 patients who have at 9:30 each night any time he computers in high-traffic areas and been addicted to pornography. was away. Finally, in this way, Dr. Brad Wilcox has spent the last 20 position monitors so they face the Charlie was able to resist even years working closely with young peo- the strongest temptations. center of the room. Be aware of the ple in connection with his work as an Richard, a 23-year-old col- educator and through his involvement dangers posed by chat rooms, and lege student, became heavily with various youth programs through- whenever possible install a filter involved with pornography out North America. He has spoken when he moved away from informally with hundreds of young or protection program on your home. He finally had the men who have confided their involve- computer. Learn enough about courage to meet with his ment with pornography to him. computers to be able to check religious leader and told him References everything. The leader was Cline, V. B. (2000). Pornography’s effects the history of which sites on the understanding and compassion- on adults and children. New York: Morality in Media. Internet have been visited. Teach ate. With his support Richard Cramer, S. (1983). The worth of a soul. youngsters that if pornography was able to seek help from Orem, UT: Randall Book. parents and siblings and became Carnes, P. (1985). Out of the shadows: ever appears on the computer, Understanding . involved with a 12-step support Minneapolis: Compcare Publishers. they should just turn it off, rather program that led to gradually Carnes, P. (1991). Don’t call it love: Recovery from sexual addiction. New York: than hitting escape or delete. diminishing relapses. He began Bantam Books. dating and pursued his career Carnes, P. (1993). A gentle path through goals. Two years later, he moved the twelve steps. Center City: MN: Hazelden Educational Materials. into long-term sobriety and Early, R., & Crow, G. (1989) Lonely all the was also happily married. He time: Recognizing, understanding, and over- Hope and Healing coming sex addictions. New York: Pocket continues to attend S.A. Books, 1989. Charlie was an up-and- meetings, but mainly to give Evans, D. R. (1968). Masturbatory fantasy coming businessman in his early help to newcomers. and sexual deviation. Behavior Research and Therapy, 6, 17. thirties. He had gotten into For those caught in the Marquis, J. N. (1970). Orgasmic recondi- pornography in his early teens pornography trap, there is tioning: Changing sexual object choice and then with the advent of the always hope and the possibility through controlling masturbation fantasies. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Internet found himself wildly of healing. It takes time, Experimental Psychiatry, 1, 263-71. out of control. He admitted education, and support from McGuire, R. J., et al. (1965). Sexual devia- tions as conditioned behavior: A hypothesis. there was a problem and others. It takes hard work to Behavior Research Therapy, 2, 185. sought help from a professional build positive relationships and Rachman, S. (1968). Experimentally therapist. His therapist encour- engage in a full life, but it can induced sexual fetishism. Psychological Record, 18, 25. aged him to become part of a happen and it’s worth it. The Wilcox, B. (2000). Pornography: Satan’s support group as part of his grip the raccoon maintains on counterfeit. Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft.

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