The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST Vol. 22, No. 1 Janaury 19, 2012 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux “Comes Early” Bethany Bultman to Cure What Ails Krewe Royal Street NEW ORLEANS (FOR SALE) – For ensued. Royal Street more than 150 years, Mardi Gras has The Gov suffered a rare setback when marched to its own schedule. But even the his attempt to drain the last few dollars out Chartres Street starts at most storied tradition in New Orleans is no of the public schools budget via his epony- Frenchmen Royal & Franklin match for the most powerful man in the mous Doucher Program was declared un-

world. No, not the newly re-elected Presi- constitutional. He promised to appeal, but dent Yomama – NFL Commissioner Roger recent statewide polls indicated he had a Street Toulouse Decatur Street ends at Gotohell! lot less appeal than he used to. And his pro- Chartres & Press Putting a dagger in the Saints’ season creationism stance failed to evolve despite was not enough for the swishy Commish – hard evidence to the contrary. Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, January 19, 2013 at 6:30 PM he had to put a dagger in Carnival season Back in the Big Easy, the administration Cynthia Willard-Lewis was not holding or overflowing, cumbersome, comical, comely, as well. The Scrutiny on the Bounty was kept such a close rein on city officials running for office. The plucky and perky comingling interpretations of the theme. nothing compared to Not So Jolly Roger speaking to the media that the mayor had CW-L attempted to enter the race, but a Subkrewes include the Krewe of decreeing that no parades could march the to grant himself permission to give inter- judge decided even professional politicians C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age Love, weekend of the Stupor Bowl, proving that views (curiously, the Monde de Merde had limits. Krewe of Underwear, Seeds of Decline, the NFL has indeed penetrated Mardi Gras. request was denied). U.S. Attorney Jim The local populace, of course, was bliss- Krewe of Mama Roux, Krewe of No Fun League aside, the past year has Letten’s staff put a new spin on trying cases fully unaware of all of this due to the jour- L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips and Discharges, seen its usual share of ills, spills, chills and in the media. And the crime rate Serpassed nalist interruptus publishing schedule of Krewe of K.A.O.S., Knights of Mondu, thrills. even the previous year. the SomeTimes-Picayune. T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue Bourbon, Krewe There was that little election thing; after Entergy came in spurts after Hurricane Overcome by all these comings and go- de C.R.A.P.S., Mystic Krewe of Spermes, an eon of vitriolic ads that cost approxi- Isaac sashayed through the city, leaving ings, the up and coming Krewe du Vieux Mystik Krewe of Comatose, Mystic mately 872 kazillion dollars, nothing changed many customers less than fully satisfied. decided to give all these follies and more Krewe of Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and except that Mitt Romney got another in The leaky pipes of the Sewerage & Water their comeuppance by Coming Early, on Krewe of SPANK. what was apparently a long line of pink Board were spewing everywhere, so the Saturday, January 19 at 6:30 PM. The Also marching will be many of the city’s slips. But he looks so cute in them! ladies of City Council rewarded the Board’s pre-mature Krewe members will come top brass bands. Showcasing the local brass The preceding campaign was truly diz- centuries of mismanagement by hiking up early and often come hell or high water band talent is one of the few Krewe du zying. Romney ran so far to the right dur- their skirts and hiking up the water rates. until the cows come home. Parade-goers Vieux traditions that hasn’t come to a sorry ing the primaries that he nearly fell off the And climate change caused further dam- are advised to put on their best “come end at the hands of the budget axe at either edge of the earth, leaving him too much age to the city, as overheated termites de- hither” looks, come along for the ride, and the state or city level. ground to make up during the main event. voured buildings, trees and even Mardi Gras see what comes up. Come one, come all! The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit or- He also discovered that the 1% solution floats in a clear case of global swarming. Coming in front of the parade this year ganization dedicated to the historical and was not a winning strategy, while Presi- City Council members did the Perdido will be Queen Bethany Bultman, who has traditional concept of a Mardi Gras parade dent Obama Claus gave away everything Shuffle, coming and going so fast that even come to the forefront of our cultural pres- as a venue for individual creative expres- but the election. seasoned observers needed a scorecard. ervation efforts as the Executive Director sion and satirical comment. It is unique Subsequently most of the red states Longtime New Orleans East politico Jon of the Musician’s Clinic. No Johnny-come- among all Mardi Gras parades because it threatened to secede; most of the blue states Johnson – who was once famously scolded lately to the music scene, Queen Bethany alone carries on the old Carnival traditions, wished fervently that they would (for more by Sherman Copelin for being “too cor- will play on the Krewe’s heartstrings as by using decorated, hand or mule-drawn on this story, see page 7). Louisiana Gov- rupt” (implying that there is such a thing as she fiddles around, marching to the beat of floats with satirical themes, accompanied ernor Bobby “Bombay” Gindoll was forced “just corrupt enough”) – finally got busted. her own drummer while attracting more by costumed revelers dancing to the sounds to actually spend time at home, which im- Lost in the frenzy of the race to replace than a few whistles herself. of jazzy street musicians. We believe in mediately caused grim repercussions as he him in the perpetually beleaguered East was The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen exposing the world to the true nature of took a scythe to education and health care the fact that for first time since 1722, three subkrewes will each present their own up- Mardi Gras – and in exposing ourselves to in the state. Many premature discharges years after Bienville founded the city, coming, overcoming, incoming, outgoing, the world.

– 1 – Queen Bethany Bultman Helps Keep Music (and Musicians) Alive in New Orleans Krewe du Vieux’s 2013 queen, Bethany doesn’t mean I actually practice that stuff! Le Monde du Merde asked the Queen Ewald Bultman, is a native of Natchez, I confess that I am a gal with many con- if she ever dreamed, as a little girl grow- Mississippi, but she grew up in a family that tradictions. Besides my entertaining book ing up in Natchez, that she would one day thought of New Orleans as the “Mecca of and lecturing on culinary history, I have reign over a New Orleans Mardi Gras Delights.” They read the Times-Picayune judged both an orgasm-faking contest on krewe, riding through the streets sur- every day (!) and traveled down to the Bourbon Street and the Miss New Jer- rounded by cheers and adulation from her Crescent City to celebrate life’s milestones. sey Pageant, and have had Medusa, one adoring subjects. were ready to tear out my hair. Ernie was “We celebrated our birthdays at of the WWF wrestlers, spend the night “My parents let me come to New the first ‘celebrity’ patient of the NOMC Antoine’s with a baked Alaska, came to at my house.” Orleans for Mardi Gras by myself when back in 1997, when the majority of other the Blue Room to see all the big headlin- In 1998, our dulcet Duchess found her I was ten, to stay with friends who lived musicians in town thought our clinic must ers and then headed to the French Quarter current calling when she, along with Johann uptown. The kids in their neighborhood be some sort of a scam or that we were late at night to Café du Monde for beignets. Bultman and Dr. Jack McConnell, had a little parade around the block. When delusional do-gooders who would quickly On our holidays, we made day trips to founded the New Orleans Musicians’ I said I wanted to be queen I was told, abandon the experiment,” she said. the races or Pontchartrain beach, and Clinic. The clinic, the only one of its kind ‘you silly girl, you can’t be queen, you Reflecting on her journey from small bought our groceries once a month at in the United States, is a not-for-profit aren’t from here!’ So you can see that town Natchez to celebrated Queen of Solari’s and our French bread at enterprise that brings healthcare and so- reigning as HRH Magna Cum Loudly is Krewe du Vieux, Bultman said she wanted Gendusa’s,” said the merry meandering cial services to New Orleans musicians. truly a dream come true!” to send a shout out to the Mississippi Ku monarch. The clinic and its support organization, the Queen Bethany has long idolized a for– Klux Klan: “Back in 1960, the KKK put Although her attempts to persuade her New Orleans Musicians Assistance Foun- mer Krewe du Vieux monarch, 2001’s up flyers all over Natchez that said, ‘Col- parents to move the family to New Orleans dation, provide free or low cost compre- irreplaceable Emperor of the Universe, ored music corrupts white youth.’ I thought, were unsuccessful, Queen Bethany realized hensive medical care, with an emphasis Ernie K-Doe. “K-Doe had audacity, regal ‘Wow, if it is that good, I gotta get me her dream of living here when she transferred on prevention, along with mental health demeanor and FUNK. Burn K-Doe Burn!” some!’ If the wind was blowing just right, to Newcomb College. That same year, she care and social services for about 2,000 “In 1961, at Smith’s Record Store on we could hear New Orleans radio sta- landed a part-time job at New Orleans’ al- musicians and their families a year. Queen St. Charles Avenue, I bought K-Doe’s tions in Natchez on our little transistors, ternative weekly newspaper, the Vieux Bethany is the president and CEO of the ‘Mother in Law.’ I swear I played that so I got thoroughly ‘corrupted.’ Hey, fellas, Carre Courier. After working as a writer New Orleans Musicians Clinic and the record until it was bald and my parents you were right!” here and in New York, she eventually mar- Assistance Foundation. She is also the ried Johann Bultman, scion of a family long 2013 co-chair of the International Per- COMING EVENT known for its support of New Orleans’ culture formance Arts Medicine Conference, to Krewe du Vieux Doo in all its many forms. be held in Aspen, Colorado, in July. Saturday, January 19 • Doors open 9:00 PM • Music starts after parade Queen Bethany became a writer and “Believe me, being selected for this huge Habitat for Humanity ReStore cultural anthropologist, and over the years responsibility came as a big shock, since 2830 Royal Street between Press and St. Ferdinand Streets she has become well known for her pas- I am clearly not a doctor and have no featuring in order of appearance sionate and exuberant support of New training to run the NOMC & AF. As the Brass Band Jam Orleans and its artists, whom she calls “our director of the NOMC, having the con- tradition-bearers.” Calling on her roots as tacts with performing arts medicine spe- BlueBrass Project a southern lady, who wore her first hoop cialists all over the world has always been featuring original members of the Dirty Dozen, ReBirth Brass Band, skirt as an infant, Bultman co-wrote a important because so many of our NOMC Acoustic Syndicate, Wild Magnolias, and 101 Runners with book about entertaining and published an patients travel, and we like to be sure that Woody Wood, Kirk Joseph, Jason Kredel, and Big Chief Monk Boudreaux elegant guidebook to New Orleans through we can always get top medical care for Compass American Guides. She them if they have a problem,” she riffs, Late Night Music by Ass4Daze New Orleans Psychedelic Funk chronicled another side of the south in her “At the same time, I prod and nag these featuring RobustUp! SilverFonk with Stink, Pink & Wink (Da Fellas) book, “Redneck Heaven: Portrait of a specialists to include jazz and blues mu-  Vanishing Culture.” sicians in their medical research, and not TICKETS $30 Says the quotable Queen, “Anyone who be so ‘classical-centric.’ Collaboration is Available from knows me well will tell you that just be- vital for our musician culture to live on for Louisiana Music Factory • 210 Decatur Street cause I write about decorum and style future generations. “ Up in Smoke • 2101 Magazine Street

– 2 – The Times-Prickayune Fails To Deliver

BROAD STREET OVERPASS – Resi- been dealt a blow every bit as nasty as a their favorite pastime. The majority of the turn digital tricks, but wear protection and dents of New Orleans are still in a state Drew Brees interception,” pontificated the audience were newly-axed scribes from don’t blog about it. Never spit on tradi- of shock months after a cabal of greedy Mayor. “The Newhouse family did this the Times-Prickayune. They took par- tion. Praise and nourish our scribes, dear Carpetbaggers pulled a classic “bait and to Detroit and it hit them harder than a ticular notice as Knell Knolan, looking even Lord. Give them strong drink and per- switch” at the Times-Prickayune. A missile hurricane. I predict that giant swaths of younger than her 33-year-old photo in the fect sandwiches.” of corporate avarice penetrated the Times- New Orleans will be flooded with anx- Living Section, captivated the crowd. The preacher paused for effect while Prickayune headquarters on a mission ious print-dependant pedestrians. A new “Without my alliteration, coteries and co- his congregation adjusted their newspa- to destroy the daily paper. species of zombie will appear.” tillions of hot, horny debutantes may never per mattresses against the chilly under- Cyborg Newhouse, malevolent media The Comatose Press Corps found meet the eligible men of the Prickwick the-freeway winds. His words caressed mogul, declared, “We’re making improve- proof of the Mayor’s prediction among Club!” she declared. “The webcentric them like a Jarvis de Berry editorial. “And ments! Newhouse is going to publish your the Crescent City intellectuals living be- delusions of Newhouse will wreak havoc Lord, bless the daily comics for making paper three days a week instead of seven. neath Interstate 10 near Lee Circle. A amongst my high-society starlets. Igno- my wife laugh every morning, seven days It will be better than ever!” The blood- crack team of psychiatrists was already rant media barons have meddled with us a week. Thank you for keeping our real letting commenced as his pubescent Ter- there, recording their musings. “How I’m before,” she warned, “and they soon found estate classified. Protect our Saints from minator, “Pricky” Matthews, issued pink gonna know if my enemies are dead with- themselves excluded from the Uptown the sinners in the Sports Section and tell slips to many of the city’s muckrakers. out the daily obits?” one geezer asked. punchbowls of power. Don’t these buf- bad Mr. Newhouse that ‘lagniappe’ Comatose correspondent Hunter S. “And where else will I learn freaky nick- foons know that a rolling blog gathers no means more, not less.” Torpid joined the hordes of outraged citi- names without them obits?” news?” Cries of “Amen” rolled through the zens that filled the streets. Ironically, newly “I can help you write your story for a Peter Finney, still semi-employed by the gathering as the Underpass Minister turned unemployed reporters observed an epic bite of a dumpster sandwich,” intoned semi-digital newspaper, was using his his eyes skyward, declaring, “Lord, I want story erupting before their eyes. Faster Stefanny “Fall from Grace,” a freshly experience as a sports handicapper to take to forgive them, but those pricks FAILED than the speediest blogger, they recorded pink-slipped vixen. “Pricky Matthews bets on the next Saints game while curi- TO DELIVER!” the comments of the pissed off populace. always wanted to screw us and finally got ous drivers waited on the I-10 on-ramp. Corrections and Clarifications “Rituals as ancient and holy as break- the chance.” Crestfallen by the war-torn He seemed ashamed that he wasn’t as Last year’s front page listed the many fast have been torn asunder,” shouted Chef conditions of her new reality, our beloved vilified as the other talented writers who local boards taken over by Mayor Goodgravy of Camellia Grill. “My cus- editorial writer had few kind words for now shook empty soup cans for money. Landrieu, but the Commissioner tomers needs dem a daily newspaper when what she called the “Nudehouse” debacle. “I hope my former boss, Mr. Jim Nameplate Allocation Council and the they come here to eat. It’s like takin’ away “The Emperor has no clothes and not much SpanishMoss, tried to dissuade those Red Bean Counting and Quality Control cheese from grits!” of a dick, either,” she shouted to the assholes from fracturing our community. Authority were omitted from the list. Panic and fury erupted quicker than a intelligentsia. “I tried to be as close to the He warned them that we’re a byzantine Several articles in the 2012 Monde de City Hall scandal. “Unfolding a fresh, daily Daily Truth as religion reporter Bruce community, but they thought that was some Merde predicted the end of the world on edition while you smell coffee and chicory Nolan and they crucified him for it!” she kind of an Indian tribe.” December 21. As far as we can tell, that making love in the pot is the best!” re- bellowed. “Thank God he got those Brett Anderson, fired Food Writer, was did not happen. vealed an exotic dancer from Big Daddy’s hypocrites on tape before they denied speechless for the first time ever, hungry The CRAPS article implied that Lounge. “My boyfriend really enjoys everything.” for a recipe to eighty-six the bastards. “All legendary New Orleans dancer (not stripper) Chris Owens was born during getting head every Friday while he reads The horde of diplomates, PhDs, and my years of writing about food never left the Sumerian era. In fact, her Genesis the Lagniappe. He told me that’s what pundits heard her tirade against cowardice as bad a taste in my mouth as this,” he precedes that time. lagniappe means, like a sort of lap dance. and greed, impressed as she quoted from mumbled, grazing on some day-old chicken The article on the Bayou Beauxtox cosmetic He’ll be some pissed if that stops!” the Bible, the Business Section, and from a nearby Popeye’s. “Too bad I can’t surgery clinic suggested that Sen. David Further Uptown, renowned mouth– Forbes magazine: “We’re on a fast track tell my readers about which foods dete- Vitter had had his penis removed. Actually, he washer Dr. Halitosis Tichenor was eager to oblivion because of these idiots. We’re riorate slowest and where the best is as big a dick as ever. to exhale his opinion: “Inhaling soybean one stop short of a content farm.” “Yeah dumpsters are.” ink fresh off the Living Section activates you right!” screeched Frank Dawnzee, A print-addicted pastor was minister- the Ham and Eggs part of your brain,” he along-time reporter now working at the ing to another crowd beside the off ramp. shouted. “This disruption will destroy my Audubon Zoo Re-education Camp. “Give us this day our Daily Paper,” he comport and composure. Why, the very The raggedy crowd was composed of intoned. “Lead us not into temptation to sound of the paper landing on my porch print-loving characters New Orleans has consolidate our fellow man. Downsize the makes me want to get up and boogie!” known, loved, and hated for over a cen- bullshit instead of the newspaper and speak “The quality of life in the Big Easy has tury. Praising and cursing the daily rag was truth to power. Suffer the temptation to www.kreweduvieux.org(y)

– 3 – C.R.U.D.E. Celebrates Traditional Marriage men who are comparatively older, first wife, which likely caused some ten- AT THE ALTAR – The preservation of Mormon great-grandfather of Gov. Mitt wealthier, or otherwise more privileged. sion at the dinner table and possibly re- “traditional marriage” has been a rallying Romney, who is a proponent of “tradi- According to evolutionary psychologists, sulted in the collapse of ancient Sumeria. cry for religious conservatives in recent tional marriage” between one man and one these females (known as “ho’s”) devel- For millennia, marriage was about prop- years, as they fight to protect the sacred woman, had, in fact, five wives. oped a preference for higher status males erty and power rather than mutual attrac- institution from being weakened by the Incest – Sibling marriages were wide- because they offer their prospective chil- tion. It was a way of forging political alli- current high divorce rate among religious spread among all classes in Egypt during dren both “better” genes and greater re- ances, sealing business deals, and conservatives (22% higher than the na- the Greco-Roman period. Numerous sources, e.g. food and security. Men, who expanding the family labor force. For many tional average). papyri and Roman census declarations invest less in their children, have no rea- people, marriage was an unavoidable duty, However, traditional marriage has taken attest to many husbands and wives be- son to prefer mates with high social sta- frequently as little more than an exchange many forms throughout history, and the ing brother and sister. As with fraternal tus and are drawn instead to the big boobs of property. For others, it was a privilege, conceit that marriage should be only be- polyandry, this too made those tricky and fine ass of the Trophy Wife. not a right. Servants, slaves and paupers tween one man and one woman who are holiday visiting decisions a lot easier, with Monogamy – Monogamy is the prac- were often forbidden to wed, and even not too closely related is actually relatively the added advantage of creating fewer tice of having only one spouse at any one among the rich, families sometimes sent recent. cousins to feed. time; sometimes, as in the case of Loui- a younger child to a nunnery or monas- Always ones to see the big picture (even The best known of these relationships siana home-girl Britney Spears, an incred- tery rather than allow them to marry and if it means peering through the peephole were in the royal family, the Ptolemies. The ibly short time. break up the family’s landholding. to see it), in 2013 the Krewe of famous Cleopatra VII was married to her In the patriarchal society of The redefinition of marriage between C.R.U.D.E. celebrates “traditional” mar- younger brother, Ptolemy XIII, before she Mesopotamia the nuclear family was called a man and a woman who choose one riage in its many forms. hooked up with Julius Caesar and Mark a “house.” In order “to build a house” a another for love began only about 250 Polyandry – A form of marriage be- Antony in what historians occasionally refer man was supposed to marry one woman years ago. So, when you hear a politician tween one woman and many men, widely to as the first triumvirate. Her mother and and if she did not provide him with off- claiming to support “traditional marriage,” practiced in Tibet before it was banned father, Cleopatra V and Ptolemy XII, were spring, he could take a second wife. The ask him how many goats and camels he by those notorious Communist party also brother and sister. Code of Hammurabi stated that he lost got for his daughter – or if he plans to marry poopers, the Red Chinese. Polyandry was In Ancient Greece, Spartan King his right to do so if the wife herself gave her himself. practiced by the Celts in Europe, who also Leonidas I, hero of the legendary Battle him a slave as a concubine, which even To celebrate these many traditional followed the shocking practice of allow- of Thermopylae and star of the movie 300, today sounds better than anything you might marriage forms, on January 19 ing women to own property, and more was married to his niece Gorgo, daugh- find in the Nieman Marcus catalogue. Ac- C.R.U.D.E. will join itself in marriage and recently by Elizabeth Taylor. Fraternal ter of his half-brother Cleomenes I. The cording to Old Assyrian texts, the hus- orgiastic rituals, marching to the theme of polyandry, one woman marrying several notoriously dour Romans frowned on band was obliged to wait for two or three “Here Cums the Brides” in the Krewe du brothers, was the most common form, thus incest, but that didn’t stop Emperor years before he was allowed to take an- Vieux parade. Krewe members may be resolving the problem of whose parents Claudius from avoiding a nasty divorce other wife. The position of the second wife in altared states and are likely to aveil them- to visit during holidays. by executing his wife and then marrying was that of a “slave girl” in respect to the selves of any opportunities they see. Polygamy – Traditional marriage in both his brother’s daughter (and thus his own the Bible and The Penthouse Forum of- niece) Agrippina the Younger and Hot- Le Monde de Merde Announces Shift to ten means one man getting busy with sev- ter. Thrice Per Decade Publishing Schedule eral women. The Old Testament mentions Many centuries later, numerous Euro- approximately forty polygamists, includ- pean monarchs were related through In a move designed to save tens of dol- publishing of once per year. The toll on lars per year on printing costs, the pub- their livers and lungs is not sustainable.” ing Abraham, Jacob, Esau, David, and political marriages, sometimes resulting in lishers of Le Monde de Merde have an- The source also conceded that recycled King Solomon, who, topping out at 1,000 weddings of first cousins. This was es- nounced that it will shift from a once yearly story ideas will be more difficult to rec- wives, was the Hugh Hefner of his age. pecially true in the houses of Habsburg, publication schedule to a thrice per de- ognize with a more drawn out publica- Remembering whose anniversary was Hohenzollern, Savoy, Bourbon, and West cade publication schedule. “We believe tion schedule. whose was undoubtedly a bitch of bibli- Virginia. that this will result in a more robust news- The publisher suggested that readers of cal proportions. Hypergamy – This term refers to a paper, with richer and deeper – much Le Monde de Merde would have their Martin Luther believed that Christian- perceived tendency within human cultures deeper – coverage, “said the publisher. news needs met digitally in the future, rather ity did not prohibit polygamy and predicted for females to seek or be encouraged to “Frankly,” said a source from the Merde than on paper. When asked to elaborate, that future Christians would have multiple pursue male mates that are of higher sta- newsroom, “our writers and editors are he extended the middle digit of his right wives and reality television shows. The tus than themselves, which often means no longer able to keep up the pace of hand.

– 4 – Mama Roux Comes to the Stupor Bowl Black and White and Dead All Over SOMEWHERE NEAR POYDRAS mation of a Joint Task Force to assist the NO-PRESS STREET – A few months because we have never read anything in STREET – Having the championship of Krewe in finding its way to the big game. ago, the lowly esteemed Newhouse family that illustrious journal that was not 100% the premier contact high sport in the world, “We need to come early,” giggled Mama announced the demise of print publish- accurate.” the Stupor Bowl, get played out in New Roux captain Alice B. Toklas. “In 2001 – ing. To emphasize this point, they put a According to Newhouse lackeys, the Orleans is a real thrill for “Oh Wow Dat” or was it 2002 – we missed the game com- bullet into the head of the once proud demise of print media was brought about Nation. pletely,” she tittered, referring to the Krewe’s Times-Picayune, flushing 175 years of by the emergence of digital media. In The whole city is buzzing in prepara- cannabis-fueled stumble to the StuporDome tradition down the toilet. Apparently it was keeping with this alleged trend, the tion for the game. The field on the the last time the Stupor Bowl was in New necessary to kill the Picayune in order to Newhouse family has clearly given a one StuporDome has been replanted with real Orleans. “It was our First Downer.” save it. digit salute to the people of New Orleans. Hawaiian grass imported from Maui. The The Joint Task Force is proud to have “Frankly, the announcement of the death The Emir has announced that the Krewe yard-lines have been striped with the fin- as its honorary chair Draw Breeze. As of the print media came as a bit of shock of K.A.O.S. will return the favor on Janu- est Columbian powder. The Dome itself longtime fans well know, Breeze is the to us,” said the Emir of K.A.O.S., who ary 19 and pay tribute to the dearly de- is totally lit up, and both teams will defi- reason many local heads have removed was interviewed recently at the K.A.O.S. parted print media in grand style, with an nitely be smokin’. their baggies. Winter Palace., located in the Swiss Alps, El Dia de los Muertos style celebration: The streetcar tracks have been laid, as Mama Roux vice-captain Mary Jane near Gstaad. “Here at the Winter Palace, “Black and White and Dead All Over.” many of the citizens hope to be. The un- Bogart inhaled sharply and added, “We’re we continue to receive dailies from around The Emir reports that this tribute will in- derground pipes have been replaced and really going to roll this time. There will be the nation (USA Today, Wall Street Jour- clude a special acknowledgement to the filled. And with all the cheerleaders ac- all kinds of kicks! The reeferees must be nal, Los Angeles Times, Washington memory of the Once Upon a Times- companying the teams prancing down the blind! Snort that line!” Post, Chicago Tribune, Philadelphia Picayune. “As the once relevant Pica- repaved streets, there will be fine pieces Mama Roux will begin its meandering Inquirer, Rocky Mountain News, Hous- yune embarks upon its final siesta, we plan of asphalt everywhere. trek on January 19, at which time it will ton Chronicle, and Miami Herald) and to commemorate its passing by acknowl- Always eager to be first to the party extend a welcoming “High” to all Stupor the world (The Guardian, Der Spiegel, edging the now departed ghosts who con- (even if they are last to float), the Krewe Bowl visitors, passing out special gifts Le Monde, Pravda, El Mundo, The tributed to its one time greatness.” of Mama Roux has announced the for- before it passes out completely. London Times). It was Mark Twain, himself a newspa- “If those publications were dying, you perman, who once said: “The reports of would think they would have mentioned my death have been greatly exaggerated.” T.O.K.I.N. Rolls With YoMamaCare it at some point,” continued the Emir. “We believe it to be the same with reports MID-CITY MEDICAL CENTER – The a smoke-filled healing center. “We had a “Now that we think about it, we also have of the demise of print media,” said the Emir, Totally Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic very strong agenda,” said Big YoMama. not read anything about the demise of print who we managed to catch between ski Ne’er-do-wells (T.O.K.I.N.), outraged “After much medicinal inhaling and a media in The Daily Advocate, which runs at his sumptuous palace. “However, by Governor Booby Jindalwock’s rejec- quickly cured case of the acute munchies, seems more vibrant than ever. But, if the we have prepared a fitting tribute, just in tion of Medicaid funding and health in- we decided to launch our own version of Picayune says it’s true, it must be so, case.” surance exchanges, not to mention the clos- YoMamaCare. We’ve got plenty of ma- ing of Southeast Louisiana Psychiatric mas (and papas!) who are ready, willing, Hospital, held a press conference to an- and able to take care of you.” tions of Dr. Feelgood. good,” prescribed Big YoMama. “But yo’ nounce an up-coming protest rally on the Plans announced by T.O.K.I.N. include A location for T.O.K.I.N.’s clinic/ mama so sick, she might have to leave night of January 19. the re-opening of the psychiatric hospital HEADquarters has been chosen, but at Louisiana.” “Booby Jackass has refused to provide in the Governor’s Mansion. “Governor press time, krewe members were unable In the meantime, the cure for whatever healthcare to the citizens of Louisiana,” Jackal is hardly ever there, so it’s pretty to remember where it is. “It’s one of those ails you is to come out and see the said T.O.K.I.N. spokesHEAD, Big much available,” said YoMama. “Of big empty buildings downtown – Char- Totally Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic YoMama. “His healthcare (non)plan is course, we’ll keep the Presidential (aka ity Hospital or the Municipal Auditorium Ne’er-do-wells at the Krewe du Vieux YoMamaCare: if you’re feeling poorly, go Delusions of Grandeur) Suite ready for or something like that,” mused Barack parade as they Roll With YoMamaCare, by yo’ mama.” Big’s brother, Barack him whenever he’s in town.” T.O.K.I.N. YoMama, who appeared to be highly bringing their healing herbs and invigor– YoMama, added, “I guess he figures that is offering free mental healthcare to any- medicated. ating elixirs, their raunchy remedies, with his educational reforms [sic], no one one who voted for Governor Jackoff. “The only hope for a full recovery for naughty nostrums, and prurient panaceas will know any better anyway.” They will also provide an extensive herbal Louisiana is for Governor Jerkoff to re- to the streets of the Marigny and the The Ne’er-do-wells held a meeting in apothecary and the urgent care ministra- alize his national ambitions and leave for French Quarter.

– 5 – Spermes Issues Fowl Proposition FRYER STREET – In the juiciest news part,” Throbingson added. “So we went satisfying. In test-related trials, most researchers since Buffalo sauce got chicken fans hot small. Lots of little bangs are easier to For centuries, European philosophers were acquitted, but it was noted in the pubic and bothered, chickens get laid faster than consummate. Coming early, I mean first, thought the chicken had been choked to record that chicken seemed very recep- previously thought, researchers an- coming first, that was something we had death and the issue was dropped until the tive to all sorts of sexual advances. nounced. a good base of knowledge to start with.” so-called Egg Foo Young breakthrough British psychotherapist Brigid Rye- According to a paper soon to be pub- Since the Self-enlightenment, academics at the Bangkok Marital Arts conference Humpe has studied frigidity in bird lished in the Journal of Insemination and have held that the chicken’s highly sexu- in 1969. Cum Fu masters decided the egg populations, and she noticed that even Zoology (JIZ), an interdisciplinary team alized nature makes it the perfect subject was the wrong shape to deliver pleasure, hens suffering from “frozen chicken” of scientists, doctors and barroom phi- for investigating the underage old ques- and the issue was reconsidered. Buddhists syndrome quickly warmed up when losophers from the Krewe of Spermes tion. The bird gets laid instead of born, still maintained that yin and yang had been handled properly. has made unsolicited advances toward gets hard in minutes, males are simply banging in perpetual simultaneous orgasm “I thought the royal family had prob- resolving one of the world’s great referred to as cocks, and the general for eons, and some monks committed lems keeping their knickers on, but they’re cumundrums: who comes first, the chicken population gets eaten more than any other suicide by autoerotic asphyxiation in protest nowhere as randy as these birds in the or the egg. two-legged creature on the planet. of further chicken research. nest,” she stammered. “Dumbing down the question really got “Finger licking good,” said Spermes team The issue went coitus interruptus again And although very young, the egg is not our juices flowing,” says Dick member and Tulane sexologist Lou Skunt. and was only recently res-erected by the shy about coming out of its shell. Over Throbingson, professor of Tantric Yoga Since Aristhrotle, philosophers have Krewe of Spermes. easy or over hard, it’s just minutes until it and Poultry Science at the LSU Animal struggled to resolve the chicken causal- UNO Hospitality Studies major G. Ken blows its yolk. Chicken geeks note that Science Center and Petting Zoo in Slidell. ity dilemma, or circular reference para- Hawk observed that sex-trade tourists it engages in prolonged group foreplay as “The yardbird has been one big feathered dox, known outside of academic circles were interested in the pulchritudinous a hen straddles in reverse cowgirl over glory hole for thousands of years. We had as a clusterfuck, or among poultry fans poultry again, especially on the downlow. as many as a dozen eggs before the cluck- to get in on some of that action, and we and researchers as the fustercluck. “Everybody likes chicken,” he notes in ing really starts. were much more interested in orgasms Though he spent years coaxing and the JIZ article. “Breasts or thighs, white The Spermes team determined that both than origins.” probing eager disciples, Sucrates failed meat, dark meat, boned or deboned, it chickens and eggs are coming much earlier Scientists are still trying to explain how to reach a satisfying conclusion (or as more doesn’t matter. When people get away and more often than previously thought. the life form of the common chicken came literally translated from the ancient Greek, from their homes or significantly with– Which actually comes first will be an- into being. a “happy ending”). Both platonic and holding others, they want hot and juicy nounced when the next installment of JIZ “We don’t know shit about the Big Bang nonplatonic results were only partially chicken.” is released.

Inanites Ready for Super Hole XLVAG Despite Bounty Rumors DRY PRONG, LA – Despite the bounty to the Hole, although the team is still de- But Goodhole is adamant about the by some of the league’s previous MVP scandal rocking the league, sports fans and fending itself against allegations that some Inanites’ involvement in the “Pay to Pound” (Most Valuable Penis) winners. vajayjay devotees are expected in record players were paid bounties to pound scandal and is afraid that they will be up Fans can also avail themselves of Su- numbers at this year’s Super Hole pussies out of commission. The organi- to their old tricks come January 19. per Hole memorabilia and other interac- XLVAG. zation has adamantly denied the coochie Goodhole vowed that nothing would stop tive events including: The season’s seminal sporting event, set crippling accusations which were first lev- him from plunging into the Super Hole to • A crawl through a detailed replica of for January 19 in New Orleans, will be eled by league Commissioner Roger uncover the truth. Hall of Fame receiver Jenn BellMuff’s birth preceded by a host of festivities honor- Goodhole. In the meantime, fans are invited to enjoy canal; ing the highest of all honey pots. According “No one respects holes, be they pussy the league’s Fan Hole Experience at the • Tampon punting competitions; to Ms. Buxom Backside of the Mystic or pucker, more than my players,” Inanite downtown convention center. Sponsored • Amateur clit clinics; Krewe of Inane, the undefeated New Head Coach Gunner Gutbuster told re- by KY Jelly, the event will feature 850,000 • Lubrication safety demonstrations. Orleans Inanites are set to take on the porters during media day. “The allegations square feet of fun for labia lovers of all For tickets or more information about Pittsburg Poon Tangs. that we ruthlessly and unnecessarily pound legal ages. Festivities include Vagina Ap- Super Hole XLVAG, come at the Krewe The Inanites say they are ready to head are unfounded.” preciation Night, featuring appearances du Vieux parade on January 19.

– 6 – Current Events Crappy Response Amps-up Protest Sparks NO-POWER BOULEVARD (with “Only by paying higher rates can utility “Look Out Jindal” Young was heavily Council President Stacy “I Give and I additional reporting from Lower Volta and customers hope to receive timely deliv- critical of Entergy efforts and called for Give and I Give” Head promised the Pole-Land Avenue) – The ongoing de- ery of the services they had been paying investigation by the Louisiana Public Council would be more proactive in the bate about Entergy’s response to Hurri- for over the past several years,” said Mohl Lip-Service Commission. “Nobody loves future. “On the other hand with all the red cane Isaac took a shocking turn recently citing the CRAPS document. “How could to see someone working on a pole more and green on the Entergy city map, I felt when a group of sentient electrical charges we possibly have anticipated that high than I do,” said Young. like Christmas came early,” she added. came public with its own criticism of the winds would damage trees and termite- Response from New Orleans City A group of federal, state and local of- utility’s preparedness. Calling themselves infested electric poles? Clearly, we must Council, the official regulator of Entergy- ficials have formed a special Commission the Council for the Rights of Alternating pay our executives larger bonuses and New Orleans, was more muted. on Reaping All Political Strengths Power Streams (CRAPS), the group has dividends if we expect them to spend time “Apparently the last city staff member (CRAPS). petitioned to speak before government thinking about the actual power grid.” responsible for this left years ago,” said Due to an unforeseen acronym over- authorities. At least some of the emergency workers Cynthia “Meetings, we don’t need no lap, it is expected that all the involved parties “Those guys at Entergy really know how that Entergy deployed into the field have stinking meetings” Hedge-Morrell who will collide in a power struggle on the streets to kill a watt,” said CRAPS spokesman also entered the conversation. Jean-Claude discovered shortly after Isaac that she was of New Orleans the evening of January Sparky Van de Graaf. “Imagine what it’s Hoffa of the Confederation of Relaxed chairperson of the Council’s Utilities 19. Area residents, once outraged by the like to be a pulsing, throbbing horde of Acrobats and Pole Sitters (CRAPS) Committee. “I kept calling all the num- pace of response, are expected to watch charged particles, yearning unfulfilled for spoke on behalf of his member-ship. bers in my address book for NOPSI, but resignedly as the cavalcade of CRAPS surge and release. It’s hard to feel posi- “I know a lot of guys were out there as nobody answered.” Comes In Spurts. tive after that. We’re trying to stay grounded soon as the winds died down, working but this sort of thing really interferes with long hours up in the buckets, pushing to realizing our potential.” get power back. The truth is, though, that’s Entergy officials, meanwhile, continued really hard work and if there’s one thing Secession? Let ‘Em Have It! to defend the company’s efforts. “Logis- CRAPS members are opposed to, it’s hard PURPLE HAZE – In the wake of the presidential election, there has been a lot of talk tics, schmogistics!” Charles “Red Beans work,” Hoffa said. “I know everyone was of secession, primarily in what are known as the “Red States”. Whether they are red and” Rice, President and CEO of Entergy hoping to see linemen show up in their over the embarrassment of supporting another obvious loser or because they are just a New Orleans ejaculated. “I have degrees neighborhoods, but all they had to do was bunch of whiney sore-asses has not been determined. in both business administration and law. come down to Bourbon Street. The lights An examination of the ramifications of re-dividing the United States along political I was once Chief Administrative Officer were on, the air conditioning was work- fault lines has revealed the following delineation of how the chips would fly. of the City of New Orleans and every- ing and CRAPS’ representatives were right Blue States Red States body knows what a model of efficiency there for all to see. We don’t get down 2/3 of the tax revenue 2/3 of the aging infrastructure and effectiveness our city government is. to New Orleans all the time, so we fig- Broadway Opryland Who are you going to listen to – a bunch ured we better enjoy it when we did. Sure, Yale, UCLA, MIT Mississippi State, SMU, Bob Jones University of engineers and seasoned linemen? The we went out in the neighborhoods, but, All the best beaches All the most oiled beaches fact of the matter is, the electric system is man, was it hot and we had to take plenty The wine and cheese producers The pork and tobacco producers getting older and I just can’t get it back of breaks.” The highest literacy rates The highest obesity rates up as fast as I used to.” Response from government officials has Progressive legislation Pro-gun legislation “We at Entergy will do whatever it takes been mixed. On one hand, in the days Hollywood Dollywood for our shareholders, uh…stakeholders,” following the storm, the Department of The financial sector The agricultural sector said Bill “Bill More” Mohl, President and Energy gave the company an A+ for its The technology sector The agricultural sector CEO of Entergy Louisiana, during hear- efforts. “They’re doing a heckuva job,” The medical research sector The agricultural sector ings on rate hikes following the storm. gushed department spokesman George All the good pot All the bad beer During the hearings, he presented a study Shrub calling the company’s efforts un- by the Consolidated Revenue and believable. “They deserve brownies.” Shortly after the release of the above data, there was a marked spike in signings of Plunderbund Syndicate (CRAPS) of On the other hand at about the same the red states’ secession petitions; closer examination revealed that most of the signato- which Entergy is a member. time, Jefferson Parish President John ries lived in blue states.

– 7 – Restaurant Review poles. The restrooms featured centerfolds gressman Anthony Weiner and House A Seeds of Decline Dining Experience at from New Orleans’ own Beatoff maga- Speaker John Boner, said, “We seem to CHOKE MOR CHIKIN zine, and they just made me want to go be most popular with lawyers and politi- and go and go! cians, who are thicker here than Elmer’s by Tom Fatlardass Elmer, seeing the smile on my face, glue. As you can see, Republicans and I had the pleasure of meeting Chef Elmer they asked if we wanted to visit the Stock- guffawed. “Folks come here for mastur- Democrats both fit in well here. The New Boeuf Gras and his boyfriend, star of stage, yards. Lord knows, they sure seem to be bation, not mastication. We believe in self- Orleans City Council is represented by screen and milk cartons, L-C, at their new into leather too, the way they were look- service here, and remember, while it may a Johnson named Jon, and a Ms. Stacy, fine dining establishment Choke Mor ing me over.” smell like beef in the air, it all tastes like who is always ready for some Head.” Chikin. The bovine pair came to New Thanks to that frightening experience, chicken!” But it seems that members of the legal Orleans from their native North Carolina New Orleans now has a place that could They certainly do not put on any dairy profession have taken over Choke Mor via Texas. only be described as a chicken choking airs here, and the atmosphere is definitely Chikin as they have every place else. Keith As L-C explained in his hormone-in- paradise! The lively lunchtime crowd all autoerotic. The service is highly polished, Magness who allegedly had been sneaking duced falsetto, “In Carolina, everyone was seemed to be turning Japanese, and the and there is careful attention to detail. Even into a colleague’s office and masturbat- pulling pork, but we had a taste for chicken. creamy soup de jour looked viscously the napkins are three ply. Don’t forget ing several times on her clothing and of- When we got to Texas, we discovered delicious. dessert. I had the cream-filled pecker pie, fice furniture, is loved by the servers who that barbeque there meant beef, and we L-C chimed in saying, “Those folks are with its surprising burst of flavor. And every describe him as a “big tipper.” knew we had to get out of town faster always loaded. A little botox, and they will Tuesday before 8 PM, they have the all- But there is no contest with Sal Perricone than Reverend Grant Storms leaving lose the `Oriental look.’ This is the land you-can-beat special. and Jan Mann, former staff members of Lafreniere Park.” of beef stroking off, and we are the best The restaurant has attracted many ce- United States Attorney for the Eastern District Elmer continued the story. “It was aw- place in the Crescent City for bullocks, lebrities. Paul Reubens frequently puts his of Louisiana, taking the prize for being the ful! In the Lone Star State, everyone is a ballocks and botox.” white shoes under the table, and singer biggest jerk-offs in all of Louisiana. cow tipper, and chicken choking is defi- This is obviously not your ordinary George Michael spends a lot of time here Elmer, L-C and the Seeds of Decline nitely frowned upon. I may be into bond- chicken choking shack. The cumfortable doing the “wang chung” and “wham.” graciously invite you to Laissez Le Bon age, but I certainly did not like the way booths were separated by well buffed L-C, pointing to signed photos of Con- Ton Poulet! Drips & Discharges Fresh Outta TP AN ABANDONED PRINTING an entire form of media is dying?” bor, and our replacements are ready for His People: Pro-Legitimate Rapist, Anti- PRESS SOMEWHERE IN NEW Because of the premature e-parade- anything, even coming early!” Gay Marriage. ORLEANS – Stop the presses! No re- ulation, there are Discharges everywhere Eileen, another fearless and now-retired • Crescent City Disconnection – ally, stop… The Drips-Picayune can’t that need to be cleaned up, but a severe leader of the Drips since the beginning, Least Bank Beats Off Best Bank in Tight afford to run them anymore. shortage of TP! To make matters even followed that up with an arousing “Go to Erection Over Bridge. Despite coming early (and often) this more sticky, the Drips turned over their Hell Goodell!” chant that got all the Who New Editor-in-Chief Ellis stated, “As Carnival season, the Drips have suffered leadership and left the daunting task of Dats in DP’s offices fired up. long as I have a massive erector-set printing from painfully small growth of late and can leading this rag of a paper to a couple of While the Drips-Picayune would never press – let’s call it George – I can design only publish one measly article this year. youngsters. Advocate dumbing down its in-depth a DP that will discharge juicy stories to Suffering a fate the likes of the Former Drips Pic leaders Amelie, Pat, coverage of the news, due to the struggling our adoring public.” (some)Times-Picayune, the Drips are and Eileen were singing the praises of the economy, they’ll now be delivering all their CEO of DP, Kristen, added, “I’m pretty fresh outta TP at the worst possible time newbies. Amelie said, “If it’s possible, the news in headlines only format. Here’s a sneak sure no one reads the articles anyway, so and find themselves, for lack of a better Drips just got more creative, and I can peak at some of their Drippiest Discharges as long as we have hard-hitting headlines phrase, in Le Monde de Merde! rest assured they’ll put out high quality news from the year that was: and pretty pictures, our fans will love us Drips’ correspondent on the street, Tom on par with the Penthouse Forum!” • Mutiny on the Bounty – Crazed still.” Journalists Danielle, Susan, Clark, Breauxcock, is back again this year to feel Pat was heard harkening back on the Saints Fan Removes Goodell’s Head and Andy simultaneously quipped, “We the pulse of the public. Responding to the major headline from the year, “This isn’t from Ass with Cart-Off Tackle. give great headline!” TP shortage, Breauxcok wondered, “Is a Mutiny on the Bounty situation like in • Totally Blown – Utilities Impotent It appears that the Drips-Picayune is well it due to my cutting edge, live, pulsating, the No Fairness League; we’re just ready After Non-Superstorm Isaac. prepared to bring you all of the news that’s earth shattering delivery of the news that to enjoy the fruits of someone else’s la- • Preach On! – God Speaks Through fit to discharge, despite the TP shortage.

– 8 – – 9 – Bicuriosity Rover Lands on Uranus Ahead of Schedule SPACED STATION – The Krewe du ter in two years’ time, and they sent a probe or reciprocity. A tense delay occurred when Though, Speissman admitted, hiding the Mishigas has announced that its flagship to a tiny little hot mess like Mars?” kvetched the Rover temporarily lost its ability to tell matzah cracker in the planet’s liquid sur- space venture, the Bi-Curiosity Rover, has Mishigas. “On Uranus, we would have the difference between animate and in- face would be a “pain in the ass.” touched down in the frigid canyons of enough ice to keep us in snowballs for animate objects, spending several weeks Speissman was thrilled with the Uranus. Despite a successful voyage, its years!” making out with moons and copulating Bicuriosity’s performance, while Ms. premature manifestation at noon central Development of the exploratory vessel with a comet. Kibbitz reported feeling underwhelmed. time on the coldest planet in our solar was launched in earnest in a lab above a Finally regaining focus, it groped clum- “Everybody made it out to be this big system sparked an outcry in New Orleans Bourbon Street strip bar. The ship was sily toward the smooth, round depths of thing,” Kibbitz said., “but it was over because the entire city slept through the composed of Lucky Dogs, jello shots, two- Uranus. so quickly that I didn’t even wake up.” long-awaited event. day-old bagels, and Chris Owens’ replace- Although he was inspired by all the at- She also felt a little disturbed at the A spokesman for Mishigas downplayed ment parts – materials assumed by local tention shown to the Mars Curiosity, extreme level of enthusiasm that the backlash. “Outcry? You exaggerate,” said scientists to be sustainable even during at- Project Manager Saul Speissman declined Speissman showed for the project. Communications Director Karla Kibbitz. “It mospheric penetration. The scientists were to compare the two projects. Despite the controversy surrounding was just a sigh of disappointment.” found to be wrong, however, as the Bi- “We were never after hearts and minds the mission, the Krewe du Mishigas con- It was a soft landing for a project that Curiosity Rover lost power early in its – you can have ’em, NASA!” said siders its contribution to space explo- has endured ups and downs for several voyage, resulting in an emergency landing Speissman. “We were always after buzem ration a success. Although the freezing months. It started when the Krewe du on the outer rings of Saturn for some stra- and tuches.” Speissman also emphasized temperatures of Uranus could cause Mishigas criticized NASA for the federal tegic tickling before resuming its efforts. the benefits of making seder on Uranus, shrinkage to be major issue during colo- agency’s perceived misallocation of funds. The vessel continued to be marred by where the only life forms are a species of nization, recently captured images show “With sea levels rising and the wetlands embarrassing misfires. It fell in love on each naturally occurring gefilte fish, poached alive the Bi-Curiousity hard at work , dip- eroding, New Orleans will be under wa- planet, with no regard to gender, species, by the ammonia ice in which they swim. ping its probes into every hold it can find. Krewe Rue Bourbon’s Holy Tail of CUMALOT The legend of the Magical Kingdom of the beautiful maiden Nimue, aka Nym- While the Bourbonites were balling, construct a chastity belt for Guinevere in Cumalot has been recently res-erected by phomaniac or Nympho for short, who jerking, drinking, and singing, poor Arthur his shop on Bourbon Street. This would the famous Medieval Bourbon-Filled enticed him to a “Wang Dang Doodle” couldn’t get it up and so lonely Guinevere be no ordinary belt to open and close with Drunkard, Merlyn the Magnificent. at her vaginal cave. While the two were was left to cum by all by herself. Merlin a key, but would have a tiny razor-sharp In a recent interview, Merlyn recalled resting between jousts, Nymph foresaw exalted, “that set the stage for Lance-a- guillotine inside that would be activated that Cumalot was ruled by that virile King Arthur’s future and provided Merlyn with Little who had a crush on G-Spot. Soon with a spring upon penetration. And so Arthur, aka “the Enchanted Sword.” the complete Holy Tail of Cumalot. Lance-a-Little and G-Spot were cuming be it, Guinevere was equipped with the According to Merlin, Arthur had traveled Nympho told Merlyn that “Arthur’s all the time in every which way, every day. belt without any hint of the true trap. the countryside spreading his seed amongst penis would soon go limp and he would “Arthur suspected that the Guinevere’s Merlin continued to explain the culmi- the peasants, when suddenly he came cum no more.” Also there would be two loss of affection for him could have been nating event. He said that Arthur requested upon a bedazzled stone pierced with an individuals that Arthur had to be aware related to an affair she was having with a personal appearance with each enchanted sword, known as Ejaculate. of: Lance-a-Little, a man of small nature, one of the Bourbonites. Arthur called for Bourbonite. One-by-one they came in and He pronounced, “I have cum from afar, and Mordred, aka Morehead, who was her and upon her entry he asked, `Who one-by-one they came out; however there I have cum easy, I have cum early, I have a mad oral sex blogging machine. made you cum today?’ Guinevere coyly was no visible detection of a wounded suitor cum late, I have cum hard, and finally I The Magnificent exclaimed “I was so answered, `I made myself cum today with bleeding at the balls. Finally, Lance-a-Little confess, I have also Cumalot,” at which groggy from a night of cuming until I could my solar-operated Bourbonator.’” was summoned to the court and King time the sword began to sparkle. Arthur cum no more that I went into a trance Not satisfied with her explanation, Arthur Arthur asked him, “Who made you cum then grabbed the hilt and orgasmically under her spell until I awoke on January called for Gawain, aka Givemhead, the today.” Not totally shocked by the question, withdrew Ejaculate, only to fall to the 19, 2012 remembering the penetrating Royal Prosecutor for the Court of King Lance-a-Little was speechless, however ground totally exhausted and trembling. facts about the scandal of Cumalot.” Arthur, to lead an investigation of a pos- true to his honor he signed to King Arthur, Thus, Arthur was crowned “King of And now for the rest of the story: King Arthur’s sible suitor who just might be blogging his “After an unfortunate incident with G-Spot, Cumalot”. Almost immediately thereaf- group of perverted warriors, the Bourbonites conquests on NOLA.CUM. she made me cum today with a hand job. ter Arthur came on to the beautiful, hot (short for Bourbon Knights) of the Round Table Givemhead had a hard on for Morehead A true Bourbonite would rather Cumalot and sexy damsel Guinevere, aka G-Spot, were in search of the Holy Tail when not for- and accused him of the dirty deeds. Natu- or not at all, than only three times a week.” and the two soon became husband and nicating with fair maidens, participating in a circle rally, Morehead denied being the guilty Cum one, Cum all and join us as the wife. However, all was not to be well for jerk, or visiting the local tavern “Liquor in the beau, but suggested a simple way to find Bourbonites of the Krewe du Rue Bour- the Kingdom of Cumalot. Front, Poker in the Rear” as they sang favor- the culprit and stop any further cummings. bon search for the Holy Tail in the Magi- As Merlin reminisced, he met up with ite bawdy songs of “Cumalot.” Arthur instructed the Royal Blacksmith to cal Kingdom of Cumalot. – 10 – NFL Penetrates Carnival Top Ten Reasons BULLARD ROAD – A crack team from cracking. “I may have to buy an NFL team the Krewe of Underwear has solved the just so I can fire his commoner ass.” Roger Goodell Hates New Orleans mystery of a recent series of strange oc- Goodell himself refused to comment, 10. Came here on college frat trip, was only guy who didn’t get currences in and around the Crescent City. but was overheard sighing, as he untousled laid To wit: his perfect hair and re-trousered himself, 9. Doesn’t know where he got ‘dem shoes • The dates of New Orleans’ most sa- “Damn, that boeuf had a fine crack.” cred tradition, Carnival, have been re- Beyond the pure symbolism of the most 8. Still thinks NFL should own rights to “Who Dat” arranged to accommodate a commer- powerful man in sports screwing the most 7. Audubon Zoo mistook him for Jane Goodall, made him live cial sports event. powerful animal in Mardi Gras, the larger with chimps for three months • Perfectly fine streets like those under picture of New Orleans selling its culture 6. Can’t get a date with Rita Benson LeBlanc the Pontchartrain Expressway are be- and heritage for a fist full of NFL dollars 5. Too many undiagnosed concussions ing torn up and repaved, while avenues is even more disturbing. Of all local cul- like Jeff Davis – which has more ups tural phenomena, Carnival is supposed to 4. Doesn’t like all those cute boys twittering about his hair and downs than the average roller be the last bastion of anti-commercialism. 3. Makes less money than Drew Brees coaster – are left untouched. This did not seem to bother Mayor Mitch 2. Looks terrible in purple, green and gold • New tourist amenities are being “Son of Moon” Landrieu. “I told the erected even as homeless people struggle people that they wanted to spend more 1. Too white to do the Benson Boogie to find housing. money to hire more police and put more • Entire areas of the city are being closed people in jail,” he crowed. “Gotta pay for Shameless Rip-Off Division of K.A.O.S. Publishing off to locals for up to a week to accom- that consent decree somehow.” Presents modate out-of-towners. It was unclear whether the boeuf gras The Further Sexual Adventures of Anastasia Steele • The Rex boeuf gras has disappeared. had consented or not. Nor could anyone 50 Shades of Hay It was the last of these events that helped confirm reports that henceforth, it would Anastasia encounters an older farmer. the Underwearians crack the case. Fol- be known as the “Goodell Trophy”. 50 Shades of Sleigh Anastasia’s Christmas Eve encounter with a jolly older elf lowing a trail of foot and hoof prints, the And apparently, New Orleans’ cultural leads to a series of sexual adventures. silky sleuths were led to a remote cow priorities aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. 50 Shades of Pray pasture alongside the banks of Bayou In an attempt to counteract the perfidious Anastasia’s encounter with an older priest outside of a monastery Buggery, just outside the town of Dry penetration of Carnival by the NFL, leads to a series of sexual adventures. Prong. Hearing a medley of mixed moos cheerleading Underwearians will navigate 50 Shades of Bray Anastasia’s encounter with a mule skinner leads to a series of sexual encounters. and moans, they came across the star- the cracks and potholes of the Marigny 50 Shades of Play tling sight of NFL Cummissioner Roger and French Quarter streets during the Anastasia’s pairing with an older man in a Scrabble Tournament Goodell humping Rex’s beloved bovine. Krewe du Vieux parade on the ridiculously leads to a series of sexual adventures. The evidence was undeniable: the NFL early night of January 19, rousing the crowd 50 Shades of Neigh has penetrated Carnival, in more ways than to rebel with cheers like “Block that prick!” Anastasia’s chance encounter with a groom in the tack room of a Kentucky horse farm leads to further erotic adventures. one. “Push ’em out, push ’em out, way out!” 50 Shades of Bay “The Cummish was stuffing that bull like “Hold that wang!” and “For God’s sake, Anastasia meets an older man on the ferry to Nantucket it was a Thanksgiving turkey,” cracked do not show us your tits! and sexual adventures result. one member of the Underwear team. 50 Shades of Clay “Even come Mardi Gras, that’s going to After a chance encounter, Anastasia becomes putty in the hands of Mr. Bill. be one bow-legged boeuf.” 50 Shades of Mae A chance encounter with an older man at a showing of My Little Chickadee When reached in his gated Uptown leads Anastasia to a series of sexual adventures. mansion, Rex was disconsolate over the 50 Shades of Re ravishing of his royal mascot. “I had al- Anastasia becomes involved in a series of sexual adventures with a choir master. ways thought sports were such a no bull 50 Shades of Ray pursuit, but this intrusion on our rites, rituals Anastasia’s chance encounter with a grizzled computer programmer in the KdV Den of Muses leads to unbelievable erotic adventures. and balls is intolerable,” mused the mourn- www.kreweduvieux.org(y) ing monarch, his normally stoic façade Available soon for download or in a plain brown wrapper at a convenience store near you.

– 11 – Waiting for Goodell NFL Victors Denied Lombardi Trophy on Game Day February 6, 2013 tically described as “a football player driving suspect that his Vilma jersey-wearing driver ALL OVER THE MAP – The champi- a carriage with a giant dick in the back” might in fact be suspended thorn-in-his- C.O.A. STATEMENT onship game and associated festivities of around the streets of New Orleans. Re- side Jonathan Vilma. However, Goodell Le Monde de Merde is offered by Super Bowl XLVII went off without a ports flooded into NOPD of a slow mov- appeared less afraid of his driver than he the Krewe du Vieux hitch yesterday, with the minor exception ing impediment to the city’s already slug- was of the raucous entourage surround- in the true spirit of Carnival as of the absence of the Lombardi Trophy gish and beleaguered traffic. Eyewitnesses ing the carriage, as his SPANK security a venue for satire and at the postgame presentation. NFL staffers saw the pair trundling along at dusk, bounc- escorts appeared to be as intoxicated as political comment. spent the entire game scouring the city of ing down a section of Esplanade Avenue the rest of the crowd. The views herein may not reflect New Orleans for league Commissioner which, according to 79-year-old Treme We all know who won the game, but those of Krewe leaders or all Roger Goodell, whose main role of the resident, Wendell Eulace, “hasn’t been one day few people will remember the Krewe members. day was to present the trophy to the win- paved in my lifetime. I didn’t think that champion of Super Bowl XLVII. What They are designed to ning team. carriage was going to make it. And the nobody will forget will be the confused entertain and provoke thought. Goodell was seen disembarking his man in back was NOT enjoying himself look on the face of the winning coach when Besides, ain’t none of us got private jet in New Orleans, where he like the driver was. Oh, that driver was some anonymous staffer approached him nothin’ worth suing for that remains extremely unpopular following his just laughing and telling stories like he was with the unenviable job of delivering the hasn’t fallen off the fiscal cliff. suspensions of the Saints head coach Sean having the time of his life.” news that Commissioner Goodell had not All material ©2013 Payton, defensive captain Jonathan Vilma, Time, it appeared, was quickly becom- yet arrived with the coveted Lombardi by the Krewe du Vieux and several others. Witnesses on the scene ing important to Goodell, who, when din- Trophy. report that Goodell was first met by the ers at the Camellia Grill on Carrollton Ave official Super Bowl XLVII Security Team, watched him roll past, had missed the open- a New Orleans based Krewe du Vieux ing kickoff of the biggest game of the year. MONDU’S AVIARY subsidiary shell company the Krewe of “I had to cover my little Jimmy’s ears,” SPANK Security Specialists. said one Uptown mother, “the man in the He was then escorted by the group to back of that carriage was shouting some a lavishly decorated mule-drawn carriage. of the most rude things I have heard this Armstrong airport baggage handlers over- side of Canal street! I guess that’s why heard an argumentative Goodell repeat- all those angry people were following him!” edly asking how long this would take and Indeed, by this point a large mob wield- pointing to his watch. Goodell’s carriage ing pitchforks and torches had assembled driver, a man ironically wearing a Vilma and was trailing the carriage. Eventually, jersey, stated that the carriage was the this being New Orleans, a brass band preferred transport for VIP’s in the city. materialized and a party erupted in the Despite the Commissioner’s protests, street. Taken by surprise (again) but not the driver snapped his mule into (slow) wanting to be accused of being anti-sec- motion and took off down Airline High- ond line (again), NOPD quickly dispatched “RARE BALD BIRDS” way amidst the wail of horns from irate a cruiser, with lights flashing, to accom- “COME TOGETHER” motorists who, despite the sign posted on pany the growing crowd. the back of the carriage, failed to observe By the time Beyonce took the stage for “Shiny-Headed Hizzoner Owl” – asks Whoooooo will be next to go to jail from City Hall? the proper 15-foot spacing behind the halftime, residents of Mid-City were seen Rare Peacock Species “Proud C-Ray” – says he does no wrong! Want some granite? vehicle. throwing eggs, oyster shells, and lawn Big “Dollar Bill” Bird is headed for a new coop for 13 years! Remember Bill – CYA! “Babbling Broussard” red-breasted parrot – says “Awk! Polly want a bribe?” Further investigation revealed multiple furniture at the panic-stricken Commis- “I know why the caged bird sings,” – former U.S. Attorney Jim Letten sightings of what one Lakeview man cryp- sioner, who by this point had begun to

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