SEMESTER 2 WEEK 1 28 JULY, 2010

Sydney Uni's Privilege Problem? Profile: Kim Beazley Top 5 Political Coups - RIP Rudd HoniSoit.com Launches! 2 BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE FACTIONALThis Week's: CONTENTS Number of times fire alarm went off: 4 HONI SOIT, EDITION 13 WARLORDS OF THE SRCBest song used to drown out fire alarm: Meatloaf ’s “I’ll Do Anything For Love” 28 JULY 2010 Things stuck to fan: Streamers, highlighters, peanut shells Movie that convinced us we don’t exist: Inception. Quote of the week: “This is a long article about poo.” The Arts-Hole 09 The Post Joe Payten hits the waves with Surfer Blood. A letter, an editorial, a call for submissions and 03 Bridie Connellan tried out Darlington’s Honi expands online! Stalker is still on vacation. latest cafe, The Shortlist. David Mack lost his sense of reality at the 10 The Uni-Cycle Abstraction exhibtion. 04 Bridie Connellan chats with Jonathon Carmen Culina looks East to the possibility of Boulet. a USyd China Study Centre and reports on the UNSW strike. Diana Tjoeng ate truly-Asian flavours at a Naomi Hart reports on a Union in crisis mode. Malaysian restuarant. 11 Pristine Ong reviews Andrew Upton’s latest The Usual Suspects 06 play at the STC. David Mulligan got his fan on at Laurence Rosier Staines reviews the latest Darling Harbour. Sleigh Bells album. Liz Schaffer holidays with her family. Mekela Panditharatne imagines the Hollywood The Mains version of K-Rudd’s downfall. 12 AND HAVING SAID ALL THAT FOLKS, David Mack, Henry Hawthorne and WE'VE GOT A ZIP Laurence Rosier Staines took inspiration Anusha Rutnam look at Sydney Uni’s from the Labor coup and counts down history’s 07 plans to increase the intake of students from top five political coups. disadvantaged backgrounds and ask, David Mulligan has fun on Facebook by ‘“Are we all privileged?” playing with people’s minds. THE HYPOTHETICAL: The Soapbox Would you rather 14 The Profile Laurence Rosier Staines is apathetic about Be stranded on a desert island with someone 08 the Federal Election. who really annoysOR you for 2 years Callie Henderson finished her semester in Naomi Hart believes the SRC elections Washington by catching up with Australia’s need some major reforming. Never go on a holiday again Ambassador to the USA – and former Labor for the rest of your life? Oliver Burton defends Belvoir St leader – Kim Beazley. Theatre. FAQs 15 Carmen Culina talks meditation. Can you choose the island? Sarah Fleming and Nadia Daly debunk No. Your plane crashes and it’s pretty random really. myths about boring old Canberra.

Is it the island from Lost? Will there be a polar bear? The Score 16 No, unless the person who annoys you is Matthew Fox. Henry Hawthorne fakes winter snow sport skills. Can I have a weekend away or go on a work Kirsten Wade looks at the NRL teams’ conference? No. All work conferences are to take place at a Darling performance thus far. Harbour function centre. And you don’t even get to stay in a Chris Martin talks Football/Wrestling. nice hotel room. SRC 17 Bletchley Park 20 21

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF David Mack EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, Joe Payten, Anusha Rutnam, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng REPORTERS Oliver Burton, Callie Henderson, Chris Martin, David Mulligan, Mekela Panditharatne, Laurence Rosier Staines, Kirsten Wade Ok, so THIS will be the CONTRIBUTORS Nadia Daly, Sarah Fleming, Pristine Ong, Liz Schaffer Semester that I do all my PUZZLES & CROSSWORD readings. #loljks About 7 mins ago Ben Jenkins & Henry Hawthorne

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 was elected president.*] If Alistair had USU, not USme been dismissed, Mann would not have had a majority on board and would not Dear Honi, EDITORIAL CONTENTS have been President. HONI SOIT, EDITION 13 I write in relation to the recent USU Welcome back to a new semester, a new impressed that your commitment to the 28 JULY 2010 elections. Deb played by the rules and In a climate in which the University Prime Minister and a new dawn for Honi paper rivalled our own. ran a positive campaign. She missed out wishes to take over USU venues and Soit. on finishing in the top 5 by a mere 17 facilities, there could not be a worse Come and celebrate the launch of That’s right. After much blood, sweat HoniSoit.com by joining us at the official votes. The candidate that filled that 5th time for the USU President to act in and tears, we’re positively thrilled launch party, next Wednesday, August 4 09 spot was Alistair Stephenson. During such a capricious and nepotistic manner. the campaign it was revealed that to announce the arrival of HoniSoit. from 6pm at the Verge Gallery. Alistair won the election by 17 votes. com, the brand spanking new website Alistair had breached the funding cap. He spent 300% more on his campaign this gem of a paper deserves! The Don’t worry, though. We haven’t Readers will recall his glossy posters and than Deb White. He should resign from culmination of months and months of forgotten our printed roots. We’ve got hundreds of professionally done shirts. Board immediately. His presence there work, HoniSoit.com will take Honi well a paper overflowing with content, and 10 He declared at the time that he had brings the Union into disrepute and sets into infinity and beyond. some really exciting editions ahead. breached the $700 cap by around $150. a dangerous precedent – that is, if you After the campaign, it was revealed that have enough money you can buy a USU We’re infinitely proud of this In this first issue back, we look at the he had breached it by more than $1500 board directorship. achievement, both for having this huge somewhat sensitive issue of student – that is, he had more than tripled it. monkey off our back but more so for enrolments and the disproportionate what it means for this stellar newspaper number of ‘privileged’ students attending It was also revealed subsequent to the The steps the USU board now takes 11 which we love and adore. It might Sydney Uni. It has been truly fascinating election that Ben Tang had breached the in relation to this matter are critical in spending cap, as had Sibella Matthews. not yet be everything we hoped and to explore the somewhat confused re-establishing the credibility of the dreamed it would be initially, but we’re cultural identity of this place we call After the election, Returning Officer USU and the democratic nature of USU confident that with time and a hearty home, and to learn about USyd’s history Ivan Ah Sam requested all candidates elections. If Alistair does not resign, succession of similarly committed of social inclusion. This feature emerged provide him with a letter to their an independent investigator/ arbiter editorial teams it will grow into out of a casual office discussion about suppliers allowing him to contact them should be appointed to make a definitive something really quite special. The future privilege on campus and we hope you and verify the expenditure receipts they decision on his spending cap breaches. is now, folks. find it as illuminating and interesting 12 had provided to him. to read as it was to write. Provocative? Rhys Latham It’s only appropriate to thank our hard- Hypocritical? Honest? You decide. The day of the Executive elections, Bachelor of Arts, 2nd year. working Publication Managers, Tina where all new board members vote, Ah and Amanda, who worked so diligently Good luck this semester in all your to make our fanciful dream a reality. endeavours. Sam was to make a final decision about *Editor’s Note: Rhys’ letter has been edited for the election. He had concluded that Props are also due to Elly, Phil and the factual and legal reasons. For the full story, turn rest of the Exec; we weren’t the easiest Oh, and team: we’re half-way there. Alistair, Sibella and Tang – Tang having to ‘That’s What She Said’ on Page 5 people to deal with, but we were always personally confessed to him that he had 14 David Mack lied on his funding receipts – had all breached the cap. Ah Sam determined Love mail? Hate mail? Toe nail? that Deb White – unlike Alistair, Sibella and Tang – had complied with the rules SEND IT ALL TO HoniSoit.com now online! and spent less than the $700 funding [email protected] 15 cap. Deb was to take Alistair’s place Editors proud, exhausted on board. [The election for executive NEXT WEEK’S BEST LETTER PRIZE: A copy of the new album by Custom Casting off the throngs of the Old World, everybody’s favourite topical, was called by last year’s president Pat Kings, Great Escape. Bateman before the matter was resolved engaging and under-spell-checked student newspaper expands online. and Dave Mann, Bateman’s boyfriend, In news that comes as a massive relief to 16 current Honi editors everywhere, the new Honi Soit website has finally launched, signalling an exciting new period for Queer Honi Call To Arms Australia’s oldest student newspaper. Calling all queers! After months of internal SRC negotiations and a lengthy web 17 Do you have some journalistic desires development process, HoniSoit.com will you’d like to explore? Some writerly take Honi Soit well into the 21st century. 20 urges just waiting to be sated? Feeling poetic, prosy or just sick of the prosaic? The new website will allow more Then submit to Queer Honi! 21 students to engage and interact with Honi and provide a more simple and Queer Honi is the annual edition of accessible archiving service for most of everyone’s favourite student newspaper, the content printed in the newspaper. Honi Soit. Queer Honi is about whatever it is that tickles your fancy, because Each week will see new features, It’s a celebration! it’s written by… well, you! It’s also interviews and other stories available autonomously produced, which means for your reading pleasure, as well as Just go to www.honisoit.com and enjoy it is entirely written and edited by the opportunity for loads of exciting everything you love about Honi anywhere queer-identifying students. It’s about multimedia content produced by you want. Add it to your bookmarks everything queer, and includes anything students for students. now! from hardcore queer theory to romantic fiction, from personal stories to political The 2010 editorial team is thrilled The official launch of HoniSoit.com will rants, from band reviews to the queerest with the final result and proud to have be from 6-8pm on Wednesday 4 August of interviews. If you identify as lesbian, bisexual, taken Honi in an exciting new direction. at the Verge Gallery. Helping us launch gay, transgender, asexual, intersex, They’re also excited about the numerous the site will be Chaser member and It’s about whatever you want it to be genderqueer, pansexual, trans*, exciting opportunities that exist for former Honi editor, Dom Knight. about. It’s about queer feminisms, questioning, queer, omnisexual, label- future editorial teams to develop and intersex and/or gender diverse rights, free, into BDSM or kink, femme, butch, grow the website. and marriage equality. Sex work, bi-curious or just plain curious, then capitalism, mental health, queers and submit to Queer Honi! … No, seriously! In addition to being Australia’s oldest religion, polyamory and consensual Like, right now! student newspaper, Honi Soit remains the FACT! non-monogamy, autonomy, consent, only weekly student newspaper in the trans masculinities and femininities, If you’re keen to edit or write for Queer country, and with its brand spanking new The internet was invented by gender performance and drag, queers Honi, let us know now! Send all enquiries website will continue to ensure USyd the US Army as a way to swap with disabilities, legal reform, the and submissions to queer.officers@src. students enjoy quality student journalism celebrity gossip. environment, politics and poetry, we usyd.edu.au. and entertaining diversions. want it all. 4 The Uni-Cycle www.honisoit.com Sydney Uni contemplates UNSW Staff Strike, Delay THAT'S WHAT China Study Centre Student Results SHE SAID Carmen Culina hops aboard the Oriental Express. Carmen Culina looks at the storm brewing at Sydney’s other university. The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus.

The proposed China While at Sydney University Studies Centre at the we are used to staff University of Sydney threatening strike action, it’s is the latest move in interesting to hear that our securing the university’s cousins at UNSW have a position as the premier staff that follow through. higher education institution representing More than 20 UNSW Australian interests in academic staff members China. were stood down over the July break for imposing Michael Spence said bans on the publications of the centre would be student’s marks. The bans comparable with the were imposed by members UNSW... Insert easy joke here of the National Tertiary Employees university’s $50 million supported the industrial action. A Union (NTEU) after a breakdown in United States Studies letter signed by more than 160 current Wen Jiabao, Chinese Premier negotiations over pay, growing workloads Centre and would and former students of UNSW Law and the increased use of casual bring together international diplomacy, And it is not all talk: data from Thomson empathise with concerns about job employees, and come as a final attempt business relations and educational Reuters prepared in May shows that security, rates of pay, paid parental leave to secure progress on a new enterprise teaching and research, and will aim to China is the university’s third most and Indigenous employment targets and agreement that will place UNSW staff further develop business, language and important overseas research partner urged the Vice Chancellor Fred Hilmar on par with their counterparts at other cultural links between the two nations. after the United States and the United to reconsider the decision as the loss of major Australian universities. Kingdom. academics would “cause significantly

The plans are being showcased more disruption to students than the The decision to stand down academic extensively at the Shanghai World Expo Another Thomson Reuters report, original bans”. The letter also outlines staff rather than take one of the other that began in May this year, where prepared in November last year, shows the implications of the decision which, it options available to the university under the university paid $1 million for a that the University of Sydney is the is claimed, significantly undermines the the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth) has been six-month residency at the Australian world’s fifth most frequent university university’s reputation as a “progressive extensively criticised as yet another pavilion. This brings the university collaborator with Chinese institutions, and socially responsible” institution. The bad move from university management alongside companies such as Qantas and and has co-authored 1432 papers with associated ‘UNSW Law students support after years of corporate re-styling of the Lend Lease, and marks a serious bid to Chinese universities over the past five our lecturers’ group on facebook has 780 university. The university has also been increase the exposure given to the new years that resulted in publication in members at date of writing. accused of attempting to play students university project. Thomson-indexed journals, more than and academics off against each other by any other Australian university. The NTEU resolved to lift the remaining framing the industrial action as a major While other universities are similarly bans on recording and transmission detriment to students. touting their links with China, university Momentum for the development of of student results on Friday, effective media releases suggest that USyd’s the China Studies Centre is building from Monday 26 July. Furthermore, One academic who was stood down history uniquely positions it to host the with NSW Premier Kristina Keneally due to the outrage expressed by many and preferred not to be named defends China Studies Centre, having taught giving her in-principle support to a in the UNSW community and facing the decision, saying that the decreasing Chinese languages for over a century formal partnership between the NSW the prospect of lectures defying the levels of financial support of teaching and Chinese students for over 30 years. Government and the proposed centre stand down orders to teach on the grass, staff “means only one thing for students: just last week. Although it is unclear UNSW management was forced to a worsening learning environment with Currently the university hosts more whether the NSW Government will be retreat from its decision to stand staff disgruntled, overworked, underpaid and than 5000 Chinese students across in a position to emulate the $25 million down. undervalued staff ”. Despite university undergraduate and postgraduate degrees contribution of the federal government management claims, NTEU members and has a network of 10,000 alumni in towards the US Studies Centre, the Industrial relations at Sydney University appear to be mindful of minimising China. gesture recognizes the importance of have remained stable since the the impact on students and have increasing the critical mass of China- threatened 24-hour strike was narrowly created alternative avenues for student Spence has also identified 88 members literate Australians. averted last September with a collective exemptions. There have also been of academic staff across ten disciplines workplace agreement which saw NTEU reports of dismissed lecturers such as who are working in some area of University sources are hopeful that members at Sydney University receive Law academic Pru Vines voluntarily Chinese studies, which he suggests is “by China Studies Centre will begin an 18.3 per cent wage increase over the teaching courses without being paid. far the largest group of academics in this operations on 1 January 2011. life of the agreement (two and a half field at any Australian university.’’ years). The UNSW student body has vocally 5 he could continue to assist with the election of the new Board, scheduled THAT'S WHAT administrative side of investigating some months before, was rapidly complaints and make recommendations approaching. … [W]e had even changed to Board. Only the Board, however, is the constitution to enable us to have it on SHE SAID empowered to implement (or reject) any that date because all the Directors had The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. such recommendations, including on wanted to move the election earlier to STEPHENSON’S SPENDING Minutes before Ah Sam declared the the potential expulsion of candidates. enable a better hand over process. … BLOWOUT election (which he was constitutionally Bateman explained that the Board During the USU Board election required to do within 72 hours of polls has submitted Ah Sam’s report, Because the USU had never had a campaign, three candidates (Sibella closing), Massarani lodged a complaint including recommendations relating to situation like this before and because Matthews, Alistair Stephenson and against several candidates, other than Stephenson’s spending cap violation, to every Director involved potentially had Hiltin Guo) admitted that they had Stephenson, alleging they had breached an independent third party to obtain some stake in when the election was breached the USU Regulations’ the spending cap. As there was no further recommendations, which it will held, a number of Board Directors spending cap. They were required to evidence substantiating the complaint, consider at its August meeting. The (of very different political persuasions) hand some of their t-shirts in to Ivan Ah Sam dismissed it immediately. Board has also established a Working rightly requested that we seek Ah Sam, the Returning Officer, and Massarani appealed to the Electoral Group to consider other matters in independent legal advice on what to were temporarily suspended from Legal Arbiter, providing evidence, Ah Sam’s report, which may lead to do. The CEO and I complied with the campaigning. several days later. She decided that this “far-reaching and dramatic electoral request and approached the same firm constituted a new complaint, so referred reforms”, according to Bateman. the USU had always used. … it to Ah Sam. More on that below. Since the election, Ah Sam conducted BATEMAN DENIES RUSHING The legal advice was that once the a more thorough investigation into EXEC VOTE candidates’ spending, requiring them Since the election, several Union Returning Officer declares the poll … he If you read this week’s Letters page (page to submit receipts, as Honi reported last employees and Board Directors have can no longer exclude candidates from 3), you’ll know that some charges have semester. Honi has heard unconfirmed accused Massarani of harassing them, the election. ... The only body that may been levelled against Bateman’s calling rumours that Ah Sam found Stephenson calling them dozens of times a day and act on a complaint after the declaration of the elections for the Executive of the breached the cap by $1500, despite even issuing veiled threats. Massarani of the poll is the Board itself. But of Board before it had been decided on admitting to a breach of only a few could also not be reached for comment. course the Board cannot constitutionally what to do with the recommendations in hundred dollars. We have been unable to meet until after the election of the new IVAN’S POWERS SWITCHED Ah Sam’s report. With Stephenson on reach Stephenson for comment. office bearers, regardless of what date OFF Board at the time, the election was held As mentioned above, the Electoral the election is. Therefore the advice we and Bateman’s boyfriend, Dave Mann, MASSARANI’S APPEALS FAIL Legal Arbiter referred Massarani’s received was that we should proceed had the majority he required to secure Pat Massarani, who ranked tenth in the new complaint to Ah Sam after the with the election as scheduled. … election as President. USU election, complained to Ah Sam election was declared. The Union during the campaign that the measures sought legal advice on Ah Sam’s power It would be extraordinarily reckless for Bateman offered Honi the following imposed against Matthews, Stephenson to determine the matter at this time. a Board of Directors to ignore its own explanation: “Six weeks after the and Guo for breaching the spending Patrick Bateman, the Union President legal advice, and thankfully only one election, a complaint raised by an cap were insufficiently severe. Ah Sam at the time, told Honi that the legal Director suggested that we should. The unsuccessful candidate about a successful dismissed the complaint. Massarani advice the Union received was that CEO and the rest of the Board were in candidate still hadn’t been dealt with by appealed to the Electoral Legal Arbiter, virtually all of Ah Sam’s powers expired full agreement.” the Returning Officer. The date for the who dismissed the complaint. when he declared the election, though Naomi Hart Do you have mild asthma?

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passing football,” or, “they need to blind optimism, a point brilliantly play a more attacking game”. So for a proven when, after our 4-0 loss chronic band-wagoner like me, never to Germany, Darling Harbour still was there a better way to immerse reached maximum capacity at oneself in football culture than by 11.30pm for the next game against flocking to the Darling Harbour FIFA Ghana, with flocks of fans being Fan Fest to watch a game with people turned away before the match who actually understood it. kicked off.

David Mulligan got fanatic at the Now obviously whenever the These Australian games were FIFA World Cup Celebrations in Socceroos played, Darling Harbour festival-like events with an electric Darling Harbour. became a sea of green and gold. All atmosphere exciting the crowd, but of those submarine football supporters to keep the crowd entertained while Like many of you, the FIFA World the true test of a football fan was who usually only surfaced for the no-name bands were occasionally Cup holds special relevance for me, whether he or she turned up to a Premier League (or in more pathetic scheduled to keep the four or five fans because much like the Olympics it’s a game between two of the lesser- cases the A-league) now had an who decided to brave the bitter cold special time that only comes around known football nations. Therefore, excuse to amass in one place as they awake until the 4.30am kick off. every four years where I once again during the group stage, due to my finally had the opportunity to see jump on the bandwagon and pay love of football, I had the good their team play on the world stage. So all in all, the FIFA Fan Fest was a attention to sports. Now don’t get fortune to see Cote d’Ivoire and North I mean, when it comes to Australian brilliant spectacle filled with green me wrong, I don’t hate sports, but, Korea play off (read: I saw Toy Story football, it’s an unspoken truth that and gold, overpriced glow-stick like most people, the limits of my 3 at IMAX), and suffice to say these we’re not terribly good, but whatever stands, excessive shouting and just knowledge and interest only extends were slightly quieter ordeals. Much we lack in skill, speed, talent and a pinch of football. Til Rio, football to your classic sporting clichés such like poorly organised parties, Karaoke money we more than make up for in goodnight and good luck! as, “they just need to focus on playing and FIFA 2010 Xbox games were used

When crossing Wisemans Ferry (a rather rad convict invention), ILYBR attacked the map and got her pun-tasticness Wanderlust on. “Hey Liz, I hope we don’t kick Liz Schaffer talks awkward family roadtrips. the bucket in Bucketty… Hey look, a wollobat, get it? It’s a wombat from Family road trips define my life. so-quaint town in the Hunter Valley Wollomi!” The day I turned 13 was the day both famous for sourdough, having a founder my siblings were lovingly instructed who fought in the Napoleonic Wars and, On a side note, seriously, go to Wollomi. to punch me like they meant it. Our well, just being uber pretty, really. They have a scarecrow festival and parents used the resulting tears to avoid letterboxes shaped like pigs. Actually, on a speeding ticket in Albury. Well played, I’m still not sure if the resulting eight- the subject of useless travel advice, St parents, well played indeed. hour drive (to reach a town only two hours from Sydney) was embarrassing, Alban’s tavern has the best bread and butter pudding of all time and ever. Likewise, my junior school graduation comical or something that should never was signposted by an aromatic drive from have been attempted. But back to ILYBR. As we ventured up Hobart to Devonport, which proved that the largely forgotten Great North Road Not Liz’s family, but awkward nonetheless yes, my squirt of a brother really couldn’t Problems arose, roughly around I was instructed to record her ‘travel stomach blue cheese. Glenorie, when ILYBR began belting are-so-embarrassing” people, I have Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy”, to-do list’. Highlights included 1) Steal to give ILYBR a hefty dose of credit. that cow; re-name it ‘Buttercup’; 2) So, it was only fitting that upon returning before presenting an unnervingly well She found us a wine-infused road, a Explore more rural land; 3) Hire a truck from a sort-of foreign country (New researched argument explaining exactly rather impressive collection of road art and borrow the pretty rocks; 4) Learn Zealand) I hit the road with my trusty why Mr Stewart was, in fact, sexy. How (read yellow submarines and bathtubs), the actual words to “Da Ya Think I’m mother, known for now as ‘I Love You that led her onto “Flick The Little Fire paid for lunch and magically got us Sexy”. But Really’ (ILYBR). Engine” is anyone’s guess but apparently to Morpeth in one late piece. So, lists, they wouldn’t let him fight a fire, isn’t wollobats and Rod Stewart aside, However, despite my obvious desire Our job was to get to Morpeth, an ever- that a shame? Oh joy, really. parental road trips have a few defining to be one of those “eugh-my-parents- years in them yet.

If [...... ] was a robot makes his way in the world, FACTS! HOLLYWOOD masquerading as the spectacle-toting Milky Bar kid, frequenting strip clubs, Before appearing as a judge MOVIE and dreaming of world domination. on MasterChef, Matt Preston worked as a journalist, waiter His fuse box longs to make kinetic and the third moon of THIS WEEK: energy with the fiery human red- Neptune. THE POLITICAL CAREER OF (FORMER) head known as Julia Gillard, whom PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD he capriciously instates as his trusted If you had to clap every second-in-command. time a can of Coke was sold somewhere in the world, your K-Rudd is a sadly malfunctioning cyborg Tragedy, however, looms upon the hands would explode after 3.5 assassin sent back in time from the year horizon as his fail-safe ‘Mandarin mode’ seconds. 2029 to terminate the biggest scourge to 2007 - 2010 ceases to win support from his would-be humanity since the invention of skin- minions. The most venomous animal tight jeggings: Tony Abott. Will K-Rudd be doomed to fade forever known to man is the hamster. In a preposterous and premature twist, into a robot oblivion densely populated Due to being haphazardly wired during K-Rudd is denied his fair shake of the by the ghosts of working families, or In the USA, three million the finale of MasterChef, however, sauce bottle by his beloved ranga deputy will sparks fly when he summons his hamburgers are consumed K-Rudd is defective in all but one of when he is stabbed in the back by a knife electrons for one final charge? Only time every day – half of those by his killer elements: his ability to make that is lamentably not quite so sharp will tell. Gary Johnson of Tampa, endless and scarily soporific speeches. as to cut through the sexual tension Florida. between Julia and Abbott. Mekela Panditharatne Nonetheless, this determined little 7 Top 5 Political Coups better than 'the Spillard' Laurence Rosier Staines The only televised debate between COUNTDOWN Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Caligula 5 Opposition Leader Tony Abbott was Mad Roman Emperor Caligula was dispatched in a very bloody coordinated attack by his own moved forward by an hour so as not bodyguards, and in Suetonius’ version he even cried out “I’m still alive!” (usually a bad move in an to compete with the finale of Channel assassination attempt). An effort to capitalise on his sudden death by bringing back the Republic was Ten’s hit series MasterChef. Additional quashed by the military, who installed Caligula’s less-mad uncle Claudius. proposals to increase viewership of the debate included a mystery box challenge and replacing the panel of political The Year of the Four Emperors journalists with Gary, George and Matt. 4 More Romans. After Nero (Claudius’ successor) was forced to kill himself, internal bickering and catastrophic political misjudgements led to four more emperors ascending in that same year. The first ABC News 24 went live last was Galba, who refused to give wages to the army that had supported him, and became so unpopular Thursday night, signalling a new that Vitellius marched all the way from Germany to find that Otho had already deposed him. Vitellius era for the national broadcaster. roundly defeated Otho and was eventually killed by supporters of Vespasian. So much for continuity. The launch came a few weeks after the ABC broke ‘the Spillard’ story in their 7pm news bulletin King Wamba 3 and then proceeded to show The Though sources are sketchy, Wamba – who had been proclaimed King of the Visigoths in 672, New Inventors, Spicks and Specks, against his will – was allegedly overthrown when a power-hungry young man named Erwig drugged The Gruen Transfer and At The him and shaved his head, making it impossible for him to rule any longer because he now resembled a Movies before finally interrupting monk. Erwig was named King, and Wamba apparently lived happily in a monastery until he died. the evening’s programmes to cover the ALP’s leadership challenge. Australians without Sky News Maximilian I of Mexico 2 may have missed out on proper In a chapter of history that from here looks thoroughly absurd, French emperor Napoleon III coverage, but we sure got our fair installed Austrian nobleman Ferdinand Maximilian Joseph as the Emperor of Mexico in an attempt to share of Wil Anderson. destroy Mexican democracy. The coup was successful if short-lived, and despite the utter ridiculousness of his being there at all, Maximilian genuinely loved Mexico right up until his execution. Several news organisations, including ABC Online and CNN, ran amusing puff-pieces last week about a man who Africa 1 robbed a Long Island bank dressed That’s right. I’m listing the whole continent because of its immense over-representation when it as Darth Vader – “armed not with a comes to political coups. There have been over 80 coups in Africa in the last 50 years, but on the lightsaber but with a gun!”. Which goes plus side a comparatively small amount of them hinge on assassinations. Good for you, Africa. You go, to show if next time you’re committing Africa. genocide, dress as Harry Potter and you’ll be a media darling. The Fake Facebook Profile Experiment David Mulligan set up as fake Facebook profile and counted the weirdos that accepted the friend request. On Campus As Barry O’Farrell proved last week with profile picture as hot as possible. his Summer Heights High-inspired tweats, Possibly one of the best investments Residence caution needs to be observed when using I made was to make mine the lovely social networking sites, even on the topic Miss Teen USA 2009. I quickly of rangas. But here at Honi, we are of discovered that guys are surprisingly 2011 the opinion that people are becoming accepting of strangers on the less, instead of more, careful about who internet – if they’re hot. In fact, St Paul’s College they befriend within the cyber world. throughout the three weeks of this So, keen to build Honi’s reputation for experiment I was hit on (all verified top-notch investigative journalism, at the by independent female sources) by a end of last semester I created a Clark total of six completely random guys. Kent style alter ego to see just how many Unfortunately I was unable to ever people I could befriend with my new convert these entreaties into anything Recognise Elizabeth? Apparently 365 ‘friends’ do. creation, Elizabeth Moore. more as my skills of flirtation under the pretence of being Miss Teen USA 2009 could have been a lot bigger had I put Now when I first began this three were somewhat weak. My attempts at more effort in, but the main problem St Paul’s College invites week ordeal, I have to admit that seduction were all a pitiful mish-mash of in becoming more popular is that Lizzy’s Facebook profile page was “lols” and “omgs” that failed to impress whenever you add too many people, enquiries and applica- about as convincing as an Ab-King any of my male suitors despite their Facebook accuses you of being antisocial Pro infomercial. Her wall had been tions for on-campus suggestive “xoxo” finishes. and threatens to block your profile, littered with abusive messages, people something that would have been a fatal residence in 2011. continuously asked whether she was real, Step Three: After adding people, blow to Lizzy’s social life. Kudos must and I even had one accusation of being whenever someone asks whether you’ve go to one unnamed individual who was a prostitute looking to find business in a met, simply respond by looking up a so skilful in recognising my fake persona new city (not kidding). But through the common friend and saying, “Oh I’m that he was even able to post me the link www.stpauls.edu.au weeks I was able to slowly build my skills sorry, I’m [insert name]’s friend, I to my photos via Google images. Bravo of deception until I eventually created [email protected] thought we met the other night. How sir, bravo. my own iPhone armed, party-going and embarrassing.” Sixty per cent of the mini-skirt wearing Frankenstein Monster, Location: 9 City Road, Camperdown time this works. Why? Because said So with the completion of my three- through these three easy to follow steps person will be so embarrassed to have week task, like any great novel, I killed that you can even carry out in your own forgotten you that they’ll simply accept off my main protagonist. So if anyone home! that you’re real. Success! However, be is interested in leaving condolence prepared for this to fail, as when it does messages on her wall (I found it rather Step One: The key to any good creepy you’ll cop something like, “I haven’t seen hard to convince people to do this Facebook stalker page is to have friends that person for years, you pervert!” (I’m beforehand), feel free to do so, but please who will leave messages on your wall. not going to lie: that hurt a little on the try and write with the respect befitting It just helps to give it an authentic look inside). the way she lived. that says, “Hey, I’m not a creepy stalker! Seriously!” Results: By the end of the third week, R.I.P Elizabeth Moore. Elizabeth had made 365 brand new Step Two: Make the person in your friends. Now, admittedly this total 8 The Profile www.honisoit.com Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be

Callie Henderson talks to Kim Beazley, AustralianKim Ambassador Beazley. to the US. It’s the Beazley’s Kneazleys.

Labor heavyweight Kim Beazley began Plus, when you’re stuck in a wheelchair Further, “[PM Kevin his appointment as the Australian those pesky squash games and dog walks Rudd] announced some Ambassador to the United States of fall out of the necessary pile, leaving more time ago that he was America in February this year. After room to spare for... Ambassador business! concerned at the state of months of calling, emailing, and other So, what has good ol’ Kim been up to in regional organisation in forms of young journalistic harassment, I his first few months? the Asia-Pacific region in was granted 20 minutes of the Bomber’s that the United States was time. As the Australian Ambassador, he is not sufficiently engaged responsible for keeping abreast of the with some of the big On a chilly May afternoon, I arrived at machinations of Washington, and works organisations developing, the Australian Embassy and after a short to represent the interests, views and and needed to be. wait, was taken up to the fourth floor agenda of the Australian Government. Advocating that has taken by Scott Bolitho, Ambassador Beazley’s This is not an easy job. Thus the “major a considerable amount of director of political affairs. Bolitho was issues on the job so far” question I time. Gradually, the US outwardly friendly, but his continuous so naïvely asked elicited a shopping is moving towards similar qualifications and questions belied a list of subjects. Halfway through the positions on this.” wariness of this writer’s pen. Perhaps Ambassador’s inventory I uttered a Honi’s reputation preceded her... completely unintentional sigh, which Most apparent has been triggered a light-hearted chuckle and a the depth of discussion of However, once I was seated at truly deserved “well, you asked!”. I felt the US-Australia security Ambassador Beazley’s coffee table I was very much like a misbehaving niece. partnerships. Our place as given the impression that any question a US ally and our position I asked him was a good one, and that It seems that the Honi eds were not in Afghanistan, especially really this was more a chat with Uncle the only ones put into a flurry of “their assessment of our Kim, rather than a formal interview reorganisation when Obama first value to them”, has been with the person appointed to the top postponed his trip. “The major issues an important discussion ambassadorial position an Australian revolve around the potential visit of point for the Ambassador to diplomat can occupy. the President to Australia, and that work on. Further, pushing has involved a great deal more time the Defence Trade Cooperation And what do you talk about with an [than expected]” because the trip was Treaty (which was signed by uncle when they come to visit? The postponed twice. (We’re still waiting, Mr Prime Minister Howard and President Kimmy, look at moiii... weather, of course. Being a newcomer President!) Bush in 2007, but has yet to be ratified by best trading relationship [with us] of to Washington in the middle of a the US Congress) into the limelight has anyone on earth, and also we’re a friendly particularly inhospitable winter proved to I was absolutely been a priority of the office. face. We tend to see eye to eye on global be quite the upset for the Perth native. “I trade. And the US doesn’t necessarily was absolutely and completely and totally and completely However, as Beazley has been closely have many friends on that front.” useless,” he said. “I did not understand and totally useless.* watching the debates over healthcare and the potential impact of black ice, not to *Beazley commenting on his kneecap injury. financial reform, he wryly explained, “it Meanwhile, we get from the US a trade look out for it.” This oversight earned will not be completed for a while yet. The partner, as well as the “ability to mount an him two broken patellas (kneecaps for Senate has so much on their plate at the effective defence of a difficult to defend those at home), and a wheelchair for his moment that it is hard to get a look in.” continent with a small population.” This first two months in the post. The general theme of the Ambassador’s was an ability I youthfully believed was no Washington agenda is the maintenance Something the Ambassador didn’t longer necessary – GOVT 1202 told me Although he grumbled about the change and development of Australia’s learn on the political field is the art that that global trade has ended the need for in climate and the disadvantageous nature relationship with the US across all issues. comes from speaking not for oneself, defence against other nation-states. Oh of his first two months, the Ambassador Following the Doha round of free trade but for one’s country and one’s leader. no, schooled again by Uncle Ambassador: did emphasise that the appointment is a negotiations, the Ambassador has been “It is tricky, political training isn’t “we inhabit a very interesting region in great honour. “It has been professionally occupied discussing the “idea of a Trans- necessarily the best training for being an which they’re going through a period for fantastic, but there’s got to be a downside Pacific partnership, starting that as a Ambassador. Political training is about which there is no historical precedent. to every good thing.” regional organisation”. taking responsibility. There’s no-one There has never been a case in world you can trust but yourself – and that politics where so many countries – not helps – but it has to be in agreement just China – so many countries have with [the Prime Minister]. You can make risen to economic prosperity and power suggestions, but there is only so much in such a short time with virtually none room to move.” of the issues that are there between them resolved. It has the capacity to be a For all the talk about Australia’s prosperous, dynamic, peaceful, friendly importance to the US and vice-versa, region. It also has the possibility of we still seem a bit like the young child serious trouble emerging.” interminably pulling on the sleeve of our older, stronger brother. Yet, like You heard it here first, folks: Australia is Ambassador Bleich (Honi issue 4), not as invulnerable as we on our private Ambassador Beazley emphasises that beaches drinking the kool-aid may feel. America is cognisant of Australia’s Finally, while Ambassador Beazley feels importance. “We now have a level of that although a great experience, his time significance to the United States that we in politics didn’t automatically prepare didn’t have during the Cold War, because him for the life of a diplomat, “my time we not only have the joint facilities, but in parliament allows me to put an arm we’ve got that critical viewpoint, political around every member of Congress I Callie and Kim Beazley in his Washington office. position. They’ve got to have the about meet, and commiserate.” The Arts Hole 9

what I want to write. For me, it’s more ourselves allowed us to try different things about the songs than anything.” and make our own decisions. We could see what we’d done in a million different SOUNDS From the anthemic “Swim” to the roomy lights.” “Anchorage”, each song is clearly crafted around the incredibly catchy melodies With such a strong idea of what they that Surfer Blood have a knack for wanted their sound to embody, Surfer surfer blood writing. Their sound has drawn regular Blood thrived in a recording process that comparison to groups like Japandroids, they had total control of. “It definitely Joe Payten talks to the Floridian rockers ahead of their upcoming Manning gig. Cymbals Eat Guitars and BOAT, a turned out for the best on this record. comparison Pitts is reluctant to agree No one knows the songs like you do. It’s not at all surprising to hear JP Pitts, Surfer Blood. After meeting the other Kim Beazley. with. “Well you could see it like that, I I’m in no way opposed to an engineer of Surfer Blood, tell me that some of band members through friends, chance guess there are a lot of bands out there for the next record, but we want to feel his favourite bands are Pavement, Yo La encounters and a mutual dislike for now with a similar sound. I really like comfortable and trust the person we work Tengo, Dinosaur Jr. and Built To Spill. electronic music, the band was formed by those groups, but we weren’t trying to with. We just want creative control.” His band’s music sounds like some sort a collective desire to make catchy guitar fit in with a particular scene when we of glorious hybridisation of the giants pop. They released their breakout single recorded Astro Coast.” This next album, however, is a way off of 90s indie rock, all taken to the beach. “Swim” in late 2009, and the hype that yet. “We’ve got more touring ahead of It is music that sounds like youth, music surrounded them after this would have But though Pitts doesn’t see the band us, but we want to start piecing material that begs to be vigorously air-guitared in been enough to overwhelm any further as part of any particular aesthetic together for our next release, we’ve got your bedroom and ferociously drummed efforts. But their debut album Astro Coast, movement, he has a strong idea of what a lot of good ideas. We can’t really write on your steering wheel (or desk, or the released at the start of this year, easily Surfer Blood is. “I was never a surfer, TJ much on tour, and we’re trying to keep nearest hard surface). lived up to expectations, and Surfer Blood (Schwarz) was though,” he laughs. “The our recording plans as open as possible are now doing national tours of the US, name came about as a joke, but the band because our schedule might change.” Pitts, along with the rest of Surfer Blood as well as playing Splendour in the Grass, isn’t about actual surfing. It has a lot more and New York band The Pains Of Being and Reading and Leeds in the UK. It’s an to do with our imagery and aesthetic. If their schedule right now is anything Pure At Heart, is on his way to Memphis impressive, and even by today’s standards, Surfing reminds me of youth. It reminds to go by, it may be a while before Surfer when I speak with him, before taking rapid rise to indie stardom for the band me of that time in your life where you can Blood find time to get back in the studio. a few days off to get home and see his that played their first ever show only 15 do stuff without consequences, and the In Australia to play Splendour, they’ll family. That home is Miami, Florida, months ago. band and its music tries to embody that.” be out here for a week touring including known more for KC and the Sunshine a show at Manning Bar, and after that Band and LeBron James than its Surfer Blood’s emergence in 2009 was Like most groups recording a debut they’re off to Japan, and then to England independent music scene. into an indie landscape where bands such album, Surfer Blood did it the hard for Reading and Leeds Festivals. “It’s as Dirty Projectors and Vampire Weekend way. “There was very little high-tech really just a dream come true, it’s what we “There is more of a scene developing were using the guitar experimentally, equipment involved,” Pitts laughs when all want to do. It’s so awesome to finally lately, there are more people starting integrating the instrument with chamber discussing Astro Coast. “When we started be recognised,” says Pitts. But despite the bands,” Pitts says. “For a long time there sections and West African rhythms. “The off, we booked a studio for two days and excitement the next few months’ holds was no one playing music in Miami, it esoteric stuff is excellent, Dirty Projectors’ we hoped to record the whole thing in for them, Surfer Blood keep a relatively was really hard to get shows, and there album was brilliant. I just don’t have that time. In two days, we were lucky to modest benchmark for success. “We just wasn’t much interest generally. Of a desire to write that stuff,” says Pitts. even get the drums done.” They faced haven’t been arrested or gotten into any course there are plenty of people who Surfer Blood instead used guitars to play the obvious dilemma of continuing to fistfights, so I guess its all good.” play music, but the real difficulty, the gutsy riffs and catchy hooks – in short, spend “a ton of money” to record in a main problem with Miami, is trying to to make a classic guitar album. And they studio, or to just do it themselves. Being Surfer Blood will be playing at find the right people to play with.” succeeded wildly. “A lot of it comes down the poverty-stricken artists that they were, Manning on 3 August. to influences, and what influences me is they opted for the latter. “Recording it The first 50 tickets sold at the Access But that doesn’t seem to have hindered distinctive, catchy pop music, and that’s office will be 50 per cent off.

OM NOM NOM chorizo, while a regular favourite jamon y queso baguette throws a nice exotic multilingual spin on ham and cheese toasties. Not ready for bready? THE SHORTLIST Get your oat on. The muesli and Bridie Connellan is short, and gets shorty, with a short black. SHORTLY. yoghurt effectively tries nothing new While you traveling annoyances were macadamia brownies and infamously on an old favourite and nicely avoids dandying the break away in Morocco fresh Ginger Ninjas beckoning the a common faux pas when crafting this or something disgustingly exotic, the purchaser with glee. staple dish – they leave out the damn sticky stretch of convenience stores and melon. kebab kingdoms on Abercrombie Street Late-morning is the best time to avoid the sprung a loungeroom. Water served in regular rush and claim the fireside, with The food here is unfussy yet filled coffee jugs, a shower in the bathroom, an affordable selection of just-what-I-felt- with flavour- the kind of dishes you’re a homestyle bench for people-watching, like menu offerings falling nicely in the entirely capable of making yourself Redfern gave birth to a café that puts the category of blunch. Not brunch, blunch. but lack the ingredients or drive to do ‘style’ back in ‘homestyle’. Breakfast at, not near, lunchtime. For the so. With an actual shortlist of alternate skint, a soft sourdough with Vegemite names for their little establishment The two hard-working ladies behind or fruit toast will set the light snacker including particular favourites ‘The the delightful wooden nook known for back a mere couple o’ dollaz, or for a Pig & Thistle’, ‘Abercrumbie’ or ‘This now as The Shortist, sure know their more toothsome dish, a liberal helping Is Not A Boat’, perhaps the pair grind. Their Little Marionette choice of avocado with peppercorns and lemon should ignore that blank sign outside of bean is well worth the awkward oil certainly satiates the senses (and the they’re still yet to fill and keep things sidestep past neighbours Tripod and Café saltbuds). homely. The only problem with this Ella, particularly when each day sees a running a write-up on this little gem, new roast scrawled lovingly across the The famished student will not go home is you jetsetting commuters now know blackboard wall. The duo’s decision to unhappy, with sweet and savoury options it exists. ship in baked goods from fellow Newtown confusing one’s emotional breakfast state. local Black Star pastry is nothing Sumptuous homemade baked beans The Shortlist is open Monday- short of genius, with an individually with bocconcini come forth with the Sunday at 258 Abercrombie selected assortment of darling chocolate carnivorous option of mamma-made Street, Darlington. 10 The Arts Hole www.honisoit.com SOUNDS Jonathon boulet Bridie Connellan wants to meet you in the water, wall-front, whatever. Jonathan Boulet was once described to really like having a band around me when me as ‘music to listen to on a ferry.’ Wind I play, I don’t want to take control of whipping through tresses, ephemeral everyone on the stage, and I don’t want melodies and fleeting moments of ocean to direct,” he says. “Opening things up spray – if the youthful quandaries of this keeps it real.” 21-year-old are the sound of nautical movement, may we all don some boat At the ripe old age of 21, Boulet shows a shoes and an iPod stat. humble modesty that sets him apart from the scenesters, and his recent signing to Self-described as ‘pop’ music (aka Modular People (Cut Copy, The Presets, Photo by Diana Rogers ‘anything goes’), this Sydney local’s debut Yeah Yeah Yeahs) has hardly seen him Mumford for one of his Sons at the three- EP successfully harnessed the infectious cut to a commercial break. “I’m trying to Maybe it’s a penchant for group day festival, Boulet assures his backstage power of young and idle giddiness which maintain some sort of grounding. I don’t singalongs, maybe it’s a desire to avoid manners will be strictly profesh. “I’m was met with a roaring response across know if I am or I will succeed but I’m personal exposure, but a closer analysis definitely not a ‘Going Up To Other Sydney’s cultural press. Key track “A always trying to keep myself in check,” of Boulet’s youthful lyrics reveals a heavy Bands’ kind of guy,” he says. “It’s got to Community Service Announcement” he assures. The man and his crew tote reliance on the collective term ‘we’ be the most awkward thing in the world, proved a communally bounding anthem the kind of community found in kids rather than ‘I’. “It’s just a big communal I wouldn’t know what to say, and the proclaiming, “Here we are, we are, are we on hanging on a suburban street eating reference,” he says. “I would rather people there really don’t want to meet top?” for all to share and bask in keyboard Bubble O’Bills in summer. But unlike [lyrics] be about the group. I don’t want anyone new. I don’t want to add to their wonderment. As Triple J presenter Dom Every Other Sydney band, this is one them to be a big ego trip like, ‘Yeah… frustration.” Alessio asserted, “Hello and welcome to uplifting collective consistently thinking well… I’m… awesome.’ When a song the sound of youth.” fresh. “We’ve got a very big emphasis on becomes about the group and not you, it That’s a story yet to be told, dear Boulet, thinking differently and trying to avoid becomes more real to more people.” but with 60 seconds to finish on this As he soaks up the rays of a glorious the trend to simply launch an album at sunny PM, perhaps a life-in-a-minute Tuesday afternoon, Boulet’s mellow Oxford Art Factory,” he says. Boulet’s With 2010 already proving flourishing description that defies gravity and reason? unassuming demeanor is surprising, given rhythmic endurance stems from his for this Hills District local, Boulet’s next “OK picture this. You know on TV when his plethora of reasons to develop an multitasking musical nature, serving as stage is the coveted fields of Woodford at they have those tornado specials and ego. Headlining spots at Groovin’ The the drummer for Sydney synth-pop outfit Splendour in the Grass before returning they’re like stormchasers or something? Moo, Come Together, Creative Sydney Parades. “I really enjoy the contrast,” he to Sydney for our own Verge Festival My life is the biggest tornado that they and now Splendour In The Grass are the says. “Each band is very different and on campus. We just hope he doesn’t get show at the end.” Touché sir, let it whirl. tip of the Bouletberg, with this musical so are the listeners. It’s good to get away too excited up north. “I’m ridiculously auteur even finding time to self-produce from one to the other. I can just sit back excited. If I die the day after Splendour Jonathon Boulet is playing Splendour from his garage and get mad props from on the drums every now and then, rather I think I’ll be happy,” he laughs (*Verge in The Grass 31 July-2 August and Kanye West’s blog. The only clincher? than worry about what’s happening at the Directors wince). But as far as asking Verge Festival 1 September He just doesn’t want to do it alone. “I front of the stage.”

Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney CANVAS PATHS TO Notice of 2010 David Mack gets lost in abstract art. ABSTRACTION It’s fitting that the title of the latest Students’ exhibition showing at the Art Gallery of NSW refers to the ‘Paths to Abstraction’ Representative since the curators have made a concerted effort to guide patrons through the Council chronological experiments undertaken by a series of artists whose names are now canonical: from Whistler’s musical Annual Election compositions, to the Impressionists’ broad brush strokes, to the explosion of colour Election Nomination forms can be downloaded from the under Matisse, the cubist linear works of Nominations for the Students’ Representative SRC website: www.src.usyd.edu.au, or picked Picasso and Braque, and finally ‘the limits Council Annual Elections for the year 2010 close up from SRC Front Office (Level 1, Wentworth Building). of Abstraction’ – a style that seems to at 4.30pm Tuesday 24th August 2010. Polling will be held on the 22nd and 23rd of September 2010. have no limits at all. Pre-polling will also take place outside the SRC Nominations must also be lodged online along Offices Level 1 Wentworth Building on Tuesday 21st with your policy statement and Curriculum Vitae of September 2010 from 10 am - 3pm. All students (optional), by close of nominations at www.src.usyd. “Abstraction was never a ‘movement’,” we who are duly enrolled for attendance at lectures are edu.au/elections. For more information, call 9660 5222. are told, never practiced by one group in eligible to vote. Members of the student body who have paid their affiliation fees to Council are eligible one locale at one period. Instead, we see to nominate and be nominated, except National Signed nomination forms and a printed copy of your online nomination must be received no later a succession of painters learn and gain Union of Students national office bearers. Fulltime officebearers of the SRC may also nominate as NUS than 4.30pm on Tuesday 24th August, either in inspiration from those before him or her delegates. the locked box at the SRC Front Office (Level 1 so as to build upon the limits of what was Wentworth), or at the following address: Nominations are called for the following elections/ PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. possible in art and indeed what art was. positions and open 4th August 2010: Ultimately, these artists were re-ordering Nominations which have not been delivered either the way in which they interpreted not just (a) The election of the Representatives to the to the locked box in the SRC front office or to the Some of the exhibition’s greatest joys post office box shown above and submitted online art but the world itself; a radical, colourful 83rd SRC (31 positions) come from its most simple treasures: a (b) The election of the President of the 83rd SRC by the close of nominations will not be accepted vision seemingly at once with and without regardless of when they were posted. series of surreal wood etchings by Gaugin (c) The election of the Editor(s) of Honi Soit for order; a breakaway from the past and a the 83rd SRC that revitalised the print movement; the (d) The election of National Union of Students The Regulations of the SRC relating to elections collaborative attempt to move forward delegates for the 83rd SRC (7 positions) are available on-line at http://www.src.usyd.edu.au/ geometric explosion of enchanting colour PDFS/SRCconstitution 06.pdf or from the SRC Front and begin again. In abstraction, we can in Frantisek Kupka’s Discs of Newton Office (level 1, Wentworth Building). see not simply the roots of modern art (Study for ‘Fugue in two colours’); the almost but indeed modern times too. luminous sheen of a Monet twilight sky. The cumulative effect of being Paths to Abstraction 1867 – 1917 is surrounded by works of such fundamental showing at the Art Gallery of NSW importance and grace is sublime. until 19 September. Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Phone: 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au 11 SOUNDS OM NOM NOM mamak sleigh bells Diana Tjoeng waddled home after eating her weight in Malaysian food. Treats Laurence Rosier Staines begs for more. It’s no accident that the windows of this place an ambience somewhere between goreng (fried chicken)- a dish crispy to restaurant look directly into one of the cosy hole-in-the-wall eatery and chic, new the point of paradise and marinated to The image on the cover of Sleigh Bells’ album two kitchens on the premises. As you wave Asian restaurant. It’s ideal for every perfection. Treats is a group of cheerleaders with their join the queue outside, the chefs in ninja occasion from the birthday lunch, to the faces distorted beyond recognition standing black mesmerize you through the glass first date or the late-night snack (it’s open In terms of curries, the kari ikan triumphantly in front of a blue sky. No other deftly wielding delicate pieces of roti till 2am Friday and Saturday). consisting of a generous serving of fish, image could capture the overall sound of over a stovetop. Originating from India, eggplant and tomatoes in a tangy sauce the album so perfectly, for it is Noise-pop, the dough of this unleavened bread is While the roti at some places can have the is a pleaser, along with the kari kambang exuberant, crashing Noise-pop. And it’s very stretched out longer and thinner than any unfortunate consistency of crepe paper, (lamb curry). But I found the vegetarian divisive. pizza base, requiring skilled fingers that here this bread is tantalisingly moist and curry a bit of a sad affair crammed with won’t tear the bread before it’s cooked. makes for a great top and tail to a meal. chunky pieces of potato and not a lot else. One YouTube user railed, “It sounds like Watching the chefs sprinkle red onion For entrée, you can’t go past the roti Also, steer clear of the stir-fried calamari, a couple of girls at a high school party onto pieces (roti bawang) or molding canai, which arrives like a fluffy golden which can be chewy and lacking in making up lyrics off the top of their heads sweet roti into an impressive pyramid-like orb atop a silver platter accompanied by flavour. as a karaoke-version DMX song blasts [sic] mound (roti tisu) takes your mind off the two curry dipping sauces. Or to give your because their parents’ speakers are on too waiting time. taste buds some sweet relief from the For a seafood option, instead opt for the loud.” spicy onslaught, cap off your meal with sambal tiger prawns or the mee goreng And once you’re seated, you’ll be justly roti kaya, filled with pandan and coconut. noodles. Wash it all down with teh tarik, Although I would also throw an overly rewarded. The success of this restaurant a classic Malaysian tea with a sweet distorted Phil Spector (production-wise, not lies in its ability to serve up Malaysian Now the chicken dishes here are definitely frothing, and you’ll venture out again murder-wise) into the mix, this comment street-style food that’s quick, affordable something to consider. On the downside, into the streets of Chinatown pleasantly is right on the money, and your immediate and consistently tasty. the satay sticks tend to be skimpy on licking the spice off your lips. appreciation or disparagement of Sleigh the meat, but the amount of time spent Bells depends on your reaction to it. For some The simple décor of crimson walls paired on the charcoal is just right. For anyone Mamak is located at 15 Goulburn St, people this is the worst thing they’ve ever with wooden tables and stools gives this who has already kissed healthy arteries Haymarket, Sydney. heard. For others it is a glorious microcosm of goodbye, you MUST dig into the ayam adolescence.

“Tell ‘Em” opens the album with a torrent of overpowering bass, Derek Miller’s wailing STAGE long day's journey into night electric guitar and a skittering drum loop- somehow being both low-fi and the biggest Pristine Ong gets in with the family at Sydney Theatre Company’s newest offering. thing in the world. This dizzying cacophony What is that spark when you connect with character - but he lights up with passion is quickly balanced by the effortless vocals of a play? When the energy between actors when talking about Edmund. Alexis Krauss singing about girls these days, lights up the stage? boys looking away, pink champagne and doing With cast and crew from both sides of the your best. It’s epic. With this music people Some call it chemistry, but Luke Atlantic, the production is a creative could scale mountains in mere steps. Mullins, who co-stars in Sydney Theatre partnership that offers a fresh take on Company’s Long Day’s Journey Into Night, the revered American classic. “While the Somewhere between the cover art, the calls it a click. Americans bring all that history to [the spontaneous simplicity of the songs and play], we bring a clearer, fresher eye that’s the lyrical material, I get an image of an This production of Eugene O’Neill’s not bogged down by it,” says Mullins. idealised high school. This is no more than autobiographical play is a collaboration “Part of the cultural baggage of the play one interpretation of music that’s so simple between STC and Artists Repertory is that it was always played aggressively— it probably shouldn’t be interpreted anyway, Theatre from Portland, Oregon. Under every punch and hit. We were interested but many tracks seem to evoke the energy, Andrew Upton’s direction, Mullins plays in playing a version with more light and purposelessness, detachment, camaraderie, Edmund Tyrone opposite William Hurt hope, where we explored the love of the optimism and trivial rivalry of being in a as his stingy father, Todd Van Voris as family. They don’t just say ‘screw it’ and place full of other boys and girls your own his older brother and Robyn Nevin as his walk out.” age, probably against your will. Anthemic morphine addict mother. and nostalgic in a way that doesn’t make any More and more, Mullins notes, audiences sense, the only element not covered directly It is a portrait of a family of artists are greeting the play with laughter. They were sure the cleaner had missed a spot. is overwhelming lust, but with the pumping gripped by alcoholism, drug addiction “We’ve been surprised by the amount of beautiful because it is about people bass and the “ah-ah” cheerleader vocals still and money. One moment, they are laughter in it when people recognise the coming together,” Mullins says. “I hope definitely present (superficial I know, but there devouring each other in argumentative behaviours of these [characters] and the you get the sense in the end that Edmund we are). combat and the next, they are exchanging things that they harp on about the home does survive and go on to be the artist stories fondly over a drink. and the stinginess and the drinking as that is Eugene O’Neill. He learns the The best actual songs are the maddeningly well”, he says. lesson—don’t sell out. Always follow the catchy “Tell ‘Em”, “Kids”, “Rill Rill” and Click. true artistic path.” “Crown on the Ground”, with some of the “It’s essentially a story about a family others being more like insane rave-ups, or Mullins may have been a stranger to and what they’re dealing with,” he says. Mullins himself has two sisters and laughs guitar and drum work-outs which, although Van Voris when they first started the “It’s relevant to any culture where family when I ask if the love-hate relationship energising, seem underwritten and are less show, but he appreciates the rapport they exists.” between the Tyrone brothers ever made individually rewarding. But they need to be share when exploring the complicated him doubt his siblings. “I think with all there, because that’s how the whole thing relationship of the Tyrone brothers. “I The themes of the play may be universal, families, there’s those things,” he says. hangs together. Rock music shouldn’t have to think what you’re seeing is two artists who but the male characters’ alcoholism bears “Your family are the only people really survive scrutiny anyway. At its best it’s about enjoy the differences and similarities in particular significance for Australian who you can just be furious at them and immediacy. This is commanding stuff – go out each other and enjoy playing with that audiences. “Culturally we accept alcohol hate everything about them one second and get it, it’s like ten dollars or something. on stage,” he says. “It’s just something more than drug addiction,” Mullins says. and then it’s gone the next second.” you can find with another actor when you “It is an incidental theme that resonates click.” strangely in Australia because of our Click. cultural relationship to alcohol.” Mullins was a member of STC’s former Long Day’s Journey into Night is on Actor’s Company. Born in Brisbane and Long Day’s Journey Into Night is a dark play at STC until 1 August. For a chance to trained in Melbourne, the 31-year-old that asks difficult questions, but ends with meet the director and cast, watch it is soft-spoken and looks quite unlike his hope. “Personally, I think it becomes on Wed 28 July. Tickets from $40. Surely they have great personalities. 12 The Mains egree Of Priv D ileg ASydney Uni’s Struggle With Social Equality e? David Mack, Henry Hawthorne and Anusha Rutnam look at the somewhat sen- sitive issue of Sydney Uni’s trend towards private schools, prestige and privilege.

t must have been quite some- USyd’s Mid-Life Crisis to write about, given the three of us the term ‘culture of elitism’ out of thing to behold. William Charles went to private schools. But it’s there. semantics. “Well, first of all, a culture One hundred and sixty years on from Wentworth – one of the three It can’t be ignored. It’s the citywide of elitism is what a university should I its establishment, Sydney University men to open up exploration of the belief that for the moneyed and af- be breeding, [but] having dumb kids is in the middle of an identity crisis. Blue Mountains, a noted conserva- fluent there is a direct pathway from who’ve paid their way in completely If the millions of dollars recently tive politician and the son of two a top private school into a degree at undermines academic elitism.” unmarried convicts born during spent re-branding the university Sydney Uni. weren’t a clue, one need only look to transport to an unknowable prison “There are two very simple rea- the enrolment figures. What began as settlement at the far side of the Amid last year’s blaze of headlines sons that the Tommy Hilfiger set a brave experiment in social inclusion world – rising in his seat to formally covering the St Paul’s college Face- dominate. When I started uni, HECS has over the decades drifted towards introduce a bill in the NSW Legisla- book scandal, one could almost sense worked out at about $1,200 a year, an undeniable trend of privilege and tive Council for the establishment an undercurrent to the public’s very regardless of the course you were private schools. of a new state university, the first of legitimate discussion of sexual assault doing,” Firth says. “And you couldn’t its kind in the Australian colonies. It – the notion that Sydney Uni had just get a lousy mark in the HSC and After the Rudd Government an- was, in fact, a fundamentally radical become a place for the out-of-touch charge the degree to your parents’ nounced in its 2009 Bradley Review idea both in its antipodean zeal and establishment, to the extent that credit card. I may have gone to a pri- the target of increasing the propor- in its rather peculiar new sense of we were somehow fractured from vate school, but it was my mark that tion of students from low socioeco- egalitarianism. Wentworth declared society. If the actions of a few college mattered. All the dumb shits in my nomic status (SES) backgrounds from the measure was intended to enable students were taken as representative year had to go to Macquarie.” “the child of every class to become around a national average of 15 per of the historic grandeur of Paul’s, cent to 20 per cent by 2020, Sydney great and useful in the destinies of then the scandal also reflected more Some things do remain the same University was forced to undertake his country … Its gates should be broadly on the university itself. It’s though, and as Firth freely admits, some serious introspection. Released open to all, whether they are disciples telling that Linda Burney, the NSW “Our entire Honi team was from in March, the University’s 2011-2015 of Moses, of Jesus, of Mahomed, of Minister for Women, made explicit Grammar – the male ones anyway. Green Paper – the strategic discus- Vishnu, or of Buddha.” Entrance reference to “a group of young men Not a great look, but because we sion document outlining visions of for the newly founded University of that are going to become leaders controlled the media, it didn’t matter: the University’s future – directly Sydney was to be determined not within our community … studying at we just stamped out all criticism. As addressed the issue in a section titled by class, or social standing, or family an elite college, an elite university”. I said, everything I say is said with a ‘Identifying Students of Promise’. name, or religion, but by merit alone healthy dose of hypocrisy. I’m one of “[T]he University is not performing – a concept which today seems so The Chaser’s Charles Firth, who the privileged little shits that Syd- as well as many other universities obvious but which then was inher- himself edited Honi in 1995, is as ney Uni students should be fighting with respect to the [Federal Gov- ently extraordinary. familiar as anyone with this cul- against. But I never wore Tommy ernment’s] ‘social inclusion’ objec- tural trend of increasing elitism, and Hilfiger.” “That in some ways was revolu- tive,” the report stated. “Indeed recently complained to The Sydney the University has one of the poor- tionary,” says Dr Julia Horne, the Morning Herald that university life has SRC President Elly Howse, herself est records on this measure in the University Historian. “I don’t really “become the domain of the dumb a graduate from SCEGGS Darlin- country, with around 7 per cent of like using the word ‘revolutionary’ rich kids.” Speaking to Honi, Firth ghurst, also admits her private school our students coming from a low SES with regards to university, but it was said he thought Sydney Uni had background with an earnest honesty. background.” a big change in terms of what was lost its way: “When I went to Uni, “There have been instances where happening in, say, Oxford, Cam- I hated old fogies basically saying, I’ll be sitting in a room talking about In 2008, 65 per cent of new USyd bridge and the Scottish universities ‘Sydney Uni is not what it used to social inclusion or students from dis- undergraduate students emerged where there were still religious tests be’, but when I walk around campus advantaged backgrounds and I’ll feel from Sydney’s relatively affluent … and certainly at Oxford and nowadays, there are a higher propor- a bit weird because I recognise that eastern and northern suburbs, largely Cambridge you had to come from a tion of Tommy Hilfilger-clad people. I’ve been so privileged. I kind of feel from independent and selective particular family, a certain family of And I think that is bad. Sydney Uni like a hypocrite sometimes,” Howse schools. Additionally, only 1.05 per social standing or else have a family is not what it used to be.” says. “Really though, it shouldn’t be a cent identified as Indigenous, com- of social standing be your patrons big deal what school you came from. pared to the NSW population of … [The University of Sydney] was “There were always the St Paul’s We’re all here together now … We all 2.1 per cent, while only 7 per cent certainly founded on meritocratic College, Tommy Hilfiger set, but they want this to be the best place it can of new students came from regional principles.” tended to stick to themselves. Now, be.” areas, as opposed to 24.7 per cent of it seems, they have spread out across the state population. campus, like the Ebola virus in Out- Although she recognises the “dispro- break,” Firth jokes. “The point is that portionate” number of high SES stu- The Rise of the Elites some of the most interesting people dents at Sydney Uni, Howse refuses to I befriended at Uni were people who Really though, the statistics speak either demonise or homogenise them. nowadays would have had no chance only to something larger, something “The kind of students that come to of affording it.” indelibly buried within the univer- Sydney, a lot of the ones that I speak sity’s modern identity. You may have to, do recognise that they come from Despite perhaps showing his age with sensed it around campus, an unspo- quite privileged backgrounds but the Tommy Hilfiger references, Firth ken aspect to the university’s cul- they’re at university to further their believes the rise in the cost of student ture as obvious and symbolic as the education and knowledge so that they living, a lack of financial support and sandstone itself: a sense of elitism, can go back into the community and the ability for students to ‘pay their of privilege. It’s uncomfortable to help people and use that privilege for way into degrees’ has meant the uni- talk about – issues of money always a good cause. You don’t always see versity’s student population has been are. It’s even more uncomfortable the self-interest that I think might be transformed – although he rejects implied when it comes to high SES 13 students,” she says. “I also think that to determine if that was the case – Professor Armstrong maintains that there are a lot of students who don’t because the slack, as it were, had been Sydney Uni has a lot to gain out of think in those terms either, and that’s taken up by other universities in NSW a diverse student populace. “The fine, too. I’m not here to pass judg- quite successfully.” first thing is that it’s not all one-way,” ment.” he says. “It’s not about opening the Despite this ‘slip’, one’s examination doors to a group of students who Howse is also conscious of not ste- score is still the primary determinant don’t traditionally have access to reotyping the desires of those from for entry into the university, arguably the university and saying, ‘Here’s an disadvantaged backgrounds: “There reflecting a continued meritocratic opportunity. Come and join us and are a lot of people who would prefer admissions system. The university’s be like us.’ I actually think it involves come from disadvantaged back- to just go into the workforce or into ‘prestige’ perhaps then results simply a lot more than that. It involves the grounds.” a TAFE or a college. If people don’t from its high entry-level require- institution itself using the experience want to go to uni, why should they? ments and competitiveness. Though, from a diverse range of students to However the university lures them We can’t just say that the only reason in what seems slightly reminiscent actually question itself, question its here, Elly Howse believes the univer- these kids aren’t coming to uni is of the chicken and the egg scenario, own values and purpose and its own sity will need to make some practical because we’re not letting them in. surely one must then question how contribution to Australian society, and changes to student support services to That’s an incredibly patronising at- the entry-level marks became so to learn and to develop as an institu- adequately assist these new students. titude.” competitive to begin with, and why tion. So I think that being a diverse “The student support unit is very USyd is the university of choice for institution in terms of the student over-worked and over-loaded, and if The Past and the most students attending private and background and student experience you are going to increase the intake selective schools. adds value to the institution as a of students from low SES back- Pending whole and adds value to the student grounds then you have to back that So to what extent then has the uni- The Official Line experience.” up by providing them with low-cost versity been faithful to Wentworth’s accommodation, Centrelink advice, original vision in both its historical “The thing about Sydney Uni is that The Game Plan academic support, counselling if they and contemporary practice? “Well, it is a leading institution, not just in require it. You have to be careful that we’re still working towards it es- Australia but in the world, and the de- Professor Armstrong does acknowl- you don’t bring all these students in sentially. It’s a work in progress, sirability to come and study at a place edge that much of the work of and not have adequate – or adequate- very much so,” says Dr Horne. “We like Sydney is great for any student,” increasing the number of low SES ly funded – support structures.” always have periods where we’re less says Derrick Armstrong, the Deputy students in universities begins with successful … [but] it worked very Vice-Chancellor for Education and government reform of the education That said, she believes the university well in the first couple of decades the man overseeing the university’s system and larger funding; until state has demonstrated commitment to its in extending across those religious social inclusion drive. “It is the first high schools are more academically social inclusion objectives. “I have traditions in NSW which were very choice university in NSW by a long competitive with their selective and to say that for a while I was wor- significant between the Catholics way for students, so there is a great independent counterparts much will ried that all this buzz around social and the Protestants. That worked.” demand to come here.” be out of the university’s hands. Still, inclusion was just a selling point, but Indeed, between 1870 and 1950 the the Deputy Vice-Chancellor main- talking to the VC, who is from quite university would make huge strides “I think there’s a long tradition in tains there are things that the univer- a privileged background, I can see in increasing the number of rural many people’s families – their parents sity can do. that he just wants students to have the students and those from modest so- have been here, their grandparents experience and opportunities he had. cial backgrounds, and was one of the and so on – so there’s a lot of affin- Firstly, the university’s Compass Having people like that in leadership first institutions in the British Empire ity with the university as well. It’s not Project has seen the university open is a positive thing and I feel like we’re to admit women. surprising that those people who have its gates to students “from more dis- having a really constructive dialogue.” received a university education go on advantaged backgrounds [who] have no idea what the university looks like” Despite the university’s current There were always the St Paul’s College, Tommy in order to encourage and nurture identity crisis, Professor Armstrong tertiary aspirations from the primary remains enthusiastic about the future. Hilfiger set, but they tended to stick to themselves. school age. “I think it’s a really exciting period for Now, it seems, they have spread out across campus, the university and it’s a real challenge like the Ebola virus in Outbreak Additionally, the university’s ad- for us,” he says. “I do think that we missions system is facing a radical have great students in the university Dr Horne can, however, suggest a to be, if they’re not already, a part of overhaul, and the reliance on ATAR/ and I’m not any sense dissing the stu- time period when the university be- advantaged sections of Australia. So UAI scores is being re-evaluated. Cur- dent body that we have now, but I do gan to let its social inclusion princi- it’s not surprising in one way if the rently, a university working party is think that we need to look at ways in ples slide. “Well, until 1949 we were institution tends to be over represent- assessing additional means by which which we can expand those opportu- the only university in NSW, so in that ed by middle classes and the elites of students might be evaluated in order nities for a broader range of students sense it was a real joint enterprise society,” Professor Armstrong says. to demonstrate academic competi- to participate in the university.” between the State Government and tiveness. This may ultimately involve the university to try and work out “Some of these things aren’t simple the implementation of an ‘ATAR In the end, Sydney Uni’s strive for ways of getting students to be able to change and in talking about the bonus system’ that would see students social equality is something to be to pass an exam and come in from institution as elitist I don’t mean to be from certain identified disadvan- admired and proud of, both histori- all walks of life – almost all walks of altogether critical about that because taged schools receive an additional cally and in the actions of the cur- life, I should say, because Indigenous it’s understandable how universities five points. Perhaps unsurprisingly, rent administration. The underlying groups weren’t really included in develop in those sorts of ways, but I independent schools groups have principles reflect the same colonial that,” she says. “So in some ways the think we need to be really conscious reacted negatively to the proposed egalitarianism with which Wentworth development of more universities in and engaged with a broader group of scheme, which they say might amount first called for the establishment of NSW meant the pressure on Sydney students who can have the potential to a form ‘reverse discrimination.’ the university. Whether the words will to incorporate all those social groups to succeed here and might not even “It is a concern that any students match the deeds is yet to be seen, and, has become much less, and I think think about coming to Sydney. That’s misses out on a university place based as Charles Firth points out, there are that’s possibly part of the explana- part of the problem. They think, purely upon where he or she attended two major factors to the university’s tion as to why from the early 70s un- ‘Well, Sydney is like this and therefore school,” said Michael Carr, the act- identity which still exude pretentious- til perhaps now there may have been I wouldn’t fit into that environment ing executive director of Association ness: “The sandstone – and the fact times when we’ve slipped in that and so I’m not going to even bother of Independent Schools of NSW, to that upstanding citizens, such as me regard – though we’d need to consult applying to go there.’” the Herald. “However, many students and Tony Abbott, went there.” student statistics more thoroughly attending independent schools also 14 The Soapbox www.honisoit.com Decision 2010: Australia SRC election spending cap Stays At Home policies as murky as USU’s

Laurence Rosier Staines believes this federal election is historic – historically In the wake of the USU spending cap fiasco, Naomi Hart revisits last year’s SRC boring. and Honi elections and questions the spending cap practices.

If you thought that after the elections for the USU Board in May you wouldn’t be lecture bashed for the rest of the year, you have another thing coming. In August and September, campus will again become the site of poster, chalking and general electioneering wars, this time as candidates vie for election positions within the Students’ Representative Council (President, SRC Councillors, Honi Soit editors and delegates to the National Union of Students). Time to tighten the cap? Unlike the USU election, the SRC races are structured around tickets. Last That amounts to an excellent case for year, for example, Unity (Labor Right why Honi teams should not be entitled on campus) ran under the collective to spend more by running collateral At this point in the campaign, Gillard leads in terms of symmetry. brand of ‘Spark!’ and organised an SRC tickets. Instead, they should be NUS ticket as well as a handful of forced to stick to the Honi cap. Any This has been borne out by the WOOOO! WOOOO! ANOTHER SRC tickets for various demographics associated SRC tickets whose spending campaign so far: Gillard says she ELECTION WOOOO! Less than (such as ‘Spark! for First Years’) or cap is utilised should have to foot the “believes in a government that rewards three years since the last one, too. And ideological touchstones (such as ‘Spark! bill themselves and promote a platform people who play by the rules” (I wonder featuring the first female candidate – for Inclusion’). Labor Left similarly ran that is tailored to their bid to become where the Coalition stands on that one?), who’s also a Prime Minister, by golly! under the title ACTIVATE!. Councillors, distinct from their Honi Abbott promises to keep interest rates Historic, no? You can just feel the counterparts’ message. anticipation. Yes indeed, Julia Gillard’s lower than Labor (there’s a blast from The more controversial tradition is the past!) and both of them insist they’ll sudden ascent is the most interesting of Honi tickets running satellite SRC But students running for SRC shouldn’t be tough enough on border protection. domestic political coup since the tickets. Last year, one Honi team, Vox, be banned outright from running under Why not bring back the Macarena while Whitlam dismissal, which just proves ran 16 SRC tickets, including ‘Vox for the same banner as Honi tickets. Honi we’re at it? I’ll tell you why not: because how boring Australian politics really is. Debating’, for Law and for Wollongong. tickets provide a critical mass and these candidates cannot dance. Our ticket, ACE, who ended up an infrastructure that often makes it For those of you blissfully living under pipping Vox in the Honi elections by possible for individual students who And all the talk so far has been about a politically impenetrable rock, my the narrowest of margins, ran 14 SRC aren’t affiliated with a political faction to ‘performance’. Is Gillard a good summary of the events is this: tickets. The only other serious Honi run. Without this, they would struggle performer? Yes – much better than Rudd • Rudd loses nerve, walks away from ticket, Hatter, didn’t run any SRC tickets. to acquire the exposure to make a was, many say. But what this actually key election promises (or delays realistic bid. Moreover, concerns that means is that she’s good at evading them interminably). During last year’s election, some heavyweight Honi tickets can obtain questions when she needs to and at • Public listens to him even less than students floated the idea of banning armies of supporters by signing up staying on-message. In other words, she’s before. Honi tickets from running associated their friends and acquaintances to SRC better at convincing smoke-and-mirrors • Miners pour their super profits into SRC tickets. Their argument was that tickets is misplaced. In fact, that sort theatrics. The media acknowledge fighting super profits tax; electorate highly organised tickets, like Vox and of grassroots mobilisation makes SRC this, and yet perpetuate it with their becomes even more apathetic. ACE, gain an insurmountable advantage elections exciting, giving people a more commentary, as if it’s a good thing. What • Labor panics and installs internally over relative outsiders like Hatter by personal stake in the outcome and thus a bleak, horrible future we live in! popular deputy; press uses word recruiting an army of campaigners meaning that the SRC doesn’t have to ‘Spillard’ almost as often as they by signing them up to SRC tickets. resort to offering people food vouchers Ultimately, we got nothin’, folks. Sure, once used ‘Ruddslide’. More importantly, running SRC tickets if they vote, as the Union experimented we could vote for a minor party, but confers a massive benefit in terms of with this year in response to dwindling that’s a hollow protest as it always finds The idea, I suppose, was that by ousting spending cap. On their own, Honi tickets voter turnout. Rudd they would regain credibility with its way back to a major party, and none may spend only $600. SRC tickets, of us really have any faith in the general the disillusioned electorate. However, depending on the number of candidates One residual apprehension is that the competence of the minor parties anyway. while the leader’s credibility may have they contain, may spend up to $500. SRC could be overrun with apathetic There appears to be no way out of this gone up slightly, the party’s credibility Honi tickets can print extra posters, Councillors if those who get elected are relentless, lazy adversarialism. Actually, has decreased, meaning that the overall distribute extra T-shirts, and produce simply the friends of Honi candidates (or there is one way, suggested to me by my credibility remains about the same. extra chalk, using up both their own Honi candidates themselves) whose only friend: make “none of the above” an spending allowances and those of SRC interest was in bolstering the campaign option on the ballot paper. In this, those As Peter Hartcher recently observed, tickets running under the same banner. for the paper. Empirically, only the most who are not apathetic but genuinely care both of the relevant leaders in this So last year, Hatter was confined to as keen of those who run on Honi-related would have a way to express their utter election rose to power on the back of many posters and T-shirts as $600 could SRC tickets end up getting elected. Last disdain with both viable candidates. reform panic, and related panics; Tony buy, while their adversaries, including year, from the 16 Vox tickets (amounting Instead of it being a game of “At least Abbott leads the Liberals because they the team which I was part of, spent to scores of individual candidates), I’m not as bad as the other guy”, the couldn’t handle Malcolm “All Up In My thousands of dollars each without even only four were elected. Six ACE SRC ALP and the Coalition would actually George Foreman” Turnbull, and Gillard approaching their limit. candidates got up. These candidates have to be good and really listen to leads the government because Rudd’s have shown equal commitment to their people in order to swing those “none of mining tax reform was just as unpopular Beyond locking tickets like Hatter out duties as Councillors as their colleagues. as every other reform enacted in this the above” voters (who, I would wager, of viably running, unrestricted spending country (with the only difference being would be much, much more numerous also provides an incentive for Vox that in the past, the reforming parties than anyone suspected). and ACE types to engage in wars of GOT AN OPINION? stuck to their guns). So, given that their attrition where out-spending each other mandate from their respective parties The only problem is what to do if “none is a key strategy. Rather than reaching Submit it to our new is based largely on fear of change, we of the above” won, as it surely would. agreements not to poster over each other section, cannot expect either of them to really Hung parliament? Oligarchy? Anarchy? or simply using a smaller number of ‘The Soapbox’! stand for much. Combining a republic with a monarchy posters more strategically, such tickets by electing a queen? Ah, hell. Lindsay simply use blitzkrieg tactics to saturate [email protected] Tanner for PM. campus more effectively than each other. Mind Your Manas

1519 Belvoir St cops a belting Oliver Burton believes the outcry over changes to Belvoir’s pay system is a tad Mind Your Manas unwarranted and dramatic. Carmen Culina, Honi’s resident spiritual enthusiast, explores the Vipassana meditation technique. Sydney theatre’s new generation of These are valid points and it is a female students (women and men are Artistic Directors have some fairly heartbreaking choice. No one likes to The prospect of voluntarily spending segregated) had developed a problem radical ideas. One of the most insane, see less theatre in spite of (or maybe even a portion of their July break in 10 days with her eyes which had impaired her proposed by incoming AD at the Belvoir because of) its varying quality, except of in silent meditation beginning daily at vision, so I was asked to come on board Street Theatre, Ralph Myers, is that course, the people who actually have a 4:00am tends to confuse and horrify as assistant manager seeing as she was artists should actually be paid at least the good shot of making a living out of it. most of my twenty-something-year- unable to run around too much.” union specified fee for their work. old friends. The Vipassana meditation The unfortunate fact of most artistic centre in Blackheath is one of many Although communication between The Belvoir Street Theatre has two industries is that they contain far scattered around the country and runs participants is forbidden, students are spaces: the Upstairs theatre, which seats more producers than the number of courses every fortnight teaching India’s allowed to speak with instructors to approximately 300, and is programmed consumers can support. Becoming a most ancient techniques of meditation. clarify the technique. “I was one of three by resident company, Company B theatre-maker entails no real barriers Cash-pressed university students will be people that the girls could talk to over and the Downstairs Theatre, which to entry, you’ve just got to go and do it pleased to know that there are no fees to 10 days,” Alex recalls. “Along with the seats approximately 90, and has been – regardless of whether anyone actually take part in a Vipassana course, not even kitchen team I helped make breakfast, the home of B-Sharp, a season of wants to see your work. This dilutes the for the cost of food or accommodation lunch and afternoon tea for 100 co-productions between independent already limited resources available to the as the centres are funded entirely by people, rang the bell at all eating times, theatre-makers and Company B. industry. donations of previous students who coordinated the foreign language sessions Artists who work upstairs are paid, have sat for 10 days or longer. Those for students who could not understand artists who work downstairs are not. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t hoping to freeload on a relaxing holiday English, delivered messages between the The announcement from Myers is make theatre professionally unless they in the leafy Blue Mountains be warned: teachers and other staff, and was on call that everyone will now be paid at can pay everyone involved a reasonable Vipassana is not an escape from the trials at all hours to provide what ever was least in accordance with the Media wage. Actually yes, that is what I’m and tribulations of everyday life. It is a needed to the students from special diet Entertainment and Arts Alliance saying. Perhaps the so called ‘industry technique that requires serious practice meals to sanitary products.” (MEAA) standard. standard’ is too high but until artists and involves 10 days in which you are themselves start insisting that the ‘love of required to refrain from speech (read: no Participants emerge from silence at the More money for artists – terrific, you’re it’ doesn’t pay the rent, they will continue Internet or mobile phones) and engage end of the ninth day and Alex was just as not going to hear much objection from to be exploited. in day-long introspection. surprised the second time around to see the peanut gallery, particularly as Belvoir how close everyone had become through is not demanding the inexorable shortfall The unfortunate fact is that spaces like Although the techniques are based on the experience. “Everyone emerges from from the government. Except that you downstairs Belvoir are not economically the teachings of the Buddha, Vipassana their brooding silence and on the 10th are, and remarkably, you’re hearing it viable. Even extraordinary, eventually is open to members of all or no faiths day I felt this incredible sense of joy from the artists themselves, because the sold-out, shows like the recent Bang and there is no question of conversion with all the participants who by the end result of the funding redistribution is barely break even under the old model. since the technique simply focuses on are non-stop chatting and smiling. Even that the number of independent shows That’s why the new directive is entirely observing the natural breath to relax though you have barely spoken prior to downstairs will be cut from 12 to four. correct, both practically and ethically. the mind. 22-year old Alex Clouston sat this you feel as if you have known each her first Vipassana meditation course in other for years.” At a Q&A in Belvoir’s rehearsal space, With fewer shows downstairs, the December last year and recently came

Myers received a slamming from at least competition for slots will ensure only back from another 10 days where she Course participants are encouraged half the room, which accused him of the finest work gets through. Those was the female assistant manager. “My to keep up the daily practice of the closing the door on independent theatre- productions will be given much longer first course was one of the hardest and Vipassana technique when they return makers. Probably the best argument was runs, increasing the likelihood of their most rewarding things I’ve ever done, home to increase awareness, non- put by one playwright who complained making enough to feed their performers. which is why I signed up to take part delusion, discipline, compassion and that there was now an economic pressure In doing so the Belvoir Street Theatre a second time,” she says. “On arrival I peace. to write plays with small casts. will be making the point that everyone’s was informed that the manager for the labour is worth a living wage. “IT’S A HOLE”: Debunking Canberra Myths Don’t go hatin’ on our ‘berra, say Sarah Fleming and Nadia Daly. international artists. MYTH: Sydney is the capital of in one location: ‘Civic’ (the CBD). From Australia. club to club, bogans and yuppies mingle, MYTH: High-end shopping in FACT: No! That’s Canberra! sip drinks, scrap, tackle, make out and Canberra is a visit to Target (pronounced punch each other to the soundtrack Targét). MYTH: There’s nowhere to go/nothing of bad 90s pop. Look no further than FACT: While this may have been true to do. several of Canberra’s more trashy but in years past, Canberra is now home to FACT: Sure, your Tuesday night fervently beloved hotspots, ICBM and the big names in mainstream fashion as stopover on the way to the snow may Mooseheads. Venues such as Tongue & well as a number of alternative shops have found the nightlife a little lacking. Groove or The Holy Grail offer excellent to satisfy the indie within. Find quirky If you don’t know where to go you may ambience and only ever-so-slightly accessories and vintage steals at Felt and find yourself cruising around empty overpriced cocktails for those seeking a Landspeed in the city. office buildings at 3am and decide there more dignified night out. is little to do. MYTH: Weed is legal. Not pictured: Canberra If your year six excursion remains your FACT: We would try to bust this myth... But Canberra’s large student population, only experience of the capital, it’s time but feel it may be one misconception throngs of rich diplomat kids, army *** for another visit. working in favour of Canberra’s cool- brats and repressed public servants make factor. So there you have it: it’s not all for one party-ready populace. And let’s MYTH: Canberra is, like, so dull roundabouts and faceless suits. Armed not forget the other half of Canberra’s and uncultured compared to Sydney/ MYTH: No good band would bother with your greater knowledge, you fabled population: whores and porn Melbourne/Adelaide. making a stop-off in Canberra. now have the power to challenge the stars. A winning mix in the great FACT: You want culture? We got FACT: Although this year’s Groovin’ the stereotypes, stand up to Canberra- Canberran cocktail. Speaking of, don’t Picasso. The National Gallery’s recent Moo festival helped put Canberra on the bashing and put an end to the inter- forget the cheap booze. Two-dollar shots exhibition, “Masterpieces from Paris”, musical map, it has held its rightful place city bullying. In the great Australian anyone? attracted over 300,000 visitors and there for some time. From the ANU playground Sydney may be the hot has paved the way for Canberra to Bar to Foreshore festival, the likes of rich kid, but Canberra is clever and The menagerie of Canberra’s diverse become a recognised hub of artistic Nirvana, Beastie Boys, Black Eyed Peas understated; there’s more to it than inhabitants is on full show after dark, activity. The city’s Garema Place was and The Presets have all dropped in for a meets the eye. Show it some respect and when one can witness the great rainbow recently transformed into a public art song or two over the years. it’ll show you a good time. cross section of Australia’s social strata space, exhibiting pieces from renowned 16 The Score www.honisoit.com ThAT YOU'RE disdain for the poma-ride, the dunce of your opponent by positioning your pole mechanical lifts, whilst secretly knowing between their legs; finally, for the truly A SNOW-PRO they’re also the most comfortable ride on corrupt queue-jumper, abandon whoever the mountain. you are skiing with, yell ‘Any singles?’, What to Say some trustafarians’, but understands then shuffle on up. It’s much easier to fake being a skier it is breaking into common snowfield What to do by using skiing lingo with reckless parlance as meaning ‘to have a race Jumping the Queue: Queue-jumping What Not To Do abandon than to actually ski in that against others’. (or ‘Q-Jaying’ as you will irritatingly Chairlift small talk: the beginner skier manner. Why ‘ski with your friends’ come to say) at the T-bar line requires is often overzealous in sparking a five- if you can ‘carve up the corduroy The Attitude years of training to achieve what is a minute chairlift friendship, and will force with your powder hounds’? Why say Foster some entrenched opinions that highly nuanced movement. The writer you to feign fascination into such topics ‘snow’ if you can say ‘the white stuff ’, are so without reason that people does not recommend faking this without as obsolete weather-reports, whether they ‘mashed potatoes’ or ‘death cookies’? assume that they have been formed proper preparation. Some pointers, are from Sydney, Newcastle or Cooma, Why court a lady-friend in the crisp from countless years alone in the Snowy however: never make eye contact with and whether you are having fun. The winter’s evening air if you can engage Mountains. It is important to feel the person you are pushing in front of, answers to these questions are invariably in ‘après-ski mid-mountain schnappy- considerable ill will towards children it is much easier to use a method-acting ‘cold’, ‘Sydney’ and ‘affirmative’, so best hour snow-bunny bombing’? The in Milo™-sponsored bibs, to embark approach and pretend they do not to avoid the exercise to begin with and writer is yet to find out the true on a pre-prepared rant about hot exist; practice your sleight-of-ski-pole, put on your full-face balaclava. meaning of ‘geschmozzling with chocolate market inflation, and to convey threatening the future generations of Henry Hawthorne

The Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles… Eagles, Bulldogs, Warriors, Broncos, The 2010 NRL Season thus far Should take flight if they want to make Dragons and Storm. Good luck! the finals. The Eagles need to learn to Kirsten Wade looks at the season thus far and ranks the teams from ace to base. play for the full 80 minutes, because The Canterbury Bulldogs… With the finals rapdily approaching, The Wests Tigers… playing for 60 or 70 just isn’t going to cut Have a better line up on paper than many NRL teams are vying for a top- Have goal-kicking woes. Benji Marshall’s it in the finals. on the field. Even the likes of Brett eight spot and a consequent finals berth. poor strike rate could very well be the Kimmorley, Andrew Ryan and Luke deciding factor of the Tigers’ place on The Brisbane Broncos… Patten hasn’t been enough to put the Competition is intense, with only six the ladder and how far they progress in Are growing up fast. Dubbed the Bulldogs in a better position then they’re points separating teams placed fourth the finals. The team will have to produce Baby Broncos, the inexperience of the in. The Bulldogs are really clutching at to 12th. I’m certainly no ‘Paul the more four pointers to make up for it, but Broncos’ line up was detrimental to their straws to make the finals. Octopus’, but here’s what I think: with the attacking prowess of Marshall form at the beginning of the season. and Farrah this is certainly possible. However, as the season has progressed so The Canberra Raiders The St George Illawarra Dragons… has their form – and their place on the Will need to win practically every game Are red hot. Despite a few minor hiccups The Sydney City Roosters… ladder. to make the top eight. Probably will midseason, the Dragons have close to Have something to prove. With Anasta be overshadowed by the election in a full-strength side in the lead up to the and Aubusson fired up and leading the The Parramatta Eels… Canberra. finals. Prodigal son Mark Gasnier has way, could they be the surprise package Should board the train. The Hayne returned from his stint in pink with team of 2010 that goes all the way? train. The pressure of expectations has The Cronulla Sharks… Stade Francais to once again don the punished last year’s premiers, with the Have a new coach. But even new coach Red-V. With the Minor Premiership in The New Zealand Warriors… team struggling to gel and put together Shane Flanagan won’t be enough to get their sights for a second straight year, can Better start fighting. If they play well in two wins in a row. Time will tell whether them into the finals. the Dragons finally get over the finals the next few weeks, a top-four finish and the Hayne train leaves the station for the speed hump known for hampering their home final is certainly on the cards, but finals or to falters. The North Queensland Cowboys… chances in the past? if they play badly they run the risk of Will be back in 2011 since their 2010 missing the eight altogether. The South Sydney Rabbitohs… season is well and truly over. The Penrith Panthers… Were heralded one of the teams to beat Are on the prowl. The Panthers have The Gold Coast Titans… at the start of the season. Now, a string The Melbourne Storm… been the quiet achievers of the 2010 Better hope the meter maids fill up their of recent losses threatens their chances Will finish last. Simple as that. With little season. Playing precise yet gutsy and energy meters. The Titans are still in of even making the finals. to play for, the Storm have lost much exciting football has paid dividends with contention for the finals but the race to of their gusto and with it their winning the Panthers moving steadily up the the top eight is tight, so they better watch The Newcastle Knights… ability. 2011 is a new season and a new ladder to sit quite comfortably in second out. Have been pretty lacklustre. But, still beginning for the Storm, although they spot. have a chance of making the finals. To are likely to be minus a number of key do so, they will have to overcome the players due to salary cap restraints.

team advances in the historical rankings. Since then, the Alcock Cup has mostly Unofficial Football World Championships rotated amongst the powerhouses of international football, held concurrently Chris Martin imagines a way in which the Socceroos are world champions. Proving that it retains a sense of humour, the UFWC suggests that Scotland is the with the FIFA World Cup trophy by On the way home from Scottish fans pointed out in 2002 that greatest team in football history, simply Brazil, France and Italy. Heading South Africa, Spanish their country had triumphed 3-2 over because it has played 103 matches as into the Final of South Africa 2010, suitcases were filled with the new World Cup winners, England, defending champion in 20 separate title the Netherlands boasted a 22-match all sorts of silverware back in 1967. It followed that Scotland reigns – most of them before the first championship reign, the longest-ever – the FIFA Fair Play must have immediately assumed the FIFA World Cup, held in 1930. England defence of the title in terms of matches Trophy, Iker Casillas’ title of ‘best team in the world’, at least stands second, Brazil sixth, and even played. The last time the Dutch had Golden Glove award for until defeat to the Soviet Union four Angola makes a splash at 26th in the carried the unofficial championship into best goalkeeper, and of weeks later. UFWC historical rankings. a major tournament was in 1974, but course the World Cup for those famous exponents of ‘total itself. But hidden away in Tracing international football results Proudly, Australia’s name lies engraved football’, the Alcock Cup was the only a secret compartment of back to their beginnings, UFWC nerd- in the virtual Alcock Cup, owing to piece of silverware to be had. coach Vicente del Bosque’s fans created a boxing-style method an amusingly brief reign as unofficial luggage might well have been of ranking. Instead of waiting four world champions in June 1992. Not-so- So when Spain’s triumphant XI lifted the CW Alcock Cup, the exciting and years to determine world champions household names like Tony Vidmar and the World Cup for the first time, via glamorous cocaine to those glorified at the World Cup tournament, the Ned Zelic catapulted themselves into a dominant but elongated extra-time replica souvenirs. title would be on the line in any the cult football stratosphere alongside victory, they also regained prime position senior international match involving the likes of Johan Cruyff and Diego in this perpetually active ‘competition’ in The CW Alcock Cup is the imaginary the reigning UFWC champions. If a Maradona with a 1-0 victory against the world football. Their first defence comes trophy of the Unofficial Football World UFWC titleholder fails to defend the USA in Florida. Four days later, it was on 11 August against Mexico. And if the Championships (UFWC), a competition championship, losing at 90 minutes, in Maradona’s men who unceremoniously Spaniards are too ecstatic about their with a fascinating past and an extra time, or on penalties, the Alcock dispossessed the Socceroos of the title, World Cup to pay any notice to the CW extraordinary cult following. Like most Cup passes to the new champions. ending one of the shortest reigns in Alcock Cup, well, we’ll gladly have our good ideas, the UFWC started as a joke. With every successful title defence, a UFWC history. trophy back, mate. SRC Help 17 TOP TIPS FOR UNI Ask Abe Q & A with students who need help and a dog who support you for free – with most found on 1. The Learning Centre 5. Dropping a subject has all the answers. . . Level 5 of the Jane Foss Russell Building. If you are feeling down or stressed there Make the friendly people at the Learning The 31 August is what is called the Send your letters to: is the Counselling Service or ISSU for [email protected] Centre your new best friends. They offer Census date. If you drop a subject before international students and the University bunches of workshops from academic 31 August – because you don’t like it, Health Service. The Financial Assistance writing and proper referencing to you are finding it too hard, you don’t Office offers free interest loans and presentation skills and time management. have the time or health to continue Dear Abe, bursaries, and the Scholarships Office We bet a bar of chocolate that they offer with all these subjects – then this will be It feels terribly odd offering the obvious. The Disability a workshop that is good for you, and recorded as WITHDRAWN not fail. If Service supports students who register asking a dog, but I really need to know encourage you to race online and book you are a local HECS student this also their disability – this can be a physical yourself in. www.usyd.edu.au/lc means you wont pay any fees. If you are how to see a ‘bulk billing’ doctor (I don’t disability – including a temporary one, a an international student come and see really know what this is) in Sydney. learning disability, dyslexia, anxiety etc – SRC HELP for assistance in getting your Given I am so far away I cant see my contact the Disability Services to find out 2. Your Academic money back. how they may be able to help you. Then normal doctor while I am here but I Consultation Hours there is the Accommodation Service that have an ongoing thing that I see her has a database to help you find new digs. You lecturer does not need to be your To make an appointment about. What should I do to make sure I best friend, however, you should know to see a caseworker: can continue to get good treatment? when s/he is available for consultation so 4. Special consideration and A N Onymous that you can go and ask those nigggling arrangements questions you might have. Academics p: 9660 5222 Dear A N Onymous are paid to teach and they often report Special consideration is what you apply e: [email protected] enjoying people going to see them in their for if special circumstances (eg an illness Or come and see us at: It is a really good idea to have a doctor consultation hours – many say students or misfortune that affects you or someone in Sydney when you are living here. rarely come. Keep them company or close to you) disadvantage your study. Level 1 (Basement) Wentworth They can be there to help manage your Make them work harder – whatever way You must apply for Special Consideration Bldg G01 - City Road Entry health and make sure you have access you want to look at it. within 7 days of the exam or deadline. Special arrangements can be made if to the medications you need. This is a 3. Student Services your exam falls on a religious holiday or For more information: much better option than relying on a jury duty for example. If you have more www.src.usyd.edu.au doctor a long way away who you cannot questions come to SRC HELP. Uni is probably the only place where see quickly. I am not sure whether you you have so many services available to are a local or international student, so I will give you all the info I can think of.

Bulk billing effectively means that if you are a local student the cost of the WARNING - consultation is free for you. If you are an international student then the cost of the consultation is covered by your Accomodation Scams health insurance. I can recommend the University Health Services on campus. Students are being targeted by people * ALWAYS get receipts for money you (www.unihealth.usyd.edu.au) Otherwise, pretending to be landlords. Students are pay for your accommodation told to transfer money via Western Union if you want somewhere near your or into bank accounts when students IF YOUR LANDLORD home, look to see – or ask – if they are have not visited the accommodation. The THREATENS TO REPORT YOU TO bulk billed. “landlords” say they are overseas and IMMIGRATION about payment of rent cannot meet. Some students have lost or fines, do not be scared, they usually thousands of dollars. cannot. If you are a local student you may need to get your own Medicare Card. * DO NOT transfer money via Western To report a scam and for advice and legal It is easy, you just take 100 points of Union or into a bank account to a person help please contact [email protected] identification (like a driver’s licence you have not met in person * DO NOT transfer money for and a credit card and your student accommodation you have not visited ID) to a Medicare office (see www. * DO NOT sign contracts for In July and August 2010, SRC medicareaustralia.gov.au/public/ accommodation you have not visited Caseworker is available for drop-in claims/offices.jsp for locations). * DO NOT provide a copy of your sessions to help you with Show Cause Medicare will then send you a card in passport, or unnecessary personal and Exclusion Appeals. Mondays to information such as your date of birth or Fridays, 1pm - 3pm. SRC Office, Level the mail. This does not cost anything. passport details 1 (Basement) Wentworth Building G01. * DO NOT provide your bank account For more information phone 9660 5222. Regardless of where your previous details doctor is you can ask your family doctor to send a copy of your files, or a letter of reference outlining all the information your new doctor needs. Contact SRC HELP When it comes time to leave this Sydney doctor and go back home, you can 02 9660 5222 / 0466 169 664 (satellite) always get you information sent back to www.src.usyd.edu.au your doctor the same way.

[email protected] Level 1, Wentworth Building G01 Abe 18 The SRC Reports President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

Welcome back to another semester at Below that is the Executive, made up of and the general community, the SRC the University of Sydney! If you’re students selected from the Council – it employs caseworkers and a solicitor to just beginning here or you’ve come on deals with the general running of the literally represent you if you get into a exchange, welcome to our uni. You’ll be SRC as an organisation. spot of bother. That could be if you’re impressed by the number of activities accused of plagiarism or cheating, or if you can do outside of study – such as Below the Executive in the hierarchy of you get arrested or fined for something. joining an SRC collective, writing for our things is me, the President. I’m a full- You can also come see these amazing weekly newspaper Honi Soit, running time office-bearer (think 60 hour weeks!), people if you are worried about your for a club or society position in the USU, paid at minimum wage, and I’m your academic progression, want to know playing social sport with your faculty chief representative as an undergraduate. if your tenancy agreement is ok or if through SU Sport, voting in upcoming I sit on nearly every single University you are experiencing harassment or elections, or becoming a department committee as ‘the’ undergraduate rep. discrimination. representative. The list is actually endless. I also talk with University management If there’s anything you take away from regularly about the stuff that’s pissing Part of the ‘representative’ bit is letting my sometimes boring and repetitive you off. Like not being able to connect you know what we’re doing. Honi Soit is reports in Honi each week, it’s GET to wireless anywhere. Like short library the main way to know what’s going on INVOLVED! opening hours on Sundays. Like the fact campus as well as getting an update from that you spend half an hour filling out the SRC about campaigns, main issues Being a Council-run organisation Sometimes though going to uni can be a response to your unit of study but you and big events. If you’d like to receive also means we can move motions to a daunting, frustrating and worrying never get to see what people actually our SRC E-News every month, come support campaigns. Currently students experience. This is why students need write… in to the SRC and sign up as a free or are running campaigns like Vote 4 to support each other and run fantastic supporting member – we’ll happily add Students, climate action, women’s student organisations like the SRC The people who make my day run you to the mailing list. rights (think ‘Abbott’s Heaven, Your and SUPRA. For example, in case you smoothly are these office-bearers: General Hell’), international student concession do get into academic issues, tenancy Secretary, Education Officer, Women’s COUNCIL! cards, equal marriage for the LGBTIQ troubles and legal problems, the SRC is Officer and Vice-President, as well as community, Indigenous rights and anti- always here to help. It’s a student-run the general Executive team. There are The best part about all of this is that you racism…see what you can be involved organisation that supports undergraduate also some fantastic student office-bearers (yes, YOU) can be involved. Anyone who in? students (if you’re a postgraduate student this year in the Queer, Environment, is an undergraduate can run in the SRC reading these pages, check out SUPRA). Disabilities and International Students’ elections – just make sure you sign up as a If you want to be involved in anything or But what does all this really mean? departments. Supporting Member of the SRC first! It’s have suggestions about something, tweet important that people who want to run in me, write to me, email me or call me STUDENTS. . . If you think these positions sound like a elections takes seriously the responsibility – you’ll soon find out that I really love sweet deal, think again! Yes we have fun and significance of being a Council talking to anyone on just about anything. The overarching structure of the SRC and it’s a great experience but we all work member or an office-bearer. This is why is the undergraduate student body. You long hours in the SRC ‘dungeons’ (Level we ask you to become a Supporting Tweet: @srcpresident are all, collectively, the supreme decision 1 of Wentworth) and hardly ever see Member – to show that you support the Write: Level 1 Wentworth Building making body for anything that needs to sunlight. That’s why I’m so pale, didn’t organisation that supports you. Email: [email protected] happen. you know? Ring: 9660 5222 SRC Elections will be in Week 9 of In terms of running the SRC, there is REPRESENTATIVES. . . Semester 2. Any undergraduate student a Council, made up of undergraduate is eligible to vote – you don’t need to be a students just like you from a variety of Apart from representing you and being member of the SRC to vote, but you do disciplines. your voice to the University, governments need to be in order to run for a position.

Get involved! Come along to a collective... Honi Soit Website is Launched Education Action Group: 1pm Tuesdays, Quadrangle S441 Check out your favourite newspaper online. Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. SRC has launched www.honisoit.com ! Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building Environment Collectives: Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns SRC Council Meetings... Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of the month (June 1st, 3rd August, 7th September, 5th October) @ 6pm in Eastern Avenue Seminar Room 405 International Students: Check your email for updates For agenda contact: [email protected] 19 General Secretary's Report Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected]

Welcome back to uni! Hopefully you all Thanks to laws that were passed during You can also get involved with groups had a good break and are ready for what Howards’ reign, it is now too late to on campus – your SRC is made up of promises to be another hectic semester. enrol to vote (enrolment closes at 8pm people working to make sure that the on the day that the writs for the elections student voice is heard by the university The Federal election has been called for are issued), however, it’s never too late to and the government. We have a number Saturday the 21st of August – in 2007 be involved in the democratic process: of collectives who all campaign on young people were an overwhelming if you’re enrolled to vote, make sure different things – the environment part of getting the Rudd Labor you research your local candidates, find collective, women’s collective, queer government elected, and this year we out what they stand for, and make an collective, anti-racism collective, and have the opportunity to make our voices informed decision about where your vote the education collective. All of these heard again. will be going; if you’re not enrolled, you collectives have officers to run them, and can still call/write an email to your local we also have international student and campaigning on this semester! If you’re The youth vote is so often overlooked candidates and tell them what you think indigenous student officers. With Tony interested in getting involved, drop me in the interests of catering to other the important issues are, or you can get Abbott, a sexist climate change sceptic an email and I can point you in the right demographics, especially the “grey involved with a group that’s campaigning who’s “threatened” by homosexuals direction. vote”, to which John Howard pandered on an issue you care about, for example running for PM, I’m sure that these particularly successfully. We are, the AYCC (Australian Youth Climate collectives will all have a lot to be however, a very significant force. Coalition). Education Report Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected]

Federal Election - August 21 Too often elections are won and lost on say, but before that happens we have to students an all of these issues. We have issues such as superannuation, interest The writs have been issued, the electoral say it really, really loudly. had dozens of candidates sign already, rates, and pensions. All of these things rolls have closed, and corflutes are and we can get even more if you go are important, yes, but so are HECS, starting to pop up in shop fronts, lawns, Vote for Students is about sending a online and take the pledge. It’s the only Youth Allowance, rent affordability and dogs, and grandmothers. It’s officially message to all the candidates in these way to make your vote matter. so many other issues that effect students election season. As students, it is elections that we simply will not vote directly today. Why aren’t these issues extremely important not only to vote, for them if they don’t address at least Event Dates: more visible in the campaign? How but also to make our voice heard and get some of issues that affect us as students. Take the ‘Vote for Students’ come they don’t get any airtime on involved in the election process. Funding for our education. Fair and pledge: NOW! TV? Well, because if we don’t vote for reasonable Youth Allowance. Affordable http://www.unistudent.com.au/vote students, then nobody will. Significantly, of the nearly 1.4 million housing close to campus. Support for the eligible Australian who are not enrolled student organsations that represent us. Education Action Group: to vote, around a quarter are between Vote for Students' Be a Hero, Tuesday 27th of July, 1pm (VC’s the ages of 18 and 24. This means that Take the Pledge If you want to see pollies discussing Garden, next to Fisher) things that matter to you, then take the the ‘youth vote’ is much less important In semester two we are starting a new pledge at http://ww.unistudent.com.au/ to politicians than it should be. Why care campaign to make student and youth Federal Election: vote. We will also be going to federal if they piss off a few university students; issues heard in these federal elections. It’s Saturday 21st of August. candidates and getting them to sign they probably aren’t even enrolled to time politicians cared about we have to vote! a pledge saying that they will vote for Women's Report Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan // [email protected]

Since my last Honi report a lot has Tony Abbott, and this whole election, taking them to him. That’s right, be seasoned event organiser and have skills happened. Not least that we have offers us a massive target. We have prepared for some Chaser-style stunts in publicity, media strategy, design, our first female Prime Minister. A many shiny stickers portraying a cartoon as the election draws near. Get involved policy, fundraising or whether you have deliberately barren, unmarried, atheist Abbott locking women into chastity through coming along to the launch or never been involved in organising before female pitted against Tony Abbott. Cue belts and wearing a bishop’s hat in emailing me at womens.officers@src. but want to learn more you should get the National Union of Students leaping parliament. Cartoon Abbott can also be usyd.edu.au. involved. Want more info? Email me at on board the election bandwagon with seeing being concerned by the presence [email protected]. our “Abbott’s Heaven. Your Hell” of a woman at a business table and being Reclaim the Night is an annual nation-wide campaign. surrounded by Stepford Wives. international rally protesting and raising Women’s Collective is on every Thursday awareness around violence against at 1pm in the Holme Women’s Room The prospect of Tony Abbott being our Taking the sticker campaign one step women. The first Reclaim the Night (downstairs to your right when walking Prime Minister is a truly terrifying one further we are holding a launch on the organising collective was held this into the courtyard. Come along and for women in this country. A man whose 2nd August at 5:30pm at The Loft at Monday at 5:30pm. Reclaim the Night get involved in the wonderful feminist record includes trying to block RU486 UTS. Expect hilarious speakers, giant is held on the last Friday of October campaigns that Semester Two holds. and stating that abortion rates are a props and costumes as well as snacks and and takes the form of a night time rally ‘national tragedy’ and comparing that bar tab. followed by a festival and speakers. tragedy to Indigenous life expectancy. Not to mention his description of It doesn’t stop there – we are also The organising collective is open to women’s virginity as a ‘precious gift’ bringing the stickers to life with anyone who is woman identifying and and comments about the housewives of giant Abbott faces, chastity belts, 50s interested in finding out more and Australia and their ironing tasks. housewife clothing and giant irons and getting involved. Whether you’re a 20 Bletchley Park www.honisoit.com

21. Curves bend 13 Down (4) THE 22. Fir-bearer reproduces 7 Down (7) 23. Oh, it is origami, the answer? Confused? (7) HONI SOIT 25. Uncle Sam’s front man ambushes 5 Down (6) 31. Rear end flips 6 Down (3) CROSSWORD 32. Reportedly was in debt to a song (3) 33. 2-down loses emergency room count (3) Across 8. First remake of 35 Across (6) 9. Chance I’m fixed by this professional (8) 10. British isle sounds groundless (4) 11. Knighted for having even boobies! (3) 12. Can’t return this card (3) 16. Only Neo beaten up (3) 17. Must you write ‘Scorer’ in the boxes, with an implement of your choice? (6) 18. Disgusting level (4) 20. Abvtd. (11)

24. Arrange futon without top-notch food (4)

25. Labor schism covers up beetroot soup (6) (3) Tally 33.

26. A time hearer misheard (3) (3) poem Lyrical 32.

28. End back in the garbage (3) (3) Rear-end 31.

29. Sizzle small fish (3) (6) Revise 27.

30. Beats up faces (4) (7) figures Paper 23.

34. Turned to after communist is shamed (8) (7) Cone-bearer 22.

35. Generator recharges 8 Across (6) (4) Curves 21.

19. Regarding (5) Regarding 19.

Down (5) Welcome 15. HENRY “THE GOOD WIZARD” HAWTHORNE and BEN JENKINS

1. Toilet Monarch is having a peek... (7) (7) adage aphorism; Maxim; 14.

20. Shortened (11) Shortened 20.

2. A calculating snake (5) (4) tissue skin Healed 13.

18. Revolting; echelon (4) echelon Revolting; 18.

3. Look, I say! (3) (7) Seedpod 7.

35. Generator (6) Generator 35. 17. One who scores (6) scores who One 17.

4. Little devil takes the top off gimp! (3) (3) XXL 6.

34. Embarrassed (8) Embarrassed 34. 16. Unit (3) Unit 16.

5. Space General ambushed by 25 Down (6) (6) meme

30. Cups (4) Cups 30. 12. Unreturnable serve (3) serve Unreturnable 12.

6. Zaftifg gives 31 Down a workout (3) internet- squid-faced much-ambushed A 5.

29. Sauté (3) Sauté 29. 11. A knight’s postnominal (3) postnominal knight’s A 11.

7. Seedpod grows from 22 Down (7) (3) one Mischievous 4.

28. Can (3) Can 28. 10. Small British isle (4) isle British Small 10.

13. 21 Down heals over into skin (4) (3) pupils Contains 3.

26. Period (3) Period 26. 9. Grease monkey (8) monkey Grease 9.

14. Saying professional doing word (7) (5) Serpent 2.

25. Beetroot soup (6) soup Beetroot 25. 8. The worst of the seven (6) seven the of worst The 8.

15. Hail maims egret (5) (7) Ogling 1.

24. Soybean curd (3) curd Soybean 24. Across 19. Concerning brawl (5) Down SUDOKU THE TAKE HOME* *Questions themed around this week's issue.

1. What was the milestone reached by Facebook in July this year in the number of users it has signed up?

2. How many current African leaders obtained power through a coup d’etat?

3. What was Kim Beazley’s first position in Cabinet?

4. How many High Court judges, ever, have studied at UNSW?

5. How many billions of dollars did South Africa spend on the FIFA World Cup?

6. Where was ice-cream invented?

7. Roughly how many Australian students out of ten receive government support?

8. What team has won the most NRL Premierships? RATED: Soft and mushy 9. How many actors did it take to portray Darth Vader?

10. There is a natural law that prevents two snowflakes being the same (True/ False) KENKEN 11. What is the population of China? 12. Which of the Star Wars episodes won the most Oscars? KENKEN 13. What was the total prize money offered in the 2010 FIFA World Cup?

14. In what language does Vipassana mean insight? KENKEN

15. In what decade did fake snow start to be used on a commercial scale?

New Hope’ (1977) won six Oscars. 13. $420 million 14. Pali t15. 1970’s t15. Pali 14. million $420 13. Oscars. six won (1977) Hope’ New

Brisbane Broncos (1998, 2000, 2006) 9. David Prowse (body), James Earl Jones (voice) et Sebastian Shaw (face) 10. False 11. 1,324,655,000 12. Episode IV - A A - IV Episode 12. 1,324,655,000 11. False 10. (face) Shaw Sebastian et (voice) Jones Earl James (body), Prowse David 9. 2006) 2000, (1998, Broncos Brisbane

1. 500 million 2. Ten 3. Minister for Aviation in Bob Hawke’s 1983 Cabinet 4. Zero 5. $5.6 billion dollars 6. China 7. Nearly 4 out of 10 (38.7%) 8. 8. (38.7%) 10 of out 4 Nearly 7. China 6. dollars billion $5.6 5. Zero 4. Cabinet 1983 Hawke’s Bob in Aviation for Minister 3. Ten 2. million 500 1. ANSWERS: Weight: 8 Parsecs Delivering the Empire’s News For 125 Parsecs COST: 12 Parsecs 10 Reasons to Stormtrooper not disapPoint free Leia of the month lord vader. It’s Gary. Sorry Why The Empire will not be doing this. Tim. They are all variations on Force Choking DEATH STAR, EXHAUST PORT, COMPLETED Holland Padme Chief Empire Correspondent display of fireworks all around the The Empire held a ceremonial ribbon planet of Alderaan. cutting today to celebrate the opening of the a new exhaust port at the end Critics of the space station have of trench 348 – an act which signals pointed out that the chosen name for the completion of the Empire’s new the space station, the ‘Death Star’, space station, the ‘Death Star’. doesn’t exactly reflect the principles the Empire. The exhaust port, which is three metres wide (about the size of a “The fact of the matter is it simply isn’t womp rat), will be used for the cooling a star,” said Admiral Walsh.““Death of the control deck. Station’ would be a much more appropriate title. We’d even accept “Some had said the one weakness ‘Death Not-A-Moon.’” These critics of the Death Star was that it was were killed pretty much immediately. sometimes a little bit stuffy on the bridge,” said Grand Moff Tarkin. “The Nevertheless, the completion of construction of this exhaust port has the exhaust port was considered made this space station once and for an essential upgrade to the space all totally indestructible.” station. Death Star...Practically Invincible The completion of this ‘Death Star’ “If we went into battle without an may survey the surrounding area is considered a major boon for the exhaust port leading directly to the whenever he wishes, and at Lord chance that a rogue squadron were destructive force of the Empire. most explosive part of the ship we Vader’s request we have constructed to attack it for some reason they would have been laughed off the a giant mechanical egg which he would certainly be destroyed.” “No longer will we have to tediously battlefield,” said Eric Hansen, one of apparently sleeps in.” crush every small rebel uprising with the architects behind the upgrade. Anyone wishing to see the plans of our armada of star destroyers. This “Have you ever been laughed off of “Of course, we will not be leaving our the newly constructed space station saves us literally minutes of time,” space? It’s really humiliating.” said Tarkin. brand new exhaust port unprotected,” are advised to find the droids we are the Emperor added, “In fact, we have looking for. “Of course, there have been some lined the 1,000 km long trench on A demonstration of the space station luxury upgrades,” said Hansen. which the exhaust port was installed Many Bothans died to bring you this is scheduled for Thursday, with the “Our mighty emperor’s throne room with thousands upon thousands story. Emperor promising an impressive has finally been completed, so he of turrets, to ensure that on the off Family of four killed after colliding with inside floating paragraphs 10 TIPS FOR BREAKING IN Xin Durrun YOUR WOOKIE SLAVE. Traffic and Literary Reporter EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW A family of four from Naboo were the family was travelling WITH A SARLAC tragically killed yesterday after their meant they didn’t stand “I’m a hole with teeth!” vehicle collided with a series of a chance of seeing it. It floating paragraphs. would have appeared as a sliver when viewed side HOW MUCH HAND The paragraphs, which police say on. Quite silly, really.” LIGHTNING IS TOO MUCH extended over an entire parsec, were HAND LIGHTNING? It is currently unclear who floating randomly through space Containing the paragraphs proved difficult for The Emperor demonstrates when the family collided with one of wrote the text in question, and who the Imperial Military Police. the fullstops. released it into the universe on a on our interns. random trajectory. The paragraphs reportedly had no “It seems that you can only see the comment to make to police, except THE EMPIRE: VULNERABLE text when you hover above it on “This is recklessness of the first to helpfully recount the state of the BEHEMOTH OR quite a specific angle,” said Malgar order,” Hindarey said. “Some author Empire up until this moment. IMPREGNABLE BASTION? Hind’arey, from the Perlemian Traffic out there has blood on his hands.” (Impregnable Bastion) Control centre. “The angle which “Han Shot First”: Man sought over Cantina muder Adi Muran “My friend didn’t like [Mr. Solo],” cent days of violent Crime Reporter and Cantina said Dak Shelkmore, a patron Rumours of Jedi activity in the criminal activity in Jazz Afficiando of the Cantina, “I didn’t like him area were dismissed with a Mos Eisely, with the either.” wave of the hand by one of the sand people being A local smuggler is wanted for local patrons. “There are no Jedi blamed for an assault murder after an unprovoked According to an eye wit- here,” said Mr. Kenobi. “There on a young moisture attack in a Mos Eisley Cantina ness, “RAAAAAAAAARGH are no Jedi there.” farmer. yesterday. KHHGGRRR[Solo]GHHH GRRHH[AAAHHH].” (Needless The smuggler is believed to Private Nelson be- Stormtroopers at the Mos Eisley to say, these views do not reflect have blasted his way out of lieves the attacks may space port Tattooine were called those of The Empire.) the space port past hordes be a part of a greater Horrified Witnesses to a disturbance after a man’s of Stormtroopers, who will be crime wave from the group, “The body was found in a booth at Stormtrooper reports have executed for their failure. sand people frighten easily, but lian Engineering Corporation the back of the diner with blaster confirmed that it was definitely they’ll be back, and in greater YT-1300 stock light freighter wounds to his chest. the smuggler who was the first to Lord Vader rightly commented numbers.” with registration MFLCN1, and discharge his weapon. that the soldiers deserved no is believed to be armed and A warrant has been transmitted sympathy, saying, “Your shot “But we’ll be ready,” said the extremely dangerous. for the arrest of a Mr Han Solo, a “There was some contradic- should be on target – first time, Stormtrooper. smuggler believed to be working tory video footage,” said Private every time – that’s what being a Anyone encountering the smug- with the Hutts, a criminal group Nelson, “but it was obvious that Stormtrooper means.” The wanted smuggler Solo is gler is urged to immediately rampant in the outer systems. footage had been doctored. It said to be travelling in a Corel- freeze him in Carbonite. just didn’t make sense.” This is the third case in re-

Palace Barge care of that screech- place in this paper to list the names CLASSiFiEDS ing thing that looks a bit like a cat of people who have been struck Parenting Column∞ crossed with something from the down, but not died, just become labyrinth. more powerful than you can pos- Tips From sibly imagine. That being said, there FOR SALE: Speeder. 1100 Credits. An’lyn Sol of Coruscant has ARE you the droids I’m looking isn’t really any evidence of this yet. Lord vader You could almost buy your own ship for? Seeking fun times, laughs, and another amusing anecdote I mean, he has appeared as a kind So you’ve brought your children for that. whatever else it is that droids enjoy. of semi-corporeal ghost, which, to stay on the Death Star. This is on the Wookie shop-keeper In no way a trick. Contact Grand while certainly spooky, remains an excellent choice, given not only discussion. “I for one don’t LOST Death Star plans. If found, Moff T. to be seen as any more powerful our superior security systems to think Rwaaaaa and Rh- please note that what might look like then when he was alive and could keep them safe, but also our many waaaaa should be in seper- a structural weakness is actually a MY darling child Ana. I’m sorry at least lift things up. But I digress. crèches, which I am assured make coffee stain. Contact M. Tarkin ate sections, but try arguing that Daddy can’t be there for your How many credits by the word? learning fun. In the shadow of the first birthday. I’ll be home in three that with on the corner of That is outrageous. I suppose I’ll rebellion, these are difficult times to MOISTURE FARM Walking dis- months, working here on the Death wrap it up then. R.I.P Ben, you’ll raise a child, so I have put together Palm and Palpatine!” tance from Tashi Station, some fire Star as a janitor. I don’t neccessarily be dearly missed, if you are indeed a list as comprehensive as it is damage, farm still in working order. agree with the aims of the Empire, gone. Stay out of my damn orchard. numbered to help you raise a future Jerome Tusk writes, “Does Two droids shy of full compliment. but I’m happy to make this conces- Brigadeer General, Gunning Man or anyone know the origin of Some (2) corpses. V. Cheap sion so that you and your mother BIGGS DARKLIGHTER Where to Garbage Monster Wrangler. the word ‘Turbo-lazer’?” can have the life I never had. I will begin with such a complex man? WORK WANTED Need jaunty jazz see you all very soon. We can’t help you there The bounds of this column cannot 1 . Abandon your children within music from the future? No? Well, All my love, Gareth. contain your depth and personality. minutes of birth. Rejection is a les- Jerome, they’re all pretty if you change your mind, we’ll play son best-learnt young. fast to us! any event - you can find us at the PORKINS Maybe if you weren’t 2 . Read books regarding parenting, Mos Eisley space port. such a fat fuck you could have then stoically throw them into the Kat Biggins of Oravax 4 OBITUARIES pulled up. You are an embarrass- vacuum of space. You are your own ment to the otherwise high standard want’s to know why no one parent. speaks “Uncommon”. Get TO RENT of physical fitness in the rebellion. GREEDO. Murdered in cold blood We can only assume you’re in fucked, Kat. 3 . Discipline your children. Lightsa- while his daughter watched on space-hell. bers, E-11 blaster rifles or an open A CAVE. Just a cave on an aster- from the car. He is remembered hand across the backside are all ac- Biol Yurax of Dantooine oid. Very deep, occasional earth for his trusting nature, his hatred of ceptable forms of punishment. This thinks the Rebels might tremors, swarms of gundarks may firearms and his inability to speak will teach them to be strong. chew power cables from time to WANTED TO BUY have a point. Come in to Common – all traits which have time. Blasters should fix this prob- 4 . Amputate one of your children’s our offices to collect your all been identified as factors in lem. Contact Mr. P. Exogarth, or you his death. No flowers please, just limbs, be it during a fight to the prize! could just drop in for a chat. (I’ll be donations to the Greedo Foundation death, refusing to join the dark side, or just for funsies!!! the cave on the asteroid.) Did just For Children. “I imagine a galaxy DEATH STAR plans. If you know “I hear they steal babies and say ‘be’? I mean ‘be in’. [Dolores, without blasters” – Greedo. anybody who has them. Let me 5 . Disregard your children’s birth- fuck space gypsies,” says please remove the last sentence. know, I would be interested in a days. Their crying can be drowned Col Untal in response to the Also could you please get me that KAREN KA’AN of Alderaan. Also ‘chat’. Contact Grand Moff ‘John’ out with the sounds of breaking $25 for Jenny’s present whenever’s “Why are the Jedi so evil?” everyone else on Alderaan. But Tarkin. [Dolores. Please make sure Ewok bones. The sounds of crying convenient] mainly Karen. What a fox. you don’t put inverted commas debate (Column Infinity, last Ewoks can be remedied in a simillar around ‘John’, or ‘chat’ for that way. week). BEACH front property on Alderaan. STORMTROOPER Gary Marshall. matter. How were you getting to Beautiful sitting room with antique – A truly unique soul. Tragically killed Jenny’s? If you’re driving, I’d be in Follow these instructions to the Ray of Tatooine has also oh wait, what’s that light in the sky, in crossfire with Jedi infidels. Gary on that.] letter and you’ll find yourself sur- had enough of those T-16 I’ll just – leaves behind two wives and 11 rounded by a loving and produc- Pilots. “They killed a whole children. Your individuality and dis- Looking to sell your holocron? After that tive family. And I should know - I BASE on 4th planet of the Hoth tinctive personality will be missed. special someone to space-fuck? Adver- family of ‘womp rats’ accidentally killed my wife in a blind system. Great opportunity for some tise in The Starta and the Empire wont rage! Oh. [Dolores, please remove [midget drifters] last week. kind of rebellious hub or some such. BEN KENOBI – Well, not so much burn down your planet. Can anyone say the last sentence. See you at Poor little things could One thing though. Should you build dead, just more powerful than you Alderaan?* Jenny’s farewell.] barely shield their young shield generators anywhere near can possibly imagine. There is no as those fly-boys all but the property, I will notify the Imperial Navy. You have been warned, Dak. napalmed their community on the outskirts of Tashi THREE bedroom apartment on MAKE FRIENDS! Station.” Horrific. Tatooine. A great place to raise two sons while the two suns rise. Cash in your pocket! A MESSAGE FRoM THE My wife told me that wasn’t funny, EDitoR but what does she know? She was *You know, we at The Starta have had a lot of killed by Sandpeople. Seven of us WEAR A HELMET! fun today at the expense of those who died went out, three came back. on Alderaan. And why not? It’s not every day that the awesome power of a fully opera- Shoot blindly down a tional battle station is realised in the destruc- tion of an entire planet. However - there is a personals more serious side to consider. You may not corrior! be aware but one of our interns had some property on the planet, which has obviously, WEIRD screeching thing that along with an entire race of people, been looks a bit like a cat crossed with become a vaporised. We’re sorry about your holiday something from the labyrinth. Seeks house, Jenny, and on a personal note, I’ll be attractive woman to dance about at- late to your thing. tached to a chain. Contact Jabba’s stormtrooper! Please Stop As Baron Administrator, it is my duty to attend to the needs No, I’m not Asking Me of my citizens, including liaising with both the Galactic going to Empire and the Exex, who, Where The despite my clear mandate, do not consider themselves say it. Poo Goes In subordinate to my authority. Cloud City So it should come as no real surprise to you that between these duties, I simply haven’t Admiral Ackbar Lando Calrissian found the time to discover exactly where the poo goes. Alright, everyone, enough is Navy at the battle of Kessel, Hello and welcome to my where the poo goes. enough. brought the Empire to its humble abode! You must be I’m sorry if this aspect of a knees and helped bring in a tired after your long journey. I ask this for a number of city, which has a diameter of I’ve been patient all night. new age of democracy and Please sit down and rest reasons. over 17 kilometers and floats freedom after the fall of the before I take you on a tour of effortlessly above the clouds, When Rob and Julie invited Death Star. But what am I the complex. Firstly, and probably most is in any way disappointing. me to their dinner party I famous for? Well, I have no obviously, where the poo goes thought it would be different doubt you all know. And what a tour it will be! With in Cloud City is neither polite Please allow me to preempt to the rest of them, but no, 3 luxury hotels, 10 gourmet conversation nor any of your your next query. I can say with here we find ourselves at the What is possibly most restaurants and 2 casinos, I business. a certain level of confidence same old place. insulting is how bald-faced have no doubt that you will that there is not some kind of you all were about it. have yourselves an enjoyable Would you like it if I were poo room within Cloud City. Let me make one thing stay. to ask where the poo went, I know this because I have perfectly clear. I’m not Usually the host will try to when I arrived in your home asked. saying it. ply me with drinks, then Before we commence I would town or city? ask me gently what kind of like to take this moment to Yes, the woman with the You know perfectly well apparatus I use to catch answer any questions that Of course you wouldn’t. enchanting eyes, you have a what I mean, Geoff, so get mice, space bears, or some you might have. question? it through your head that I’m such. But not you lot. The Now, I’ll grant you that your not going to say it, least of all moment I walked through the I do, however, have one home city is probably not Thank you for your interest, record it for your answering door it was, ‘What rhymes caveat. suspended 60,000 km above but I feel that that particular machine which I notice you with wrap?’. the core of a gas planet, nor suggestion is as groundless brought with you. Please feel free to ask me does it house a self-contained as the city upon which we No, Cynthia, I will not sit questions about this floating eco-system, consisting of just float, not to mention offensive Thank you, Frank, but I down! settlement, which houses under 400 levels – but the to the chefs. could not currently care less just under 6 million Bespins. point still stands that it would about the tabouli caught in To be truthful, this doesn’t You could enquire about be rude of me to enquire as to Now before I take your next my whiskers. even feel like a dinner party our complex system of where the poo goes. question, Madame, please – it’s an ambush, it’s a snare, governance or our broad and bear in mind the treatise I’ve The fact is, I’m tired of it all. a lure and deception – and diverse culture. No doubt And so I don’t. just delivered regarding the I’ve got so much more to why are you all suddenly you’ll be curious about our where the poo goes in Cloud give than those three words. starting to listen so intently strained relationship with the Secondly, if we’re being City. just now?! Galactic Empire. All of these perfectly candid with one I have worthy stories to tell: things I am happy to discuss. another, I’m not entirely sure Your question? I have repelled the Imperial Good night and enjoy your where the poo goes in Cloud calamari rings. But please stop asking me City.

metres wide! And you look Look, it’s me in the eye and tell me you’ve seen an exhaust “Help Me Obi-Wan probably a the size of a of a womp rat before. Aside from this, Kenobi. You’re my what would be the point moon. of a space station the size only hope.” of a small-moon? Are we suggesting the Imperials - Dolores have become so obsessed with terror that they intend to blow up whole planets? Luke Skywalker Not even the whole Impe- rial Navy could wipe out Two things you can al- way I see it, there are two an entire planet, and I ways be certain of: one, things that look like moons doubt a small-moon sized no space station is the in our galaxy, one of them space station would be size of a moon; and two, is a moon and the other is any different. if it looks like a moon, it’s a picture of a moon. And Dolores. We told you to stop probably a moon. no matter how many times Now, some people are sending this transmission. Re- I bring this up with people, going to say that my senti- Now a lot of people are there’s always one in four ments can be read as port to the prison deck. - Ed. going to be critical of this, who will spout out some pro-Imperial and may put namely the Bothans, but nonsense like, “That’s no potential rebellious space the way I see it, if your moon.” A good friend of craft into harm’s way, but primary export is spies mine once said, “No space this couldn’t be further then you can take your station is that size,” and from the truth. I hate the THE EMPIRE WISHES TO ANNOUNCE THE FOL- doomsayer attitude and I’m of the opinion that he Imperials as much as LOWING JOURNALISTS HAVE BEEN SUMMAR- shove it. makes a valid point. anyone. All I’m saying is ILY EXECUTED: that if you’re out there, in Hypothetical: you’re in Let’s face it, something of the cold vacuum of space, CARLO RITCHIE, BEN JENKINS, JAMES COLLEY, deep space, maybe in an that magnitude would pro- and you see something SIMON KRAEGEN, HENRY HAWTHORNE, DAVID asteroid field where there duce thousands of tonnes that looks like a moon, you MACK, MONICA CONNORS should be a planet. You of thermal exhaust waste should probably check it see something that looks alone; you’d need an out. After all, it’s probably like a moon. Now, the exhaust port at least two just a moon. Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

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