The Process of Garrard Conley in Achieving Self-Acceptance After Going Through Stigmatization and Discrimination As Homosexual

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THE PROCESS OF GARRARD CONLEY IN ACHIEVING SELF-ACCEPTANCE AFTER GOING THROUGH STIGMATIZATION AND DISCRIMINATION AS HOMOSEXUAL IN BOY ERASED: A MEMOIR OF IDENTITY, FAITH, AND FAMILY

AN UNDERGRADUATE THESIS

Presented as Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for the Degree of Sarjana Sastra in English Letter

By EMYLIA ASTUTI Student Number: 174214007

DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH LETTERS FACULTY OF LETTERS UNIVERSITAS SANATA DHARMA YOGYAKARTA 2021 PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI

THE PROCESS OF GARRARD CONLEY IN ACHIEVING SELF-ACCEPTANCE AFTER GOING THROUGH STIGMATIZATION AND DISCRIMINATION AS HOMOSEXUAL IN BOY ERASED: A MEMOIR OF IDENTITY, FAITH, AND FAMILY

AN UNDERGRADUATE THESIS

Presented as Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for the Degree of Sarjana Sastra in English Letter

By EMYLIA ASTUTI Student Number: 174214007

DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH LETTERS FACULTY OF LETTERS UNIVERSITAS SANATA DHARMA YOGYAKARTA 2021

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Life is a forever journey

keep going, you know you got this.

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I dedicated this thesis to the heroes of my life, my parents. My grandmother, my little brother, and myself.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to express my gratitude to Allah SWT for giving me endless blessings and guidance so that I could finish my undergraduate thesis. I thank Him for always making me feel at ease and giving me the strength to face the world.

My deepest gratitude to my thesis advisor Elisabeth Oseanita Pukan, S.S.,

M.A, who patiently help me to finish my undergraduate thesis, also her advice and support were given to me. I also thank my co-advisor, Ni Luh Putu Rosiandani,

S.S., M. Hum., for the correction and suggestion. I would like to thank my academic supervisor, Anna Fitriati, S.Pd., M.Hum., for the four years studying at the English

Letter Department of Sanata Dharma University.

Moreover, I would like to thank my parents for their endless support and the chance they have given me to spend their money on my education. I also want to thank Dimas for keeping me sane with his craziness that tests my patience; thank you for constantly reminding me that I need to complete my degree.

I want to thank my 2013 vibes, Dhika, Nandita, and Lisna, as my safest place who always listen to my tiredness and keep me company. My endless love for Cindy, Asti, Bitha, Irene, and Kintan, who help me through thick and thin college life since the beginning, giving my journal some rainbows and storms. Also,

I would like to thank Zulkia Squad and others I cannot mention one by one; thank you for always being good and supportive, may the universe always be with you.

Emylia Astuti

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LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS

LIA : Love in Action LGBTQ+ : Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer MI : Moral Inventory FI : False Image PTSD : Post Trauma S Disorder BP II : Bipolar type II

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

TITLE PAGE ...... ii APPROVAL PAGE ...... iii ACCEPTANCE PAGE ...... iv STATEMENT OF ORIGINALITY ...... v LEMBAR PERNYATAAN PERSETUJUAN PUBLIKASI KARYA ...... vi MOTTO PAGE ...... vii DEDICATION PAGE ...... viii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ...... ix LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS ...... x TABLE OF CONTENTS ...... xi ABSTRACT ...... xiii ABSTRAK ...... xiv

CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION ...... 1 A. Background of the Study ...... 1 B. Problem Formulation ...... 5 C. Objectives of the Study ...... 6 D. Definition of Terms ...... 6

CHAPTER II: REVIEW OF LITERATURE ...... 7 A. Review of Related Studies ...... 7 B. Review of Related Theories ...... 14 1. Theory of Characterization ...... 14 2. The Stigma of Sexuality Theory ...... 17 3. Theory of Violence and Discrimination Against Queer People ...... 19 4. Self-Acceptance Theory ...... 25 C. Theoretical Framework ...... 33

CHAPTER III: METHODOLOGY ...... 34 A. The Object of the Study ...... 34 B. The Approach of the Study ...... 37 C. Method of the Study ...... 37

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CHAPTER IV: ANALYSIS ...... 40 A. The Description of Garrard Conley...... 40 B. Garrard Conley’s Experience of Stigmatization and Discrimination ...... 58 C. The Process of Garrard Conley in Achieving Self-Acceptance ...... 70

CHAPTER V: CONCLUSION ...... 85

REFERENCES ...... 90

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ABSTRACT

ASTUTI, EMYLIA. (2021). The Process of Garrard Conley in Achieving Self- Acceptance after Going Through Stigmatization and Discrimination as Homosexual in Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family. Yogyakarta: Department of English Letters, Faculty of Letters, Universitas Sanata Dharma.

Memoir is a non-fiction literary work discussing someone’s pivotal moment or their life turning point in a specific period of time. Boy Erased is one of the examples of a memoir novel. This book was written by Garrard Conley, discussing his process in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual after experience being stigmatized and discriminated.

There are three research questions in this study. The first question is the description of Garrard Conley in Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family. The second question is the stigmatization and discrimination faced by Garrard Conley as a homosexual that prevents him in achieving self-acceptance. The third question is the process of Garrard Conley in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual and the positive impact on his characteristic.

In order to analyze the formulation of the problems above, the researcher uses the library method. This researcher uses a memoir novel written by Garrard Conley Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family and other sources from book theories, journals, and articles. Moreover, the researcher uses psychological approach to analyze Garrard Conley's process in achieving self- acceptance as a homosexual. To achieve the study’s research objective, the researcher uses the theory of self-acceptance by Carl Rogers, the stigma of sexuality theory by Gregory M. Herek et al., and the theory of violence against queer people by Doug Meyer.

The first result of the study is the description of Garrard Conley from the beginning and the end of the memoir, which are introverted, obedient, envious, self- blaming, and suicidal into an expressive and outspoken person, self-forgiving, and self-satisfied person. Next, Garrard Conley’s stigmatization and discrimination are sexual stigmatization, family rejection, sexual assault, and social exclusion, resulting in a negative impact on his characteristics and preventing his self- acceptance process. The third result of the study is Garrard Conley’s self- acceptance process started with accepting his past mistakes, being in tune with one’s behaviour, and renewed to reality until the peak of Garrard Conley’s self- acceptance that results in a positive impact on his characteristic.

Keywords: memoir, self-acceptance, homosexual, stigmatization, discrimination.

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ABSTRAK

Memoar adalah sebuah karya sastra non-fiksi yang membahas moment penting dalam perjalanan hidup seseorang atau dikatakan sebagai titik balik pada periode waktu yang spesifik. Boy Erased merupakan contoh sebuah novel autobiografi atau memoir, buku ini ditulis oleh Garrard Conley yang menceritakan proses penerimaan dirinya sebagai seorang homoseksual yang juga mengalami stigmatisasi dan diskriminasi.

Terdapat tiga pertanyaan dalam penelitian ini. Pertanyaan pertama adalah deskripsi karakteristik Garrard Conley dalam Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family. Pertanyaan kedua adalah stigmatisasi dan diskriminasi yang menghambat proses penerimaan diri Garrard Conley dan juga dampak pada karakternya. Pertanyaan ketiga adalah proses penerimaan diri Garrard Conley sebagai homoseksual dan dampak baik dari proses penerimaan diri tersebut pada karakter Garrard Conley.

Dalam menganalisis rumusan masalah seperti yang disebutkan di atas, peneliti menggunakan metode kepustakaan. Terdapat dua sumber dalam penelitian ini, sumber yang pertama adalah novel memoar dengan judul Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family karya Garrard Conley dan yang kedua adalah buku teori, journal, dan juga artikel. Kemudian, peneliti menggunakan pendekatan psikologi untuk menganalisis proses penerimaan diri Garrard Conley sebagai homoseksual. Untuk mencapai tujuan penelitian, peneliti menggunakan teori penerimaan diri Carl Rogers, teori stigmatiasi seksualitas Gregory M. Herek et al,. dan juga teori diskriminasi yang dihadapi oleh homoseksual dari Doug Meyer.

Hasil pertama dari penelitian ini adalah, deskripsi karakteristik Garrard Conley pada awal memoar yaitu seorang yang tertutup, patuh, iri hati, menyalahkan diri sendiri, dan pemikiran untuk bunuh diri, kemudian pada akhir memoar dideskripsikan sebagai seorang yang ekspresif dan terus terang, memaafkan diri sendiri, dan merasa puas. Kedua, stigmatisasi dan diskriminasi yang dialami Garrard Conley sebagai homoseksual yaitu mengalami seksual stigmatisasi, penolakan dari keluarga, pelecehan seksual, dan juga pengucilan lingkungan yang berdampak buruk pada pembentukan karakternya yang menghamat proses penerimaan dirinya. Ketiga, proses penerimaan diri Garrard Conley dimulai dengan penerimaan masa lalunya, mampu menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungan, keterbukaan sikap, dan pembaruan pada realita sampai puncak penerimaan diri Garrard Conley yang menghasilkan dampak positif pada karakteristiknya.

Keywords: memoir, self-acceptance, homosexual, stigmatization, discrimination.

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CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION

A. Background of the Study

Klarer (2004) stated that literature and written work had become part that always sticks to one another. Literature becomes a medium to create its world as a product of unlimited imagination and to express feeling. Nevertheless, there are boundaries between literary works and common writing,

Literature is referred to as the entirety of written expression. The restriction that not every written document can be categorized as literature in the more exact sense of the word. The definitions, therefore, usually include additional adjectives such as “aesthetic” or “artistic” to distinguish literary works from texts of everyday use such as telephone books, newspapers, legal documents, and scholarly writings (Klarer, 2004, p. 1).

Non-literature is categorized as a form of everyday use such as newspapers, legal documents, and scholarly writings. In contrast, literary works are classified as a form of aesthetic writing such as poems, prose, and novel. Moreover, the literary text falls under two categories which are fiction and non-fiction.

The definition of fiction is any literary narrative, whether in prose or verse, which is invented instead of being an account of events that actually happened

(Abrams & Harpham, 2012, p. 128). Fiction literary works’ theme has no limitation, which means that they can be very unrealistic. The example of fiction literary works genre are mysteries, science fiction, thrillers, and fantasy. Therefore, a lot of fiction stories contained a preposterous plot or storyline. Moreover, the characters, setting, and phenomenon in the story are entirely the author's imagination.

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On the other hand, while fiction literary work is created from unrealistic imagination and having no limitation, non-fiction literary work is limited by actual fact and reality. Non-fiction work presents the story of the truth, factual events, or phenomena that have happened. The non-fictional works consist of primary facts about the setting, the object, and the problem or plot (Mazzeo, 2012, p. 4). The characters, issues, and the plot that exist in non-fictional works are authentic. There is some example of non-fiction literary such as autobiography and memoir.

Between autobiography and memoir lays some slights differentiation.

According to Judith Barrington from The Handbook of Creative Writing, the difference between the two lies in the choice of a preposition: an autobiography is a story of a life; a memoir is a story from a life (Barrington as cited Earnshaw, 2007, p. 109). Originally, the words autobiography derived from Greek, autos signifies

“self,” bios “life,” and graphe “writing.” Put together, autobiography is a non- fiction literary of self-life writing discussing their journey of a whole span from birth to the time of writing. Moreover, while an autobiography discusses a famous person's life journey, to write or share a memoir, a person does no need to be famous.

In order to write this kind of memoir, you don’t have to be famous but, rather, to want to turn your life experiences into well-honed sentences and paragraphs (Barrington as cited Earnshaw, 2007, p. 109).

Different from autobiography, a memoir is like a person’s diary. A memoir is non-fiction writing that described a pivotal moment of their life and setting boundaries by the selected theme. The theme of a memoir is already pursued and specifically only discusses some of a person’s period time, not the whole life story.

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As also discusses by Evan Marshall, a former senior editor at Dodd who now heads his own literary agency, a memoir differs from autobiography or biography in that while the latter tells the story of a life, a memoir has a narrower focus (Marshall,

2017, para. 2). Moreover, the distinction between a memoir and an autobiography is the writer's point of view. While an autobiography can be written from the third point of view, a memoir is written from the first author’s perspective. In a memoir, an author tries to recreate the event through storytelling.

Therefore, the story life a memoir primarily discusses the author’s life turning point. In fact, a memoir is like a person’s diary; a memoir can also be a form of self-healing. Linda Myers (2010) mention in her book,

A memoir has the power to reveal deep secrets and to expose long-buried thoughts, feelings, and events to the light of day. Writing a memoir is to whisper your secret truths into the ear of the reader. Writing your truth is freeing, as you let go of the burden of deeply hidden secrets and let them come to the surface (Myers, 2010, p. 13).

Along with the sentences above, writing a memoir can help a person healing from their trauma and let go of the burdens. Likewise, research by Dr. James

Pennebaker and other scientists have proved that writing helps to heal both body and mind, integrating different parts of the brain to heal the effects of trauma

(Pennebaker et al., as cited in Myers, 2010, p. 6). Writing a memoir means that we learn about ourselves, and the reward of writing a memoir is an emotional understanding and even healing, forgiveness, and self-acceptance.

In this study, Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family is chosen as the object of the study. This non-fictional literary work is a memoir of Garrard

Conley's process in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual living in a

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conservative environment and had to keep his sexual orientation a secret because of the shadow of fear. According to Ellis (1994), she proposed that self-acceptance is an unconditional,

Self-acceptance is, therefore, not based on an assumption of worth related to behaviour, characteristics, achievement or support, or approval from others. Rather it is a choice to accept oneself (Ellis as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 231).

There are no classifications of how someone has to be perfect so that they can accept themselves. However, people’s self-acceptance process is different from one another; people through so many ups and downs, difficulties, and struggling.

Furthermore, there is something they need to sacrifice and let go of to accept their flaws truthfully.

It goes along with Garrard Conley, as a young homosexual who was raised in a religious family whose father is a Baptist pastor; Garrard experienced the obstacle in accepting himself as a homosexual. He took a long journey of self- acceptance before finally truly reach the point because he was haunted by the fear of being excluded by society.

There are also other reasons that prevent Garrard Conley from achieving self-acceptance. People who were found out about Garrard Conley's homosexual orientation right after the news of himself being raped abruptly spread started to treat him differently by talking bad about himself and looking at him with a disgusting look. He also got no support from his family because his sexuality is considered a shame, and they intimidated Garrard Conley to join with gay conversion therapy, namely Love in Action (LIA). For the shake of his father’s name as a Baptist pastor and the shame of being a homosexual, Garrard agreed with his

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parents’ suggestion to join the program and cure his sexual confusion. Moreover, after attending some of the programs, Garrard had enough pretending and realized that his homosexual orientation is not an illness that needs to be cured.

Finally, this topic is worth studying because Boy Erased is an inspirational memoir that discovered a story based on reality about a coming up story of a homosexual man. Boy Erased not only shows the reader that being a homosexual is not something to be ashamed of. Nevertheless, Garrard also shares the discrimination and the long self-acceptance process as a homosexual living in a conservative and devout Christian family. Lastly, the memoir also contains his hope to banish gay conversion therapy after the legalization of same-sex marriage law.

Lastly, the memoir also contains his hope to banish gay conversion therapy after the legalization of same-sex marriage law.

B. Problem Formulation

There are three questions formulated to be discussed in this study which focused on Garrard Conley’s obstacle and his self-acceptance journey as a homosexual. Those questions are:

1. How is Garrard Conley described in Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith,

and Family?

2. What are the stigmatization and discrimination faced by Garrard Conley as a

homosexual?

3. How is the process of Garrard Conley in achieving self-acceptance as a

homosexual?

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C. Objectives of the Study

In this study, the researcher tries to identify Garrard Conley's process of achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual after going through stigmatization and discrimination. By revealing Garrard Conley's description, the researcher analyses how it affects Garrard’s characters toward his family and society. Finally, using theories, the researcher is know how Garrard Conley's process in achieving self- acceptance after going through stigmatization and discrimination as a homosexual.

D. Definition of Terms

There are two important definitions of terms used in this study to avoid misunderstanding: self-acceptance and homosexuality. The following purposes are the explanation of the terms that are used in this research.

Self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is the ability and willingness of an individual to live with all his/her characteristics. An individual who achieves self- acceptance are defined as those with no trouble nor burden towards themselves and have chance to improve and adapt with their surroundings (Hurlock, 2002, p. 12).

Homosexuality. Homosexuality refers to homosexual orientation associated with the words gay that lay from the definition of LGBT, which is described as a group or community for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.

According to Kinsey, a homosexual is an individual who has an attraction towards their same-sex or gender as to be clear, for a man who attracted to man called gay while girl who is attracted to girl called lesbian (Kinsey as cited in The Health of

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People: Building a Foundation for Better

Understanding, 2011, p. 28).

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CHAPTER II

REVIEW OF LITERATURE

A. Review of Related Studies

This part presents the review of previous studies related to the study's topic, which is the discrimination faced by Garrard Conley in his self-acceptance journey as a homosexual. Reviewing related studies is important because it would help the researcher better understand this research topic. Besides helping the researcher understand the topic better, the previous related studies are taken from some studies done by other researchers before, such as paper, journal, and article, which are used as additional guidelines that also distinguish the differences between the current research and the related studies before.

The researcher found four related studies to be discussed. The first study is an undergraduate thesis entitled Elsa’s Self-Acceptance as The Result of Her

Defense Mechanism in Jennifer Lee’s Frozen (2020) by Ludia Natalia Grace

Kaomaneng from the English Literature Department of Sanata Dharma University.

The object of this study is a Disney movie entitled Frozen, directed by Jenifer Lee.

The movie described the story of sisters; Elsa and Anna, who apart because Elsa has the magical power to create ice and snow. However, this study focused on Elsa’s self-acceptance process, growing up being different with magical power.

Using the psychoanalytic approach, the researcher analyses Elsa’s self- acceptance process resulting from her defense mechanism. Before analyzing Elsa’s self-acceptance, the researcher first discusses Elsa’s description in the movie and her defense mechanism to cope with her anxiety. Moreover, the researcher uses the

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theory of character and characterization by Boggs and Petrie (2008) to analyzes

Elsa’s characteristics. Kaomaneng stated that Elsa is an obedient, protective, independent, and preceptive person. Moreover, to analyze Elsa’s defense mechanism, the researcher used theory by Hall and Lindsey (1978). The researcher revealed Elsa’s defense mechanisms: denial, regression, acting out, fixation, repression, and rejection (Kaomaneng, 2020, pp. 42-49).

Furthermore, to analyze Elsa’s self-acceptance process, the researcher uses the theory of self-acceptance by Carl Rogers in The Strength of Self-Acceptance by

Michael E. Bernard (2013). Finally, the researcher concludes that Elsa's self- acceptance is marked by one of the defense mechanisms, which is repression and self-acceptance journey through four stages,

The first phase is she learns to understand and accept herself by reflecting on past mistakes. She also begins to show good signs in a new relationship which is the interaction with her sister and understand that her powers as part of herself. The last, from understanding to take her powers as part of herself, she becomes more open to adjusting herself to the reality that her powers can cause happiness in bringing all the people together (Kaomaneng, 2020, pp. 56-57).

As a result, this previous study is related to this study because they focus on the character’s self-acceptance journey. This study also using the self-acceptance theory from Carl Rogers in The Strength of Self-Acceptance by Michael E. Bernard

(2013). However, the object of this study and the previous related study is different.

This study's object is a memoir by Garrard Conley, and its study focuses on Garrard

Conley’s self-acceptance journey as a homosexual. On the other hand, the previous related study's object is a Disney movie entitled Frozen, and it focuses on Elsa’s self-acceptance journey as the result of her defense mechanism.

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The second study is also an undergraduate thesis written by Ruth Intan

Hutauruk, a Psychology Department student, Sanata Dharma University, entitled

Studi Deskriptif Terhadap Penerimaan Diri Pada Pria Homoseksual (Gay) (2019).

The subject of this study is two homosexual college students of universities in

Yogyakarta. Furthermore, to collect the data, the researcher interviewed the respondents who were asked about their background story as a homosexual and their experiences in coming out.

The researcher uses the theory of personality development by Hurlock

(1974) in order to analyze factors that influenced their self-acceptance. Other theories supporting this study are the theory of psychodynamics clinic by Lindzey and Hall (1933) and psychology of adolescents by Jersild (1965). According to this study, both respondents have been through challenging stages to accept themselves as homosexual. They were hiding their sexual orientation from society and also being denial.

The respondents' denial phase, such as; they compared their feeling towards men and women denied that they more into men, make themselves surer that they more have felt toward women and rejected to called themselves homosexual (Hutauruk, 2019, p. 46).

The respondents denied their sexual orientation, and some of them were faking their identity because they were raised and thought about the paradigm of how the normal world worked. Society teaches that relation between same-sex is aberrant that breaking the norm of society. The opposite of that, the society has a better opinion and thought about men and women relationship that being generalized as people’s standard living.

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Related to the fear of society’s judgment, both respondents only come out to their closest friends and not their family.

Both of the respondents were openly come out as a homosexual only in front of their closest friends. Their decisions were taken because they are no longer denied their sexuality and have accepted themselves as a homosexual (Hutauruk, 2019, p. 89).

In reviewing the related studies, the second previous study is related to this study because it has the same study’s topic: self-acceptance as a homosexual. On the other hand, the previous related study was done by interviewing two college students who are homosexual that sharing their background and experiences as a homosexual. In contrast, this study's object is a biographical novel written by

Garrard Conley Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family.

The third related study is an article from the International Journal of

Cultural Studies published by Sage Publishing Company. The article chosen by the researcher is written by Michael Lovelock (2019) entitled My coming out story:

Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth identities on YouTube. This previous related study observes the thirty-five YouTube coming-out videos. Those YouTube coming out videos discuss the LGBTQ+ community’s experiences living in a society full of complexity and their background that they chose to come out using social media platforms.

The LGBTQ+ community is growing up in an environment where homosexuality is considered aberrant, experiencing fear and feel disgusted because of their sexuality.

[The idea of being gay] scared me so bad because I knew that that was a bad thing from such a young age. [Thinking] that maybe I am that scared the crap out of me […] At a very young age, I heard the word gay, and I knew

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there was a negative association with it. That word grossed people out, and people used it as an insult. (#10 bisexual male) (Lovelock, 2019, p. 77).

Lovelock stated that the main reason the LGBTQ+ community chose

YouTube as a coming-out platform is to avoid awkwardness and to decrease the risk of receiving hatred or the risk of outright rejection. Despite that they feel uncomfortable to deliberate their sexuality in front of people because of society’s stigma about them as an unnormal person, the topic itself is not easy to talk about openly. Therefore, through the text, they can articulate what it feels like to be queer in a straight world without facing them lively.

Furthermore, coming out on YouTube is also a form of self-acceptance. The coming out vlogs demonstrate how discourses of authenticity and self-acceptance

(Lovelock, 2019, p. 82). It is taking a long time for someone to accept themselves as a homosexual, considering the stigma that their sexual orientation is breaking the norm. Most of the content consists of their journey before finally coming out and overring advice, guidance, and support for others struggling to do so.

In summary, the related study presents a similar aspect to this study, such as the same topic. This study discusses the LGBTQ+ community’s coming out process as the result of the self-acceptance of their sexuality through the social media platform; YouTube. While on the other hand, this study discusses Garrard

Conley’s discrimination as a homosexual and his self-acceptance journey using a memoir as his platform. Moreover, both of the purposes of their coming out are a sign to show their self-acceptance and encourage people who may be experiencing the same struggle.

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The last related study is an article from the Rubikon Journal of

Transnational American Studies. The chosen article written by Sekar Yolanda Azza

(2020) entitled The Paradox Behind the Existence of Gay Conversion Therapy as

Depicted in Garrard Conley’s Memoir Boy Erased. This study is qualitative research that discusses the phenomenon of homosexual conversion therapy's existence and its relation with Boy Erased, which shows the same issue after the legalization of same-sex marriage, becoming a paradox of multiculturalism in the

United States of America. The approach used is post-nationalism to see the United

States as a whole rather than a single entity and marginalized group, homosexual people who have contributed to American cultures.

Related to this study, banning all gay conversion therapy was not easy since this conversion was commonly established by conservative religion, and Christian is the biggest religion in the United States.

After the legalization of same-sex marriage law for all fifty states of the United States in 2015, homosexuality still becomes controversial, and gay conversion therapy still exists (Azza, 2020, p. 123).

The statement above shows that as a multicultural country, the United States mentally does not ready to accept the same-sex marriage that had been legalized.

Homosexual orientation is still controversial and homophobic behaviour also still growing up in the United States as a multicultural country. The Declaration of

Independence (2004) promised to protect all men’s right to get the freedom of life regardless of their race, sex, gender, job, and ethnicity in the United States only promise. Because until June 2019, the United States only successfully banned 18 states which still allowed conversion therapy.

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The researcher used Boy Erased to find its relation with the current conversion therapy that still exists after the legalization of same-sex marriage and become a paradox of multiculturalism in the United States of America. According to the data from Boy Erased, gay conversion therapy shows that the United States is not the ideal multicultural country for homosexuals (Azza, 2020, p. 133).

Moreover, the homophobic attitude that still at the root affects the homosexual’s life because they experienced more discrimination and oppression, as it also experienced by Garrard Conley.

Conclusively, the researcher uses this last related study because it has similarities, discussing conversion therapy in the United States. Moreover, this related study also using Gerrard Conley’s memoir as their object to compare the same issue about homosexual conversion therapy. Nevertheless, this related study focuses on the phenomenon of gay conversion therapy after the legalization of same-sex marriage, becoming a paradox of multiculturalism in the United States of

America. While on the other hand, this study focuses on the process of Garrard

Conley in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual after going through stigmatization and discrimination on his journey when he decided to join the homosexual conversion therapy in Love in Action (LIA).

Finally, all of the four previous related studies are taken from some studies done by other researchers before, such as paper, journal, and article, have different and similarities aspect with this study such as on subject, topic, and also the use theory. Nevertheless, all of them are important and used as references of this study to understand the topic better.

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B. Review of Related Theories

In this chapter of the study, there are four theories used to support this research. They are a theory of characterization, a stigma of sexuality theory, a theory of violence and discrimination against queer people, and a self-acceptance theory. The theories are presented briefly as follows.

1. Theory of Characterization

As has been mentioned in the introduction, characterization holds a vital role in literary works. The different characteristics between each character in a literary work can tell the reader what their role in a story. Moreover, characterization in literary work does not only aim to differentiate the role in a story, it also helps the readers to understand the message or moral values through their characteristics and behaviour.

Characters are the persons represented in a dramatic or narrative work, who the reader interprets as possessing particular moral, intellectual, and emotional qualities by inferences from what the persons say and their distinctive ways of saying it—the dialogue—and from what they do—the action (Abrams & Harpham, 2012, p. 46).

Characters in literary work are different from one another. Each character presented their feelings and emotions in many distinctive ways, and they have different personalities depending on how an author created them. The diversification of characters in literary works can be influenced by the author’s past life experience, beliefs, and religion, gender, etc. Furthermore, an author has various ways to deliver their characters by describing them directly, explaining from another character, and how they are reacting to an event.

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According to Murphy, there are nine methods for an author in delivering the character in literary works, which are personal description, character as seen by another, speech, past life, a conversation of others, reactions, direct comment, thoughts, and mannerism (Murphy, 1972, pp. 161-173). a. Personal Description

The authors describe the characters directly by a person’s appearance and clothes. The person’s appearance is something physical, including their skin colour, hair, eyes colour, and so on, that can be seen through visual imagery

(Murphy, 1972, p. 161). b. Character as Seen by Another

The authors describe the characters indirectly by another character's perspective and opinion. In this method, the authors present the characters through other eyes by giving some clues or points of view and opinions from other characters (Murphy, 1972, p. 162). c. Speech

The readers can understand a person's character from how they make conversations with another whenever they speak, giving an opinion, and making a statement (Murphy, 1972, p. 164). d. Past Life

Describing the character’s past life makes the readers learn something about the events that helped shape a person’s character. An author can directly tell the character’s past life through the person’s thoughts, conversations, and other person's medium (Murphy, 1972, p. 166).

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e. Conversation of Others

The readers also can get clues about a person’s character through the conversations of other people and the things they say about them. The dialogue between other characters shows the perspective and perspective to see the character itself (Murphy, 1972, p. 167). f. Reactions

A person's character or personality can be seen through their reaction to some events and how they handle any circumstances. How people react to various situations and events shows their personality or characters (Murphy, 1972, p. 168). g. Direct Comment

The authors comment on a person in a story by providing the character’s description directly to give the readers a clue about the character’s personality

(Murphy, 1972, p. 170). h. Thought

The readers can identify a person’s character from how the authors give them the direct knowledge of the person’s point of view or how their mind thinks about something through the author’s writing (Murphy, 1972, p. 171). i. Mannerism

The author explains a character’s characteristics in a literary work by describes their mannerisms and habits to tell the readers about the person’s character. (Murphy, 1972, p. 173).

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2. The Stigma of Sexuality Theory

According to Goffman in Stigma: notes on the management of spoiled identity (1963) and Jones et al., in Social Stigma: the psychology of marked relationship (1984), stigma has referred to a condition or attribute that discredits the individual who manifests it (Goffman and Jones et al. cited in Meyer and

Northridge, p.172, 2007). In other words, stigma is a negative judgment toward a minor community or an individual based on race, identity, and gender, or sexuality.

Moreover, the stigma based on gender or sexuality is called the stigma of sexuality. According to Herek (2007), the stigma of sexuality is defined as society’s negative judgment regarding non-heterosexual behaviour, identity, relationship, or community (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.172, 2007). The society shared belief that sexual stigma for homosexuals as denigrated, discredited, and constructed as invalid relative to heterosexuality that defines homosexuals people as deviant, sinful, and outside the law called heterosexism.

Heterosexism comprises the organizing rules whereby society's institutions make gay and bisexual people invisible in most social situations or, when they become visible, designate them as appropriate targets for hostility, discrimination, and attack (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.173, 2007). The phenomenon of sexual stigma toward homosexuals called has been an integral part of many of society’s institutions, including religion, the law, and medicine. The result of those sexual stigmas toward homosexuality is not only affecting their mental health. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender, consequently having less access than heterosexuals to institutions' benefits. They are also often directly being discriminated against and being treated unequally because of the stigma of their sexuality.

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Herek mentions in The Health of Sexual Minorities (2007), Christianity as the most dominant religion, condemns homosexuality. From The Health of Sexual

Minorities part that discussing heterosexism, the history said that the Christian condemnation of homosexual behaviour found in Thomas Aquinas's writing and twelve century later spread through European religious and secular institutions.

Antipathical towards homosexual acts and behaviours included nonprocreative sexual conduct (e.g., masturbation, bestiality), sex not sanctioned by marriage

(fornication, adultery), and marital sex that focused on sensual gratification (e.g., intercourse in positions other than the man lying on top of the woman) (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.175, 2007). Unlike heterosexuals, the Christianity religion believed that homosexual behaviour is regarded unequivocally as an evil, unnatural act and considered irrelevant to its status as a sin against nature.

Homosexual people who received sexual stigma and negative attitudes from society create an additional threat to their psychological wellbeing. The sexual stigma and negative attitude will give a negatives impact on their psychological wellbeing or mental health. Herek in The Health of Sexual Minorities (2007) stated that gay people are likely to be regarded as inappropriately flaunting their sexuality when people self-disclose. They found difficulties in maintaining reciprocal levels of self-disclosure in social interaction (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.187,

2007). As a result, when someone’s sexual stigma is revealed, an individual’s primary task in social interaction is to shift from managing personal information to attempt to influence how others use that information in forming impressions about her or him, and they will hide their true identity.

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According to Maylon (1981-1982),

internalized homophobia gives rise to low self-esteem, lack of psychological congruity and integration, overly embellished and ossified defenses, problems with intimacy, and a particular vulnerability to depression interaction (Mylon cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.188, 2007).

Sexual stigma and society’s negative attitudes toward sexual minorities also affected their self-esteem. While a positive reaction about someone’s disclosure will lead to self-worth and self-acceptance, a negative attitude of sexual stigma will lead individuals to have low self-esteem and a challenging process to achieve their self-acceptance. Because of all the negative sexual stigma, a homosexual person is starting to accepting themselves as deserving. They constantly believed the negative attitudes and sexual stigma of themselves as part of themselves.

3. Theory of Violence and Discrimination Against Queer People

The term queer is a derogatory epithet used for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals (LGBT) as a positive self-label (Meyer, 2015, p 33). The word LGBT+ itself is described as a group or community for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. It can also obscure the many differences that distinguish these sexual and gender-minority groups. Besides, lesbians and gays or so-called homosexuals are understood as individuals who have same-sex attraction. At the same time, bisexual is an individual interested in both genders, and transgender is a term to describe an individual whose gender identity is different from the sex they were born. LGBT+ is also not only a community for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender; it is also an umbrella term that can include an individual with asexual, pansexual, etc.

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The idea of being a minority in society, people of the LGBT+ community faced stigmatization and discrimination because of their sexual orientation. Doug

Meyer, in his book Violence against Queer People: Race, Class, Gender, and the

Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination (2015), stated that

Many LGBT people’s violent experiences are considerably more complex than simply reflecting homophobia. Lesbians encountered forms of violence that were simultaneously sexist and homophobic, facing suggestions that butch lesbians had “converted” feminine women into homosexuality (Meyer, 2015, p.143).

Violence against Queer People: Race, Class, Gender, and the Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination (2015) is Doug Meyer’s research book that demonstrates the effect of discrimination towards the LBGT+ community. This book discovered an authentic experience of the violence and oppressive discrimination of the LBGT+ community, leading to suffering in minority society.

Furthermore, related to Doug Meyer (2015), the violence and oppressive discrimination faced by the LGBTQ+ community are briefly explained below. a. Family Rejection

Homophobic abuse frequently operates in families in the form of rejection, as heterosexual people may have a little problem with strangers who are gay or lesbian but then become distressed when their son or daughter publicly identifies in this way (Meyer, 2015, p. 112). Family rejection happens because accepting an immediate family as an LGBTQ+ community is different from accepting a stranger’s queer identity. People might have no problem when knowing someone is a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but some people are hardly accepting the fact or even reject it when it comes to their family members.

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The rejection from family members can be shown verbally and physically.

Some of them are also experiencing being expelled from the family. One of the respondents that experience family rejection discussed in Violence against Queer

People: Race, Class, Gender, and the Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination

(2015) is Thomas. When he was thirty-two, he experienced family rejection when he was coming out to his father, and his father threw him out of the house, saying,

“I don’t want to see you anymore” (Meyer, 2015, p. 134). Like Thomas’s experience, many homosexual people might have experienced violence in the family both verbally and physically. They were also experiencing family rejection by expelled from their house when they were coming out of their family found out about their homosexual orientation. b. Verbal Violence

Verbal violence is one of the kinds of discrimination faced by the LBGTQ+ community in the form of labeling their sexuality. Verbal violence also referred to marginalizing, and stigmatized sexualities such as lesbianism and male homosexuality are associated with non-conforming gender displays; heterosexuality, on the other hand, is linked with gender conformity (Meyer, 2015, p. 18). LGBT+ community receiving verbal violence by called as faggot, cocksucker, big dyke, sissy, etc. Further, LGBT+ verbal abuse or stigma and marginalization also come from the Christian religion. Cited from The History of

Sexuality Volume Two (1985), besides that sexual activity is associated with evil, sin, the Fall, and death, Christianity drew a strict line that excludes relationships between individuals of the same sex (Foucault, 1985, p.14).

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Related to Violence against Queer People: Race, Class, Gender, and the

Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination Doug Meyer (2015) mentions the example of verbal violence experienced by George, a homosexual man who was insulted when two men approached him in a parking area. When George offered to give the men his money, one of the men pushed George, laughed, and called him a

“little faggot.” (Meyer, 2015, p.62). Those who were verbally violent, George intended to insult him that men with homosexual orientation have a connotation with weakness. Moreover, to deal with the experience of verbal violence, George met with the therapist to consult about his mental health. c. Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is a violation of someone’s sexual integrity without their consent. Related to it gender, lesbian and transgender women often emphasized the severity of physical abuse, viewing this form of violence as potentially leading to sexual assault (Meyer, 2015, p.68). However, this fact does not rule out the possibility that sexual assault also can happen to a homosexual man. Moreover, sexual assault has a significant impact on mental health and mostly having trauma.

According to an article journal entitled Challenges Faced by Gay, Lesbian,

Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Students at A South African University (2015), the experience of sexual abuse that the LGBT+ community had before coming out left traumas that made them uneasy about being more open. They are under the shadow of it, being assaulted that extends not only explicitly but by sexual jokes and gestures (Sithole, 2015, p. 197). The tremendous left effect of sexual assaulted not only traumatized but also can make an individual commit suicide.

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The example of sexual assault’s effect that left trauma on a victim is also discussed in Violence Against Queer People (2015).

“… Latoya expressed fear that this incident would lead to a sexual assault. When I asked if it hurt when the man grabbed her hair, she responded, “Yes, it hurt!” but then added shortly thereafter that she just wanted to make sure “it didn’t get worse.” Latoya had experienced an incident of date rape when she was eighteen, which she said she did not want to discuss during our interview because it “brought back too many bad memories.” (Meyer, 2015, p .77).

Based on the example from Latoya’s case, although the incident of sexual assault had happened a long time ago, the gruesome details always overshadowed the victim. The victim will still remember the details, and they become disgusted with their bodies and blame themselves because the gruesome details that stuck cannot be gone from their memory. d. Homophobic Hate Crime

According to Doug Meyer (2105), the idea about homophobic hate crime is violence motivated by bias or hate associate victims with white and middle-class gay men (Meyer, 2015, p .5). Homophobic hate crime has the goal of changing how individuals think about the violence in the LGBTQ+ community by spread hate towards them.

The book gives an example of one of the most famous cases of homophobic hate crime that happened in 1998. The Matthew Shepard's case, the most famous and well-known antigay hate crime, involved the brutal murder of a white homosexual college student (Meyer, 2015, p .5). Matthew Shepard experienced homophobic hate crime by brutally attacked and tied into a fence in a field and left to die by two assailants.

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e. Race and Social Class Violence

Race and social class violence against LGBTQ+ people has been characterized in negative terms because it is practiced by marginalized race and social class groups; that is, homophobia is bad because “certain groups” engage in it (Meyer, 2015, p .8). The Colour LGBTQ+ community is marginalized in multiple ways, and they experienced the double standard not only based on their homosexuality but also their race and class.

One of the examples about race and social class violence experienced by the

LGBT+ community discussed in Violence against Queer People: Race, Class,

Gender, and the Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination (2015) was experienced by Gideon. As a colour homosexual, Gideon experienced violence that was based not only on his sexuality but also because of his race and social class. Two men approached Gideon, who occasionally wore eyeliner and carried a purse, and they made homophobic comments by calling him a “faggot” who “deserved to be taught a lesson.” (Meyer, 2015, pp. 25-26). Gideon’s race and social class violence cannot be examined through the lens of homophobia because it also has a relation with racism. Moreover, it has more to do with the overlap of race and sexuality than the overlap of gender and sexuality.

Correspondently to strengthen the research, this theory is also supported with an article journal written by Chatterjee Subhrajit from International Journal of Interdisciplinary and Multidisciplinary Studies (IJIMS), 2014, Vol 1, No.5, 317-

331 entitled Problems Faced by LGBT People in the Mainstream Society: Some

Recommendations. There are similarities in the article journal's discussion that

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deliberated major problems faced by LBGTQ+ people across the world. Subhrajit mentions the fourth teen major problems faced by LGBTQ+: marginalization and social exclusion, conflict and rejection, homelessness, homophobia, and harassment.

Exclusion and discrimination faced by the LBGTQ+ community have a major impact on their lives, such as being ignored in the community and isolated, rejected from religion, and attempt suicide (Subhrajit, 2014, p.320).

The weight of discrimination that an individual has received as a member of the LGBTQ+ community is far from easy. They received hatred from public society up to rejection from religion that made them feel there is no safe place in this world. The effect of those discriminations has impacted their social life and has an impact on their mental health. The impact of being from exclude society, family, or being isolated becoming a big factor. Furthermore, the worst possibility of receiving so much hate that decreased mental health can lead to depression and suicide.

4. Self-Acceptance Theory

From The Strength of Self-Acceptance (2013), self-acceptance is the main break and escape out of this “emotional prison,” so we can discover and experience the freedom that comes with unconditional acceptance (i.e., true appreciation) of both ourselves and others (Brach as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 32). Self-acceptance is a stage when an individual wholly accepted their flaws and imperfections yet realized their worth. They are forgiving their fault and having a sense of peace with themselves. An individual who achieves self-acceptance has also had the ability to embrace and improve their self-qualities.

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In Bernard’s The Strength of Self-Acceptance (2013), Carl Rogers states there are four elements that involved self-acceptance that could be achieved through a type of relationship or particularly exemplified in the therapeutic relationship, and this would bring about positive results.

The first element was an acceptance of impulses and attitudes, which emerged in part through others' influence which were often a result of prior negative experiences. The second element was one’s being in tune with behaviour and the perception of new relationships. The third element involved the renewed view of reality made possible by this acceptance and understanding of the self. The fourth element was planning new and more satisfying ways in which the self can adjust to reality (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5).

Self-acceptance is a lifetime journey that took a long process to achieve.

Moreover, a person’s qualities and life always improved along the process of self- acceptance. Each step of self-acceptance is a process of healing and a deeper understanding of oneself. Some people might be facing a rough road, and some of them are not able to continue. Nevertheless, when a person can pass each element of self-acceptance until the fourth element, they will accept themselves unconditionally, adjust to reality, and improve. The four elements of the self- acceptance process by Carl Rogers are briefly explained below, a. The Acceptance of Negative Impulses and Attitudes

The first element of self-acceptance is able to accept the negative impulses and attitudes. This element is when a person accepts their mistakes in the past

(Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5). By accepting past mistakes, it signs that a person forgives the burdens that hold them. The acceptance of negative impulses and attitudes can be achieved with therapeutic relations that would bring positive results.

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b. Being in Tune with One’s Behaviours

The second element is the continued element; when a person is able to accept their mistakes in the past, they will be able to be in tune with one’s behaviours. A person will be more open to society and interact with one another

(Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5). The difficulties in achieving the first element are that a person’s effective healer during self-acceptance is their surroundings.

Laing (1967), as cited from The Strength of Self-Acceptance (2013), states that the complexity of chasing actualization with recognizing the “metamorphoses that one man may go through in one day as he moves from one mode of sociality to another” (Laing as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 8). The long path of self-acceptance journey is effectively helped by the helping role such as one another. By being more open to one another, a person also can recognize their potential and improved. c. Renewed View of Reality

Renewed view of the reality element is a stage when a person is able to accept something in oneself. Along with the second element, when a person is more open to society and renewed view of reality, a person will learn to accept and understand themselves (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5). Renewed view of reality is an element of self-acceptance, learning to understand themselves after accepting past mistakes and being more open to one another.

The sign when an individual is reaching the second element, which is the renewed view of reality, they learn to understand themselves better by accepting flaws and truthfully embracing themself. Self-acceptance becomes possible through

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freeing oneself from social dependence and allowing one to accept oneself as she or he wishes to be (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 6). Once a person can embrace the best in oneself and the flaws, they will stop comparing themselves to someone else. d. Planning New and More Satisfy Ways

The last element of self-acceptance is planning new and more satisfying ways. After accepting mistakes in the past, being more open to society, and accepting something in oneself, the last element of self-acceptance is planning new and more satisfying ways (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5). Planning new and more satisfying ways is a stage when a person entirely has accepted everything in themselves, both the good and bad sides. They are aware and understand their weakness and strength and trying to improve themselves and adjust to reality.

According to the book,

Much like a young soldier that lies on a grenade during battle, the moment she or he has reached the ultimate potential of living for others was also the last moment of life. It is in the split-second decision to accept one’s chosen role to sacrifice one’s life for others that one has truly accepted one’s destiny (Bernard, 2013, p. 7).

When a person is deciding to learn and understand their value, they are ready to sacrifice. Whether they die before joining the battlefield and die afterward, a person must be ready will all the changes. Thankfully, not all self-acceptance needs result in physical death, but they must often face the symbolic death of who one was, who one is, or is becoming (Bernard, 2013, p. 7). In this context, death is losing past that has been held the person up and change it into a better version.

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Furthermore, in order to strengthen the theory, this theory is also supported by two journals written by Maryke Cramerus (1989), Shelley H. Carson, and Ellen

J. Langer (2006). The first article journal used to support the theory is from Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy entitled Self-Derogation: Inner Conflict and

Anxious Vigilance, written by Maryke Cramenus (1989), discusses a person's characteristics when they have not reached their self-acceptance. On the other hand, the second article journal is from Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-

Behavior Therapy entitled Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance, written by Shelley H.

Carson and Ellen J. Langer (2006), discusses the individuals’ characteristics when they finally reach self-acceptance.

The first article journal is entitled Self-Derogation: Inner Conflict and

Anxious Vigilance, written by Maryke Cramerus (1989). Self-derogation is the opposite of self-acceptance. It is a behaviour that is quite distinct from perceptual, representational, or cognitive organizations, such as self-image, self-representation, self-concept, self-evaluation, self-esteem, and identity (Cramerus, 1989, p.56).

Self-derogation can be influenced by self-perception and someone’s stigma or evaluation, leading to negative self-evaluation, which is the hatred feeling. The hatred toward themselves will likely face an internal threat in the form of self- blaming by comparing themselves with one another. This happens because an individual with self-derogation will only be focused on people’s evaluation of them.

The effect of the hatred and internal threat of self-derogation is that they will hardly receive self-acceptance.

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According to Cramerus in Self-Derogation: Inner Conflict and Anxious

Vigilance (1989), a person who is hardly achieving self-acceptance may face dangerous impulses, ward off others' perceived hostility and aggression, and defend against experiences of helplessness, humiliation, shame, and vulnerability, and fear

(Cramerus, 1989, p.56). An individual will be accusing oneself of being defective and weak. They are also often punishing themselves with verbal abuse and self- blaming. Besides that, they keep comparing themselves with one another. Self- blaming often happens because individuals feel shame and helplessness about themselves for not being good enough. Moreover, people who are hardly self- acceptance and trapped in self-derogation might experience fear of showing their true identity. The fear of social judgment that prevents an individual from exploring and improving themselves is most likely becoming a significant factor in self- blaming.

An individual with self-derogation also reminds unvocalized. They tend to hold their opinion or infrequently spoken aloud. Kaplan, Johnson, and Bailey

(1986) stated that an individual with self-derogation, which is associated with self- rejection, experiences the feeling of being ineffective, powerless, or lacking in control over his or her own destiny (Kaplan et al., 1986, p. 114). The feeling of less made a person becoming powerless and tend to be silent. They hardly speak up their mind and agree with everyone else’s opinion or suggestion. The characteristic of being powerless leads to a self-conflict that made an individual feel like being forced to do everything.

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The second article to support the theory is written by Shelley H. Carson and

Ellen J. Langer (2006), entitled Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance. This article journal discusses the individuals’ characteristics when they are finally reaching self-acceptance. When a person is finally reaching self-acceptance, their character and personality to deal with a phenomenon also change. This willingness to deeply experience life, even the mundane is life, was a key characteristic for self- actualizing people.

Carson and Langer (2006) stated that the mindful condition's hallmarks are the ability to view both objects and situations from multiple perspectives and the ability to shift perspectives depending upon context (Carson and Langer, 2006, p.

30). Mindless is the result when an individual finally achieves self-acceptance.

They come to accept their original categorization, their past, flaws, and everything in themselves. Carson and Langer (2006) stated that,

Living mindfully entails living daily life without pretence and without concern that others are judging one negatively. The person who lives mindfully is fully ‘‘at the moment’’ and is not worried about how he or she is coming across to others. (Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 30).

The most important aspect of an individual who achieves their self- acceptance is their ability and willingness to let other people see the truth of themselves. They are no longer afraid to show their true colour and express their feeling. Openness is a necessary starting point but not sufficient. The openness to the experience must be connected to an acceptance of it and to the ability to creatively respond to what life presents (Maslow as cited in Bernard, 2013, pp. 8-

9). Their character and personality that was hindering their self-acceptance process will be slowly changing and get better.

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According to Carson and Langer (2006), in fact, making mistakes is an indicator that one is willing to engage with the environment and try things even when the outcome is uncertain (Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 35). When individuals forgive and set themselves free from their past mistakes, they will find the perspective that motivates change and new knowledge.

Furthermore, after achieving self-acceptance, an individual will also stop comparing themselves with other people. White, Langer, Yuriv, & Welch, in the press, reported that those who compare themselves to others more often also reported more guilt, regret, and blame (White et al., cited in Carson and Langer,

2006, p. 37). When people compare themselves to others, they focus on someone’s accomplishment, and they will forget to improve themselves. On the other hands, after an individual stop comparing themselves with one another, they will develop and improve their skill to be the best version of themselves.

Before finally achieving self-acceptance, individuals might be facing a hard time expressing their opinions and letting other people lead the decisions because they are having no confidence in making a good decision. They ask others for advice, thus robbing themselves of the benefit of feeling in control of their lives, oblivious to the fact that they actively made the decision of whether to take the advice of others (Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 39). That does not mean asking someone’s suggestion is bad, but if an individual continuously does it unconsciously, they let other people control themselves, and that is wrong.

However, once an individual achieves self-acceptance, they will learn to make their own decision. An individual will be braver and more outspoken to state an opinion.

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C. Theoretical Framework

There are four theories to analyze this present study entitled Boy Erased: A

Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family, written by Garrard Conley. Those four theories are the theory of characterization by M.J Murphy (1972), the stigma of sexuality theory by Gregory M. Herrek et al. (2007), the theory of violence and discrimination against queer people by Doug Meyer (2015), and the theory of self- acceptance by Carl Roger (2013). The first theory, which is the theory of characterization by M.J Murphy (1972), is used to examine Garrard Conley's description of who was pressing himself by hiding his sexual orientation as homosexual in a religious environment.

The second theory is the stigma of sexuality theory by Gregory M. Herrek et al. (2007) and the theory of violence and discrimination against queer people by

Doug Meyer (2015); using this theory, the researcher can get to know the kind of stigmatization and discrimination faced by Garrard Conley that having a hard time accepting himself as a homosexual. Next, the researcher using the theory of self- acceptance by Carl Roger (2015) to discover Garrard Conley’s self-acceptance process until he finally accepted himself as a homosexual. Two journals also support this theory. The first article journal is Self-Derogation: Inner Conflict and

Anxious Vigilance, written by Maryke Cramenus (1989), discusses a person's characteristics when they have not reached their self-acceptance. The second article journal entitled Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance, written by Shelley H. Carson and Ellen J. Langer (2006) discusses the individuals’ characteristics when they finally reach self-acceptance.

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CHAPTER III

METHODOLOGY

A. The object of the Study

In this study, the object that is chosen to be analyzed is a memoir novel which is non-fiction writing that differs from autobiography or biography in that while the latter tells the story of a life, a memoir has a narrower focus setting boundary by the selected theme (Marshall, 2017, para. 2). While an autobiography discusses a famous or influental person’s jorney of a whole span from birth to the time of writing, writing, and sharing a memoir, a person does no need to be famous.

Different from autobiography, a memoir is like a person’s diary. In a memoir, an author tries to recreate the event through storytelling. The object of the study is a New York Times bestselling memoir novel titled Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family written by Garrard Conley. Published in 2016 by

Riverhead Books in New York City, Boy Erased was adapted into a movie in 2018 with the same exact name directed by Joel Edgerton and stared by Lucas Hedges and participated in some awards. The movie adaption won the Australian Academy of Cinema and Television Arts Awards (2018) as Best Adapted Screenplay. Boy

Erased was nominated for an LGBTQ+ non-fiction book in Lambda Literary

Awards (2016).

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Using flashback literary technique, Boy Erased tells the story of Garrard

Conley's journey, which is also the writer of the book. He shared his process in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual living in a devoted Christian family and environment. Garrard’s father, who was also a Baptist pastor in their church, affects people in how they see Garrard. People in his church expected Garrard to be their church's future, following his father's path after he finished college and get married to his girlfriend. Because before everyone found out that Garrard is a homosexual, he was in a long relationship with Chloe, Garrard’s first and last girlfriend.

On the other hand, Garrard was aware of his homosexual orientation when he was in the third grade. Garrard Conley had an infatuation with his male teacher, and since then, he has kept thinking about men more than women. However, when

Garrard met Chloe for the first time at their church, he was attracted to Chloe's genuine smile, giving him butterflies feeling in his stomach. Chloe made Garrard feel loved, she made the school life more fun, and she made him feel complete in no one else had. Moreover, with no intention to lie or hurt Chloe, Garrard could not help himself for stop thinking about men

This relationship was ended when both of them step into college life.

Garrard broke up with Chloe because he felt some part of himself could not take it anymore; he cannot hide it anymore. Moreover, Chole’s brother, Brandon, was caught doing something intimate with a boy, which made Gerrard more anxious, and he decided to end his relationship with Chloe. Being a sophomore, Gerrard got a new friend named David, who was also a freshman in his college. They were getting closer after both of them discovered that they have a lot of similarities.

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Moreover, after Garrard entered his college life, he became more open to men, although he did not openly show homosexual orientation. Garrard has one close friend named David, that he also has an infatuation with him. Unfortunately,

David becomes Garrard’s nightmare when David sexually assaulted Garrard. David rapped Garrard on the night after their midnight run. Garrard was so shocked by what happened that he could not fight back for himself. He likes David a lot, but he did not agree with what happened without his consent. Yet, he was still confused with his sexual orientation.

Garrard's parents found out about this rape tragedy. They were called by

David and told that Garrard is a homosexual instead of telling everything in detail.

Furthermore, Garrard’s family, who is a devout Christian trying to find a way to cure Garrard’s sexual orientation confusion. They did not want Garrard to sinking deeper into the sin. Moreover, people who already found out about this gossip started looking at Garrard and his family differently. They talk bad behind Garrard’s back and even cut him off.

Garrard's parents finally decided to take him to Love in Action (LIA), a conversion camp that aims to cure men and women who have a homosexual orientation. In that phase, Garrard through a tough life. He had been cut off from some of his friends, treated discriminatively, and even his parents did not support him. Along with his journey in LIA, he realized that his sexuality is not something to be cured. He needs to figure out a way to talk to his parents, and he understands that his parents also need time to put everything together. Finally, his mother agrees for Garrard to leave LIA and live his own life the way he wants.

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B. The Approach of the Study

To answer the research questions, the researcher uses the psychological approach. This approach is most suitable for analyzing the character and the obstacles in self-acceptance because the psychological approach is a tool that explains the characters’ behaviour and motivations (Hossain, 2017, p. 43).

Furthermore, Abrams & Harpham (2012) mentions in A Glossary of Literary Terms

Tenth Edition,

Psychological criticism deals with a work of literature primarily as an expression, in an indirect and fictional form, of the state of mind and the structure of the personality of the individual author (Abrams & Harpham, 2012, pp. 319-320).

From the explanation above, it is understood that a psychological approach aims to observe characters from literary works whose characteristics are implicitly written. Furthermore, this research analyses the stigmatization and discrimination faced by Garrard Conley and his self-acceptance process as a homosexual. The psychological approach is used to find Garrard Conley’s characteristics as the result of the stigmatization and discrimination that he received. The researcher uses a psychological approach to analyze how Garrard Conley’s characteristics prevent his process in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual.

C. Method of the Study

The study method of this research used the library research method, which aims to gather information to analyze Garrard Conley's process in achieving self- acceptance as a homosexual from the memoir novel Boy Erased: A Memoir of

Identity, Faith, and Family. The information is gathered from the printed book, online journal, and article related to this study's topic. This research also conducted

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by using two sources which are primary and secondary sources. The primary source of this study is Garrard Conley’s non-fiction book Boy Erased: A Memoir of

Identity, Faith, and Family (2016).

The secondary sources of this research are previous studies that belong to other researchers ; a book discusses the process of self-acceptance by Carl Rogers in The Strength of Self-Acceptance (2013) by Bernard M.E. Two journals written by Maryke Cramerus (1989), Shelley H. Carson and Ellen J. Langer (2006); Self-

Derogation: Inner Conflict and Anxious Vigilance, written by Maryke Cramenus

(1989), discusses a person's characteristics when they have not reached their self- acceptance and an article journal entitled Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance written by Shelley H. Carson and Ellen J. Langer (2006) discusses the individuals’ characteristics when they finally reach self-acceptance.

A book discusses sexual stigmatization by Gregory M. Herek, Regina

Chopp, and Darryl Strohl in The Sex of Sexual Minorities by Ilan H. Meyer and

Mary E. Northridge (2007). A book discusses discrimination faced by the LGBTQ+ community entitled Violence Against Queer People: Race, Class, Gender, and The

Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination (2015) written by Doug Meyer and also a journal article entitled Problems Faced by LGBT People in the Mainstream

Society: Some Recommendations (2014) from International Journal of

Interdisciplinary and Multidisciplinary Studies (IJIMS) written by Chatterjee

Subhrajit. This research is also supported by the book entitled understanding

Unseen, written by M.J. Murphy (1972) that discusses characterization.

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There are several steps taken to analyzing Garrard Conley’s self-acceptance struggle as a homosexual. Firstly, the researcher was reading the novel Boy Erased:

A Memoir of Identity, Faith, and Family (2016) to understand the biographical novel's story. Secondly, the researcher highlighted some important parts of the novel related to the focus of the study. Thirdly, the researcher was reading the used theories, journals, and articles.

After doing close reading about the theories, the researcher started to analyze each problem formulation by connecting the theories and the important parts of the novel that have been highlighted. The first question was answered using a theory of characterization by M.J Murphy (1972) to reveal Garrard Conley’s character presented in the novel. Next, the researcher analyzed the stigmatization and discrimination faced by Garrard Conley using the stigma of sexuality theory by

Gregory M. Herrek et al. (2007) and the theory of violence against queer people by

Doug Meyer (2015) that also supported with a journal article entitled Problems

Faced by LGBT People in the Mainstream Society: Some Recommendations (2014) written by Chatterjee Subhrajit. After that, to answer question number three, the researcher used the theory of self-acceptance from The Strength of Self-Acceptance by Carl Rogers (2013) to revealed Garrard Conley’s self-acceptance stage as homosexual that also supported by theories from Self-Derogation: Inner Conflict and Anxious Vigilance written by Maryke Cramenus (1989) and Mindfulness and

Self-Acceptance written by Shelley H. Carson and Ellen J. Langer (2006). Lastly, the researcher made the conclusion of the analysis.

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CHAPTER IV

ANALYSIS

This chapter is divided into three parts. The first part discusses Garrard

Conley’s characteristics from Boy Erased. The second part discusses Garrard

Conley’s experience of stigmatization and discrimination that prevent him from achieving self-acceptance. The third part discusses the process of Garrard Conley’s in achieving self-acceptance.

In this first part of the analysis, the writer tries to identify the first problem question's answer by describing Garrard Conley’s characteristics.

A. The Description of Garrard Conley

In literary works, the different characteristics between each character in a literary work can tell the reader what their role in a story. Characterization also holds a vital role in order to presents the plot of the story. Moreover, characterization in literary work does not only aim to differentiate the role in a story; it also helps the readers to understand the message or moral values through their characteristics and behaviour.

In order to analyze the description of Garrard Conley’s that portrayed in Boy

Erased, the researcher using the theory of characterization that M.J Murphy deliberated. There are nine ways to analyze a person’s characteristics. It could be personal description, character as seen by another, speech, past life, a conversation of others, reactions, direct comment, thoughts, and mannerism. The writer analyzed and described Garrard Conley’s characteristics through his mannerism, thought, reaction, past life, direct comment, and characteristics seen by another.

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1. The Description of Garrard Conley at The Beginning of The Novel a. Introverted

The first characteristic of Garrard Conley that is shown in the beginning of

Boy Erased is his introverted characteristic. The characteristic of Garrard Conley as an introverted person that is shown in the beginning of Boy Erased is analyzed with mannerism, the character seen by another, and by his thought.

According to Carly Breit (2018),

Although it may look like they’re just sitting quietly, introverts are actually soaking in the information that’s being presented and thinking critically (Breit, 2018, para. 14).

Being an introverted person does not mean they are limiting themselves with their surroundings and society. They might be sitting quietly in front of people they just met and took longer than an extrovert for finally being a friend, but that is because they are very observant. An introverted person is observing closely and thinking critically about new information or new people that they meet.

Along with the understanding, the introverted characteristic of Garrard

Conley is also shown by another character who was in conversation with him. The conversation has happened between Garrard and his new college friend, David.

“Invisibility,” I said. “That says a lot about you,” he said. “That says you’re an introvert.” He kicked open the unlatched door to my room” (Conley, 2016, p. 105).

David was helped Garrard carrying his boxes into his dorm room while

David asked Garrard a question about which power he will choose between flight and invisibility. Honestly, there were no purposes for this question. Garrard and

David were just making a casual conversation like they always did. Therefore,

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David can judge that Garrard is an introvert after hearing that he chose to have invisibility power instead of flying. Nevertheless, Garrard explains himself the reason why he chose to have invisibility power.

Invisibility, I thought immediately. Free to do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, undetected. I had felt anything but invisible in the weeks before coming here (Conley, 2016, p. 104).

Facing the homophobic society makes Garrard Conley wanted to be invisible. After people found out about his homosexuality, being away from the crowded and celebrate midnight run's joy never felt the same anymore. People started to look at him disgustingly and made him look like a villain. Because of that treatment, Garrard Conley felt like he just wanted to be disappeared and unseen because he felt a lot of pressure from seeing people looking at him.

Furthermore, the description of Garrard as a quiet person is shown when he was interacting with his friends and people from LIA.

I wanted to talk more with J, who seemed like a nice enough guy, someone who hadn’t been here long enough to forget what the first day was like. But J stayed seated inside, and I ended up standing at the far edge of the porch by myself (Conley, 2016, p. 25).

During his time joining the conversion therapy, Garrard was a friend with J, who joined the same program as him to cure their homosexual orientation.

Nevertheless, Garrard took a long time to make a move with J before finally being a friend with him. Although deep down, Garrard finds that J seemed like a nice guy to befriend, Garrard did not make a move and just sitting quietly during each session from start to end until his mother picked him up. In the end, J was the one who approaches Garrard and being a friend.

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Likewise, Garrard also has two closes friends when he entered college. They are Charles and Dominique. Sometimes they watch movies together, hang out, etc., but Garrard turns to be silent about his life experiences in the LIA conversion therapy camp.

I never told Charles and Dominique any of this, worried they would think the same about me. All they knew about my background was that I had grown up Missionary Baptist and that my father was becoming a preacher (Conley, 2016, p. 238).

Garrard did not want to tell Charles and Dominque about the conversion therapy that he was forced to join. Both of them only know the fact that Garrard is a son of a Baptist pastor who was facing a hard time after the sexual assault that revealed his homosexual orientation. Garrard is a quiet person who tends to keep everything inside his head rather than telling it to his friends. He chose to do his hobby, which is midnight running, alone by himself to find ease.

The night before, while filling out my Addiction Workbook, I’d gotten so confused by the questions that I’d sneaked out of the hotel room sometime after midnight to jog a few laps around the suburban neighbourhood, yellow pools of streetlamp light drawing me deeper into the cul-de-sacs, my sneakers squeaking, endorphins kicking in midjog so that I could concentrate long enough on my confusion to question it (Conley, 2016, p. 139).

Garrard really loves running, both at midnight and before sunrise. Whenever he got free time, he will be doing the running with no accompanies. This midnight running habit not only becoming Garrard’s way to recharging his energy but also to deal with his problems and/or anxieties. Rather than sharing his feelings and/or emotions with someone else, Garrard chose to do the midnight run to clear his mind.

Garrard can release his stress through running, especially when he felt uneasy about something when he was joined LIA.

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b. Obedient

The second characteristic of Garrard Conley is obedience. Garrard Conley’s obedient characteristic is shown by his reactions towards his parents’ command and the suggestion that appear in their conversation. Garrard Conley is the only child in the family and was raised with Christian religious values as his father is a Baptist pastor in their church. Garrard's value turns him into an obedient kid who always agrees to all his parents’ suggestions. He always said yes to his parents’ suggestions about his life, including when his parents asked Gerrard to join LIA and cure his homosexual orientation. Garrard Conley had no choice but to agree to his parents’ suggestion, or else the situation will be getting worst.

To prevent myself from drowning, I agreed to my parents’ plan. As the weeks passed and the next steps solidified, we would decide if I was to stay in college or if more drastic steps needed to be taken (Conley, 2016, p. 162).

Right after Garrard’s parents found out that their son is a homosexual, they immediately looking for help with their son's sexual confusion. Firstly, Garrard’s parents, especially his father, talked to Brother Stevens, discussing whether there might be a cure for Garrard’s condition. Surprisingly, Brother Stevens knew about

Love in Action (LIA), which is a homosexual conversion therapy that promised to prevent and cure sexual confusion. Knowing that there might be hope for Garrard to be cured, Garrard’s parents decided to sign his son to LIA because they believed that LIA is a perfect place to cure his son’s sexual confusion.

Although Garrard felt devastated, he accepted his parents’ suggestion to join the gay conversion therapy in LIA to cure his homosexual orientation. However, there was a war deep down inside Garrard Conley’s heart. While on one side,

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Garrard wanted to cure his homosexual orientation because he did not want to make his parents even more disappointed. On the other hand, Garrard Conley really wanted to embrace his true identity as a homosexual because he feels nothing wrong with being part of the rainbow community. Nevertheless, remembered the society’s judgment Garrard Conley’s family received after discovering his homosexuality,

Garrard Conley agreed to join LIA because he already felt that he is ashamed of the family, and at least he wanted to try to be cured.

Another dialogue that shows Garrard is obedient to his parents is when he asked to meet a doctor and do a testosterone test. This test is used to check Garrard

Conley’s testosterone level whether or not it increased.

“Dr. Julie’s planning on checking your testosterone.” “Oh,” I say. There’s nothing else to say. “It’ll be quick. We’ll have some answers.” “Good,” I say. The twin Clauses stare up at me, snow settling at their feet. “Make sure you tell your professors you’ll be gone Tuesday.” “Okay.” “What’s wrong, honey?” One of the Clauses edges closer. “Nothing,” I say. “It’s just weird.” (Conley, 2016, p. 260).

According to this part, Garrard agrees with his parents’ suggestion with a mixed feeling inside him. He felt nervous because what if he failed the test and can no longer faking that he is getting better. During the process of his homosexual curing in LIA, Garrard realized that there is nothing part of himself that needed to be changed. Garrard was extremely tired of faking that he was getting better after joining LIA because, truthfully, his sexual orientation is not an illness that needs to be cured. On the other hand, of his tiredness, Garrard also worried that he would fail the test and make his parents more disappointed. Nevertheless, he was agreed to see the doctor.

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c. Envious

The third characteristic of Garrard Conley is envious. This characteristic is analyzed based on Garrard’s thoughts and opinion in the way he compared his life to others. According to Dempsey Karen, envy generally involves two people that the envious person may deeply want what the other person has and feels frustrated at not being able to have it. Envy is often rooted in low self-esteem – sometimes from very early unmet childhood needs where the person feels inherently not good enough (Dempsey, 2020, para. 4-5). Another key to remember is that a person feels envious because they are frustrated for not having something other people have.

They will start to compare their life to those who they think to have a better one.

Along with Garrard, he started to show his envious characteristic because people suddenly cut him off and treating him differently because of his homosexual orientation. For that reason, his envious characteristic grows up that he also tends to compare his life as a homosexual with those who are heterosexual.

How it must have been so easy for him, a straight man, to live such an outstanding life and then sit back and watch the fruits of his labour flower before him in the form of younger deacons, younger preachers like my father whom he’d inspired with his unwavering devotion, his unerring connection to God. How he didn’t have any idea what it felt like to be cut off without warning. Pleasehelpmetobepure (Conley, 2016, p. 227).

Long before people found out about Garrard’s homosexual orientation, they were always nice to him. People from church and his neighborhood knew him as a son of a Baptist pastor and a good boyfriend of a girl with a genuine smile, Chloe.

They adore Garrard as a good obedient person, a person who was expected to be the church's future, just like his father.

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On the other hand, Gerrard’s world turns upside down in a blink of an eye when David called his mother and told her that his son is a homosexual. The news spread like wildfire through his neighborhood, people from church, and also his college friends. Garrard purposely avoided public places because of the fear of social judgment about his sexualities.

Those social reactions and judgments about his sexuality turn him into a person who always compares his life to hetero. Garrard Conley’s envious characteristic was blooming in his heart when people started talking bad behind his back and look at him differently with that judgment gaze. He thought it would be easier to live in a world as a heterosexual that everyone, including his parents, would not never cut off.

Becoming an outcast by society and his parents, who did not support him and instead took him to LIA, was breaking down Garrard’s mental. Moreover, the institutions' discrimination towards a person like him also triggered his enviousness and made him lose his self-esteem.

What was the use in studying if I couldn’t even imagine how my life would turn out? It was possible I wouldn’t even have a career if I couldn’t change who I was. My parents certainly wouldn’t pay for my education and, for all I knew, employers didn’t hire gay people (Conley, 2016, p. 298).

The evidence above shows Garrard’s envious characteristics toward hetero people. The privilege that hetero people have that any institution will always accept was contradictory with Garrard’s life. Most institutions did not hire homosexual people because of the homophobic attitude. As a result, Garrard has no choice but to cure himself as his parents' suggestion to cure his homosexual orientation and become a heterosexual person.

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d. Self-Blaming

The previous characteristic of Garrard Conley not only showed his envious characteristic. Still, it indirectly showed how he keeps blaming himself because of his homosexual orientation that taking away all of his future. In this part, using the way Garrard recalls his past life, the researcher analyzed Garrard’s self-blaming characteristic.

According to Gilbert, self-blame is particularly correlated with shame and depression, which is more commonly related to loss of acceptance (Gilbert, 2000, pp. 174-175). The mistake that is still holding back a person continuously can lead a person into depression and self-blaming. In this case, the feeling of being different in society and Garrard’s past life trauma and mistakes always haunted him and most likely made him into a self-blaming person.

I remembered the overly sweet taste of her mouth, the Double mint sugar pocketed away in the folds of her tongue, the shudder of fear that passed through my chest each time my tongue met the band of her braces. Why wasn’t it considered a sin to treat a nice girl like her so horribly? (Conley, 2016, p. 299).

Garrard was in one long relationship when he was in high school, and his first and only relationship was with a girl, Chloe. Moreover, being with Chloe could not Garrard to think about men. He was aware that deep down, he is more attracted to men, but he also cannot deny that Chloe made Garrard felt loved. She made him feel complete in a way no one else had.

He felt horribly bad about Chloe when the night they were in a car and something romantic about to happen. Suddenly there was big pressure that burdens his heart, and he felt something off. That was the time when he realized he really

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could not do it with Chloe. Furthermore, after that night and Garrard, who decided to break up with Chloe, kept blaming himself for not intentionally lying to a nice girl like Chloe.

Another past life event that always makes Garrard blaming himself is when the night David raped him.

For the longest time, I wouldn’t allow myself to admit that it was rape at all. Like many victims, I was embarrassed. How could I have let this happen? What kind of man let another man do this to him? David was hardly stronger than I was, so how could I have been so weak, so helpless? (Conley, 2016, pp. 116-117).

He needs a long time to finally accept that one of his life's traumatic events is had happened and cannot be changed. Before finally making peace with himself, he always spends his night blaming himself for being weak that he could not fights

David to prevent the tragedy. He felt ashamed of how a man could not fight back and become so helpless and let himself be raped so easily. e. Suicidal

Garrard Conley was a person with suicidal thoughts. Throughout his hard time in LIA, Garrard was frequently thinking about ending his life before finally brave enough to embrace himself. That happened because no one understands how depressed he was when no one around supports him. The way society judged

Garrard Conley and people who suddenly shut him up caused him to blame himself for being a homosexual and end up with suicidal thoughts.

I liked flirting with death. The glamour of Ending It All, and so suddenly, wasn’t much of a leap up from the End Times sensationalism of our family’s church. There was also a pleasure to be had in knowing that the end could come at any time without warning. You might be going about your daily life, thinking everything is fine, when suddenly—boom!—the levees break, the waters rise, and every hateful object you know becomes treasure now

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belonging to the Lost Kingdom: artefacts for future, more enlightened excavators to ponder. Life takes on greater meaning in the aftermath. All this senseless pain was somehow making sense in the end (Conley, 2016 p. 140).

Garrard’s suicidal thought is the result of the depression being an outcast in society. According to Yvette Brazier, suicidal thought refers to thinking about planning suicide and can occur when a person feels that they are no longer able to cope with an overwhelming situation. There are risk factors that cause suicidal thoughts, such as depression, hopeless feeling, trauma, identifying as LGBTQIA+ with no family or home support, and bullying (Brazier, 2020, para. 1-13).

Related to the understanding of risk factors that can cause suicide is in correlation with what was experienced by Garrard Conley. He felt overwhelming about his situation. His friends leave him suddenly, becoming an outcast by society, and his parents kept pressing him to cure his homosexual orientation. Garrard was so depressed because he really wanted to be truly embraced and accepted himself as a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but sadly, reality fiercely opposed him.

Moreover, in order to distract his suicidal thought, Garrard made himself busy by accompanying his father to work in his ministry.

I had chosen to accompany my father to his jail ministry as a way of ending these images, as an alternative to the suicide I contemplated almost nightly, to the scissors I began to feel for in the middle of the night, running my restless hands along the lip between my mattress and box spring until reaching those twin metal tongues (Conley, 2016, p. 162).

Garrard was aware that society’s pressure on himself for being different triggered most of his suicidal thought. In order to ignore his suicidal thought,

Garrard chose to accompany his father to his pastoral ministry. He learns how to be a good car salesman, as his father always taught.

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Unfortunately, being away from his suicidal thought by keeping up the day busy did not work last. That only helped him temporarily because, in the end,

Garrard really could not resist it anymore.

Multiple suicide attempts, two psychiatric hospitalizations. Diagnosed severe type-2 bipolar disorder and moderate PTSD by multiple doctors in two different states. Ex-gay therapist told me the symptoms from these illnesses were caused by my “sexual confusion.” (Conley, 2016, p. 336).

A person with type-2 bipolar disorder, the so-called BPII, experiences one or more periods of depression. They feel overwhelmed at times by their negative emotions or impulses. In these situations, it may seem as though the pain will never end. It can be hard to think clearly and use coping techniques; thus, some people resort to using unhealthy coping behaviours (Roberts et al., 2014, p. 97). Related to the understanding of BPII, the pressure and depression that Garrard hold was the main reason for his multiple suicide attempts.

2. The Description of Garrard Conley at The End of The Novel a. Expressive and Outspoken

The first description of Garrard Conley portrayed at the end of Boy Erased is described as an expressive and outspoken person. In the past, after the gossip was spreading to Garrard Conley’s neighborhood and university, people around Garrard has excluded him from society and made him becoming quieter. Moreover, when he finally agrees to his parents’ suggestion and decided to join the LIA conversion therapy, Garrard was getting close with one of the sophomores who used to be in the same circle friend with him, Caleb.

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Garrard Conley and Caleb met at an art exhibition held by Caleb and getting closer since then. Caleb is also a homosexual and can make Garrard Conley feel comfortable showing his true colour because they are in the same shoes. He made

Garrard Conley be able to share his thought about everything when his surroundings shut him out. They shared opinions from crucial to random things without fear of getting judged.

“I’ve never paid that much attention,” Caleb said after I’d closed my eyes and recited a list of the objects in the room from memory. “You should be a poet.” “I don’t want to be a poet,” I said. I wanted to be a short-story writer. I wanted stories that sprawled, took on lives of their own (Conley, 2016, p. 307).

Garrard Conley used to be a quiet person who chose to be a good listener and keep his thought inside rather than express his thought. Garrard Conley was afraid that people might think he is different and judged by people if he spoke his thought. On the other hand, Caleb was a person who can make Garrard Conley feel safe and secure to show himself, express his feeling and emotion. Also, he made

Garrard comfortable telling Caleb about his perspective towards the phenomenon and his dream when no one else knew and noticed his writing skill.

Garrard Conley’s expressive and outspoken characteristic is also shown in how he manages his emotion. He is no longer faking his feeling and pretending to be always fine when the truth is, he felt devastated. Because of Caleb’s attention and understanding, Garrard Conley can finally express his emotion that he has been hiding because of his fear of society and his parents, who were always pressing him to cure his homosexual orientation.

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Caleb knows that Garrard Conley’s conversion therapy program in LIA has resulted in him nothing but getting into more depression. Therefore, Caleb always asks Garrard Conley’s condition and checks up on his conversion therapy progress whenever he has a chance to meet Garrard. Caleb was the only person who can make Garrard feel at ease and becoming his true self after a long day pretending to be someone else in LIA. When Garrard with Caleb, he finally can express his exhausted and devastated feeling he has to hide when he was in conversion therapy.

Caleb understands Garrard Conley’s confusion between embrace his true identity or following his parents’ suggestion to be cured. He also made Garrard

Conley understands himself better and made him freely expressed himself without worries of being judged. When Garrard feels weak and overwhelming about his conversion therapy situation, Caleb would be there to accompany Garrard to cry whatsoever and give him strength. As the result of this relationship, Garrard Conley can express his emotion that has been hidden for so long. He is no longer faking and can be true to himself. Moreover, Garrard Conley is also become more open up to his surroundings and outspoken to his parents.

While at the beginning of Boy Erased, Garrard Conley is described as an obedient person. At the end of Boy Erased, he is described as an outspoken person who is brave to stand his will and make his own decision.

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Garrard Conley’s outspoken characteristic is shown when he asks the LIA’s receptionist to make a call to his mother.

“I need my phone back,” I said. “Can’t do that,” the receptionist said, smiling. “You know the rules.” “It’s an emergency,” I said. “What kind of emergency?” “It doesn’t matter.” The auditorium doors were still closed behind me. No one was coming after me yet. The receptionist dug my phone out from a pile of phones and handed it to me. He was no longer smiling. I dialled my mother’s number. She answered on the first ring. “Mom,” I said, “I need your help.” (Conley, 2016, pp. 324-325).

At the end of Boy Erased, Garrard Conley’s outspoken characteristic is shown, followed by his expressive characteristic. The conversation above showed the opposite reaction of Garrard Conley at the beginning of Boy Erased when he was described as an obedient person who always agreed to all his parents’ command and the decision to join the LIA conversion therapy program to cure his homosexual orientation. At that time, he did not reject his parents’ command, although he really did not want to do it deep down in his heart.

Garrard Conley’s relationship with Caleb makes him sure that his homosexual orientation is not an illness that needs to be cured. He is also sure that

LIA is the wrong place, and it should not be a place for people to find help.

Therefore, Garrard Conley is finally brave enough to state his opinion, although it was dangerous because it broke the LIA’s rule to not having interaction before the session is done and discuss the program outside LIA. Garrard Conley asked the

LIA’s reception after he is getting surer that the conversion therapy place would never make him cure his homosexual orientation but will only lead him into more depression.

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Furthermore, Garrard’s mother finally reached the call and picked him up from conversion therapy. They were silent for some time because Gerrard’s mother was processing what was just happen to his son, and Gerrard was thinking of how to speak up to his mother to end his conversion therapy program.

I knew I had to do something, or we would continue to live the same way we’d always lived: a life full of secrets, full of unsaid words. “I never want to go back there,” I said (Conley, 2016, p. 325).

Garrard Conley’s outspoken characteristic to his parents helps him to finally end his therapy program in LIA. However, Garrard could not make his mother directly agree to his decision, so that he asked his mother to talk to LIA’s staff about what was happening. After some discussion, Garrard’s mother knows that the LIA conversion therapy program staff is only a college degree in marriage counseling, and it made her believed in Garrard’s point of view about their incapability and decided to stop Garrard Conley’s conversion therapy program. b. Self-Forgiving

The third characteristic of Garrard Conley portrayed at the end of Boy

Erased is self-forgiving. Self-forgiving is the opposite characteristic of self- blaming. While self-blaming is correlated with shame and loss of acceptance, a person with self- forgiving characteristics is able to free themselves by forgiving their past. According to Hunter (1978), forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing balms available and, when applied, can reduce bitterness, resentment, and blame (Hunter cited in Beiter, 2007, p.9). This understanding means that a person with self-forgiveness characteristic sets themselves free from past mistakes, forgiving it that leads to healing.

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At the beginning of Boy Erased, Garrard Conley, who experienced rape, leads him into having a trauma that always made Garrard blaming himself. Garrard

Conley sank into self-blaming that also leads him into a suicidal person. He attempted multiple suicides and went to a psychiatrist. The experience of sexual assault that left trauma made Garrard Conley into a self-blaming and suicidal person, and it was also the other reason that Garrard Conley agrees to join the conversion therapy program in LIA.

From several programs that offered by LIA, Garrard Conley decided to join the three program which are Genogram, False Image (FI), and Moral Inventory

(MI). Moreover, the trauma that always made Garrard blaming himself was released on the fifth day of the therapy when he attended the MI, where the member who joins the conversion therapy has to trace back their past mistakes and sin to find the root or reason of their homosexual orientation.

By the third Moral Inventory, by the fifth day of therapy, I had already revealed to my LIA group what I felt were all of my carnal sins, though I never actually told them what David had done to me, too afraid God would punish me further if I revealed the secret. I felt hollowed out. Certainly not cured, but no longer filled with the sins I’d kept secret for so long (Conley, 2016, p. 137).

Even though Garrard Conley was still afraid of God’s punishment for what had happened in his past, the result of the self-forgiving characteristic is that

Garrard Conley is no longer hates himself in the past. By revealing his trauma that he considered past mistakes, Garrard Conley finally can stop blaming himself for not stopping the rape tragedy. He finally feels easy about himself after keeping the rape tragedy a secret for so long. Garrard Conley, who truly is the victim of the tragedy, also feels no longer filled with sin.

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c. Self-Satisfied

According to Sousa and Lyubomirsky (2001), satisfaction implies contentment with or acceptance of one’s life circumstances or the fulfillment of one’s wants and needs for one’s life as a whole (Sousa and Lyubomirsky, 2001, p.3). Satisfaction refers to subject assessments of an individual’s life that cannot be compared with one another because each person’s satisfaction is different.

Moreover, an individual who has self-satisfied characteristics will stop comparing their life with one another. They will feel enough and complete with everything that they have. Those can be related to their relationship, financial, education, etc.

Regardless of the definition, at the end of Boy Erased, Garrard Conley is described as a self-satisfied characteristic. He is grateful for being a homosexual after a long time, comparing himself with heterosexual people who have more privilege living in society. Moreover, when he finally realized there still a person who accepted him as himself and discovered that his sexuality is a part of himself,

Garrard stops being an envious person.

Though over the years I’d done my best to pretend otherwise, I’d had a string of male crushes that wouldn’t go away, a constant guilty ache that ran through my body for so long that I came to believe the feeling was just a part of what it meant to be alive (Conley, 2016, p. 148).

For so many years, Garrard Conley needs to hide his true identity as a homosexual because of society’s judgment about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Garrard Conley was afraid that he would receive discrimination and fear of stigma about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community will never have a good education, job, and future. Those feeling also turns Garrard Conley into an envious person who always compares himself to heterosexual people.

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Moreover, Garrard Conley’s self-satisfied characteristic helps him suppress the feeling of comparing himself with one another. He embraces his homosexual orientation as a part of himself that he needs to be grateful for.

Whatever form that strength was going to take, I would have to accept it. I would face tomorrow’s crowd with the stone-cold glare I’d seen in J’s eyes today—the glare of a martyr—even if that was the furthest thing from what I truly felt myself to be (Conley, 2016, p. 153).

Garrard Conley is no longer ashamed for being a part of the LBGTQ+ community and truly finds himself at ease. Garrard Conley is aware of challenges that he has to face in the future, once openly being homosexual. Nevertheless, as his character is a self-satisfied person, he will only focus on himself and improve his skill to fight for what he deserves. Garrard Conley also no longer cares if someday he will threaten unequally by society. He will come through that. Because in the end, the only matter for Garrard Conley is to be the truest version of himself.

B. Garrard Conley’s Experience of Stigmatization and Discrimination

Being a sexual and gender minority in such a complex society is far from easy. People of the LGBTQ+ community faced many stigmatization and discrimination because of their sexual orientation. Homosexual people who received stigmatization and discrimination from society create an additional threat that will have a negative impact on their psychological well-being or mental health.

Doug Meyer, in his book Violence against Queer People: Race, Class,

Gender, and the Persistence of Anti-LGBT Discrimination (2015), stated that

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The LGBT+ community is being discriminate because of their appearance and sexuality that considered as aberrant. People who discriminated the LGBT+ community are believed that homosexual orientation needs to be cured because it is considered unnatural and forced them to become heterosexual. Moreover, despite experiencing the violence and oppressive discrimination that leads to suffering in minority society, the members of the LGBT+ community also experience negative stigma. This stigma based on gender or sexuality is called the stigma of sexuality.

Herek (2004) stated that the stigma of sexuality that so-called sexual stigma is defined as society’s negative judgment regarding non-heterosexual behaviour, identity, relationship, or community (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, p.172,

2007). The society shared belief that the conceptualized sexual stigma for minorities or homosexuals is denigrated, discredited, and constructed as invalid relative to heterosexuality.

The stigma of sexuality and society’s negative attitudes toward sexual minorities also have a negative effect on homosexual’s self-esteem. While a positive reaction about someone’s disclosure will lead to self-worth and self- acceptance, homosexual people who receive negative attitudes of sexual stigma will lead individuals to have low self-esteem and a challenging process to achieve their self-acceptance. Because of that, a homosexual person who receives all the negative sexual stigma started to accept themselves as they deserve to be treated that way.

They constantly believed the negative attitudes and sexual stigma of themselves, such as shame, sin, and evil, are a part of them.

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Furthermore, using the stigma of sexuality theory by Gregory M. Herrek et al. (2007) and the theory of violence against queer people by Doug Meyer (2015), the researcher found that Garrard experienced stigmatization and discrimination that prevent him from achieving self-acceptance are discussed briefly below.

1. Sexual Stigmatization

Sexual stigmatization is the negative result of the stigma of sexuality.

According to Goffman (1963) and Jones et al. (1984), stigma referred to a condition or attribute that discredits the individual who manifests it (Goffman and Jones et al. cited in Meyer and Northridge, 2007, p.171). Stigma is a negative judgment toward a minor community or an individual based on race, identity, and gender, or sexuality. Moreover, the stigma based on gender or sexuality is called the stigma of sexuality. According to Herek (2007), the stigma of sexuality is defined as society’s negative judgment regarding non-heterosexual behaviour, identity, relationship, or community (Herek cited in Meyer and Northridge, 2007, p.172).

Regardless of the understanding, Garrard Conley experienced the stigma of sexuality in the form of verbal violence. Verbal violence as the form of the stigma of sexuality refers to marginalizing sexualities with non-conforming gender displays; heterosexuality, on the other hand, is linked with gender conformity

(Meyer, 2015, p. 18). In this context, marginalizing is shaping or negatively describe someone because of their sexual orientation. Often, they are insulted by inaccurate labeling of their real sexual orientation and derogatory labels that go with this misunderstanding (Sithole, 2015, p. 196). Some of the negative labels used to insulted toward LGBT+ community such as pervert, faggot, monster, etc.

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You’re a pervert, you’re a monster, you’ve got the wrong plumbing look. “All those perverts,” my next-door neighbour said one weekend just after my parents had found out (Conley, 2016, pp. 146-147).

The paragraph above clearly showed how Garrard was being labeled as someone who has unacceptable sexual behaviour by his neighbors. They were giving Garrard the label of pervert and monster because of the rumor that he slept with a guy even though the truth is Garrard Conley was being raped.

Furthermore, Gerrard Conley, who was grown up in a devout Christian environment, was also experiencing sexual stigma and marginalization based on religious belief. Herek mentions in The Health of Sexual Minorities (2007),

Christianity as the most dominant religion, condemns homosexuality. Antipathical towards homosexual acts and behaviours included nonprocreative sexual conduct

(e.g., masturbation, bestiality), sex not sanctioned by marriage (fornication, adultery), and marital sex that focused on sensual gratification (e.g., intercourse in positions other than the man lying on top of the woman) (Herek cited in Meyer and

Northridge, p.175, 2007). Unlike heterosexuals, Christianity religion believed that homosexual behaviour is regarded unequivocally as an evil, unnatural act and considered irrelevant to its status as a sin against nature.

Garrard Conley’s homosexual orientation is stigmatized as a sin and shame.

Sadly, the sexual stigma that Garrard received is a doctrine from his religious environment that becoming a root and value. The impact of this religious value leads Garrard into more depression and ashamed of himself.

Sitting alone with him just hours before in his office, I had witnessed a different man: a kinder, goofier Smid, a middle-aged class clown willing to resort to any antic to make me smile. He had treated me like a child, and I had relaxed into the role, being nineteen at the time. He told me I had come

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to the right place, that Love in Action would cure me, lift me out of my sin into the light of God’s glory (Conley, 2016, p. 4).

From the beginning of Boy Erased, Garrard already shows to his reader how society judged people like him. The first evidence above showed a judgment from the LIA former director, Smid. He maliciously told the guys who join the conversion that their sexual orientation was not coming from God, and they also referred to it as sexual deviance.

As far as I could tell, he knew nothing of my situation. My father seemed to confirm this with a look that said, You might be here because of your sin, but you don’t need to acknowledge it. You don’t need to let anyone else know our shame (Conley, 2016, p. 184).

The second evidence that shows Gerrard’s being sexually stigmatized also came from his father. Same along with Smid, Garrard’s father had been telling him that he has to join LIA because of the sin of his homosexuality. Moreover, besides judging his son's sexuality as a sin, he forces his son to hide it because being a homosexual is a shame. Garrard’s father is a Baptist pastor who is well known in their environment; he did not want people to know that his son is a homosexual.

This was one of the reasons why I was unable to protect myself from him. I had allowed Satan to convince me that I was a strong warrior for Christ when, in fact, I was living a sinful life (Conley, 2016, p. 142).

The amount of this sexual stigmatization that Garrard received makes him believe that those sexual stigmatizations about the homosexual community are actually true. Garrard Conley started to think that he is as bad as those stigmas.

Garrard Conley also kept telling himself that he is sinful and deserve to be punished.

He believed that he is an unfaithful Christian, and his homosexuality was influenced by Satan inside himself.

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Moreover, negative stigmatization and the fewer privileges that Garrard

Conley received affected his characteristic. Because while heterosexual people that considered normal people, homosexual people like Garrard Conley is considered aberrant who will have a negative impact on their environment. The negative sexual stigmatization made Garrard Conley losing his opportunity in education and job and be treated unequally by society. Those sexual stigmatizations made Garrard

Conley became an envious person and constantly comparing himself to those heterosexual people

2. Family Rejection

Family rejection is one of the forms of violence and discrimination or homophobic abuse faced by homosexual people as the result of the stigma of sexuality. According to Meyer (2015), homophobic abuse frequently operates in families, as heterosexual people may have a little problem with strangers who are gay or lesbian but then become distressed when their son or daughter publicly identifies in this way (Meyer, 2015, p. 112). Family rejection has happened because accepting an immediate family as an LGBTQ+ community is different from accepting a stranger’s queer identity. People might have no problem when knowing someone is a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but some of the people are hardly accepting the fact or even reject it when it comes to their family members.

Garrard Conley, who grown up in a devoted Christian family, also experiencing family rejection because of his homosexual orientation that people considered an aberration. When his parents found out about his homosexual orientation, Garrard’s father was the one who emphatically against this matter.

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According to a friend who’d heard it from David, my mother had said over the phone that my father wasn’t going to continue paying for my education if I was going to be openly gay. I turned off my cell phone, hoping I could block out what was coming to me (Conley, 2016, p. 134).

Garrard was in his dormitory room when David called his parents, told them that he and Garrard were done something bad related to sexual immorality.

Garrard’s parents were immediately calling him through his phone and compel him to go home straight away. However, hearing Gerrard’s voice shaking over the phone, his mother decided to pick him up. She brought another woman from church because she was afraid to face his son alone by herself.

There was only silence that accompanied them from Garrard’s dormitory to their house, and Garrard was crying and shaking so hard in the back seat.

Eventually, Garrard was welcomed with a wave of anger and rejection by his father when he arrived home.

Either way, our family’s shame would remain the same. “You’ll never step foot in this house again if you act on your feelings,” my father said. “You’ll never get an education.” (Conley, 2016, p. 134).

Garrard Conley’s mind was chaotic. He wanted to explains that David was the one who raped him, but on the other hand, that would not help him at all.

Because in the end, the result will stay the same, and the fact will only make his parents more believed that he is a homosexual. Although David was aware of his homosexual orientation, he did not want to come out yet and make his parents even more disappointed. Feeling stressed with the situation, Garrard spends his time alone in his room and only thinking about how to erase this part of him.

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After a week pass, Garrard’s father visited Brother Stephens to discuss

Garrard’s homosexual orientation and find a solution to cure it possibly. Garrard’s father was eager to find help and cure his son’s sexual orientation that he considered sexual confusion.

My parents visited with Brother Stevens while I was away at college, discussing whether or not there might be a cure for my condition. He knew surprisingly little about how Love in Action operated but seemed to think that this was the best organization of its kind (Conley, 2016, p. 199).

Garrard’s parents, who are a devoted Christian, believed that homosexual orientation is an illness that can be cured through the power of Jesus. Therefore, after visited Brother Stephens, Garrard’s parents agree to the do suggestion from

Brother Stephens. He suggested Garrard’s parents to registered him to Love in

Action (LIA), a conversion therapy that claimed their programs are based on

Biblical values.

After getting rejection by his family because of the rape tragedy and his sexual orientation, Garrard Conley became a very obedient person to his parents.

According to Kaplan, Johnson, and Bailey (1986) stated that an individual with self- derogation, which associated with self-rejection, experiences the feeling of being ineffective, powerless, or lacking in control over his or her own destiny (Kaplan et al., 1986, p. 114). They hardly speak up their mind and agree with everyone else’s opinion or suggestion. The characteristic of being powerless lead to a self-conflict that made an individual feel like being forced to do everything.

Furthermore, in Garrard’s condition, the connotation of his obedience characteristic does not seem to have good meaning. Garrard Conley turns into a person who always obeys his parents’ suggestions and commands without a single

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word of his point of view. He decided to agree to all of his parents’ suggestions and commands, although it will hurt him even more. Garrard Conley was drowning with his guilty feeling by making his parents shame and disappointed because of the rape tragedy and his homosexual orientation, and in order to pay his mistakes to his parents, Garrard decided to agree will all his parents’ command, including sign him up to conversion therapy program in LIA to cure his homosexuality.

3. Sexual Assault

The next Garrard Conley’s experience of violence and discrimination is sexual assault. Sexual assault is a violation of someone’s sexual integrity without their consent that often emphasized the severity of physical abuse, viewing this form of violence as potentially leading to sexual assault (Meyer, 2015, p.68).

Garrard Conley experienced sexual assault when he was entering university. He met a new friend who also a sophomore, David, who was living in the same building as him. Both of them found a lot in commons. They spoke in the usual banalities, both preferred waking up early in the morning, both interested in running, and both considered themselves heavy studiers.

They were getting closer since then and often did a midnight run together or sometimes done it before sunrise. Garrard Conley, who was already breaking up with Chloe, neither denied nor showed himself that he had a feeling for David, but he did have an infatuation with him. He felt the same feeling as the first time he was interested in his teacher, Mr. Smith, when he was in third grade. However,

Garrard Conley did not expect that the guy he had an infatuation with would have the heart to insulted him sexually.

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Garrard extremely faced a difficult time after that night. He was afraid if sometimes David would tell all people about what was he done to Garrard or might be twisted the story. The darkest truth is that this tragedy was the main reason

Garrard finally agree to join LIA. As mentions in Boy Erased (2016), it was David’s body that first brought me to therapy (Conley, 2016, p. 167). This rape tragedy was also Garrard’s other reason he agrees with his parents’ command to join the conversion therapy in LIA.

Related to Sithole’s, the experience of sexual abuse that the LGBTQ+ community had before coming out left traumas (Sithole, 2015, p. 197). The feelings are hard to be described and last forever. This feeling also made Garrard feel unworthy of himself because he cannot fight when the tragedy happened. Garrard was accusing himself of being weak and trapped in self-derogation because he felt shame which most likely became a significant factor in self-blaming.

Furthermore, the experience of sexual assault not only caused Garrard

Conley to keep blaming himself, but he also ends up being suicidal. Garrard Conley became suicidal because he felt unworthy of himself. This characteristic was growing because no one around support him, and they also did not understand how depressed and traumatized he was as a victim of rape. Moreover, Garrard Conley’s pressure and depression that Garrard hold was the main reason for his multiple suicide attempts.

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4. Social Exclusion

Social exclusion is one of the examples of violence and discrimination as effects of sexual stigmatization from society. People who are stigmatized have relatively little control over their lives and the resources available to them; they may become stigmatized and are often at the receiving end of negative public attitudes

(Subhrajit, 2014, p.319). Society tends to avoid any interactions with homosexual people because of the negative stigma that has been glued with them. They also show negative attitudes toward homosexual people and also exclude them from society.

Like what Garrard has experienced, after the night when David calls his mother and tells her that her son is homosexual, friends and students who heard the gossip were acting like they did not know Garrard and kept their distance when passing by or being around him.

I had lost something like fifty pounds over the summer. It had come about gradually at first, just before cutting off all contact with Chloe, then so suddenly that several of my friends hadn’t been able to recognize me whenever they saw me running along our town’s potholed streets. I had refused to eat more than five hundred calories a day, punished myself further by running for at least two hours every afternoon (Conley, 2016, p. 102).

Social exclusion, which is an act of avoiding and cutting an individual from society, can also happen with the silent treatment because doing a silent treatment such as avoiding talking and greeting an individual is also considered a social exclusion. The sentence above shows the social exclusion that Garrard received from his friends. They started to become strangers to Garrard after they heard about his sexual orientation. Garrard Conley’s friends were starting to exclude him by not greeting him when they met in the street.

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Furthermore, Garrard Conley is also excluded from his college friend. His dormitory buddy decided to leave the room right after the gossip about David was spread.

He’d probably told people I had tried to sleep with him. (My roommate, Sam, had already decided to move out of our room; I was now rooming with my friend Charles, and I suspected that the reason for Sam’s sudden departure was that he’d heard these rumours (Conley, 2016, p.337).

As soon as the news about the rape spread into his college environment,

Garrard’s life was totally becoming way harder than it already is. According to

Sithole, people resent living among homosexual students because they are afraid that homosexual students would propose love to them and touch (Sithole, 2015, p.

199). People tend to exclude homosexual people from their neighborhood and rejected living on the same roof with them. Goes along with Garrard Conley, people or friends from his college were also ready to leave him because of the rumor and his sexuality.

The experience of being excluded by society made Garrard Conley into an introverted person. Society’s exclusion also made a person feel less and powerless so that they tend to be silent. Garrard Conley’s situation and the condition limit his social interaction because he knows no one would listen and understands him.

Aware that he has no one that he trusted enough to talked to, Garrard chose to do the midnight run to clear his mind. He released his stress by running, especially when he felt uneasy about joining in LIA conversion therapy.

Given the explanation above, Garrard Conley’s experience of stigmatization and discrimination not only has a bad impact on his characteristic but also prevents him from achieving self-acceptance. Someone’s stigma or evaluation, leading to

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negative self-evaluation, which is the hatred feeling. The hatred toward themselves will likely face an internal threat in the form of self-blaming by comparing themselves with one another. The effect of the hatred and internal threat of self- derogation is that they will hardly receive self-acceptance.

C. The Process of Garrard Conley in Achieving Self-Acceptance

In this part, the researcher analyzed Garrard Conley’s process to achieve his self-acceptance. From The Strength of Self-Acceptance (2013), self-acceptance is the main break and escape out of this “emotional prison,” so we can discover and experience the freedom that comes with unconditional acceptance (i.e., true appreciation) of both ourselves and others (Brach as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 32).

Self-acceptance is a stage when an individual wholly accepted their flaws and imperfections yet realized their worth. They are forgiving their fault and having a sense of peace with themselves. An individual who achieves self-acceptance has also had the ability to embrace and improve their self-qualities. Self-acceptance is a stage when a person is completely aware of their flaws and imperfections yet realized their worth.

However, many things obstruct a person from achieving their self- acceptance because each individual has their own decision whether or not to fight for it. As written in The Strength of Self-Acceptance, Ellis (2005) stated that self- acceptance is a single idea that can make you radically different in many ways and that you can choose to have it or not have it (Ellis as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. xv).

This understanding means that self-acceptance is a long process to achieve, and there are obstacles along the way.

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In Bernard’s The Strength of Self-Acceptance, Carl Rogers states four elements that involved self-acceptance.

The first element was an acceptance of impulses and attitudes, which emerged in part through others' influence. Negative impulses and attitudes, in particular, were often a result of prior negative experiences. The second element was one’s being in tune with behaviour and the perception of new relationships. The third element involved the renewed view of reality made possible by this acceptance and understanding of the self. The fourth element that Rogers proposed was planning new and more satisfying ways in which the self can adjust to reality (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5).

According to Carl Rogers (1955) in The Strength of Self-Acceptance, he stated that as an individual who accepts oneself can open to the breadth of their experiences and increase their self-understanding (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 9). During the journey of self-acceptance, an individual is learning to understand her or himself. When an individual start to come to terms with his past and mistakes, they accept the flaws and learning to improve.

From Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance (2006), Carson and Langer stated that the mindful condition's hallmarks are the ability to view both objects and situations from multiple perspectives and the ability to shift perspectives depending upon context (Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 30). Mindless is the result when an individual finally achieves self-acceptance. They come to accept their original categorization, their past, flaws, and everything in themselves. Carson and Langer

(2006) stated that,

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9). Their character and personality that used to be hindering their self-acceptance process will be slowly changing and get better.

The same goes with Garrard Conley’s experience. As mentions in from previous part, he was also through obstacles before finally achieve his self- acceptance. He was rejected by his family, experienced verbal abuse as a form of marginalization, sexual assault, and social exclusion. The four elements of Garrard

Conley’s process in achieving self-acceptance are briefly explained below.

1. The Acceptance of Negative Impulses and Attitude

The first element of self-acceptance is able to accept the negative impulses and attitudes. This element is when a person accepts their past mistakes (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 5). Accepting past mistakes shows that a person forgives the burdens that have been held. The acceptance of negative impulses and attitudes can be achieved with therapeutic relations that would bring positive results.

Concerning its understanding, Garrard Conley’s process in achieving self- acceptance also started by accepting his past for being mistaken that he judges himself that being a homosexual is a mistake and put all the blame of the rape tragedy as his responsibility. The experience of not able to fight back and prevent

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the sexual assault that he considered his mistake as a homosexual and being weak.

For some weeks, Garrard refused to go outside because he was worried about how his neighbor will look at him after the news was spread. The experience of sexual assault also left trauma that was also becoming why Garrard Conley joined the conversion therapy in Love in Action (LIA).

Garrard decided to sign into three programs from twelve LIA programs: genogram, false image (FI), and moral inventory (MI). The genogram aims to trace the sinful behaviour that influences the member of conversion therapy. The FI program aims to awaken and encourage the member by affirming their gender identity by distinguishing which belongings, appearances, and actions. The MI program is where the member tracebacks their past mistakes and sin to find the reason for their homosexuality. Moreover, on the MI program, Garrard shares his most traumatic event with the group as the sign Garrard accepts his past mistakes.

By the third Moral Inventory, I had already revealed to my LIA group what I felt were all of my carnal sins, though I never actually told them what David had done to me, too afraid God would punish me further if I revealed the secret. I felt hollowed out. Certainly not cured, but no longer filled with the sins I’d kept secret for so long (Conley, 2016, p. 137).

Garrard was fully aware that the pressure in LIA conversion therapy only made him more depressed. Garrard did not want to lose the game before officially getting on the field, or at least he wanted to try even though he knew nothing needed to be changed. Therefore, on the MI program, Garrard pushed himself to be braver and share his most traumatic event with the group as a sign that he forgives himself for being mistaken that he judges himself that being a homosexual is a mistake and put all the blame of the rape tragedy as his responsibility.

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Before Garrard is able to forgive himself by sharing his traumatic experience and revealing the rape tragedy on the MI program, Garrard was drowned in self-blaming. The fact that he lives in a devoted Christian environment made him afraid that he might be treated differently. He also refused to go outside because he was haunted by the disgusting look from his neighbors after the news was spread.

“He’s probably told half the town by now,” my father continued. I had been avoiding public places for this very reason. David didn’t live too far from our town, and odds were he’d already told several mutual friends I was gay in an effort to save face (Conley, 2016, p. 168).

Worried that David might be telling friends and people in his neighborhood,

Garrard has difficulty rebuilding his self-esteem and being brave enough to show himself in public. Besides that, he was afraid of society’s reaction to his homosexuality. Garrard also keeps locking himself in his room because he felt ashamed that as a man, he was not strong enough to fight David when the rape happened. Moreover, after joining the MI program, Garrard tries to accept the negative impulsive and attitude and learn to understand that his past has already happened and cannot be changed.

After successfully through the first element of self-acceptance, which accepts negative impulses and attitudes, Garrard received a positive result. His characteristic of who used to keep blaming himself because of the tragedy change into an absolver. Garrard’s characteristic change from self-blaming into self- forgiving is shown when he finally can share his past mistakes of not able to fight back and prevent the sexual assault that he considered his mistake as a homosexual and being weak, which was also his trauma and truly forgive himself.

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2. Being in Tune with One’s Behaviour

The second element of self-acceptance is being in tune with one’s behaviour which is the continuous element after the acceptance of negative impulses and behaviour. When a person is able to accept their mistakes in past, they will be able to be in tune with one’s behaviours. According to Bernard (2015), self-acceptance becomes possible through freeing oneself from social dependence and allowing one to accept oneself as she or he is or wishes to be (Bernard, 2013, p. 6). By being more open to one another, a person also can recognize their potential and improved.

Because the long path of self-acceptance journey also will effectively be helped by the helping role such as one another.

After facing difficulties in achieving the first element, Garrard continued his self-acceptance process by being in tune with his surroundings. Although Garrard did not frankly tell people that he is a homosexual, he is no longer hide or denied it in front of his closest friends. When Garrard finally can accept his negative impulse and attitude during the MI program, Garrard was closed to a senior art student at his college named Caleb, the first boy he kissed.

I’d recently attended an art exhibition for a senior art student named Caleb, a tall, broody type in paint-splattered jeans that sculpted his ass so perfectly I couldn’t help but pay attention (Conley, 2016, pp. 299-300).

Garrard met Caleb at an art exhibition held by Caleb; both were sophomores in the same university. Garrard and Caleb were friends together with David,

Charles, and Dominique. For that being time, Garrard was closest to David before he got sexual assault that made him join conversion therapy. In comparison, Garrard got closed with Caleb since they met at the art exhibitions when joining LIA.

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Besides his parents, Caleb was the only person who knows about Garrard's conversion therapy because Garrard wanted to keep this secret for himself. Even his close friends from college, Charles and Dominique, did not know about this conversion journey. However, when he was with Caleb, he can talk about everything about his life problem.

“They really fucked you up, didn’t they?” Caleb said. He could see I was shaking.“Did they tell you this is wrong?” Caleb said, leaning in. I couldn’t respond. How could I even begin to explain just how wrong my friends and family back home thought this truly was. His eyes were close now, a flickering blue. The small dorm room contracted to space between us, and I was watching him through a narrow tunnel and outside also, watching us lean closer to each other. God was watching, too, and for once, I didn’t care (Conley, 2016, p. 305). Caleb was not only a good close friend for Garrard. He encourages Garrard when no one else did and always checks on him whether or not he is fine or something that troubled Garrard’s mind. Caleb knows the struggle that Garrard through during the conversion therapy, and he just wanted to protect him. Caleb was also Garrard's first boyfriend, who finally made him feel safe for being a part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Caleb was the person that made Garrard starting to open up with one another and get through the second element of self-acceptance, which is being in tune with one’s behaviour. Furthermore, as Garrard’s companion during the self-acceptance journey, Caleb helps him develops his characteristic from quiet to expressive. Being with Caleb, Garrard was able to talk about all his opinion that he used to be afraid to tell. For example, once Garrard strutted when Brother Nelson was asked about his opinion about the conflict in the Middle East because he was afraid that his answer would reveal his sexuality and be counted as a sissy.

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Compared to that, when Garrard was with Caleb, he can talk about God like an open discussion without fear of being judged. Garrard's significant changes from quiet into expressive, also shown when he no longer hides his feeling. Garrard was not shy to shows Caleb his fragile side. He would cry if he could no longer hold the pressure from his parents about his sexuality. Moreover, Garrard’s expressive characteristic also gets better when he can stand his opinion when he talks with

Caleb about God or even random things.

Furthermore, Garrard’s expressive characteristics not only shown in front of Caleb but also in his parents. While in the past, Garrard used to be a very obedient kid who never rejected every command from his parents, after, through the stage of being in tune with one’s behaviour, he becomes an outspoken person to his parents.

Garrard’s characteristic as an outspoken person developed when he met Caleb as a friend who knows and accepts himself as a homosexual. Garrard learned about his voice that needs to be voiced and heard by his parents. For the time being, Garrard always kept his voice remind silent and agree with everything his parents suggest until there was an event in conversion therapy that triggered Garrard to showed his outspoken character to his parents.

Before finally achieving self-acceptance, individuals might be facing a hard time expressing their opinions and letting other people lead the decisions. Many people may doubt themselves and having no confidence in making good decisions.

They ask others for advice, thus robbing themselves of the benefit of feeling in control of their lives, oblivious to the fact that they actively made the decision of whether to take the advice of others (Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 39). That does

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not mean asking someone’s suggestion is bad, but if an individual continuously does it unconsciously, they let other people control themselves, and that is wrong.

However, once an individual achieves self-acceptance, they will learn to make their own decision. An individual will be braver and more outspoken to state an opinion

Garrard finally is brave enough to tell his parents that he cannot continue the therapy in LIA anymore. He called his mother to picked him up after sometimes having arguments with the LIA staff. Moreover, when Garrard’s mother arrived in

LIA and saw his son was not in good condition, she realized that this conversion therapy was wrong from the beginning. Nevertheless, after Garrard’s mother processing the situation and discussing it with the staff, she found out that LIA’s counselor was only a college degree in marriage counseling and had no master in therapy or everything related to homosexuality. Since that day, Garrard’s mother decided to agree with Garrard, and she to take him out from LIA and slowly accepted his son's homosexual orientation.

3. Renewed View of Reality

Renewed view of reality element is a stage when a person is able to accept something in oneself. Along with the second element, when a person is more open to society, they will learn to accept each personality they interact with. Carl Rogers

(1940) believed when a person is more open to society and renewed view of reality; a person will learn to accept and understand themselves (Rogers as cited in Bernard,

2013, p. 5). Garrard’s self-improvement to being in tune with a new relationship also shows positive result in the way he was open with Caleb about his life during the conversion therapy that helps him in order to suppress his stress and depression.

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According to May, self-acceptance becomes possible through freeing oneself from social dependence and allowing one to accept oneself as she or he wishes to be (May as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 6). Once a person can embrace the best in oneself and the flaws, they will stop comparing themselves to someone else.

The result of Gerrard’s being in tune with the new relationship made him understand to accept that his homosexuality is a part of himself that should not be changed. However, some people have still considered it aberrant.

Garrard always tried to obliterate his thought about the dogma he forced to be swallowed that being a homosexual is a sin. Moreover, he began to keep telling himself that nobody is perfect or born a saint.

But as Caleb placed the pipe on a nearby table, the whole thing felt so much smaller than I’d imagined: a little pipe laid gingerly on a pile of wrinkled papers, set aside for what must be the greater sin I would soon be tempted to commit on the cot. Caleb patted a space beside him on the mattress, and I joined him. I reminded myself that all sins were equal in the eyes of God (Conley, 2016, p. 304).

Garrard Conley’s process in achieving self-acceptance was much easier when he was together with Caleb. He helped Garrard to embrace every little thing, his flaws, and imperfection. The result of Gerrard’s being in tune with the new relationship made him understand to accept that God has nothing to do with his homosexual orientation. He keeps reminding himself that his homosexuality is not a sin. Moreover, if, in the end, it is really a sin, he did not care anymore because nobody is born a saint. Garrard also becoming more grateful about his life after the long journey and fully reach his self-acceptance.

The chorus of voices will grow each year, revealing decades of pain, decades lost, families torn apart, relationships ruined because people outside the ex-gay world can never understand what we patients went through. On

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Beyond Ex-Gay, a website dedicated to surveying ex-gay survivors, users will describe in painstaking detail the lasting effects of reparative therapy. It elevated sexuality from being part of my life to be the central fact of my life; everything revolved around it and my fear of it and being discovered (Conley, 2016, p. 335).

The fear of being part of the LGBTQ+ community used to befriend Garrard was no longer haunted him. Stepping one by one of the self-acceptance processes that made him finally set free from the conversion therapy made him realize that his sexuality is not a shame and sinGarrard’s fear is discovered that made him more grateful for his life renewed view with reality shown in his characteristic.

In the press, white et al. (2006) reported that those who engaged in less frequent social comparisons reported less guilt, regret, and blame, while those who compare themselves to others more often also reported more guilt, regret, and blame

(White et al., cited in Carson and Langer, 2006, p. 37). When people compare themselves to others, they focus on someone’s accomplishments and forget to improve themselves. In contrast, after an individual stop comparing themselves with one another, they will improve their skill to be the best version of themselves.

After Garrard learns to understand himself and renews his view of reality, he changes from an envious person into a self-satisfied person. The envious feeling of stigmatization and discrimination that Garrard received always made him comparing his misfortune for being a homosexual to the heterosexual’s privilege has already vanished. After a long time, he is grateful for being a homosexual, comparing himself with heterosexual people who have more privilege living in a society. Moreover, through this stage, Garrard is able to set the envious feeling free and focuses on himself.

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4. Planning New and More Satisfy Ways

The last element of self-acceptance is planning new and more satisfy ways.

Planning new and more satisfying ways is a stage when a person is entirely have accepted their past mistakes and everything in themselves, both the good and the bad side. By accepting the past mistakes, an individual will be more open to society and learn to understand themselves better. They become aware and understand their weaknesses and strengths and try to improve themselves and plan new in more satisfying ways.

When Garrard’s mother finally understood that his homosexual orientation is not an illness that needs to be cured, she decided to take him out of LIA and discontinued his conversion therapy program. When Garrard finally can be free from the conversion camp, he becomes his turning point in his self-acceptance journey. Garrard no longer needs to be pretending that his sexual orientation will be change and can genuinely accept himself as the way he wants it to be.

The result of this turning point in Garrard Conley’s process in achieving self-acceptance is that he adjusted himself to reality and planning something new and more satisfy ways. Besides the fact that Garrard understands himself better that develops his character and personality, Garrard also tries to understand his parent’s viewpoint. Therefore, Garrard is also trying to fixing his relationship with his parents by doing more communication. He would tell his mother everything that happens to him, telling her that he is getting better and doing fine. He is no longer keeps everything that troubled his mind for himself.

I’ll call my mother to ask for details, sit with her at a table and record her words, and nearly every time, one of us will end up in tears. My mother will

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apologize again and again. I will try to comfort her, but I’ll fail because all of it truly was as horrible as we remember it, and because it will never really go away, we will never be completely okay. Our family will never be what it otherwise might have been (Conley, 2016, pp. 336-337).

The fact that his parents, especially his father, who against his sexual orientation and addressed him to join LIA, might will never can be erased.

Moreover, he did not want to hold his past and put his parents in a dark box. He wanted to open a new page of his life and take his past as a life lesson of his journey.

After his mother agrees to take him out from LIA and discontinued his conversion therapy, Garrard tried to fix their relationship. Garrard, who went back to his college dormitory, always tries to stay in touch as much as possible. There might still be awkwardness between Garrard and his parents, but Garrard is willing to take the time as much as his parents want. He understands that his parents are need times to accept the fact that their son is a homosexual. Also, Garrard is thankful enough that his parents are trying to understand his decision.

Additionally, same as his mother, Garrard’s father was also trying his best to respect Garrard’s decision and accept the reality that his son is a homosexual.

Years later, I will call my father one afternoon to let him know that this book is the book I have to write, that I might not be okay if I don’t finally write it, that I won’t know who I am until I finish it. “I just want you to be happy,” my father will say, his voice tight with everything he refuses. “I really do.” And I will believe him (Conley, 2016, p. 337).

Garrard’s father finally accepts the fact that “a Baptist pastor’s son is a homosexual” after facing hard times to understand the situation. Garrard’s father is willing to take the risk of losing his job as a pastor for his son rather than losing his son for the second time. He remembers how Garrard was exhausted and depressed

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during his phase on conversion therapy, which made him attempt suicide multiple times. Those memories were enough for Garrard’s father that he does not want to lose his son for the second time.

Furthermore, Garrard Conley’s process in achieving self-acceptance by planning new and more satisfying ways shown by Garrard's effort to fix his relationship with his parents and shown by the way he improves himself. According to Rogers (1995),

As an individual accepts oneself, she or he is able to stay more open to the breadth of their experiences, thereby increasing their self-understanding. The increased self-acceptance also helps provide the confidence to speak from what one is experiencing (Rogers as cited in Bernard, 2013, p. 9).

Garrard willingness to deeply experience life, even the mundane is life, was a key characteristic for self-acceptance. Before finally reaching the last element of the self-acceptance process, an individual through the element of being in tune with one’s behaviour made them open up their closest society. Moreover, after an individual reaches the last element of the self-acceptance journey, they will have improved themselves and being more open to a bigger society.

Furthermore, Garrard’s characteristic that he keeps getting better after freeing himself from LIA increase his self-acceptance to understanding himself better that also build his confidence. The result of Garrard’s self-acceptance that impacts his self-esteem is that Garrard is ready to share his homosexual journey from the closet to the world. Garrard no longer keeps his dark times in LIA conversion therapy a secret. He wrote his challenges as a homosexual and self- acceptance journey into a beautiful memoir in order to inspire and embrace people who might be in the same shoes as his.

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She took this as a yes, the only evidence she needed to convince herself to end my therapy sessions with Love in Action. She heard yes, but I had already been given a gift that no one could ever take from me. I was alive, and I now had the benefit of knowing it. I was alive, and this was all I needed (Conley, 2016, p. 327).

Garrard finally can be the person he truly wanted to be and achieve his self- acceptance after obstacles and challenges. He believed that his life as one of the

LGBTQ+ member is a gift and every part of it need to be an embrace. Garrard is finally breath-free and alive. Therefore, reflecting on his long process in achieving self-acceptance, Garrard always grateful for everything that had happened to him and made him into a man today. Garrard also never stop to learn and improved himself to inspired and help people who might be taking the same journey as himself.

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CHAPTER V

CONCLUSION

In this chapter, the researcher reaches the conclusion of the analysis of the process of Garrard Conley in achieving self-acceptance after going through stigmatization and discrimination as homosexual in Boy Erased: A Memoir of

Identity, Faith, And Family. In this research, there are three research questions that have been discussed in the previous chapters. The first problem discovered Garrard

Conley’s description in Boy Erased. The second problem discovered Garrard

Conley’s discrimination and stigmatization as a homosexual answered with a theory of violence and discrimination against queer people and the stigma of sexuality theory. The third problem discovered the process of Garrard Conley in achieving self-acceptance as a homosexual answered by the theory of self-acceptance.

The first conclusion is about Garrard Conley's description that analyzed by using the theory of characterization by M.J Murphy in Understanding Unseen. At the beginning of the memoir, Garrard Conley is an introverted, obedient, envious, self-blaming, and suicidal person. In contrast, at the end of the memoir, he is described as an expressive and outspoken person, self-forgiving and self-satisfied person. The description of Garrard Conley is more or less the result of his environment in treating him as a homosexual. Garrard is an introverted person who keeps everything inside his head rather than telling his friends. He is also a very obedient kid to his parents, who never rejected their requests because of his guilty feeling about the rape tragedy and his homosexuality. Garrard was envied because they never get discrimination and inequality like the way he experienced it. He

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envies heterosexual people who have the chance and privileges to have good education and job. Garrard Conley is also self-blaming and suicidal. After he got sexual assault, he kept blaming himself for not fighting back and stopping the tragedy. He also has multiple suicide attempts and went to two psychiatric hospitalizations that diagnosed him with type-2 bipolar disorder.

Furthermore, at the end of the memoir, Garrard Conley is described as an expressive and outspoken person, self-forgiving, and self-satisfied person. Garrard

Conley’s expressive and outspoken characteristic is shown after he met Caleb at an art exhibition. He understands Garrard’s problems and made Garrard understands himself better. As a result, Garrard can freely express himself without worried about being judge by society. Garrard Conley is also described as an outspoken person.

He was brave enough to state his opinion and making his own decisions.

Moreover, Garrard Conley is described as a person who able to practice self- forgiveness when he finally can forgive his past. He is no longer hates himself in the past, can reveal his trauma, and stop blaming himself for not stopping the rape tragedy. Lastly, Garrard Conley’s self-satisfied characteristic is described when he stops comparing himself with heterosexual people who have more privilege living in the society. Garrard Conley no longer having an envious feeling and is focused on improving himself.

In the second conclusion, the researcher found that Garrard was facing stigmatization and discrimination that prevent him from achieving self-acceptance which are sexual stigma, family rejection, sexual assault, and social exclusion.

Sexual stigma is referred to as marginalizing, and stigmatized sexualities such as

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lesbianism and male homosexuality are associated with non-conforming gender displays; heterosexuality, on the other hand, is linked with gender conformity.

Garrard Conley is stigmatized as a pervert, monster, sinner, shameful person, and unnatural. That made Garrard Conley became an envious person and always comparing himself to those heterosexual people. Garrard Conley’s family rejection showed when his father insisted on getting out from the house or finding a way to cure his son’s sexual orientation and decided to sign Garrard to LIA, a conversion camp therapy program. The experience of family rejection made Garrard’s character powerless, leading to a self-conflict that made him very obedient and felt like being forced to do everything. Garrard was also experiencing sexual assault perpetrated by David, one of his close friends from college. The experience of sexual assault left trauma that always haunted Garrard, and he kept blaming himself for not fighting back. Moreover, this tragedy was also becoming one reason Garrard agreed to join the conversion therapy as his parents suggested. This not only caused

Garrard Conley to kept blaming himself for the rape tragedy that had happen, but he also ends up being suicidal. The last discrimination that faced by Garrard was social exclusion. Social exclusion is one of the effects of sexual stigmatization from society. Because of Garrard Conley’s homosexuality, he was being excluded from his college friend and his neighbourhood. Society’s exclusion made him feel less and powerless so that they tend to be silent. The experienced of being excluded by society made Garrard Conley into a quiet person.

The third conclusion is the process of Garrard Conley in achieving self- acceptance. Through the acceptance of negative impulses and attitude Garrard be

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able to learn and understand his past mistakes of not able to fight back and prevent the sexual assault that he considered his mistake as a homosexual and being weak.

By attending the MI program in LIA, Garrard tries to share his most traumatic event to let go of the burdens and forgiving himself. The acceptance of negative impulses and attitude also have a big effect on Garrard. After understanding that the tragedy has had happened and cannot be changed, Garrard turns into a self-absolution person. Through being in tune with one’s behaviour, Garrard started to be more open to new people. He was more open to Caleb, his first boyfriend, who was also one of his close friends in college, who made Garrard’s characteristic from quiet to be more expressive. He also becomes an outspoken person to his parents by being brave enough to state his opinion and make his own decisions. The third element of the self-acceptance journey is the renewed view of reality. He keeps telling himself that his sexuality is not a sin, unnatural, or shameful, and he embraced himself by stop thinking about society stigmatization of his sexuality. Garrard also becoming more grateful about his life after the long process and fully reach his self- acceptance. He changes from an envious person into a self-satisfied person.

Moreover, through this element, Garrard is able to set the envious feeling free and focuses on himself. The last element of self-acceptance is planning new and more satisfy ways. When Garrard finally can be free from the conversion camp, that was also becoming his turning point in his self-acceptance journey. Garrard no longer has to pretend that his sexual orientation needs to be cured, and he can be truly accepted as the way he wants it to be. Garrard is also trying to understand his parent’s viewpoint and trying to fixing his relationship with his parents by doing

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more communication. Furthermore, Garrard’s getting better after freeing himself from LIA increases his self-acceptance to understand himself better and build his confidence.

Lastly, Garrard Conley’s reason to wrote Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity,

Faith, And Family is not only to share his traumatic story in LIA conversion therapy. More than that, the memoir carried a significant moral value of embracing identity and the importance of compassion. A family, which likely a home, plays a big part in an individual process in embracing their identity and achieving self- acceptance because although the surrounding affects the process if an individual received support from family, they would not left suffer and prevent the process of self-acceptance. On the other hand, those who are not receiving support will hardly achieve self-acceptance. They experience stigmatization and discrimination that oppress their self-esteem and lead to negative effects and prevent self-acceptance.

Moreover, through this memoir, Garrard Conley wanted to tell that being different in a society is not harmful, and the existence of conversion therapy only contains toxic masculinity.

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