Why 25 Days?
Why 25 days and not 31 or 365, like other couples’ devotionals you may have seen?
Research shows that many married couples may find daily material overwhelming. They need time to process, to implement the things they are learning into their relationship.
The devotionals in this book, which can be done weekly or at any chosen pace, are specifically guided to what couples say they most need.
Feel free to use your “extra” time to study, to pray together, to reflect, or to just have fun together as a couple!
Day 1: Leave—Forsake Dependence Upon יַֽעֲזָב־
Several years ago, Christy and I counseled a couple both prior to and during the early stages of their marriage. The wife would regularly find fault with her husband’s family, primarily with the ways in which they related to one another. She felt that her husband needed to separate himself from the way his family related to each other by aggressively confronting them each time that they were--in her opinion-- out of line. Her accusations left her husband feeling regularly defeated. Further counseling uncovered that she herself had patterns from her own parents that needed addressing as well! In fact, neither spouse was doing a good job of leaving behind patterns from their families of origin.
According to recent research, this current generation of young people still wants to get married. However, there are other priorities that come first:
Barna Group; David Kim (2014-01-06). 20 and Something (Frames Series), eBook: Have the Time of Your Life (And Figure It All Out Too). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.
What if the core issue of becoming a fully developed person or financially established was less a function of personal development and more a function of nuclear family dynamics?
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife (Genesis 2:24)
Establishing healthy nuclear family dynamics, particularly related to leaving a person’s parents in the Hebraic sense, is vital for achieving this generation’s personal goals as well as marital success.
“Leaving” doesn’t seem to fit when discussing marriage. Marriage, after all, is about relationships coming together. Two people and two families being joined together. Friends of the two people coming together on the wedding day itself, and perhaps many times after the wedding day.
Leaving, on the other hand, is more associated with negative relational interactions: “I’m devastated-- my wife is leaving me.” “The last of my kids have left home and I’m lonely.” “My friend’s husband has accepted another job—they’ll be leaving in a month.”
But in the context of early marriage, leaving can be associated with a positive relational interaction. In fact, by leaving the positive relationship of a person’s father and mother, that individual is opening up many more possibilities for more positive relationships - positive father-in-law - son or daughter in law relationships, and positive mother-in-law - son or daughter in law relationships. So by obeying this most basic command, the outcome is not loss, nor even a zero-sum game, but gain. This is the brilliance of God’s economy.
But, you might say, by leaving – don’t the parents lose a child? No! Because “leave” here in the ancient Hebrew does not mean to depart, it means to forsake dependence upon. Those are two very different meanings. Let us examine them further.
In his book, Intimate Allies (Tyndale House, 1999), Dan Allender makes the statement that in his experience, he can trace 90 percent of marital discord to a failure to leave. The word leave from the biblical text above means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents and toward your spouse.
So how do you know if you have truly done this?
In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller says: • You haven’t left mom and dad if you are more driven by their wishes and expectations than by your spouse’s. • You can also fail to leave them if you hate or resent them too much. • If you rigidly impose the patterns of your family of origin rather than working together to create new ones that fit both of you, you haven’t truly left home yet.
Question: Pause here and take time to consider the above. Of those 3 bullet points, which one best describes your current relationship with your mom and dad?
Day 2: Stuck?
Building on the family of origin concept from yesterday, let’s look at a New Testament passage that provides good news for anyone stuck in that kind of vicious cycle.
…Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. (1 Peter 1:18-19 ESV)
This is great news! This means if you have not only failed to forsake dependence upon father and mother, but you also recognize inherited, unhealthy relational patterns, then you are not a hopeless victim of your past. If you have been ransomed into the family of God, there has been a change in the overall governmental structure of your life. You are no longer a slave to sin; you are now a child of God.
Scripture is very clear: to all who appropriate Him (Jesus), He has given them the legal right to become a child of God (John 1:12). And if you are a child, then you are also an heir (Romans 8:17) inheriting good things from a new family—God’s family. You no longer have to worry about inheriting futility from your family of origin but you can look forward to God training you as a son or daughter to experience an entirely new quality of life: the abundant life God prepared for you.
Make Chart: Take time to draw out the futile ways inherited vs the inheritance you have as a child of God.
Futile Ways Inherited Inheritance as child of God
Day 3: Experiencing Abundant Life in Marriage: Addressing Chaos (Part 1)
The problem, of course, is that for many of us--we pray a prayer at some point in our past, and we assume that everything in life will now be hassle free. After all, Jesus did defeat our adversary the devil - so if he’s off our backs, and we’re going to heaven, then we should be able to waltz through life, right?
Then we get married, and can start feeling like parts of our spouse’s life and personality belong to that afore-mentioned adversary that Jesus defeated. Or we might conclude something like this - ‘it’s not my spouse, it’s his or her family - they’re the bad guys causing us problems’.
Not so fast.
Let’s back up before our “leave and cleave” passage to see if we can find some help. The Bible begins by saying that “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and that the earth was formless and void.” Into that condition, God said “let there be light.”
The Hebrew for ‘formless and void’ means chaos. So God shed His light into chaos. And what we see in the creation narrative is a progressive organization of the chaos. A friend of mine says that we are to move in the trajectory we see in Genesis 1: from chaos to creation, and from creation to cathedral. The alternative, of course, is that we follow a cathedral to creation - creation back to chaos trajectory, which is not how God designed us to live. He has given us His light that we might see the chaos in our lives for what it is, and to partner with Him in subduing it.
Questions: What part of your life is currently in chaos? How would God’s light transform that state of chaos? How is your personal chaos affecting your marriage?
Day 4: Experiencing Abundant Life in Marriage: In God’s Image (Part 2)
After God began organizing chaos, He created different things - trees, birds, and so on. It was a glorious creation! But according to Scripture, the crown jewels of His creation came in Genesis 1:26-27 when God said, ‘Let us make man in our own image and in our likeness’.
The ‘Us’ here is the same community of Persons that were involved in creation: God the Father (who spoke creation into being), God the Son (Word of God - Agent of Creation), God the Spirit (who was hovering over the surface of the deep).
Why does it matter that you were created in that image? Of what relevance does it have to your marriage?
You would be hard pressed to find something more relevant to your marriage. It deeply matters that you were created in that image. When we see the abundant life of the Godhead (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), and the way that they relate with one another, we recognize that there is no higher love, no deeper intimacy, no greater joy - than what is shared by God.
Admittedly, it is quite challenging to wrap your head around what theologians call the Trinity, but don’t get lost in mental gymnastics. Instead, recognize that if you want to have a loving, intimate, joy-filled marriage, (who doesn’t?) then it will begin with God as the source. When we don’t find our source in who God is, but who we are or who our spouse is, we are drawing on a finite source of love, intimacy, and joy. But when we find our source for life in God’s infinite source of love, intimacy and joy, then we begin to experience the abundant life He created for us.
Questions: What is my source? How do I draw on that source for life? Am I experiencing the abundant life of love, intimacy and joy that exists in the Person of God? If I am not, as you look to who God is, what stands out to you? What revelation of God might help you experience more of the abundant life He created for you?
Day 5: Experiencing Abundant Life in Marriage: Friendship and Intimacy (Part 3)
Your marriage will flourish as you begin to understand whose image that you have been created in, and whose image your spouse has been created in, and how you each bear that image uniquely as a male or female.
Christy and I set goals at the beginning of each season. And my goal for our second year of marriage was to commune with God more - together with her. She looked at me, trying to hold back laughter, (which she failed to do) and said, “What on earth does it mean to commune with God together?” I said, “You know, like, commune….” I was at a loss for words. A decade later, I found the language that I would have needed during that conversation (pardon if the theological terminology is a bit dense—I’m a theologian and can’t help it.).
“The theological tradition has viewed the indwelling as fellowship. John of Damascus, who was influential in developing the doctrine of the perichoresis, described it as a ‘cleaving together.’ Such is the fellowship in the Godhead that the Father and the Son not only embrace each other, but they also enter into each other, permeate each other, and dwell in each other. One in being, they are also always one in the intimacy of their friendship.”
Baxter Kruger adds to this definition by saying, “That is a rather good definition of perichoresis. However, it is a bit technical, lacking warmth, which I think should be a major component of the definition. While it is true the Father, Son and Spirit cleave together, permeate each other, dwell in each other and are always one in the intimacy of their friendship, that just scratches the surface of their intimacy and relationship. For the Father loves the Son in the fellowship and love of the Spirit, and the Son loves the Father in the fellowship and love of the Spirit. Each person of the Trinity loves the other with a love that is unsurpassable. Each person of the Trinity is filled with a joy inexpressible in the others. They are at peace with each other. They like each other. There are no shadows between them. No hiding and nothing hidden. No secrets. Such is their unity of love, fellowship and joy, the only way to describe them is to say they are one.” (Perichoresis.org website)
The Trinity This revelation should make you shout for joy! That is who God is - that is what He is like! He is about friendship and intimacy and relationship and peace and joy and unity. Is that how you see Him?
Question: What is your primary revelation of God? How does your revelation of who God is affect the way you relate with your spouse?
Day 6: Experiencing Incalculable Intimacy in Marriage (Part 4)
Now that we begin to see a glimpse of who God is and how He relates to Himself and us, we begin to see what this revelation might hold for our marriage relationships. If that is the image into which I have been made, and that is the relational image into which my spouse has been made, then the growth potential of our intimacy is incalculable.
But let’s be honest. Right now while you are reading this, you have many reasons in your mind of why the intimacy potential in your marriage is quite calculable. Those reasonings are based on human limitations and dismissive arguments that make any type of growth or change dependent on your power or ability to change, or your spouse’s power or ability to change. But that is a mindset that we need to leave/forsake dependence upon. Oftentimes in our families of origin, we learn to trust self-strength to such a degree that self-strength for change becomes the default. So even after beginning to discover who God is and as we become followers of Jesus, our mode of operating is still self-strength. That is a primary area that we all need to leave/forsake dependence upon, as God continues to renew us into His image:
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.(Colossians 3:10 ESV)
He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. Rom 8.29 MSG
This is what God is after in your life and in your marriage. This is what He has been after - this is His agenda. And it involves a death - primarily a death to self-strength and self-effort, casting down self as a functional deity in your own life.
Are you ready to leave your old way of relating with your spouse? It is going to begin by leaving your old way of relating - or not relating - with God. And the good news is that this process does not involve more self-strength, where you have to try and control your life. This new way of life is about surrendering control of your life, and learning to receive a free gift from God:
But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:15- 17 ESV)
Let’s pray about this free gift:
Father (just say it out loud even if it feels strange) - I like gifts, and I like gifts that are free. I want to receive this abundance that I just read. Would you teach me to walk according to this free gift and not according to my self-strength. I think it would help me and my marriage. I choose to receive Your love, and I choose to believe that You are about friendship and intimacy and relationship and peace and joy and unity. Thank You for what You are doing in my life that I cannot see right now. Amen.
As you become accustomed to receiving God’s free gift of love, you are going to be able to relate with your spouse in entirely different ways - deep, intimate, selfless, gift-giving ways. We will talk more about that in the next chapter: Cleave.
Day 7: Cleave: To be Glued To דָּבֵק
Women are complicated and usually expect a level of commitment in exchange for sexual favors. William M. Struthers. Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Kindle Locations 612-613). Kindle Edition.
“Sexual desire doesn’t begin to be released on the altar the second after you say “I do.” It begins in the womb and grows irregularly and progressively through our lifetime until death, and from childhood until death this journey is fraught with turns, twists, disasters, failure, and growth. Second, sexual desire is meant to become more holy and whole the longer we live.” (Allender, Dan B.; Longman, Tremper III (2014-10-28). God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness (p. 3). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.)
We live in a “cleave” culture. Our culture invites people to cleave themselves to others. And there is nothing wrong with this - in fact, there is everything right with this, barring that the cleaving is done in
the context of covenant (more on that in a moment) commitment. Why? Because that covenant context provides the safety for someone to be vulnerably bonded to another person. It is a beautiful and loving design by God. Followers of Jesus are therefore sex-positive, seeing marital intimacy as a gift from God to be received and celebrated with joy.
A great problem, however, is that people are not taught before marriage how to cleave to another person in a healthy way. As a result, many people enter marriage having already cleaved themselves to others spiritually, emotionally, physically and relationally. Our culture communicates that this is normal and that relational bonding “experimentation” is actually the responsible action before a lifelong commitment. Quite frankly, that philosophy is what the Bible calls a doctrine of demons (1 Tim 4.1), not to mention it being a recipe for hurt and pain.
Presently in Europe, we see the most marked contrast of a decline of marriage with an explosion of cohabitation. And as we see in the infographic above, America follows European social trends. The good
news of Scripture: God has a better way to do things than what our culture teaches. As mentioned above, Scripture teaches that cleaving should happen in a covenant context.
Questions: As you read the above, is there a particular relationship that comes to mind? Perhaps a relationship that you joined yourself to – in a way that might be hindering the current level of bonding with your spouse?
Day 8: Covenant
“Dennis Rainey, a well known Christian family life speaker, writes that: ‘For the past years I have had a growing concern that the Christian community has passively watched the ‘dumbing down’ of the marriage covenant. Marriage has become little more than an upgraded social contract between two people—not a holy covenant between a man and a woman and their God for a lifetime. In the Old Testament days, a covenant was solemn and binding. When two people entered into a covenant with one another, a goat or lamb would be slain and its carcass would be cut in half. With the two halves separated and lying on the ground, the two people who had formed the covenant would solemnize their promise by walking between the two halves saying, ‘May God do so to me [cut me in half] if I ever break this covenant with you and God!’ You get the feeling that a covenant in those days had just a little more substance than today." (The Covenant of Marriage).
Why is covenant important? Tim Keller writes that, “Studies reveal that two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy marriages within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. What can keep couples together during the rough patches? The vows.” (Keller, p.91) In short, the answer is covenant.
Covenant as defined by the Scriptures is a solemn and binding relationship which is meant to last a life time. The paradox of God’s creation of marriage is that freedom comes from the binding nature of a covenant relationship. It might seem the opposite, which is why we have a world full of people who describe marriage as a ‘ball and chain’. A ball and chain obviously illustrates bondage to the degree of being in a prison. But prison-living is the opposite of what a true covenant marriage produces. A covenant marriage produces freedom from the prison of self-absorption, as it calls the parties to sacrifice self for their spouse. In so doing, a transfer transpires – from love of self to love of another. When both parties operate in this way, the marriage correspondingly experiences a wonderful freedom, wrought from the security of a binding covenant relationship.
People are no longer familiar with the nature of covenants: Covenants establish relationships publicly and create accountability. If two people are simply living together, either partner may abandon the other without accountability. The covenant involves a promise to obey God and to be faithful—and also involves a curse: “May God judge me if I break this pledge.”
People avoid the covenant of marriage because they want to have irresponsible relationships, but such relationships are hazardous to human life. God has created us so that we blossom as human beings when we conform to God’s covenantal structures. When we live irresponsibly, we destroy ourselves and others. Living by covenants is God’s method to anchor our lives and provide security against the prevailing cultural disintegration.
Questions: How do you view your marriage covenant – as solemn and binding, or something else? Why or why not?
Day 9: A Sacred Bond: From Biblical times to Our Own
“Calvin described marriage as ‘a sacred bond’, ‘a holy fellowship’, ‘a divine partnership’, ‘a loving association’, ‘a heavenly calling’, ‘the fountainhead of life’, ‘the holiest kind of company in all the world’, ‘the principal and most sacred….of all the offices pertaining to human society’ (Witte, 109). This ran counter to his culture’s treatment of marriage: What else was to check the growing marital and sexual license in Geneva about which Calvin and other pastors complained bitterly: the sharp increases in adultery, desertion, and discord within the home; the escalation of fornication, harlotry, and sumptuousness outside the home; the rapid exploitation of the new rights of divorce and remarriage by the Genevan elite; the sharp increases in ribaldry of music and literature and lewdness of manner and speech among the youth” (Witte, 93).
It is not hard to see that the cultural problems Calvin addressed are akin to our own. But forces have been at work long before our day that have been hostile to marriage. Calvin’s historical setting was sandwiched by the late Medieval period and the early Enlightenment period. See below at how cultural influences were at work to shape the philosophical underpinnings of marriage as an institution.
Medieval During the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, theological and legal sources taught that marriage was conceived 1. As a created institution, natural association, subject to the laws of nature 2. As a consensual contract, subject to the general laws of contract 3. As a sacrament of faith, subject to the spiritual laws of the church. (23)
Reformation Three centuries later, Calvin elaborated on the purpose of the marriage covenant. Most importantly, “he urged that married couples retain a healthy sex life, even after their childbearing years. Husband and wife should not withhold sex from the other. The traditional option of maintaining a sexless ‘spiritual marriage’ was anathema to Calvin” (Witte, 107).But this would change.
Enlightenment Enlightenment tradition countered Calvin’s conception of covenant marriage by asserting a new theology of deism, individualism, and rationalism, saying that
1. God was no longer to be viewed as an active agent in the daily affairs of human beings, including their daily marital lives. 2. The individual was no longer to be viewed primarily as a sinner seeking eternal salvation. Each individual, according to their theology, was created equal in virtue and dignity, vested with inherent rights of life, liberty and property. 3. Reason was no longer to be viewed as the handmaiden of revelation; rational disputation was longer to be subordinated to homiletic declaration (preaching). (197)
So from the late medieval, through the Reformation, and into the Enlightenment – covenant marriage underwent significant theological and philosophical assault. The result for your marriage? Enormous. Scripture teaches that God is at work in you (Phil 2), and by extension, God is at work in your marriage. This is great news, running counter to Enlightenment thinking, as it provides hope for your marriage beyond the limited hope based on the inherent rights of the individual. And the hope provided in God being at work in you and in your marriage is in large measure found in the gift of covenant.
Question: For your marriage, what aspects of Enlightenment theology might be helpful to discard?
Day 10: Covenant Symbols: An End to Independent Living
Wedding ceremonies use covenant symbols, for example rings, but covenant symbols are not consigned to weddings alone. Scripture employs many covenant symbols, here are a few that have special significance for marriage:
1. Two lives become one: In covenant you become identified with the other individual and there is a supernatural joining of two lives.(two becoming one flesh) "is a mystery but it is an illustration of the way Christ & the church are one." (Eph. 5:32 NLT)
2. There is a covenant partner to defend: We see this principle of covenant vividly illustrated in the covenant David made with Jonathan.
3. Exchange of Robes (David and Jonathan): Symbolically taking on the identity of your covenant partner = Death to self. Two become one; end to independent living.
What does this covenant communicate for our marriages? David and Jonathan’s covenant was saying that "Because you and I are no longer living independent lives, but are in covenant-and because covenant is the most solemn, binding agreement that can be made between two parties-I am bound by covenant to defend you from your enemies. Those who attack you become my enemies." Because of their covenant, which was binding unto death, Jonathan committed to defend David at all costs.
And so we see that Scripture clearly teaches that those in covenant are responsible to defend their covenant partner. How much more important could this be than in the covenant of marriage in a culture which has lost this truth?
Questions: Are you primarily defending your covenant partner or attacking/accusing them? Which aspect of covenant listed above hits home with you the most? Why? How could you incorporate that truth into your marriage?
Day 11: Breaking and Establishing Unions
So what should you do if you find yourself in a covenant context but still find that you are not free of prior, hurtful relational bonding that has occurred?
Remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master’s body. You wouldn’t take the Master’s body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not! 1 Cor. 6.15-20 (MSG). There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin: Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God- given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body. Union with Christ. In chapter 1 we discussed the concept of God’s union with Himself in the Godhead, and the fact that we were created in His image, therefore possessing the capacity for union with Himself and with others.
Union with your spouse. We have discussed above the different aspects of covenant. If you are married, you are in a covenant with your spouse, God having united you to your spouse in a way that you are now one in God’s eyes (even if you do not feel like it in your marriage).
Unholy Union with others. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact Becoming one flesh with a prostitute was contextual to the problem Paul was addressing in Corinth. In short, pagan worship at Corinth included sexual union with temple prostitutes. This was not a practice unique to Corinth, whose ribaldry was so famous that they coined the term “corinthianize” to denote the debased debauchery dabbled in by its citizens. But the principle, the ability to unite in an unholy union, is a general principle that can be applied broadly.
Let’s be honest - we live at a time in history that is experiencing unprecedented sexual brokenness. Sexual encounters with different people have become normalized and we have become culturally desensitized. But God’s original intent for sexual bonding occurring exclusively within the safety of a covenant relationship hasn’t changed. So with all of the sexual indiscretion that occurs outside of a covenant relationship, what is a person to do?
Unhitch your wagon: Breaking Unhealthy Relational Bonds If you find yourself unable to form a deep, intimate bond with your spouse, there are reasons for that; you may want to pay attention here. The good news is that God has something better for you.
What is an unhealthy relational bond? Any type of bond you have created with another person - spiritual, sexual, emotional - that has bound you to them.
How does an unhealthy relational bond form? These unhealthy bonds form in different ways. ● Spiritual. When you pray to God with another person, you are developing a spiritual bond with them. This can be positive or negative. You can also form an unhealthy bond by involving yourself in spiritual darkness like the occult. ● Sexual. When you have sex with another person, you form a bond with them. When you have sex with a person outside of a covenant marriage, you form an unhealthy bond.
● Emotional. When you become overly dependent on a person for support, affirmation, identity, security, etc. - you form an unhealthy bond.
How does an unhealthy relational bond get broken? You break free from unhealthy relational bonds by confession, repentance and forgiveness. This means that you bring the unhealthy bond out of hiddenness and darkness into the light by telling someone else about it, and taking responsibility for it. Simply exposing darkness to light is very powerful:
Don’t waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It’s a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how “attractive” they look in the light of Christ. Eph 5.15-16 MSG
Next, you repent. You change your mind related to this and change the direction of your life. You ask God to forgive the choice you made, or you choose to forgive the person who may have violated you in forming this unhealthy relational bond. With the weapons of confession, repentance and forgiveness, God has made it possible for you to break free from unhealthy relational bonds.
How do I form healthy relational bonds with my spouse? Breaking free from unhealthy relational bonds is actually a primary way to begin forming healthy relational bonds with your spouse. I am not saying that it will be automatic, but you should expect to see significant transformation in your depth of bonding with your spouse when you begin to take seriously the unhealthy relational bonds from your past. The next devotional will build on this concept as we discuss the concept of being one flesh.
Day 12: Becoming One Flesh: An Anatomy Lesson
אֶחָֽד׃לְבָשָׂ֥ר
“Marriage is, of its essence, a comprehensive union: a union of will (by consent) and body (by sexual union); inherently ordered to procreation and thus the broad sharing of family life; and calling for permanent and exclusive commitment, whatever the spouses’ preferences.” Girgis, Sherif; Anderson, Ryan T; George, Robert P (2012-11-27). What Is Marriage?: Man and Woman: A Defense (p. 6). Encounter Books. Kindle Edition.
“A newer interpretation of marriage teaches that marriage is about emotional union and cohabitation, without any inherent connections to bodily union or family life.” Girgis, Sherif; Anderson, Ryan T; George, Robert P (2012-11-27). What Is Marriage?: Man and Woman: A Defense (p. 8). Encounter Books. Kindle Edition.
After we have forsaken dependence upon father and mother, and have broken soul ties with unhealthy relational bonds from our past, we are able to fully become one flesh with our spouse. Because God wired our bodies to become one flesh, we possess an incredible capacity for unbelievable intimacy.
But, not so fast! With that capacity comes a responsibility, and overlooking this responsibility can diminish your intimate capacity.
As a child, you may have grown up singing: “the knee bone’s connected to the - leg bone. The leg bone’s connected to the - ankle bone,” and so on. Our bodies are obviously connected, but an overlooked bodily connection is between the brain and the libido. This is where responsibility comes in: if we are to become one flesh with our spouse, then we must interact responsibly with one another - let us start by considering the brain.
Women’s Brains Women are auditory and kinesthetic, and these areas are directly wired to a woman’s brain. Therefore, men have an intimacy responsibility to speak kindly and in an affirming way to their wives, as well as to lovingly touch their wives, especially non-sexually; men generally do not have a problem touching their wives sexually, but non-sexual touch is a different story.
Additionally, men can very easily bark commands at their wives, but releasing kindness and encouragement to their hearts can be more challenging. Here is the point related to becoming one flesh: women’s brains remember these things. Women remember the words they have heard and they remember the touch they have received or not received. Those memories become kindling for physical intimacy or those memories become buckets of cold water. Men, it is your choice. You can go spend time, energy and resources searching for the latest aphrodisiac - but you would be better served by recognizing how God has designed your wife’s brain and responding to her in kind and loving ways with your words and with your touch.
Men’s Brains By contrast, men’s brains are wired differently. In men, the optic nerve runs straight through the medial pre-optic nucleus of hypothalamus to the occipital lobe. What this means is that for men, their brain first says (about any object), ‘is there anything about it that turns me on’?
Furthermore, the medial pre-optic nucleus is habit forming. This anatomical reality explains some of the visual sexual bondages that men are more susceptible to than women.
The Orgasm Connection When a man experiences orgasm, it matters what the object in that person’s visual field is. Studies have shown that men can develop sexual fetishes for objects that would not normally have a sexual appeal. For example, one man developed a shoe fetish. The sight of shoes triggered a sexual response. Working with a counselor, the man discovered that he would stare at his shoes beside his bed when he masturbate to orgasm, an act which eventually developed into a full-blown shoe fetish tied to orgasm. The point is that the combination of men being primarily visual in their sexual connection, paired with the power of orgasm, is very illustrative.
We learn two things from this illustration, one positive, one negative:
• The positive power for sexual bonding between a husband and wife occurs when the man’s visual focus at the time of orgasm is his wife.
• The negative power of sexual bondage can take place when a man’s visual focus at the time of orgasm is an image that is not his wife.
Questions: How does your different neural wiring cause conflict in your marriage? What is one piece of information above that might help you understand your spouse better?
Day 13: Becoming One Amidst Unique Differences.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27 ESV)
The Image of God. You have been made in God’s image with a capacity for oneness in marriage. This is to the glory of God, as it reflects His Personhood. This does not sacrifice your unique identity as a child of God, but rather enhances it, giving a deeper and richer dimension as you also identify as ‘one flesh’ before God.
Your “one flesh” categorization does not mean that you think alike on every issue, or that you have the same preferences. But it does suggest that amidst your unique differences, that you are always looking for how to come together, not how to polarize the other. We hear many couples say, “I just don’t understand x, y or z about my spouse.” And we say, “that’s fine.” You don’t have to fully understand every reason or every motive behind your spouse’s words or actions.
Christy still doesn’t understand why I over-exaggerate every time I get hurt, howling atop my lungs and writhing in pain for a few seconds before casually moving on with life. But now we laugh about this great difference between the two of us. I still don’t understand the travel-packing decisions that Christy makes, but I have decided to celebrate the fact that she is prepared for rain or shine, flood or famine. She will never be like me, I will never be like her - and yet we are one flesh and are continuing to look for ways to celebrate these differences, not use them to polarize the other.
Questions: What are the unique differences between yourself and your spouse? How can you begin to celebrate those unique differences as you work towards this one flesh relationship?
Day 14: Naked: Vulnerability
עֲרוּמִּ֔ים
Sex is not only sensual and physical; it is also profoundly personal and spiritual. (Allender, Dan B.; Longman, Tremper III, God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness)
Being naked with your spouse has many dimensions of vulnerability, sex being one of those dimensions but not the only one.
Brené Brown says this related to vulnerability: “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”
Don’t you love when someone is brave, and shares vulnerably about some aspect of their life? People that do so gain the trust of others, and conversely those who do not share vulnerably do not engender trust with others. So why don’t people share themselves nakedly and vulnerably with others? At the core, there is a lack of assurance that they will be accepted and liked. The fear is that they will be rejected and disliked. The fear is founded upon a lifetime of experiences – in the junior high cafeteria, on the elementary school playground, and even in a child’s home with a mom or dad. The learned behavior of far too many children is that who they really are must be held close to the chest, and so life becomes more like a poker match filled with suspicion; this type of living wages war against God’s design of marriage to include naked vulnerability.
Question: Do you allow your most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known by your spouse or anyone else?
Day 15: The Nakedness of the Cross
When Jesus was lifted up on the cross, He was exposed and vulnerable. And this was not just the near- physical nakedness that we understand accompanied His crucifixion - it was much deeper. It was the nakedness of His divine rights being stripped away by human authority, but on another level, surrendered by His own authority (John 10:18).
He permitted Himself to be identified as something that He was, King of the Jews, but in a mocking manner. This was nakedness of rights.
He permitted Himself to be identified with criminals, which He was not, but whom He was comfortable ‘becoming’. This also was nakedness of rights.
If Jesus chose a life of vulnerability and nakedness of rights, and we are created in His image, how would that change how we interact in our marriage?
As Americans, we hold to certain unalienable rights. The pursuit of happiness is wrapped up in this national declaration. At times in marriage, however, we hold so dearly to this unalienable right to pursue our own happiness that we can end up in a ditch. Jesus’ example of the nakedness of the cross, of the denying of His rights, provides a counter-cultural example for us which can transform our lives and our marriage.
Question: What right do you hold to in your marriage that if you were to surrender it, just might transform your marriage?
Day 16: Naked before the Eyes of Others: God and Your Spouse
Hebrews 4.13 says we are laid bare (naked) before the eyes of Him with whom we must deal. In the previous verse, we find that:
Verse 12: He judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. How? Verse 12a: His word, like the priest’s sword, separates at a depth that no one else and nothing else can.
This “separating” work is the way to the type of nakedness that you were ultimately designed for as an individual, and that will be the biggest blessing to your marriage.
Have you and are you allowing God’s word to arbitrate over your heart’s thoughts and intentions? How could you do so today?
As humans, we are pretty good at justifying our choices and behaviors. When speaking to a group of Pharisees, Jesus put it this way:
And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. (Lk 16.15)
Like the Pharisees, many times we are able to fly under the radar. But when we are married, we have another set of eyes and another perspective on our choices and behaviors- and this can feel threatening and even stifling. But I want to challenge you to invite those eyes and those perspectives, rather than resisting them. You have blind spots that necessitate another set of eyes and another perspective. And ultimately, when you understand that God has given those eyes and that perspective for your good, to mature you, they can become a source of celebration.
Question: What perspective on your life that your spouse has provided could you celebrate today?
Day 17: A challenge to a naked marriage: Self-Deception
Without God’s work laying you naked before Him, and giving you the opportunity to righteously expose yourself to others, you will live a life of self-deception.
Why does that matter?
A life of self-deception, over time, creates a false identity - and your spouse married the “you” they met, not the potential you that is created through self deception. That doesn’t sound too fair, nor too desirable, to me. But God has a better way - it is called nakedness.
Our foundational Scripture has been Gen 2.24-25, which ends with, ‘and they were naked and unashamed’. The only way. Let me repeat. The only way to arrive at the shores of God’s original intent, is to sail the vessel of Hebrews 4.12. Without the truth of Hebrews 4.12 at work in your life, and in your marriage, you will run to other things outside the will of God, in a brazen attempt to satisfy the longing to live naked. You were made to live naked, in the fullest sense of the word.
Whenever people in Scripture decided not to live naked before God and others, things did not go well. ● Consider Moses, murdering the Midianite. ● Consider Achan, burying banned treasure items in his tent. ● Consider Saul, sparing Agag—and the disastrous results! ● Consider Ananias and Saphira, keeping back a portion of their real estate sale.
Each of these men and women were given the opportunity, by grace, to come clean and live “naked”: ● Moses fled ● Achan died ● Saul lost his leadership, then his life ● Anananias and Saphira perished
You get the idea - not living nakedly, or transparently, leads to loss. Now look at examples where people chose to live nakedly.
Consider David, initially concealing his adultery through murder. He would lose a child and almost his kingdom through his son Absalom’s rebellion. But the telling part of David’s life was that he allowed the truth of Hebrews 4.12 to be operative in his life, though he lived centuries before it was written. The evidence that we have regarding David’s life shows us a man committed to living not perfectly, but nakedly. In stark contrast to his predecessor, Saul, who was plagued by self-deception (See 1 Sam 15 - I did God’s will….)
Prayer of David: Ps 139.23-24. Search me and try me. See if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.
Those are the words of a man who lived nakedly; therefore he was free from self-deception.
Questions: How about you? How free are you from self-deception? How much do you find yourself blaming your spouse for problems, rather than allowing Hebrews 4.12 to penetrate your being to show you your part?
Day 18: Exposed to God’s Light
We have seen that our marriages need the activity of Hebrews 4.12 at work in our lives - that we can live nakedly as were designed to live.
Ephesians 5.11-13 helps us here. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, rather expose them….All things become visible when exposed by the light, because everything that becomes visible is light. What is the context? ● Walking in love (v.1) ● Free from deception (v.6) through empty words ● and walking in your identity - in this passage - Light in the Lord (v.8)
Sin (unfruitful deeds of darkness) deceives and kills (Rom 7:11) - God’s light heals and transforms (Eph 4- 5). Another human problem is loving darkness rather than light.
And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. (John 3:19 ESV)
Question: What area of darkness in your life needs to be exposed to God’s light that you might live nakedly in your marriage?
Day 19: Jesus Is Our Interpretive Grid, Not Religion
The eye is the lamp of the body; so if your eye is clear (healthy), your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! (Mt 6.22-23)
Commentators take different approaches with this passage from the Sermon on the Mount. Contextually, it comes in Jesus’ discussion regarding treasure, and not serving the two masters of God and wealth - and is a transition into a whole section on worry (For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life…)
In its broader context, Jesus was using the Beatitudes to correct the misinformation that had been disseminated by the religious power brokers: Sadducees, Pharisees, and Zealots. He then continued to correct poor rabbinical interpretation that had become widely accepted: “you have heard it said x, y, z but I tell you…”
● We need to allow God’s word itself to be the loudest voice in our lives, not the interpretations of the most powerful cultural and religious voices in our day.
○ Marital Example: No Fault Divorce vs viewing marriage as a solemn and binding covenant
● We need to allow Jesus to re-interpret Scripture for us so that we have personal revelation, not borrowed information.
○ Marital Example: Hand-Me-Down information related to marital intimacy vs personal revelation leading to personal conviction related to marital intimacy
If we will commit to this Scriptural discovery process in simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ, we will be protected from not living nakedly because of deception.
2 Cor 11.3. I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your mind will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.
Question: Where is a “religious” understanding of Scripture hindering our marriage?
Day 20: Jesus Sets People Free
To live nakedly in marriage, we need to utilize the powerful spiritual resources at our disposal.
Though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses (strongholds). We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Cor 10.3-5).
A stronghold is a vain imagination, plain and simple. These strongholds are rightfully called fortresses in the NASB because of their fortified position in our minds. Just as verse 5 shows these thoughts/philosophies/speculations can be destroyed, they can also go undetected and therefore undisturbed. It is time that your marriage experiences a holy disturbance in order that you can live wholly naked in marriage.
The Family of Origin Connection Many things that are raised up against the knowledge of God become fortified strongholds early in our lives. One of the most blatant strongholds relates to God’s nearness and loving character. Because of broken homes and distant or absent father figures, children grow up with a stronghold that is against the accurate knowledge of God. This stronghold gets nourished as the child’s negative experience re- enforces this reality. Although Scripture is clear that God is not distant but near, and that He is not harsh but loving, a child’s experience is a powerful formation experience. It therefore requires an equally powerful resource to confront this formed thought structure so that it is captured and ultimately destroyed. That resource is available to you as you function not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Why this is important to your marriage The more negative strongholds you retain related to the knowledge of God, the less naked your marriage will be. Why? A stronghold resists God. It has real power in your life as a stronghold causes you to retreat into the pseudo-safe place of fear and familiarity. If that place of familiarity is God’s Holy Spirit, then praise God! But with a stronghold that resists the knowledge of God, the spirit or spirits at work are not holy at all. As a result, if you entertain a stronghold or strongholds in your mind, your responses to your spouse will be fear-based, charged with supernatural darkness to keep you from living naked before God and your spouse.
Good News Jesus is expert at breaking people free from strongholds. In one New Testament example, Jesus teaches that first you must bind the strong man so that his property may be plundered (Mk 3.27). The strong man here is the work of strongholds of any kind that keep a person in any type of spiritual bondage with corresponding emotional, relational and even physical ramifications. That is the hard news. The good news of the gospel is that this work can be undone, the property plundered, and the work of darkness destroyed (Jesus in fact came to destroy the work of spiritual darkness - 1 John 3.8).
Question What is one area of pain in your marriage where you are not living naked that might be related to a stronghold?
We began here: Ps 139.23-24: “Search me and try me. See if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way” - let us now apply that truth as a weapon of your warfare to see strongholds broken, the work of darkness plundered, and you and your spouse on your way to a naked marriage.
Day 21: Not Ashamed: Body Image
ּ׃יִתְבֹּשָֽׁשׁו
John Calvin urged that “married couples retain a healthy sex life, even after their childbearing years. Husband and wife should not withhold sex from the other. The traditional option of maintaining a sexless ‘spiritual marriage’ was anathema to Calvin” (Witte, 107).
Pause for a moment and consider one area of your life where you have shame. Now, consider what your life would be like without that shame. It would be amazing, wouldn’t it, to live free from shame? Well, more great news - God designed marriage to be a shame-free environment. And when a human being experiences freedom from shame, they are transformed into a powerfully confident person, a force to be reckoned with. In that sense, marriage possesses an internally missional component.
With shame, a person experiences fear of oneself in the presence of another self. Shame reveals an instinctive need to be accepted and affirmed by the other (Torode, p. 25).
Shame related to body image EXPAND THIS Body image is one of the main areas of shame in a person’s life, male or female. Many people feel shame when they look at themselves in the mirror because of their stomach or their breasts or their arms or their legs or their genitals. In fact,
INSERT IMAGE.
*80% of women report that they are unhappy with their appearance. (Eckhert, Love the Skin you’re in, in Ethridge, The Sexually Confident Wife, p. 87). Check out these statistics from women around the world:
Percentage Of Women Who Feel Body Confident
1. South Africa: 64% 2. Russia: 45% 3. Turkey: 42% 4. India: 40% 5. China: 37% 6. Mexico: 36% 7. Germany: 34% 8. Brazil: 27% 9. US: 24% 10. Canada: 22% 11. Australia: 20% 12. UK: 20% 13. Japan: 8%
(Source: http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/face-body/womens-body-confidence-becomes-a- critical-issue-worldwide-dove-global-study-indicates/news-story/5bf063c6a19c838cee9464a248af6bff)
And what bearing do these statistics have on our overall topic of NAKED marriage? USA today reports that the number one reason women avoid sex is because they do not feel comfortable with how their body looks ((Ethridge, The Sexually Confident Wife, p. 88).
Much money is being spent around the world to alter the shape and size of many different body parts, some of which is motivated by body shame.
Oh, but happy is the man or woman whose body is celebrated, rejoiced over and delighted in by their spouse! That spouse is a blessed individual, because they are receiving what God intends for every human to experience - approval, affirmation, and celebration of who they are regardless of what their body looks like. May your marriage include many celebrations throughout your years, gratefully affirming one another’s body and stamping your seal of approval on each other again and again.
What to Do
Here are Shannon Ethridge’s Top 10 Body Image Tactics:
1. Rid your mind of sexual stereotypes 2. Don’t assume your husband is pointing out your flaws every time he touches you 3. Take a healthy inventory 4. Focus on function, and be grateful 5. Avoid unrealistic comparisons 6. Choose your vocabulary wisely 7. Choose your wardrobe wisely 8. Learn to like what you see when you look in the mirror 9. Learn to love who you see in the mirror 10. Teach other women how to treat themselves
:
Day 22: Not Ashamed: The Grace of God
1 Peter 4. The time past is sufficient for the things you are now ashamed of….(verses 7-8)
● Sound judgment ● Sober spirit ● Fervent love
How do you stay out of things that cause you shame? In the ways outlined above. Why? Because when your focus is directed in those ways, God’s grace (1 Peter 4.10) operates in your life. Look at it in verses 9-10: ● Be hospitable to one another ● Serve one another
This is the opposite of the shameful practices that may have been in your past, because those practices were based on self-gratification, not on others-centered, “one another” practices. This is what the grace of God does in a person’s life - it leads to new grace-based practices.
How is this possible? Titus 2.11-12. The grace of God has appeared - teaching us to deny ungodliness and live holy lives….
What living by the grace of God means is learning to live by the strength God supplies (1 Peter 4.10-11). And in this way, it is possible to live a life free from shame. Why? Because no longer are you dependent on the strength of your own will to resist things that would lead to shame, but you have a new power source, along with new desires - here described as “holy lives.”
Question: Where might God’s grace be calling you to turn from self-gratification practices and turn towards ‘one another’ practices in your marriage?
Day 23: Not Ashamed: The Beauty of Holiness
The beauty of holiness What does holiness have to do with being unashamed? When God reveals to us what the Bible calls “the beauty of holiness (Ps 96.9),” we gain a distaste for things that we formerly craved, but over which we now experience shame.
Psalm 96.9 says to worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness. I remember 18 years ago, my father-in- law asked me what I thought that phrase meant. My reply: “I’m sorry, I honestly don’t know”. (So if you see that verse, and you think the same, we are in good company together☺). Our life of worship celebrates the beauty of God’s holiness in who He is, and it also celebrates the beauty of God’s holiness in who He has made us to be and how He is re-making us in His image.
The New Self You have put on the new self….Being made in true righteousness and holiness of the truth (Col 3.5-10.).
The new self is in contrast to the old self with its evil practices. But the grace of God does not automatically grant you immunity from the evil practices that belonged to your old self. Rather, they must be put to death by an act of your own will. And this is where many people get frustrated or stuck, wrongly assuming that once they said “yes” to following Jesus, that God’s grace would perhaps automatically transform their life. But like everything else in God’s kingdom, there is a partnership between God and people. God is faithful to do His part, and His grace enables us to faithfully do our part. Let us look at how to partner with God in putting to death the Colossians 3:5 ‘old self’ practices.
Question: What is the primary area of shame in your marriage? How might the above truths help you walk free from shame and thus transform your marriage?
Day 24: Not Ashamed: The Deeds of the Body
Putting to death the deeds of the body Since the deeds of the body are primary causes of shame, then it stands to reason that addressing how Scripture teaches us to deal with the deeds of the body would be primary to living free from shame; let us do so.
Consider (reckon) yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. …..Do not present your members as instruments of sin leading to unrighteousness; present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. (Rom 6:11,13.)
The foundation here is verse 5 - being united with the death of Jesus and the resurrection of Jesus. This is the believer’s new identity. As 2 Corinthians 5:17 puts it, ‘the old is gone, the new has come’. This is clearly true of those who are “in Christ,” as Romans 6 describes.
Putting it All Together So let us piece all of this together as it relates to shame. The work of darkness is for you to identify yourself primarily with things you have thought and done in the past, things related to your old self. If you agree with the powerful opinions that are raised up against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:5), part of which is the ‘beauty of holiness’ work done through the death and resurrection of Jesus, then in essence, you nullify the work of the cross (Gal.2.21) in your life, and are not able to enjoy God’s grace. Why? Because you are choosing to assert that the attitudes and actions of your old self are more powerful than God’s actions in you through Jesus. And God will not violate that powerful agreement. The great news is that the gift of righteousness, and repentance, to change our minds about how we believe, is available to all of us. And all of us can be set free from shame as we receive God’s gracious gift of righteousness and believe in the deep and complete work that He accomplished through Jesus in His death and resurrection.
Question: Are there any area of shame in your life where you could benefit from applying the Romans 6.11 and v13 truths of reckoning yourselves dead to sin, and presenting your members as instruments of righteousness?
Day 25: The Gifts of Repentance and Righteousness
Marriage is a gift from God. In order for marriage to remain a gift and function as a gift to our spouse, we must learn to use some of God’s other gifts as well.
The Gift of Repentance Repent means to change one’s mind. Many of the spiritual battles that occur, therefore, revolve around one’s mind.
A central component of Jesus’ message of the kingdom of God revolves around repentance, which also deals with the mind:
‘Repent, the kingdom of God is at hand’ (Mt 3.2). ‘Repent and believe the gospel’ (Mk 1.15).
The image many Americans have of repentance is that of a street preacher yelling at people to repent or die, turn or burn, etc. This image does not communicate God’s heart behind repentance. Through repentance, God is extending His hands towards us and simply asking us to stop believing lies about Him and ourselves, and begin to believe the glorious truths about His character and work as well as our position and identity in Him.
The Gift of Righteousness Living a life free of shame will appreciate the wonderful and free gift of righteousness. ● Rom 5:15. The free gift of grace through one Man Jesus Christ abounds to the many. ● Verse 16. The free gift differs (drastically) from that which led to condemnation. ● Verse 17 Those who receive the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life
So as we change our minds related to God’s truth, and as we receive the free gift of righteousness, we walk unashamed before God and others.
1 John 3:19-22. We assure our heart before Him, in whatever our hearts condemns us, God is greater than our heart...we have confidence before Him and do the things that are pleasing to Him.
● Rather than the 1 Peter 4 practices from time past that have shame attached to them ● Rather than the Col 3.5 old man practices ● By the Titus 2 and Romans 6 grace of God, we do the 1 Peter 4 things empowered by grace, and thus walk in the beauty of holiness, doing the things pleasing to God, walking free from shame.
Question: How may God be calling you in your marriage to consistently apply the gifts of repentance and righteousness?