# S

your host —Ed E. Haskell—

That is what I would look like if I had a pig snout

editor's hello corner

Okay so even without planning this issue turned out to have a kind of food theme, I mean like Everybody knows about the Billboard Top Ten. every conversation I had with anyone was about But what about the Bottom Ten? Technically, food and many articles mentioned it. I did not there are a bottom ten. We went to the Library have a hand in this. Maybe it is because and found out the bottom ten for April 4th, 1984. everyone is trying to store up fat for winter, This is literal. They don't print this end. which is still a thing I cannot do. Maybe that means in the past I would have died. I guess I'm Here Comes Tom Chime just lucky that my genes got to the future, Greasewell and the Del-Tins where I could be so unlucky in so many new, Mansion of Blood modern ways. Happy Holidays. —EEH M.I.S.E.R.I.C.H.O.R.D. I Can Hear the Coconuts Sleep IN THIS ISSUE! Wayne Aoki She Taught Me to Ski in the Winter- CORNELIUS BEAR time Rowell Gertrude Only one man is Cornelius Bear, and this is a careful look at him. This interview is tight and on-budget. No Talk to the Taco one can complain. Pini MEMORIES OF CHINESE I Do The Rock FOOD Tim Curry Chinese food is hella special to a lot of dudes. Here are Leap of the Mourning Hare their thoughts. Kell & Baxter (instrumental) OPINIONS ON THE The Dog Rap DJ Prince Howell and the 8th Street Kites CHINESE This ain't racist, unless you play it that way. MWY I Get The Money magazine ain't playin' it that way, but what about guys I Get The Money like Todd? 6?:ð6g (agog) NAME-A-BEER Ryddled Wyythe Promysse: Lancashyre Eyvensonge Actually, this is even more in-depth than that. We ask Thank you to Tré-odor for drivin' us to the Library dudes their favorite beers, but we also ask WHY. and for gettin' change for the photocopier. —E.E.H.

IT PAYS TO HAVE WORD ABILITY Enrich — and BECOME rich — by using vocabulary!

OFFICER WILSON: Get out of the car! NOW! GAS: [silent] OFFICER WILSON: Oh well. I guess I'll have

A to get the gas out of the car by driving it. fa m o us sp ea his ker demonstrates This Week's Words! ity abil Deppo Meemotize (adj.) This word describes a young dude (v.) When you are getting instructions who works at kind of a low job with a from a boss, and they're kind of boring uniform, like a tire person at Pep Boys and you know you'd figure out the task auto parts megastore, or a dude who anyway ("Carl, take these three different works at Kragen Auto Store, yet unlike kinds of paper stock that got mixed the other guys he keeps pretty carefully together and separate them and put done "rockabilly" hair with big chop them in the paper assortment area, sideburns and some real wet-look body you'll know when you've got them all around the sides and top. It is clean done because in each stack none of and immaculately maintained. Guys like them will look different, the paper in this often also work as cashiers at each stack will look pretty identical"), Whole Foods-type grocery stores where you meemotize, not memorize. It's like the chicks have blowhungus (huge) taking a mental memo by grabbing only tattoos on their entire shoulder, and one or two basic bits of data ("separate sagged tits. Dudes like this are deppo. this paper"). Usage: "Gary, that totally Usage: "Dude the guy who bagged our bloated dude from the Leavenworth groceries was deppo. I bet his girlfriend office was talking, and I so meemotized. has Bettie Page bangs and a kid in third He wanted us to show up on time grade." instead of late."

Triple Jackson Tumber (adj.) Used to describe situations in (future v.) This is the word that will come which there are just way too many to describe how most Americans will unnecessary, basically identical things. walk by 2025. Torso leaned back to Etymology: The Jackson 5. There really counterbalance the enormous spilling needed to be only one Jackson*, and gut, neck stiff from fitful nights of sleep the rest are just sort of a jumble. apnea, stiff ankles, each leg swung Usage: "Man I would go to Baskin slightly forward then planted before Robbins but it is just so Triple Jackson. starting the process over, toes out at It takes me a damn day to decide on 45-degree angles from path of travel, Vanilla Peach With Microbiscuit Bundt arms barely moving at the sides. Channel." Anthropologists may wish to do early *Jermaine, "The Regular One." field observation of this evolution in the "gauntlet" (the twenty feet between the McDonald's and Taco Bell/Pizza Hut restaurants that live inside of every Wal Mart). historical@ agreement@ minuteZ@ Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper is the Most Awesome Person in the World: A Treatise and Exploration of Facts.

Alright, so you might think that scientists like Albert Einstein or Freddie Time Bomb were the most important dudes in history, but you'd be wrong. I am sorry to say this to you. The most important person in history is Cyndi Lauper. Before you start hitting your own head with some of the lighter volumes from the Encyclopedia Britannica, let me provide the following points. You at least owe me that. —E.E.H.

1) Cyndi Lauper continues to be an 6) If Cyndi Lauper had food poisoning in a ageless babe. There are no bad motel room, I would charter a plane just photographs of her, even though she is to bring her a glass of water. 53. 7) All the chicks you see slunking around 2) You could not talk to her at a bar, in black bank pants and dry-clean shirts because you would screw it up. Even wish they had not lost track of the career though she is probably nice. path that would have made them Cyndi Lauper. ALL of them. Ask any one, 3) Gwen Stefani is not her kid, and also guaranteed. looks older than her. 8) The video for She Bop begins with 4) You would be lucky to even get a hug Cyndi jacking off in her car at a fast food from Cyndi Lauper, let alone a classy restaurant. She jacks off so hard that the cheek kiss. car is filled with steam and you can see 5) If you could happen to spend just one her feet bouncing off the window. CASE weekend with Cyndi Lauper at an upscale CLOSED. rental cottage on Cape Cod, it would be the best weekend of your life. She is probably even fun and full of character in the mornings. What is Your Beer and W hy is Your Beer That Choice

Téodor a Commitment to I guess I'm into crisper beers, lately. facts by E.E.H Stuff like pilsner or lager. I don't know what it is. Well, actually, I do know what it is. Beers that are heavy and full of rich flavor make me feel even fatter. I don't want to drink from a bottle that says "stout" on it. I'm already stout. I'm a bear, for crissakes. I want to drink from a bottle that says...I want a shot of vodka and a smoke, actually. You don't get fat off vodka. I'm going to get a vodka right now. Thanks for reminding me that I don't have anything to do right now, and that I have some vodka. It was a birthday gift from Aunt Brezna, actually. We are from Minsk, so it's okay that it's 11:43am. TODD Beer? B-B-Beer?! Mother-wipin' beer? the beer to put whiskey in. I'm not too You gotta be kiddin' me! Who drinks sure that I care about any of this, frikkin' beer anymore 'cept as a waitin' though. I like to put the whiskey in the thing! I gotta guy on 4th...whatcha pay, beer and I'm not a big "fusser" about it. four bucksa' pint?...four bucks...he'll How can I care about what you are getcha frikkin' bloody for four bucks! asking at this point. I am at the point Gimme the cash, I'll call up. Walk down where I will do it [hang up]. [Hangs Grant. Blue jacket. You, not him. up] Shaddup. MR. bear LYLE Ah. Well. I have written at length (transcribed from phone, with a kind ear, by elsewhere about Fuller's 1845...that Roast Beef) was over two years ago, however, and The beer that I like is called Molson, or I'm not feeling as nostalgic at the Weinhard's, or other beer. I like to use current time. I've actually been keeping Budweiser lately, of all things. I have to tell you about sunlight and know, I know. Lyle offered me one a leeching polymers. I have to go now. few weeks ago, however, and it had You know I got a terrible rate plan been ages since I'd held one. I'd from Cingular. I can't believe you completely forgotten how powerful even called me. Just email me this their advertising is. When I hold junk, okay? [Editor's note: Pat was the bottle, I feel a good half my age, this way even before he done gone slightly more dangerous, and gay. -e.e.h. ] athletic. It doesn't even matter that the stuff tastes like a man's ear. At this age, I'll take any advantage the EMERIL market puts forth. LEGOINEGASQUE Well it is funney you should bring it up at this time as I have just popped open a bottle of my favorite new pat beer Bard & Ladder Cheddar Porter. reynolds Spongebath was given it in his (recently gay) monthly sampling from the Oh my goodness, you're at it again, Artisanal Beers Society to which I aren't you. Your silly little joined him last holiday season. It photocopy newsletter. Well, fine. immediately became our favorite What do I care. What beer do I new beer. In the bottom of each drink? I don't drink beer. You can't bottle they have placed three cubes waste calories like that. If you want of cheddar which manage not to to refresh your thirst, try some sun- lodge in the neck until the very end tea made in a glass jar. Don't drink at which point they do slide out and some fool beer. And DON'T make provide a wonderful treat. the tea in a plastic bottle. I don't Recipes... by Tré-Odor of History Recently we did some studies here at flames. Secure the first rope at top Man Why You Even Got To Do A and bottom with a second rope, Thing and we came across several should the first rope burn and drop ancient manuscripts of recipes. (The the bird into ashes, ruining the more recent manuscripts are not ancient flavour. When roasted black and but rather from the October 1953 Sunset crisp, chop immediately to shreds Magazine.) By Tré-Odor and the with a fine cleaver, and be not Library. niggardly with the nutmeg. Appetizement of Roast of Beef Macherel-fish. 1689 AD (Middle English) Choose one old cow, and run it Take two sprigs parssley, one fine through with spears and blades until Macherel-fish, and a horn of garlicke. quite dead. Burst the udder with a Place them into a mortar, and work mace. Hammer the ankles until the them into a slyme. Serve with bread many small bones are deemed dried over a slow hearth, nutmeg to broken, and reserve for soup. Taking taste. the top of the cow, being the sturdiest meat, lash it onto a fine spit over hot coals, turning frequently, Eggs until the juices no longer run (1-2 1521 AD weeks). Cut the cooked meat and toss Lay two eggs in a sizzling pan, then with nutmeg at serving-time. drench them until well-covered. When the yolks have misted, remove the eggs to a plate strewn simply Sorrel a la Anglíque with purslane and cardamom branch. 1904 Add nutmeg. Eggs should be Take one scant handful of sorrel prepared in no other way. leaves, and stir well into two pints of fine fresh mayonnaise. Spoon into center of highly polished salver. Guinea Fowl Garnish around with carefully 1632 AD alternating parsleyed toast points, Take one fat guinea fowl, beat it and vinegar-cured black olives, quartered thrash it until it is dead, and pluck. hard-boiled eggs, smoked oysters, Light three heavy oak logs and one of and shavings of black truffle. Over cedar. When dressed-out and the dressed sorrel lay anchovy fillets seasoned, hang the fowl, with a to create a simple diamond pattern. moistened dray's rope, over the In center top, mound a tablespoon of WEATHER, IN ETERNAL DARKNESS, CORN DOES NOT GROW. THE SUN, HAVING BEEN DESTROYED BY CARDINAL LUTHER BANGERTER IN 2098, Pyke-fish. Do not use. AT THE HEIGHT OF THE WAR OF GODS, CANNOT ILLUMINATE YOUR PATH AS YOU FORAGE FOR TINNED CORN FROM THE 21ST CENTURY. TAKE ONE FINE Macherel-fish. CRANK-LIGHT AND SCOUR THE BLIGHTED COUNTRYSIDE FOR THE TELLTALE REMAINS OF A minced onion and caviar. Serve with CONCRETE FOUNDATION. a side of whole roast chicken, behind WHERE GRAY-WATER PIPES the diner, to provide a pleasing RISE BUT NOT SEWER-PIPES, aroma. DETECT FOR METAL. UNEARTHING A CAN OF CORN, Mock Steak Surprise! BRING IT HOME AND HEAT A 1953 PAN OVER TWO OR THREE Hubby forget to tell you he invited TIRES, DEPENDING ON SIZE. the boss for dinner? You're not out of STIR THE CORN UNTIL luck! With this simple recipe, you can FRAGRANT, THEN ADD have T-bones for three on the table KETCHUP TO BIND. SPOON by the time the third martini has ONTO PLATES AND SERVE whetted their appetites! EACH "CORNADO" WHILE For hubby and the boss, thaw and STILL HOT. broil two juicy T-bone steaks, seven minutes per side. For you, form an Africa-shaped patty out of ground beef mixed with equal parts store- bought bread crumbs and Hunt's ketchup, cut it in half down the center, and insert a blanched, tender plank of carrot down the line of the cut. Broil seven minutes a side. When cooled, "paint" the carrot white with frosting! They'll be none the wiser. Serve with Broccoli a la Shreveport, and a moulded tomato Jell-O in the shape of an adding machine. Dust off your ten-key and pretend to tabulate—what a gas they'll have! CORNADOES 2175 AD IN A WORLD WITHOUT w rvie inte

Cornelius B — Interviewe by Eda E. Haskerll m„” @Š› ™@‘”•ž@c•˜”ˆ’Œ›™@„™@„@‡›‡ˆ@‰˜•“@„˜•›”‡@š‹ˆ@–’„†ˆL@„”@•’‡@ Š› @ž‹•@„Œ”Gš@Š•š@”•@‰„“Œ’ @„”‡@˜••“™@žŒš‹@š‹ˆ@†˜ˆž@•›š@•‰@™Œ“–’ˆ@ –˜„Š“„†šŒ†„’Œš N@y•›@ž•›’‡@…ˆ@„’’@’Œ‘ˆL@Bo’‡@‡›‡ˆ@„Œ”Gš@Š•š@„@™†ˆ”ˆL@ ‹ˆ’’„@™„‡B@…›š@ •›G‡@…ˆ@ž˜•”ŠN@c•˜”ˆ’Œ›™@‹„™@…ˆˆ”@š‹ˆ˜ˆ@„”‡@‹ˆ˜ˆ@Œ”@ ‹Œ™@“•”š‹™@„”‡@š‹ˆ@‡›‡ˆ@‘”•ž™@š•@Šˆš@Œ”š•@„@–’„†ˆ@ž‹ˆ˜ˆ@‹ˆ@‹„™@ ž‹„š@‹ˆ@”ˆˆ‡™N@t›˜”™@•›š@‹ˆ@’Œ‘ˆ™@’ŒœŒ”G@žŒš‹@š‹ˆ@™–„¡¡M™–ˆ†š˜›“@š‹ˆ @ Š•š@Š•Œ”G@•”@„š@š‹ˆ@o”™š„‡@‹•›™ˆN@d›‡ˆ@’Œ‘ˆ™@‹Œ™@™–„†ˆL@…›š@„’™•@ ’Œ‘ˆ™@‘ˆˆ–Œ”G@Œš@‰˜ˆ™‹@žŒš‹@š‹ˆ@t•‡‡™@„”‡@…„…Œˆ™@„”‡@mᄁš˜•‡•˜™@„”‡@ ’Œšš’ˆ@•ššˆ˜@Š› ™N@hˆ@Œ™@„”@›”›™›„’@™•˜š@ž‹•@‘ˆˆ–™@„@’•…ˆ@•–ˆ”@‰•˜@ ’Œ‰ˆL@„”‡@™Œ”†ˆ@„˜•›”‡@‹ˆ˜ˆ@’Œ‰ˆ@Œ™@„”@„“…›’„”†ˆ@ˆšˆ˜”„’’ @†„˜šŒ”Š@ ™•“ˆ@‡›“…@Œ‡ˆ„@…ˆšžˆˆ”@šž•@–„™™Œ”ŠM•›š@…˜„Œ”™L@‹ˆ@Šˆš™@Œš@’Œ‘ˆ@‹ˆ@ ’Œ‘ˆ™@ŒšN@hˆ@Œ™@–„šŒˆ”šL@‹ˆ@Œ™@™“„˜šL@„”‡@‹ˆ@Œ™@†’„™™ N@hˆ@‘”•ž™@ž‹Œ†‹@ ‰Œ”Šˆ˜@š•@™šŒ†‘@•›š@‡›˜Œ”Š@šˆ„L@„”‡@Œš@„Œ”Gš@š‹ˆ@•”ˆ@ •›@š‹Œ”‘N@i@ŠŒœˆ@ •›NNNc•˜”ˆ’Œ›™@bˆ„˜N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@i”šˆ˜œŒˆž@†•”‡›†šˆ‡@… @–‹•”ˆ@•”@o†š•…ˆ˜@QYL@RPPVN@@

Cornelius at Cornelius having a What death the Badass cup of hot water looks like Games

ME: Cornelius what are you ME: Are you serious. After all doing. Probably every moment the chips have been counted, is precious at your age. I'm you like a frozen toaster waffle. sorry to take up some of them. Even though you have prob- ably had côte de boeuf à la CORNELIUS BEAR: I'm incendiènne done tableside at having a toaster waffle, a place in Normandy in the actually. I've been enjoying 60s. these as an evening treat lately. CB: One wants different things from food at my age. I've from Favorite Wok, you know, pleasantly found that my palate for three people, 'cause that's prefers simplicity, the older I the smallest size they offer. I get. eat the whole thing up then, 'cause ain't nothin' worse than a ME: Oh man don't say it. day-old won ton. But then I'm like two hundred degrees on the CB: Indeed. Some mornings, I inside, and the yoke of my duds don't even take coffee. A mug of is sweated across like a jogger. hot water and a cold towel across the forehead serve as my CB: That could perhaps cause liaison to the day. some organ damage. If you cook, you will see how readily ME: Man now there is a thing. organ meats respond to heat. I You ain't even need food. Your have to imagine it's much the system is so fine and old that same inside of one's self. you just need temperatures. ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ ME: Man so I am cooking my own guts with food that can't be right. That is like backwards meZ@w‹Œ†‹@‡•@ •›@ divided by two. š‹Œ”‘@Œ™@š‹ˆ@‹ˆ„’š‹M CB: Well, it's not likely to be a Œˆ™š@c‹Œ”ˆ™ˆ@‡Œ™‹_@ problem, I just want to indicate that one can off-set one's internal temperatures through ‚c‚b‚Z@‚{‚™•‚›‚–‚}‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ volume eating. ME: Oh man you completely CB: Well, I don't know if I'd put got me in a chunder and that is it quite like that. I am eating not even a word from America, this waffle, after all. For lunch I it is a word from Australia. had some penne with spicy sausage that was quite nice. CB: Chunder...do you mean that you need to vomit? I ME: This is a question. After believe the origin of the word is you eat a pretty hot bowl of nautical, and was employed by soup, do you sweat so much that the sea-sick who wished to you have to change clothes? warn those on lower decks to "watch out down under!" At any CB: No. Soup affects me very rate, I don't mean to make you little, if at all. It rarely involves a so nervous that you vomit. The change in wardrobe. body is remarkable about seeking equilibrium, so you ME: Dang then that must be my needn't worry unnecessarily. problem. I always get that Won Perhaps let the soup rest for ten Ton Soup In Deluxe Fashion minutes before eating it, next time. You may actually taste CB: [chuckles] Yes, well. You the flavors more deeply. did ask. Vegetables are perfectly delicious -- their only ME: Oh man you can't get me apparent shortcoming is that around some hot fresh won they are not flashily-marketed ton soup from Favorite Wok hamburgers. Do you follow the and not have me just plowin' Jacques Pépin cooking series in there with like crazy that's airing on PBS right now? pinwheels for eyes and spoons ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ in both hands.

CB: Very well, then. What else meZ@i@„Œ”Gš@“ˆ™™@ would you like to ask me? „˜•›”‡@žŒš‹@wˆ™š@ ME: Which do you think is the l„‘ˆ@•˜@h•š@F@s•›˜N@ h‚e‚al‚th‚ie‚st‚ C‚hi‚ne‚s‚e d‚is‚h‚? ‚‚‚ iG“@™š˜„ŒŠ‹š@ž•”@ meZ@w‹Œ†‹@™•›–@‡•@ š•”L@i@„“@„@™š˜„ŒŠ‹š@ •›@Šˆš_@sš˜„ŒŠ‹š@ ž‚‚•‚”‚@š‚•‚”‚@“‚‚„‚”‚N‚‚‚‚‚ ž•”@š•”@•˜@‡•@ •›@ ME: Ain't he that old French dude who cooks in boxer “‚‚ˆ‚™‚™‚@„‚˜‚•‚›‚”‚‡‚_‚‚‚‚‚ shorts and black socks only, with a cigarette danglin' from CB: Hm. I think you're on the his lip, all like just one shrimp right track with soups. The in a dirty old pan with a stick broths are restorative and of butter? relative to stir-fries they lack oil. I would suggest vegetable CB: Jacques is seventy years dishes, also. Most Chinese old, not that many years restaurants offer a variant, beyond me, and I have seen usually called "Vegetables his style of cooking evolve the Delight" or some such way my own tastes have. He encouraging descriptor. began as a great French classicist, but now his dishes ME: Oh dogg you got me eatin' are subtle, simple, and highly cold soup and carrots now understated. Certainly, in my man this is what happens youth, I wouldn't dream of when you talk to an old guy ordering anything but the about food advice. Next thing reddest cut of meat and you know I will be watering potatoes drowned in cream, my front lawn in black socks but these days I can appreciate and boxer shorts only. a dish of nothing more than chopped tomato with salt, parsley, and good olive oil. my name, she was Iris Gambol Bear. I thought it was a poetic ME: Oh wow you just enough name originally, and described a dinner that I that the addition of my own would react to like, "the chef surname Bear made it a bit forgot to put the dinner on top silly, but these were the fifties of these big salsa pieces! Dad and that's how things worked. I blammit! No cash for THIS saw her as she sat reading on a guy!" bench in a park in upstate New York. It was a lovely fall day, CB: You'll see, you'll see. and I'm glad I acted on the feeling I had for her, because ME: Okay, yeah, I know. I now I know that sort of thing probably will. Meanwhile...uh, only comes along once in a life. let me check my notes...[holds Rather, one can only feel that up both hands, wiggles fingers, ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ proves that there are no notes hidden anywhere]...you have said in the past that you were m‚‚ar‚rie‚d‚. C‚a‚n ‚I a‚s‚k a‚b‚ou‚t ‚th‚at‚. meZ@y•›@Š•š@š•@ˆ„š@

š‹ˆ@ž•”@š•”™@—›Œ†‘L@ Won Ton soup. I ain't mess around with Sweet Corn and Chicken or Dragon & „’“•™š@Œ““ˆ‡Œ„šˆ’ L@ Phoenix. Sizzling Rice in a pinch, but almost •˜@š‹ˆ @’•™ˆ@š‹ˆŒ˜@ ‚nev‚er.‚ (E‚EH‚) ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ Š„“ˆN way once, I believe. It's not ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ unlike having the wind knocked out of you, when you CB: Certainly. see the face you're meant to love. I think you need to have ME: I...I mean, I guess I just had that feeling at the did. foundation of it all—that visceral, undeniable CB: Marriages are complicated instinct—to make it work even things. Perhaps ask about a when the going gets hard. specific aspect. Anyhow, there she sat reading, and after I'd collected my ME: Okay, I guess a reporter breath—all this happened in would first ask Who. the span of no more than two seconds, mind you—I simply CB: Her name was Iris walked over to her, held out my Gambol, and when she took hand, and she smiled as she took wine. it. I was not myself at that moment. I had the great clarity, CB: Seems a fair enough sign. charm, and confidence of a man Cherish one another while you who has had two glasses of can. Over time, it is all too easy Scotch. I saw that the book she to come to treat a spouse like read was The Catcher In The Rye, just another piece of furniture. which was still fairly new at that time, and which I'd finished just ME: We ain't married, though. that morning in bed, so it was the ‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ centerpiece of our conversation, through which we ducked and darted and punched a few meZ@t‹Œ™@•”ˆ@–’„†ˆ@ interesting holes in the shape of Œ”@š•ž”L@š‹ˆ @–›š@„@ our own animated silhouettes. For two total strangers, our ™“„’’@™‹˜Œ“–@Œ”@ conversation was daring and bold. I loved her from the ˆ„†‹@ž•”@š•”N@y•›G‡@ moment I saw her, but when I heard her voice, with its easy wit š‹Œ”‘@iG‡@’Œ‘ˆ@š‹„šL@ and charm, I knew inside of one minute that my life was a new …›š@i@‡•”GšN@iš@™ˆˆ“™@ thing. The rings and showers and ”„™š @š•@“ˆN@i@ drunken uncles were but foregone conclusions. That night „’“•™š@”ˆœˆ˜@’Œ‘ˆ@ at my apartment we roasted a buttered chicken without any side š‹ˆ@™‹˜Œ“–@„š@š‹ˆ™ˆ@ dishes at all, and washed it down with a cheap bottle of Bulgarian –‚’‚„‚†‚ˆ‚™‚N‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚‚ red that she ran out and bought at a gas station. Somewhere around the thigh meat we CB: People your age are realized we'd never even learned terrible about commitment. each others' names. I agreed to I'm not sure what it is. You call her Lady X and she dubbed really are a generation of me the "The Curious Hallfield turkeys. Park Incident." We danced to Patti Page and blew our cigarette ME: Maybe you all got married smoke out the window. I...I'm too early 'cause you couldn't sorry. Are you still there? roll in the hay until God had been invited to watch. Which ME: Wow. Dang. On my first date brings me to God's hobbies— with Molly, it went a lot like that. I mean, I roasted a bird with no CB: You operate with a side dishes, and she brought the remarkably chaste revisionism. Do you suppose that your Paid Advertisement

stone funk elders, in their youth, didn't have as much or more fun than you currently have, regardless of of the year marital status? Where do you think you "get it from," precisely?

ME: I mean like what I see is that old people are known to enjoy church over raves. That's only one thing I know, though.

CB: Just because drug dealers weren't doing perverse things with drain cleaner and the periodic table of the elements doesn't REPRESENTIN' mean that we weren't living souls who enjoyed kicking our heels up your come nightfall. FAVORITE ME: Well yeah I mean I guess we get it from somewhere. artists:

CB: Oh, drat. I've been boiling eggs, and the timer's just gone off. Can you excuse me for a moment? Biloxxi ME: I ain't one of those dudes who holds on a phone for six Tah Kan3z minutes while the other party peels eggs, that is way old school. Trik Pype But I am also grateful to you for your time. I think we can put FLU$H down the pieces here. Nuno Ndaba CB: It has been a pleasure. Thank you for asking after my story. I'll Peach Club be pleased to see the printed version. Tim King (Christian) ME: Dogg you got all the classy lines. Sadly, I don't. Stay sweet, Got a John Holmes' Helmet-Size Jockstrap. [hangs up] FIN. new sound? Contact Ray Smuckles! CELL # PRI-MTIM (774-6846)

Paid Advertisement CHAPTER THREE

We now know that Jesus Christ was married to Mary Magdalene. But was it going well?

Jochebed put his fingertips to a When last we saw Jesus point and pressed them to his lips. and Mary Magdalene, they He seemed to think for a great while. had just taken their seats in Jesus refused to look at Mary-was Jochebed's couples' afraid to. He wondered if, after this bombshell, she wouldn't hire Ezerel, therapy tent. the town forger, to sign his name to ------the forms without his knowledge, and go live with her mother, never to Jesus sat uncomfortably, wondering if be seen again. The idea was escapist, he'd just said the one wrong thing and he felt guilty. that would cause the therapist to "That's very interesting, Jesus," crumble his papyrus in a wad, toss his said Jochebed, re-crossing his legs. pen behind him, and blurt, "Divorce. "Mary, what do you think could be You two. Now." He hated the idea of improved?" signing a bunch of forms. He'd had to She paused, which surprised him, sign thirty-five different places just to because in recent months she'd flown get married; how many to undo the into a verbal tirade at his slightest marriage? At least twice that, in all offense. He felt he'd endured so much likelihood. The government of endless scorn that at times he Jerusalem didn't look kindly on imagined himself trapped inside a divorce, and would no doubt require boiling undersea forest of thrashing such a prohibitive number of octopus tentacles. signatures that the average guy would She began slowly, carefully. just give in and stay married. "I feel like I'm not there, in his eyes. I might as well be a chair or neglected. Why is that?" lantern. No—a lantern takes Jesus felt irked that someone was maintenance. I might as well be a making money simply by listening to chair." two sentences and then saying the Jochebed this time merely pressed sentences back to the people who said his index finger against his nostril them. People didn't pay canyons, and and closed his eyes thoughtfully. canyons echoed. Many seconds passed, and Jesus "Why does she feel neglected?" suspected that this was simply to Jesus began. "Probably because we give him time to reflect on his wife's don't spend much time together. I'm words. Jochebed, for all he knew, busy with my friends a lot, and I've was dreaming of grilled beef and been working to make extra money." peppers on lavash. He found himself This brought Mary out. "Cards! resentful, and decided not to speak You, selling cards in Kazzar's Card first. Baazar! Who ever heard of anything Mary, unwilling to weaken her stupider than cards! I can't believe point with extra talk, set her teeth you." She looked at Jochebed. "You and waited. know what you do when you want to Jochebed, growing concerned that wish someone a happy birthday? You his time-honored "pause" technique stop by their house and talk to them. wasn't working, sniffed. He had He thinks that a piece of paper saying often found that the slightest noise Happy Birthday, delivered by would provoke a nervous response messenger, is going to catch on!" She from someone in the room. Not turned to Jesus. "Either Kazzar has these two. you duped, or you're just working at The sniff hung in the air and that stupid place to avoid me!" ripened like a lie. Jesus and Mary, Jesus knew it was the latter, but he intelligent and anxious, saw through did at least derive some pleasure from the tactic immediately, and in the the fine scented papers in the shop. following seconds, they Kazzar also told a great joke about a strengthened their independent Roman who returned home after a resolve to make him earn his money. long battle in Mycenae, only to find No man should be paid to sniff his his wife screwing a road-maker. The nose, they would have concluded, guy could do a Roman better than had they been speaking together anyone, and it always cracked him up. privately. Jochebed, now tense, addressed Jesus. Chapter Four of The Braebicus Dict "You don't remember why you're appears in the next issue of this together," he summarized. "She feels publication.

Answers from Questions by Ed E. Haskell

Ray Smuckles You know, now that you mention it, I ain't think I ever seen one 'a those suckers in person! Daaamn! I mean, I can remember some big Christmas party down at the University Club, a black-tie thing put on by Mayor C and the Fire Department, but I ain't remember a harp! I think at one point I heard that a harpist was playin' in a smaller side-chamber, kind of a parlor, but in the main room they had these dudes cookin' up George Thorogood with a WAILIN' saxophone player and you can bet your money I busted my hams to those tunes for the better part 'a the night. I had chicks in front, chicks behind, just a quicksand pit of chicks in black and red satin, my tie all undone, shirt open at the collar, WHO...DO...YOU LOVE just mackin' my funk...no, I ain't seen a harp. Todd Squirrel What'sa fricks'a harp? That that thing they play when somebody in cartoons d- d-dies? Yeah, I saw a harp in a frikkin' cartoon, so what? A dog croaked or somethin'. Whadda I gotta care? I'm glad he's dead! Peter H. "Nice Pete" Cropes If this question is to assess whether I am from low breeding, then fine, I will answer it honestly, because people of low blood can still have their integrity in place. But in knowing my answer you have aroused my defenses. Yes, I have seen a harp. It was in the window-display of a fine department store in the big city, Charleston, where we had gone to see an uncle die in his bed. It was a terrible trip, full of unbearable quiet stretches and an eventual burial. The harp served to advertise a lovely dress. Cornelius Bear I have seen a harp. Emeril LeGoinegasque Well if this does not come at an interesting time because as I type this a fine man in a tuxedo suit does play the harp on the television. We have upgraded our apartment's basic cable package and I do believe day and night this channel is devoted to that calming instrument.... Now this is funny, my memorey tells me Spongebath did himself upgrade the cable package for this channel in specific. He is a friendly fellow but at times his waters do run deep and dark and I believe he does take refuge in the firmament of the gently plucked strings. I admit I have enjoyed the music around the house as well. Ray Smuckles IF YOU HAD Probably a record player, and when you pulled A HIDDEN out the hidden volume that opened the secret bookcase door, the needle would drop, and the BOOKCASE album would just play twenty minutes of fuzz and blitches. A blank album. Your terror would DOOR WHAT totally grow. You'd be like, "I should not have WOULD YOU gone into this secret room. When the door opened, I should have just gone the hell away. PUT BEHIND Is there a skeleton?!"

IT? Téodor Orezscu A room with a big circular bed, and zebra carpet, and mirrored ceiling, and a switch, —E.E.H. where if you flipped the switch the bed would start to pop, because it was a giant Jiffy-Pop package, and you could hop in there with a lady-friend just like in Real Genius. And the phone by the bedside would be Bang & Olufsen, maybe a red matte plastic with a gray base. The music? Yeah, you guessed it. The Sixteen Candles soundtrack. [Téodor's answer was written by Ed E. Haskell, Téodor was never called.]

[Nobody N/A] [I was mainly interested in Ray's answer to this, which turned out to have less sluts than I expected. Therefore I made up Téodor's answer and then killed the piece here. -EEH]

Talkin’ ‘bout The Curse of the Sea-Bitch

The Curse of the Sea-Bitch returns in our next issue! These things take hella research and I ain't done research this time around. It takes like Library trips and index cards and bein' hushed even though you are laughin' because Tré-Odor wrote a word down and he won't show you what it is until a seven year-old kid walks by in a backpack and Tré-Odor holds up the paper and it says DOUCHEBAG. The responsible reader will appreciate my unwillingness to make up this year's hottest nautical fiction. What is Your Opinion on the Chinese? EXCLUSIVE TO MAN WHY YOU EVEN GOT TO DO A THING

Ray Smuckles The Chinese? They're Chinese. Is this racist? I ain't down, dude. I ain't known you to be like this.

Charley "Little Nephew" Smuckles Chinese be hella confusin', G-note. All like one way and nice in regular society, but then they got a special Chinese society, of Chinese people, all knowin' each other and maybe even givin' each other loans at no interest. I just think they help each other out, is all. I ain't sayin' nothin'. TODD T. SQUIRREL Screw 'em! I got enough problems! Téodor Orezscu The Chinese have a different idea about Peter H. "Nice Pete" Cropes what personal space means. This is not You are calling me again, this time about inflammatory. All I'm saying is, I've Chinese people. I feel you are trying to noticed that in lines or crowded areas, get at something, maybe regarding my they don't mind bumping into you. This upbringing. Maybe trying to make me say may be the norm in China. I've seen something off-guard. I will only say that pictures where it's crowded. I don't really Chinese people all have black hair and like talking about this. I feel like glasses. That is all I have seen "in anything I say can be dug up and work innocence," it is what I have observed against me in a court case. Call me when from cars and public lines. I am very you get to the next article idea, dude. curious about why you called me once again, Roast Beef. I need to start looking Miss Lady into you, maybe. Do I need to know what Are they the ones that can't get the whole you think about Chinese? Internet? Because I feel that way. I need to change from AOL and get something Ray's Uncle Marion Adonis better than this old gray PowerBook. I'm Culpepper so mainland. I'm so Guangdong. Roast Beef! Well, I do declare! I am afraid Paid Advertisement I am caught at asunders by your call...I was just about to mix up a good cup of scalded milk and rye before my morning stone funk nap...but no bother. Thank you just ever record label so much for givin' me a jangle, it is always good to hear from my nephew's of the year friends! I...heh...I remember my trip out there quite well, don't you know! Ooh, oh, what was the question? I'm so sorry to ramble like this. It's almost time for my forty winks...though I make take the full Hippocrates' sixty...heh heh...the Chinese? Oh, goodness. Maybe you should call back in the afternoon, when I have a bit more time free. We lost an uncle in that most grievous and REPRESENTIN' regrettable Boxer Uprising of 1899, the great Hercules Lane Culpepper. Oh, my your milk is just about scalded. I really must FAVORITE go. Please do call me after supper, won't you. I need to consult my genealogies. artists: Good-bye. Operator, please end this call.

VLAD Heh! China. One of last true Communist Biloxxi countries, if even you can say that, Tah Kan3z though. Viet Nam, Cuba, Laos, North Korea, they do the total deal...and here Trik Pype we haf good oldt China. Does Communist need Google? I say very little on subject, FLU$H because I am reformink, but maybe in this way I am like China. I am refusink Nuno Ndaba to use Google for pleasure these days, Peach Club only facts. Is like your Lent. I need to know when Elvis is born? Is pleasure. I Tim King (Christian) walk to post office. Then I walk to library, because the post office takes down poster of commemorative stamp of Elvis his life. Got a Elvis is born January 8, 1935 by the way. new sound? Sorry I was late for call. Bus was Contact rejectink bus pass again. Was mess-up at Ray Smuckles! home office of bus company. Then there is huge line at library. CELL # PRI-MTIM (774-6846)

Paid Advertisement Chinese Food Thoughts of Times From a Young Age

by EEH

Téodor Orezscu green can parmesan cheese over the When we were a kid, I mean when I was top. There you have it, Chinese Food a kid (sorry -- I'm on Beef's computer Kazenzakis: wet rice, soy sauce, peas, using a unix editor, don't have time or and parmesan cheese. Ain't no skills to learn how to delete in VI), we Chinaman anywhere would turn down a went to a place called Hong Kong. It steamin' hot bowl of that concoction. was straight American Chinese food: fried won ton skins with that clear red Ray Smuckles dipping sauce, chow mein with I have loved Chinese food since a very the baby corn in it (the tiny cobs were small age. Mom used to take me down prized but never adequately explained), to the old district south of the high and chicken dishes with snow peas and rises, where the real-school joints water chestnuts, sauced in a clear dished up some hard-ass Asia on a viscous liquid that held well with the plate. You just said "family special" and steamed rice. To this day I like basic the waiter nodded and you never saw a Chinese food that probably bears no menu. Total respect. They would bring resemblance whatsoever to the "crab an Egg Roll, then Hot and Sour Soup or pooter in fermented hay water" they're Egg Corn Soup (Chef's Decision), and eating in the mainland. then the main event: Sweet and Sour Pork with pineapples and bell pepper R. Beef Kazenzakis and onion pieces. After that we would (by private wire) relish on some tea and fortune cookie Alright so it was a thing at our house and mom would ask about parking that we could not have what we wanted. validation. This being said, we could not have You know, now that I look back on Chinese food. We could never have it. I this, I think maybe we weren't getting had it a time or two down at Ray's and all that great of stuff. I guess the sands it was luscious and all so good. The won of time and my own naïveté about the tons had hella silky textures and the mysteries of non-pizza or -hamburger paper cartons of thick-sauced meat were food kind of made me think this stuff hella at home on a spoon with the was more legit than it was. Oh well. I insanely good dry-style nose-enchanting guess, to my credit, that my favorite rice. Gramma K made horrible wet rice memory of the place was not the food, that she said would "make us proud one but the crazy bronze "water wheel" day" but I never knew what that meant. fountain sculpture they had in the Once in a while me and Showbiz would lobby. You could put a coin into one of get to clamorin' for some Chinese Food the water wheels and watch as the coin and she would pour soy sauce onto some fell down through all the water wheels of her wet rice and stir in some frozen to the bottom, which was very deep and peas and maybe sprinkle some of that kind of murky. Refried Beans and Rice by Chris Onstad

I'm not sure how old I was when I learned that my great-grandmother Rose died...probably four or five. I was sitting at our dining room table in Danville, scooping down a favorite lunch of refried beans and white rice, waved was not a pleasant place to and my mom had been on the phone play, and that a male neighbor with a for a few minutes. It tells you trailer that held two motorcycles was something about the mind of a child angry when I looked at the that none of the details of the call motorcycles too closely. I remember registered with me as I mashed rich, being told that I was "done" by a earthy beans onto long-grain rice parent or grandparent, and whisked and shoved them into my maw. I'm inside. not even aware of how long she'd To this day I consider refried beans been off the phone when she sat and long-grain white rice my down next to me and said that great- baseline comfort food, even though grandma Rose had died. It seemed my earliest solid memory of them is like a mechanical relay of facts...in rooted in death. Try them with a my life I'd only seen Rose a few little shredded Monterey Jack or times, and didn't feel much affected. cheddar. She was a very short person with a little tight gray afro who had waved oŽƒŸ@cŠ—‹˜@™Š‹˜@•‹‡…‡@Š‡‘‘@”ˆ@ once from a front lawn. I remember Ž‹‘‘‡†@”š—@˜ƒš˜ƒ‰‡˜N@ that the front yard from which she ½mwy@s™ƒˆˆ@@@@@@@

THINGS CHRIS ONSTAD HAS Screwed up his dad's nice car because DONE WRONG IN LIFE he was emotional over a lady (17) Intentionally fell out of touch with a Drew a crappy picture and let his friend (age: 31) grandma buy him an expensive sketch pad that he only used two pages of Kicked his brother in the nuts and (10) pretended it was an accident (9) Made fun of poor people in front of his Threw a dart at a kid he didn't like (7) grandfather, who had grown up during Stole a candy bar at age five (5) the Depression (13) WHAT IS THE SADDEST THING YOU (I) HAVE SEEN LATELY by Ed E. Haskell F S D F E S L D N V U I O R A R T Q I S

E O S R U E S

S C E E O N

H E I E T R T N R A H W

E O

L C I L E C P S E I

T E S N R T A E E S B T P FRUIT --> X A E P DELI BOAT WITH NO HUMMUS

MANAGER READING CHART entrance Map of chain grocery store, Blip Diddle, CA

Oh dang man this is pretty sad I ain't even sure I should type it. But I was on this road trip (kind of small) with Ed E's girlfriend Miss Lady down the California coast and we stopped in some town called like Blip Diddle (?) or something for the night. We were up to tricks and havin' fun and decided to get some tasty snacks and maybe like some wine or Mike's Hard Ice malt beverage from the town's big chain grocery store. I was all The Man and walked over there even though it was at least 1/5 mile away. She was gonna take a shower and maybe put on no clothes. I was all about that so I strutted on over. It was kind of late, maybe 10:53 or so, and as I was walkin' into the store this kind of fucked up older beach-bum guy with no shave walked out with his purchase in a bag, maybe it was some bottles, I thought. The alarm went off but nobody did anything. What really stuck out was that he had some flip-flops on, and one of his big toes was hangin' way over the worn-out edge and bleedin' like crazy. Every time he took a step it just set down this big nasty bloody toe- print. I was kind of aware that there might be toe blood in the store so I kept my eyes on the ground and wouldn't you know it but the bloody toe dots led to the alcohol area. They went up the beer aisle, turned about-face near the Steel Reserve, then went up the wine aisle and did another about-face near the cold wines. From there they did another about-face and wandered off to the hard liquor, where all the hard liquor has that anti-theft magnetic cap on it. From there the path went back out the same door. It was like that Billy from Family Circus comic that traces his steps, only this time in bloody toe-dots that have a BAC of about .38 or so and could kill a gnat. Anyhow I kind of hopscotched around and over the bloody toe path and got us some six dollar wine (like I said I was being The Man) and then some of that nice cold fried chicken and stuff (bananas for her in the morning, Krispy Kreme for me). I also got nicer toilet paper for the motel room 'cause damn a dude ain't got to summon the nether lesions. And plus Miss Lady probably appreciated it. That is my sad story. A half-dead wino stole booze and reminded me of the Sunday Funnies. As told in two-ply-o-vision. PLAYLIST: Bee With Band-aid Wings / The Other Man Bought The Castle / Fried Surface / Green Eyes and Problems / George You Can't Fix That Car / The Richest and the Poorest Wear No Shoes / Under the Sunken Evening (Noiseless Taco Bell) / Those People Died Into The Future / Bodie