Vikings&Lakers ’s windblown Ring Road journeys between medieval and modern, unleashing Norse lore, rotten , troll statues, blackened heads, mail-order Filipino brides, raspy liquor, and the world’s only phallus museum.

Story and photos by Roy M. Wallack

“You will not like mysa,” the museum res- did my paralyzing fear of the Ring Road, doing a diving shoot in Panama.”) taurant director said, pouring a clear, egg- the 830-mile two-lane highway around this Worse than that was the bitter, terri- whitish liquid into a shot glass. “Hardly Ohio-sized island at the top of the world, fying cold. I’m from Los Angeles, where anyone here in Iceland even drinks it which had left me hobbled, freezing, tech- breathing out frost is considered a magic anymore — only old, fat pensioners who nologically impaired, hating every pedal trick. I waited all morning in the capital started when they were young because stroke, and closer to throwing in the towel city, Reykjavik, for the icy wind and rain they were told it would grow big muscles than I’d ever been on any other bike trip to abate and the sun to shine. It didn’t, and put hair on their chests.” in my life. probably a sign that I should stay in town In desperate need of the latter, I swigged Could a few slurps of a millennium-old for the night and see if the legend of “the the shot, my face twisting as if it were back soft drink spark an epiphany that could world’s most beautiful women” was reality in college chugging tequila for the first get me my mojo back? Could I trick myself or myth. But with a wedding ring on my time. Non-alcoholic, mysa (pronounced into forgetting the miserable mileage of the finger and a 10-day schedule of 83 miles “missa”) is the sour, vinegary, briny water Ring Road by turning myself into a roll- per day on the line, the macho side of me that floats atop old or — the ing anthropologist in search of interesting took over and I headed north. same stuff Viking sailors drank and pickled (or disgusting) stuff about the great Norse Rocking the bike out of the saddle into meat in 1,000 years ago because it was the explorers and the culture they left behind Arctic headwinds, my torso quickly was only thing that didn’t go bad on their epic — like mysa? soaked in a cold sweat, and my nose and journeys from to Iceland and the Many people visit Iceland to run white- hands ceased to function correctly. My New World. Emboldened by its histori- water rapids, watch whales and waterfalls, camera was next to go. When I took it out cal significance (and my desensitized taste shop for stuffed dolls, and pose with for a shot about seven miles out of town, buds), I asked for another shot — and troll statues. But a deeper perspective was the sub-freezing windchill (as low as -5 another and another. It tasted like … liq- crucial motivation for a broken-down man C, according to the occasional electronic uid courage! That’s because as the carton with abandonment issues. I was riding weather signs on the roadside) actually of mysa disappeared down my throat, so solo on Highway 1 — the official name of shorted out the circuitry. Just like that, my the Ring Road — because a photographer Lumix was dead. Less than 45 minutes into pal who’d recruited me for the trip never my adventure, I’d become a picture-loving Protective measures. A group of British showed up at the airport (“Didn’t you get participant on a buddy bike trip without a girls mask themselves from volcanic ash. my email last week?” he texted me. “I’m camera or a buddy. The next camera shop was in the pic- dezvoused with my fateful mysa at the turesque town of Borgarnes, located on newly opened Settlement Centre museum. a peninsula 40 miles north of Reykjavik, Its exhibits focused on the tourist-friendly population 1,900. It took me over 10 hours “Saga” craze — stories of the country’s to get there due to a long, underwater tun- founding that usually feature Egil, the Want to keep going? nel that bans bikes and forced a 60-mile Viking pioneer and heathen warrior con- detour around the Hvalfjörður inlet. By sidered Iceland’s George Washington. Don’t let chappeD skin stop you. the time I got back to the Ring Road, it While hanging around town, I even got was a shoulderless, busy two-lane freeway in a swim workout and hot-tub rehab for Before the road rubs you the wrong way, reach for the passing through a desolate, treeless land- my aching legs at a geothermally heated little green can packed with relief. Essential gear for the scape of tundra and lava rocks — with no pool and sauna, $3 entry fee. Iceland, which trip, Bag Balm® is the time-tested solution for soothing cities or stores along the way. No surprise straddles the grinding North American and there, as there are just 300,000 , European tectonic plates, is a bubbling chapped and chafed skin, cuts, and scrapes. with 200,000 of them in the capital area. cauldron of volcanoes, geysers, and steam As for the lack of trees, the first wave of vents that are used to provide cheap elec- Viking pioneers cut down all the native tricity and hot water. That’s why the coun- birchwoods a millennium ago. They regrow try has over 200 public aquatic centers, slowly in the four-month growing season of including an Olympic-sized lap pool, kid’s these near–Arctic Circle latitudes. “If you dip, water slide, sauna, and locker rooms get lost in the forest in Iceland,” goes the in Borgarnes. That’s probably why Iceland’s saying, “just stand up,” — which refers to national sport is swimming (or as the guy the sparse and runty forests that look like next to me said, “sitting in a hot tub and Christmas tree lots. talking”). Standing up on a bike in a frigid head- No trees here. Roy climbs above one of Iceland’s many barren, windswept landscapes. The pools don’t use much chlorine, so wind for over 80 miles takes its toll. By strict hygiene rules apply, such as taking 9:00 PM, when I crossed the 1.5-mile within two minutes of stopping, I shorted ing that a Chinese group had bought out a naked shower before swimming. Wall Borgarfjarðarbrú bridge (the second lon- my normal stretching and feeding routines the entire youth hostel, I lucked into the posters and a human inspector instruct gest in the country) into Borgarnes, all the all day long. Oddly, for a sunless day, I last room at a bed and . you to scrub all private areas — crotch, ASSOCIATION CO., INC. shops were shut down — and so was my was also darker than usual. It seems that “We opened this when the market armpits, butt, feet, face, and hair — in P.O. BOx 145, DePt. AC11, LynDOnviLLe, vt 05851/teL. 802-626-3610/www.BAgBALm.COm west Of ROCkies: smith sALes seRviCe, P.O. BOx 48, ORegOn City, OR 97045 body. The hardest double centuries never the fallout of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano, crashed,” said the proprietor, referring to five languages, including Icelandic, Danish, beat me up like this. I was coughing, sneez- which blew its top from March to May the national banking scam that blew up Norwegian, German, and English. “You ing, soaked, and hurting from head to toe. and disrupted flights all over Europe, had and brought Iceland to bankruptcy in forgot your butt,” the man firmly reminded DAS-505-11; Consumer; Adventure Cyclist; AC11; 1/3 page; 4C; 4.75” x 4.85”; dt My muscles — quad and hip flexors espe- coated my face in volcanic ash and mud 2006. Icelanders left by the thousands. me. cially — were destroyed. My shoulders, kicked up from the wet roads. When I saw So did businesses that had to buy goods After a necessary and satisfying day neck, and triceps were stiff and spasmodic. myself in a mirror, I looked like Al Jolson abroad, including McDonalds. of shopping, mysa guzzling, fried chicken Worst were the knees, screeching with pain singing “Mammy.” “Many people have opened B&Bs — eating, and swimming, I spent the second like rusty hinges. Working hour after hour Over, Range Rover and museums, too,” she continued. “We night of my trip watching YouTube videos with no break, I was bonked beyond bonk. Getting a hot shower and shelter after had to — anything to make ends meet. of the NBA finals and arguing the merits of Shivering and shaking from the windchill that hellish day was a priority. After find- The exchange rate dropped from 68 kroner Kobe Bryant versus Michael Jordan. Like to the dollar to 130 now, and we all went most Icelandic males, Victor Rodriguez, from rich to poor. We all wanted to be the night manager of the Borgarnes youth Americans — big SUVs, big-screen TVs, hostel, was an obsessive fan of American big this, big that. Now everyone else comes sports. In the next couple of hours, this here for vacation because it’s cheap. And half-Icelander/half-Spaniard became my we’re back to being Icelanders again.” cultural guide, railing against the high The crash gave rise to a slogan that I unemployment rate and complaining of would hear all over Iceland in the next minor slights against Iceland’s growing week: Range Rover, Game Over. population of black-haired halfbreeds such Could it be that as I was discovering as himself and the kids of the one-time Iceland, they were rediscovering them- Filipina mail-order bride down the street, selves? who ran the restaurant where I bought the Being marooned here in little Borgarnes chicken. for a day put me way behind schedule, but Hearing that I’d liked mysa, Victor told it turned out to be a blessing in disguise me that young boys still drank it, but as that rejuvenated my body and spirit. After a -laced beverage called garpur that sleeping through the midnight sun (you is marketed as a “he-man” drink guar- have to pull the shades all the way down), anteed to grow chest hair. He then went I bought a cheap camera when the shops into the and came out with some opened the next day at 11:00 AM, charged traditional Icelandic he thought

the battery for a couple hours, then ren- casey greene I’d enjoy because, as he put it, “they taste

30 ADVENTURE CYCLIST AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2011 ADVENTURECYCLING.ORG ADVENTURE CYCLIST AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2011 ADVENTURECYCLING.ORG 31 ICELAND - 3

like crap.” That’s how I got to sample slátur Borgarnes and , Iceland’s second city, which sits in a sheltered natural har- travails. More likely, their outlook is due (pronounced slouter), a sausage made of biggest city at 17,000 people and its north- bor at the end of the inlet. to their thousand-year geographic isola- sheep liver, blood, and intestines, ground ern sightseeing hub, are ideal for cycling — Depleted by the tough two-day ride, I tion and near-unpronounceable Viking up together, sewed up in a ball, boiled, and if you’re headed southwest. Unfortunately, switched into R&R mode for the next 36 language, which is unintelligible even to sliced, and Brennivín, a 40-percent-alcohol I was still going northeast into a freezing hours. I found a B&B and a supermarket, the linguistically similar but modernized liquor dating from Viking times made from headwind. swam laps in the pool, and made a visit Danes, Swedes, and Norwegians. Seeing fermented potato pulp and caraway seeds. Back-to-back 170- and 140-kilometer to the famous Listagi Street art and craft me fumble over a nine-syllable street name It’s known as the Black Death, and I know days on this busy, barren, shoulderless center. Of I continued eating all while asking directions to a hardware store, why. It tastes like black licorice from hell. stretch of rolling road, almost devoid of the Viking I could lay my hands on. several people just looked at each other, “And do you in America eat svid (pro- stores and shelter were only made tolerable I tried hákarl (pronounced how-kahrl), threw their hands up, and laughed. “Just nounced “sweeth)?” he asked. “You must by the lack of rain, my rested legs, and my a gray cube of putrefied shark with tiny look for a long word that starts with a T,” try it. It’s an entire roasted sheep’s head, new upbeat attitude. The ho-hum scen- bones and a nostril-twisting ammonia reek. they said. with the eyeballs, ears, and other parts ery — pastoral farmlands, volcanic moon- And I became addicted to , a tasty They apparently like to laugh so much intact.” scapes, grasslands with grazing horses and Icelandic cheese-like yogurt with a built-in that they elected a comedian to one of the Before he shut the hostel down for the sheep, and occasional Christmas tree-lot spoon in the lid. most important offices in the country night, Victor asked if I’d be passing through forests — finally got interesting the last I received more history on Iceland’s pre- Jon Gnarr, a non-politician and Iceland’s Husavik, a small town in the far north 30 50 miles. Long, steep climbs led to a veri- carious economics from the B&B’s friendly best-known comic, had been elected miles from the Arctic Circle best known for table Little Switzerland — row after row manager-owner, Elin Conway, daughter of Reykjavik’s mayor the night before. The whale watching. When I said no, seeing on of snowcapped peaks with the white stuff a G.I. stationed here during World War II, only candidate of his self-created Best the map that Husavik was a full day’s ride dripping down the sides like melted marsh- when the U.S. and Britain took over the Party, he ran on the slogan, “Government off the Ring Road and I couldn’t spare the mallow on ice cream. island for several years. The one and only. The extra miles couldn’t keep Roy from the Icelandic Phallological Museum. in Iceland is a joke. So who better to run time, he shook his head. “Then you will The reward came when the road topped “You know, I was a big-time real it?” In an attempt to calm the nerves of miss another unique thing in this coun- out at 4,000 feet and I began a wild estate agent before the crash,” she said then defaulting. Unemployed, she has since I found the Icelanders to be a help- the business community after the election, try found nowhere else in the world: the 90-minute, 30-mile descent that led all the with a laugh. “We were all trying to be emmigrated to Canada. ful, outgoing people who enjoy a good he said, “No one has to be afraid of the Icelandic Phallological Institute.” way to the outskirts of Akureyri. Facing Americans — so I drove a Range Rover When I told Elin I wanted to take mysa laugh, at odds with the dour reputations of Best Party because it is the best party. If it My curiosity was piqued. After all, how a breathtaking wall of mountains framing and took expensive vacations. I loved San back to America to sell to health- their Nordic cousins on mainland Europe. wasn’t, it would be called the Worst Party could I come all the way to Iceland and not Eyjafjörður, Iceland’s longest fjord, the Francisco.” Her daughter Ritta was a top stores, she gave me her business card and They have sort of an odd-man-out view or the Bad Party.” go to the renowned Penis Museum? Ring Road turns right for the last 10 bliss- manager at Iceland’s Landsbanki bank that said she’d help me market it as the “Viking of life that might stem from their coun- Bad puns were flying two days later Size Matters ful miles into town. Heading south for the precipitated the country’s rise and fall chest-hair grower.” try’s modern-day economic and geological following a crazy-hard climb out of town The 210 miles of Ring Road between first time, tailwinds whisked me into the by offering exorbitant interest rates and  TRAVEL-SET  Waterproof Bicycle Touring Set 

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32 ADVENTURE CYCLIST AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2011 ADVENTURECYCLING.ORG ADVENTURE CYCLIST AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2011 ADVENTURECYCLING.ORG 33 On my last day on the Ring Road, I stopped by several pretty waterfalls, then rode the last 30 miles into Reykjavik, stop- The real art of the bicycle is for each to have its purpose. ping for a swim and a shower. Before catch- ing my airport bus, I took a picture with a troll, downed a couple tubs of Skyr, ate a lamb hot dog at the Baejarins Beztu hot dog stand (known as the most popular restau- The perfect marriage between humanity and machinery. rant in the country since Bill Clinton ate a lamb dog there a decade ago), then headed up to the landmark Hallgrímskirkja (the church of Hallgrímur) for a final picture. At the rocketship-shaped church, I ran into a tall Scotsman on a touring bike. It had four waterproof panniers and a full camping kit. He wore a rain jacket imprint- ed with the words Paris-Brest-Paris 2007, referring to a famed 762-mile ride held every four years in France to be completed in three and a half days. This guy was a hard-core randonneur. Ascent of a different kind. Roy joins others to top 6,921-foot Hvannadalshnjúkur. “How’d your trip go?” he asked. “I saw you head off from here 10 days ago. on the Ring Road and a night in Mývatin again. I was going to do the Ring Road too, but National Park, a pretty mini-Yellowstone But the riding was coming to an end. got intimidated by the rain and wind.” He with a lake, volcanic hot pools, and stinky, After doing 440 mostly hard miles, I still stayed in town that day and instead opted sulfurous fumes. I looked at the map and had 500 to go and only three days to do it for the Golden Circle route, a tough, sight- realized that I not only had no hope of — so I did the logical thing and bused the seeing-rich 186-mile loop in the Reykjavik/ American Made. Oregon Made. Handmade. completing the Ring Road, but was only 35 Ring Road around to the island’s southern southwest region with nearly 10,000 feet www.co-motion.com miles from Húsavík and what could very shore. of climbing. He got some great photos of well be the climax of my trip — the Penis In my hostel’s dinner hall, a large group waterfalls and geologic formations. Museum! of Icelanders invited me to join them for As I looked at his camera screen, I Believe me, this members-only institute, hrutspungar (chewy pickled ram’s testi- thought, “This guy should have been my identified on the street by a tall wooden cles), and svid (the blackened sheep’s head partner!” On the other hand, he didn’t mix log carved into the shape of an erect penis, with eyes and intact teeth that Victor had much with the locals and stuck to his own measured up to expectations. Highlights told me about). As we washed Sven (as oatmeal, sardines, and energy bars — no of the Phallological Institute’s 276-speci- we named him) down with shots of Black cool Icelandic stuff like Svid. And he did men collection include a 67-inch sperm Death, the group’s leader, a 48-year-old bail out on the Ring Road even before he whale penis preserved in formaldehyde, a named Odin, explained that my compan- started. 48-incher mounted on the wall like deer ions were part of a larger group of several Bottom line? The Ring Road has a nice antlers, lampshades made from bull tes- hundred who the next morning would be ring to it, but it’s not for the weak of heart ticles, and, as of May, its first human climbing up the country’s largest and tall- (or legs). Iceland is big, harsh, and spread schlong: the 11-inch pickled penis of newly est glacier, 6,921-foot Hvannadalshnjúkur, out. You need at least 10 days to do it right deceased 95-year-old Icelander Pall Arason. which covers 11 percent of the island’s land — by car. By bike, double that time if you “He was a boaster, a braggart, a funny mass. They’d all trained for four months in can, go in mid-summer (when it’s merely guy,” said curator Sigurdur Hjartarson, the a program called “Reach the Top.” cold, not freezing), and be social. The 69-year-old former Reykjavik college pro- “We’d invite you to come along,” Odin descendants of the will show you fessor who had founded the Phallological said, “but this is rough, steep stuff requir- stuff you can’t see anywhere else. Museum in the capital and moved it up ing ropes and crampons most of the way. north when he retired three years ago. No way riding your bike for a few days Roy M. Wallack owes it all to bike touring. An article Nature does not hurry, Allowing Húsavík tourists to combine would give you the fitness to keep up.” about his 1982 Pacific-to-Atlantic tour launched yet everything is accomplished his journalism career. His first book, The Traveling whale watching and whale penis watch- He didn’t know his own headwinds. My Cyclist, detailed his many trips in the 1980s and It took us a little while, but finally we’ve engineered a fully-functioning ing, the museum is considered a significant legs were super fit from the ordeal. Joining 1990s, including the first into the USSR. His son was eco-friendly fender. Made of fast growing Moso Bamboo and designed stimulus to the local economy. the fast group the next morning, I went to born exactly nine months after his 1994 honeymoon with a compound curve to help you stay dry, our Grasshopper Fenders tandem ride from Nice, France, to Rome. Last sum- Turning south to Akureyri, I basked in the roof of Iceland and back in 11 hours. At truly are a better bicycle product for a better world. planetbike.com mer, they did their first father-son tandem trip, from the sweet afterglow of a 30-MPH tailwind the top, the Reach the Toppers celebrated Portland, Oregon, to Yellowstone. An L.A. Times fit- for 40 miles. Suddenly I remembered that like it was the Super Bowl. For many of ness columnist, Roy has edited several bike magazines cycling was fun. It was actually kind of them, Odin told me over swigs from a flask and written five bike and running books, including romantic: After spending time with 276 of mysa, it was a chance to “get in touch Bike for Life: How to Ride to 100. phalluses, I fell in love with bike touring with their roots” after some years of excess.

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