Freak in the ’Sheets Need an assist to bring out your inner ? These worksheets will help you fi gure out what you’re really into.

BY STELLA HARRIS @stellaerotica Researching common fantasies—and the wanted and desired by their partner—a com- reasons why they’re so popular—is an easy mon theme. As an intimacy coach, one of the most com- way to find ideas of things you might like to Whatever you’re into, it’s important to mon questions I hear is, “How do I know try. A recent study by Dr. Justin Lehmiller remember there’s no such thing as “normal” what I want when you don’t even know what compiled the most popular fantasies among sex. We all have quirks when it comes to the the options are?” American adults. Unsurprisingly, at the top things we enjoy. And when it comes to the Many times, people feel like something is was multipartner sex. Second was power, freedom of the fantasy world, things can get missing from their sex lives—or they’re eager control and rough sex. Some people fi nd a bit weird. Whatever you’re into, you’re not alone. to explore but have no idea where to start. of pain helps with mindfulness and staying Ready to dig deeper? Here are some ques- Luckily, there are a variety of tools that can present. For others, intensity helps them feel tions to contemplate: help the process of discovery.

1. Does the idea of restraint turn you on? 5. Do you enjoy the idea of serving your 8. Do you like the idea of being some- partner? one else in the bedroom? Yes No Yes No Yes No If you said yes: Explore light . Start with something you can If you said yes: If you said yes: fi nd around the house—like a pair of old stockings, Acts of service are one of the love languages for a Experiment with role . Find a character that say—and make sure you’ve got some EMT shears reason. But with kink, you can take it a step further. appeals to you—someone from media or fi ction who handy to cut them o . Turn a meal into a ritual by having your partner pay exhibits the kind of sexuality you want to feel—and attention to every step of the process, while praising get into that role with the help of clothes, makeup, your work. Try cleaning the house in a sexy outfi t, or music, etc. Sometimes, being in character can give us 2. Do you enjoy being in control? letting someone serve you with a massage or break- the freedom to explore things we wouldn’t do as our- Yes No fast in bed. selves. If you said yes: 6. Do you fi nd the idea of multipartner 9. Are you looking for more intimacy? Being the person tying your partner up can be a great way to experience control, but it’s not the only option. sex appealing? Yes No Try planning a scene that will allow you to call the shots and tell your partner what to do. Yes No If you said yes: If you said yes: Intimacy doesn’t come only from sex. Try sharing vul- nerable stories from your past or even from childhood Start with dirty talk and fantasy play. Talk about what 3. Do you fi nd pain arousing? or learning a new skill together. Plan a date night kind of person you’d like to include in your sex and that’s all about kissing and nothing more—believe it or what kind of things you’d like to do together. If you Yes No not, kissing is one of the most fantasized sex acts. want to test it in real life, consider going to a strip If you said yes: club with your partner. See what it feels like to watch Start with something simple, like spanking. Begin them watching someone, and being turned on by 10. Are you looking for more intensity? slowly, with plenty of chance for your body to warm someone else. If that feels sexy to you, spring for a up to the new sensation. If you decide it’s something couples dance. If you’re still full steam ahead after Yes No you enjoy, pick up tools for impact like paddles and that, remember you need to treat people like people, canes. not sex toys—unless that’s their kink. If you said yes: Sometimes a bit of rough play is a great way to add 7. Do you sometimes just feel like intensity to your sex, and feel more wanted. Try some 4. Do you like the idea of being rough body play—push your partner onto a bed and watched while having sex? being taken care of? pin them down. If you have some clothes ready for the trash, give them a last hurrah by wearing them Yes No Yes No explicitly so they can be torn o your body. Stockings are terrifi c for this, as are T-shirts, especially if you If you said yes: If you said yes: give yourself a head start by cutting a slit in the . For starters, put on a show for your partner. Try a Sometimes we just want a little pampering. If you strip tease or have them watch you in the shower. want to turn this into a kink, try playing a well-loved Maybe let them watch you touch yourself. You can pet. Curl up in bed and have your hair brushed. Have also play with taking erotic selfi es or videos. Ready food brought to you. Be told what to do. Playing with to take things to the next level? Check out one of power doesn’t have to look “mean”—it can also be Portland’s sex clubs where you can safely—and nurturing. legally—get yourself a live audience (see page 15). Your Sexual Inventory Circle three to fi ve things you’ve already tried that you’d like to do more of and three to fi ve things you haven’t done but would like to try soon, then compare notes with your partner.

• Analingus/pimming • Anal sex • Foot massage • Threesomes Voyeurism • Giving oral sex • Bondage/restraint • Mutual masturbation • Gags • Erotic/nude modeling Exhibitionism • Receiving oral sex • Biting/being bitten • Nipple play • Hair pulling • Orgasm denial Uniforms • Vaginal intercourse • Anal toys • Nipple clamps • Watching porn • Orgasm control • Costumes • Humiliation/embar- • Anal fi ngering • Blindfolds • Role play • Pain • Wrestling rassment • Cock rings • Caning • Rough sex • Riding crops • Collar & leash • Same-sex exploration • Delayed gratifi cation • Clothespins • Sex parties/clubs • Boot/shoe worship • Enema play • Sex in front of a • Dirty talk • Cross dressing • Kink parties/clubs • Electrical play • Medical play mirror • Dom/sub play • Phone sex • Spanking • Scratching/being • Reading erotica • Sex outdoors • Erotic massage • Cyber/text sex • Paddling scratched • Tickling • Shower sex • Vaginal fi sting • Public sex • Flogging • Urine play • Marks/bruises • Masturbating during sex • Food play • • Strap-on play • Vibrators alone • Pet play • Gender exploration • Prostate massage • Wax play • Vibrators with a partner • Masturbating in front of • Group sex • Face slapping • Ice cubes • Dildos a partner

Stella Harris is a Portland sex educator and intimacy coach. She is the author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships.