AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHIC EXPLORATION INTO BIPOLAR DEPRESSION AND SOCIAL SUPPORT AS A FACTOR OF RESILIENCE Wonda Baugh A Dissertation Submitted to the Graduate College of Bowling Green State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY May 2015 Committee: Sandra Faulkner, Advisor Sheri Wells-Jensen, Graduate Faculty Representative Ellen Berry Sarah Rainey ii ABSTRACT Sandra Faulkner, Ph.D., Advisor This dissertation is an autoethnographic inquiry into mental illness, social support, and voluntary kinship. I explore relationships with my voluntary kin - people who act as family without biological or legal ties - and the types of supportive relationships in which we engaged that helped me accept the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder (BPD). Because of their communication and commitment to me, I learned to thrive while complying with mental health treatment. This document describes the process by which I went from being self-centered to other-centered; from social support receiver to social support provider; and from defining myself as an individual to understanding my role in the collective. iii All that matters are relationships and health. Everything else is—there is a word in Greek its called, skoupídia. It means more than garbage. It means stupid. It means so much! Skoupídia! That’s what everything else is and I’m finding that out more, as I get older. Possessions. Even educational attainment, even business acumen means nothing. Nothing! ~ Kathy Stathis iv ACKNOWLEDGMENTS For this project to have been accomplished, I needed so much help and support along the way. First, my very large and very supportive family and friends blessed me even when I did not always know what I was saying, or where I was—they kept me in their prayers. To them and their extended faith circles, thank you. Your belief in me helps me hold myself responsible for being the best person I can be; your love reminds me to be kind to myself. Receiving and feeling unconditional love has been a great gift that I strive to pass along through this work. To my parents, thank you for putting up with me pushing your boundaries and rising to the occasion of becoming awesome supporters, friends and confidants. Thanks to my dad for technical support and equipment, and thanks to my mom for being my biggest cheerleader and fiercest supporter. To my sister for always reminding me that a sister’s love is not predicated on agreeing on things, but really based on bad puns. To my brother-in-law and my nephews, thank you for making room in your house, including me in your life, and for always accepting me. Kathy and Andy Stathis, thank you for taking godparenting so seriously; the world would be better is everyone had an extra set of adults in their lives. Bill and Saundra James, thank you for getting me through so many rough times and teaching me that I am worthy of friendship. Dr. Yetta Howard, thanks for inspiring me to go to college and for continuing to have the same arguments with me for over a decade. Dr. Stephanie Brzuzy, thank you for encouraging me to trust my process and for always being on my side. To Jim and Karen Van Vlerah, I appreciate all of the times I spent relaxing in your home more than you can imagine. Dr. Abby Van Vlerah, thanks for sharing your knowledge, friendship, basement, and your lake with me; I could not have done this without you on my side. v To Alison Downey, there are not enough words in our language to express how profoundly special you are to me or how blessed I am to have had you in my life all of these years. You shaped my thinking in every way possible but, most importantly, you taught me what love and compassion are and how friendship can be the most important healing action people can do for themselves and one another. I can say in all sincerity that you have saved my life on numerous occasions and, if my work touches anyone, it is as much of your legacy as it is mine. To Vicky Kulicke, Sophia and Anthony, thank you for opening your home and hearts to me; I am glad to be included in your family. Thank you my colleagues at ASU and UC who always told me I was smart enough: Hillary Pinney, Joyce Kammoun, Mi Puchon, Kate Livingston, and Jackie Arcy. Thanks for the friendship of my BGSU colleagues: Debbie Ribera, Suzanne Berg, Lisa Wornozof-Dashcoff, Michael Hale and Tiffany Knoell. Thank you to Amy Drees for the encouragement and copyediting. Thank you to my dissertation committee who were willing to take this journey with me: Drs. Sarah Rainey, Ellen Berry and Sheri Wells-Jenson. Finally, thank you to Dr. Sandra Faulkner who taught me that autoethnography has been my medium all along. Your guidance and knowledge has been invaluable. Thank you for believing in this project before I knew where it was going. I am glad to call you and yours my friends. Finally, to Nick: you rescued me and have been my companion since I was an insecure re-entry student. At times you were the only reason I got out of bed, and you were always the reason I came home at night. You are the best dog in the world, and I honor you as my most constant social supporter and my chosen kin. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS Page CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION AND LITERATURE REVIEW..................................... 1 Introduction............................................................................................................... 1 Literature Review...................................................................................................... 3 Bipolar Depression........................................................................................ 3 Advocacy & Activism................................................................................... 5 Medical Colonization & Stigma ................................................................... 8 My Story ....................................................................................................... 9 Mental Illness Memoir.................................................................................. 12 Social Support............................................................................................... 15 Family Systems............................................................................................. 17 Voluntary Kin ............................................................................................... 18 Chosen Kin.................................................................................................... 21 LGBTQ Chosen Kin ..................................................................................... 23 CHAPTER II: METHOD .................................................................................................... 25 Autoethnography....................................................................................................... 25 The Stories We Do and Do Not Tell............................................................. 27 Interviews.................................................................................................................. 28 Cast ........................................................................................................................... 30 Kathy............................................................................................................. 30 Tina Marie..................................................................................................... 32 Alison............................................................................................................ 33 vii Julee .............................................................................................................. 34 Yetta.............................................................................................................. 34 Written Correspondence ........................................................................................... 35 Blog........................................................................................................................... 35 Poetry ........................................................................................................................ 36 Trauma Writing/Autobiographical Fiction ............................................................... 37 Data Analysis ............................................................................................................ 38 CHAPTER III: MY STORY................................................................................................. 41 The First Cut Is the Deepest: Teenage Institutionalization....................................... 42 California Conservation Corps ................................................................................. 64 Serious Depression Take Two: A Sudden Death...................................................... 70 Sisterhood Is Powerful.............................................................................................. 76 Waking up Gay ......................................................................................................... 85 Hypomanic Hospitalization: The Onset of BPD....................................................... 93 The Beginning of the End of My Fabulous San Francisco Life ............................... 111 Mania ........................................................................................................................ 116 CHAPTER IV: THE SLOW ROAD TO RECOVERY........................................................ 131 Banishment: I Wandered the Desert ........................................................................