Footy by F J Willett © 1-1-15 1

Every code is different. Every football code has it's supporters, it's detractors, it's characters and it's drama. And every football code has at least one thing that makes it unique.

Take rugby. It's not for nothing that forward props train by bashing their heads into brick walls. Rugby is the ideal game for the thick and the mentally deficient. This is perhaps the reason that rugby is considered such a great training ground for politicians.

Rugby is a game where having the strength and mental capacity of an ox can be an advantage. Indeed it has been claimed that the St George club once played a dumb ox as a winger for a whole season and no one noticed. This tells us as much about the supporters of rugby as it does about the players.

The ox's name was Cedric. There as not a lot to distinguish him from any other footballer. He didn't say much, but then most rugby players don't. He looked like an ox, of course, but then so do most rugby players. He always seemed to be chewing, but then what footballer isn't. No, the real give away was his tendency to moo in the scrums.

And whatever his ancestry there is no doubt that he was a great footballer. It's not that he was fast, and he did have a deplorable habit of stopping to graze just as he got the ball, but once he started to move there was no stopping him. By the end of the season he had earned the respect of everyone at the club, and seemed set for a long and brilliant career.

The tragedy is he never played a second season. His agent was asking too much, St George dropped him, and in the end he received a better offer from a local abattoirs.

Now consider soccer. What is one to think of a code where more interesting things happen in the grandstand than on the field?

Certainly soccer players display magnificent ball control. They can catch the ball on the toe of their boot, flip the ball from toe to toe, bounce the ball off their head and chest. All this without leaving the showers.

No. There's only one football code that requires a balanced blend of skill and strength, toughness and humanity, and that's Aussie Footy by F J Willett © 1-1-15 2

Rules.

The tragedy is that few of it's players are skilled, strong, tough and human. But characters football has in spades. A few of them are captured on the following sketches:-

Slugger Barnes

While Australian Rules Football is generally played in the true spirit of sportsmanship, there is the occasional lapse into violence on the part of some of it's practitioners. This head high on Slugger Barnes (captured here by our shetch artist) demonstrates the high degree of skill and finesse with which tackles of this type can be applied.

Slugger was, as you might expect, stretchered from the ground but made a complete recovery by the following saturday's match. Slugger's critics claim that this was because most of his brains are located in another part of his anatomy.

Simmo

The most spectacular mark ever recorded was this effort by Simmo in the West Adelaide under 19's in a grudge match at the against Mt Gambier reserves. It was well into the second half when bodies were lying everywhere from illegal tackles and a film unit from the Australia Council was shooting footage that would later be used as carnage scenes in the film "Galipolli" that Simmo lept high into the air over a pack of Mt Gambier players to take this spectacular mark.

Unfortunately his arms were being held and he had to improvise. The ball had to be surgically removed.

Stretch

The smallest player ever to take the field at league level was "Stretch" Murphy. A nuggety little player "Stretch" was so short he could run under a sheep without taking his hat off. His great asset as a player was that he was exactly the right height to bite an opponent's knee-cap. This invariably took the opponents mind off the game and more often than not "Stretch" would come out of the resulting pack with the free.

It couldn't last, of course. Eventually the umpires tumbled to what as going on and his endearing trait earned "Stretch" a string of 3 Footy by F J Willett © 1-1-15 3

match suspensions. "Stretch" played with Collingwood for 3 seasons from 1933-6 and took part in the 1936 grand finals. Tragedy struck when "Stretch"'s mum pulled him off the ground in the vital third quarter to change his nappy. Needless to say the 'woods went on to loose and "Stretch" left the club in disgrace.

Spud Murphy

There was one footy team that hadn't won a match all season. If it was't injury problems then someone was out of form or the luck just didn't run their way. Then all of a sudden everything fell into place. For once all the players were 100% fit and they all played like men possessed. It was a minute into in the last quarter and they were in front against the league leaders.

But the coach was worried. The league leaders had come back strongly kicking the last three goals and now trailed by only 5 points. The coach turned to his last reserve.

"Murhpy," he said. "A goal will seal it for us. You've got fresh legs. Go on the ball and kick a goal."

Murphy went to the centre. From the bounce he grabbed the ball. With dazzling footwork he slipped through the pack and charged out of the square. He bounced the ball once, twice, then from seventy metres out launched an incredible kick that split the white uprights just as the siren sounded.

"How's that coach?" he yelled towards the coach's bench.

"Not bad, Murphy," said the coach. "but it would have been better if you'd kicked it through our goals."

Teeth

Pick up the humble football and look at it. Few people realise the history encapsulated in this simple piece of leather. Every time I look at a footy I remember a Sydney-sider, Bob "Airhead" Jordan, and how he made his mark in Aussie Rules, OK?

Bob arrived in Australia at Botany Bay with the first fleet. He waded ashore just behind (and to the left) of Captain Phillip. He was just taking off his boots to wring out his socks when he was spotted as a likely player by a scout from the Collingwood football club and signed up. This was exceptionally far sighted of the club as football wasn't to be invented for another 70 years. But then the Collingwood club has always prided itself on being ahead of the pack. Footy by F J Willett © 1-1-15 4

Not that any of this worried Bob. A dour defender he was always quick to point out that no goals were scored against him during this period. But Bob's greatest game, indeed his only game, was played at full forward. Bob was well into his ninties when he got onto a football field for the first time and if this game is any indication Bob might have been in some ways, the greatest footballer of them all.

The fact is that Bob's hearing wasn't too flash and his hearing trumpet really needed new batteries. So it's not surprising he thought someone behind him was passing uncomplimentary comments about his age, and the colour of his Chesty Bonds. Quick as a flash Bob wheeled around and tried to deck the goal post.

Naturally the goal post was unmoved by Bob's attitude. Nor was the goal post impressed by the jumping up and down Bob started doing with his newly splintered hand. Bob may very well have had another go at the goal post, but the 'Woods chose that moment to swing into attack. The moment of truth had arrived for the 90 year old Bob "Airhead" Jordan nursing a broken hand.

Well the centre half forward got the ball, lined up the goals and kicked. Bob, on the goal line leapt into the air, and because of his injured hand, attempted to take the mark with his teeth.

Did I mention that Bob had false teeth?

That goal is the only one in the history of the AFL that has been credited to a set of dentures.

It is in memory of that goal and Bob's dentures that to this day the humble Australian Rules football is topped by some decorative lacing that resembles nothing so much as the pattern of Bob's teeth.

Old Bill

Like every walk of life football has had it's fair share of shady characters. Notable among these was "Light-fingers" Bill Fairall whose propensity to make off with other people's wallets was legendary among Norwood's players of the '30's. Bill was unable to control his addiction for larcenous legerdemain. Eventually he was caught attempting to pick the umpires pocket in a minor round match against South Adelaide.

This resulted in a 15 yard penalty which cost the redlegs a goal and the match. Inevitably the club decided to dispensed with Bill's Footy by F J Willett © 1-1-15 5

services, so Bill left football to seek a job more in keeping with his talents. He became managing director of a bank.