April 14, 2008 Vol. XXIV No. 12 one copy FREE

NORTHWESTERN MICHIGAN COLLEGE WHITE PINE PICKLE WehewtotHeluTejJei^^ NMC Security cameras watch over has new NMC dorm rooms mascot ■ ABRAHAM MORRISON ■ Pickle Staff Writer JIM MCCORMICK In the future, previously Pickle Staff Writer unsuspecting students living I The NMC Board ofTrust- in NMC’s East and West Hall ees has officially announced dorm rooms will have an extra that it has selected a new mas­ set of eyes keeping them safe. cot. Beginning in the fall of Over spring break, security 2008, NMC will become cameras were installed in sever­ home of: the Lumberjacks. al dorm, rooms in West Hall. “We are very excited to “At least one camera has make this announcement and been installed in half of the plans are already underway for dorm rooms in West Hall,” an unveiling ceremony this said Sharlice Smith, NMC summer,” said NMC president campus security director. “We Tim Nelson. believe that safety is the most The decision to change to important consideration when the Lumberjack from the be­ making a decision on wheth­ loved pine tree - chosen over er or not a student’s privacy is the Petoskey stone in 1980 being violated.” - came about after Stanford The cameras, which feature University in California filed wide-angle lenses and high-res­ a Federal lawsuit for copyright olution recording document infringement. the activity taking place in the “It was very disappointing dorms. There are not at this time that it had to come about this plans to have cameras installed way, but we really feel that this in the bathroom or shower areas is new era for NMC and its due to what Smith called “archa­ students,” said Nelson. ic isolationist attitudes.” Stanford officials did not re­ “We have already been see­ turn phone calls made by the ing encouraging results,” said WPP, but a source close to the Smith. “In the first two days situation quoted on the condi­ of classes after spring break, tion of anonymity said, “The we had eight minor in posses­ school feels that the pine tree sion tickets handed out, but is a representation of Stanford since that time we have only University. Not only, the school handed out one or two a day.” itself, but its student body, When asked to comment and what they can accomplish, on the cameras, President Nel­ like.. .well, we don’t know how son said, “We made a decision a tree does that. That’s just the based on the situation, and way it’s always been.” BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY Second-year student Jeffrey Hanson relaxes in his the factors involved with that NMC’s new mascot was West Hall dorm room the week after spring break, under the watchful eye of the new situation. In light of those fac­ chosen from five finalists: the in-room security camera installed while he was in Cancun. Footage from the camer­ tors, I am confident that the Blob fish, the platypus, the as is being data based and placed online. Ensuring student safety is the main reason right decision has been made. carp and the sturgeon. So how for the new cameras, but Hanson sees another benefit: "Someday, when I'm a father, No decision is ever made did the Board of Trustees settle I'll be able to relive all these great moments from college with my family. See kids? See MASCOT on pg 2 There's your dad!" See CAMERAS on pg 2

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■ SECOND TO NONE WEST BAY FIND REWRITES HISTORY lip, ' FROM the sea of tranquility TO YOU | P9 P13 POOC i\r Inn A 09 NEWS April 14, 2008 on campus WHITE PINE PICKLE

BUSH GETS DUI IN BRIEF Written by NED TISBY

Nudist student thriving at U of M NMC alumnus Fredericka Grenfelter, the “nudist student” who caused a stir by walking in last year’s graduation ceremony sans gown, has been warmly received at her new school, the University of Michigan. “Everyone’s been so friendly,” said Grenfelter, who has four-pointed her classes in international relations and chairs the uni­ versity’s spirit club. NMC officials offered their thanks and support. “It was the best-attended ceremony we’ve ever had,” said Director of Public Relations Paul Heaton. “In the week after graduation, the Foundation received many generous donations. Thanks Fredericka.” Grenfelter is the leading student representative of the Student Peace Alliance at U of M and has begun her own student group at the uni­ versity: the U-M Nudists.

Initiator initiates initiative Director of Organizational Efficiency John Wilcomb has finalized a new plan to streamline operations at NMC. But getting there hasn’t been a walk in the park. “At first I ran into a brick wall of red tape, but with this plan we will lateralize our cost structure to meet cur­ rent benchmarks and put NMC on sound footing,” said Wilcomb. “I’m going to go to the mat here and say you knocked this one outta the park; it was a grand slam. In fact, you can take your victory lap now if you would like,” said Vice President Stan Smalley. The initia­ tive takes effect in the fall of 2010.

WRECKLESS ABANDON President George W. Bush received a DUI on Thursday, SGA denies Snow Dance Club funding April 10 after he suspiciously drove his "back-up" vehicle to a park near Washington, Spring weather has the snow melting, but not everyone is happy D.C. without a license while intoxicated. "I was in the mood for some fresh air, and I about it. NMC’s Snow Dance Club, which has seen its membership had a little to drink," said Bush from the White House later that day. Bush is hoping the plummet since December, was dealt another setback last week when incident will increase his approval rating since he now feels like he "can connect with the SGA denied a 1,200-dollar request for funds intended to be many Americans on common ground." No serious consequences followed. used to hold their “Shun the Sun” dance event. SGA President Vic­ tor Draine was unapologetic: “Something tells me the student body and larger community wouldn’t be interested in a snow dance event CAMERAS continued in April.” without first calculating the impact that it could Jamie Laird, a first-year student staying in have on decisions made in the past, the present West Hall said, “I like having them around. I and, most importantly, the future of the college.” used to be nervous at night, staying in a build­ The data from the cameras is collected and stored ing with so many people, so far from home. on a hard drive before being recorded onto DVDs, Now I feel like if something bad happened, which will soon be made readily available to students someone would see it and help.” and the community at the Osterlin Library. Others are simply being rational. “We’d like to think of it as a type of ‘commu­ “A lot of my friends have gotten tickets, sus­ nity watch’ program,” said Smith. “When students pensions and a couple even got arrested,” said know that anyone can see what they’re doing at all second-year student Phillip Johnston. “But I A&E EDITOR Justin Drabek ADVERTISING MANAGER Christy Gray times, we’re hoping they’ll think before they act.” don’t really have a problem with the cameras. GRAPHIC DESIGNERS/ Carl Harlan. Lidia Dart, Reactions by students have, on the whole, After all, if I’m not doing anything wrong, what PRODUCTION STAFF Ashley Kolodziej been positive. do I have to worry about?” ISSUE WRITERS Allison Peters, John Parker, Na­ than Kainste, Stefen Holtrey, continued Abraham Morrison, Sarah Za- MASCOT tolokin, Mercury Davis, Ted Gray­ on the Lumberjack? not been set, but it will be a great day and a great son, Ned Tisby, Jack Burgess “We just could not see calling NMC the home new beginning for NMC,” said Board member COLUMNISTS Tom Auch, Jerry Dobek, John of the platypi,” said Board of Trustees member Cheryl Gore Follette. Parker, Abraham Morrison Douglas S. Bishop. “And the Blob fish...well, no Several actives are being considered such as a log PHOTOGRAPHERS Julie Knauss PRODUCTION MANAGER Carl Harlan one knew what that was anyway, so that was out. roll, ax throw and a flapjack-eating contest. But one DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Joseph VanWagner So it came down the lumberjack or a fish, and we definite go-go is the open additions the school will DESIGN ADVISER Kelly Nogoski think we made the right choice.” hold to portray the Lumberjack and the Lumber- FACULTY ADVISER Michael Anderson The Board is not the only one happy with the jenny for NMC’s newest musical performance. choice. Chuck U. Farley, captain of NMC’s loan “We will be looking for a man and a woman NEWSROOM 231.995.1173 White Pine Press wel­ sports team and the chess club, is also pleased. who have charisma and charm,” said NMC theatre DISTRIBUTION 231.995.1526 comes comments, sug­ “We are very excited about this new opportu­ instructor Chris Pittinos. “Someone who can enter­ ADVERTISING 231.995.1347 gestions, ideas for news nity,” said Farley. “The possibilities are endless. We tain an audience while still maintaining the dignity FAX 231.995.2110 stories and calendar items. are kicking around the idea of making the NMC of the Lumberjack.” EMAIL [email protected] king and queen a Lumberjack and a Lumberjenny. Pittinos then insightfully added, “Oh, and We are also considering making our pawns into lit­ they’ll have to look good in flannel.” Auditions Printed by Morning Star Publishing and distributed free. tle tree stumps, so it’s a very exciting time”. will be held in Scholar’s Hall room 217 on Friday, Printed on 10O% recycled paper As for as the unveiling this summer: “A date has April 18 at 7:30 p.m. April 14, 2008 NEWS 03 WHITE PINE PICKLE on campus >> NMC to build smoke-free New sculpture dedicated to dome around campus memory of previous

ALLSION PETERS IPickle Editor-in-Chief sculptures In an attempt to keep out cigarette smoke from Zed, who is heading the oxygen input for the dome. NMC’s campus and make the college anoverall “Regular room air is only 21 percent oxygen, and Critics say wrong place, wrong better environment, the Board of Trustees recently- 100 percent oxygen is the level hospitals use resusci­ approved a petition of over 10 signatures to build a tate someone when they’re heart stops. So it’s a lot of large glass dome over the campus for the fall 2008 oxygen.” time for "Occasion Fable" school year. When asked if the intensity of pure oxygen in­ TED GRAYSON “It’s an unhealthy environment right now,” said side the dome could actually be a health risk, Zed Special to the Pickle Tracey Rosebush, a first-year student at NMC who simply replied: “You’ll notice a difference.” ■ originally suggested the idea of building the dome Buildings on campus, however, such as Osterlin Campus artsy-fartsy types replaced or “augmented” on a at a public forum regarding the 15-foot smoking and Les Beiderman, will still be circulated with the are gushing, but many faculty regular basis. Kids throw discs at rule last semester. same concentration of oxygen. and students are crying foul over them, birds build nests; public Rosebush pleaded with the Board of Trustees on Installment of the dome also means no more NMC’s decision to place a con­ attention is easily lost, he said. “I Monday, April 7 with a touching hour-long speech winters for NMC. The dome will be automatically troversial sculpture in the spot of just don’t understand why folks and presented the 11-signature petition for the set to a temperature of 68 degrees year-round, and a previously replaced sculpture aren’t as excited as I am.” construction of the dome along with self-designed although this, along with the cost of the oxygen, that was dedicated to the memo­ Nursing student Kim Schro­ blueprints after expressing her personal thoughts to means an extra yearly costs nearing two million ry of sculptures preceding it. eder said she thinks the college the sympathetic Board on the matter. dollars for the college, budget officials agree it’s an “How many stupid sculptures has too much art lying around Regarding the vigor of Rosebush’s presentation, expense they’re willing to make. are enough?” asked Jodie Tyler, already. Currently, NMC has Board of Trustees Chairman Walter J. Hooper said, “The dome is a unique idea that solves the an adjunct Economics instructor 420 sculptures positioned around “She wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I sup­ smoking problem at NMC,” said NMC President who is spearheading the campaign campus, most congregated in the pose we admired her perseverance. She came pre­ Tim Nelson. “Smokers and environmentalists alike to stop the college from paying wooded area by the museum. pared, and after the first 20 minutes, everything have protested, but to those of us who value the nearly 75,000 dollars for “Occa­ “I saw some high school just clicked. We began to wonder why we hadn’t in­ health of our students on campus, it would be ri­ sion Fable,” as the piece is called. kids trying to cart off the stalled a dome over NMC decades ago.” diculous not to build a dome around the college. “Like we need another expen­ piece by Scholar’s Hall,” she Many agree that this is a step in the right direc­ It’s a big change, but we can adapt. I’ve always been sive avant-garde twist of metal, said. “They were talking about tion for NMC. rather fond of domes myself.” or whatever, plopped down on listing it on eBay.” “This acute action will help NMC succeed in Smokers, who represent nearly half of the stu­ campus for the squirrels to crap Tyler predicted the new the future,” said sociology instructor, Dwight De- dent body on campus, disagree with the dome de­ on,” Tyler said. “And what was sculpture would be nothing but wright. “Now we’ll have the willpower that will no cision, since the Smoker Manifesto, a new series wrong with the first sculpture a graffiti-magnet. doubt make NMC the clean and shining campus of regulations written by Rosebush and approved there anyway?” “What else can you expect that we all knew it had the potential to be. I have by the Board of Trustees, states: “If smokers have “Occasion Fable” comes when there’s a museum and an complete confidence that this dome is fault-proof.” the urge to smoke, they must walk to an approved north from K-mart’s former art department on campus?” Rosebush, only 19 years old, hopes to inspire dome entrance and step outside of the dome at headquarters in Troy, where it said Tyler. “These people need others who want to raise awareness and make least 15 feet before proceeding to light a cigarette.” was commissioned for 800,000 something to show they matter, )) change. These new rules are leaving smokers dumb­ dollars. It stands 29 feet tall on a 1guess. “It just shows that everyone can make a dif­ founded and disgruntled. 44-by-44-foot base and is made ference,” said Rosebush. “I’m looking forward to “We used to have enough time to smoke be­ of duct tape, Popsicle sticks and breathing unworldly fresh air as I walk to my class- tween classes, but now I guess that’s out of the newborn tears. J) es. question,” said second-year student and smoker NMC earmarked 100,000 Unworldly fresh air is precisely how to de­ Alex Grada. “They’re taking away our rights, and dollars for new campus art last scribe the concentrated level of oxygen that will be we should fight back. Or at least smoke on campus spring. If given the green light pumped into the dome via the Chemical Com­ while we still can.” by the Board of Trustees, “Occa­ pound of Traverse City. Candy Wager, a psychology major who also sion Fable” would sit in the mid­ “The air will be approximately 73 percent pure smokes, has a different approach. “I could just drive dle of Cedar parking lot, where to the edge of the dome to smoke between classes, its predecessors drew ire from but I’d be too afraid that my parking space would students circling for a spot. be taken when I get back. Another parking lot Gene Jenneman, director of might solve that.” the Dennos Museum Center, To this proposition, NMC officials politely said “Occasion Fable” represents asked Wager to “not get in over [her] head” because the college’s dedication to re­ they “aren’t about to do anything too drastic.” place fine art with even finer art. Environmentalists have complained that while “It’s essential that we keep the issue of prominent cigarette smoke on cam­ out-doing ourselves,” said Jen­ pus is disheartening, NMC’s already low budget neman. “The old pieces were should not be spent entirely to heat and oxygenize great, but art is ever-evolving, the campus. and you have to keep up or else NMC has ignored the protests and, according to museum donations begin to the NMC grounds crew, dome construction is said drop off.” to be underway in June and should be finished in Jenneman said sculptures early August. age very quickly and must be April 14, 2008 04 news WHITE PINE PICKLE

FROM THE SOURCE'S MOUTH WORLD IN BRIEF By ALLISON PETERS Pickle Editor-in-Chief Compiled by JOHN PARKER from staff and wire reports

Washington Let them eat cake changes Chinese French President Nicolas Sar­ kozy announced plans this menu month to commit 5,000 sol­ Congress, despite debating sev­ diers to NATO’s effort in eral bills aimed at toughen­ Afghanistan. But Sarkozy, un­ ing U.S. Foreign policy with like his British and Ameri­ China, failed to pass any legis­ can counterparts, is arming lation this week that President his soldiers with more than Bush would not veto. Deter­ just guns: he is giving them Dennos mined to do something, Con­ cake. Each soldier will be is­ gress, upset with China’s recent sued a ten-pound pack filled clash with Tibetan protestors, with brioches, petit fours and achieved what House Majority chocolate croissants. The tasty Museum Leader Nancy Pelosi called, “a treats will be doled out to Af­ clear signal that we’re not play­ ghanis as the French soldiers Gene Jenneman talks ing around anymore”: Con­ make their security rounds. walking Eskimos and gress changed the names of all “It won’t work,” said State De­ Chinese items on their lunch partment Official Kenneth ferocious polar bears: menu. “Crispy Szechuan duck” Mattson. “We air-dropped the museum comes alive became “free speech duck.” hundreds of pounds of candy, “Egg rolls” became “freedom but the ungrateful brats ate it rolls.” “Sweet and sour sauce” and then ran away. That really On Wednesday morning, April 9, the White Pine WPP: What has been your most frightening ex­ was changed to “liberty sauce.” threw us; Operation Candy Press stopped by the Dennos Museum Center to learn perience during a night at Dennos? Moveon.org, disgusted with Drop was the cornerstone all the secrets and inside information from a rather Jenneman: Well, in October 2005, everything al­ Congress’ inability to do any­ of our Post-Taliban opera­ shaken Gene Jenneman, museum extraordinaire, who most all leaked out. It was around six in the morning, thing, published their own ver­ tion. We figured people could told us a little more than we bargained for: the Den­ and I was just positioning the alligator in the mid­ sion of what the menu should hold off on running water so nos Museum comes alive at night. dle of the floor when I saw a member of the Board be on their website. Their long as they had Twizzlers.” of Trustees walk past the museum outside. I froze as menu includes: Capitalist pig In Paris, reaction was mixed. WPP: As someone who has been at Dennos after the surefire sounds of the boar rusded around behind rolls, petroleum sauce, water- Bakers cheered, but police hours, what exactly goes on in the museum at me. I thought: this is it. No more donations, no more boarded chicken, a-bomb drop were called in to monitor night? funding. And it’s all my fault. But I guess he was too soup, and stupid American grumbling Frenchmen roving Jenneman: Working an all-night shift here interested in fixing his hair in the reflection to notice duck. An outraged Congress around the Bastille. at Dennos every once in a blue moon, I know a anything. That was a lucky break. But it scared me half did manage to pass a resolu­ thing or two about what goes on once the doors to death - more than any encounter with prehistoric tion condemning Moveon.org’s Baghdad spelling are locked and the lights turn off. Artwork miniature hunters. And a couple of teenagers tried to menu as “un-American.” On jumps out of the frames, the snakes slither out break in one night - probably to steal 3D glasses or a related note, after Congress bee without of their 3D book and swallow all the 3D choco­ something - but they just ran off when one of them changed its menu, surfers and winner late whole in the gift shop, the sharks on the saw a shark swimming around the ceiling. I think they beachgoers on the west coast screen sometimes mate with the mermaid stat­ just thought they were going crazy. I must admit the In an effort to westernize could hear one billion people ue, and before you know it, half of the museum live atmosphere at night does do a good job of keeping grade schools in Baghdad, laughing at us. is working a parallel dimension, and the music out those who are unwanted. a spelling bee was held this room’s a ruckus. The polar bear teams up with month for all children be­ the boar and together they’ll break the glass WPP: So why have you finally decided to let the Gore, Delay trade tween the ages of eight and cases and start gnawing on the Native American thirteen. Over three hundred public know the museum comes alive? "Yo Momma" sculptures while the alligator takes over the box Jenneman: It’s just time. I don’t know how much children competed for one of office, ringing the bell over and over and over... longer I can handle this job, and someone’s got to jokes the twenty-five spots in the take over. Besides, we just got that million-dollar do­ At the Americans for Bigger citywide competition. The WPP: So how do you control what happens in nation, so I don’t think letting people know about the Business Forum this month, event was held in Baghdad’s the museum? secret of Dennos will inhibit any funding too signifi- former Vice-President A1 Gore, Green-zone, and prominent Jenneman: You really can’t. I mean, I do my candy. I just hope - for the sake of whoever’s going to a keynote speaker, was open­ members of the Iraqi Parlia­ best, which is pretty good, if I don’t say so my­ take my place once I leave - they don’t decide to put ly heckled for his calls to re­ ment, along with President self. But when you’ve got a polar bear’s claws aim­ too many more vicious animals or emotionally im­ duce big business practices in Malawi, were in attendance. ing at your head and an alligator’s jaws ready to balanced pioneers on display once they add 10,000 the United States. When Gore But after forty-two rounds, clench your feet, you can’t expect to be perfect. square feet to the museum. said, “Mother Nature will not no winner was declared after The main thing to keep in mind, once you’re on tolerate this situation much no child was able to spell the your third or fourth night in a row, is that you al­ WPP: Have you ever spoken with Ben Stiller, longer,” former Senate Ma­ word “cooperation.” When ways have to change things up. Always improve who played the night guard in the movie “Night jority Leader Tom Delay, in asked to use it in a sentence, - how you deal with everything that comes alive. at the Museum”? an attempt to win the crowd the judges were unable to If a cranky spaceship is aiming for the piano, let Jenneman: Oh, sure. Heck, I gave him the idea shouted, “Yo Mama is like a agree on a sentence that con­ the piano play a few tunes to calm the ship down. for the movie. I actually wrote the book Night at bus - she’s big, smells and is veyed a sense of cooperation. If a group of ancient civilization Pacific island­ the Museum under the pseudonym Milan Trenc and only a dollar to ride.” Gore, ers wants to play hopscotch on the wall of the called up Ben throughout the process to give him before walking off-stage, re­ CANVAS exhibit, but you know she’s not used to some ideas of what it’s really like and how he should plied, “Yo Mama is so dumb, bright colors, suggest steering her toward some of react to something like, say, a T-Rex skeleton. Now, she got locked in a bathroom the Native American art. I’m no actor, but I think he pulled it off, don’t you?. and peed her pants.” April 14, 2008 SCOPE 0 5 WHITE PINE PICKLE Analysis In-depth V vy

GREGOR'S GONE Deborah Surely, left, a DNR officer in Blair Township, carries Gregor the polar bear to his new home at Grawn Caverns State Park last February. The unnamed stu­ dent, above, stands next to his vehicle outside of his parents' house where he proudly dis­ plays Gregor's head. NMC student kills last Grawn polar bear?

NATHAN KAINSTE al students present at the shindig, the student wandered Investigation into Grawn Caverns Pickle Staff Writer off to take a leak in the woods; that was the last anyone When news of the discovery reached members of the ■ saw or heard of him that evening. Grawn Caverns State Park Ranger Station, nearly five or Blair Township and Gregor the polar bear On Monday he appeared in class, and no one could six years of tradition was broken as the rangers, with heavy For nearly five or six years now, tourists from all over have suspected what had occurred that weekend. When hearts, breached the cavern’s nearly legendary walls weeks the Grand Traverse County have flocked to Blair Town­ NMC Campus Security passed by the student’s vehicle early to determine whether their suspicions were true. ships somewhat famous unincorporated community, later that day, they observed the remains of what appeared To their horror, the rangers discovered no slumber­ Grawn, for the annual Michigan Polar Bear Festival. Each to be a polar bear displayed on the hood of the student’s ing off-white giant, no snoring platinum-blonde behe­ year, Gregor the Grawn Polar Bear has emerged from hi­ car. The trophy did not violate any campus rules or regula­ moth. The walls of the beloved bear’s den were adorned bernation during the last week of April. tions, so no action was immediately taken. with signs of struggle: claw marks, broken beer bottles and Blair Township is home to nearly 7,000 citizens who, Since it was St. Patrick’s Day, the security guards left what appeared to be dried blood. Further forensic investi­ until one fateful day this March, relied on the Michigan the incident to deal with until the following day, not gation determined the blood to indeed be of ursine origin. Polar Bear Festival for approximately one-twelfth of the wanting to miss the pub crawl that afternoon. The next township’s annual income. During the festival, specta­ morning, contacting local Game and Wildlife Commis­ New Internet evidence tors would seat themselves on bleachers behind protec­ sion authorities, the officers were informed that several Until last week, there was no solid evidence connect­ tive screening, awaiting Gregors emergence from his den state and federal laws were indeed breached by the display, ing the suspect with the heinous crime. While surfing within Grawn Caverns State Park. The bear’s reaction to as the Michigan Polar Bear was an endangered - now ex­ the web last Wednesday, Ranger Rodney Garrison came seeing his own reflection in Grawn Lake would determine tinct- species, out-of-season for hunting; therefore, pos­ across a MySpace profile containing a photo in which the whether Grand Traverse County would benefit from any session of such contraband is punishable by confiscation suspect had been tagged. The unnamed NMC student spring-like weather at all or if winter would last until June, and a hefty fine to boot. was standing next to his vehicle upon which the trophy skipping over the season of spring entirely. Authorities were baffled when, by the time the suspect was clearly and proudly displayed. could be apprehended for questioning, the trophy was no­ Speculation still exists as to whether the digital photo­ St Patrick’s Day slaughter where to be found. The suspect pled his fifth-amendment graph will stand to justify any kind of legal argument on On March 15, the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day, rights throughout the length of the interrogation. There is the prosecution’s behalf. The defense council is already cit­ an NMC student whose name has been withheld to speculation that the suspect may have been tipped off by ing digital image editing software like Adobe Photoshop as protect the innocent was wandering in the woods sur­ one of NMC’s security officers. ground for discredit of the evidence. rounding Blair Township during an alleged St. Patrick’s Regardless, the photo caption openly stated: “1 shot Day celebration of keg and bonfire. According to sever­ that [expletive! polar bear! I shot a polar bear!” April 14, 2008 06 OPINION WHITE PINE PICKLE School buses taking GIVING BACK TO THE ENVIRONMENT right turn to NMC

REFILL, ANYONE? If there’s one quibble that students never fail to squabble over Flora Butterfly, a 23-year- here at NMC, it’s parking - lack of parking, that is. old biology student at In the past, NMC has ignored the pleas of students for more NMC, is making waves. parking lots on campus, insisting that even though more parking While most people pur­ permits are. administered than there are parking spaces, campus chase bottled water to parking space is sufficient. quench their thirst, But­ Perhaps more parking lots on campus does not make for a fea­ terfly has something dif­ sible solution. Perhaps the suggestion that we replace Scholar’s Hall ferent in mind. Outraged with a parking garage is just a little with the disappearing “—off. So we at the White Pine Pickle Great Lakes due to global THE ISSUE: have devised our own solution to warming and the govern­ the parking problem. Parking on campus ment's lack of response School buses. OUR VIEW: to this important issue, Yes; we’ve seen the benefits of The wheels on the bus go Butterfly is simply doing public transportation.' Look at San round and round... what any young envi­ Francisco, New York, London. Big ronmentalist would: she “cities dwell on their subways, their is pouring the bottled taxis, their ferries - their buses. It’s water into Grand Tra­ about time for NMC to simulate the same effect for its students. verse Bay. "It's a way of Not all students at NMC have reliable transportation. And those giving back," said Butter­ of us who do surely wouldn’t complain if we didn’t have to pay for fly, pouring a three liters gas. Think about it: students could get to their classes for free. (Of into the bay. "We have to course, students would likely have to pay extra in student fees for replenish the lakes some­ transportation, although the entire change of system should cost no how." more than 18 million dollars.) The question is, with thousands of students attending NMC, how would it work? Hypothetically, NMC could offer the option to only a select num­ LETTER TO THE EDITOR ber of students (like the WPP staff or Aramark employees or members of the Anime Club). But we should provide equal opportunity for all students, providing the choice to ride the bus for everyone. NMC instructors need to were going through this rough patch, and I knew It wouldn’t take long before NMC could map out an efficient I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my test if I route to pick up all interested students in time for their classes. revise cell phone policy didn’t take the call. But the instructor was really This, of course, means the buses would not just run in the morn­ rude and refused to let me make up the exam later. ings like in third grade. Instead, the buses would be running We all know how important it is to keep in touch These are not just isolated incidents. In fact, all day long, taking students to and from their classes. The bus with the people in our lives, but most NMC instruc­ most instructors at NMC won’t allow students to schedules, therefore, would be complete with all students’ class tors’ class policy about cell phones prevent students talk on their cell phones during class, even though times and personal addresses. from communicating when it matters most. most students at NMC have and use cell phones For example, if Tom lives on Eighth Street and has Monday For example, once when I was giving a speech in and talk on them all the time. Their policies are classes at 9:40 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. and doesn’t want to stay on cam­ public speaking, my phone rang, and it was my best out-of-date and out-of-touch with student needs. pus between classes, Tom could be picked up in the morning from friend Jennifer, who was going through this big break­ Cell phone users shouldn’t have to sneak calls while his house, dropped off in front of the Health and Science building up with her boyfriend, so of course I HAD to take sitting in the back row like some freak. at 9:30 (punctuality is important), picked up by the bus at 11:10, the call. What are best friends for? Well, the teacher As a student, I take my schoolwork very serious­ taken back to his house for a snack or a nap by 11:30, picked up got really mad and gave me a zero for the speech, even ly, so of course I only make calls during class when from his house again in the evening, dropped off at Scholar’s Hall at though I talked to Jen for only a few minutes. its absolutely necessary, like when I’m bored or the 5:50 p.m. and taken back to his house at 9:00 after his class. Another time during finals week MY boyfriend teacher is explaining an assignment. It’s time that Doing this for around 4,300 students may seem like a daunting called just as my Spanish instructor was begin­ instructors stopped treating us like children and al­ task, but hey - so is driving ourselves to our classes a few times a week. ning the oral portion of the exam. Well, he goes to lowed calls during class. Let freedom ring! School buses are a viable solution. After all, public elementary and school downstate and I hadn’t talked to him - ex­ REBECCA DANSBY secondary schools thrive on their big yellow buses to get their students cept for text messages - since that morning, and we First-year NMC student to and from school every weekday. And - admit it - it works. Look around. Most of us see school buses every day. Just imagine .»...... if some of those school buses were filled with people that have their own radio shows on WNMC, nursing majors, or maybe the NMC Magazine staff. Better yet, imagine if you were sitting in a seatbelt­ WRITE US A LETTER - less brown seat on a big yellow bus full of college students... OUR POLICY: White Pine Press accepts let­ BY MAIL: Students can consider the buses a privilege. How many college ters to the editor from members of the col­ Mail submissions to: BI students get chauffeured to school for free? The orangey tinge is lege and community. Letters should be less White Pine Press just an added excitement. than 400 words,' typewritten, and signed Letters to the Editor Think of the environment. Think of the cut expenses. Think of with your name, address and phone number. 1701 East Front St. yourself. And next time you can’t find a parking spot, think big. Letters may be edited for clarity, grammar, Traverse City, Ml 49686 spelling and length. Opinions expressed are Yellow. School bus. BY EMAIL: [email protected] not necessarily those of The White Pine BY FAX: (231)995-2110 ALLISON PETERS Press staff or any college employee. Pickle Editor-in-Chief April 14, 2008 WHITE PINE PICKLE OPINION 07 What's your personal slogan for romance?

"My therapist told me I need­ "Sometimes you just have to "Shut up." "I don't know who lam!" "Love like you've never loved wait, and sometimes you wait ed to avoid anything that in­ someone who had never a long time, like me." RYANN LORA, 17 volves the word romance and VANCE BOB, 65 loved before and will never Nutrition the opposite sex." Herbology love again." SHERWIN BRENSON, 38 Motel Management ADAM BAGGINS, 20 Undecided or Aviation

CAMPUS QUOTES Compiled by JULIE KNAUSS sauna bytes America, do you

"So at this point, I think it would be in the best in­ terest of the party if I stepped aside for the Obama campaign. Psych! That's never gonna happen." AMY POEHLER portraying Hillary Clinton on Saturday Night Live. need a hug?

"When asked about the [possible Olympic] boy­ cott, Canada's Prime Minister said, 'I'm very angry JOHN PARKER all you want to do is watch the latest YouTube at China; plus we suck at summer sports.'" CONAN Pickle Managing Editor video of a farting rabbit with a bag of Cheetos. (By O'BRIAN on Late Night with Conan O'Brian. I the way, how wicked is it that new episodes of The It’s been a rough new century for you America, I Office have finally started? Stupid writers strike.) "It's all sort of ironic: when you fly, you are inspect­ know - I’ve seen what you have had to go through. But seriously, what is the point of your doing ed quite thoroughly, whereas the plane itself is oc­ Everything has become a big steamy pile of dog anything? People are just going to scream at you casionally vacuumed." JON STEWART on the Daily Show poo, hasn’t it? There’s the economy, the war, the war commenting on airlines' failures to maintain their fleets. anyway because that is what haters do, and peo­ on terror, the war on immigrants, the war on drugs, ple are haters. I don’t remember anyone telling the war on America, the war on Christmas, the war "I'm in your book?! Did they talk about the size of my you that you had to save the world. Even though on gays, the war on hippies, the war on the planet. cojones?" STEPHEN COLBERT interviewing former Secretary that was pretty rad when you said that you were of State Madeleine Albright on the Colbert Report. No wonder you are feeling so tuckered out! going to save the world and then you sort of did No one can deny it: you did try to do the right but then along the way almost got blown up from "[Dick Cheney] has had four heart attacks and he thing. Who could have guessed that Iraq would Cuba (how scary was that?) and then sold biologi­ hasn't died! At this point, the Grim Reaper has become a quagmire of destruction and chaos? You cal weapons to Iraq (oops!) and then had that Presi­ thrown his hands up in the air: 'I'm not made of were just trying to make the world a safer place. dent who was married to Jackie O. but scored with heart attacks!"' PATTON OSWALD advocating Vice Presi­ And who could have predicted that the economy is dent Dick Cheney as more evil than Paris Hilton on Marilyn Monroe (yowza!) only to close out the about to go into a recession? Let’s not kid ourselves: Lewis Black's Root of all Evil. century with that one Prez who banged everything nobody has a savings account! Seriously, how much from Little Rock to Washington D.C.! more money do you have to spend before the econ­ "Dude, that was a dark day. I was like, 'Oh, But now life is tough for you, America. Who there's everyone I worked with."' RACHEL DRATCH omy is good again? would have thought that you would have to listen commenting on being left out of Vanity Fair's women And now everyone says you’re stupid. That’s a to Canada argue they are the better country? No­ in comedy cover story. tough break — who knew that in the time that it body saw that one coming. Who do they think they took 50 million Americans to watch a butt-sniff­ are? The little schizophrenic country that could? "You wonder why Eliot Spitzer and all these peo­ ing monkey fall out of a tree, 100 million Chinese Come on - are they mini-America, mini-England ple have [prostitutes], because people can't make would earn their PhDs in mathematics, business a living without being a [prostitute]." BILL MAHR on or mini-France? Get real, people: Canada better and science? Real Time with Bill Mahr. than America? Canada sucks! And people are saying that they’re your friends, Buck up, America! Here is one big hug from me but you know they aren’t. The big question is, what "A conversation that's been mired in laughter at to you! is the point of having this sweet nuclear arsenal if Jose Canseco and buttock injections is going to get And America: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. uncomfortable for many of us who have been laugh­ you can’t actually use it? It’s not your fault, America. Listen to me. It’s ing the loudest." SLATE.COM WRITER WILLIAM SALE- So now a mumbling old guy and a rambling not your fault. TAN on how "cognitive enhancers" like Ritalin are being black guy are asking: who’s your daddy? And there’s It’s not your fault. used on college campuses as a study aid. this scary cougar wanting to be your momma and Feeling a little misty-eyed? You would. April 14, 2008 08 COMICS WHITE PINE PICKLE

Jesus and Me by Jason Bowen

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY I DID FEEL KIND OF BLACK AND WHITE SUGGESTING THAT SOD BUILT J iEALITY WITH SOME CELESTIAI FOR A SECOND THERE. MAYBE YOUR DAD . FORGOT TO BUY NEW PRINTER? J PRINTER INK. OR A CANON.

,' ' I ''i • ') ' 'I ; V'!!1 ' i

ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK. PICK ALREADY. WALDO 2008 OR THE NEWEST ANNE RICE NOVEL.

OH, MAN. THEY SURE ARE LOWERING THE BAR FOR KIDS THESE DAYS. GIMME THE ANNE RICE.

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200,000,001 st person born in the U.S. reflects on a life of near misses

MERCURY DAVIS events to befall McPherson, who has lish part-time at a community college. Pickle Features Editor said he doesn’t believe in fate. McPherson’s experiences led him ■ McPherson, who grew up in the to start “Second to None,” Understudy, temp, backup goalie, para­ shadow of his older brother, Lance, a a self-help organization legal, assistant manager, junior varsity track three-sport star at Adlai Stevenson High devoted to “all the hon­ coach and adjunct English instructor. School, moved West and signed with orable mentions, all It may sound like the career path of the Denver Ducks, a semi-pro hockey the silver medalists, an also-ran, and but don’t tell that to team. There he served as back-up goalie all the overlooked, Roger McPherson, who hasn’t let being for three seasons, not once taking the washed up nobodies born a minute too late make him give ice. McPherson used the experience to who were never give up on life. become a JV track coach at a school in a chance.” “I’m not willing to settle for almost.’ Denver, where three of his teams were McPherson’s efforts I’m. not willing to settle for ‘could have state runners-up. on behalf of Second been,”’ said McPherson, who hopes that Along the way McPherson finished to None have at­ his difficult story might finally be told a masters degree in English and worked tracted a small but and serve as an inspiration to others. as a paralegal for a temp agency to pay devoted follow­ McPherson was born in Bethesda, the bills. He has almost been married ing and media at­ Maryland, almost 41 years ago on No­ three times, but each bride has left him tention - just last vember 20, 1967 at 11:04 a.m. - just a the altar. year McPherson minute after a baby boy named Bobby Deciding that he “wanted a stage of was set to appear Woo was born in Atlanta. his own,” McPherson resolved to be­ on Oprah. Woo, declared by Life Magazine and come an actor. However, the the U.S. Census Bureau to be the 200 After numerous stints as an un­ show’s producers millionth person, graduated from Har­ derstudy on off-Broadway plays and had to reschedule vard Law School and is now a partner modest success, McPherson thought McPhersons ap­ in a prestigious firm. Woo, who also he’d finally broken through by land­ pearance at the last has three young children with his lovely ing a part in the sequel to “Joe Versus minute due to a freak wife Angie, has said the “honor and no­ the Volcano,” but the studio pulled the snowstorm that delayed toriety of being the 200,000,000th per­ offer when Brad Pitt signed on for the his arrival in Chicago. son born inspired him to succeed.” role. Pitt’s performance won him the “It’s true that you ‘can’t win McPherson, who has never met Best Actor award at that year’s Oscars. them all.’ Believe me, I know Woo, said that he has “no ill will to­ “After that happened I sunk into a that better than anyone,” said wards Bobby.” very dark place,” said McPherson. “It McPherson. “But being num­ McPherson, who was the salutato- all came back to me all at once. All the ber two all my life has taught rian of his graduating class, was put near misses, all the disappointment. It me the value of trying harder.” on the waitlist for admission to Har­ was too much for one man to take.” vard Law, It was just one of many near Defeated, McPherson moved back in misses, snubs, failures and unfortunate widi his parents and started teaching Eng- April 14, 2008 1 0 FEATURES WHITE PINE PICKLE

Lyrical Astrology iMind by Nathan Kainste New technology that will make life just a second thought? In your dreams - literally

Aries (3/21 —4/19) I’ve only got so much. “Space Oddity” from database. However, downloading memories onto . one good shirt left, and it smells David Bowie’s album of the TECHNO DVDs and printing documents via the iMind re­ of stale perfume. Buy some new same name quires removal of the USB portion of the device. clothes. Seriously, its not cool BABBLE Looking for the nearest Italian restaurant? Think anymore. “Up to Me” from Bob Libra (9/23 - 10/22) I never about it. Want to know what your girlfriend really ■ TOMAUCH Dylans Biograph thought I’d be a rover. I never ■ Press Staff Columnist wants? Get it in your head. even looked around, but now The iMind technology may sound less like sci­ Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) Time has I see you’vefound another. So, Just when you thought you had every gadget in ence and more like science fiction, but students from told me,‘you’re a rare fine. Who will someone please find me. I’m the world, leave it to the world’s finest technologi­ the University of Eves in Pennsylvania disagree. cares what they say? I think happy for you. I really am. Con­ cal geniuses to devise a device so outlandish that it “The iMind works” said Richard Algawn, a grad­ you’re all right. They just don’t gratulations on your happiness. will make you wonder, how do they do it? uate engineering student. “It didn’t take me long know you like I do. “Time has “Bitters End” from Roxy Music’s The iMind - the eccentric brainchild of Apple’s before I mastered the controls. Now I can listen to Told Me” from Nick Drake’s A self-titled debut album best engineers - is a small neurotransmitter placed Howard Stern, communicate with my friends and Few Leaves Left under the skin of the back of one’s ear. Then a small even dictate notes with just my thoughts”. Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) satellite transmitter travels down the ear canal and But the technology has its drawbacks. Gemini (5/21 -6/21) When You ’re an idiot, babe. Sometimes lodges itself inside the outer membrane of your “This is not like breast implants,” said Bradley you’d taken every drop ofkindness I wonder how you can even cochlea (semicircular canals filled with a water­ Wallaceman, a plastic surgeon at Munson Hospital. that I had, didyou really have to breathe. Sorry I had to break it like fluid). The fluid and nerve cells act as accel­ “ [The iMind] is an invasive, cognitive device that milk that final drop? When some­ to you like this. You shouldn’t erometers for detecting sounds, smells and even can radically change thie way we communicate and one shows you some kindness, it’s have had to hear it from me. thoughts. The device then is able to tap into a part - to put it simply — exist as a modern species.” important to return the favor and “Idiot Wind” from Bob Dylan’s of the brain hooked up to external audio stimulus’. For an initial cost of only $60,000, the iMind make that person feel appreci­ Blood on the Tracks The microchip attached to the transmitter can then is revolutionizing the way people think. Some, in ated. Come on, I need love too. relay waves of sound into medulla oblongata. fact, wonder how they ever got along without it. “Milk of Human Kindness” from Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) The iMind combines the best features of the “I really couldn’t believe I had lived 25 years Procul Harum’s A Salty Dog Those were days of roses, poet­ iPod (up to 80 gigs of almost-live music and vid­ without my iMind,” said 26-year-old Eugene ry and proses. Martha, all I had eos), the iPhone (cell phone capability like tele­ Rogue of Dover, Deleware, who, after inheriting Cancer (6/22 - 7/22) Come was you, and all you had was pathic conversations with other iMind users and a a large sum of money at his grandmother’s death, dancing where the big bands used me too. There were no tomor­ GPS system that taps into where you think about purchased his iMind less than four months ago. “I to play. What are you doing this rows. We packed away our sor­ going), iMacs (email, Internet and Microsoft Office don’t have any children, but I figured if I had to weekend? I’m pretty much free. rows and saved them for a rainy access that makes researching and staying in touch chose, I’d pick my iMind over my kids.” “Come Dancing” from The day. I remember all the good just a thought away) and the iHome (built-in body- Just like TVs in the 50s and computers in the 80s, Kinks’ Come Dancing times. Those were some good dock alarm system and satellite radio). whether we want it or not, we’ve got a new wave of times we used to have, weren’t The iMind also records memories and dreams, technology coming our way. Leo (7/23 - 8/22) The lights they? “Martha” from Tom Waits’ which can be played back in the iMind’s enormous And hey, I don’t mind. are blinking. I’m thinking it’s Heart Attack and Vine all over when I go out drinking. On second thought, I’m going Capricorn (12/22 — 1/19) Shes’ a to stay in this weekend. Have devil in disguise, you can see it in KNIGHT SKY fun, though. “Insane in the her eyes. Shes’ telling dirty lies. Shes’ By KARL SAYGUN Universal Astronomy Instructor Membrane” from Cyprus Hill’s a devil in disguise. Don’t trust her. (for NOW THROUGH DECEMBER 21,2012) Black Sunday She might be hiding something from you. “Christine’s Tune” Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) This is from The Flying Burrito Broth­ Booted Planets one down to naked eye visibility! At least he’s ground control to Major Tom. ers’ The Gilded Palace ofSin left the planets and the Moon. But next thing Now that Pluto has been officially demoted to Hello up there. Time to come you know, he’ll be taking the meteor showers.” A ‘Dwarf status, the remaining eight planets can go down now. Quit spacing out Aquarius (1/20 -2/18) The petition has been drafted to prevent the remov­ on with their reign of the solar system. Jupiter was wrong words make you listen in al of further celestial objects. Dobek responded, recently quoted as saying “We really didn’t need this criminal world. Remember “Look, I’m tired of all the cloudy nights for my that little runt anyway.” In the Universal Court, it’s true. A loyalty is valuable, but Astronomy students. At least I’ve left the Globu­ NEW NMC SERVICE Mercury has filed for permanent membership as a our lives are valuable too. Just lar and Open Star Clusters.” major planet. The brief states that Mercury is con­ because your friends are doing cerned, since it has almost no atmosphere, that it it doesn’t mean you should too. m nsg 1ft may be next in line to be “kicked out.” Saving Daylight Forever Your life is your own to live. Due to the dwindling economy, the Ameri­ “Fantastic Voyage” from David can Banking Corporation has recently report­ Sign up for Riert messaomgl Bowie’s Lodger Summer's Lack of Skies ed a lower than normal savings of daylight. - HHChgraenoiinfo I hope you have enjoyed the winter and spring The Bush administration has therefore decid­ “ WCCaipus closures Pisces (2/19 — 3/20) Don’t constellations in the skies, because summer will ed to continue Daylight Saving(s) Time in­ Its easy: worry. Ifthere s’ hell below, we’re be void of stars. All the summer constellations definitely. The president recently stated: “My all gonna go. Remember, we’re all are on the ceiling of the State Theatre. Orion wuw.nK.edu/setfsefvice father talked about a thousand points of light. I in this together. “If There’s Hell told reporters, “That Jerry Dobek character took (lick on "Personallnfo" want to expand upon that and enlighten every­ Below (We’re All Gonna Go)” all the stars of the summer skies and placed them one. We will not keep the American public in from Curtis Mayfield’s debut in that theatre. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the dark on this Daylight Savings Time issue.” DELETE « solo album Curtis he just took the bright ones, but he stole every

*1 April 14, 2008 WHITE PINE PICKLE FEATURES 1 j

Submit your original poetry to whitepinepress® Washington to Baghdad: gmail.com for a chance to win the WPP's first-ever Poetry Contest beginning now through April 18. Up to two poems per poet. Possible prizes TBA. gay bash to come Winning poetry will be published in the April 28 issue of the WPP.

Poet’s note: My poetry is so full of such deep and meaningful things. Anyone who has ever read my poetry (and together I am sure all ofyou have) knows that it is well versed in the true ways oflife. I like to think ofmyselfas a com­ bination ofWhitman and Simic with a little bit of Eliot and Cummings thrown in there for good measure. My Late in the afternoon on Friday, April 11, a State Department in­ poetry is that good. I am sure that as you read my words, your eyes will weep. I say: weep, little eyes! For, since sider leaked an official White House memo outlining a 2006 strategy to I consider myself to be a modest man, I don’t publish my poetry for a living. Of course, if I did, I would with­ unite Su’uni and Shia out a doubt be one of the greatest publishedpoets of our time. But instead I humble myselfby teaching a once a factions in Baghdad week eight-hour-long class at the civic center on the art of writing poetry. Space is limited, naturally, so ifyou are through “gay bashing.” interested, do not hesitate. Now, below is what I sincerely consider to be two of my greatest poetic masterpieces. “The White House Voila. Enjoy. Cordially and earnestly yours, Winston Churchill Roger Wolf-Goldem XVIII C-@e.#r©+ took its cue from the gay pride parades in Je­ JOHN PARKER Friends with Butter Pickle Managing Everything rusalem,” said a former ■ U.S. Diplomat to Iraq Winston Churchill Roger Wolf-Goldem XVIII Drew Collins. “Mus­ lims, Jews and Christians all worked together to protest the event. Appar- Go-getter, achiever Friends are like butter endy the Bush administration felt the same thing would work in Baghdad. Butter is like friends And to be perfecdy honest, it worked. Nobody likes the gays.” Winston Churchill Roger Wolf-Goldem XVIII They both keep you together / In 2006 there were an estimated 100 roving militias comprised of both Through sleep and till I am on top of my game Su’uni and Shia members seeking out gays and lesbians throughout Bagh­ The end I am in the best shape of my life dad and its surrounding areas. I breathe gold for air “It’s perfect because homosexuality is illegal under Sharia law,” said I have great friends, but none Collins. “We gave them a common enemy to fight and it brought peo­ Are greater than butter, or margarine Can you breathe gold? ple together - it is still bringing people together.” If I feel a little fat I don’t think you can! The White House is refusing to comment on the story. White House I may well be the only human Press Secretary Dana Perino said they are actively seeking out the leak and Even when I am feeling a bit heavier To breathe a solid that the people involved will be punished. The State Department and I know I always have my friends and butter White House classified the memo as confidential. For they are what makes the earth rotate I am a go-getter What has concerned the U.N. Human Rights Council is the classifi­ A champion cation of gays as “enemy combatants,” as they are therefore subject to tor­ Friends ture. The policy advocates water-boarding because, “Torture should avoid Cherish each other’s butter using anything with probes, electricity or nudity since the subjects will enjoy it too much and it will have no effect on them.” As of the writing of this article, though a number of organizations in­ cluding the U.N. and E.U. have issued written statements condemning the memo, no action has been taken to remedy the situation. In a poll taken over the weekend of Americans’ response to the White House memo, 72 percent were in favor of the gay bashing policy, 22 percent were unsure if they supported it, and six percent were against it. “Finally!” said Richard Keenan, spokesman for the Christian Coalition. “A gay policy we can get behind! Considering how homosexuals have been undermining the progress of our country for 30 years now, I am not sur­ prised to find out they are the reason why Iraq is such a mess. I hope they find them all.” On the whole the response from the GLBT community has been outrage. “Of course we are outraged,” said Daniel Hutton, of GLAAD. “It’s just been tough getting the community together on this one. Hannah Mon­ tana tickets went on sale this past weekend and Home Depot was having a sale on hammers, so that’s kept the gays and lesbians busy. And we just can’t seem to get the bisexuals to make up their minds.” Response from Congress has been slow as well. “We all know that this is a horrible strategy,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “But that doesn’t mean we need to start doing any­ thing about it.” Senator Obama on the campaign trail said, “Hope! We need a different kind of hope for the people if Iraq. Not the hope of killing homosexuals, but the hope of living in peace. Hope.” Senator Obama was forced to quit his speech, however, after he began choking on die word “hope.” Senator Clinton, campaigning in Pennsylvania said, “Of course I do not support this strategy - unless you want me to support this strategy. I’ll kill a homosexual myself if it means I’ll win this state by 20 points! Come on, Pennsylvania — what do I have to do?” When asked about the controversial memo, the Republican nominee John McCain started to say, “My friends...,” but then the Arizona Senator prompdy dozed off. April 14, 2008 1 2 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT WHITE PINE PICKLE IVR brings together two icons

ABRAHAM MORRISON talent. Talk of a best picture win at next year’s Os­ Pickle Staff Columnist cars is already buzzing about. I “This film proves that ‘Rocky’ wasn’t a fluke,” Indiana Jones vs. Rambo is the first of three said Stallone. “I am the most talented man work­ films planned uniting what director Sidney Lumet ing in Hollywood today, and I feel privileged to be calls “the two greatest American film icons.” working with the second and third most talented The story revolves around the lives of Indiana people as well.” Jones and John Rambo, who meet at an upscale With the success of IVR almost certain, two retirement home in southern Florida. They swap more films are already in the planning stages. small talk while playing bridge and dominoes, but “For the second installment, we’re going to try neither is aware of the others notoriety until they for a more character-driven plot, rather than focus­ are invited to participate in a local anti-war protest. ing so much on the story,” said Lumet. “For ex­ Indiana Jones refuses, calling the display “not ample, were going to have Rambo’s muscles get only unpatriotic, but a waste of time.” Rambo dis­ progressively larger throughout the film. Subtle agrees, and signs up without saying a word. What things like that.” follows is a battle for the ages, not only between the The second film is tentatively being called IVR: two heroes, but also between their fans. H, which stands for Indiana Jones versus Rambo: Calling all Lumet’s incomparable skills as a director shine Hospice. as he mingles scripted film footage with impromp­ “In the third, and final film of the trilogy, tu scenes with residents of the retirement home IVR:O (Indiana Jones versus Rambo: Obituary), who didn’t realize they were in we will try to mix the styles of a movie. both,” said Lumet. munchkins! Harrison Ford has never been “And we’re going to have the more convincing, playing a man biggest pyrotechnic display in SARAH ZAT0L0KIN unable to accept the fact that he cinematic history,” added Ford. Pickle Staff Writer is getting older, while Sylvester With a stellar cast and a win­ I Stallone proves once again that ning premise, IVR could easily In an astonishing and baffling decision, the producers of Wicked steroids work, no matter how be the most successful and criti­ the Musical, in hopes of making the show even more unforgettable, old you are. cally acclaimed film in history. It have recently fired all of the actors and are currently on a worldwide Together, Ford, Stallone and should definitely not be missed. search for real witches, animals and munchkins. Lumet create a perfect storm of So come on - we’re not getting For those unfamiliar with the show, it is based on the book by any younger. Greggory McGuire, and is a twist on L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard ofOz. When asked what drove them to such an abrupt decision, execu­ tive producer Michael McCabe replied, “I simply believe it’s unfair to have all these ‘normies’ portraying witches and animals and such when we haven’t even given the real ones a chance. I hate it when English actors portray Americans like they’re the same thing, even though there are plenty of good American actors out there. And how cool would it be to have real animals teaching a class? Well, not really teaching - they couldn’t do that - but pretending to teach? That would be awesome!” Curious as to how real animals would be able to sing and dance, and if munchkins were even real - and as for where to find them, McCabe said, “Munchkinland,” - the inquiries continued. Howev­ er, the producers are convinced that Munchkinland is in fact a real place, as they pointed out a not-so-direct location somewhere in northern Europe before orice again spinning the globe. When asking Erin Mackey, who plays Glinda the Good Witch in the show, how she felt about all of this, she stuck her nose in the air and huffed, “Animals smell anyway! Good luck keeping the props with a > -J goat around.” For those of you having trouble making sense of this all, you are not alone. But on a quick note, if you are a munch- kin and find yourself to be reading this, there is quite the job opportunity available. Also, if you don’t mind informing me of just where Munchkinland is... April 14, 2008 WHITE PINE PRESS CAMPUS FEATURES 1 3

NMC sends suggestive texts: students stunned, confused, “turned on”

ALLISON PETERS Pickle Editor-in-Chief ■ Back in November of2007, NMC added optional text message noti­ fications regarding college closings and crimes on campus as an instanta­ neous way to keep opt-in students and staff safe in emergency situations. However, on Tuesday, April 1, several students registered for the text alerts stepped forward to NMC officials to explain that they had been victims of obscene text messaging. Chester Grove, a first-year student at NMC, received a message from [email protected] that read: “B safe.. .in ur pants!” “It was really weird,” said Grove. “I thought it had to be a joke since it was April Fool’s Day and all. But it wasn’t a joke. They were just look­ ing out for me, I guess. I’m proud to say I’ve been safe ever since.” But not all students viewed the incident in a positive light. Rhianna Rhenna, a second-year child development major, received nu­ merous shocking messages after she mistakenly responded to the first text. “I didn’t know what to do, so I figured I’d reply,” said Rhenna. “And then things got downright bizarre.” "Viking" Volkswagen Rhenna received inappropriate texts reading: “Ur books r huge” and “I wanna learn ur body” among several others. “When...whoever it was asked me if I would meet him in his car to study anatomy, I was like, no way -1 am so not studying with this found in West Bay creep,” said Rhenna, shivering. The texts did not stop until Rhenna physically brought up the matter with Campus Security. But some students remained lighthearted amidst the confusion. “Sure I didn’t know who was sending [the text messages],” said 21-year- JACK BURGESS “It’s details like these that convinced me the old aviation student Patrick Spitz, “but they were hot. They sent me a pic­ Pickle Science Editor car is legitimate,” said Johnson. “From the thirty ture once I texted them back four times, and I was totally turned on.” It is now commonly accepted as history that human skulls in the trunk to the herring air fresh­ As for the college, President Tim Nelson was apologetic. ■ ener on the rearview mirror, it all spells Viking.” the Vikings beat Christopher Columbus to the “I would like to apologize to anyone who received offensive text New World, hut did they also beat Ford to the Historians have long thought that Erik the Red’s messages from the college,” said Nelson. “We are already doing what automobile? parry only made it as far as modern-day Nova Scotia we can to make sure this regrettable incident doesn’t happen again. We That’s the question being asked by researchers before being turned back by Native Americans. The car, want text messaging to be a secure and viable option for students.” as a stunning find in West Grand Traverse Bay has should it turn out to be the real “vervandenmeulenheu- Nelson believes the texts were a “misunderstanding.” Regarding any sent the archaeological world into a state of panic, len,” as Johnson put it, would require the entire history repercussions, Nelson stated that it has all “yet to be touched upon.” casting much of what has been known about our of the New World to be rewritten. In the meantime, victimized students were asked to delete the im­ regions history and of the technological develop­ The location and nature of the find has some proper messages from their cell phones as soon as possible. ment of ancient peoples into doubt. in the archaeological world skeptical about its If you have found suggestive text messages on your cell phone from “This is for real,” said archaeologist Mark John­ authenticity. the college, please call.. .Campus Security? son, who teaches the underwater archaeology class “It’s pure geflautenschnicte,” said William Kna- at NMC. “A find like this is a once-in-a-lifetime vel, chair of anthropology at the University of dream most archaeologists never get to experience.” Chicago. “I don’t doubt the car’s age; I’m just not The artifact, discovered by students of the un­ convinced it was made by Vikings. Does anyone re­ derwater archaeology class on a dive three months ally believe Erik the Red would drive a yellow car? ago, is an automobile that researchers from the And what did it run on, whale oil? Something is University of Michigan, using preliminary tech­ definitely fishy in Copenhagen.” niques, say is at least 1000 years old. “There will always be cynics who say it is im­ “We are still waiting on final confirmation on possible that Erik the Red drove a Volkswagen the make of the vehicle,” said Johnson. “Someone 1500 miles from Nova Scotia when there weren’t - who knows how long ago - stole the hood orna­ any roads or gasoline or rest areas. To them I say, ment. But the lines, drive train and plush uphol­ come up to Traverse City and see firsthand this stery scream Norse engineering,” he added. relic of an ancient time. Sit behind the wheel and Johnson said that the registration found in the honk the horn - it still works! Then tell me it’s glove box indicates the car belonged to Erik the impossible,” countered Johnson. • Explore our 75 career-focused majors Red, a Danish Viking whose son, Leif Eriksson, has Despite the controversy, local historians are «Apply on the spot (fee waived) speculating that Henry Ford, one-time owner of long been considered to have been the first Europe­ • Meet our experienced faculty an to reach mainland North America. the island in West Bay known today as Power Is­ • Learn about scholarships and financial aid A map found inside the car is similar to maps land, discovered the artifact himself and used what he learned from it to speed his rise to the top of the used by Erik and Leif’s contemporaries, complete 734-432-5339 with instructions on what do to if the vehicle “falls automotive industry. off the edge of the world.” The front plate reads: For now, to protect the artifact until final verifi­ madonna.edu cation can be made, the exact location of the car is “Odin is my Co-Pilot.” 36600 Schoolcraft Road * Livonia, Ml 46150 being kept a secret. * April 14, 2008 1 4 CAMPUS FEATURES WHITE PINE PICKLE

WHAT REMAINS Although days have passed since the epic food fight, which broke out in West Hall's North- woods Cafe on April 9, no one has yet dared ST*$ THB to touch the edible evi­ dence. Jordan Morano, a second-year student at NMC, looked over the af­ termath. "I wasn't in the MEX'CAN i^ESTAuftAX'TS «1AT£TH! cafeteria when it hap­ GARFIELD 947-8820 pened," said Morano, N. US 31 SOUTH • • ■ ■ "but I've never seen any­ 946-4545 T-SHIRTS At thing like this." Among the remains were • •••••••••••••••••••A* mashed potatoes, cherry crumb pie and vegetar­ Want to run a classified or picture ad? ian lasagna. Classified ads are FREE FOR STUDENTS and $5 for community members. [email protected] or Food fight in West Hall cafeteria, baker's dozen wounded

STEFEN HOLTREY But then someone overturned beautiful.... There was no food Pickle Staff Writer the apple bin....” Anton was re­ out there.” Micajah suffered se­ vere bruising along his lower ab­ ■On Wednesday, April 9, West covered from underneath an un­ Hall’s Northwoods Cafe at NMC conscious first-year student, who domen and may have contracted went into shock as an anguished miraculously left the scene with salmonella. NMC SECURITY TIP LINE J 40-minute-long food fight broke only minor wounds. So how can we prevent this out injuring 13 students. Between sobs, one victim from happening again? “It was like someone set off of the incident exclaimed: “I’m “Stricter guidelines need to be an explosion or something,” never eating again!” Coincident- placed as to exacdy how much is 23 -995-III6 said one traumatized student. “I ly, friends closest to the victim too much when it comes to extra­ claim that she has been anorexic helpings,” said NMC President MOTE: CALLS TO 231 -995-1116 ARE COMPLETELY CONFI­ could barely see — my eyes were for years. Tim Nelson. “If we deplete the DENTIAL IFYOU CALL FROM OFF CAMPUS OR USE A so caked with ravioli.” Vows of starvation aside, it’s ammo, we can take one more step CELL PHONE.YOUR TIP WILL BE ANONYMOUS. By piecing together eyewit­ ness accounts, authorities have es­ hard to judge exactly how in­ toward making this college safer.” tense the first few minutes were. To that effect, President Nel­ Campus Services depends on your help to prevent timated that the food fight began son has enacted a “three item crime and spot problems or violations at Northwestern around 1:30 in the afternoon. The aftermath gives us a terrible Michigan College. You may see something or know something that Reports are sketchy; some image of overturned tables crust­ minimum” for the cafeteria. solves a major crime, saxes someone's life or mates your community a students are still unable, both ed with waffle batter, articles of Mandatory pat-downs will also better place for everyone. Campus Services can help, but we need a physically and psychologically, stained clothing laying discarded be in place at all exits of the caf­ place to start You can call our confidential tip line at 231-995-1116. to describe the events. Crime in heaps of vegetable refuse, and eteria to safeguard the campus on the far wall, a human shape from food items being smuggled No information is too small or unimportant for the scene investigators ascertained silhouetted in tapioca pudding. out for possible malicious intent. NMC Security Tip Line. Please describe the location of the. inci­ that the first few volleys of the A few brave students have “We need tighter control over dent and any details you can provide about the person and the circum­ food fight seemed to emanate stances. Campus Services will follow up on ALL tips you provide. We from several directions at once, come forward to tell their stories. items that lend themselves to will NOT contact you, unless you want us to. leading some school officials to “[Expletive] was flying ev­ projectile use,” said NMC cam­ speculate on the possibility that erywhere. I turned around for pus security director Sharlice Providing your name and phone number on the NMC Security Tip one minute, and then the next, Smith. Plans are already in action Line is optional, but very helpful. If we have questions, we may want to this was a coordinated effort. contact you later by phone, e-mail or by any method you choose. If Various student groups are now he wasn’t there - he just wasn’t to put certain food items onto you leave your name, please use your real name, phone number; and under investigation. there,” said Mac Stimson regard­ “the list” to be kept under close e-mail address. “This may go all the way to ing his friend Andrew Rosengerg. guard. These items will include Andrew was found a few days all produce, vegetables, cereals If a crime or other suspicious activity is in-progress, call the top,” says one investigator, later stuffed inside the milk dis­ and Italian-derived foods. 911 or (231)883-9099. If you are the victim of a crime, hinting at the possible involve­ penser, barely alive. Hungry students must now call 231-883-9099. ment of SGA. However it started, and whoev­ Another student describes his contact Campus Security before er is responsible, one thing is obvi­ attempts at escape. purchasing produce in the caf­ “I remember scrambling for eteria due to heightened safety. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP ous: it all spiraled out of control. “Initially it wasn’t that bad,” the backdoor,” said art history If anyone has any information AND FOR HELPING OTHERS! said second-year NMC student major Micajah Worben. “I saw regarding the whereabouts of the Simon Anton. “There was cake. the sun outside, and it was so cooks, please contact the police. April 14, 2008 WHITE PINE PICKLE CALENDAR 1 5

Nathan Kainste Free Film Se­ as we bid farewell to this cruel LOST AND FOUND ries Whenever you have the time, world we live in. come over and we’ll watch Justin Dorm Room Sega Genesis Drabeks copy of “Wild at Heart” Marathon Whenever you have on my laptop. Cheesy pork burg­ the time, join the WPP A&E TRAVERSB HEALTH ers will be served. For more in­ stafF for a Sega Genesis tourna­ | Clinic & Coalition formation call Nathan Kainste. ment featuring Nathan Kain- Childcare provided by room­ HIV COUNSELING & TESTING ste’s Genesis and a slew of games mate’s six-month-old puppies. including, but not limited to, Li«. . SAME. 3AT RESULTS “Race up the Face” Snowmo­ “Zombies Ate My Neighors” and ATTENTION!!! bile Drag Race Schuss Mountain “NHL ‘97.” BYOB. For more You need an HIV Test if: in Mancelona. Pre-event is on information call Justin Drabek. > You are a Man mho has Friday, and the race takes place sex with Men (MSM) Michigan Polar Bear Festi­ on Saturday. Weather permitting. > You are a Man cr Woman who val Cancelled Due to extenuat­ has used Injectable Drugs (IDD) Nathan Kainste Free Film Se­ ing circumstances, the Michigan > You are a sexual partner of an ries Whenever you have the Polar Bear Festival, held annual­ HIV positive person, MSM or IDU time, come over, bring a DVD ly during the last week of April, > You are a person who has FREEZING FILESA large, two-drawer filing cabinet exchanged sex tor money, and we’ll watch it on my lap­ will be cancelled indefinitely. drugs, food, or a place to sleep complete with a Samsung laptop was found open with top. Cheesey pork burgers will Contact Grawn State Park Rang­ > You have never had an HIV test papers scattered among what remains of the snow last be served. For more information er Station for more information. SCHEDULE YOUR HIV TEST TODAY call Nathan Kainste. Childcare Thursday. If these files, the cabinet or the laptop are David Bowie to Play Free II -935-0668 will not be provided. yours, please claim them in the lost and found in the Imaginary Three-Night Con­ 3147 Logan Valley Road Communications office. Please note: Different filing cab­ (across from Logan's Landing) Thrashtoberfest: Live Loud cert Series Free to the public. inets and laptops may already be in this office. TRAVERSE CITY, Ml Music Local hardcore heroes David Bowie will consecutively Bruiser University open for tour­ perform his three classic Brian ing Swedish death-metal band Eno produced albums. Friday’s Now more than ever Ravenscythe. There has been a performance will feature “Low” rumor of a special guest appear­ with special guest Iggy Pop. ance by neo-Nazi goth-rockers, Saturday will feature “Heroes,” My Tattoos Have Tattoos. Due and on Sunday “Lodger” will be to poor turnout of last year’s performed. Brian Eno will ap­ neo-fascist rally at the My Tat­ pear all three evenings. Concert it matters. toos Have Tatoos concert, ba­ will be performed in my wildest business, computers, criminal justice, gels and potato pancakes will be dreams and fantasies. You’re considering a career in... served this time around. accounting, public health, government, informatics, marketing, research, math, Free Popcorn Chicken and Con­ education administration or health care systems Day of Lavos Party Students get doms VOX and KFC team up together for the Day of Lavos for the first annual April-dippers Celebrationocalypse Arma-get- party at West Hall on the April Have you considered a career in it-on Party. Grab your popcorn 31. Show your support for safe sex and shake your booty goodbye and delicious fried chicken. Information Security & Intelligence?

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April 14, 2008 1 6 FRESH INTELLIGENCE WHITE PINE PICKLE A giant sip for mankind

ALLISON PETERS I® Pickle Editoi-in-Chifif

A lunar discovery we can savor set to be disriihuted worldwide. "I in jiisi fl ippy to be a pan ol incentive to rake more trips to the moon to iln . life-changing discovet y," raid horde MoonWatei Quick on the heels ol the res rut dis- "We wanted something really mu there, said Isdell. And, I’ve got to admit, asironam .oltmieei Jed St Higgler ''Drinking MoonWatei will lie like noth­ covt-ry of water on the moon, I ov.it .’ola ing you’ve ever evperietii cd before, assured has already established the process ol hoi I think we’ve got it in tIo hag. ’ Ihe bottling of MoonWant will Mote like m the-bottle Act old ledefme the taste of purity lot Isdell. "I ike sipping die teats ol a giraffe.' limp, its new. I most intllgllillg and lno.l mg to Beverage Bottling (lorpor...... ward all ovei the world no, all expensive (.11 I lie I III inn re I pm c ol $40 a l, \ over the universe. hottie) beverage to dan . MoonWatei (Blit MoonWatei will only he / Want your MoonWnter? distributed in glass hotties, which V Ihat is until .MarsWatei ' We Were winking oil a new product Z So how long dots the publi- have to me.tics no plastic. (. .ocat. atia is f \ will la. released in 201 2; dial would go iliiougll the tool, hill w. wan Seki iivr-grocery and lonveniciict looking io spend nearly hall a \ < ocat .ola has already ob­ had no idea Wed get io Ollier span . raid ■ ion s will he receiving packaging of trillion dollars a year on glass to tained the rights to bottle ( III at Iola < I < > Neville I dell, just lari MoonWatei beginning in January of 2009, bottle Moon Watt r. ami distribute the water week < 1,1 at ola W.c. al $61 a rlian . and .MoonWatei w ill he jvailablt throughout It s not every clay you’ve got \ i on Mars. now we’ve .1 iodo led into molt than die t ntire United States anti oiliei wealthy water m a glass honk, raid Blit jllrl niarr pitHIllstiijlI lllogul '-.etc die countries in tin summei ol .'<109. 1 lieesc iilali oil the ItlOoli einployee Hod t hnitfy. "I mean, es­ Making money off < ocat ula has yet to announce wheth­ pecially water limn the moon. t ota< ola announced theit pi n. lot the moon er or not they intend to flavor Moon Wan i Moon Warn on Wednesday. April 9 dm Nevertheless, Moon Water with various sis such as .spearmint, lemon- ing a press < ordeieijce wlteie Isdell raid, A little htshs of the universe profits .m., astonishingly, os banana and peanut butter. w'l pm mall OH ibe H'looli We pill a ll.lg. Many hare gist one . Jlo riioii Oil I licit peered to increase to over $20 Isdell is still considering the conskk , 1111 dir moon We tinea I link huge) oil miiiik Whai till. ■ H last, likt ' trillion in the lust year ol its aiion claiming 'My favorite Havor of any­ th. moon. In returns, tie moon ixkumgte, ' loon Wai. i ... . uidmg to one form worldwid- release alone. thing is Orange Julius, so il w< can mai •

bool. Ila Wile, ■ nan rcicHOsi ,-dio was allow, d a ampf. is Wild, is ail the moi,, r t ttaiige jiililt.v vs.,Id bum the moon, ill. 0 I ill y soil and a link liitgl; No luuljd going! Willi. 1 uki lias guess we can do just about anything. How they’re hottliny perfection J. si riprion ol da ware, bar bo n mack £ t laitiicd 90 percent of the Moon Ward pri.. s are. not . xpected to ar .iil.ible io ill. pill,la use oi dec it axe until gloltal warming taka ■■ '■ bo, • bn i In. Ii undergo. , . dim * plOje,lt d R'vt i.liiy tin y have trim, obvious ell.ci in which ease pri, es are oiagh iicaiui. in of filtration and cooling in I lie pun -a honied i io Aft agiccd to donate ID percent 1., made available on the market. predicted to rise. NASA’s nes .'.-lot in Water laboraioi> In. h /fa, III MuOti Kt- title MoonW.uei will be imported tfi- I ,ook out lot MoonWant, n .id) fm tak- Vrrir ConstiiKTcd ill /mil New oh .UcO just (•jo possibly owr t wo rrii 1.. . d Iron) die mm. a b. • ■ led | ittoaj ». oil tin; voiiici at a store possibly ne.it you. da r ilttl the liisl . IV. I of a I •„ J Oil til- . / lion dollars- to die space groups of /okuii' r ariiommis. -S moon, is di. In a i>o,. I .mil it,■ md la ■,< rag. f;i program .. ith the simple

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