WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT—Berliner & Kenny inspired by the Touchstone/Amblin film directed by Robert Zemeckis Original screenplay by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman, based on the work of Gary K. Wolf CONFIDENTIAL—All Rights Reserved

I DON’T WORK FOR TOONS Book/Lyrics by Robert Berliner, Music by Aaron Kenny

Hollywood, 1947. It’s late morning and down-on-his-luck private eye EDDIE VALIANT is sipping the last of his whiskey. He reads yesterday’s newspaper at the desk of his office-slash-apartment, which, like EDDIE, has seen better days.

The phone rings.

EDDIE Valiant and Valiant, this is Eddie.

PHONE VOICE Hello, Mr. Valiant? I’m calling from the office of R.K. Maroon.

(music begins) EDDIE R.K. Maroon? Of Maroon Cartoons?

PHONE VOICE That’s the one! Mr. Maroon would like a meeting with you, here at the studio, this afternoon. 1 pm. Can you make it?

EDDIE Now, hold on a minute—

(EDDIE pauses to try to restrain himself, but it’s no use. He’s set off.)

LISTEN UP, LADY, AND LISTEN UP GOOD— I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU HEARD, BUT YOU MISUNDERSTOOD. SO GO TELL ALL THE FELLAS AT R.K. MAROON’S THAT I DON’T WORK FOR TOONS.

WORKING FOR DRAWINGS WILL LEAD YOU TO DRINK. IF YOU’RE TALKIN’ TO DRAWINGS, YOU SHOULD TALK TO A SHRINK. WELL, I’M DONE BEIN’ ONE OF THOSE WACK-A-DOO LOONS! I DON’T WORK FOR TOONS. Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL

EDDIE (cont.) BUT A NORMAL CLIENT SURE WOULD BE NICE. HELL, IF JOE SCHMO CAME, HE COULD NAME HIS OWN PRICE. REALLY! ANY DUD WITH FLESH AND BLOOD WOULD SUFFICE. BUT, I’M SORRY TO TELL YOU, I’VE HAD IT WITH CELLULOID MICE.

LOOK OUT! AN ANVIL MIGHT CRUSH YOU, SO WATCH WHERE YOU WALK. IF A TOON THINKS IT’S CUTE, YOU WIND UP OUTLINED IN CHALK! SO I CHOOSE TO STEER CLEAR WHILE AMERICA SWOONS…

PHONE VOICE Mr. Valiant?

EDDIE HOLD THE CHEERING— MAYBE CHECK YOUR HEARING? ‘CAUSE BABY, (shouting) I DON’T WORK FOR TOONS!

(EDDIE crosses to pick up a photo of his brother Teddy, his fallen partner, killed by a toon.)

Oh, Teddy…

“VALIANT AND VALIANT,” ONE HELLUVA TEAM; THE FINEST, FUNNEST FLATFOOTS IN TOWN. THE WORLD WAS OUR PLAYGROUND— OR SO IT WOULD SEEM, BUT THE MERRY-GO-ROUND BROKE DOWN… IT ALL JUST BROKE DOWN.

YOU KNOW THAT TOONS ARE JUST SQUIGGLES WITH PAINT IN THEIR HEAD. TELL A TOON YOU NEED “DOUGH,” YOU MIGHT WIND UP WITH BREAD. I DON’T CARE IF A DISH RAN AWAY WITH YOUR SPOONS! I DON’T WORK FOR TOONS. Who Framed Roger Rabbit—Berliner & Kenny—CONFIDENTIAL

EDDIE (cont.) SURE, I’D BITE FOR BOGEY, BURR, OR BACALL, OR A DEADBEAT BUM WHO’S JUST COME FROM A BRAWL, ‘CUZ I’M SCRAPIN’ FOR CAPERS, ANY GIG, BIG OR SMALL, DOWN FROM PRESIDENT TRUMAN TO ANY DAMN HUMAN AT ALL!

(remembering the phone)

AS FOR THE CHIPMUNKS, THE DUCKS, AND RACCOONS— IF THEY TALK WITH A SQUAWK OR IN PRINTED BALLOONS, THEY CAN LOOK SOMEPLACE ELSE FOR THEIR KNUCKLEHEAD GOONS! I WON’T BE THAT JERK…

(directly into the receiver)

BECAUSE I DON’T WORK

PHONE VOICE …Oh, Mr. Valiant? There's $100 in it for you.

EDDIE [Oh, crap. 100 bucks?! Game over.] (resigned) I’ll be there.

(He hangs up.)