WHY SHOULD GRADUATES TEACH? an In-Depth Analysis Into What Teaching Could Do for You: Page 6 BUSINESS

“Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1498 FEELIX 21.10.11 The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949 WHY SHOULD GRADUATES TEACH? An in-depth analysis into what teaching could do for you: Page 6 BUSINESS

The question of Quantitative Easing Page 14

FILM

Cold War intrigue with Gary Oldman Page 35

TRAVEL LAST ORDERS Clubs and Societies speak out Escaping to India’s against new bar night proposals: Page 5 luscious south Page 40 2 Friday 21 OcTOBER 2011 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS What’s on PICK OF THE WEEK CLASSIFIEDS

Arts and Comment bring out the Decent sized room in a shared house available in Charity Week Hammersmith. big guns in an epic struggle Five minute walk from Barons Court tube station There are 52 weeks in the year, but only one is Charity and a 20 minute cycle to Imperial. Week. Imperial College ISoc invites you to participate Rent: £82 per week. in the biggest, most exciting and most insane week Email [email protected] if interested. at Imperial. Battle Of The Societies kicks off the week. Expect hilarious answers and some healthy inter-society competition. During the week, keep an eye out for Char- ity Week stalls, selling all sorts from milkshakes to cupcakes. Street, Campus and Tube collections are Lolcats of teh week an infamous part of Charity Week. Get dressed, get set… collect! Ending the jam-packed week is the Charity Week Dinner. This year the event will be held at the Royal College of Music! Get dressed for a beautiful evening. Are you up for a challenge? Then join in on a 54- mile bike marathon from London to Brighton and feel the burn! For the girls, we have the 4th annual Smoky Not Smudgy! This is our ladies-only pampering day. You are cordially invited to get even more beautiful for charity. To join in the fun and fi nd out more, check out the ‘Imperial College Charity Week 2011’ page on Face- book or follow us on Twitter on @ImperialCW or simply pick up a bucket from one of our stalls around campus Looking for an accurate representation of the Felix offi ce? Think again and go collecting-wild! The Charity Week buzz is just getting started, are you ready? Our Arts Editors, not content with bringing you a whole four pages last week, have upped the ante to an unholy degree and have produced a frankly massive fi ve. They’re pretty mad. In other news, a handful of individuals have sent in their opinions on a variety of issues. While this might not sound too thrilling, there are six whole pages of rants and refl ections awaiting your perusal. There’ll be something to suit your tastes, however outlandish. Big applause all round, you dedicated lunatics. Editor

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2011.

Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Deputy Editor Charles Betts News Editors Sophia David Alexandra Nowbar Reporters Katy Bettany Alexander Karapetian Navid Nabijou Deepka Rana Aemun Reza Features Editors Katherine Bettany Stephen Smith Sports Editors Indy Leclercq David Wilson Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joseph Letts Business Editors Beñat Gurrutxaga Lerma Nina Kearsey Technology Editors Chris Bowers Feroz Salam Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horti Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Mena Music Editors Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors Matt Allinson James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Chris Birkett Jonathan Kim Kadhim Shubber Puzzles Captain James Hook Photography Editor Miles Robertson Copy Editors Zainab Ali Carol Ann Cheah Nina Kearsey Philip Kent Ben Moffatt Jonathan Peek Annina Sartor Ian Wei Simon Worthington FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 3 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS CGCU President suspended from post Communications were in ‘potential violation’ of Staff/Student Protocol

Alexander Karapetian believed that Kwan had violated the Pro- ployment tribunal. Aemun Reza tocol, assuming Point 29, which states The protocol does indicate that com- the purpose of the investigation to be “to menting against the performance of a Jacky Kwan, President of the City & establish facts”. Point 34 from Section E Union department or division itself is Guilds College Union (CGCU) was sus- grants the Union President permission to permitted. However, Jacky expressed his pended from his position for two days suspend “any defendant offi cer in relation concerns about Union fi nance to a mem- last week following a complaint lodged to whom [he] is the relevant authority”. ber of staff directly. It is up to interpreta- by a member of staff regarding comments The Staff/Student Protocol is a docu- tion whether his frustrated tone could be made by Mr Kwan about the handling of ment which governs the relationship be- construed as directed to the individual. Union fi nances. Imperial College Union tween the Union, its offi cers and staff. It President Scott Heath launched an investi- is designed to protect the democratic struc- gation into the offending communications ture of the Union from staff interference “Kwan received on Wednesday 12 October, causing Kwan and, in this case, protect staff from public to be removed from his role temporarily criticism by offi cers. As a result, meetings messages of support pending the investigation. discussing staff matters are held in closed The communications in question were forums and student media cannot directly from his committee” claimed to violate the Staff/Student Pro- comment on the performance of a member tocol, for which an investigation can take of staff. Controversy arose due to ambigui- up to fourteen days. In this case, Kwan ties regarding the interpretation of the reg- The CGCU President received messag- returned to his duties after just two days ulations. Kwan had referred to the member es of support from his committee and fac- CGCU President Jacky Kwan was suspended from his post for two days after Heath closed the investigation with a of staff in question directly but in a private ulty students when his suspension became punishment as per the Union’s Disciplin- forum, specifi cally by email. known, many of whom believe the actions ary Policy. Commenting on the situation, The policy also prohibits direct interac- were unwarranted. Jacky is known to have their grant in August last year with the to “serve the engineering students as fully Heath mentioned that there was a “poten- tion between students and staff where it commented on the speed of the payment funds being transferred this week. The as possible”. “I would like to thank the tial violation” of the aforementioned pro- would involve criticism of work perfor- system, having previously taken a position CGCU President was particularly focused CGCU committee and offi cers under my tocol and that it was his “job to establish mance, as this may be considered a form as Vice President of Finance and Activi- towards the arrival of a shipment of year- management group for being so kind and the facts and work out a solution”, citing of harassment. A case of constructive dis- ties for the CGCU. In dispute was whether books required for Commemoration Day, supportive”, he added. “I am grateful for the reason for suspension as to “prevent missal could ensue if a member of staff the comments, maintained as constructive which occurred on Wednesday 19 Octo- their trust in me as leader of the CGCU”. contact between [Kwan] and the aggrieved feels the need to resign after they believe criticism, were inappropriate when direct- ber. Jacky personally ensured the arrival of Patrick Pang (CGCU Vice President of whilst [ I ] looked at the communications”. the Union or any of its offi cers has ha- ed towards a member of staff. the books, paying for them himself. Finance and Activities) stood in temporar- Regulation Seven of the Constitution, rassed them. If the media were to attack The frustration appears to stem from Kwan said “despite my suspension be- ily during Kwan’s brief suspension. Kwan Section D, Point 28, the policy in called a member of staff explicitly about their payments requested 6 weeks ago with ing lifted on Friday afternoon, I am pur- returned to his duties on Friday 14 October into play, relates to investigations on mis- performance, the Union could have to face alleged little indication for reasons for suing the matter with the Union Court”, and is free to continue executing his repre- conduct between staff and students. Heath the costly repercussions, namely an em- delay. The faculty obtained approval for pointing out his main motivation being sentative rights as CGCU President. ‘Largest ever’ Graduation Sponsored Editorial

Jonathan Peek More student cuts Sophia David received Imperial College Medals for their longstanding contributions to the Imperial’s largest ever Commemora- College. Mrs Susan Hartman, former Discount haircuts for Imperial tion Day took place on Wednesday as Assistant Secretary to the Faculty 2,200 undergraduates received their of Medicine, was honoured for long degrees in science, engineering and standing support of one of the medi- students at Fresh Hairdressers medicine. The ceremonies, watched cal schools that merged with Imperial, by around 6,000 friends and family Professor Bob Schroter for his contri- members at the Royal Albert Hall, butions to student activities, notably More student cuts for Imperial 0207 823 8968. Ask for a also marked the ﬁ rst time on stage for the Imperial College Boat Club, as students at South Kensington’s student discount and bring your the new Chair of the College’s Court well as his academic research, and FRESH Hairdressers. Imperial ID. and Council, Eliza Manningham- lastly, Dr Anna Thomas-Betts for her Men’s cuts £22 Cash only. Buller, who congratulated each new work in academic and student welfare Women’s shampoo and cut and graduate. over 45 years. shake dry £28 The former Director-General of the Rector’s medals were also awarded, Women’s shampoo, cut and Security Service, Baroness Manning- which acknowledge excellence in blow-dry £38 ham-Buller, said, “Commemoration teaching and pastoral care. This year’s All of our cuts are done by highly Day is a fantastic event, as it marks recipients are Dr Martyn Boutelle for experienced stylists. the achievements of so many people at excellence in pastoral care; Dr Lor- Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to Imperial. It will be a particular plea- raine Craig and Dr Emma Watson for 4.30 (sorry no discounts on sure for me to see the pride on the fac- supporting the student experience; Saturdays). es of the students’ family and friends, Professor Sandra Shefelbine and Mr We are only 70 metres from and to be involved in a day which the Zen Makuch for outstanding contribu- South Kensington tube station new graduates will remember for a tions to teaching excellence; and Dr To book an appointment, call long time.” Jane Saffell for outstanding innova- Graduates gather outside the Three members of former staff also tion in teaching. Royal Albert Hall 4 Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar NEWS [email protected] Hats off to the Class of 2011 Tommy Allieri Jonathan Peek

Jonathan Peek Tommy Allieri

Rector Keith O’Nions (second from right) arrives at the Royal Albert Hall in the only way he knows how

Tommy Allieri Jonathan Peek Jonathan Peek FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 5 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS Club chairs lukewarm over bar nights Boards give an underwhelming response to new rulings on how to run events

Matthew Colvin meeting on Monday, was unanimous in justifi cations for the new bar night system their disapproval of the new rules. One are vague. Michael Foster needs to back up Deputy President (Finance & Services) Michael Members of the Arts and Entertainments AEB member, wishing to remain anony- his decision with fi gures and facts because Board (AEB) voiced overwhelming dis- mous, told Felix that, ‘the whole tokens currently the students feel that he is using Foster’s response to Felix: content with the Union’s new rules on system is fundamentally fl awed. Unless them to claw back money lost through bad holding bar nights for clubs and societies. you have stewards with hawk-eyes watch- decisions made in previous years. I feel “It is very easy to see why the AEB would not like this new procedure – I Under new rules set out by Deputy Pres- ing everyone at every moment, there’s no that the Union’s bars should not be making can imagine no Management Group will. It represents the loss of a very ident (Finance & Services) (DPFS) Mi- way that you can stop people moving to- money on bar nights and the only way to good deal for clubs. However, this deal was both irresponsible and unsus- chael Foster, clubs are no longer allowed kens around amongst themselves. We’re prove that they do this is by being up front tainable, and, as DPFS, it is my responsibility to ensure the future stability to purchase kegs from the Union for their being told that we aren’t responsible and transparent about costings.” and sustainability of the Union’s activities. I would hope that Manage- bar nights. Instead clubs can either sell enough to decide how much is our limit – Posting on his online blog on October 6, ment Groups take their wider responsibilities into account, and instead drinks with a 10% discount, or sell drinks frankly it’s just insulting.” Foster stated the reasoning behind the in- of mourning the loss of a ridiculously good deal for clubs, appreciate that for full price with 10% of the bar spend go- The AEB follow in the footsteps of troduction of the new rules, explaining that we all need to act sustainably to keep this Union as it is for many years ing to the club. Clubs can also pre-order comments made by senior members of the the Union was “losing money every time a to come. a bar tab and distribute it as ‘tokens’, but Athletics Club Committee, whose mem- bar night was run, as the keg price did not in order to comply with the Union’s newly bers organised an online protest, and the account for various staffi ng costs, includ- “As an aside, despite all the reported unhappiness with the new bar nights introduced Responsible Retailing of Alco- Royal School of Mines. ing the (often quite signifi cant) cleaning procedure, the Royal School of Mines will soon be hosting their second hol Code of Practice, clubs cannot provide Chair of the AEB, Chandana Shankar, costs.” one this month, and the German Society were thrilled with their night. They more than 8 units (or an average of 4 pints) cited the system as “unworkable”, focus- The AEB has pledged to express the have, as a result, got more members than ever before, and were able to of alcohol for free per person. ing on the fi nancial background of the sit- board’s concerns at the next meeting of enjoy a great social event at the Union Bar for their whole society.” The AEB, discussing the situation in a uation: “Currently the legal and fi nancial Union Council on Monday 31 October.

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www.kpmg.co.uk/careers © 2011 KPMG LLP, a UK limited liability partnership, is subsidiary of KPMG Europe LLP and member firm the network © 2011 KPMG LLP, independent member firms affiliated with KPMG International Cooperative, a Swiss entity. All rights reserved. The KPMG name, logo independent member firms affiliated with KPMG International Cooperative, a Swiss entity. “cutting through complexity” are registered trademarks or of KPMG International. 6 Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX

Features Editors: Katy Bettany Stephen Smith FEATURE [email protected]

Matthew Colvin Katy Bettany, Matt Colvin, Navid Nabijou and WHY SHOULD Deepka Rana investigate Imperial’s preconceptions with a profession keen to take on some of the YOU GO INTO country’s top science graduates TEACHING?

The unused green chalk looks on enviously at his academically superior comrade

an you think of any reason cial change by addressing educational a good middle ground, since there is no better job satisfaction, security, lifestyle why an Imperial student “You’d be at the disadvantage – driving up standards obligation to stay in teaching after the or long holidays?” And, whilst the aver- might want to become and raising aspirations in schools fac- two year programme, thus keeping your age starting salary of a teacher is below a teacher?” “They got a bottom of society. ing challenging circumstances. They options wide open. As third year physi- Imperial’s graduate average, it is still third class, maybe?” This have their sights set on Imperial Col- cist Elwin Carlos points out, “Teach possible to progress rapidly in to posi- responseC from a second year mathema- Everyone would be lege to help combat the so-called First is creating a movement for change, tions of leadership within schools, with tician may well sum up the opinions “STEM challenge”. innovation and inspiration, not just in salary scales for head teachers in inner of some Imperial students, and indeed looking at you” Over the last nine years, Teach First the classroom, but in the boardroom, the London schools reaching upwards of a section of society’s wider opinion of has been strengthening their connec- government and across society”. £100,000. Additionally, Britain isn’t the the profession. We’ve all heard the age- tions with Imperial, and has taken on Salary is undeniably a leading reason only country struggling with a lack of old adage, “if you can’t do; teach”. And, Perhaps the most worrying fact is that 89 Imperial graduates into the Teach why graduates tend to stay away from STEM teachers – lots of British STEM with the starting salary for teaching beit is children from disadvantaged back- First Leadership Development Pro- teaching, and to students for whom graduates end up immigrating to Aus- ing signiﬁ cantly lower than the average grounds who are least likely to end up gramme (LDP). This year Teach First salary is the biggest consideration, ca- tralia or New Zealand to teach. But starting salary for Imperial graduates, in a STEM-related profession. And with aims to recruit around 1000 graduates reers in banking or consultancy might the most important thing, according to not to mention challenging classroom only 10% of teachers even prepared to and experienced professionals to the look more attractive. However, as Hunt Carlos, is that “teaching is a vocational conditions, it isn’t hard to imagine why consider teaching in a disadvantaged LDP, with just under half of all recruits points out, “are those jobs going to give thing, and if you love what you do then the UK faces its largest shortage of school, it isn’t hard to see why. Student coming from a STEM background. you a chance to change people’s lives, money shouldn’t really come into it”. Science, Technology, Engineering and experiences of their own schools only Teach First currently have three stu- Maths (STEM) teachers. “You’d be at accentuate the problem, with our sec- dent brand managers at Imperial: stu- the bottom of society. You’d be in your ond year recounting the many times he dents who promote awareness of Teach crappy Smart car and everyone would saw teachers “get torn to shreds by the First across campus, whether through Academia: over on the other side be looking at you”, the mathematician ... the mob.” promoting events, shout-outs in lec- continues. This week we challenge But all of this has a knock-on effect tures or working with staff. Of course, there is one group of Imperial students who will certainly end some of the misconceptions surround- as, according to the Department for Felix got in touch with these brand up teaching, though they might consider it a mere aside to their primary ing teaching, and ask why more Impe- Education (DfE), 2009 saw around half managers, and asked them about their vocation. Academics, whether they love it or hate it, spend large amounts rial graduates don’t generally consider of all schools enter no pupils at all for experiences. of their time teaching. Some might regard this as a drop in the ocean teaching as an acceptable career option. any separate sciences at GCSE level. Douglas Hunt, a fourth year chemist, when compared to the demands of research work, but such a view is Firstly, why is Britain’s lack of STEM Deprived areas are most affected by this was drawn into what he describes as misguided; aspirant lecturers should be careful not to underestimate the teachers such a problem? According to trend, because these are the schools that an “innovative graduate programme” primacy teaching will assume in their work. Teach First, a charity that directs high fail to attract good teachers of STEM after getting involved in teaching with Certainly there are big differences between the classroom and the lec- calibre graduates towards teaching dis- subjects, and are consequently more the Student Associates Scheme (a now- ture theatre. The material is more advanced, while students are (for the advantaged children, “46% of employ- likely to stop teaching those subjects terminated scheme in which students most part) easier to handle. Putting ideas across is a lot more straight- ers are concerned that they will not be altogether. This has a direct effect on spent fifteen days in schools as teaching forward when your audience is actually interested. able to fill posts in their organisations the type of students who end up study- assistants). He acknowledges that many In some respects, then, teaching at university level is a more detached that require graduate or higher level ing STEM subjects at university, with students might not think of teaching as a affair. Students are largely expected to be self-motivated and to take STEM qualifications”. In order to tack- Imperial in particular attracting fewer lifelong career, but Teach First provides responsibility for their own work. Because of this, the necessary skills le the STEM professional shortage, one and fewer students from lower socio- differ from school teaching, with a greater emphasis on command of the needs to understand just why there is economic backgrounds. subject, as opposed to engagement with pupils. such a low uptake of STEM graduates “Teach First is trying Many academics rate teaching very highly. One anonymous lecturer into teaching or STEM careers gener- told Felix: “teaching is one of the main perks of the job.” Another inter- ally. And with the UK’s international Teach First to create a move- estingly noted that “it is a commonly observed fact in the academic com- ranking in Science and Maths compul- munity that engaging in teaching while doing research ... often enhances sory education steadily declining in re- ment for change and that research.” So the two certainly are not mutually opposing interests. cent years, it has never been more im- Teach First is an independent charity portant to address the issue. focused on delivering far-reaching so- innovation” FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 7 FEATURE

“The great thing about Teach First is activities centre mainly around one- that over half of those who do it enjoy Other Schemes to-one tutoring with struggling stu- it so much that they continue teaching dents, committment typically being full-time, and if you are, indeed, con- an hour a week. The cerned about pay, the LDP is an amaz- Teach First is by no means the only So, all things considered, why ing opportunity for what is essentially pathway for Imperial graduates into should you go into teaching? Maybe paid work experience. The skills you teaching. YELP is an organisation you genuinely do want to help others. pick up and lessons you learn whilst aimed at reducing inequality in pri- Maybe you enjoy the thrill of con- ﬁ g u r e s By Veronika McQuadeova being on the Teach First scheme really mary and secondary education, with veying understanding. Maybe you do make you vastly more employable. the stated aim to remove the (cur- want to keep your knowledge fresh; Put simply, graduates who can engage, rently strong) correlation between nothing sharpens your skills more manage and inspire a class of young affluence and academic achievement. than an interrogative student. Number crunching isn’t just for the classroom people can handle pretty well any situa- Formed in 2007, the organisation Probably, you won’t be appreciated as these teaching related statistics reveal tion in any industry.” already has links to Oxford, LSE, as much or as often as you might like, Teach First will be holding a Milk- King’s and Queen Mary. but as long as you’re not too thin- round Presentation on Monday 24 Oc- This year, it has set up connections skinned, that shouldn’t be a problem. tober in the Reed Lecture Theatre in the with Imperial, with Teach First pro- So even if you didn’t get a third, it Sherfield Building. viding the preliminary training. Its might be worth a think.

(Left to right) Teach First Brand Managers Emma Gould, Elwin Carlos and Douglas Hunt 8 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Science Editors: Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian

SCIENCE [email protected] Sleep deprived doctors find potential cure Frogs’ habitats affected

A preliminary study published in Annals of Surgery Survival guidelines as frogs migrate due to climate change recently suggests that modafi nil, an analeptic drug, can help sleep-deprived doctors to improve their cognitive process, but not their clinical psychomotor Antonio Torrisi performance. Cognitive processes — mental tasks — are critical Climate change and global warming caused by for various aspects of the medical profession, such greenhouse gas emissions have important im- as making the right decision under time pressure. plications on re-shaping Earth’s landscape. An- Clinical psychomotor skills are involved with the sur- imal species can suffer dramatic consequences, gical skills and other procedural tasks. possibly even extinction, from these changes. The nature of the medical profession is inherently Scientists have been studying how climate unpredictable, demanding and infl exible; doctors of- change affects the habitat of frogs, and in what ten fi nd themselves deprived of sleep because of the ways changes to their habitat conditions could This frog is WELL DENCHHHHHHH... They should name it Judi extended working hours demanded of them. lead to the risk of extinction of some spe- The link between fatigue and impaired working per- cies and the consequent loss of biodiversity formance is well established. Therefore, doctors who amongst the amphibians. connecting northern California and Southern that species cannot live in the future in climatic have been working for long periods without sleep In the study, scientists from the University of Oregon to become climatically suitable only conditions which are different from those they pose a safety risk to both themselves and their pa- Evora in Portugal and the Brown University in transiently”, explain the scientists. In simple are used to live. For instance scientists suggest- tients because they are more likely to commit medi- Rhode Island, US, used a model that attempts words, if the species wants to move it should do ed that in the Pleistocene (from 2,588,000 to cal errors and make poor judgments than if they were to predict the geographical movements of 15 it very quickly, otherwise the region will be not 11,700 years ago) some amphibians could live well rested. different species of amphibians in the western accessible anymore and a gap will block future under climatic conditions that were very differ- Hence, this study was designed to fi nd out whether coast of US up to the year 2100, under two dif- movements. Scientists claimed that gaps in the ent from those in which they live nowadays. certain drugs can be used to resolve the problems of ferent greenhouse gas emission scenarios – one climate-path or range shifts of a species could Although adaptation of the species is a fur- fatigued and sleep-deprived doctors. moderate and one more extreme. The models, seriously endanger its survival in the long term ther important factor to be investigated, the pre- The study, carried out as a randomised controlled based on weather data of the same region be- up to 2100. sent study gives some guidelines which may be trial, looked at the effects of Modafi nil on the perfor- tween 1961 and 1990, analysed the geographi- But not all hope is lost for the frogs. The useful in order to conserve the biodiversity of mance of 39 healthy male doctors who have been cal distribution of the different species and scientists discovered two factors that can de- species. For example, we could promote move- deprived of sleep for one night. 20 of the doctors predicted for each of them the possible range termine the ability of the frogs to emigrate to ments along certain territories by assisting or were given Modafi nil while the other 19 were given of movements (technically defi ned as “shifts”) places with more suitable climatic conditions, increasing populations that naturally establish a placebo. that the species could undergo because of the in either greenhouse emission scenario: spread- themselves in the territories or mitigating the A series of tests were then carried out to assess modifi cations to climate conditions. ing the population in a certain territory (defi ned impacts of climate changes using irrigations to the cognitive processes of the doctors and their In their work, published this year in the inter- as dispersal), and the frog’s ability to persist in improve habitat quality. In the case when gaps clinical psychomotor skills. Interestingly, those that national journal Ecology Letters, Regan Early a certain geographic area for a short time, even are present in the climate-path, we could even were given the modafi nil drugs performed better in and Dov F. Sax observed that there can be dis- in non favourable climatic conditions (called consider whether to use or not the controversial the psychological tests than the placebo group. The continuities in the path of frogs’ movements. persistence). The better the species is at these strategy of “managed relocation” or assisted modafi nil group also behaved less-impulsively in the These discontinuities are called gaps and con- two things, the better their chances of survival migration of some species into more suitable decision-making tests; showed a better result in the sist of particularly hostile geographical regions will be. The most surprising discovery was that habitats. working memory and planning tests; and were more that block the migration from one place, whose particularly persistence ability up to one decade “Further refi nement and application of cli- responsive to changing demands. This indicates that climate becomes hostile for the survival of the would be the most favourable factor to expand mate-path analysis […] would improve our they had greater mental fl exibility. species, to another place where a more suitable the range shift of a species in a scenario where ability to forecast species’ responses to climate On the other hand, the placebo group was expect- climate exists. These regions could be physi- local climate fl uctuations and variability occur. change and inform our use of alternative con- ed to perform sub-optimally in the surgical motor skill cal barriers such as mountains. “For example, Other scientists have argued some limitations servation strategies”, comment the two scien- tasks under conditions of fatigue as a previous study [one frog species] may be unable to shift into of the study, in particular regarding the assump- tists in their work. In other words, if we can found that these tasks are susceptible to the ef- its full potential future range because climate tion that the species’ distribution is in equilib- understand where they would like to move, we fects of fatigue. It is worth noting, however, that the variability after 2050 causes the landscape rium with its environment, and the assumption could help them do it. modafi nil group performed the same as the placebo group in this task showing that modafi nil administra- tion did not improve psychomotor performance. It is thought that little demand is placed on higher-cognitive centres to carry out the surgical skills. Therefore an improved cognitive process has no advantage for doctors performing surgical tasks. Graphene based electronics The researchers stress that until further investigations are done that the use of pharmacological enhancement in the workplace cannot be recom- Maciej Matuszewski last year’s Nobel Prize in Physics for their work in any negative infl uences of the environment and mended. A larger sample size, long term study and developing a method to produce the material, have control graphene’s electronic properties in a way different characteristics of the sample have yet to be Graphene is a unique material that promises to announced that they are one step closer to fulfi ll- it was impossible before.” done to confi rm the fi ndings of the study. revolutionise electronics. Consisting of a two di- ing graphene’s full potential. Writing in Nature Professor Geim added that “Leaving the new The investigation only involves the effects of one mensional hexagonal lattice of carbon molecules Physics earlier this month the team has described physics we report aside, technologically important dose of modafi nil over a short period of time. In addi- (effectively a single layer of graphite) it is the how graphene had previously not exhibited An- is our demonstration that graphene encapsulated tion, the participants were only young doctors and no thinnest, strongest and most conductive material derson localization, an effect common to many within boron nitride offers the best and most ad- older participants were included. Therefore, before ever discovered. As such it could lead to the de- conductors in which they act as insulators at low vanced platform for future graphene electronics. It a sound conclusion about the benefi ts of modafi nil velopment of fl exible computer displays, lighter temperatures. However, by creating a structure of solves several nasty issues about graphene’s sta- to the sleep-deprived doctors can be drawn, further airplanes and faster Internet connections. The alternating layers of graphene and boron nitrate, bility and quality that were hanging for long time researches are needed. There are also challenging government has recently recognised the promise nicknamed the “graphene ‘Big Mac’ ”, the team as dark clouds over the future road for graphene ethical considerations that have to be taken into ac- of this material, with Chancellor George Osborne was able to cut down on external potentials affect- electronics. We did this on a small scale but the ex- count very carefully. promising £50m for graphene research. ing the graphene and observe the effect. perience shows that everything with graphene can Until then, perhaps, a good-quality sleep is the Now a team of scientists from the University of The lead author of the Nature article, Dr Leonid be scaled up.” He hopes that in the coming months best solution. Farhan Abdullah Manchester, including Professor Andre Geim and Ponomarenko, has said “creating the multilayer scientists will be able to use this research to create Professor Kostya Novoselov, who were awarded structure has allowed us to isolate graphene from new and improved models of graphene transistors. FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 9 SCIENCE Mini ‘little ice age’ Cloaking with carbon nanotubes periods explained Luke Sheldon

Douglas Heaven dient. During the 17th and 18th centuries, Eu- The researchers explored the mi- rope and North America experienced By recreating the naturally occurring rage effect by measuring the angular much severer winters than we do now effect of a mirage in the lab, research- deflection of a laser beam directed – people could frequently walk or even ers have hit upon a way to create parallel to the sheet’s surface. They skate across a frozen Thames. This pe- cloaking devices that work for visible found that deflection works for light riod is called the Little Ice Age, though light, effectively making objects in- in the UV to infrared range, a signifi- unlike true ice ages, it had its origins visible when viewed from certain an- cantly greater range than for previous in the waning strength of our sun and gles. Now, let’s just try to get through cloaking techniques. Carbon nanotube it was only experienced in isolated re- this without mentioning Harry Potter. sheets are particularly good at produc- gions with a minor global temperature A mirage – like you often see on the ing light deflection because of their change. Whereas the millennial changes surface of roads in the heat – occurs exceptionally high thermal interaction in the sun were responsible for this pe- because light moves slightly faster with surrounding media, caused in riod, a team of scientists from the Met through a medium when it’s hotter turn by the high internal surface area Office, Oxford and Imperial have attrib- and, therefore, less dense. The dif- and high thermal conductivity of the uted current cool winters to the smaller ference in temperature between the individual nanotubes. 11 year solar cycle. air near a hot road surface and the air Aliev and colleagues also compared Visible and infra-red light do not vary higher up makes light bend on its way the deflection of light across different much during solar cycles, meaning the to your eyes. When deflected in this media, finding, for example, that the direct temperature change is small. way, light travelling from something deflection angle in helium is much However the fluctuation of the UV light above the road – the sky, in a typical smaller than in air or argon, which is much greater. UV radiation is both desert mirage – can reach you from is consistent with the low refractive absorbed by ozone and helps to create the angle of the road surface, creating index and high thermal diffusivity it; this process is what warms the mid- an odd visual effect. of helium. Overall, however, larger dle of the atmosphere where the ozone Dr. Ali Aliev and colleagues at the angles of deflection are produced in is concentrated. The team of scientists Nanotech Institute at the University the higher density of a liquid than a The prize for identifying Diamond is a smug sense of satisfaction used recent measurements of the UV of Dallas, Texas, have recreated this gas, making the cloaking effect more radiation, which showed an even larger effect by using electrically heated pronounced in water than air, for in- UV change than previously expected, to sheets of carbon nanotubes. These stance. On the other hand, the higher val Research MURI grant and an Air rines. On the other hand, it might also drive a climate model. They found that wafer-thin sheets – around 20 mi- density of a liquid increases the heat Force Office of Scientific Research be possible to make these sheets into the recent decrease in solar UV caused crometers thick – prove to be very capacity of system and correspond- grant. But Aliev has also shown, in a loudspeakers, as Chinese research- cooling in Northern Europe and south- effective at heating a surrounding me- ingly reduces the obtainable rate for paper published last year in Nano Let- ers demonstrated two years ago by ern North America during winter, whilst dium, creating steep mirage-inducing temperature modulation and, thus, an- ters, that modulating the temperature making a speaker out of a flag (look northern North America and southern temperature gradients near their sur- gle of deflection. of the same carbon nanotube sheets for “carbon nanotube speaker” on Europe warmed in the model, which face. Due to the temperature inertia of The most obvious application of this produces sound waves. He has sug- YouTube). It appears we now have a agreed with real life. the nanotube sheets, the temperature kind of technology is in cloaking de- gested this aspect could have useful whole new potential for loud clothing. The model showed that these sur- gradient can also be easily modulated vices for submarines and other stealth applications in sonar technology for Aliev and colleagues published their face changes were linked to the direct resulting in different degrees of de- vehicles. Unsurprisingly, the work deep-sea exploration – and, of course, latest results last week in the journal cooling of the middle atmosphere by a flection for the light hitting the gra- was partly funded by an Office of Na- for finding those invisible subma- Nanotechnology. network of dynamical adjustments that weakened the Northern Hemisphere westerly winds at the bottom of the atmosphere. This causes the observed temperature changes, for example: by blowing less warm oceanic air from the On the oxidation of Earth’s atmosphere... Atlantic onto Northern Europe the climate to cool. This work demonstrates that the 11 Pavitar Devgon Most commonly, the starting point for the data showed that the trigger for this used to defi ne the redox at the time of year cycle in the sun’s strength can oxygen generation is sulphur from vol- isotope may have been the redox ratio the Great Oxidation Event was “poorly have noticeable effects on our winters Making up roughly 20% of the air we canoes. At the time, most submarine vol- between the two sulphur-based gases constrained”. Other also argue that it is and could have considerably contrib- breathe in, oxygen is one of the most canoes produced gas with low sulphur released by volcanoes – sulphur dioxide not redox conditions altering the SO2/ uted to the last two severe winters here. abundant elements on Earth. It is used content, but as the global sea level began (SO2) and hydrogen sulphide (H2S). H2S ratio, but gas pressure. However, one of the research’s authors, by all forms of life for respiration, which to drop, more of the Earth’s was exposed A higher ratio of SO2/H2S produces Further analysis into this phenomenon Adam Scaife, highlights how “This provides the energy organisms use to to the surface and the exposed volca- signifi cantly more of the MIF isotope. requires us to consider various gas equa- isn’t the sole driver of winter climate grow, repair and live. However, it has noes produced gas with a much higher As the composition of volcanic gases tions in competition, each struggling to over our region, but it is a significant not always been in such plentiful supply. sulphur content, particularly sulphur di- changed, there led to more oxidized gas- become dominant as the global tempera- factor and understanding it is important Initially, when the Earth fi nished form- oxide. The gases eventually dissolved in es and so lower Δ33S. ture and pressure changed. Rather than for seasonal to decadal forecasting”. It ing (I say fi nished, it is actually constant- seawater and broke down forming bub- Kump and Barley, two geoscientists bore you with too many more fi gures should also be noted, that like the Little ly changing and adapting) 3.5 billion bles of oxygen in the water, which we from Pennsylvania State University and and equations, it is easier to describe that Ice Age, the overall global temperature years ago, the surface was a blistered know can be used to sustain life – most the University of Western Australia in during the period 2-3 billion years ago, change during the cycle was small, as mass of volcanoes spewing magma and fi sh and marine wildlife uses the oxygen Crawley, respectively, have been analys- global sea levels did fall and a combina- the regional changes mentioned cancel gas out into the open. There occurred an dissolved in water in order to respire. ing data for some time in this fi eld – spe- tion of the changing degassing pressure each other out - meaning it has no effect event, named the Great Oxidation Event By analysing rock strata from around cifi cally using carbon dating techniques. and higher proportion of subaerial vol- on global climate change. which resulted in oxygen of the atmos- this era, paleochemists found that a cer- They argued that subaerial volcanic canoes led to a higher proportion of both phere and the beginning of air as we tain isotope of sulphur (Δ33S) indicated gases are more oxidized than submarine sulphur dioxide and hydrogen in the air, know it now. Most fi gures indicated this a lack of oxygen in the atmosphere. This ones and proposed an increasing impact as well as amounts of carbon dioxide. to have occurred c2.5 billion years ago isotope disappeared around the time of from subaerial volcanoes would have Competing processes of thermochemi- Want to write for and there has been much speculation as the Great Oxidation Event and the emer- resulted in increasingly oxidizing vol- cal reactions led eventually to domi- to what caused this event, which eventu- gence of the O2 molecule radically al- canic emissions. However, some ques- nance of water vapour and ultimately the Felix Science? ally lead to the development of life on tered the redox-based biochemical pro- tion their results, saying that the fl uids fall of sulphur altogether. And with more Email us! Earth. cesses beforehand. Further analysis of from the seafl oor that Kump and Barely oxygen, breeds life. 10 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Technology Editors: Chris Bowers Feroz Salam TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Tips and hacks The BlackBerry Crumble Mmm... Ice Cream Sandwich Chris Bowers

As I’m sure many of you know, Research In Motion last week suffered its biggest ever service disruption, with millions of customers across the globe affected. Users lost access to push email, BlackBerry Messenger, Facebook and Twitter applications, and even in some cases their internet access. For a company that unreasonable to assume that this failover the active one, and started again. built its reputation on many of those features, switch and this network of servers in Slough Perhaps the problem could be pinpointed and indeed, the stability and reliability of are of utmost importance given the number of to the backlog. Considering that these serv- those services, I’m sure it’s a week the execu- BlackBerry users that were affected in the first ers apparently serve Europe, the Middle East tives would rather forget. instance. Hence, it would make sense to have and Africa, even a few minutes of downtime While over here there were probably many not just one set of backup servers, but two or would cause a massive backlog, which may Earlier this week, Android and Samsung held a people rejoicing that the “riot-inducing” mes- more. Indeed, it has been said in the past that have been too much for the secondary servers joint event to announce some news we’ve been saging service was down, the consumers were maintaining scalability of their infrastructure to cope with. Maybe that server then crashed, waiting on for a while. Why the joint event? Sam- left wondering why. Even now, BlackBerry has not been Research In Motion’s top prior- and all traffic was rerouted to another datacen- sung’s Galaxy Nexus will be the ﬁ rst phone to have not exactly been forthcoming on the ity. This would be fine if their customer base tre. Which then crashed. And so on. But again, ship with Android 4.0 – Ice Cream Sandwich. The details, saying only that their failover, well, was sticking around a fairly stable figure, but this seems unlikely, considering the time de- Galaxy Nexus is a behemoth of a device, with a failed. That is, for some reason their main that’s not the case. While their share prices lays between each affected region. Whatever 4.65” HD display. But other than that, it’s pretty server network was down and their backup may have been dropping recently, their market the cause, it’s clear the company needs to much what you’d expect from a top end smart- infrastructure didn’t manage to take over share in UK mobile handsets has been on the re-evaluate its infrastructure. If this were to phone. The main selling point, as seems to be properly. Along with that, all we do know is rise, and last year they had a massive increase happen globally on the BlackBerry Enterprise increasingly the case with ﬂ agship phones, is that the problem occurred at their datacentre in year-on-year sales. The fact that they’ve Servers, I think the company would struggle the new operating system at its heart. Ice Cream in Slough. just released a new fleet of devices is unlikely to recover. Sandwich brings with it a slew of new features, There is speculation abound on the internet, to reverse that either. However, I don’t want this to seem like including a lot of UI overhaul. Much of it we’ve as always, as to why this happened in the first But let’s say that this was unavoidable, that an attack on BlackBerry. I love the devices, seen elsewhere, but some things do stand out. place. Some say the cause was an update to no matter what, the datacentre was always and actually wasn’t that angry during the Android Beam for example, which uses NFC to al- the original server (in which case a manual going to fail. Then we still have the issue of outage. But many were, and just because I low you to tap your phone with another to share switchover should have taken place), some why the problems spread across the world and wasn’t enraged doesn’t mean I don’t believe it anything from contacts to directions. Together, say it was a bug in one server. Whatever the lasted for a few days. At the time of the fail- should’ve have happened. At least, on a posi- I’m sure this combination will do nothing to hurt cause, Research In Motion claim the failover ure, emails weren’t being pushed to devices, tive note, they were slightly better at keeping Android’s popularity. switch had been tested, but it seems not rig- BlackBerry Messenger wasn’t working, etc. customers informed than they were at working orously enough. Regardless, the issue here is So it seems, with nothing to lose, they may as on the problem. Also, they are offering reim- clearly that of not enough redundancy. well have ‘disconnected’ the centre, whatever bursements in the guise of free apps to every- While this is speculation, it doesn’t seem that involved, wired up the backup server as one, which is better than nothing. Bitcoin suffers devaluation

Bitcoin, the decentralized ‘cryptocurrency’ fa- voured by anarchists and drug dealers for its pri- vacy, has suffered a minor crash in value that has taken it from a value of $30 per coin to parity with Dennis Ritchie - An Unsung Hero the USD. Some commentators expect the value to slide further, reflecting a return to reality after a heady year of press attention. Each coin repre- Douglas Heaven ant - and of course any Linux machine. come a classic. sents an extremely large number and is calculated Then there’s C, the language in which UNIX Due to its official status as a telecoms mo- in a computationally intensive process that limits The world has lost two giants of technology in – and a vast amount of other software from the nopoly, AT&T was at first unable to enter the the chance of the market being flooded; with the as many weeks. The news that Dennis Ritchie core of Windows to MATLAB – is written. computer industry and thus unable to market power required to produce more coins increasing died on 12 October, aged 70, after enduring And when software isn’t written in C there’s this new operating system it suddenly had its regularly and their value at current levels, it is be- cancer and heart disease for several years, elic- a very good chance it’s written in a language hands on. So Ritchie and Thompson simply coming uneconomic to make more. All of this isn’t ited a quieter response than that for Steve Jobs. descended from, or heavily influenced by, gave their creations away to friends and col- a death knell for the currency, yet the massive Ritchie was the creator of the C programming Ritchie’s creation, whether C++, Java, or C#. leagues in universities, who used them to teach rate fluctuation is probably going to cause new language and one of the co-inventors of the UNIX was developed by Ritchie and Ken a generation of programmers, engineers, and investors to steer clear of the coins. Indeed, it is UNIX operating system, which means we’re Thompson at AT&T’s Bell Labs in the 60s af- computer scientists. hard to see major investors going after Bitcoins living in a world Ritchie helped to invent. ter the project they had been working on – an Even more crucially, Ritchie’s initial free as a serious investment - with no clear ‘issuing “When Steve Jobs died last week, there ambitious multi-user operating system known dissemination of UNIX and C led to the free bank’ or fiscal policy and less purchasing power was a huge outcry, and that was very moving as Multics – was dropped by the company for software movement. When AT&T eventually than the US dollar, traditional investors are likely and justified”, said Rob Pike, a colleague of being too complex. Young, idealistic, and stub- wriggled itself into a position where it could to see Bitcoins as a no-go zone for now. Where Ritchie’s, speaking to Wired. “But Dennis had born, Ritchie and Thompson decided to build make money from UNIX, MIT researcher the Bitcoin goes from here isn’t very clear, with a bigger effect, and the public doesn’t even a simpler, streamlined version of the operating Richard Stallman started making a free version some seeing this crash as a mere phase in the know who he is.” system by themselves: Unics – or UNIX – a of UNIX under the GNU (Gnu’s Not UNIX) longer process of establishing the legitimacy of Pretty much all of the daily interactions pun on Multics, was soon born. umbrella. GNU – along with its Linux kernel the currency. One thing remains certain, unless we have with technology owe something to C was designed by Ritchie initially as a and myriad satellite utilities – is at the core of the Bitcoin world builds more of a connection to Ritchie’s creations 40 years ago. The internet means to an end in developing his new operat- everything open source. the physical world of goods and services, it’s unis built on UNIX, from the server farms being system, but its versatility and ability to be It’s so easy to forget about the countless, unlikely to become more than a niche currency for hind Google and Amazon to the router through compiled to different computer architectures sleeping machines behind the slickness of to- the mildly paranoid or the tad criminal. which you’re locally connected. Your TV quickly made it an enormously useful tool. The day’s interactions with technology, but Ritchie probably runs an operating system based on C Programming Language, the book Ritchie lives on in the hearts of most of them. Now’s UNIX. As does your Mac, your iPhone, your wrote with Brian Kernighan, setting out the a good time to spare a thought both for them iPad - OS X and iOS are built on a UNIX vari- standard definition of the C language, has be- and him. FELIX Friday 08 October 2010 2 HIGHLIGHTS

Wednesday 26 October 11am - 4pm • Queen’s Lawn • Imperial College London • South Kensington FIND YOUR FUTURE

ACCA Commerzbank AG international Financial Data Services Rolls-Royce Accenture Conversocial Johnston Matthey PLC Royal Air Force AkzoNobel Credit Suisse Knight Capital Group Inc Royal Bank of Scotland Atass Sports CSC L.E.K. Consulting RWE npower Atos CTC London Limited Lloyds Banking Group Shell Aviva Deloitte London Business School SNC-Lavalin Bank of America Merrill Lynch Detica Macquarie Group Societe Generale Beyond Professional Training School Deutshe Bank Management Solutions Spreadex Blackrock EDF Energy Marakon Standard Bank PLC Bloomberg Ernst & Young McKinsey & Company Standard Chartered The Boston Consulting Group Essar Energy UK LTD Mercer Standard Life Bristows FDM Group Metaswitch Networks TARGETJobs Cambridge Network LTD FTI Consulting Milkround TDA CareerPlayer GE Mitsubishi UFJ Sec International PLC TIM Group Careers Advisory Service Graduate Recruitment Bureau Mountbatten Institute Total CHP Consulting HSBC Oliver Wyman Towers Watson Chartered Institute of Management IBM Operis UBS Accountants ICAEW PA Consulting Union Helpdesk CITI IMC Financial Markets PathMotion Wolverine Trading City Year IMS Consulting Group Procter & Gamble WYGU The College of Law Inside Careers PricewaterhouseCoopers

imperialcollegeunion.org/careersfair 12 FRIDAY 21 october 2011 FELIX Politics Editors: Rajat Jain Joseph Letts POLITICS [email protected] The economics of occupation Rory Fenton and Kadhim Shubber on the latest protest in London

Kadhim Shubber s we picked our way Bankers on benefi ts through the tents outside St Paul’s Cathedral this Monday one thing was But perhaps the strongest externality clear: anarchists are not was the implicit guarantee that the gov- anA easy bunch to organise. Not a surprise, ernment would always save the biggest perhaps, but add to this a passionate be- banks to protect the rest of the economy. lief in not telling others what to do, and This safety net enabled banks to take suddenly you fi nd yourself voting about much greater risk at much lower interest whether to vote… rates - a subsidy of billions of dollars, We visited the makeshift campsite for a greatly distorting the market. When the couple of hours, waiting for the General bailouts were received, very little was Assembly at 7pm. The meeting didn’t loaned on to small and medium sized get under way for another half hour business, the risks of speculation were while some organisers politely asked the still too tempting. crowds to take a seat by the cathedral’s imposing steps. The whole effort was like herding cats but where the cats are What’s to be done? dead. Throughout the meeting, organisers repeated and repeated how everything was “just a suggestion”. But while this Unlike some of London’s protesters, disorganisation was all rather cute and Stiglitz is no communist and recog- harmless, it slightly undermines the mes- nises the importance of markets - the sage that people in this country ought to key is regulation. As the world sits on hear – our economy needs change. the brink of what may well be a double These protests are for a reason – the dip recession, here are his suggestions world’s economy is still in a mess. Banks for policy changes to make a difference: and global fi nancial institutions are pow- 1. Separate commercial banks from erless to solve this crisis. Governments investment banks - banks shouldn’t be are even more impotent. How much of taking huge risks with ordinary house- this can really be a surprise? We have holds’ money. more or less the same economic system 2. Require banks to keep some of today as that which brought the economy the mortgages they sell on their books to its knees just three years ago; we built to ensure they have a vested interest on an engine that we didn’t know how to fi x providing loans to those how can afford and no-one has come up with anything them. different. 3. Give share holders greater say In 2008 policy makers could at least over executive pay and stop payments plead naivety; who could have seen the Julian Assange addressing eager protestors at St Paul’s Cathedral. Where’s Julian? in stock options - they encourage short- sudden collapse of the world’s largest term thinking. banks? And who could have known the 4. Require bailout funds to go to full effect of this on our interconnected to account - sometimes positive, some- “Banks and global ful fi nancial innovation in recent decades small and medium sized business. Much companies and countries? times negative. If I own a bee farm and has been the cash machine”. of it is their money, after all. Well actually Joseph Stiglitz, that’s an orchard sets up next door, the orchard fi nancial institutions This is Stiglitz’s manifesto for who. This professor of economics and benefi ts signifi cantly from my bees’ pol- change. As protesters endure the biting Nobel laureate was our Cassandra. He lination without affecting me. But should are powerless to Performance related pay winds outside St Paul’s, they could do was preaching long before the housing the orchard owners not pay for this privi- worse than adopt it too. Free markets bubble and credit default swaps of the lege? This is an externality - the market solve this crisis” and other oxymorons have failed but markets can still work inherent dangers posed by lax legisla- provides no way of paying me. A nega- within sensible rules. But this isn’t the tion and misaligned incentives. His 2010 tive externality would be global warm- whole story. The protestors are also book Freefall, recently updated, is his ing - harm is caused by business but not gether with assumption that the more Performance related pay was aban- campaigning against the erosion of our victory lap. But more than “I told you in a way penalised by the markets. loans one had, the more the risk was doned by most professions when it democracy, in which government rules so”, Stiglitz offers a way out of the mire. Stiglitz argues that banks, with their spread out. This was fi ne, provided de- became clear that it rewarded quantity, in the corporate interest rather than the Politicians would do well to head his ad- light touch regulations, posed huge neg- faults weren’t correlated. But when house not quality and encouraged short term public interest (the trickle-down myth vice. For all their vague talk about “jus- ative externalities on the economy as a prices started to fall across the country, results. These are precisely the prob- used to pretend that the two are one and tice”, the St Paul’s protestors could too. whole in a number of ways: the misun- defaults became very correlated indeed. lems plaguing modern banking. Bo- the same), and they are also protesting derstanding of risk, performance related Because many of these loans had been nuses are paid for gains but pay is not the enormous inequality in our society. pay and implicit government subsidy. packaged together in highly complex docked for losses, promoting excessive 2008 should have been our wakeup Market Failure ways, banks suddenly realised that they risk taking as bankers just couldn’t call. Instead policy-makers decided that couldn’t really tell which loans were safe lose. Mortgage vendors were rewarded it was just part of the normal capitalistic Risky business and which weren’t. They also couldn’t according to the number of mortgages boom and bust. It’s clear that there has Stiglitz lays the blame for the crisis trust the safety of other banks and so issued, not their quality, leading to the been a much deeper shift. We need to squarely at the feet of free markets and stopped lending to each other, resulting phenomenon of “liar loans” for which re-evaluate how we run our society, and their ideologue proponents. Key to the Before making a loan, banks need to un- in the credit crunch. Stiglitz’s verdict is borrowers required no proof of income. to whose advantage the current system collapse of the fi nancial system was the derstand the risk associated with the bor- clear - commercial banks shouldn’t be al- Even after the Crunch, the fl ow of bo- is geared. Failure to change in 2008 problem of externalities, he argues. Ex- rower defaulting and adjust the interest lowed to create products they don’t fully nuses continued, making a mockery of brought around the current diffi culties. ternalities are by-products of business rate accordingly. But to further decrease understand. As US Treasury Secretary the claim that they were performance The world cannot afford to make the for which there is no market mechanism risk, banks started to package loans to- Henry Paulson quipped, “the only use- based. same mistake twice. FELIX FRIDAY 21 October 2011 13 POLITICS Gazing into the soul of the 99%

Luke Seldon consultation with the people involved occupation. Italy and Spain have empha- Street – we are the 99% - highlights how mocracy, one where everyone partici- in the movements in Britain, Egypt, Tu- sised political corruption and America in the UK 1% of the population have ac- pates and decisions made at least have Saturday saw a global day of occupation nisia, Germany, Spain, the USA, Israel and the UK tend to have centred on in- crued a third of the wealth. a chance of representing the majority of and protest in 951 cities across 82 coun- & The Palestinian Territories, Brazil, equality. The most common of threads Placards and conversations echoed this people. The whole protest in St Paul’s tries, making this day one of the most Mexico, Uruguay, Argentina, India and though is that we are born equal, and sentiment. A placard stated ‘I have no works as horizontally as possible. Ev- widespread days of resistance ever seen. Australia. It highlighted how, whether job but now I have an occupation’ which eryone has a say in small groups with Apart from Rome, they were also entire- it be Mubarak, the IMF, multinational agreed with the feelings of a surprising a spokesperson sent to give feedback to ly peaceful. This was no random event banks or the G8/20, we are all dictated “Everyone has a say number of young unemployed graduates the whole occupation in what is called a but part of a global tide of uprising that by a few people to whom we never gave I spoke to who feel they were sold a lie general assembly. The common feeling began in the Arab spring and has swept permission. In the words of the Indian in small groups” about education. After all that time and is that this protest is there to stay; people across Europe and America. Although eco-feminist Vandana Shiva, we demand money they are left as part of the ever are planning to camp or make return vis- you may question the link between the replacing the G8 with the whole of hu- rising youth unemployment. One par- its. The persistence and growth of this protests in the Middle East and appar- manity – the G7 billion. The manifesto should be treated so. ticular protester, educated to masters’ movement across the world is giving ent Western democracies two common states that more than ever before our In the largest UK demonstration – Oc- level, questioned our state’s derision constant strength and support. Normally features have ran through them all: high lives - including jobs, education, health cupy London Stock Exchange (still on- of the poor and acceptance of the rich. protests are dismissed in the few hours unemployment combined with increas- and environment – are shaped by cor- going at time of writing) – has occupied “Currently I am living on £53 a week afterwards, the people ignored. How- ing diffi culty to live on low wages and porations, banks, markets and fi nancial the space outside St. Paul’s Cathedral job seeker’s allowance to pay food, bills ever, by staging a permanent protest a feeling that the general public have no crises. with up to 5000 people, after a high court and other costs in London. This is barely this becomes increasingly diffi cult and control over their governance. Although the manifesto attempts to injunction was imposed on the original enough to even survive but yet the law there’s a chance our voices may fi nally These two themes were the main con- accurately portray the global movement target of the neighbouring and privately says this is how much you need to live break through. stituents of a manifesto published ahead each country and region has taken partic- owned Paternoster Square. And not sur- on. However they have decided no max- As one middle aged occupier described of the actions on Saturday that aimed to ular emphasis on parts that are important prisingly inequality is a strong theme as imum to live on, people receive million how the current way our society func- voice the reasons behind these protests. to them. The Middle East is obviously inequality in the UK is only second to pound bonuses, where is the equality?” tions “constantly degrades” him, others In a style true to the movement the mani- focussed on dictatorships whilst Japan the US out of Western states. A banner This feeling of injustice is now evolv- mimicked the Zapatista’s of Mexico in festo was produced over four months in had a Fukushima element to the Tokyo displaying the slogan of Occupy Wall ing into an attempt to create a new de- declaring “Ya basta! (Enough!)” The cunning of Dr Fox Reporting on the last calamitous cabinet days of the Defence Secretary

Philip Kent Commons on the 10th of October for his actions, but this was not enough to Last Friday, after a week of revelations quench the controversy over his position, over wrongdoing in his affairs, the De- and he ultimately resigned on the 14th. fence Secretary, Dr Liam Fox, announced The Prime Minister expressed his regret his resignation to the Prime Minister. in seeing Dr Fox leave the Cabinet, while The fi rst Tory cabinet minister to resign Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim has been replaced by Philip Hammond, Murphy stated, ‘It was inconceivable that whose Transport brief is now to be ful- once a minister had been seen to break fi lled by Treasury minister Justine Green- their own code of conduct on so many ing. occasions that he could survive’. Dr Fox has been under a great deal of At the time of writing, the Cabinet Of- pressure to resign after it was discovered fi ce report on the extent of the relation- he had been granting inappropriate ac- ship between Dr Fox and Mr Werritty in cess to both himself and the Ministry of Government is yet to be fully released. Defence to Adam Werritty, a friend and Mr Werritty has been interviewed by lobbyist. Mr Werritty accompanied the civil servants as part of a Cabinet Offi ce defence minister on a number of offi cial Enquiry, with Whitehall offi cials said to trips, including visits to foreign diplomats be alarmed with the details uncovered. and military fi gures. He also styled him- The Enquiry has already confi rmed that self as an ‘Advisor to Rt. Hon. Dr. Liam Liam Fox did indeed breach the minis- Fox MP’ on business cards, despite hav- terial code. However, the fi nal report is ing no offi cial role in the Government. expected to fi nd that he did not benefi t Dr Fox apologised to the House of fi nancially. A whirlwind of business cards and political bust ups for Dr Liam Fox 14 Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX Business Editors: Nina Kearsey Beñat Gurrutxaga-Lerma BUSINESS [email protected] Letter from the Editors SPECIAL REPORT: Quantitative Easing Your new BUSINESS editors bring you a special report into Quantitative Easing Two of our top contributors summarise the situation and pass comment. Rajvinder Virdee introduces us to the policy in the context of the worsening global fi nancial situation and ex- plains its effects on the man-on-the-street. Then, in the second part of our special, Shiang-Jin Chin delves into the reasoning behind this measure, and discusses some of the broader impli- cations in terms of British economic policy. QE, or not QE, that is the question

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer sion defi cit of FTSE 350 companies increased by £70bn. Now the BoE has committed to yet The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, more QE, it has estimated another increase of £25bn in the defi cit will occur. And these are Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, conservative estimates. To cover the defi cit, employers will have to use more of their own And by opposing end them? money to pay off pensions resulting in lower capital expenditure being pumped into the economy. These new facts seem to make QE Rajvinder Virdee economy. More interesting was the mention seem less and less attractive. of Credit Easing. The real difference with this It’s hard to say if QE is working or not with There was a global economic meltdown in alternate kind of Easing is that the Average Joe so many problems going on at the same time 2008. World governments have since spent may actually see some benefi t of the process. in world economies. In light of the pensions their time running through plans A-Z to try Instead of a central bank, e.g. the BoE, buying issue it seems we are seeing the bad effects of and reboot economies, but so far any recovery bonds in banks, the aim is to buy corporate £200 billion, but the benefi ts of just £130bn. has been wiped out by other problems such bonds. Whilst no one has quite yet decided Most of the central banks love the idea of QE, as the crisis in the Eurozone. The problem of what an English version of Credit Easing but it’s not completely apparent why. Instead what to do with the levels of debt has been might be, it would seem that banks will be perhaps George Osborne should be praised puzzling politicians all over the world. Big encouraged to bundle together the loans and for having the guts to say he is going to try players, including Ben Bernanke, Chairman overdrafts of small companies which would something else. Credit Easing seems fairer, of the Federal Reserve, and Sir Mervyn King, then be bought by the BoE. This should in and will inject money into the economy where Governor of the Bank of England, seem to theory ease cash fl ow for small companies and it is hurting the most: on the High Streets, in The news in fi nance and the economy does not think Quantitative Easing (QE) is the solution. help them stay liquid through the recovery. shopping centres, and in people’s pockets, not endear itself to an ‘everyman’ readership. Obtuse In buying government bonds, the central Another problem with QE that has recently just the bonus packets of bankers as QE does. language, subtle argument and the inescapable bank raises the price of the assets bought and been uncovered is the pension ‘black hole’. So, to QE or not QE? It would seem that per- requirement to resort to mathematics and sta- reduces their yield. The aim of QE is to in- Pension fund liabilities stretch long into the haps QE should not be the way forward. It’s tistics defi ne a small subset of Business read- crease the excess reserves of banks so if ev- future, usually linked to long-term bond been tried for three years, and although it may ers from the many that fi lter through the headline erything goes belly up and debt is defaulted, yields. QE lowers bond yields and so this have helped prevent a double-dip recession, it pages of our broadsheets and other newspapers. the bank has enough cash (or liquid assets) to would seem a problem, and it is. In fact it’s is no way to promote economic growth. If the But whether understood or not, the fi nancial situa- cover their back. So although the process in- a big problem. When the BoE’s fi rst round of question were reduced down to picking teams tion of the UK, the Eurozone and overseas (albeit creases the rate of infl ation, the normal citizen QE was fi nished, resulting in £200bn worth of as in the school playground - sorry Ben, but mostly in a westerly direction), has begun to im- does not get any access to the new money; it’s bonds bought, it was estimated that the pen- let’s go with George. pact on readers of Arts and Business alike. Infl a- used to save the same people who caused the tion and interest rates are tangible, and now, more mess in the fi rst place. Prices go up but with than being felt, they will hurt: infl ation in the UK pay packets frozen debts are no easier to deal rose above 5% this September, spurred mainly by with. increasing energy prices, while interest is fl atlining The problem is deciding when to stop. How at a tenth of that, and rumours it could be cut to much money can be printed before the situ- as little as 0.25%. ation spirals out of control? Because it’s not With the pragmatism of scientists we may look just infl ation QE will affect, it will also lead to solve these economic woes. More than their so- the weakening of a nation’s currency, which lution however, it is the mechanism by which these is especially problematic in an export based issues are tackled that we should consider. We economy (it becomes more expensive for you have to create the conditions in which a solution to buy goods from outside, and cheaper for can be achieved: namely, by fostering debate. And others to buy yours). As soon as the “good as debate begins with information, we are here to times” return QE needs to be reversed and inform. Read our section, tell us what you like and banks will need to buy back the assets other- what you don’t; tell us what you agree with, dis- wise the problems could very quickly get out agree with, and why. We’ve an advantage in know- of control. ing our readers to be smart and mathematically The recent party conferences produced adept. We know you can understand; all we really some interesting alternatives, such as that need is your interest. proposed by the current chancellor George Osborne. Although the now famous Plan-G – The Business Editors (G for graphene) stole the headlines, a £50mn Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and Sir Mervyn King, Govenor of the investment into R&D is unlikely to save the Bank of England, ponder possible solutions to the worsening fi nancial situation. FELIX Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 15 BUSINESS The launch of the QE2

Shiang-Jin Chin tive Easing “QE2”, creating £75bn of might not be so bad an idea after all. electronic money with which to buy gilt Secondly, whether originally intended If central banks could instigate growth (UK government bonds)? or not, QE2 will buy more time for the by simply printing more money, they For one thing, the negative effect of coalition government - for George Os- would have done so a long time ago. the fi rst QE package - infl ation - appears borne’s fi scal consolidation plan and A recent Bank of England (BoE) re- to be far smaller than what would be ex- austerity measures to begin to work. search report attests to the theory that pected: although the BoE had injected Despite the coalition government’s cash injections are infl ationary: while the capital equivalent of 14% of the freezing of spending, cutting of civil the Quantitative Easing (QE) package Gross Domestic Product (GDP) into the servant jobs, and reducing of social of £200bn had an initial macroeco- economy, infl ation accounted for by the welfare payments, the UK economy, as nomic impact of 1.5-2%, it was quickly QE so far has maxed at 1.5% - small in measured by GDP, has grown slower followed by an increase in Consumer comparison to the money injected. than expected. This will hurt the growth Price Index (CPI, the key index for in- Besides, since reaching its peak in of tax revenue, and delay Osborne’s Whilst QE2 is being launched, Cameron happily counts how many more are fl ation) of about 1.5%. Infl ation may January 2010, the growth of the broad timetable for defi cit reduction. QE2 going to be needed. This is cagely received by an ageing Osborne and King. help reduce unemployment according money aggregate M4 (an estimate of the can help here in two ways: by creat- to Keynesian doctrine, but it will not entire supply of money within an econ- ing a positive impact on GDP growth borrowing cost for the coalition govern- nifi cant reductions to the funding for benefi t the underlying economy in the omy) has been stagnant; it has even de- in short time horizon, and by helping to ment, at a time when interest payment schools and hospitals are made, or sup- long term. clined. Given the velocity of circulation infl ate the economy, thus reducing the for government debt already accounts port cut off for those reliant on public So why would the BoE, with the of money went unchanged, this suggests cost of any tax reductions implemented. for 7% of the budget expenditure. pension schemes and social benefi ts, the benefi t of hindsight in these statistics that the country may soon be facing de- Additionally, by lowering the yield on Whatever the problems with QE it burden caused by repayments must be on the fi rst QE program, still press for- fl ationary pressures instead of an infl a- 10-year government bonds through would therefore seem that unless more shared. In launching the QE2 the BoE is ward with a second round of Quantita- tionary ones. In the face of defl ation QE QE2, the BoE will manage to reduce the public sector jobs are to be shed, sig- simply making this decision for us. The Economy in History The Cautionary Tale of Mansa Musa of Mali

Beñat Gurrutxaga-Lerma sand courtiers attended King Musa, Nina Kearsey accompanied by their servants and be- longings and carried on myriads of cam- Legend has it that, as for all faithful els in a procession so long it was said to Muslims, the day came when the good take more than two days to see it pass King Musa of Mali announced to his by. Among their effects, King Musa people that he would be leaving Mali had taken with him the royal treasury for the Hajj, the pilgrimage to Mecca. of Mali, which, according to the legend, The announcement, though praised by consisted in such a wealth in gold that the wise and respected by all his sub- it required no less than a hundred el- jects, came with fear, as the trip from ephants to be carried. Niani to Mecca was long and perilous. After a peaceful journey through the Wishing to ease their king’s trip, Sahara, the royal party reached Egypt, the people of Mali helped with the ar- where caliph Al-Nasir received King rangements of the royal caravan. When Musa warily in Cairo; his spies had told it fi nally departed, the royal party was him that the king’s wealth was so fabu- something to be seen: more than a thou- lous he could have bought the whole Mansa –Emperor– Musa of Mali (1312-1337, bottom right), holding one of the golden nuggets Mali was so fa- of Egypt. However, the Caliph needn’t mous for during the Middle Ages have feared, as Cairo’s most capable merchants were on his side. According to the legend, whilst Al- or bury their new fortunes, simply in- tian economy could have equilibriated thus become (very) negative. Nasir and Musa entertained themselves creased their consumption proportion- following this cash injection: Hume’s Then, as more and more gold was in staring contests to determine who ally. But their interests clashed: they all price-specie-fl ow mechanism. taken abroad, Egyptian infl ation would should vow to whom fi rst, Musa’s royal wanted to buy then same fi ne things and Crucially, medieval Egypt was not an have to come to an end and bazaar mer- household visited Cairo’s bazaar to buy the market became saturated with de- isolated community, but traded actively chants would begin to feel their pock- for their master all the luxuries on offer. mand. They discovered that they could with countries in Europe, Asia and Af- ets empty. Unable to bid up their prices Upon realizing that the fabled wealth of not get all they wanted without bidding rica. After King Musa left, it found itself internally, price defl ation would follow. King Musa was no tale, the merchants up the prices and soon Cairo’s real es- fl ooded with gold, and this lead to in- However, Hume continued, since Egyp- promptly discovered that what no Egyp- tate, food and commodity market prices ternal infl ation. However, foreign goods tian prices were then set to defl ate, at tian would have paid more than 3 dinar had doubled, reaching levels hitherto were still as cheap as before, and hav- some point their goods would again be- for, Musa’s subjects would buy for 30. unknown. Such are the risks of QE. ing more gold, Egypt could steeply income attractive exports that foreigners They increased their prices by so much crease its imports. Concurrently, Egyp- would pay for in gold. So, after a time, for the Malians that upon leaving Cairo Panta rei; money too tian goods being so expensive, exports an equilibrium would be reached, and towards Mecca the king’s wealth had all would have ceased. This would then the balance of payments be restored. but vanished, left in hands of the happy lead to a decrease in the gold income Incidentally, a great deal of king Mu- few bazaar merchants. In 1752 the Scottish Philosopher Da- due to exports, and, imports being paid sa’s gold ended up in Italian merchants David Hume (1711-1776), Scot- These merchants, suddenly rich and vid Hume came up with an explanation in gold, to an effective export of Egypt’s hands, where it helped fi nance the early tish Philosopher and Economist lacking of any good incentive to save for the mechanism by which the Egyp- gold; the balance of payments would Italian Renaissance. 16 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Business Editors: Nina Kearsey Beñat Gurrutxaga-Lerma BUSINESS [email protected] Founder Stories: Storify and MinuteBox The Imperial Entrepeneurs report on talks from two new companies looking to harness the power of the social network By “Storify allows people voices can impact wide audiences, be remembered, change the world”. His to create stories around aim is to reinvent storytelling with Jamal Khan & Rafal Szymanski social media; to make everyone a posts” ‘journalist’. One tip he gives to aspiring entre- Last Friday, as part of the Impe- grew their businesses from scratch in preneurs: “Don’t ask for permission; rial Entrepreneurs speaker series uncertain times. ask for forgiveness.” It is, after all, programme, the founders of Storify Xavier, who has a background in in the words of Steve Jobs, those of (storify.com), Xavier Damman, and Computer Science, joined the City us who “think different ... have no MinuteBox (minutebox.com), Josh for one year before swiftly moving respect for the status quo”, that will Liu, came to the Imperial Business on to starting his own business. His make a noticeable difference in this School. first concept was to develop a product world. The evening kicked off with a pre- to help people publish stories around The second visiting entrepreneur sentation from Imperial Entrepre- social media, in particular Twitter. He was Josh Liu from Minutebox. Josh neurs about what they do and the set was bold, and moved from Brussels is an alumni of Imperial College, and of events planned out for the year. to Silicon Valley with his girlfriend his product focuses on getting people Both speakers had fascinating stories without knowing what to expect and forming contacts between specialists of entrepreneurship and how they with only a few contacts. After six in certain areas of expertise. Though months of hard work and networking, the first iteration of his product got his business, Storify, got $2 million some negative publicity on Tech- Xavier Damman, founder of Storify, discusses his move to Silicon Valley funding from Khosla Ventures and Crunch (a leading technology/start- also managed to sucure a co-founder up blog), Minutebox went on to be- Minutebox. ing route toward investment banking. in the media industry. Xavier was come a succesful startup, enabling The visit from Xavier and Josh is Imperial College represents some of juggling his time between meetings individuals to take part in live chats just the first of many inspiring talks the top intellect around the world, and with venture capitalists and coding with professionals in various fields Imperial Entrepreneurs has planned. it is just this kind of people that are the product by himself. through looking at their LinkedIn The focus of the society is to promote able to create innovative companies His start-up, Storify, allows peo- profiles. Josh came from a working entrepreneurship and the idea that of their own which generate value for ple and companies to create stories class family and fought hard to break there are other prospects for Impe- society. around posts on social media sites in- out of it and build his own business. rial graduates than the very tempt- cluding Twitter, Facebook, and You- His biggest piece of advice from the If you are interested in entrepreneur- tube. He is passionate about the con- evening was to make sure you have ship, starting your own company, the cept of sharing and how his product a great team when starting out, as “... to reinvent technology sector, or just want to listen allows people to capture individual these are the people who you will to some very inspiring speakers, come posts, photos and links that would be spending most of your time with. storytelling with to the talks organised by Imperial Entre- otherwise have been lost in the web, Even though Josh was not a technical preneurs! Sign up for the mailing list at: and create stories around them. Ac- cofounder, it was his succesful col- social media; to make cording to Xavier “Everybody is a re- laboration with the team he formed www.imperialentrepreneurs.com Josh Liu, founder of MinuteBox porter, but thanks to journalists, those that ensured the eventual success of everyone a journalist”

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Bonkers£3 ffeateat FFridayriday 2828 OctoberOctober 22011011 220:000:00 -02:00-02:00 iimperialmperialccollegeollegeuunionnion..org/org/mmetricetric 18 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Sam Horti Tim Arbabzadah COMMENT [email protected] FELIX The Heaven of Hell The path to graduation: not all about internships

As this year’s cohort of new graduates eases itself away from university life, many will either be beginning or continu- ing in their new careers. However, it is important to realise that unemployment remains an ever present issue for gradu- Sam Horti ates. Unemployment finds itself at its highest total since 1994, with just over he question of what hap- two and a half million people finding pens to us after we die is themselves out of work – a significant one that has troubled us proportion being newly graduated stu- as a species for thousands dents. Despite these solemn figures, it is of years, and to this day good to take a step back and realise that Tmany among us still wrestle daily with You’d think they would have got around to installing an escalator by now Imperial degrees remain highly sought our own doubt and confusion over the after, and that we must not lose focus matter. The posthumously themed won- on what this university has to offer other derings of religious movements and Heaven would quite simply be hell to than study. philosophers alike have produced many me. Taking part in this The university experience has become weird and wonderful ideas fi lled with What heaven gives us is the offer of a internship-focused as of late, with un- fantasy and creativity. The conspicu- never-ending existence, and personally, everlasting horror show dergraduates – from first year onwards ously man-made nature of the afterlife I do not wish to exist for eternity. The – relentlessly applying for summer place- as displayed in modern religions isn’t thought of being trapped behind the isn’t something that I could ments. The tenacity and drive of said stu- something that I feel it would be worth- bars of being is to me a horrifying one, dents towards securing a career must be while to investigate at great length, however great my existence might turn possibly wish on my worst admired, but at what cost does it come? mainly because of the fact that it is so out to be. After all, after my “soul” has There are those who can balance the palpable that the term “fl ogging a dead spent 20 million years inside the pearly enemy, let alone myself. hunt for a suitable internship alongside horse” comes to mind. The grubby fi n- gates, I think it may struggle to fi nd academic work, social and sporting activ- gerprints of mankind are present wher- something to do for fun. As If anyone ities. However, there are also those who ever you look. tells you that they wish to exist forever will struggle with the balance that such To give a brief example, I would in- then it is safe to say that infi nity is not a fi lling and productive way to live, and a schedule demands. It is necessary vite you to call to mind a fundamental concept they have fi rmly grasped. Oth- even the religious pay attention to this for these individuals to realise that not belief that many religious people will erwise, it must be accepted that they“ fact. I do not know a religious person all aspects of the university experience espouse; specifi cally the idea that your wish to inhabit a realm from which that honestly conducts themselves as need to be juggled at once. own immaterial soul (whatever that there is no escape, a realm which they if this earth is some sort of trial, one Internships provide a good deal of expe- means) leaves your body to travel onto desire so strongly that they are willing big cosmic joke to which the punch rience in the ‘real world’, with the prom- the afterlife after your body has expired. to pay the measly entry fee of their free- line comes in the form of slavery to the ise of a salary providing students with a The religions of our time do not seem to dom, surely one of the most important almighty God” who so graciously gave significant incentive (especially with the have quite the required imagination to things a “soul” possesses. us life in the fi rst place. Only once you spectre of student loans awaiting grad- free their minds of the earthly shackles Of course this offer that heaven gives fully realise that this life is the only one uates). However, they are by no means that bind them, and therefore we are left you, and that God gives you, is not an that you’re going to get are you able to the be all and end all. Despite the lat- with a post mortem experience which offer at all. It is an insistence. An insist- look upon the face of true freedom and est unemployment figures leading to the may evoke fear or joy in highly devel- ence that you must spend your timeless embrace your ultimate independence. perception that internships will give you oped primates, but would have no ef- stay endlessly praising and worshiping a head start, employers will also be im- fect on an immaterial soul. The eternal the ever-watching big brother. Worst of pressed by a dedication to college life, fi res of hell proclaimed in the gospels all, alongside the limitless grovelling or relevant experience towards the line of can be extinguished when you realise comes a further requirement – that you work you take interest in – not necessar- that a soul has no skin to feel the pain must enjoy yourself in the process. This Want to stop ily the first class honours you achieved. of a burn, and I’m afraid the promised idea, that you have no choice but to It is important to remember that not virgins in the Islamic Jannah (paradise) have fun whilst you submit completely obnoxiously titled every aspect of university leads towards are going to have to remain distinctly and selfl essly to an unelected dictator, your future after graduation. This is why unsatisfi ed for obvious reasons. is something that I fi nd indescribably comment pieces the comments such as those made this What the concept of an eternal heav- nauseating and very creepy. As Chris- week by the Arts & Entertainment Board en gives many people is hope of a better topher Hitchens so wonderfully puts it, like the one on the issue of bar night policy must be existence. By simply doing good on the it would be akin to living in a “celestial admired. The fact that club chairs have earth and acting in accordance with the North Korea”. The difference being of opposite going a common goal towards the improvement teachings of your chosen celestial lead- course, as Hitchens himself points out of social events is a testament to the er, you can achieve perfection after you is that “at least you can fucking die and in? thriving extra-curricular side of Imperial pass away. Leaving aside the implica- leave North Korea”. Taking part in this that is often overlooked by many. Gain tions this has for morality (what would everlasting horror show isn’t something Why not write for us then! relevant experience for the future if you happen without the promise of heav- that I could possibly wish on my worst are able, but make sure to find this not en?), I would like to ask those of you enemy, let alone myself. Send your submissions in to: only in the workplace, but elsewhere too. who hope for an afterlife a simple ques- As I see it, not having an afterlife is tion. Would you enjoy heaven? When- by far and away the most attractive op- [email protected] ever I have asked myself this question, tion. Living life as if there is nothing the answer is always a resounding no. more to come is surely the most ful- FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 19 COMMENT Postmodernism... wait, don’t run away!

don’t know if you’ve heard, but are knowledgeable about this kind of there’s an exhibition on at the thing and you’ll get fi fty different an- V&A at the moment. You know, swers. Fifty different “valid” answers. It that nice building on the other makes my physicist brain start twitch- side of Exhibition road – the ing nervously; which is, apparently, the Ione that has “art” and “design” in it. If whole point. So, there’s a word describ- you’re a fresher, and you haven’t paid it ing something that everyone (read: art a visit yet, that’s fair enough. I do sug- boffi ns) can relate to but that no-one can gest you go at some point in your next really defi ne. Honestly, as far as intel- three (or four) years – it’s just across the lectual abstraction and weird concepts street, and you’d be surprised at how go, quantum mechanics has nothing on Indy Leclercq refreshing a bit of “something that isn’t postmodernism. science” can be. If you’re not a fresher, One way of approaching it, I’m told, is and you haven’t been yet, go – if only by using modernism as a starting point. to ogle at/try and chat up one of the fi t Everything that modernism stands for, art students taking notes at the latest postmodernism wants to subvert, de- It was either this, or use a picture of Kraftwerk. We figured this wasn’t as exhibition (also it’s a refreshing change stroy, and turn on its head. scary from Imperial). This was pretty evident at the exhi- I was at the V&A at the weekend – not bition, with posters, paintings, clothes for the above reasons – for their new ex- and various household items that most ends with an ‘n’. cepts are relevant to today’s society, hibition on postmodernism. Before you people would call ‘weird’ but are appar- I’m going to attract the ire of many ar- though. Modernism is defi nitely dead; stop reading this in disgust, let me just ently just ‘postmodern’. You can make a tistically-inclined people here but to be there are no more ideals of machine-like say two things: this is not a review of prefab garage with elements of classical honest, it seems to me that while there perfection, no more utopias, and fast- the exhibition, because I know next to Greek architecture, encase a turntable may be some justifi cation for it, most paced art (and society) isn’t based on nothing about art, and what the fuck is and some speakers in industrial con- artists and designers just ran out of con- reason and scientifi c thought any more. postmodernism? Your guess is as good crete, or make a chair that only a one- ventional ideas, took a lot of drugs and Now, superfi cial style is everything, as mine, mate. legged dwarf would be able to fi t into made a bunch of weird “subversive” art is more about meaning than artistic Maybe the exhibition could pro- and call all of it postmodern. shit and sold it for a lot of money. Fair skill and the things you see in galleries, vide an answer? The main thing I got You can also make Blade Runner, or play to them – even though the whole like everything else, are all meant to be out of wandering through weirdly lit, form Kraftwerk: yep, that’s postmod- thing collapsed under its own weight “consumed”. high-ceilinged rooms for an hour and ern too. All the weird fashion trends in when people realised they were paying In conclusi- wait a minute. It makes a half was this: No-one effi ng knows the eighties? Bizarre buildings? About $50,000 for a weirdly-shaped coffee sense now: postmodernism is basically what postmodernism is. Apparently, fi ve hundred weird teapots? The word maker. The X Factor. you can ask fi fty different people who you’re looking for starts with a ‘p’ and I do think some postmodernist con- Would I be THIS hot with glasses? Meh.

o you wear glasses? It at those inferior specimens of humani- ultimate all or nothing, win or lose, an extended period of humming the seems like a decent pro- ty. Then, when I was about 17, it turned glory or failure solution to both prob- Rocky theme tune for me to pluck up portion of the popula- out I needed glasses. Karma’s a bitch. lems probably involves copious con- the courage to put them in. Also, I tion do. If my unscien- Now I move on to my dilemma and sumption of alcohol. I’ve heard horror don’t trust myself to be able to remove tifi c, empirical study of why I turned to contact lenses. My stories about LASER eye surgery. If I them while drunk; wearing them on a lookingD around sometimes (leave the eyesight is not great, but it’s just about ever have that then I’m going medieval night out is therefore not yet an option. hardcore, well researched science for good enough to be able to function in terms of anesthetic – just in case. Hopefully, practice makes perfect. lectures) and thinking, “shit, a lot of without glasses from a visual stand- Putting contrived analogies aside for They do, however, have one trump people wear glasses” (I’m all eloquent point, although perhaps socially it’s a second, there is another solution to card: at fi rst, every time you are wear- like that, my parents are very proud) another story. For example, I know the bad eyes that doesn’t involve glass- ing them, you think about how awe- counts for anything then I have de- that things that are blurry shouldn’t be es. During the summer, I actually man- some it is that everything is now essen- fi nitive evidence that a non negligible blurry. I can see that the sign has writ- aged to achieve one of the things I had tially in HD without the aid of glasses. Tim Arbabzadah number of the population wear glasses. ing on it, but I can’t read the writing. planned: I tried contact lenses. Saying My contact lenses do seem to want to It seems that a lot of people don’t have My eyes are such a tease. that, I did do it right at the end of the remind me of this fact, by starting to 20/20 vision. As a side note, that’s a Sometimes, I think I’d prefer it if summer, so it’s only a partial victory go intermittently blurry after I’ve worn phrase that I fi nd odd. Anyone who there was no hope of seeing someone’s for pro-activeness. them for a few consecutive hours. has good eyes says they have that; but face clearly from a short distance, rath- Why would I do such a thing when The take home message is this: book I thought it was only those with perfect er than sharp focus being just about my current glasses work fi ne and are an appointment and try contact lenses. vision. I guess it’s like the way every- out of my reach. So, my eyes exist in hipsterlicious? I can feel my bespec- If you’re squeamish about touching one over 5ft10 tells you that they’re an irritating in-between zone. If they tacled brothers and sisters reading in your eye, don’t worry, a lot of people 6ft. were a bit worse I would resign myself disgust, thinking I’m a vain sell out. are, you’ll get over it. Once you do you I think a guy I used to get the train to to the fact that I just don’t have great Partially true, but also it’s just nice to will feel like an absolute boss. Besides, school with put it elegantly one cold, eyesight, and if they were slightly bet- not have to carry around glasses and during the start of term, when work is rainy morning when he said: “Having ter I wouldn’t even notice. It’s basi- feel lost if you don’t have them. at a relative minimum, it is the best crap eyes would be well annoying”. At cally the optical equivalent of being I’m not going to say that they have time to take the plunge. the time, my eyes weren’t yet “crap”, in the Friend Zone with that girl/guy immediately revolutionized my life. Wait, that last sentence was transfer- so I smirked along with him, laughing you really like. Thinking about it, the Mainly because, at the minute, it takes rable advice. 20 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Sam Horti Tim Arbabzadah COMMENT [email protected] Low Class versus No Class - Jeremy Kyle and Felix TV

ou know, it amazes me playing a banjo.” Well, as long as it’s sometimes, the levels funny. of objectionable shit I It’s probably worth mentioning that see every day without the Jeremy Kyle show is not the best feeling the need to write television show around. Remember, aboutY it here. The Christian Union’s though, that the production team heav- latest poster, for instance, which adver- ily cherrypick their guests to maximise tised with glee a speaker who is said whatever effect they’re going for that to “put the fear of God up atheists”, week. The one solitary piece of fac- using the same reassuring tones that tual information in the Felix article Crusades-era religious believers were explained how some episodes focus on Angry Geek so good at employing. And yet – no sob stories, others attempting to ‘re- column on it. I just couldn’t summon solve’ conﬂ ict - generally through pok- the will to invent new defecation-based ing the guests until one of them snaps swears that adequately captured the on camera. Once you’ve got the right barrel-scraping depths to which those guests, the rest is left up to Jeremy him- shit-gargling evangelists had stooped. self, a man with slightly less charisma Maybe, I thought, I was getting old. I than a dead monitor lizard, and equally was mellowing. cold-blooded. Apparently he likes to lick things clean. This is an innuendo-free caption Then a friend of mine forwarded Don’t be fooled by the fact that the a link to a Felix article. And after I’d show appears to appeal to people ‘be- blacked out with incandescent rage low you’, though. The entire show is job.” Tick. “They need educating”. examine the world we’re living in. and laid waste to a small segment of designed to make you think it’s tar- House! What do I win, George? Oh, it’s I don’t expect people who are edu- West Kensington, I found myself with geting someone less classy than you. a fundamental misunderstanding of the cated enough to study at Imperial, a desire to write. The article in question That’s the show’s selling point: that foundation of equality that modern so- and interested enough to sign up for features in last week’s Felix, discuss- when you watch it, you get to feel su- ciety is built on. Hooray! a course based on science, reason and ing the merits of the Jeremy Kyle show perior. Even the Felix article manages I’m tired. I’m tired of bullshit like intellect, to be writing in their student with all the thoughtfulness and under- to deduce this with the limited number this, and having to excuse my own paper espousing the merits of inequal- standing of a Tory social policy. of brain cells seemingly available to fucking institution when talking to oth- ity and holier-than-thou fuckwittery. I As a piece of writing, it makes about the author, noting in conclusion that er people. That friend that sent me the know I detest almost every single one as much sense as the opinions it clum- “it does wonders for your ego to know article? He goes to Aberdeen Univer- of you fuckers, but I do that anyway. sily attempts to shit out onto the page. that you will never be as shit a person sity. The only reason he saw this article That’s a baseline. You don’t have to Starting off appearing to criticise the as they are”, although this fact is noted was because it got linked to on a major aspire towards that goal by being the much-maligned talk show for the way without the appropriate level of irony. Internet forum that decried it as hor- biggest horse cock you can possibly be. it treats its guests and so on, by the end It’s no surprise though. Most of this riﬁ c and insulting - which it is. While So maybe next week we could have a of the article the author is praising it article was written on autopilot, spew- it thrills me to have something to be so TV section about actual television, and for being such. “It may well be ‘human ing out lines repeated so often they’ve riled by, and it pleases me that Felix I’ll try and have a comment column bear-baiting’”, he writes, barely visible lost all meaning. It’s like Racist Fuck- can still print student opinion no matter about how funny it is when geologists on top of his stack of high horses, “but wit Bingo. “Leeching off the govern- how moronic, I think it’s time for some pretend they’re actually doing science. to be honest it’s funnier than a penguin ment.” Tick. “Too damn lazy to get a of us to take a step back and actually re- That way, no-one has to be sterilised. Your meat offends me, deal with it

was eating my lunch in the JCR going to stoop to his level so I just I don’t go around eating people’s ba- but if you think about it, it’s sort of (two-bean goulash YUM! :D) walked away. Always ignore a bully ;) bies because that would be frowned stealing. No-one has asked the chick- and this random guy just comes Anyway, I’m not here to preach, I on and I would go to prison, but it’s en if you can take her eggs and I read and sits down next to me and just want to explain my views. If you no different to eating animals. The this article once that said that they starts devouring a greasy eat stuff that comes from animals, you other day I was on my uncle’s farm have tested chicken’s stress levels af- Istinky burger. I asked him if he mind- are wrong. I’m sorry, but you are. You when some chicks were hatching and ter stealing their eggs and it goes up! ed moving because I ﬁ nd the stench of can defend your actions as much as I just couldn’t understand why any- I don’t think I could eat an omelette cooked meat to be nauseating. As you you like by saying that animals don’t one would want to murder those little knowing that there is a stressed chick- may have guessed, I’m a vegan. When have emotions or can’t feel pain, but cuties. When you look in their eyes en on my hands. I see people eating meat, cheese, cake they have rights and you are abusing there is something there, like an unex- Anyway, that’s my little piece over. or any other food that has come from them. Don’t worry, I’m not saying that plainable connection. I think the baby Like I say, I have opinions and I’m animals, I just feel sick. I’m not one of you can’t eat meat because everyone chickens have just as much a soul not expecting you to read my articles Gurl With Opinions those in-your-face vegans, but I have has freedom, but you have to know as we do – along with loads of other if you don’t like them, so there is no my right to ask someone to move if deep-down that what you are doing is animals. need to post nasty comments about my they’re going to offend my beliefs. immoral. Some people argue that eating the articles on the Felix website. I don’t The guy rudely told me to f**k off, so No-one has asked animals if they eggs of chickens (or ducks, or other mind constructive criticism, but I I just moved to another table. I wasn’t can eat their meat or drink their milk. birds) doesn’t harm them in anyway, won’t read your abusive comments :) FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 21 COMMENT Could the American university system work here?

The well-defined … the American style pathways in the British system has its merits higher education and could be the system help students key to a progressive, maintain focus “internationally unified “ Yes – Alexander Karapetian university system No – Alexandra Nowbar

e shouldn’t be so quick to react students who narrowly miss a 2:1 from feeling like ’m here to advocate the British university ceptible to indecision and easy distraction; more negatively towards the recent their degree was a waste of time. Also, those who system. It should be a walk in the park – choice is not necessarily a good thing. At Imperial, intention to change towards would normally obtain third class honours could Hyde, not Central. And yes, that was about people can, and do, change” courses, but only very the American style system of still be taken into consideration, since reshuffling as hilarious as Gurl With Opinion’s article occasionally. Perhaps this is because we aren’t be- having a Grade Point Average modules in the calculation could allow the blow of from last week was profound. She (or the ing bombarded with temptation from a wide range (GPA)W by UCL. Students under the UK classifi ca- a low GPA score to be somewhat” softened. troll)I informs us that boys are magnetized by their of classes. tion system are often under great pressures to attain Lastly, one factor pushing UCL to consider the confi dence. I imagine boys reading her pearls of I hope no one gives me nonsense about the a degree with 2:1 or above, with those not doing switch to GPA style scoring is grade inflation. Does wisdom will be sceptical about this presumption Americans thus becoming more cultured and well- so risking slipping completely under the radar of a first from 2010 carry the same weight as one from and perhaps wonder why a girl so confi dent would rounded because ultimately a student can’t really potential employers. 1994? Are students getting better/exams getting not reveal her identity. But that aside (wouldn’t be a jack of all trades; whether it’s before or after The American system awards degrees with grades easier? That’s another discussion in itself, but it want to make too much of a fuss in case it was a university, we will all have to settle down and pick worked out from the average of the results of all should be noted that with a GPA system using class troll), I expect my side of the argument to be easy a career path. In theory there is nothing wrong with courses taken. The grades are numerically represen- ranking, grade inflation is eliminated. It is particu- to the point of thinking I could get away with any doing a minor but I feel that our system of hav- tative of performance, more so than simply ‘’2:1’’, larly evident that an increasing amount of British old ramble. However, there’s been too much daft ing some optional modules within a course is more where one could be within the range of 60% to 69%, students are leaving for American universities. In writing of late so I will make an effort to present logical; there, a science student could take an Eng- a large difference in academic performance. The the US, students can keep their options open by a strong case that focuses on undergraduate study. lish minor or an art class and because these would system also allows for ranking within a cohort, of- way of choosing minor courses alongside their ma- The first hurdle to consider is the obvious fi- still be worth credits (i.e. doing well matters) they fering honours such as Salutatorian and Valedicto- jors. Although this can be said to exist in the UK, nancial burden of studying in the US: a minimum would take equal priority to studying for the major. rian for the second highest and highest respectively. the choices are severely limited in comparison. A of 4 years’ study for an undergraduate degree at I believe other interests really ought to be pursued I disagree with such rankings, however, since this student would not have to choose their major until around £30,000 per year. That’s a lot to fork out externally. would discourage student cooperation and would the end of the second year in the US. without the help of a loan. That’s not to say a stu- Speaking of other interests, I imagine the sport- increase competition, adding another pressure to One could argue that costs remain a significant dent wouldn’t get a government loan, it’s just that ier British student might envy Americans because the myriad already present in typical university life. factor deterring students from the American uni- the US Department of Education want the money of their college level sports. Americans have defi- Aspects such as a numerical GPA can be used versities. However, it remains a little known fact back at a rate of 3.4%. Yes, that’s a preferential nitely tilted the balance in favour of promoting to the student’s advantage when looking for a job. that many British students will qualify for help rate when compared to ordinary loans but back in sport but I suspect they have gone too far. It is Under the American system, since students associ- as the British are relatively less well off than the Blighty the rate, which used to be 0%, is currently sometimes said that achievements on the field can ate their degree modules with majors and minors, Americans. A student with family income of a meagre 1.5%. These British handouts may not outweigh academic achievements on admission to one could recalculate their GPA using only classes £32,000 ($60,000) or below will have zero to pay be sustainable, especially with our current level some American universities. There is a great deal within the major (e.g. for very specific job applica- towards fees, accommodation and even an annual of graduate unemployment, but in the current eco- of pressure on universities in the US for their sport tions relevant to the major or to look more attractive flight back home. Students with a family income nomic climate I might venture that student loans teams to do well, so one can understand why they by eliminating minors which may bring the aver- at the UK threshold for aid from grants (£37,425) are water under the bridge. For the sake of the issue recruit in this way. But that’s not all. The real scan- age down). Applying this kind of system in the UK will still only have to pay a few hundred pounds, in hand (and my mental health) we won’t worry dal is the escalation of sponsorship of in college would provide pros and cons in a threefold manner. and those with incomes up to £64,000 still receive about any of that. football (American football) and the reported cor- Firstly, it would allow for employers to get a bet- aid from US universities. While the US certainly In my naivety, I’d expect the next hurdle for a ruption. So let’s not be too jealous, I’m convinced ter feel for how well a student performed over their has more elite universities in the world’s top 20, high school graduate to be what subject to do but that us ‘Brits’ don’t adopt the same obsession with degree course on average. They would be able to the UK’s strong position for such a smaller coun- not on your nanny. We may not be fond of our ob- winning and thus cheat or break the rules. distinguish between a borderline and comfortable try and population in world rankings must not be ligation to choose a subject of undergraduate study UCL deciding to offer GPAs as an alternative first, useful in pruning the 70 from the 90 per cents. overlooked. The US degrees last longer, and UK in sixth form, but far better to decide then than to to the degree classification disappointed me, ini- The disadvantage to this is that an average student students can be said to study a more focused cur- float around university aimlessly taking random tially because I’m a patriot so I’d rather fix any who endeavoured tirelessly to bag a first with 70% riculum with the added intensity of a shorter space classes. In the US a student commonly would not purported issues within the current system than or so will not be able to consider themselves safely of time. have to declare their “major” until the end of their adopt the American way, but also in part because in the same league as those in the 90s. Perhaps this Although my personal opinion remains against third “semester” and even then a large proportion the continual monitoring reeks of primary and sec- is the right way forward though. implementing the GPA system in the UK since I of students change their minds! At Harvard Uni- ondary education. So-called grade inflation can be The second element to consider if this system appreciate the prestige associated with first class versity, for example, a third of undergraduates countered by simply relaying one’s actual marks were widely implemented in the UK is that employ- degrees and feel many benefit from the masked change their fields after this declaration. Think and this is not unheard of in the job market. ers would then be compelled to consider a GPA as percentages and employment securities attached to how much time these students must be wasting. If Gurl With Opinions is speaking her ridiculous criteria for selection, rather than simply the top two the current system, I do believe the American style The well-defined pathways in the British higher mind, I figured I’d better speak my slightly more sensi- degree classifications. By setting the bar reason- system has its merits and could be the key to a pro- education system help students maintain focus. ble one, lest people lose faith in womankind altogether. ably, one would hope this could prevent the unlucky gressive, internationally unified university system. And undergraduate students are known to be sus- Sadly, I’m not sure much can be done to redeem her. 22 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Sam Horti Tim Arbabzadah COMMENT [email protected] When Equality is Unfair

quality is based on the ways of thinking, different way of doing first glace this appears to be fair and Research shows that this breeds mathematical equation. x = things etc. Providing them with equal just. But if we consider the individual- more envy, and produces lower morale x, y = y, there’s no 2 ways resources and treating them as equals ity of the persons working in that post, amongst employees than there would about it. It has to be the is at times unfair. For example, giving we see that the output varies from per- be in an unequal wage environment. same quantity, size, value both men and women one month paren- son to person. Not everyone is equally Furthermore, an equal salary means etc.E When applied to people, it refers tal leave is unfair. A woman needs to go motivated, equally skilled or equally there is no longer a monetary incentive to the state of being equal, especially in through a great deal more during preg- honest – not everyone has the same to exceed in your job. Employees also status, rights and opportunities. What it nancy, child-birth, and after the child characteristics. An employee who puts perceive the equal wage system as less does not take into consideration is the is born. Egalitarianism would suggest forth double the effort, and sells double fair, and this perception will lead to de- difference between people, their role in an equal time off for both parents, but the quantity of stock is paid the same as creased efficiency in the workplace. the world, their characteristics – their anyone with any sort of logical think- an employee who puts in a luck-lustre Of course, there are times when Mahfooz Hasan individuality. It turns human beings into ing would agree that women should be effort and couldn’t care less about how equality is fair. For example, men and numbers and equations, in order to suit given a longer maternal leave than men many products the shop is selling. In women should be given equal opportu- the logistics, to make it easy for law- get for paternal leave. Equality can at hindsight, surely, that looks like a poor nities to pursue a good education and a makers. On the other hand, fairness in- times be unfair, and to exercise a fair deal for the employee who actually career of their choice. But perhaps we volves taking into consideration a per- system one must look at the individual- wants to work. should not be so fixated on the ideol- son’s needs, his/her background – his/ ity of a person, rather than just looking Conventional wisdom suggests that ogy that equality solves discriminatory her individuality. It treats human beings at people as numbers and equations. unequal salary would cause friction and problems. Perhaps discrimination at as more than just numbers and equa- Let’s look at a more controversial jealousy in workplace, but in truth an certain times provides the solution for tions, it treats them as individuals with example: wages. Almost everywhere equal salary system is worse. It infuri- some of the problems; discrimination emotions, beliefs and morals. you will see that employees of the same ates the hard-working employees, who based on people’s work ethic, their ef- Take the famous battle of the sexes. grade are paid equal salary. For exam- feel aggrieved that colleagues that are fort and their honesty. Equality at times Men and women are not the same, they ple, all sales assistants in a supermarket putting in less effort are paid the same is unfair, and we should seek to be a are different: they have different emo- will be paid x amount of money, so as salary. It can bother them so much that society that aspires to be fair, not to be tional and physical needs, different to comply with equality laws, and at they eventually slack off themselves. equal. Did you know I once saw John Cleese in a curry house?

his one sentence can kick- about my daily life more or less nor- off a near-endless conver- mally. Celebrities are other people. sation of who saw who, What really concerns me is where this where and doing what. trend is heading. Another reason why Like them or loathe them, we have so many celebrities today is celebritiesT do get people talking. Off that yesterday’s celebrities (providing the top of my head, I can’t think of they haven’t slipped into the limbo any other use they might have. Every of obscurity) are still around, mix- day it gets easier to gossip – not just ing with the celebrities of today. The because of The News of the World’s celebrities of tomorrow will have to standard journalistic practices – but mingle with both of these earlier spe- also because of the sheer abundance cies, while more continue to be made. Rhys Davies of celebrities in our society today. The Earth can only support so many The only celebrities I had when I people: it will positively groan under I would like to make it clear was growing were Eric Cantona, Kon- so many egos. that this article is not a vent nie Huq and Leonardo from the Su- If the cult of celebrity continues to for my disappointment at perhero Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now grow at this rate, I predict that there being the one person in the there are more celebrities than there will come a point where everything UK not to have their phone are particles in the universe. Part of fl ips. It’ll happen when there are more I’m going to show her my Ohhh face hacked by The News of the the reason for this is that the entry re- celebrities than “normal” people. By World. Although, I am quite quirements for becoming a celebrity virtue of their rarity, the normal peo- insulted at not being hacked. have been severely lowered. Instead ple will be the new celebrities. For a start making shows where celebrities Charlie Sheen is actually a practicing Don’t you know who I am? of being a great athlete; successful while, more traditional celebrities will are turned into ordinary people. The Methodist. musician or actor; or a superhero role- continue to be pumped out, elevating prizes would br grandiose: one million I can’t imagine what will happen af- model, celebrity status is endowed on the status of the “normals” who are pounds! – removed from your estate. ter this great reversal, nor can I think anyone who has been on half an epi- left. Suddenly, celebrity magazines Then the biographies and tabloid con- of a way that it can be avoided. Celeb- sode of X-Factor or Big Brother. Hon- will begin pandering to them, so that fessionals would come out, the truth rity begets more celebrity. They feed orary celebrity status is even granted the celebrities can fi nd out how dress, in fi rst edition. Celebrities will admit on the fuel of interest, and can only to the siblings of celebrities, regard- eat and exercise like a ‘normal’ per- to all the drugs they haven’t taken, all die when that fuel is exhausted. But less of their talent, or lack thereof. son. the people they haven’t slept with, all we’ll never stop talking about celebri- While I do worry that this is rais- That’s only the tip of the pendulum the outrageous behaviour that they ties. How do I know? I don’t even care ing a culture of entitlement and that though. Once TV producers cotton on might have exaggerated a teeny bit. for them and I’ve spent the whole of fame is an ends unto itself, I can go to the reversed social order, they’ll The greatest revelation will be that this article talking about them! FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 23 COMMENT My life after graduation

his is an irrelevant time of Suddenly, you venture out in the big, the year for this article. As wide world to try and fi gure out life, not usual, my timing is wrong unlike Bambi. Yet, there are no more (must set a reminder to be hoops to jump through, no more do in sync with the rest of the this coursework or pass that exam; no Therd). Thoughts and hopes of gradu- more levels of this academic adventure, ation begin to emanate at about early or that fl uorescent light bulb moment. May to late June, sparkly spring seems The chains that reined in the horse are to set in motion a chain of celebration. removed, and suddenly … whoosh. The Then, reality hits: you still have to get horse doesn’t know where to go. Why Anum Farooq through those exams. isn’t there someone telling you what to Without much smugness (but a bit do!? of an irritating smirk), the exams have After Imperial, everything is easy - been completed. A fl urry of revision working, mastering, projecting. That’s tape recordings completed, trying out why being an alumnus and being in- every accent possible to make enzymes’ volved in gazillion different projects is mechanisms and odd bits of biochemis- the norm. Or perhaps, some of us are try sound as exciting as possible, hoping those strange species of workaholics the subconscious would absorb facts. who are actually addicted to (and might To say I hate my squeaky voice would I add in confession, get an adrenalin Keep your gowns on if you’re unemployed. Thug life be an understatement. I’ve had enough rush out of) working, projecting, and of listening to myself, and so will you hobbying (as well as opinionating). by the end of this article. With your shiny degree, you would and actually enjoy my time at Imperial. and lecturers care about you. In the real Reminiscing about revision and ex- think you know a lot, have seen a lot, In fact, I should’ve regularly gone to world, you’ll grow up fast enough. ams is fun: in hindsight you can laugh and damn the world – you’re going to Mindy Lee’s art workshops in Blythe, In a bittersweet way, graduating is a off the laws of thermodynamics on the make it through. Eventually, you mature and been more proactive on the History process in the coming of age ceremo- bathroom door, and the diagrams of and actually grow up. For real this time. of Art humanities course in the twenti- nies. Welcome to the real world, inde- molecules and mechanisms on the ceil- As you realise, there is so much to eth century liaison at UCL, as well as pendence, toughness, explorations and ing so that every morning DNA heli- learn, and not enough hours in the day communicating with fellow humans a the make-a-difference-to-the-world- case was staring at you. Biochemistry to get everything done, but despite ev- LOT more. Shyness gets you nowhere, especially-now-Mother-Teresa-is-no- was, for me, basically two years spent erything you still make time for the im- neither does awkwardness, neither does longer-with-us feeling. Don’t forget studying proteins, and one year in the portant stuff. You also learn to handle geekiness for that matter. you’re a citizen of our society - defi ne Management School, to deal with the ironing: smooth and without creases. When you start your degree, and it and make positive ripples in the pond, trauma. In retrospect, if I had to do my degree throughout it, just remember a little before you explore the ocean as a grown I graduated in 2010. Let it be simpli- all over again, I would be fearless, take fact: you’re still a baby. Focus on your up. Even if you still sleep with the light fi ed … graduation is an anti-climax. part in a lot more activities, branch out studies and appreciate that your parents on. Is the Imperial stereotype true?

o it’s two weeks in, and they all still working at 1am? Do they night before that it was a house party groups? Surely they’d all be friendless? things aren’t going as you know something you don’t? Why didn’t of an acquaintance. Everyone eats in Why is Queen’s Lawn always hum- planned. It isn’t exactly they tell you it would be so hard? Sud- the library café, not because they’re ming with chatter? Even in summer how it was sold to you. denly, you miss your mum, the dog and chained to the library, but because in term when exam timetables demand we Sure, you’ve been out even the batty old neighbour next door. the middle of South Ken, it’s a pret- are our most anti-social? Smost nights, met a million people you Relax. In two more weeks you won’t ty cheap option. See how easily that 2. He’s Einstein bright. That Keeno can’t remember, been a bit of a tour- remember this freak out. You’ll feel dreary image dissolves? Now it seems from the front row of your lectures ist and burnt a few meals. But you’ve like you’ve known your new friends Imperial really is just like any other won’t get grades any higher than yours. also missed more 9am lectures than your whole life, and won’t know how Uni. Promise. It’s just how he rolls. you made it to, piled up a mountain of you ever lived without them. The li- Sure I probably shouldn’t write 3. He’s defi nitely male. You’re not re- work, and have come to realise that you brary will become your new haunting anything disparaging about Imperial; ally reading this article then, because I Faye Hemsley are no longer one of the elite. Yes, you, ground – so many fl oors to socialise you’ve only just started and it’s intimi- can’t be from Imperial if I’m a girl, and the geek extraordinaire with a billion A on, it’s a good job it’s open twenty-four dating enough without listening to a I can’t be a girl if I’m from Imperial. levels, are average. You’ve fi nally met hours. Right now, everything is new. disillusioned third year. But I decided, Obviously. a group of like-minded people, and all You’re settling in. Hold off on that as with most things in life, that honesty Imperial-schmerial. The stereotype is it’s done is defl ate your ego. You’re just tuition fee refund request. Look just is the best policy. University is over- largely myth, but that won’t stop us all a fi sh in a very large pond, more like a a little closer, and you’ll see things whelming, but it’s also the best thing from propagating it. The truth though, lake actually, maybe the Serpentine in differently. Those people stacked in you will ever do in your life. Yes we’ve is that Imperial is up there with the best. Hyde Park now you mention it. there? They’re on Facebook; their all heard the myths about Imperial. We It’s going to work as hard for you over You’ve walked past the library (to fl at-mate forgot to call for Sky Broad- all know the stereotype. Let’s take a your lifetime as you do for it in those fi nd something to eat after you’ve band. Their faces are hopeless be- moment to look at it anyway. Imagine four short undergraduate years. It’s somehow burnt your spag bol), and cause they’re more hung-over than him: worth working hard at having fun here. noticed the pale, hopeless faces of the they ever imagined possible. It was 1. He’s painfully introverted. Then Congratulations on arriving/returning masses already stacked inside. Why are their society social last night, and the why is everyone walking around in for 2011/2012. Make it count! Women in Science, Engineering and Technology are holding a ‘Breas Come to Queen’s Lawn at 12:30 for a little (or not so little) surprise If you’re interested in doing a centrefold (clubs, groups or individua st Cancer Fundraiser and Krispy Kreme Sale’ on October 28 e! als!), email [email protected] 26 Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX Arts Editors: Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Mena ARTS [email protected] Artists descend as Regent’s Par A Saturday afternoon in the park Frieze Art Fair 101: A novice’s impressions

Indy Leclercq purpose – everyone is walking around, observing arts editors, I began wandering around. the artworks (and each other), emitting an opinion, Describing what I saw would take a catalogue, Picture the scene: Regent’s Park on a sunny Satur- taking pictures. In fact, to the layman, that is what or rather more simply, a camera. There was so day afternoon. Families are out, the squirrels are be- sets it apart from any old museum exhibition at fi rst much on display, spanning so many artistic infl u- ing pretty inquisitive and the pedal boats on the lake glance: people are snapping away at the things they ences, sub-genres and mediums of expression, that are politely bumping into each other. In the middle like, and the interest in some pieces is tangible. it would be impossible to sum it up. of it all, a sprawling white structure with a pretty The sheer size of the place gets to you after a Posters, sculptures, videos, collages…the (in) weird wooden entrance, out of which snakes a long famous boat (exemplifying “ready-made art”, queue. Next to it sits the entrance for people who al- apparently), the shadow-of-a-banana-that-is-sup- ready have tickets - little groups of stylishly dressed “I’m still not sure I ‘get’ posed-to-look-like-a-wine-bottle or even a pair of (to not use the word arty) people fi lter into the airy turntables playing random static in a loop were all white tent in pretty excited fashion. contemporary art - but “art”, and it was all for sale. Welcome to Frieze art fair. I enjoyed it a lot, though. Stepping through the I have slowly been discovering the world of con- Frieze has made me eager entrance was like entering a parallel world, where temporary art over the past couple of years, and the usual rules don’t apply. For contemporary art- trying (but generally failing) to “get” it. I thought to see more” ists, it’s all about capturing an idea, drawing at- Trouser presses and biros are not friends that going to Frieze, and seeing how the art world tention to something that is usually overlooked, or works for myself, might help the process somewhat seeing something from a different angle. This can – it would also be a chance to see the very bleeding while. Picking up a map at the entrance, it doesn’t lead to the creation of pieces that can either strike lar Catastrophe’ by Jennifer Allora and Guillermo edge in contemporary art and see what artists are up seem that big; when you realize that in an hour a strong chord with the viewer or that just seem Calzadilla a collaborative duo who represented to at the moment. If you’re still wondering what it is, you’ve only seen 5 galleries out of the 173 present- very silly. The beauty of an event on the scale of the USA at this year’s Venice biennale. A collage Frieze art fair is an annual event that brings together ing work, the fact that it’s set over four days makes Frieze is that there will almost always be a piece of broken solar cells on canvas, arranged to form a the biggest galleries and collectors in the world to sense. The fair is laid out as a series of stands (which for everyone (check out our favourites on these geometric pattern, it was very striking visually but showcase (and sell) the latest contemporary art. cover about 20 square meters on average), all num- pages). also served as a reminder that while progress has Why is it such a big deal? bered and set up in neat rows. Despite the orderli- I’m still not sure I “get” contemporary art – but been made, solar panels have been touted as a big For starters, it’s pretty big. Walking in, you get ness, it’s all a bit daunting to the neophyte. Armed Frieze has made me eager to see more. source of renewable energy for a while without an impression of bustle, and a sort of unfocused with recommendations from your ever-dependable Personally, one of my favourite pieces was ‘So- there having been that much concrete progress.

Carsten Nikolai Idris Khan at Victoria Miro Gallery

Carsten Nikolai’s work deals with the I really loved the piece by Khan at Victoria Miro. It con- underlying randomness of life, and the sisted of photographs of musical scores, which had then beauty that it can occasionally give rise to. been layered over one another to create a blurred effect. His work on grids, published in a book that Khan simulates the lives of musicians using their musical can only be described as art, is fascinating scores. For example, he created a piece in 2005, using and beautiful. Grid Index is the product of Beethoven’s sonatas, in which their layered photographs long research into the codes that rule over eventually created a wall of almost total blackness, sym- the production of grids and patterns. The bolising Beethoven’s deafness. Khan also borrows from unpredictability is what I ﬁ nd most appeal- books, as well as using his own words, to create works ing – a grid with a regular patter develops that perhaps bring different aspects of the original work areas of absolute but wonderful madness. to light. Unfortunately, there were few pieces by him at Also at Frieze was a series of works Frieze, but what was exhibited certainly made the cut. called ‘batterie random dot’, made in 2011. Glass plates with positive and negative transparent prints of entirely random That’s strange, Google Maps says this is Starbucks dots were placed on top of each other. Only some dots are visible from the top and therefore, the rest of the work remains an unsolvable mystery. Elena Bajo at D + T Project I am not entirely sure why the works of Carsten Nikolai appeal so to my aesthetic Commissioned specially for Frieze Art Fair, Elena Bajo’s piece ‘The Pervasive Element’ was carefully planned and executed to engaging tastes. Perhaps because their simplicity result. A long piece of cardboard, which was placed on the grounds of Regent’s Park during the construction of the massive tent that was is deceptive - one is ﬁ rst drawn in by the to house Freize, was picked up by the artist and rolled up. It contained the imprinted footsteps of the workers who had walked over it in elegance and perfection, and only later be- that period. In a way, ‘The Pervasive Element’ was a time capsule; it captured not only a moment in time, but also a sentiment that was gins to understand the concealed mean- certainly no longer present at Frieze by the time the VIPs rolled around. A beautifully edited and collaged newspaper detailing the installa- ing. tion was handed out to the public – a free and very special souvenir (you even had to pay for water at Frieze). FELIX Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 27 ARTS rk Friezes over

James Richards at Rodep Gallery

Amongst the inﬂ ux of Middle Eastern and Turkish galleries to Frieze Art Fair, Rodeo Gallery (Istanbul) stood out with a beautiful stand. James Richards’ work, which consisted of two wall hangings made from little rubber badg- es, each carrying the words ‘The Best Of – The Worst Of’ simultaneously and interchangeably. One of the beauties Ryaaaaaaaaan, that’s the last time I lend you my glue of modern art, of all art really, is that you can ascribe whatever meaning you want to it. I took this piece to be about the interchangeable nature of most things in life – gath- ered up neatly into two blue and yellow wall hangings.

Benetton ads before the age of colour photography

Being Earl’s body double was tiring work They thought the complete Stairway to Heaven was a bit too expensive

Cartoony drawings? Are they Art? In any case, why the hell were there so many of them?

So, I was rather surprised at the incredible abundance of what can only be described as cartoony drawings. Some are quite pretty, but most of them look identical and are thus ultimately forgettable. At Jack Hanley gallery NY for example, everything was a cartoon. There were some nice things – Chris Johansson’s line of colourfully dressed people, Simon Evans’ interpretation of the constellations… There were even small books on offer, containing the illustrations of various artists. I wanted one – they were kind of sweet – but I did not spend three pounds on them which may or may not mean something. In spite of their undeniable appeal, they only served to further the notion that those drawings were more like illustrations, which I would be happy to encounter in any novel, but which have to be truly wonderful if they are to be classed as Art.

Time ﬂ ies like an arrow; fruit ﬂ oats like a Turner Prize winner

Will Prince not disturb” sign hanging from the ent angles was about as close as the ler’s reverential posters that combined Frieze fl oor, I wouldn’t have guessed handle) to the more cynical humour art world gets to legal LSD. Slightly punchy Carmen Miranda colours with that we were waist-deep in a reces- Frieze Art Fair - the 21st century’s an- of Michael St John’s Bathroom Wall less colourful was Rashid Rana’s mo- a clean-cut, quintessentially British sion, except possibly for Michael swer to the Field of the Cloth of Gold Stall, a collage of corporate distaste saic of a busy South Asian junction design, in homage to Keith Moon, Landy’s contraption that shreds your – pitched up in Regent’s Park last and pop culture (scrawled with an made up entirely of postage stamp- Paul Gascoigne and the Happy Mon- credit cards and gives you a felt-pen week for its ninth year. Drawing gal- unintentionally Frankie Boyle-esque sized monochrome pictures of itself days, amongst others. spirograph in return. It’s a lavish spec- leries from not just the major art hubs ‘haunted pussy’), Freize touches ev- at different times of day. The notion The whole affair is something for tacle that offers the chance to bathe but from the world over, they come ery shade in the spectrum. And even of small snapshots, moments in time, the eyes to savour, much sweeter than in the works of those who will no to present the best of their wares – a beyond into the darker extreme, the building to create a deeper, inherent the sum of its parts, that stretches well doubt fi ll the art history textbooks of shopping opportunity for a (predomi- pure cynicism of Andra Ursuta’s de- story indulged the latent physicist in beyond just the installations. For the the near future. Regrettably, if you’re nantly Russian) few, for the rest of us, fl ated, semen-spattered, Crush, crip- me. moments when bouts of Stendahl’s reading this, the Frieze tent will have a chance to bask in an abundance of plingly detailed complete with wispy Taking a step back from the works kick in, the array of edible treats that been packed up for this year and the the foremost in contemporary art. pubes has a fascinating gloom that themselves, it’s intriguing to observe awaits is sure to bring even the most gallerists will back fl own off back to It’s the meeting of diverse minds makes it hard to look away from. the personalities of the different pop-up weary of gallery-trawler round (Cu- their respective corners of the globe. that makes Frieze unique. Individual If that could be described as sub- galleries, and more so the trends in taste rator Sarah McCrory on the topic of I realize it’s all very well saying this galleries bring their own eclectic col- lime, then Takeshi Murata’s psyche- between nationalities. Contributors from whether she had her eye on anything: now, but do bear Frieze in mind this lections, adding to the broader tapes- delic Popeye Zoetrope was certainly London and New York dominate and “a nice lunch at Hix”) and in the un- time next year. Whether an art-fan, an- try of the occasion. From the irrever- ridiculous. His acid-trip trompe l’oeil collectively illustrate the differences in likely event you fi nd nothing to your thropologist or occasional celeb-spot- ent humour of Elmgreen & Dragset’s of tens of Day-Glo Popeye fi gurines artistic palate either side of the pond. tastes, the people-watching justifi es ter, Frieze, like hijacking a supermar- life-like baby asleep in its cot outside spinning in a box of dimensions The Modern Institute of Glasgow the entry fee alone. ket trolley, is just one of those things a hotel room door (complete with “do that shift as you view it from differ- presented a selection of Jeremy Del- For the few hours I pounded the that all of us should do at least once. 28 Friday 21 October 2011 FELIX Arts Editors: Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Mena ARTS [email protected] Poem for the Week

29/09/11 Fabulous Fusion by Osas Omoigiade

Ohh Facebook why did you change Arrives in London Why couldn’t you remain the same Following huge success at the University of York, the It seems you’re always trying to alter your face fashion and dance project hits the London Universities Though it ends with things being out of place?

I remember your fi rst facial just last fall Will Prince metropolitan. “London Fusion fuses three different universities, that’s the one major differ- Left us feeling cheated, exposed, not pleased at Imperial is no stranger to big events; you’d ence, whereas York was just York. London’s a all have to have had your head in the sand to not lot bigger. We’re looking to book headline acts, know what East Meets West is. Now an Imperi- celebrity artists and comperes.” And now you do it again – we’re not sure who to al postgraduate hopes to bring her experiences Coinciding with London Fashion Week 2012, trust from her previous university to break the mould Fusion intends to serve a little slice of the cat- with a spectacle that goes above and beyond walk in its own unique serving style, “In York If things keep on this way, we may just turn to anything that has come before. they showcase mostly High Street fashion ...... + Led by Angela Udemba, Fusion@London stores, like Hugo Boss, Mango, River Island, hopes to bring together the best creative talent places like that. We’re still focused on show- in dance, music and fashion from universities casing student talent; most of our designers across London. Calling on students from Im- come from London College of Fashion, Central perial, Kings and UCL, it plans to combine Saint Martin’s so in that sense we’ve also in- Felix Arts is constantly looking for new poets. If you the different forms of culture to developing a volved those two universities.” want to see your work appearing here, do get in novel, holistic experience, all in aid of Cancer The grand scale of Fusion gives the perform- touch. Additionally, those interested in joining Po- Research UK. ers the opportunity to work with world-class etry Society, contact Osas, at osamudiamen.omoi- Fusion originally came into being seven artists and designers, something that fi lters [email protected] years ago at the University of York and has down to create a world-class show for the rest since gone from success to success. It was of us. “The unique structure of Fusion gives a whilst studying here that Angela fi rst came more enriching experience than university soci- across the concept and she admits that she was eties could provide on their own, stretching be- surprised to fi nd nothing comparable on her ar- yond the boundaries of their own institution,” Why pay for tickets, when you can rival to London. “When I came to Imperial and Fusion committee member and UCL student I looked to join societies I assumed there must Charlotte told Felix. “It’s a great opportunity to The farmer wants his chickens back get them for free? be something like Fusion because it’s London. expand your horizons.” I looked around and there was nothing. A lot With hip hop, belly, ballet, contemporary, lyr- Comedy night at the Hoop & Troy, South Kensington of societies have their own smaller events but ical dance, burlesque and much more, Fusion tributors. The atmosphere was dense with tin- nothing really infuses loads of other societies hopes to choreograph a spectacle that leads the gling excitement (possibly heightened by the This month Henning Wehn (radio 4 & 5live, Stewart and especially nothing integrates other univer- audience with it, keeping them in its thrall at stress of auditioning) and a buoyant optimism Lee’s comedy veichle, Edinburgh above and beyond) sities” every turn. Angela hopes that Fusion can have hung in the air that this was something only and Tez Ilyas (BBC New Act of the year fi nalist, com- And so with a spark in her eye, a little deter- a unity and continuity that has been lacking in possible in London. edy store king gong winner) headline a comedy night mination and a desire to give something back similar events, where individual clubs and so- We spoke to Azel, a student who’d recently just around the corner from your beloved Imperial to the charity that sponsors her own doctoral cieties tended to contribute scenes in a piece- joined UCL from Leicester, who told us that College! studies, Angela conceived Fusion@London. meal, disjointed manner. she doubted a similar project could take place Whilst related to its Northern cousin, Angela Felix paid a visit to the auditions earlier this anywhere else. “It defi nitely wouldn’t have promises something leaner, meaner and more week, to test the air amongst the potential con- happened in other cities. In smaller towns Next Time I’ll Sing To You universities are more insular and there’s less confl ict in London between unis.” The play that launched Michael Caine’s career in All this however does come with risks. His- 1963 is revived for the 40th birthday season. Press torically intercollegiate events have tended to night Friday 11th November. miss the bar; one needn’t think too far back to recall the phenomenal success of the ICL- KCL-Goldsmith’s joint Summer Ball last year and the black hole it created in Union fi nanc- There are many more shows, es. But the human investment that has gone into Fusion suggests this could be amongst events, concerts etc that you can the fi rst to buck the trend. Never before have students been invited to collectively create the go to for FREEEEEEE! You just event rather than pay their entry fee and prop have to write a short review for up the bar. Fusion launches later this month with them after you go. Email us to their Halloween Masquerade Ball at the contribute! Café de Paris, Piccadilly, on the October 31. £9 tickets (£12 for non-students). Go to fusionatlondon.com for more de- In the face of stricter drinking rules, the Medics had to think of alternative intiations tails. FELIX Friday 21 October 2011 29 ARTS Felix hits the Union fl oor to explore the Fusion auditions. . .

The Halloween Masquerade Ball will be so much better than your usual night out, and at that price, it’s an unmissable offer “– Hannah, Fashion Journalism, LCF

Fusion President, Angela Udemba ”

Equality in action on the Death Star One of the few photos ever taken of the Rector’s downstairs toilet

No one is taking the fashion thing I love dancing – especially Hip Hop. It’s an too seriously. So it’s more, every- opportunity to meet fantastic people. It body trying to give it a go - it’s not will deﬁ nitely succeed – everyone is really just explicitly for people that are friendly so far “fashion conscious – Jen, Law, KCL “– Ken, Civil Engineering, UCL

It’s true – swingsets just aren’t safe anymore ” ” This wouldn’t happen at Sussex. It takes a major city - otherwise people would be nowhere near as enthusiastic “– Joe, Chemistry,” Imperial Just what you wanted – a montage! If this doesn’t satisfy you, I don’t know what will 30 Friday 21 October 2011 FELIX Arts Editors: Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Mena ARTS [email protected] Poetry for the Week Shots of Art

Some T. S. Eliot for your dreary The National Gallery in a way you’ve never seen before Friday morning. You know it makes Eva Rosenthal

sense... The National Gallery opens late on Friday evenings. It is the perfect moment to visit, the rooms being relatively empty and peaceful. This is very conducive to a careful, and thus Cousin Nancy more interesting viewing of the National Gal- lery’s splendid collection. However there are Miss Nancy Ellicott few students, excepting those who focus solely Strode across the hills and broke them, on Art of course, who know how to look at a Rode across the hills and broke them— painting in order to get the most out of it. We The barren New England hills— understand little about the myths and fables What do you think Venus and Mars have just fi nished? Rose can tell you. Riding to hounds that are the subject of many paintings, less Over the cow-pasture. about technique, and even less about symbolism. Without basic knowledge, going to a gal- works of art into historical context, it was also achieve perfection of form and composition. Miss Nancy Ellicott smoked lery can become a torturous journey into a land rife with compelling, little known details. Then, Art Shots is not just a cultural activity. There And danced all the modern dances; of boredom. the tour commenced in earnest, with the group is an important social component to the eve- And her aunts were not quite sure how they felt Luckily, Art Shots is here to help. On the sec- huddled around a painting about which Rose ning. Drinks beforehand are at six, in the Na- about it, ond Friday of every month, Rose Balston leads gave an enthralling lecture. At fi rst, everyone tional Gallery café, where one can chat to Rose But they knew that it was modern. a group of approximately fi fteen people around was shy about answering the questions posed and her collaborators. Then, the tour of the one section of the National Gallery’s collec- but by the second painting, Rose had succeeded galleries is followed by dinner in either a Soho Upon the glazen shelves kept watch tion. Having lived and studied in Italy for four in drawing answers from us all. pub, or one of two private members clubs. Dis- Matthew and Waldo, guardians of the faith, years, Rose wanted to share her knowledge of The symbolism in each work of art was cussions that began during the tour are contin- The army of unalterable law. Italian art with the general public. The National heavily drawn upon, and in most cases, the ued throughout the meal. As the whole affair Gallery, with its enviable collection, was the individual was compelled to fi nd an answer begins quite early, it is perfectly possible to perfect place to start. She runs many art tours, before Rose fi nally explained in detail. This continue on to bars and clubs afterwards and catering to different levels of interest and ex- was remarkably useful, because it taught us to not miss a Friday night if one is worried by that pertise. Art Shots in particular is a tour aimed fi nd the symbols on our own, a skill which can prospect. Furthermore, the price of dinner is exclusively at young students and professionals then be practiced on any normal visit to a mu- not included in the tour price, so one can leave who perhaps do not have the time to visit museum. Symbolism is intricately related to the directly after the tour, at a very reasonable hour, Hysteria seums on a regular basis, but still want a deeper myths and legends upon which most paintings boasting about their newly acquired, slightly understanding of art. from the Renaissance are based on. The group obscure, knowledge. As she laughed I was aware of becoming involved in Rose concentrates on four or fi ve works thus became acquainted with Ancient Roman, Although the price of the tours is possibly a her laughter and being part of it, until her teeth were from a particular period, allotting time to each, Greek and religious stories, some of which are bit steep, at £20 for an hour and fi fteen minutes, only accidental stars with a talent for squad-drill. I which, on our own we probably would not. Ap- commonly known, but many of which we only they are well worth it. In order to learn quite was drawn in by short gasps, inhaled at each mo- proximately twenty minutes were dedicated have a vague idea about. There was also dis- simply, how to look at art, it is only necessary mentary recovery, lost fi nally in the dark caverns of to each painting on the tour of the Florentine cussion on the innovative techniques, which to attend once. If I returned to the National Gal- her throat, bruised by the ripple of unseen muscles. Renaissance that took place last Friday. The started and developed during the Renaissance. lery today, to the Florentine Renaissance sec- An elderly waiter with trembling hands was hurriedly tour itself commenced with a short history of It was fascinating to fi nd out for example, that tion in particular, I would without a doubt fi nd spreading a pink and white checked cloth over the Florence, as it stood just before, as well as dur- most painters of that period were also amateur myself understanding far more than before last rusty green iron table, saying: “If the lady and gen- ing the Renaissance. Not only did this place the mathematicians, who used mathematics to Friday. tleman wish to take their tea in the garden, if the lady and gentleman wish to take their tea in the garden...” I decided that if the shaking of her breasts could be stopped, some of the fragments of the afternoon might be collected, and I concentrated my attention with careful subtlety to this end. Want to get your Horne on?

Eva Rosenthal Criterion Theatre is a slightly more restrictive setting than that of the Spiegeltent, which had Alex Horne is something of a mystery to me. He’s the much more relaxed and comfortable feel of Morning at the Window little known except by regular explorers of the a comedy-club-cum-garden-party. The product is comedy circuit and yet seems to have the phone- nevertheless of the same high quality, most of the They are rattling breakfast plates in basement book of an A-list celebrity comedian. Here’s acts are worth seeing on their own merits - Tim kitchens, a man whose shows pull in the likes of Tim Minchin, Josie Long and Beardyman are all ap- And along the trampled edges of the street Minchin, Harry Hill and Jimmy Carr to name but Most people come for the ginger beard pearing in tomorrow’s show alone. I am aware of the damp souls of house- a few, and yet who himself is rarely seen on TV Starting late in central London, the Horne Sec- maids or heard on radio. But if there were any question tion puts a nice icing on the cake of a Saturday Sprouting despondently at area gates. marks hanging over his comic credentials, his in the opening moments, asking for a rhythm, night, allowing punters to grease their own funny Section does more than answer them. key and two well known tunes, before seamlessly bones before they get tickled at the Criterion, The brown waves of fog toss up to me The Horne Section is a musical mash-up caba- melding it all together in a fl urry of musical tal- and how. Little compares to the Horne Section Twisted faces from the bottom of the street, ret extraordinaire, where maestro Alex Horne ent. and anything that does falls a long way short And tear from a passer-by with muddy skirts invites comedians and other entertainers alike to With a loose structure around proceedings, of this paradoxically polished yet spontaneous An aimless smile that hovers in the air work their art with the able, and optional, assis- the Horne Section guarantees to throw up some- production. And vanishes along the level of the roofs. tance of his several-piece band. Never fl ustered thing unique, in the main due to its invitational The Horne Section runs every Saturday by the spontaneous suggestions of the audience, bill. Fresh from a stint on the Edinburgh Fringe, at the Criterion on Piccadilly until Novem- they fl ex their embrasures and plectrum-fi ngers where the show was one of the most lauded, the ber 26 FELIX MUSIC NIGHTS PRESENT KABLAAM THE HOTTEST IMPERIAL BANDS AND DJS PLUS ONE EPIC HEADLINER FROM THE LONDON MUSIC SCENE

SATURDAY 12TH NOVEMBER LINEUP TBA METRIC IN ASSOCIATION WITH JAZZ & ROCK AND MUSIC TECH 32 Friday 21 October 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected] Kadhim’s totally hot album of the week Slow Club They have the gall Paradise 2011 Tim Arbabzadah welcomes you to Tally Hall...

ally Hall is a slightly quirky fi ve- piece band, named after a shopping arcade in Michigan, with the fi nal line-up was completed while they were studying at the University When it comes to Twitter, musicians usually have one ofT Michigan. It consists of Rob Cantor (guitar, of two personalities: yellow tie), Joe Hawley (guitar, red tie), Zubin Sedghi (bass, blue tie), Andrew Horowitz (keys, 1) No personality – SINGLE OUT NOW!!! *yawn* green tie) and Ross Federman (drums, grey tie) 2) Uber-kick-ass insight into their awesome psyche – with them swapping around vocal duties, and “DEAR LORD RYAN GOSLING GET ON MY FACE”. occasionally doing some excellent vocal harmonies. About the whole tie colour thing, basi- Slow Club’s Rebecca Taylor falls into the later catego- cally, when on stage, they always wear match- ry (indeed, the second example is one of her tweets). ing shirts and trousers (recently with a dapper Her Twitter account is a massive middle fi nger to the waistcoat) and a tie of the colour listed. twee image that their fi rst album constructed. Without Their debut album Marvin’s Marvelous Me- turning this review into a convoluted love letter to her, chanical Museum, named after a museum in there is a girl you’d want to hang out with more than the real life Tally Hall, was an incredibly solid one who tweets: “Why isn’t my bbm working I’m trying offering – if you ask me, every song is good. to send a picture of my dick (shaped bruise) to my There really aren’t any duds or, even worse, the friend Stacey this is an OUTRAGE” dreaded “album fi ller tracks”. You know the Slow Club’s second album, Paradise, is less a ones I mean, the songs that couldn’t be blander Someone put the crayons in the wash with the ties ‘middle fi nger’ and more a ‘slightly cheeky two-fi n- if they tried; usually, the name is even some- gered salute’ to their aforementioned twee image. thing dull and instantly forgettable. Thankfully, Bandmate Charles Watson has been relegated to there’s none of that irritation on Marvin’s. This is ‘indy’ style, ‘Greener’ is a song about a failing ed songs; the enjoyment and personalities just guitar and backing vocals, and while they still write possibly because they are songs that have been relationship and envy. Okay, I know, but it’s not don’t quite ooze out in the sound. Perhaps, be- upbeat indie-folk love songs, there’s more texture, honed, perfected, recorded and re-recorded over as emo as that sounds; and even if it is, the lyrics cause I had looked up videos of them perform- complexity, and humanity. If their fi rst album is a a number of years. It may sound obvious, but are good enough to not be lame or cringey. ing the songs live before the release, the album sweet stickman drawing, their second is more like to me the difference between the demo versions On the more off-the-wall side there is ‘Wel- felt dated by the time I heard it. Good and Evil the dense palette that adorns its album cover. and the album versions shows what an expen- come to Tally Hall’, a song introducing the is still littered with top-notch songs, right from Underpinning all of this is Rebecca Taylor. The same sive, professional studio does to the sound. band. It’s not just an oddity that’s only good the start in fact. ‘Never Meant To Know’ is a girl who tweets, “100 PINTS OF WINE PLEASE BAR In terms of genre, the songs on Marvin’s are once, it’s a legitimately great song in it’s own dreamy song that’s also my mantra around revi- KEEP”, also writes beautiful phrases like “A chauffeur- really a mixed bag. The band themselves de- right. The part where they introduce each mem- sion time. ‘Cannibal’, ‘Misery Fell’ and ‘You’ driven dream” and sings them with the sensitivity of scribed the sound as “wonky rock”, due to the ber, his instrument and tie colour is a classic all deserve a mention. The later being the al- a neutrino detector (Zing!) . Which makes her pretty often comical, upbeat lyrical style and music. verse. Then there’s the line “I might rap like an most solo piano offering from Andrew, a great awesome in my books. Oh dear, I’ve turned this review They manage to write light-hearted songs that English chap” rapped, in an attempted upper- geeky love song – something we can all relate into a convoluted love letter after all. are both enjoyable musically and lyrically, class English accent. to. Pushed to choose a favourite track from the while maintaining enough credibility for you to The band’s second studio album is Good album, I’d say ‘Turn the Lights Off’. If you get bored this weekend, drink 100 pints of wine take the heavier songs seriously. It’s diffi cult for and Evil and was released earlier this year on To sum up, Tally Hall is an amazing band and tweet me from the hospital @kadhimshubber. me to pick out favourites, as I love them all, so Quack! Media. First off, it’s defi nitely a more with two great albums. If you poke about on Better still, photoshop a picture of Ryan Gosling sitting I’ll try to choose a range of styles. mature album. There’s much less wackiness in YouTube you can also fi nd some great hid- on Taylor’s face and tweet her @SLOWCLUBREBECCA. ‘Just Apathy’, a prize-winning song (literal- the songs, which I guess has its merits. It defi - den gems, including their comedy skits. ‘Just ly), is brilliantly arranged: starting off as a quiet nitely feels like they set out to make an album A Friend’, a cover of the Biz Markie song, is piano ballad and building up, before returning with an underlying theme, rather than just a col- a fan favourite. Joe shows off his beatboxing Be sure not to miss... to the piano at the very end. ‘Two Wuv’, the lection of songs. skills, while Zubin practices his soul singing catchy song about their love for the Olsen twins, It’s a great album, but there is something voice – that he later uses for ‘To Be With You’. Flying Lotus & AntiVJ includes some lovely harmonies at the end. missing that was present on Marvin’s: the sense Check them out, and thank me later, as I have The Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Staying with the theme of more recognizable of fun; the mix of serious songs and light-heart- had to miss out a lot. Saturday 22, October

Coltrane nephew, Brainfeeder honcho and seasoned beatsmith Flying Lotus has been conspiring with audio- visual masterminds AntiVJ for a special three-of-a-kind Piano drops in Iceland spectacular to be performed exclusively in Los Angeles, Paris and London town. Following his tour for astral jazz masterpiece, Cosmogramma, last year – the envelope Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Crackles seep through the aural blanket, dust threat of electrocution a constant haunt. can now only fall off the cliff. Blending the mind bending piercing the atmosphere (“In the Fog II”). You Dust rises from the fl oor, unable to rest, vi- beats of hip-hop so severely extrapolated with the reti- Tim Hecker’s latest outpouring, Ravedeath, hear pipes shedding particles of oxidised metal, brating to the tune the pipes. Floating back nal manipulations of the most innovative live visual col- 1972, wraps around the billows of an organ bellowing upwards with a gust of sound. The down as the singing subdues (“No Drums”), lective around, Saturday’s show is bound to rearrange in a church in Reykjavik. Sampled and recon- room can’t fi t it all. It begs to come out (“The a fi rm hand, exhausted, releasing its grip. A more than a few synaptic connections in the audience. fi gured, casting a brume of disbelief, its song Piano Drop”). It wouldn’t be hard to imagine neurotic memory surfaces from the id (“Ha- Imagine what the Amazon would sound like in the dead is suspended like a gasp in deep sleep. The the stained glass of the church bending to ac- tred of Music I”). The abrasive recollection of night after our planet’s orbit had fallen into a strange sounds disintegrate like a snowball melting in commodate the volume, the space beckoned unleashing a fl urry of mistaken opinions and attractor and try asking the birds for their opinion. Kut- your hand. Each remaining echo slipping down for increasingly insuffi cient. Perhaps a hairline failed approaches. An ominous perspective of mah and Martyn to blow out the after party. a liquefi ed trace collecting on the underside. crack appearing here and there, but careful to introversion takes hold, ruminant (“In the Air Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto The organ huffi ng a mounting pressure like maintain the splendour of the coloured salts; I”). auroral emissions dispersing into the fi rmament. bending slivers of light like an eel in water, the The air halts. A cloud drops. FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 33 MUSIC Punk Planet by Can you keep a Secret? Douglas Heaven Daniel Oppeheimer is critical of the Secret Garden Party This week: Refused

ecret Garden Party is an uncon- ventional festival, slicker or slack- er than your average depending on preference. While the music policy is slightly questionable, it’s diffi - cultS to not be drawn in by the festival’s Won- derland-like aesthetic. Set around a lake in the Cambridgeshire countryside, the festival area is decorated with enchanting lights and quirky sculptures. There are a lot of spots that lend themselves to simply lying down and chilling out. There’s also an There’s nothing more hardcore punk than having a impressive selection of “stuff” to wander in and creed to live by. The straight-edge subculture – an out of, ranging from theatrical performances to abstention from drugs, promiscuous sex, and often mud wrestling to mini science fairs. Been spending Friday nights, living in a hipster’s paradise hair – was a creed of sorts, inspired by the anti- The festival harbours an ambiance of mel- hedonistic stance of 1980s bands such as Minor lowed permissiveness, not quite as all con- Threat, and many bands have adopted the stance suming as the organisers’ crackpot ramblings this itself wasn’t an issue; in fact it’s very re- cus Nasty. Besides this, the general trend was of political revolutionaries. would have you imagine, but certainly more freshing to go to a festival where there’s no middle-of-the-road indie-folk by day, distinctly But Refused (1991-1998), a hardcore punk band so than other festivals. Seemingly insignifi - pressure to see a performance. However, rather inaccessible techno by night. from Sweden, wrote manifestos. A typical liner note cant additions like being able to swim in the than ‘up and coming’ many of the artists were In short, going to Secret Garden Party is like proclaims “the art produced by Refused is a weap- lake without the bother of some abrasive safety more ‘down and going’. The ‘big’ names that ordering a Sunday roast and only being served on in the service of the struggle and an inseparable warning make this all the more noticeable. did perform – Blondie and Alabama 3 – man- the trimmings. It’s good fun - but come next part of it”. Fittingly, for the unrushed dynamic, the mu- aged decent sets despite poor sound quality on year if you can fi nd a picturesque lake that Their fi nal press release, announcing their split, sical acts this year weren’t the type to get you the main stage. A few favourites put on a great doesn’t cost £160 to hang around for a week- begins: “Just like the political theorists and philoso- frantically arranging meeting times. Of course show: XXXY, Mosca, Dark Sky and Mar- end, go with that. phers...we also managed with a sort of self-fulfi lling prophecy. A manifestation of an idea to a concrete action”. But they believed in their own pretensions, they backed every word of their cod-theoretical cant with an intensity of songwriting and performance that made you believe it too. Refused started out on This Just Might Be The Kina Grannis in London Truth (1994) as a good European version of The Na- tion of Ulysses. Like their American counterparts, theirs was a punk that had roots in the protest song: Mimi Li Songs to Fan the Flames of Discontent (1996) which took its name from a 1909 songbook from the In- Kina Grannis is a California-based American dustrial Workers of the World. singer-songwriter and YouTube sensation. She But it is for The Shape of Punk to Come (1998) that began performing to her stuffed animals from they truly matter. A few years ago Kerrang! ranked the age of four, before progressing to her video this album at #13 on their “50 Most Infl uential Al- camera, and fi nally to people. This month, she is bums of All Time”. Yeah, who cares about Kerrang! on the European leg of her world tour. She also and who cares about lists? Few people noticed The plans on touring Southeast Asia and Australia Shape of Punk to Come when it came out – it lives later in the year. instead, as it’s title proclaimed it would, in the hard- In 2008, she won the ‘Doritos Crash the Super core scene of today. Bowl’ contest, and signed onto Interscope Re- Refused songs are full of complex rhythms and cords. A year later, she left the record label in stomach-lurching dynamics. In The Shape of Punk to order to pursue her musical vision as an inde- Come they also play around with electronica and jazz pendent artist. Her new album, Stairwells, was and the kind of studio production that normally kills released in April of this year. The album name is a band of this persuasion. Here it’s done so artfully, a reference to her college days, when she often fi tted so well to the songs, and without loss of inten- sat in secluded stairwells to make music. Kina sity, that it lifts this record atmospheres above the describes her style as a happy medium between angry, shouty street-punk kids they’d grown from. pop, folk and indie. Her elegant vocals and the But most importantly, Refused could write pop unique charm she brings to her music set her Ah man, that was dog’s mess that I just stepped in. I just got these boots, time to hooks worthy of ABBA. Take ‘Summer Holidays vs apart from other guitar-playing singer-songwrit- turn to the Fashion page... AGAIN Punk Routine’ from their last album: sandwiched be- ers. tween churning guitars, you’re hit by a euphoric rush She recently played her fi rst London show to a more uplifting than anything you’ll fi nd in Ibiza. sold-out audience at the Monto Water Rats. The Me’, the fi rst track on Stairwells, and a fi tting Kina fi nished the show with her audience Refused broke up in 1998, bitter, disenchanted, venue was small and intimate – perfect for her fi rst song to play on her London debut. In be- singing along to the excellent ‘Message From and tired. True to their grounded roots, they played solo acoustic guitar set. The opening act was fel- tween jokes, anecdotes and guitar-tuning, she Your Heart’, the song that won her the Super their last show in the basement of a friend’s house. low YouTuber Imaginary Friend, whose haunt- played fan favourites, such as ‘Valentine’, ‘The Bowl contest. She ended the evening with a When the police raided the party and shut the band ing vocals and simple guitar accompaniment One You Say Goodnight To’ and ‘Cambridge’. meet and greet for her kinerds, many of them down, they saw it as a liberation. were well-received. The audience was also treated to interesting walking away clutching several signed copies of Kina’s performance began with her walking renditions of ‘Oops I Did it Again’ and Coo- Stairwells. A few mp3s can downloaded from www.burningheart. barefoot onstage to cheers and applause from lio’s ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’, the latter of which Kina Grannis returns to London later this com/refused/index.html but you should buy The her fans (or, as she affectionately calls them, her involved certain amounts of rapping (a slightly month to play the last show on her European Shape of Punk to Come immediately. ‘kinerds’). She opened with ‘World in Front of surreal experience). tour before fl ying back to America. 34 Friday 21 October 2011 FELIX Television Editors: Matt Allinson James Simpson TELEVISION [email protected] Pick of the week Educating Essex ‘not as bad as it sounds’ Fly-on-the-wall documentary shows true colours of the state system

Maciej Matuszewski

It being less than four years since I left secondary education, I was very interested in watching ‘Educating Essex’— Channel 4’s documentary set in Passmores School, an ordinary secondary in Essex. I am happy to say that I was hooked as soon as I tuned in. The fl y-on-the-wall nature of the programme Cannye geet me a wee drinkeh laad? – Rab C means that you really get a feel for what the school is like. The show stays impartial at all Friday | 1945 - 2030 | BBC3 times: you see both the good and the bad and you Merlin aren’t distracted by hasty conclusions or incessant Magical drama. Get high before watching (look, we moralising by the producers. There is a real sense don’t actually condone this, alright? – Ed). that we are seeing what Passmores is really like. Each episode focuses on only one or two groups Essex girls - can’t beat ‘em can you? Pity. (Thin ice, right there – Ed.) Saturday | 2100 - 2330 | Channel 4 of pupils which allows their stories to be exam- The Hurt Locker ined in full. Diffi cult issues aren’t shied away behaviour and quality of schoolwork has dramati- the staff do everything they can to achieve this Oscar-winning thriller following a bomb disposal from — with, amongst other problems, teenage cally deteriorated since his parents separated. His and it’s uplifting to see when they succeed. team in Iraq. pregnancy and bullying being explored. Even the heartfelt conversations with his favourite teacher, In the fi rst episode Mr Drew tells a pupil that most troublesome and disruptive pupils aren’t Miss Conway, were a particular highlight. she “will never, ever come up against people who Sunday | 2100 - 2200 | Channel 4 demonised. Care is taken to show both sides of The stars of ‘Educating Essex’, however, are are as calm and patient as we are, for the rest of The Secret Millionaire the story and commentary from both pupils and clearly the teachers. The programme’s master- your life”. With all that he has to put up with, all A millionaire entrepreneur spends a week living staff shows how the current situation developed. stroke is not just restricting their screentime to in- the while remaining calm and focused on his duty undercover in one of Edinburgh’s shitholes look- Particularly poignant is the case of Vinnie, whose teractions with pupils. You get to see banter in the of care, you can certainly believe him. This pro- ing for charities worthy of his donations. school offi ce; senior staff messing around at their gramme is the perfect antidote to all the newspa- regular meetings and the head teacher, Mr God- per scare stories about the collapse of the educa- Monday | 2100 - 2200 | BBC1 “The perfect antidote to dard, jumping out from behind a door to scare his tion system. If even a few schools work as hard Young Apprentice deputy, Mr Drew. You get to see that these are real as this for their pupils I think that we’re going to Britain’s most obnoxious sixteen-year-olds make newspaper scare stories people and this leads you to care for them. This is be alright. mummy and daddy proud whilst making the rest of certainly helped by their clear desire to help their This is inspiring, well above average television. us feel physically sick. about the collapse of the pupils. As Mr Goddard says, the school’s aim is I strongly urge you all to watch the remaining that “nobody leaves without enough qualifi ca- episodes and catch up on what you might have Tuesday | 2100 - 2200 | BBC2 education system” tions for the next step in their lives”. It’s clear that missed online. Code Breakers: Bletchley Park’s Lost Heroes Keeley Hawes (phwoaaar, I would) narrates the story of two forgotten codebreakers whos work led to several major breakthroughs during WWII. Wednesday | 2200 - 2230 | BBC2 Dexter is my ‘favourite’ psychotic serial killer Rab C. Nesbitt Outrageous Scottish sitcom that will make you George Barnett turns his pen to a less provocative subject laugh, laugh more, and then recoil in disgust.

Thursday | 2100 - 2200 | BBC1 eff Lindsay’s book ‘Darkly gin to reveal why he is as he is; why he ens, the killer leaves clues for Dexter, to Hidden Dreaming Dexter’ (which I’m carries his so called “dark passenger”; lure him in and to ‘play’ with him. The The last in the series. Philip Glenister is a MAS- told is very good) is the basis his homicidal inner voice, if you like. challenge is unduly accepted by our fa- SIVE LAD. for Showtime’s multi award This alter ego is put to good use when vourite serial killer with some gripping winning program Dexter. The challenged by the “ice-truck killer” - consequences. Jprotagonist, who gives the show its an unknown assailant who captures his Dexter manages to be captivating, name, is cunning, brutal and funny. victims (all prostitutes), mutilates them mysterious, sad and brutally dark at the Jeremy of the week By day he’s a blood spatter analyst for and then leaves them literally bloodless same time. It’s defi nitely worth watch- Miami Metro Police Department. By for the police to fi nd. As the plot thick- ing. night, a serial killer. What sets Dexter apart from other protagonists is that he’s a normal human - he makes mistakes: he’s no Jack Bauer or Michael Schofi eld (24 and Prison Break, respectively). We are fi rst introduced to our lead as he gives a sinister sounding mono- logue backed by equally chilling music (written by Daniel Licht) whilst driving through the night towards his fi rst victim. The viewers are immediately informed that Dexter is a killer fi rst and foremost; demonstrated only a few min- We’re still utes later where we see him beginning looking for new to clinically cut up his prey. (Nice try, give it another month or so – Ed.) As the fi rst season develops we learn writers - email more about Dexter and the writers be- [email protected] Dexter, smug and blood-splattered - we’ve all been there FELIX Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 35 Film Editors: J o h n P a r k Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] FILM “Who can spy on the spies?” Top 15 UK Box Offi ce Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Director Tomas Alfredson Screenwriters Bridget O’Connor, Peter Straughan Cast Gary Oldman, John Hurt, Colin Firth Lucy Wiles

After a summer of upbeat comedy in 1) Johnny English the cinemas (with fi lms like The Inbe- Reborn (PG – Rowan tweeners Movie and The Hangover Part Atkinson, Rosamund II), this wonderfully stark adaptation of Pike, Dominic West John le Carré’s best-selling novel gives a glimpse into the murky spy game of 2) The Lion King 3D (U the 1970s, portrayed by an outstanding – Jeremy Irons, Matthew cast. Broderick) Gary Oldman falls beautifully into the role of inappropriately named ex- 3) The Three Muske- MI6 agent George Smiley, a man of teers (12A – Matthew high morals and patriotism, who, after Macfadyen, Milla Jovov- a fall from grace, has been reinstated to ich, Luke Evans) identify a Soviet mole hidden in the upper echelons of the British Secret Ser- 4) Real Steel (12A – vice. MI6 chief ‘Control’ (John Hurt) Hugh Jackman, Evange- managed to narrow the search for the line Lilly) infi ltrator down to a shortlist of suspects before his own untimely sacking: Percy Where the hell’s Johnny English when you need him? 5) Tinker Tailor Soldier Alleline (Toby Jones), who takes over Spy (15 – Gary Oldman, the top job after the dismissal of Con- John Hurt, Colin Firth) trol; Bill Haydon (Colin Firth), a player The plot twists slyly as we follow Smi- is captured effectively which, along some of the best of British actors, who who slept with Smiley’s wife; Direc- ley’s investigation, and catch fl eeting with the conversations being fi lmed as all seem to be at the peak of their game. 6) Footloose (12A – tor of Operations Roy Bland (Ciaràn glimpses of the shadowy past through though the viewer is eavesdropping, The only fl aw in this fi lm is that the Kerry Wormald, Julianne Hinds); and skillful double-bluffer his fl ashbacks. adds to the uncomfortable air of secrecy whistle is blown too soon. For a few Hough) Toby Estherhase (David Dencik). One Director Tomas Alfredson (best and lies felt throughout the fi lm. Hats quick-witted, spy-minded types, the is guilty of passing secrets to the Rus- known internationally for directing the off to Casting Director Jina Jay – the guilty party can be sussed out well be- 7) Dolphin Tale (U – sians – Smiley must root out the spy to 2008 vampire fi lm Let The Right One outstanding cast were chosen perfectly, fore Smiley catches up; however this Harry Connick Jr., Ashley save the reputation of the Service be- In) carefully extracts his adaptation and the list alone gives some idea as to doesn’t really seem to matter – this Judd) fore too many vital secrets are leaked. from the intricately detailed original the quality of the acting. Oldman por- fi lm is more about the journey than the He is assisted in his search for the mole novel to produce a bleak, beige, suf- trays the taciturn Smiley brilliantly, destination. The story is teeming with 8) Midnight in Paris by junior MI6 offi cial Peter Guillam focatingly male-dominated world into bringing danger and anger to the char- tension, secrecy and twists, but while (12A - Owen Wilson, (Benedict Cumberbatch), former Head which the viewer is drawn – a far cry acter that wasn’t seen in the original there’s not a lot of laughing to be done, Rachel McAdams) of Personnel Connie Sachs (Kathy from the usual glamour of our James adaptation when Alec Guinness played and its pace and tricky plot will not be Burke), and Ricky Tarr (Tom Hardy), Bond-esque spies. The superfi cial, the role. He is backed up, of course, by for everyone, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 9) Don’t Be Afraid of a fellow agent with his own agenda. back-stabbing nature of offi ce politics a fantastic supporting cast including still comes highly recommended. the Dark (15 – Bailee Madison, Katie Holmes) 10) Drive (18 – Ryan Love a good sci-fi (who doesn’t)? We want to hear from you! Gosling, Carey Mulligan) Want to put the fan back in fantasy? Send us your articles to: 11) Crazy, Stupid, Love (12A – Steve Carell, Juli- Thrilled by thrillers? fi [email protected] anne Moore) 12) Abduction (12A – Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins) Paris, Je T’Aime – Woody Allen style 13) The Inbetween- ers Movie (15 – James Buckley, Blake Harrison) Midnight in Paris Midnight in Paris is a warm, nos- ous car one night, with its passengers desire for a better life, are the challeng- talgic trip around the beautiful city, urging Gil to come and join them. De- es Gil faces when he sees something so 14) The Debt (15 – Director Woody Allen with Allen taking a more casual ap- ciding to go along for the ride, he fi nds glamorous. But Allen is here to assure Sam Worthington, Helen Screenwriter Woody Allen Mirren) Cast Owen Wilson, Rachel proach to telling his original story. himself socialising with the literary us that it’s not really all that bad; if we McAdams Wilson plays Gil, a Hollywood scrip- legends of the 1920s Lost Generation stick with it and have patience. writer whose true passion lies in writ- (Hemingway, Stein) who he has ad- Allen has his ups and downs, but this 15) The Smurfs (U – John Park ing a novel. Whilst constantly mocked mired throughout his entire life. is one of his more moving pieces of Hank Azaria, Neil Patrick by his fi ancée (McAdams), he fi nds The illusion the past creates, how we work in recent years. It is a humble of- Harris) Another year means another Woody true happiness by wandering around the are never wholly satisfi ed with where fering, yet remains just as effective and Allen fi lm – this time shot in Paris. French city. He stumbles on a mysteri- we are at the moment, and our constant touching. 36 Friday 21 OcTOBER 2011 FELIX

Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] DLC – To pay, or not to pay? Microtransactions and DLC: a bright idea or a big mistake? Laurence Pope decides

o, a little over a week ago Valve brought in a pool full of broken glass’. It almost fully de- cant impact in battles. It’s by no means perfect, but purchase the DLC or not.’ This paper thin rationale/ out a fairly large update for their fl ag- pends upon how it’s implemented. Not fully? No. Gabe Newell and the TF2 team have yet to go down dirty lie cut little ice with the rightly put-out gaming ship game Team Fortress 2. So what? Quite possibly I’m nostalgic about the times when the Bobby Kotick route. community. You do not do DLC like this. Ignoring the fact that TF2 is now over you bought a game and you got everything in one To give Valve extra credit, not all the money they But, for this to be a marginally balanced argument four years old and still receiving congo, and now, paying extra for content that should earn stays with them. Valve introduced a scheme alone has to look on the other side of the fence. You tentS updates which it celebrated this time last year have come with the product in the fi rst darn place? lowing modellers and mappers to submit their weap- need to worm into the heads of the game developers when microtransactions were fi rst introduced into ons, cosmetic items and maps to them. The best ones and see it from their point of view. DLC and micro- the game - the MANN-conomy Update (I’m not get implemented into the game, and 25% of the pro- transactions allow developers to create new maps, making this up). Amongst other things the update “The answer is far from a ceeds go to their creators. Big bucks can and have weapons, campaigns, or what have you, without allowed players to purchase in-game weapons and been made – after one update, one creator received needing to initiate a long and expensive game devel- purely cosmetic add-ons for the nine classes with simple yes or no - it almost a cheque for – wait for it – $47,000. If that’s not re- opment cycle. It’s cheaper to make compared to a full real-world cash. The update was initially received warding one’s fans, I don’t know what is. game, and they make a fair amount of money from it. with mixed reviews – ‘buying your way to victory’ fully depends on how it’s Now that’s enough about a half-decent way to TF2’s store does so well that Valve was able to make and ‘Valve’s sold us out’ were two of the many implement DLC and micro transactions. The im- TF2 free to play and still pump out profi table updates. complaints angry fans put forward, whilst oth- implemented” mediate case that springs to mind regarding a poor One does need to remember that game companies ers maintained that nothing was on sale (at least, (read: disgusting) way to do DLC is neatly illustrated are, at the end of the day, businesses out to make mon- game-changing wise) that couldn’t be found by by Bioshock 2. The problem? After the fi rst ‘DLC ey. That’s what a business does, and from this point of penniless schmucks. One year on, and everything’s Hmm. download’ was released, it was discovered that the view DLC and microtransactions are simply a logical (mostly) settled down. In all fairness Valve has managed to implement mi- content delivered had actually been on the disc the step forward. Fans will buy new content, helping to crotransactions and distribute DLC in the best way fi ll the coffers of the afforementioned companies. possible. Most of their products (TF2, L4D1 and 2, But is it the best way forward? To commit the argu- Portal 2) have and continue to receive free large up- ment of moderation, everything needs to be balanced. dates that throw in a lot of extra content: extra maps DLC and microtransactions can enrich a game, pro- and campaigns for the L4D series; new challenges vided they’re fairly priced and offer suffi cient con- for Portal 2; and new weapons for TF2 – the sort of tent. On the other hand, it’s no substitute for new stuff most other game companies would charge for. games; too much DLC stifl es creativity. Overuse has To date, only TF2 and Portal 2 feature micro transac- the potential to make comapnies lazy, wallowing in tions, though the Portal 2 ‘store’ fl opped rather miser- old products to earn them money. Like technology, ably. 2K’s DLC disaster - how NOT to treat your games need to keep inovating and testing new things The TF2 ‘store’ was implemented remarkably well, customers out. Four years old and still going strong however. All weapons and most cosmetic items are Valve has shown that innovation, DLC and micro- fi ndable in-game through a random drop system, transactions can walk hand in hand. They are able to craftable through another menu, and there’s even an whole time. The DLC download was not content – it offer huge content packs for free, which in turn en- For me, this raised a question – are microtrans- in-game trading/ bartering system so technically one was a key. You had already bought the extra content dears them to their customers, keeping them loyal – actions and, alongside them, DLC (Download- doesn’t have to use the store to gain an advantage. In 2K were charging you for. and keeping them buying. But I’ll be honest here; as able Content) a good or a bad thing for gaming practice though weapons are a little harder to come Later, 2K Games commented on the locked con- I said at the start, I’ll never fully come round to as a whole? The answer is far from a simple ‘Yes, by, but the point still stands – no money has to be tent, claiming it was ‘necessary to maintain consis- the idea of paying extra for something that really it’s the perfect next step’ or ‘No, I’d rather jump spent in order to fi nd everything that has any signifi - tency between all players regardless of whether they should have come with the initial product. Gaming in Reverse – Because old gold is the best gold

Omar Hafeez-Bore tasy XII was richly drawn with subtle texture work, being written in pixels and read in the mind – and gaming’s equivalent of painterly brush strokes, Fi- it’s all the better for it. Welcome to Gaming in Reverse, where every week nal Fantasy IX instead celebrates fi ne art itself with In fact, pretty much all of it is. For all these the- we use The Power of Writing to reverse time on a gorgeous, hand-painted backdrops. It simply boy- atrical, literary, and visual delights FF IX is still a game series or remake. We’re fl ipping history to cotts the loss that comes when concept art is trans- great game with secret items to be discovered and pretend the newest games are the oldest games! lated into polygons. tense battles to be fought. By stripping away the Can we prove that older is actually sometimes bet- And yet they’ve lost none of the drama. Despite modern gleam and glitz Squaresoft (as it is now ter? fears that the rigid hand-drawn backdrops would called) has made a world that feels lived-in, a story ure, to reach an ultimate Final Fantasy that would take away from the trademark fl amboyance of Fi- that feels crafted and characters that feel cared for. live up to the name. nal Fantasy’s story scenes, the whole adventure is It is a wonderful tale, one that, if something cata- Final Fantasy: Because IX If its fourth sequel Final Fantasy IX is anything instead given the air of a performance. Plot now clysmic should happen, we’d even be content to to go by, then it will be an easy triumph. By taking unfolds on fi xed sets, and without the luxury of call our last taste of the series. is obviously the best one daring risks with the stagnant JRPG formula, the dynamic angles and motion-blur zooms, the bur- This would be a worthy Final Fantasy. creators have proved themselves to be heroes wor- den of entertainment is left to well-written dialogue We thought it was crazy when Square Enix swag- thy of their self-imposed quest. and charmingly theatrical movements. Final Fan- gered into the crowded ring of Japanese RPGs with Fans will remember that where Final Fantasy XIII tasy X’s blunders, voice-acting as a whole having If you have an idea for a Gaming in its debut entry Final Fantasy XIII. With one beau- had a glossy sheen of High-Defi nition polish, Final been completely excised, deemed unfi t for the job Reverse or any games article for that tiful but fl awed game it had thrown the gauntlet Fantasy XII instead revelled in its matte textures of carrying this magical adventure is completely matter, then get in touch! We don’t bite! down at its own feet, challenging itself to make 12 and an earthy look that suited its world so well. scrapped. In its place is witty, and sometimes touch- semi-sequels, through commercial success or fail- But we hadn’t seen anything yet. Sure, Final Fan- ing, on-screen dialogue that is a simple delight for [email protected] FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 37 Fashion Editors: Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang [email protected] FASHION A Designer Horcrux Federica Amato and Saskia Verhagen discuss the curse of the designer handbag

hich girl, provided erence to the latest overdraft-busting handbag, do we lose some sense of our- she has already sat- Prada Saffi ano tote still yields the inevi- selves? If so, something’s going wrong. isfi ed all primary table questions from parents, boyfriends I realised my demise when, strolling concerns (food, and most unfortunately, jealous friends. down the fashionable Boulevard de la water, shelter etc.) Do they not serve an equal purpose? Croisette in Cannes, rather than check- doesn’tW dream of a clothing collection on No, alas, the answer delves much deep- ing out some bronzed Adonis sunning the scale of, say, Blair Waldorf or Car- er than the mere fabric from which our himself on his yacht, I found myself rie Bradshaw? And within those ladies’ bags are made. eyeing up the arm-candy the most styl- swoon-inducing wardrobes, which does The bags we carry are a sign of status, ish women of Cannes were toting. The not contain their essential Louis Vuitton and a great bag is a marker of fashion thought of the fabulously assured way Neverfull (or equivalent – Chanel 2.55, kudos and respect. “Respect for what?” one woman carried herself would never Céline Luggage, Fendi Baguette… The I hear all you doubters cry. And here’s leave me until I might be able to buy list goes on) in which they tote the latest the ugly truth, ladies: respect for your- that kind of fabulosity in the form of issue of Vogue, make-up, Blackberry, self. Was J.K. Rowling right about Hor- her gorgeous vintage Louis Vuitton Epi Smythson diary and discreetly packed cruxes, the vessels Voldemort chose as Saint Jacques. And the fashion merry- sanitary products and prophylactics? In meaningful objects in his life in which go-round turns around again. And it other words, a girl’s bag is never simply to keep fragments of his soul? Is the de- will carry on turning for all you fashion a practical object; a mere container. It’s signer handbag a modern-day woman’s freaks like me, unless we set ourselves like the greatest personal assistant you equivalent to a Horcrux – a lifeless ob- a drastic (but affordable) quota, for we could imagine, an ever-present silent ject which we (unknowingly) perfuse must not let our plastic/leather/pleather character in a girl’s life that knows you with the very essence of ourselves? ‘frenemies’ eat away at what remains of and your habits so reliably that it is im- And, having chosen as our vessel a bag our fashion-infested souls. possible to live without. It’s your best whose assault on our Visa/Mastercard Maybe remind me again of this reso- friend, a scandalous lover, your secret bill is somewhere on par with a Crucia- lution the next time Phoebe Philo cre- accomplice. tus curse, have we not sold a fragment ates another drool-worthy Cèline tote. And yet, when pitted against a lowly of our soul to the fashion industry? At least my soul will have somewhere Primark pleather atrocity, a girl’s pref- Deprived of the logo-embossed leather pretty to live… Handbags – probably the best place to keep your sleeping pills A Man’s Shoe Haven Matthew Allinson tackles the hell of the High Street and fi nds heaven at Offspring

rather like shoes, which is a was out looking for a pair of weather I went in, it was full of people and the cheaper than competitors they gave me how these guys provided it. problem because buying shoes proof hi-top trainers for day to day music was up, but somehow I wasn’t a proper bag I can use again. Offspring made me realise I don’t hate is usually the low point of any casual wear in the lab and out to the beaten back by the sensation of anarchic I know the quality of the bag is a shoe shopping – I just hate most shoe shopping trip, especially for pub and gigs. Budget: up to £80. Not a violence that had been present in every weird point to get all excited about but shops. All I ever wanted was a wide semen. I guess we buy fewer shoes tough ask by any stretch of the imagi- other busy shoe shop I’d been in that I mean, trainers are all pretty much the lection of trainers to choose from and andI don’t spend as much money on nation, but after several big-chain shoe day. A staff member said “Hello,” with same wherever you buy them from but to be treated like a human being while I them, and thus as inferior customers stores I was so un-inspired that I was a merciful absence of that “Can I help I have so much time for seriously good made my choice. If, like me, you share get massively inferior treatment in shoe beginning to wonder if I even needed to you?” bullshit. I found a pair of train- customer service at no extra cost, and these modest demands, I highly recom- shops. replace my hole riddled, rapidly decay- ers that I quite liked. They brought me the proper bag is a tangible example of mend you try these guys out. Your average ‘Offi ce’ will stash the ing Reeboks. a pair that fi t. I liked them. They gave men away into one corner to be buf- This was a sorry state of affairs, my me a 10% student discount (non-NUS, feted left and right while we look at our last shoe shopping attempt had been massively, massively lacking from oth- meagre, drab footwear selection by staff with my girlfriend and I’d wound up in er retailers ) and… brace yourselves… members carrying myriad boxes back such a terrible mood we nearly broke up a canvas bag to take them home in. to the exquisitely more profi table and (happily to say we’re still together and, fairer sex. Worse still are shoe shops after a veritably geological time period, that coldly point gentlemen up a fl ight the woman in Schuh eventually brought “They brought me a of hidden stairs to, what is at fi rst sight out the correct size pair of vans that I an abandoned attic. The music – which now own); if I had another awful shoe pair that fi t. I liked provides a youthful, fresh and lively shopping trip I may have had to give up party atmosphere to the ladies section entirely on shoes and fashion footwear them” downstairs – imbues the men’s section out of rags. with the ambience of a nightclub too Luckily I found Offspring on 60 Neal early in the evening: the punters, semi- Street (although if it’s more convenient Like seriously you know how Of- embarrassed at turning up to such a de- for you, they have one on Camden high fi ce and Topman give you those paper serted establishment, awkwardly stake street). I had never heard of it before bags that fall apart and kill your hands out their spot and trying not to make but the window looked promising. In and generally make your life hell by eye-contact. front of my weary eyes was shop full the time you’ve gotten two tube trains So far thus had been my shoe shop- of nothing but beautiful trainers of all home on a Saturday early evening. ping experience two weekends back, I varieties. Not so with these guys, despite being Who needs shoes? I use reinforced bin bags – deal with it 38 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX Food Editors: Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas FOOD [email protected] Food Bites Vintage and glamorous Betty

He’s a Macaron Lover Michael Krestas

London is fi lled with loads of cafés, which, let’s face it, look almost the same and offer very similar products. That’s why it’s completely OK to feel sick of them. There is, however, a place in London where you can have your coffee or tea like you’ve never have before. It’s small, it’s cozy, it’s friendly, it’s “Betty Blythe”. Named after the Hollywood starlet, “Betty Blythe” is a beautiful, vintage teashop and fi ne food pantry in west London – just 10 minutes walking from Hammersmith Station. Betty Blythe offers a complete selection of cof- fees and teas, as well as a wide range of fresh Different to the coconut-based macaroons from pastries, muffi ns and cakes. The highlight of a I suddenly have an incredible urge to travel back in time... America, the French version ‘Macarons’ have a visitor’s experience in my opinion is the maca- smother surface and are of a sandwich design. roons. They look fresh and they taste fresh; hav- These tasty treats have been bringing delight to ing just the right size they match incredibly with tween the main café and the downstairs tearoom sister or mother – although that’s just sad – and foodies in London and Betty Blythe looks forward a morning or afternoon tea without being too – for a more private space. have a try; you won’t regret it! to welcoming you to try them for yourself. sweet. The counter is full with beautifully made Betty Blythe is the absolute vintage and glam- Go and soak up some French glamour as well cakes and colourful treats and the staff look very orous get-together place for you girls to meet, 73 Blythe Rd. Brook Green, London W14 as the new range of Ganache Macarons which keen to help you choose! chit-chat, have your party and gossip (now I’m 0HP come in a range of fl avours; from Bramley Apple to Betty Blythe is also a wonderful spot for an el- being rude!). For you guys I have one thing to Tel: 0207 602 1177 Ginger Bread to Peanut Butter & Jam fl avour and egant hen-do or a birthday party offering pretty say: the food there is too good to get stopped by Email: [email protected] many more! I am addicted. Michael Krestas decor and delicious food. You can choose be- the girlie tone of the café. Take your girlfriend, Open 8am till 6pm ish

Don’t forget to send your speciality to [email protected] for the Cluster Bombs Imperial Food Awards. Deadline is on Friday 21 October at 00:00. Byron means Burger

Laurence Pope ly hooked and drooling all over my keyboard. Outside of the Heaven-sent hamburgers are “I want to keep fi ghting because it is the only a modest number of main and side salads, thing that keeps me out of the hamburger which, whilst crunchy and better than most, joints. If I don’t fi ght, I’ll eat this planet.” Take pale in comparison to their meatier main this George Foreman quote, replace ‘fi ght’ course brethren. The choice for vegetarians is with ‘study’ and ‘hamburger joints’ with ‘By- somewhat limited however – there’s a veggie ron’ and it’s instantly applicable to me. Well, burger (made with grilled Portobello mush- sort of. OK, not really, but I still really like room), and one of the salads is meat-free (the Byron. buffalo mozzarella and lentil), but beyond that For the unenlightened, Byron is a hamburger you’re rather limited in choice. restaurant chain that was set up in 2007, with If you like either of those then you’re in for I have recently tried the new Kellogg’s Special K seventeen restaurants currently scattered about a treat, but slightly pickier vegetarians may Honey Clusters and although I did not have many central and greater London, two of which are very well want to give Byron a miss. Obligate expectations (I usually expect low fat cereals to almost on Imperial’s doorstep (one opposite carnivores on the other hand will not be disap- be plain and boring), they have become my fi rst Gloucester Road station, the other a few min- pointed. choice for breakfast. This is because they are utes walk from South Kensington station). The dessert menu is small as well, but does crunchy, sweet, and healthy. For sure, they are They all sport a clean, minimalistic look, but contain some very nice after-dinner treats to much better than any other variations of Kellogg’s at the same time none of their restaurants have indulge yourself with. Unfortunately light sor- Special K, but the downside is that they are expen- never felt cold, simply because they’re always bets or fruit salads are missing from the menu; sive when not on offer. George Trigeorgis bustling with life. Or maybe I’ve always been often after a large meal the last thing you want far too focused on the delicious food to ever to eat is a rich chocolate brownie or cream- take notice. laden banana split. There is always space for you to Byron’s menu isn’t exhaustive by any means, Something small and sweet to end the meal but by GOD do they focus their attention well. I’m not a vegetarian, I swear! with would round it off nicely, possibly ac- review any new products you have If you’ve never been a fan of hamburgers companied by a glass of wine – of which there simply because no place seems to get them is a respectable selection. tried. Simply, send us an email at right, try here. No soggy salad, no overload rather like this place? The classic cheese is the I could try and go on about meat texture, of cheese, buns that actually complement the crowning jewel; six ounces of freshly ground subtle fl avours and whatnot, but at the end of [email protected] meal rather than exist as a source of carbohy- beef (cooked, obviously) with a slice of ched- the day I’m no food buff. Let me put it sim- drates... dar (or the cheese of your choice) and just the ply – I know what I like, and I like Byron. So Am I getting the message across that I really right amount of veggies to keep me suffi cient- will you. unionpage National Student Survey 2011 Response

This week the Union published its ofﬁ cial can see, we have including several useful implements what this response from the “National Student Survey (NSS) 2011 info-graphics, began with a “Top 10 Union and student body recommends Response”. We are led to believe that we recommendations” and kept the main then we should see a dramatic increase are the only Students’ Union in the UK to messages from the response as concise in the quality of teaching and student have published such a document. as possible. satisfaction at Imperial College.

So what is it? Why? This is our best opportunity to change The NSS Response is a booklet we have As I’m sure you’ve all read previously in the student experience at Imperial written that summarises our analysis of Felix, Imperial College dropped 11 places College to make it better for all of us. We the NSS data, addresses concerning (as in the 2012 Sunday Times League Table, need to make sure your year/dep reps, your well as positive) issues in college and the ﬁ rst time Imperial has scored outside while on Student-Staff Committees, provides 35 “Union Recommendations” the top 4 in fourteen years. raise the concerns you are having in sabbaticals to help improve the Student Experience at your department and work together Imperial College. University League ranking tables to provide solutions. Instead of solely have, over the last few years, given making complaints, we should be pro- Jason Parmar It was written by myself, Scott Heath more weighting student satisfaction active and work together with staff in our Deputy President (Education) (Union President) and Andrew Keenan and teaching over categories such as departments to address the issues that [email protected] (Representation Coordinator) over the “Learning Resources” and “Staff-Student affect the Student Experience. last month. Whilst putting it together Ratios”. However, the NSS response isn’t we made sure it was student focused only about trying to get Imperial back I hope you enjoy reading the NSS and we used numerous direct student up the league tables. The low results response, and if you have any questions Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: quotes from the NSS 2011. We also felt in the NSS reveal a genuine problem please e-mail us or, even better, come by imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs it was important that it was as student- with the quality of teaching at Imperial. the Union Ofﬁ ces (2nd Floor of the Union friendly as possible to read. So, as you If college takes on board and effectively Building) to have a chat about it! imperialcollegeunion.org/nssreport overall satisfaction by department

aeronautical engineering chemical engineering biomedical engineering materials mechanical engineering 71% satisfaction 81% satisfaction 90% satisfaction 89% satisfaction 85% satisfaction

earth science engineering physics 98% satisfaction 86% satisfaction civil engineering 89% satisfaction

electrical engineering 87% satisfaction mathematics 79% satisfaction chemistry 78% satisfaction computing 84% satisfaction medicine 92% satisfaction joint maths & computing biology biochemistry biomedical sciences 83% satisfaction 83% satisfaction 76% satisfaction 88% satisfaction

imperialcollegeunion.org 40 Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX Travel Editors: Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson TRAVEL [email protected]

Wishing you were here Munnar: your cup of chai Escaping India’s dusty north for some much needed rest and recovery in the plush green scenery of Kerala

Chris Richardson

India is certainly famous for its delicious tea, so it’s surprising that when most people ‘do India’ they’re usually referring to the dusty north as opposed to the plusher south. Mun- nar is a gem in the heart of Kerala, nestled in the Western Ghats, and is home to some of the most breath-taking mountain and plan- tation scenery the country has to offer. After surviving a treacherous bus ride up windy hills I was lucky enough to catch some of the sights on offer. “...afternoon swims in waterfalls, friendly waves

from tea pickers and Unbeatable mountain views from Tea Castle, ten kilometres outside of Munnar freedom of the road”

The town itself is a little scruffy, offer- ner you’ll be just ﬁ ne. And even in my case, an absolute must, and the daily rental fee is as ing the usual array of delicious Indian cui- the afternoon swims in waterfalls, friendly low as a standard tuk-tuk ride anyway. And sine and cocktail of tablets to keep the runs waves from tea pickers and the freedom of of course, don’t skip on the freshly brewed at bay. While it serves as the perfect hub for chai. necessities, the true beauties of Munnar lie All in all Munnar turned out to be one of in the outskirts. Instead of succumbing to the “See it all by serendipity” my favourite destinations in India, especially dreaded tuk-tuk drivers, I decided to rent my- after the hustle and bustle of the dusty, tem- self a motorbike and head for the scenery. pley north. It’s a brilliant place to unwind, The sights on show were nothing less than the road made it totally worthwhile. I could and a great portal to the rest of ‘God’s own fantastic: I spent the day venturing further go on about every little site to see, but the country’; it’s a place where not even the tor- ‘Banks of the Yamuna’ by Rajesh Kuman Singh and further aﬁ eld, zipping by luscious lakes, best way to see it all is by serendipity, the rential downpour of the thick monsoon can plush plantations and wild elephants, occa- backpacker’s best friend. But motorbiking is bring down your spirits. sionally stopping to take a snap or two. High- ly recommended is the ride to Top Station, Travel on your doorstep about thirty kilometres out of town, where you can pick up a tasty thali and admire the Ghats and gaze into the neighbouring state of Tamil Nadu. Motorbiking might evoke images of cruis- ing in the sun, but be warned – the ride is not for the faint hearted. Blissfully forgetting about the altitude and the monsoon I opted to wear beach gear, only to be caught by torren- tial downpour. The slippy roads would have been tolerable had I not also neglected the setting sun; needless to say, the ride home in Stunning skylines from Parliament Hill the dark was a slow one. To add to the thrills I tried to convince myself that I was a main character from a zombie movie. Get there: Gospel Oak/Hampstead (Overground), But as long as you’re not a complete span- Endless seas of emerald green will entertain you for eons or Kentish Town (Northern line) See: One of the best skyline views of London Eat: Amazing gastropub fare at The Bull and Last Cost: £10-20 for a meal, or £2-7 for nibbles Planning a trip? Here’s some useful India travel tips from the Felix Travel team!

Visit Parliament Hill this Saturday to browse one Planning a trip to Munnar? I stayed at a wonderful hotel Planning a trip to Kerala (or anywhere in India)? Contact of the most picturesque weekly farmers’ markets called Tea Castle, nestled ten kilometres out of town. The ho- Kerala Holidays, who offer tailor-made custom packages for in London and for stunning views of the capital’s tel offers peaceful serenity and unbeatable views of the sur- groups of any size, that start and end at the airport and in- landmarks. Situated on a corner of Hampstead rounding mountains and tea fi elds from its brilliant bedroom clude everything in between. Awarded as the Best In-Bound Heath, which covers 800 acres of grassland, this balconies. The staff were very helpful when it came to organ- Tour Operator by the Kerala Government, and with a friendly is the perfect place for a chilled evening out in one ising day trips, and the top-notch Keralan cuisine dished up staff who know the ins and outs of the country, it’s no wonder of the most beautiful parts of North London. at the classy rooftop restaurant always went down a treat. To they’re attracting holidaymakers and celebrities alike. Visit fi nd out more visit TeaCastle.in or contact the Editor. KeralaHolidays.com to fi nd out more. FELIX Friday 21 OCTOBER 2011 41 CLUBS & SOCIETIES Fellwanderers Imperial College in the Succah! Intelligence Report Interfaith make history after celebrating Jewish festival on campus Date: 14/10/11 - 16/10/11 Andrea Levy Destination: Snowdonia, Cymru Sayinthen Vivekanantham Day 1: Friday On Tuesday 18 October, Interfaith and the IC Jewish Society set up a Succah on campus, for 18:17 – Mobile Command Unit (MCU) departs from the fi rst time ever in the university’s history. It Secret Headquarters near Chiswick was undoubtedly a great success. 18:20 – MCU refuels The week-long Jewish festival of Succot, 18:30 – MCU attempts to collect agents Evans & (singular: “Succah”), is named after the sym- Harris and fails to make contact bolic wilderness shelters or temporary huts 20:20 – MCU drives past standard Imperial 15 dwelt in by the Israelites whilst in the wilder- seater of unknown allegiance, commences hand ness of the Sinai Desert, after they were freed waving operations regardless from slavery in Egypt and before entering the Interfaith Committee 2011-2012, left to right: Cornelius Ng (Cath Soc Rep), Mustafa 21:00 – Checkpoint 2: purchasing and consump- Promised Land, forty years later. Khan (AB Soc Rep), Sayinthen Vivekanantham (President), Sukhraj Takhar (Sikh Soc tion of fi sh and chips, naan bread and cat curry These temporary shelters are dwelt in again, Rep), Dodie Levene (Jewish Soc Rep) 22:00 – MCU passes by “Star City” near Birming- every year, from the 15th to the 21st day of the ham; driver was distracted during process by de- Jewish year. The commandment “to dwell” in scription of “really cool colourful shiny spinny thing” the succah is fulfi lled by spending as much protection of the Israelites in the Sinai desert logue’. This is a chance to learn simple and 23:10 – MCU enters hostile territory AKA Wales, time as possible inside, including eating one’s and is referred to as “Z’man Simchateinu”, the transferable skills to engage in dialogue with signs now twice as big as they need to be meals, as well as sleeping in the succah, if pos- time of our rejoicing. It is indeed amongst the people holding different views. The workshop 00:17 – MCU experienced a near miss with an un- sible and weather and health permitting. most joyous festivals in the Jewish calendar. will be led by staff from Interact and Three precedented threat disguised as a sheep The Succah must have at least three walls and Today, it was a joy and a privilege to be able Faiths Forum. The following two weeks (No- 00:37 – MCU arrives at Imperial hut, before both a rooftop made of thatch or branches that pro- to celebrate Succot at Imperial. To be given vember 2 and November 9) will give a chance minibuses vide shade, but also allow you to see the stars. It the opportunity to celebrate at our university, to engage in dialogue on topics chosen by the 00:45 – Fire successfully lit to warm hut for fresh- is traditionally decorated with autumnal fruits throughout the day and to share it with the rest group. On November 18 there will be an open ers as a reference to the end of the harvesting sea- of the student body was unprecedented and su- dialogue session at the Victoria and Albert Mu- 00:56 – Crew of MCU are smug with beer next to son and with Judaic themes, as well as the four perb. seum on burial customs too. For more informa- fi re, while freshers languish in minibuses key species - a palm branch, three branches of On top of it all, the joy of the penultimate day tion and to book a place visit www.imperial. myrtle, two willow branches (the lulav) and of Succot couldn’t have been greater, with the ac.uk/chaplaincy. Day 2: Saturday a citron (the etrog). Although each represents return home of Israeli Defense Forces soldier, Throughout the whole day, there was a tre- a different type of person, all four species are Gilad Shalit, with whom our thoughts were mendous effort by all the Interfaith and Jew- 07:52- Quartermaster MacAuley gets up to pre- taken and bound together to symbolize that the throughout the day. ish committee members, a massive thank you pare breakfast and lunch for assault on Snowdon mitzvah, or “good deed”, of Sukkot unites us This is the fi rst event that Interfaith has co- to everyone who helped organise the event and summit all. hosted this year and it hopes to be the fi rst of came down to celebrate their own customs or to 09:15- Minibus arrives at Pen y Pass, assault on Though on the one hand, dwelling in the sim- many to come. Imperial Interfaith and Chap- learn about other religions. However, we would Snowdon begins plicity of the Succah reminds us of the frailty laincy are hosting a workshop on Wednesday like to say a very special thanks to the Jewish 10:10- Fellwanderers split into 2 companies: fi rst, and transience of life, it reminds us of God’ s 26 October at 14:30 entitled ‘How to do Dia- Society Interfaith Representative. larger group scrambling up Crib Goch and the second, smaller group going via the Pyg Track. MCU supervises the Crib Goch company 11:28 – Crib Goch company (CGC) spots mountain rescue helicopter, hopes it is not waiting for one of the CGC members to fall off 12:00 – Helicopter air lifts somebody, not in CGC, PortSoc arrive at Imperial College to safety 14:08 – CGC reaches summit of Snowdon 18:00 – All Fellwanderers back in hut, including Ines Vaz Portuguese & Brazilian society, members of you to join us at club Heaven on November 22, groups who travelled back via Pen y Pass the IC Portuguese Speaking Society went on a where the contagious energy of the famed Buraka 18:05 – Evening provisions served: “pasta & red Estamos de volta! pubcrawl between Vauxhall and Stockwell. The Som Sistema will play live in what promises to wine sauce” Who hasn’t heard of the amazing Portuguese pubcrawl was a great success, highlighted by the be a great night of high temperature, strong beats 21:30 – Cmdr Rumer blames new recruits for cuisine? Of the famous Brazilian carnival? Of the break in social drinking to watch the Portugal- and the hip breaking kuduro dancing. Tickets are drinking his litre of spiced rum, which he achieved fast-growing Angolan economy? Yes, between Iceland match, an important qualifi cation for the £15 online (with extra booking fee cost), show alone footballers, hot weather and welcoming, fun 2012 UEFA cup. Rest assured, Portugal won by starts at 19:00. 21:45 – Cmdr Rumer spills crisps over fl oor people, Portuguese speaking countries have had a stunning 5-3, and at the time of writing cur- After receiving a positive response from in- 21:45 – Cmdr Rumer doesn’t want to sleep in a their fair share in leaving cultural marks rently sits atop the Group H qualifi cations, terested members, every Monday and Thursday different room in case someone wears his clothes around the world – and now, we’re although tied point-wise with Den- from 13:00-14:00 , there will be portuguese ready to do the same at Imperial. mark. But enough of the football. group classes given by native speaking com- Day 3: Sunday Starting small but enthusiastic, Anyone is welcome to join our mittee members. If interested in knowing more we’re not only looking out for fi rst dinner in Stockwell on Octo- details, please email [email protected]. 07:55 – All rise, cleaning of the hut commences those who see this society as a ber 28, where a growing Portu- Locations will vary, so make sure you join the 09:08 – All transports depart from hut reminder of home, but for anyone guese community brings to us mailing list for updates. 09:31 – Bus arrives near bottom of Tryfan, con- wishing to learn more about our dishes that will make anyone fall Join us on Facebook for updates (Portuguese sumption of sausage rolls cultures and love for mingling. in love and ask for more. Meeting Speaking Society – Imperial College London) or 09:42 – Entire group begins up the Devil’s Kitchen With an events calendar already point will be Vauxhall tube station at send us an email if interested to join our mailing 12:27 – Lunch on top of glyder fawr established for this term, don’t be fooled 20:00, where we will then head over to list, a specifi c event or just to say hi. Spread the 14:02 – Reach second summit by quantity, because we are best at making O Campino, where we’ll enjoy a menu that in- word, because PortSoc is ready to be launched 16:46 – Return to transports, depart for London up for it in quality time spent between friends! cludes starters, a main course, a drink and coffee and you might just be the fun spirit we are wait- 20:17 – Minibus 2 stops for dinner in Rugby The fi rst event of the year has already been a for £8. ing to meet! 00:10 – Minibus 2 arrives at Beit Quad success! Teaming up with the King’s College If you prefer a proper night out, we propose Até breve! 42 Friday 21 october 2011 FELIX

HANGMAN [email protected] The Hangman Blackboard After the amazing success of the Hangman Notice Board last week (errr Library have stopped giving out receipts... you’re fucking welcome). Hangman has decided, apart from referring to Hangman in the third person like a despot, to show you his blackboard. What? How could that possibly be an innuendo? Why would your mind go there? Anyway, let me whip out my chalk stick and spread my dust over you. Here it is, under this ﬁ ller text. Why a blackboard? We’re old school.

Drunken mate of the week sub- Send them to: Make sure they missions please [email protected] don’t mind, too Hello Union, much. We’re seri- Could you do me a favour? Train ously about to go your bar staff to recognise who through Facebook was there first. You know, like all Dear Union, other bars do. While you’re at it, Guess what? At big events like Graduation, loads stop going to the very edge of the of people are going to be around. Therefore, loads bar to serve the dicks who just of people will be trying to get drinks. It’s almost walk there. How about they walk like that might mean more bar staff would be a up choose an order and tell people good idea for these, fucking obviously, special okay 1,2,3,4 – then people at least occasions. Probably also worth mentioning that know they aren’t in bar limbo. serving people is task 1, task 2 is stacking cups/ tying receipts with a rubber band. Hey people at the Union, ‘Can I pay on my card?’ No, you CAN Dear people standing at the bar, fuck off and die though. I know it’s an exciting moment when a P.S. Those 4 people you vaguely hot girl/guy/Colonel Gaddafi stands next knew, who asked you to get one for to you, but stop trying to subtly look at them ‘while you’re being served’ them out of the corner of your eye. All don’t actually like you. It’s nothing that happens is you end up tilting your personal, it’s just you’re a cunt. Oh, head and spilling your pint, you pervert. wait, it is personal. Sucks to be you. FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 43 HANGMAN THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS Horoscopes* ‘Shit, turns out *Think swearing is vulgar? Well it’s not, you cunt. it was Gene Aries Taurus

Simmons, oh Do you really have to recline your seat In a moment of charitable goodwill, you for a 2 hr flight? Like those extra 10o adopt a pet from the Battersea Dog’s of horizontalness improve your comfort Home. You rush home and spread some my Gawwwd’ more than they reduce mine. You anti- peanut butter over your balls. Woofy social bastard. You probably masturbate starts to lick them... it’s nice, it tickles. in front of your children while playing It pinches. Hard. Harder. Harder still. says camp NTC The Sims.You sick, anally retented fuck. Argh! Just like Hitler, you’ve lost a ball. spokesman. Gemini Cancer

You’re about to transfer from MPhil to Camping outside St Paul’s for three Every Second, Third and Fourth Year is currently applying for a PhD. You still need to do those GSEPS days, yeh, that’s gonna change the sys- courses. Where would you be without tem. You anarchistic dickfucks. You job. Use this cover letter like I use your mother – shamelessly: that Myers Personality Test? How did want an equal distribution of wealth? you manage to get your UG degree Then stop being a bunch of precious hip- without it? You jammy sod. Thanks pies, put things into perspective. Get a Send this shit off to anyone who will hire me GSEPS, you really saved me there. Not. decent job. There’s AIDS in Africa FFS. Leo Virgo

Dear Sir/Madam, Don’t you just love it when your flat- You receive a remote controlled heli- mate cooks a delicious roast chicken? copter. After an unfortunate penis-re- I am perfectly suited to this job in every way possible. In fact, scratch Ah, the way the grease from the bird lated incident, you take your new toy that, I’m perfectly suited to EVERY job in the world EVER. Have you makes a lubricant for your Cock (ged- to the stats lecture. You attempt to land seen that I go to Imperial? Oh yeah, also have you seen my predicted dit?), your chicken cock. Lovely. Actu- the machine on the lecturer’s combover, grade. 2-motherfucking-1. Yeah, there is no way in hell I could ever have ally, chickens don’t have dicks, but still, only for the fucker in the back row to fly just predicted myself that grade with no basing. it kinda works. Right? Well, since when his one over and missile you. Bollocks. I have leadership skills. As we know, everyone in a company must have were you the foreskin master? leadership skills. No, these aren’t gained by being good at a certain role and over time becoming more confident because of increase proficiency. Libra Scorpio They are gained by being the TEAM LEADER in a group exercise for my degree. Okay, so we basically just sat around and all contributed but I lead that contribution. This is definitely true by the way. There is no way Not happy with this week’s articles? Not happy with this week’s horoscopes? that I could exaggerate my role in the task, even though I know that, bar- Ooooh, well why not write a comment You twisted fuck. How hard is it to ring finding out what group I was in and checking, there is no way for on the Felix website that no one will offend you? If you think you’ve got what you to check if I am lying. read or give a shit about. You Guardian it takes, come down to the Felix office I also have excellent comunikation scills. I am basically an orator of reading retard. Some articles are meant and have a go. Sucking Hangman’s cock Pliny the Younger levels (Note – obscure references are good. It’s best to to provoke, stir debate. Don’t get is an obligatory part of the initiation make the interviewer feel like an idiot. For bonus points slip in a cheeky offended so easily, you sensitive ponce. ceremony. Unless you’re not a medic. ‘have you read his letters’). I think it is best for me to just tell you how Then you’re just a time waster. good I am at communicating. As we both know, it is better for me to tell you what I am like, as opposed to show you what I am like. Why would I Sagittarius Capricorn do that? Biggest weakness? Well, I think I am sometimes just too much of a perfectionist, you know. I bet that’s a response you never hear. Wait, I want to ram bamboo strips under your You develop a new laugh where that’s actually a positive isn’t it. Turns out, even my worst qualities are fingernails and then rip them out. I want you can’t stop snorting. It’s bloody straight up awesome. Pushed to say another weakness, it’s definitely to tear off your toes one by one. And unattractive. It’s enough that you dreamy guys/the pussyting. then I want to lick your testicles... already look like a pig, do you really Teamworking? I already told you I am a great, natural-born leader. ... I think I might have Daddy issues... have to sound like one as well? What I’m basically the modern day Julius Caesar. This may imply that I would perhaps I should go on some sort of TV next, you’re gonna grow a goatee? I be bad at working in a team, as I will be a massive dickhead and start show... ideas? mean, you already sound like a cunt... bossing people about like I’m trying out for The Apprentice. Please do not point this out. Aquarius Pisces Yours sincerely/Yours faithfully – What? You don’t know which one is supposed to go here do you. Figure it out. I’m not doing all the work for you. What’s long, pink and hard in the You end up listening to the “award win- morning? No, it isn’t the FT crossword. ning” IC Radio. With 5 listeners, they ‘Insert name here’ It’s your erect cock getting excited over were hitting record numbers. But the the financial deprivation of those smelly music was shit. Really shit. They went Cancer people that hypocritically go to back to 4 listeners: the Felix editor, their Starbucks mid-protest. Those fucking 1 friend, the rector, and the generally double-skinny-latte drinking socialists. grumpy security guy in Beit quad. 44 Friday 21 october2011 FELIX

Puzzles Editor: James Hook

PUZZLES [email protected] Last Week’s Solutions Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 8 Slitherlink Across Down 1. Stag (8,5) 1. Ordinary or routine (5,3,6) 9 10 10 9. A set of principles (5) 2. North Pacifi c salmon with 3 3 3 10. Pay back (9) black spots (5) 2 3 3 2 2 11. Non-conductor (10) 3. Flat, round pastry fi lled with 3 1 1 3 1 12. Monarch of Russia (4) dried fruit (6,4) 11 12 12 15 2 2 14. Became aware of (7) 4. Unit of magnetic fi eld 13 1 2 2 3 2 16. Authentic (7) strength; rode set (anag.) (7) 17. Large woolen cover (7) 5. Twinning (7) 3 1 2 141316 151417 18 191516 2016 19. Monster with a lion’s head, 6. Steals (4) 3 1 2 2 3 3 a goat’s body and a serpent’s 7. English county; lends it’s 16 21 3 1 2 1 tail (7) name to a pudding (9) 2 2 3 1 3 1 20. Co-operative unit (4) 8. Guitarist - compositions in- 1722 23 1824 18 19 25 2 2 2 21. French medieval lyric poet clude While My Guitar Gently (10) Weeps (6,8) 19 24. A positive feeling of wanting 13. Pointers providing specifi c to push ahead with something information on e.g. tempera- 2620 21 21 22 2322 (9) ture, pressure (10) 23 Nonogram 25. Egg shapes (5) 15. 1805 naval battle (9) 26. Process of deteriorating or 18. Underwater missile (7) 24 25 25 1 1 declining (13) 19. Warship of medium ton- 2 3 3 2 nage (7) 1 1 1 1 2 1 3 1 3 1 3 1 2 1 22. Congo mammal of the 3 1 2 5 3 5 3 5 2 1 3 0 5 1 11 giraffe family (5) 26 26 2 2 23. Be anxious; guitar ridge (4) 9 1

2 1 2 2

1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Wordoku Word Wheel 1 1 1 1 3 3 1 1 E T A R E N 1 1 3 TARGET: 25 1 1 1 A H F G U I 1 1 1 1

2 1 2 1 S T B Make as many words of at least 5 1 S F 4 letters as you can, always using the E A 5 central one. NO plurals, conjugated 7 H T E A verbs, comparatives or superlatives, G R 3 3 because I said so. There is always at A U least one 9 letter word. H U Crosswords T F A S QUICK(ish) - Across 1. Magic spell 6. Abed 9. S G H R Reverts 10. Secrete 12. Hello 13. Estimated 14. Stand-up comedian 17. School of thought 20. Merci- This week’s wordoku contains a very highbrow phrase that less 21. Actor 23. Pretend 24. Private 25. Data 26. most of you won’t understand. Once again, every row, Pertinency Down: 1. Morphosis 2. Gavel 3. Carbon column and 3x3 box contains each symbol. dioxide 4. Paste-up 5. Lesotho 7. Breathing 8. Dread 11. Commemoration 15. Abhorrent 16. Notoriety 18. Overdue 19. Tosspot 20. Moped 22. Twain FUCWIT Cryptic Crosswords? CRYPTIC - Across 1. Carbuncle 6. Bedew 9. Saffron League Leader Board The Felix University/College-Wide 10. Redcoat 11. Ski 12. Moonlighter 14. Senate 15. Invitational Tournament League is No Thanks! Aggrieve 17. Riﬂ eman 19. Leaper 22. Whistlestop TTeams:eams: new and improved, with prizes for 23. Cab 25. Outcast 27. Percuss 28. Large 29. Di- both the winning team and the win- Having trouble with the cryptic crosswords in ary Room Down 1. Costs 2. Rufﬁ an 3. Unremittent Elbowfart 12 ning individual. the sports section? No idea what it all means or 4. Canyon 5. Earplugs 6. Bad 7. Dioptre 8. Water would like to know why some answers are as they Bear 13. Garden Party 14. Straw Poll 16. Lamented Paddy Got Bummed 5 Points will be awarded per individu- are? Contact [email protected] with 18. Fritter 20. Pachuco 21. Utopia 24. Bosom 26. al puzzles solved. The first person/ the subject line “Cryptic Help”. You’ll be sent an Ace Cum Puzzling Sluts 4 team to send in a correct answer introduction to how cryptic crosswords work and for a puzzle will receive 2 points per what to look out for. Each week you’ll also receive IIndividuals:ndividuals: puzzle. After that people who send complete explanations to the answers in the pre- in correct answers will be awarded vious week’s Felix cryptic crossword. Chess Jeremy Neale 14 1 point per puzzle. Double points are awarded for cryptic crosswords. Hold your horses – solutions will appear next week Wael Aljeshi 10 Contributions wanted! in an answer bonanza! Send your solutions to: If you’d like to contribute by sending in puzzles, Juliette Chupin 8 [email protected] comics or even some editing, e-mail puzzles.felix@ for points galore! imperial.ac.uk FELIX Friday 21 october 2011 45 PUZZLES QFDROIMFVWZ Nonogram - Communism CRYPTOGRAMS Film 1 1 3 1 3 Z N O T J R M J Q R V N O P 2 4 4 4 6 3 3 2 2 2 3 4 5 Strip 2 3 4 2 2 3 2 2 3 5 4 4 5 3 2

P C R D M W R X O Z R O P P M 3 3

J X M P R L P P C R L M O H I Z R X 2 3 Identify these ﬁ lms.

. 4 2 You’ll ﬁ nd a com- N Z I L C Z M X R I X D R O P 4 3 mon theme between 4 2 J X M G Q R Z K H P M them... 6 1

J X M P R L P P C R L M O H I Z R X 3 3 2 1 3 2

E X M Z P C R D M W R X O Z R O P 3 2

1 5

Z K Q P M O E X K R F Z N O 4 5

- 13

3 4 4 A B C D E F G H I J K L M A quotation has been encoded. Some political 2 2 ramblings I think. Each N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z letter now stands for a different letter. Go! The cells in a grid have to be coloured typical solution looks like. or left blank according to numbers at The overall solution should yield the side of the grid. some sort of picture, or as good as a The numbers measure how many un- picture can look in monochrome on a SLITHERLINK broken lines of filled-in squares there 15x15 grid. are in any given row or column. Look As usual, answers to puzzles.felix@ 2 332 32 at last week’s solution to see what a imperial.ac.uk. 3 1 2 1123ChessSoc Chess 3 3 1 23

1 2 23 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 3 3 3 1 022 322 3 1 1 2 2 3

The aim with Slitherlink is to make one have lines. That’s all the info you need continuous closed loop by connecting the to get the one logical answer (though dots. The numbers in each square indicate waiting a week to see the solution will how many edges of the square are part of also do). Answers to puzzles.felix@ the loop, so if it contains a “2”, you know imperial.ac.uk, as the puzzles team re- that two and only two out of four edges cieves one pity hug per correct solution. 46 Friday 21 October 2011 FELIX Sports Editors: Indy Leclercq David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Fencing Men’s 2nd team start off season with a win

Jack Patten ity between the two teams. It then fell to Fencing Matt to re-establish the lead, which he managed to do – Thomas and Chris then Men’s 2nd 135-90 worked to extend that lead even further. Faii Ong turned up to replace Matt for The fencing season opened this year the next bout against the anchor, doing at Ethos, with the men’s second team well to maintain the lead. The sabreurs fencing against Surrey University’s fi rst then managed to consolidate and extend team. After a delayed start, the foilists this over the next few bouts to fi nish got things going. Matthew Carney drew with a 45-40 victory. fi rst blood with a neat parry-riposte, and Team captain Jamie then started the continued on to win the bout against the epee off on the right foot, taking an opposition’s left-handed foilist. early lead. Neal Wannell, returning to Jamie Fairclough, team captain for the club after a year of fencing for an Imperial, followed suit, reminding the American university, maintained that opposition that epeeists can indeed lead against stiff opposition in the form counterattack. Joey, a new acquisition of a “lefty” – even scoring the hit that from Sussex, rounded out the team us- mathematically put the match out of ing accuracy and an impressively long Surrey’s reach. James Loryman, also in lunge to score points. his debut for the club, put on a good dis- The Imperial fencers didn’t relinquish play, making some incredibly light hits their lead for the remainder of the foil, somehow connect. fi nishing with an impressive lead of 45- Jamie was given the honour of closing 15. the fencing out for the day, winning the Sabre started with a bang and a cool epee 45-35, with the match ending on an 5-0 victory courtesy of new team mem- ICFC victory of 135-90. ber Chris Lawrence. Thomas Martino The hard-fought match was followed then faced off against the opposition’s by some well-deserved socalizing over best fencer, who managed to restore par- a few drinks at Eastside. Cut, thrust, parry, riposte...oh wait, there’s two lights. Referee needed

in association with Selected ﬁ xtures & results Sports Partnership

Wednesday 19th October Men’s 2nd 3 Medicals Women’s 1st 2 Medicals Women’s 5th 8 Men’s 2nd 9 Women’s 1st vs Medicals Men’s 1st vs Medicals Men’s 2nd vs BADMINTON Roehampton Uni. 2nd 3 St George’s 1st 6 Surrey 3rd 60 University of Kent 1st 8 Roehampton University 1st London South Bank 1st Buckinghamshire 1st TENNIS Men’s 1st 6 Men’s 3rd 1 Medicals Men’s 2nd 2 RUGBY UNION Medicals Men’s 1st vs Medicals Men’s 1st vs Medicals Women’s 2nd vs Queen Mary 1st 2 University of Westminster 3 UCL 2nd 4 Men’s 2nd 3 University of Greenwich 1st University of Westminster 3rd King’s Medicals 4th Men’s 1st 10 King’s College 1st 5 Women’s 1st 7 Medicals Men’s 1st 2 Medicals Men’s 3rd 0 St Bartholomew’s 1st 15 FENCING HOCKEY Medicals Women’s 3rd vs University of Kent 1st 1 LSE 1st 5 UCL 2nd 3 University of Kent 3rd Wednesday 26th October Men’s 2nd vs Men’s 1st vs Medicals Women’s 1st 3 Medicals Men’s 2nd 4 LACROSSE Men’s 2nd 27 BADMINTON Reading University 1st St Mary’s 1st LACROSSE Kingston Uni. 1st 2 London South Bank 1st 2 Royal Vet College 1st 7 Women’s 1st 18 Men’s 1st vs Women’s 2nd vs Women’s 1st vs Men’s 1st vs Medicals Men’s 2nd 6 HOCKEY Royal Holloway 1st 2 Men’s 3rd 0 University of Kent 2nd ULU 1st Royal Holloway 1st University of Essex 1st Medway 1st 2 St George’s, ULU 2nd 7 Men’s 1st 0 NETBALL Women’s 1st vs Men’s 3rd vs Women’s 2nd vs Women’s 1st vs BASKETBALL Portsmouth University 1st 7 UCL 1st ULU 2nd University of Surrey 2nd University of Portsmouth 1st Women’s 1st 35 SQUASH Women’s 1st 50 Women’s 1st 2 LSE 1st 14 Men’s 2nd vs FOOTBALL Men’s 3rd vs NETBALL St Mary’s 1st 53 St Mary’s 1st 1 Women’s 1st 4 Royal Holloway 1st Reading 4th Medicals Women’s 1st 48 University of Sussex 1st 0 Men’s 1st vs Women’s 1st vs FENCING Men’s 2nd 4 Brunel 3rd 25 Medicals Men’s 1st vs University of Westminster 1st Men’s 4th vs University of Kent 2nd Roehampton Uni. 1st 1 Men’s 3rd 0 UCL 1st Middlesex 1st Men’s 2nd 135 Medicals Women’s 2nd 25 King’s College 1st 5 Women’s 1st vs Women’s 2nd vs University of Surrey 1st 90 Women’s 2nd 4 Portsmouth 2nd 30 Medicals Women’s 1st vs University of Westminster 1st Medicals Men’s 1st vs UCL 3rd Portsmouth Uni. 3rd 3 King’s Medicals 1st LSE 1st FOOTBALL Medicals Women’s 3rd 9 TABLE TENNIS Women’s 3rd vs Men’s 3rd 1 St Bart’s 46 Men’s 2nd vs Medicals Women’s 1st vs University of West London 1st Women’s 1st 8 University of Surrey 2nd 2 Women’s 1st 3 BASKETBALL Kingston University 2nd Royal Vet College 1st King’s College 1st 1 Medicals Women’s 4th 13 UCL 1st 2 Men’s 4th 0 St George’s 4th 25 Men’s 1st vs Men’s 3rd vs Royal Holloway 2nd 4 Queen Mary 1st London South Bank 2nd FELIX Friday 21 October 2011 47 SPORT Hockey: varying results Cryptic Crossword 1,498 for pre-season games 1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 10

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Women’s 2s looking happy despite the loss...any chance of a centrefold, girls? Across Down ...Continued from back page squandered much of their opening pos- balls. the 2s will hopefully be back to their session. However, it wasn’t long before The last game of the day saw the 1. Hit ball too hard, perhaps, onto bridge (8) 1. Keep busy and alternately concoct up final brilliant best soon. IC hit their stride. Some quick passes Men’s 3s take on UCL Men’s 3s in what 5. Shouted beat (6) ploy (6) After a draw and a loss, all the pres- saw Harry Stevenson open the scoring, would be the biggest IC victory of the 9. French stocks identical whichever way 2. Discharge, no longer living in Greece? (7) sure was put on the Men’s 4s to ensure before Teddy Middlebrook doubled the day. UCL were on the back foot straight you look at them (3) 3. Profound thoughts about holy hippos (10) IC would not leave Harlington empty advantage. With a two goal cushion IC from the push back with IC pressing 10. I write books adapted as a mosaic with 4. Washington, for instance, having handed. The game began well for the hit cruise control. Anytime the UCL hard. IC found themselves 2-0 in 10 four covers (5,6) significance and looking solid, for 4s with the defence standing strong, players collected the ball, player of the minutes, with Kenneth Chau and Alex 12. Quiet chick has no blokes, none. A rare example (5,2,6) but then the RSM strikers became too match Celia Hayes broke down the at- Kirby both getting early goals. The de- occurrence (10) 6. Light echo being unknown (4) much and they scored two well-taken tack and linked up with the midfi eld fence also proved that anything the at- 13. Accommodation a little underwhelming 7. Acrobat that can hold his drink? (7) goals in quick succession. Shortly af- beautifully. The icing on the cake was tack could do, they could do better, with (4) 8. Saw peace-bringer at the end (8) ter, however, veteran 4th team member, a brilliant breakaway goal that Harry Jack Tremlett and Alex Jones shutting 15. Excuse the French fop (3,3) 11. One annoyed with your marks perhaps Luke Reynolds, managed to score one scored with a sweet strike. 3-0 the fi nal down any UCL play. Another goal from 16. Maria and us got mixed up with may start to ask questions (5,8) of his trademark reverse stick shots. IC score was well deserved. Kenneth and a double from James Gok- swordsman (7) 14. Stitch up brother’s identification in pressed, but unsuccessfully, and these The Ladies’ 2s were next up and keen saran put IC 5-0 up early on in the sec- 18. Tragedy consumes Swiss, wealth no material used for files (10) attacks left gaps behind for the RSM to to show what they could do. IC started ond half, which was also how the game longer valid (7) 17. Credited expert (8) exploit. The RSM managed to hit a few well, but the difference in benches (UCL ended. A good result, but the team will 20. Axe Roman losing extremities with 19. Secretly depart after positive scam on more goals, but the efforts from James had 8 more subs) proved to be the big- face much sterner tests. condition of dry eyes (6) Democrat (7) Peck and Luke meant that the fi nal score gest factor, and eventually, UCL broke Imperial College Hockey Club is the 23. More contained in Pascal’s opera (4) 21. Endlessly violent situation missing of 7-3 was a respectable one, consdier- down a tired IC. The fi nal score line of most successful university hockey club 24. Whips bails off, surrounding current primary lightning conductor (7) ing the RSM team do have some very 5-0 defi nitely fl attered UCL. There were in London, boasting 7 teams. We have a batsman with two points and having short 22. Honour Spanish and meet up (6) good players. Despite losing the match, many positives to take away from the vibrant social life and are always look- leg (10) 25. Banter extremely lacking after forced the performance was strong and there is loss, with many players in the team ac- ing for new players. Whether you have 26. Heir to strut with nothing at first, then bet (4) plenty of hope for the Men’s 4s for the tually playing for the fi rst time. All the never picked up a stick before, or been impresses, say (5,6) next season. freshers performed very well, with Les- playing since you were in nappies, come 27. Be neck and neck, perhaps? (3) In the fi rst game away to UCL, IC La- lie impressing the most. Despite being a along and give us a game. We meet for 28. Make day with brilliant bumper car (6) dies’ 1s took on their UCL counterparts. novice, she played a great game, defend- training on Monday nights at 6pm in 29. Creepy-crawly wriggling about, worry IC started in a panicked fashion and ing fearlessly and played some fantastic the Union. See you then! mam! (4,4) Interested in sport? Drop by the offi ce or email us: We need contributors! [email protected] SPORTISSUE 1498 21.10.11 IC Hockey friendlies yield mixed results Two wins, three losses and a draw: pre-season matches offer some insight into the teams ahead of a new season

Jason Ye friendlies played against a combination corded a solid 3-0 victory before the Ewan Quince scuttling a ball under Men’s 2s hoping they could go one Hockey of UCL and the RSM provided valuable Ladies’ 2s were humbled 5-0. The day the keeper’s pads off a short corner. better. With a squad of 14, includ- experience for ICHC and an opportuni- ended with the Men’s 3s avenging that The workload required by the new ing 6 freshers, IC started the game Men’s 1s 2-2 UCL 1s ty for the freshers to impress and show loss with their own 5-0 victory. system did have its drawbacks, with brightly. A host of surging attacks Men’s 2s 0-2 UCL 2s what they were capable of. There is a lot expected of the Men’s UCL hitting back at the start of the from the right piled on the pressure The matches at home did not end 1s this year, but with the recent pro- second half to bring themselves level. and IC forced a short corner. Unfor- Men’s 3s 5-0 UCL 3s well for Imperial as Fortress Harling- motion and a large release of players, A moment of brilliance from Ewan got tunately, a fumble with the stop led to Men’s 4s 3-7 RSM 1s ton failed to live up to its name. The they are fully aware of how tough this IC back into the lead with a well taken UCL winning the ball and scoring a Women’s 1s 3-0 UCL 1s day saw the Men’s 1s take on their year will be. The contest against UCL one-on-one. Sadly, this moment of breakaway goal. IC tried to get back UCL counterparts and record a 2-2 Men’s 1s therefore provided an op- brilliance was followed by a moment on level terms and played very good Women’s 2s 0-5 UCL 2s draw, the Men’s 2s lose 2-0 to UCL’s portunity to try out a host of new tac- of madness from goalkeeper Vishal hockey, however, they could not stop M2, and the Men’s 4s falter to a 7-3 tics revolving around a new system of Dhutia, who let a simple shot straight a second UCL goal; 2-0 being the fi nal Wednesday 12 October was a mixed day defeat by the RSM. play. These new tactics, despite being in. The fi nal score of 2-2 was a good score. It was poor fi tness and inaccu- for ICHC, with the 6 teams recording 2 The away matches at UCL’s pitches physically demanding, saw IC take a result for both teams. rate passes that let the team down, and wins, 3 losses and a draw. The series of ended a lot better. The Ladies’ 1s re- slender 1-0 lead into half time, with Seeing their fi rst team draw left the ...Continued on Page 47 SCIENCE POLITICS ARTS GAMES FASHION

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