MA R T IN E ’ S

HAND- BOOK OF ETIQUETTE,

E TO TR E POLI NE GUID U TE SS.

A COMP LET E MANUAL FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE To UNDERSTAN D THE

RUL ES OF GOOD BREEDING,THE CUSTOMS OF GOOD SOCIETY,

AND To AVOID INCORRECT AND VUL GAR HABITS,

CO NTA INING

Clear and Comrehensiee Directions Together with the Etiquette of the B all for Correct Manners,Dress,and and Assembly R oom,E vening P asties

Instmcfions for Good Behavior at Department in the Street and when Din/h er P arties,and the Tab le, Tra velling ; with Hints on the A rt of Gaming And the Usages to be Observ ed whe n and Takin Win at Tabl i itin or wl all g e e ; V s g R ecs/lo y C s.

T O W HICH IS A DDED

T HE ETIQ UETTE O F COURTSHIP,MARRIAGE,DOMESTIC DUTIES,

’ AND FIFTY - SIX RUL ES T O BE O RSERVED IN

G ENERAL SOCIETY .

B R IN E Y A R T .

O O w “, D I L CK F IT Z G E R A D , P U B L IS HE R S .

N T E N T C O S.

The Art ofCo e sat o nv r i n .

General Rules for Convers atio n

0 On Dres s

Intro ductions

L etters o fIntro duction

Dinner Parties

Etiquette o fthe Ball and Assemb ly B oom

Evening Parties

i Visit ng.

Street Etiquette ” 1

Domestic Etiquette and Duties

On General Society

GENERAL BSER ATI O V ONS.

P Oe ENEss has been defined as an artificial goo d-na ture b utit would be better said that good-nature is natural lit ess It n us w u po en . i spires ith an nremitting attention,both to please others and to avoid giving them offence . Its code \ is a ceremonial,agreed upon and established among man kind,to give each o ther external testimonies o ffriendship P oliteness eti uette of u le or respect . and q form a sort s pp ment to the law,which enables society to protect its elf a ff es the law c u i gainst o enc which annot to ch . For nstance, the law cannot punish a man for habitually staring at peo . solent and annoying manner,b ut etiquette can banish such an offender frOmthe circles of good society, im l Eti uette and fix upon h the brand of v u garity. q con sists in certain forms,ceremonies,and rules which the principle of politeness establishes and enforces for the regulation of the manners of men and women in their u interco rse with each other. T Many unthinking persons consider the observance Of etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly,as nsisting of unmeaning forms,practiced only b yithe silly a d the idle an opinion which arises from their not having reflected on the reas ons that have led to the establishment of certain rules indispensable to the well -being of society,and with ’ udt which,indeed,it would inevitably fall to pieces,and be destroyed . GENERAL GESER VA TION8.

The true aimof politeness,is to make those with whom o u te ll fi l l y associa as we satis ed with themse ves as possib e . It does not,by any means,encourage an impudent self importance in them,b ut it does whatev er it can to aecom mo date l , u their fee ings and wishes in social interco rse . P oliteness is a sort of social benevolence,which avoids wounding the pride,o r - shocking the prejudices of those ‘ u o u aro nd y . The principle of politenessis the same among all nations, b ut the ceremonials which etiquette imposes differ accord u u ing to the taste and habits of vario s co ntries . For instance,many o f the minor r ules of etiquette at Paris difier from those at London ;and at New York they may ] differ fromboth Paris and London . But still the polite of u u every co ntry have abo t the same manners . Of the manners and deportment of both ladies and gen tlemen,we would remark that a proper consideration for the welfare and comfort of others will generally lead to a greater propriety of demeanor than any rules which the t ul u l T l most rigid mas er of etiquette co d s pp y. his fee ing, however,is one that must be cultivated,for the promptings o f nature are eminently selfish,and courtesy and good di l l ff dis bree ng are on y attainab e by e ort and cipline. B ut even courtesy has limits where dignity shoul d govern it,for when carried to excess,particularly in manner,it s l l border on sycophancy,which is a most , as despicab e as u l rudeness . To overb rden peop e with attention ;to ren der them uncomfortable with a prodigality of proffered services to insist upon obligations which they do not desire,is not only to render yourself disagreeable, b ut l ul l e contemptib e. This defect of manners is partic ar y pr v alent in the rural districts,where the intense effort to ; ' render a visitor comfortable has exactly the contrary efiect ' besides,there are those whose want of refinement and go o d breeding often leads them to an unwarrantable famil ' ia t w u ld indifierence u ue riy,hich req ires co ness and to s bd . ” GENERAL ase s A l o V Hee s . 7

Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling arises, especially In country towns,from not knowing what is “ ” expected, or necessary to be done on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from the prevalence of local customs, with which the world in general are not supposed to be ” c u a q ainted . To do in Rome as the Romans do, applies , At to every kind of society. the same time,yo u can never be expected to commit a serious breach of manners because u yo r neighbors do so . But what yo u should do,and what not,in particular s o u ill l ll i I ca es,y w earn in the fo owng chapters . have only now to say,that if yo u wish to ‘ be agreeable,which is certainly a good and religious desire,yo u must both study h o w to be so,and take the trouble to put your studies into

a . u o u ill n Y constant pr ctice The fr it y w soo reap . ou ll lik l e u e will be genera y ed and ov d. The gratit d of those to whom yo u have devoted yourself will be shown in speak ing well of yo u yo u will be come a desirable addition to

” every party,and whatever your birth,fortune,or position, people will say of you, He is a most agreeable and well ” ' and l uc ou bred man, be g ad to introd e y to good society. u o u il Y o u ll B t y w l reap a yet reward. wi have in yourself the s atisfaction trouble and made sacrifices in order to give pleasure and happiness for the ou time to others . How do y know what grief or care you may not obliterate,what humiliation you may not alter to — confidence,what anxiety ou may not soften,what las t, — y b ut really not least what intense dullness yo u may no t enliven If this work assist yo u in b ecomin g an agreeable member of good society,I shall rejoice at the lab or it has THE R OF CON R O A T VE SATI N.

As the object o f conversation 1 s pleasure and improve ment,those subjects only which are of universal interest can be made legitimate topics of pleasantry or diSOlISSlO IL An d it is the gift of expressing thoughts and fancies m a quick,brilliant,and graceful manner on Such topics, -of striking out new ideas,eliciting the views and opinions of others,of attaching the interest of all to the subject dis cussed,giv ing it,however triflin g in itself,weight and importance in the estimation of the hearers,that consti tutes l But the great ta ent for versation . can never,we may safely aver,be displayed except in a good cause,and when conversation is carried on In a spirit u l of gen ine charity and benevo ence . We should meet in society to please and be pleased,and “ not to display cold and stately dignity,which is as much o ut of place,as all attempt to Shine by a skillful adhe rence to the fantastic rules of the silver- fork school, u h l l are puerile and ludicrous. S c itt e things are great to little persons,who are proud of having acquired by rote,what the naturally elegant derl v e, l n sufficient u l u l meas re,fromnatura ly j st fee ing. The power of preserving Silence 1 S the very first requisite to all who wish to shine,or even please 1 n discourse ;and those who cannot preserve it,have really no business to I ull ul speak . Of course, do not mean the d ,ignorant,s ky, THE AR T OF N ERS TI N CO V A O . 9

or supercilious silence,of which we see enough in all con b ut ul wmnm l u science ; the gracef , g and e oq ent silence. The silence that,without any d eferential air,listens with polite attention,is more flattering than compliments,and more frequently broken for the purpose of encouraging l li ’ others to speak,than to disp ay the stener s own powers . hi ll l u l u T s is the rea y e oq ent si ence . It req ires great gen — — ius more perhaps than speaking and few are gifted with the talent ;b ut it is of such essential advantage,that I must recommend its study to all who are desirous to take a Share in conversation, and beg they will learn to be

S ilent,before they attempt to speak . Notwithstanding the praise here bestowed on silence,it must still be explained that there are various modes of b e l th u S l ing silent y rude . There is e r de i ence of disdain o fnot hearing,of not even deeming your words deserving l mi attention or rep y . These are nor and mere passive “modes of impertinence the direct and active sort of silent rudeness is to listen with a fixed and attentive stare on the speaker,and without any necessity of raising the eye — brows—for that might be precarious show your utter amazement,that any one should think of thus addressing u l u a person of yo r rank,wea th,geni s,or greatness . There are of course various styles and degrees in all these modes o f impertinence,b ut they all originate in the same caus e ignorance of the real facility of being rude,and a wish to dl acquire distinction by the practice . It is i e to assert that every one can be rude if he likes ;for,if such were the fact,we should not see hosts of persons belonging to what is termed good society,seeking fame and renown ;

a e. . by v ario us sh des and degrees of mere impertinenc Never give Short or Sharp answers in ordinary conversa tion,u nless yo u aspire to gain distinction by mere rude

ness for they have in fact no merit,and are only uncivil. “ ” ” I do not know, I cannot t ell, are the most harmless ' words possible,and may yet be rendered very o fiensiv e by THE AR T OF CON VER SA TION

a hi u the tone and m nner in w ch they are prono nced . Never reply,in answer to a question like the following, ’ itewell ll Did Mrs . Sp te you how Mis s Rosebud s marriage en I l was getting did not ask . It is amost like say ing,I never ask impertinent questions,though yo u do we learn plenty of things in the world witho ut havin g first If ou u inquired about them . y m st say,you did not ask, “ s “ say,tha you forgot to as neglected i or did not al think of it . We can ways be ordinarily civil,even if we l lu l cann ot a ways be abso te y wise . Except in mere sport and raillery,and where a little extrav aganza is the order of the moment,always when you

‘ answer,or speak in reply to an observation mad e,s peak ui to the true and just import of what is said . Leave q b fi blin g of every kind to lawyers pleading at the bar for the life of a culprit;in society and conversation it is inv ariab ly / out of place,unless when Laughter is going his merry

At all din . round. other times it is a proof of bad bree g Y ou must not overstretch a proposition,neither must you overstretch or spin out a jest,that has done its duty for few can be made to rebound after they have once come to the ground. An other mode of being rude,is to collect,and have at command,all the set phrases used by uncivil persons,in hin order to Say what they fancy very sharp and severe t gs . Such a collector, jealous perhaps of the attention with “ which a pleas ant guest is listened to,may break in upon the most harmless discourse with the words , I think you ” l ml lie under a mistake . The term may in itse f be har ess, b ut its application is at all times rude,coarse and decidedly “ La Bruyere tells us ;that rudeness is not a fixed and inherent vice of the min d,b ut the result of other vices ” ni la n it springs, he says, from va ty, ignorance, zi ess. from being constantly displayed in exterior department, T THE AR T 0 p CON VERSA ION. 1 1

and from being thus always visible and manifest and is o ffensive in character and degree according to the source

from which it takes its rise . We next come to the loud talker,the man who silences a u A whole party by his sole power of l ngs . ll subjects are

‘ alike to him he speaks on ev ery topic with equal fluency, is never at a loss,quotes high authority for every assertion, and allows no one else to utter a word he silences,without the least ceremony,every attempt at interruption,however ” cleverly managed - calls out, I beg your pardon, in a

- — tone that shows how ill used he thinks himself, or shuts ” your mouth with One,minute,if you please,sir " as

u ou u l ill- ll m ch as to say, y are s re y a very bred fe ow. Great,and especially loud and positive talkers,have been denounced by all writers on manners as shallow and super And Andre u f P . o ficial persons . , the a thor a French Essay on the Beautiful ,declares distinctly,that no man l ’ o f sense was ever a great ta ker. Next to the talker,we have the man who gives an ac

u o f his l ands ictures co nt dogs, horses, ands, books, g . Whatever is his,must,he thinks,interest others and lis ten they must,however resolutely they may attempt to his di u change the current of sco rse . Women of this class are sometimes too fond of praisi ng hildr It u l I their c en . is no do bt an amiab e weakness b ut would still advise them to indulge as little as possible in the practice for however dear the rosy- cheeked,curly- headed prattlers may be to them,the chances are,that others will ve te the darlings to be great bores yo u that hav e children, Y ou never speak of them in company. must not even praise your near relations ;for the subject deprives the hearer of all power to dissent,and is therefore clearly

In the same line is the clever bore,who takes up every dl i e speech,to show his wisdom at a cheap rate . If you ” say, Hang the weather 1 before such a man,he immedi THE AR T or N E S T 1 2 CO V R A ION. ately proves,by logical demonstrations,that the weather u has no neck by which it can be s spended. The grave u trmsms l l expo nder of be ongs to this c ass . He cannot allow the simplest conversation to go on,without entering into proofs and details familiar to every child nine years of age and the tenor of his discourse,however courteous in

planet,in total and absolute ignorance of the most ordinary and every- day things connected with this little world of

ur All i i ul rl hi l o s . fore gners are part c a y great at t s sty e of boring. Then you have the indifferent and apathetic bore,who hardly condescends to pay the least attention to what you say and who,if he refrains from the direct and absolute rudeness of yawning in your face,shows,by short and drawling answers,given at fits and starts,and completely at variance with the object of the conversation,that he affects at least a total indifference to the party present,and to the subject of discourse In society,the absent man is ‘ uncivil he who afiects to be so,is rude and v ulgar, All persons who speak of their ailings,diseases,or bodily infir ' i u h mities,are o fiens v e bores. S bjects of t is sort should be

' addressed to doctors,who are paid for listening to them, f ili l . and to no one e se Bad taste is the a ng of these bores. Then we have the ladies and gentlemen who pay long visits, and who,meeting you at the door prepared to sally forth, keep you talking near the fire till the beauty of the day is passed and then take their leave, hOping they have not u l detained yo . Bad fee ing or want of tact here pre dominates . Hobby- riders, who constantly speak on the same — eternal subject, who bore yo u at all times and at all hours, — whether yo u are in health or in sickness, in spirits or in sorrow,with the same endless topic,must no tbe over looked in our list ; though it is sufilcient to denounce THE A rr or N E SA T CO V R ION . 1 3

m h r li the . T ei fai ng is occasioned by a total want of judg

The Ma laprops are also a numerous and unhappy family, for they are constantly addressing the most unsuitable s divi u l l peeches to in d a s or parties . To the b ind they will speak of fine pictures and scenery and will entertain a person in deep mourning with the anticipated pleasures of ’ - ll A al to morrow s ba . tot want of ordinary thought and l u Mala m li observation,is the genera ca se of the p p fai ng. Let us add to this very imperfect list the picture of a “ ” “ bore described by Swift . Nothing, he says, is more generally exploded than the folly of talking too much ," yet I rarely remember to have seen fiv e people together, where some one among them hath not been predominant in that kin d,to the great constraint and disgust of all the But u l in ul u rest. among s ch as dea m tit des of words ,none are comparable to the sober,deliberate talker,who pro ceedeth with much thought and caution, maketh his preface,brancheth out into several digressions,findeth a hint that putteth him in mind of another story,which he pro mise s to tell you when this 1 s done,cometh back regu larly to his subject,cannot readily call to mind some ’ person s name,holdeth his head,complaineth of his mem ory ;the whole company all this while in suspense at las t An d says,it is no matter,and so goes on . to crown the bus iness,it perhaps proveth at last a story the company has heard heard fifty times before,or at best s ome insipid

To this we may add,that your cool,steady talkers,who speak with the care and attention of professors demo nstrat ing mathematical problems,—who weigh, measure and — balance every word they utter, are all decided objeetion l e l u ab es in society. It is ne d ess to say,that s ch persons a nev er blunder,and never stumble over a potato a n r matter of little recommendatio . In conversation the e must b e,as in love and in war,some hazarding,some rat THE AR T or CoN VER A T 1 4 s ION . tling on nor need twenty falls affect you,so long as you take cheerfulness and good humor for your guides b ut the careful and measured conversation just de scribed is always, — though perfectly correct, extremely dull and tedious a lu l vast b nder from first to ast. “ There are also many persons who commence speaking ill before they know what they are going to say. The natured world,who never miss an opportunity of being li a s evere,declare them to be foo sh and destitute of br ins . I shall not go so far ;b ut hardly know what we should think of a sportsman who would attempt to bring down a ird u before he had loaded his g n.

x,I have purposely reserved the egotistical bor e for the h li ul l i las t on t is short and imperfect st. It is tr y revo t ng, indeed,to approach the very B oa- constrictor of good s oci ety ;the snake who comes upon us,no t in the natural form of a huge,coarse,slow reptile,b ut Proteus - like,in a thousand different forms though all displaying at the firs t sight the boa-bore,ready to slime ov t of discourse with the vile saliva of selfish it is repulsive even to speak of the speci es,numerous ,too,as l the sands a ong the shore . Some of the clas s make no c eremony of immediately intruding themselves and their affairs on the attention of a whole party of silencing every other subject started,how ever interesting to company,merely that they may " the u mi occ py the pro nent and most conspicuous position . O thers again are more dexterous,and with great art will lie will ll on the watch to hook in their own praise. They ca a witness to remember they always foretold what would happen in such a case,b ut none would believe themthey advised such a man from the beginning,and told him the consequences just as they happened ;b ut he would h ave his m v ll own way. Others ake a anity of te ing their own faults they are the strangest men in the world ;they can not dissemble ;they o wn it is a folly ;they have lost H A N T E R T OF CON VERSA TIO . 1 5

abundance of advantages by it b ut if you would give them the world,they cannot help it there is something in their nature that abhors insincerity and constraint,with many uff l l u us other ins erab e topics of the same a tit de . Th , though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves,it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he l all never speaks of himse f at . L a Bruyere says, T he great charm of conversation con ’ sists less in the display of one s own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw forth the resources of others ; he who leaves you after a long conversation,pleased with hims elf and the part he has taken in the discourse,will be ir a ou your warmest adm er. Men do not care to dmire y , they wish you to be pleased with them they do not seek for instruction or even amusement from your discourse, b ut they do wish you to b e made acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation ;and the true man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they a ” have appe red to advantage . I have no desire to condemn my readers to eternal s ilence b ut must inform them that it is not so easy to shine as a u lu u in conversation m ny s ppose. F ency of tong e and a little modest assurance,though very well for impos ing on the unwary,go b ut a short way when you h ave to l w r ll l dea ith those who a e rea y worth p easing.

ine How can a person sh by convers ation in elegant and educated society,whose thoughts have never ranged beyond the gratification of foolish vanity and mean selfishness ; who has never reflected on life,men and manners whose mind has not turned to the con templation of the works and wonders of nature and who,in the events of his own time, h as not seen the results of the many deeds of s orr ow, shame,greatness,and glory,that crowd the pages of the ’ world s variegated annals Whoever woul d shine in polite dis course must at least be well versed in the philosophy of THE AR T F A TI ' 1 6 O CON VERS ON . l s a a u wi l and ife,and po sess , fair cq aintance th genera u al hi u l An d u nat r story,and the o t ines of science. tho gh he need be neither a poet n6r an artist,he must be well read 1 n poetry and acquainted with fine arts because it is only by their study that taste can be cultivated and fancy u A l fine g ided. fami iarity with the arts is necessary,in fact,to give him a just perception of the sublime and beau ul, v r u wh ence our l tif the e y fo ndation x emotions of de ight u An m shine m st arise. y one atte pting to in conversation, without possessing the trifling acquirements here men — tioned, for I have said nothing of learning and science,

' will most assuredly make an indiflerent figure ,and had better therefore content himself with simply pleasing b y unaffected cheerfulness and good humor,which is within all reach of . As to subjects for conversation,what difficulty canthere be about them Will not books,balls ,bonnets and meta physics furnish pleasant topics of discourse Can you not speak of the

Philosophy and science,and th e springs ” Ofwonder,and th e wisdomofth e world ?

Are flirtatious,travelin g,love and speech- making at an surface so perfectly stationary that you can find nothing to r l s ay about them No,no,let us not deceive ou se ves we never wapt subjects of conversation b ut we often want the ' knowledge how to treat them above all,how to bring them forward in a graceful and pleasing manner. We often want observation and a just estimate of character,and do

‘ not know how,in the present defective state of society, any passing remark intended to open a conversation may

‘ “ be received. Cheerfulness,unaffected cheerfulness,a sincere desire to please and be pleased,unchecked by any efforts to shine, are the qualities you must bring with you into society,if

THE AR T OF CON ERSA TION 1 8 V . ish his op1 nl o ns l a perhaps to reprove his conduct,and no well-bred man goes inte society for the purpos e of s er n zin mo i g. All local wits,all those whose jests are understood only within the range of their o wn circle or coterie,are decided o ectionab les l e ill bj in genera soci ty. It is the height of breeding,in fact,to converse,or jest,on subjects that are not perfectly understood by the party at large ;it is a spe cies of rude mystification,as unciv il as whispering,or as Speaking in language that may not be familiar to some of the B ut o u u u party. y m st not make a fool of yo rself,even if o thers show themselves deficientin good manners and must not,like inflated Sl mpleto ns,fancy yourself the ob j ect of every idle jest yo u do not understand,or of ev ery

ies an en laugh that chance may have called forth . L ad d g tlemen l n l u di ul fee that they are either a ghed at nor ri c ed. In society,the object of conversation is of course enter tainment and improvement,and Fit must,therefore,be adapted to the circle in which it is carried on,and must be neither to o high nor too deep for the party at large,so

u his u lea that every one may contrib te , share,j st at his p s ure e his il L et hr o ld ,and to the b st of ab ity. no two or t ee Indians,o ld school- fellows,or old brother campaigners, s eize upon the conv ersation to themselves,discuss their former adventures,and keep the rest of a party listening silently to an animated conversation about exploded stories, hic a as l l of w h they know nothing and c re itt e. Lord Chesterfield advis es his son to speak often,b ut no t to Speak much at a time so that if he do es not please, ” ll l an e A he wi not at least disp ease to ygr at extent. good observer should easily,I think,be able to dis cover whether

l ' h e p eases or not . “ Rousseau tells us,that persons who know little talk a great deal,while those who know a great deal say very little . Ifthe discourse is of a grav e or s erious nature,and inter THE AR T or N ERS T N CO V A IO . 1 9

esting to the p arty,or to any number of the party,never break in upon it with any display of idle wit or levity for nothing shows s o great a want of good manners nor must yo u ever ridicule or doubt the existence of any noble enthusiasm that may have called forth expressions of admi ration ;for there is no want o f high worth,patriotism, n honor and disi terestedness on earth . Your incredulity might therefore b e unjus t,and it is at all times a proof of / b ad s ul ta te to ridic e what others admire . If yo u join in the graver conversation,intended to move the deep er feelings of the heart,do so witho ut affectation, without overstretching sentiments,or bringing in far " fetched ideas for the sake of producing efiect,otherwise l u you wi l be s re to fail. Avoid,above all,when on such topics,any stringing together of unmeaning words for bad as the practice of substituting sound for sense is at all times,it is doubly so when conversation takes the direction of which we are speaking,as it then shows the j ingler to l ll a lf want fee ings as we as ide s . Speak from the heart,w en you speak to the heart ;only making judgment prune the e xpressions of deep feeling,without checking the noble ll s entiments that may have ca ed them forth . The reason which renders this pruning system advisable is,that society swarms with worthy,respectable persons, poss essing an ordinary share of superficial good- nature,b ut s o destitute of actual feeling,as not even to understand its language ‘and who,without being scoffers,will be inclin ed mi d to laugh at expressions that convey no ideas to their n s . The same reason s hould serve as a warning to all gentle men against writing love-letters ;for if a gentle swain is really and truly in love,he will write under excited feel ings and a letter written with a palpitating h eart, threatening to break a rib at every throb,can hardly fail to appear a little ridiculous 1 n the eyes of all w ho may not chance to be exactly l n the same frame of mind,or pos w the r s essed of the s ame degree of feeling ith write . HE A T or ON VES A T N 20 T R C IO .

There is a giggling and laughing tone,in which ladies — and gentlemen sometimes endeavor to speak, an attempt to continue a series of jests from th e first to last,which is l no t only foolish,b ut actual y offensive . Conversation can never be kept up to the laughing point during a whole evening,- not e ven during a morning visit ;and efforts to excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as r ri u overstrained efforts to g oan and g mace it. The nat ral flo w of discourse must b e calm and serene ;if wit,whim, “ fun and fire are present,they will not fail to flash brightly along its surface b ut they can never constitute the main l body of the stream itse f. Different parties,different tones no doubt,and an assem b ly of grave doctors and professors,meeting to discuss some learned subject,may treat it in their own way here l 1 s s We can only speak of genera society. It aid,that the g uests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed the u ll l number of the M ses,nor fa be ow that of the Graces. And this may b e true ;b ut a party of three or four is al ready very different in character,- independent of the difference occasioned by the characters of the guests,- from ll what a party of eight or nine will be . In sma parties of u l e flu But thi s kind,n mbers a one xercise great in ence. large or small,always recollect that yo u can have no ri ght to complain of the dullness of the conversation,unless yo u ' u ur efiorts e e ul have contrib ted yo best to r nder it ch erf . Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being silent in company,as this often results from the nat ure of the party,which may be ill- assorted,though composed of

e des rving people . No one o n maintain a conversation by himself ;the very best speaker must still be aided by others,who must lend assistance in the proper spiril,befit ting the nature of the discourse ;for a rude and forward person,wishing to shine,can easily crush th e efforts of the

' most perfect gentleman,and give an unfavorable tone and tur a le s n n n to p a a t conversatio . THE A R T or N V R T CO E SA ION. 21

In ordinary conversation,the modulation and proper management of the v 0 1 ce 1 s a point to which I would par ticularly call the attention of young ladies for a fine and ” melodious voice, sweet as music on the waters, makes

- b at e l the heart strings vi r e to there v ry core . This can on y ' be done by a certain degree of c onfidence,and by a to tal absence of affectation for uncertainty,agitation and striv ing for effect are always ruinous to the voice o i' the speaker, which is cons tantly running against breakers,or getting u fl I am n t di pon ats . certai that emper and sposition are far more generally,and more p erfectly marked by. the v oice and manner of speaking,than we are at all willing to ll w a o . The thin,small voice is the most difficult to manage,as it is liable to degenerate into shrillness and ladies who have this kind of voice must keep strict guard over their temper,when within hearing of any one on whom they . may wish to make a favorable impressl o n ;for the very idea of a shrill- vo iced scold makes us place o ur hands to o ur u w l o ears . B t ith a sweet temper,a pretty,litt e,harm n n l u Alwa ll io s voice is p easing eno gh . ys reco ect,however, that affectation,constraint,or striving for effect,is the cer

u re tt e f o l tain r in of the p i st v ice in the wor d . The very deep - toned voice,though extremely effective, when well controlled, has great difficulties ;for unless backed by kind,cheerful and airy feeling,by that bright ” Spirit which is always gladness, it is liable to fall into a coarse,rude and vulgar tone,and should never be heard ll u except at times of bri iant sunshine . The owners of s ch v ol ees should- never think of getting angry,nor even in dulge in saying what they may fancy sharp or severe things, as t e l u h chances are,that they will prove on y r de ones . — Stories,however good and they are often to be recom — ' mended sufler under one of the disadvantages to which anecdo tes are liable,- they do not bear repetition ;and no one can be expected to poss ess a stock that shall furnish THE A R T OF C N RSA T N 22 O VE IO .

a le new and accept b wares on every occasion . They form in conversation the resource of those who want imagina tion,and must be received with indulgence b ut to deserve this favor,they must be short,well told,well pointed,and j udiciously adapted to the feelings and composition of the r pa ty. We have all of us at times known a good story or anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circum stances,as to make a whole party look grave and feel u l ncomfortab e .

” The honor of demolishin g the weavers of long tales shall l be eft to Cowper.

But sedentary weav ers oflong tales Gi e me the fid ets and m atience f v g , y p ails. ’TlS the most asinine employ on earth, To hear themtell ofparentage and b irth ; And echo conv ersations dull and dry, mb lli h it E e s ed W h he said and so sa id I. At ev ery interv iew th eir route the same, The repetition makes attention lame ; We b ris tle up with uns uccessful speed, And in the saddes t art cr —D ro ll inde d p , y , e .

Let the reader only get these verses by heart,and repeat , a line occasionally to show that he recollects them,and we s hall s oon find s ociety relieved from these spinners of dull

Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a grotesque,exaggerated and ludicrous light ;and of extem porizing burlesque anecdotes in a whims ical and amusing c ll use can b e manner . It is a happy gift,of whi h exce ent made in society ;b uttact and taste must,as usual,keep a firm rein,for nothing that is seriously treated by others

turne ' into ul must ever b e burlesqued and d ridic e . The gro tesque style is only applicable when the ground is fairly open,or when jesting,bantering and exaggeration are th e order of the m inute and then it may b e rendered charm i ng . L et no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctio ned THE AR T or CON VERSA TION . 23

" l under this head far from it,indeed . A litt e graceful u l l imitation of actors and p b ic speakers may be al owed . National manners,and the p eculiarities of entire classes,

r di are fai game . French dan es,Yankee bargainers,and English exquisites,may be ridiculed at pleasure yo u may even bring forward Irish porters,cab - drivers and bog- trot — ’ ters, promded you can imitate their wit and humor b ut I do not think I ever saw any mimicry of private individ

l - nals well received by we l bred persons . Nor is this to b e

' wondered at,since mimicry borders so closely on b ufio on ll lu ul di cry, as genera y to end in abso te v garity. La es, however,may be permitted to mimic their friends a little, provided they rarely indulge in the practice,and never s u l transgre s the bo nds of good taste and e egance. o ccasio nall in l in We meet y/ society with persons be ong g to a class,not numerous indeed,b ut deserving notice,as they are mostly ladies ,and often worth reclaiming ;for want of a better term I shall call them Icicles,because they

Ici le only shine and cannot warm . The c s may be kind, clever,of cultivated mind,and in every respect well dis — posed to become agreeable, b ut cannot speak or converse ub a l on any on e s ject . They are const nt y witty and ingeni ous,place every proposition or general question asked,in some amusing,novel or extravagant light,b ut never answer or sp eak up to the point ;so that yo u may converse with them for hours,and be acquainted with them for years, without knowing their opinion upon any one subject ; without knowing even whether they have an Opinion on

' u l ul f any one s bject . Nor does this a ways res t rom afiecta

’ tion,or from efiorts to shine ;it springs as often from a faulty tone,and the fear of not being s ufficiently clever, w em l r u hen att pting to be rationa ,as f om any other so rce . I have seen p ers o ns lo s e a great deal by this absurd system, and fall far short of what they might have been had they merely followed the beaten track ;and as a maxim would have yo u recollect,that few good things are ever said by

l sa di s those who are constant y striving to y extraor nary one . S F R N GENERAL RULE O CO VERSATION.

O

As order or method are of very little\consequence in treating of this subject,I will conclude by giving a series of rules upon the art of conversation,couched in a few words,from which the reader may furnish himself with a competent knowledge of what is to be studied,and what to b e re follo wm e t avoided. There a few of the g sentenc s tha will not furnish a go od deal of thought,or that are to b e u ull u s ome o nsideration nderstood to their f extent witho t c .

Whatever passes in parties at your own or “ another’ s

u ll- b l hi ho se is never repeated by we red peop e . T ngs of no moment,and - which are meant only as harmless jokes, l are iable to produce unpleasant consequences if repeated . To repeat,therefore,any conversation which passes o n such occasi ons,is understood to be a breach of confidence, which should banish the offender from the pale of good society.

l u i t 1 11 i As Men of a l sorts of occ pat ons mee soc ety. they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business,you should never,in an evening,speak to a man u n t l l a u l abo t his professio . Do not a k of po itics to jo rna — ist,of fevers to a physician,of stocks to a broker, no r, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost,of education ll r to a co egian . The er or which is here condemned is often committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affa

T 26 GEN ERAL R UL ES F OR CON VERS A I0 1V.

—’ such expressions as ci- deoanz,soi di sant,en masse,couleur de l u c bon o ur rose,etc . Do not s a ute your acq aintan es with y , nor reply to every proposition,ooZontiersf In society,avoid having those p eculiar preferences for some subjects which “ ” b - se u are vulgarly denominated b o by hor s . They make yo r company a bore to all your friends and some kind-hearted creature will take advantage of them and trot you,forthe u amusement of the company . Every attempt to obtr de on a company subjects either to which they are indifferent,or e of which they ar ignorant,is in bad taste .

Man should b e taught as though y ou taught himnot, thin s r t ” And things unknown proposed as g fo go .

A u u his din man is,q ite s re to show good or bad bree g h the instant he opens his mouth to talk in company. If e is a g entleman he starts no subject of conversation that can l l possib y be disp easing to any person present . The ground is common to all,and no one has a right to mo no polize any part of it for his own particular opinions,in l l l po itics or re igion . No one is there to make prose ytes,

” b ut every one has been 1 nv ited,to be agreeable and to

He who knows the world,will not be too bashful He l ll no u who knows himse f,wi t be imp dent .

i all Do not endeavor to sh ne in companies . Leave room fo r your hearers to i mag i ne something within yo u beyond all o u a And m y have s id . reme ber,the more yo u are ou ll praised,the more y wi be envied .

There is no surer Si gn of vulgarity than the perpetual

o a fine thin s o u o b sting of the , g y have at home . If y u speak of your silver,of your jewels,of your costly apparel, it will be taken for a sign that yo u are either lying,or that ’ yo u were,not lo ng ago,somebody s washerwoman,and L E ON GENERAL R U S FOR C VERSA TION . 7

cannot forget to be reminding everybody that yo u are not

so now.

Yo u need no t tell all the truth,unless to those who have all But let all o u ll ru a right to know it . y te be t th .

Insult not another for his want of a talent yo u possess ou P he may have o thers,which y want. raise your friends

and let your friends praise yo u.

If yo u treat your inferiors with familiarity,expect the

h o u . all s ame from t em. If y give a jest,take one Let u J sometincies sad yo r jokes be truly jokes . esting ends in

earnest .

u o o If a favor is asked of yo ,grant it,if y u can . If n t, refuse it in such a manner,as that one denial may be fi i su c e nt.

If yo u are in company with a distinguished gentleman — as a governor,or senator yo u will not be perpetually try ing to trot o ut his titles ,as it would make yo u appear like a lackey or parasite,who,conscious of no merits of your

o wn . o . lift l , are trying t , yourse f by the company of u u tl a o u ll l others . In introd cing s ch a gen em n,y wi mere y “ ” call him governo r, or senator, and afterwards avoid u all all sion to his rank .

If yo u would render yourself pleasing in social parties, never speak to gratify any particular y anity or passion of your own,b ut always aim to interest o r amuse others by themes which yo u know are in accordance with their tastes and u r n ell— s ll nde standi gs . Even a w bred mini ter wi avoid introducing his professional habits and themes at such l p aces . He knows that the guests were not invited there to lis ten to a sermom,and there may be s ome who differ ENER L UL ES F OR N ER S T 28 G A R CO V A ION .

with him in o pinions,who - would have good reason to feel l s ul u l themse ves in ted by being th s forced to isten to him .

Reproof is a medicine like mercury or Opium ;If it b e improperly administered,with report either to the adviser ll or the advised,it wi do harm instead of good .

Nothing is more unmannerly than to reflect on any man ’ s u l fi profession,sect,or nat ra in rmity . He who stirs up ’ against himself another s s elf-love,provokes the s trongest

pass1 ons i n human nature .

Be careful of your word,even in keeping the most trifling But l appointment . do not b ame another for a failure of ll o u hi x that kind,ti y have heard s e cuse .

Never offer advice,b ut where there is some probability

llo of its being fo wed.

If you find yourself i n a company which violently abuses an absent friend of yours,yo u need not feel that yo u are ll u lu You ll ca ed upon to take p the,c b for him . wi do bet ter by saying mildly that they must have been misinformed — that yo u are proud to call him your friend,which you could not do if you did not know him to be incapable of A such things as they had heard . fter this,if they are gentlemen,they will stop—indeed,if they had been gen tlemen,they Would hardly have assailed an absent one in a mixed party ;and if yo u feel constrained to quit their

‘ ' fi our own l - company,it will b e no sacri ce to y i se f respect or

honor.

Fools pretend to foretell what will be the issue of things, is and are laughed at for their awkward conjectures . IV e men ,being aware of the uncertainty of human affairs,and having observed how small a matter often produces a great t change,are modest in their conjec ures . GEJVECRAL R UL ES FOR ON ERSA T N C V IO . 29

’ alk u u u He who t s too fast,o tr ns his hearer s tho ghts . He who speaks too slow,gives his hearer pain by hinder i ng his thoughts,as a rider who frets his horse b y reining

him in too much .

Never think to entertain people with what lies o ut of u u their way,be it ever so c rio s in its kind . Who would

think of . regaling a circle of ladies with the beauties of

’ Homer s Greek,or a mixed company with Sir Isaac New ’ ton s disco veries

t— Do well,b ut do no boast of it . For that will lessen the

o u w v commendation y might other ise have deser ed.

ask u u c cu In Never a q estion nder any ir mstances. the first place,it is too proud in the second place,it may be l very inconvenient or very awkward to give a rep y . A lady inquired of what branch of medic al pracgice a certain gen l midw er tleman was professor . He he d the chair of if y "

man l l To offer advice to an angry ,is ike b o wmg against a tempest.

' Too much preciseness and sqlemnity in pronouncing n o nv ers atio n if ne what one says in co mme i c ,as o was preaching, is generally taken for an indication of s elf conceit and arrogance .

l lu Make your company a rarity,and pe ople wi l va e it. l Men despise what they can easi y have .

ho ul Value truth,however yo u come by it. W wo d not pick up a jewel that lay on a dung- hill

The beauty of behavior consists in themanner,not the

u - u matter of yo r disco rse .

t is no t in good taste for a lady to ” No,sir, to a gentleman,or fre quen ” wb rd Sir, at the end of her sentence,unless she desire ENE L UL ES F OR N ERSA TI 30 G RA R CO V ON .

to be exceedingly reserved toward the pers on with whom she o v ers in is qn g .

If your superior treats you with familiarity,it will not b ou therefore ecome y to treat him in the same manner .

- A goodw ay to avoid impertinent and pumpmgz-mq ui ri es, w h u t o An is by ans ering with anot er q es i n . evasion may l u B ut lie u l v . u a so ser e the p rpose a is inexc sab e _o _any o ccasion,especially when used to conceal the truth from o ne wh o u has no a thority to demand it .

To reprove with success,the following circumstances are

‘ l c necessary,viz . : mi dness,secre y,intimacy,and the esteem o f the person yo u would reprove .

If you be nettled with severe raillery,take care never to show that yo u are stung,unless yo u choose to provoke u to more . The way to avoid being made a b tt,is not set ; u p for an archer.

To set up for a critic is bullying mankind .

Reflect upon the different appearances things make to ’ yo u from what they . did some years ago,and don t imagine that your Opinion will never alter,becauseJ o n are extremely e o f u s po sitive at present . Let the rem mbrance yo r pa t l changes of sentiment make you more flexib e .

If ever yo u were in a passion,did you not find dam n afterwards to be s orry for it,and will yo u:again allow your self to be guilty of a weakness,which will c ertainly be in the same manner followed by repentance,besides being attended with pain

any b ut men of sense and temper.

o trouble people with talking to o much w ’ ou are ull ou either of yourself,or your afiairs . If y f of y r 'EN’ER L R UL ES F OR C N VER TI H' G A O SA O . 31

self,consider that yo u,and your affairs,are not so interest o u ing to other people as to y .

Keepsilence sometimes,upon subj ects which you are u l known to be a judge of. So yo r si ence,where yo u are

r - o ignorant,will not discove y u.

To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is nu gentlemanly,and,if addressed to a lady, they become l ul positive y ins ting.

There is a vulgar custom,too prevalent,of calling almost ” everybody colonel in this country,of which it is suffi cient to say,that this false us e of titles prevails most — ” among the lower ranks of society afact which sufficiently stamps upon it its real character,and renders it,to say the least,a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to ‘ l 7 the tit e .

l b ut l lik d l Think ike the wise ta k e or inary peop e . Never go out of the common road,b ut for somewhat

’ Don t dispute against facts well established,merely b e u u u l in m ca se there is somewhat nacco ntab e the . That the world should be created of nothing is to us inconceivable

b ut not therefore to be doubted .

As you are going to a party of mirth, ink of the hazard do not r,reflect how

yo u have behaved . If well,be it is more than i If otherw b e a u you could have prom sed. more c ref l utu for the f re .

It will never do to be ignorant of the names and ap proximate ages o f great composers, especially in large cities,where musrc i s so highly appreciated and so com

‘ It ll dl m if o mon a theme. wi be decide y conde natory y u L R UL E F R N E S T N 32 GENERA S O CO V R A IO .

‘ ” ’ talk of the new Opera j D o n Giovanni, or Rossini s ” “ ” Trovato re, or are ignorant who composed Fidelio, and in what opera occur s uch common pieces as Ofuscan ’ ‘ ’ e ret a trifles lo dice, or R S g o . I do not s y that these are indispensable,and when a man has better knowledge to offer,especi ally with genius or cleverness to back it, he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them,b ut

’ ‘ caneven take a high tone,and pro fess indiflerence or con e But ti u i t mpt of them . ,at the same me,s ch gnorance c onv ersatio stamps an ordinary man,and hinders h.

’ “ Don t talk of the opera in the presence of those who ot u ll are n freq enters of it. They wi imagine that you are showing off,or that yo u are lying,and that you have never u li th been to the opera ty pe in yo r fe . For e sanie reason, speakin g of your am amtance with s yo u are a public man yourself,who ul b e u u u wo d s pposed to have s ch acq aintance .

u l s l Do not sit d mb in company. That ook either ike u u ni pride,cunning,or st pidity . Give yo r opi on modestly, b ut freely ;hear that of others with candor ;and ever en deav or find out and u u to , to comm nicate tr th .

In mixed company,be readier to hear than to speak,and

I ut l u l i i p peop e pon ta king of what is n the r own way. For then you will both oblige them,and be most likely to im i prove by their conversat on.

Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treat ing with the least appearance of neglect those who have l t l tu u l a e y met with misfor nes,and are s nk in ife . Such perso ns are apt to think themselves sligh ted,when no such t r l thing is in ended . Thei minds being a ready s ore,feelthe And ul least rub very sev erely. who wo d be so cruel as to add affliction to the afflicted

E A R ES F R C N VER SA TI 2 34 GEN R L UL O O 0 V.

libertinism . Take care that your virtues be genuine and unsophisticated .

Never ask any one who is co nv ersmg W1 th yo u to repeat u his words . Nothing is r der than to say, Pardon me,. ” will yo u repeat that sentence ? I did not hear yo u at first, and thus imply that your attention was wanderingwhen he

a Wh en we s peak of ourselves and another person,whether he is absent or present,propriety requires us to mention

' l t u e shoul mok] n ur l . w d he a o u a d o se ves as Th s say, ,y I.

If a man is tellin g that which is as old as the hills,or which you believe to b e false,the better way 1 s " to le t him ul o u u ma l u go on. Why sho d y ref se a n the p eas re of b e lieving that he is telling you something which you never heard before Besides,by refusing to believe ’ him,or by telling him that his story is old,you not only mortify him, b ut the whole company is made uneasy,and,by sympathy, m rti c i share his o fi at o n.

e i n l u Never notice it if others make mistak s ang age . To notice by word or look such errors m those ardund you,is

a ll l e Avoid r i ery and sarcasm in socia parti s . They are weapons which few can use and b ecause you happen to have a razor in your po ssessmn,that is no reason why yo u should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest who are li unarmed . Ma cious jests at the expense of those who are pres ent or absent,show that he who uses them is devoid n s nd enllem n e both of the insti ct a habits of a g a . Wh re two individuals or the whole company agree to banter each other with good- natured sallies of wit,it is very pleasant, but l s ill - l the ea t taint of nature spoi s all. E L F OR CON V S TI GEN RA RULES ER A ON . 35

If upon the entrance of a visitor yo u continue a conver sation begun before,you should always explain the subject

- to the new comer.

If there is any one in the company whom yo u do not know,be careful how you let o ff any epigrams or pleasant Y ou wi u little sarcams . might be very tty pon halters to

a man whose father had been hanged . The first requisite “ u ul is u l for s ccessf conversation to know yo r company we l.

. ‘ X Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into personalities,and keep a strict reserve upon family mat

A o u can the l ters . void, if y , seeing ske eton in your ’ friend s closet,b ut if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence,and never betray your

knowledge to a third party .

l l a Listen attentive y and patient y to wh t is said. It is a great and difi cult talent to be a good listener,b ut it is one

hi ll - c ui t Q w ch the we bred man has to a q re,at wha ever pains . Do not anticipate the point of a story which another per son i s reciting,or take it from his lips to finish it in i your own u . To do this s a great breach of eti 6lang age

u t Dr . J ohnson,whose rep ta ion as a talker was hardly less than that which he acquired as a writer,prided himself on the appositeness of his quotations,the choice of his words,

’ his l and the correctness of expressions . Had he ived in this age of progress, he would have discovered that his lexicon was not only incomplete,b ut required numerous

emendations . We can fancy the irritab le moralist endeav oring to comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is ” aw ad, or tha“t of a young gentleman,when he asserts that his c oat is played out 36 GEN ERAL R UL ES F OR CON VERSA TIONT

Avoid the us e of proverbs in conversation,and all sorts

o of cant phrases . This error is,I believe,censured by L rd

' Chesterfield,and is one of the most offensively vulgar can which a person c ommit .

o f It is bad manners to satirize lawyers ,l n the presenc e lawyers,or doctors in the pres ence of one of fl at calling, . all l and so of the professions . Nor should yo u rai against bribery and corruption in the presence of politicians, "especially of a New York politician,)or members of Con gress,as they will have good reason to suppose th at v o u are l s hinting at them . It is the aim of po itenes to leave the arena of social intercourse untainted with any s everity

l u e are l e and of ang age,or bittern ss of feelin g. There p ac s occasions where wrong must be exposed and reproved,b ut it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to attempt such ’ things at your own or another s social party,whereevery thing is carefully to be avoided that can in the least dis ur h all t b the happiness of any one . For t is reason kinds of controversies are,as a general rule,to be avoided at

Any conversation "that is not interdicted by decency and propriety) which can be pleasing to the whole com A u ru pany,is desirable . m sement, more than inst ction l no t even,is to be sought for in social parties . Peop e are supposed to come together o nsuch o ccasions because th ey are ignorant and need teachin g,b ut to seek amusement

. l a All th e and relaxation from professional and dai y c res . English books on etiquette tell yo u that punning is s cru “ ” ulo usl ci ale - u p y to be avoided as a spe es of ho se wit . and a n u u ll u o n the savage remark of Dr . Johnso is s a y q oted But u subject . p nning is no more to be avoided than any o ther kind of wit and if all wit is to b e banished from the Al l d s ocial circle,it will be left a stupid affair indeed . kin s of wit,puns by no means excep ted,give a delightful relish ENE L F R CON V R TI0 G RA RULES O E SA 2V. 37 to social parties when they spring up naturally and spon taneo usl o ut B ut y of the themes of conversation . for a man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to make himself ridic ulous,and to annoy the whole c ompany, no l ll u l and is,therefore,what gent eman wi be g i ty of.

Talk as little of yourself as possible,or of any science or

u h ou ui b siness in whic y have “acq red fame . There is a banker in New York who is always certain to occupy the time of every party he gets into,by talking of his per cents, ' — and boasting that he began life wtfizouza cent which every one readily believes ;and if he were to add that he began

e in a i - en ul l fif p g p ,they wo d be ieve that too .

If you put on a proud carriage,people will want to know at ou u And wh there is in y to be pro d of. it is ten to one whether they value your accomplishments at the same rate as o u And ou a r ll y . the higher y spi e,they wi be the more o desirous to mortify y u.

o thm u u l - i N g is more na seo s than apparent se f sufi c ency. For it shows the company two things,which are extremely disagre eable : that you hav e a high opl ni o n of yourself,

t f ou i l i 1 u and ha y have comparat ve y a mean op n o of them .

u u It is the conc ssion of passions that prod ces a storm .

' l ill l o fi hi s l Let an angry man a one,and he w coo m e f.

It is b ut seldom that v ery remarkable occurrences fall

l f Th e u m will o ut in i e . evenness of yo r te per be in most danger of being troubled by trifies which take yo u by

ur r s e s p i .

i t is as obliging in company,especially of superiors,to

ai mn l listen attentively,as to talk entert g y.

’ ’ Don t think of knocking out another p erson s brains,b e

' e ou It ll a l caus h e difiers in Opinio n from y . wi be s rationa TI N 38 GENERA L R ULES F OR CON VERSA O .

to knock yourself on the head,because you differ from

yourself ten years ago .

’ If you want to gain any man s good opinion,take par ticular care how yo u behave,the first time you are in com l o u fir to pany with him . The ight y appear in at st, one l ll ill ou will who is neither inc ined to think we or , of y , l strong y prejudice him either for or against you .

Good humor is the only shield to keep o ff the darts of l ou h u ll and the satirical rai er. If y ave a q iver we stored, are s ure of hitting him between the joints of the harness, ut ou u do not spare him . B y had better not bend yo r bow tha mm n miss your .

e l Th modest man is se dom the object of envy.

l di l s l In , the company of a es,do not abor to e tab ish

l - u learne d points by ong winded arg ments . They do not

o care to take too much pains to find ut truth .

Y o u will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a story,ev en though h e is making historical mistakes in

o n ul dates and facts . If he makes mistakes it is his w fa t, and it is not your business to mortify him by attempting to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he u ll is ambitio s to stand we .

In a dispute,if you cannot reconcile the ‘ parties,with draw from them . Y ou will surely make one enemy,per haps two,by taking either side in an argument when the e l r sp akers have ost thei temper.

dis ute r l di n l Do not p in a pa ty of a es and ge t emen . If a gentleman advances an opinion which "is different from ideas you are known to entertain,either appear not to have

diff i him l l Y ou heard it,or er w th as gent y as possib e . ” will not say, Sir,yo u are mistaken " Sir, you are T N GENERAL R ULES F OR CON VERSA IO . 39

” “ wrong " or that yo u happen to know better b ut you — will rather us e some such phrase as, Pardon me if I am mi e will c not staken, tc . This give him a chan e to say some such civil thing as that he regrets to disagree with you ; and if he has not the good manners to do it,you have,at any rate,established your own manners as those of a gen " eman n And ou h tl i the eyes of the company . when y ave done that,yo u need not trouble yourself about any opin n r u io s he may advance cont ary to yo r own .

' If you talk sentences,do not at the same time give your i self a mag sterial air in doing it . An easy conversation is l l ll the on y agreeab e one,especia y in mixed company.

Be sure of the fact,before you lose time in searching for

If yo u have a friend that will reprove your faults and foibles,consider yo u enjoy a blessing,which the king r upon the th one cannot have .

In disputes upon moral or scientific points,ever let your aim be to come at truth,not to conquer your oppo

ou ll nent . So y never sha be at a loss in losing the argu ni di ment,and gai ng a new scovery.

What may be very entertaining in company with i gnorant people,may be tiresome to those who kn ow more of the u l matter than yo rse f.

There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal type of city women,who never get into the country,b ut they employ their time i n trying to astonish the country p eople with narrations of the fine things they left behind

i t l l lo wi them in the city . If they have a d r y itt e c set, th

lu l e ll ll libr r ten va e ess books in it,th y wi ca it their a y . If

ll r o u i they have some sma o m,that is sed as k tchen,par:

‘ lor,and dining- roo m,they will magnify it into a drawing R F OR N VE T 40 GENERAL ULES CO RSA ION .

r om An u l o . d a h ndred other lizle s1 gns of their grew vulgarity they will constantly insist on exhibiting to their c un u o o try a dit rs .

P ut yourself on the same level as the person to whom yo u speak,and under penalty of b eing considered a pedan tic idiot,refrain from explaining a ny expression or word o u u that y may se .

If yo u are really a wit,remember that in conversation its true office consists more in finding it in others,than s o ff l u l o howing a great dea of it yo rse f. He who g es o ut of your company pleased with himself is sure to b e l o u h p eased with y . Even as great a man as Dr . J o n s o n once 1 etired from a party where everybody had spent th e evening in listening to him,and remarked,as he went “ “ o ut, We have had a pleasant evening,and much excellent c o nversation .

If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs into party,obscenity,scandal,folly,or vice of any kind, yo u had better pass for morose or unsocial,among people whose go od opinion is not worth having,than shock y our o wn conscience by joining in conversation which yo u must disapprove of.

Ifyou would hav e a right a ccount of things from illiter et ll t ate people,l them te their s ory in their own way. If yo u put them upon talking according to logical rules,you will quite confound them .

1 was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman,who was engaged in a friendly argument with another upon a p oint in morals Y ou and I "s ays he to his antagonist] s eem,as far as I hitherto understand,to differ cons idera

if ou le tr l l n o ur . us y opinions Let , y p ase . y wherein we ” h u is tr can agree . The sc eme in most disp tes to y who It shall c onquer,or confoun d the other . is therefore no

GEIVER A L E F N E T L R U S OR CO V RSA ION .

uall l u l l y exposes himse f in company,or r ins himse f in ife. It is therefore easy to determine which is the safest side to err on .

It 1 s a base temper in mankind,that they will not take the smalles t slight at the hand of those who have done

tes them the grea t kindness .

If you fall into the greatest company,in a natural and unforced way,look upon yourself as one of them and do

’ not s neak,nor sufi er any one to treat you un worthily,with o u " o u b But o u t just s howing that y ehavior . if y see "know them dispo s edt o be rude,overbearing,or purse - proud,it will be more decent and less troublesome to retire,than to wrangle with them .

‘ There c annot be any practice more o flensiv e than that of taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company — yet this rudenes s 1 s of frequent occurrence and that with

’ e those who know it to be improp r.

If at any time yo u chance,in conversation,to get on a side of an argument which you find not to be tenable,or any other way over- shoot yourself,turn off the subject in

as u ou ou as e y and good h mored a way as y can . If y pro oecd still,and endeavor,right or wrong,to make your first point good,you will only entangle yourself the more,and u l in the end expose yo rse f.

Never over- pra1 se any absent person,es pecially ladies, in company of ladies , It is the way to bring envy and

ou hatred upon those whom y wish well to .

To try whether your conversation is likely to be accepta b le 0 people of sense,1 mag1 ne what you say written down, or printed,and consider how it would read whether it wo uld appear natural, improving and entertaining ; or afiected,unmeaning,or mischievous . GEJVER AL UL E S F R T R O CON VERSA ION . 43

It is better,in conversation with pos itive men,to turn o ff th e subject in dispute with some merry conceit,than

e u u ke p p the contention to the dist rbance of the company .

Don ’ t give your advice upon any extraordinary emer gency,nor your opinion upon any difficult point,especially in company of eminent persons,without first taking time l b ou hi to de i erate . If y say not ng,it may not be known whether your silence was owing t0 ~the ignorance of the u c ou s bje t or to modesty . If y give a rash and crude i i ou ff u ll c l op n on,y are e ect a y and irre overab y exposed .

If yo u fill your fancy,while you are in company,with suspicions of their thinking meanly of yo u ;if you puff yourself up With imaginations of appearing to them a very witty, o r profound person ;if you discompose yourself with fears of misbehaving before them,or in any way put yours elf out of yourself,you will not appear in your natu ral color,b ut in that of an affected,pers onated character, l which is a ways disagreeable .

It may be useful to study,at leisure,a variety of proper phrases for such occasions as are most frequent in life,as civilities to superiors,expressions of kindn ess to inferiors congratulatio ns,condolence,expressions of gratitude,ac knowledgment of faults,asking or denying of favors,etc . I prescribe no particular phrases,because,o ur lang uage i u ll fiu tatin u ff cont n a y, c g,they m st soon become sti and u l s o f c u r ae nfashionab e . The be t method a q i ing the com plishment of graceful and easy manner of expression for the c o mmon occ asions of life,is attention and imitation of

- l ea well bred peop e . Nothing makes a man app r more contemptible than barrenness ,p edantry,or impropriety o f expression .

A fl A l l m rmi l void attery. de icate comp i ent is pe ssib e in conversation,b ut flattery is b ro ad,coarse,and to sensi 44 GEN ERAL RULES F OR CON VERSA TION

b le l u o u fl peop e,disg sting. If y atter your superiors,they will distrust yo u,thinking yo u have some selfish end ;if yo u flatterladies,they will despise you,thinking yo u have no other conversation .

If y ou meet an ill- bred fellow l n company,whose voice and manners are o ffens1 v e to yo u,yo u cannot resent it at the time,because by so doing yo u compel the whole co m pany to b e spectators of your quarrel,and the pleasure of ul le the party wo d be spoi d .

\ If yo u must speak upon a difficult point,be the last r speake if yo u can .

Y ou will not be agreeable to company,if yo u strive to bring in or keep up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, or humor .

Y o u will never co nv mce a man of ordinary sense by over

o u u bearing his understanding. If y disp te with him in such a manner as to show a due deference fo r his judg ment,your complais ance may win him,though your saucy “ P ul arguments co d not .

Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any as s ertio ns you make,which can possibly be subject to any o w contradiction . He that is peremptory in his n story, may meet with another as positive as himself to contradict him,and then th e two Sir Positives will be sure to have a skirmish .

The frequent us e of the name of God, or the D evil ; allusi ons to passages o f Scripture ;mo cking at anything s erio us and devout,oaths,vulgar b y-words,cant phrases,

n l a er s ill do as el ffe cted hard wo rds ,whe fami i r t m w . w l ; a 7 u s craps of L atin, Greek or F r nc/2 q otations from plays — spok e in a theatrical manner all these,much used in con ). t GENE L F OR CON E S TION. RA RULES V R A p 5 vers ation,render a person very contemptible to grave and m n wise e .

Ifyou send people away from your company well - pleas ed with themselves,yo u n eed not fear b ut they will be well enough pleas ed with yo u,whether they have received any instruction from yo u or not Most people had rather b e l u e p eased than instr ct d .

If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood

n us e o no t o i ten words,never a d zen . Go about to pr v e, by a long series of reasoning,what all the world is ready

f If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with yeu, you o ught in reason to suppose he has some regard for ‘ yo u,else he would no t run the hazard o f dis ob hgi ng you, f d u l ur and rawing pon himse yo hatred .

Do not ruffle or provoke any man ;why should any o ne

/ b e the worse fo r coming into company with yo u Be no t u l Wh o ul o u i man yo rse f provoked . y sh d y g ve any the advantage over yo u

To say that' ene has opi ni ons very different from the se ~ commonly received,is s ay1 ng that he either loves sing u larit k for l c two y,or that he thin s himse f. Whi h of the is the case,can only be found by examining the grounds f o his opinions .

’ Don t appear to the public to o sure,or too eager upon u a e any project . If it sho ld miscarry,which it is a ch nc b ut do e o l u to it s,y u wi l h e laughed at . The s rest way prevent which,is not to tell your designs or prospects in

If you give yourself a lo os e tongue in company,yo u may almost depend o n b ein g pulled to pieces as s o on as your ErVER A 46 G L F OR CON VE S TI0 1 V RULES R A . back is turned,however they may seem entertained with

u s yo r conver ation .

For common conversation, men of ordinary abilities

ll u do ll u nd o u l wi pon occasion we eno gh . A y may a ways ’ pick something out of any man s discourse,by which yo u fi i may pro t . For an ntimate friend to improve by,you must search half a country over,and be glad if you can him find at last.

’ Don t give your time to every superficial acquain tance it is bestowing what is to yo u of inestimable worth,upon no t l k to one who is i ely be the better for it .

l If a person has behaved te you in an unaccountable ’ manner,don t at once conclude him a bad man,unless you find his character given up b y all who know him,nor then,unless the facts alleged against him be undoubtedly But proved,and wholly inexcusable . this is not advising you to trus t a person whose character you have any u u re ason to s spect. Nothing can be more abs rd than the ’ l ‘ u common way of fixing peop e s characters . S ch a one ll u t has disobliged me,therefore he is a vi ain . S ch ano her t has done me a kindness,therefore he is a sain .

Superficial people are more agreeable the first time you o u are in their c mpany,than ev er afterwards . Men of j dg ment improve every succeeding conv ersation beware therefore of judging by one interview.

Y ou will not anger a man so much by showing him that im you hate him,as by expressing a contempt of h .

' Mo st women had rather have any e ftheir goo d qualities u slighted,than their bea ty. Yet that is the most incon l siderab le accomplishment of a woman of rea merit . GENERAL R UL ES F OR CON VERSA TIOM

You will be always reckoned by the world nearly of the ou same character with those whose company y keep .

Y ou Wi ll please so much the les s,1 fyou go into company

hin u e determined to s e . Let yo r conversation app ar to rise o ut of thoughts suggested by the occasion,not s trained or premeditated nature always pleases affectation is l u a ways odio s . O N D R S E S .

IT is hardly necessary to remind the reader that dres s, though often considered a trifling mattei ,is o ne of con ’ siderab le importance,for a man s personal appearance is a “ ” o u l u b s r sort of index and bsc re pro og e to pcha acter.

Lord Chesterfield has said, I cannot help fo rmmg some ’ ” o 1 n1 o n f dr p of a man s sense and character rom his ess .

’ Besides,the appearance of a well- dressed man commands a certain degree of respect which woul d never be shown to

l As haks eare ol a s oven . S p has written, The w r d is still deceived by ornament and there are those who associate fine clothes with fine people s o strongly,that they do not trouble themselves to ascertain whether the wearers are worthy of respect,as others form their Opinions of books by the gilding of the leaves and beauty of the binding .

The dress ofa gentleman should be such as not to excite any special observation,unles s it be for neatness and pre

e u ul en pri ty. The tmost care sho d be exercised to avoid ev the appearance of des iring to attract attention by the pecu liar formation o f any article of attire,or by the display o f an immoderate quantity of jewelry,both being a positiv ul ul u usl e evidence of v garity. His dress sho d be st dio y n at, leaving no other impression than that of a well - dressed gentleman;

Well - bred people do not often dress in what 1 s called the “ ” height of the fashion, as that is generally left to dan

” ON D E 5 0 R SS .

ners do quite as much to set o ff a suit of clothes as clothes

' ofi ul o do to set a gracef pers n .

A dress perfectly suited to a tall,good- lo oking man,may render one wh o is neither ridiculous as although the for mer may wear a remarkable waistcoat o r singular c oat,al mostwith impunit the latter,by adopting a similiar cos um hi lf l u all him t e,exposes mse to the a ghter of who see . An unassuming simplicity in dress should always be pre ferre s fav or the we r d,as it preposse ses every one in of a er. “ Av oid what is called the rufllanly style of dress, or th e nonchalant and slo uchi/ n] appearance of a half- unbutton

' u enderless l a e d vest,and s p panta oons . Th t sort of aflecta tion is if possible even more disgusting than the painfully

elab orate frippery of the dandy.

Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry ;that is u l to n e al s B given p entire y the dominio of f m e ta te . ut

l s o l in adie of go d taste se dom wear it the morning. It is

s erv ni la for ll re ed for eve ng disp y and bri iant parties.

The native independence of American character regards with disdain many of the stringent social laws which are l u recognized in Eng and and on the continent . Th s,the

dress which many of our countrymen adopt for the assem" b ly-room and private parties would subject them to serious

- l annoyance abroad . A frock coat wou d not be tolerated a mo ment in any fashionable society in Europe,and wh ether

' it be esteemed a prej udice o r otherwise,we are free to co n fess that in o ur opinion it is a violation o f good taste,and ’ un ui a b all- b l s ted either to room or private assem y.

‘ l Ne should,however,be far from denying the claim of gentleman to any person,s imply because he we re a frock coat for the fickle goddess,Fashion,tolerates it to a cer tain extent in America b ut ifthe universal custom among th e refin ed and polished memb ers of society were to exclude ozv D ESS R . 51 it,as in Europe,its use would manifest a contempt fo r the e l ul uil opinion of oth rs,of which no gent eman co d be g ty.

If the title of gentleman should depend entirely and ’ l l o ne s conformatie n l u so e y on _ to the aws of . etiq ette,the most unprincipled pro fligate or debauchee might succe ss fully wear it it is,however,b ut the fin ish and polis h of the l— a l jewe not the di mond itse f. If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies concern

’ ing dress in a dictatorial way, and were sure of being

' ob e ed we ul all less H y , sho d order them gener y to dress . o w often do we see a female attired in the height of fashion, perfectly gorgeous in costume,sweeping along the dusty ri u finer — r street,perspi ng nder the weight of her y d essed,_ fit l ‘ in fact,in a manner on y for a carriage . This is a very mistaken and absurd fashion,and such people would be astonished to see the simmicity of real aristocracy as re gards dress .

In our allusions to the dress of a gentleman,we have urged a studied simplicity of apparel ;the same remarks ~ ll l l l I s im licit are equa y app icab e to that of a ady . ndeed, p y ’ l is the grand secret of a lady s toi et. When she burdens herself with a profusion of s owferie she rather detracts from than adds to her personal appearance,while all outré fash ions and ultra styles of dress,though they excite attention, neither win respect nor enh ance the attraction of the e wear r.

Some ladies,perhaps 1mag1n1ng that they are deficient — in personal charms andwe are willing to believe that there are such,although the Chesterfieldian school of philosophers — would ridicule the idea endeavor to make their clothes the ll W i vi l spe of their attraction . ith th s end in ew,they abor by lavish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment u Unf u l what they lack in beauty of form or feat re. ort nate y fo r their success,elegant dressing does not depend up o n ON D ESS 52 R .

l w expense . A ady might ear the costliest silks that Italy could produce,adorn herself with laces from Brussels which years of patient toil are required to fabricate ;she might carry the jewels of an Eastern princess around her neck and upon her wrists and fingers,yet still,in appearance,b e ll l essentia y v u gar. These were as nothing without grace, without adaptation, without a harmonious blending of colors,without the exercl s e of discrimination and good taste .

The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which so harmonizes with the figure as to make the apparel unob t ul r t s erv ed . When any par ic ar po tion of it excites the a tention,there is a defect,for the details should not present themselves first b ut the result of perfect dressing should be an elegantwomaii,the dress commanding no especial re ' b ut indiflerent u l gard. Men are j dges of the materia of a ’ lady s dress in fact,they care nothing about the matter. “ A modest countenance and pleasing figure,habited in an inexpensive attire,would win more attention from men, than awkwardn ess and effrontery,clad in the richest satin s ff of Stewart and the costliest gems of Ti any.

There are occasionally to be found among both sexes,per l d u a ul u ff c sons who neg ect their ress thro gh ‘ ridic o s a e ta tion of singularity,and who take pride in being thought l r ll utterly indifferent to their persona appea ance . Mi ion aires are very apt to manifest this characteristic,b ut with them it generally arises through a miserly penuriousness of disposition their imitators,however,are even more de a

ficient than they in common sense .

Lavater has u rged that persons habitually attentive to their attire,display the same regularity in their domestic affairs , He also says Young women who neglect their toilet and manifest little concern about dress,indicate a N D ESS O R . 53

— general disregard of order a mind b ut ill adapted to th e — details of housekeeping a deficiency of taste~and of the ” qualities that inspire love .

Hence the desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is es s entially requisite in a young lady,for it indicates cleanli ness,sweetness,a love ' of order and propriety,and all those virtues which are attractive to their ass ociates,and ' l o th er s ex particular y to those of the .

Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through every action of o ur lives,and that he could not help conceiving ’ some idea of people s sense and character from the dress in hi du him w ch they appeared when intro ced to .

An other writer has remarked that he never yet met with a woman whose general style of dress was chaste,elegant and appropriate,that he did not find her on further ao quaintance to be, in disposition and mind,an obj ect to l admire and ove .

The fair sex have the reputation of being passionately fond of dress,and the love of it has been said to b e natural di to women . We are not sposed to deny it,b ut we do not ul regard it as a weakness nor a pec iarity to be condemned . fin u Dress is the appropriate ish of bea ty. Some one has said that, Without dress a handsome person is a gem, ” b ut But ur a a gem that is not set. dress, he f ther rem rks, “ ” u and u m st be consistent with the graces with nat re . “ Taste, says a celebrated div me, requires a congruity between the internal character and the external appear anc e the imagination will involuntarily form to itself an u r s are l idea of s ch a correspondence . Fi st idea ,in genera , l I ul of considerab e consequence . sho d therefore think it wis e in the femal e world to tak e care that their appear gnce should not convey a forbidding idea to the most su erficial p observer . N 54 O DRESS .

As we have already remarked,the secretof perfect dress ing is simplicity,costliness b eing no essential element of real elegance . We have to add that everything depends u u pon the j dgment and good taste of the wearer . These should always be a harmonious adaptation of one article of attire to another,as also to the size,figure and complex ul ion ofthe wearer. There sho d be a correspondence in all l ’ l parts of a ady s toi et,so as to present a perfect entirety. Thus,wh en we see a female of light,delicate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they are positively black,we cannot b ut entertain a contempt for her lack of taste and ’ a rm i n a u hi good sense. There is ha ony n t re s tints w ch u ‘ art can never equal,m ch less improve .

A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes,light l l hair,eyebrows and ashes . There is a de icacy and har mo nious blending of correspondences which are in perfect , keeping ;b ut if you sully the eyebrows with blackness, you destroy all similitude of feature and expression,and almost present a deformity

We cannot b ut allude to the practice of using white l paints,a habit strong y to be condemned . If for no other reason than that poison lurks b eneath ev ery layer,induc ing paralytic affections and premature death,they sho uld — be discarded b ut they are a disguise which deceives no one,even at a distance there is a ghastly deathliness in the appearance of the skin after it has been painted,which r u l hue l is far removed f om the nat ra of hea th.

The hostess should b g p articularly careful not to out

" a shine her guests . We have seen m ny instances where a lady,fond of dress,"and what lady is not fond of dress and conscious that it is unbecoming to dress to excess when visitors are invited,yet so unable to restrain the de sire o f display,has made the whole o f her guests look

b c tr a l T o sha by,by the on ast of her own g y co ors . dress ON D ESS R . 55

meanly is a mark of disrespect to the company,b ut it is

l eara ou e qua ly so to make a very gay app nce . If y make a grand display yourself,yo u are apt to appear as if you wished to parade your appearance,and it is always s afer h to be under than over"t e mark .

In going out,consider the s ort of company yo u are likely to meet,and endeavor to assimilate to them as much as — po ssible for to make a great display elsewhere is an evi

B ut o u s dence of bad taste . here if y mi s the happy medi um,dress above the mark rather than below it,for yo u

s s out ou ma at o may dre more of , doors than y y h me . Where dancing is expected to take place,no one should go without new kid lo ves ;nothing is so rev olting as to see one perso n in an assembly ungloved,especially where the heat of the room,and the exercise to gether,are sure to s u u l Al make the hand redder than s a . ways wear your

l c u c g oves in h r h or in a theater.

We may add a few general maxims,applied to both sexes,

o ur and task will be done . “ All affectation in dress says Chesterfield, implies a di ul flaw in the understan ng. One sho d,therefore,avoid being singular,or attracting the notice,and the tong ues n of the sarcastic,by bei g eccentric .

' e Never dress against any one . Choose those garm nts which suit yo u,and look well upon yo u,perfectly irre spectiv e of the fact that a lady or gentleman in the same ma l v illage or street y exce you.

When dressed for company,strive to app ear as easy an . hi u l as o u u . di 0 nat ra if y were in ndress Not ng is more tressing to a sensitive person,or more ridiculous to o ne gifted with an esprit mo gueur,than to s e e a lady laboring under the cons ciousness of a fine gown ;or a gentleman

' fi u l - new who is sti ,awkward,and ngain y in a bran co at . ” ON ESS 6 DR .

u amful Dress according to yo r age . It is both p and ridiculous to see an old lady dressed as a belle of four and twenty,or an old fellow,old enough for a grandfather, ' u beau afiecting the cost me and the manners of a .

well f Young men should be dressed . Not oppishly,b ut

ll An u fiv e - - neatly and we . ntidy person at and twenty, degenerates,very frequently,into a sloven and a boor at

flay.

Be not too negligent,nor too studied in your attire ; and lastly,let your behavior and conversation suit the clothes you wear,so that those who know yo u may feel that,after all,dress and external appearance is the least AD NTL portion of a L Y or GE EMAN.

O I T D 5 8 N N RO UCTION S . introduction,that you take great pleasure in making them acquainted,which will be an assurance to each that you think they are well matched,and thus they are prepared a to be friends from the st rt .

In introducing parties,be careful to pronounce each name distinctly,as there is nothing more awkward than to ’ a ll have one s n me misca ed .

' In introducing a foreigner,it is proper to present him “ l l “ . Rue as Mr Les ie, from Eng and Mr . La from ” A wh o France . Likewise when presenting an merican has recently returned after traveling in distant ' lands,make u l l l n ” him known as Mr . D n ap,ate y from Fra ce, or Mr . l l ” Meadows,recent y from Ita y.

l e fi It is very\easy to make these s ight sp ci cations,and

' they at once afiord an opening for conversation between the two strangers,for nothing will be more natural than to ask the recently arrived s omething about his voyage,or l u l the p aces he has seen d ring his trave s .

When presenting a governor,designate th e State he gov

r — in ro duc e ns as, Governor Fenton of New York . In t ing a member of Congress,mention the State to which h e l r hi be ongs,as Mr She man of O o, or Mr . Banks of u lu Massach setts . Do not forgetthat Congress inc des the l l d two egis ative bo ies .

When introducing any of the members of your own fam ‘ udi l o ily, me ntion the name in an a b e t ne . It is not “ ” “ ” considered sufi cient to say My father, My mother, ” ” ut a My sister, or My brother . B s y, My father, ” “ ” “ to l h . s Mr . Stan ey, My brot er,Mr Wes n, My ister, ” e b e li all Miss or Mrs . Hop . It is best to exp cit in these things,for there may be more than one surname in the

l el u e ul uc fami y. The dest da ght r sho d be introd ed by her ON IN T D UCTI IVS RO O . 59

u u r s rname only,as . Miss Sherwood, her yo nge sisters, “ ” ” u ar as Miss Ma d Sherwood, Miss M y Sherwood . “ In presenting a clergyman,do not neglect to put Bever

end before his name . If he is a D . D . say, The Rever ” Ii n end Doctor . he is a bishop,the the word bishop is

sufficient .

Wh en yo u are introduce d to a person,be careful not to u ou appear as tho gh y had never heard of him before . If

‘ he happens to be a person of any distinction,such a mis take would be unpardonable,and no person is complimented

by being reminded of the fact that his name is unknown .

b u ou u e If . y any misfort ne y have been introd ced to a p son whose acquaintance yo u do not desire,yo u can merely make the formal bow of etiquette when you meet him, which,of itself,encourages no familiarity ;b ut the bo w is indispensable,for he cannot be thought a gentleman wh o ’ would pass another with a vacant stare,after h av ing b e en

l ul o ffe formal y presented to him. By so doing,he wo d r a slight which would j ustly make him appear contemptible

even in the eyes of the person he means to humble .

What is called cutting another is never practiced by ' j gentlemen or ladies,except in some extraordinary instances of bad conduct on the part of the individual thus sacri

fice An c al d. in reased degree of ceremony and form politeness is the most delicate way of withdrawing from an

u l u ll cut np easant acq aintance . Indeed,what is ca ed ” ting is rarely ever practiced by well- bred ladies and l gent emen .

On introduction in a room,a married lady generally

' o fiers n a ll - r m { her hand,a young lady not ;i , ba oo ,where I the introduction is to dancing,n o t to friendship, you and as a general rule,an introduction Ci) ON IN TR 0 D UOTIONS .

perhaps be laid down,that the more public the place of introduction,the less hand- shaking takes place b ut if the introduction be particular,if it“be accompanied by per sonal recommendation,such as I want you to know my ” friend J ones, then you give J ones your hand,and warmly

too .

It is understood in society,that a person who has been properly introduced to you,has some claim on your good “ o fi ces in future you cannot therefore slight him without good reason,and the chance of being called to an account

for it . L R S OF N R O DU C O E T T E I T T I N.

LETTER S of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of repectab ility,and are therefore never to be given where o u not l u y do fee s re on this point . To send a person of whom you know nothing into th e confidence and family un l l of a friend,is an pardonab e recklessness . In Eng and, letters of introduction are called tickets to s oup, because it is generally customary to invite a gentleman to din e who s l u is l come with a etter of introduction to yo u . S ch a so the practice,to some extent,in this country,b ut etiquette here ilie e does not make the dinner so essential as r .

In England,the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it himself to the party to whom it is addressed, b ut wi his he sends it th card of address .

In France,and on the continent of Europe generally, di l h Am Eu rect y the reverse is the fas ion . In erica the glish custom generally prevails ;though where a young gentleman has a letter to one wh o is many years his senior, or to one whose aid he seeks in some enterprise,he takes

hlms elf it at once .

When a gentleman,bearing a letter of introduction to yo u,leaves his card,yo u should call on him,or send a l l e ul note,as ear y as possib e . There is no gr ater ins t than to treat a letter of introduction with indifference - fi t is a slight to the stranger as well as to the introducer,which

su s ll Af o no b equent attentions wi cancel. ter y u have '

E TTE O F IN T 1) OTI0 1 V 62 L RS E 0 U .

made this call,it is,to some extent,Optional with yo u as

to what further attentions you s hall pay the party . In this country everybody is supposed to be very busy,which is always a s ufi cient excuse for not paying elaborate atten a tions to visitors . It is not demanded th t any man shall l his u i u vi u neg ect b s ness to wait pon sitors or g ests .

Do not imagine these little ceremonies to be insignificant and beneath your attention they are the customs of soci

' ety and if you do not confo rmto them,you will gain the unepiab le distinction of being pointed o ut as an ignorant,

l - ou care i l bred person . Not that y may the more for strangers by showing them civility,but yo u should scrupu lo usly avoid the imputation of being deficient in good breeding ;and if yo u do not choose to b e polite for their o u u for our Own sakes,y o ght to be so y .

Letters of introduction should only be given by actual fr iends o f the persons addres sed,and to actual friends of

o u wi l their own . Never,if y are se,give a etter to a per son whom you do n o t know,nor address one to one whom l The uc u ll yo u know slight y. letter of introd tion,if act a y given to its bearer,should be left unsealed,that he may not incur the fate of the Persian messenger,who brought tablets of introduction recommending the new acquain ' cut his o A l n u tance to head fi. etter of this ki d m st therefore be carefully worded,s tatingin full the name of the person introduced,b ut with as few remarks about l It ll sufi cient him as possib e . is genera y to say that he is a friend of yours,whom yo u trust your other friend n a lin will receive with attentio ,etc . In tr ve g it is well to have ras many letters as possible,b ut not to pin your faith m on the . D NN R P R S I E A T I E .

IN VIT ATIONS to dine,from a married party,are sent in som e s uch form as th e following

Mr Mr. and s . A resent th eir com liments to Mr . n Mrs B p p a d . and request th e h onor,"or h ope to h av e th e pleasure] of th eir company to inner on Wednesda th e l oth of Decemb er next at se en d y, , v .

A Street,Nov emb er 1 8th,1 8

R . s . P v. .

“ ’ The letters in the 0 0 1 nor imply Répo ndez, s il s o us “ ” / ni e w ll l l phiii mea ng, an answ r i ob ige . The rep y, accepting the mv itatio n,is concluded in the following

‘ Mr Mrs A nt th ir ts to . Mrs B rese com limen . and Mr an . e . d p p and will do th emselv es th e h onor,"or will h av e much pleasure in]accepting kind inv itation to dinner on th e l oth f m next their o Dece b er .

B S quare,Novemb er 2l st,1 8

The answer to invitations to dine,accepting or declining, should be sent immediately,and are always addressed to

la o u e an invitatioh the dy. If,after y have accept d ,any thing occurs to render it impossible for yo u to go,the lady ul mm di l 1 s a sho d be informed of it i e ate y. It great breach o f etiquette not to answer an invitation as s oon after it is receive d as possible,and it is an insult to disappoint when we mis have pro ed. Cards or invitations for a dinner party,should be issued l at east two weeks beforehand,and care should be taken o by the h stess,in the selection of the invited guests,that h ul u they s o d be s ited to each other. Much also of the

l s u - w ll o n p ea re of the dinner party i depend _ the arrange ment of the g uests at table,so as to form a due admixture al l and a of t kers and isteners,the grave the g y. / Letters or cards of invitation should always name the \ hour of di nner and well- bred people will arrive as nearly fi as at the speci ed time they c“an . Be sure and not be a minute behind the time,and you should not get there long before,unless the invitation requests you particularly l l l e to come ear y for a itt e chat before dinn r .

It is always best for the lady of the house,where a dinner-party is to come o ff, to be dressed and ready to appear in the drawing-room as early as possible,so that if any of th e guests should happen to come a little early,she may be prepared to receive them . It is awkward for both parties where visitors arrive before the lady of the house is e ready for them . If it is necessary for her to k ep an eye upon the dinner,it is still best that sh e should familiarly receive her guests ,and beg to be excused,if it is necessary n ll t l for her to vanish occasio a y to he kitchen . A rea lady is not ashamed to have it knownthat she goes into the kitchen on the contrary,it is more likely that she will b e a little proud of being thought capable of superintending the preparing feast .

It is not in good taste for the lady of the house,where a mu l it dinner art . zp y is given,to dress very ch She eaves for her lady- guests to make what display they please,and h fine ~ she o ffers no rivalry to t eir things . She contents herself with a tasty négligé,which often proves the most fascinating equipment after all,especially,if the cheeks become a little flushed with natural bloom,in consequence by seeing that the most distin guished guests,or the o ldes t, are shown into the dining- room first,and by makin g tho s e companions at the table who are mo st likely to be agreea

l s b e to each other . The lady o f the hou e may lead the way,o r follow her guests into the dining- roo m,as sh e

le o p ases . Among th se who delight to fo llow the e tiquette o f l li th e l e c ll the Eng ish nobi ty, att r pra tice is fo owed . But the practic e mus t not be cons idered a test o f go o d e A l l i bre ding in merica . If the ady eads,the husband w ll follow behind the guests,with the lady on his arm who is

o ld us o ill ll to sit at his side . The c t m is st fo owed to some extent in this c ountry,of the lady taking the head of the table,with the two mo st favored g uests seated,the one at her right and the other at her left hand while the gentle man o f the house takes the foot of the table,supported o n each side by the two ladies most entitled to consideration . But this old rule is by no means slavishly followed in polite hi u s ociety in t s co ntry .

In order to be able to watch the course of th e dinner,

‘ and to see that nothing is wanting to their guests,th e lady and gentleman of the house usually seat themselves l in the c entre of the tab e,opposite each other .

When all the guests are seated,the lady of the house serv es in plates,fro m a pile at h er left hand,the soup, which sh e sends round,beginning with h er neighbors right

he fir and left,and continuing till all are helped . T se st plates usually pass twice,fo r each g uest endeavors to in duce his neighbor to accept what was sent to him .

The gentleman then c arves,or causes to be carved b y some exp ert guest,the large pieces,i n order afterwards to

t el o u ll do the o her honors hims f. If y have no ski in carv mg meats, do n o t attempt it ;nor should you ever discharge this duty except when your goo d o ffices are i l u an thin s ent us so icited by him neither can we ref se y g ‘ from his hand . B S HA I T A T T A B L E .

As soon as dinner is announced,the host or hostess will

‘ give the signal for leavi ng the drawing- room,and in all probability yo u will be reques ted to escort one of the ladies

‘ l is s ul u o fier l u l to the tab e . If th ho d occ r, the ady yo r eft arm,and at the table remain standing until every lady is

l s o u e s seated,then take the p ace as igned to y by the host s . When yo u leave the parlor,pas s o ut first,and the lady will ll ou ll l l l u t fo ow y ,sti ight y ho ding yo r arm . A the door of

di - m l ill u o u ul the ning roo ,the ady w drop yo r arm . Y sho d then pass in,and wait at one side of the entrance till she

ou l c l passes y . Having arrived at the tab e,ea h gent eman respectfully salutes the lady whom he conducts,w h o in u l h er her t rn,a so bows and takes seat .

Nothing indicates the go od breeding of a gentleman so

his l u l le much as manners at tab e . There are a tho sand itt points to be obs erved, which,although not absolutely necessary , dis tinctly stamp the refined and well- bred man A a u dressin well . man may p ss m ster by g , and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation b ut if he be n o t ” r t ' perfe ctly d a fail, dinne will b e ray him.

An y unpleasant peculiarity,abruptness,or coarseness of l o l manners,is espec ially offensive at tab e . Pe p e are more e All u e asily dis g usted at that time than at any oth r . s ch acts as leaning over on one side in your chair,placing your ’ e lbows on the table,or on the back of your neighbor s HA BITS A T TABL E . chair,gaping,twisting about restlessly in your s eat,are to _ be avoided as heresies of the most infidel stamp at table .

Though the body at table should always be kept in a

' tolerably uprig ht and easy position,yet one need not sit

‘ - b e bolt upright,as stiff and prim as a poker. To easy,to b e natural,and to appear comfortable,is the deportment r equired . l Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possib e . The expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, nl is l but its freshness and clea iness are ind pensab e . The

- hands and finger nails require especial attention . It is a great insult to eiery lady at the table for a man to sit down i to dinner with his hands in a bad condtion .

Th e It is considered vulgar to take fish or s oup twice . ' reason for not being helped twice to fish or soup at a large dinner- party is,because by doing so you keep three parts of th e company staring at you whilst waiting for the second c ourse,which is spoiling,much to the ann oyance of the th e u lfi di mistress of ho se . The se sh gree ness,therefore, tu ul At ml di of so doing consti tes its v garity. a fa i y nner l i l it is of ess mportance,and is consequent y often done .

Y ou will u u ui l s l fr the , sip yo r so p as q et y as po sib e om side of the spoon,and yo u,of course,will not commit the vulgarity of blowing in it,or trying to cool it,after it is in your month,by drawing in an unusual quantity of air,for by so doing you would be sure to annoy,if yo u did not

tu l l ou rn the stomach of the ady or gent eman next to y . Be careful and do not touch either your knife or your u l ou fini fork nti after y have shed eating your soup . Leave your spoon in your soup plate,that the servant may re

move them .

Never use your knife to conv ey your food to your mouth, under any circumstances ; it is unnec H B TS A T T L E A I A B . 69

ul e— v gar . Feed yourself with a fork or spoon,nothing els a l u u t knife is on y to be sed for c t ing.

‘ if at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not pour it over the meat or vegetables,b ut on one

o u side . If y should have to carve and help a j oint,do no t ’ — load a person s plate it 1 s vulgar ;also in serving soup, l dl ul l uffi one a ef to each p ate is s cient.

Fish should always be helped with a silver fish - slice,and your o wn portion of it divided by the fork aided by a piece of bread . The application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its flavor ;besides which,fish sauces are often acidulated ;acids corrode steel,and draw from l it a disagreeab e taste .

The lady and gentleman of the house are,of cours e, helped last,and they are very particular to notice,every

u e u min te,wheth r the waiters are attentive to every g est. But they do not press people either to eat more than they appear to want,nor insist upon their partaking of any par i r ll l ou t cula dish . It is a owab e for y to recommend,so far as to say that it is considered excellent,” b ut remember that tastes differ,and dishes which suit you,may b pleasant to others ; and that,in consequence of your urgency,some modest people might feel themselves com di pelled to partake of what is sagreeable to them . “ Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at table, t unless their hands,from some cause,are not fi to be seen .

Avoid too slow or too rapid eating ;the one will appear as th o ugh you did not like your dinner,and the other as ul u though yo u were afraid you wo d not get eno gh .

Making a noise in chewin g your food,or breathing hard in eating,are unseemly habits,which will be sure to get

l d- yo u a bad name at table,among peop e of goo breeding. 0 HA BITS A T T BL E 7 A .

Let it be a sacred rule that you canno t us e your knife,or ork or leeik lo o uietl f , q y.

Avoid picking your teeth,if possible,at tab leffor ho w ever agreeable such a practice might be to yourself,it may

ofib nsive . hi be, to others The habit w ch some have of holding one hand o v erth e mouth,does not avoid the v ul - l garity of teeth picking at tab e .

Unless you are requested to do so,never select any par ticular part of a dish ;b ut if your host asks you what part you prefer,name some part,as in this case the i nciv ility would consist in making your host choose as well as ou carve for y .

If your host or hostess passes yo u a plate,keep i especially if you have chosen th e fo od upon it,for others have also a choice,and by passing it,yo u may gi ve your neighb or dishes distasteful to him,and take yourself those ul u which he wo d m ch prefer .

If a dish is distasteful to yo u,declin e it,b ut make no u is ni u lai remarks abo t it . It sicke ng and disg sting to exp n at a table how one article makes yo u sick,or why some di h di ul ou s other s has become stastef to y . I have een a well - dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, because one of the company told a most digusting anecdote di about finding vermin served in a similar sh .

If the meat or fish upon your plate is to o rare or too well- done,do not eat it ;give for an excus e that yo u pre fer so me other dish b efore you ;b ut never tell your host

th e di s u l that his co c k has made h neatab e .

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person,politeness requires him to save them all trouble of i pouring o ut for themselves to drink,and of obtain ng l whatever they are in want of at the tab e . He should be H B IT A T T BL E A S A . 71 eager to offer them whatever he thinks to be most to their taste .

Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire yo u,and then be careful to us e your fork to hold it ;you may sometimes oder to div ide a v ery large pear with or for a person . It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is s et before you b ut if there are some things that ll s are really very nice,it is we to peak in their praise. ' But, above all things,avoid seeming indifierent to the dinner that is provided for you,as that might be c onstrued into a dissatisfaction with it.

Some persons,in helping their guests,or recommending dishes to their taste,preface every such action with a eu logy o n its merits,and draw every bottle of win e with an account of its virtues ;o thers,run ning into the contrary extreme,regret or fear that each dish is not exactly as it

ul etc sho d be that the cook, ,etc . Both of these habits u o u l are grievo s errors . Y should eave it to your guests alone to approve, or suffer one of your intimate friends u who is present,to vaunt y o r wine .

If yo u ask the waiter for anything,yo u will be careful to speak to him gently in the tone of request,and not of com ‘ m nd e a . To speak to a waiter in a driving mann r will cre ate,among well- bred p eople,the suspicion that you were s o metime a s ervant yours elf,and are putting on airs

u ur r t n o e fiel ay a“t the tho ght of yo p omo io . L rd Ch ster d s s If I tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine,in a rough,insulting imanner,I should expect that,in obeying me,he would c o ntrive to spill some of it up o n me,and I u am s re I sho uld deserve it .

Should your servants break anything while yo u are at table,nev er turn round,or inquire into the particulars, o u l u r however annoyed y may fee . If yo r se vants betray s tupidity or awkwardness in waitin g on your guests,avoid reprimanding them publicly,as it only draws attention to

e their errors,and adds to their embarrassm nt .

i Never commit the v ulgarism of speak ng when you have u u any food in yo r mo th .

When you have occasion to change or pas s your plate during dinn er,be careful and remove your knife and fo rk, that the plate alone may be taken,b ut after you have fin ish ed your dinner,cross the knife and fork on the plate, that the servant may take all away,before brin ging you clean ones for dessert .

Do not put butter on your bread at dinner,and avoid biting or cutting your bread from the slice,or roll rather " break o h small pieces,and put these in your mouth with u yo r fingers .

It is considered vulgar to dip ' a piece of bread into the u ur l t e preserves or gravy pon yo p ate and hen bit it . If yo u desire to eat them together,it is much better to break the bread in small pieces,and convey these to your mouth with your fork .

Avoid putting bones,or the seeds of fruit,upon your

- l l u ur table c oth . Rather p ace them pon the edge of yo plate .

When you wish to help yourself to butter,salt,or sugar, use the butter - knife,salt- spo on and sugar-tongs ;to us e ~ s our own knife,spoon or fingers evinces great ignorance

- din and ill bree g .

It is customary in some American families to serve their

' l e e But guests with cofiee in the par or aft r dinn r. this is a European custom which is not generally practiced in po

' ‘ h co fiee at the l s e lite American society . W en is given c o

WI NE A T T A BL E .

AL MOST every gentleman has wine at his table whenever h u dee i ehas invited g ests . In d,w ne is considered an in dispensable part of a good dinner,to which ladies and

le ha een o ll ou are gent men ve b f rma y invited. Even if y a total- abstinence man yourself, yo u will not,if yo u are really a gentleman,attempt to compel all your guests to be

o s e o u c l ou s again t th ir wish . If y are so fanati a that y have what is called conscientious scruples against fur nis hing wine,then you should invite none to dine who are

al ur l o u not as fanatic and bigoted as yo sef. Y u m st con

l e c u l sider that a gent eman may have consci ntious s r p es against dining with you on cold water,for there are e v en ' temp erate and sober gentleman who would go without

ea c a e e a e d m t as e on s b d prived of their gl ss of win at inner.

' The vegetarian,who would force his guests to dine on c abbages and onions,is hardly g uilty of a greater breach of etiquette than th e total- abstinence fanatic who would

el u u e comp his g ests to go witho t win .

If there i s a gentleman at the table who is known to be

- a i o to o m n o u w ll n t u . a t tal abstinence , , y rge him drink

' He will sufi er his glass tO ‘ b G filled at the first passage of the wine,and raising it to his lips,will b o w his respects with therest of the guests,and after that his glas s will b e

As lit le all o wed to remain untouched . t notice as possible

a - s i And should be t ken o f his total ab t nenc e p eculiarity . , if he is a gentleman,he will carefully avoid drawing atten ion m el t to it hi s f. T T BL E WINE A A . 75

It is no t now the custom to ask a lady across the table

i e h o u It is e e ed h at e e l d to take w n wit y . xp ct t v ry a y will b e prop erly helped to wine by th e gentleman wh o takes h er

e h er ut if o e n to the table,or who sits n xt to . B y u ar i company where the o ld custom- prevails,it wo uld be b e t ter b reeding to follow th e custom of the plac e,rather than by an omission of what your entertainer considers civility, to prove him,in face of his guests ,to b e either igno rant o r ul r l lema s v gar . If eithe a ady or gent n i invited to take wine at table,they must nev er refuse ; if they do not

lrinlc l u th e o ,they n eed on y to ch wine to their lips . D

’ not o fier to help a lady to Wi ne until yo u see she has fin

e e o s i hed h r soup r fi h .

Always wipe your mouth before drinking,as nothin g is

ill - e u l s i h u more bred than to gr ase yo r g a s w t yo r lips .

Do not propose to take wine with your hos t ;it is his i l it u priv ege to inv e yo .

It is considered well bred to take th e same wine as that

el e h o u n n s ect d by the person wit whom y dri k . Whe ,how ever,th e wine chos en by him is unpalatable to yo u,it is al lowable to take that which you prefer,a t the s ametime apo lo giz ingly saying, Will yo upermit me to drink claret n e o u s l or whatever wi y have e ected.

In inviting a lady to take wine with you at table, you should politely say, Shall I have th e pleasure of a glass ” of wine with you ? Y ou will then either hand h er th e b o ttle yo u have selected,o r send it b y th e waiter,and

w ll o l tel and afterwards fill your o wn glass,when yo u. i p i y silently b o w to each o ther,as yo u rais e th e wine to yo ur

Th e s e e is n vi i lips . am cer mony to be observed whe in t ng t a gen leman .

On rai si ng the first glass of wine to his lips,it is cus u to mary for a gentleman to bow to the la dy of the ho se . It is not customary to propose loasis or to drink deep at ’ le l l r a gent man s fami y tab e . Lord By on describes a ” “ largish party, as first silent,then talky,then arg umen tativ e,then disputatious,then unintelligible, then alto ” ” eth er dru B ut i g y,then nk . th s was a largish party, which,it is to be hoped,was given at a tavern for the man wh o drinks to intoxication,or to any considerable degree of ’ elev ation,at a gentleman s family table,ought nev er to ex ect p to be invited a second time .

At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen,for the purpose of conviviality,one may indulge in as much wine as he pleases,provided he does not get drunk,and make a l nuisance of himse f. Where drinking,and toasting,and bumpers,are the order of the feast,as at a public dinner, given in honor of a distinguished man,or at the inaugura tion of some public enterprise,far greater latitude is all lowed,in all things,than on more private and select o c casions .

In conclusion of o ur article on table etiquette,we quote from a recent English work,s ome humorous,b ut valuable

We now come to habits at table,which are very im l portant . However agreeab e a man may be in society,if he offends or disgusts by his table traits,he will soon be u l ul scouted fro m it,and j st y so . There are some broad r es l is l fo r behavior at tab e . Whenever there a servant to he p l ut you,never help y ourse f. Never p a knife into your ' mouth,not even with cheese,which should be eaten with

a f r us e S b ut li u . o k . Neve r a poon for anything q ids l e l u fi l ver touch anything edib e with yo r ngers .

Forks were undoubtedly a later invention than fingers, b ut as we are not canib als ,I am inclined to think they

whic ou were a good one . There are some few things h y IIAB IT A T T B L E S A . 77

h fi u u ill may take up wit your ngers . Th s an epic re w eat even macaroni with his fingers and as sucking asparag us is more pleasant than chewing it,yo u may,as an epicure,

n e But t h s enerallv take it up an atur l. bo h t e e things are g

a is u e a th e fin eaten with a fork . Bre d ,of co rse, ten with gers,and it would be absurd to carve it with yo u knife and

u t r r l en fork . It m s ,on the cont a y,a ways be broken wh not buttered,and yo u should never put a slice of dry bread f r to your mouth to bite a pie ce o f. Most f e sh fruit,too,is eaten with the natural prongs,b ut when yo u have p eeled an orange or apple,yo u should cut it with the aid o f the u l s o u can u ea A o fork, n es y s cceed in br king it . pr pos of which,I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a

But th e l n ol i spoon . art of pee i g an orange so as to h d ts o wn juice,and its own sugar too,is one that can scarcely be taught in a book .

However,let us go to dinner,and I will soon tell you whether you are a well- bred man o r not and here let me premise that what is good manners for a small di nner is

l v ice v ers a o good manners for a arge one,and . N w,the o u first thing y do is to sit down . Stop,s ir "pray do no t cram yourself into the table in that way no,nor sit a yard

' a Ho w r from it,like th t . g aceless,inconveni ent,and i n the way of conversation " Why,dear me "yo u are posi tiv ely putting your elb o ws on the table,and now yo u have got your hands fumbling about with the spoons and forks, and no w you are nearly knocking my new hock glass es ’ ’ Can t o u u 1 ? . ou over _ y take yo r hands down,s r Didn t y ’ learn “that in the nursery Didn t your mamma say to yo u, Never put your hands ab ove the table except to carve or eat O h "b ut come,no nonsense,s it up,if ’ l e u fine you p eas . I can t have yo r head of hair forming a side dish on my table yo u must not bury your face in the

l o u a to s o t u l p ate y c me h w i ,and it o ght to be a ive . Well, b ut th ere is no occasion to throw your h ead back like that, ’ l l al r er a d yo u ook ike an derman,sir,afte dinn . Pr y, on t l u sl e Y o u are to and o nge in that e py way. here eat,drink, t Y o u sl o u e . be merry . can eep when y g home

ell e I u u an u n W ,th n, s ppose yo c s ee yo r napki . Got o e n e " l m Y o u n n ,i d ed Very like y,in y house . may b e u I l u I s re that never sit down to a mea witho t napkins . ’ don t want to make my tablecloths unfit fo r us e,and I ’ u e s u a l ll don t want to make my tro s r nwear b e . We ,now, we are all seated,you can unfo ld it on your knees ;no,no ’ don t tuck it into your waistcoat like an alderman ;and what "what ,o n earth do y ou mean by wiping your fore

’ head with it ? Do yo u take it for a towel ? Well,never mind,I am consoled that yo u did not go farther,and us e

- hi l l it as a pocket handkerc ef. So ta k away to the ady on your right,and wait till soup is handed to yo u; By the way,that waiting is the most important part of table man

' ners,and,as much as possible,yo u should avoid asking l u s l r m l u for anything or he ping yo r e f f o the tab e . Yo r — ’ soup yo u eat with a Spoon I don t know what els e yo u co uld —b ut u eat it with then it m st be one of good size . Yes,that will do,b ut I beg you will not make that odious

dr ou u l u o noise in inking y r so p . It is o der than a d g lap cat l ping water,and a wou d be quite genteel to it . Then you need not scrape up th e plate in that way,no r even tilt la dr ll e o it to get the st op . I sha be happy to s nd y u some more b ut I must j ust remark,that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup,and it is liable to keep other pe ople waiting,which,once for all,is a selfish and intoler ’ l i But o u ff o u ab e hab t . don t y hear the servant o ering y sherry I wish yo u would attend,for my servants have ’ quite enough to do,and can t wait all the evening while , “ o u fi s a l le m y ni h th t very mi d story to Miss Gogg s . Co e,

‘ l l I n t th e eave that decanter a one . had the wi e pu on ta b le to fill up the servants will hand it directly,or,as we are a small party,I will tell yo u to help yourself b ut pray, IIA BITS A T T B L E A . 7 9

cio us e i do not be s o o fli . "Ther ,I have sent h m some tur

i u e cla e h e can b ot to ke ep h m q iet . I d r n o t make up his s a a i i Y o u are e a s r. ll u mind. ) ke ping my erv nt g n, Wi yo , ’ o r will yo u no t,do turbot Don t examine it in that way s I a s ur o u a e o r ecl e Ah it is quite fre h, s e y t k d in it . ,yo u take it,b ut that is no reas on why yo u should take up a I r e a u b e uc e knife too . Fish, ep t,m st never to h d with a

in th e and s all . e re knife Take a fork right a, m pi ce of b ad b ut is tr in the left hand . Good, Oh that a o cious of course you must no t swallow the bones,b ut yo u should o ut in wa P rather do so than spit them that y . ut up your

l l ur la napkin ike this,and and the said bone on yo p te .

’ Don t rub your head in the sauce,my good man,nor go ut s r progging abo after the shrimp or oyste s therein . O h

" how horrid "I declare your mouth was wide open and full

h all I o u for all of fis . Sm pieces, beseech y ;and once , whatever yo u eat,keep your mouth shut,and never attempt l to talk with it fu l.

ae u l o r So now yo u have got a p t . S re y y u a e not takin g two on your plate There is plenty of dinner to come,and " " ui u . ou are c r l one is q te eno gh Oh dear me,y in or igib e . ‘ Wh at "a knife to cut that light brittle pastry 2 No,nor — fi . s l o b ad ngers,never Nor a poon a m st as . Take your fork,sir,your fork ;and,now yo u have e at en,oblige me by wiping your mouth and moustache with your napkin , for there is a bit o f th e pastry hanging to the latter,and

e l ll o u u looking very disagr eab e . We ,y can ref se a dish if

ou l s e ou a e y ike . There is no po itive nec ssity for y to t k ’ on o u But do not b e venis if y don t want it . ,at any rate,

' fic u Y ou o fi e in that terri h rry . are not going by the n xt

ra u e a les t in . Wait for the sa c and wait for the veget b ; b ut whether you eat them o r not,do not begin b efore

r l u t a a l fo r h t eve ybody e s e . Surely yo u m s t ke my t b e t a of a railway refreshment - room,for you have finished before

I l fir a b ad fo r e s the person he ped st. Fast e ting is the dig

e tion, my good sir, and not very good manners eith r. H BITS A T T BL E 80 A A .

What are yo u trying to eat meat with a fork alone Oh I u o u u it is sweetbread beg yo r pardon,y are q ite right . Let me give yo u a rule Everything that can be out with o ut ul cut l a knife,sho d be with a fork a one . Eat your

le vegetab s,therefore,with a fork . No,there is no neces sity to take a spoon for peas a fork in the right hand will " I ll o u ut u do . What did rea y see y p yo r knife into your u I u o u u c l mo th Then m st give y p. On e for a l,and o ut l i ever,the knife is to ,not to he p w th . Pray,do not munch in that noisy m ann er ;chew your food well,b ut

" w o u h l E at s lo l . t at a ol s oft y. y Have y not heard N p eo n lost the battle o fL eipsic by eating to o fast It is a fact u e though . His haste ca sed indig stion,which made him

l di l l Y o u incapab e of atten ng to the detai s of the batt e.

ee ou l l I ll s y are the ast person eating at tab e . Sir, wi ll o u e not a ow y to speak to my servants in that way. If th y are so remiss as to oblige yo u to ask for anything,do it gently,and in a lo w t one,and thank a servant j us t as ul his much as you wo d master. Ten to one he is as good a man and b ecause he is your inferior in position,is the u l very reason yo u should treat him co rteous y . Oh "it is of no us e to ask me to take wine far from pacifying me, it will only make me more angry,for I tell you the custom is quite gone o ut,except in a few country villages,and at a

- l o u l . Ho w mess tab e . Nor need y ask the ady to do so ever,there is this consolation,ii you sho uld ask any one to take Wi ne with yo u,he or she cannot refuse,so yo u have your own way; Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob,or trinquer in the French fashion with arms ’ Ah " o u d encircled . y on t know,perhaps,that when a to lady trinques in that way with yo u,you have a right l k l e But is finish o ff with a kiss . Very i e y,ind ed it the custom in familiar circles in France,b ut then we are not

’Vill o u u la ? Y o u did Frenchmen . I y attend to yo r dy,sir not come merely to eat,b ut to make yourself agreeable . Don ’ t sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes ;talk and b e

-J— o u a s m u . no, pleasant. Now y h ve o e p dding No knife

CA R V IN G

CAR VING 1s art ul e his an which . every parent sho d t ach u hi sons and da ghters. Not ng can be more disagreeable and unpleasant than to be placed before any particular dish u i l l l ll witho t be ng ab e to he p it proper y . It is genera y the case when the head of the family is a good carver ;for he so objects to see things badly cut,that he prefers carving everything himself . We remember once,when very young, being invited to a large dinner,and we were placed b efore hi l l a ham . We began to hack t s artic e,when the genera , the founder of the feast,said to his servant, Take that ham away from that young gentleman,and place it before ” some one who knows how to carve . From that moment we determined to achieve the art of carving,‘ and after great difi culty we succeeded,and succeeded so well that carving a hare,a clergyman,one of the guests,re what an excellent invention that of boning a hare

‘ was,we carved it with so much ease l ;b ut determined to have a joke at the expense of the clergyman,we laid down the knife and fork,and s aid, s ir,w e are surpris ed that you could express such an Opinion, when it is well known that it has filled more jails and s ent mo re men to the tread ” n ir mill than any other thing yo u ca name . What,s , ” taking the bones o ut of a hare ? No,sir, boning th e ” fi e u hare rst. No one can carv witho t practice,and con sequently children ought to begin young,in order to ao

‘ art ffi ul quire a thorough knowledge of the . It is di c t to describe the method of carving,even with drawings or dia VIN ’ CAR G. 83

grams ;b ut the reader who wishes to learn,may,by o b

‘ s erving how good carvers pro ceed,and applying what he has seen to what he reads,with practice,soon become an

adept .

And first,never stand up to carve this is the greatest l u vu garity,and even a very short man need not stand p. A little,deformed,hump -back friend o f' o urs,used to give very good dinners he carved well, and delighted in — sh owihg it,b ut he had a failing always to have very,large u joints of meat b efore him . One day a stranger g est ar rived late,dinner had been served,even soup and fish had been removed ;the host was absolutely hidden b e hind an enormous round of beef,and the stranger saw nothing at the head of the table b ut the monstrous joint,round which a knife was revolving with wonderful was u l at rapidity. Steam the s bject f ta k the moment, and he exclaimed, I did not know that y o u had brought t hi ” “ “ steam o t s perfection . What perfection Why, ’ s a don t you see that round of beef i c rved by steam . This ’ was enough it got the hunchback s steam up,and,jump ing on the chair,he demanded who dare ins ult him in his own house and it was with great difiiculty that his friends ul h f co d appease is wrath,and turn his steam o f. Ever since the time of Adam,men and women have been prone

cu u to ex se themselves and lay the blame on others . Th s, a person who could not swim,complained bitterly of the want of buoyancy in th e water and another,who had frightf ully mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to carve, cl a le de ared thatt he sheep was deformed and had a b ndy g.

In France,at all large dinners,dishes are carved at the sideboard by a servant,and then handed round in small

l u le portions . It saves a gr eat dea of tro b ,and prevents the shower of gravy with which awkward carvers will often inundate the table- clo th,and sometimes their neigh l u u bors. It would be wel if this c stom was niversal in N 84 CAR VI G.

Amen ca find r l ,where it is rare to good ca ver. In he p ing the soup,nev er say, Will yo u le t me assist yo u to e hi u ul r s om of t s so p this is v gar in the ext eme . The

‘ “ ” word assist is not selon les regle s de la bonne so cieté, b utsimply, Shall I send you some No w,any one can l But i he p soup . then there are two ways,the r ght and the u u l ul wrong. First,then,yo r so p p ates sho d be held by the servant near the tureen,and you s hould judge the number you have to help by the quantity of soup you have, to av oid the possibility of consuming all your soup before “ you have helped your guests give one spoonful of soup all ‘ means l to , each plate,and avoid by s opping the s oup either into the tureen or over the table - cloth,or over the ’ s l ll r v11 1 arities ide of the p ate,a of which are ext eme g . — And here we beg to s ay notwithstanding Brummel hav

‘ ing s aid,in speaking of some one with whom he could find no other fault,that he was a sort of fellow who would come — twice to soup, that,if very good,it is not vulgar to eat twice of it ;b ut,an contraire,if not good,the worst possi b le taste

o der fis h . fish there The next thing in g is Now,of , are Several sorts the first of the large sorts being

SAL MON,the shape of which every one knows ;b ut few l l l The fish people have a who e sa mon at tab e . should be s erved always on a strainer,covered with a small dinner napkin,and the cook should be careful that it be sent to ul l table whole and unbroken . It sho d be aid o nits side, and garnished with fried smelts it should be out with the trowel,or fish - knife,immediately down the middle of the side,and helped from the centre to the back,one slice back and a small slice towards the b elly,which is the richest and fattest part ;care should be taken that the sli ces are not broken,and with each slice a fri ed smelt n be give .

' - ntl i r m COD FIS H should be helped difiere y. Cutt ng f o N ’ CAR VI G. 85

the back to the thin part,crossways,and the sound div ide d a smal ortio n so as to give e ch person a l p .

MACKEREL ,if boiled,should be divided into four;that is, place your trowel or fish -knife under the flesh at the tail, and raise up the flesh to the head,then divide the side in the middle,giving half of the side to each person,and l l in eaving the bone and head and tai the dish .

Hnnnme s ul l i sho d be he ped by g ving one to each person .

EEL S are always cut in small pieces,and all the attention r l s u a e e . req ired is that those which the arge t _are the b st

‘ P Arfrrss AND ENTREES ought to be so arranged that they u r can be served with a spoon,and req i e no carving . The o hi ll s roast is theref re the next t ng that ca s for ob ervation .

A L EG o r MUT T ON is,or rather ought to be served exactly the reverse side to a haunch of mutton that is,it ought to lie on the flat side,and so show the beveled side to the A l out th e carver. s ice is in the center and then carver is to cut to th e bone right and left,the thick side being mo st esteemed i that i l . The best fat s wh ch ies at the thick end,near to the bone ;there is not much of it,b ut it is li considered a de cacy.

mn r EEF - l ut hi A S om o B . The most e egant way to c t s joint is by making an incision from the chine - bone to the fla l l p,direct y in the center,and he ping from either side . However,this is not the most economical way and there fore it is to be cut thin on the outside,from the chine - bone l l to the flaps,with fat from underneath . Many peop e ike u l ho t— it the nder side,or inner oin . If this is eaten and — is best ho t the joint should be turned,and the meat out n r across in slices rather thicker tha f om the top side . Great care should be taken not to splas h the gravy in turn ing,by placing the fork well into the flap,so as to s ecure a firm l ho d. VIN 86 CAR G.

A F O BE Q UAR TER or LAMB should be carved without remo v rn th e uld di g, sho er from the sh on which it is served . diffi ul b ut ll l a This is very c t ; if we done,very e eg nt . First,then,let us give all the directions necessary for this e dish . When it comes befor the carver,he should place i the carving- kn fe under,the shoulder,and dexterously ré t ul l u move i . Having so done,he sho d p ace nder the shoulder a slice of fresh butter,and then prepare some s l u a t,cayenne pepper,and the j ice of an orange, or a lemon,which should be also poured over the part of the

‘ lamb from which the shoulder has been separated,and then pour the grav y with the gravy- Spoon over the lamb, l s o that the butter,etc . ,may amalgamate we l with the

" Y ou and t he gravy . have then the breast and the ribs, u d l u r sho lder on the dish,rea y to he p y o r f iends . Before ‘ separating th e rib s ,yo u must cut o ff the breast,the bones o fwhich the butcher has previously broken,so as to enable t As l yo u to do it wi h ease . ,however,many peop e cannot carve so much in one dish,perhaps the better plan is to

‘ place the shoulder on a separate dish,when it can b e cut precisely as a shoulder of mutton,and the ribs and breast l h l e A c c an be more easi y divided and e p d . lways take are

v that the butcher joints the meat,or no man can carv e it.

l i leg and a oin,g ving either part to those who prefer it .

‘ A SAD D L E O F LAMB must be carved like a saddle o f

mutton .

A LOIN or LAMB should always be divided at the chine end of the bone,and helped in chops .

A Hu man or VENISO N on MUTT ON is the leg and

” I ul cut r of the loin . t Sho d be , across,nea the ul T and then another out sho d pass down the center. he slices should b e taken from the left and the right of this those on the left,containing the most fat,are preferred by V N CA R I G. 37

ur . u u ll u epic es The fat and gravy m st be eq a y distrib ted . These j oints should always be serv ed on a h o t- water dish, o r on a dish with a lamp under it,so as to keep the meat i u s e hot . W tho t one or other of the contrivances,no o ne

ul u u i his sho d pres me to give a ha nch of ven son to friends . Before it is sent to table,the cook shoul d pour over the

- l ul haunch one wine g assf of hot port wine .

AN ED GE - B ONE OF BEEF should b e placed on the dish ul standing on the thickest end . The carver sho d first cut o ff a slice horizontally from the end to the fat,an inch thick ;b ut in helping,it cannot be out too thin,giving

If cut to each person hard and soft fat. thick it is hard and indigestible .

A ROUND o n BUTT O CK O F BEEF is outlike a fillet O f veal that is,a slice hav ing been horizontally removed all round,

l ul out the s ices sho d be very thin and very even . To properly c arve a large round of beef,a long carving- knife,

- such as is used i n a cook shop,i s necessary.

A FIL L ET OF VEAL is a solid piece of meat without bone ;it is therefore easily carv ed by any one who pos sesses a sharp knife the guard of the fork should be up, l ul to prevent accidents . The vea sho d be well roasted ; u l for if the gravy is in it,it is very nwho esome . The slice s may be out thicker than beef,and the stuffing should be u the fla i u u fo nd in the center,and in p wh ch s rro nds it.

’ ‘ EAL - l A BREAST or V . I he richest part of this is ca led

e u ut u u c the brisk t. The knife m st be p abo t fo r in hes from

‘ th1 s,and out through it,which will separate the ribs from the brisket serve whichever is liked .

’ CAL F s HEAD is a dish much esteemed here ;b ut, as generally eaten,plainly boiled,it is tasteless,insipid,and — very obj ectionab le while cooked it la tortue,as in France, ul l and nothing can be better . It sho d a ways be boned N G 88 CARVI . rolled b ut if served whole,it is to be cut down the center, l l A and he ped in s ices from either side . portion of the sweetbread,which generally accompanies a boiled calf’ s

a ul w t fl he d,sho d be given ith each por ion . If the esh about the socket of the eye be preferred,the eye itself b e i ng always taken o ut,the knife should be inserted into the c o ut l — ll orifice,and the meat s ooped . The pa ate genera y l u u hi esteemed a de icacy is sit ated nder the head . T s should be cut into small portions,so that every one may have a share . —— H L D r N r The omt l S OU ER o MUTT O . j being p aced with the knuckle toward the right hand,observe that there is an

c fat ou i l angular pie e of next y . Hav ng he ped your com pany from this part,you may,perhaps,imagine that your shoulder of mutton is exhausted,and will not yield a fur di w ou ther vidend . Ho ever,y may get from both sides of a large shoulder enough to help ten people,provided your l ul s ices are not too thick, which they sho d not be . The fat is to be ~cut from the aforesaid angular bit in slices, A l u longways. fter the right and eft sides are exha sted, and the carver s topped by the knuckle on one side andthe blade- bone on the other,the end of the shoulder is to be turned,and cut straight down from the center bone to the nd l e ,comprising the three best s ices of the joint. If more is required,the shoulder may be reversed o n the dish,a nd u l ll u un fo r good s ices wi be fo nd on the der side . — SADDL E OF Murrow This best joint of the sheep is carved in several ways ;the usual way i s to cut from the tail to the end close to the chine- bone,taking the slices ll An l out l horizonta y. other p an is to c ose to the back bone,taking slices sideways, so as to help each person with a piece like a mutton chop,without the bone and very An u l thin . other way is to commence,not q ite c ose to the back-bone,and so cut slices,rounding them a little that they will curl on the plate,cutting in such a way that the

four pieces,and getting two slices on either side o f the

. c A hare The ear is onsidered the best part . nother way of carving a hare 1 s by taking O ff the legs and shoul ders, and cutting it round through the back - bone,dividing into v se en or eight pieces . It is better to bone a hare .

A AB BIT diff l R is carved very erent y. The legs and shoulders are to be taken o ff,and the back divided into u three or fo r pieces .

FO WL s when boiled have their legs bent inwards,and u l l u e t cked into the be ly. A fow m st never be r moved from the dish and placed upon the carver’ s plate nothing can be ul w be more v gar . The ing is to removed with a good slice

nl diffi ul hit O of the breast,the o y c ty being to the joint . T effect this,the knife is to b e passed between the leg and le u the b ody,and the g t rned back with the fork . To take o ffthe merrythought the carver must commence just above where the breast turns,and cut down slanting ;then b e gin at the rump end,and cut the breast at either side, keeping the fork in that part of the breas t nearest the rump,and turning it toward the carver ;the side-bones may easily be removed,the back broken in half,and the ’ l two sides are then easily taken ofi. All this can on y be learned by practice and although we hav e endeavored to describe it,we feel that it requires practice to carry o ut

the directions .

l A PHEASANT is carved precisely as a fow . It is only

necessary to say that ladies like the wings and breast.

CK — nl l WIL D DU . This bird is o y he ped from the breast, which is to be first scored in such a way as afterward to

l e u l n form the s ice . L mon j ice,cayenne,sa t,and port wi e made hot,should be ready to pour over it;then the pre t l v iously scored slices are to be cu and he ped . The breast is the only eatable part,except when hashed. CAR VIN G . 9 1

P AB TBID GB - m This r l l bi d is carved precise y as a fow . The legs and the back are the best parts give them to the ladies,and let the res t of the company have the wings and breast .

PIGE ONS are usually cut straight down the middle,and a half sent to each person . l TURKEY S are carved ike geese . Never make a wing cut from th e win g or pinion upward,and not from the breast u l l downward . Give yo r knife a s ight ang e in cutting,and li ll l your s ce wi be arger and better. — GOOSE To give a description of carving a goose i s to say,simply,begin from the wing and cut the slices from the breast up to the b reas tf b o ne,and serve each person li wi stuflin with a s ce, th some g and gravy . To cut a wing or leg is vulgar in the extreme ;for a large party,then,a second goose is necessary b ut lest our readers shoul d say, That is an easy way to avoid telling us how we ought to hi r ll nu dismember t s bi d, we wi conti e . If you wish to do a vulgar thing,and dismember a goose,put your fork into the small end of the pinion,and press it close to the body,then put in the knife and divide the joint down to separate the leg,first put the fork into the small end of the

‘ bone,pressing it .to the body,then pass your knife be tween the leg and the body,turn the leg back with your o fork,and it will come ff. It is impossible that anything b ut experience will teach a person how to do this expertly b ut as we said before,it never should be done when served

u l t o hot . It has been said freq ent y,that a goose is o much for one,and not enough for two . This means that the breast,which is the only eatable part of a roasted goose, is,supposing the person to e at nothing else,too much for ’ one and not enough for two people s dinners ;another reason for never cutting o ff or eating the legs ho t,is that they make a most excellent devil for breakfast the next day—therefore,why destroy a dish fit for a king N 92 CARVI G.

Wo oncooxs AND These are both carved alike

d ein : - the necessary ire g remove the , sand bag, which contains the ? is generally protrudes lift up the breast near the rump ;spread the tail on your toast cut the wing,leg,and part of the back,the wing being cut full,that is,with plenty of the breast attached thereto, and yo u have one portion with a third O f the toast ;serve the other Si de alike,v utlfr another third of the toast,and

' ‘ the breast and the rest ofisthe back give to the person yo u esteem the least ;in fact,the legs,wings,and back,as b e ul fore described,are the best,and sho d be served together. Snipes should be cut in half,unless you have enough to give a bird to each person . E T I Q UE T T E OF T HE BA L L AND S S B Y R O O A E M L M.

DAN CING has been defined as a graceful movement of the body,adjusted by art to the measures or tunes of in str uments,or of voice ; and again, agreeable to the true genius of the art,dancing is the art of expressing the s entiments of the mind,or the s ,by measured . pas ions steps orbounds made in cadence,by regulated motions of the figure and by graceful gestures all performed to the ’ u u l u ” s o nd of m sica instr ments or the voice .

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his s on, says Dancing is,in itself,a very trifl ing and silly thing : b ut it is one o fthose established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform and then they should ll And u I ul ou be able to do it we . tho gh wo d not have y a dancer,yet,when yo u do dance,I woul d have you dance well,as I woul d have yo u do everything yo u do we In anoth er letter,he writes Do yo u mindyour dancmg while your dancing master is with you As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet,I woul d

o u e it v er ll a ul have y danc y we . Remember that the gr cef motion of the arms,the giving of your hand,and the put ting o lf and putting on of your hat genteelly,are the ma ’ But t terial parts of a g entleman s dancing . the greates advantage o f dancing well is,that it necessarily teaches ll yo u to present yourself,to sit,stand,and walk gentee y ; ” all O fwhich are of real importance to a man of fashion .

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to a ball he will at ’ once proceed with her to th e door of the ladies dressing 9 1: E TIQ UE TTE OF THE ro om,there leav mg her and then repair to the gentlemen ’ s dres - sing room . In the mean time,the lady,after adjust

’ ing her toilet,will retire to the ladies sitting - room or wait at th e door of the dressing- room,according as the apart m ents may b e arranged, After the gentleman has divested im l tc l h se f of hat,e . ,and p aced the same in the care of the man having charge of the hat- room,receiving therefor a check,and after arranging his toilet,he will proceed to the ’ ’ ladies sitting- room,or wait at the entrance to the ladies dressing- room for the lady whom he accompanies ,and with

t th e ll- her en er ba room .

’ The ladies dres sing- room is a sacred precinct,into which no gentleman should ever presume to look to e nter it

ul u lo i wo d be an o trage not to be over oked or forg ven .

l With the etiquette of a bal - room,so far as it goes,there ut l u ua s are b few peop e nacq inted . Certain person a“re ap pointed to act as floor managers,or there will be a Mas ” ter of the Ceremonies, whose office it is to s e e that every thing be conducted in a proper manner if yo u are entirely a stranger,it is to them yo u must apply for a partner,and point o ut "quietly)any young lady with whomyo u shoul d like to dance,when,if there be no obvious inequality of position,they will present yo u for that purpose ;shoul d there be an obj ection,they will probably select some o ne they consider more suitable b ut do not,on any account, go to a strange lady by yours elf,and request her to dance, ” as she will unhesitatingly decline the honor, and think

ell u es u yo u an imp ertinent f ow for yo r pr mption .

A gentleman introduced to a lady by a floor manager, or the Master of Ceremonies,should not b e refused by th e lady if sh e b e - not already engaged,fo r h er refusal wo uld b e a breach of good manners as the Master of Ceremo nies is suppos e d to be careful to introduce only gentlemen “ a l But l a is nu who are unexception b e . a gent em n who

uc qualified as a dancer should never seek an introd tion . B L L AN’ D SSEMB L M A A Y ROO . 95

At a private party,a gentleman may offer to dance with a lady without an introduction,b ut at balls the rule is differ

e n Th e l ul es c ull er t. gent eman sho d r pe tf y offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with him,and lead h er to

er l At lu h p ace . the conc sion of the s et he will conduct

h er ffe h er an n s h to a seat,o r y attentio ,or conver e with er. A gentleman should no t danc e with his wife,and not too l Often with the ady to whom he is engaged .

An y presentation to a lady in a public ball- room,for the mere purpose of dancing,does not entitle yo u to claim her acquaintance afterwards ;therefore,should yo u meet s ou li u ;b ut is her,at mo t y may ft yo r hat \ even that bet — — ter avoided unless,indeed,she first b o w as neither she

w t o nor her friends can know who or ha y u are .

In inviting a lady to dance with yo u,the words, Will yo u honor me with your hand for a quadrille or, Shall I have the honor of dancingthis set with you are more ” used now than Shall I have the pleas ure ? or, Will you give me the pleas ure of dancing with you If she answers that she is engaged,merely request her to name the earliest dance for w hich she is nol engaged,

” ll ou , o u and when she wi do y the honor of dancing with y .

J When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why,although some

l o l u ma thought ess ones do not . N matter how frivo o s it y

' be,it is simply an act of c ourtesy to o fier him an excuse while,on the other hand,no gentleman ought so far to c o mpromise his s elf- respect as to take the slightest O fience at s eeing a lady by whom he h as j ust been refused,d ance l immediately after with some one e se .

’ Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, fo r nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places ;it can

l et n o m lete b e al owed only when the s is i c p . v ul et Be ery caref not to forg an engagement . It is an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you,and neglect to remind her of her promise when m the ti e to redeem it comes .

If a friend b e engaged when you requesther to dance, and she promises to b e your partner for the next or any of the following dances ,' do not neglect her when the time comes,b ut be in readiness to fulfill your office as her cava lier,or she may think that yo u have studiously slighted l l her,besides preventing her ob iging some one e se . Even inattention and forgetfulness,by showing how little you l l ul care for a ady,form in themse ves a tacit ins t .

In a quadrille,or other dance,while awaiting th e music, or while unengaged,a lady and gentleman should avoid long c onversations,as they are apt to interfere with the progress of th e dance whil e,on the other hand,a gentle man should not stand like an automaton,as though he were afraid of his partner,b ut endeavor to render hims elf agreeable by those airy nothings which amuse for the

t u moment,and are in harmony r th the occasion .

The customary honors of a b o w and courtesy should be

lu c given at the commencement and conc sion of each dan e .

Lead the lady through the quadrille do not dra her, g . nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood,lest she,not unjustly,think you a bear.

Y ou will not,if you are Wi se,stand up in a quadril without knowing something of the fig ure ;and if you are so muc t e better Bu master of a few of the steps, h h . t dance quietly ;fl o no t kick and caper about,nor sway your body to and fro dance onlyfromthe hips downwards and lead i the lady as l ghtly as you would tread a measure with a e Spirit of gossam r.

ETIQ UETTE OF THE

N0 persons engaged in a quadrille or other dance that requires the1 r assistance to complete the set,should leave the room or sit down before the dance is finished,unless on a very urgent occasion,and not even then without pre

' v ro usly info rming the Master of Ceremonies,that he may find u u s bstit tes .

i If a lady waltz with you,beware not to press her waist yo u must only lightly touch it with the palm o fyour hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impress ion not only o n her

n ure t mi cei t ,b u on her nd .

Above all,do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room it disturbs the harmony of the company,and should be avoid l ll a us nd ed ii possib e . Reco ect that tho a little derelie tions from s,trict propriety may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor,- and no t from any intention to annoy remember,also,that the really well- bred women will no t thank you for making them conspicuous by over o fficio us ness in their defence,unless,indeed,there be some i um serious or glaring v olation of decor . In small matters, ladies are b o able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer b eihg allowed to overwhelm the unlucky n offenderin their o w way.

When a gentleman has occasion to pass through an assem blage of ladies,where it is absolutely impossible to make his way without disturbing them or when he is obliged to go in front,b ecaus e he cannot get behind them,it is b ut common courtesy for him to express his regret at being compelled to annoy them .

A gentleman having two ladies in charge may,inthe absence of friends,address a stranger,and offer him a part ner,asking his name previous to an introduction,and men tio ning that of the lady to him or not,as he may think proper. BAL L A N D SSEMBL M A Y ROO . 99

Itis improper to e ngage or reengage a lady to dance

i without the permi ss on of her partner .

Never forget that ladies are to be first cared for,to have the best seats,the places of distinction,and are entitled in u u c all cases to your co rteo s prote tion .

Young ladies should avoid sauntering through an assem bly- room alone they should either be accompanied by their l guardian or a gent eman . Neither married nor young ladies should leave a ball u room assemblage,or other party, nattended . The former should be accompanied by other married ladies,and the u di u l latter by their mother or g ar an . Of co rse,a gent e uffi man is a s cient companion for either .

Young ladies shoul d avoid attempting to take part in a dance,particularly a quadrille,unless they are familiar u l with the fig res . Besides rendering themse ves awkward and confused,they are apt to create ill -feeling,by inter a fering with,and nnoying others . It were better for them to forego the gratification ‘ of dancing than to risk the chances of making themselves conspi cuous,and the s ub As j ectof animadversion . we have elsewhere said,modesty of deportment should be the shining and preeminent char acteris tic of woman . She should be modest in her attire, u in lang uage,in manners and general demeanor . Bea ty becomes irresistible when allied ti) this lodestone of attrae tion plainness of features is o verlooked by it even posi m lin flue tiv e h o e es s l . ‘ is rendered agreeab e by its in nce

When a gentleman escorts a lady to a ball,he should dance with her first,or offer so to do and it should be his care to see that she is provided with a partner whenever she desires to dance .

After dancing,a gentleman should invariably conduct a lady to a seat,unles s she otherwise desires and,in fact,a lady should not be unattended,at any time,in a public as s emb ly

When yo u conduct your partner to her seat,thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you,and do not l n remain too ong conversi g with her.

When that long and anxiously desiderated hour,the hour of supper,has arrived,yo u hand the lady yo u attend u u - l Y o u p or down to the s pper tab e . remain with her while she is at the table,seeing that she has all that she

u t d - desires,and then cond c her back to the ancing rooms .

If,whne walking up and down a public promenade,you ’ should meet friends or acquain tances whom you don t intend to join,it is only necessary to salute them the first time of passing ;to bow or nod to them at every round ul i , v no wo d be t resome and therefore improper ha e‘ fear that they will deem you odd or unfriendly,as,if they have

all u o any sense at ,they can appreciate yo r reasons . If y u hi have anyt ng to say to them,join them at once .

We have already alluded to the necessity of discarding all cant terms and phrases from conversation,not only in assembly-rhoms,b ut on all occasions ; and we would par ticularly caution our younglady friends against even the recognition of those équic o ques and do uble entendre which the other sex sometimes inconsiderately,b ut oftener deter minedly,introduce .

Neither by smiles nor blushes should they betray any knowledge of the hidden meaning that lurks within a phrase of doubtful import nor seem to reco gnize anything which they could not with propriety openly make a subject of u All l ul disco rse . inde icate expressions sho d be to them as the Sanscrit language is to most people) inco mprehensi 1 l s r hi ar li b le. A 1 wanton g ance and g imaces,w ch e by b

di fi e manners than their extraor nary re n ment . On being solicited by an acquaintance,whom he respected for his kindness of heart and integrity rather than for ll l S mental accomplishments , to dance with his daughter, he con sented,and was accordingly introduced to a very beautiful u l th e idance l yo ng ady. Ere commenced,and whi e the

' musicians were performing the Anvil Chorus, from ” Trovatore, the young lady asked Do you know what ’ that ere is Suppo smg that she meant air,and wishing to give her an opportunity of making herself happy in the thought of imparting a valuable piec e o f information,inutter disre l O “ ” Mrs . gard of the princip es of pie,he replied, No . ‘ “ ” “ ’ ” An el - - u Why, said she, that s the v Core ri o s . With an expletive more profane than polite,he suddenly foundhis admiration for the lady as much diminished by her ignorance,as it had before been exalted by her

‘ ' At pr1 v ate ,assemb lies,it should be the efiort of both ladies and gentlemen to render themselves as agreeable as s l all ur s v pos ib e to parties . With this p po e in iew,the latter should,therefore,avoid showing marked preferences to particular ladies, either by devoting their undivided “ clu el attentions or dancing ex siv y with them . Too often, the belle of the evening,with no other charms than beauty of form and feature,monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers,while modest merit,of less personal attraction, l u is both overlooked and neg ected. We honor the genero s “ ” conduct of those, particularly the well- favored, who bestow their attentions on ladies who,from conscious lack

of beauty,least expect them .

On the other hand,no lady,however numerous the soli citations o f her admirers,should consent to dance repeat edly,when,by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement still less,as w e have B L L AN D SSEMBL M A A Y ROO . elsewhere hinted,should she dance exclusively with the

l a s same gent eman,to the disadvant ge of other .

Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about ln ~ tro ducing persons to each other without being first satis

e uc u ll u u ll l fi d that s h a co rse wi be m t a y agreeab e .

The custom,in this country,particularly among gentle men,of indiscriminate introductions,is carried to such a ridicul ous extent,that it has often been made the sub ject of comment by foreign ers,who can discover no possible advantage in being made acquainted with others with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes,in whom they take not the slightest interest,and whom they probably will never again encounter,nor recogmz e if they d h as i s hould. Besi es,every one a right to exercise h s own judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances,and i it is clearly a breach of pol teness to thrust them upon your friend or associate,without knowing whether it will le be agreeab to either party. V N NG P R S E E I A T I E .

THE etiquette of the ball-room being disposed of,let us l l now enter s ight y into that of an evening party .

The invitations issued and accepted for an evening party will be written in the same style as those already described

- for a dinner party. They should be sent o ut at least three

” weeks before the day fix ed fqr the event,and should be replied to within a week of their receipt,accepting or de clin n i t r e u 1 g w h egr ts . By attending to these co rtesies, the guests will have time to consider their engagements and prepare their dresses,and the hostess will also know

ll b e u h e r a what wi the n mber of p rty.

A lady,invited to an evening party,may request a gen tleman to accompany her,even though he may not have received an invitation from the hostess .

’ In most of the American cities nine o clock is the hour which custo m has established as the time for the lady to be in her parlor,ready to receive her guests,and by ten ’ ff o clock all the guests should arrive . It is an a ectation, no t entirely devoid of assumption and impudence,for peo ple to purposely delay their appearance till a very late hour . ir As the ladies and gentlemen arrive,each should he shown to a room exclusively provided for their reception ;and the gentleman conducts the lady in his charge to the door ’ l of the ladies dre ssing ro o m,while he goes to the gentle

E VENIN G P TIE 1 06 AR S .

all e l c s by pr sent,its observance is not the ess ne e sary. It is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and mixed companies ,where a greater degree of studied polite; ness is indispensable, that renders them sometimes so u l np easant.

A separate room orconvenient b ufi et should be appro priated for refreshments,and to which the dancers may retire ;and cake s and biscuits,with lemonade, handed roun d

Of course a supper is provided at all private parties and this requires,o n the part of the hostess,a great deal of t u u u ll l at ention and s pervision . It s a y takes p ace between the first and second parts of the programme of the dances, of which there should be several prettily written o rprin ted

” copies distributed about the room.

It will be well for the hostess,even if she be very partial to the amusement,and a graceful dancer,not to participate ~ in it to any great extent,lest her lady g uests should have o ccasion to complain of her monopoly of the gentlemen, l and other causes of neg ect.

A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the en tertainment;without unduly trenching on the attention due to her guests .

’ The hostess or host,during the progress o f a party,will courteously accost and chat with their friends,and take care that the ladies are furnished with seats,and that those r A l wh o wish to dance are p ovided with partners . gent e hint from the ho stess,conveyed in a quiet ladylike man ner,that certain ladies have remained unengaged during several dances,is sure no t to be neglected by any gentle man us ll udi c and o . Th wi be st ed the omfort enj yment of the g uests,and no lady,in leaving the house,will be able to feel the chagrin and disappo intment of not having been E E VEATIN G P A R TI S .

stand up in a dance during the whole

For any of the members,either sons or daughters,of the family at whose house the party is given,to dancefre

- T h e quently or constantly,denotes decided ill breeding. ladies of the house should not occupy thos e places in a quadrill e which others may wish to fill,and they should, moreover,be at leisure to attend to the rest of the com . pany ; and the gentlemen should be entertaining the married ladies and those who do not dance .

In p rivate parties,a lady is no tto refuse the invitation u l of a gentleman to dance,unless she be previo s y engaged . T h e hostess must be supposed to have asked to her h ouse only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly re spectab le and of unblemished character,as well as pretty equal in p o sition and thus,to decline the oder of any gentleman present,would be a tacit reflection on the gen i t leman or lady of the house .

If one lady refuses yo u,do not ask another who is seated c l near her to dan e the same set . Do not go i mmediate y to another lady,b ut chat a few moments with th e one whom yo u first invited,and then join a group or gentlemen friends for a few moments,before seeking another partner.

In private parties,where dancing is the chief part of the ’ evening s entertainment,it is not in conformity wi h the rules of etiquette for a young lady to dance with o ne gentle man repeatedly,to the exclusion of all others wh o may s olicit her hand, even though the favored individual b e h er

u l th e la th e s itor. However comp imentary to dy,to be ’ recipient of a gentleman s undivided attentions, or how ever gratifying it may be for him to manifest his devotion to the lady of his choice,such a course is an exhibition o f selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an assem , blage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for

It is not considered comme él faut to ask a married lady to dance,when her husband i s present,without previously l him ascertaining whether it be agreeab e to .

Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neg lect of the ladies .

The members of an 1 nv 1 ted family should never be seen conversing with each other at a party

If yo u accompany yo ur wife to a daneing party,be care zX ’ ful fi not to dance with her,except perhaps the rst set .

Where there are no programmes,engagements should t no be made until the dance is announced .

When the dance 1 s over,the gentleman conducts his partner to her seat ;and,unless he chooses to sit beside her,bows and withdraws .

While dancing,a lady should consider herself engaged to her partner,and therefore not at liberty. to hold a flirta tion,between the figures,with another gentleman and should recollect that it is the gentleman ’s part to lead her, and hers to follow his directions.

In a circle,w e should not pass before - a lady ;neither should we present anything by extending the arm over h er,

ut n and e e a b pass round behi d pr s nt it . In c se we carmot

n e do it,we say,I ask your pardo , tc.

In ascending a staircase with ladies,go at their side or before them .

A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one,

' and those who are deficient in this respect should refrain in u from danc g. Let not the npracticed dancer attempt

V I P A T ES 1 1 0 E EN NG R I .

We conclude o ur strictures on this subject w“ith the fol lowing passage from the essays of Addison But what an ab surd thing it is,to pass over all the valuable charac

‘ teristics of individuals, and fix o ur attention on their — infirmities to observe their imperfectio ns more than their — virtues and to make us e of th em for the sport of others, o ur own rather than for improvement .

In whatever relation with the fair sex,and under what — soever circumstances,it is the duty we may add,the — practice o i a gentleman to so deport himself as to avoid u ff giving any ca se of o ense . c

In private parties ,where people meet for the pleasure of m ll u l conversation,re ember occasiona y to change yo r p ace . Opportunities will readily occur,such,for instance,as the opening of a portfolio of prints,or the showing of any Y ou will u article of taste or science . th s avoid the awk wardness of being either left alone,or constraining the master or mistress of the house to commiserate yo ur is ol

ated condition .

If yo u are asked by the lady of the house,at an evening party,to sing,and you can really do so well,comply at

ue h f once b ut never sing at the req st of anot er person . I yo u cannot or do not choose to sing,say so at once with seriousness and gravity,and put an end to the expectation l Af prompt y. ter singing once or twice,cease and give

r place to othe s .

When singing or playing 1 s gow g on,if you have no ul ll ro fo rmdl l taste for music,you sho d sti be p y si ent . To c onverse,is annoying to the rest of the company,rude to u u l the mistress of the ho se,and cr e to the performer.

Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner ;and every ’ l wish to show o fi,or to absorb conversation to yourse f . Be also very careful no t to appear to be wiser than the com E V I P T E EN NG AR I S. 1 1 1

a in hi pany . If fact story is mentioned,even if it be not quite correct,do not set th e narrator right,unless i n a very

u s delicate and s bmi sive manner . If an engrav mg of dis tant sc enery or foreign buildings is shown,do not indus ur m triously point o ut inacc acies . It ay be that such Occur, b ut fin ding fault is never acc eptable it conveys a censure on the taste o r information of the poss essor or it suggests — that he has been imposed upon an idea which is always

mo rtificatio n uc productive of . S h attempts to appear wiser than the rest of the company,interfere with the pleasure of the party,and the person who " falls into them l is never long acceptab e .

People Sometimes say,that they are not invited to par ties ;they complain o f neglect,and are o ut of humor with

l u i r the wor d. Let s ch persons cons de whether they have not brought upon themselves the neglect which they de plore .

Should the guests be numerous,and the space scarcely sufi cient for their accommodation,it would be consid ered extremely ill- bred to take a plac e previously engaged or, when joining a country dance,to push in at the middle or Y ou u u l w l s upper end . m st take yo r station be o the a t n co uple who are standi g up.

If there be a supper,the gentleman should conduct to the supper- room his last partner,unless he have a prior i engagement,or is asked by the host to do otherw se . In the latter case,he should provide his partner with a sub l stitute ,at the same time making a handsome apo ogy .

No gentleman shoul doffer hi s s ervic es to conduct a lady home,without being acquainted with her,unless he hav e been requested so to do by the host .

When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, or the time for their departure arrived,they should make ' E V I P A T E 1 1 2 EN NG R I S. a slight intimation to the hostess,without,however,excit u ing any observation,that they are abo t to depart. If this cannot be done witho ut creating too much bustle,it will be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying good - night,for when people are seen to be leaving,it often u An tuni e breaks p the party. oppor ty,how ver,may pre viously be sought of intimating to the hostess your inten

hi c ul tion to retire,w ch is more respe tf .

During the course of the week,the hostess will expect to receive from every guest a call,where it is possible,or cards expressing the gratification experienced from her

T due r l entertainment . his attention is to eve y ady for the pains and trouble she has been at,and tends to promote i dl lin social,k n y fee gs.

VISITIN 1 1 4 G. t"

u o u req ested to do so by the mistress of the h se . Some trouble is necessarily required in replacing th em,and this

u u t r o ght to be avoided . If,however,yo r visi of c e emony

' is to a particular friend,the case is difierent ;b ut even then,it is best to wait till you are invi ted to do so ;and when you rise for th e purpose the lady of th e house will s u a sist yo .

Favorite dogs are never welcome v isitors in a drawing l sl u n r . l oom Many peop e have even a di ike to s ch a ima s . They require watching,lest they should leap upon a chair ’ or sofa,or place themselves upon a lady s dress,and atten h tions of this kind are much o ut of place . Neit er ought a mother,when p aying a ceremonial visit,to be accompanied

l - u l d fi cult u by young chi dren . It is freq ent y i to am se them,and,if not particularly well trained at home,they natur ally seize hold of books,o r those ornaments with

hich is l d - w it fashionab e to decorate a rawing room . The lady ’ of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful shell, l no t l or vase,or cost y book. She does ike to express her

y uneasiness,and et knows not how to refrain. Therefore leave the children at home ‘ ;or,if they accompany yo u in l t ll u is u the carriage, e them remain ti yo r visit over . If yo have an infant,the nurse may await your return,or be left in an ante- room,unless a decided request be made to the contrary .

Ifduring yoursho rt visit the conversation begins to flag, l u a it will be best to retire . The ady of the ho se may h ve s ome engagement at a fixed hour,and by remaining even a few minutes lo nger,she may be put to serious inco n v n e hin e ience . Do not,however,s em to notice any silent t, by rising hastily ;b ut take leave with quiet p oliteness,as u if yo r time were fully expired . When other v isitors are announced,retire as soon as possible,and yet without let it u ill ting appear that their arrival is the ca se . Wait t the bustle of their entrance 31s over,and then rise from your V SIT N I I G. 1 5 6

chair,take leave of the hostess,and bow politely to the B ' s o ou ll a guests . y doing y wi s ve the lady of the hous e li t o from being ob ged to entertain w sets of visitors .

Should yo u call by chance at an incanv enient hour,when p erhaps the lady is going o ut,or sitting down to luncheon, r as l l el reti e soon as possib e,even if po it y asked to remain . Y ou ne ed not let it appear that y ou feel yourself an intruder ;every well - bred or even good-tempered pers on knows what to say on such an o ccasmn b ut politely with

" draw,with a promise to call again,if the lady seems to be

really disappointed .

If your acquaintance or friend is from home,leave a it ou ll in card, whether y ca in a carriage or not . If the latter,the servant will answer your inquiry,and receive your card b ut on no account ask leave to go in and rest neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom yo u desire to see is really at home,or even if you flatter u l uld c u yo rse f that she wo make an ex eption in yo r favor. Some people think that the form of words, Not at home,” is readily understood to mean that the master or mistress of the house have no wish to see even his or her most inti hi o u mate friends . However t s may be,take care that y do not attempt to effect an entrano

Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at Christmas,or at the commencement of a new year,inde pendently ' o f family parties ; a good o ld custom, the observanc e o f which is always pleasing,and which should b e ull is unif l call caref y attended to . It orm y right to

' on patrons,or those from whom kindness has been re i ce v ed.

When th e caller is ab out to leav e th e city for a protracted ab sence,it is usual to ut th left h and corner ofthe card th e are p e letters P . P . 0 . in th e ; y “ ” — th e initials o f th e French phrase, po ur prendre congé to take leav e, and may with equal propriety stand for presents parting co mpliments V T 1 1 6 ISI IN G. 5

In visiting your i nti mate fri ends,ceremony may gener ll a y be dispensed with .

‘ K u ur l hi eep a strict acco nt of yo ceremonia visits . T s is needful,because time passes rapidly ;and take note how u ll u Y ou ll u l soon yo r ca s are ret rned . wi th s be ab e,in most cases,to form an opinion whether or not your frei u r ir q ent visits a e des ed . Instances may however occur, when,in consequence of age or ill health,it is desirable that you should call,without any reference to your v isits u e e i u act u being ret rn d . When d s ro s to th s,remember that,if possible,nothing should interrupt the discharge of s ut thi d y.

Among relations and intimate friends,Vi sits of mere u i s ul ceremony are nnecessary. It ,however, needf to call at suitable times,and to avoid staying too long if your u c l friend is engaged . The co rtesies of so iety,as a ready noticed,must ever be maintained,even in the domestic l ‘ circ e,or among the nearest friends .

In leav ing cards yo u must thus distribute them one for the lady of the house and her daughters—the latter are sometimes represented by turning up the edge of the card — one for the master of the house,and if the re be a gr own up son or a near male relation staymg 1 11 the house,one But u o u u for him . tho gh cards are cheap,y m st never u leave more than three at a time at the same ho se . As married men have,or are supposed to have," too much to ' do to ‘ make ceremonial calls,it is the cus to m for a wife to take her husband’ s cards with her,and to leave one or u i u th e two of them with her own . If,on yo r“nq iring for l o - - so lady of the house,the servant rep ies, Mrs . S and is ” not at home,b ut Miss So - and- s o is, you should leave a card,because young ladies do not receive calls from gen tlemen unless they are very intimate with them, or u u have passed the rubicon of thirty s mmers . It m st be remembered,too,that where there is a lady of the house,

I TIN 1 1 8 V SI G.

i if the servant once admts a visitor within the hall,yo u .

ul i c ur l ' sho d rece v e him at any inconvenien e to yo se f. A lady should never keep a visitor waitin g mo re than a min ute,or two at the most,and if she cannot avoid doing so,

u l - m st apo ogize on entering the drawing room .

I s ” ? In good society,a visitor,unless he is a complete stran ger,does not wait to be invited to sit down,b ut takes a l A l ul a seat at once e si y . gent eman sho d never take the principal place in the room,nor,on the other hand,sit at i l an inconven ent distance from the ady of the house . He must hold his hat gracefully,not put it on a chair or l ,, s use , u l e tab e or if he want to, both hands m st p ac

fl l A ll- l it on the oor c ose to his chair . we bred ady,who is receiving two or three visitors at a time,pays equal atten tion to all,and attempts,as much as possible,to general

h e u n all ucc ize t conversation,t r ing to in s ession . The last arrival,however,receives a little more attention at first than the others,and the latter,to spare h er emb arrasment,

l n le o - shou d le ave as soon as co venient . Peop who ut sit two or three parties of visitors ,unless they have some par ticular motive for doing so,come under the denomination “ ” “ h o of bores . A bore is a person w does not know o u u his a when y have had eno gh of or her comp ny.

Be cautious how you take an intimate friend uninv ited even to the house of those with whom you may be equally intimate,as there is always a feeling of jealousythat anoth er should share your thoughts and feelings to the same ex tent as themselves,although good breeding will induce civ ill u u c u them to behave y to yo r friend on yo r ac o nt.

Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable license in paying and receiving visits subject,however,to i u ful fi certa n r les,which it is need to de ne.

Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone VI ITIN G S . 1 1 9

u l l ul by their h sbands or e der adies . This r e must never i be infr nged,whether as regards exhibitions,or public libraries,museums,or promenades ;b ut a young married lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, l l whether married or sing e . Gent emen are permitted to ll l di s i lio us es u ca on married a e at the r own . S ch calls the usages of society permit,b ut never without the knowledge u and full permission of h sbands .

L adies may walk unattended in the streets,being careful — to pass on as becomes their station neither with a hurried

et ff c l l - pace,nor y a e ting to move s ow y. Shop windows, ' in New York especially,afiord great attractions b ut it is by no means desirable to be seen standing before them, l and most assuredly not a one . Be careful never to look back,nor to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies o u S ul an o e tu r u as may pass y . ho d y n ven re to add ess yo , s b ut u take no heed, eem not to hear, hasten yo r steps . Be careful to reach home in good time . Let nothing ever in duce yo u to be o ut after dusk,or when the lamps are light b ut unav o1 dab le i u ed . Nothing necess ty can sanction s ch acts of impro priety .

Lastly,a lady never calls on a gentleman,unless pro

ffi all l ill- fes sio nally or o ci y. It is not on y bred,b ut posi l s o At h e tiv e y improper to do . t same time,there is a cer tain privilege in age,which makes it possible for an o ld bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any married lady whom I know very intimately,b ut such a call would certainl y not be one of ceremo ny,and always presupposes a desire to consult me on some point or other . I should be guilty of shameful treachery,however,if I told any one that I had received such a visit,while I should certainly ll o ul let u expect that my fair ca er w d her h sband know of it . When morning visitors are announced,rise and advance l u toward them . If a ady enters,req est her to be seated on a s ofa b ut if advanced in life,or th e visitor be an elder T 1 20 VISI IN G. ly gentleman,insist on their accepting an easy chair,and f place yoursel ,by them . If several ladies arrive at the same time,pay due respect to age and rank,and seat them in th e mo st honorable places these,in winter,are beside

fire the .

Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat,and a lady older than herself,or superior in c ondition,enters the room,she must ris e immediately,and having courteous ly offered her place to the new comer,take another in a dif ferent part of the room .

If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, she ought to discontinue her work,unless requested to do otherwise and not even then must it be resumed,unless

t a u on very in im te terms with her acq aintance . When

‘ this,however,is the c ase,the hostess may herself request c u in u permissio n to do so . To ontin e work g d ring a visit of ceremony would be extremely discourteous and we can not avoid hinting to o ur lady readers,that even when a particular friend is present for only a short time,it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting- book,apparently engaged in

c u l counting stit hes,or nfo ding the intricacies of a pattern . We have seen this done,and are,therefore,careful to warn u l them on the s bject . There are many kinds of ight and elegant,and even useful work,which do not require close attention,and may be profitably pursued ;and such we recommend to be always on the Work- table at those hours which, according to establis hed practice,are given to s ocial intercourse .

It is generally customary in the country to offer refresh ment to morning visitors . If they come from a considera b le distance,and are on intimate terms,hospitality requires lu that you should invite them to take ncheon . In town it is otherwise, and you not expected to render any { are

1 22 which it leads,has been,to our certain knowledge,a more fruitful source of wretchedness in many homes,than we cl l have either time or in ination to re ate .

In this changing world,visits of condolence must be also occasionally paid ;and concerning such,a few necessary fl rules may be brie y stated.

Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after hi ut u the event w ch occasions them ;b if the , acq aintance be slight,immediately after the family appear at public A ul u u worship . card sho d be sent p and if yo r friends are able to receive yo u,let your manners and conversation t u u be in harmony with the charac er of yo r visit . It is co r

cu u u l di te s to send p a mo rning card and‘ for a es ll l il l - cold to make their ca s in b ack s k or p ain tpd apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the amictio ns of the u l easm family and s ch attentions are a ways pl g .

Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that,when they pay morning calls,they must carry their hats with them into th e drawing- room ;b ut on no account put them on l i s ul the chairs or tab e . There a gracef manner of holding

e ll- u a h at,which very we bred man nderstands .

When calling upon a friend who is boarding,do not go up till the servant returns with an invitation ;and never enter a room without previo usly knocking at the door,and in u receiving an invitation to come . S ch Observ ances are n a le mdispe s b ,even between the nearest friends .

A gentleman when calling upon a lady,and finding that o ne of her lady friends is with her,must rise when the v isitor takes her leave,and accompany her to the hall door — or if she has a carriage,he should hand her into it sup ~ posing,however,that no gentleman related to the mistress u e o fthe house be present. If yo r visit has b en of sufficient length,yo u can take your leave when accompanying the lady o ut of the room .

It h appens occasionally that two persons are visiting diff l erent members of the same fami y. When this o ccurs, and one visitor takes leav e,the lady or gentleman whos e

has us l uld - visitor j t eft sho remain in the drawing room .

c u u w It is onsidered disco rteo s to do other ise . 5

‘ In mos t famil1 es in this country,evening calls are the

u ul ou l most sual. Sho d y chance to visit a fami y,and find that they have a party,present yourself,and converse for a few minutes with an unembarrassed air after which you l may retire,unless urged to remain . A s ight invitation,

c u u given for the sake of o rtesy,o ght not to be accepted . Make no apology for your unintentional intrusi on b ut let it be known,in the course of a few days,that you were not aware that your friends had company .

An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting u th eir guests for a given p eriod . Th s,for example,an ’ invitation is sent, stating that a friend s company is requested on a certain day,mentioning also for what length

' of time,and if a carriage cannot be o fiered to meet the v isitor,stating expressly the best mode of coming and l l t going . We recommend this admirab e p an to the mas er and mistress of every dwellin g which is sufi ciently capa it l u A u cions to aM of receiving an occasiona g est . yo ng lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time in the coun try, b ut she cannot possibly understand whether the 1 nV1 tation extends to a few days,or a week,or a month, and consequently is much puzzled with regard to the ul arrangement of her wardrobe . Domestic cons tations are held the letter is read over and over again every one gives a different o p1 mo n,and when the visit is entered upon,somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the e m b arrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose l taking eave . V ITIN 1 24 IS G.

rece1 u u In v 1ng g ests,yo r first object should be ,to mak e them feel at home . Begging them to make themselves at

sufi cient Y o u ul home is not . sho d di splay a genuine un l afiecte d friend iness . Whether yo u are mistress of a mansion or a cottage,and invite a fri end to share your hospitality,you must every possible means, to render the visit agr should be done with herself to be a you put yourself o ut pleasures . It is right

is altered on her acc felt,and the pleasant anticipations which she most prob ll l li L et u ably entertained wi fai to be rea zed. yo r friend be assured; from your manner,that her pres ence is a real enjoyment to yo u- ah incentive to recreations which other wis e woul d not be thought of in the common routine of if u l ou l e. Observe yo r own fee ings when y happen to be the guest of a pers on who,though he may be very much your friend,and really glad to see yo u,seems not to know what to do either with yo uor himself and again,when in the house of another yo u feel as much at ease as in your

iffe c a l f l own . Mark the d ren e,more e si y e t than described, between the manners of the two,and deduce therefrom a

lesson for your own improvement .

If yo u have guests in your house,you are to appear to feel that they are all equal for the tinne,for they all have hum an equal claim upon your courtesies . Those of the blest condition will receive fall as much attention as th e rest,in order that you shall not painfully make them feel

their inferiority.

Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your 1? o wn rooms,furniture,or viands,and expressing regrets

VISITIN 1 26 G. and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, that this small act of politeness is indispensable,not in the form of a set speech,b ut by a natural flowing forth of

l 1 s l r u l n right fee ing. It a so proper,on et rning home,to f0 1 m your friends of your safe arrival ;the s ense which yo u entertain of their hospitality,and the gratification u l ll t derived from yo r visit,may be a so gracefully a uded o .

The chain which binds society together 1 s formed of innumerable links . Let it be your part to keep those links uniformly bright ;and to see that neither dust nor rust accumulate upon them . S R ET I UE ' ‘ T E E T Q T IE .

THE books of etiquette tell you,that if you have been introduced to a lady and yo u afterward meet her l n the street,you mus t not bow to her unless she bow first,in order,as the books say,that she may have an opportunity to cut you if she does not wish to continue the acquaint hi l . 1 s But c ance T s the Eng ish fashion . on the ontinent of Europe the rule is reversed,and no lady,however inti mate yo u may be W1 th her will ackno wledge you in the

u l ou fir e street n ess y st honor her with a bow of r cognition . t Am lik B u the erican fashion is not e either of them . For here the really well- bred man always politely and respect fully bows to every lady he kn ows,and,if she is a well l bred woman,she acknow edges the respect paid her . If she expects no further acquaintance,her bow 1 s a mere formal,b ut always respectful,recognition of the good man ners which have been shown her,and no gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further u u But ul l and en acq aintance ninvited . why sho d a ady g I tleman,who know who each other are, scornfully and do ggedly pas a each other in the streets as though they were enem1 es There i s no good reas on for such impolite As c a w t ness,in the practice of politeness . omp red i h the English,the French or c ontin ental fashion i s c ei ts inly

i n But th e more consonant with the rul es of go o d b eedi g . American rule is better than either,for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle,that it is every gentle s rrcffi j r E TI UE TTE 1 28 Q .

’ ’ and l u l all l man s ady s d ty to be po ite in p aces . Unless parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the common rules of politeness,there should be no e i ul u d viation from this practice . It is a r dic o s idea that

c ill- u we are to practi e manners in the name of etiq ette .

fi While walking th e street no one should be so absent n l mi ded as to neg ect to recognize his friends . If you do not stop,yo u should always bow,touch your hat,or bid

‘ ur da ou o u can ff u yo friend good y. If y stop, y o er yo r u u l o u o l hand witho t removing yo r g ove . If y st p to ta k, l If u h as retire on one side of the wa k . yo r friend a stran ger with him and you have anything to say,you should l l u a apo ogize to the stranger . Never eave yo r friend b i ruptly to see another person without ask ng him to excuse your departure If you meet a gentleman of your acquaint ance walking with a lady whom yo u do not know,lift your lu o u l ou ul hat as yo u sa te them . If y know the ady,y sho d lu fir sa te her st .

Never nod to a lady in the street,neither be satisfied — with touc hing your hat,but take it Off it 1 s a courtesy her

e s x demands .

A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance of the rules of politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he will not be met with recipro o f t t h ul e u cal marks respec . For ins ance,he s o d not r f se to raise his h at to an acquaintance who 1 s accompanied by a lady,lest her escort should,from ignorance or s tolid

ea ity,return his polite salutatio n with a nod of the h d. It is b etter no t to see him,than to set th e example o f a u n u lu all uc and r de a d indecoro s sa tation . In s h cases, in all c ases,he who is most cour teous has the advantage,and should never feel that he has made a humiliating sacrifice o a b e f his personal dignity. It is for the party whose havior has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferi o rit y .

‘ s mmzr E 1 30 TIQ UE TTE . prevent her from being perpetually jostled and run against the u by h rrying crowd .

Yo u should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walkin g whenever her safety,comfort,or conv emence may m u u u At see to req ire s ch attention on yo r part. night your arms ho uld always be tendered,and also when ascend u l l ing the steps of a p b ic bui ding. In walking with any pers on yo u should keep step with military precision,and with ladies and elderly people you should always acco mmo u ir date yo r speed to the s .

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who is a stranger to yo u,you should return it, u l b ut not for yo rse f, for her.

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store,you should hold the dooropen and allow her to enter first,if practicable for you must never pass before a lady o u t w ut l anywhere,if y can avoid i ,or itho an apo ogy.

In England,it 1 3 a mark of low breeding to smoke mthe ut ul l u streets . B in America the r e does not ho d to q ite that extent ;though,even here,it is not often that you catch a gentleman of the strictest sect,” in the street with a cigar or pipe in his mouth . For a man to go into the street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth is a shocking sight,which no gentleman will ever be g uilty of exhibiting for he inevitably subjects the woman to the very worst of suspicions .

Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting.

No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels,nor on the corners of the streets,gazing impertinently at the u u a l s ladies as they pass . That is s ch an nmist kab e ign of a loafer,that one can hardly imagine a well-bred man do in g such a thing. S TR EE T E rI UE’TTE Q . 1 31

Never offer to shake hands with a lady in -the street if

" o u v l o u ma l e y ha e on dark g oves,as y y soi her whit ones . If you meet a lady friend with whom yo u wish to converse, you must not stop,b ut turn and walk along with her and should she be walking with a gentleman,first assure "your s elf that yo u are not intruding before yo u attempt to join l the two in their wa k .

After twilight,a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner,by walking alone ;and if she passes the evening with any one,she ought,before hand,to prov ide some one to come for her at a stated hour b ut if this is not practicable,she should politely ask of the person wh oni she is visiting,to permit a s ervant to , Bu u accompany her . t, however m ch this may be con s idered proper,and consequently an obligation,a married lady,well educated,will disregard it if circumstances pre vent her being able,without trouble,to find a conductor .

If the host wishes to accompany you himself,you must excuse yourself politely for giving him so much trouble,

ni arr1 m u b ut fi sh,however,by accepting. On v g at yo r

' u house,you sho ld o fier him your thanks . In order to avoid these two inconveniences,it will be well to request your husband,or some one of your relatives,to come and wait upon yo u yo u will,in this way,avoid all inco nv en iences,and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in,especially in small towns,con cerning e v en the most innocent acts .

If,when on your way to fulfill an engagement,a friend stops you in the street,yo u may,without committing any breach of etiquette,tell him of your appointment,and release yourself from a long talk,b ut do so in a courteous manner,expressing regret for the necessity .

In inquiring for goods at a shop or store,do not say,I ~ want so and so ,b ut sayto the shapman Sho w me such or S T E T TI TT 1 32 RE E Q UE E. — e or use some o ther polite d r o u m form of a d ess . If y are obliged to exa me a number of articles before yo u are suited,apologize to the sh op u l o f ll keeper for the tro b e y u give him . I,after a , you cannot suit yourself,re new your apologies when y o u go ou l ll u s him—I away. If y make on y sma p rcha es,say to

rr l ou fli hin am so y for having troub ed y for so tri ng a t g.

Yo u need not stop to pull o ff your glove to shake hands l with a lady or ent eman . If it is warm weather it is more g — agreeable to both parties that the glove should be o u es pecially if it is a lady with whom you shake hands,as the perspiration of your bare hand would b e very likely to soil

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street,he will lift his hat,or at least touch it respectfully,

” li f he a n ui as he rep es . I c nnot give the informatio req red, he will express his regrets . l When tr1 pp1 ng over the pavement,a lady should grace l fully raise her dress a little above her ank e . With her right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown s and draw them toward the right side . To raise the dres ul un on both sides,and with b oth hands,is v gar. This graceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud 1 s very deep .

Most American ladies in our ies wear too rich and / cit ll expensive dresses in the street . Some,indeed,wi sweep

' the side-walks with costly stufis only fit for a drawing- room n hi is in atill- tu or a car age . T s bad taste,and is wh na red people would term snobbish .

TR A EL IN 1 34 V G . to cause you to disregard the rights of fellow or r ul u due fo get the respectf co rtesy to woman . The pleas antes t or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies,and yo u should never refuse to resign such seats 190 them w ith ul l l a cheerf po iteness . Sometimes a gent eman will go through a car and choose his seat,and afterward vacate it to procure his ticket,leavin g his overcoat or carpet bag to e Al show that the s at is taken . ways respect this token, and never se1 ze upon a seat thus secured,without leave,

u o u for la even tho gh y may want it a dy. It is not always necessary for a gentleman to rise after he h as seated him self and oder his seat to a lady,particularly if the lady 1 s accompanied by another gentleman ;for there may still be

i s But ul ou ehg ble vacant seats in the car . sho d y see a lady c ome alone,a nd if the s eats in the car all appear to be filled,do not hesitate to offer her yo urs,ii yo u have no l di s u And ho uld l e a e in yo r company. s a ady motion to s at

’ herself beside you,rise at once and o fier her the choice

t b ut c of the wo seats . These are common ourtesies that

ll- ll all c ull f the every we bred man wi at times heerf y .of er to other sex .

Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough,is a measure of which travelers generally appear a as u to be very shy . There is no re son for this, acq aint ances thus picked up need never be recognized again l e o u l unless you p eas . If a stranger speaks to y ,a ways answer him politely,and if his conversation proves disa “ reeable ou l i b ut u g ,y have no a ternat ve to change yo r seat.

In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table,or

l e o u make a glutton o fyourse f wh n y get there . Never fail to o ffer your seat on deck to a lady,if the s eats all appear to be occupied,and always meet half way any fellow- pas

r e a o o u s enger who wish es to ente into conv rs ti n with y . S ome travelers are s o exclusive that they consider it a presumption on the part of a stranger to addres s them ; TR A L N VE I G. 1 35

u b ut such people are generally foolish,and of no acco nt . Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its main ul u and attractions . Who wo d care abo t sitting moping for a dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with anybody and this must be the fate of the ex l v l un clusiv es when they travel a one . E en adies,who r greater risks in forming steamboat acquaintances than the ll r vil It men,are a owed the g eatest pri eges in that respect. might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking acquaintance of a gentleman b ut she may address or him wi u question for the time being tho t impropriety .

Fellow- pas sengers,whether on a steamboat or in the cars,should at all times be sociable and ob liging to one hi e another . Those who are the reverse of t s may be s t l down either as selfish,foo ish,or conceited.

In the cars yo u have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation,if the current of air thus produced n l e annoys or e dangers the hea th of another . Th re are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling,at best,and it should be the aim of each pass enger to lessen them as much as possible,and to cheerfully bear his o wn part .

u we all ll - av l Life is a jo rney,and are fe ow tr e ers .

If in riding in an omnibus,or crossing a ferry with a friend,he wishes to pay for you,never insist upon paying u l fo o u le t for yo rse f or r both . If he is before y , the mat a u r ter p ss witho t rema k. MA R R I A GE .

to its social imj mrtance,b ut as regards certain Observances, conc erning which ' no Work on Etiquette has yet given any l ul exp icit r es .

First,then,with respect to the preliminary subject of u has lr u courtship . That ns een monitor,who a eady s g gested many points for consideration to lady readers,would now s ay to them : Before yo u admit the attentions of a gentleman who wishes to pay yo u his addres ses,very care

I fully examine your respective tastes and dispositions ;and settle in your own mind what are the most important

e i r quisites of happ ness in a married state . With this view, yo u must enter upon the consideration of the subject with calm and decisive spirit,which will enable you to see where your true happiness lies,and to pursue itwith deter lu r of u ll mined reso tion . In matte s b siness, fo ow the advice of such as are able to guide you and as regards the subject of marriage,turn not away fromthe counsel of

di o u those who are appointed to watch, over and rect y .

If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes to engage your affections,seek the advic e of your parents, that they may gain for yo u every necessary particular with regard to his morals and disposition,and means of suitably

ou u l d has ou providing for y . If, nhappi y, eath deprived y of parents,ask counsel of some one who will care for you, a d o l m n on whose friendship y u can re y. Reme ber that yo u have little knowledge of the world,and that your

1 38 HAR R IA GE.

Advances,or offers of marriage,are made in a thousand different ways ;b ut,however tendered,receive them cour te usl t l o u o y,and wi h dignity. If a etter comes to y ,answer — it as becomes a gentlewoman your own heart will dictate ou u sa u what y o ght to y. Q estions have arisen with regard di u l b ut ul ‘ to the wor ng of s ch, etters, no certain r e can be l ; it n fi aid down whether _ be a swered in the rst or third person,must depend upon the degree of acquaintance s l u which has previou y existed . No yo ng lady would cer ” tainly head her letter vv1 th Dear Sir, to a suito1 whom h e l u s scarce y knows,or to one whom she intends ref sing. She ought,however,on no account,either to receiv e or answer letters of the kind without showing them to her mother ;or,if unfortunately without parents,she will do well to consult some judicious female friend

Never trifle with the afiectio ns of a man who loves you nor admit of marke d attentions from one whose affection u u l l you cannot ret rn . Some yo ng adies pride themse ves upon the conquests which they make,and would no t seru ple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to e bl far ou their repr hensi e vanity. Let this be from y If you s ee clearly that yo u have become an object of especial regard to a gentle man,and do not wish to encourage his addresses,treat him honorably and humanely,as you hope

' to be used wi h generosity by the person who may engage

let l u b ut your o wn h art . Do not him inger in s spense, take the earliest opportunity of carefully making known m your feelings on the subject. This may be done a vari A fi ll him ety of ways . re ned ease of manner wi satisfy ,if h e has any discernment,that his addresses will not be

l - ul u n u l o acceptab e . Sho d yo r at ra disp sition render this

i o u his o a d fficult,show that . y wish to avoid c mp ny,and he — will presently withdraw ;b ut if even this is difficult and — who can lay down rules for another allow an opportunity Y o u can him l e for explanation to occur . then give a po it M I GE ARR A . 1 39

and decisive answer ;and b e assured that, in whatever manner you convey your sentim ents to him,if h e be a man o f delicacy and right feeling,he will trouble yo u no fur

e e t o u o th r. L it never be said of y ,that y u permit the attentions of an honorable man when you have no heart to give him ;or that you have trifled with th e affections of one whom you perhaps esteem,although you resolve never t his ratifies to marry him . I may be that preference g ,and his c onversation interests you ;that you are flattered by the attention s of a man whom some of your companions admire ;and that, in truth,yo u hardly know your own ll us o u mind on the subject. This wi not exc e y . Every young woman ought to know the state of her own heart and yet the happiness and future prospects of many an excellent man have been s acrificed by s uch unprincipled u cond ct .

Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer,you it o u e have no right to speak of . If y possess eith r gener

’ o sity or gratitude for o fiered afiectio n,yo u will not betray l not l n . uffi a secret which does be ong to . yo It is s cient y painful to be refused,without incurring the additional

mo rtificatio n e ut of b ing pointed o as a rejected lover .

' If,on the contrary,yo u encourage the addresses o f a e l l d serving man,behave honorab y and sensib y . Do not lead him about as if in triumph,nor take ad vantage of the ascenden cy which you have gained by playing with his lin ou fee gs . Do not seek for o ccasions to tease him,that y may try his temper ;neither affect indifference,nor pro ’ v oke lovers quarrels,for the foolish pleasure of reconcilia

u s tion . On your conduct during co rt hip will very much depend the e stimation in which yo u will be held by your us li h band in after fe .

As suming that the important day is fixed,and that the hidden guests have accepted the invitations,a few ob ser M E 1 40 ARRIA G .

v ations may be useful,especially to those who live retired

in th e country .

i The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carn age with her parents,or with those who stand in their place ; as ,for ins tance,if the father is deceased,a n elder brother “ or uncle,or even guardian,accompanies her mother and u l l herself. If, nhappi y,she is an orphan,and has no re a tions,a middle-aged lady and gentleman,friends of her u l rides~ parents,should be req ested to take their p ace . A b ll u i maid wi also occ py a seat in the same carr age.

t u a The bridegroom findshis way o ch rch in . a separ te carriage with his friends,and he will show his gallantry by handing the bride from her carn age,and paying every who h er An attention to those accompany . y omission in hi e aref l a o id d t s respect cannot b too c ul y v e .

When arrived at the altar,the father of th e bride,or, in default of such relation,the nearest connexion,or some o ld the friend,gives away bride . The bridesmaids stand near the bride ;and either her sister,or some favorite friend,will hold the gloves or handkerchief,as may be required,when she ungloves her hand for the Wpdding l n ring . When the ceremony is comp eted,and the ames of the bride and bridegroom are signed in the vestry,they first leave the church together,occupying by themselves

‘ the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the ’ bride s father and mother, or that of the guardian,or friend,by whom the bridal breakfast is provided .

The wedding- cake uniformly occupies the center of the

l f ull ur u wi . fl tab e . It is o ten tastef y s ro nded th owers, am o ng which those of the fragrant orange ought to be con s i ut di u p cuo us . After being c accor ng to the sages observed on such occasions,the oldest friend of the family proposes the lady’ s health that of the bridegroom is generally preposed b y some friend of his own,if present b ut if this

1 42 MAR R IA GE . has been drunk,and every compliment and kind wish has — been duly proffered and acknowledged the bride,attended by her friends,withdraws and when ready for her depar

' ture the newly- married couple start o fl on their wedding ’ journey,generally about two or three o clock,and the rest tl " l of the company shor y afterward take their eave .

In some circles it is customary to s end cards almost immediately to friends and relations,mentioning at what time and hour the newly-married couple expect to be called u l l i c o ll hi pon . Some itt e inconven en e ccasiona y attends t s custom,as young people may wish to extend their wedding tour beyond the time first mentioned,or,if they go abroad, l u h delays may unavoidab y occ r. It is t erefore better to l postpone sending cards,for a short time at east.

Fashions change continually with regard to wedding A l cards . few years since they were high y ornamented, and fantastically tied together now silver- edged cards are fashionable ;b ut,unquestionably,the plainer and more unostentatious a wedding- card,the more lady-like and ll becoming it wi be .

No one to whom a wedding- card has not been s enéflo ught

l - l to call upon a new y married coup e .

When the days named for seei ng company arrive,re ll l member to be punctual. Ca ,if possib e,the first day, b ut neither before nor after the appointed hour . Wedding cake and wine are handed round, of which every one partakes,and each expresses some kindly wish for the

l - a u l happiness of the new y m rried co p e .

“ Taking possession of their home by young people is fl always a j oyous period . The depressing in uence of a wedding breakfast,where often the h earts of many are sad,is not felt,and every one looks forward to years of pros perity and happiness. MARR IA GE. 143

If the gentleman is in a profession,and it happens that he cannot await the arrival of such as call,according to invitation on the wedding- card,an apology must be made, and,if possible,an o ld friend of the family should repre

m A u c un e t sent hi . bride m st on no a co t r ceive her vis i ors without a me ther,or sister,or some friend being present,

h er u . i not even if h sband is at home Th s is imperative .

di s usua es o To do otherwise is to regard the g of s ciety. We remember once calling on a very young bride,and n tu foun d her alone . Co jec res were made by every visitor with regard to such a strange occurrence,and their sur prise was stifl more increased,when it became known that l u ll u ll u the young ady ret rned her ca s eq a y nattended .

Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a few days,and parties are generally made for the newly u l are u n hi married co p e,which they expected to ret r . T s does not, however, necessarily entail much visiting ; neither is it expected from young people,whose resources may be somewhat limited,or when the husband has to in l make his way the wor d. S DOME TIC ETIQ UETTE AND DUTIES.

THE little community to which I gave laws, said the Vicar of Wakefield, was regulated in the following man — ner We all assembled early,and after we had saluted each other with proper ceremony,"for I always thought fit t u l di wi “M o keep p some mechanica forms of good bree ng, th o ut which,freedom ever destroys friendship,)we all knelt in gratitude to that also when we parted We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example of the good old Vicar should be followed and adopted by

l - u l t e fi t every new y married co p e . With regard to h rs ,the courtesies of society should never be omitted,in even the most trivial matters ;and,as respects the second,what blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a house wherein the voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet protection sought by its acknowledged head

On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure al of rendering home happy. We sh l,therefore,speak of s u u ch d ties and Observances as pertain to her .

When a young wife first settles in her home,many excellent persons,with more zeal,it may be,than disere tion,immediately propose that she should devote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes such,for instance, as clothing societies for the poor,or schools,or district n our u visiti g. We say with all earnestness to yo ng friend, engage in nothing of the kind,however laudable,without

' u r wo ld a se pent . Many a happy hom e has been rendered desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion,or by endeavors n ul i u m to gain importa ce in an artf and nsidio s anner .

In all l l K money matters,act open y and honorab y . eep your accounts with the most scrupul ous exactness,and let your husband see that yo u take an honest pride in rightly i u o appropriat ng the money which he intr sts to y u. My husband works hard for every dollar that he earns,” said a young married lady,the wife of a professional man,to a friend who found h er busily employed in sewing buttons ’ “ on her h usband s coat, and it se ems to me worse than ” a o u l cruel to l y ut a dime nnecessari y. Be very careful,

‘ also,that you do not spend more than can be aflo rdedjin dress and be satisfied with s uch carpets and curtains in your drawing- room as b efit a moderate fortune,or proies

' u l s fl sioual income . Nat ra ornament ,and owers tastefully arranged,give an air of elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from costly and books judicioulsy placed,

' uniformly produce a good eflect. A sensible woman will always seek to ornament her home,and to render it attrae

ll a ay tive,more especia y s this is the taste of the present d . The power of asso ciation is very great light,and air,and

fi w e elegance, are important in their e ects . No if acts wisely who permits her sitting- room to look dull in the

' ‘ eyes of him whom she ought e specially to please,and with h er whom she has to pass days .

In middle life,instances frequently occur of concealment with regard to money concerns ;thus,for instance,a wife wishes to poss ess an article of dress which is too costly for immediate purchase,or a piece of furniture liable to the l same obj ectiona Sh e according y makes an agreement with a seller,and there are many who call regularly at ho uses when the husband is ab s ent‘ o n business,and who receive whatever the mistress of th e house can spare from her ex ller penses. A book is kept by the se ,in which payments T E ZVD E D OMES TIC E IQ UETT A D UTI S . 1 47

are entered b ut a duplicate is never retained by the wife,

and therefore she has no check whatever . We have known an article of dres s p aid for in this manner,far above its value,and have heard a poor young woman,who has been t“hus duped,say to a lady,who remonstrated with h er : n I do I ll u a Alas "what ca ? dare not te my h sb nd . It may be that the same system,though diflering according

u n is u u u c l to circ msta ces, p rs ed in a s perior lass of ife . We have reason to think that it is so ,and therefore affec tio nately warn our youn ger sisters to beware of making

u u c c l s uc p rchases that req ire on ea ment . Be content with h things as yo u can ho norably afford,and suchas your hus Y o u can l bands approve . then wear them with every fee

l - ing of s e f satisfactio n .

Before dismissing this part of o ur subject,we beseech Sl nif you to avoid all bickerings . What does it g y where a picture hangs,or whether a rose or a pink looks best on the drawing- room table There is something inexpressi b ly endearing in small concessions,in gracefully giving up a favorite opinion,or in yielding to ’ the will of another ; u ll l t and eq a y painfu is the reverse . The mighties rivers have their source in streams the bitterest domestic misery fl has often arisen from some tri ing difference of opinion . If,by chance,yo u marry a man of a hasty temper,great u u lli discretion is req ired . M ch wi ngness,too,and prayer

l u re for strength to ru e yo r own spirit are necessary . Th e instances occur to us ,in which,ladies have knowingly mar ried men of exceeding violent t empers ,and yet have lived

l r s d happi y. The sec et of their happiness con iste in pos sessing a perfect command over themselves,and in seekin g, by every po ssible means,to prevent their husbands from r committing themselves in their p esence .

Lastly,remember your standin g as a lady,and never approve a mean action,nor speak an unrefined word ;le t all your conduct be such as an honorable and right- minded D OMES TIC ETI U TT A N 1 48 Q E E D D UTIES . man may look for in his wife,and the mother of his chil l l fi u . dren . The s ightest d p icity destroys con dence The least want of refinement in conversation," or in the selection of books,lowe rs a woman,ay,and for ever F ollow these few simple precepts,and they shall prove to you of more worth than rubies neglect th em,add you will know what ’ ' l l o f sorrow i s . They app y to every c ass society,in every place where man has fixed his dwelling and to the woman who duly observes them may be given the beautiful com mendatio n of Solomon,when recording the words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her she i l all t e lif w ll do him good,and not evi , h days of her e . Strength and honor are her clothing and she shall rejoice l u ll her in time to come . Her chi dren rise p, and ca l ” — u . b lessed ;her h sband a so,and he praiseth her Prov.

We shall new address ourselves exclusively to our breth ren ;to them who have taken upon themselves the sacred and comprehensive names of husband and of master,who have formed homes to dwell in,and have placed therein,as ’ their companions through life s pilgrimage, gentle and confiding ones,who have left for them all that w as hereto fore most dear,and whomthey have sworn to love and to

When a man marmes,it 1 s understood that all former acquaintanceship ends,unless he intinmte a desire to renew ’ it,by sending yo u his own and his wife s card,if near,or hi l u fur by letter,if distant. If t s be neg ected,be s re no

ther intercourse it desired .

In the first place,a bachelor is seldom v ery particular s l us in the choice of his companion . So ong as he is am ed, he will associate freely enough with those whose morals

D MES TI E TI UE I' ’TE’ A N D D IE O C Q UT S .

unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her thoughts dwelling,it may be very sadly,on the time when o u u t o l y were pro d wa k beside her . Remember that the condition a young bride is often a very solitary one ; ‘ of ’ and that for your sake she has left her parents roof,and

s o u the c ompanion hip of her brothers and sisters . If y are a professional man, your wife may have to live in the neighborhood of a large city,where she scarcely knows any one,and without those agreeable domestic occupations,or u i w u yo ng assoc ates,among whom she had gro n p. Her garden and poultry- yard arehers no longer,and theday u l l b ut u Y o u passes witho t the ight of any smi e yo rs . go o ff,most probably after breakfast,to your business or pro fessio n,and do not return till a late dinner perh aps even not then,if you are much occupied,or have to keep up fi professional co nnectio ns It seems unmanly, certainly most unkind,to let your young wife go to church on Sun

‘ day without yo u,for the common - place s atisfactio n o f t c l lounging at home . To act in his manner is ertain y a u u l breach of domestic etiq ette . S nday is the on y day in ’ which yo u can enable her to forget her father s hous e,and — the pleasant associations of her girlhood days ln which yo u can pay her those attentions which preve nt all painful r a ‘ u r comparisons as eg rds the past . S nday is a day of est,

' wisely and mercifully appointed to loose the bonds ‘ by which men are held to the world let it be spent by you as becomes the head of a family, Let no temptation ever in duce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine “ ” l o service,merely that she may id e at home with y u. Religion is her safeguard amid the trials or temptations of l And ou ou t this wor d. woe may be to y if y seek to wi h draw her from i ts protection

Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from w h ff ant of candor. Men conceal t eir a airs, and expect their wives to ‘act with great economy,without assigning D MES TI E TI E TTE’ A N D ES O C Q U D UTI . 1 51

any reason why such should be the case b ut the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his in c ome ;for,unles s this is done,sh e canno t pro perly reg u l e h er s u e ul at expen es. They o ght th n to cons t together as to th e sum that can be afforded for housekeeping,which l sho uld be rather be ow than above the mark . When this arranged he will find it advantageous to give into her hands,either weekly,monthly,or quarterly,the s um that is appropriated for daily expenditure,and above all things h u lu n to avoid interfering wit o t abso te ecessity . The home departmemt b elongs exclusively to the wife the pro yince — of the husband is to r ule th e house hers to regulate its l u is interna movements . Tr e it ,that some inexperienced u b ut l t l u young creat res know i t e of ho sehold concerns . If this occur,have patience,and do not become pettish or ill

u uc l o ut fir h mored. If too m h money is aid at st,give adv ice,kindly and firmly,ayd the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties

No good ever yet resulted,or ever will result from unne man u il c es sary interference . If a nhapp y marries an l l hr l him incorrigib e simp eton,or spendt ift. he cannot he p l 1 l Su . se f . ch,however,is rare y the case Let a man pre serv e his own position,and assist his wife to do the same all things will then move together,well and harmoni-z

Much sorrow,and many heart- burnings,may be avoided u by judicious conduct in the outset of life . h sbands in should g1 v e their wives all confidence . They have trusted to them their happin ess,and should never suspect dis them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a position is manifested to do right,express your appro b a

’ l trifles ff c l tion . Be p eased with ,and commend e orts to ex e

fi u 1 s diflident enco u1 . on every tting oc casion . If yo r wife , ll i r age her,and avoid seeing sma mistakes . It s un eas o na ble to add to the embarrassments of her new condition,b y N D D T ES 1 52 D OMES TIC ETIQ UE TTE A U I .

ll n u ridiculing her deficiencies . Forbear exto i g the previo s

management of your mother or your sisters . Many a wife ’ h as been alienated from her husband s family,and many

' an aflectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct and,as a sensible woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her:husband,and entertain them with affectionate politeness,the husband on his part should always cordially receive and duly attend s to her relations . The reverse of thi ,on either side,is l n often productive of unp easant feeli gs .

Lastly,we recommend every youn g mari'ied man,who wishes to render his home happy,to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle,and to permit no clouds,

u i hic however small,to obsc re the reg on mw h she presides . Most women are naturally amiable,gentle,and complying and 1 f a wife becomes perverse,and indifferent to her ll u ’ ul home,it is genera y her h sband s fa t . He may have neglected her happiness ;b ut nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her,to give back the

u nd ee l hue hi e e d sky a ch r ess w ch saddens her exist nc . Be s lfi b ut l ll hi s not e sh, comp ying,in sma t ng . If your Wife di l — u o n l s ikes cigars and few y—o ng w me ike to have their clothes tainted by tobacco leave off smoking for it is,at l nl and di f best,an ungent ema y rty habit. I your wife asks yo u to read to her,do not put your feet upon a chair and o l If f mu g to s eep . she is ond of sic,accompany her as o u we nt e ou u y were wh n y so ght her for a bride . The husband may say that he is tired,and does not like music, o l u hi all u an r reading a o d. T s may occasion y be tr e, d no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what ul l h wo d real y weary him . We, owever, recommend a young man to practice somewhat of self- denial,and to

‘ remember that no one acts with a due regard to his own happiness who lays aside,when married,those gratifying

ON GENE R A S O L CI E T Y .

To cultivate the art of pleasmg 1 s no t only worthy of o ur ambition,b ut it is the dictate cf humanity to r ender our l r l l un u l se ves as ag eeab e as possib e to those aro d s . Whi e, therefore,we condemn that false system of philosophy which recommends the practice of flattery and deception for th e purpos e of winning the regard of thos e with whom we come in c ontact,we would rather urge the sincere and open conduct which is founded on moral principle,and which looks to the h appl ness of others,no t through any sordid and selfish aim,b ut for the reward which virtuous

s s we action be tow. Indeed, do not discover the necessity

t nd o ur u c of duplici y a hypocrisy in interco rse with so iety .

‘ races are The virtues and the g not antagonistic . The sac rifice of personal convenience for the accommodation of others ;the repression of o ur egotism and self- esteem ;the occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or irk some to us through consideration for the infirmities of others,are not only some of the characteristics of true politeness,b ut are in the very spirit of benevolence,and, li we might add,re gion .

The English have a rule of etiquette,that if you are introduced to a person of higher position in society than yourself,you must never recognize him when yo u meet, h d o u until you see whether e inten s to notice y . The meaning of this rule is,that yo u should be polite to no body until you see whether they mean to b e polite to you, which 1 s simply refusing politeness m the name of polite N S IE T O GENER AL OC Y. 1 55

r r u un l ness itself . The e is a sto y of an nfort ate c erk of the Treasury,who dined one day at the B eef- steak Club,where he sat next to a duke,wh o convers ed freely with him at

e da u re et h e dinner . The n xt y,meeting the d ke in the st ,

" s a ut r w l u luted him . B his grace,d a ing himse f p,said May I know,sir,to whom I have th e honor of speaking ' e to ether at lu e — I Why,w dined g the c b y sterday am Mr . ” “ ” T as l imms,of the Treasury, w the rep y . Then, said l “ h the duke,turnl ng on his hee , Mr . Timms,of t e Treas

ur I od mo nin u s y, wish yo u a go r g. Tho gh thi anecdote is related in the English books as an example o f etiquette,

l u i th e ur it is undoubted y tr e that Mr . T mms,of Treas y, was the politest man of the two for ev en if he had made a mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness,had the duk e b een really a polite man he would have made the b est of it,by returnn the salutation,instead of the brutal mortificatio n which he heaped upon the clerk of the Treas

’ u a s ry . Everybody has read the necdote of Wa hing ton, who politely returned the Salutation of a negro,which ” u o ca sed his friend to ask if he bowed to a negr . To I u think th t I ul be sure do do yo , a wo d allow a negro to ” u me l s o tdo in po itenes ? said Washington . This is the

American rule . Everybody in this country may be polite — to everybody and if any one is too haughty and too ill bred to return the salutation,with him alone rests the s an d respon ibility the shame .

A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play b ut if she intends to do so,sheshould not ff u t l l a ect to ref se when asked,b u ob iging y accede at once . If yo u cannot sing,or do not choose to ,say so with seri

‘ o usness and grav ity,and put an end to the expectation l A w prompt y. fter singing once or t ice,cease and give

old place to others . There is an saying,that a singer can with the greatest difi culty be s et agoing,and when agoing,

cannot be stopped . ' Never commend a lady’ s musical skill to another l ady l l who herse f p ays .

Modern Chesterfields,who pretend to be superlatively well- bred,tell one neverto b e in a hurry To be in a ” “ ” u a il - dictum s l . a u h rry, y they, is bred The is bs rd . i e u d It is somet mes nec ssary to be h rrie . In the streets of u u u l r the city one m st hasten with the m ltit de . To wa k o lounge,as people wh o have nothing else to do,in Wall ul t l u Street,or Broadway,wo d be o u of p ace and abs rd . J udgment requires us ,not less than manners,to conform slightly with the behavior of t hose with whom we associate or are forced to remain .

Never lose your temper at cards,and particularly avoid x at u the e hibition of anxiety or vexation want of s ccess. Ify ou are playing whist,not only keep your temper,b ut hold your tongue any intimation to your partner is decid e dl u y ngentlemanly.

Do not take upon yours elf to do the honors in another

‘ ’ man s house,nor co nstitute yourself master of the c ereme as nies, you will thereby offend the host and hostess .

ce Do not press before a lady at a theater or a con rt . a nd l Always yield to her,if practicable,your seat p ace . Do not sit when she is standing,without offering her your u nl u s b ut l place . Cons lt not o y yo r own ea e, a so the com o fort of those around y u.

Do not cross a room in an anxious manner,and force your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow,as by so doing you attract the eyes of the company toward her . If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident,and do not let them see that yo u have sought them o ut ;unless,indeed, e there be something very i1 11 po rtant to communicat .

ON ENE AL 1 53 G R S OCIE T Y. every hour,each one almost as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.

Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of attainment,and is ,in fact,attained by mo st p eople,yet We ’ may enlarge upon a saying of Emerson s,by declaring that ” l h as e l the wor d n ver yet seen a perfect gent eman .

It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of ladies,even though they are a miable enough

A l e is to permit it . gent eman,therefor , not in the habit of smoking in the parlor,for if there is nobody present to object,it leaves a smell in the room which the wife has good reason to b e mortified at, if discovered by her u g ests .

It is very common to see persons eat,drink,and smoke u u l l w s . to excess . S ch habits are v gar in the o e t degree S ome men pride themselves on their abilities 1 n drinking — and smoking more especially in the latter; These are

o Th e blunders that need no reas ning to expose them . man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will,sooner o later,be shunned by all except a few of his o wn stamp,

e u s s and not even by th m be respected . G ard against exce l l u in all things ,as neither gent eman y nor h man .

Spitting is a filthy habit,and annoys one in almos t every

- out ul h ad ts quarter,ih doors and . Since v garity has i way so extensively amo ngs t us ,every yo uth begins to r ell out e th S o smoke and spit b efo e he has w his t e . m king is unques tionably so great a pleasure to thos e accustomed to it,that it must not be condemned,yet the spitting asso uc th e t No ciated with it detracts very m h from enjoymen . refined perso n will Spit where ladies are present,or in any public promenade the habit is digusting in the extre me, and o ne would almost wish that it could b e checked in

o public by means flaw . N EN E L T O G RA S OCIE Y. 1 59

Never scratch your head,pick your teeth,clean your nails,or,worse than all,pick yo ur nose in c ompany ;all u t these things are disg s ing.

To indulge in ridi cule,whether the subj ect be present or abs ent,is to descend below the level of gentlemanly pro

rie t u s ll ma lau b ut ill ur p y. Yo r ki y excite ghter, w not ins e

respect .

A reverential regard for religi o us Observances,and relig ious Opinions,is a distinguishin g trait of a refined mind . Whatever your Opinions on the subject, yo u are not t o intrude them on others,perhaps to the shaking of their

a l i u to ics sh o uld v e d f ith and happiness . Re ig o s p be a oid in convers ation,except where all are prepared to concur in

s a respectful treatment of the subject . In mixed societie

u c ul u the s bje t sho d never be introd ced .

Frequent consultation of the watch or time - pieces is im

l e a at o e it po ite,eith r when t home or abroad . If h m , appears as if yo u were tired of your company and wished them to be gone if ab road,as if the hours dragged b eav l ily,and yo u were calculating how s oon yo u wou d be l re eased .

A l l h ow Never read in company. gent eman or ady may,

l a t- ever, ook over a book of engr vings with proprie y.

The simpler,and the more easy and unconstrained your manners,the more yo u will impress people of your go od l A ecmzion th e arks o f v u breeding. fi is one of brazen m

It is very unbecoming to exhibit p etulance,o r ang feeling,thought it is indulge d i n s o largely in almo s t every

r l ue e l es sufi er his ou tena ce ci c e . The tr g nt eman do not c n n to be easily rufl ed and We only lo ok paltry when we suf

' fer temper to hurry us into ill - judged expressions of feel i ”

. e let s hl ing He that is s o o n angry d a h fool y . ON R S E T 1 60 GENE AL OCI Y.

s ul i a Commands ho d never be given n commanding tone . A l u gent eman req ests,he does not command . We are not to assume so much importance,whatever o ur station,as to “ ” giv e orders in the imperative mood, nor are we ‘ ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any lu n l one . The b nder of commandi g stern y is most fre quently committed by those who have themselves b ut just escaped servitude,and we shoul d not exhibit to others a

u e in weakness so nb com g.

It is a great thing to be able to walk like a gentleman that is,to get rid of the awkward,lounging,swinging gait

' of a clown,and stop before yo u reach the afiected and flip

hi ut bein a entle pant step of a dandy. In short,not ng b g g man ou air A man can ever give y the and step of one . who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to show it in his heels,in spite of all that rules of manners im can do for h .

. A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in l the presence of ladie s for a sing e moment . Indeed,so strong is the force of habit,that a gentleman will quite uncons ciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or

- hi l drawing room,even if there is no one present b ut mse f. h People who sit in the house with their, ate on are to be suspected of having spent the most of their time in bar

l A enlleman nev er s ils with his rooms,and similar p aces . g

n t e fl e ier l do ll hat on i h z a . Gent emen not genera y sit even in an eating- room with their hats on,if there is any con

v enient place to put them .

The books on etiquette will tell yo u,that on waiting on o u a lady into a carriage,or the box of a theater,y are. to

' take o fi your hat b ut such is not the custom among po lite u ul people in this country . The inconvenience of s ch a r e is a good reason against its observance in a country where the practice o f politeness has in it nothing of the servility

O N A S ET 1 62 GENER L OCI Y.

Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where you visit ;they are meant only for the use of the lady of u b ut u the ho se,and may be admired, not to ched.

Lord Chesterfield,in his Advice to his Son,” justly characterizes an absent man as unfit for business or conver

' A s u u ll afiected s ation . b ence of mind is s a y ,and sprmgs in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted in l n ld profound contemp atio s . The wor ,however,gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he trifles should be attentive,even to . The world is right in this ,and I would immore every studious youth to forget udi u I that he is st o s when he enters company. have seen many a man,who would have made a bright character ff l otherwise,a ect a foo ish reserve,. remove himself as far from others as possible,and in a mixed assembly,where s ocial prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts hi l b of the company,sit by mse f abstracted in a ook . It is l s and s e lo A foo i h, ,what is worse for the ab ente ,it oks so . hint on this subject is sufiicient,and we do hint,that ah s tractedness of manner should never be exhibited ;the greatest geniuses have ev er been attentive to trifles when e it so behoov d them.

' Afl ectatio n o i' superiority galls the feelings of those to whom it is offered . In company with an inferior,never nf r r An l let him feel his i e io ity . emp oyer,who invites his confidential clerk to his hous e,should treat him in every dis tm u shed u way the same as his most g i g est . No refer ence to business sho uld be made,and anything in the shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look,a word,the mode of reception,or otherwise,to advertise to “ ” “ the other guests, This is my clerk, or, The person I now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in my servic e b ut such a thing would lower the host more than it would u u annoy the g est. Before B rns had arrived at his high popularity,he was once invited by some puffed-up lairds 0 1V GEN ERA L S OCIET Y 1 63

to dine,in order that they might have the gratification of f hi u hearing the poet sing one o s own songs . B rns was ’ s hown into the servants hall,and left to din e with the

n l A e di - me ia s . ft r nner he was invited to the drawing room, and a glass of wine being handed to him,requested to sing

" own di l one of his songs . He imme ate y gave his entertain “ ’ ers that thrilling assertion of independence, A man s a ’ ” man for a that, and left the moment h e had finished,his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so in

sulting to his poverty .

P eople who have risen in the world are too apt to sup pose they render themselves of consequence in proportion to the pride they display,and their want of attention toward ew in l thos ith whom they come contact. This is a terrib e — mistake,as every ill bred act recoils with triple violence against its perpetrators,by leading the offended parties to analyze them,and to Question their right of assuming a hi l l superiority to w ch they are b ut rare y entit ed.

tu r c l Punc ality is one of the cha acteristi s of po iteness . He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of gentlemen,and will soon find hims elf

In private,watch your tho ughts in your family,watch your temper in society,watch your tongue .

Avoid restlessness in company,lest you make the whole “ ‘ ’ as fid et u l o l party g y as yo rse f. D not beat the Devi s tattoo by drumming with your fingers on the table ;it cannot fail to a nnoy every one within hearing,and is the min index of a vacant d. Neither read the newspaper in an audible whisper,as it dis turbs the attention of those near o i ula l f y u. Both these bad habits are part c r y of ensive

u - where most common,that is,in a co nting or news room. Remember,that a carelessness as to what may incommode others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind ; N E E 1 64 ON GE RAL S OCI T Y.

indeed,the essential part Of good breeding is more in the avoidance of whatever may be disagreeable to o thers,than even an accurate observance of the customs of good s o ” ciet y.

Good sense must,in many cas es,determl ne good b reed ing ;because the same thing that would be civ il at one time and to one person,may be quite otherwise at another m and ti e to another person .

Chesterfield says, As learning,honor,and virtue are absolutely necessary to gain yo u the esteem andadmiration of mankind,politeness and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversa m if al tion and co mon l e . Great t ents, such as honor, virtue,learning,and parts,are above the generality of the world,who neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in o thers ;b ut all people are judges of the lesser talents,such as civility,affability,and an o b liging, agreeable address and manner ;because they feel the good l ” effects of them,as making s ociety easy and p easing.

If yo u are in a public room,as a library or reading- room, avoid loud conversation or laughing,which may disturb At e u l l t others . the Op ra,or a concert,be profo nd y si en during the performances if yo u do not wish to hear the music,yo u have no right to interfere with the enjoyment

of others.

In accompanying ladies to any public plac e,as to a con cert or lecture,you should pre cede them in entering th e

room,and procure seats for them .

l ll Never allow a. lady to get a chair for herse f,ring a be , pick up a handkerchief or glove she may hav e dropped,or, N in short,perform any service for herself which you can d perform for her,when you are in the room . By exten ing

ON GENE AL S E T 1 66 R OCI Y. book- case,or to read a written paper lying open,without l permission expressed or imp ied . Books in an open case or on a center- table,cards in a card- case,and newspapers, are u i pres med to be open for examnation . Be careful where you go,what yo u read,and what you handle,par

' ’ A i l afiairs void ntermedd ing with the of others . This is ul A u a most common fa t . n mber of people seldom meet b ut they begin discussing the affairs of s ome one who is s hi l u a l b ut l ab ent . T s is not on y nch ritab e positive y un

It u l c e in t b enc t e just . is eq iva ent to trying a aus he a s e of h e on im l cated p rs p i . Even in the criminal code a prisoner is u b e u l u uil pres med to innocent nti he is fo nd g ty. Society, however,is less just,and passes j udgment without hearing

u t t the the defence . Depend pon it,as a certain rule, ha people who unite with yo u in discussing the afiairs of others will roceed to scandalize ou the moment that ou de art p y y p .

Be well read also,for the sake of the general c ompany l l u Y ou w ll and the adies,in the iterat re of the day. i l i l u l l e thereby en arge the reg ons of p eas rab e ta k . Besid s, Haslitt n u it is often necessary. ,who had entertained an ’ founded prejudice against Dickens s works when they were fir at l l st written,confesses that he was ast, ob iged to read them,because he could not enter a mixed company with o u ut hearing them admired and q oted .

Always conform your conduct,as near as possible,to the o u ul b e company with whom yo u are associated . If y sho d thrown among people who are vulgar,it is better to humor them than to set yourself up,then and there,for a model l l ar of po iteness . It is re ated of a certain king that on a p ticular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer,contrary to the etiquette of society,because two country ladies, n whose hospitalities he was enjoying,did so . That ki g was a gentleman and this anecdote serves to illustrate an ON GENE AL T R S OCIE Y. 1 6 7 important principle namely, that true politeness and genuine good mann ers often not only permit,b ut ab so lutely demand,a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of

e r in i . etiquette . B a this fact m nd

Although these remarks will not be sufficient in them selves to make yo u a gentleman,yet they will enable yo u to avoid any glaring i mpropriety,and do much to render yo u easy and c onfident in society. — Gentility is neither in birth,manner,nor fashion b ut I D —a in the MN . A high sense of honor determination — never to take a mean advantage of another an adherence u l l wi to tr th,de icacy,and —po iteness toward those th whom you may have dealin gs are the ess ential and distinguish ENTL E ing characteristics of A G MAN.