oo getting the MOST Out of couples counseling Intro

Many couples find counseling helpful in improving their relationship. Whether you are considering couples therapy, or have already started, the information and tips included in this booklet will inform you on what to expect during counseling sessions, help you clarify goals for counseling, and to give some suggestions to get the most out of couples counseling.

Contents

WHERE TO START 05

GROUND RULES 09

WHAT TO EXPECT 11

OUR APPROACH 13 COMMUNICATION 15 WALK THE TALK 17 KEEP MOVING 19

Individual, Marriage, and Enrichment 3 The Authors

JEREMY DUKE MA, LPC I have been providing counseling since 1997. My interest in couples counseling began with affected by drug and alcohol addictions and has since expanded to marriage enrichment, positive parenting, and personal growth. I received a Master’s Degree in from the University of Missouri in 1997. I have three children and have been married for more than twenty years.

BRIAN BOWLES PhD, LPC I enjoy working collaboratively to identify and resolve the obstacles getting in the way of creating the relationship you and your partner desire. I think that what brings you into counseling can, with work and time, often be the starting point to a healthier, more loving relationship. I received a PhD in Philosophy from Loyola University and a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology from Stephens College. I have been married for more than fifteen years and have two children.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 4 Where to Start

any difficulties may bring a person to seek couples counseling: infidelity, lack of intimacy, escalating conflicts, poor communication, drug and alcohol M addiction, or a sense that while you love each other, you are not in love anymore.

Surprisingly, the typical couple waits an average of six years before consulting a counselor for help. In that time relationship patterns often become deeply ingrained.

There may be a singular, overwhelming problem that has led you to seek counseling, or there may be a list of problems that need to be addressed. Sometimes it is hard to know where to start.

THE INITIAL GOAL OF COUPLES COUNSELING IS TO RESOLVE THE CURRENT CRISIS. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY ADDRESSING UNDERLYING RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS, COMMUNICATION DIFFICULTIES, AND OTHER MORE DEEPLY ROOTED ISSUES.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 5 Most people enter in to couple’s counseling with a better idea of what they want their partner to change than what they would change themselves. While more may be required of one partner, a person can really only control the changes they make. Therefore, we encourage each partner to take responsibility for their own and behavior.

Couples counseling requires a commitment to work on your relationship and to work on yourself. It also requires investments of both time and effort to change troubling issues. THE GOOD NEWS A commitment I. BECOME THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE IN YOUR to this process RELATIONSHIP will provide the necessary skills II. MATCH THE LOVE YOU FEEL WITH WHAT YOU ARE to… ABLE TO SHOW YOUR PARTNER

III. BETTER KNOW, UNDERSTAND, AND NURTURE THE IMPORTANT PERSON YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH

IV. FEEL LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM YOUR PARTNER AS THEY BECOME THE PERSON THEY WANT TO BE

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 6 he chief author of your therapy goal is you and your partner. Your counselor will help you create and express a vision for your relationship. Your counselor will also provide guidance T to create a plan, learn the skills, and take the actions necessary to achieve that vision. While different couples may have different visions for their relationship, we believe there are some aspects of a relationship are fundamental: These factors form the foundation of a strong couple.

FOUNDATIONS I. TRUST THAT CONTRIBUTE II. A COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER TO NUTURE AND GROW TOGETHER TO A HEALTHY III. AN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION RELATIONSHIP: SYSTEM

IV. THE ABILITY TO MAKE CREATIVE USE OF CONFLICT

V. A WILLINGNESS TO GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE AND AFFECTION

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 7 In counseling sessions we talk to each other and discuss issues. While the agenda is flexible, it is best to come to appointments prepared. Having about items you would like to discuss and keeping notes throughout the week is helpful in remembering important topics. Please take some time to think about your goals for couples counseling.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF YOUR SESSIONS? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP? ______

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 8 Ground Rules

Counseling sessions are not a place to ambush your partner. Often couples coming for counseling have hurt feelings, sadness, and they would like to express. The counseling office is a place to explore these feelings with one another in a way that is healing rather then in a way that perpetuates bad feelings. It is especially harmful if conversations from counseling sessions are used as ammunition in later arguments. THE RULES

I. SESSIONS START AFTER BOTH PARTNERS HAVE ARRIVED

II. ALLOW OTHERS TO SPEAK BY LISTENING WITHOUT INTERRUPTING

III. NO NAME CALLING, PUT-DOWNS, THREATS, OR INTIMIDATION

IV. All SESSIONS ARE STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

V. INSTANCES WHERE THE EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL SAFETY OF CHILDREN OR ONE OR BOTH PARTNERS IS IN QUESTION, THAT BECOMES THE FOCUS OF THE SESSION

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 9 Counseling should not feel like you are simply repeating ineffective conversations you have at home. Therefore, your counselor will actively direct your session. This direction can take many forms, but it is meant to provide a beneficial structure for the session. Besides guided discussion, interventions your counselor may utilize include: I. STRUCTURED EXERCISES DURING SESSION

II. HOMEWORK ASSINGMENTS TO WORK ON THROUGH THE UPCOMING WEEK

III. WRITING EXERCISES

IV. “TRYING ON” NEW BEHAVIORS

V. WORKING INDIVIDUALLY WITH ONE PARTNER WHILE THE OTHER OBSERVES

Part of our just as a counselor is to maintain a safe environment to try new things. Some of these tasks may feel risky, but we progress at your own pace. Your counselor will encourage without pressure. This allows for a less defensive atmosphere for communicating with your partner.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 10 What to Expect

The course of counseling varies between couples: We do not use a “one size fits all” approach. Instead, we tailor our services to your needs. However, the following are general guidelines we use in directing our work and give you an idea of what to expect. ASSESSMENT & PLANNING The first meeting will be with a counselor, you, and your partner. You will discuss your reasons for seeking assistance and how each partner sees the nature of the problems you are encountering. Your counselor will also ask questions about your individual histories and the history of your relationship. You will be asked to discuss the problems that you are having but you will also be asked about the strengths of your relationship. There will also be some inquiry forms for you to fill out that helps your counselor understand you and your relationship better. The first meeting will also give you a chance to decide if your counselor is a good fit for you and your partner.

Your counselor may meet individually with each of you to further explore the dynamics of the relationship. By the end of the third session you and your counselor should have a good idea of the focus and goals of counseling.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 11 ACTIVE THERAPY Couples normally meet with their counselor weekly for one hour. However, frequency of meetings can vary and many couples find every other week is a better fit for their schedules. If sessions are further apart, it may be beneficial to schedule longer sessions. If a couple is in crisis, or has pressing needs, it may also be beneficial, initially, to meet more often. Depending on the issues being addressed most couples therapy lasts from 8 – 15 sessions. And, sometimes simultaneous individual therapy is necessary. Your counselor and will help you determine activities to engage in between sessions that will be helpful that may include, readings, exercises and activities to do together. During this period, while it their may be ups and downs in your progress you should start to feel your relationship improving.

FOLLOW-UP Your counselors job is to get you and your partner to a place where you do not need them to handle conflicts and issue in your relationship. So, scheduling follow-up sessions or phone calls at one month and three month intervals after active therapy is complete is helpful in maintaining changes and staying on a good path in your relationship.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 12 Our Approach

In providing therapy we rely heavily on the work of Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and the writings of Julie and John Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute. Dr. Johnson emphasizes the need to pay attention to and strengthen our bonds of connection with the ones we love. We do this by exploring a special kind of emotional attachment with our partners. She sums this attachment up in three components:

ACCESSIBILITY CAN I REACH YOU?

RESPONSIVENESS CAN I RELY ON YOU TO RESPOND TO ME EMOTIONALLY? WILL YOU COMFORT ME WHEN I AM UPSET?

ENGAGEMENT DO I KNOW YOU WILL VALUE ME AND STAY CLOSE? ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY PRESENT FOR ME?

Excerpted from: Johnson, Sue (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations of Love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 13 FOCUS ON Emotional experience is of primary importance in couples counseling. At Individual, Marriage and Family Enrichment we see a couples relationship as an emotional bond that needs to be supported and strengthened. So, the approach to couples counseling we use focuses on exploring and deepening positive emotional responses and de-escalating negative emotional responses.

FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIP Your counselor will help you understand your relationship difficulties as residing “between” you and your partner rather then “in” either of you. What that means is you will work on how your relationship operates and the dynamics that perpetuate problems. Your time in counseling will help you identify escalating or ineffective patterns of interacting and react to your partner in new more satisfying ways. It is our belief that when a couple is connected in a healthy, loving, way they can solve most of their day to day problems. And, when there is a lack of good-will, even small problems can seem insurmountable. FOCUS ON GROWTH We believe that people, and relationships, naturally growth in positive directions. Therefore, we see our role as removing barriers to that growth. In our work we stay focused on the positive and life affirming nature of relationships and believe that even healthy relationships can benefit from intentional care and nurturing.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 14 Communication

Moving from a stance of defensiveness to one of openness is important in couple’s counseling and is the sign of good communication. Couple’s often adopt communication patterns that are hurtful, and instead of leading to resolution of conflicts and building closeness, the patterns perpetuate misunderstanding and create hurt feelings.

FOR EXAMPLE Feelings of not being listened to can lead to estrangement and negative feelings towards your partner. Likewise, behaviors such as name calling, sarcasm, and emotional or YOUR ROLE WITH YOUR physical intimidation are especially PARTNER IS TO harmful UNDERSTAND, to relationships. ENCOURAGE, AND SUPPORT. NOT TO FIX, A result of better communication is CHANGE OR CONTROL. that you learn more about yourself, your partner, and your patters of interaction. You can use this knowledge to break ineffective patterns and establish understanding and nurturing.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 15 One exercise often used in couple’s counseling is “couple dialogue.” Each person takes turns being the speaker while the other is the listener. The purpose is for each person in the couple to better understand the other. Many times we speak to our partners we don’t listen and we don’t feel understood. The act of slowing down and understanding your partner is helpful.

The role of the “speaker” is to focus one issue or problem that they would like to discuss. The speaker talks about the issue while taking responsibility for their feelings. The listener responds with by actively listening to the speaker, summarizing what the speaker says, and asking questions for clarification and understanding.

When the speaker feels understood, the roles are reversed. During this exercise there is no problem solving. Instead, it is a time to come to an understanding of the issue.

While easy to describe, this exercise can be difficult to learn. With conflict laden subjects, the tendency to revert to defensive postures, blaming, and stonewalling is great. Therefore, practicing this exercise with a counselor present helps improve communication at home.

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 16 Walk the Talk

Trust is built by following through on what you say you’ll do. Therefore, it’s better not to make promises you can’t or won’t fulfill. In couple’s counseling, translating talk and insight into action is very important.

Trying new behaviors, forming new habits, and changing old beliefs takes practice and commitment, but by concrete demonstrations of your commitment to change your partner will experience you in a new way. Through this process you can grow together and live the life you want.

THINGS I CAN DO TO IMPROVE MY RELATIONSHIP: ______

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 17 People enter committed relationships with people they love. Sometimes when there are problems in the relationship it is difficult to express love and appreciation for your partner. However, this expression is especially important when dealing with difficult issues and conflicts.

A smile, hug, or compliment expresses appreciation for their role in your journey together. Remember to give each other a break, to express your appreciation for one another, and to acknowledge the progress you are making.

I APPRECIATE MY PARTNER WHEN THEY… ______

I AGREE WITH MY PARTNER WHEN THEY SAY… ______

I RESPECT MY PARTNER BECAUSE… ______

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 18 Keep Moving

WE WELCOME YOU TO CONTACT US FOR A FREE PHONE CONSULTATION: (573)228-6702

[email protected] WWW.IMFCOUNSELING.COM

Individual, Marriage, and Family Enrichment 19