The Caregiver Link

Volume 21 Issue 5 May, 2021

How to Get Siblings to Help with Aging Parents

QUOTES as family caregiving caused And it’s never reasonable to expect your some conflicts among you and siblings to read your mind about how you your siblings? It can feel unfair would wish for them to be contributing. when you are pulling more Instead, it’s “Life does not H weight than others. And managing your important for come with a aging parents’ care can be stressful enough everyone to manual; it comes as it is. This could and should be a special feel as if they time that you’re sharing with your parents can express with a mother.” in their later years, and you certainly don’t their feelings ~Unknown want family resentments getting in the openly. But way. Even when it seems as if you’re alone remember that carrying all of these responsibilities, you while people

“If love is as sweet never have to be. Let’s talk about how you may be feeling frustrated and wanting to can find the help you need, including how place blame, the more you can focus on as a flower, then you can try to get your siblings to help with constructive steps, the better the situation my mother is the care of your aging parents. will play out for everyone. that sweet flower of love.” It’s important to keep in mind your primary Now is the time to set in place some ~Stevie Wonder goals. Chances are good that everyone in strategies and expectations around the family can agree on the goals of communication to better organize your compassionate care for your parents and lives and shared responsibilities and to their best possible quality of life. Even mitigate conflicts in the process. Here are “There is no way though the share of responsibilities may some tips in that direction: to be a perfect never be perfectly equal, there are ways to  Invite everyone to take a quiz to determine mother but a work together toward these common goals. their communication styles. In this way, After all, when your parents are in good you can keep in mind the best strategies for million ways to hands, healthy, and happy, the rest of you communicating effectively with each other be a good one.” can breathe more deeply and give focus to and with your aging parent. ~Jill Churchill the other areas of your life.  Schedule a regular conversation that you can all participate in to continue evaluating Of course, there are many reasons a brother the family caregiving situation. Perhaps a or sister may not be contributing to your weekly check-in is necessary, or perhaps parents’ regular care: lack of time, limited every month or every other month will be skills, interpersonal conflicts. Or they may sufficient. This doesn’t have to happen simply be disinterested. You might not be with everyone present; if distance or able to inspire their interest, but there are schedule requires it, you or your siblings ways to make their contributions more can participate through the phone or video practical, more fitting, and more welcome. conferencing. In fact, they may not even realize that you  Keep everyone up to date on any need their help. developments. Especially if you are in the role of primary caregiver who spends the The first step in rounding out your aging most time with your parents, it can help if parent’s plan of care is to cultivate open you transfer your caregiver notes into an and extensive communication. It’s never email at the end of every week or so to too late to start a conversation about what’s update your siblings about doctors working, what isn’t working, and how you appointments, challenges, and the positive events and can better share and manage the various Continued on page 3 caregiving responsibilities. milestones.

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to accept help from others with grace and they need to help; I'm Fine, Thanks it makes them feel good. If all you do is give, you will come to resent it and get cranky. You need to make sure That is the life of a caregiver. You are always fine because that you also receive from others; whether this is in the the focus is always on the person that you care for. You are form of massage, a pedicure, manicure, getting your “just fine” because if you think of allowing yourself to be haircut—all those hands-on things that make you feel more anything other than fine, your legs will come out from connected. In an ideal world it would be nice to have your under you. You just keep moving along, all the while give/receive ratio be equal, but as a caregiver you will not knowing that the person that you are trying to convince that get close to that. Shoot for what feels right for you. you are “just fine” is you. It would have to be you; everyone else in creation can see the dark circles under Active relaxation is so helpful—meditation, self-guided your eyes and recognize the tension buzzing through your relaxation, yoga, Tai Chi or any form of exercise that works system like an overdose of caffeine. the knots out. Do something that helps you develop an ability to let stress slide off your body. Let’s assume that it has been a while since someone in your life has had a diagnosis or an accident that leaves you in It is o.k. to think about you. Most of the time your focus is charge of everything. Not just them and their care, but on the person that you care for. When you do start to think everything from cooking and cleaning to paying the bills about your own needs, it feels uncomfortable, like new and getting the vehicles maintained. It might be accurate to shoes. Get over it. It is so easy to lose yourself in all of the say that you had a few minutes to adjust to the whole idea “stuff.” Re-create a life for yourself, this is the perfect time before you had to start making some pretty big decisions to take a breath and think about what you really want for and it probably has not stopped since then. you.

It is a sure bet that the personalities involved get more Take a break from drama. The inconsequential “who said interesting to boot. Not necessarily those directly involved, what about who” stuff that people love to lay at your feet. but all the folks that sort of buzz around just wanting to Just let it pass on by and pay no attention to it. cause more drama as if there is not enough already. Oddly Swear off guilt forever. I could go on and on about this one. enough, the drama that used to be so upsetting in life can Just suffice it to say: Stop with the guilt already. Feeling it, become so tiny in the scheme of things when real life rears giving it or getting it. its head. Live in the moment and kick back and relax when you can. It is right about now that you get cocky. You think to Not many people understand what an honor it is to be yourself, “Stress? Ha! I laugh at stress. I have everything someone’s caregiver. Give yourself a good healthy pat on under control.” You have it all figured out, you are the back but hurry it up; you have places to go and things to working, you have aides coming in and taking care of your do. loved one, you shop, you cook, you can find things—life is just fine. Out of the blue, you find yourself in the shower by Pat D’Andria shaking and crying and you don’t even know why. Ahhh. I guess I am not so fine after all.

This is where you realize that you really do come into the picture after all. You must fit yourself in or you won’t be o.k. If you have a counselor, you go. If you don’t have a counselor, you find one. You start to learn that you are still present and need to be cared for also. The only one to care for you is you.

There is a lot of talk about finding balance in your life. When you are a caregiver, balance seems to be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It seems that you need to tie together different skills in the hopes that in unison they will deflect some of the stress in your life.

Remember that life was hard to deal with before you were a caregiver. Not that much has really changed; there is just a whole lot more of it and it feels so huge.

Attempt to find balance anyway. Understand that you need

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Continued from page 1 Older Americans Month  Be sure to include your aging parent in the discussions whenever possible and appropriate. Older Americans Month is an annual event dating back to Remember that their input and preferences are vital for 1963, when President John F. Kennedy designated May as designing the best possible plan for caregiving. Senior Citizens Month. It was later renamed Older

Once you have a more productive connection among the Americans Month, honoring older Americans and siblings, you can begin to think creatively about the best celebrating their contributions to our communities and our nation. ways for each individual to contribute to your parents’ thriving future. The month of May is National Older Adults month in by Institute on Aging America. It’s a time set aside to recognize the contributions of senior citizens who left their mark on the world at a stage in life when others were retiring from Caregiver Jujitsu work and slowing down.

Caregiver Jujitsu - / kair-giv-er ju•jit•su / –a method Older Americans are an invaluable resource to our society. developed to help caregivers take advantage of important If there’s an older adult in your life, now is the perfect resources by turning their negative responses into positive time to celebrate the influence they’ve had on you – and action. on the world in general. But the appreciation doesn’t have to end on May 30th. My friend Sue and I were talking yesterday of many things: Of shoes--and ships—and sealing wax--Of cabbages--and kings (okay maybe I take just a little literary license). Soon the conversation came around to one of my favorite subjects, Support Groups.

Sue was talking of the efforts she made to prompt her brother -in-law, Howard, to go to a local MS spousal support group. Sue’s sister had been diagnosed twenty years ago and her condition had worsened steadily over the past five years. Sue recounted how difficult it was to get Howard to take her suggestion of joining a support group seriously, since he was (in his words) “not interested in sitting around with a bunch of people whining about their painful situations, I’ve got my own, thanks.” If the focus of conversation was on how important a support group would be to his own health and well-being, Howard would have none of it.

Sue, being thoughtful as well as clever, told him about how when she was in a support group for Alzheimer’s caregivers a A Guide for Caregiving: What’s Next? few years ago, she heard advice that the doctors could never By Tina M. Marrelli, RN have offered. People in the group talked about who were the best practitioners in the area, where free services were offered in the community, tips for what to do when her mom wouldn’t eat. In addition to family and friend caregivers, A Guide for Sue refrained from talking about how beneficial it would be Caregiving: What’s Next? to Howard’s own well-being to join a support group but may be helpful for clinicians emphasized the important things he could learn in a group to help their patients and their which would help him become an even better caregiver to his families better understand the wife. Bingo, he joined the next week. complexity of the health care

Now, he talks to Sue constantly about his little support group system. family and how it has saved his life.

Hmm, go figure. Caregiver Jujitsu strikes again.

by Gary Barg, Editor-in-Chief

Senior Resources of West Michigan NonProfit Org. 560 Seminole Rd. US Postage Muskegon, MI 49444-3720 PAID Permit #777 Muskegon, MI

The Mission Of Senior Resources An Area Agency on Aging To provide a comprehensive and coordinated system of services designed to promote the independence and dignity of older persons and their families in Muskegon, Oceana, and Ottawa counties— a mission compelling us to target older persons in greatest need but to advocate for all. To contact us, please call Virginia or Mary at: 231-739-5858 or 800-442-0054

May’s website: www.dailycaring.com

Mother’s Day Facts:

• Anna Jarvis is considered the “mother of Mother’s Day” in the U.S. Jarvis’s mother passed away in 1905 and three years later, Jarvis organized a memorial ceremony in West Virginia to honor her mother, and all mothers. She sent 500 white carnations to the service and held her own memorial in Philadelphia. That day, May 10, 1908, is considered the first official celebration of Mother’s Day.

Over the next few years, Jarvis campaigned to have Mother’s Day recognized by the federal government, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. The resolution requested that the American flag be displayed that day at businesses and homes “as a public expression of our love and reverence for the mothers of our country.” • The white carnation is the official flower of Mother’s Day. Founder Anna Jarvis compared carnations to a mother’s love in a 1927 interview, according to National Geographic. “The carnation does not drop its petals, but hugs them to its heart as it dies, and so too, mothers hug their children to their hearts, their mother love never dying,” she said. • Franklin D. Roosevelt personally designed a Mother’s Day stamp in 1934. It featured the famous “Whistler’s Mother” painting by James Abbott McNeill Whistler. • About a quarter of all holiday-related flower purchases in the U.S. are made for Mother’s Day. • 31 percent of Americans reported buying fresh flowers for their mother in 2019, according to About Flowers. • Last year, greeting cards were the most popular item shoppers planned to purchase for their mother, followed closely by flowers and a special outing, according to the National Retail Foundation.

Page Four The Caregiver Link is published monthly by Senior Resources of West Michigan, 560 Seminole, Muskegon, MI 49444