Corbett advices replacing Pitt bros teach CMU Magic: The Gathering club buses with rickshaws • A6 partying StuCo • A7 disbands due to doping • A8 SCITECH ARTS&LIVING SPORTS

thetartan.org @thetartan April 1, 2013 Volume 107, Issue 22 Carnegie Mellon’s student newspaper since 1906 CMU receives large donation, CFA, Starbucks announce job raises tuition by 10 percent placement program patrick hoskins Lassiter went on to cite Smug Computer Scientist several other reasons Star- bucks has long employed With the national un- Carnegie Mellon alumni, employment rate hovering specifically mentioned the around 8 percent, college superior attitude and general graduates face an increas- incompetence the graduates ingly unfriendly job market display that has long been — none more so than arts critical to Starbucks’ success. graduates, who are nearly all Senior art major Morgan unemployed. DelRoy was excited for the To stem the flow of un- news. “I think it’s great that employed graduates, the they’re hiring so many new College of Fine Arts (CFA) grads. My parents said if I

“I don’t give two s**** what those kids do, so long as they keep the alumni donations pouring in. Mama needs a new pair of shoes.”

—Martha Kidderman, CFA Dean

reached out to the largest didn’t get a job they’d cut me single employer of its alumni: off, so I’ll just work here until Photo courtesy of danmachold, The Told, thefer via flickr,, photo illistration courtesy ofEmily Dobler/Staff Photographer Starbucks. “Starbucks has al- I have my big gallery opening. ways employed a large num- Once people see my paintings will Penman press release. “Without his Monday’s announcement, said. “The way some schools ber of our alumni, so working I’ll be set. Then I can keep liv- Broke Ph.D. Student contribution, we would not however, changed the plan want better education, that’s with them to employ our new ing the bohemian lifestyle I be able to fund an increase in for the next few years. “When how much we’ve wanted a grads was a logical choice. deserve,” he explained. School officials announced student tuition. This donation we heard the good news, we tuition increase. And now we Someone needs to make Other students were not Monday that alumnus Turd serves to show that Carnegie immediately commissioned can have it. This gift gives us those fancy shapes in cus- so excited. “This whole thing Ferguson will endow Carnegie Mellon is a quality institution, a group to study whether we the money to pay for tuition tomers’ lattes, and there’s no is insulting to us artists. We Mellon with an unprecedent- though. Our sticker price can could increase tuition again,” increases for the next several better preparation than four don’t need money! We don’t ed $900 million donation. now be adjusted upward to re- Cohon said. “The number years. We can reprint our bro- years at CMU,” explained need jobs! We just need our This closely follows William flect that.” they’ve returned with is some- chures to reflect a new cost of CFA Dean Martha Kidder- art and our emotion! The S. Dietrich’s $265 million con- Cohon noted that after Di- thing we’re pleased to present attendance, change the web- man. world is our canvas!” sopho- tribution in September 2011. etrich’s contribution, which to the student body. The cost site, retrain our financial ad- Though initially skeptical more art major Lana Ad- Ferguson’s donation is the was the seventh-largest single of attendance at Carnegie visers. We may even be able of the deal, Starbucks has ams said via email from the largest single gift to higher contribution in history, Carn- Mellon will increase 10 per- to hire some new accountants since wholeheartedly agreed $3,000 laptop her parents education in history, nearly egie Mellon was only going cent in fall 2013.” to deal with our increased in- to it. “What’s great is that bought her. doubling Carnegie Mellon’s to raise tuition 4 percent per Cohon’s announcement come.” none of these kids knows the When addressed with stu- current endowment. The gift year. “Put up a few plaques, was well received by Cohon Chastity announced that value of a dollar, so we can dent complaints, Kidderman will be used to fund tuition give out some mini-blankets supporters. Carnegie Mellon will restruc- pay them cents on the dol- replied, “I don’t give two s*** increases. — done,” Cohon said. “The Martha Chastity, former ture the whole financial aid lar,” Starbucks CEO John Las- what those kids do, so long “We’re very thankful for rest of the Dietrich money head of financial aid, lavished department to reduce siter said. “I mean, they’re all as they keep the alumni do- Ferguson,” university Presi- was earmarked for tuition in- praise on the gift. “Things are being given money by their nations pouring in. Momma dent Jared Cohon said in a creases.” pretty tight around here,” she See tuition, A3 parents anyway.” needs a new pair of shoes.” President Cohon calls for more attractive student body angela vertucci its overall image. ampunk. And Legend of Zelda students First Fridays (on the addresses the most difficult The president pointed to Left CMU, was too attractive “I expected to be beat by is fine when confined to the first Friday of every month, APAS factor: natural beauty. alumni from the School of all the state schools with their hours of your sad Friday campus food venues offer dif- The president called for a Drama as representative of In a recent proposal to the Division-I football players, but night. If it’s on your T-shirt, ferent specials), the campus complete restructuring of the his vision for the future: “That university’s Board of Trustees, those every school in the Ivy however, it’s a problem. But will begin what Cohon is call- admissions process to favor tasty cake, Ian Harding — you President Jared Cohon called Leage got us too,” he said. CMU students just don’t care ing Maintenance Mondays. attractive applicants and to know, the cradle-robbing Eng- for aggressive policy to in- APAS scores are calculated about their appearance,” Co- Every Monday, Entropy will “cut down on all this ugly.” lish teacher on Pretty Little crease the Aggregate Physical based on four factors for a hon said. sell shampoo, body wash, hair He also petitioned the univer- Liars — he’s a CMU alumni. Appeal Score (APAS) of the given population. These fac- Cohon shared that he care products, and deodorant sity for scholarship funds that Ted Danson too. Great hair. student population. tors include natural beauty, wants to reallocate funds cur- at half price. For students in would be granted to current Athletic build. We need more Cohon, himself a man of hygiene, fashion, and cos- rently used to stock the cam- the School of Computer Sci- aesthetically displeasing stu- incoming students like them demure countenance and ex- metic maintenance — serious pus with free news publica- ence, the products will be dents willing to transfer out. to bolster our image.” ceptional physicality, is dis- problem areas for the aver- tions to purchase magazines free. “We have to re-evaluate the As a final part of Cohon’s concerted by Carnegie Mel- age Carnegie Mellon student. like InStyle, Allure, “and even “The other day I was in way that we select students,” proposal, the School of Drama lon’s placement in the bottom To significantly increase the People. ‘If that Gosling kid is Gates and a robot got in the el- Cohon explained. “I want would be expanded (at the ex- tier of U.S. News’ 2013 college university’s score, Cohon and wearing it, then Jared, you evator with me — asked me to headshots to be a required pense of the other schools) to APAS rankings. incoming university President should be too.’ That’s what I let him off on the sixth floor. piece of the application. One allow for greater admittance He worries that despite the Subra Suresh will have to con- tell myself each morning,” Co- I thought, how can someone frontal and at least one side. of acting majors. “I may be university’s prestigious aca- trive a multifaceted plan of ac- hon said. have the wherewithal to build You may have scored a 2400 an idealist, but Suresh and I demic reputation and status tion that addresses each of the Hygiene and cosmetic this bot, but not wear deodor- on the SAT, but, last I checked, know what this school needs,” as an outstanding research four areas. maintenance present more ant?’ ” Cohon said. SAT doesn’t stand for Sex Ap- he said. “We can do better institution, its sub-subpar “Look, you’ll never see at- pressing issues. In an initiative The most drastic piece of peal Test — so if you’re snag- than this. We can look better APAS score will detract from tractive people sporting ste- similar to that which brought Cohon’s proposal to the board gle-toothed, you’re out.” than this.”

Photos courtesy of lewishamdreamer, My Blue Van via flickr, file photo byJonathan Carreon/Contributing Editor A2 « thetartan.org/special The Tartan » April 1, 2013 feature photoS news in brief Dietrich’s ghost rescinds donation Tartans Primarily found in trash cans A new Tartan distribu- ‘what have we done?’ ” tion study reveals that copies Matt Hesler, senior busi- of The Tartan are primarily ness major and coordinator found in trash cans around for the study, explains that Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The Tartan has a special pow- This is the conclusion of an er to draw people in. “Appar- extensive, year-long inquiry ently people are compelled into the reading habits of The to actually pick up a copy of Tartan’s readers. The Tartan just to toss it in The Tartan is committed the trash,” he said. “We see to being relevant to its read- no evidence that they’ve even ers, and these results will be opened it.” used to guide future Tartan Trash cans were not the distribution points. “We may only place copies of The Tar- just start by putting them in tan were found. Less popular the trash,” Jennifer Coloma, points of distribution were publisher of The Tartan, said. bathroom floors, papier-mâ- Others were less focused ché projects, student bonfires, on a interpreting the results and administrators’ offices. and more on how surprising “I read The New York Times the results were themselves. and I read The Tartan,” direc- “You mean people take them tor of student services Justine off the racks?” editor-in-chief Hess proudly said. “I think Josh Smith exclaimed. “Every it’s important to hear what all time I walk past the stack of of the students have to say.” untouched copies at the front of Baker I shudder and think, Dutch give it to Pittsburgh, all day long

Gerald Hans, the Dutch take this opportunity to re- Minister for Foreign Af- lieve some of the pressure fairs, will be paying a visit we have as a result of to- Photo illustrations courtesy of Kelsey Scott/Operations Manager to Pittsburgh on behalf of day’s economy.” the Danish government. Hans says that Brod- The visit is in part the result kowsky was too kind, hav- of the sister-city program ing “an understanding of Obama comes to Pittsburgh, again being launched to encour- such affairs on par with age an intimate relation- Clinton’s secretary [sic].” ship between Amsterdam The minister also said that and Pittsburgh. he’s very excited by the “As sister cities it’s im- softly rolling hills and val- portant that we be close, leys of this exciting region. very close,” said Allegheny He particularly looks for- County Councilman Louis ward to his first opportu- Brodkowsky during his visit nity on top of a nice piece to Amsterdam as he bent of topography for a while. before the Queen. “There’s “Holland is a low, low, low so much in a fluid relation- country. Being above the ship like this to exchange, level of most sea men will and while we don’t want be a pleasant change, al- to be accused of being too though I’ll miss the smell of eager to jump into bed with salt in the air.” each other, I think we’d be Compiled by really hard pressed to not Will Penman, Justin McGown Weather

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday High / Low High / Low High / Low 38 / 29 96 / 84 -20/ -16

Photo illustrations courtesy of Celia Ludwinski, Kate Groschner/Photo Editor President Obama returned to Pittsburgh today to give an incredibly moving speech about how he always finds himself coming back, even though he personally cannot stand the city. “Who puts coleslaw on a sandwich?” he said. “It’s not even any good! Pierogies suck too!” Campus Crime & Incident Reports Friday Saturday Sunday Bicycle Theft first-year. Upon arrival, of- Harassment saying the student had a knife High / Low High / Low High / Low March 23, 2013 ficers found that the student March 25, 2013 and fork in hand and was 103 / 92 -56 / -459.67 451 / 372 was having a slight allergic blowing a dog whistle. Upon University Police were no- reaction to oregano, which he A pair of students tabling arrival, officers found no trace tified that a bicycle was sto- had bought from the second for a sexual harassment semi- of the student save for a crum- len from the Merson Court- nar was cited for sexual ha- student. The second student pled-up recipe for stewed dog. Corrections & Clarifications yard. Upon arrival, officers admitted that he sold it under rassment. The students were questioned the owner, who the guise of marijuana. Both hooting and hollering at pass- The article “Cohon attacked by gaggle of racist hill- described the bicycle as a students will be cited for dis- er-bys, running up to people Public Intoxication billies” (News, March 27) incorrectly claims that Presi- “minimalist-looking fixie with orderly conduct. and pouring water on them, March 27, 2013 retro — but still cutting-edge and then giving them a poster dent Jared Cohon is a woman. He is, in fact, a man. Ad- — cruiser handlebars.” The saying “If you’ve ever expe- Officers patrolling through ditionally, the gaggle in question request that they be bicycle also has a basket on its Disorderly Conduct rienced sexual harassment, campus in the early morning identified as “white supremacists;” they find the term observed a student sleeping in front that contained mustache March 25, 2013 come to the Sexual Harass- “racist” offensive. wax, a navy beanie, and a ment Seminar.” University Po- the nude on one of the Walk- The events described in the article “Several serenad- pack of Marlboro cigarettes at University Police respond- lice say the students thought ing to the Sky figures. Officers ing sirens seduce science students” (News, March 19) the time of the theft. Officers ed to the IM Field for a report they were being ironic. woke the student, who was did not come to pass. We apologize for the confusion. are currently scouring CFA for of a fight between the Carn- found to be intoxicated and The MCS men featured in the article remain virgins. the stolen bicycle. egie Mellon Quidditch Team who could not remember how The photograph in “Beautiful woman exposes herself and members of the LARP Suspicious Person he had climbed up the sculp- on campus” (Pillbox, Feb. 1) was heavily pixelated due club. Officers ascertained March 26, 2013 ture. After the student refused to a printing error. We apologize for the mistake. An un- Disorderly Conduct that a fight had broken out to come down and started censored version is available online. There was a report of a March 23, 2013 because the field had been inappropriately touching the The women featured in the article “Women in your suspicious person, allegedly double-booked. Two students, figurine, officers erected a lad- area want you” (News, March 3) do not actually want University Police respond- a student, closely following a dressed as Voldemort and der, used a stun gun to disable you. We apologize for the fleeting sense of hope it may ed to the Residence on Fifth university employee walking Conan the Warrior respective- him, and brought him down. have inspired. for a report of a first-year the scotty dogs. The employee ly, had to be detained due to He was issued two citations. We are issuing a retraction for the article “Student student fighting with another phoned the University Police wand and sword fighting. Senate seat of scumbags” (Forum, March 7). The Stu- dent Senate is filled with amazing, dedicated people who shine a blazing light of leadership over the entire student senate meeting minutes campus. Please don’t cut our budget. Constitutional Special Attempted Coup Publicity If you would like to submit a correction or clarifi- cation, reconsider what you’re doing with your life. Amendment Allocation: Slush Campaign If you’re still unsatisfied, please email The Tartan at Fund [email protected] or [email protected] with your The Student Senate vot- The student body presi- Student Senate success- The Student Senate inquiry, as well as a list of all the things you’ve done ed today to change the size dent petitioned Student fully put down an attempt- voted today to begin a new wrong with your life that has led to you angrily email- of a required Senate quo- Senate for $1,000 toward ed coup by Guiding Light, publicity campaign in or- ing a college newspaper. We will print the correction or rum to one person: The stu- the Presidential Slush a student revolutionary der to inform students of clarification in the next print issue and publish it online dent body president. Under Funds. The money would movement. Guiding Light the recent constitutional while wondering what drives one to make such point- the revised constitution, the go toward a “rad party” that claimed that Senate was an changes. Themes include less decisions. We’ll then mourn our own irrelevancy president will have absolute all of the Senate is invited unconstitutional encroach- “Studying is Peace. Free over the bottle of scotch kept in the editor-in-chief’s power in the Senate and the to, financing liquid refresh- ment on students’ natural Time is Slavery. Alcohol is desk. ability to distribute money ment and herbal supple- rights and needed to be re- Strength.” and “Your Pro- where he sees fit. ments. After two hours of placed by a socialist utopia. fessors Are Watching You.” discussion, Senate unani- Rebels were summarily ex- mously supported the mo- pelled. Compiled by tion (1–0–0). Patrick Hoskins April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/special » A3 CMU opens eight new campuses, expands through alphabet will penman they probably don’t have Gets off on close analyses any schools. And I said ‘Jay, sounds to me like those peo- Following Carnegie Mel- ple need some education,’ I lon’s expansion from Pitts- says. Wouldn’t you know it, burgh (CMU-P) to Qatar in I was right. Turns out it’s in 2008 (CMU-Q) and Rwanda Tibet. That right there’s the last year (CMU-R), the uni- perfect level of developing versity has announced eight country and oppressive dic- more campuses. tatorship with lots of money Campuses in Sweden we look for when we want to (CMU-S), Turkmenistan expand our footprint. Those (CMU-T), Uruguay (CMU- people need our help, and U), Vanuatu (CMU-V), we need their money.” Wilkinsburg (CMU-W), Most impressive in the Xainza (CMU-X), Yugoslavia series of announcements is (CMU-Y), and New Zealand Carnegie Mellon’s daring (CMU-Z) will open in the fall foray into the Pittsburgh semester. suburb of Wilkinsburg. “It’s Carnegie Mellon will now a dangerous place, but we have campuses on every in- know that the local people habited continent, a first for need our help. If we can help any school. “This expands the poor people in Rwanda, our global academic foot- we can help the poor people print,” President Jared Co- in Wilkinsburg,” said pro- hon said in a press confer- gram director Noel Zahler. ence. “A few years ago when The borough of Wilkins- we started expanding, we re- Photo courtesy of kcp4911 via flickr (probably), photo illustration by Kate Groschner/Photo Editor burg plans on raising taxes alized that it was much more to fund Carnegie Mellon’s fun to spread than to stick “Even worse, Turkmeni- Mellon University in Turk- cal matters are our forte at break Vanuatu courses, on- expansion. Cohon said, to doing what’s best for our stan commits terrible hu- menistan will prepare stu- CMU, and we weren’t going site at Vanuatu beaches. “We have decided to accept students. There are native man rights violations and dents to become innovators to let local politics get in the Students who do not get Wilkinsburg’s offer to pay us people to help and oppres- is one of the 10 most cen- and leaders in the informa- way of our ambition. Look, accepted to Vanuatu may to locate there. We hope that sive regimes to contribute to sored countries in the world. tion revolution that is trans- we may not know anything have to fall back to the New this program creates some all over the world.” That’s a tough sell,” Cohon forming Turkmenistan and about the area, but we’re Zealand campus. “New Zea- success in the region — oth- Cohon pointed to the continued, “but after we Central Asia.” sure that we can make a pos- land’s pretty much consid- erwise, eventually govern- troubled history of Turkmen- opened a campus in Rwan- The other new campuses itive difference.” ered a developed country, ments will stop giving us istan as an example. “A few da, where genocidal attacks were chosen with particular Carnegie Mellon will es- so it didn’t seem like there money to establish such pro- years ago people would’ve occurred in the last 15 years attention to their natural tablish and operate a mas- was much reason for us to go grams.” thought it was crazy to open and many consider the cur- characteristics. “Dave [Turn- ter’s degree program in there,” Cohon said. “Then I “It’s a new model of edu- a campus in Turkmenistan. rent leader to be a despot er, Vice Provost] loves Swed- experimental geology in remembered they filmed all cation, research, and devel- People only know Kazakh- — well, Turkmenistan didn’t ish Fish,” Cohon said. “Plus, Vanuatu. “It’s a small island those Lord of the Rings docu- opment,” Cohon added. stan is a country because of seem like a bad choice. But those socialists need to learn and we’ll be having classes in mentaries there, and I knew Carnegie Mellon has no that Borat movie, and half now that we’ve spread into a thing or two about good how to detect earthquakes,” we had to go. That Sauron’s plans to open further cam- of them think it was made the country, we can finally old-fashioned American program director Burt Reyn- no joke, and I think Gon- puses after this year. “Then up. Turkmenistan takes their straighten them out. We’re capitalism! It’s what’s made olds said. “We are pleased dor’s going to need some again,” Cohon concluded in neighbor to the north and looking forward to being our country great, and theirs to bring our expertise in good engineers to take them the press conference, “we raises them one in craziness. such a positive influence on objectively better.” mounting international pro- out. Can’t rely on Legolas to didn’t plan to expand after Until 2006 their leader was the native people.” CMU-Y, in Yugoslavia, has grams and our culture of in- do everything.” Rwanda either. Maybe we’ll a man who declared him- When asked specifically been criticized for not being novation to Vanuatu and to “Hey, if we’re really be- find a city that starts with self ‘President for Life’ and about human rights viola- placed in a real country. “We contribute to the country’s ing honest here,” continued Greek letters and be able to started broadcasts by pledg- tions in Turkmenistan, pro- did hear that technically emergence as a regional Cohon, “I didn’t even know expand more while still con- ing that the broadcaster’s gram director Bruce Little Yugoslavia has been broken earthquake hub.” what this Xainza place was. tinuing our naming conven- tongue would shrivel if he replied by email, “We are up into other countries,” Co- Faculty and students are But I figured that means it tion.” slandered the country.” confident that Carnegie hon admitted. “But techni- already enrolling in spring can’t be that important, so Dietrich College Student has sexual intercourse and lives william Park size seven. looking like Kauffman mum- University officials have named CMU’s Is a size 13 As with any historic event, bling to himself outside Peter- yet to release any statement there are skeptics and critics. son’s apartment. regarding student sex. Many One reason students are Close friends of Kauffman Many students are curious professors, however, have is- Hufflepuff House attracted to Carnegie Mel- have claimed that though he is to see the fates of these two sued more homework and lon can be highlighted by the very much alive, his personali- students. Should Kauffman quizzes in the past weeks. One madelyn glymour could benefit from House af- popular phrase — “Sex kills. ty has completely altered since return to his normal self, more can only wonder if this is a Pottermore Player filiations as well. Come to CMU and live for- the night he lost his virginity. students might be interested ploy by the university to over- “You have to be pretty ever.” “He can’t stop singing Ce- in making time in their busy work students so that they In an unprecedented brave to go into CFA consid- Campus tour guides might line Dion and has written schedules for sex. don’t even have time to think move, Dean of Dietrich Col- ering today’s economy, so need to reconsider using this dozens of love poems that he “I’m definitely interested about sex. lege Mary Porter officially af- Gryffindor would be a great slogan. stacks on his desk,” said soph- [in sex]. I just didn’t believe it When asked to comment, filiated the college with Huf- partner for the college. And On March 22, sophomore omore Chris Swiger, Kauff- was possible to survive,” said professor of computer science flepuff House. God knows the CIT students mechanical engineering ma- man’s best friend and room- junior Harry Silbert. “I mean, Norman Schmidt said, “Don’t “Given the historical simi- are smart enough and self- jor Steve Kauffman engaged mate. Some students even I pass out every time I mastur- you know you have a midterm larities of our institutions, contained enough to be in sexual intercourse with claimed to have seen someone bate.... That’s not normal?” tomorrow?” it only made sense,” Porter Ravenclaws,” Porter said. May Peterson, a sophomore said in the announcement on Some Dietrich students, psychology major. Both have Thursday. however, say that the af- lived to tell the tale. Porter pointed to both filiation with Hufflepuff is ill Though fornication is often institutions’ reputations as suited. thought of as two people giv- “catch-all” choices. “It’s nonsense,” said senior ing in to their bodily tempta- “At Hogwarts, if you’re undeclared Dietrich student tions, theirs was not the case. brave you go to Gryffindor; if Ronald Nielsen. “We couldn’t Rather, sex was the product of you’re smart you go to Raven- be less like Hufflepuff. The their intellectual curiosities. claw; if you’re evil you go to Sorting Hat thinks you might For Kauffman, coitus present- Slytherin; and if you’re none belong in Hufflepuff if you’re ed an opportunity to further of those things, well, Huf- just and loyal, patient and explore his knowledge of fluid flepuff will take you anyway,” true, and unafraid of toil.” mechanics, while Peterson Porter said. “Here at Carnegie “I’m sure there are a lot wished to test Freud’s psycho- Mellon, if you’re good with of just and loyal people in sexual theory. computers you go to SCS, if Dietrich,” Nielsen continued. So when Peterson knocked you’re good at acting you go “And I’d be willing to bet on Kauffman’s Fairfax apart- to the School of Drama, and there a lot of true ones, too. ment explaining her wishes, if you’re evil you go to Tepper. But every Dietrich student he was “more than game.” “It And if you don’t know what I’ve ever met has been very really solidified my classroom you’re good at, then Dietrich afraid of toil.” knowledge and helped me ace is here for you.” The Head of Hufflepuff my midterm,” Kauffman said. Porter said that other House could not be reached On the other hand, Pe- Carnegie Mellon colleges for comment. terson has seemed more am- bivalent. “I couldn’t really feel anything — emotionally and physically. Maybe what they

say about shoe size is true.” Photo courtesy of nick see via flickr Kauffman reportedly wears a Steve Kauffman celebrates his near-death experience, glad to live to see another day. University claims it needs more money tuition, from A1 donors. Buy a jet to fly donors “Even if you help them as Bernstein said. “If I borrow to visit CMU, with a custom freshmen, they’re just going money from my friends maybe the money handed out. “We tunnel from the airport here, to graduate in four-to-five I can buy a needle and thread only have so much to spare,” filled with bright pictures of years,” she said. and sew this one together Chastity said. our wealth and prosperity. This sentiment was echoed with the one I got for the Di- Not everyone is pleased That would be a wiser use of by Soprano, who noted that etrich donation to make one with the tuition increase, this money. Tuition increas- direct benefits like library sub- whole blanket!” however. Future Director of es will come naturally with scriptions and financial aid Sophomore computer Monetary Extraction Eric So- time.” were overrated. “Our students science major Hank Kaplan prano emphasizes that we will Administrators were are so resourceful,” he said. was more recalcitrant. When need many more donations if unanimous with regard to “They always find a way to asked how he thought the do- we want to break the nation’s direct changes to students’ succeed. If we spend money to nation would impact his edu- top 10 largest endowments, education. Such expenditures help them out now, we won’t cation, he murmured, “I’ll get led by Harvard University. would be wasted on students. ever catch up to the Ivies.” it to you tomorrow. I’m almost “It’s a step in the right di- “Here today, gone tomorrow,” For their part, students done. I’m almost done.” rection,” Soprano said. “But Chastity explained. “Should seem to have been pacified Whatever the long-term we should spend this money we really spend money on by more mini-blankets. “Oh results, Ferguson’s donation is on getting other donations. Photos courtesy of Island 2000 Trust Conservation (Gift To Nature), WELS.net fleeting things like individual my gosh, they’re in red now!” sure to usher in a new era at The new Dietrich mascot, an unfulfilled badger — just like Hufflepuff! Really wine and dine potential students?” junior economics major Sasha Carnegie Mellon. A4 « thetartan.org/special The Tartan » April 1, 2013 House Republicans declare CMU Missing student abstinence program ‘too effective’ lost on Gates helix for five days Josh Smith Green, a University Police Mad with Power officer. After rehabilitation, Rei- After five days of search- ser recounted his time on and-rescue efforts, missing the helix. “The first day was first-year Alex Reiser was spent constantly climbing found hungry and severely the helix. I just kept think- dehydrated on the Gates ing that, any minute now, Hillman Complex helix. I’ll reach the top.” Rescuers believe the me- Reiser spent the morning chanical engineering major of the second day calling out had spent those five days for help, but his efforts were lost and disoriented after in vain. “The frustration of mistakenly walking onto the seeing people rushing to classes on the other side of the glass walls, but not be- “I just kept ing able to get their atten- tion, almost broke me,” Rei- thinking that, ser said. any minute Reiser later collapsed from exhaustion, and awoke now, I’ll reach when found by campus po- the top.” lice one-third of the way up the helix. There were deep gashes up Reiser’s left leg, —Alex Reiser, presumably inflicted by a First-year roving pack of feral dogs. While the campus is thrilled by the news of his helix ramp. rescue, Green sees this Photo art by Emily Dobler/Staff Photographer Reiser was reported whole ordeal as an oppor- Rep. Eric Cantor demonstrating his proposed solution to the Carnegie Mellon sex deficit: vodka and the sight of his handsome mug. missing on Thursday by his tunity to reform how the roommate Justin Daniels, campus community views Patrick Hoskins dreamed so few people would olds walking around making everything in our power to get first-year chemical engi- the Gates Hillman Complex Hottie with a Body be having sex. I mean, techni- those of us getting laid feel students laid. That’s why we neering major. “He had a helix. “We need to better in- cally this is what we wanted, uncomfortable.” hand out free condoms and 15-110 lecture Wednesday form students and faculty to House leaders met today but it’s just kind of sad,” House This emergency session spike the water fountains with morning in Gates, so when avoid the helix unless they in Washington, D.C. in an Majority Leader Eric Cantor was met with a substantial vodka. Nothing seems to be he wasn’t back by Thursday are well equipped and have emergency session to discuss explained. agreement on both sides of working.” night, I just felt something extensive survival training.” an unusual issue in this post- Democrats were critical the aisle. It seems that the one The Federal government was wrong,” Daniels said. Reiser, however, will not election season: the sex lives of the session. “What do you thing Republicans and Demo- thought they could do a better Reiser had inadvertently let this experience daunt of Carnegie Mellon students. expect when you tell people crats can agree on is that the job. The session resulted in an proceeded up the helix after him. “The helix beat me this Or, rather, the lack thereof. not to do it?” House Minority sex lives of Carnegie Mellon emergency appropriations bill the lecture, instead of tak- time, but I want to face it Republicans have long Leader Nancy Pelosi said. “Ei- students is pretty sad. for $10 million in alcohol and ing the stairs. “While up- again, on my own terms,” he campaigned for abstinence- ther people keep having sex However, this was news brown paper bags to be sent to perclassmen are well aware said. “I’m going to work my only sex education, but never and pop out babies, or they ac- to University Health Services Pittsburgh before the start of of the dangers present in way up from easier slopes, imagined it would be as effec- tually take it to heart, and you head Rhonda Perlman. “Ab- Carnival. travelling on the helix, first- hire a sherpa, and bring oxy- tive as it has been at Carnegie have a bunch of depressed, stinence campaign? What “We can only pray they get years and new students gen. I’ll not be beaten by Mr. Mellon. “No one could have sexually repressed 20-year- abstinence campaign? We do there in time,” Cantor said. are uninformed,” said Tim Gates!” Batman selected to speak No one mourns booth collapse at 2013 commencement will penman about the importance of lat- simultaneously projected in Rocking Rhetorician eral thinking. “One example English, Chinese, Korean, and Patrick Hoskins of the value of lateral think- Hindi during graduation. Batmanologist ing is the time the Riddler Batman was nominated gave me a fiendish riddle on to be the speaker by an over- Carnegie Mellon an- a piece of paper. I knew ‘pa- whelming number of stu- nounced Friday that Batman per’ begins with ‘p,’ just like dents. Second place, the will give the commencement ‘penguin,’ and the Penguin trollface meme, may have re- address at this year’s gradua- carries an umbrella, which ceived fewer votes because of tion ceremony. you use when it rains, which an uncertainty in the serious- “I’ve always had a strong begins with ‘r.’ ‘R’ and ‘p’ are ness of the speaker’s willing- connection to Pittsburgh,” two letters, and they are two ness to attend. Batman said via text message. letters apart in the alphabet. Senior vocal performance “I’ve cleared out my schedule Two times two is four, which major Melanie Brown was for graduation day and I’m led me to the Riddler’s hide- surprised that Carnegie Mel- happy to announce that I will out in an apartment on Fourth lon actually asked Batman address the student body.” Avenue.” to speak. “I remember a few President Jared Cohon Another important theme years ago we were asked was very eager to make the will be trusting in science and to vote on what the mascot announcement, stating that rational thinking. “You need would be, and though the “[Batman] is the speaker CMU to think clearly,” Batman ex- winner was Optimus Prime, deserves, although maybe not plained, “unlike criminals. the administration instead the one it needs right now. Criminals are a supersti- chose a scotty dog,” she said. We may boo him for it, but tious, cowardly lot. They plan “I’m just glad they didn’t he can take it. Because he’s and plot but they always get chose someone equally lame not a speaker, he’s a talkative caught. Their evil schemes all to speak, like Aquaman.” guardian, a well-watched lec- come to naught.” Batman has been to Pitts- turer, the Dark Orator.” Batman receives many burgh several times to spread Batman is expected to requests to speak at gradua- awareness of his crime-fight- speak about overcoming tions across the country, but ing campaign. “I’ve also en- adversity, following your all of them signal to him with joyed Pamela’s,” Batman said. dreams, and using your a strong beam of light in the “Now there is a good break- wealth to invest heavily in sky. This has become burden- fast. Not as good as justice, innovative technologies. “I some to Batman. “All of the though, old chum.” would not be here today if lights! Cop lights, flashlights, Carnegie Mellon is com- I didn’t have a Batmobile,” spotlights, strobe lights, pensating Batman for his he said, hinting at his com- streetlights... all of the lights!” considerable travel expenses Photo courtesy of Boring Pittsburgh The scene of the tragic booth collapse outside sorority Kappa Alpha Theta. mencement address. “What’s he said. “Just text me.” from his home in Gotham your ‘Batmobile’? Your com- Texting has become Bat- City to Pittsburgh. But school puter? Your clothes? Your ré- man’s communication medi- officials consider the cost to Patrick Hoskins structural integrity, maybe by sitting at 312 likes. sumé? Once you make your um of choice since he realized be negligible compared to Yeah I wrote this one too recruiting more CivE girls to First responders believe Batmobile, they’ll never be that people rarely understand the anticipation of Batman’s work on it.” that, had the girls acted to able to take it away from you.” his gravelly voice. The text speech. After all, as Batman The Kappa Alpha Theta Students walking on the save their friends, many of Batman also intends to talk of Batman’s speech will be texted, “I’m Batman.” house was the scene of trag- Greek quad at the time kept them would have avoided edy today, when the sorority’s walking. Sophomore Kap- major injuries. Still, members shoddily constructed Carnival pa Kappa Gamma member maintain that a hospital stay booth collapsed, injuring six Christie Linklater said, “We’ve is nothing compared to good girls. The campus response had a betting pool going for a vibes and Facebook attention. was a resounding “meh.” while now about when their In wake of the incident, The collapse occurred af- booth would collapse. I’m set the administration plans on ter sophomore vocal perfor- to win 100 bucks!” continuing with business as mance major Tracy Hender- Despite others’ apathy and usual. “There is no need to son attempted to add “more excitement, Theta responded alter a grand Carnegie Mel- flair” to the eastern side of to the collapse with the ap- lon condition just because a the booth. Already leaning at propriate decorum. As the few people sustained minor a dangerous 22-degree angle, dust settled, members raced injuries, and a few more are the flair she added was too to whip out their phones and hospitalized,” said Student much for the booth, causing post consoling words on the Activities Coordinator Duke the collapse. injured women’s Facebook Laughlin. “This fits very nicely “Frankly, I’m not surprised pages. Junior Heather Kim with our master plan to force it happened. I’m surprised it currently has the greatest Greek life out of the school.” lasted as long as it did,” said character-to-like ratio with Theta plans to regroup junior civil engineering ma- her post “:(” on Henderson’s and rebuild, dedicating its jor Kurt Laurie. “They should wall getting 237 likes. First- new booth to their fallen com- have focused more on mak- year Kasey Angles is a far sec- rades. “This will get us a med- Brent Heard/News Editor Batman, seen here practicing his speech. “I took some inspiration from Scared Straight,” he said. ing sure the booth had some ond, with her post “Oh no!” al for sure!” Kim said. April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/special » A5 Frezza myth keeps Drama school to admit straight actors Evan Kahn just as good as they are,” the stitution that has any restric- others. At least if a male stu- mystifying students Uptight Copy Editor student said. “I’ve only been tion is the Julliard School, dent comes out as straight able to come out as straight which requires that all male after we admit him, well, Patrick Hoskins piece. Professors could do Cedar Pooke, head of to my best drama friends. dance and theater majors we don’t kick him out. Some PHI Frequenter nothing during his critiques Carnegie Mellon’s School of There’s a stigma about it here, identify as either gay or bi- schools would do so.” except weep at their own ir- Drama, released a statement and I just feel self-conscious sexual. Those who identify Some drama students, Students this week were relevance.” last Wednesday that sent with everyone looking at me as pansexual or any other ab- while not overtly opposed to shocked to hear about the “That’s a load of horse tremors through the entire de- like I have a disease. It’s much stract sexual orientation, or the new admittance policy, return of Frezza to campus rubbish,” said physics profes- partment: The school will be easier to just gush about one decline to identify, are not ad- fear for their own livelihood in today. A man shrouded in sor Kurt Langstrom. “One of giving preference to straight of Angel’s monologues from mitted and are sent an email the program. “I can see where myth, known only through my colleagues taught young male students for the upcom- Rent. But you know what? I the president is coming from,” graffiti on the bathroom Frezza. Was forced to give ing fall 2012 semester. just want to be de Niro. I can’t admitted first-year dramatur- walls at Panther Hollow Inn him an A after he came up “This is not a purely ex- stand musicals.” “I just want gy student Stephen Twinkson. (better known as PHI), Frez- with a new beer bong design ecutive decision on my part,” Most of the School of “I like affirmative action — I za has mystified generations that let you drink it twice Pooke said apologetically “It’s Drama’s faculty, however, to be de Niro. just don’t like when it keeps of Carnegie Mellon students. as fast. Boy was a master of part of a larger university- seemed rather nonplussed I can’t stand good gay people like me from Senior Ashley Garrett, a fluid dynamics. Came by all wide effort to increase diver- about admitting more straight getting into places.” PHI regular, recounted what the time for physics PHI-day, sity and improve our college men, and a significant faction musicals.” “I have to kiss guys in he knew of Frezza, saying, “I back when I was a young ad- rankings to show up those Ivy deemed the move harmful to plays,” junior acting major An- heard he can chug a pitcher junct.” Leaguers.” the program. gela Thurston said. “Can you of beer while wiring a bread- Soon, Frezza found his Carnegie Mellon will be “I don’t mean to be of- —Unidentified imagine if they actually liked board. He built a robot that way back to his ancestral the second American drama fensive — I have a straight Straight Student, me? Gross! It’s so unnatural.” runs on alcohol and was haunt in PHI. Perched on a school to implement such an friend — but gay men are Drama Major There is a significant fac- the basis for Bender from stool with a pitcher of beer admittance policy, the first much better on stage than tion of drama students, how- Futurama.” in one hand and a pitcher of being Yale’s School of Drama. those straights,” said associ- ever, that plans to take the Cut Junior Carlos Giralt dis- shots in the other, he con- President Jared Cohon ex- ate dance professor Velma recommending that they ap- by force to protest the policy. agreed, claiming Frezza was firmed all the myths. “I’m the plained, “When we learned an Kelly. “They aren’t so stiff all ply to a liberal arts institution. Frankie Smithers, a senior act- in fact an art student. “Frez- rip-roarin-est, rootin-tootin- Ivy League school was doing the time, and they tend to be “We never ask a student’s ing major, is spearheading this za was the one that came est, drinkin-est, engineerin- it, we had to do it too.” much louder. And better look- sexual orientation upon au- effort. up with the idea for Lobster est, artin-est, sonuvab**** One straight male student, ing.” dition, nor at any subsequent He gave only one com- Man, while doing Irish car to ever walk through these who requested not to be iden- There is no written policy time,” said professor of acting ment, directed at Cohon and bombs here on a Tuesday doors. I’ll outdrink you, out- tified, is looking forward to for accepting students of cer- Moonrise Fitzgerald. “How- his board of trustees. “What night. He got a grant to pay draw you, outthink you, and the implementation of the tain sexual orientations to ever, I admit that we do tend are you doing?” he said. for his bar tab by showing seduce you. And yes, I do new admittance policy. Carnegie Mellon’s School of to accept students who come “What, what, what are you it was all a performance art wear a blazer.” “Now they’ll see that we’re Drama; the only collegiate in- off as more... flamboyant than doing?” Animal Control announces new program OS course revealed to catch untamed bros in Oakland to be performance Patrick Hoskins Running out of titles art piece Rampant bros have been Patrick Hoskins meaningless? But I thought an increasingly dangerous Mediocre CS Major they would all apply directly threat to the Carnegie Mellon to a job! So much wasted community in recent years, lit- Today, the infamous com- time! I missed my grand- tering the streets with empty puter science class 15-410 mother’s funeral!” Natty cans and hogging the Operating System Design and Computer science senior machines in the weight room. Implementation revealed Bobby Deserati was relieved. The Pittsburgh Bureau of Ani- it was not a real class at all, “I’m just glad to know that it mal Care & Control hopes to but is instead a performance was all meaningless. Now I rectify this problem with its art project designed to dem- don’t feel like such an idiot new bro-catching program. onstrate the futility of hard for never getting P3 working. Bros were not always a work. I am smart. This was just de- problem on campus; they The class, which tasks stu- signed to make me fail. I hope use to stick to their native dents with creating a Linux 251 is an art project too.” Pitt and Oakland neighbor- kernel over the course of one In CFA, Åström’s work was hoods. However, they have semester, is notorious around rapturously received. “It’s been spreading at an increas- campus for the long work just such a groundbreaking ing rate, infesting several cel- hours, low grades, and emo- piece. He actually got people ebrated Carnegie Mellon fra- tional strain it places on its to work themselves to death ternities. The infestation has students — as was intended with no hope of success. It’s even spread into Beeler Street. by professor David Eckhardt, astounding how long people This spread spurred count- or as he is actually known, will keep banging their heads less calls to Animal Control, Swedish artist Börje Åström. against the wall because they prompting them to institute Photos courtesy of Tim Dorr via flickr and Wikimedia Commons Åström is a professor in think there’s a reason for it,” the new program. “We aim to Two bros successfully captured under the new initiative. They will be taken to a pound until they are adopted. the College of Fine Arts, but sophomore art major John serve the needs of the com- through close cooperation Hatcher explained, whose munity,” explained Animal After being wrangled by a hopes to keep them safe until must be stopped!” with the School of Computer last performance art piece Control spokesman Chad bro-catcher, the bros are taken they are adopted or, should Bros, however, were not Science, he was able to pass involved drinking his own Jones, “and what the com- to a newly built pound. Once the pound be too full, put so enthusiastic about the pro- himself off as a computer urine. munity needs right now is this there, the bros can be adopted down. “Sadly, we are not a gram. “This is, like, another science professor. “It was ac- Still, in light of the contro- bro problem taken care of.” into a loving fraternity, which no-kill shelter,” Jones said. “If way The Man is trying to keep tually quite simple. I merely versy surrounding the piece, The program has been will hopefully reform them we’re too full, or if some bros us down, you feel me? We had to doff my customary be- the art department agreed to adapted from previous suc- and integrate them into nor- are just unadoptable, we have have a perfectly acceptable ret and thick-rimmed glasses, create ethical guidelines for cessful dog-catching pro- mal society. to put them down. It’s tragic, lifestyle, but they’re trying and the transformation was future performance art piec- grams. When Animal Control “We believe reformation but better for the community to outlaw us,” said noted bro complete,” he explained. es, limiting student suffering receives enough complaints will be a great success,” Jones as a whole.” Lance Chesterfield. “What’s “All I had to do was mumble to “Milgram-esque levels.” from a neighborhood, it will said. “I myself am an exam- Members of the commu- wrong with wanting to party? some stuff about pages and Åström will be giving a send a bro-catcher out the ple of a reformed bro. You nity were ecstatic about the With playing pong and pound- threads, and the students lecture Sunday at 7 p.m. in investigate. The catcher will wouldn’t even know I was one program. “My street is crawl- ing Natty? Y’all just jealous of would nod in agreement. It’s Kresge Theatre, where he will then set up several bro-lures, were it not for my first name, ing with bros. They’re always my fly popped collar.” not like they knew anything relate some of his experienc- usually consisting of a beer ‘Chad.’ ” digging through my trash and Should you see any bros either.” es on the project. Of special pong table or some Red Bull The pound features all the trying to convince me to shot- in your neighborhood, the Students’ reactions were interest is his section on those cases. “The bros find these ir- amenities bros find necessary gun beer,” said Beeler resident dedicated bro hotline can be widespread. “I can’t believe that managed to actually suc- resistible,” Jones explained. to survive, including a daily Alan Folds. “I’m going to put reached at 412-FREE-NATTY this,” said computer science ceed in OS, to which Åström “Once their attention is on the Natural Light ration, pong the hotline on speed dial. The (Animal Control hopes some junior Jeremy Odenkirk. could only respond, “They game or chugging Red Bulls, tables, and an Xbox featur- next time I see so much as a bros will accidentally report “You mean all those hours should have spent their time it’s easy enough to bag ‘em ing Call of Duty and Madden. pong ball rolling down the themselves). Operators are of hard work — for nothing? trying to get laid.” and tag ‘em.” In this way, Animal Control street, I’ll call. This menace standing by. All those skills I learned were A PERSON’S OPINION Compiled by Justin McGown The Tartan is feeling particularly sexy today. So we asked, Will you sleep with me?

Amanda Sharma Madeleine Stern Nick Swanson Bartleby Jones My Hand ECE Economics/Statistics Creative Writing Computer Science Biology Junior First-year Graduate student Senior Sophomore

“No.” “Lord no.” “I just threw up a little.” “I’d prefer not to.” “Yes.” A6 « thetartan.org/special The Tartan » April 1, 2013

Corbett to replace PAT with rickshaws Von Ahn sneezes, Google buys tissue for $100 million Daniel Tkacik cations for his used tissues. Farmer, Plaid Enthusiast One possibility is an integra- tion into the Google+ social Google paid $100 million network. “It’s part of a long- yesterday for a tissue alleg- term strategy. We’ll use Face- edly used by Carnegie Mel- book to promote von Ahn’s lon computer science profes- work, and when people see sor Luis von Ahn, who is most what he has made everyone widely known as the founder will join Google+,” Page and creator of the reCAPT- said. CHA Internet application. Many speculate that the “When we received nu- tissue may eventually be sent merous reports that the tis- out to the Scotland-based sue had been placed in a Roslin Institute, which in canister outside of von Ahn’s 1996 cloned the first mam- office, we had to act quickly,” mal—the female sheep “Dol- Google CEO Larry Page told ly.” the Associated Press. Google’s co-founder, Ser- Von Ahn’s reCAPTCHA, gey Brin, declined to com- an online application used to ment. verify that a user is not an In- Prior to Google’s acquisi- ternet bot, brought von Ahn tion of the tissue, rumors had to prominence in the mid- been circulating around the 2000s. Google acquired the Carnegie Mellon community application from von Ahn in that the tissue was actually 2009, and the service is now placed in the canister by a used on popular sites such as passing student, according to Facebook, Ticketmaster, and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Twitter. “We acknowledge the ru- Von Ahn will take the rest mors, but they’re probably Photos by pat via flickr, Nemo’s great uncle A prototype of the proposed rickshaw as it prepares to work on of the more popular bus routes. of the year off to work with not true,” Page said. “Better Google on developing appli- safe than sorry.” Josh Smith tem,” Corbett said. “With rick- is the collaborative effort of improved rickshaw system Extremely Tall shaws, the Port Authority of state legislation and the Port would not face the typical de- Allegheny County will finally Authority Planning and De- lays of a bus trip, “so the total Governor Tom Corbett be able to pull its own weight.” velopment Committee. Port travel time is about the same.” (R-Pa.) announced plans to Corbett summarized the Authority CEO Steve Bland Due to concerns from cur- replace the soon-to-be-cut proposal, with rickshaws and expressed his excitement for rent bus drivers, Bland has Port Authority bus routes with other small wooden pull carts the proposal in a statement. agreed to institute mandatory a new rickshaw service for the being phased into the transit “With a $64 million deficit, weighings of all passengers to city of Pittsburgh last Thurs- system throughout the sum- it’s imperative that we find keep the total rickshaw weight day. The proposal — originally mer. “[The rickshaws] will cost-effective solutions while below 500 pounds. “While we suggested by fifth-year mate- replace buses on the 46 routes continuing to meet the transit recognize that weight dis- rials science and engineering previously scheduled for elim- needs of Pittsburgh,” Bland crimination is a growing prob- and biomedical engineer- ination, addressing the need said. “For years we have been lem, we believe the cost sav- ing double major Matthew for transit in these areas,” looking to Harrisburg to ad- ings to the employee health Biegler — was independently Corbett said. “We aim to fully dress the flaws of how Penn- plan make this a requirement. constructed by Corbett’s staff. integrate the carts into the sylvania funds transit. It feels Chiropractors are expensive.” The announcement comes af- system by early September, in now that we’re finally taking a Corbett attempted to ad- ter months of public concern time for the return of the Pitts- step in the right direction.” dress many additional con- over a dramatic reduction in burgh student population. It Bland addressed concerns cerns that the plan raised. bus service to become effec- may be a long process, but we about travel times, specifi- “While we realize that Pitts- tive Sept. 2, 2013. just need to keep putting one cally for the already hour-long burgh’s infamous hills may

“This is an opportunity to foot in front of the other.” 28X route. Travelers should prove troublesome for rick- Nicole Hamilton/Staff Photographer implement new initiatives to According to Corbett, the now expect a five-hour trip, shaw pullers, uh…” he said. The $100 million tissue, moments before its Google purchase. Google save a struggling transit sys- proposed rickshaw service but Bland was sure that the “Next question.” has not announced what it plans to do with it. Shop owner finds Android tablets sell better as ‘broken iPads’ Will Penman Abernathy finds his exper- “One evening I was closing With this in mind, Aberna- ‘Joe, how’s that broken iPad Tartan because he cares about Juggler by Night iments can affect sales by al- up shop and accidentally put thy tried slapping some spare doing you?’” spreading knowledge. “As most 10 percent. On April 14, one of the Android tablets — Apple stickers onto the tab- Abernathy reports that a sort of scientist, I don’t Marcus Abernathy, 22- however, Abernathy made it was a Transformer — in a lets’ boxes. They flew off the Schneider was actually very want to just sell 300 tablets a year owner of Abernathy the discovery of his career. bin labelled ‘Broken iPads.’ shelves. pleased, and commented month and not reveal my dis- Electronics in Squirrel Hill, “It happened by accident, The next morning, it sold be- Abernathy says that after that iPads “sure have come covery,” he said. “I’ve really made a real discovery last really,” he said. “I had all fore lunchtime.” he sold 23 tablets in three a long way since the one he helped mankind here, and month: No one wants An- these Android tablets and Abernathy was shocked. “I days this way, he began to bought last.” that’s what’s important. May- droid tablets, but they’ll pay I hadn’t sold a single one. knew I had something big,” feel guilty. “I wondered if I Abernathy plans to expand be one day Google will invite good money for a “broken There’s the Transformer he said. was ripping people off,” he his strategy and transforms me over and I can tell them iPad.” Prime, the Slider, the Decep- In the interests of science, said. “Just because I can use Abernathy Electronics into a how they can sell their prod- “I’m always adjusting the ticon, the Sidewipe, the Bum- he decided to try it again. Apple’s brand to sell more knockoff Apple store. “I got ucts a little better. Turns out layout of my store,” Aberna- blebee, and the Galaxy Tab “This time I put a Xoom 2 in doesn’t mean that’s the right the idea reading about those it’s pretty simple­ — you just thy said. “I’m kind of a sci- 8.9, and so on. Nobody uses the ‘Old iPad’ bin. Now, the thing to do.” fake Apple stores in China. I have to pretend to be Apple.” entist that way. Setting the any of them. I tried my usual Xoom 2 is a terrible tablet. So Abernathy began ask- figured ‘if they can do it, why Until then, Abernathy is VCRs above the TVs, or with technique of placing them It gives a little whenever you ing repeat customers what can’t I?’ So I painted the walls satisfied with being the No. 1 the Walkmans, or putting with different merchandise, pick it up, see? And the screen they thought of their tablets. black, put in more windows, retailer of Android tablets in the Microsoft Zunes with the but even that wasn’t work- gets all greasy. It doesn’t even “Joe [Schneider, a regular and hired some hipsters to Pennsylvania. “It’s my secret record players — applying ing.” have 3G.” But again the tablet customer] came in the other be unhelpful. Business shot sauce,” he said, standing next the scientific method to see Abernathy said he started sold within hours when mar- day looking for some bat- through the roof.” to the “Broken iPads” sign what’s best for sales.” to despair. keted as a broken iPad. teries, and I says to him, Abernathy contacted The that started it all. First-year philosophy student disproves induction, awarded prize Patrick Hoskins a PBR instead. And it’s not like where is littered with the bod- Drunken Lout they were out of Natty. I just ies of those who couldn’t han- decided to drink PBR instead. dle it. But there’s a lot of stuff First-year philosophy ma- The prof couldn’t explain that, that needs to be proven again, jor Chad Henderson (or “The and neither could your pre- which means a lot more prize Chadmeister” as he prefers), cious induction.” money coming my way.” stunned the mathematics world Henderson will be hon- Other mathematicians did today when he disproved in- ored for his discovery with not take it as gracefully as duction. the Fields Medal — the high- Angstrom. Professor Eugene “So, like, we talked about est prize given in mathematics Fenderfast plans to start a new induction in my Intro to Phi- reserved for mathematicians branch of mathematics which losophy class, and how it’s all under 40 years old — and a says “Nuh-uh!” and uses in- B.S. and s***, and then the $15,000 prize. At 19, Hender- duction anyway. “I’ll not have professor brought it up in my son is the youngest recipient my work destroyed by an inso- Concepts of Math class. I’m yet. He plans to celebrate his lent whelp!” Fenderfast said, taking that ‘cause I’m smart achievement with a wicked ignoring how much he sound- and well rounded and s*** — rager at the Sigma Phi Epsilon ed like a Scooby-Doo villain. ladies, come at me,” Hender- frat house. No fatties allowed. Henderson will achieve son explained. “See, the pro- As Henderson rages on, doctorates in both philosophy fessor’s all like ‘We’re gonna the math world reels in the and mathematics at gradu- use this to prove a bunch of face of his tremendous discov- ation, and will also serve as cool stuff.’ And I just say, ‘Hold ery. “It’s an exhilarating, and student speaker. “Yeah, I’ve your horses Mr. Math! Induc- terrifying, time,” said Ernest already started working on tion’s not real!’ ” Angstrom, an associate profes- my speech,” he said. “I’m tak- Henderson disproved in- sor of math at the California ing inspiration from those duction through a clever coun- Institute of Technology. “On great 20th-century philoso- terexample. “So every time I the one hand, literally 90 per- phers, Bill and Ted, and tell- go to a party at my frat — go cent of mathematics is now ing everyone to ‘party on.’ Sig Ep! — I always get a Natty. false. Entire careers have been In short, drink Natty, party Patrick Hoskins/Staff Photographer Like clockwork, man. But at destroyed. The land around hard, and treat women with A photo of Henderson’s award-winning proof. our last party, get this, I took mathematics buildings every- respect.” April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/special » A7 Arts & Living Pitt students teach CMU partying, bro course S’n’S Matt Powell-Palm ago we crashed a party in the “College is about getting how to get a dollar sign dol- acquired knowledge. When Broseph basement of Sigma Chi, and your nut,” Brian Winton said. lar sign while maintaining a asked about the intended diffi- debuts were shocked and outraged at “We’re all just trying to gradu- political career, the long-term culty of the course, Dom Win- When questioned about the the state of CMU party affairs. ate. Be in and be out. For the effects of casual alcoholism, ton said it wouldn’t be easy to fundamental purpose of Stu- The floors were clean, the guy- rep. YOLO. Swag. Feel me? you know. Hashtag Gingrich, pass. show dent College (StuCo) courses to-girl ratio was unnervingly Hashtag Cîroc, hashtag Young hashtag MadRespect.” “[The students] are gonna at Carnegie Mellon, StuCo high, and we even ran into one Money.” The theoretical arm of the hit tennis parties, soccer par- Patrick Hoskins Single and Looking, Ladies executive committee mem- girl who was walking around According to Dom Winton, class will include guest lec- ties, archie parties, drama ber Barney Ross stated that with her self-respect show- the class will be divided into tures from campus and com- parties, frat parties, faculty Scotch’n’Soda’s new “imparting useful, thought- ing.” theoretical and applied seg- munity members spanning parties, Chatham parties, the show “Somewhat Dull with provoking, and otherwise un- a variety of topics, including Oakland Central Catholic a Lot of Sex Jokes” pre- available knowledge unto the Jessica Noble’s award-win- Prom, Passover Seders, you miered last week to thun- student populous at large” is a “We’re all just trying to graduate. ning Self-Respect: Park it at name it,” he said. “By the time derous apathy. The show central pillar of the StuCo mis- the Door, Sister and a segment we’re done with these guys, was a startling break from sion statement. “For the 2013 Be in and be out. For the rep. President Jared Cohon is cur- no bro will have to leave a par- the norm, featuring more fall semester,” he said, “we are rently preparing on “the dan- ty without an increased risk of Yolo. Swag. Feel me? Hashtag attempts to be edgy and for the first time trying to ad- gers of not going balls to the liver failure and no chick with- even worse jokes. dress a specific, widely accept- Cîroc, hashtag Young Money.” wall as often as possible be- out a sharp sense of shame and Written by junior Eng- ed student knowledge deficit, fore graduating with a degree objectification. We’re putting lish major Mitch McKay, he and are allowing a pair of non- in civil and environmental en- CMU on the map, bro. Let’s say —Brian Winton said he “wanted to show CMU students to teach a Stu- gineering.” it together, ‘Imma get my nut.’ everyone how self-involved Co entitled “Pop Pop: How to Upperclassman in business at “Students will be encour- Hashtag CMUBarelyBeatOut- Scotch’n’Soda really is. I Party like you go to Pitt.” the University of Pittsburgh aged to discuss the content at TheNavalAcademyOnTheCol- wanted to write something Brothers Dom and Brian the end of each class,” Dom legeProwlerHottnessScale.” with a lot of sex in it, be- Winton, both upperclass stu- Winton said, “and one student cause that’s totally edgy and dents of business at the Uni- The Winton brothers ad- ments. “For the first month each week will have the op- The Winton brothers’ sig- cool. Then I added some versity of Pittsburgh, will co- mitted that they have “liter- or whatever, we’ll take them portunity to give a three- to nature tall white tees can be jokes that only my friends teach a self-authored course ally no respect” for Carnegie back to basics, you know? five-minute presentation on purchased at www.hashtagkit- and I will know.” covering both elementary Mellon, citing the student How to go hard, the signs his or her conception. Hashtag tens.blogspot.com, alongside The director did a great and intermediate party-going populace as “pretentious” and that your shirt is about to be MistakesOfLastSemester.” their best-selling revision of the job of having actors walk on techniques. “deeply, unsettlingly unat- yacked on, what to do when The applied segment of King James Bible. To reserve stage, say their lines, and When asked what inspired tractive,” but also conceded your shirt gets yacked on, both the class will take place Sat- a spot in “Pop Pop” next fall, then walking off. The sets their decision to teach at Carn- that no male college student male and female yack scenari- urday evenings, and will allow please send a blank email to were entirely adequate, and egie Mellon, Brian Winton should have to party in such os, the etymology of the word students to test the practical [email protected]. the lights did a great job of replied, “A couple of months destitute conditions. yack, the origins of “YOLO,” applications of their newly lighting the stage. The high point of the night had to be the rousing musical number “Closet,” in WRCT replaces DJ with schizophrenic, ratings soar which every character came out of the closet, including Anna Walsh online streaming listeners nonstop broadcasts. saying that this was a soup is, like, such a totally radical those who were out of the Hysterical Feminist alone. The reason behind this “He like, kind of wan- kitchen? But he saw the radio and subversively ironic com- closet to begin with. sudden burst in popularity? A dered into the radio station studio and, it was like it was mentary on our society, so “I needed a cheap way The ratings for campus new DJ, Pittsburgh resident last Tuesday,” WRCT general his calling, you know? He told it’s like, mad respect, man. I to manufacture drama and radio station WRCT have Wilhelm “The Dictator” Mar- manager Kitty Salvador ex- me that the station spoke to actually have this amazingly character development,” soared in the past week, with tin, who has quickly garnered plained. “I think he got con- him, which I totally get.” ironic anti-establishment McKay explained, “and a 300 percent increase in its a cult following thanks to his fused because he like, kept Martin, who is instantly quote from his show that I there’s no easier way than recognizable in the station want to get tattooed on my having characters ques- thanks to his mane-like beard forearm — in Helvetica, of tion their sexuality. It really and tinfoil suit, hasn’t left the course.” makes my job easier.” radio station since arriving, Overall, the feedback First-year math major but rather has been broad- from the community about Dan Sherwood played the casting a mix of a personal Martin’s show has been over- lead character, Lance Ga- talk show and musical se- whelmingly positive. “The lahad, who experiences lections consisting of static- Dictator [ITAL]knows[ITAL] an astonishing lack of any filled cassette tapes he claims things, man,” said Barry Low- personal development or are the government’s record- ell, a homeless man who was humor. When asked about ings of his time in the womb. blasting a broadcast of Mar- the play, he raved about “You can’t trust the dogs tin’s show through his stereo everyone’s performances — they whisper all your se- on Forbes Avenue near the — especially his own — be- crets in the night to the rats Cathedral of Learning. “He fore going on to brag about that work in the CIA,” he said tells me all sorts of great s*** how he hadn’t slept once for during an afternoon broad- about how to keep the gov- the past three months of re- cast yesterday. “They only ernment from recording me. hearsal. call me schizo because I know Hey, got any beer on you?” However, not everyone the truth about the particle Senior computer science was so impressed. “I’m not collider and the cheese fac- major Ned Collins agreed that in Scotch’n’Soda, and I’m tory!” the new programming has not currently hitting on The transition to Martin’s been an improvement. “At anyone who is, so I have no nonstop broadcasts hasn’t first, I couldn’t even tell they reason to go to their shows,” been an easy one. “He kinda had a new DJ, because there junior design major Sara was freaked out by the com- was this guy talking about the McNutty explained. “I did puters in the production stu- government over static, and I accidentally wander into dio, because he thought the was pretty sure I’d heard that McConomy for one perfor- CIA or FBI or whatever could on an experimental show on mance right as they started control his brain them,” Sal- the station two months ago,” a song about genital mutila- vador said. “But we put alu- he said. “But then I realized tion. At that point I got out minum foil on them and now that this guy’s hilarious. Me of there as soon as I could.” he’s like, super chill about it.” and my friends actually lis- Overall, the show was a There were also initially ten to WRCT now. We made departure from what you issues with him monopoliz- up this drinking game where expect from Scotch’n’Soda ing air time. “I was kinda you take a drink every time performances. Everyone at peeved at first about him be- he mentions the government, Carnegie Mellon should be ing on the air all the time, be- an appliance singing to him, sure to see “Somewhat Dull cause I’ve got electronic mini- or his conversations with with a Lot of Sex Jokes” mal experimental folk that Goliath. The first time we before they start rehears- the listening public wants to played, I was puking in less ing for next year’s play, hear, you know?” said fellow than an hour. It was totally “Startlingly Mediocre with Photo courtesy of Fred via flickr WRCT DJ Dennison Quaid. awesome.” a Different Amount of Sex The Dictator enjoys listening to his own radio program. “It drowns out the other voices,” he explains. “But The Dictator’s broadcast Jokes.” CMU KGB single-handedly keeps struggling fedora industry afloat Patrick Hoskins one wanted one,” Kirkpatrick fella or that guy from Firefly in Incredibly Handsome said. However, fedoras quickly the coat and they’ll shell out soon fell out of fashion once $500.” Local haberdash Marcus hipsters realized they were un- Senior electrical and com- Kirkpatrick had always been comfortable and only looked puter engineering major Burt on the edge of bankruptcy. good with a suit. Macklin said, “My entire “The fedora industry isn’t But as hipsters stopped wardrobe comes from Kirkpat- what it once was. Back in my buying hats, members of KGB rick’s shop. I have the greatest father’s day, everyone wanted stepped up to take their place. combination of trenchcoats, to look like Humphrey Bogart, Always two steps behind shorts, free T-shirts, and hats and they needed a hat to go trends, KGB has embraced fe- at CMU.” with each suit. But since then doras with unyielding verve. Considered a trendsetter in fewer and fewer people have “The hat covers up how greasy KGB, Macklin has created his wanted fedoras,” he said. my hair is, so I can go even lon- own unique look, despite the However, Kirkpatrick has ger without showering,” soph- protestations of everyone who received help from an unlikely omore computer science ma- has to look at him. source: KGB. jor Reese Manderly explained. Kirkpatrick is hopeful for Kirkpatrick traces the re- Kirkpatrick was initially the future of his business. cent upsurge in fedora sales to flummoxed by these new cus- “I’m not going to sit idly by the premiere of Mad Men six tomers, but recognized an any more,” he said. “I’m go- years ago, which caused many opportunity when he saw it. ing to take my money and ex- hipsters to purchase fedoras. “I expanded my offerings to pand even more, this time into “Mad Men was the start of include really long scarves cloaks. KGB has already preor- a new golden age in haber- and trenchcoats. That way if dered forty of them. When the dashery. Fedoras were sud- someone’s on the fence I can next Hobbit movie comes out, Photo courtesy of puuikibeach via flickr denly cool again, and every- say they look like that Dr. Who I’ll be rolling in dough.” Another satisfied customer walks out of Kirkpatrick’s shop, eager to embarrass himself to the world. A8 « thetartan.org/special The Tartan » April 1, 2013

Magic: The Gathering club disbanded after doping scandal Evan Kahn After years of experimenting mana-bolics helping me read Yes, that’s his card in the with methods of enhancing my opponent’s play style and picture his game, Mosswater became deck substance, I can counter obsessed with the idea of a anything important he does The heart of the cards one-turn win. then use Jace to deck him,” means nothing to a hardcore “It turns out that pulling Umezawa said. Magic: The Gathering (MTG) a gun on your opponent to A day after the club offi- player — and this seems es- make them concede is illegal, cially disbanded, Mosswater pecially true at Carnegie even though the MTG hand- was sent to a holding facil- Mellon. Intramural officials book doesn’t say anything ity, and government officials forcibly disbanded the uni- about it,” Mosswater said, arrived on campus to confis- versity’s MTG club last week, referring to an incident at a cate any and all remaining due to across-the-board dop- 2011 tournament in Sweden. samples of the mana-bolics. ing. Every member of the Wizards of the Coast, the “The implications for interro- club, which competed inter- company that owns Magic: gation and scientific progress nationally, admitted to hav- The Gathering, banned Moss- with this drug are immense ing used or was in possession water from casual and tour- and unfathomable,” said as- of performance enhancers. nament play for a year. sociate chemistry professor “Some of us went to ex- In that time, Mosswater Draco Niv-Mizzet. “And these tremes — which was prob- — a chemistry major — de- little assholes wanted to keep ably how those idiots got veloped a compound that it to themselves so they could caught — but most of us just enhances playing ability. cheat at their children’s card marked our cards somehow,” According to club member game. Really cool, guys. Way said club member senior Ak- sophomore Toshiro Umeza- to go.” roma Mackenzie. “I person- wa, who actively used the When asked about the ally use different scents of drug, it heightens awareness club’s future, Mosswater perfume and cologne to get about the opponent’s micro- shrugged. “I don’t really care, the cards I need to the top expressions, and simultane- honestly. Toshi will probably of my deck after shuffling. ously makes the player more take it over,” he said, picking It worked for Mai Valentine perceptive of “combos” be- his nose. “I’m more focused from Yu-Gi-Oh, and it works tween different cards. Moss- on starting a new club at for me.” water calls it a “mana-bolic the county jail, where I’ll be Club president, senior steroid.” spending most of my time Roark Mosswater — known “It’s the perfect playing- for the next 15 years. People by friends and fans as Romo card steroid. I usually run a have surprisingly little to do Photo illustration by Evan Kahn — went to such extremes. mono-blue control, so with there.” The tools of a Magic champion, including the banned drugs.

CIA puts down buggy pusher CMU, Hunger Games partner up Josh Smith a survival competition may Pinterest. I even skipped a Really more of a Twilight fan be possible through outside meal once. It was accidental, with badly sprained ankle institutions or advertising but it shows I’m prepared.” After the success and proceeds. Central Catholic senior josh smith unable to compete due to a ficially recognized affiliate of popularity of Quidditch at At Carnegie Mellon, stu- Joseph Gale is sure he’ll Only sports enthusiast growth spurt. PETA, who said in a statement Carnegie Mellon, President dents are expected to work come out on top. “I’ve been Patrick Hoskins “Forcing these competitors that they don’t support “lost Jared Cohon announced playing Halo for years, I Only “funny” person to continue living while not causes.” the inclusion of the Hunger don’t think fighting to death being able to race in Buggy Despite PETBC’s best ef- Games in Carnegie Mellon’s “An adolescent should be any harder than Plans went into motion is inhumane,” Sweepstakes fort, the Buggy status quo intramural sports, following bloodbath pwning noobs. You know yesterday to put down ju- chair Nikhil Valjee said. “It’s will continue as usual. “Look, the trend of sports based on that guy who brags about do- nior CIA buggy pusher Oliver regrettable, but necessary.” I love buggy as much as the children’s literature. would really ing your mom? Yeah, that’s Bellafonte. Bellafonte had Still, the decision was met next guy, and I know how “The novels have been ex- me. Attention high school- sprained his ankle during rolls met with much controversy. much these competitors love tremely popular with people help bring some ers, get ready to have your early Saturday morning, leav- People for the Ethical Treat- it. If they can’t race, then they of all ages, and the first movie festivity to a**** kicked.” ing him incapable of pushing ment of Buggy Competitors don’t even want to keep on made my grandchildren have Current Carnegie Mellon for Buggy, among other ac- (PETBC) will be staging a living,” Meyer said. “Buggy is conniptions — with joy, of CMU.” students have mixed feelings tivities such as walking. protest on Frew Street. PET- just as great and valid a sport course,” Cohon said. “Carn- on the announcement. Sarah CIA chair Donald Meyer BC president Leslie Steinfeld as horse — or even chariot — egie Mellon is dedicated to —Sarah Welch, Welch, a junior chemical en- said that the organization issued a statement, saying, racing. If it was good enough innovation, and this seems gineering major, loves the came to the decision to put “Putting down a buggy pusher for the Roman Colosseum, like the perfect opportunity Junior idea. “People always com- down Bellafonte after much of a mild injury is inhumane it’s good enough for Carnegie to implement these exciting, plain that nothing exciting deliberation. “Bellafonte has and unethical. Buggy compet- Mellon.” masochistic games.” themselves to death. goes on around campus. An been with us for quite a few itors should be treated with When asked for a state- The games will involve Since [ital]The Hunger adolescent bloodbath would seasons now, and we sure the dignity they deserve!” ment, Bellafonte’s family the recruitment of local high Games[ital] book series de- really help bring some festiv- have grown fond of him. But PETBC, a PETA offshoot, is said, “It’s for the best. All the school and middle school buted in 2008, higher school- ity to CMU,” she said this is no way to live, not be- well known within the Buggy boy cared about was Buggy. students as tributes in a bat- ers have been studying ob- Kyle Dorian, first-year ing able to push anymore. community. “They’ve been He was dead as soon as he tle to the death. Two students sessively. “I have wanted to statistics major, feels differ- We’re obligated to put him plaguing us for years,” Valjee sprained that ankle.” per school district will be of- be Katniss my whole life,” ently. “I think it’s unfair. We out of his misery,” he said. said. “Every time we make CIA still plans to compete, fered up. The winner will re- exclaimed a local sophomore had to study for weeks for Buggy competitor eutha- pushers practice early in the stating that its deep stable ceive admittance into Carn- who would only identify SATs, score fives on all of the nasia is not entirely uncom- morning, or bind driver’s feet of pushers will be more than egie Mellon (as well as his or herself as Katniss Everdeen. AP tests, and write countless mon. Sophomore Fringe so they stay small, PETBC enough to propel them to vic- her life). No scholarship will “I’ve been training for ages: application essays for just driver Ashley Higgens was is there, protesting all the tory. be awarded, although finan- reblogging movie clips, read- the chance to get into CMU,” put down in 2009 after being while.” PETBC is not an of- cial recognition for extraor- ing the books again, liking Dorian said. “The tributes dinary accomplishment in Hunger Games pictures on will have it too easy.” feature photo Tebow renounces Tartans win Super Bowl, no one shows up faith after season playing with Jets Josh Smith Manning, who was acquired Editor-in-chief, but I didn’t by the Denver Broncos and vote for him replaced Tebow. Carl Glazer The state of New Jer- I don’t know who this is sey released a formal re- sponse to Tebow’s loss of While initially excited faith. “Yeah, well, he don’t to be acquired by the New believe in God no more York Jets, after one season or something, right? If he quarterback Tim Tebow has thinks that his time here in renounced his faith. “If God the great state of New Jer- were real, he would not sey has been some kinda have sent me to New Jer- punishment or something, sey,” Tebow said at a recent screw ’em,” New Jersey press conference. said. “He’s got some nerve, The announcement I’m tellin ya.” came as a surprise to fel- New Jersey garbage man low players and the legions Sal Romano was not sur- of Tebow fans. The young prised by Tebow’s loss of quarterback became fa- faith. “Hey, it’s Jersey. The mous for his string of wins only God we pray to is Bruce in his second year with the f****** Springsteen.” Denver Broncos, as well as Tebow’s many fans are his outward expressions of left wondering what is to faith on and off the field. become of his career. The The rising quarterback young quarterback often at- star repeated the phrase tributed his prowess on the “God is dead,” numerous field to the omnipotent be- times throughout the con- ing. Will Tebow’s athiestic ference. “Either that, or the conversion affect his first devil is alive and well in down conversions? Will he Photo courtesy of Joelk75 via flickr Denver,” Tebow said, refer- finally stop kneeling every- The stadium where the Tartans achieved their startling Super Bowl win. Startling for the lack of fans, surprise victory, and the fact that the Super ring to former Indianapolis where? Only time will tell. Bowl is for professional football, not college, and that it happened in February. Colts quarterback Peyton Opposing viewpoints debate Track and field victorious at MFA students display their Internet activism • B6 first home invite• B8 works at Miller Gallery • C8 FORUM SPORTS PILLBOX

thetartan.org @thetartan April 1, 2013 Volume 107, Issue 22 Carnegie Mellon’s student newspaper since 1906 Beta Theta Pi suspended over sexually explicit recordings Jackson Lane ter of the national Beta Theta quially referred to by students nization and shared by email sity states that it will pursue ture of any alleged community Senior Staffwriter Pi fraternity. The university as “Beta.” with other members [of the internal disciplinary actions standards violations or legal is also investigating whether According to Casalegno, fraternity].” against the fraternity and its infractions. Rather, Casalegno In an email to the entire these alleged videos and pic- University Police initiated In a press release on the members if they are found to emphasized, “The investiga- campus community sent last tures will constitute a viola- the ongoing investigation af- school’s website, the univer- have violated the university’s tion is ongoing, and we do not Friday, Dean of Student Affairs tion of the university’s com- ter an anonymous student sity stated, “CMU’s top prior- community standards. The yet know the circumstances of Gina Casalegno announced munity standards or the law. raised concerns about “al- ity is the safety, security, and university also intends to re- the capturing or the sharing of that the university is investi- Pending the outcome of the leged videos and pictures of well-being of our community. fer any evidence of criminal images or precisely what vio- gating allegations regarding investigation, both the uni- a sexual nature being taken Carnegie Mellon does not con- wrongdoing to law enforce- lations of University policy or the filming and circulation of versity and the fraternity’s na- inside the chapter facility of done nor tolerate violations of ment officials. the law may have taken place.” sexually explicit photos and tional chapter have suspended the Beta Theta Pi fraternity by university community stan- The university has not yet videos in the university’s chap- the university’s chapter, collo- certain members of the orga- dards or the law.” The univer- elaborated on the exact na- See BETA, B3 Sparse attendance feature photo at election debates Five-alarm fire blazes through Oakland brian trimboli Healy and Jones’ platform is Assistant News Editor the spreading of school spirit. “We already have a great Candidates for student athletics program in place, body president (SBP), stu- and it’s just a matter of stu- dent body vice president dents knowing when these (SBVP), student body vice events are taking place,” president of finance (SB- Jones said. VPF), and student body vice The second part of the president of organizations presidential and vice presi- (SBVPO) responded to ques- dential debate began with a tions about their platforms question about Carnegie Mel- in Monday’s and Tuesday’s lon’s campus culture: “How student government election do you see the student body debates. The president and president’s role in addressing vice presidential debate, held stress culture and how would on Monday in McConomy you address it if elected?” Auditorium, featured Lindsay Healy emphasized the role MacGillivray, a junior biol- of the student body president ogy and psychology major, as implementing ideas, rather and Peter Masters, a sopho- than coming up with them. more international relations “We’re not going to be the and politics and environ- ones who come up with the mental policy double major, ideas of how to cure every against Thomas Healy, a ju- problem at Carnegie Mellon; nior mechanical engineering we’re two students within and engineering and public this university. I think the

Photo courtesy of Casey Patterson A five-alarm fire broke out in a central Oakland apartment building last Friday morning, displacing over two dozen residents, many of whom were college students. It was determined that an electrical problem in one of the basement apartments caused the blaze. PayTango dances its way to success Lauren williams must swipe their card as takes only a few seconds. did not originally think their Staffwriter their fingers are placed on Although he does not yet idea would turn in to a full- the scanner. use PayTango, sophomore fledged business. Four Carnegie Mellon se- It takes around 10–15 sec- mechanical engineering ma- According to Lau-Kee, niors launched PayTango, a onds to associate the card jor Michael O’Connor said, the first time they consid- fingerprint-based payment data with the person’s bio- “This seems like an amazing ered starting a company was method that eliminates the metric data. technology that will make when they participated in need for identification and Then, when that person my life much easier and that the University of Pennsylva- debit cards. Senior informa- returns, they can use their will protect people’s financial nia PennApps hackathon, the tion systems majors Brian card by simply scanning their information.” largest college hackathon in Groudan, Umang Patel, and fingerprints, a process that The PayTango founders the world. Christian Reyes, and senior Groudan, Patel, and Reyes Josh Smith/Editor-in-Chief human-computer interaction attended the hackathon and Student body president and vice presidential candidates Thomas and industrial design double built the device using only Healy with Caitlin Jones (top) and Lindsay MacGillivray with Peter major Kelly Lau-Kee devel- an iPad, a fingerprint reader, Masters (bottom) debate in McConomy Auditorium last Monday. oped PayTango in the Tech and a magnetic card reader. Startup Lab course taught by The product was demoed policy double major, and university itself and the staff computer science assistant and received recognition and Caitlin Jones, a junior busi- of the university are going to professor Luis von Ahn in fall multiple awards, demon- ness administration major. come up with those ideas…. 2012. strating its viability. The audience for the debate Our main role is going to be Groudan, Lau-Kee, Patel, PayTango has come far was sparse; fewer than 20 backing [the administration] and Reyes effectively com- since the PennApps hack- of McConomy’s seats were up on their initiatives.” bined their talents to search athon. Last Tuesday, the filled. MacGillivray continued for a solution to a universal company graduated from Y In addition to represent- the theme of carrying out problem: People have to car- Combinator, an incubator ing the student body’s wishes proposed ideas by addressing ry around too many cards. program in Mountain View, in their decision-making, the the perspective of students, Credit cards can be lost, card California that supports the positions eligible for election saying, “I do feel like the numbers can be stolen, and development of entrepre- play an instrumental role in student body needs to feel it can be a hassle to pull out neurial companies. dictating the functioning of empowered to speak up for a card while holding a cup After successfully com- crucial student government themselves and to say ‘this is brimming with hot coffee. pleting the three-month organizations including the something I want to take on; They invented a much program along with 46 Joint Funding Committee these are the ways in which easier method of payment other businesses, Groudan, (JFC) and Committee on Stu- my impact could really help that uses fingerprints instead Lau-Kee, Patel, and Reyes dent Organizations (CoSO). campus.’ ” of cards. demoed PayTango in front The debate began with After the debate, some on- “Biometrics was a really of more than 500 investors, questions asked every year, lookers thought that the can- good way for us to explore including many prominent including “What do you be- didates lacked specificity. how to eliminate the need Silicon Valley entities. lieve is the most important “They didn’t address spe- to carry around extra ‘stuff’ “We’re still amazed that role of student government?” cifics; when they answered to identify yourself. And we’ve gotten this far,” Lau- and “An issue each year is my question they basically that’s kind of the vision that Kee said. how to make student govern- both said that they were go- we have moving forward, is The business is currently ment more approachable to ing to hold a bunch of meet- that through the use of bio- going through its first round the general campus, and to ings,” said senior economics metrics, we can strengthen of funding. Additionally, generate a sense of transpar- major Bryan Wade. the security to verify that a PayTango has been installed ency — would you say that Amy Quispe, a senior com- person is [who they say they at multiple dining locations this year’s student govern- puter science major who ran are]…. There are a lot of ap- within Carnegie Mellon, in- ment has done a good job for student body president plications,” Lau-Kee said. cluding The Underground, at generating that sense of last year with Wade, agreed. PayTango allows people Skibo Café, and the Ex- transparency and being ap- “I was thoroughly unim- to pay using two fingerprints. change. proachable?” The first time someone en- An important part of See DEBATES, B3 Kate Groschner/Photo Editor rolls with the system, they A PayTango station being used by a customer at The Exchange. See PAYTANGO, B3 B2 « thetartan.org/news The Tartan » April 1, 2013 feature photo news in brief Sexual assault rally hosted at Fence CMU students win energy competition Seven multidisciplinary practical problem-solving, Carnegie Mellon students interdisciplinary approach took first place in a Depart- that is the culture at Carn- ment of Energy competition egie Mellon shines through,” against 14 university teams said team adviser and head of to create strategies that cut Carnegie Mellon’s School of energy waste and improve ef- Architecture Stephen R. Lee. ficiency among commercial “The jury was particularly buildings. impressed with the sophisti- The Carnegie Mellon cation of the computer-based team received the “Most In- performance simulation of novative” award for its entry, the cases done by the School which strives to increase en- of Architecture students in ergy efficiency in commercial the Center for Building Per- and industrial buildings in formance and Diagnostics.” Fort Worth, Texas by the year “This is wonderful recog- 2020. The team also won nition for our CMU students “Best Proposal” for its “Every- as they use skills and experi- thing Store” case study. ence in a wide range of disci- Team members include plines from engineering and electrical and computer engi- finance to urban planning neering master’s student Jie and public policy,” said M. Yee Chan; architecture Ph.D. Granger Morgan, head of the students Adrian Chong and EPP program and director of Chao Ding; business master’s Carnegie Mellon’s Scott Insti- student Donald Johnson; and tute for Energy Innovation. engineering and public policy Other universities that (EPP) Ph.D. candidates Alan competed in the competition Jenn, Mili-Ann Tamayao, and include the Massachusetts Allison Weis. Institute of Technology, the “The team was up against University of California, San- some challenging competi- ta Barbara, the University of tion, and this is where the Chicago, and Yale University.

Students to test innovative paper airplane

Carnegie Mellon stu- to better understand aerody- dents in the mechanical namics and to focus atten- engineering and civil and tion on the environment in environmental engineering which we work and play,” departments will have the said Jayon Wang, a senior opportunity to test fly the mechanical engineering ma- world’s most innovative pa- jor and the leader of Carn- per aircraft, built by Guin- egie Mellon’s chapter of the ness World Record paper- American Institute of Aero- airplane flyer John Collins nautics and Astronautics. at the Steinbrenner Institute The Steinbrenner Insti- Environmental Expo. tute Environmental Expo Collins will usher in the will be held on April 24 from second annual Steinbrenner 4–6 p.m. in Rangos 2 and 3 Institute Environmental in the University Center. The Expo with elaborate demos event showcases the best of flying machines made out environmental research and of paper. Collins’ designs sustainability projects occur- sprout from the ancient art ring across Carnegie Mel- of origami, and he works to lon’s campus. create the most sleek, aero- dynamic airplanes. “These exciting paper air- Compiled by plane demos are a great way Noël Um

Weather

Jonathan Leung/Assistant Photo Editor Tsue day Wns ed e day T hursday Student organization Got Consent? hosted Take Back the Night, a sexual assault awareness rally, at the Fence last Thursday. Students and outside High / Low High / Low High / Low speakers gave talks about sexual assault prevention and their own personal experiences to help raise awareness about the realities of sexual assault. 39 / 29 40 / 30 52 / 40 Campus Crime & Incident Reports Armed Robbery Assisting an Outside dent stated that he left his Theft March 23, 2013 Agency (Noise Complaint) backpack unattended at ap- March 28, 2013 March 24, 2013 proximately 3 p.m. inside the University Police were room. The student returned University Police were con- summoned to take a report University Police assisted 30 minutes later to find the tacted after a graduate stu- of an armed robbery. A stu- the Pittsburgh Police in han- backpack missing. dent’s laptop was taken from Friday S aturday Sunday dent stated that while leaving dling a noise complaint at her seventh-floor Wean Hall High / Low High / Low High / Low a party on Wilkins Avenue, a 5324 Beeler St. The residence desk. The laptop was said to 47 / 37 56 / 45 56 / 47 black male in a silver sedan was cited by city police for a Odor of Marijuana have been taken any time in pulled alongside the sidewalk violation of the city ordinance March 26, 2013 the five days following March Source: www.weather.com and offered the student a ride related to “noise complaints.” 22. A police investigation is The police were summoned back to campus. While inside the residence, of- ongoing to the third floor of the Resi- Corrections & Clarifications Due to the student being ficers confiscated a street sign dence on Fifth in reference to intoxicated, he only recalled that was unlawfully removed an odor of marijuana. Univer- Defiant Trespass various parts of his encounter from the area near the Col- If you would like to submit a correction or clarification, sity Police made contact with March 28, 2013 with this unknown male. The laborative Innovation Center please email The Tartan at [email protected] or two individuals who were in student does remember the garage entrance off Bound- [email protected] with your inquiry, as well as the possession and were smok- University Police were male pulling out a handgun ary Street. Additional charges date of the issue and the name of the article. We will ing marijuana in their friend’s summoned to the Greek Quad and ordering him to hand over may be filed. print the correction or clarification in the next print room. Both individuals and for reports made of a male all of his personal belongings. issue and publish it online. the student who permitted taking pictures of various so- The unknown male then rority buildings. The police ordered the student out of the Theft the individuals to smoke mari- juana in the room were cited arrived and detained the male vehicle. This investigation is March 25, 2013 until he was properly identi- ongoing. for disorderly conduct. University Police were fied. The male was issued a summoned to the Peter Room defiant trespass letter, ban- at the University Center to ning him from any Carnegie take a theft report. The stu- Mellon property. student senate meeting minutes Arts Pass Program Elections Board bylaw changes T able sharing Chair Report Communications proposal After a presentation Student Body President vidual being $25. As part of an initiative The Chair Report to the As part of the Senate from a member of the Stu- Will Weiner addressed the Additionally, the value designed to address over- Student Senate addressed With You outreach event, dent Activities office, the Senate regarding proposed of items used in a campaign crowding in spaces such as meetings held with busi- there are plans to erect a Senate discussed and voted changes to the student body are also counted against this the University Center and ness owners on Craig Street. large advertising balloon on upon funding for the Arts election bylaws. $500 total, so that individu- Tazza D’Oro, Student Sen- There is a proposed Town campus April 8–10, and for Pass program. Student Ac- The changes proposed als with special connections ate installed signs that can be Hall meeting, to be held students to sign the balloon tivities is now in its second ensure that students running on the pricing of items do not placed on a table that occu- with businesses on Craig with what their dreams are. year of collecting data on for student body president of- gain an unfair advantage. pants are willing to share with Street, to address Carnegie The balloon will be inflated use of the Arts Pass pro- ficially have a vice presiden- someone else. This program is Mellon’s changing culture and left on the CFA lawn gram, and encouraged Stu- tial candidate on their ticket; designed to maximize seating and the possibilities for in- until final exams. dent Senate to continue its and that campaign spending and avoid situations in which corporating Craig Street as a funding. Student Senate is limited to $500, with the large tables are occupied by social area for the Carnegie voted to fund the Arts Pass maximum value of an item only one person each. Mellon community. program for $18,000. that can be given to an indi- Compiled by Brent Heard April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/news » B3 Plagiarism service solicits students Beta suspended Alvin Mathew he wouldn’t do it himself, but new website, and some feel website created by iPara- Staffwriter he doesn’t mind it. “The kids it’s a phishing site while oth- digms. over sex scandal don’t learn anything in the ers think it’s a homework site. Hippensteel does admit A website called Lash- end — but it’s their choice. Let But we felt there was enough that there may be stressed, zone, which functions as a them do what they want,” he discussion that we decided to desperate, or lazy students paper mill service, recently said. let faculty know. Lashzone is who would attempt to use the sent a number of emails Alternatively, Je-Hoon Oh, certainly not the only online website to their advantage, to Carnegie Mel- a first-year chemistry major, paper mill out there.” which is a concern. lon students. had trouble understanding Hippensteel notes that Hippensteel also notes that The university why students would par- Coastal Carolina Univer- Carnegie Mellon is looking to staff and admin- take in a paper mill sity has a website update its academic integrity istration views program. “Why that keeps track policy. these emails would stu- of paper mills, “The current policy was as threats to dents want with over 250 last revised in 1990, so it’s academic to copy long overdue. It came out of a integri- someone conversation from faculty sen- ty. They else’s work, ate, and thanks to students, also especially in we had a chance to look at the coincide this age?” Oh policy in March.” The changes with the asked. look to clarify the current pol- university’s Ox- icy and make it clearer. current at- f o r d Currently, the policy focus- tempt to es on the issues of cheating update its and plagiarism. However, policy on the major change adopted academic by the new policy would integrity. be to clearly list “unau- Accord- thorized assistance” — ing to Lash- such as services offered by zone’s website, Lashzone — with the current the service offers two categories. Although un- “professional assis- University stu- authorized assistance is cur- tance on post-second- dents received rently covered in the current ary homework, assignments, similar emails in policy, the new policy would Jackson Lane/Junior Photographer essays, lab reports, assign- January, with student make it clear to students that The Carnegie Mellon chapter of Beta Theta Pi has been suspended. ment revision...etc.” Students responses akin to Oh’s. already collaboration is not permis- wishing to spend money for “I wouldn’t use it — my prose identified and sible unless students are ex- BETA, from B1 March 26, saying that Beta the site’s services would send style is weird and identifi- located. She also feels that, plicitly given permission by should “expect criminal al- their assignments to the web- able, and I also quite like my besides being morally wrong their instructors. Using things Nevertheless, in an email legations along the lines of following Casalegno’s an- sexual assault, and possibly site, prepare for another ma- degree,” one Oxford first-year Annette Ko/Art Editor like cell phones, cheat sheets, jor event like a test during the said. “But I fully encourage its and outside help would there- nouncement, Carnegie distributing sexual content week, and then simply receive proliferation on the basis that fore not be allowed unless the Mellon President Jared Co- involving a minor.” the requested, completed as- the ‘yoof’ who do use it are to use, sites like Lashzone professor permitted. hon expressed that he was Casalegno, in an email to signment in a reply email be- more likely to get caught. And offer a risky proposition for “It’s about honest commu- “shocked and deeply disap- the student body, urged “any- fore the due date. I am basically a pretty spiteful students. There is no guaran- nication,” Hippensteel said. pointed when [he] learned one with related concerns or Holly Hippensteel, dean of person.” tee — besides the site’s own “And if you are unsure about about these allegations.” He questions to speak to [her] or student affairs, notes that al- Although it is unknown pledge — that it does not copy a professor’s policies, you can further stated, “These al- to University Police directly.” though multiple students for- whether Lashzone is truly and paste the same answers just ask professors and you’ll leged activities are wholly “The concern raised and warded the Lashzone emails, a homework site or just a for different students’ assign- get an answer. Students can inconsistent with our values the focus of our investiga- “We don’t know how many phishing site aimed to scam ments, which would be pla- also go online and see the and will not be tolerated.” tion is on the taking and students were contacted.” students, students and ad- giarism by definition. policy.” Casalegno’s announce- sharing of images. We will Student reaction to the so- ministration have concerns “The idea of using a paper ment does not come as news be reaching out to anyone licitation from Lashzone was about Lashzone. According mill is probably risky in the to some students. Prior to Ca- whom we believe may have mixed. First-year electrical to Hippensteel, “The emails age of Turnitin,” Hippensteel salegno’s email on Friday, se- any information that would and computer engineering were provocative, which got said. Turnitin is a plagiarism nior industrial design major be relevant to this investiga- major Taimoor Chatoor says our attention. It’s a relatively detection and prevention Maureen Griswold posted, tion. And, important to note, “If you don’t know what this that if ever anyone has infor- is referring to, women were mation about this matter or raped at Beta and evidence more serious issues related was found supporting it,” in to this investigation or oth- Debates leave students wanting details response to an anonymous erwise, I urge him or her to post on the CMU Confessions come forward,” Casalegno DEBATES, from B1 Potea advocated for a tion major Susanna Park, and are on the ‘where is the but- Facebook page about the sus- added. more transparent approach, sophomore mathematics and ton for’ level; people just don’t pension of the fraternity. Neither the national Beta pressed with the candidates. keeping the JFC and SBVPF economics double major Rad- know how to operate the sys- On the anonymous frater- Theta Pi fraternity nor Carn- They did a very good job of re- in constant communication owan Khan. tem,” she said. nity and sorority rating site engie Mellon’s local chapter iterating how they were going with other key figures like the The Bridge, a website for To alleviate this issue, greekrank.com, a user by the could be reached for com- to crowd source student ideas, Student Senate and Graduate campus organizations, was an Rockoff recommends “very name of “Shame” posted on ment. and then find other students Students Association’s (GSA) important part of the SBVPO detailed, but still at the basic to implement these ideas for finance chairs. debate. Candidates all empha- level, how-to guides—quick them, and then take credit.” “One thing I would like to sized its utility when answer- questions and answers, most commonly asked questions.” “The Bridge is a huge thing Campus installs that’s happening right now that works directly with the SBVPO; it seems like that’s PayTango devices sort of the next step they can take to improve the work the PAYTANGO, from B1 the control of it, that other SBVPO does, because it’s a people might have access to resource that is meant specifi- A few hundred students their information, how safe cally for organizations on our already use PayTango, and is it to actually use.” campus,” said MacGillivray, the device has had, accord- The PayTango team is who attended the debate. ing to Lau-Kee, “really good working to address and Andrew Schwartz, a soph- reception.” counter student concerns. omore information systems Lau-Kee continued, “Uni- They are also planning major and Student Senate versities are a great place for to branch into other uni- Josh Smith/Editor-in-Chief sergeant at arms, considered us, because where we can versities and venues such as The two tickets for student body president and vice president engaged in a discussion about campus issues. what each candidate had to deliver the most value is in gyms, restaurants, and con- offer the position of SBVPO. these very tight ecosystems venience stores. “I think that tends to hap- do is work with either the fi- ing the question, “How will “I think Corinne has a and networks. Here, you use Lau-Kee is the only Pay- pen in these debates and in nance chairs to just make sure you ensure student organiza- deeper knowledge of the one single ID card to pay for Tango founder still taking these large elections: The that the JFC’s rationale, their tion leaders use The Bridge to overall student body, and I’m everything, to get into your classes at the Carnegie Mel- platforms are generally very reasoning is supplied to them its full potential, and how will not sure how that perspective dorm…. It’s great for us to lon Pittsburgh campus. She, broad pictures,” said Anshul in detail…. I think it’s impor- you use The Bridge to help would affect CoSO but I’m in- develop the product and as well as Groudan, Patel, Dhankher, a junior chemical tant to make sure the reason- student organizations?” terested in finding out. I think fine tune it in a controlled and Reyes, plan to continue and biomedical engineering ing the JFC used to budget a All of the candidates that Radowan has a very deep setting.” their development of Pay- double major. certain way, to make sure that agreed that many organiza- understanding of the way Lauren Hartman, a ju- Tango post-graduation. Dhankher also emphasized that knowledge is available,” tion leaders and students were CoSO operates, so I think that nior communication de- “Our plans are pretty the importance of experience he said. not fully aware of the Bridge’s also makes a very interesting sign major and cashier at much to run with this as for presidential and vice presi- Swanson, too, advocated purpose. dynamic.” the Exchange, said, “There far as we can go. The great dential candidates. “I would increased communication be- “I think people still don’t Students can vote for can- have been mixed responses thing is, we’re so young. We say that Lindsay and Peter’s tween various heads of stu- know what Bridge actually didates as well as view their to PayTango; most of them don’t have as much at stake side — both sides have great dent government. is, and what Bridge actually submitted platforms online at have been positive. A lot of as if, say, we were 30 years experience — was a little “I also think continuing does,” Park said. Park advo- stugov.andrew.cmu.edu un- people think it’s really cool, old. Over the summer we’re more specific in terms of con- with the office hours between cated meeting with organi- til Tuesday. All three debates other people have been more going to go out to the Valley crete ideas and experience in the SBVPF and the SBVPO zation leaders to show them are also available for online cynical, thinking, ‘Oh, it’s and develop this even fur- student government. Espe- is important, because we do how to use The Bridge and streaming by cmuTV. kind of big brother-ish.’ It’s ther,” Lau-Kee said. cially on Peter’s side, with JFC overlap in a lot of areas,” he providing online guides on and CoSO, that [experience said. “It’s going to be very Carnegie Mellon’s website. is] almost necessary to have, close; both of them have Park, a Computing at Carn- going forward.” strong platforms and strong egie Mellon (C@CM) teach- Tuesday’s debates for SB- ideas. It’s going to be about ing assistant, also suggested VPF and SBVPO, held in Ran- who can muster the most sup- incorporating The Bridge into gos Hall, had even fewer at- port,” said Vivek Nair, a junior C@CM’s curriculum. tendees than Monday’s. electrical and computer engi- “I think it’s incredibly es- The first debate, for SBVPF, neering major and member of sential that students are was between Joshua Swan- Student Senate. aware of The Bridge and un- son, a sophomore psychology “It’s going to be interest- derstand how to use it; it’s and statistics double major, ing because last year it was an especially important now that and Jaden Potea, a sophomore uncontested position. The fact a lot of important administra- statistics major. remains that the platform for tive functions are being done Several debate questions SBVPF doesn’t have that much through The Bridge,” Khan asked the candidates about flexibility. How they can dif- said. how they would strengthen ferentiate themselves from Rockoff agreed that the communication among stu- that description is what’ll de- Bridge was severely under- dent organization leaders, fine this election,” Nair said. utilized, mostly because orga- other branches of student gov- The debate for SBVPO nization leaders don’t know ernment, and the JFC, which included junior psychology how to use it. allocates money for organiza- major Corinne Rockoff, soph- “A lot of the questions tions’ budgets. omore business administra- about The Bridge at present B4 « thetartan.org/scitech The Tartan » April 1, 2013

Majidi receives award to continue work on soft robotics Ligia Nistor a need for materials that are could potentially be used to Staffwriter able to harvest energy from help power artificial muscles their environment. The pur- and soft robot actuators. This Assistant professor of me- pose of the Air Force award is energy harvesting could also chanical engineering Carmel to produce new classes of elas- be used for producing electric- Majidi recently won an award tomers that can convert elastic ity to power the on-board sen- from the Air Force Office of deformation into electricity. sors, electronic switches, and Scientific Research (AFOSR) When the soft robots move in different circuit elements in Young Investigator Program. an environment, they undergo the soft robot. The award comes with a large elastic deformations and “The field of soft robotics $360,000 grant that will be collide with the surrounding is relatively new, but some of used in part to fund a Ph.D. surfaces. Thus they are go- the underlying principles have student working for Majidi in ing to absorb a lot of elastic been around for decades,” the field of soft robotics. energy that would otherwise Majidi said. One paradigm in Soft robotics is a new do- be wasted. These robots con- soft robotics is inflatable soft main in robotics where the tain special types of materi- robots — these are elastomers robots are made of soft mate- als and transducers, and they that are inflated with com- rials, as opposed to the types can convert that elastic energy pressed air, similar to balloons. of rigid materials that conven- into electrostatic energy. This According to Majidi, there has tional robots are made out of. energy can be used to power been decades of effort put to- These soft materials include different electronics inside the ward artificial muscles based elastomers, which are soft robot. on this principle of pneumatic rubbers that are elastic and Majidi’s lab focuses on cre- inflation, which uses pressur- very stretchable. They can also ating the materials that com- ized gas to inflate devices. The be composed of fluids or gels. prise soft robots. novelty is that there have been One of the motivations be- One type of material that a lot of advancements in rapid hind soft robotics is to make Majidi researches is an elec- prototyping and in the fabri- robots and machines that are tronic artificial skin that would cation and advanced manu- more life-like than curren ro- go on the outside of the ro- facturing techniques. Now re- bots. “The idea is that if robots bots. Inside the skin are sens- searchers can take the existing and machines are made out of ing elements that can detect principles and apply them to soft materials, then they will surface forces: surface fric- create much more elaborate exhibit more of the functional- tion, slip events, impact, col- types of soft robots at different ity and properties that natu- lision, and contact pressures. length scales. ral organisms have,” Majidi The electronic skin can act as “Another area that I’m in- said. a stretchable type of electronic volved with is soft matter elec- According to Majidi, “The circuit that can go around the tronics,” Majidi said. “These Kate Groschner/Photo Editor award addresses a very im- robot and support some of its are not necessarily robots, but Assistant professor of mechanical engineering Carmel Majidi won an award for his work in soft robotics from portant challenge within the electrically powered elements. they could function as a robot the Air Force Office of Scientific Research (AFOSR) Young Investigator Program. broader field of soft robotics.” There are many potential skin.” They could also function Many of these challenges stem application domains for the as wearable electronics, devic- ters. A lot of the current work create electrostatic generators this research,” Majidi conclud- from the two necessities in soft robots, such as the area of es that can be put on human in Majidi’s lab is focused on to help power the soft matter ed. “It’s great for the group soft robotics: electric power actuators (artificial muscles). skin. These are thin sheets of that approach to stretchable electronics and sensors,” Ma- and for the Carnegie Mellon and materials to help power Some of the technologies that soft rubber embedded with electronics. “That also moti- jidi said. community because it creates these biologically inspired Majidi wants to produce in microfluidic channels of dif- vates a lot of the work in this “I’m very grateful for the this opportunity to do cutting- robots. In addition, there is terms of energy harvesting ferent types of fluidic mat- Air Force award — which is to award and I’m very excited by edge research.” scitech briefs how things work Human – Robot ants Neanderthal simulate colony hybrid identified behavior The buzz behind bee navigation Brooke Kuei a bee’s internal clock, keeps cumulating charge as they zip periment suggest that bees do Skeletal remains found in Researchers based at the Assistant SciTech Editor track of how long the bee has through the air the same way indeed use the electric charge Riparo di Mezzena, a rock- New Jersey Institute of Tech- been searching for food. that electrical charge accu- of plants to find nectar-rich shelter in northern Italy, may nology and the Research Bees are a lot smarter than What is amazing about mulates on a person shuffling flowers. What’s more, biolo- belong to the first known Centre on Animal Cognition most people credit them. How the combination of these across a carpet. gists discovered that flowers human-Neanderthal hybrid. built sugar cube-sized robots, do bees know where to find abilities is that bees are even To test whether these op- that have already had their Current studies focus on known as “Alices,” that mim- the best flowers? When they aware of how the sun moves posite charges help bees lo- nectar harvested become analyzing the jaw structure, ic the behavior of Argentine find these flowers, how do throughout the time that they cate flowers, researchers used more positively charged. This which differs drastically be- ants. The study was focused they tell other bees where they are searching for food. This artificial flowers, half of which way, bees know not to waste tween Neanderthals and on their pathway coordina- are? These are tasks that may means that when the bee re- were electrically charged and their time visiting flowers that modern humans. The struc- tion. The robots leave light appear trivial at first glance, turns to its hive, it can tell its filled with sweet nectar, the no longer have much nectar. ture of this jaw was a blend trails and use light sensors but actually involve complex hive mates exactly where the other half of which had no After locating where nec- between a Neanderthal’s to trace the trails, mimick- and miraculous processes. food is relative to the current charge and were filled with a tar-filled flowers are, bees receding lower jaw and a ing the pheromone trails and Howstuffworks.com ex- position of the sun — not just bitter solution. As expected, need to communicate to their modern human’s prominent antennae of real ants. When plains that bees use two main relative to where the sun was the bees quickly learned that fellow hive mates where they lower jaw. The genetic analy- no light trail is available, the tools in their search for food: when it found the food. the good food could be found are. Howstuffworks.com ex- sis revealed that the remains robots follow random direc- a solar compass and an inter- LiveScience describes a new in the electrically charged plains that if the food is close contained mitochondrial tions, which correspond to nal clock. Bees use their so- theory regarding how bees de- sweet flowers. to the hive, the bee will per- DNA of a Neanderthal, sug- the near-blind Argentine lar compass to remember the tect flowers: Most plants have But the real test came when form a round dance. This type gesting that the individual ant’s behavior in the absence location of objects relative to a slight negative charge rela- the researchers switched off of dance consists of traveling would have been the descen- of pheromone trails. The the sun. Since they are able tive to the air around them, the electrical charges. When in loops in alternating direc- dant of a female Neanderthal researchers found that the to see polarized light, their while flying bees have a posi- none of the flowers was elec- tions. The round dance does and a male Homo sapien. light-following algorithms solar compass is unaffected tive charge. Wired explains trically charged, the bees not point in the direction of This study indicates possible and the random walking sim- by whether it is a sunny or the positive charge of bees by simply visited the flowers ran- the food, it merely tells the “ethnic cleansing” of the Ne- ulations were sufficient for cloudy day. The second tool, using the analogy of wings ac- domly. The results of this ex- other bees that food is near- anderthals by sexual assault. guiding the ants to their des- by. When food is close, the Further research will reveal tination. This finding indi- other bees can usually find it more information about Ne- cates that efficient navigation on their own simply by using anderthal and human inter- is possible even with the ants’ their odor senses. actions. minimal cognitive abilities A more complicated dance, and geometric consideration. which is performed when food is far away, is called the Source: Discovery News waggle dance. The waggle Source: ScienceDaily dance consists of flying in a straight line followed by re- Shortcut to Biological turning loops. The direction of International indications of the straight line indicates the direction of the food in rela- Space Station criminal recidivism tion to the sun. Last Thursday, two Rus- The Mind Research Net- For example, if the bee sian cosmonauts and a NASA work in Albuquerque, New runs straight up the hive astronaut arrived at the In- Mexico completed a study walls, this means that the food ternational Space Station a demonstrating that neuroim- can be found by flying toward mere five hours and 45 min- aging techniques can predict the sun. Conversely, if the bee utes after their launch from the likelihood of criminal re- runs straight down the hive the Baikonur Cosmodrome cidivism after being released wall, the food can be found in Kazakhstan. This express from prison. The study exam- by flying away from the sun. route resulted in a trip that ined impulsive and antisocial The quality of the flowers are was about 45 hours shorter behavior focused in the ante- indicated by the speed of the than the traditional trips. rior cingulate cortex (ACC), returning loops. Before this trip, the Russians the brain’s regulatory center The most important part had been exploring alternate for behavior and impulsiv- of the waggle dance is the routes over the past three ity. It was determined that waggle run. As the bee flies years. inmates with low ACC activ- its straight line and returning This express route was ity were twice as likely to loops, it vibrates its wings and tested during three un- reoffend than inmates with waggles its abdomen. By do- manned cargo flights. The high ACC activity. People ing so, the bee moves the air expedited route involves very with damaged or inactive around it, allowing other bees precise steering and calcula- ACCs tend to have “changes near it to learn the location of tions, making space debris in disinhibition, apathy, and the food by the change in air and any other potential prob- aggressiveness” and are typi- movement. lems even more threatening. cally identified by “acquired Bees are not to be taken The abridged travel time also psychopathic personality,” as mere insects — with solar allows astronauts to arrive the study states. compasses, internal clocks, at the space station before electrical attraction to plants, and intricate dances, they are the onset of microgravity- Source: ScienceDaily induced sickness. a highly efficient and coopera- tive species that find food and Compiled By: communicate in astonishing Source: Reuters Kelsey Scott Michael Setzer/SciTech Editor ways. April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/scitech » B5 Engineers push for collaboration on shale gas research Michael Setzer Scott Institute for Energy In- ernment-industry research ini- policy guide and give their There were, however, ward, the Scott Institute will SciTech Editor novation, which was launched tiative. The team believes that pitch for the research initia- questions of concern regard- continue to publish about last September. this collaboration between the tive. ing how this initiative would three to four of these policy The energy climate of the The team’s main goal in different parties will result in According to Mitchell and be implemented, who would guides a year, according to nation, and especially south- Washington was to give poli- better energy research with Stine, the trip seemed to be pay for it, and what specific Stine. In May, a similar group west Pennsylvania, was been cymakers and members of better solutions. Stine believes a success. “I think it was very processes would need to take within the institute will travel transformed by the discovery government a primer on shale this setup would allow an in- successful. We got very little place. According to Mitchell, to Washington, D.C. to brief of the Marcellus Shale. The gas, and inform them of the dependent board to prioritize negative feedback,” Stine said. currently all of the budget al- policymakers on renewable fracking boom has been a current research that was oc- research funds, and reduce According to Mitchell, ev- lotted for shale gas research energy resources. With shale source of controversy, and has curring at Carnegie Mellon in the redundancy that is cur- eryone they met was informed goes to government organiza- gas estimated to account for brought up many important regards to water resources, air rently occurring in shale gas and receptive to their ideas. “I tions such as the EPA and the almost half of the natural gas questions regarding the econo- pollution, and gas wells. The research. Mitchell also stresses think we did a really great job Department of Energy. supply in the United States by my, the environment, and pol- group also focused their atten- the need for communication communicating our research To Stine and Mitchell, this 2040, the researchers in the icy. Recently, researchers from tion on pushing for a research across institutions. and community the need for trip to Washington was just Scott Institute hope to impact Carnegie Mellon have traveled initiative between universities, “What we’ve experienced this initiative,” he said. the beginning. Moving for- policy as soon as possible. to Washington, D.C. to speak government, and industry. is all these different people with policymakers and share The researchers stressed need to come together to sup- their recently completed 30- that there are many problems port this initiative and to sup- page policy guide on shale gas. on how research is currently port research and understand The team that traveled done in shale gas. According to what basically is going to be a to Washington included en- Stine, many academic institu- huge part of the energy land- Shale gas policy guide: What’s in it? gineering and public policy tions are working on a “shoe- scape of what’s to come,” he professor of the work and as- string budget,” with very little said. “That is something that sistant director of policy out- funds available when it comes we collectively believe is nec- An overview of shale gas: reach for the Scott Institute to shale gas research. Mitchell essary to set a new agenda for • Shale gas production is increasing rapidly and is expected to become half of the U.S. Deborah Stine, civil and envi- also notes that research con- conducting research in this natural gas supply by 2040. ronmental engineering profes- ducted by the gas industry can area. I think it can allow us to • Shale gas is trapped within shale formations, which is fine-grained sedimentary rock. sor Jeanne VanBriesen, associ- sometimes draw skepticism. maximize the benefits of shale It used to be very costly to extract this gas, but advances in horizontal drilling and hy- ate professor of engineering “There’s always that ques- gas but also understand and draulic fracturing have now made it more economical. Shale gas is extracted through a and public policy and profes- tion of ‘well, is the work bi- minimize the costs.” combination of hydraulic fracturing and horizontal drilling. sor in the Tepper School of ased?’ and even if the work is In Washington, the group Business Michael Griffin, head good, it’s tough to avoid those members met with representa- of the mechanical engineering sorts of questions. If somebody tives from the Obama adminis- department Allen Robinson, from the environmental group tration, members of the Senate The costs and benefits of shale gas drilling: and Ph.D. student in engineer- pays for the work, then you and House of Representatives, Pros: ing and public policy Austin have the opposite occurring,” and representatives from the • Economic: potential of long-term job creation and lower energy prices Mitchell. All are also associ- he said. Environmental Protection • National security: the U.S. will only be reliant on North American energy supplies ated with Carnegie Mellon’s Enter the university-gov- Agency (EPA) to discuss their • Environmental: displaces sources such as coal and oil

Cons: • Environmental: shale gas extraction process can affect ground and surface water resources if performed incorrectly; shale gas production has air pollution emissions

An argument for a government-university-industry research initiative: • Carnegie Mellon proposes a government-university-industry initiative “to fill critical gaps in knowledge at the interface of shale gas development and environmental pro- tection so the nation can better prepare for its energy future.” • The initiative would reduce redundency in shale gas research and provide a firewall between the priorities of research. The team believes that collaborative research may appear more trustworthy than that funded only by industry or government. • The initiative would provide an easier system for policymaking by streamlining information and communications.

Source: Shale Gas and the Environment: A Critical Need for a Government-University-Industry Research Initiative Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons Shale gas wells are becoming increasingly common, especially in Pennsylvania. cOMPILED BY Brooke Kuei and Michael Setzer B6 « thetartan.org/forum The Tartan » April 1, 2013

From the Editorial Board Online activism does not produce lasting change This meager donation from well over 1 million people for a war-torn region shows that, while social me- dia can garner support for a cause, it is unable to motivate people to take braden Kelner action. Additionally, Michigan State Last week, the Supreme Court University research assistant Jessica considered the constitutionality of Vitak found in a study that the more Proposition 8 and the Defense of intensely people use Facebook, the Marriage Act (DOMA). Proposition less likely they are to participate in 8 bans gay marriage in California, other forms of political activism. while DOMA denies federal mar- While she found that they may be riage benefits to those in same-sex influenced by others’ posts, people marriages. Inspired by the Human are less likely to promote change Rights Campaign, an organization in public the more they promote working for LGBTQ rights, many change from their own computer. Facebook users changed their pro- In order to promote real change file pictures to a pink equal sign through social media, campaigns against a red background in support need to reinvent how they advertise. of marriage equality. Those hoping to promote change Braden Kelner/Forum Editor While support for gay marriage is must do more than ask others to like admirable, Internet activism doesn’t their photo on Facebook or share result in true change when it comes their link, which only raises aware- Midway Market removal neglectful of organizations to controversial issues. If they want ness. While awareness is valuable In 2011, Spring Carnival Com- continue to represent every part of and individuals hoping to show off success, social media campaigns to any campaign, people aiming to mittee erected a tent known as Mid- this culture by remaining inclusive their accomplishments. must focus on getting people out promote change should focus on way Market on Carnival’s Midway to all parties involved. While most The Spring Carnival Committee from behind their computer screens. tangible ways that people can help in Morewood parking lot. As part large organizations on campus — must work with organizations to cre- Currently, social media is un- outside the realm of social media. of a two-year experiment, Midway particularly Greek chapters — have ate an alternative resource or loca- able to motivate users to create last- Their descriptions of issues should Market served as a location where the manpower and resources to tion for the Midway Market tent. Al- ing change. According to Malcom not focus on sharing or liking a post. organizations without booths could build booths, smaller organizations though Spring Carnival Committee Gladwell, a staffwriter for The New Instead, leaders of a cause should interact with students, alumni, and are unable to do so, largely due to deemed Midway Market a two-year Yorker, social media creates weak include ways in which people can other guests. the limited membership. Midway experiment, the committee should ties, “[which] seldom lead to high- publicly address an issue in their However, Midway Market will Market provides a way for smaller make an efforts to reach out to orga- risk activism.” Strong relationships community or nation. be absent from this year’s Carni- organizations to promote themselves nizations affected by the loss of their promote action, but these connec- The Supreme Court may rule val celebration. during Carnegie Mellon’s annual cel- Carnival venue. tions are hard to build online. that legislation like DOMA and While the Midway Market tent ebration. The committee has made clear ef- While changing a picture or lik- Proposition 8 are unconstitutional, lacks the flair of the booths, an op- Spring Carnival is also a celebra- forts in the past to represent all or- ing a campaign page on Facebook but these decisions won't be made tion for promotion should be made tion of students’ accomplishments. ganizations, as is apparent by their raises awareness of national and because of changed profile pictures. available to smaller organizations From booth to buggy to Mobot, decision to create Midway Market in global issues, it does little to cre- They will be influenced by the tes- that are unable to participate in Carnival has always been a way for the first place. ate tangible benefits for those in timonies of those brave enough to booth building. students to show off to those both While these efforts are commend- need. Gladwell notes that each of present their cases and those who Spring Carnival embraces every within and outside the campus com- able, it is imperative that they are the 1,282,339 members of the Save leave their computer screens to pro- aspect of Carnegie Mellon’s unique munity. This opportunity must re- continued, not abandoned, in the Darfur Coalition’s Facebook page on test in public. campus culture, and the event must main extended to all organizations coming years. average only donates $0.09. These contributions amount to a mere do- Braden Kelner (bik@) is Forum edi- Activists should be respectful of university members nation of approximately $115,410. tor for The Tartan. Activists protesting organ har- not a huge issue, it discourages stu- depth description of the faith, as well vesting in China, as well as activists dents from being receptive or active as several charts depicting health from the Human Rights Campaign, listeners. If a student is running late benefits for practitioners, as “many Internet activists capable have begun regularly appearing on to class, stopping to talk to a person people just like you take up the prac- campus this past week. with a flyer can seem trivial and ir- tice of Falun Gong and experience In particular, the issue of alleged relevant. health benefits.” This attempt at con- of getting the word out organ harvesting in China is both The other major problem with the version is so obviously partisan that supplies they needed. On the other incredibly important to discuss and activists’ campaign is the actual con- it detracts from the overall issue at hand, even if those people did not deeply complex. tent of their flyers. The content bor- hand. end up giving to the cause, at least However, perhaps the meth- ders on sensationalism in its attempt Public activism always has its is- they were educated about the issue ods activists are employing to to raise awareness. For example, the sues — people are often too busy to from seeing the mass of changed bring attention to this issue could front page of the organ harvesting connect with activists, even for ex- satvika neti profile pictures. be re-evaluated. protesters’ handout depicts a little tremely important causes. Because Regarding marriage equality, the One of the activists’ most com- girl in the rain holding a sign that of these difficulties, organizations Unless you don’t use Facebook, changed profile pictures, the Human mon locations is the main entrance reads “Killed for their belief.” choosing to promote their causes or you have been living under a rock Rights Campaign’s logo, creates kin- to campus — the first step on the Furthermore, the content of the on campus must strike a balance for the past week, you have probably ship against the wave of opposition stairs facing Forbes Avenue. This po- flyer — specifically the explanation between enthusiasm for their cause seen in your news feed that many to the repeals of Proposition 8 and sition requires most students to pass of Falun Gong — serves as an at- and respect for the busy schedules profile pictures are now equal signs. DOMA. While there are issues of them on the way to class. tempt to sway religious beliefs. and various beliefs of students who Internet social activism is a grow- making the campaign an “Allies” While this minor inconvenience is Page six of the packet has an in- pass them on their way to classes. ing trend that you can advocate with fight as opposed to LGBTQ individu- the press of a button — and it keeps als addressing their own conflict, Incentives for student leaders should be considered hitting social media users with dif- seeing the mass of equal signs would ferent campaigns. The most recent surely comfort someone struggling This year’s student body election didate to win by default. This apathy sistant is paid while the SBVPF goes one before the current campaign for with his or her sexual identity. for student body vice president for toward crucial student positions also unpaid. Payment could motivate stu- marriage equality was Kony 2012. Research also shows that slack- finance (SBVPF) features a 100 per- applies to more than just the student dents currently compensated for a Obviously, there are many criti- tivists are not necessarily slackers. cent increase in candidates: from body vice president for finance; the position to move to higher positions cisms to this kind of activism, the A 2010 survey by TNS Global sug- one to two. competition for student body presi- that are currently unpaid. most germane being that it doesn’t gests Internet slacktivists are just In the last election, senior light- dent is just two tickets this year. Another incentive could be units. do anything to further a cause. Lik- as likely to donate their money to a ing design major Jon Mark ran un- The key to fixing this problem After all, many of the skills that stu- ing a Facebook post and changing cause as non-slacktivists, and even opposed, and while he has done a lies with discernible incentives. The dents learn through leadership po- your profile picture does not help twice as likely to volunteer. They are commendable job as the SBVPF, it heads of student organizations put sitions are also taught in the class- the Supreme Court decide anything also more likely to recruit people to is clearly in the campus’ best inter- an extraordinary amount of time to room, including handling finances, in the coming months, just as chang- a cause, request donations, and sign est that more than one or two can- ensure that our campus functions as drafting proposals, and presenting ing your profile picture to feature petitions that end up changing poli- didates run for these important stu- it should, and this monumental time plans of action to others on campus. Kony last April did not end up really ticians’ positions. The bottom line is dent body positions. commitment likely deters many po- Many qualified candidates hesi- helping the people of Uganda. that people’s activities are not de- As the official student govern- tential candidates. tate to run for important positions But the silver lining to this — the fined by their online activity. ment website describes, the student A system of incentives could at- around campus, due to the time good side to what is almost affec- Even if it might not be the best body vice president for finance is tract qualified and dedicated candi- commitment of the job. tionately called slacktivism, a com- way to help win any legal or finan- “the financial representative for the dates to help run our campus orga- A system of incentives alone bination of “slacker” and “activism”, cial battles, slacktivism can be a key entire undergraduate and gradu- nizations and government, and keep would not remedy this problem, but — is that it gets the word out. to garnering support and promoting ate student population at Carnegie our campus community performing it could help motivate many of these Internet activism makes people discussions of controversial issues. Mellon.” The SBVPF has extremely at its best. individuals to take a greater role in aware of issues and can inform oth- This type of activism helps fight important duties that dictate the While options for incentives are our campus community, and reward ers about the issue. People who had the social battles — and win them. operation of many crucial student plentiful, one incentive could be those who are already devoting a no idea about Kony but were truly organizations and activities — du- payment for serving in positions of great deal of their time toward cam- interested could do research and Satvika Neti (sneti@) is a staffwriter ties that are too important for a can- leadership. After all, the SBVPF’s as- pus activities. help provide the Ugandans with for The Tartan.

Editorial Board Staff Jennifer Coloma * Braden Kelner Justin McGown Brent Heard * Senior Staff Publisher Forum Editor Online Editor News Co-Editor Stephanie Blotner, Stacey Chin, Greg Hanneman, Jackson Lane, Daniel Tkacik, Alan Josh Smith * Evan Kahn Chloe Thompson Vangpat The Tartan is a student newspaper at Carnegie Mellon University, funded in part by the student Editor-in-Chief Copy Manager Personnel Manager activities fee. It is a weekly publication by students during the fall and spring semesters, printed by Copy Trib Total Media. The Tartan is not an official publication of Carnegie Mellon University. Editorial Staff Swathi Anand, Sawsan Boutemine, Matt Brown, Nivedita Chopra, Ellie Erlich, Blaine Greenberg, The Editorials appearing at the beginning of the opinion section are the official opinion of The Kelsey Scott * Annette Ko Bonita leung Jonathan Carreon Jordyn Greenberg, Chris Han, Satvika Neti, Tartan Editorial Board. Columns, Editorial Cartoons, and Reviews are the opinions of their Operations Manager Art Editor Asst. Copy Manager Contributing Editor Joey Peiser Sage Po, Taylor Rawley individual creators. The Tartan Editorial Staff reserves the right to withhold from publication any copy it deems unfit. Noel Üm Will Crichton Julia Yang Allison Cosby * Advertising News Co-Editor Systems Manager Asst. Copy Manager Contributing Editor Letters to the Editor are the opinions of their authors. Letters from within the University com- Kyle Henson, Gretchen Tan Michael Setzer Linda Ju Brian Trimboli Madelyn Glymour munity take precedence. Letters intended for publication must be signed and include the author’s SciTech Editor Advertising Manager Asst. News Editor Contributing Editor address and telephone number for verification; letters must not exceed 350 words. Authors’ names may be withheld from publication upon request. The Tartan reserves the right to condense or reject Rachel Cohen desiree xu Brooke Kuei Christa Hester any letter. Letters must be submitted by 5 p.m. on the Wednesday before publication by mail or to Pillbox Editor Business Manager Asst. SciTech Editor Contributing Editor [email protected]. Kairavi Chahal Jonathan Leung Laura Scherb Anna Walsh Comics Editor Asst. Photo Editor Asst. Pillbox Editor Contributing Editor

Kate Groschner william park Office: University Center 314 Mail: Photo Editor Asst. Forum Editor Phone: (412) 268-2111 The Tartan Fax: (412) 268-1596 Box 119, UC Suite 103 © 2013 The Tartan, all rights reserved. Web: www.thetartan.org 5000 Forbes Avenue * Denotes executive committee member Library of Congress ISSN: 0890-3107 E-mail: [email protected] Pittsburgh, PA 15213 April 1, 2013 « The Tartan thetartan.org/forum » B7 Court must favor same-sex marriage Experiences at German it would give the Federal govern- es that gay marriage has no negative ment police power — the power to externalities, and nicely slaps the university reveal issues regulate people, not as consumers, faces of Proposition 8 supporters by income-earners, or smokers, but as telling them that their position is so mogan ramesh queue of students waiting outside human beings living, breathing, and invalid that the court won’t consider Junior Staffwriter the library at 8 a.m. was a common kyle henson trying to get married. This power is their arguments. observation. reserved for the states. The DOMA case is simpler. Gay My preparation for the interview This lack of funding hurt the un- Proposition 8, California’s ban If the court takes a narrow ruling, marriage is a state issue. Conser- to study abroad seemed perfect. The dergraduate experience, as it made on gay marriage, and the Defense it would respect states rights and vative justices must limit Federal opportunity to leave RWTH Aachen individual lab experiences impossi- of Marriage Act (DOMA) which pre- police power, but only overturn Cali- power by saying that the Federal University, Germany for Carnegie ble and it impinged on lectures. Mal- vents same sex marriages from being fornia’s gay marriage ban. But there government can't invalidate state Mellon sounded like the opportu- functioning microphones in the lec- recognized at the Federal level, went is no need to. The court should not police power in recognizing marriag- nity to travel to a better place. ture halls of Germany’s top technical before the Supreme Court last week. only respect states rights and police es. I believe that the liberal justices When I found myself being as- university are expected. Despite the The court has several options regard- power, but also preserve everyone’s will cast four votes for overturning sessed on my capacity to represent university officials’ promise to make ing these two laws, but it should dis- freedom to marry by dismissing the DOMA and Chief Justice John Rob- my home university abroad, I dis- lecture hall equipment reflect the miss the Proposition 8 case on proce- case on the grounds that those suing erts and Associate Justice Antho- played my enthusiasm for Carnegie high standards of RWTH, the im- dural grounds and overturn DOMA have no reason to be in court. ny Kennedy will join them on the Mellon, a place I read about in Ran- plementation of these changes are in the name of states’ rights. In all seriousness, if someone’s grounds of Federalism. dy Pausch’s The Last Lecture. There slow. If installing a new microphone Potential rulings on Proposi- gay neighbors get married, he or she Interestingly enough, Section 2 of was, however, one question that I is economically unfeasible, how can tion 8 could be wide and varied. It is no worse off. Gay people already DOMA isn’t being challenged. This had not seen coming: one even hope for a more practical could strike the amendment for just live together. It really doesn’t affect section says that states don’t have “As an ambassador for our uni- lab experience that utilizes expen- California because the California anyone else if they’re granted the le- to recognize gay marriages made in versity, what is it that you would tell sive equipment? Supreme Court ruled a gay marriage gal rights of marriage. other states. This flagrantly violates an American in order to make him Professors also often have lim- ban unconstitutional. This decision When someone sues the Federal the Full Faith and Credit Clause of come here for a year?” ited availability. The conversations would be considered a narrow rul- government, it’s because he or she the Constitution (Article IV, Sec- At the time, Carnegie Mellon I have had with professors always ing. The court could also say that any was hurt or otherwise damaged. tion 1), which states that laws made seemed to be an escape from a place inspired me — reason enough to state ban on gay marriage is uncon- When the gay couples suing the gov- in one state have to be respected in whose strengths I did not yet recog- fantasize about how great close col- stitutional and strike it down for the ernment won their case in California another. Why this isn’t being chal- nize. There are several flaws of my laboration between students and country, similar to Roe v. Wade. This court, the damages done to them lenged in court is a mystery — it’d be university and the approach it takes professors would be. While teaching would be considered a broad ruling. were repaired. They were allowed to a very quick way to repeal DOMA. to educating future engineers. assistants were available to speak Additionally, the court could dismiss marry. They didn’t appeal the case. The court is likely to overturn With four to five courses each multiple times a week, professors the Proposition 8 case altogether, The case is in Federal court now be- DOMA and to at least recognize gay semester, the workload in Germany were not often available because saying that to continue a lawsuit, cause the supporters of Proposition couples’ rights to marry in California — particularly having problem set they rarely have set office hours. One you must have been harmed in some 8 continued the case. They have no by taking either a narrow ruling or after problem set thrown at me — of the reasons for that is the role of way, and the supporters of Proposi- right to be in court because they dismissing the case altogether. Ei- was frustrating. Instead of fostering professors at a lot of German univer- tion 8 have not been harmed by gay were not damaged. ther way, it’s a win for gay marriage interests in a specific subject, the sities. Rather than being heavily in- marriage. The court could also de- If the case is dismissed, then gay and a win for limited government weekly workload made it impossible volved in research themselves, pro- clare that civil unions and marriage marriage remains a state decision — and states’ rights. to further research a topic presented fessors act as managers who define are the same thing, which would as it should be — and gay couples in in class. My expectations of a schol- the pathway that research in their have very unclear implications. California get to marry. More impor- Kyle Henson (kahenson@) is a staff- arly life full of captivating insights department should take. Therefore, If the court takes a broad ruling, tantly, this decision legally recogniz- writer for The Tartan. were not met. Quite the opposite, their connection to undergraduate at no point did the university ap- students is often limited to the lec- pear to care about its students, with tures that they give. the most difficult subjects like ther- Because of these aspects, Carn- modynamics yielding 40 percent egie Mellon embodied the “Prom- Humanities students are worthy of pay fail rates. Achieving a C+ or B- on ised Land” in terms of education. It's unrealistic for companies to are going out of their way to so gen- an exam was often considered an I dreamed of small classrooms, think that their interns will be di- erously give me “experience”; how above-average performance. fair grading, and problem sets that verse when so many candidates don't dare I ask for anything more? I also did not see myself thriving taught meaningful material. In apply simply because they can't af- To a degree, tech companies are in an environment with large class America, there would be professors ford it. Even more insulting is when able to pay interns because of how sizes and little space to study, both with regular office hours, available emily dobler companies offer a minuscule stipend the economy currently works. But due to funding. Even though RWTH computer clusters, and grades that below minimum wage, thinking that that does not excuse the historical Aachen is funded more adequately reflected the work put into courses. If I had a dollar for every intern- it will put them morally ahead of precedent of the rampant unpaid in- than any other university in Ger- My hope was that combining ship opportunity that had everything those that don't pay at all. ternships for humanities students. many, according to Financial Times experiences from German and U.S. I was looking for until the fine print However, my main problem with I spent the last four years hon- Duetschland, our “first-year experi- universities would help students be- of “unpaid, academic credit avail- unpaid internships is how perva- ing my skills, trying to be a jack of ence” in engineering is sitting in a come better engineers. able” — why, I'd probably be able to sive they are within the humanities. all trades so I could become an irre- gigantic lecture hall with over 1,000 While my experiences at Carn- afford to take the job. The field is already the butt of many placeable asset who deserves to be students. During my first year, I had egie Mellon have allowed me to re- As a professional writing and Eng- jokes — especially at Carnegie Mel- paid. I can do more than just read and trouble coping with the fact that I alize my home education system’s lish double major, I have never had lon — so why add more problems write — I can think critically, work seemed to have turned from an in- flaws, they have also allowed me to a paid internship. My work, in and for its students to deal with? When it in groups, lead teams, write persua- dividual into a mere number. I could identify its strengths, which I will out of school, has never been paid. already feels like your major is being sively using time-honored rhetorical not help but feel that my institution talk about in my next article. When comparing summer plans with questioned 24 hours a day, not hav- techniques, evaluate what audiences would not notice if I dropped out. my peers — coming from a variety of ing a company validate your skills want, translate complicated jargon Finding study locations during This article is the first in a series of ar- majors, mostly in the technical fields with a paycheck is depressing. into coherent and concise pieces, the most intense periods of the se- ticles detailing the realizations of an — their reactions are always the To illustrate, during my search for and use a plethora of software to cre- mester became an art itself. A long exchange student at Carnegie Mellon. same: “Don't take the job, then! Hold jobs post-graduation, I filled out a ate aesthetically pleasing designs, out for someone who'll pay you. Isn't careerbuilder.com profile and signed just to name a few of my skills. that technically slave labor?” And, up for email updates on jobs that These are the kinds of abilities unsurprisingly, my answer is always matched my résumé and skill set. that will help keep a company afloat the same: “There are no paid, fulfill- The potential jobs I was matched — no matter its field. Successful ing jobs for me to take, especially in up with? Office assistant, office man- companies balance both technical this economy.” ager, and secretary. skills and communication skills. I may be biased, but I believe the Out of hundreds of jobs on But unpaid internships have be- problem of unpaid internships exists careerbuilder.com, the site couldn't come ingrained in society. Humani- almost entirely in humanities fields. find a single paying job that remote- ties students are willing to work for I have never witnessed a computer ly matched my interests. Sure, the free because companies do not value scientist forced to choose between results might just lie with how the their skills. And so, the vicious cycle a fantastic, experience-boosting un- website’s algorithm works, but it’s began when students were grateful paid internship and a boring, unre- insulting nonetheless. Meanwhile, simply to land internships — no mat- lated internship that pays them well. when I widened my search to include ter the cost — and companies real- But this scenario is something my internships, the world seemed to ized how much they could get away friends in the humanities must deal open up and I found plenty of unpaid with when hiring interns. with. Internships rarely allow hu- opportunities waiting for me to take There is no clear solution to this is- manities students to have it all. advantage of. sue. However, the solution will have That fine print in internship ads For me, the reasoning behind to start with how society views the can be a death sentence, particularly this situation seems to be simple. To humanities and the value it places on for those not from affluent families. companies, my skills are not worth the skills taught in the field. Money always comes first; you can't paying for compared to those of my pay rent with all the “experience” technically-minded peers. After all, Emily Dobler (edobler@) is a staff- you get from an unpaid internship. the companies already believe they writer for The Tartan. Annette Ko/Art Editor A PERSON’S OPINION Compiled by Jonathan Leung The Tartan is feeling a bit adventurous. So we asked, What’s your favorite off-campus location to visit in your free time?

Andrew Yee Giancarlo Roach Rivas Amy Desalazar Andrew Liu Justin Knobloch Chem E Public Policy and Management ChemE & BME Physics Materials Science & BME Sophomore Graduate Student Sophomore First-year First-year

“Pamela’s at Squirrel Hill.” “Walnut Street.” “Carnegie Science Center.” “Carnegie Music Hall.” “The Waterfront.” B8 « thetartan.org/sports The Tartan » April 1, 2013

Track and field teams host, succeed in mini-invite

Kate Groschner/Photo Editor Carnegie Mellon’s track and field teams hosted a mini-invitational on campus last Saturday. The men’s team came in first place overall, and the women’s team came in second place.

Vinay Viswanathan Halley Bayer placed second, sophomore Sasha Spalding, lowed by first-year Marc-Dan- Staffwriter third, and fourth respec- Ghafafian, and Guevel, giving iel Julien in third. The men’s tively in the 1500-meter run. particular credit to Spalding. team captured the 4 x 400 re- The men’s track and field Bayer also won third in the “[Spalding has] really been a lay, as well as the second-place team seized victory in its home 800-meter run, with a time of key player,” Bayer said. “She prize in the pole vault due to a mini-invitational on March 30, 2:25.44. Senior Leila Bouab- even started throwing and strong showing by sophomore besting squads from Denison dellaoui won second place in jumping.” Spalding also com- Mike McDermott. University, Allegheny College, the 3000-meter steeplechase, petes in the heptathlon for the Richard Max Reinertsen, SUNY Fredonia, and Waynes- with a time of 12:25.01. track and field team. a first-year jumper, won the burg University. The men’s Sophomore Sara Kelly The men’s side of the team triple jump and placed fourth squad succeeded in both the said, “This was a good starting captured the first-place prize in the long jump behind fel- running and field components point; hopefully we can get a with 234 points. First-year low first-year Patrick Chang, of the competition, winning little bit of momentum going javelin thrower Paul Hamer- who claimed third. “This six field events and three track to the upcoming meets, which ski placed third in the javelin, year’s team is really, really events. are going to be bigger.” trailing less than three feet be- large, with a large freshman The women’s team placed The women’s sprint team hind the javelin winner, junior class who’s contributing a lot,” second behind Waynesburg also did well. First-year Jenna David Markowitz. Reinertsen said. University, winning four of Asperslag finished second in Speaking of the throwers, The track and field team the five events and scoring the 100-meter dash and third Hamerski said, “everyone just improved its overall unity at 129 points. First-year distance in the 200-meter, and fellow did their best ... we’re all just the tournament as well, with standout Rekha Schnepf said, first-year Alexandra Lewis re- trying to improve.” competitors making a con- “I think that for our second ceived second in the 200. He went on to commend scious effort to observe and outdoor meet, both teams are Junior Jacqueline Guevel senior thrower Pat Robinson cheer on their teammates in looking pretty strong.... Peo- took first in both the 100-me- and Markowitz particularly other events. ple are just improving a lot, ter and 400-meter hurdles, for their personal records at “We’re trying to, at meets, because after going through and junior Carineh Ghafafian the mini-invite, saying, “it’s watch the other events and be indoor, everyone’s had at least finished third in the 400-me- all pretty much a constant at- supportive as a team,” Kelly a few experiences running in ter run. “We have a lot of new titude of getting better.” said. track events.” girls this year and it’s nice to Young players were piv- And, at the end of the day, The distance teams for have some new faces.... We otal to the men’s team, with the team enjoyed the meet. both squads are performing have a couple girls who are sophomores Thomas Vanden- Reinertsen said, “I think it was at high levels. Sophomore just powerhouses,” Bayer said. berg and Douglas O’Connell nice to be at a home meet, and Alan Vangpat/Senior Staff Photographer Erin Kiekhaefer, senior Em- Bayer praised the 4 x 400 finishing in the top two of the to be able to relax and have The women’s track and field team placed first and second in the 4 x ily Wobb, and sophomore relay team of Kiekhaefer, 800-meter running event, fol- fun on a beautiful day.” 400 meter relay and the 4 x 100 meter relay, respectively. Women’s tennis falls to Johns Hopkins, Washington and Lee abby smith The Tartans were origi- won her 11th match of the Staffwriter nally up 2–1 after doubles season when she defeated and gained more momentum Claire Cahill from Washing- In a rematch of last when sophomore Chelsea ton and Lee at No. 5 singles. month’s Intercollegiate Ten- Motie won at No. 1 singles. The team remains posi- nis Association National The pressure was on the No. 6 tive about the outcome of the Team Indoor Championship, singles match, but Johns Hop- weekend. “We were really the outcome remained the kins junior Abby Clark sealed close in all of our matches,” same as Johns Hopkins Uni- the win with a 6–3 victory Tsu said. versity nipped the Carnegie over Carnegie Mellon sopho- “The team showed a lot of Mellon women’s tennis team more Bryn Raschke. Pratt passion, but we couldn’t get 5–4 Sunday afternoon. The gave the team its final victory it done,” Cecil said. “We will fourth-ranked Blue Jays im- of the day in the No. 3 singles. bounce back.” proved to 7–2 on the season, The Saturday before, the The Tartans put the losses while the seventh-ranked Tar- Tartans took on Washington behind them as they look for- tans slipped to 8–4. and Lee University in Lex- ward to host the University of The Tartans faced setbacks ington, Va., falling 2–7 to the Pittsburgh on April 10. going into the match, with 18th-ranked Generals. Carn- junior Katie Cecil out with egie Mellon picked up its first Editor’s Note: For coverage an injury. “It was difficult for point with a 8–1 victory from of the men’s tennis matches everyone to have to move up the doubles duo of first-year against Washington and Lee a position. We hope Katie has Brooke Tsu and sophomore University and Johns Hopkins Jonathan Leung/Assistant Photo Editor a quick recovery,” said sopho- Lydia Utkin in No. 3 doubles. University, visit The Tartan on- Women’s tennis fell to both Johns Hopkins University and Washington and Lee University this past weekend. more Angela Pratt. First-year Abbey Hamstra line at www.thetartan.org. commentary Changes in NL Central means hope for Pirates this season carl glazer a three- to four-week novelty ball, the Reds were still active Cardinals have one of the best baseman Pedro Alvarez, and closer John Axford blew seven Staffwriter during May and June to a year- this off-season, trading center farm systems and have several former All-Star Gaby Sánchez, of his first 23 save opportu- round necessity. fielder Drew Stubbs for right minor league players who are will help the Pirates avoid nities — part of the team’s Baseball’s opening night The Pirates and the rest fielder Shin-Soo Choo from expected to contribute this the late-season slumps that league high 29 blown saves. game last Sunday between of the NL Central should be the Cleveland Indians in a year, including outfielder Os- plagued the team the past two new American League (AL) relieved that their six-team three-team deal. While some car Taveras who will start the seasons. West opponents, the Texas divisional logjam is finally people question this move year in the minors, and three Fifth Place Rangers and the Houston As- remedied, even if it means from a defensive standpoint young pitchers starting in the Chicago Cubs tros, began a season that will removing the pitiful Astros. — Choo has never played cen- majors — Trevor Rosenthal, Fourth Place Last year the Cubs were re- introduce one of the most Unfortunately for the Pirates, ter fielder in his major league Shelby Miller, and Joe Kelly. Milwaukee Brewers ally bad, and this season ap- sweeping changes in Major the division is still stacked, career — the offensive impact Even after losing slugging pears to be no different. Play- League Baseball. The season and they face an uphill battle is quite apparent. Choo fills first baseman Prince Fielder ing for the future is Chicago’s will also hopefully see the to finally posting a winning the large hole at their lead-off Third Place last offseason, hitting the strategy during the second Pittsburgh Pirates achieve season. spot and turns the already po- Pittsburgh Pirates ball was never the Brewers’ year of general manager Theo their first winning season Let’s look at each team in tent Cincinnati lineup into one After a close call last year, main issue after leading the Epstein’s rein. The Cubs have since 1992. the NL Central, breaking down of the best in the league. this should be the year that league in runs and home runs a good group of young play- The most notable of these off-season moves, strengths the Pirates have their first win- last season. Milwaukee’s real ers lead by Starlin Castro and changes is the Astros’ move and weaknesses, as well as ning season in over 20 years. problem lies with its pitching. Anthony Rizzo, but they still from the once-six-team Na- predicting how they will finish Second Place All-Star Andrew McCutchen Milwaukee recently signed need another year or two to tional League (NL) Central to come September. St. Louis Cardinals is fresh off his best season veteran free-agent pitcher Kyle reach their full potential. the previously four-team AL The Cardinals seem un- and still has room to grow. Lohse ago to bolster its start- A strong free-agent class West in an effort to balance fazed by any loss of talent. Catcher Russell Martin made ing rotation behind ace Yovani headlined by starting pitchers the divisions and to give teams First Place Each year, several key play- waves in the off-season by Gallardo. While this move cer- Edwin Jackson, Carlos Villan- a more even field in which to Cincinnati Reds ers suffer injuries, and yet St. turning down a contract to re- tainly helps firm up their start- ueva, and Scott Feldman may win their division and guaran- The Reds finished last sea- Louis keeps winning. This year main with New York Yankees ing pitching, there are still ma- give the Cubs some spark this tee a playoff spot. son in first place with a devas- is no different, with ace Chris and instead signing with the jor questions with the young season, but the real payoff will With this move, the AL tating offense and a lights-out Carpenter and starting short- Pirates. Hopefully this influx pitchers rounding out the back come in a few years when all and NL are now balanced at pitching staff. Even though stop Rafael Furcal already lost of leadership, in addition to end of the rotation. of the prospects Epstein has 15 teams apiece, forcing In- they finished last year with to season ending injuries. the continued improvement The bullpen is also a mess amassed begin to make the terleague play to shift from the second-most wins in base- All that being said, the of McCutchen, slugging third for the Brewers. Last year, majors. Basement Miracle 2013 MFA Thesis Exhibition

Game of Thrones The season premiere promises drama galore over the next 10 weeks • C6

04.01.13 Volume 107, Issue 22 ...this week only 3 Vodka Three Carnegie Mellon seniors have created their own label, Fortis. 4 Wavves The artist’s new album Afraid of Heights shows the maturity of a songwriter looking back. 5 Web series The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is a mostly successful foray into a relatively new genre. 6 Game of Thrones The third season of the wildly popular HBO series premiered last night. 7 Spring Breakers The new movie starring James Franco is an entertaining tale of college-age recklessness. 8 MFA exhibition Basement Miracle showcases MFA student work at the Miller Gallery. 10 Japan Is the Key... 8 The Carnegie Museum of Art’s newest exhibit features Japanese prints and ivories.

4 5 7 10 regulars...... diversions

3 Advice 11 Comics Everything you need to know about dealing You will find yourself chuckling and giggling to with insults and programming your boyfriend. this week’s comics. 13 Puzzles We have some excellent puzzles this week. 7 Dollar Movie They are good for procrastination. AB Films will transport you to decades and centuries past with four films this weekend. 14 Horoscopes The answer is...

10 Did You Know? 15 Calendar Did you know that then-senator Barack Check out this week’s calendar to find out Obama visited Oakland in 2008? about on- and off-campus events.

PUBLISHER Jennifer Coloma EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Josh Smith PILLBOX EDITOR Rachel Cohen Assistant Pillbox Editor Laura Scherb COMICS EDITOR Kairavi Chahal ART EDITOR Annette Ko PHOTO EDITOR Kate Groschner COPY MANAGER Evan Kahn COVER Braden Kelner

The Tartan . Box 119 . UC Suite 103 . Carnegie Mellon University . 5000 Forbes Ave . Pittsburgh, PA 15213 . www.thetartan.org . © 2013 The Tartan Students start vodka label Advice for awkward people Fortis uses distinctive distilling process to create sweet taste About robot boyfriends and recompense

Dear Patrick, Dear Patrick, Student-made robots, famous fashion labels, and process. “The product that resulted was some of the top-notch actors and film producers are born smoothest vodka we’d ever tasted,” Lorubbio said. I just read the April Fools’ I’m pretty sure my every now and then from Carnegie Mellon. Senior Day issue of The Tartan, boyfriend is a robot. He’s economic and statistics major Doug Heckmann, Heckmann, who is in charge of sales and finances, and I am very offended. usually pretty emotionless senior mechanical engineering major Casey Parzych, decided to target customers who enjoy a locally Your article insulted my and cool. He takes all and senior information systems and business produced hand-crafted spirit. The label is looking club/major/personal instructions very literally. administration double major Anthony Lorubbio are to launch its Synthe Absinthe next month during identity. I demand This is all well and good, taking their own path to success by developing their Carnival weekend. recompense! What’s the except I can’t get him to own vodka label, Fortis. best way to go about remember to do stuff for One of the biggest lessons the team has come attaining it? me! How can I update his The three have been working on this project since to learn is time management, both in terms of programming? the fall of their junior year. Seeing how well they staying on top of the school’s heavy workload and Thanks, work together, one would have thought that they maintaining the business’ standards. Nights seem Brusquely Upset, Thanks, had been friends for a long time. Yet, in fact, they to be growing longer and longer: “We did not name Satisfaction Yearned, But Rather Obnoxious did not meet until their entrepreneur class that our company Midnight Madness Distilling for no Otherwise Decent Yarn Boyfriend Oblivious, semester. As a result of their different majors, reason,” Parzych said. Since Emotions eXcite Heckmann, Parzych, and Lorubbio have knowledge Dear BUSYBODY, Uninterest, Alterations and expertise in different areas, making them a The future is a great unknown for many graduating Likely diverse and solid team. This ability to cooperate seniors, but the trio is committed to further Easy now, let’s not start allowed them to found their company, Midnight building this company and developing not just throwing around heated Dear ROBOSEXUAL, Madness Distilling. Fortis, but future brands as well. While there are words like “recompense” many renowned competitors out there, Heckmann, when we don’t really mean it. Your boyfriend isn’t a robot. Fortis’ delicately sweet taste differentiates it from Parzych, and Lorubbio know that they are different Okay, so you were offended, He’s an engineer. Yes, the other brands, a result of its unique distilling process and really believe in their own products, which they and you found a joke off- two can be very difficult to with fair-trade, organic sugar cane. The team hope will lead to future success. putting. Why? Does it make tell apart. They both can members thought of the idea while researching light of a serious subject? Do seem cold and emotionless. possible grains to make vodka; they unanimously you just not like jokes at your Many tread the uncanny chose sugar cane due to its scrumptious taste and Amy Tsien | Junior Staffwriter expense? Take a moment valley. But while robots run individuality. and think about this. It’s a only on electricity, engineers little too easy nowadays to need electricity and While they were researching filtering methods, cry outrage and complain to Mountain Dew. the team also decided to invest in a carbon filter people in power when a joke simply didn’t land well. If you want to get your boyfriend to do what you If a joke actually was want, then you’re going to offensive, then I’m sure it need to brush up on those was not intended to be so skills from your required hurtful. Yes, many jokes are programming class and at peoples’ expenses. They write him a script (not the are also funny. It’s too easy drama kind). A few simple, for both the joker and the straightforward commands, butt of the joke to forget the preferably commands he people at either end. Let’s can enter into his phone not start a witch hunt unless as reminders. Then he’ll do someone really deserves it. exactly as you ask. But if we do, I’d rather be one of the people holding a Unless he throws a torch. runtime error, Patrick Hoskins This column isn’t funny because I’m all out of Need advice? Send queries jokes, to [email protected]. Patrick Hoskins

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons Carnegie Mellon seniors Doug Heckmann, Casey Parzych, and Anthony Lorubbio decided to invest in a carbon filter process for a smoother taste when developing their new vodka label, Fortis.

community pillbox 04.01.13 3 Wavves’ new album shows musical maturity Alt-rocker’s Afraid of Heights explores same themes with fresh perspective

“Growing up sucks.” collection (remember those?) in preparation for his Unlike 2010’s breakthrough hit King of the Beach, which band’s fifth outing, Afraid of Heights, released last sounded like it was recorded in your mom’s basement, This sentiment was all over the radio in the ‘90s when Tuesday on Mom+Pop records. Afraid of Heights features slick production that doesn’t bands like Nirvana, Radiohead, Weezer, and other polish away the rough edges. The greatly improved alt-rock misfits ruled the airwaves, but it has recently The record draws heavily from and pays homage to the production also coincides with forward leaps in song been lacking in much of newer popular music. That greats of punk and alternative music in both musical writing; Afraid of Heights is much more consistent than being said, Nathan Williams, who performs under the and lyrical style. Like those artists he emulates, Williams many of the previous Wavves outings. He indulges in name Wavves, clearly went back to his childhood CD writes songs about self-loathing, boredom, and a general spacey studio experimentation and loose song structure disdain for just about everything — but with melodic, at times — such as on “Mystic” and “Everything Is quiet verses and choruses with guitars and drums My Fault” — but as a whole, nearly every song sounds turned all the way up, they sound fun enough to shout focused and fully realized. along with the car windows down. On Afraid of Heights, Williams is just as full of Williams has been recording under the name Wavves self-loathing and boredom as before. But while on since 2008 with a rotating lineup of backing musicians. King of the Beach he sounded like he was having fun Along with Stephen Pope — the only other consistent not having fun, this time the stakes feel higher and member of the group — Williams recorded the the mood a little less carefree. Perhaps he’s grown up, entire fifth album himself and on his own dime. This and realized that the privilege of complaining about independence afforded the pair a great deal of freedom boredom doesn’t last forever. Afraid of Heights shows of exploration, as well as a great diversity in music styles a songwriter with enough perspective to look back but on the album. Album opener “Sail to the Sun” travels at also enough maturity to start looking forward — and breakneck speed with a flying guitar riff that brings you what he sees in both directions scares him (just listen all the way up, and then slams you back down before to the title track or the regret-filled rocker “That’s on you have a chance to catch your breath. “Dog,” on the Me”). In many ways, Afraid of Heights harkens back to a other hand, features haunting strings and calm acoustic time (the early-to-mid ’90s) when it seemed that being a guitars that, if it weren’t for Williams’s nasal vocal slacker counted as a full-time profession to anyone could delivery, would sound like an unreleased track from the make a career of it. But as Williams now seems to have Nirvana MTV Unplugged in New York performance. realized, we all have to grow up sometime.

Wavves, also known as Nathan Williams, draws on Joey Peiser | Junior Staffwriter punk and alternative music influences to produce a diverse new album, Afraid of Heights. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

music 4 pillbox 04.01.13 Web series reworks Austen characters The Lizzie Bennet Diaries applies Pride and Prejudice to the modern day with mixed success

“My name is Lizzie Bennet,” says the title character in One of its biggest successes is the character of Lydia But the greater issue lies in The Lizzie Bennet Diaries almost each and every episode of The Lizzie Bennet Bennet. In the novel, Lydia is silly, vapid, and vain. In as a retelling of Austen’s most famous novel. Pride and Diaries, usually followed by some clever catch phrase the web series, Lydia is a much more vibrant and living Prejudice is not a classic novel because of its improbable that sums up the episode. The 100th and final episode character. She’s still a party girl, but the series does not love story. How many other virtuous yet poor girls were should probably have begun with, “My name is Lizzie disregard her emotions. swept off their feet by rich men in Victorian literature? Bennet, and while this whole web series thing is And how many of them do we remember? awesome, this isn’t actually Pride and Prejudice.” However, Lydia’s modern equivalent of her trip to Brighton — New Years’ in Las Vegas — was where We remember Austen because she was one of the best The web series is an expanding form of media the characterization started to go wrong. The creators satirists in the English language. She created characters entertainment which entails posting videos to the turn the novel’s scandal — the unwed Lydia running that were the epitome of satirical wit: Mr. and Mrs. Internet, usually in a set of episodes. This style of away from home with a man — into an emotionally Bennet, Mr. Collins, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and even entertainment is relatively new, and has only had its abusive relationship. This male character isolates and Lizzie herself all represented different facets of Austen’s own form of awards — the Streamy Awards — since demoralizes Lydia in the web series, and then threatens own culture during that period. These characters are 2009. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is an adaptation of Jane to release an Internet video of the two of them having brilliantly written, funny, and memorable on multiple Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, a novel that follows Lizzie sex. levels, but they are not suitable for every age and period. Bennet as she struggles with social expectations for young women in early 19th-century Britain. These two situations are not simply two versions of Austen’s satire is timeless, but it is not applicable to scandal in two separate periods. Pride and Prejudice modern-day America. The differences between social The Lizzie Bennet Diaries was a fantastic idea. Creators Lydia chose her own course, in a way that Diaries norms, societal expectations, and personal hopes in early Bernie Su and Hank Green took a famous and well- Lydia does not. While Austen does not portray Lydia’s 19th-century England and early 21st-century America known tale and used it to experiment with web series, emotional state in Brighton — we only hear of it when are vast, and Austen’s humorous critique of the former a burgeoning form of entertainment. In their version, Lizzie does, after the fact — Lydia at least had agency does not apply to the latter. Austen satirizes a 19th- modern-day Lizzie Bennet uploads a video twice a week, in the novel. She chose to run away. There is a world of century phenomenon: the absolute need for women describing the events of her life and starring herself, difference between running away from home with a jerk to conform if they want to have financial and social her two sisters Jane and Lydia, and her best friend and being emotionally abused. When a woman in a novel stability. Though the creators do try to replicate Austen’s Charlotte Lu (Pride and Prejudice’s Charlotte Lucas.) The written in 1813 has more agency than a woman in a web restrictive world — mostly by having the Bennet girls Diaries are funny, light, and fun, especially in their initial series created in 2012, you have a problem. worry about college and financial security — the two episodes. situations just aren’t the same. Women today must deal with social expectations, of course, but their entire futures no longer rely on emulating such a strict ideal.

That being said, The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is a great example of what a web series can become. This new form of entertainment is one of the most interactive forms ever. Each of the characters in the series has his or her own Tumblr and Twitter accounts, updated regularly, and they each answer questions and comments in a variety of Q & A videos. The writers and creators of the show worked hard to make these characters as real and accessible as possible. While Pride and Prejudice may not have been the most judicious choice of a story to start out with, the web series genre has a bright future.

Chloe Thompson | Personnel Manager

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries can be found at http://www.lizziebennet.com.

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is an interactive web series that allows viewers to follow Lizzie on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and YouTube.

Screenshot courtesy of youtube.com

literature pillbox 04.01.13 5 Game of Thrones returns for third season The highly popular HBO series leaves viewers thirsting for more after exciting premiere

Warning: This article contains spoilers. and the screenplay is arguably the most compelling part Snow’s half-brother Robb Stark, in this episode he of the show. The story lines are so intricate that Martin continues to deal with the backlash from his mother’s Season three is coming — dark and full of terrors. And has even divulged key plot points from the last two decision to release their prime prisoner, Jaime Lannister most importantly, when you’re on Game of Thrones, you novels to the show’s creators, HBO’s David Benioff and (a.k.a. the Kingslayer) and march North back to their either win or you die. D.B. Weiss, in case something should happen to him home at Winterfell. before he is able to finish writing them. The long-anticipated release of the third and most recent In the Southern capital of Westeros, schemes and plots season of Game of Thrones aired last night on HBO. Few people had heard of the books, which are now continue to emerge: Tyrion, everyone’s favorite witty Since the end of season two, which aired in late May last bestsellers, until the release of the show. For a show ex-Hand of the King, deals with family and daddy issues year, the hype has only escalated recently. that’s just turning two years old, Game of Thrones — and as a result, he loses what little credibility he had has acquired a massive cult following. The story and managed to gain. Sansa Stark, daughter of poor dead The series, based upon the book series A Song of Ice characters have positively exploded in pop culture, Ned Stark, is offered an escape from her prison in King’s and Fire by American author George R. R. Martin, was flooding the Internet and garnering nods from TV shows Landing by Lord Baelish, the sneaky whorehouse owner launched in April 2011. Martin originally intended the like The Office and television personalities such as and banker of the king. The new queen, Margaery Tyrell, series to be a trilogy but has since decided to extend the Jon Stewart. At the end of season two, episodes were butts heads with her mother-in-law, Cersei — the letter- series to seven novels, all of which are about as thick attracting more than 10 million viewers, pushing the ripping former queen and mother of Joffery Barathan, the as encyclopedias. The novels, five of which have been show to the third-most popular in HBO’s history. worst human being to walk the Earth. released, follow characters whose stories are strewn with more plot twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Season three started last night with an episode entitled Across the Narrow Sea, the beautiful and badass “Valar Dohaeris.” In a horrifyingly stressful moment, the Daenerys Targaryen, faithful adviser Jorah Mormont, Because Martin is positively cruel with his characters, network’s online service, HBO Go, was overloaded by the and her three growing dragons procure a ship and sail to it’s impossible to say who the main characters are: Just amount of viewers trying to access the episode, which Astapor, a new location for viewers. In just one episode, as you’re getting used to following one, he or she dies. delayed viewers from watching. she deals with slave traders, a warlock attempting to As of the end of season two, the primary characters assassinate her, and an army of eunuchs. (knock on wood) included Daenerys Targaryen, a During the episode, the story lines of all the major platinum-haired mother of dragons; Jon Snow, a lord’s players were set up for yet another season of intrigue. All in all, the episode seems to focus on the schemes bastard who fights frozen zombies; Tyrion Lannister, a Jon Snow’s journey beyond the Wall continues, and we of King’s Landing, the dragon queen of Easteros, and clever dwarf with a family from hell; and Robb Stark, an finally met Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall and the horrifying terrors of the frozen wasteland beyond accidental candidate for king who leads an army. On the a new key player. the Wall, leaving viewers both satisfied and curious for continents Westeros and Easteros, storms are brewing the season that will continue to unfold over the next 10 over who will take over the throne, and from there, a It was clear from this episode that the drama beyond weeks. plethora of problems ensue. the Wall, which involves not only a rebellion of Wildings but an army of the frozen undead, will be a significant The amount of detail that goes into writing the novels portion of the season. Though not much was seen of Laura Scherb | Assistant Pillbox Editor

television 6 pillbox 04.01.13 Spring Breakers proves wildly entertaining James Franco and Gucci Mane bring college-age debauchery to the big screen

If you love spring break, partying, and Britney Spears, Clad with absurdly questionable tattoos, grills, and of Project X and Girls Gone Wild. Neither is it an go watch Spring Breakers now. If you hate spring break, cornrows, Franco decides to take these four girls — who exploitation of Disney stars. The film makes a very partying, and Britney Spears, go watch Spring Breakers seem too dazed to be suspicious of the fact that he is a dark transformation from a crowd-pleasing party to a now. Go straight to the nearest theater playing it. Even if dangerous drug dealer — under his wing. The exception dark underworld of reckless violence. Also, the “spring that means taking the 61D all the way to the Waterfront is Gomez’s character Faith, who somewhat serves as breakers” themselves are very entertaining and carry in this endlessly miserable Pittsburgh weather, it’s time the moral compass of the posse. But when Franco plays the film well enough to defy expectations; they make better spent than sitting in your bed whilst having a Britney Spears’ “Everytime” for the girls on his grand debauchery seem like an acceptable art form for cinema. Vampire Diaries marathon with a jar of Nutella in your piano, it is enough to win everyone’s trust and love. hands. Never for one second will you be bored watching Another great reason to watch this movie is rapper Spring Breakers — and I don’t mean that the director Spring Breakers is the latest project by controversial Gucci Mane, who stars as rival drug dealer Big Arch. continually tries to shove things down the movie-making director Harmony Korine. Selena Gomez, Vanessa The man wouldn’t even take off his ice cream cone machine so as not to lose your attention. Spring Breakers Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and the otherwise-obscure chains for the movie — but I suppose that it helped is a believable-yet-fantastical portrayal of four girls who Rachel Korine (wife of the director) star as four bored bring out his character. The rapper honestly didn’t even decide to flirt with the dangers of being young, wild, and college girls who just want to have fun. However, their have to act; he was method acting even more than free. You’ll either love it or hate it, and probably for the idea of fun entails stealing a car to rob a local Chicken Franco simply by impersonating himself. I guess that’s same reasons. Either way, it’s unlike anything you’ve Shack, going to insane parties, and getting tied up with all you can ask from a fading rapper clutching at his last seen before, and that alone is worth a trip to the movies. some messy drug dealers. James Franco plays one such minutes of fame by the chains. drug dealer named Alien who is incredibly suspicious, yet declares himself a “gangster with a heart of gold.” But don’t assume this is a just a vapid intersection Andie Park | Junior Staffwriter

dollarmovie McConomy Auditorium, University Center Matthew Zurcher | Staffwriter

Hyde Park on Hudson Lincoln Les Misérables West Side Story Thursday, April 4 Friday, April 5 Saturday, April 6 Sunday, April 7 9:30 11 9:30 12:30 9:30 12:30 7 10

Remember your high school history This is like your high school history Everyone knows the songs and the This is one of the all-time great textbook? Remember those little boxes textbook if it were written by William story. This most recent adaptation of Hollywood musical productions. Of on the side that kept the reading from Shakespeare and narrated by Morgan the famous musical has garnered a lot course, when you’re adapting material becoming too tedious? Hyde Park Freeman. Daniel Day-Lewis turns in an of praise for its supposedly admirable like this — Leonard Bernstein’s score on Hudson is one of those boxes. Bill unsurprisingly virtuosic performance as decision to record the singing live. and Stephen Sondheim’s lyrics — it’s Murray portrays President Franklin our 16th president, for which he won his Unfortunately, the cast of movie stars hard to screw up. But this colorful Delano Roosevelt during a 1939 third Academy Award. The screenplay, are clearly not trained for the stage. masterpiece is a delight from front to weekend getaway with his mistress written by celebrated playwright Tony Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe back, swaying effortlessly between and the King and Queen of England. Kushner, is immaculate, documenting shout through their roles, everything at emotional ranges. The singing and Those who enjoyed The King’s Speech a few months leading up to the absolute full volume. The fact that Anne dancing never falter and the production will probably find something interesting passing of the Thirteenth Amendment. Hathaway and Samantha Barks are able design is something to behold: New here. Spielberg’s direction seems appropriate to transcend this veritable disaster in York rendered in gleaming, vivid as well, highlighting the detail of the brief roles is a testament to their talent. Technicolor. extraordinary process.

film pillbox 04.01.13 7 Another work that features audience involvement is “Borderland” by Craig Fahner, an installation with coal- MFA students showcase their creations filled jars and speakers hanging from the ceiling. The coal serves as radio antennae that change the wave they The Miller Gallery hosts Basement Miracle, the 2013 master of fine arts thesis exhibition broadcast depending on how far away they are from someone.

According to Fahner, the piece was inspired by the by Xiyu Wang | Staffwriter [ ] National Radio Quiet Zone in West Virginia, an area where any device emitting radio waves is illegal due to There is an alien world in the subterranean depths the black hole research conducted there. On creating of Doherty Hall, a world in which fine arts students the piece, Fahner said, “It took a long time to finish. I feverishly try to imbue their creations with artistic spirit. planned it in October and I designed the software and Last week, a chunk of that world was excavated for the electronics for it. It was a long process, but the School of rest of campus to see. Art had a lot of resources I was able to use to make my own circuit.” Basement Miracle, the 2013 master of fine arts thesis exhibition, opened last Friday in the Miller Gallery in Some works involve neither intricate engineering nor the Purnell Center for the Arts. The MFA thesis exhibit, complicated technology but are effective nonetheless. organized annually by the School of Art, features the Steve Gurysh’s “The Long Cloud,” for example, is a work of graduating master of fine arts students and offers Geiger meter clicking away before a picture of a patch of an opportunity for the students to display their work in a desert. It is a simple but nonetheless haunting piece that professional gallery exhibition open to the public. conveys the dangers involved in nuclear technology.

The exhibit, which consists mainly of sculptures and The third floor only showcases two works, and therefore, installations, spans all three floors of the Miller Gallery. there is not as much of a theme. However, the works

The works use a variety of media and touch upon many themselves were still highly interesting. Dan Wilcox’s Kate Groschner | Photo Editor different subjects, although there are some common Kate Groschner | Photo Editor “Onward to Mars” featured photographs that Wilcox took themes such as the integration of technology and With a simple Geiger meter and an image of the desert, Steve Gurysh’s “The Long Cloud” eerily conveys the during his time at the Mars Desert Research Station, science. The exhibition draws a sizable crowd of both consequences of nuclear technology. where he spent two weeks on a simulated Mars mission, Carnegie Mellon students and the greater public. as well as a book he made documenting his thoughts at the time. The first floor of the exhibit showcases an installation by The second floor seems to have a broad theme of a contraption that rotates a liquor bottle in a wooden Erin Womack called “Guardian of the Threshold,” which technology and industrialization. All of the works on this frame. “Aqua Vitae” displays lab materials such as According to Wilcox, “I was always interested in Mars consists of a dark room with a shifting face projected floor feature the use of machinery or engineering. beakers and bottles of chemical compounds. and I read all kinds of books about it. But these were all onto the screen and three African masks protruding out from a macro perspective, and I wanted to see what it’s of the back of the room. The face, demonic in nature, Luke Loeffler’s works “Bug Out” and “Aqua Vitae” deal “Aqua Vitae” also showcases recordings of deep sea like for an everyday person to do work and live on Mars.” changes in sync to the constant throbs of music in the with the politics of alcohol and seem designed to give off vents and three fish swimming in a sink. According background, creating a tense mood throughout the room. an industrial aesthetic. “Bug Out,” for example, features to Loeffler, “in some cultures alcohol is considered Finally, one of the most visually stunning installations the water of life. The ocean is also thought of as the in the exhibit is Scott Andrew’s “Gilding the Lily,” an birthplace of life, especially deep sea vents. In this piece installation filled with elaborately designed oval “mirrors” I’m conflating these two things, and I’m confronting the that show projections of surreal glam monsters. These stereotypes of moonshiners.” mirrors, which are also outfitted with speakers, all play at the same time, combining to create a sound akin to In addition to machines and contraptions, many of the chanting. This chanting, together with the fantastic works allow for audience participation as well. images, makes viewers feel as if they are stepping into “(Un)bound”, by Felipe Castelblanco, for example, some sort of Buddhist Narnia. features an air compressor and a device that packages air, allowing viewers to pack and take home their own “Gilding the Lily” is actually a self-portrait, expressing boxes of air. Andrew’s interests in dance, ideas of gender, and sci-fi/ fantasy genres. It is also a reflection of the work he has Castelblanco described the idea behind the piece: “I done over the years. As he explained, “I have been doing was interested in air as public space that is becoming a combination of performance and installations, and I privatized and controlled; even this very common thing, have a blend of video and sculpture in this piece. Also, I air, is not equally distributed,” he said. “Some air is usually work with performers, but in this I performed as polluted and some air is fresh. This looks at the world all the characters.” and politics, and what created this social structure.” Although it features few works from only seven artists, Braden Kelner | Forum Editor Braden Kelner | Forum Editor Basement Miracle is certainly worth browsing for the sheer originality and variety of subject matter that Top: “Borderland” by Craig Fahner experiments with radio frequencies through an installation of hanging speak- it offers. Combining different designs, technologies, ers and coal-filled jars. Left: Luke Loeffler’s “Bug Out” discourages alcohol consumption by holding a bottle Far left: In “Onward to Mars,” Dan Wilcox “counted and a diverse range of backgrounds and experiences, of liquor in a threatening contraption. Right: Scott Andrew’s “Gilding the Lily” features intricate “mirrors” that down” to his trip to Mars. Left: “The Drift” described Basement Miracle comes together to be something that reflect grotesque images of monsters. a project in which seven artists collaborated to explore is unique to Carnegie Mellon. Pittsburgh-area rivers and waterfronts. Kate Groschner | Photo Editor Kate Groschner | Photo Editor

feature feature 8 pillbox 04.01.13 pillbox 04.01.13 9 Did you know? CMOA shows intricate prints Japan Is the Key... is more thought provoking than eye catching The varsity basketball team competes at its final away games against Geneva College and Westinghouse this week. Tucked away in a side gallery on the second page to represent sheets of rain obscuring a view of 100 The team is confident that it can win years ago floor, Japan Is the Key… is a small and seemingly the mountain. these final two games and excited nondescript new exhibit at the Carnegie Museum March 6, 1913 about a successful season overall. The of Art. The exhibit, which opened last Saturday, Within the exhibit, there are two distinct categories: athletes encourage everyone to come features Japanese color woodblock prints, landscapes that provide wide, sweeping views of out to these final games. watercolors, and ivory figurines made in the first half mountains and lakes, and closer snapshots of human of the 19th century. life (usually women). Despite the repetition within these categories — one can only look at so many Red and silver parking meters go up all Although the exhibit is fairly small — filling prints of Mount Fuji — the subject matter is perhaps over campus, most notably near Skibo only three small rooms — it probably could have the most thought-provoking dimension to the 50 Gymnasium and on Margaret Morrison been condensed further. The exhibit is largely exhibit. Considering the time period during which years ago Street. Students are reminded that homogenous, mostly because nearly all of the works they were made, some of the pieces are surprisingly the Donner Hall lot is only open during are from the same time period and use the same satirical and suggestive. Kitagawa Utamaro’s “The March 27, 1963 sporting events and that cars parked in medium. Oftentimes, the walls are lined with a long Four Accomplishments,” for example, is a parody the lot at any other time will be towed series of works by the same artist. Aside from the of classical painting style that depicts courtesans at the owner’s expense. occasional watercolor and the small ivory collection in an Edo pleasure house, many of them in playfully in centrally placed display cases, the works almost suggestive poses. exclusively consist of color woodblock prints. Even Apple, Inc. hosts an event titled the color palette of pale reds and sea blues is very These kinds of pieces clash with our highly StraightTalk to discuss software design similar from print to print. traditional and hierarchical understanding of 25 with current students. The event is the feudal Japan, and challenge us to reassess our years ago first of its kind on any college campus. The exception is a striking series of taller, narrower understanding of the role of art in 19th-century Students have the chance to show off prints by Torii Kiyonaga and Tamagawa Shucho that Japan. Though on the surface, these prints may look March 22, 1988 their original software and listen to a line the middle room. Looking closer, the subjects repetitive and bland, a few of them make playful lecture by Apple systems engineer Paul of the prints look oddly cut off, like badly cropped artistic commentary that is easy to overlook. Hudspeth. Facebook profile pictures. Still, from afar, the sharply vertical shape makes these prints the most visually In this way, Japan Is the Key… requires more captivating pieces in the exhibit. patience and willingness to think than many art The April Fools’ issue of The Tartan exhibits. These pieces won’t grab your attention gives a satirical report from the Housing Though the exhibit is not the most eye-catching or right away; in fact, they may bore you after a while. and Dining Office. In a false interview diverse overall, there is beauty to be found in these Japan Is the Key… is not for museum goers who 10 pieces through the technique and level of detail want to breeze through an exhibit; it requires a years ago with the Neil Binstock, the liaison to Parkhurst (think 1980s CulinArt), said, used to create them. Even centuries later, the lines closer, more careful look and a viewer who is willing April 1, 2003 “we’ve completely revamped our vision of the prints are crisp and precise, and the colors to search for the hidden value in a work of art. to include food that can be eaten, fade exquisitely and seamlessly across the paper. digested, and eventually converted into A particularly striking example of intricate, pristine waste matter.” printmaking is “Night Rain at Oyama” by Utagawa Rachel Cohen | Pillbox Editor Toyokuni II, which streaks diagonal lines across the Senator Barack Obama visits Pittsburgh at Soldiers & Sailors Memorial Hall just two weeks after years5 ago Senator Hillary Clinton came to Pennsylvania. The event sells out March 31, 2008 and Obama speaks about education, renewable energy, and the importance of public service and college students.

A busy week of theft and alcohol amnesty filled the Campus Crime and Incident Report. A car was stolen from year1 ago the Morewood parking lot, and a DUI was issued on Forbes Avenue near the April 2, 2012 University Center turnaround after the driver blew out a front tire while leaving the parking lot. Rachel Cohen | Pillbox Editor Catherine Spence | Staffwriter Japan Is the Key... encourages museum visitors to write haikus inspired by the exhibit.

art 10 pillbox 04.01.13 Piled Higher and Deeper by Jorge Cham

[email protected] phdcomics.com

Crinkled Comics by Juan Fernandez

[email protected] crinkledcomics.com comics pillbox 04.01.13 11 Poorly Drawn Lines by Reza Farazmand

[email protected] poorlydrawnlines.com

Sittin’ on the Fence by Charlie Shulman and Kairavi Chahal

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comics 12pillbox 04.01.13 Sudoku Puzzle: Medium Difficulty Kakuro Puzzle: Hard Difficulty

Sudoku courtesy of Kakuro courtesy of www.KrazyDad.com www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ Fill all empty squares using numbers 1 to 9 so the sum of each row equals the clue on its left, and the sum of each column equals the clue on its top. No number may be used in the same row or column more than once.

Solutions from Mar. 25

Crossword Very Hard Difficulty Easy Difficulty

puzzles pillbox 04.01.13 13 Magic-8-Ball-oscopes aries Very doubtful. march 21–april 19

taurus Signs point to yes. april 20–may 20

gemini Outlook good. may 21–june 21

cancer Don’t count on it. june 22–july 22

leo Better not tell you now. july 23–aug. 22 Crossword courtesy of BestCrosswords.com

Across Down virgo It is certain. 1. Skier’s transport 1. Math branch aug. 23–sept. 22 5. Like the Gobi 2. Osso ___ 9. Bellowing 3. In the sack 14. Hick 4. Radiance 15. Prom wheels 5. Nearly Yes. 16. “Our Gang” girl 6. ___ Janeiro libra 17. Chilled 7. “___ Believer” (Monkees hit) sept. 23–oct. 22 18. Grumble 8. “___ you dare!” 19. Broadcaster 9. Sayings 20. Divinity 10. Inveigh against 22. Catchword 11. Hatch on the Hill scorpio Outlook not so good. 24. Ultimatum word 12. Coeur d’___ 25. Less fatty 13. Less common oct. 23–nov. 21 26. Blue coloring 21. Stan’s pal 29. Damp 23. Extraterrestrial 31. Valuable violin 26. Money 32. Racer Yarborough 27. Cut out sagittarius Concentrate and ask again. 33. Bus. card info 28. Prohibits 36. Sloth, e.g. 29. Waterlogged soil nov. 22–dec. 21 37. Ear ornament 30. Potpourri 40. Devoured 32. Gator’s cousin 41. Elevs. 33. 27th president of the U.S 42. Indifferent 34. Words to Brutus capricorn Without a doubt. 43. Floating platforms 35. Not as much dec. 22–jan. 19 45. Pertaining to the Netherlands 38. Late bloomer 47. Desert plant 39. Chart 48. “Honor Thy Father” author 44. Vinegary 51. Record 45. Slander 52. Sea north of Australia 46. Unfair lender aquarius Reply hazy, try again. 54. Smoker’s receptacle 47. Redeem jan. 20–feb. 18 58. Rod used to reinforce concrete 48. Gogol’s “___ Bulba” 59. ___ browns 49. Where the action is 61. Vintner’s prefix 50. Father of Leah and Rachel 62. Make ___ for oneself 51. Flavor 63. Play opener 53. Cries of discovery pisces My reply is no. 64. Catch 55. Actress Sofer feb. 19–march 20 65. Less loony 56. Med school subj. 66. Type of gun 57. Indian exercise method Kairavi Chahal | Comics Editor 67. I could ___ horse! 60. Do one’s part?

horoscopes 14pillbox 04.01.13 MONDAY4.1.13 Purity Ring with Blue Hawaii. Mr. Small’s Theatre. 8 CMU International Film Festival. McConomy p.m. Auditorium. Through April 13. Hey Marseilles. The Underground. 7 p.m. Electronic pop groups Purity Ring and Blue Hawaii Sponsored by the Humanities Center, the Carnegie Seattle-based indie folk band Hey Marseilles will perform will perform at Mr. Small’s Theatre in Millvale. More Mellon International Film Festival presents “Faces of at The Underground in a concert sponsored by AB information and tickets can be found at mrsmalls.com. Media.” This year’s festival features Pittsburgh-premiere Underground. The concert is free and open to the public. screenings of over a dozen award-winning films from all FRIDAY4.5.13 over the world. More information on the festival, including TUESDAY4.2.13 information about tickets and screenings, can be found at Cured! featuring Pittsburgh Track Authority. Remedy. cmu.edu/faces. Allan Chochinov lecture. Margaret Morrison A14. 10 p.m. 5 p.m. Local electronic group Pittsburgh Track Authority will Basement Miracle: 2013 MFA Thesis Exhibition. Designer, journalist, and educator Allan Chochinov will play a DJ set at this month’s Cured! at Remedy in Miller Gallery. Through April 21. give a lecture as part of the School of Design lecture Lawrenceville. The event costs $3 at the door and is 21+. Master of Fine Arts candidates Scott Andrew, Felipe series “How Do You Design the Future?” The lecture is Castelblanco, Craig Fahner, Steve Gurysh, Luke Loeffler, free and open to the public. SATURDAY4.6.13 Dan Wilcox, and Erin Womack present final work in their thesis exhibition. More information is available at WEDNESDAY4.3.13 Miracles of Modern Science. The Underground. 7 p.m. millergallery.cfa.cmu.edu. Indie pop band Miracles of Modern Science will play a Open Mic Night. Skibo Café. 6 p.m. concert at The Underground, hosted by AB Underground. Regarding Warhol: Sixty Artists, Fifty Years. AB Skibo presents Open Mic Night at Skibo Café. The The Brooklyn-based group creates unique music featuring The Andy Warhol Museum. Through April 28. event is free and open to the public. a double bass, a cello, a mandolin, and a violin. The The Andy Warhol Museum celebrates the 50th concert is free and open to the public. anniversary of Warhol’s famous “Campbell’s Soup Cans” Carnegie Mellon Philharmonic and Choirs Concert. with contemporary Warhol-inspired pieces and works by Carnegie Music Hall. 8 p.m. Zola Jesus. CFA Lawn. 8 p.m. the pop art visionary himself. Admission to the museum is The Carnegie Mellon Philharmonic and Choirs will perform Electronic darkwave singer-songwriter Zola Jesus will free for Carnegie Mellon students. Anton Bruckner’s Te Deum and Robert Schumann’s perform on the CFA Lawn in a concert presented by AB Symphony No. 4. Ticket information can be found at Coffeehouse. Jesus’ most recent album Conatus was What We Collect: Recent Art Acquisitions, 2007– music.cmu.edu. released in 2011 and met with highly positive reviews. The 2012. Hunt Library, Fifth Floor. Through June 30. concert is free and open to the public. The rain location The Hunt Institute for Botanical Documentation presents THURSDAY4.4.13 will be Wiegand Gymnasium. an exhibition of recent acquisitions to the art department, from the early 19th century to the present. More wats:ON? Festival 2013: NOISE. College of Fine Arts ONGOING information on the exhibit is available at Building. Through April 7. huntbot.andrew.cmu.edu/HIBD. The annual three-day architecture festival returns to Power Pixels. Wood Street Galleries. Through April 7. Carnegie Mellon, this year exploring the realm of noise The Wood Street Galleries are hosting an exhibit by visual through analog, digital, and apparatus-enhanced sound- artist Miguel Chevalier that features two self-generative Compiled by Allison Cosby | Contributing Editor music performances. The festival celebrates the life and video installations. More information and gallery hours are work of architect, artist, and teacher Jill Watson. More available at woodstreetgalleries.org. Want your event here? information, including the full weekend schedule, can be Email [email protected]. found at watsonfestival.org.

calendar pillbox 04.01.13 15 passover.

Jonathan Leung | Assistant Photo Editor In honor of Passover, the Jewish Student Association hosted a chocolate seder in UC Peter / Wright / McKenna last Thursday. In lieu of traditional foods at the ritual meal, the event offered chocolaty treats, like matzah s’mores, for students.

gallery 16pillbox 04.01.13