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volume 8 - issue 13- tuesday, december 7, 2010 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com vanessa denino by leamclellan When the apocalypse comes, you will probably notice. But just in case you have your head stuck up your… your nose stuck in a book, then the water tower has compiled a list of occurrences that are very likely to take place in the event of an It’s difficult to know exactly when it Church Street. “My very bones I say!” he thing called ‘pestilence’ killed all of my all-out, Judgment Day type of emergency. will happen, but the latest predictions tell yelled emphatically to anyone who would livestock and I don’t know what that even us that the apocalypse will begin roughly listen. means!!” said Weener as she ran off into - All campus coffee destinations will stop around next week at 3 am, the night before Jeb wasn’t the only one feeling the the distance, crying hysterically. serving hot coffee. Only iced. Not the your scariest final. effects of impending disaster. Susie Weener’s testimony only solidifies Jeb’s worst thing that could happen, but why?? Don’t act so surprised. You know that Weener, a junior in the Colleges of Arts powerful hunch: the end is near. Students - No. Wi-Fi. Anywhere. Try Cat Paws, try sneaking, sinking feeling you have had and Sciences, is a firm beleiver that like Weener have taken refuge in Bailey UVM, try UVM Guest—nothing. lately? The one that tells you that this time, doomsday is near. Unlike Jeb’s vague but Howe, in an attempt to wait out the storm. - Your Adderall will have the same bodily you’re just not going to make it through intense feelings about the apocalypse, The library may seem like the appropri- effects as a six pack of warm beer. finals week? That you might Weener has actually experienced its hor- ate place to seek a safe haven during finals - You will run out of clean undies and not actually implode if you spend another find time to do laundry. hour in the library? You’re not being - The Marche will discontinue their dramatic or unreasonable. Something much more sinister famous macaroni and cheese. You You may actually implode. will lose three pounds. The Finals Apocalypse will start slowly. than a few all-nighters is in - Ben & Jerry’s will run out of every Maybe you will stay up studying a little flavor…except Mission to Marzipan. later than normal and feel a little drowsy store for the coming weeks. Gross :( the next day. Maybe one day you will - Little chicken wings will literally flutter rifying consequences first-hand. week, but we must warn you: this is where over Burlington and poop BBQ sauce on decide to drink three cups of coffee instead “I thought that the stress I was under the worst of the plagues will strike first. of two. Perhaps you will be overcome by your head. was more or less normal. I have two finals “Yeah, you guys probably shouldn’t - Swine Flu will make a raging comeback an inexplicable feeling of hopelessnes that and three huge research papers to write, come here,” said Elma the librarian. “Some will cause you to stay up until 2 am watch- and you will forget to wash your hands. so I was feeling pretty overwhelmed,” ex- really odd shit is going down,” she com- - People will have conversations using ing low-budget murder mysteries instead plained Weener. However, Weener soon mented. Shortly after we spoke, a swarm of writing that essay you no longer give a their “inside voices” in the Dana Library... realized that something much more sinis- of locusts descended upon her and ate a as if it was normal. shit about. ter than a few all-nighters was in store for five-dollar cheese and cracker Cyber Cafe But those things are all just normal the coming weeks. snack directly from her hand. reactions to finals week, right? Wrong. So stop studying. Go get yourself a “All these strange things started The wt urges you to take these beer. If you are underage, perhaps a cool, This finals week is destined to be much, happening,” she continued. “This river warnings of imminent disaster seriously. much different. crisp Mountain Dew would be nice. Relax. by my house, like, turned to blood. And We certainly are. We’re all going down anyway. “I feel it down deep in my very bones!” then I got this really big zit in my T-zone said Jeb, a vagrant who hangs out on that turned out to be a boil...and then this news reflections tunes advertise for your prince william is get- club or organization with ting married: why you beardvember it came from the the water tower. we’re internet shouldn’t care results cheaper than the other guys. by bendonovan by jeremyklein [email protected] by bendonovan We Americans can be rather ill-in- Middle-class,” and mocking the fact that head of state of a major world power? the media continue to follow them around formed at times about world affairs. That’s her parents, though self-made million- Queen Elizabeth’s official title begins with as if they’ve done something important? hardly a secret. Important events--we’re aires, are not of noble lineage--because “Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the The British royal family should be irrel- talking profound geopolitical machina- apparently in the snobbish, stiff-assed, Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland evant in any modern society. They have tions that will alter the course of history- anachronistic imperial-age holdover that and the British Dominions beyond the done nothing to warrant their fame, save -often pass right over our heads while is the United Kingdom of Great Britain Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith, Duch- for happening, by accident, to be born into we’re busy watching reality TV shows or and Northern Ireland, earning one’s own ess of Edinburgh, Countess of Merioneth, this bizarre institution. They’re like the “tweeting,” whatever that is. wealth is considered inherently inferior to Baroness Greenwich, Duke of Lancaster, Kardashians on crack. But then there are times when we be- being born into money and titles. Lord of Mann, Duke of Normandy, Sov- Perhaps the Brits deserve a break; they come captivated by stories from abroad Which brings us to the crux of the ereign of the Most Honorable Order of the are an empire in decline, after all, and I that genuinely do not matter. At all. To matter: why does anybody care about Garter, Sovereign of the Most Honorable suppose they can be allowed their quirky anyone. This is one of those stories. these people? Why does Britain still have Order of Bath, Sovereign of the Most An- nostalgic indulgences. Plus, they don’t get As you’ve all heard by now, Prince Wil- a monarchy to begin with? Why does a cient and Most Noble Order of the This- a lot of sun, which can make anybody a liam of Wales is getting married next year first-world nation, ostensibly full of ratio- tle...” and continues on in like fashion for little loopy. We Yanks have no such ex- to long-time girlfriend (and hands-down nal adults, still cling to the ancient, ante- several paragraphs, reading more like the cuses. The world is too complicated, and bombshell) Kate Middleton. It’s been the diluvian belief that a nice old lady named minutes of a Dungeons and Dragons con- life much too short, to be paying attention talk of both sides of the pond these past Elizabeth and her buck-toothed, inbred vention than the title of someone officially to people of absolutely no consequence. few weeks, dominating not just the usual children are somehow imbued with magi- at the head of a nation with nuclear weap- There are real news stories to read, real life Dear water tower, celebrity gossip magazines but legitimate cal powers, simply by virtue of their shaky ons and the sixth-largest economy on the experiences to be had, and real relation- We are writing in support of the SGA Boycott of Course Evaluations. We news channels too. This is very important, descent from William the Conqueror? planet. ships to be made and broken. But if you propose that classes are more than merely numbers. We believe in the move- Hey kiddies and cuties! we’re told, because this is the first time in One must, at some point, begin to ques- Now to be fair, the British monarchy can’t bring yourself to give up mindless ment towards a constructive comment-based evaluation program. We agree the British Monarchy’s history that the tion the basic sanity of the British people, no longer has any real power. No British celebrity worship, well, at least stick closer that students’ comments are their intellectual property, and therefore should Congratulations on making it through another semester! Thewt , like all of you I am second-in-line heir to the throne is mar- for the continued survival of such an an- monarch has exercised real executive au- to home. Gossip about American celebri- be publishable. Establishing such a system will enable and empower students to sure, has had its share of highs and lows. Since we strategically and systematically block rying a commoner. It’s even created a mi- tiquated and downright silly institution thority since the eighteenth century. But ties. I hear one of the Jonas Brothers just make more informed decisions during the registration process.

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