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Issue 1,460 10 ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Taking the plunge This week... Business for Engineers exam Life after Imperial isn’t all about investment banking; halted due to ‘clerical error’ is starting up your own business a real alternative? See pages 10 & 11

Although there are no grand plans, Alex Kendall will be a No frills News, Page 3 breath of fresh air as Union

President next year. Contemporary art at President See pages 4 & 5 Somerset House

Arts, Page 13

Remixing cultures: Hip-hop and samurai

Music, Page 18

No expenses: see the world without a wallet

Travel, Page 22 2 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 News Editor Kadhim Shubber NEWS [email protected] DPE nominations open The world beyond RRoxox MMiddletoniddleton

You may have thought you’d finished with elections after yesterday, but ac- College walls tually you have yet another chance to exercise your democratic right and guide the direction of Union life. Yes, after the excitement of the Union sab- batical elections, we have entered an- other set, the aptly named ‘Summer elections’. Nominations have opened for nine official positions which will involve their elected nominee in the Mexico running of Union in a gamut of ways for next year. As well as four positions regularly leanup efforts progressed in the oil spill which has been re- elected in the Summer elections, chairs leasing 5,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico. of RAG, CAG and the Council as well C as Equal Opportunities officer, nomi- The safety record of Transocean, the Swiss-based firm con- nations are open for three students to tracted by BP to drill has been brought into question: last year, the com- inaugurate the brand spanking new pany’s board did not award bonuses to its executives because of safety Ents Committee, which will convene concerns. As the owner of the oil in question, BP stands to be liable throughout the year to review and im- for what is estimated to be a $10 billion cleanup effort; its market capi- prove Union Entertainment. talisation has dropped by over $30 billion in trading. The company has RAG and CAG chairs are respon- sible for leading two of the Union’s procured one third of the world’s available dispersants and has already leading charitable societies, Raising deployed over 600,000 litres into the Gulf and on Wednesday announced and Giving, which organises fundrais- that it closed one of the three leak points, which is a significant milestone ing events throughout the year, and but does not affect the rate of oil spillage. Komsomoloskaya Pravda, Community Action Group, which or- Russia’s best-selling daily newspaper, published an article recommend- ganises charitable events and services ing that BP employ a Soviet-era tactic of closing the wells through the in London. The Council chair has detonation of atomic weapons. Significant concern has been raised by an important role in hosting Union environmentalists about the impact of the presence of oil and dispersants committee meetings which formulate on the ecosystem of the gulf. council policy. The Equal Opportuni- Another chance to make the Union your home, workplace and life... ties Officer is responsible for promot- ing equal opportunities within Impe- rial by working closely with sabbatical sponsible for making sure students’ be seconded by ten or twenty others. officers, particularly Deputy Presi- voices are heard by the College about Nominations close on 17th May, in Greece & Germany dent (Welfare) the incumbent Vicki their academic life. ten days time. Hustings will be held Masding. More detail about standing for one on the 20th at 6.30pm in daVinci’s and Nominations will also be re-opened of these responsibilities can be found voting will be open to everyone online urope is at a crossroads. This is about no more and no less for one more Student trustee to stand on the Union website, along with in- from 24th to the 27th May. The re- than the future of Europe and about Germany’s future in alongside the three elected last term, formation about running a campaign, sults will be announced the next day. Europe, German Chancellor Angela Merkel pronounced on and finally Deputy President (Edu- the stringent publicity regulations Wednesday regarding the Greek financial crisis. cation) a paid, sabbatical position and the timetable for the election E which was left empty by Meera Gane- process. Any member of the Union Merkel and the architects of the bailout package due to be put in place shadevan’s recent resignation. This is can stand and to do so they must To stand, visit next week are facing doubts from investors over whether the 110 billion the sabbatical officer who will be re- put themselves forward online and imperialcollegeunion.org/vote Euro bailout will work. Meanwhile, questions are being raised over the consequences if the Greek government does not meet austerity measures 07 demanded as a condition of the loans. European leaders insist that the Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. loan package will be revoked if the agreed conditions are not met; how- .

Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, 05 ever, the EU’s willingness to enforce such rules is unclear because no Euro Meadow Road, Derby, DE1 2BH Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. member has, to date, incurred penalties as should have happened under Jigsaw font by typotheque.com. the 1996 Stability Pact, an agreement that specifies rules and fines for 1,460 . felix 10 Euro member government spending. Meanwhile, on Wednesday, the cri- sis took a human toll on as rioters in Athens set fire to a bank building. Three employees were killed. This issue of felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Prowling Deputy Editor Copy Chief Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti Cuba Assistant Editors Business Editor Music Editors Politics Editors: Jovan Nedić Sina Ataherian Kadhim Shubber James Goldsack Charlotte Morris Alex Ashford Katya-yani Vyas uba has announced plans to lure more investment into its International Editor Luke Turner James Lees tourism industry by allowing foreign firms to build attrac- News Editor Tom Greany tions there. Kadhim Shubber Comment Editors Travel Editor C Film Editor Ravi Pall Dylan Lowe Clubs and Socs Editor The Cuban government generally doesn’t allow foreigners to own News Reporters Ed Knock Charlotte Morris Alex Kendall property, but is willing to provide long term leases to firms will- Rox Middleton Coffee Break Editor ing to build golf courses and other attractions. Cuba currently has Joanna Cai Technology Editor Science Editors Charles Murdoch Feature Editor Alex Karapetian Samuel Gibbs Brigette Atkins Afonso Campos one golf course, but the government hopes to build ten more with Alice Rowlands Nathan Ley Puzzles Captain foreign investment. Previous attempts by the Cuban government Sports Editors Sean Farres to raise funds through real estate sales in the 1990s led to lacklus- Layout Editors Mustapher Botchway What’s On Editor Rox Middleton ter results. At the same time of announcing the new real estate Carlos Karingal David Wilson Ziggi Szafranski Photography Matt Colvin plan, the Cuban government announced its worst sugar harvest in Holly Farrer Indy Leclercq Ben Smith Lizzy Griffiths a century. Arts Editors Alex Karapetian Ayyub Kamaludin Online Editors Fashion Editor Caz Knight Jamie Beal Ravi Pall Kawai Wong Rosie Milton Catnip Editor Richard Howard By Tom Greany Chris Birkett Saskia Verhagen Lucy Harrold Rhys Davies Stefan Zeeman felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 3 NEWS Printing error halts business exam 3rd year Chem. Engineers criticise Business School after exam is cancelled after 5 minutes, Matt Colvin reports

hemical engineers have been left fuming this week after a printing blunder in C their exam papers led to mass confusion and ur- gent rescheduling. On Thursday 29th April, 3rd year students were due to take the ‘Business for Engineers’ (BfE) multiple choice exam from 10am to 12pm. However, candidates found themselves bewil- dered when their papers listed a choice of three exam numbers to note down on answer sheets. Invigilators were then almost immediately notified that the majority of the papers were incom- “...this event highlights how little attention is

paid to BfE by the Imperial College Business School has been accused of not paying enough attention to their engineering students Business School. Oliver Calderbank had been rescheduled for the 27th of time of 6pm chosen for the rescheduled courses?” to prepare for, all much more difficult 3rd yr, Chem Eng May, weeks later than anticipated. exam, although this was later changed Fellow 3rd year student Oliver Cal- than BfE. It seems rather disrespectful Dr. Love, who described the situation to 2pm. Some have taken this oppor- derbank agrees, stating that, “this event to the students that no care was taken at the time as a “cock-up on a monu- tunity to criticise the Business School highlights how little attention is paid to to check that the examination paper plete with alternate pages having been mental scale” spoke to felix regarding itself for the handling of the BfE course BfE by the Business School. The course was faultless before it was handed out - omitted. Amidst the chaotic scenes, the measures taken in the aftermath: over this academic year. seriously needs to be re-designed and very disappointing from such a highly- students were told to leave the room “There was no option other than to Ian Swords, a 3rd year student and more effort put into it.” reputed institution.” and were then informed that the exam stop the exam. As some had started also Departmental Representative for Victor Dillard, another 3rd year With this event serving as the cul- had been cancelled, to be taken at a with the correct paper, it would be ar- ChemEng, labels the debacle as, “a sim- Chemical Engineer, outlines the overall mination of a year-long dissatisfac- later date. gued that to recommence, say, an hour ple error that could have been easily problems that face those affected by the tion with the BfE course, it remains Those affected later received an apol- later would have given an unfair advan- prevented which has now caused mas- blunder, arguing that, “A lot of time and to be seen whether there will be any ogetic email from Dr. Colin Love, Impe- tage. Also, at the time, it was not pos- sive disruption to the year as a whole.” effort was put in by students to prepare changes in the way the module is run rial College Business School’s Director sible to confirm a restart time.” He also believes that this is, “In many for this exam as there was a substan- in the future. Until then, a highly “red of Undergraduate Studies, who blamed The new date and resulting delay has ways a fitting end to what has been a tial amount of material to study. This faced” and repentant Business School “a clerical error in the copying process not been well received due to its close poor performance by the Business exam also marked the send-off of the is unlikely to be of any consolation to of examination papers” before stating proximity with the second set of the de- School all round. We all know they can 3rd year Chemical Engineering exams. those who now find themselves with that the incident was “entirely the fault partment’s core module examinations, produce world class MBAs (Master of The cancellation forces us to reshuffle even more unexpected revision on of the Business School”. Alongside this, beginning on the 3rd of June. Many Business Administration) – why is the our revision timetables, a big inconven- their plates as the examination period students were informed that the exam were also dissatisfied with the original same quality not reflected in their BfE ience when we have nine other exams begins in earnest.

International Office seek new Rector’s Ambassadors for new programme

EEmilymily GGovanovan students. “Being a Rector’s Ambassador is fun, exciting and full of energy, and This week the International Office are the ambassadors all come from a wide seeking new volunteers to take part range of courses and years. Everyone in this year’s Rector’s Ambassadors is outgoing and the atmosphere is scheme. For those unfamiliar with the great, plus it’s a flexible programme concept, the Rector’s Ambassadors that works really well with everyone’s bring the Departmental Ambassadors schedule.” together, representing the College as a Solomon Zacharia, studying Civil whole at Open Days and campus-wide Engineering, said “It’s been a fantastic tours. experience meeting other people and Stephanie Mambo, a 4th year Chem talking to new students. When I’m Eng student and Rector’s Ambassador, taking tours, students are engaging said; “Being a Rector’s Ambassador is and enjoy every bit of the tour. I’ve also an honour. It’s an opportunity to gain helped out at careers fairs and met lots skills such as leadership, interpersonal of people from other universities. I’ve communication skills and initiative, made good friends here: we all come whilst showcasing Imperial positively.” from different backgrounds and it’s Stephanie has attended university good to talk to other people and see fairs in Cyprus and Kenya as an Am- how they do things.” bassador, and has also participated in college events such as the Post Gradu- ate Open Day. “The fair in Cyprus was a once in You can apply for the a life time opportunity. I was able to Rector’s Ambassador Scheme at: share my experiences and talk in depth www.imperial.ac.uk/international/ about my course to highly driven students/rectorsambassadors 4 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 FEATURE [email protected]

NEXT YEAR’S UNION PRESIDENT, ALEX KENDALL TALKS TO FELIX ABOUT HIS PLANS FOR THE NEW NIGHTCLUB, A NEW FACE FOLLOWING THE MEDICS’ LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING FUN AND WHY IMPERIAL STUDENTS SHOULD FOR IMPERIAL BE WHINING... AT HIM. WORDS BY DAN WAN COLLEGE UNION

ou can see why people have as he puts it, “lived in the Union and voted Alex in as next year’s knows everything about the Union”. Imperial College Union Choosing to work with such a large YPresident. Although it’s political body like the Liberal Demo- hard for me to put forward crats as part of his degree may lead first impressions of him as I’ve known people to view his time as Union Presi- him for about six months now (as part dent as another stepping stone in his of the felix team), it’s the exact reason political ladder. He’s keen to dispel this why he’s President next year. A com- however. bination of mild manners, good looks “I’m genuinely not a career politican and an active involvement with most and I’m not doing this for my CV. I things at Imperial means he’s a familiar don’t agree. No sabbatical I’ve met has face; a face that other students obvi- done it purely for their CV,” he pro- ously couldn’t resist voting for. tests. When I point out the recent res- He’s on the other side of the bank ignation of what would have been next holiday weekend that has seen him year’s Deputy President of Education, finish his finals in Biology. He has one Meera Ganeshadevan (who instead last stretch of work in the form of a took up a three month internship at six-week project before he completes Credit Suisse), Alex is quick to see both his degree and becomes the Union sides of the situation. President. “In Meera’s case, I think she wasn’t Though by no means has he had as- wholly committed to being Deputy pirations of authority since he arrived President of Education, but I don’t at Imperial four years ago. think you could say she doesn’t care “In your first two years you’re vague- about students. After all, she decided ly aware that there’s this thing called to run in the first place and there are the Union and they put on bar nights,” easier things than putting your face in he says. After he returned from a year front of 14,000 students. I appreciate in industry working with the Liberal people who are true to their promises, Democrats, he became Fellwanderers and standing for election is a promise, society Chair and subsequently more but I also don’t judge people too harsh- aware of what a student union does. ly.” he says. “Coming to the end of my final year, For himself however, he hints there I discovered a lot I wasn’t aware of may have been political aspirations before and from that I got an idea of once, but says that his time in politics the potential of things that could hap- tuned them flat. pen, and also about the rather strange “Strangely enough, the experience structure of the Union which can be [with the Lib Dems] also put me off made clearer, not redone. I didn’t even politics, I am now less interested in go- know what the RWB board was until ing into politics than I was.” Beyond his this year,” he says. interest in student politics then, what Though some might worryingly flag does he actually want to do? After de- up a lack of experience in the higher ferring a Masters programme at Impe- structures of the Union considering rial to take up his Presidency, he’s still his time at Imperial, it may come as leaving his future unroofed. His un- a blessing in disguise. Alex Kendall is certainty is probably oddly familiar to the average Joe of Imperial College; the many students at Imperial as he gives average Joe you’d probably want rep- his response to my question about his resenting you, as Imperial students, to future career. other institutions across the country. “I’m not sure what I want to do with He’s not the type of student that has, my life. It’s either science or business,

He’s not the type of student that has, as he puts it, “lived in the Union and knows Alex Kendall in the Fellwanderers equipment store room in the West Basement of Beit everything about the Union”. felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 5 [email protected] FEATURE

Alex on a trip with the Fellwanderers society; with the Sabbatical team he will be in charge of, excluding Meera Ganeshadevan who has already resigned; and finding Muesli in Beit’s club store rooms. but that’s pretty much the vaguest an- The nightlife at Imperial isn’t the swer you can give.” He’s right. It’s the “When Metric is finished and does what we hope, only thing students have been com- vagueness that most final year Impe- plaining about in recent times. A rial students will exude when asked. it’s certainly going to be competitive as a venue quick look at Facebook shows nearly Both his background in Biology and 1000 students have joined the “Fuck his environmental policy work with Our Imperial Lives (FOIL)” group. It the Liberal Democrats means there to [LSE and King’s Union]. I have no problem with is a group where people collectively may be a green agenda coming for the despair at their perceived hardships at Union. advertising it to other universities” Imperial. Wisely or not, Alex doesn’t “The Union’s environmental policy read too much into it. runs out at the end of the year. I’ll be “It’s tongue in cheek. In a way, it’s all working over the summer to renew self-induced pain because everyone that, with hopefully some additions. secretely enjoys the fact they’re at such Some presidents have concentrated on ing being what he calls “that faceless “I want to know who my year rep is, pects. It’s a problem.” How is he going a good university and it’s nice to com- the environmental agenda, but not all Union”. I want to know what their names are, to solve it, then? “It’s letting students plain ‘Oh, haven’t I got so much work?’ of them,” he states before explaining “Emails from the Union need to be what they look like and their email ad- get involved with the new club and and to tell your friends about it. It’s not how he intends to change the system more personal, you are more likely to dress. At the moment you have to navi- copying the medic ‘bop’ system they as funny as ‘Overheard at Imperial.” by which clubs and societies travel come to an event organised by people gate your way through the RCSU web- have at Reynolds.” So do Imperial students whine too across the globe on tours to be more you know or have bothered to come site to try and find out who they are in The renovation of dB’s nightclub much? environmentally-friendly. talk to you, or at very least people Biology. You need to put this some- which will see it renamed Metric will “No, I don’t think so. There are plen- The system is way over my head, but you’re familiar with.” where obvious, like up on a board. It’s also allow an avenue of entertainment ty of good reasons to whine, because it’s evident it’s a personal concern, es- Alex is also looking to take a differ- unashamedly copying from the med- which hasn’t been seen at the Union things do go properly wrong. There is pecially since he’s Chair of Fellwander- ent angle on his approach with Fresh- ics, but it works.” before: good live music. poorly marked coursework and feed- ers society this year. It is not uncom- ers than with previous years. He wants On the flip-side and away from aca- “It’s one of the factors of the design back; there are badly taught lectures; mon to see Alex throwing hiking gear them to see the Union not so much as demic representation, he wants to and we’re hoping to have a really good lecturers that don’t turn up. Those into the back of a minibus on Prince the sugar-daddy of entertainment and bring the fun-loving reputation Medics touring venue for bands.” It’s the use kinds of issues aren’t given as much at- Consort Road come Friday afternoon, booze, but as lots of older and wiser have to the South Kensington campus. of students that Metric will make a tention as those problems on the FOIL as he prepares for a weekend trip to the siblings to join in the fun with. “When the Medic’s do their themed success of the space that dB’s couldn’t. group.” wild stretches of the county. If work- “It’s important that they know all bops on Friday nights, they’re unique “We need more bands from outside Despite barely containing his ex- ing in politics for a year wasn’t the the things they’re enjoying are run and they’re absolutely packed [at Rey- as well as more bands from Imperial citement about the new venues, they pre-cursor to becoming Union Presi- by students. It’s so easy to come from nold’s Bar]. We need clubs and socie- playing there.” are not Alex’s priority. His priority dent, it’s his active involvement with a school to this huge university and to ties to put in applications to take over The new nightclub, which sees is something which many see as the society that has produced two Sabbati- think club or bar nights are being run the new venue [Metric] and put on a substantial part of £2.4 million more mundane side of the Union: the cal officers for next year: himself and by ‘adults’ or professionals. But, if we themed nights. That’s good at attract- pumped into it, also opens up the pos- representation network. Deputy President of Clubs & Societies get them to realise everything around ing people, and it’s not run by faceless sibility for the Union to benefit from “We want to increase the represen- Heather Jones. them is organised by people that have Union people again,” he says. “I think external visitors. tation network to help them whine! “The Fellwanderers showed me that only been here a year sometimes, it’ll the Union is lagging behind, when “We are rebuilding it for us and it We want whining aimed at the Union the Union is about developing stu- encourage them to get involved. If they compared to the Reynold’s, because needs to be primarily for Imperial stu- rather than at Facebook.” It’s almost dents’ lives in all the areas that College really want to be involved, it’s not that the events it puts on are organised for dents. If it isn’t, then it’s failing.” like he’s putting himself up for sacri- cannot, be that through Sport, learn- hard and there is a way into it.” students rather than by students.” When I bandy the idea around of fice. “The representation network de- ing a new skill, or learning more about The analogies of families within the As the conversation approaches the Metric being seen alongside King’s pends on people knowing about it and yourself. I think that we lose that per- Union may sound absurd, but the con- subject that is hot on the lips of the College or LSE’s open student club I don’t think people feel confident or spective sometimes, that it is here and cept is something that the Medics and casual punter at the Union’s bars, Alex nights with a slight sense of ridicule, able to go up the chain of representa- now that matters more than the future. their Freshers at Imperial thrive on. gives a wry smile. He knows what’s Alex is keen to shoot the ridicule tion when there is a problem. Enabling I love that about the Union, which is This hasn’t gone unnoticed by Alex ei- coming with the mention of the new down. that to happen doesn’t sound like a why I wanted to be a part of it.” ther. He’s keen to take elements of the nightclub and bars, and he’s obviously “When Metric is finished and it looks grand vision but it was something that As great as it to see someone who Medics’ Union and implement them keen to talk about it. After all, the Un- and does what we hope, it’s certainly got me thinking about running for the has picked up an interest such as into the central Union in Beit Quad. ion’s bars are what he freely admits is going to be competitive as a venue to position in the first place.” Fellwandering at university and run Using the Medics’ way of commu- all that most students see as the Union. those places. I have no problem with So is Alex a commanding officer or with it, there are many more who just nication of representation throughout “Most students by the end of their advertising it to other universities in a front-line soldier? Surprisingly, for haven’t. The lack of involvement many their students is the first way he will first year will either see it as that or London and having multi-university someone so perfectly legible to be the students have shown has been down to bring faces to the ‘faceless Union’. get involved with the Union’s other as- events at Metric.” new face of Imperial College Union, it the ‘general apathy’ that exists at Im- looks like he’s happy to drive the Un- perial, and Alex is looking to at least ion tank from the back seats, albeit make a start on removing it by avoid- with his head poking out the top. 6 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 Comment Editor Charlotte Morris COMMENT [email protected] Gilead Amit isn’t convinced by UK politics “Few things have annoyed me more than the blanket assumption that the public can’t think for itself.”

fter years of labour, the gave it up for Lent. But seeing as I live in word ‘Change’? drivers and rich passers-by who tell two guys will have won. Coalitions will agonising gestation period your country and nap in the dark cor- Your well-known Face Book (written, me not to spend it on drink. be discussed, political careers will end, is finally over. We have had ners of your universities, I feel it would I believe, by William the Conqueror in General elections are a fun and ex- and the embarrassing business of cam- Arisks of abnormalities and be rude of me not to take an interest in an attempt to catalogue the facial fea- citing break from the monotony of paigning will be forgotten. complications, moments the internal rumblings of the British po- tures of the Anglo-Saxon race), is not daily politics. They provide clean And now that ______is con- of crisis and panic, but at last the great litical stomach. It would be like a lodger particularly helpful. “If David Cameron wholesome fun for all the family, and tentedly playing with a slinky down the Mother Democracy has brought forth in a provincial bed and breakfast tak- wants Change so badly,” it suggests, usually come with a five year money- staircase of Number 10 (it is left as an a leader, still covered in amniotic fluid ing no notice of a fire in the bathroom “give him 30p and tell him to fuck off.” back guarantee. They are also, para- exercise to the reader to fill in the gaps and wailing in shock, into the arms of a unless it singed his bowels. Sorry, that Not only does this seem a disrespectful doxically enough, among the most de- in the preceding clause), it does seem a proud and expectant public. should be towels. way to address a man who is/was/will pressing times to be a member of the little churlish to dwell on the past few As of last night you are the lucky own- But, as I believe you say in this coun- be leader of the country/a politician general public. frenetic weeks. The birth of a baby ers of a bouncing baby Prime Minister. try, my tongue is not yet suited to your with a face best remembered as hav- I dislike being taken for an idiot. is, after all, the sign that friends and And yes, it’s a boy. Let the bells ring out, mother. My ears flap helplessly in the ing launched a thousand memes, but it As discussed at some length above I well-wishers can finally release months the trumpets blare, and the wine pour wind broken by your rapid speech, and doesn’t make a great deal of sense. am not English, so I am averse to pre- of pent-up emotion and go to buy it forth like ash from a dyspeptic volcano. I often find myself incapable of under- Is this the sort of Change that Cam- suming as to your own feelings on the clothes. Deck Ed Balls with boughs of holly and standing your iron railings against au- eron wanted? The Change that Nick subject. But few things have annoyed And so I should, by rights, be picking have George Osborne dipped in gold thority. Or should that be ironic? Clegg so passionately campaigned for? me more about this national campaign out the tiny onesies of expectation and and sold as a commemorative figurine. Small wonder, then, that I should The Change that Gordon Brown des- than the blanket assumption rolled the matching bonnets of hope for our How relieved you must be that the have such trouble understanding a perately claimed he could bring? Who across the country and tucked in at beloved newborn. At the same time, election worked out as it did. I know I word familiar to the meanest intellects knows. All I can say for certain is that Dover that the public can’t think for my arms should overflow with the nap- am very happy for you. And I am also the length and breadth and width and I was as fed up with having ‘Change’ itself. pies of cynicism, ready to mop up the incredibly glad that the whole sensa- height and depth of your remarkably flung in my direction from posters, By the time you read this one of the copious doo-doo that your national tional and sensationalist mess is behind pointy country. If you will pardon me to broadcasts, leaflets and newspapers as guys who will cut taxes and imple- baby will doubtless be emitting. us. I think it only fair of me to point out ask, what is meant (a thousand apolo- I am with having change flung at me ment change in ways eerily similar to Next time, have a look at birth that I don’t have an English passport – I gies for disturbing your peace) by this by shopkeepers, vending machines, bus and yet utterly different from the other control. Joy Balmer compares the PM with oranges

“I allude not to their waxy skin, their shiny image or their potential for acidic disappointment...”

his morning as I was writ- half written page. turned out to be no more than a tan- For not one of the leaders of Britain’s week of political speculation. I will miss ing a wry-thing, I glimpsed, For Oranges may not be the only gent, and while I could aspire to be- three main political parties sports a the intense commentary, for election nay gaped while glimpsing, fruit, but proud, as I am, to be amongst come a tan gent, the orange would be beard. time is when everyone has their say, Tand furthermore glanced the ranks of those not providing evi- tango before my tan went. This bright The beard, considered a masculine especially in these days of Twitter and and goggled and gawped at dence of that particular aphorism, I can sphere, cousin of the fabled fruit in the essential in a great many societies, but reinstated status of status (forget cars a glimption, aghast I gasped with gump- stand up for the oranges. Conventional trees below the Beatles’ marmalade reviled in others, has been entirely out and clothes, smileys are the new status tion, and so forth, a very rare sight. he may be in these days of jet-setting skies, would dream instead of marma- of fashion, and certainly out of political symbols). I think it’s glorious to know The sight which so shocked me was ex-patting exoticism, and I must admit, lade ‘pi’s, just half of which will send fashion for many years now. that the comments are being written, none other than an orange, sitting soft- the orange is no pineapple. It’s a fruit even the merest tan of tangerine to in- This election begs to differ though, tirelessly, again and again, this is what ly, sumptuously and succulently (but if which says, have fun kids, but keep safe. finity and back. politicians more divided over missiles real social commentary is made of! Giv- this description is anything to go by, not The frivolity of the moderate bourgeois The orange does, however, have than bristles on which they stand cheek en my penchant for roomy ruminations succinctly) on the side of my desk. Per- if you will. I aim to live up to the or- something in common with the three to closely shorn cheek (or maybe chic). and attractive tracts, it’s been a nice va- haps this may seem an everyday occur- ange, spitting forth a similar sweet and candidates for prime minister, who All this is the explanation for my advice riety. By next week we will be back to rence. (Certainly, to a grocer, the citric zesty piquancy and leaving pithy lines by now have reached the end of their not to abandon your shaving-ism as the usual few common-tators, but for orb perched nearby must be a veritable between your teeth. electoral race. I allude not to their waxy you might your chauvinism. now, my heart pounds to the pitter- leitmotif (or rather life motif)). But I But as I watched the orange, we skin, their shiny image or their poten- Yet I must admit a certain sadness patter of a tinny beat, the key strokes of sensed a certain kinship, the orange and seemed no longer so close, what I tial for acidic disappointment, but in- as the election campaign stops like a stroke keys and the fingers tapping on I, regarding each other silently over the had perceived as our shared function, stead to their excellently smooth chins. speeding ballot, leaving maybe only a the thinking man’s drumkit. felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 7 [email protected] COMMENT Rhys Davies knows the power of words

“And as with anything, with all their uses, words have their misuse. ”

ticks and stones can break my member, this was before the invention of words and society really kicked off. All ple, words get in between people. This words can hold, simply look to the field bones but words can never glasses. Then an outsider of the group, thanks to some rather odd-sounding can promote social inclusion to those of medicine. Oh, go on – it won’t bite. It hurt me. chastised for his mutation of a slimmer grunts. fortunate enough to speak the spiel but is thought that Shakespeare coined eight S Ah, a popular children’s id- tongue, finer vocal cords, or maybe a And as with anything, with all their at the expense who left their phrase- thousand new words – that’s hardly one iom, especially for those who novel approach to temporal lobe archi- uses, words have their misuse. They can books at home. chapter of even the briefest of medical had more words than stones hurled at tecture, stood up, cleared his throat and be used to insult and demean, to hold But words can be used to bring peo- dictionaries. Doctors boldly operate them in their formative years, but I’m said, “Excuse me, chaps. I don’t mean to people back. From the playground to ple together as well. Countless people with the ethos that brevity is for sis- not keen on it. For one, it’s completely be a bother but I think you would have the workspace, psychological bullying, through the ages have drawn spiritual sies. And yet most of their vocabulary wrong, and two, far more importantly, rather more luck with those dastardly of which words are the tools, cuts far comfort from the religions and oral his- is within one syllable of each other! But it sells words short by a wide margin. Mammuthus primigenius if you gave deeper than a mere pummelling. A com- tories of their ancestors and, in more it’s the pharmaceutical companies who Words have power, far more power than them a good going over with sticks a ment, thrown away in spite, can worm recent times, football anthems. In the have taken this to a whole other level. we give them credit for. mite sharper than your current arsenal. its way into a person’s head and heart. political sphere, the best orators and Every new drug they release has a name It all started, as most things did, in the Can you see my, ahem, point?” There, it can grow and fester like a can- demagogues throughout history have that is half a dictionary long, utterly un- dimly lit caves of prehistory. All men And thus, Language was born! With cer, with all the same poisonous poten- known how to mould and manipulate pronounceable and reads like an incan- were equal (Women weren’t, sadly). the pun following close behind. tial. You only have to pick up the Metro the populace with a cleverly crafted tation from the Necronomicon. Ph’nglui As utopic as this sounds, they didn’t Once his comrades realised these to read of someone who took their own turn of phrase. And the greatest way of mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl get very far. Since they had no way of new-fangled words could help procure life over a tirade of taunting. That’s not reaching someone is, of course, comedy. fhtagn...Abciximab. communicating, aside from charades their basic living needs, they began to right. Words aren’t meant for that. This can range from the humeral mala- But this barely scratches the surface. and shadow puppet theatre, complex ponder what else they could be used With arguably less maleficence, words propism (Or rather, humorous) to the You could fill a dictionary with mor- tasks like organising mammoth-hunts for. Could they, for example, woo and can also be used to exclude. From the Freudian cock-up (I mean slip-up!) to phemes, portmanteaus, syntaxes, hom- or guard-duty from hungry leopards charm their ladyfolk to relations of a impenetrable wall of jargon that renders the ubiquitous pun (They’re infamous onyms, jokes, rhetoric, one-liners and didn’t really get off the ground. Our an- more intimate nature? The answer was the scientist dumb and the public deaf to – every time I tell one, people have it in War and Peace. Except that’s not what a cestors didn’t know who to turn to, who yes, and so Poetry was discovered. After the difficulties of asking for directions in for me). dictionary is for. So I’ll simply say this: the brains of their operations were. Re- this, they found more and more uses for French, instead of going between peo- If you’re still in doubt of the power Ciao! Angry Geek contemplates the elections

“The government is going to do what the government likes...and you will probably live life oblivious to it.”

ell, now. Aren’t I in Elbow Differentiation Society. The minor points - the tax break here, dealer in Tescos. a question in front of the class? Even a bit of a position From the very first television debate, the immigrant-burning power stations I sat revising with Lord Factshitter then was the hand of the Left wing at this week. I’m writ- where you watched one man shout there - they’re just fluff to distract you. II the other day, having every attempt work. Wing this pre-election, slightly louder than two other, uglier The government is going to do what at learning a formula punctuated Of course, every election should you’re reading this men and decided that he was charis- the government likes, and just like with some comment about margin- make people feel slightly desperate and post-election; what to do, what to do. matic on that basis, every single one the other three and a half years prior als. Nothing gets that man hot like the hopeless about their future. If an elec- Do I rail at you for bringing in Cam- of you has done nothing but drive me to January when you couldn’t give a fiery taste of single-figure percentage tion is particularly good, it’ll also make eron and dooming us to a future of round the fucking bend. I’ve heard so tinker’s cuss, you will probably live life swings. Phwoar. Three-way marginal, you despise the media and all those death and dirty looks from China? Do much contradictory bullshit in the last oblivious to it. you say? You dirty, dirty electorate, associated with it. But I didn’t think I chuckle at the idealistic thought that month that by Friday I’m expecting us And I don’t mind, I don’t. But I have you. that it could make you hate the voters a hung parliament might “make them to have seventeen different Prime Min- to sit through hours of your pseud I’m sat there wondering what this themselves. If ever there was an argu- work together”? I’m in a bind here. isters, with the economy simultane- bullshit, listening about how “the coun- man does when Dimbleby isn’t on the ment for despotism, then there are sev- Oh but you’d planned ahead for this, ously recovering and dipping back into try” either used to be a certain way, news at least twice a day, and all he is eral hundred of them milling around hadn’t you. You planned ahead by all recession. That’s going to be a tough is a certain way, or will be a certain doing is tripping facts off about the Queen’s Tower on weekdays right now. acting like a riotous band of tossers weekend, eh? way. About how you’re emigrating, or Labour party. You remember that time So I’m left feeling that whoever you from start to finish in this election Bad news guys! Whoever you just staying here all your life, or wah, wah, last month when that girl turned down elect on Thursday, no amount of politi- campaign, thus giving me this point to elected, it turns out, has exactly the wah. Just because you’ve finally got to an offer of naked hijinx because she cal activism will allow me to vote in a reflect on - no matter who you elect in same debt to clear, has told almost the grips with the big nine-letter words found out you think Lost’s a bit over- new generation of students. Sod emi- this week, you’ve only gone and proved same number of lies, and cares as much the Economist uses doesn’t mean that rated? That was Labour’s fault, it turns grating to the States, I’m off to North that democracy in this country is one about your personal situation as the I want to inhale the second-hand opin- out. That time in primary school where Korea. It might be a bit drab, but the epic game of the blind leading the Arse- two guys you thought were total shit. ion you’ve been getting off your local you shat yourself instead of answering newspapers probably read better. Imperial’s arts magazine is rising from the ashes...

Phoenix, Imperial’s historic arts Phoenix needs student contributions. If you’re feeling magazine, returns in its original the strains of science or just enjoy being creative, send form as an annual this year. It was in your poetry, fiction, photography and artwork to created in 1904 by Imperial alumnus [email protected] by Friday 21st May. and famous author, H.G. Wells . Phoenix 2010 due out June 2010. felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 9 Science Editors Nathan Ley & Brigette AAtkinstkins SCIENCE [email protected] A Volcano erupted a wee while back... The eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull have taught us to not underestimate nature, and to realise where we stand

NaNathanthan LLeyey Science Editor ly since the last Ice Age. The Icelan- Now this all sounds reasonable, and dic Meteorological Office published should offer a nice amount of context data in December which indicated to put the headlines in to. It was all a bit sudden when, on April an increase in residual seismic activ- However, there are problems with 15th 2010, the world suddenly became ity around the area during the years modern media and the associated hys- interested in a plume of ash that had 2006–2009, culminating in December teria. As far as I’m concerned, very lit- come from a volcano in southern Ice- 2009 with thousands of small earth- tle fundamental information has been land. Why was this? Well it was be- quakes detected (of magnitude 1–2 conveyed to the people. Sure, we heard cause from that day onwards a large from a lot of people who’s flight from proportion of European airspace was Barcelona back to Manchester was closed off, resulting in the cancellation “Eyjafjallajökull has cancelled, and they were “ABSOLUTE- of flights. Of course, you know all this LY OUTRAGED!!!” We even heard already. After all, it happened in the erupted frequently from a sober Scotsman who screamed middle of the Easter break when you “I HATE ICELAAAAAND” down the were deep in revision (may still be) and since the last Ice camera. Well that’s nice for you mate occasionally heard the odd snippet of but seriously? Volcanoes are as much news about Gordon Brown slagging Age” a part of life as me or you. They are a off a pensioner for not liking how the product of having a planet based on a demographic of her town was deterio- molten core. rating. OK, so the volcano itself is old Mw) This most recent major eruption The eruptions were not, as some news, but what was the timescale and (April 14th) has not come out of the people have suggested, ‘an act of god’. what actually happened? Is it even still blue, as many people have suggested. An act of God means nothing. It was going off? It still rages, too. Whilst the situation bad enough that the media threw this Spectacular scenes at Eyjafjallajökull light up the night sky Eyjafjallajökull has erupted frequent- with the airspace - as far as most peo- phrase around, but worse is that this ple care - became much more relaxed is the same wafer thin defence behind in Britain on April 20th, the ash still which faceless insurance companies has a point. at work that are, quite simply, greater remains ( it has been suggested that we have sat, in an attempt to avoid major The flight restrictions placed upon than any possible man-made con- even saved 200,000 tonnes per a day of payouts to customers. airspace by the authorities may have struction. As Professor Cox said, if it CO2 emissions as a result of cancelled Professor Brian Cox recently gave been a little draconian, but that’s not weren’t for volcanoes, we would have 110 flights). As recently as the 4th May, a his opinion on that matter, in a more the key point, and neither is the point no atmosphere, no gravity, and hence fresh plume was pushed 5.5km into rational manner. He said “Next time that the media has been blinkered no existence. Maybe we should put The number of millions of cubic the air. As a result of this massively dy- you get upset because you can’t get (which is to be expected). The point, things into context and bear these ide- metres of tephra ejected during the namic situation, local airspace restric- strawberries or asparagus, remember is that as humans we don’t own the as in mind next time we’re devastated eruption of the 14th April tions are being applied and removed that without volcanoes there would be world. We may be the most dominant and realise that our week in Benidorm constantly. no atmosphere on this planet,” And he species, but there are forces and laws has been cancelled. Rotting fish give insights into fossil interpretation

JJamesames GoldsackGoldsack find out how the forms of the animals have changed during decay, between death and fossilisation. Rotting fish could give scientists an Dr Mark Purnell, a member of the insight into how to interpret some of study, explained that this involved the oldest and most important fossils. "some very unpleasant experiments". By finding patterns in rotting fish, a He and his colleagues studied some greater understanding of fossilised sea primitive marine vertebrates, includ- creatures can be gained. The study re- ing lampreys. vealed how primitive marine creatures may have changed as they decayed. The researchers have identified cer- “We’re dealing with tain particular patterns of deteriora- tion that should help scientists identify life from millions of very early marine fossils more accu- rately. Dr Rob Sansom from the Uni- years ago” versity of Leicester, who led the study, said that fossil examination is similar to forensic analysis. “Unlike forensics, They also examined some close rela- however, we are dealing with life from tives of vertebrates. The dead creatures millions of years ago,” he said. were placed in clear containers and they "What we want to get at is what an watched how each specimen changed animal was like before it died and, as as it rotted. The team discovered that with forensic analysis, knowing how some of the defining characteristics the decomposition that took place af- used by biologists to identify fossils ter death altered the body provides im- were fundamentally altered by decay. portant clues to its original anatomy." Features including the muscular pat- This is most important for animals terns and shapes changed dramatically Lead author Dr preserved as soft tissue remains, the during decomposition. Now traced, Rob Sansom, case for some of the earliest creatures these changes and patterns can be used who caught the in the fossil record. These are marine by scientists to better interpret some of wild fish and creatures that lived up to 500 million the most ancient marine fossils. watched them 500 1 years ago. The earliest known chor- "We need to understand how they decay, much to dates had no skeleton but luckily in decayed if we're going to put them in The age (in millions of years) of The number of times the study has the dismay of rare conditions their soft bodies were the right place in the tree of life," said the earliest marine creatures that been cited in new research, since it’s fossilised and preserved partially in- Dr Purnell. "The work doesn't appeal visitors to the maintained their skeletons publication in January 2010 tact. The researchers were hoping to to everyone, but it's worth the effort." department 10 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010

BBusinessusiness EditorEditor SinaSina AtaherianAtaherian BUSINESS [email protected] Ever thought about taking the plunge? Kadhim Shubber interviews Likebees founder Yannick Roux about the risks and rewards of starting-up

ooking forward to a career beat as we’re talking in the Union Quad. I compiled a long list of business ideas, are commodities, anyone with a brain Yannick stresses, it is the technical in investment banking? After years of dreaming Yannick finally both online and offline. Given the size or an internet connection has got ide- specialists, and not the businessmen Got an internship for the launched Likebees.com in March with of our pockets, it was obvious to use the as, what makes a business is how you who have the edge. As he tells it, the L summer? Looking forward his life-long best friend (“Whether I internet because it’s the least capital- execute your ideas. How do you drive guy who knows how to code his own to a career in investment would strongly recommend it [part- intensive place to start. Obviously the traffic to your website in a smart way? website is miles ahead of any Business banking? Young entrepreneur Yannick nering with his best friend], I’ll tell you risk is that without a super-technical How do you create an engaged com- Studies graduate. Roux offers a refreshing new perspec- in some more time.”) The company idea with a lot of IP [intellectual prop- munity? How do you scale, and how do “What I’ve lacked is the technical tive for business-minded students who organises heavily discounted deals on erty], anyone can copy you. But ideas you monetise that scale? We looked at background – how can this work? How aren’t quite ready to sell their souls to otherwise expensive activities like Pi- Groupon and thought ‘That’s a clever long will it take? I could never tell. I had the big banks. lates classes, haircuts at top salons or business model, you don’t need a huge no background in computer science so On paper, Yannick seems to be meals at fine restaurants by utilising scale and it’s easily monetisable. How I always had to ask someone else. If I shaped in the same mould as every the power of mass-purchasing through “You don’t have to can we make it better?’ could do my studies again, I would do other suit that speeds past you on a its online community. If enough peo- Nowadays people are willing to share something technical so if I had an idea Monday morning. He’s got a degree ple buy into a deal, the deal is activated; follow the masses... everything, they are on Facebook most I could spend one night doing a proto- in Business Administration from Boc- otherwise it’s cancelled. The idea origi- of their time anyway. At the time we type. Right now I have twenty ideas I coni University in Milan and a Masters nated from the popular US-based web- there is more to life were banking on the fact that we would want to do but I cannot, because I do of Science in Accounting & Finance site Groupon. be the only ones doing this in London not know how. If you can build your from LSE, and he worked at Macquar- “After I left Macquarie I took a few than investment and in fact in Europe. So we thought, own ideas, all you have to do is spend a ie Capital for two years - exactly two months out to think about what I let’s do this now, let’s go.” few nights on it. And then you show it years. He emphasises, “I quit on the would do. During my years at the bank banks“ But in this new internet economy, to people, get them excited about your exact same day that they hired me two product, see what they think. Right years before”. But it’s quickly apparent now I cannot create something on my that behind the CV hides a person with own. I have to pay people and so it is the courage to quit the rat race to make not worth it and I do not do it. But if his own way in the world, “You don’t you can do it yourself, then do it. The have to follow the masses and do what worst that could happen is that you everyone else is doing, because there is spend two nights making something more to life than investment banks.” that is not valuable. Otherwise, find There probably isn’t anyone more a technical co-founder who is willing qualified than Yannick Roux to offer to code in exchange for equity, but it’s that advice. At the age of 25, he quit a hard to excite developers with equity, cushy job at the Australian investment they like cash a lot more.” bank Macquarie to start his own busi- It’s been a long journey for Yannick ness in an uncertain economy. Why and looking back, it’s obvious that it hasn’t been straightforward. Without “...rationally, if “anyone with an you have a choice internet connection between starting has got ideas, what up a business and makes a business buying a lottery is how you execute ticket, you should your ideas“ always buy the ticket“ a clear idea of what he wanted to do, he found himself buffeted and pres- would anyone want to do that, I ask? sured by the storms of ambition at “If you think about it rationally, if LSE, “When I got there I still had no you have a choice between starting up idea what I wanted to do. But everyone a business and buying a lottery ticket, I saw had done applications to fifteen you should always buy the ticket. But banks. So I thought ‘Wow, I must be ever since I was an undergraduate, I’ve late for something.’” wanted to run my own business. I did a He ended up following the crowd and semester at Babson College in Boston, headed for the big banks like everyone which is number one in Entrepreneur- else, with limited success, “I started ship. Every student at Babson had their applying to banks, for everything – I own business and when I heard these applied for derivatives, cash equi- people talk about their businesses dur- ties, trading, IB... I had no clue what ing class I got very excited. Since then I wanted to do. I did some interviews I’ve known that I did not want to work where I got grilled, I didn’t have any in- for someone else.” ternships on my CV and of course the But is it just about being your own banks like you a lot more if you’ve been boss? Surely you could work hard for there before.” this or that promotion, become head of It’s difficult to pinpoint where ex- your team, head of a particular division actly the young, perhaps naïve Yannick in this or that area, but for Yannick it’s Roux transformed into the confident not simply about having power, “No, entrepreneur he is today, but I sus- it’s about wanting to create something pect he was forged somewhere in the from scratch on your own. You know furnace of his time as an investment the feeling? Wanting to be 100% re- banker. “You do not have any time to sponsible for it. Seeing something go- think about other things in life when ing from zero to somewhere is great.” you work for an investment bank, you This is probably why he seems so up- Yannick Roux has always had a passion for taking up exciting, new challeneges - a vital trait for budding entrepreneurs work so hard that your brain is com- felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 11 [email protected] BUSINESS

pletely washed out of everything else. a while, you quit the rat race and fol- ing it because it is an experience. If So your either burn out or make a low your dream of starting your own it does not work, I will do something What is Likebees all decision like mine. That is why they business”. else. If I run out of money, I’ll find pay so much and make you work so So after years of following the another job and save as much money hard, because otherwise you would crowds, and heading in the wrong di- as possible to start my next business. just leave. Money is a pain-killer. And rection, Yannick is finally the person Although at school they tell you that about anyway? then obviously after the crash I realised that he wanted to be all those years you need a good, safe job – that is not even the financial rewards I expected ago during that life-changing semes- all there is to life. I do not tell any- were not there. That’s when my brain ter at Babson College. one to avoid investment banking, but ikebees.com is a website that features discounted deals on things to went back to what I wanted to be do- He runs his own company, he’s cre- make sure you enjoy it and take time do in London (from restaurants to Pilates classes, from charity events ing. For example I really hated not be- ating something from the ground up to think if it is what you really want to spas and hair salons). Deals run one at a time and for a limited pe- ing able to plan a holiday. Every time I and he’s happy. “If I’m up working to do with your life. If everyone is L riod of time: if enough people buy before the deal ends, then everyone made plans, some big deal would hap- until 3 or 4, it’s okay. I decide, I could telling you to go to Goldman Sachs, gets it, otherwise the deal is cancelled and no one is charged. And for pen that week by coincidence. The first just go to bed. It’s up to me.” question it.” each friend that you refer to Likebees, you can make £5 in credit! time was okay, the second time well But if it all doesn’t work out, I ask, okay, but after a while...” does he have a backup plan? He trails off but the end of the sen- “Yes, I do, but I’m not doing this You can contact Yannick via @yanroux tence is obvious and refreshing, “...after because I want to get rich; I’m do- on Twitter

Yannick’s top tips for budding entrepreneurs Competition Time Save money If by any chance you get into a well-paid investment bank, make sure you do not lose track Likebees is offering £50 free credit to of the value of money. You all dream about the lifestyle that money can buy you, but really, two lucky Imperial students. Simply go to let me tell you, it’s not all about playing the high-roller at a posh club. Save money now so if one day you decide to start your business you will have the funds to do it; if you spend all http://imperial.likebees.com to qualify your salary, all you can do is keep running the rat race! Another good way to save money is using Likebees.com. for the competition

Go for it! If you have ideas, go for it. If you do not do it now, you will always regret it. When you are thirty, you will think, “Why did I not do that when I was twenty?” When I am thirty-five, I will probably not leave a job to start my own business because by then I will have a family and so on. You either do it now or you forget about it. And find a co-founder, possibly with a different set of skills.

Network If you go on meetup.com there are tons of events in London on any given area of business every day. I was able to build a network in two months because I was in London. That is how I found the guy who developed the website. That is how I met some potential investors. You have to network. It is the best way to be aware of what is going in your industry and meet the relevant people.

Iterate Nowadays, when you set up a website, you need to iterate constantly with your customers. You make a prototype, which might work, it might not work. Reid Hoffman, a famous investor and entrepreneur in Silicon Valley, once said that if you are not ashamed of your prototype, you have launched too late. If you can find ten people who like what you’re doing, they will help you get there. The best way to go is by iteration. Have a product, show it to your friends, get them to try it and love it, get feedback. Then go to investors.

Play the game In the internet space, no one knows who the underdog is. You can look a lot bigger and more organised than what you are; appearance plays a lot. Offline is similar: have nice looking slides, flashy business cards, dress smartly. But the other thing is you have to manage expectations. You can’t bullshit. You get people to take you seriously by being honest. Particularly with clients. You want them to come back to you. 12 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 CULTURE & ArArtsts Editors Rosie Milton, Caz Knight & Lucy HarroldHarrold THE ARTS [email protected]

Charles Bronson: criminal and artist apparently

Purely he recent installation of of a day-dreaming schoolboy than the an artwork by criminal next workings of a Hans Bellmer. Charles Bronson on the The subject matter has raised the psychedelic T London Underground by most protests: a head with three gri- apparent guerilla group macing faces, two with bared teeth and Art Below invites the reconsideration tongues hanging out, the schizophrenic RRosieosie MiltonMilton Arts Editor of morals in several areas. body buckled down into a straight- It has become a question of correct- jacket, clearly labelled ‘restraint’. The ness: political and social. How can we cartoon-like style is distantly similar to t certainly feels like this week’s ing mental illnesses. Clearly it is a spec- justify admiring the work of a violent the animation of The Yellow Submarine Arts is calling upon our more tacle, with sensitive undertones. criminal in our public places? After the (1968). The message implies a disturbed I colourful, psychic sensibilities. As for me, I have engaged with one current political climate and the excite- mind: whether of the artist himself, or Whether the theatre is your difficult subject: the display of a work ment of the general election, we are see- merely of the character he has depicted, thing, or if you are more of an art per- of art by recognised criminal Charles ing every law and promise of moral jus- the implication is there. son, this week’s articles should brighten Bronson (about whom a feature-length tice strapped down and tightened until The problem with Art Below’s in- up the exam gloom! film was out in cinemas only recent- the country is practically turning blue. tentions is that they are very obviously This week we have made room for ly) in the public space of the London This attitude smacks of currying favour. capitalizing on Bronson’s celebrity sta- more images as well, to fill the centre Underground. As a cultural aesthetician I support the tus. It is unlikely that any inmate of this of the newspaper with colour – I think Elsewhere, I had the pleasure of chance to see the inner-workings – country’s penitentiary establishment you’ll agree! So what exactly have we visiting Pick Me Up – a novel con- some call it soul, Vasari called it ‘genius’ has managed to reach the public to his on offer? Caz Knight has been busy in temporary art fair, held this year at – of a criminalised thug, by the visual extent with their work, before or even London’s theatres: an excellent pro- Somerset House. Graphic art is quite transliteration of his artworks. My curi- again, under any other circumstances. duction of the beloved, swinging Hair different from traditional works of art, osity in this respect, is what has allowed Perhaps we will be seeing a series of in- is currently showing at the Guilgud and delighted me in quite a different me to consider his work. However, in mate’s works, with Bronson’s the first to Theatre and elsewhere, at the Peacock, way. Hopefully we will be seeing more traditional terms of competence, Bron- catch our attention, or possibly a slew the subject of neuroscience is under the of this in the future. As for the upcom- son is somewhat lacking. His drawings of bizarre celebrities’ attempts at art. limelight. The excellent Les doigts de la ing weeks, there are a few good shows would benefit from a more rounded Whatever the case, Art Below have cer- main – a French dance troupe perform in the private galleries of Mayfair and form to appear less flat. The reality is tainly embraced the modern more of a physical, poetic interpretation of vary- of course, the larger galleries also. closer to the dozy, fantastical doodlings star exploitation with this affair. -RM ‘Triptophrenia’ at Angel tube station Psychotic? Just plain Psy with ‘Les doigts de la main’ Caz Knight goes to the Peacock Theatre to watch the delicately choreographed interpretation of mental illness on the stage

ne in four people will coming together to execute some finely be diagnosed with a honed routines together. An especially mental illness in their impressive feat of choreography was O life. The human brain the juggling ‘en masse’ involving all each day consumes the eleven dancers. There was also Johnny equivalent energy of two bananas and the constantly horny Addict whirl- contains around 100 billion neurons, ing about in his German wheel; Suzi, each making up to 10,000 synapses. with Intermittent Explosive Disorder It is not often that a show starts with astounding all with her knife manipu- the audience being given a very short lation skills to the sound of slow and introduction to neuroscience as the deliberate dubstep and a very sad and spotlight is shined on them, but thus moving scene where John? Joe? Jim? starts Psy at Sadler’s Wells’ Peacock the Amnesiac (tries to) remember his Theatre – the latest energetic offering juggling skills against an urban back- from French-Canadian dance troupe drop, swapping his props for juggling ‘Les 7 doigts de la main’ (the 7 Fingers). pins and pins for props. It has not been often, either, that the The team chemistry and synchronic- subject of mental illness has been ex- ity is impressive and evident as they plored, portrayed by and given rise to move seamlessly with and around each such an explosion of dance, trapeze other – moving as if part of one inter- swinging, gymnastics, knife throw- connected organism, their routines ing, somersaulting and more. The flowing and changing like an Escher eleven member troupe, many of whom drawing. The playlist that accompa- trained at the National Circus School nies the wild routine moves between in Montreal, each assume the identity the sad and classical and the very mod- of one mental illness and adjust their ern and includes music from the film performance styles accordingly so that Amelie by Yann Tiersen, hip hop and every motion, jump and expression il- the very apt song Frontier Psychiatrist lustrates and brings alive perfectly the (“…that boy needs therapy…”) by the nature of their character’s condition. Avalanches which plays as Dexter with The eclectic mix of agoraphobia, ma- Multiple Personality Disorder vaults nia, addiction, OCD, insomnia and and catapults off his teeterboard. amnesia to name a few is oddly remi- However, it seems unfair to single out niscent of Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over any of the routines for they were all jaw the Cuckoos Nest (a dance version of dropping and all the dancers equally which is actually coming to the Pea- talented, performing their pieces with cock Theatre in June), without being precision and to perfection: never has constrained by the rigid rules of a psy- the audience ever broken into applause chiatric ward. Psy balances the mix of so frequently in any show before, end- individual and group routines as well ing by giving the 7 Fingers an extreme- as interludes of comical dialogue, with ly well deserved standing ovation. each member of the troupe given the Psy continues at the Peacock Thea- chance to convey their mentally ill per- tre, Portugal Street, until May 15th. sona via their specific talents, as well as Tickets start at 10 pounds. One of the acrobatic displays as performed by the Seven Fingers dance troupe for their riveting performance of Psy felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 13 [email protected] ARTS A colourful new fair rolls into London Rosie Milton goes to Somerset House to see the work of up-and-coming contemporary graphic artists

o the first fair of the year for I would have to agree that I would be me, Pick Me Up: Contempo- happy having 85% of what was on dis- rary Graphic Art Fair – held play here, than much of the conceptual S last week at Somerset House work found at Frieze. At least prints, – is apparently the first of drawings and 3D models are tangible, its kind in this country. Set out along as opposed to an idea. two floors in a wing of the regal Som- To expand on the media used in the erset House, the event was welcoming displays, there were not only digital and intimate (as opposed to the over- prints, but also screen printing, block whelming Frieze). printing (actually live by the studio The décor, by way of primary-col- Peepshow, set up in one niche of the oured arrows and shapes, immedi- room), textile prints, illustration, ately tells you that the contents will hand-drawn graphics and 3D mod- offer simple forms. This is the attrac- els such as painted wooden toys. In a tion of graphic art. The experience is separate room a film was playing and something like being in a sweet shop: in another niche of the main room was so much candy on display you want to a stall displaying the treasures of an collect and consume. I found myself East London printing shop, Nobrow. assessing the prices of several of the As I pored over the rich illustrations, prints, eager to add something to my I caught a whiff of freshly printed ink (small, but growing) collection of art. and the boy sitting on the stall con- To get an idea, digital prints by graphic firmed to me that these picture books artist James Joyce ranged from £85- were hot off the press. £95 for one of five editions. Although there was a slight sense The prints that caught my eye were of art-school-amateurism about the one large-scale graphic of a plastic show – the opening gambit being “20 fish soy sauce container (such as you up-and-coming-artists”, the work was find often with take-away sushi), al- good and widely ranging in subject most empty of its liquid and another matter, style and media. of a large black droplet with the words Still considering purchasing an art- ‘we’re doomed’ illustrating light catch- work when I came to the end of the ing the curved edge. exhibition, a room lined with an exclu- Much is pleasing about the graphic sive prints for the show by each of the style and illustration: crisp, bright artists seemed a more appealing and colours, simple signs and text are ‘cheaper’ option for an art-show-tour- combined, resulting in a composition ist like myself. I purchased a cheery or- usually found on consumer prod- ange illustration of an Indian girl with uct packaging or those achingly cool, a child on her back for £20, delighted glossy urban magazines, whose pur- that I could take a piece of the show pose is rarely clear. Here then, the pur- with me. I will definitely be making a pose of Pick Me Up is to bring recog- bee-line for this show next year, if it is nition to graphic art in market terms. to continue. Andrew Rae, ‘King of Beasts’, 2008-09, courtesy and copyright: Peepshow. Peepshow had a pop-up shop at the show

Anthony Burrill, ‘Pick Me Up: Contemporary Graphic Art Fair’, 2009 Nobrow, Miscellaneous Nobrow Press publications, courtesy: Nobrow. Nobrow is located at http://www.nobrow.net 14 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 ARTS [email protected] Let the sun shine! Hallelujahs with Hair Caz Knight takes her 21st-century sentiments to a re-adaptation of the hit 1960s musical at the Gielgud Theatre

The cast in all their rapturous, colourful glory on stage at the Gielgud. The show is said to be extremely inviting – with the cast members actually beckoning members of the audience onto the stage!

orty-three years on and cast and director Diana Paulus have also get the special treat of a close up Hair is still “blowing the now been whisked over to London for view of loose cannon Berger’s (played roof off” our theatres − ac- the next six months to continue in the by Will Swenson) loincloth-clad pack- F cording to both London West End for the current production at age. The show culminates in the inter- producer Cameron Mackin- the Gielgud theatre. active Be-In where the audience are tosh and this reviewer. The American The excitement before the show was tugged from their seats and invited to tribal love-rock musical was written utterly palpable and continued that rave away to Let the Sunshine In as the by young people for young people and way throughout every second of the cast dole out more hugs. marked the beginning of a time where following two and a half hours, largely Not only did Hair get more young said young people began to actually due to the electric cast who brought people going to the theatre but it also want to go to the theatre. Daring, ab- the forty songs, multiple dance rou- paved the way for rock music to be in- surd, surreal, lewd and crude all at tines and plentiful comedy to life. The troduced into theatre. Now we have Je- once, Hair is also both fun and deeply cast members are evidently completely sus Christ Superstar, the Rocky Horror political, tracking the lives of a tribe of in love with each other, confirmed by Show and We Will Rock You, to name New York hippies as they rebel against ‘tribe member’ Crystal Jones speaking a few. the government, ‘square’ parents and after the show – and is it any wonder, Director and critic Charles Marowitz the draft. Free love, free acid and free following month after month of per- wrote of London’s 1968 production of flowing hair abound but the looming forming love-and-drug-fuelled Be-Ins the musical, “it is almost entirely nour- threat and arrival of the draft throw and salacious choreography. The fun ished by the current generation's ha- hippy Claude into moral indecision as they have together is highly infectious. tred of what its 'senior citizens' have al- he deliberates over whether to resist Wonderful cast aside, this produc- lowed America to become”. Words that the draft or resist pacifism. tion of Hair is also magnificent from echo uncannily what many of today’s With book and lyrics by Gerome a purely technical point of view. Stage, youth feel towards the hippy/baby Ragni and James Rado (spotted in the costume, lighting and sound design- boomer generation regarding global audience looking very well preserved ers, not to mention the stellar on-stage warming. Will such feelings of resent- for his seventy eight years) and mu- band, have come together beautifully ment spawn a modern day equivalent sic by Galt Macdermot, this colourful to create an on-stage psychedelic ha- of Hair in protest? and groovy show began life in 1967 ven which creates a powerful atmos- Regardless, this vanguard musical off-Broadway and has since enjoyed phere throughout, especially during is brimming with great music, super lengthy runs on both sides of the At- Claude’s last acid trip before being sent songs and a beautiful cast. To miss it lantic as well as countless recordings off to Nam (where a Black, female Abe would be criminal. of the soundtrack, a film adaptation Lincoln makes an appearance). and several awards including a Tony In true hippy style, the audience are The Broadway cast of Hair continues Award and a Drama Desk Award won hugged, touched, given flowers and in- until September. Thereafter an English by the 2009 Broadway cast. The same vited to a Be-In. Those in the front row cast takes over. The smouldering protagonist himself: Berger, as played by dude Will Swenson felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 15 [email protected] FILM Witness the fall of classical antiquity appears the city of Alexandria will not philosopher, she is focused solely on the different religions are given the ex- fection towards Hypatia remains but be a safe place unless the place is domi- her research and her academia. tra dramatic push with the wonderful as he gets older he turns into a man of Agora nated by a single religion. The hefty number of Goyas (Span- camerawork and music. Massacres are slightly more insight and intelligence, Director Alejandro Amenabar All of this sounds incredibly religion- ish equivalent of the Oscars) won by never easy to watch but they’re even a change that is convincingly showed Screenwriter Mateo Gil heavy – a major downer. But fear not, the technical departments of the film more disturbing to watch when they throughout by Isaac. Cast Rachel Weiz, Max Minghella, for Agora is not just about the religious goes to show that one of the biggest happen repeatedly; Amenába doesn’t Agora is a stirring, epic journey that Oscar Issac conflicts. Director Amenábar amaz- accomplishments of Agora lies in the go overboard though, so they never takes us to unique places and explores ingly manages to include astronomy, special effects, cinematography, cos- get boring. fascinating characters who get caught philosophy, geometry, mathematics tume, make-up, and production de- The action is handled well by much up in extraordinary events. It certain- and romance in the midst of the city’s sign crews. They have all been justly technical flourish, but the rest is up ly is a welcome return from the always JJohnohn PParkark turmoil. The film’s protagonist, Hypa- awarded and it’s easy to marvel at the to the actors. Weisz is on fine form as masterful Amenábar who can bring tia (Rachel Weisz), is an atheist phi- endless technical achievements. Agora usual as the intelligent,gent, independent out all sorts of heart-heart The events in Agora take place in 391 losopher and teacher who is forever immediately turns into a visual treat, woman who cravess knowledge more wrenching ememo-o A.D. as the sun starts to set on the fascinated by and is trying to figure out with the flawless, epic recreation of Al- than anything else in the world. She tions withwithh theth Roman Empire. Christianity is gain- how Earth fits into the solar system. exandria, recapturing the city in all its is an atheist, and thishis does inevitably help of hihis ing more and more power from the She has some rough ideas, but nothing glory initially, but later, in its decline. land her into trouble,ble, but she is not talentedtalentedd castcas public and the number of believers is is definite for sure. She has love inter- The details are hard to ignore and the a weak-spirited person.rson. She is head- and crcrew.rewe growing exponentially every day. This ests, Orestes (Oscar Isaac), her student grandness of it all is a dazzling view. strong and brave, qualitiesualities Weisz por- AncientAncient means trouble for the pagans and the and Davus (Max Minghella), her slave, Crucial events occur in the biggest trays beautifully. MinMinghella,ghella, the slave, history atheists. As the Christians are growing but she is far too busy to address them. places, the library of Alexandria, the therefore creating the forbidden love hashas neverneve in momentum and power, their hatred She does notice them but her love to- town square etc, and they are sights to subplot, is also hugelygely effective. The looked sos towards other religions also grows. It wards them is strictly platonic: a true behold. The sacking of the Alexandria frustration and confusiononfusion his char- good. library carried out by the Christians acter experiences as he finds himselhimselff who drive out the pagans from the torn between religionion and his eternal library is handled with perfectly con- love for a woman he never will be trolled pace. There is enough speed to able to have for himselfimself are well es- build up plenty of tension and a strong tablished by the young actor’s sense of urgency but it’s never rushed exceptional performance.formance. past, the camera does linger in certain He doesn’t have a lot places to give the audience the maxi- of dialogue and reliesies mum amount of detailed, vivid drama, on his body move-e- and a chance for the excellent musical ments to do the score to thrive. acting, a method Amenábar is a big fan of using aerial that pays off im- shots and he uses them in all the right mensely due to his moments. And with these shots, he talent. Yet another can show the spectacularly rebuilt city stand-out here is of Alexandria in one big sweep, as well Isaac, playing thee as the large crowds of people flowing character that com-m- in and out of the city that closely re- pletes the love trian-an- semble little bugs swarming the place, gle. He’s a slimy, arro- which is a truly exhilarating visual ex- gant student to startart with perience. The struggles surrounding but his character chanchanges:ges: his aaf-f- Kicks - two girls, one footballer

expect of a Premiereship footballer let down by the story which never re- Kicks who finds himself on the wrong side ally amounts to anything. It is at times Director Lindy Heymann of the girls affections, when a transfer painful to watch the plot meander to- Screenwriter Leigh Campbell to Madrid is approved. At the heart of wards the predictable climax which is Cast Nichola Burley, Kerrie Hayes, the film lies the relationship between where the film breaks down, the writ- Jaimie Doyle the girls, whose worship of the celeb- ers apparently not sure what to do. rity footballer arises due to broken The soundtrack is provided by the families. The shy Nicole is portrayed Scouse electro pop outfit Ladytron rather brilliantly by Hayes, whose del- which makes up for some of the origi- EEdd KKnocknock Film Editor icate innocence is caused by the ab- nality lacking in the film. Kicks has it’s sence of her parents whereas Jasmine faults but it has many strong points Emerging from Liverpool after the is showered with money and clothes too, especially in the rising stars of city’s stint as European Capital of Cul- but finds comfort with Nicole that her Nichola Burley and Kerrie Hayes. Es- ture, Kicks is a dark slow drama delv- crass parents can never offer. sentially it’s a flawed fable about the ing into the world of celebrity obses- Unfortunately the performances are dangers of celebrity culture. sion. And I mean slow, the snailpace of this film drags out its bare plot to the point of exasperation. Nichola Burley, last seen viciously seeking revenge in Donkey Punch, slips easily into the role of Jasmine, The explosive trailer for Machete has just gone up on desperate to fulfil her dream of mar- rying a footballer and getting her ‘tits’ the internet. A bit ironic when you consider that the done. After meeting Nicole (newcom- film is based on a fake trailer itself. Oh well, feast your er Kerrie Hayes), the two girls bond over their love for Liverpool United eyes on this impressive cast - Dany Trejo, Michelle superstar Lee Cassidy (Jamie Doyle). Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal Cue endless shots of the mottled con- crete that infests Merseyside as the and Robert de Niro! Robert Rodriguez has promised girls stalk their idol at his home and this film is going to be pure Mexploitation. Watch the club. Lee is deliberately played with all trailer now at http://bit.ly/bfBG0n the arrogant unpleasantness you’d 16 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010

TTextext in to 07832670472 CAT-NIP Email in at [email protected] TweetTweet @felixcatnip

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? The Election: And The THE SUMMER TERM: Winner Is... It’s going to be Cameron, defo, as much as I hate to admit it. DOWNHILL SLOPE OR WELCOME TO HELL? Even if he is a posh git with an unnaturally smooth forehead. JOKES, LETTERS, OPINIONS  WE WANT THEM ALL! First Year Computing Student I agree with Nick. Email: [email protected] Text: 07832670472 Third Year Biologist Do you think the reason Cameron keeps bringing up these Facebook: Felix Fan Page Twitter: @felixcatnip people he met is because he ran over a prostitute in the Conservative party bus and is desperately trying to establish an alibi? Second Year Medic

If it’s a hung parliament, does that mean that Brown and Clegg have to fuse into Prime Minister Clown? Bregg?! Drunken-mate photo of the week First Year Engineer Got a picture of A letter over toilets t’s a funny thing; anonymity. I have not quite pinned your mate being down what I want this column to be about, its raison I d’etre if you will. I don’t even know if this constitutes a column or as I write whether this will make felix. an absolute waste Anyway, as the name suggests, I do enjoy a certain Ameri- can drama and as a result, thought that I might amuse my- self with certain musings I had during my exam period. It is of oxygen? Well, also an excuse for not concentrating on regurgitating endless reams of exam-rot.  ere were certain things that kept me going and it was my idea to share some with you.  ings like get your camera the bittersweet smell of a toilet that the previous occupant had chosen to disembowel himself on and had the nerve to look you in the eye as he watched you walk into that wall of out and email your striking stench. Or how about the savages who mummy never taught to say ‘thank you’ when someone holds a door open for you...assholes. drunken-mate So where was I? I hope that I am allowed to continue in my anonymity and evolve this contribution. As many of you fel- low closet Gossip Girl enthusiasts will appreciate I think that photos to catnip. this paper can do with more contributions from the readers. So next time you see someone on their lonesome reading a Felix engage them on the topic of this off ering. Live a little [email protected] and tell the spellcheck to screw itself (not advised in a course- work submission). If you think of something that really gets Drunk mates make the perfect canvas for shaving foam masterpieces. When your goat then hit me up and I will vent through the veil of this guy woke up, he found himself as a prize exhibit in the Tate Modern. anonymity [read Cowardice] with unbridled passion and il- literacy. Senders must have permission to use submitted photos and accept full responsibility for them From the lower south side, Gossip Boyo

With numbers (and other things), Aunty McPickle likes them the bigger the better!

Dear Aunty McPickle, Dear Phil, On reaching a gyrating climax, my Dear Aunty McPickle, friend pulled out and exploded on I am writing to you in a state of sheer I am already acquainted with this story, my leg. Whilst taking part in a sexual team panic. I have recently participated in as are most of your peers. I suggest you sport, I came on a teammate’s leg. an experiMENTAL foursome with dig up the video evidence that is doing My initial horror was short-lived It appeared to be an accident but three mechengers. It was all a bit of the rounds. You should be able to piece and a wave of joy over came me. was actually a passionate sign of my drunken fun. it together from that. Hope you sort it I’ve since been fantasising about his deepest affections. Finally acting out out. love-juice and can’t bring myself to my leg fantasy has made me realise The problems is I am now carrying a wash it off. Is this normal? I need him more than ever. What to womb-curse of a baby. It was dark at Aunty McPickle xxx do? the time, I was disorientated but I’ve Anonymous It’s Time for some afternoon delight! narrowed it down to two potential Barry LAD Chuckle fathers, thanks to one cumming on Dear Aunty McPickle, Dear Anonymous, another boy’s leg. Dear Barry, satisfy both your needs. Please let us I had a recent epiphany during a Please see response below. (I think this know how your new found relation- What should I do? group sexual encounter that in- means you can wash) Coincidently I have been contacted by ship develops. volved several close friends. Secre- the concerned party and suggest you Big Phil tions were flying back and forth. Aunty McPickle xxx pursue a long-term arrangement to Aunty McPickle xxx Want to pose naked for your club or society? [email protected] OUTDOOR CLUB 18 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 Music Editors: Alexandra Ashford, Kadhim Shubber & Luke TurnerTurner MUSIC Online Editor: Christopher WalmsleyWalmsley [email protected] www.felixmusic.tk Hip-hop and oriental philosophy...? Greg Power explores the unlikely fusion of gangsta rap and samurai warriors

id you know that hip- ism and kung-fu movies adapted to tlefield. In Kobayashi’s 1962 classic Ha- as they slice and dice. Shinichiro Wa- hop was invented in their experiences of life on the streets rakiri the hero defeats an entire band tanabe’s anime series Samurai Cham- Feudal Japan? No? Well of New York City. They incorporate of samurai and proceeds to cut their ploo which aired in Japan in D neither did I until I comic book imagery of kung fu fight- topknots off, the sign of their samurai 2005 frequently inserted watched Tajomaru, a ing into the hardships of being gangsta, status, knowing they will have to kill elements of hip hop culture 2009 Japanese movie about an out- mixing Chinese words with their own themselves because of the disgrace of in every episode; rap, break lawed Royal who leaves his kingdom slang (for example they refer to their this loss. In the same way one deci- dancing, turntablism, hip to become a badass with an over- native Staten Island as “Shaolin”). The sive verbal jab about how overweight hop slang, and graffiti are sized sword. Besides being a decent Clan’s spiritual leader and producer an opponent’s mother is results in his aplenty. The crossover is hack’n’slash 16th Century Japanese RZA has written two philosophical utter humiliation, loss of honour and complete. epic, there was one scene which com- books titled “The Wu-Tang Manual” subsequent stutter of death. The ultimate fusion of both pletely destroyed the po-faced tone of and “The Tao of Wu” which describe These analogies are best exempli- cultures arrived in 2007 the movie: when the exiled swords- in depth the beliefs and founding prin- fied in Jim Jarmusch’s incredible Ghost when Takashi Okazaki’s man meets a group of bandits pillag- ciples of the group. Dog: Way of The Samurai, the story of love of hip-hop music ing a village, they stop and present This is where the link is: self-pro- a ghetto hit man who lives by the codes and American media themselves and their wonderful lives claimed “gangstas” may rap about mur- of the Hagakure, an 18th-century Japa- were combined in his of rape and murder in rap format, der, prison, misogyny and arson but nese warrior text. The soundtrack is avant-garde manga Afro complete with breakdancing and all. they all stick to a certain code among hip-hop in all its glory (scored by the Samurai, featuring an It’s a hilarious moment which seems their individual circles. Honour thine RZA) and Forest Whitaker is spot-on African-American samurai weird at first but is actually quite fit- Homie, rob from the rich and give to as the gangster-turned-modern samu- who travels the land kill- ting in the context. the poor, live by the sword and die by rai who carries the film to its final ing hundreds of enemies in This got me thinking about how in- the sword and so on. There is a certain massacre. Another tribute to kung fu a quest to avenge his father’s tertwined hip-hop and oriental culture morality to their lyrics which can only movies and Japanese anime was Taran- death. This was later adapted have become over the years. These be related back to things like the Bush- tino’s Kill Bill, again scored by the RZA into an award-winning anime se- two seemingly opposing worlds have ido, the Samurai code by which retain- and featuring some tasty beats over a ries scored by (you guessed it) the collided in numerous media formats ers were taught to obey and defend blood-splattered bride killing every- RZA and voiced by Samuel L. Jack- leading me to the conclusion that there their feudal lord above all else. These one in her way. These Western movies son. It is now being developed as a must be some sort of link between the warriors were ready to sacrifice their both associate tales of revenge carried Hollywood movie, which just goes two. lives in the name of a cause which may out by honour-bound warriors with a to show how the two seemingly Indeed, since starting out in 1992, seem ridiculous in our day and age, but hip-hop soundtrack. opposite worlds have become the Wu-Tang Clan – arguably the back then meant everything. It is all It would seem that it is also a two- almost synonymous in some greatest hip-hop crew ever – have about honour, much like rap battles are way street then, since hip-hop is now people’s minds. And with based their entire mythology and lyri- all about coming out victorious having becoming a typical soundtrack for good reason: they’re both cal content on Chinese culture, Tao- crushed your enemy on the lyrical bat- samurai warriors to bop their heads to hella badass.

The Great Escape Hush - 12th May

If you’re lucky enough not to be revis- Hush...! Don’t tell everyone but ing (and you must be if you’re read- there’s a show combining all sorts of ing this) how about heading down to fun happenings a mere stone’s throw Brighton for a weekend festival this from Imperial at the Royal Albert month? Over 350 bands are playing at Hall. Hush combines indie-folk and various clubs and venues around the classical music, beatboxing, stand- town and if it’s sunny you might even up comedy and flamenco dancing. enjoy the beaches too. What’s not to like? It’s a night of folky bliss and enchantment. It’s al- ways good to see bands playing out Virus Syndicate Motorpsycho Who: here in often music-barren South London, so you don’t have to trek The Breakout Trilogy Heavy Metal Fruit Where do I even begin? If you’re fond of half way down Oxford Street or all the sand dunes and salty air there’s Groove way to Shoreditch. On top of that, it’s Armada, punk-reggae legends The only £7.50! Virus Syndicate ally the murky beats Motorpsycho are an institution in their Slits, indie cool kids like The Big Pink of dubstep, courtesy of DJ MRK1, native Norway, described as “one of and Wild Beasts. Here’s a very short- with the grime vocals of emcees music’s best kept secrets”. This state- ened list: The Sunshine Underground, Who: Goldfinger, JSD and Nika D. But ment does not seem far-fetched upon Crystal Fighters, Chase & Status, Tinie this ain’t Kode9 & Spaceape. The listening to their fourteenth full-length Tempah, Broken Social Scene, Japan- Headlining is the indie-folk fantastic tracks here have lost the grittiness of album (and 50th-something release droids, I Blame Coco, These New Puri- Peggy Sue, one of Kadhim’s favourite both aforementioned genres by be- counting EPs and live albums since the tans, The Walkmen, Cornershop, Slow artists. Joining them is pop singer- ing completely overproduced. They band’s inception in 1989) Heavy Metal Club, Tuung, Ellie Goulding, Marina & songwriter Anna Calvi and the earthy differ from the growing number of Fruit. the Diamonds, Mount Kimbie, Django orchestral rock of Canada’s the Rural generic dubstep “tunes” by the vo- Equal parts prog-rock, psychedelic Django, and so on... Alberta Advantage. cals, but these range from menacing jams and stoner-metal, Motorpsycho (Anything) to comedic (Crazy) to produce songs fusing the raw heavi- melodramatic and plain laughable ness and dynamic range of Kyuss with (Believe). The only genuine tune is the structural complexity of Tool, When & Where: When & Where: Talk to Frank, an ode to the drugs throwing in some incredible jazz licks industry with a genius chorus. In the and rock n’ roll riffs. Six tracks of glori- Brighton Elgar Room @ The Royal Albert Hall end, though, they’re just flogging a ous sing-a-long vocals and far-out lyr- 13th - 14th May 12th May stillborn horse with “pop-step’ writ- ics make for an exhilarating and trippy £55 (3 day ticket) or less for single days £7.50 ten all over it. hour-long space odyssey. More Info and Full Lineup More Info - Greg Power - Greg Power http://www.escapegreat.com http://www.royalalberthall.co.uk felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2009 19 [email protected] MUSIC French band the Shoes on remixes and casual racism

How do each of you contribute to And how do you feel when other And there are a lot of good bands right each song you make? And how do people have re-worked your songs, now. If before the French weren’t in the you tell the other if they have a rub- does it take a while to get used to UK it was because they were not good bish idea that you don’t want to use? the fact that they have completely enough I guess. Or do you politely accept it and cry messed with it? yourselves to sleep? As an artist, what do you think It’s always the same. At the first lis- makes a good gig? How do you We say it very directly. “C’est de la ten, we always hate it! It’s always very try to distinguish yourselves from merde”. But I think we need to find strange. And we listen to it again and other bands in the live scene in or- another technique, because when Ben again. And sometimes it’s very good, der to make sure that the audience says that to me I can disappear from even better than the original. For our walk away knowing they have had a the studio for two or three days to be next EP we did a song with Esser called unique “The Shoes” experience? angry on my own like a kid, thinking “Stay The Same”, we’ve got a lot of that I’m a genius and how much I don’t great remixes! From Etienne de Crecy, The Oui Love tour will be the first time need him... But I’m always back, and... IsolŽe, Harvard Bass and Siriusmo. we’ll play our new live show. Before, we hmm... yes it was shit! Classy remixers, we are very proud. were in a kind of “electronic DJ” per- formance. A dance music act. Now we How important are the visual as- You’re taking part in the Oui Love want to show what our record is. So we pects (artwork, videos, or even the Exchange Tour which will make peo- play a lot of crazy keyboard, we sing, way you present yourselves)? Do ple more aware of some of the latest there are even soft songs. It’s gonna be you see the whole thing as one or are French acts. Apart from Daft Punk the “pop” side of The Shoes. The side they all vehicles to carry your music? This was a full length picture but we don’t have space for it. bet you’re and Air, what other artists would we prefer at the moment. wondering what their shoes are like, aren’t you? you recommend in order to rid our So we are very excited! I think it’s a whole project. I am very ignorance of French music? Why do bored with Graphic design, and graph- you think that there is such a lack of Interview by Lily Le ic designers (I think 90% of the hipsters forming a song into an alternative same vocals melody you can create French musicians in the mainstream think they are graphic designers). We version when you do this? Do you so many different atmospheres. Our charts in the UK? prefer photography, something sim- put a “The Shoes” twist on it, or per- favourite remixes are the “pop” ones. The Shoes are playing in ple. Not too many colours. That’s why haps polish it into a version of what Not club. We love to do something soft Because you’re Racist! Hahaha, seri- we worked with Gavin Watsons (He you think it should sound like? and very pop. Unexpected. For exam- ously, I think (I hope) that it’s chang- London at the Mac Beth did the famous picture books called ple, check our remix of Telepathe or ing step by step. Before, the famous on the 14th of May, get “Skins” and “Rave 89”) We love doing remixes. It a funny our remix of Adam Kesher. Sometimes French artists were only in electronic game. We only keep Vocals. Always. we’re a bit bored with dance remixes. music, like Daft Punk. But since the your shoes on and go see You’ve done a lot of remixes for oth- Because it’s really cool to create a new We never dance by the way. success of Phoenix, we’ve begun to them! er bands, is it simply a case of trans- harmony with the vocal line. With the be good at pop music and rock’n’roll.

We’ve got rooms available in Wilson House, Paddington and Fisher Hall, South Kensington, which If you’re staying in are both ideal for London over the getting around Summer or you’re London. just visiting for a few days, keep things simple by More information can by found online: staying with us. www.imperial.ac.uk/accommodation t: 020 7594 9444 e: [email protected] unionpage A fi rst look at your new bar and nightclub

As work continues in what was dB’s our architect has been working on the designs for the new bar and Metric. These designs are based on the feedback from our working group as well as from staff and sabbaticals.

We are really excited to show them to you now and get your feedback. These are the fi rst of many detailed designs that we will have over the coming months as building work ramps up on both the nightclub and the bar.

Metric The Bar/Cafe Our new nightclub Metric will inherit much of The still-to-be-named bar and cafe will have it’s look and feel from the features we have a very bright and fresh feel so that it serves uncovered during the demolition process. as an ideal destination to go for a drink or The club will feature a main section with a meal. warehouse feel. The fl oor and bar will be polished concrete which is not only hard The existing booth seating will be replaced wearing, but also provides an edgy, modern with more space-effi cient booths that link urbanity feel. The walls and ceiling will have the walled seating with the rest of the room. exposed brick work and beams making the The room will feature exposed brickwork Metric most of the space we have available. The behind the bar and polished wooden main area also features booth seating which fl ooring. faces towards the dancefl oor and stage. The bar itself will be considerably longer The dancefl oor in Metric will be wooden to than it currently is in da Vinci’s allowing for distinguish the area from the rest of the club. faster service. Again, the bar will be made The stage will be raised with a permanent of concrete and above the bar will also DJ booth behind it. The DJ booth will be a be concrete. We hope to project onto the centrepiece of Metric complete with an LED concrete above the bar to show sports and acrylic wall which can change colour and television programmes. design. Behind the bar will be new offi ces for the bar Since Metric needs to be an inviting venue team as well as a new large cellar which will on non-club nights too, the bar also faces service all the bars across the entire venue. onto a lounge area which has a lower ceiling There will also be a new kitchen designed for and more comfortable seating. This area is quicker service both at lunchtimes and in the intended to be more chilled out offering an evenings. ideal area for a drink during the day or a break from the bustle of the dancefl oor.

For more images and information online, head to the The Bar/Cafe Phase 3 blog: imperialcollegeunion.org/phase3.

1. Grey polished concrete bar 5. Spirit optics 10 9 2. Black tiles to front of bar with full 6. Beer font/serving stations 7. length steel kick bar Feature ‘ribbon’ Exposed brickwork wall behind bar 8. New door to manager’s offi ce 3 3. Grey polished concrete panels 9. Exposed structural beams 4 7 8 5 4. Recessed illuminated bar shelving 10. Plasterboard soffi t with recessed 6 1 units light fi ttings 2

1. Black polished concrete bar 5. Spirit optics 2. Grey polished concrete bar 6. Beer font/serving stations 10 9 underside with power jet cut 7. Exposed brickwork 3 holes for integrated displacement 8. Feature ribbon with integrated 4 5 ventilation ventilation system behind 7 8 3. Feature ‘ribbon’ wall behind bar 9. Exposed structural beams 6 1 4. Recessed illuminated bar shelving 10. Acoustic board treatment to soffi t 2 units imperialcollegeunion.org 2010 Summer Elections – Colours nominations open now Nominations open NOW!

Nominations are now open for the 2010 For fuller information on Club Nights, head to Summer Elections. the Phase 3 blog: imperialcollegeunion.org/ phase3. This year’s elections are especially important because we will be electing a Sabbatical If you would like to be on this committee and Offi cer to fi ll the Deputy President help shape the Union’s Entertainments, or (Education) role – which is now vacant many other facets of the Union, make sure following the resignation of last term’s you stand in these 2010 Summer Elections. winning candidate – as well as numerous Union Offi cers. The full list of positions available is: • Deputy President (Education) – this is a We are also electing people to stand on full-time, paid position requiring the winning What are Colours? a new board: the Ents Committee. candidate to take a year out of their studies. Colours are a type of award that Imperial College Union can give to anybody to recognise This committee will have its the service, contribution and dedication of someone to the Union. There are fi ve types of Colours that are broadly separated into two groups. The fi rst fi rst meeting later this • 1 x Student Trustee three Colours, which are Half Colours, Full Colours and Outstanding Service Awards, are term. It will convene Summer • 3 x Ents Committee awarded in recognition of one year’s service to the Union. The other two Colours, which termly to give opinion Members are Fellowships and Distinguished Fellowships, are awarded in recognition of many year’s on how the Union’s • Equal Opportunities service to the Union. Entertainments are Offi cer being run, and suggest • Council Chair Who can be nominated for Colours? 2010 Anybody can be nominated for these awards, except the Union Sabbatical Offi cers and the any improvements. • RAG Chair Felix Editor. • CAG Chair The Ents Committee Bright candidates Who can nominate someone for Colours? will also play a big part required! For more information on the Any Imperial student can complete a nomination form, but it’s best not to nominate in a new initiative we will elections, including descriptions yourself! be implementing next term, of each position, campaign What happens if you are awarded a Colours currently tentatively known as “Club rules and a full timetable head online to Being awarded a Colours is a great honour and privilege. Those who receive these awards Nights”. Next year, once Metric is open, imperialcollegeunion.org/elections where are presented with an award certifi cate at a ceremony, a tie or pin, and in the case of the the Union will host Club Nights fortnightly you can download a Candidates Pack. higher awards a gift like an engraved tankard or Honorary Life membership of the Union. on Thursdays and Saturdays. Union clubs The Union keeps a record of all the people awarded Colours. and societies will have the opportunity to To stand for election head to the voting site: What do you need to do to be awarded a Colour? use Metric to host themed parties on these imperialcollegeunion.org/vote. • To be awarded Half Colours you need to have made a “positive contribution to the general nights, aimed at the entire student body, not life of the Union in an extraordinary fashion.” just members of their society. Nominations close on the 17 May at 23:59 • To be awarded Full Colours you have to “repeatedly, through outstanding achievements, Voting opens 24 May at 00:01 and closes on over the course of the year, have made a signifi cant contribution to the life of the Union.” If your society wants to host a Club Night, the 27 May at 23:59 • For an Outstanding Service Award “you will have displayed continuous outstanding achievement across a broad spectrum of Union activities.” Few of these are given out, you will have to submit an idea to the Results announced 28 May. only fi ve a year at most. Ents Committee, which will then vote to • The Fellowship and Distinguished Fellowship awards are much harder to get as they are determine the best proposal. We will be are based on the contribution the awardee has made over a length of time. taking submissions for the autumn 2010 • To receive a Union Fellowship award you need to “have continuously served the Union in Club Nights later this term an exceptional manner.” Very few of these are given out. • To receive a Distinguished Fellowship you need to have “served the Union in a selfl ess once the Ents Committee has and dedicated manner which is both exceptional and beyond reproach.” formed. Stand for If you don’t know which award to nominate someone for then choose the one you feel is nomination! appropriate and the Colours Committee will change if necessary. How can I nominate someone?

Nominations are open from Tuesday 4th May 2010 to midnight Tuesday 25 May at 12 noon. Nomination forms can be downloaded from the Union website and should be emailed to [email protected].

You’ll have to give the name of the nominee, the award you are nominating them for and tell us, in less than 200 words, why you think they should get it. Also include your name and CID.

What happens then?

Your nominations will be considered by the Union’s Colours Committee and then To stand for nomination head to: the results will be announced towards the end of the term in Felix and successful nominees will be given their awards at a Colours ceremony which will take place on imperialcollegeunion.org/vote. the 11th June in the Union Dining Hall at 6.30pm. 22 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 TTravelravel Editor Dylan LoweLowe TRAVEL [email protected] Experiences don’t cost anything Gap year free of charge? Globetrotting penniless? felix seeks ways to take advantage of the tourism industry’s little nuggets, and examines how money-saving these freebies truly are in planning your big trip

othing is truly free nowadays. De facto. Don’t FREE Transport succumb to the sweet enticing promises of free- bies thinking it’s an absolute loss-free advantage, FREE Tours because even during our runs of ‘fortune’, money Hike till you drop still leaks out of our wallets like a prickled barrel. NeedlessN to say, this applies to the travel industry as well: like the Many cities have tour companies that You can always consider the option of walking. It certainly online surveys you fill in to win luxury holiday packages, which offer free tour, usually in an effort to isn’t the most appealing idea ever, though it does have immense is preceded by an Internet bill; like the free-boat-ride-for-three entices customers with charismatic health and spiritual benefits. Britt Das, who runs the charity that comes with a box of cereal that you purchased. And it isn’t guides, animated presentations and ‘Footprints for Freedom’, walked from her native Netherlands just the monetary stuff we’re talking about: time, energy, moral a more casual atmosphere in order to to Tibet to raise awareness for world peace. obligations, all indication that the free-of-charge ideal simply sell other priced services it offers. On the flip side, both physical prowess and mental toughness cannot exist. are tested. Cautionary tales include Matt Boyle’s quest to trek Despair not, fellow travellers. I didn’t imply that there’s noth- Verdict: from Bristol to India, whose journey fell short of completion ing out there that will help you save a few bucks when you’re out A free tour is free, but then so is when he gave up in Calais due to a ‘language barrier’. on the road. Combine a little bit of wit and resourcefulness, a wandering down the street. A rel- dash of corporate promotional giveaways, plus a whack load of atively petty gain. At least if you Verdict: genuine charity and hospitality, you might just have yourself a think the tour guide as the cha- Too much effort, says the Travel Editor, and infinitely concoction that will help you patch up that barrel of yours. risma of a rotten carrot you won’t unappealing to those who are slothful and unfit, both And so we analyse some ways you can adapt to travel without feel bad (to yourself) for leaving. traits that he possesses. having to casting a single penny.

FREE Accommodation FREE Credit Card Bonuses If in desperation, cardboard boxes are always free. Though If the creditor is mortal manifestation of Death himself, then surely the credit sleeping rough isn’t something felix advocates. Well, not say- card is his scythe. For all the living inferno caused by the credit crunch, and the ing it isn’t fun or eye-opening – well, I’m drifting into a tangent reckless spending they represent, which we as students strive to avoid like the now. There are many online communities that offer to facilitate plague, little wonder credit cards are generally dismissed solely as a means to house swaps, couch lending etc. among travellers. Hitchhiking burn money. Not if you look more closely at some of the benefits that come with a card application, and manage your spending a little more wisely. CouchSurfing You know me: I cannot recommend this enough. Far from be- ing a lost art, it’s very much alive – not only does it exist as RAG Getting Air Miles Oh CouchSurfing (www.couchsurfing.org), that absolutely or charity events, many hitchhikers hitch-hike as an ordinary legendary network that seems to hang on the tip of every means of getting from A to B. In Germany, for example, I had Many frequent flyer programmes have affiliated credit cards that allow you traveller’s tongue. It is the non-profitable organisation’s mis- stumbled across Germans and foreigners (including myself) to convert your daily spending into air miles, which can be used to redeem free sion to connect travellers with locals, and judging by how alike huddled in petrol stations and waving their thumbs in an flights, hotel rooms, etc. Additionally, some offer benefits to charm customers often it dominates as topic of travel-related conversations attempt to get a lift. into scrambling for an application form. While some cards require an annual since founded in 2004, there is little doubt that it’s a phe- fee, the ones we are concerning ourselves here are completely free-of-charge. nomal success. Verdict: It is, however, important to compare to make sure you’ve got the best deal. For the benefit of those unfamiliar with CouchSurfing, it It’s a wonderful way to get around. Your exposure to The British Airways Amex Credit Card, for instance, gives away one BA Mile is a website where members host a traveller in their homes, new cultures, languages, customs will commence the for every £1 spent, as well as 1000 BA Miles when you spend more than £500 and/or themselves being hosted by fellow members, by prior moment you hitch your first ride. The unpredictability within the first three months of the membership. In contrast, the Lloyds TSB exchange and arrangement online. Bluntly, a free bed given of hitchhiking will be your supplier of free thrills, and Airmiles Duo offers a 1500 mile voucher when you spend £10 in the first two that you would provide likewise, though no such obligation the sheer joy in creating friendships out of complete months, along with one mile for every £10 spent. Nevertheless 1500 Lloyds TSB is compulsory. strangers within fleeting encounters is, in all honesty, Airmiles is enough for redeeming two flights to a Zone 1 destination – Paris, overwhelming. Amsterdam and Dublin for instance – British Airways’ equivalent of which Verdict: Here are the downsides: it’s potentially dangerous, it’s would demand a whooping 18,000 BA Miles. Nobody can refuse a free bed. I do, however, avoid Couch- not for the squeamish, and it certainly isn’t for the freak- Surfing due to the simple fact that I can’t host anyone ishly pre-prepared. Verdict: – sometimes moral obligations can be more demanding Potentially shockingly good deals to be pocketed, though the research than coerced cooperation. Some travellers may have trust phase of the bargain-hunting isn’t exactly effortless. And let’s not for- issues and feel insecure in strangers’ homes, which is un- get the money that has to be spent before you start earning air miles. derstandable. Another similar network worth considering Oversee with caution or the credit cards may turn out to be a financial is The Hospitality Club (www.hospitalityclub.org), which burden. came into existence in 2000 and is eponymously hospital- ity-themed. Being one of the older kids in the neighbour- hood it has a more extensive database of members than CouchSurfing and is definitely worth your while.

Truth is, it’s a less profitable profession gers very often receive offers to review Volunteering Verdict: FREE Expenses than you think. products free of charge. This is what volunteerism is all While professional and freelance travel Not the pretentious CV-booster volun- about, instead of slum excursions writers are assumed to be travelling at the Verdict: teering tourism that costs a grand. Thou- offered by hotels and unscrupulous, There are many more ways to travel for expense of their newspaper or magazine A controversial one. The compulsion sands of non-profitable organisations highly profitable enterprises that free than begging, stealing, and becom- editors, publications don’t like subsidised is that you write favourably to repay- are actively seeking extra hands and will have more interest in beguiling than ing an MP. Here are felixTravel’s personal trips. Not only because they would hate to ing the generosity of your client. Or happily provide food and accommoda- helping those in need. Rather than favourites: part with their cash – should the writers you can grow a conscience and see tion in exchange for a good day’s work. paying for a tailor-made volunteer- be claiming expenses – they see a piece where that takes you. MatadorNetwork has a list of ten volun- ing programme that is no different Travel Writing written by someone who has received On top of that, one major flaw: your teer opportunities that come with little to a package holiday and offers little freebies as compromised and biased. Not writing career will not take flight or no cost (matadornetwork.com), which freedom, enjoy the spontaneity and The Dream Job couldn’t be spelt in an- saying one’s destined to be uncritical, but when you can’t write to save your is a good starting point for searching for a confrontation with serendipity a other way: every avid traveller craves to that it happens. own life. reputable organisation to work with. good programme brings. The incon- write their way around the world. With the rise of travel blogging, blog- venience, of course, is finding one. felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 23 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs TECHNOLOGY [email protected] The World Cup in HD There are only 34 days left till kick off. Are you and your TV ready? Eye-bleeding detail abound SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor get the World Cup in HD. The other free-to-air service FreeSat HD, a part- SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor nership between the BBC and ITV, The World Cup is coming and it’s only currently offers BBC HD and ITV HD, 34 days away! That’s 32 of the best with other HD channels promised in teams from around the world, bat- the next couple of years. As the name D, it’s the future and it’s might be the last of its kind however, tling it out over 30 days, through group implies, FreeSat uses a satellite dish to here now! Or is 3D the if Microsoft and others have their way. stages and knockout games, all to get pull down its signal, which is great if H future? Why not 3DHD? Gone will be the physical discs of yes- their hands on that elusive golden tro- you happen to be living in a place with 3DHD on your 52” OLED terday, and in will be the newfangled phy. That’s a lot of quality football, and a Sky dish or other digital satellite dish FreeviewHD TV. What a mouthful, super-highspeed super-mega-turbo-ul- this year we’ll get the chance to see the on the roof. Whether you’re thinking of and it looks like it’s only going to get tra connections and their instant down- whole lot in glorious HD. getting rid of your Sky service or want worse in the near future with all sorts loads. Problem is Britain’s certainly not Meh, I hear you say. Why would I to put up a new satellite dish, FreeSat of new acronym-brandishing technol- going to be ready for it if we go along want to see football in HD? What pos- carries loads of free-to-air channels as ogies on their way. with what government calls ‘highspeed sible benefit is it to football? Well, I well as HD offerings. To take advan- It’s not all bad though, because pre- internet’. That’s 2Mbit ‘broadband’ if could bang on about how HD has up tage of FreeSat HD, you again need an sumably one day HD won’t be high- you didn’t know. My cellphone gets to 5 times the level of detail of SD, HD capable FreeSat box, which starts definition any more, once everything is that kind of bandwidth and honestly, I and that it’s broadcast with a Dolby at around £100 or an HDTV with Free- HD. At that point we’ll get 4KHD; four think it’s practically crawling. What will Digital sound track, but I’m not going HD-ready or Full HD, it doesn’t mean Sat HD built-in. FreeSat HD PVRs are times the eye-bleeding detail of regular 2Mbit be like in the future, or even 2012 to hit you over the head with that old you’re watching an HD broadcast. But also available and they start around the HD. We already have cameras record- for that matter? The internet with the rhetoric. it’s an easy and relatively painless up- £250 mark. ing things in 4K and even 8K, but that’s hand brake on I’m guessing. grade for most, now that Freeview has If you want more channels than the a good thing, because once the relent- But what is government expected to gone HD. For those of us in London, free-to-air services provide, then you less onward march of technology gets do? Especially in this economic climate? the Freeview service that you know might want to look at the various sub- those kinds of displays into our homes, In all honesty, I don’t know. I hope com- “everything that’s and love began broadcasting in HD in scription services that are available. we’ll already have the content available panies like Virgin Media and BT, pile the December of last year. Unfortunately If you’re in a cable area then you can to make them shine. The BBC and alike investment in, to get us truly connected exciting about to receive the HD channels, BBC HD, take advantage of Virgin Media’s HD have been recording things with HD in the Gbps realm, at least in major cit- ITV HD and Channel 4 HD, you’ll have packages with a V HD box costing you cameras for years, which is why you can ies. You can’t expect a company that has football is pin sharp to either buy a new TV with Freeview a one off fee of £49 or free on the TV get the old, yet still digitally recorded to make money to fork out a boat load HD built-in or buy a new Freeview HD XL package. You then pay for one of programs in HD now. to make sure Fred living on his country and in exquisite receiver. Similar to the Freeview boxes the Virgin Media TV packages, which Blu-Ray has been making ground in estate is connected. The digital divide that were bought to receive the digital range from £11.50 to £29 without a recent months, having shown a relative- might end up evolving into the high- detail” free-to-air service in the beginning, Virgin phone line. Virgin Media also ly lacklustre adoption after ‘winning’ speed divide in the modern intercon- these Freeview HD boxes pick up both offer a HD PVR box called the V+ HD, the format war with HD-DVD. Blu-Ray nected world. SD and HD channels using only your which also costs £49 but has a £5 per What does HD mean for the World TV aerial. If you’re in London you’ll month extra service fee attached to it. Cup? Watching the World Cup in HD have to have your TV aerial pointed The venerable Sky also offers HD is about as close as most of us are go- at Crystal Palace, which most already packages with the UK’s largest selec- ing to get to actually being there. The will be, so once you plug the box into tion of HD channels. Sky HD is avail- Can’t get enough tech news? colours are vibrant and rich, the crowd it and your TV, you’re set. A Freeview able in a dizzying plethora of options, roars as if you were there whilst the HD box will cost somewhere in the packages and charges starting with Then why not check out the players dance their skilful moves now region of £100 to £180, with Freeview the £28 Sky+HD starter. That includes UK’s weekly tech podcast shown in incredible clarity allowing HD PVRs starting at about £250. There 2Mb broadband as well, although you’ll you to see exactly what they’re doing. is one caveat however, if you live in a have to have a BT phone line to take brought to you by two And the goals; every curve of the ball; block of flats, the internal aerial feed advantage of it. That’ll give you the all Imperialites and a Bulgarian. every swerve in the air; the rebounds, may be filtered causing problems important BBC HD and ITV HD chan- the deflections, everything that’s excit- with the HD broadcasts. If you think nels among others. ing about football, is pin sharp and in you might have this problem, buy a And finally, if none of that’s possible, The Wrap Sheet Podcast exquisite detail. Freeview HD box from a retailer that your budget’s a bit tight perhaps, then OK, OK, it sounds awesome. How do offers refunds if it won’t work for you. your best bet is to find yourself a pub I get it? I have an HDTV, I already have Of course Freeview HD, although with the games in HD, or take beers Available on iTunes or at it right? Contrary to popular belief, the most recent service to introduce round to your mates place and camp in www.thewrapsheet.co.uk just because you might have an HDTV, HD broadcasting, isn’t the only way to front of his massive HDTV.

Weekly Wrap-up: A quick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed

SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor retrofitted into a regular USB cable. Light Peak will be capable of is only switching on the lights in the room Dr. Andre Ng became the first cardi- The demonstration unit pumped two the beginning, with trillions of bits per you’re in. Intel also showed a prototype ologist to use a robot to complete a re- simultaneous HD streams down one second theoretically possibly over op- Atom Z-packing phone running Quake mote heart operation, at the Glenfield Another week in tech has flown by cable without even a stutter. According tical fibre. If Intel and Apple get their 3 at 100fps, which is way too fast to ac- Hospital in Leicester this week. By us- whilst the majority of you have been to Intel, the initial 10Gbps bandwidth way, Light Peak could end up replac- tually play, but impressive nonetheless. ing a robot, cardiac surgeons can avoid fighting your way through exams. So ing almost every type of connection; Intel’s making some bold claims how- the cumulative effects of exposure to let’s have a quick recap to see what you displays, data, networking, everything. ever, and faces an uphill battle against X-rays, which are used to monitor the might have missed in a pretty much Intel also announced this week that the extremely efficient and moderately progress of the operation. ‘As long as Apple free week. we could have smartphones with ‘10 powerful ARM competitors. the connection’s reliable, the operation Intel’s been busy this week with two days of standby time’, thanks to its could be performed from anywhere in separate announcements the first of Atom Z-series of processors. Previous- the world’, Dr. Ng was quoted as saying. which we’ve talked about in felix be- ly known as Moorestown, Intel hopes Is this the future of surgery, since brain fore: Light Peak. If you remember, the Atom Z will enable it to get a prop- surgery and a kidney transplant have Light Peak is Intel and Apple’s shot at er foothold in the smartphone market already been performed using robots? USB3 using the power of light. Yes, as currently dominated by ARM based And finally, those 3D specs you got the name suggests, Light Peak pumps chips like Qualcomm’s Snapdragon. with your 3DTV could work fine with data down optical fibres, as well as the Ten days worth of standby time is ap- your mates incompatible 3DTV, just more traditional copper variety. This parently achievable by only switching by turning them upside down. Appar- week Intel showed off a laptop kit- on those parts of the chip that are re- ent incompatibility solved. Format war ted out with the optical technology, The power of light. Intel’s Light Peak quired at any one time; a bit like only Hold still a minute will you? averted. Absurdity inevitable.

Photograph of the week ‘Hatt’ by Farjana Kazi, 1st Year Mech. Eng.

This photo is taken in March 2010, amdist a bazaar, or a ‘hatt’ in rural Bangladesh. Groceries are bought like this all over the country.

Submit your photographs of the week to [email protected] 26 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010

CCoffeeoffee BBreakreak EditorEditor CCharlieharlie MMurdochurdoch mmmm COFFEE mm..... BREAK [email protected]

The Felix University/ College-Wide Invitational Fights and FUCWIT Tournament League is League Table new and improved, with an iPod nano for both the crashes Teams:Teams: team and the individual with the most points at Harry Potter Trio 251 Points the end of the year. CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor The Tough Brets 148 Points 5 points for the 1st cor- rect answers for all puz- The Cool Kids and Fergal 40 Points zles on these pages, 4 o, we’ve a fighter on our hands. Valentino Rossi stylie. This was to be points for 2nd, 3 points If any of you’ve ever had the the main downfall, as Rossi has a bike Individuals:Individuals: for 3rd, 2 points for S pleasure of meeting our ‘fewix designed to be ridden fast. Me, not so 4th and 1 point for 5th. editorr’ Dan Wan, you wouldn’t much. Coming up to my favourite turn Matthew Colvin 214 Points Now then FUCWITs, an- think of him as a fighter. Well, my I decide to nail it. First mistake. The Sheryl 195 Points swers to sudoku.felix@ friends, he is. He managed to get into foot peg dug into the road, lifted up the imperial.ac.uk. Go! a brawl last friday over this paper. Hats back wheel and spat me down the road. Kelvin Wong 111 Points off for sticking up for all this hard work Using all my sense, I decided to hang that someone was throwing about the onto the bike to stop it getting too place; plus, the guy was massive. Even damaged. However all I really succeed- comparing it to David and Goliath ed in doing was damaging myself more would be a favourable comparison for as I slid down the road, face down, still Wan. On the other hand, the Union holding the handlebars. At this point Tehnical term meaning: ‘re-mployment’ is when a previously ‘s already a Deputy President (Educa- I was pretty sure I looked spectacular. ‘word origin/ history’. used mployment is repeated and tion) short for next year, and if Dan Once the bike (with me still attached) Etymology is generally bad as it didn’t win keeps on trying to start fights that he’s came to a halt, I picked it up, forget- the party enough votes the first always going to lose we’re going to be a ting to pull the clutch in. Second mis- time and/or the other parties are felix Editor short too! take. The bike lurched forward, and Yesterday the country and I voted for are combating (do not mistake with aware of those strategies that were So the next time you come to the of- I, right in front of my newly founded our favourite party. They all want to unemployment, this is worse because a used in previous elections. For this fice to complain about a spelling error, stunt fan club, once again preceded to hold their party at the same venue at party is at stake, and cake is involved). reason the parties hire individuals keep a stiff eye on Dan as he’s more fall over with the bike on top of me. At the same time so they ask us to vote to de-remployment their campaign likely than not to, upon his own voli- this point I was just embarrassed. It’s for them based on how many balloons UNDEREMPLOYMENT (adj.) strategy. Other parties will in turn tion, belt you. Enough of him. one thing to practise a fast dismount, and the size of the cake they promise. The root of this word is ploy, attempt to reverse those efforts and My week has been a little different to because it can be useful in situations They are almost always lying and it will meaning a maneuver or trick made this is the ‘un-de-re-mployment’ normal, been in quite high spirits to be where you are being chased by a gang be another five years before we get the to gain advantage in a situation. problem that every party has to honest. However, last Monday morn- of hoodies, maybe. But falling over like option to attend a different party! Political parties often use multiple address. It’s a bit like tennis. ing I was coming in to College on my a toddler who’s just learning to walk is So now the stress of it is all over, here ploys in each election i.e. an motorbike for an early morning revi- more embarrassing that watching Dan is an explanation of an overused term m-ploy election strategy. A political If you have a word whose origin you’re sion session. Being a bank holiday, sun- Wan fight. [Ed - events described are from the election period, the so-called party using this strategy is said to interested in, send your request to us ny and about 8.30am I was gunning it, only half-true...] ‘underemployment’ all the parties be in a state of ‘mployment’. at [email protected].

Music Quote Led Zeppelin: “These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall... Upon us all a little rain must fall.” of the Week Arrow Maze 1,460 Wordpath 1,460

ORIGIN: Solution 1459 Solution 1459 1 1199 1 2 1199 4400 1010 3 3232 FELIX        PUNCH FELID (LS) 1144 1818 3366 3377 3939 2288 3838 FIELD (ANA)        DESTINATION: 3344 1155 MOUSE via 2266 1515 1166 4411 1111 4477 2727        FIELDMOUSE 4455 2525 5 4422 6 2244 4646 HOUSE (LS) 2266        FIGHT LIGHT via 9 8 3355 7 2121 2233 3131     LIGHTHOUSE How to play: 4444 4 1212 4444 3344 2222 1177 3333 EIGHT (LS)        PAPER via 1133 4848 2200 4433 3030 2299 4949 Make a path from the origin word to the destination      word by taking steps between words using one of the PAPERWEIGHT 2299 three following methods: Well done to last week’s winner Again, last week’s Matthew Colvin. Not too many Letter Substitution: Substitute just one letter. winner was Team 4400 answers to this puzzle, so let us know e.g. WORDS -> WARDS Dirty Medics. Please if you like it by sending answers in. Anagram: Rearrange the letters. can we stop those If it doesn’t get attention it dies. It’s a e.g. WORDS -> SWORD horrible scummy 3322 4499 puzzle eat puzzle world... in here. Wordslide: Replace the current word with a new 5 letter c-nuts beating us. word from any 6+ letter word that contains them both. Come on guys do it As always we can put a guest puzzle in, e.g. WORDS-> CROSS (via CROSSWORDS) for yourselves at least. How to play: so if you fancy your name in print drop Fill all the squares with numbers to form a path from 1 to 49, such that the arrow us an email at No consecutive steps may be made by the same method. under each number points to the square containing the number one greater [email protected]. e.g. WORDS -> WARDS (by LS) -> WARES (by LS) Scribble box (except for 49 obviously, which has no arrow, being the end of the path). [Include a puzzle with your email or would be invalid. we won’t bother with the ink.] Hints: 26 is pointed to by three arrows but only one of them is pointing only at 26, so Wordoku will be back soon and will Points are awarded for the earliest SHORTEST valid path this square must be 25. The square immediately right of 4 is only pointing to one reclaim this space if the Arrows make between the two words. Dubious words will be checked square so can temporarily be labelled ‘A’ and the square it’s pointing to can be you cry. Or, if you like both, let us against the OED. Send your solutions to sudoku.felix@ labelled ‘A+1’. Now we no longer consider ‘A+1’ as a destination for other arrows. know and you get to keep all of them. imperial.ac.uk. felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 27 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Nonolink 1,460 Bridges 1,460

3 3 1 2 1 1 1 2 3 2 How to play: 1 1 1 3 2 1 3 2 1 2 0 2 2 2 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 4 4 2 2 Connect all the 1 2 3 2 3 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 ‘islands’ together 3 1 2 1 2 3 1 1 3 4 1 1 1 2 1 1 2 4 4 2 3 by bridges 1 2 3 1 1 1 2 1 1 3 2 1 2 2 1 1 1 running in direct 1 2 3 3 3 3 lines, North, West, East and South only, with 8 1 no more than 3 3 1 3 two bridges connecting any 2 4 6 5 two distinct islands. Every 1 3 2 island must have 5 2 1 a total number 3 6 4 2 1 of bridges from 2 1 it equal to the 5 3 1 2 number on the island and 8 2 3 3 bridges must not cross islands, 3 1 one another or 1 1 1 lead to nowhere! 4 6 1 1 1 2 2 1 1 2 4 1 2 3 5 1 2 Solution 1459 2 2 Well done to team GLT another win for this puzzle last week. 2 2 This puzzle seems to be one you like with lots of 1 1 1 3 entries this week, but please keep them coming, 3 5 3 remember those iPods we promised. Well we may 331 4 2 start thinking about them soon. Possibly. 2 4 Anyways, the deal is you keep on sending shit in 4 5 3 Sheryl submitted the first complete shading bit, but Matthew Colvin did the first proper and we keep on making up more nice new puzzles 2 4 2 complete solution. So meah. Points all round. You won’t catch me being this nice again! for you. That’s a dealbreaker. 2 2 3 Well done on the massive number of entries for this puzzle last week- it has to be exam time. 4 5 7 4 1 2 2 Solution 1459 If you would like to design a puzzle and see it 2 How to play: printed in felix but don’t want to do one every 1 2 week, just send us your ideas to the usual place - 4 4 The numbers at the side represent the size and 2 2 3 [email protected] and if we like them 1 4 4 4 3 3 2 order of blocks in each column and row. There 2 122 2 we’ll print them! must be at least one space between each block. 2 3 1 1 23 Then insert the numbers from the box in the top 1 3 2 left corner into the unshaded cells and proceed as for a normal ‘Slitherlink’: 3 3 3 2 “Dan Wan fewix editor. like a bit of rough S&M” All numbered cells must be surrounded by the 121 Saw you fighting outside Orlandina corresponding number of edges. The solution the union last friday. It consists of one continuous line. Any cells without 2 221 3 3 made me wet to see your “Cud the tranny in the a number can have any number of edges. 2 2 2 3 chinese muscles ripple chemistry pc room buy in the moonlight and the a butt plug ti streatch See last issue’s solution (right) for more help. 3 3 3 beads of sweat drip from out ur bum hold for my Send your solutions to us at sudoku.felix@ 2 3 0 felix your forehead. Can you massive willy? Thanks imperial.ac.uk take me home and throw in advance.” LLoveovestruckstruck me about like that bloke Bum Bandit was doing with you paper? Don’t worry I’m not as “I hate his feature.” Riddle 1,460 07726 799 424 loose as the pages. I also Me too

Ok. So the real answer was three women, but incest needed to be allowed for that to happen. I overruled the Puzzles Commodore, and sent him to Best get his head looked at. So answers of five were accepted. Below is the answer from Martin Hague. of this Or, with incest.. ‘Look, I am an artist, I drew a pretty family tree! Horizontal lines are Parent sisters, vertical mother - daughters; so 1 is 5’s great-great-aunt, 2 is 5’s great- week’s G. Father G. Mother grandmother, 4 is 5’s grandmother, 5 is 3’s grandniece, 1 is 4’s aunt, 1 and 2 are sisters, so are 3 and 4, 3 is 2’s daughter, Mthr and so is 4, and that should be all boxes lol catz ticked - with five girls.’ Son Girl 28 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,460

1 2 2 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS 7 7 Candlewax on balls/Handcuffing/ 18 Evil bee-like insect (5) Whipping/Kick in the nackers 21 Mediterranean bread envelope (4) Solution 1459 8 10 etc... (13) 8 Meathead (8) C B S J F A 8 10 9 9 M-er F-er (4) V A R I C O S E V E I N S 10 Smelly orifice (7) Well done to last week’s winner Sh- P C U L N D 12 Drug addicts (5) eryl. Make sure you get those answers G O D A W F U L N E R D 12 R F Y E O 14 English county (5) in as soon as you pick the paper up. To O D D B A L L A L L I N 16 Leonardo, Donatello, be honest they needn’t even be correct, I E E D 10 11 12 Wolverine? (7) it’s unlikely that I’d notice. Well, back D O W R Y T R A I P S E 19/20 Canonical Brit dish (4,3,5) to revision. N O F U S 15 14 13 17 20 See 20 across B Y R D R E D B R I C K 22 Possessing both “chopper” and Crossword by Peter Logg S E E I A A “front-bottom” (13) Q U A N T U M T H E O R Y 14 15 16 17 S T D E L P DOWN 20 18 21 22 1 Walking aid - Get arseholed (4) Scribble box 19 20 21 2 Sponge (6) 3 One of Jeezas’s stories (7) 4 “Hiya!” (5) 24 24 25 5 Doubting apostle (6) 6 Bring on oneself (3,3,2) 22 11 Cleanly (8) 13 Homocides (7) 26 15 Dig up (6) 17 Greenflies (6)

Horo-mopes: Horoscopes but a hella broody too It’s exam season, no one’s reading. Who cares anyway? F*ck this. I’ve only had seven coffees today. Woe me!

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

You meet a horrible Because you’re an id- You rock up to the You’ve found yourself old lady who insists iot, you skipped your library for your asleep in the park. It’s that your views on Business for Engi- millionth night in a dark, wet and you have immigration are  neers lectures. To try  row to find the cafe  no idea what time it is.  wrong. She makes and score some extra has run out of Juiced There’s some old timers you look silly so marks on your exam Energy. You harrass the making noises behind you go home and cry to mummy. Whilst you seduce your lecturer. Sadly he is actually bitch of cashier but she refuses to help; you skin those trees. Maybe the world’s ended and they’re unbuttoning your trousers mummy tells you the ugliest, fattest man ever (may actually be a her alive, drain her of all fluids, make your own survivors of the apocolypse too. You groggily head that the bigoted old woman was wrong; you Vogon) and crushes your lungs whilst thrusting. energy drink and leave her corpse for the other over to see they need and help. Turns out you’re feel much better and put on your robe and He finishes up and leaves your corpse in Prince’s employees on Queen’s Lawn as a reminder to on Hampstead Heath and they’re having their ‘mid- wizard hat. Gardens for the pigeons to fight over. fucking stock up on Relentless for fuck’s sake! night snack’. Well, if in doubt.....

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

You celebrate your Somone’s whispering in Your cat has You hear that it’s much 5th birthday as your ear. You have no AIDS. It’s official. easier to remember facts your song ‘Baby’ idea who it is. It’s a fe- Tinkerbell just didn’t if you make a story out hits #1 on every male voice and it’s been know how to break of them, and use this  bloody chart.  going on all day. You’re it to you, so he left to aid your revision. It Unfortuntaely the trying to get on with a note on the kettle. works. Unfortunately, backwards Icelandic people think your corpse your day but the voice isn’t letting you. You turn Tinkerbell’s no where to be seen, but the note you’re a pervert, and murmuring your filth to will appease Eyjafjallajökull and the rest of the around wrap your shovel around whoever’s head is says that you should definitely get yourself yourself in the exam, you get a giant erection, world think you’re a fucking git. The cries you making those noises. Turns out its your mum and checked out. The scratches around your groin which raises your table slightly. Your lecturer gives let out as they remove your skin sound kind she’s asking you what you want for your birthday. are beginning to tell a different story to the you a knowing smile, calmly walks over to your of like the chorus to your hit single but better. You ungrateful son of a bitch. one you initially had in your head. Oh dear. table and gives the two-knock-two-minute signal.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn You discover the won- Election fever dies Libra, libra – oh, to be der that is Imperial down, and the exams free, and not chained Celebrating after the Fitfinder and stumble loom. All excitement to this library desk, exams, you act like a upon a description of in life has gone, and revising. The chain’s complete twat in the a girl that sounds just  even the elections the least of your Union, unleashing a like your mum. Un- aren’t exciting. problems, however – torrent of abuse on bearably aroused, you go to her alleged location You retreat to the library, and spend the next you wait till you see what the librarian’s going to the bar staff. You then order a Guinness, and feel on 5th. Some minger is waiting with chloroform; few weeks subsisting off the library café’s do with that stamp. You naughty girl – all those bad when you see they’ve drawn a shamrock in it, you awake to find she has cut off your right hand produce. Subsisting would imply nourishment overdue books… Oh, three overdue notices. bless. How do they do it? and injected you with cat aids. Serves you right for however. In fact you nearly die of a surfeit of What you gonna do about them with your You feel even worse when you see the barman wasting your time on that website, you sad twat. melted cheese. Or cheese fumes. It’s hard to tell. frumpy yet SEXY mullet. drying his knob off. Pint? felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 29

(We’ve(We’vvee ggoneoonne greengrgreeeen forffor GreenGreen Week,Week, HHangmanPuttingPuttinga thethen cat outogut totom drydry an notnonot tththataatt wewe weren’twew ren’t greengrg een before...)bbefore...) [email protected] Ahh..Revision...blah TTWATTERWATTER SexyOsama69 So how did the elections go guys? Was gona blah...shut the f*ck up watch results on da nets, but I realised I’m 2 eps A rant, a door, a panini and definitely no conclusion whatsoever behind on Glee! Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! t’s safe to say that people piss me ‘I hate revision’ or ‘Who you going to I’m voting Lib Dem and this is my Lib Elections? Who gives a shit about the elections? off. You’re probably pissing me vote for?’. I resorted to talking to my Dem panini. And I suppose you paid off right now. I don’t know what bedroom door, just for a change of for it with your 1% levy on my Dad’s Halo Reach beta is out! I’m gona get sum skunk I you’ve done, but you’re probably conversation. No, seriously, I actually house. You know what, fuck it I’m and jet-pack everywher with my sniper one of those people who just has talked to my bedroom door. He likes moving to North Korea. a really annoying face. Or you have an to read trashy horror novels and thinks On a lighter note, at least I no long- Barack_attack_l33thaxor annoying laugh. Or an annoying face Family Guy is very mehh. He wishes he er have to listen to celebrities singing twitch. Or you say ‘lmao’ like it’s a real had more time to see the kids. for Haiti. In fact, I’m pretty sure that FFS! Dey’ve made it so u can’t watch me teabag- word. Or you like that fucking nauseat- The Election is like the Ashes – sud- no-one talks about Haiti anymore. It’s ging ur dead corpse. I spose dat’s a good thing ing ‘Gap Yahh’ video and intermittent- denly everybody knows everything like it’s suddenly become a really un- for you Gor :p ly quote it hoping to get a cheap laugh. about cricket and won’t stop talking fashionable charity. I heard that Haiti What’s this? A sketch that exaggerates about it. You can’t go anywhere with- are releasing their own charity single SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 an archetypal member of British soci- out people judging your every move. I for the poor souls that were exposed to ety, complete with an identifiable ver- notice you have tomato in your panini, the vile slaughter of REM’s ‘Everybody stfu Osie :p just coz I teabagged ur Shelly at Co- nacular and memorable catchphrase? so I guess you’re voting Labour. You Hurts’. penhagen. Her face looks gud with my balls on No-one has ever done this before! Bet- don’t have to shove your political sand- They would have made a lot more em lol! And Cammy - splits on the skunk? ter make it my facebook status. Yeah wich in everybody’s face you know! money if they just gave us the ultima- but, No but, yeah but this is never go- ALRIGHT! I’ll take the tomato out! tum of money or charity single. OK! Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! ing to get stale! Oh I see, so now you don’t believe in Please take my money, take my house, Sorry, this is beginning to sound like democracy. Are you a hippie? Are you for God’s sakes just don’t make a ten- Nah I’ll giv u sum on the house coz u let me use a rant. I’ve been slowly turning insane anti-capitalism? Don’t you care about minute-long cringe-worthy video of ur face on my billboards lol. Me and Cleggman from the surrounding horde of drool- the future of our economy? Alright Cheryl Cole, Susan Boyle and Rod r goin to Bestival this year. Ne1 else up 4 it? ing zombies who occasionaly gurgle, fine, I’ll add some mustard! See, now Stewart crying over news footage.

Every point you earn will be sent to Haiti. Not Procrastination Olympics translated to cash form or anything...just points

ULTIMATE FACEBOOK STALKING DAWN OF THE ASIANS Yeah, we all like to stalk random people we don’t know, but what about the person sitting next to us in the library or computer room? Here’s That’s right, you’re trapped in a mall full of brain- the game: Do whatever you can to find out the name of the person sit- dead zombies, only this time, the mall is the Library ting next to you. (You can’t sit next to your friends) Now open their and the zombies are Asians. If you touch or make eye facebook page and just stare at it, or perhaps laugh at their status. Tilt contact with an Asian, you become infected and lose. the screen slightly to esnure you ensure that your stalkee has clear view. You’ll need a medikit, food supply and a shotgun. You get 1 point if they move away and double points if they file a re- Don’t forget to use your melee attack. I’ve lost too straining order. many friends to Asians because they forgot their me- lee attack. You can respawn at the cafe coke machine.

SAVING PRIVATE RYMAN

This is a great game for you and your ULTIMATE REVISION friends. The idea is to re-enact the Ohama Beach landing with your sta- Wait a second! This doesn’t sound like a game that comes un- tionary. Choose your teams (Gener- der procrastination! That is unless you’re revising for a subject ally your worst friends are nominated that you’re not even taking! This game is so insanely badass as the Germans) and then find your it practically seems stupid. Ultimate Revision has been cited Tom Hanks HB pencil. Using pencil as the next base jumping and the new rush for thrill-seekers. cases as the landing boats and comput- ers as German casemates (those turret things) try to get your Tom Hanks HB to your French Nemesis, who will be launching every item of stationary they have at you. For extra realism, bring HAPPY ‘WTF?’ SLAPPING! tomato ketchup for blood and perhaps torch one of the computers if you have Get your mobile phone camera out, run up to someone and time. You’ll need to use a mirror on a then slap yourself in the face. stick like Tom Hank does. Just do eve- rything Tom Hank does. Don’t let your Tom Hanks HB die. Send videos to [email protected] 30 felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editor – Ziggi Szafranski

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To Do.... 1) Say hello to everyone...Hello!

2) Send in your events!! This page only Weds 12th May works if you actually send me things! Email your events to: DramSoc Summer Workshop [email protected] – 2 - 4pm in Activity Space 2 (Club name & event, time, place, price, – Free to everyone this term pics...) by end of Tues 11th May – This is the latest in DramSoc’s excit- ing series of Sumer Workshops. Come 3) Did I mention to send in your along and have a break from revision events?! with two hours of fun followed by biscuits!

US ABOUT IT! We know it’s exam season, but SOMEONE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING! YOUR EVENT HERE! Do you want more people at your event? Well TELL Want more people at your event? ADVERTISESat 15th May IT HERE! ICSM Music Society invite you to “A Night at the Movies” – Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start – St. Stephen’s Church, Gloucester Road Anything else? – Students free, all others £6 .... – ICSM Music Society presents a selection of music from films old and new including Carmina Umm yes...send in your events? Pretty Burana, music from Chicago, Lord of the Rings please? plus much more.

Thanks, but without events we might have to find some pretty pictures of tumbleweed...or maybe paint drying... felix FRIDAY 07 MAY 2010 31 [email protected] SPORT Sailing brave the cold February waves to compete at BUSA championship

Chris O’Donnell Sailing tactics- chatting up the opposition and serenading ducks. This insane behaviour must have dis- On a cold February morning, the Impe- tracted Brunel because it gave Imperial rial College Sailing Club ventured into the lead right from the start. Imperial the depths of Oxford for the southern wanted to keep this lead secure by tak- qualifiers to the British University Sail- ing out the Brunel boats and leaving ing Association (BUSA) team racing them no chance to fight back. Instead, championships. The weather offered a Chris and Martin (who were again in light fog and little wind- giving a bleak first) sailed off, leaving Gavin MacAul- view of the Oxford countryside and a ay and Henley Leong alone to fight 2 bleak view of the weekend ahead. It’s Brunel boats by themselves. a shame this rather romantic image of This cowardly streak from Chris the countryside was shattered by one and Martin vanished by the last mark of the Imperial team, who managed to where they acquired right of way and soak his kit in milk on the train journey tried to T-bone a Brunel boat, forcing and the stench was beginning to engulf them to get out the way. This gave Im- the whole of Oxford. perial a solid victory. Imperial’s first races did not go to Finally Imperial beat Oxford 3s, se- plan, with no wind and poor starts giv- curing their place for the next day’s ing easy victories to Portsmouth 2 and sailing, while 5 teams were knocked Southampton 2. The smell, the two out. This left Imperial with a night full defeats and the lack of wind put the of pubs, jump starting cars and gener- Imperial team in a foul mood ahead ally getting lost (yes, that is possible, of their race against previous BUSA even in Oxford!) before the next day of champions University of London 1st sailing. (ULU 1). Fate, however, had other plans for During this race the wind picked Imperial. In order to get full rank- up and while Imperial did not win the ings, the organisers decided that there race, they put up a good fight and at- would not be enough wind to complete tacked at every opportunity. Fiona They don’t look very happy, but neither would you if you were stuck on a freezing cold lake with the stale stench of milk enough races, so two teams had to be Wall and Claire Trant got in a particu- eliminated. This meant Imperial, who larly vicious fight, engaging the ULU race against their regular training part- two ULU 3 sailors. Despite having a ting Imperial team mates through. De- only won the races necessary in order 1 team captain in a gripping start line ners ULU 3. boat in first place, Imperial were losing spite ULU 3’s best efforts, the trap was to qualify for the second day, along battle. With a steady breeze now blow- Both teams got off to an equal start the race...but only just. Chris and Mar- executed smoothly, allowing Imperial with Reading, were eliminated without ing away the fog to reveal the gentle and Imperial sailors Chris O’Donnell tin stopped at the second mark, wait- to win the race. the chance to fight for a better place. Oxford countryside, Imperial were and Martin Hauge were first to the ing to pounce on the two ULU 3 sailors Fiona and Claire started the next Imperial finished the weekend by now warmed up and ready for their windward mark, followed loosely by behind them, attacking them and let- race against Brunel with some unusual coming joint 11th out of 17 teams.

Other stories from the sporting week whilst nothing’s happening at Imperial David Wilson Sports Editor

here has been very little number one. Even more impressive is elite club bowing out with world ti- in the way of sporting ac- that McIlroy, at twenty years of age, tles and an unblemished record intact. tivity at Imperial College became the youngest winner of a PGA Calzaghe seems to have succumbed to T during the first few weeks tour event since 1996 when a a certain the greatest vice of all retired boxers; of the summer term pre- Tiger Woods burst onto the scene. boredom. Many of the greats couldn’t sumably due to the exam slog associ- Woods, the global sports phenomenon resist one final crack all glory, Mar- ated with the summer term. As a result turned professional at 21. McIlroy? Oh ciano, Foreman, Balboa and Holyfield felixSport have resorted to including he’s been around since he was 18. at present. But as Calzaghe’s father and adverts for osteopathy treatment and Mark Cavendish was withdrawn trainer Enzo nicely put it “If Joe comes trawling for snippets of global sports from the Tour de Romandie by his back now, he’s playing with danger be- news to fill up our pages. So, if there team after winning the second stage cause he has nothing to gain and every- are any of you taking part in summer for sticking his fingers up at his critics. thing to lose”. sports activities with the college, send Literally. Cavendish apologized for his England cricket coach Andy Flower in your reports so that you can immor- actions which he claims were aimed at labeled his team as ‘dangerous’ before talized in the pages of felix. his critics, some of whom had claimed their Twenty20 super eights show- Joe Cole, Frank Lampard and John he had gone off the boil. As well as down with Pakistan yesterday. It has Terry were among a host of top names being withdrawn from the competi- been recently shown that the greatest who turned out at Upton Park for the tion, Cavendish was also fined £3,640. danger associated with English cricket academy director, Tony Carr’s, testi- Hopefully the Manxman will return is the expecations and hope which the monial. Although the Chelsea players to dominate the sprint sections of this fans place upon the team. were unable to play in the match due years prestigious Tour de France, sans Manchester United’s striker Michael to the Premier League run in, all three two fingered salute. Owen has not had a season to remem- sheepishly donned West Ham United Reports this week are claiming that ber; his appearances on the pitch were kits which was a sight in itself. The Joe Calzaghe could be tempted out of limited and he then suffered a ham- West Ham fans managed to refrain retirement for a ‘superfight’ rematch string injury in the Carling Cup final from the ‘Fat’ Frank jibes and were with Bernard Hopkins. No, Floyd which demolished any small change almost clambering over each other to Mayweather against Manny Pacquiao of him going to South Africa. Owen’s get autographs off the Chelsea players. would be true superfight, any matchup poor luck continued as Nemo Spirit, Fickle game, football. between Calzaghe and Hopkins would the horse he part owns disappointed Meanwhile, over in America, Rory surely be an exhibition fight from a at the Chester Cup . Teammates Nani McIlroy won his first PGA tour title previous era. Anyone who witnessed and John O’Shea fared better as both at the Quail Hollow Open over the the first fight between these two surely racked up betting wins. weekend. The Irishman scored a fi- would not want to endure another. The most pleasing news for Global nal round of 62, that would be an im- There is no doubting that they were male population is that Anna Kournik- pressive 10-under-par and he finished both great fighters; Hopkins dominat- ova is returning to Wimbledon to play four shots ahead of Phil Mickelson ed the middleweight division for years in a veterans tournament this summer, who is soon expected to overtake Ti- but now aged 45 he’s far and away over at the grand old age of 28. Veteran ger Woods in the rankings as World the hill. Calzaghe became joined an indeed. 07.05.10

Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felixSport High resolution photos only 1st XI continue fine form with another victory Imperial 1st XI defeat their Sussex counterparts while the 2nd XI are left looking for a win after defeat against Sussex 2nd XI

Ankit Patel Cricket gust, the umpire’s only option was to use the old innings ball. Not concen- trating, he skied the next ball high over mid-off, who completed an impressive IImperiiall Collllege Men’s 1stt XI 200 ffor 5 catch over his shoulder. Matt attacked after 37.55 overs in similar style to reach a quickfire 45, University of Sussex 1st XI 199 for 9 taking 20 runs off one over which in- after 50 overs cluded a huge six over midwicket. The rest of the chase was fairly uneventful Imperial won by 5 wickets with the IC batsman all contributing but then getting out. Yasir Bin Riaz (26), Ankit Patel (24) and Mehta (34) Pete Swallow Cricket all chipped in, until keeper and pre- mier finisher Adam Hugill (50 not out) calmly finished the chase in 37.5 overs.

IImperiall Collllegge Men’s 2ndd XI 881 all out **** University of Sussex 2nd XI 168 all out After the 1 and a half hour minibus ride to Brighton and arriving in time for Imperial lost by 86 runs a novel pre-match warm up, Captain Pete Swallow won the toss and decided to bowl. President Andy Payne was given the first over and had obviously C Cricket 1st XI travelled to been watching the 2006/7 Ashes as Harlington on Wednesday for preparation, immitating Steve Harmi- their BUCS fixture against Uni- son and opening with a wide ball, be- I versity of Sussex 1st XI. With IC fore rectifying his shocking start with losing the toss once again, Uni- six dot balls in a row. Shouldering re- versity of Sussex elected to bat first. sponsibility, Swallow (2-15) took the The Sussex openers made a steady second over and things started to im- start by accumulating 61 runs in 12 prove as he soon bowled both openers overs before Ankit Patel got one to with firstly a cunning slower ball and seam back in to get the Sussex captain then a faster yorker. Things got even LBW. Navin Surtani made a break- better as Payne got in on the act with a through with a slower ball which was vicious lifter to hit the gloves and have caught at mid off, sending the second the batsman caught behind. To keep opener back to the pavilion. Soon after the pressure high, Ian Woolf and Rajiv IC brought on the first of three spin- Bhar were brought on and the wickets ners they employed during their time continued to fall with Bhar eventually in the field. Hasit Mehta bowled with taking 4-29. supreme accuracy; hitting the right Woolfy somehow managed to not areas to make it incredibly difficult take a single wicket despite having the to score. Coupled with tight fielding, slip cordon salivating for his entire 10 pressure began to build on the Sussex over spell. Sussex managed to steady middle order, which turned out to be the ship near the end and progressed their downfall. Hasit picked up 4 wick- to a large total. Fortunately, Payne (3- ets for just 20runs in his 10 overs. 39) and fresher Jonny Cooper man- Tight bowling at the other end from aged to take the remaining 3 wickets to Rehan Ali and Pawan Patel didn’t let leave Imperial needing 169 to win. Sussex get away. Rahul Pai continued With a second pair of openers in as were Hasit left off, keeping the Pavilion many matches, Imperial got off to a end tight, while at the M4 end Anirudh slow start that turned sour with the Sompalli kept getting the odd wicket loss of the opening pair for single fig- as the end of the innings approached. ures. In came Payne and Rohan Babla, was the highlight, closely followed by space of two balls. Babla took a rash ibus by stalling twice in two minutes, University of Sussex ended on 199-9 who managed to get the innings going an impressive argument with the Sus- swipe and skied the ball before Payne, which cheered up everyone no-end. from their 50 overs. with a 50 partnership. sex team about fielding restrictions. still angry at how Babla had given his The team performance was excellent In reply IC’s new and incredibly at- The stand was dominated by Payne, Unfortunately, the journey to the sea- wicket away, lofted an easy catch to given the available players and there tacking opener, Sompalli, dispatched with an innings of 41 which was typi- side had wiped all notion of the pur- mid-off; this triggered the mother of was an impressive improvement in the second ball for four over extra cov- cally brutal to both sides, as when he pose of a cricket bat from the other all collapses where Imperial fell from fielding from the match on the previ- er. In fact, he smacked it so hard that wasn’t smashing the ball to all parts of Imperial players and their serene pro- 75-2 to 81 all out. ous Sunday. If improvements are made despite 15 players looking for the it in the leg side boundary he was watching gress was spectacularly halted when A dejected Imperial team made their in the batting order and with more the sidelines, the brand new Readers the ball whistle past his off stump. A Babla (with the second-highest score way back to London, where Andy players hitting the ball, IC 2nd XI will ball was not found. To Sompalli’s dis- massive DFL maximum over long-on of 10) and Payne both got out in the showed his prowess at driving the min- be a force to be reckoned with.