J!*?.?«. F®,MSIM: H ° E AMISH MAGAZINE

J!*?.?«. f®,MSIM: H°E AMISH MAGAZINE

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THIS WEEK, THE*PANTVHOSE ISSUE:

BOBBY* "I LIKE ORESSING UP LIKE A WOMAN AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUV, BUT IT'S GOT NOTHING TO 00 WITH THE MUSIC." CHRISSIE: "SHAVE tfflUR LEGS, FOR CHRISSAKES!"

GET 'EM NOW: 0

SIRE CASSETTES

AND CDS.

uritiOCtor | ll taespomb your clinic —Ban sane alternatives^*"*•- m^^m^rmm i -~ • reaten_you as you exercise your legal rigJi THiTTdisreqarai voud the separationor paref church and nstate ,.s » wpourr mone* yJ ?*intO fanti-Choic e Tobb rrw^^^^o peek into your bedroo -T«» or up your s Kirt

A new release featuring artists who proudly salute The 21st Anniversary of ROE v. WADE and determinedly join in the ongoing struggle to preserve a woman's fundamental right to autonomy over her own body.

BELLY, BiGod 20, DAVID BYRNE, DANIELLE DAX, DOUBLEPLUSGOOD, THE FARM, THE GREENBERRY WOODS, JOHN WESLEY HARDING, KRISTIN HERSH, THE JUDYBATS, MADONNA, POSTER CHILDREN, RIDE, SCORPIO RISING, TRIPMASTER MONKEY, WATERLILLIES.

For more information contact: IMARAL (National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League), 1156 15th Street, Suite 700, Washington, DC 20005 ft You can also say, "I'm Pro-Choice and 1 vote.Copyright" ©1994 Sire Records ©. "Yo 2007u know, the RighNationalt to Life people Lampoonbelieve that life officiall Inc.y begins when you agree with them." — Dennis Miller Z.A.MAOIGAAJ

PEANUT HEAVEN «*

WAKE UP AMERICA INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING

• I A HOE A FETISH AMISH MAGAZINE

"""•/•• % %-

/ J^BS PEOPLE HAVE ATTACK OF THBM>2W " WOMEN / ^ J U vL% E BROW T O.J. TIME INVESTIGATION a CONTEST TOUGH SCAPE A NICK SKORPIO ADVENTURE 4-, *>

TRUE FACTS / SIGNED PHOTOS

ROOMMATES

STEP DA-DA

EDITORIAL STAR CHAMBER: DAVE C. GARRETT, JASON CONTRIBUTING EDITORS AND ARTISTS: JULIE BROWN, PAUL WARD, RAYMOND JOESPH IRELAND, HARMON LEON MAURO, CHARLIE COFFREY, TONY GLEESON, AL BERMAN, MANAGING EDITOR: JANE WOLLMAN RUSOFF FRANK COTHAM, FRED H. THOMAS, PATRICK HARDIN, STEVE EXECUTIVE EDITOR: JOHN HAYES ALEXANDER, BEN WILSON, TODD SCHWARTZ, BARRY LANK, CREATIVE DIRECTOR: CHET COOPER PATRICK ABEDIN, SPARKY CHERVITZ, JEFF PILL, WILLIE ART DIRECTOR/DESIGN: TERRY WHITLEY, RENE GAUTHIER HARPER, FRANK NUNZIATA, LANCE ANDERSON, CHRIS SR. EDITORS: JOE LIMBER, ERIC MADIGAN, DINO LONDIS BONNO, MITCH ADLER, MATT JACOBSEN, LANCE NORRIS ASSOCIATE EDITORS: MIKE BERTRAND, DAN BUDNICK CARTOON EDITOR: DAVID SHELTON EDITORIAL BOARD: JIM JIMIRRO, DAVE GARRETT, MODELS: CHARLOTTE HASSETT, ERIC EDWARDS, DAVE C. JASON WARD, KIM DROGE AND CHET COOPER GARRETT, HARMON LEON SPEC. PROJ. EDITORS: JOHN BERGSTROM, FRANK NUNZIATA PHOTOGRAPHY: SCOTT WOLFINGTON (INCLUDING COVER) INN KEEPER: CHARLOTTE HASSETT COVER: JULIE BROWN & JULIE BROWN (FROM LEFT TO RIGHT)

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PUBLISHED BIMONTHLY 1682 LANGLEY. IRVINE. CA 92714 NATIONAL LAMPOON (ISSN 0027-9587): PRINTED IN THE U.S.A. "NATIONAL LAMPOON" IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF J2 COMMUNICATIONS. THE LAMPOON NAME IS USED WITH PERMISSION OF THE HARVARD LAMPOON, INC. COPYRIGHT 01994, J2 COMMUNICATIONS, 10850 WLLSHIRE BLVD.. #1000. LOS ANGELES. CA 90024. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOTHING MAY BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE OR IN PART WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER. EXCLUSIVE OF THE NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE SECTION. ALL INCIDENTS. SITUATIONS AND PRODUCTS DEPICTED OR DESCRIBED IN THE EDITORIAL PAGES OF NATIONAL LAMPOON ARE FICTIONAL. AND ANY SIMILARITY. WITHOUT SATIRIC INTENT. OF CHARACTERS PRESENTED THEREIN TO LIVING PERSONS IS COINCIDENTAL. THE EDITORS OF NATIONAL LAMPOON ACCEPT READER SUBMISSIONS OF PHOTOS. CLIPPINGS AND OTHER ITEMS FOR INCLUSION IN NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE SECTIONS. UPON RECEIPT, THESE ITEMS BECOME EXCLUSIVELY THE PROPERTY OF NATIONAL LAMPOON. NATIONAL LAMPOON ASSUMES NO LIABILITY FOR RETURN OF ANY SUBMITTED MATERIALS. MATERIALS WILL NOT BE RETURNED: DO NOT SEND ORIGINALS.

Sirs: Sirs: Tom Hanks will probably get We've realized that what we've an Oscar for remaking a classic done is wrong. Please put us out of movie that I never get my due our misery. credit for. Corey Feldman & Corey Haim Steve Martin Handcuffed together at the top Still "The Jerk" of the Empire State Building

Sirs: Sirs: Now that it's been 25 years, I I've always felt that it is inhu uess I can admit that it was me mane to force people to suffer who was passing out the brown through life when they are experi acid. We can laugh about it now, encing physical pain and torment, Sirs: right? but watching that latest Penny Jackie 0. is dead? Oh dear, was Marshall film! I mean, man that Ted driving? Forrest Gump really sucked!

Rose Kennedy Jack Kervorkian Waking from her nap Sirs: Trying to get out more God, has it really been twenty- five years!? Gee, I guess it has! Sirs: Wow, talk about bringing back nos Sirs: Uh, is this thing on?..(Tap, Tap, talgia. Sorry, but you were too old and Tap)..Listen, don't drink the brown un-hip to perform at the last one. Snapple... it won't kill you or noth Charles Manson What the hell makes you think ing, it just doesn't taste particularly Getting ready for parole we're going to let you on stage now? good. Woodstock '94 Executives Woodstock '94 Sirs: Dealing with Tony Bennett Be there, live on MTV!! Well, I hate to be an "I told you so," but remember all the stuff I said about inter-racial marriages? Sirs: Sirs: O.K., so my last few movies Good thing it wasn't my blood Rush Limbaugh have sucked. Well don't fret, I still on that glove. I sure wouldn't want have a bunch of things to make you to be in O.J.'s shoes feel guilty about.

Magic Johnson Sirs: Oliver Stone No longer "America's Most Twenty-five years ago this Dangerous Black Athelete" month we sent a famous white man to the moon on live televison. Why Sirs: not celebrate the anniversary by Now that I think about it, I'm Sirs: sending a famous black man to the not so sure I want to be in the new To tell you the truth, I never gas chamber on live television? "Batman" movie either. Count me trusted that ape to begin with. out. NBC Howard Cose 11 Always looking ahead Batman

NATIONAL LAMPOON 5 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Sirs: Sirs: Sirs: For our next album, we're Okay. Here's what we do: She's ethnic. She's got a grat putting out a set of covers of our Some guy is stalking this woman. ing voice, and she's annoying as favorite '40s and '50s big band tunes. He catches her and kills her. He hell. Well, people love that ethnic looks at the camera and pops a stuff. (I love pasta and Mexican Axl Rose Mentos. Freeze Frame. food). Getting lazy after "The Spaghetti Incident" The People at Mentos Producer about to hire Clueless as Ever Rosie Perez

Sirs: And then, for our next next Sirs: Sirs: album, we're putting out a set of Hey, first I found out that the For my next film, I'll spoof covers of our own songs. letters in Penthouse aren't real. horror films... No, I did that. Now, I am starting to suspect that Westerns...no! Star Wars...no! Axl Rose these letters aren't real. Hitchc.no! Homeless people...no! Getting really, really lazy Homeless people? Robin Hood... Willie Harper Shit, somebody help me.

Sirs: Mel Brooks I was just wondering if James Sirs: Cameron might do me a small Despite all the precautions we favor and direct my next film. It took to insure that nothing was Sirs: shouldn't take more than a few destroyed or lost in the explosions, My next book is going to be months. I already have a script there were still some casualties. about a German Shepherd who ready to go and everything. All we did end up losing was an sees something he shouldn't have. interesting plot. But, we got by. Then, the Mob chases him around John McTiernan for the rest of the book. And then Director of "Last Action Hero" Director he figures out a way to get out of it "Blown Away" "his way". That'll be $2 million please. Sirs: In all honesty, I have no idea Sirs: John Grisham what a "Tallyman" is, nor why he I have a great idea for my next Taking the easy way out would want to "tally me bananas." movie. A sperm gets lost in some It's a mystery. fallopian tubes and is chased around by three wacky mean Sirs: Harry Belafonte sperms out to catch him. The Let's make a movie about a guy movie is a series of slapstick wacki- who makes movies about one-joke ness as the bad guys get beat up by sketches from his television come Sirs: our unsuspecting hero. The kids dy show. Hey, guys. I luv your mag. I love it. think it's hip, phat, funky, fresh, fly, Lome Michaels cool, chill, dope, rad. Ouch, I think John Hughes I just pulled something. Taking "Baby's Day Out" one step beyond Sirs: Young Reader OD'ing on I've got a new album of blues street slang covers coming out in the fall. Now Sirs: if I can just find another kid to Throughout my life, I saved my push off my balcony so I can sell a Sirs: shaven body hair in jam jars. If million more sympathy records, er, Okay, you'll take $600 for this you are in anyways interested, I mean, I'll have to launch a public film and like it. please contact me. ity tour and do another MTV Unplugged! Very soon. Porn producer Richie Dingman To grown-up Macaulay Culkin San Francisco, CA Eric Clapton

6 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Sirs: Sirs: Sirs: I've tried all those fad diets. After listening to Mr. Bob She wanted it all the time. I They just don't work. Now I'm Shapiro's lengthy speech about the didn't force myself on her. She was going with the big guns. The flesh- defendant's personal rights and the like, "Show me your little yodeling mountain climber," so I did. She eating virus. I mean, I could lose presumption of innocence, I am weight fast. Nobody will make fun kept saying, "Higher! Higher!" and beginning to feel much better. of me anymore. I'll get roles that the "Hole-in-One" game, it was her were previously reserved for thin favorite. women. I'll start my own diet plan. Nicole Brown Simpson Yeah, that's it. The Flesh-Eating Bob Barker Virus Diet. I'll make millions. Coming on Down Sirs: Rosie O'Donnell The one lesson that I think we At Shakey's Pizza for one last all learned in this case: If some Sirs: fling with the all-you-can-eat body leaves personal belongings at I have devised a polling ques bar your place of business and wants tion to reduce the population: All those who refer to Jethro Tull as you to go out of your way to bring "he," as in "He puts on a great it to them, you tell them to go to Sirs: show," will be shot. Uriah Heep hell. Or at least send somebody You're certainly right. I've can also be used. learned that it's just a game and I who's expendable. shouldn't take it so seriously. I An angry Camaro-driving mean, life is too short to worry over Ronald Lyle Goldman classic-rock fan mistakes. Yes, waiter. I'll have Especial Number 2. Hey, what are those guys doing with guns and Sirs: Sirs: why are they running over here You want to know how Rosie All these athletes cry over astroturf ruining their knees. But screaming, Autogoal! Autogoal!? O'Donnell will go from playing fat it's doing murder to my fingernails roles to thin roles in my upcoming Andres Escobar new Star Wars epics. I'll tell you: Having his last meal Jimmy Hoffa Digital Technology. East Rutherford, N.J. Slowly making his way to Sirs: George Lucas the surface

Mars in ten years? Hell, no! I'm talking pluto in five. Gotta go big, see how that works? Dawg cain't piss on a hydrant if he don't aim high, now can he?

Ross Perot Hot on the '96 campaign trail

Sirs: Instead of focusing on O.J. Simpson, we should be focusing on the real victims here: the people who had to miss a week's worth of soap operas while the hearings were on.

Marcia Clark £ BRop&Hf You A Pef- iAj picf IT'5 pRce^BlY CRfiMUhiC During one of her useless, Up You|< LEfc R/6HT KO\}J." rambling closing arguments

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. MARCH 1981 I Women and Dogs OCTOBER 1985 ' Music Issue MAGAZINES APRIL 1981 ' Chaos NOVEMBER 1985 Mad As Hell $5.00 EACH MAY 1981 / Naked Ambition DECEMBER 1985 Reagan and Revenge [J AUGUST 1972 - Democracy JUNE 1981 Romance JANUARY 1986 / Good Clean Sex i : SEPTEMBER 1972 Boredom JULY 1981 Endless. Mindless Summer Sex FEBRUARY 1986 Money ! : NOVEMBER 1972 I Decadence AUGUST 1981 1 et'sCet It Up. America! MARCH 1986 ' All About Women APRIL 1986 Doctors and I awyers : DECEMBER 1972 taster Issue SEPTEMBER 1981 Back to School i MAY 1986 / Sports ! ! MAY 1973 fraud OCTOBER 1981 Movies JUNE 1986 Horror and Fantasy : : JUNE 1973 Violence NOVEMBER 1981 TV and Why It Sucks JULY 1986 I lot Summer Sex ! : JULY 1973 Modern Times DECEMBER 1981 ' What's Hip? AUGUST 1986 Show B./ [ SEPTEMBER 1973 Life Parody JANUARY 1982 ' Sword »• d Sorcery SEPTEMBER 1986 Slea/e : . 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MARCH 1984 / The Sixties' Cireatest Hits G OCTOBER 1990 / Special Underachievcr Issue ' OCTOBER 1977 / All Beatles APRIL 1984 / You Can Parody Anything G DECEMBER 1990 / The Best of 1970-1990 : NOVEMBER 1977 / Lifestyles MAY 1984 ' Baseball Preview G FEBRUARY 1991 / The Humor Issue DECEMBER 1977 / ( hnstm.is ,n December JUNE 1984 ' This Summer's Movies • MARCH 1991 / Gaucho! JANUARY 1978 / The Role of Sex in History JULY 1984 / Special Summer Fun C APRIL 1991 / The New World Order FEBRUARY 1978 ' Spring Fascism in Preview AUGUST 1984 / Unofficial Olympics Cuide G MAY 1991 / Spend More Monev! MARCH 1978 / Crime and Punishment ; SEPTEMBER 1984 / Fall Fashions G JUNE 1991 /BigScreen APRIL 1978 / Spring Cleaning . OCTOBER 1984 / Just Good Stuff G AUGUST 1991 / Going Places! G SEPTEMBER 1991 / Coming of Age ' MAY 1978 / Families NOVEMBER 1984 / The Accidental Issue Q OCTOBER 1991 / Politically Incorrect College Issue JUNE 1978 / The Wild West 1 DECEMBER 1984 I The Last of the old Nl • DECEMBER 1991/Class War! JULY 1978 / 100th Anniversary i JANUARY 1985 / Good Clean Sex • National Lampoon Binders Vinyl binders with : AUGUST 1978 / Today's Teens 1 FEBRUARY 1985 / A Misguided Tour of N.Y. tough metal "rods." S9.00 each. Quantity I SEPTEMBER 1978 / Style : MARCH 1985 / The Best of Fifteen Years : OCTOBER 1978 I Entertainment : MAY 1985 / Celebrity Roast National Lampoon Binder With all issues ] JUNE 1985 / The Doug Kenney Collection from a given year. Well, not exactly given. $27.00 each $5.00 EACH J JULY 1985 / Youth at Plav _I976 _ 1980 _ 1984 _ 1988 _ Vinyl binder AUGUST 1985 / All-New True Facts _ 1977 1981 _ 198.S _ 1989 : APRIL 1979 / April Fool SEPTEMBER 1985 i Lust Issue _ 1978 _ 1982 _ 1986 _ 1990 I MAY 1979 / International Terrorism If issues in any given year are not listed above, _|979 _|98? _ 1987 AUGUST 1979 / Summer Vacation please select replacements for missing issues. n OCTOBER 1979 / Comedy It is imperative that I acquire the items checked above in order to keep my home humor collection complete. I am enclosing n DECEMBER 1979 / Success S2.00 in postage and handling (or my order if it's under $10.00, and $3.00 lor said charges il the order totals more than [ 1 FEBRUARY 1980 / Tenth Anniversary SI0.00, small price to pay for U.S. postal delivery. If I'm a New York State resident I'm adding 81/4 percent sales tax, which n MARCH 1980 / March Miscellany is another matter entirely. 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CARBO-MIX -Enhances endurance and caloric intake. A powerful weight gainer. Gain 10-15 pounds in just 4-5 weeks with this product. 3 lbs. Wholesale Welcome ORDERS CALL I 800 530-FLEX MUSCLE Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. THE HOLLY Word is that Robert Deniro's Manhattan based Tribeca Studios is going bust-literally. Originally conceived as a haven for young film-makers, Bobby D. Whoopie has decided to turn the studio into an upscale Goldberg whorehouse. "People don't care what young film prepares for an makers have to say anymore," says Deniro. "They want examination on the to get laid." Bingo, Bobby.... Who was that tyke tagging set of Buckwheat: along with Mel Gibson at Liz Taylor's AIDS benefit last Proctologist month? "Oh, he's not mine," explains Mel. "I swiped him at the mall while his mother had her back turned." But parents and fans of Gibson don't have to worry, Mel says he usually returns the kids after a couple of The big guns were months.... How does someone with as little talent as brought in to remove Valerie Bertinelli continue landing TV roles? "I have no an inflamed testicle idea," says her agent.... Insiders say that Paul Newman of Arnold is still sending a single rose to wife Joanne Woodward's Schwarzenegger grave each day. When a nosy reporter informed Newman that Woodward was still alive, Newman after he injured snapped, " You tabloid guys never know when to stop, do himself doing a stunt you!.... You would think Jean Claude Van Damme during filming of his would still be crying in his wine over his recent break-up next blockbuster with supermodel Elle McPherson. Not so, says Jean, False Lies. "I've had it with supermodels, none of them have any tits.".... Time waits for no one, just ask Sophia Loren. Once the most beautiful woman in Hollywood, if not the world, Sophia, 90, has been cast in an upcoming Steven King movie- as a corpse. Insiders say that King was searching for someone who "looked the part".... Word is that Brooke Shields is suing her plastic surgeon for botching her breast enhancement surgery. "Brooke is having enough problems getting parts without having to explain why her right breast is shaped like the Pentagon," says Brooke's mom. Imagine Merryl Streep's surprise when the American Film Institute presented her with a 13 inch vibrator as a Special Achievement Award. "Finally, a trophy that will do more than just collect dust on my fireplace," laughed Streep.... Funny man Andrew Dice Clay had the crowd in stitches when he secretly slipped arsenic in actress Susan Sarandon's drink at a Malibu nightclub recently. Sarandon was immediately rushed to a nearby hospital to have her stomach pumped; she'll be fine, and the prank went so well that the pair has decided to team up for a madcap comedy to be released this fall!.... For the twelfth consecutive year Ed McMahon has won the Carmel, California Annual Beer Drinking Contest. But friends of Ed fear he may be losing his touch; moments after drinking twenty-two beers in thirty minutes, he threw up on old pal Johnny Carson.... Hundreds of On the set of Hollywood's biggest stars were thrown for a loop last Thelma and Louise: week when they arrived at the funeral for film legend The Early Years. Jack Lemmon. "Jack's still alive", announced buddy Walter Matthau. "Try Joanne Woodward's house. I heard she just died"... Marlon Brando's fondest memory on the set of "The Godfather?" "Twinkies," says Marlon. "While that runt Pacino was practicing his facial

10 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. expressions in the mirror, I was knee deep in those spongy, cream filled treats!.... Michael J. Fox has been cast in the lead in this summer's biography of Macauly Culkin- and Congressman Newt Gingrich has been cast a Macauley's aggressive dad. "I know Newt has no acting experience", says the film's director, " but we needed someone who is truly a jerk.".... What's homely Lyle Lovette's favorite thing about marriage? "Not having to pay for sex is saving me a fortune", says the newlywed. Good for you, Lyle!.... Who was red-hot actress Julia Roberts seen erotically dancing cheek to cheek with at two a.m in LA's trendy Viper Room? None other than brother Eric Roberts. Ooops, looks like they made amends! No one tell Lyle... Kevin Costner has been spending a lot of time lecturing Los Angeles' inner city youths on the benefits of setting goals and achieving them despite life's obstacles. "I'm a perfect example of what you can accomplish if you have a good attitude," says Kevin. "I've managed to become rich and famous without an ounce of ability!".... Insiders say that being neutered was the best career move Warren Beatty has made in years.... How does mega-star Marisa Tomei keep her shapely figure? "I induce vomiting after every meal," explains M. T..... Hollywood Ear reporters caught Danny DeVito raising a raucous when ride operators at Six Flags denied him entry to a roller coaster due to the height requirement. Hours after unloading a fusillade of expletives at the management, DeVito was seen riding an adorable choo-choo train in the kiddy section with wife Rhea Perlman... "A daring departure? Sure it is. What can I say, I fell in love with the script." Said Airplane Star Robert Hays on his latest Cheese Whiz Commercial.... Will we ever find out what really went down in the O.J. case? Well, stay tuned to your TV to find out. O.J. Simpson has agreed to write and star in an NBC mini-series based on the recent slaying of his wife. The twist? The former Buffalo Bill insists on doing all his own stunts. Go Juice, Go!.... Why does Mary Hart have such a penchant for vaginal intercourse? "Beats me!" Laughed the entertainment tonight co-host. "I guess I just find it enjoyable and fulfilling." .... A new poll conducted by People Magazine has determined that by 1996 1 out of every 2 people will be affected by the Flesh Eating Virus... Personality Shelly Long was apprehended at the Santa Monica court house and held for observation when the former Cheers star reportedly tried to file a restraining order against herself... "It's like no other courtroom drama I've ever seen. It's relevant to my people," said Latino political activist Edward James Olmos on his latest feature where Olmos will portray Rico Elandez, in the true story of a Mexican American who was falsely accused, convictedand sentenced to six months in prison for stealing a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor from an 7-11.

NATIONAL LAMPOON 11 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. our attention please... We'd like to welcome you aboard Trans- Continental flight #309, non-stop service from Los Angeles to, where the pilot believes to be, Honolulu Inter SURVIVING national Airport. We'll arrive in Oahu in just over four hours. If THE UNTHINKABLE you have any questions or prob lems, our friendly courteous staff will be more than happy to hand you your flotation device and point you to the nearest exit. Have a DOING pleasant flight." With his fingernails gripped THE UNBEARABLE. tightly into the arm of the passen ger sitting next to him, Alan coached himself on his breathing. An English professor on the main land, his only fault was that turbu WHEN THINKING lence was a four-letter-word. The University of Makihakiniwa TOO MUCH CAN ( n pr nouns' bul) had arranged to fly him out to the medium-sized island to be a guest speaker on the KILL YOU. topic of post-mortem misinterpre tations of western literature. The business-class flight, hotel, and four days were all paid for. But he had spent most of his life anchored

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. between sea and shining sea rather Alan scanned the tray which vice in coach," Rodrigo advised in than flying over them. the steward balanced in his right an excited whisper. "They usually Flying wasn't all that bad to hand. Cola, orange juice, ginger only let you take one bag. You Alan. He had just seen one too ale, and water, all in miniature bot never know when you're going to many Airport/Airplane! movies and tles or cans. He looked past the need another bag. I got lucky. read too many novels about plane curtain which separated the class Coach was filled, so rather than crashes. He wondered aloud how es, toward the rear of the plane. He bumping me to another flight, I got he didn't want to be just another saw that they had just begun serv the only seat left on the plane and subject for Airport '94: The Next ing aluminum-foil-wrapped box o' it's right here in business class." Generation. The man sitting next lunches some 35 rows back. He pointed to Alan's remaining to him, it turned out, worked for a "Orange Juice, please." It bag of peanuts, "You gonna finish small movie company in Los would be a while before he would those?" Angeles. His name was Rodrigo, get some food in his stomach, so he Alan smiled and nodded his and he quickly laughed upon hear decided to at least get some suste head while putting the bag in his ing Alan's fear of inspiring a movie- nance. He didn't know that since pocket on the side away from of-the-week. Then in the same he wasn't sitting in herd class, they Rodrigo. motion as tugging on his goatee, would bring his meal to him when He sipped his orange juice and he grabbed a pen stuck in his pony- ever he wanted. With one hand, rifled through the pocket of the tail and jotted down verbatim what the steward opened the bottle of back of the seat in front of him Alan had said on a barf-bag taken orange juice, filled a glass with ice, when the plane jerked sharply to from the seat pocket in front of poured it, grabbed two bags of the left. Alan was stunned and him. He then stuck the impromp peanuts, pulled down his tray and Rodrigo was now stained. Alan felt tu notepad into his briefcase. arranged it nicely with a cocktail scared by the plane, but mysteri "Would you like something to napkin folded to look like a WWI ously satisfied having spilt his drink, sir? Maybe a hot wash vintage biplane. orange juice on his neighbor's cloth?" "I probably won't finish two shirt. Alan jerked his head to find the bags," said Alan. He began to hand Everything seemed to justify steward hovering above him. one of the bags back to the steward, Alan's reasons for never having "We'll be serving lunch in just but it was intercepted by his next- stepped on a plane for the past 28 a few minutes, but you look like seat neighbor. Rodrigo. years of his life. you could use something to drink." "You don't get this kind of ser "Your attention please... If you

NATIONAL LAMPOON 13 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. look out of the left side of the air- now engulfed in flames. The plane Just him, sand, and lots of salt plane, you should be able to see jerked again, this time sending the water. His Dockers were damp, but nothing but miles of ocean. If you 3/4-full food cart hurtling down the he had no idea how long he had look out the right side of the plane, aisle toward the front of the plane been on the beach, as his watch about 6000 miles to the north we'll and sending the steward tumbling had stopped due to water damage see the southed tin of Alaska." '; ' backward causing him to spill some time ago. The whole situa The sun shone iillv into his Alan's beef stroganoff and fresh tion was a cliche. At the same time eyes, glimmering from the distant / baked muffin. Alan was amused and terrified of it. Pacific. The plane 'ierk ! nee \ Flames on airline engines are Was he dreaming? No. W again, this time lo ihe rig-In-. nol uncommon. But what Alan alive? Yes. Looking back, he saw, ttv^j>[A\'^ and the rest of the passengers and He waded around in the shal ardess, still some fc0r$w^e£ip#- x-c.re\v on flight #309 didn't know low water surrounding the island him, struggle to maintain a prone ~f was that both extinguishing noz- and came up with various items position next to the meal cart^-He ' zles near the engine were sealed from the plane. Alan was now the also noticed a teenage boy become shut, caked over with seagull drop proud owner of a airplane seat excited that the turbulence had pings. The pilot frantically pressed cushion, an occupied-seat sign, turned his lap into a temporary the extinguish button, but the three barf bags, an airline maga seat for the stewardess. power of the seagull droppings zine, a Transcontinental Airlines Alan looked outside the win proved too much for a man-made "The #1 on-time Airline in the dow, past Rodrigo and focused on aircraft to overcome. ^^^ west" ballpoint pen, and a pair of the sun shining off the ocean. But The oxygen masks dropped as airline headphones. the bright light wasn't from the did the nose of the plane. Had God He sat down admiring his ocean, nor from the sun. The been required to personally answer booty. But would anyone ever reflection from the wing illuminat all of the people calling his name in come? With the seat cushion (also ed the entire cabin... and then he prayer or in vain, even He would acts as a flotation device) Alan saw the flames. have been very busy this day. made a large "X" in the sand by "You know..." said Rodrigo When he came to, Alan might dragging the cushion in the dirt. while taking down notes on his have laughed, but he was too How was he going to survive? barf-bag, "outside of Hollywood, no exhausted. There he sat, on a There were no fish and no birds to plane has ever survived a crash at sandy beach with nothing but catch. There weren't any dead bod sea." He said this apparently water for 360 degrees. Somewhere ies floating around that he could unaware that one of the engines in the Pacific Ocean, he presumed, eat. But then he wouldn't want to had disintegrated at 40,000 feet. there was no one else in sight. No copy the movie Alive. He thought "Is that supposed to happen?" plane. No debris. Just him sitting about eating his own limbs, but he Alan asked as he pressed his index on an island no bigger than his was sure he read that in a Stephen finger up against the window one-bedroom, single-occupancy King novel, or saw it on a Twilight toward the port engine which was apartment in the Valley. Zone episode. The last thing he wanted was the newspapers to write about a copycat suicide eat ing his own fingers. That would be far too derivative. He crouched down on the water's edge and buried his face in his hands. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed something hanging out of his torn pants pocket. He pulled out the still-unopened bag of peanuts. Food! Food! Food! At least he had something to eat, and there was no one else on the island with whom he'd have to share his nuts with. However, he realized that the only thing standing between him and dying was a tiny bag of peanuts. He yelled, and screamed. But his cries fell upon no ears other than his own. When no one responded, he opened the bag and

14 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. attempted to slit his wrists with a was no sign of any boat, plane, o A he made a few wet peanut. Needless to say, he ship except the sun which phone calls. survived. mockingly and monoto w A few months Over and over he thought to nously rose and set later, filming began on himself that he should have asked every day. the next generation of dis for that second bag. For decades, He looked down s, aster films in which Alan was no one had ever been penalized so at his little toe and one of an ensemble of charac harshly for failing to take advan salivated. Did he really s ters whose lives and destinies were tage of free peanuts. Now all the need it? What if it were to "by acci traced along with that of Flight nuts in the world were as good as dent" fall off? Would he eat it, or #309. His character was brave, on the bottom of the ocean. would he die? There wasn't any stoic, and died with dignity. He rationed himself three real use for that toe anyway. Would The movie had been scheduled neanuts and opened up the airline it taste good? Peanuts made him for a nationwide theater release, magazine. He fashioned a seat out very thirsty, but he had no idea but that deal fell through. So did of mud, and put the headphones what a toe would do. What about the one for television and the one on, plugging them deep into the his left pinky? The only time he for video. The film gathered dust sand. ever used that was to pick his nose, in a vault for years, never having Flipping through the maga or unscrew a jar of Snapple. seen the light of distribution. Up zine, he turned to a page of adult Out of a small rock, he fash in heaven, he was proud that his corporate yuppie toys. "If you were ioned a knife, sharpened by grind life hadn't been reduced to cellu stranded on a desert island, and ing it against the calloused heel of loid. The world didn't need anoth could only bring three things, what his foot. er desert island story to make peo would you bring," he pretended, "No... No... No... They'll find ple conscious of copying someone playing the game we all play as my body and think I'm obsessed else with their survival. children. Water and food were with Stephen King novels if I eat The only testament which never popular choices at age eight myself," he deliriously considered. remained on earth to Alan's losing as long as Star Wars figures and In that book, he remembered, a battle to starvation was tucked Matchbox cars were around. It was doctor was stranded and had to away in the dark recesses of the a good thing that no one important sever various parts of his body for English building basement at the kept tabs on little kids' wishes in food in order to survive. But where University. The Alan Tubtun case of this situation and actually would it end? If he already ate his Memorial Peanut Vending granted them, or he would be sit hands, how would he hold the knife Machine. That was all. ting between a die-cast metal to cut the next thing off. No one ever restocked the Millennium Falcon, his Saturday With all 10 fingers and toes machine. No one ever had to. Alan Night Fever LP record, and his intact, and all the peanuts gone, made sure it was always filled. As cute 7-year-old neighbor Susie Alan dreamed of two beautiful an angel, He always flew around Crabsky. Content with nothing, island girls bringing him a Big Mac with two bags of peanuts. You're Alan began to keep a diary by writ and a supersize orange drink on a allowed to do that in heaven, ing on the barf bag. They weren't silver tray along with his die-cast because you never know when his real thoughts and feelings Millennium Falcon. you're going to need a peanut. JL which he wrote down, because he He got as far as the special feared them being found and mak sauce, lettuce and cheese in his ing others feel pity for him once mind before his mouth was filled his diaries were inevitably made with sand, and his mind stopped ^g public. Instead he wrote about working. He removed his contacts, catching fish, being mentally put on his headset, and put his strong, and knowing in his heart sand-seat into its full upright posi that someone, someday would res tion and went to sleep forever. cue him* His body was found some days Instead, he tried a steady diet later, with a pointed peanut in one of mud pies which proved to be hand, and a mouthful of mud. high in calcium but low on taste. Most of the passengers from "I love you but I have to kill you!" flight #309 had been saved a few he shouted at the mud pies who hours after the plane crashed, scarcely returned comment. including Rodrigo, who read a His peanut ration went down small sidebar article in the local to two a day, but after three days newspaper about Alan's unfortu without salt-free water, Alan tried nate demise. He sat in his office to reassess his priorities. There and offered a prayer to Alan. Then

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Big House Babies: One by one, the candles are put out of living aWRgements between men behavior bec^lfc ^edent. In by the pro-lifers outside the Walls Unit and women inmates. So far, the results Huntsville, with t^J »it help, an at the Huntsville prison complex. It is a have been outstanding. Of course, it's empirical society of relSPhships, con somber gesture, a symbolic reference to all very hush-hush." This slip of the structed by a computer index of suitable the final page of the evil, pathetic life of tongue bombshell, told to an audience partners, has completely eliminated the convicted serial killer Jeff "Let Me at of law enforcement officers and a sur problems often associated with the 'Em" Dadam. But even before the reptitious television camera crew, set off American penal system. By alleviating town's lights dim and the televisions a flurry of raised eyebrows which soon the frustration of not being able to blink, before 'Old Sparky' can summ^rv snow-tjaHed into a clamorous inquiry. reproduce, even in facsimile, aggressive up the town's electrical juice to perco Quesri-owd the next morning by behavior - rioting, inmate rape, murder, late Jeff's brain like day-old coffee reporters, a hungover Bassham denied fighting - the usual horrors - become grounds, a controversial issue of a dif saying anything. Alas, when the video nonexistent. ferent sort plays itself out behind the tape of the evening's festivities aired on Schores then went on for four red-brick walls of the venerable prison. stations across the state, Bassham more hours to further discuss the sub "Our baby!" Kat Withers cries from remitted that-hjs memory was'lfbit ject but the point had been made. her jail cell. "What about our beautiful unclear. EnteKpaTTieT^choTeC official However, not everyone was so baby?" In her arms - the same hideous prison consultanband noted sociologist impressed. from Jarvis Jurfio/'Callege. He was appendages that wielded the mawl used , "Bullshit!" howls Southern Baptist ruthlessly to extinguish the lives of thir quickly brougnt)ii^^l re1p~clarify leader Joshua DeWitt in typical non-sci teen cub scouts at a benefit carwashN Bassham's propoundedgaffe. Schores, entific fervor. From the pulpit of the rests a softly cooing bundle"oTjoy\ She affectionately known as "Snores" Waco Church on the Rocks, he glowers cuddles the baby tightly, bringing it —because of his sleepy eyes and pompous; at the congregation of farmers and closer to her bosom, providing a padle —jnariner of speech, spoke to an army of rqsprterL still mad months after Dr. of warmth against the cold cinder block —repoBers on the steps of the state capitol Schores-address. "I'm not buying any of walls. What the hell is going on here? —btrituing. Behind him, numerous prison this facsimile-smacsimile mumbo- officials glared at the assemblage. • jumbo. These animajsjire not having **•****••••* "Yes, inmates of the opposite sexes Christian relationshipsT~They are hav- In an astonishing statement made are sharing ceTIslmTHrave been for the tngcarnal affairs resulting in a devil's this summer at the Marshall Fireant last five years,,r5ai

WAKE UP AMERICA! NATIONAL LAMPOON 19 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Jimmy Webb: controller who worked in the tower. makes up with sheer inventive wizardry. This was confirmed by a small recorded His computer is of his own design. He fragment of an obscure third voice - a made it at home from an old Magnavox, The passengers on Aeroflot Flight voice promptly identified as that of an an eight-track tape player and a lot of 413 from St. Petersburg were anticipat international telephone operator. odds and ends picked up at Radio ing a tranquil landing at London's Horribly, somebody had managed to Shack. The way he puts it to use is also Heathrow Airport. The airplane, a lum pirate the tower's air traffic control fantastic. He breaks into the highest bering Gigansky Shmug-38, was filled communications via the satellite phone security networks as if they were child to capacity with Russian vacationers, network. But who? proof aspirin bottles. In a way, I admire many of whom were visiting the West Meet Jimmy Webb. He is a small, his resourcefulness, but I know he must for the first time. "Another round of wiry man of thirty. Sitting on a shred be stopped. That's why I'm surprised Vodka!" shouted the stewardess, and ded mattress in the small isolation cell that the courts have allowed him to everybody cheered as the bottles were at the Sherman Psychiatric Ward for the retain his computer. I guess we can all broken out for one last nip before Criminally Insane, he looks odd, mainly thank Mr. Shapiro for that." touchdown. Happiness abounded because he looks so normal. But don't Of course, Dr. Taylor is speaking of everywhere. But Dmitri Stoikov was be mistaken by his benign appearance. Mr. Rupert Shapiro, Jimmy's high pro not happy. Dmitri, a seasoned pilot of Behind the thick glasses and suspenders file attorney, the man described by his more than 7,000 flying hours, sat grim lurks the heart of a viper, a man so dis colleagues as a 'greed-addled viper' who ly at the controls. He was maintaining turbed that authorities have given him would 'sue Mother Teresa for the a circular holding pattern over the sea of the title of Public Enemy Number One. clothes on her back'. Utilizing the same lights that twinkled beneath the giant "The Aeroflot catastrophe...I did brilliant legal techniques he used to wings, waiting for the landing go-ahead that, though my lawyer convinced the help dismiss the 1,109 counts of first to come through from the tower. But jury that I didn't," says Jimmy beaming degree murder (he couldn't help Jimmy something was wrong - terribly wrong. with pride. "With a modem of my spe beat the rap on telephone fraud), he has He couldn't put his finger on it, but his cial design, the pay-phone outside my forced the courts to allow Jimmy to peculiar Russian sense of doom alerted hotel, and of course my computer, I was retain his computer by obtusely invok him to an impending catastrophe. easily able to gain access to Heathrow's ing his constitutional right to freedom Finally, the tower radio cut into his tower communications. It was fun." of speech. headset telling him to begin his Fun? This trite adjective only gives a Said Mr. Shapiro in a carefully approach at southern runway number hint at the depth of Webb's moral cor orchestrated press conference, "I have four. He eased back on the throttle and ruption. gained a victory, not only for Mr. Webb, kicked the ailerons. The plane gradual "What we have here," says psychia but for all people. The First ly descended. He sighed audibly. Maybe trist Dr. Susan Taylor, "is absolute moral Amendment is no laughing matter." it was all just a case of badly jangled bankruptcy. There is a dim recognition No, it is not a laughing matter, but nei nerves. Nothing a shot of Vodka would of right and wrong, but there is no cor ther is a homicidal misanthrope like n't help. He called for the stewardess. responding compulsion to adhere to Jimmy Webb. Yes, it was just his nerves. Maybe, just society's values. Mr. Webb acts on his "Mr. Shapiro is a schmuck," says maybe, everything would be all right. own whims, he does whatever tickles Dr. Taylor. "Everyday now, when we Maybe? Maybe not! his sick fancy. allow Mr. Webb his hour of free time in Suddenly, to the more than mild But to further understand Jimmy the recreation corridor, he heads direct surprise of all those on board, the star Webb, one must also understand his ly for the telephone with that infernal board windows were filled with the ego, which is formidably large. computer in tow, and there's not a looming presence of a British Airways Dr. Taylor says, "Part of Mr. Webb's damn thing we can do. He has a 747. The smiles and mirth that had so behavior can be attributed to his ego, modem, too. He made it out of the blithely filled the Gigansky gave way to one of the largest, if not THE largest fibers in his mattress. What can you a stoic Russian silence as the vacation we've ever seen around here. When we say? He could build a car from a bar of ers understood that they were going to tested Mr. Webb with the DEP soap. So now he just sits by the phone, be touching English soil much sooner (Delaware Ego Profile), he was absolute giggling insanely, making his calls to than expected. "Nyet, nyet, nyet!" said ly off the scale. I mean not just kind of God knows where. Dmitri, "Nyet!" off, but way off. In fact never in the his "His computer," the doctor adds What resulted was the worst crash tory of the test has anyone scored a per dramatically, "is some kind of umbili in commercial aviation history. 1,109 fect Id. Then we did a Rorschach and cal... to his soul." people were killed. he said all the ink blots reminded him Certainly the Aeroflot tragedy is When investigators recovered the of himself. We'd show him one and he Jimmy's most notorious suspected flight recorder device, from the hapless would say, 'Oh, that's me in the shower,' accomplishment, but it is by no means Russian jet, they were struck speechless or 'that's me coming home from Burger the only one, nor interestingly, the one by a shocking revelation. Upon listen Barn,' or 'that's me standing in my clos that makes him most proud. ing to the "black box," they discovered et.' It was obnoxious. "A couple of summers ago I started that the voice from the flight control "Mr. Webb's moral turpitude is dis thinking about endangered animals, and tower was deliberately directing the two gusting, yes, but he is also a genius," so I tapped into the international protec aircraft together. Furthermore, the continues Dr. Taylor. "What he lacks in tion list on file with the U.N.," says traffic control voice was not that of any the moral judgment department, he Jimmy from his cell. "From the list, I

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Call Toll-Free: 1-800-367-4534 'Any applicable sales tax will be billedvith shipment. Higher shipping/handling outside U.S. The BBC and ail-major world broadcasters Extension 697-376 are pre-set for instant retrieval. You can add Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. chose to delete the Marmuthian Ocelot, that? But, we're checking up on weight alcoholics belting out which can only be found in the lowland Shapiro. We think he's being paid by "Sometimes when we touch," or it's cul steppes of Tibet. It was great. Before transferred stock options. The SCC said tural counterbalance: drunken Japanese anyone even had an inkling of what I a hundred-thousand shares of IBM mys businessmen. No, this is the next level had done, the Marmuthian Ocelot had teriously appeared in Mr. Shapiro's port of Karaoke. These students at Notre been wiped off the face of the planet. It folio. Makes you kind of suspicious, Dame are just the first to tap into it. was that simple. I remember seeing pic huh? Shapiro's playing a dangerous Chewy, the varsity basketball cap tures in a magazine of little Tibetan game, though. If we don't get him, tain who is serving as MC this evening, monks trying to hold off the hunters than Webb will. He has a habit of turn is passing around the sign -up sheet. It from killing the last one. It had taken ing on people." is greeted and signed with both arro refuge inside a temple. Of course they What does the future hold for little gance, and concern; participants are failed, and the hunters killed and Jimmy Webb? always strategic about placing them skinned the beast right there on the "They're keeping me in this joint selves in the line up. You can never altar. Do you know how good that made for phone fraud," says Webb clutching overplan these things. me feel?" his computer, "and I'm up for parole in At the stroke of midnight, the now Another act authorities strongly a year. Obviously, I can't wait that long, slightly tipsy mob filters from the bar suspect to be a product of Webb's nefar but I don't think my lawyer can help and pool room to the wooden collapsible ious handiwork, though it has never me. He's performed marvelously in the chairs that are crammed together on the been proven, was the altering of the soc past, but he's outlived his usefulness. hardwood floor beneath the stage. With cer score between Zimbabwe and What I do see is maybe a change in the a final spit of his Copenhagen, Chewy Namibia on the Reuters news wire. The law and perhaps an early parole, maybe wheels out the Teleprompter and ner 4-1 score, in favor of Zimbabwe was as soon as....tomorrow." vously taps the mike. inaccurately reported as 10-0 the oppo Tomorrow! Then what? "Uh, is this thing on? Testing..one, site way, leading to jubilant celebrating Jimmy pauses and scratches his two, three " in the streets of Boinka Raton. When head thoughtfully. The crowd vies for the best seats on the error was corrected, a huge misun "I was reading about the Chernobyl the hardwood floor, being careful not to derstanding ensued, resulting with the accident and that gave me some good spill the drinks they carried over from tiny nation of Namibia, in a bold xeno ideas." the bar. Tina frantically darts around phobic move, declaring war on the The world waits in fear. RJI, DCG taking additional orders, mostly for entire continent of Africa. A bloody pitchers. This is by far the busiest night three-week war then broke out. of the week. Perry Trial, head spook for the FBI's Poetry In Motion: "Um...attention everyone, as soon electronic division has been keeping tabs as you all get settled in we can start the on Jimmy Webb for years and has com The sports bar in South Bend, show...(pause)...O.K., great. The sign up piled a large dossier. Indiana has the friendly aroma of sweat, sheet is locked, so if you didn't get on, "The Namibia affair has all the ear stale beer, and the usual pile of damp you're gonna have to wait until next marks of a Webb job. He tends to have woodshavings on the floor. It's unusu week." A few sighs are heard from the a flair for the spectacular, a certain style ally hot in here, even for July. Robust crowd. "We have a special treat tonight, that is unmistakable. That combined Notre Dame students patiently wait for Joey Hennesy, the second string quarter with the obvious technical expertise Tina, the girl behind the counter to fill back from Michigan is here and he's involved makes it easy to identify his up their Neolithic-looking tankards gonna do a set." work. with whatever beer is the current trend. Everyone simultaneously turns and "For instance, the huge cache of They make the rounds from table to for the first time notice Hennesy sitting pornographic material that was deposit table, stopping to pat a teammate on in the back row confidently dribbling ed on the defense computers, that too the back or perhaps exchange a friendly Copenhagen juice into a little styrofoam was a Webb job. He leaves no traces, word with an ex-signifigant other. cup. The Notre Dame students eye him but you know it was him by under Some mouth the words to whatever as if he were a skinhead unexpectedly standing his taste in women. top-forty song the jukebox is playing showing up at a Barmitzvah. Thousands of pictures of short, middle- while others argue about who owes who "So without further adieu, lets aged, red-headed blimps - women close how much based on the results of the bring up our first participant, uh," ly resembling his mother - leave little latest baseball game. Everyone is tan Chewy consults the sign up sheet. doubt." Trial will be the first to admit, and pleasant to look at. "Sparky O'Neill" though, that evidence like that would From the jovial look of things, O'Neil, the stubby red-headed cor- never stand up in court, especially with you'd think that the apex of the evening nerback takes the stage amid drunken a sharp lawyer like Shapiro. has already been reached- but it hasn't. chants and squeals of delight. He "Webb made a mistake hooking up These party-goers are all gathered here exchanges a quick high-five with Chewy to Heathrow from the pay phone out for a reason, and it's not to talk about as the MC exits the stage. "Kick some side his residence. He got cocky. But current events. The highlight of the ass, man." are his parting words of that guy Shapiro got him off by con evening has yet to take place. encouragement. vincing the jury that his phone call to Forget Karaoke, that incredibly O'Neil turns on the teleprompter London immediate prior to the crash uncool "star-for-three-minutes" fad that and takes the mike. The anxious crowd was pure coincidence. Can you believe has long been associated with over savors the moment of silence before

22 NATIONAL LAMPOON WAKE UP AMERICA! Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. O'Neil begins to read from the monitor: good looks. He's also smart enough to way, ready to defend their Dickinson "Do not go gentle into that good avert his attention from the Teleprompter reciting friend till the death. Other night..." every now and then to make eye contact bloodthirsty Dickinson fans rise as well. The cocky bastard starts out with with the crowd. But I guess smart isn't Tina, sharp in eyeing the situation, runs Thomas! the word. Hennesy's acute sense of tim in the back room to get the owner. Sure, a perennial barroom favorite, ing and showmanship come from years of Hennesy just sits in the back row but one usually reserved for the climax hard work and dedication. with his feet up, beer neatly tucked of the evening. "What immortal hand or eye, could away at the base of his crotch. He's Supporters in the front row frame thy fearful symmetry." sporting a shit-eating grin. exchange excited looks and cheer their The crowd all but swoons. "Alright, you punks," Mr. Dudley, friend on, while the traditionalists in the Hennesy pauses to toss back a cherry class of '66, the owner, comes out from back silently get up to leave, taken back jello shot in a single fluid motion, the backroom with a cigar clenched by O'Neil's frankness. which is largely poetic in itself. A few between his teeth and a Louisville "Rage, rage into that dying light!!!" jealous sots in the back row are already Slugger in his left hand. "Not in my Yeah, O'Neil has balls. Starting out fumbling through the Karaoke index of bar, take this outside!" poetry night with a maverick like poems trying to select verse that will So the two opposing sides dash out Thomas is a blatant attention- getting sustain, or even rival the energy being into the parking lot to settle this dispute move. You usually want to ease your created on stage by the second string the only way drunken crowds know how. way into these things. Start out with quarterback. Those in favor of Romanticism on one maybe Shelly, Whitman, or Hugo even. What will it be? Bauldelaire? side, those opposed, the other. In the Wilde can function as a crowd pleaser Hugo? Frost? Kippling? Reading the mad dash to the parking lot, people grab although the reciter always runs the crowd is essentially everything. objects at their disposal: beer bottles, risk of being subjected to the more- After much deliberation, the sots table legs, anything solid they can get than-occasional chant of "Fag Hag!" send up their best, Randall Patterson, a their hands on. O'Neil quickly finishes his set (90% first boat crew-man who stands at only When the bar is totally empty, was intended shock value) and Tina 5'5" but bench presses one-and-a-half Hennesy laughs to himself and gives his darts out to refill the empty beer pitch times his weight and can parse pen beer a final sip. He stands up and walks ers. Chewy returns to the stage. tameter in his sleep. outside. By now the rumble is in full "Hell of an intro, Sparky! Fuckin- But this is no place for false confi gear. The dull thud of bone hitting bone A!!!!" They exchange a long well- dence. When your up on stage with that is heard through various cries of pain rehearsed series of high-fives and mic in your hand, temperament and and rage. A third string defensive tackle Sparky goes back to the bar for a "post- composure are everything. There's noth has Chewy's head firmly pressed against reading celebration." ing more pathetic than watching a the bare engine of his Buick and is furi "O.K, our next participant, as I squirming, 200 lb Irishman, fumble out ously slamming the hood up and down. mentioned before is visiting from verses from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Several crewman struggle to hold back Michigan, so let's make him feel real Sonnets of Portuguese to a drunken the shirtless marine as he stands on welcome, Joey Hennesy!" unruly crowd. Especially this one. Patterson's back, thrashing him in the Hennesy spits out his Copenhagen "Uh, is this thing on?" Tap, tap, ass with his leather belt. They can't wad and confidently takes the stage. tap. The crowd winces as feedback seem to stop him, he just keeps on The skeptical crowd reserves it's squeals through the amp. Definitely a thrashing with this mad look in his eye, applause. Michigan? What do they bad start. "Oh, cool. O.K. uh,'There is all the time reciting Charles know about poetry? no frigate like a book...'" More feed Bauldelaire's Flowers of Evil with a strange accent. But still, this is the mid-west and back. The restless crowd stirs in their football players might as well be clergy. seats as Patterson squints at the Amid the excitement are heard bro The crowd hushes. Hennesy takes the Teleprompter. "Because I could not ken quotes of Frost, Blake, and Poe mike and doesn't waste any time, barely stop for Death...He kindly stopped for even. Desperate cries mostly, only last a even looking at the teleprompter. me." A lit cigarette butt is pelted at few sentences. "Tiger, Tiger, burning bright! In Patterson's forehead. People laugh as Hennesy steps outside and elbows the forests of the night!" he pretends not to notice. He struggles his way through the masses of tangled An outside linebacker in the front not to cry and just finish the damn brawlers and climbs atop someone's row raises a lit match in one hand and a poem. Pontiac T-Bird and poises himself in a half empty Genuine Draft in the other. "I'm nobody! Who are you!" Spartacus-like stance. He surveys the A cute little co-ed sitting at the bar locks Fucking Dickinson. A pathetic glorious battle that surrounds him. A eyes with Hennesy and smiles, denoting attempt to jump on the Romanticism battle that he started. just a hint of mischief. A buzz-cutted bandwagon set by Hennesy. "Though I've belted you an' flayed musclehead wearing a If You Can't Run "Get off the stage you homo!" you, With The Big Dogs, Stay On The Porch Shouts an ex-marine. "Show a little By the livin' Gawd that made you, T-Shirt lets out a shrill whistle of respect, goddammit!" yells Patterson's You're a better man than I am, endorsement. Hennesy wins over the fellow crewman. He adds weight to this Gunga Din!" crowd. He's no stranger to this. statement by throwing an empty beer JW The warm yellow stage lights har can in the direction of the marine. The monize well with his fiery hair and Celtic Crewman's friends stand up in a hostile •**•*••**•••

WAKE UP AMERICA! NATIONAL LAMPOON 23 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NAfItNAU flEAMPMN USMM. Read the Classics of NATIONAL LAMPOON D National Lampoon Presents True Facts: The Book 192 pages with the funniest True Facts items yet. $7.95 D National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology, Volume I Hall'of our best tenth anniversary hook ever -and the first half. $4.95 D National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology, Volume II The sequel is even better. $4.95 t ] National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary, Deluxe Edition This one is hardbound, for painful dropping on one's foot. $19.95 M National Lampoon Foto Funnies The first edition of funnies told through lotos, published in 1980. $2.95 • National Lampoon Foto Funnies All-new. all- brilliant Foto Funnies. If you liked them in the magazine, you'll really love them in the book. 1986. $2.95 D National Lampoon High School Yearbook Parody Critically acclaimed across America, this one still has its surviving writers chuckling. $4.95 D The Best of National Lampoon, No. 4 Just the good shit from 1972-1973. $2.50 • The Best of National Lampoon, No. 5 The best stuff from 1973-1974. $2.50 • The Best of National Lampoon, No. 8 Jokes started getting more expensive in 1976- 1977. $3.95 • The Best of National Lampoon, No. 9 But we managed to hold the line on prices during 1978- 1980. $3.95 D National Lampoon True Facts The original, tincensored work, now available in English. It all happened. $2.95 • National Lampoon True Facts '86 The third all-new collection not even we could dream up. $2.95 [.] National Lampoon Deluxe Edition of Animal House The full-color, illustrated book on which the movie was not based. This came later. $4.95 D Cartoons Even We Wouldn't Dare Print Not in the magazine, anyway. Disgusting. $2.95 • Son of Cartoons Even We Wouldn't Dare Print II: A Sequel Even worse than the first. $2.95 National Lampoon Classics • National Lampoon's Very Large Book of Comical It is imperative that I acquire the items checked above in order to keep my human collection complete. Funnies It's comical and it's a reprint. It's some of the Please enclose $1 .75 (or postage and handling for each item ordered; $2.00 per book tor Canada and foreign. best damn comics you'll ever sec. $3.95 If I'm a New York state resident I'm adding 8.25 percent sales tax, which is another matter entirely. • National Lampoon Comics Not the stand-ups. just the lay-downs. $2.50 • National Lampoon Dirty Joke Book The filthy, the Name (please print). funny, and the farmer's daughter. $2.95 • National Lampoon Dirty Dirty Joke Book Collection Address of ribald stories, limericks, onc-lincrs. cartoons, and other off-color works. $2.95 City .Zip. • Encyclopedia of Humor Everything funny from A toZ. Hardcover. $4.95 Total amount enclosed. G National Lampoon's Story of the Iran-Contra Affair • Check enclosed • Charge to my: Just when you thought it was safe to sell arms to Iran. $2.50 I J National Lampoon's Cartoon Book Our all-time best cartoons at an all-time great price. $3.95

Tear out the whole page with items checked, enclose check ov mot>ey order, and mail to: NATIONAL LAMPOON, io850 Wilshire Blvd, Ste 1000, Los Angeles, CA 90024 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. The Amish Fetish Magazine

This Month's Special Feature:

I will bring ye a Hoe "Guaranteed To Raise Your Barn!"

<-W T) I le JDItick oor TM Tnis original european model brings hours or enjoyment tor all your milking needs.

pieas e come ny our home and watch Margaret squirt one the length of ABOVE: Margaret practices her technique that has many two noes directly into a young farmer asking her for lYe Bucket7 a helping hand.

•v: 1"^ 111, •^L. V_>,_/^ ^3 I owjield Road NATIONAL LAMPOON 2" Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. mean you want to Eli says, churn butter if you Eternal damnation occasionally wear a seems to be your destiny. I pray bonnet. for you brother. And here's those ankle pictures you requested. Dear Eli, Dear Eli, I have a bonnet fetish. I must share an Is this normal? It all happened experience with your God Dear Eli, one morning as I was rising fearing readers. Recently, I was I'm worried about the before dawn to till the soil. My invited on a buggy-ride to the size of my hoe. I know I can till wife had left her bonnet by the local town with Elsa—daughter the soil as good as men with candle on the nightstand. of Jacob, our community's bigger hoes, but I'm still very Curious, I tired it on, and to my blacksmith. Our journey began self-conscious. Do ladies really surprise, I liked it! Now I ordinarily enough. We spoke of look for hoe size? What is secretly wear a bonnet under the Lord and of cheese considered average? I need to my black-brimmed hat because processing. Then, an know! I simply like the way it feels! unexplained event occurred Enclosed is a sketch of myself, which I'll never forget. While Signed, Mordichi—tiller of the soil—in stepping from the buggy, Elsa— Hoe-Conscious Levi my wife's bonnet. daughter of Jacobs—long, black dress rose up and I caught a Eli says, Signed, brief glimpse of her ankle! A small hoe does not Mordichi—tiller of the Lately, I've been having impure make you any less of a man. soil thoughts about this ankle. Women are happy with a hoe What can I do? which can help cultivate their Eli says, crops. The average hoe size It's very normal to wear Signed, should be measured from your a woman's bonnet! Many men Anonymous Carpenter shoulder to the ground. If your who work in the field secretly hoe is smaller than this, then wear bonnets under their felt P.S. Can you print more pictures perhaps you are a little light in hats. And remember, it doesn't of young women's ankles? the suspenders!

tor Typesetter Publisher ; Printer HARMON LEONl Volunteers; Sister Rachel Sister Martha Brother Jacob m delivered to the Leon Home on Bain road—by dusk, last Tuesday 0r the mon

Mill? is the key ingredient in Lutter preparati

She cultivates her crops Burn, Baby, Burn She likes to make butter Churn, Baby, Churn MESSY Rachel must mold the butter into sticks. She Aye, she's Amish! prefers to mold the butter into sticks 9-10 inches long! Hours and hours of practice have made Rachel an expert. H-m-m-m! SAUCY Margaret is an extreme pro at handling cows. Her expert hands know exactly what to do with a cow's udder. Margaret is known to fill over 20 'Ye Buckets' of milk in a matter of hours! My, my, my, that's a lot of milk!

CREAMY Martha loves butter churning She rises before dawn in order to perform this important task! Without her, the community would go without butter. Butter churning is a traditional task which requires strong arm muscles. Churn, baby, churn!

AMISH HAT Accept no imitation! This is the original! Dark, round and uniquely Amish.

Cost: three bushels of corn.

At Crazy Eliezer's, where it won't cost you a fall's harvest for a buggy*

BUMPER STICKERS CANDLELIGHT—centuries of SWM Carpenter seeks community- "I Amish" satisfied Amish can't be wrong! minded woman for laboring side- "How's My Driving? CANDLELIGHT—for the future! by-side and strolls down the lane. Dial 1-800-THE-AMISH" Cost: One dozen for six corn No freaks, weirdos or S&M. Cost: one hen each. Talk Amish to me! SWF Quiltmaker seeks dedicated AMISH/QUAKER JOKE BOOK 1-900-THE-AMISH SWM with HUGE acreage. Must Q: How many Amish does it take Give me some rich storytelling! have very fertile soil. Amish need to screw in a light bulb? 98 sins per minute only apply. A: None. They don't believe in electricity! 1001 Ways to Work with Wheat. ANIMAL If you got the OXEN, I Cost: one box of eggs. Learn the tricks from the experts got the harness, Together we can Cost: 2 bushels of wheat. bale dried hay! Must be alcohol MORE BUMPER STICKERS and drug free. "We're Amish, You're not- Please leavith soon" Amish Personals SWF Looking for SWM to pray Cost: FREE with. No mind games. SWF Needs Amish man with Commitment to the Lord a must! HOW TO SPEAK AMISH! Guide to extremely long hoe. The longer No sex before marriage! local Amish slang. Talk the the hoe, the better. Hoe size is "ordnung" talk. Don't be mistaken everything to me. Those cursed by GWM Looking for eternal for a Quaker! Cost: two quilts. God with a short hoe need not damnation by the Lord. Likes apply. sinning against his community and LE THEATER DE LA AMISH expects pure horror in the Presents: The master of Amish SWM Looking for Amish of either afterworld. mime —MILO SILO sex for a "fun" time. But not too One night only! much fun because then guilt will Performing traditional Amish arise. Must be into rich M-Mennonite mime. Including his signature storytelling and endless debates. W=Working for the Lord piece, "Walking Against the Wind Excommunicated and shunned by S=Schleithhiem Confessional of of Progress" the Old Order Amish, a plus. Faith

Hoe NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 9tefiqknt@ «nhi(un ^W Harmon Leon Q^w In 1937 the famous Dutch 8) The Smothers Brothers 22) Baby Circumcision exploring brothers, Ingoora and Tito Reenact the Crucifixion! Doll. Practice home Rjukerooka, began mounting one of Everyone's favorite brothers circumcision! With the world's largest collections of reenact Jesus' last moments foreskin refills. $26.99 religion's truly strange, weird and on this fabulous LP. $12.99 23) Moslem Mamas on bizarre items. Many were stolen by 9) Bottled Carbonated Motorcycles! Salmon Rushdie's' the Nazis during WWII and used by Holy Water! unpublished sequel to the Satanic Adolf Hitler himself for his own Just because you're Verses. $9.99 grandiose amusement and decadent holy doesn't mean Ayrian religious activity. At the time, 24) Bible Twister. Right-hand Leviticus, you can't be it was believed that the possession left-foot Lepers. 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From the cre if I can talk to you about what's in Religious Remnants ators of Mr. Potato Head. $9.99 my pants! $9.99 1 Fantic Way HolyMoly,TX94110 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Pebple I by David C. Garret thinner, the sheer edges become sharper and sharper. Some typing paper today has more cutting power than a scalpel of the 19th h Century," says Erksine. Have you ever wondered who He tests, at random, samples of makes that possible? Enter Blake all paper bonds "just to make sure." Erksine. Affectionately known at "Make sure of what?" you might ask. Daniels Stationery, Inc., as The "Make sure a guy don't cut his Paper Cut Guy. dick off accidentally, you know, like eople have jobs. But some "Hell," says Erksine, a ram while opening the mail in the raw," people really have jobs— bunctious 74-year-old red-headed says Erksine. "Ever heard about a strange jobs that you never Irishman, "nobody said it was going lady who almost severed her hus knew existed. This is a to be easy. And I didn't expect it to band's unit completely off— with a salute to the amazing peo be. If you had told me fifty years 20 lb cotton bond. I've got to make plPe with those offbeat jobs, who ago that I'd still be here, I would've sure that doesn't happen. He offers make all our lives so much easier laughed and kicked you square in to show me the results of his and more pleasant. America take the 'nads. I mean, gettin' paper recent tests. I respectfully decline. off your hats and let's hear it for cuts, it was a summer job in col Blake Erksine— SALUTE! these guys. It's just another day at lege. But it kind of grew on me." the office for: He raises his right arm to reveal a limb nearly scarred beyond Sandy Schoenling recognition. "Eight thousand cuts at last count," he laughs, "but A Street Named Desire who's counting?!" Erksine's duties focus mainly Do you ever contemplate who on ensuring that the inevitable makes sure your street names paper cut doesn't turn out much sound pleasant. Or do you take the worse. Unknown to most people, street names for granted when you some three thousand people died in take that Sunday drive down the United States alone in the early Meandering Way and turn right 20th Century due to infec tions resulting from paper rO cuts. Once the white collar ft rC boom set in, so did the paper cut epidemic. Therefore, paper is Blake Erksine actually designed to inflict an efficient cut— one that The Paper Cut Guy will heal quickly, reducing the likelihood of infection. We've all experienced that At the same time, the paper excruciating five or ten seconds of must not cut too efficiently, pain after slicing our delicate flesh or outcomes could become open on the micro-thin edge of a tragic; and with the litiga piece of paper. The skin separates tion explosion, Erksine's x&w - - efficiently, revealing layers of skin, tests become even more sinewy muscle, and sometimes meaningful. His skills, you might say, are a cut above. even blood. Yet, the cut quickly YoO KNOW , GEORGE,, ..YOU'RE NOT MUCH heals smoothly, with no scarring or "I mean, as these ?UN (ANYMORE!" permanent damage. papers get thinner and

NATIONAL LAMPOON 31 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. onto Rolling Hills Circle. Most Luckily, though, I check every street proud of, like Hawk and Scout. He people do, acknowledges Sandy name before it goes out." also helped us change the names of Schoenling, President and CEO of But even Sandy misses them characters already on the show." National Street Name Suppliers, now and then. So, next time you're Outcome: the show's rating Inc. or NS Squared as it's known in in Longview, Texas, and you're out doubled in just under a month. A "the business." at the mall, make sure you stop at job well-done. And Tom Patterson "It doesn't really hurt our feel the corner of Wetback Road and took home a hefty paycheck, in the ings that people take us for grant Gooks Everywhere Highway. high six-figures say industry insiders. ed. Actually, it's a compliment. If Sandy Schoenling—SALUTE "But he's worth it," says Peloff, people drive down a street and "I mean, he's multi-faceted. He actually notice the name, then we doesn't just do first names. He does haven't done our job. Whispering last names. Recently, he's added Penis Road would turn a lot of Tom Patterson city names and pet names to his heads, but that's not what we're in repertoire. I bet he could even help the business for." The Day Harold out with that lady looking for street In the last twenty-five years, names— if the price is right." NS Squared has emerged as the Lipshitz Moved to Town How does Tom respond to all this new-found attention. "Hey, foremost street-naming corpora Housewives the world over are tion in America. I'm just doing my job. Ten years wowed daily by those hunks of tele ago, this name thing was just a The need for companies like vision's most popular soap operas. NS Squared became readily appar hobby. Who woulda known!" Well, Cliff. Thorn. Forest. Tyrone. Tad. Tom Patterson— SALUTE! ent after the late sixties, when Their names as much as their Ail- streets were named by low-level American good looks are famous. city employees, many of whom Who's responsible? Meet Tom were just out of high school. Patterson, Hollywood's top name While most local politicians developer. It's his job to come up were worried about the war and with those romantic, rock-solid mobs of protesters, none of them names. noticed the rampant use of hallu "We've represented Tom for cinogens and marijuana , thus years," says CAA's Dick Peloff. wreaking havoc on street corners "He's the best damn Namer in the across America. "Love not War business. They make jokes about Boulevard" and "Peace, Man Circle" Schwarzenegger making $5,000, might have seemed like a good idea $10,000 a word. Well, Tom makes then, but times change. that much a letter!" So that's how Sandy Schoenling An exaggeration, according to fills her days— making sure in these Tom, but no one can argue with politically correct times that no one Tom's success record. Case in is offended by her street names. point: An unidentified producer "Like the other day, Nigger Street says of his show, "We were slipping Susan almost made it through the process. in the ratings. Our writers were really not doing our "No More Tears" Rast characters justice. Imagine, they let a guy Ever wonder why they can call named Harry Lipshitz shampoo "no more tears"— legal move to our city. We ly? Well, somebody has to make just couldn't have that sure that there really aren't any kind of name on our tears. And that somebody is soap opera. We had to Albuquerque's Susan Rast. "We used to test it on employ kill the guy within days." ees' children staying at our corpo Enter Tom rate day care center. But, I bet you Patterson. "When Tom see the legal problems that could came, we were desper come back and bite us in the ass on ate," says the producer, that one," says Susan. "And of "he gave us a list of near course, we can't use animals. Not ly fifty names for new tyow h if 'X befo*e & except qfrer C, politically correct. Nah, it's just or Xs it P? , i / / x „ hunky characters. me." Ai Names we could be Courageous, yet efficient,

32 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Susan must have the cleanest hair smokes them. Donald gets paid the stress and troubles of work in North America. And her eye $110,000 per annum to smoke home with them. I leave it all at sockets must be even cleaner. Five Ribald cigarettes eight hours a the office." days a week, eight hours a day, with day— just to show "how safe they Donald M. Robinson— two fifteen minute breaks, Susan really are." SALUTE! washes her hair, and despite the Robinson, 44, and a British cit natural instinct otherwise, opens izen until eight years ago, has been her eyes and forces the lather in— on the job for six years now. "Hell, "just to make sure." "Make sure of I didn't even smoke when they first what?" you might ask. hired me. Sure, I'd had a couple of "Make sure a guy don't cut his fags (cigarettes) in my youth, but WhoreWare™ dick off, you know, accidentally" nothing like this." He points to a "Putting your she says proudly. pile of empty cartons on the bookkeeping to bed" Susan Rast—SALUTE! ground. "Cancer. I ain't bloody 'eard of it. I been smoking 'em six years and I feel better than ever." Says Pugh, "Robinson is one of '^///fy*^'* our stand-outs. He smokes Ribalds all day long, and look at him. He's a picture of health. When he got here, he weighed 330 pounds. He was a whale. He couldn't even get Harvey Lipstein up the steps." He shows a picture of the "old" Donald. "Now he's a Accountant of the Night healthy 120 pounds, and he gets paid for it." The interactive craze has Robinson keeps to his rigorous reached monumental proportions. smoking schedule, despite over one Multimedia and computers are tak hundred personal appearances a year ing over the rigors of our daily for Ribald at medical conventions lives— all the while making things and sales meetings. "I excuse myself much easier. Donald M. Robinson for a cigarette break," he laughs. Harvey Lipstein, CPA, is jump Don't even mention retirement ing on the bandwagon. He's devel Tobacco Safety to Robinson. "Retire? Hell, I'm oped accounting and tax software the luckiest man in world. I work for prostitutes called WhoreWare™, Technician eight hours a day at a job I like— now available at computer stores then I go home to my wife and everywhere. There are two versions The recent scuttlebutt over family. Most people have to take out: One for Nevada, where prosti- second-hand smoke has spurred anti-smoking legislation nation wide and has also made quite a dent in cigarette sales. "All based on conjecture," says Roland Pugh, President & CEO of Ribald Tobacco Co., the nation's second largest cig arette manufacturer. "The safety concerns of the public are valid," says Pugh. "Of course, I would panic, too, if I read all of their studies. That's why we're doing our own studies." Meet Donald M. Robinson, Ribald's Senior Tobacco Safety Technician. "I'd say I study about 28 packs a day. On a good day, I'll do over 30," says Robinson in a thick Cockney accent. By "study" he means he

NATIONAL LAMPOON 33 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. tution is legal, and another for Address them he has, says M. Robinson was featured above states where it's illegal. "It's going Russell. (see above) as the foremost to revolutionize prostitution as we "Just tell him I'm open for Tobacco Safety Technician in his know it," says Lipstein. business. And as far as I'm con field. Now, Donald is making waves Revolutionize is just the begin cerned, whenever he's in town, he's as a top Air Sickness Bag Tester. ning, according to Kim Russell, a got plenty of credit in my books." "I test the bags, just to make luscious and lean Lady of the Night Harvey Lipstein— sure they can handle, how should I from Fort Worth, Texas. "I mean, SALUTE! put this, every possible combina Jesus Christ, buddy," she says. "My tion in a passenger's stomach. I laptop ain't just for ridin'!" She mean, having Taco Bell burritos all pulls out a brand new Macintosh over the center aisle is no way to Powerbook 560C, recently pur say Ya'll come back now (his air chased after an expensive trick. line's motto). "I used to just keep the calcula Robinson moonlights as the tions in my pocketbook— forty bag tester, consuming a variety of percent to my pimp, twenty per foods, such as spaghetti, pizza, cent to my dealer. Hell, after all bagels, and tacos. "I have to try the deductions, it seemed like I had 'em all, 'cuz you never know what nothin" left." But now, with one of these sick bastards will have WhoreWare™, Kim keeps track of eaten." her output. And after each meal, just like "With the software, I noticed clockwork, Robinson has a ciga that I was shooting up about $300 rette and "loses his lunch". It's his of smack a day, but paying out Donald M. Robinson job to make sure that the air sick $450. You just can't keep track ness bag holds whatever might be when you're flying, man." Air Sickness Bag in a passenger's diet. That requires So far this month, his is the him to eat, on average, eight meals top selling accounting software on Tester during each eight-hour shift— and the market. Lipstein is just happy then regurgitate each into a stan to help out. "I never expected it to Donald M. Robinson has a rea dard air sickness bag. be a hit. I just knew the problems son to vomit— he smokes twenty- "It's actually quite easy. After the girls that I know have, and I eight packs of cigarettes a day. You smoking the number of cigarettes I thought I could address those." might recognize his name. Donald do, I feel really nauseous. Not that smoking is bad for you. It's just that I just don't have time to eat during the day. And finally, when I do, I'm ready to blow chunks." Some scoff at the importance, or lack thereof, of Robinson's job. But he sees it differently. "Some people make fun of me. I can't tell you how many times a month I get handed Eating Disorder hand books. But, those people don't understand. They just want to belittle me. No one can ever disre gard the importance of my job. And anyone who doubts that should just think about what would happen if I ever called in well. I shudder to think about it." So do we. Donald M. Robinson— SALUTE!

survivivee d I used to be a method actor. Basically, that means you do a lot of real-life research into the character you're going to play. If you're cast as a rodeo clown, for example, you actually join a attack rodeo for a while so your por trayal will be as authentic as possible. My entire profession al training was method-orient ed (a fabulous learn-at-home course Sally Struthers turned me on to). So when I signed on to play Tonya Hardly and o fit e Lenora Babbitt in a movie, I believed I'd have to meet them in person to research the roles. It was a decision that almost cost me my life. If my story sounds like the plot of a Hollywood survival picture, well, in many ways it is— except one. Every word is true. I live a fabulous Hollywood life. Throwing parties for big- name celebritites in my home is as normal to me as taking out the trash is to you. But the truth is, I only do it for the self-promotion. It's almost always more trouble than it's worth. You have to enjoy cleaning up vomit and blood ft stains, plus celebrities tend to rip you off. One time I actually 77 saw Demi Moore stealing con doms from my nightstand. She didn't know I was trying to trick my boyfriend into having women a baby and had poked pinholes in all of them. Earlier, Demi had been telling me that if she got pregnant again, she'd kill herself. In the hope that she was serious, I let her take

NATIONAL LAMPOON 35 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. them. My point is, entertaining was just a matter of time encounter. I planned to have the rich or famous is mostly a before Kim and Alex hunted us my secretary transcribe our big chore. Sometimes I don't down, I suggested that we conversation later and put it in even show up at my own par chug as much Cuervo Gold as the script verbatim. It would ties. But that night I was on fast as we could to numb our lend the film the cinema verite the moon. I mean, it wasn't selves against the inevitable feeling I was after. Not to men just Jack, or Keanu, or Jane horror we'd face in the screen tion saving me a lot of writing and Ted dropping by. Tonight's ing room. Hugh was so grate and typing. I adjusted my cleav 1 1 guests were my idols. The two ful he said, "Julie, here's age and opened the door. •* women in the world I most umpteen million dollars. Write "Tonya, ma cherie. Wilkommen! \\ wanted to meet. And in less another movie for Showtime Bienvenu!" She blinked at me. than an hour, they'd be sitting and star in it," adding it could "Why do you talk like that? Did on my bean bag couch! I was be about anything I wanted. you have a stroke or some so excited I thought I'd pee in Well, half a bottle later, I had thing?" I covered graciously. my pants. And I did. So I went this brilliant idea. "Sorry. I just ate a jujubee. upstairs to change and I told Hugh I wanted to Please come in. I'm so thrilled 1 thought about how this magi film the life stones of Tonya to meet you." cal evening would never have Hardly and Lenora Babbitt and I offered my hand, but she / happened if I didn't know CPR. play both of them. (I could just ignored it and pushed past me, See, a few weeks before, I see myself on Oscar night, her skates scraping noisy, was at Alec and Kim's for yet clutching two Best Actress indelible slashes in the price another bad cajun barbecue. awards for the same movie!) less blue Italian marble floor. I Realizing they were about to Hugh got so excited he started couldn't help gushing, "Tonya, drag everyone into their hyperventilating and gasping I can't wait to pick your screening room for a cumpul- and then keeled over. That's brains!" She instantly assumed sory viewing of "The Getaway", when I used CPR on him. It an attack stance. "Oh yeah? I snagged a fifth of tequila saved his life, but all the com Well, I can't wait to kick your from the bar and hid in a bath motion brought the Baldwins ass!" I quickly explained it was room. I was marvelling at the pounding on the door. We pre just an expression, that I dizzying array of anti-psychot tended Hugh had a heart meant I was just anxious to ic prescriptions in Kim's medi attack and they grudgingly talk to her. She relaxed. "Let cine cabinet when I heard ter called 911, but not till after the me see the cash first." I looked rified whimpers coming from final credits had rolled on at her, confused. She rolled the shower. I flung back the "Marrying Man". I still have her eyes impatiently. "Look, I curtain to find Hugh nightmares. Even so, it was talk—I get paid. Five thousand Manoogian, President of the worth it. Because now I was bucks, or I'm double-lutzing Showtime Channel, cowering about to meet Tonya and outta here." like a baby. "No Kim, I can't Lenora in person. Not just as I was slightly taken aback, watch it! Please god, don't research subjects (serious but just smiled, pulled a fistful make me!" He wouldn't look Meryl Streep-like actress that I of thousand dollar bills from a up at me, so I slapped him am). No, they were destined to little change purse and handed hard. "Hugh, it's me, Julie become my new best friends. them over. We settled on the Brown." Incredibly relieved, he Suddenly the doorbell rang, couch and she popped open a struggled to his feet and we air shaking me from my reverie. I generic beer with her teeth. kissed. Hugh Manoogian is one bolted breathlessly downstairs. (I'd read somewhere it was her of the only network chiefs in Smoothing the folds of my vin preferred beverage and my Hollywood whose artistic opin tage poodle skirt I went to the housekeeper had scoured ion I always agree with. Ever door. Even through the peep Beverly Hills for hours to find since he told me I was a hole, I recognized that dam it). I watched her with fascina genius. I know he's sincere, aged blond hair. Tonya Hardly tion as she ripped the filter off too. It's not just because my was actually on my doorstep! I a Marlboro and lit up. I started Madonna parody for Showtime quickly turned on my pocket to lie about how good she (Medusa: Dare to be Truthful) tape recorder to capture every looked in person when she got huge ratings. Knowing it second of this momentous accidentally exhaled a cloud of

36 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. smoke right in my face. Before allergic to Nair! I try to shave for Paula Abdul's saddlebags is I could stop coughing, the it, but I get the razor burns!" nothing less than miraculous). doorbell rang again. Trying to keep the peace, I He promised, and gave me a "It's Lenora!" I gasped and quickly changed the subject. shot of something absolutely excused myself to let her in. "Tonya, bashing Nancy Kerrigan wonderful. As the sedative took Whereas Tonya was a little in the leg was so cool. Did you effect, I heard Lenora whisper rough around the edges, think of it yourself? Or was it to him, "Ju know Mr. Doctor r Lorena was delicate and fragile Jeff's idea?" She sneered at me. man, it's been so long since I as a Lalique vase. She had a "Oh, like he could plan some had a date. Most men are sweet serenity that to me, the thing that smart. I was always afraid to date me since I sepa cameras on Court TV had the brains behind the opera rated my husband from his never quite captured. I showed tion." Considering how badly joystick." her into the living room and botched the hit on Nancy was, I She planted a hot and nasty began to make introductions. was surprised by this admission. kiss on him. The last thing I Tonya grunted that they'd met "Gee," I said, "if you're that heard, before the darkness when they were on Geraldo. smart, how come you're doing closed around me, was the Determined to make Lenora hundreds of hours of commu sound of the back door flying feel equally welcome, I offered nity service?" Tonya glared at open and the paramedic her a plate of cocktail weinies me with her too-close-togeth screaming as he hurled himself and olives I'd arranged as a fun er, icy-blue eyes. "Hey, I like out of the speeding ambulance. sort of a ice-breaker. She picking up trash on the high Happily, my injuries were shrieked, pulled out a butcher way. Sure, it's hot out there more or less superficial. But knife and started hacking at and my skate blades sink into since I was in the hospital any '. them, screaming obscenites in the asphalt, but when people way, I asked Barry to give me a Spanish. Tonya wrestled the drive by, you know what they light chemical peel. He just knife away, but not before my say to me? Do you?" I shook laughed and said, "Maybe in beautiful wedgewood serving my head. "They say, We love twenty years, when you need • plate was mentally marked "for you Tonya! Go for the gold!" it." I was released just in time the Goodwill box". Then I asked her if she consid to start principal photography Lenora calmed down and ered that an option, now that on the movie, "The Attack of [ smiled as though nothing had she'd been stripped of her the 5 Ft. 2 inch Women". happened. She leaned toward national title and banned from Tonya phoned the studio, beg me and said shyly, "Ju are my skating for life. What hap ging for my forgiveness (and a favorite movie star, Julia. I pened next is a blur. All I part in the movie), but I yust loved you in the movie remember is waking up in an refused her calls and gave stu Slipping with the Enemies." ambulance with the siren dio security strict orders to Hiding my irritation, I screaming. Lenora was hold shoot on sight. Lenora called politely explained that I was ing my hand and humming so many times I finally got her Julie Brown—not Julia Roberts "Pretty Woman". I started to a pass to the set of "I Love (will people ever stop confusing sit up but a hunky paramedic Trouble" just to get rid of her. I me with her?!) Lenora nodded restrained me. "Don't move," read in Liz Smith's column she as if she understood complete- he said softly, "you've lost a lot was arrested for stalking. I ^ ly, then asked if I liked being of blood." Only later would I hope Julia's hair grows back. married to Richard Gere. learn that Tonya had beaten So much for method act Tonya laughed so hard beer me into unconsciousness with ing. I've learned my lesson. flew out of her nose. Hoping to my own bronze Degas fig Forget research. Forget even change the subject, I asked urine, (thank God it was a learning lines. From now on, Tonya what kind of man she reproduction). I'm going to do what Debra was attracted to. "I'm a sucker I reached out to the para Winger does. Sit in an air-con for a pencil-thin moustache," medic. "Please," I moaned, "if I ditioned Winnebago until they she replied, "As a matter of need plastic surgery call Dr. threaten to fire me, then when fact, Lenora's lookin' pretty Barry DeBrow. I don't want the cameras roll, just say what good right now." Lenora burst anybody else touching me." ever psychotic thing pops into into tears. "I can't help if I'm (Barry is a genius. What he did my head. £o

NATIONAL LAMPOON 37 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NAT^AL LAMPOON J5&IDE INVESTIGATION * CONTEST ^^Investigation: After O.J. Simpson was arrested, Time magazine caused quite a stir by taking artistic license and depicting O.J. on their cover with a darker than normal complexion. Time later admitted that this was, in fact, a bad idea. However, National Lampoon's inside investigator Todd Schwartz, uncovered several other cover ideas Time initially considered.

TIME's printed version Original photo Contest: O.J. Alibi As you know O.J. is looking at fourth and long, and this is no time to punt. Sure O.J. might have killed his wife and the waiter, but he eould run faster with a football than a Puerto Riean with a T.V. set and we all love him for it. We need to come up with a great alibi for a great American. If you can give O.J. an air-tight alibi in fifty words or less, you and the juice could be big winners—Lance Norris, Official Judge

Rules: • In fifty words or less, give us an air-tight alibi for O.J. the night of June 19th, 1994. • Include a list of any deep, dark secrets about your past (photos a plus) that might come up in court and discredit you as a witness. • The top five entries will be printed in National Lampoon and forwarded to the defense team. • The author of the alibi judged to be the best will win an O.J. "Framed" t-shirt • And don't forget to call our 900# to let us know what you really think and help us pay for the t-shirt. Send to: NATIONAL LAMPOON'S O.J. Alibi Contest, P.O. Box 4140, Irvine, CA 92716-9919

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"SHOULD O.J. BE JUICED?" The big question he^e isn't whether 0. J.is inocent o^guilty—we may never really knowlne full truth—the big question is what do c\ur readers think? So tell us and we will tell the world. "Should O.J. be Juiced?"

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. shame. Up sound of my body being dragged close, I could across the scaffold and thrown onto now see that the cart. Thud. It was done. The she was beau oxen started pulling away. A tactical tiful. Of problem such as this would make my course, it just situation all the more challenging. goes to show I looked down at my watch to that pretty check the seconds. Then I realized girls should be my watch was being wheeled away seen and not with my body. The bastards had he blade of the guillotine heard. But her bad luck was my good anticipated my every move. Still, cut cleanly through the luck. Propped up against her like I there were other ways. I estimated, back of my shaven neck, was, I could now survey my would-be using the position of the sun, that and immediately I felt the executioners through the slats of the somewhere in the neighborhood of pull of gravity tugging basket without straining. Chumps. I three seconds had elapsed, give or Tmy head forward. Below me, a had them right where I wanted. take. 1 still had plenty of time. bloody wicker basket, filled with the I knew I only had 15 seconds Using what little torque I had in unsmiling faces of those previously before I lost consciousness—before my neck, I spun to the left (and fallen. Indeed, I was in a tough the oxygen to my brain would be toward the edge of the scaffold) scrape. I knew that. But I had been cut-off forever. But an agile mind while simultaneously pushing in tougher ones and had made out can do a lot in that amount of time. against the brunette's head with my okay. See, my name is Nick Skoipio And who knows? I might even have tongue. The back of my head hit and tough scrapes are my business. as much as 25 or 30 seconds of con hard into the side of the basket. I The agency didn't give me "Double- sciousness. Why? My blood cells then spun back to the right and Oh!" status for nothing and it would were, how shall we say this, very repeated the process. After three take more than a decapitation in some generous in supplying oxygen to my attempts, the basket was rocking. booby-filled pais to keep me down. brain. All because of the cardiovas The guards, gloating in their sup My eyes blinked reflexively in posed triumph, failed to notice my pain as my head bounced in the bas daring moves. On the fourth try, the ket. Christ! This wasn't helping my basket tumbled over, sending a wave hangover one damn bit. See, it was of severed heads onto the blood just the night before that the federales- thirsty crowd. had busted into my room right as I "Cabezas, cabezasV they was putting the finishing touches on a screamed as they were pelted by the bottle of tequila. I was drowning my bloody heads of accused spies and sorrows over a lovely senorita, a girl I traitors. This was exactly what I had met earlier at the exposition del wanted. /Viva la Nick! Ha! The burro show. I told her that I loved Skorp thrives on chaos. her and I thought she felt the same. Still, I wasn't in the clear yet. I But I was wrong. She left and imme knew the devastation that would diately informed to the feds. So there befall me if I landed among the stam I was, the mighty Skorp, drunk and cular fitness brought on by my rigor peding feet of the panicked crowd. stupid over a girl, sitting in the dark ous workout schedule. I knew those That was a fate I was certainly in no with a radio transmitter and a direct long hours spent busting my ass mood to meet. Falling with the rest hook-up to Uncle Sam. But isn't that competing in Ironman competitions of the heads, I extended my tongue the way it always is? They tell you to would pay big dividends. as far out of my mouth as possible never lose your head over a sweet Yeah, they thought they had me. and caught a nail poking from the young thing and the next thing you The two guards at the plaza gates scaffold. I rotated around the nail, know, you're getting slam-dunked were big guys but I've seen bigger. I using my tongue as an axle, gaining into a wicker basket. knew that if I surprised them, I'd momentum with each rotation, utiliz Or maybe I'm just unlucky. have more than a chance. The hood ing the gymnastic skills I had gained One bounce, two bounces. ed executioner—a paper tiger if while training for the '76 Olympics. Finally, I came to a stop, propped there ever was one. A crowd of Three turns around the nail and then neatly upright against another head. spectators—all chump change. I saw the executioner's hooded mug. I glanced over. It was the brunette to But my first objective was to I let go and flew through the air, whom I had spoken with briefly on make my way back to my body. striking him with a mighty head-butt. the carro de la muerte. It seems that Then, and only then, would I have a I knew I hit him good; and she had dared to speak out against el fighting chance. This would take before rebounding, I clamped my Generalisimo, and hence had been some doing, though, especially now, mouth shut on his nose. He began sentenced to die. It was a damn as my sensitive hearing picked up the thrashing about, swinging me to and

fro like a cat in a hot tin dryer. I was ated on the scaffold. Tv/o men were ability to recognize the tiny details being pummeled and I felt my nose dead, a guard in shock, and the that spell trouble. The mob num break, but by this time I felt no pain. crazed crowd was running pell-mell bered in the thousands but I remem The adrenaline was kicking in. I like disturbed ants. It was a surreal bered this boy in particular because held firmly with my teeth on his sight, and truthfully, I felt bad about of the matted sleep in his lashes. He bloody, twisted schnaz. Soon, the what happened. I didn't want to do obviously was awakened in a hurry mask tore from his face. "Damn, it, but I guess that's the nature of my and did not have time to wash his you're one ugly guy," I quipped. business. Kill or be killed. I only face. But why? What did he want? Using the executioner's eyes as reflected on this for a millisecond, This being a struggling Third World mirrors, I saw the two guards at the though. Introspection is not my forte country, and the boy being a poor gates rushing the scaffold. They and there were more pressing mat peasant, I suspected he wanted to leaped up with machetes drawn. ters. Checking the sun again I esti catch me and collect the monstrous Now, by virtue of my acute peripher mated that seven seconds had bounty on my head. He must have al vision, I waited for the glint of elapsed. I was still feeling strong, but known that I was Nick Skorpio and steel. It came, first from one guard, for how long? I had to act quickly. would somehow engineer a dramatic then the other. I immediately People will talk of luck, and escape. I feared the worst, having no released my grip from the execution Lady Luck had certainly been smil motor mechanism to elude his grasp. er's nose. The first machete passed ing on me up to this point. But when I closed my eyes and "played dead". over my head and imbedded itself I speak of luck, I'm actually referring I was surprised by his actions, firmly in the skull of the executioner. however. Instead of making off with "Thanks for the trim," I said. I hit my head and delivering it to el the scaffold with a thud, landing at Generalisimo, he simply grabbed the the feet of the first guard. The sec earring out of my left ear and began to ond guard, trying to redirect the tug. I opened my eyes and mustered swing of his blade to strike me a all my strength to whimper, this being mortal blow, split the first guard difficult—my wind-pipe and vocal from breastbone to groin. I laughed cords were traveling away with my at their ineptitude. The first guard body some one-hundred yards down jerked his legs forward spasmodical the road.. "Am/go," I said. "Necesito ly as his insides spilled out from his ayuda." I then asked him in his native fissured body. He kicked hard and I Central American Indian dialect if he went flying through the air. "Mess could help me get to my body. with the Skorpio, you're gonna get to the percentages, the mathematical He laughed, "Si, senor" which I stung!" I shouted back. odds that something will occur. knew meant, "Yes, sir." He asked, While airborne, I surveyed the Having obtained a doctorate in "•GLe gusta fiitboll" Suddenly, I felt carnage I had cre mathematical quantum myself lifted high in the air and mechanics at MIT, I could hurled some twenty feet down the say that I knew a little more road in a southerly trajectory. I knew than your average chump on the direction due to my being hit by the street about luck. So bird droppings from a flock of geese you can imagine my sur heading south for the winter. prise when I landed into a I saw the dry, cracked ground pile of hay on the back of a approaching quickly. Great, I thought. farmer's cart. The chance The indomitable Skorp is going to of this happening were meet his end as ant food. Suddenly, I astronomical. "Glad to felt a jolt. And then another. And see you," I said to the another. I felt myself bouncing up and startled campesino dri down three to four feet off the ground. ving the mules. I swear I would have vomited had my But then, I met torso still been attached. another bit of trouble. After a moment, I realized I was A young boy, who had being knee-juggled by a ten-year-old been eyeing me since kid down the dusty street. Lucky me, my tumble off the I found myself beheaded in one of the scaffold, scurried world's leading soccer nations, and toward me. As a now some punk Diego Pele Bebeto spy, the difference was practicing his skills on The between the quick Skoip. Fortunately, we were heading and the dead, the toward the cart that held my body. players and the chumps, is the Good thing, too. I suspected that we

42 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 43 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. were nearing the 15-second mark. macing at the apogee of the bounce, I retrieving me. They had figured that It looked as though we would changed the aerodynamics of my I was dead the moment I had left the make it there. But, I had alternative face, thus redirecting the airflow scaffold. Chumps. Never under plans anyway. If I did not make it to causing me to whirl off into the carl. estimate Nick Skorpio. my body, I would pay the boy to jug There were numerous headless bod I came out from hiding and gle me to the Costa Rican border, ies in the cart, but fortunately I land finally found myself perched near where American intelligence opera ed near mine; except that I was posi my neck. I positioned my head so tives would rescue me. There, I that it lay on top of my severed body, would call a doctor friend I knew, Dr. giving me the opportunity to take a Ted, who at one time was considered few well-earned breaths with my the top neuro-vascular mammalogist lungs. The oxygen was invigorating in all the Southern hemisphere. He and I felt like a new man. But until I owed me a favor from a long ways reconnected my head to my body, I back, a time when I saved his ass couldn't feel comfortable. from a situation involving a Lotus, a Using my tongue, I pulled a pen bottle of rum, and the Haitian dicta knife and some sutures from the out tor's fifteen-year-old daughter. side pocket of my tuxedo. I left them Despite his debilitating prescription on my chest. From the inside pocket, drug problem, I knew he could fix I then pulled out my smokes. Lucky me up. But it looked like it wouldn't Strikes, unfiltered. With a little be necessary. This kid was a jug effort - the saliva from my tongue gling fool and we were rapidly catch tioned at my feet instead of my neck. kept putting out the match - I lit one ing up with my body. A minor inconvenience. I knew I up and took a drag. Things were But now I saw trouble. Armed was on the home stretch, if I could looking up. soldiers were following us, members only avoid tangling with the Despotic It was tough, but I swallowed of the Generalisimo's Elite Despotic Guard for a few more moments. my tongue, so that it protruded from Guard. Unrivaled in their cruelty The soldiers were gaining. I the bottom of my severed head. I and disregard for life, I had experi used every bump and pothole in the dragged my head in position over my enced many run-ins with them in the street to my advantage. As the car body. Still using my tongue, I recon past, during which I had always hit a hole, I would use the force to nected first the life-giving arteries managed to get the better of them. inch my way toward the top of my flowing to my brains. Just in time, I They had a chip on their shoulder, body. But it looked to be too late. thought. Next, through the large and that chip's name was Nick The soldiers were on me. I hunkered opening in my neck left by the guil Skorpio. I should have known that down and once again "played dead" lotine blade, I re-attached less-vital they would never rest until they were To my amazement, they never veins and nerves, suturing with my sure I was actually dead. That the even looked in the cart for me. What tongue, until I re-gained used of my Despotic Guard had slipped my mind was their plan, I thought. Later I arms and hands. From there it was a disturbed me greatly. Maybe the found that they were late for a cock piece of cake. I was out of the coun lack of oxygen had made me forget fight. They had no intention of try and back in the good ol' U.S. of but every agent's fear is A in twenty-four hours. to spend too much time in That evening, I the field and lose one's walked through the door edge. First the girl in the of my suburban home. hotel and now this. Had The little lady was there the peerless Skorp suc with Nick, Jr., Little cumbed to complacency? Skoip, I like to call him. I don't know, but they "Where have you been, came anyway, some fif Mr. Secret Agent?" she teen to twenty, though it asked. She kissed me was hard to see with that and put Nick, Jr. in my little bastard bouncing me arms. "You've been up and down so fast. I gone long enough. Now, knew I had to get to my I'm going out for a body quickly if I was to while." have even a half-ass She then left, leaving chance to survive. me standing there with "I get off here," I gur Little Skorp burping up gled as we passed the cart strained carrots on my with my body. Sticking tuxedo jacket. I felt like my tongue out and gri if- you cwrnNp rntGRAiu a chump. gta

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 46 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Suicide Notes—to be or not to be... Fnouah is enough I've had it with the thumb-sucking, the bed-wetting the constant crying

and pizza. Tell him Uncle Dick will be there and I won't be coming back for a long, long time. — Marilyn Quayle

'"Pe^e. Women and mmorZ^^

— Rush Limbaugh

Feeling kind of bored; got nothin'to do. Use to have something to do; use to have a pretty important job. Gotta get this suicide thing workin'; gotta make it work. Feel bad for Barbs though, been like a mother to me. Never thought I'd be the one to go first. Still can't talk in complete sentences; don'have to worry about that now. Anyway, gotta get goin'; made up my mind.' — George Bush

^ry, you mme the uJ^ptaSZTA^'^Zf^^ — Ross Perot

Scatter my ashes over the most beautiful stretch of land in this goddamn country. Dump me in the most pristine body of water you can find. Just don't make me sit through another meeting with one of those environment nuts. Thanks. — AlGore

0.3!s To Do List

i. Buy knife s. Lunch as Mezzeluna/Call A.C. 10. Set burglar alarm on house 3. Make reservations for Chicago trip 4. Call airport limo 1 la.Return videotape (Rewind!) 5. Kill children's mother 12. Get passport/Go to bank 6. Inflict grievous bodily wounds on waiter 13 Call Bob S./De-brief Kato who gave bad service 14 Destroy Best Friend's Life ?. Tell Kato to feed dog/turn off Jacuzzi 15 Write suicide note 8. Go to Mcdonald's 16 Threaten suicide 8a. Cut finger 17 CommEulgRte tu rubaSn^aignlty 9. Drop glove 18 Practice holding breath

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NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Man seriously injured during Career News: attack by cows THE ASSOCIATED PRESS LONDON — Paramedics rescued How Great Candidates a man mauled by a herd of cows. John Hine, 55, was crossing a field while walking his two golden retriev Blow Job Interviews ers on Sunday near Tetsworth, about 40 miles northwest of London, when the Jersey cows spotted him. Dusza-Lott The cows knocked him to the ground, breaking his leg and badly Announcing the engagement bruising his chest, according to John and forthcoming marriage of Willis of the ambulance service that Amy J. Dusza. M.D.. to James took Hine to a hospital in Oxford, Howard Lott m «« - where he was reported in serious but stable condition. Bass-Herring Jennifer Hine was unable to move after he Bass and was knocked down, and called for Bret Herring help on his cellular phone. His dogs '{ were married barked to help paramedics locate 5 Saturday in their master in the boggy, secluded Trinity Lu- spot. t h e r a n "There were calves in the field, so I •J Church, think the cows were being protec tive," Willis said. '*im*ion

Chesty Love, a well-known against us everywhere we turn." stripper, and her husband, She claimed a $2,088 deduc A bank robber making a Reginald R. Hess, have been tion in 1988 for depreciation on getaway shoved a $1 bill into a allowed by a tax judge to depre the surgical implants to enlarge Salvation Army kettle. ciate surgical implants that her bust size to 56FF. "Probably heard our kettles greatly enlarged her breasts. The Special Trial Judge, Joan were down by 20%," said "It's simply a stage prop we Pate, ruled that the implants George Church, a Salvation are carrying around to make increased Hess' income and that Army commander. money," Cynthia Hess said of her the breasts, at 10 pounds each, The FBI confiscated the ket implants. "I'm happy for me and were so big and bulky that she tle, dusted every bill for finger a lot of other girls in show busi couldn't derive personal benefit prints, and arrested the suspect ness. The tax laws have been used from them. LA Times. hours later. LA Times.

52 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. Frederick Frank Ebena unsuccessful attempts] murdered his girlfriend with a at suicide by leapinj shotgun and then sued her from a fourth story window. estate for his portion of the "In his first attempt community property. Ebenal Saturday morning, the man had failed to correctly complete the says that he is the common-law to take a running leap because Publisher's Clearing House husband of Peggy Jones and those windows don't open," entry form that she had should be entitled to his fair Police Capt. Emil Palombo said. received in the mail. share of the proceeds. The man dove through a After her husband Luther placed a subscription sticker for Ebenal was convicted of double-panel window, landing Playboy in the box designated murdering Ms. Jones with a on a car, buckling the roof and for a Mercedes, Mrs. Jackson door and smashing its rear win "short range shotgun blast to announced that "she had had dows. her face," according to San enough" and retrieved the Angelo court records. Although dazed and bleed weapon. Mr. Jackson ran into The convicted murderer is ing from a facial cuts, the man the bathroom and held the door seeking $15,000 in damages for got up and walked to the build shut. being denied what he says is ing's elevator, a witness told Mrs. Jackson place the bar rightfully his: One-fourth to police. rel of the weapon against the one-third of Ms. Jones' estate, Palombo said police believed the man suffered his door at about 6' and pulled the valued at $18,000. trigger, grazing her husband. According to a Texas law, a most serious injuries in the sec He did not press charges person named in a will can't ond fall, when the car no longer absorbed the impact. after police were called to the inherit from the deceased if he scene. is convicted of the murder. Palombo said, "People who However, due to glitch in the make suicide attempts often try law, a common-law spouse may again... but not in the time span of two minutes." A fourteen-year-old boy be able to inherit if the victim missed his first day in the tenth didn't leave a will. AP. grade to go to court to fight for the custody of his baby, telling a judge he want to raise his A group of Colombian soc Tom Winfrey of Hillsboro, daughter Mike a father should.' cer fans became a bit angry Missouri, robbed a tavern's The baby is in the custody after Colombia's top player on patrons at gunpoint, but once of the boy's ex-wife, Wendy their World Cup team, Andres outside, couldn't find his car Chappell Warden, seventeen. Escobar, accidentally caused a keys. She testified that the boy, Hal ball to bounce off his foot and He stripped down and re Warden, 'behaved like a ten- into the Colombian goal in a entered the bar. Winfrey dis year-old when we were married.' game against the United States. guised his voice, claiming to The group of gunmen shot also be a robbery victim and Escobar twelve times after he asking for help. Send your TRUE FACTS dined at a Medellin restaurant. He continued his charade in, by Quick Mail, to: One gunman said, "Thanks for when police arrive as the people the autogoal," before pumping in the bar identified him as the Escobar full of bullets. After culprit. Willie Harper each of twelve shots, the group True Facts Editor of assailants shouted "goal." NATIONAL LAMPOON LA Times. DCG Tenequa Jackson of Los 10850 Wilshirc Blvd. Angeles pulled a .38 caliber pis Los Angeles, CA 90024 A 30-year-old man in tol from a drawer and shot her Kenmore, New York, made two husband in the head after he

They're strange, they're weird, ACT OF REVENGE: Ate some of strange reason, Aimee Arnez, Jr. they get naked in your bathroom. his food. demanded the rent to be paid three They're YOUR ROOMMATES! END RESULTS The mention of his days in advance. Those crazy people who invade your personal space, but who are name creates a cringing Pavlovian ACT OF REVENGE: I began a per good to have around when you effect that makes me go, "Eeeuuu." sonal assault which involved loud, don't want to buy your own sham late-night noise. Also, I ate some of poo and milk. My personal research their food. has lead me to believe that one out NAMES: Matt Arnez, Jr. and Susanna Arnez, Jr. END RESULT: Our last conversa of every three roommates are the tion involved an argument. "nice guy" roommate who rein DURATION: 5 months. vents himself as "Anal Retentive OCCUPATION: Catering. Man", the modern day crimefighter NAMES: Brendan Arnez, Jr. and who wards off his foes with a sin SLOB OR NEAT FREAK: Neat Laurie Arnez, Jr. gle cleaning chart freaks. At one point, a rule was DURATION: 3 weeks. The following is a brief cate enforced about rinsing out the bath gorical list of roommates I've dealt tub after taking a shower. OCCUPATIONS: Unemployed yet with. I've changed their last WEIRD QUIRKS: Obsessive about; never seemed to worry about money. names to "Arnez, Jr."—I'm a big the arrangement of cans on their SLOBS OR NEAT FREAKS: Slobs. fan of Desi Arnez, Jr.—in order to food shelf. The apartment started having a protect the innocent. TENSION TURNING POINT: A strange odor shortly after they NAME: Ted Arnez, Jr. friend of mine used Matt Arnez, Jr's moved in. DURATION: 6 months towel. He didn't speak to me for WEIRD QUIRKS: They never left three days. the apartment and sat around all day OCCUPATION: Some blue collar drinking tequila. job, which I wasn't quite sure of. ACT OF REVENGE: Ate some of their food. TENSION TURNING POINT: It's a SLOB OR NEAT FREAK: Slob complete mistake living with a cou Left toe nail clippings on coffee table. END RESULT: Friend with both before. Only friends with Matt ple, especially when you're the odd WEIRD QUIRKS: Showed me Arnez, Jr. afterwards. man out. It's no fun having a nude photos of his old girlfriend on romantic dinner going on when you the first day I met him. Also, com want to watch TV or seeing a make- pulsively talked about how much he out session going on when you want likes to "party." NAMES: Aimee Arnez, Jr., Cari an English muffin. Also, on more Arnez, Jr. and Kathy Arnez, Jr. than one occasion, Laurie Arnez, Jr. TENSION TURNING POINT: Had referred to herself as a "slacker." a friend, and his dog stayed over for DURATION: 3 months. five days. OCCUPATIONS: College students. ACT OF REVENGE: Ate their food. This was their first END RESULT: They moved out in apartment after living the middle of the night, without in the dorms—a mis leaving a note or saying goodbye or take equivalent to the getting their $850 deposit back. Vietnam War. SLOB OR NEAT FREAK: Neat freaks NAMES: Nijana Arnez, Jr. and to the tenth power. Raphael Arnez, Jr. My newspapers were DURATION: 4 months. always left by my door. OCCUPATIONS: Liquor store clerk |W(i\N WEIRD QUIRKS: and receptionist. Many, many notes left SLOBS OR NEAT FREAKS: Slobs. on the refrigerator door, Nijana Arnez, Jr. was from "l+'S O.K.j Off.ceG Xm a for every occasion. Yugoslavia and would always cook Way do ai'lu-fchin^ please." TENSION TURNING some strange smelling food, then POINT: For some leave it sitting out for days.

NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. tidies Roommates by Harmon Leon WEIRD QUIRKS: Would laugh 4. Make up weird rules and clean Yee-ha!" or "I'm a bad, bad uproariously at "America's Funniest ing charts, clown! You must now make a Home Videos." Rules about the use of lights, balloon animal!" It's even more showers, cooking, etc. The effective if you are alone. TENSION TURNING POINTS They more illogical, the better. Ask ate MY food. 12. Push religion on them. for rent to be paid in German The more obscure, the better. ACT OF REVENGE: Began a com Deutsche Marks! Make up pun Leave pamphlets around. Speak plete boycott, which featured not ishments for roommates who in tongues. Quote from the Bible. leaving phone messages, refusal to don't follow the cleaning chart! In the next issue of National take out the trash and a parade of 5. Be loud. Lampoon, I, Harmon Leon, will loud friends late at night. But here's the twist—not late at journey into the world of roommate Unfortunately, their food smelted night, but early in the morning. searching. I will answer ads in the strange, so I didn't care to eat it. Sing. Clank things. Have a paper for "Roommate Wanted," and END RESULT! A nasty not match loud phone conversation. attempt to be some lucky person's and nonverbal communication. 6. Leave poor phone messages. perspective roommate using the fol Be really vague, or simply don't lowing guidelines: leave any. Tell people that your 1) I will show a strong interest in roommate is dead. martial arts through a brief NAME: David Arnez, Jr. 7. Talk to yourself out loud. demonstration. We all talk to ourselves, but in 2) I will be accompanied by a DURATION: 3 months. this case have actual conversa handpuppet named "Squeaky." OCCUPATION: Something to do tions which involve delayed, 3) I'll show early symptoms of with newspaper delivery. surprise responses. Terret Syndrome. 4) I must have a brief argument SLOB OR NEAT FREAK: Slob in 8. Drink in the afternoon. We all know it's unhealthy to during the encounter. some areas, while neat freak in others. 5) I must make racial slurs. Kind of a "surf and turf situation. drink in the afternoon. But for one week, WEIRD QUIRKS: Would always be down a quart of Jim home. Would shut himself in his Beam at 2:00 in the room and only come out to use the afternoon. Don't ever bathroom. bother using a glass. TENSION TURNING POINT: One 9. Take up strange hob time I got mad at him and he won't bies. come out of his room. If it requires an ACT OF REVENGE: unusual costume, that's all the better! END RESULT 10. Nuditv. Through scientific and tested Yes, general naked research, I've devised ten sure-fire ness around the methods in order to make your apartment is bound roommate flip their respective wigs. to get old fast. Cook 1. Leave pubic hair on the soap. an omelet with our If not by accident, keep a stock pants down to your pile. ankles. Or simply walk from room to 2. Leave the cap off of things. room when guests Jellies, buttertubs, toothpaste— are over. very subtle, but very effective. 11. Loud sex. 3. Have friendsslee p over on the Not just simple couch. moans and groans, This is a perfect roommate irri but shouts involving tant! This prevents them from motifs. Example: using their own living room. "Ride 'em cowboy!

900 MHz breakthrough! New technology launches wireless speaker revolution... Recoton develops breakthrough technology which transmits stereo sound through walls, ceilings and floors up to 150 feet.

Breakthrough wireless speaker design By Charles Anton blankets your home with music.

f you had to name just Crisp sound throughout your tuning guarantees optimum reception and one new product "the home. Just imagine being able to eliminates drift. The new technology provides I most innovative of the listen to your stereo, TV, VCR or CD static-free, interference-free sound in virtual year," what would you player in any room of your home with ly any environment. These speakers are also choose? Well, at the recent International out having to run miles of speaker wire. self-amplified; they can't be blown out no mat Consumer Electronics Show, critics gave Recoton's Plus, you'll never have to worry about range ter what your stereo's wattage. new wireless stereo speaker system the Design because the new 900 MHz technology allows Stereo or hi-fi, you decide. These speak and Engineering Award stereo signals to travel ers have the option of either stereo or hi-fi for being the "most in over distances of 150 feet sound. You can use two speakers, one set on novative and outstand 150 foot range through walls! or more through walls, right channel and the other on left, for full ing new product." Recoton gives you the freedom to lis ceilings and floors with stereo separation. Or, if you just want an ex Recoton was able to ten to music wherever you want. Your out losing sound quality. music is no longer limited to the room your tra speaker in another room, set it on mono and introduce this whole stereo is in. With the wireless headphones One transmitter, un listen to both channels new generation of you can listen to your TV, stereo or CD limited receivers. The on one speaker. Mono powerful wireless player while you move freely between powerful transmitter combines both left and speakers due to the ad rooms, exercise or do other activities. And plugs into a headphone, right channels for hi-fi vent of 900 MHz tech unlike infrared headphones, you don't have audio-out or tape-out jack sound. This option lets nology. This newly to be in a line-of-sight with the transmit on your stereo or TV com you put a pair of speak approved breakthrough ter, giving you a full 150 foot range. enables Recoton's wire The headphones and speakers have ponent, transmitting mu ers in the den and get less speakers to rival the their own built-in receiver, so no wires are sic wirelessly to your full stereo separation or needed between you and your stereo. One sound of expensive speakers or headphones. put one speaker in the These wireless stereo transmitter operates an unlimited number The speakers plug into an kitchen and get com- headphones have a wired speakers. of speakers and headphones. Recently approved outlet. The one transmit plete hi-fi sound. built-in receiver. ter can broadcast to an un technology. In June Factory direct savings. Our commitment limited number of stereo of 1989, the Federal to quality and factory direct pricing allows us Communications Com L? It-' 3 speakers and headphones. to sell more wireless speakers than anyone! mission allocated a And since each speaker For this reason, you can get these speakers far band of radio frequen contains its own built in below retail with our 30 day "Dare to Compare" A # cies stretching from 902 \l '. receiver/amplifier, there money-back guarantee and full one year man to 928 MHz for wireless, are no wires running from ufacturer's warranty. For a limited time, the in-home product ap Recoton's transmitter sends music through walls the stereo to the speakers. Recoton transmitter is only $69. It will operate plications. Recoton, one to wireless speakers over a 75,000 square foot area Full dynamic range. an unlimited number of wireless speakers of the world's leading wireless speaker man The speaker, mounted in priced at $89 and wireless headphones at $59 ufacturers, took advantage of the FCC ruling a bookshelf-sized acoustically constructed cab each. Your order will be processed in 72 hours by creating and introducing a new speaker inet, provides a two-way bass reflex design and shipped UPS. system that utilizes the recently approved fre for individual bass boost control. Full dynamic quency band to transmit clearer, stronger range is achieved by the use of a 2" tweeter Recoton Transmitter (you must have a transmitter stereo signals throughout your home. and 4" woofer. Plus, automatic digital lock-in to operate speakers and headphones) $69 $7S&H Wireless products compatible with the Recoton transmitter: Recoton Wireless Speaker $89 $9S&H AWARD WINNING WIRELESS SPEAKER Recoton Wireless Headphones $69 $6SSH

Don't take our word for it. Try it yourself. Please mention promotional code 165-AB1101. We're so sure you'll love the new award-winning For fastest service call toll-free 24 hours a day Recoton wireless speaker system that we offer you the Dare to Compare Speaker Challenge. Compare Recoton's rich sound quality to that of 800-992-2966 Individual left, right any $200 wired speaker. If you're not completely b mono switch and convinced that these wireless speakers offer the To order by mail send check or money order for the total Individual bass boost same outstanding control(on back) amount including S&H (VA residents add 4.5% sales tax). sound quality as wired Or charge it to your credit card by enclosing your account Size: 9"H x 6"W x 5.5"L speakers, simply return number and expiration date. Send to: Signal-to-noise ratio: 60 dB them within 30 days for Channel Separation: 30 ( a full "No Questions Txoo-way bass reflex design SOUTRJID Asked1' refund. W watts/channel RMS amps INDUSTRIES Frequency Response: Recoton's Design and use of wires 50Hz-15KHz 2820 Waterford Lake Drive Suite 106 Engineering Aivard Midlothian, Virginia 23113

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