the alternative Fringe magazine

FringepiIssue One

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N review of anythin whatsoever AW Fring-base satir & sarcas Cartoon! Storie! Stuff yo shoul se!

the alternative Edinburgh Fringe magazine Welcome to Fringepig FringepiIssue One Once a mere website, we’re now hard copy. We are tangible. Holdable. Huggable. Browsable.

FREE! Trouserable. Approachable and roachable (better not actually, it’s coated gloss). Fringepig will be very different to the other publications you see lying around in August. We hope you’ll actually N review of anythin whatsoever want to read this one, and not just because we’ve sent Fring-base satir & sarcas some spotty plonker to review you. Because we won’t Cartoon! Storie! Stuff yo shoul se! have sent some spotty plonker to review you. No! We Publisher won’t review anything – except of course the occasional MISTER KIPPER comedy reviewer. Managing Editor Our only policy is to never tell anyone that they’re LIAM MULLONE bad at making art. We will, however, be celebrating [email protected] everything we love about Fringe comedy and theatre Designer and while yelling like a big paper drunk at the people who Production Editor run Edinburgh, the Fringe, and this one irrecoverable ALEX MUSSON month of our short lives, so hilariously badly. www.mustardweb.org Writers But we can’t do it alone. So if you want to contribute ED ACZEL to, or advertise in, a rag that’s all about enjoying the YIANNI AGISILAOU chaos and experimentation of the Fringe rather than DAVID BUSSELL STEFAN EMILJANOWICZ doorstepping award winners and releasing clouds of ROBIN INCE farty critique, then we are so for you. Come on in. LEO KEARSE MICHAEL LEGGE HALEY MCGEE A. K. Kipper fringepig.co.uk REBECCA PERRY PUBLISHER FRINGEPIG, FRINGEPIG.CO.UK AND ALL ASSOCIATED CHRISTIAN TALBOT PRODUCTS ARE OWNED BY KIPPER PUBLISHING LIMITED Artists ROBBIE BONHAM FIND US AT THESE LOVELY VENUES: SIMON COOPER (‘SC’) SIMON COXALL (‘SX’) PAUL SAVAGE BECKY WALKER ANDREW WAUGH Ad Sales PAUL SAVAGE [email protected]

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 3 4 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE Christian Talbot is performing “C60” at the Underbelly, Med Quad at 5.50pm every day I„’ Mordor ou„ ther

by Stefan Emiljanowicz

Good morning, ladies and The motorway closely gentlemen! We’re just follows the route of the waiting for Mrs Pertwee original road as used by to use the bathroom… My Bilbo Baggins and by name’s Brenda and I’ll be sunset we hope to be at the your guide on Middle Earth Weathertop Inn; a four star Coach Tours, ably assisted hotel with TV programmes by Almarond your driver. in Elven, Dwarfish and and a full Elven breakfast is no requirement that you Yes, Almarond is of Elven Language of Men. There is will be served on board spend the journey shut in a stock. He’s been with us for also wifi in reception. Where (mutton or veggie option). barrel, ha ha! Little altered four years now, and hasn’t is that Mrs Pertwee? Then the funicular railway since Bilbo Baggins’ day, crashed once! His ancestors Next day it’s onto will take us to the Misty the Lonely Mountain is an knew these lands well so we Rivendell. There, guests will Mountain Adventure extinct volcano rising to won’t get lost! be treated to a traditional Lodge. Attractions at Misty 9000 feet above sea level. Those of you who flew Elven welcome including Mountain Village include After a visit to Smaug’s into Shire International last a Banquet Under the apres ski, a number of cavern you’ll want to browse night from Manchester: your Stars (inside if raining). bars, fast food outlets and a the beautiful jewellery luggage has been located. It This will be followed by traditional Dwarvish Tavern boutiques run by the Thorin was accidentally transferred traditional Elven dancing complete with an authentic Oakenshield Mining and to Mordor but it will catch and ‘Galadriel’ Queen of Dwarvish horn quartet. Casino Corp. up with us at Weathertop. Right, where has the old Sorry about that! dear got to? Mrs Pertwee? A note of caution ladies If you wish to foresee your … Helm’s Deep suffers from and gentlemen. In the air pollution in the summer unikely event that the coach future, please let me know as months, so we’ll pass it by in is beseiged by wargs, orcs, “there are limited places. favour of Minas Tirith. The goblins, trolls or river trolls Minas Morgul Hilton is the please, stay inside the coach. best in the region and there’s Don’t worry: they’re quite a children’s clubhouse where used to people these days the Forest will look into the We’ll be leaving very one of the last remaining TM ” but their natural curiosity Magic Well of Rivendell early as we must be down Ents, on loan from the can get the better of them. and tell the fortunes of those at the Goblin Gate before Isengard Cultural Trust, will This has been designated who dare to know! If you 10 O’clock! Due to logging regale them with stories of a non-smoking tour for wish to foresee your future operations, much of the impenetrable forests that your comfort and safety, so then please let me know by Mirkwood has now been once stood to the east. those who wish to try the lunchtime tomorrow as there cleared and the recent Ah, there you are Mrs traditional pipe weed should are limited places. Viewings discovery of oil has meant Pertwee… where have you do so only in designated last five minutes and cost that the Elven King’s halls been dear? What? Hobbits? areas on our official stops. £40 per person. Young had to be pulled down to Little sods, they’re a bloody We’ll be stopping for – and the young at heart! - make way for a refinery. nuisance. Right, are we all lunch at the Prancing Pony might want to take a stroll However there is a spider set? There’s a waterproof in Bree, one of a chain of down to ‘Elronds’ in town farm near the golf course at bag in your seat pocket licensed eateries and built but please keep an eye on the old enchanted river, and should anyone feel sick. near the site of the original your belongings: a downturn a superb gift shop. Now let’s take a moment Inn in which Frodo and his in the Mirkwood economy Next day we head to Lake to thank our lucky stars that companions met Aragorn. has seen many Wood Elves Town (pop. 550,000). The the Dark Lord Sauron didn’t The Inn does a good range coming into Rivendell journey will take six hours prevail all those years ago! of Olde Middle Earth pubbe looking for employment. aboard an authentic old Imagine that, ladies and grubbe including mutton We’ll be boarding the Middle Earth steamboat. gentlemen! What would the and coney in a basket with Misty Mountain Express Don’t worry ladies and world be like eh? french fries and coleslaw. first thing in the morning gentlemen, these days there

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 5 Cultur’ vulture Holyrood has turned down City Hall and the big ‘cultural’ venues on their request for a tourist tax. But they’ll be back to pump the little guy next year

Over the course of a year and 12 major festivals, 4.3 million geese fly north to Edinburgh and lay an enormous golden egg worth £261m to the local SX economy. The Fringe, which began as the ugly stepsister to its firstborn the Edinburgh International Festival A life-enriching whisked back to 2001 where better (EIF) contributes a staggering £142m public spending decisions could be or 54% of this amount. but wallet-draining made, saving £200m and rendering Apparently, this is not enough. City this entire question moot. I could go and Festival officials anticipate an “experience. and watch Daniel Kitson MC Late impending £10m shortfall in Festival and Live again too. I may not know finances this year. Julia Armour, the culture, but I know what I like. new director of Festivals Edinburgh, tourists and artists who descend on There is an unspoken dictum recently proposed a ‘bed tax’ of one or the city from all corners” of this wide that Edinburgh’s festivals are ‘too two pounds per night in hotel rooms blue marble. Aside from the usual important to fail’ and any of them or a broader ‘tourism levy’ to help fill bit of stoic grumbling, people quite shrinking would be a national tragedy. this gap - with revenues ringfenced happily pay for what is a genuine I respectfully disagree. Tourists speak solely for ‘cultural’ activities (i.e. not bucket-list experience. with their feet and their wallets. Why the lowly Fringe). Holyrood said no in Ticket sales yell loud and clear should they pay more to subsidise June, but they’ve been trying for eight that Edinburgh’s tourists come shows they didn’t come to see? That’s years and will try again. disproportionately for the Fringe why I’m performing my shows at the Speaking as one of the geese, I over and above the other 11 festivals. , where audience get in for find this problematic. Everyone The Fringe, though broad in scope, is nothing and at the end pay what they in Edinburgh during August is populated predominantly by comedy think it was worth. overwhelmed by the sheer flood of and theatre. There are many other viable humanity that attends shows, eats at Public funding, whether through options. Much of the £261m of festival restaurants and then trickles back to city grants, arts council or lottery revenue makes its way back to the hotels or rented rooms at 5am after funding goes disproportionately Scottish Government via devolved taking full advantage of the extended to the other, less profitable, more taxes. Surely a fairer way would be licensing laws. ‘prestigious’ festivals. Funding flows to lobby Holyrood to ringfence a In much the same way that 2008 mainly to Edinburgh Cultural Venues proportion of tax flowing from the saw many of us thinking “These banks (ECV), principally associated with the 4.3m long-suffering souls pouring are worth billions; I shop at LIDL; EIF and ‘high culture’ genres such £261m into the Edinburgh economy? why exactly do I have to pay for this?” as ballet and opera. Unsurprisingly, Someone needs to stand up for us One might wonder just how there these ECV venues are wholly ganders, geese and goslings. Sure, could be a funding shortfall within supportive of a tourist levy. we might grudgingly accept paying this orgy of spending. Even with £10m a year it would an extra £1 a night to stay at Hoppo A trip to Edinburgh during festival take 20 years just to cover the £200m Backpackers during August. But season is unquestionably a life- overspend on Edinburgh’s tram should we really have to? Put the enriching affair but a wallet-draining fiasco. Bob’s Blundabus, a popular stuffing away. Haven’t we suffered one. From premium prices charged and profitable converted bus used as a enough? for travel, to quite frankly being Fringe venue, receives zero funding. If Yianni Agisilaou performs price-gouged for accommodation, even a sliver of the money earmarked The Simpsons taught me everything there is no shortage of people for the ECV was given to Bob, it could I know, 13:30 at Voodoo Rooms and willing to extract their (now slightly be retrofitted with a working flux Comedians Against Humanity, 19:30 depreciated) pound of flesh from the capacitor, stuffed with councilors and at Liquid Rooms Annexe. Both FREE.

6 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 7 ˆeatr Sectione wit‰ Limp GiardiŒ Macbet‰ Wit‰ Žs‰ Stuffe Up Our Arse Assembl“ P•“, 16:00 As always, Fringegoers this year the Scottish play its earthy, pre- of Arabia will not sweeten this little will have a cornucopia of Macbeths Union clannishness and proved that hand”. The killer queen, played by to choose from. There’s the the work, like the sheep’s stomach, Amanda Amandamanda, admirably Modern Macbeth at the Concrete could keep its form despite the most keeps her grip on an Atlantic wrasse Hardbastard Theatre, or Maccie B’s violent traducement. throughout the performance. N Txtspk at the Fluffy Warehouse, So does Macbeth With Fish In short, Macbeth With with its iconic rendering of “Is Stuffed Up Our Arses offer Fish Stuffed Up Our Arses is a shankICB4I fam??” After having anything new? Well it’s wonderful pisciverous delight. Running at Banquo slain, the Thane of Glamis to see Simon Gravysniffer’s just one hour and 52 minutes (a underscores the malady by texting Duncan, a plodding and deliberate record by 50 minutes), the garbled, “pwnd” to the dead man’s phone. interpretation due to the anal pained dialogue and the apparent Neither is it new to see a impediment of a 12-pound Pollock. urgency with which the players carnivalesque play on the The accidental ejection of the Grey wish to remove their scaley back nether regions. Theatre fans will Gurnard in the rectum of Graham passengers speaks tracts about the recall 2011’s Macbeth In Which Tights’s Macbeth over the arm of discomfort of the human condition. Everyone Has Sex With a Haggis, his wife added a special gravitas to Or something. a production that really restored to Lady Macbeth’s “All the perfumes 3½ pigs

Loo› Bac› Iž Anger Whils„ Needin Œ We GlummerhalŸ, 19:30 SX

Where else to go with the kitchen Pocket Repertory in 2009. what is inside, even if it’s making sink drama? Producers have There, the incontinence was a your eyes water. agonised over this question for poignant remark on female sexual As Jimmy crosses his legs so long that it’s surprising – and release whereas here we have the in agony and Helena (Maple a relief – to see the answer. The social upheavals of postwar Britain Beechbirch) gestures towards a kitchen sink drama needs actors for expressed in all their pressing toilet that is no longer there, the whom the kitchen sink is a tempting immediacy. By removing the long-suffering Alison (Juniper conduit of relief. bathroom from Osborne’s work, Hornbeam) delivers the line “Oh, This isn’t the first time director Rowan Poplar has brought don’t try and take his suffering away micturition, and our ceaseless that kitchen sink back into focus. from him — he’d be lost without it.” need for it, has found expression When Jimmy, sensitively played At that moment, the compromises onstage. Who can forget Ash by Crabapple Firlarch, gasps “The Jimmy must make are as clear as Dutchelmdisease’s production of wrong people going hungry, the his compromised dignity. There The Secret Garden After a Five Litre wrong people being loved, the wasn’t a dry eye in the house, nor Bottle of Lemonade, a powerful wrong people dying!” the audience board on the stage, and we must piece of feminist speechifying wants to rejoin “The wrong people contend that the human soul, like that turned a watershed piece of wetting themselves, too”. And how the human bladder, can only hold in literature into a watershedding do we resist? Well, there is the so much. Or something. piece of theatre at Edinburgh’s Dirty play’s timeless message: suppress 4 pigs

Note to American tourists: None of this is real. Please don’t go looking for these shows. 8 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE We just made them up. Although you will probably find something a bit like this in the brochure. Fring Word wit‰ Professor Foof 1: “FFS” way of saying “For F*ck’s Sake” in texts and emails. This has become quite a headache for the special men and women trying to run our Fringe for us! To get an idea of the problems they face, see if you can tell which FFS is intended in the following sentences: SC * “FFS, why is the website saying my show is sold out when I * “FFS! I’ve seen a stoned octopus If you move in lofty Fringe circles haven’t sold a single ticket?” get into pyjamas more quickly you may hear the abbreviation than you answer email queries” “Why has my show been listed ‘FFS’ quite a bit in August. It * under the show title rather than “FFS you plonkers have had since stands for Festival Fringe Society. * my name FFS?!” 1947 to get this right FFS!” Confusingly, the same combination of letters has been taken up by * “Really? Four hundred pounds for Answers will appear as soon as we sections of British youth as a quick a two-line brochure listing, FFS?!” have them.

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 9 Fro Genesi t RebeŸ Bacož Fringepi: th stor“ s far b“ Mr Kipper

Fringepig started as a humble website reviewing Fringe comedy reviewers. But just look at us now! We’re a beer-soaked bit of paper in your hand.

Remember three years ago? We know-nothing spotty apomict So we couldn’t moan about it. But were in the European Union. The writing in green crayon for a pop-up we could do it right back at them. skies were blue. We had a new Pope Fringe rag. We realised that, no We could one-up the game and say who wasn’t a dick. We used the matter how explicitly a performer “Do you see how annoying this is?” word ‘meta’ all the time. Everyone told the public what their show Hilarious! wanted to tell you how ‘meta’ There was a problem though. everything was. You couldn’t go Most annoying of A guide to just the handful of to the bathroom for a quiet poo reviewers who bothered us without someone banging on the all, the reviews seem would appear spiteful and have door and shouting “Hey! Imagine “to have improved. no validity. Nobody would care. if we, and the world, and our whole Clearly we would have to review universe, is just a giant lump of ALL the comedy reviewers, and waste falling through a porcelain was about, a reviewer would” there the problems began. Not void?! Wouldn’t that be meta?!” complain that it wasn’t something because of the sheer number of It was relentless. Suddenly every else. A Young Man Dressed as a people who had reviewed Fringe triviality had been impregnated by Gorilla Dressed as an Old Man comedy– we had, after all, nothing infinity. It was all Brian Cox’s fault. Sits Rocking in a Rocking Chair else to do – but because of the So when fringepig.co.uk appeared for Fifty-Six Minutes and Then practicalities. The human brain with its reviews of all the Fringe Leaves was given one star by a is wired in a way that allows us to comedy reviewers, everyone said first-time reviewer at Three Weeks take the piss out of one person or “Ooh, reviewing reviewers! That’s who had somehow misunderstood institution at a time. When you try very meta!” Some people wanted the concept. Alasdair Tremblay- to take the piss out of hundreds of to out-meta us and sent us reviews Birchall’s Alasdair Lists Everything people, one after another, as part of of our reviewer-reviewers. Without was savaged by a reviewer at a systematic excoriation, exception these emails were labelled ScotsGay who gasped “He a weird thing happens. HOW META IS THIS?? in capitals, just stands there listing You become fair. So to make sure we understood that it everything”. But it’s while we had fun really was very meta indeed. uncool to whine about undercutting these So, to clear the air, Fringepig is these things. “S’all in hacks at first, before not, and never has been, ‘meta’. the game yo” as that long we’d started to Fringepig is an ombudsman. It guy in The Wire rate them comparatively. happened because everyone in said. I forget which Relativism is a thing comedy was complaining that one. That one who that destroys satire, a Fringe show costing, easily, is involved with even more than BBC £10,000 to stage, could be hobbled drugs and gets Three tried to destroy on its first night by an unschooled killed. Him. satire. More than

10 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE SX Brexit destroyed satire by being have a good jeer. Having been, if more ridiculous than satire. And not actually killed, then certainly even then people made it worse by punched in the face by kindness, we saying: “Well it’s not quite as bad faced the UKIP quandary. We’d got as genocide or nuclear war, is it?” what we wanted and were now just Relativism turns the most vicious hanging around being dicks. butcher into a kitchen connoisseur. But then we saw this advert Still, the website annoyed the for Three Hop beer. Look at it. reviewers, which was the point. Seriously. Someone thinks that this Kev F, the man who does the is what the Fringe is about. Some Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet coked-up jarfart in a tweed jacket shows, was our only advertiser. looked at the Fringe, wondered This made everyone think he was how to sell it beer, and thought “Ah behind it, and so he spent August yes, I’ve got it. We’ll tell people to 2014 being accosted in alleyways by be a total bellend.” And the Fringe reviewers who told him he’d sunk brochure actually printed this his career. “You’ll never put socks advert, because the Festival Fringe on your hands in this town again!” Society would run an advert for they said. Poor Kev. He hadn’t even swastikas made out of rhino horn ASKED to be our advertiser. if the client took a whole page and But the Fringe changes quickly. paid before the early-bird deadline. What was extraordinary or shocking one year is normal the next. We realised, then, that Fringe Adrienne Truscott, having done performers still need an advocate, a show about rape with her junk a mouthpiece, a sympathetic ear. out in 2013, was moaned at for A big blue felt ear. They needed not upping the ante the following to thank us — actually THANK us someone with a head full of sawdust year. She should have been fully — and say “would you look at this and a trunkful of badly-formed nude, or baring her soul at least, manuscript too, please?” We always opinions. And that’s me. It’s all of while talking about infanticide and obliged. Bernard O’Leary from The us here. It can be you too. stamping on hamsters, said the Skinny told us that we had given press. Sort of. editors the impetus they needed Fringepig’s database of At any rate, if Fringe reviewers to fire and reprimand bad writers. reviewer-reviews can be seen reviewed science they’d be saying Martin Walker, comedy editor online at fringepig.co.uk “Isn’t it about time someone grew a at , asked us to whole head on the back of a mouse? check over the site’s new reviewers’ To write for Fringepig, Everyone’s doing human-ear mice guidelines, based on Fringepig’s send submissions to now. Why no human-head mouse? ‘Ten Tips for Good Reviewing’. In [email protected] Just a simple, inoffensive head? fact, despite always referring to the publication as Backstreet Abortion Say, Alan Cumming’s head? Alan Backstreet Abortion the alternative Edinburgh Fringe magazine Our second Cumming’s head, smoking a pipe, and stating that its writers would FringepiIssue Two issues is out on the back of a mouse. WHY is “wank off a Doberman to get free nobody doing that this year? Oh tickets to a dog fight”, everyone at FREE! Aug 16th. you’ve cured cancer? Three stars.” Broadway Baby was just lovely to To buy an The point is: by 2015 nobody was us. Fest wanted to do an ad swap. ad, contact angry with us anymore. We were Most annoying of all, the reviews sales@ just another bit of Fringe furniture. did seem to have improved; few Article, cartoon & phot storie fringepig.co.uk Fring reviewer reviewe b stuffe animal Reviewers we criticised wrote in were so amusingly awful we could Michae Legg’ ‘Le’ sel thi gi ou!’

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 11 12 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE#0 *

FRINGEPIGFRINGEPIG ISSUE ISSUE ONE #0 13 I remember whež alŸ thi wa veggi café an strip joint M“ Fring b“ Robiž Inc

Comedian, rationalist, culture glutton and Fringe stalwart Robin Ince reflects on the changing face of Edinburgh in August

It began with Russell Harty. He was saw Jeremy Hardy, Clare Dowie, look to the sky and wonder if Lenny probably introducing the acapella John Hegley, Frederick Benson and Bruce died for the sins of those that outfit Instant Sunshine. more acapella outfits that weren’t were yet to come? This was the first I saw of the Instant Sunshine. Looking back Does the rise of stand up comedy Edinburgh Fringe. Just as BBC2 now, I realise the two events that run in parallel with the resurgence introduced me to The Young Ones, most shaped my life were being in of the psychic medium? Too so it went on to introduce me to a brutal car accident at the age of 3 many hours of TV to fill, so the dreams of a fringe existence. and seeing Rik Mayall on A Kick Up ROBIN ON In those times, comedy wasn’t the Eighties. THE COVER OF HIS BAD just an entertainment, it was a I presume I am third-generation BOOK CLUB BOOK. manifesto; something to believe in. alternative, maybe the last PHOTO © SPHERE A way of mind. alternative generation before the As punk had shaped the agenda lines blurred to a new mainstream. of those outsiders before me, so Alternative is a tag that hung alternative comedy manipulated around the bitter lips of cruise my opinions on Nicaragua, the ship entertainers and inky news miner’s strike and mother in law hacks long after it meant nothing. jokes. Who needed Adorno or Old men like Stewart Lee and me, Orwell when you had Alexei Sayle brought up on the NME and and The Dangerous Brothers? An radicalised by late night Channel oft-botched image of alternative 4, can be infuriated by some comedy is that it was all people of the mainstream comedy shouting about Thatcher and doing of today grown from the impersonations of the sinking of agitprop acorns of the the General Belgrano, but there was 80s because we thought also a lot of art school stupidity. stand up comedy was Just like many of the alternative meant to be something synth bands that came before them, else. the performers mixed being well- Surely it has to mean read with being ridiculous. something; something At 15 years old I started going more than just laughter? to London comedy clubs. The first In my dark moments, line of alternatives had graduated lit by the neon of the to television or acting jobs, so I lightest entertainment, we

14 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE cheapness of one human and some The Flying Pickets had died down. ruin his eyes and his theses. amplification either mocking fast After Jeremy Hardy’s show, I Much like the number of food workers or contacting the bought a signed poster for a pound TV channels, the number of spurious ectoplasm of the dead can (all money to the Terrence Higgins comedians means that you can be handy. Trust) and a few days later I saw create numerous visions of the I feel the weight of the Edinburgh THE Jeremy Hardy walking along entertainment present and the Fringe brochure in my hand: does Princes Street. I approached him entertainment future, both the remarkable increase in weight nervously and asked him if he could dystopian and utopian. Though the from the brochure of 1987 correlate give me advice on being a stand imagination of the entertainment to the weight of ambition to all who up. He didn’t put me off enough, industry’s controllers may often be go up there now? dull and limited, the imagination And what of those ugly prison of the comedian still thrives. There camp fences around Edinburgh for The is the delight is still politics and absurdity in the purpose of erecting vast gurning of Edinburgh: it need abundance. It is not all fashionable heads of comedians and their not be ,product,. young bucks telling you stories from four-star reviews and “star of the “ their universal Stepford lives. Comedy Roadshows” tags, a gallery The greatest confusion in of Big Brothers who would rather stand up now is brought on by so now, 29 years on, my adult” life be watched than watching? the expectations of an audience Should I bemoan the circuit of has been as a stand up comedian of nurtured on mainstream TV today and while looking fondly at some description or other. comedy, and the ambitions of the a time of few comedians and fewer Some days the huge business- stand up comedians who may wish clubs? I remember when all this like, PR heavy, empty, noisy glitz to test themselves further than the was vegetarian cafés and strip joints of the beast I first saw roaring audience want. taking a night off. amateurishly in a cellar off the This is the delight of Edinburgh. My first Edinburgh Fringe was Charing Cross Road saddens me. It is a reminder that everything 1987. I ate a different form of I have moments of wondering if need not be ‘product’. tinned pasta shapes every night this whole sorry affair is something Television does not have to be the and augmented my diet with a I should never have got involved destination, though it is harder to Dairylea triangle for calcium. I with in the first place. I see acts build an audience without it. walked the streets alone, excited of incredible inventiveness go Philip K Dick said the problem by each flyer I was handed. I saw unrewarded, fameless and near with Hollywood was that they the National Theatre of Brent with penniless,and I see people who wanted to disturb the senses, not Jim Broadbent and Patrick Barlow ‘know how to play the game’ boss the mind. I think there are still re-enacting The Bible, Denise Black their butler into polishing their enough comics out there who wish and the Kray Sisters, a double bill of brass buckles brighter. I think it to do both. It may be a longer Helen Lederer and Raw Sex, Jenny is a pity that the panel show has struggle, and the rejection is rarely Lecoat with Richard Vranch on been king, as some of the most palatable, but I know there is an piano; a play about Kenneth fascinating comedy minds cannot optimist homunculus somewhere Halliwell and Joe Orton that thrive in that environment. I watch in my skull that sees the rise of all had a very haunting scene comedians with audiences that have manner of magnificent comedic involving death by wasp no patience; they want hit after hit monsters. RI sting... and Jeremy Hardy. It of laughter and refuse to have the was fabulous and exhilarating attention span for a story. and I started to dream of the That is the pessimistic old man Check out Josie days when I’d be introduced who sees some truths, but then and Robin’s Book by Russell Harty after the ignores the ones that offer sun- Shambles at applause for the acapella group shine for fear the joy of light will cosmicgenome.com/shambles

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 15 “Le„’ selŸ thi gi ou„!” Michael Legge urges us to give each of these great comics a crowd surge. We’ll be at these shows at these times... come with us!

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Alisož Spittl PhiŸ Elli i Alon Daniell War: Seymour Mac: Discover Hawaiª Together (Bu„ Seventeež Shi„ ·tl Gilde Balloož Mainl“ Alon) Jus„ ˆ Toni¶ ˆ Stan 2 Countin Hous, 13:45 Underbell“ ˆ Cave 14:30 @AlisonSpittle Cowgat, 17:40 14:40 @SeymourMace The … The @ThePhilEllis @CaptainWard The funniest man on the ITV of Fringe venues. I think This is another show that I Do The Right Thing’s planet. He got nominated this is going to be a much reckon will be talked about a Danielle Ward’s show was last year so let’s go see him talked-about and loved show lot. He’s so naturally funny superb last year. This one is now and see if he’s gone all this year so let’s all get to and inventive. I hate him. I looking even better. crap. say we saw it first! Day one bet the f***er wins the award Very exciting. starts strong. this year. Pr*ck. Suž 7t‰ Mož 8t‰ Tu 9t‰ We 10t‰

Ferž Brad“: Julie„ Myer: ˆi Stuar„ Goldsmit‰: MichaeŸ J Dolaž: Mal Comedienn Flippin Rescu Do Compare T Wha„ ˆ Mº„ Villainou ˆ Stan 2 Ha Ruine M“ Lif PBH Fre Fring, Liqui MichaeŸ J Dolaž 12:10 Laughin Hors Roo Ann¹ 15:45 FREE ˆ Stan 4 @FernBrady @Southsid SociaŸ @ComComPod 14:25 So much attitude. I love 14:30 FREE I don’t know why I like @MichaelJDolan it. Her show last year was @JulietMeyers this man. He’s so funny, Hooray for deeply intelligent excellent and I keep hearing Juliet is a delight. Great lines, incredibly skilled, he works paranoia! Misery and anger great things about this one very funny observations. She so hard, is thoroughly decent just the way you like it. This too. Go! wrote the funniest thing I’ve and handsome. And yet I is a total must-see! ever heard a comedian say. like him. A lot. You’re in very Ever. So think about that eh? safe hands at his show. Yeah, he’s even got safe hands.

16 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE ˆ 11t‰ Frª 12t‰ Sa„ 13t‰ Suž 14t‰

RacheŸ Parri: Christiaž Talbo„: Stephež Carliž: TV Garret„ Milleric›: Bes„ Lai Plan C60 Comebac› SpeciaŸ ˆ Dream Stuff Pleasanc Dom Underbell“ Me Qua Laughin Hors @ i Mad of 18:50 17:50 ˆ Fre Sister Pleasanc Dom, 21:40 @RachelParris @TheTall_Bot 20:15 FREE @FergalTweet Rachel just gets better and Christian Talbot, an actual @MrStephenCarlin Confident, bold and very better. I saw her do a gig at a human dog, returns with his It’s Saturday night. Go to funny. A truly great stand huge music venue this year new hour about his love of this. Please don’t let the up but with enough shabby and she nailed it. You won’t music. Go along and record drunks in. Stephen is head humanity that you don’t ever regret going to see her. it and sing along to it in your and shoulders above most think he’s a pr*ck. Looking So, you know, go see her. bedroom afterwards. comics so treat yourself. forward to this immensely. Mož 15t‰ ...plu! Tu 16t‰ We 17t‰

Grainn Maguir: Jo Bain: JoannŒ Near“ Doe Coliž Houl„ / Grea„ Peopl Makin Currie Mustar Animal an Mež AnnŒ Manž: A Grea„ Choice Laughin Hors @ ˆ Stan 5, 14:30 Sketc‰ Show for Pleasanc Courtyar Espionag (Kasbar) 01:00 @MsJoNeary Depressive 19:15 FREE I won’t lie: This is the show I Pleasanc C’yar, 19:00 @GrainneMaguire I know nothing about this most want to see. She never @ColinHoult show or the performer but She tweeted her menstrual fails. Definitely the most I’ve seen three of Colin’s solo LOOK! He’s on at 1am! cycle to the Irish Taoiseach! talented person that I’ve ever shows and spent most of Every f***ing night! He Why would you go anywhere seen in comedy. I could cry if my time since then thinking deserves an award for even other than Grainne’s show? I wasn’t laughing. Don’t not about them. Trust me, this thinking of doing that. Go She’s very, very funny and a see this show. You’ve wasted will be a huge highlight of to this, bring your friends. huge inspiration. your life if you miss it. the Fringe so do not miss it! Support, support, support!

the alternative Edinburgh Fringe magazine

FringepiIssue Two Next issue: our LSTGO flashmobs FREE! for days between Thursday 18th and Monday 29th >

Article, cartoon & phot storie Fring reviewer reviewe b stuffe animal AW Michae Legg’ ‘Le’ sel thi gi ou!’ FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 17 RolŸ up! RolŸ up!

MR KIPPER REVIEWS THE BEST OF FRINGE CIRCUS ENTERTAINMENT!

Toppleplop’ Flyin Stor“-Attache-T -I„ Circu The Smelly Belly @ The Chunderbelly, 21:45 The PR says: “Marvel as people attached to ropes fly about the ceiling because reasons” Mr Kipper says: There were no elephants. Chines Stat Ladybo“ Hig‰ Wir Cr¿“ Spectacular The Big Top @ The Meadows, 23:00 PR says: “Be amazed by a show that oozes sexuality and daring if you a) like that sort of thing and b) scare easily” Mr Kipper says: Somehow this seemed to have less than no elephants. What the actual hell?

Cirqu D Franc Present: LŒ BulemiŒ The Reasonably Large Area @ The Glades, 20:45 PR says: “Gasp as women who need to eat more fold themselves into shapes for your amusement” Mr Kipper says: Absolute zero elephants, and I counted them twice. Anarchis„ S‰out“ Maž Iž A Bowler Ha„ Circu Not Quite Large Enough Room @ The Fields, 12:00 PR says: “Swoon as heavily tattooed people tell you over and over again how much fun you’re having” Mr Kipper says: Okay in places, but desperately needed elephants. ˆ Sa, Pointles, Elephan„-Fre Albaniaž Stat Circu Oppressive Situation @ The Railway Siding, 19:00 PR says: “Experience feelings as a circus that used to have an elephant turns up again anyway and wonders what to do with itself” Mr Kipper says: Finally, a circus that addresses the lack of elephants in the room. Brilliant. 18 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE Creator of Vanit“ Mirror launc‰ Glutton“ Fridg Company continues series of products inspired by the seven deadly sins

At a star-studded launch show last to surround themselves with night, Dante Inc unveiled their latest Our fridge grooming products and innovation, the ‘Gluttony Fridge’. As scented candles in what bikini-clad models draped themselves boasts cutting their marketing campaign over the gleaming stainless steel “edge food-wasting called a “shrine to monolith, CEO Ted Omnibus boasted yourself”. that “our offensively sized refrigeration technology. The company had unit meets consumer demands to further success with the accommodate the huge quantities of Sloth Couch and Envy food that you don’t really need.” monitor embedded on the Binoculars, but they He gently tapped the side of the inside of the doors,” he ” were almost crippled three-metre-high obelisk, causing continued. “So as you indulge by litigation after the inch-thick electronic doors to slide in fatty snacks it can play live launch of the disastrous open with a self-satisfied sigh. “Our footage of starving children in Wrath Pistol. product utilises cutting-edge food- war-torn countries, sublimely However, the Gluttony Fridge wasting technology,” he enthused. underlining your lack of empathy is already being hailed as a return to “Automatically sending barely-touched for those less fortunate – and all in form, and if it does as well as industry produce to landfill whilst ordering new breathtaking 1080p definition!” experts anticipate, fiery rain will soon overpriced goods to replace them.” Dante Inc made their fortune in be plummeting from the heavens, “This glistening temple of consumer the 1980s with the Vanity Mirror, a rightly wiping our miserable species greed also features a hi-def widescreen triple mirrored desk enabling people from the face of the Earth.

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FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 19 ONE-DAY TIMETABLES: THEATRE Off th Beatež Pat‰ Pith-helmeted Rebecca Perry guides you through the steaming interior of musical theatre like a non-racist Cecil Rhodes or von Humboldt or something

Start your expedition with a bang. and just making it to 2 Become 1 at Now that the sun has gone down Walk up The Mound to Assembly Underbelly Cowgate at 16:00 to it’s time to get gritty. Reapply your Hall and sing along to Dolly Parton’s pump your veins with 90s nostalgia and lipstick (boys) and head on over to The catchy lyrics in 9 to 5: The Musical witness infectious pop anthems and Voodoo Rooms on West Register at 11:30. After that much talk about power ballads while these women speed Street at 18:30 for Cabaret Whore plotting the death of your boss you’re date. That’s right, the old version of Presents…La Poule Plombé. Sarah- going to need a cocktail break! Run Tinder before you could swipe right for Louise Young is the definition of a one over to George Square and get one from a good time. woman musical if ever there was one. the bar (in a to go cup) and zip in to It’s time to reload and refuel. A savvy Just sit back, relax and enjoy. Assembly George Square at 14:40 expeditionary of the musical theatre Then wrap up the day with the siren for Penny Ashton’s Promise and jungle always knows where to find songs and musings of the one and only Promiscuity. Her multiple spoofs of a watering hole. Check your Google Camille O’Sullivan. She will take famous Jane Austen characters with maps app and let it guide you on foot good care of you as she serenades you at modern music will have you laughing to The Elephant House for delicious the Underbelly Circus Hub at 20:30 like a chimpanzee on crack. dinner and dessert! Trust me – you where you can enjoy the serene view of Then it’s time to get some delicious will want to save room for one of their The Meadows and drink cider until take-out at the food trucks beside the cakes and fancy hot chocolates. You you want to stumble home. square – I recommend the cold curry can also observe all the Harry Potter Rebecca Perry’s Adventures of a potato salad at the Indian Bazaar memorabilia – JK Rowling wrote the Redheaded Coffeeshop Girl is at – and then you are hopping in a cab first Hogwarts stories here. Gilded Balloon Teviot at 16:15, Aug 3-29 (not 10, 17, 24) Earl“ Bir Catche th Show Good morning campers! Haley McGee has a full-on day of theatre for you

You’re up at 8am. Come on! Shovel Fortified, you can now whip over Arthur’s Seat. Go up as far as you can. some granola from Real Foods into to Assembly Roxy and dive into Have a scream. Sing the highest note your mouth and fly out the door. Nod to a grand piano with Circo Aereo & you can. Have a sip of water. And Arthur’s seat, you’ll get up there soon. Thomas Monckton’s wonderfully cuckoo head over Leith way. It feels far, but First you need caffeine. Stop in at Black contemporary solo circus The Pianist. Edinburgh’s small. You can do it. Medicine Coffee for a cortado. Now you’re ready to revolt. 2pm: Spend some time here. Have dinner Take a tiny moment to pat yourself on Lemon Bucket Orchestra’s Counting at the Forest Fringe Café. Eat the back and share a smug smile with Sheep. This 15-piece guerilla-folk punk vegetables. Enjoy cheap wine. They’re your fellow new-writing culture-bots band will have you singing, marching, celebrating their 10th anniversary who’ve also made it to the Traverse for dancing, laughing and crying as you lose with the best performances from the the Breakfast Plays at 9am. Enjoy a yourself in... Ukrainian history! last decade. It’s pay-what-you-can and breakfast roll and coffee, as you take in You’re doing great. It’s 3:15. Grab always fascinating, provocative and fun. a reading of a new play—it’s a different a beer when you arrive at Assembly If you feel like a good hard laugh, play every morning, on the theme “Will George Square and delight in hilarious Mae Martin is improvising technology save us or tear us apart?” international sensation Sean Kempton’s a new hour every night at 9:15pm at Next, dash over to for Edinburgh debut of Stuff. @ City Café. Pippa Firth’s love letter to the sleepless: Okay back to Summerhall for Otherwise snuggle up in Leith and Stories to Tell in the Middle of the Flangan Collective’s From The Mouth head to Port O’Leith for a nightcap. Night at 10:15am. of Gods at 4:55pm. It’s immersive and Go on. Take the tram home. Sleep. You You’ve been at it for a while now. daring and it explores free will, maths did everything right. Head over to Spoon for a delicious and kissing; determined to make the Haley McGee’s I’m Doing This for brunch. Indulge your carnal appetite fictional real. Wheee! You is at Summerhall every day of with black pudding and a fried egg. Take a pause. Wander around the Fringe at 4:15pm

20 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE ONE-DAY TIMETABLE: COMEDY AÀeŸ Piec Ed Aczel urges you to have this sort of fun, in this order

So you want a busy, yet varied day at the Fringe? Not too pricey, but catching all the rising stars and with some fine refreshments? Well look no further! Start at 12:15 sharp at Laughing Horse’s Cabaret Voltaire on Blair Street for Previously from Maff Brown, with some beautiful one liners and charm personified. Sit back to watch a consummate professional entertain. Afterwards hop along to the Hula Bar on the corner of Grassmarket for a smoothie, bagel and a sit down. Then head for an afternoon double bill of pay-what- you-want shows at the Heroes Hive venue on Niddry Street. At 2pm see Mr Matthew Highton’s I, the Universe for some magisterial glam rock comedy and surreal sci fi story telling. Then stay in your seat at 3pm to see Marny Godden’s Where’s John’s Porridge Bowl? Supremely abstract character comedy and clowning from a brilliant, brilliant performer. Next, get your walking boots on to hoof it across town for afternoon tea/early supper at Edinburgh’s oldest and finest Vegetarian restaurant Henderson’s @ 94 Hanover Street. Beetroot and quiche a speciality, no need to book. At 4:50pm it’s time for some intelligently crafted political comedy from the master John Gordillo at The Stand 2. Then march/meander/taxi back to the Hive for 6:40pm and the charming Joz Norris’ touching homage to the transitory nature of love and life, Hello, Goodbye (a cardboard box to help explain things and I believe there’s engaging red pepper eating). This one’s pay-what-you-want.

After that a quick drink at true Scottish boozer YA+BW the Royal Oak (on the corner of Infirmary St) and onward to see the madcap, brilliant, beautiful Ms Lou Sanders (a star rising fast) in Dome at 8:10pm. THERE CAN BE Then hot foot it down to the Banshee Labyrinth ONLY ONE (PBH Free Fringe) on Niddry Street for Mr Richard Gadd’s eagerly anticipated Monkey See Monkey Do (need I say more?) – high octane comedy at its best. Note: you will have to queue for this, so get there early. Show starts at 9:45pm. And if that’s not enough, finish the night off with larger than life on his Heroes Blundabus in the Underpass – although can I suggest you turn up pissed, please? It’s just better that way. Ed Aczel’s Foreign Policy is at Heroes @ The Hive (venue 313) at 16:20 from 4-28 Aug (not 16) DB

SC FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 21 Fring Word wit‰ Professor Foof 2: “Tec‰” students with the mechanical However the picture is confusing, adaptation of a Humboldt squid as there are some excellent techs. and the concentration of a bonobo The word should be used with monkey in a disco. These creatures caution, like ‘sex’, which likewise propagate emails in May, designed can be either life-affirming to lure unwary comedians into or disastrous. The true joy putting them behind a mixing desk. of techs is They will then build a nest out of experienced lanyards and spawn a new CV. when there This description of the tech is, is love and The word ‘tech’ is derived from of course, a little unfair as neither understanding. the word ‘technician’, a word first squid nor primates have been If you are recorded in the dictionary in 1833 known to suffer from synaesthesia. going to pay under the definition “A person Techs will regularly confuse sound for techs, try expert in the technicalities of some for light and lights for sound, and go upmarket. question”. usually before bursting into tears You get very little Confusingly it is also the August and going back to the Home satisfaction for job title of several hundred drama Counties on or around day three. £10 an hour.

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22 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE Get a FREE book of these at

Ba Ending www.bussellbooks.com A serie of tale tha„ dož’„ en welŸ

Ol Ha„

sat alone in that silent, with the oval window, but glasses. This was a world matter the occasion or gloomy attic for so very he never did. Eventually where everything flashed company. They had no class. I long. The only sense I Brenda, Harold’s widow, by at speed, except for the One day my owner’s had of the passage of time plucked me from my hook, people, who propped and sat aimless meandering led was the ever-increasing carried me upstairs and shut and slouched all day. him to a vintage market weight of dust that settled me away where the sight My new owner’s attire where he took a fancy to upon my back. Dust that of me couldn’t upset her wasn’t tailored; rather a selection of war medals. wouldn’t have been stood anymore. it was assembled from More antiquities, shut in the for on Harold’s watch. The dust on my back second-hand shops and dark for decades, relics like Harold wasn’t a rich man, had grown thick by the worn ironically with the myself. He plucked a gold but what he lacked in money time I saw the next face. It express intention of proving star from its case, paid the he made up for in class. He stall’s proprietor and fixed would fix his hair with a light it to his blazer, grinning touch of pomade, polish The man who sat beneath like a split watermelon. I the tips of his brogues, and was so angry. He hadn’t the carefully brush the lid of his my brim was not a man at all, slightest idea what that star hat to keep it immaculate. I but a sloppy reconstruction. meant. Hadn’t done a thing should know, I was that hat. “ to earn it. Hadn’t been shot Harold’s prize fedora. at in the mud and the blood. I was Harold’s trademark, It was just a shiny thing to a gift from his late father, belonged to a young man, that he was different. This,” pin to his lapel. And Harold worn with pride. In the Harold’s age but not Harold. I learned, was his sole was dead. rare times I wasn’t sat atop He was dressed in the style contribution to the world. I breathed in. Breathed in his head I could be found I was accustomed to, a wide The man who sat beneath then exhaled. Exhaled all of hanging from an iron hook swing necktie matched to a my brim was not a man at all the hate. All of the disgust in his porch, near enough to single-breasted waistcoat. but a sloppy reconstruction and the loathing I had for the front door that he could He wore a waxed moustache of one, and I was his this feckless generation. And grab me on his way out of with his hair trimmed to a unwitting accomplice. I shrank. Shrank until the the house, but not so close short back and sides, and The world outdoors was, idiot beneath me screamed that the sunlight from its when he lowered me onto his for the most part, a hat- and screamed then screamed oval window would bleach head I was pleased to catch a free place – at least outside no more. Until his flesh my fabric and spoil my look. familiar note of Brylcreem. of my owner’s clique: an oozed from between the Spoil our look. But when he brought me insufferable set of clownishly weave of my fabric like icing But that was a long time down from the attic I found dressed twits jockeying to from a baker’s decorating ago. Before the world went myself in a fresh new world. prove which of them cared bag. And only after the to war and I was put out to A world lit not by gaslight less. They had no jobs, yet horrified crowd gathered pasture. When Harold left to but by electric. A world of could somehow afford to around, picking their way serve his country and put on plastics and microchips and spend the working week across a hundred yards of a different kind of hat. glowing rectangles that my discussing music and flesh ribbon, did I cough up For years I hung from my new owner watched through drinking expensive coffee. the tight pellet of crushed hook, waiting for Harold to the matching rectangle They had no manners, up bone that was his stupid walk back through the door lenses of his expensive keeping their hats on no skull.

FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE 23 24 FRINGEPIG ISSUE ONE