THE CHRONICLES by Laura Pfzenmayer 803-517-4920 20050 Oak Rd. E. Unit 1005 Gulf Shores, Al 36542 [email protected]

Cast of Characters

Barbie Our aging heroine. This can be cast two ways: a 50ish woman with large blonde hair with a really good fgure or a 20ish woman with a really good fgure and large blonde hair playing a 50ish woman.

Midge Barbie’s best friend, also in her 50’s, cafeteria manager, looks like she’s in her 50’s

Ken Barbie’s long suffering husband, also in his 50’s. Very metro sexual. ACT I

At Rise: A table and 2 chairs. On the table is a large cardboard box labeled “Barbie’s Accessories”. BARBIE, dressed in ridiculously tight pink clothing and spike heels enters, she removes a mailbox on a short post from the box and stands it on the table and then removes a stack of mail. MIDGE enters dressed dowdily wearing orthopedic fats, also with a stack of mail. BARBIE opens an envelope and starts reading, her mouth falls open in disbelief.

BARBIE This has to be a mistake.

MIDGE Barbie, what is it? Did you sleep order from QVC again?

BARBIE No, Midge this is really bad!

MIDGE Another letter from an obsessed fan?

BARBIE I kind of like those especially when they send pictures! No, this is something truly horrible.

MIDGE Its from the IRS, they’ve disallowed your wardrobe deduction.

BARBIE Why would they do that? This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, Its from that retired persons organization and its addressed to me.

MIDGE AARP.

BARBIE This is ridiculous, they want me to join.

MIDGE That’s not traumatic, its like a 50th birthday present. I’m a member, there’s lot of perks, dis- counts and stuff. I really enjoy the magazine.

BARBIE I subscribe to Cosmo, I’m not old enough for AARP.

MIDGE The fact that you still subscribe to any actual paper magazine proves you qualify for the senior discount. Young hip, happening people think anything made of paper is way too old school and you turned 50 this year (BARBIE looks aghast) but you don’t look it, you’re very well preserved. 2. BARBIE Well preserved is code for old.

MIDGE I meant it as a compliment. Look at your skin, only the faintest sun damage even if you are a little heavy handed with the make-up and your hair is in remarkably good shape for having been bleached all these years not to mention the teasing and of course there’s your fgure, you could still be a Playboy Centerfold if they still had Playboy centerfolds. I don’t know how you do it.

BARBIE (Feeling her face and hair) Constant maintenance but you’re right I’m not young anymore, how am I going to continue be- ing a fashion and style icon if I’m old?

MIDGE Good question, I don’t know how you’ve hung on for this long. You and I are the same age but retired me as your “best friend” years ago and now I’ve gone on to a satisfying second career.

BARBIE As the cafeteria manager of an elementary school.

MIDGE Don’t look down your nose at me, I’m proud of my position at Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary.

BARBIE Hairnets and snotty nosed children and God forbid, sensible shoes.

MIDGE I understand your aversion to hairnets but kids are your bread and butter.

BARBIE I appreciate them in the abstract, they are my biggest fans and every little girl aspires to grow up to be me but- don’t let this get out - I don’t actually like kids.

MIDGE Why am I not surprised.

BARBIE I am counting on you as my best friend to not let Mattel know what I just said, not that you’re really in communication with them anymore.

MIDGE Speaking of Mattel, isn’t that their logo (Points at envelope in her hand).

BARBIE Probably giving me a raise or coming up with a new exciting concept like replacing my dream Corvette with a dream Ferrari. 3. (Rips the envelope opens, takes out the letter and begins to read) Dropping sales, looking at newer fashion doll alternatives, dated product line, no longer rele- vant…..I can’t believe it, they’re fring me. What am I going to do?

MIDGE Maybe you could talk to them, don’t you have a contract?

BARBIE Based on sales, they can terminate at their discretion.

MIDGE Go talk to Hasbro.

BARBIE Non-compete clause.

MIDGE How about a lawsuit? You were “Attorney Barbie”.

BARBIE I never embraced the whole suit and glasses look, I don’t know a tort from a habeas corpus. What am I going to do?

MIDGE Surely you’ve got savings, you’ve been raking it in for years.

BARBIE Royalties haven’t been what they used to be and to be honest and I have been indulging in a good bit of retail therapy. Not to mention our lifestyle is expensive, we’ve been living beyond our means since the 90’s. What am I going to do?

MIDGE I’ve got an opening on the steam table.

(MIDGE and BARBIE go to the box, put the mail and mailbox in it and remove aprons and hair nets which they then put on. MIDGE takes out a clipboard and BARBIE takes out a long metal spoon. MIDGE sits at the table)

BARBIE Christie said you needed to talk to me Midge.

MIDGE I hate to be a stickler for protocol, but when we are at work, please address me as Mrs. Headley.

BARBIE You’re supposed to be my best friend. 4. MIDGE But now I’m your boss, sit down Barbie.(Indicates the chair)

BARBIE If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to stand, my posable knees don’t bend like they used to.

MIDGE Suit yourself. Barbie, this is only your second week on the job at Dwight D. Eisenhower Ele- mentary and there have already been three incidents. The chipped beef today, well, let me just say that the clean-up on that is going to throw the whole crew into overtime and we’re going to have to rent a hydraulic lift to clean the light fxtures.

BARBIE It’s not my fault, the kids don’t respect me anymore. I can sort of understand the boys, but I had hoped the girls would still look up to me.

MIDGE So you dumped a scoop of chipped beef on Eleanor Shultz’s head and triggered a major food- I was going to say fght but that doesn’t adequately describe it, it was a food war. I thought the mashed potatoes and creamed spinach were bad, but this took it to a new level.

BARBIE I snapped when she called me Lunchroom Lady. There is no Barbie Lunchroom Lady.

MIDGE That’s what you are Barbie, a lunchroom lady, check the hairnet and the apron.

BARBIE But I don’t want to be a lunchroom lady, I want to be a supermodel. Look at my shoes, these are not the shoes of a woman doomed to serve Brussels Sprouts

MIDGE You’re right, OSHA would shut us down if they saw those stilettos, they are wrong on so many levels. It’s good that you realize that you weren’t meant for the cafeteria.

BARBIE What are you saying Midge, I mean Mrs. Hadley?

MIDGE No need to sugar coat it Barbie, you’re fred. Turn in your hairnet.

BARBIE What am I going to do? The dream house is in foreclosure, I took out a title loan on the dream Corvette. Ken is not going to stay with me if I can’t support him in the style to which he’s be- come accustomed.

MIDGE I’m sure there are other career options open for you. 5. BARBIE You think I’d be working in this cafeteria hell if there was ANY other career option?

(MIDGE and BARBIE remove their hairnets and aprons and return them to the box. MIDGE ex- its and BARBIE removes a pink bathrobe and a shot glass. She puts on the bathrobe and takes a drink from the glass, KEN, dressed in black pants and a white shirt enters carrying a suitcase marked “Ken’s accessories”)

KEN Barbie we need to talk.

BARBIE (Slightly slurred as if drunk) Ken, let me guess, it has something to do with the suitcase. Are we going on a trip?

KEN I’m moving out, I want a divorce.

BARBIE You’re joking, there’s no “Divorcee’ Barbie.”

KEN You can be “Swinging Single Barbie” again.

BARBIE I don’t want to be “Swinging Single Barbie”, I want to be “Happy Homemaker Barbie.”

KEN You don’t take care of this house, you don’t cook or clean or take care of your outrageously ex- pensive wardrobe, I do and right now there are piles of discarded pink ensembles stuffed in the closet and two dozen mismatched pairs of high heels stuffed under the bed. You’ve never washed a piece of clothing that you’ve owned.

BARBIE That’s because I’m a liberated doll and I don’t sweat; I’ve had dozens of careers, I’ve been an astronaut, a doctor, a nurse, a vet. My career choices would fll an entire aisle at Wal-Mart at Christmas.

KEN Those weren’t careers, those were outfts with accessories. Wearing a stethoscope does not make you a doctor.

BARBIE And what have you done?

KEN Nothing but stand in your shadow for years, I’ve got to fnd my own identity. 6. BARBIE You have an identity, you were my devoted boyfriend and now you’re my devoted husband.

KEN Not feeling that whole devotion thing anymore. Let’s face it, you’re totally plastic, I want a real woman, I want children.

BARBIE No one would have ever bought Preggers Barbie, or Postpartum Depressed Barbie.

KEN Just like they wouldn’t buy menopausal Barbie and you are out of a job. It’s not too late, we could still have a real life.

BARBIE I don’t want a real life, I want to be the reason that little spoiled girls throw tantrums until their parents cave and spend outrageous amounts of money on pink junk their daughters have been force fed a thousand times in horribly manipulative commercials. I used to be bigger than the Kardashians and I still look more life like than they do.

KEN And that’s why I want a divorce. Barbie, we both need to move on. We have to be out of the dream house by next Wednesday and Midge told me about the fasco at the lunchroom.

BARBIE You’re talking to Midge?

KEN She’s concerned about you, she’s your best friend.

BARBIE My former best friend, she fred me.

KEN Not without plenty of reasons. (BEAT) Look, its best if you hear this from me, Midge has invited me to move in with her. She’ll be here in a few minutes to pick me up.

BARBIE Gigolo Ken.

KEN It’s not like that, I’ve gotten a job.

BARBIE (Incredulous) You got a job? Doing what? 7. KEN Law Enforcement.

BARBIE You a cop? I don’t believe it.

KEN Technically I’m not going to be a police person but its related. My actual title is Assistant Recre- ational Rules Enforcement Offcer.

BARBIE Playground Patrol at the Elementary School.

KEN When you say it, it doesn’t sound that impressive.

BARBIE I see Midge’s hand at work here.

KEN She did speak to the principal.

BARBIE Fired me and stole my husband, that bitch.

KEN Barbie doesn’t curse.

BARBIE Old, divorced, friendless, unemployed, broke Barbie sure as hell does. (KEN shakes his head in disgust, places his suitcase on the table, opens it and removes a po- lice offcer’s hat, badge, whistle on a rope and a clip-on tie. He puts on the hat, badge, whistle and tie. BARBIE takes off her robe, puts on a ton of cheap jewelry and a tattered pink boa, a lipstick, and a pack of candy cigarettes. She puts on an extravagant amount of lipstick and then she begins to “smoke” one)

KEN Miss, Miss, no smoking on school property!

BARBIE I’m not really smoking, its a candy cigarette.

KEN No pretending to smoke on school property, it sends the wrong message. (BARBIE eats the candy cigarette) Who are you and why are you hanging out on the playground during school hours? 8. BARBIE Just looking for a little companionship Offcer. (KEN comes closer and stares at her)

KEN Barbie is that you?

BARBIE Yeah it’s me, just hoping I could fnd a little girl desperate enough to play with me. A little make believe action.

KEN You look like you just got pulled from the bottom of the discount bin at Dollar General. Oh how the great have fallen, you were the original material girl.

BARBIE Madonna and me, both past our prime. Times are tough, my sequins are falling off, my feathers are fat and I’m living in an old shoebox, but obviously times aren’t too tough for you. You look good, very offcial.

KEN (Proudly) I like being Offcer Ken. (Holds up Whistle) I have a whistle. (Blows it a couple of time)

BARBIE Things good with you and Midge?

KEN The wedding was really nice, low key and tasteful. Midge wore a pearl gray suit and pumps and I wore a three piece pinstripe with matching tie and pocket square. Now we’re adopting two Bratz Dolls, see if we can turn them around, give them a stable home.

BARBIE Got that real life you were looking for, lucky you. But we did have some good times didn’t we?

KEN Sure we did Barb, fantastic and fashionable, we were a dream couple but that’s all ancient his- tory now. You’re going to have to move along. It’s my job to keep the undesirable element away from the kids.

BARBIE And I’m the undesirable element. I understand. I’m just not sure where I’m going to go, back to the shoebox I guess, but I’m so lonely.

KEN Why don’t you come by the house sometime, have dinner with Midge and me, meet the girls. 9. BARBIE Like that’s going to happen, I still have my pride Ken. (BARBIE gives KEN a hug, which he accepts very stiffy) See you around big guy. (BARBIE exits dejectedly. MIDGE enters wearing a black veil and carrying a suit coat which she gives to KEN, he removes his badge and hat and puts the coat on. The two link arms)

KEN I can’t believe she’s dead.

MIDGE She’s been in the express lane on the highway to hell since she turned 50. Mattel fred her, I fred her, she lost the dream house and the Corvette, you divorced her and last month you ar- rested her for prostitution.

KEN I didn’t arrest her for prostitution, I just asked her to move away from the playground. I tried to counsel her, she was depressed.

MIDGE You knew her better than anybody, what do you really think caused the breakdown?

KEN She was just really sad and disappointed with how things turned out.

MIDGE I think it was in poor taste that they had an open casket.

KEN They couldn’t close it, she still had that tremendous chest. If breasts were mountains, hers would have been the Himalayas.

MIDGE I can’t believe you said that about your recently deceased ex-wife.

KEN You can’t take that away from her, her fgure was still terrifc. With the 48 double d’s and her 18 inch waist, it was a wonder that she could even stand erect.

MIDGE Never wore a bra and still they didn’t sag.

KEN True twin peaks. She looked so good on the outside that she was having a hard time accepting the reality of getting older. The garbage man who found her said she threw herself in front of that big wheel. 10. MIDGE That toddler couldn’t stop. He said she might have been saved but her head popped right off and rolled down the sewer.

KEN With the open casket it was so creepy with just that plastic knob above her shoulders.

MIDGE (Starting to fake cry) And now she’ll be on the island of unwanted toys forever.

KEN The last chapter of the Barbie Chronicles, “Barbie permanently checks out”. She left us here behind to pick up the pieces.

MIDGE Never fnding out we bought the dream house and dream Corvette at auction.

KEN The whole Barbie line is being revived as retro chic and I’m still her legal heir. Mattel says it’s going to be bigger and better than ever.

MIDGE They’re talking about a web series and maybe a reality show. Oh look, there’s the Mattel vice president of marketing. It was so nice he came to pay his respects. Yoo Hoo! (Waves as she heads off stage and drags Ken with her. A “Barbie Head” rolls across the stage)

PLAY ENDS