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The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1052 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 27 FEBRUARY 2003 free

ELECTION SPECIAL 12 PAGE PULL-OUT SECTION

The manifestos of each pages 2-7 ElectionSpecial sabb elections pages 8-9

nus delegates pages 10-11 candidate in both the referendum page 12 this * voting info is “ the sabbatical and NUS “future of delegate elections | ussu Welcome to the barefacts elections special. This pull-out contains 500 live in town) and the time and of the manifestos of the candidates all space to chat about it all in a p for the sabbatical elections and forum is gone. Students’ Unionsublic for prospective delegates to N can and should provide a conference, as well as details US and space simply for people platform to concerning how and where to vote. explore and understand the nature Be sure to read through each of of their own experiences, as we the manifestos of the positions introducing us to others. ll as centre pages that interest you the most and decide who Second comes the notion of injus you think will represent you best as Take the email conversation of thetice. a sabbatical officer/delegate over two school friends separated into next academic year. Universities. After the usual “how’s2 A question most people pose it going” stuff, one may ask how themselves at election time much the pints are in the others’ bother?” It is a valid questionis and “why union bar. Whoever has the lowest one that is particularly significant one will get a sense of injustice here at UniS because of the about that experience. Yet in placement timing. What follows is a public forum and sphere (ie where the discourse concerning student apath the students’ union is hosting a and a document, therefore, that is y meeting or printing the paper), there significant to one and all at th is rarely a sense given to students as some would have us all believe,is, that their experience is unj “crucial time.” continued page 4 ust. If students’ unions believed that students havehave a always right to control/influence their own lives a surroundings (if not future), then ndwe papervoting must ask how and why people com Lecture theatres electronicvoting to care enough to take that action. e monday: 10 - 4pm This year sees electronice intro The action is action outside of the tuesday: 10 - 4pm duced for what is thought to be- the 2. To vote, click on the confines of usual routine, outside o wednesday: no voting first (successful) time ever in stu vote link. the realms of what everyone does orf thursday: 10 - 4pm dents’ union elections. It is a very- 3. Enter your URN number (given what we do each week. We eat ever friday: 10 - 12noon simple process that the voter needs on your campus card) and the other day. We don’t vote. y to undertake in order to register prompted piece of information (for The first step is experienc Chancellor’s their vote and is absolutely guaran security and record purposes). REFEREN Students must first refle e. monday: 12 - 2pm teed to be secure from tampering. - ct upon the NUS - experience they have as students, or tuesday: 12 - 2pm Below are the instructions to follo 4. A voting form for each position perhaps the experience others have wednesday: no voting should you wish to register y w will come up on screen. Enter your as poorer students, or as poverty thursday: 12 - 2pm vote electronically. our preference for a position before stricken inhabitants of the third and If you have any problems with moving on to the next position. world, etc. This is in itself a dif monday: 6 - 8pm the website, please contact Scott step. For a start, we as people rarelyficult tuesday: 6 - 8pm Farmer ([email protected]) or 5. Once you have entered your vot have the time to reflect upon ou wednesday: no evening vote check the bulletin board for f.a.q’ for each position, click e own experience. So packed is the r thursday: 6 - 8pm s. cast your vote. Followingsubmit this, youto busy schedule with work and play, 1. Click the will not be able to access the voting elections link from the that the time to reflect upon it all There will also be other voting front of www.ussu.co.uk part of the website. DUM YES OR NO is going and gone. This is truer the stations around campus, details www.ussu.co.uk/elections03 or visit : ? further down the financial ladder of which will be released as soo . Please note that once you have go. Add in modularisation of courseswe as they become known. Pleasen You will be greeted by the USSU started entering your preferences, and increased density and mobilit check the bulletin board on elections site, where you can navi you cannot stop and come back at of the population (no longer do 10 y gate around and look at the mani - a later time, otherwise your vote www.ussu.co.uk and the Students’ students on a course live in hal Union notice boards for further festo of any candidate nominate - will become void. It should onl l- information. listen to a clip of their responsesd at or take two minutes so please p y Should USSU con- question time. vere when voting on-line. erse- tinue to affi liate to the NUS? The ar guments for and against such a possible move pull-out section | pages 10 & 11

OPINION: WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT? The student view | pages 6 & 7

IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER

The possibilities with Iraq Further analysis of the situation in Iraq and how the British public have reacted to the possibility of war Opinion | page 2 This is Teraclub A short-story from Ben Supper: what goes on at superclub Teraclub is for the proprie- THIS EDITION OF bar efacts sees the launch Our goals are highlighted in the title of the tor to determine only | pages 8 & 9 of the “lights. camera. action” campaign campaign and our intentions are explained The campaign objectives to see something done about the safety in full in the column on the left. The objectives of the “lights. camera. ac- Volunteering opportunities concerns associated with the thr ee under- It is the right of every student to feel safe as tion” campaign” ar e split into two parts. Alli Cummings brings you five new op- passes on the UniSport side of campus. they make their way to or from campus, be First of all, we call for: portunities to volunteer with her look at the Following the latest in a series of attacks it for lectures, food or leisure activities. It V-project at the moment | page 11 last week on students as they make their is not acceptable that incidents are allowed way through either the underpass towards to occur with alarming regularity and noth - adequate and reliable lighting in all Jackass: the movie Southway or the long tunnel towards Tes - ing be done about it. The “lights. camera. underpasses Paul Wright reviews the Jackass movie and cos, enough is finally enough and we be - action” campaign will address all concerns lieve, along with the Students’ Union, that associated with safety and these oprrying installation of cameras in the gets some gossip on Johnny Knoxville and Southway and Tescos underpass some of the others barearts | page 16 something has to be done before a serious underpasses. As such, we ask you to contact incident is allowed to occur. us with any incidents you have experienced Life after the womb or encourage others to get in touch. We also regular maintenance work on all lighting and camera equipment Rik Mayall talks exclusively to barearts encourage you to get in touch with the lo - about theatre, comedy and his new lease of WHAT WE WILL DO cal MP, university officials, the local press, (funny) life barearts | pages 20 &21 university security, the police - anyone you The above objectives ar e the very least we pr esent a petition to the council signed by think can make a dif ference. expect fr om this campaign. Further to UniS bring home the Federal Cup students who ar e affected by these safety is - To get you started, Sue Doughty, the local these, and taking account of the Univer- A report from last week’s Federal Cup and sues concerning the underpasses MP, will be available on Friday, 28th Febru- sity’s planned develpoment at the Manor the conribution made to it by those chaps ary between 5-7pm in the Students’ Union Park campus, we will push for: known as men’s football Sport | page 28 if you would like to ask her about this issue. highlight the concern of the student body to a pedestrian bridge to be built over university officials barefacts will publish an interview with her next week. the A3 to replace the current under- Next week’s edition will also see a history pass to Southway write letters to local counsellors highlight - of safety problems with the underpasses, as ing the hazards of the underpass r egion well as a more detailed look at the objectives a “sister” bridge to be built over the of the “lights. camera. action” campaign. A Tescos underpass contact the local pr ess for their support petition to present to the local council will be circulating soon and we ask you to sup - adequate provision for the safe port this campaign, because, as the univer - transition of students from the Manor cr eate a dir ectory of incidents associated with the underpasses and pr esent this dossier sity moves towards its Manor Park phase, Park site to the Stag Hill campus at to the council as well as publish each case the issue of these underpasses and safety any time of day of f-campus has never been so vital. 2 NEWS 27 February 2003 Research funding stuck at a fork in the road White paper still being jingled about BY PHILIP HOWARD department included – joint 14th. If the NEWS EDITOR “5*A” method was used, Surrey would have BY PHILIP HOWARD 3 departments gaining ‘an uplift in funds’, NEWS EDITOR IN THE BACKWASH from the White Paper, the at joint 12th – on a par with Imperial College method of rating universities in order to give London and Manchester, and with a total of THE NUS HAS received news of a rethink out research funding is at a fork in the road. 150 departments in 43 institutions. on fees for poorer students with mixed The amount of funding to be doled out to With the money being allocated in less than feelings. In a press release which criticised universities is based on their performance in two weeks for distribution over the summer, “yet another government u-turn before the RAE research ratings, which have happened the 150 departments will be on tenterhooks. white paper is even introduced”, but has also in 1996 and 2001. This funding is likely to cause a lot of “welcomed the news with caution”. The point in question is the White Paper’s shakeup to occur, not least because of the Charles Clarke suggested earlier this month proposed 6* standard, for top performing expectations that leading universities will that tuition fees might be waived for the research universities. Under the Higher poach ‘promising departments from weaker poorest students entirely, rather than just Education Funding Council for England’s institutions to secure the 6* research rating’, a government contribution, in an online preferred approach, the “double 5*” (as the reported by the THES. Apparently the education forum on the BBCi. THES calls it), 6* status would be awarded business analyst KPMG warned that strong NUS President Mandy Telford said: “After to departments that attained 5* status in both departments in less generally research- waiting for 15 months for the government to the 1996 and 2001 assessments. However, based institutions could be ‘lured’ wholesale finally come up with its proposals for higher the government’s favoured alternative, the by better pay and facilities. Says KPMG; education we thought they may have been “5*A”, has departments that entered more this “will obviously have an impact on the a little better thought out. Since the paper than 95% of their staff and attained a 5* in teaching provision and marketing of that was released last month they have already the 2001 assessment. subject area and might ultimately damage backtracked on claims that 30 per cent of The “double 5*” would benefit fewer the viability of the whole institution.” students would receive a grant, due to their universities, however, with 100 departments Clearly the best news for Surrey would data being out of date.” in 33 universities attaining this status, be that the “5*A” scheme is adopted, even “We have always maintained that increasing and under which Surrey would have 1 though it is only to be used for one year. tuition fees would be a disaster. We were amazed that the government opted to bring back a nominal grant and abolish up-front fees, yet actually raise the cost of going to Margaret Hodge says of ‘Mickey Mouse’ courses: “Grow up or pay out” university. The new policies hare highly contradictory and the minister’s comments MARGARET HODGE HAS condemned BY PHILIP HOWARD prime reason for dropping out is the course. today will have done little to convince universities which offer ‘Mickey Mouse’ NEWS EDITOR I accept that there are other issues involved, students that the government is any closer to degrees for their high dropout rates, citing but equally there are issues that universities knowing what it wants for higher education the course as the main reason for dropping high dropout rates, saying that the main have to think about and address”. than it was 15 months ago”. out and threatening financial penalties on reason students dropped out was hardship. Ms Hodge said that the universities’ The apparent change in policy has not been universities that “fail to meet their dropout Talking to the THES, she said: “We talk response was “slightly insular, defensive commented on by the government. benchmarks”. about universities being autonomous bodies and interim”. She warned that she would be Attacking courses that lack intellectual with academic freedoms, but responsibility “bearing down on those that fail to hit their rigour and have little relevance to the goes along with that power. It is an issue dropout benchmarks” as she tried to ensure job market, Hodge has angered many by of importance we have to address. Most of that institutions admitted a fair proportion of associating ‘Mickey Mouse’ degrees with the research I have looked at shows that the students from poorer backgrounds.

Cigarette machines may seriously harm your health

BY PHILIP HOWARD NEWS EDITOR

A GERMAN SMOKER could be forgiven for thinking that the universe was trying to make him quit recently. When a cigarette machine failed to give him the cigarettes he had paid for, he started to hit the machine with his hand, whereupon the machine and a large section of the wall that held it collapsed on top of him. The man was freed by passers by and later left hospital with only cuts and bruises. barefacts would like to warn against the health risks of cigarettes, regardless of whether you smoke them, it would seem.

NOTICES Kendo AGM - Wed 5th March - 7.45pm - UniSport

Christian Union AGM 6th March 7.30pm Wates House, Tree Tops Cafe 27 February 2003 NEWS 3 Postgraduate access and debt worries ignored by government ministers

THE GOVERNMENT IS ignoring access issues BY PHILIP HOWARD Council warned, after the White Paper came at postgraduate level, claims the UK’s NEWS EDITOR out, that “Any increase in the scale of debt graduate education think tank, the UK at graduation may deter young graduates to Council for Graduate Education, calling wasn’t much discussion about postgraduates take on further study”. for inclusion of postgrads into the access in the white paper. But she didn’t address According to the THES, the demographic of debate. It also warned that concentrating the potential impact”. Fears abound that graduates going on to postgrad degrees and research and changing research-degree the access and debt problems of postgrad PhD is already skewed towards higher social awarding powers “could be disastrous for students will be lost in the government’s classes, from data compiled by the Higher students in institution outside the research drive for participation levels for 18 year Education Statistics Agency. Professor elite”, reports the THES. olds. Ms Hodge passed the buck of waiving Green warned that the government’s At the UK Council for Graduate Education’s fees for those who continue on to become proposals assume many institutions will pull annual conference, Margaret Hodge failed to researchers to employers, saying “It is up to out of the PhD market, creating problems for allay fears over postgrad access, pointing to individual employers to decide if they want the growing number of part time postgrads an 18% rise in numbers since 1996 as a sign to make a contribution towards paying off who are limited by mobility as they hold that the introduction of fees had not harmed student debts”. Professor Green, however, down jobs or raise families. intake. The Council’s chair, Howard Green, doesn’t believe that there is sufficient said: “The minister agreed there funding for universities to do this. The Right: Margaret Hodge (star of this week’s news)

£12m worth of new research funds for UniS This year’s Darwin award nominations BY PHILIP HOWARD in love at first sight or shall I walk past you BY RICHARD WATTS NEWS EDITOR again”. barefacts would like to warn the male populous against the worst five: “How UNIS WILL RECEIVE £12m worth of additional THE (IN)FAMOUS DARWIN Awards have do you like your eggs? Fertilised”, “Get you funds from the Government’s latest Science announced the early nominees. Contenders coat love, you’ve pulled”, “Is that a ladder Research Investment Fund (SRIF) allocation include a man whose can broke down on in your tights or the stairway to heaven?”, to spend across the institution in line with the motorway, left his car, and ended up on “This body leaves in five minutes, be on the research strategy. the railway tracks. The driver of the fateful it” and “Your clothes would look great on Vice-Chancellor Professor Patrick Dowling, train saw him standing on the track, holding my bedroom floor”. Clearly the female said: “The funds marks a further recognition a mobile phone to his ear and cupping his contingent is more interested in a drink than of the world class research capability of the hand to the other ear to block the noise of a stage performance, although there may be University and positions us as fourth in the the train. an element of “the shorter the line, the fewer south east region and 22nd in the UK in Also up for one of the posthumous awards chances to mess it up”, ventures barefacts. terms of the size of SRIF allocation. is a man who was reprimanded by a police cadet for his dog not having a leash or muzzle. In the ensuing argument, the man took out a grenade and threw it at the cadet. Not having a leash or a muzzle, the dog faithfully retrieved the grenade. Another of the many listed was a Mohave County Jail inmate, who defecated on his Wewww.funkyberry.com intend to continue delivering the highest cell floor, slipped in his own faeces, struck quality research to benefit all spheres of his head on the ground, and died. society and industry with these new funds.” The Darwin Awards posthumously honour Bids will be sought from research teams those who improve our gene pool by within the university and the funds will removing themselves from it. be allocated according to their quality, In other news: according to a survey of relevance and application for society. In 1,000 young adults by Snack-a-Jacks, the particular, the University anticipate making most successful chat up line is… “Can I buy a major contribution through the work you a drink?”. The rest of the top five were this money will fund to developing key “You don’t know me but I dreamt about you technologies identified by the Government. last night”, “Did it hurt when you fell from Surrey received £7m in the 2002 SRIF heaven?”,”Can I buy you a drink or do you allocation. just want the money” and “Do you believe

Legionella bacteria removed from Battersea Court

BY RICHARD WATTS Richard Paxton, the head of accommodation, apologised for any inconvenience caused AS REPORTED ON the front page last week, test in several e-mails to the university traces of Legionella bacteria were detected community. in in the hot water supply of Battersea Court a Legionella bacteria can cause legionellosis routine water quality. As a precaution, the or Pontiac fever, but the risk is low for hot water system was turned off and students normally healthy young people, unless they were advised not to use water from the hot are immune suppressed. The incubation taps or in showers until further notice. The period is 2 to 10 days and the first symptoms DUMB cold water supply was deemed as safe to use are flu-like, with fever, muscle aches, as normal. abdominal pain and coughing. If any The hot water system was chlorinated last students suffer any of these symptoms STUFF Wednesday morning and visits to every please contact the Health Centre where there room in Battersea Court performed so that are staff on duty 24 hours a day. chlorine was drawn through the whole system. This process finished at around 3pm For further information about Legionella paul wright reviews jackass on Friday afternoon. please see www.phls.co.uk. 4 OPINION 27 February 2003

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected]

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE Dear barefacts, be seen just as equally so people can make UNIVERSITY OF SURREY autonomous decisions. GUILDFORD GU2 7XH It is cowardly to pull down other societies WWW.USSU.CO.UK posters on campus. Its shows just how Yours, afraid you are of the opposition and that DANIELLA HOW you don’t know how to face them. Those societies have a very good idea of just who The letter printed below was sent to barefacts at This is the start of something you are, so do you really want to be known the start of the week. I have since received a copy as the more ineffectual opponent? As they of the Guildford Messenger from Rachael Bemrose leave yours up can you not, in the good will (thanks Rachael!) and have been in touch with the local Tory camp to ask for a correction. Rich Watts everyone should be concerned with we hope the campus lives in, leave theirs to

In this very column last week, barefacts information about their experiences, inform Dear barefacts, Perhaps Mike will plead ignorance and said that something needed to be done, and those with the power to change those experi- reply, dismissing the fraudulent statement been done it has been, for the launch of ences and tell them to do it. I did not realise that Sarah Butterworth as a typo. Even if this were true, it would the “lights. camera. action” campaign on Friday sees an ideal opportunity for stu- had resigned and we had a new editor! highlight even more the incompetence of the front page this week is the first step of dents to start that process by coming along Probably because I haven’t seen him at any the party that like to think they will be back many to ensuring students can walk safely to see Sue Doughty, the local MP, to see editorial meetings, nor has he written any in government in a few years. If they can’t off-campus towards the Park Barn area of what she is going to do on the matter. She articles since I began writing for Barefacts. get a 4-question interview right, how do Guildford. is available between 5 and 7pm in the Stu- Funnily enough, Sarah doesn’t know about we expect them to run our country? It is The specific goals are targeted such that dents’ Union. it either! Is this actually true? For lo and common knowledge that the traditionalist they install a measure of safety and security This newspaper will continue to run the behold, Mike Chambers (the Saviour of the views of the Conservative party are heavily for anyone walking in that area and will, if campaign until it is happy something has Tories) in a recent interview told all that he outdated, but perhaps the truth also lies in listened to and acted upon, eradicate the is- been done: until, at the very least, adequate was “editor of the newspaper ‘Barefacts’”. the fact that they aren’t as well educated or sue of attacks that crops up time and time lighting is provided, cameras are installed After his first letter condemning the ‘Blair/ “elitist” as they make themselves out to be. again, year after year. and the possibility of a bridge is at least Saddam’ joke article in Barefacts during Rag So Mr Chambers, more “fanmail” to add The steps required are obvious: make the discussed. Student safety will once again Week, Mr Chambers seems to think that his to your collection. Your reply last week student population aware of the issue, gather become a priority and not a reaction. contributions are worthy of yet another title! sounded quite cool and calm, although I To add to the embarrassment, it appeared in hear from sources that the look on your face the most illiterate excuse for a newspaper was quite classic in Chancellors when you that I have ever read – The Guildford “Tory- read the replies. It’s a shame I never got to The elections are well and truly go cry-for-help” Messenger. see it. Is this typical of the Conservative party People are wearing badges, chalk-writing has no stereotype - it has no one way of can I ask? Do they fabricate as much CHRIS WARD adorns innocent paving slabs and the lecture doing things. One thing worth considering myth as Mr Chambers did in his interview? LITERATURE EDITOR theatres have become works of art in the is this very paper - whoever takes the role field of postering: we can all safely assume for VP Communications & Marketing will that the elections process has started up once be responsible for it and what it looks like. again. This week’s paper is a little thicker If you are reading this (which you are) then The British public are the losers of than usual because of the 12-page special that might be a starting point. that contains the manifestos of each candi- All that barefacts implores you to do is Tory in-fighting date for each position - both sabbatical elec- make up your own mind - base your vote on tions and NUS delegates. It is worth having who you think will do what you would want MICHAEL PORTILLO IS funding proposals which PAUL CANNING a look through and seeing who is thinking of of them and whose manifesto pledges are apparently a cancer within fundamentally undermine doing what, even if you don’t think you’d be things you would like to see happen in the the Conservative Party, or at the next generation of interested, if not for the fact that you might Union. The elections are often cast as noth- least that’s what Ian Duncan “If the Tories cannot get skilled workers in this their house in order then a find something that will interest you. ing more than a popularity contest. Perhaps Smith is being quoted as country, crumbling transport chubby Scotsman will take Aside from that, what might the elections this may be true, but if you check out the saying over the weekend. – the list goes on. the government to task.” really mean for you? It’s a difficult question candidates’ policies, at least you can make This follows the recent Ineffective opposition to answer because the student experience an informed choice. dismissal of a number of means that the government key modernises within Tory central office essentially have free rein on pushing through by IDS, as he believed they were not loyal whatever policies they wish, without to his leadership and were working against clear and concise communication from Congratulations to all the sporting folk him. the opposition, their messages fail to get Yet another bout of Tory handbags at 20 through. The Liberal Democrats realise that If you asked the majority of students on campus what the federation is all about, they’d men- paces is of little interest to most people, the by setting their stand out as the “constructive tion something about Star Trek and go merrily on their way, but don’t let that get in the way key problem is that the party is still yet to opposition”; they have a unique opportunity of a good cause for celebration. Though there is a basic lack of knowledge about this Federal fully come to terms with the fact that they to become the official party of opposition in University of Surrey entity, there is no lack of knowledge concerning the quality, ability and are no longer in government, but in fact are the not too distant future. There is no divine performances of the sports teams of UniS week in week out, and this last week has seen yet now the opposition party. If you believe the right for political parties to exist forever, another success: they brought the Federal Cup home. press reports, then a leadership challenge longstanding political parties in other Though it is a relatively low-key event across the university community, the Federal Cup in the coming months is as inevitable as countries have disappeared before and it can represents a collaboration between USSU and the equivalent at Roehampton and for that the Iraq war, but whilst this drags on and happen again. alon the sports people must be congratulated for contributing to a new relationship that, in 20 on, the real losers are the British public If the Tories cannot get their house in years, may be as strong as the link between an Imperial and ULU, for example. at large. Not only is IDS the leader of the order soon, and start properly taking the What we must ensure, however, is that we always keep our hands on the cup. Being friends Conservative Party, but also the leader of the government to task, then a chubby ginger is nice, but being victorious is always better. opposition in Parliament. This means that Scotsman will. Should you think that this all the primary function of he and his shadow sounds a bit melodramatic, then those of you cabinet is to challenge and scrutinise what planning to graduate in the not so distant the government is doing, and take them to future and stay around in Guildford may THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK task when they screw things up. Put simply, get a shock when your first council tax bill this is not happening; council tax bills drops through the letterbox or when it takes “Ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors to bullets.” ballooning by almost 20% in many parts you an hour and a half to get to work. ABRAHAM LINCOLN (1809 - 1865), POLITICIAN of the shire counties, the new university [email protected] 27 February 2003 OPINION 5 This was a demonstration of a new breed of political apathy Philip Howard remains unconvinced by the unqualified statement of “Stop the War”

It was a historic day. A million people, that there was a simple choice decisions of the UN, giving up the stairs and refusing to eat anything, is 2% of the population were in one place, at between not going to war the green light to dictators, regardless of what the right thing to do was, one time. In a train of people that took over and just starting a war for no and most importantly of all: and displaying complete ignorance of it. 5 hours for the tail end to reach Hyde Park, reason. And I’m sure there are condemning the Iraqi people I could have been persuaded by 2 million people from all walks of like, all faiths, all people reading this who think to more sanctions, more people that there was an alternative to war, races marched as one statement. Or so they’d exactly the same, that the war hunger, more oppression. that there was another way, that there was have us believe. I’m not really interested in is just the US starting a fight This is like the choice some concrete reason not to attack. But I the unqualified statement ‘Stop the War’. To with a country that we have between intervening or not didn’t see a single one. I saw a seething PHILIP HOWARD convince me, there must be reasoning. And no reason to go to war with. when you see a parent beating mass of people drowning in their own I’m afraid the answers people have given do That, my dear reader, is sheer, their child; it is not without hypocrisy, delirious with their own selfish not convince me. unadulterated, 100% proof, “To convince me, there consequence, regardless of cause, and ignorant of the truth. This was not In the biggest march of these times, wholegrain, all-the-options, must be reasoning - and I’m your choice. a resurgence in political awareness, this was the country finally remembered political spare-no-expense-for-my- afraid the answers people The fact that a million people a resurgence in political activism coupled to activism. They realised that they had a darling crap. I was on the have do not convince me.” turned up to remember the old complete apathy. They were willing to go, vote, even though over 40% didn’t bother verge of criticising Blair for days when they would stage willing to march, willing to stand up for in June 2001. But is this a new resurgence going against public opinion, sit ins and smoke weed in what they believed. But they weren’t willing in political awareness, political action, when the marchers explained to me just how the face of the authorities. As disillusioned to listen to anyone else, they weren’t willing political interest in the UK? If you go by deluded they are. as you may be with the government, it isn’t to see the truth, and they definitely weren’t the numbers, yes it is. But I saw, in the The choice is this. Go to war, kill thousands clever or peace-loving to just rebel against willing to talk about the politics. answers the marchers gave as to why they of people, kill or oust Saddam Hussein, and one policy under the banner of peace. That’s The rebellious teenager is in danger of were there, a political arrogance and little risk relations between Islam and the West; or twisting the cause of peace to meet your own becoming a delirious anorexic. This is a new awareness. Most of the marchers seemed to don’t go. But don’t go is not a choice without ends, which is immature and displays no sort of apathy. be there as a statement of somehow making consequences, it means playing games political awareness. The public has become a statement for peace over war, as though with Saddam for longer, rubbishing the a collective gloomy teenager, stamping [email protected]

An inflated sense of self-worth perpetuated by daddy’s cash Do private schools get their knickers in a twist over their students’ prospects of attending top-flight institutions?

THERE IS A certain element of familiarity with wider implications brought need to educate themselves schools were a good idea in principle, for at the news every time I turn to a newspaper about by this case. and possess a natural least they based their access on the ability recently or reach for the on-switch of a First of all: what is the curiosity to overcome social of the students involved as opposed to the television. The front page will invariably fuss about? Cambridge is barriers as opposed to one money in their parent’s wallets. greet me with the latest development on a far superior institution who possesses no such The unfortunate assumption to be drawn the Iraq front (or border, actually, now I in almost every right to academic zest. from this is that the persisting thought come to think about it), the next few pages Bristol and the candidate An oft repeated argument in the minds of some is that education is will contain analysis of the reasons why we in question would no doubt runs along the lines of a synonymous with exam-passing. This shouldn’t go to war, there will be a bit of have preferred Cambridge grade being a grade no matter is not the case and leads to a further RICHARD WATTS inflated American self-belief, a nod in the to Bristol. I’m sure most where it comes from. I pestering thought that, aside from the usual direction of Europe, some news or other students given those grades would have to disagree with exemptions, is enjoyable in its truth: an about Mr Mugabe or AIDS and then some and that choice would make “Private education is a sys- this. Take the case of the expensive education doesn’t equate to a observations based on all of the above. a similar choice. tem that helps academically student that works all day good education and it certainly doesn’t yield On other occasions, there are references And I’m sure that most mediocre students achieve and all night for an exam the best or most deserving of candidates. to home politics and nothing whatsoever on institutions, on the basis of reasonable grades.” who achieves the same mark Mr Dancey would do well to remember that the opposition, who are so out of kilter and an application form that has as the person who did five whilst he is putting his headmaster’s gown the nation’s consciousness that they don’t Oxbridge as a first choice, would draw a minutes revision before the exam started. on in before assembly. even generate the capital letter they once similar conclusion. They each have the same grade: yes; they did and no-one knows what their leader’s The problem here, then, is not that of each have the same intellectual ability: no. [email protected] name is, let alone how many “IÓs it has in Mr Singh and his 5 A’s - it is of the rest What a university is hoping to gleam from a it. (Incidentally, if people are serious about of the privately educated students whose candidates application form is some sort of the Prime Minister’s term as Premier ending parents have paid handsomely for expensive intellectual aptitude and desire, which good as a result given his stance over Iraq, they education and children that come out of it all grades only sometimes reflect. A clever in would do well to remember the Tories are with a B and a couple of C’s. These are the student from a state school is far more pro-war. Now there’s a lose-lose situation.) sixth-form students that their headmasters likely to have pushed themselves further All in all, it is really quite repetitive. Which will perceive to be victims of an “unfair” since their basic education - that which they is why it has been good to see a familiar interview system designed to increase receive in the classroom - has not pushed story rearing its head this last week that we access for less fortunate people; their their abilities as far as they can go. The normally see around the end of year exam precious statistics that I dare say would turn, statistics that demonstrate students from times. Cue Anirudh Singh - a boy rejected via some complicated equation, into school- private schools achieve far fewer Firsts at by Bristol University despite having 5 A’s at fees for the following year. I wonder: in the top-class institutions in relation to the their A-level, academic prizes galore and a mean eyes of admissions tutors at the well-thought state-school equivalents would seem to TOOTHPASTE? swing of a cricket bat that has seen him of universities which candidate they would corroborate this theory. play for Warwickshire U-19’s. According look more favourably on: can I suggest that So what is private education if nothing to his headmaster, Roger Dancey, despite they would view with more enthusiasm the but expensive? It is a system that helps having been accepted by Cambridge to candidate from a decrepit, poorly funded academically mediocre students achieve study economics, Mr Singh was declined comprehensive school or college with 3 reasonable grades. At the very least, it the opportunity of an interview at Bristol on B’s than a programmed exam-passer with gives people like Mr Dancey - our hard the basis that he was educated at a private the same grades from a well-known public done by headmaster - be able to off-load school. It seems that Mr Dancey has some school? This would, to their mind, surely any blame for mediocrity on to other people. rich w loves the tube | LATW p. 25 issues there, but let’s look at some of the represent a candidate who has developed the Such attitudes suggest to me that grammar 6 OPINION 27 February 2003 Plenty of style but not enough substance It is all very well having a pretty poster for the elec- tions, says Arvind Virdee, but if there is no policy behind them then what is the point?

I never considered myself apathetic was “Why the hell should I?” A little about student politics. It was just that, later, the answer “there’s no one else for most of my tenure here, there wasn’t to vote for” became apparent, but it much politics to be apathetic about. doesn’t really cut the mustard, and so I had a vague feeling that sabbatical comes as a handy reminder to me at this officers were supposed to be important, apparently crucial point: I was simply though no-one seemed to mention under the impression that if you run for them. Were they a mystical species of any kind of election, from President of household gnome who magically and the Solar System to Treasurer of the thanklessly arranged everything from Anti-Mormon Society, Salt Lake City You need a simple message when happen to give more than a Turkish lira union entertainments to the funding for chapter (a tiny group indeed) what you you’re trying to convince people to about this election. How many people the Extreme Tiddlywinks Society? An do first up is give people a better reason buy your brand of chocolate bar or don’t? How many of them are going to unholy fusion between Santa Claus and for voting for you than (say) the fact toilet paper, because this is a brain-dead actively ask you any specific questions? the Tooth Fairy? Damned if I knew. you can put your face on a Twinings decision, but it doesn’t work very well By the time this goes to print Question But one afternoon, I was in the packet. A stock retort here might be for politics. I’m all for the simple “Vote time will have happened, but I’m not kitchen of Rawson 3, helping 50% (that “We have Question Times in the union, for me!” as an introductory tactic, but optimistic as to how many people makes one) of my close friends make we have question-and-answer topics on this is not a university full of imbeciles. will actually turn up. On the whole, tea. He made the tea, I stood around the Bulletin Board, people can easily “Vote for me!” comes across pretty you candidates seem to be treating and watched. So much for division find out if they can be bothered..” My quickly, and then people are going to poster saturation as the bread and of labour. Anyway, Funkyberry of point exactly. People can’t be bothered. say “Yeah, got that. Why should I?” If butter of your campaigns, and the real all people happened to be in the From what I’ve heard from older, wiser you don’t give them an answer, people issues as bunting. If you want people room at the time, brainstorming by chaps and chapesses, turnout tends to will rightly conclude you are insulting to start giving a Nicaraguan Cordoba degrees and finally developing his be about 15%. In a good year. That’s their intelligence and forget all about (exchange rate 15,000 per US$) I signature teabag gimmick. During the worse than Italy, and you know what your silly election. suggest you look at it the other way ensuing conversation, all the minor they think of their government. I haven’t seen enough answers to round. Don’t wait till Question Time to reminders, the little details sitting in Claiming we can do nothing about “Why should I?”. One candidate did a start dealing with actual issues. Wave my subconscious concerning “election this, perhaps because student apathy very good poster outlining her position them in people’s faces. nominations” came bubbling to the about the elections stems from an and stuck it up near One Stop, but it There is something quite easy you surface. And as I left the room, my innate moral deficiency, or because was a little hard to read. I’ll give her can do to get started on this. It’s called friend exhorted the post-Thatcherist zeitgeist dictates the benefit of the doubt and assume a manifesto. If I was running for a me, in case I politics just ain’t sexy no more, is her space bar’s broken. (Incidentally, sabbatical post, I’d write down all my missed anything over-defensive hubris (Hubris? That’s someone had rearranged some of this policies so they’d fit on a page, stick a “That people think – Vote Chris a posh word for “bollocks”, everyone) particular candidate’s posters on the couple dozen copies round campus and Hunter! of the worst kind. I think the problem stucco near the launderette to spell THEN jack off making wacky pictures you need to put I’m sure is kind of staring me in the face. Most something totally inappropriate. This of myself in Photoshop. So perhaps this Funkyberry is of the candidates have been putting was low and unfunny, and I quickly copy of barefacts might enlighten us as a simple message a very worthy up dinky little posters with “Vote X” repaired it.) Another candidate did a to who is actually the best candidate for person and written underneath in and nice election- partial policy poster....the rest of them the job. across is rubbish: I’ve had no type puns and visual devices, all of it appear to be satisfied with sitting on Oh, and one last thing. Messrs Borneo evidence that he pretty short on anything significant their derrieres and waiting for people and Wright, tell us all, in your own it doesn’t work would make a or consequential. Plenty of style, not to ask them, either at Question Time or words, why it matters a Confederate particularly bad enough substance to wipe your bum on the Bulletin Board. That’s not going dollar either way whether USSU is very well with Societies and with. to happen. I can’t think of anything affiliated to the NUS or not. I’d love to Culture Secretary. “But that’s what people want,” moan specific to ask you (I’m not involved in hear it. And that’s not sarcasm. Really. politics.” Even so, my the amateur marketers, “you need to put running the union. I’m not up to speed initial reaction a simple message across.” Rubbish. on exactly what the sabbs do) and I election special: see pull-out section

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? 2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, editor in chief | richard watts [[email protected]] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about University of Surrey. it. editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the sarah butterworth [[email protected]] stewart fudge [[email protected]] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant deputy editor jolyon hunter [[email protected]] permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide position vacant photography editor All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. by their decision. news editor chris hunter [[email protected]] philip howard [[email protected]] literature editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editors chris ward [[email protected]] 1 Salisbury Square alex read [[email protected] sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB simon robinson [[email protected]] eddison ruswa [[email protected]] Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor lifestyle editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 rachael bemrose [[email protected]] morgan gooch [[email protected]] WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 27 February 2003 OPINION 7 Through the maze of the Union’s sabbatical elections process Continuing the elections theme, Duncan Hamilton points out all the usual suspects and suggests what effect at least two of the sabbaticals might have on your time here

HÄAGEN-DAZS 2 for 1! Ooh, it makes Candidate A rather than Candidate B live webcast. But I’m weird and the me tingly just typing that. Rarely gets in? Sports are largely the same fact is that those who get excited about has there been such joy in BOGOF from year to year with the annual the highlight of the Union’s political promotion as getting twice the amount moan about Wednesday lectures and year, those that genuinely care about of premium ice cream for the same the same old promises. Societies how competently the Union is run, wedge of the folding stuff. It doesn’t come and go. barefacts continues are in the minority. They’re the usual happen all that often, but when it does with (only) its dedicated hardcore of suspects of team captains, barefacts it signals a period of furious indulgence writers. Union spending will remain writers, GU2 presenters, stage crew, for lovers of cold dairy products like conservative to rebuild the reserves committee members and assorted me, the freezer is stocked with a wide and a President will sit on an endless other Union hacks who’ve probably range of delight and much creamy purgatory of committees. There will worked in Chancellors at some point. goodness is gormandized. Which still be no obvious answer to students They know all the candidates and most leaves some who are more distanced being victims off campus. The Union are probably on one campaign team or from such masticatory fun slightly another. And it all gets a bit bitchy bemused. For better or worse there are here and there because potential sabbs think just what the candidate hasn’t those who are strangers to this wonder. don’t tend to suddenly turn up out said because often that’s the biggest Perhaps they already have a rich and “Try to think just of nowhere taking an interest in the clue to who knows their Union Club varied diet, maybe they just don’t like Union. So this is our democracy: from their elbow. Above all remember ice cream. Possibly they are put off by what the candidate groups of friends voting for people that unlike national elections there is garish and inescapable advertising of they know. Not of course just them no pressure for a sabb to stick to their such glutton, supermarket employees hasn’t said: often but I’d say a good percentage of the manifesto once they get in, no national pouncing on them the moment they overall votes, and yet strangely it press to point out the failed promises enter the aisle letting them know just that’s the biggest doesn’t seem to matter. Last year (yes barefacts is technically editorially how important 2 for 1 ice cream is and all the people I felt were the best independent and no it doesn’t make how if they don’t stock up now they’ll clue to who knows candidates were voted in. So is your a jot of difference). You’re best off be missing out for months, after all the vote important? looking for good ideas rather than offer is only on for a few weeks! their Union Club Yes and no. If you don’t vote other the inevitable “I will find out what Meanwhile, elsewhere… from their elbow. people will. But a lot of those votes students want and give it to them” (yes No doubt the keener sighted readers will go to friends and acquaintances they do really think they can get away amongst you will have noticed this And don’t expect and might not be for the best with saying that. Tch). week’s barefacts has something of candidate and, whether you realise it And finally, if you don’t like ice a loose theme-ette, and if previous barefacts to point or not, everyone is affected in some cream stay the hell away from my years are anything to go by chances measure by what happens; you never special offer. I don’t need people like are you’ve already been told just how out the failed know when you might need to turn you casually buying up all the best important these elections are and you to the Welfare VP for help or need flavours only for that sugary bliss to sit owe it to yourself to take an interest promises.” the President’s representation for unheeded at the bottom of your freezer and vote. It is after all Your Union, an appeal. You never know when slowly growing that manky crystalline with Significant Capital Letters and your rent is about to get hiked up frost. You’ll probably end up taking everything. Did I mention just how won’t grind to a halt if you don’t vote, by well over the rate of inflation. the last of the Belgian Chocolate and important these elections are? Oh yes, no matter what the cohorts of various You never know when your toilets I’ll be stuck trying to tart up lousy good. Hmm, didn’t say why though candidates feverishly try to tell you. are going to spew forth excrement Vanilla with squirty sauce until the did I, well aside from being Your But I’m excited anyway. I get to making your accommodation even offer comes round again. If you’ve Union? What does Your Union mean write articles like this and think of more of a biohazard. But if you do really no interest please just leave it though to most students? Sports, devious questions to post on the succumb to my feeble plea for better to the connoisseurs, they’ll be sure to societies, WNO, FNO, beer, pool, Union bulletin board (a great source representation for the love of some enjoy it on your behalf. chance to get as wasted as you can of information and gossip if last divine being please get a clue first. It’s get away with for nine quid? I’ll let year was representative). Petty (and easy to do! election special: see pull-out section you prioritise those as you will but not so petty) allegations get thrown Read the manifestos. See who looks chances are there’s only one sabb round, mostly amongst presidential like they have a good grasp of what position that remotely affects you, candidates, and Question Time (no the job entails. Avoid like the plague or two if you read barefacts. Which longer Hustings ‘cos we’re all dumb) anyone who thinks they can affect beer in you do, obviously. Is it really that will see rounds of tricky questions prices or Union entertainment because next week earth-shatteringly important whether and probably some singing all on a it is categorically not their job. Try to THIS IS MY PLEDGE

what about last year’s sabbs? 8 FEATURE 27 February 2003

thisthis isis teraclteraclubub

You got the same lights, the same every opportunity to deride his new- wearing a miner’s lamp. Sam explains. sweaty dance floor, and the same old found fame, Sam is surprisingly ‘It’s the same idea as road tunnels. I got DJ nodding to himself in the corner. candid. He also has a sharp wit. He the idea from watching a documentary. Once you’d seen one you’d seen them recently refused to appear on the cover The bright lights prepare our customers all. Really high door prices, narky of Mixmag. After some attempts by for the Teraclub experience. We don’t bouncers, a fiver a bottle. Shitty little the editor to persuade him to appear want to damage anybody’s eyesight. kids getting in with knives. Going to in a four-page feature, he famously Certainly not again.’ by A HUGE RED plexiglass prism hangs a club in London today is like getting retorted, ‘I’m a nightclub owner, not There is the briefest, uncomfortable over Woking town centre. Its young mugged in slow motion. I love music, Peter f--king Stringfellow.’ silence. ‘Our door staff are there to ben proprietor, on the verge of bankruptcy but I started hating the big nightclubs. Since he is in talkative mood, I ask him assist our clientele. To protect them, supper not eighteen months ago, is not only I resented the staff, and the punters about the dancer who lost her eyeball and to keep the peace. They’re friends, wealthy now: he’s iconic. The building who were either dog-stupid or buzzing in his club. He freezes, and stares at me not enemies. So many bouncers in is Teraclub, and it is Britain’s first their tits off. They were barely worth like a rabbit at headlights. His glance London take an adversarial stance. We and only Hyperstimulation bar. The looking at, let alone pulling. You becomes disarmingly suspicious. Just don’t need that here. Anybody who Hyperstimulation phenomenon made couldn’t even talk to people anymore. as I am about to apologise and retract tries to get in to our club looking for its mark when the now legendary Something was obviously wrong. my question, finally he says, ‘There’s trouble is going to be disappointed. Mika club opened in Osaka in 1993. That’s why I started Teraclub.’ not a lot to say, really. We got a bit There won’t be any.’ It has torn through the Japanese Sam’s vision for the club was born careless with the video screens. It was So, that explains the pink suits the club scene like a tsunami.teraclub Today, four years ago when a school friend, really unfortunate. bouncers are wearing? ‘Yes. Black Hyperstimulation is a cult. There are backpacking through Japan, visited ‘This girl had been dancing all night. suits are intimidating and cliched; grey at least a dozen such venues in Tokyo the Mika nightclub one night. His According to witnesses she’d had a suits are superior and disapproving; alone. subsequent account of Mika made a few drinks, and it’s pretty certain she blue suits are miserable and political. Woking’s Teraclub was the brainchild profound impression on Sam. ‘This was off her box on Trec. There used to Pink is the way forward. It’s the most of 26-year-old Samuel Levi-Cooper scene couldn’t have started anywhere be a bit in the evening when everything friendly, non-threatening colour on the (‘call me Sam’). He explains his but Japan. The country was crying would just flash on and off in unison.nun planet. Can you think ofelderly a savagean pink story to me in The Arthritic Gaoler, out for Hyperstimulation. Like the The lights, video screens, lasers, animal? We’re the only one. That’s an unpretentious gastropub which has Japanese, the British are very repressed everything. Just for a minute or two. why you’ll bechocolate seeinga plenty moreeats of been doing brisk business since Sam culturally. And like the Japanese, we’re ‘That’s when it happened. Her eyeball those pink suits this evening.’ set up his club nearby. His evenings becoming obsessed with newness and just fell out of her head like this (Sam close- As the bouncersin wave us througheclair have rejuvenated Woking’s club gimmickry. Teraclub had to work here, demonstrates with an ice cube). She (‘All right, Sam?’) we encounter the scene. Unsurprisingly, many nightclub because everything’s got to be louder, didn’t even notice and is carried on cloakroom.image SearchlightsThat accelerateup. proprieters are now turning to him for faster, and shinier than whatever we dancing, but a couple of clubbers saw and decelerate rhythmically over advice. had before. And we’ve got to have it it all happen. The eyeball was flapping ourshattered heads. It’s like being insidesuddenly a ‘About five or six years ago, for a now. about on the end of a bundle of nerves. confused photocopier on ‘auto zoom’. whole load of people, the big clubs ‘I just happened to make the Totallyshattered harmless. But eventually, suddenly is The cloakroomimage spinning attendant, a wearingby stopped being exciting,’ explains connection between Mika and my everyone saw it, and of course the deep cherry shades, takes our coats Sam. ‘It didn’t matter where you went. feeling that I was outgrowing the whole thing just got out of hand.’ withoutalmost soMar mucham of I as a gesture. bust There print. Warhol a like coloured Thatcher, garet superclubs. By bombarding clubbers I stare at my bacon sandwich. It stares are no tickets issued here, since the with quickly changing sounds and back. The rest of story is familiar.the cloakroomthat attendants are selectedcertain visuals, the Hyperstimulation concept The tabloids launched a knee-jerk for their memory. Sam explains that an elderly nun compels people to react and adapt campaign that almost destroyedeinstein delayed CCTV footage of theSchroedinger room quickly to their surroundings. There’s Teraclub. The business was ordered is relayed into two television screens, eats a chocolate no fixed reference point. I hoped to pay for medical expenses and so flashes that attendants are automaticallyequation that that would bring people out of counselling. Then a white paper was reminded a particular exchange of eclair in close- themselves.’ This is how, on a rainy rushed through Commons, resulting in coats thirty seconds after it haspast. taken evening in 1999, Sam recalls that the the notorious Entertainment Lighting place, and then again, one hour later. up. That image is seeds of Teraclub were sown. It took Act (2001) which prohibits unison The club is like nothing I have seen Sam, with his gift of persuasion, little strobing. Sam is unapologetic. ‘The before. The walls, which undulate suddenly shattered time to secure the necessary capital, Japanese clubs are still allowed to do slowly, are covered from floor to but he admits that the first few months it. It’s a different culture.’ ceiling in television screens of all sizes. by a spinning were painful. An enthusiastic queue of scrubbed, Each screen shows a different cycle of ‘We almost folded twice,’ he admits, plucked, noisy young men and women images. The footage is intended to elicit garet Thatcher, coloured like a Warhol print.bust Iof am Mar almost ‘and when we found that the building waits outside the nightclub. So far, associations and emotional responses was subsiding, we almost packed it in. so ordinary. ‘I’m from New Malden,’ from the crowd, but not in any order certain that the We had to redesign the roof. At one proclaims one young lady, grinning I can determine. After swiftly-edited einstein stage, I was conducting business over a through a fug of perfume and rouge. film of the aftermath of the World Schroedinger payphone.’ But he persisted. Teraclub Her announcement is joined by a Trade Center collapsing, I catch film now attracts two thousand people on chorus of approving screams. The footage of a birth, of a chessboard, equation flashes an average night. first sign that my evening may contain and of a painting in the style of Asger When one considers that he is very anything out of the ordinary comes Jorn. In a screen at waist height, an past. selective about publicity, and takes when I notice that every bouncer is elderly nun eats a chocolate eclair 27 February 2003 FEATURE 9

in close-up. That image is suddenly are going to have to pay a tenner for a lighter. I reckon I probably look like eyes and ears and body make no sense, shattered by a spinning bust of Margaret couple of of drinks, they expect more an uncle dancing at a wedding. Yet but eventually the brain gives in to Thatcher, coloured like a Warhol print. I punch for their money,’ Sam shouts perhaps I look like every uncle at every them: it has to. The world swims. At am almost certain that the Schroedinger at me. Meekly, I look at the menu. I wedding, all at once. I’m out of my once nothing is connected to anything equation flashes past. turn down a Trec, and consider a Mary depth, but drowning in Teraclub feels else, yet everything -- music, sights, Close your eyes, and you can focus Celeste: four parts vodka to one part warm and comforting. thoughts, places, and the people around on the music. Or musics. The club Worcestershire source. I decide to try Perhaps it’s the alcohol, or maybe you -- become one phenomenon. hired high-profile DJs during the first the intruigingly named ‘Gringo Monk’, it’s the eye-rupturing video screens Your body resigns itself to its own couple of weeks, but they disappointed a combination of mead, lime juice and around me, but my confidence grows. beat. Hyperstimulation overloads the Sam. The last straw was his notorious Tabasco sauce. The limping beat, which at first seems senses, fuses the mind, and leaves one bust-up with a celebrity DJ. ‘The guy In the chill-out room, house DJ to career uncontrollably, starts to make exhilerated. I emerged from Teraclub was charging six grand a night: that’s Ermine Sopp provides a considerate perfect sense. I find the beat within feeling mentally, spiritually, and pretty much our door takings. He turned background, sometimes mixing long, the noise and my head pounds in and physically satiated. I can’t say any other up an hour and a half late in a huge single tones together, sometimesI out reckon of rhythm with my I heart. Some probably club has done that for lookme for years. bloody car, and didn’t even bother to slowing otherwise familiar records time passes. I cannot tell how long -- The morning after, I am still reeling explain himself. He brought this really down to a third of their normal speed,like my watch an no longer uncle makes sense, and dancing from the impact of a thousand at rhythms. a unpleasant attitude with him. He thought filtering them until they are little more Hyperstimulation plays havoc with As my mind pirouettes, two Gringo he was someone special.’ he explained than a couple of wavering notes.wedding; one’s biological clock. I’m At some out stage, ofMonks, my and the cocktail depth, I can-and-can’t in the VIP lounge. ‘When it comes down Sometimes, he takes five minutes to I remember ordering a drink, and yet I remember, turn sympathetic somersaults to it, a DJ plays records. That’s all. A complete a single crossfade. The wholebut don’t drowning remember ordering it: I in suppose Teraclub in my stomach. British feels teenagers and DJ doesn’t save lives, he doesn’t run room, about the size of a converted loft, you really had to have been there. twentysomethings, Sam argued to me, a country, and he doesn’t work twenty warm and comforting.are already Hyperstimulated. Television hour shifts in a factory. He’s got a cushy is getting slicker and more rapid. job, a big house, a big car, holidays in I reckon I probably look Computer games are approaching a the bloody Bahamas, and our punters are filmic level of realism. The Internet has paying for it all. He turned up without like an uncle dancing at a brought the whole world, its culture, its his own gear, and started giving me grief knowledge, and its people, right into our about our mixer. He swore at me. I’m wedding; I’m out of my depth, living rooms. We can demand anything, like, “Drop the attitude, I’m employing and just about anything we desire we you. Without people like me you’d be but drowning in Teraclub feels can receive within a day. Each new working in a supermarket. Just respect warm and comforting. generation of electronic music is more me and listen!” He wouldn’t shut up. He frenetic than its antecedents. Every new was shouting. So I had to hit him.’ rock music movement is louder, bigger, Sam quickly realised that for the is lined with acoustic tiles and furniture I figure that Sam has long disappeared. bassier, than anything before it. We same price as a Pete Tong or a Paul upholstery, and sprayed with day-glo I make for the cloakroom. As my coat is livein a world where Class A stimulants Oakenfold, the club could hire fifty local stars, signs of the zodiac, and unicorns. retrieved with paranormal efficiency, the are eaten like sweets. We ask, and it is DJs. So that’s exactly what they did. The We are illuminated only by their eerie attendant speaks. ‘Sam wants me to tell given. We do notis is seek, yet still we find. this this music that happens at the club is created phosphorescent glow and the lights you he’s gone home. He ...’ Whatever Such instant gratification makes deeper by about sixty DJs, most of them from DJ Sopp’s record decks. she was about to say, she thinks better of spiritual satisfaction almost impossible spinning decks. The more experienced Sam goes off to have a word with saying it. Her half-smile and a knowing to achieve, and this is where Teraclub DJs are given the task of mixing other Ermine. I sit and listen to the music, a glance suggest that there is more to the comes in. DJs together. The concept takes some deep, plangent clarinet note. It seems story. I let the silence pass like a beat More conservative bystanders grumble getting used to, and the resulting to come from inside my head. The betweenub ub us, and eventually find myself about youth ‘dumbing down’.teracl teracl They music certainly does. It’s definitely an low lighting, the slow music, and the stepping outside. Immediately, all is are missing the point entirely. What acquired taste, like modern jazz with a imposed tranquility feels disquieting darkness, except for two miner’s lamps we’re seeing now is nothing short of a beat. Sam says that this actually helps but unthreatening. I feel suddenly scrutinising my taut, aching face. revolution: an unquenchable thirst for people to get used to their surroundings. very weary. I am kept awake only Sucking in the night air, the sights and new meaning, for new information, and ‘Many visitors to this club are a bit by the amorous activities of a young sounds of Teraclub rattle on inside my for new stimulation. Whatever this may self-conscious when they come in. heterosexual couple sprawled across brain. Which way is home? I laugh: be, young adults clearly want more of The best thing about this music is that an opposite corner. Their behaviour the answer is, of course, every way. it, they want it faster, and now they’re anyone can dance to it. It doesn’t matter does not go unnoticed by a pink-suited When one arrives at Teraclub, the getting it. Hyperstimulation. whether you bop demurely or you spaz bouncer, who ushers them to their feet first sensation is one of discomfort. I reckon they’re welcome to it. Sam’s out completely on the dance floor: we’re and back into the club, using few words. New arrivals are visibly nervous, words reverberate inside my headache. all equal. If you can’t dance, it just looks The clarinet metamorphoses into a quiet, self-conscious and jumpy. The senses My hangover explodes painfully with like a deeper form of self-expression.’- unsettling chord:tera an organ of some kind. succumb to the information around every heartbeat, as every thought blurs At the bar,teraclub I hear Sam ordering a ‘Trec’ Sam has disappeared. them surprisingly quickly, and the mind with the ringing in my ears. The ice-cold for himself. The drink, a speciality of A Gringo Monk later, I take to the picks and chooses from the imagery and water which I am now forcing myself to this club, is a combination of absinthe floor. The music is at first confusing, the rhythm around it. drink tastes like bile. I must have slept and crushed caffeine tablets. It is named and I content myself by shuffling and The complex drinks get to you in through the revolution, I decide, as the after Toulouse-Lautrec, a French artist bouncing with my head spinning, bizarre ways. The discontinuous Schroedinger equation flickers again who drank himself to death. ‘If punters watching the crowd. My arms feel information swimming through the across my consciousness. 10 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 27 February 2003 Student politics was a considered more important in the 70’s

More recollections from the Surrey Alumni Society’s “Blast from the Past” series. This week, Colin Edwards (pictured below left) gives us a 70’s insight into the topical subject matter of the sabbatical elections

IN THE EARLY 1970’s, only sabbatical stray by one of the court wardens. He kept a post was the President of the Students dignified silence. Union and once a year we had to vote Tom Poole won, but Orlando came a close for one. The candidates were always: second. A liberal (with a small ‘L’), a socialist Where upon SocSoc (Socialist Society) worker, a truck driver, a Trotskyist, an called an emergency EGM, to complain animal and a cartoon character. Even in that there was some minor constitutional those days, no student would espouse right infringement. wing politics. Although Orlando had been enrolled in What happened was that the liberal would the linguistics department of the university, be elected. This is because they used a he wasn’t a member of the NUS. (He had transfer voting system, which resulted in the a B.Sc. in humanities and was intending least unpopular person winning. There were to do a paper for his M.Phil. entitled “On exceptions. In 1974 the raving left-wing the Social and Cultural Effects of War and Andy Kypri, was elected. However he was Church on Baroque Meeowsic after the such a nice bloke, you couldn’t vote against Thirty Cats’ War”) him. Showing a characteristic lack of a sense Famously in 1975 the election was between of humour, the socialists then came mob Tom Poole, Steve Peach and Orlando the handed to the meeting and voted for a cat. The nomination of a cat, was justified as re-election. This pissed everybody off Above: Colin Edwards, whose website www.uossnaps.co.uk shows UniS some sort of protest against student apathy, and Tom Poole got elected in again. and some of its students between 1971-77. Above right: Steve Peach and by Mel Ingham (ex-president/truck driver). Later years candidates included “Lio” (below) Mr Tom Poole showing what presidents get up to all day. Tom Poole went for the liberal non-scary (almost a Lion) and “Eric the half-a- Photos: Colin Edwards vote, so was in with a good chance. Steve bee”. However unlike Orlando, they were Peach’s chances were largely debunked withdrawn before the vote, to avoid the by some wag starting a graffiti campaign above problem. that said, “Steve Peach has a lovely bum”. You see students in the 70’s were more This weeks careers & skills talks Orlando was a ginger tom, adopted as a politically active. HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT CENTRES * ARMY* WEDNESDAY 5TH MARCH | 2PM | LT B MONDAY 3RD MARCH Another opportunity to attend a workshop The Army Recruitment Officer will be on final selection procedures. This is holding formal and informal interviews in a repeat of the workshop held on 12 the Careers Service. There are many and Giving an effective presentation February. varied career openings across a wide range of disciplines. EMPLOYERS OFTEN ASK students you get into stride for the rest to give a presentation as part of your talk. The middle part If you would like to register with Careers, please email [email protected], or visit in person. of the selection process. In a of the talk should be used to Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information relatively short space of time develop your material in a they are able to gain some logical fashion. Your finish measure of your clarity of should be used to summarise expression, organisation of your main points and perhaps material, time-keeping and make a single impressive This is the word-crossing crossword self-confidence. If they can closing statement. It’s also R USS LARK you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser also obtain some evidence D R C a good idea to plan enough that you have a sense of time for questions. Apologies once again for the strange positioning of the crossword this week and the pos- humour then that’s a bonus! “Employers seldom fail Try to practise your talk in sible impossibility of being able to read the clues. If it really is that bad, don’t strain your You are usually told in candidates on the basis of advance if you can. Get a eyes and just put words in that will fit. [email protected] advance what you will be one poor performance.” friend to listen and tell you required to talk about. It how you are coming across. could be on a subject of your Work hard to get the talk into choice, or maybe a leisure the time you’ve been allowed. interest or it could be related to the job you’re You will probably be penalised if you don’t - applying for. If you have time, you can write or you might even be cut off in mid-sentence. out the whole thing beforehand but it’s not a Highly embarrassing! good idea to read it out word for word on the Finally, when you get around to delivering day. Far better to write the key points on a the real thing - remember to project your series of numbered index cards. As you come voice so that everyone can hear and try to to each point during your talk it will remind make eye contact with each person in the you what to say. room at some stage during your talk. That The beginning and end of your talk are will make them feel personally involved and the crucial parts. Try to grab their attention they will be all the more appreciative. with something different from the usual “I’d Bear in mind that a presentation usually like to talk to you about ...... ”. Why not try forms just part of the assessment. If it goes something like “It was once said that ...... ” badly, try to put it behind you and throw or “It is not commonly known that.....” as yourself into the next activity. Employers a slightly more unusual way of introducing seldom fail candidates on the basis of one your subject. A powerful opening sentence poor performance. is a great confidence booster and will help www.surrey.ac.uk/careers 27 February 2003 VOLUNTEERING 11 More volunteering opportunities from the V project

After a week away from barefacts, Alli Cummings (right) returns with five more opportunities to enhance your c.v. and help out in the local community as part of the Union’s V-Project

APOLOGIES FOR MY absence in last weeks the social club. The members love Saturday. Barefacts as I did promise a new V talking to younger people and are so Kidsactive – This is event is on opportunity every week. But to make grateful for your help they will even the 2nd March and based in London. up for last week I’m actually going pick you up and drop you off. The Kidsactive are looking for volunteers to tell you about 5 opportunities this only requirements you have is that you to help rebuild their playground so that week! like talking to people and are fairly fit the kids with physical disabilities can First of all are you a friendly person and healthy as you may need to push use their specially made bikes. who loves a chat? Well if so then a wheelchair on one of their outings. Go Habitat – Based in London Guildford Club For The Disabled The A Team took some of the club again, volunteers are needed to help could be the perfect place for you Christmas shopping and said they were out in anyway possible with a special to develop your communication and an amazing group of people so you’re house building project, to give the social skills. Based at Jacobs Well sure to enjoy yourself. underprivileged a chance at buying Village Hall (just on the outskirts of Talking about the A Team (our cheap accommodation. You won’t be Guildford), this is a social group for group of volunteers who run one off expected to build houses though, you anybody who has a physical disability. volunteering projects), leads me very are more likely to being adding the entertainment to just helping out on Most of the members are wheel chair nicely into telling you about the 4 finishing touches such as painting and the day. bound and tend to be over 60 but are other V opportunities. The A Team are woodwork. Date is the 8th March. As with all volunteering projects it extremely lively and full of life. The currently running some great events that Jazz Dance – On the 22nd March, is important to remember that you can club are desperate for volunteers to help will benefit the local community and as The A Team have decided to hold an claim back all your travel expenses and the club on their monthly outings to the you might have guessed these projects old fashioned tea dance for some local on the odd occasion you are even given seaside, garden centres, day cruises and only need a one off commitment. elderly people at the University. Its lunch at some of the A Team Events. various sights around Surrey. This is The Pitstop Café – are you free going to be a great afternoon where the If you want to get involved, then a great opportunity for anybody who on Saturday 1st March? Could you elderly will be treated to afternoon of just contact me, Alli Cummings (the is free on a Thursday afternoon and help decorate a run down café for music, good food and entertainment. V Co-Ordinator) by either popping Above: two the club are so flexible that you can homeless people? The café is based Loads of people still needed to help into the Student’s Union activity examples of the opportunities you just help out once a month or you can at Leatherhead football ground and with this event with anything from centre for a chat or by emailing me can experience with go along every week and help out at you will need to be free for the whole promotion, providing the [email protected] the V-project FILM INTERVIEWS three pages of film (!) daisy clay talks bot- including jackass the tom with rik mayall movie, david cronen- whilst he’s on his visit berg, the BAFTA’s and to the yvonne arnaud johnny knoxville for “present laughter”

ALL YOU NEED IS HATE singles THE DELGADOS | MANTRA A beautifully sweet intro greets you to the beginning of a mini epic bouncing along with bags of innocence. All You Need SEX SELLS EP Is Hate may suggest loud STIFFED | COOLHUNTER MUSIC shouting and screaming guitars Most people equate punk but the Delgados let out their music with bands that have anger in a rather sweet and numbers in their name, kids joyous manor. A version of Mr skateboarding over drum kits, Blue Sky is expertly delivered teen movies, songs about as recorded on the John Peel getting dumped and the words Session that’s quiet stupendous. ‘dude’, ‘gnarley’ and ‘triple seven | m.b. 180 half-pipe fakey to ollie.’ However it wasn’t always like this, so it’s nice to hear a new MIDNIGHT band with an old-school classic UN-CUT | WARNER punk rock sound, except shouty Midnight is the new single from vocals have been replaced by Mancunian trio Un-cut. It’s soulful melodies, as provided essentially soulful, half-tempo by female vocalist Santi White. drum’n’bass, the chilling-out-in- The vocals are good and there a-bar sort, not the dark bass-heavy are some really interesting hard and fast type. Apparently tunes, the whole EP is quite it’s a re-release, as it was doing basic, but in a good way. Being the rounds about a year ago, and quite punky, all the tracks are it’s now been beefed up a bit. It’ll quite up-beat without being too have you tapping away while you frantic, except for the last track sip on your vodka cappuccino stay which is pretty chilled. If (?), and if you like it laid back it I could change it in anyway I might get you up to bust a groove. would have mixed the drums a Nothing too frantic though. seven bit clearer and made the guitars | a.c. THE DAY WE LEFT TOWN EP heavier. Overall, I thought it MAGNET | ULTIMATE DILEMMA was good, although not great, If there was one piece of music but it was pretty accessible so I that instilled a sense of joy, bliss think most people would enjoy ALMOST THE SAME and cheerfulness in a person, then it. six | t.d. CLEARLAKE | DOMINO RECORDINGS surely this is it. It is an absolutely The first single to be lifted from their second album, ‘Cedars’ (reviewed incredible EP of melancholic, elsewhere in these pages) – comparisons with The Strokes seem chilled out melodies. A perfect inevitable in the current musical climate, though scores of other bands selection of four tracks guaranteed both past and present would provide equally valid reference points. All to relax you instantaneously. Even the essential ingredients are in place, with a driving bassline, melodic better than Whale mating calls! vocals and a decent production job, so whether you like or dislike this eight | j.a. will hinge almost entirely upon your feelings towards the genre. Since I’m largely indifferent, I give this a six | j.d. I CAN NASIR JONES | ILL WILL RECORDS Nas has opted for a very stripped PAYBACK TIME back sound, against a very THE DYSFUNCTIONALS | SONY sparse beat and a simple piano This is appears to be a remix improvisation of a classical of some dodgy garage-rock melody, whose name escapes me. tune, but it’s been turned in to It is also an incredibly cheesy a big-beat lump of cheese. The attempt at endearing himself punky distorted female vocals to the younger generations, sound really out of place, and and possibly the anti-rap U.S. the result is that the whole Senators, by having a load of track is a mess. The singer young-uns in the background spells out ‘p-a-y-b-a-c-k’ and saying that you can be whatever it’s reminiscent of the T-U-R- you want to be. A sound piece of T-L-E Power song from the words by: al read | andrew malek advice there, kiddies. four | j.a. | simon robinson | anna wheeler | ninja turtles movie. Obviously jonathan darzi | matty b | anthos this is no great accolade, and chrysanthou | jonathan howell you’d be best off avoiding this. terje tjervaag | johnathan allen I can’t believe they’ve actually released it as a stand-alone if you are interested in writing for single. three | a.c. the music team, then come along to the cd hand-out in the media centre on mondays at 5pm 27 February 2003 MUSIC 13

HYBRID LP GARY NUMAN | JAGGED HALO This is not the kind of electro pop that most people would associate with Gary Numan, this is more along the lines of twisted industrial noise. There is a definite Nine Inch Nails vibe, which is not surprising as Flood and Alan Moulder (who worked with NIN) are just two of the producers that Numan has pulled together to rework some of his old tracks, including the classic Cars and Are friends electric. This albums double CD is filled with heavy industrial sinth, moody beats, messed- up guitars, and dark atmospheric noises; all inter-dispersed by some nice orchestral pieces. Some really great tracks including the chaotic Listen to my voice, the punishing Rip, Hybrid and Bleed which are JUST ONE MORE all pretty mental. I was pleasantly surprised by this LP, seeing as I’m MAD CADDIES | FAT WRECK CHORDS not a Numan fan, and would recommend it to anyone into industrial/ It’s a mish-mash of punk, rock, alternative music. It doesn’t quite have the musical imagination, indie, ska, reggae, Country and diversity or intelligence that Trent Reznor creates but it’s still quality Western saloon-style music and stuff. eight | t.d. plenty more. The opening track ‘Drinking for 11’ starts off like Thanks For Your Thoughts your bog standard yank-rock rebelski | heavenly ballad, until you get hit with a Some readers may be familiar reggae beat and a track that, god with Martin Roman – whose forbid, sounds like UB40 crossed debut full-length release under his TOGETHER: THE BEST OF... with Less Than Jake. Now if you Rebelski alter ego is under review REEF | SONY thought that was odd, the title here – as the studio and touring These longhaired Indie rockers, track ‘Just One More’ sounds keyboard player for acclaimed Reef take nine hit singles and like Space with a trumpet and a indie outfit Doves. As is to be five new tracks in basically an EP small knowledge of Spanish! The expected, keyboards and synths of new material with a few hits theme for the album is set right THE ART OF LOSING feature heavily, but very little else thrown in to motivate its purchase. from the outset, which is a huge AMERICAN HI FI about this album is predictable. Don’t get me wrong I was once A few weeks ago, this reviewer uncertainty of what you’ll find From the mildly sinister strings an admirer when they were in called the opening song from next. Once you realise what on that fade in at the beginning of their prime but hits such as Come this album of the same name a earth is going on, this is actually opening track ‘Three’ through Back Brighter now sound tiered ‘fantastic track’. Unfortunately, a very catchy and, dare I say it, to the insistent piano loop and irrelevant. The only joys forthcoming single ‘The Art addictive record. seven | j.a. underlying the reflective ‘Dad’s come from the legendary and of Losing’ is the only slighly Hi-Fi’, Roman’s work eludes now Union favourite Place Your original thing here, and I say STUARY NGLISH any attempts at convenient genre Hands and equally rapturous Set E E ... slightly as it steals lyrics from at VARIOUS MEMPHIS INDUSTRIES classification, with elements The Record Straight. In eight | least 5 other songs. The rest of of funk, jazz and even Warp- years they have achieved a couple This varied seventeen- the album sounds like a bad mix esque percussion samples (on of hits but continually scraping track compilation marks of alternating Blink 182 and The th ‘ Tiddlywink’) occasionally the barrel to prolong a career gets the milestone 25 release Vines songs, and sees AHF drift permeating the atmospheric mix. tiresome. four| m.b. from Memphis Industries between pop punk and garage Always interesting and at times since the label’s inception in rock. In fact, ‘The Breakup beautiful, this album deserves a October 1998, and, as clichéd Song’ is so similar to Blink’s wider audience than it’s likely to CEDARS as it undeniably sounds, it ‘First Date’ that the pop trio receive. Don’t buy this expecting CLEARLAKE | DUSTY/DOMINO can only be described as could have reasonable grounds Doves-style catchiness as you’ll Vocalist Jason Pegg of Clearlake ‘eclectic’. Inevitably, then, for a lawsuit. The “street” lyrics be disappointed, but approach would seemingly have us believe enjoyment will depend heavily of ‘Nothing Left to Lose’ with with a more open mind (as I he’s suffering from most mental on personal preference. So it’s periodic “holla back y’all”s forced myself to) and you should illnesses out there. Believable while standout tracks include and “all the bitches in the be pleasantly surprised. eight | concept or not, it actually the lazily acoustic ‘Saturday’ back”s are quite embarrasing, j.d. seems to work quite well for by J. Xavarre, whose soft and the latter half of the album cedars second album. From the vocals instantly recall those of is so instantly forgettable it ALMOST CURED OF SADNESS wonderful mad-scientist organ/ alternative icon Perry Farrell leaves you feeling that they STEPHEN JONES | DELF MUSIC piano and appropriate lyrics on (definitely a good thing in my really should have gone back In spite of a depressing first Mind Is Evil, to the Radiohead- book), along with Broadway to the drawing board. “TAOL” impression, album title and candy esque orchestrations, both in Project’s eerily ambient will be a big disappointment for skull cover in mind, Stephen instrumentation and vocals on the ‘Femme Fatale’, I can summon fans of their debut album, which Jones latest is full of hope and relatively uplifting Treat Yourself little enthusiasm for the likes had far more well crafted songs pending happiness. A collection With Kindness, this is a take on of ‘You’re So Vain’, The Black and actually sounded genuine. of nineteen ditties and ideas Madness by an obviously very Neon’s ‘80s synth-laden take This one seems like it has been that come across as sounding capable band of four. It makes on the legendary Carly Simon ruined by record label pressure beautiful, profoundly original, for a refreshing change to hear a number with lyrics read by a and money making motivation. quirky and odd all at the same group that works their lyrics so detached, robotic monotone. four | a.m. time. This quirkiness is perhaps well into the music as Clearlake. The majority of the remaining the first distinguishing feature to Treat yourself with kindness, they tracks washed over my dulled be noticed on this album, but it say. Buying this album would be senses in a suitably unarresting very quickly becomes apparent a good start. eight | t.t. manner, which isn’t to say that that it is only a small part of Jones they’re not worth listening special music. At the bottom of to, just that I personally this lo-fi, home cooked effort is wasn’t sufficiently moved simply a firm base of great song by them. Certainly worthy writing, childish innocence and of consideration by the more naiveté blended together to form adventurous music enthusiast, an album that grips you at the first perhaps best left alone by listen and won’t let go. nine | t.t. anyone else. six | j.d. 16 FILM 27 February 2003

Dumb, dumber, stupid and just plain ridiculous

With opinions you would never read in oth- er newspapers, Paul Wright gives Johnny Knoxville and his chums the thumbs-up

JACKASS THE TV series certainly has a episode and yet does not feel overly long. proven formula; take some cult skate, Opening with one of the very few snowboard and extreme sports stars, add Hollywood quality stunts, we are introduced some confirmed masochists, throw in some to the cast through a game of pass-the-punch cameras, a healthy slab of production budget whilst they ride a shopping trolley hurtling and voila: guaranteed greatness in the eyes down a deserted, smoke filled road towards of young males everywhere. Every one the inevitable fruit stall. This whole scene of us has a story to tell of an incident that feels very polished and somewhat out of could be part of one of the shows and part step with the rest of the film as it is shot on of the appeal is that we could see ourselves film rather than video and the sense of flow carrying out some, if not all of the stunts. in the editing is strong. The shows consist of nothing more than a After this opening scene the rest of the number of 1 - 2 minute sketches involving movie reverts back to standard Jackass with either pain, duping the public or pushing the unconnected sketch following unconnected even acting ability (as long as we neglect family and his reasons for not doing the barriers of TV censorship limits. And most sketch. To review this as a film would be a Knoxsville’s worthy attempts to remain in stunt himself. of the time with laugh-out-loud results. mistake as it contains none of the considered character whilst returning a hire car used in Though it may be thought that such a Jackass The Movie does little to extend this normal items that one might attach to a destruction derby or pretending to be an proposal might not work, Jackass The Movie format other than in the literal sense. With a films. With its isolated sketches the idea OAP shoplifter). manages to pull it off - this could have easily run time just shy of one and a half hours the of plot is thrown wholly out the window Some have likened it to classic spoof been a DVD or video sold to skaters and movie is three times the length of a normal and with it goes character development or documentary films such as Spinal Tap but borders. But by releasing it at cinemas they there is little to compare between the two: have ensured that it will break through to the Jackass has no illusions of grandeur and mainstream cinema-going audiences and does not attempt to be any more than it is, still do respectably when finally released a clip show of incredibly brave or stupid as a DVD (with no doubt deleted scenes stunts. The only moment of conceivable included.) If you are a fan of Jackass then tenderness comes during one of the final go, see it and cry with laughter; if you have sketches that involves X-raying an anally no idea what it is then be aware it’s not what inserted toy car as Steve-O talks about his you would consider an “average film”. A quick press-conference with the JackAss folks

After the screening of Jackass The Movie themselves after watching the program, the assembled press were then bussed to a however they have been sue by a man who half hour press conference with the director changed his name to Jack Ass, apparently Jeff Tremaine and some of the cast (Johnny the program ruined his reputation. Knoxville, Steve-O, Chris Pontius and Dave The only stunt that was deemed too England). Instead of having a transcript of dangerous to attempt was a recreation of a the questions and answers session, here’s guy getting his head stuck up an elephant’s a Jackass style collection of disjointed arse and then falling over. The fear was that factoids and thoughts: the elephant might either sit down fully or Part of the Jackass philosophy is that run away and break a neck. girls don’t do any of the dangerous stunts, Johnny Knoxsville cuts a charismatic apparently once in the past a girl took part image even whilst churning through the in one and got hurt. “Guys getting hurt is thousandth press conference. He has got funny, girls getting hurt isn’t.” a couple of upcoming films on the cards The scene involving the ‘less lethal’ already, including Grand Theft Parsons in ammunition (a bean bag plus stabilising which he will star, and had a supporting role ribbon instead of a metal slug) and Johnny’s in Men In Black II last year. Although the stomach has more to it than meets the transition from Jackass to Hollywood isn’t eye. Firstly when we see him at the end guaranteed, you can be sure of one thing; of the range looking particularly morbid should Johnny Knoxville ever claim to have and serious one of the factors was that this done all the stunts himself you’ll know he’s was the third attempt, the previous two not lying. had grazed past his arm and leg. Secondly since that footage was shot the ‘less lethal’ ammunition has been removed from market as it allegedly wasn’t considerably less lethal. The appeal of Jackass, in the words of Steve-O: “...it’s funny because people like to laugh at accidents, its primal humour. We have accidents on purpose and it’s okay to laugh because we’re laughing too.” Jackass has not been sued by people injuring 27 February 2003 FILM 17 The most famous (exploding) head in cinema

Film editor Jolyon Hunter takes a look at the creator of numerous distinctively strange films - David Cronenberg - and comes to the conclusion he is as persuasive as he is provocative

OVER THE LAST thirty years or so, the sense of detachment and reserve to Such conceptual gloop probably expression "Cronenbergesque" has his own weird tales: early art-house reached its apotheosis with 1983’s gradually entered the vocabulary of pictures like Stereo casually deal with Videodrome. Starring James Woods, film buffs everywhere. Clumsy though themes of scientific experiments, drug Videodrome starts out as a taut and it is, it’s also the only economical way therapy, "polymorphous perversity" sinister thriller about an executive of identifying the distinctive flavour and advanced states of disease. for a pornographic television station of the strange films David Cronenberg Shivers (1975) was his first feature who discovers secret transmissions has been unleashing on the world. film to gain much recognition – which appear to be live broadcasts www.salon.com Sure, a film like Shivers contains all "Marshall Delaney Reviews The Most from some sort of torture chamber. the gore and debauchery you’d expect Perverse, Disgusting, Repulsive Film However, things aren’t quite that success of The Fly, however, from a project with the working title He Has Ever Seen", that sort of thing simple, and Woods finds that the Cronenberg has reined in the Orgy of the Blood Parasites, but how – and it securely bolts Cronenberg’s censors’ worst nightmares are true: conceptual gloop, and it’s led to a does that square against adapting more clinical inclinations on to a exposure to these transmissions really series of films which have strayed of an award-winning transsexual/ demented gore-flick chassis. Coming is damaging his grip on reality. Soon further and further from his popular espionage/opera Broadway play, M. across like a high-art combination enough, he’s falling into a vividly image as "Dave Deprave": both Dead Butterfly? And exactly how does one of H.R. Giger and Reefer Madness, hallucinatory waking nightmare, Ringers (1988) and Crash (1996) get from the most famous exploding Shivers still has the power to shock experiencing progressive have held back the gooey excesses head in cinema history to a sensitive and thrill today. of earlier works in the service of character study of identical-twin More experiments followed, "He tells me that even increasingly sophisticated and gynaecologists without passing the with Cronenberg’s idiosyncratic old flesh is erotic flesh, distinctive projects which seem square marked "critical dismissal"? "body horror" steadily becoming to work towards more recognisably Perhaps we should start at the more palatable to the mainstream. that disease is the love human concerns. beginning. Cronenberg lit out in Through 1980’s infamous Scanners of two alien kinds of Dead Ringers in particular is a the late 60s, like so many others, (telepath wars; Patrick "The Prisoner" remarkably haunting film. It’s with a series of experimental shorts. MacGoohan; several heads explode) creature for each other, the complex story, loosely based Uncommonly, he writes as well up to 1984’s surprise blockbuster that even dying is a form on true events, of identical-twin as directs the vast majority of his smash The Fly, Cronenberg continued of eroticism." Shivers (1975) gynaecologists Elliot and Beverley projects. This has helped no end in to develop his obsession with using Marcus (Jeremy Irons). Business enabling critics to classify his films graphic violent and gooey imagery degeneration and mutation into partners and in most senses life in terms of exploring his personal to provoke extreme responses from something else even as the dark partners, their tenuous symbiosis obsessions: a suggestion which might his audience. As he put it (speaking forces behind the transmissions seek is driven into jeopardy when one occasionally be cause for concern. in 1985): "We’re going to do this and to manipulate him to their own ends. and then the other fall for the He stood out from the crowd of show it to you. It’s not going to be It’s a harsh, gruelling, fascinating same woman (Genevieve Bujold). student film-makers from the start: easy, but if you look at it, it’s going to film. The effects are spectacular and Cronenberg maintains a detached a highly-educated Canadian Jewish take you some place else. It [is] never occasionally repulsive, but it’s the but keen perspective on this bizarre college dropout who’d been majoring just gloop; it [is] always conceptual bleak and increasingly sinister story love triangle, and without running in biology, he brought a pronounced gloop." that stays with the audience long after into sentimentality or sensationalism the credits have rolled. produces a sad, deeply affecting The extraordinary knack for film. 1983’s The Dead Zone – from dealing with the bizarre, ugly the Stephen King book – is another and uncomfortably sexual that noteworthy film in this melancholy Cronenberg exhibited in Videodrome vein. in and his other early works encouraged It’s hard to think of another a lot of spectators to draw writer/director whose work has so pull-out comparisons to transgressive novelist consistently challenged and assaulted William Burroughs. Burroughs and its audience as a means to presenting Cronenberg certainly seemed to share more complex ideas: the best of the an interest in specifically deformed early films leave a long, lingering versions of regular science-fiction, sense of disquiet and turmoil in their and it came as no great surprise when, wake. As provocative pieces of film in 1981, Cronenberg announced that clearly have at least pretensions his intention to film Burroughs’ to something higher than schlock VOTE infamous, "legendarily unfilmable" cinema, they are second to none. 1953 novel The Naked Lunch. Nowadays, however, his films Naked Lunch finally hit the box are becoming more naturalistic. office in 1991. Very freely interpreted Cronenberg’s constant fixation can from the novel, the movie included be said to be the human condition: [1] passages of direct biography from the inevitability of eventual loss and Burroughs’ life as well as wholly separation, of death, and of trying to original sequences. It was critically find faith in a strange world. These acclaimed on release, but box office concerns are present in the early takings reflected its source material, films, but often obscured beneath BAREFACTS and many Burroughs fans dislike it. special effects and overwhelmingly The convoluted plot, which revolves bleak atmosphere: later works around abusive sex, drug addiction have allowed the development of and paranoid schizophrenia, means a distinguished tone and emotional elections: see pull-out section that this film in particular is not for depth that makes them finally as David Cronenberg: everyone. seductive and persuasive as they are director of films with Since the unprecedented commercial provocative. somewhat surreal themes and purveyor of disquiet 18 FILM 27 February 2003 Jolly good show from all concerned A look at the poor man’s Oscars - the BAFTAs - and who walked away with what last Sunday from the man in the know, Jolyon Hunter

WITH STEPHEN FRY hosting, there was “Chicago” (“the windy movie” as little doubt that this was the *British* Fry quipped). Angelina Jolie sounded Academy of Film and Television positively English when she presented Awards. His well-spoken, self-effacing Best Supporting Actor award for performance sprinkled liberally with Christopher Walken’s performance in quintessentially English humour “Catch Me If You Can”; all that filming emphasised the fact that this was a for Tomb Raider 2 must be having its truly British affair. effect...absolutely. Above: Nicole Kidman giving a wave to the cameras whilst Daniel Day-Lewis abandons the usual at- The show itself started with a double- Perhaps an indication of how the ire for a cobbler on his way to picking up the best actor BAFTA. Photos: courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk whammy of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Oscars will (not) go, the British Angelina Jolie presenting consecutive Academy awarded a number of gongs awards - the remainder of the show to Roman Polanski’s “The Pianist”, not in the English Language” (catchy won the Anthony Asquith award having a very tough time living up to including the biggies - Best Director huh?!)... this was for his film Hable “ for achievement in film music, this start. Zeta-Jones, heavily pregnant, and Best Picture. The film also con Ella” which also received the with “Chicago” winning the Sound would later return to stage to collect a picked up six awards at the French award for Original Screenplay. category. Best Supporting Actress award for film festival (the “Cesars”), and also The Best Actor and Best Actress awards “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” captured the Palme D’Or at Cannes. went to Daniel Day-Lewis (“Gangs of received the award for Sound Effects, It’ll be interesting to see if the Oscars New York”) and Nicole Kidman (“The and was also voted “Film of the Year” go the same way . to “Adaptation”. Interestingly, the the Rings 3 and of course Tarantino’s Speaking of politics and all that jazz, film overlooked in this year’s Oscar return with “Kill Bill”, 2003 is looking Pedro Almodovar made a rousing, if nominations, “Road to Perdition” to be another good one. unintelligible Anti-War speech upon received awards for Cinematography receiving the award for “Best Film and Production Design. Philip Glass [email protected]

Making a monkee of the classic film

HEAD STARS THE Monkees. Large parts HEAD straight despite being of it were written by Jack Nicholson. BY JOLYON HUNTER patently nonsensical, It takes two and a half minutes for the script is littered the group to appear once the film has pleasantly photogenic pop group, a with verbal and visual started, and when they do, they are Boyzone for the 60s, things clocked non-sequiturs, and running for their lives and screaming along fairly well for the first two TV scenes are cut fairly in terror, despite the fact that nothing series and a brace of progressively randomly: Head looks is actually chasing them. Then the big more listenable albums. For any such as though around six stupid-looking one (Mickey Dolenz) group, however, there’s a point when different films have jumps off a suspension bridge to his all those frustrated-artist tensions come been randomly spliced apparent death. bubbling to the surface. Nowadays, into one misshapen It gets creepier from there. If the last people in such positions start earnest lump. There is very paragraph gave you any problems, side-projects or beat up air hostesses: little by way of a stable narrative. of the "hits" show up, but a good it might be an idea to go and read back then, the Monkees decided to Brazenly satirical in intent, the film number of the tunes are genuinely something else, because this isn’t make a movie. launches occasional sniping attacks excellent – even if you’re not a fan going to get any easier. Commercially, it was an unmitigated at pretty much anything it feels like: of the group in general (I’m not, One of the truly fascinating things disaster: it never actually saw theatrical American society and the constraints incidentally, but the songs in this film about the Monkees was that for the best release in the UK, where Monkee of the Monkees’ own manufactured are great). It definitely beats Yellow part of their career, they were bitterly stock was at a historical low anyway. identity are particularly frequent Submarine musically. Hey hey: they’re the monkeys unhappy. Constructed as a The US hated it too, although on targets. A surprising number of these One of the strengths of Head is that the consideration it’s not hard to see why: hit home, whether you sympathise with production values are fairly high: whilst Head is a deeply disturbed film, and the group or not. Otherwise, it can just several scenes are deliberately filmed buried amidst its absurd stream-of- be enjoyed on the merits of its sheer to give the effect of being unfinished consciousness narrative is a great deal weirdness. "rough cuts" (complete with visible of nagging social commentary. Anti- As a taster, some of the rather odd cameramen and clapperboards and so Vietnam sentiments, drug use, graphic things which happen in Head include: on), the effects and visuals are first- violence and plenty of broad satirical a teenage audience invading the stage class. There are big dance numbers, intents combine into a spiteful froth that at the end of a song and tearing the blatant appropriations of footage from really wouldn’t "play" to the Monkees’ Monkees to pieces; people pretending other movies, vox-pop sequences – it’s avowed screaming-female-teenager to be dandruff and getting sucked into uncannily like watching some sort of audience. Of course, counterculture a vacuum cleaner; factory workers prehistoric The Day Today. types naturally hated the Monkees: it drinking industrial waste and getting Trite summary time: Head is a very is not wholly unreasonable to suggest their heads chopped off; and two strange movie that you will probably that no-one wanted to see this movie. Monkees irritably acting out a scene either love or hate, depending on how One of the reasons that Head makes for from a Western before getting bored cool you are. It occasionally turns up such a distinctly unsettling experience and proceeding to trash the studio. on Channel 4 and is still available on is that … well, it was made that way In terms of songs, the film is stuffed video. on purpose. Most scenes are played with (then) brand-new numbers. None [email protected] 27 February 2003 LITERATURE & POETRY 19

poetry The Tragedy of Life Cry wolf by Katy Saunders Looking at Ian McEwan’s work once again, literature editor Chris Ward dis- Beauty abandons me, In favour of a dark and forboding self, covers another theme the Booker prize- One so twisted and ugly winner explores majestically: atonement It cannot be looked upon by human flesh.

Pain - fresh and raw, From the read them in his book. Have you ever done Stinging as salt does in a self-inflicted wound, w i n d o w something terribly wrong that you wish you Sadistic and completely necessary - of a great could make better? An unfolding of events Washes over me m a n s i o n , that you would give the world to undo and In an awesome wave of realisation and truth. 13 year-old start afresh? Of course you have. The one Briony Tallis truth that McEwan outlines in this excellent I feel strangely elated, w a t c h e s piece of literature is that no matter what And yet I have hit rock bottom as Robbie your original intentions were, the thought is With a fantastic force greater than all things of this cruel T u r n e r (the charlady’s never what counts if something goes wrong. And somehow victorious earth, son) appears to be forcing her older sister Sometimes it is not possible to atone. The And I crawl on my stomach. Cecilia to unclothe. Briony’s misguided lorry driver who couldn’t stop in time when preconceptions cause her to spy on Robbie, a young child runs in front of the vehicle… I sob and weep at the satire, and when she finds a piece of evidence, she can he ever bring that child back to life? The natural ease with which the body degenerates informs her parents straight away. Robbie, Even though it was not his fault, he was the Before the soul can even begin to appreciate innocent of the accusations, is arrested by one at the wheel, therefore he becomes the The pain and fear and simple terror I feel, the police and taken away. As World War scapegoat. To be alone and lonely in the world again. II begins he is forced to sign up as a result McEwan’s novel contains what you would of his crimes, and the novel accordingly expect of a continuously developing talent. How paradoxial, to be free jumps a few years ahead to when Briony is Although this book missed out on the Booker And yet feel so incredibly trapped! forced to admit that she was wrong. Thus prize (unlike Amsterdam in 1998), it boasts How ironic, that freedom should be granted begins her period of atonement – where she many strands of rich language and provoking Just as I no longer desire it! must pay for her mistakes, if such a concept concepts. Perhaps the one explored the most And how typical that my Maker could be the breaker exists. is the longing for forgiveness… the wish to Of my spirit, love and hope. McEwan has a reputation for probing walk into a room to see those who you loved taboo, and including little human truths and wronged with the warm feeling that all How tragic life is. that don’t tangibly occur to you until you is forgotten.

Starlight by Terence Rojas Staring heaven ward We think we see hope die When yesterday’s stars no longer shine Now in light of day with raised eyes Staring heaven ward at fiery incandescence Starlight ushers us into a new dawn Where hopes born of wondrous desire Kept alive by phoenix like passion And of humility blessed by silence At the beauty of it all Simple starlight sings across the world © 2003 Mind Ink in next page

BOTTOM’S UP

daisy clay interviews rik mayall 20 THEATRE 27 February 2003

The funny man who refused to drop dead Rik Mayall found fame as a Young One and soon went south as he created Bottom. Daisy Clay (left) spoke to him while at the Yvonne Arnaud and found he has the odd naughty word or two up his sleeve

sense of humour was fantastic, and he Nevertheless, this connection with the However negative this may sound, joked sarcastically and with much irony current political state of affairs helped Rik is undoubtedly very close to Ade throughout the interview. However, it to confirm his grounded nature, despite describing him in previous interviews is crucial that I clarify one important his fame. as being like a brother and as his point: in reading over the transcript of When asked how performances of closest friend. mine and Rik’s conversation I noticed Present Laughter had been going so Besides acting, Rik made it clear that when reading certain quotes he far Rik passionately replied “beyond that there really was nothing else he may well come across as overly self- fantastically wonderful…excellent”, had ever wanted to do saying how it confident, or even conceited. From describing the play as “one of the best is all he’s ever done and all he’s ever talking with Rik, I can certainly say pieces of theatre around”, saying he wanted to do. He “enjoys showing off that he is neither of these things. In was really enjoying the performances. and making money”. In his current one way or another, he often referred In Rik’s own words, “the play play, he exclaimed, he gets paid for to himself as being extremely talented is basically ‘full of love’…it’s a snogging, which can’t be a bad thing! and brilliant, although he then reassures reaffirmation of the goodness of He continued by saying how he had that he is just having a laugh. He even humanity, but also shows what bastards actually gone into acting just to be RIK MAYALL IS considered by many to called himself a “huge international we really all are”. He plays the lead interviewed…interviewed by students be one of the best British comedians celebrity” – but at any rate, in my role of Garry Essendine, a comedy in fact……He then went on to say that in the entertainment world, renowned opinion, with the acting talent he has actor and ‘devastatingly handsome when I end up working for a newspaper for his loud, rude and often violent and the success of his career he has egotistical charmer’ whom everyone is like The Times or similar that I could characterisations and his unique every right to be just a bit confident. infatuated by. Rik personally described interview him again as a follow up comedic style. I therefore think, and In beginning the interview he was his character as a “psychopathic article…I shall hold him to that! hope, that most of you will know quick to declare that “the play’s shagger” who is heading towards In terms of theatre acting as compared exactly who Rik Mayall is – the man f**kin’ brilliant, Rik’s brilliant middle age, balding and drinking to with television or film acting Rik says behind the Bottom! Born in 1958, – enough said”. This was, of course, much. He then carried on to say that he he prefers neither as he enjoys it all. He both his parents were drama teachers said humorously although he stresses was “born to play this role” because has numerous acting projects planned allowing him to begin acting at an that this statement is entirely true. In “Garry is Rik through and through”! for the future, including work with Ade early age. His acting career later took telling me about Present Laughter, Rik Besides his general enthusiasm for with whom he still goes on tour. off after meeting Adrian Edmondson could not have been more enthusiastic, the entire play, he was particularly In discussing actors and other famous (a.k.a. Ade) at university, where both making it thoroughly clear just how keen to mention the “fantastic, people who have influenced him, Rik of them studied for Drama degrees. highly he thought of the play. super-funky costumes” as one of the cited Tommy Cooper, and said how They formed a partnership then which many must-see features of the play. Peter Cook had always been a hero has remained strong ever since and still In a fantastically perfect illustration of his. He then strayed slightly, asking plays a big part in Rik’s life, whereby “I play a psycho- of Rik’s conversational style (which himself “who haven’t I shagged yet?” they have starred together in numerous pathic shagger who continually made me laugh throughout and then naming Amanda Holden. At successful comedies and continue the interview), he referred to the girls’ this point he admitted to being “a bit of to work together now. Rik probably is heading towards outfits as“blow-job fantastic”. a perv”. He also has “the hot’s for one became most famous with the 1980s Anecdotally, Rik told me how Present of the BBC Business Correspondents” cult hit The Young Ones, which he middle age, a bald Laughter had actually opened on the but didn’t know her name, asking starred in and co-wrote with Ben Elton night of his wedding anniversary with me to get him her number so that he and Lise Meyer. He is also famous for head and drinking wife Barbara, so he invited her along could…well, umm. the comedies Bottom and The New with the best seats in the house. She It is evident in much of Rik’s comedy Statesman, and the films Guest House too much. I was then got to spend the night watching that the work of Samuel Beckett has Paradiso and Drop Dead Fred. him “snogging loads of girls”, which been a strong inspiration to him and In 1998, Rik suffered serious head born for it.” he joked had been a nice wedding he has also been involved in numerous injuries in a quad bike accident, anniversary present for her. productions of ‘Waiting For Godot’. putting him into a coma and onto the Written by Noel Coward, the play is Rik is undoubtedly most famous for critical list. However, he made a full described as ‘one of his finest and acting in comedies, although he has recovery and is once again engaged funniest comedies’, with Rik referring also played numerous other different with an extremely busy acting career. to him as “one of the best playwrights roles. I asked him what his favourite He is currently touring the UK with of the twentieth century…he can write role had been and why. He explained performances of Present Laughter, a good joke or two…thousand”. Rik how he has been onstage since the a play soon to be presented at the was quick to highlight a potentially age of 8 (he is now 44) so is now in Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford. important social feature of the play, a position where he is able to choose Last week, he took some time out from in that it was written in 1937, two whatever he wants to do from a pile of his busy schedule to talk to me in an years before WWII, and is now being scripts, making each role a favourite exclusive interview. performed possibly two months before at the time. He adds, however, that From the moment the interview the next world war. During the interview he still absolutely loves Bottom and is Rik Mayall: began, I was faced with a lively, Rik made numerous other political still working with Adrian Edmondson survived a quad ac- enthusiastic and comical man, strongly references and seemed interested in (Ade). He jokily described Ade as a cident, in which he passionate about acting as a vital part current affairs, showing his slightly “talentless twat” who is very clever received life-threat- of his life. He was actually just as you more serious side. However, he then in latching onto talent and living off ening injuries, and made a full recovery would expect having seen any of his joked about how he was really just their money, saying how he “leaches to continue his comedies – bold, eccentric, unique trying to sound intellectual because, in and drinks, but is a good typist” and comedic ways and absolutely hilarious. Naturally, his talking to a student, he felt he should. goes to Rik when he runs out of ideas. 27 February 2003 THEATRE 21

He says now that Beckett is exercise he uses before going onstage. “perpetually” an inspiration to him, In reference to his accident in 1998 he and that he plans to perform another said that it also helps to test his memory of Beckett’s plays, ‘End Game’, with since his brain was ‘mashed’, although and entertaining – with the combination Ade. Rik has played each character in he says he is now fully-recovered. of Noel Coward’s comedic talent for ‘Waiting For Godot’, except for the Despite touring the UK, Present playwriting and the ever-comical Rik character of Lucky. However, he then Laughter will not be going to the West Mayall I truly believe that you can’t adds that he knows Lucky’s speech word End (“it’s too expensive now, what with lose. for word – a remarkable claim, which the congestion charges…”) as Rik will Rik was once quoted as saying he he followed up by actually reciting the be involved in other future projects, so it was a difficult person to interview, so speech! For many of you who have is advised (by Rik himself) that you see I challenged him on this, to which he not ever seen or heard this speech, you it now whilst you still can. Many of the frankly replied that it was “bollocks” will wonder why I was so impressed tour venues actually sold out completely and he had probably just been trying – Lucky’s speech is very long, very and it is likely to sell out in Guildford, so to make himself sound interesting. He complicated, and totally nonsensical, the advice is to buy your tickets as soon was not at all difficult to interview and I would say it is actually worth as you can. However, you can always – the interview was in fact a very looking it up just to be impressed at the turn up an hour before any performance amusing and enjoyable experience with idea of someone knowing it verbatim! for the good chance of getting those a really lovely and terribly funny man. He then clarified why he had actually fabulously priced £7 student tickets. He summarised Present Laughter in a chosen to learn this piece, confessing Present Laughter really is guaranteed to way that I could also summarise the it is actually the voice warm-up be fantastically funny interview: “f**kin’ brilliant”.

Above: Gillian Anderson, currently starring in What the Night Is For. Photo: www.gilliananderson.ws WHAT THE NIGHT IS FOR Obviously I was looking forward to with their lives and are debating the play, having been a devoted X- getting back together. Saying that Files fan for many years. Although though, there are a few twists in I wasn’t sure what to expect as I the story that keep you interested. had never been to see a play before. The characters are bought alive by We had excellent seats, one row the excellent acting and there is from the front, and courtesy of the enough explanation in the script so Mayor’s ‘Get in to London Theatre’ even I could understand what was scheme they only cost five pounds. happening right from the beginning. Gillian Anderson was the staring The only disappointment for me female and Roger Allam was the was that Gillian Anderson wasn’t staring opposite her. They were allowing people to have photos playing ex-lovers who met up again, with her after the performance. But after both of them have moved on I suppose she’s the star and its her and had families of their own. It’s a prerogative. It was still a nice way bit of a generic story line. Ex-lovers to spend a Saturday afternoon. meet again, not happy words: catherine biggs Preview: Stones in his pockets Marie Jones’ joyous comedy, making a movie are observed from ‘Stones in His Pockets’, is simply the worm’s eye view of Charlie and and ingeniously staged, masterfully Jake, two of the many locally hired performed and guaranteed to extras earning £40 a day to look entertain, when it comes to oppressed and starved on demand. Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud Theatre As the story unfolds, just two on Monday 3rd – Saturday 8th March. talented actors brilliantly bring Originally presented by the Lyric to life over fifteen extraordinary Theatre in Belfast, it has since had characters including the spoilt a sell-out season on Broadway, won American star, the crew and the countless major awards and is now last remaining extra from The Quiet in its third year in the West End. Man. The real life of a small Irish Performance times are Mon - community collides with the Thurs 7.45pm; Fri & Sat Eve 8pm wonderland of Tinseltown when and Thurs & Sat Mat 2.30pm, from a major Hollywood film studio Monday 3rd March to Saturday 8th. descends on a village in County Student standbys available 1 hour Kerry. The absurdities involved in before performance for £7. 27 February 2003 GU2 & DANCE 23 Why do ballet dancers nearly always spin towards their right side? Sam Madeley introduces Spin - an innovative dance piece based on a clas- sic question of dance - and highlights that students are more cultured than they would believe themselves

CONTRARY TO POPULAR belief us students right side whilst Kathak dancers always turn The fifteen strong team of ‘Spin Doctors’ are relatively cultured when it comes towards their left?’ is comprised of professionals and students down to it. We like music, go and watch Everyone must have seen a glimpse of alike; specialists in each of their own fields films regularly and have diverse opinions Classical Ballet at some stage in their lives, be that music, dance or design. Leading on the sort of music we rate as adequate whether in the theatre or on TV whilst the them in the creative process are staff from listening. Some of us may even be budding Christmas Turkey sits vengefully in your the School of Arts, Jennifer Jackson and thespians and like a spot of ‘…to be or not stomach, Kathak however is little known Noni Jenkyn Jones who have developed to be…’ once in a while but to be fair at the in comparison. To those of you wondering ‘Spin’ from a practical research into end of the day the majority of our cultured what I’m going on about Kathak is a form of ‘specific underlying structures and the generation would run a mile at the thought Indian classical dance which uses rhythmical creative chemistry between music and dance of enduring a dance performance. One of the footwork, hand and facial gestures to convey across the two dance forms’. great hidden treasures of UniS is the onsite stories about various Gods and Goddesses The show is part of Guildford’s International www.neathcameraclub.com performance venue that’s regularly visited from Hindu religion. Music festival and will be performed in by professional dance companies every The general consensus is that classical the Music studio in the PATS Building on month. If you do nothing else this year at dance forms, both Eastern and Western are Saturday 8th March. Due to popular demand least try something new…it may not be as redundant as a means of artistic expression three performances will be held at 4.30pm, arty farty as you think… (Engineers: I’m but ‘Spin’ manages to quash this theory 6pm and 7pm. Purchase your tickets by talking to you especially!) through outstanding collaborations between phoning the box office on 01483 99999. Go ‘Spin’ is an innovative new dance piece the music and movement which is enhanced on, it won’t kill you and even if it does its based on the question ‘Why do Ballet by the use of film specially devised by video only three quid! …What else are you going dancers nearly always spin towards their artist Deveril. to do on a Saturday night?

GU2 radio broadcasting again on 1350AM

AFTER A COOL 4 weeks on 107.3FM GU2 has BY GAZ DAVIES now returned to 1350AM. During the day we play the best mix of upfront hits, current kick in the cobblers to all the other radiowww favourites and some great classics. After 7pm stations who’ve been trying for years. we host some of the best specialist shows in To celebrate the fact that GU2 is 2 year old, the UK, with DJ’s spinning everything from we could bake a big cake and everybody dot hard house to hip-hop. Whatever you like, living on campus could have a slice, but no, from Jazz to Jungle we’ve got it covered. At we’ve got a better idea. From March the 1st the moment the schedule looks like this: GU2 will be streaming over the internet on gu2 For up to date news and information campus. If you’re hooked up on campus you about the station make sure you check out can listen in. Also, everybody’s invited to www.gu2.co.uk. There’s a full list of all the the Helyn Rose Bar on Saturday March the st dot promotions and competitions we’re running, 1 from 10pm to join in with the birthday as well as full frontal nude shots of some of celebrations. Featuring ‘The GU2 All-Stars’ more beautiful presenters. on the wheels of steel it should be a cracking If that wasn’t enough, March the 1st sees party. co GU2 celebrating its 2nd birthday. Yes, it’s Don’t forget that if you’ve liked what been 2 years since GU2 started transmitting you heard and think that you’ve got on 1350AM to the University of Surrey. In something to offer the station email dot that time, campus radio at Surrey has been [email protected]. GU2 is always on transformed from a bit of a joke to the Best the hunt for new talent. Student Radio Station in the UK. A bit of a uk 24 INTERACTIVE 27 February 2003

Week 5 Answer: This was a nice blue bin that I saw outside Titanic. I took about 30 photos of this bin. I like the way you Quiz can see the reflection of Uni Court in the This week’s lyrics quiz may well be the last in a relatively long line of reader-written windows. contributions, for Mr Ben Wren has been so good as to write this week’s. It is, he says, “a lyrics quiz based on a few sort of classic and not so classic love songs” and he’s not wrong Week 6 Clue: I’ve said I wanted to do one - there are some classics in there and the odd one or two that have an unusual way of telling from the other side of campus. Well here someone what they think of someone. you go. chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter If you would like to follow in the footsteps of Ben and those before him, send your list of ten lyrics to [email protected] and await your offering to appear in thi hallowed position. That way, you can enjoy people’s frustration in lectures thanks to your cunning lyrics choice.

[1] who knows how long i’ve loved you? you know i love you still [2] my mouth fell open, hoping that the truth would not be true [3] what is that that drives me mad? girls like you that i never had. what is it about you that i adore? [5] when you go away i’ll miss you, and i will be thinking of you [6] i saw the lamplight from your window [7] i took her to the jewellery store i said diamond she said pearl

[8] just one thing she doesn’t know, i stole her underwear [9] massive killer orb, hovering around, looking for a spot to blast the good guys on the

ground Who wants to be a millionaire? [10] so i put that gun to her head. she said ‘baby let’s go to bed’ well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down “ £100: by what name was Queen Victoria’s husband known? a: prince victor | b: prince phillip | c: prince albert | d: prince naseem I can’t seem to find the words that’s because this is a word search £200: what is the main charactereristic of a person described as ‘extrovert’? a: shy | b: clumsy | c: greedy | d: socially confident definitely maybe was not only a great £300: glucose is a form of which substance? album but also an oxymoron a: salt | b: sugar | c: acid | d: oil

£500: what does the latin word ‘circa’ mean when written before a year? a: until | b: born in | c: around | d: after “ £1k: which group had a massive hit with ‘Take My Breath Away? a: chicago | b: boston | c: berlin | d: geneva

£2k: what did the Romans call a market place or public square? a: curia | b: basillica | c: forum | d: noman

£4k: which of these president was not a Republican? a: gerald ford | b: richard nixon | c: george bush | d: jimmy carter

£8k: which Italian model had a number 3 hit in 1988 with ‘Boys (Summertime Love)’? a: spagna | b: sabrina | c: selina | d: semolina

£16k: whose third law of motion states that “every action has an opposite and equal reaction”? a: newton’s | b: boyle’s | c: einstein’s | d: avagadro’s

£32k: where would you find fiddles on board a boat? a: at the top of a mast | b: in the binnacle | c: around the edge of table-tops | d: on the anchor Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in £64k: if a chemical substance is volatile, what is it likely to form? a bout to decide the world quiz-host a: acid | b: vapour | c: compound | d: liquid heavyweight championship of the world. Who would win? Your thoughts, please: [email protected] £125k: what can be described as “Flemish bond” or English bond”? a: thatched roofs | b: ploughing styles | c: arches | d: brick-work Returning triumphant for another week is the now familiar wordsearch. £250k: which of these waves have the shortest wavelength? The litlle diatribe for this week concerns how you cross out the wrods a: gamma rays | b: x-rays | c: ultra-violet rays | d: infr-red rays when you find them on the word-search. Some poeple circle the letters whilst others cross through. I’m probably in the crossing through camp, £500k: which city is home to the 8th century “Book of Kells”? but this tends to make finding the other words difficult and so I can a: edinburgh | b: london | c: oxford | d: dublin sympathise with those who circle. My only problem with the latter is that it looks very untidy and you need £1m: which of these colours does not appear on the national flag of Lithuania? a steady hand to make the finished article look neat. Let us know your a: blue | b: yellow | c: red | d: green thoughts on the [email protected]. 27 February 2003 LIFESTYLE 25

ife After The Womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…

Quiz SOME of you may know that last week WE’VE lived through the perils of the killer Spending a lot of time doing my favourite thing recently. Travelling on The Tube. Not Battersea Court was without hot water for pharaoh’s ants, we’ve suffered the anxiety only is it a tube, though, but a network of all these tunnels, all very-readily signed so that 3 days. On the 2nd day I wandered into the of having a Bacardi thief in our midst you know where you are going to and if you get lost you know were you are going to so kitchen and went to make a cup of Earl but last week we at Battersea Rawson that you can change where you end up. Not like being on a bus where you’re not quite sure Grey tea. Where there used to be 1 kettle unfortunately encountered a slightly more which bus-stop you’re supposed to get off until you reach the end and you know you’ve there were now 2! I thought that I had serious problem – our water became gone past where you were hoping to go. double vision, so for a while I banged my infected with Legionella Bacteria, more Escalators. Posters. People sticking chewing-gun onto the posters because they couldn’t head against the oven. After realising that commonly known to most as the stuff find a table to stick it under and stickers saying “I don’t buy E$$o” - not that they would there really were 2 kettles, I bandaged up that can cause the dreaded Legionnaire’s because most of them are famous and would make their drivers get out and pay, only to my head and proceeded to make an express Disease. On Tuesday night we were reimburse them later. And the speech bubbles are always the right way around: they must cup of tea. Basically to do this you put informed that our hot water supply was have two sets of stickers or know how to reflect in the y-axis on their graphics-design half a cup of water in one kettle, half in being switched off because of this, and package. the other kettle, and switch them on. Hey before the serious reason sunk in we were The ticket barriers that know where you are going and where you have been and whether Prescott! You have an express cup of tea! all more worried about smelling than you have cross-London transfer on them. Only to cross London, mind, and certainly not QUIETLY sniffing in the subtle lemony popping our clogs. Neil, however, claimed to poke your head above the surface at more than one station. But if you only did it once aroma of the Earl, I thought back to my that this really wouldn’t make much of a then you could spend all day travelling around on The Tube and not actually go anywhere GCSE science days, and wondered whether difference to him, since his weekly shower except where you wanted to and just take a lot longer than everyone else is expecting you a 6-month-old kettle would heat water is on a Friday anyway! However, after a to take. faster than a brand new kettle. So I got the phone call to home, where my mum (ever Brown and Bakerloo. Blue and Piccadilly. Pink for Hammersmith and City. The last kettles, emptied them out, and then poured the calming influence) told me not to worry one was the short straw: poor old Hammersmith and City: none of this lovely bold Green exactly 1litre of cold water in. To make but that the survival rate if I got ill was or Yellow of District or Circle but instead Pink. Not even vibrant, just Pink. Northern so sure they each had equal power I took them about 50%! Luckily we were only without moody in Black - walking up the middle without a care in the world. Waterloo. Euston. off the double plug and gave them a wall water until the Friday, and so far no one Kings Cross (mind the escalator). Marylebone. Mary! The bone! Except Mary was socket each. The results? Well actually I is ill… but if you smelt something bad on French and it was therefore “Mary: le bone!” Is bone a masculine word? If it isn’t then it set them boiling, got bored of waiting and campus last week, it was probably someone should be. went into my room and missed it… so I did from Battersea Court! it again and this time I got the results!! The LAST night the Rawson Phenomenon new kettle won by under half a second! reared its rather comical head again. Being I FINISHED the cup of tea and then started in a bit of a rush before heading off to to think what possibly could happen in the Union, myself and a friend decided order for them to give us another freezer to succumb to the evils of pizzaman once (which is what we really need!). We get an again. After a phone conversation in which ant infestation, and we get given another the pizza man came out with “Rawson, fridge. We get legionella in our hot water, where is that? Is it on campus?” we and they give us another kettle. Hmmmm… settled down to some mindless TV eagerly . How about if a miniature volcano erupted awaiting our pizza. After about an hour from the grass in front of the library!! Due and still no pizza, we decided to give them What’s with Docklands Light Railway? Have you been on it? Very good it is - takes you to the extreme heat, that way we’re sure to a ring back and this time we got “I could to Canary Wharf if you want to, though I’m not sure what a canary might need with a get a freezer!! Right then I’ll get digging, not find Rawson, where it is? Opposite the docking area. Looking for relatives, perhaps? Anyway, it starts high - not as high as the but first…a nice cup of tea. launderette? But I do not know where the top floor of Canary Wharf, I’ll give you that - and then ducks down into Bank on Central chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter launderette is!” I am starting to wonder Red. Quite a jaunt it is, especially standing on the swish circular bit it has in the middle to whether Battersea Rawson is actually in ensure that smooth cornering ability. Point being it doesn’t have a bold colour - stripy, it is. some kind of parallel dimension. Perhaps That’s the price to pay of being the fashion, you see. it is really a mirage, only visible to those Picking up other people’s newspapers because they have left them behind. The Metro. of us lucky enough to live in this lovely ant It’s free and has a circulation of some 1.4m. How come - it’s always a day old? Short and virus infested building. Maybe that’s articles. Lots of pictures. No wonder Harry Potter is so popular of late. What happened to why nobody ever comes to visit us! The Beano? Is Roger the Dodger still about? ‘ickle sarah butterworth Not many Daily Mirrors, some Guardians, lots of The Times and the very occasional Independent. Financial Times serving a similar sort of penance as Hammersmith and City for some reason and going with the Pink, sometimes successfully depending on whether there is any red on the cover. Upside-down answers Always a copy of The Sun by the time I get to Waterloo. Either I’m actively looking out Lyrics quiz: [1] “i will” - the beatles for it or it is actively looking out for me. Mind, it’s a newspaper so it must be the former. [2] “tearjerker” - red hot chili peppers [3] “at the library” - green day [4] “san Very trusting at WH Smiths now, aren’t they? Drop your money in that little coin-receiver dimas high school football rules” - the (well, it’s not a dispenser) and take away your paper. If you’re going to nick a copy of The ataris [5] “promise me” - beverly craven [6] “everyday hurts” - sad cafe [7] Independent then you’re certainly not going to read it, are you? And The Sun is only 20p “monosyllabic girl” - nofx [8] “my sexy so you don’t lose much. girlfriend” - hi-standard [9] “death star” - the presidents of the united states of I know it’s 20p because it says so in extraordinarily large type on the front. 20p it says. america [10] “today’s bargain” - radish Bigger than the headline. Inflated sense of self-worth, that. WWTBAM: [£100: c]; [£200: d]; [£300: Page 3 girls. I remember a time when I used to be the same age as those girls that appear b]; [£500: c]; [£1k: c]; [£2k: c]; [£4k: d]; [£8k: b]; [£16k: a];[£32k: c]; [£64k: there. Now I’m older. Still undecided as to whether that’s a good thing or not. Why do b]; [£125k: d]; [£250k: a]; [£500k: a]; we need to know where they are from? Rebecca from Norwich. Oh right - should I pop [£1m: a]. around to visit and wish her all the best with her career? Enquire as to how she can twist her waist such that her nipples can be in the same picture as both cheeks of her bottom? Why page 3? If you’ve bought a paper, likelihood is that you will turn over the first page. Why not page 36, then? I suppose it depends if the paper costs 20p or not. I wonder how much of the 20p the page 3 girl sees? It might vary depending on whether she can display the nipple/both cheeks skill or not. You’d have to be 19 for that. Mainline. www.thetube.com. Harry Beck: a wonderful man. 26 LIFESTYLE 27 February 2003 almost accurate astrology hot & sweaty words: victoria venning It struck me the other day how truly bizarre my visits to the gym really are, now don’t because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive get me wrong, I’m all up for a bit of exercise and enjoy the fact that just a hop, skip and a jump away from my campus room is a place were I can go to get my heart racing and my words: jessie taylor Leo muscles stretching. So there I was in my rather tiny sports shorts (please note: at no other Aquarius You should be feeling very time would I wear anything that small) with my mini-disc player on full blast in a vain As the great Yuri Yakovich said, pleased about what life has attempt to take my mind ‘never let a bishop probe your to offer at the moment. The off the fact that I was, in weakness’. You would do well cryptic clue that you should be answering is actuality running as fast to heed his advice this week as impulsive ‘Turning a switch on for the girl’. Sounds as I could but not getting aquarians may find themselves in an like it could be good news for all involved anywhere, (yeah I know uncomfortable situation on Monday. Don’t and looking back you can be thankful you that’s what’s supposed to go into attack, just hang back and ride over aimed as high as you did. the facts of life happen on a treadmill, but the rough spots till balance is restored at the still...) whilst at the same weekend. Virgo time watching a far-away You’re debating with yourself television screen with the Pisces whether to rely on your animal sound totally muted and Fulfilling any long-cherished instincts or go with a more trying to avoid my ever dreams becomes a reality this conventional analysis of situations. Trust reddening reflection in the week as you emerge from a period of yourself - don’t you remember being told wall of mirrors directly in front and to each side of me. I’m sure there must be some reason unrest. You are now finally ready to be you had ‘speed of puma, ear of bat’? behind these mirrors; encouragement perhaps - ‘Wow, I don‘t look quite as out-of-puff at tickled in all the right places so take full 2.5km as I did last week’? to check out your muscles? to check out other people’s muscles advantage and expose yourself. Libra behind you?, I’m not sure, but all I do know is that I’m not too keen The last thing I want Naturally, everyone has a to do when I’m exercising and have almost an entire necklace full of sweat beads running Aries reason to kill you this week, down my face, my hair stuck to the back of my neck and my skin all blotchy and pink, is Some minor troubles may and although you’d like to hole to look at myself in the mirror and have a realisation of what other people are seeing when plague you throughout the next yourself away in an isolated French they look in my direction Now I know that none of us look particularly attractive when in week. If you run up against a problem manor house, you must face the the middle of a work-out (although I’m sure the ever beautiful Mr and Mrs Pitt still sparkle that can’t be solved, for once you can bury music. Watch out for those who in the gym) it’s just I’d really rather not know. So there we all are, rows and rows your head in the sand and wait for it to pass may proclaim you the new John F of us, running, cycling, rowing and stepping, with everyone perspiring, whilst always remembering the ancient Kennedy. He had charisma and style dripping and panting, but hey, it’s all ok, because apparently that’s proverb ‘a lettuce is sure to creep into the and a massive gunshot wound to the what you do when you’re in the gym. constituents of the meal’. back of the head.

Taurus Scorpio Love is in the air for some lucky Why not try some nude taureans this week, now the gymnastics to view things anti-climax that is Valentines day has died from a fresh angle? Though If during the week you feel quite bored, then I can down you can get on with some seriously take note, it is important that people know recommend www.blogjam.com/despot_or_sexpot as a nice sensual snuggling. As for the rest you may where you are standing on important way to pass your time. Not only will it amuse you, but you find romance at home, but why they always issues otherwise the photos could can also test your moustache recollection skills by deciding have to use your bedroom is beyond you. be quite embarrassing. whether a displayed photo of a moustache belongs to either an evil world dictator, or an American porn star. I only Gemini Sagittarius scored 9/16 on this site, and apparently that shows that I had Some good ideas that you have All the wishing a “sheltered upbringing”. Put your speakers on for a rather had recently could remedy in the world can’t amusing rendition of that Carman Boreha… although it does problems no-one has been able change a recent get very annoying after a few loops! to resolve. Take care though, although they disappointing mark, but animal sacrifices The architect Mies Van Der Rohe once said: “Less is say lightening never strikes the same place have been known to work wonders. Just more”, so a couple of people decided to set up a website twice, that doesn’t mean you should feel remember weasels have very sharp teeth (www.the5line.com ) where you can submit a picture of comfortable once you’re out of hospital. and can be vicious if provoked. yourself… drawn with a maximum of 5 lines. Browsing through the pictures in the gallery you’ll be amazed at how Cancer Capricorn much you can actually draw using only 5 lines. You can Your concern over what kind of If you live your life by the rule either scan in a drawing and submit it, or do one in any paint mother you’ll be is admirable, of thumb that is ‘never arrive at program and submit it. I did one the other day, although it not to mention rare for such the cinema until all the adverts probably wasn’t good enough. a young man. This period of maternal and trailers have finished so you can sit words: chris hunter emotion sees a transformation in your love straight down and watch the film’ beware life especially with the imminent full moon. the danger of sitting down hurriedly in the dark and impaling yourself on the drinks www.ussu.co.uk/elections03 holder. 27 February 2003 SPORT 27 Surrey’s footballing aces take Roehampton to the cleaners

A CRISP DAY at the Fortress Varsity saw the BY DAVE ‘JONAH’ JONES second annual battle of the Federal Cup between the respective Surrey institutions University of Surrey 1st XI 2 last week. Each of Roehampton’s teams st compete in higher BUSA divisions than our Roehampton 1 XI 1 top three XI’s, but the men’s football Surrey Aces were determined to do their part to University of Surrey 2nd XI 2 ensure the Cup would be secured in the Roehampton 2nd XI 1 Manor Farm vault for the next 12 months. Fixtures against Roehampton are always hotly contested affairs and these were no University of Surrey 3rd XI 3 11 PA UniS Stingers make it to Europe different, with crunching tackles flying in Roehampton 3rd XI 1 early doors from all quarters. The 3rd XI BY DAVE SKINNER P Fulford, G Hart, M Saunders, R Scruby recorded the most comfortable winning (former Stinger), A Stitt, D Tobin (current margin with goals from Duncan Ayres WITH THE PA Knights naming their European Stinger), P Wakeford (more a one-two with the goalie after he claimed Man of the Match, and no player squad to represent the UK in this years EFAF Tight Ends: N Budd, R Camplin, R Ellis fluffed a penalty), Wallace and Mike Green gave less than 100%. On the 1st XI pitch cup (equivalent to the UEFA Cup), 11 of (current Stinger), K Lettman (current securing a 3-1 triumph. Captain Powello a smashing performance from Toby Farmer this years PA University of Surrey Stingers Stinger) masterminded the victory with a Man-of- made the difference in a closely fought squad can look forward to joining 7 former Wide Receivers: J Allen (former Stinger), the-Match performance in the heart of the match, which looked to be heading to a Stingers in the Knights European campaign. S Belcher, J Clark, R Edgerton, A Gilley, D Surrey defence. The 2nd XI weren’t phased 1-1 draw as the clock ticked down. Club The PA Knights have so far named 55 of Graham (current Stinger), J Wyse by the throng of opposition support heckling Chairman Scouse, in his final university the 60 man roster who will, this year, play Offensive Line: P Biscombe (former from the sideline and a 1st half wonder fixture, had other ideas and rose gracefully to against the Swiss national champions and Stinger), D Carpenter, B Kenton, K strike from Neil Johnson soon shut them up. nod in Farmer’s cross in the closing minutes, the no. 3 Austrian team in what promises to Keohane, M Lockwood, D Nesbeth, P A rousing half-time pep talk from captain to complete his brace & the USFC hat-trick be very exciting match ups. The games are Setterfield, J Shepherd (current Stinger), D O’Sullivan inspired a fantastic second half over our tough opposition. Naturally an to take place at the end of April and start of Skinner (current Stinger) performance with our backs against the wall evening of celebrations followed, highlight May with the Knights first facing the Zurich Defensive Line: S Clackson, C Cook, G for the most part. Roehampton levelled with of which had to be Scouse’s dancing & Renegades from Switzerland on Sunday Duarte (current Stinger), S Harrison, T over half an hour to play and squandered stripping antics on stage. Well done boys! 27th April at the Varsity Centre, Guildford. McKenzie, M McMillan, R Rochester, D chances to take the lead, but Leon Bishop The Following Thursday, the Knights fly to Sweatman, J Vaamonde for one was not prepared to share the spoils For more information of the day and Innsbruck, Austria to take on the Tyrolean Line Backers: S Gray, B King, J McLees as he calmly slotted in the Surrey winner. general sports discussion, check out the Raiders in the 17,000 seat New Tyrolean (current Stinger), T Porter, G Robbins, S Toby Spalding was a rock in defence and bulletin board on www.ussu.co.uk Stadium in a game that will be broadcast Sadaba (current Stinger), S Scrivens, S live on Austrian TV. Stonelake, M Tomas The Knights squad (in alphabetical order Defensive Backs: J Cashman, A Grist by position) (current Stinger), S Hollingdale (current Quarter Backs: A Heath (former Stinger), Stinger), A Mitchell (former Stinger), G personals W Mayers Neilan, C Saylor, P Waddington Running Backs: A Ashaye (former Stinger),

To the cute girl who was at the Dr no-one fancies you thinkin of u adam sexy guy i cant stop staring at it! so am i Strangelove screening Friday night: stonewash or no wash? please get in contact. P. TEAM EATON IS COMING evan...check the mens loos in the HRB. you can’t be serious with this Rent-A- Sexygirls you are too kind too me! From Hope all my sexy birds and buds are Go on chris, pop the question! Shag thing? and why are you going for Sexyboy smiling? Lots of love from Basingstoke men now? xxx Idiot outgrown village requires small Hey,u,sexy Nicky, I’ve never seen anyone town! Cameron i wouldn\’t have to keep telling looking sweeter than u with your hood Could you please advise on the you if you remembered the understood on! xxx constitutional procedure for complaint Uni Court House 58 would you like some the first time against eggs with that! Please... no more threesomes... I’d prefer a serving president? Just shut up & ..... a bit of 1 on 1 next time!!!!!!! Hell Is For Heroes March 22nd, see ya in Oi ginger - don’t hide it Howard. the pit! Mandles and me to the moon and back. Whatever happened to the surrey scoop? XX Some people get offended by everything. So Howard, why don’t you just be Poo’in’rah don’t think this is gonna natural? work, isn’t it? Oi Webbie! Hey u sexy boy of the whole what mark lost his bag? uni! Your sweeter than the sweetest Howard, we all know the truth... GU2 says: we only wanted to give pineapple lollipop! You have made an honest women of me everyone else a chance. now! everyone knows howard, you ginger we wish we could spread cinnamon ninja Happy Birthday Axe Man! Hope you butter all over u! Keep smiling Yugoslav are girls supposed to have dimples in have a great night. Gell xxxxxxxx girl! ;-) their backs? Granny... we love you! It is true! Hence forth, Tuesday 18th February shall be known as Men’s sexy spaniard! dont let that mouse death Bring back photos from Union nights on Pyridine Survival Day! AYE! or is that nibble too much because ur running out the web site! AZE! of cheese! submit a personal

I don\’t think anyone reads this. I K, vibrators cause televison i love u....u know who this is for...sexy online: clearly requested pity valentine cards intereference you know? love, HM BOY! www.ussu.co.uk last week, yet none turned up. What\’s your excuse? Christie, nice teeth. oi webbie! ur sexy t-shirt is so nice! naughty 28 27 February 2003 SURREY PRIDE University of Surrey bring home the Federal Cup

BY RICHARD WATTS

University of Surrey 8 University of Surrey (Roehampton) 3

THR UNIVERSITY OF Surrey completed an 8-3 victory against opponents Roehampton in the second annual Federal Sports Day, thus claiming sweet revenge for the draw that saw the trophy go to Roehampton last year. With sterling performances by the three men’s football teams leading the way, UniS recorded what was in the end a comfortable victory over their federal rivals, completing a successful year against the op- ponents from just down the A3. Vice President Sports, Denise Goodwin, said: “I’m delighted that we have won and that the trophy can come back to Guildford. We were disappointed not to win outright last year and so to win convincingly this time around makes the day all the better. Thanks to Roehampton, though, for keeping us on our toes.” Following the day, the Vice Chancellor Professor Patrick Dowling and Rector of Roehampton, Dr Bernadette Porter, joined Ms Goodwin at the presentation of the cup and congratulated each university on their sporting achievements displayed throughout the day. Later on that evening, the Wednesday Night Out at the Union saw the launch of this year’s Colours Ball. This year’s event is to be held at Savill Court in Egham, following on from last year’s successful event there and will take place on Friday Above: a Roehampton player hands the Federal trophy over to a UniS player as the Guildford based uni claim victory in the second 16th May. annual Federal Cup between the two universities. Photo: Paul Wright Tickets cost £45 for those that are involved in sport and have paid their participaion fees, £50 otherwise, and are available from the sports office Federal sports day men’s football match Triumph for squash team at national championships reports on page 23. UniS player becomes divisional national champion at BUSA’s in Birmingham

LAST WEEKEND SAW Surrey’s finest (well BY CHRIS PETCH the squash team!) travel to Birmingham to compete in the BUSA Individual’s was suffering from a lack of sleep, brought National Championships. We had entries about by the ridiculous workload of a final in two of the five divisions and with the year; we don’t really need to say what first round matches scheduled to start at degree, do we? Paul battled to cope with 2pm and registration at 12pm, an early the conditions on the court, (similar to the start was required on Friday morning. Not Serengeti) and his tiredness. He played well, our strongest point! Still we all made it up competing with his opponent all the way, Above: Dr Bernadette Porter, Rector of safely and found ourselves in good spirits until loosing at the very last to the eventual Roehampton, the VC and Denise Goodwin upon arriving at the courts. Then we were winner of the division. So with Friday over, at the presentation. Photo: Paul Wright informed that the first matches were not just two of the Surrey lads were left in the until 8pm for some of our players! So eight main draw. After the delights of the ‘Guild’ Sports writers and hours to kill at Birmingham Uni Sports (Birmingham’s Union), the lads were ready match reports Centre! So off we went to the hotel to check for a hard days competition. Chris and in and relax for a while. Upon returning to Martin Page progressed through opposite Surrey in the final the next day. No problem the courts some time later, Chris Petch got sides of the draw through to the semi finals; ensued, with Chris’s great shot making, If you are interested in writing the Surrey boy’s off to a good start with it was looking good for an all Surrey Final length and width proving too much for sports articles for barefacts or if a convincing win in four games. Mike on Sunday morning! Chris dispatched of his his opponent. The weekend proved a you have a sports story/match Willmoor competed well (considering how opponent, with clinical efficiency and the good chance to get a look at some of the report, then please email our new unwell he was feeling) going six points clear minimum of effort, whilst Martin struggled competition for the team event, and Surrey in each of his games, hitting winners from to cope with his opponent’s level of fitness, are now feeling pretty confident as we have sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on unbelievable positions, fading towards the going down in straight games. So it was just a Divisional National Champion in our [email protected] end at the crucial points. Paul Chance Chris left to get glory and revenge for team!