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Kiltarlity and Wardlaw Churches
Once upon a time there was a monastery. It had flourished for many years, but now there were far fewer monks – in fact only the old Abbot and four others were left – and all of them were growing old. In the woods alongside the monastery there was a little hut, where a Rabbi from a nearby town came to pray. So, as the Abbot agonised over the decline of his order, he decided to visit the Rabbi to seek his advice.
The Rabbi welcomed the Abbot into his tiny hut, but when he told him his problem the wise Rabbi could only shake his head and commiserate with him. “I know how it is” he said, “Almost no-one comes to my synagogue anymore.” So the Abbot and the Rabbi prayed together.
The time came for the Abbot to leave, and they embraced each other. “It’s been wonderful to meet after all these years,” said the Abbot, “but I have failed in my purpose in coming here. Is there nothing you can tell me, no piece of advice you can give to help my dying order ?” “No, I am sorry” replied the Rabbi, “I have no advice to give. The only thing I can tell you is that the Messiah is one of you.”
The Abbot returned a little puzzled and repeated the wise Rabbi’s words to his fellow monks. In the days that followed, the old monks wondered if there could be any significance in his cryptic words. Could he possibly mean that the Messiah might be one of the monks in the monastery ? If he did, then which one ? Surely he meant Father Abbot. He has been our leader for more than a generation. But he might have meant Brother Thomas, certainly he is a holy man. But he couldn’t have meant Brother Elred ! He gets so crotchety at times …. But even though he’s a pain in the neck, he does seem to be right a lot of the time ….. so perhaps he did mean Elred ? But not Brother Philip – he’s too passive, a real nobody. But then again, he’s always there when you need him. Perhaps Philip is the Messiah ? He couldn’t mean me, could he ?
As they contemplated the matter, the old monks began to treat each other with an extraordinary respect on the off chance that one of them might be the Messiah. Quickly the word spread to the nearby village. Soon people began to visit the monastery to picnic, to play, and to pray. Then it happened. Some of the younger men talked more and more with the old monks until one asked if he might join the order. Then another, and another, and then another ……
To save the monastery the Abbot needed more brothers. The Rabbi could have suggested to him a cunning plan, a great strategy for recruitment with an impressive 5 year business plan. He was so much wiser than that. He helped them grow closer together, to love and listen and respect each other and, in eager anticipation, to look for Christ moving among them day by day.
This story is taken from the summer 2014 Kirklink ( parishes of Westray & Papay ) newsletter, thanks to Rev. Iain MacDonald
Rev. Peter Donald, our Interim Moderator, was on holiday on the publication date of this issue.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 1 of 22
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WW1: Woodbine Willie by David Winter
The Rev George Anketell Studdert Kennedy was the son of a parson who followed in his father’s calling and in 1914 became vicar of St Paul’s, Worcester. Within a few weeks the Great War began and George, like many other young clergy, immediately volunteered as an army chaplain and soon found himself on the western front, right in the middle of the ‘war to end all wars.’ By the time the war was over he had achieved an odd new name, a Military Cross for ’exceptional bravery’ and an honoured place in its annals. The young chaplain had become ‘Woodbine Willie’ - a nickname given him by the soldiers in the trenches, but which stuck with him for the rest of his life.
People under fifty probably won’t have any idea what a ‘Woodbine’ was, but for my generation it was the cheapest way into the forbidden joys of smoking. ‘Woodbines’ - small cigarettes - were available in packets of five ( rather than ten or twenty ) and so even pocket money could buy them. During the Great War they were the standard popular ‘fag’ in an era when almost all men smoked. Indeed, my father, tending wounded and even dying men as an army medic, would routinely light a cigarette and place it between their lips.
‘Woodbine Willie’ carried a permanent supply of Woodbines in his pockets along with his Bible - hence the nickname. He gave men a ‘fag,’ and at the same time, in the most natural way, offered them encouragement, sympathy and prayer. He insisted on sharing all their experiences, including going into No Man’s Land to minister to the injured and dying - allies or enemies.
The chaplains serving on the battle-field won the universal respect of the troops. They insisted on sharing the life of the trenches and getting to know the soldiers personally. This led many chaplains, including Studdert Kennedy, radically to alter their approach and even their theology. They quickly realised how remote the average soldier was from formal church services and the language of the Bible and the Prayer Book. They came back after the War determined to change things in church, but it wasn‘t easy.
Studdert Kennedy moved from being a typical Edwardian parson, who thought that the main object of a war was to win it - he once joined the troops for bayonet practice - to being a convinced pacifist who thought the best thing to do with wars was to end them.
After the war he became a vicar in the City of London, a published poet and in the early days of radio a popular broadcaster. When he died in 1929 it was reported that crowds lined the pavements as his funeral procession made its way through the streets. Food for the Fed-up was the title of a book he wrote principally for the soldiers in the trenches. It was the Creed explained in their language. The Unutterable Beauty was the title of his Collected Poems, many of them based on his experience of the western front. He did indeed find a mysterious beauty in the grim humour, honest fear and raw courage of the men with whom he had so often shared a fag and a prayer.
4th August – Time for Lights Out ! Every householder in Britain is being asked to take part in Lights Out, from your home or workplace, by switching off your lights from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m., leaving only a single light or candle lit. This will be a UK wide moment of reflection which will mark 100 years since the start of the First World War.
The nationwide event is based on the famous comment attributed to Sir Edward Grey, the Foreign Secretary, on the eve of the conflict in 1914. He said: “The lamps are going out all over Europe; we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.” He made the remark the day before war was declared, as he gazed across St James’s Park from his window at the Foreign Office at the gas lamps being lit.
The switch-off is being called Lights Out, and is backed by the Government as “one of the most dramatic UK- wide events ever organised.” There will be a service for the Commonwealth at Glasgow Cathedral on 4th August – 10 a.m. to 10:50 a.m.
The ‘Lights Out’ will take place at the same time as a candlelit vigil of prayers, readings and music held in Westminster Abbey. There candles will be extinguished one by one until a single flame is snuffed out at 11p.m. More details at: www.centenarynews.com
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 2 of 22
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Invisible Church project attracts international interest
A ground breaking research project investigating the many Christians who are no longer part of congregations is attracting international interest.
The ‘Investigating the Invisible Church’ project run by the Church of Scotland carried out an in depth study of Christians who do not attend church. Its findings have been described as a ‘fundamental revision of some of the perceived realities we hold about the Church.’ Now churches in the Netherlands and Australia are considering running similar studies in their own communities.
The Invisible Church project is being led by Steve Aisthorpe, a Mission Development Worker based in Kincraig. Intrigued by the impact of rapid social change, Steve wanted to find out whether falling levels of church attendance were matched by a corresponding drop in Christian faith. “I wanted to meet people and get behind the statistics,” says Steve, “I wanted to find out where they have gone – and why?”
The latest figures for the next edition of UK Church Statistics show overall church attendance in England is holding its own, with increases in some areas offsetting decreases in others. A greater proportion of Scots go to church, but it’s predicted the downward trend here will take longer to turn around. Despite this, 1.7 million Scots expressed their belonging to the Church of Scotland in the 2011 census. If there is an apparent contradiction in these figures, the Invisible Church survey found the main pattern is not one of decline within the Christian community, but rather of changing patterns in how people express their Christian faith.
The research was conducted in the Highlands and Islands last autumn, using a range of interviewing techniques including a random telephone poll of five and a half thousand people – half of whom agreed to take part. Of these, 44% described themselves as Christian but said they didn’t attend church. More than 400 returned an in depth follow up survey.
The responses showed many people had previously attended church for a long period, and the process of leaving had been a gradual withdrawal which had often gone unnoticed by other members of the congregation. Steve says this questions our ideas of pastoral awareness – how well do we really know our members and is the church there for them when they need it most ? Very few people said anyone had asked them why they’d chosen to go.
Far from leaving for trivial reasons, most described a prolonged period of soul-searching before reaching a painful decision. About a third of respondents said it had been a change in them which had led to their departure. The overwhelming majority said they were not disappointed with God, and they still felt part of the Christian community. The research pointed to new forms of fellowship which are growing outside the traditional church structures – in people’s homes, and other places where some people feel they can have more impact and form new congregations.
Steve Aisthorpe is continuing the work of the Invisible Church project, interpreting the data, giving talks on the results and promoting links with other churches facing similar challenges. He says the Church needs to decide its response, and he’s inviting people to read the reports which can be found at these links on the Resourcing Mission website and contact him with their thoughts.
www.resourcingmission.org.uk/resources/faith-journeys-beyond-congregations www.resourcingmission.org.uk/resources/investigating-invisible-church
The 10 countries with the worst record for persecuting Christians in 2014 are ( in order ): North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Maldives, Pakistan, Iran and Yemen.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 3 of 22
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GOD and EVE
'God, I have a problem.' 'What's your problem Eve ?' 'I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy,' 'And why is that Eve ?' 'God, I am lonely and bored and I'm sick to death of apples.' 'Well Eve, in that case I shall create a man for you' 'Man ? What is that, God ?' 'A flawed base creature with many bad traits, he'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will revel in childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a limited emotional capacity so will need to be trained. He will look silly when aroused, but since you've been complaining of boredom, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs and you need never be bored again.' 'Sounds great', said Eve but what's the catch, God' 'Well, you can have him on one condition.' 'And what's that, God ?' 'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.'
Life - ( John 6:68 )
Life is not always fair, or kind. Life batters, People betray, let us down, Even those we trusted with our hearts and health. Landscapes change, Things we knew and understood Are tossed in the air To come down damaged and different. It all seems too hard, Too hard to bear. And it isn’t fair.
What then? Give up, turn back, Collapse and concentrate on the disintegration ? Or with Peter, look up and say, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that You are the Holy One of God.”
Life is not always fair, or kind. That’s why Jesus came.
By Daphne Kitching
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 4 of 22
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PARISH NOTICE BOARD
. Leslie A. J. Maclean passed away on 30th June 2014 and a service in loving memory was held at Kiltarlity Church on Monday, 7th July 2014 followed by an interment at Tomnacross Cemetery. We send our most heartfelt sympathies to Ruaridh, Joy and the rest of the Maclean family for their loss. ‘And now these three remain : faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:13
. We offer our appreciation to Rev. Dennis Brice, Rev. Morven Archer, Rev. Bill Freel and Mr Stewart Robertson
for leading our Sunday worship in July.
. The Kirkhill Kirk Session will be meeting on Tuesday, 19th August 2014 at Wardlaw Church, Kirkhill. Anyone may attend this meeting, but only the Elders have decision-making powers.
. The joint Kirk Sessions of Kirkhill and Kiltarlity met on Wednesday, 2nd July 2014 to carry out a six month review of the twelve month trial of the change in worship times which started in January 2014. The Kirkhill Elders indicated that the earlier time of 10 o’clock was not showing any benefit to attendances at Wardlaw Church, with many of the older members of the congregation not making the new start time. The Kiltarlity Elders were pleased to report that they had seen improved attendances, especially members with families. A final decision of the worship times will be made at a joint meeting to be held on 26th November 2014 at Wardlaw Church, Kirkhill. In the meantime, please let your Elder know your views on how the trial change of worship time is affecting you as an individual.
. Apologies to Joanne Chisholm of Lentran who completed the Highland Cross on 21st June 2014 in under 8 hours, but I failed to acknowledge her name on the list of local competitors published in July 2014 issue of The Parishioner. Joanne and Duncan Chisholm both beat their 2013 times by over 30 minutes in 2014.
. Liza Quinn’s father, Tommy Leslie, died in hospital in Aberdeen with his wife Margaret by his side. The funeral was in Westray in Orkney, the home of the Leslie family, on Friday, 18th July. The service was conducted by Rev. Iain MacDonald. We offer our deepest condolences to Margaret, Daniel, Liza, Jacquie, Yvonne and the rest of the Leslie family at their sad loss.
. There is no Third Sunday Praise in August.
. Due to Rev. Peter Donald being on holiday, I am unable to publish the names of the pulpit supply preachers for the 17th to 31st August inclusive.
. Many thanks to Margaret Birkbeck for proof reading this edition.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 5 of 22
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50 Life Lessons by Regina Brett th Article in Inverness Courier on 17 June 2014 Regina Brett ( born May 31st, 1956 ) is a newspaper columnist and author, currently writing for The Plain Dealer, a daily newspaper serving Cleveland, Ohio. This is one of her most requested columns.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay packet. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. 17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. 18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22.Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23.Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. The most important sex organ is the brain. 24.No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 25.Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. /Contd.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 6 of 22
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50 Life Lessons by Regina Brett ( contd. )
Article in Inverness Courier on 17th June 2014 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. 38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 45. The best is yet to come. 46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 48. If you don't ask, you don't get. 49. Yield. 50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. Thanks to Mary Bell for finding these wise words.
Forgive Praise Almighty God, most merciful You know our thoughts and deeds When light creeps in through the chinks of the door Our sins have been most plentiful When the mist ascends from the mountain floor, Forgive, we plead ! When the ocean shimmers like burnished ore, Let me give the praise. Our hearts are far from You, O Lord You should be first, not last O God of the morning, Christ of the hills, Our neighbours have not known accord O Spirit who all the firmament fills, Forgive our past ! O Trinity blest who all goodness wills, Keep us all our days. Help us amend what we’ve become Direct what we shall be From ‘Morning’, an ancient Celtic poem
With justice, mercy, peace we come Humbly with Thee !
By Nigel Beeton
Oops - Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. Drowned - Sadly, my friend drowned this summer in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 7 of 22
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Beauly Care Project - Senior Citizen’s Afternoon Teas in 2014 . Kiltarlity and Kilmorack dates are Tuesdays and Kirkhill dates are a Thursday 2:30 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. – cost £1 .
Month Kiltarlity Community Centre Kilmorack Hall Kirkhill Community Centre Elspeth Colburn Frances Grant Flora Morrison 741 627 782 496 831 373 August 12th 19th 28th September 9th 16th 25th October 14th 21st 30th November 11th 18th 27th Special Christmas Afternoon Tea at Kilmorack Hall on 16th December 2014
Vacancy News
There is no further update in the search for a new Minister to report on over the past month. Any information about potential candidates would be welcomed. We remain hopeful and trust in the Lord that He will provide in His time.
The committee would like to thank all who have expressed their appreciation for the work they have been doing and value the ongoing prayer support of the congregations.
Members of the Nominating Committee are :
Angie Cosens – 782 141 David Garvie – 741 038 Iain Marr - 831 609 Moira McDonald – 831 333 Sheila Moir – 741 618 Alasdair Morrison – 831 185 Ellenor Thomas – 741 330 Neil Watson – 741 876 Iain J. Mortimer – 782 648
Summer fun day for primary school children and older nursery children at Kiltarlity Village Hall
Wednesday, 13th August from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. in the Kiltarlity Village Hall.
The theme this year is Noah and there will be lots of fun action songs, drama and craft
planned. OJ Sports will also be running the sports part of it. Barbecue for lunch. There will also be a family service on the Sunday following the fun day at Kiltarlity Church at which the drama and songs from the day will be performed. Please spread the word amongst all the children you know so that we get a good turnout.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 8 of 22
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THE WAY I SEE IT: What’s in a word? by Canon David Winter
We were in the supermarket queue. The woman in front of me was greeted by a friend, who asked how she was. ‘Well,’ she replied, ‘I’ve been under the doctor again with my legs.’ Her friend knew what she meant. I knew what she meant and the woman at the till knew what she meant. But try translating that into, say, French: ‘J’etais sous le medecin encore avec mes jambes.’ Now it becomes utterly baffling, and possibly indecent.
Words are funny things and our use of them even funnier. Most languages, and even local areas, have ways of saying things that are peculiar ( in the proper meaning of the word ). I remember years ago driving past a scrawled sign at the side of a major road in the north-east where there had been several nasty accidents. ‘Gan canny, hinnes’, it advised. Clearly ‘foreigners’ were welcome to kill themselves if they chose.
Mostly our little misunderstandings of what is said or written don‘t matter, but sometimes they matter a great deal. We ask, in the Lord‘s Prayer, that God will not ‘lead us into temptation.‘ Why on earth would he want to do that ? Later in the Bible we are told quite clearly ‘God himself tempts no one. But one is tempted by one’s own desire, being lured and enticed by it’ ( James 1:13 ). The word translated ’temptation’ in the Lord’s Prayer really means ’tested’ - but every time anyone has tried to change it we all complain. Familiarity always trumps accuracy !
It’s also true of familiar sayings. ‘The exception proves the rule’ is commonly taken to mean that a single exception demonstrates the accuracy of the proposition. In fact, of course, it’s the old meaning of ‘proves,’ which is ( again ) ‘tests.’ The exception tests the theory. If there’s a single exception, then there’s no ‘rule.’
In practice, we assume that people understand - and if they don’t, they very quickly learn. Normally it doesn’t matter. One could hear what the woman said in the supermarket queue and remain baffled by her meaning ( as many younger people would be ) without it affecting us at all.
But sometimes it’s important. For instance, Jesus didn’t ‘come back from the dead.’ He rose. Believe me, there’s a big difference !
Do you believe the motoring myths ? Many of us drivers waste money and risk damaging our cars because of the ‘motor myths’ going around.
For example, do you think that premium fuel is good for cars every now and then ? False. High-grade fuel is suitable only for high-performance cars.
What about the idea that it’s best to fit new tyres to the front axle ? False. Having more grip on the REAR axle improves stability on slippery roads.
Should your car be warmed up before driving off ? No. The engine will warm up more quickly, use less fuel and pump out fewer carbon emissions if you drive at once.
Finally, what about running the fuel tank near to empty in order to help clean it ? False. Fuel tanks do not ‘self-clean,’ and driving with little or no fuel can be almost as damaging to your vehicle as putting in the wrong fuel.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 9 of 22
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Church’s strength highlighted on UK’s number one radio station
The Church of Scotland’s efforts in helping alleviate loneliness across society were highlighted on the UK’s most popular radio station as the Moderator of the General Assembly made a guest appearance on Radio Two’s Good Morning Sunday programme on 20th July 2014.
Rt Rev John Chalmers, chatting with presenter Clare Balding, described loneliness as “an epidemic throughout the country” before explaining how the Church of Scotland had a long tradition of opening its doors to those seeking a connection with others.
“For many, the only time people get out is when they go to church,” Mr Chalmers said. “Churches are good at bringing people in. There is a substantial number of people who pass through the doors of a church throughout the week. It’s why I think the number of people in the pews on a Sunday is sometimes secondary.”
Mr Chalmers also aired his views, on a station which attracts over 15 million listeners a week, about how the Church of Scotland can resonate with those seeking spiritual wellbeing.
“I would love to see more people come to church but it’s not all about numbers,” he said. “There are tens of thousands of people out there looking for an authentic spirituality, looking for purpose and meaning in their life and the church has something big to offer them. I’d love to see people come in and wrestle with the big questions. The parish church is there for the faithful and the forgetful. We’re there for everybody and we’re there when a real need in their life crops up.”
You can listen to the broadcast at http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b049xgxb - 39 minutes long.
This is a card from Deanne Rendall of Kirkhill who married Craig Clelland on 7th July 2014 at Dingwall Evangelical Church.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 10 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Letter from Nicky Guthrie Dear Friends,
I wish it were possible to express fully just how much your prayers and support have meant to me over the past few months – the love that streams from God through you has been so humbling and so heart-warming that it has actually made the experience of my illness far more wonderful than it has been challenging, and there is no denying that it has been challenging !
I have felt the prayers and the thoughts keenly and they have carried me through – thank you so, so much ! And also for all the cards and emails – really, really, what a difference they have made !
I floated through treatment, alone in that room with my head and shoulders screwed to the table by means of a very tight fitting mask that held even my eyes firmly shut, with Psalm 23 foremost in my mind, the second verse being particularly poignant in my case ( ‘He makes me lie down in green pastures’ ). And then I just rested in the arms of God.
The road has been hard, as I was warned it would be, but I am grateful for this because it has forced me to hold very tightly onto the hand of God. I am a pretty wayward child, obstinate, stubborn, opinionated and certainly not brave or stoic or wise and previously I had prayed fervently to be set straight. It wasn’t just that I needed forgiveness for sins, I needed to get out of the stuck situation I had got myself into. So this illness has actually been an answer to my prayers. I really don’t think there was any other way He could have done this for me and He has nurtured me through it all the way. I could go on and on… But I hope I can convey at least a little of the enormous gratitude I and the family feel towards all of you. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
We look forward to being amongst you again in body as well as spirit, very soon !
Nicky
Best wishes and a speedy recovery to our very good friend Mary Donaldson from Beauly on her up and coming replacement hip operation scheduled for early August at Raigmore Hospital. We will pray for the nurses and doctors attending you and wish you a speedy recovery.
Bob Weir had a fall at home recently and broke his hip. Bob had a successful operation on Friday, 18th July in Raigmore Hospital to repair the hip. At the time of publishing this newsletter, Bob is comfortable in Raigmore Hospital following the operation. We wish Bob a speedy recovery and hope that he able to return home in the near future.
Wrong water - A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half- filled with water. He was walking back and forth across the pool with an expression of great concentration on his face, and making big splashes. Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and with a look of disgust, began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. “What’s wrong, dear?" asked the mother. "My teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 11 of 22
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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW - We must stop this immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper ? Shopping bags are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become !
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time ! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face ! What do they think I am, a lip reader ?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be !
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days ! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the road in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 waist as a 40 ? Do they think no one notices ? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial ? HA ! I would never let myself weigh that much ! Just who do these people think they're fooling ?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but BT is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there !
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK ! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED !
One final thought - God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Thanks to Phil Tipper from the Isle of Mull for these observations
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 12 of 22
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Widespread faith in power of prayer across Scotland
The Church of Scotland has welcomed findings which show widespread faith in the power of prayer throughout the country. A joint report – titled The Faith and Belief Scotland Report recently published by the Scottish Government and the University of Edinburgh - found that a majority of respondents ( 57.6% ) either “strongly agreed” or “agreed” with the statement that prayer can have a real effect in this world.
Rev Sally Foster-Fulton, Convener of the Church and Society Council of the Church of Scotland, described the findings as “refreshing” in an era where the role of faith in the public sphere is not as prevalent as it was in days gone by.
Mrs Foster-Fulton added: “Faith and prayer are not just a matter for the private sphere but have a real impact on the world around us. As the report suggests prayer comes from our acceptance that there still exist a number of things that are beyond our understanding and beyond our control. It is our desire to know the unknown and to engage with that which is bigger and beyond us that calls us to prayer, and whether it be prayer for a loved one or an awe-filled thanks for the beauty of creation, our dialogue with God has a profound impact not only on the world around us but also on each of us who live in it.
As we reflect and engage with these things, both individually and corporately, we allow ourselves to be changed; to deepen and to grow. It is through this prayerful reflection that we learn more about ourselves, each other and our God and it is this continual dialogue that can create real change and have a real effect on this world.”
You can view the report on: http://faithandbelief.div.ed.ac.uk/
COURTROOM DRAMA
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Genealogy - Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 13 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
HYMN: The story behind … JUST AS I AM
The hymn ‘Just as I am’ must be one of the most famous in the world. It has been sung by tens of millions of Christians at Billy Graham Crusades the world over, just for starters ! Yet it was not written by a professional who was ‘aiming’ at a specific market, as many songs seem to be written today. Instead, it was written by an artist in Victorian times.
Her name was Charlotte Elliott, and she was born in Clapham in 1789. She grew up in a well to do home, and became a portrait artist and also a writer of humorous verse. All was well until Charlotte fell ill in her early 30s, and slid into a black depression. A Minister, Dr Caesar Malan of Switzerland, came to visit her. Instead of sympathising, he asked her an unexpected question: did she have peace with God ? Charlotte deeply resented the question and told him to mind his own business.
But after he left, his question haunted her. Did she have peace with God ? She knew that she did not, that she had done some very wrong things. So she invited Dr Malan to return. She told him that she would like to become a Christian, but would have to sort out her life first.
Dr Malan again said the unexpected: “Come just as you are.” The words were a revelation to Charlotte. She had assumed that she would have to put her life in order before she could hope to be accepted by God. Instead, she realised that Jesus wanted her just as she was - and he would take care of the sin. Charlotte became a Christian that day. 14 years later, in 1836, Charlotte wrote some verses that summed up how it had been between her and Jesus that day. They ran:
Just as I am, without one plea, Just as I am, tho tossed about But that thy blood was shed for me, With many a conflict, many a doubt And that thou bids’t me come to Thee Fightings within, and fears without, O lamb of God, I come! I come! O Lamb of God, I come! I come!
Charlotte could not have dreamed that 150 years into the future, her verses would be sung by millions of people all over the world, as they responded to the Gospel presented at many great Billy Graham crusades, and made their way forward to do just as the hymn describes - to come to Jesus Christ, despite sin and fear and doubts, to come ‘just as I am.’
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 14 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Now a question – Who do you think has the most influence on the way your Church changes, develop and grows ? Some folk would say it was the Kirk Session, or the Minister ? Some might say its advice or instruction coming from the General Assembly, or the Presbytery. Maybe some would point the finger at some shady figure behind the scenes who’s accused of having disproportionate influence. Some others would shrug sadly and say that the answer is in the wider society, as the Church pays too much attention to the secular world.
But in honesty, how many folk would say God, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit ? The Church in all its branches, including ours, is always in need of a shake-up, as we’re never more than one step away from losing sight of our identity and calling to be the Body of Christ.
We’re not a small business called to focus on our trading record, our strategies and business plans so that they become an end in themselves. We’re the Body of Christ.
We’re not called to be a well-intentioned and respectable community club that maintains a lovely old building just because it is that. We’re the Body of Christ.
We’re not a kind of spiritual supermarket, where individuals come week by week, one by one, to pick the things we need off the shelves, queue up and then go home. We’re the Body of Christ.
We’re not some kind of emergency service that exists only to deal with the crisis and moments of desperation. We’re the Body of Christ.
We’re not a political party or pressure group that needs to run focus groups so that we can say whatever it is people think we should be saying. We’re the Body of Christ.
And that means we’re people who need to listen actively to each other and to God, whose Spirit is leading and equipping us for all that lies ahead in both our personal and collective lives. If we lose sight of that, we can pack it in now. If we keep sight of it there’s nothing whatsoever to fear. We’re the Body of Christ.
This is part of the Pastoral Letter from Rev. Iain MacDonald in the summer 2014 Kirklink ( parishes of Westray & Papay ) newsletter.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 15 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Your dog could die this summer.
When it comes to leaving your dog in the car in the summer months, DON’T. Just 20 minutes in a hot car can kill a dog, even if you leave a window down. The Dogs Trust warns it is an agonising death, as the dog is slowly roasting alive. Dogs can only sweat through panting.
The Trust warns: “People think that opening a window or leaving their car in the shade is fine, but we know that it is absolutely NOT the case. If you are going somewhere where you know you cannot take your dog, then leave it at home, because a dog can die in as little as 20 minutes.”
Sadly, while a survey found that 28% of people are willing to risk their dog being left in a car, only 10% would ever dream of leaving their mobile phone in a car.
What are you drinking ?
CHURCH ACTIVITIES in INVERNESS Cold drinks in hot weather are great, but if you head for the high-sugar CONCERT: There will be a very special concert on Friday, 1st August, at 8:00 p.m. when Sue Keller, a fizzy drinks, you are putting yourself prominent American jazz pianist and singer, will give a as risk of heart disease and type-2 concert in Crown Church, playing, amongst other genres, diabetes. ragtime and blues. Admission free but donations welcome. Fizzy drinks are full of sugar, but no nd INTERFAITH PICNIC on Saturday, 2 August, from vitamins, minerals or antioxidants. 11:30 a.m. in Whin Park by the boating pond. Do come and share the multicultural fine food, friendship and fair or fickle weather. Picnic organised by Crown Church, Instead, try serving water with ice and Inverness. All welcome to come along. pieces of fresh orange, lemon or lime
VICTORIAN GAMES AFTERNOON: Bring your children, to add flavour. Or dilute a pure fruit grandchildren and their friends for an afternoon of juice with sparkling mineral water. Or nd Victorian games on Saturday, 2 August, from 2:30 p.m. go for herbal tea or fruit tea. to 4:30 p.m. at Crown School. If they want to dress up, prizes for best Victorian dress, but t-shirt and shorts will For more ideas visit do just as well. Crown School grass if fine, the Church [email protected] Halls if wet, with car parking in Crown School.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 16 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
17 of the Best Christian Pick-Up Lines
One of the great wonders of life is being silly and playing and laughing. God gave us a sense of humour and hilarity and the ability to smile. And be goofy. And walk in greater and greater levels of joy no matter what we’re facing. Here’s a list of 17 best Christian pick-up lines to bring a smile, a roll of the eyes, a “that’s so cheesy !” expression, and hopefully some joy to your day:
1. Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives... Because he never met you.
2. How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me ?
3. How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life ?
4. Unfortunately I can’t perform miracles and I've only got enough bread and fish for 2 people.
5. I believe one of my ribs belongs to you.
6. If we were around with Noah... then you + me = pair.
7. Me + You = Song of Songs: the remix.
8. So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and then I realized, I don’t have yours.
9. I didn’t know angels flew this low.
10. Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you ?
11. Is it a sin that you stole my heart ?
12. I just want you to know, I’m praying for you… No, I’m praying “FOR” you.
13. I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together.
14. We talk a lot about being spirit-led. Well, the spirit led me straight to you.
15. Is that a thin line, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket ?
16. I’m interested in full time ministry, and not only that... I also play the guitar.
17. I mentioned you in my testimony.
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner ( about Ernest Hemingway ).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas.
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 17 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Members of our Church family and others to be remembered in your prayers
Please continue to remember the following people in your daily prayers over the next month. The Guthrie family, the Wylie family, Alison and Allan MacKenzie, Bob Weir, Jane Byham, Stewart and Betty Frizzell.
Please remember the following folk who have lost a loved one recently and are in need of our support and encouragement – Elma Rorison, Betty Smith, Mairi MacFarlane, Louise Monaghan, Maris Elkin and Liza Quinn.
Thanks to Angie Cosens for this 2013 photo and Keith McClelland waving his magic stick over the image.
Iain and Avril Marr invite members of both Kirkhill and Kiltarlity congregations to come along on Sunday, 3rd August to Eilanreach House, Newtonhill to enjoy an afternoon tea party starting at 2:30 p.m. No charge, but donations to the Wardlaw Church Fabric Fund will be welcomed.
Please speak to Avril if you are able to offer any assistance with home baking and washing up duties.
Are you left-handed ?
13th August is Left Handers Day. There are a lot of famous left-handed celebrities, including Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Angelina Jolie, President Obama, Prince William and Sir Paul McCartney. In fact, Sir Paul McCartney found it so hard to learn to play the guitar in a right-handed way that he reversed the order of the strings.
On a more serious note, Left Handers Day aims to promote awareness of the difficulties left handed people can face. And at the Left Handers Day website you can celebrate and embrace your left side on 13th August !
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 18 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Marjorie Hamilton celebrated her 80th birthday on 16th July 2014 with a small gathering of family and friends at the Bog Roy Inn, organised by her husband John.
By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. - George Burns
We send our heart-felt wishes and blessings to Marjorie on the wonderful occasion of her birthday. We pray that she received more than she hoped for on this milestone birthday. Happy Birthday Marjorie from all your Church family.
Christian Aid launches Iraq Crisis Appeal - Christian Aid has recently launched an appeal to enable its partner organisations in northern Iraq to step up relief operations. Some half a million people are estimated to be on the move after fighters of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria ( ISIS ) captured the city of Mosul and a number of other towns north of Baghdad. A large number are fleeing into the north east of the country – some 200,000 of them to the city of Dohuk, and another 100,000 to the city of Erbil. Relief services in that part of Iraq are already hard-pressed coping with tens of thousands of refugees who have arrived from the conflict in Syria in recent years.
To donate to the Iraq Crisis Appeal please call 08080 004 004 ( free from a BT landline ) or text HELP to 70007. You will be charged £4 plus one standard text.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 19 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Where is the best place to live in Britain ?
The North Yorkshire spa town of Harrogate has been crowned as the happiest place to live in Britain in a report which asked people how contented they are with their home and local community. The survey of nearly 50,000 people by property website Rightmove also suggests that it's not so grim up North after all, and that someone living in Hull or Preston is generally happier with their surroundings than someone residing in Twickenham in London or in Oxford.
Inverness in Scotland was ranked second in the "happy at home" index, while Taunton, Stockport, Falkirk, Hull, Preston and Truro were also named as being among the top 10 happiest places to live in the country.
The survey asked people questions such as how proud they are of their home, whether they are satisfied with how it is decorated, how safe they feel in their community, whether they have enough living space, how friendly the neighbours are and whether they worry about the value of their property. Despite the strength of demand currently being felt in the London property market and the average price tag in the capital standing at around £459,000, the 10 places where people reported the lowest levels of satisfaction with where they live were all situated within London.
Rightmove said Harrogate scored top in the survey for safety, its sense of neighbourliness and recreation and this is the second year running that the town has come first in the overall index. With its grand hotels and bustling tea rooms, Harrogate has long been a popular attraction for visitors looking to sample its sulphurous spring water. The spa town is also famed for finding itself at the centre of a mystery when the novelist Agatha Christie disappeared after leaving her Surrey home in 1926 and turned up several days’ later living in a Harrogate hotel – the Old Swan Hotel.
The survey also found that people living in Kirkcaldy in Fife feel they have the most space to live in comfortably, while those living in West Central London feel they have the least. Edinburgh came in 78th position in the overall rankings while Glasgow was at number 53.
The 5 happiest places to live in Britain, according to Rightmove:
1. Harrogate, Yorkshire 2. Inverness, Scotland 3. Taunton, South West 4. Stockport, North West 5. Falkirk, Scotland
The top 3 in Scotland are :
1. Inverness 2. Falkirk 3. Kirkcaldy
The Editor lived in Harrogate from 1993 – 2005 and has lived in Inverness / Beauly from 2005 to date.
South Sudan crisis spilling over into regional emergency - More than 350,000 refugees from the fighting in South Sudan are expected to flee across the border into Ethiopia in coming months, warns Christian Aid.
Six camps in Gambella region, the main Ethiopian entry point, are already severely over stretched with nearly 140,000 refugees registered, and more than 1,000 new arrivals a day. With only 41 per cent of the funds for the international crisis response plan for South Sudan in place at present, fears are mounting over food security, the spread of disease and protection of civilians.
Inside South Sudan, more than a million people have been displaced since fighting started four months ago between government and opposition forces. An estimated four million people are currently in need of humanitarian assistance.
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 20 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for donations of food from your church, we really appreciate the support you give to Foodbank, and as I say again and again, we wouldn’t be able to do what we do if it wasn’t for the
generosity of people within local churches.
We are at the start of an exciting new development for Highland Foodbank and you’ll be receiving a letter shortly explaining what this development will look like. One of the developments is that we have acquired warehouse space within the new Blythswood Care Superstore on Harbour Road, Inverness. This means that all the food donated from Inverness and Nairn will be weighed, sorted and stored there until it needs to be taken to one of our Foodbank Centres in Inverness or Nairn. So, all food coming from Inverness and Nairn will stay in Inverness and Nairn. This will save a lot of double handling of food, as until now the food has had to be taken to the Blythswood depot in Evanton, to be taken back to
Inverness and Nairn when required.
With this in mind can I ask that if you are in the habit of taking donations to Madras Street, or someone from your church is, that these donations are now taken directly to Harbour Road – shop entrance. Hopefully this will not cause any inconvenience, and it will give a wider time frame to off-load donations, as the shop is open between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.
Very many thanks for your help with this and please get in touch if you have any questions.
Take care,
Lorna
Lorna Dempster Highland Foodbank Co-coordinator Inverness and Nairn [email protected] www.blythswood.org
Wardlaw Church contact Kiltarlity Church contact Maris Elkin 831 590 David Garvie 741 038
Interim Moderator – Rev. Peter Donald 230 537 [email protected]
Kirkhill Sunday School – Margaret Birkbeck 831 518 / Flora Morrison 831 373 Kiltarlity Sunday School – Linda MacKenzie 741 313 / Anneliese Garvie 741 038 The Parishioner editor – Iain J. Mortimer 782 648 E-mail – [email protected]
Musings on modern life: On a bus a man gave his seat to a woman. She fainted. On recovering, she thanked him. Then he fainted.
Summer sales: Much trouble is caused by our yearnings getting ahead of our earnings.
Please don’t walk on our church lawn. Grass grows by the inch but is worn down by the foot !
The Parishioner Newsletter Issue 78 – August 2014 Page 21 of 22
www.kiltarlityandkirkhill.org.uk
Live and Let Live
There is a strong lobby in the UK to legalise assisted suicide. CARE has launched a campaign: Live and Let Live to inform and equip people to take action to challenge the Assisted Dying Bill in Westminster, and the Assisted Suicide Bill in Scotland. The pro-assisted suicide charity Dignity in Dying has recently become active in Northern Ireland for the first time.
Disability groups, doctors, faith groups, and many who are not religious, are united in opposing these Bills. CARE has referred Christians to Dr Peter Saunders' book "Live and Let Live" for a biblical view on the issue.
Diary dates for AUGUST 2014
29 July Coffee / tea / home baking Wardlaw Church between 10:00 a.m. and 12 noon. 30 July Prayer meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:00 p.m. 3 August Worship at WARDLAW at 10:00 a.m. and KILTARLITY at 11:15 a.m. Preacher Mr. Barry Dennis 3 August Afternoon tea party at Eilanreach House, Newtonhill starting at 2:30 p.m. 3 August First Sunday Praise at Kiltarlity Free Church, starting at 6:00 p.m. 5 August Coffee / tea / home baking Wardlaw Church between 10:00 a.m. and 12 noon. 6 August Prayer meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:00 p.m. 10 August Worship at WARDLAW at 10:00 a.m. and KILTARLITY at 11:15 a.m. Preacher is Rev. Morven Archer 12 August Coffee / tea / home baking Wardlaw Church between 10:00 a.m. and 12 noon. 13 August Prayer meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:00 p.m. 17 August Worship at WARDLAW at 10:00 a.m. and KILTARLITY at 11:15 a.m. Preacher to be advised 19 August Coffee / tea / home baking Wardlaw Church between 10:00 a.m. and 12 noon. 19 August Kirkhill Kirk Session meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:30 p.m. 20 August Prayer meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:00 p.m. 24 August Worship at WARDLAW at 10:00 a.m. and KILTARLITY at 11:15 a.m. Preacher is to be advised 26 August Coffee / tea / home baking Wardlaw Church between 10:00 a.m. and 12 noon. 27 August Prayer meeting at Wardlaw Church at 7:00 p.m. 31 August Worship at WARDLAW at 10:00 a.m. and KILTARLITY at 11:15 a.m. Preacher is to be advised
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. Matthew It's called marriage.' - James Holt McGavran
The September 2014 issue of The Parishioner will be published on Sunday, 31st August 2014.
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