Purim 5769/2009 Presented to You by Sister to Sister Loneliness and You

Issue 7 - Purim 5769/2009 Presented to you by Sister To Sister Loneliness and You

Loneliness.

The lack of connection, The lack of protection,

The lack of sharing, The lack of caring,

The lack of companionship, The lack of relationship.

You.

Develop the connection, He'll provide the protection,

You be the one sharing, You'll see so many others caring,

You provide companionship, You'll be surrounded by relationships,

You’ll no longer be lonely.

22 Dearest Sisters, Think of Esther Hamalka, the epitome of grace and beauty, within and without. Esther Hamalka, one Jewish woman saved an entire nation from annihilation. She must have suffered unimaginable loneliness and complete solitude without anyone knowing her identity. Yet she had the wherewithal to scheme a difficult and dangerous plot to save Klal Yisroel. With the courage to face possible death, she went to see Achashveirosh uninvited. She had the presence of mind to plan the two parties, and the bravery to carry her plan through, without anyone there to assist her. Esther Hamalka, a Jewish queen living all alone in a palace of those that hate her people.

Esther Hamalka was a true queen, and despite the tribulations that she went through, she remained true to her royalty without loosing the inner grace reflected in her actions. She didn’t allow her situation to define who she was. And neither should we. Despite the difficulties we may be experiencing at present in our lives, despite the lack of a husband’s support, despite the loneliness and vulnerability, we can be the queen in our life. Yes, it can be shattering to go through a divorce, and it can be crushing to raise children alone, but the queen within us remains.

Avigail’s husband defied all description. In Sefer Shmuel it says of him that his name was Naval (villain) and the pasuk tells us, “as his name, so he was.” Avigail, a righteous woman, must have surely not had too much emotional support from a man as despicable as he. When Dovid Hamelech, who was fleeing with his 400 men, needed food desperately, Naval (as was expected) cruelly turned him away. Dovid Hamelech continued on his way empty-handed, Avigail ran after him and fed him and his army food from their warehouse. Naval returned to his warehouse and found it emptied. Devastated, he died on the spot. After all her years of suffering with a scoundrel of a husband, Avigail was alone. But Dovid Hamelech had seen her greatness, and took her for a wife. Avigail, who had once been married to the lowest of the low, became queen of Klal Yisroel.

And there was one other queen, a far more recent one, who saved the entire Jewish nation, and whose kingdom endures to this day. She lived as a divorced lady all alone. Through her job, she came in contact with children and saw that there was something vitally wrong with the educational system. She saw the boys flourishing in their superb yeshivos, while the girls were left to grow without direction. She knew the future of the Jewish nation depended on the Yiddishe Mameh, and yet saw the future mothers falling astray. She knew she must use her royalty and quiet dignity to save them from the abyss. She (like so many of us) had to fight against the ideals of her times. She had to do something that seemed outrageous in their eyes, contrary to what they always believed. But she knew she had to do it. And so, this magnificent queen, though divorced and alone, became mother to every single daughter of Klal Yisroel. Sara Schneirer, a royal queen who changed the face of Klal Yisroel forever. Alone.

And so, dear sisters, I conclude this letter with an utmost heartfelt bracha. There is a queen inside each and every one of you. Yes, you may be in a truly difficult situation, yes, your kingdom may seem exiled right now, but it need not be so. Look what greatness can be achieved by a woman all alone. Esther Hamalka, Avigail, and Sara Schneirer were all Jewish queens, without the support of a king. You can do it too. Just step up to your throne. Wishing you all the best - all the time!! A Freilichen Purim, Sister to Sister

Sister to Sister Mailing Address: 21 Shonny Court - Lakewood, New Jersey 08701 Tel: 718-338-2943 • Butterfly email: [email protected]

3 Today’s Heros Emuna Braverman

In discussing the story of Esther at Purim, Rebbetzin their father be patient with his children and kind to his Tzipporah Heller defines heroism as overcoming the obsta- friends even in the midst of a devastating business setback. cles placed in our paths on the way to achieving a spiritual They’ve seen their parents lose their temper -- and then objective. Esther had to risk her very existence to plead for apologize. Argue, and back down. Be cordial to others the salvation of the Jewish people. In the enlightened city while dealing with private personal trauma. of Shushan, venturing to see her husband, King Achash- verosh, without his specific request was a capital offense If you’re feeling happy and sociable, it’s no big deal to be -- unless he raised his scepter to her. Despite the daunting friendly. But if you’re not and you do it anyway, you’re a odds, upon learning of the decree to kill her people, Esther star. If you read to your kids though your eyes are shutting approached the king and put her life on the line. That was and encourage them even when your own spirits are low, definitely a large obstacle! you’re climbing the ladder.

But not all impediments are so dramatic. What if your Yes it’s heroic to rescue people from a burning building, friend is stuck at an appointment and she asks you to pick to donate your kidney to a needy recipient, to shelter the up her children? Maybe you had other plans. Maybe you homeless and teach the ignorant. But not all heroism oc- were even looking forward to some down time. Maybe you curs on such a grand scale. For some, getting out of bed just don’t feel like it. But you go anyway. Aren’t you a each day requires heroic-sized willpower. For others, going hero? You overcame your own exhaustion, inertia, desires, consistently to a job they don’t love in order to support to do a kindness for a friend. Isn’t that what heroism is all their family demonstrates bravery and determination. about? We were recently the recipients of tremendous kindness Every time we turn criticism of our children into praise, from someone we barely knew, someone whose wife had every time we clamp down on those back-stabbing words just given birth to a severely compromised infant. “Sorry it of gossip, aren’t we heroes? took me a little longer to return your call today,” he said. “They just put the baby back on a respirator.” To think of Although we have been taught that “familiarity breeds us and our needs in the middle of this crisis. Not a hero? contempt,” that is clearly not always the case. Families withstand this challenge all the time. And many children We look at others and admire their poise and confidence, (once they get past adolescence!) cite their parents as their their words and accomplishments. And we have no idea heroes and role models. the cost.

But didn’t they see them at their worst? Probably. But they Heroism is not a one-time stand; it’s a lifestyle. also saw them struggle and rise above it. They watched 4 Yes it’s heroic to rescue people from a burning building... But not all heroism occurs on such a grand scale. For some, getting out of bed each day requires heroic-sized willpower.

We haven’t a clue about wars waged, battles overcome. moment, her real accomplishment was her ability to live Maybe he’s a powerful CEO. It’s taken years of humility day to day in the palace, as the wife on an evil king, and and patience. Maybe she’s a terrific teacher. She’s learned maintain her composure, equilibrium and her relationship to ignore her frustration and focus only on the positive. with God. She focused on future good and not present Maybe she’s a great mother. And with tremendous will- pain, dedicating herself to a drawn out mission on behalf of power and determination she’s learned self-control, to fo- her people that must have caused her daily anguish. That’s cus on what she can stand rather that what she can’t. None where we can really learn from Esther. That’s her lasting of it comes easily. That’s why it’s heroic. legacy to us.

We can all be heroes. Every step of spiritual growth is part On Purim we all have the opportunity to build on Esther’s of the heroic struggle against darkness and evil. Our per- strength and commitment and to access our latent heroic sonal battle, our personal chance for glory. potential. B

Let our children see that heroism is not a one-time stand; Reprinted from Aish.com, the worlds largest Jewish web- it’s a lifestyle. Although Esther did have her grand heroic site. 5 Tiger Child

Kayla Rosen

The mask was a dusty orange with faded black stripes She didn’t mind that the mask covered only her eyes and marching down the sides and a rubber string looped around part of her nose, or that the black paint was chipped on the the back. I pulled it out of a bin at the dollar store, the latex left side. She curled her fingers into stiff claws and pranced half moon smooth in my hand. A tiger. around our tiny kitchen. “I’m a tiger!” she proclaimed. “She’ll like this,” I mused as I gave the cashier a crumpled “Roar! Roar! ROAR! ROOOOOAR!” I realized then dollar bill and some change. “She can wear it when we go how much she needed the tiger as her alter ego, to give shul to hear the megillah, present a face to the world, be voice to the fierce emotions raging inside her that she was like every other kid for a change.” unable to find words for. I turned away so she wouldn’t see my eyes, suspiciously shiny. I wouldn’t cry in front of my She needed a face, a cheap plastic falsehood to mask her child. I would not. I would not. new reality. It was just the two of us now. I was learning how to navigate the obstacle course that was single parent- I would cry at night, after I’d read her a bedtime story hood, and she was along for the journey. She came kicking and tucked the blanket under her chin. I would cry in the and screaming all the way, caught in a maelstrom of emo- bathroom with the water running to muffle the sounds. All tions she was unable to control. the sorrows, great and small, all the hardships, all the frus- 6 She put the mask to her face and peeked at me. “ROAR!” she growled impishly, and giggled. Laughter was closer to the surface now than tears, and for this I was grateful. trations, would find release in my tears when I was alone. I sides suggesting whiskers. Déjà vu. “She could be a tiger wished I could be a tiger, too, waving my claws and roaring again,” I mused, as I picked up the handle and peeked at the world. I wished I could tell people that all the tiny through the elegant feline eyes. The blank wood was open little injustices they threw in my path, made my already to possibilities. uphill climb to survive that much harder. I wished I could roar too, but I wiped my eyes, put on a wan smile, and It took her days to decorate the mask. She chose a bold opened the bathroom door. orange for the face, and painted the handle black. She painted both sides twice with smooth, sure strokes. She Taanis Esther. I lined up ten little baskets on the kitchen painted the little triangle nose, the middle of the ears, and table, and she carefully placed a small bottle of grape juice a pattern of sharp black stripes reaching down between the into each one, tongue caught in the corner of her mouth, eyes. With uncharacteristic patience, she carefully painted forehead frowning in concentration. Ten small bags of pret- arched lines swooping over the cheeks for whiskers. She zels, ten lollipops; a rainbow splayed across the table. Ten glued orange and black feathers to the middle of the fore- tags. Ten ribbons. Ten mishloach monos baskets for family head, and tied a shiny black ribbon onto the handle at a and friends; our circle of nearest and dearest kept small jaunty angle. For a final touch, she glued orange rhine- this year. stones to frame the curves of the eyes, its upturned grace so matching her own. The sky shimmered in a velvet shade of blue as I painted a black triangle on her button nose and streaked whiskers Watching her work, I couldn’t help but think how differ- onto her pink cheeks. She stood still, face upturned, hands ent things were this year. She was making her own mask; clutching her tiger mask. As soon as I was done, she looped making her way, sure and confident, in a world of her own the string over her hair with an excited wriggle. “Roar,” choosing. She no longer had to be satisfied with faded she said and took a playful swipe at me. She smiled, and I stripes on a cheap plastic mask. Her mask sparkled, it glit- was grateful for this moment of joy, praying that this sliver tered and glowed with a charisma that was uniquely her of grace was enough to carry me forward until tomorrow. own. She had taken that blank face, so open to potential, One day at a time, one step at a time, one smile at a time. and made it hers. She had taken the circumstances thrust upon her, faced them head on with a roar, and emerged We stepped out into the twilight. She clutched my hand, stronger for having done so. using her free hand to hold her plastic persona firmly in place. She put the mask to her face and peeked at me. “ROAR!” she growled impishly, and giggled. Laughter was closer My little tiger child. Roar. to the surface now than tears, and for this I was grateful. We’d come a long way, she and I. This year, the mishlo- We made it through, somehow. We muddled through those ach monos baskets filled and overflowed the kitchen table. years together. Slowly, the roars gave way to growls, and Our network of family and supportive friends had grown growls gave way to words. She learned to navigate the in so many ways since that sudden first year. This time, the minefield of her emotions. She expressed her joy, her an- tiger’s roar was one of strength, reflecting that fierce inner ger, her sorrow, in so many words. She kept a journal un- knowledge that the world was hers for the taking. der lock and key. The tiger mask was relegated to a corner of a forgotten drawer. We survived. We thrived. Against She could do anything she wanted to, my little tiger child. all odds. Roar. She could make the world her own.

This year, I found a wooden paint-your-own mask in the And, I discovered, so could I. dollar section of the local crafts shop. Graceful lines traced a small nose and pointy ears, with a zigzag pattern on the Roar. B 7 Purim Push-Ups

Shifra Gutskind to it.” Her voice is lilted in It’s Purim afternoon. I happiness. The gap between have faced one challenge af- her life and mine sears within. ter another. Though I feel It absolutely kills. worn thin, I have managed to pull through as I had re- I try to conceal my sadness solved to. The children had as I tell her my dilemma. She a Purim full of spirit and fun. can’t hear me. I filled the enormous void in “Talk louder; I can’t hear you our home with lively music, over the singing.” beautiful costumes, and great There is loud, joyous singing in Don’t worry, dear friend, I food. They have now gone to the background. It sounds for hear the singing. I hear it too their father, and I am home well. It’s beating through my alone, with quiet time to dav- real, like a real Purim. heart and threatening to rip it en. Outside, the roar of Pu- apart. I try talking louder, but rim resounds; music reverberating from homes and blasting it’s no use. from honking cars, groups of costumed bachurim collecting “I’m so sorry, I have no head to think this through. It’s just for their yeshiva in decorated vans, and colorfully attired too much going on here. Sorry.” children walk with their intoxicated fathers and struggling mothers. Yes, I also am sorry. I am sorry because I am in a dilemma as difficult as this one. And even sorrier that I am used to I had put in much effort to prepare myself for Purim. I thinking through such large problems, no matter what’s go- knew it would be a serious struggle to feel the joy of the ing on. But I’m sorriest that I was stupid enough to call you day. It is enormously difficult when I’m dealing with major and hear the Purim in your house. Because now the sad- issues in my house, and dealing with them all alone. My ness is too hard to bear. Now the dams that I have worked house is completely still. Not a phone rings, not a doorbell so hard to erect for myself have collapsed. No matter, the sounds. The silence is stifling. I am still not giving up; I children are gone and the house is quiet. No one will know am determined to pull through. In the silence, my thoughts the difference. In my house, there is no one singing too turn to a very difficult phone call I had received earlier that loud to disturb my crying. No one who will notice that left me in a dilemma. I call my friend for advice. despite the jovial singing in the houses all around, in this house the only sound is sobbing. I cry and cry. She picks up the phone. There is loud, joyous singing in the background. Her bachurim are living Purim to its ut- I cry for the insanity of the situation that I am in, and for most, and from the sound of it, they have enjoyed a bit of the lunacy that for my life this is sane. I cry for the colossal wine, too. It sounds for real, like a real Purim. challenges that I struggle with daily. I cry for the enormous gap I feel between myself and the rest of the normal world. “Oh, hi, Shifra. I was going to call you. I just didn’t get 8 And after all that, I cry for the hours of emotional and sit still and listen to the receiving of the Torah? Was it the technical effort I put in to prepare myself to be happy on miracles of clouds protecting the nation on all sides and a Purim, and here I am, once again, crying. fire leading the way, or the miracle of the Nile turning to blood? No. It was miracles that were so subtle that while The tears feel right to me, so I let them be. When they fi- they were happening, they didn’t seem like miracles at all. nally wind down, I take out my siddur and daven Mincha. They were miracles that were enveloped in desperation Mincha is powerful. Mincha on a powerful day such as and mourning, miracles disguised by evil decrees and royal Purim is power of powers. Who knows how much of my affliction. Miracles which no one recognized as such while struggles I can eradicate right now through davening? And they were living through the suffering. Just like my life. Al so I daven. hanisim. I thank You for the miracles, the salvations and the redemptions, at that time, just as at this very moment. I reach ‘Al Hanisim’; and for the miracles that you did, I thank You. B in those days, at this time. I stop. Miracles that He did in those days. Which miracles were there? Did every animal Inside Purim

The Megillah begins with the word •••••••••••••••••••••••• “Vayehi” and ends with the word In the passuk “Ish yehudi haya be- “Zaroh.” Taken together, the gema- Shushan habira” (“There was a tria of these two words equals 314, Jewish man in Shushan the capital”) which is the same as the gematria of (Esther 2:5), Hashem’s name, ap- Hashem’s name “Sha-dei.” In other pearing as “yud” and “hei,” is hinted words, although Hashem’s name does to through both rashei teivos and sofei not overtly appear in the Megillah at teivos as follows: “Yehudi Hayah” and all, He is in fact there from its very “Yehudi Hayah.” This alludes to the beginning to its very end. This point fact that Hashem was active behind the applies to us even in our times, in that scenes from all sides, front and back. while we may not be able to easily see Hashem in our lives, (Rokeach, Esther 2:5) He is truly there from beginning to end. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• The name of Hashem that is hinted to in the above gematria is derived from the word “dai” meaning “enough,” When Esther invited Achashveirosh and Haman to the and expresses Hashem’s characteristic of never going be- first wine party, Hashem’s name appears in rashei teivos yond what a person can handle in punishment. The phrase as follows: “Yavoh Hamelech “Mordechai HaYehudi” (“Mordechai the Jew”) also has Vhaman Hamelech” (“Let the the gematria of 314, indicating that through Mordechai, king and Haman come [to the Hashem said, “dai” — enough to the suffering of the party] today”) (Esther 5:4), Jews through Haman, and brought about their salvation. indicating that Hashem influ- Finally, the appearance of Hashem’s name as “Sha-dai” enced these events. serves as a tefillah, prayer, to Hashem that the punish- (Rokeach, Esther 5:4) B ments the Jews have already endured throughout history are “enough,” and that He should bring a permanent end Excerpted with permission from the re- to all our troubles. cently released Inside Purim by Aryeh (Manos HaLevi, Esther 3:8; see also Yalkut Mei’am Loez, Esther 10:3) Pinchas Strickoff (Targum Press).

9 Shedding My Mask S.L. Weinstock

for a new sort of normalcy, of a type I never dreamed would I never thought I’d end up divorced. be mine.

Of course, most people don’t enter marriage thinking they’ll You see, I was the typical straight-A student, the Bais Yaa- end up divorced. Most people would prefer not to even con- kov golden girl who never gave her teachers a moment’s ag- template the possibility, and even if it’s happened to you, I’m gravation. I did well in Chumash, Navi, Ivrit, math. I did sure you never thought it would. But for me, it was so far from extra credit. I studied with my friends if they needed help and my reality, so far off my radar screen, that I never imagined willingly lent out my notes whenever I could. At home I was such a thing could happen. I grew up in a solid, secure, stable a model oldest daughter, lending a hand when my mother home environment; my parents, grandparents, and aunts and needed me and retreating to my room to read or do home- uncles all happily married. Divorce was something that hap- work when she didn’t. Life was smooth, unpaved with wor- pened to other people, not to me. And even when my mar- ries, and I thought it would always be that way. riage started to fall apart after three and a half years, I never, ever thought I would end up divorced. It was just not going But it wasn’t, and when life got more complicated and I had to happen. Not so long as I was in control of my own destiny, to start juggling housework and real work, and then babies that is. and housework and real work, I still thought I could do it all. After all, hadn’t I always been a master at doing things well, And then it did happen, and my world crashed into a million doing things right? I knew all the right outlooks, all the right tiny pieces. The world that I’d so carefully built from scratch, attitudes: Hashem never gives a person something he can’t weaving together dreams and reality to form something so handle. These are my nisyonos right now. If this is what’s wonderful it seemed it would last forever… But only Hashem been given to me, I can deal with it. can determine what will last forever, and it was a very painful lesson to learn. I never knew there were other realities, realities like, If your husband’s falling apart it’s not your responsibility to put him Looking back, I see how much I closed my eyes to what was back together. Realities like, You aren’t to blame for your happening. I see how hard I tried to pretend that everything husband’s moods and mood swings. Realities like, If you’re was going to be okay and this awfulness wasn’t really hap- not managing, get help. pening. It was just a passing stage, I tried to tell myself. It would be over soon, and life would become normal again. Not managing? Of course I was managing. I’d been on top No, divorce couldn’t happen to me, to us. It couldn’t, and of things my whole life. What was more, I came from a family that was that. of “managers,” of successful people who couldn’t fathom that life could be more complicated than the platitudes I quoted But it did, and I’ve been spending the past two years picking above. up the pieces of my life, and of my children’s lives, striving 10 And so I was left, trapped in a situation that was more difficult Of course, people knew that than any scenario my seminary teachers had ever dreamed of, struggling to get through each day with a smile on my face, something was amiss. I couldn’t struggling to show the world that I was coping even while pretend it was nothing at all. But dealing with the biggest nisyonos I’d ever faced. Get help? I tried. But no one was around. No one seemed to realize, I could pretend a lot, and pre- least of all my family, how much I was drowning – drowning in the anguish of lost dreams, incredible isolation, and total tend I did. helplessness in the face of tragedy and indifference. then, it was devastating. It was beyond devastating. It was the It took two years for the “beginning of the end” to turn into end of everything I’d known and held dear. It was the end of the end. Two years of agony, of daily pretenses to those near- all the values that I’d imbibed from the time I was a young est and dearest to me. Pretending that I wanted to move half- child. It was the end of the world as I knew it, the world of way across the world for the sake of my marriage. Pretend- black and white and of it-all-works-out-if-you-put-in-enough- ing that I wanted to sell off all my possessions and leave the hishtadlus. country that I loved for a “new beginning.” Pretending that I wanted to leave my closest friends and my family behind to But after the end, there is always a beginning. And now I see “start afresh.” Not for me to start afresh, you must under- that period of time, painful though it was, as the beginning – stand. No, it was for him. For the husband who had turned the beginning of my new life. A new life for my children and into a stranger, almost overnight. me, a life that is ultimately healthier and hopefully more in line with retzon Hashem than the pretenses I left behind. And that was the worst of it. Covering up for him. Pretending everything was normal. Pretending that he was going to shul For you see, the life I began to live as my marriage fell apart and davening every day. Pretending that he was still learn- was a life so full of fears and anxieties that it was impossible to ing and shteiging. Pretending that he was still the husband truly serve Hashem through it all. It was a life of overwhelm- I had once known, even though sometimes it seemed that all ing unease, of fear of being found out, of fear of the future and that remained was the physical shell and the history of a life of unknowns in the present. It was a life that was so far from together. Pretending. Pretending. Always pretending. And true retzon Hashem that I never felt calm, never felt at peace to this day I don’t know who I was pretending to – myself or with myself, never felt I knew what I was doing when. the rest of the world. It’s Purim time, and I know that yom tov season is almost Of course, people knew that something was amiss. I couldn’t upon us. It’s hard to be truly happy, to feel like I’m a part of pretend it was nothing at all. But I could pretend a lot, and society, when I’ve lost a piece of my life that was so integral pretend I did. I did it because I was determined to protect to my being. But I’ve gained something else, something far him, to protect my kids (who fortunately were too young to more valuable than (dare I say it?) marriage. I’ve gained a understand very much anyway), and to protect my marriage. new lease on life. I’ve gained a new appreciation for the day- to-day runnings of the world, days free of anxiety and worry And when I finally got to the breaking point and could no and pretense and tension. longer keep up the pretenses, when I finally told him what I should have said long before, that he needed to take respon- Having shed my mask, that mask of steadfast loyalty and de- sibility for his actions and I could no longer cover up for him, termination that I wore for so long, I can finally say it like it is: I was devastated beyond belief. Because divorce shouldn’t Divorce is hard. Divorce is agonizing. But it’s not a pretense. happen to someone like me, a good Bais Yaakov girl who Hodu laShem ki tov, ki li’olam chasdo. I can rejoice because had always done the right thing. Divorce shouldn’t happen at last I’ve found myself. I’m no longer an imposter, a fake, to someone who’d gone to the right seminary and learned all trying to do retzon Hashem when it so obviously wasn’t work- the right hashkafos. Divorce only happened to people who ing. I am me, me, me, and it feels so good just to say that. I’m didn’t try hard enough, who didn’t know what to do when not an eishes chayil or a kollel wife anymore. But I am me. their husbands fell apart. Not to me. No more pretending. Just me.

Today I can look back and see the fallacies in my fiercely up- May we all be zocheh to shed our masks and appreciate who held belief system. Today I can even smile, albeit sheepishly, we truly are at this time of nissim, both geluyim and nistarim. B at my own naivete, at my too-determined optimism. But back 11  The Secret of Rabbi Noach Happiness Weinberg Ztz”l ...My whole life would improve if I had A young man once came a new car... to meet me in Jerusalem. He had an ...I just need a better job and then I can unusually happy disposition, so I asked relax and be happy. him what’s his secret. He told me: ...If only I met the right girl... “When I was 11 years old, I received a gift of happiness from God. You get the car and what happens? For “I was riding my bicycle when a strong a whole week you’re walking on air. gust of wind blew me onto the ground Then you go right back to being un- into the path of an oncoming truck. The happy. Sound familiar? truck ran over me and cut off my leg. Judaism says: “Happiness is not a hap- “As I lay there bleeding, I realized that pening. Happiness is a state of mind. The six-foot-five figure perched by the I might have to live the rest of my life You can have everything in the world window turns to you and menacingly without a leg. How depressing! But and still be miserable. Or you can have says, “Try to stop me and I’ll take you then I realized that being depressed relatively little and feel unbounded joy. with me!” won’t get my leg back. So I decided “Who is rich? The one who appreci- “Umm... No problem, sir. Have a safe right then and there not to waste my life ates what he has.” (Talmud - Pirkei trip. Any last words?” despairing. Avot 4:1) He says, “Let me tell you my troubles. “When my parents arrived at the hospi- That’s why the morning prayers begin My wife left me, my kids won’t talk to tal they were shocked and grieving. So with a series of blessings thanking God me, I lost my job and my pet turtle died. I told them: ‘I’ve already adapted. Now for the simple and obvious: So why should I go on living?” you also have to get used to this.’ •Thank you, God, for giving me life. Suddenly you have a flash of inspira- “Ever since then, I see my friends get- •Thank God I can see. tion. ting upset over little things: their bus •Thank God I can use my hands and “Sir, close your eyes for a minute and came late, they got a bad grade on a feet. imagine that you are blind. No colors, test, somebody insulted them. But I just •Thank God I can think. no sights of children playing, no fields enjoy life.” of flowers, no sunset. Now imagine that Once you master the art of noticing, suddenly there’s a miracle. You open Sounds simple, doesn’t it? So why appreciating and consciously enjoying your eyes and your vision is restored! are so many people unhappy? what you already have, then you will Are you going to jump - or will you stick At age 11, this young man attained always be happy. around for a week to enjoy the sights?” the clarity that it is a waste of energy “I’ll stay for a week.” to focus on what you are missing. And Appreciate What You Have “But what happened to all the trou- that the key to happiness is to take plea- bles?” sure in what you have. Sounds simple, - And Troubles Become “Ah, I guess they’re not so bad. I can doesn’t it? So why are so many people Insignificant see!” unhappy? You are standing on the 70th floor of the Empire State Building, gazing at the An eyeball is worth at least five million Happiness Is A State Of cityscape. Suddenly a rather large man dollars. You have two of them? You’re Mind brusquely pushes past you, wrenches rich. the window open and announces his Western society commonly perceives If you really appreciate your eyesight, intention to jump. happiness as the outcome of what you then the other miseries are nothing. You yell out: “Stop! Don’t do it!” achieve and acquire. Yet if you take it all for granted, then 12 And anyway, it might rain...” “I didn’t have any more.” Happy people are energetic and ambi- “Did you wash your face? Was it pleas- tious. There’s never enough time to do ant? Warm? Refreshing?” Relive it everything they want to do. with her. Then another one. Misconception #3: Happiness is After she describes five pleasures, her optional. If I want to be depressed, complaints won’t be nearly as bad. that’s my own prerogative To really work at this, sit down with A beautiful Sunday afternoon. You’re your spouse (or roommate) every eve- at the park having a picnic with your ning and discuss one pleasure that each friends. of you had that day. At the very least, Suddenly the air is pierced by one you’ll have a happier spouse or room- person complaining: “Who forgot the mate! forks? It’s too hot for volleyball. I want Incorporate this into your family routine to go home already.” so that your children also learn to ap- You have an obligation to be happy preciate their daily pleasures. when your mood is negatively affecting others. Don’t spoil the fun. The One Hour Blessing - Fest We all try to put on a happy face when The next exercise is more sophisticat- we’re at a party. But what about when ed. we are at home, with our kids? Or when Spend one hour writing down every- nothing in life will ever truly give you we trudge into the office on Monday thing for which you are grateful. joy. morning? Most people fly through the first 15 minutes. The next 15 minutes the pen Misconceptions On The The Daily Pleasure Count moves more slowly. The next 15 min- Road To Happiness To begin appreciating life, pinpoint utes get even tougher, but you can pull Misconception #1: Once I know some things you are extremely grateful through if you include your eyebrows the tools for being happy, then it for and count them every morning for and socks... will work like magic. one month, e.g.: your eyes, your hands, The last 15 minutes are excruciating. Don’t expect the results to come auto- your children, your cat. Once the list is compiled, add one new matically. It is possible to intellectually Set a time each day to contemplate these blessing each day. understand how to attain happiness, yet pleasures. Feel gratitude for them. This The power of this exercise is clear: You not put it into practice. exercise can change the mood of even must be conscious of all your blessings, In fact, many people might actually the most miserable amongst us: in order to appreciate whatever new prefer to be comfortable and unhappy, The next time you visit your aunt (the blessings come your way. rather than endure the discomfort of one who loves to complain), tell her changing their habits. very respectfully: Prioritize Your Blessings Just as learning any new skill requires “Auntie, I came here to suffer with you To really hone your skills and become effort, you have to be willing to invest today. But before we suffer, it is only an expert at appreciation, prioritize serious effort to achieve real happiness. fair that you also share with me five your list. Misconception #2: If I become pleasures that you had today.” Which is more valuable - your hands or content and satisfied with what “I had no pleasures.” your feet? Eyes or ears? Sense of taste I have, I’ll lose my motivation to “Auntie, did you have coffee for break- or your sense of touch? achieve more. fast?” Comparing each pleasure forces you to Happiness doesn’t drain your energy. It “Yes.” qualify the various subtle aspects of each adds more! Don’t let her off the hook with this per- pleasure. And to quantify how much Ask a happy person: “I have a boat. Do functory answer. Make her share the each respective pleasure gives you. you want to go fishing?” pleasure. “Was it sweet? Warm? Did Follow this course and work at it daily. He’ll say: “Great! Let’s go!” the aroma linger? Did it give you ener- Your gratitude will continue to grow, Now ask someone who is depressed: gy?” (She’ll comply because she wants building a solid foundation for a lifetime “C’mon, let’s go fishing!” her turn to complain...) of happiness. B He says, “I’m tired. Maybe tomorrow. “Okay, it was sweet and it was nice.” “Great Auntie! Now four more!” Reprinted from Aish.com 13 The Right Place for Wrong Esti Barker

from the wings backstage. She waved at me, forgetting that I was way too old to be thus treated while performing.

After having a lot to do with her and her hasty appearances, I have recently come to accept and embrace Wrong for who she is, respecting her method of surprising me time and again when her arrival is most unanticipated. I know about being wrong. That’s why, at a recent pre-Purim shopping spree at the Being wrong only strengthens my trust in the human race to local (very) crowded paper goods store, I was mildly be imperfect, irrational, and mangle simple addition faster disappointed to be thwarted by my old friend, Wrong. than your six year old can say “one and one is eleven!” It makes me appreciate erasers on pencils, apologies, jumping “Esti!” an old neighbor gushed, spotting me after having to conclusions, and fender benders. not seen me in quite a number of years. “How are you? How old is your big girl now? Where are you living? And What many people don’t realize is that Wrong is as real how is your husband?” as a living, breathing person in every sense, and is much like a cousin that you’d prefer your very best friends not The battle raged within: shall I or shan’t I? know a whole lot about: she always finds you when you deliberately try to avoid her, and once she does, she sticks It’s happened to every last one of us at some point. It’s our to you like burnt-on cholent. common denominator, it’s the reason you’re reading these very words right now (unless you’re a neighbor who sees Bumping into Wrong is not usually done on purpose. It is this publication lying on that single mom’s end table every somehow only good fodder for stories if the mistake was so often and decided to take a peek, but I digress). purely unintentional. Great thinkers have spent lifetimes trying to work out why people are wrong even after learning Being erev Purim, when we simply cannot buy enough from their slip-ups, but they died before they could figure it grosgrain ribbon, organza bags and raffia, the store was out, and no one else seemed to be up for the job. There was packed to the rafters; the man at the register was waiting even an actual Wrong Theorem recorded somewhere in for a price on a rubber Obama mask, and the line wasn’t the great annals of mathematical history: the more people moving. I looked at the woman who anticipated my answer, there are in the presence of the wrongdoer, the greater the as she juggled her tower of Chinese food containers and proportion of the error. plastic graggers, then at the tens of people curiously listening to our exchange. And I took pity. Wrong and I have worked together from a while back. We’ve shared memorable times, and have successfully It was at just that moment I caught sight of Wrong, wrapped collaborated on a number of unexpected occasions, such in a faux purple fur, wobbling in her navy pumps and white as the ninth grade solo I self-assuredly belted out... which tights, saluting me farewell, while resolutely forcing open turned out not to belong to me at all. It was then that I the “in” door and leaving the store. first remember glimpsing Wrong, who was wearing two different earrings and mismatched socks, peeking at me Those conscious decisions to pass up a public update 14 are, to me, every bit as important as burning out the fleishig oven when you crave dark chocolate cheesecake. Purim’s Blessings For tempting as they might be, and though I always get a Karen Miller thrill over seeing Wrong, no one deserves to fall subject to what my friend Fayge likes to call “squirm alerts.” More often than not, any residual confidence from (shockingly) speaking the truth dissipates wildly, to be replaced with a bad feeling, resulting directly from the other party’s stammered apology. This, coupled with awkward foot- shuffling from the unintended witnesses proves to be the ultimate wronging experience. In stereo.

So, while I smiled and said something vague, it occurred to me that I was wrong about being wrong. While I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, which is the effect I The timely unexpected salvation of the Jews in the story of always aim for in those squirm alerts, it has of late seemed Purim teaches us that there was a blessing in disguise that to me to smack of something less than scrupulous and... had to be unraveled slowly. These hidden miracles were dare I say...insensitive. slowly revealed through the hishtadlus of the Jews with their tefilah and teshuva. The result was a jubilation and celebra- Even before I went through my divorce, I have expected – tion of the life and existence of the Jewish people, that we are nay, demanded – the utmost in sensitivity from everyone witness to until this very day. who shares my breathing space (i.e. everyone on Earth), avoiding at best and outright scorning altogether at worst In our daily lives, we also experience divine intervention. those who could possibly make me feel uncomfortable. At times it may be openly apparent, while other times the Of course, there are always people who are prodigious in Hand of H-Shem is hidden from us, as we struggle to find the unenviable art of saying incredibly stupid things, and clarity in a world that seems dark and disguised. Yet, if we I have silently thought of sharp rejoinders or of the fact put in our effort as the Jews in Shushan did, under the guid- that they might be better off blurting advertisements as a ance of Mordechai and Esther, as they beseeched H-Shem walking billboard. At least then it would pay off when you in tefilah and teshuva, we too can merit to see the hidden hear her announce that the grocery is having half off on all treasures that lay behind the scenes. yogurts, instead of feeling that familiar jolt when she asks if being divorced is hard. But that is for another time. On Purim there is a concept of “kol haposhet yad nosnim lo” (anyone who stretches out his hand, we give him). Al- On the other hand, I had within me this almost raging though this pertains to giving of tzedaka, we. too, have the need to be able to say things as they are. But I must admit power on Purim day to awaken the rachamei shamayim in that weighing things sometimes does more than make you an outpouring of tefilah and teshuva. We should try and wish you hadn’t eaten that last piece of apple crumble. It introspect and search the depths of our hearts to be able to also opens your eyes to what works for those around you. truly connect with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, our Father in And it feels really good to come to that conclusion; it’s Heaven, to ask, plead and beseech Him to answer and heed empowering. the call of his children on this auspicious day. Try and set a time when you can truly connect with the Borei Olam, Holding my bags of mishloach manos makings and taking as the shamayim are open, we just have to ‘stretch out our my receipt, I saw out of the corner of my eye someone who hand’ and ask. Let us not miss the opportunity! vaguely resembled Wrong in her features, yet differed from her in that she was dressed unobtrusively in a simple black May we all be zoche to see yeshuos and brachos ad bli dai, outfit, smiling at me shyly and nodding her head. And as we pour our hearts to Avinu Shebashamayim, as He as I walked passed her, resolving to forego a squirm alert yearns to hear our plea and give us all that we need! when the opportunity next arose, I knew that I had just A Freilichin Purim! Chag Sameach to all! B seen Right. B Source: www.doreishtov.blogspot.com 15 Wolves Within We all have our wolves within. We all have times that they growl and grunt, and we feel too weak to overcome them. It is up to us which wolf we choose to feel.

A wise old man expressed his feel- emerged a broken mother of four chil- and imagined how happy Hashem ings about his son who had been dren. She waited three long years for a would be if this chosson would behave in a car accident three years ear- get, and was thoroughly relieved when as Hashem wants his children to. And lier. “I feel as if I have two wolves she received it. so, on the night of her ex’s wedding, fighting in my heart. One is venge- Chana davened for him. She pleaded, ful, angry, violent. The other wolf Four months after the divorce her ex got Yehei Hasha’a Hazos, may this time is loving, compassionate, forgiv- engaged. His friends, who thought there be one of mercy before You. May You ing.” was nothing wrong with him, redt him a guide the chosson’s heart in the proper great shidduch. The kallah was so con- direction, and may You teach him to fol- A friend asked, “Which wolf will vinced of his greatness, that she didn’t low in Your ways. And may the joy that win the fight?” even bother checking him out, and to the chosson and kallah feel tonight last The old man thought a moment, their great joy, they were engaged two them throughout their marriage. “The one I choose to feel.” weeks later. It was the night of the wedding. Chana’s The children were dancing away and Many of us have wolves within, and oldest son, age ten, was disappointed having a great time. And Chana’s heart sometimes lions and tigers, too. They not to be at his father’s wedding. He was dancing too. She had just captured are growling angrily at injustice, they requested that the family make a mock her wolf. are roaring with rage at those that hurt wedding, so that they can at least partic- them, and sometimes would just love ipate in the simcha of the night. Chana Sarala got married as an idealistic to take a large and luscious bite. We understood her son, and wanted to do seminary graduate. She was a glowing think we have subdued those animals, it for him. Chana and her son enacted kallah, her dreams filled with twirling but they emerge from their forest from a chuppah, and then gathered the chil- gowns, four-course dinners, and en- time to time and pay us a visit. It is our dren, put on lively wedding music, and couraging smiles for her husband as he choice what we do with them. they danced. The children were having sat and learned gemara. Of course he’d a great time. Yasis Aliech, Siman Tov, be learning; it was obvious to her that Love, compassion, and forgiveness are and then Yehei Hasha’a Hazos; may she’d marry a long-term learner. It was not inevitable outcomes of a situation; this time be one of mercy and compas- what she wanted with all her heart. A they are a reaction. There are people sion before you, Hashem. Chana dav- husband dedicated to learning, with a who have so very little, yet are so con- ened with all her heart for this new kal- love of ruchnius, and a spiritually grow- tent; and those who have so very much, lah. Chana knew she was feeling joy in ing person. Her dreams were realized yet are miserable. If we choose to wal- her life after so many years of pain, and with her marriage to Yossi; he was ev- low in our sadness, even justifiably, yet Chana knew that far more pain was erything she had imagined – and more. there will be no room to give and receive in store. And then, Chana thought of love. We can choose to lick our wounds, the chosson. Wasn’t he, too, Hashem’s Around a year after the chasuna, Yos- and retain our anger, or we can choose beloved son? Yes, he had caused her si’s ruchnius began to decline. On the to host a forgiving and compassionate pain, but on this night of his wedding, outside he looked exactly the same, but wolf within. an equivalent to Yom Kippur, perhaps the deterioration was obvious to his he can do teshuva and change. wife. Despite her disappointment, she Chana suffered in her marriage stood at his side, a loyal and devoted for eight long years. She felt grate- Chana thought of the love Hashem wife. She encouraged him, praised him, ful to have the strength to leave it, but feels for each of his beloved children, and tried every positive method at her 16 disposal to help him return to his previ- And Sarala kept her word to her Rov. about everything, and such a lofty per- ous state. But there was no return. Although it was incredibly difficult, she son. It’s hard to be married to someone kept completely quiet. She moved into like him. And it’s not as if you’re that The decline was subtle, yet steady, and an apartment right near her parents’ type or anything like it at all.” by the time they hit their fourth anni- house and focused on starting her life versary, Yossi was barely keeping the anew and recovering from her terrible Sarala’s heart beat so hard, she thought basic halachos. Upon the directives of disappointment and hurt. it would pop out of her sweater. In utter her family’s Rov, Sarala had to move shock, she opened her mouth, and then out with her two children, and ask for a One day, Sarala was at the local park, caught herself and closed it immedi- divorce. Her Rov told her to do every- watching her children play. An old ately. She forced herself to calm down. thing in her power to help the divorce classmate, whom she hadn’t met in She smiled politely, and then changed go smoothly and to have as few dis- years, walked into the park, and imme- the subject. agreements as possible. She should not diately came over to sit near her. say anything negative about him, and it It took some time, but eventually her would be a true zechus for her. “Oh, Sarala, I heard you’re back in the heart-beat did return to normal. Within, neighborhood. I was so sad to hear the though, one of the wolves never did. But it was disastrous. Yossi wouldn’t news!” hear of any such thing, and did every- Her face was plastered with sympathy, Malkie was divorced for barely thing in his power to protect himself. and projected pity. Sarala hated that ex- three months when it happened. It was And that included making sure his ster- pression, but she was beginning to get an ordinary day, or as ordinary of a day ling name wouldn’t be tarnished. The used to it already. that any single mother with five kids and only weapon he could think of was to “I can’t say I was shocked, though. a full time job can have. Amidst the spread all sorts of made-up stories about Knowing you and knowing him, I’m ruckus of the seven o’clock rush hour, Sarala. Anything at all went – so long not surprised the shidduch didn’t work. the phone demanded to be answered. no one should find out the truth. I mean, he’s so frum, and so careful Knowing that she didn’t have another 17 want from me?”

“Malkie, I see that you’re going around in a daze of pain, and I want to help you get through it. Your children need a mother and you need a healthy Mal- kie.”

Shalva talked in a kind and gentle voice to Malkie for about a half hour. She ex- plained how much she felt for her. How hard it must be to be living all alone, raising the children on her own, and now not even having parents with her. She told her she understood how absolutely shocking it must’ve been – one drop of strength, she ignored it. But it, but habit preempted her. She heard minute assuming they’d be there for her when the caller called three times in a herself saying hello, and then found her- forever – and the next minute gone. But row, she panicked. She picked up the self wondering why she had picked up mostly she told her how much she cared phone, already expecting bad news, the phone. She wouldn’t even under- for her. and was right. It was her brother saying stand what the person would say. The that both their parents had been in a car rest of the world was from a different It began slowly, as a trickle from a fau- accident together and were in critical planet. She would need a rocket ship to cet that wasn’t properly shut, and soon condition. She should rush over to the ever reach them. escalated to a shower opened on full hospital immediately. In a completely power. The tears, those miraculous frozen state, Malkie called her neigh- The caller was her closest friend, Shal- cure-all tears, pushed away that dense bor to watch the children, and rushed va. Malkie hadn’t talked to Shalva cloud, and left her feeling refreshed and over to the hospital. She got there fif- more than brisk one word answers since much more at peace. They talked a bit teen minutes too late. Her mother had the accident. Shalva asked Malkie if more, and then Shalva left to go pick up already passed away. Her father would she could come over to visit, as she had her children. remain an invalid, and weeks later was some free time. “If you’re willing to ex- transferred to a nursing home. They pose yourself to my mood, then you’re The next morning Shalva was back. were both in their sixties. They were invited,” was Malkie’s reply. The Malkie that greeted her was trans- the backbone that had been infusing her formed since she had seen her the previ- with strength during this incredibly dif- Once inside, Shalva sat herself down ous day. Her eyes were no longer dull, ficult period of her life. Malkie thought on the couch, and motioned Malkie to he body stood straight. Malkie didn’t she could go on no longer. join her. She breathed deeply. She first wait for Shalva to start talking. She was asked some perfunctory questions about overflowing. Shiva was disastrous, and the shloshim her life these days, and then got down to “Shalva, I cried for hours yesterday. All even more so. Malkie functioned as business. She asked Malkie how she’d the grief that I didn’t feel for the last though an opaque cloud had fallen been feeling these days. month hit me with a bang. But then I from heaven and settled right around “Feeling? Of course I’m fine, why met up with something new that I hadn’t her brain. She heard the people talk- shouldn’t I be? Actually, to be totally dealt with before – Anger! Shalva, I was ing to her through a mist of confusion, honest with you, Shalva, I couldn’t even so angry! How in the world can Hash- disbelief, and utter desperation. But she tell you how I’m feeing because I actu- em do this to me? Here I am, a mother could barely make out what they were ally have no idea. These days I don’t trying to be good to my five children, so saying. The cloud stole any cognitive feel at all. I just do.” little child support that I can’t manage powers she ever had. One day, around “So how are your kids managing with the month, and working so hard just to a month and a half after that dread- your ‘just doing’?” stay afloat. The one thing I had going ful day, Malkie was absentmindedly “The kids? Fine, I guess, I mean, I for me was my parents’ devotion and folding laundry when the phone rang. don’t really know. Shalva, why are you encouragement every step of the way. Momentarily, she considered ignoring asking all these questions? What do you How could He have taken it away from 18 me? I have so little, and the drop that I have, He takes away?”

Shalva sat silently, her face mirroring the enormous ache her friend was feeling. She understood her totally, and yet still wished she could help her rise above this incredibly difficult place that she was in. She sat in loving silence and let the hurt sit between the two of them. They both understood that the anger was not directed at the One above, but rather at the grief within. And they both knew that the pain within was nearly too much too bear.

Shalva took Malkie’s hand in her own, and began. “Malkie, you’re right. You have so little. You have no husband, no money, struggling to raise the children, and working so hard to keep yourself content. You’re right; the one thing that kept you going was your parents’ love. Choose Life! But Malkie, (and here Shalva’s tears joined hers) Malkie, you have a Parent that loves you even more than your par- One path leads to death, To go forward ents ever could. And if you listen, He The other to life, Or stand still, encourages you more than a person ever One brings peace, To try can. Malkie, now you have no one else The other, strife. Or lose my will, to turn to. Cry to Hashem. Beg Him to give you the koach to go through this Choose Life. Choose life. period, and ask him to help you feel His love for you.” To sleep To act They sat near each other silently. A Or be awake, Or react, heavy silence, but a hopeful one. At last To give Choose emotion Malkie spoke haltingly. Or to take, Or the fact, “Every word you said, I know. I just forgot. I know that Hashem didn’t want To write To take to hurt me. He just wanted to draw me Or to read, Or to give, closer to Him, that I should turn to Him more, and that I should rely only on To be fed To die him. Now I can finally say I feel ready Or to feed, Or to Live, to try to accept.” Choose life. Choose Life! Yes, dear Sisters, we all have our To earn wolves within. We all have times Or collect, that they growl and grunt, and To degrade we feel too weak to overcome them. It is up to us which wolf we Or respect, choose to feel. B

19 Dreaming of Daddy Chana Mendel

older sister Sara again, filling the hole that For a few minutes there was a silence that Raizy had a recurring dream that she knew existed in her life even at such a seemed to last forever. And then Daddy she often found hard to distinguish from tender age. said, “I’m sorry, but that’s the one thing I reality. In her dream, Raizy was walking can’t give you. Look, I have to go. Think along a deserted beach. She was all alone. Raizy knew that Mommy, who was always of something else, and I’ll call again in a In the distance stood a tall man with his busy working, would never be able to af- few days …” arms outstretched. It was her father, and ford the doll, and that the most she could he was waiting for her. Raizy would run hope for was that Rachel would tire of the But Daddy never did. towards Daddy, but he would always dis- red ribbon one day and that she would re- appear just before she reached him. Raizy ceive it as an inheritance. And in the same The years passed, and Raizy and her sister had this dream from the age of four, when way, she also knew that Daddy would Sara, who was six years her senior, grew Daddy first left, and it never left her, re- never come home. up. Somehow, Sara never seemed to miss curring every so often throughout her life. Daddy. In fact, Sara never mentioned him When Daddy called Raizy for her fifth at all, and Raizy soon learned that Daddy In fact, Raizy was always a bit of a dream- birthday, he asked her what she wanted as was a taboo subject for her. Either she er. When she was a little girl in kinder- a present. would fall ominously silent, or she would garten, she would dream of the expensive “I’ll give you whatever you want, Angel,” simply say, “Raizy, I just can’t talk about doll she had seen in the local toy store, he promised. him …” And Raizy never knew why. or a silk red ribbon for her hair, just like “Anything?” she asked. “Of course,” he the one that spoiled Cousin Rachel wore. said, confidently. “Whatever you want Strangely enough, she could raise the sub- When she was at school, Raizy’s dreams …” ject of Daddy with Mommy much more became a little more abstract. They were “I want you to come back home and live easily, even though it was Mommy who about becoming a famous writer one day with us again, Daddy,” Raizy said, hope got divorced from Daddy, while Raizy or visiting Africa. But Raizy’s greatest welling up inside her little heart. and Sara still remained his children. hope was that her Daddy would come home and live with her, Mommy, and her 20 “No matter what Daddy did,” Mommy In her dream, Raizy was walking along a deserted beach. She was all would say, “he’s still your father.” alone. In the distance stood a tall man with his arms outstretched. It “But what did Daddy do? And why did was her father, and he was waiting for her. Raizy would run towards he leave?” Raizy sometimes asked. Daddy, but he would always disappear just before she reached him.

And Mommy would sigh and look away, possessed a certain hard-edged self-confi- before saying, “Daddy … did some things dence, Raizy was softer. While Sara was When Raizy was 22, her moth- that he shouldn’t have, and he had to leave prepared to right all of the world’s wrongs, er felt that she should no longer wait for …” If Raizy tried to find out more, Mom- Raizy reacted to the tough world around Sara, now aged 28, to get married, and my would say, “I can’t really explain. You her by withdrawing from it somewhat into she started to look into a suitable shidduch wouldn’t understand. Not yet …” and her dreams. Inside her mind, a trip to the for her younger daughter. After her own that would be the end of the conversation. supermarket was an intrepid expedition experiences, she wanted to be very careful So many questions remained unanswered, into the unknown; getting dressed to go to and she made very painstaking inquiries and along with the sense of mystery that work, she would see herself as a princess into each young man that was suggested. this created, Raizy also felt a terrible about to greet the nation. Of course, as a void. responsible adult, she never revealed these As for Raizy, she was quite content to find flights of fancy to anyone. Deep inside someone to share her dream world with. Raizy continued to dream about her Dad- herself, Raizy knew that these dreams cov- But in the back of her mind, she wondered dy and to wonder how to fill the hole in her ered a huge ache that lay buried for years whether a husband would fill the void that life that he left. Daddy never came back, - the hole left by her father, and her impos- still haunted her heart. After all, a hus- not even for a visit, and there were no more sible dream of filling it. band is not a father. When Raizy thought telephone calls. about it even more deeply, she realized Mommy watched her two daughters grow that one day, G-d willing, her husband In time, his image began to blur in her up. She felt tremendously proud of both of would become a father and she would be a mind, even though the recurring dream them. The years she had poured into earn- mother. Before she entered into the world still existed. There were a few faded pho- ing a living and making sure that her girls of marriage and parenthood, she needed to tographs from Raizy and Sara’s early had everything they needed had paid off. know the truth about her own background. childhood that still remained, but as time Sara was a respected lawyer, and Raizy Before she could start to fill the hole left went on they took up permanent residence worked for a Jewish publishing company by her father, she had to know who he was in the back of a drawer. as an editor, spending most of her day in and why he left. the land of fiction that she so loved. Both Sara was a very intelligent girl, and even- girls combined their careers with a fully For months, this realization tore at her. tually she became a lawyer. She was hard- observant lifestyle, and everyone would She knew that the answers may be painful. headed and practical on the one hand, and tell her, “Your daughters are a real credit But before she could take that step, she driven by a strong sense of idealism on the to you.” And yet Mommy knew that had to find out who she was, where she other. Sara specialized in family law, and something was missing. Sara’s single state came from, and tear down the veils that she often took on the hardest cases, usu- worried her, for example. But it came as covered that painful void inside her. ally of abused wives or children involved in no surprise as she had been warned that tough custody battles. She often said that this might happen . In fact, under the cir- It was a warm summer evening when her clients’ inability to pay didn’t bother cumstances, it was even a natural reaction. Raizy finally found the courage to ask her. The most important thing to her was But Mommy was equally sure that one those questions that her mother had avoid- helping the innocent victims of an unjust day, Sara would overcome the pain that ed answering years before. At this point, system. Sara had no interest in getting still remained inside her and find peace. Raizy had started dating Yitzchak, a married. The few potential suitors that she And when that day came, Sara would be pleasant young man. Although they were met along the way were either intellectu- able to get married. not yet at the point of engagement, their ally inferior, or she found that she could relationship had started to become very se- not develop a relationship close enough for As for Raizy, she fortunately would not rious and it looked like things might work marriage, and she would let go just before have this problem. Raizy did not have the out. Now Raizy felt more than ever that reaching the point of engagement. In the terrible memories that Sara still carried the time had come to find out the truth end, despite her brilliant reputation, the in her heart and shared with no one. But about her Daddy. shadchanim almost gave up on Sara and Raizy’s heart was also empty in a different suggestions became few and far between. way. For Raizy still dreamed of Daddy, Raizy and Mommy were sitting on the and still hoped that one day he would veranda in the back garden, eating a light And Raizy continued to dream. Raizy come back. supper together, when Raizy decided to was not like Sara at all. Whereas Sara bring up the subject. 21 violent – but mostly towards me. Sara re- ten deeply involved in her work to protect members, because she was old enough to other victims of abuse like herself. When see what he did. But you were tiny, and she has dealt more with her anger, she’ll be fortunately the things he did had little ef- able to move on and get married when the “I don’t want to get too hopeful about fect on you. I had no choice but to leave time is right. In fact, she recently told me Yitzchak at this point,” she said. “But I’m the marriage. My first responsibility was that seeing you moving towards marriage really looking forward to our next meeting to protect both of you. In the end, your has inspired her to work even harder to on Sunday.” father was the loser because he had to bear deal with her own issues. You have always the full force of the law and he also lost had your writing, your dreams, and that is Mommy smiled, but maintained a discreet out on the relationship that he could have what has gotten you through.” silence, waiting for Raizy to say more. She had with his daughters. But then I guess was so happy to see Raizy these days. Her we all have to take responsibility for our That night, Raizy had the dream again. daughter’s eyes shone, there was a certain actions …” Once more, she was alone on the beach. confidence in her step, and somehow she But this time, she could not see her father seemed a little less ethereal than she used Raizy shuddered with the realization that waiting for her. Ahead of her was a long to be. But her daughter’s next sentence the dream she had nurtured did not really path, leading towards a bright light. She was not quite what she expected. exist. Her father never returned, and when woke up suddenly, and was unable to fall back to sleep. ”Mommy,” said Raizy. “You know, I’m 22 now, and possibly about to get married She thought about everything that her if everything works out. But before I can, mother had told her – the truth about her there’s something I need to know …” father, the terrible effects that his actions had upon her family, and the way that her Mommy’s heart contracted slightly as mother had tried to nurture and protect Raizy continued. “What happened to her over the years. And then a realization Daddy? Why did he leave? Why did dawned upon her. Raizy understood that he never come back? And why have you Daddy had never acted as a true father, never told me what happened to him over and that the man she had waited for so the years?” many years had never really existed. But, in fact, Raizel did have a Father and He Mommy didn’t answer at first. A faraway had guided her, her mother, and her sister expression crept into her eyes, along with he told her he would bring her a birthday over the years, pointing them toward the a few tears. Raizy added, more softly, present it was just one more in a long line ways to deal with life’s challenges. He had “Mommy, for years I waited for Daddy to of broken promises. Afterwards, even given her mother the strength to provide come home. He promised to call me back when he had paid the judicial price for his her daughters with the best life that she about my birthday present. Remember? crimes, he did not seek to reconnect with could, in the shadow of such a terrible se- It’s been 18 years, Mommy. Before I my- his family. cret. Raizy prayed that one day He would self get married, I need to know the truth. guide Sara out of the pain that she still I have to close the circle before I can move “Sara never wanted to see him again,” lived with, so many years later. She also on.” said Mommy. “And even though you were knew that with His help, she had finally still a tiny little girl and hardly remem- closed the circle. Mommy said nothing, but slowly stood bered him, I needed to protect you too. up. Raizy wondered if she had gone too So we moved away without leaving any After that, Raizy’s dream never returned, far, but was not quite sure what to say. forwarding address. The truth is, I don’t for she never needed to chase that particu- Mommy walked back into the house, and think he ever tried looking for us. I’m sorry lar dream again. Guided by her Father in Raizy quietly followed her. In the living that everything had to be such a mystery, Heaven, she was able to allow the wounds room, Mommy walked over to a drawer but I had no other choice. Both you and to heal and to move forward with her life. and pulled out some photographs. Then Sara had to grow up without all this suffer- she motioned towards the table, and the ing. All of us, me, too, had to get over the For no matter what any of the most ter- two sat down. effects of living in an abusive relationship. rible challenges any of us have had to go These effects have resounded throughout through, whether as parents or as children With a sigh, Mommy began: “Here are our lives. We all handled it in our own way. in abusive relationships, we are never a few pictures of your father that I kept I threw myself into making sure that you alone. Our children are never without a for you. I don’t know if you would even girls would grow up, get an education, and Father, for He is always with us, guiding remember him. Your father, let’s just say, stay on the path of Torah. Sara has got- us every step of the way. B didn’t treat me well at all. He was often 22 The Date

Leah Lyon

days, there was no sheitel and no children Arriving at the Metropolitan Hotel, It was almost time to go, and to consider. That starry night would be Miriam walked up the front stairs Miriam was putting some finishing etched upon her memory forever. Just carefully. touches to her appearance. Her makeup like tonight, she had stood in front of the was just right. It enhanced her look but it long mirror in her mother’s room, making Where was it then? She tried to remember. was not too obvious. Her earrings were sure that she looked her best. Her mother Ah, yes, it was the Hotel Rio. And elegant, but not overstated. The new top had suggested some eye makeup and a Dovid had been standing there on the was certainly flattering, but definitely touch of blush because she looked a little hotel steps, wearing an elegant black suit within the boundaries of good taste and too pale. Shyly, Miriam had complied, and tie. He had looked so perfect in the modesty. One last pat to her sheitel and and then she had brushed her hair once moonlight! And what a reassuring smile she was ready to go meet her date. again. Feeling butterflies in the pit of he had – or so she had thought. Miriam her stomach, she had waited for the car still remembered that first date so well. Her children were finishing their service to arrive. homework before eating their supper, At one time, that thought would have which was still on the stove. They were Sitting in the taxi, Miriam did not feel been enough to bring on tears, but old enough and sufficiently independent any butterflies this time. The truth is, Miriam had gotten past that stage to continue their usual routine without she wasn’t quite sure what she was already. The subsequent years of her. Miriam wished them a good night feeling. The magic of that very first tension, suffering, and indecision had and told them not to stay up too late. date had never disappeared from her erased any feelings of regret or yearning Gracefully fielding her children’s memory, even though the years that had to return to that past life. But even so, questions about where she was going, followed had not exactly gone according those memories stubbornly refused to she made her way to the front door. to plan. While she didn’t know what fade … Pushing them aside, she walked As she walked outside to wait for the would happen this time, either, it felt into the lobby, looking around her. He’d car service she had called five minutes very different. And this time, more than said he’d be wearing a gray suit and hat earlier, the memories flooded back. twenty years later, her mother was no and that he would be standing slightly to longer there to advise her. the right of the reception desk. There was so much that was similar – and so much that was different. In those 23 think about Rochel, though, because it ordered drinks straight away. He seemed brought back too many memories of the to know what she wanted even before she painful years that had followed. He’d asked for it. There was no question that worked through the feelings of failure she would date him again. and inadequacy that his unsuccessful ------marriage had produced, but somehow Yehoshua asked Miriam where she these reminders always sprang up in preferred to sit, and the two of them front of him. browsed the menu. Once they had ordered drinks, a slightly awkward Miriam suddenly saw the man standing silence descended. Where should they A bald, gray-suited man with a red nose, slightly to the right of the reception go from here? massive ears, and a loud tie suddenly desk, and she noticed how his graying pushed past her. It looked like he was hair and beard matched the color of his “He’s so serious,” thought Miriam. also going to the right-hand side of the suit. To her relief, although his hairline “But then – I’m not surprised after reception desk. “Oh my! I hope it isn’t was beginning to recede, at least he had what they told me he’s been through. him!” Miriam winced, and her heart some hair to speak of. “Not bad at our But what on earth do we talk about at sank. To her relief, she saw him take age, I suppose,” she thought. At the this point?” a package from the clerk and run back same time, his questioning glance met toward the hotel entrance. hers. “Excuse me, are you …” they said “She looks tired,” thought Yehoshua. at the exact same time, and they both Even the concealer that Miriam had put Suddenly, another thought crossed stopped with an awkward smile. on under her eyes hadn’t hidden the dark Miriam’s mind. What if she saw circles that appeared automatically after someone she knew? What would she “Yehoshua Martin,” he said. “Miriam a long day at work. “It’s the first time that do then? How embarrassing! “Don’t Levitt,” she answered, and both of them I’ve done this since the divorce. I can’t be so silly!” she smiled wryly to herself. sighed with relief. even remember what dating couples talk What exactly was the problem now? about,” he thought sarcastically. But he She was a single woman again, and “What do we do now?” Miriam asked decided to break the silence anyway. hardly a teenager anymore. The sight herself. “Gosh, this feels so …so … of two middle-aged respectable people strange, almost like trying to remember “So, how old are your children?” sitting in a hotel lobby was hardly likely the words of an old, familiar song that Yehoshua asked. Without even realizing to set too many tongues wagging. And I haven’t heard for a very long time …” it, he’d found the perfect subject to anyway, there was nothing wrong with a discuss with Miriam. Her children were divorced woman going on a date. “What can we talk about?” Yehoshua the love of her life. ------wondered. “It’s not like we’re kids “Well, Sarah, my oldest, is twenty. She Yehoshua nervously watched the hotel anymore. So why do I feel like an got married last year, and she and her entrance. He was standing to the right awkward teenager?” husband live in California. Then there’s of the reception desk, just as they had ------Avi, who’s eighteen, and learning in agreed on the telephone. Scanning the After their initial laughter, the yeshiva in Israel. Living at home still different people who walked in and out, conversation had just flowed. Rochel are Rivky, aged fifteen, Raizy, who’s he wondered who he should be looking more than lived up to her outgoing thirteen, and my little one, Yitzy. Well, for. He knew that Miriam would be reputation that evening. She had so much he’s not really so little anymore. He’s wearing a dark sheitel. If he walked up to to say, and even he, Yehoshua, who was the wrong woman, he could be severely normally so shy, had found her very easy reprimanded by an angry husband, he to talk to. He had been only too happy to thought with a brief smile. ask for a second date.

Yehoshua still remembered the first Dovid’s charming manner and his easy time he had met Rochel. That night grace had calmed Miriam’s nerves he’d approached the wrong girl first, straight away. She had never dated much to his embarrassment, and he anyone before, and she had been so and Rochel had laughed about it for afraid. But Dovid seemed so reassuring. years afterwards. He preferred not to He had asked for a menu and had 24 ten, and he hates it when I call him the Second time around was a time for logic, for little one.” head rather than heart. For now they were Yehoshua smiled. “He sounds cute! I also have a ‘little one’ fairly close in both responsible adults, weren’t they? age. That’s Dovie. He’s eleven. And then there’s Penina. She’s fifteen, and high tech before I came out!” said more, but neither knew how. It was Shimmy, who’s seventeen, and also too early in their acquaintance to touch learning in Israel.” “She really looks tired,” Yehoshua upon these issues. Both of them had thought as he noticed Miriam suppress suffered enough, and neither of them Pulling out her cell phone, Miriam said a yawn. A sudden shiver went down his wanted to be so vulnerable again. On on impulse, “Do you want to see some spine as another unwelcome memory their first dates, so many years ago, their pictures?” entered his head. Rochel was looking at feelings had run high, and both of them “Sure,” said Yehoshua. him with a scornful expression. Her voice now felt that their emotions had betrayed ------was ice cold as she said, bitingly, “The them. Second time around was a time “ … and I just couldn’t believe how clever only thing that ever interests you is your for logic, for head rather than heart. For he was!” Miriam concluded her story. work, isn’t it? Do you know how boring now they were both responsible adults, Yehoshua coughed politely. “I know and one-dimensional everyone says you weren’t they? she loves her kids, which is great, but is are? I didn’t marry a man, I married a that all she can talk about? Just as well computer!” He had remained silent, for “It’s getting rather late,” Yehoshua that she doesn’t have any grandchildren he didn’t want to tell her that his work had suddenly said, looking at his watch. yet, otherwise I’d probably have to hear become his refuge, and that whenever he “I’ve got to be up early to catch the these stories all evening,” he thought. felt unsure of himself he could retreat into minyan before I go to work.” the virtual world of computers. “Yes, I have to get up early, too,” said “I’ve done it again,” Miriam berated Miriam. herself. “He looks so bored. Why do I “I think that’s enough about me,” he always talk so much about my kids? He said, almost abruptly. “You didn’t tell When her first date with Dovid had probably thinks I’m one of those boring me what you do for a living.” ended, Miriam had been on a high. He women who don’t have anything else to “Nothing half as exciting,” said Miriam had felt so, well, right for her. She could say!” automatically. “I’m a secretary at an almost feel the fireworks, and she couldn’t insurance company.” wait for the shadchanis to call her parents “Well, I think I’ve spoken enough about ------the next day. my kids. Let’s talk a bit about ourselves,” The conversation continued in a similar she said in tones of mock brightness. She vein. Over the next hour and a half, both Yehoshua had walked away from his first floundered for a moment, thinking of exchanged their thoughts on the political meeting with Rochel feeling exhilarated. what to say next and then asked, “They situation, the economic crisis, Israel, She was so vibrant and alive, and he told me you work in high tech; is that and a few other issues of daily concern. couldn’t believe that a quiet guy like him correct?” A few times the conversation started to could have met such an amazing girl. Oh veer towards deeper subjects, like the yes, he’d call the Rebbetzin as soon as This time, Miriam had pushed the right question that both of them were burning he got home. button, and Yehoshua started to describe to ask but neither wanted to answer at his work at Macpherson Computer this point – what went wrong the first “I’ll call you tomorrow,” said Yehoshua. Systems … time? Many memories of suffering and Second time round, thought Miriam, ------pain, and empathy over lives of broken you don’t always go through the “Oh dear,” thought Miriam, who really dreams lay between them, occasionally shadchan. In fact, the shadchan had tried to look interested. “No one told me rising within the mind of each. But actually told Yehoshua that he was what a computer geek he is. I suppose the questions remained unasked, the now on his own. “After all, you’re not this cancels out what I put him through feelings remained unexpressed, and exactly teenagers anymore. You’re both with all my stories about the kids! And the memories were not mentioned out responsible adults now, aren’t you?” he what on earth is a ‘router’? I don’t loud, almost like a secret, unspoken pact had said. But it made the decision that understand even half of what he’s talking between them. little bit more difficult. If you want to say about. Perhaps I should have read up on no, there’s no one to do the dirty work Both of them would have liked to have for you. And if you want to say yes, but 25 she’s not interested, you have to take the This time, their emotions did not run even consider putting these two worlds rejection head on. high at all. There were so many other together and learning to live with each things to take into account – blending other’s baggage. “No problem. I’ll speak to you then. two families, how to support each other And thank you,” said Miriam. financially, how to let another person Neither Yehoshua nor Miriam was “Better to sleep on it. These decisions into what had become an established sure at this point whether they wanted should never be made in haste. But then, single life, and more … So many issues to meet each other again or not. They I’m almost a grandmother,” she thought, to face that had not yet been touched, would both need a night to “sleep on with a bittersweet smile. “I’m hardly the and probably wouldn’t be until both of it” and to consider their meeting with young 19-year-old that I was then. I’m them had decided whether to “go there” a clear head. But both of them were sure I’ll come to the right conclusion this or not. determined not to repeat the mistakes of time.” the past. Unfortunately, the past would ------The first time around, Miriam and always be there, and those unwelcome As Miriam got into a cab to go back Yehoshua both had a “clean slate.” But reminders would never go away. Each to her children and Yehoshua made his so much had happened in their lives that of them had so many memories, so many way to the subway to return to his empty had turned them into different people war wounds. But maybe it was not all in apartment, both of them noticed again – an entire history, a whole lifetime. vain. Perhaps they could take the lessons how different it all was. In a certain And while fighting life’s battles, both they had both learned from the past and sense, everything seemed so flat. There of them had acquired many scars. Now use them to build a better future – either were no fireworks, no starry nights. they had to decide whether they could individually or together. B

From the Diary of a Remarried Sister

Motzei Shabbos, Dec. 3, 2005 background compels my emotions to let go and the tears This diary entry was written after I got divorced and had my stream slowly down my cheeks. I half smile and half frown third child. through the experience of staring at your pure and innocent face. You don’t know why I cry when I do. You have no idea about the whirlwind of emotions and feelings that flip My dear sweet son Naftoli, amush through my mind - of gratefulness, of hope, of worry for You look at me - your dark blue eyes glistening. Your face is your future, of worry for your innocence, an innocence that wreathed in smiles and the folds of your double chin crease only a baby can know. Yet who says it’s right for me to deeper as your smile grows wider! The soft music in the worry about your future? You will handle whatever Hash- 26 em has planned for you. Or are my tears coming from the intense thought of that time - when I found out that I was pregnant? The Chanukah lecht shone so brightly that first night of Chanukah. My heart opened up and my mind soared with hope, with the feeling of renewal, of knowing that Hashem wanted me to be a partner in creating and harboring your precious little neshome’le in me; for me to nurture and unburden to during those lonely days. Days of clouded doom, days of not knowing where life would lead me. And you were with me. Within me. My breath of life was your breath of life. I had a purpose for living- to keep you alive, even though my marriage was dying. But you, you were my torch. You kept me alive and burning. that so many things have happened in my life since then. I I lived through those days because of you, and I hadn’t was a single mother for a short year, mothering my children even known you then. But that deep-rooted connection alone, and at the same time going from one healing tech- was there, anchored forever from your beating heart on the nique to another- trauma therapy, acupuncture, deep tissue Doppler and ultra-sounds to my beating heart. You heard massages, and focusing on taking good care of myself. I my cries. I often spoke to you in the womb. What a com- exercised, made sure to eat well and went on constant out- forting feeling it was then. ings with friends and family. It was a good year for me, and And now, as I sit here, free from that tortured life, that a lot of healing. galus, you are my comfort. From the moment you were Then I went away to Florida for a few days, just me and born I felt it. I felt at peace with my situation. And night my little tzaddik. I became very strong after that trip and after night as I care for your every need, as I hold you tight, shortly thereafter started to listen to the shidduchim that caress your face and look into your pure eyes I feel that were being suggested. ”Am I ready?” was the question I there can never be a stronger love than that of a mother to had asked my therapist. Was I ready to start a new rela- its child, especially when her child is her life and her moti- tionship again? Was I ready to face a marriage? My in- vation to live the next day. And I thank Hashem for giving ner self was too shattered from the past, too hurt, too be- me you – the most treasured gift – my gift of life. You will trayed. But my smart therapist knew that really deep down pull me through the ups and the downs of trauma from that I wanted to live again to give myself and my kids a second messed up marriage of the past. You keep me company in chance for a normal and good life. And “being ready” is that navy blue and white bassinet that lies beside my bed. always a hard thing to determine. So I plunged into the You make sure I never feel alone. Wow! Can you imagine- dating world again. It actually felt good to meet a nor- you do all that and more and you’re barely three months mal man! Hey, everyone - there are good men out there! old. “Hashem hikdim refuah lifnei hamakah.” The con- And Baruch Hashem we got engaged shortly after. The fusion of wondering if it is a sign to stay just because I engagement period was probably one of the most exhilarat- became pregnant. Well, my dear, you proved to me that ing times of my life! After we got married we moved away the decision to leave was from Hashem- you had to be from both of our previous living places. It felt good to start conceived and then we all had to flee, run for our lives, and fresh. And life moves on… Chasdei Hashem we did. Life will only be good from Yes, my sweet, Naftoli, your innocence is still intact and now and onwards; it is already good. Let’s just weather you have no idea why your upsherin is such an emotional this healing period together, giving each other the strength milestone for me. Many a tear have been shed to see you we need. You, to grow and be the best you can be, and me, get to this stage. It will be uncomfortable to have to cel- to learn from the past and be strong. Beezras Hashem… ebrate it together with your father and my ex-family, but that’s life, and if we focus on the good parts we make our Three years later lives beautiful. Mazel tov and may you continue to give us Three years have passed since then… I gaze lovingly at my nachas. blonde curly haired sweet son. His hair is that picture per- With love, fect “right before the upsherin“ look. I can’t believe time Mommy B has passed so quickly. Well, it wasn’t that quick - it’s just 27 r Looking For Energy? Health Co n e r By: Shani Goldner MS RD CDN CFI

Dear Shani, I find that in middle of the day my energy levels seem to slump. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I do not want to have to rely on seven cups of coffee to keep me going throughout the day. Any suggestions? Tired.

Many people seem to be on a roller coaster from tired to wired and then back to tired again. It gets harder and harder to fin- ish the day. For some people, the days are already unbearably long. Why is everyone always tired? What can we do to feel better, more invigorated and rejuvenated? You know want it; you know that you need it, but we are still falling short in our supply of this precious commodity.

The secret is to energize. You can prevent a midday energy slump by eating healthy well balanced meals throughout the day. You want to get your day off to a great start by eating a good quality breakfast. You do not have to take thirty minutes to prepare a feast. A simple bowl of oatmeal with some nuts, a yogurt with some fruit, whole grain bread with cheese, are some quick and tasty ideas. Many people think that if they skip and I know that it is not easy at the end of the day when you are breakfast, they will save calories. There have been numerous tired, or early in the morning when you are rushed, their energy studies showing that people who skip breakfast tend to weigh levels would tremendously improve. Do not limit yourself to more than those who eat this important meal. If you skip break- only working out at home or in a gym. Find an activity that you fast you are more likely to hit a midday slump. Try spreading enjoy doing and do it. If you like company get a friend to join out your meals and snacks throughout the day to keep your you and it will make it more fun and they will thank you later. energy levels up. By consuming nutrient dense foods like whole Exercise improves energy levels, your mood, it lowers choles- grains, fruits, veggies, nuts and lean proteins, you will feel full terol and blood sugar levels, helps you control your weight and of energy. This will also help boost your immune system. By leaves you feeling and looking great! providing your body with the right foods, you will allow your body to operate at its best. One that many people forget when they are complaining about being constantly tired is that they may not be getting enough An essential mineral that affects your energy level is iron. The sleep. People are stressed and even if they are getting enough main function of iron is to carry oxygen around in your body. hours of sleep, they may be up worrying and not sleeping well. It delivers the oxygen that you breath in you’re your lungs and If you do not catch some sleep, you will feel tired. The average takes it around to your muscles and other organs. If you are amount of sleep needed for an adult is seven to eight hours each running low in iron, this oxygen transport system is slowed night. How many of you are getting that many hours of sleep down which leads to fatigue, irritability, headaches and ane- each night? The same way a lack of sleep makes children ir- mia. Good sources of iron include: dark green leafy greens, ritable, it affects adults and a lack of it makes for cranky adults. beans, whole grains, red meat, fish and poultry. Many pastas So for your own benefit and for those spending time with you, and bread are enriched with iron as another source of iron in take and extra hour tonight and catch a good nights rest. B your diet. If you are feeling run down, make sure that you are having enough iron rich foods in your menu Shani Goldner is a Registered Dietitian and a CDN with a Masters of Science. She runs a private nutrition practice where she counsels children, adolescents and adults in weight loss, diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular health and can- Regular exercise is another way to prevent an energy lag. Of- cer related nutrition. She can be reached at (718) 854-5784. She is an Oxford ten I hear people exclaim, “How can I exercise, I barely have provider. Phone consults are available. Please send questions or comments to energy to climb into bed at night!” If people would exercise - nutritioninanutshell.info . 28 r Ask The Therapist Health Co n e r Ask The Therapist

Dear Rachel, My ex is remarried, and his new wife is doing everything possible to “buy” the kids. She takes them shopping for nice clothes, takes them on fun trips and buys them gifts. I know that I should be happy that she’s treating them well, but I really resent the situation.

A: This is a really good question, and one which I have When I work with teenagers, the most common complaint heard quite frequently about stepmothers, stepfathers, and that they have about their mothers is not that their moth- the non-custodial parent. ers don’t give them enough.. But that their mothers don’t Here is what I want you to do. When it is quiet and you know them enough. To really “get” our child, as only a will not be disturbed, take out a pen and paper and take mother can, is the greatest gift we can give. the time to conjure up some ideas of your “dream relationship” with your children. You can make a pyramid with So, how do we work on being a mother to our children? the most important things on top and work your way down. And how can we help our children truly feel that we know Some topics would be: we understand each other, we are them? Again, it is not something that can be bought or able to laugh together, child will come to me for advice, sold. It is from those moments that only a mother and child child will respect me, child feels safe with me, we are able can share: like a good shmooze in the car, tucking your to have fun, I am able to provide financially etc. child in at night, sharing a private joke, hugs and kisses, After you have a clear idea of what’s important to you, take talking about memories, being in tune with their moods.. yourself back to the discomfort the “new wife” brings to the A good way to think about this is to try and remember your picture. How is she a threat to your pyramid? What are favorite memory with a parent, or the nicest thing your you afraid of? parent ever said to you – those moments are more precious It is true that if we would ask a young child what makes than any worldly object. a good mother, they would not have the maturity (yet!) If you are being the best mother you can be, with the tools to realize what really counts. Give a kid the pyramid ex- you uniquely have, there is no one in the world that can ercise, and their pyramid would look quite different than compete with that. Keep your eye on the ball, and try not yours! On the top would probably be things like; buys me to let this issue distract you and drain your emotional en- stuff, lets me stay up late, doesn’t say no; but is that what ergy. Realize that your relationship with your child is what counts? Is that our job as a mother? matters. Keep the pyramid you created in your mind’s eye Nobody can take our true role away from us. Think about and that will help you achieve your goals as a mother with a child’s relationship to their grandmother. Yes, they get confidence. B spoiled and hardly hear the word no.. But it is no threat to you. Rachel Schnitzler is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey. 29 The Map Seeker

A sneak preview into the upcoming memoir by Leah Kotkes

Leah Kotkes, well-known author, writing mentor and an editor at Binah Magazine shares chapters of her life since childhood until today in her new book due to be released this May called The Map Seeker: A Memoir of Faith, edited by Gila Green (Israel Bookshop Publications, (732) 901-3009, www.israelbookshoppublications.com). Her journey to Yiddishkeit from traditional secular beginnings is both compelling and insightful. Challenges she faced as a new baalas teshuvah included marrying and divorcing within a period of three months only two years after making Eretz Yisrael her home. Readers will be happy to know that Leah was zoche to marry two years later. Today, eleven years later, she is happily married with four children. Leah’s hope is that this excerpt in Butterfly will be a source of comfort and inspiration to our readers.

My greatest source of strength after the divorce was my re- my choice and it was the right choice but it was still hard— lationships with my beloved rebbetzins. Almost all of them to look married and not be married. were women decades older than me whom I had met in my first year in Israel. Rebbetzin Bessie Scheinberg, Reb- The day of my get, after I said goodbye to the Rebbetz- betzin Ruchoma Shain, Rebbetzin Raichel Horowitz and in who had accompanied me, I had gone to see HaRav a new ‘guiding light’ Rebbetzin Yehudit Soloveitchik, the Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg for some words of inspiration wife of Rav Dovid of Brisk Yeshivah were all my teachers, and to ask the Rav some personal questions about personal mentors and role models, whom I tried to visit weekly. conduct.

Rebbetzin Soloveitchik learned with me once a week in When the Rav saw me he raised his hands to the Heavens her “Old Country” home that reflected her values all of and cried with me; the Rav said there wasn’t much to say which appealed to me in every way for their honesty, grace to console me except he made me a promise—the Rav said and truth without fanfare or wasted finance. She gave me if I kept my head covered—with a sheitel outside the home good advice on re-entering the shidduch world. and a scarf or snood in the home—I would merit marrying a ben Torah. In spite of her tutelage, the first year after the get, I took one day at a time. Each day was productive, satisfying, but As always I followed daas Torah; I wanted to merit this also extremely painful. blessing, I was willing to do whatever it took to gain G-d’s favor. I hated being divorced; it wasn’t the embarrassment that pained me so much—the shame of being single again and Before I left his home, Rabbi Scheinberg asked me to what people might be thinking about me—it was the lone- come and see him every week; he counseled me like a fa- liness and the loss of an expectation that caused me the ther lovingly guides his child after a fall. His words were most anguish. helpful, thoughtful, and optimistic: be patient, your time will come. Even though I conducted myself with confidence—I kept a nice home, I was doing well with my work, I dressed neatly I was patient; there was no choice but the Rav made it and I gave the impression of being content and grateful for easier for me to play the waiting game. my lot in life because I genuinely felt that way deep down, I disliked looking like I was married. I still wore my sheitel, Important note: Names in The Map Seeker have been the custom for Orthodox Jewish woman after marriage. I changed to honor privacy and certain aspects of the story felt like a fake, like I wasn’t being a truthful person; it was have been withheld. B 30 S.P.E.A.K B 31

cord in your own home. Don’t let your daughter know you are recording, but it will be good to have if he ever does take you to cannot court. record You the conversation (tap the phone) but you can - re cord what is going on in your own home, such as your daughter’s reaction to the phone call. could You also have other people in the witnesses have you so calls he when home phone. the take her make to tried you that The Facilitators of - S.P.E.A.K. Co-Par enting Facilitation have agreed to answer Magazine. Butterfly The in questions your handle to how about questions have you If a situation with your ex, please email your questions to [email protected]. Please put “ButterflyMagazine” in the subject line. The best way to focus on your children is . to S.P.E.A.K

Dear Not Pushy Enough, Dear Not Pushy This is a common problem. In general, we believe that unless someone is dangerous, it is best for child to maintain a relationship with both parents – even if it isn’t a great relationship. We believe children should be taught (appropriate to their discuss respectfully to how age) their feelings with each parent. Still, children, especially teenagers, often with annoyed or neglected or rejected feel a parent and want to punish him/her by not spending time with them or even talking to them. The first step is to sit down with your daughter and ask her why she doesn’t speak with her father. Let her do the talking, but lead her to discuss if there is anything you or her father can do to make her more comfortable talking to him. If there is something you can do, do it. If there is something he can encourage do, her to have that conversation with him. If that doesn’t work, what we suggest is that when you he calls, you pick up the phone and let him hear daughter you to call the your phone. Say, “Chanala, your sure Make phone.” the on is Abba daughter knows you have picked up the phone. One of two things will happen next. If she is just being a teenager with an atti- tude, seeing that he is on the phone already, she might pick up and speak with him. If not, when she speak refuses, to needs she you that her tell can and protest with her father. can You tell her that if she is upset with him about something, she can speak with him about it, but that she needs to speak with him. The worst refuse her hear will he that is scenario case to take the call. If he calls at any scheduled time, I would re- to recorder tape a set you suggest even S.P.E.A.K SAYS... S.P.E.A.K

Dear S.P.E.A.K., I hope you can help me! My ex- husband and our daughter have a rather strained relationship. rarely she but often, her calls He to try I him. with speak to wants push her, but she pick won’t up the phone when be he calls. To honest, I think it is up to him to repair his relationship with her. The problem is that our settle- ment says that “neither parent will impede the other parent’s relationship with the children.” While I am not relationship impeding with his her, he says she doesn’t want to speak with him because I badmouth him to her (which I don’t) and that I should push her to pick up the phone. Last week, he emailed me that he has been keeping a log of all the times he calls and doesn’t she and messages leaves call him back. He threatened to go back to beis din or court because I am not living up the to agreement. He wonders if I even give her the messages. for best what’s do to want truly I appreciate would I daughter. my any advice you can give me to correctly handle my situation. Not Pushy Enough Kitchen Kreations

Purim Made Easy

It’s that time of year again, when we’ve all got so much to do it’s a miracle if we make it to the Megillah with our heads screwed on straight… And yet we want to make Purim as nice as possible for our kids — and for ourselves too. Here are some quick-and-easy Purim recipes guaranteed to enhance your Purim seudah, whether you’re hosting it yourself or contributing to someone else’s. I’ve tried to include a range of recipes so you can choose whatever suits your fancy.

Festive Roast Sweet and Sour Squash This recipe is easy and elegant. Perfect for the Purim seuda. Yummy, simple, and elegant! This goes well with plain rice It also freezes perfectly -- just slice before freezing. or the noodles below.

•Roast--try brick roast, deckle, top of rib •4 medium zucchini, unpeeled and sliced into rounds •3 stalks celery •1 T. flour •1 large onion, sliced •1 T. oil •4 cloves garlic •1 4-oz. can tomato paste •About ¾ c. water or drained liquid from cooked squash Sauce: 1/2 cup ketchup •2-3 T. sugar 1/4 cup vinegar •Juice of 1 lemon 1/2 cup honey Cook squash until tender in a little water. Drain, reserving Line bottom of pan with celery, onions and garlic. Lay liquid for sauce. In a small pan, stir the flour into the oil, roast over vegetables. Combine the sauce ingredients and and then add tomato paste and liquid. Add lemon juice and pour over meat. Cover tightly. Bake covered for 2 1/2 sugar. Cook for 2-3 minutes and adjust flavor if needed. hours. Pour on top of squash and mix lightly. Serves 6-8.

32 Sesame Noodles No-Bake Chocolate Kitchen Kreations This recipe is perfect for a Purim seudah because it’s a pleasant change from the usual Shabbos fare and yet takes Oatmeal Bars A friend of mine found this online and kindly shared it with so little time to prepare! You’ll really ‘wow’ them with this me. It’s delicious – and best of all, you can make it late at one! night right before you’re ready to collapse into bed – no need to allow time for baking and cooling! •1 lb. spaghetti or linguine, cooked al dente and rinsed under cold water to prevent sticking •¾ c. margarine (trans-fat free) •2 tsp. salt •½ c. packed brown sugar •6 scallions, sliced thinly •1 teaspoon vanilla extract •1 clove garlic, minced •3 c. quick-cooking oats •2 T. soy sauce •1 c. semisweet chocolate chips •2 T. sesame oil •1/2-2/3 c. peanut butter •1 T. rice vinegar (or 2/3 T. regular vinegar) •1 tsp. sugar Melt margarine in a large saucepan over medium heat. Stir •1/3 c. sesame seeds, lightly toasted in brown sugar and vanilla. Mix in the oats. Cook over low heat 2 to 3 minutes, or until ingredients are well blended. Combine all ingredients except for noodles and pour over Press half of mixture into the bottom of a greased 9x9” noodles to combine. Serve at room temperature. Toss again baking pan. Reserve the other half for topping. Meanwhile, before serving. melt chocolate chips and peanut butter in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring frequently until smooth. Pour the Pecan Toss Salad chocolate mixture over the crust in the pan, and spread A super-nice salad to have on your table. You can throw it evenly with a knife or the back of a spoon. Crumble the together in a less time than it takes to read this recipe! remaining oat mixture over the chocolate layer, pressing in gently. Cover and refrigerate 2-3 hours or overnight. Bring to •1 16 oz. bag shredded Romaine lettuce room temperature before cutting into bars. Yields 32 bars. •1 small red onion, thinly sliced •½ can diced hearts of palm, drained (optional) •1 small yellow or green pepper, finely chopped Super-Simple Minty Ice •1-1½ c. cherry tomatoes, halved Cream Bars •½ c. sugared pecans, broken up You’ll never believe how easy these are…

Dressing: •1 pkg. vanilla pudding mix •2 T. ketchup •2 8-oz. containers dessert whip •¼ c. oil •½-3/4 c. soy milk •3 T. sugar •1 tsp. mint extract •3 T. vinegar •1/3 c. chocolate chips or crushed pistachios, optional •2 cloves garlic, minced •Approximately ½ pkg. vanilla tea biscuits •2 T. water, •½ tsp. salt Combine pudding mix, Rich’s whip, soy milk, and mint extract in a mixing bowl and beat until stiff. Stir in chocolate Place the salad ingredients in a large bowl. Combine dressing chips or nuts (or both). Line a 9x13” pan with a layer ingredients and pour on top. Toss gently – and voila, you of tea biscuits. Pour ice cream mixture on top and smooth have your salad! out. Cover with another layer of tea biscuits. Freeze for 3-4 hours until ready. Cut into bars and serve as is, or on plates I got this recipe from Sara Finkel’s new cookbook, Classic Kosher Cooking: drizzled with chocolate syrup for a fancier effect! Simply Delicious. The idea of ketchup in dressing sounded a little weird to me, but when I tried it it really came out great! The dressing was a nice reddish color, not too overpowering. The hearts of palm and the pepper were my own additions, to give the salad more color and substance, and I must say it was a hit! 33 Basic Purim Halachos D. Al Hanisim is added both in Birkas Hamazon and in Shemoneh Esreh. If you forget to say it, don’t repeat bench- ing or davening.

III. Re a d i n g t h e Me g i l l a . A. Three brachos are said before the Megilla and one bracha afterwards. 1. When a man who has already heard the Megillah reads again for women, the Mishna Brura says that the proper bracha is “Lishmoa Mikra Megilla.” Other Poskim say that the regular nusach should be said. It is best for each woman to make this bracha for herself. I. Th e Pe r i o d Pr e c e d i n g Pu r i m 3. Women and girls should also be care- 2. You should not speak during the bra- A. The Shabbos before Purim is Shab- ful not to eat anything before the read- cha, nor answer “Baruch Hu U’varuch bos Zachor. The Ashkenazi minhag ing of the Megillah, both in the evening Shmo.” You shouldn’t speak between is that women also go to Shul in order and during the day. In cases of great the end of the bracha and the beginning to hear Parshas Zachor. If a woman need, they can have a small snack. of the reading, nor between the end of missed it on Shabbos, she can go to the reading and after the bracha. Shul on Purim morning and hear Krias II. Ge n e r a l Ha l a c h o s o f Pu r i m 3. When hearing the Shehechiyanu, HaTorah then and be yotzeh the mitz- A. It is proper to wear Shabbos cloth- you should have in mind not only the vah of zechiras Amalek. ing on Purim and to set the table as you mitzvah of the Megilla, but also Mata- would for Shabbos. nos La’evyonim, mishloach manos and B. Taanis Esther is different than other the seudah. fast days: B. You should refrain from doing un- 1. A person who feels ill shouldn’t fast. necessary, involved work on Purim. B. Women are obligated to hear the 2. While the fast ends at Tzes Ha- 1.This applies only to Purim day, not Megilla at night and during the day. kochavim, you shouldn’t eat until after the night before. reading the Megillah. A person who 2.The following is, however, allowed: C. According to Rav Shlomo Zal- finds it hard to wait that long can have Writing, work to prevent a loss, work man Auerbach, if a man who has al- a snack. that doesn’t involve effort, and work ready heard the Megilla is reading for a 3. In the afternoon, men give zecher done in honor of Purim. group of women, the proper thing to do lemachatzis hashekel. The Ashkenazi 3. Some Poskim prohibit having a hair- would be for one of the women to make minhag is that women don’t give. cut on Purim. Cutting your nails is per- the brachos for all the rest (and they mitted according to most Poskim. should answer amen on the brachos). C. A new sefer recently came out con- The proper bracha for her to make is taining many of the piskei halachos of C. It is questionable if women have an “l’shmoah Megilla.” Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt’l. obligation to become intoxicated. They 1. Even though “me’ikar hadin,” ought to drink a bit of wine at least, D. You can read or hear the Megilla women do not have to hear the read- however. Even men can fulfill this ob- while sitting. It is best to stand when the ing of Parshas Zachor, nonetheless, it ligation by drinking more than their brachos of the Megilla are said. is proper for women to go to hear it if normal amount and then going to sleep. possible. One may become merry by drinking E. If you don’t have a kosher Megilla in 2. The minhag is to give “machtzis beverages other than wine. front of you, you should not read along hashekel” for girls and women also. with the reader, but should simply listen and follow inside a Chumash. 34 essary to put each gift in a separate con- F. The minhag is that everyone says tainer, but R’ Moshe said that this isn’t the ‘aseres bnei Haman’ (Haman’s necessary. ten sons). They should be said in one 5. As far as the main Mitzvah goes, breath. There are four psukim that are you should send only to a person also read first by the congregation and with whom some previous friendship then by the Chazan: ‘ish Yehudi haya,’ existed. ‘uMordechai yatza milifnei hamelech,’ 6. The receiver must be aware of the ‘laYehudim haysa,’ and the last pasuk identity of the sender. of the Megillah. 7. It is traditional to send the Manos via a messenger (even a minor may be G. There are also two psukim that the used for this), but this isn’t required frain Chazon repeats because we are uncer- (Chazon Ish and R’ Moshe). f r o m eating tain of their exact nusach. 8. The Manos should be sent on Purim meat that evening. day and not at night. 2. The Purim day meal must contain H. The Megilla must be read or heard bread. According to Rav Shlomo Zal- in its entirety and in the correct order. C. Matanos L’evyonim: To be given to man Auerbach, drinking grape juice If you missed even one word, you must at least two poor people. is not sufficient; wine should be used. hear the Megilla again. Therefore, if 1. You can appoint a messenger (before Some Poskim say that you must eat beef you don’t hear something, you should or during Purim) to give the food or and not just poultry. You aren’t required immediately read it yourself, even from money for you on the day of Purim. If to eat what you dislike, but should at a Chumash. The missed part should be a woman wants another man to give for least drink a bit of wine in memory said loud enough to be heard. her, it is better that he have this specifi- of the miracle. If wine is bad for your cally in mind when he gives the money. health, you don’t have to drink it. I. You should refrain from speaking He should simply inform her that he is 3. Candles should be lit (without a bra- during the reading of the Megilla. doing so. cha) in honor of the meal. 2. You should be certain that the money 4. Some people have a minhag to eat IV. Mi s h l o a h Ma n o s , Ma t a n o s that you are giving is your own. chickpeas on Purim. 3. It isn’t necessary for the poor person L’e v y o n i m , a n d t h e Pu r i m Me a l . to know the identity of the sender (nor A. These Mitzvohs should be done on E. The following halachos apply if you does he have to know that it is Matanos Purim itself and not beforehand. go from one place to another: L’evyonim). 1. Women are obligated to fulfill these 1. A resident of a place outside Jerusa- 4. You should give to people celebrating Mitzvohs as well as men. lem who goes to Jerusalem on the day of Purim on the same day as you are. 2. Mishloach Manos should be done Shushan Purim has none of the obliga- 5. Many Poskim say that the definition only man to man or woman to woman. tions of a Jerusalem resident. If he goes of an “evyon” is anyone who has less 3. Matanos L’evyonim may be given the 14th of Adar and spends Shushan than he requires for his support. from a woman to a man and vice versa. Purim in Jerusalem, he has the obliga- 6. Even though the rule on Purim is that tions of a Jerusalem resident. “kol haposhet yad nosnim lo,” this is not B. Mishloach Manos: Send at least two 2. A resident of Jerusalem who goes considered as matanos la’evyonim. different types of food to one person. somewhere else on the 13th/14th of 7. Many Poskim say that you should 1. The foods may be solid, liquid, or a Adar has the obligations of a non-Jeru- give enough money for a minimal Purim combination of both. salem resident. If he returns to Jerusa- meal (bread). 2. The food should be lem on the 14th, he has the additional 8.Maaser money should not be used for ready for consump- obligations of a Jerusalem resident. B this, but you can use Maaser money to tion upon ar- supplement the minimum amount if you Reprinted from www.yoy.org.il, Rav Bal- rival. want to give more. anson 3. Canned Halachas Reviewed by Rabbi Yissoschor foods may D. The Purim festive meal should be Dov Webster be sent. eaten during the day and not at night. 4. Some 1. It is proper to have a larger-than-nor- Poskim say mal supper Purim eve. Some people re- that it is nec- 35 Purim Humor 36 JEWISH PERSONALADS Shaya Bochur. POB55. understand. Mynameis me, butifnot,it’sOK,I maybe epessyou’llwrite so ifyouchangeyourmind, you probablydon’t.Nu, meet me,althoughallright, So maybeyouwantto Eh, shalomaleichem... ______hire me.POB53. for girlwhosefatherwill dent, self-made.Looking successful, smart,indepen- Jewish male,34, ______POB 64. ing. Under30isalsoOK. kvetching, kvelling,krechtz female companion70+for senior citizendesires schmoozing! 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The best option, in the opinion of the professionals, Hash- professionals, the of opinion the in option, best The them, of front in tehillim a stick to is Damam, Yinakem em until busy mouths their keep should v’esrim.This meah ad such time as a permanent cure is found, rachmana l’tzlan. Family and friends of those afflicted with this disease, chas disease, this with afflicted those of friends and Family v’shalom, are advised to use caution when asking simple questions such as “How are you?” This may cause the afflicted person, zt”l, to reply with a stream of unrelated they how frumwith do to nothing have usually that idioms are doing, yishtabach shmo. It has been added to most kosher menus, thank you - come - you thank menus, kosher most to added been has It standardized on above” the of “all replaced has and again, tests given to yeshiva bochrim, lo aleinu. For For example, 20 years ago, mamesh, the term Hashem”, “baruch was limited to a portion of Maariv that most people did not it gezundheit. say, constitutes Today 23% typical a of 27% and word frumspoken typical male’s a of frum female’s, im yirtzeh Hashem by you. Typically the Typically syndrome starts with overuse of the terms, b’chasdei Hashem, and then quickly turns to usage of the terms in the completely wrong place, shlita. In more advanced cases, nisht auf Shabbos geret, idioms foreign to the frum world, l’havdil elef havdalos, are used as well, praise the L-rd. In addition to the number of such terms, zy gezunt, the prevalence of usage of such terms has in- as well, yasher koach. creased exponentially Over the past several years the number of honorifics and been has vocabularyfrum the to added idioms superstitious increasing exponentially, k’niyna hara. This has caused some confusion to occur, baruch Hashem, especially to yirbu. those with more simple minds, kein Psychologists and Psychologists rabbinic leaders are warning about the Syn- Confusion Idiom Frum and Honorifics of prevalence bli ayin hara. community, drome in the Jewish Frum Fantastically Fantastically Sisters Speak The Star of the over and over in my head: “It was all My Son’s Reply worth it.” All the endless hours of val- Rochel Weinfeld Siddur Party iantly struggling to keep a calm and normal home for my children. All the Batya Navon After much cajoling, my son finally emotional investments to make a nice agreed to try the teen minyan in the They were all on stage, clad in stun- Shabbos seudah for them, beautiful neighborhood we had moved to six ning pink capes and smart maroon be- yomim tovim, and loving bedtimes. months ago. He was up on time. He rets adorned with silver tassels. They All the days of being present with wore the new belt and shoes that I stood straight and proud, gratified to them, playing games, schmoozing, bought him. His suit looked good and have reached this day, the culmination and connecting. All the hot lunches I he had a haircut recently so he did not of weeks of constant practice. They had prepared, and set up for her when look like a shag dog. were all singing their hearts out with she came home from school. All of it. the beauty and innocence that only a I saw the results today. Today, my I decided to go to the same shul with first grader can project, as she receives daughter was on stage along with fifty my younger son. Unfortunately, there her own precious siddur for the very nine girls who come from families who was no kids’ minyan for him, but he first time. have a father making Kiddush and a was content to play in the hallway father greeting their mother, and she with the other kids that he did not But from the sixty girls on stage, there outshone them all. Today, my daugh- know yet. After asking no less than was one that shone out from the rest. ter couldn’t take her eyes off of me the five people for help, I managed to One who beamed with the confidence whole performance and her whole be- navigate my way to the main shul, af- of a girl living life to its fullest. One who ing radiated love. did all the motions in perfect rhythm ter peeking into the five or so “private minyanim.” I felt so accomplished. and sang with gusto. One who smiled From the stage, I felt her heart radiat- Finally we were all at shul! The dav- from the beginning until the end of ing and swelling. I felt it proclaiming: ening was not what I was used to, the performance. And one who didn’t “Thank you. Thank you, Mommy. but it worked out all right. It was a take her eyes off her mother from the Thank you for everything you did bar mitzvah and the boy lained and beginning of the performance until the for me. I know it wasn’t easy, but you davened mussaf. There was a proud end, and waved at every opportunity. pushed – for me. And I feel the re- aura in the air that this youngster had She was my daughter. sults.” reached this milestone.

My daughter, who doesn’t know what And as the sixty girls sang songs of I had made up to meet my younger it’s like to see her father making Kid- thanks to their mothers, there was one son in the lobby at 11:30, so when the dush and her mother standing nearby. song that rose above them all. The rabbi got up to speak after davening I My daughter, who never witnessed a song of a daughter who growing up inched my way out the side staircase father greeting a mother after a long without a father in her home, the song and found my son in the lobby. We day. My daughter, who never sat down of a daughter who knows her mother walked home together and found a for a meal with a complete family. My loves her more than anything in this new way that was a little shorter in daughter was utterly glowing, as was world. And as the rest of them per- distance than the way we had come. her mother in return. formed, mother and daughter har- A little while after we came home, my monized a most grateful melody of older son returned. “Mom, did you And the glow and the tears just cannot hakaros hatov to Hashem for bringing see the Kiddush they had in the suk- leave me. I am still choked up hours us to this special place. later as the same thought reverberates kah?” He told me excitedly about the 38 S isters peak bar mitzvah Kiddush that I had no- I’m the woman with expensive clothing. night- ticed on my way out. I was happy he I’m the woman people ask, “Your wig is Alone, with her thoughts, memories and enjoyed such a magnificent Kiddush. amazing, who cut it.” heartache. The woman people think happiness is in I’m the woman who’s in pain- I asked him how the teen minyan was. her. But cannot cry. I’m that woman. I’m the woman who cries- He said, “It was fine except that there Invisible tears. was this guy who thought he was in I’m the woman people see at simchas. charge. He kept asking everyone, I’m the woman people smile to at wed- I’m the woman who feels like a number ‘Does your father let you go out dur- dings, sometimes. ing laining?’ ” My stomach started to Until, “uh oh,” whispers of “why did she I’m the woman who’s heart aches knot up. I knew something uncomfort- get divorced? Hope she’s not pregnant, For everything she’s gone through. able was lurching ahead. “He kept whose fault is it?” I’m the woman who’s heart aches asking me where my father was. Fi- I’m that woman. For everyone in the same or similar situ- nally I said, I think somewhere in To- ations. ronto. Then he walked away.” Fortu- I’m the woman whose friends’ cannot I’m that woman. nately, my son was smiling about how handle the fact That “uh oh, she’s divorced.” I’m the woman people define he gave the most unexpected answer. I’m the woman people ask As “divorcee” He laughed at what a fool this med- “Married so short? That’s all you gave I’m also the woman who refuses to be de- dler had made of himself. Here he it?” fined thought he was bringing young men to I’m that woman. According to her title; the mitzvah of Krias Hatorah, and he But rather, to define herself ended up bringing up a most painful I’m the woman, who smiles outwardly, According to her essence, subject for my son. Yet, cries inwardly. Her talents, her core, her goodness. I’m the woman who cries I’m the woman, who’s been married, I was thankful that my son found a way Non-verbal cries. Now, no more. to feel triumphant over his situation. Cries of yearning. I’m that woman. As for the “do gooder”, maybe next Cries of loss. Loss of dreams. I’m the woman, who is strong, time he will think twice. One thing for Loss of aspirations. No matter what. sure, my son’s face will be etched in Shattered dreams. I’m the woman who feels his memory as one of the young men Hashem is there, not to bother again! I’m the woman who was married, now no Embracing her, more. With love. I’m the woman who gave it her all. I’m the woman who won’t allow I’m That Woman I’m the woman who worked on accepting Anything Rikki, London her husband unconditionally. To get in the way of I’m the woman, who cried so much at her Accepting herself. Dear sisters, I wrote this poem to reinforce the chuppah, I’m the woman who gave it her all in her message that I have learnt from my experiences which is; “my title is not my identity.” Meaning She felt she shook the heavens. marriage. I am not Miss Divorced, I have a core, talents I’m the woman who all her life I’m the woman who cries and my deep essence that defines me. That is the Dreamt of marriage, kids, Non-verbal cries. message I would like to share with you. Feel free Dreams. Pure dreams. I’m the woman who has invisible to email me at: [email protected] Dreams some of which never materia- tears lised. Flowing down her cheeks. I’m that woman. Invisible Tears I’m the woman I’m the woman. Hashem comforts. I’m the woman who goes to the best shei- I’m the woman people talk about. tel macher in N.Y. I’m the woman, who comes home every- I’m the woman I’m the woman who wears designer make- day, Hashem soothes. up. With no husband to ask, “how was your I’m that woman. I’m that woman. day, I missed you.” I’m that woman. I’m the woman who goes to sleep at 39 What’s Happening at Sister to Sister

An Evening of One of the highlights of the night was to not hear negativity from one parent a special guest appearance by Shelly about the other Harmony Lang and Boruch Levine!! The •It is not the responsibility of the child Wednesday, December 10, was the Sis- “harmony” was superb! The songs to “fix” the family. The family dis- ter to Sister annual pre-Chanuka cele- were heart-warming and beautiful. A solved based on adult decisions and it is bration in the Ohr Chaim Hall in Boro special thank you to Rivky Lang for this in no way the fault of the child Park. The event was called “An Eve- special treat, and for all your hard work •Children crave sense of safety. Make ning of Harmony,” and for the nearly to make this event possible!! sure they have it. 180 women in attendance, that was the There was a lavish buffet reception that •Children go through stages when they perfect name for this magnificent oc- was enjoyed by all. Pastries, fruits, prefer one parent or openly hostile to- casion. Although there were women salads, hot dishes...all in abundance. ward one parent. You need to respect from different backgrounds and neigh- There was also exciting raffles and the child’s feelings and keep the lines borhoods, there was a tremendous sense many happy winners. Of course we all of communication open. Rivka spent of achdus and friendship in the air. Ev- felt like winners, because we all walked some time helping us explore ways to eryone joined together in song and in away excited to have spent time with old to do so. good spirit to share a special event. friends, meet new friends, and with the An added bonus to the workshop was Mrs. Faigy (Braunstein) Loewi, re- warm and comforting feeling that we the participation of a woman that was nowned speaker and mechaneches, truly have many “sisters.” divorced many years ago and is now inspired the audience with her words remarried. She gives a great deal of of chizuk. Her inspirational message her time helping divorced women deal helped us all appreciate the power of Rivka Weber’s with the challenge of co-parenting with the woman and the beauty of our dif- Workshop an ex-husband. One of the most impor- ferent roles. On December 17, Rivka Weber, tant things she said was that you have to Next on the agenda was the hilarious LCSW, led a very informative par- remember to love your child more than comedy act starring Miri Kunstlinger enting workshop specifically geared to you hate your ex. You only have one and Chani Muller. They had us all issues facing the single mother. The chance to raise your children! Remem- laughing out loud with their “chaveiros” focus of the class was when a child ber to have long-term views about the act. We all enjoyed the humorous way prefers one parent over another in a di- development of your children and not they made us think about all “meshu- vorce situation. We appreciate the op- get hung up on the issues of the day. gasim” in our lives. portunity she gave us to learn from her Do whatever it takes to bring peace to Of course you just can’t celebrate Cha- professional experience how to handle the situation you are in--even if it means nuka without a good doughnut, so we this challenging situation. “giving in.” You are in control of your- were all treated to a professional baking Some key points that were addressed: self, and don’t try to control your ex. demo by Suri Messner of the Cakery. •Give child permission to love both Her words of chizuk gave us all food for She taught us the tricks of the trade and parents. It is so healthy for children to thought and a better vision on how to the joy of baking as a family treat. have relationship with both parents and deal with our situation. 40 Parental Alienation Monsey for successful dating. Everyone that Sister to Our Monsey branch of Sister to Sister attended felt that they gained so much Syndrome has been very busy. Their Chanuka from the class. Tobey did an excellent On January 4, world-renowned psy- event for mothers and children was a job connecting to all the women that chologist, Dr. Abe Worenklein from huge success. Magician Sam enter- attended and making them feel com- Canada was in New York and was tained the crowd with all his tricks. fortable enough to raise questions and kind enough to give time to the women Our very own photographer, Malky discuss issues of concern. We hope to of Sister to Sister to speak about his Korn, took professional pictures of each have follow-up sessions in the near fu- field of expertise, parental alienation. family. Watch your mail for a copy of ture, and to begin another session with Unfortunately, this is a problem that your family portrait. other groups. If this is something that many of our sisters face, and there was A special class on important legal issues you would like to join, please call the a lot to learn on the topic. PAS is the was given by Mr. Daniel Schwartz, office and let us know. We will include conscious action of one parent turning Esq. He is an experienced matrimo- you in an upcoming group. against another to oust the parent to- nial lawyer. The question and answer tally from the affection, love and respect session that followed the lecture was of their children. The alienator has a Call-Em-All very informative. need to control raising the children af- Our automated phone system is the best Coming up on the Monsey calendar: A ter the divorce, and tries to deprive for- way to reach our sisters quickly and ef- pre-Purim evening of dance and inspi- mer partner from positive contact with ficiently with info about upcoming class- ration for women on March 3. There the children. The child is emotionally es, events and community resources. If will also be a shiduchim networking abused or brainwashed by the alienator you are not receiving our calls, or would program. Looking forward to seeing into thinking that the other parent is the like to receive calls on another number all Monsey members at that event! enemy. Children victims of PAS will than the one you do now, please call A special thank you to Chaya Leah Eh- often side with the parent with whom Leah at 732-415-8766, and let her rlich, who runs our Monsey branch, for they feel less secure, because they just know. everything you do for our Monsey sis- don’t want to deal with the interrogat- If you have a problem hearing the mes- ters. Your warmth and devotion makes ing by that parent if the child would side sage or it came through incomplete, you us all feel like we’re part of the family. with the parent they feel more loved by. can call 877-565-8456 from the same Dr. Worenklein took questions from the phone that the call came to. It will re- audience and emphasized that despite Dating Workshops play the message. the pain and heartache the alienating Sister to Sister, in conjunction with parent goes through, especially if the Shalom Task Force, launched the first Hospitality Program children do not live with that parent, of a series of dating workshops on Feb- Sister to Sister works all year long to offer everything must be done to show the ruary 8. The workshop was led by you invitations for Shabbos and Yom Tov children that you still care about them Toby Carrey, MSW, the educational meals. There are many host families in all and love them. Keep on making calls, director of Shalom Task Force. The neighborhoods. Volunteers will be calling even if you just leave messages. Send goal of the workshop was to learn what you to ask if you would like invitations for cards, gifts and be there in any way pos- to look for in healthy relationships for Pesach meals. Please feel free to take ad- sible. It may take years for the child to those dating for the second time around. vantage of this wonderful program. Please realize the truth, or be able to handle We learned how to be honest with our- call the office at 718-338-2943 to ensure the truth, but at least the child will know selves so that we make smart choices placement and make any requests. you never gave up. in picking a marriage Many of the attendees have been in con- partner. We learned tact with Dr. Worenklein since the class how you have to trust and have requested a follow-up session. your own instincts and Dr. Worenklein has been kind enough to share any concerns to agree to do so the next time he is in with someone you trust. New York. We will keep you posted Different scenarios via our automated calling system about were role-played, which all future classes. pushed us all to learn some important tools

41 times when I worried and He lifted me up, only to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and yeshuat H-shem keheref ayin.

Kudos to Ms. Gutskind who was truly able to overcome and express her own personal joy along with her daughters, in an expression of joy and gratitude for what she does have! K.M. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Dear Sister to Sister, I just wanted to comment on the article in the last issue of the butterfly titled “An Organization Worth Your Consideration” - Daven for Me... I was deeply moved as I heard of this organization that was started by one man. It is really beautiful how klal Yisrael takes the time to daven for their brothers and sisters in need. However even more potent is that they are being ‘noseh be’ol im chaveiro’. This means that they truly feel the pain of their fellow brethren to the extent that it moves them to pray for their needs as they would for themselves.

We learn this very important lesson from Rachel Imeinu, who so much wanted to marry Yaakov, but instead gave over her right to her beloved sister, Leah. It was indeed a very great act of self sacrifice and empathy on behalf of Rachel Imeinu that caused her to feel the pain of her sister, Butterfly Box and to give up what she had been waiting for, for so long. This great act did not go unnoticed, and on the contrary up until today, carries weight in the Heavens, as Rachel beseeches H-shem’s mercy on behalf of all Dear Readers, of us, Klal Yisrael, her brothers and sisters. This was a tremendous We’d love to hear from you. Please share with us what deed that Rochel not only felt the pain of her sister, but she acted on it you enjoyed, benefited from, or found inspiring. We as well. also want to hear what you’d like us to change, or We, too have sisters who are in pain, and need someone to pray on their what you feel we can add. With your feedback we can behalf. This prompted me to think that we each need a personal yeshua, continue evolving into the beautiful Butterfly that we and instead of reaching out to others, who may not share the same pain are metamorphosing into! as ours, we need to reach within, with sisters who do feel the same pain, Butterfly Magazine as they are going through similar challenges, and get them to daven for Email: [email protected] one another with the same fervor as they would for themselves. We, at Fax: 866-751-8090 Sister to Sister can truly call out to H-shem to plead on behalf of one another, as we feel the pain, and deal with similar situations on a daily ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• basis. Dear Butterfly, This organization “Daven for me..” has done a tremendous thing, to I was so excited to receive the Sukkos edition of the Butterfly. Your initiate such a campaign of “kol hamitpalel bead chaveiro..”, but it magazine is entertaining and enjoyable to read. Once I began to read one article I could not put the Butterfly down, I was hooked! seems that they do not have a category of women who are divorced It was particularly interesting to read the challenges that various women davening for divorced women, or agunos in need of a get davening for face in their journey to succeed as the single parent. It can be quite other agunos. difficult to run a home all on your own, but what is really more of a I therefore would like to suggest that we at Sister to Sister should begin challenge, is the special times of the year that are dedicated to ‘family our own tefilah campaign. How many times do we hear someone else’s time’. It is during the Yomim Tovim that the void is truly felt. As I read story and wish that there was something we can do to help. Here is your the article “V’samachta B’chagecha- Singing on Sukkos”, I was able to chance to help a friend in need. commiserate with the author, as she struggles to make yom tov a truly Let us follow in the path of our matriarch, Rachel Imeinu, to be ‘nosa joyous occasion for herself and her daughters. be’ol im chaveiro’, and to pray on behalf of another woman who may be going through something similar to you. In this merit, may we be zoche She truly expressed the fact that even in our predicament one can find to see yeshuot and nechamot bimhaira! simcha, as simcha emanates from within. It is the ability of each one of us great women to rise above our challenges and find true simcha in that To forward your hebrew name and your personal request and receive which H-shem has bestowed upon us. another name to pray for in exchange, kindly contact the Sister to Sister office at 732-415-8766 or email me at [email protected]. V’samachta, it is not only a commandment but also an expression of A freilichen Purim, hakarat hatov for all that H-shem bestows upon me. For the countless A Sister 42 Sister To Sister Box Butterfly Su p p o r t Gr o u p Butterfly Bulletin Sc h e d u l e Lisa Twerski, CSW, Dating You should also visit the OU website at www. Boro Park: Ohr Naava had a wonderful speech by Lisa ou.org and go to their job board. There are Mon, Feb 23rd, Twerski,CSW, on dating. She discussed many jobs posted, and you can post your re- March 30, 9 PM how to know if the person you’re dating is sume. They also have many helpful articles Nechama Stolzenberg right for you and what makes a healthy mar- pertaining to job searches. They can be 2127 59th Street riage. The lecture can now be heard on Kol reached at 212-613-8129. Another help- 718-207-1317 Haloshon. Call 718-906-6400. ful resource is calling the Professional Career Services of Agudas Israel at 718-436-1900 Follow these prompts to find that particular Five Towns: or 732-905-9700 in Lakewood. class quickly and easily: 1st Monday of the month 1 for English Please keep your fellow sisters in mind, and if you know of a job opening, please call the at 8 PM 5 for women March - Woodmere 13 Ohr Naava shiurim office. April- not yet decided 4 archives •••••••••••••••• Cindy Safran 5 speech by Lisa T. Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz Feel free to check out the various speakers on 516-238-2116 Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz is the dean of Ye- many topics. They are all fantastic! shiva Darchei Noam in Monsey, and found- Passaic: •••••••••••••••• er and director of Project YES. He is a Sunday, March 8th well-known authority on parenting and has a Counterforce Parenting 10:30 AM deep understanding of kids-at-risk. He has Workshop an amazing website full of wonderful infor- Speaker: Counterforce will be having a parenting mation and resources, including all his let- Debbie Selengut workshop series for single mothers. This ters and articles that have been written over 101 Park Ave is a more advanced series, and is geared to the years on many topics in Mishpacha and For future events, those women who have already taken some other publications. Call Shiffie Grossman sort of parenting workshop in the past. It will One of the newest articles posted is called 973-471-7737 be a six-part class, and will be in Midwood, Shlomo Hamelech for a Day, discussing the Brooklyn. There is a nominal fee for the challenge of setting up appropriate custody Lakewood: class. If you would like to join, please call and visitation arrangements with divorced Every 8 sessions is a new Shaindy W. at 718-435-2306. The class parents when one is less frum than the other group. New people can only will be led by Naomi Sternberg, LMFT. or is no longer frum at all. The readers’ sign up when new session feedback on the topic is fascinating, and in- begins •••••••••••••••• cludes responses from rabbonim, therapists LCSC Employment and laymen. Visit the website at www.Rab- Hadassah Goodman Especially in these tough economic times, biHorowitz.com. 773-315-6511 finding a job is more difficult than ever. If Rabbi Horowitz also has a new phone line (Note new number) you are seeking employment, you can call the to answer calls from the public every night. office and let us know what you’re looking He can be reached at 845-825-6600 from for, and we will try our best to network for 10 to 11 p.m. , Sunday through Thursday. Flatbush: you and pass on your resume. There are He will ask you first if you read his article Wednesday, March 4th also some community organizations that are Answers About Questions, which is an es- 8:30 PM excellent resources to help you in your job say he wrote on asking for advice, so be sure Chaya Sara Sokol search. Partners in Parnosoh is a new orga- to read that first on his website before call- 1060 East 2nd Street nization that works one-on-one with job seeking. For more information about the calling 718-258-7682 ers. They will help you with your resume, system, see the article called The Best Way conduct mock practice interviews and help to Reach Me. Monsey / Monroe: you find a job. They’re based in Monsey, Ohel but will help people from all areas. They can Miriam Horowitz be reached at 845-356-0202. 845-425-7705 43 44