Translation Unit Under Threat Inside...>>

“Keep the Cat Free”

25/01/13 Issue 1537 felixonline.co.uk

Becky Lane, Doug Hunt, Deputy President You voted them in... Deputy President (Welfare) (Education) Manifesto Review Manifesto Review Page 10 What have they done? Page 11

Translation Unit under threat Inside...>> Petition to save Unit gets over 4,700 signatures in just one week FEATURE Members of staff now unsure of their future

Maciej Matuszewski Reporter pended and while the College say that they hopes the Unit will be able to fi nd a home at a diff erent institution Translation Unit is located Th e Imperial College Management it admits that, if this should prove not in Sherfield. It’s not Board has announced the proposed to be possible, it might be closed per- always this sunny though closure of the College’s Translation manently. Studies Unit (TSU). Founded in 2001 Staff found out about the plans at to provide teaching for the College’s a meeting on Friday 18 January. In a What is a social new MSc in Scientifi c, Technical and subsequent email to members of the Medical Translation, the only such Unit Dr Jorge Diaz-Cintas told col- enterprise? 8 degree in the country, it now oversees leagues that the primary reason for >> the studies of over a hundred Masters the proposals is that the Board does and Doctorate students. A period of not consider “the activities carried consultation regarding the fate of the out by the TSU are not considered Unit began last Friday and is set to run core to the College strategy”. Th e Unit COMMENT until February 18. All applications to remains profi table and fi nancial con- courses run by the unit have been sus- siderations are understood not >> 5

Fill it out online at: Felix Sex Survey returns felixonline.co.uk/sexsurvey

A United States of Europe? >> 21

Hangman

Spotted: Imperial themed groups >>44 2 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY EDITOR’S PICKS

24 24 CLUBS AND 14 SEX SURVEY >> DRUGS SURVEY >> SOCIETIES >> Talk about sex Chat about drugs I Night... Yep, as you probably saw on the front page, the Fe- This year we are also doing a Drugs Survey. This is to It’s I Night, which is where the all international lix Sex Survey is back. Puns away: do it all night. Flip ﬁ nd out your thoughts on drugs and what drugs you clubs showcase their various cultures and talents. to the Centrefold to see me naked promoting it, if have/haven’t. Don’t worry, this survey is very secure This is deﬁ nitely going to be something worth go- you’re into that sort of thing. Please be as honest as and even if we wanted to (which we wouldn’t) we ing to! There’s also Singaporean Societies event possible as it’s all secure. literally couldn’t see who said what. Homecoming to look forward to.

CLASSIFIEDS Lost in Translation Maths tutor wanted Maths tutor needed for 7 and 9 year olds. High performing children that need support to continue to perform at a high level. Initially two hours per week and potentially more espe- Tim Arbabzadah cially during exam periods. Editor-in-Chief Must be able to speak English. Family live in Knightsbridge. he Translation Unit of Im- it will be one of those consultations rid of you. Rate of £20 per hour. perial is under threat. There where it turns out the original sugges- I asked College if the staff are going to is currently a “consultation tion is what happens in the end after stay on until all current students are fi n- Tperiod” going on. This will consulting with people just because ished, as they will need them to super- If interested: contact Anne at [email protected] decide the fate of the Unit. you need to show everyone that you vise the projects. The answer I received The idea being that it doesn’t fi t with are asking about. One of those studies was a non commital “we’re in consulta- College’s strategy. Maybe it doesn’t, but where you stick your fi nger in your ears tion before any fi nal decisions are taken how is anyone supposed to know given and scream “LALA I’m not listening, sor- so aren’t at that stage.” That sounds like that when you ask them they refuse to ry, was working on my excellent (appar- a ‘possibly not, but, for now, we have to say what that even means. ent) leadership skills” when people reply just say something incredibly non spe- Many of you will not know about this to you. Just in case College are wonder- cifi c’. Surely that would be somewhere Unit. Maybe some of you don’t care. But ing: look, you’ve consulted, people have on the agenda when discussing this. I Email [email protected] to place Classifi eds. wait, who will be next? Given that a Unit said your idea sucks, sorry to have to mean, the people who made this deci- Boy/girl seeking boy/girl also welcome. Accompanying pictures of you in that makes money can be axed, what break the news to you. sion are all accomplished individuals provocative poses in the Library not. about anyone else, especially those Maybe you will think that you don’t who have words like ‘professionalism’ that are losing money? I fear that they care about all of this as you don’t think it and ‘expertise’ fl ying around their bios. will go the way of the Life Sciences: is important. If not, that is fi ne. You can Wouldn’t one pipe up and say “erm, you they will be cut like a DJ’s sampler from have a reasoned debate about why you know how we say no students will be LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: Finding these is a perk of the job the 90s (that’s one for all you ‘old school think that, but you can’t deny that many affected, well, what about the staff su- ravers’ out there – sorry, I’ve been play- people all over the world think the op- pervising them through their PhDs? Will ing a lot of Oxide and Neutrino in the of- posite. As well as this, consider the fact they stay on to keep supervising them? fi ce recently). that it isn’t losing money. This is what Let’s discuss this and make an informed You may think this is rather presump- makes the decision strange. decision on that outcome to not cause tuous to say it is closing. Well, there Perhaps you still don’t care. In this distress and uncertainty”. certainly is international support for it case, put yourself in the lecturer’s Luckily, there is hope that it will be to remain open. Just look at the petition shoes. Image you have been told all of able to at very least move to a different to keep it open and you’ll see how many a sudden that you are possibly going to university. However, the heavy empha- signatures, and where they are from, it be made redundant when you thought sis on science is what leads me to be- has accrued in such a short space of it was all going well. It’s a bit like walk- lieve that this is a good place for it, but time. When was the last time you man- ing into lectures one day and being told I could be wrong. It will be interesting aged to get 10 people to do something, that there is a consultation period on to see how this develops. I think that let alone nearly 5000. That’s impres- whether or not to kick you out. You may translation is important and hope that sive. I worry that this “consultation pe- be a bit concerned and think that per- College reverses this decision and at riod” is going to not really be that. I think haps they have already chosen to get least fi nds a new home for the Unit.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2013. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah Deputy Editor Saskia Verhagen Assistant Editor Matt Colvin News Editor Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud Features Editors Caroline Wood, Stephen Smith Business Editor Deepka Rana Science Editors Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett Politics Editors Padraic Calpin, Marie-Laure Hicks Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti Comment Editors George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang Arts Editors Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Music Editors Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter Television Editor Lucia Podhorska Film Editors Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles Games Editor Ross Webster Technology Editors Max Eggl, Jason Parmar Coffee Break Boss Matt Colvin Travel Editor Veronika McQuade Sports Editors Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky Online Editors Philip Kent, Jonathan Kim Puzzles Commanders Louisa Byrne, Sotirios Karamitsos Copy Chief Annina Sartor Copy Editors Sanchit Sharma, Jack Peacock, Thomas Lim, Laurence de Lussy Kubisa, Matt Colvin Illustrators Hamish Muir, Lizzy Griffiths Web Uploading Matt Colvin Special Thanks: First and foremost to the multitalented Phil Kent for incredibly managing to get both the Sex Survey and Drug Survey ready! Matt Allinson for his work on the Sex Survey and Ross Gray for his work on the Drugs Survey. Register by 28 Deadline: 25

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News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] The paradox of Paragon: Imperial students pay more for the same halls Lizzy Griffiths Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief quickly” with providers due to the deci- this was denied by Noke saying “the sion by College to refurbish and rede- costs... are not being covered by the velop Wilson House being “fairly late”; welfare budget this year”. Imperial College London students a refurbishement that left hall seniors, Noke added that the College also are paying more for the same room sub wardens and wardens in limbo as “pay a small contribution to allow our in the same halls than students from to their living arrangements. Noke said students access to the UWL shuttle two other London universities. Fresh- that the decision by College “didn’t busses between 7am–8pm each week- ers from Imperial pay £155 per week leave us with very much time to get an day”. Th is is to South Ealing, on the Pic- for a room in Paragon. Students from alternative option online ready for the adilly line in Zone 2 and is for students West Th ames College London (West UG accommodation application pro- to travel in to College. Th ames) and University of West Lon- cess early last summer”. He also noted Paragon is a temporary halls that don (UWL) both pay £133.55 a week. further delays saying :“We looked at a is being used by Imperial this year to When questioned, College gave mul- number of sites and our preferred op- house some freshers, it has also been tiple reasons to Felix to explain the dis- tion was actually in Elephant & Castle used to house freshers before – an ex- crepancy. (in zone 1, not too far from Xenia in ample of this is in 2008 when the Col- Th e students from the two other Waterloo) which would have allowed lege was oversubscribed. Noke said universities have a 44 week contract, us to keep all of our students under one that the decision to house students whereas the Imperial students have a 39 roof with one Wardening team (and there was because “the facilities and week contract. Th is means that overall possibly some of our own staff ) at more services had been ‘tried and tested’”. It is Imperial students pay a total of £6045, aff ordable rents.” Th e option was dis- in Brentford, which is a long way from which is £168.80 over the total paid by missed as a number of those in College the main South Kensington campus. the other students. However, at the 39 and the Union were uncomfortable Th ere are 839 rooms in Paragon, which week mark the Imperial student has with Imperial freshers being located in is owned and managed by Notting Hill paid £836.55 more than the students Elephant & Castle. Housing Trust. Th ere is an agreement from West Th ames and UWL. Th e fi g- Noke stated that the length of the with UWL, which means that they ures were shown to Felix after a Union contract that College wanted (39 rather must give their blessing for rooms to be employee looked into the matter. than 44 weeks) was a contributing fac- released to other parties, such as Impe- Felix contacted Paul Noke, Head of tor to the increased rent saying “the rial. West Th ames College have a long- Residential Services and GradPad, to College had to pay a slightly higher rate standing agreement to use some of the explain the discrepancy in cost. He said to secure the rooms for Imperial Col- rooms for exactly the same terms and that “College is, in fact, subsidising to lege students.” rates as UWL. bring the weekly rent in at £155 per Wardening increased the cost but Wilson House redevelopment was week for our students”. was considered “vitally important to granted planning permission on 6 No- Noke told Felix that there were many the welfare of our students”. Th e team’s vember 2012, and Noke told Felix that reasons for the price being as it is. costs were initially thought to have they will re-open it for the 2013-14 in- He stated that they had to “negotiate been from the welfare budget, however take.

Student makes racism complaint to College

Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief statement: “Given how accessible parts Stage 3 of the Complaints Procedure.” I noticed, however the room was be- who might be able to aff ect change see of the Campus are to members of the Due to the diff erences between coming set up for interviews, so I was me. As I write this, I am missing lec- public, the Security team routinely ask plaints, it is sometimes unclear in the more prompt than usual in using the tures because of the message our policy A black student has raised a complaint to check staff and students’ College ID College Ordinances (the documents microwave and ate outside the medic’s sends not only to me, but to my peers of racism after being asked to show cards in restricted areas as part of their that govern how College must be run) union in the common cafeteria since and anyone who may be randomly vis- identifi cation by security offi cers fol- duties. On this occasion, security offi c- exactly what stage the complaint is at. the medic’s union was soon to be oc- iting: if you do not look like us, you are lowing a call made to College by a ers responded to a call from a member It seems as though the complaint has cupied. After having my lunch I re- subject to harassment. I do not know member of staff who thought the stu- of staff who had seen someone she not reached Stage 3, the fi nal stage, yet. entered my home department’s lounge how many others in our community dent may not be a member of Imperial. didn’t recognise in her building. Th e Th e student noted that Terry Branch (Skempton building) waiting for my have been negatively impacted by our Th e complaint was raised near the staff member was on alert for people and the offi cers who stopped him be- afternoon lectures to begin.” At this policy.” Th e letter fi nished with: “Such end of last term, and to Felix’s knowl- she didn’t know following a number haved very professionally. point the student was stopped by two negative impact may lead to Alumni edge the student has not received a re- of thefts in the building recently. As is In the letter to College the student Offi cers and asked to show identifi ca- not wanting to donate or volunteer ply to the letter he send via email – it routine following a call like this, secu- highlighted the reason for being upset. tion. At the time the student was with a with Imperial at all after their time is is now over 6 weeks since the original rity attended, checked the individual’s “I fi nd it incredibly stressing, especially group of peers who were all white and done. I urge you to consider making a complaint was raised. Th e student ID card and apologised for any incon- at this point in the term, that I can in- European. In the letter, the student change. I have not off ered a solution, said: “It has now been over a month venience caused. Th e complaints pro- vest loads into a University and have said: “I even considered the way I was but have only stated the problem. My and I have not heard from anyone. cedure isn’t managed by our team so I folks think I do not belong, especially dressed and concluded it did not draw job as a student is to be a student. I Clearly this matter is not being taken can’t advise on this.” when I am using a public space for unnecessary attention to me”. believe the solution should come from seriously.” Felix also contacted Denis Wright, University students!”. In the letter, the student also ex- Staff and Administration.” Th e student was asked to show iden- Dean of Students, who confi rmed that Th e incident started with the student pressed dismay at how diffi cult the tifi cation, and believes that the reason he was aware of the complaint. He going about their normal routine. In procedures in place were, saying: “I feel Th e student did not wish to be named. that they were picked out as not be- said: “Security have discussed this with the letter to College this is explained it is unfair Imperial College of London However, they asked for a note at the longing to the university was due to [the student]. If the student has made a as “I entered the Alexander Flemming with all of its accolades require that I end saying that if anyone has been af- their skin colour. formal complaint and it is not resolved building and briefl y stepped into the see multiple personnel, set up number fected by a similar issue contact Felix Felix contacted Terry Branch, Head at the initial stages it will come to me to medic’s student union to heat up my of appointments and wait an undeter- ([email protected]) to be put in of Security, who gave the following consider together with the Academic at food as I have done daily for the term. mined amount of time for someone touch. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 5

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected] NEWS Thousands of signatures on petition College fails to properly give a reason and explanation to the statement that it doesn’t ﬁ t with the College strategy

continued from the front page should the TSU close and these stu- but doing it for its own sake” with >> dents have been particularly vocal in Soledad Zarate, another PhD stu- not to have played a part in the deci- their concerns. Lindsay Bywood told dent, further questioning how “an in- sion. Felix of her disappointment at how stitution of such high calibre, home Th e plans have met with wide- “PhD students and part-time MSc to students coming from all over spread opposition, with members of students are being cast adrift by the the world, [does] not recognise that the Unit creating a petition to pre- College in the middle of their cours- translation is vital for the transferral vent its closure. Encouraging people es”, asserting that “an award of an Im- of knowledge and research between to sign the petition Dr Diaz-Cintas perial degree is pretty meaningless cultures worldwide”. emphasised that, “With a track re- when I have no idea what sort of su- Concerns have also been raised cord of 12 years of large-scale MSc pervision, library, and facilities sup- about how the closure might de- teaching and PhD provision, the port I will receive for the next three value degrees that have already been TSU has established itself as a strong years of my research”. awarded, with Emmanouela Pati- player within the College, with very Th is is a view shared by Renata niotaki fearing that after the TSU’s healthy recruitment, particularly of Mliczak, who believes that “the plans “closure or transferral the validity of overseas students, at both MSc and of the Management Board at IC are our degree in the translation indus- PhD levels, and a strong provision truly inconsiderate of all the TSU try will be questioned”. Yuan Long The petition to keep the Translation of further complementary activities”. students”. She added that while it concurs, adding that with “current Studies Unit in Imperial College Arguing against any proposed move was clear that “academics around the gloomy picture of economy” employ- of the unit he claimed out that with world see the importance of the work ers might consider a qualifi cation its “strongly technical and scientifi c and research conducted by IC TSU from a “Translation Unit at Imperial possibility of the Unit becoming es- that a priority would be to protect profi le” the College was the “most scholars, it is a big shame that IC which no longer exists” to have been tablished in an alternative academic the position of students currently natural home” for a department spe- cannot see and appreciate discredited. environment be explored, with a bet- registered in the Unit. Regardless of cialising in technical translation. it”. She asserts that the In a statement given to Felix ter institutional fi t where the TSU the outcome of the consultation, all Th e petition attracted over 2,500 proposed closure acts the College’s communication could form part of a larger and there- TSU students will be able to continue supporters in its fi rst 48 hours and, “as a message to the offi ce said: “Th e consultation fore more sustainable department. to work towards an Imperial College at the time of going to print, was world that IC is not follows a review by Imperial’s … Th e Management Board agreed degree.” just over 260 signatures off meeting interested in dissemi- Management Board, which its target of 5,000. Signatories have nating (through trans- regularly evaluates the strate- praised the Units “unique contribu- lation) the great re- gic fi t of all parts of the Col- tion” to technical translation and search that is done here lege. Following the review of the Sponsored Editorial have called it a “fundamental point of in medicine, engineering TSU, Management Board agreed reference” of the fi eld. and natural sciences, that the Unit’s activities are It is unclear what would happen not core to Impe- to PhD students rial’s strategy. More student cuts in the middle “It also pro- Dr Diaz-Cintas, Head of the of their degrees posed that the Translation Unit is strongly opposed to the closure Discount haircuts for Imperial students at Fresh Hairdressers Summer Ball planners need you near South Kensington

Tom Roberts Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) discount and bring your student ID Eoghan J Totten Reporter Women’s cut and rough dry £28 we look forward to seeing you. Women’s cut and salon fi nish We use only the best products, blow-dry £38 (normally £55) Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal, and A meeting of the Ents Working Group, KMS and offer free coffee and chaired by Stefan Nubert, Deputy FRESH Hairdressers has been herbal teas. President (Finance & Ser, is due to be offering high quality, fashionable To book an appointment call 0207 held on Friday 1 February at 12:30 – haircuts for over 20 years. All of 823 8968. 1:30 pm. Th e group is set to convene our haircuts are by highly experi- Tuesday to Saturdays 9.30 to 5.30 in order to consolidate a budget for enced stylists, NOT trainees. We are only 70 metres from South future events orchestrated by Ents, Kensington tube station. including the prospective 2013 Sum- TO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT www.freshhairdressers.co.uk mer Ball. All students are welcome 1) You don’t have to spend a lot of to attend and sit in session. A draft money at expensive trendy salons budget is said to have been written 2) You don’t have to spend hours but is open to modifi cation (barring as a Guinea pig at a training school meeting charges). Students attending 3) You don’t have to be butchered the session are invited to have an ac- at some cheap Barbers tive input and submit any suggestions 4) You don’t have to wait till you go as appropriate. Budget fi nalisation will back home take place over the coming month of A filler image of The Mingle this year. Students will be hoping that there is February. Th e current budget hopes to Come to FRESH, ask for a student a sizeable bar tab so they can “get on it” after exams... give a bar tab of over £22,000. 6 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Academic uprising: 5% more professors Increase in the number of female professors for the second year in a row

Nida Mahmud News Editor staff . However, there was an increase in the number of females with mana- Largest increase gerial positions, with 8,740 in 2011 has been for solely On 17 January, the Higher Education and 8,770 in 2010. In addition, there teaching roles Statistics Agency (HESA) released the was a decrease in the number of fe- fi rst set of data from the 2011/12 Staff males employed as laboratory, engi- record. Th is data provides informa- neering, building and IT technicians. tion about staff employment at UK Higher Education Institutions (HEIs) Academic Staff on 1 December 2011. Th e results have Despite the overall decrease in higher been produced in partnership with education staff , there was actually a the UK administrations and have been 0.5% increase in academic staff , with released upon approval by the UK Sta- 200 more than the previous year. tistics Authority. A detailed analysis of Th ere was an increase in female aca- the HESA Staff record will be released demic staff from the previous year; in March 2013. Felix did a brief analy- with 80,775 (44.5%) female academic sis of the results, so you don’t have to... staff in 2011 compared to 80,090 (44.2%) in 2010. Th ere was a 5.7% in- All Staff crease in the number of academic staff Th e data shows that on 1 Decem- employed as professors, with 18,465 ber 2011, there were 378,250 staff in 2011 and 17,465 in 2010. Th e most 2008-2009, there has been a 5.3% in- largest increase was for employment said she is “pleased that there has been employed in the HE sector, demon- notable change was the 9.7% increase crease in professors, with 930 more in solely teaching roles, this sector a rise in the number of female profes- strating a decrease of 0.9% from the in female professors, there were 3,790 professors now employed in UK showed an increase of 820 employees sors in the sector. However, universi- 371,790 staff employed on 1 Decem- in 2011 and only 3,455 in 2010. Con- higher education institutions. Addi- to 45,825. Th ere was also an increase ties still have more to do to ensure that ber 2010. Th e all staff count excludes sequently, the proportion of women tionally, there has been a 16% rise in in research staff and those employed staff are promoted on merit irrespec- atypical staff . 181,385 (48.0%) were who are now professors is 20.5%. Th is the number of female professors from for both teaching as well as research. tive of their background or gender. academic professionals compared to increase seen by female professors is 2008-2009, with their currently being BBC News reported that the “gen- Students want to be taught by the best 181,185 (47.5%) in 2010. In 2011 the more than double the rise seen by the 520 more employed in UK higher edu- eral secretary of the University and and brightest, and staff want to work percentages of female staff remained previous year (2010-2011 from 2009- cation. College Union, Sally Hunt, welcomed in universities where gender is not constant from last year, with 46.9% of 2010) at 4.1%. Taking a look at the academic staff the increase in female professors but an issue when it comes to career ad- full-time staff and 67.0% of part-time Furthermore, in comparison to responsibilities, it can be seen the said there was more to be done”. She vancement.” International PG applications down Applications have fallen for the fi rst time in 16 years

Aemun Reza News Editor ity of numbers in many postgraduate courses and research teams in science, technology engineering and math- Th e number of Non-EU postgradu- ematics. ate applicants has fallen for the fi rst “Attracting the brightest and most Arrivals gate as time in 16 years. In previous years ambitious postgraduate and research international the numbers had risen annually by an students is critical if the UK is to students arrive. Oop, average of more than 10%. Figures re- maintain its quality reputation for re- satire... leased by the Higher Education Statis- search and innovation,” Beall said. tical Agency (Hesa) shows a 1% drop Th e government aims to cut down fuelling ideas that the government’s net migration to the “tens of thou- immigration crackdown is deterring sands” by 2015 and there are fears that students continuing their education in this will aff ect international students the UK. that want to study in the UK. Mark Th e drop, from 174,225 to 173,560, Harper, the Immigration Minister, de- ernment could make this change, Mr company’s economic success. I don’t may have dissuaded many students was the fi rst fall since such Hesa data nied calls from universities to remove Harper issued a “no”. see any logical reason why we would from applying to the UK, and in par- began in 1995. Th e total number of overseas students from the net mi- He added: “Th e international defi ni- treat them [overseas students] diff er- ticular postgraduate students who are university applicants for 2012 has de- grant count. He said there is no “logi- tion that’s used is that if you change ently”. so important to the UK’s research out- creased by 7.4% compared to the pre- cal reason” to make the change. your country of residence for more Even though there has been a con- put. Th e UK enjoys an excellent repu- vious year along with a decrease in the Universities UK has told the govern- than a year, you are a migrant. Frankly, tinual increase in the number of stu- tation around the world for the high number of EU applicants by 11.2%. ment that they should remove inter- if we weren’t going to count students, dents coming to the UK from China, quality of our education system, so Jo Beall, British Council Director of national students who are sponsored it’s not obvious why we wouldn’t count there has been a drop in the number of the government needs to ensure that Education and Society, said “the sector by universities from the net migration lots of other people.” students applying from both India and institutions have all the support they was expecting a decline in growth, but count so that these universities are Yes, [the students are] paying fees to Pakistan by 25% and 13% respectively. need to attract international students the actual reduction in postgraduate spared from the government’s plans. come here, but in the same way some- Beall said: “Th ese statistics for the who make a tremendous academic, numbers is of real concern as inter- However, when asked if he could one coming here to work for a private fi rst time provide real evidence that cultural and economic contribution to national students make up the major- envisage a situation where the gov- sector employer is contributing to that the changes to UK visa regulations the UK.” FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 7

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected] NEWS The “Brian Cox Effect” Niall Jeffrey Reporter cants. Many people, including prom- ics undergraduates. Th e students inent academics and public fi gures, were asked whether Brian Cox had Of course you’ll apply attribute this to the rise in popularity aff ected their decision in applying to Manchester with Th is year “Brian Cox Eff ect” is once of Brian Cox. Professor Peter Main to the university. Th e responses may those “come hither” again being hailed as the factor re- of the Institute of Physics agrees with have been signifi cant in the deci- eyes. Touch my sponsible for the number of applica- this assessment, saying that Brian sion to assign the Quantum Phys- hadron now Brian tions to physics degrees continuing Cox “demystifi es” physics. ics course for this year’s students to to buck falling national trends seen in Speaking to Th e Telegraph last Brian Cox. the majority of subjects. Manchester week, he said, “About 10 years ago… Manchester is also capitalising on University, academic home of Profes- people used to say ‘If only we could its position by being the fi rst Univer- sor Cox, seems to agree that the sci- get a face of physics’ like David At- sity to include two A*s in the entry ence populariser is at least partially tenborough for biology”. requirements for Physics degrees. responsible, as internal surveying of Manchester University’s own phys- Th ere are of course other reasons their students suggests. ics course has increased in popular- mooted for the increase in physics By the start of 2012 the application ity with last year’s fi gures breaking applications, and plausible to sug- count for physics degrees has had a through the 1000 fi gure in 2012, gest that Brian Cox’s popularity may 50% increase compared to 8 years ago compared to 850 in 2009. We have be the eff ect, rather than the cause, contributing factors such as geek- selves we will have to get our own, and estimates show that this rise con- learned from a Manchester physics of a renewed interest in physics. Prof chic and Th e Big Bang Th eory. as the man himself has on multiple tinues even against the backdrop of student that this led to an internal Sir Peter Knight, president of the In- Unfortunately for Imperial stu- occasions declared his love of Man- falling numbers of university appli- survey being sent to all 1st year phys- stitute of Physics, has even discussed dents, if we want a Brian Cox for our- chester and his reluctance to leave.

Driving Lessons For Imperial Students •A special offer for Imperial students Free Mock Test from from Denis Smyth retired Driving Examiner •Driving Standards Agency (DSA) Accredited Instructor 5 Driving Lessons for •Mock Test Examiner £95 "Denis is a fantastic teacher and knows how to get people from completely inexperienced and utterly hopeless driving up to the standard to pass their test. He is always calm and his comments are constructive; his knowledge of London and his knack of engineering driving routes that test the learner make the lessons more than worth it. Since I have met him he has shown a great desire to offer cheaper lessons to Imperial students and with the backing of other students I am more than happy to support him."

- Alex Kendall, IC Union President 2010-11

"I learned to drive in one of the busiest cities in the world. I passed first time. Would I recommend Denis? Without hesitation."

- Leon Vanstone, Aeronautical Engineering To make inquiries and book lessons, call 07808 610 898 8 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] What’s the link between Jamie Oliver, Hint: It’s not nakedness. (Though that could work too... sort of...)

he term “social enter- The Good Gym prise” was fi rst coined during the late 70s. Th e idea is simple. A social Tenterprise is a business where social aims come fi rst, and profi t comes second. Yes, you read that right – social aim fi rst, profi t second. Social entrepreneurs are business minded people who are a little A lesser-known social enterprise is the bit warm and fuzzy around the edge. GoodGym. Operating in East London, Th ink Alan Sugar meets Mother Th e- they take exercise out of the gym and resa, or Donald Trump meets Flor- make it useful. In their words “gyms ence Nightingale. It’s all about busi- purposefully waste energy. Th ere are ness acumen being applied to doing many neglected tasks, and people in good. our communities that need that en- Social enterprises have been pop- ergy.” For example, in order to tackle ping up all over the place since the loneliness amongst older people, start of the new millennium. Th ey GoodGym members adopt an elderly are a growing trend that’s showing no person as their coach and run to their sign of slowing, and for good reason. house to deliver a newspaper, or some Since social enterprises generate their fruit. Pretty neat, huh? own income, and don’t rely on grants It was set up by Ivo Gormley, a or donations (like charities do), they Clore Social Leadership fellow and are often hailed as a more sustainable documentary fi lm-maker and seems mechanism for social change. Th is as though it’s growing in popularity means that when times get tough (hel- across the big smoke. lo ‘fi nancial crisis’) and charities suff er from lowered levels of funding, a social enterprise can retain the ability to Your turn? keep on solving social issues. So as you can see, there are loads of Th ere a loads of social enterprises great social enterprises around. But around. You probably think of many as what about student-run social enter- just normal businesses rather than so- prises? Th ere are a few initiatives run cial projects. Take Jamie Oliver’s res- by students, E.quinox is a brilliant taurant Fifteen, for example. Here, un- to re-join mainstream society by sell- Teach First Divine Chocolate example of a student led social enter- employed young people are trained as ing a magazine. prise at Imperial. However, shouldn’t chefs and are thereby given the chance Th ere are so many diff erent kinds there be more? After all universities to have a better future. Another good of social enterprises, set up by diff er- are full of bright, creative people example is Th e Big Issue, where home- ent people for diff erent reasons. Teach wanting to involve themselves in in- less people are given the opportunity First, Divine Chocolate and Th e Good teresting extra curricular projects. to take some control of their lives and Gym are three diff erent examples. Everyone has heard of TeachFirst. Th ey Social enterprises should be bursting have an innovative business model out of the seems of our campuses. So where they entice bright graduates to why aren’t they? tackle educational disadvantage by Last Friday Imperial Hub met up teaching in schools for two years or with Year Here (another Social Enter- Did anyone else used to think more. Once they have completed the Or otherwise known as that really nice prise challenging gap year students to that The Naked Chef was scheme, graduates choose whether to chocolate in the Library café for days spend a “year here” in the UK tack- about Jamie cooking naked? continue teaching, assume positions when a bar of Dairy Milk just can’t cut ling social issues in their own back- within government or industry or even it. yard) to consider this exact question. work on their own social enterprises. Th e Divine chocolate shop gives One interesting point raised was It was set up by an ex McKinsey em- coaco farmers a fair-trade price and around failure. University teaches us ployee. Brett Wigdortz took a planned 45% ownership of the company. It was to fear failure. As students, we are six-month leave of absence from Mc- founded as a partnership between the constantly trying to avoid failing our Kinsey to develop a business plan for Kuapa Kokoo cocoa growers’ collec- exams, lab reports and/or projects. Teach First. He had no experience of tive and the alternative trading organ- However, in real life, and especially in either public policy or teaching when ization Twin Trading. It means that the fi eld of entrepreneurship, failure he started and had never managed the Kuapa Kokoo cocoa growers have is essential to learning, refi ning and anyone. Teach First is a great example a say about how the company is run then improving. of how anyone with a great idea, some resulting in fair working conditions Failure is conducive to good ideas basic business knowledge and true and an authentic respect of local tra- and the term “fail fast” is a rapidly dedication can make a real positive dif- ditions. It also sells yummy chocolate spreading piece of wisdom for bud- ference. of course. ding entrepreneurs. We talked about how opening up a space where failing is OK, and even encouraged, could help students be more experimental, adventurous and ultimately more creative in their social entrepreneurship initiatives. Another challenge discussed was FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 9

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood [email protected] FEATURES London’s gyms and Divine Chocolate? Caroline Wood introduces you to the world of Social Enterprise

the anxiety of choosing a risky career path as an entrepreneur whilst friends are securing jobs on well respected graduate schemes. In fact most large companies now either ac- tively support young entrepreneurs, or at least perceive entrepreneurship as a desirable trait. Being involved in a Venture Catalyst Challenge ‘13 social enterprise at university doesn’t necessarily tie you to a career path in entrepreneurship and more likely than not is likely to aid your application to any job! Th e key message here is that social enterprise at university is not just something that those want- START your ing to ‘become entrepreneurs’ should social enterprise explore. It can be fun, interesting and rewarding for everyone.

The Venture Catalyst Challenge ‘13

University is a great time to get involved in new projects and experiment with things that may be outside of your comfort zone. Maybe you can’t fail your degree, but you can certainly try to learn a new sport, a new language or join a new society with absolutely no pressure COLLABORATIVE to be good at it. Trying to start your FOOD THE ELDERLY own social enterprise should be no CONSUMPTION different. That’s why this year ICStartup (a collaboration between Imperial 1/3 of the food we use in The way we use and comsu- There are now over 10 million Hub, Imperial Innovations and Im- perial Entrepreneurs) is bringing the UK is wasted, and much me stuff is changing. We people over the age of 65 you the Venture Catalyst Challenge, of the food we consume now care less about owners- living in the UK, and the your chance to develop an enterprise idea. This year the focus is has a high carbon footprint hip and more about access number is on the increase on digital and social enterprise. It’s offering students the chance to win anything from £500 to £250K to develop their idea, as well as providing expert support and advice via free How can we minimise How can we use How can we help the workshops and masterclasses. Imperial Hub is responsible for our food waste and collaborative con- elderly continue with the social enterprise aspect of the competition. Entrants are encouraged to submit an idea for any UK reduce the carbon sumption to help us their everyday based social enterprise and to be as creative as possible. However, footprint of our food? consume less and activities and prevent Imperial Hub has highlighted three social issues in the following areas connect communities? isolation? that may help spark your imagination.

• Food • Consumption Or, submit an idea tackling any UK based social issue of your choice • The Elderly

(See poster (right) for more details.) All you need to do is submit an idea by the 28th January to www.icstartup.com/vc and then ICStartup will help you develop it! What are imperial you waiting for? 10 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] The Manifesto Review Becky Lane, Deputy President (Welfare) dusts the cobwebs off the campaign material and sees what she thinks she has and hasn’t done

t is hard to believe that I am paign Planning – working on develop- over half way into my term ing a campaign group of students to “There needs to be an effective feedback as Deputy President (Wel- carry out mental health campaigns. I fare), elections still only feel am also working with other London Ilike they were last month! based Welfare Sabbs to hopefully car- mechanism regarding personal tutors” Following on from Paul’s article last ry out a London wide campaign. week I am doing a manifesto review, • Developing a Green Network as a but also talking about all of the other launch pad for green campaigns and This is a point that I am finally getting to work on! The way I envisage this working is to have something akin to a personal projects I have been involved in that initiatives – much more to come on tutor logging system. This is an ICT based project that the ICT department can’t begin until the previous project is finished. I hadn’t even dreamt up at the point this soon. Watch this space. The current ICT project is developing a new survey platform, which is hopefully coming to an end soon. I will be putting my of writing my manifesto. It has been a • New student led campaigns, no proposals for this system to a board in a few weeks time. I am pushing for your personal tutor to be aware of your exam and whirlwind so far and I have genuinely need to write much about this here, coursework marks also within this system. This hopefully means your personal tutors will be more aware of your general really enjoyed the job. Whilst doing turn to the Union page in Felix (page progress and both senior tutors and personal tutors will be able to step in to help much earlier when problems arise. I also my degree I was constantly counting 17) to fi nd out more about this! want to tie this in with improved personal tutor training to ensure your personal tutor can effectively and sensitively sup- down to the weekend with the general • Exam stress – this will be a big port you and signpost you to college services. feeling of WHAT IT’S ONLY TUES- campaign in the summer term where DAY?!? Th is year Friday always seems the Union will be trying to fi nd quick to appear out of nowhere with all of innovative ways for students to take the meetings I have to go to and the little breaks and distress during revi- “I think there also needs to be a more uniform projects I’m working on. It is hard to sion period. know if the role has involved what I • Unseen Imperial – campaigns thought it would when I started out, about underrepresented student peer support service from department to I really enjoy the mix of representing groups at Imperial. Th is also focuses students on welfare related commit- on destigmatising mental health. tees and also having time to peruse • Student Experience Survey – along department. Some faculties have buddy welfare campaigns and projects work- with a team of staff I am currently ing with Union staff . I would have to analysing the data, and reading every systems; I think there needs to be a robust say that the role is more varied than I single one of your free text comments. ever imagined, which is a huge posi- Keep a look out for the report, which tive from my point of view. Th e big- will be appearing over the next few model rolled out throughout College.” gest learning experience for me has months. defi nitely been having patience and • Pop up STI clinics in the Union. realising that I can’t make things hap- Th is will hopefully happen over the The mums and dads system has been a joint project between myself and Doug Hunt. There are challenges; however the pen alone. When starting a new pro- next few months. uptake has been better this year than previous year. I still believe that a centralised Union allocation system is the way ject you often need help and support Th at’s just to mention a few. If any- forwards. This year, we held a mums and dads event called The Great SOCOFF in November, and we are planning for this from other staff , other sabbaticals and one wants to get involved in any of the to happen in the first fortnight next year. We are holding another night in March which will be bigger and better than the College departments; and your priori- above projects – then feel free to drop last one – more to follow on this soon. We are going to deliver better training to departmental societies so that they can ties hardly ever match. Th at said, I will me an email! I really want to give some provide better mums and dads events. We also hope to lobby departments to give more support to the mums and dads sys- do a manifesto review and then a brief personal advice if you are thinking of tem meaning that going forwards it can be more effective. It was never going to be perfect in one year, but we are moving overview of some of the other things I running for a sabbatical position (es- in the right direction. have been involved with over the past pecially DPW), don’t let anyone tell year. you that you aren’t qualifi ed/need On the right are to have experience. Th e less previ- the main points ous involvement you have had, “I will campaign to further increase the from my mani- the steeper the learning curve; festo, but here but that isn’t necessarily a bad is a quick over- thing. Th e Union needs new resources of the Student Counselling Service” view of all the faces to bring fresh perspec- other projects tives and outlooks to problems that I am and projects. If I had listened to This is of course a case of working jointly with/lobbying College. In the past year the counselling service has expanded, with currently in- everyone that told me I wouldn’t the hope that another counsellor will be appointed soon bringing us in line with the national average. How this support volved with. win my election campaign, then is communicated to students still needs to be improved and is something I am definitely working on. I am also lobbying to • Mental there is no way I would be sat in provide increased support hours outside of the College day for all of the College welfare provisions. When you are stressed Health Cam- my offi ce writing this article right and down about work, the last thing you need is to miss lectures or labs. Hopefully by next year, the Counselling Service, now. GO FOR IT! If you have the Disabilities Advisory Service and the Health Centre will all be increasing their out of hours provision without cutting any questions about any existing hours. being Deputy Pres- ident (Welfare) or just spending a year as a sabbat- “Increased bike storage around College” ical drop me an email and I am always happy Over summer the amount of bike storage available in Beit Quad was doubled. Further long term solutions to bike storage to meet up need to be investigated by the College. for a chat. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 11

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood [email protected] FEATURES The Manifesto Review Doug Hunt , Deputy President (Education) wasn’t a mug and voted for Doug. He sees what he has and hasn’t done this year...

warn you now that this article is a bit dry but that is just the “Increase SOLE participation rates across “Improve graduate prospects by creating way I am. I ran for the Deputy Presi- the college and make sure the results are an Imperial student forum for intern- Ident (Education) role as I real- acted upon.” ships and year in industry placements.” ly enjoyed the Chemistry Dep Rep position and loved voicing the students’ point of view. I also found the subject Autumn SOLE got a 67% overall turnout across the College, which is the high- I am still planning on doing this but with an added feature for all students to of higher education very interesting est it’s been in years. Departmental staff across the College are taking SOLE use to help them study. when reading random articles on BBC more seriously now, than they did a few years ago and in every department news. they push you to fill it in. From being DPE I have learnt how However, the academic rep system also did its part to increase the participa- to use Microsoft Outlook extensively, tion rates, as I sent out daily year by year breakdown of participation rates to “Raise awareness of student organise my time between soooo many the Dep Reps and sent this information to the year reps three times a week. I meetings, committee meeting eti- also worked with ICT to get pop-ups appearing on login for those students who representation” quette, how a world leading university had not started SOLE in the second week. operates and coordinating a team of However, I feel the participation rate can be improved upon for spring and In November 2012 I coordinated a Rep Week, which saw academic reps wearing devoted academic reps. summer SOLE, so I will be finding more inventive ways for this to happen. bright rep “Love your rep” t-shirts and we managed to collect 448 suggestions, which Th e one thing I wasn’t expecting To make sure the results are shown to academic reps, I will be producing a were then sent to their reps to bring up at staff-student committees. This allowed you though was the large number of long paper on Staff Student Committees, which will go to the College’s Quality As- to easily identify your reps in person, rather than just by email. I also got personalised meetings I had to attend so there is stu- surance and Enhancement Committee and this will state whether SOLE is be- polos for your Dep Reps and Faculty Union Academic Officers at the start of the year. dent representation and the national ing discussed. In addition to this, I asked each Departmental Society committee to set up a Fresh- Quality Assurance Agency is happy ers’ Facebook group in Easter 2012, in order for there to be a greater sense of com- (they decide whether an institution can munity within each year and allows your academic reps to communicate with you award degrees or not). However it is via a different medium. crucial that a student representative is “Encourage faculties and departments to The A-Z reps system was also launched in November, which allows any student present at these meetings and I do get a to find any academic rep in any department and is regularly updated. If you log into better oversight of what is taking place set up exchange programmes with other Imperial College Union’s website it will even show you who your rep is on the “Your across the College. world class universities outside Europe.” Union” page. My manifesto review is on the right and hopefully you are glad you voted for me and not RON. I initially submitted a paper to Faculty of Natural Sciences (FoNS) Teaching Committee, as I was invited to give a presentation, as all departments in FoNS “Carry on the former DPE’s work, which (apart from Chemistry) only have year abroad partners in Europe. This paper includes campaigning for lecture pod- meant that the Director of Postgraduate Studies in Physics also attended the Rector’s trip to the USA and she asked the universities they attended about casts and improving the buddy system.” potential studying abroad schemes. I also ran an International Mobility survey in November and the report should be available in the next few weeks, which I plan to submit to interested Lecture podcasts parties and the College’s Strategic Education Committee. So at the end of the last academic year, the College publicly stated that it plans to roll out audio and video lecture podcasts. This is taking place over the next few years but students are generally disgruntled by the speed this is happen- ing. ICT are rolling it out at a steady pace as they wish to ensure the quality of “Work towards achieving personalised the service e.g. make sure they can handle the large amount of data uploaded every day. Paul and I both gave the College silver with respect to this in the NSS feedback on exams through personal response for the slow rolling out pace and have had a meeting with ICT regarding this issue, reiterating that students aren’t happy with it taking so long. tutor meetings.” Mums and Dads This year the buddy scheme was rebranded as Mums and Dads, which saw the In the 2011 student experience survey 87% of undergraduate respondents highest percentages of Freshers entering their data and the highest number of stated they wanted exam feedback via their personal tutor. This already parents signing up to the scheme. This was accomplished by me working with the takes place within life sciences and I stated this as good practise in the 2012 Departmental Societies and Dep Reps over the summer. This also would not have NSS Response. been possible without the Union System Administrator, Philip Kent setting up the As part of the Pro Rector (Education)’s consultation process for Imperial’s online matching system and showing the live percentages by subject (this proved educational strategy, she is including the academic representatives’ very useful for the Dep Socs and Dep Reps). opinion on the Education and Representation Board (both UG At the start of term I attended the ICSMSU Mums and Dads event to find any good and PG). Within this group I have given them the chance to practise, which I found a lot of. From attending this I arranged the Great Soc Off, say whether they think the College should adopt this level where 450 students paid to get into Metric on a Thursday night. Since the feedback of exam feedback and the Pro Rector (Education) can take on the night was so good we are running Soc Off 2.0 on 7th March, which I promise this into consideration. will be even better (for one, we aren’t kicking people out at midnight). To try and improve Mums and Dads 2013, we are currently looking into training the The ticks, crosses and neutral are newly elected Departmental Societies in the summer term, so they can start plan- what they think. What do you think? ning over the summer holidays and I personally would want a Soc Off in the second week of the Autumn term. Go online to felixonline.co.uk 12 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] A new kid on the block Matt Allinson on the new online newspaper at Imperial

his week Th e Tab Impe- ism brand, and if you are interested in rial launched, a new online online journalism, this is a really great op- news source that focuses portunity to get some good experience. on news and life of being As we’re online, if you have any funny Tstudent at Imperial and videos or photos from around campus around London. then we can be the place to share them Th e Tab will be updating hopefully with the wider community. We’re also daily, and we are aiming to be your one looking for enthusiastic animators and stop shop for news and views online after photoshoppers, as well as video editors you’ve ﬁ nished ranting on sexism com- and presenters to produce content for ment articles on the Felix website. the site. Much like Felix, we are constantly So where to get started? Well you can looking for writers for both features and visit our website imperial.tab.co.uk, like news. Unlike Felix, we are run entirely on us on Facebook at facebook.com/Th eTa- a part time basis so there are lots of op- bImperial or follow us on Twitter at @ portunities available for you to really take Th eTabImperial control of a large portion of the site and If you want to get in-touch, email me at do with it what you will! Th e Tab network [email protected] or through the is a well-known national student journal- Facebook group.

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SUNDAYS ACTIVITY SPACE 1

Free café – 5:30 14 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] The Overseas society presen

Alexander McFarquhar OCS

Next week marks the university’s second International Week of the year (4th – 9th Feburary) with overseas societies coming together to promote cultural diversity and integration at Imperial College. Th e celebrations build up to Saturday 9th Feburary where the 11th annual International Night will take place. With performances varying from traditional dances to traditional plays adapted to original modern day themes; this promise to be a hugely entertaining evening. Here we answer some questions and hear from the societies taking part and their plans to overload your sens- es with a cultural explosion that will leave you oozing happiness and truly in awe of the wealth of culture around day in day out at Imperial College. What is I Night? I-Night is a colourful variety show that has been running for over a decade. Originally a haven for international students to express their various traditions, it has grown into a major event in Imperial’s calendar and is the largest of its kind at the College. Th e event takes place in the Great Hall of Imperial College (9 February) and has proved to be a successful channel for the cultural vibrancy within the Col- lege time and time again. Favourite performances are the Japanese society’s ‘anime-style’ pantomime and Dance is our way of expressing the old an amazing spectacle right from the or mastered through studying. With Cypriot society’s cultural dance and oriental culture and this year’s chore- heart of Greek culture. From battle each person dancing each dance, the Funkology Society comedic sketches. Unsurprisingly, the ographies are an expansion upon last representations and victory celebra- unbreakable chain of teachers and FuNkoLoGy began in 2003 as a simple laughter and harmonious atmosphere year’s repertoire at I Night: we aim to tions to medieval sword fi ghting, the students expands in time to link all outlet for a group of students at Impe- produced by I Night has invited par- impress the audience with the shear Greek folklore dances can be char- those who have danced and have car- rial College to train and develop their ticipating groups beyond the overseas variety that belly dancing has to of- acterized as living history that has ried it with them over the centuries. passion for urban dance and push the societies including Funkology, Belly fer and can’t wait to see you there!! – come as heritage to us through the Th ese dances bear tales of strength boundaries of hip-hop dance perfor- Dancing society and Wushu to get in- Lydia Lilis ages. and bravery but also of love and pain. mance across the UK university com- volved in the celebrations. Th e Greek dances contain our his- We will embody these dances and munity. At I Night we are putting on I Night is a tradition between all Hellenic Society tory. Taught from one person to an- bring the tales back to life for I Night our best performance to date! participating societies and spurs a Th e Hellenic Society brings to you other, it cannot be captured in books – Michael Dinalexis Th e night is a fusion of talents, di- friendly air of competition encourag- versity and passion, and this is what ing everyone to give their all. As a re- © Alexander Yip 2012 I love about it. Th e excitement of the sult, the energy given off by the night competition for ‘best performance’ of attracts over 500 students each year the evening just adds to the special to attend the event. We are proud to occasion and means that the atmos- unite all of the students of Imperial phere on the night is truly electric! – together and donate the proceeds to Eva Yuan our chosen charity. – Wasim Khouri OSC Chair Japanese Society As is tradition, this year the Japanese We now hear from IC Belly Danc- society is going to perform a play at ing, Cypriot society, Hellenic society, I Night. Th e play is modern take on Japanese society and IC Funkology Japanese culture and the interaction about what they have in store for us with our world. on the night as well as words from With the play we want to promote the Co-Chairs of this great event. our culture, but mostly, we want to make people laugh. IC Belly Dancing Th e actors in the play are all well Th e IC Belly Dancing society would known characters that represent like to present to you a medley of Japan and perform through mime choreographs ranging from classical whilst all sounds are by narration and belly dance to a more modern twist. sound eff ect. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 15

[email protected] CLUBS & SOCIETIES nts... I-night: One World © Alexander Yip 2012 © Alexander Yip 2012

in many years to come. We look forward to I Night and encour- Th is year dents age you to open up your experiences the play will be to the Un- to the diversity of culture around you about a Japanese samurai win- ion. Th e aim of all our ac- at Imperial College. We invite you to ning a competition to date the Hime tivities is to promote cultural celebrate with us! One World!! (princess of his country). Th e exchanges, celebrate diversity, and shows involve characters like to embrace diff erences. Our ultimate Tickets are on sale in JCR and Queen’s Otaku (young people who are Cyprus at that time. dience, but hope and goal is for every student Tower from 28 January, also available highly skilled in, or obsessed with, Th e programme in- it mutually who passes through the gates of the on the night, 7pm Saturday 9 Febru- computer technology to the detri- cludes songs and traditional dances. teaches to students the cultural va- College to have a truly cosmopolitan ary, Great hall. Or online; see posters ment of their social skills), Kendo Fast paced, improvisational, and riety of the world: A world, which experience that will be remembered for more details!! master and Chadou (tea club). stunt dances are all included. Th e belongs to us, the future generations. I am so happy that we have the additional surprise this year is the Th is year’s I-Night titled ‘One world’ chance to perform at I Night and take dance of Kouza, which is performed captivates my interest not only to Message from the I Night part in the celebration of diversity at by women holding pottery vases with give my best self on stage but to also Imperial. – Da Chen a surprise love story also included in have an amazing time by being edu- the dance, part of the tradition!! Cyp- cated simultaneously. I can’t wait!!” – Co-Chairs Cypriot Society riot delicacies will be served during Michelle Kokkinou Live music with the sound of the the performance including the fa- Ioannis Kourouklides Faethon Milikouris inspiring violin and acoustic guitar, mous halloumi, shiromeri and the Conclusion accompanied with the marvelous exceptional drink of zivania!! – Renos Overall, International Night is a va- I never thought I would have the For the past two years I have been voices of singers, traditional cos- Karamanis riety performance of many cultures opportunity to get involved in part of the Cypriot society act, tumes, traditional food and drinks I am so impressed by the tradition- which displays our diversity at Imperi- organising a show such as I Night. performing the dance of Tatsia, and some tremendous folklore dance al and spectacular character of inight al College. It is put together by the OSC Last year, I became strongly mo- a cypriot traditional dance per- are what make Inight so enjoyable and its ability to probe to the roots committee which guides this quest. tivated after winning the event formed by a single dancer perfor me. Our performance this year is of 10 diff erent cultures in one night. With over 40 societies of diff erent na- with the Cypriot society. As a forming stunts with a traditional set in a coff ee shop in Cyprus at the Not only does it enable around 200 tionalities and background under our dancer, I truly enjoyed the show sieve and a glass full of alcohol in start of the 20th century and aims to Imperial students to unravel their care, the OSC is the body, which rep- and joined in the crowd’s excite- order to impress the woman he refl ect the customs and culture of talent on stage in front of a large au- resents over 5000 international stu- ment of experiencing a truly inter- loves. I cannot even describe how national atmosphere at The Great thrilled and excited I was while © Alexander Yip 2012 © Alexander Yip 2012 Hall. Participating at I Night was on stage, promoting my culture a life-time experience for us and to 300 people from different so- it was great to see our friends and cieties and different backgrounds. fellow students supporting us. The excitement was even big- Everybody was so thrilled in the ger when Cypriot society won! I audience that they were actually Night, is a big part of my studies vividly shouting for their favourite at Imperial, that is why I decided societies and waiving their na- to be the Co-Chair of this year’s I tional flags! Night, I felt so proud at this moment I promise you is going to be the and had to be involved in the biggest and most beautiful event event this year to deliver the most you have ever seen! exciting and impressive Interna- tional Night ever at Imperial!! 16 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Not going hard? Go Homecoming

Fellow students! Fancy an opportunity to enjoy a night experiencing the unique Singaporean culture while donating money to charity? Th en wait no longer! Th e Imperial College Singapore Society proudly presents Major Event 2013: Homecoming, the annual event in the Imperial College Singapore Society’s Calendar. Th is year it comes in the form of a musical, named “Homecoming”. It promises to be a light-hearted show with good fun and music as we take you through the lives of 5 students, trying to make their way back home. Th ere will be love, laughter and lots of singing and dancing so be prepared for a wonderful time! It will be a showcase of our Singaporean culture, our quirks, our quarks, and our very unique “Singlish” will be liberally dispensed, so what are you waiting for? Get your tickets at the Singapore Society’s Union site or look out for us at JCR from next week! All proceeds will go to Save the Children, UK. More details are available on www.facebook.com/majorevent2013. See you on the 2nd! Images: Singapore society’s Facebook page unionpage

We want your campaigns!

health day. The skills you can gain from running a campaign will also give an extra boost to your CV.

The possibilities are endless and there is a pot of money available for campaign budgets. So get your imagination going, be creative and think about what you want to campaign about. The form can be found at imperialcollegeunion. org/yourcampaigns or if you have any questions drop me an email at Sometimes it feels like campaigning is a to support you through your campaign! [email protected] and we can dirty word at Imperial. It’s time for that to Other examples could include lobbying meet up for a chat. Becky Lane change. There are lots of you out there College on a particular environmental DEPUTY PRESIDENT (WELFARE) [email protected] who feel passionately about causes and issue, or campaigning about student Imperial College Union runs would like to get your message out in mental health issues. If your club, society student-led campaigns Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs the wider Imperial community – and or project would like to run a campaign throughout the year, working now there is support for you to do that! then you can get involved too! We have made it easier for you to create on students’ behalf for change campaign teams, bid for funding and get We have already had interest from - whether it is local, national or your message out there. students interested in running campaigns even international. You can also about cycling and the plight of Syrian see the effect your feedback Whether you want to highlight an students. Examples of campaigns run and campaigns have made to international political situation to students, by students in other Unions include a date at imperialcollegeunion.org/ or campaign for better exam feedback in S.H.A.G. week, Disability Awareness you-said-we-did. your department; then the Union is here weeks and National Student Mental

NSS - get your responses in

1. Rate your entire degree, not your ﬁnal year. The NSS is very different to SOLE. Use SOLE to discuss the positives and negatives of your year and NSS for the positives and negatives of your whole degree.

2. Don’t be neutral. On many questions you will these options: strongly agree, slightly agree, The National Student Survey gives each university and course offers. neutral, slightly disagree, strongly final years the chance to show their disagree. Neutral responses give us no satisfaction to the general public on the The NSS also raises important issues indication as to whether things need Doug Hunt education they have received here at that College and the Union can respond improving or are going very well. Make DEPUTY PRESIDENT (EDUCATION) Imperial. to. Every year the Union publishes a your voice count. [email protected] response to the NSS with the aim of Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: The College’s overall response rate improving the student experience across 3. Give detailed comments on open text imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs was 28% on Wednesday and each the whole College. boxes. subject will need 50% for the data to There are free-text boxes on the survey. be published. If this isn’t the case, your Last year, 71% of final years filled in Be as detailed as possible if you want to subject will disappear from national the NSS and we are hoping to beat make an impact. league tables = massive implications!! this percentage to give a more fully representative view of how satisfied So if you are a final year, fill in the survey Remember to be honest when you are Imperial’s students are. To help make now at www.thestudentsurvey.com. filling it in, as prospective students and the survey as useful as possible we You can also win a £20 Union Shop other interested parties will be using this have a few tips to those who have yet to voucher or a Summer Ball ticket for data to compare the quality of education complete it: completing the survey! imperialcollegeunion.org 18 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Science Editors: Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett SCIENCE [email protected] Turning the heat back on? Shiladitya Ghosh guides you through a novel way to manipulate heat http://www.hsmagazine.net

researcher at the Mas- atomic separation needed for this hy- sachusetts Institute of personic heat. Furthermore, the fre- Technology (MIT) has, quency range was narrowed through through his self-devised the creation of thin fi lms on the edges Atechnique, managed of the material, utilising optical prin- to successfully exercise control over ciples to ‘concentrate’ the frequencies heat the same way we enjoy control of the phonons. Not nearly as simple. over light through mirrors and lenses As a result, about 40% of the total (most disappointingly falling short fl ow of heat is not only streamlined to of developing a giant heat ray, for a range of several hundred gigahertz the time being). Th is new technique, (considerably closer to kilohertz than which utilises semiconducting alloy terahertz was!), but also focussed to crystal nanostructures and similar travel in one general direction, simi- materials, manipulates the physical lar to the fl ow of photons in lasers. separation between atoms so that Th at is defi nitely no mean feat! they correspond to the wavelengths With this end-product, the heat of heat phonons. phonons can be controlled in a vari- To elucidate how heat and sound ety of ways using analogs of sound- phonons are diff erent, Martin Mal- controlling phononic crystals that When he released the single dovan, the researcher in question, have already been developed. Some Nelly didn’t know hot to directs us to consider their associ- potential important applications control heat, but maybe ated frequencies: sound phonons are highlighted by Maldovan are the researchers at MIT do... on the order of kilohertz, while heat improvement of thermoelectric de- phonons vibrate in the terahertz fre- vices (which output electricity from quencies. Sounds simple enough. temperature gradients), and the de- In developing this technique, the velopment of thermal ‘diodes’ which, initial step was to manipulate the heat crucially, “could be useful in energy- phonons’ operational frequency so it effi cient buildings in hot and cold cli- would be reduced and similar to the mates” – now that’s defi nitely some- range of sound phonons, described thing I’d honestly appreciate and be as “hypersonic heat”. For this to be very grateful for. sors and the like. Honestly though, I merely the fi rst breakthrough of this global warming. Or building that gi- possible, germanium nanoparticles Perhaps the fanciest application he can only foresee how something like nature in heat-manipulating materi- ant heat ray, of course. Just in case of a particular range of sizes were in- mentions is the creation of invisibility that can be misused in the future als; soon, we may well be channelling we get embroiled in Th e War of the tegrated with silicon alloys, with the cloaks for heat: for objects to become for non-peaceful purposes on inter- the excess heat in the atmosphere Worlds. resultant crystals having the desired perfectly undetectable by heat sen- national scales. Nonetheless, this is back out into space to counteract DOI: 10.1103/PhysRevLett.110.025902 Royal Institution may sell its Mayfair Home

Arianna Sorba Science Writer nancial turmoil. The true extent of the crisis was unknown to the gen- I think I heard a tenner from the eral public until last week, when it gentleman at the back of the room The Royal Institution in Mayfair was reported in The Times that the has been a centre for scientific re- charity had secretly put the May- search and communication for over fair site on the market for upwards two centuries. Previously the work- of £60, in an attempt to recoup its place of such scientific greats as mounting debts. Michael Faraday and George Por- The Institution has insisted that ter, the Ri now focuses on outreach, the selling of the building is just one running courses, book clubs, school of many options being considered, events, and the famous Christmas but nevertheless outrage and dis- Lectures, in their 18th cen- may have been expressed by some tury building. members of the scientific com- But an incredibly munity and the general public. badly timed £22m Twitter campaigns have sprung refurbishment back up to ‘save the Ri’, whilst physi- in 2008, combined cist Jim Al-Khalili has com- with years of mis- mented that ‘it seems crazy management, has that at a time when science and left the charity in fi- science communication is riding a wave of popularity not seen for generations, we hear that the very epitome of a British scientific institution is under threat.’ FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 19

Science Editors: Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] SCIENCE Quadruple DNA? Go home DNA, you’re drunk Philippa Skett thinks DNA are now causing a scene and need to be sent home in a taxi

he traditional double helix confi guration of every biologist’s favourite acid, Dude, I swear, that’s totally the DNA, is a common sight nerd gene right there Tin the media. It’s on textbook covers, in adverts and even in logos attempting to convey scientifi c superiority, but which are really play- Quadruple DNA ing on the naivety of the general public (anti-aging creams, I am looking at you). Th e dual swirl has been incredibly romanticised since its discovery by the biology big shots James Watson and Francis Crick, but new research is showing that this structure may not be all that DNA has up its molecular sleeve. ders do, if anything? Th ey have pre- ated with old age. Chemists at Cambridge University, viously been found in telomeres, the One idea is that G-quadruplexes where the classical double helix struc- end of the chromosomes that shorten may stop enzymes accessing the tel- ture was discovered almost 60 years with each cellular division. Telomeres omere after replication. Telomerase is ago to the day, have fi nally identifi ed are sort of like the genetic countdown one such enzyme – this replaces any the quadruple helix structure of DNA to death, and are part of the reason we DNA lost at the end of the chromo- in human cells. Th ese structures, aren’t immortal. As each cell divides, a some and almost reverses the genetic called the G-quadruplexes, form when little bit of each chromosome doesn’t countdown as the chromosomes no four guanines (one of the four chemi- make it to the next cell due to the en- longer shorten. With this in mind, in- cal groups that make up DNA) lie in zymatic limitations that allow cell di- hibition of telomerase could be seen a planar arrangement between four vision to occur. as detrimental to cellular longevity, al- strands of the DNA backbone. Telomeres are the cleaver little non- though too much of telomerase activ- Data published this week in Nature, coding genetic martyrs that sacrifi ce ity can also lead to cancerous growth. by the wonderfully named Dr Shankar themselves to ensure precious coding It may be therefore that the G-quad- Balasubramanian and his researchers DNA doesn’t disappear, as they short- ruplex acts a mediator between too shows how they have targeted fl uores- en instead. Th is shortening actually much or too little telomerase action, cent antibodies to the G-quadruplex leads to a limitation in life span – as and maintains healthy growth levels. what these quadruple helices actually over their draft structures at the Eagle and identifi ed them in genetic regions a telomere shortens to a certain point, Other functions are being discussed do. For now, it seems that Dr Shankar pub in Cambridge, we still have a long that have high proportions of guanine, cells may enter a state of “old age,” or too such as the role they have in con- Balasubramanian and his researchers way in understanding the more intri- making this the fi rst time these have die completely. When many cells do trolling gene expression, but such work is not over. Although we have cate details of the genetic code. been visualised in human tissue. this, it can lead to organ deterioration speculation is in need of some hard come a long way since Watson, Crick But what do these structural won- or cause many of the diseases associ- evidence to prove once and for all and their Cavendish chums poured DOI: 10.1038/nchem.1548 A treatment for women vulnerable to miscarriages?

Keir Little Science Writer this receptiveness. A recent investi- fect of these molecular signals in gation into the chemicals produced mice. Mouse uteri were treated with by endometrial cells has found that human endometrial secretions, which Researchers at Imperial College and a molecule called IL-33 is secreted increased the period during which the the University of Warwick have iden- during the receptive period, which mice could become pregnant while tifi ed molecular signals produced regulates infl ammatory and immune also increasing the likeliness of mis- by cells in the womb saying whether responses in nearby cells. carriage, supporting the theory that an embryo can implant there or not, Usually, this molecule is secreted the signals are responsible for multi- and suggest that drugs aff ecting these briefl y, allowing embryo implantation ple miscarriages in humans. signals could be used to treat women only during the correct time in the Further research into the IL-33 mol- vulnerable to miscarriages. menstrual cycle. However, the study ecule and drugs that block its action A fertilised embryo must embed it- found that in women who had suf- may lead to new treatments for wom- self in the uterus during a specifi c few fered several miscarriages, IL-33 is seen who have suff ered miscarriages. days in the menstrual cycle for proper creted for up to 10 days, showing the Th e researcher leading the study, Pro- development. Previously, it was un- endometrium is receptive even when fessor Jan Brosens of Warwick, said, clear how endometrial cells control it is not ready for embryo develop- “the molecular signals we identifi ed ma and heart disease. Our fi ndings for developing treatments that would the time during which they are recep- ment. are known to be involved in a range of suggest that targeting these molecules prevent miscarriages in women who tive to embryos, and how they signal Th e study also investigated the ef- diseases, including Alzheimer’s, asth- might also be a promising strategy are especially vulnerable.” 20 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected] But are you are scientist doe? A shoutout to all so-called ‘science lovers’: go hard or go home.

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1777 t’s happened: geek is chic, uring change in IQ and other tests of nerds are sexy, and everyone brain function in several users. It’s un- and their dog is ready to de- likely the journalist ever read the full bate with creationists. Like paper – they just wanted to show how IBrian Cox’s smiling, wistful much smarter they are than those silly, fface,a science itself is increasingly en- whimsical scientists by pointing out tteringe the public consciousness. Every how obvious their results are. hhaunt of internet culture – Reddit, With creationism as one of the most 44chan, your Facebook friends, etc. easily-falsifi ed religious beliefs, evo- – discusses and valiantly defends sci- lution has become the biggest poster ence against the evils of false belief. boy for science. Darwin’s travels, col- Kier Little Th ere’s a newer, more insidious evil lection of evidence and formulation of arising, though: the many people who a theory which has since been verifi ed claim to “fucking love” science with- and improved upon by fossil data is out the slightest clue of how science an almost perfect example of the sci- works. Th ese are not mere naïve spec- entifi c method in action. Evolution by tators interested in science – I have natural selection is GCSE-level sci- no qualms with them – but those who ence, but most people aren’t willing use their warped understanding of to learn even the basics – they just These peo- science to win arguments and further profess belief in evolution to signal their own misguided agendas. their atheism. Th is leads to people Now that scientists are cool, eve- laughably talking about how creatures ple don’t love ryone wants to be one. Much like a “choose to evolve,” but more danger- priest wears robes to signal his being ously to racist beliefs supported by part of the clergy, scientifi c beliefs crackpot theories about how humans science, in such as evolution, the benefi ts of nu- have “evolved” recently. clear power and even logical fallacies I love science so much that I’m fact they’re are held without understanding as a dedicating my life to it and getting means of signalling being part of the people interested in it, but subjec- “science” group. Th ey’re wearing lab- tive opinions seemingly backed up by damagingly coats, but without a science to do in logic and fact and the memorisation them. seen this said in response to peer-re- out to be wrong, and any real scien- of a few intelligent-sounding phrases “Correlation does not imply causa- viewed, fairly-tested and statistically tist will know that there’s great value are not science. Th e work that people anti-scientif- tion,” is a very useful phrase to scien- analysed studies. Th ese people don’t in accurately quantifying things which like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Brian tists, but one that’s become co-opted love science, in fact they’re damag- seem obvious. A recent article on Fox Cox do is great – increasing public ic. They just without the critical “does not imply” ingly anti-scientifi c. Th ey just love to News and Huff Po, “12 Obvious Sci- respect for and interest in science is clause in online arguments. All too of- sound smart. ence Findings of 2012,” lists the com- as important as actually explaining ten, any debate and discussion arising Th is is further shown in the wor- mon-sense “fact” that “smoking a lot the concepts. I’m not asking that all love to sound from the suggestion of a possible caus- rying meme of dismissing scientifi c of pot can make your mind fuzzy.” Th e non-scientists understand science, al link is shot down with “correlation fi ndings as being “obvious” – the paper, in fact, was a detailed cohort just that they stop pretending to, and “smart. is not causation!” said with the smug idea that something which is “com- study, showing that marijuana use stop wearing the attire of scientists in self-righteousness of someone who’s mon sense” doesn’t need to be tested. only causes irreversible brain damage order to win arguments on the inter- memorised a few fallacies. I’ve even Critically, common sense often turns if used regularly by under 18s, meas- net.

perial so their employer can trouser £60k of our money. I hope specifi c details later, but what I have to say is this: we will try to Online ICU makes sure they are prevented from doing so as there is no ensure any tool, tip or way of thinking we put forward is evidence equivalent resource for the No campaign. based and transparent. - Anonymous Scientifi c atheists, do not worry. Th is is a safe place for you. In response to “NUS: A Pottered History”, 11th January: - Sanderson Jones --- Good God man, nobody at Imperial cares! Don’t force a referen- --- dum on us just because you couldn’t think of anything better to In response to “Religion for Atheists”, 11th January: do with your time. In response to “Business School Set Exams in Breach of Col- - Anonymous Th anks very much for coming. I am so glad you liked it in the lege Rules”, 18th January main. We were delighted by the turn out and overwhelmed with Th is is pre-campaigning. the response. So many great things were said afterwards, with so The comment from Laura McConnell is clearly a cop-out, if In saying you’re calling a referendum on this issue, you’ve im- much help off ered. the exams managers in the BS did their job properly and fol- mediately” said you’re not going to express your opinions, and You totally hit the nail on the head when you said it is a work lowed up available space from other departments they would then you do. in progress. We went for this format because it was something easily find an appropriate room on Campus. I also under- And on admitting that you came across as a bellend at the con- with which everyone was familiar, and to save time. stand from my fellow students that at times the BS has con- ference, way to represent Imperial! We could have wasted years coming up with some totally new ducted its exams off campus during the day which is allowed - Anonymous thing that was just right. Or, we could start with the something under College rules. This really shows the lack of profession- that worked, then improve it every week, with feedback from the alism the BS show for their own students and of those for oth- Why shouldn’t the President have a view on NUS? congregation. er departments. Sad really considering the amount in fees us Shame that the vote will distract from the Sabb elections. Th e Yep. It’s a peer reviewed service. students pay. It’s about time the School put more emphasis on NUS is a bloated organisation staff ed by under occupied third Th e main thing that I have to answer is the whole ‘pseudo- the needs of it’s students. sector types, some of whom will be dispatched to campaign at Im- science’ and ‘self-help’ things you wrote about. I will go into the - Anonymous FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 21

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] COMMENT United States or Europe We need more, not less European integration. Much, much more.

ne of the most baffl ing things I’ve come across constantly when talking to British people is their Ouse of the word “Euro- pean” to mean “Beyond Th e Channel”, as if sharing strong political, historical, geographical, economic and cultural ties weren’t enough to make the UK part of the continent. Rule Britannia, God Save Th e Queen, and all of that, but isn’t Pietro Aronica it time to put the nostalgia for the 19th century away in favour of some common sense? I get it that you used to be an awesome nation. I still hear people boast that the British Empire covered a quarter of the world, and that you civilised (read: op- pressed) countless people around the globe, despite it being as much of a relic as your grandfather’s racism and anti- suff ragists, and equally relevant today. It’s understandable: Britain had a pretty sweet gig, calling all the shots for more We’re all the than a hundred years, and it’s good to be same really. part of the winning team; but we can’t cling to this faded past while the world has changed. We were all heartbroken there is an international political organi- fi fty years. People take it for granted Britain clings to its outdated and unfea- when Europe had to relinquish its sta- sation that has kept us together for the now, but Europe has never enjoyed this sible Splendid Isolation (Britain and all tus as continent of superpowers to the past half a century. unity and stability in its history. From the other countries. Th e UK, as bad as it USA and the USSR, but the truth is that Ah, the EU: a reviled bunch of corrupt the Middle Ages to WWII, being in Eu- is, is not the only obstacle on the way to it could not and cannot compete with bureaucrats busy determining the cor- rope meant that at some point during integration). Th e notion that a country After all, the them and it cannot exert the same kind rect curvature of the banana when they your lifetime you could be sent to war the size of the UK can still be a super- of infl uence – or, at least, it can’t while aren’t taxing and obstructing; or the seed or that your country would be at war. power or at least not be dependent on it stands divided, squabbling amongst of a more just state that will represent Maybe you’re an Austrian sent to con- someone else’s power is as prevalent as peoples of themselves. Europe on the global stage without get- quer Italy, or you’re a German fi ghting it is wrong: Britain has not been able to I believe in a strong, united European ting mired in squalid local diatribes, de- for your religion against the Swedes, or compete on the global scale, and will be Europe share state, a United States of Europe, if you pending on who you ask. It has its fl aws, you’re an Englishman trying to prevent able to do so even less if it abandons its will. Perhaps this is only a dream of of course, because trying to get govern- the French from conquering Spain, but only way to relevance short of becom- mine, but I have hopes that it will hap- ments so stubborn to agree on common the longwinded point is that European ing the 51st US state. And if you say that far more than pen one day. After all, the peoples of measures can lead to ineffi ciencies and nations fought a lot. It was pretty much the UK aims at being left alone and in- Europe share far more than most re- even injustices. Th e British public likes a given that confl icts would eventually dependent even at the cost of not being alise: the British like to concentrate on to rag on when the EU has problems in erupt over this or that issue: the history able to have a say on international mat- most realise the diff erences, like bidets and funny ac- trying to manage twenty-seven countries of the continent is one of near-perpetual ters, then I guess I haven’t learned much cents and the ability to see the sun more worth of economies, obstinate national- battle. Today, it would be unthinkable about the British. ... we have than three days a year, and yet we have ism and partisan politics, and yet it soils and impossible for any two EU member My motive for the United States of common cultural experiences that make itself with excitement if the Royal Family states to come to arms. Europe is one of brotherhood, unity all of us the same. Our governments, as much as farts, proving that the noblest Economically speaking, it has created and freedom. I want it because it makes common cul- despite small local variations, all work goals of the others merit mockery if they prosperity and wealth and it has made sense, economically, culturally, histori- in the same way; we grew up in similar come with eff ort and diffi culties, but your the Euro, an experiment that is bring- cally, but if I can’t convince you, then environments, going to similar school nation’s idiosyncrasies are important and ing Europe closer and assuring that we perhaps I can bribe you: if the EU were tural experi- systems, watching similar TV pro- cherished traditions. Because that’s what grow together. Like it is possible with all one, united country, it would be the grams; our calendars are largely identi- the European Union is: a noble goal, the experiments, not everything has gone largest economy in the world by a vast “ences that cal; the goods we buy and the foods we ideal that people that share so much can perfectly, but the advantages outweigh margin; it would represent more than eat come from the same tradition. Now cooperate to do great things instead of the disadvantages, and the negatives are 500 million people; it would be able to that we have the internet, we can be ever fi ghting for crumbs amongst themselves. reasons to better the system and make exert more infl uence than any other and make all of us more alike. Sure, there will be discrep- Th ere was a lot of grumbling when the it more just. it would be able to push international ancies here and there, but people across EU got the Nobel Peace Prize, as many It is still more of a supranational or- agendas, from climate change to social the continent will be able to strongly re- claimed that it hadn’t done anything ganisation with limited power rather equality, that no country on its own the same. late to one another because we have all to deserve it; you know, as if it hadn’t than an actual political entity, but things could hope to achieve: wouldn’t you live similar sorts of life. And, of course, guaranteed the lack of war of more than can change. Th ey won’t, however, if want to be a part of that?

Email: [email protected] Write for Twitter Follow us @FelixComment Comment” Facebook Like us facebook.com/FelixComment 22 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected] What would Jesus do? For nonbelievers to properly engage wth Christians, they must learn about the life of Jesus, says Tom Ravalde

et the dialogue begin.’ ‘ Jesus is So began Rory Fenton’s your buddy thoughtful piece last week (‘Faitheism: the impor- Ltance of dialogue’) – encouraging the religious and irreligious alike to ‘look for the common ground’ and ‘work together’ against extremism for a better society. As a Christian, I welcome this engagement from the (so called) ‘faitheists’ – it’s certainly Tom Ravalde a refreshing change from the hostile rhetoric spouted by Dawkins et al. Th e purpose of this response is to suggest that we need to broaden the horizons of much of our atheist-be- liever-interfaith dialogue, in order to have a meaningful discussion. What do I mean by that? My worry is that the ‘dialogue’ is always on the terms of the faitheist. Th e faitheist (under- standably) defi nes the world’s problems as they see them, and then wants to work with religion to oppose them. But what if we view the world’s situation in very diff erent ways? Solutions require a correct understanding of the brought to Jesus – a man who in First your mat and go home.’ ing questions about where the heart problem (ever misread an exam ques- Century Israel would have had very Th us, any honest dialogue with of humanity’s problem really lies. Let’s be bold tion…?!) Th e Christian world-view limited prospects. At this point, the Christianity must conclude that Jesus Let’s dare to allow the possibility that has a far deeper explanation of the evil faitheist would call on people of all off ers a solution in an altogether dif- the solution lies outside of our own we experience than faitheism allows. religions and none to work together ferent category than that off ered by abilities, and is found in a supernatu- enough to Th e hatred and bigotry described in to improve this man’s well-being and human endeavour, meeting a more ral Saviour. Only then can all wrongs last week’s article is undoubtedly rep- life-chances. Shockingly, Jesus sees a fundamental need than that which truly be righted. If you think that dia- rehensible, but it is a manifestation of need greater than just the physical – concerns most of us. Whilst conver- logue surrounding these huge ques- take discus- a more fundamental predicament – a saying, ‘My friend, your sins are for- sation remains restricted to faitheist tions important, then why not engage world that’s turned its back on its lov- given’! Jesus tells us our biggest prob- presuppositions, one could be for- with the Christian Union? Friendly sion to the ing Creator – this is (broadly) what lem is to stand unforgiven before God. given for thinking that all this talk of dialogue is at the forefront of their Christians mean by ‘sin’. His same words also tell us something ‘dialogue’ and ‘listening’ is merely a agenda. Starting next Monday, they Allow me to illustrate what I’m say- staggering about himself. Th e reli- pretence. Could it be that faitheism are hosting ‘What if …’ – a week for ‘uncommon ing with an incident from the life of gious leaders are outraged – they con- elevates itself above religion, and uses anyone to explore the life and claims Jesus Christ – surely any meaning- sider Jesus a blasphemer: ‘Who can it for its own ends? of Jesus, and ask any questions (www. ful conversation between atheist and forgive sins but God alone?’ But Jesus So what form should ‘dialogue’ take? iccu.co.uk/qr). We’d love to see you ground’ Christian must try to understand him? is ready to prove his identity by heal- Let’s be bold enough to take discus- there. “ In Luke’s Gospel, a paralysed man is ing the man: ‘I tell you, get up, take sion to the ‘uncommon ground’, ask- Let the dialogue continue. Read this and more on this ‘internet’ thing felixonline.co.uk

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Summer Serve and Learn 2013:

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While you’re there, take the Felix Drugs Survey felixonline.co.uk/sexsurvey felixonline.co.uk/drugs 26 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango FOOD Mavrocostanti [email protected] This is not just a cheesecake! This is a Yiango Mavrocostanti cheesecake...

ooking. Some of you mum for the recipe of that special for others. might hate it. Maybe it food that was your favourite, make it All of the above are the reasons I is time you started see- and you will feel like being at home. was very excited when I received this ing cooking and food a Th at’s why food is important. It is recipe from Amy Lam, a second year Cbit diff erently? I believe probably the only thing that can bring chemical engineering student. She food is not just something you need to memories back! made this amazing cheesecake as a survive. It is much more than that as And of course, food is more en- surprise for the birthday of her friend. it creates memories and brings people joyable when it is shared with other How great is that? She devoted the together! people. So when you cook invite your time to make it and the results show Remember the smell of your favour- friends too. Is there a better gift you that all the care and eff ort she put into ite food your mum used to make for can give to your friends than cook- it paid off . Needless to say that her you when you were a kid? Or how ex- ing for them (except maybe some nice friends were more than thrilled. cited you were about your huge birth- French liqueur…)? I don’t think so. So, this is the recipe. Try it and make day cake? Or the cookies you used to Cooking requires eff ort and that’s why something your friends will always re- eat at your friend’s house? Ask your I appreciate people who would cook member. And if it is not their birthday, just fi nd another reason to celebrate! Baked vanilla cheesecake with blueberries and chocolate flakes

Ingredients: gestive biscuits, and mix it with 50g of Recently cooked 10 digestive biscuits melted butter. Press into a 20cm spring- 50g butter (melted) form tin and bake for 8 minutes, then something for 600g cream cheese cool. Beat the rest of the ingredients ex- 2tbsp plain fl our cept the blueberries and dark chocolate your friends? 175g caster sugar until light and fl uff y. Put the blueberries Vanilla extract on top of the biscuit base and pour the 2 eggs, plus 1 yolk mixture into the tin. Bake for 40 min- We would really like to 142ml sour cream utes and then check, it should be set but see it! Handful of blueberries slightly wobbly in the centre. Leave in 25g of dark chocolate the tin to cool and put in the fridge. Cut Just send us an email with the recipe the chocolate into small shavings and and photos to food.felix@imperial. Procedure: sprinkle on top of the cheesecake. (Taken and modified from the BBC ac.uk and you will have the chance to see your food in Felix! Preheat the oven to 180°C. Crush 10 di- goodfood website) Not a fan of cheesecake? Try this amazing lava cake

Yiango Mavrocostanti Food Editor Procedure: Preheat your oven at 180 degrees. Place parchment paper in 6 ramekins It really is simple, cheap and abso- and lightly grease them. lutely divine. It will take you about 10 In a bowl mix the almond milk, the minutes to make and it only needs 15 oil, the vinegar and the vanilla seeds. minutes in the oven. So, in less than Set aside and leave for about 15 min- 30 minutes and with minimum eff ort utes or until it curdles. you can also have this amazing des- In a separate bowl sift the fl our, cocoa sert. and soda. Add the sugar and mix well. You will need 6 ramekins. Add the wet ingredients to the dry mixture and mix until just combined. Ingredients: Be very careful not to overmix as this 1 1/2 cups all purpose fl our will develop the gluten in the fl our and 1/3 cup good quality cocoa your cakes will not be light and fl uff y. 1/2 cup sugar Fill 1/3 of the ramekins with the mix- 1/2 cup brown sugar ture and then add a tbsp of chocholate 1/3 cup sunfl ower oil chips in each one of them. Th en put the 1 cup (preferably almond) milk rest of the mixture on top so that the Seeds of 1 vanilla pod ramekins are 2/3 full. 2 tbsp vinegar Bake for about 12-15 minutes. Once 1 tsp baking soda baked, remove from the oven and serve 1/2 cup chocolate chips the lava cakes hot. Th ey are great with 6 ramekins hazelnut ice-cream! Enjoy!

th th 11 -18 Feb Register at: www.stoictv.com Registration Deadline: by 8th Feb Final films reviewed by a panel of distinguished judges Gala Awards evening: 23rd Feb Awards include: Best Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Performance, and BEST PICTURE

28 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas ARTS [email protected] Taking the carapace Lily Le metamorphoses at the Lyric

regor Samsa is late for work one day. Eve- ryone is extremely concerned, includ- Ging his boss who pays him a personal visit for a personal reprimand. Instead of opening the bedroom door to find Gregor, his family and boss are surprised and subsequently disgusted by the huge beetle-like creature which has replaced him. Books with obvious metaphors are sometimes some of the most difficult to interpret, a personal opinion extending to Kafka’s Meta- morphosis. It is always interesting to see how such works are translat- ed to the stage and it is great when they contribute to personal understanding of the literary classics. With this in mind I was excited to Why work? Instead, doodle all lecture long and then send us your drawings see a limited run of the ‘Smash Hit’ to [email protected]. This doodle is Umar Hossain’s attempt to dragon production at the Lyric Theatre. himself through another maths lecture. The obvious question that anticipated any viewer was how the Ungeziefer is depicted, and it was probably inevitable that a man in a huge bug costume clambering around on stage would have been a bit too tacky. Opting for a salesman clambering around on stage slightly detracted from the mystery of what he has transformed into, contributing to the interpretation that he has not physically transformed at all. The music (Nick Cave and Warren Manet: Portraying Life @ Royal Academy – An exhibition of impressive breadth, Ellis) was also a definite highlight, Manet at the RA is well worth the ticket price. You could spend an entire morn- and was more noticeable compared ing there, in the company of 19th Century Parisian society, and in this way put off to many other plays. However, this inevitable library time for a few more hours. £10 for students. 26 January - 4 April. could have merely been a positive compared to the quality of direction Mariko Mori: Rebirth @ Royal Academy – A mesmerising and hypnotising exhi- (David Orr and Gisli Orn Garoars- bition that provides a somewhat sci-fi experience. I would imagine that an alien son) and acting which was embar- religion would lead to the same sort of other-wordly calm that Mori’s art provides. rassingly pantomime-esque. Her drawings are very pretty, if a bit pink. £7 for student. Now - 17 February. Of course, acting on a stage requires large gestures, exaggerated Work in progress show @ The Royal College of Art – Students from the RCA School speech, and audience-directed ac- of Communication will display their work just down the road from Imperial Col- tion. In this production however lege. This is the show for you if you want to find out what ‘information experience the cast’s performance was so in- design’ is all about. Animators also showing. Now - 27 January tense that it made the play difficult to believe or meaningfully identify Gangnam Style and acid day at Gerard Byrne: A state of neutral pleasure @ Whitechapel Gallery – Byrne’s video with in any kind of realistic manner. the office considered a success art recreates specific historic moments and conversations, in such a way that the Perhaps this was an attempt to public is able to interact with history in a way that is especially unusual. Three of capture the strangeness of Kafka’s his works are on display, on a rolling programme. Entry free. Now - 8 March. world. There was no direct mention of any bug or transformation, this could have been a way of reminding the audience of the surreal event by distancing the play from reality. tain its intended effect. It was not us to see Gregor’s behaviour as his This definitely seemed the case as enjoyable. family grew increasingly ashamed the play opened with unnecessary For certain scenes though, such and separated from him. The rela- and annoying dramatic poses dur- as Grete’s freakout and Gregor’s tively small stage prevented the ing the Samsa family’s breakfast at death, the comic relief interspersed overuse of a single setting becom- the table. throughout the darker and more ing boring and negated the need for However, as the play progressed, distressing events, was entertain- messy changes between scene. such a defence for over-exaggerat- ing. ed acting seemed too far-fetched, Overall Metamorphosis was well Metamorphosis is on at the Lyric and if this effect was a purposeful produced. The open plan family Hammersmith. Tickets from £12.50. by-product, it did not manage to at- house was a clever way of allowing Until 9th February. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 29

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas [email protected] ARTS Billie Piper and Dr. Who James Lily Le Writer sympathise with. After building up such a strongly positive opinion of her, digesting her Science and art rarely seem to collabo- controversial opinions on the delicate rate in popular culture (and we are not topic that is depression was particu- talking about science fi ction here). It is larly entertaining. a shame, because science is inherently To her, depression is not a disease. intriguing without requiring the em- Mildly depressed people have a more bellishment of artistic and creative in- realistic view of the world, and are put. So, when they are combined, they only aff ected because they are freed are a strong force of entertainment. of the delusions which keep healthy Th e Eff ect is a play that brings to- individuals happy. Drugs cannot treat gether Connie and Tristan (Billie Pip- depression because the underlying er and Jonjo O’Neill) during a trial to “chemical imbalance” causing it has understand the eff ects of a new dopa- not been elucidated. Th e general pub- mine-based treatment for depression lic is not suffi ciently educated on what on healthy adults. Th ey are under the little understanding has been gleaned supervision of Dr James (Anastasia from research. Drug companies ex- Hille) who is battling against a de- ploit the relative ignorance of suff er- pression, triggered by the immorality ers by off ering drugs which inevitably of both her present situation and her cannot treat their depression. Th e idea past history with ex-partner, Toby of administering drugs for depression (Tom Goodman-Hill. Th is is the man is as ridiculous to Dr James as the no- who has developed the drugs that are tion of the four humours. being used in the trial that she is over- It was controversial because these seeing. were the opinions of a “professional”, Th e strong cast was well suited to which led to the audience ponder- the staging at the intimate Cottlesloe ing over how relevant they are to the Th eatre, the audience entirely sur- thoughts of actual professionals on rounding the action and looking down the same topic. upon the actors, who had no room for It is interesting to note that such an errors. In any case, they did not com- opinion, and many other aspects of the mit any. Even Tristan’s tap dance in an play are a freeze frame on the current eff ort to woo Connie was perfect. attitudes, social and medical, towards What was more impressive, though, depression. More than most contem- was how thought-provoking the play porary plays, Th e Eff ect highlights a was. As the participants begin falling topic of great signifi cance to our so- for each other, Connie begins to ques- ciety today. By exploring depression, tion the love she feels for Tristan. Dr Prebble explores its refl ection of soci- James begins to question the ability ety. Whereas in a lot of contemporary of the drug, and both begin to ques- writing the present is conveyed via the tion the signifi cance of the increased past, or modern societal values are levels of dopamine in the participants’ explored in very obvious ways, Preb- systems. ble’s Th e Eff ect is defi nitely something Speculation is rife: which is the unique. cause and which is the eff ect? For It was disappointing that the love Connie, does it even matter? aspect of the storyline did not seem When Tristan ends up with tran- to be as carefully considered. It was sient global amnesia, he is no longer only a matter of days before the lead the same man Connie fell for, and, al- characters “fell in love”, which seemed though she still loves him, she begins a little too Hollywood. Although I had to question what the basis of a human no qualms with the idea that such identity is. characters felt strong infatuation, Although this was a slightly obvious their process of falling in love was in- tack to take, the writing (Lucy Preb- credibly unbelievable and annoyingly ble) was easily the highlight of this unoriginal. play, even more than so than the high Furthermore, if Connie is a student quality acting and directing (Rupert who lives in a “shit hole”, how does she Goold). have the capacity to bring home and Especially intriguing was the char- support another adult with amnesia acter of Dr James. Her kind and genu- due to last an indefi nite amount of inely caring and open time? nature towards Aside from the few Tristan and Con- blips, if anything (for nie, doing eve- science students es- rything she pecially) it is defi - could to re- nitely worth going Wait... you’re not assure them along for the “psy- Christopher Eccleston as well as chology is not a taking re- real science” jokes. sponsibility for Tristan’s The Effect is on at the Na- amnesia, made tional Theatre. Tickets from her very easy to £12. Until 23rd February. 30 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski BOOKS [email protected] Our pick of 2013 Maciej Matuszewski recommends ﬁ ve great upcoming SF books

Th e Ocean at the End of the Lane Th e Unreal and the Real Th e Republic of Th ieves Dead Ever After Th e Human Division Neil Gaiman Ursula K. Le Guin Scott Lynch Charlaine Harris John Scalzi Released June 18 Released January 3 Released July 13 Released May 7 Released May 14

After eight long years genre favourite Th ere are few SF authors who could Th e long awaited third novel in Lynch’s Th e fi nal novel of the Sookie Stack- Acclaimed author and Science Fiction Neil Gaiman is fi nally set to return to claim to be most infl uential than Gentleman Bastard series. Lynch is house fi nally hits the shelves. While Writers of America President John adult fi ction with Th e Ocean at the Ursula Le Guin. Including both rightfully acclaimed for having created the series could never claim to be Scalzi returns to his Old Man’s War End of the Lane. Gaiman has been acknowledged classics, like the award an intricate and unique fantastical set- intellectually satisfying it has always universe with an experimental ‘epi- relatively quiet about this book but, as winning Th e Ones Who Walk Away ting heavily infl uences by Renaissance been good fun as a guilty pleasure and sodic’ novel. Each chapter is partially with his previous work, you should ex- from Omelas as well as less known Italy. While the previous novel was let this book looks set to be a fi tting con- stand-alone and will be released in- pect a well written and deeply atmos- works, this two volume set is great for down by poor characterisation it was clusion. With the sixth season of True dividually in the months prior to the pheric gothic tale. Gaiman has won both fans and Le Guin novices. Each still one of the best 2007 fantasies. Th e Blood, the hit TV show based on the full book’s release date. Having been more awards than I have space to list story beautifully displays Le Guin’s perfect opportunity to get your epic series, set to begin in June this is the favourably compared to the works of and, in my opinion, has never written skills, both in characterisation and fantasy fi x – at least until the latest perfect opportunity to catch up with Richard Heinlein and John Campbell a bad novel so this book is a must. plotting as well as in writing style. Patrick Rothfuss novel is released. the books that started it all. this is certainly worth checking out. In the kingdom of the blind...

Maciej Matuszewski Books Editor confusion and try to adapt to the almost insurmountable obstacles that they face, only to witness the fabric I don’t read much modern literary fi c- of society to begin to collapse around tion so José Saramago’s Blindness is them. not something that I would usually Th e confusion inherent in univer- pick up. I am, however, always looking sal blindness is brilliantly expressed to expand my horizons and so, having by the style of the novel itself. Most heard good things about the book, I noticeable is the lack of any speech decided to give it a go. marks – with dialogue being integrat- Set at an unspecifi ed time in an ed with the rest of the text. Th e reader unspecifi ed country the novel begins is forced to concentrate to distinguish with an outbreak of a mysterious ill- between speakers, or even between ness that makes its victims blind. dialogue and narration. Th anks to a health minister more in- Furthermore, none of the characters competent than Andrew Lansley and are given names, instead being re- Jeremy Hunt combined the blindness ferred to by descriptions like “the doc- soon spreads throughout the country tor” or “the fi rst blind man”. Th is helps – plunging it into chaos. to add to the universal and timeless Th e novel, however, does not focus feel of the novel. Blindness presents a on the large-scale consequences of vivid portrait of both how important this disaster, instead choosing to stick our sense of sight is and how easily we with a small group of people. We see can begin to lose our humanity when them deal with their initial shock and faced with an impossible crisis. TLEG OO B friday 25 January KOKO POP 20:00 - 02:00 C M U S I free before 20:00 | £2.50 after If you like bootleg then you will love Koko Pop! Get involved and hear the best current bootleg music.

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Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter MUSIC [email protected] ¡Dos! ¡Uno! ¡Tres! Max Eggl reviews the second installment from Green Day

he aptly titled album ¡Dos! contrast between this album and the associated with Green Day, in fact the Armstrong’s a hap- is the second instalment other two of the trilogy, is the fact that song is not like their style. Th ey own less drunk. Th e song in the rapid-fi re trilogy ¡Dos! has 13 songs on it, instead of 12. the song though. Th e chords power is much more heavy- that Green Day now has Th is last song to be added is a stun- through you, and the lyrics “I’m too hearted compared to released. Th is album is ning song in homage to Amy Wine- tired to be bored. I’m too bored to be the usual Green Day T ¡Uno! a bit less clean than , playing to house, which I will discuss later. tired” and strangely (as well as sadly) fare. In fact the vibe is a garage rock style vibe. Armstrong Th e only single released from this seem to apply to my life. Th e whole so dark, that it aff ects went as far to describe this as a sec- album was ‘Stray Heart’. A great song, song is piercing and was my favourite the whole album, giv- ond Foxboro Hot Tubs album. If you which lives off the great bass and ad- song for quite a while. Th e next song ing it a darker tinge have heard of the Foxboro Hot Tubs, dictive lyrics, to say it simply, it’s a that really seemed to talk to me was than ¡Uno! or ¡Tre!. then you will know that they have a great piece of music. Sadly, Arm- ‘Nightlife’. It features Lady Cobra of Th e last song on ¡Dos! raw musical style, which can be quite strong’s trip to rehab due to substance the band Mystic Knights of the Co- that I would like to talk easily applied to ¡Dos! as well. In fact abuse cut short any kind of promo- bra. Among all the high-powered about is ‘Amy’. As men- one of the songs ‘F*** Time’ is actually tional tours or opportunities to bring guitar chord based tracks of the other tioned before, it is an originally a Foxboro Hot Tubs song. this single as well as the album to as pieces on the album, this song really homage to Amy Wine- ¡Dos! was released roughly a month many ears as possible. Th is may ex- does stand out. Musically, it’s slower, house, who passed after ¡Uno!, and one can clearly see plain the relative sparse airplay this with a James Bond-esque bass line/ away in 2011. It is the a link between the two. A fast paced song has received. guitar riff throughout the song, Lady most emotional and style, with strong power-chords and Just like the previous article on Cobra raps parts of her lyrics making sincere song of the whole trilogy. A out those two, the other songs also a lack of ballads are common traits to ¡Uno!, I will be dissecting the songs for an intriguing musical mix as well simple chord progression, that would fl ow nicely into each other, and would both albums. One can best describe that I feel that really defi ne this album as Armstrong’s vocals sounding as sound amazing unplugged, as well as make an good album on their own, if ¡Dos! by being the music when you are and give it its character. Th e fi rst song if they came through a faulty micro- really heartfelt lyrics make this song a bit repetitive. If the album would be in full fl ow of the party, while ¡Uno! that really struck me when I fi rst lis- phone, which adds to the aura of the an absolute masterpiece. It ends the only songs of that calibre, it would be a prepared you for the party. Th us it has tened to the album was ‘Lazy Bones’. piece. Th is combination makes for a trilogy on a sad note, and yet I could absolutely stunning album worth 5/5. a bit more bite than before. Another It starts off in a manner not usually very interesting song, which makes not imagine a better way to end ¡Dos!. However I found on the whole ¡Uno! listening to it a pleasure. Please look up the song on YouTube or to be stronger and more enjoyable to However the theme of the song is something, as I promise you it really listen to, while ¡Dos! is a bit weak on also totally diff erent from the album, will be worth your while. some songs. Th us I give this album AMS album of the week if not the whole trilogy. Th e lyrics ¡Dos! may be a garage rock album, a 4/5. Like in my last article, I would are peppered with words like “devil”, yet the addition of Nightlife and Amy encourage any Green Day fan (in fact, “blood” and “angel of death”. Th is re- add a little something special, and it even if you are a music fan) to buy this Dutch Uncles: Out of Touch in the Wild ally gives the impression of the char- is this special touch that makes this album, as there is enough good mate- acter of Lady Cobra being “evil”, and album worth listening to. Even with- rial on it to make it worth your while.

How many bands can say they have their own posh burger named after them? Dutch Uncles can, at least. The Godboy Burger Flexxin Out In The Wilds Of The Northern Quarter was created to hon- UTR: Helm and Tropa Macaca our the release of their third album, Out of Touch in the Wild. It’s a wonderfully constructed album, albeit short, as I found Ross Gray Music Editor Impossible Symmetry was a high- curates. From my single listen to this myself disappointed it had ended so early. light of the year, opened proceedings I was expecting a Roll Th e Dice style I really enjoy how Dutch Uncles manage to with his indefi nable noise-ambient- set up, with two boffi ns and a modu- take their eclectic influences and formu- Promoters and record label Upset drone crossover sounds. Th at’s about lar synthesizer. Instead we were met late them in such an unpretentious, easy to Th e Rhythm have really been having as much of a pigeon holing as I can by a guitarist with a minimal pedal- listen to way. There’s none of those dodgy interludes, nor those rubbish slow a good run so far this year, throw- really give it as this stuff has to be board alongside a keyboardist with songs you always skip. It’s a treat for the ears, with a lot of interesting per- ing the phenomenal Pete Swanson heard to be understood. Numerous two keyboards and a fair amount of cussion such as xylophones, vibraphones and marimbas adding to the jangly (of Yellow Swans) and Mark Fell (of sound sources were pushed through pedals. Opinion was split on their pop vibe. SND) event last Monday, and last (surprisingly few, I thought) pedals performance through our group: I ‘Pondage’ starts as a slow piano ballad-esque piece, until the familiar rhyth- night putting on a small show in Th e to produce soundscapes that var- felt it wasn’t quite what I expected mic guitars kick in. Almost as soon as it comes, though, the song finishes. I Sebright Arms for hot-topic Helm ied from rhythmic and somewhat – I really would have liked a denser never had Dutch Uncles down as being such teases! In comes ‘Bellio’, an ini- (on the hot-topic label PAN, which I danceable to light noise, with crush- soundscape – which somewhat re- tial favourite of mine on first listen. Some of the more heavy synth usage can only recently realised is the same la- ing drilling sounds that I particularly duced my opinion, whilst my fl atmate be heard on this song, with a driven grumbly rhythm section to compliment. bel that put out Sewer Election’s fan- appreciated. Th is was certainly my felt that they managed to successfully The album’s first single, ‘Fester’, was released in November, with an abso- tastic Vidöppna Sår in 2010) and the highlight of the evening and any- incorporate a huge range of infl uenc- lutely wonderful video made by director and photographer Isaac Eastgate, obscure Portuguese synth and guitar one interested in current experi- es (ranging from Black Dice to free who has also produced excellent videos for Django Django and Egyptian duo Tropa Macaca. mental music that doesn’t neatly jazz) to produce an unique sound. Hip Hop. I urge you to check them all out as they’re some of the best videos Th is was the fi rst time I had ven- fi t in boxes should really make Either way, it’s clear from the I’ve seen in ages. tured to Bethnal Green, and I must an eff ort to see Helm live (or fact that opinion was split that Out of Touch in the Wild is upbeat, and a real pleasure to listen to. Odd time say, Th e Sebright Arms seems to be a watch his live boiler room both of these artists are strong signatures reminiscent of progressive rock still remain, with ‘Threads’ sound- pretty cool venue. Th e large upstairs set I guess). live performers. I look for- ing heavily influenced by the likes of King Crimson and Japan. is sadly full of standard East Lon- Tropa Macaca were mas- ward to seeing Helm playing As far as the aesthetic of the album, something I particularly enjoyed was don hipster types, but after winding sively diff erent to what I live around his native Lon- the intriguing song names. All a bit weird and only one, two, three syllables through some small staircases and had expected from the one don and am interested in how long, but they reflect the unity and flow of the album as a whole. tight corridors you come to a tiny incredibly lo-fi recording I Tropa Macaca’s sound dingy basement with a barely raised had heard: Ectoplasma, re- will develop as they get Yasmin Malik stage; just the way I like it. leased on Software, the la- older and more expo- Helm, whose fantastic 2012 album bel Oneohtrix Point Never sure. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 33

Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter [email protected] MUSIC Fear in a Handful of Dust Riaz Agahi reviews Hacker Farm’s new album, UHF

here is a scene in Fitzger- many other merchants of a dystopian when solved, reveal a QR code lead- ald’s novel Th e Great sound, this leads them to new and ing to downloadable content. Th is Gatsby, where he de- inventive ideas of music production. approach extends to their music, scribes a valley of ashes, While some may say there’s no where the sounds are made from Ta wasteland in subur- such thing as an original idea, it ap- largely discarded materials, such as ban New York, full of dirt, decay, pears to me that Hacker Farm are housing speakers in a variety of unu- ash, and poverty. If such a place doing something truly revolutionary. sual places, from a bird-house to a had a soundtrack, it would prob- Th e Hacker Farm collective operates milk churn, giving them a range of ably be Hacker Farm. Such is the out of a farm near Yeovil, but as al- frequencies. In a way, it’s like a more intimidating, disconcerting nature luded to before, doesn’t quite of- fully realised Holy Fuck, but they tru- of the soundscapes of this year’s al- fer the serenity some associate with ly stand for something. bum, UHF. Perhaps as a result of country life, but rather the poverty Behind the dystopian disgust, there this comparison, I can’t help but feel and dissatisfaction that brews there. is a very real and positive message to that there is something very mod- My personal highlights include the reuse and recycle rather than simply ernist about the atmosphere their aforementioned moments, along replacing. Th eir music serves as a music creates. Th eir sound is a mix with a most depraved bassline on warning to the consumerist society of the very darkest elements of elec- ‘Konrad’ and the foreboding rum- we currently live in. While the main- tronica (see the broken down beat of ble that slowly builds up in ‘Engine stream of music focuses on creat- ‘Grinch’), noise and maybe a dash of Room’. ing more disposable, artifi cial, more industrial. Unlike the valley of ashes, Th eir musical ideals revolve slickly produced and unimaginative this dystopian mix provides the cul- around stepping away from the mod- hits, it’s nice to know that Hacker tural backdrop of modern Britain, ern world of computer production Farm’s latest eff ort, along with per- self-styled ‘Broken Music for a Bro- and laptop sets to create something haps Prinzhorn Dance School’s ken Britain’. ‘One, Six, Nein’ is one truly cutting edge. Th ey attempt to Clay Class, may be one of the few al- the recession. Hacker Farm seem to on society’s bloated commercialism, example, with an almost punk-like return music to the physical world, bums which truly give future genera- take it a step further though, off ering using equipment most of the target dissatisfaction with society refl ected which is demonstrated by, for exam- tions a look into the despair, uncer- a directive to their listeners. Since audience view as rubbish, it’s hard to in a sample. Unlike some punk and ple, giving out Rubick’s cubes which, tainty and turmoil of Britain during this is a truly excellent sonic assault really argue with them. A Doomy Night With Katatonia and Alcest

Jemma Pilcher Writer

Following the release of their sumptu- ous ninth album, Dead End Kings, the Swedish doom metal quintet Katatonia returned to London, for another evening of great music and melancholia. Th is time they were accompanied by the French shoe-gazing concept band Alcest and an American rock band, called Junius. As a fan of both Katato- nia and Alcest my expectations for this show were high and, of course, I defi - nitely was not disappointed. I was rather impressed by Junius; their sound was intellectual, emotional and as described by Rolling Stone as “a perfect hybrid of Neurosis and Th e Alcest never fail to create an atmos- bum, but this will feature the stunning their back catalogue. And, of course, no Anders Nyström and Per Eriksson, run- Smiths.” What could be a more ap- phere of pure calmness and tranquillity, voice of Billie Lindahl, of Swedish band Katatonia set would be complete with- ning around manically. Unfortunately, propriate choice to set the dispirited which could be felt as soon as they start- Promise And Th e Monster, who I also out those predictable classics ‘My Twin’ Jonas was not blessed with charisma. I tone of the evening? Th eir music had ed playing the enchanting song ‘Autre highly recommend. and ‘July’. For me, the highlight of the would love to see him interacting with power and was easy to listen to, but Temps’. I was disappointed at how short Finally, Katatonia took to the stage, setlist was ‘Omerta’ from Viva Empti- the audience more, instead of shyly hid- I felt their songs lacked variety; each their set was, but at least this was made opening with ‘Th e Parting’ from Dead ness. Th is song is made beautiful by its ing behind his limp, black hair. one remaining too faithful to the same up for by the setlist, which was mainly End Kings. Th is chilling song was per- simplicity, but the lyrics are weighted by It seems like a rare experience to ‘slow and bleak’ formula. Having said composed of songs from their most fectly complemented by the icy-white a sense of foreboding darkness, as the enjoy the entire line-up of a gig; I’ve this, I thought that ‘Betray Th e Grave’ recent album Les Voyages De L’Âme. backdrop, adorned with fl ocks of black omerta has been broken. Th e song sud- become so used to being subjected to was a great song (and it has a stunning Th is glorious masterpiece, released birds taken from the album artwork. I denly ends to depict an untimely death. terrible support acts. From start to fi n- music video). Unfortunately, Joseph in January 2012, is the most concept was surprised at how many songs from Jonas Renkse’s voice sounded as ish, however, this show was incredible. Martinez’s vocals lacked clarity as they abiding-off ering out of all their albums; this new album they played, yet from strong and clear live as it does on re- It was such a privilege to witness three were being overwhelmed by the guitars portraying the ‘fairy land’ of the warped what I could tell, that was a great deci- cord, which is impressive considering great bands, who have the ability to and drums (a problem also experienced childhood memories of vocalist, Neige. sion, as it seemed to be well-received by that he has suff ered from severe vocal move an audience with their beautiful later by Alcest). I am delighted to discover that not only the crowd. Along with their new work, issues in the past. Th e music was tight music. And now I’m very intrigued and Next up were the dreamy Frenchmen. are Alcest working on their fourth al- they performed a varied selection from and it’s always great to see guitarists, excited to see what they do next! 34 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Television Editor: Lucia Podhorska TELEVISION [email protected] A Damn Fine Cup of Coffee Edward Bals takes us back to the 90s with Twin Peaks

win Peaks manages to of Lynch’s Blue Velvet and Dune) do the almost impos- as FBI special agent Dale Cooper sible; mixing sex, vio- who is called in to investigate the lence, mystery and even death of Laura Palmer. MacLachlan Tthe odd dosage of the manages to walk the knife edge of A deep vein of surrealism supernatural into a heady whirl- straight faced acting even whilst wind that is sure to draw you in to exploring some of Cooper’s odder its strange world. The series itself character quirks. Cooper’s inherent is from the early ‘90s and has been oddness is best displayed by his ex- recommended to me time and time planation of coming by a new crime again by my family and other people solving technique, which also made of that same, shall we say, ‘mature’ him aware of the plight of the Tibet- age. an people. I did say that the show The show is set in a small town does become a bit surreal at times. close in North America called Twin The music is excellent as well, Peaks, opening with the discovery with its haunting themes and cool of the body of the local homecom- jazz perfectly complementing the ing queen, Laura Palmer. The ques- mood of the series. ‘Laura’s Theme’ tion of ‘who killed Laura Palmer?’ is suitably haunting and is used, re- becomes the driving force behind peatedly, to great effect throughout the story, slowly unravelling the the series, and the fact that this can fibre of the seemingly idyllic small be reused to evoke so many differ- town life. The show doesn’t play out ent feelings is a testament to the ge- as a straight up whodunit, but rath- nius of the composer of the music er as a sort of surreal soap opera, for the series, Angelo Badalamenti. with its fair share of love triangles Julee Cruise also deserves a men- and intersecting storylines. tion for her ethereal vocals, com- The idea for the series came from plementing Badalamenti’s music. the minds of David Lynch and Mark The show remains engaging Frost. Lynch was the mind behind throughout the whole first series films like Blue Velvet and Mulhol- with the most cliff-hanger filled land Drive, and in Twin Peaks his ending to a series that I have ever versions of the pilot episode and a The host of memorable charac- Interested in writing for surrealistic touch is apparent, with seen, and the second season, de- bundle of special features for all of ters, and the town of Twin Peaks Twin Peaks mixing this surreal- spite a small dip in quality during you people out there who have too itself, will stay with you for a long ism with small town American life. the middle, is generally very good, much time on their hands. ‘A Slice time even after the final credits roll The combination doesn’t necessar- with the last few episodes being es- of Lynch’ is one of the better of- and this is a testament to the power ily sound like it should work but it pecially noteworthy. ferings from the special features, of the series. Twin Peaks has earned makes for compelling watching. The best format in which to get bringing David Lynch together with its rightful place as one of my fa- Send your reviews to: The show also brings us the bril- the show is its Gold Box Edition, some of the main cast characters to vourite TV shows and I hope that [email protected] liant Kyle MacLachlan (former star which contains the two series, both reminisce about the series. soon it becomes one of yours. My Top 5 Episodes of the Week Welcome back to my weekly feature

Lucia Podhorska Television Editor between the characters and I’m happy of February but the fi rst episode was to see Callie and Arizona, as well as leaked and the second season looks 1. The Big Bang Theory, Season 6 Episode 13, “The Bakersfield Cristina and Owen being happy to- like it’s going to be just as good as, if Expedition” Th e end of January is fi nally approach- gether again. not better, than the fi rst one. Th e mu- ing, bringing with it two wonderful How I Met Your Mother has been sic and singing continue to be amaz- things: 1. exams are almost over and renewed for one more, fi nal, season – ing. 2. How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 14, “Ring Up!” 2. all of our favourite shows are back yay! Th ere is a light at the end of the Th e Big Bang Th eory takes the top with new episodes after the winter tunnel as we get ever closer to the big spot yet again. I know many people 3. Grey’s Anatomy, Season 9 Episode 11, “The End is the Begin- break! reveal. Th e latest episode sees Barney have tired of this show, but I still re- Grey’s Anatomy continues to be going through ‘one night stand with- ally enjoy it and the latest episode ning is the End” melodramatic and entertaining. I can drawal’ and Lily and Marshall looking was one of the best this season. It was always rely on the doctors from Seat- for ways to spice up their sex life after wonderful to see Penny, Bernadette 4. Smash, Season 2 Episode 1, “On Broadway” tle Grace Hospital to be annoying and the birth of their fi rst child. Overall it and Amy read comic books to under- endearing at the same time. Regular was a very enjoyable episode. stand why their boyfriends love them viewers of the show know that the ep- Smash is back – kind of. Th e actual so much. I can defi nitely relate to the 5. The New Normal, Season 1 Episode 12, “The Goldie Rush” isodes are driven by the relationships season premiere isn’t until the 6th heated discussion that follows. HOLY SHIT. THE CAT HAS THE CHEESEBURGER.

Well, it seems the internet is over. So you might as well write for Felix.

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Website Visit us felixonline.co.uk Twitter Follow us @feliximperial Facebook Like us facebook.com/FelixImperial 36 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM ﬁ [email protected] The greatest manhunt in history

Bin Laden? Bitch, please...

proof this pathetic ilk never even hunting down the leader of Al Qaeda who leads a lot of the enhanced inter- cheering her on. Zero Dark Thirty bothered to watch the fi lm, since starting all the way back in 2003. As rogations, whose techniques Maya Closing the fi lm is the 30-min- Obama is barely mentioned. Oh, and an initial freshman still coming to even learns and employs herself when ute long action footage, seen mostly Director: Kathryn Bigelow did you know that Bigelow is now a grips with active fi eldwork in Paki- times get tough. Dan also develops through the eyes of the Navy SEALs Screenwriter: Mark Boal strong advocate for torturing and stan, she isn’t the one in charge im- into something more interesting in themselves with their hi-tech visual Starring: Jessica Chastain, Jason abusing military captives? Th at Bi- mediately. But over the years and the second half of the fi lm, suiting up kit, carrying out a relatively stealthy Clarke, Jennifer Ehle, Kyle Chandler, gelow had to go so far as to pen an with thorough observation, she be- to work in Washington, closer to the assault on the compound. In an oper- Mark Strong, Joel Edgerton op-ed piece to defend herself and her comes convinced of a single lead that politics away from the frontline. But ation like this, there cannot be neat, excellent fi lm is beyond absurd. In she believes will lead straight back ultimately we see her isolated, with tidy camera angles or loud, big-scale fact one of the fi lm’s most distressing to bin Laden and his whereabouts. very little connection, if at all, to the shootings, which is exactly what is parts is its opening, in which a com- Of course, it sounds too good to be outside world, outside her offi ce, as done here, with hardly any use of a pletely blank, black screen is shown, true, very few people are talking, and she spends a decade looking for the music score, purely relying on what with a background audio feed of vari- very little support is shown from the world’s most wanted man. is shown on the screen, nothing less, John Park Film Editor ous victims of the 9/11 attack in 2001. higher-ups. But she intelligently and With someone like Chastain, who nothing more. Th is makes bin Laden the number diligently marches on, pulling out all has given so many versatile perfor- For a fi lm with an ending we all one target. the stops, gathering the appropriate mances over the last couple of years know well, and a lengthy, wordy pro- A lot of nonsense, completely base- Bigelow bravely opens with a series information, interrogating the long that one can only look forward to cess that comes before it, Bigelow has less controversy and accusations of scenes where a prisoner is beaten, list of suspects whilst also running what comes next for this amazingly managed to create an insanely sus- surround Kathryn Bigelow’s out- water-boarded, humiliated and quite into trouble of her own. gifted actress (up next is the Guiller- penseful piece of work with height- standing, heart-thumping epic of literally treated like a dog. Does this Th e 2005 7/7 London bombings mo del Toro-produced horror movie ened realism and her focus in all the a procedural, Zero Dark Th irty. Bi- promote torture? Of course not. If and footage from the attack have Mama), the fi lm fi nds itself a strong right places. Perhaps adding to the gelow has managed to condense ten anything, it strongly stands against her more frustrated than ever, she and confi dent leader, one who doesn’t fascination and interest is the actual years of complex, never-ending infor- it. Again, if the politicians and pun- survives the 2008 Islamabad Marri- let anyone undermine her steely con- detail of how everything unfolded, mation and events regarding the hunt dits had taken the time out of their ott Hotel bombing, she almost gets viction. “I’m the motherfucker that and the little strands here and there for Osama bin Laden into a mere precious schedules to actually see the gunned down by angry terrorists who found this place, sir,” she says point- that made all of this possible. So bin 150-minute running time, whilst fi lm, they would realise that. Plus the have made her their target, she loses blank to the Director of the CIA, a Laden was killed, but what were the keeping the pace healthy, suspense whole point of the sequence is that a close colleague in the 2009 Camp coldly delivered line. A U.S. Navy actual events that came before that? high, and realism intact. Instead the torture doesn’t lead to any substan- Chapman attack due to bogus intel- SEAL Team Leader (Joel Edgerton) And that is where Bigelow’s keen fi lm has generated, and continues to tial, usable information. Worn down ligence from an unreliable source, points to Maya, and cites “her confi - eye for specifi c facts becomes handy. storm up its ever-growing number of and beaten to within an inch of his but she perseveres. As the fi lm pro- dence” as the reason why he believes Zero Dark Th irty is as much about detractors and haters, most of whom life, Ammar (Reda Kateb) isn’t quite gresses, as it jumps from one year to that bin Laden is hiding out in a sub- bin Laden as it is about Maya, and the haven’t even seen the fi lm, criticising inclined to give up his answers, and the next, you see the impact these urban compound in Abbottabad, Pa- plot revolves around the one woman’s Bigelow’s portrayal of the use of tor- his physical and mental deterioration dead-ends are having on Maya. It is kistan. And by the time you reach the quest to bring down the villain. It’s ture sanctioned by the government doesn’t exactly help with the process. obvious to see that she is very much fi nale, you will have every bit of faith about the eff ect this manhunt has on to gather intelligence. Anti-Obama Uncomfortable in being a witness alone – sure she has co-workers, very in Maya, with Chastain well deserv- her, her moral compass, her world, politicians who supposedly have to such brutal methods but stern talented and reliable ones. Jennifer edly on her way to Oscar glory. “I’m and her relentless passion for doing nothing better to do than to attack in her overall approach to the most Ehle excels even in her relatively brief going to smoke everyone involved what she deems right. As for the neg- an innocent fi lm, accuses the narra- important investigation of her life is role as the vibrant Jessica genuinely in this op and then I’m going to kill ative attacks, one can only hope they tive of showing political bias towards Maya (Chastain), a CIA offi cer who concerned for Maya’s welfare, Jason Osama bin Laden” is another classic work as free publicity for the fi lm in the Obama administration. Further becomes the fi rst-hand operative in Clarke is the unfl inching, rugged Dan line of dialogue that will have you general. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 37

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles ﬁ [email protected] FILM No vampires or zombies in this one

It’s a story we all think we know so level of support for the Amendment ple, which provides one of the fi lm’s Lincoln well. Abraham Lincoln, the 16th should the War end before it is actu- fi nest scenes in which these two out- President of the United States, abol- ally passed. If there is a real chance standing actors have at it with their Director: Steven Spielberg ished slavery. Yay, he’s a hero and the War will end without this new built-up fi ery emotions. Screenwriters: Tony Kushner, Doris hurrah for Lincoln who remains an Amendment passing, a lot of people Spielberg reportedly spent almost Kearns Goodwin (book) American icon. But Steven Spielberg will just not bother. Th is puts Lincoln twelve years in preparation for this Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally is here to tell us that it wasn’t a simple in a precarious position of having to movie, and it shows in his meticulous Field, Tommy Lee Jones, David task by any means. Passing the 13th hold off on the peace talks as long as structure and authentic-looking sets, Strathairn, Hal Holbrook, Lee Pace, Amendment in the last few months possible, whilst getting a move on as well as the general atmosphere he Joseph Gordon-Levitt of his Presidency, Lincoln achieved a with gathering enough votes. places his actors into. Everywhere is milestone in American politics ban- Unafraid to voice their opposing appropriately dampened down with ning slavery outright – that’s the end views is the Democratic Party, led wooden furniture, smoke-fi lled and, result. But what came beforehand by Congressman Fernando Wood when required, in complete and ut- was a whole heap of ups and downs (Pace) who is vehemently against ter chaos, most notably in the House Film Editor that threatened its smooth course. these changes. End of slavery would of Representatives, where hot-headed John Park For international audiences not fa- inevitably lead to racial equality, and individuals mouth off and start at- miliar with the details and intrica- this is something even most mem- tacking one another. Th ere are plenty cies of the event, Lincoln can seem a bers in the United States House of of elaborate set decorations and de- daunting, information-heavy movie Representatives (all white) aren’t will- signs to marvel at, and the technical experience. But here is a fi lm so well ing to accept. So Lincoln must again achievements are extremely vast. crafted, cleverly written and bril- walk a fi ne line between pushing his Th ere are lots of facts to be relayed liantly acted that it forms as much as anti-slavery agenda whilst keeping it to the audience – everything needs to it entertains. Essentially this is a fi lm clearly separate from further racial ultimately make sense, and we must When will top where we see a lot of talking, between issues. Another hiccup here – a vocal understand why various characters hats come back in? important individuals behind closed supporter for the Amendment, Radi- are doing what, with what intentions. doors, but how Spielberg keeps every cal Republican Congressional leader And nothing could be made clearer in single minute of it all so fascinating is Th addeus Stevens (Jones), again quite Tony Kushner’s script. It is immedi- a real wonder. the infl uential man in the govern- ately clear that Lincoln had to go to One of the best, most deservingly ment, is a staunch supporter of racial great lengths to gain enough support, respected and admitted actors of our equality. If this Amendment has any perhaps venturing into places he may generation, Daniel Day-Lewis, steps chance of passing, Stevens needs to not have been most comfortable with. into the role of Lincoln. And it’s in keep a lid on his enthusiastic views, Heatedly arguing, smartly bribing, his cool, dignifi ed and surprisingly to not lose anyone already on board. calmly persuading, raising his voice witty interpretation of the character Having to win with a majority, it’s (although very rarely), he’s had to do that we are immediately drawn into not enough just to have the backing it all, and the many fragile complexi- the drama of his tumultuous months. of his own party. He needs to con- ties that could either make or break Delicately fi nding the balance be- vince the Democrats, and in order the ambitious plan are told to us in a tween the many diff erent aspects of to do so he needs to step into the very logical step-by-step manner that his role, his leadership position as rather dirty pool of politics – quietly all the dense material is told compe- the President of his nation, as well promising federal jobs to persuadable tently, whilst not confusing the hell as the more private, family-oriented Democrats for their votes. And so be- out of anyone. side as a husband and grieving fa- gins some intense lobbying, headed Th en there is the cast – the phe- ther, Day-Lewis once again shows by William N. Bilbo (James Spader) nomenal cast in roles both big and there is virtually no limit as to what and his fellow lobbyists Richard small who shine in every supporting he can achieve. His performance is a Schell (Tim Blake Nelson) and Robert part there is. Sally Field is typically deeply moving and aff ecting one, in Latham (John Hawkes). A lot of com- strong, sturdy and feisty, Tommy Lee his tight, rigid, tall frame, with his edy ensues here, as not all of their at- Jones has a lot of fun arguing his way soft-spoken, eloquent voice, drifting tempts are entirely successful. Who against his opposing party (both ac- from one scene to another, always says a two-and-a-half-hour-long po- tors thoroughly deserving their Best grounded, concentrating in his many litical drama can’t be funny? Supporting Oscar nominations) and thoughts, and yet remaining entirely And it’s not just the politics keep- Lee Pace provides the healthy op- accessible to everyone watching him. ing Lincoln busy: his family life is ponent. Another stand-out is David Politics has never been this excit- also given its share of meaty run- Strathairn, as Secretary of State Wil- ing or gripping, and courtroom-style ning time. His wife, Mary Todd (Sally liam H. Seward, a loyal friend and scenes have never been this over- Field), often suff ering from terrible trusted advisor to the President, who whelmingly fun to watch. Of course, migraines and still reeling from the stands by him as Lincoln faces one when Lincoln proposes this Amend- loss of their son, provides support of the toughest, most unpredictable ment, there is as much support as although she herself sometimes re- times of his Presidency. there is harsh criticism. Within his quires some hand-holding of her What an incredible feat Spielberg What do you own Republican Party, Lincoln man- own. More so when their eldest son, has accomplished here – it’s a fi lm mean the Library ages to secure enough support, mostly Robert Todd (Gordon-Levitt), upon that is both intelligent and wholly is closed on thanks to Francis Preston Blair (Hol- returning home from his studies at comprehensible, an utterly enjoyable Friday nights? brook), a highly infl uential member Harvard Law School, announces that experience from start to fi nish, based who can guarantee support from the he wants to join the fi ght in the Civil on the unlikeliest subject matter. conservative Republicans. Th e catch War. Abraham respects his grown with Blair is that he’s keen to start the son’s wishes, almost appearing un- peace talks between the Union and interested, whereas Mary Todd, at Don’t like this review? the Confederacy, hoping to end the the thought of losing another one of Civil War that is destroying Ameri- her children, cannot believe her hus- Write your own! ca. Peace is never a bad thing, espe- band’s shockingly relaxed response. cially when so many lives have been Already emotionally unstable, this fi [email protected] lost, but complicating matters is that pushes Mary over the edge, leading to Lincoln will no doubt lose a certain a heated argument between the cou- 38 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM ﬁ [email protected] Felix Film favouri

Amy Adams Sally Field Anne Hathaway Helen Hunt Jacki Weaver The Master Lincoln Les Misérables The Sessions Silver Linings Playbook

Previous winner? No Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? No Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? No Norma Rae (1979) As Good As It Gets (1997) Previous nominee? Yes Places in the Heart (1984) Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? Yes Junebug (2005) Rachel Getting Married (2008) Previous nominee? No Animal Kingdom (2010) Doubt (2008) Previous nominee? No The Fighter (2010) Why she will win: Why she will win: Why she will win: Why she will win: During the 2009 Academy She bared all, which is not a bad This Australian talent came Why she will win: It’s one heck of a performance Award ceremony, Shirley start when you’re trying to get to everyone’s attention Ever since she became a critics’ from one of the most MacLaine remarked that recognised during the awards portraying the terrifying favourite with Junebug, the accomplished, long-standing Hathaway will be in store season, but her performance matriarch of a Melbourne- actress who seemed only to actresses working today. for more nominations in the is a sensitive, compassionate based crime family. Here she be suited for the sweet and Known for her undying energy future, and that she had a and brave one, as a sex has a complete reversal: she’s adorable type has been forever and knack for heavy, dense wonderful singing voice. Four surrogate gently probing her now a nervously-spoken, expanding her range and with drama, it’s surprising to think years later, Hathaway fi nds way around a man confi ned kind-hearted, and concerned The Master comes the most that Field wasn’t in fact the fi rst herself once again up for an to an iron lung as he works to mother and wife, having radical change away from choice when it came to casting Oscar, in a singing role. Her lose his virginity. Balancing to deal with mental health her usual comfort zone, and the role. But after excessive heart-wrenching performance both the funny and serious conditions and the diffi cult it’s a convincing one, as she begging and numerous as Fantine singing ‘I Dreamed natures of her character, males in her family. plays the steely-eyed, quietly successful auditions, she a Dream’ blew everyone away Hunt, who has been away determined and ambitious fi nally got the role, and is quite and has been winning various from the screen for a while, Why she won’t win: wife of a cult/religious leader simply unforgettable in it. other awards left and right. gives a surprisingly restrained, Anne Hathaway. Also, the humble performance. 5th Best Supporting Actress Why she won’t win: Why she won’t win: Why she won’t win: category was a toss-up Anne Hathaway. Plus Adam’s Anne Hathaway. Even a two- Very little chance of an upset Why she won’t win: between Weaver and many role here isn’t signifi cant time Oscar winning veteran here – she better get her Anne Hathaway. And unluckily other actresses, and her slot enough to warrant signifi cant actress won’t be able to beat acceptance speech ready and for Hunt, the fi lm itself has here is considered the last, wins. the dream Hathaway dreamed. polished. very little support. weakest addition to the list. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 39

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles ﬁ [email protected] FILM ites for the Oscars

Alan Arkin Robert De Niro Philip Seymour Hoffman Tommy Lee Jones Christoph Waltz Argo Silver Linings Playbook The Master Lincoln Django Unchained

Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? Yes Little Miss Sunshine (2006) The Godfather: Part II (1974) Capote (2005) The Fugitive (1993) Inglourious Basterds (2009) Raging Bull (1980) Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? No The Russians Are Coming! The Previous nominee? Yes Charlie Wilson’s War (2007) JFK (1991) Russians Are Coming (1966) Taxi Driver (1976) Doubt (2008) In the Valley of Elah (2007) Why he will win: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter The Deer Hunter (1978) He has a knack for playing (1968) Awakenings (1990) Why he will win: Why he will win: hysterical anti-heroes and Cape Fear (1991) The Master was a big hit at the With an immensely fun role snarky villains. He also seems Why he will win: 2011 Venice Film Festival, with in which he screams and to have been designed to He is almost single-handedly Why he will win: both Hoffman and Joaquin shouts racial equality and star in many, many Quentin responsible for the comedy De Niro has been starring in Phoenix jointly winning the stands out amongst a crowd Tarantino productions, as aspect in Ben Affleck’s thrilling some terrible fi lms of late, Best Actor Award – both of conservatives, Jones is a key he competently rolls off the new critically acclaimed but here is a role that is fi nally deservingly so. In contrast to supporting player that makes lengthy lines of dialogue the fi lm. As a snarky Hollywood worthy of his name and talent. Phoenix’s more intense, showy Lincoln work to its fullest eccentric director gives him. producer who declares that role, Hoffman here puts on a potential. He has a number of He has a meaty role here, and if he’s making a fake movie, Why he won’t win: very much humble, intelligent rousing speeches to make, and has won a Golden Globe so far. it will be a fake hit, he is an Again, he hasn’t been winning performance, with plenty is effective in delivering them. absolute pro in delivering his many awards for this, and of charisma, too, perfectly Why he won’t win: dry, sarcastic one-liners, giving this Oscar nomination was a plausible as a man leading Why he won’t win: Is he a bit of a one-trick pony? the fi lm a lot of breathing nice surprise, but a surprise a dodgy cult with complex Snubbed by the Critics’ Choice, Perhaps. He plays very simliar room. nonetheless. And he’s a philosophical ideas. he didn’t pick up the gong at types (although incredibly two-time winner already. the Globes either. This is one well) in a lot of his fi lms (which Why he won’t win: Remember how long it took Why he won’t win: heck of a competitive fi eld could also explain why he He has not been winning any Meryl Streep to score her third The Master had fantastic buzz this year, and a general lack of makes such a good match with major awards for this role, just Oscar? De Niro might have to – back in September. But now, support so far is not looking Tarantino) – and maybe the a list of respectable noms. wait a few more years. not so much, next to nothing. good for the actor. voters will pick up on that. 40 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Technology Editors: Jason Parmar Maximilian Eggl TECHNOLOGY [email protected] iPhone 5, review is finally h e r e Max Eggl tries his best to give you the low down on the newest Apple phone

n terms of iOS, 2012 was the year of the iPhone 5. After a rather disappointing iPhone 4S, the anticipation had been Igrowing under the surface for a long time. When the iPhone 5 was revealed on the 12th of September of last year, it sported a radical new design, a better graphics processor, new A6 chip as well as LTE technology and fi nally Felix Tech has one to review. Before diving into the heart of the article, I would like to fi rst give a negative point, not to the iPhone 5 but actually iOS 5 instead. Yes, I know that was almost 2 years ago, but I feel Thin, light and powerful, just like what the Apple iPhone 5 should I have to get this off my chest. A fea- be ture which was not widely announced when it was revealed, was the fact that you need a sim card to activate your phone. While not actually detrimental, it was annoying to say the are built for the smaller screen size do rate impressed me, as the picture was least. Perhaps it is understandable, not suff er any disadvantage, as black taken almost instantaneously. In ad- because in eff ect a phone cannot be bars are added to the top and bottom dition to that, the new panorama fea- The lightning used without a SIM card, however I of the iPhone 5 screen. In fact, due to ture is quite impressive, it’s easy to use thought the iPhone was supposed to this phone being black I did not even with great panorama pictures coming connector, be so much more than a phone. Nev- notice unless I really concentrated on out as a result. Th e only thing that New Apple Earbuds - Better than expected ertheless, after a trip to the Apple it (although probably on the white annoys me is the digital zoom. Apple store to get myself a nano sim (which one it would be more noticeable). declared this was such a good camera, one of the big was less stressful than I thought), I In terms of processing power and and yet when you want to zoom onto had a perfect working model of the actual speed the iPhone 5 kicks ass. something everything turns blurry. talking points latest version of the iPhone. Faster than any previous iteration of Something that could maybe be im- Th e actual design of the new phone iPhone, I also pitted it against a Nokia proved on with iPhone 5S/6. of the iPhone is quite, for lack of a better word, Lumia 920. Although the Lumia was Th e operating system of the iPhone beautiful. Th inner than the iPhone slightly more reactive with certain 5 (iOS 6) is Apple’s latest software. 4S, it looks like the luxury item it is actions, in most of tests I did, the iP- Whilst not without some “scandal”, supposed to be. Th e black version has hone held its own. Th e new A6 chip it is a good OS nonetheless. You have Apple’s handling of this new technol- a grey bezel on the back which makes really does feel miles better than the probably heard all about the horrible ogy was unwise to say the least, as it elegant, and I personally feel that A5, and A5X and in the future I will mapping app, so I won’t bore you with many people who would have bought the move from steel, that was used be attempting to max it out as much it. However keep in mind not only the iPhone 5, hesitated. Perhaps in the previous two iPhone models, as possible. Th e graphics processor have Nokia released Here Maps, but they should have included convert- to an aluminium composite makes is also amazing, and when playing there is now a Google Maps app in ers for iPhone buyers. However they this phone feel more like a piece of FIFA 13, not only did it play and fl ow the app store which works really well. wouldn’t make that much money that art than a utility tool. Th is change is extremely nicely, the graphics per- Pros of iOS include iMessage, the way. Th e nano sim, just like the mi- exemplifi ed by the sides of the phone, formed admirably. great app store and iCloud services. “cro sim was used to make more space which are composed of a grey matte Cameras and photos are a big part However the most benefi cial part for tech. Apparently you can cut your area as well as two bands of highly of what makes a smart phone, as the apart about the software is that Apple micro sim to nano sim proportions, buff ed material, which could almost digital camera slowly fades into ob- makes both it and its corresponding however for those of us who do not act like mirrors. Apple has also man- scurity. Th e iPhone 5 has the same hardware. Th is means that the full ca- have such steady fi ngers, a rather an- aged to make the iPhone signifi cantly 8MP camera as the 4S in the back, pabilities of the phone can be utilised. noying wait to use the phone starts. thinner as well as lighter than its pre- and now has a upgraded 1.2 MP front Th us the OS is fast, responsive and a Th e battery of the iPhone 5, like decessors, which comes with a bit of camera. Th e back camera was quite pleasure to use. most other” smartphones, is not the surprise, as not only is the iPhone 5 good in all lights, being sharp and fo- Other signifi cant features on the greatest. Often not making it past a larger it also includes the LTE tech. cused. Also the rather rapid capture iPhone 5 are the new Lightning con- day and a half. However I had not ex- Th e screen of the iPhone 5 is, to say nector and usage of the nano sim pected much more, so I wasn’t really the least, amazing. Even better than card. Firstly the Lightning connec- disappointed. Sadly I cannot com- the 4S, which was purported to be the design of the tor. Released to mixed reviews, it has ment on the LTE capabilities of the best screen on the market, it is razor been one of the big talking points of phone, as at the time of writing of this sharp and the colours are vibrant. iPhone 5. It is much smaller than the article a contract had not yet been ob- Also in line with the general smart- new phone is previous connector, which allowed tained. phone competition, the iPhone 5 has Apple to fi t more into the new iPhone All in all this phone is a wonder to a larger screen now. Even though this and still keep it thin and light. Yet it behold. Apple have really released a is the fi rst iPhone with a 4” screen, it quite, for lack also renders any previous accessory great phone, combining a beautiful just felt right. In comparison previous useless. Admittedly for me it was not design, powerful chip, cutting-edge iPhones seem short and ill-fi tting. of a better much of a deterrent as I do not have screen and a great OS to create one Apps which are optimised to uti- that many accessories, however I can of the best user experiences of the lise the whole area of the screen, are imagine for someone who did splash market. Th e price may be a bit eye- beautiful to behold and really do use word, beautiful out on the stereo system, car plugs watering but you will get everything all those extra pixels. Even apps that “” etc. that this would be quite annoying. that you paid for. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 41

Technology Editors: Jason Parmar Maximilian Eggl [email protected] TECHNOLOGY Google Nexus 4, worth it? Can Google’s “cheap” phone stand up to the high-end without killing your budget?

Yong Wen Chua Writer

Th e best eff ort at a Nexus phone so far, albeit with some teething issues. When Google announced the Nexus One phone in 2010, it was not too much of a success. Th ere was a lack of consumer interest, save the enthusiasts. Th e phone had great hardware, at that time, but it failed to capture the attention of consumers. On the software front, stock or vanilla Android was an ugly mess – other manufacturers had to slap on their own “skins” to bring some kind of aesthetics to the user interface (UI). Th e next two iterations were not that great either. Th e Nexus S and the Galaxy Nexus had pretty standard hardware at their release, and Nexus 4, a real beaut! The Glitter does put me off a bit though weren’t that exciting. Nexus 4 is their latest attempt and it has achieved considerable success on many fronts, since launch day has been low. Th is while failing on several others. JellyJelly Bean is apparently due to the demand for Th e Nexus 4 was designed in col- the phone being ten times than that The News Bubble laboration with LG, a manufacturer which Google expected. It is virtu- who is not that well known in the (Android(Android 4.2)4 ally impossible to buy the phone Android ecosystem, leading at least directly from Google at the time of A phone, a phone, my degree for a phone. Of course if you are still initially to some scepticism with isihb theth best b writing, and thus enjoy the highly reading this box, your phone is very important to you! Well, as you the device. It featured the top of the competitive price. Sure, you could noticed, we have done a pure smartphone-based issue. So the news line hardware at the time of release, go to Carphone Warehouse or opt bubble will also be all about one of the fastest tech sectors around! and even now at the time of writing. version of to purchase the phone on contract, Phones of early 2013, at least, will but you would be paying more than be matching the specifi cations of Android so far necessary. Th e software front of the Sony Xperia Z the Nexus 4. It features a Quad-core phone, however, is admittedly pretty At CES, Sony showed off the Z. This quite well designed phone also Qualcomm Snapdragon System-on- perfect, in my opinion. happens to be waterproof. Admittedly this includes plastic coverings Chip along with a generous 2 GB Jelly Bean (Android 4.2), is the best for all openings, like charger and earphone plug. However it was still of RAM. Th e phone looks stunning. Whilst this makes the phone look version of Android so far. Th e UI has very impressive when the phone was dunked in a fish bowl. However At just £279 for an unlocked phone sleek, been polished and looks aesthetically diving with your Z is still not on. Shame! bought directly from Google, the having pleasing and modern. Th is puts phone is very competitively priced. a glass the rather dated UI of iOS on But the hardware is also where the back iPhones and iPads to shame. Bendy Phones phone fails, in some ways. can I would argue that the stock Also at CES, Samsung showed off its first prototypes of their bendy Th ere are three ways in which the lead to version of Android is now phones. While Nokia was the first to be linked with this technology, phone’s hardware falls short. Firstly, “cracked the best version of Android Samsung has actually done something. The screens, based on flexible the phone has a noticeable lack of sup- phones. to use. Skins that manu- OLED tech, are quite impressive. The implications of this are quite port for Long-term Evolution (LTE), While facturers like HTC and profound - I mean, a wearable phone!?! the 4G technology that is widespread these Samsung slap onto the in the US and is becoming more hardware UI now feel extraneous available in the UK, and elsewhere. issues and seem to bog down Cheaper 4G? Google has (in)famously decided to might be the performance of the For all you who read this title, expecting a good deal, I am sorry to exclude LTE support to prevent is- mere minor UI. Th e software is disappoint you. EE did announce cheaper contracts for their 4G data sues with carrier lock-ins and other annoyances” lag free, or buttery- deals, but for most of us (i.e. Cash-strapped students) £21 a months, licensing shenanigans. Secondly, the to some peo- smooth as Google sim only for 500mb (which you will blow through before you can phone has limited fl ash memory sup- ple (and the would like to say. say EE) seems a bit much. However this move by EEs is apparently port, coming in at only 8 GB and 16 author, admit- Th e new features of a preemptive strike against release of the 4G networks of the other GB. Finally, Google has opted to cov- tedly), there this latest iteration providers. Hopefully the added competition in this new area, will lead er the back of the phone with glass. exists a larger of Jelly Bean has to cheaper prices, and a possibility for even the poorest of us to blaze issue: availabil- been highlighted through the internet on our phones. ity. in my previous Google has had article “More Max Eggl Tech Editor severe issues with Jelly Bean and The Nexus 4 future. Th is will a new fam- be nothing, but ily of Nexus” is simply a joy helpful to grow the published on number of Android 18/11/2012. users, and make more Th e Nexus to use money for Google. 4 is simply a “” Th e phone availability joy to use. 42 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

Games Editor: Ross Webster GAMES [email protected] Take us to your editor Ross Webster is ready for the probing

ssuming that it’s not just your mothers that read The Unstoppable Gorg Felix, you’ll probably be aware of the simula- Ator surplus that has hit With a title like Th e Unstoppable Gorg, word, as a sworn-in member of the the Felix offi ce. Well, Excalibur Pub- this game was either going to be one of Disciples of Dredd. lishing (those lovely folk who send us two things – terrible or awesome (or I TUG (as it forever shall be known) these games) also publish real games. guess the third option is that no-one in is a tower defence game with a nice Sorry if I sound condescending to you the offi ce knows how to spell George). change – you can move your towers. hardcore sim-junkies (you know who Th ankfully, it’s the latter of the two You’re in charge of defending a variety you are, and I’m putting a padlock on real options. Much like Dredd 3D, Th e of planets from B-movie-style aliens the cam- the games chest), but these are ac- Unstoppable Gorg ended up with good (you know, the ones wrapped in tin paign, which tual games. (Let’s ignore the fact that reviews but few people went to see foil, fl ying in ships made of cardboard can be a bit of a Farming Simulator 2013 was the best or play it when it was new. A segue, I boxes and held aloft by string), and you pain, when you realise selling game on Steam last week.) know, but I need to spread the good can place a variety of satellites (read: you’ve been barking up the wrong towers) to stop the invaders. (research) tree, for the last fi ve mis- So, being in orbit, you can move sions, because the whole thing is con- your satellites around to cover the new fusing. TUG makes you work for your will keep you playing for a long time, route of attack. It’s balanced out by the rather simple upgrade points – they and it’s not too gimmicky to bore you fact that the aliens can attack from any aren’t handed out like some sort of in- before you fi nish. angle, so it’s a little harder than it fi rst tergalactic candy – instead you’ll need Unusually for a tower defence game, seems. Th e earlier missions feel like to place research stations around your the cut-scenes are really fun to watch your run-of-the-mill tower defence, planet to fi ll up your research bar. If and actually bring something to the but quite soon you’re having to alter- the mission fi nishes and the bar is full, game. It adds a sense of 50’s immer- nate between dragging your satellites you get the medal and the point, to use sion, akin to Fallout 3 & New Vegas. I’d into range of the UFOs, and away from as you wish. Finish all of the missions heartily recommend this game to any- enemy fi re. objectives (i.e. none of your satellites one who’s interested in tower defence Imagine a mixture of Sins of Some tower defence games, such as are destroyed) and you’ll unlock the games. a Solar Empire, and this... Revenge of the Titans, keep your re- mission for the challenge mode. Well, now that’s over. Let the prob- search/upgrade choices throughout Th e well-balanced diffi culty modes ing begin. A bit that will really drive you a long way

Ross Webster Oh God, it’s Candlej- game from Excalibur Publishing, but don’t enjoy the scenery too much. unlike Zombie Chauff er, you’re not a As you progress through the ‘sto- sauve, rotten corpse, taking custom- ry’ you earn more and more money, ers to their BDSM parties, but instead through cash bundles throughout the Hah – you thought that you would es- your job is to drive around a zombie- city, kill streaks, destruction of prop- cape my zombie fanaticissm this week, infested city. erty and completing objectives. Each but you haven’t! Th is week’s selection Your goal? To rescue school kids, mission has a primary and secondary is Zombie Driver, the spiritual sequel to drunken sailors, paramedics, engi- objective, for example a primary mis- Zombie Chauff eur, the game adaptation neers, etc from the zombies in the sion would be “Rescue 4 paramedics”, of the BAFTA winning Driving Miss street. Th e city is completely open and the secondary would be “Rescue all Zombie. plan, so you can drive anywhere you 6 paramedics”. Disappointingly, your exploits are want at any time you want, spend- Well. this can be a bit of a dilem- not narrated by Morgan Freeman as ing your time shooting zombies with ma, as your original car was not once you crush zombies under your wheels, machine guns strapped to your cars, owned by a clown, and has a limited Now that’s just cheating. but hey, I expect he was too busy re- immolating them with fl amethrow- capacity for bodies. As you complete cording the voice of Gordon Freeman ers, and adding their fl esh to your ra- more missions and more extra objec- for Half Life 3. Oh wait, there was an diator with the nitro boost. As a slight tives, you unlock new weapons, up- NDA about that. Oh well. note, the survivors can get eaten by the grades and vehicles. Th e taxi, in which Sooo... Zombie Driver? Another awaiting horde if you take too long, so you start, has a moderate capacity for 4 possibly gather a horrendously large Sync. Th at would be horrible. passengers, and has okay stats (speed, pile of money that would put a dent in In-game sounds are fi ne (it’s hard to damage resistance and ability to keep US debt. See, I managed to throw poli- go wrong with groaning, and screeching your inertia as you plough through the tics into this week’s games. tires) but the voice acting leaves quite a zombies). Soon after, you can unlock Th e graphics for the game are actu- bit to be desired, but hey, that’s probably the white limo – slower and tougher ally quite good, but we’ve found a few not why you bought the game. than the taxi, but with a capcity of 6, so people who get motion sickness from So, if you can fi nd this game any- for a bunch of missions, you might not the game. I’m assuming that this is a VS- where, I’d pick it up, as it’s a feel-good, have to return to base in the middle, to ync (or rather a lack of VSync) issue, as endorphin pumping game, that requires drop off the fi rst survivors. the game can move quite fast at times. little thought, but is still kinda tricky to Turn it off, TURN IT OFF! Money might seem to be a problem, I’d recommend a decent computer if pull off perfectly. but once you’ve picked up your sur- you want nice visuals, without the barf Until next week, it’s bye bye bye from vivors, you can drive around the city, bag. For those of you who don’t know the Games team! (FYI, I made up the without a timer. As such, you could what VSync is, it’s nothing to do with ‘N Zombie Chauff eur thing. And I’m a spy.) FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 43

Coffee Break Boss: Matt Colvin [email protected] COFFEE BREAK

SNOW-O-METER Back to work SSNOW!NOW! TRASH Coffee Break Boss Cutting to the heart of TALK the week’s big topics So exams are out of the way for week? We undertook a severe most people, the snow’s melt- investigation recently into other ing (unless it’s snowing on Friday, things that share Imperial’s name. Awhich timely reminderwould be from hugely the bestembar- Our results were particularly in- artistrassing) of the and past there’s twenty a wholeyears term triguing. of work ahead. Great stuff. It can And then there’s some other MEASUREMENT only be time to take a brief respite news or something. from all of the action and chill with Don’t forget that if, for some rea- a beverage of your choice. son, you’d rather hone your writing Or, if you’re feeling particularly skills with a review of your favour- extreme, enjoy this with a meal of ite pastime rather than your latest CRISIS your choice. A baked potato per- essay, Felix always needs content. haps - a perennial favourite. Feel free to email felix@imperial. Anyway, what’s in store this ac.uk with whatever you want. NNO!O! Imperial vs. Imperial Fans of imperial measurements sent an anonymous and heart- were struck to the core this week felt message to Felix this week: What is the best kind of Imperial? Our vastly com- when it emerged that the name “This is the ultimate be- of Imperial College Union’s ‘568’ trayal,” the note began. prehensive feature will solve this age old question! was based on an approximation. “If I’m being honest, the only As nobody knows, the exact meas- way I’ll be tempted back into the urement of a pint is 568.26125 ml. establishment is if they literally Undoubtedly, ‘568’ and its connota- rename it ‘568.26125’, but then tions with the sale of pints of alcohol again it depends how desper- have been the source of unbridled ate I am for a pint of Strongbow.” mirth and joy over the past couple “To be honest, we should’ve of years, but will that be the case just called it ‘The Library’ like all now the truth has been unveiled? my mates wanted, at least there One particularly pedantic patron was no room for confusion there.” HOPES FOR

IMPERIAL COLLEGE LONDON MINT IMPERIALS LIBRARY SNOW-IN

PROS: Giver of degrees. Fast computers. PROS: Give super fresh breath. Convenient snack. CONS: There wasn’t a snow day last week. CONS: Incapable of intelligent thought. DASHED

Diligent students seeking a new I was really disappointed. I couldn’t reason not to leave Central Li- wait to spend the night in the library were left crestfallen last brary doing work, and on a Friday week when blizzard-like conditions too - it would’ve been unheard of!” failed to block access to the infa- Craig, alongside countless other mous two-door entrance system. keen beans, had to spend a sig- Chemist-in-training David Craig niﬁ cant amount of potential work- spoke on the issue to Trash Talk: ing time travelling to their homes, IMPERIAL UNITS IMPERIALISM “I was really excited when it start- resulting in mass frustration. ed pummeling it down. It was like Craig concluded: “we would’ve PROS: Warm sense of nostalgia when using them. PROS: None, I guess. Frank Bruno going at a giant sug- been ﬁ ne for food. If any- CONS: Outdated compared to other countries. CONS: Massive oppression. ar cube in the sky or something.” one was hungry they could’ve “When it turned out it wasn’t grabbed some baked beans heavy enough to block the way out, from the library café. Great food.” 44 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY

HANGMAN [email protected]

Rap lyrics of Suggestions for some new the week Facebook groups to make Mase: “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” In the wake of Spotted: Imperial Central Library (now also Ethos) and Imperial Compliments, here are suggestions for new groups someone can make...

Imperial semi warm idly rising puddle on the fl oor: call me statements please. Turn around and say hi. I can see you have no clue how to answer the YAY I was on “Young, black and famous, People give terms of weak praise ac- fi rst half of the paper. I’ll help, in ex- Spotted. It means With money hanging out the anus” knowledging that they don’t dislike change for a little something.” I’m fit right? People the person but also don’t know them aren’t taking the Right off the bat, the title of the that well and would describe them Imperial Masturbation piss are they? song is stupid. The double negative as “someone on my course” not “my Reports means that you are actually imply- friend/mate”. ing that everyone can hold you Example: “Darren is okay. He’s not down, which isn’t what you are that funny, clever, or interesting in any You send in a report to log every time trying to say. way, but I can’t imagine him trying you knock one out. If possible, this is Now let’s move on to the part to fuck your girlfriend, so I guess he’s specifi c to people you are thinking of where you shove money up your worth nodding at when you pass him at the time of ejaculation. Please note arse. I get you mean that you are so on the way home.” that Facebook have already requested rich that money is just hanging out this not be set up as it would be inun- of your arse. That’s just an impos- Spotted: Imperial Exams dated by men sending in reports and Imperial Lame Philosophical to know who to unsubscribe to. More sibility though. So, to achieve this, crash their server. Quotes of a public service really. you have to walk around with “dol- You send in a description of the per- Example: “Just had a bit of a sesh Example: “‘People and work are all lar bills” shoved up your backside. son that was making you fail your in my room. Hoping nobody heard. one in the same. Th ey are all just ener- That’s got to be uncomfortable exams by being sexy and wearing a Made no noise except for some Th is is the slightly diff erent one as it gy fl oating on the sea that we call con- when walking around. Plus, when revealing outfi t. Probably followed by mild groaning while I was get- wouldn’t be anonymous. Th e main sciousness. We are merely perceptions you bring a girl back to your house a shit joke about tangents and curves. ting into it. Watched some “Red- point of this is to publicly shame of a greater thought. – such inspiring she’ll probably be a bit freaked out Example: “To that fi t guy making my head” stuff on RedTube. Hope halls those who post shit ‘deep’ thoughts words I once heard on a TED talk or and disgusted when you take off legs diff use open and causing active don’t fi nd out. Right, I’m about to as their status and think people give a something.’ James Anderson, 3rd Year your pants and say “oh, hang on transport of gushing liquid unto a rap- climaskjocxzvkxcoz;nvxczadafd” fuck. Would be a great way for people Physics Student” baby, I just need to get this money out of my bum. You know me and my anus money hanging policy.” Also, is that still legal tender anywhere? Why does this note smell, the turnip yeah, erm, I sort of just shoved it up my arse for a bit. Hangman’s Finest College News Source Flo Rida: “Whistle” Roundup of the news this week

by Hugh Moor

Obama: “I just don’t give a that Americans can “go fuck them- François Holland stated that sending Finally, in sporting news, world num- fuck anymore” selves” now that the President had 2000 troops to settle in a relatively ber 5, David Ferrer, bids to become the begun his second term. unknown country that many people fi rst Spanish male to win a Grand Slam “Can you blow my whistle are unfamiliar with was “basically in over 9 months when he takes on #1 baby,whistle baby. Let me know, France joins the fray the same” as invading Afghanistan ranked Djokovic in the Australian Open Girl I’m gonna show you how to do and Iraq with almost ten times that semis. Th e lengthy absence of Spanish it, and we start real slow number. “We’re as cool and edgy as players from major honours is mainly You just put your lips together the other western powers now,” added due to Rafael Nadal’s nine-month, face And you come real close” the President. saving break whereby the former world number 1 and 11 time Grand Slam So, let’s establish this: blow my Nadal: “I was deffo injured” champion pretended to be injured in or- whistle = suck my dick. You’re go- der to cover up for his highly embarrass- ing to show her how to do that? I ing loss to Lukas Rosol at Wimbledon. don’t think anyone wants to be just about to get with you and then be President Barack Obama realised Bradford City win? forced to watch a demonstration halfway through his inauguration this In international news, France fi nally of you giving head to, presumably, week that he can now pretty much say enters the War on Terrorism 5000 In lighter developments, Bradford a banana or something. what he wants. Th e President went on miles to the west of and 12 years af- City gave hope Tuesday to all peren- to state in his speech that he could ter the other major Western powers nial losers and no-hopers by making “really use a hot dog right now” and by invading Mali. French President the League Cup fi nal. FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 45

[email protected] HANGMAN

TTWATWAT OOFF THETHE WWEEKEEK THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS

LANCE ARMSTRONG ADMITS HE “MAY HAVE” USED BANNED Worst thing about this photo is that he’s wearing one of those shit “varsity American jock” jackets. Unfortunately it’s not 2010 in Topman, so they’re not “in”. Twat. SUBSTANCES IN COMPETITION Got a photo of someone being a waste of a student loan? Get permission, then just send it to us at: [email protected] AS BABY OLD SKOOL RAVER HOZZ – THE HOROSCOPES CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO ARIES LEO

This week, you’re a snowfl ake. This week you are bored of This week you have a dream This week you lose your cloak- This week you fall into a deep This week that textbook you You fall on queen’s lawn, mak- sticking different vegetables about the guy you’ve been room ticket and they won’t give melancholy. All your house- bought in fi rst year and never ing it all scenic, and people in your orifi ces and decide seeing, in which he’s as fat as your coat back without it. You mates are having sex ≥ twice opened comes to life. It fol- even build a snowman using to be a bit more ambitious. Henry VIII. Now every time you dejectedly leave coatless but a day and you haven’t had any lows you around, wheezing you and your mates. Then You challenge your friend to see him all you can imagine is it’s -10 outside and snowing. since Freshers’ Week. Sick of ‘REEEAD MEEEE’ through a boom, some twat rocks up a competition to see who can being squashed during sex, You crawl under a bin bag to only having your teddy bears haze of dust and cobwebs. It and sticks a hoodie on you stick the most 50p pieces up desperately clawing at his love shelter yourself but immedi- for company, you buy a life- rustles menacingly at you until and gives you an umbrella their bum; everyone knows handles to escape before be- ately freeze solid. When the sized blow-up doll to ease the you reluctantly turn to chapter and all of a sudden you’re the anal tract doubles as a ing suffocated. It’s going to be ice thaws all that’s left of you is pain. She gets a puncture while 1. Now it’s all happy and purr- part of some evil corporation’s useful coin purse. First one awkward explaining why you your hair extensions and half- you’re spooning and defl ates, ing – see, it was just as lonely grad scheme marketing ploy. to £100 wins! can’t see him any more. digested McDonalds. Pint? along with your self-esteem. as you were. BFF4LYF<3 CAPRICORN SAGITTARIUS AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

This week you have to prepare This week you go to an inter- This week you have a tape- This week you inhale the Dis we3k uR shufflin 2 sum This week you must choose a presentation. But when you view and do a massive nerv- worm, which grows so long whole world’s supply of sik tunez, tink1n u gonna between having a strawberry stand up to deliver it, your USB ous poo in their toilet (don’t tell that it extends out of your helium and fl oat carefree pik up sum hot puszsay fl avoured condom dangling doesn’t work and you com- me you’ve never done one of mouth. You try to pull it out in across London’s skyline. wid yo sxc movez. Oi ba- from your nose or a forest of pletely forget everything you these). Unfortunately your inter- disgust but it clings on, plead- But angry scientists pull you bez Watch ma feet m0ove pubic hair where your fi nger- were going to say. You stand viewer is after you in the queue ing with you to spare it. You back down to Earth, furious 2 da beat, check yo reflex- nails are. The condom could there sweating nervously, and can’t suppress a grimace feel sorry for it and let it stay, that you have wasted this fi - shun in ma stilish shadez if be a useful handkerchief, but pleading with your brain to let as you exit. Worse: you forget and become good friends. nite and precious resource. ya can keep me still long the smell would get sickly. The you say something intelligent. to wash your hands and have But it can’t help ravaging your They chop you open to har- enuf ;-) ;-) ;-) Big up 2 all pubes may be a handy duster, But then your time’s up and you to shake everyone else’s with insides, which proves fatal. At vest what precious little reda old sk0ol rAv3rs in da but picking your nose would get 0%. Better luck next time. very visible shit smears. least you won’t die alone. mains. Haus! be hard. What’s it going to be? 46 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY Puzzles Commanders: Sotirios Karamitsos, PUZZLES Louisa Byrne [email protected] Crossword To be topical....

The numbers in each row and 1 column show you how many 1 1 1 1 groups of black squares are 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 5 in a row or column, as well as 1 1 5 1 1 3 3 1 1 1 1 1 how many black squares each 1 3 1 3 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 1 group consists of. Filling in the 3 1 3 0 3 1 3 3 3 1 3 0 1 1 1 grid produces a pretty picture, which in turn produces points 3 1 1 3 1 1 1 1 1 if you send it in. 3 1 3 1 3 1 1 1 1 1 Last week’s nonogram 3 1 1 3 0 3 3 1 1 1 3 3 3 3 1 1 1 3 3 3 0 1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 3 1 1 3 1 1 1 1

Across Down Slitherlink 1. Perimeter of a curved polygon 1. Tricky task (9) (13) 2. Gave back (8) 9. Changed (7) 3. Open e.g. toilet paper (2-4) Once more, the rules, because there’s bound 10. Code decipherer (3) 4. An organisation where smaller divi- to be someone who hasn’t tried their hand 2 3 33 0 11. Those of greater age (6) sions have internal independence (10) at the ‘link yet: draw a single closed loop by 14. Leader of a country (5) 5. Surprise police visit (4) vertically and horizontally joining the dots 3 3 1 2 1 2 15. A billion years (3) 6. Close (4) so that the numbered squares are surround- 16. Device which needs little human 7. Large red deer (3) ed by the corresponding number of lines. 3 2 2 2 control (9) 8. Subject taught in Blackett (7) Solution for last week’s crossword 20. Christianity creator (3) 12. Sense of self-importance (3) There is a box that wasn’t shaded in. I 2 3 2 0 21. Type of cheese (7) 13. Large body of water (3) apologise sincerely for the error, and en- 22. Type, e,g, film (5) 17. Chemical with atomic number 22 (8) deavour to improve the crossword quality. 222 2 2 24. Large heavy weapon formerly 18. Horse food box (6) used in war (6) 19. Artificial underground passage (6) 112 3 27. Fibber (4) 21. Clean, sterile (8) 28. More closely fitting (7) 23. South American Country, capital 0 31. Tendency of a solvent to move Quito (7) from a lower concentration to a 25. Viewpoint, geometrical feature (5) 1 1 3 2 higher (7) 26. Retro games console (5) 33. Girls name originating from the 29. Tube of caramel chocolate (4) 3 1 0 name Rachel (3) 30.Shoot (4) 34. Devices which consists of a 32. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine shape 1 2 3 223 mounted wheel or disk which spins changer (3) rapidly, used to provide stability (10) HashiFUCWIT Ophis League Table 446 5 6 36244 Connect all the is- TEAMS 2 2 2 11 Fill the cells with a lands with bridges continuous line (the 2 so that you can get Requiem for a Bean 10 “snake”) that does from any island to any Sexy Beasts 6 not pass through a 6 1 1 5 2 other one. There are cell twice, doesn’t restrictions, though: INDIVIDUALS intersect with itself, 4 44 2 the bridges have to be and passes through 1 246 either vertical or hori- Yufan Zhao 10 all white boxes. The 2 11 13zonal and they must Wael Aljeshi 8 numbers show you not intersect. You can M-Soup 7 how many times the 8 3 5 3 3 2 have up to two bridg- Helix 7 snake turns in the es between any two Tan Wei Jie 4 corresponding row 4 2 223 islands and, last but or column. The snake not least, each island Send your answers to puzzles. enters and exits the 0 3 5 2 13 must have exactly as [email protected]. You can grid at the shown 11many bridges stem- send in solutions as an individual points (and only 6 2 3 332 ming from it as the and hog all the glory to yourself, those points). There number on it. or be part of the team and have are some hints to get 6 someone to put the blame on if you started. you screw up. 6 FRIDAY 25 JANUARY 47

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter [email protected] SPORT ICURFC smash Brighton

Sports Writer needed 10 minute breather. His the second half in order to deliver the Scott Fraser claims of vengeance left Toby quak- performance they knew they were Michael O’Connell Sports Writer ing in his boots. Th e resulting pen- capable of. Impact subs included alty left Imperial with a line out on Pierre “Gross” L’Bour who replaced the opposition 22. A well executed Tom “lean mean one-fi fteen” Hansen It has been well over 8 weeks since line out lead to an unstoppable maul, who had made a slightly above aver- ICURFC have taken the fi eld. Th is where the pack jogged to the line age contribution in the fi rst half. Th e winter the bitter English weather has leaving Michael ‘Maurice’ O’Connell second half started with Imperial been brutal but this gave the team an easy fi nish. George Lane con- now playing up-hill, but determined time to heal up and, in some cases, fat- verted from the touch line to make it to maintain their clean sheet. After ten up. A very strong squad took the 7-0. As the temperature dropped we a lengthy exchange of tactical kicks two hour trip to Eastbourne, home of could see the opposition struggling from both teams, ending with a sliced sun seeking pensioners and apparently and Captain Jack capitalised with a clearance kick from Scotty ‘Too Hot- Brighton rugby. We travelled through strong ten metre juggernaut through ty’ Fraser, prompting jeers from the rain and snow to be greeted by a pitch the opposition line. A fl uff ed conver- spectators and resulting in Brighton that had seen better days. sion left us 12 points clear. Keeping putting much of the pressure on Im- Keen to avoid the arctic tempera- up the pressure, Imperial earned a perial. After winning a penalty after ture we ran out for only a quick warm 5 metre scrum just minutes later, a huge defensive performance Im- up. Although Brighton play in the and an already tired Jon ‘Team Talk’ perial found themselves with a line league below they had beaten table Hardisty picked and popped to man out 35m from the opponents try line topping St Barts meaning they were of the match Scott Fraser who made a and again the maul was called upon. Rugby didn’t give us any pictures so we dug this up from Facebook. not to be underestimated. slick pass to Nathan ‘Brucie’ Fitzpat- Imperial nailed another line out and Cap’n Jack posing next to the launch poster. Send us pictures or Captain Jack, returning after injur- rick leaving him with a simple fi nish. had the maul going forward; time this will happen to you! ing his ankle earlier the season, gave After a quick kick return, IC again after time the forwards hit the maul one of his inspiring team talks punc- found themselves within touching forcing the Brighton pack into a fast tuated with blood curdling screams distance of the Brighton line. retreat. An awesome surge of power of ‘Th is is Sparta’. However, after a taste of glory, Na- from Imperial propelled the maul hurting them it was made up by re- also go to “massive” Mike O’Connell George Lane kicked off the game than got greedy and decided to leach into the 22 and eventually over the lentless tackling. Eventually a turno- for looking like he was mounting a and the team got off to a great start onto the back of a rolling maul and line for impact sub L’Bour, who was ver was forced and a box kick from horse and for Big George Lane’s fi rst with strong tackling leading to a claims to have scored the fourth try already pumped from the “cafe” from Scott Fraser was recovered by Brucie ever low tackle. A satisfi ed but not penalty. Th is dominance continued of the match. Another quality strike his thermos, to complete a devastat- and again Imperial found themselves ecstatic Imperial left the fi eld happy for the next four minutes where we from George Lane led to a missed ing display of dominance from the in Brighton’s half. Imperial applied with the win but knowing improve- saw the fi rst yellow of the game. Toby conversion leaving the score 22-0 at Imperial pack to extend the lead to pressure and found themselves once ments need to be made. Th e major Spittle’s jovial behaviour around the half time. 27-0. again inside the 22 setting J Flan up achievement was managing to fi nish breakdown landed him with a well Despite the domination Imperial Brighton’s kick off preceded an- for a carbon copy of his fi rst try as he with a nil score (34-0) against a team deserved, albeit poor, headbutt, giv- showed in the fi rst half, the team other spell of pressure from them. thrust once again through the Bright- that put 2 tries past the Medics... ing the Brighton loose head a much knew they had to raise their game in Although Imperial’s discipline was on defence. Notable mentions must Bring on Varsity. ICSM Badminton still unbeaten

Michael O’Connell Sports Writer

With the highest number of members in the history of the club, it has been one of the most successful years for ICSM Badminton in both team performance and social events. All of our teams have put on their best performance yet with the women’s These two are more gentle and mixed doubles’ team currently Harder! Smash those shuttlecocks with their shuttlecocks... taking the top spot in their leagues. Th e women’s team remains unde- feated since the start of the season and they have continued the win- ing four games to give us a perfect displayed good performances as they at the University of Twente, with 8 victims, which, as most people would ning streak with the most recent team victory. are both respectably placed in their am wake-up calls every day follow- have guessed, was a fail. We had 8-0 white-wash against King Col- Th e mixed team had one of their leagues, under the sturdy leadership ing on from the fun evening antics. Japanese characters from the Mario lege London on Wednesday. Sarah toughest matches against St. Barts of Ananth and Jonhson & Lochani Everyone won at least one of their brothers to the two Pikachus which and our team Captain, Miko, have (Queen Mary Medics) at our home for the 1st and 2nd teams respec- matches throughout the competition we protected from Team Rocket for stepped up to the challenge of being ground. Our three mixed doubles tively. and overall we came second (out of the whole night. the singles players for matches after pairs, Annie (captain) & Bob, Locha- Aside from the team successes this 32) in the tournament. Th e best way It has been a great year and great the departure of one of our great sin- ni & Tom and Yan & myself, put on year, one of our major social achieve- to celebrate this great result was the fun with the club so far. I wish the gles players, Ayla, who was a Dutch our best performance and managed ments was the tour to Enschede, New Year’s party at the University of success continues and best of luck in student interning at Imperial College to narrowly win 5-4, but unfortu- Netherlands over the Christmas and Twente’s very own Viking’s Bar with the remaining matches for all teams! for 4 months. With 2 sets won for nately one of the players was injured New Year holiday. We had the high- everyone dressed up to the theme Fingers crossed the women’s team each singles games, our two doubles during their match and the game had est number of members in the history of “Joyful Japan”: an attempt to stop will get promoted to division 1 next pairs, Peachy & Annie and Hannah & to be forfeited. of ICSM Badminton to come on tour! people from dressing up as exploding season and the mixed team to the myself, managed to win the remain- Th e men’s 1st and 2nd teams have We took part in a 4-day tournament nuclear plants or nuclear explosion premier division! 25/01/13 Issue 1537 felixonline.co.uk @SportFelix

SPORT “Keep the Cat Free” Wolverine 1s Smashed by 2s Felix Sport learns of the strange goings on at IC Dodgeball...

Steve Ndumbe Dodgeball President medal. However, the 2nd team then took the next two games to make it 2-2, helped with some strong words On Sunday 13th January, the Wol- of encouragement from ex-2nd team verines set off for Essex with 3 teams Vice-Captain Zain Abbas, and top- ready to hit their fi rst tournament of class leadership from 2nd team Cap- 2013 in force. In a fi rst in the club’s tain Justin Ioanna. What happened in history, there were no delays in set- the fi nal game can only be described ting off , nor incidents on the way as magical. More specifi cally, James there (minus Scott Esnouf’s typical Strang’s mid-air mid-court catch of minibus stalling, mind). Th omas Peake, easily the pivotal mo- Th e day started off with a shock re- ment in the whole match, could only sult, as the Imperial 2nds wiped the be described as awe-inspiring. It was fl oor with one of the best teams in the then and only then that the 1sts knew country and the club’s newest rivals, they had been beaten. Despite last- Th e Meteors. Th e 2nds had achieved gasp eff orts from Steve Ndumbe and what the 1sts had failed to do in their Scott Esnouf to bring the game back, previous 4 encounters against Th e the 2nds eventually picked off all Meteors; was this a sign of things to six fellow club members, with some come? Aided by the insane throws strong throwing from Kennard Seah, of Jan Kosco, coaxed out of dodge- to secure their fi rst ever Bronze med- ball retirement with a “particularly al in an Open tournament. lawyer-ish Facebook message” and Man of the tournament for the 3rds Zain Abbas’s tremendous catching – No medals for Steve. was a draw between Iacopo Russo reaching the club record of 4 catches and Digant Tyagi for their superb in one game – the 2nds triumphed catching. Man of the tournament for 4-1 and ended up progressing to the 2nds, and easily for all 3 teams the quarter fi nals at the top of their Th e Imperial 3rd team were un- decision. In one of the games, despite the 2nds put up a strong fi ght against was Jan Kosco, whose fearsome group. luckily in a group of top tier teams, the fi nal opposing player being clear- the 1sts; even then, no one could have throwing capabilities had been sorely Due to one of the clubs pulling out unfortunately losing all three of their ly hit on the foot, repeated calls from predicted how strong the fi ght they missed. Th ere was no similar vote for at the last minute, the 1sts had to play matches against strong opposition. the ever-growing crowd (including would be putting up this time. Even the 1st team, but it probably wouldn’t the UCL Pumas twice in the group However, they showed impressive that of the Imperial 1st and 2nd team) Th omas Delteil, who had gotten so have gone to Alan Soltani for spend- stages. Rest assured the inferior uni- perseverance through the group that “it bounced” caused the referee bored with the day’s proceedings that ing 20 minutes almost crying in the versity team was duly beaten not only stages, even if Scott Esnouf decided to simply allow play to continue. Th e he decided to crack out some classic shower after the fatal loss, or to Scott by the 1sts twice, but also by the 2nds it would be a good idea to tell them second was to show how bad the 3rd French literature, was enthralled at Esnouf for coming up with every ex- in the quarter fi nal. Th e 1st team then a few days before that they were ba- team are at ‘suicide’ throws. Nota- what happened next. cuse under the sun as to the unbeliev- faced Th e Meteors in the quarter-fi - sically screwed. Th eir fi nal match of bly pitiful attempts included Kunal It all started with a simple catch able result. nal. Fuelled with the confi dence that the day, the positional play-off was Sharma literally walking through the from Nuno Cunha, eff ortlessly silenc- And as much as I would love to re- if their 2nd team could beat Th e Me- against a new team called “Th e Spe- deadzone area in the middle of the ing Steve Ndumbe’s eff orts to take write this report and claim that the teors, then surely they could too, the cial Bus”, appropriately dressed in court, and Iacopo Russo getting good him out. Th is was swiftly followed by 1sts beat the 2nds after all, I daresay 1sts eventually managed to progress pyjamas. Th is match served two pur- elevation in a jump, and then failing Will Robinson’s cries of “shit shit shit” Th omas Bell’s thorough documen- to the semi-fi nals, thanks to some poses: the fi rst was to show how peer to displace the ball further than a few as Jan Kosco unleashed a blistering tation of the day via the Imperial solid catching from Edmund Teo. pressure can easily aff ect the referee’s inches from himself. Th eir eff orts throw in his direction. Despite this, Wolverines Twitter account would were initially so bad that in the penul- the 1sts went 2-0 up, only needing easily hamper my eff orts. After all, timate game all 6 players suicided and one more game to secure the Bronze #thebesttruthisanembellishedone. all 6 players missed, causing them to concede that game (admittedly this was the same game that the crowd decided they would referee instead, but let’s skip over that). Th ankfully Cyprien de Saint Guilhem sorted out a half-decent technique, and fi nally pulled off a successful suicide in the next game to end their day. Both the 1sts and the 2nds lost their semi-fi nal matches, and so the fi nal match of the day for the Wol- verines Club was the 3rd/4th play- off between the 1sts and the 2nds. Th is was easily the most anticipated matchup of the day, as this was the fi rst time the two teams had ever Not even Zain and Nuno could save the day for the 1’s.... met in a tournament before. Previous *Send us a different picture dodgeball! friendly matches in training had seen

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