Inside a Year on from the Referendum Which Led to the Union's Re

Th e student newspaper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,387 felix Friday 16 November 2007 felixonline.co.uk VITALI LAZURENKO Inside

A day at the races

Pages 28 & 29

Say Halo to my little friend

Pages 26 & 27

LHC Lecture

Pages 10

THES league table opinion NUS: worth it? A year on from the referendum which led to the Union’s re-affiliation with the NUS, see page 3 Page 6 2 felix Friday 16 November 2007

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville [email protected] Countdown to the Lord Mayor’s Show 2007 More dramatics than a shuttle take off at Cape Canaveral as the CGCU prepares for the annual LMS parade

Edward Judge ASHLEY BROWN AND NICK SIMPSON cold weather and it being the dead of CGCU Honorary Secretary night we didn’t hold much hope of it drying. A group of students working at mid- T-minus 7 hours: night on a Friday night is nothing new, Disaster struck. Our fancy mecha- especially for Imperial. A group of stu- nism for moving the ball around failed. dents working outside in the freezing The magic of duck tape was put to cold painting and cutting wood can the test. After a quick fix we tried and only mean one thing, its time for the failed again. Things weren’t looking Lord Mayor’s Show (LMS). good. Finally after borrowing some ex- The City and Guilds College Union tra supports everything was fine. was honoured to represent Imperial in T-minus 4 hours: the annual parade to celebrate the Lord After a sleepless night putting final Mayor of the City of London. This year, touches to it the lorry arrives. Every- as is generally the case, the story of the one, wrecked and bruised, struggled CGCU float began less then a week be- to lift the 3m tall structure onto it and fore the show with a “design” that was finally all was done. In record time it scrawled on the back of a set of lecture was strapped down and sent on its way notes. Here is the story: with Jez following inder her own steam. T-minus 119 hours: (to the start The float was joined on the lorry by Bo of the parade) who was helped along Exhibition Road The “Acting” LMS Coordinator sud- under the careful watch of a number of denly realised how little he has been police. acting and with five days to go starts T-minus 3 hours: frantically calling lorry companies to With the lorry gone we grabbed eve- get one arranged. The hours tick by rything we needed, collected 120 he- and an angel in the form of Gunns lium balloons and set off on the tube. Transport appears. T-minus 2.5 hours: T-minus 115 hours: While taking up half a tube with bal- After rejoicing in the success of get- loons the shit hit the fan. The overly ting a lorry the CGCU office is thrown tired coordinator had left our all im- into disarray by a very distressed phone The CGCU float (left) and CGCU motorised mascot Bo’ (right) being towed by a massive truck portant documentation in the office. call from the LMS office. Apparently With a quick fix of someone running they had not received payment and back in place we continued on hoping were considering pulling the CGCU T-minus 71 hours: half as high as the float, we set about The teams were spilt and while one to meet up with everyone. float from the parade. A quick check A very “helpful” delivery man, who real construction. This was halted painted, the other attended a security T-minus 1 hour: of the accounts showed the money asked no questions, dumped our sup- quickly once the lack of tools became briefing that was “to die for”. After be- All aboard. We all piled on the lorry from the BP sponsorship hadn’t come plies in college so construction could apparent. ing told there was a serious risk of ter- tied down the balloons and headed off. through yet. A call to BP solved this commence. We must congratulate Im- T-minus 43 hours: rorism during the day the commanding Finally the hard work was done. and a cheque was written and posted perial students for their principles in The CGCU offices were raided and officer changed direction and said “not With the show completed and having (thank god for the phrase “The cheque that nothing was stolen from the pile four “saws” were obtained. However, to worry you are much more likely to passed without incident we dumped is in the post”). that lay at the side of the road for two the first three good ones we tried be bombed next month while Christ- the float [Editor – which remained out- T-minus 95 hours: days. proved incapable of cutting wood. The mas shopping”. side the Skempton building for the next Armed with the knowledge that hav- T-minus 66 hours: oldest saw in the world was our only T-minus 11 hours: four days, much to the irritation of the ing a lorry is no good if you have noth- Construction began, still with no of- hope. Covered in rust, the name War- After removing the main parts of Union which was threatened with a fine ing to put on it and the fact that there is ficial design. First blood was drawn. rior was bestowed upon it. their float from their temporary home from College as a result!] and collapsed a distinct lack of building suppliers in After abandoning any hope of proper T-minus 40 hours: of the faculty car park we decided to in the Union for a few well deserved the South Kensington area we quickly construction, chicken wire became our We were tired. Construction ceased. get some warmth and devoured a mid- drinks. Plans for further drinking were arranged for a delivery of the estimated medium of choice. A whopping 22.5m T-minus 21 hours: night snack of bolognaise prepared in soon scrapped and a nice meal in the amount, aka a complete guess, of wood of mesh tubing was born. The actual amount of work remain- the warmth of Jez’s garage. Queens Arms sufficed. and nails. An attempt was made at im- T-minus 44 hours: ing dawned upon us. Panic ensued. A T-minus 9 hours: Thanks go to everyone who helped proving the design but it was scrapped The faculty car park was besieged. trip to Argos solved further supply is- With the construction going well we with the construction and on the day. as it looked worse than the initial con- Having the “best” location in college sues and the construction resumed. decided to start to pretty up the float We would like to especially thank BP cept drawing. for construction, despite it being only T-minus 17 hours: with another layer of paint. Given the for their generous sponsorship.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,387 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 16/11/07 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

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Science Editor Nightlife Editor Photography Ed Henley Greg Mead Sally Longstaff Vitali Lazurenko Business Editor Film Editor Afonso Campos Alex Casey Thanks to Alex Guite Friday 16 November 2007 felix 3 [email protected] News £44,000 per year – value for money? Felix speaks to the student body to discuss how much it has benefitted from the Union’s NUS re-affiliation

Tom Roberts ormation that both Mr Guite and Mr Editor-in-Chief Brown highlight as positives changes? Ask any student about ICU’s very own Tommorow marks one year to the day newly-formed Trustee Board and how from when Imperial College students the Union’s dynamics have been affect- voted “yes” to joining the NUS (Na- ed as a result, and you will most likely tional Union of Students). However, be met with a blank stare. The NUS is since the Union’s re-affiliation, have even more far removed than this. students at Imperial actually noticed Advocates of the NUS also point out any differences? that without the affiliation, ICU would Last November, after three days of be an insular and segregated body dedicated campaigning by pro- and without a voice on the national scale, anti-NUS teams in which the stu- especially since we left the University dent body was collared, persuaded of London Union (ULU) last year. By and bribed to vote either way, more hopping from the ULU bandwagon than 4,000 votes were cast to decide and onto the NUS one, supporters whether Imperial College Union (ICU) have argued that we are saving over would rejoin the NUS. In one of the £30,000 due to the difference in the Union’s most successful elections in affiliation fees. However, the point is living memory, the majority of 53% irrelevant in many students’ eyes, as voted “yes” in favour of the NUS. Money, money, money in the NUS’ hand they believe that Imperial College Un- This wasn’t the first time ICU had ion is an influential enough institution re-affiliated with the NUS. The Union that doesn’t need support from either has had an on-off history with the NUS The most immediate benefit to the left of the card. This entitles the holder undergoing dramatic change at the of the bodies – it can stand on its own and since 1922 there has been a motion student body is in the form of a dis- to discounts abroad. moment and there is an Extraordinary two feet. in every decade to rejoin, culminating count card: the NUS Extra Card, pic- Since Imperial rejoined the NUS, Conference next month in Leicester If this were the case the Union would in four successful attempts including tured on the front page being held by 579 Extra Cards have been purchased; that is going to discuss and decide how be saving itself at least £44,000 per year; last year’s. first year Bioengineering student Fern- around 5% of the student body. This the NUS will function structurally. a vast amount that could be put to- Affiliation doesn’t come cheaply: the ando Pacheco. Mr Pacheco told Felix equates to 27% of the 2134 students Supporters and critics seem to agree wards the Union redevelopment, cur- current cost per annum is £44,000. So that having bought his NUS Extra Card that said ‘yes’ to the NUS last year. that changes in both the Union’s and rently in hiatus, or into the clubs and what are we supposed to get in return at the start of term, he “hasn’t used it Have the other 1500 or so students that the NUS’ governance will benefit the societies. Mr Pacheco said he would for this vast sum of money, and more yet”. voted yes all graduated (meaning they student body as a whole. One of last “much rather see the money spent on importantly, what have we got so far? The card costs £10 and is supposed can’t buy a card now), simply forgot- year’s pro-NUS campaigners, Alex the Basketball society.” The NUS is a one of the world’s to bring students discounts at many ten to buy a card, don’t care or did they Guite, commented to Felix that “al- A year on from ICU’s re-affiliation largest student organisations, giving national stores, websites and restau- vote the NUS in because of its political though governance is not the sexiest referendum, it seems the student body unions throughout the UK and North- rants such as amazon.co.uk, JJB and weight and not to save money? topic, reviewing it with the help of the has scarcely felt any effect of the NUS. ern Ireland political clout which they McDonalds. However, it seems some Perhaps the Union is to blame: many NUS has been very helpful for our un- Although not entirely clear how, the would lack on their own. Not only does of the companies associated with the students complained to Felix that they ion and in turn we are helping the NUS promise of governance revisions may it provide representation and advice NUS Extra Card don’t even recognise hadn’t seen any posters or other forms reform itself.” bring noticeable benefits to students. for Unions, it fights “barriers to educa- it when presented with one. Ricardo of advertising for the card. It’s not Mr Guite is also keen to point out However only time will tell whether tion” and “empowers students to shape Smith, a first year Civil Engineer told surprising awareness is low when the that the NUS has provided ICU with this is just another flirtatious bout be- both a quality learning experience and Felix he went to “Subway and tried to Union President (one of last year’s vo- numerous networking opportunities, tween the unions or if the two are des- the world around them” according to use [his] card, but they rejected it and cal anti-NUS campaigners) is seen on which have yielded otherwise unob- tined to be bedfellows this time round. the NUS website. wouldn’t let me get my 10% off” be- stoic television slating the NUS calling tainable advice. Furthermore, with the This is all very well, but having talked fore adding: “I haven’t really got a clue it a “comedy sideshow”. NUS’ support, ICU has developed a The Union is looking for students to a number of Imperial students this why I spent the money on it in the first Stephen Brown, the Union President, trade union for its own student staff, to attend the NUS Extraordinary week, it seems the ‘benefits’ are hav- place.” has expressed his disappointment with something that Mr Guite says will Conference on Tuesday 4th ing minimal impact. Felix spoke to a Strangely enough, some students the re-affiliation so far, telling Felix benefit “all students who work for the December. If you want a free number of students, one of whom – an that Felix spoke to said they have had that “to date we have not got our mon- Union.” He is also quick to point out trip to Leicester to represent Aeronautical Engineering student – better luck using their NUS Extra Card ey’s worth.” Mr Brown believes that if that the President himself has received your Union on a national scale, concisely summed up the most com- in other countries since it also acts as the “governance [ie: the structure] of excellent training from the NUS. and to help influence the NUS’ mon feeling by saying she “hasn’t felt an ISIC (International Student Identity the NUS is sorted out, then we might In reality though, are students going governance, email: felix@ the effects of joining the NUS.” Card); the logo can be seen on the top begin to see the benefits.” Its setup is to feel the effects of the governance ref- imperial.ac.uk Students’ fire alarm frustrations

Tom Roberts alarms” that were going off around the location before a problem erupts. However, the Safety Director ad- Felix that he had been “assured” by Editor-in-Chief campus. There are only supposed to However, inevitably there are going to mitted he didn’t know the solution to his colleagues that the new revolving be two fire drills per year, with one per be incidents that are too severe for the this problem. He suggested that peo- doors provided just as much space for This week College said that it is “con- term whilst students in halls can ex- pre-alarms and the evacuation alarm ple could be disciplined when they’re people to exit through as the old doors cerned by the amount of fire alarms” pect to experience one more on top of will be raised instantly. caught sitting in their offices, but again did in Blackett and Huxley. that have been occurring across cam- their departments’ drills. Talk of cutting down on recurrent this would have a “negative influence” Felix measured the distance across pus. The statement comes in response Unless College has been swiftly ex- alarms is all well and good, but a wor- on people. the revolving door in Blackett, com- to a student who contacted Felix air- tinguishing blazes without anybody rying amount of people choose to re- Evacuating only those people near paring it to the remaining old door ing his frustrations at the multitude of noticing, there have been seemingly main in their offices or labs ignoring where to an alarm is triggered is also which stands next to it. The result: the times he has had to be evacuated. Con- no fires around campus in the past two the noise blaring out around them. unfeasible as the procedure is too opening in the revolving door meas- cerns have also been raised about the years, which begs the question: why The PhD student suggested frequent “complicated” and “people become ured 1.2m whilst the old door meas- difficulty people have had when exiting are students within Huxley and Black- fire alarms “lead to a ‘boy who cried confused” when only certain people ured 2m wide. The number of people their departments during an alarm due ett being turned out of their buildings wolf’ situation” citing some academics are made to leave a building. that can safely be in the building re- to newly installed revolving doors re- up to eight times a year? he knows that just “shut their door and The problems with the College’s fire mains the same since the Ring of Steel stricting mobility. Mr Gillett continued by saying that stay inside during the alarms”. precautions go beyond just the alarms was introduced. A second year PhD student, who there are a number of possibilities: Mr Gillett acknowledged this was a though; the new revolving doors that Ultimately, College’s fire precautions wishes to remain anonymous, wrote to contractors are often to blame when “bit of a problem” that stems both from have been installed in Blackett and are designed to stop people from be- Felix expressing his annoyance at hav- using power tools that kick up a lot people not being educated enough by Huxley are also a cause for concern. coming charred husks of their former ing to go through yet another evacu- of dust, or students who “spray a bit the fire drills and also because people Some students have reported to Felix selves, but with the sensitive nature of ation “ordeal”. The postgraduate said too much Lynx” can trigger an alarm. are not informed why they have been that they have been a part of queues of smoke detectors and Imperial’s current that since he had been at Imperial, he Measures are in place to cut down the evacuated when there has been a gen- people saying to each other: “You go status as a giant building site the future had experienced between ten and fif- frequency of fire alarms; “pre-alarms” uine problem. If people are not told first,” which is then followed by, “No, doesn’t bode well for those people who teen evacuations and that nobody ever are designed to monitor changes in why they are being ejected from their after you, I insist.” In this situation, lose their sanity at the shrill of a fire had an idea whether it was a drill or an the air around them. For example, if a departments, then next time they will students are advised to seek alterna- alarm. actual fire. device detects a slight increase in the simply become frustrated and assume tive exits if they can foresee difficul- Felix contacted Ian Gillett, College’s amount of smoke within a room, a something minor has happened that ties leaving through any of the main The PhD student’s letter can be Safety Director, who said that he was message can be sent to the fire offic- won’t affect them if they remain where entrances. found in full in the Comments “concerned by the number of fire ers in College who can quickly get to they are. When questioned, Mr Gillett told section on page 5 4 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Bland manifestos won’t get my vote

ecently, we year 4 med- to how fit the girls were (call me shallow them was a total waste of time which for anyone. ics had another run of if you must… but girls, when was the could have been better spent having a So what I’m really saying is if you popularity contests (more last time you fancied someone’s emo- wank. The whole thing made me wish want to run for something, make an ef- widely known as year rep tions? …add the fact that she’s wearing I had entered with promises of ending fort and think of some of the things you R elections); all of our inbox- the same dress as another girl at the the war in Iraq, climbing to the top of know can be improved. Something the es being subjected to the usual promo- party and a hint of PMS and stir…). It’s Queen’s tower, wearing nothing but a rest of us might look at and think “Hell tional spam (makes me miss the Viagra a change from previous years where I thong, and installing new snack vend- yeah, that’s something that should be James Wang spam of old). just voted for whoever had sent me the ing machines. done”. Remember most of us are lazy Fortunately, this year the quantity least amount of spam. As opposed to coming off as CV bastards would like nothing better than wasn’t as torrential as previous ones, My main beef with these things monkeys, you’d think people could for you to go and do that for us. not for a certain someone’s lack of try- this time around were the manifestos. make a bit more effort promoting Failing that, make up something re- ing. Yes Neil, I’m talking to you: I have It looked like an exercise in copy and themselves. Some ideas of solutions to garding your stance on sex with mon- a rusty garden rake and I’ll give you paste with the first one being as bland current problems would be nice. After keys to prevent another tragedy like three guesses where I’m going to shove as the free tea at Tanaka. All were all, we’re (supposedly) voting for you so AIDS crossing the species barrier. And it when I see you next! some variation of being “friendly and you can think for the mindless masses don’t spam our inboxes, we heard you At this stage, people have already approachable and will address your instead of relying on them for shit to the first time around. If you’re still picked their favourites, though admit- concerns”. Well so will the clerks at my do. People don’t like voting in the first considering it, just ask Neil about what tedly, I just ranked my votes according local Tesco. Actually, reading through place and you aren’t making life easier might happen. Put this in your title and smoke it

’m getting a bit bored of smok- smoker – you are not, and will never that smoking keeps people off other ers. After all the bans and tem- be, Kurt Russell. You’re just a tit who’s drugs, or at least slows their abuse of porary surges in “quit now” ad- been smoking for so long that you’re them. But if that’s the only defence you vertisements, it’s true that I see actually embarrassed about how de- can muster for a habit that kills thou- I a lot less lighting up than I used pendent you’ve become on it. sands ever year, I think you need to to. Obviously, some are pushing their Second, the absolutely ludicrous hu- check what it is that you’re smoking. luck in enforcing the law – drawing a man rights grounds on which some Hah. Great jokes to be had here, line around a building is probably a lit- smoking groups opposed the bans honestly. A. Geek tle too far – yet it seems that there’s a from. Yes, self-harm is legally okay. Yes, Maybe I just don’t “get” drug abuse tactic agreement now that smoking is I should be allowed to do bad things very well – like Cyndi Lauper, or burp- bad for everyone’s health, not just the to myself if I want to. But if I started ing on demand. Maybe everyone likes smoker. And despite this, we still don’t carrying around weapons-grade plu- smelling like they’ve rolled around in seem to have the courage to put heel to tonium in my coat pocket, I think the smouldering horse poo, and kissing butt and stamp the last embers out. people around me would view it as a people that taste of wet smouldering I used to be of the opinion that if you little antisocial. horse poo. And maybe it’s not as rep- wanted to die slowly and painfully while For me, it’s representative of how Some still ignore the message resentative of human kind if you assess your family watches on and blames unwilling we are to give up things that despite more graphic warnings it in any reasonable terms. the health service, then that was your make us feel good – fuel inefficient But seeing as we’re still discriminat- choice. But lately I find myself refram- cars. Really loud music at 1am. Ant ing against everyone we can get our ing the smoking issue to represent the and Dec. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t more comfortable to light up with an hands on – ISLAMISTS LOL – the ice worst of what disappoints me in the like the idea of giving up my Taste The evening coffee than not, well… it’s a lit- caps are still melting, and the Middle human race right now. Difference cookies so that I can do- tle saddening. East is still being crept up on from all First, the eternal joy of discussing the nate more to charity and even up the I know not all smoking is bad – an sides by the encroaching legions of idi- ethics of smoking with a smoker. My world’s karma. You don’t miss the dif- acquaintance of mine has to smoke a ots with cruise missiles, I think that if favourite kind is the one that maintains ference until you’ve tasted it, let me pipe as part of a medical condition he we can’t analyse ourselves far enough they know what it’s doing to them, but tell you. But the fact that people want has. Obviously, the stuff he smokes is to quit inhaling carcinogens ten times are okay with it. A message to those of to cling onto a damaging, expensive medicated, rather than the pipe itself. a day, I’m going to need to emigrate you reading this that are this kind of and disgusting habit just because it’s Plus, there’s the slightly weaker claim further than Canada after all. Garden & Weeks Hall celebrates its 50th

007 is Imperial’s Centenary William Drake (until 1891), or Rt. Hon. used by the Admiralty and, by the late lives would be greatly enriched by a but also a special year for Lord Walter Gordon-Lennox, PC (un- 1940s, passed to the hands of the Lon- period of residence in Hall.’”! us at Garden & Weeks halls til 1921). don Hostels Association. It seems that Every year, Garden hall becomes the (G&W): Garden celebrates Garden Hall’s Victorian houses houses 8-15 Prince’s Gardens were home of 82 Imperial freshers in single, 2 its 50th anniversary as a hall were completed in 1860, adjacent to offered to the College for student ac- double and triple rooms, who enjoy its of residence! (Weeks hall’s golden jubi- the Great Exhibition site. The devel- commodation as part of a bid (led by impeccable common room, previously lee will follow in just a couple of years, oper was Sir Charles Freake and John Sir John Betjeman, poet and founder the oak-panelled study of Sir Henry so we will talk about it later). We have Johnson was the probable architect of Victorian Society) to keep Colcutt Keating looking onto the garden. been celebrating in style! (apparently he is well-known for mid- Tower – now Queen’s Tower! – in the The senior re-app (hall senior) has Everyone knows Garden Hall: a row Victorian buildings in London). At the early 50s. Imperial and the hall soon the honour of occupying the Gothic of Victorian houses on the North Side time, these houses were an “affordable” played a role during the Hungarian guest room, set up for Lady Elizabeth João T. Cabral of Prince’s Gardens, between Sports option to Belgravia or Mayfair, for pro- Uprising in 1956 by welcoming exiled Vernon in the ‘30s, but all bedrooms Garden & Weeks Hall Centre and Weeks hall. Some people fessionals and minor noble families. students in house 12. are unique: room 5, for example, may even know that both Garden & Yes “affordable”, but they still needed Garden hall was formally inaugu- was the drawing room of Sir William Weeks halls are grade II listed build- accommodation for several family rated in 1957 and, that year, the college Drake! ings. (I know this can be hard to be- members, a few guest bedrooms and Governing Body minutes would justify You may wonder: “what are students lieve but Weeks is an architectural two or three elegant rooms for enter- “There is (…) a general agreement that doing in Victorian houses in South gem of the 50s!) What no one knows taining guests; and of course rooms the full University training is not ob- Kensington?“ I would argue that was is the fascinating history behind G&W for a dozen or so servants, usually on tainable unless the student spends at the very purpose of Prince Albert! You halls, which dates back to the Great the top floor; and finally a service area least a part of his career in residence. see, Prince Albert, as president of the Exhibition in 1851 and involves illus- with kitchen, wine cellar, coal cellar, (…) the need for increased residential Royal Commission for the Great Ex- trious residents as Sir Henry Singer laundry, servants’ eating room etc, in accommodation was ‘reinforced by hibition (and using the £186k profit Keating, Solicitor-General in two of the basement! the presence in the Universities of in- of the exhibition!) decided to establish Wardening the Palmerston’s administrations and first In more recent times, during the creased numbers of students who come the site as an “educational and cultural tenant of house 11, Lord Blackburn second World War, the houses were from homes with little or no tradition centre” for London. I just hope we live Almighty Organ (1861-1887), Sir William Earle and Sir requisitioned by the government and of culture and whose undergraduate up to the expectations… Friday 16 November 2007 felix 5 [email protected] Comment Letters and physicists just don’t mix

etters are powerful tools. In that disappeared very quickly. Those I loathe it. I detest and despise it with the exact three variables (or symbols, the right hands, these insig- same intrinsically worthless pen- vehemence worthy of A. Geek. For it for those actually following) that have nificant little squiggles can marks that can produce emotions of has now come to symbolize gravita- been chasing each other over my notes convey romance, suspense, the purest kind when wielded by poets tional acceleration, and that drives me for the last three hours, come to think L passion, terror, and ridicu- or authors, should never, ever, be used quite simply berserk. of it, a game of tag. Trust me, that par- lously over-employed clichés. Yet there by physicists. Things aren’t that bad, I hear you ticular bad joke was unintentional. are times, when the power is handed You would think that the letter ‘g’, say; look at all the other lovely letters To tell the truth, I feel my spirits lift- over to those unable to wield it prop- innocent as it is, had little chance of our language has to offer. Not so – ac- ing already. That’s a relief – I can now erly, that they can generate confusion, making my life a hell. When ensconced celeration, speed of light, distance, ec- go back over this thing and proofread it Gilead Amit rage and despair. safely in the word ‘syzygy’, or hiding centricity, Planck’s constant, impulse, without getting post-traumatic-stress- I know that scientists are anti-hu- coyly in the word ‘vestige’ (both chosen momentum, time and weight are all induced flashbacks. Of course, I know manists. I knew that before I came by a large number of English speakers lurking in the shadows. Our alphabet that this is only a temporary respite. here, but I never really came to grips as among the most beautiful in our lan- reads like a wanted list of dangerous Because, masochist that I am, I am go- with the depth of the contrast. Let me guage), granted, it poses little threat. convicts, escaped from their protective ing to return to that bugger ‘g’, and in- make my meaning plainer. I am writ- It even has a special significance for asylums and unleashed onto the world duce him to play nicely with his friends ing this while recovering from several me personally – an old acquaintance, at large. Mainly, of course, to annoy ‘a’, ‘t’, and ‘v’. Why? I’m ashamed to ad- hours of staring at page upon page if you will, as for obvious reasons it me. mit it, but because I just can’t leave it filled with incomprehensible mark- was the first letter I ever had to learn Words have started to lose all sense; alone. What do you want from me, for ings. At least, they had some sort of to capitalize. And yet, despite its en- garden looks eerily similar to g α ren, vat God’s sake, I’m a physicist. We’re not significance when I first sat down, but dearing characteristics, I now hate it. becomes v = u + at, while tag involves meant to be normal. Confessions of a Bonjela addict

y first taste of S&M tongue and trying to internally french unbearable agony passed than I found volved a Gü chocolate soufflé or sex in occured about a year kiss myself with the usual face contor- myself squeezing more of the poison the missionary position, the initial pain ago - shortly after a tions necessary to accomplish such an between my gums and gritting my had died down and I would lie pros- seriously heavy night unnatural feat. Indeed, in this case, a teeth to suffer the next bout. trate as the Bonjela was rubbed into M of drinking left my direct application onto the bastards Eventually, the ulcers went but I the afflicted areas while I screamed mouth studded with ulcers. It was so was possible. Naturally I screamed found out that one could obtain similar like Christ on the cross. Eventually, my stuffed with sores, it felt like my flat- (which on the district line is perfectly effects from applying Bonjela to cook- family found out and staged an inter- mate had sneaked into my room while normal when people forget to change ing burns; not as delicate and fleshy as vention, so I had to start hiding tubes I was asleep and stuffed the Andes into at Earl’s Court) but managed to get the inside of a mouth but still intoler- of Bonjela in toilet cisterns. I became David Stewart my mouth. myself under control save for the fact ably painful. I thought it would be too so obsessed with it I was sneaking off Unusually many of these ulcers were that my eyes were pouring more water uncouth to start deliberately inflicting in my lunch hour to grab a hunk of pain right under my lip, rather than the than the Diana memorial. damage on myself so that I could douse and a pickled egg in the function room usual tucked away places somewhere The point one realises about Bonjela the injury with Bonjela, so I found at the King’s Head, where Olga the Fe- under a cheekbone. While my train is that it’s not really a medicine in the people on the internet to help me. It male German bodybuilding champion was passing through West Kensing- usual sense - it’s main purpose seems is possible, using the correct lashing would administer to me. ton station, I dutifully whipped out the to be to make the pain so unbeliev- technique - Maria, incidentally could In a few months I’d maxed out my Bonjela I’d bought from Waitrose and ably bad for ten seconds that the minor do this perfectly, Stephanie tended to cards on Bonjela but I almost certainly found that in this case, I didn’t need affliction you started with becomes go too far - to just break the skin in a would have turned to crime to finance to perform the usual demoralising welcome relief. But it’s so goddamn single place. my addiction had it not been for the ritual of squeezing half a tube onto my addictive. No sooner had one wave of After an interlude which either in- fact that I started running out of skin. Letters to Felix

should not shield him, he is undeniably Fire alarm after Felix failed a racist and it’s only a matter of time before he declares, “the south will rise fire alarm in to condemn again”. To place him on the front cover with a headline that gave the impres- Blackett and Dr Watson’s sion that he might have a point is mis- leading and an embarrassment to the Huxley comments university. While I am not suggesting that Felix supports the views of James Watson, I Dear Felix, Dear Felix, feel that the correct criticism of an individual with a deplorable worldview I've just got back from the ordeal of I was disturbed by Felix’s coverage of Dr has been pushed aside in favour of yet another fire alarm in the Huxley James Watson’s outrageous comments over-objective reporting by the news and Blackett buildings. I watched the on black people. It is disappointing section. hundreds of academics, staff and stu- the newspaper of such a diverse students standing around in the cold and I Keep the swearing to a minimum. Smoke detectors are very sensitive dent body failed to expressly criticise Yours Faithfully, thought I'd send a letter to Felix about Watson’s views or Watson himself. His how ridiculous it all is. comments were only called contro- Kadhim Shubber I can only speak for the Huxley and me "It's like Hell!" and I gave whole- case of fire then I know of some expe- versial and unsupported by scientific Blackett buildings but there seems to hearted agreement. rienced academics who just shut their evidence; I bet that he’s cowering after The Editor Tom Roberts responds on be far more fire alarms or fire drills Each time I get outside into the door and stay inside during the alarms. that verbal lashing. behalf of the authors of the article: than necessary. As a second year PhD crowd of people milling around I ask So frequent alarms are the alarms that In fact his comments are not con- student I've been turned out of the myself and others if it's a fire drill or they lead to a "boy who cried wolf" troversial, well not among reasonable The article published last week was building by fire alarms probably about an actual fire. No one ever knows. It situation. If having a hair-trigger fire minded people. A controversy only not intended to be another damning 10 or 15 times during my PhD so far turns out that sometimes it's a fire drill, alarm system means it's activated un- occurs when people disagree about article about Dr Watson. We weighed (no exaggeration). Each time there's a other times its a workman's tools mak- necessarily often then it becomes an issue, Jack Straw’s comments about up the available evidence – including repeating cycle of the shrill alarm fol- ing too much smoke, but there's never counter-productive. headscarves were controversial be- Dr Watson’s claim that he has been lowed by a calm voice saying "In the been a fire while I've been here. With Surely a better system would be to cause people disagreed about the is- misquoted – and provided a balanced interests of safety, please evacuate the that in mind I wonder why the entire have localised fire alarms which evacu- sue. There has not been a debate about article whilst exploring the relationship building", followed by another shrill population of the two buildings should ate the area near the "fire" but not the his comments because there is no between the media and casual com- blast etc, etc. be turned outside – a considerable dis- whole two buildings. Having fewer fire room for one, he is both scientifically ments made by scientists. When picking our way through the ruption, annoyance and inconvenience drills would also be a start. and ethically wrong. James Watson Even if it is apparent that the man is loudly blaring, crowded, dirty, dimly- – for no good reason. has been widely and consistently criti- a racist, the national media has had a lit basement corridors following signs If the answer is that the alarms are 2nd year PhD student cised, apart from our own publication. field day with this story and we didn’t to the fire exit, my friend shouted to testing readiness for evacuation in Somewhere in Blackett or Huxley His history as an important scientist feel the need to put boot in yet again. 6 felix Friday 16 November 2007 [email protected] Comment Is Imperial really better than MIT? Tom Jones investigates the methodology behind the THES rankings which places Imperial 5th in the world ahead of academic giants like Princeton and MIT and asks whether Imperial actually deserves its position

ast Thursday saw the release of the Times Higher Educa- tion Supplement (THES) WORLD World University Ranking L with Imperial vaulting to UNIVERSITY an enviable fifth place, placing it in the league of Oxbridge and Yale while beating the likes of such esteemed in- RANKINGS stitutions as Princeton and MIT. While the exceptional performance was a NOVEMBER 9 2007 renewed source of pride for Imperial, doubts have been cast by students as well as faculty across the board on the accuracy of the league table produced, with obvious misalignments such as the University of Hong Kong being rated higher than Stanford University and University College London placed thirteen spots above research giant University of California at Berkeley. The THES ranking, started since 2004 by education and careers company Quacquarelli Symonds (QS), ranks universities in the globe by criteria such as the opinions of academics and employers, citation count of its faculty, the make up of international students and staff as well as the ratio of staff to students, which is used as a rough met- College has lapped up news of its jump to fifth. The Rector (or one of ric to measure the quality of teaching his minions) even sent out a congratulatory email to everyone in universities. This year witnessed a major reshuffling in THES due to the implementation of Z-scores – meas- detailed inspection of the overall rank- backbone of THES. One cannot help uring the amount of deviation from ing saw 7th ranked Caltech and 19th thinking why international academics the average instead of using absolute ranked Stanford University as the only would like to cite American research- scores as were for previous years – and two universities in the table of top 200 ers so profusely while at the same time this had the effect of preventing sin- to be assigned a perfect citation per refuse to vote for them with zeal. gular exceptionally good performers faculty score of 100, while Imperial, The standard of checking data and from depressing scores of all other in- which came in 5th, scored an unenvi- information is also dubious. Last year, stitutions in that measure, such as LSE able 81. CNNMoney/Fortune published a top for “international students”. Similarly, the tables for individual MBA ranking by QS, only to withdraw A huge distinguishing factor of THES disciplines, such as Natural Sciences, it hastily and embarrassingly after rev- from another frequently cited ranking, Biomedicine, Technology, Social Sci- elations that the ranking did not dis- The cover of the guide that places Imperial five spots higher than MIT the Academic Ranking of World Uni- ence and Arts and Humanities, also tinguish between North Carolina State versity produced by the Shanghai Jiao- saw huge discrepancies between peer University and the more esteemed tong University in China, is the number review scores and citation count. In Kenan-Flagler Business School of the fund at an excess of 100 times that which leads to the obvious suggestion of non-American schools making to general, American universities are University of North Carolina. In addi- of Durham, it is not at all surprising of a steep British bias. Although the the top echelons of the table. While the graded far more harshly by peer- tion, until recently, the THES famously that the top institutions in the United THES enjoyed extensive reporting by Shanghai Jiaotong, which was cited by reviewers than their citations might misspelled University of Peking as States remain a league of their own by British as well as newspapers in Com- Economist, focuses on solid indicators suggest. For example, in the table for University of Beijing for three years in citation count. monwealth countries like Singapore, such as citation count and Nobel priz- Biomedicine, while the National Uni- a row. There is also a worry that it may be Malaysia and India, it was hardly es, the peer-review system remained versity of Singapore is placed at the Amongst other controversial meas- a shameless effort by the THES to gain noticed by newspapers across the central to the methodology of THES. 12th spot above California Institute ures used by THES is how the percent- audience share by appealing to inter- Atlantic. Of questionable validity is the way of Technology at 23rd place, its cita- age of international students in a uni- national institutions. Oxbridge and While the efforts taken to compile a “peer review” was conducted. Of the tion count is a mere 4.4, a far-cry from versity has to do with its actual quality. London colleges have been edging up true and fair table for students should 190,000 academics that were emailed Caltech’s 10.4, which incidentally, is While the THES believes that the abil- the table year on year in THES. While be applauded, it is unlikely that the a request to complete their online sur- only second to MIT’s 11.3 (9th place). ity to attract foreign students reflects there may be real improvement in ac- essence of any university can be en- vey last year, only 1,600 responded, Such glaring gulf between peer review a university’s quality, it is known that tual quality, moving up nine places capsulated merely by statistics on a ta- which represented a response rate of scores and the actual citation measured some uncompetitive universities in (Imperial) in the window of 3 years is ble. Nevertheless, we can only expect an astonishingly low 0.8%. cast huge doubt to the validity of the Australia, for example, have an open highly dubious and represents more league tables to continue to be part of To add to the woes for peer review, a whole peer review system, which is the door admission policy to foreign stu- of a change in ranking methodologies the educational reality. dents which accept basically school- than anything else. In the employer dropouts and come packaged with a review section, the University of Man- You can see the complete THES foundation course in addition to the chester is ranked higher by employers World Ranking 2007 online at THES University World Rankings degree programme. In such case, for- than Stanford, Princeton and MIT, www.thes.co.uk eign students are only viewed as cash cows, not a hallmark of academic ex- 07 06 University cellence. In addition, elite private universities in the United States are known The THES vx. Shanghai Jiaotong 1 1Harvard University to cap their international admission to roughly 7% and public ones at 2%. The THES Shanghai Jiaotong 2 2University of Cambridge criteria of measuring the presence of international students look biased if • Produced by company QS • Produced by Shanghai = 3University of Oxford these policies are implemented. that publishes other league Jiaotong University in China Supporters of THES are likely to tables like top MBA, top • Has a noted science bias = 4=Yale University highlight that weighing universities graduate etc. • Cited by the Economist merely by means of citation and No- • Popular among magazine 5 9Imperial College, London bel Prizes alone are likely to be inac- Commonwealth countries • Citation index and Nobel curate. For one, there is the likelihood but hardly reported in Prize central to ranking 6 10Princeton University of American researchers citing each American newspapers • Ranks Cambridge 4th and other, and with the number of US uni- • Peer review central to Peking outside of the top 7 7California Institute of Technology versities, the American schools are ranking 200 likely to enjoy an unfair advantage • Ranks Cambridge 2nd and • American universities = 11Univeristy of Chicago over their competitors. However, well Peking (China) 36th occupy 17 out of the top 20 endowed schools are likely to attract • American universities places 9 25 University College, London the best academics and fund meaning- occupy 12 out of the top 20 ful research, and with American giants places 10 4= Massachusetts Institute of Technology like Princeton owning an endowment Friday 16 November 2006 felix 7

Welfare Email Nigel on [email protected] Welfare Editors – Nigel Cooke and Kirsty Patterson Email Kirsty on [email protected] How to get your rent deposit back Is your landlord protecting your deposit? This week Felix has advice on how to make sure you get it back

Nigel Cooke dent to initiate. The great thing about Student Advisor the schemes nowadays is that there is no need to take disputes to the small At the advice centre, one of the most claims court. frequent enquiries we receive is to do Those of you who have moved into with housing rights. Within this broad private properties need to ask your topic, by far the most popular enquiry landlord if they have put your deposit is to do with landlords keeping a stu- into a scheme and request proof of this. dent’s deposit unfairly. So, how can you The Information and Advice Centre get it back? The IAC helps you build has kindly drawn up some important up an argument and in some cases this points for you to keep in mind when may go to the small claims court. signing an assured shorthold tenancy The Tenancy Deposit Scheme has after 6th April 2007: now been up and running since April 2007 so anyone who has moved into 1. Insist on your landlord drawing up a property after this date, with an as- an inventory. This is a piece of paper sured shorthold tenancy, their land- which will have the condition of eve- lord should be protecting their de- rything in the property on the date you posit through a government approved move in. It will make it easier to decide scheme. the condition of furniture and the like If a landlord chooses not to do this when you move out. and is reported then it is possible that the tenant could be awarded 3 times 2. Ensure that your landlord is part of the amount of deposit they have paid. the scheme and don’t take any excuse So what does all this mean for the aver- or explanation as to why they are not. age private student tenant? Well, hope- If you have questions or are not sure fully, this article will answer some of whether your landlord should be part your questions. of the scheme please contact The In- Landlords’ are able to choose from formation and Advice Centre. two types of scheme, one is a single- custodial scheme. This is where the 3. In the scheme, when the landlord landlord pays the full amount of the and tenant are agreed on the amount deposit into the scheme. At the end to be paid to the tenant, this must be An inventory can stop your landlord from screwing you over of the tenancy, and if both parties paid back within 10 days. This is the agree to the amount of money being same if there is a dispute and a deci- paid back, the scheme will refund the sion has been made. If a landlord fails to comply with this rule then further agreed amount to the tenant. If there is Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 a disagreement, then a dispute resolu- action can be taken. tion service will step in at no extra cost to solve the disagreement. 4. For any assured shorthold tenancy The second type of scheme is an that is signed before April 6th 2007, the insurance-based scheme, where the tenancy deposit scheme will not apply. Challenge the Sabbs tenant pays a security deposit to the It is only those assured shorthold ten- landlord but in this case the landlord ancies that are signed after this date retains the deposit and pays a premium that will be part of the scheme. Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 Round 2 to the scheme. If there is a dispute, the landlord will legally have to hand over This scheme is a massive change to the full deposit to the scheme until the the way that landlords used to conduct situation is resolved. If the landlord their business in the past. The scheme doesn’t comply and a decision is made may be able to have a massive impact in favour of the tenant, then the insur- on students as tenants, however this Inspirational. ance payments will cover this. will mean nothing if students are not These schemes are all run by private aware of the scheme so I would ask an- companies but the key difference from yone reading this to pass the word on the way deposits were held in the past or show people this article if you feel is that there is now an independent your landlord is not protecting your dispute resolution service. In the past, deposit. it could take weeks of arguing with a landlord before a court case was taken Please contact the IAC for further to a small claims court. This could of- advice by emailing Nigel Cooke ten be costly and intimidating for a stu- on [email protected]

Round 2 is coming: Jousting on bicycles. Sabbs vs. RAG. Dalby Court, Tuesday at 12pm. It’s time for revenge.

Taking your landlord to court can be quite daunting 8 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Politics Politics Editor – Li-Teck Lau [email protected] Myanmar – update on a traversty The world fails to act against a repressive military regime whilst its people protest for change

Kadhim Shubber

This year protests by monks in Burma put the international spotlight on this Southeast Asian country. The last time action like this occurred was in 1988 and with terrible results; over 3,000 people were killed. Well since the spotlight is on, let’s examine this nation with a confused name, dictatorial military rulers and a people mired in poverty. I guess we should start with the protests. At the height of the unrest, between 50,000 and 100,000 people were marching in the streets of Rangoon – the capital of Burma. A quick look at the numbers should highlight an important fact. While 1 million protested in the UK against the Iraq war, only a Monks have taken to the streets in protest of the Military junta which has run the country into economic ruin tenth protested in Burma for freedom. The reason is that as a poor, rural society it is difficult to mobilise large to expel the UN’s top diplomat and parliamentary democracy. There was tiom are actively practicing Buddhists. In Myanmar, there is a monastery in groups of people but more importantly western sanctions continue to have no ethnic strife from the start; Burma has As I mentioned early the most likely every village and even those who are many people fear a response similar to effect on a country who has trade links around 136 different ethnic groups. cause of the protests is economic. The not career monks have probably spent the bloody crackdown in 1988. What primarily with Russia, China, India Democracy survived until 1962 when Burmese people are frustrated that the a short time in their lives in a Monas- started these protests as in 1988 was and Thailand. Burma is a country rich General Ne Win held power until military junta has failed to provide ba- tery. There are around 500,000 monks not discontent at dictatorial rule – of in natural resources such as timber and 1988. Throughout this period, there sic services. While it spends 40 percent in Burma and they are completely re- course this helps – but primarily eco- gas, and the growing economies of East were no free elections, and freedom of it’s budget on the military less than liant on the handouts of the people. nomic hardship. The government in- Asia are more interested in strong eco- of expression and association were 0.5 percent of GDP goes into educa- Donating to a monk earns you spiritual creased the price of fuels, resulting nomic ties than the spread of democ- almost entirely denied. With the 1988 tion and, and despite being one of the credit and so the refusal of a monk to in a knock on increase in the price of racy. Russia in fact plans to sell a nu- protests General Ne Win resigned and most HIV-infected Asian countries, it accept a handout is essentially denying other goods such as food and public clear reactor to Burma. U.S. sanctions the military junta took over proper. spends only 0.17 percent of GDP on you spiritual advancement. Therefore transport. The people drew confidence continue to be ineffective because of Without being too vague, things have healthcare. Human rights abuses are the decision of the monks to refuse from the participation of monks, who the trade with Asian countries and continued much the same as they have widespread and include the following all handouts from the military was hold a revered position within Bur- have simply resulted in a lack of lever- from 1962 to this day. During the 1988 Forced labour. The Red Cross says extremely powerful – remember the mese society. Fortunately the govern- age over Burma. The only hope for in- protests, Aung San Suu Kyi rose to that there are about 90 prison and la- military is also devoutly Buddhist. The ment response was not as bloody as in ternational pressure is through China, prominence as the leader of the main bour camps in the country. monks have a history of political activ- 1988 but there have been thousands of Myanmar is “essentially a client state opposition party, the National League Sexual violence. The military’s use of ism stretching back to the 19th century arrests and although there are no exact of China,” says Mathea Falco, chair of for Democracy (NLD). When the mili- sexual violence has increased dramati- monarchy of Burma. They then acted figures the death toll is thought to be the 2003 CFR Independent Task Force tary junta held elections in 1990 she cally. Refugees International says that as intermediaries between monarchy much higher than the military’s figure on Myanmar. But with President Hu of gained 82 percent of the vote. However rape is systemically used against ethnic and public and in the last 100 years of 9. China recently stating that economic the military ignored the results of the communities. they have been at the forefront of pro- The Western international commu- development is the primary aim of the elections and tightened their grip on Child Soldiers. Burma has the largest test against unpopular authorities such nity was quick to condemn the Bur- Chinese government, it is unlikely that power. It was the military junta that number of child soldiers (under the age as the British and the military junta. mese government and call for democ- international pressure on the military changed the name from Burma to My- of 18). Human Rights Watch said that However, it is always good to re- racy in Burma however there is little junta will have any effect. anmar – something that the U.S. and there were about 70,000 child soldiers member that no dictatorship survives evidence that they have any effect in After gaining independence from the U.K. do not recognize. in 2002, most of them forcibly recruit- without the consent of a significant this isolated state. Burma has chosen British Empire in 1948 Burma was a 90 percent of the Burmese popula- ed. proportion of the population. The political week summarised very quickly

Li-Teck Lau try’s transport system on the day that stan, where there are fears of greater ria Arroyo promised to crack down on due to conflicts in Iraq and Afghani- Politics Editor Eurostar trains began running from radicalisation. the organisation also believed to be stan, and threatens only to accept the London’s refurbished St Pancras Sta- behind the bombing of a ferry in 2004 US$50b hike on condition of Ameri- The French may be on strike, but mili- tion. The substantial engineering Bomb blast outside Philippine which killed over 100. can withdrawal by December 2008. tia across the world don’t have unions. project will shave 20 minutes off the Congress So while France stands still, the politi- average London to Paris journey time. Teenagers and credit cards A concern for NATO cal clock ticks on. Combating terrorism in the UK Fickle French Workers Prime Minister Gordon Brown an- nounced new security measures for Britain’s potential key infrastructure targets including airports, railway sta- tions and hospitals against physical terrorist attack. It comes months after Manila sees separatist activity The USS Kitty Hawk on training a Jeep ploughed into Glasgow Airport, causing a large fireball. Brown has also A bomb exploded outside the Con- In an embarrassment to the US navy, a Transport workers go on strike allocated £400m for combating Islam- gress building in Manila, capital of the Chinese type 039 submarine surfaced ist propaganda in states such as Paki- Philippines, on Tuesday killing 3 in- Bush in trouble over budget undetected within torpedo range of Transport and energy unions took a cluding Wahab Akbar, who is thought the USS Kitty Hawk, an aircraft car- day off work on Wednesday in pro- to have been the target. The member US President George Bush ridiculed rier, during exercises near Taiwan. test of President Sarkozy’s planned of the House of Representatives “was Congress for “acting like a teenager The diesel-electric powered subma- reform of the pension system. Indus- getting threats from many groups” ac- with a credit card” before vetoing rine is extremely quiet, and managed tries deemed ‘dangerous’ and ‘hard’ cording to police chief Geary Barias. a spending bill which apportioned to manoeuvre between the substan- after World War II such as work in Akbar, a Muslim and prominent sup- US$10b more than the White House tial fleet arranged to safeguard the coal plants and the metro system porter of the peace process in the approved of for education, labour and aircraft carrier. Chinese military were awarded ‘special pensions’. The predominately Christian country, has health. The Democrats, who won the strategists are keen to build up naval government today estimates its cost been accused of arranging the behead- house at the last mid term elections, strength to counterbalance US domi- to be an extra 500m Euros pa. The ing of 10 marines by Islamic Separatist highlight the comparison with the nance of the Pacific and what it sees as strike will cripple much of the coun- Tightened security at airports movement Abu Sayyaf. President Glo- large increase in the military budget its backyard. Friday 16 November 2007 felix 9 [email protected] Politics Immigration and multiculturalism Kadhim Shubber comments on multicultural Britain; a cohesive society or just segregation?

“We found that a level of segregation actually seems to improve the lot of people living in areas that are segregated along religious self-identity lines,” said the author, Professor Allan Brimicombe. In the short term then some groups do in fact benefit from this segregation; however the findings indicated Mus- lims were more likely to be “trapped” in deprived areas and less likely to forge links with other groups living around them. Despite this report, in the long-term, segregation contributes to the ill health of society and as a result multiculturalism becomes a destructive force rather than what it should be; a positive force. Evidence of this segregation is all around us; education and housing has become intensely divided. For example, In Blackburn, there are many overwhelmingly white schools - St Bede’s Roman Catholic High (96.3 per cent white). The segregation is matched on the other side of the ra- cial divide. At Beardwood High, 94.5 per cent of pupils are Asian. Only one school in the borough reflects the ethnic breakdown of a community whose The Union Jack has long been the symbol of Britishness population is 70.5 per cent white and 26.5 percent Asian. This lack of contact between communities from the t’s fair to say that the politics barriers. beginning of a person’s life means section has been pretty much Now that we’ve identified what we that division and discrimination is devoid of national stories. We’ve are talking about, suddenly the ques- the norm from an early age. Separate had a look at the situation in tion of whether multiculturalism is communities are growing up along- I Iran, Pakistan and Russia and good or bad is less relevant. It is obvi- side each other with little or any com- found that things aren’t fantastic. But ous that it can be good or bad and a mon point of reference. This is only what’s been going on in the UK this last more important question is what kind one example of segregation, there are month? Now that we’re back I think it’s of multiculturalism do we have today many more particularly in housing time to cast an eye over, what I believe in Britain? If we restrict our vision and but what is important is that it is this to be, the most important topic in 21st regard Imperial as a sort of multicul- kind of de facto segregation – which century Britain. I’m talking about mul- tural society then it is clear that it is was and still is present in the U.S. with ticulturalism, what does it mean, is it good multiculturalism. People from regards to black people – that dooms Segregation often starts in Britain’s schools good or bad and what’s the future of multiculturalism. multiculturalism as we move further People of British origin fall into the into this new century? “At Beardwood trap of xenophobia as a result of this UK, the radicalization of disaffected Immigrants to this country of- Before we investigate the issue of segregation, Parts of towns which 20 youths and the politicization of Islam. ten come from proud cultural back- multiculturalism, we must first be sure High, 94.5 years ago had white residents now are Hostility towards the police and other grounds, how can we ask them to en- about what we’re talking about. The inhabited by persons with different official institutions is always a signal gage and integrate into a culture whose best way of defining this word is to use percent of pupils skin colour and culture, and this causes of societal ill-health and certainly this greatest achievements are Harry Potter it as an adjective; a multicultural state resentment. There is a sense that their is true of certain parts of the Muslim and chips? There’s a reason why many is one in which people from different are Asian” national identity is under attack by for- community living in Britain today. immigrants consider being British as a cultural backgrounds live together eigners who are not willing to embrace The question that inevitably leads secondary identity and it’s because of and maintain a healthy dialogue which different cultural backgrounds mix, as- English-speaking culture. Add to this from this conclusion of the state of this one question, what am I linking averts tension. It is a state where peo- sociate and certainly do live together. mixture the unique occurrence of in- multiculturalism in Britain today is myself with when I say I’m British? Is ple do not live in isolated communities We benefit from meeting people from ternational terrorism in the 21st cen- whose fault is it? How have we found it a nation that is proud of its history and they share common ground for different cultural backgrounds and tury then it hard to see the positives of ourselves in this regretful situation? or one that regularly puts the sensi- instance language. I should perhaps be learning from them. multiculturalism. There are two paths that lead to a di- bilities of other cultures in front of it’s more precise; I have defined here what Now if we expand our vision, we do If we turn this around then we find vided society, one is discrimination by long-standing traditions, am I part of multiculturalism is when it works, not find the same to be the case when pretty much the same situation. Immi- the dominant group within society and a prestigious club or a country where when it plays a positive role in soci- looking at the UK in general. All over grants feel that they are coming into a the other is the lack of a unifying thread the question “What do you do if you ety. On the other hand I might look at the country communities are increas- society that is hostile to them. There- connecting all those within society. By spill someone’s pint in a pub” appears multiculturalism when it is damaging. ingly divided by race and religion. But fore they are pushed and pulled into discrimination I mean in this case, rac- on the citizenship test; unfortunately Here we have a society where people this point isn’t exactly a revelation and segregated communities, which acts ism against ethnic minorities and a the answer to both these questions are from different cultural backgrounds neither is it necessarily harmful to only to increase suspicion and mistrust. lack of tolerance towards other faiths. the latter. live in isolated communities. There society in general. In London 25% of Through segregated schooling this Certainly this exists in Britain today. We have over-accommodated other is mistrust that is fuelled by racism residents live in religiously segregated mindset is reinforced. In particular the Islamophobia is disguised as concern cultures at the expense of our own and suspicions of racism, a perceived areas according to a study by the Uni- Muslim community experiences this for national security and the battle and the result has not been a society theft of national identity and language versity of East London. as a result of the foreign policy of the against ‘political correctness’ often de- where lots of different peoples live in scends into Daily Mail style intolerance harmony. Instead we live in a divided in the name of ‘common sense’. country, where different cultures live However this is not the reason why in isolation. This isolation will only British society is increasingly divided. grow worse generation by genera- It is only a reaction to it. The absence tion. We must act now and encourage of a unifying thread running through dialogue between communities. We society is in fact the real reason why we must act to desegregate schooling and are so separated. I should be clear what fight discrimination within national I mean when I say a ‘unifying thread’. institutions. I mean something that connects all of We must fight the poverty that traps us, something substantial. Language certain ethnic and religious groups at is an obvious thread that connects us the bottom of society and most im- but it is not strong enough to hold to- portantly we must lead by example gether a divided society that increas- and show other cultures that we are ingly speaks many different languages. proud of our heritage, our history and A strong British identity is notoriously our traditions. Only then will we work absent today; ask a person what it towards a unified society where people means to be British they will most like- of all cultures and ethnic backgrounds The Nottinghill Carnival celebrates the diversity of culture in the UK ly reply with an apathetic grunt. will say with pride ‘I am British’. 10 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] The LHC: Microscope or telescope? John Ellis thinks it might be both. Not only will it tell us about the Higgs Boson, but by investigating super- symmetry it may shed light on the dark matter thought to influence the largest structures of our universe

Edmund Henley Science Editor

The Large Hadron Collider, or LHC, due to start operations at CERN next May has received enough coverage for many of you to be aware of its principle aim: the search for the Higgs boson. Doubtless you’ll also know that it is this particle which is thought to be responsible for providing mass to all the other particles found in the zoo of the standard model. However, what may not be so familiar is that though the LHC is probing the very smallest scales of the universe, it will also be providing a wealth of information relevant to cosmologists ex- amining the very largest, telling them about the structure and history of the universe as a whole. John Ellis nimbly straddled the gulf between these two extremes at his lecture in the Great Hall on Tuesday, explaining what he thought the funda- mental questions were at both scales, and outlining how this new accelerator, as much a telescope as a microscope, might be able to resolve many of them. Tackling the small side first, he introduced the Higgs boson using David Miller’s well-known analogy of a celebrity (say Einstein) moving through a cocktail party – the party apparently being a decent representation of the Here is a picture with somebody pictured in it hubbub of particles present in seemingly empty space. Much as people clustering round the celebrity impede his motion and provide him with an effectively heavier ‘mass’, a standard- model particle moving through the The search for the ‘God Particle’ at the LHC goes on in tunnels like the one above, which lead to chambers so vast they can only be described as Higgs field (which permeates all space, cathedrals to science. There’s a long waiting list, but it’s well worth booking up ahead to see this marvel if you’re passing through Geneva and is linked to the Higgs boson) is also slowed from light-speed by its interaction with this field, gaining mass in the the universe to matter as we know it – ing dark matter are the massive equiv- As many versions of SUSY lead quite microwave background radiation, and process. There were tantalising clues in the rest is in the form of cold dark mat- alents to the standard model particles, naturally to dark matter, they may well also seen in the universe today. the last days of the LEP experiment that ter (29%) or the even more mysterious predicted by the theory of super-sym- explain why the matter in galaxies ap- Better understanding of this latter the Higgs boson may have been seen, dark energy (67%). Trying to explain metry, or SUSY. Though these ‘sparti- pears to be distributed utterly unlike topic should be forthcoming, with the but only a more careful search with the the universe without an understand- cles’ have not yet been incontrovertibly the motion of those galaxies would imminent launch of the Planck satellite, LHC is likely to find the Higgs directly, ing of these last two is hopeless; fortu- seen in any colliders, he thinks they suggest – dark matter is required to but Prof. Ellis’ message – that the LHC or to place stronger limits on its energy nately Ellis believes that sifting through stand a chance of being indirectly ob- explain this motion. Further causes for contribution is not restricted to the than the official LEP results. the torrents of data flowing from the served by LHC – an departure from the present size and structure of the very small – means much understand- Careful is an understatement when LHC (coining a new unit, equivalent energy being carried out by normal universe may come from ripples in an ing of the universe will in fact be gained it comes to looking for evidence of to finding a needle in a haystack, he particles equally in all directions might analogue to the Higgs field, the ‘infla- by looking inwards instead of out. physics relevant at the other end of the quoted the task as being on the order suggest energy has been carried out by ton’ field. ‘Valleys’ in this rippled field scale. The concordance model of the of 100,000 haystacks) might provide an unobservable dark-energy particle would have attracted matter, leading For more on the LHC book to see universe settled on by astrophysicists just this. in such a way as to have preserved the to the denser regions observed in the Jim Virdee’s lecture on the 21st – and cosmologists ascribes only 4% of Some of the contenders for explain- isotropic distribution. early universe by the WMAP cosmic go to IC’s Events page for details. Our Island Story, or How the Island Rule to come to an End (best beloved)

Imran Khan Back in 2003 a bunch of anthropolo- ticular ‘just-so’ story might also be less Carnivores did seem to get smaller, gists discovered some fossils of mini- than accurate. while rodents and artiodactyls – that’s Women like pink because their eyes people, which were eventually nick- Previous studies which backed up the ungulates like cattle, pigs and camels, had to get used to finding similarly col- named ‘hobbits’ and given their own Island Rule ended up being criticised not flying dinosaurs – got bigger, but oured berries when we were all hunter- species in 2005; Homo floresiensis, or for numerous reasons. Some used un- there was no overall trend for small gatherers. Kids don’t like eating their ‘Man of Flores’. reliable indicators of size, looked at is- animals to become giants or big ones greens because they’ve evolved to be Flores is a small island in the Indone- lands that were too big, or compared to shrink. In the paper “The island wary of potentially toxic plants. Blood sian archipelago, and its fossilised hob- giant or dwarf animals with related an- rule: made to be broken?” published in is red because it signals danger when bits are meant to be a prime example imals on the mainland that turned out Proc. Royal Soc. B last week, the team spilled! of the Island Rule. Others include tiny to be not particularly related at all. point out that the hobbit-men of Flores ‘Just-so’ stories seem to be every- elephants weighing in at just 100 kilos, So Dr Meiri and her team rounded up shared the island with full-sized Stego- where in evolutionary theory some- and enormous rats. The idea is that on records of numerous different papers don, not miniature ones. times; it’s one of the main criticisms of sufficiently small islands, small mam- on island mammal sizes and filtered It’s always worth speculating on our natural selection from the Intelligent mals have fewer predators, so evolve to them for studies that met their strict history, but as these findings have Design camp. The trouble is that these grow larger, whereas big animals don’t criteria, before doing a meta-analysis shown, there’s bound to be dangers in stories are popular because often they have enough food, so become smaller on the whole lot. They found that there over-simplifying things. Like anything do seem to make sense, and it’s diffi- over successive generations. was indeed some significant evidence we learn about biology, a mammal’s cult to prove them wrong. Kind of makes sense, but a new study of size change on islands, but it didn’t size is due to a complex interplay of One of the less absurd ones is The led by Dr Shai Meiri has produced seem to be related to the original size thousands of factors – whether it’s on Island. The Rule would predict Island Rule. Remember the Hobbit? findings which suggest that this par- of the particular creature. an island or not. some pretty big animals - wrong? Friday 16 November 2007 felix 11 [email protected] Science My favourite fn machine: fragging peptides at the Kennedy Institute

Flora Graham the amino acid bonds. Each fragment has a charge and each Last week we went through the key- kind of amino acid molecule has a dif- hole to visit the coolest machine at Im- ferent mass, and so the Q-TOF spec- perial, which operates just above abso- trometer can use an electric field to lute zero. This week, our trip to find shoot the fragments at a detector: the the epic machines hidden from view in lighter they are, the faster they’ll go. Imperial labs takes us to the Kennedy This is the TOF in Q-TOF; it stands Institute on the Charing Cross cam- for “time-of-flight.” The detector spits pus, where they are ripping apart the out the results to a PC where Robin very threads of life itself. Wait, a Senior Lecturer who operates Like so much of the world’s coolest the machine, can recognise the mass scientific equipment, the Q-TOF mass peaks that indicate the composition of spectrometer is found deep in the the peptides. bowels of the Institute’s basement. But The team has to make large volumes that isn’t always the best place to keep a of cells because the Q-TOF spectrome- £300,000 machine. “It’s one of the most ter isn’t that efficient. This requirement expensive bits of kit that we have here,” for large samples means that they can’t says Matthew Peirce, a Research Asso- use human tissue – for example, a pa- ciate at the Institute, “but every once tient’s cells – for the analysis. Instead, in a while we have sewage coming up they use mouse cells, as these can be through the floor down here.” grown in quantity. In fact, they will Peirce and his team are investigating keep growing, even in a dish, as long cell signalling, which means that they as you feed them, and someone has are trying to figure out what exactly to come in on weekends to keep them happens when cells respond to a signal, fed and separate their overcrowded such as a bacterial toxin. They want to colonies. know what’s going on at the molecu- Even with this prodigious volume lar level, and which proteins are being of cells, the samples analysed by the produced inside the cell. Q-TOF spectrometer are of low con- The best way to find out what’s in- centration, and there is a high risk of side something, as any five-year-old contamination with keratin – human or particle physicist will tell you, is to skin or hair cells from the researchers smash it into pieces. So the research in the lab, or even animal cells. “No team makes a vat of mouse cell pep- woollen clothing is allowed,” says Wait. tides, and then pops them into the “You have to make sure that back- Q-TOF spectrometer, where they are ground levels are below what you are sprayed out as an ionized gas. Accel- interested in.” erate the ions through an electric cur- Peirce laughs, “Robin spends most rent, smash them into gas molecules, of his time analysing my dandruff.” A and they conveniently break apart at hair-raising prospect indeed. The Q-TOF mass spectrometer is ideal for those with a penchant for shiny bits of kit. £300,000 ono SPECIAL STUDENT OFFER SAVE 50%

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Bit of a head-scratcher – if you’re not stringent about contamination, OR GO ONLINE www.newscientist.com/s/3376 you could end up analysing dandruff rather than mouse cell peptides 12 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Culture & Arts Editors – Mike Cook, Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight and David Paw Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] One grrr-eat photograph exhibition... really moo-ving

Caz Knight Rosie Grayburn reports on animal art – apologies for the title... it was all too easy Arts Editor ever, ever go near the Then you reach the first photograph elcome to my sec- South Kensington muse- and get lost in its character and gener- ond instalment ums at half term. Unless al wow-factor. Each individual shot has here as Arts Editor, you have an armoured been crafted beautifully, whether it was no doubt you will N buggy or a cavalry of a moment apprehended for months or W have missed me as toddlers or small children preceding, a spontaneous movement. much as I have missed providing with you will have little chance of survival. What really strikes you as you move you with some creative respite. My col- Tried and tested child-avoidance tac- at a snail’s pace around the portraits leagues have been doing a fabulous job tics include steering clear of giant di- and landscape, is the energy and pain the last few weeks- Arts Felix is a nosaur skeletons at all costs. Or, you tience that has gone into each one. delight to behold each week! Before I could hide in the Shell Wildlife Pho- There are small vignettes from each regale you with some of what is going tographer of the Year Exhibition. That’s photographer’s experience under eve- on in the Arts world beyond the con- what I did, and I lived to tell the tale. ry picture. Here is a flavour of what to fines of South Kensington, let me first Now in its 43rd year, the Shell Wild- expect: “This phenomenon only hap- inform you of some great art-sy hap- life Photographer of the Year Competi- pens every other millennia. I waited penings at IC. tion is going from strength to strength. in this bush for 12 years, eating only One of the finest university orches- It is now undoubtedly the single most small grubs and with my camera lenses tras in the country, the IC Symphony successful wildlife photography con- as my only friends until this moment Orchestra is having its Christmas Term test in the world and photographers occurred.” And my God is it worth it. concert next Friday, 23rd November at from every country imaginable, ama- Some pieces make you laugh out 8pm in the Great Hall, Sherfield Build- teur and professional, take their [rather loud. The picture of a bear rising out of ing. Its 90 players, including violin expensive] cameras across the globe, the water made me giggle. It had such soloist Lukas Medlam and conductor capturing wildlife at its most beautiful a Russian face and with so much char- Richard Dickins, will provide soothing and unusual. acter, too. His face made me think of relief from any stress you may be ex- The UK population is divided into someone called Vladimir perhaps, who periencing on account of work, exams two herds, in my opinion: those who is really pissed off because he can’t find or the ever-shortening days. For those enjoy watching wildlife programmes his breakfast vodka. Another comic stress-free, it will only add to your and those who would rather, quite was the frog in ‘A Meal of a Worm’ who good spirits. Works of Gershwin, Bar- frankly, have their balls removed with was chomping away at the worm the ber (composer of the famous Adagio a blunt blade than endure watching a same size as his head. He was clearly for Strings), Britten and Rachmaniov. hairier version of themselves swing nonplussed at this fact and just kept on Ben Osbourne’s Elephantine Encounter Art, sex and science. Three intrinsi- about in some trees and mate. If you chewing at that massive, juicy, squirm- cally linked themes rife in this week’s are in the latter group, I recommend ing worm. Yum. Arts section. While it is hard to talk you try out this exhibition. Give it a go Obviously to keep with current this category was an extremely pow- patient photographers were trying to about science as if it is one subject (it and you will be pleasantly surprised. It trends, there is a new category to this erful image of a shadow of a jet-plane remind us who we shared our planet is in fact about a thousand subjects really is for everyone. Even you there. year’s competition – The One Earth fuming across a full moon - a haunt- with. Wildlife is a beautiful treasure we put under one umbrella term), sex is You enter the gallery with a rather award. Pictures entered into this cat- ingly beautiful reminder of our all- shouldn’t let perish. City life can make pretty important to science- well to bi- ominous looking queue of people cir- egory had to highlight in a thought- powerful presence over this planet. us forget there is more to life than ology anyway. It is the basis of life and culating round the photographs and provoking and memorable way, man’s I really found solace in this exhibi- bricks and mortar, so I urge you to take without it, none of us would be here. you think, “Ug, what a boring lot of interaction with the natural world and tion and I was quite moved when I time out of your busy urban lives and Now that I have stated the obvious let losers looking at each photo for AGES”. our dependence on it. The winner of realised that these very talented and visit this spectacular exhibition. us move on. Sex, this critical part of science, has been and will ever be one of the most potent inspirational points for Art. This is explored only too well in the Barbican’s current set of events in which Seduced: Art and sex from Antiquity to Now is a part. Now how are art and science linked? The exhibition, reviewed in this section, features the photographs of the Kingsley Insti- tute which were used to study sexual habits and behaviour over the course of several decades. A seemingly scientific research is present in an artistic context. Fleur Adcock’s poem The Last Queen Among the Astronomers encompasses science, sex and art as it tells of a woman vain in her attempts to sequester the attention of die-hard astronomers. One of the events laid on by the Barbican is Sexual Liberation and the Impact of the Pill which takes place on Thursday 29th November. The is hosted by the co-curator of the exhibition and also the co-creator of the Pill, Prof. Carl Djerassi of Stanford University and sounds highly interesting from an artistic and highly scientific point of view. At only three pounds for tickets, it seems a shame to miss out. The Shell Wildlife exhibition bridges the gap between art and science and is reviewed here by our other arts editor, Rosie Grayburn. Poem of the week is Leda by Carol Ann Duffy, inspired by Seduced. We also get a glimpse into the goings on of the IC Musical Theatre‘s upcoming production. Bear Necessities: A Teddy Bear’s picnic is the last thing on Sergey Gorshkov’s mind Friday 16 November 2007 felix 13 [email protected] Arts Musical Theatre Society is brilliant The Director of this winter’s MTSoc Revue Ali Salehi-Reyhani tells us a little bit about sex. Haha got you looking! You filthy sleaze. The Revue, The Rise and Fall of Dave Sullivan is reviewed henceforth...

very year a society sets out There’s a revolt amongst the cast, an- to do something spectacular. gered at their embarrassment, erupt- As far as how many times we ing into a rather horrid lambasting of do it in a year, Musical The- Dave and his fellow techies. Within E atre Soc is rather studly. We Dave though, something is sparked, an wow you not once, not twice but thrice! almost maniacal desire to conquer the Yes thrice, it’s a word you should use frontstage. There, he will be revered more often, perhaps more than thrice. and he will know fame. This fuels the Rehearsals are already steaming ahead rise and, quite literal, fall of Mr Sulli- for our first spectacular performances van and all his friends. They include of the winter term. MTSoc doesn’t go a closet lesbian who just can’t live a lie and watch the shows. No, no. We cre- anymore after her lifelong boyfriend ate and perform them. Filling up our Bob reveals his inner desires to be a little lungs and unleashing full blown transvestite- no musical production entertainment upon those of you who would be complete without a man in come to see us. women’s panties now would it? Love, The Revue, which goes out on the heartbreak and even death are no 2nd and 3rd of December, is an ensem- strangers in this tale. We’ve woven ble of our favourite songs from some some morals into the narrative and we very different musicals, indeed. It’s even have a message of tolerance and called The Rise & Fall of David Sulli- one towards forward-thinking. That van. We’ll be performing classics from said, if you’re going to get your morals the likes of Fame, Chicago and Rent to from a 90 minute-long musical which the more outrageous Avenue Q and is ripe with gay jokes, then you really Wicked. Having a soft spot for all things do need to shoot yourself. cheesy, there’s a place for Grease and So come and witness our most ambi- High School Musical too. The story re- tious Revue yet at the Union Concert volves around our titular techie, David Hall (Beit Quad) at 7:30pm on the 2nd Sullivan. For those of you wondering & 3rd December. It’s free and all funds what techies are, they’re the backstage raised will be donated to the Children handy-folk who rig sets, sort out light- with Aids charity. ing and are a pretty essential bunch of any production team. That said, they Go and see the Revue on the 2nd are seldom seen, seldom heard and and 3rd of December. It is a great very nearly never clapped for. show and if all goes to plan, you In the story, Dave messes up a show will not be able to breathe with finale and he messes up big time. laughter Dramatic

MTSoc peoples doing their morning stretches with jazz hands to the left and right. Meanwhile the director can be seen jumping up and down like a madman at the back 14 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Arts [email protected] Be seduced: but by Art or by Porn? Blowjobs, breasts, bondage and bestiality... Caz Knight seeks to answer this valuable question and receives a different kind of Sex Education at the Barbican’s latest offering. Prudes be warned – skip these pages

educed- Art and Sex from An- tiquity to Now- it’s all in the name. The Barbican gives us sex through the medium of S art in all its guises, from long before Christ was born right up to the present. It invites us “to become a par- ticipant in the history of the display of sexually explicit art” while considering the relationship between pornography and art. The dictionary definition tells us that porn is media designed to stimulate sexual excitement. (From the Greek word ‘pornographos’- the writing of harlots). If this is true, ANYTHING can be potentially pornographic- there are no bounds to what people find or will find arousing, however sexual or non-sexual those things might be. One reviewer for The Guardian asks the question- has art ever been about anything else? And it is a very good one indeed. From the moment sexually reproducing beings came to exist, the act of sex has been pivotal to our exist- ence, pleasure and sanity. No one knew this better than Clas- sical Civilisation, bedrock of Western society. ‘Sex and Cold Marble’ kicks off the show with some stunning marble sculptures dating back to the second century. The image of (half) naked Ro- man statues is a common one (none more famous than Michaelangelo’s ‘David’). This section sees sensuous nymphs, eager satyrs and hermaphro- dites sculpted of marble, which were all inspiration for artists such as Pi- casso and Rodin. A few steps down the corridor and we are reminded of just how much sexually explicit objects were looked down upon and regarded as a danger to society. In 1857 came the ‘Extreme Publications Act’ designed to protect What on earth could they be doing?? Thomas Ruff’s ‘Nudes’, one of many provocative works of art those in society who were most at risk of corruption- women, children and those lacking either education or social from different cultures. Crotchless with oil inks on canvas in ‘Ilona on man while he is fellated (41 minutes appear in a Clint Eastwood film, The standing. As a result many works of art panties were a thing of the past it Top’ and creates a glorious fantasy-like seems rather long, however, appar- Enforcer. Charles Rydell was Warhol’s and historic relics portraying inappro- seems, as was pornography showing all effect, this time highly reminiscent of ently 5 ‘givers’ were used during the first choice but Rydell ‘chickened’ priate scenes were kept away from the sorts of naughty things. 19th century the porn industry. Thomas Ruff’s low film). Somehow when one sees these out, and so Bookwalter was chosen public eye and kept in a private collec- exposures- delicate and smooth tex- -resolution images are attractive and things in black and white it makes the as he happened to be hanging around tion for a few select people to behold. tured- were made all the more inter- also very original. whole experience feel more classy. I Warhol’s studio-cum-hangout, The On one hand, we are a hundred times esting for the Amy Winehouse-esque Inspired by underground film, Andy did not stay for the duration, only to Factory. K.R. Buxey’s female answer to more sexually liberated one hundred beehive sported by one of the subjects. Warhol’s ‘Blowjob’ is a 41-minute black appreciate the rather handsome chap- ‘Blowjob’ is ‘Requiem’, this time a col- and fifty years on but one can not help Seeing gentlemen and ladies inflicting and white film fixed on the face of a DeVeren Bookwalter- who would later our film that features her receiving oral thinking that in some ways sex is still pain (and pleasure) on each other and pleasure. Again, the camera is fixed on regarded as terribly risqué. More often being tied up with bondage rope, all her face as the act progresses. that not in the news and other forms the while in their Victorian finery- tail Probably one of the most mersmeris- of media, sex is always associated with coats and voluminous skirts plumped ing and beautiful pieces I have seen in seediness or in a terrible context (child up with petticoats! any exhibition is ‘Heartbeat’ by Ameri- molestation, rape). Never do we sing My attention faltered ever so slightly can documentary photographer Nan its praises and examine the beautiful when faced with cabinets of manu- Goldin. Goldin has explored the post- side of it. Almost never. Seduced makes scripts, books and relics such as the punk new-wave music and gay scenes exception in many cases. One exam- Grecian ceramics (depicting a few and hard-drug subculture, but here she ple came in the ‘Between the Covers’ questionable acts involving livestock) follows five couples as they go about section, featuring exquisite paintings and amber phalluses. Interesting as their day- sex is a definite feature but from 17th century India. The atten- they were, one starts to feel a little is set against other activities such as a tion to detail in these tiny works of art more like one is in an educational sort night out or day in the park. The pho- with amazing colours and brush-work, of museum rather than an art gallery. tographs are presented in a slide show, made for some beautiful viewing. One Any interest that might have waned is accompanied by the angelic voice of of the works- ‘The Private Pleasure of brought back instantly on the second Bjork, singing ‘Prayer For the Heart’ Danyas Son of Emperor Akbar’ – de- floor by the surrealist works of twisted, with classical music by John Tavener. picted a couple twisting themselves psychedelic sketches and photographs The effect is spell-binding and very into very difficult-looking kama sutra from what appeared to be an acid- moving. Although the images depict positions, under starry, moonlit skies fuelled sex party circa 1966 (actually love, happiness, tenderness and pas- and gold-roofed temples. 120 minutes dedicated to the Divine sion, the music creates a slight pathos. Another highlight was the glowing Marquis) involving cream being licked Seduced: Art and Sex from Antiquity colours of ‘Leda and the Swan’; a copy off various body parts, public urination to Now does exactly what it promised- of the original painting by Leonardo and spanking. The books of said Mar- it shows us art in all lights: scientific, da Vinci, which was lost. The legend quis of Sade, father of BDSM (bond- sexual and even morbid. It is definitely of Leda and the swan is that the Greek age-discipline sado-masochism), lie in not pornographic- there is no seedi- god Zeus came to earth as a swan, an adjacent room. ness here, as is often associated with thereby seducing Leda mere hours af- Several large and vibrantly colourful pornography-some pieces one would ter she had conceived her two children Jeff Koons paintings are on display- re- not consider inherently sexual. I was by her husband King Tyndareus. instating some of the tackiness I was also struck by how most viewers were The exhibition shed some light on rather hoping for in an exhibition called not fazed by what was on show- if only the sexual practices of old and those ‘Art and Sex’. Photography is combined Michaelangelo’s David decided against underwear despite the cold society as a whole could be this way. Friday 16 November 2007 felix 15 [email protected] Arts

“Giggity giggity!” ‘Ilona on Top’ by Jeff Koons... one of the more vibrant pieces

Let’s hope for Leda’s sake the swan doesnt have the H5N1 virus!

Robert Mapplethorpe’s muse models the latest fashion in men’s underclothes

Please note there is change in ticket price! £2.50 in advance, £3 on the door for students. Available from Blyth or [email protected] Was he paid to appear in Warhol’s film, or was a 41 minute blowjob payment enough? 16 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Arts [email protected] A Very Short book series eeview Is small beautiful when it comes to learning? Michael Cook tests it out on some unsuspecting readers

ometimes, I like to discover anyone thinks Statistics is something whether they feel oppressed or not. that you’re being told the truth. that, by taking some readers and offer- things, you know? Not all I’d like to learn. These questions don’t So where’s the happy medium? En- But can you judge a book just by its ing them topics they’re both familiar kinds of things, not by any really have answers, no matter what my ter the Very Short Introduction series, title? At Felix, we wouldn’t dream of and unfamiliar with. James Warren, stretch of the imagination. Friday morning lecturer says, but some which you may well have come across doing such things. And so, to uphold our resident Physicist, goes toe-to-toe S There are literally thousands other questions do. Sensible ones. before. The Oxford University Press’ our three-week tradition of sky-high with Flora Wilson of Mathematics and of things that I don’t want to know any- The thing with sensible questions is line of brief overviews cover an ever- journalism standards, we’ve employed myself; I moonlight as a Computer Sci- thing about, and they could fill several that they usually have very, very long expanding range of topics, and claim to people we vaguely know to do our job entist when I’m not on Felix. television schedules. In fact, if you have answers, or answers that are wrapped do exactly what it says on the cover – be for us. Are the books accessible enough Did the books stand up to our three Channel Five and Hallmark, they do fill in a documentary presented by a boob short, be precise, and be informative. if you’ve got no grounding in their sub- demanding critics? Is reviewing a book them on most weekdays. job on legs for Channel 5. I don’t want Better still, they’re concise despite ject whatsoever? And if you’re already about journalism a strange fourth-wall But some things I definitely want to to read a three-inch thick exposition of being written by experts in the field, studying in the field, does the book thing? Does anyone actually want to learn things about. Why everyone hates feminism, but I also don’t want Kirsty and the high quality of editing means have anything to offer you at all? hear my joke about the magician who America, why I feel the need to insert Gallacher jiggling around universities that you get a nice flow to the proceed- Thanks to the Oxford University goes into an alley and turns into a bar? a bar joke into every issue of Felix, why in Slough asking seventeen year-olds ings while sitting safe in the knowledge Press, we’ve been able to test exactly Read on.

The Pro: James Warren The Rookie: Flora Wilson

ther than the apple There’s also a lot of richness in New- ewton is easily one of The only problem lies in Rob Ili- thing with the tree, I ton’s life that keeps the book from be- the biggest names in ffe’s style – a little to curt and a little don’t know an awful lot ing one long textbook – he held many the history of scientific too professional, without the zest you about Newton, which strong and lasting friendships with a method, one of the fa- might have come to expect from the O is a bit shameful given wide variety of people, and his life cov- N miliar faces of English series. his impact on... most things in the 17th ered a lot of fields of interest. Even his science that gets dragged out again and It’s still good, and functions reason- Century. death, with which the book begins, is again, and yet many of us know little ably well as a reference book, too, but In fact, Newton surprised me in an interesting tale. about him. if you’re familiar with Newton’s work many places with the extent of Sir The writing doesn’t always electrify, This introduction covers all of the already, his life may be of less interest Isaac’s influence on things such as the but its content does, and as a whistle- most popular aspects of the man, as to you – particularly when presented Royal Academy and his research that stop tour of Newton’s achievements, well as many that may usually be left in such a dry manner. furthered the field of Optics. this book really works. out; such as his unusual opinions on It also chronicles his brief but histor- religion and lesser-known occupations ically enduring battle with Leibniz over such as Warden of the Mint. The Professional’s Opinion the inception and application of calcu- The Rookie’s Opinon As far as Biographies go, Newton One apple short of a tree. lus, and the illustrations in the book Science isn’t always fascinating, does a lot. There’s nothing that feels offer great insight into the first outings but Newton’s life certainly was. unmentioned, and the tricky balance of some of modern science’s greatest between anecdotal ‘evidence’ and ac- ★★★✩✩ methods and theories, not least the ap- ★★★★✩ tual records is hit quite well. ple thing with the tree. The Pro: Flora Wilson The Rookie: Michael Cook

he idea of mathematical Weather forecasting is either very eing a bit of a tricky sub- ground in Chaos is the lack of any modelling fills me with important or very obvious in the realm ject to work around, even mathematics whatsoever. The text is enough dread on its own; of Chaos, because Smith relates most for those that actually do it lively enough to guarantee that you’ll the news that most mod- of his examples to it, and even though I for a living, is one of be shown something new, but fans of T els are actually inherently was in the mood for a little variation by Chaos B the more abstract flavours meaty technical info should return to “unpredictable” in some sense of the Chapter 10, the subject as a whole re- of Very Short Introduction, explaining their textbooks. word, was obviously a bit of a kicker mains gripping – the force affects the much of its material in its own terms Even without an equation in sight, for me. world to a mystifying degree, which and analogies, meaning it may not sit Chaos is a worth addition to the book- Thankfully, Chaos is devoid from Chaos only scratches. perfectly if you’ve studied the subject shelf. It’s well-edited, it knows how to much numeral-based confusion, save a Easy to grasp and genuinely impor- before. separate the interesting from the dull, few wibbly graphs and some fairly pe- tant for any applied scientist, Chaos is Nevertheless, Smith’s style is very and it doesn’t miss out what’s vital. culiar poetry choices. definitely worth picking up. readable – he makes excellent con- Smith fits the bill of a VSI author per- nections between theory and real- fectly – sharp, observant and down- ity, something vital for this topic, and The Professional’s Opinion to-earth, his examples and wordings The Rookie’s Opinion works hard to cover varied theories in A fantastic summary of a really highlight difficult-to-grasp areas and It needs a little time, but Chaos is a very compact book. interesting subject quickly break them down, introducing a great read. It doesn’t go very deep, as one might the concept of Chaos – a phenomena expect given the series title, but the ★★★★✩ affecting systems such as Climate and ★★★★✩ real let-down to those with some back- myriad others – gradually. The Pro: Michael Cook The Rookie: James Warren

ost of us read a news- Journalism; it may just be that Har- erhaps ‘Pro’ is a bit of a stories behind the big media events of paper in some form greaves’ writing style – which has all strong word, given I spend the last century or so. or another – whether the characteristics of a lifelong jour- most of my time thinking up For anyone considering writing in it’s a London Lite nalist – doesn’t appeal. Whatever it is, captions and fighting with their future, gives a lot of M you’ve had thrown at I found the book flagging a little after a Journalism P Macs in the Felix offices food for thought. Whether it’s an intel- you by a vendor, or a Financial Times few chapters. rather than uncovering the truth and lectual discourse is debateable, but it you’ve picked up so that people think Still, if you’ve got your heart set on pushing up literaryt standards across tries its utmost to cover the ethics both you’re clever. learning more about a key occupation the board. Nevertheless, Journalism is of yesteryear and the next generation Journalism does its best to get un- of the next century, you could do a lot definitely an interesting title for me. of writers, and generally does it with a der the bonnet of modern journalism, worse than read this. It’s concise and Unlike the ‘applied’ VSI books, Jour- lot of sensitivity, describing finally the charting its progress up to the mod- generally unbiased – which makes it nalism is more of a tour-de-force of next age of journalism. ern day and offering some insight into good journalism in itself. Journalistic concepts, trends in history, where it may be headed. It’s a good and the great and noble art of writing compilation of statistics, excerpts, sto- about things that are happening. The Professional’s Opinion ries and serious opinion, put together The Rookie’s Opinion Even though it reads itself like a tab- Journalism offers a good look at and tied up in a subject that’s none too Maybe I read the Guardian too loid at times, Journalism is written in something we take for granted. boring. much. an engaging way and throws a lot of For some reason, it doesn’t really questions at the reader at the same ★★★★✩ click with me. It may be that you need ★★✩✩✩ time as showing some lesser-known a more journalistic base to really ‘get’ Friday 16 November 2007 felix 17 [email protected] Arts A book for the ladies – hones-Tully Susan Yu treks off to Kansas for an emotional rollercoaster ride. Wonderful Wizards not included

ully, Tully Makker. One cannot but love her for who she is. Tough, passionate and ready to face T life in every way. She is an amazing character who has you rooting for her till the end, you would always be there at her beck and call. This stunning read is certainly a rollercoaster ride, you’ll have your heart wrung many times over, but there is definitely hope at the end of the tun- nel, as they say. Love, friendship and loss are inherently entangled in this maelstrom of a book. An absolute sensation. There are moments where one finds oneself totally immersed in the tragedy involving Jennifer that one wonders whether there is any future at all for Tully. Prepare to have your heart ripped to pieces and flung to all corners of the earth with Tully’s emotional odyssey. Frankly, this is one for the girls, thrilling blockbuster stuff. There are so many twists and turns in the novel that will keep you ploughing to the denouement. Simply, this whirlwind novel is set in Kansas City, America. It is centrally based on Tully Makker, a real tough cookie, who seemingly conquers all the skeletons and demons in her clos- ets. She stands tall admist the trauma To tell the truth, this has nothing to do with Tully, but we couldn’t find a cover photo. Complaints about editorial standards on a postcard, please and chaos that harsh life has thrown at her. Simons truly brings Tully to life. The way Simons portrays the main ostensibly tries to proetct her innerself of us. A significant confirmation of her strates in times of intense crisis. With- out. Life has other plans in store for protagonist’s growth into womanhood as a means of survival; an unwavering literary talents. A true testament to the out a doubt, we can surely understand her. Tully yet again has to endure cruel from profoundly pained childhood and coping mechanism. Abandoned by her book’s credible realism. her flaws as the inevitable conditioning loss but against all odds, emerges into the perennial struggles to overcome a father, neglected, unloved from birth by Clandestine, promiscuous, highly of her unhappy, broken childhood. In adulthood and seemingly reach a point legacy of physical and emotional abuse her mother, she is raised up in troubled complex and cantankerous Tully may fact, her remarkable resilience does of apparent calmness and contented- at the hands of her mother is no easy household, where she is both physi- be, however, she also displays intense shines through when on several dif- ness. Her life seems to evolve through feat. The book is spiced up with many cally and mentally abused. However, loyalty towards her friends, has an ferent occasions, we find Tully joking chance rather than choice, until fate close-calls. Simons further delves into by her teenage years, Tully manages to inherent sense of morality and an casaully about her dire situation. What takes another startling turn and unwel- considerably complex issues like self- form strong bonds of friendship with overwhelming capacity to love. Her is more, the apt touches of humour come decisions are enthrusted upon harm, suicide, abortion, and autism two school friends whose backgrounds toughness is entirely superficial and which Tully seems to evoke are unas- her. Falling head and heels in love for which provides further scope to the are totally different from her own. In is assumed as a protection against be- sailably the recognisable consequences the first time whilst having finally set- plot. There are certainly a compelling great contrast, Jennifer and Julie come ing irrevocably hurt again. Evading any of her inner strength, not succumbing tled with the man who has guided her array of male protagonists in this mas- from loving families that provide so sort of commitment and pity endowed, to defeat, nor buckling under the sheer through thick and thin, Tully reaches terpiece, with Robin DeMarco and Jack much warmth and joy that one cannot Tully often masquerades her true weight of her problems. epiphany and has to make the toughest Pendel being the main leads who serve but feel deeply ache for Tully and her emotions, and generally holds herself There is an underlying sinister and decision of all… as prominent love interests in her life. deplorable maltreatment. at arms length from boyfriends as a dark side to the whole story. The on- One should not feel ashamed of Considering that ‘Tully’ was Simons’ Immediately, we as the reader dis- means of maintaining some illusion of going emotional and physical abuse clinging onto one’s Kleenexes whilst debut novel, one cannot but be im- cover that Tully has been raised in an anonymity. She drifts into relationships derived from her mother, combined reading this heart wrenching, devas- pressed with such eloquence and beau- atmosphere of indifference and neglect unable to fully commit to anyone, but with traumatic memories from her tatingly absorbing novel. Indeed, if you tiful characterization and narrative. compounded by the physical violence is loved by all the men in her life. “All childhood has meant that Tully con- read the entire book without any signs Although this novel emerges with inflicted by her mother, Hedda, who they want to do is get serious, and all I tinually suffers recurring nightmares of a clenched throat or brimming eyes, Tully aged only seventeen, the full hor- was herself the product of an unloving want to do is get the hell out of here.” in which she ‘beats back death’ every I’d be very surprised, you would defi- ror of her tormented, harrowing child- family. To take control over the reigns of her night. These nightmares are something nitely have to be a total dispassionate, hood is revealed intermittently as we ‘From the time Tully was two, she demons, Tully simply cages them in- which torments Tully, day on day. This emotional fuckwit. have to piece together glimpses of the learned fear, and with fear she learned side, leaving what she believes as to be is until she finds salvation and becomes The magic with this novel is that darkness hidden within her past. It is hate, and with hate she learned silence.’ an empty shell with nothing but a black ‘dreamfree.’ when you read it, you BECOME Tully. not till the denouement in which the Simons writes with sheer poignancy hole within. Such observations are the Tully has never left Kansas her birth Her life is your life, her pain and hap- final picture surfaces, when we fully and builds characters so effortlessly closest Tully ever gets to evident mani- place, never glimpsed the ocean but piness is yours to keep forever. I defy understand the character as a whole using beautiful usage of language. In- festations of self-pity. She is strong in she dreams of escaping her inauspi- you to read it and not be profoundly for who she really is. credibly, Simons paints such a con- spite of all the trials and tribulations, cious gruelling life by going to univer- affected. You will certainly be gripped Tully is very much a multidimension- vincing and believable character; one we cannot admire her enough for the sity in California with her bestfriend as you simply cannot put it down. A al character, difficult to decipher as she who manifests foibles just like the rest courage and resilience she demon- Jennifer, but her world is turned inside must read!

BookCrossing soon – free pieces of paper with words on for you to read?

A Very Short Introduction To... John Le Carré – The Mission Song Delete This At Your Peril That Bitch – Sheppard/Cleary The Burglar Who Liked To Quote Kipling We’ve got a few of these to give away We promised this a while back, and it’s One of the simple reads for the up- After our rather harsh review in earlier – Journalism, Newton and Chaos as finally making an appearance. Le Car- coming Christmas rush, DTAYP was Felixes, we’re still confident that some- Apart from having a bastard title that reviewed by Felix Arts’ intrepid team. ré – reponsible for such spy thrillers reviewed a few issues ago, and we thor- one out there will want to take a look messes up our format for this week, All extremely worth picking up, and all as Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy and The oughly enjoyed it. The premise is sim- at this, uh, exposé of evil, malevolent TBWLTQK is a brilliant short read, thanks to the Oxford University Press. Constant Gardener – is as good as ever ple – find out who’s behind the spam women who are threatening to take originally pushed out by Waterstones Journalism charts the history of the in his latest release. emails that we receive every day. over the world, divorce it, and then sue in a budget release. most noble artform and looks at its Focusing on a translator that gets The transcripts that follow, as the it for all it has. The plot is a simple heist of an ex- relevance today; Newton is a solid bi- himself into trouble when he takes one spammers share bizarre plans with an It’s honestly not that bad a read. Kind tremely rare Kipling poem from a man- ography of a rather famous chap; and dark government contract too many, equally ficticious correspondent, are of in the same way you can’t help but sion, but the entire thing is carried off Chaos looks at one of the most fasci- The Mission Song is textbook excite- hilarious and revealing. A good book read the gossip pages of TheLondon- with so much humour and pace that nating fields of made-up science there ment. Not unlike A Very Short Intro- for mid-lecture entertainment. Paper – not so much for the informa- it’s – yes – unputdownable. If that was is out there. duction To Chaos. tion value, just... ewww a word, of course.

Crossing – Monday 19th, JCR Crossing – Tuesday 20th, JCR Crossing – Wednesday 21st, JCR Crossing – Thursday 22nd, JCR Crossing – Friday 23rd, JCR Brr...!

Snowsports Club members Pandora Male, Lucinda Strachan and Annabel Grant. Join them on this year’s Christmas Trip. Book by 23rd November. Email [email protected] for more info.

Think you’re cool enough to pose here? Prove it!

[email protected] Photograph byJoe Muddiman unionpage NUS Extraordinary Conference Support the Governance Review and get a free trip to Leicester! As I have mentioned in previous weeks too) early in the Imperial College Union is supporting morning and you the proposed changes to the NUS will be back in Constitution so that the organisation London by early can organise itself in a manner that is evening. If you relevant to coherent, more representative have an interest in policy making and sound fi nancial exactly how silly management. In order for these changes some of the more to pass this academic year almost 40 “revolutionary” Unions, including ours, have voted to groupings Stephen Brown request an Extraordinary Conference currently active which is to be held on Tuesday 4 within NUS are President [email protected] December in Leicester. then please drop me an email and I will add you to our At this point I would like to appeal to delegation. National student politics has all of those students who voted for us always been a pantomime and if you to affi liate last year. As a result of your are interested in a day of what will be decision the Union is now committed some very heated debates regarding the to paying NUS £44,000 per annum in Governance Review please let me know affi liation fees. In my view there is little by Wednesday lunchtime at the very point in us paying this money if we latest. You never know, you could end up are not going to have the opportunity speaking at this event. to voice our opinion. This is why it is vital that we send a full delegation of Moderate Unions will duly engage in an 9 people along to this conference so entire day of Trot bashing as the hard that the Union is obtaining maximum left are insisting that this process is part value for money out of this ridiculous, of some secret right-wing conspiracy clunking, socialist vehicle that we are to hijack student democracy so I urge now working very hard to try and change you to come along so that we are in the by supporting the Governance Review. best position from which to articulate the Union’s point of view. I appreciate Travel and reasonable food expenses that the prospect of a free trip to the will be provided by the Union. The Midlands is not the best offer you will Extraordinary Conference is a one day receive during your time at Imperial but it event. Our delegation will leave (not should be an entertaining day. Feedback Forum How did you do in your last set of exams? Students at Imperial Has anyone given you a breakdown of how have never been Slept in again? you managed in each individual section? particularly satisfi ed Presuming you didn’t get 100% has anyone with the feedback Breakfast to go at the Union! told you where you went wrong? What they receive on about that piece of coursework you spent assessed work. Not six hard weeks slogging on? knowing where you • Breakfast baps with sausage, went wrong can be Despite all the fun that is inevitably had at very frustrating and bacon, eggs and more. University, there are very few among us future development ur who don’t get that tingle of apprehension can be hampered Kirsty Patterson • Fresh tea and coffee from our around exam time which fi nally makes you by elements of Deputy President knuckle down and work. So after all that the course you (Education & Welfare) frantic revision, endless nights of trying to haven’t completely [email protected] superb coffee machine. understand Fourier Analysis, the occasional understood. This sneaky Gin and Tonic (because it helps you has become abundantly clear through • All served fast for when you think more clearly) and incomprehensibly Student Surveys such as SOLE and the scribbled chemical equations, sometimes NSS where assessment feedback receives are in a rush. you just can’t work out what went wrong a notoriously low score. It is about time on the day or how you could do better next something was done about it and we want from 08:30 at the Union time. to know what you think.

Do you feel like the feedback you get after Come along to SAF LT G34 on Thursday you have been assessed is enough to help 22nd November at 12:00pm for free you improve in the future? As with much nibbles and tell us about how you think of the content of your exams at Imperial exam feedback would help you. Is there you are probably not going to be able to something that works, what really doesn’t forget everything you’ve learnt immediately and what more could be done to ensure after your exams are over. Everything you get the best learning experience from is beginning to tie in and the next major the assessment process at Imperial? It’s element of your course will rely heavily on your degree so make sure you get the most what you have (or haven’t) already learnt. out of it!

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COMING UP Act. Normal. Thu 29th Too Posh to Wash Fri 30th Boom Box Electro - Pole Dancing (they won’t suspect a thing) & Anne Summers!

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Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. 22 felix Friday 16 November 2007 Picture of the Week Rambutans, by Jonathan Lane Chemistry Year First want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected] Friday 16 November 2007 felix 23

Film Film Editor – Alex Casey [email protected] Anime-niacs resurrect the world Robin George Andrews explores beyond the apocalypse with the Anime flick, Neon Genesis Evangelion

ilms can have a significant injured pilot, Rei Ayanami, lying in his impact on the audience; be- arms, he vows to himself that he will tween the everyday fillers not run away from his fears and makes of Hollywood no-brainer that fateful decision to pilot Evangelion F blockbusters a bright spark Unit One. appears every blue moon, signifying And so begins the greatest piece of the culmination of some truly tal- animation ever made. Shinji Ikari, the ented directors, actors, composers, central figure of NGE, is not your typi- cinematographers and scriptwriters. cal hero, and nor is NGE your typical Such films are highly emotive and in- mecha robot science fiction serial. The telligent, and present the viewer with a 14-year old pilot was abandoned by his unique experience. father after his mother died when he Usually animated films or series are was very young; he has little self-con- not coupled with such a positive de- fidence, shies away from anything he is scription, but there is one I am par- afraid of, and holds no respect whatso- ticularly passionate about and urge ever for his father, who is an uncom- everyone with the slightest inkling of promising, brutal, and enigmatic man. curiosity to go and see; you will not In fact, you could say that Shinji is the only be surprised, but transfixed on the complete opposite of a hero, which is truly spectacular imaginative method why NGE is initially so interesting to of storytelling and its uncanny ability watch – commonly, the central char- to force the viewer to question his or acter in anime is brave, bold and will her own role in the grand scheme of protect everyone around him no mat- life. Neon Genesis Evangelion is noth- ter what. Observing Shinji as he battles ing short of breathtaking. against the Angels – and his inner de- At the dawn of the new millennium, mons – is a refreshing experience. the planet was ravaged by a devastating NGE itself is, as aforementioned, in- shockwave emanating from Antarcti- credibly atypical of animation in gen- ca. The icy continent instantly melted, eral. Whereas the typical anime traits and sea levels rose at exponential rates. are present, the series has three prima- Cities were flooded and entire civili- ry hooks that most modern films lack. sations were submerged. During the Firstly, it constantly upholds a sense of post-apocalyptic wars, over half of the mystery, intentionally omitting infor- world’s population perished. mation and showing you events that Officially, a small meteorite, traveling leave you puzzled and, most impor- close to the speed of light, crashed into tantly, intrigued. For example, what are the South Pole, causing the catastro- the Angels? Why is it only those born Spot the odd one out... phe. However, the lone survivor of after the Second Impact can pilot the the scientific expedition based there, Evangelions? What are the true mo- Misato Katsuragi, witnessed a beam of tives of the characters? ic scene. Shinji Ikari is, as described sion, Ritsuko Akagi. A cold and effi- The viewer joins the three pilots and light emerge from the ruins of Antarc- One of the earliest mysteries arises above, not your typical hero. Rei Ay- cient woman, she prioritises the future the supporting cast as they reminisce tica shortly before the event – know as after Shinji’s Evangelion Unit One de- anami, the young pilot of Evangelion of mankind and the progress of the about their past, rethink their objec- Second Impact – occurred. Its wings feats the Third Angel – its armour re- Unit Zero, is introverted, quiet, and Evangelions over the lives of the pilots; tives, and reveal dark mysteries, the earned it the designation of an Angel. moved, the viewer can clearly see mus- as enigmatic as Shinji’s father, Gendo furthermore, she knows far more than majority of which answer some ques- Fifteen year later, a young boy named cles, organic eyes, and blood covering Ikari. She appears willing to follow any she ever lets on, keeping most of the tions whilst raising many more. With Shinji Ikari is summoned to Tokyo-3 the unit. Perhaps the Evangelions are order, even if it means it will lead to her organisation in the dark about both the innovative animation techniques, ex- by his father, the commander of Nerv. not so robotic after all. With twists and death. Almost completely emotionless past and the present. cellent scripting, and a truly immerse Upon arriving, the city is attacked by turns in every episode, one eventually apart from a few key moments, she is Personally, the pilot of Evangelion plot, one cannot help but get totally an enormous, humanoid being, one begins to doubt their perceptions of perhaps the biggest mystery of NGE, Unit Two is my favourite character absorbed in the lives of all the charac- which the military appears powerless each individual character, including one that will keep you guessing even from not only this anime, but from fic- ters involved. to stop. After fifteen years, the Angels the pilots themselves. after the credits begin roll. tion as a whole. Asuka Langley Soryu is The motion picture that followed the have returned. He is taken deep un- Nothing in NGE is what it seems, Misato Katsuragi is a rising officer in an incredibly endearing character, and series, End of Evangelion, chronicles derground by the now adult Katsuragi, and the story is one of the most imagi- Nerv, and one that also acts as Shinji’s is often the antithesis of Rei Ayanami the three pilots’ journeys to the end of who introduces him to mankind’s last native ever conceived. Using ancient guardian. The only one to see Second – brash, open, highly extroverted and the world, with startling imagery and hope – the Evangelions. Humanoid in philosophy and Christian and Biblical Impact first hand, she knows the devas- the only pilot who enjoys defending intense action and drama sequences, appearance, covered in thick armour, Apocrypha, the symbolism used in the tation that the Angels and humankind Tokyo-3 from the Angels. Showing in- matching if not exceeding that of the se- highly maneuverable and armed with series is awe-inspiring and has a long- can cause, and is willing to do anything credible skill in piloting the Evangeli- ries. There is so much about the series nothing but close-quarter blades, lasting impact on the viewer. to prevent a Third Impact occurring. ons, she is highly competitive, particu- I wish I could talk about, but I cannot, Shinji is ordered to take it out into the NGE’s second hook is the characters However, many secrets and answers to larly with Shinji, who she likes to tease or it will spoil the story for you – safe streets and defend the city against the themselves, and the personal journeys long-held questions are kept even from and poke fun at. to say, you will think about the ending mysterious Angel. With a severely- they take right up until they final, icon- her by the head of the scientific divi- Asuka, despite being highly volatile for a long time after it concludes. and excitable, also has her own dark In this contemporary setting, an ex- past which is slowly revealed through- cellent plot, incredible characters, a out the series, and during the final stunning score, blistering action, dra- episodes her past comes back to haunt ma and science-fiction, and of course her and her life begins to fall apart. To superb animation, come together to see such a lovable character descend form something very special, but not into her own spiral of devastation and necessarily unique. However, this se- loss is painful, and you cannot help but ries, consisting of twenty-six episodes, feel strongly empathetic towards her. has such depth, such emotion, such a Asuka is as amusing and charming as strong bond to the viewer that it refus- she is tragic and emotive, and as such es to let go of all its graces with its pres- is the arguably the best character in the ence. Recently voted the best anime of series. all time by several publications in both NGE’s final hook is its presentation the US and Japan, and credited with and pacing. The first half of the series pushing anime into the mainstream, builds on all the characters’ person- Neon Genesis Evangelion is a legendary alities and develops the story without piece of animation, one that deserves leaving too many mysteries unsolved; to be seen by everyone. See the world however, during the second half, through the eyes of Shinji, Rei, and As- many of the events that occur can be uka, and you will be forever hooked. interpreted in many different ways, This is the eternal answer to the the character’s motives change more Western stereotype that animation is explicitly, and as the war against the exclusively designed for children. Not Angels hits closer and closer to home, only will this change how you think, the viewer is subject to a high degree of but it will change you as a person. Left: The NGE family. Right: A clever costume choice can detract from an unfortunate lack of facial features character introspection. That, I guarantee. 24 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] The merciless flow of style Fashion is a fickle business, what’s in one day is tainted by Victoria Beckham the next COOL

Sarah Skeete Money doesn’t guarantee style, in fact on the horizon and one day you won’t pleasure of appreciating well crafted Euro-cheese Puffa Jackets sometimes it guarantees the exact op- be able to outrun it. Once something personal style, they have no fashion- Fashion is all about association, it’s posite. Who wants to wear clothes de- is linked to something undesirable gasms. This morning I saw a girl cross- kind of a visual synesthesia. For in- signed by an octogenarian who’s dress- (not in a Mengele way) certain items ing the road wearing a mostly neutral stance, acrylic Adidas shellsuits evoke ing 14-year old models? just loose their shine. Did you like Ugg outfit but with red bright tights and pram-face, Eastenders, and Benson & Fashion is created on the streets by boots? How about after Jessica Simp- shoes; the visual effect was so stun- Hedges cigarettes. Judgemental and people who have an odd, uncompro- son and Paris Hilton were ‘papped’ ning. I had to tell myself to stop star- superficial? Probably, but still true. mising sense of style. Truly creative wearing them? A fan of Gucci? A fan of ing because sometimes if you stare at Fashion synesthesia affects more people, not “crazy” fashion students Gucci after Victoria Beckham declared a girl’s legs they get the wrong impres- than just clothing. It’s more easily ob- who are engaged in a mass competi- her allegiance to them? sion and think you’re a lesbian. served by the way children’s names fall tion to out-crazy each other. Puh-lease. Things can also lose their attrac- Although maybe fashion illiterates in and out of style. Would you call your Massive glasses, a cape, and tissue tion just by being replaced by the next are actually the lucky ones. They don’t kid Chantelle? Generally the trends boxes for shoes? Inspiring, although generation. Stone-washed boot-legged get the downside of fashion; feeling

Just writing ‘puffa’ takes me back to primary school. Sticky weed, cartwheels, daisy chains. But this is puffa jackets in the euro-wanker sense. Those jackets you see Italian tourists wearing that have the logos ostensibly displayed to artificially inflate their self- esteem.

Over-sized berets

start with ABC1s and fall to C2DEs. missing leggings, with one leg a differ- jeans = Middle-aged woman in stilet- compelled to change your wardrobe Names are inspirational, and parents ent colour than the other of course, so tos who wears leopard-print tops with- when struck by a new look. Was it choose names that convey positive as not to be part of the masses. I don’t out irony. wrong to eat my sister’s food because I qualities. Of course you could opt out mean a contrived type of insanity. I Having no fashion sense (not volun- blew my clothes budget? I joke. I don’t of this ‘names-arms’ race and choose mean those curious animals on the tarily choosing not to participate in the have a clothes budget. But it does strike something like Ethel. edges of culture who possess a unique whole business because it’s superficial any sane person as ridiculous to stop This used to be more clear-cut with creativity. and meaningless, I mean actually not wearing a perfectly good pair of jeans clothing in days gone by. Fashion was Next along the chain are those who having ‘fashion-eyes’) is an inability to or sweater because it doesn’t take your about the latest couture from Paris. see the potential in the fashion crazi- see these sort of fashion connections fancy anymore. It’s probably really aw- The latest Parisian designs were worn ness and edit it for mass consumption. and associations. Yes, it’s an awful dis- ful, capitalist and superficial. But if you by high society. People then had their They take the massive, googly geek ease. Not up there with AIDs, but still give them to charity it’s a fact that all of So adorable! But only if you tailors copy these Parisian designs. glasses, which by the way look awe- pretty bad. It causes untold damage, that bad stuff is cancelled out! have long hair. If not, it just Then fashion became cheaper and some, and go for the tamer look of scarring the visual landscape. Have Fashion will inevitably become obso- looks questionable as to more accessible but was still dictated thick black frames. you ever seen someone’s outfit and lete, dragged down by time, d-list ce- whether you have hair. by the catwalk. Then the look filters down to the thought to yourself, does this person lebrities or the regular chav. But if you Nowadays we see that the trend is mainstream- available in shops and have eyes? But you have to remember shop at charity shops in the right areas Cavalli @ H&M reversed, people on the streets set the market stalls near you. that however much it hurts your reti- your fashion obsession can be fuelled trends that are copied by designers. Of course trends aren’t just made; like nas to look directly at them, fashion il- by fellow fashion addicts who have Inspiration comes from all over the everything, they must die too. Remem- literacy is not something they brought more money and clothes to donate! All globe, and style is less easily bought. ber guys, the spectre of death is always upon themselves. They don’t get the whilst giving to charity! Win-win.

Objects of desire

Stop the high street - designer collaborations! This is just horrible, cheap-looking crap covered in rhinestones. I can smell its reek from here. LAME

Pearlised Rainbow pump (Chanel), Neoprene and Napa leather tote bag (Pierre Hardy), knotted pearl choker with jewel detail (John Galliano) Friday 16 November 2007 felix 25

Travel Travel Editors – Ahran Arnold and Nadine Richards [email protected] Hello. Or as the Canadians say, “hi” Excerpts from a blog about Vancouver. From making boxes to the drainage system, to that poor sod Paul

Chris Chivers doesn’t get any work is because he is not very good with computers and is So, I’ve been in the beautiful city of better with his hands. He shared the Vancouver for just over a week now. hilarious anecdote of how he was giv- I’m worried I’ll fall in to the trap of say- en a job position in an office and was ing everything’s amazing in an attempt there for 10 minutes, staring blankly to convince myself that I’m having the at Excel, before being asked to leave! best time ever and rub it in the faces Actually, I don’t think he found it par- of everyone back home. But I’ll try and ticularly hilarious. And come to think veer away from that type of stuff. By of it neither did I. And yesterday, after the way, it’s ok for me to call Vancouver being confronted by a roll of sellotape, beautiful; all the vehicle license plates he gave in and admitted that he wasn’t have “Beautiful British Columbia” very good with his hands either, which proudly engraved onto them. However, begs the question; does this man have it did take me a good few days to realise any skills at all? This question was in what these cars were going on about... the back of my mind on the way home When the plane landed at the airport and I came to the conclusion that yes, last Wednesday, it marked the begin- he does have a skill, the skill to keep ning of 5 days of constant rain. Accord- smiling and not kill himself. Poor guy. ing to the locals, rain is very common Um, oh dear, this has gone wildly off this time of year – this time of year track. I’m not sure whether I should being until bloody May. Oddly, for a delete the last couple of paragraphs as city that apparently has so much rain, it seems inappropriate, lacks any kind the drainage system seems pretty poor. of relevance and isn’t even that inter- The streets are commonly lined with a esting. But I won’t. good inch or two of water meaning a So getting back on track about the soggy foot is all but inevitable. Sorry, city itself: Like London (and probably this is hopelessly veering off track, I’m every other city in the world), Vancou- sure there are more interesting things As beautiful as the license plates claim ver contains a number of sub-districts to talk about other than the drainage which can usually be summed up in system. one word; posh, gay, cheap, dirty, bor- On Monday, the rain stopped, the acquired through a temping agency. But there was a glimmer of hope. minder that success is fickle and failing etc. They all seem to be pretty safe clouds lifted and the sun came out These have ranged from the ridiculous On the first day, after about 4 hours ure is never far away. While temping, I apart from the East Side which is full of practically wearing a hat upon his in- to the downright dull. Most recently I of box making, the supervisor asks me found myself crossing paths with a guy mental tramps. The tall lady (Hmm, is candescent head. I had landed a job, have been making boxes in a clothing if I fancied a change and leads me to (Canadian for ‘man’) called Paul on a ‘tall’ really the extent of my vocabulary which was described to me by the warehouse... um, and I honestly can’t the other side of the warehouse “OK, couple of occasions. Paul, 50-ish, is these days? I’m sure there are more de- disinterested woman on the phone as elaborate any more on that. Making these boxes are a little smaller, but you also employed by the temping agency scriptive and linguistically interesting “...just moving some tables about re- boxes – those two words completely assemble them in just the same way”. and occasionally we are assigned to the things to say about her. But she was ally”. So, I made the most of the sunny sum up the job description, the job And just in case I didn’t understand same job. Paul is sad and has no life. quite tall. Long arms...) at the orienta- weather by going for a stroll around responsibilities, the job requirements, or needed reminding he added “Keep That is not a cheap, derogatory swipe, tion talk said this was because Vancou- Stanley Park and was just staggered by the skills acquired, the high points and making boxes!” Anyway, that job has but the actual truth. He isn’t happy be- ver used to have a mental hospital but the beauty of the city. The combina- the low points of the job. Oh Christ, finished now and I promised myself I cause he left his previous job (as a fi- it was closed down and the patients tion of snow capped mountains, sky- it was terrible – I spent a total of 17 would never sink that low again. nance manager) to travel the world and were left to wander the street. She then scrapers and luscious blue waters was hours making boxes. Every so often Hmm, I feel like I should talk about after spending all of his money found added “it’s not funny guys”. enough to make me stop in my tracks. the supervisor would walk past and of- the people I have met, but I don’t want himself unable to get back into a sta- So in my first week, I have been (well I didn’t actually stop. I was run- fer such encouraging words as “Keep say things like “everyone is lovely” or “I ble work position. As a result he lives, proved that the license plates are in- ning a bit behind and needed to get to making boxes!” I can’t for the life of have made hundreds of friends”. After unmarried, in a small room in a tower deed correct; Vancouver is an extreme- work. Those tables weren’t going to me think why he felt the need to keep all, all the lovely people could turn out block on the rough side of town and ly beautiful city. At the moment, I am move themselves) saying that – well, to be honest, it may to be cheeky thieving bastards. gets about one day of work a week out very happy with everything, although Since being in Vancouver, I have had have been encouragement to prevent There is one guy, however, who has of the employment agency. that’s probably down to the cocaine! a total of 4 different job placements one from becoming suicidal. stuck in my mind and is a living re- Paul confessed that the reason he (only joking…) Travels without my Aunt – Part Two

Theo Georgeiou Delisle small children who gather in wetsuits sented with a number of options. For around your car, you may exit your ve- many, the simple pleasure of whacking “Phew, it’s a scorcher out there!” and hicle. Not there sir, sorry, that is quick- stranded, innocent jellyfish on the head “It’s bikini o’clock” are just two of the sand. It should be noted at this point with a cheap plastic spade is entertain- phrases that you will not hear if you that the parking area in Polzeath also ment enough, but I understand that decide to visit Polzeath in Cornwall, doubles as the beach, which distress- the Imperial College student deserves or indeed if you visit any other place ingly enough is covered with water in more. It is for this reason that Polzeath in Cornwall. For many young upstarts an almost rhythmic pattern every day. is happy to accommodate the world however, a trip to Polzeath is the inevi- For this reason it is a good job that renowned Daymer Bay West sewage table answer to the question, “where your car is on its last legs, but who buys outlet 36b. Feel free, as many tourists can we go right now, seeing as we have a car in sunset mauve anyway? Loser. do, to splash and frolic in the frothy no money and even less imagination?” Now it is time to hit the sea, get out stream which runs out to sea, safe in Regrettably it is not the answer to the there you maniac! For the convenience the knowledge that dysentery can ac- question “Who were the three chip- of visitors Polzeath is manned by fully tually make a rather good topic across munks in that show, about the chip- trained beach bums, who don’t mind the dinner table. munks, you know the one…?” pretending to be life guards in their After wiping the sand off your lap- Polzeath is located at a jaunty angle spare time. You may swim between the top you are ready to leave the dunes along the Cornish coastline, strutting blue flag and the flag which depicts the (although there are none) and hit the out almost defiantly opposite the town court case of the disgraced former con- town for a taste of the local nightlife. of Padstow which Rick Stein, the fish servative MP, Jeffrey Archer. You may The town is unfortunately not ready cook, made famous by cooking fish in. surf if you are Australian. Once you to hit you back, save from the late It can be reached by a pleasant costal have acclimatised to the water, it will night second-hand bookstore which path which winds its way haphazardly invariably have got dark so it is time to stocks all of your seventeenth favourite around the dangerous cliff edges, or by return; but do not worry intrepid trav- books, so you must drive home imme- a less pleasant road which will test your eller, the luminous condoms floating diately before the tide claims your car. 14 year old break pads to well beyond flirtatiously in the water around you Back in London you are free to watch their limits. will guide you safely back to the beach. Alvin, Simon and Theodore to your Once you have avoided the hoards of Once back on the beach you are pre- heart’s content. I don’t undestand it either 26 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Sebastian Nordgren [email protected] This Week

Azfarul “Az” Islam BOOM, headshot! A sniper’s best friend Oh, hai! I can pwnz you now? Say what about insecurity? Games Editor t’s quite some time since the gaming behemoth named Halo 3 graced our 360s and ate up time that would otherwise be I spent wasted. One Spartan, twice shot It’s a testament to the prodigious skill of Bungie that two months have done little to wane the fervour. And why Robin Andrews whips out his sniper rifle and people die. Screaming. The noobs not? Halo 2 kept gamers enthralled for a few years after its release and it’s a given that the third son will carry on the proud tradition, perhaps with the banner held higher. I’ve only been playing the multiplayer for a couple of weeks now but I concur with Robin Andrews about the experience. It’s simply delicious despite Live being largely populated by whining prepubescent little snots. Then there are the Pop Idol wannabes; to put it simply they should be drug out into the street and shot. Many, many times. It’s a godsend that Halo 3 offers the all-important mute function: simply choose the boisterous buffoon from the scoreboard and then hit X to mute him forever. So what if he’s for- War is hell... and utterly brown as the next generation of consoles will have you believe. Reality is over-rated, isn’t it? mulating the winning strategy or if he needs backup... even in defeat you can be happy. I’m part of an ongoing war. A highly- remains quiet – the Commander, who several times over – seriously people, dition to the multiplayer, people can However, bar these myriad offenders, charged, horrifically violent conflict grabs his sniper rifle and walks calmly it really is that stunning – I leapt into now advance in virtual military rank sometimes magic just happens. Mov- that has left many people scarred for down the left ramp. ‘Would everyone the multiplayer. by gaining experience points for doing tightly as a group of four, you rush life. Some of us have risen through the just be quiet and get on with it?’ He To be honest with you – and to show ing particularly well in certain engage- the enemy head-on. You know they’re ranks to stand above the metaphorical is heard sighing, before he continues off a bit – I was pretty good at Halo 2. ments. Not only this, but you are also blatantly going to grenade you as they base layer below, watching as human- his journey out into the wilderness of I was a dedicated online gamer then, given Skill Points in Ranked Matches, scramble against your assault. How- ity fights itself in a spiral of destruction Valhalla. Some of his allies are clearly and I am even more so today. After fin- which shows people your relative skill ever they realise something important: – silently observing man’s inhumanity surprised by his distinctly different ishing the fight with the Master Chief, level in relation to everyone else play- the team count is usually five. As two to man. accent. I took my online avatar – Shadowb- ing. If you succeed in raising both of fall dead where they stand and a telltale And, like any global conflict, this one ‘Hey guys, he’s British!’ exclaims one. lade9876 (yes, that was originally from these stats, you can ascend through report rings throughout the causeway, is always highly political. Another reads out his gamertag – sev- an MMORPG and no there aren’t 9,876 the ranks. the objective of your rush becomes ‘Red team rules. Blue team is going eral times, in fact – before falling silent of us) – once again to the forefront of This little addition happened to make apparent. The stragglers make a mad down!’ blares one, his virtual finger again. Someone from the opposing side the world’s largest online conflict. Halo 3 more addictive than initially dash to safety as they’re gunned down. pointing aggressively across the map. points out that this particular gamer The game starts you off with an ob- thought. Upon entering my first Social The exciting thing is, you can be on the His comrades in arms line up against should go back to England and drink ligatory training session, to make sure Slayer match – basically a team death- receiving end just as easily. the grey, Forerunner structure, already some more tea, to which he calmly ex- you know how to aim a gun at some- match – I was laughed at by a Lieuten- Now with the Halo fever it’s often planning which weapon or vehicle they plains he is already living there. And one who is trying to do precisely the ant, someone who had been playing easy to forget that there are actually are going to pinch first. Suddenly, a that tea isn’t really his thing. After this same thing. It was hilarious – everyone the multiplayer much more than I had other games out there. This past week transmission is received from the other highly intellectual political debate, else could barely reload before getting by that point. He kindly informed me saw the release of games like Assassin’s side of the grassy, hilly landscape. which included reasons why certain mêléed in the back of the head. Anoth- that I was a n00b, and stood very lit- Creed and Call of Duty 4; both seem to ‘Red team can suck it,’ a disembodied people should ‘turn down the retar- er hapless soul picked up a beam rifle tle chance of winning. Of course this be very enticing games so expect some voice replies. The red team shout mul- dation’, a few vehicles begin to move, – the Covenant version of the sniper was not actually what he said – most feature articles at a Felix near you. Old tiple expletives back, most of them with several bullets are fired, and soon rifle – and attempted to use it to em- of it was far too vulgar to print in this school adventuring gets a kick up it’s strong American accents. Yet someone enough the war of stupidity breaks out barrassing effect. Being a sniper my- high-brow publication. Nevertheless, I morbidly decaying backside with the into a war of bul- self, I felt his ig- release of Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune. lets, explosions, norance with a I’m quite a fan of Naughty Dog - with and warthogs. scoped weapon the Jak trilogy constituting some of my Welcome to the had to be pun- all-time favourite games. However, as world of Halo 3’s ished. A Ghost, many of you are aware... all this will multiplayer. a small Cov- pale in comparison to what will be Halo 2’s multi- enant vehicle, happening today. player was by all ploughed into Yes, the 16th of November marks accounts a huge him soon after- the day that a proper Mario game be- success, one which wards. The game comes unleashed on a hapless popula- has strongly influ- kindly reminded tion. Children will scream. Parents will enced many other me I was award- tear their hair out. And the sound of a games in its genre. ed the “Splatter” thousand Wiimotes crying out in joy Its fan base was medal just as his will ring throughout the globe. Or you enormous, and listless body im- know, lots of people will buy it and play all were looking pacted the snow, happily, yay. forward to Halo causing a small Now while I’m really interested in 3, nervously won- plume to form. getting Super Mario Galaxy, I’m sort of dering whether or After the torn between a Wii and an Xbox 360. not its multiplayer match ended, the My birthday just whizzed by a day ago would exceed the game decided to and I’m still pondering which one to highest of their ex- promote me to get... Mario or Masterchief. pectations. I was an Apprentice, Bah. One PS3 and a copy of Metal one of them. After the lowest rank Gear Solid 4 and I’ll be content. It’s too completing the possible in the bad that that’s ages away... Your two best friends: left hand... campaign mode game. A new ad- ...and right hand Friday 16 November 2007 felix 27 [email protected] Games

the Great Flag Run of Valhalla, or the ly-invisible sword-wielding Spartans sniper who provided vital cover fire on leaping across the map, and even flying Last Resort. Maybe you were the one Elephants. who was at the front of the charge that For me, it is all about getting those took that last Territory on Sandtrap. near-impossible kills. I’m sure all you Perhaps you were the guy who hap- Halo fans out there will appreciate pened to Spartan Laser that convoy of mid-air headshots, “no-scopes” (kill- vehicles heading right towards you. Or ing someone with a sniper without you could just have been the person zooming in), sticking a Banshee with a who got that shotgun spree on High plasma grenade, and so forth. Plus, all Ground. this has to be a great way to relieve ag- You might even be involved in a mu- gression – you can blast those whiney tiny. One particular match placed me brats, mow down those foul-mouthed alongside a horrifyingly annoying pair losers, and beat down those that can’t of gamers: the first was a whiney Amer- play to save their lives. And hey, even if ican twelve year old, who screeched you can’t beat them, at least the game for help every time a bullet whizzed lets you quickly mute them! passed his head; the second was a And so here I am today – a Com- much older, immature imbecile who, mander, with over 7,000 recorded kills, despite only have one kill throughout with 1/7th of those using a sniper ri- the entire match, continued to remind fle. There are people out there who are everyone else how rubbish the rest higher ranked than I am, and others of the team apparently was. So we all that I could never hope to beat, but of surrounded him and waited for him course this will not stop me trying. In to lash out physically, thus giving us essence, Halo 3’s multiplayer is about the perfect excuse to gun him down. two things. Firstly, it is trying to bet- We lost the match, but we all gained a ter yourself – you will do anything, moral victory. no matter what it takes, to be the very My point is that everything you do best, and to gain that next promotion on Halo 3’s multiplayer is different, that will lead people to actually show varied and is a new, thrilling experi- you some respect for once. Secondly, Erm guys... the match is over... you can stop trying to look cool now, okay? ence every time. Not only is it addic- it is, of course, about having a bloody tive, but it is incredibly enjoyable. It is good time, and no game has ever come essentially the same formula as in Halo close to providing his much entertain- picked up my sniper rifle and gave his to the game – the first match I entered Halo– its mix of varied, excellent weap- 2, but with some new gameplay addi- ment. If you haven’t already tried, get cranium some extra ventilation. By the into afterwards happened to contain a ons, the range of devastating and agile tions, new weapons, and some awesome mates over, turn on your wireless end of the match, he was huffing and Brigadier, which is the second highest vehicles you can use and hijack, the some new features. The small scale controllers, and step into this amazing puffing, attempting to blow my house rank possible. People actually sounded well-structured maps, the intra-team battles are intense; the big team battles online world. down but to no avail. He decided a few a bit nervous upon inspecting his stats, competition, and most of all, those re- are epic- even more so than in 2. Oh, and one last note. If you haven’t more snide comments would suffice, and for good reason. Without going vered headshots – is unprecedented. There are some gameplay differences fired a charged Plasma Pis- before leaving mid-insult. into details, this guy single-handedly As Bungie once mentioned in an in- to note: people’s weapons are now visi- tol at a fleeing vehicle, I gradually but steadily gained my quadrupled my team’s total score. A terview, “anything can happen in the ble even if they aren’t wielding them, so you haven’t lived. That is experience points, and it wasn’t long one-man extermination; a massacre. multiplayer.” It certainly seems so, and that bastard hiding around the corner all. See you online – before another aspect of this multi- Soon afterwards, another Brigadier with the movie and screenshot func- may look like he just has a submachine that is, if I haven’t player’s addictiveness came hurtling came up in a Big Team Slayer match. tions implemented into the game, you gun, but he’s concealing a shotgun too scoped you first. back at me. As in Halo 2, you can earn I was still a Lieutenant, and he was can keep reminding your mates just – it is attached to the holster on his medals for doing certain skilful things once again on the other team. This, in how badly you beat them. One picture back. You are also armed with Equip- in online matches, and of course the my opinion, was to be my poetic jus- speaks a thousand ownages. So your ment now – anti-tank mines, health final instalment in the trilogy is no ex- tice seen through. From the off, I had mate really insists that bullet never hit regenerator clouds, power drains, and my sights focused almost solely on this him, and that somehow the game is best of all, bubble shields: you can step personification of pure evil. cheating him? Find the movie of that in and out of them, but even if a tank “My first Sniper This particular match – VIP – was is firing shells at you, nothing will ever a new type not seen in the prequel, get through the impenetrable sphere Spree was my with the objective being to terminate “One picture this device creates. the opposing team’s randomly selected There are more game types, includ- online avatar’s leader. During the match, I happened speaks a ing VIP, Shotty Snipers, and the fan- to be driving a Warthog with two other created-turned-official Infection mode, equivalent of a Spartans in tow. Skidding around the thousand where sword-wielding “zombies” attack sand, slipping just past those rockets the dwindling team of humans on large baby learning and evading the rifle fire, we made it ownages” maps. On some settings, the zombies across to a hill where several hostiles can run as fast as the Mongoose can how to walk” had congregated around their VIP. Sev- match, follow the path of the bullet and drive at top speeds, which is genuinely eral of them leapt into a Mongoose – a watch in super-slow-motion as it cuts scary if you happen to be the last hu- ception. The thing is, there are now far very agile, small transport – and their through his helmet. Then take a pic- man remaining. As aforementioned, more medals to get, and some at first VIP leapt onto the back of another. We ture and send it to him. you can get so many awards now it’s just seem impossible. Nevertheless, I gave chase, our turret man took out all Rising through the ranks rapidly ridiculous. I have several Steaktacular kept trying, as does everyone else, to but the VIP, and just as he was getting since September, I’ve taken as many Awards, a few Bulltrues, and a Hail to get those sought-after virtual honours. away, he was hit in the back of the head screenshots (read: photographs) as I the King. I’ll leave you to discover what My first Sniper Spree was my online by my very own sniper rifle. He also take in real life – in other words, a vast these mean…if you get them, that is. avatar’s equivalent of a baby learning happened to be the Brigadier. amount – and you can always show It isn’t often you can say a tank how to walk. I was so proud. Sound exciting, no? Big surprise. them to your mates afterwards and landed on your head. With the game’s Eventually you will encounter some- Halo 3 has ranks, stats, and awards, but remember just how lucky you were to Forge mode, wherein you are able to one online who outranks you beyond really, at its very core, it is all about the miss that Spartan Laser, or just how edit everything on a map except the belief. For example, when I was eventu- pure adrenaline rush you get whenever unlucky they were to get stuck by a geometry, it is fairly common mid- ally promoted to a Lieutenant – there- you play a match of any kind. The kind plasma grenade. You could have been game to see explosive barrels raining by making you a “veteran”, according of experience you get upon playing the gunner on a warthog involved in down from the sky, almost complete- On Live, the party never ends!

And now a friendly message from the Master Chief: Remember kids, only you can prevent noobs from playing on Live. Embarrass them so badly that they don’t log in. Ever again 28 felix Friday 16 November 2007 Motor The C&G Motor Club Committee burns rubber fter an extremely hectic Fry, Bob the Builder, 2% Lager and Bal- first week which mainly lerina. After what seemed like an eter- involved the committee nity on the forming up lap, the safety filling out forms and writ- kart pulled in for the rolling start and at the A ing large cheques, twenty the first race was go! lucky people descended upon the kart The Boss got off to a flying start garage at 8:45pm on Wednesday, the with FatSlow sniffing his exhaust, but 13th of October, to mark the first event unable to pass. Meanwhile, a massive of the year; a trip to one of the world’s scrap for third through sixth ensued Raceway largest indoor kart tracks at The Race- while freshers spun all over the place way, at King’s Cross. Expectations were behind the committete, resulting in high for the night race which was due yellow flags and bunching the pack up to start at half past ten, with all 20 karts again on just lap three, with the front on track at once for qualifying and two two kart’s small lead destroyed. When 25 minute races. racing resumed, Captain FatSlow mys- Naturally, thinking that several freshers may be late, a rather embarrassed Captain FatSlow was the last to “The karts were arrive with Lawnmower, but the party was soon moving. After a brief period fast, precise and of confusion which saw the group get split into two on the way to South Ken- most importantly sington station, confidence that we would still have 20 by the time we got close to each to King’s Cross diminished slightly… but somehow we all managed to get on other in speed” the tube with everybody still intact. The walk from King’s Cross was teriously got a blue flag to let the kart uneventful with the exception of the behind pass despite being on the lead world cup match between England and lap! Ignoring it three times before de- France ending while we were on the ciding they were signalling for him, tube…and French Fry’s canned ram- he reluctantly got out of the way to page cranked up a notch as England let what turned out to be French Fry kick their way into another world cup past…and the three karts behind him save. There was generally poor lighting as well, cunningly stealing the space to the venue, which looked very much FatSlow had left. like an abandoned warehouse until This error on the marshals’ part we all walked around the back which made for an interesting race now – de- revealed a rather lavish looking hospi- spite The Boss driving away out front, tality entrance to The Raceway, deco- FatSlow was now demoted to 6th and rated with pictures of various famous had to play catch up. Meahwile, French Captain FatSlow intimidates The Boss with his evil stare of racing drivers that have floored throt- doom...or not, since The Boss wasn’t paying attention tle pedals in anger, including Nigel Mansell, Jenson Button, and Michael “Fatslow Schumacher. Once signed in our suits were issued, unleashed a and we walked into the rather large changing rooms, thinking that some- can of whoop- thing about this place was going to be a bit grander than expected. Walk- ass, setting the ing into the race hangar (really, there’s no better word for it), we stood wide fastest lap” eyed at a spectacle of twists, turns, long straights, floodlit barriers, and Fry was given a stern looking at as he banked corners (yes, banked corners kept taking his hands off the wheel to in go-karts!!) that was Europe’s longest signal angrily at the backmarkers. indoor kart track. After a cheeky chat Meanwhile, Henry, the highest quali- with the race director, which resulted fying newcomer in 8th place, had a dis- in some of the names on the timing astrous start and was in 12th place by screen being replaced with our motor lap two, being forced likewise to play club nicknames, we all got out safely on catch-up. CJ, starting in 10th, was in- track for our ten minute practice and volved in an interesting coming togeth- qualifying session, where our fastest er and was also demoted to 19th off the lap would determine our grid position. start line, which left Arsen, starting in The karts were surprisingly good, 9th, no time to waste as he took 8th fast, precise, and most importantly place and held a considerable gap to very close to each other in terms of the crowd behind. Henry was immedi- speed. While the freshers got used ately back on the ball, however, as he to the karts, the motor club commit- regained two places by lap three and tee wasted no time setting the track passed David by the end of lap five to ablaze, and the end of the session saw put himself, incredibly, only one place The Boss on top, followed by Captain behind where he started the race! Now, FatSlow, Lube Boy, Dr. Jones, French however, he was being relentlessly har-

Altogether now... “VROOOOOM!” Friday 16 November 2007 felix 29

reports on its recent trip to the world’s largest indoor kart track in King’s Cross

it was revealed that the entire committee and The Boss were all disqualified for driving too fast, having too much experience, and generally annoying the marshals with repeated requests for blue flags, so the prizes were left to the first time karters. Climbing onto the bottom step of the podium was David, finishing 11th overall, who received a wonderfully crisp copy of WOMEN’S WEEKLY with his four pack of Carling and tro- phy. Finishing 10th overall just in front of him was C.J., receiving the latest issue of FHM and a four pack of Fosters, while the winner, finishing 8th overall in front of some of the committee (!!), was Henry, proudly taking home a copy of NUTS magazine to accompany his four pack of Stella. Unfortunately for Henry, his girlfriend accompanied him on the trip, and was seen with the magazine, presumably for ‘safe-keeping’, on the walk back to the station. Fun was most definitely had by all, and unfortunately there was no party afterwards as everybody was so tired! Most of the fugly mugs of the motor club prior to thrashing things around for a few hours The kart club’s first trip to the infamous Tilbury track (where we take our own fleet of ridiculously fast go-karts!) assed by Ballerina, who was plagued position to properly challenge for the blazed the track, setting the fastest lap was next Saturday, however, and much with a full-throttle problem on the crown. French Fry was strategising of everybody on the night in the proc- needed to be fixed on the Wednesday banked corners during qualifying. about holding off FatSlow, who had ess…and then he came across Ballerina. afternoon preceeding. Out front, The Boss was now in something to prove after being wrong- The instantly recognisable bright red cruise and collect mode having made ly blue flagged (or just because he’s fat) suit was the victim of red mist, as going If you are interested in joining the a good ten to fifteen second advantage in the first race. Henry was looking to into the long right hander of turn four, motor club, learning how to fix out of the rest of the field scrapping put his authority on fastest newcomer FatSlow dived on the inside as Ballerina karts, playing with our own re- behind him. Lube Boy and Bob the but would be heavily hounded by Ar- was nursing his racing line, unaware of built racing mini, driving (safely) Builder were furiously scrapping over sen, David and C.J. the kart nearly pulling alongside. The fast, and participating in the Brit- 4th and 5th places when they slid into After a strong start, on lap six, in- resulting collision caused Ballerina to ish Universities Karting Champi- the side of each other coming out of sult was added to the injury (what a spin, and earned the Captain a one- onship, please don’t hesitate to turn three, which resulted in the both more-time-and-you’re-out look from pop down to the motor club ga- of them scrubbing off a good 10mph the marshals as he cursed himself for rage, on Unwin Road in between and allowing FatSlow to sneak back “Post-race it was making the error. the Civil and Mechanical engi- into 4th place! Elsewhere, The Boss’ advantage neering buildings, at 1pm every Nearing the end of the race now, revealed that the from the first race looked to be in tat- Wednesday. You can contact us Dr. Jones and Captain FatSlow have ters as he was hounded for several laps for a map or with any questions pulled out a comfortable gap to 5th entire committee by both Dr. Jones and French Fry, the you may have at motor@imperial. place and were in the middle of what former passing him by daring to out- ac.uk. would go down as a legendary battle, was disqualified brake into turn five and having French with the two karts swapping positions Fry cheekily follow suit. The following up to three times a lap! Time and lady for being too fast” lap, however, French Fry took the fight luck ran out on FatSlow, however, as to Dr. Jones through the hairpins onto Dr. Jones got away just after passing packed evening!) of Captain FatSlow the second banked corner, hugging the French Fry on the penultimate lap – who started waving his arms about in inside line and drawing alongside. The and Ballerina pulls off a sweet move on the air as his kart ground to a halt – as result was both karts side by side for Henry to re-claim his pride by joining there was no more fuel left to carry his fifteen seconds all the way into the committee pack as the chequered bulk around the track! He was stranded the first corner, where French flag fell – the order for the first race for three laps before being given a new Fry held his nerve and went and thus the starting order for the sec- kart that, which was lovingly described on to take position, barely ond race, was The Boss, followed by by FatSlow later: “I had to double my before the chequered flag Dr. Jones, French Fry, Captain FatSlow, braking distances because there were came out! Lube Boy, Bob the Builder, 2% Lager, no brakes, and every time I was tail- At the end of the race, Henry, Ballerina, and Arsen. ing someone I was almost bound to therefore, French Fry After a very quick five minute break, hit them under braking. I also couldn’t stood victorious from the karts were out on the grid once turn left and the tyres squealed even Dr. Jones and The again, unfortunately minus one fresher on the flat out banked corners, which Boss, with Lube Boy, who fell ill in the previous race after was rather scary…but DAMN it had a Captain FatSlow, 2% the intense session (a lot of us were good engine!”. Lager and Ballerina close to feeling that way too!). Now, He was put back into position in the just ahead of Henry however, the Boss was hoping to ce- race so that he was not three laps be- who was once again ment his domination of the event so hind everyone else, and proceeded to 8th, pride of the new- far, while Dr. Jones was finally in a unleash a can of whoop-ass as his anger comers. Post-race, however,

The three fastest newcomers to the motor club receive their breast oriented prizes 30 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Fun & Games [email protected] Wordoku 1,387 The Polygon of Erotic Exhilaration

E Q T O Q U E IP Q U I N A Q N A I S E Q B S T N O I O E S H U N T

How to rate yourself: Last week’s solution: rate, rest, rests, rets, sate, sates, seat, seats, O E S seta, sets, stab, stabs, star, stare, stares, Under 4 words: I can’t believe out of 500 The two letter word was: stars, tabes, tabs, tare, tares, tars, tasse, Solution to 1,386 Wordoku is identical to sudoku; million sperm you were the fastest. You tear, tears, teas, tress, tsar, tsars we’ve just replaced the numbers are out of your depth in your own smut BREASTS G S K U W Y A F E with letters. Once you’ve puddle. How to play U E F K A S G Y W completed the puzzle, there Congratulations if have got breasts. Y W A F G E K U S is a hidden word or phrase to 4 - 7 words: It’s sad that you are depriving Using the letters given, not more than F K Y W S G E A U find. Email in your answers to some poor village of an idiot. Other words included: once, make as many words as possible. . They must be at least four or more let- A G S E Y U W K F [email protected] 8 - 10 words: So nearly there... abet, abets, arts, assert, asset, aster, asters, ters long and each word you come up with W U E A F K S G Y The winner of the Wordoku barest, basest, basset, bast, baste, bastes, must include the central letter. Capitalised K A W Y E F U S G 1,386 was Alan Chu. The 11 or more words: You lover of linguis- basts, bate, bates, bats, beast, beasts, beat, words, conjugated verbs (past tense etc), E F G S U A Y W K hidden phrase was “GUY tics, worshipper of words, o giant of beats, best, bests, beta, betas, bets, brat, adverbs ending in “-ly”, comparatives and S Y U G K W F E A FAWKES”. grammatica. brats, breast, east, easts, eats, rate, rates, superlatives are disallowed. H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

You decide to climb This week you’re let Showers exist in the So... Super Mario through the hole in loose on the news Union! Hurrah! Of Galaxy is out today. your office ceiling pages. Somehow course, I’m not go- What the hell are where there’s a tile you manage to come ing to tell you where you doing reading panel missing. Fol- up with a story they are otherwise this horoscope? lowing the piping yourself and flesh you might come Unless you skipped leads to a cave. You’re just able to squeeze into out another one culminating in around 2000 and interfere with my downstairs mix up at 5 straight here, you’ve probably read a large the dank space where you’re greeted by six BC Wordsworth. I once lived BC. It was a dull o’clock in the morning. Sorry about that. Like- proportion of this paper too, meaning you’ve very surprised little monkeys. Thanks to your time you know. Most people had beards and wise, I’m not going to tell you about the secret wasted even more time not buying the greatest lunchtime Russian lessons you’re able com- Shockwaves hadn’t invented their Ultra Hold doorway I found in the Blackett building this game ever since Mario 64. Well, quite possibly. municate easily with them, even managing to formula yet so people wandered around with week, either. The Holy Grail is somewhere in I can feel it in my water. Or something. Is that ask for sugar with your Coca Cola. such lifeless hair. Tsk. Greenland though – you can have that one. pregnant women who do that?

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

My favourite kind of Personally I feel This week you look The rumour mill is Turkish rug is one the intake of new through a guide to really turning this of those ones which equity is going to Vietnam. Vietnam week bird watchers. has a rectangle drastically reduce sounds like a lovely In the red corner we going all the way our creditor N-CAP place to go to. have Albino Andrew around it. They’re rating thus reducing However, you’re and in the blue brilliant for playing pretend football on with the annual governance. It is tantamount to mummy wants to go to Malaysia, or Borneo at corner we have Mike Cook. The showdown your Boglins. Making sound effects too really paramount that this situation is avoided if we least. You’re not against this idea but Vietnam is pencilled in to begin next Wednesday. Be heightens the action. “Puttt... putttt... GOAL!” are to avert a crisis of consultant analystical sounds particularly beautiful. At the weekend there or be square, like the shape of a boxing One time, the fire place crackled and a spark proportions whilst maintaining a rise in hedge you’ll try and decide where you’re going to go ring. There’s going to be blood, juice, tears and leapt out and struck my temple. Now look at funds that increase capacity flow by two otherwise you’ll stab your mum in the groin most definitely little babies whirling round in me. I’m a mess. hundred and eighty three hundred percent. with a fish knife. blenders. Ok... bye then.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

During the night This week you step Ten down, two to So, I’ve resisted your bedroom off your bicycle go. I think this calls this far but it’s begins to shrink. slightly too quickly for a montage before time to unleash the Oddly enough it’s and your shin shat- the final act of “What does this not painful when ters beneath you. committing literary symbol resemble?” you wake up the How unfortunate. nonsense to paper. horoscope. Quite next day enclosed in a small box. Luckily your Seizing an ideal opportunity, a bicycle thief Er... montage... that might be tough to do clearly its a man diving into a swimming pool. head managed to poke out through the door who happens to be walking by attempts to with words. How about a collage? That’s near Rotating it 90 degrees anti-clockwise makes and your feet through the window. Going to steal your bike. You spear him with the re- enough: xopoxxxxoxopxxxxoxxpooooxxoxoxo it look like someone driving a car with no the salle du bains though... bad luck I’m afraid. mains of your splintered leg. xoxpppppxoxxoooooxxxxppxxooxoxooooxoxo steering wheel! Hehe! SNARF SNARF! Friday 16 November 2007 felix 31 [email protected] Fun & Games

Slitherlink 1,387 Answer for Slitherlink 7 2 2 Slitherlink 8 – Easy 2 2 3 2 1 2 2 3 3 222 3 Squares are not allowed either. There are never cells containing the number 4 in 222 1 2 2 Slitherlink. 3 2 3 2 3 22 3 So, where do you start? The most common place to start on a Slitherlink grid is by 1 1 1 drawing crosses around any zeros. Drawing 2 20 2 33 0 3 crosses is purely done to so that you know 2 2 where there can’t possibly be a line. So, take 1 0 3 1 3 the pattern below as an example. Begin by 2 2 22 3 1 2 drawing crosses, then by filling in some 2 2 3 3 lines: 2 3 222 2 2 2 2 1 2 How to play: Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is simi- x lar to Minesweeper mixed with a dash of x 0 x 3 32 1 232 3 3 Sudoku. x The object of the game is to draw lines between the dots to create one long, and most 2 122 2 2 1 2 importantly, looping line. It should have no start or finish; just like an elastic band. Now the lines can only continue in the fol- Each number indicates how many lines lowing directions: 311 21 1 should be drawn around it, for example:

2 3 2 1 1 2 3 x x 0 x 3 1 2 0 01 3Cells which don’t contain a number can be x surrounded by any number of lines. Remember, the line must form a loop, so the line cannot branch. The following situa- Ha, ha! We’ve sprung another gigantic 10x10 33 3 3 tions are not allowed: on you this week. Enjoy and keep linking! Logic Puzzle: A Cautionary Tale(or)

Using the clues and logical deduction Ensure that you read the clues care- 1. The girl who threw her snakebite tried to woo Bessie (who he didn’t ask 4. The girl who vomited on him prob- alone, work out how all the people fully. They can sometimes reveal mul- over him was responding to “Fancy a “Fancy a shag?”). ably didnt even hear him say “When involved in the match relate to each tiple hints! Remember that elimination shag?”. they made the alphabet, they should other. The puzzle can be solved with- of alternatives is a key method. That is 3. Amanda laughed at him when he have put U and I together”, the day after out guesswork. Make use of the grid to where the grid is so important - it al- 2. He tried to pull Ingrid (unsuccess- asked “Is it hot in here, or is it you?”. Gertie refused him by slapping him. mark the combinations that you know. lows you to see the possibilities left. fully) later in the week than he tried This was earlier in the week than to pull Gertie, but one day earlier in the day he tried to get into Madge’s 5. He asked “Did it hurt when you fell Read through each clue and make any Last week a certain ACC Chairman the week than on the day in which he knickers. from heaven?” on Tuesday. obvious or stated deductions. Find the tried to pull five girls in the Union. He corresponding row and column on the failed on every attempt. On which days grid and place a tick for ‘Yes’ in the box, did he pounce on each victim, what and a cross for ‘No’ in the cells next to was her name, what chat up line did he this one vertically and horizontally. use and what was the result? (Any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidential...!)

This week’s texts: MADGE GERTIE INGRID BESSIE Alphabet: U and I together or is it you? Is it hot in here Fancy a shag? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? VOMITED SLAPPED THREW DRINK IGNORED AMANDA I want only thing The between us is latex! LAUGHED “To the girl with the long blonde hair: I saw you in the JCR on MONDAY Tuesday. You were wearing a TUESDAY green coat which emphasised your beautiful eyes. I was the guy with WEDNESDAY the hoodie. You smiled at me. Fancy a drink?” THURSDAY FRIDAY “Third year physics boy, always sits on the second row with the LAUGHED blue jacket: get some deodorant”. VOMITED “MSC student in Aero, please stop chewing bubble gum in lectures.” SLAPPED 07980 148 785 THREW DRINK “I met a guy in the Union on Wednesday: I was wearing the IGNORED blue top, and he bought me TEXT US. The only thing I want a drink. Felix has my phone between us is latex! number: text me!” Last Week’s Solution: WE’RE LONELY Alphabet: U and I together “Dr Galvanetto: we love you!” Is it hot in here or is it you? Adam Jessica Beer Lone Masturbation IN OUR Matt Jane Gin and Tonic New Relationship “Happy Birthday Chrisie, from the Fancy a shag? Tom Sarah Snakebite Vomited Copiously BASEMENT Pickles! X” Did it hurt when you fell John Marcia Cider Stayed at hers from heaven? Chris Louise Ale Threesome 32 felix Friday 16 November 2007

Sport [email protected]

Fencing 2nds still unbeaten Worst win we’ve ever had!

Nathan and Norris respectively. Royal Maurice then elected to sub himself off with a converted try right before the Fencing Holloway were simply outclassed as for Nathan who was keen to give épeé Rugby end of the first half. Alex won his final match 5 – 2, Norris a go. He proved to be a roaring success, Imperial had something to prove, Imperial Men’s 2nd 135 romped to a 5 – 0 victory and Nathan quickly developing a unique kamikaze Middlesex Men’s 1st 7 they were not showing signs of a team Royal Holloway Men’s 1st 68 saw off his opponent 5 – 2. With the style of fencing whereby he dramati- Imperial Men’s 1st 25 who were top of the table, and after scores at 90 – 41 before going into cally launched himself at his opponent some stern words from the coach, cap- épeé, Imperial had already won, with with deadly accuracy. His opponent, tain and vice-captain, Imperial had to Maurice Berk pride the only thing left to play for. faced with such a vicious onslaught, Jovan Nedić get out of their complacent groove. Luka kicked épeé off with another slumped to a 5 – 1 defeat. Similarly, Sports Editor Changes were made with flanker Nick Imperial Men’s 2nd Fencing team ex- assured 5 – 4 victory against his first Alex and Luka both won their final Johnstone being brought on, only to tended their unbeaten start to the sea- opponent. Maurice struggled to a 2 – 5 matches 5 – 1 to wrap up yet another One minute and twenty seconds, that’s do a massive tackle, then throw up and son to three matches by demolishing defeat while Alex won his first match Imperial victory. ‘Man of the Match’ how long it took Imperial’s 1st XV to have to be taken off after only 5 min- an under-strength Royal Holloway 1st 7 – 5, leaving Imperial a point behind goes to Alex for his excellent debut. score against bottom of the league utes, hence earning himself the title of side. in that weapon. Maurice did better Imperial travel to rock-bottom Port- Middlesex. Second row Tom Zeal Twat of the Match. Things immediately looked promis- against his second opponent, win- smouth next week, as they aim to take charged down a kick from the Middle- But the side was slowly beginning to ing when Royal Holloway arrived with ning 6 – 4, while Luka won his second another giant step towards winning sex fly-half and then managed to scoop get back into their style of play, with only three fencers. As has become tra- match 5 – 2 and Alex drew his 5 – 5. the league. the ball up and score the opening try. prop Terry Addo (the other Twat of dition this season, sabre was fenced It seemed that this was going to be an the Match) putting in some big Ameri- first, with Luka Lukic given the all im- easy day, and this thought was definite- can football style hits. Centre James portant anchor position after his stun- ly embedded in everyone’s mind when Fletcher, showing his strength and skill, ning performance last week. He didn’t the ball was gracefully passed along the managed to put a huge hit on the Mid- disappoint, romping to a 5 – 2 victory line to the other second row Bo Saseg- dlesex winger from a high ball, only for over his first opponent and setting the bon who scored the second try 5 min- the referee to give a penalty for a ‘high’ tone for the rest of the match. Team utes later. tackle. Tom Carroll seemed to be the captain Maurice Berk struggled against It was at this point that the side be- only consistent player on the pitch, al- the opposing captain in his first con- gan to get complacent, especially in the ways running with intensity and tack- test, going down to a 5 – 6 defeat but forwards. Players were waiting in the ling with aggression, thus rightly earn- still leaving Imperial in the lead. Will attacking line, ready for their chance ing himself the Man of the Match title. Hoy found himself on the right side of of glory and to seal a dramatic victory. Eventually Imperial got back to the another close score-line, winning his However this was not going to be as level they had at the start of the game first match 5 – 4. Maurice continued to Middlesex realised what Imperial were and flanker James Pettit scored the fi- struggle, surrendering Imperial’s lead us to and decided to show them what nal try to leave the score at 25 – 7 at the as he suffered a heavy 4 – 8 defeat at they could do. And this was achieved full time whistle. the hands of his second opponent, but Luka quickly recovered it with a 6 – 0 victory. Will had a second close match, again winning 5 – 4 before Maurice redeemed himself with a 5 – 1 victory over his final opponent. With Will and Luka winning their final matches 5 – 2 and 5 – 0 respectively, sabre finished with Imperial enjoying a commanding lead at 45 – 27. Foil was up next and Nathan Blundell got things off to a great start with a 5 – 0 victory in his first match. New man Alex Bishop, in for the absent Ez Has- san, continued Imperial’s winning ways by brushing aside his opponent 5 – 3. Noris Lo made it three from three with another excellent 5 – 2 win. The rest of the weapon continued in this vein, with the second round of matches being won 5 – 0, 5 – 1 and 5 – 2 by Alex, Nathan and his kamikaze style of fencing Imperial’s backs attempting another attack on the Middlesex line

Fixtures and Results in association with Sports Partnership

Saturday 3rd November Waterpolo – ULU ICU Men’s 4th (ULU) 2 Lacrosse City University Men’s 1st N/A Football – ULU ICU 1st 9 Royal Veterinary College Men’s 1st (ULU) 3 ICU Women’s 1st 16 ICU Men’s 3rd N/A ICU Men’s 2nd 1 King’s 1st 7 Portsmouth Women’s 1st 1 ICU Men’s 1st 2 ICU Men’s 5th (ULU) 3 ICU Women’s 1st N/A St. Barts & Royal London Men’s 2nd (ULU) 3 Netball Reading Women’s 1st N/A Wednesday 14th November ICU 1st 52 Monday 12th November ICU Men’s 6th (ULU) 3 Queen Mary’s 1st 34 Tennis Badminton ICU Men’s 7th (ULU) 2 London Metropolitan Men’s 2nd 10 Basketball – ULU ICU Men’s 1st 3 ICU 2nd 11 ICU Men’s 1st 0 King’s Men’s 1st 62 UCL Men’s 1st 5 ICU Women’s 1st 1 University of the Arts 2nd 13 ICU Men’s 1st 81 Uni. of Bedfordshire (Luton) Women’s 1st 1 University of Chichester Men’s 1st 3 Brunel Men’s 2nd 8 Rugby Union ICU Men’s 2nd 7 ICU Women’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 2nd 0 Hockey Middlesex Men’s 1st 7 School of Pharmacy 1st N/A St. Mary’s UC Men’s 1st 6 ICU Men’s 1st 25 Reading Women’s 1st 2 Cardiff University Women’s 1st 6 ICU Men’s 1st 1 ICU Women’s 1st 8 Netball – ULU ICU Women’s 1st 2 ICU Men’s 2nd 39 King’s Medicals 4th 16 Canterbury Christ Church Men’s 2nd 5 Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd 0 Saturday 17th November ICU 2nd 9 Basketball ICU Men’s 2nd 3 ICU Men’s 1st N/A Imperial Medicals Men’s 3rd 24 Football – ULU ULU 4th 31 Reading Men’s 1st N/A Uni. of Bedfordshire (Luton) Men’s 1st 3 ICU Men’s 3rd 31 ICU Men’s 1st v LSE Men’s 3rd ICU 3rd 11 ICU Men’s 3rd 3 ICU Men’s 2nd v Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd Fencing ICU Men’s SESSA XV 0 UCL Men’s 5th v ICU Men’s 4th Squash – ULU Portsmouth Men’s 1st 116 St. George’s Hospital Men’s 2nd 5 Universities at Medway Men’s SESSA XV 53 RUMS Men’s 2nd v ICU Men’s 5th ICU Men’s 1st 5 ICU Men’s 2nd 134 ICU Men’s 4th 1 RUMS Men’s 4th v ICU Men’s 6th King’s College Men’s 2nd 0 Squash ICU Men’s 7th v LSE Men’s 6th Football ICU Women’s 1st 3 ICU Men’s 1st 5 ICU Men’s 3rd 4 Reading Men’s 2nd 0 Kingston Women’s 1st 2 King’s Men’s 2nd 0 Fencing King’s College Men’s 3rd 1 ICU Men’s 1st 3 Weekend Tournament ICU Women’s 2nd 2 ICU Men’s 2nd 4 ICU Women’s 1st v Cambridge Women’s 1st UCL Women’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 3rd 3 Buckinghamshire Chilterns Women’s 1st 0 LSE Men’s 1st 1 ICU Women’s 1st v Bristol Women’s 1st ICU Women’s 1st N/A Reading Men’s 5th 4 ICU Women’s 1st v Bath Women’s 1st ICU Women’s 1st v Oxford Women’s 1st Friday 16 November 2007 felix 33 [email protected] Sport IC Women’s mighty 8 seal first win of season

Football that if you are, in fact that good, you only need one player to be the backline. RUMS Women’s 1st 0 This gave IC the chance to push up and mount more serious attacks that were Imperial Women’s 1st 1 actually worth immortalising in type. With Kate and Emma providing even more support for the midfield/for- Emma Brett wards on the wings, RUMS were being stretched at the back and plays were With three last-minute drop-outs for made but most ended with anti-cli- the BUSA match against RUMS, IC matic shots off target. RUMS keeper’s Women’s Football were “reliving the first real challenge was presented when glory days” (as one of the more senior Yoke produced a beautiful, orgasmic members put it), by only managing to cross into the box, which landed per- field a team of 8 girls. Typically, RUMS fectly at Cheryl’s feet. Unfortunately, had a full team with two substitutes. she made a mess of it and hit it straight The formation for the day was 3-4 and into the keeper, which was a waste. the general tactic was to defend, defend The highlight of the first half, and and defend in hopes of a draw. what was to be “The Highlight” of the The first half began with winds of whole game, was IC keeper Emily’s the “balls-kicked-into-the-air-aren’t- save (worthy of ‘Match of The Day’). going-to-go-very-far” type against IC. RUMS had taken a powerful shot from All eight players in the IC half tried to just outside the box and it was heading look as big as possible to the advancing for the top left hand corner of the goal, RUMS, who were all for exploiting IC’s leaving the IC team unable to do much setback. else but watch. However, Emily made a RUMS began by attacking heavily, spectacular dive and just managed to with clever touches from one or two get a touch on the ball with her finger- of their players to get the hearts of the tips to send it out for a corner. Because IC players racing. Often the RUMS half of her, IC quite happily ended the first The ladies football team posing after their win against RUMS was left undefended and counter at- half with a 0-0 score line and a fighting tacks led by the infamous Pavidra were chance. fairly successful, resulting in a number When the second half started, IC caused one of the defenders to collide on its way to ending in a draw. But, as ground, past the defence before hitting of corners. At the time, corners seemed were in the driving seat (even with the with the goalkeeper, leaving the goal fate would have it, there was still a goal the far post and crossing the line. And like the only way IC might actually be two RUMS substitutes being brought wide open for a scary second. Fortu- to be scored. in true Cheryl fashion, she had lost her able to score. Unfortunately there was on) and were beginning to look more nately, Kate charged in to take care of With fifteen minutes left until full balance and had watched the events only so much four or five players can like the team who were undefeated last everything, kicking the ball out for a time, Cheryl netted her first goal for unfold whilst lying flat on her back in do against eleven defending and the season. Within seconds, IC was already throw-in. IC. In an attempt to keep the ball the grass. 1-0 to IC! corners surmounted to nothing for down in the RUMS’ penalty box giving Frustration began to set in for RUMS from going out for a goal kick, Cheryl Heavy defending followed to protect most of the time. their backline a run for their money. as the clock wore on. IC’s Lily took managed to get around a RUMS de- the precious lead but still, it did not The IC backline played the offside With the captain screaming encour- quite a few pushes which aggravated a fender, who was chasing the ball out, stop Pavidra from leading charges into trap well, causing the overzealous ref- agement and a couple of threats to her sustained injury, but she still soldiered and she stretched out with her right the RUMS’ half with her lightning feet. eree to have a field day with his whistle team, RUMS finally made a push and on, as did Emma, despite having being leg to smack the ball back towards the Finally, the whistle blew and a very calling, frequently calling RUMS off- bore down on the IC goal. A couple of viciously stomped on. With exhaustion goal, just as it was inches away from tired IC side celebrated their unlikely, side. With about fifteen minutes left awkward bounces from the ball and setting in and tensions running high, it the backline. The RUMS keeper was but definitely well-earned victory. to the first half, Ms. Larice had proven miscommunication in the IC defence, looked as though this match was well left rooted and the ball flew along the Bring on the next match.

Close but no cigar How protein helps in sports performance

Ben Richens ‘first’ or ‘primary importance’ and through the meals of the day. This is just for IC fencing when it is digested it is broken down an example and will change depending So what’s your sport? At Imperial we into amino acids. These acids have a on your activity level and other factors. have a very wide range of sports peo- number of functions in the body but Consult a member of the Energia team Imperial Men’s 1st Fencers lose out to ple playing in teams from badminton what we’ll concentrate on in this arti- about this if you are unsure. to football and rugby to volleyball- do cle is their role in muscle tissue repair. Playing sport puts various intense Southampton 1st in a tight battle you know what they all have in com- Sources of protein are all around us. demands on your body- sprinting, mon? Well they all, in their own unique Below is a list of common foods con- passing, catching, shooting and tack- way, place great demands on the body taining protein and whilst it is not a full ling etc. Getting the right amount of disappointment). Unfortunately this and in order to improve your sports list, it gives you a general idea; protein is essential if you want to per- Fencing change did not have the desired affect performance it’s crucial to recover. Beef, turkey, chicken, ham, fish, form at your best. and foil ended with a deficit of 11 hits Getting the right amount of food is es- spinach, tuna, nuts, eggs, dairy prod- Imperial Men’s 1st 119 in favour of Southampton. sential to this recovery process. ucts (milk, cheese) as well as protein Southampton Men’s 1st 124 Next up was epee to salvage the mess So what are these demands? Well for supplements (more about these in a the foil team had created, and after a example, the impact of nine times your moment). rocky start (mentioning no names- body weight is taken by your legs when Other foods will have a certain de- Chris Gilliam Ed!) Imperial started to make up the you run at high speeds; or during a golf gree of protein in them as well. For ex- deficit. In particular, Sjoerd’s stunning swing, up to 90% of the shear force it ample, wholemeal bread contains 5-6 After the setback of the first match, individual performance, handing out can take to cause serious injury in the grams per slice so getting your quota last week was crunch time for the 7 unanswered hits, to gain the ‘Man spinal column, can occur. These de- of protein isn’t all about gorging on Men’s 1st Fencing team as they needed of the Match’ award. Consequently, mands aren’t just limited to high per- mounds of meat - variety is best when nothing less than a win to keep their by the time the epee team had worked forming athletes. Whether you work picking your sources of protein. chances of being promoted alive (and their magic the scores were level, at 79 out at the gym, like to run around So on to the subject of supplements, to stop the gloating from the men’s 2nd hits a piece. Hyde Park or do nothing at all, your a much discussed topic – what to take, team). This chance came in the form The last weapon of the contest was body needs the correct amount and ra- how much, when to take it and how of- of a home match against Southampton sabre, bearing the hopes of the team tio of macronutrients (carbohydrates, ten - these will be explored in a future men’s 1st. (especially the under-performing foil- fat and protein) just to stay alive! article. For now, let’s take a step back – Like the previous match, foil was the ists). Once again, they did not get the This week’s lesson is on protein. is the food we are eating good enough first weapon to be contested and fol- perfect start everyone wanted how- When this word comes up, people’s to start with? Remember, supplements lowing the slightly under par perform- ever with an excellent comeback, Alex minds often conjure up images of a are just as the name suggests - supple- ance the week before, there was a large steered the team into the lead so that muscle-bound bodybuilder shovelling menting what we eat already. So let’s amount of pressure on them to step it going into the final bout Imperial led heaps of a suspicious looking powder sort the basics out first, and then we up a gear. With this in mind, the captain in sabre (and overall) by 2 hits. into a container after a workout in the can think about supplements. decided that a change was required in Thus after 26 bouts of fencing, the gym. Let’s get away from this miscon- A good guide to eating the right the anchor position (the most impor- whole match came down to the 27th ception. As I mentioned above, no mat- amount of protein is to aim for around tant position in the team). However, and final bout. Things were not meant ter what your sport is, or even if you 0.8-1.5 grams of protein per kg of contrary to all advice given to him, to be and we lost by a narrow margin of don’t play any sport, getting the right bodyweight per day. So, a 60kg female instead of putting himself as anchor 5 hits. Yet again leaving only the trip to amount of protein is very important. footballer would need around the 60g Natural vs. Manufactured- are he chose Nathan (much to Nathan’s the bar as consolation. Protein translated from Latin means mark of protein per day, spread evenly you using them the right way? 34 felix Friday 16 November 2007

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Best loss ever for Men’s 1st! News in brief

Table Tennis Sportsman Spotlight Imperial Men’s 1st 6 London Met. Men’s 1st 11 Hannah Bryars – Fencing

Achievements: Michael Sathyendran At county level I became Cornwall Sabre Champion in 2006, whilst at I’d like to start by saying that this was a national level I have been ranked probably the most satisfactory defeat 1st in Great Britain at U17 and U20 we’ll have, if such a thing exists. Don’t levels in 2001/02. At the Common- get me wrong, we’re disappointed to wealth Games, we won the Team have lost but sometimes you just have Silver Medal and in 2006 I became to admit that the other team was better BUSA Women’s Foil Champion and (or half of their team was better, in this IDEA League Winner for the team case). UCL, a team who we narrowly event. lost to, were ‘spanked’ 15-2 by London Met in the opening week, so we knew Aspirations: we were going to have a tough night. To win a Commonwealth gold med- Daniel Andersson was drafted in to an Smash al, consistently win the big British already strong Imperial team consist- Personal Details: competitions and to win the BUSA ing of Wei Lun, Kevin and Gaetan. Our Age: 20 Premier League with Imperial opponents boasted a Number 1 and even they would probably struggle) and is growing in confidence and picking Course: Medicine 2 pairing of Zhi Tao Jiang and Hong they single-handedly won the game for up a head of steam. In fact, I think Year: 2 BUSA: Ming Zhang. The former plays for the their team. Sampson was even growling between Sport: Fencing Being a part of the Imperial team top team in the British Premier League, However, when they were gone, the winning points! Yes, that’s right, mak- Highest Senior GB Ranking: 3rd that got promoted to the Premier and according to the IC players who “competitive” match got going. Gaetan ing audible growling sounds, much to League last year was absolutely bril- played, the latter is better than him. So won Imperial’s first sets of the day (!) the amusement (and bemusement) of Representative Honours: liant. We were undefeated in the SE yeah, they’re good. but it was not enough, as he lost an ab- those watching. He seems very tame I have been fortunate to have gained Conference and lost out narrowly to Incidentally I was umpiring some of sorbing encounter with Sampson Reid, off the court, though, I can assure you. several caps at various levels. At Cambridge in the Cup competition. the Girls’ matches against Middlesex going down 11-8 in the final set. Wei Daniel took little notice of this and county level, I have had 2 caps for This year we have ambitions to make at the time, which is something you Lun also lost out to Sampson (3-1), but went back to the kind of play that gave Cornwall, whilst at a national level, a mark in our new league and ensure naturally look forward to. Indeed, I no- at one stage looked to be taking the him the lead, dominating rallies close I have represented Scotland at U16 that we remain there for next year. ticed fellow IC Table Tennis member/ game into a decider, only to fall 11-9 to the table and again taking the set and U18, captaining the side three To round off a successful season, we spectator, Jerry, rush over at the first in the 4th. Kevin had fewer problems comfortably to win 3-2. times. I have also taken part in the joined forces with the men’s team to opportunity to umpire Anusha’s match with him though, to record a 3-1 vic- It was a nice end to a difficult match. U17 and U20 World Championships take on universities in Europe in the with Egle Adomelyte of Middlesex… tory. Mert Kirteler proved a much It would have been easy to get dis- and have also competed in the Com- IDEA league and were the winners even though they were already 3 sets easier assignment for the IC players heartened when staring down a 9-0 monwealth Games. of the tournament. in. But I found myself getting more dis- as all beat him comfortably in straight deficit with the match already lost, but tracted by the play from London Met’s sets. The last match of the night was we showed great determination to take Chinese duo on the other tables – and between Daniel and Sampson. Daniel 6 of the next 8 rubbers. As long as they that’s saying a lot. They came, played 9 got off to a flying start taking the first keep the same team, no one will get New pink cricket balls games between them (including a dou- two sets with much ease but possibly close to London Met this season, and bles) without dropping a set, and left. due to a lack of concentration, was few will manage to take 6 games off Jovan Nedić cricket balls is for them to retain They’re completely out of our league pegged back to 2-2. It is important to them. We can take many positives out Sports Editor their colour after being whacked sev- (we’ll leave England’s top players to regain your composure in these situa- of this match and look forward to what eral times. It is this that the scientists handle them in the future, although tions, especially when your opponent will hopefully be a successful season! The MCC have set Imperial College will be working on, more specifically scientists the task of making new figuring out a way to impregnate the cricket balls pink over the coming ball with the colour and then stop- winter. The reasoning behind this ping the grass discolouring it. is that pink is better to spot than To begin with, the ball will be used the traditional red ball during day at university level and second XI Miner socs go paintballing matches, as well as easier to see than matches at the start of next season. the white balls for night games. It The eventual aim is for the balls to is suggested that the pink balls will be used in Twenty-20 matches and Jon Downing deemed himself good enough to paint- gin. Good use of smoke grenades in give the batsman an extra fraction then one-day internationals. ball in a T-shirt. the bunker stage gave sufficient cover of a second to spot the ball, however Previously, orange balls were con- In it’s second year, the annual paint- The next round was speedball, a for both teams to grab the flag in their bowlers will probably be thinking sidered but they were hard to see on balling competition between Materi- small, manic area – where we again attempts. that this takes the edge away from television. Hopefully the pink one als and Geology is quickly becoming a got trashed. The third stage inventively A grand-prix-esque celebration fea- their bowling. will be better for both the teams and tradition. Four geologists and a token called barrels, allowed some more tac- turing a magnum of champagne was Apparently, the challenge with the the television. physicist joined 25 material scientists tical play by the blues, who eventu- thrown for the winning team. This at 7.30am in the union. A disappoint- ally got some FIT points! That’s Flag- confused pseudo-fresher Borja, thinking turn out amongst Geology was In-Transit, not Fitty-In-Team as one ing that the alcohol was for consum- mainly driven by a mass field trip the might expect. ing, he tried to neck it before being Imperial Team of the Week following weekend. This prompted Lunch was provided by Pizza Hut reminded that it was for spraying. The Steph, the De La Beche President, to who, it seems, make the best margh- best bruise went to Chumley but on proclaim that they would have lost the erita pizzas ever. The hungry students later inspection, probably should have match anyway. quickly finished off 15 or so in order to been awarded to Hanyan for the huge With the teams being pre-decided by make it out for the last two stages of one on her arm. An awesome trip, Post, who listed everyone he wanted to the day, village and bunker. The white thanks to everyone for coming. shoot in one column and everyone he team performed well in the village and Overall a win for Materials! Better didn’t mind hitting in crossfire in the managed to increase their point mar- luck next time Geology! other column, we boarded our coach to Croydon. Upon arrival we donned our camo gear, face masks and helmets and proceeded to wage war. In one corner, the white team crowded behind green meshing, in the other the blue team hauled up on the ramparts of a wood- en castle. Blows were exchanged; I was shot in the face. A subsequent sound on the whistle stopped the game show- Tennis Men’s 2nd ing a triumphant white player, flag in hand. Defend and then attack- our This week, Sports Partnership along seen them rise to joint first in the Fe- turn. I quickly realised how little accu- with Felix Sport have chosen the Ten- lix Sports League. racy paintball guns have. It’s a matter- nis Men’s 2nd team as their ‘Team of The winning streak continued this of-the-numbers game – get close and the Week’. week with a great win against Chich- hope one shot finds its target. Having The team has had a great start to ester Men’s 1st, and it will hopefully been shot out before time again, our the season- comfortably beating all continue for weeks to come. team knew we were up against an ex- their opponents so far, which has Great result guys. perienced foe, especially Kevin who Splat! (I couldn’t fill the whole page so I had to use a random picture!) Friday 16 November 2007 felix 35 [email protected] Sport Strapping up the thumb Sports league

ger. This ligament supports pinch and mean the injured part will not be dam- grasp activities, and helps the hand aged further. In an ideal, and perhaps Week 7 and a lot more results are in. each. With the Hockey Men’s 1st los- function properly. sensible world, participation would be The ranking of the teams is based on ing their fixture on Wednesday, they Due to the often traumatic and/or halted until the injury had recovered the Felix Index (FI), which is calculated slip 5 places to 9th and are replaced by ‘accidental’ nature of this injury there fully, but usually injuries such as this as follows: FI = (W*5) + (D*2) – (L*4). Rugby Men’s 1st in 4th place. are usually no signs and symptoms. that are often deemed as ‘small’ and Only teams with 5 games or more will A mid table scrap is beginning to However following injury you may ‘insignificant’ knocks will not bring an be considered in the overall champion- emerge between the men’s Badminton notice some or all of these symptoms: end to play, but this depends largely on ship at the end of year. 2s and Rugby 3s, as well as the ladies thumb pain, thumb swelling and bruis- an individuals pain threshold! With this week’s results in, Net- Football, Lacrosse and Squash ing, loss of range of motion and func- ball 1st, Squash Men’s 1st and Tennis At the bottom of the table, the poor tional ability, poor grip. Men’s 2nd (this week’s Team of the start to the season by Hockey Men’s If you are uncertain about what dam- Week) continue their unbeaten streak 4th and Football Men’s 2nd, leave them age has actually taken place, it is advis- and are top of the table with 25 points both rooted to the bottom of the table. able to consult a sports injury expert/ GP in order to treat it effectively. Team P W D L F A Diff % FI Ice packs and compressions are the 1 Netball 1st 5 5 0 0 287 125 162 100 25 best treatments immediately follow- 2 Squash Men's 1st 5 5 0 0 25 0 25 100 25 ing injury, alongside rest and elevation 3 Tennis Men's 2nd 5 5 0 0 41 9 32 100 25 where possible. Sprains are usually re- 4 Rugby Union Men's 1st 6 5 0 1 125 49 76 83.3 21 solved in around 4-6 weeks and can be 5 Fencing Men's 2nd 4 4 0 0 525 423 102 100 20 Hannah Barr aided by physiotherapy and/or sports 6 Tennis Women's 1st 4 3 1 0 30 10 20 75 17 Energia Fitness Instructor remedial massage treatment. For addi- 7 Squash Men's 2nd 5 4 0 1 17 8 9 80 16 tional pain relief, use anti-inflammato- 8 Football Men's 1st 4 2 2 0 8 3 5 50 14 A thumb sprain is a partial tearing of ry gels and/or NSAID’s. EAB strapping over underwrap 9 Hockey Men's 1st 5 3 1 1 15 9 6 60 13 the ulnar collateral ligament and is Strapping up the thumb is relatively 10 Rugby Union Men's 2nd 5 3 1 1 113 77 36 60 13 commonly associated with contact simple, and these guidelines should 11 Hockey Women's 1st 5 2 2 1 17 13 4 40 10 sports such as rugby, as well as foot- help. An underwrap is used to protect You could use the EAB support meth- 12 Volleyball Women's 1st 2 2 0 0 6 1 5 100 10 ball goalkeepers, volleyball, skiing and skin from abrasion during play, and od once injury has actually occurred 13 Cricket Men's 1st 5 3 0 2 926 678 248 60 7 gymnastics. Today I’ll focus on rugby. particularly when pulling taping off. because it will provide greater stabil- 14 Table Tennis Women's 1st 3 2 0 1 9 6 3 66.7 6 This injury is particularly common ity and protection. Then, if preferred, 15 Football Women's 1st 4 1 2 1 3 3 0 25 5 within rugby due to the aggressive at- use a more flexible support when ap- 16 Basketball Men's 1st 1 1 0 0 70 42 28 100 5 tacking nature of the game. It can oc- plying as a preventative measure, such 17 Rugby Union Women's 1st 1 1 0 0 50 5 45 100 5 cur when sufficient force is applied to as a tubi-grip/modified wrist splint, so 18 Rugby Union Men's 3rd 6 3 0 3 128 92 36 50 3 the thumb in a direction away from more movement is possible whilst also 19 Lacrosse Women's 1st 4 2 0 2 31 31 0 50 2 the hand. This could be as a result of giving some support. 20 Squash Women's 1st 4 2 0 2 10 7 3 50 2 catching the ball, where the ball hits It is recommended that remedial 21 Badminton Men's 2nd 4 2 0 2 15 17 -2 50 2 the top of the thumb forcibly bending exercise should focus on regaining 22 Cricket Men's 2nd 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 it, when tackling or when being tack- dexterity, mobility and strength of the 23 Equestrian 1st 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 led, and also during a maul when the thumb, fingers and hand as a whole. 24 Equestrian 2nd 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 opponent will try to prise thumb and Regaining dexterity can be done with 25 Fencing Women's 1st 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 fingers away from the ball to effectively therapeutic putty, hand therapy balls 26 Golf 1st 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 (albeit painfully) loosen grip. will relieve thumb stiffness whilst re- 27 Volleyball Men's 1st 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Due to this particularly rough sport, sistance exercises that tax grip ability 28 Water Polo Men's 1st 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 often players choose to protect the Underwrap strapping will restore normal hand and thumb 29 Hockey Men's 2nd 5 2 0 3 23 12 11 40 -2 thumbs with a support bandage dur- strength. 30 Hockey Women's 2nd 5 2 0 3 7 21 -14 40 -2 ing training and matches. However In order to avoid this in the future, it 31 Fencing Men's 1st 3 1 0 2 347 344 3 33.3 -3 this may prove to be uncomfortable Elastic adhesive bandage (EAB) is a comes back to the preventative meas- 32 Table Tennis Men's 1st 3 1 0 2 30 21 9 33.3 -3 and make gripping and catching more flexible tape that provides support, but ure of taping-up during play, or simply 33 Netball 2nd 3 1 0 2 87 87 0 33.3 -3 challenging due to reduced hand and allows some movement and stretch. being prepared with the correct first 34 Squash Men's 3rd 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0 -4 thumb mobility. This protective layer will help prevent aid provisions to deal with the acute 35 Hockey Men's 3rd 5 1 1 3 6 9 -3 20 -5 Signs and symptoms of a thumb further damage during play. Obviously phase, i.e. RICE (refer to previous is- 36 Tennis Men's 1st 5 1 1 3 16 34 -18 20 -5 sprain will be pain and tenderness due to the aggressive nature of rugby, sue) if it occurs. 37 Badminton Women's 1st 3 0 1 3 10 22 -12 0 -10 over the ulnar collateral ligament of the player will still need to attack or 38 Badminton Men's 1st 5 1 0 4 18 22 -4 20 -11 the thumb. This ligament is located at defend in the same way as usual, so NB: Treatment for a complete 39 Football Men's 3rd 5 0 1 4 4 16 -12 0 -14 the ‘web space’ between the base of the the support is simply there to act as a ligament tear would be different 40 Football Men's 2nd 4 0 0 4 2 13 -11 0 -16 thumb and the base of the index fin- barrier to tissue damage. It does not to the advice given. 41 Hockey Men's 4th 4 0 0 4 3 14 -11 0 -16

Crossword No. 1,387 Answers to: [email protected]

The winner of last week’s crossword 1 2 3 5 6 7 ACROSS DOWN 1 Brilliant, in what sounds like a great 1 I was unclear about soulless Yale as one was Alex Crosse. Well done sir. Please mind (9) of the country’s top universities (9) do keep the entries coming in – hope- 5 Obliterate the very best of facial 2 Alcoholic drink found among fully there will be a prize draw of some products (5) aborigines (3) kind at the end of the year and you 8 9 10 11 8 Craving for exotic currency (3) 3 Direction of the broken thorn (5) might be in with a chance of winning 9 Abstain from the chorus (7) 4 I was locked in the broken safe by the that £800,000. No lie. Well, when I say 11 Paddle into a rough storm (3) soldier (7) that I mean the prize draw isn’t a lie... 12 Break my heart, O Gaia (5) 5 Possible to do half a dance (3) the bonanza prize might be slightly 12 13 14 15 14 Ride around Ontario during a 6 Run away, or send the Pole back East less than 800 very big ones. windstorm (7) 7 School of comedy leading to Enjoy this week’s crossword! 16 Public demand for Charles to become communism? (7) George, thus having beauty and 10 Tale of reckoning (7) Tomo, on behalf of Enoch 16 17 18 19 charm (7) 13 Come to the conclusion that there is 18 Unvarying outfit (7) nothing imaginary, for instance, about 20 Examine bug having swallowed page integers (7) Solution to Crossword 1,386 (7) 15 The belief that there is nothing on a 20 21 22 23 T A I L O R S O B 22 Suggest that the elf is a little loopy (5) wing (7) C S P A D E C O T A 24 A short article (3) 17 It’s not very well known that baby O B R E A D T H R N 25 Ointment applied to wounded cat in Cupid was crippled (7) R E E L A I A H E A D organization (7) 19 Ordinary seamen surround quiet Royal P G C S P O T A I 24 25 26 27 27 The seven dwarves provide a Engineers, and keep them down by S L O T H O U T E M P T conclusion (3) force (7) A I M P A S S E R 28 Nuclear warhead explodes my male 21 A drawing without a title is still a B R O O M P R R U L E R relative (5) drawing (7) V P R O V E R B S 28 29 30 31 30 Words put in emphasis to indicate 23 Chief of Yard identifies plate with a P A S T A S X O B E S E how socialists’ hearts are not in the Germanic language (7) O O N A I L X G L right place (7) 24 Turn the pages of a rule-provider (5) W A L T Z T S A G U E 32 Nothing in the goblet to divide up 26 Glimpse of an international wizard (5) D A E P I S T L E C 32 33 and sell illiegally (7) 29 Murmur lovingly to a tailless coot (3) E C U E O A A L E T 33 Sounds like I whip facial hair (7) 31 Anger in Ireland (3) R YT SE E T SK NE UI OG GH YT P S U M Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only

Jovan Nedić Sports Editor OK, so I made a few mistakes last week. With the overwhelming response I’ve been getting from all the clubs and societies out there, it was bound to happen at sometime. That’s not me saying don’t bother sending stuff in, that’s just me saying that I’m glad you lot are, just be patient with me if I make a mistake. Anyway, so last week I managed to put the wrong name in for some of the articles. Last week’s Ladies Seconds article was actually written by Arabella Walker, not Amanda Cheung, so sorry Bella! And secondly the mountaineer- ing feature, whose pictures I must say were really awesome, was written by Sebastian Nordgren and not Alex Borresen. The last few weeks have been amazing though guys, with there being consistently five or more pages of sport in Felix. All I can say is, keep it coming. There are still so many fantastic results out there that haven’t been reported on, for example the Men’s 1st Squash team who have been absolutely demolishing all their opponents with 5 - 0 wins; let’s hear about some of them, guys. Finally, plans are under way to produce a special Varsity Sports Pullout. Fire! My aim is to include every single varsity match that takes place, hopefully with photos. Varsity Day is on the 27th February 2008, so keep the day free in MatSoc and De La Beche fight it out, see page 34 your diaries. Table Tennis Ladies’ great start to debut season

who were without one of their key against Sarah and created chances but hitting winners to claim the third set. It’s been a good effort in our first Table Tennis players, Abigail Embling- the 2007 played the wrong shots at the wrong With the rhythm flowing, I built up year and we are optimistic about this BUSA Singles Champion (who is tak- time, losing 11-6, 11-7, 11-7. Nan put an 8-4 lead in the fourth set but failed season. Next up is LSE but after that Imperial Women’s 1st 5 ing time out to represent England) and up a good fight against Sarah but lost to take my chances and Egle used her is London Metropolitan, who have Essex Women’s 1st 0 we seemed to have them scared (Nan 11-7, 9-11, 11-4, 11-6. Finally I played greater power and experience to win former Olympic bronze medallist Fei nearly beat Abigail at the BUSA cham- Egle who stamped her authority in the match 11-5, 11-9, 7-11, 11-9 and Ming Tong!! We might need protective pionships!). They failed to turn up and the first two sets. I played aggressively seal victory for Middlesex. gear for that one! Table Tennis we benefited from a walkover. The following week we visited King’s Imperial Women’s 1st 3 College who had Emma Weil –a former England Top 10 Junior. Nan and I both King’s Women’s 1st 2 beat her team-mate Alexandra comfortably. Nan gave a good effort but lost to Emma 3-0. As I won the 1st set comfortably against Emma, things Table Tennis looked encouraging but Emma used her heavy sidespin serves and prevailed Middlesex Women’s 1st 4 3-1. In the doubles, which ultimately Imperial Women’s 1st 1 decided the rubber, we won the first two sets comfortably. The King’s duo battled back to take the third set but Anusha Seneviratne we held our nerve and won the match 3-1 to claim the win and send us to the We are making our debut in the BUSA top of the table. Women’s League in 2007. I have played Last week we played Middlesex who against many of the top players in this are one of the strongest teams in the league before, as I represented an Eng- country. They have Egle Adomelyte; land junior team and have experience England No.6 and Runner-up at this at a national level. Nan Luan won the year’s BUSA championships (she beat Women’s Plate at the BUSA champion- me en-route) and Sarah Brown; an- ships this February and we teamed up other former England Top 10 Junior. to win the Women’s Doubles bronze Nan started promisingly against Egle medal, giving us great confidence for taking the first set but Egle showed her this season. greater experience, to come through Our first match was against Essex, 3-11, 11-6, 11-3, 12-10. I kept it tight Nan Luan and Anusha Senevirante