“Keep the Cat Free”

11/01/13 Issue 1535 felixonline.co.uk I, SCIENCE is out now! This issue explores the moral dilemmas scientists face. Pick up a copy from the distribution points around campus! Charing Cross and Hammersmith Inside...>> hospital A&E departments to close FEATURE

Aemun Reza News Editor and will make a decision on 19 Febru- ary 2013. It is estimated that all chang- es to the hospitals, and any involving Charing Cross and Hammersmith the Imperial medical school moving A&E departments are going to be location will take roughly three years. closed. Th e A&E department will be ex- Following a public consultation last panded in Chelsea and Westminster year, the decision was made concern- Hospital to accommodate for the resi- ing the future of the Hammersmith dents needs and will offi cially be a ma- and Fulham borough hospitals. Char- jor hospital. Th e changes also include How your revision ing Cross Hospital will now become a the closure of the hyper-stroke unit of local hospital and Hammersmith Hos- Charing Cross Hospital. tactic sucked 10 pital will be a specialist hospital. Imperial College London, which is a >> Th e Imperial College Medical separate entity to the Imperial College School, based at Charing Cross, may Health Care Trust, supported the plan, have to move as a result. although the letter was not well publi- Th e Joint Committee of Primary cised and was behind a login wall on COMMENT Care Trusts is considering the outcome the website. of the Shaping a Healthier Future pro- It will likely take about three years posal (to close the A&E Departments) for the plans to fully come into >> 4 Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial? Visting the Church of Atheism >> 18

HANGMAN

We may not have the fancy spires, How does our workload compare? A four page special 33 but how do we compare to Oxbridge? Special Report: Page 6 for New Year >> 2 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY EDITOR’S PICKS 19 26 27 COMMENT >> TV >> FOOD >> Did you do SOLE Doctor Whaaaat? Jamie to the test This week, there’s an article la- The Doctor Who Christmas New year and new food. menting the Imperial apathy. Special was another episode Simple recipes and a test Particularly with regards to tell- with a lame ass “oh it was of Jamie’s latest cookbook. ing our Departments about the LOVE or some shit that did it” Food Editor Sophia goes problems with the degree. endings... head to head with him.

CLASSIFIEDS Just be honest Web designer wanted The Medical Student Newspaper needs a designer with experience of building multi-platform web- Tim Arbabzadah sites to specifi cation from scratch. Editor-in-Chief

We will be selecting applicants based on previous et me level with you. Since would be a really great way of seeing el times very long. I’ve been in an am- experience, quoted time-scale and price. becoming Editor I have how “hard” the degrees are and a great bulance with someone and can tell you, very often worn glasses. I way of ranking universities. However, the quicker it gets to the hospital the Lconsider myself a contact endless time and resources, and the better for both patient and those with wearer. However, I ran out ability to get every student to honestly them anxiously waiting. If they said “we Potential applicants should contact the Editor-in- of contacts and I just haven’t had the say the exact amount of time they are have to close A&E Departments as we Chief with questions and applications, at editor. time to go to get more. Okay, I’ll be more working each week, is pretty much im- need to reduce our defi cit and we think honest, I have had the time to get more possible. It would be a great article, but this is a good way of doing it as with no [email protected] contacts; I just personally preferred to isn’t possible, so we had to do what we money we can’t run any hospitals” and spend that time relaxing. So, in the spirit could with our limited resources. I think say “in my position what would you do? of honesty, I have changed the picture it still has its merits. In fact, I think the No hospitals, or some with reduced ser- Deadline for application is 31st January 2013, 1pm above. That’s a more accurate represen- pure contact hour approach is a good vice” then at least they would be being tation of what I usually look like when I indicator for science subjects about honest. If money were not an issue here walk about campus (except in real life how much work you are expected to do. would you still close them? That’s my I’m much more handsome, and taller, More lectures and labs = more work at key question to them. You can all guess just). I’m sorry for duping you all for so home, as more revision, because you the answer to that one. (Note that I’m long, but I decided to fess up. I hope you have more content to learn. deliberately ignoring the possibility that appreciate me telling you the truth and Why not engineering subjects? To it’s all just about making the Trust into a LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: Finding these is a perk of the job not sugar coating it. be honest: it’s because it was diffi cult Primary Health Care Trust.) The reason I say this is because of to compare Cambridge and Impe- Of course, they could be being com- some of the articles in the News sec- rial as they do General Engineering pletely honest and have no worries tion. Relax, I haven’t made a bunch of and also couldn’t fi nd the information. about the defi cit at all. The trouble is stuff up. Matt Proctor’s article compar- So, instead of only some information, I that everyone is so full of spin, sugar ing Oxbridge to Imperial is an interesting thought it’s best to focus on the science coating, and gentle positive highlight- read and shows that some people have and medicine and leave the engineering ing that people assume someone is at- it just as tough, if not tougher, than us. to a possible later date. Also, if you keep tempting to pull the wool over your eyes. Truth is: I wish we could have managed holding features like this back until they It’s problematic to say the least. to compare the full timetable and also a are perfect then you will never run them. So, tell the truth, then maybe every- mean “time working” statistic between The reason I thought of honesty one can just be honest and we’ll be able all equivalent (and roughly equivalent) was because of the front page about to have constructive, serious, real world courses at Imperial and Oxbridge. the hospitals closing the A&E Depart- discussions. Unfortunately, as you can I’m sure ments. Shaping a Healthier Future... by Oh, and that drop cap (the big “L”) at understand, that would take an insane closing A&E Departments and making the start was supposed to always be in amount of time, effort and research. It a hub in one hospital that will make trav- editorials, but I kept forgetting to do it.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2013. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah Deputy Editor Saskia Verhagen Assistant Editor Matt Colvin News Editor Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud Features Editors Caroline Wood, Stephen Smith Business Editor Deepka Rana Science Editors Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett Politics Editors Padraic Calpin, Marie-Laure Hicks Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti Comment Editors George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson Fashion Editors Alex Ramadan, Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang Arts Editors Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Music Editors Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter Television Editor Lucia Podhorska Film Editors Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles Games Editor Ross Webster Technology Editor Jason Parmar Coffee Break Boss Matt Colvin Travel Editor Veronika McQuade Sports Editors Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky Online Editors Philip Kent, Jonathan Kim Puzzles Commanders Louisa Byrne, Sotirios Karamitsos Copy Chief Annina Sartor Copy Editors Al Norman Illustrators Hamish Muir, Outi Supponen Check the website for today’s topic www.nhm.ac.uk/nature-live 4 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected] Widespread opposition from residents Imperial College Health Care NHS Trust continued from the front page of the remaining A&E departments >> accommodating for 400,000 people action. which is around 50% more than the Th e backlash to the decision has national average. been remarkable. Th e ‘Save Charing Councillor Marcus Ginn, commu- Cross’ campaign stated how the NHS nity care leader, said: “We have been ignored 66,000 signatures of residents warning of the threat to Charing Cross on 18 petitions. Patient Donald Gray- hospital for many months and this Raus said: “I am appalled by the idea confi rms out worst fears. of closure of the A&E department at “Over many months of questioning Charing Cross Hospital. I am severely on this, NHS bureaucrats have failed disabled and the thought of not having to address concerns that this will leave easy access to a hospital may be fatal thousands of residents dangerously to me. Hammersmith & Fulham is too distant from emergency care or to large an area to be without a well-run show that lives will not be put at risk centrally located A&E department.” by these closures. Councillor Nicholas Botterill, Lead- “We will be fi ghting tooth and nail St. Mary’s Hospital. New er of H&F Council, said: “We are to save Charing Cross – the public are home for Imperial medics? deeply upset at the result. Th e NHS not going to accept this plan quietly, consultation was appalling and the especially when the case for stripping service level left available to residents all the major service out of such a well is appalling. Th is is bad news but there loved and respected centre of excel- West London is trying to deal with. If some specialist hospital-based ser- out the standards by which we can are options available to us and we are lence is not supported by evidence. the Charing Cross Hospital A&E de- vices, the NHS can ensure that people measure our performance against determined to see a hospital retained “Th ey have not taken account of the partment is closed there will be a lot can benefi t from receiving treatment them.” at Charing Cross.” thousands on new homes being built more space for residential re-develop- at centres of best practice and excel- Th e downgrade of Charing Cross Th e main worry is that the initial in west London which will mean we ment which the Imperial College NHS lence. Hospital threatens the future of the closure of the A&E department and need more local access to hospitals, Trust could sell for a large amount of “Th is isn’t about cutting corners or hospital as the teaching site for Impe- stroke unit of Charing Cross hospital not less. money. getting by with the bare minimum. We rial College students. Charing Cross will lead onto the eventual closure of “We have warned them not to go However, Anne Rainsberry, NHS want to change the way we deliver care Hospital is currently the main campus the hospital itself. Another worry is down this path. Th e public reaction is NW London chief executive, said: so that outcomes are improved, both for Imperial medical students but this the increase in ambulance journey going to be immense.” “Th e main proposal is to transform the in terms of clinical outcomes and pa- may be moved to St. Mary’s Hospital times to a predicted 53 minutes, which Th e reasons behind these changes care provided in local communities. tient and staff experiences. in Paddington after the changes have could potential endanger lives. Resi- have been linked with the massive More care should be delivered closer “We’ve used robust clinical evidence taken place. dents are not satisfi ed with the idea £1.8 billion defi cit that the NHS North to home. And by also centralizing to set targets, and clinicians have set Editorial page 2

Sponsored Editorial Head of Library Sevices retires More student cuts Jan Piotrowski Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief Discount haircuts for Imperial Debby Shorley, the Director of Li- students at Fresh Hairdressers brary Services, has retired She arrived at Imperial in 2007 and told Reporter, the College maga- near South Kensington zine, that she “loved (almost!) every minute of it.” She went on to say that Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) discount and bring your student ID “Diff erent universities have diff erent Women’s cut and rough dry £28 we look forward to seeing you. cultures, and the College has a real Women’s cut and salon fi nish We use only the best products, indefi nable buzz about it”. During her blow-dry £38 (normally £55) Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal, and time she has campaigned for open ac- KMS and offer free coffee and cess to knowledge and says “I am cau- FRESH Hairdressers has been herbal teas. tiously optimistic about the prospects offering high quality, fashionable To book an appointment call 0207 for more open access provision over haircuts for over 20 years. All of 823 8968. the next fi ve years. In 20 years’ time I our haircuts are by highly experi- Tuesday to Saturdays 9.30 to 5.30 think the model will be turned on its enced stylists, NOT trainees. We are only 70 metres from South head – I’m not sure quite how, but the Kensington tube station. landscape will look very diff erent”. TO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT www.freshhairdressers.co.uk She said that she will miss the work- 1) You don’t have to spend a lot of ing environment and praised her col- ple doing things well”. She did admit travel in from Brighton!”. She says that money at expensive trendy salons leagues saying that she has “learned a that she will “appreciate not having she will now spend more time at her 2) You don’t have to spend hours lot and watched some very clever peo- to get up at 05:45 in the morning to house in Burgundy. as a Guinea pig at a training school 3) You don’t have to be butchered at some cheap Barbers 4) You don’t have to wait till you go We’re so modern: felixonline.co.uk back home

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APPLY AT: WWW.ICSTARTUP.COM/VC imperial 6 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected] Our workload woes Matt Proctor compare us to Oxbridge to see who works harder The Cambridge Punting Company s students of Imperial contact hours as Physicists do at Im- College, we often regard perial. Not only that, but both Oxford ourselves as some of the and Cambridge have almost twice as hardest worked students many lab hours. It could be said that A Cambridge is full of a bunch of punts in the country. A quick lab work is an incredibly important Google search reveals many students’ part of a Physics degree and the tech- reviews of their time at Imperial. One niques learned in practical sessions such review on a website called Wha- are incredibly valuable throughout tUni.com, which off ers advice to those a physicist’s career, especially if they applying to University, from a former continue on to do research. Th e thing Physics student says: is, most fi rst year physicists at Impe- rial, including myself, think that we “Th e most important piece of advice have too many lab hours each week I can give you is that if you come to (perhaps the content, not the lab Imperial you need to work HARD.” hours, needs an overhaul). It’s not as if our course is more theoretical either, Another review from a CivEng stu- because both Oxbridge courses have dent says: more lecture hours too. Mathematicians at Imperial get a “[Th e College] set so much work slightly better deal, with the same for the sake of it, and really do not number of contact hours as those at care about you but instead only about Oxford as well as more hours of lec- their own reputation... Way too much tures than both other universities. work…” Cambridge students have four hours of tutorials or ‘supervisions’ each week Also, whereas Imperial students only get one hour. A fi rst year maths student “Th e boy girl [ratio] is a complete who studies at Imperial and wishes this, “I’m not entirely convinced of the no. Contact hours are exactly as the seemingly light timetable, “At fi rst joke. It is bad enough being at 68:32 to remain anonymous questions the value of seeing patients, other than for name suggests: we are in contact with glance it may seem that science stu- but when you look at the standard of merits of tutorials however, “I think if motivation.” She is unperturbed how- the lecturer/tutor/demonstrator and dents have a lot more work than arts girls you would cry” you have a good tutor they can be real- ever by the unequal practical hours, “I we have to do some work, be it mak- students but I think the amount of ly helpful but sometimes I think tuto- think they’re more suited to a course ing notes or performing experiments work and reading that has to go into But that’s for another article... rials with older pupils might be more which frequently leads to research (or at least turning up). But this is only some essays is sometimes underesti- Are these damning reviews at all helpful because they still remember rather than clinical practice… I don’t really half the story, how heavy some- mated by science students. It took me true? We may spend the odd night too going through the process of learning think it makes you a more compe- one’s workload is depends on how fi ve hours to understand a chapter of a many in the Library, but how do we the concepts themselves.” About com- tent doctor, they are more just to aid much independent work they want to book on my reading list.” Right James, actually compare with the likes of Ox- puting sessions, which Cambridge understanding.” Melanie Coates, an- do too not just how much time they right... ford and Cambridge when looking at students miss out on, “Th ey’re tricky other medic, disagrees. She explains spend in lectures*. Editorial page 2 compulsory work hours? but quite interesting… if a little time why she believes patient interaction Just to make you feel even worse, if *Disclaimer: Arguably, as members of the Gold- consuming.” Another maths student, is important, “It keeps all the science you still think you have a stupendous Of course, compulsory hours aren’t en Triangle (an unoffi cial group of Eamonn Postlethwaite, agrees, “Even and theory you’re doing in lectures amount of work to do, what about arts completely representative of how much the leading universities in the UK, though we have only two hours of relevant to becoming a doctor.” students? James White, a Classics stu- work students at one university do over consisting of Oxford, Cambridge and compulsory computing contact hours Biology, a traditionally lab-based dent at Cambridge, has seven hours of students somewhere else. It depends London-based universities including a week, it’s probably the most individ- subject, suff ers the same problems lectures & seven hours of supervisions on the individual and how much they Imperial and UCL), we should expect ually time consuming one of our mod- that Physics does: very few lab hours a week. Miriam Stoney, an Art His- put into doing lab reports or problem contact hours, such as those spent in ules because of the nature and relative and tutorials. Ryan Cooke, a Biology tory student at Oxford has only three sheets. Interviewing lots of people to lectures, to be roughly the same. Let’s diffi culty of the coursework.” student, still fi nds that he has a lot of hours of lectures, one hour of classes fi nd out how much time they spend on look at the average number of contact Medicine is a similar story to Phys- work to do: “Note-taking is engulfi ng” and an hour’s tutorial. She explains, independent work would itself take an hours per week for fi rst year students. ics, with Oxbridge medics having but questions whether a degree from “My workload in comparison to the age so that’s why I’ve only compared Surprisingly, for three of the four many more practical hours than those Imperial is really worth the high fees scientists probably appears consider- contact hours. But in a sense, the work subjects listed (Physics, Medicine and at Imperial. However, unlike those at when compared to Oxbridge, “I feel ably kinder, but I think the nature of you do independently is proportional Biology), Imperial has far fewer con- Oxbridge, medics here get the chance cheated out of my £9000… and re- my degree demands a greater contri- to the number of contact hours you tact hours than Oxbridge. to meet patients in their fi rst year. lieved I don’t have that many hours bution to introspection.” have, so this article isn’t a complete Physical Natural Scientists at Cam- Lottie Whittingham, a fi rst year med- [as Cambridge] but cheated! A sour James off ers an explanation to his waste of time. bridge have almost twice as many ic at Imperial questions the benefi ts of breeze rolls over my relief!” Of course, this opens up a whole other debate Tables of contact hours, as during revision you didn’t see enough tables... about whether the high cost is justi- fi ed, but other factors such as employ- Physics Medicine Physical Natural Scientists at ment prospects have to be considered. Labs Lectures Tutorials Practicals Lectures Tutorials When comparing the average num- Imperial 6 8 1.5 Imperial 2.5 10 4 ber of contact hours to league table Cambridge 11 13 4 Cambridge 14 10 4 Cambridge have almost twice rankings, we see that Cambridge, Oxford 14 10 1 Oxford 10 9 3 topping the majority of lists, has the highest average and Imperial, the bot- Maths Biology as many contact hours as tom of the three here, has the lowest. Does that suggest that heads of fac- Computing Lectures Tutorials Practicals Lectures Tutorials Physicists do at Imperial ulties should revamp the timetables? Imperial 1 13 1 Imperial 10 3 1 Does it mean that we actually don’t Cambridge 0 12 2 Cambridge 12 10 4 “ ” have that much work? Well yes and Oxford 1 10 4 Oxford FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 7

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Imperial’s got no SOLE? Complete participation rates for SOLE released: a mixed bag

Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah ple will listen or care, not being both- ered, and exams meaning people don’t The full results feel as though they have time to fi ll out Participation in SOLE shows that the survey. Th ere has also been the Earth Sciences once again has 100% suggestion of survey fatigue amongst ESE – 100% Bioengineering – 89% participation rate, with the lowest be- students. Chemical Engineering – 87% Aeronautics – 87% ing Biomedical Science at 34%. Some Departments gave away prizes Physics – 50% Medicine: Life Sciences also showed a disap- as an added incentive. Chemical Engi- Life Sciences – 48% Biomedical Sciences – 34% pointingly low 48% turnout. neering and Aeronautical Engineer- Mathematics – 72% Year 1 – 88% (weeks 1 -5 lectures) and Th is year the Department of Earth ing had a competition between years With the SOLE survey being a way EEE – 70% 43% (weeks 6 – 10 lectures) Sciences and Engineering piloted a with prizes. Evidence suggested this for Imperial College and Departments Materials – 58% Year 2 – 39% (weeks 1 -6 lectures) and scheme where you could fi ll out SOLE worked to encourage students to fi ll to gauge student opinion on lecturers Chemistry – 61% 11% (weeks 7 – 8 lectures) on the Imperial Mobile App available out the survey as they had high par- and the course, getting as high a pos- Computing – 65% Year 3 – 42% (10 week attachment) for smartphones. ticipation rate. sible turnout is key to improving the Civil and Environmental Engineering Year 4 – 27% (BSc Autumn term survey) Reasons to not fi ll out the survey Medicine is more complex, and, in course in line with students’ wants. – 59% Year 5 – 33% (Rotation 3 GP attachment) range from apathy, not thinking peo- general, had a very poor turnout. Comment page 19 Mechanical Engineering – 63% Year 6 – 46% (period 5b attachments)

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News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Union to hold referendum on NUS

Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief Motion to re-affi liate in a UGM passed by 192 to 143 NUS: A pottered history IN Imperial College Union will hold an 1976 NUS Travel collapses and NUS referendum during this year’s Endsleigh insurance sold sabbatical elections, which will take Motion for a referendum place from 8-15 March 2013. passed Th e referendum will be to decide 1977 Referendum to disaffi liate whether or not we re affi liate with the passed by 787 to 782 NUS President Liam Burns NUS (National Union of Students). OUT Motion to overturn referen- History of Imperial College Union dum in UGM fails, as students leave and the NUS: In and out like... well, and call quorum you can end that metaphor: 1978 Referendum to re-affi liate Paul Beaumont 1922 NUS is founded and Impe- failed by 1402 to 1058 Union President 2012-13 rial is a member 1981 Referendum to re-affi liate IN refused 1923 ICU disaffi liates due to 1983 Referendum asked for, an Personally, I have a great deal of re- increase cost of membership investigation was agreed upon spect for Liam Burns. I should im- OUT 1983-6 Delegates to NUS confer- agine he has an incredibly diffi cult 1939 ICU re-affi liated ence to investigate job attempting to mire the two ends NUS governance structure; little Th e debate, however, of whether we IN 1987 President expresses support of the tertiary education system: refl ects the needs and wants of the should be in the NUS has not been 1940 ICU disaffi liates due to NUS for NUS in Annual Report Higher Education (Universities) and ‘top end’ of the Higher Education given to the student body for nearly stance against conscription 1989 Motion passed in UGM to Further Education (more vocational market – the G5 and Russell Group fi ve years. Very few of the students OUT hold a referendum in 1990 courses). Th e two systems – in my Universities. If we had been affi liated who voted to leave the NUS back in 1948 Motion to re-affi liate heav- 1990 Motion passed not to hold a opinion -have very diff erent needs to NUS, I would have felt insulted 2008 are around now – we are a new ily defeated referendum and objectives. And so how can one listening to Jim disregarding the cohort who should be able to make 1956 Motion to re-affi liate less 1991 Motion to hold a referen- body, the NUS, ever hope to proper- Russell group from his conference that decision for ourselves. I very heavily defeated dum goes to UGM, quorum chal- ly represent everyone? Well, I don’t speech. strongly believe that we should re- 1963 Motion to re-affi liate passed lenged think it can. Historically, our relationship with main out of the NUS – its ‘benefi ts’ 405 to 389 1995 Referendum to re-affi liate At a recent NUS Conference the NUS has always been fraught – be are far outweighed by its costs and IN fails by 965 to 696 phrase “Well, there’s the Russell it arguments over affi liation fees associated policy stances. Motion overturned in an 2002 Referendum to re-affi liate Group, and then there’s the rest of to stances on conscription during My arguments are for another Felix EGM by 315 to 254 fails us…” left the mouth of the NUS’s Di- WWII. I didn’t help the situation by article, however – at this point in OUT 2006 Referendum held in No- rector of Policy, Jim Dickinson. As telling someone from Bristol whilst time, I invite anyone interested in 1964 Motion to re-affi liate passed vember, 53% vote ‘yes’, 47% ‘no’ – over much as I found Jim a great speaker, at the conference that “NUS doesn’t organising a ‘vote yes’ and a ‘vote no’ 279 to 215 4,000 voted this sentence, for me, perfectly ex- really like us” (or words to that ef- campaign to come forward and get IN IN plains why I don’t think Imperial is fect…) only to be overheard by Liam involved in the discussion. Motion overturned in an 2008 Left after NUS Governance a suitable member of the NUS. NUS and be told “Oh, you must be from A referendum will – if all goes to plan EGM by 226 to 180 reform (that ICU backed) fails policy is written to appease the ma- Imperial!” We agreed that the issue – be held during sabbatical elections. OUT OUT jority membership of Further Edu- was more mutual than a one-sided As in elections, all full members of 1969 Referendum to re-affi liate cation institutions that make up the dislike. the Union are eligible to vote. failed by 922 to 781 (History compiled by Paul Beaumont)

After the investigation, it turned out Imperial hires fi rst ever Provost Kestral Chaos that nobody had been doing some hunt- ing of kestrals on campus, and that the Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief bird was actually a Woodcock that was attacked by another bird, possibly a Per- Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief UK and overseas. He became a full Pro- egrine Falcon. fessor at the very young age of 39. He An investigation was launched after a A post mortem by a College vet also, founded the particle physics institute staff member thought a kestral may have unsurprisingly, found no evidence that Professor James Stirling CBE FRS has at Durham University, where he also been either shot (yes, shot, as in by a gun) someone had “popped a cap in the been named the fi rst Provost of Impe- served as Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Re- or had died after colliding with Sherfi eld. Woodcock’s ass, yo”. rial College London. search. He is a Fellow of the Royal So- He will be in charge of all academic ciety, having been elected in 1999, and matters, and so will be in charge of both has chaired many UK Research Council education and research. He will report scientifi c committees. to the President and Rector, who will, in Professor Stirling said that he has future, be more front facing in the UK “admired Imperial from afar for many and overseas. Th e position of Provost years”. He continued: “To me that comes from a separation of the Rector’s means excellence in scholarship – both Professor James Stirling CBE FRS former position. teaching and research – and excellence Professor Stirling, 59, is currently the in innovation and taking our knowl- Jacksonian Professor of Natural Philos- edge outwards to address big societal alumni and supporters, and a brilliant ophy and Head of the Department of challenges.” He also said: “I am im- environment for its staff to teach, dis- Physics at the University of Cambridge. pressed that Imperial has a very clear cover and innovate” He is a theoretical particle physicist. view on what it needs to do to grow Announcing the appointment, Keith Professor Stirling will take up his role at its academic mission and maintain O’Nions, President & Rector, looked Imperial by August 2013. His appoint- this excellence, and I believe Imperial forward to welcoming a man with an ment follows an international search to has everything that it takes to provide “outsanding scientifi c mind as well as a fi nd the fi rst Provost. a great experience for its students, track record of leadership in universi- Professor Stirling has worked in the a wonderfully strong affi nity for its ties”. 10 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, FEATURES Caroline Wood [email protected] Highlight EVERYTHING Caroline Wood on The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of studying

make it short and painless. Th ings not Elaborative interrogation is another to do when studying: complex term used that has quite a simple meaning: question everything. 1. Reading Continuously ask yourself ‘why’ ques- 2. Underlining tions as you study so you check you 3. Re-reading understand where everything comes 4. Highlighting from. Th is sounds great in theory. 5. Summarising However the likely outcome is that you will discover you have no idea Of course these methods may work why you assume x is positive and sub- for some people. But in general, high- sequently realise you don’t even know lighting can draw you attention to spe- what x represents before deciding to cifi c facts and decrease your ability to “just accept it”. draw connections between diff erent Self-explanation, or forcing yourself areas. Reading, I assume, can be good to explain the text in detail instead of for some people. However half read- passively reading it over can be good. ing, half day-dreaming about what Th is comes with a caution: eff ective- you’re going to do after exams have ness depends on how complete and fi nished is probably not ideal. It may accurate your explanations are. High be a bit surprising that summarising is risk – high reward strategy? on this list of what not to do. An of- Finally, the keyword mnemonic. You ten endorsed method is shunned by associate new vocabulary with other the authors of the report as they claim words in imaginative ways. For exam- that there are more eff ective ways to ple when learning the French word for best utilise study time. You got told. key, “la clef,” you can imagine a key Just admit it: you have once had a set of notes that look like this on top of a cliff . (Example curtesy of The Ugly TIME magazine.) Good luck associat- To say these techniques are ugly is ing something with “macromolecu- slightly misleading. Th ey are actually lar structure determination by X-ray his week many of you will The Good formation from memory. And in yet the techniques that are not especially crystallography or solution nuclear have been camping out in You envy the person who takes revi- more good news, if getting all arts eff ective, but not completely crap. But magnetic resonance spectroscopy”. the Library preparing for sion in their stride. (Or maybe you and crafts and making fl ash cards is the good, the bad and the medium Most of these techniques require a Texams. (I feel your pain.) are that person, in which case – con- not your style you’ll be pleased to hear doesn’t have quite the same ring to it high time:learning ratio. Th ey can be Th is is the fi rst time in 4 gratulations!) But with these few tips that there are now digital app versions so here goes: the ugly. eff ective but when you have 8 mod- years that I am not sitting exams this you should breeze through your stud- of fl ash cards such as Quizlet, Study- Visual learning or using mental im- ules to learn in 8 days they are pretty January (fi st punch) and so instead of ies like you are as cool as Vanilla Ice Blue and FlashCardMachine. Pretty agery has been dubbed ‘alright’. It can much a no go. frantic cramming I’ve taken some time (baby). sweet. be eff ective but it’s also quite time So there you have it. Two tips to to look into some of the best, and the Th e study reports that there is a consuming and is, of course, only use- exam success! Go over your lecture worst, revision techniques. (Once a “cheats” way of learning very large The Bad ful for things you can visualise. Wave notes and give fl ashcards a chance. nerd...) quantities of challenging material in a You know the bad already. You just goodbye to this method for your Happy revision and good luck if you It’s two days before your fi rst exam. very short time. A method never be- don’t want to admit that you know. I’ll quantum modules... still have exams this January! As the last minute panic starts to set fore known outside the psychology lab in, what is your weapon of choice for has now been revealed. ensuring you get the content from OK, I just made that up. Sorry. In those last few lecture slides off of the reality, the result of the study is un- page and into your head? Many of derwhelmingly expected. One of the us are guilty of turning to the trusty most eff ective methods reported is highlighter. Bland lecture notes are called “distributed practice”. Basi- transformed into a sea of fl uorescent cally this is a fancy term that means yellow, green and pink as we pray that studying over a long period of term. the technicolour page will imprint it- Yep, covering lecture notes during the self on our minds. Th e hope is this can term and then re-covering them at then jump from our head to the exam regular intervals has been proved to paper. However, in new research pub- be one of the most eff ective methods lished this Wednesday by the Associa- of study. Cramming gets a big thumbs tion for Psychological Science (and re- down. Hardly surprising. ported on by TIME magazine), it has But wait a second. Before you start now been proved that highlighting is heading over to your tutor’s offi ce to one of the most ineff ective methods quit your degree, there is a dim light of study for most people. (I could have at the end of the gloomy studying tun- told you that based on my 2nd year nel. Th e second best learning strategy exam results, but now it’s “scientifi - is what the authors call “practice test- cally proven” and “all offi cial”.) ing”. Th is means that recalling infor- To all those serial highlighting of- mation from memory is conducive fenders out there: read on to fi nd out to learning. Eff ectively, all those past how to go from cramming zero to papers are actually worth while! Yesss! cramming hero. Th is is a guide to the Another method that can help good, the bad and the ugly of studying “practice testing” is the use of fl ash- This is the kind of attitude that will get you a 2:2 techniques. cards –as you are forced to recall in- Drinks offer JÄgerbomb £2.50only FRIDAYS IN ALL BARS, every day tequila house spirit shot & mixer a saving of £1.70 only 2xstrongbow 80p 500ml can - or £2.30 each £2.00 a saving of IN ALL BARS £4.00 60p Wednesday & Friday only from 18:00

imperialcollegeunion.org/whats-on 12 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Not a debateable outcome Niall Jeffrey gets arguing with everyone in sight at the World Universities Debating Championships

or the fi rst time in living memory, Imperial College has been represented at the Fannual World Universities Debating Championships. Th is year’s WUDC competition was hosted by the Berlin Debating Union in Technische Universität Berlin from the December 27th until the January 4th. By the conclusion of the competi- tion, Ed Middleton, an Imperial 5th year medic, was placed as the 84th highest ranked speaker in the world. Th e whole Imperial team, virgins of the WUDC, ranked highly in the top 20% of the 400 competing teams. Imperial’s judges were also person- ally chosen by the event’s organisers to judge the highest quality debates at the competition. Each competing team, made up of two people, takes part in a gruelling nine individual rounds of diff erent de- bates over a fi ve day period. Each de- bate is against a room of teams made up of the best student debaters in the world. Th e event is the largest debat- ing tournament in the world, with over 1000 speakers, judges and organ- isers in attendance. Th e Berlin competition was eventu- ally won by a team from Monash Uni- versity (Australia); a university that has now won the WUDC three times in a row. Th e Imperial team and judges were selected in internal trials within the College, which were adjudicated by has been described as international external judges. Th e victorious team “networking”. Th e competition, last- was chosen to compete and two run- ing from December until January, gave ners up representing Imperial as judg- all present the chance to celebrate the I did NOT have es. New Year in the manner expected of sexual relations For next year’s competition in Chen- 1000 university students. with that woman nai (India) the Debating Society will For more information about starting again hold open trials for anyone to debating you can email debate@impe- compete for an opportunity to rep- rial.ac.uk. resent Imperial and they say they are encourage new people to “have a go” at debating. Debating Society President, James Clough, who along with Ed Middleton made up the other half of the Imperial team at the WUDC, had never debat- ed before he came to university. “We are looking forward to new people competing in debating for a chance to represent Imperial in next year’s WUDC competition and at other competitions closer to home,” he said. “I think I can safely say that all of us Plato: legend had an excellent week in Berlin and are of debating, as already looking forward to next year” well as beard Th ere was also of course a social ele- growing ment to the event, with a lot of what now open till 20 january 2013 For five minutes of your time you could win an ipad mini & more great prizes!

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This is your chance to tell us what you think about the Union and your answers will help us make our services even better for you. imperialcollegeunion.org/unionsurvey 14 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Science Editors: Philip Kent, SCIENCE Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] Big Brother... On Mars? Reality TV fan? Edward Bals on the potential Mars One TV show tech.co ars One is a not- for-profi t organi- The model of a We can only sation planning to M use money donated from sponsors and reality TV show live in hope that generated from a reality TV show ‘media storm’ to fund a project that will put a human habitat on Mars in may be the an- that it doesn’t 2023. In the fi rst half of this year the application process will open to ap- swer to Mars turn out like plications for their astronaut training program, which itself will be fi lmed The major issue faced is how people and broadcast as part of the TV show. colonisation... will be evicted from the show Jersey Shore. Mars One claim to have already re- ceived over 1000 emails expressing “ “ interest in signing up for the project, regardless of the catch: the trip to the astronauts’ survival. between the settlers and people back program to a live-feed from the rovers Th e website for the project ad- Mars will be one way. Th e habitats, components, on Earth. Shipments and rovers will on Mars; even the historic moment dresses some of these issues, such as With the goal of reducing and other essentials for also be sent over, with the rovers fi nd- of the fi rst person to set foot on Mars the plan to cover the habitats on Mars the costs of funding such the settlement will ing the best place for habitation, then will be captured for the viewing pub- with soil, reducing radiation received a project the outgoing be transported moving the supplies there and setting lic. As befi ts a reality TV show pub- by the people whilst on Mars. Th e astronauts will live and set up in up the base of the human settlement, lic interaction will also play a part in shielding of the main capsule of the and die on Mars. Th e various stag- ready for the astronauts. the show, with the public being able spacecraft for periods of violent solar organisation has not ”es, with the Once the astronauts arrive they will to choose which team of 4 will be the activity is another plan to reduce the ruled out the pos- majority of have to make some fi nal adjustments fi rst to be sent to Mars. Th at is, if the risk to the astronauts” from radiation. sibility that a return preparations to the habitat, maybe dust off some so- project ever gets there. Th is gives me hope that the project trip may become taking place lar cells and then they will be ready to Th ere are many dangers that will be team have at least some idea of the feasible at some before the as- move in and be watched by the world. faced by a project such as this. Th ere dangers and that the project could ac- point in the future, tronauts reach Some components and supplies will could be any number of technical tually achieve its goal. but for the moment Mars. Th e organ- arrive on Mars shortly after the ar- problems that simply couldn’t be fi xed Th e project, if successful, would be a the trip remains one way. isation will send rival of the astronauts and, after this by a normal person, or even disasters testament to human ingenuity, paving Th is means that the habitats a communications initial batch, new astronauts, supplies that could kill all of the crew. Th ere’s the way for likeminded projects, and on Mars will have to be self- satellite, necessary for and components will arrive every two also a danger that funds could dry who knows what projects like these sustaining, with planned hydroponic beaming the live feeds of the habitat years, expanding the habitat further. up if the project’s media storm didn’t could end up achieving. Maybe one of farming and water and oxygen extrac- back to Earth for the television show, All of this process will be televised sustain momentum, leaving the astro- them will even manage to solve some tion from the soil being essential for whilst also allowing communication 24/7/365, from the astronaut training nauts abandoned on Mars. of our problems down here on Earth. Fund cancer research, gain immortality. Maybe.

Science Editor Laurence Pope Considering the media storm whipped sponsors — and how ethical this is — is Name a poten- up by the story someone will likely another question entirely. come along and cough up the dough For more information about the do- Ad5[CgA-E1A-miR122]PTD isn’t a tial cancer cure for a chance of immortality. Whether nation drive visit uu.se/en/support/ catchy name. But, for just one million this will fuel further funding in ex- oncolytic or netpatientfoundation. pounds, Ad5[CgA-E1A-miR122]PTD change for having cures named after org. (Ad5 for short) could be renamed — for £1 million after you. But why would anyone want this seemingly pointless honour? A Swed- Love Science? ish research team modifi ed Ad5, a basic ity a little modifi cation to make it more (Or at the very least not hate it) adenovirus, so that it ‘eats cancer’. More oncogenically lethal or specifi c and a accurately, it specifi cally targets and patent could be feasibly granted. Why not write for us? Get in kills neuroendocrine tumours (NETs), “Th e main reason funding is not forth- cancers arising from the hormonal coming is likely the reduced interest in touch! (endocrine) and the nervous systems. Steve Jobs died following complica- gene therapy for cancers, following the [email protected] However, lack of funding means that tions relating to a pancreatic neu- death of 18 year old Jesse Gelsinger the virus remains untested in humans. roendocrine tumour. Apple have so after injection of the adenovirus being What would this mean for potential trialled. Coupled with” the diffi culty of far not offered any funding. Follow us also on Facebook, where we’ll sponsors? Either your name would be- virus modifi cation and the requirement come known worldwide (‘I got a dose for the virus to destroy every cancer post up any interesting stuff we stumble of the Romney today. Never felt bet- ing? Allegedly because it won’t bring in cell whilst not killing your own results ter!’), or relegated to the footnotes of much money for biotech companies, in a cancer therapy sponsors shy away upon (science-related, obviously). obscure scientifi c papers if the research due to much of the research being pub- from. It doesn’t help either that NETs fl ops. lic and therefore unpatentable. Hence, are rare cancers to begin with. facebook.com/Felixscience But why isn’t it attracting more fund- little potential return. In theory. In real- Where is this research likely to head? Facebook everynation.co.uk

SUNDAYS ACTIVITY SPACE 1

Free café – 5:30 16 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Politics Editors: Padraic Calpin POLITICS Marie-Laure Hicks [email protected] Protest, Unrest and Social Upheaval in New Delhi Tragedy sparks debate over attitudes to women

Devang Mehta Writer in connection with the vehicle, creation of a dedicated help-line for parties were quick to blame the rape including a 17 year old minor who sexual abuse victims, and six “fast- on the westernization of Indian Politics Précis is alleged to have been the most track courts” to deal with crimes women and these reactions appear to n the 16th of December brutal of the accused, raping her against women. have spurred the protests yet further. Key Stories from the Holiday Season last year while twice and ripping her intestines out Th ese protests come on the heels of It is now 63 years since India adopted Bangladesh celebrated with his bare hands. After the death other protests against the beleaguered a constitution promising democracy, Italian Elections Heat Up Oits 39th Victory Day and of the victim, murder charges were central government, which has been justice and equality of religion, race, On the 9th of December Mario Monti, Japanese voters brought added to the other charges of rape, the target of several protests over the caste, sex and place of birth, and yet Italy’s “technocrat” leader, stepped about a change in government, a kidnapping, destruction of evidence last 18 months against corruption. its justice system remains plagued down amid a boycott by Berlusconi’s 23-year-old physiotherapy student and attempted murder. Th ese charges Th e heavy-handed reaction of the with widespread corruption among Freedom People party over budget was brutally raped and assaulted mean that the accused stand eligible government and the absence of any the police and judicial offi cers. Police decisions. Appointed after Berlusconi in the Indian capital, New Delhi. to receive the death penalty if found early sympathetic response to the offi cers are often seen as oppressors lost his parliamentary majority and Within a week as news of the vicious guilty. protesters are likely causes for the of the general public and guardians of resigned amongst personal scandals, attack spread through the country, it Taking cognisance of the protestors’ rapid intensifi cation of the protests. the ruling political class. Notorious for Monti’s government was tasked with sparked widespread protest and cast demands for harsher rape laws and Th e outpouring of public anger in the being un-safe for women, the capital balancing Italy’s books before stepping glaring light on what some call India’s sterner action against sex off enders cities is seen as a result of a rapidly New Delhi was recently branded the down this April; his early resignation has ‘rape problem’. several state assemblies have tabled growing middle class revolting ‘rape capital’ of the country by its pushed the Italian elections forward to While the woman and her boyfriend amendments in state laws and against a misogynist and conservative own Chief Minister. Crimes against February.. were waiting at a bus stop in order to enforced measures such as the culture. Fundamentalist political women appear in the newspapers Silvio Berlusconi had already return home after an evening show of with frightening regularity and confirmed his intention to run for a Life of Pi a passing private mini-bus include rape, dowry related abuse, fourth term in upcoming elections, stopped and the couple boarded after 63 years since India adopted marital abuse and eve teasing. Police but it remained uncertain what Monti being informed that it was headed to fi gures show a rape reported on would do; this was mirrored in the the same destination. After around average every 18 hours and reported markets, with fears over Italy becoming 10 minutes the fellow passengers, all a constitution promising rape cases rose by nearly 17 percent “the detonator that could blow up the inebriated males, started eve-teasing between 2007 and 2011. eurozone”. and passing lewd comments at the democracy, justice and It is in this environment that a fast- Now it’s been announced that Monti girl. When her boy friend objected, a growing educated middle class, at war will run supported by a coalition of scuffl e ensued with the men beating with a patriarchal and male chauvinist centrist parties under the name “Monti’s him up with iron rods. While two of equality of religion, race, tradition, has seized the brutal gang- Agenda for Italy”, though as a result of them held on to the boy, the others “ rape and murder of a young student his austerity policies the group currently took turns at raping the girl. Th ey to raise awareness and international trail far behind Pier Bersani’s centre-left then assaulted the girl by inserting a caste, sex and place of birth... attention to India’s ‘rape problem’. Democratic Party. metal rod into her body and causing With statements from UN Secretary Syria Conflict Deepens irreparable damage to her intestines. its justice system remains General Ban Ki Moon and the The Syrian conflict remains decidedly Both of them were then dumped on governments of France, the USA and unresolved, now being deemed an all a deserted road near the outskirts of others, the issue has certainly gained out civil war. Recent estimates from the the city. plagued with widespread international notoriety; whether this UN have put the total death toll from the By the 21st of December, the rape results in any real legal and societal conflict at 60,000 since it began some 22 had caught the public imagination progress in the country remains to be months ago, as much as half of which are leading to a mass protest at India corruption... seen. estimated to be civilian deaths. Ten times Gate and Raisana Hill, the location Reuters as many people are now registered as of the Union Parliament and the refugees in neighbouring countries. residence of the President. Relatively Many cities such as Aleppo and peaceful earlier on, events took a turn Homs remain the site of intense for the worse with the government fighting between government forces employing tear gas, lathi charges and and the increasingly internationally anti-terrorism laws to breakup the accepted National Coalition of Syrian protests. Several metro stations and ” Revolutionary and Opposition Forces. public transport services were also However the vast majority of the capital, shut down for a few day. Subsequent Damascus, is still held by forces loyal clashes with the police lead to injuries to Bashar Al-Assad, save the suburb of on both sides with a policeman dying Douma held by rebels since October from cardiac arrest at the protest site. 18th. Meanwhile the victim was being Europe Debate Rolls On treated at a hospital in Delhi and Here in the UK, debate over the remained in critical condition due to country’s role in the European Union damage and infection in her intestines and single-market has continued at a that had to be resected. On the 26th low key rumble. David Cameron is due of December, the government, based to announce his ‘action plan’ on Europe on a cabinet meeting headed by the in weeks. But he has been warned by PM, moved the victim to Mt. Mary various figures including the Obama Hospital in Singapore for an intestinal Administration that withdrawal transplant. Th is decision to move would risk damaging the UK’s political the patient while on life support was significance and economic power. An In/ criticized heavily in the media leading Out referendem seems unlikely, but it’s to more protests, which had by now possible Britain will push to renegotiate spread to other major cities in the it’s “role” within the union. How that will country. On the 29th of December, be received by other members remains the victim succumbed to her injuries to be seen. and died of cerebral edema. Padraic Calpin Politics Editor So far 6 men have been arrested HOLY SHIT. THE CAT HAS THE CHEESEBURGER.

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Comment Editors: George Barnett, COMMENT Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] Religion for Atheists Rory Fenton shares him impressions from the fi rst meeting of The Sunday Assembly, London’s new ‘atheist church’

n atheist church” “ I repeated the sen- The Sunday Assembly focuses tence a few times to on building community in the A myself while making same way that religions do, my way along Isling- but without including God ton’s St Paul’s road on Sunday morn- ing. St Paul’s famous road to Da- mascus led him to found Christian communities but this St Paul’s road was taking me to a whole new con- cept of human community: an atheist Rory Fenton church. As in, a church for atheists. Could this work? Did it even make any sense? I wasn’t sure. But I was keen to fi nd out. I was on my way to the fi rst ever meeting of Th e Sunday Assembly, the brainchild of comedians Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans. Formed under the motto of “live better, help often, wonder more”, the monthly meetings aim, in the words of Jones, to give London atheists “all the things that are good about bringing a community together and make us better people, just without God being involved”. Th e group have no problem with borrow- ing directly from religion, the services themselves are held in an old, decon- buildings but many atheists, espe- dren’s author Andy Stanton. I can’t say the gall to join in, but maybe that’ll secrated church. cially those from religious but non- I got too much from Andy’s speech. improve with time. I like this idea – But Sanderson and Pippa aren’t the Christian backgrounds, may fi nd this Th ere was a general atmosphere in atheist hymns also get a thumbs up. fi rst people to have this idea, although off -putting. But I quickly stopped the church of the organisers being And then came the prayer stuff . OK they seem to be the fi rst to put it into thinking about that, because the big very keen not to seem “preachy” but not actual prayers, since no deity was practice in London. Th e thought of news of this Sunday Assembly be- what that meant with Andy was that invoked, but some very prayery stuff . creating a religion-like community of came immediately clear as I walked in instead of giving his words of wisdom A ‘moment of silent refl ection’ was en- atheists, agnostics, humanists etc. has – the idea is incredibly popular. With on “beginnings”, supposedly refl ecting couraged which made me, and I imag- been a hot topic of discussion since fi ve minutes to go before show time, on how he became an author, he just ine others, feel pretty uncomfortable. Alain de Button published his book the place was completely packed with made a lot of self-deprecating jokes Not so much because I didn’t like the Religion for Atheists almost exactly a about 200 people. I was just about able interspersed with pauses that felt a refl ection thing, mind. When my fam- year ago. De Button argued that rath- to grab a child’s stool at the back (as in bit too long to be intentional. Th at ily prays before meals I don’t join in It had much er than shun everything with a “reli- a stool meant for children, I wouldn’t said, the idea of an atheist (or perhaps but I do try to remind myself that I’m gion” label, non-believers should look steal from a child; not unless they had more precisely a humanist) ‘sermon’ pretty lucky to have food and should at where religion did get it right, in- it coming) and a minute later heard is far from a crazy one. Humanists be glad of this fact, even if I’ve no god of the format cluding in building community, pro- half panicked, half jubilant commands admire great scientists, philosophers to thank. So I do see how atheists can viding perspective, realising our hu- to open up the choir balcony to ac- and poets and a sermon based around use moments of quiet refl ection in man fl aws and giving us a focus for art commodate even more people. By the their works and a secular theme like their lives. But to see this form a part of an evan- and architecture. It is the fi rst of these, time the meeting started, there were ‘wonder’ or ‘relationships’ is perfectly of the atheist church service made me building community, that the Sunday still a good 30 people either sat on the reasonable, in the understanding that pretty uncomfortable, quite probably gelical service Assembly chiefl y targets. fl oor or standing at the sides. these are just words of advice intend- because it just felt so religious. Per- Th e idea is pretty controversial with So it seemed I wasn’t the only one ed to provoke personal refl ection. haps I should just get over this, but many atheists. Some can’t see there curious to see this idea in action. Th e Pippa’s stand-up style talk about not the Sunday Assembly need to remem- with sermons being anything worth learning from service itself lasted just over an hour sweating the little stuff was a nice ex- ber that many attendees may have had religion. After all, if it’s based on a and was, again, very much infl uenced ample of this. So atheist sermons get uncomfortable religious experience false premise, how could a religion get by Christian services. It had much of a thumbs up. in the past, making organized silence sandwiched anything right? And doesn’t the idea the format of an evangelical service And an atheist hymn? Th is Sun- challenging. of an atheist church open up the non- with sermons sandwiched between day’s hymns were ‘Don’t Look Back in But the silent refl ection was a little between religious to the age-old accusation of hymns. Yep – sermons and hymns. Anger’ and ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’. more prayery than mere silence. Be- “you’re really just another type of reli- So what is an atheist sermon? Well it’s Th ey even had a live band and lyrics ing January, the service’s theme was gion”? I decided to withhold my judg- very funny, or at least these ones were. on a projector screen. Hey, I’m cool around beginning new things and hymns. Yep – ment and see for myself what this type Since the Sunday Assembly’s founders with this too. As a Catholic I played resolutions. In our silence, we were of atheist community would look like. are comedians, their sermons felt very in a church group and quite miss this. encouraged to think about something So up St Paul’s Road I went… much like a stand-up gig. Th e event is Songs are always full of messages we want to change in our lives and “sermons and Th e building itself was indeed a compered by the messianic-ly bearded about life, why not enjoy them togeth- how great that would feel to achieve. stereotypical Church of England Sanderson Jones who introduced the er? Convincing a room of Londoners We were told that scientists have hymns. stone house of worship, now used as whole idea behind the project and was who don’t know each other to sing to- shown that just by saying something a Steiner school. Having grown up generally very funny. Th ere was also a gether is a whole other story. I don’t out loud, our brains will believe it is ” Catholic I’m pretty used to church guest speaker, this week’s being chil- reckon anymore than 20% of us had true. Now I am all for encouraging FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 19

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected]

people to achieve their goals but I feel children’s health at great risk. Should interest in pseudo-science the godless congregation, were struck be made uncomfortable by the reli- the organisers were stepping out of Th en we came slightly closer to a continue, Th e Sunday Asssembly will by a bolt of irony as a real, bona fi de gious overtones. Th e ‘self help’ style their remit and the spirit of rational- proper prayer. Sanderson got us to not fi nd me or many other rational- Christian church service was going on stuff should be toned down and not ism here. Th e idea that success can be shout “Life is good” and “Life is great”, ists in its numbers. However, I have in the hall next door from an African central to the service. Th e connec- aided by imagining how great it would again with the reasoning that sim- hope. Th is was just the fi rst session of evangelical congregation. So how dif- tion with the Steiner school should be to lose those pounds, get that job ply saying this would have a positive what is hoped to become a permanent ferent was our service to this, the ‘real be seriously questioned. But I do feel or kiss that girl is only one philoso- impact on us. But ignoring the lack monthly fi xture. Th ere is room for thing’? And what is it that will make that Th e Sunday Assembly could well phy and not only is it not supported of psychological evidence here, I’m discussion and change, as the organ- those who actively oppose one join in be the start of a great thing. I left the by evidence, the evidence actively op- not sure I agree with this. You see, izers themselves stressed throughout. the other? Th e atheist church needs place like most did, feeling like I’d poses it. Th is unscientifi c approach life isn’t necessarily good. Really shit Being comedians, the organisers have to provide the good stuff of regular enjoyed myself and encouraged to was further highlighted by choosing things can happen and we need to see done a great job of creating a fun, live- church with none of the bad stuff of be around like minded people inter- a Steiner school as the host venue them for that. If atheists are to adopt ly atmosphere which will be a big sell- irrational belief or evangelical zeal. ested in exploring and celebrating for the meeting. Th is was not a co- the stance that “life is good” then we ing point for the services. But no one My verdict from the fi rst day? It’s on life. Sanderson and Pippa make for a incidence. I raised this with Sander- make ourselves no better than those could expect them to be ‘all things to the right track. I and most attendees great team – what they need are more son Jones afterwards who said that who slavishly repeat “God is good” as all men’. Th ey may not know about the left the service feeling a little happier voices on board. Sciencey people, arty a Steiner school was what they had a hurricane bears down on them. An research behind so-called ‘self help’ or about life – we certainly had a good people, philosophy-y people – people initially sought, the fact that this one important part of maturity, I feel, is of the beliefs of Steiners. As they gath- time. Th e idea of sermons is a posi- to give the church a wider vision and was in an old church building was just accepting that shit happens so make er momentum and interest and take tive one, but may need more focus on a wider appeal. Th ere are improve- a happy coincidence. Th is is no small the most of the good stuff . Blind on more voices, there is no reason to a message than making people laugh. ments to be made but I’d like to be a matter. Steiner schools promote ho- “hope” is simply an atheist’s version think that the Assembly can’t change. Hymns were fun and the refl ection part of those improvements. London meopathy among their pupils and do of blind faith and equally fl awed. Bah Here’s hoping they will. time may have a purpose but they now has its fi rst atheist church. In not provide inoculations, which puts humbug. Leaving the service, I, and most of should be sensitive to those who may time, I think I might just be a convert. I was going to write a column on apathy... Alok Prasad is tired of our lackadaisical attitude

itting at my desk, slaving number of people abstaining from over acres and acres of their right to infl uence their quality lecture slides, I hear the of education. Considering that our S familiar two-tone emerg- degrees are our ticket into working ing from my laptop. An life, I fi nd this ‘lack of interest’ shock- email has arrived. I hurry to check it, ing. eager to escape the dull monotony of I have to ask: why is there such a work. ‘Dear Student, Please note that ‘lack of interest’ in our own educa- SOLE is open for evaluating...’ Aaar- tion? Being a medic, I feel best placed gh! Delete the email, and continue to talk about some of the problems working... that we have been having. Th e over- Alok Prasad Th e endless SOLE emails are a riding feeling is that we feel com- nuisance for most people, who have pletely and utterly uncared for by the lots of things going on with their Faculty, as highlighted by Imperial’s lives, and no-one seems to want to/ recent problems with Student Satis- have time to respond. We’ve all been faction. Th ere just does not appear to there. It’s completely understandable. be any help or support readily avail- Until recently, I was thinking the able from the Faculty, contributing to very same thing. Th en, on the last day the sense of apathy felt by students. of term, I had the chance to have a Th ere is very little academic help There is chat with my Faculty’s Head of Qual- forthcoming to students who may ity Assurance and Enhancement. He be struggling with the rigours of the lamented that the rate of response to course. Th ere is no help off ered to in- very little SOLE questionnaires was low, but ternational students, for things such Average Imperial student’s what struck me was what he said as accommodation, in the event that bedside table academic next: “How can the Faculty possibly they have a resit. Th ere is no help for change anything, if they don’t know the travel costs between the various learning objectives set out, and did tive student feedback. what the students think is going bad- campuses and hospitals that we are not even appear to know what was Th e higher the number of people help for those ly!” required to be at, which is inherently on his own lecture slides. Th ere was giving feedback, the more obliged Now a signifi cant number of people unfair on poorer students. a lot of dissatisfaction amongst the the Faculty is to change things! Low will respond to this saying: a) Th eir For our problems, we have to rely 300-odd people sitting in the lecture response rates fl y in the face of the who may be Faculty does not do anything even if mostly upon our excellent Union, hall, which was immediately made fact that each one of us is investing a complaints are registered; b) Th eir most of whom have volunteered to known to the Faculty. Within a very substantial amount of time and mon- struggling Faculty has a laissez-faire ‘We don’t do the job and are working on a shoe- short period of time, they sent out a ey (especially international students) care’ attitude towards students (or c) string budget. In my view, it is com- response, apologising for what had into pursuing a qualifi cation here at Th eir faculty actually has done some- pletely unfair to burden the Union happened and the action they would Imperial. with the thing good after receiving a com- with jobs the Faculty is being paid by take to remedy the issue. We have to collectively be vocal in plaint, but we’ll get onto that later). us to do. Th e key here (unlike the other times our views to make a diff erence. Write Our apathy seems to be inherent No wonder levels of apathy are so I have protested) was that a vast more emails, do more SOLE, talk rigours of the in many areas. Turnout for Student high! proportion of those aff ected, com- with your Year Reps! Union Elections for Postgrads and But the Faculty can and has plained! Th e Faculty simply had no We are paying customers of Impe- “course Undergrads, were 19% and 58% re- changed things for the better. For choice but to respond! In many cases, rial College London and it’s about spectively this year (we were the best example, we received a lecture for the curriculum has been changed as a time that we demand the service that ” in the country!). Th at’s still a huge which the lecturer did not cover the response to large amounts of collec- we deserve. IICC DDanceance TTeameam ““dancingdancing iiss a verticalvertical eexpressionxpression IC Dance Team ooff a hhorizontalorizontal ddesire”esire” 22 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, ARTS Meredith Thomas [email protected] Not a face for radio

Meredith Thomas Arts Editor

Th e Boy with Tape on his Face aka Sam Wills has been causing some- thing of a splash in recent year. From street performances in Covent Gar- den he has shot up the comedy league tables with hits at the Fringe, the Mel- bourne Comedy Festival and, in 2011, the Royal Variety Show. His unique brand of comedy has to been seen to be believed. Hearing, of course, is not an op- tion. His tricks make extensive use of props and audience participation all orchestrated with twitching eyebrows and beckoning gestures from behind his trademark strip of gaff a tape. Th e Kiwi performer’s silent routines call to mind the innocence of vaudeville as twee violin music sets the sound track to his childish, yet immaculately con- ceived stage antics. Th e Boy was kind enough to an- swer a few questions for Felix ahead of Why work? Instead, doodle all lecture long and then send us your drawings his, now sadly fi nished, London stage to [email protected]. Aaniya Ahmed drew this the other day instead of me- show. tabolism & cell pathology revision. Meredith: How did you fi rst enter performance?

Th e Boy: At the age of 13 I knocked on the door of the local clown in my town and asked if he would take me on as his assistant. I knew a few magic tricks and he taught me how to juggle.

M: Where did the idea for the char- acter of the Boy with Tape on his Face come from? Oskar Laffont @ Fred Gallery – Emerging Mexican artist Laffont’s idiosyncractic drawings show London in a distant future where humans are long extinct. Animals B: I used to do a show that involved a roam the street adding their own meanings to the post apocalyptic landscape used lot of talking and me performing some to know and love. January 16 - February 23. pretty crazy circus sideshow stunts. After several years doing shows like Seduced by Art @ The National Gallery – This unusual photographic exhibition this I wanted a new challenge so I de- explores old masters through the lens. The provocative show directly juxtaposes cided to develop a show that had no Man demonstrates top half of ‘final new prints next to work from the collection. Now - January 20. words and no tricks. solution’ for Kim Kardashian problem Teh Exibishun @ The Framers Gallery – We just could not leave this out. An exhibi- M: How did it feel to be asked to do tion about Lol Catz, a phenomenon apparently dating back to the 70’s. What is not the Royal Variety Performance last to love? But is it art? January 23 - Febuary 15 year? B: I think that people like something round of applause as they have helped diff erent to the overload of talking the show happen. Manet @ Royal Academy of Arts – This major exhibition of Manet’s painting is the B: It was one of the highlights of my comedy and the fact that it is a bit of a RA’s winter walloper. The show features his depictions of friends and family and year. Growing up, Th e Royal Variety throwback to vaudeville times. People M: How do you go about fi nding work by contemporaries such as Monet and Morisot . January 26 - April 14 Performance was a really big deal, so like innocent humour and stuff that new ideas for material? to have been the fi rst New Zealand co- appeals universally. Resolution! @ The Place – It’s open season for shorter dance works art at the HQ median to make it onto the stage was a B: I listen to a lot of music and I try of London Contemporary dance. Keep checking for reasonably priced tickets to fantastic feeling. M: Do you feel vulnerable on stage and look at everyday objects in diff er- nightly triple bill shows with 80 works to see in total. January 8 – February 15. without being able to speak? ent ways. It can be a little hard at times M: What did princess Anne say to as you end up holding something like you? B: Not at all! If anything I am the one a broom for half an hour trying to fi nd with the most power as I know exactly something funny about it that nobody B: I decided to keep the tape on when what is going on. has ever noticed. I met her as I thought the 20 seconds conversation wouldn’t be that inter- M: Do you feel you are getting your M: Do you use real gaff a tape? esting and a photo would be better. I own back by convincing others to did secretly record the entire conver- perform in stage? B: I use a super quality brand of tape sation and you can listen to it on my called Nashua 357. I ship it from Aus- website. B: I would never want anybody on- tralia to my parents who the post it to Ji-Eun Lee stage to be in an embarrassing situa- me here in the UK as it is the strong- Play.Back.Again.Then M: What is it about the character of tion as, for me, that is not funny. Every est tape I have ever used... and no it the Boy that gets such a reaction? volunteer will leave the stage to a huge doesn’t hurt when I take it off . FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 23

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas ARTS [email protected] Not waving but possibly drowning

Emilie Beauchamp Writer Roundhouse’s setting amongst a family audience, the artists’ grins and shouts didn’t seem to reach the audience. It Th e Argentinian dance troop came to was as if the production had put all its town preceded by its reputation. Some money on fancy visual eff ects and had six years ago, Fuerzabruta re-opened forgotten to create a story line and add the Roundhouse with an acrobatic ex- personality to its characters. Th e end travaganza that left a permanent mark result is a fragmented spectacle, leav- in the minds of so many Londoners as ing an aftertaste of shallowness. the most amazing show they had ever Yet, some numbers were fairly enter- seen. Th e group, directed by Diqui taining – not for the actual skills of the James and Alejandro Garcia, combines performers but for the technical beauty high-tech light and sound eff ects with Winter flooding cause reassessed as girls created by the set. Th e most stunning elegant pirouettes to create dashing admit extreme reaction to Tom Jones piece was when six women paddled visual eff ects. and splash in two large transparent Touring the world after its fi rst suc- tarps fi lled with water suspended right cesses, Fuerzabruta took its time to over the audience’s head – a truly bu- come back with an updated show. Sev- are never as good as originals… And able stages, and harnessed performers it coming… colic vision. Sadly I couldn’t appreciate eral of my friends sent me the link for unfortunately, Fuerzabruta does not which allow for high-fl ying fl ips. For Th at being said, the experience is it for that long as my neck soon started their new gig, highlighting how fl ab- break that pattern. Not that it’s a bad example, a man is walking on a large very interactive. Th e crowd, standing hurting from craning it to look up- bergasted they had been at the time. It show. It was simply not that impressive, ‘treadmill’ is pushed at the centre of the in the middle of the parterre, is asked to wards for 45 minutes… was indeed exciting: the press release a bit out-dated even. In fact, it rather theatre amongst the audience. Soon he move around, dance and clap through- I could recommend Fuerzabruta as promised a man bursting through walls felt like a group of high-tech crowd en- fi nds obstacles on his way which he has out during the show. A carnival mood part of a special night out; the Round- at full throttle, and pairs of elegant tertainers rather than a magical optical to dodge, facing wind, clouds and rain perspires with a live Argentinian band house off ers late shows at 10 pm from swimmers hanging just on top of the experience. (a wind machine, dry ice and a hose). singing and loudspeakers blasting Th ursday to Saturday which would audience’s head. I might be harsh here, but let me Until a wall hits him! But the wall is techno music. Th is atmosphere would be worth the £30-40 tickets. Oh, and Finally something I haven’t seen be- explain: the whole spectacle is based made out of cardboards, and you can have been mind-blowing if it was set at a warning note: this is not meant for fore! But as is often the case, sequels on the use of clever lighting, move- see it coming and I mean literally see Fabric or Ministry of Sound, but at the claustrophobes or epileptics. Phoenix 2013 needs an editor now!

Imperial College’s annual arts review magazine is looking for writers, designers and contributors and most importantly an editor.

If you are interested please email: [email protected]

www.facebook.com/Phoenix.IC 24 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski BOOKS [email protected] Return of the Master Shiladitya Ghosh talks about Clive Cussler’s fantastic new novel

he 22nd novel in a series known and undetectable weapon, and tant read for any fan of Dirk Pitt Sr. penned by “the guy I read” the sudden disappearance of a scien- For us here at Imperial, it may be a – Tom Clancy, Poseidon’s tist potentially responsible for decid- common sentiment that there is sim- TArrow has it all – from ing the balance of power in the world’s ply no time to read for leisure (or even explosions, chase scenes, seas for decades into the future, the for study, depending on your course); and bare-armed combat, to snappy fantastic duo get back to investigat- however it is this reviewer’s opinion witticisms, spunky damsels in dis- ing the murky waters for clues linking that reading Cussler’s works, such as tress, and a (literally) earth-moving these incidents – and unearth a con- Poseidon’s Arrow, can allow us to kill plot. Clive Cussler, respectfully and spiracy more complex than what any- two birds with one stone: fi rstly by al- deservingly famed as the ‘Grandmas- one would have bargained for. lowing us a (perhaps ill-fated) break ter of adventure’, together with his son, Even the most ardent of Cussler’s from workaholicism and secondly, Dirk, yet again weaves science, tech- fans (and there are a great many) giving us an awareness of how our nology, politics, history, and geogra- would have to accept that each book STEM/Medical education can get phy into a thrilling tapestry of action cannot possibly keep being better (mis)treated out in the real world, in and adventure spanning the breadth than the last, and this is one of the few addition to seeing how much value of the globe. occasions where this might be true – our potential output can have. Perhaps In this episode (though that term but this is attributable to the high sto- some of us aren’t concerned about is a superb understatement given the rytelling standards the Grandmaster that and just want to graduate and magnitude and scale of the plot) set has established for himself from the start work, but there are also many in 2014, Dirk Pitt and Al Giordino start. After the initial excitement of who wish to appreciate what they can from the U.S. National Underwater beginning another Pitt adventure set- do in the future using their degree- and Maritime Agency (NUMA) are tles, the plot starts to become slightly related knowledge, and the potential fi nally, after 21 books, getting on in predictable (but only if one has read consequences and impacts that may years. However, after the U.S. Navy’s a sizeable amount of the rest of the arise – and for these people, Cussler’s top-secret revolutionary brainchild’s series). Th is, in addition to perhaps turn out to be a let-down. slowly starting to make way for Dirk literature is surely an appealing liter- production schedule goes awry as a a smaller-than-expected dose of his- However, the tongue-in-cheek, met- Pitt Jr. and Summer Pitt in the lime- ary supplement to following the news result of a suspiciously coincidental torical linkage and a frugal serving of aphor-laden, and outright audaciously light) allow for forgiveness in this piv- or reading dry journal exposés. crippling of the world’s production explanations and details of up-and- witty dialogue and banter, coupled otal part of the series. Perhaps not the Th is reviewer recommends Cuss- of rare earth elements, mysterious coming technological concepts leads with the transitioning of character best book to start with for readers new ler’s Atlantis Found, Fire Ice, Dark deaths at sea caused by a hitherto un- one to wonder if perhaps the book will roles (Dirk Pitt Sr. and Al Giordino to the series, but certainly an impor- Watch, Black Wind, and Arctic Drift. A Journey to Earth’s Distant Future

Maciej Matuszewski Books Editor ity to its former glory. Th e story is told in fi rst person by Severian himself. He has a highly Earth’s not doing so well. Th e Book of the New Sun is universally engaging voice but is also prone to acclaimed as a speculative fi ction going off on tangents – this is not a classic, with its author, Gene Wolfe, book for those who like stories told having been recently awarded the in a concise and linear fashion. Th ese title of Grand Master of the genre. tangents, however, are, for me, one However, seeing how it comes in at of the great attractions of the novel. 1200 pages, I have never really had the Th ey serve not only to provide more time to read it. Finding myself with insight into the character of Severian relatively little to do over the winter but also help to develop the world the break I decided to rectify this mistake story is set in. – something that I’ve not come to re- It is in the world building that this gret doing. book really shines. Wolfe has cre- Th e book is set in the distant fu- ated a truly unique environment – a ture, with the sun having started to world were ordinary people live in cool and Urth, as Earth has become feudal squalor but mix with alien known, having regressed from be- visitors. Where almost all the natu- ing the centre of a great interstellar ral resources have been depleted but empire to an almost medieval soci- people continue to use energy weap- ety. Th e novel begins with Severian, ons and other advances technology a journeyman of the Order for the from earlier ages. Where giant sea Seekers of Truth and Penitence, or, monsters enslave entire nations so as it is better known by the common that their citizens are only permitted people, the Order of Torturers, being to speak in sentences taken from ap- exiled for showing mercy to one of proved propaganda texts. doesn’t fall into the trap of revealing ting bogged down in details we main- well deserving of the praise it has re- the Order’s ‘clients’. He is left to travel It soon becomes clear that, in many too much – even by the end there are tain the sense of wonder, which we ceived. While its length and some of the world, encountering remnants ways, it is Urth itself that is our pro- still many things that are left unclear might have otherwise lost as a result its quirks mean that it might not be to of more prosperous times, as well as tagonist – with Severian acting as a or unexplained. We are told every- of overfamiliarity. everyone’s taste it’s still worth at least coming upon plans to restore human- chronicler of its fate. Wolfe, however, thing that is essential but by not get- Th is is a truly excellent novel and trying it out. FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 25

Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter MUSIC [email protected] GODrec Present Wir Werden Ross Gray explores apocalyptic wastelands through noise

owards the end of fi rst people and their inner fears”. lence has been utilised very eff ectively term, an interesting email Th at certainly resonates strongly by performers such as Runzelstirn & arrived in our inbox from with this album. Both sides are unre- Gurgelstøck, but usually in a way that God records, a small lentingly bleak or haunting. Th e fi rst allows for greater audio shock when T“Austrian label for new side caught me off guard with fl at the noise returns. Wir Werden man- and experimental music”, vocals over soft electronic crackle – ages to pull its intensity down a notch promoting a Boris Hegenbart release reminiscent of Alva Noto and Blixa at times, with piano echoing around in which includes collaborations with 19 Bargeld’s ANBB, loading me with endless space, muted noise, distorted artists, such as Oren Ambarchi and expectations of glitch. Th ese were fragments of female singing all creat- Fred Frith. When the promo arrived promptly smashed. Futiristic, bomb- ing a broken ethereality. Somehow it however, I found another release they dropping synths were briefl y explored makes it all the more terrifying. had sent with it to be equally grabbing: before the noise started really build- Th e sheer amount of sonic textures Rdeča Raketa’s Wir Werden. ing on itself and drowned out all but a explored within the 40 minutes is Rdeča Raketa’s music is somewhat glimmer. Th is technique of having the certainly not to be sniff ed at. Rdeča diffi cult to describe at times, even somewhat blistering, but often some- Raketa appear comfortable in the im- within the context of noise. Not to say how ambient, noise with just distin- pression they wish to portray; enough that this is absolutely groundbreaking guishable rhythms and notes occurs so they can snap from soundscape to material or anything, it just doesn’t fi t throughout the album, and is a sure- soundscape very quickly, not allowing neatly into any box I know of at the fi re path to catharsis. any one snapshot of the desolate world more experimental or noisy end of a staggering myriad of timbres and current moment. Th e band’s attempt: Two factors that sets Wir Werden to become boring or repetitive, whilst music. As a fi rst foray into this kind layers within the sound. If all of their “Wir werden deals with the past re- apart relative to a lot of its peers (and I maintaining a cold, crushing and dark of thing it would likely be intense, releases can produce as staggeringly peating, movements and their ab- feel fi rmly places it within the Europe- atmosphere. but certainly no Lon Guy. A huge va- pretentious of a review as this, I shall sence in front of systems appearing to an noise sound aesthetic) is its use of Certainly this is an album I would riety of instruments and techniques most assuredly be listening to the up- be crumbling, relationships between both silence and its ability to relent. Si- recommend to any followers of the are successfully combined to produce coming releases by GOD records.

AMS album of the week Return of The Duke Big Boi: Vicious Lies and Dangerous Rumours Big Boi, or the other guy in OutKast, has always been a bit lost in the shadow Simon Hunter Music Editor of Andre 3000. Andre was the crazy ex- perimentalist and Big Boi was just a really good rapper. Big Boi’s excellent debut solo Th is week, just as all the music jour- album, Sir Lucious Left Foot, blurred that no’s had fi nished having their “what idea a little. There were big pop hits as well to look forward to in 2013” articles as great hip hop tracks. His second album published, a fuck-off metaphorical an- sees him taking the experimental crown vil fell from the clouds and smashed and just running with it. Vicious Lies and them to pieces; all of them made irrel- Dangerous Rumours is an incredibly di- evant. No-one expected David Bowie verse and ultimately very difficult record. to return with new material; his last The main strength of this album lies in the unusual choice of collaborators. release was a decade ago; he turned 66 As well as some more obvious guests (Ludacris, Killer Mike, KiD CuDi) we this week, the day the announcement are treated to Phantogram, Little Dragon and even Nathan Williams of was made. But by Tuesday morning Wavves fame. All the collaborators have a real influence on the tracks they Bowie’s ‘comeback’ was plastered all feature on and as such, the album has an incredibly diverse range of sounds. over the press and blaring out of ra- We get Big Boi’s standard variety of Southern hip-hop filtered through trip- dios. hop, pop rap and indie rock. It leads to a very interesting listen if not a par- Th is return to the limelight isn’t ticularly coherent one. just in the form of a couple of songs The problem with this is that a lot of the tracks just aren’t good enough. The pushed out to bump up sales of a more standard rap tracks are generally of a much lower standard than you’d Greatest Hits album (c.f. Th e Rolling expect from a Big Boi album. ‘She Hates Me’ and ‘Mama Told Me’ are both Stones last year), a whole new album fantastic but the rest don’t really match expectations. For example, ‘Thom is to be released on March 11. Th e the then-divided German capital to ally is a beautiful piece of music and Pettie’ sounds great on paper. Little Dragon, Killer Mike and Big Boi on the fi rst song from this, entitled ‘Where quit his consuming cocaine habit and almost feels like a full stop to a career same track sounds genius, but in reality it’s just a mess. The more unusual Are We Now?’, was delicately placed become more involved in the Krau- spanning half a century. Whether it tracks are just as hit and miss. The Phantogram tracks are all pretty good, on Bowie’s website at 00:00 08/01/13, trock scene, bearing the likes of Kraft- will prove to be so remains to be seen. especially ‘CPU’, but the Little Dragon tracks aren’t very engaging. The high- and subsequently devoured by the in- werk. It was here that Bowie also Expectations for the album enti- light of the album is definitely the Wavves collaboration. Rap verses over in- ternetz. Twitter went mental. worked with Iggy Pop, with whom tled Th e Next Day are understand- die rock riffs may not have been top of most people’s Christmas lists but it ‘Where Are We Now?’ sees Bowies he was sharing an apartment, on his ably high; indeed pre-orders for both really works. in a very refl ective, melancholy mood seminal album Th e Idiot. the single and album are currently at The biggest issue of all is that this doesn’t sound like a Big Boi album. It as he looks back over his long career. In ‘Where Are We Now?’ his vul- No. 1 on the iTunes chart. Only time sounds like a collection of him featuring on other people’s tracks. It’s a real Th e song predominantely looks back nerable, tremorous vocals begin raw will tell whether the album lives up to shame, because Sir Lucious Left Foot proved he can do it on his own and I on his time spent in Berlin towards and pensive before being elevated by the huge promise shown by this fi rst was really excited to see him develop. Instead, we got the quite bizarre idea the end of the 1970s; this was a pivotal painfully sad yet defi ant piano chords, release, but when Bowie’s at his best of him drowning in a sea of his own collaborators. Stuart Masson period in Bowie’s career. He moved to reverb-laden guitar and strings. It re- no-one comes close. 26 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Television Editor: Lucia Podhorska TELEVISION [email protected] Is South Park going south? Maximilian Eggl gets animated about the latest season

ike it or not, South Park set of episodes was “I Should Never is a cultural phenomenon, Have Gone Ziplining”. Parodying the often quoted, reminisced adventure/reality documentaries that L about or each episode usually run on the Discovery Chan- OMG they keep making shitty episodes. YOU BASTARDS carefully dissected. Th e nel, History Channel etc., it featured fact that South Park just fi nished its an extended scene in which Cartman, 16th season does nothing to lessen its Kyle, Stan and Kenny were all acted appeal; in fact the show has now been out in live-action. While not adding extended to fi nish in 2016 bringing it anything in particular to the plot, it to 20 seasons. is a memorable moment in the sea- Th e 16th season fi nished on the son as all of a sudden you see actors 7th of November, and the reviews are in the place of your favourite cartoon mixed. Th ere was some good as well characters. as some bad. Here are my opinions of Th e second half of the season was the latest season. markedly better, with the majority of Th e fi rst half of the season overall episodes impressing on the fi rst view- was somewhat disappointing. On ing. Here, the real defi ning episodes fi rst viewing of almost all episodes I of the season were revealed. “Rais- either was confused at the story line ing the Bar”, dealing with the whole or disappointed at the missed oppor- Honey Boo-Boo situation and with tunities for great and memorable epi- James Cameron saving the day, was sodes. “Reverse Cowgirl”, the season’s almost perfect, hitting exactly the opener about an apparent need for right places. “Insecurity” tapped into toilet safety and an attempt to sue the the Batman mania that surrounded dead, parodied the security checks in that time. I chuckled quite regularly sode of the season (which I agree current issues is astounding. Gener- apparent change in the character of airports (which was quite fi tting) as during that episode, and must say it with), it deals with the US presiden- ally with this season and other recent Cartman. Cartman used to be the kid well as the US legal system. It was a is vying for a place for my favourite tial race and in a stroke of genius ties episodes, I found on second viewing you just loved to hate. Nowadays he promising start and it did have some with the previous episode mentioned. it in with the purchase of Star Wars that even the fi rst half of the season just seems to have lost his touch; in funny moments, however it will not All the other episodes, bar “A Scause by Disney (starring the absolutely was enjoyable. Th is may be attributed fact he gets quite friendly with Kyle be a South Park classic so to speak. for Applause,” were of that same high phenomenal Mickey Mouse). to the fact that once I knew that the and even seems to follow some kind Th at summary can be applied to most standard and in my regard, restored All in all this season of South Park, plot really wasn’t going anywhere, I of moral code. Th is is not the Cart- of the other episodes of the fi rst half South Park to its high pedestal, from while not one of the best, is one of could focus on the jokes within the man I love watching, maybe he will – “Faith Hilling”, “Cash For Gold” and which it had fallen during the fi rst the better ones, mainly thanks to episode itself. South Park is a show come back again. Nevertheless let us “Butterballs” all had very promising few episodes. Th e last episode of the the strength of the latter episodes. that is at times very random, and so hope for the future that Trey Parker beginnings, but either fi zzled out season – “Obama Wins!” – was the Th ese later seasons do not have the perhaps I should have expected this and Matt Stone do not lose their quietly or ended on an incomplete perfect ending for a much improved great plots of earlier episodes, how- from the start. However one thing I touch and keep churning out enter- note. Th e most memorable in this set of episodes. Hailed the best epi- ever their success in dealing with did not like about this season, is the taining television. Dr Who is coming to town

Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski they’re good. I had, however, found painfully average. Using the Great the episode was the introduction of all the episodes in the fi rst half of the Intelligence as the antagonist meant the Doctor’s new companion, Clara. latest series, broadcast earlier in the that there were plenty of references Intelligent, adventurous and witty, Doctor Who is a contentious show. year, surprisingly enjoyable so I had for fans of the Second Doctor and she seems the perfect addition to the It is praised by some critics for its high hopes going into this Christmas old Doctor allies Strax and Madame show. She also has a very in- great imagination and the infl uence special. Unfortunately, as I was soon Vastra make a welcome return but triguing ability, which looks it has had on other SF programming. to fi nd out, ‘Th e Snowmen’ lies fi rmly the episode itself was just a repeat like it will dominate the Others claim that it has never really in the ‘disappointing’ category. of the same tropes and cli- story arc of rest of the se- gone beyond its original concept as a Th e episode begins an indetermi- chés that I’ve seen in Doc- ries – whenever she dies ‘family show’ – a term seen by many nate amount of time after the end of tor Who and in countless she seems to be reborn in as a euphemism for ‘children’s pro- ‘Th e Angels Take Manhattan’ – with other SF shows dozens of some diff erent period of gramme’. Not that these opposing the Doctor, still grieving for the loss times. Perhaps the show’s time. For a while it even points of view are mutually exclusive of Amy and Rory, living the life of a creators thought that a seemed that the Doc- – a major London fan group recently recluse in Victorian London. How- safe, uninspiring episode tor was fi nally going to voted Doctor Who the worst SF show ever, the return of old enemy the with a cookie cutter plot was have a companion form of 2012 while at the same time pro- Great Intelligence and the appear- just the thing for audiences a time period other than claiming its leads the best genre tel- ance of the mysterious Clara, looking who had just fi nished their our own, until the episode’s evision actors of the year. I have much suspiciously like Oswin Oswald – the Christmas dinner and coda revealed that it was a the same attitude myself, having pre- woman turned into a Dalek who was were unlikely to be paying present day version of Clara viously said on pages that I believe the killed at the end of ‘Asylum of the full attention to the episode that would be travelling with show’s episodes can be split up into Daleks’ – soon convince the Doctor but for someone who’s seen the Doctor. Still, I am looking three categories – a third of them are to come out of his early retirement. as much genre television as forward to seeing more of her brilliant, a third are just plain disap- Th ere was nothing particularly I see a tall, dark stranger in your I have it was just boring. when Doctor Who returns in pointing while a third are so bad that wrong with the story – it was just, well, future...and a creepy snowman Th e best thing about April. FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 27 Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti FOOD [email protected] Sophia Goldberg on the #1 New Year’s resolution Do you have the same recurring New Year’s resolutions? I’ve heard them all before: stop drinking so much, do a problem sheet, get organised, text/call mum more, text/call gran more, stop texting/calling people so much and see family/friends in person, and personally, stp speakin in txt. The most common resolution of all is to tame the bulge. Do you love food and hate scales? If you want to slash the caloricious content of your food but not the scrumptiousness then throw out your old ‘thou shalt not eat’ New Year’s resolution – armed with this week’s helpful issue you’ll see that you can still enjoy your breakfast, lunch and dinner guilt-free.

Very Berry Breakfast Pancakes A Light Lunch of Pea Soup

Pancakes are great because they are really quick to make and great fun. Here’s a This recipe can be made in a matter of minutes and it always tastes great – all you need is a blender. Why add other vegtables recipe for a great healthy and filling start to the day. to the soup, like carrots or peppers and add that to the soup?

Ingredients (makes 6) liquidy? Add a little more flour if nec- 70g of plain flour essary. Put your (very) non-stick frying 1 egg pan on a high heat and add about half 100ml of milk mixed with 40ml water a teaspoon of oil/ butter – a little goes Butter or vegetable/ sunflower oil for a long way. Add a little ladleful of mix- frying ture to the pan and spread it over the 2 tbsp of yoghurt whole pan. Wait a couple of minutes Ingredients (serves 2) Preparation or so – you don’t want it to be too 1 tbsp of honey and flip! Remember that the first pan- A few cups of boiled water Boil just over 3 cups of water while watery. Stir until the stock cube has A handful of strawberries, raspberries cake is always rubbish – Delia calls it 2 cups of frozen peas roughly chopping an onion (it’ll be dissolved and the mixture is boiling. and blueberries a ‘test’ pancake, so if it’s crap, it’s okay 1 onion in the food processor in a moment). Now add the mixture to a blender because Delia says so. Just keep mak- A blob of butter Add a blob of butter to a saucepan and blend! Now return the soup Preparation ing pancakes until all the mixture is ½ an organic vegetable stock cube on medium heat. Once it’s melted to the saucepan and add pepper to Sift the flour into a mixing bowl. Add used up. Now fill your pancakes with 6 mint leaves add the onion. When browned add taste – there’s no need to add salt, the egg and whisk it in. Slowly add the honey, yoghurt and the fruit. Roll Pepper to taste the peas, half a vegetable stock cube as there’s enough in the stock cube. the milk and water mixture and whisk them up and add some more yoghurt and the water. Add the water so that Serve in bowls and garnish with mint until they are combined. Mixture too and fruit to the top. it just covers the peas by about a cm leaves. Jamie Oliver - Eat your Heart Out

My dad gave me Jamie Oliver’s 15 Min- 2 tbsp sweet chilli sauce the sweet potatoes into a large pan on ute Meals this year. Like the Hairy Di- 4 x 120g skinless chicken breasts a medium heat. Add the water so that it eters (AKA the Hairy Bikers), Jamie 1 tbsp Cajun seasoning just covers the potatoes. believes anyone can cook and eat great, Pinch of salt On a large sheet of greaseproof paper healthy food. However, Jamie claims 4 tbsp natural yoghurt toss the chicken in the Cajun seasoning you can do it in 15 minutes. Given that Note that I omitted the 1tbsp of po- with a pinch of salt. Fold over the pa- you’re not superhuman it may take you lenta, 20g feta cheese and 2 rashers of per than bash and flatten the chicken to a little longer – it took me about half an smoked streaky bacon that Jamie in- 1.5cm thick with a rolling pin (or use the JJamieamie hour. In Jamie’s defence, after cooking cludes in his recipe. I couldn’t justify sweet chilli sauce bottle, if you don’t this meal a couple of times I think could buying them when I was using such a own one). get it down to 20 minutes. small amount. I also didn’t use 175g Add the chicken to a non-stick pan vvs.s. This is Jamie’s healthy Cajun chicken okra, mainly because I didn’t know with 2 tbsp of olive oil, turning every 3 with sweet potato mash and salsa sal- what it was (it basically looks like a or 4 minutes, until golden and cooked ad, apparently 651 calories per person, cross between a courgette and a cu- through. Drain the sweet potatoes, MMee with some bits taken out/added by me. cumber), but also because Sainsbury’s return to the pan and mash with the didn’t sell it. I added the yoghurt – trust sweet chilli. Put on a very low heat. Ingredients (serves 4) me you’ll need it. Put the sweet corn in a salad bowl. 1 bag of frozen sweet corn (corn on the Finely chop the spring onion, coriander cob is too much effort) Preparation and chilli, roughly chop the tomatoes 1 small bunch of fresh coriander Boil the kettle with lots of water. On a and add to the sweet corn. Add a pinch 1 red chilli low heat, cook the bag of sweet corn on of salt, the juice of 2 limes and a splash 4 spring onions a frying pan with a splash of olive oil – of olive oil to the salsa. 3 ripe tomatoes Jamie, what kind of university student Now serve the Cajun chicken on a 2 limes owns a griddle pan? Peel the sweet bed of sweet potato mash with the Olive oil potatoes and roughly chop them into salsa and yoghurt on the side. Trust me 800g sweet potatoes small cubes so they cook quickly. Put you’ll want the yoghurt. It’s a bit spicy. 28 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] The best fi lms from the 1970s

John Park Film Editor

Recently, the British Film Institute (BFI) released the results of their celebrated poll, “THE GREATEST FILMS OF ALL TIME”, in which they surveyed fi lm critics and directors to list their ten favourite fi lms. Now the Felix Film team, as much as we’d love to, doesn’t have that kind of time or resources. And so we decided to split the fi lms up according to the decades in which they were released. So every week, we will present you with our top fi lms of each decade.

10. Dog Day Afternoon (1975) 8. The Exorcist (1973) 6. Network (1976) 4. One Flew over the Cuck- 2. Chinatown (1974) Sidney Lumet’s seemingly small but An unfl inching, brutally shocking fi lm “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not go- oo’s Nest (1975) It may start off innocently enough, perfectly formed bank-heist-gone- that had audience members fainting ing to take this anymore!” is a line of Oppression, struggle for freedom, but as more characters are intro- wrong drama is unpredictable, com- worldwide, its widespread ban goes to dialogue that will ring true to many, revolution, a full-on war all feature in duced, the disturbing, corrupt con- plex, and oddly touching, featuring show just how much of a scandal this as television news anchor Howard Milos Forman‘s remarkable down-to- spiracy surrounding the control of Al Pacino at his usual best intensity, caused. Linda Blair (voiced by Mer- Beale’s (Peter Finch) public melt- earth, human drama set in an insane California’s water and power systems leading the sweaty, claustrophobic cedes McCambridge during her de- down is captured on live television. asylum. Th e cheeky yet intelligent and are slowly unveiled, as determined robbery, with John Cazale pitching monic possession) is even to this day As a ruthless, cutthroat dramatic inspirational Jack Nicholson faces off detective J. J. Gittes (Jack Nicholson) in for an excellent supporting turn in the scariest in a long line of demented satire of network broadcasting, here with the abusive (both physically and uncovers a string of malicious leads his far too brief career. What should psychotic children in cinema, the blink- is a sharply realised, darkly comic psychologically) Louise Fletcher, who that endangers his life (not to men- have been a quick and easy job devel- and-you’ll-miss fl ashes of the demon’s fi lm, and Faye Dunaway’s energetic, both justly won their acting Oscars for tion, getting his nose sliced with a ops into a deadly hostage crisis, even- face is a terrifying series of tricks, and no-nonsense, manipulative, success- their exceptional performances. Th e brilliant cameo from the fi lm’s direc- tually leading up to an insane media Ellen Burstyn’s performance is one driven bitch is a real treat. However, fi lm’s power fails to waver even to this tor, Roman Polanski). In the middle frenzy that can be swayed in the most born out of sheer terror. Plus who can this lost out to Rocky in the 1977 Os- day, well over thirty years after its re- of this murky pool is Faye Dunaway’s alarming ways. “Attica! Attica! At- forget that horrendously eff ective mu- car Best Picture race. We’re as mad as lease, and it’s the second of three fi lms Evelyn Mulwray, a woman with plen- tica!” is the fi lm’s fi ery highlight. sic? Approach with caution. hell about that. to sweep the Big Five at the Oscars. ty of secrets of her own.

9. The Sting (1973) 7. Apocalypse Now (1979) 5. Taxi Driver (1976) 3. The Deer Hunter (1978) 1. The Godfather (1972), The God- It’s the ultimate stylish feel-good Th e “making-of” story is as famous About a socially deranged man who Its butt-numbing running-time, as father Part II (1974) movie in which the good guys get eve- as the fi lm itself, and this lengthy can’t sleep, and has far too much well as its blatantly skewed, one- It makes sense to put “Th e Greatest rything they deserve through a clever epic of a war story successfully rec- time on his hands to ponder in his sided look at the Vietnam War have Film Ever Made” and its follow-up set of tricks. Having a duo as likable reates all the horrors one would ex- dark thoughts, Robert de Niro’s gathered up a fair share of detrac- “Th e Greatest Sequel Ever Made” and good-looking as Paul Newman pect to see. Also present is Marlon Travis Bickle is a ticking time bomb tors, but there is no denying that side by side, so we can free up a spot and Robert Redford, paired up here Brando’s cameo appearance to wrap from the moment you set eyes on Michael Cimino’s eff ort in the por- to squeeze another fi lm into the list, again for the second time after Butch up one of the most unforgettable him. Enter an American Presiden- trayal of three young individuals as these two epics belong together to Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, helps war movies ever made. Th e Redux tial hopeful, guns, lots of guns, and and their harsh experiences in the stand as one sweeping, unique cin- immensely when selling a story this version? Th ere’s an hour of extra a 12-year-old prostitute (the excel- war is anything but ambitious. Th e ematic experience. Never has there sugar-coated and cheerful, and its footage; some say it slows down the lent Jodie Foster in her child actress young cast, who have since become been a more engrossing gangster catchy soundtrack also does wonders pace, others say it further enriches days), then you have a recipe that cinema’s legends, range from Robert fi lm, where the stakes have been this to uplift the jolly mood. Th e twists the masterpiece – you’ll have to be sets up for a bloody finish; which is de Niro, Christopher Walken and high, the characters this intense, and and turns are smart, and the end re- the one to decide. But one thing’s for does, and in the graphically shock- Meryl Streep on their absolute best its many, many strands, so skilfully sult tremendously rewarding. Best certain; this is a fi lm to watch many ing yet classy and rather affection- form, and its pitch perfect poignant interwoven. It’s six hours of pure cin- Picture winner? Absolutely.. times over. ate way. ending, stirringly beautiful. ematic genius. FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 29

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] What we watched over Christmas

The Impossible Jack Reacher Quartet The Hobbit

Reese Witherspoon, an Oscar-winner Tom Cruise steps in to portray the A less jumbled, funnier, more touch- Peter Jackson, after a long, diffi cult herself, sent a fan letter to Naomi character of Jack Reacher, a man of ing version of 2012’s hit, Th e Best journey of putting this prequel togeth- Watts recently, praising her “brutal many skills with a mysterious past Exotic Marigold Hotel, here we have er with numerous production delays, physical performance,” “the ferocity who suddenly appears to help out an the unrealistically beautiful Bee- budget problems and creative diff er- of [her] mothering spirit” and “soul old acquaintance who has been ac- cham House, a retirement home for ences, fi nally has one-third of it out in touching moments.” And Ms. With- cused of senselessly murdering fi ve musicians. Th eir days are fi lled with the cinemas. His decision to split the erspoon is spot-on when describing seemingly unconnected, innocent charming songs, light and breezy hu- fi lm into three has not been the most Watts’ contribution to the harrowing, people on a regular day. All the in- mour and plenty of sunshine that re- popular, and the slow, dragging pace is unforgettable fi lm based on the 2004 criminating evidence points towards ally doesn’t make ageing look so bad. certainly felt in part one of Th e Hobbit, Indian Ocean tsunami. Th e last time a a certain James Barr and as more Every year the residents stage a con- this one titled An Unexpected Jour- famous actor (Julia Roberts) endorsed is revealed, his lawyer Helen Rodin cert, the proceeds from which they ney. Th ere is a merry band of dwarves someone’s performance (Javier Bar- (Rosamund Pike) fi nds it increasingly use to keep their sanctuary running. who set out on a quest to reclaim their dem in Biutiful) so publicly, he ended diffi cult to fi nd holes in the story. With tickets more diffi cult to sell, kingdom that has been invaded by an up with a nomination. It’s a safe bet to But being who he is, he comes up they need something big. And it just angry dragon. Th e wise wizard Gan- assume the same will deservedly hap- with cunning ways to outsmart the so happens that there are four of the dalf the Grey enlists the help of Bilbo, pen for Watts. bad guys, and in the end you know greatest singers in English operatic a gentle-natured, home-loving Hobbit, Looking at the fi lm as a whole, it’s where the fi lm is headed – that we see history staying at this place. But with in joining their quest. an incredibly moving story of a fam- a completely diff erent shooter in the a chequered past, old age, and the oc- One worries for these men as they ily torn apart by this terrible tragedy, fi lm’s opening ensures us that the ac- casional memory lapses, will the four can hardly seem to defend themselves bruised and battered by unstoppable cused is innocent, and it’s really the (Maggie Smith, Tom Courtenay, Billy against pretty much anything dark nature, and its equally horrifi c and process into proving this that the fi lm Connolly, Pauline Collins) be able to that comes their way, and just how on challenging aftermath. Th e waves focuses on. save their beloved care home? earth they’ll go about tackling a fi re- crash-landing have impeccable scale It certainly over-reaches into think- Reading the plot may make this breathing dragon is anyone’s guess, and genuine terror, whereas the ing that it’s dealing with a cleverer, come off as a preposterous, sugar- but for now, here is a beautiful, lengthy more human aspects of the drama, bigger plot than it really is, and to- coated nonsense which technically but often thrilling view of their Middle strengthened by exceptional perfor- wards the end, the big reveals aren’t at this is. But with a cast this talented Earth road trip that even after almost mances from its cast fi nd plenty of all shocking or in any way smart. But and an atmosphere this warm and three hours of running time only in power and genuine emotions despite the charming box-offi ce draw Cruise fuzzy, it turns into that feel-good fi lm fact gets them just a couple of thou- some rare but probably unavoidable still appears to have what it takes to you probably shouldn’t like but do sands of miles away from their actual missteps into hampering melodrama. lead an action picture. anyway. destination.

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helm. Lee’s previous works include teen) is intrigued by religion and the believe they’re not, Ang Lee and his writer David Magee, the fi lm is an ex- the phenomenal Crouching Tiger, Hid- meaning of life – a development that production team make it all so hor- cellent combination of narration and Life of Pi den Dragon, Sense and Sensibility and, the fi lmmakers treated with respect- ribly real, down to a few terrifying, monologue. Th e young Chilean direc- most recently, Brokeback Mountain – ful playfulness as Pi creates a private popcorn-fl ying 3D moments. Pi’s 227 tor of photography, Claudio Miranda, a very quiet fi lm with little dialogue. religion combining Hinduism, Islam days at sea test his physical and mental creates unbelievable horror in the Director: Ang Lee Born in Taiwan, Lee has established and Christianity with the beauty of the strength (not to mention his faith) and storms, and utter beauty in the spar- Screenwriters: David Magee, himself over the last few decades as natural world found on his doorstep in the story is beautifully uplifting and kling fi sh surrounding Pi: Miranda Yann Martel one of the world’s most versatile, mul- the zoo. But when his father decides to crushingly devastating at the same must surely be in line for an award. In Starring: Suraj Sharma, Irrfan ti-talented directors – not to men- take the animals to Canada to be sold, time. Unfortunately the frustration of fact, this is an awards-season movie if Khan and Adil Hussain tion one of the most successful – so Pi despairs and his faith is tested. He the book’s ending is not lost in the fi lm ever there was one – it certainly de- just maybe this could be a winner. and his family board a Japanese ship – the crux of which is a question the serves every technical prize available. 3D glasses at the ready, thousands of with the animals – a journey that will adult Pi asks the author, and the an- But alongside the magnifi cent eff ects, viewers have fl ocked to see Life of Pi – be far more thrilling than expected. swer he receives. the story of a young boy bewildered at Film Editor and have come out glad that they did. When the ship is struck by a gigantic Adapted for screenplay by American sea is not lost. Lucy Wiles Th e tale begins in the present: a storm in the middle of the ocean, Pi Canadian author (who it is assumed fi ghts for his and his family’s lives only For those of you who have read Yann is Yann Martel, played by Rafe Spall) to fi nd himself captaining a lifeboat Martel’s Booker prize-winning novel travels to India to research a book, with just a zebra, a hyena, a female or- Life of Pi, you might have wondered, where he is told by a friend that there angutan and the gigantic Bengal tiger how on earth this soliloquy was going is a man back home in Montreal called named Richard Parker for company to be transformed into a half decent Pi (Irrfan Khan), with such a story to – watching the wreckage of the ship, fi lm. Th e majority of the novel is set tell that ‘it will make you believe in crew and his family disappear down in a small boat drifting around the God’. Intrigued, the author locates Pi the Mariana Trench. ocean, and relates the thoughts of the (whose actual name is Piscine Molitor And so starts Pi’s grand adventure. lead character – how was that going to Patel), a philosophy teacher, and Pi Th ere is no peace and relief of survival translate successfully into a good fi lm? relates the tale of his incredible life – on his little boat – this is a Darwin- ARGH...salt water on nipples..! After the release of the fi lm’s advert, all starting as a zookeeper’s son in Pondi- ian place where animals fi ght for their hope was lost – 3D eff ects must surely cherry, India. lives. Pi must learn to command the be the focus of the producers, not the Growing up in India, the very seri- creatures, or die himself. Using 3D heart-rending story of the book. ous and inquisitive young Pi (played by fi lming at its absolute fi nest (eat your Th is was reckoned, of course, with- Gautam Belur at fi ve, Ayush Tandon heart out James Cameron) and CGI out fabulous director Ang Lee at the at twelve and Suraj Sharma at six- creatures so realistic that you wouldn’t 30 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] 2013 January Preview: f

Th e New Year is here – which can only mean one thing: the exciting, glittery Oscar season is well under way. Films Les Miserable indeed that carry their studios’ high expecta- tions are rolled out in late December over in the States, which means over here in England, we see their releases throughout January. Sick of feeling down and gloomy with the January blues? Felix Film takes a look at the Cowboy hats are so in excellent fi lms on off er that should be worth your while. Gangster Squad (10th January): Les Misérables (11th January): Django Unchained (18th January):

What should have been released in Tom “should-give-his-Best-Director-Oscar-to-David-Fincher” Hooper (Th e Financially speaking, this is set to become Quentin Tarantino’s highest gross- November is fi nally getting its push King’s Speech) and the cast are mighty proud of their unique musical achieve- ing fi lm yet, and is also his best reviewed since Pulp Fiction. in January, although any Oscar buzz ment. Basically, everyone does their own singing, and what you see on the Teamed up once again with Christoph Waltz (the man who played the excel- has suddenly died down and been si- screen is the actors actually doing the live singing. No miming involved what- lent Nazi Colonel Hans Landa in Tarantino’s previous Inglourious Basterds), lenced thanks to that lone gunman in soever. It adds intensity, and raw emotions. Anne Hathaway certainly seems to the unique director now tackles the spaghetti western genre, without failing to Arizona. Th e studio rushed to take be the front-runner to pick up the Best Supporting Actress Oscar (or a nomina- add his very own special touches of sensibly over-the-top chaos and mayhem, its trailer down, which featured a tion at least) for her heart-wrenchingly beautiful and intense interpretation of graphic violence, snarky humour, and outrageous one-liners and an astonish- scene in which a group of men shoot ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ eff ectively erasing Susan Boyle from everyone’s memory. ingly well-assembled cast that consists of Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio and through a cinema screen with ma- Yes, this further enhances depth and sense of struggle (just listen to the cast the Tarantino-favourite, Samuel L. Jackson. chine guns, probably killing every- trying to get the top notes: it’s one bloody messy struggle, perfectly mirroring It’s a revenge road-trip with slick gunfi ghts, as a slave-turned-bounty-hunter one in the cinema, not the message the massacre and body count that follow) in the already overwrought, heavily (Foxx), with the valuable help from his mentor (Waltz), tracks down his wife they want to be selling so soon after saturated musical, which may be why this is racking up the nominations in (Kerry Washington) who has been kidnapped by a merciless Southern planta- the actual real-life tragedy. Hasty re- pretty much every single award ceremony. Th ere are sensational crowd reac- tion owner (DiCaprio – will he or won’t he get the Best Supporting Actor nod?). shoots were commissioned, and there tions all over the world, with some cinema audiences literally rising up on their Tarantino has very rarely, if ever, set a foot wrong in bringing his ideas to the is very slim chance we will actually feet to applaud. big screen, and although an acquired taste, he never lets his fans down, a reli- get to see that footage. But the fact remains, the cast is largely made up of professional actors, not able director who always promises to bring something fresh and original to the But here is a potentially interesting singers. And it certainly shows in their scratchy voices and often uncomfort- table, and he certainly seems to achieve that here. cop vs. gangster scenario. Sean Penn able vocals that never sit quite right. Hugh Jackman (as much as we down here is the notorious mob boss terroris- at Felix drool over the talented Australian) almost ruins the fi lm’s most beloved ing his city, Josh Brolin is tasked with solo, Russell Crowe is unintentionally hilarious whenever he opens his mouth leading a bunch of men into taking to sing, Amanda Seyfried’s weedy soprano voice doesn’t do much to add pas- this man down; and the fun twist be- sion to her romance, Helena Bonham Carter who sounds bored only scarcely ing that the “good guys” aren’t strictly impresses in what should have been juicy comedy scenes, and it’s really the sup- cops. Th ey are allowed to bend the porting players hired for their stage credit, Samantha Barks and Aaron Tveit, rules and often break the law, in order who shine. to complete their one-way mission. It’s certainly a fi lm to watch for its scale and intensity, but not for listening to Of course, there needs to be a seduc- the sensational tunes. Th e cast can’t even come even close to…say…the West tive woman involved, and here it’s End cast on a dodgy day. Adjust your expectations, sit back, relax, and be bom- Emma Stone who steals the heart of barded with 150+ minutes of never-ending sentiment and passion. Ryan Gosling. She’s trapped in a love- less, frightening relationship with the bad guy, looking for a way out with That’s where the creepy the good guy. guy from Level 2 of the No points for originality then; but it Library went does sound fun with an ace cast who consistently bring their A-game. Bul- lets will fl y, heads will roll, men will get laid, and things will explode (this isn’t a sex joke, so behave).

Your ciggy is the wrong way round bro FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 31

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] for your consideration...

The Sessions (18th January):

It’s a romantic comedy about sex, but probably not the kind you’re thinking about. In a bold move to portray sex as something that’s not a trivial, drunken con- quest, it rather sensitively approaches the theme with warmth and dignity. For an intelligent 38-year-old journalist confi ned to an iron lung, it’s Mark O’Brien’s (John Hawkes) curiosity that leads to his search for a sex surrogate. He wants to lose his virginity. He wants to know what sexual intercourse con- sists of. Enter Cheryl (Helen Hunt), a sex therapist with whom Mark can have a restricted number of six educational sessions. Th e two are not there to fall in love, they are to merely explore their bodies, Cheryl is to teach Mark about the Won’t Back Down (25th January): various senses in his body, to have him control them in intimate moments to ultimately engage in sex when the time comes with another person. So this isn’t actually even in close Using the character Cheryl, who is given a never-ending supply of warmth The moment range to the Oscar race, since the and compassion in Hunt’s terrifi c performance, the fi lm carefully explores when the brain reviews in the States were so disap- Mark, his condition, and his past, to paint a fuller picture into his life, never wave hits her: pointing back in September, but for patronisingly dismissing him as just another disabled Hollywood stereotype. let’s look in his anyone looking for an easy-going, Critics and voters are clearly loving Hawkes and Hunt, as nominations house feel-good movie of two women defy- are fl ooding in for the pair’s brave portrayals of their challenging roles, with ing the odds and beating the big bad Hawkes only able to use the expressions of his face to fully engage with the boys’ bureaucracy club, this is the audience. It’s a humble off ering but a more than satisfying one, in which gentle fi lm for you. bursts of both laughs and tears will come and go. As usual, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Viola Davis are inspirational as they stand together to reform the edu- cation system that is failing their children. Th e system can fail, but a Sad because he parent can’t – says the fi lm’s tagline lost his top hap and from that you can deduce what a simplistic, feel-good fi lm this will be. Lack of heavy-hitting drama despite its given subject matter that could spark a debate for hours on end, the chances are, you will be disappointed, and this one is for fans of the excellent actresses only. Lincoln (25th January): Zero Dark Thirty (25th January):

A fi lm that is as informative as it is entertaining, Steven Spielberg turns a po- Forget the non-sense controversy stirred up by paranoid politicians and na- tentially dull and dry topic into a fascinating, surprisingly humourous account ive individuals who seem to believe that America doesn’t use torture. Kathryn of how the 16th President of the United States worked his power to pass the Bigelow’s gripping retelling of the 10-year manhunt and the eventual fall of 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. Osama Bin Laden may not have everything 100% accurate (very few fi lms can Set during the American Civil War that is proving to be incredibly unpopular actually claim to be just that), but the condensed material is a meticulously as well as costing countless lives, Lincoln needs enough votes, from both his structured, impeccably detailed, large scale procedural with a riveting perfor- own and opposing parties to push through his addition to the United States mance from its lead, the ever-so versatile Jessica Chastain. Th e 10-year hunt Movie 43 (25th January): Constitution. Cunning lobbying is required, as well as careful handholding of takes a toll and forces Maya (Chastain) to sacrifi ce a lot, and it’s shown in her various party members to ensure support. raw, uninhibited performance of sheer realism. Th e fi lm is more interested in Defi nitely has nothing to do with the One of the most dedicated method actors working today, Daniel Day-Lewis, the personal angle of the story, rather than taking a bigger, over-reaching po- Oscars. Th is is the defi nition of an embodies the role of a calm, collected and softly-spoken President, whereas litical stance, and is more triumphant because of it. anti-Oscar fi lm. A crude, off ensive Sally Field, with as much energy and guts she has always possessed in her fi ery A political thriller to blow “Argo” out of the water, it cleverly integrates sev- comedy that sets out to insult every- performances in the past, is as astounding as Mary Todd, Lincoln’s wife. eral real-life events such as its harrowing opening of a completely blank screen one, instead of vying for awards glory, It covers a lot of ground – ranging from various political gatherings in the only playing audiotapes of various victims of 9/11, and the 7/7 London bombing here’s something to make you laugh, House of Representatives, delving into the grizzly battlefi elds, serving as the to push the narrative forward, and even at 157 minutes there isn’t a fi lm more and something to make you feel guilty fi lm’s opening, as well as showing the more domestic, family-oriented side to consistently exciting throughout. And with a memorable fi nal parting shot, the every time you burst uncontrollably his Presidency. fi lm isn’t afraid of directly asking the audience, was all of this worth it? into fi ts of laughter. 32 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Games Editor: Ross Webster GAMES [email protected] New Year’s 2048x1152 Ross Webster really couldn’t pass up on that joke. Sorry.

ith the Steam whilst other options may have been You can tell what social circles you’re sales now over, burnt beyond recognition, leaving a in by the number of Facebook posts it’s offi cially the horrible taste in your mouth. Bear mentioning the reveal of Pokémon X & W start of the 2013 in mind, I’m only picking out a few Y on your feed. Everyone’s so excited, gaming calendar. choice selections here – I can’t men- it’s as if they’ve seen an Oasis vending Even before I got to mark ten days on tion everything that should be a good machine in the middle of the desert, my pin-up calendar of Alyx ‘Miss Jan- show. Bon appétit. despite the latest Pokémon games uary’ Vance, there’s news that blows coming out less than three months away the cobwebs of 2012. As it’s exam Project SHIELD ago. I watched the CES reveal and to time, I’m gonna be light on your mind Hot off the press, is news of Nvidia’s be honest, these editions do look good. and not hide any secret messages in pet project of 2013 – Project SHIELD The 3DS and its offspring seem ideal the article this time (No, really. Go – a handheld console. I can’t fault them for the first handheld 3d Pokémon and look back at the old article titles for wanting to try; a games-focussed foray and to be fair, there’s a predicted and fi nd where I’ve hidden the Decla- hardware giant has a good chance of worldwide release (in other words, we ration of Independence). So, here’s a stealing some of the love that sits solely way to compete with desktop comput- Whored mode, but still). all get the game at the same time) for low-down on what you should be pay- within the bank accounts of Nintendo. ers, with the ability to stream gameplay Wasteland 2 October this year, so there’s plenty of ing attention to – a 2013 menu, if you Yet, the images we’ve seen so far, look to handheld devices. Does anyone else My fi rst foray into the world of Kick- time to fill up that Pokédex with *flips will. Some things may have gone off by like an Alienware-branded console, remember what happened to OnLive, starter – Wasteland 2. Th ere’s a bit of pages* the 649 current Pokémon. I feel the time they arrive at your table, some which probably doesn’t mean they’re or is it just me? a history here -–Wasteland 2 is the se- old. things may have been left out for too aiming it at the younger audience. One quel (well, duh-doi) to Wasteland, the long, making them bland and problem I can see, is that the older Watch Dogs grand-father of all post-apocalyptic Star Wars 1313 rubbery, audience that’ll be prime for play- First seen at E3 2012, Watch Dogs is role-playing games, such as the Fallout I loved Star Wars Bounty Hunter. Th at ing this, already have a variety an open-world game, set in a world franchise. Th e development team is feeling of being the bad-ass Jango Fett, of ways to play games – from slightly more technologically depend- made up of inXile Entertainment and and fl ying throughout the galaxy to fully-fl edged consoles, to smart- ent than ours. Gameplay revolves Obsidian Entertainment, groups cre- capture your unwitting targets was phones. Looking back to the around hacking and gadgets, but it still ated after the dissolution of the origi- great. Star Wars 1313 is a re- slow sales of the PS Vita, this keeps true to the current style of open- nal Fallout development teams, and turn to bounty-hunting might not be the right choice world games, incorporating third-per- who are also responsible for the age- bad-assery, now set dur- for this normally behind-the- son shooter elements, along with the less Neverwinter Nights 2 and Fallout: ing the rise of the Galactic scenes company, but time stealth and parkour aspects of the As- New Vegas. Obsidian Entertainment Empire. You’re going to be will tell. As will sales. (As an sassin’s Creed series. I personally think is practically Black Isle Studios 2.0 – hunting your prey on aside, I hope this thing has the game will be quite a hit, probably Black Isle Studios was responsible for Level 1313 of Cor- amazing ventilation – I with a large viral marketing or tech- Fallout 2. Considering their creden- uscant, so be don’t like the idea of based advertising scheme. It currently tials, and the progress we’ve already prepared holding a radiator.) looks as serious a game as GTA4 (ig- seen, Wasteland 2 should be great – a Paired with SHIELD noring anything that involved Roman harkening back to the olden days of is GRID – a graphics and his love of big American tee-tees), the role-playing genre. Except for cloud. It’s powerful but with any luck, there will be the with better graphics. And murder, on paper, and people opportunity to add some Saint’s Row probably more bugs. treachery are touting it as a great madness (maybe not going as far as Pokémon X & Y and awesomeness. ControverZ

Ross Webster Barricader-in-chief on Steam. And now we know how. lowed the the game’s description, word- Despite everyone paying full price and for-word, then you took us too literally. the developers stating wonderful facts ‘ (not their exact words, but you’ve got It’s not exactly a secret that I’m a fan about the game, the whole thing was in the jist). of zombie games. From fully-fl edged an alpha-stage (to put it nicely). In other Needless to say, unhappy customers Inside the body bags: Left 4 Dead Th e War Z team-based games such as , words, team lied to get more ensued and the aggressive stance of the Hammerpoint’s PR Team to mods such as No More Room in Hell sales. Steam pulled the software from developers did nothing to help. Pro-tip: and DayZ. If you’ve been around this their store and allowed refunds (a rare don’t rush your game, just so you can get genre before, you’ll notice that it nearly occurrence within the Steam offi ces). it out fi rst, and don’t tell your customers always takes place in the ruins of cities Labelling itself “Th e World’s First to go frack themselves when they point and towns. It makes sense, to be honest Survival MMO Zombie Game” Th e out your mistakes. – it allows for a more varied playground War Z gives (well, gave) gamers a mul- If you’ve a hankering for an openworld of zombie-killing madness. DayZ took ti-environment open-world zombie zombie orgy, either gift the game to your advantage of a massive piece of coun- slaughter-fest. Now, lots of games will housemates for April’s Fools, or wait for tryside, and made it lonely and brutal. fall under the wheels of the gaming the DayZ standalone to power through And best-selling. Well, it’s free, so it’d train each year. (A new year, and I’m al- to victory triumphant. Hopefully. be best-selling if you could actually sell ready creating horrible analogies). Un- I was hoping that they’d be able to it. Another group fi nally noticed this favourable reviews, broken gameplay, recover, at least, but they’ve dug them- chasm in the market, and promised us bad advertising – all routes to the bar- selves into even deeper holes now. Bans Th e War Z. Th e one thing that smelled gain bin. None are as heinous, however, based on your k:d ratio, the inability to fi shy to the offi ce, was that it quickly as bad PR. Upon the murmurings of play the game for four hours after you popped up on our radar, months after dissension within the community, the die (unless you pay, of course) and a DayZ started building momentum, and developers replied with ‘If you don’t like class-action lawsuit will probably fi nish less than a year later, Th e War Z was up the game, it’s not our fault. If you fol- the game off . FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 33

[email protected] HANGMAN The Hangman review of 2012 his year will probably be are taxed at 3000% who was created for ON THE WAY! FUCK YEAH! WILL most remembered for a few the sole aim of hiring men who may or IT BE TWINS?” things: fat men dancing ir- may not call policemen plebs but defi - Anyway, other signifi cant happen- ritatingly, and then other nitely rides a bike like he’s from a BBC ings were that everyone suddenly people copying it even show about 1920s Cambridgeshire. heard about a guy named Kony that Tmore irritatingly. Th e year that Prince Back on to David Cameron: he’s the people started caring about for a bit Harry’s bumhole was paraded around Prime Minister. Th at means his job then forgot who he was and no longer as though he were a drunk fresher on is to be posh, or something. He read really care about. It seems Kony is tak- the way home from TigerTiger. Th e the report, which basically apparently ing lessons from Assad on how to be year that Princess Catherine the fi rst said something about having a watch- an arse and noone care. of Middletonian was photographed dog for the press. Th is is what every- Th ere was also big news for Brit- naked on holiday with His William- one can only presume was said in it, ain. Th e Olympics turned out to not ness-thank-fuck-he’s-not-Charles because obviously no journalists have be shit, which everyone thought Prince “Wills” of Windsor. Th is prox- had the time or will to read the report: they would be. Th ere was a massive imity to him in an undressed state they either a.) skim read for fi ve pages, Opening Ceremony telling the story inverted commas) Jimmy Savile was about, got stuck on a wire (sadly no- (allegedly) caused a Royal BabyTM to got bored, and skipped to the conclu- of Britain until it was stopped to let such an unpalatable character that one had any eggs handy to throw), and be announced. Th is was just after the sions and watched a video of Leveson Lord Coe talk about how great eve- if he were an ingredient even every generally worked the PR machine in Levesen enquiry produced a roughly saying what he thought if they work rything is, and the man with the least contestant on Masterchef combined his bid to be crowned King. 2000 page report that nobody read for the Guardian or b.) control found charisma in the world, Jacque Rogge, couldn’t fi nd a way to work him into 2012 was the year that Obama got about how people who take pictures “sex” and “drugs” – try it for yourself win a bet he made with a mate about an okay dish. Th en Jimmy Carr turned re-elected as it became increasingly up women’s skirts are slightly dickish, – in the hope of fi nding out that some- how dull he could make his speech. At out to be avoiding tax like it was the diffi cult to defend voting for Mitt amongst other things that are less tit- one from TOWIE sniff ed cocaine one point the Queen jumped out of a plague. Although, when juxtaposed Romney solely based on the fact that tilating. One person who read this (the from Prince Harry’s bumhole if you plane and was then forced to watch an with Savile like that, his scandal was his hair is nice and he looks a bit like count is now up to a grand total of two work for the Daily Mail. None of them hour or so of athletes walking around defi nitely not that bad by comparison. an actor who might play the President – one being Levesen himself) was Da- did by the way. His Prime Ministerist dressed up like fl ight attendants or, in Of course George Osbourne, who, if in a disaster fi lm. Fun fact: this isn’t vid Cameron. If you don’t know who David Cambot said: “NAH, fuck that, Britain’s case, a teenager from 1993 you don’t know what he is, is a sort the fi rst time he’s run for President. he is then please avert your eyes, as let’s just basically have it like it is now going on a night out in his best pair of pug nosed man with a debilitating He never got this far before though, you probably don’t want to fi nd out. and go back to not watching Steve of trackies. Th ere was also a slightly condition causing him to permanently as clearly seen when his inexperience Sure you want to proceed? Fine. He’s Coogan talk about paparrazi and OH crapper Closing Ceremony, which be pulling a cum face, was “shocked” showed through as he forgot to stop a sort of robot made from pastys that MY GOD THERE’S A ROYAL BABY resembled the entertainment at But- to hear this as his job doesn’t involve saying dickish things and calling near- lins. Although Butlins would never let money and taxing people at all. ly half of the population free loaders. George Michael perform a high en- Oh, and the Queen has been on the Last year will also be remembered Hugh Grant at Leve- ergy version of “Freedom” followed by throne for ages. To celebrate this, a for the year that you could be knighted son. If only he were his new song that nobody reading this load of boats went paddling about in for being really good at riding a bicy- the Prime Minister, can remember. Th e Closing Ceremo- the Th ames, with the Queen and oth- cle. “But it’s about the hard work and like in Love Actually. ny’s shittiness can be summed up by ers forced to stand and wave for so dedication and training and not tak- Sigh the fact that the even got downgraded long that technically it could be clas- ing performance enhancing drugs and in the “what Royal is forced to watch sifi ed as torture (USA will have taken being inspirational and a good role this” league. note no doubt and start making pris- model”. True. Good point. But still, It’s safe to say that it wasn’t a good oners do this too). dedication to riding a bike. Fast. Yes. year for Jimmys. First it turned out that Boris Johnson, who’s a fl oppy haired But still riding a bike. A feat that many a man who acted like a creepy, sinister children’s cartoon that occasionally children are dedicated to for a while. old man actually was a creepy, sinister plays the London Mayor on TV saw Where the fuck are their honours? old man. ‘Sir’ (obvious reasons for the a surge in popularity as he bumbled Corruption. Timeline of the year

Kony, as you prob- Quote from Jimmy Carr’s neighbour, A still from a new fi lm That white beret I believe around Second place is ably didn’t recog- Sarah Spence. Look out for the in- about a man who has may make him his neck is what good too bro. nise him. credible parting thought: “There was a tragic illness where easier to spot. you call “bling”. a group of about 10 or 15 builders at he has to dance like the school and when they heard that a twat all the time or Jimmy Carr lived in the area they kept he will have no money an eye out for him. to eat. “Although he’s away on tour a lot he values the time he has at home and Pornographic Royal Baby Mamma. Gold medal for was obviously getting cartoon showing We all know you Goog- flashing cleavage a bit annoyed being Lisa Simpson giv- led those pictures. Leveson and his reminded of his tax ing head. report. Nice blue. affairs every time he walked out of his front door. “Still, that will teach him to pay his The Queen on her taxes in future.” row boat.

5 March 2-5 June 20 June 15 July 27 July - 12 August 24 August 3 October 6 Novemeber 29 Novemeber 3 December 34 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

HANGMAN [email protected]

twatter the turnip Hangman’s Finest College News Source OBAMARAMATYME2012

So you guys get anything good for Santa in administration Christmas? Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! A T-shirt from Sammy sayin ‘I’m not after tough holiday period conservative in the bedroom ;)’. It actually has the wink face as well. by Sir Elpme OBAMARAMATYME2012 ccentric global entrepre- Mr Claus in a rare neur Santa Claus has fi led public appearance, I always had you down as the S and for bankrupcy and put his although some say M type. company “Christmas In- it was a body double dustries Ltd” into admin- Eistration. Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! Th is follows on from a very diffi - No, it’s all her. She’s fucked up. She cult holiday period in which he faced told me to piss in her mouth and call problems from high demand from her Cleggman. children as well as declining belief due to kids becoming sceptical little shitbags. OBAMARAMATYME2012 Th is holiday season more people on Earth were on Earth. Th is meant that he had more work than ever be- fore. However, many children had Hahahahahahahahaha stopped asking him for presents as they realised that their parents hand- writing looks suspiciously similar to Cleggman Mr Christmas’ and that they thought they saw their dad creep downstairs last year. Christmas Industries Ltd also suf- Dude wtf? fered a major scandal when the con- ditions and pay of the elves were Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! revealed by the Guardian, with the Daily Mail latter picking up the story. Th e widespread coverage saw unprec- stood there and laughed in his trade- and has pledged to fi ght them all. He edented industry action by the elves mark jolly manner. Th at Comet and has also lashed out at Amazon and She thinks I’ll enjoy the sex more if who demanded payment and to be Dasher are nasty pieces of work, de- other online retailers for stealing his she pretends to be Cleggman. allowed to wear diff erent clothes. Mr spite their placid image they project.” elves work. He continued with “Seri- Claus is also currently on trial for the Santa was also controversially ar- ously, Apple and Samsung are ruin- Cleggman mistreatment of animals and a suit is rested after CCTV evidence showed ing local businesses like mine. How being fi led by Mr Rudolf of the North that he has been pioleting a fl ying sled are my elves supposed to make as so- Pole claiming that Santa ignored him whilst under the infl uence of thou- phisticated devices as a smartphone? That’s why she asked to borrow my until his nose became an asset. Mr sands of glasses of alcohol, with the Do you think I have the resources to clothes. Rudolf has also said that Mr Claus offi cer at the scene saying the breath- invest in that kind of research and de- “knew of the bullying and alienation alyser blew up when he was tested. velopment?” Mr Claus also denied the Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! that I was being subjected to. He just Mr Claus has denied all accusations drink driving charge.

She’s cut her hair as well Fresher resorts to Facebook rather than OBAMARAMATYME2012 terrible clubs in latest bid to fi nd love

I think she might need some coun- His friends are selling. reported to be Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! “more inventive than just typing

Nah, she’s right. It is sort of better ‘I’m gay’ as his when she looks like Cleggman status”. FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 35

[email protected] HANGMAN

Ohhhhh, TTWATWAT OOFF THETHE WWEEKEEK yummy baked THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS beans on the table. That’s exactly what he said when he greedily ate it. Schoolboy error, hold your head in shame, wait, Terrorists admit “birthday you already bomb cake not the most Got a photo of someone being a waste of a student loan? are... Get permission, then just send it to us at: [email protected] effective assassination tool” JANUARY EXAMSCOPES – CAFFEINE PLEASE CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO ARIES LEO

This week you have fi nished ex- This week, you develop an ir- This week you have more stu- This week you’ve been steal- This week Venus is aligned This week you get the biggest ams :D !!! You are really looking rational attachment to Gilson dent loan! However, after shop- ing your housemate’s shower with Saturn, which is a sure rejection of all. Oxbridge. Nah, forward to a weekend off, with pipettes. You smuggle a p1000 ping in Whole Foods for a week gel, thinking they won’t no- sign that this term you are go- just kidding. You got that ages some time to reintegrate yourself out of the lab, lovingly caress it is all gone again – you have to tice. Unfortunately for you, ing to have loads of course- ago. Looking at how well your into society following revision its shaft, and even buy it a vel- live off plain pasta all term and they craftily replace the gel work, develop rickets from exams went last term, it’s prob- exile. However, your lecturer de- vet cushion so it can sleep next your brain shrivels up from lack with hair removal cream. After sunlight defi ciency, get re- ably a good thing you didn’t cides to put the fi rst lectures for to you with your head nuzzled of nutrients. In a desperate mea- your next shower, you look in jected by your crush, get 10 get in. Things are on the up as your next module on Saturday, against the tip ejector. Howev- sure, you cut your arm off and the mirror and realise you are bike punctures, and spend the sexiest thing you’ve ever and sets a coursework deadline er, while you sleep it jabs you cook it in your toastie maker. But completely bald – all over. Let Valentine’s Day alone again. seen is dancing near to you. for Monday. I hope you don’t in the eye and escapes back you can’t quite bring yourself to that be a lesson to you all, you The planets never lie; it’s go- They push you away, saying “I think you deserved a break. to the lab. You are heartbroken. eat it and die of starvation. stingy twats. Pint? ing to be another great term. only like Cambridge boys”. CAPRICORN SAGITTARIUS AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

This week you go collecting This week you fall in love with This week you won’t fucking This week you look to the This week revision and hhigh-igh- This week you have to choose money for charity hoping that a test tube. It just fi ts so snugly stop sniffi ng in the Library in heavens for the answers. Un- llightingighting aallll ooff yyourour nnotesotes has between swimming across a lake good karma will neglect the around your warm genitals. the QUIET AREA. Nobody fortunately, someone found made you a crazy person who of colostrum or having 100 raisins lack of writing on your exam Ohhhh yeah. Your love affair wants to hear your cold loudly the paper that you hid on the must highlight everything. All crammed up your bum. Both are script. You whore your body blooms and soon you just can’t played out while trying to re- ceiling and you’re now in the work and no highlighting makes nutritious options; the colostrum out, but it turns out nobody get enough of each other. You member random shit we’ll shit for cheating unless you Jack a DULL DULL BOY. Will would go great with your ce- wants it and even medical get stuck and have to go to the never need to know. You end can pull off pretending to have page 5 of lecture handout 6 be real but might be a bit fatty, while research turns you down with emergency room. You have a up being a passed a note that an incredibly strong twitch in crucial. WILL IT. ANSWER ME. goodness from the raisins could the doctor performing the 10 hour wait and nothing to eat simply reads “sniff this please your neck. Turns out you’re not Maybe they’ll double bluff and infuse through the lining of your study saying “it’s not you, it’s but your ejaculate. You decide - signed everyone” containing a good actor, and you’re defi - use something from the fi rst anal passage but might get quite me, I like you as a friend”. you’ve eaten worse in the Library anthrax. People are mean. nitely doing resits. lecture. No-one revises that. sticky. What’s it going to be? 36 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

HANGMAN [email protected] CLASSIC IMPERIAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS I’m going to look over all of my lecture This year I’m going to be having sex notes from that week every weekend. like I’m a US rap star The classic lie you tell yourself every year. It started at Unless rap stars are now famed for masturbating into the beginning of your degree when you said that you’ll Chances she’s on a crusty sock while crying, you probably won’t be. be really hard working and organised at university, not Facebook 100% You’ll maybe try to revamp your image as some kind like you were at school. Gone are the days that you of Imperial College Russell Brand. In the January sales draw penises on notes and write “cunt” in ink on a rub- you’ll fi nd some pair of skinny jeans that may or may ber. You’re mature now. You’re all grown up. You have not be in (how would you know? In the Library eve- WAIT your own fi nances to take care of and you go food rything but full on nudity is acceptable to wear). Not MUM shopping. You even have a student newspaper that realising your low cut v neck tops just look ridiculous. DON’T uses the word cunt twice in one paragraph. Also, you’re in England and it’s too cold to bother with COME Even the biggest lad in the rugby team who guzzles all of that “wearing fashionable clothes” thing as most IN Fosters and likes “tits” will, deep down, be an Impe- of the time they’re freezing. Perhaps you’ll try to up- rial nerd who’s thought this to himself. In reality, fi rst date your wardrobe with a “signature hat” that you’ll week of term you have exams/can’t be arsed, so you never, ever get the courage to actually put on. say you’ll start next week. If you’re lucky you’ll look over your notes one weekend and never do it again. Chance of completion: 5% Chance of completion: 0% Chance of self-completion: 100% This term I’ll be organised and will Next time I won’t cram for my bring in pack lunches every day. exams, I’ll start revision early...

First three of four days will be fi ne and this pack lunch Who are you kidding? It’s defi nitely not yourself or an- novelty will be new and exciting. About two weeks yone else that you say this too. “Yeah, I reckon I might in, when eating the exact same sandwhich and all of start looking over shit in like Easter probably”. No you the unneaten bananas have gone off you fi nd yourself fucking won’t. Don’t you know how much terrible eating the terrible, uncooked jacket potatoes of the TV there is to stream at 11am the day after your latest Library Café, wishing someone would inject it with night out. Revision’s not going to cure that hangover. LSD to improve the dining experience. That’s where Neither will lying in bed watching trashy TV, but that the slipperly slope starts, and before you know it even will sure feel like a cure. your Twixes aren’t packed in your bag. You envy the Middle- Everyone knows you can’t start revising a module person who even wraps up their middle class bread class wet until all others are done, that’s why revision has to Easter bunny aka and mature cheddar with seasonal vegetable creation dream. start. Also, it’s like a rite of passage or a tradition or shit version of Santa in expensive looking foil. something for students to cram. Right? Chance of completion: 30% Chance of completion: 10%

Don’t waste your jokes on your friends, as we all know you have none, write for Hangman. Email [email protected] FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 37 Puzzles Commanders: Sotirios Karamitsos Louisa Byrne PUZZLES [email protected]

ACROSS Mini Crossword 1. Latest time (8) 1. Tasty? 4. Headwear (3) 6. Organised, sorted (8) 1 2 3 4 5 9. Crystal Ball (3) The numbers show you how 10. Permitted (7) many groups of black squares 11. Times of year (7) are in a row or column, as well 1 6 7 13. Bread (4) as how many black squares 3 2 4 2 2 15. In the countryside (5) each group consists of. Filling 6 5 3 3 2 1 1 1 2 8 16. Measure of alcohol (4) in the grid produces a pretty 2 4 9 1 11 15 1 1 1 4 1 2 4 2 1 18. Bird feature (4) picture. 9 10 4 19. Seeping, dripping (7) 5 20. Prostitute (6) 5 11 12 13 14 DOWN 2 1. Mythical beasts (7) Want to see 2 1 1 1

2. Genetic code (3) your name 3 5 15 16 17 3. Sewing pins (7) 9 4. Move on one leg (3) 6 3 18 here? Have 5. End of, e.g. fi ngers (3) 7 2 2 7. Bone (3) 19 7 8. Fork- tailed songbird (7) good ideas to 20 10. Coral Island, ring shaped 6 1 1 1 reef (5) share? Submit 1 1 5 12. Main body artery (5) 1 1 1 14. Scare (6) a puzzle. 1 1 3 15. Bap (4) 2 2 2 2 Christmas Nonogram 16. Audible breath to show

emotion (4) Sorry about the typo - and I tried so hard! 17. Cash register (4) Slitherlink

In case you forgot them over Christmas, here are the rules. You need to draw a sin- 2 1 22 3 gle closed loop by joining the dots (not di- agonally!) so that the numbered squares are 3 3 surrounded by the corresponding number of lines. 1 0 2 1 FUCWIT is resetting this term, so keep send- 2 3 ing your answers to puzzles.felix@impe- rial.ac.uk. 2 0 2 0 331 2 2 2 3 1 2 1 3 1 2 223 3 1 2 223 2

Hashi FUCWIT Final Standings 3 2 2 31Connect all the islands with Congratulations to the winners! bridges so that you can get 4 4 2 2 from any island to any other TEAMS We will be in touch about 3 1 2 one. There are restrictions, though: the bridges have to TTBumbles 43 Netflix subscriptions. 5 2 3 4 3 be either vertical or horizonal Epiphenomenal Imbroglii 32 2 1 3 and they must not intersect. Sexy Beasts 17 You can have up to two bridg- 31 1 2 es between any two islands Knights and Knaves INDIVIDUALS 12and, last but not least, each If a knight says “I believe that X”, X must be true, because if he is sane, he does believe X and 3 island must have exactly as what he believes is true, and if he is insane, he believes ‘not X’, but what he believes is false. 3 3 4 1 3 many bridges as the number Yufan Zhao 62 Similarly, if a knight says “I believe that I believe that X”, if he is sane, X must be true, but if he on it states. Wael Aljeshi 34 is insane, X must be false, since he doesn’t believe that he believes X, which from the above 2 12 M-Soup 21 means that X is false. The above holds for an odd or an even number of “I believe that”s, re- Jake Humphrey 17 spectively. So, the fi rst inmate ensures that the head is sane. The second inmate can be either insane or sane, but assuming he is sane leads us to a contradiction, because the statement 3 5 2 2 Tan Wei Jie 10 of the inmate behind him means he is insane. So he must be insane. Thus, we can proceed 2 2 2 2 2 Gordon Wu 8 in pairs (1-2, 3-4, ...), all of whom are sane-insane, and also deduce that the 99th inmate is Jason Parmar 2 sane. This, along with the head’s statement, means that the horrible conclusion Craig came Chang How 2 to was that, apart from the head doctor, all the doctors in the asylum were insane and all the Cosmin Badea 1 inmates sane! 38 FRIDAY 11 JANUARY

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, SPORT Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter [email protected] IC Rowers triumph

Sports Writer Rory Sullivan Man Wilf Kimberley by just 1 place over- it up) Yours truly. all. IC had so many excellent performanc- Another girl strutting her stuff in a es that I haven’t been able to fi t them all Th e Scullers Head of the River is tradi- new Fillipi was Cat Buizza. Despite rac- in so sorry if you haven’t had a shout out, tionally an Imperial College dominated ing with the weight of a hot water bottle next time win a pennant! Anyway, almost event, with multiple pennant and overall Move over Victoria Beckham, Pout (to keep warm at the start) Cat managed as soon as the last IC sculler had crossed winners dotted around current and past of the Year belongs to BS-J now to win the Women’s Novice pennant in the line, attention turned to the evenings IC members. Unfortunately our most style. Th e fi nal pennant winner of the day frivolities. Th e ICBC Annual Dinner was recent winner Jamie Kirkwood was re- was Hal Bradbury, who was the quickest held at the Rembrandt Hotel in Knights- leased in the summer transfer window Senior Man. bridge, and it was brilliant. Big shout out on a Bosman free, therefore hopes had Although not pennant winners, Henry and well done to Ben, Lily, Sammy C and turned to the latest crop of IC athletes to lady of the day and win an IM3 Light- picked up the Elite pennant after an ex- Goodier and Ben Spencer-Jones ensured the rest of the committee (apart from step up to the plate. And did they step up! weight pennant to go with it! Even head cellent morning’s work. IC again dominated the top-5, coming me) who did a fantastic job organising it. ICBC had the quickest female sculler of Coach Don McLachlan was left speech- On the Men’s side, the IC-lightweight 3rd and 5th respectively. Th ey were rac- It was great to see the class of ‘92 at the the day as well as overall 3rd place, 5th less during his speech at the annual din- boys have been at it again. Myles Hol- ing in the extremely tough Novice cate- dinner this year, and everyone is look- place and 8 pennants, unbelievable! ner later on that evening (more on this brough romped his way to an 11th po- gory (in which they fi nished 2nd and 3rd) ing forward to getting out our shiny new It was an absolutely freezing December later). Well done Georgie! sition overall and picked up the Light- despite Ben burying himself in a helpless eight named in their honour. Th ere were day on the Tideway, however the wind Close behind Georgie in the overall weight IM2 pennant in the process. He fellow novice somewhere around the Is- some beautiful moments at the dinner, had been kind to the rowers and it was rankings was Helen Wood, who picked was closely followed by Paul Jones, who land. Th ese results are all the more im- my two personal favourites were Har- very still. One of the very last scullers to up the IM2 pennant and was the sec- won the Lightweight IM1 pennant and pressive considering both of these chaps riet sweeping Myles off his feet and IC race was Georgie Phillips; she had waited ond fastest woman of the day. Yet an- fi nished an excellent 16th overall. Myles are sweepers at heart (and Ben not even legends Andy G and Winnie showing off for over 500 other scullers to come past other pennant came in the form of said he was ‘over the moon’ to beat love that!). Ben’s 5th place puts him in a list their shaven legs in Pacha (they are now her before she could start. In her shiny Myriam Goudet, ICBC’s latest big deal rival Tom ‘grim’ Hope, new boy on the of undisputed IC legends who have also cyclists!). new Fillipi she tanked it down the course from across the channel. Myriam has block at IC. Despite struggling with ill- fi nished in the most prestigious posi- ICBC are looking forward to 2013 and in stylish fashion, overtaking multiple been impressing everyone in the past few ness and the distractions of an under- tion at this wonderful head, including have already been back training hard. scullers on her way. However despite months, both with her rowing ability and graduate degree at Roehampton (SO international Boat-Man superstar Sam Next event is BUCS head in February the excellent row, even Georgie wasn’t the fact that she understands what the MANY PARTIES), Tom still won the Scimgeour, Desert Running nutter JPD and it is all guns blazing from now until expecting to fi nish 105th, be the quickest hell Paul Jones is talking about. Myriam Lightweight Elite Pennant, pipping Bad- and of course (otherwise why would I big then so we can bring home the bacon. IMPERIAL COLLEGEVARSITY IMPERIAL MEDICALS LAUNCH PARTY

17 JANUARY 2013 / 20:00 - 01:00 / METRIC / £2.00Entry THE CLUB WITH THE MOST ATTENDEES WINS THE TAKINGS ON THE DOOR

Red & Blue SOURZ £1.10 A SHOT WWW.IMPERIAL.AC.UK/SPORTS/VARSITY /SPORTIMPERIAL

imperialcollegeunion.org/whats-on FRIDAY 11 JANUARY 39

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter SPORT [email protected] Squash’s day out with the Pros

Stephanie Walton Sports Writer ATCO PSA World Squash Finals 2013 less to say, fantastic. Th e ladies’ num- were played on one of these unusual, ber 1, Malaysian Nicol David, fl oated transparent, spectator courts, assem- across the court in a beautiful white Rich people tend to lavish their money bled at the elite Queen’s Club in South dress disposing of her opponent with on fast cars, helicopters and yachts. West London. A handful of members grace and ease. Th e men’s games were Portable glass squash courts, though, of Imperial College’s own squash club, fought with speed, determination and are surely the ultimate display of sta- led by Jackie Ho, were lucky enough to a touch of drama – part of Nick Mat- tus and wealth. Th e court can be as- witness an evening of incomparable thew’s handle fell off his racket mid- sembled at the drop of a hat (well… entertainment. Tennis fans who tire of point and all the players were at some within three weeks) at whatever loca- watching their compatriots losing at point discontented with an umpire’s tion the owner fancies. Which means early stages should certainly consider decision. Th ese human machines were that he can perfect his backhand on defecting to squash. No fewer than 3 exerting themselves to the limits and palm tree-lined beaches, practise his out of 8 men’s contestants, including consequently, the court fl oor had to be reverse-drive on top of the Sydney the World Numbers 1 and 2, were Eng- mopped at regular intervals because it Opera House, and delight the crowds lish and in the ladies’ draw there was an was so sweaty. in St. Peter’s Square… all English semi-fi nal; as a nation, we I think all spectators who attended IC Squash in action....one day But wait. Imperial’s three squash are a very good at squash. As are Egypt, this brilliant event will agree with me courts are neither glass nor portable, so who had the most players in the draw, on the following two points: a) watch- b) squash thoroughly deserves to be- game to watch. And it should bring how is it that I know about, and indeed and whose charismatic Amr Shabana ing squash can be even more draining come an Olympic sport. Not only does Britain both medals and glory. Here’s dream of, portable glass squash courts? walked off with the men’s title. than playing and you must remember it require energy, skill, stamina and in- to the Olympic Committee coming to Well simply because I’ve seen one. Th e Th e standard of squash was, need- to breathe, especially during long rallys. spiration but it is also an exhilarating their senses in time for 2020! Hurlers Retain Title (Almost)

Sports Writer Mitch Cuddihy Contemplating the game with the end of my cheese sandwich, I really felt that I could relate to the old Irish say- Much like Leonidas and his 300 Spar- ing “don’t give cherries to pigs”. tans, Sat 3rd November found me Final game of the group stages was leading 10 Imperial hurlers. Th is time against none other than – Robert however the hammer would fall, not Gordon University. I told the lads that in Th ermopylae, but in Birmingham. Aberdeen hasn’t a great record in the Same diff erence some would say. Th e Champions League so therefore I felt challenge facing us was very much as supremely confi dent that we’d do well. daunting. Our titanic adversaries were Th is game was to be our last but by University of Dundee, Robert Gordon God we gave it everything we had, in- University (Aberdeen) and University cluding the kitchen. Aberdeen turned of Liverpool. out to be a decent outfi t and we had a First game defi nitely put the wind up very enjoyable game of hurling. Our us. We were ten sheets to the breeze All-Star and player of the tournament and two men down from the minimum came up trumps with a devastatingly requirement (13; i.e. 11+2 = 13). Luck- scrumptious goal. We lost, but not ily our brethren from County Kilburn by much, which made for an inspiring came up trumps and facilitated us fan- trend considering our limited prepara- tastically; fi xing two fi ne fellas for our tion. force. Sean and Luke they claimed their Rather like General Custard and his Winning smiles all round names were. We were sceptical but last stand, Leonidas and his issues with bought it for the time being. Making the Persians, I proudly lead a beaten up the numbers, we descended onto ral the lads and convince them to stay sity of Liverpool. Whilst in the dress- ful encounter. We hurled well until half but cheerful Imperial College Hurling the pitch and gave the attending crowd awake for the second half. “Job done”, I ing room I had a cheese sandwich. I’m time and arrived only 1-0 to 0-1 down, team home after the Aberdeen match. (estimates were from between 3 to smirked as we embarked back out onto sure someone else had a wrap. One of having pointed a well earned free. Th e Th ere were no tails between any of our 35,000) an outstanding display of sweet the pitch for the second half. And as if the lads was even meditating under a cheers were embarrassing but defi nite- legs. hurling skill in a rather haphazard and by miracle or something, my half-time steady stream of cold water from the ly arousing. A short recess and another In one serious paragraph, I would garish warm-up. I skipped the warm mutterings were paying off . Big style. shower. Th e level of zen and calm in boring team talk and we were back on like to mention a couple of things. up, and went out for the ‘toss’ with the We had scored a point! An excellent the room was palpable, as was the stale the pitch. I think most of the lads had a Th anks a million to the Union for the ‘ref’. I won with an outstandingly deli- move involving most of the team re- smell of drink and the peaky hungover drink of water aswell. lend of the bus, thanks to Warwick- cious call of ‘heads’. I elected to play sulted in new star signing “Seán” from faces. A lethal, and winning combina- I felt we really did ourselves justice in shire GAA for hosting the event – they with the wind, a decidedly handsome Kilburn fl ashing over a gorgeous point. tion I scoff ed. the second half. A great passage of play are credit to the GAA massive, as are call, as in any hurling game the wind, We all cheered. Imbued by this arro- After our 30-minute break I rounded culminated in Tipp All-Star Darragh the troopers at the British Universi- that fl owing channel of atmosphere, gant display of class Imperial surged up the troops and told them ‘to give it Ryan being pulled down in the box, re- ties GAA, mighty men so they are. It is often plays a surreptitious and provoc- forward and managed to only lose the a lash this time now lads like, thanks’. sulting in a free. I fl uff ed the 21 metre with such unswerving dedication and ative role. Unfortunately it made little game by 21 points. Hurling’s like that And they did just that. Once again I free but luckily it sailed over the bar commitment that the proud Irish tra- or no diff erence to our performance. my old dad would say. One minute you heroically won the toss, sticking with so we got to leave the pitch with two ditions have not faltered, in well over An awe-inspiring and beautiful display have it, then its gone. No big deal. No my secret formula. Th e lads gave an- whole points, which I was very happy 100 years. of hurling (by Imperial) saw us trail by sense in boiling your cabbage twice other expert display with the warm with. Whereas the fi rst result may be My advice to next years hurling team: the slim margin of 8 points to nil in the he’d also say, so yeah, ya know yourself. up. You could have melted butter off compared to a heavy smacking this one don’t be afraid to tie your haystacks fi rst half. Th e team talk was tricky but We decamped to the dressing room those pulsing legs. Staring down the was more comparable to a playful bit down when the wind is blowing. using some sad rubbish I downloaded in preparation for our next game tremendously ugly opposition we let of slap and tickle, so nothing to moan May the cabbage always rise with you from ‘Th e Internet’ I managed to cor- against the team representing Univer- rip in what was to be our most success- about like. and your family. 11/01/13 Issue 1535 felixonline.co.uk

SPORT “Keep the Cat Free” “Isn’t that just a mint with a hole in it?!” Felix Sport catches up with Riding and Polo on just what makes them love their sport so much

Alex Savell Polo Chair phe not to have a few rules. With this do. Even with the short 7 to 7 and a half in mind, almost every rule is designed minute periods of play (normally 4 or 6 with the safety of either the player or, to a match), designed to protect ponies As you gaze across the verdant greenery more often, the horses in mind. For ex- that have to work fl at out for that time, of the unbroken grass fi eld, a coursing ample, the most common foul in polo, scores can quickly get into the double vibration climbs up your legs, building and the biggest thing to learn, is known fi gures. rapidly until suddenly 8 horses burst as crossing the right of way. In more With bangs and crashes, long hits, into your vision. 32 bandaged pony comprehensible terms, it means you spectacular goals, falls, rears, thrills legs fl ashing bright colours as they can’t get in the bloody way of a horse and spills it’s easy to see why those thunder past; players calling loudly to barrelling along after the ball! Th e rule that enjoy the sport are so passionate one another as they jostle and fi ght to is in place to ensure that there aren’t about it. It’s not in any way a gentle- make a play on the tiny, white ball; the collisions between horses, something manly aff air played only by princes. distinctive ‘click’ as a long mallet, bent that could be extremely dangerous Competitively, it’s a high-speed, high- at a seemingly impossible angle, con- whether you’re four legged or two, and adrenaline showcase of skill and cour- nects and send the ball soaring a hun- it also sets up most of the tactics of the age where horsepower (*pony-power*) dred metres or more towards a goal off game. still reigns supreme. It ranks up there in in the distance. Th is is the spectacle of Knowing that no one can come in terms of dangerous sports, but oddly, polo and words, much like television front of you means that, with clever it’s the professionals in the most dan- don’t really do it justice. TV has been “Lean on me...” play (something that players seldom ger; to those trying it for the fi rst time, the downfall of many sports over the achieve), you can control who is in a or playing it at a low level, the speeds years; it’s pretty tough to televise some- position to mount a defence or make and risks are much reduced. And in the thing on a pitch the size of 9 football far too fast and whacking things with as my degree is to me. But polo isn’t, es- any play at the ball. Equally crucial is winter game of arena polo, in a smaller pitches where the players move at 30 a mallet is a game that was designed sentially, a complicated aff air; you and the fact that it’s illegal to reach over or enclosed space with an infl atable leath- miles an hour and the solid ball, barely more for chavs than the aristocracy, so your three team mates just have to hit across any other players pony, for ob- er ball, things can be even more frantic bigger than a tennis ball, can move at it’s about time it shook it’s elitist stereo- a ball in the goal more times than your vious reasons, and the only contact al- with still lower risks. Admittedly, I may well over 110mph. type. Still, polo is guilty of failing to en- opponents do. lowed is to come shoulder to shoulder be biased, but if you want to have a look In some respects this is a great shame; tice new players and fans. You’d think Unfortunately, from there it does get with another player and push him or for yourself and form your own opin- it’s high time that some of the more a high speed, contact sport, played on a bit more complicated. With a total of her sideways – though mallets can also ion… or even hop on a horse and give obscure sports and those that have a beautiful grounds, on beautiful ani- 48 legs between horses and riders, 8 come into contact with one another to it a go; [email protected] are wait- reputation for exclusivity are thrown mals, wouldn’t have trouble attracting mallets 1 ball and 8 brains on the pitch spoil players’ shots. With all this going ing eagerly to hear from you whether into the limelight. I’ve always said that people to watch. But to the outsider the (players defi nitely don’t have brains) on it’s a wonder that players ever get you’re a polo pro or a complete pony any sport that involves riding around rules of polo are about as unintelligible there’s too much potential for catastro- a chance to hit the ball, but hit it they virgin.

Riding Captain Rachel Gregory second on his horse, Jay, an experienced once all four riders on her horse had chestnut gelding and rode a masterclass completed. Liane was second on her of a test to win on his horse and score horse Teak, and had a pole down and A dark and snowy December morning 0 penalties. Rachel Gregory was third a run out (when the horse doesn’t jump saw the Imperial College Equestrian on her horse, Franklyn, a chestnut geld- the jump so you have to do a circle and Team meet for their second competi- ing, and rode a neat and accurate test to jump it again) and was given 16 penal- tion of the year at Trent Park Equestri- score 1 penalty and Liane Marshallsay ties. Rachel was third on Freddie, a bay an Centre in Enfi eld. Th e team met at was last on her horse, Galileo, a big pal- gelding, and she jumped a stylish clear 7am at Baron’s Court tube and began omino gelding, and her test was beauti- round to be judged the best rider on the long tube journey to Oakwood for ful to score 3 penalties her horse, giving her a score of 0. After their home competition, by the time At lunchtime after the dressage Im- a nervy few minutes when two riders we got to the stables the sun had risen perial were in second place behind the from LSE fell off in the warm up, An- and the snow was beginning to melt, University of Kent, who were in the lead dre was the last to ride on his horse, but the team was not looking forwards by 19 points after they managed to win Lucy, a big bay mare. He also jumped a to plaiting and grooming horses in the on three of the horses! Royal Holloway stylish clear round to be given the best freezing cold! were in third and LSE in fourth. Lunch- jumping score of the day and win on his On arrival at the stables we were time saw frantic course building and horse, scoring 0 penalties. greeted by a decorated Christmas tree tacking up of the show-jumping horses. Th e fi nal results revealed that the Im- and Christmas carols which instantly Felix’s latest My Little Pony feature Some of the teams were surprised at perial team had taken advantage of the brightened our mood, and after a quick how big the show-jumping course was home competition and won by a nar- briefi ng by Captain Rachel the team Th e scoring in the BUCS equestrian scores in both phases generally range (we built it as big as we could!) but after row margin of ten points. University began cleaning the horses and plaiting competitions is complicated – the from 55% to 80%. the course walk everybody was happy of Kent were second, Royal Holloway their manes and tails to hopefully win rider who does the best dressage test Claudia Saksida rode her horse, Ka- and the competition got underway. third and LSE were fourth. Andre won brownie points with the judge! Due to or show-jumping round on each horse liber, a dark bay gelding who was re- Imperial had again been drawn as individually and Rachel was second. Af- the snow, Kent were running late, but scores 0 and then the diff erence be- placing our fi rst choice horse Samba, team four, which meant that Claudia ter the fi rst two mini-league competi- we managed to do the draw and start tween the other riders score and the because he had pulled a muscle, re- was again the fi rst Imperial competi- tions Imperial are top of the league. the competition nearly on time, despite best score on that horse is their score ally well despite his diffi cult nature and tor. Claudia was riding Monsoon, a A huge thank you goes to all the help- it taking half an hour to fi nd the dres- as a penalty, i.e. 0 is the best. Th e dres- complete lack of interest in dressage, tricky dark bay gelding, but she jumped ers on the day, without whom the com- sage boards that had gone missing at sage tests are scored out of 250 points, and she scored 16 penalties after the a tidy round but had an unfortunate petition would not have run as smooth- the centre. and the show-jumping out of 210, and dressage phase. Andre Wilmes rode pole down, leaving her on 3 penalties ly as it did!