$3 We Walked Forty-Seven Miles Of Barbed Wire, We Got A Cobra Snake For A Necktie $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com May 24th, 2009 [email protected] TO BREATHE, TO FEEL, TO KNOW WE’RE ALIVE Faces must be coming out of the She’s Ugly, But She’s Got Big.... could have ended Game 3 by the end of the rain, because that was a strange night on We’ll let you finish that one. It’s 1st. They were up two, and had a five-minute Friday. The Hawks looked tentative and shaky wonderful the Hawks now have a chance to man-advantage to work with. They created for the first two periods, yet found them- even-up this series, but there were some ele- nothing. Sometimes on extended power selves three up. Then, because they thought ments that have to get better this afternoon if plays, teams assume they’ll score, and don’t we might actually be having fun for once, they are going to do so. play with the urgency needed. Sure looked decided to cough it up in four-and-a-half Firstly, play like you got a pair. The like that. Nor did they in the power play that minutes. But the Wings thought they’d get in Hawks seemed on their heels most of the immediately followed. The Hawks have to on the goofiness, and not apply the finishing night, and a little flat in the 2nd (though that outfire the Wings on the PP, and the Wings move to kill the Hawks off. It almost looked might be due to seeing their most danger- are good for a a game with the extra- like Sharks circling for the entire 3rd period, ous player look practically dead on the ice for man. They’ll get the opportunities, but they but then got dizzy from all the circling and a few minutes). We keep calling for this, but must bury them today. Not having Havlat, if decided to lay down for a bit. Whatever, as they have to come out breathing fire to- he doesn’t play, will hurt, but perhaps we’ll Eddie O has us chanting uncontrollably, “They day. Forechecking, banging bodies, hastling finally will see Bolland on a half-board regu- don’t ask how...” puck-carries, all of it. If indeed the Wings’ larly. Y’know, where he won Game 5 against What was good? The lockdown 3rd gas tanks are approaching “E”, this quick Vancouver from. period. Maybe it was the Wings running out turnaround of a mere 40 hours will expose Play It Again, Sam of legs, or maybe the Wings just waiting for an that, and so will forcing them to play at a high This game is just as much must- error that never came, but the Hawks pretty pace. win as Friday’s was. Going down 3-1 will be much shut up shop in their own zone in the Secondly, the Hawks have to be more pretty much death. Thing is, the Wings know 3rd period, better than we’ve seen since...well, physical, pretty much for the reasons stated this. It’s unlikely we’ll see the tame effort all , really. Datsyuk being out helped, above. There’s a fine line with Detroit, where in the 3rd from Detroit again. They came in because even though he hasn’t been at full- if you go check-chasing too much they’ll take knowing they only needed one of these, and strength, he still makes things happen. Funny full advantage of the vacated space. But it’ll they’re going to be full throttle to get it. But that it took Cristobal Huet’s introduction keep the Hawks feet moving, and that’s far the Hawks have a lot of room to improve, even for the Hawks to solidify in their own zone. better than when than they get to standing coming off the Game 3 win. Should they do Maybe less confidence in their goaltender around. The Wings clearly struggled with the so, this series is going to look a whole lot dif- helped in this case? Ducks constantly making them fully aware of ferent come Sunday night. The Acceptable Cristobal their lack of deodorant, and the Hawks should -Snidely Whiplash Speaking of Huet, no one should do the same. panic if he has to steer this ship for today Thirdly, the power-play. The Hawks and games beyond. Frankly, Khabibulin has been slightly better than passable for most of the playoffs. Games 1 and 6 against Calgary were impressive, and the 2nd period in Game 1 vs. the Wings too, but other than that, we haven’t seen anything that Huet can’t match. The only question is ring-rust, but if he’s going to play behind that com- mitted of a defense, it might not matter. He’s not going to win any games by himself, which Khabby could, but he has every chance of not losing any, either. Boy, that doesn’t sound good, does it? Well, it kind of is, believe us. However, we’ve seen enough ques- tions being raised by certain media outlets indicating how strange they thought it was that Khabby came out injured only after giving up the three goals in four minutes. Khabby may be a lot of things, but a quitter he is not. Yeah, he’s a bit loopy, and clearly sensitive, but it’s never been a question of effort from Nik, and we seriously doubt it is this time, and think it’s unfair to even sug- gest same. If that is the case, it will be Huet from here on out, because no team is going to get behind a goalie who abandons them. Chicago Hotel Staff Clean Up After Wings Fans’ Stay

FROM THE EDITOR

player. It’s never going to be this fun again. That realization hit me after Game 6 against Vancouver. I certainly don’t want to bring anyone down, -In more stupid ritual news, there’s a certain group in 320 who or ruin anyone’s enjoyment of this playoff run. I have loved every second will tell you that before the 3rd periods of the last three home games, I have of it, despite the toll on my physical and mental health given them an abridged Herb Brooks-Miracle speech. (you’d need more than an I-pass to pay that toll). But It’s worked every time. But I must look like a blither- I came to the realization that in the seasons to come, ing idiot to the rest of the section. Actually, due to a we’ll never have this much enjoyment. We won’t strict playoff-beard code, I look like a blithering idiot be doing these things for the first time in ages again. to everyone. But anyway, when the Hawks are down, As everyone knows, everything’s more fun the first just turn to the person next to you and tell them the time (well, except for doing that for the first time. following: You know what I mean. That was just awkward, and messy, and me crying a lot. But I digress...). “Great moments are born from great opportunity. Starting next , you’d have to figure the This is your moment, this is your time. Now go out Hawks expectations, and the expectations of their fans, and take it!”. are going to be “Cup or Bust.” Playoff series victories will be greeted with satisfaction or relief rather than Sam Fels I’ll probably be breaking into “300” by Game 6. euphoria and triumph, until of course we lift the ulti- mate prize. That day will be fun. But the days leading I don’t know about you, but I noticed the “Make up to it, well, this is probably as good as it will get. Some Noise” graphics disappeared for Game 3. Do we have more pull So try and enjoy it as much as you can, for as long as it goes. No than we thought? Thanks to whoever might have suggested that to the matter how it ends, when we convene here next spring, it won’t be quite the UC Gameday Operations. However, now we have Gene Honda telling experience it was this one. us to welcome the Hawks back to the ice, and I think it has six different sponsors. This will also not do. Whenever any PA announcer tells me to -Funny story about a scary situation. My friend Margaret attended the do something, I respond with, “Don’t tell me what to do, motherfucker.” game with me on Friday, and I’m sure like most female Hawks fans, and Imagine if we could get 20,000 to all say that at the same time. probably some male ones, she has an unhealthy obsession with Martin Hav- lat. As Marty lay prone on the ice, she grabbed my sleeve like a frightened child, as if I could make it all ok. Fuck, I should have been a hockey PLAYOFFS *late game not included

Eastern Conference Western Conference

#1 Boston #1 San Jose BOS (4-0) ANA (4-2) #8 Montreal #8 Anaheim CAR (4-3) Scum (4-3) PIT 3-0 #3 New Jersey #2 Scum CAR (4-3) Scum (4-0) #6 Carolina #7 Columbus

#2 Washington #3 Vancouver WAS (4-3) VAN (4-0) #7 New York #6 St. Louis Scum 2-1 PIT (4-3) HAWKS (4-2)

#4 Pittsburgh #4 HAWKS PIT (4-2) teams re-seed after first round, with HAWKS (4-2) #5 Philadelphia highest remaining seed playing lowest #5 Calgary remaining.

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP Look-A-Likes Top 10 Things Gayer Than Jiri Hudler 10. Richard Simmons’ shorts 9. Freddie Mercury’s assless pants 8. Freddie Mercury’s mustache 7. The bathroom floor in the bathhouse at Halsted and Belmont 6. Tom Cruise Sad Panda Marian Hossa 5. John Waters’ blazer One is incredibly expensive to import, lays 4. Coldplay about all day and does nothing. The other is a 3. Gene Simmons’ shorts (what?) panda. 2. Men with lap-dogs 1. Patient Zero The Rebel Alliance 1-2 (Playoff stats)

The Hawks have eight players in double figures in playoff points. To compare to rest of the Conference finalists, the

Wings and Pens both have five, and the Canes four.

sibly his life? So, that was clearly Walker’s best shift as a Hawk in OT, right? Pos

-

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 24 R The Perfect Beard 6' 2" 217 27 15 5 10 15 1 8 0 0 1 34 14.7 $6,000,000 88 R Patrick Kane 5' 10" 187 20 14 8 4 12 -8 12 2 0 0 32 25 $3,725,000 19 C Marvel 6' 2" 209 20 15 6 6 12 0 26 4 0 2 39 15.4 $2,800,000 32 L VerStud 5' 10" 180 22 15 4 8 12 -3 8 3 0 0 $21 19 $491,667 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6' 1" 197 27 15 7 4 11 0 4 3 0 2 40 17.5 $3,900,000 36 C Fabulous Weapon 6' 0" 188 22 15 4 7 11 0 22 1 1 1 26 15.4 $845,833 7 D 6' 3" 220 23 15 1 10 11 0 12 1 0 0 31 3.2 $3,500,000 51 D 51 Phantom 6' 0" 188 29 15 2 8 10 3 0 2 0 0 23 8.7 $7,142,875 33 R Dustin Byfuglien 6' 3" 247 23 15 3 6 9 0 24 1 0 0 39 7.7 $3,000,000 25 D Cam Barker 6' 3" 213 22 15 3 5 8 0 0 0 0 0 28 10.7 $2,768,587 2 D Duncan Keith 6' 1" 194 25 15 0 6 6 2 6 0 0 0 21 0 $1,475,000 37 R Adam Burish 6' 1" 189 26 15 3 2 5 4 26 0 0 1 21 14.3 $712,500 26 C Samuel Pahlsson 6' 0" 204 31 15 2 3 5 -3 2 1 0 0 10 20 $301,000 16 L Mountain 6' 2" 198 23 15 3 1 4 4 12 0 0 1 29 10.3 $1,550,000 55 L Ben Eager 6' 2" 220 24 15 1 1 2 -1 31 0 0 1 13 7.7 $568,000 22 R Troy Brouwer 6' 2" 213 23 15 0 2 2 -1 10 0 0 0 19 0 $675,000 8 D Matt Walker 6' 3" 214 28 15 0 2 2 -3 10 0 0 0 14 0 $600,000 4 D Super Nintendo Jalmers 6' 2" 200 21 15 0 1 1 -2 6 0 0 0 7 0 $643,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6' 1" 188 23 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 $500,000

*injured - Totals/Averages 6' 1" 203.4 24.16 52 86 14.6/g 18 1 29.8/g 11.6% $41,198,462 If Marty were to play today, that would mean he went down on a Fri on he went down Marty were to play today, that would mean If heard that before? day and rose again on Sunday. Where have we We had to watch the replay twice before we discovered what a slick pass that was from Sammy to Shooter for the OT winner. Pahlse has had an up-and-down postseason, but Friday was one of his better efforts. He found himself fac- ing Filppula’s line most of the night, and he, Hossa, and Holmstrom came up with exactly two shots combined.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 Nikolai Khabibulin 6' 1" 209 36 15 881 2.93 8 6 0 0 421 43 .898 0 0 0 $6,750,000 38 Cristobal Huet 6' 1" 205 33 1 22 0.00 1 0 0 0 6 0 1.000 0 0 0 $5,625,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 35 1003 2.93 9 6 0 0 28.4/g 43 .899 0 0 0 $12,375,000

TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,283,000 CAP SPACE: $274,000* Probable Lines Probable Pairings *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 2 Keith 7 Seabrook 22 Brouwer 19 Toews 88 Kane 51 Campbell 4 Hjalmarsson Injury List 16 Ladd 36 Bolland 10 Sharp 8 Walker 25 Barker Martin Havlat- Questionable (Concussion) 32 Versteeg 26 Pahlsson 33 Byfuglien Nikolai Khabibulin- Questionable (Leg) 37 Burish 46 Fraser 55 Eager Brent Sopel- Out (Talent)

Committed Indian T-shirts....

the Empire 2-1 from Marian.

(Playoff stats) This is the same total it was before Game 3, so another heroic effort # Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 93 L Johan Franzen 6-2 210 29 14 9 9 18 9 8 3 0 1 45 20 $1,150,000 40 C 6-0 190 28 14 7 9 16 11 4 1 0 0 48 14.6 $2,900,000 11 R Daniel Cleary 6-0 211 30 14 7 6 13 15 8 0 0 2 32 21.9 $2,500,000 5 D Nicklas Lindstrom 6-1 190 38 14 4 9 13 7 6 3 0 1 45 8.9 $7,450,000 51 C 5-11 202 24 14 0 10 10 6 4 0 0 0 22 0 $2,000,000 81 R Marian Hossa 6-1 210 29 14 4 5 9 2 4 2 0 1 64 6.3 $7,450,000 37 R 6-2 211 32 14 5 4 9 5 4 0 0 2 58 8.6 $1,200,000 26 L Faggy McFagFag 5-9 178 24 14 4 5 9 3 6 2 0 1 28 14.3 $1,150,000 23 D Brad Stuart 6-2 220 29 14 1 6 7 6 10 1 0 0 25 4 $3,750,000 13 C Pavel Short-Bus 5-11 185 30 13 1 6 7 4 9 1 0 0 47 2.1 $6,700,000 55 D 6-0 185 27 14 1 4 5 2 25 1 0 0 20 5 $3,000,000 28 D Brian Rafalski 5-10 195 35 9 2 3 5 8 11 2 0 1 15 13.3 $6,000,000 96 R Tomas Holmstrom 5-11 185 35 14 2 2 4 -2 14 0 0 0 14 14.3 $2,250,000 52 D Jonathan Ericsson 6-4 205 25 14 2 2 4 7 19 0 0 1 24 8.3 $203,000 22 D Brett Lebda 5-10 195 26 14 0 3 3 5 6 0 0 0 13 0 $650,000 43 C Darren Helm 5-11 172 22 14 2 0 2 0 4 0 0 0 22 9.1 $103,000 82 L Tomas Kopecky 6-3 205 26 8 0 1 1 0 7 0 0 0 13 0 $525,000 18 R Kirk Maltby 6-0 190 36 11 0 1 1 -2 2 0 0 0 4 0 $950,000 8 L Justin Abdelkader 6-1 215 22 5 0 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 7 0 33 C Kris Draper 5-10 190 37 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 4 0 $1,850,000 24 D Judas 6-1 190 46 4 0 0 0 -1 2 0 0 0 2 0 $750,000 21 L Ville Leino 6-0 185 25 $1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 14 D Derek Meech 5-11 185 24 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $475,000 * injured Totals/Averages 6' 2" 206.1 27.7 51 86 11.2/g 16 0 39.5/g 9.2% $55,235,000 Hudler and Zetterberg were the only Wings forwards with more than two shots on Friday.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary

The player we’ve been most impressed by this series. So strong on the puck and smart and series. So strong on the puck The player we’ve been most impressed by this of the defensive zone, fought in the 3rd where he skated out with it, too. There was a shift full change. while they complete a in the neutral zone, and held out off three checks 30 Chris Osgood 5’ 10” 178 35 14 886 2.17 10 4 0 1 401 32 .920 0 1 2 $1,700,000 29 Ty Conklin 6’ 0” 184 33 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 $750,000 Totals/Averages 6' 3" 215 29 14 886 2.17 10 4 0 1 28.6/g 32 .920 0 1 2 $2,450,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,436,00 Probable Lines CAP SPACE: $370,000 *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing Probable Pairings Injury List 5 Lidstrom 28 Rafalski 93 Franzen 40 Zetterberg 11 Cleary -Questionable (Foot) 81 Hossa 51 Filppula 96 Holmstrom 55 Kronwall 23 Stuart Chris Draper- Questionable (Vagina) 52 Ericsson 22 Lebda Andreas Lilja- Questionable (Concussion) 26 Hudler 37 Samuelsson 43 Helm Tomas Kopecky- Questionable (Face) 21 Leino 18 Maltby 8 Abdelkader

...ARE HERE!!!!. CHECK SECOND CITY HOCK- EY.COM FOR DETAILS The Committed Indian’s All-Time Hated Red Wings Team

Defense, Captain-Vladimir Konstantinov: Yeah, we Defense-Larry Murphy: We were going to save know, tragic car accident, paralyzed now. Just because this spot for Steve Chiasson, but not even we can you can’t walk now doesn’t mean you weren’t a total follow up insulting a paralyzed guy with insulting a fuckstick when you could. And Vlad was. Ask the dead guy, so we’ll pick perhaps the most overrated 43 stitches Jocelyn Lemieux took in his mouth after a d-man in league history, who piggy backed on cross-check from him. Clearly took Tim “Dr. Hook” Mario and Stevie Y to his Cups, and then became McCracken too seriously from Slapshot. This guy one of the worst broadcasters in history. This guy would’ve cheapshot-ed Mother Theresa. was Hal Gill before Hal Gill, except maybe slower. Another deutch-bank wearing #55.

Goalie- Tim Cheveldae: Actually, we kind of like this guy, because he was the backstop for any num- ber of Wings playoff collapses. But still, just the name kind of pisses you off, doesn’t it? Cheveldae? Sounds like he should be playing polo or ripping off your 401k.

Forward- Gerrard Gallant: Apparently, we’re not Forward- Shawn Burr: Was there a pair of calves the only ones who wanted this guy rid from the Earth, this guy didn’t chop at? Master of the sucker punch because we couldn’t find a picture of him anywhere on after the whistle, and the slash to the shins, and of the internet. Yet another who let his stick do his work, course not dropping the gloves at all. Obviously and we don’t mean score goals. God, where did they find passed his art to Konstantinov. More than few in the these slobs? Old Stadium tried to get over the glass to get to this guy.

Center- Pavel Datsyuk: DING FRIES ARE DONE ? DING FRIES ARE DONE WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? DING FRIES ARE DONE DING FRIES ARE DONE.....

Head Coach- Jacque Demers: Yeah, this joke will never get old. The Fight Card HAWKS vs. WINGS Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 4-2-08 Wiz v. 2nd. Lot of haymakers thrown, few land. Downey Downey 9:43 √ on points. 11-11-07 Sharp v. 2nd. Sharp with one of his few, but always suc- Kopecky 16:23 cessful, forays into the fisticuffs. Takes it in √ a decision 10-12-07 Burish v. 1st. Burish takes on all-world prick, lands a Drake 19:47 couple jabs. Drake does the same thing he √ does with wife, i.e. punches while opponent is prone. Draw 10-6-28 Wiz v. 1st. Wiz lands some heavy shots. Drake again Drake 6:10 √ √ waits for wife-position. Wiz in KO.

What To Watch For: Slighty more chance today, as things got significantly chippier in Game 3, but still almost no chance, unless it’s a blowout either way. Kronwall will have to answer at some , but he won’t do it with gloves off, and there’s no one on the Wings who will do it for him. A lot of facewashing, just like after a porn-shoot, but no kerfluffles. Power Play Kill

Team Opp PPG PP% Team TS PPGA PK% CHI 61 18 29.5 NJD 29 2 93.1 ANA 50 13 26 BOS 27 3 88.9 DET 63 16 25.4 CAR 62 8 90.3 VAN 44 11 25 PHI 32 4 87.5 CBJ 13 3 23.1 PIT 54 10 81.5 WSH 52 11 21.2 VAN 51 9 82.4 PIT 74 16 18.9 NYR 33 6 81.8 SJS 24 4 16.7 ANA 55 11 80 BOS 43 6 14 WSH 65 13 80 PHI 30 4 13.3 CHI 54 11 79.6 NYR 31 4 12.9 SJS 23 5 78.3 NJD 27 3 11.1 STL 18 4 77.8 CGY 18 2 11.1 MTL 16 4 75 CAR 53 6 11.3 DET 50 14 72 STL 24 1 4.2 CGY 24 7 70.8 MTL 8 0 0 CBJ 22 7 68.2 Spotlight

Niklas Kronwall

Clearly, the biggest talking-point of Game 3, along with the Hawks win, is Kronwall’s hit on Havlat. After further review, Kro- nwall did not leave his feet. The puck was at Havlat’s feet, so the five-minute interference call is probably not the right one. However, a five-minute charging call, or roughing call, or something else would have fit in just fine. sIt’ also for his own personal safety that Krons was sent to the shower, as Ben Eager and Adam Burish, and possibly all 17 skaters left would have come pouring over the boards the next time Kronwall went back on a dump-in to get at him. Was it a dirty hit? Certainly less than clean. Havlat was open to a devestat- ing hit that could have easily been shoulder to shoulder, or shoulder to chest, and it would have created the same momentum swing that Kronwall’s eventual choice did, but would have been more proper. Instead, Krons went for the forearm-shiver to the jaw, the killshot, the deathblow. No matter what you call it, it’s a deliberate attempt to injure, and it’s something the Players’ Union and the higher-ups in the league are trying to eradicate from the game. There’s simply no call for direct shots to the head. They can end careers. Ask Eric Lindros if you don’t believe it. Kronwall has garnered a reputation for doing this, and usually leaving his feet to do so. Frankly, we think it’s overblown. He’ll hit you if your head is down, but so does Brian Campbell, doesn’t make Phantom a monster. Kronwall’s gotten a lot of attention for being a Swedish defenseman on Detroit, so obviously he must be the next Lidstrom. Puh-leese. He can easily be caught out of position looking for hits, and doesn’t seem to take well to being hit. He would be advised to keep his head on a swivel this afternoon. The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL 847-952-8000 [email protected] KNOW THY ENEMY

Today, MrNorris Trophy from WingingItInMoTown.com. was of attack. I think this was more of a Blackhawks win than a Wings loss. kind enough to answer our questions about the series without resorting The Hawks played with more aggressiveness and fire and were able to to violence. get through our defense and put shots on net. I give massive amounts of credit to Patrick Sharp for the way he played in Game 3. To me it wasn’t You weren’t all that cocky before Game 3, now? just the 3 goals, it was the takeaways, the hits, the time on ice. If anything, I’d say we’re more on our heels now. The attitude of “elite” is rarely there in Detroit (under Babcock) and he often has the team Obviously, the nastiness and physical element of this series is about playing as if they’re the underdog, something I think we strayed from to jump up considerably. Is that really what the Wings want? in Game 3 though. Detroit cannot afford to let the Blackhawks offense No. Haha not at all. But maybe it will wake them up a little bit. I’m not get rolling and that’s exactly what happened in Game 3. We played calling any of our players “weak” or “soft” because to make it in the tentatively at times in the game and I think that cost us. Every Detroit NHL you HAVE to be tough. I just don’t think we have the guys (unless player knows what this Blackhawk team can do and is not taking the we see the introduction of McCarty and Downey into the playoffs) to lead lightly. Game 4 is crucial to this series (as you know) and I think matchup with the Blackhawks. As far as hitting goes, it’s pretty evenly we’ll see some great play out of both teams. matched but if it comes down to fisticuffs, we really only have about 2 or 3 players in the lineup that can go (Ericsson, Stuart, and Hossa if he’s Is there anything truly troubling about Game 3, or was it just one ticked off enough). loss? You can look at it both ways. It was indeed just one loss and there are Is Datsyuk going to play today, and if so, will he be any more effec- 4 games left in the series for us to win 2 of, but the troubling part to me tive than he was in Games 1 and 2? Though we doubt you could get was the fact that the Wings could have gone for the jugular and con- any info, the CIA probably couldn’t. trolled the series with a win last night and were unable to do it. Another You’d love to see him in the line-up if you’re a Wings fan but you never troubling thing was how all three of our goals were scored by defense- really know. With the ambiguity of injuries these days, the supposed men. The ‘Hawks defense really clamped down on our forwards “foot” injury could really be a guise for a pulled muscle or something. I and we only managed to rally off of the 3 shots from the blue line. think maybe resting Game 3 and 4 could help him get back in the shape he needs to be in for the Game 5 we know is necessary and the Games 6 One player we’ve been impressed mightily by in Mikael Samuelsson. and 7 which are looking more likely. It will probably remain a mystery He looks to be your first cap casualty, is that a huge loss or some- up until an hour before the game starts. My guess is he’s out though. thing that can be dealt with? It all comes down to Marian Hossa. If he wants to stay and takes a long term deal in Detroit, we’ll likely lose Hudler, Samuelsson, and Kopecky. I would love to keep them all but as dangerous as Hossa is, Hudler and Samuelsson are really starting to mature as players and goalscorers. If Samuelsson does go because of lack of cap space, the Wings have a good farm system and can likely replace him with a young guy. In the end, it all comes down to if players are ready to take paycuts to stay on with the team.

After tying the game, it seemed as though the Wings never really moved in for the kill. Is that because of the Hawks or the Wings? A little bit of both. Playing with 5 D-men really cut down on the Wings legs and Datsyuk being out forced some changes in the offensive plan

Hawks-scum: the Last 4

May 22n, 2009: Scum 3, Hawks 4 (OT) May 19th, 2009: Hawks 2, Scum 3 (OT) A hallucination of a hockey game, where Hawks A minature version of Game 1, but an absolute jump out by 3 without ever looking dominant, heartbreaker. Hawks are everywhere in 1st, but go Wings storm back but then don’t go for throat, in tied thanks to garbage call on Toews. Take some Hawks become solid after Huet’s entrance, and The of second off, but do everything right, except for Sharp-Shooter wins it in OT. those two little turnovers.

May 17, 2009: Hawks 2, Scum 5 Apr. 12th, 2009: Scum 0, Hawks 3 A familiar story to come. Hawks crap lighting in In season-finale, Hawks come out firing to go up first, and then proceed to shotgun blast all their toes two, and pretty much wait for the playoffs from with turnovers and blown defensive coverages to there. Khabby turns away a fair amount of half- allow Wings through the door. hearted Scum shots. Hockey Sabermetrics CHICAGO Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calcu- lated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/ minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60. NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Colin Fraser 0.83 0.78 6.97 0 0 0 1.62 6.49 -4.87 4.87 Adam Burish -0.4 0.19 8.5 3.02 1.01 2.02 2.53 2.96 -0.44 2.45 Brian Campbell -0.21 -0.2 16.18 3.71 2.65 1.06 2.05 2.6 -0.55 1.61 Andrew Ladd -0.04 -0.25 12.53 2.05 1.37 0.68 2.82 3.06 -0.24 0.93 -0.01 -0.35 12.73 4.04 3.37 0.67 2.09 2.34 -0.25 0.92 Cam Barker -0.01 -0.34 13.08 2.95 2.29 0.66 2.49 2.74 -0.25 0.9 Ben Eager -0.4 0.49 8.98 2.86 2.39 0.48 2.56 2.67 -0.11 0.59 Troy Brouwer -0.06 0.15 10.5 2.45 2.45 0 2.66 2.66 0 0 Duncan Keith 0.16 -0.22 20 2.57 2.57 0 2.65 2.65 0 0 Brent Seabrook 0.15 -0.23 18.74 2.29 2.29 0 2.83 2.83 0 0 Patrick Sharp -0.2 0.06 11.04 3.1 3.1 0 2.47 2.47 0 0 Dustin Byfuglien 0.23 -0.31 14.08 1.83 2.13 -0.3 2.95 2.82 0.13 -0.43 N. Hjalmarsson -0.21 0.17 13.88 2.16 2.47 -0.31 2.8 2.67 0.13 -0.44 Martin Havlat -0.02 0.01 13.82 2.79 3.1 -0.31 2.54 2.41 0.13 -0.44 Kris Versteeg 0.2 -0.41 12.89 1.99 2.33 -0.33 2.84 2.72 0.12 -0.46 Dave Bolland 0.02 0.07 13.22 2.59 3.24 -0.65 2.62 2.37 0.25 -0.9 Matt Walker -0.02 0.02 13.08 1.97 2.95 -0.98 2.86 2.49 0.37 -1.36 Samuel Pahlsson 0.22 -0.16 12.8 1.34 2.68 -1.34 3.08 2.59 0.49 -1.83 Patrick Kane 0.05 0.22 12.57 3.67 5.51 -1.84 2.36 1.31 1.05 -2.88 (playoff stats)

Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This is a measure of a team’s goals-for This measures how many goals a team Shots attempted for a team vs. how many are at- per 60 minutes of player being on the gives up per 60 minutes the player is on tempted against while a given player is on the ice, vs. Taken ice on the power play the ice on the PK. per 60 min. . Player GFON/60 Player GA/60 NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Dustin Byfuglien 16.93 Colin Fraser 0 Jonathan Toews 17.2 Dave Bolland 2.3 1 Brian Campbell 14.78 Kris Versteeg 0 Brian Campbell 15.4 Patrick Sharp 1.6 0.4 Kris Versteeg 13.19 Matt Walker 2.1 Patrick Sharp 11.6 Dustin Byfuglien 1.5 0.9 Patrick Kane 13.11 N. Hjalmarsson 4.28 Troy Brouwer 10.6 Kris Versteeg 1.3 1 Martin Havlat 12.39 Dave Bolland 6.58 Patrick Kane 8.8 Jonathan Toews 1 1.3 Brent Seabrook 12.23 Samuel Pahlsson 7.48 Adam Burish 8.6 Ben Eager 1 2.4 Cam Barker 10.23 Patrick Sharp 9.1 Cam Barker 7.5 Martin Havlat 0.9 0.3 Patrick Sharp 9.64 Brent Seabrook 9.33 Ben Eager 3.3 Brian Campbell 0.8 0 Jonathan Toews 8.56 Duncan Keith 9.36 N. Hjalmarsson 1.5 Andrew Ladd 0.7 1.4 Dave Bolland 7.09 Adam Burish 9.42 Duncan Keith -0.6 Samuel Pahlsson 0.7 0.3 Martin Havlat -0.9 N. Hjalmarsson 0.6 0.6 Dustin Byfuglien -2.4 Adam Burish 0.5 0.5 Andrew Ladd -3.4 Brent Seabrook 0.5 0.7 Samuel Pahlsson -4.4 Patrick Kane 0.4 1.8 Face-offs Brent Seabrook -5.7 Matt Walker 0.3 0 Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Kris Versteeg -7 Colin Fraser 0 0 Jonathan Toews 191 60.2 Matt Walker -8.5 Cam Barker 0 0 Samuel Pahlsson 170 51.2 Dave Bolland -9.7 Troy Brouwer 0 1.2 Dave Bolland 254 46.4 Colin Fraser -17.2 Duncan Keith 0 0.2 Adam Burish 100 39.0 Total Playoff Rank: 48.8 10th Hockey Sabermetrics

SCUM (playoff stats) NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Dan Cleary -0.26 0.99 14.59 5.06 0.63 4.43 2.09 1.57 0.52 3.91 Henrik Zetterberg -0.27 1.14 16.01 4.9 1.44 3.46 2.04 1.22 0.82 2.64 Johan Franzen -0.2 1.28 15.2 5.16 1.82 3.34 1.99 1.06 0.93 2.41 Brian Rafalski -0.61 1 17.13 3.94 0.88 3.07 2.76 1.76 1 2.06 Nicklas Lidstrom -0.14 1.26 18.42 3.51 1.5 2 2.63 1.17 1.46 0.54 Valtteri Filppula 0.13 -0.13 14.33 2.9 0.97 1.93 2.98 1.42 1.55 0.38 Jonathan Ericsson 0.3 0.16 16.9 3.28 1.37 1.91 2.79 1.26 1.54 0.38 Brett Lebda 0.12 -0.71 13.34 2.77 1.04 1.73 3.02 1.39 1.64 0.09 Pavel Datsyuk 0.03 -0.44 14.98 2.16 0.62 1.54 3.3 1.58 1.71 -0.17 M. Samuelsson 0.03 -0.27 12.63 2.19 0.73 1.46 3.21 1.48 1.73 -0.27 Brad Stuart 0.06 -0.5 19.34 2.39 0.95 1.43 3.32 1.51 1.81 -0.38 Marian Hossa 0.09 -0.3 14.2 2.6 1.62 0.97 3.1 1.16 1.94 -0.96 Jiri Hudler 0.05 -0.14 10.78 2.14 1.28 0.86 3.18 1.3 1.88 -1.03 Niklas Kronwall 0.03 -0.3 19.12 2.66 1.69 0.97 3.14 1.05 2.09 -1.13 Tomas Kopecky 0.36 -1.18 8.81 1.7 1.7 0 3.01 1.24 1.77 -1.77 Tomas Holmstrom 0.02 -0.22 11.22 1.23 1.23 0 3.45 1.31 2.14 -2.14 J. Abdelkader 0.07 -1 6.53 1.84 1.84 0 3.47 1.16 2.31 -2.31 Kris Draper 0.26 -0.82 9.23 2.17 2.17 0 4 1.5 2.5 -2.5 Darren Helm 0.09 -0.61 10.13 1.37 1.82 -0.46 3.36 1.16 2.2 -2.66 -0.16 -1.04 6.93 0 2.17 -2.17 2.43 1.21 1.21 -3.38 Kirk Maltby 0.21 -0.9 7.64 0.79 2.36 -1.57 3.1 0.99 2.11 -3.69

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn This measures how many shots are attempted for a Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings team vs. how many are attempted against while a vs. Taken This is a measure of a team’s goals for This measures how many goals a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. per 60 minutes of player being on the team gives up per 60 minutes the ice on the power play. player is on the ice on the PK. NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Player GFON/60 Player GAON/60 Chris Chelios 43.3 Marian Hossa 2.6 0 Brian Rafalski 13.71 Marian Hossa 0 Brett Lebda 27.3 Kirk Maltby 2.4 0.8 Brad Stuart 11.99 Pavel Datsyuk 3.44 Pavel Datsyuk 25.9 Darren Helm 2.3 0.9 Nicklas Lidstrom 11.45 Brad Stuart 5.29 Jiri Hudler 22.3 Kris Draper 2.2 0 Jiri Hudler 11.22 Dan Cleary 7 Tomas Holmstrom 21.8 Chris Chelios 2.2 2.2 Henrik Zetterberg 11.1 N. Lidstrom 11.79 J. Abdelkader 20.2 J. Abdelkader 1.8 0 Johan Franzen 10.81 H. Zetterberg 11.89 Brian Rafalski 19.3 Tomas Holmstrom 1.6 2.1 Tomas Holmstrom 8.78 Niklas Kronwall 13.33 Marian Hossa 17.5 Henrik Zetterberg 1.2 0.6 Pavel Datysuk 8.64 J. Ericsson 18.25 Henrik Zetterberg 17 Pavel Datsyuk 1.2 0 Marian Hossa 8.48 Valtteri Filppula 19.12 Mikael Samuelsson 16.8 Brett Lebda 1 0.3 Niklas Kronwall 8.47 Kirk Maltby 27.66 Niklas Kronwall 13.3 Dan Cleary 0.9 0.6 M. Samuelsson 4.56 Valtteri Filppula 12.6 Brian Rafalski 0.9 0.4 Jonathan Ericsson 12.3 Jiri Hudler 0.9 1.3 Dan Cleary 9.8 Valtteri Filppula 0.6 0.6 Face-offs Nicklas Lidstrom 9.5 Jonathan Ericsson 0.5 1.1 Player Face-Offs Taken FO% Tomas Kopecky 7.7 Niklas Kronwall 0.5 1 Henrik Zetterberg 269 55.0 Johan Franzen 7.3 Mikael Samuelsson 0.4 0.7 Darren Helm 102 52.9 Brad Stuart 3.3 Johan Franzen 0 0.3 Pavel Datsyuk 201 52.7 Darren Helm 2.3 Nicklas Lidstrom 0 0.5 Valtteri Filppula 132 51.5 Kris Draper 0 Brad Stuart 0 0.7 Total Playoff Rank: 2nd 53.8 Kirk Maltby -2.4 Tomas Kopecky 0 0 One Fan’s Thoughts by Rich Lindbloom High Hopes And Happy Ways (Editor’s Note: Rich submitted this before Game 3) to watch. Don’t tell me 20,000 fans in the “Joe” did not start panicking when Capt. Marvel tied it up. The sudden drop of air pressure after the commie dogs won it in “Just what makes that little old ant, think he can move that rubber tree was do to the Wing fans finally breathing again. plant, anyone knows an ant, can’t, move a rubber tree plant.” The game was fiercely contested with both goalies taking an extremely active part in the evenings festivities. Both Habby and Ozzie were like one of those Some of you may know the next line to the classic “High Hopes,” sung by pistachio nuts that are only partially cracked open. The kind of nut where you wonder Frank Sinatra. Hope is about all we have to cling to at the moment; hope and a wing what’s going to give first, the nut or your finger nail. The Hawks transitioned out of and a prayer. If you recall the Hawks opened on the road this year, getting spanked the d-zone much better than game one, giving Detroit a taste of their own foul tasting first by the Rangers, then by the Capitals. My daughter went into a full blown panic medicine. It’s amazing how much easier that is when you’re not standing around. attack. “Dad, are we going to be ok, what’s wrong with us?” The hype leading into the Scoring chances were abundant. season had raised the expectations to not just getting into the playoffs, but to become Kane looked much more aggressive, (he has to be.), although he may want one of the dominant teams in the NHL. I’m not sure I convinced her when I told her to to try to quit stick handling between 4 Wings. As Chris Block noted, sometimes less is chill out, we’d certainly win one before the 82 game season ended. more. Sometimes you just have to let the “chip ins,” fall where they may. As Coach “Are we going to be ok now?”, after Detroit has taken a 2-0 lead in the Babcock noted, “Kane looked like he was having fun out there.” (On a side note, series, is a much tougher question. It’s one that seems to have been answered by the didn’t it always appear Walter Payton was having fun out there). Although it’s a good pragmatic sports writers and doomsayers - we’re pretty much dead as a door nail. barometer of a players two way game, I think the plus/minus statistic in this series has They’ve even thrown the first few shovels of dirt on top of the grave. We’ve all heard been over hyped. The players who were on the ice for a couple of rare miscues by our repeatedly that the Wings are too good to lose four out of their next five games (recall defensive corps didn’t really deserve a minus in my estimation. After winning two that it was said of the Titanic, “Even God could not sink this ship). The statistic that face offs did Toews really deserve a minus? Did Brouwer deserve a minus for hustling a team who takes a 2-0 lead wins 85% of the time is not particularly encouraging. back, coming within inches of the puck before Samuelson closed his eyes and ? However, being the brain dead homer I am, I’m going to go out on a very slim, tenuous Brian Campbell did earn his minus point in game two though. Before go- limb. I predict we’ll choose to focus on that 15% of the time. Think about it a minute; ing any further, I want to make it abundantly clear that I think Soupy has been “Mmm wouldn’t you love to be getting 15% in your bank account. It’s not an insignificant good” in the playoffs, our best d-man by far. My thought on the pass was if he had number. managed to connect with Barks, we would have had a considerable number advantage I realize the vultures are circling and scavengers assembling. In addition, at the net for a redirect or banging home a rebound past “Pistachio.” It appeared three the hockey savants and pessimistic fans claim to know, “For whom the bell tolls.” Yet Wing forwards were putting pressure on the perimeter. From hero to zero in the blink miracles do occur. Duncan Keith was quoted recently noting, “Positive thinking brings of an eye. As Chris Block pointed out, it might have not been Coach Q’s smartest positive results.” Think Miracle on Ice, Think Karate Kid or Aquilla and the Bee. decision to put Brian right back out there after a 45 second shift in OT. My thought is Think Rocky 1-15! If the truth be known, this series actually is a microcosm of Com- Coach Q was going for the jugular, giving us two excellent options on the blue line. munism vs. Truth, Justice, and the American way. Who can deny, with their commie My advice to Brian - listen to a song by Joe Walsh and The Barnstomers called Happy red uniform and tremendous ability, that the Wings more closely resemble those domi- Ways. The last verse has some very sound advice; nant Russian teams lead by Tretiak. “Then something happens, seems to go bad, Cancel the feeling and look towards the On paper, Hope vs. Skill does not seem to be a fair battle. It seems to be sky, No need to worry bout consequences, Give it a giggle instead of a sigh.” in the recesses of our human nature to cling to the pestilences that emerged from Watching the three red commies come barreling down the pipe towards that Pandora’s box, rather than the one positive item - Hope. Pessimism - woe is me, Death last bastion of democracy in our nets, is a scene that somehow we will have - quite sudden as it was Tuesday. Disease - the debilitating injuries hobbling our stars, to erase from our memory banks. You could almost hear the robot from Lost in Fault Finding - also known as the blame game, and Searing Pain - knowing Game Space exclaiming, “Danger, danger, Will Robinson, Aliens approaching!” Two is one that got away, are far easier to embrace than hope. All you naysayers, did In closing, we do appear to be floating in a barrel about 1000 feet from repeated failures to pull a rabbit out of his hat ever stop Bullwinkle J. Moose? Niagra Falls right now. Detroit seems to have stuck a dagger in us in Game 2. I recall Tuesday night’s gut-wrenching defeat left one completely enveloped by in an 11-12 yr old girls softball game a few years back a statement by my assistant a heavy moroseness. Talk about a debilitating loss. I had a very similar feeling to a coach trying to exhort our players on. “We got the dagger in them, now we need to game I saw two years ago where the Hawks completely dominated a game, both shots- twist it!” (I did ask him to run his motivational speeches by me before passing them on and hits-wise, but lost on a last second counter punch. As I drove home with 3 young to the team in the future). The Wings still have some twisting to do. As Elvis Costello kids in the car, I couldn’t take the analyst’s pessimism any longer and stated, “We de- noted, “Don’t bury me cause I’m not dead yet.” served to win that game!”, finally angrily shutting off the radio. Now all 3 kids have a Generally speaking, people smiling while the world crumbles around them different version of my reaction, but we all know how kids exaggerate! The little imps are prime candidates for that little yellow bus. Yet, I’m extremely optimistic about Fri- claim I violently punched the radio button and let out an expletive uncharacteristic of day nights game. If we get the same effort out of our warriors that we did on Tuesday, a Children’s Church leader. From that time on, my son Greg always asks if I’m going well, what more could we ask for? Let the “chip ins” fall where they may. Although to punch the radio if the Hawks lose. If I were in a car on Tuesday night, I probably some of you might not understand, “all systems are go” again this morning. Diehards would have headbutted the radio. It’s kind of like throwing a golf club; it does noth- in sections 321 - 326 we need you tonight, lets hear those battle cries! “Hi yah ah hiyah ing to help the situation. However, as Bernard Darwin noted, sometimes it’s are only hah!” Throughout the season I’ve noticed you’ve lead the charge. Let’s rock that joint defense when we are the “dogged victims of inexorable fate.” on West Madison Street. It’s time to “cancel the feeling” of Game 2’s series of unfortu- In Game 2 we truly fought with a passion and intensity that should have nate events. been rewarded with a “W.” That old blues song, “Everybody wanna win, nobody Do you believe in Miracles! Hey Rocky, want to watch me pull a rabbit out wanna lose,” does have a ring of truth to it. Yet, if I could see 82 games a year played of my hat. Adrian! Adrian! with that speed, excitement and intensity, I wouldn’t complain. It was a great game STANLEY CUP PLAYOFF LEADERS Goals Points GAA SV% Player Team G Player Team P Player Team GAA Player Team SV% 1 S. Crosby PIT 14 1 E. Malkin PIT 28 1 Tim Thomas BOS 1.85 1 Jonas Hiller ANA .943 2 E. Malkin PIT 12 2 S. Crosby PIT 26 2 C. Osgood DET 2.17 2 Tim Thomas BOS .935 3 A. Ovechkin WAS 11 3 A. Ovechkin WAS 21 3 J. Hiller ANA 2.33 3 M. Brodeur NJ .929 4 J. Franzen DET 9 4 J. Franzen DET 18 4 M. Brodeur NJ 2.39 4 C. Osgood DET .920 5 CAR 9 5 R. Getzlaf ANA 18 5 R. Luongo VAN 2.52 5 S. Varlamov WAS .918 7 Patrick Kane CHI 8 9 Martin Havlat CHI 14 9 N. Khabibulin CHI 2.65 8 N. Khabibulin CHI .899 Fifth Feather

The Feather And The Brass [John (J) and Bob (B) from FifthFeather.com enter a United Center conference room where they sit across from Rocky Wirtz (RW), John McDonough (JM) and Dale Tallon BH: Is this the Legends Club? (DT). An ominous figure stands in the shadows.] RW: Oh, Jesus, Bobby. Dale, call the B.H. Crew. JM: Guys, thanks for coming. We’ve been impressed with your work on the blog, FifthFeather.com, and in The Committed Indian. We wanted to bring you guys in BH: Anybody hear the one about why girl goalies aren’t as good as boy goalies? and see what your thoughts were on what we’re planning this summer. And, no one’s giving up on these playoffs or beating Detroit yet; we’re just not sure you’ll be in The B: Who’s the B.H. Crew?!? Committed Indian again before next season. JM: Oh, the Bobby Hull Crew. They’re responsible for making sure Bobby doesn’t B: Well, thanks for having us. It’s our pleasure. And, thanks for the complimentary pass out in public or wear animal print earmuffs again. Winter Classic pouch thongs, Mr. McDonough. I haven’t seen these in stores… [Well-dressed men in sunglasses and earpieces quickly enter room and remove the J: Before we start, can I ask something? How come you guys are always hounding once-golden jet. As he’s dragged from the room, Hull screams, “It’s because girl goal- the people selling The Committed Indians? It’s their First Amendment right to stand ies have a bigger five-hole!”] out there. DT: Anyway, Mr. McDonough, if you don’t mind, I wanted to ask them their thoughts RW: Haha, of course I know that. It’s just a tradition passed down in my family. I on re-upping Marty. put home games on TV for you; the least you can do is allow me to keep harassing them. J: Well, my partner and I kind of disagree on this one. If he’s not going to take a pay cut, I think you have to let him walk. You can’t sign someone with his track record J: Fair enough. to more than four or five years. If you think the fans will be upset with you for losing him to another team, just wait to see what they say when he’s making $7 million next DT: On to business: As you know, we have some guys up for new paper this summer. year and playing in 50 games. You’ll have a full-scale riot in the 300 level. Not to What do you guys think of a five-year, $10 million deal for Matt Walker? mention, in his best season, he got you 77 points. Kane gave you 70 in his second season and people felt like he left a ton of points [John lunges across the table. Bob intercepts his on the ice. outstretched hands before they reach the GM’s neck.] B: Well, for me the question is, do you think Martin Havlat is more valuable than Byfuglien B: John, he’s joking! and Sharp? A healthy and happy Havlat could give you just as much production as those two. DT: Of course I am. Who do I look like, Pully? You sign Havlat; you find suitors for the other Although I promised Q we’d sign Walker and that the two could be roommates on the two, and everything could be hunky dory. road next season, his time has come to move on. J: Now the whole goalie thing: how did that go down last year? J: Sorry, Dale. Well in my opinion, your summer should break down like this: Get Barker, Versteeg and Bolland signed to reasonable contracts – nothing that will cripple JM: That’s on me. I had no idea what I was doing. I got drunk one night last year your cap. If they make it to July 1st without a contract and some team is foolish during the playoffs watching the Capitals and Flyers. I begged Dale to sign Huet – enough to sign them to offer sheets you can’t realistically match, then wave bye-bye. practically held a gun to his head. That will give you more money to re-sign Havlat, but under no circumstances should you sign him to anything over five years. DT: You did hold a gun to my head, you psycho!

RW: Interesting. JM: Oh, it was a ‘Patrick Kane for Rookie of the Year’ squirt gun, Dale. Get over it!

J: It’s also important to get Kane and/or Toews locked up sometime this decade. The J: That’s fine. Goalies are wacky. He had a decent year and Khabby has been no last thing this franchise needs is to re-live the 1998 season all over again. And, you great shakes in the playoffs. As long as Huet gets off to a strong start next year that need to seriously ask yourself, is Dustin Byfuglien here to stay, or can we pull in a should get the fans off your back. He’ll be fine. king’s ransom after half of Canada wants to adopt him after the series he put together against Calgary and Vancouver? [Another person bursts through the conference room door. This time it’s former Black- hawk Michael Handzus (MH), and he’s crying.] B: I agree with my partner, and I think it’s important to hold the course with the defen- semen. With Seabrook and Campbell already signed and Barker due new paper, it’s MH: Oh, Dale! Dale! Please take me back! Please! Chicago looks so fun! The time to take care of Duncan Keith, who did you all a little favor by playing like James Kings are terrible, and I hate L.A.! Wisniewski after four beers and a knee surgery during the playoffs. If Keith is the ace of this defensive staff, perhaps this offseason is a good time to talk extension. Let DT: Michael, you had your chance, and you blew it. Forty points for a second line Walker and Aaron Johnson walk, and then out of Hjalmarsson, Sopel and Hendry, you center doesn’t cut it around here anymore. should have a nice set of six or seven defensemen. RW: Security! Get this Encino man nutjob out of here. Again, I apologize. JM: And, what did you guys think of the marketing campaign this year? J: No problem. B: I thought it was terrific. The Kane and the little kid commercial: outstanding. We all could’ve done without the “W” flags, though. B: Maybe you guys should get a lock for this room…

JM: Yeah, I know, I couldn’t help myself. It’s just too easy. People see anything that J: So … when are you guys going to extend Dale’s contract? has to do with the Cubs and they drool all over themselves while they reach into their wallets. I can’t explain it. [The ominous figure now makes his way to the table. It’s Scotty Bowman. He whis- pers something to Wirtz and McDonough.] [Suddenly, someone bursts through the conference room door. It’s a stumbling Bobby Hull (BH) wearing leopard print earmuffs!] RW: Ok, time’s up. Thanks for coming in. See ya in October. The Making of The

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Samuel Pahlsson (COL 7th round 1996) and Brian Campbell (BUF 6th Logan Stephenson (PHX 2nd round 2004) from round 1997 ANA for James Wisniewski (CHI 5th round Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round 2002) and Petri Kontiola (CHI 7th round 2004) 2001) Matt Walker (STL 3rd round 1998) Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round 2001) 2007-2008 Patrick Kane (1st round) Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from PHI for Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round Jim Vandermeer (FA PHI 2000) 1995) Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001) 2006-2007 Jonathan Toews (1st round) Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round 1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003) Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001) 2005-2006 Niklas Hjalmarsson (4th round) Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) from PHI Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th round 2002) and CHI round 1992) 3rd round pick 2006 2004-2005 Cam Barker (1st round) Dave Bolland (2nd round) Troy Brouwer (7th round) 2003-2004 Brent Seabrook (1st round) Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Jim Van- Dustin Byfuglien (8th round) dermeer (PHI FA 2000) and 2004 2nd round pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th round pick (WIN 4th round 1990) 2002-2003 Duncan Keith (2nd round) Adam Burish (9th round)

COACHES GM HISTORY Head Coach-Joel Quenneville Dale Tallon (2005-Present) Assistant Coach-John Torchetti Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long) Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Making of Scum

YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Marian Hossa (OTT 1st round 1997) Ty Conklin (EDM Undrafted FA 2001) Ville Leino (Undrafted FA) 2007-2008 Brad Stuart (SJ 1st round 1998) from LAK for Darren McCarty (DET 2nd round 2008 2nd round pick and 2009 4th round pick 1992) Brian Rafalski (NJ Undrafted FA 1999) 2005-2006 Justing Abdelkader (2nd Daniel Cleary (CHI 1st round 1997) round) Mikael Samuelsson (SJ 5th round Darren Helm (5th round) 1998) Andreas Lilja (LAK 2nd round 2000) Chris Osgood (DET 3rd round 1995) 2004-2005 Johan Franzen (3rd round) 2002-2003 Jiri Hudler (2nd round) Valtteri Filppula (3rd round) Jonathan Ericsson (9th round) 2000-2001 Niklas Kronwall (1st round) Tomas Kopecky (2nd round) 1999-2000 Henrik Zetterberg (7th round) 1998-1999 Pavel Datsyuk (6th round) Judas (MTL 2nd round 1981) from CHI for Anders Eriksson (DET 1st round 1993), 1999 1st round pick, and 2001 1st round pick 1995-1996 Kirk Maltby (EDM 3rd round 1992) from EDM for Dan McGillis (DET 10th round 1992) 1994-1995 Tomas Holmstrom (10th round) 1993-1994 Kris Draper (WIN 3rd round 1989) from WIN for future considerations

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COACHES GM HISTORY Head Coach- 1996-Present: Ken Holland Asst. Coach- Paul MacLean Asst. Coach- Brad McCrimmon Goaltending Coach- Jim Bedard The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 30-10-8 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 7-2-0 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 30-6-8 Playing on road...... 25-19-5 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 2-4-1 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 3-11-4 Scoring first...... 38-8-6 Taking 30 or more shots...... 38-20-9 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 21-12-4 Opponent scores first...... 17-21-7 Taking less than 30 shots..... 17-9-4 Are even close on face-offs..... 34-17-9 Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 5-2-1 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 22-10-7 Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”.... 45-23-13 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 25-7-7 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 33-19-6 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 23-8-8 during 4-on-4...... 45-23-13 Editor listens to Liz Phair on way to UC and risks being called 1st of a back-to-back...... 6-6-3 Pat Foley screws up a name...... 50-22-12 gay by everyone...... 3-0-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 9-5-2 Ice Crew wear skirts...... 8-1-3 Playing on a Monday...... 4-3-1 Opponent played night before.... 11-5-2 Ice Crew wear pants...... 3-1-0 Playing on a Tuesday...... 7-5-1 Taking more than 5 penalties..... 19-18-5 Ice Crew wear shorts.... 19-8-5 Playing on a Wednesday...... 10-2-4 Taking 5 or less penalties.... 36-11-8 Member of Ice Crew hilariously falls on her shapely ass.... 0-1-0 Playing on a Thursday...... 4-4-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 11-8-7 Leading after 2 periods...... 39-2-4 Playing on a Friday...... 7-4-4 Burish takes a penalty...... 12-8-2 Losing after 2 periods...... 4-21-5 Playing on a Saturday...... 12-5-3 Keith takes a penalty...... 17-7-4 Tied after 2 periods...... 12-6-4 Playing on a Sunday...... 11-6-0 Sharp takes a penalty...... 10-3-2 In overtime...... 9-6 Under Savard..... 1-2-1 Toews takes a penalty..... 12-9-3 In shootout...... 4-7 Under Coach Q..... 54-27-12 Havlat takes a penalty.... 8-4-1 Cam Barker plays...... 47-25-10 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 11-22-4 Sopel takes a penalty...... 3-2-1 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 7-2-3 Outshoot opponent...... 40-18-8 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 7-5-5 Lacking a #2 center...... 38-22-9 Are outshot by opponent.... 14-11-5 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 34-24-10 In 1-goal games..... 16-7-13 Havlat shies from contact...... 16-6-6 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-9-3 In 2-goal games...... 18-11-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 15-9-3 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 8-4-4 In 3-goal games...... 11-7-0 Jonathan Toews scores...... 19-3-7 No fights in 300 Level..... 19-5-4 In 4+ goal games...... 9-3-0 Martin Havlat scores...... 20-5-2 Playing Eastern Conference..... 9-7-3 Scoring 3+ goals..... 50-9-8 Patrick Sharp scores...... 19-5-2 Playing Western Conference..... 46-23-10 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 5-19-5 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 11-3-1 Playing Central Division...... 11-8-8 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Dustin Byfuglien wins a foot-race??!!!!!..... 4-1-0 Playing Northwest Division.... 20-10-1 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 30-10-8 Andrew Ladd scores...... 16-0-1 Playing Pacific Division 15-5-1 PA plays Stranglehold...... 9-3-4 Dave Bolland scores...... 13-2-5 Playing Atlantic Division 2-3-2 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Adam Burish scores...... 6-3-1, and totally ruins that joke Playing NASCAR Division 4-1-0 Fraser fights...... 7-3-1 51 Phantom scores...... 4-3-1 Playing Northeast Division 3-2-1 Burish fights...... 5-2-0 Duncan Keith scores...... 5-3-0 Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Seabrook fights..... 1-0-0 Brent Seabrook scores...... 5-1-2 Playing in November.... 6-3-3 Barker fights...... 0-0-2 VerStud scores.... 15-9-1 Playing in December...... 10-1-1 Buff fights...... 1-1-2 Troy Brouwer scores.... 8-0-0 Playing in January..... 7-6-1 Sharp fights...... 1-0-0 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 38-15-11 Playing in February..... 7-4-1 Eager fights...... 12-4-2 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 17-13-2 Playing in March...... 6-7-2 On Comcast...... 41-16-9 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 25-21-11 Playing in April...... 10-3-1 On NBC...... 1-2-0 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 29-8-2 Playing in May.... 5-2-1 On Vs...... 3-6-1

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