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Ex-Hells Behind Bars Police Cracks Down on Two Elite Members

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ crime in spring 2001. He was hospital two days before he Madeeha Tariq owned an underwater diving said Lavigne. "They were hand an ex-nomad who chose to was to appear in court. Inves- Staff Writer school." However it was the picked to go to war and make

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ retire from the Hell's Angels tigators say he fled to Costa result of fingerprint analysis money, so every nomad be- in July 2000. Chouinard's Rica and underwent plastic that led police to the arrest of hind bars makes Quebec a It was a lucky day for the wife, 40, was also arrested. surgery to personify a new Vallée, who is suspected to safer place". police as two former Hell's She faces the charge of acting identity. have returned in late March. Angels were hunted down as an accessory. As for Vallée and and put behind bars. The sky He even fooled the police Chouinard is a popular Chouinard, they are to appear lit up as the Montreal police A few hours before the ar- (after being in possession of biker whose name has been in court sometime this celebrated the imprisonment rest of Chouinard, police had prohibited forearms) by pre- frequently mentioned in the month. Hell's Angels have of two members of their long gotten ahold of Richard senting police with identifica- case, which involved the been a great threat to the se- sought enemy. Vallée, 45, in downtown tion documents such as a pass- Montreal police officer Guy curity of Quebecers for a very Montreal at a convenience port, a driver’s license and Lepage, who was working long time and catching even André Chouinard, 43, has store after he had escaped credit cards, all under his fic- with the biker gangs. U.S. two of the members is great been charged with gangster- from police custody from a titious identity. Therefore po- documents also name him progress towards eliminating ism, drug smuggling, and no local hospital. He was charged lice withheld his passport but along with Maurice (mom) the threat their group poses. less than 13 accounts of mur- with murder of Lee Cartier released him on a promise to Boucher who are also nomads With the necessary docu- der. He was arrested in Ayers who was an informant in an appear in court. "He really and the elite Hell's Angels. ments now being provided by Cliff, Magog, Quebec, which is automobile explosion that looked like a businessman They are believed to be be- both the United States Intel- approximately 250 kilome- happened in 1993. He was also and we didn't doubt his story" hind the monopolization of ligence and the RCMP, justice ters southeast of Montreal. charged with possession of said commander Cadieux of drug selling on streets. "Once will be served at last. Police have been searching prohibited weapons. Vallée Montreal police. "Everything Hells Angels became nomads for Chouinard since a major had escaped police custody he told police was credible: they were very, very danger- crackdown on organized six years ago from Saint Luc that he lived in Costa Rica and ous men, every single one,"

SARS, Here to Stay? International Health Officials desperate to find cure

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ masks that are supposed to be Canada, although it specified and facing bankruptcy, have Jeffrey Katz fairly effective in helping to Toronto as being the main to deal with the growing prob- Games Page Editor slow down the spread of the

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ threat. lem and cost of SARS. Plans disease. However, since the to raise airport fees above the first case was reported, over Here at home, Canadians In a meeting in Beijing yes- 25$ rate for just normal travel 3, 000 people have been af- have been warned by Health terday, officials claimed that are expected to come into ef- fected and over 300 are re- Canada that if you do not have they were “Slowly taking back fect in the coming months. Al- ported to have died, although to go to Toronto, it would be Hong Kong.” This comes after ready, a ticket that started out the numbers are expected to a good idea not to. More and numerous rumours flying costing 100$ when first rise as other mysterious more people in the affected around the country that bought, can run to almost deaths of seniors are exam- areas can be seen with masks SARS, or Severe Acute Respi- 170% more after airport tax, ined. on their faces to protect them. ratory Syndrome, has gone security fees, fuel fees and all Entrepreneurs in Ottawa and completely out of control. Montreal has even been the rest. People are jut getting Toronto have raised their affected. On the 12th, 450 fed up. It is now quite common- prices from 3$ per mask to people were quarantined at a place to see shoppers in the over 8$ for a plain one, and Scientists around the Holiday Inn in DDO after a Beijing and Hong Kong mar- 12$ for one with a design on world are in conjunction to business meeting with a ketplaces wearing filtered it. Vendors in Ottawa can be thwart SARS. Canada and the Torontonian suspected of be- seen selling the masks on the U.S. are leaders in a global ing infected. They were let street. Health Canada has also program to develop a vac- Highlights: out of quarantine yesterday followed recommendations cine. Hopes are especially up morning after ten days to see made by the World Health Or- when an international col- whether anyone had been in- SUJAC Update ... page 3 ganization (WHO) to restrict laboration of scientists an- fected. to China, and even some Ca- Campus Life ...... page 4 nadian cities. Canada has re- travel and quarantine anyone nounced they had accurately coming from infected coun- identified and completed the Slanderbatch...... page 7 In the U.S., where there plied by saying, “That is ri- are many more cases than in diculous. There is absolutely tries like China. Canadian In- sequencing of the Human ge- Arts ...... page 11 Canada, the Attorney General no risk to Americans or any ternational Airlines, already nome, the next towards find- Entertainment .... page 12 has issued yet another travel others travelling to Canada.” beleaguered by a sharp drop ing cures for a host of Human

Sports ...... page 15 warning, asking all Americans Even Australia is telling its in sales, billions of dollars in diseases worldwide.

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BANDERSNATCH On the Side with Your Editor-in-Chief Andrew Coté John Abbott College P.O. Box 2000 Greetings! Bill Mahon, our Staff Advisor given me experience which I’ll be Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue, QC able to use on a daily basis for the H9X 3L9 Welcome to our final issue of the Jill Gowdey rest of my life. year. Oh, and what a year it has been. After fourteen issues working Keith Henderson As for next year, Amanda Tel: (514) 457-6610 Ext 5389 Hoogland will be taking over as as the editor of your stu- Leonce Fax:(514) 457-6091 Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper; dent paper, I am glad to Boudreau E-Mail: [email protected] say that I’m moving on. im sure she’ll do a good job. I’m Office: H-041

Garyleaving the paper with a qualified ○○○○○

Working for the paper ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ has been by far one of the Tompkins staff who knows what they’re do- Editor-in-Chief best experiences of my ing (at least most of the time) Her Barb Hill Andrew Coté life. Although I can’t say biggest obstacle I can foresee is to I’m graduating quite yet Although finally rid the paper of the people News Editor who don’t really contribute to it, due to a change of pro- I’m not gradu- Nairra Tariq gram, I’ve decided to al- ating, I feel like who just kind of hang around, not ter my life for my final it is time to doing too much. Aside from that, Campus Life Editor semester at Abbott so I move on. Un- some people actually give a damn Open can concentrate a little like the major- and hopefully will stick around more on my studies and ity of the staff next year. Entertainment Editor work for the Student Un- here at Karen Gelsthorpe ion. Since this is my final Bandersnatch, Sports Editor chance to speak to you I’ve been at Thank You all as the editor of John Abbott Naila Jinnah Bandersnatch, I’d like to for way too Arts Editor take the opportunity to thank some long and can finally see the day Christine Nadeau of the following people who have (although it’s still quite distant) helped our organization throughout when I can finally graduate and Assistant Editor-in-Chief this year: move on to bigger and better Wendy Smith things. Working for the paper has Office Manager Christine Nadeau

News Editor's Corner Production Manager with the Notorious Nairra Tariq Sarah Jade Aubé Hello, my fair John Abbott Comrades, ryone else with inferiority and then Now that’s what I call public concern. Advertising Manager for the last time. Oh, come on. It’s an origi- feuds, jealousy and even sometimes, as Open nal opening, isn’t it? we have seen in the past, wars begin to This is our last issue of the semester happen. As the future generation we can and the end of my first semester as News Archive Editor I’d like to begin by talking about Jesus avoid this. So, “MAY THE FORCE BE Editor. I found this to be a most reward- Kathleen Stanhope Awareness Week at the Agora. I was very WITH YOU.” ing experience. I’ve had to learn to meet upset that I couldn’t go and check it out, deadlines like I’ve never done before, French Editor but I really wanted to and I hope Christian In local news, they busted two Hells which has taught me to be more respon- Open Fellowship will have one next year. Al- Angels members. These weren’t just any sible, and so, naturally, I have no regrets. though I didn’t attend, I heard that it was Joe Shmoe guys. We're talking elite I’ve enjoyed being your News Editor and Games Page Editor very informative and that the students at members. André Chouinard and Rich- I hope you’ve enjoyed having me. I’ve Jeffrey Katz C.F. did a great job organizing, and for that ard Vallée were arrested last week. I’m noticed that in the beginning my ed’s note Webmaster I’d say hats off to you guys. I’d also like to not going to summarize Madeeha’s arti- was much more general and I almost

take this opportunity to wish our Christian cle, but I was just wondering, do you never even attempted at any humour (not Sarah Jade Aubé ○○○○○○○○ students at Abbott a Happy Easter and guys think they’ll walk free and be given that you guys even found my attempts ○○○○○○○○○○○○ Happy Passover to the Jewish students as a dinky little sentence, like in the past, humorous. Trust me, I don’t blame you) Bandersnatch is the student-run Al- well. or will justice be served? but as the semester has gone by, I’ve be- ternative Press at John Abbott College. It is published every two weeks and is come use to talking out my thoughts partially funded by the Student Activi- Speaking of the Agora, I’ll let you know We were talking about SARS last openly and addressing you all as my about one of the really cool events coming week and it turns out that Hong Kong ties Commitee and by advertising solic- friends. I wish you all a very safe and fun ited members. Submissions are welcome up. The MSA is scheduled to have an Is- had a major clean up on Saturday. Hong summer. As far as your exams go, work in traditionally either English or lamic Awareness Day and I can guarantee Kong’s health secretary helped scrub hard. There’s only a bit more of this frus- French and become property of the it’s going to be amazing. Any questions you down a vegetable market using bleach newspaper. Submissions must be on an tration and pressure then you’ll see. “Af- IBM compatible diskette along with a have regarding Islam can be answered. Not mops and rags. They’re making an ef- ter hardship comes ease,” and in these only that, but you can explore the Islamic fort to slow down the spread of SARS printed hard copy and MUST be in Text words I have immense faith. So, farewell Format (*.txt) or RichText Format culture whose richness in the past has in- after the death toll has gone up to 81 my John Abbot comrades, I’ll see you (*.RTF). All submissions must include spired great things, such as the Renaissance recently, according to health officials. next semester! the full name and telephone number of in Italy. How? Well, go and find out. They the contributor, as well as the e-mail will also have a professional calligraphist address if applicable. The staff reserves and lots of free food such as samosas, cot- the right to reject or edit any submis- Once upon a time, there was an advertisement here. Unfortunately though, sions for length, legality, or clarity. Let- ton candy, popcorn etc… So here we have due to Bandersnatch’s wonderful *cough* organizational skills, it was lost ters to Bandersnatch should be a maxi- people of different religions inviting you to somewhere on our network’s hard drive. mum of 500 words but may see print discover the worlds in which flourishes their nonetheless if they are longer but faiths. Now there’s really no excuse. It’s up Rest assured though, that the ad was indeed here in the printed version of the worthwhile. Neither spelling nor gram- to you guys to be enlightened. Remember, paper, but is now lost and gone forever. On behalf of the Bander staff, I mar will be corrected on letters to the editors, it is the responsibility of the con- a wise scholar ( I can’t remember the name) apologize for the inconvenience. tributor to correct them. once said “A little bit of knowledge is a dan- gerous thing.” Sometimes what happens is Sincerely, Submissions and letters should be dropped off at the Bandersnatch office, that people get a little bit of knowledge and The Webmaster located in the basement of Herzberg, H- they think they know everything. As a re- 041 (across from the Hallway entrance

sult, their arrogance leads them to treat eve- of the oval).

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Students ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Shehryar Khan erators the United States. Al- The United States claims it is Contributor ready 1.5 million dead, with 500 freeing the people of Iraq, yet

Explore the ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ 000 of that number being when their national library, along women and children. Before the with, more importantly, the Importance of Now that the Iraqi people Gulf War in the early 90’s, Iraq Quranic Library, burns and is have been “liberated” by the was had one of the highest lit- looted, the glorious religion and oxymoron personified, the war- eracy rates among Arab coun- past of this country literally go- Billingualism riors of peace, who have sacked tries, and was also among the ing up in smoke, when journalist their country waving flags of de- leading Arab countries in Medi- Robert Fisk raced to the closest ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ceit and manipulation, the ques- cal technology. Now, they are Georgette Bru ing common issues related US Marines Civil Affairs Bureau, to bilingualism during a one- tion is: now what? How many dwelling in the basement. less then a 5 minute drive away, Contributor ways will the Crusaders, led by ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ hour national closed circuit Anemia is commonly found in begging for help, and when noth- satellite linked television George W. Bush Jr, find to take newborn babies, due to the de- ing is done on behalf of the Iraqi SASKATOON, SK, April 4 broadcast. advantage of the poor, unedu- pleted uranium deposits that people, on behalf of their past, /CNW/ - At a time of in- cated populace? Coalition forces left behind in the on behalf of their religion, when creased international cul- Saskatoon is hosting its Gulf War and now in operation Already, they were the cause these wolves in sheep’s clothing tural tensions, students second annual French for “Enduring Freedom”. of the 12 million Iraqi people let this travesty occur, they let across Canada are coming the Future event. This year’s being in the condition that they their true intentions be known. together to explore the ben- project - at Walter Murray And how the money pours were in. Economic sanctions that These are not liberators helping efits of communicating in Collegiate - focuses on the out of the coffers. The US Gov- prevented Iraq from importing the Iraqi people on their way to both official languages. On benefits of bilingualism ernment recently announced chalk and blackboards, shoes, freedom, they are there to fur- April 8, 2003, French im- within a global context. they awarded 7 billion dollars and needles prevented the popu- ther oppress them. mersion and francophone Workshops focus on how bi- over a two year contract to the lation from not only possessing high school students gath- lingualism affects career Halliburton Co. subsidiary, The latest imposition of “free- basic clothing, but to learn. How ered in 12 cities across choices within journalism, which (surprise!) is Vice-Presi- dom” on the people of Iraq will do you teach children without Canada to discuss the impor- travel and justice. The na- dent Dick Cheney’s former com- undoubtedly succeed, for the chalk and blackboards? Of tance of bilingualism and tional satellite broadcast in- pany. What’s actually surprising simple fact is that the United course, the UN showed their gen- biculturalism as part of the cludes an address from is that someone actually noticed. States is applying a tried and true erosity when they allowed Iraq sixth annual French for the French for the Future Democrat Representative formula. Replace the govern- to import morphine, but then Future conference. founder, His Excellency Henry Waxman of California ment with one that is “demo- John Ralston Saul. doctors still didn’t have the nee- asked for an inquiry on what cratic” or, in other words, no Over 3,000 students par- dles to inject their patients with process the Government was longer the figurative thorn in the French for the Future is ticipated in French for the it. All this with the approval of using to hand out contracts. The US’s side. They did it in Afghani- a non-profit, student- Future in Vancouver, the United States. Half the popu- Iraqi people must live with the stan, and previously in Egypt, driven, educational pro- Whitehorse, Calgary, lation of Iraq is under 18 years of fact that it will be US people Jordan, Palestine and numerous gram. Since its inception in Saskatoon, Winnipeg, To- age, according to CNN (AKA: putting out their oil fires, not others, and will undoubtedly do 1997 with 200 students ronto, Sudbury, Montreal, Access Hollywood). Half the themselves. They must live with it again, as already Syria appears from eight high schools, Fredericton, Charlottetown, population of Iraq, at least, is the fact that the US will be decid- to be the Crusaders' next target. French for the Future has Halifax and St. John’s. The undereducated, impoverished ing their interim government, And the world watches as the grown to include 12 cities day’s highlight found stu- and oppressed, both by their not them. Iraqi people endure their free- across Canada involving dents in these cities discuss- former ruler Hussein and now dom. over 3,000 students. their would be, no, should be lib- SUJAC Update General The 2002-2003 school year The elections for the 2003- by offering food, a place to sleep, ferent parts of the College com- is finally drawing to a close! 2004 SUJAC Executive will be and various programs, such as munity (students, teachers, ad- Election Still, there is a lot happening taking place on Monday, April music and art courses. The ministrators, union representa- around campus and your Stu- 28, at 5:30 in P-119. The nomi- fundraiser is actually coordi- tives) to get together and par- ResultsThe dent Union is as busy as ever nees for the 2003-2004 execu- nated by the Confederation of ticipate in round table discus- working for you. tive are as follows: Vincent Anglophone Cegeps (COAC), sion groups at John Abbott, to Pellerin and Lijan Roberts for which includes CEGEPs develop potential recommenda- 2002- Do you have a teacher who President; Andrew Cote and Champlain St-Lambert, tions for solutions to problems, really inspired you? Or who Radek Kaminski for Vice- Presi- Champlain Lennoxville, brainstorm ideas for projects Liberals just does an exceptional job of dent Internal; Lin Lei, Navya Dawson, Heritage, that should be undertaken, and teaching? SUJAC would like to Mysore, Michael Neszt, and Marianopolis, and Vanier—not develop an understanding of 45.9% help you say “Thank You” to Ting Sun for Vice-President to mention John Abbott, who what kind of issues the College these great teachers. If you Academic; Huma Ali and founded the orgnization! The is facing. Some of the issues to come down to the SUJAC office Harry Williams for Vice-Presi- Student Unions of all these be discussed this year are: hir- Seats 76 in P-101, you can pick up free dent Finance, and Lauren CEGEPs are organizing events ing of new teachers, interna- (aren’t free things wonderful!) McGruthers and Betssy Ponte to raise money for “Le bon Dieu tional programs at Abbott, the P.Q. appreciation cards to address to Corzo for Vice- President Exter- dans la rue”. The fundraising new building, John Abbott’s as many teachers as you like. nal. If you’re interested in find- campaign is about to begin at image in the community, inter- 33.2% These cards, complete with ing out who is running for a po- Abbott, so keep your eyes open. active learning and the use of your thank you messages, will sition on the SUJAC Executive Please be generous and help technology at school, student Seats 45 be sent to the teachers at the and what their plans, goals, make this initiative a success! success, and SUJAC’s role in the end of the semester. This is the and ideas are, you’re more than College. Please stop by the A.D.Q first year ever for the SUJAC welcome to drop by. Finally, the annual Admin- SUJAC office in P-101 if you teacher appreciation cards, so istration-Faculty-Congress have ideas and opinions you 18.2% make sure you check it out! A third big project that (AFC) Conference will be taking would like us to raise at the Con- Seats 4 Keep an eye out for more infor- SUJAC is working on right now place on Friday, April 25, at ference. mation about the thank you is a fundraiser for the “Le bon 3:00 p.m. in The Agora. This cards in the Daily Info or on Dieu dans la rue” charity. This Conference, organized and Have a super summer! Good posters around the school. organization helps Montreal hosted by SUJAC, is an oppor- luck next year in whatever you

teenagers living on the streets tunity for people from all dif- do!

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with temporary editor Andrew Coté

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Contributor Their style is Electronic to this band. Without him, I ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ music. They were funny, able Rock. They had an interesting to crack a few good jokes at don’t think they would be On Thursday April 10th, sound. They were fun. The each other. I would definitely much. April 24th - CALL IA John Abbott hosted its annual keyboard go and see a show 5. HHRU - Show ‘Battle of the Bands" competi- was retro of theirs. It seems tion organized by CSKY and 80’s and fitting that the 1 Guitarist, 1 Bassist. They April29th -Islamic Aware- Student Activities. To enter, added a band who said were very soft and relaxing. ness Day local bands competed in a unique feel they sucked A nice contrast compared to May 1st - Dental Hygiene preliminary round. The win- to their mu- ended up winning the evenings loud music. Class Presentations ner of this year’s ‘Battle of the sic. The band the grand prize; They need work but were gen- Bands’ was Wax Blender, who consisted of they seemed re- erally not that bad. were awarded a prize of $150. a homeless ally comfortable Second place winners, Jesus, a guy on stage. 6. Tainted Youth - May 5th - 9th - Fine Arts Tainted Youth, won $75. Displays from Florida, They classified themselves Here’s a brief review of each 4. Special Ed - a grown up as Suburban High Voltage. band that performed: Harry-Pot- As one audi- They were fast, crazy, and ter-gone- 1. Skema - ence member upbeat but a bit too loud. The May 12th - Nursing Dis- bad and, stated, their mu- Mosh pit was huge. In their 20 plays Scream Metal. The singer well, Husain. sic was “redun- minutes on stage they must had great vocals even though . dant”. Did we lis- have played at least 10 songs. he was screaming the whole 3. Wax Blender – ten to one track or four? The Great stage presence but too May 13th - Study Lounge time. They had awesome singer was indecipherable. I wild. They were the runners- instrumentals. They had Their style was Punk / Ska. don’t understand how a band up. pretty decent stage presence. MUSIC TO MOSH TO! They who’s been working on their May 15th - Springfest! had the place rocking. The sound for the past X months Sarah's Gift of Life Ten Cities, a

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ hance or even save their lives. you let your loved ones know of Thousand Smiles

Hilary Dotto People die everyday waiting for your wishes so that they can be ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

Contributor a transplant. According to cur- comfortable giving their con- Naila Jinnah can register and raise ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ rent research, all but two reli- sent, if necessary. Half of the Sports Editor sponsorships online at My best friend, who was also gions support organ and tissue families who are approached ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ www.worldpartnershipwalk.com, donation as a humanitarian act, refuse consent for donation as or just help out on Walk day. my cousin, was killed two years The World Partnership with the exception of Gypsies most are not aware of the donor’s ago in a car accident. Although Walk is an annual event held On Walk day, each city will and Shinto. Contrary to popular wishes. At the same time, you everything was done to try to across Canada to build aware- feature displays about devel- belief, Jehovah’s Witnesses be- should make yourself aware of save her life, it was not possible. ness and raise funds in the fight opment initiatives in Asia and lieve in organ donation with their wishes in case you ever Sixteen-year-old Sarah was against global poverty. This Africa that are changing the some special preparations dur- have to make a decision for brain dead. After a person is de- popular outing is a collabora- lives of individuals and im- ing the procedure. someone else. clared brain dead, a doctor ap- tive effort of Canadians from all proving communities. It also proaches the family to discuss If you decide that you would It is never easy when a loved walks of life helping to improve has a Schools Program that the possibility of organ donation. like to save lives by signing a do- one dies. I miss Sarah every day. the lives of the world’s poor enables students to donate When they approached Sarah’s nor card, there are 2 really im- But it does make me feel better and disadvantaged. Since its their time and effort while mom, my aunt, she immediately portant things that you should to know that her death, although beginning in 1985, the Walk has learning about different com- said yes. When Sarah was 14 know. an ending for us, was a beginning raised more than $20 million, munities and cultures. The years old, she, her mother and for others. I am very proud of with every cent going to far- Foundation finds smart solu- her sister all decided to sign their Everything will be done to Sarah for making the choice to reaching development tions to pressing problems in donor cards together. Because save your life before transplant sign her card at such a young projects in Asia and Africa. the areas of health, education, of this discussion, Sarah’s family is considered. Medical person- age. Signing an organ donor card Funds raised through the rural development and the en- knew that she wanted to donate nel always do everything possi- is a heroic thing to do. While you World Partnership Walk are hancement of community- her organs and save other lives. ble to save the life of a patient. won’t be around to see what a matched by the Canadian gov- based organizations in the Because of Sarah’s gift a baby and Organ donation is not consid- difference you have made, your ernment through the Canadian poorest countries of Asia and a teenage boy can now see, and a ered until two impartial doctors gift could save someone’s life. International Development Africa. young father has a new heart. In who are not involved with the Agency (CIDA), multiplying Get your school or commu- all, Sarah enhanced or saved the transplant program have de- If you would like a donor this unique contribution to nity group involved today. lives of at least 6 people. clared brain death. card, have any questions, or help relieve human suffering. want more information on organ There will be an upcoming Organ donation is something Your family can over rule donation, you can e-mail me at : The event features a scenic presentation on the Montreal that touches us all. Nearly your decision to be a donor even and easy walk as well as festivi- World Partnership Walk in the 3,700 Canadians are waiting for if you have signed your donor [email protected] ties that include music and Agora; be sure to attend!

organ transplants that could en- card. It is really important that food! This year, participants

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Travel Possibilities in Germany ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Alan Weiss never notice. On the portal yards and rich history. one can see the replica of who organizes students from German Student Rep. of the St. Peter’s Cathedral, Annweiler - believe it or not the crown jewels. There the this area to John Abbott Col-

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ built originally in 1034, - used to be much more pow- English king, Richard the lege, together with local sup- there was the figure of a erful than Berlin in the Mid- Lion-hearted, was purport- porters, fought for the need blind-folded woman. This dle Ages, especially the 12th edly held for ransom during of historical veracity, even In the second of a series was not a symbol of justice. and 13th centuries, since the the Crusades of the twelfth if it had a negative effect on of articles on travel possi- Rather, it stood for “die German Empire, which then century. In the Nazi period tourism. Now the true story bilities for those families (feminine) this castle of the castle is shown, in- who take German students Synagogue” or a complex cluding its history during the into their home, I would like symbolic rep- was altered Nazi period. to talk about Rheinland resentation of not to origi- Pfalz. Rheinland Pfalz lies in the refusal of nal plans This area is of particular the southwestern part of Jews to accept but accord- interest to students who Germany near Alsace in the Godhood of ing to mod- study French or are inter- France. Several of the stu- Jesus. This was els of cas- ested in French culture, dents who have come to the first time I tles of since it is practically “walk- John Abbott College are became aware Friedrich II ing distance” from France. from the Trifels Gymnasium that in Europe, in Italy, International visitors usu- in Annweiler and gymnasi- anti-Semitic making it ally spend a weekend in ums from nearby Landau. propaganda was more usable Paris/France while they are We have also had many stu- embedded into for Nazi there. dents from Worms, also the very fabric ceremonies. If you are interested in called “Little Jerusalem.” It of some of their These cer- is the home of a historical finding out more about out medieval emonies in home stay program, please synagogue, a mikwe or ritual churches. In fact never bath, and one of the oldest contact Therese Robert at 1521 Worms took place 457 – 6610, ext. 5469 or Jewish cemeteries in Eu- was also the site of the impe- included Italy and large since the reconstruction rope. I was taken on tour by visit her from Tuesday to rial Diet of Worms where parts of France, was ruled wasn’t completed by the Thursday in Hochelaga 238. Dr. Josef Mattes, the Direc- Martin Luther was declared from there. Trifels Gymna- end of the war. Neverthe- tor of the Rudi-Stephan- an outlaw after refusing to sium, for example, takes its less, after the war, the town Think about it. Accepting Gymnasium Worms, where recant his religious beliefs. name, Trifels, from the was embarrassed by these an international student into not only is Latin taught but nearby castle fortress on top facts and wanted to hide its your home is a decision that Ancient Greek and Hebrew as Also known as the South- of a mountain that can be recent history, but the will broaden your horizons well. He showed me some- ern Palatinate, this area is glimpsed from the Gymna- teacher, Helmut Schlieger, and enrich your College ex-

thing a normal tourist would famous for its forests, vine- sium. At the Trifels castle perience.

○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ april 23rd, 2003 5

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Shades of Islam ○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Imam Al Ghazali systematically re- operate on a person's eye in order to re- invasion of Iraq in which coalition forces Awais Ahmad futed much of what the Aristotelian phi- move a cataract and treat various other under the banner of “freedom” left ruins

Contributor losophers believed in terms of physics in illnesses. of palaces, homes, even setting ablaze the ○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ his celebrated book “the Incoherence of Iraqi National Library along with count- This environment conducive towards the Philosophers”. He categorically de- less other libraries full of Qur’anic manu- The first word revealed of the Qur’an learning dominated by the command of nied the ability of the human intellect to scripts. was “Iqra” READ! Seek knowledge! Edu- arrive at a sound metaphysic - in other the Qur’an and the Prophet Muhammad cate yourselves! Be educated. This verse words what is beyond the physical world. (peace be upon him) would come to an History seems to be repeating it- was not taken lightly by the great Muslim He believed, as do Muslims today that abrupt end in 1258 AD. In this tragic year, self as one great historian put it, but some- civilizations, especially that of the within certain limits the human mind the Mongol hordes led by Genghis Khan’s thing the Americans forget is that at the Abbassids. In fact, it was the catalyst to- could discover things about the natural grandson, Hulagu, conquered the empire end the victory will be for the believers wards the cerebral outburst of that great world, but concerning the spiritual or that stood for five centuries. who fight valiantly against this occupa- Muslim empire. tion. After all, nearly a decade after the other world it would only be at the end On the holocaust of Baghdad the Mon- Mongols sacked Baghdad all of them be- From the eighth to the thirteenth cen- mere conjecture; as Allah (God) tells man- gol invader Hulagu said: came Muslims, almost as if the conquer- tury, Muslim civilization was flourishing kind in the Qur’an “They only follow con- ors became the conquered. Who under the Abbassid Caliphate. The heart jecture.” “The city was systematically looted, knows...perhaps America with her coali- and capital of the empire, Baghdad, was destroyed and burnt. Eight hundred thou- As a matter of fact many of the sci- tion forces will face this end. After all it an arena of intellectual fervour as Jewish, sand persons are said to have been killed. ences in the West today are based on con- almost seems to be the Universal law that Christian, Muslim and even Pagan schol- The Khalif Mustasim was sewn up in a sack jecture watered down to the masses as every empire in existence will one day ars came to the house of wisdom, estab- and trampled to death under the feet of facts. fall and thus the collapse of America as a lished by Caliph Harun Al Rashid’s son Mongol horses. superpower is inevitable. which served as an all in one museum, Further achievements made under “For five hundred years, Baghdad had library, institute of advanced study and the Abbassid Caliphate were the calcula- been a city of palaces, mosques, libraries If you would like to learn more about even a translation office. Books collected tion of the size of the earth, the invention and colleges. Its universities and hospi- Islamic civilization, Women In Islam, Is- on topics such as optics, philosophy, as- of the telescope, Abul Hasan and the es- tals were the most up-to-date in the world. lamic Art, and other subjects don’t hesi- tronomy, medicine, mechanics and me- tablishment of the first observatory at Nothing now remained but heaps of rub- tate to stop by the first ever Islamic Aware- teorology were translated into Arabic Shamassa on the plains of Tadmur. Two ble and a stench of decaying human ness Day in the Agora on Tuesday April from Greek, Persian, Hebrew, Syriac and of the greatest exploits worth mentioning flesh.” 29. Free cotton candy, free popcorn, free a multitude of other languages. Famous were the scientific method of hypothesiz- samosas, free Henna (hand painting for scholars emerged during this period the ing introduced by Muslim scientists and The massacring of the indigenous women), free audio-tapes and most of all likeness of Ibn Sina, Al-Razi, Al- which provides the modern day basis for population of Baghdad, the destruction free knowledge will be available. You can Khawarizmi and the great intellectual the scientific analysis of observable and of libraries with all the knowledge con- even get your name written in Arabic and Muslim scholar of law and philosophy, non observable phenomena in the Uni- tained within them and the levelling of the listen to a live speech about Islam! Come Imam Al Ghazali, or al-Gazel as he is known verse and the creation of a hospital in cultural and symbolic landmarks of this stop by and be prepared for an entertain-

in the West. which Muslim physicians were able to civilization areanalogous to the current ing, educational, fun day!

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Volume XXXII Slanderous since 1971 Issue II

John Abbott Students in Danger: F.E.S.

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ area left untouched by the between 18 and 23. Those who suspension of your social life seems of speaking to a teacher Bob Menzies disease. It runs rampant are most susceptible to the until the danger has passed outside of class time, asking

Graduating! throughout North America illness are those with a previ- (around mid-May). one (or several) for help ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ and Europe, especially in ous history of short attention seems to be the remedy with Well, it seems that these metropolitan areas, and If you feel the highest rate of success. are frightening times for all of seems to run on an annual you may have Cases of F.E.S. are never fa- us concerned about our cycle; symptoms can be seen been infected tal, but can be very unpleas- health. But it seems that the as early as late March, and with F.E.S, re- ant for those with the sick- recent cases of SARS in To- develop fully near the end of main calm. Do ness, as well as those around ronto are not the only health April. Some less common not distance them. hazards being posed to young cases can arise in December, yourself from Three of the five stu- Canadian students; last Fri- but on a much smaller scale, your friends dents hospitalized for the dis- day, the fifth student from in both severity and quantity. and family, as it ease have been released with John Abbott College has been Symptoms can include stress, is not conta- orders to seek academic help, hospitalized with a severe insomnia, and a sudden and gious. Doctors and the two remaining are case of F.E.S. - Final Exam uncontrollable nocturnal have has little expected to return home Syndrome. craving for caffeine and sugar. success treat- within the week. We here at Those infected also become ing the illness F.E.S. is not known to in the past; Bandersnatch wish them all of withdrawn and cranky. spans and procrastination. If exist outside of post-second- however, there have been re- the luck in the world on their you think you may be at risk ary educational institutions, It strikes males and fe- ported cases of students re- road to recovery and hope of developing F.E.S, the best but discounting that restric- males equally, and the aver- ceiving help from a teacher. they do well on their exams. preventive measures are tion, there seems to be no age age of a victim of F.E.S. is As unnatural as the prospect plenty of rest and a complete

President Bush Dead, Pretzels Involved?

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ to gang up along with The President’s bro- Upon seeing him Presi- this wish may be a little Nairra Tariq around 41 of his other bud- ken heart soon become his dent Bush choked on his hard to fulfil but Dick Master of the News

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ dies who like to call them- second worry as his tragic pretzel and began to gasp Cheney has promised to do selves “The Big Bad Coali- love story was interrupted for air and wave around his his best. Here comes the The President of the tion”, and go after what he by the appearance of hands for help, Lewinsky “sad” end of a man who so United States of America felt was rightly his. Mrs. former U.S. President, Bill then ran to grab a glass of “nobly” tried to eliminate was pronounced dead yes- Hussein and water but tripped over the the axis of evil and in the terday at the Lewinsky her oil wells. coffee table and landed flat end met his death by a pret- mansion. President Bush’s The latter on her face. Clinton saw zel. lifeless body lay gripping has been this as the perfect opportu- his most precious attach- gained al- nity to run for it but was ment to the world, his pret- though the met with Hilary and First zel. former will Lady, Mrs. Bush at the be a little door. The President was visit- harder to ing his secret sweetheart, achieve. What were they doing Monica Lewinsky, when at Bush was there? Well as it just so hap- 8:00 PM their tête-à-tête busy com- pens to be that the First La- was disrupted by former plaining to dies Association Against President Bill Clinton. “The Monica Gigolo Husbands has laid poor man was in tears over about Mrs. out a network of spies to this war on Iraq” said Hussein’s re- prevent the inevitable, Lewinsky “He felt awful fusal to be a stop presidents from hav- about losing his Former Yankee’s ing affairs. Mrs. Bush and High School crush, Mrs. wife. She Hilary received a call and Saddam Hussein”. Monica said, “I’d were just in time. Hilary told the press that Bush in- rather be a clobbered Clinton with her tended to marry Mrs. Dictator’s shoe while Mrs. Bush ran Hussein and claim the oil widow than around trying to figure out wells she would bring in marry a cow whether she should throw her dowry, unfortunately boy like her shoe at Georgie Porgie for him, American citizen- you”. This left just one Clinton. What he was doing or Monica. Meanwhile, ship and a big white house more thing to do for poor there has not yet been de- amidst all this clamour our were not enough to win her Georgie Porgie, fall in the termined since all he would “poor” President Bush heart. Thus, he was left to arms of his American mis- say in his testimony was, “I choked. claim them by making her tress who provided him did not have sexual rela- a widow. His last words were re-

with his favourite kind of tions with that woman, ported to have been,

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SLANDERBATCH McDonald's buys Vatican John Abbott College

P.O. Box 2000 ○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ the parishioners notice the differ- With the purchase of every Big Mac Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue, QC Thalia Harwood-Farkas ence they will appreciate the you will be allowed to enter your H9X 3L9

Someone ○○○○○○○○

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ change from Styrofoam wafers and theory of why the Golden Arches watered down wine. It will also in- symbolize the miracle of Christ. Tel: (514) 457-6610 Ext 5389 crease attendance at mass since The winner will be announced on Fax:(514) 457-6091 The religious world got even the homeless will now have an in- Easter Sunday and awarded with a E-Mail: email?

more commercial this week, as the clination to show up, if only for the “Get Out of Hell Free” card, the Office: BH-232 ○○○○○

Vatican was part of the largest re- free food. three runner-ups will receive ten ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ligious-commercial merger in his- years off from Purgatory and the Hooray! tory. It wasn’t enough that Christ- This is only one of the few twenty semi-finalists will receive a Andrew Coté mas has long lost what- changes that blessed Jeep Cherokee. ever holiness it had left, McDonald’s Those who oppose this merger Kung Fu Ninja now the Catholic faith as plans to im- and complain will unfortunately be Nairra Tariq we know it is going down plement. Others in- handled violently (as this is God’s the crapper. When asked Stuff Going On ... Whatever will and no one is to question it) to make a comment Pope volve getting and be thrown into the fiery pits of Open John Paul the Second rid of the Hell for all eternity. Ironically, muttered something in crucifix as Drowned in CD's once they arrive in Hell they will Latin that sounded the accepted Karen Gelsthorpe be assigned to work in McDonald’s vaguely like he needed a holy symbol newly relocated complaint depart- new gold Jacuzzi. of the Sports Editor Church. In- ment. Naila Jinnah McDonald’s insists stead, the It is odd to see the world’s larg- that there will be no sig- Golden The Unstressed est icon of consumerism and the nificant changes in the Arches will Christine Nadeau Catholic faith join together in eco- ancient tradition of the Catholic soon be the accepted emblem of nomics and theology but it was faith, only improvements. For ex- Christ’s sacrifice for us. Although Absent bound to happen at one point or ample, the hosts, or body of Christ they haven’t quite figured out how Wendy Smith another. We can only hope that the if you will, served during commun- to explain the new imagery they as- Virgin Mary, mother of Christ, will The Mop Fetished ion will now be replaced with sure the public that their explana- not be replaced by Grimace in a Christine Nadeau chicken McNuggets served with tion will be very tasteful and ap- blue dress. But with McDonald’s barbecue sauce instead of wine. propriate. In fact a survey will be pretty much now in control of Lucky Spencer The spokesman said that held at every participating God’s message to man I wouldn’t Sarah Jade Aubé McDonald’s believes that even if McDonald’s starting next week. count on it. Some Job Open

Obituaries: Bander Suffers Master of the Cabinet Bob Menzies Alita Tralene Kathleen Stanhope ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Wendy Smith ○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Francais Esti! Open Tragedy has struck Sex columnist Alita Tralene was Sometimes the laws of nature just don’t seam to apply. Yesterday was Bandersnatch as one of our most pro- found dead in her boyfriend’s bed this Yatta! Master morning. It appears as though she died of one of these tragic times. The ductive writers and most prolific copy Jeffrey Katz editors has been struck down in his a heart attack following a night of what Bandersnatch is once again grieving prime. Former Advertising manager her boyfriend describes as the most in- the loss of one of our beloved staff. Master of the Web and sports editor Robert Menzies was tense sex of his life. Sadly Wendy Smith is no longer among Sarah Jade Aubé

us. As the story goes Wendy and one ○○○○○○○○

walking home late last night after leav- ○○○○○○○○○○○○

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ According to “the boyfriend,” the ing a friends house when poor, dear of her closest friends, so grief stricken night began at 6 PM, after a romantic din- Bandersnatch is the student-run Al- Bob, as we liked to call him, was hit we will not use her name, were walk- ner-date in front of the TV. After a desert ternative Press at John Abbott College. over the head with a CD. Police found ing home after a long night of It is published every two weeks and is of whipped cream and cherries, they him this morning after his parents Bandersnatch production, when a partially funded by the Student Activi- headed off to the bedroom, leaving the called him in missing. The CD found creature that appeared to be a large ties Commitee and by advertising solic- door wide open in their frenzy. The down- ited members. Submissions are welcome embedded in his skull was one of the scaly bird landed on the road in front stairs tenants can confirm hearing moans in traditionally either English or albums he had torn apart in his on- of them. So dazed by the wax fumes and squeaking springs all night long. In French and become property of the going column and reviews, we believe she approached the creature assum- newspaper. Submissions must be on an fact her neighbours were forced to hit the that either a disgruntled band mem- ing it was just another hallucination, IBM compatible diskette along with a roof with their broom out of a need for ber or their record label had him when it grabbed her and flew off. We printed hard copy and MUST be in Text peace and quiet followed later with a Format (*.txt) or RichText Format killed as they sensed the same sarcas- can only guess at what happened next, phone call to the police. (*.RTF). All submissions must include tic wit and prone to hatred attitude as but her skeleton was found early this the full name and telephone number of Bob’s secret idle John Moore. Wit- A few hours later the police exited morning broken and filled with teeth the contributor, as well as the e-mail ness’s say that in his last breath Bob her apartment, grinning from ear to ear, marks. address if applicable. The staff reserves the right to reject or edit any submis-

proceeded to tear down the CD that ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ but the noise persisted. Driven almost We remember Wendy this issue by sions for length, legality, or clarity. Let- would become his killer. “ Not even mad by the noise her neighbour went up- insuring that this issue of the ters to Bandersnatch should be a maxi- good for Bludgeoning people, an alto- stairs and his wife claims he was gone for Bandersnatch features no typos in the mum of 500 words but may see print gether failed attempt” he is rumored hours and came back more than ready headlines as we can all still here her nonetheless if they are longer but to have said. for a long sleep. worthwhile. Neither spelling nor gram- voice upon the discovery of the mar will be corrected on letters to the As for us at Bandersnatch we’re We here at Bandersnatch can only “Fruads” and “ Civil Right’s” fiascos. editors, it is the responsibility of the con- left only with questions and grief. We guess how many men and how much sex Wendy can finally rest in peace as her tributor to correct them. wonder in our hearts what will become it would take to kill Alita Tralene. She will long run as Assistant-Editor-in-chief Submissions and letters should be of our paper now that our only copy be greatly missed but at least we can con- is over. In other News, Bandersnatch dropped off at the Bandersnatch office, editor has died, will we be forced to sole ourselves with the knowledge that she is searching for a new Assistant- Edi- located in the basement of Herzberg, H- run error riddle issues or will we find tor –in –chief… 041 (across from the Hallway entrance died doing what she loved best in life. of the oval).

another to replace him?

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ 2 slanderbatch ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ slanderbatch ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Food For Thought Horror-ScopesHorror-Scopes

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Aries-Your impulsive you, next time avoid shark- bered, Albert! - has dis- right to be overstuffed and Jacques Strrap nature may cause you infested waters. closed this secret to our in- constipated. Who would

Contributor problems; I’d watch out for ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ vestigative journalist: “It want to give such a beauti- Spontaneous Combustion; Libra- Sometimes you is not what we find, but Food. We love it and we ful gift away? Certainly not I see it in your stars. wish that not only Justice what we choose to disclose hate it. But what is it’s pur- the ones of us who are is blind. that will decide the fate of pose? Why was food cre- sane. By now, you should Leo- Don’t travel out- food in the next genera- Capricorn- Wonder ated? Some people say it’s have noticed the recent side of Canada, the animal tion’s life.” why you’re not making any so humans and other living headlines in the food sec- that bears the name of your friends? People don’t like it beings can survive. I think tion? It's all about dying sign wants his name when you chew on their not. We’ve heard of people horrible and painful deaths back…and he’s hungry clothes. going for weeks without in- from choking. Kids, adults, the elderly... no one is safe. Gemini- gesting a single grain. So Your evil twin is Pisces- that can’t be the ultimate So that leaves us with coming to get What's that goal of food. one last resort. The main you… if you are rotten smell coming from Some have suggested purpose of food is to make the evil twin the closet? using it as a boredom man- our sex lives so much more watch out for Fix that! agement techinque. Appar- enjoyable. Whipped cream buses… and cherries are already on ently, we should eat not Cancer- Scorpio- when we’re in need (‘cause the Top 10 list of most Walls won’t bought articles (as dis- Ironically lets face it, we’re always enough I see bend…your hungry!) but when we have closed in this issue of skull And what's the deal with SARS in your nothing better to do. Or “Martha Stewart Living”). does…the ex- food related diseases? stars, all that fuss about the even when we do have It preceeds banana, a close pression hard-headed only Anorexia, bulimia... or name of your sign was a something better to do. I third and ice cubes, a stun- means stubborn over-eating. Now that's the waste of time. mean, who ever heard of ning fourth place. All this ultimate insult to food. It giving up chips in order to talk, not enough doing. Taurus- It’s your fif- Sagittarius- Watch doesn't matter how much study? However, scientists Alas, I must depart to re- teen minutes of fame, too where you’re going…red you eat, as long as you have discovered that this is gain my quarters and re- bad it’s an open coffin fu- lights mean stop burn it off with lots of ex- a myth. A very helpful un- joice in a wonderful meal neral. ercise. And not eating is Virgo- You will die a derground scientist who with lots of cream. worse. That means you are Aquarius- That water terrible, terrible death has elected to remain renouncing your basic Wish me luck! thing finally gets the best of anonymous - we remem- Expos finds new owner: Gov't Classes are ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ is over. The biggest change there will be enough seat- The final and biggest Ryan Bruyere will be the name. The Gov- ing, a representative said: change will be the casual useless: Purple, flying, monkey eater

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ernment du Quebec has “Heck, we will laugh if we changeover of the loveable spent over 1.3 billion dol- actually fill the parking lot “Youpie” to a Maurice Faculty

lars and 100,000 man of the McDonald’s next Duplessis bobblehead figu- ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Well it finally happened. hours coming up with the door”. McDonald’s has rine. Entertainment pro- Joe Schmoe The Expos have been sold! new appellation: vided by the mascot will Slanderbatch Staff Writer This caused both shock “The/Les Fleurs no longer include wicked ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ of Lys”. This slides over the dugout, and province wide com- In a study obtained by name was cho- but rather, speeches ments such as “What the Slanderbatch produced by sen to please about the importance of crack are they on!!” as the Jean Abbotte Faculty As- both going to church and work- Quebecois woke up to find sociation, classes taught at Anglophone, ing in farms. a small article published this institution have an edu- Francophone only in the Gazette (last cational value of zero. Shock- and Québecois Tickets for next season page under the car ad). ing remarks in this survey in- citizens, but go on sale on December Though many are unsure dicate: "...students shouldn't some people are 1rst. The government fig- what is to happen to the Ex- even bother coming to our unsure if it will ures that they might as pos, we have insider infor- classes. As teachers here, we meet with well take a “longueur mation. just couldn't give a damn French laws un- d’avance” since they about them." Our sources inform us less the have won’t sell anything any- way. The fact that the that the Gouvernment du French letters Methods used by teachers schedule only comes out Québec bought the Mon- twice the size of to avoid educating students in February doesn’t seem treal Expos for the high the English ones. and enhance their Jean to be important, neither price of 1 US dollar, this Other suggested Abbotte experience have does the promise previous being nearly the double of names were “Les Boys” and kindly agreed to supply been the development of stu- owners had made to play the asking price of the ex- “The National”. overpriced and low quality dent-hated programs such as half the home games in owners. It was a high price food, flat drinks and barf Bl@ckboard, and new policies More major changes Puerto Rico once again. and high-risk deal, but the bags to every entering which prohibits teachers have been planned by the government will simply spectator, while the SAQ from taking attendance. Un- new owners. The/Les The official press con- raise taxes to compensate. will give out random drinks fortunately, we cannot di- Fleurs of Lys will no longer ference is scheduled for to- in the hope of getting them vulge the rest of the contents BE WARNED! The fa- play at the Big ‘O’ but will morrow at 1:01 AM. “hooked while they’re of the survey under penalty mous Expos shall see some salvage their old home: le young.” of going to class... ugh

changes before the season Parc Jarry. When asked if

○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ april 23rd, 2003 3 NOT-SO-GUEST SPEAKER: Come see the latest addition to the JAC staff. Dr. Phil will predict your final grade after only 2 mins of class. Good Luck! COUNSELLING ARE YOU CRAZY? If so, make an appointment.

WONDERING ABOUT CAREERS? We can't help. We're wondering too.

JOHN ABBOTT COLLEGE Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003 STUDENT ACTIVITIES OBITUARY: We mourn the loss of Bill Mahon. He was "I'm too sexy for my gun" shot last week by a Police Tech Student while attempting to steal their hidden doughnut stash. Elmer Fudd SINTANNCE OV TEH DAI: “Huuked ohn fonix wurked foor me.” SUJAC/CLUBS Drop by the English Help Centre for definition GAMERS: Looking for new members next semester, espe- cially women, as we are lacking female members to game ON CAMPUS with. Please, love us!

Agora Happening This Week SCHOLARSHIP INFORMATION Wednesday - To Celebrate Earth Day: Tip a Cow. Or toss a cat. APPLY FOR THE JOHNSON MEMORIAL SCHOLAR- Semi-final cat-tossing competition SHIP: If you can bite your own ear, check out Concordia's offer. Thursday - We couldn't afford the balloons, so forget the ex- cuses. We will be sniffing helium between 12h30 and 14h30. HEALTH&WELLNESS CENTRE Wednesday - A play with song and dance starring the Munch CAN'T SLEEP? Try the new Anti-Coffee Drug. ACD will Box Ladies. knock you out for days. And you can get a medical note for missing class! Thursday - Bill Mahon will be around, KEEP AWAY!

Friday - Double Bill: "Glitter" and "Crossroads". Vomit bags available at the door. JACACADEMICS LAST SEMESTER WAS THE WORST ever for Drop- MESSAGE FROM THE JAC ENVIRONMENT STAFF: Outs and failiures. Join us in striving for the best as we Please stop tasting the Wildlife. seek to beat the record once more next semester.

NOW ON OMNIVOX: You can now check out your grades, school fees, your cancelled classes, horoscope, LOST & FOUND body far percentage, and the name of your first born child. LOST: Condom FOUND: Baby DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME? ARE YOU LOST: Looking for Poland. Will Supply Globe. FLUFFY OR FURRY? Register to be a cat in today's cat- LOST: A $20 Dollar Bill. Sentimental Value. Will give a tossing competition in the Agora. Kibbles & Bits for all! $20 reward. LOST: Tongue. If found, please keep. UPCOMING LOST: Cell phone. If found, please call owner. FOUND: Wet underwear. Eeeewwwww. BLACKBOARD MEETING: You are invited to attend a conference on the misuse of blackboards. We're going on strike. Bet you won't miss us. GENERAL

THE NEW CAMPUS SECURITY NUMBER IS 1-800-BAT-CAVE

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○○○○○○○ arts

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Her tears, my gnosis... Hope You Haiku Peace Diary by al-Ihya’ by Patrick Colle Behold the grassblades In the Name of Allah, Forcing green through April ice Hiding behind photographs, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful Hoping for a Spring. my pretentions falter. Filtered by fantasies They say there is a river beneath the heavens - Harland Snodgrass of a world which my mind in which angels go to weep JAC Faculty fails to fathom A glistening stream lined by lush gardens no matter how many times in which the nightingale sings spring flourishes. For verily as the morning dew rolls And I wish the economy Ed's Note: off the delicate petals of a rose would let us afford peace; Well, I guess the entire student body is perpetually in the angst-I-cannot- Do the tears of my beloved stream because these atrocities see-the-light category, so this is a tossed salad, but, however, one sunny outlook: down her cheeks in bittersweet perfection we flirt with are driving this issue sums up the semester's most outstanding contributions: A heavenly shower; my set of wheels -An unknown teacher innocent, sinless, pure... over a damn-steep cliff. -A Muslim poet O sweet, sweet melodies of sorrows, How I miss the laughter and love, and a dark and inspired poet chanting his cry of general if only your harps sung night and day the smiles and whimsical grins. angsty-ness If only your pearls ran down her perfect face Everyone seems to suffer And so ends the year, but hopefully, with time and not too much Prozac, whenever I’d be near everytime the grinding noise we will see the dawn of positive wrinting. Someday. So I could but once of war crushes our forgetful tears. Until then, so long, au revoir and sayonara, shut my eyes and draw her closer And so I run, as all creatures do Christine Nadeau In Soul; one with me, the gentle whims when their habitat is endangered. of my obsession I run, and I hide behind a tree. a timeless caress Behind my imposing guardian. Her soft fingers soothing the restlessness deep in my heart... O that sweet, sweet beloved of mine, if only she knew the passion behind these fiery verses If she but delved into the furiously woven intricacies of my mind Surely would she come across the seas of delight Once upon a time, there was an waiting for His approval advertisement here. Unfortunately though, The flames of its lyrical high-altars burning into my thoughts due to Bandersnatch’s wonderful *cough* The asphyxiating escapades, the days of timeless unity, organizational skills, it was lost somewhere the moments of love for His sake... on our network’s hard drive. And verily do these thoughts now spin on none but the axes of Divine illumination As I ponder His eternal verses to let mine eyes fill with the very wines Rest assured though, that the ad was of human delusion indeed here in the printed version of the The perplexing dreams of me walking towards her, my gnosis continues paper, but is now lost and gone forever. On Three hundred and sixty veils behalf of the Bander staff, I apologize for between me and the world, but one between her and I the inconvenience. As I hack in agony at the prison walls, making my escape from this worldly affliction... But until then will my Secret remain Sincerely, hidden, imprisoned in the depths of my soul As I wait for her by the gazebo, watching the stars, The Webmaster each a setting sun Each an instance of time, a memory of my endless longing, my chaotic intoxication The esoteric manifestations of nature inspiring my unending ode, my eternaldelirium Her tears, a woeful rain.

Mine, a furious storm...

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with Karen Gelsthorpe

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Zero 7: Remixes ○○○○○○○○○○ Exposé of Abbott Bands ○○○○○○○○ interest. It’s a lot softer, but its good all

Zeshan Chisty the same, it’s like relaxed trance or some- ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

Contributor thing. Another thing that I liked about this ○○○○○○○○○○ Karen Gelsthorpe ○○○○○○○○

Entertainment Editor Where should I start? Well, first off, song is that singers (Sia and Sophie) have ○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ this lets start with the negative aspects. really nice voices. The first thing that got me was that there Well if you like this type of music, I John Abbott college has many ex- are only 5 songs on this CD and a movie, recommend to you to go out and listen to tremely talented bands. This was most which to me, is a serious rip-off. I mean, it; its not bad. But if you want to go out recently demonstrated at the CSKY come on, what’s up with that? I under- and spend 15+ bucks on it I will laugh at organized event Battle of the Bands. stand it’s a CD of remixes, but you talk you, because I think it would be a rip-off. The CSKY event show cased the tal- about wanting to make money. Most peo- But, whatever. It's your choice, right? And ented students and enabled them to ple just have their remixes on the internet for those of you who don’t want to spend shine at an event with their peers. The or something. And want to know some- the money and want to download the following article is an exposé, if you thing worse? Two of the remixes are of songs, here they are: will, of some of the bands that partici- the same song, so theoretically there are pated in the Battle of the Bands. ( In only four songs on the CD. 1. Distractions (Bugz in the attic order of appearance, not talent) Remix) Now that I have vented on how much Skema the CD is a rip-off, I think it should be a 2. In The Waiting Line ( Dorfmeister The first band to play at Battle of good idea to write about the music itself. con Madrid De Los Austrias Dub) the Bands: Skema . I had the opportu- First off, the genre of music that they claim (Bob Menzies pictured above) 3. Destiny (Photek Remix) nity to speak with Miles (the drummer) it is “Electronic/House” which is partially and he was nice enough to share the Wax Blender true, except one of the remixes sounds 4. Distractions (Madlib’s YNQ Remix) origins of their music. Skema has been like some jazz/electronic/fusion kind of The third band to play and the 5. End Theme (Roni size’s Tear it up performing together for two years and thing. If you’re into the stuff like Faithless, winners at the Battle of the Bands, Wax Remix) they class their music as "Progressive Astral Projection and things like that, Blender is a lighter, punkier group. Rock". The genre of music was the some of these songs will be to your liking. And if you interested in their other The band featuring Nick Blender, hardest rock featured at the Battle of But if you're into the harder trance and stuff, these remixes are from their CD “Sim- Johny Christ and Mike Niro have been the Bands. "Give us a try" the plea of a techno scene, like Brooklyn Bounce and ple things” performing together for a little longer very talented drummer from an ex- Daft Punk the last remix might pique your than a year with the current members. ceptionally talented band. For more

Having spoken to Nick Blender, he de- We Are Your Friends

○○○○○○○○ fines the style as, and I quote, ○○○○○○○○○○○ sound great. Throughout “When I Go”, "Screeching weasel skanking all over Bob Menzies there are a couple of backup vocalists

Greenday's dead bodies." They have Entertainment Guy ○○○○○○○○ performed approximately 20 shows ○○○○○○○○○○○ singing lines that sound a lot like they could have been written by the Beach Boys. at various locations and have two Who here likes Beatles rip-offs? Just upcoming shows, one at Clydes, May raise your hand. You might want to check The song that stands out the most is 15th and the other at club one, May out Simian. Simian is a quartet from Eng- End of the Day, with its disjointed, off-time 16th. For more information about land that released their second album, bass line that really catches you off guard. Wax Blender you can visit their “We Are Your Friends”, a few months ago. I tried to figure out the time signature for website www.waxblender.cjb.net, a full minute before I realized that it was But it would be unfair to just pass them soon to be www.waxblender.com in perfect 4/4. Other noteworthy tracks off as a boring Beatles 'wannabe' band. To are La Breeze, with its freaky chords that be fair, they have some really interesting command your attention; Sunshine, stuff on this album. It’s too bad that it which is simple, but sounds really nice; seems to almost get lost among the crap, and The Swarm. The Swarm isn’t really which is just as present. They do “borrow” good, but is worth a listen or two, if only heavily from the Fab Four - specifically, because it’s got a time signature of 5/4. George and John - and it’s really obvious on songs like The Swarm, which has a To end this review, this album is a very information visit www.skema.com psychadelic Lucy in the Sky feel to it, and confusing mix of good and bad sounds. I (pictured above bassist) La Breeze, which sounds a lot like (of all like being surprised by bands, and this The Super Villains songs) Wild Honey Pie. band did exactly that. To start with a gem like La Breeze, and move on to such crap The singing is both a blessing and a The second band to play at the Bat- as Helpless and In Between really blows curse. On one hand, when they try to hit tle of the Bands defines themselves as my mind. This band is capable of writing the notes on the higher end of the scale, Jam Rock and has been performing really good stuff; half of the songs should on sings like “Never Be Alone” and “Big together for just over six months. Bob not be on this record. The final verdict is Black Gun”, they seem to just fall short of Menzies the bassist/ singer suggests that it’s worth a listen, especially if you’re the mark, making the listener cringe a lit- that Abbott students "Listen to us a fan of the Beatles or British music in gen- tle. On the other hand, the harmonies writ- more" He, along with the other group eral. But this is such an uneven album that ten by this band can be really beautiful, members Eddie Franco, Husain Amer (Nick Blender pictured above) it really will be a personal choice for eve- especially on tracks such as “She’s in and Andrew Fraticelli have hopes of ryone who checks it out. dominating CSKY. Bandersnatch says Mind”. No matter how many lines they good luck. sing, they seem to come up with a differ-

ent harmony each time, and they all

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Five Minute Reviews with Marc

Fear Factory - Hatefiles ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○ Planet IRS - Welcome to Planet IRS Richard Ashcroft - Human Conditions Marc Nakhleh This CD is actually a compilation of Former Verve frontman Richard The booklet starts off by telling us:

Staff Writer “This album is strictly for you, the die- ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○ their best 12" releases and 4 new songs. It Ashcroft is back with his second solo CD. runs very smoothly though sometimes, Ashcroft sounds like a mix of Bob Dylan hard Fear Factory fan.” Well, that leaves JF Lemieux - Just to Say (single) the rhymes get in the way of the beat. It and Bon Jovi, which can be taken many me out of the loop, doesn’t it? Altogether, this rock album has a very hard feel to it, JF Lemieux’ first single wasn’t that doesn’t take much away from the inten- different ways. The whole CD has a very relying mostly on fast-paced drumming memorable, but the underlying beat will sity of the whole CD as every single song is relaxed feel to it as the guitars are so mel- and very loud vocals. The lyrics are pretty mesmerize you, flowing through you like catchy as Hell. The lyrics are terrific (even low they’re a step away from country; the unimportant since they’re more screamed a lava lamp. It’s a shame that it’s accom- though they’re a bit hard to follow some- lyrics have a deepness to them that has then sung and the guitar work is pretty panied by mediocre vocals and even less- times) and the bass is just perfect in all the you waiting for the next line of the song. cool in 2 or 3 songs, but that’s about it. inspiring lyrics. It just feels that he’s try- songs but one (where it almost burst my Mixing violins and flutes into the fray at Not bad overall, but I’d have to agree with ing to hard to be as ‘funky’ as can be, and eardrums). A great CD for any occasion. just the right moments makes this CD a the lil’ booklet: if you’re not a big fan of the song suffers for it. It’s worth great listen, though Ashcroft would be Vocals 7.5 Lyrics 8 Actual Fear Factory, better off not buying this downloading for the instrumental. most people’s last choice for an up-beat, Sound 8 Buy it? Damn Straight fast moving artist. Still worth buying, if CD. Vocals 4 Lyrics 4 And You Will Know Us by the Trail of you ask me. Vocals 8 Vocals 6 Lyrics 5 Actual Actual Sound 7 Buy it? Nope. Dead - The Secret of Elena’s Tomb Lyrics 8 Actual Sound 7.5 Buy it? Sound 5 Buy it? Not unless a big fan. Flashlight Brown - My Degeneration Only if you like mellow music Let’s get to the point: this CD is short Les Nubians - One Step Forward A nice little punk group that’s been and confused, and the first 2 tracks fea- Various artists - Reggae Lasting Love Les Nubians have a very worldly feel around for a reasonably long time. Most ture no melody to speak of, as the guitars Songs to them, elegantly using bass and drums of their songs have a well-polished feel to float between “loud and bad” and “soft and Sort of self-explanatory, isn’t it? There the way you would see done in one of them that really makes listening to them bad”, always leaving you with the sense is very little as cheesy as a badly-used elec- these stereotypical poetry clubs. The fe- enjoyable. They sing of Dungeons & Drag- that there’s something not quite right tric keyboard. It’s a decent CD for when male duo sport beautiful, sultry voices ons, those popular kids that always picked about the songs. The CD improves a bit, the lights are dimmed at parties and eve- that only bring you further into the mu- on them in high school, annoying friends following up with 2 beautiful pieces where ryone just wants to lose consciousness in sic. Although most of the lyrics are in that wouldn’t shut up…it’s the Seinfeld of the guitars melt together and the vocals their own corner, but that’s about it. I French, you can get a good feel about what CDs. Mixed with songs that run the gamut just give the whole thing a perfect feel, a really don’t have anything else to say each song is about simply from the beat. I from hard-fast to slow-soft and better- general sense of peace. But, when 2/4 about this CD. Simply don’t buy it, would say that there's not a single bad song than-average vocals, it works for me. songs on your CD are painful to hear and please…unless your ‘thing’ is Reggae Love on this CD; as each song is a unique little the 5th song is a demo, you know you’re Songs. Vocals 7 Lyrics 7 in trouble. gem that eases your mind into a happy Actual Sound 7.5 B u y Vocals 4 Lyrics 2 coma. it? Sure. Vocals 6 Lyrics 7 Actual Actual Sound 4 Buy it? No Sound 6 Buy it? Yes... as in no. Vocals 8 Lyrics7 Actual Sound 8.5 Buy it? If you're

into world music.

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Placebo Effect? ○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ cine is like a splash of cold water on a hot Adam Stanhope day, it just hits you from out of left field.

Staff Writer ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ ○○○○ The compilation CD X 2003 Experi- Sleeping With Ghosts is the latest al- ence the Alternative is a punk party disk if bum from Placebo. Starting off, the first I ever heard one. With songs like Get this Good day, everyone! This is (hope- Béla Fleck and the Flecktones - Trane song, Bulletproof Cupid, sets the tone of Part Started by Tobymac and Punk Rawk fully) going to be my final column in this to Conamarra the CD. The songs do have a similar feel to Show by MxPx, this album is just filled to newspaper, as after two of the best years Headstones - Cubically Contained them, but a pleasant similarity, almost the brim with rocking punk songs. Unlike of my life, I am (hopefully) going to gradu- familiarity. Unlike most bands, the open- most punk songs, there are no death metal ate. My theme for this column is going to Jethro Tull - Serenade to a Cuckoo ing track, Bulletproof Cupid, is or speed punk solos that sound be pretty topical, considering that this is an instrumental track, and the like a cat is being killed. X 2003 the April 23 issue: study music. What is Kid Koala - Fender Bender second track, English Summer is a double disk album with 15 the best music to study to? Land of the Loops - Soapyhose Rain, starts off with a nice bass songs on each, and if you have line followed by vocals. When lis- a Xbox or PS2, you get 2 hid- I’m one of those who simply find it Massive Attack - Protection tened to, one after another, the den tracks on each disk. Track so much easier to study when there’s first 2 tracks blend into one, al- 9, Kamikaze, by Five Iron music on, much to the annoyance of my Pink Floyd - Any Colour You Like parents (How can you concentrate with lowing for a continuous flow. Frenzy, fits the tone of the al- U2 - Numb Very nice, and because of this bum, but adds something: a all that noise?). I believe it has to do with fact if you listen to this album trumpet. This one instrument comfort. When there is noth- A few things to remember while walking somewhere, the completely lifts this track ing but silence to help you ab- when choosing your own study time will pass like nothing. On the title above the rest, due to the "over the top" sorb what you’re learning, music: it’s helpful to have instru- track, Sleeping With Ghosts, Placebo did sound the trumpet creates, giving Kami- you can get uncomfortable mental songs. A quick glance at an excellent job; it gives the feeling of hav- kaze a nice sound and feel. Disk Two has a and irritable and you won’t my list counts 4 songs with lyrics ing something very other worldly around edgier feel to it then Disk One, though there learn anything. But when and 8 without. Of those with lyr- you. The eerie vocals and haunting bass is always a smooth feel to all of it. A good there’s music on, it puts you ics, they’re pretty subdued and and guitar cords are really freaky. Over example of this is track 6, Engage, by in a better mood, a batter calm. Lyrics are the most ear- the course of the CD the techno feel slowly PAK21. With every thing these days, frame of mind. Things move catching part of music - if you’re creeps its way into the tracks. With track techno has wormed its way into this al- more freely in your mind and not careful in your choices, you 6, Something Rotten, starting off sound- bum, but in a tasteful way. With The Glori- it’s easier to study. could end up ignoring your homework completely and listening to ing like something from Metriod Prime. ous Ones by Tree63, with some mixing On the other hand, I’m also one of your favourite singer. While the techno aspect is always there, going on with the guitar and vocals, it's a those who can fall face-first into a song the more hard sound of rock suddenly nice blend. and not be able to get out until it finishes. Also: at all costs, avoid complex pops up with Plasticine, track 7. Plasti- When that happens, I’m useless. I don’t and/or passionate music. That means no learn anything, I don’t remember any- Tool, no I Mother Earth, and no Beatles.

Three Minutes with Kat thing, and I can barely hear people call- This is music that commands your whole ○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ drums). It has lots of drums and guitars, ing my name. So, when I’m studying, I attention when it’s on. Upbeat music is Kathleen Stanhope which is good if you ask me, but that’s be- have to pick songs carefully - they have to just as dangerous. It will make you want

Archive Editor keep me happy, but can’t suck me in. I

○○○○○○○○ ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ cause I like sound with real bass in it. I to get up and mosh, or dance, or what- need a nice medium. So if you’re having Turin Brakes: Ether Song was expecting it to be loud, ‘nails on chalk ever you like to do with music. So no punk, boards’ screechy melodies that would trouble studying, throw together a mix and no dance. You want music that can fit This CD actually surprised me; I was eventually drive me into trite murder CD with a couple of my recommendations nicely in the background without over- expecting it to be sappy cheesy melodies patterns just to shut out the noise. I was and see how far it gets you. taking your senses. that would eventually drive me into melo- wrong, I actually don’t mind listening to Mix some jazz, some rock (though Remember, you can all reach me dramatic suicide. I was wrong; I actually it, and I don’t think that many people nothing loud) and some electronica, and at [email protected] if you should don’t mind listening to it. That is not to would have any problems listing to it ei- here you have it. want to talk about music, or anything, for say that it is not sappy, because it is, but ther. that matter. I’d like to wish everyone read- it’s more of a sentimental sappy and it’s Amon Tobin - Chocolate Lovely ing this a very happy (and hopefully not just not as bad as I thought it would be. The Music: The Music Which, by the way, is totally confusing Beach Boys - Pet Sounds swamping) final month here at John me, but according to the info Abbott College. Good luck on all of your This CD is actually sort of Bullfrog - Nice Try sheet/sticker I got with the final exams, and have a great summer! cool. It has a really nifty design, CD, Turin Brakes “have of- Miles Davis - So What both on the CD itself and the ten been compared to such booklet. The booklet is also full quiet core bands as Coldplay of designs, with absolutely no and Travis.” Ok so I don’t lyrics to be had anywhere. The know who Travis is from a biggest surprise though, is that hole in the wall, but I do I actually heard them on the ra- know of Coldplay and I like them, so dio the other day. The tracks, all ten of maybe that’s why I kinda like Turin them, are pretty good, with nice flow and Brakes. Or maybe I just like the mellow consistency. According to the info sheet/ melodies ignoring what the words actu- sticker I got with the CD The Music is “four ally mean, just listing to the sounds they young lads from the UK rippin’ it up with make, and enjoy the inherent quasi po- heroic guitars & sweeping vocals.” And etry of the song names. once I figure out what they mean by “he- The Exies: Inertia roic guitars” I will definitely let you know. While it claims to be an enhanced CD, I When I got this CD, I thought it would have not yet been able to access the en- just be some loud screaming heavy metal hanced goodies supposedly locked away type headache waiting to happen. But I somewhere in its electronic heart. They was pleasantly surprised to discover that are also supposedly “potentially the most it was nothing of the sort, and that I like. important group since Oasis”, that I think It is not the usual fare of what I like to might be pushing it, but hey, people can listen to, because it is metal like (at least dream right? as far as the metal stuff I have heard and

considered listing to without bleeding ear

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○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ the underdog. Jean- Sébastien didn’t produce offence when it Detroit’s usually hidden he- the other candidate. Nick Mumme Giguere proved himself wor- was most necessary. And don’t roes where just that… hidden. Core players such as Paul Staff Writer thy of the "goalie to be feared" forget last years Conn Smyth Rather than playing the

○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Kariya, Peter Sykora, Steve playoff title. Meanwhile Curtis trophy winner, Nicklas roughed grinding style that Ruchin and Sandis Ozolinsh "no cup" Joseph displayed, yet Lidstrom. The usually consist- everyone is so used to, Kris Who could have thought it? played to their full potential again, his ability to choke un- ent Swede was nowhere to be Drapper, Darren McCarty and If anything, you’d expect the and the added leadership of der the pressure in big games. seen in the past few games af- Kirk Maltby had no impact opposite. There isn’t a hockey veterans like Adam Oates, Just to remind you all, Cujo has ter recording 18 goals and 62 whatsoever on the series. The expert in the world who would Steve Thomas, and Keith yet to win a Vezna trophy, or a points during the regular sea- trio combined for 0 points and have bet their wallet on an Carney completed the picture. Stanley Cup. His only claim to son. a –7 : nothing but three hidden Anaheim sweep. This team is obviously a huge fame are the golden splinters zeros. upgrade from the last two sea- This series proves how which he collected while sitting Detroit's veterans weren’t Don’t mistake me. I’m not sons. Accordingly, Anaheim overrated both a successful on the bench as Brodeur and the only ones who forgot their taking anything away from the was stomped on and swept by regular season and a playoff others won the tournaments. jocks at home. What happened history can be. Not only did the to the so called young stars like Mighty Ducks. They played a Detroit during previous playoff Wings finish around 15 points However, goaltending Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel tireless two way game, which matchups. Anaheim is no ahead of the Ducks, but they wasn’t the only reason for the Datsyuk? Zetterberg scored a shut down the wings from all longer a bunch of AHLers with also had 56 more goals scored, defeat of the defending Stanley mere one goal and was a horri- angles. J-S Giguere played far a Canadian captain named Paul and 7 more wins. Cup Champions. A list of big- ble –4. As for Datsyuk, he was beyond his years, and was bet- Kariya; this team is for real. name stars failed to deliver. A held pointless and was a disap- ter than José Theodore last Look out Dallas! This series featured a battle healthy Steve Yzerman as well pointing –3. If the wings claim year. Not only did Giguere out- between the old and the young, as Sergei Federov, Brendan that these two youngsters are play Joseph, he was arguably the experienced and the inex- Shanahan, Brett Hull, Luc the future, we might not have the best goaltender of the first perienced, the favourite and Robitaille and Chris Chelios much to look forward to. round, Martin Brodeur being

two to four weeks because of a won two of those four series in broken bone in his right foot. The seven games and lost to Edmon- defenseman blocked a shot mid- ton in game seven in 1998. way into the third period of the Flyers’ 4-1 victory over Toronto THAT’S A FAN: The NHL has on Saturday. chosen the 2002-2003 season to honour the 7th-man of each COOL QUOTE: Tampa Bay team... the fans. The Montreal How do you know the spring form the final round 2 matchup. goes the Finnish Flash. Lightning Coach John Tortorella Canadiens’ winner, Jack has come? The Habs are on the on his team’s playoff run: “You Gurevitch, claims to posses 1 ton golf course! MEAN STREAK: On April 21, CAPS COLLAPSE: Empty 1951, the Toronto Maple Leafs seats, overtime penalties and a never know how far you’re go- of hockey cards, 1500 auto- MATCHUP UPDATES: The faced off against the Montreal $20 million loss makes Wash- ing in the playoffs, but you need graphs (all obtained in person) Dallas Stars startled the Edmon- Canadiens to win the Stanley Cup ington Capitals’ owner Ted to come back and do it again, and and to have spent 1000 hours ton Oilers in game 6 and will be in the only series in history Leonsis not fan-friendly: “The that’s how you solidify your or- outside the Montreal rink in facing the Anaheim Mighty where all games were decided in market has spoken,” Leonsis ganization. We don’t want this to freezing temperatures to wait for Ducks, who, in the most surpris- overtime. said. “The truth of the matter was be a one-year thing or a one-se- the opportunity to get auto- ing turn of events, swept the de- that we worked very, very hard ries thing.” graphs. He also happens to have fending Stanley Cup Champions, FINAL BLOW: The San Jose to expand our fan base, and it was a hockey crazy fiancé who truly UNLUCKY FIVE: The Minne- the Detroit Red Wings. Also, the Sharks’ star player Teemu apparent we didn’t capture the believes hockey is more impor- sota Wild beat the Colorado Ava- Ottawa Senators wrapped up Selanne elected not to exercise imagination of a broader base of tant than anything else — includ- lanche 3-2 on Saturday, mark- their series against the New York his option, and therefore be- fan.” ing her. “She’s right,” Gurevitch ing the fourth time in five years Islanders in five games and will comes a free agent on Monday. adds. that the Avalanche lose a poten- face-off against the winner of the This is the final blow for the WRONG FOOT: The Philadel- tial series-clinching fifth game at That's it folks! See you next Toronto Maple Leafs and Phila- Sharks, who missed the playoffs phia Flyers will be without home. Colorado have previously year! delphia Flyers series. Martin for the first time in 6 years. There defenseman Eric Desjardins for Brodeur and the New Jersey Devils eliminated the struggling Boston Bruins in game 5. They will be matching up against the Tampa Bay Lightning, who de- Canadian Ambassadors Wanted. stroyed the Washington Capitals in 6 games. Two more series were Join the World Partnership Walk - make a difference in the world, have fun and earn prizes. Bring a team! being played out at time of print, Sunday, May 25 11 a.m. Montreal, Mount Royal Park the Colorado Avalanche vs. the Minnesota Wild as well as the An initiative of: Vancouver Canucks vs. the St- Register or Sponsor Online Now! worldpartnershipwalk.com 1-800-267-2532 a member of the Aga Khan Development Network

Louis Blues. The winners will Victoria • Vancouver • Edmonton • Calgary • Winnipeg • London • Kitchener • Toronto • Ottawa • Montreal

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Once upon a time, there was an advertisement here. Unfortunately though, due to Bandersnatch’s wonderful *cough* organizational skills, it was lost somewhere on our network’s hard drive.

Rest assured though, that the ad was indeed here in the printed version of the paper, but is now lost and gone forever. On behalf of the Bander staff, I apologize for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,

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