Integrated : A Different Experience of the Self

A Capstone Paper

Presented in Partial Fulfillment

For the Psychoanalysis Minor.

The Colorado College

Jennifer Cajina-Grigsby

Spring 2014

On my honor

I have neither given nor received unauthorized aid on this assignment

______

Jennifer Cajina-Grigsby

Spring 2014

Acknowledgements

This capstone paper was a self-exploratory journey that enabled me to understand myself better and improve my perception of life. It would not have been possible without the help and support of so many people. I would like to express the deepest appreciation to my advisor and the person who introduced me to the field of psychoanalysis: Marcia Dobson. Since the first day we met, she has guided me to my healing process, as well as the field of psychoanalysis in general. I also want to thank John Riker for supporting me in this journey. Both Marcia and John have been exceptional mentors, whose classes have given me a great foundation to start this self- exploratory journey.

I would also want to thank my mother, as through example, she has taught me that there is no obstacle that can stop me from succeeding. Her presence in my life has shaped who I am, and I would not have changed anything. I also want to thank my grandmother, and nannies, because they each put a bit of themselves in my upbringing.

More so, I am immensely grateful for everyone that was there for me this past four years, specially Nawar, Luigi, Rachel and Rosie. Thank you for listening to me, being there for me, and of course, for giving me feedback on my papers.

To conclude, I would like to say, that it is important to explore one’s self. I believe that just as Socrates said “the unexamined life, is not worth living.” This is the start of a thoroughly examined life.

Abstract

This capstone paper introduces the concept and theory of Integrated Shame. It first provides a review of the development of shame in psychoanalysis: how it emerged, why it was ignored as such, and how it was reintroduced into this field. It then presents and explores major theories that have defined the origin and components of the effect of shame. I use my own case illustration to further clarify the issue at hand and I terminate with presenting contemporary psychoanalytic theories that provide insight to both the experience of Integrated Shame as well as possible treatment solutions. I conclude by saying that Integrated Shame would be best treated using Summer’s phenomenological approach primarily due to the extensive influence of Kohutian Self Psychology.

Keywords: shame, psychoanalysis, self psychology, kohutian, phenomenological

TABLE OF CONTENTS Preface ...... 1 Introduction ...... 3 Brief History of Shame ...... 4 Developmental Timeline ...... 5 Understanding the Of Shame ...... 7 Origin of Shame ...... 7 Component of shame and its effects ...... 8 Case Study ...... 11 The beginning ...... 11 Discovering my unconscious ...... 12 A split due to two different Shames ...... 15 Promoters of my Shame ...... 17 Present day...... 18 Theoretical Framework for Treatment and Understanding of...... 20 Heinz Kohut and Self Psychology ...... 21 Jessica Benjamin’s Intersubjective Theory of Shame ...... 26

Frank Summers’s Phenomenological Approach ...... 30 Conclusion: A Phenomenological Treatment of Integrated Shame ...... 32

Bibliography ...... 37

Preface

MY IN SHAME evolved after reading an extract of Peter Shabad’s book:

The of : Metamorphoses and the Embrace of the Stranger (2010). In the section entitled The Cost of Shame: Narcissism and Loyalty to One’s Own Kind, his discussion of shame shed light on its existence and predominance in my life. As the novice psychoanalyst that I am, and being aware of the sense of emptiness and of abandonment aroused in me from time to time, I have decided to present as a case study my first step to be a part of this field: the start of my healing process. Along with the presentation of my case study, I will try to define and introduce a type of shame that I believe is highly important in our time.

During the process of my treatment, I realized that I suffered from a type of shame yet to be defined in the field; a type of shame that, compared to the ones mostly mentioned in the various researches of this affect, is more “integrated” or “acceptable.” I will refer to this as

Integrated Shame. This type of shame has been presented in psychoanalytic literature before, but because it is not as intense, obvious or drastic and, most importantly, because it does not equate to an anomaly in society, it has not received much attention. This concept of Integrated Shame will be illustrated through my own clinical material as well as through contemporary psychoanalytic theories. Integrated Shame refers to a less severe and hence admissible affect that manages to integrate with the self of the person suffering from it. The person is able to have a normal life, but at the same time suffers from deeply painful of , abandonment, and emptiness. Integrated Shame, as the concept implies, manages to integrate with the person’s self and life to the point that it is hardly possible to discern it. This type of shame can seem not severe enough to affect the person’s development drastically. Yet, if it is not treated at some point, it creates myriad obstacles that can become a threat to the full achievement

1 of the person’s goals. This research does not only pertain to the psychoanalytical field, but its acknowledgement is crucial in our present society. I believe that divorces and single parent families are somehow related to integrated shame-prone individuals. The divorce and single parent family rate has increased noticeably in our time, making it necessary to illuminate this affect to raise general awareness of its existence.

In order to present this study, first I will introduce the idea of Integrated Shame. Then, I will provide a quick review of the development of shame in psychoanalysis: how it emerged, why it was ignored as such, and how it was reintroduced into this field. I shall then turn to major theories that have defined the origin and components of the term. My own case illustration will further clarify the issue at hand. Finally, I terminate with presenting contemporary psychoanalytic theories that provide insight to both the experience of Integrated Shame as well as possible treatment solutions.

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“From an unavoidable sense of loss of self-control and of parental over control comes a lasting propensity for and shame. When the child allows itself to function as an extension of a parent, it has lost self-control and has abandoned itself to the parent.” (Erikson, 1968)

Introduction

Shame arises when the father or mother fails to encourage a child’s self-development by the lack of joyful responses to the child’s being. After being rejected or ignored, the child internalizes the devaluation of herself so deeply in her ego that the baby’s potential unique personality is seen as inadequate. The child understands the parent’s lack of positive response as if it was her own mistake, taking the responsibility for not being appreciated. The experience of shame is forced into oneself at an early stage in life. Yet, such remains throughout life, in the form of a shadow, until discovered and treated.

Integrated Shame refers to a less severe and hence more admissible affect than shame. As the term “integrated” implies, the experience of shame in individuals suffering from it manages to integrate with the person’s self and life in a way that they are able to have a normal life, but at times suffer from deeply painful feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and emptiness. Just like people suffering from severe versions of shame, individuals suffering from Integrated Shame also have a wish to hide. This wish may be expressed by hiding their feelings of shame through an exaggerated , arrogance and superiority to cover their sense of self-emptiness; others may just withdraw themselves from society from time to time. Individuals suffering from

Integrated Shame can also have low self-esteem, suffer from constant , severe perfectionism, and an excessive self-awareness due to fear of being perceived by others as fragmented, unacceptable or unlovable. Moreover, they also experience certain episodes of produced by in-turned narcissistic .

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It is important to emphasize that in a person suffering from Integrated Shame, the wish to hide, or feelings of depression, are not constantly present but are rather triggered when feelings of emerge, when the person is unable to achieve a certain goal or keep up with her ego ideal. Many individuals, although, highly functional in our society, may be suffering from what I am designating as Integrated Shame. Its acknowledgement is crucial to further improve the life of many in the world.

Brief History of Shame

Although not the protagonist, shame has been an actor on the stage of psychoanalysis since its inception. Shame can be traced back in Freud’s Studies on (Breuer and Freud,

1895), where he not only links it with self-reproach, but also mentions it as a result of a psychical force that the patient would prefer not to have experienced. Shame appears as an instigator of dream wishes in Interpretation of Dreams (Freud, 1900) and as a impediment towards a developmental acquisitions of morality in Freud’s Three Essays on Sexuality (Freud, 1905).

Similarly, it was indirectly presented in Freud’s On Narcissism: An Introduction (Freud, 1914) where the concept of the ego ideal, a set of goals and standards set in the super ego by parents and authorities, served as the starting ground for theories about shame. After this time, his writing went in a different direction, emphasizing instead the concepts of libido and conflict theory.

Freud’s attention to shame and shame related phenomena disappeared completely in The

Ego and the Id (Freud, 1923) with the appearance of his structural theory. In this work Freud shifted his attention to , which fit better in his conflict theory, mainly in the Oedipus complex, and the “competitive strivings for parents of the opposite sex.” After this time, his

4 attention to shame and the ego ideal was slowly reduced. Although referred to from time to time, the ego ideal was replaced and represented mainly by the super ego, which took over the conscience entirely (Lansky, 1999). Furthermore, Freud placed the experience of shame outside the individual (Kinston, 1983), thus also placing it outside the structural theory, and the mind itself. At this moment, “shame” lost its importance not only in Freud’s theories, but more importantly, in psychoanalytic thinking in general.

The interest in shame has increased rather exponentially in recent times. To highlight the literature that has improved the understanding of shame during its period of reemergence in psychoanalysis, I will present a brief timeline. This timeline will not only highlight the development of this affect but also its connection to the concept of “Self.” Shame after all, as

Lewis (1963) explains, is about the self and ultimately is a way of experiencing the self.

Connecting shame and the self makes it easier to trace the development of both. Indeed, Lansky

(1999) was accurate when observing that both “the study of shame and its appreciation of the self went underground only to reemerge at almost the same time” (p.350).

Developmental Timeline

In 1951, Piers in his brief article Guilt and Shame introduces his four structural properties of shame: 1) tension between Ego and Ego Ideal (rather than between Ego and Super-Ego, as in Guilt), 2) Shame generated when a goal presented by the Ego Ideal cannot be obtained (for

Guilt, it is when a boundary set by the Super-Ego is transgressed), 3) Fear of abandonment is implied in shame, rather than mutilation (castration) fear as in Guilt, 4) The Law of Talion is not obtained as in Guilt.

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In their book, Shame and Guilt (1953), Piers along with Singer, explained that shame is the result of tension between the ego and that ill-defined structure of the ego ideal. In other words, that shame appears when the goal of the ego ideal is not attained. Lynd, in his book On

Shame and the Search of Identity (1958) introduces the idea of shame as playing a key role in the development and formation of a strong sense of identity. Shame can be a difficult obstacle for the development of a healthy identity. Identity can be fragmented because of the mere presence of shame. Shame can stop individuals from understanding that they are special and that they are worthwhile.

In 1963, in “A Case of Watching a Defense Against an Oral Incorporation Fantasy”,

Lewis suggested that shame was a protection against the loss of self-boundaries and the maintainer of the sense of separate identity. She further explains that one of the functions of shame is to bring awareness of both our own self and that of the other; which happens sharply when the “other” rejects one’s self. In other words, she notes that the experience of shame is directly involved with the whole self, and that shame is the result of experiences which question and threaten our preconceptions of ourselves.

Erikson’s work Identity: Youth and Crisis (1968) refers to the development of shame through the relationship between child and parents. For Erikson, a propensity for doubt and shame arises from a sense of loss of self-control that is triggered by parental over control. When this sense of shame takes complete control over the child’s experience of self, she losses self- control and abandons her own self to her parent.

Nonetheless, the twin reemergence of shame and self was clearly defined in 1971, with the publication of two important works in the field: Helen Block Lewis’s Shame and Guilt in

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Neurosis and Heinz Kohut’s The Analysis of the Self. Lewis’s book clarified the affect clearly and introduced the idea of shame as a wider phenomenon resulting from unconscious reactions rather than a single emotion or affect. Nevertheless, Kohut’s work is key in the development of shame, as he focused strongly on the union between shame and the self. The appearance of the inherent need for a selfobject made the understanding of many disorders and traumas more accessible, including that of shame.

It is with these two works that both shame and the Self find the places that they deserve in psychoanalysis. Borrowing a phrase from Lansky, the self is only a self by virtue of confirmation, recognition, affirmation and empathic understanding coming from the Kohutian selfobject, which is also tightly related to the idea of shame (Lansky, 1999). Kohut’s Self

Psychology makes the understanding of the interaction between shame and the self easier to observe. Even though shame is better understood under the lens of self psychology, it was defined and developed even before the appearance of this psychology. I will present an overview of shame’s origin and its major components, mentioning only the places where most of analysts seem to be in agreement with one another. Afterwards, I will present a case study that will serve to illustrate the experience of Integrated Shame, followed by contemporary psychoanalytic theories related to shame that will provide greater insight to both the experience of this affect, and its possible treatment.

Understanding the Affect of Shame

I. Origins of Shame

One of the major activators (Lansky, 1999) of shame is the experience of the self as defective. This self-depletion is frequently the result of a failure to live up to parental

7 expectations. As Pulver observed, the word defective carries with it the connotation of devaluation from others (Pulver, 1999). In other words, the self- its qualities, capacities or incapacities- are experienced as defective only if parents fail to respond to them (baby’s needs, creativity and talents) in a positive and encouraging manner. The baby’s capacities or incapacities are felt as shameful when they are thought to lead to the devaluation of others. This is exactly the case with my mother’s disability, which will be explained further in the case study.

This devaluation is then internalized so deeply in the baby’s ego that the baby’s potential unique personality is disregarded and seen as inadequate. This urge to live up to parental expectations is based on the for some sense of closeness, or approval from that significant other (Kinston, 1983). Shame is then subsequently associated with the threat of rejection or abandonment. It is further inextricably embedded with the fear of the disappearance of the other, the parent.

Peter Shabad states that after being repeatedly rejected or ignored, the child develops its first form of shame: “an omnipotent sense of having done something wrong to make the other unhappy” (Shabad, 2010, p. 721). The child starts to take on the burden of responsibility for all the bad things or frustrating experiences that happen not only to her, but to her beloved ones too. It is important to note that, unlike guilt, shame is felt as involuntary- it is forced into oneself at an early stage and it remains there in the shadow of our unconscious until discovered and treated.

II. Components of shame and its effects

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In patients suffering from shame, the urge to keep up with the ego ideal creates conflicts that are experienced as a polarization between what one should do (ego ideal) and what one wishes to do (id). The individual’s self is divided against herself. This experience is clearly portrayed in a clinical case of Donald Kalsched, a Jungian analyst. In this case, Mrs. Y. is a person suffering from deep shame. A film found by Mrs. Y records an experience the patient had when she was two-years-old. She was crying and running from one pair of legs to another, looking up imploring for help, yet being ignored. At the end of the film, when the patient was finally overcome by and rage, a nanny came and dragged her off kicking and screaming

(Kalsched, 2010, Ch. 1). The failure of her parents to respond resulted in her inability to convey her needs or feelings to either parent for her entire childhood, as well as a development of the feeling of shame regarding these needs (she felt her needs or urges were “bad”, “weak” and

“overly exaggerated”). As Dr. Shabad explains, “these shoulds” are connected to a self- sacrificial compliance with the of others, while renouncing one’s own desires which are thought to be selfish. This polarization could further lead to a split in the inner world as it happened in the case of Mrs. Y. The rage and she felt toward her neglectful parents were internalized and used to repress her neediness, which eventually became intolerable for her.

The action component of shame is the wish to hide (Kinston, 1983). This wish can be observed either actively or passively in patients. The passive type can be observed in patients whose fantasies or dreams relate to hiding, such as the wish to sink into the ground or the wish to fly away in the sky. Another way to passively experience this wish is the need of some people to isolate themselves from others and to avoid any intimate relationship. The active manner to go about with this wish is to actually wish to die. The self is experienced as so unworthy and

9 defective that, for some, the best solution imaginable is death. This component of shame makes it more difficult for analysts to notice the existence of shame during treatment.

This wish to hide, however, can be expressed differently. Some patients, instead of wishing to hide themselves, wish to hide the existence of shame in them. Such patients present themselves with an exaggerated grandiosity, and sometimes even full of arrogance and feelings of superiority to defensively cover the emptiness of their self, the absence of attainable ambitions, sustaining ideals, and the fear of meaningful affirming personal relations (Morrison,

1983). This wish to hide their inner shame also makes them resistant to traditional psychoanalytic treatment.

On a different vein, Pulver states that a person suffering from shame will experience a sense of inadequacy, deficiency, dirtiness, neediness, emptiness, , mortification, , , humility, and disgrace, to name just a few (Pulver, 1999, p.389).

Hence, shame-prone individuals may suffer from low self-esteem, constant disappointment, severe perfectionism, and the excessive self-awareness due to fear to be perceived by others as incohesive, unacceptable and unlovable. Another crucial component of shame is depression; a depression that takes part in this feeling due to the emptiness, repeated failure, and other such sentiments mentioned above. This creates another obstacle when dealing with patients suffering from shame, since too often the attention is given solely to depression and not to the similar sense of self-emptiness provoked by shame (Morrison, 1983).

On the one hand the fear of abandonment, which appears from a traumatic experience as a child, creates a deep fear of losing the bond of meaningful connections to other people. On the other hand, the early experience of abandonment from which shame rises up in an individual

10 makes it hard for the person to establish close, meaningful interpersonal relationships. My own personal experiences presented as a case study, will present material to further understand how individuals might experience not only this, but Integrated Shame in general.

Case Study

“ I compared shame to fog, obscuring everything else, imposing only its own shapeless impression… like fog, shame distorts vision and influences what is seen… a weight, a heaviness, a burden… shame induces a wish to become invisible, unseen, to sink into the ground or to disappear into the thick soupy fog.” (Morrison, 1989)

I. The beginning

The realization of the predominance of Integrated Shame in my life happened while taking a psychoanalysis class in Chicago the summer of 2011. We read a series of psychoanalytical papers and met with the authors to discuss what they wrote. This was a class incredibly revealing for me and, thanks to it, I could finally define where my unstable personality originated.

During my first year in college, I felt a strong detachment from the people surrounding me. I behaved condescendingly around them and thought that I was never going to fit in with the college. I believe this happened because of the strong and attachment I had developed with my friends at a boarding school in India. For 10th and 11th grade, I went to a United World

College. The interesting part of this experience was that we were 200 students from over 78 different countries in the world put on top of an isolated hill in rural India. We arrived there knowing no one, missing home and seeking comfort. Our community was so small and alienated from reality, that we soon grew fond of each other and the illusion of having a young community

11 made us really idealistic and active during our stay there. The following extract of a journal that I kept during my stay in Chicago better illustrates the analysis on this matter:

“Another wound that deeply resonates within me, and that has reawakened the ‘shame’ that was suppressed in me, was my experience in India. In India I met people that touched me deeply and intensely… people with whom I formed intense and intimate relationships and in the blink of an eye, I lost them abruptly. The time and the distance are destroying these friendships and the fear of losing them completely is bringing back sentiments from my past.” - Extract from journal summer 2011

II. Discovering my unconscious

Being in a psychoanalytical mindset, I started to connect my weakness and insecurity with my early childhood and to my it made perfect sense. I am an only child from a single parent family. My mother was born deaf and my father abandoned us when I was four years old. It is in the sudden absence of my father that I find my first experience of shame. I do not have clear memories of this phase of my life, but because of my pictures and what I have been told, it seems I was very fond of him. I have blurry memories of him showering me, taking me around the park and spoiling me anytime he could. The memories with my father that are more predominant in my mind are those on his motorcycle. He always took me for short rides and he always put me in front of him, making me feel I was the one in control, that I was the one riding the bike. The three of us (mother, father and I), lived in two different houses simultaneously. We lived two weeks in my grandmother’s house and two in my father’s. This was because, although he was a charming and loving person, my father was very irresponsible and didn’t have a job. He also came from a really poor family compared to my mother’s. In addition, my mother was overprotected by her family because she was deaf so had to live in my

12 grandmother’s house. My mother’s family didn’t want him to move in because he could not offer us a stable life. They thought he was just a slacker. I remember going back and forth from one house to another and also that he visited us quite often. I don’t, however, recollect at all the day of his departure. Clearly, this was an event that marked my life, and hence being as traumatic as it was, my unconscious blocked it. I cannot recall clearly where it was, when it was and if he said anything or not. I do, however, remember that after that, during my early childhood

(kindergarten) I always felt different from all my friends, particularly around big celebrations, such as my birthday, Christmas and Father’s day. (I always found it pointless to have to make some craft for “father’s day” without anyone to give it to). An analytical interpretation of this event is better portrayed in the next passage of my journal:

“The absence of my father in my life, taking into account Kohut’s and other psychoanalytical theories, has left a deep wound in my “narcissistic self.” I cannot explain why but I know I loved him deeply. He played with me and gave me all his attention. He was for me what Kohut referred to as my “idealized parental imago.” He was the one designated to create in me a strong self, his function as a “Selfobject” was to reassure my omnipotence. Moreover, to my eyes he was omnipotent and grandiose, his only function was to take care of me and to reassure me! Hence the whole idea of “You are perfect and I am part of you.” His sudden absence, clearly left something not properly built in me, it left a hole in me. “Baby me” probably thought: What did I do? Did my father leave my mother because of me? Wasn’t I “good” enough to keep his attention on me? From that unpredicted absence is that shame started evolving in me. Further, it is from this experience that my predominant trait of insecurity was established in me. I am too insecure to focus my libido onto someone that appears in my life today. Why? Because I cannot afford that the same happens to me again, I cannot afford the unexplained, unanticipated abrupt absence of another loved one in my life.” -Extract from Journal, summer 2011

The feeling of shame prevailed in me due to this early experience of abandonment, and traumatic loss during childhood. I internalized the fact that my father left, and I took all the responsibility for it. Moreover, when my father left, I did not only lose him, but along with his absence, I lost my mother. My mother was born deaf as a result of my grandmother suffering

13 from chicken pox during her pregnancy. No one noticed her disability until she was 3 years old.

Immediately after they noticed it, my grandparents tried to “fix” her by finding a specialist that could teach her how to read lips and talk. Her disability was felt as a burden and a curse in the family. She was always externally limited in what she could do and among the eight children she was the only one that was not taught how to drive. She was always treated as someone with far fewer capacities than she actually has. I do not want to convey that my family treated my mom as “retarded”, but due to the time, culture and country where this occurred, she faced constant restrictions and discriminations. When she was in 9th grade, she was not permitted to continue her education and couldn’t graduate with the excuse that “she was not going to be able to understand the complexity of the classes due to her short understanding of the Spanish language”

(as explained to me by my aunt). Her upbringing and the culture where she was born created in my mother a deep sense of shame of her disability and a further feeling of “incompetence.” This portrays what I mentioned in the section of this paper on Origins of Shame: that the feeling of deficiency is felt only from the outside and then reflects onto one self, i.e. is internalized.

When my father left, my mother’s family thought that she was incapable of raising me alone. All of them took part in my upbringing and tried to make the absence of my father as imperceptible as possible. By underestimating my mother, the feeling of shame grew deeper inside her and I was left without what Kohut calls an “idealized parental imago” (this term will be explained later in this paper). My mother felt ashamed of not being able to be the mother she was supposed to be. My grandmother, being the strongest in the house, became both my mother’s mother and my own mother. Moreover, the older of the sisters, my aunt Margaret, decided to take responsibility for my education and any extracurricular activity payments. Since

14 then, I was the baby, the “project” of the whole family, instead of the baby of my mother. I experienced the traumatic loss of both of my parents.

III. A Split due to two different Shames

My mother’s disability and the absence of my father left me without an immediate selfobject to rely on. Just like Mrs. Y, I had no one that would talk to me about life and fulfill the functions of not only the grandiose parent but also the mirroring parents. It is not that I was left all by myself in an isolated room, but I was left without anyone to talk to and to get feedback from. My mother’s family inserted in my mind the idea that my mother was not good enough to raise me and to be my mother, and as a child, I erroneously accepted it. During my childhood I never had anyone to talk with about my problems and the things that were going on in my life:

“liking boys”, “being sad”, “friends’ fights”, and so forth. I internalized these feelings in myself and chose to not tell anyone how I felt. I became both my own father and my mother. As

Kalsched (2010) states in his book, “To have a childhood in which needs cannot be expressed to primary caretakers is tantamount to losing one’s childhood all together” (p. 20). Thus, I quickly became a grown up child, an adult kid.

Another memory that prevails in my mind is an event that occurred when I was in first grade:

“My mother sometimes came to pick me up from school after class. One day, after class was over I waited for her outside the classroom while playing with my new friends. At some point a professor pointed out to me that my mother was waiting for me rather far from the classroom. I ran to her and asked her why she hadn’t come to get me, to which she replied with tearing eyes that she didn’t want my friends to make fun of her hearing aids. Suppressing my tears, I told her that she should not , that children did not know what that was, and that it was so small that they could hardly notice it.” -Excerpt from Journal, summer 2011

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This memory shows the feeling of fear of judgment predominant in my mother’s personality. She constantly feels attacked by people, and feels not worthy enough to talk to others. As her child, and being constantly around her, I internalized all these feelings and now they are predominant in my life as well.

Shame came both from the outside perception of my mother as incapable (by her family) and from her inner perception of herself- from being ashamed of what others might think of her.

I internalized both parts of this shame and a split in my inner world took place. I further identified myself with my mother’s feelings of defectiveness, and her bad thoughts about herself;

I internalized and made them my own. With the existence of this split in my life, I started acting more like my mother’s mother, like her big sister and friend rather than her daughter. When I was in school, I constantly daydreamed that if I would have lived when my mother was in elementary school, I would have been her best friend, the one that would have always defended her, and that would have always protected her. I had decided to be her protector, and my function as her selfobject was to make her feel good whenever someone treated her badly. By internalizing both her shame and the shame of her family, I made it my responsibility to take care of her, and just as Dr. Shabad would describe it, I took over the omnipotent burden of being responsible for any failure in my life and her life.

Nevertheless, my mother’s feeling of being judged did not exist only because of the attitude of her family but also because of the attitude of the culture that we are from. Deaf people, during the time she was born, were treated as “retarded”, as people that had no capabilities to sustain themselves. They were seen, as my mother recalls, almost as monkeys.

Even when I was small, I remember walking with her and defending her and clarifying to others that she could not hear what they were saying and that was why “she didn’t walk faster” or

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“move to the other side” (when people were saying that behind her back). I also remember that I always went to the doctor, to the bank or to any appointment with her. Sometimes I was told

“you cannot be here, your mother has to be by herself” to which I replied, “But she is deaf and she needs my help to understand clearly what you say to her.” Since I was 5, I remember that my mother instructed me to pay attention to what others were saying so I could tell her what was going on. I became an extension of her, and in this way also, I internalized her shame as my own.

IV. Promoters of my Shame

The shame that I suffer was further “promoted” by other sources. My maternal family is a very demanding family and although everyone loved me, spoiled me and did the best to conceal the departure of my father, I was always under an intense pressure to not only succeed in school but also to be the best. My grandmother and my aunt were the ones putting all this pressure on me. Great grades were always expected, and whenever I got something less than an A, both, my grandmother and aunt gave me long lectures about how I had to study harder and had to be better because any flaws in my childhood could become a great obstacle in my future. This pressure somehow damaged my mirroring process. Although I was admired and affirmed I constantly faced and the fear of failure, of not being good enough for my family. The following excerpt of my journal shows clearly the way I analyze this constant pressure and frustration:

(After Dr. Peter Shabad’s lecture) Shame disables us, and although this is inevitable, we should do our best from not letting it mark us. If it does, every time one has disappointment in life, one personalizes it, and hence internalizes it. This is really true for me. Although it sounds rather depressing, after the lecture I realized that throughout my life I have internalized many things. Ever since I was little I’ve been constantly expected to be the best and to have the best grades. Although my grades were almost straight As, sometimes a B would appeared in my transcript. My grandmother and aunt, as judgmental and perfectionist as they are, used to put the most emphasis on that B, instead on all the As. The B, was what mattered, the As merely laid on the shadow of it. Nowadays, I am very judgmental about myself, I think I am not good enough, and even

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though I have good grades, I always think I can do better. I also tend to compare myself and think others are better than me. I always put intense pressure on me which I believe doesn’t help me to achieve what I want. This merely shows that, I indeed internalized the “shame” of my family. -Excerpt from Journal, Summer 2011

V. Present day

To this moment the situation remains similar. My inner world is split between what I am expected to do, and what I really want to do. My decisions have been constrained by my family’s wishes. The shame in me has let me give up on what gives me the most passion: dancing, theatre and an independent major because for them that is just a waste of time. It seems to me, that ever since I was little I have been a project in motion for my family: I took ballet classes to get a better figure, I got retainers to fix my teeth, I went to classes of etiquette to learn how to behave,

I was too fat so I got in a diet, etc. etc. This frustration and the predominance of shame in my life started to conglomerate in me until I was finally overwhelmed. At the age of 14, I decided to stop eating. At first, it was because I needed money and an easy way to get it was to not use the money for my meals in school and saved it instead. When I started losing weight I also started to get a lot of attention from my peers. That felt unusually good and interesting. In this time of my life I rebelled against my family. I finally got tired of their excessive expectations, and I decided to finally live for myself. The anorexic episodes that I experienced show how deeply shame was embedded in me. For some analysts this could reflect the need to deprive oneself from something necessary due to a feeling of unworthiness. I will not go deeply into this event because it does not pertain that much to what is presently being studied, but to mention it is essential to show how deeply shame is rooted in my life.

After two years I was able to overcome anorexia. Although I am now aware of how shame has shape my life, I can say that it has stopped me from fully developing my abilities.

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This is why I refer as an Integrated Shame. I am the type of person suffering from shame that puts a wall up to cover my weakness. I walk around giving the impression that I am a secure and strong person. I even give the impression of a “bitchy person.” It is hard for me to call someone a friend. It is necessary for me to know the person well enough and to create a deep connection that creates a solid ground and a sense of stability in order to finally that person and call her a friend. It is, however, evident that shame has clearly had a negative impact in my personality.

When I start to get to know people more intimately, I unconsciously start pointing out to myself all the bad aspects of the person to protect myself from the possibility of any abandonment. I also fear rejection and abandonment. The thought that my friends or family members don’t care about me, even though I know that they do, because of a small fight or because they didn’t talk to me for a day, makes me feel “unlovable.” It is also hard for me to transmit to someone how important and essential they are in my life. I just take it for granted that they know they are. This perhaps is the result of my experience as a little kid trying to internalize all my feelings instead of sharing them. I am very judgmental (sometimes hurting me or other people) towards my actions and my decisions. I am also like that only with my closest friends. From time to time I make a very sharp judgment which really upsets them. Finally, my most severe “symptom”, is my incapability of being physically alone in a place. The following passage of my journal will further explain this feeling:

“I carry with me an immense fear of being alone. Being physically “alone” destroys me…. It puts in me in the worst state of insecurity that one could imagine. To be physically alone for me- to be alone in a room working more than an hour, to be alone in a classroom, etc. - transcends the physical part of the fear... If I am not surrounded by people, I feel “I do not exist.” I think that “no one is thinking about me”, “no one cares about me” and that I am irrelevant.” -Excerpt from Journal, Summer 2011

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I believe that this symptom would be the hardest to overcome. After the departure of my father, I was left with a deep wound that created in me a fear of being alone. The fact that his absence was so unexpected, and that he was idealized by me, made me feel that his departure was my responsibility and that I was not good enough for him. Thus, being physically alone for me is synonymous with entire rejection and abandonment from every single person that is part of my life. My fear of being alone is also a product of my family’s reaction to make it almost impossible for me to “feel” the absence of my father. When he left, as I mentioned before, all of them took part of my upbringing, they all tried to not leave me alone and to always show me love. Thus, as I child, I might have understood that if I was left alone, I was actually abandoned.

This feeling has remained throughout my life.

Theoretical Framework for A Better Understanding of Integrated Shame

Having illustrated the experience of Integrated Shame through my personal case, it is now appropriate to investigate the approach to shame that theories highly related to the self would give: a self-psychology approach, a phenomenological approach, and intersubjective theory. Kohut’s self psychology and its concepts of idealized parental imago, selfobject, cohesive self, and narcissistic injury provide a good insight into the experience of shame.

Likewise, Jessica Benjamin’s theory of recognition, individuation and the role of the father in the development of the self also give us a better insight on how this experience is created as well as how important it is in our times. Finally, yet not less important, Frank Summers’s phenomenological approach and its emphasis on the subjective experience of individuals in the world would provide an insight into the experience of shame. Summers book provides a vast array of clinical illustrations and a thorough explanation of the psychoanalytic process which certainly provide an alternative path in which to treat Integrated Shame.

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This section will further provide insights of the way to help a patient overcome

Integrated Shame. In all, it will explore the different ways that these theories approach shame, and how by drawing from each of these theories, analysts can better understand their patients and most importantly provide them with tools that will help them overcome such sentiment.

Heinz Kohut and Self Psychology

Because shame is experienced in relation to self-judgments, self-reproach and is highly connected to the self, it has a clearly defined place in Kohut’s self psychology. Not only the emphasis on the concept of the “self”, but also the Kohutian selfobject is useful in assisting our understanding of shame. Furthermore, the self psychological terms “parental imago”, “mirroring parent”, “selfobject”, “cohesive”, “narcissistic rage” among others give a better insight to the origins of shame.

Morrison (1983) believes that, although not explicitly presented, Kohut says a great deal about shame. He does not refer, however, to the concept of shame per se, but uses terms such as

‘defective self’, ‘guiltless despaired’, ‘disturbed self-’ and ‘nameless shame’ to refer to it. Kohut discusses shame in relation to both the ego ideal and the narcissistic self. Kohut defines the “narcissistic self” as the source of ambition, and the wish to be looked at and admired. Shame appears when the ego cannot provide enough discharge to satisfy the exhibitionistic demands of the narcissistic self.

Kohut’s theory begins with a selfless neonate that is pre-adapted for a specific physical environment and has all the features needed to form a self. Kohut further states that the emerging self-structure is a “bipolar structure”, which simply means that it is divided into two poles: the pole of our ambitions and the pole of our ideals. These two poles are established at the very

21 beginning of our childhood and, if the self is consolidated firmly, they form a “cohesive self.”

According to Kohut, the child has two chances in the establishment of a healthy and cohesive self. If neither of these two opportunities is achieved properly, severe trauma and self-pathology occur. These two chances are the merging of the two selfobjects that are crucial to obtain experiences to establish a cohesive grandiose-exhibitionist self, and the idealized parent imago.

A clear understanding of what selfobject is, and its role in our life according to self -psychology will help us understand Kohut’s self-psychology, and further delineate the origins of shame.

Selfobjects are functions that objects partake in that are crucial in our life and are experienced as part of our self. It is important to clarify that a selfobject is not actually an object or a person, but a function. Selfobjects can thus be understood as “selfobject experiences.” In my own case, my father had failed to take on his function as an idealized parent imago. Yet, the presence of my extended family after his absence, and of course, the presence of my mother allowed me to form a somewhat weak, “cohesive self”, which is what individuals suffering Integrated Shame have.

Mirroring selfobjects are those who respond and confirm the baby’s greatness and perfection. They reassure babies that they are omnipotent and grandiose. The idealized parental imago is the person(s) whom the baby perceives as perfect and grandiose, and with whom the baby will identify, because she perceives this imago as being there for her only (“You are perfect and I am part of you”). In other words, the idealized parental imago is the image of a perfect other with whom one could merge with. Most important, the idealized parental imago will be a source of strength, , reassurance, and power. Many of the elements of our “self” are acquired in the relationship with those persons that we experience as the above mentioned type of selfobjects.

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Depending on the quality of this first interaction between the child and these selfobjects, the self will emerge either with a firm and cohesive structure or with a severely or diffusely damaged structure. In my own case for instance, a faulty interaction occurred between my idealized parental imago (father) and I. With my father departure, the person whom I idealized and perceived as perfect and a part of me left; this further created in me a faulty experience of self. This is a clear illustration of how Integrated Shame emerges. Integrated Shame occurs due to the lack of joyful responses to the child’s existence, and the assertiveness from the selfobject to idealization. In more severe cases, the baby could be completely deprived of the existence of a selfobject that would take the function of the idealized adult. The child, therefore, would be deprived of an appropriate merger, which would further fragment the self because of the lack of a strong pole of ambitions. This is the reason why my inner world is split in two, and why I have not been able to stand strongly to what I want and what I believe. The lack of a strong pole of ambitions fragmented myself, and has until now made me a woman submissive to my family’s will.

It is now clear that shame in a child arises due to the failure in the father or mother as an idealized selfobject. This, however, could be an unconscious act by the parents. Kohut believes that it is not so much what a parent does that influences our personality and gives shape to our

“self”, but actually what parents “are.” Hence, the shame in the child could reflect inadequacies in the structure of the parent’s self. This is what happened in my situation. My mother’s self is fragment given the shame that she experiences herself. Thus, once my father was gone, the potentiality of my mother to take over the function of my idealizable selfobject did not succeed, given her own injuries. If the parents’ self is cohesive and healthy, on the one hand, then their self- is secure and they can provide the proud exhibitionism and acceptance that the

23 child needs. In addition, the child can relate to them and feel secure and grateful. If, on the other hand, the parent’s self is fragmented and not cohesive enough, the child will not have anyone to idealize or feel comfortable with. The child will evolve with an inadequate response to his ambitions and ideals, which will ultimately give place to his sense of a depleted self. (Kohut and

Wolf, 1978).

Moreover, a child who experiences a defective relationship with the idealized parental imago will not develop a strong cohesive nuclear self. Kohut defines the nuclear self as

“composed of derivatives of the grandiose self (i.e., of the central self-assertive goals, purpose and ambitions) and of derivatives of the idealized parent imago (i.e., of the central idealized values)” (Kohut, 1985, p. 10). The nuclear self is what drives us and leads us in life to achieve our deepest ambitions and ideals. In other words, the nuclear self is the “structurally most centrally located self which has the most influence on our personality” (Kohut, 1985, p. 26). If the nuclear self is ashamed, the individual will not have a strong sense of how to lead his/her life, and at times will feel lost. It is important to clarify that for Kohut, we have more than a single self. Instead, he believes that we have “different selves, each of them a lasting psychological configuration, each experienced as absolute and as the centre of the personality, not only in different agencies of the mind but also side by side within the same agency” (Kohut,1985, p.33).

Yet, the nuclear self is what brings together the different selves that we have within us. If one is not able to develop a strong nuclear self, such as the case of individuals suffering from

Integrated Shame, individuals would have a hard time tolerating the active creative conflict of his/her inconsistent and various selves.

Therefore, the key to being a healthy individual is to be able to feel cohesive, to have all our “selves” and inner world connected to each other, which develops from having a mature

24 relationship with selfobjects. Kohut will define this state as “mature narcissism.” The person suffering from Integrated Shame, just as illustrated in my own case study, is unable to have a mature and healthy relationship with the idealized parental imago, consequently she struggles to achieve the state of mature narcissism. The idealized parental imago is precisely the selfobject that carries “the original narcissistic perfection and omnipotence, omniscience, and perfection of the superego” (Kohut, 1985). Thus, the feeling of shame that arises due to the faulty function of the idealized parental imago as a selfobject will further create a disturbance of the narcissist balance. After my father left when I was a child, I experienced what Kohut defines as a

“narcissistic injury” and because of it I have become a narcissistically vulnerable person. Due to the faulty interaction with my father, I was unable to internalize the feeling of perfection needed to create a mature narcissistic self. As the result of this narcissistic injury, I suffered from low self-esteem, and it is hard for me to experience a feeling of success.

A narcissistic injury can be understood as a perceived threat to the self-esteem that was experienced during the first years of life but that remains throughout life and it is translated into increased sensitivity to disappointments and an extreme difficulty in dealing with real or imagined failures. In the case of a child who experiences Integrated Shame, this narcissist injury emerges when the idealized parental imago fails to recognized her actions in a positive way. The experience of narcissistic injury culminates in narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage is experienced internally by the shamed person and is related to its frustration and need to exert complete control of their environment and their experience of the self. According to Kohut, this rage includes the need for revenge, for undoing a hurt and in the most extreme cases, for the total extinction of the “enemy.” This narcissistic rage also involves a feeling of self-protection and preservation, serving to restore a sense of safety by destroying that which is threatening the self.

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In the case of Integrated Shame, narcissistic rage is the result of the shame at being faced with failure, at being unable to keep up with the parent’s ideals. Through narcissistic rage, individuals who suffer from Integrated Shame attempt to take revenge on the other who ignored them and devaluated them, and ultimately to rebuild their own sense of self-worth. I believe that given the penchant of individuals suffering from Integrated Shame to hide, individuals would direct such rage inward and would at times feel frustrated with who they are and even with the feelings of unworthiness that they may experience at times. Precisely because of this, only through therapy will individuals discover and understand the rage that they are repressing and towards whom they are repressing it. Yet, given the fact that this is a less severe manifestation of shame, individuals will not experience an extreme and obvious manifestation of rage, which further creates complications for its discovery and treatment.

Jessica Benjamin’s Intersubjective Theory of Shame

Jessica Benjamin expands Kohut’s theory of the formation of a healthy self by emphasizing that in order for the neonate to successfully become a self it must recognize the selfobject as a subject itself. Benjamin further breaks down the creation of the self in the process of affirmation, recognition and differentiation. It is only through the affirmation of others that the child starts creating a self, through recognition that the child solidifies a stronger self and ultimately the child differentiates herself from others, creating an individual self. Benjamin’s insight introduces the idea that shame is, in fact, experienced through the interaction with the other. The idealized parental imago fails to recognize and affirm the child’s individual self, yet the child is able to recognize the other as a subject. It is in this recognition from the child, and the failed recognition from the selfobject that the feeling of shame in the child emerges. That is

26 exactly what happened to me. I recognized my father as a subject, yet through his decision to leave abruptly, he failed to recognize and affirm me as my own “self.”

Benjamin defines this view of the individual self as growing in and through the relationship to the other subjects as an intersubjective view. The intersubjective perspective reorients the conception of the psychic world “from a subject’s relations to its object towards a subject meeting another subject.” (Benjamin, 1988, p.20) For Benjamin, recognition is like sunlight and provides the essential energy that the baby needs to form and create a strong self.

Recognition is not only about the other’s confirming response, but also about how we find ourselves in that response. In all, the intersubjective approach suggests that the balance of the self depends on the mutual recognition between self and other. Mutual recognition is the most vulnerable point in the process of differentiation and thus in the formation of the child’s self. In the case of shame, the child does not feel recognized by the other, yet recognizes the other and thus feels unworthy and unappreciated. “If the other denies me recognition, my acts have no meaning” (Benjamin, 1988, p.53), thus, just as in my own experience, the child feels that there is no point to aspire for recognition, and most importantly starts experiencing her self as faulty. In other words, my feeling of unworthiness, started to develop with my father departure, which I understood as his ultimate failure to recognize my own self. Another case where the child will experience a lack of recognition is if the idealized parental imago has a fragmented or weak self.

Benjamin states that “a mother who is too depressed by her cannot get excited about her child learning to work or talk (Benjamin, 1988, p.24)” and thus, she cannot give the child the recognition that he/she needs due to her own lack of a strong independent identity. Only if the mother is an independent other the child will be able to differentiate itself and thus create a strong self. If the mother does not have a strong independent identity, then mutual recognition

27 cannot take place, and the child won’t be able to differentiate herself from the mother and thus would create a weak self. Again, this is illustrated in my own case. My mother did not have a strong independent identity and thus, I was left without anyone to take on the role of my idealized parental imago, which ultimately translated to Integrated Shame.

Intersubjective theory is also concerned with how the other gives the opportunity for the child to become an independent self. The theory argues that the “other plays an active part in the struggle of the individual to creatively discover and accept reality” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 45). The child would be able to form and consolidate her separate mind if she is able to venture into the world, while at the same time counting on the mother for recognition and affirmation. Hence, another form in which the feeling of shame could arise in a child is by having an overtly protective parent. If a parent does not allow the child to do things independently it will make the child believe that “the price of freedom is aloneness, or even that freedom is not possible”

(Benjamin, 1988, p.35). In other words, the child does not believe that she will be able to gain recognition for her own independent acts and self, and thus chooses to deny and feel ashamed of her self. Shame is thus experienced when the child attempts to achieve independence from the mother and he/she is not positively recognized by the mother. In this instance, the child would suffer from feelings of aloneness and abandonment and would ultimately develop a rather submissive and complaint self. In other words, the child will feel that her world is not hers, but her mother’s (or the idealized parental imago) and hence throughout her development she will feel like an extension of her. In my case, however, it was not only my mother who did not allow me to do things independently but also my extended family did. Thinking that the abrupt absence of my father would traumatize me, my mother’s extended family made an extra effort to be always around me, so I would not feel his absence. They also did not let me do things

28 independently. Even when growing up, I not only had to ask my mom for permission, but also my grandmother and my aunt. Thus, I am currently experiencing a hard process of independence, in that my self is still split and not strong enough to feel that I am able to independently gain recognition. However, my recognition of this is the first step to overcoming it.

An important aspect of Benjamin’s theory that reveals more to us about the experience of

Integrated Shame is the fact that the infant achieves its unique self by overcoming the primary identification with the mother and exchanging it for one with her father. This creates an obstacle for girls, in that they do not require a shift in identification away from the mother. Girls are at a disadvantage because they do not “possess an obvious way of disidentifying from the mother, no hallmark of separateness” (Benjamin, 1988, p.78). Thus, the girl must attempt to become her own feminine self by identifying with her father. The mother becomes the depriving figure and the father, that of desire. Fathers are seen not only as the way into differentiation, but are also experienced by both boys and girls as “the original representative of excitement and otherness”

(Benjamin, 1988, p.105).

In our society, there certainly exists an asymmetry in the father’s interaction with boys from that with girls. This, Benjamin believes, is a consequence of female mothering. “Fathers often prefer their boy infants, and as infants respond in turn to parental cues, boy infants tend to form an intense bond with their father” (Benjamin, 1988, p.109). In addition, the father recognizes himself in his son and sees him as the ideal boy that he would have been. Yet, the case is the opposite with the daughter due to the father’s own “disidentification” with his own mother. The father’s “continuing need to assert difference from women, make it more difficult for him to recognize his daughter as he recognizes his son” (Benjamin, 1988, p.109). Thus, the fact that the girl’s identification with the father is typically refused also implies that shame is

29 most likely experienced by girls than by boys. In other words, in our society, the likelihood of experiencing Integrated Shame falls much more in girls than boys because they are given inadequate opportunities of separation. Little girls seek identification from their father because it represents their move away from infant dependency to the great outside. Yet, the father would find it difficult to identify with the daughter because of his own rejection of his mother.

Consequently, just as Benjamin’s points out, we see that “little girls cannot or may not use their connection with their father, in either its defensive or constructive aspect” (Benjamins, 1988, p.

109). The difficulty of separating from the mother that girls experience could further intensify the feeling of being unworthy and thus, make girls in our society more prone to experiencing both shame and Integrated Shame. I will argue that in my case, my father’s departure was so important in my life and in defining my experience of the self, because he represented a fail move away from my mother. In his departure, he did not only leave me but I had to face the inability to separate from my mother again. More so, he also weakened my mom’s already fragmented self, and thus left us both feeling even more unworthy.

Frank Summers’s Phenomenological Approach

Frank Summers draws considerably from the theories of the self and its experience in the world of Kohut, Benjamin, and Heidegger to form his own understanding of psychoanalysis and psychoanalytic process. I will say that his theory of the self, as well as shame, draws from and in some way clarified Kohut’s theory. He agrees with Kohut that the child’s self emerges through the interaction with selfobjects, yet he emphasizes the importance of Benjamin’s expansion on such theory by adding on the idea that in order for the child to fully form the self, he must recognize the other as a subjective self too. In other words he criticizes self psychology; the other must be seen as a subject in her own right, and not only as a potential source of for the

30 self. Summers’s approach is a phenomenological one, and his theory focuses on the idea that psychoanalysis and therapy are about the experiencing self. He draws from Heidegger’s theory by focusing his psychoanalytic approach to the phenomenological finding that “the human being is uniquely characterized by relating to the world, rather than occupying a point in space”

(Summers, 2013, p.181). He borrows Heidegger’s concept of “Being-in-the-world”, and suggests that it is precisely in this way that psychoanalysts should conduct therapy. For Summers a phenomenological approach changes the previous psychoanalytic approach in that it erases the distinction between inside and outside. Summers believe that to designate our inner world

(fantasies and dreams) apart from our outside world (real life) is to cut off the individual the world and then attempt to reunite what, according to him, should never have been split. Thus according to him, psychoanalysis and the study of the self have to focus on the experience of the subjective self and its relation to other subjective selves.

Likewise, Summers emphasizes the importance of the mutuality between empathy and the growth of the self. In fact, he refers to mutual recognition as “empathic recognition.” He states that “the recognition of the other as a separate source of experience is inherently pleasurable and promotes the growth of the self” (Summers, 2013, p.37). Thus, individuals suffering from shame due to a faulty interaction with their first selfobject, Summers would argue, remain in an omnipotent world unable to benefit from other subjects, which will consequently make them unable “to develop a sense of themselves as subjects in a world of others subjects”

(Summers, 2013, p.37). An important aspect that Summers’s theory emphasizes is the importance that our past, our present and our future play in the creation of ourselves. Summers borrowed from Heidegger’s theory that: “in our relationship to the world, we bring forth its

31 possibilities, and in this process, we discover who we are and who we can become” (Summers,

2013, p.143).

Summers also uses a great portion of his book The Psychoanalytic Vision to explain his concept and understanding of analysis theoretically and through clinical illustrations. This, together with his emphasis on the subjective experience of the self in relation to the subjective other provides us with a considerable amount of information from which to further explore a possible way that a psychoanalytic process could help an individual suffering from Integrated

Shame to overcome it. The fact that his theory is highly influenced by both Kohut’s self- psychology as well as Benjamin’s intersubjective approach provide an expanded way of treating the experience of shame as analysed earlier in the paper. In fact, it is because Summer’s approach resembles so greatly a Kohutian self-psychology approach that it is helpful to use a phenomenological approach for the treatment of Integrated Shame.

Conclusion: A Phenomenological Treatment of Integrated Shame

As mentioned elsewhere on this paper, the affect of shame creates many obstacles that make it harder to treat or even to perceive it. Integrated Shame is even more difficult to discern than a more severe or developed type of shame because of how well disguised it is in one’s personality. Indeed, shame motivates patients to cover up, to hide, to withdraw, or to deny its existence. The first step to treat shame, as with most narcissistic disorders, is for the patients, with or without an analyst, to realize and assimilate its predominance in their life. The patient must become conscious and to a certain extent take responsibility of the existence of shame, and all the symptoms that come along with it. It is because of this, that I believe that a phenomenological approach could prove appropriate to the treatment of Integrated Shame.

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Summers believes that in order for analysis to be effective “the concentrated focus of analytic therapy must be consistent recognition and illumination of the experiencing subject in its ever expanding varieties of experiences” (Summers, 2013, p.18). Summers develops this by saying that the analyst should take a stance towards the patient experience and say “all is meaningful, and much meaning is hidden, but detectable, and new forms of meaning are possible” (Summers, 2013, p.27). Analysts hence should use recognition and affirmation to lead the patient through what they are experiencing and to allow them to understand that there are other ways to perceive their reality. Summer refers to this as a psychoanalytic process that is evocative rather than reductive. The evocative approach “expands the patient’s experience beyond historical patterns to stimulate new ways of experiencing and creating new meaning”

(Summers, 2013, p. 82). In other words, the psychoanalytic process helps the patient overcome the reified limits within which she/he lives her life and experiences being.

For individuals suffering from Integrated Shame, firstly, the detection of such sentiment might take a significant amount of time. This is due to patients needing to hide their feeling of shame in some cases by displaying a sense of grandiosity. The breaks in empathy and recognition from the idealized parental imago, robbed the patient’s self of experiences that could foster her growth, and ultimately stimulated self-protective responses that would remain throughout her life, such as grandiosity, and . Summers points out that when the patient uses grandiosity, the analyst can see the “patient’s around vulnerability and the need to overcome psychic with a self-gratifying bath of grandiose beliefs about herself”

(Summers, 2013, p.100). Summers encourages the analyst to recognize and appreciate the patient’s effort and ability to access positive experiences of herself and its potential to master negative affects. In other words, the analyst must not point out that the display of grandiosity is a

33 way to hide negative feelings, but rather should use them as a way to show the patient that they are indeed worthy persons. Once the analyst and the patient discuss the feelings of grandiosity, the patient might start talking about her actual feelings of loneliness, abandonment, depression, and her need to hide such feelings through presenting herself with an overtly high self-esteem.

Nevertheless, the need to hide, and the feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and the idea of her self as an extension of the idealized parental imago that a person who suffers from Integrated

Shame experiences can become an occlusion of the new possibilities. The role of the analyst when the symptoms become an obstacle is to serve as a guide to help the patient understand that her past is still affecting her present and ultimately “understand and resolve a problematic future perfect, a dread of what her life is becoming and what they might be at the moment” (Summers,

2013, p.122).

The goal of analytic understanding is to break down the historical patterns so that they can be replaced with new, more productive ways of being and relating in this world of others.

This is the delicate task of the analysts as it is her who has to recognize other possibilities that are not visible to the patient. Furthermore, the process could also be difficult because of the existence of the “self-care system” mentioned by Donald Kalsched. The function of this system is to attach the feeling of “dangerous” to anything foreign for the patient. Thus, analysis of a person suffering from Integrated Shame would attempt to liberate the patient from the reifying structure in which her feeling of shame have imprisoned her self, and her way of relating to the world. A person suffering from Integrated Shame, would need to transcend her feelings of abandonment, and her fear being alone due to feeling her self as an extension of the idealized parental imago through therapy.

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The analytic approach of Summers would potentially identify the nuclear self of the

Integrated Shame person, resist her tendency to disown it and show new possibilities to form a stronger nuclear self. It is important to clarify that Summers fully adopts a Kohutian definition of nuclear self. Thus, the goal of therapy will be to heal the narcissistic injury that shame has instilled in the patient and to allow the patient to identify, recognize and understand the narcissistic rage that might be deep inside of her. The recognition of this narcissistic rage will reveal to her the feeling of aggression that she might have been repressing and towards whom they were repressing it. The individual suffering from Integrated Shame might also discover here the origins of her narcissistic injury and rage and therefore would understand the origins of the feelings of aggression that he might be exerting towards herself. Here, the analyst should recognize and assert the patient’s feelings while at the same time guide her to new possibilities to create a stronger self. In other words, the patient will experience what she lacked in her childhood: recognition and affirmation, and thus she will feel noticed and worthy.

Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to break through the limited and constraining experience of the shamed self and allow the patient to understand that she has the capacity to change who she is and who she is going to become. The is for the patient to become aware of the subtleties of her shamed experiences and to focus on and embrace the experiential shifts of her self that therapy might bring forth. The goal is for the patient to become attuned to her/psychic state so that her life becomes an expression of experience in the interpersonal world.

At the end of therapy, the patient herself should be able to find creative solutions to emotional dilemmas. For individuals suffering from Integrated Shame, this would allow them to have a more complete and cohesive normal life. The restoration of their nuclear self would allow them to feel secure about how to lead their life and to further tolerate the active creative conflict of her

35 various selves. The affirmation and recognition of their self as separate from that of their idealized parental imago, would allow them to feel independent, and more so, will enable them to understand that freedom is possible. Most importantly, they will be able to be at peace with their self, and hence they will be able to experience loneliness in a positive way.

In my case for example, being the one treating myself, I had to understand that “failing” is normal, that being “perfect” is unattainable and that the persons that care for me actually do. I try to remember compliments and achievements more than I remember disappointments.

Nevertheless, sometimes I diverge. Therapy is indeed necessary for the completion of this treatment. Yet, as I said before, this is merely the first phase of it; it is merely the start of a long journey to discover my unconscious.

I have, in this paper, explored the history of shame as it is brought up by various psychoanalytical thinkers. Shame has had an interesting development in psychoanalysis as it seems to have followed the path of a sinusoidal wave, it first had a preeminent position, following which it went underground. However, it reemerged again, and now, it has finally found stability. Moreover, I have introduced, through my own case, a new experience of shame. I define this experience as Integrated Shame. Integrated Shame is a more tolerable affect that integrates with the self of the person suffering from it. Just as in my case, the person is able to have a normal life but at times suffers from deeply painful feelings of loneliness, abandonment and emptiness. It is due the fact that this feeling manages to integrate so well in the person’s life, that Integrated Shame is harder for the psychoanalyst to discern and to treat.

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