THE S S A X E

y CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT T add A TRAVESTY D ISSUE X E T TRAVESTY editor-in-chief David Strauss Alex Basker Guy who lies about his spring break experience Editor-In-Chief Ross Luippold Texas Travesty: How was your spring TT: Did you get any souvenirs? at my parent’s house all day watching FEATURES editor bradley Jackson Turn-offs: Fat chicks, Managing Stephen Short break? AB: Hell yeah—I got this badass MTV Spring Break and going shopping EdNEWitoS rsEDITOR Kathryn Edwards Alex Basker: Fucking insane! I got tribal tat like the one Vin Diesel had with my parents. Like that would ever isolation, paleness, World of Thejaswi Maruvada Warcraft, cellulite, running DESIGN EDITOR matt Hutcheson so . We went to Señor Frog’s in XXX. I’ve seen that movie like happen anyway. design director Matt Hutcheson and the shot girl was hookin’ us up all 20 times…not during spring break out of beer, PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen night. Me and my met up through because that’s when I was probing ques- Associate Matt Ingebretson Turn-ons: binge drinking, ARTEdit oEDrITOR Chris Friend with these four smokin’- having sex. recreational drug use and casual tions, tearful Lead designer Alyssa Peters hot sorority girls from U TT: What was your favorite part of sex [citation needed], tig-O-bities, masturbation, associate Sara Kanewske editors Stephen Short of F, took them back to spring break? lots of pussies (vaginas), drunken condoms, Publicity Sara Nienkerk our all-inclusive resort, AB: Definitely the fucking.I Zak Kinnaird un-protected sexual encounters, Street PUBLICITY Sabrina Abdulla and sexed the shit out of had so much sex with so many Michael Prohaska Fighter Erica Grundish them. All I know is that I girls I can’t seven-ways, blow-jobs, Frisbee, the biggest fuckin shark ever, paraglid- 4, girls W eb TEAM ChelseySara NDelaneyienkerk defi- even re- Gatlin Johnson nitely member. I ing, bungee jumping, banana ham- that writing staff mike Faerber wasn’t had to buy mocks, mud wrestling, underage don’t Writing Staff DanKelsey Treadway Lamb stuck at two boxes drinking, tattoos, purple drank put out RossMatt L uippoldLester my par- of condoms. AustinJon P resleyNeal Stephen Stecker ent’s house It was a lot Laura Schulman playing Halo.. better than if I Malcolm Wardlaw design staff Mark Estrada had gotten stuck Design Staff Libby Sanders administrative JessicaH enryGrantham Baker and-coming indie artists such as Third Eye sadness when your bracket doesn’t go as assistants KathrynJulia Iacoviello Beasley Blind, Kanye West, and Metallica. planned, and will eventually evolve into JacquelineMatty F itzgeraldGreene • Despite current economic trends, vacant March manic depression once you realize A dministrative RachelJon Colson Neal electrical outlets on the third floor of the that your life has devolved into analyzing A ssistants MichaelKyle PKilloughrohaska around PCL are still valued in the millions. fantasy brackets. DavidLara Schwartz Grant • This is a call reminding you that your car • Who wants to go to Mexico, get fucked up, SuzanneGreg LSmithewis warranty has expired. This is a call reminding check some hot babes in thongs, and get C.J. Cervantes campus you that your car warranty has expired. This captured and shot by a drug lord for spring CARTOONIST Kate L Eesleyrgenbright Dixon is a call reminding you that your car warranty break? Hannah Oley • If you like mozzarella sticks, ranch dress- has expired. This is a call reminding you that • Yes, it’s really important that our PowerPoint Sarah Greene ing, french fries, gyro meat, tatziki, chicken your car warranty has expired. have a unique looking template. contact fingers, and bacon all on one sandwich, we • Goodbye tights, hello legs! Oh God! I • Girls look soooo pale in that picture, and phone 512-471-7898 know the perfect place for you — The Texas haven’t shaved in two months. really need to lay out. email [email protected] State Cemetery. • Before you let someone look up something • Asher Roth has single-handedly delegiti- web www.texastravesty.com • Gross, Liam wore the same shirt for like, on your iPhone, be sure you erase “footjobs” mized rap music, white people, the institu- two weeks. mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin from your search bar. tion of higher education. p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Intolerance is always looked down upon in • I haven’t been this upset about a Facebook layout • This droll bullshit isn’t going to tweet itself Austin. Unless it’s directed towards lactose. change since the last Facebook layout change. #mentalmasturbation editors emeritus Then you have a hip and trendy dietary • Metro Rail? More like Metro FAIL! • I bless thee for spewing mucus. Kevin Butler Trevor Rosen Kevin1997 Butler Todd2001-2003 Ross need. • March madness quickly turns into March • Yesterday I died. FML 1997 Nienkerk Brad Butler Todd N2003-2005ienkerk • SXSW is a great place to discover tons of up- 1997-2000Brad Butler 2003-2005 1997-2000 Kristin Hillery Ben Stroud Kristin2005-2006 Hillery 2000-2001Ben Stroud 2005-2006 2000-2001 David Strauss legaleseTrevor Rosen 2006-2007 2001-2003 The Texas Travesty is theVeronica student humor Hansen pub- 40acres411 lication at the University of Texas2007-2008 at Austin, Spring is finally here and the air bringing one of the lovely ladies in on her just as she was reach- published monthly by the permanent and legalesecontributing staff. The Travesty is a work of is full of pollen, newly cut grass, home, Bret was in for quite a ing climax! Even more unfortu- (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where publicThe Texas figures Travesty are involved,is the student characters humor are pubnot- and freshman pheremones. At surprise when he discovered nate, Melissa was using Jamie’s basedlication on at any the real University person. Any of Texasresemblence at Austin, to anypublished persons monthly living or bydead the is coincidental. permanent The and least that’s what Julia Denners this stripper had a pole of her electric toothbrush to massage viewscontributing expressed staff. in The the Travesty dois anot work reflect of found when she came back own! those hard to reach places! the(hopefully) views of humorous Texas Student fiction. P ublications,Except where the Universitypublic figures of Texasare involved, at Austin characters or pretty are much not from Spring Break with a great On the subject of celestial Looks like someone’s crest was anyone.based on All any material real person. printed Any is propertyresemblence of the to Travestyany persons. The livingTexas orTravesty dead isis notcoincidental. intended Thefor tan and lots of awesome pic- body parts, Greg Barn’s hair- fully cleaned! viewsreaders expressed under 18 in yearsthe Travesty of age, do regardless not reflect of tures. Too bad some of the pics line, much like the moon, is be- While we’re talking about the pretty views pictures. of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much from her Wet- T-Shirt Competi- ginning to show its first quarter. cleaning, Matt Hollis cleaned anyone. All material printed is property of the Travestyshout. The outzTexas Travesty to... is not intended for tion are circulating around the As hard as he may try to comb up in his March Madness bracket readers under 18 years of age, regardless of blogosphere. Now everyone on it over, it is no use denying that and won his bet with fraternity the pretty pictures. campus has seen HER spheres! the barren white surface, much brother Kyle Wolitzer. Too shout outz to... Speaking of geometric shapes, like a lunar cycle, will soon be bad Matt didn’t know that while Thanks for coming in guyz!; Thej checking on the writ- Brett Walver thought he was full! he was watching all that college er’s room every 34 minutes; These black robes are fuck- ing expensive; That brown thing is not a couch; Don’t a Spring Break god after he had Not as full as Melissa Fort basketball Kyle was cleaning up Read Our Interview With forget that you owe Zak money staff; Taj Mahal; Pie Guys his cylinder groped by three was last week though when her with his girlfriend Shelly Ha- is straight out of a sitcom; ; Remember Star when we were going to get this issue done early?; Good hot strippers at a club. Upon roommate Jamie Parce barged zel, in bed! ol’ Fritz; Tsatziki; Living life zesty; Fresh mozzarella and pepperoni all the way next time; Matt’s relatives still Doug Benson On p. 16 can’t get enough of that Seinfeld; We’re still mildly an- noyed at Jon for keeping us up on the camping trip; York Cover Right-Wing Libby Sanders Zak’s Campaign Thejaswi Maruvada Doug Benson Frost Bank Peppermint Patties; C.J. double stuffs; We still need to MARCH Matt Hutcheson Displays Staff Alyssa Peters Stephen Short Ross Luippold Matt Ingebretson write 5 more around campii; phallus; Kim Kattari; Matt Matty Green Julia Iacoviello Ross Luippold Alyssa Peters Alyssa Peters Hutcheson fixes 40acres411 and is a hero; also, Larry 2009 Matt Ingebretson Centerspread Zak Kinnaird Comic David Strohl Hutcheson IS the best dad in the world; watching the Daddies Matt Hutcheson Matt Ingebretson Kid’s Journal city burn from the rooftop; Evan Pearson; Whitney’s thumb; the Racquetball n’ Ribz Gala; What the FUCK Staff Guitarists Staff Sad Libs Julia Iacoviello Hoo-Ha Ad Stephen Short William Powers!?; Doughballs need chocolate sauce credits Alyssa Peters Jessica Grantham Alyssa Peters Matt Hutcheson © 20072009 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,00022,500 ZESTY FOR LIFE since 1997 NEWS • 3 Infamous “Armrest Bandit” remains at large Inconvenience peddler causes moderate discomfort for University students

Michael Prohaska by the “Desktop Desperado,” who here on campus, so we are tak- staff writer have experienced trauma, fear, and ing this situation very seriously,” general feelings of discomfort be- explained UTPD Chief Robert CAMPUS—The notorious “Armrest cause of the suspect’s selfish actions. Dahlstrom as he diverted all police Bandit” continued his spree of in- resources to the capturing of the convenience Thursday by infiltrating “Our number one suspect and procuring confection- several campus buildings and stak- ary baked goods. “Despite all of his ing his claim to one or both of the concern is the classroom atrocities, that wily bandit armrests located beside each lecture has even been seen driving 50 miles hall seat. Following his fourth strike safety and security per hour in the fast lane and park- this month, University students of our students ing in A-permit only spots prior to have expressed their helplessness in 5:45. Frankly, he disgusts me. I really preventing him from annexing their here on campus, want to vomit everywhere.” forearm’s real estate. Even local business employees are “Oh, it’s terrible, just terrible,” be- so we are taking feeling the burn from the suspect’s moaned engineering sophomore latest crime spree. Austin Java baris- Amber Talbor, who was struck by this situation very ta Stephen Tram has encountered the suspect in her 8 a.m. calculus seriously.” the bandit first hand and wishes that class last Tuesday. “First, he walked someone would put an end to the in late and forced everyone in my According to police reports, the vagrant’s reckless behavior. row to stand up so he could slide freebooter has engaged in such acts “He walks in all nondescript, and ■ The Armrest Bandit has tired elbows.Photo Travesty into his seat. And when he sat down as hogging both fold-out desks, put- then takes 25 minutes to order a next to me, he rested his entire left ting his feet on the back of other single drink: an organic mocha the horrible attack. “Why me? Why chunky white male wearing a hoodie forearm on my right armrest. How student’s seats, and even taking up frap, half skim, easy-stir, light syrup, now? What on Earth did I possibly sweater with jeans, or a T-shirt with was I supposed to take intensive excessive armrest space in non-Uni- double shot Fair Trade Venti. Peo- do to deserve this kind of social dis- khaki shorts. Anyone with informa- notes on circuit building when I was versity settings such as local movie ple started getting slightly agitated comfort? I’ve never been so incon- tion as to his whereabouts is advised forced to write with my left hand?” theaters and restaurants. and demanding service and stuff,” venienced in my entire life.” to shut the hell up and deal with it UTPD has received numerous “Our number one concern is the explained Tram as his coworkers Witnesses have described the yourself. complaints from students affected safety and security of our students comforted him ever so gently after “Armrest Bandit” as a 5’10” or 5’11” Archeologists delighted by discovery of gross, decaying corpse Matt Ingebretson remains of a dead mammal whose steadily building, as museum associate editor fetid stench permeated throughout curators around the country the entire building. are clamoring to exhibit the CAMBRIDGE, MA—After un- While the chief archeologist has cadaver during its nation- earthing the burial ground of the made headway in discovering more wide tour, most claiming that long-lost pharaoh, Tusmosis IV, about the sickening body, he is run- the hideous, decomposing near Cairo, Harvard archeology ning into roadblocks, such as inac- organic material would be an professor Dr. Mike Oppenheim was curate carbon dating, the difficulty incredible addition to their thrilled when he opened the rotting in keeping the fragile remains intact, prestigious institutions. casket, revealing a rancid, nauseat- and preventing the janitors from “We are thrilled at the op- ing corpse. putting it in the dumpster during portunity to present the dis- Instead of disposing of the remains covery to the public,” said that are now unrecognizable as hu- “Now it’s time Noah Ambler, curator for the man, Oppenheim transported the Houston Museum of Natural sarcophagus to his lab in the U.S., to get my hands Science who is prepared to claiming that the sickening, loosely- pay hundreds of thousands of held-together composition of flesh dirty and discover dollars for the abomination and post-mortem excrement “will of a human body. “Just see- enlighten the scientific community a thing or two ing it sends chills of excite- about the burial practices of ancient about our ancient ment down my spine. Who civilizations.” wouldn’t want to witness such ■ After handling the rotten, putrid flesh, a celebratory trip “The airtight seal on this tomb pre- an amazing piece of history?” counterparts.” to CiCi’s was in order. Photo Travesty served the cadaver incredibly well Remarkably, Ambler avoid- and bones of extinct considering how old it is,” said Op- their nightly cleanings. ed vomiting in his mouth, as with the intention of drawing the lizards. “I hope that penheim of the corpse that currently Despite these setbacks, Oppen- people often do, after witnessing the few people who were not shaken to this one is just as enriching as the more resembles a rancid hyena car- heim has gleaned important insights vulgar atrocity. the core at the site of it. exhibit of all of the dead, stuffed ani- cass than that of a Homo sapien. from the cadaver, including its last The decaying carcass, which was Counter to any sort of logical rea- mals from Africa was.” “Now it’s time to get my hands dirty meal and the methods used to em- nibbled on by local rats for centuries, soning, hundreds of eager patrons Harington and his son also stopped and discover a thing or two about balm it. However, he has thus far was put in an exhibition at the Hous- lined up to see the exhibit. at the gift shop to pick up hats with our ancient counterparts.” failed to call the authorities respon- ton museum where it will be housed “My son loves archeological ex- an image of what looks like a large Oppenheim then walked into his sible for properly disposing of such for six months. Advertisements fea- hibits,” said 35-year-old father Mark chunk of solidified beef-flavored laboratory and proceeded to put his biological hazards. turing pictures of the corpse were Harington, who previously took his baby food on the front. face mere inches from the festering Media buzz surrounding the find is placed on billboards across the city son to see rocks kept in glass cases

NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • MARCH 2009 Nation’s grandmas: One billion children without adequate supply of cornbread Stephen Stecker staff writer

BOCA RATON, FL—According to a new report released by the Coali- tion of Concerned Grandmas, up to one billion of the world’s children are tragically without access to proper levels of warm, buttery, homemade cornbread. “Too often we overlook the tragedy of cornbread insufficiency among our grandchildren,” said Norma Belton, a concerned grandmother of four who became an advocate for the cause after her grandchil- dren told her that they never get cornbread and sweet milk at home. “These beautiful kiddos deserve to be spoiled rotten. What else aren’t they getting? Are they not getting a new toy every week? Or $20 for no reason?” The nation’s grandmas nodded politely in response to Bel- ton’s impassioned speech. In the report released Tuesday, nearly 2 out of 3 children are forced to eat canned and microwave meals on a regular basis, instead of the health staples of cornbread, sweet potatoes, and chocolate pie. Al- though the nation’s children are sometimes exposed to their grand- ■ The grandmother lobby’s counterpart, Grandpas United, alternatively suggest whiskey.Illustration/Travesty mothers’ food through the proxy of their parents, they generally get the darling children so. I understand with the other neighborhood chil- Washington, thousands of retirees not only all of God’s children have recipe all wrong, and usually do not they have busy lives, but an impor- dren. stood in front of the Lincoln Memo- cornbread, but when they have pinto inject enough butter into the mix. tant part of developing strong bones The non-profit organization has rial listening to guest speakers hold- beans, chili corn carne, and a cold, “These growing boys and girls are and good vision is at least 3 grams of led a drive to pack and deliver care ing political signs with large-print. tall glass of pink lemonade!” all skin and bones and need a good cornbread a day.” packages to needy children overseas, The emotionally-charged ceremony The group plans to fight other home-cooked meal,” said Coali- The group reported in their study including in each packet “creamed was interrupted only by elongated health concerns plaguing economi- tion president Agnes Martingale at submitted to the Children’s Health corn, canned yams, hush pup- potty breaks. cally disadvantaged children in the a press conference held at a local Council that side effects of corn- pies, and a cup of hot cocoa with a Bill Gates, the co-founder and developing world including loud Cracker Barrel. “Mom and Dad are bread deficiency includes children marshmallow on top just the way chair of the Gates Foundation, who music and watching too many car- not providing enough cornbread. going to bed with empty stomachs, Grandma always makes it.” was the keynote speaker at the event, toons. I don’t know why they abuse these and an inability to play outdoors In an excruciatingly slow march on told listeners, “We will not stop until Cholos hold frat-themed party Gender studies major chides EAST AUSTIN—In order to in- ties dress is hilarious,” said Frankie crease interest and novelty for their Mendez as he buttoned the top but- latest party, a group of local cholos ton, and only the top button, of his misogynist dog decided to promote the gathering plaid shirt. “Its also really fun and as frat-themed. The event was pub- easy to mock the things they do and CAMPUS—Gender studies senior “Last time Muttons tried to mount entire life consists of going around licized through a MySpace event, as the way they act,” added the solo rap Clara Dunleavy lambasted local another dog I had to tell him, ‘Get all day sniffing other dogs’ crotches, well as a large wooden plank on the artist. The party was a huge success, neighborhood Labradoodle Mut- way from her, you chauvinistic pig!” eating all sorts of garbage, and def- side of their house with “Frat Party” tallying over 400 guests, and leaving tons for his blatant sexism towards Dunleavy cited Muttons as a case ecating wherever he wants. He is a written on it with a Sharpie marker. a mess that the cholos were unable his female peers. “He goes around study in her senior thesis A Dog Eat true sexist barbarian.” The senior Nearby residents flocked to the high- to clean on their own. Fortunately, humping other dogs like they are Dog World: Gender-Roles in the Ca- told club members she prefers the ly anticipated event in their nautical the brothers Phi Delta Theta were objects, there to serve his instant nine Kingdom. “I thought he was the company of her cat, Betty, who was loafers, imitation Ugg boots, and assigned to clean up and mow their sexual gratification,” said Dunleavy perfect example of the imperious, lauded by Dunleavy lowering her novelty Polo shirts. “We just think front lawn the next morning as part at the weekly meeting of UTrethra, phalli-centric mindset of the male carbon footprint in her litter box. the way people in frats and sorori- of a service requirement. a university feminist organization. canine,” explained Dunleavy. “His 4 • news www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 NEWS • 5 Student constantly using year in POLITICS college as excuse for irresponsibility Obama still finding fruit snack wrappers in Oval Office

WASHINGTON, D.C.—An increas- ingly beleaguered President Barack Obama announced at a press confer- ence Wednesday afternoon that he discovered yet another Fruit by the Foot wrapper in the back of his desk drawer on Tuesday during a meet- ing with Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso. “Look, my predecessor left behind enough for us to deal with. I have ballooning unemployment numbers and two unfinished wars to AUSTIN—For the fourth year in a East in 2005 before taking a tequila attend to. I can’t keep rushing to the row, Government senior Jeff Ken- shot which will render him unable bathroom to wash the sticky residue non has rationalized his continual to complete an essay by the assigned of half-eaten Twizzlers off my hands,” disregard for his responsibilities by due date. Two semesters later, Ken- bemoaned Obama as he removed a claiming that society expects him non neglected to change his routine wad of gum from underneath the po- to ignore work and productivity of frivolity and excess. “Now that I’ve dium. “I knew the presidency would due to his grade classification. “Se- been in college for over a year, I’m be challenging, but these distractions nior year, hell yeah! Who cares that finally in the swing of things… I can are really testing my patience.” The I have a test at 9 a.m.? It’s dollar beer still party and be okay since I know President uncovered several Shrek- night, baby, and it’s finally time to let the system a little better.” “Being an themed Gushers wrappers later in the loose! Every little thing’s gonna be upperclassman rocks. Professors day within the Resolute filing drawer all right!” said Kennon as he ignored practically expect you to skip class in a manila envelope marked ‘Iraqi a text message from his mother tell- when you’ve been jaded by two and Reconstruction, Phase: Snacks.’ ing him he overdrew on his check- a half years of college.” As of press ing account. In fact, the unemployed time, Kennon is sleeping through a Kennon has excused his inherent test that will cause him to spend an laziness each year of college with his additional semester in college, post- current class standing. “God, I love poning a soon-to-be-realized life- AIG donates $225 million to charity in freshman year — finally free from time of disappointment and failure. high school,” Kennon said at Jester U.S.’s name as thank you gift for bailout NEW YORK—In a gesture of grati- card signed by top executives at “How thoughtful of you. You really Girl hastily holds banana up to tude to U.S. citizens for saving it AIG, and presented to the coun- didn’t have to do this.” The card and from inevitable bankruptcy, insur- try’s residents in a public ceremony certificate currently can be found in ear in West Mall ance giant AIG donated $225 mil- Tuesday morning. “Oh, thanks, this the recycling bin of Harrison’s home, lion to a local charity in America’s is really… nice,” said recently laid off which she and her family have to va- CAMPUS—After realizing that her name. The donation certificate was mother of three Michelle Harrison cate by Monday due to foreclosure. cell phone was buried in her purse laminated, placed in a Hallmark to a group of grinning executives. Wednesday morning, Government junior Linda Ackerman quickly held a banana to her right ear in order to avoid a tenacious flyer distributor in West Mall. “Oh, hey, I’m just walk- ing to class right now,” said Acker- UT shuttle driver cures melanoma and takes up man into a piece of fruit she planned on eating for breakfast as she waved Pilates during shortened break at Art Building away volunteers for FACE-AIDS, pointing to the banana and mouth- CAMPUS—During a slightly short- every now and then I feel it neces- the rest of his break becoming a li- ing that she was sorry she was unable ened break at the Art Building, Paul sary to cut ‘me time’ shorter in order censed Pilates instructor. “It’s just to speak with them about the incur- Thomas, a UT shuttle bus driver, to serve the waiting students,” said a quick and easy way achieve inner able epidemic. “What? Sorry, my re- found time to cure a disease and take Thomas. The 56-year-old Cap Metro peace and maintain a healthy soul. I ception is getting bad, because I’m on up a life-changing hobby. At around employee had begun his melanoma teach classes during my Art Build- a banana right now, and I’m almost 2 p.m., Thomas parked next to the research during a previous break, ing breaks on Tuesday and Thursday out of banana minutes, so I’ll call you Art Building and exited the full bus and was able to polish off an antidote for anyone who is interested in my back later.” Once around the corner to take his break. “I really need my for the deadly disease today. Because services.” and out of sight of the confused stu- break every two hours in order to it took a relatively short time to find dents handing out fliers, Ackerman perform to my full potential, but a cure, Thomas decided to spend ate the banana.

NEWS • 5 6 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT texas travesty • MARCH 2009

Name: 512 Realty; Width: 58p0; Depth: 10.5 in; Color: Black plus one, 512 Realty; Ad Number: 00034709

6 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT www.texastravesty.com zestName:y for Roadway life since Productions; 1997 Width: 58p0; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Roadway Productions; Ad Number: 00035234 PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 7

PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 7 8 • news texas travesty • MARCH 2009 City of Austin to Austinites: Please stop embarrassing me Thejaswi Maruvada of music lovers who all felt they were “The Foo Fighters are just radio managing editor presently located at the place to be, rock sellouts who are only interest- while most of them were, in fact, ed in pushing the agenda of media AUSTIN—Following the recent seeing equally non-descript indie conglomerates like Clear Channel, South By Southwest festival, The bands. man,” said the jobless disc-golfer City of Austin issued a statement before taking a toke from his bong reporting that Austinites are not “You know, other purchased at Austin’s very own Gas nearly as cool for living in the Capi- cities have live music Pipe. “They should get Phish this tal of Texas as they would prefer to year. That would be tight.” believe, regardless of the size of their too. A lot of acts While its live music scene is known vinyl collection or which local busi- don’t even stop here for making Austinites feel good nesses they support. about themselves, The City also has Austin, situated in Central Texas when they’re touring. numerous attractions and cultural along the Colorado River, is widely I heard Animal landmarks which are disproportion- regarded by non-Austinites as one al sources of pride to its residents. of the nation’s most hip and progres- Collective is playing Barton Springs, located at Zilker sive municipalities. However, the in New Orleans soon.” Park, is one of the many natural at- City now feels as though its persona tractions that Austin provides for is is being gradually diminished by “Of course, South By Southwest is a residents, which they subsequently the pompous attitudes displayed by unique and amazing event, but I just suck the appeal out of with their many of its denizens. wish it didn’t attract such a mock- bragging. “They embarrass me sometimes,” able crowd,” said the hometown of “Did you know that Barton Springs said the Live Music Capital of the The Darjeeling Limited director Wes stays 68 degrees the whole year?” World in a press conference. “You Anderson, whose films Austinites shouted Stephanie Lancaster, taco know, other cities have live music often tell others they enjoy. enthusiast who eats only organic too. A lot of acts don’t even stop The South By Southwest patrons tacos. “There’s nothing like taking a here when they’re touring. I heard were only the latest group of Aus- cool dip on a warm Saturday after- Animal Collective is playing in New tinites to induce eye-rolling. The noon after a nice ride on the trail. Orleans soon. People should check Austin City Limits Music Festival, What a wonderful place!” that out and maybe leave me alone held every fall, presents another op- “If people like Stephanie Lancaster for a while.” portunity for the high-on-acid, anti- don’t shut up about my springs, I’ll ■ This DJ’s sweater vest was a poor choice.Photo Travesty The past week saw Austin’s music establishment hippie demographic build a Taco Bell franchise in Zilker scene flooded with hip Austinites, as to grumble about whatever corpo- Park,” responded the City of Austin tinue to strive to be one of America’s also plenty of nice, pleasant people,” well as out-of-towners trying to pass rate headliner is ruining the festival as it simultaneously dealt with a traf- coolest and most relevant cities, re- admitted Austin as it remained off as hip Austinites, as evidenced each year. Local resident Barron fic jam on MoPac and its 4.2% un- gardless of the attitudes of many of warm and partly cloudy with a slight by their cowboy hats and overen- Weinkrantz, one of Austin’s many employment rate. “Wal-Marts. All its residents. chance of rain throughout the week- thusiastic barbeque gorging. Venues vocal Bohemians, is still whining over town. I’m not kidding.” “Sure, there are plenty of preten- end. “Now, if I could somehow get throughout the City featured throngs about the previous year’s event. The City of Austin says it will con- tious assholes here, but there are rid of Matthew McConaughey…” Girlfriend chose Panicked yelling fails to prevent Town clearly big enough for the restaurant last toilet from overflowing both of them BOERNE, TX—As two cowboys then added that the recent addi- time squared off at high noon, onlook- tion of residential zones in the CAMPUS—As the inevitable discus- ers began to question the validity city’s southeast region should al- sion regarding dining choices arose of the statement made by one of low for ample housing opportuni- on Friday evening, local girlfriend the men that this town is report- ties for both men. Despite protests Shelly Connolly took a hardline edly not big enough for the both from residents of Boerne, the man stance against deciding the restau- of them. “Seems mighty silly to wearing a white cowboy hat shot rant, as the psychology sophomore kill each other over something the man in the black hat. He then noted that she “always chooses where like that,” said local saloon owner proceeded to spin his gun into his we eat and [is] bad at making deci- Dave Baskin. “I’m not even sure holster, mount his horse, and ride sions.” The then-hungry 19-year old what they’re talking about. Our into the sunset, ignoring vacancy detailed the event. “He asked me town is prospering and we have signs on the Boerne Tavern on the where I wanted to eat and I said ‘I plenty of space to accommodate way out. don’t know, where do you want to these two fellas, plus more.” Baskin eat?’ and he said ‘I really don’t care, where do you want to eat?’ and I said TALLAHASSE, FL—A toilet located in the home of the grandparents of ‘No, I chose last time! You choose!’ Gary Henson’s fiancé continued to overflow yesterday, despite Henson’s te- Dual thuds under car probably nothing and he said ‘Okay, we’ll eat at Chili’s,’ nacious attempt to stop it by hysterically pleading and repeatedly pushing DES MOINES—While driving wheel and kept his eyes decidedly and I said ‘No! I hate Chili’s! Every- down the flush lever. “Oh God, oh God, no, please, no,” begged Henson as down the road back to his house at on the road in front of him. “Prob- thing tastes like salt!’” recounted he frantically fiddled with the black floaty thing in the tank. “Shit. Oh my approximately 11:30 p.m., Bradley ably just a large, elongated rock or Connolly. By the time the couple nar- God, don’t do this to me. I’ll do anything.” The commotion in the entryway Scofield suddenly felt two thuds something. Nothing I need to worry rowed down a restaurant area, classi- bathroom attracted the attention of Henson’s future grandmother-in-law. “Is under his car, lifting the front and about.” Scofield then turned up his fication, and price range, everything everything all right in there?” she asked while Henson covered the flooded then back right sides of his vehicle radio, allowing “My Life Would Suck had closed, and they were forced to bathroom floor with toilet paper. “I thought I heard someone screaming.” As momentarily off the ground. “I won- Without You” to block out the ago- settle for Taco C, again. The two are of press time, the family is still waiting at the dinner table for Henson, who der what that was,” mindlessly asked nized screaming that was most likely no longer on eating terms. had crawled out of the window. Scofield as he gripped the steering just a figment of his imagination. 8 • news www.texastravesty.com ZESTY FOR LIFE since 1997 features • 9

The American Association of Fatherhood presents The Daddies Celebrating achievement in Dad-dom Best Dad World’s BEST ARBITRARY BEST ANALOGY competition with next door neighbor for “the birds and the bees” Winner: Christmas light display with full Winner: “Remember, be extra careful animatronics and soundscapes when you park the Corvette in the garage.” RunnerUp: Adultery RunnerUp: “When you’re fuckin’ that ho, grab that bitches’ hair and bust BEST EXCUSE up in it!” for forgetting a family birthday Winner: Meeting ran late at work BEST NAME BEST WAY for addressing your to spend your time Larry Hutcheson RunnerUp: Second family shit daughter’s boyfriend when the wife’s away Dallas, Texas Winner: It’s a tie between Winner: Hitting the back Texas Travesty: You’ve just won a Daddie for champ, sport, and tiger! nine with the boys from the Best Dad of the Year. Why do you think the BEST PEARL office of wisdom to pass on to next RunnerUp: chief, ace, selection committee chose you? kiddo, slugger, killer, boss, RunnerUp: Why are my Larry Hutcheson: I think hard work mostly; generation bub, pal, big guy, skip, pilgrim, hands covered in blood OH MY those hedges didn’t trim themselves [laugh- Winner: “Shoot for the moon, hombre, buster, partner, GOD SHE’S DEAD?!?!? FANTASIA, ter]. No, but seriously, I can’t thank my family because even if you miss, you’ll mac, cap’n, hoss, kemosabe, WAKE UP, I CAN STILL PAY YOU, enough for how supportive they have been. land among the stars.” compadre, slim, buckaroo, HERE, TAKE THIS MONEY, TAKE Between Family Game Night, the annual RunnerUp: “Always maestro, slick, shorty, guv’nah, IT ALL!!! YOU REALLY DID IT Hutcheson camping bonanza, and some good remember to brush your teeth matey, Mr. Man, duke, cochise, THIS TIME, TED, YOU REALLY quality bonding time, well, it’s enough to make because, honestly, sometimes it’s shooter, skipper DID.... a grown man cry [tears]. unbearable.” TT: We’ll come back to that one. What are the most important qualities of a good father? BEST ATTIRE LH: Patience, perseverance, and power: the Best Dressed three P’s as I like to call them [guffaw]. And, Winner: The reigning ten year Great Moments in Dad-dom a healthy dose of good character to steer your champion! Department store polo shirt moral battleship. with Dockers and brown belt, and tall Pensacola, FL - When the Little TT: socks with loafers League umpire called a strike on What do you like to do when you’ve finished the son of John Higgins, Higgins your fatherly responsibilities for the day? RunnerUp: Mustache, jorts and didn’t take it lying down. He LH: I usually kick back, have a glass of bour- an old “Race for the Cure” t-shirt gave that no good ump a piece of bon, and watch an episode of Navy N.C.I.S. his mind, right from his bleacher for some hard-hitting primetime drama. Or I seat. spend a few hours helping my kids with their Foxboro, MA - Walter Dobson homework. My littlest is struggling with his Worst successfully played catch with times tables right now, but he’ll learn. I will his son while simultaneously fol- make him learn. Dressed lowing every stroke of the PGA TT: Do you have any good advice for the rest of championship on his walkman the fathers out there? radio. LH: Like my great grandfather Montgomery Kevin Federline Denver, CO - Jerry Fletcher final- Hutcheson passed on to me, “Stay clean. Fly ly got his ball-peen hammer from straight. Buy war bonds.” Gary Pasquely Seriously? Pull his neighbor after four months. your pants up Trenton, NJ - Frank Rizzo cooked Lookin sharp one hell of a porterhouse. Congrats, Larry! there, Mr. P! daddy-o. From the Red Carpet From the

features • 9 10 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT texas travesty • MARCH 2009 Other Right-Wing Campus Displays Pro-life ambassadors shocked us all into morality with the anti-abortion, dead fetus display outside of Gregory Gym. Here are some of the other titillat- ing displays right-wingers have come up with: Result of Practicing Religions Other Than Christianity Gay Professor Watch-List

• Professor Lance Jerome: BIO 301M, Ecology, Evolution, & Society Effects of legalization of marijuana • Professor Antoine Fuschberger: This was a wholesome, American family until WGS 322 Sociology of Gender • Professor Chad Kline: TXA 205, Nancy Pelosi introduced the “Get-everyone- FASHION!!! high-so-they-read-The-Huffignton-Post” bill.

How to spot a gay professor: Properly rolls his Rs in Spanish, knows what a duvet cover is, just Respectful has that gay look to him, is fashion- Discourse You don’t technically have to practice able, flicks his wrist a lot, has sex Christianity, but this is what happens with people of the same sex Display (Will happen someday, maybe) when you don’t.

Name: Law Office of James Gill; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black, Law Office of James Gill; Ad Number: 00032990

10 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 features • 11

get Sure, lots of people in college play guitar, or think they play the guitar. You may think you know what they’re all about, but it’s not * that simple. There are many different categories of guitarists in the inTUNE world. So the next time you hear the sound of a guitar emanating from a nearby dorm room, use this helpful guide to figure out which with your guitarists one of these tools you’re hearing. singer/songwriter metal Song: “Crash Into Me” by DMB, “Wonderwall” by Song: “Master of Puppets,” by Oasis, “Daughters” by John Mayer Metallica, “Number of the Beast” Quote: “Yeah, it’s okay to rhyme ‘you’ with ‘you.’ by Iron Maiden, “Cowboys The acoustics are great in my dorm room, wanna From Hell” by Pantera hear this song I just learned just for you?” Quote: [incomprehensible growl] FUCKING MACHINE! DIE DIE DIE! Virtuoso Song: “Far Beyond The Sun” by Yngwie Malmsteen, “Surfing With Alien” by Joe Satriani, “Erotomania” by Dream Theater Air Guitarist Quote: “Are you seriously playing over that chord in F# Mixolydian? Song; “Back in Black” by AC/DC, the Let me show you how its done, “Sweet Child o’ Mine” by Guns with this sweep picked arpeggiated N’ Roses, that one that goes like progression. Or just keep listening “waaa weee weewaahhh to Green Day, amateur.” Song: “Free woooooooo” Bird” by Lynryd Quote: “I was just, uh, Skynyrd, “Jordan” by scratching my leg. Buckethead, “Hot For With my tongue Teacher” by Van Halen out.” Quote: “Dude, you should really be using your star power right God Rock! now. I’m not kidding.” Song: “God Is Not A Secret” by the Newsboys, “Dive” by Stephen Folk Curtis Chapman, “Deliver Me” by David Song: “Harvest Moon” by Neil Young, Crowder Band “Scarborough Faire” by Simon & Quote: “As is Garfunkel, “Sweet Baby James” by written in Psalms James Taylor 4:27, I’ll still fuck ...and bassists. Funk. Quote: “I just wrote this song that your sister.” explores how I feel about nature and my beloved. Anyway, your soy latte and cranberry muffin will come out to $7.13.” Rock.

*hahaha. Metal. features • 11 12 • STUDENT GOVERNMENT SCANDAL! STUDENT GOVERNMENT SCANDAL! • 13 Point: Student Government is a vital institution at UT and we must maintain Report: Mysterious SG just happy to its legitimacy in this time of turmoil shadowy figure have its existence isten up: The Uni- By MARISSA DREYFUSS versity is in a crisis. University At-Large Representative behind everything acknowledged Sensationalist ac- new president are no L that He secretly leads The Eyes of Texas while Dozens shocked by improprieties ollowing the controversy sur- SCANDAL! cusations are being thrown around like longer relevant in this espite the numerous scandals we’re in the mainstream media, right? I think remaining anonymous to the members of the al- time of uncertainty. rounding the recent Student that’s a pretty good start,” said SG Treasurer casual hellos, students and professors F ready-anonymous organization. But in a stunning that have plagued Student perpetrated by quasi-important We must put the past D Lindsey Tabor. alike are uncertain of the University’s Government election, reports have move to consolidate His ever-growing supremacy, behind us and embrace Government in recent weeks, the “Now that the students know who we are, the clandestine leader orchestrated the leak of future on a day-to-day basis, and the our new president. surfaced that the entire scandal they can take an even more active role in chang- “Student-Government” the Election Supervisory Board co-chair’s notori- relatively unknown campus orga- Without a virtuous ing unfair University policies. This week we’re student body’s trust in its governing can be traced back to one cloaked, ous email, as well as the ensuing media circus. hero to guide the stu- nization is reportedly "incredibly tackling the egregiously limited Gregory Pool body has been shattered. shadowy figure. “All is going exactly as I have foreseen,” said Students: “Wait, what’s a ‘Student-Government?’” dents all hope is lost. pleased" that people are begin- hours in the summer.” It is times like these that test the true mettle of the The man, who is often referred to simply as Him in an intercepted holographic transmission We must move for- Student Government has also stated that students at this prestigious University. The only way “Him,” reportedly has been pulling the strings to the Daily Texan, another one of many impor- ning to realize they even exist. ward and put our full weight behind our new leader. they are hoping to obtain more exposure by to preserve our precious academic institution is to re- from his throne room long before the current SG tant entities now under His control. “Soon, all will “All this “Zesty-gate” stuff has really hurt us in The time of reckoning has come, and with the hosting more pizza parties. administration even took office. Sources indicate do my bidding.” the mainstream media, but look at it this way: instate faith in Student Government and ensure that help of a powerful, over-reaching Student Govern- it maintains a stronghold in University policy for years ment, I have faith that the students of UT will be to come. And we must act with haste. able to pull through as long as they put faith in the Reform must be brought on like a raging titan system. The importance of the elected student of- The Key Players through the election process. Transparency is crucial, ficials that preside over this institution of knowledge and we must be able to hold everyone responsible for cannot be understated. The student body has never their actions. No fraudulent deed will go unpunished. faced trials such as these before, but I believe that It is imperative that students have faith in the process. the student body has never had a stronger will to do This point cannot be stressed enough. what it right and just. We will prevail, and we will live Next, questions of minor infractions involving the to see a better tomorrow. Counterpoint: That’s cool and all, but you dudes up for some Ultimate?

THANKS TO SG there were ey, yeah, totally. By TOBIAS LONGFELLOW a bunch more “Spoiled Like, that’s messed College Student Ballots” this year. Hup, and stuff. Like, politics, ya know? But also, hang out with my listen up: You, me, a Frisbee, and a six- bros and throw Shadowy Figure Gay Ole Scalawags A Minotaur n what one person called one of the largest economics freshman Lance Wallace as he participated with thou- pack of ice cold brewskies are gonna go around a disc. sands of fellow angry students in a protest outside of SSB 4.206, the scandals the University has ever seen, the Student Government office. “But once I heard that the SG big-wigs down to the intramural fields and tear it Cool? It’s not like Iextreme corruption in the recent Student- paid for a spring break trip to Cabo San Lucas with our tuition mon- up all day long playing some Ultimate. It’s we have anything Government election has completely shattered ey, I could no longer faithfully support them.” a perfect day outside. All I want to do is else going on. LEAKED: Former SG President’s Gmail Inbox! students’ trust in the University’s student-run While the alleged rumors of alleged tuition embezzlement may or may not be true, the possibility that they are true continues to ex- lthough he received an email marked "IMPOR- clear that the message was only one of about 700 dance with his insistence that he cannot control governing body, which was once considered by ist. An anonymous source, who may or may not exist, would neither TANT: Request for Help" from the Election emails he received that day and escaped his atten- who sends him email, here's a peek into Keshav's in- some to be the gold standard for student-run confirm nor deny the veracity of this report. But one thing remains Ot h e r t h i n g s t h e e y e s o f t e x a s A certain: the students can no longer stand behind the organization Board co-chairman three days before the election, tion, effectively freeing him from guilt that would box, exonerating him from the conclusions jumped governing bodies in the Central Texas area. Stu- a r e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r that they once loved and adored so much. SG President Keshav Rajagopalan has made it very surely haunt him had he been aware of it. In accor- to by naysayers who believe otherwise. dents have been left to wonder: What did they AND JUST WHO ARE THE EYES OF TEXAS? do to deserve this? Much of the blame for the corruption has been placed on The • Every night, after her across “It’s tragic. Just tragic. We students are outraged, as we should Eyes of Texas, a secret campus society whose members are veiled in everyone has left • The Eyes of Texas advised be,” said biology sophomore Katherine Wesley, who like an over- a cloak of anonymity. The organization’s role in the alleged election- campus, members of The Eyes President William Powers to whelming majority of UT students, is irate and ready to take any rigging process has been well documented, and students are now of Texas go around to every change his last name to from action necessary against all guilty parties. “This is a very important wondering what other misdeeds the organization has committed. classroom in the University and “Finkmore” to “Powers” early matter to address.” “Are they responsible for the fires in West Campus? Are they empty the trash cans in his career to make him more WHAT OTHER CRIMES HAS SG COMMITTED? stealing all the bikes, and then pawning them for a little extra cash? • When things started getting out marketable Reports have been surfacing on a daily basis of deep-seated and Have they ever had anyone killed?” inquired Communications se- nior Albert Gomez. “The whole thing seems fishy to me. The FBI of hand in the control room during • They clogged the phone lines to far-reaching dishonesty within Student-Government. It appears the the Cuban Missile Crisis, it was The ensure that Ruben Studdard would dubious and possibly election-rigging email sent by the Election needs to investigate.” Board Supervisor was only the tip of the iceberg. How far back do Although the mainstream campus media has all but ignored the Eyes of Texas who guided JFK to beat Clay Aiken in American Idol the heinous crimes against the democratic process go? Is it true that controversy, the entire student body has made it abundantly clear his solution Season 2 Student-Government has been stealing tuition money? And what that they care about this issue, and will not rest until it is resolved • Whenever an elderly professor • The Eyes of Texas control the does a minotaur have to do with all this? and all guilty parties are brought to justice. As senior Freddy Peterson needs help walking across the “automatic” doorways from a “A 'Student-Government' is something that we should all be able said, “Whatever it is that those people did, it was the worst thing that street, a member of The Eyes of remote control station at the to believe in. A government for the students, by the students,” said they could have ever done. Ever.” Texas shows up and helps him or bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

12 • STUDENT GOVERNMENT SCANDAL! STUDENT GOVERNMENT SCANDAL! • 13 14 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2009

Zak attracts the attention of the KVUE morning news team.

Zak ran an honest campaign, promising to pad his resume with the position and always look fantastic in a suit. The Daily Texan credits Zak for creat- ing excitment in the presidental race: “Perhaps the heated presidental contest — thanks in large part to ‘So much Texas pride, it hurts to pee’ candidate Zak Kin- naird — is to thank (or blame) for that.”

The Daily Texan calls Zak’s campaign The Daily Texan reveals a secret email “masterfully executed” in which the election cochairman and Liam’s campaign calls Zak a joke canidate: “...helped by lackluster. three joke canidates, one of which is getting a lot of support.”

Zak is lifted onto the shoulders of his supporters in celebration of his 8.3% victory. Zak makes the front page for his stellar performance at the Student Government debate.

Zak spent $0 on his cam- paign while the 1st and 2nd place canidates spent $867 and $579, respectively. He received 692 votes.

14 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 features • 15

adjective

proper noun adjective adjective . verb past tense verb verb

noun past tense verb

early 2000s band verb endng in -ing noun noun

place noun noun

verb endng adjective in -ing

noun noun noun No friends? Do Sad-Libs by yourself! proper noun verb ending in -ing adjective verb adjective verb past tense verb noun past tense verb noun noun noun early 2000s band noun noun verb ending in -ing adjective noun place adjective noun

Name: Village @ Riverside; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, Village @ Riverside; Ad Number: 00034628

features • 15 16 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2009 Texas Travesty Interview things that aren’t incredibly accurate, never get audiences to laugh at that but were changed for the sake of I think is a funny line, and now that making an entertaining story. So we’re talking about it, I’ll probably Doug Benson that’s what I expect first from Funny put it on , is that all the food By Ross Luippold People: an entertaining movie. And in Amsterdam is really good, but the if it happens to catch what stand-up’s last time I was there, I drank a hot Photos by David Strohl really like, then that’d be a bonus. chocolate that tasted like a… how Doug Benson is often classified as an “alternative” TT: Are you happy with the format did I put it? Last time I was there I comedian. But the pervasiveness with which he’s change of Best Week Ever? drank a hot chocolate that tasted like invaded the pop culture consciousness, first with DB: Yeah, for the most part. It’s a drinking a crack baby. And audiences his “that guy”- cementing appearances on Friends, little frustrating that I get less screen at comedy clubs don’t laugh at that. time, but I think the show is funnier, But I think it’s funny. Best Week Ever, and , and and I think [new BWE host] Paul F. TT: Is there any one comic that you’ve then with his marijuana-themed documentary Tompkins is really funny, so if they either consciously or unconsciously Super High Me and debut stand-up album had to do something like that, then tried to model your material or career Professional Humoredian, would indicate that that’s certainly the way to go. And after? mainstream America is catching onto Benson’s people seem to like it, so yeah, I’m DB: No, I’ve just had tons of uniquely charming stoner sensibilities. He recently happy. influences over the years. As a kid, I TT: stopped by Austin to perform at Cap City and You’re constantly coming up with listened to albums by George Carlin jokes, as evidenced by your MySpace and Bill Cosby and Steve Martin, and then came back the next weekend for South By and Twitter use. How do you decide as an adult I’m surrounded by all of Southwest, where he debuted Super High Me last what jokes to use in your act? When my friends who do stand-up who are year. He sat down with the Travesty to discuss you come up with a one-liner, do you all so funny, like Paul F. Tompkins, making it in show business, Twitter, and the immediately designate it for “Twitter” , , and moral struggle of stoners boycotting Kellogg’s. or for “stage?” … I could list dozens DB: (And yes, this is a real interview.) Well, I Twitter as I go. I’ve been of people. So they’re my influences ignoring my MySpace blog because now. Texas Travesty: This trip marks the years of that, I finally started getting TT: You also have a podcast called “I of Twitter. I’m really so much more TT: I always thought it was interesting second time that you’ve performed in paid to go out on the road and do Love Movies.” What movies are you excited about the immediacy of how all you guys cite each other as Austin in less than a year, and you stand-up. And then I realized that looking forward to? Twitter, in that you just send it out influences, but all your styles are so have a longer engagement at Cap could be the main way I pay my DB: That’s a good question. Let there and tons of people see it right unique. City compared to your other tour bills. me think. What’s coming out this away. I’ve got a certain number of DB: Well, that’s sort of what stand-up stops. Why the Austin love? TT: What was your day job before summer that I’m excited about? readers on my blog on MySpace, but has become. It took me a long time to Doug Benson: [laughs] ‘Cause I’m you made that the main way? Well, in the near future I’m excited it doesn’t compare to the number of figure out that the more like yourself trying to help keep Austin weird? I DB: I always just worked stupid, about I Love You, Man, and I love people I’m reaching on Twitter. So you are onstage, or the more like a just really like Capitol City Comedy tangentially-connected-to-show- the trailer for Duplicity, the Clive every dumb joke that comes into my character you’ve created for the stage Club. It’s one of my favorite places business jobs. I was an extra in Owen/Julia Roberts thing. I don’t head, for the most part, I’ll go ahead [you are], the more committed you to play, and that’s their standard movies and TV shows, I did some know if the movie will hold up to and tweet that out to the world, but are to it, and the more that creates engagement for most of the acts who stand-in work, I was a tour guide at the trailer’s standards, but I really it’s really hard to get it into the act, an individuality. I’m not worried come through: Tuesday through Universal Studios for a while, stuff like that trailer. because my act isn’t just a bunch about anybody stealing any of my Saturday. A lot of clubs I play for like that. When I first moved to L.A., TT: Have you seen the trailer for of short jokes. I have jokes of all jokes, because they are all so much just a night or two, but I have such a I had a couple of friends, but for [the upcoming Judd Apatow/Adam varying length, so if I put too many from me and my personality that it good time here that five nights isn’t the most part I didn’t really know Sandler film] Funny People? of them in there, then it seems like wouldn’t make sense. They could get even enough. anybody, and I just sort of had to DB: No, is the trailer out? I’m trying to be Stephen Wright or away with it sometimes, but in most TT: You have a few regular shows in dive in and do what I could to get TT: Yeah, a pretty long trailer. . I’m working on cases, it’s like, “Well, that’s something L.A. How do you decide when to go work and get noticed. DB: I don’t watch trailers on the a thing where I just read a bunch Doug Benson would say.” [laughs] on the road? TT: You’re from though, Internet. I only watch them when of Twittered jokes in a row onstage, And I feel that way about a lot of my DB: The road decides for me. right? they’re in front of movies that I’m because some of them are good friends who do stand-up too. Basically, the clubs and colleges, and DB: Yeah, I grew up in , seeing. That’s my favorite part about enough for the stage, but they’re too TT: Is there anyone that you really I’m starting to play some theaters and so it wasn’t a huge risk to move to going to the movies, seeing five short on their own to stick in the act. want to work with that you haven’t some rock clubs too, they negotiate , but I essentially did or six trailers on the big screen, so But there’ll be something. I’ll work yet? the dates with my representatives. just pack everything up and move to I don’t like them ruined for me by them in somehow. DB: That’s a good question. [thinks] For the most part I say yes to most L.A. and hope that everything would seeing them on my tiny computer. TT: Do you have any bits that you I don’t think so. I’ve worked with things, but every once in a while I work out. So I haven’t seen that one yet. love but don’t ever get the audience everybody. Except for, there are a turn something down, and the shows TT: And it did. TT: Based on your experiences in reaction that they deserve? few dead ones that I would like to in L.A. are based around when I can DB: Yeah, eventually, things really stand-up, how hard do you think it DB: Well, every comic has stuff that work with. I never got to work with be home to do that stuff. came together nicely. [laughs] will be to accurately portray stand-up they think is really funny but the George Carlin. I was excited that TT: Before getting into stand-up, what TT: Your live show, The Benson comedians and the culture of stand- audience just doesn’t get on board the History of the Joke special they career did you have in mind? Interruption, will be released as up on film? for, for whatever reason. Sometimes did on the History Channel had DB: I knew I wanted to be in show your second album soon. Why’d you DB: I think Judd Apatow and Adam you can tweak it to the point of lots of George Carlin stuff in it and business in some regard, but I decide to go that route instead of just Sandler have been close enough making it work, and sometimes lots of stuff with me in it, so I was thought I would have been an actor releasing another straight stand-up to stand-up their whole careers you have to let it go. In a few cases, just happy to be in the same thing or a writer. I’ve gotten to do both of album? to understand it better than, say, I’ve just been like, “Screw it, I’ll with him. But pretty much everyone those things anyway, but stand-up is DB: Well, I am doing another stand- the people who made that movie keep telling it until people start else, I think I’ve worked with. Lots my main bag. up album that will be out sometime Punchline with Tom Hanks years laughing.” And eventually they do of them I’d like to work with again. I TT: At what point did you know this year, but it’s with Comedy ago. But also, the point isn’t to make a come around, just because of the like comedy. I like watching it almost comedy was something you could do Central Records, and I wanted to movie about what stand-up comedy confidence with which you say it, or as much as doing it, or equally as for a living? keep doing stuff for this smaller is truly like. The point is to make a some nights you get a more… I don’t much. That’s part of the fun of it. I DB: After I’d been doing it for about label, AST Records. movie that entertains people who are want to say smarter crowd, because bring my buddy Graham Elwood six years. [laughs] It was a long, slow was nice enough to not mind me mostly not stand-up comics. It’s like, my jokes are so dumb, but a crowd on the road with me everywhere I start, because I would have day jobs, doing CD with those guys while I’m anytime you watch a cop show with that’s more willing to make that go just because he cracks me up, so and I would go on open mics and under contract with them for the a cop, or a law show with a lawyer, leap. More willing to assume what I can watch him before it’s my turn things like that, and after several more straight stand-up. they’re always going to point out the you said was funny. One thing I can to go on.

16 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 features • 17

TT: The obligatory pot questions. It’s so I think it’s all very encouraging. “stoner comic.” Was there ever a point been a year since Super High Me The more stuff that’s out there in the that you were apprehensive about came out, and since then it’s become world that shows that pot’s not such discussing weed onstage? more mainstream to publicly discuss a bad thing is helpful. DB: Never in a comedy club; I was marijuana. How optimistic are you TT: I think Kellogg’s stock actually always pretty open about it. In about the future of pot laws? went down. other circumstances, like making DB: I’m super optimistic, ‘cause the DB: Did it really? I know stoners the movie, I thought, “Do I really Obama administration has already were trying to boycott Kellogg’s, but want to be the guy who’s known said that the Feds should stop raiding my trouble is, if I’m in the mood for being a huge pot smoker?” But dispensaries in California. So that’s for cereal, I might want a certain then I thought, well, I am a huge pot stopped, and now I think Illinois is kind, and I might not be able to eat smoker, and my act isn’t completely close to being the fourteenth state exclusively General Mills. about that. I talk about it, but I talk to have legal access to medical TT: Is it true that you still don’t make about other things as well. So I want marijuana. There are still these sad any money off Super High Me? stoners and non-stoners alike who occurrences like Michael Phelps DB: Actually, I think I’m going to want to have a good laugh to come getting in so much trouble for be getting my first check, so I need out to the shows, so I try not to put “alleged” pot use one time at a party. to shut up about that. But it’s not a too much of an emphasis on the pot I imagine he probably smokes quite lot of money. The movie’s been very one way or the other. Photo/Travesty a bit, and he finally got caught in the successful, and I just wasn’t really… TT: Last question. Do you ever get The MEC recently brought comedian Demetri Martin wrong place at the wrong time. But As in all show-business endeavors, any negative feedback for making to UT, and he put on a hell of a show. But more impor- that was kind of discouraging, that the first thing that’s a hit, you don’t light of pot use, from the Last Comic tantly, MEC gave the Travesty press passes, and we anyone feels like he should apologize tend to have that great of a stake Standing crowd or something? for that. No one made him apologize in it financially. So hopefully that’ll DB: [laughs] No, people are pretty aren’t even press! Thanks, John Meller! Lots of people when he got a DUI, which is much change in the future. But I didn’t positive. The people who come out waited in line for hours and hours to get in, and some more dangerous to society. At that make it to get rich, I made it to make to see me because they’re fans of Best people who had tickets were turned away, but we got party, he just passed out and didn’t a fun movie. Week Ever or Last Comic Standing, in immediately with no problems! TT: bother anyone. But he lost lots of So if that’s your first foray into they never say, unless they’re keeping Martin had the audience in stitches with his quirky sponsorship deals. He lost millions of film, do you have any more movies it to themselves, they’ve never said dollars just ‘cause he smokes pot. So I coming up or in development? to me, “Oh, we liked you better on one liners and subtle observational humor. He touched don’t think that was fair, but it seems DB: Yeah, it’s nothing I can talk TV when you didn’t swear and talk on a wide variety of subjects, including the recent SG like the mainstream conversation about yet, but yeah, we’re bouncing about pot.” Quite the opposite – I get scandal. It was a real hoot and a half. If you missed it, about it was that everyone didn’t around ideas to do another movie, a lot of people that come up to me your life really sucks. We should also tell you to check really think that was fair, and several and there’s also talk of doing a TV and say, “Your live show is so much out Demetri’s new show Important Things with of his sponsors like Speedo and a show that would be similar to Super funnier than you were on Last Comic couple others are still using him High Me. Standing.” I’ll take that. I guess it’s a Demetri Martin on Comedy Central, so we don’t feel and still paying him lots of money, TT: You haven’t always been a compliment. [laughs] like we stole something.

Name: University Towers - DISPLAY; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black, University Towers - DISPLAY; Ad Number: 00034750

features • 17 18 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT texas travesty • MARCH 2009

Experiencing a Pubic Profusion? Come on IN AND GIVE US Money So You Can Feel A PAIN MORE HORRIBLE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE

512-555-PUBE

Name: Verizon Wireless C/O Zenith Me; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Verizon Wireless C/O Zenith Me; Ad Number: 00035135

18 • PAID ADVERTISEMENT www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 19

Name: Hideous L.C.; Width: 58p0; Depth: 10.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Hideous L.C.; Ad Number: 00035223

PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 19 20 • FEATURES texas travesty • MARCH 2009 Contest! we love Prizes! our readers! please love us Joy! back, please 1. Do something funny with your beloved copy of the Travesty 2. Take a picture 3. Email it to [email protected]

If we deem your entry the funniest, we’ll publish the photo in the next issue, as well as award you a PRIZE PACKAGE with a copy of The Onion’s OUR DUMB WORLD ...and much much more! [blank OPERATIONAL: space] Name: Book People; Width: 22p9; Depth: 4 in; Color: Black, Book People; Ad Number: 00032967

No more e-mails. All official University information will be communicated exclusively through decrees issued by President Powers.

20 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 features • 21

If we really put our minds to it, we can start a shitty band Jason Clark and I think its time we finally take istry. We go together like peas and lay down one of your competent playing in one of Austin’s hottest aspiring musician the plunge and do it. We know we carrots. And corn. These other shitty drum grooves, and I start thumping shitty clubs in no time. Even at the all love music, and we’re all half- on my bass, can’t you feel the con- Red Eyed Fly. It’s no myth that scouts way competent at our instruments. nection between us? We’re almost from shitty record labels frequent Joey, man, you can shred that guitar close to being something that sounds places like these, once in a while, to just like Dave Grohl. Adrian, when “I’m telling vaguely like Flea and Chad Smith find the next big shitty band to sign you’re playing drums and endlessly from the Chili Peppers, but if they a record deal. And that’s just the ride the hi-hat, it gives me a slight you, if we were in high school. And when Joey beginning. Before we know it, our headache. And not to brag or any- jams over our groove on his axe, we shitty careers will be well on their thing, but I can lay down some pretty practice hard sound better than any shitty band way. I can see it now. Touring the mean scales on the boom-stick from that no one’s ever heard before. globe, playing music festivals and time to time. So how ‘bout it, boys? Also, we’re living in the age of the stadiums as one of the world’s big- How about we get together and form every day, Internet. It’s never been easier for gest shitty touring acts. Bigger than a shitty band? shitty bands to get their name out Aerosmith. I know what you’re thinking. You’re who knows there than right now. As long as we So who’s with me? Who’s ready to thinking, “But Jason, aren’t there al- design a sloppy, slow-loading MyS- get this train rolling? I already have ready hundreds of shitty bands in where our pace page full of annoying sound a few hackneyed riffs up my sleeve Austin alone? How can we possibly files, huge pictures of ourselves, and that can be developed into lackluster separate ourselves from the pack?” a shitty “logo” that Adrian’s brother songs. I also have a name in mind, Well, compadres, our shitty band is talent won’t designs for us splattered everywhere, perfect for a shitty band like us: gonna be different. How, you ask? we’ll get tons of hits for shitty-music “Non-Assembled.” Cool, huh? Our shitty band is gonna rock this take us?” connoisseurs. town like its never been rocked be- I’m telling you, if we practice hard Okay, guys. I’ve been kicking around fore, and so on and so forth. bands, they don’t connect with each every day, who knows where our this idea about this for a long time, You see, the three of us have chem- other like we do. Adrian, when you talents won’t take us? We could be

features • 21 22 • opinion texas travesty • MARCH 2009 I hate to be that guy, but could you stop furiously battering my legs with that meat mallet? meat mallet into my legs? waste down. somewhere here. ly are you doing this to my body? I Ben Wortheimm I’ve always tried to not be one of Deal? And I don’t want this to turn into a know that’s probably asking, “Why roommate those guys who always nags their I think maybe what we have here whole big thing either because, you did you leave the toilet seat up,” or roommate to empty the dishwash- know, we’re cool and everything— one of those things where there’s re- er or vacuum the carpet or what- we’ve been roommates for a while ally no reason behind it. I was just ever, but I’m in a great deal of pain “Just if you get now and I don’t want this to come wondering because if it’s something right now and I was wondering, as between us. But in all seriousness I I did then just let me know and next long as it’s not too much of trouble, the chance to think you just shattered my knee- time I’ll for sure not do it. Or if you if you could stop beating my legs cap. ever need a favor or whatever just into a pulp with that piece of cook- not physically Maybe it would help if we set up let me know. Just as long as that fa- ware. some rules or something. So if one vor doesn’t require walking because But, seriously, it’s no big deal. Just harm me of us is doing something wrong my ankles no longer appear to be if you get the chance to not physi- then the other one could be like, functional. cally harm me anymore, it would anymore, “Hey man, you know the rules. One more thing, and again, if be awesome. No eating my food without asking this is too much to ask just say, but Don’t get me wrong. I know that it would be first,” or something like that. I think would you mind taking me to the sometimes I can be a nuisance the first rule should be “No causing hospital? I need to see a surgeon around here too. Sometimes I turn awesome.” irreparable damage to anybody’s immediately. up the volume too loud when I legs with a utensil used to tender- Well, anyways, I’m glad we had watch TV or forget to lock the is a miscommunication. We are ize meat.” this talk. It took me becoming a door when I come in at night. I’m both coming from different places Don’t worry about my tears stain- paraplegic to straighten this out not perfect, and I don’t expect you and we’re failing to see eye-to- ing the carpet either; I’m going to but I think it was a positive step Hey, I was just wondering, and, you to be either. Which is why I am eye here. You want to destroy my wipe them up as soon as we’re done forward. Ha! No pun intended with know, no biggie if it’s a huge incon- proposing this: I won’t play my vid- muscle tissue; I want you to not do here. “step forward,” you know, because I venience or anything, but would eo games with the speakers blaring that. Do you see where the problem Just out of curiosity, and this might can’t walk anymore. We’re still cool, mind not repeatedly slamming that if you don’t paralyze me from the is here? I think we’re starting to get be a stupid question, but why exact- right? I’m so glad that my parents made me Why yes, I do give a shit forcefully repress my homosexuality about how many credit Gavin Houser homosexuality was a choice — all let, and have a spouse I truly want confirmed heterosexual I knew was that I was attracted to to spend the rest of my life with. men, and that was that. But every Sounds good, right? Wrong! Sure, it hours you have! day I thank God that my parents sounds good. It might even sound understood what a tragedy it would great. Nobody be if I’d continued to live out that But no, Gavin. No, it isn’t great. nobody lifestyle. I know they want me to be How selfish would I be to prefer my happy, so it must have been agoniz- own personal comfort at the price ing for them to sit me down night af- of the deterioration of society? The ter night and read me passages from Lord obviously had a plan for me, the Bible, even as I yelled, screamed, and that plan includes waking up and used some very choice language each morning, punishing myself for to explain to them that I had no con- any gay dreams I may have had by trol over my feelings. depriving myself of a bowl of warm But they saw things differently, and Grape-Nuts, and going to 9-to-5 af- thank goodness they did! fixing magnets to bathroom mirrors So after six arranged dates with to forget about life for a while. Growing up, I went through plenty girls, $5,000 worth of ex-gay conver- I also thank the Lord every day of “phases.” Luckily, my parents were sion therapy sessions, and hours and for my wife Thelma, whom I mar- kind enough to knock some sense hours of crying while shouting self- ried for her beautiful personality. I into me to show me how wrong and loathing platitudes in the mirror, I keep her at arm’s length so she never sinful those “phases” inevitably were. finally shunned my homosexuality. has an opportunity to trick me into For instance, what kind of modern- And my life has never been better! intercourse. Avoiding sex keeps us day success would I be if they hadn’t Just think how depraved and de- both holy and pure. threatened to disown me as a son on grading my life would have turned My mother and father are the my 15th birthday unless I denied my out if I had lived my life as a homo- two smartest, most selfless people deep-seeded homosexual feelings? sexual. I would probably enjoy a de- I know. They must sleep so well at Thanks, Mom and Dad. You re- ceivingly comfy career as an account night knowing that they kept their ally prevented a life of misery and manager at a top interior design son from succumbing to the gay shame! firm, have a spacious downtown loft agenda. I only hope that I can pass At the time, I didn’t think that next to a vintage clothing retail out- such wisdom onto my own son.

22 • opinion www.texastravesty.com zesty for life since 1997 features • 23

this little birdie is telling you to follow us on

twitter.com/TexasTravestytwitter!

The Travesty f i l m f e s t is coming soon! If you’re a filmmaker with a short comedic film, keep checking texastravesty.com for the upcoming details. Join the Travesty! Get Back at Daddy!

applications at texastravesty.com Texas Travesty and Last all ages BYOB Gas Comedy present: l nc h i ne ! u every 4803-B Airport Pan open-mic comedy show 10PM Blvd. next to at Coldtowne Theatre Friday $5 I Luv Video

features • 23 Name: Roadway Productions; Width: 58p0; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Roadway Productions; Ad Number: 00035233