Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

Friday Funnies No 30

Friday 6 NOVEMBEr 2020 By CHris KElly

God's Wife (Continued from last week) An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give THE ART COLLECTOR her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought A New York attorney representing a wealthy art them to her. collector, called and asked to speak to his client. She took the little fellow to the back part of the “Saul, I have some GOOD news and I have some store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed BAD news” his little feet, and dried them with the towel. The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave and she informed me that she has invested $5,000 them to him. She patted him on the head and said, in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' somewhere between $15 and $20 million. And I think she could be right." As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well in his eyes, asked her. done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn't 'Are you God's wife?' she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can *********************** handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

ENGLISH LANGUAGE What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one? Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill. The answer is later in this issue……………………

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Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

ARE YOU INTO SCRABBLE? Hmmmmmmmmmm! This has got to be one of the most clever emails I've Maybe a few repeats here…….. received in a while. Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble. 1. In which battle did Napoleon die? His last battle. When you rearrange the letters…………….. 2. Where was the Declaration of Independence PRESBYTERIAN: Becomes: BEST IN PRAYER signed? ASTRONOMER: Becomes: MOON STARER At the bottom of the page. DESPERATION: Becomes: A ROPE ENDS IT 3. River Ravi flows in which state? THE EYES: Becomes: THEY SEE Liquid. GEORGE BUSH: Becomes: HE BUGS GORE 4. What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage. THE MORSE CODE: Becomes: HERE COME DOTS 5. What is the main reason for failure? DORMITORY : Becomes: DIRTY ROOM Exams. SLOT MACHINES: Becomes: CASH LOST IN ME 6. What can you never eat for breakfast? ANIMOSITY: Becomes: IS NO AMITY Lunch and dinner. ELECTION RESULTS: Becomes: LIES - LET'S 7. What looks like half an apple? RECOUNT The other half. SNOOZE ALARMS: Becomes: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A DECIMAL POINT: Becomes: I'M A DOT IN PLACE Wet. THE EARTHQUAKES: Becomes: THAT QUEER SHAKE 9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? ELEVEN PLUS TWO: Becomes: TWELVE PLUS ONE No problem, he sleeps at night. AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has one MOTHER-IN-LAW: Becomes: WOMAN HITLER hand.

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Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one At other times, this little word has real special hand and four apples and three oranges in meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, other hand, what would you have? work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. Very large hands. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is 12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, special. how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall is already built. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. 13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? We open UP a store in the morning but we close Any way you want, concrete floors are very it UP at night. We seem to be pretty hard to crack. mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk- sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time AN AMAZING 2 LETTER ENGLISH WORD - UP is UP! A reminder that one word in the English language Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and do in the morning and the last thing you do at preposition. night? This two-letter word in English has more meanings Did that one crack you UP? than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], Now I'll shut UP! [adj.], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

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Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

Joke 1 If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus. Joke 2 Not to brag, but I just went into another room and I actually remembered why I went in there. It was the bathroom, but still ... Joke 3 A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya have?" The rabbit replies, "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

Joke 4 MUSIC An arrogant lawyer is driving in , runs a stop sign, and is pulled over by a local We have had this before, but I love the track copper. This conversation follows and I am the editor. I could not imagine a better blend of two generations. Cop: "Licence and registration please." Ok, I am biased, but I am declaring my Lawyer: "What for?" preferred style of music. Cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." So please enjoy a Perfect combination of the skills of Andrea Bocelli and Ed Sherran. Lawyer: "I slowed down and no one was coming." https://youtu.be/eiDiKwbGfIY Cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration please." Lawyer: "What's the difference?" Cop: "Ye have to come to a complete stop. It's the law" Lawyer: "Show me the legal difference between stop and slow down. If you can, give me a ticket. If you can't, let me go without a ticket." Cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The lawyer gets out. The cop takes out his baton, proceeds to hit him repeatedly and says – "Dae ye want me to stop or just slow down?"

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Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

SOME VIDEOS An avid reader pointed out to me that a recent video had a follow-up YouTube video that was also very good. My investigation lead to a few more. These are good for grand-parents when the grand- kids are around. I hope you enjoy them ……. The Present https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XA0bB79oGc Taking Flight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj6V-xZgtlQ

Molly CELTIC THUNDER – CHRISTMAS IN 1915 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj3fadwcNGI A very moving song ………… and my all-time favourite Foghorn Leghorn ….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG3l- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF6qUh3T9KE OBdcPI&list=RDJ_Ayy4XTDds&index=4

SOME COVID READING A COUPLE OF GREAT VOICES Have a close look at the titles ………… Sir Tom Jones and Mike Ward – Duet singing 'Green, Green Grass Of Home' - UK Live https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1suiNZ-IlU

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Friday Funnies by Chris Kelly Edition No 30

JOKE

Two elderly ladies were talking. At our age, I don't know what would be worse; Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" one said. Her wise friend answered, Oh I'd rather have Parkinson's, definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

ENGLISH LANGUAGE -THE ANSWER

STARTLING STARTING STARING STRING STING SING SIN IN I

*** End of Friday Funnies No 30 ***

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