nCAi .or issue Numberi 4i - 1333 ra9oul issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
Spring, 1999 Price: $2 • **lrry W ynt’s
^ ‘fe l i s t Number 141 Editor: Paul Krassner
The World Pornography Conference Mr. Mike: Special Depraved Bonus Bits by Nancy Cain by Dennis Perrin I don ’t know much about pornography but I do watch the news, so I have a clue. I w on’t be shocked. The World Pornography Confer ence is a four-day affair at the Sheraton Universal Hotel and anyone can attend for a mere $175. That’s cheaper than staying home, more fun than Disneyland and, moreover, it's academic. It is sponsored by Saturday Night Live years. I received letters from readers who the Center for Sex Research at California State University, North- thanked me for capturing O'Donoghue's sp.nt, including one from a ridge. You see, this is Hollywood, and around here you can get your man in the Pacific northwest who. inspired by nay subjects fascina Ph.D. in cum shots. tion with the Nazi mindset, wrote a poem about Auschw.tz and gave At first glance, it appears to be an ordinary convention. Is this the me a list of fascist groups that might enjoy the book as w ell-not National Lawyers Guild? The Real Estate Association? It looks like O prah’s Book Club, but recognition all the same. any other industry in the throes of self-importance. There are a hun It warms one to learn that jew-ha.ing, nigger-batting rubes liked dred round tables in the grand ballroom for the daily morning invo Mr. Mike, and I’ve no doubt that O'D himself would kick up his bal- let shoes and laugh at the beauty of it cation and a lot of people arc taking notes. The speaker is droning on about all. What he would make of the critical reception of the book is less certain, interactive hard-core. Some people have their eyes closed. After all, it’s though when faced with negative re only 8 in the morning. I'm trying to views in life he penned nasty letters to concentrate but it’s a little too much the guilty parties which usually like school for me. Something about opened, "Listen dickwad,” and often “the carnal density of vision.” ended, “Let me close with the sincere Linda Williams, Ph.D., University hope that you and everyone you love of California, Berkeley, Department of catches rectal cancer and dies scream Rhetoric and Film Studies, and the au ing. Blow me.” thor of Hard Core: Power, Pleasure This is not to say that Mr. Mike re and the Frenzy of the Visible, is at the ceived only negative reviews. There podium. She’s explaining how w e’re were those who appreciated my cul moving from an era of “ob-scenitics” tural history lesson and said so in to an era of “on-sccnitics.” This is seri print. But there were others who ous. Many pony-tailed guys nod in found Mr. Mike hard going and their agreement. Now I can see that the au confusion and anger was evident in dience is an even mix of what look like their reviews. I portrayed O ’Dono- college professors and porn stars. ghue as a serious artist. Worse still, I At the next table, Nina Hartley— concentrated on his work instead of nurse, educator, producer, director, his cock size. A serious infraction as I performer and feminist sex-positive soon discovered. In American media- advocate—sits with her legs girlishly Michael O'Donoghuc Relaxing at Home land, category is everything. up underneath her on her chair. She is My category was pop culture biogra wearing a short black dress and a sweet smile. Nina is a hero in the in phy, and so it was my duty to expose the “hidden” O ’Donoghue: sex, dustry. Everybody loves her. She’ll be on a panel called “Women and drugs, racial hatred, queer tendencies, the lot. After compiling the ev Pornography: Victims or Visionaries?” I’ll start there. Candida Roy- idence I was then to judge him as a horrible person, or at the very ale, president of Femme Productions and an innovator of couples’ least flawed. The work? O f no real consequence, as the late skull- films from a wom an’s perspective, is the moderator. humper Albert Goldman taught us. Art is subjective and too messy to On the panel is Annie Sprinkle, billed as a 25-year veteran multi- define. But if on e’s subject liked a black dildo up his ass or enjoyed media sex pioneer, activist and educator. “I am orgasmic to be here,” fingering pre-teen girls, the biographer can never be too thorough. If she begins. “It’s a wonderful experience to be taken seriously. I love there are photos, even better. the combination of low-brow and high-brow,” she says, putting her In my case the complaints were roughly the following: (1) I fo finger on the strangeness of the event. She even brought her mom cused too much on O ’Donoghue’s humor and this made his humor along. Totally P.C. hard ^understand; (2) My analysis of O ’Donogh ue’s humor wasn’t Also on this panel is erotic artist Betty Dodson, Ph.D. Now 70, she “funny” enough, because if you write about a humorist, you should has probably seen more thousands upon thousands of pussies than try to match him laugh for laugh; (3) I was “too respectful” of my anyone in the world. In her masturbation workshops over the years, subject and a biographer must never show respect lest his moral judg as she revealed the pleasures of self-love to the women-only groups, ment suffer; (4) I failed to provide enough titillating anecdotes to she got to draw any pussy she wanted, stippling and cross-hatching maintain the reviewers’ interest in O ’Donoghue. It was this final them perfectly with her pencil onto the page. complaint that most frequently aired and which ultimately moved (Continued on Page 3) (Continued on Page 5) http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 02 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
them ... and it is impossible if the victim is struggling with all her COURT JESTER might.” • Christopher Hitchens, for snitching on his friend Sidney Blu- Trying to Keep an Open Mind menthal by filing an affidavit that Blumcnthal told him over lunch that Monica Lewinsky was a stalker, thereby proving that Linda Although I’m not a believer in astrology, or communicating with Tripp is actually Hitchens in drag. “I am you,” she said. “Yes you the dead, I asked astrologcr/psychic Robin Clauson how the Zodiac arc,” he replied. would explain what seems like a massive, positive, paradigm shift, and • Myself, for nominating Hitchens as an asshole of the month, I also mentioned necrobiographer Lawrence Schiller's book blaming thereby depriving myself of laudatory publicity. He had faxed a note JonBenct Ram sey’s murder on her mother. Clauson’s answer: to me: “I’d forgotten that you were phasing out The Realist and, on “As far as reform goes, the Age of Aquarius began last year when the assumption that it’s too late to persuade you otherwise, I’d like to two of the slowest moving planets, Uranus (ruler of Aquarius) & do a column of a valedictory kind.. ..It would be great to have a gen Neptune, co-joined in that sign. This means that the influence of the eral burble as well.” most progressive, altruistic, innovative and rebellious sign will affect Meanwhile, I c-mailed columnist Robert Scheer: “It would be in the cosmos (let’s not be globalcentric here) until 2012 when Neptune teresting to sec what distinction you make—and there certainly is enters Pisces. The era promises to be a rollercoaster ride of total up one—between what you once said about your hypothetical willing heaval of old traditions and linear thinking. ness to reveal what Henry Kissinger told you off the record and what “Personally, 1 d on ’t buy Schiller's Mommy-did-it thesis because Christopher Hitchens has done.” my entire psychic reading class and teacher saw JonBenet running Schcer’s response: “What bullshit! I said that I would print an ‘off away from Daddy due to ongoing sexual and physical abuse. That the record’ remark of a government official if it was of life shattering loose ‘noose’ found around her neck was a sex toy. When I talked to importance and the example that I used was revelation of a planned her in trance she told me, ‘Daddy did it. Daddy killed me.’ Granted nuclear attack. What the fuck does that have to do with ratting out a my source isn’t reliable, nor available, but it was eerie how similar all friend for making a point that had been made over 400 times already our readings were.” in the mass media about Monica? Also, from my experience with Sid ney I don't believe that he planted this story because he never tried to Ah Sordid Announcements do it with me and I have been much more sympathetic to Clinton • Countdown: There arc now only five more issues to come before than Hitchens.” The Realist ceases publication. There will be just two issues a year so that I can have the arbitrary distinction of publishing in two cen President Clinton's Private Confession turies. A subscription is $10, o r $12 if y ou ’d like your gift sub for a friend to start with this issue. Box 1230, Venice, CA 90294. And be The following is an exclusive transcript o f a closed-door, secretly- sure to ask for your free tube of Y2KY Jelly to ease your transition taped prayer breakfast that Bill Clinton hosted for a group of religious into the 21st Century. leaders after the impeachment trial failed to remove him from office. • Also available: my unauthorized autobiography. Confessions of a Gentlemen, and lady—1 guess you must be the Episcopalian— Raving, Unconfined Nut: Misadventures in the Counter-Culture, thank you for being here. It’s too bad Reverend Moon isn't among $25; The Winner of the Slow Bicycle Race: The Satirical Writings of you, so he could perform a mass impeachment of all the senators who Paul Krassner, with a foreword by Kurt Vonncgut, $24; and a collec swore under oath that they would be impartial. But seriously, this tion of columns, bits and pieces, The (Almost) Unpublished Lenny morning I want to begin with an epiphany I had, one that truly hum Bruce, $10. All three for $57. bled me. Strangely enough it happened while I was watching the • In May, Seven Stories Press will publish my Impolite Interviews, Roseanne Show. I’d never seen it before, but she was interviewing with Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl, Dick Gregory, Woody Allen, Jules Paula Jones and, as my mother used to say, my curiosity got the best Feiffcr, Terry Southern, Norman Mailer, Joseph Heller, Alan Watts, of me. Timothy Leary, Ram Dass, Hugh Hefner, Jean Shepherd, Henry Ms. Jones was telling Roseanne about the first time she saw me in Morgan, Ken Kcscy, Jerry Garcia, Leslie Bacon (material witness in the hotel. She was working at the courtesy booth for the governors’ the Capitol bombing by the Weather Underground), Albert Ellis conference. She described me as funny-looking, the way my hair was (theoretician of the sexual revolution), George Lincoln Rockwell styled, being overweight, how my suit was out of fashion and didn’t (head of the American Nazi Party), Jeremy Narby (DNA researcher), fit. So, she was sitting at the registration desk with her girlfriend, Dr. Robert Spencer (for whom I served as an underground abortion pointing at me and giggling. Somehow, I perceived her through the referral service) and Peter McWilliams (medical marijuana activist). filter of arrogance that people with power develop, and I assumed she In September, High Times Books will publish my compilation, Pot was giving me a comc-hithcr look. That simple misperception is what Stories For the Soul, with a foreword by Harlan Ellison. triggered this whole long ordeal. I took her willingness for granted. • New books by Realist contributors: The Best American Erotica It was different with Monica Lewinsky. I mean, she flashed the 1999 edited by Susie Bright; Messiah by Andrei Codrescu; Evolving strap of her thong underwear—it made my heart go thump—and, you with Buddha by Wes Niskcr; It's the Stupidity, Stupid by Harry know, I’m a prisoner in the White House, I can’t go to a motel, but Shearer; Nancy Cain has completed a memoir; and Lynn Phillips Monica appeared like a gift from Heaven, and I succumbed to temp is executive editor of Vaguepolitix, a new online magazine at tation. I was fully cognizant that this was a very delicate situation—I http://vaguepolitix.com. even asked for permission to kiss her—yet I blocked out my fore sight. Way back in college, when I tried to avoid military service, I Assholes o f the Month was already thinking ahead to campaigning for president, but now I • The Taliban, an ultra-orthodox branch of the Islamic religion, for found myself ignoring the immediate likelihood that Monica would making it a criminal offense to play or listen to music. not keep our relationship a secret. • Rep. John Sweeney (R., N ew York), for introducing legislation, I certainly didn’t consider the possibility that she would become so the “Anti-Drug Legalization Act,” that would forbid any federally seriously involved with me. It was embarrassing to hear the tape that sponsored research to examine alternative drug policies such as harm Linda Tripp made, where Monica told her what she said to me on the reduction or decriminalization. phone: “I love you, Butthead.” I remember thinking, “Hey, I’m the • Italy’s highest appeals court, for ruling that a woman could not president of the United States, you can’t call me Butthead.” But I im have been raped because she was wearing jeans, which "cannot even mediately decided to treat it with humor. She hung up before I could be partially removed without the effective help of the person wearing say, “I love you, Beavis.”
http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 03 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
Surprisingly, I was not embarrassed about the infamous cigar inci Monica was positioning herself on the carpet under my desk in the dent. I felt that it was an act of restraint from actual intercourse. Kind Oval Office while I was on the phone with Benjamin Netanyahu. I of tender and playful. Now, if it had been a Cuban cigar, that would was telling him about that time Monica was performing oral sex on have been illegal. But this was not the sort of intimacy that 1 would me while Yasser Arafat was waiting in the Rose Garden for our ap have felt comfortable performing with the First Lady. Hillary and I pointment. I didn’t tell him that she was about to perform the same arc really close but, as I’m sure you understand, no cigar. act on me while 1 was on the phone with him. Anyway, at that point, For her, the most revealing thing in The Starr Report is M onica’s Monica found a big old dusty Mason jar under my desk. There was a fantasy about our being together more often when I’m out of office, label on the side that read, “Property of Ronald Reagan.” The Mason where she quotes me as saying, “I might be alone in three years." jar was filled with Teflon, and I have rubbed it on myself every day Hillary was furious, not only because it was providing a young intern since. with false encouragement, but also because it implied we d on ’t have I began my talk this morning with an epiphany, and I’d like to end sex, and she felt it divulged our agreement that if we were to separate, with another. This epiphany also occurred while I was watching tele it would not occur before we left the White House. vision— Larry King Live— and, once again, Paula Jones was the guest. For me, the most revealing thing— in that same section— is Mon At one point she said, “I’ve never voted in my life.” I was astounded. ica’s testimony that I jokingly said, “Well, what are we going to do Then she said, “I’m so apolitical it’s unreal.” And I realized what when I’m 75 and I have to pec 25 times a day?” True, I did say that, an incredibly great country America really is, that somebody who but I w asn’t joking. It was my fear of old age that kept drawing me to was just a plain citizen, who was never even interested in politics— Monica. She was my direct link to youth. So I was being literal about somebody who had never even voted for a president— had almost peeing 25 times a day when I’m 75. Hell, I drink at least eight glasses succeeded in toppling one. of water a day now—just like I’m supposed to, for my health—but Well, this has been a catharsis for me. I just want to say once more- then I have to pee at least eight times a day. Ironically, I’ve read that if how much 1 appreciate your presence here. And finally 1 would like you have to pee more than eight times in 24 hours, it's a symptom of to share with you a little witticism that Hillary came up with last an overactivc bladder. night, an idea for what my epitaph should be: “Here lies Bill Clinton, Now, there arc things that I’ve done as president that I’m truly but that depends on what you mean by lies.” Isn ’t she wonderful? ashamed of. Even before my inauguration, I made it a point to stop in Oh, and one more thing. N ow listen carefully. I did not have sexual Arkansas to oversee the execution of a mentally retarded prisoner. At assault with that woman, Ms. Broaddrick. I ’ll be honest with you, it his last meal, he said he’d wait to have his dessert, a slice of pecan pic, may have been rough sex, but it was totally consensual. until after the execution, that’s how much he understood what was That, I can guarantee. God bless you. going on. I’m ashamed of underprotecting the rights of gays and ovcrprotccting children from the Internet. I’m ashamed of being against medical marijuana and for requiring a urine test as a perquisite THE WORLD PORNOGRAPHY CONFERENCE for obtaining a driver’s license. I’m ashamed of bombing Iraq, (Continued from Cover) Afghanistan and Sudan. I’m ashamed of increasing the military bud get and decreasing the welfare budget. I’m ashamed of continuing to “When I first displayed my collection of genital portraits to the plant land mines. But the Republicans d id n ’t dare attack me for any of National Organization for Women 25 years ago—a hundred full- these positions because they are their positions too. color, six-foot high, baroque cunts, classic cunts, gothic cunts—they But I ’ll tell you how I survived this past year, how I maintained didn ’t like the word cunt, so I kept saying it over and over, cunt, cunt, such high approval ratings, while Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, until the word was defused. This time they fell by the wayside. H ow I managed, in short, to remain president. It posed for pussy portraits. N ow they were all grinning women.” Nat was partly the state of the economy, and it was partly the state of the urally, this is a crowded, double-sized meeting room. But there are so culture. Pornography is an cight-billion-dollar-a-year business in this many other things happening that I tiptoe out into the corridor and country. Steven Spielberg told me that’s more than H ollyw ood’s en consult my program. A number of other panels arc running concur tire domestic box office receipts. Because that’s what the American rently. I can choose among “Legal Issues,” “Porn as Pop An,” “Vic public wants. And the TV networks exploit that. Harry Thomascn torian Porn,” “Porn as Theater,” “Porno Veritc,” or even “Our Erotic told me it’s why sweeps weeks arc always so raunchy. So then, what I Heritage in Magazines, Films and Sex Toys.” It’s so hard to choose. did w asn’t considered such a big deal after all. I stop in on the Australian Spankers’ panel. At the podium stands a Mainly, though, I have survived because, one sunny afternoon. demure young Australian Ph.D. student, Kathy Albury, University of New South Wales, wearing a black sheath dress with matching horn-rimmed glasses and explaining that a lot of women who like to get spanked have a hard time finding a partner. Either the lover doesn't want to do it for very long because he just wants to get to the fucking, or he’s afraid that he might hurt her. “But,” Dr. Albury says, “even when most women find a good spanker, they still have a hard time asking for a spanking. So, a lot of women just leave the airbrush on the bed, and that makes their part ners think they thought of it themselves.” She reads from her book. Spanking Stories: Straight Theories, Bent Practices, and recommends Paddles, a monthly spanking magazine, for a list of spanking parties in Sidney. I try the next conference-room over. “Outlaws on Movie Posters: The Real Boogie Nights From Those Who Were There.” An old- tim er’s panel. Way back in 1972 (when I was off covering the political conventions in Miami Beach with my video camera), moderator William Margold was lying on his back in a Venice Beach garage and getting blown in his first porn feature. I thought / was making his tory. He thought he was making history. The way lie’s talking, it "This one is an exact copy of Monica’s — sounds like it was a lot of fun. even including a little faux stain." “That's when I knew I could make it in the business,” he recalls. “I http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - P age 04 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/141
could get up, get in, get out, and get off—on cue." He is feeling new cell phone. At the other end of the table, handsome, young Sean warmth and pride, as is the rest of the panel. Gloria Leonard, a former Michaels, looking like Arscnio Hall in a silky black suit with a white star, nods in appreciation of his comradely tales, comparing the old shirt and wing-tipped shoes, is also on his cell phone. There are only days to the present. two other people in the audience when I arrive. Mann closes his “We took pride in what we did, and we all went on to achieve phone and steps over to greet me. greatness,” she says. “Well, maybe not greatness ...” But she done a “Still on the back of the bus,” he jokes, referring to the location of lot. She is president of the Free Speech Coalition which has helped a their small conference room off the pool, pretty far away from the lot of distressed porn actors with health insurance and dental plans, rest of the action. the things that porn workers usually d o n ’t have. They also run a hot I ask if h e ’s been in the industry long, and he tells me that h e ’s been line for porn actors with emotional problems. Gloria is wearing a in it all his life. “Second generation porn industry." beeper because sh e’s on call this weekend at the emergency phones. Oh, here comes Midori. She is one four black porn stars who work She looks like a person you can depend on. She says that compared to with Mann’s company. She is exquisitely beautiful, tall and slim, the old days, the new girl performers are like "Stepford sluts.” I think wearing a skin-tight jungle-print, very short dress and a wig of lovely that means they arc all the same and sort of do what they’re told— long honey-brown hair, falling shoulder-length to her lovely honey- and, of course, because of their identically overly-enhanced breasts. brown skin. In her mid-twenties now, she was a preacher’s kid whose She tells a story about a young woman who recently asked her, grandfather had a big church on the south side of Chicago. Midori "D o you have to fuck to get hired?” Gloria's answer was “No, you was an exotic dancer for four years when she noticed people who d o n ’t have to fuck to get hired because you get hired to fuck.” She were making more money than she was. laughs her throaty, friendly laugh. We laugh with her. “I was kind of curious and wanted to give it a try,” she says. “1 “And in the old days,” she continues, “we had rehearsals.” Rcb found that there is a lack of African-American women who arc being Sawitz, pioneer talent agent, nods, thinking about the good vibes they represented.” That’s what Christian Mann noticed, too. H e ’s found used to have. They were like a family. Still are. the Afro niche and h e ’s filling it. What all the porn stars are interested “Look at these ladies," Gloria says, gesturing to Vanessa Del Rio in is ownership of the product, but as it stands, it's Mann who owns and the other superstars, "This is compassion.” it. Midori wants ownership and so docs Mr. Marcus (he uses no first In the audience is Richard Pacheco, a former porn actor. He still name). He is a top performer, and now director— a cute young guy looks slim and handsome. He quit the business 15 years ago to raise wearing a muscle shirt and a black baseball cap that says L.A. his kids. Everyone on the panel embraces him. H e’s so sweet. They “A lot of my teachers were white," he says, naming a few old- arc all so sweet and loving. With a little coaxing, he tells the story of timers. Mr. Marcus is most proud of his recent film, The World's the making of his great hit, Talk Dirty to Me. This was the movie that Luckiest Black Man. made him a star. He had been using a different name in every movie “What’s it about?” I ask. until that one, where they gave him the name Richard Pacheco. It’s an "It’s me and a hundred women.” emotional story for him even today. “I hate the word porno,” says Scan Michaels, who is not only a He was playing the part of an innocent retarded man who wants to producer, director and actor, h e ’s also a nurse. “I believe in passionate get laid. When he saw the script he co u ld n ’t believe it, because it sex that others can watch and enjoy. I:or me, the industry has great turned out that R ichard’s own adored uncle was a retarded person value to the psyche of the world. It helps people in the bedroom.” and the light of his fam ily’s life. Everyone loved this uncle, including When asked if there is discrimination on the sets of interracial films, Richard, who was able to model his character after the dear man. So, he says, “Yes,” He ascribes it to jealousy and says, “1 ignore it and do the night before they were going to shoot his big scene, his uncle sud my job.” denly died. Richard was in San Francisco and his family and dead One kind of discrimination they describe is when black women uncle were in New York, and because they are Orthodox Jews, his d o n ’t want to work with black men. “One black star told me she did uncle was getting buried so fast that Richard cou ld n ’t even make the n’t want to get stereotyped,” says Mann. “So I said to her, ‘Babe, your funeral. He was devastated. And he was still really sad when he got to name is Onyx, come on!’” the set that morning. At the Awards Luncheon in the Ballroom (admission included in When they shot the scene calling for an intimate moment between registration), Stanley Fleishman, the pioneer 1st Amendment rights the retarded guy and the big stud who befriended him and is going to attorney, takes the prize. So— after a keynote speech by Nadine get him laid, Richard really got into it and took on the spirit of his Strosscn, the first female president of the national ACLU, who is in dead uncle. He was crying and talking about getting laid and in his troduced by Ramona Ripston, Executive Director of the Southern mind he looked up at the ceiling and there before him was the image California ACLU— he graciously accepts. He says that he began o f his dead retarded uncle poking his head through the clouds en working for 1st Amendment rights when a man died in an American couraging his grieving nephew: “That okay, that’s all right, Richie, go prison for doing nothing more than selling books. That was going too ahead, use it!” far. He finished the scene, and when the director called, “Cut,” there Over chicken breasts, broccoli and cheesed potatoes, Helen, a so was silence on the set for a moment and then the crew burst into ap cial worker, tells me her impassioned story. She has a client who really plause. An extremely rare occurrence. Richard felt this was the day needs her help, he suffers from a condition called Lcsch-Nyhan syn that he understood acting. But when he went to see the movie, his big drome. I t ’s a metabolic disorder. One of the horrible things about this scene w asn’t there. Heart pounding, he called the d irector’s assistant disease is that it makes him pretty hard to look at because he has eaten and found out that, during the edit, when the director saw Richard's his nose off. This disease makes him crave flesh. He has to have it. emotional scene, he shouted, “What’s that guy doing crying in the And not just his own. H e ’ll go after yours too. Because of this he is middle of my porn movie? Cut to the fucking!” under constant supervision, and voluntarily has his hands restrained Moderator Margold concludes, “We created the history. I’m proud with leather straps to the arms of his wheelchair so no one will be in as hell to be a part of this. These people are legends. Y ou’ve seen his jured. H e ’s about 35 with an IQ o f about 50, and he has T ou rcttc’s tory here today, kids, and I think they deserve a standing ovation.” Syndrome, so that, on top of everything else, he also blurts out insult And they get it. ing things about you while talking. Christian Mann is the moderator of a panel, “The Commercial En “I may call you a bitch but I d o n ’t mean it,” he tells Helen. But she vironment for African-American Pornography.” He is the president is an incredibly loving person. She pats her heart and her eyes mist of Afro-Centric Productions, and yes, he’s white. He is waiting for up when she speaks of him, even though, if by chance he has the op enough people to find them so they can begin. H e's sitting on one end portunity, he could rip her apart. What he wants, and what Helen of the front table going over some expense figures on his sleek, slim, understands that he needs, is sex. As a professional, she feels that for
http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 05 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
his health and well-being he should be having sex regularly. The way “Oo h ” woman is now on the dance floor and i t ’s a pounding beat. the state pays for his two nurses and caretaker, the way they pay for Soon, a beautiful sophisticated woman walks through the crowded his physical and mental doctoring, Helen feels he should be getting bar and on to the dance floor where she secs the “Oo h ” woman and sexual therapy, but that's illegal. There seems to be no way she can get she comes over and begins to dance with her. Then the “Ooh " him the treatment that she feels could really mellow him out. H e ’s a woman lays the sophisticated woman down on the steps in the virgin. crowded disco and licks her pussy and, while sh e’s doing it, a man H elen ’s story is not a movie, i t ’s real life, but it sounds like the be comes up behind her and fucks her in the ass. I think that might be a ginning of a porn movie, like the ones that arc playing continuously trend. I leave the theater even though the scenes arc continuing. I hear on the roof garden of the Sheraton for the duration of the conference. the echoing sound as I wait for the elevator. Since I haven’t seen much porn in my experience other than Deep Now, “An Architectural Design for an Erotic Zone in a Major Throat, I decide to check out the state of the art. The elevator opens Metropolitan City: The Case for Winnipeg, Canada.” Here, Christina on to a cavernous room with a couple of hundred folding chairs in Kovacs, Department of Architecture, University of Manitoba, is pre front of a large movie screen and a set of giant speakers. Striking is senting her slide show, including a model and a proposed design for a that there are only three other people in the entire tented theater. sex emporium to be built in a very depressed area of her home-town Each alone. I take an aisle scat and try to get a feel for the genre. where there is a growing crime and child prostitution problem. There On the screen is a surprisingly artistic shot of what seems to be a would be restaurants, retail shops, galleries, museums, theaters, night huge, clean, working industrial kitchen. There are stainless steel pots clubs, production studios and, of course, sex spaces with lounges, with steam rising that give the scene a dream-like quality. There arc kitchenettes and theme rooms. sounds of kitchen workers. Enter, a beautiful woman in a business The design is such that cars could still cruise the area and women suit, her mouth set in a permanent “Ooh.” She is standing still and we could still walk the streets and then meet their customers at the sex see that there is a man wearing white pants and no shirt. Watching her. spaces. She has not approached the city fathers about such a project She gazes directly into his eyes and slowly lifts her skirt, rolling it up even though Winnipeg has a rich history of red-light districts from above her garters, and we can sec that she is wearing no panties. She the days of the wild west, and could certainly use an economic boost. opens her legs just slightly and, standing over a porcelain kitchen pot, There arc still a lot o f streets there that arc named after old prosti she pecs a little pale stream of urine into it. The man licks his lips tutes— Lizzie, Anabella—but still she d oesn ’t think they’ll be inter slightly. She never takes her eyes off of him. Her lips in that perpetual ested. It's purely academic to Christina. I suggest that if she had the “Ooh.” The steam rises around them somewhat, while the clanking stomach for it, she might approach some little town in Nevada and of pots and pans can be heard in the kitchen. actually get the capitalization to build the thing. A member of the au The “Ooh ” woman reclines and opens her pussy lips with her fin dience is enthusiastic about doing it in Denver. gers and rubs her clit while gazing at him. He approaches her, reaches And now, appropriately, the ultimate panel, “The Money Shot in into his white trousers and pulls out his penis, stroking it stiff. She Pornography Movies,” with Jacob Hale, Ph.D., from the Center for sucks on his penis. He sucks on her clit. She turns over and he fucks Sex Research, CSUN, and Peter Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., San Fran her in the ass. There is no reaction from any of the four of us in the cisco, who is presenting his work, Cum Shots: History, Theory and audience. Then the scene changes and i t ’s a crowded disco and the Research. But the big hit of this session is Richard Brent, who talks about “Multi-Orgasmic Males.” He, apparently uniquely, needs no refractory period between orgasms and can have as many as five or gasms in six minutes. As many as forty in three hours. He was part of a study at a major university back cast but since he was the only par ticipant, it was hard to get any good statistics. Brent is searching for others with the same ability but has had no luck so far. The packed audience gapes in amazement at his story. Finally, there is one ques tion from the back of the house: “Do you have an agent?”
MR. MIKE: SPECIAL DEPRAVED BONUS BITS (Continued from Cover) me. Since O ’Don ogh u e was part of the original Saturday Night Live, a nose candy paradise as w e’ve been told a few thousand times, it was my responsibility to hold the coke-lined mirror up to the reader and shake my head in contempt. Though I did mention drugs and their relation to O ’Donoghue (he was a regular smoker of marijuana and used Percodan to quell his migraines), I d id n ’t wallow in them nor did I condemn their use, and this proved that I was not serious about exposing O ’Donoghue the Man. Perhaps the most instructive critique I received came from a re viewer in a New York weekly. She tried to lay out O ’Don ogh u e’s ca reer timeline (numerous errors were made throughout, the wrong quotes attributed to the wrong people, names and dates mixed up) be fore she came to the problem: I failed to dish enough decadent gossip. She was miffed and claimed that O ’Don ogh u c would have shared her view. She lauded Bob W oodw ard’s Wired as an in-depth “psycholog ical study” o f John Belushi, and concluded that Mr. Mike did not measure up to this fine effort. After all, Woodward detailed B clu sh i’s hunger for drugs in a man ner much admired by the reviewer and her editors. When describing Belushi’s dead, bloated body in the Chateau Marmont, Woodward Safe Sex on the Bicycle Path was positively sublime, focusing on the discoloration o f skin, the http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 06 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
blood- and phlegm-stained sheets surrounding the head, the rancid masks of pain. Whether these photos served as masturbatory aides is odor coming off the corpse— the work of a true pro. Is it a surprise unknown (though likely), but they certainly provided some level of that after nearly 15 years, Wired remains in print? If only I can say the inspiration. For deep within O ’Don ogh u c’s files are dozens of Po same of my book in 2013. laroid snapshots of himself bound with rope, arms and legs hog-tied Pondering this, I pulled from my files the folder in which I kept behind his prone body. A rubber ball is stuffed in his mouth, and he is O ’Don ogh u c’s personal secrets. Having had complete access to his clad solely in red satin briefs, stretched to their limit by a rather im files, I naturally encountered many peculiar bits. Some of these were pressive erection. used in the final book, but only as shading: I d id n ’t want to stray O ’Don ogh u c is helpless in the hands of two former porn actresses from my plan to establish O ’Don ogh u c’s cultural importance. Yet who take turns tweaking his thin, pale frame. One pours hot wax on upon re-examining the material, I now see that I was too rigid in my his nipples, the other grinds her stiletto heel into his groin. Bite and insistence that The Work predominate. scratch marks appear along his chest and belly. O ’Donoghuc is re After all, most book reviewers spend more time in front of a televi warded for his endurance as one of the women cradles his face be sion than in front of a text, and thus arc conditioned to expect certain tween her large tits. He's also given a whiff of her moist snatch, and things— especially from a book that deals with television. N o wonder one can almost discern a smile forming around that rubber ball. they moaned so! Like a Weimar cabaret audience, they were primed O ’Don ogh u c loved taking photos o f his playmates (that is, when for midgets cracking whips and instead got a reading from Max his arms were free). Countless snapshots exist where women, whether Stirner’s Der Einzige und Sein Eigentum. I feel badly about the whole friends, acquaintances or those being paid for their time, model lin mess and wish, at this late date, to bring to those who still care the gerie in his apartment. Some flash their breasts. Some show a bit of torrid parts of O ’Don ogh u c’s life that I arrogantly, mistakenly kept pink. Some arc dressed as whores, others as nasty little girls, clutching to myself. a teddy bear while wearing no panties. These themes dominate most of Michael O ’Donoghue liked to wear w om en ’s lingerie. Silk panties O ’Don ogh u e’s photography, yet one is struck by how he casts each and chemises provided hours of pleasure as he sashayed through his model in a romantic light. These women were not mere tramps Manhattan townhousc and admired his feminine side in tall, ornate whose purpose was get O ’Don ogh u c off and then leave his sight. mirrors. He sometimes shaved his legs, but not his beard, which con There's something more, an emotional investment he made that the trasted with the girlish image he strove to affect. Yet despite this aes women understood, appreciated and oftentimes returned. You can thetic crudity, O ’Donoghuc looked quite fetching, especially when he see it in their letters to him, mash notes filled with passion and dec added wig, nylons and feathered boa. A come-hither pose on a divan, larations of love. As with his best comcdic work, O ’Donoghuc was the sultry pout as he planted a single leg atop a black stool (affording meticulous with those who agreed to pose for him, play with him, the lucky voyeur a glimpse of inner-thigh), the queen bitch stride have sex with him. N o gesture was wasted nor meaningless. A few across polished wooden floors— here was O ’Don ogh u e the Woman of the call girls hired for these sessions continued to write to in full-bloom. O ’Don ogh u c well after their involvement with him ended, so His commitment was such that when he got dolled up, he named touched were they by his attentiveness and care. H ow many of their the persona “Michelle.’’ And like any hot babe devoted to sex games, other clients treated them like models, worthy of being captured Michelle often cavorted with a bevy of lewd young things who ser on film? viced their mistress according to her stated desires. This of course in Once I returned these items to my files, I felt relieved. I believe I cluded sex, but the girls also acted out scenes written in advance by have, in a minor way, sated the appetites of those reviewers who Michelle who, sitting nearby, guided them along with the seriousness needed to know the above information. As for me, I have a deeper and purpose of any Broadway director. As one of the playmates once understanding of the modern bio form. Is there more? Plenty, but I put it, Michelle taught her the “meaning of control.” lack the space here to go into it. Perhaps another time before Herr Controlled action while in silk was but one clement to O ’ Krassner closes shop. I will say that while taking a walk in my neigh D on ogh u c’s private life. He fancied bondage too, as well as the occa borhood, 1 passed a bookstore window and saw on display a new sional session of serious S&M. His files contained magazine photos of biography, The Shameful Life o f Salvador Dali. “Jesus!” I said women bound, blindfolded and gagged, their nipples squeezed to myself. “The perfect title! Why the fuck d id n ’t / think of that?!” through coarse strands of rope, their faces pinched into grotesque Why indeed?
The Christian Wrong When Jerry Falwcll told a conference on evangelism that the Antichrist is a Jew be cause “if h e ’s going to be the counterfeit of Christ, he has to be Jewish,” he d id n ’t con sider the possibility that anyone who would pretend to be Christ could also pretend to be Jewish. N ow Falwell claims that an animated TV character, Tclctubby Tinky Winky, is homo sexual, because he has the voice of a boy but Last Meals potato with butter, asparagus, salad with blue carries a handbag (actually his magic bag). An Jaturun Siripongs was executed in Febru cheese dressing, apple pie a la mode and milk. article in F alw ell’s National Liberty Journal ary. For his last meal, he was served two 40- William Bonin— two large pepperoni and states that children may be in moral danger ccnt cups of Mission Pride canned peaches sausage pizzas, three pints of coffee ice cream if they arc allowed to play with the toy. “He and two 45-ccnt cans of Lucky Arctic Iced and three six-packs of Coca-Cola. is purple, the Gay Pride color, and his an tea. Other last meals of executed prisoners: Thomas Thompson— Alaskan king crab tenna is shaped like a triangle, the Gay Pride Robert Alton Harris— Kentucky Fried legs with melted butter, spinach salad, pork symbol.” Chicken (extra crispy), D o m in o ’s Pizza (no fried rice, Mandarin-style spare ribs, a hot If it turns out Tinky Winky is Jewish, then anchovies), jelly beans and Pepsi. fudge sundae and a six-pack of Coke. Falwcll will finally have outed the Antichrist. Keith Williams— fried pork chops, a baked David Mason— ice water.
6 http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 07 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/141
Anita and the Blow-Up Doll I suggested to CBS that they ought to pay ironically, that she w ou ld n ’t get promoted be for the LSD, because I was curious to sec cause of sexism. This was in 1967. by Paul Krassner whether they would charge the expense to She met Abbie— who also had a M aster’s in Exactly five weeks before Sunday, Decem Entertainment or Travel. Blaming my sug psychology—when she went to volunteer at ber 27, 1998—the day that Anita Hoffman gestion, they changed their corporate mind, Liberty House, a store he founded as an out had chosen to die— she was talking on the expressing fear that the trip would now be let for items crafted by poor people in the phone about a blow-up doll that she and her “staged.” We took the acid anyway—Abbic, South. That evening, Anita and Abbic had husband, Abbic, had once bought as a present Anita, my friend, Phyllis, and me—and we their first date. She put on the Beatles’ “Re for me. That was almost three decades ago. watched CBS. Every commercial seemed volver” album, and while they were dancing The blow-up doll never arrived, and Anita to be trying to sell us what we were already she told him that she w asn’t a good dancer now found it necessary to reassure me that on. but that she was a good kisser. Abbic stayed they really had ordered it. Their gift may have At one point, Abbic and Anita left the liv the night. Soon after, they got married in been a gag, but it w asn’t a hoax. ing room, and when they walked back in, Central Park in an alternative ceremony. “We were probably the only ones that hap they were both totally naked, smiling Without telling her, Abbie had leaked an invi pened to,” she said. broadly. I suspected they might have an im tation to the press, and a photo of their wed “Oh, no,” I replied, “I think they probably promptu foursome in mind, but Phyllis whis ding appeared in Time magazine, where they screwed everybody. No one ever received pered to me, “I think we ought to leave now.” were identified only as “a hippie couple.” their blow-up doll, but they were all too em Just then a phone call came about some trou Anita wore dark glasses because she d id n ’t barrassed to report it to the Better Business ble at the 9th Precinct. Abbic and Anita want to be recognized by her parents. She had Bureau.” quickly got dressed, and we all strolled down taken her vows with Abbie, and now she was My missing blow-up doll was just another to the police station. Some African-American also married to the media. loose end from Anita’s past. She was in the kids had been busted for smoking marijuana There was, for example, the fake orgy that process of tidying up her life before taking it. in Tompkins Square Park. Abbic wanted to took place in their apartment. In order to Three of my closest friends had ended their indicate that there could be solidarity be build up interest in the exorcism of the Penta lives too early—comedian Lenny Bruce in the tween hippies and blacks, so he insisted on gon, Abbic had invented an imaginary drug, ‘60s, folksingcr Phil Ochs in the 70s and rev getting arrested too. The cops refused to LACE—supposedly a combination of LSD olutionist Abbic Hoffman in the ‘80s—and I oblige his request, but Abbie just stood there and DM SO—which, when applied to the was deeply saddened each time, but it was in the lobby of the stationhousc. Captain skin, would be absorbed into the bloodstream different with Anita. Joseph Fink beckoned to me. to act as an instant aphrodisiac. It was to be “There’s no despair here,” she said. “I’m “Paul, do you think you can persuade sprayed on military police and the National happier than I ’ve ever been. I’m really look Abbie to leave?” Guard in Washington. Actually, LACE was ing forward to my death.” “Abbic's his own man,” I replied. “Shapiro’s Disappcaro,” a novelty item from She had been suffering from breast cancer, Abbie was standing in front of a display Taiwan that leaves a purple stain, then disap which metastasized to her hips. In September case filled with trophies. Suddenly he kicked pears. A press conference was called to she e-mailed: “I’ve been very ill. Too sick to backwards with his boot, breaking the glass demonstrate the effect of LACE on three hip sit at computer, thus offline for several weeks. as though there were an emergency. Since pie couples. Mattresses were spread across the Today felt like sitting here and catching up. Abbic was most meditative when he was living-room floor for them to have sex on I’m undergoing radiation treatment. The can engaged, this was for him a transcendental after being sprayed with LACE from squirt cer in my spinal column is affecting my spinal moment. guns, while the reporters took notes. I;or cord, and thus weakening my right leg. I can’t “Now y o u ’re under arrest,” yelled Captain some reason, Abbie w asn’t even there, leaving walk so good. Use cane. Bedridden. Anyway Fink. the shy Anita to host this bizarre prank. the radiation is in hope of stopping that en Abbie enjoyed the rest of that particular Originally, I was supposed to be there as a croachment.” She spent her time on the Inter acid trip behind bars. Phyllis went home, and reporter who got accidentally sprayed with net, watching television, and reading the New I accompanied Anita back to the apartment LACE. To my surprise, 1 would put down York Times, which d id n ’t carry program list on St. Marks Place, where she immediately my pad, take off my clothes and start making ings for California, so I got her a subscription got on the phone to contact lawyers—and out with a beautiful redhead who had also to TV Guide. journalists. “Hi,” she would begin each call, been accidentally sprayed. I was looking for “I must admit,” she said, “that I’m hypno "this is Anita Hoffman— Abbic’s wife....” ward to this combination media event and tized anew by the visual medium.” That was her role, and she played it with dili blind date. Even though the sexual revolution But now she was paralyzed from the waist gence. She would have preferred a simpler was at its height, there was something excit down and had been informed that she had lifestyle, but Abbie functioned as a commu ing about knowing in advance that I was two months to live. “Maybe four,” she said, nity organizer, and Anita was his willing guaranteed to get laid, although I felt guilty “but, you know, I've always been a pes helpmate. Whether bailing him out o f jail or about attempting to trick fellow reporters. simist.” So here she was, at the age of 56, in an bringing him to a hospital after a demonstra But there was a scheduling conflict. 1 was al altered state bordering on ecstasy from tion, she was always there for him, planning ready committed to speak at a literary confer painkilling drugs— morphine, Marinol, mar and participating in guerrilla theater events, ence at the University of Iowa on that same ijuana—and the self-empowerment of or from showering $1 bills on the Stock Ex day. So Abbie assigned me to purchase some chestrating her own departure. change to levitating the Pentagon. corn meal in Iowa, which would be used to * » * Abbic provided an adventurous vehicle for encircle the Pentagon as a pre-levitation rite. I When we lived in New York City in the the radical consciousness that Anita had al was a rationalist, but it was hard to say no to ‘60s, Anita and Abbic's TV screen had the ready been exercising before they met. She Abbic. And so I flew back to New York with word Bullshit! taped on the lower right-hand had become politicized simply by reading be a 13-pound sack of coarse corn meal properly corner. Our friendship was permeated with tween the lines of the New York Times. With stored in the overhead compartment. The media manipulation and punctuated by LSD a M aster’s degree in psychology, she had in hippie who had substituted for me in that os sessions. So when CBS News wanted to film tended to get a Ph.D., but dropped out be tensibly accidental sexual encounter with the a hippie acid trip at the Hoffmans’ apartment cause she was so upset about the Vietnam beautiful redhead at the LACE press confer on the Lower East Side, being countercultural War. She began working for the New York ence ended up living with her. Somehow I felt propagandists, we agreed to do it. As a joke, Civil Liberties Union, but quit her job, afraid, cheated. http://www.ep.tc/realist 7 THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issu e Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - P age 08 scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
“You really should have a steady girl were planning to invade. He told me that he intended for Anita, which would mean that friend,” Anita teased. had decided to run for president, and wanted the one she was now unwrapping would have Abbic and Anita had an open marriage but to know if I thought Bob Dylan would make the calendar for a year in which she would be only Abbic acted on it. He was insatiable. He a good vice president. dead. What could have been an unintentional often stopped by my loft on Avenue A with “Oh, sure,” I replied, “but to tell you the sick joke d id n ’t occur, though, and the relief his latest lust object for a matinee perfor truth, I d o n ’t think Dylan would ever get in was worth the tension. mance. I would be at my desk, writing some volved in electoral politics.” Anita was living her fantasy. She could not thing for The Realist or on the phone, and Instead, Gregory would end up with attor- only see the sky, but also the San Francisco they would be screwing away in my bed. ncy/assassination-rcsearchcr Mark Lane as Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. Alcatraz Is Abbic obviously wanted his trysts to be kept his running mate. Next I called Jerry Rubin in land was included in the view, though not secret. Yet, since he and Anita were my New York to arrange for a meeting when wc from the angle of her bed, and she preferred it friends individually as well as a pair, I felt returned. The conspiracy was beginning. that way. Her appetite was ravenous, and her conflicted—strangely disloyal—as though I And, concomitantly, egos were expanding. humor was dark. After devouring a pastrami were part of a conspiracy to keep the truth Rubin would later insist that he had called us, sandwich, she remarked, “I better brush my from her. but there was no telephone at our housc-on- teeth, I d on ’t want to get gum pockets.” In December 1967, the three of us decided stilts. When I returned, 1 could hear the ram Someone was bringing over “pineapple-co to take a vacation in the Florida Keys. We bunctious sounds of Anita and Abbie making conut ice cream to die for,” and Anita re rented a small housc-on-stilts in Ramrod Key. love, alternately moaning and giggling. This, sponded, “I guess I’m ready for that.” And We heard on the news about black leader then, was the conception of the Yippics— the when we were talking about an upcoming Stokely Carmichael’s return from Africa to Youth International Party—an organic cross- movie, she said, “I'm sure w e’ll all be going to the United States, and Anita remarked that fertilization of psychedelic dropouts and po see that...oops.” In this frame o f mind, she wc should have been at the airport to greet litical activists. We had come to share an would act on an impulse immediately be him. Instead, wc ingested acid at the Sca- awareness of the connection between putting cause, as she explained, “I’ll never have a quarium in Miami and watched dolphins people in prison for smoking marijuana in chance to do it again.” And so she asked for a frolicking. this country and burning them to death with photo that was on a bookshelf. The rest of us “I think hippies have been using dolphins napalm on the other side of the planet. in the room assumed that perhaps she was for their role models as pioneers in a leisure This was the most exciting acid trip we'd going to share a memory, but instead she sim economy," Anita observed. ever had. ply ripped the photo in four pieces and tossed We had planned to see The Professionals * * * them in the trash. Who was in that photo and with Burt Lancaster and Lee Marvin— Two days before Thanksgiving 1998, Anita why she tore it up remains a mystery. "That’s my favorite movie,” Abbie said—but moved from Petaluma to San Francisco, care The question arose, since Anita was so eu it was playing too far away, so instead we saw fully chauffcurcd by photographer Robert phoric, why not continue living? But her eu the Dino Di Laurcntiis version of The Bible. Altman. phoria came from knowing exactly when On the way back home, Anita mediated our “Goodbye, room,” she said to her little there would be closure. O f course, Anita’s debate about the implications of Abraham cottage. “Thanks for giving me cancer.” family—her mother, her sister, her son— were being prepared to slay his son because God Her immobility had prevented her from not quite so elated. Nevertheless, she wanted told him to do it. I dismissed this as blind seeing the sky, but her friend Cindy Palmer them to be at her bedside “to comfort each obedience. Abbie praised it as revolutionary was living at a house in San Francisco owned other.” 9 » » trust. This was the week before Christmas. by her daughter, actress Wynona Rider, and Wc purchased a small tree and spray-painted offered the master bedroom to Anita. The Before the debacle outside the Chicago it with canned snow. plan was to have a steady stream of visitors convention in the summer of 1968 was offi Still tripping, wc watched Lyndon Johnson there. Poet Diane Di Prima, for instance, cially labeled as "a police riot,” Mayor being interviewed. The TV set was black and would be coming over to read Buddhist death Richard D aley’s office produced a documen white, but LBJ on LSD was purple and or prayers. Timothy Leary was Anita’s role tary, What Trees D o They Plant?—asserting ange. His huge head was sculpted into Mount model during the final months of his life, ex that reporters were accidentally beaten by po Rushmorc. “I am not going to be so pudding- cept that, unlike him, she would not be seeing lice because their credentials were hidden in headed as to stop our half of the war,” he was groupies or reporters. Leary had said, "You their jacket pockets. Even if that were true, it saying. N ow the heads of the other presi cou ld n ’t choose how and when and with only indicated that the cops did in fact attack dents— George Washington, Thomas Jeffer whom you were bom, but you can take at random, but the truth was that clubbings son, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt charge of your own death,” and now that’s took place as a result o f being shown press — were all snickering to themselves and cov precisely what Anita was doing. cards. Notebooks were seized, cameras were ering their mouths with their hands so they " I ’m in total hostess mode,” she said, joy smashed, film was thrown into the lake. w ou ld n ’t laugh out loud. fully. “I’m on automatic party time.” When this anti-protesters documentary ap Abbie, Anita and I talked about the styles My wife, Nancy, and I flew to San Fran peared on network TV, the Yippies managed o f protest that would be taking place at the cisco in early December to visit her. Steve to get rebuttal time. Abbie asked me to write Democratic National Convention in Chicago Wasscrman, a friend and editor of the Los An a script. At one point, I included this line: “It the next summer. While the Democrats geles Times Sunday Book Review, arranged to is not that wc hate America, it is that we feel would present politicians giving speeches at be on the same flight. He had once edited the the American dream has been betrayed.” the convention center, we would present rock Times’ Sunday Opinion section, but moved "But wc do hate America,” Anita scolded bands playing in the park. There was no sepa to New York to escape the pain of an unre me. ration between our culture and our politics. quited crush on Anita. Now he was going to “You hate what America has become.” We would have booths with information see her for the last time. My friend Julius We argued, but she finally agreed with me, about drugs and alternatives to the draft. I picked us up at the airport. Wc brought him a and the line stayed in. Indeed, at the Chicago went outside and, under the glow of moon Buddha candle and a 1999 calendar. For Anita conspiracy trial, Abbie repeated that line in light, I followed a neighborhood crow named we brought a mushroom candle, a C D — his final statement. Moreover, when Anita Alice down the road to a gas station, where Krishna Das’ “Pilgrim H eart”—and a bag of gave birth to a baby in 1971, he was named there was a phone booth. First I called Dick cookies. At her bedside, I panicked at the amcrica—with a lower case a “because wc Gregory in Chicago, since it was his city we possibility that I had given Julius the candle d id n ’t want to be pretentious,” she explained.
8 http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 09 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/reallst/141
"We chose that name because he was our vi nistic that, afraid for her safety, she climbed warn certain visiting friends— Martin and sion of what the country could be.” While out a window to escape. N ow they were all Susan Carey from Woodstock; Nancy Kur- amcrica went to school, he was called Alan, laughing about it over an afternoon snack of shan from Chicago (who ran the Yippie office though he would later reclaim his name, and matzohs and jam. and was Jerry R ubin’s girlfriend)— that they his heritage. Sam and Walli Leff, Yippie archivists and would not be portrayed in the movie. In 1974, Abbie went into hiding for several the cornerstone o f A b b ic’s overground sup “The film makes it seem as though Stew years after he was arrested for selling cocaine. port system while he was a fugitive, flew in and Judy were the only other Yippies and our He and Anita had already separated, but she from New York. At Anita’s request, they best friends," she told me. “Everything other continued to be supportive, even after he met brought from Zabar’s delicatessen a carton, people did, such as donate their k id’s bar Johanna Lawrcnson while he was on the lam packed with dry ice and properly stored in mitzvah money— the Careys— or forward and she became his “running mate.” In a letter the overhead compartment, containing kip underground mail, is credited to Stew and included in a collection of the correspondence pered salmon, sliced sturgeon, smoked sable, Judy. When I mentioned the paucity of other between Anita and Abbie, To America with herring in cream sauce, herring in wine sauce, characters, Robert replied that on a low bud Love: Letters From the Underground, Anita whitefish, Jewish rye bread with caraway get film we just can’t afford a lot o f major wrote, "I needed to live desperately, sepa seeds, cole slaw, potato salad, Russian coffee players. This is Hollywood.” rately from you in order to become a separate cake— and they had a lovely picnic in her Robin Williams learned about Anita’s situ person. Do you understand?” bedroom. ation from his co-star in G ood Will Hunting, Anita gave me an inscribed copy of the Ron Turner, publisher of Last Gasp C om Matt Damon, who had been told about it by book. And she made sure that Abbie mailed ics, brought a whole case of grape soda, and his girlfriend, Wynona Rider. Williams had me his signature on a yellow Post-It. promised to deliver a video o f A Bug’s Life. never met Anita, but he called and offered to » * * Janeane Garofalo, who had successfully pay a visit, in keeping with his benign case of In the final weeks of Anita’s life, members sought to play the part of Anita in Robert Patch Adams syndrome. After all, if Patch of her extended family visited her in San G recnw ald’s unreleased film biography of could travel to Trinidad to entertain murder Francisco. Abbie, Steal This Movie, for which Anita was ers who were hanged three days later, why Stew and Judy Albert, co-editors of The a consultant, came to visit her fading proto sh ou ldn ’t it be appropriate for Robin to make Sixties Papers, flew in from Portland, Oregon. type. They had met during the filming. She Anita laugh on Christmas day? Anita hesi They had a reunion in A nita’s bedroom with called Anita "a very, very bright woman who tated— “I’ve never really been a fan of his Rosemary Leary, whom they had last seen definitely marched to the beat of her own work”—then invited him to come. He did twenty years ago, when they were all tripping drummer She was very dynamic. When she conversational schtick for a solid hour, and on the beach in Algeria. Anita was there try walked into the room, you knew she was she became an instant fan. ing to renew an alliance between the Yippies there.” Garofalo said the whole experience Jay Levin, who had been a reporter for the and the Black Panthers, but she found El- reinforced her desire “to live a very Berkeley New York Post assigned to cover the Yippies, dridge Cleaver so authoritarian and mysogy- life wherever I am.” Anita felt she had to then became a Yippie himself, and years later launched the L.A. Weekly, was also there, and
|<*>mftVfcTiVC M ilk CMTKt SUM T» VIIW ••A PUU Wtttftt WABXaBE U fT lS U Mitt Ito H tT KVlKHB MAV K llferttO BY M i>U' described Williams as “an incredibly funny MAlMSTACAM .KeRMAUiM M * S I S MING [ 11*1146 TMl fitTlHSl ot OUlCTiVirt” me. wt rue r o t n tw s CAAHUtL-awm *y 1 S T Ot »AOKAlliM AH6 SVtttmtCM-- MXILt M A M C lllS k Y *ANT|M
petitioned Governor Nelson Rockefeller to Where They Sit about who is sitting upon what, and why, arc raise the penalty from one to four years for now flying every which way. A few o f the possession. The Valentine joints were sent by Lynn Phillips more credible ones follow: anonymously to various mailing lists— teach If the motto of the Bush regime was “Read During his impeachment trial, Clinton sat ers, journalists— and to a guy listed in the My Lips,” that of the Clinton era may turn on a SCU D missile to make himself appear phone book as Peter Pot. The project was fi out to be “Scratch My Ass.” Like, back in relevant to peace in the Middle East. nanced by Jimi Hendrix. One newscaster November of last year there was the excite Monica Lewinsky sat upon a box of Ha who displayed a joint was visited by a pair of ment of the sitting thing. vanas— to give the illusion that she is capable narcotics agents on camera while he was still The Los Angeles Times kicked it off by re o f keeping the lid on something. delivering the news, a TV first. porting that Special Anti-Clinton Prosecutor Linda Tripp sat on M onica’s psychiatric I discussed this political prank on the Kenneth Starr sat at the witness table during records, to indicate that there are secrets with Tonight Show, and Anita recounted it in the House Judiciary Com m ittee’s impeach which she can be trusted, as a friend, to keep Trashing, a fictionalized account of the Yip- ment inquiry on top of a briefcase, “which to herself, especially if they, like, cast doubt pies, under the pseudonym Ann Fcttamcn. made him appear taller.” Days later the Times on Lewinsky's testimony. “There was no way of knowing how many corrected the story, admitting that it was not Illinois Rep. Henry Hyde, the House people got high on Halloween [sic]," she Ken Starr, but President C lin ton ’s personal member who headed the sex, lies and im wrote, “but we knew it was the busiest night attorney in the Monica Lewinsky case, David peachment review of President Clinton, did in the history of the Narcotics Division." Kendall, whose stature had been enhanced by so while seated on a Beatles album to evoke The next day I was visited by a pair of nar the briefcase. his swollcn-with-virility glory days of cotics agents who had seen me on TV. I told Contradictory though they were, both sto 1965-69 when, just hitting his forties, he them that the Mafia must have sent out all ries continued to circulate on the Internet si managed to commit adulter)' with the then those marijuana joints in order to discredit multaneously. Apparently, after endless Mrs. Cherie Snodgrass, a young married the Yippics. months of media posturing, leaking and mes adulteress 12 years his junior. And, although I was the one who had been sage-spinning, news consumers intuitively Pro-life Rep. Robert Barr of Georgia, pros tripping on acid, it was a viewer who wrote to believe that W ashington’s powermeisters rou ecutor in the Senate trial of President Clinton, NBC complaining that I had worn a shirt tinely sit bestride inappropriate objects to did his prosecuting while sitting on the bot with the internal diagram of a uterus. make themselves appear other than they are. tled fetus he fathered and whose abortion he * 9 » So compelling is this idea that rumors approved— then lied about under oath. He Anita was efficient in death as in life, taking assumed this grisly pose in order, as his care of business right to the end. And so it spokespersons claim, to “appear on top of the was that I received a refund from TV Guide correspondence several weeks earlier. Finally, situation.” for the unused portion of her subscription. she called Steve Wasserman and told him that Rep. Dan Burton (R-Ind.), while conduct Details, details... she was dying—yes, she played the death ing the House probe into C lin to n ’s campaign At 10 p.m. on Saturday, December 26, she card—and he published her letter: fund-raising, will be sitting on a copy of Hus ingested a cocktail that had previously been “Ab b ic’s legend has a life of its own by tler magazine in order to appear to have ac provided by a compassionate doctor. That she now and is surely beyond correction, but I knowledged the illegitimate child of his would administer her own deliverance in such can’t help sending in a small correction to J. extramarital affair out of the paternal good a way had been kept secret from almost H obcrm an ’s otherwise fine review of Steal ness of his heart, and not because publisher everyone. Not even the hospice volunteers This Dream and four other books about the Larry Flynt threatened him with exposure. knew. On Sunday, at 4:15 p.m., Anita accom ‘60s counterculture. Contrary to the quota Republican Rep. Helen Chcnowcth of plished her goal. She died in peace and seren tion from one observer, Abbie Hoffman did Idaho, Clinton-rcsignation-scckcr who ad ity, believing in the continuation of her not ingest LSD ‘like cornflakes’ every morn mitted to having had a long-term affair with a consciousness. ing. I would estimate he took LSD about four married man more than a decade ago, will be “I know I’m not enlightened," she said, “so times a year for three years during the late sitting on Dan Burton in an effort to appear I ’ll probably have to come back.” ‘60s. Also, Abbie never took acid or any other superior to him. In her latter years, Anita had become in psychedelic during the Chicago conspiracy Ex-House Speaker-elect Bob Livingston trigued by the twin towers o f mysticism and trial. It was Paul Krassncr who was on acid (R-La.), when he resigned his speakership in conspiracy. She read books and magazine ar during his testimony in that trial. Abbie and I shame over breached marriage vows to his ticles, and loved to listen to Art Bell's late- were furious and didn ’t speak to Krassncr for wife, was sitting on a lucrative law-and-lob- night radio show. She believed that there is several years thereafter. I think i t ’s important bying job offer in D.C. so as to appear less in life on other planets, and accepted the notion to be accurate about this for the sake of sufferably self-sacrificing. of certain U FO aficionados that extraterres young people who may be influenced. I con Trent Lott, Senate Majority Leader (R- trials have been making a movie of the earth’s tinue to believe that psychedelics are a useful Miss.), who has feigned ignorance of the white progress. tool or sacrament for special occasions.” racist policies of the Council of Conservative Her last words to me were, “I hope I re Actually, it was not several years, but ten Citizens—a group he actively supports—sat member to ask to sec that movie.” months, that Anita and Abbie d id n ’t speak to on the white sheet and hood given him by the »»» me, although it seemed like several years. Ten C C C so as to appear to not be wearing them. “Somehow, Abbie will see the movie,” months after the break-up of our friendship, I David Duke, poster-boy of the CCC, who Anita had said— referring to Steal This had noticed a tiny ad in the movie section— is running for the congressional scat vacated Movie, in which she plays a cameo role in a The Professionals was playing at the Charles by Rep. Bob Livingston, will be sitting on the courtroom scene. “He was the love o f my Theater on Avenue D — s o I mailed the clip Rev. Jerry Falwcll in order to appear legitimate. life,” she added. “One o f the best things ping to them, and forgot about it. But that Lastly, Charles Ruff, C lin to n ’s fifth White about dying is that I ’ll be able to say hello to gesture broke the ice, and we proceeded to House counsel, is defending his boss while him again." have an emotional reconciliation. It was seated in a wheelchair to give the impression Meanwhile, she continued to serve as the then— when I still d id n ’t have a steady girl that you can be more severely crippled than keeper of his image. She wrote a letter to the friend— that they had ordered a blow-up doll the Clinton presidency and still get the Presi editor of the Los Angeles Times Sunday Book for me, the one that never came. But it really dent’s sluggish supporters up out of their Review, which had stopped printing such was the thought that counted. chairs to cheer.
10 http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Page 11 scans of this entire Issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/141
Larry F ly n t’s Wedding G ift chicken Bruce David might have in mind as a The Faux Millennium by Lee Quarnstrom potential sexual partner for Larry in case by William Edclcn things didn ’t work out. But he finally picked The first objet d ’ar t one noticed upon en one bird and, with some deft coaxing and From now until the year 2002 we arc going tering Larry F lynt’s “mansion,” as he insisted grabbing, stuffed the bird into the crate, paid to be buried and suffocated, staggering in the we call the Bel Air home that had previously the farmer a couple of bucks, and tossed the onslaught of superstition, ignorance and non belonged to Tony Curtis, was a statue of a box and bird into the back scat of his car. sense. Books, television, radio and movies young fellow having sexual intercourse with a As he headed back toward Columbus, dis will feed on the gullibility of the American chicken. This piece of sculpture stood in the aster struck. The chicken, which had been public. It will be open season on rationality, foyer of the house, which was guarded in screeching and batting its wings against the reason and religious and historical literacy. those days by two ferocious attack dogs and side of the crate, suddenly cracked one of the A recent quarter-page advertisement in the several ferocious, and heavily armed, attack slats and broke out of the box. As Michael (Palm Springs) Desert Sun warned us that men. tried to keep his car on the road the hen began “Christ is coming very, very soon. H isto ry ’s There was, of course, a story behind the flying around the inside of his sedan. greatest event. Be Prepared." It then went on statuary: Larry’s first sexual experience, he “It was making a hell of a noise,” Michael to tell us how to escape his judgment. proudly boasted, was indeed with a chicken. reported, “and it was shitting everywhere. It Nonsense masquerading as truth. The ori Now that fateful encounter was memorial was like there was a shit-and-fcathcr storm gins of such can be religious fanaticism, sim ized for the ages in this nice piece of bronze. inside the car.” ple ignorance or personal gain. When Arthur Many years earlier, when the Hustler edi Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, Hays Sulzberger was the publisher of the tors in Columbus learned that the boss was Michael tried to grab the bird with the other. New York Times, 1935-1961, he wrote: “I be going to make an honest woman, or as honest He was on a busy highway and d id n ’t want to lieve in an open mind, but not so open that a woman as was possible, out of his compan your brains fall out.” ion and Hustler Club hoochy-coochy dancer What seems to be missing from the Althea Lcasure, top editor Bruce David came Ia )st In the Translation mind/brains of most is the fact that time is up with the perfect wedding gift for Larry: a In Chinese, Colonel Sanders' slogan, fiction. Time is man-made. A history of man- live chicken in a box with a note reading, “In "finger-licking good," becomes 'eat made calendars would enlighten many. On case things d o n ’t work out.” your fingers off." many calendars the millennium has already David ordered one of the Hustler editors to come and gone, and you d id n ’t even know go buy a live chicken. David, whose volatile you missed it. temper evoked both fear and loathing among risk pulling off the road with an enraged Christian fundamentalists of course arc some of his underlings in those earlier Hustler chicken winging its way around his head. panting for the day, but with the vast majority days in the Ohio capital the boys referred to It took a few miles and a lot of chickenshit of the world it is a non-event. In the Jewish as “the City of Seven Flat Places,” told the ed but finally he got a hand around the b ird ’s calendar, the year 2000 will be 5760 and no itor not to show his face in the office again neck. The chicken crapped on his lap. En big deal. until h e ’d rounded up the bird. raged himself, Michael rolled down his win For Muslims, our year 2000 will be the Is The editor, who related the story of his dow and tossed out the screeching chicken. lamic year 1420, and the “day of doom ” will chicken-hunting adventure to me after the Unfortunately for all involved, the bird not come for another 50,000 years, according magazine and staff had moved west to Los smacked the windshield of an oncoming to Muhammad. So relax, you w on ’t even be Angeles, decided the easiest way to come up truck, a big truck. It smattered across that around to see it happen. The Islamic calendar with a living hen was to go directly to the windshield in such a frightening and disgust follows the cycles of the moon rather than the source, a chicken ranch on the outskirts of ing manner that the trucker, too, became en sun, and the year is now 1418. town. Michael, as the editor was named, raged. He turned his 16-whcclcr around and In the Chinese lunar calendar it is now the looked in the Yellow Pages and found just the began to follow Michael. And Michael, fear year 4695. Hindus arc now in the midst of a right place, a chicken farm not too far outside ing mayhem, led the trucker on a high-speed calcndrical cycle that has over 350,000 years the city limits. He got in his car and drove out chase along that highway, then on less-trav to go yet until it ends. You w on ’t see that to the Ohio countryside. eled roads, then on municipal streets, and fi either. When he got to the farm, he told me, he nally down alleyways and across front lawns With all American Indian concepts of time, parked and walked over to an elderly man, and parking strips. this entire subject is absurd. The majority of the owner of the establishment, who was sit Finally, Michael realized h e ’d ditched the Indian languages do not have past and future ting in a rocking chair on the front porch of trucker. He heaved a sigh of relief but imme tenses; they reflect rather a perennial reality his rustic home. diately realized that while he had avoided one of the now. Their accounts of creation, for ex “I’d like to purchase a chicken,” he told the disaster he faced another unless he brought a ample, do not tell of a time past but rather farmer. chicken back to Bruce David. of processes that arc eternally happening. “Well, Sonny,” the man wondered, “what do Reluctantly, he turned his car around and The Mayan and Hopi “prophecy” have to do you want it for? Roasting? Frying? Laying?” headed back to the chicken ranch. with the evolutionary expansion of human "For fucking,” Michael replied in all honesty. The farmer was still sitting in his rocking consciousness. The farmer shrank back into his rocker in chair. He looked at the forlorn young man Albert Einstein said that a 12-year-old disgust. standing in front of him, coated with chicken Hopi child could understand his cosmology “Well," he told Michael, “I ain’t gonna help manure. better than most math professors, because the you pick out a chicken to fuck. You go get “I need another chicken,” Michael told the Hopi child is living it daily, with no past or one on your own.” farmer. future, only the ‘now’ time of the cyclic He handed Michael a wooden crate, the “Another?” the farmer asked with the sort rhythms. kind with thin slats that lettuce and other of abhorrence that only a chicken man could What a contrast in mentalities. Christian produce used to come in. And Michael have for a city slicker w h o ’d purchase a bird fundamentalists waiting for Jesus and the headed out into the huge flock of chickens for his own sexual gratification. “What hap world to go up in flame. O r the beautiful that lived just beyond a fence made, appropri pened to the one you already bought?” thought of the American Indian looking ately enough, out of chicken wire. “Well,” Michael replied timidly, “unfortu for a new stage in the expansion of human Now he d id n ’t know exactly what kind of nately, I killed it.” consciousness. http://www.ep.tc/realist 11 THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT The REALIST Issue Number 141 - Spring, 1999 - Back Cover scans of this entire issue found at: http://www.ep.tc/realist/141
of commercial sponsorship of public televi “Mother, I know you had been expecting me MEDIA FREAK sion news which would address the dilemma for dinner this evening, but something impor o f the N ew sH ou r’s discovery that its long tant has come up and I c a n ’t make it.” His Falling Through the Crack time thinly disguised commercial sponsor is a mother says, “Okay." price-fixing monopolizer, who secs the public • A California company requires employ In a San Francisco Chronicle review by as ‘the enemy.’ Surely a program that is com ees to sign an oath that they will not post or Peter Dale Scott o f Gary W e b b ’s The CIA, fortable with daily discussions of the presi circulate Dilbert cartoons. the Contras, and the Crack Cocaine Explo dent’s sexual habits should not shrink from • Internet listings for bad breath, armpits, and sion, the italicized section o f the following discussing the monopolistic practices and toilet paper arc linked to Procter & Gamble. paragraph was omitted: gross hypocrisy of its alleged ‘public spirited’ • Israel has authorized a contractor to “As even Webb admits, the CIA in 1981 benefactors." build a bridge two inches below the Sea of had relatively little daily control over Contra Lchrcr responded: “Thank you for your Galilee in an attempt to attract tourists who leaders. More important was the decision o f letter. I hear you on Archer Daniels Midland." want to emulate Jesus by walking on water. top Reagan advisers (not just in the CIA) to •The Department of Defense announced reorganize (as the Contras) the old Somoza Purple Prose its distress over a scribbled m essage— “Here’s National Guard, about whose drug and other A press release from Lyrick Studios pro a Ramadan present--- "—on a 2000-pound criminal activities the Nicaraguan bishops had moting Barney sing-along cassettes was tam laser bomb dropped on Iraq, presumably be complained back in 1978. Equally disastrous pered with electronically so that it stated: cause it was a violation of the 1st Amend was the initial decision to leave oversight “Parents will love them, because they will m ent’s guarantee separating church and state. o f the Contras to Argentine intelligence offi provide hours of entertainment, and chal • A documentary, Human Remains, reveals cers, for whom the drug-financing o f opera lenge their little ones to learn their favorite that both Adolf Hitler and Mao Tse-tung had tions was a way of life." one testicle; also that Josef Stalin loved his Why Ratings Suck daughter so much he killed her fiance. E! O n lin e ’s Stanley Young reports that, al • A new edition of the Communist Mani though 12 anonymous individuals decide on festo is described by the publisher as “elegant movie ratings, the F a m ily brothers have vol enough to grace a coffee table.” Barney’s de untarily edited out the R-rated scenes which partment store featured the book, along with made an otherwise pedestrian film, T h e r e ’s a selection of red lipsticks, in its window as Something About Mary, so popular in the “conceptual art." first place, in order to get a PG-13 rating “and • A spokesperson for the Oregon State Lot rake in yet more millions from all those teens tery: “Keeping the games going after a natural who w eren’t able to sneak into the original disaster such as an earthquake or flood is im version." portant because video poker and other games To avoid an NC-17 rating, Troy Beyer, generate $1 million a day in profits.” writer-director o f L e t ’s Talk About Sex, had • Headline in the Los Angeles Times: “Ex- “to remove the scene of a woman licking a G O P Hopeful Huffington Says He Is a H o peach. She was demonstrating how she like to mosexual . . . He Also Says He May Be a pleasure her lesbian lover," writes Young, •Jf Democrat." “but it was so, well, tastefully done that audi • Orson Bean directed and starred in an ences at Cannes and Sundance were left in adaptation of A Christmas Carol, although stitches___ N o doubt if the actress had taken Sic Transit Mortimer Snerd for politically correct purposes, the director was listed as Yolanda Perez. a chainsaw to the peach or karate-chopped it Retired ventriloquist Paul Winchcll • A guest on Politically Incorrect wore a to pieces instead of licking it, the MPAA jokes that his dummies Jerry Mahoney T-shirt with Barbara B oxer’s name which was would have had no objections at all." and Knucklehead Smiff have taken up blocked out. James T oback ’s Two Girls and a Guy in a new hobby—collecting dust. “Televi • At the American Psychological Associa cluded a sex scene with Heather Graham and sion and its use of computers can make tion convention, the Pfizer Pharmaceutical Robert Downey Jr.—filmed in shadows from everything talk," he says, “so there’s no booth gave out free Viagra book lights, since a distance— but in order to get an R rating, need for the art of ventriloquism any the erection pill takes an hour to take effect “Unlike Beyer, he d id n ’t have to remove any more. I don't think young kids today and users might want to read in the meantime. full scenes, but some action was, well, short would even understand it.” ened. Instead of Graham ’s hand going up and • On A B C ’s The View, Barbara Walters down six times, i t ’s three times; instead of confessed that her fantasy was to be a man so Downey being on his knees to give pleasure tunes. Plus, they’re perfect for a short or long she could urinate while standing. Meredith orally for seven seconds, he's doing it for trip anywhere! Instead of having those little Viera admitted that her husband often has sex three and a half." shits clamoring to stop at the next McDon with her when sh e’s asleep. alds, or those interminable whines of ‘When •Jaded placard spotted: “Homeless, etc.” Hearing Test are we gonna get there?’ or ‘I really gotta go, • The Ayn Rand Institute offers intern A videotape recently revealed that, at a se Mommy,’ plug their cars with these latest ships to students so that they can try to fulfill cret meeting in 1993 where four executives, banalities from Lyrick and y o u ’re guaranteed their sch o o l’s volunteerism requirement by two each from Archer Daniels Midland and to arrive free of stress." volunteering to fight volunteerism. the Ajinimoto Company o f Japan, discussed • George Ochs, age 10, asks: “Now that the price-fixing. James Randall, then president of Filler Items airlines have banned peanuts, will there be Archer Daniels, stated, “We have a saying • On a live broadcast of Good Morning elephants sniffing our luggage at the airport?” at this company. Our competitors arc our America, a Rolling Stones groupie mentioned • Reporting the results of a dog show in friends and our customers arc our enemies." the title of Robert Frank’s 1972 documentary which a dog defecated on the carpet, sports- Sam Lcff wrote to PBS' Jim Lchrcr: “I’d on the band, Cocksucker Blues. caster Bill Weir observed, “You almost never like to see that videotape on the NcwsHour • There arc now Gentile jokes. Sample: A see this type of thing in the Miss America followed by a panel discussion on the ethics Gentile man calls his mother and says, competition.”
http://www.ep.tc/realist THE REALIST ARCHIVE PROJECT