14 GOLFDOM Business Baron Gives the "Close*up" on Greenkeeper By B. R. LEACH
"AH is riot gold that glitters."—(Shakr- Green-committeelng interferes with busi- Spfttre, ness, and with ones game of golf. When HENEVER i want to know anything a green-committee man goes around the In particular there always seems to course he spends ten per cent of the time Wbe someone around handy to tell me playing golf and the remaining ninety per all about it. The other morning, for In- cent checking up on the greenkeeper. It stance, 1 was wandering across a golf gets so no one wants to play wfth him. course with my left eye trained on the Besides which It gets at times to a point tnrf looking for "golf-course mushrooniB." where every time he sticks his head in the You can get as high as 4(1 cents apiece for locker-room a howling mob of plus-foured them if they haven't been cut or nicked. golfers proceed lo give him hell about this, When 1 neared one of the flat mounds lhat or the other thing until be actually from which the players swat the ball I begins to get sorry for himself. No, sir! observed the local coal and lumber baron being on the green-committee Is not so hot. in the act of making a few preliminary There's a big turnover In that line of wiggles prior to hitting tt on the nose. He business." dfdn't seem to be tn a very good humor Why Make Martyrs. judging from the expression on his face, it 1 made the remark thai his presentation seemed there were too many mosqultos In of the case for the green-committee was his bedroom the previous night, decidedly enlightening, and raised the "However," he remarked, "this course ts query as to why. In view of these condi- enough to put anyone to sleep so no doubt tions. gotf clubs kept right on electing I'll make up for last night before I finish green-committees who didn't particularly the round. The new green-committee they want to be elected and who qutt as soon elected last night will have plenty of op- as Ihey could do so gracefully. portunity to demonstrate their stuff. The "Wouldn't it," 1 remarked, "be a much course is rotten." better plan Tor the clubs to hire someone Murm-i-'ng a few polite words of sym- capable of growing the grass on the course pathy for Ills low state of mind I made In which event they wouldn't need a green- the casual remark that no doubt the new- committee. Then all the members could ly-elected green-committee, In view of the spend all their time playing gotf. How- honor attached to their electfon to office, ever, I hastened to add. probably they would make every possible effort to rem- couldn't hire anyone wbo knows as much edy the existing deplorable conditions. about growing grass as the green-commlt- "Well. yeah, maybe so," he remarked, lee knows." "nnd then again maybe not so. They can't "Your're all wet, old top. on that point," be any worse than the last green-commit- advised my friend, the coal and lumber ba- tee gang we bad running this course. At ron. There Isn't any group of citizens, as any rate thts new bunch have my sym- a general rule, who could possibly know pathy. This green-cornmltteeinn business less about growing grass on a gotf course isn't any bed of roses, tn fact tt's getting than the average run of green-committees. to a point In most clubs where it's not the They're nearly alt city men. What do they easiest thing tn the world to get candi- know about grass-Browing? They don'l dates for the green committee. Nobody teach the subject In college. Besides which really wants the job. Of course now and you have it all wrong. Yon don't have to be a grass grower to belong to a green and then you can drag fn a member who committee. You can be green as grass on plays second fiddle in his own domestic the subject of growing grass and still he a orchestra. It gives him a chance to as member of tbe frreen-committen In fad sert a little authority now and then, but a green-committee is in many rases really with most of the members, nothing doing. NOVEMBER, 1928 1J a preen committee, sometimes they're as caught young before he bad a chance to green as the grass lhat grows on Ireland's learn that he could make three times the hills." money he makes greenkeeping by having a "Take for instance" he continued, "an relatively soft snap in some other line of average green-committee. There's almost business. A greenkeeper is a professional always a dentist on every green-com mil tee grass grower, it's his business. You see and you know tt takes brains to tie a den- he has spenl alt hts life growing grass. He tist. Then there'll be an Insurance agent knows grass from tbe day It sprouts until In the bunch. It takes brains to make its ears get nicked by a lawn mower. He money in tbe insurance business. Maybe grows the grass until the green-committee there'll be a business man or a lawyer in finds out a few things about the process the gang. All brainy fellows, every one. and begins to butt in." What's a little thfng like growing grass to • But." I interrupted, "lell me something. (hose guys? All you need to grow grass If the greenkeeper is a professional grass on a golf course fs a strong hack and a grower and knows how to grow grass, why weak mind. You're not supposed to know does the green-eumtnlliee have to go to the anything about growing grass when you're trouble of learning to grow grass? Why elected to the green-committee. Not at all. doesn't the green-committee spend its time You just naturally learn all about It while playing golf and let the greenkeeper grow you're green-commttteelng." the grass? Of course I know I'm not This was all certainly very interesting to clever and I hope you don't mind explain- me. I never realised before how versatile ing these little details." the average city man really was. They seem to be veritable mental giants. Situation Explained "Of course," 1 remarked to my friend the "Good night," exploded the expert in coal and lumber baron, "you won't think bard and soft coal, "You're dumber than 1 It absurd tf I ask you whether they never thought possible. Are all you scientific make even one teeny, weeny mistake In guys like that? Now listen and don't in- grass growing? And of course. In view of tmvpt. The situation is briefly this: The their dental, legal, business or other train- greenkeeper knows how to grow grass all ing they are no doubt able to grow a high right. That'B a fact. Every turf expert grade of grass very cheaply and there by- will tell you that greenkeepers know their save the golf club a heap of money." stuff. But the trouble is tbe green-com- mtttee doesn't think he knows bow to Promoting the Party grow grass. In fact, Ihey don'l think he "My boy," moaned the dealer In black knows much of anything. How do they diamonds, "you are a prize specimen of get that idea about greenkeepers? Well, what Barnum would have charactered as that's a long story but I'll do the best i a 'sucker.' How could a green-committee can to explain the matter so you can un- possibly be guilty of mistakes? Whenever derstand tbe general situation. In order mistakes are made around a golf course to obtain an adequate conception of this It's the greenkeeper who makes them. The highly complex problem it is entirely es- green-commit tee's activities are all entirely sential that you he familiar with the city constructive. Besides which you don't un- man's psychology. What's lhat you say? derstand how they run a golf club now- I'm using too many big words? All righl. adays. Oolf clubs have lots of money and What 1 mean to say is that you gotta have when they want more they have an assess- the low down on bow a city man uses his ment party. It's Ihe green-committee's job bean. Get me? All right. Now here's to rurnlsh the program for these assess- the way tt works out: When a ctty man ment shindigs. You don't know what I meets another man In tbe city he sizes him mean by assessment? Well. If yon ever up. If the guy has an suit draped join a gotf club, you'll know." artistically about his person with his pedal All this hot-from-the-Kriddte dope certain- extremities I feet i encased in a pair of $20 ly Inlrlgued me, but there we were one or kicks, a Duke of Wellington collar cover- two points not quite clear. ing bis Adam's apple and a |16 hat on lop "You used tbe term—'greenkeeper,'" 1 of his dome, then this walking clothes timidly Interjected, "what la a greenkeeper. horse is a smart guy beyond all shadow of if I may ask?" a doubt. The city man knotps Ibis guy ts Welt," advised my friend, the lumber a smart fellow because If this guy wasn't purveyor, "a greenkeeper fs a guy they a smart fellow he wouldn't be able to take 14 GOLFDOM enough Jack away from another smart city proper costume for the well-dressed green- fellow to buy at! those up-and-coming glad keeper will consist of striped worsted rags with. Do you follow me? All right. trousers, a cutaway coat correctly piped Now hero's where the rub comes. That with satin, a Iiuke of Wellington collar sort of psychology Is all right in the city, with blue polka dot tie, a silk hat (more hut It isn't worth a tinker's dam out In commonly termed a 2 gallon hat fn certain the country where the golf courses are sections of this country) together with located. black shoes encased tn white spats al- "Apply this city slicker type of psychology though those of a light, mauve coloring are fn the analysis of a greenkeeper, as you permissible. Linen to be rich In texture find htm on his native heaths. On such a and in accord wtth the general tone ot tbe size-up the average greenkeeper doesn't costume. Correctly attired as above and stack up very high. In fact, he has all the following a leisurely breakfast of kippered outward appearance or a high-class truck- herring, boney-dew melon or other deli- driver. Why? llow in the hell are you cacies of Ihe season, the greenkeeper will guing to look like anything else when then be driven to the gulf course In hts of- you're the guardian ol 18 greens, 100 acres ficial car by his chauffeur, of fairway, a barn full of dirty machinery " 'From thts date forward any greenkeeper and the whole damned business Is climbing discovered doing any actual work will be up round your neck 14 hours a day? The summarily fired from the greenkeepers' as- greenkeeper presents the greatest biologi- sociation, Let the laborer do the work. cal anomaly of the twentieth century ex- Greenkeepers are also advised that this as- tant. You might almost term him the great sociation has made arrangement with the exception. Here's a lad who not only has golf clubs of the country for the suspen- to keep his brains in high gear all day sion for days of any member wbo has long but in addition has to fight like the the temerity to address a greenkeeper by devil all day long to keep from being sub- his flrst name.' merged fn an onrusblng sea of tractor "There, my boy, fs the answer lo this grease, cow manure, loud-smelling fer- mlxup of greenkeepers and green-commit- tilizer and what not. And what's the re- tees," said the coal baron. "There It is in sult? He looks like a laborer and these a nutshell. If the greenkeepers' associa- city-bred green-committee members think tion passed and enforced that resolution, he's u laborer. They consider him a low- common fellow. Why? Because they don't everybody would know that greenkeepers know any better and never will." had brains and green-committees would go where the woodbine twineth and the wom- bat calls to his mate." Greenkeepers' Uniform At last I realized to Ihe full that I was "Well," continued my friend, the coal talking tn a genius, a captain of Industry merchant, "what's the answer to a mess as it were. What a tremendous insight of this sort? The answer Is so simple that into the problem he possessed, I could not no one has ever thought of tt. Here It Is: forbear one final question. at the next, meeting of the greenkeepers' "Has any green-committee ever tried the association the following Iron-clad resolu- experiment of confining their activities to tion should he passed: 'ftesolved, That front the game of golf and allowing the green- this date forward the members of the keeper to do his stufT? It so, how did it greenkeepers' association shall conduct work out?" themselves as per the following instruc- "Oh. yeah. It's heen tried," said my tions: on arising in the morning the green- friend, "but It didn't work out so very keeper will indulge in a leisurely hot bath well. In fact It was rather a tragic affair. followed by a close shave, hair cut, sham- I remember It well. It all buppened over poo, facial massage, and manicure. The at the Ookematooc golf club. Just west of greenkeeper will then give serious consid- here. A year or two ago old Bill Smith erstion to the question of proper and suit- was elected green-committee chairman at able raiment for the day's activities, his Ookematooc. He tried lo wriggle out of choice being, of course, governed by sea- it but they nailed him to the mast. Well, sonal considerations. Each garment to be the morning following hts election to the strictly in the mode but conservative in chairmanship, old Bill sauntered down cut and texture. Flashy or ultra-modish across the course until he met the green- garb is to be avoided at all costs. During keeper down near the tool shed. He 1m- the cooler fall months, for Instance, a (Continued on Page 42) 14 GOLFDOM
Business Baron Gives Close-up AISGLt on Greenkeepers (( on tinned fnnu l>a;ie 18) parted the sad new a of his election to the guard tan of the greens along with Ihe fot lowing general statement of his policy and platform, to wit: Now, Jack, you know I made my money In the bootlegging bnsl ness. I don't know a thing about grass and furthermore 1 don't wnttt to know any- thing about the damned stuff. From now •jj _ _ perfwl get D way iftoli flfapftrWy ft*' on yon run this course the best you know at tint of imjMtrt) Mnynput. how and If any of the cut-throats compris- FHKF HAMI'LF to pros, 25*r and those identified with tbe ing tbe membership of this club give you trod* For Imri ^llatr aa)(M ordrr nttnpto dloptny carton BOX any gnIT teit them to go to hell or refer The ANOLr-TtT. Company 211 NiH*n PMf.'.'Mv»lMMll(i, them to me nnd I'll tell "em. 1 guarantee they'll never elve me a second opportunity. Furthermore as an Indication of the fact that I'm not talking through my hat you'll Unil on Saturday night that your pay has been Increased live bucks per week. Don't Your 1929 Budgrt Should Include the sjiend tt all on rlolious living.' '* MAC GREGOR "Did you usk whether the greenkee|ier was tickled to death at this glorious op- COMPOST DISTRIBUTOR portunity," remarked the coal baron. "Well, Tho tfaefirriror Cmptml I Irtish properly, «.pr**<|||;i ii ml «H-nrmmlriill> njipllrs eoinfMint I'll tell you. It wasn't exactly a case of into Hip icrern*, keeping vrftHn ffffl for riiltlng unil Innnrlnu Iriir nrrfti*. bis being tickled to death, he Just natural- II *si%e« iuhnr uml material. Illiehly ly dropiied dead," iwortimf-mliMl by rltih* of hijrhett mi* in* te mi nrr *f