Diamond Dogs Ten Minute Play

DIAMOND DOGS TEN MINUTE PLAY

By Josh Eklow

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SYNOPSIS: Sales are falling at Morley Tobacco, and one young executive may have come up with a solution that’s smooth, satisfying, and slightly sadistic in this dark comedy.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (7 MEN, 2 WOMEN)

WAXMAN ...... A young executive attempting to move up the ladder at Morley Tobacco, 25 years old.

CHERYL ...... One of the few women in the company, she has hit the glass ceiling and is simply enjoying her position and trying not to make any waves, 25 years old.

RANDY ...... A good old boy in a long line of tobacco men, he is destined for a top job eventually, though his lack of brains has kept him stationary for the most part, 30 years old.

KESSLER ...... The boss, Kessler is an aging exec that knows his time is coming to an end. He’s not quite as out of it as he may seem. Though he seems to know Waxman may not always be telling the whole truth, he still likes him and wants to see him advance in the company, 55 years old.

YES MEN ...... Kessler’s henchmen, they merely exist to make Kessler’s life at work as easy (and agreeable) as possible, 21 to 23 years old.

PLAYERS ONE AND TWO...... Morley Tobacco’s in-house acting troupe, kept on retainer. Overly enthusiastic, in spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that they rarely get any work, 22 to 24 years old.

SET DESIGN

At stage right, there is an empty easel. At stage left, there is a large, long table, suitable for a boardroom. Somewhere in between, there should be a table or stand with a coffee machine on it.

PROPS: 3 posters, as described in the script, and a portfolio folder to hold them 1 easel 1 pack of “Morley Diamonds” 1 lighter 1 coffee machine and assorted mugs/styrofoam cups to go with it. Briefcases or attaché cases for the execs

PRODUCTION NOTES

The people cast as the YES MEN may think they are being slighted and being given small parts in a chorus, but they are actually the source of nearly all the play’s physical comedy, which can be improvised or added by the director. There are quite a few moments in the play where they can ad lib lines to replace their unspecific “chattering”.

The posters that WAXMAN uses in his presentation should be made on a harder, rigid poster board. They should be put on the easel so that they are clearly seen by the whole audience. During the production, there was a great deal of trouble when the posters fell off of the easel and when they flopped onto the ground when he moved on to the next poster. It is also very important to make sure that they are in the correct order.

As for costumes, CHERYL should be dressed as a modern business woman would, and RANDY should have dress in a style I call “Western Business,” by which I mean a bolo tie, a cowboy hat, and boots instead of dress shoes.

I wrote this play with the music of David Bowie in mind. It is named after the song “Diamond Dogs,” and when it was staged, it was framed by “Rock ‘N Roll Suicide” at the beginning and ends with “Rebel, Rebel” playing as the lights go down. The lines about cigarettes in “Rock ‘N Roll Suicide” go well with the themes of the play, as does the general theme of “Rebel, Rebel.”

AT RISE: LIGHTS UP on a boardroom in the head office of a large tobacco company, Morley Tobacco. CHERYL and RANDY walk into the room. They are executives and are dressed as such. They put their cases down on the desk and remain standing to talk, perhaps pouring themselves a cup of coffee

RANDY: Has he told you anything about this? CHERYL: No, not a word. He just told me to be here. RANDY: Yeah, he wouldn't say a thing, other than that he had an idea that was sure to land him that promotion. CHERYL: Well, we'll see about that. Remember his last idea? RANDY: I still think he had something there. CHERYL: What? Are you crazy? I've heard of candy cigarettes before, but who in hell would buy candied cigarettes? A sugary coating and a chocolate filter? RANDY: Yeah, well, my kids loved 'em. CHERYL: You're psychotic. Both of you. RANDY: Yeah, well . . . oh, here comes the Brown Nose Brigade.

A group of younger executives come into the meeting. They are all dressed identically and are having unintelligible conversations with each other, all at the same time. It's a tangled mess. They all sit down.

RANDY: Kessler should be here any minute, now that his envoy of Yes Men has arrived. CHERYL: Yeah, but where the hell is Waxman? You would think he'd be early to his own meeting.

CHERYL and RANDY sit down. They chat quietly for a minute, as do the YES MEN, when KESSLER enters the room.

KESSLER: Let's get this meeting started, shall we?

YES MEN, CHERYL, and RANDY all stand up.

CHERYL and RANDY merely stand for the aging Vice-President.

KESSLER: Oh, good morning, boys.

KESSLER sits and all the other people in the room sit as well.

KESSLER: So . . . so, so, so.

YES MEN smile at KESSLER.

KESSLER: What am I here for, again? RANDY: Waxman has a proposal presentation for you, sir. KESSLER: Oh. (He smiles again.) KESSLER: And which one is Waxman, again? RANDY: Marketing, sir. KESSLER: Oh, I see.

All are quiet for a moment and WAXMAN enters.

WAXMAN: Hello, everyone, thanks for waiting. I had some things I wanted to check on before the presentation started. Alright, first I'd like to thank you all for being here today. Let me start by asking a question. Randy, in this past quarter, where have sales dropped the most? RANDY: Uh, I don't know. WAXMAN: Cheryl, do you know? CHERYL: I don't think so, Waxman. WAXMAN: Boys? Chief?

They shake their heads.

WAXMAN: I guess I'll just have to tell you. In this past quarter, the past 3 quarters, actually, sales of menthol cigarettes have fallen 27%.

He lets it sink in.

WAXMAN: That's our biggest seller, people. And it's dropping like a rock. People just aren't picking up menthols like they used to. Why, you ask? People are afraid. They keep hearing rumors that menthols make your lungs bleed, menthols will crystallize your lungs! People hear that menthol cigarettes crystallize your lungs and they put them down and they never pick them back up again. Most of them outright quit smoking. YES MEN: (Gasp.) No! WAXMAN: Yes! KESSLER: Well, hell. People love menthols. At least, they used to. WAXMAN: Yes, sir. What we have to do is make them fall in love with menthol cigarettes all over again. There's only two ways to do that. The first way is to make them safer. CHERYL: Can we do that? WAXMAN: Of course not. The damn things will crystallize your lungs, no change in recipe will fix that. RANDY: So, what's the second way? WAXMAN: The second way, Randy, my man, to make people love menthols again is to make them want menthols 24/7. Make them need menthols. Make it so they can't afford not to live without them. CHERYL: And how are we going to do that? The nicotine isn't enough to keep them hooked. WAXMAN: You're right. OK, let's think outside the box here. Why are people afraid of menthols? RANDY: ‘Cause they crystallize your lungs. WAXMAN: Right. What if we made it so that crystallizing lungs was no longer a problem? What if we make lung crystallization a selling point!

The people in the room are confused.

WAXMAN: Quick, what's the most valuable thing in the world? CHERYL: An education. RANDY: Blow. YES MEN: Loyalty!

KESSLER: Diamonds. WAXMAN: Very good sir, that's right. Now, what are diamonds? CHERYL: A girl's best friend? WAXMAN: Very funny. No, but really, what is a diamond? RANDY: A rock. WAXMAN: Yes . . . KESSLER: A crystal.

WAXMAN puts his finger on his nose and they sit in silence for a moment.

CHERYL: Oh my God. RANDY: No way! WAXMAN: Yes!

WAXMAN pulls a large poster out of his portfolio.

WAXMAN: I present to you, Morley Diamonds.

He shows them the poster and they are stunned.

WAXMAN: People don't want cigarettes that crystallize your lungs. But at its core, that's not a health issue, it's an economic one. Of course nobody wants their lungs turned into crystalline menthol. Menthol is cheap, worthless! Diamonds, on the other hand . . . CHERYL: Unbelievable. WAXMAN: Morley Diamonds, based on a revolutionary formula, will turn the smokers’ lungs into flawless diamonds. After years of loyally smoking our cigarettes, of course. And this new product is perfect for our menthol demographic. If you look at this chart . . .

WAXMAN presents a pie chart that is 45 percent "Urban Youths" (black pie piece), 45 percent "Elderly" (white pie piece), and 10 percent "Other" (any color).

WAXMAN: . . . you will see that there are two demographic groups responsible for 90% of menthol consumption. "Urban Youths" and "The Elderly." To show how our new product, Morley Diamonds, is perfect for these two groups, I'd like to present, the Morley Players!

A man and a woman dressed in black unitards, with big white "M"s on the front jump into the room. WAXMAN applauds.

WAXMAN: Let me set the stage for the first scene. Two young adults have just gotten done playing a game of basketball in the court behind their inner-city school.

The two actors mime putting on their jackets. They talk and move in an exaggerated, condescending "gangsta" fashion.

PLAYER ONE: Did you see Tyrese yesterday? His new grill is tiiiight. PLAYER TWO: Yeah, I saw him. PLAYER ONE: What's with you, jealous or something? PLAYER TWO: No, I'm just not impressed. PLAYER ONE: Not impressed? What the hell do you mean? PLAYER TWO: Grills are for chumps, that's all.

PLAYER TWO mimes lighting up a cigarette.

PLAYER ONE: You think you're hot shit or something? PLAYER TWO: I am hot shit since I started smoking these. PLAYER ONE: What the hell are those? PLAYER TWO: Morley Diamonds, mothafucka. You like gold teeth? My lungs are sparkling diamonds now. Check out the x-rays, biotch.

PLAYER TWO mimes handing PLAYER ONE some x-rays.

PLAYER ONE: Daaaaammn.

PLAYER ONE and PLAYER TWO freeze for a moment and then bow again.

CHERYL: That's not really how they talk, is it? RANDY: Who cares? WAXMAN: Morley Diamonds are the ultimate in blinged-out body modification. And now, a scene showing how our product will be received by our other target demographic, the elderly.

PLAYER ONE and PLAYER TWO pretend to be old people, waiting for a bus. PLAYER ONE mimes smoking.

PLAYER TWO: What ya got there? PLAYER ONE: What? PLAYER TWO: What are you smoking? PLAYER ONE: Oh, this? It's a Morley Diamond. PLAYER TWO: Oh, I've heard of those. Pete was telling me one of his fishing buddies was able to finally retire because of Morley Diamonds. PLAYER ONE: Oh? PLAYER TWO: Yeah, the bank has a new deal where you get money now, and they get your lungs when you die. Not a bad arrangement. PLAYER ONE: Sounds pretty good. I'm smoking 'em for the grandkids. I want those kids to be able to go to college, and the lung-shaped diamond in my chest when I go is gonna guarantee that. PLAYER TWO: Oh, here comes the bus.

PLAYER ONE and PLAYER TWO bow again. WAXMAN and KESSLER clap. YES MEN begin clapping after KESSLER. PLAYER ONE and PLAYER TWO jump out of the room.

CHERYL: If people are able to grow diamonds, won't that just devalue the diamond? WAXMAN: No, our projections show that Bio-Diamonds - - that's what we've been calling them - - will actually revitalize our sagging economy. - 10 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Diamond Dogs by Josh Eklow Copyright © MMVI by Josh Eklow

RANDY: Magnificent. WAXMAN: Well, sir, what do you think?

KESSLER thinks for a moment.

KESSLER: I'm impressed. A very convincing presentation, but I'd like to go over the specifics with you. How about lunch at the club this Thursday? WAXMAN: That'd be great. What time, sir?

KESSLER looks at the YES MEN. They confer with each other.

YES MEN: 12:45, sir. KESSLER: 12:45, Waxman. WAXMAN: 12:45, it is. Thank you, again, sir. KESSLER: Sure, sure.

KESSLER gets up and leaves the room. The YES MEN follow him, leaving in the same fashion in which they entered, a chattering and writhing mass.

RANDY: Damn good job, Waxman, damn good. WAXMAN: Thanks, Randy. That means a lot. RANDY: If you impress Kessler on Thursday, I bet you get that promotion you've been eyeing. WAXMAN: That's the plan, Randy, that is the plan. RANDY: Hell, you almost convinced me to smoke them, and I work for Big Tobacco! Now that's fuckin' marketing. WAXMAN: Haha, thanks again. RANDY: You coming to lunch? WAXMAN: Yeah, just let me get my things together. I'll meet you downstairs. RANDY: Alright, alright.

RANDY leaves and only WAXMAN and CHERYL remain.

CHERYL: It doesn't actually work, does it?

WAXMAN: Not at all. They're just normal menthols in fancy packaging. CHERYL: Won't people notice? WAXMAN: How could they? CHERYL: What do you mean? WAXMAN: You can't actually tell with x-rays. Nobody will know until the smokers die. CHERYL: And what then? What do when say when Grandma finally kicks it and her lungs are just black goo? WAXMAN: We'll just say she didn't smoke enough. CHERYL: So we'll just lie, then. WAXMAN: Hey, it's what we're good at. CHERYL: Yeah. I guess it is. You're some salesman, you know that? WAXMAN: Well, maybe you'll let me sell you on having dinner with me this weekend? CHERYL: I'm not sure if you're quite that good. WAXMAN: Well . . . CHERYL: I'll think about it. WAXMAN: That's all I ask. CHERYL: You'd better take me somewhere nice. It looks like you'll be getting that promotion, and I hope you don't plan on being stingy. I expect you to be as generous to me as you are generous with your definition of the truth. WAXMAN: Oh, if I still had a heart, it would be broken.

CHERYL smiles a bit.

WAXMAN: Go on, I'll be right out.

CHERYL leaves, and WAXMAN grabs his briefcase. He takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and puts one in his mouth. He lights his lighter and raises it to his mouth. Just as he is about to light the cigarette, the LIGHTS GO DOWN.

THE END

- 12 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.