Immature since 1991

Editors (Playing Keep-Away) Editor-in-Chief Sean Keane Creative Editors Stephen Handley Boback Ziaeian Graphics Editor Kenny Byerly Design Editors Cynthia Baran Zack Fornaca

Editors Emeritus (Pointing & Laughing) Allen Haim, Bret Heilig, Matt Holohan, Tyler Roscoe Webmaster (Pantsing you in PE) Tommaso Sciortino Business & Advertising (Stealing Lunch Money) Bruce Greenwood, David Hornung Layout Staff (Crying by yourself under the high school bleachers) Michael Cedillos (female), Kevin Deenihan Writers (Passing Notes) Kenny Byerly, Zack Fornaca, Bret Heilig, Matt Holohan, Sean Keane, Christopher Ying, Boback Ziaeian, Cory Zue Artist (ASUC Senators) Derek Yu Printer (Green Tomato) FRICKE-PARK • (510) 489-6543 Contributors (Skid marks in your underwear) Colin Alexander, Mark Applebaum, Brian Berg- man, Anne Bomke, Betty Chu, Matt Davis, David Dumas, Meghana Gadgil, Sheirin Ira- vantchi, Brad Jacobs, B.J. Jameson, Jacob Lewis, Reina Ligeralde, Katrina Mann, Albert Ruiz, Richard Schulman, Colin Sueyres, Brian Sinclair, Matt Talbot SQUELCH COVER: This magazine is presented in its original aspect ratio of approx. 8.5:11. The black bars at the top and bottom of your fi eld of vision are abnormal and should be checked out immedi- ately. I’m surprised you can even read this. Go see an optometrist, quick! Hurry, while you can still see and drive. Running time: Approx. 16 pages.

Isn’t it weird how 7-Eleven is open 24 hours, but the locks on their doors don’t prevent them from being robbed at gunpoint? And how come you park on a driveway, yet millions die needlessly of hunger every year? I can’t believe how funny it is to put pictures of zoo animals into wacky situations. Whether they’re wearing clothes or just standing next to people in inappropriate locations, it’s hilarious. I sure hope you agree. Otherwise you’re pretty much up Shit Creek wit hout a paddle. But why would you go boating in a place called Shit Creek anyway? I think Jean MacFarlane Lane should just be called Jean MacFar-Lane. It would make for a shorter sign. We should have taken that guy’s $20. All we had to do was print a line that says “Jesse Gabriel is one of the best places to have sex on campus.” Cha-ching! Pay up, dude. What a sad little bastard. The Heuristic Squelch is an ASUC sponsored humor publication of UC Berkeley. The content contained herein does not necessarily refl ect the opinions of the ASUC, nor does it necessarily refl ect our own, nor does it necessarily refl ect ultraviolet light. Our offi ces are located in 516A Eshleman Hall. Questions, comments, suggestions? Please e-mail [email protected]. To advertise, call: (510) 502-2513 P.O. Box 4116, Berkeley, CA 94704 2 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 as your summer unfolds, you’ll have a chance to redeem Oh, All Right...Sing It yourself. Perhaps. Summer approaches, and with it, the end of yet another What have you done right in the past year? Surely your semester. Some may graduate, some may travel, some may decision not to see Pay it Forward , despite the presence of seize the break in classes as the perfect time to give up and drop Oscar-winning acting talent and overblown advance buzz, out. More than any other, this is a time for refl ection. Certainly was a wise one. Keep it up—your avoidance of all things more than that sham of a milestone called New Year’s, which Helen Hunt will surely serve you equally well in months to inevitably degenerates into thoughtless, drunken mirthmaking come. Or how about the time your papier-mache satellite di sh or depressing, anticlimactic homestaying, helped ward off hostile aliens that no one the end of a school year brings a change of else believed in, but you knew were there? schedule, a change in routine. Saving humankind always leaves a warm So seize the moment to think—chin feeling in your heart—remember that, and in hand, elbow on table, with dreamy eyes exploit it. raised toward the sky—about what this Possibly most important, however, year has meant to you. is that you take this very special time to Maybe you’ve made some mistakes. look toward the future. What are your goals? Maybe waiting until after the engagement What’s on the horizon? Remember, if you wasn’t the best time to announce to your reach for the stars and fail, you might still girlfriend that you’d like to see other people, catch the moon. The lesson? False, infl ated even if she was happier when she had a expectations will help you to reach otherwise ring. Maybe you should have stopped that unreachable goals that are merely mediocre. night when your car bumped that girl riding her bike on a Learn to enjoy consolation prizes, but never lose sight of the poorly lit side street. Maybe you should have attended your showcase showdown. Someday, you just might win—with the father’s funeral—his cancer was your fault, after all. Regardless help of a little luck, a little tenacity, and a little time spen t on of your shortcomings, now is the time to take stock. Perhaps personal refl ection. Aces! - Kenny Byerly

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 3 “Ready to Eat” Cookies, plans are my whole car with these things.” Pillsbury Announces Release already underway to release “Ready By comparison, so-called “low- of “Ready to Eat” Cookies to Crap” Cookies next winter. These quality” socks dry rather efficiently. by Matt Holohan, Tee Hee pre-digested treats will come in the “You see these?” Davis asked no one form of single-serving suppositories in particular. “You get twelve pair for Pillsbury announced the release which can be defecated immediately five bucks at K-mart. All you have of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this upon placement in the anus. to do is hold them up to a desk lamp week, the latest product in the compa- and, boom, dry as a bone.” ny’s successful “Baking for Retards” “High Quality” Apparently Means product line. Unlike previous prod- Protesters Frustrated ucts such as “Ready to Bake” cook- “For Fucking Ever to Dry Taking” ies, which consist or small cubes of by Matt Holohan, Monotone by Police Civility dough that can be placed directly by Kenny Byerly, Collects Soundtracks onto a baking sheet, “Ready to Eat” Flummoxed laundromat patron cookies can be transferred from the Wilson Davis has observed that when A large group of organized protes- packaging directly into the mouth a designer label boasts its socks as tors who had blocked access to a major and eaten. being “High-Quality,” what they campus building yesterday found them- “We finally realized that, when really mean is “These Socks Will selves all but ignored by friendly UC people want cookies, they want them Take For Fucking Ever To Dry.” police offi cers. The protest continued now,” said Pillsbury CEO Pamela “Look at these,” extolled Davis as well into the night, until protestors got Hufnagel. “Who wants to wait upto he held out a pair of black Calvin Klein kind of bored, decided their point had and including ten minutes while the dress socks to nearby laundrymen. pretty much been made, and went home cookies sit in some oven?” “They’ve been in there, on high, for to get something to eat. Contingent on the success of over and hour, and yet I could go wash We did our best to make them

4 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 leave,” stated UC police captain Bill The employee, who is extremely adoption, Sheister, an avid pro-choice Cooper. “We reasoned very logically intelligent-looking for a moron, or may supporter, chose to have an abortion. with them, and tried to be persuasive. be just a big he-bitch, acknowledged “I was actually involved in the We told them how disruptive they were the special request and threw himself clinical trials of the Ru-486 abortion pill,” being, but they all seemed to want to head-long into the construction of explained Sheister. “Unfortunately I was stay. What could we do?” the clear and pleasant Hill’s given the placebo. I just never got around Many protestors, however, decried the salad sandwich. to having the abortion until now.” UC police’s lack of strongarm force. “How Once the sprouts-free sandwich was Dr. Ronald Spelunker conducted are we supposed to make an impression completed, the employee asked one more the procedure using state-of-the-art without front-page Daily Cal photos of time about any special requests, at which abortion technology in a process known grimacing students being subjected to point the customer restated his no-sprouts as abortion-by-notice. arm-bending and ear-pulling?” demanded preference, in addition to specifying is “We were really apprehensive about Jamina Higgins, a junior who was neither choice of dressing. the operation, but everything went pretty arrested nor given a citation. Added “Tossed green, no sprouts, blue cheese,” well,” said Spelunker. “We just sent a note Higgins, “You call yourself ‘The Man’? said Hill, making and maintaining full to Timmy in his kindergarten class, telling This is pathetic, guys. At least get out eye contact with the big bitch. him to come down to the principal’s offi ce. the pepper spray.” The salad included a hearty portion That was the hardest part. He was pretty UC police had offered to fetch of sprouts. scared, what with the other kids chanting, sodas for the grueling twelve-hour Hill requests that “the next time ‘Ooooo, Timmy’s in trouble.’” protests, but their gifts were, for the you patronize Intermezzo, should you Once in the principal’s offi ce, doctors most part, rebuffed. pull the bulky Latino man with a wee bludgeoned Timmy to death using a little mustache as your server, kindly clothes hanger. Plea of “No Sprouts” Unheeded spit in his face.” “It was a clean abortion. The little tike didn’t put up much resistance,” said by Mustachioed Devil-Bitch Kindergartner Purged in First Spelunker. “This is a really exciting time by Zack Fornaca, Saving up Spit Ever 20th Trimester Abortion for us. We’re moving by leaps and bounds by Christopher Ying, Survivor in the abortion fi eld.” Cafe Intermezzo customer Jerome Spelunker and his colleagues hope Hill, who really doesn’t deserve this The laws of science were defi ed yet to perform their fi rst-ever 72nd trimester kind of abuse, ordered a sandwich & again last month when Kansas doctors abortion next month on UC Berkeley salad combo today, specifi cally asking successfully performed a 20th trimester freshman Solomon Jones. However, for any and all sprouts to be omitted abortion on a 33 year-old woman. despite all the excitement, Spelunker’s from both components of his otherwise Martha Sheister, 5 years after giving ultimate goal is to offer his abortion standard order. birth to her son Timmy, decided that she services via the internet. “No sprouts on either,” said Hill, would be unable to support a son on her “Online abortion is the future,” smiled enunciating fl awlessly. own. Rather than giving up Timmy to Spelunker.

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 5 as in you. Hart. H as in hurt, A as in and, Linney insisted in a recent public statement, Local Student “Almost Definitely” R as in ravaging, T as in trauma.” which sought to explain the failure of his Leaving Apartment Tomorrow As much as Lester was frightened plans. He described how after getting a by Sean Keane, In-a-sec by the disconcerting choice of words, he bit of a late start after sleeping in, he had pressed on following company protocol. indulged in what he expected would be After nearly 84 consecutive hours It wasn’t until the man claimed he lived on a brief session of video gaming, which spent within the walls of his apart- Marley (Murders-Are-Rare-Lester-Except- turned out to last for four hours. He then ment, student John Patterson will be Yours) Street in Tampa (Telemarketer- resolved to begin his work immediately venturing outside tomorrow, probably. Assaulter-Machetes-Pulmonary-Artery), after checking e-mail, an online activity Speaking from his living room couch, Florida (Fucking-Lester-Over-Requires- which spiraled into an unsatisfying three- behind a haphazard pile of empty Insanity-During-Amputation), that Lester hour search for decent porn. Linney soda cans, pizza boxes, and half-eaten was thoroughly convinced that this man blamed the unnecessarily long time spent packages of uncooked Ramen noodles, was not interested in his free tropical searching on the frustrating ubiquity of Patterson revealed he had “pretty Discover T-shirt. thumbnailed pictures which were actually much decided” to attend the next day’s “It’s not like it’s been my lifelong blind links to other sites. Psychology 130 discussion. dream to be a telephone sales associate,” In light of these setbacks, Linney “I know I’ve been in kind of a slump,” said a frustrated Lester. “My job’s no frolic claims to have learned his lesson. Room- said Patterson, stroking the four day’s in the hay you know. These people, they mates, however, remain skeptical. worth of stubble on his chin. “But I’m think just because you’re a telemarketer mostly caught up with the reading now, you’re not human or something. It’s like Moratorium Issued on and I bet I can get the notes when I run we’re these weird telemarketing evil robots Hair Professor Jokes into Steve, as long as I manage to wake up or evil telemarketing blobs of goo. I mean, by Matt Holohan, Student Advocate before noon. And fi nd some clean clothes, fuck! Next time these too,” he continued, glancing down at his harass me I’ll tell them “L as in lick, M as Citing what it referred to as “a sweatpants and dingy T-shirt. in my, H as in hairy, B as in balls.” growing trend of unchecked redun- “Even if I don’t make it to section, Lester failed to elaborate on the dancy,” the Berkely Chamber of Com- I’m defi nitely going to shower tomor- meaning of the word “lmhb.” merce issued an indefi nite moratorium row,” Patterson concluded. “At least, on all jokes likening “The Hair Profes- I’m fairly sure I will.” “Productive” Weekend Actually sor” to an actual college professor. The Weekend of Video Games, Porn measure was endorsed unanimously Telemarketer Disturbed by the city council. by Kenny Byerly, Porn Game Addict “The Hair Professor has been in busi- by Strange Acronyms ness since 1972,” said Councilmember by Cory Zue, Better in Person Despite a repeatedly stated inten- Kriss Worthington. “And we’ve been tion to use the upcoming weekend to dealing with those retarded jokes ever A prospective customer thoroughly “catch up on reading and fi nally clean since. It’s time to put a stop to this, for disturbed telemarketer Lester Martin of up around the apartment,” Berkeley the sake of all mankind.” Discover Credit Cards with his unsettling student Edward Linney in fact spent The moratorium makes illegal, acronyms. Lester, who cordially greeted the majority of the weekend playing among other things, replying to the the customer, made friendly banter Tokyo Extreme Racer on his roommate’s statement “I just got a haircut at the and eventually convinced the man to Sega Dreamcast and viewing sexually Hair Professor” with “Looks like the apply for a Platinum Discover card with suggestive pictures of naked women on Hair Professor should have his tenure complimentary T-shirt. the Internet. Linney’s friends expressed reviewed,” “I hope you gave him a “Everything was going great,” said surprise that he had not met his goal. scathing course evaluation,” and “Are Lester, “until I started to get his personal “All week he’s been saying how this you sure it wasn’t the Hair GSI?” The information.” weekend was going to change everything,” measure also outlaws more pedestrian The situation turned bleak when said classmate Alyna Louis. “He even quips like “I don’t think the Hair Profes- Larry Hart, the customer, began to spell told me specifi cally that he wouldn’t be sor is a very good professor.” his name as requested. able to hang out Saturday, because he’d The Hair Professor himself couldn’t “Larry,” he said “L as in Lester, A as be too busy reading.” be reached for comment, since he never in anally, R as in roughly, R as in rape, Y “I really intended to be productive,” showed up to his offi ce hours this week. 6 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 The Robots & Dinosaurs & Race Cars Club Lorenza Elementary School Chapter, 3/24/01 Top Ten Vegetarian Musicals 10. Okrahoma Minutes Prepared by P.J. Jammerson, Secretary Supreme 9. West Side Salad 8. The Pine Nuts of Penzance Club president Stewart Mr. Moppett’s use of 7. Bring in the Soy, Bring in the Funk Hamlin brought the meet- the second person there 6. Oliver! Oil 5. Banannie Get Your Gun ing to order at approxi- refers to Mr. Sirpansky, 4. The Sound of Mueslix mately 3:20pm, lead- and most definitely 3. A Funny Thing Happened on the ing the assembly not to the courteous Way to the Forum, to Buy Cabbage 2. Jesus Christ Did You Try the Vege- in the RDRC Club and accommodat- table Dip? anthem. The rendi- ing honorable Mr. 1. Rentcumber tion, while techni- Jammerson. Top Ten Reasons to Wake Up Angry cally competent, was Theresa McCall, 10. You’re on the wrong side of the bed lacking that certain twin sister of ser- 9. You’re underneath the bed special RDRC pizzazz, geant-at-arms Andy 8. You’re on the fl oor and your room- mate is on the street selling your and it left this Secretary McCall and, as such, bed to some Pakistanis Supreme less than satisfi ed. outside the probable range 7. You’re getting oral from a dead guy As per RDRC protocol, Mr. Hamlin of Mr. Moppett’s oafen fl ab-ham- 6. You’re half buried in a cemetery somewhere outside of Mexico City called on treasurer Manny Sirpansky mer of a fi st, however, took a differ- 5. You woke up little Susie with your to deliver the weekly report on RDRC ent stance. She said that she didn’t snoring and she kicked your nuts club fi nances. Mr. Sirpansky, however, know why all the stupid boys liked up your ass 4. Instead of your alarm clock, there’s a proceeded to deliver a report on the their stupid dinosaurs anyhow. Stupid ten piece mariachi band and they’re existence of dinosaur skeletons in his dinosaurs, she conjectured, are prob- dressed like Latin Robocops backyard, most notably a full and intact ably good for nothing. Maybe for 3. You weren’t planning on switching phone companies at 8:00 in the diplodocus skeleton that Sirpansky tramping dirt all over the carpet morning, but the person calling you christened “Dippy.” and eating all the bath-soap, she thought you should. At this point, member at large clarifi ed on a quick but still damning 2. You’re in a bathtub full of ice, Clem Moppett, although thoroughly reconsideration. but your kidneys have not been removed, so you’re still not sure if out of order, asserted his corpulent Ms. McCall was met with shouts it’s an urban myth bulk and threatened to unduly terror- from several members at large, to the 1. You’re an infant, you’re hungry, ize the honorable Mr. Jammerson, effect of, “You’re a stupid girl and we you’ve got a poopy diaper, and you have feet the size of an NBA power Secretary Supreme, if the honorable like robots and dinosaurs!” forward Mr. Jammerson did not write down Ms. McCall, however, retaliated every last word Mr. Moppett uttered. by developing and refusing to Top Ten Ways to Tell You Spent Too Much Money What follows is a matter of strictly my show them to the assembly. 10. Your front teeth are gold plated own cowardice: Mr. Hamlin ruled Ms. McCall’s and people now call you B-Dog “It’s not fair! Every week Sirpan- accelerated and ludicrous puberty 9. You’re driving an 18-wheeler loaded with vanilla pudding sy’s in here with another stupid dino- out of order and demanded an immedi- 8. Your triple bypass bill gave you a saur or something! Sirpansy, do you ate return to relevant club business: heart attack even know what treasurers are sup- imaginary dinosaurs and the like. 7. It’s got a spoiler, a subwoofer, and chromed hubcaps, but it’s still just posed to do?!” Mr. Sirpansky, having regained the a Honda. At this Mr. Sirpansky took umbrage. fl oor, noted that his diplodocus skeleton 6. You’re holding a degree from Stan- The honorable Mr. Jammerson, however, had not only been in perfect condition, ford 5. You’re naked, your car is gone, and ignored him. but had spontaneously reincorporated the bitch that gave you blue balls is “How come everything cool always and gained the power of speech, and driving it happens to Sirpansy, huh? ‘Oh look, I that Mr. Sirpansky and his talking dino- 4. You’re old and white, but your wife doesn’t look old...she may be found a dinosaur. It was right next to that pal Dippy Diplodocus were planning to white meteorite I found last week. My name’s drag race Mr. Hamlin and his talking 3. You’re eating Super-Sized fries. Manny Sirpansy and I’m a big stupid triceratops, Topsy. 2. There are two friends in your apart- ment, and enough alcohol for fi fty pansy. And I suck.’ I mean, yeah, just last The meeting was then adjourned, 1. You saw the stereo you just bought month space robots fought a galactic world and all members were treated to com- for $399 at Best Buy for $329. war in my garage, and yes, I myself turned plimentary punch and cookies by Mrs. the tide of battle and single-handedly Hamlin, with the exception of Mr. Mop- saved the known universe, but still, it’s pett, who was thoroughly spanked. just not fair. And I hate you.” End report.

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 7 The Super Kmart Diaries: 24 Four Squelch editors and one webmaster set out to test their mental stamina over a 24-hour period under severe unlivable conditions. Those conditions were provided by a Super Kmart, a modern wonder of capitalist endeavor, a superstore the size of two football fi elds fi lled to the brim with every feasible product of mediocre quality. Five men, 24 hours, one store, Super Kmart. This is how their story unfolds.

3:30 PM: The group pulls a scale toilet anyway, and Sean unknowingly walks off the shelf to weigh themselves. in on him. Average weight: 165 lbs. Zack: “Sean saw my penis ... and I’m okay 3:50 PM: Zack helps a small child to with that.” mount a snowboard precariously atop 10:00 PM: Zack’s left starts hurting. a skateboard and, with a wink and a Cause unknown. nod, sends the lad careening through sporting goods. Tommaso expresses optimism about his ability to get through the Kmart ordeal: 4:00 PM: Our trip appears seem- Tommaso: “I’m going to do it, I’m just not ingly harmless. There’s nothing to going to like it” distinguish our fi rst hour as being Sean: “You know, my girlfriend used to tell me any different than a typical outing the same thing.” to Super K. Slight despair begins to set in. 5:00 PM: We’ve seen practically every product in the store twice. 11:00 PM: Stupid girls Cynthia and Michael arrive Conclusion: one hour will more than suffi ce to peruse Super K’s to visit. Unlike the fatigued core group, they are full full line of goods. Twenty-two hours left. of energy, still deriving no end of amusement from 5:45 PM: During a game of Hide-and-Seek, Zack hides among the kitschy products on display. Sean: “Oh, wow, the little girls’ pants, periodically upshifting both the strategic you discovered some crappy products ... we’ve been rt complexity of his denim/khaki hideaway and the depths of his looking at them for 8 hours and eating crappy food. own perversion. You found a fucking hat. Big fucking deal.” 7:00 PM: Tommaso attempts to order 20 pieces of chicken instead Zack’s testicle is still in pain. Boback discusses of 25 in hopes of swapping in some “disgusting coleslaw.” the logistics of butt-fucking in the freezer aisle, Deli worker: Hi, can I help you? leading to the inescapable but hardly startling conclusion that Boback is . Boback: Yeah, we’d like the 25-piece chicken meal— ma Tommaso: Hey, could we maybe get 20 pieces and maybe some coleslaw 12:00 AM: A Kmart employee learns of the or something? experiment; implores group to make itself at Deli worker: ... You mean ... home. She reveals the truth behind Kmart’s Sean: Fucking Tommaso coleslaw motherfuck ass face no coleslaw locking of fi tting rooms at night: It prevents transients from cunt lick mother ass fuck 25 defecating in the rooms and wiping themselves with clean motherfucking piece fuck new clothes. When asked why these people do not simply chicken shit damn hobag utilize Kmart’s restrooms, she has no answer. potato has no “e” fuck crap Zack’s testicle still hurts. god damn mountain dew? 1:00 AM: The store is sparsely populated, the Tommaso: Okay ... [backs atmosphere mellow. Oddly, most patrons at this away] hour are 4-6 year olds—are they nocturnal children? Is thi s Kenny: Hey guys, wouldn’t it the only time they can come out? be great if we consumed the fi nal piece of this chicken about 1:30 AM: Boback persuades Zack and Kenny to buy Kmart ten hours from now? rain boots with the promise that they can be “rid of wet socks, Zack: I don’t care, just so forever.” Kenny, though, gets soaked one last time when Zack long as Sean doesn’t burst and Boback team up on a 2-for-1 half-price offer, and he is into the bathroom while I’m left paying full price. taking a shit. 2:00 AM: Zack decides to purchase a pair of plush slippers Boback: Mmm ... that sounds shaped like remote controls, guaranteeing that as long as hot, Zack. he wears them, he may never get play, although he’ll always 8:00 PM: Unable to lock be able to press “play.” the bathroom stall door, Sean worries about body odor, despite having “Febrezed” Zack risks the use of the his shirt. 8 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 24 24 Hours of Blue Light Agony dubs the past hour “Bag on Boback Hour.” He declares his intention to show everyone “who’s on top.” The clear sexual implication is that he is gay, despite vehement denials. 11:00 AM: The group breaks into teams and plays a rousing, fast-paced game of Supermarket Sweep, as seen on TV. Although ankles are swollen with fl uid and mouths are fi lled with the bitter stale air of freshly waxed linoleum fl oors, fi nding secret clues behind giant bottles of Shasta while running around like imbeciles restores the group’s faith in life. 12:00 PM: Tommaso attempts to sample a lunch choice before buying: Deli worker: Hi, can I help you? Tommaso: Yeah, I was thinking about getting the gumbo, but I wanted 3:00 AM: The group learns of Zack’s testicle to know if I could taste it fi rst. problems. Boback: “I would feel so guilty if Deli worker: What? something bad happened to Zack’s left nut. I didn’t want Tommaso: Can I taste the gumbo? any casualties, but he seems like he’s willing to lose the left Deli worker (slight disbelief): You want to ... taste the gumbo? nut, if it’s for a good cause. This is a good cause.” Tommaso: Ye— 5:00 AM: After a long conversation about balls, two members Deli worker: No. of the group contemplate switching to boxers. 1:00 PM: Having had 5 cups of coffee takes its toll, as Zack Kenny: “Maybe I’m ready to venture out, endures three “very full and very powerful” bouts of urination , expand the number of boxer shorts in my even as he feels the coffee dissolving the inner lining of his wardrobe. It’s a bold new choice ... a new era ... a stomach. Everybody is in the electronics department watching a Franklin Delano Roosevelt World War II Piece of Shit Special, sign that this Kmart trip will produce lasting effects which Tommaso enjoys immensely. Zack hates everybody, ... a whole new way of looking at the world.” but in a good way. 6:00 AM: Seeing Kmart in the morning is like seeing the Sean prepares to leave Kmart behind, to “wipe away the fi rst snow of winter—everything is new, pristine and unspoiled. tears, wipe away the past I once had, and let a lifetime of rt It is a thing of beauty. numbness begin.” 7:00 AM: Boback rationalizes his theft of a banana: “One 2:30 PM: The group returns to the scales to check their weight. a banana’s not going to hurt anyone. Think about all the Average weight: 163 lbs plus shame. people who suffer here daily, working for minimum 2:59 PM: Although Kmart provides shoppers the luxury of staying wage. I owe it to myself to take a free banana.” open for 24 hours, it was never intended for the hours to be u sed Hunger abounds. Everyone eagerly awaits the consecutively. Yes, this was a bad idea, but we scored a two- page breakfast sandwiches which will be available spread for the magazine, and it only cost us our sanity. at 8:00. Sean offers Boback encouragement: 3:00 PM: To everyone’s relief, the ordeal is fi nished. Lessons “Just keep saying to yourself: ‘Breakfast learned: none. sandwich, breakfast sandwich.’ But this is not you pressed between two large naked men. It’s something far better.” A Haiku by Tommaso: Super Kmart store; 8:00 AM: Like so much else at Kmart, the breakfast sandwiches We stayed there 24 hours. are disappointing and unsatisfying. Oh God, what a waste. 9:00 AM: Boback, suffering prolonged ridicule,

SQUELCH FAMILY SHOPPING CART ITEM QTY. PRICE Rubber Rainboots 3 pairs $2499 Salt & Vinegar Chips 1 bag $300FREE! Banana 1 $020FREE! Malted Milk Balls ~10-12 $125FREE! Chaka’s Mmm Sauce 1 bottle $5 69 Folding chairs 4 $6 49 Talking Eeyore 1 $1599 Remote Control Slippers 1 pair $9 99 Paw Slippers 1 pair $9 99 Cassette Tape 1 $3 50

24 May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 9 Top Ten Worst Things to Be Allergic To When Thomas 10. Latex Jefferson’s white 9. Antibodies 8. Your own skin descendants and black 7. Dimes descendants live together 6. Noon in Monticello, be 5. Mirrors prepared for life, liberty, 4. True love and the pursuit of 3. Whatever the opposite of tormenting small caged helpless animals is wackiness! Coming this 2. Sneezing summer, on the WB! 1. Verbs

Top Ten Ways to Tell You’ve Found SCENE 1 SCENE 2 a Quality Girl INT. COURTROOM EXT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM 10. She has a huge red USDA stamp on her JUDGE: After reviewing both parties’ (RASHAD and ORVILLE arrive outisde 9. Her sister suffers from epileptic sei- claims to the estate of Thomas Jefferson, I the bathroom door simultaneously, clad zures, and thus the sister at hand is have to come to a decision. in bathrobes, towels in hand) by comparison a quality fi nd RASHAD WILEY: Alright, Judge. Tell ORVILLE: Out of the way, Wiley. 8. She reminds you of your mother 7. She reminds you of your mother this peckerwood that I win, and let’s I have a tee time at the club in 45 naked get on with it. The Hornets game is on minutes. 6. thick healthy hymen in half an hour. RASHAD: Not so fast, Fuzzy Zoeller. 5. feet tightly bound ORVILLE TITHERINGTON: Your I’ve got to meet the kids at the 4. has all her papers and she’s clean 3. She’s two feet tall and makes your Honor, can you do something about this recreation center in half an hour. I’m penis look enormous impudent little... man. He’s been completely sure those old white men at your club 2. bonus hole uncouth and out of control for the entire can wait. 1. Your group of quality friends have proceedings. ORVILLE: I beg your pardon! My already gotten with her RASHAD: Hey! Don’t be callin’ me little, country club is extremely diverse. Top Ten Pointlessly Exotic Sexual you toupee-wearin’ beanpole. RASHAD: Oh, please. The only black Practices ORVILLE: Why you impudent ruffi an! man that’s ever played that golf course 10. Yoga (WILEY and TITHERINGTON scuffl e. The is Tiger Woods. Anyway, why don’t 9. French Hugging 8. BDSMQWXCTF JUDGE bangs the gavel) you just shower donwstairs? 7. Menage ‘e un JUDGE: Order in the court! Mr. Wiley, ORVILLE: I assure you, my ancestors 6. Nasalingus your behavior has been disgraceful this did not fi ght the Revolutionary War so 5. Auto-Erotic Tea-bagging 4. Sex with Tom past week. (ORVILLE sticks his tongue that I’d have to shower in that mildewed, 3. PhoneFeltching out at RASHAD) And Mr. Titherington, leaky shower stall. 2. 96 you’ve been even worse! (RASHAD mocks RASHAD: (pause) Look. I ain’t even 1. Oral Fisting ORVILLE) You’re lucky I don’t fi nd both of gonna go into what Sally Hemmings Top Ten Formulaic Top Ten Entries you in contempt of court! Therefore, I order did, but you better believe I deserve 10. The one about anal sex and/or both of you to live together in Thomas a shower with water pressure just as masturbation Jefferson’s former home, Monticello, for much as you do. 9. The obscure 80’s pop-culture refer- one full year. After that year, I’ll review the (BATHROOM DOOR opens. Neighbor ence 8. The one that takes the premise liter- case, and see if you two have learned to get CHANDRAKANT PATEL exits) ally along any better. Case dismissed! PATEL: Oh, hello gentlemen. Sorry to 7. The self-deprecating one (JUDGE exits) occupy your restroom. I was making 6. The shamelessly unfunny coding/ (RASHAD and ORVILLE stare at one vegetable curry with young Trey in physics joke 5. The timely reference to campus another, jaws wide open) the kitchen. Feel free to try some. news BAILIFF: I guess all men really are (PATEL exits. ORVILLE and RASHAD 4. The one that’s not a joke created equal. step forward, and both notice the 3. The one that references an earlier foul odor from the bathroom. Both entry 2. The really long, rambling one “Monticello!” immediately step back.) 1. The one about Hoku Jeffrey/Lauren leys are TJ’s heirs ORVILLE: Wiley, please go ahead... The Wi eir shares Bausch ey’re going to get th consider it affi rmative action. And now th tions It won’t be repara RASHAD: There’s been some kind commodations Just luxury ac Monticello! of action in that bathroom, but I e theirs ught the home would b wouldn’t call it affirmative. Race The Titheringtons tho awares ruling caught them un you downstairs! The judge’s ion Due to miscegenat (ORVILLE runs after RASHAD) t integration The home’s go (FADE OUT) Monticello!

10 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 Top Ten Ways to Act Like You’re enguin 25 Thames Lane Working in a Pizza Factory London W2 S7 10. Make pizzas January 23, 1604 9. Throw dough in air for no appar- ublishing ent reason P 8. Turn pizza-making machines on Dear Mr. Shakespeare, and off Our reviewer has gone over your recent submission, The Complete Works of William 7. Slide giant pizza paddle around in oven, then take out Shakespeare. While we feel the work shows great ambition and promise, we regret that we 6. Frantically load backed-up pizzas cannot publish it at this time. Enclosed, please fi nd our suggestions: from pizza conveyor belt 5. Ride around in forklift • Your allusion to Schrodinger’s Cat in Romeo and Juliet is clever, but perhaps binds 4. Repeat in loud voice, “I sure am making a lot of pizzas!” up the plot a bit too much. Where you have written, 3. Order pizza! Romeo: Give me a dram of poison, of such dubious and volatile nature, 2. Lie down in giant vat of pizza that if I imbibe the whole thereof, then bind myself within a box, it shall sauce and make pizza angels be impossible to tell if I am either dead or alive, and as such, persons 1. Keep one Netscape browser window shall have to assume both! open to Pizza.org while writing personal emails Apothercary: If you had the strength of ten men, it might or might not dispatch you straight. Top Ten Pornographic Landmarks We suggest something a little more appropriate for a tragedy. Additionally, your 10. The Lube stage direction for the closing scene reads, “If the audience claps enough, they 9. Great Barrier Beef come back to life.” This betrays a certain juvenile character in the work. 8. Space Needle 7. Golden Showers Gate Bridge 6. Viagra Falls (I’m sorry...) • In Richard III, there are more than enough puns on “hump.” Certainly, 5. Washington Monument Margaret was far too old for such suggestions to be taken seriously. 4. Great Lakes of Female Ejaculate 3. Grand Canyon • The themes in The Merry Homosexual Men of Windsor are a little strong. Might 2. Girl’d Center there be some way of toning down the humor while retaining the essential 1. Naked Statue of Liberty nature of the work? Top Ten Inappropriate Memorials • Again, in Hamlet, you include a provision in your stage direction for an alternative 10. Any and all grief surrounding ending. You may wish to try focusing on the linear plot, and add stage direction Jerry Garcia at a later time, on an as-needed basis. 9. Steve Allen Marble Pillar of Comedy 8. Religion based on cross symbolic As for the setting in Hamlet, no one is going to believe a story about generation- for Christ spanning, geopolitical confl ict between France and the Federation of German 7. Washington Monument States. Perhaps you should set the scene in a region better known for militarism. 6. The Airwolf Sanctuary 5. Quake III Klebold/Harris Edition • The plot device of precognizant witches in MacBeth is an interesting one. 4. Ethnic studies eternal cop car However, predictions like, “No man except MacDuff may harm Mac Beth” and fl ame “MacBeth shall rule, ’til exactly two and a half months fr om now” detract very 3. Vietnam War Boring Wall of Names much from the suspense of this political thriller. Perhaps th e mystic nature of 2. A giant trophy case for Tom witchcraft can be evoked with a more mysterious effect. Holmoe after we kill him 1. Mark Paul Gosselar eternal mono- • How about if you put a lying, scheming Jew in one of your plays? logue to camera

• In Twelfth Night, the plot climaxes with a man making out with a woman Top Ten Things to Do with 50 Corpses who has made out with his sister, while she was pretending to be him. Is Weekend at Ber- there some way you could make that any creepier? We didn’t think it was 10. Film parody of nie’s, starring one live person and creepy enough. 50 dead guys 9. Stack on the top of Campanile to • Henry V could use an elaborate scene spoken entirely in a foreign language. A make it 50 people taller good excuse for including this scene might be found in an obsc ure pun on a 8. Put in a paper bag, light on fi re, set French colloquialism for ‘vagina.’ on neighbor’s doorstep 7. Sell on road so people can ride in • Knock it off with all the pretentious Pink Floyd references. Carpool lane 6. Line them up, then knock them down like dominos We hope that these suggestions will help you to realize the potential locked within your 5. Enroll in hard classes to lower the work, Mr. Shakespeare. Please don’t hesitate to resubmit this manuscript, along with mean any future works you may produce. 4. Have join Sigma Phi Epsilon to emphasize how dead the house is Cordially yours, 3. Drop out windows 2. Take seven and form your own damn octet Francis Bacon1. Toss in junk drawer

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 11 May #59

Home to some 60 inhabitants, all women, Alpha Omicron Pi projects THE BOY WITHOUT FEAR an outward sense of elegance, even respectability. But for those who make their home within its bleak, labyrinthine otherwise prepared for a night which will neanderthals and ubiquitous stolen halls, it is something else altogether. inevitably end in sex with a stranger. road signs serve as poor substitutes The air reeks of estrogen and stale An ear-splitting CRASH fills the for genuine human affection. Out perfume, and the faint aura of bi-curious room, followed by shards of broken there, he can’t protect them. But girls desperately trying to prove them- glass. A caped, masked fi gure crouches within AOPi is his territory. selves as women. Yet there is one silently in the middle of the room. Not in my house. Never in my house. lone resident who shines through this “Who—who are you?! ” Tanya Outside the tiny basement window, darkness. He is Alpha Omicron Pi’s chokes, voice quivering. the light grows faintly brighter. protector; its hero. “Just call me Houseboy,” says the Houseboy rushes to look, and fi nds fi gure, with a friendly smirk. the familiar Omicron-shaped searchlight Alpha Omicron Pi. Day. With practiced speed, Houseboy illuminating the cloud-covered skies. produces a package of birth control pills The signal. Sharon McIntyre and Leslie Cohn are from one of the many capsule-sized chatting peaceably with handsome compartments on his uterity belt. Alpha Omicron Pi. Kitchen. Sean Smith, who also happens to live “Thank you,” says Tanya, voice The somewhere in Alpha Omicron Pi, for tinged with wonder. House Mother shivers at the chilly reasons no one can quite fi gure. “Pregnancy? Not in my house,” night air blowing through the open “Looks like the fl oor’s been mopped,” replies Houseboy, and plunges grace- kitchen window. Sharon observes casually. “I wonder fully out the window. Tanya gasps and “Trouble?” who did that.” rushes to the windowsill—but already, She turns and sees that, yet again, “I bet it was the Houseboy,” Leslie he is gone. the Houseboy has soundlessly appeared gushes, a gleam of excitement in her Mere seconds later, Sharon and right behind her. “Always the showman,” usually vacant eyes. Leslie burst in. says the House Mother quietly, and Sean chuckles. “Oh, come on. “Tanya! Is everything okay?” takes a drag on her cigarette. Don’t tell me you believe in that ‘House- “I-I lost my pills, but Houseboy saved Houseboy’s microfi ber-Kevlar cape boy’ nonsense. That’s nothing but a me.” fl utters softly in the wind. “So what is house myth.” “See Sharon? I knew he was real. it this time?” “Don’t laugh, Sean, it’s true. Karen Too bad Sean wasn’t here to see this. “Dishes.” even saw him once.” It seems like he’s always running off “Leave it to me.” “Sure, that could have been anyone. whenever trouble’s afoot.” “I’d hoped you’d say that. House- She might’ve just seen me.” “Yeah, what a loser.” boy—” Now it is the girls’ turn to laugh. “Oh “Yes?” honestly, Sean. As if anyone could ever Alpha Omicron Pi. Thursday Night. “It never ends, does it?” mistake you for the Houseboy.” “This? No. But someone has to keep “I guess you’re right. I still say it’s a Houseboy reclines in his state-of-the-art up the fi ght.” load of bunk, though.” basement lair, his massive supercomput- She turns away, takes another drag. Suddenly, from the depths of the ers humming softly. It is a moment of Smoke billows from her nostrils. hallways, a muffl ed shriek. relief from the neverending cacophony “You should quit.” “Sorry, girls, I just remembered—I’ve of squealing girly voices that fi ll the night, “Maybe someday, Houseboy. When got a lot of homework to do.” Before they a grating yet comforting backdrop for the this job will let me.” can say goodbye, Sean is gone. Houseboy’s crusade for justice. No reply. With a start, House The Houseboy’s stony features Mother turns around. Gone. Dishes Alpha Omicron Pi. A bedroom. form a grim frown as he contem- clean, and neatly stacked. “Thanks, plates the drunken debauchery in old chum,” she whispers softly, and Today, Tanya Tiffl er knows true horror. which his girls fi nd solace—the Frat with a faint smile, she extinguishes Birth control. Missing. And she, so parties where bump-and-grinding her cigarette. 12 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 AirBART Top Ten Ways to Catch the Loch Ness Monster 10. Send him a Crushlink email BUS DRIVER APPLICATION 9. With Loch Ness monster paper Name: 8. In a really big baseball glove 7. Pour salt in the Loch, and continue We’re glad you’ve chosen to join the ranks of the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) family. pouring salt in the Loch until the This is application is your fi rst step in starting your career as an AirBART bus driver. monster fl oats to the surface 6. Pour arsenic in the Loch. Monster dies. Go home. Short Answers Multiple Choice 5. Paint a fake tunnel onto the Loch 1) When was the last time you rode wall 1) If someone enters the bus and attempts 4. With honey, rather than vinegar AirBART? to pay the fare with cash, what should 3. Turn the world upside down, and you do? handily catch the monster as it 2) Do you like to go in circles? When was falls. the last time you drove in circles? a) take the cash and pocket it yourself 2. French kiss someone who already b) redirect them to the machines where has the Loch Ness monster. 3) Many children have toys that go in they can purchase AirBART tickets. 1. Dress up as a sexy female Loch circles. Are you a child? Ness monster, keeping you true 2) After stopping at Terminal 1, where non-monster identity secret until the 4) If you were child, would you like monster can’t escape playing games that went in circles? do you go next? a) Terminal 1 Top Ten Benefi ts of Buying a College 5) Starting with Terminal 1, list all three b) Terminal 2 Yearbook AirBART stops in order. 10. No longer need to leave your house c) Coliseum BART Station to look at people you don’t know 6) How big is your ass? 9. Suede-like velveteen cover (1998 Mass: 3) People boarding the bus at Terminal edition only) 1 will most likely get off at: 8. Something to sign at reunion, if Volume: you’ve received it by then Circumference: a) Terminal 1 7. Your freshman, sophomore, and Frictional Coeffi cient: b) Terminal 2 junior years weren’t that good c) Coliseum BART Station anyway 7) To the best of your ability, defi ne the 6. College-level sappy writing instead of high-school-level sappy writing word “Air” as it occurs in “AirBART.” 4) Only one airline fl ies in and out of 5. You can check off girl(s) you’ve Terminal 2. What is that airline? dated a) Southwest 4. Even after college, you can con- True/False tinue to ask pictures “So what’s your b) Quantas 1) People go to the Oakland Airport major?” and receive answers from c) Greyhound captions. to ride a ground transportation 3. Weighty tome keeps coffee table system. T/F from blowing away Essay Questions 2. Have record of Tuesday Night Drink- 2) The AirBART is on train tracks and a 1) Why are you the best candidate to be ing Club (TNDC) for posterity steering wheel is not required. T/F 1. Draw mustaches on professors an AirBART driver? without hurting your grade 3) You will only make three unique 2) Our drivers are continuously improving stops a day while working eight Top Ten Entries That Didn’t Make the and honing their skills, after you Other Lists in this Issue hours a day. T/F complete the route once, in what way 10. John Denver Airfi eld 4) AirBART is your best employment 9. Allergies would you make your next trip more 8. Great Wall of Vagina possibility. T/F memorable? 7. When supervisor walks in throw cheese in air and pretend it’s snow- ing 6. Phantom of the Operadish 5. Not a damn word, just let him dry hump your leg one last time, you heartless wretch. 4. Recently invested in eToaster 3. This one 2. Princess Diana golden telephoto lens 1. The non-sequitur

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 13 Paper

The Militant Man*

School Spirit

The Haas Suit of Business

*Hoku Jeffrey is a registered trademark of the New Youth-Led Civil Rights Movement. All rights reserved. 14 The Heuristic Squelch • May 2001 Ber-Dolls

Hey girls! Ever dream of living the glitzy, glamorous life of a big University Chancellor? How about a male University Chancellor from Texas? Well, now you can vicariously live out that oddly specific fantasy, at least as far as getting dressed is concerned. What will Chancellor Berdahl wear today? You decide, with these adorable outfits based on actual articles found in the chancellor’s closet!

The Minute Man

The NAMBLA

May 2001 • The Heuristic Squelch 15 “A hop, skip, and a jump to greatness!” - Ain’t it Cool News Everyone’s favorite college humor magazine makes its leap to the screen with Heuristic Squelch: The Movie, Special Features a high-octane, low-emission comedy • ’Roos of the Road: The Making of HS:1 with “explosive action and charm to • Featurette: Behind the kangaroo wire- spare” (Joel Siegel, Good Morning fighting car chase effects America)! Based on characters from • Kangaroo Overload! the popular magazine, HS:1 stars Robin • Destiny’s Child Music Video: “I’m Not Williams (sentimental, unfunny treacle) as Your Fur Coat” Sammy Hops, the hard-driving kangaroo • Limp Bizkit Music Video: “Kanga-Boom” daredevil who’s just trying to make it • A conversation with Samuel L. Jackson: home! But when Sammy meets up with “Why is everything about the kangaroo?!” ex-special forces marine Chapman • Footage Never Before Seen Anywhere, Carter (Samuel L. Jackson, Deep Blue Not Even By The People Who Made This Sea), they stumble upon a dastardly zoological conspiracy • Theatrical Trailer headed by shadowy figures in the Chilean government, and • Featurette: In the makeup chair with Sammy’s forced to burn rubber the only way he knows how! Robin Williams Action and mayhem are the name of the game as Sammy and Chapman hop, shoot, and bicker their way to victory, provin g once and for all that true friends can overcome air strikes—if they just know how to have a good time!

This “high-spirited romp” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone) has critics across the country cheering! “That boxing kangaroo from Looney Tunes—the one that always gets mistaken for a giant mouse—better watch out, because there’s a new marsupial megastar in town!” (Jeffrey Lyons, WNBC). “This movie wuz totaly fun and even tho itll never win an oscar not all movies are supposed 2 make you think and some are just fun. i saw it with my friends and we all thought it rulz!!” “[Not] disappointing!” - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times - prty_grl, imdb.com user comments

“Man sitting up in interested position, but not quite jumping up and clapping.” - San Francisco Chronicle

VOLUME 10 / ISSUE 7 PRESENTS A KANGAROO HARBOR PRODUCTION A TREMBLE THE SHEEP FILM “HEURISTIC SQUELCH: THE MOVIE” LEELEE SOBIESKI MATTHEW KIMBROUGH PAUL WALKER AND STEVE ZAHN MUSIC SUPERVISOR DJ WINAMP EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS SPUD BROTHERS PRODUCED BY YOUR STUDENT FEES DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY GOOGLE, A.S.C. WRITTEN BY CANDLELIGHT DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY www.squelched.com