The Cafe - Former O@ciaZ Organ of The Societyfor the Defenj of Tradition in Pyrotechy 1:. 0:. 0:. J:. “Magna efi Veritas et pmvalebit.” - I. EJZras, iij: 41. VOL. II OCTOBER, 1993 NO. 2.

THE DAY THE PIGEONS SHOT BACK disappointing results. It was evident that of the “normal” pyrotechnic compositions, only the dread- And I promise you shootinge, by my iudgement, ed Armstrong’s mixture would suffice. is tbe most boneste pastime of all, and sucbe one, Clay targets conform to narrow size restrictions I am sure, of all other, that hinderetb Iearninge but vary in contour; the ones in use had a pro- litel or notbinge at all, whatsoever you and some nounced step or lip at roughly the middle of their other saye. height. Thus it was a simple matter to glue a card- -ROGER ASCHAM, 1544. board disc on this ridge, creating a sealed cham- ber in the dome of the target. To our delight we Our readers are no doubt familiar with explod- found that this modification did not spoil the aero- ing targets, designed for use with and hand- dynamic properties of the saucers.* The flight of guns. These devices are relatively simple to con- our “birds” showed no detectable difference from struct and need not be dangerously sensitive; in fact that of the factory product. Some of these targets one version is commercially available. were charged with a mixture of chlorate of potas- Several years ago the author was having tea with sa, nitrate of baryta and an excess of bright alu- Mr. Bertram Q Whitworth, an enthusiastic shot- minum. Others received salutes, whistles or bright gunner and a key member of the local trap club. magnesium stars along with a bit of black powder, In the course of conversation the possibility of an while a few were simply filled with feathers for the exploding clay pigeon was raised. Obviously this was a far different proposition than the stationary *ED. NOTE.: The f 0II owing gloss on the above passage is targets with their chlorate or perchlorate flash pow- contributed by Dr. S. Dukamara, Cbirurgeon-General of our ders. A pellet of #7% or #8 shot carries much less Order, who occasionally reviews articZes submitted to The energy than a .22 caliber bullet or even a fast-mov- Case Former: ing air projectile. Furthermore, a fractured clay “The peculiar felicity of B rimstone’s selection of words is bird offers no anvil surface comparable to the earth- nowhere more evident tban in this pregnant phrase. Is not en backstops used for rifle shooting. The obvious the choice of ‘saucers’ suggestive? We are aware that there question was whether a mixture sensitive enough are those on the lunatic fringe (Anticyram navigant!) who to function reliably would be stable enough to with- allege a connection between fireworks and unidentsed jy- stand the powerful thrust of the throwing machine ing ob+cts, presumably occupied by little green men witb - or to be carried in one’s bare hands! Nonethe- pointed ears. Yet the concept of luminous, burning, or otb- less, Mr. Whitworth felt such a target would be erwise pyrotechnically charged targets, the simple product of the ideal way to enliven summer practice, and we human art$ice, is much more logical as an explanation for decided to proceed with the project. such phenomena, than is extraterrestrial phantasmagoria. . . The preliminary experiments involved targets load- “We know that the best training- for fighter pilots or an- ed with priming compound only. Each mixture was ti-aircraft gunners is trbooting yying, ’ and that the princi- made into a thin paste with water and dextrin, ple of leading or swinging through a Ji7ying target is the then generous beads of this slurry were placed same wbetber the target be a clay pigeon, a bird, or an en- around the insides of target domes and allowed to emy plane. . . all the great aces, from von Ricbtbofen to Yea- dry. Top secret testing at Whitworth’s personal trap- ger, have been devotees of the scattergun. Is it not entirely house quickly narrowed our range of choices. Mix- probable that purported ‘UFOs’ are no more than giant yarn- tures of chlorate and sulphides, even with catalysts ing clays’ launched to teach military personnel bow to shoot; like black oxide of manganese, would not ignite and in fact, what the government secretly constructs and sup- when the targets were hit. Perchlorate of potash presses publicity about is in fact fireworks, rather than sci- with red phosphorus was also tried, with equally ence-jction creatures as some fabulously suppose?” sake of variety. Finally all were carefully stacked in could hear muttering. It is highly irregular, and a box, with rags or paper toweling between to pre- probably against A.T.A. rules, for the targets to re- vent these pigeons from quarrelling in their dove- turn fire! tote. For the remainder of the round, we loaded our In order to make our invention more memorable unorthodox pigeons at random. One exploded on its debut was unannounced. The club is a rather the machine but caused no harm; its inertia car- informal one, where members take turns pulling or ried the burning stars safely out of the traphouse. even setting targets when trap boys are scarce. Thus Those containing feathers produced a subtle, dreamy it attracted no attention when the author and Mr. effect by comparison with their violent cousins, Whitworth ambled down to the traphouse with an offering a foretaste of the bird seasons ahead. Per- odd lot of targets. There was some trepidation on haps the best, rivalled only by the flash charges, the part of the perpetrators: what would happen if contained several whistling bottle rockets without the box were dropped, or if a hasty pull tripped the sticks. the arm before the loaders were clear? Also to be Upon emerging from the traphouse we were greet- considered were irate shooters. Trap is a conserva- ed by a mixture of amusement and incredulity. Blunt tive sport where concentration is at a premium and and Syms were silent at first, but eventually even any breach of protocol can be very disruptive. Mr. they managed a smile. Most of the shooters en- Syms, a visiting hotshot, was friendly enough but joyed the spectacle; in fact they were more curious took his trapshooting very seriously. One of the than indignant. Of all the practical jokes the au- regulars, a Mr. Blunt, was gruff and short-tem- thor has tried this was the best; in fact it exceed- pered, but fortunately was a close friend of the au- ed our expectations. thor’s partner in mischief. The first choice among victims was clearly 0. J. When Mr. MacNaughton blasted the first bird, MacNaughton. This affable gentleman was still neither he nor any of the observers had the slight- shooting well, despite being in his 70’s, and he was est idea what had happened! There is a special type easy-going with a fine sense of humor. He grew of 12-bore ammunition, sold for wildlife control, up in the 1930’s, and between this factor and his which is nothing more than a small trial salute. ancestry was cautious with his money - some would It did not occur to anyone that the explosive might say tight. Despite his considerable wealth, he have been in the target; instead it was decided that scrounged lead to make his own shot, and he used one of these “cracker shells” had found its way in- any and all reloading components left over from to MacNaughton’s shooting bag and that, against his chain of sporting-goods stores. In particular he all odds, he had managed to hit the target with was known for using heavy hunting loads at trap the exotic projectile! Poor old MacNaughton doubt- practice, so that shooters three stations away were ed this theory but, shaken by the Aash and lack- never safe from his ejected hulls. For variety he ing any other explanation, he found himself ac- might load a few light shot charges over slow AL- cepting it. The second surprise, with its miss and 7 or AL-8 powder, resulting in “bloopers” or squib delayed report, only served to reinforce the shoot- loads. In short, fellow shooters never knew what ers’ erroneous assumption. It was not until the pi- to expect, but could count on something unusual. geons began whistling and dropping feathers that We determined that MacNaughton had signed up their creators were recognized. In fact if we had for the fourth station, then chose a flash powder quit after the second bird we might have left peo- pigeon from our box of surprises. ple guessing for years, but we had no way of know- After the customary sample target, which is not ing this at the time. The author was later ques- shot, we began counting. Each shooter, including tioned by a constable, not about explosives law but our unsuspecting victim, was allowed one normal about technical details. It seems the officer had bird to establish rhythm. Six - seven - eight - the tried gluing primacord and commercial “Bullz-1” ninth bird settled very gently on the moving arm, targets inside clay pigeons, naturally without suc- then took flight. 0. J. MacNaughton obligingly cess. centered the target, which disappeared with a bril- Anyone wishing to duplicate this stunt must re- liant flash and a mushroom cloud of gray smoke. member that Armstrong’s mixture is extremely sen- This was followed by silence - no cries of “pull”, sitive. There is a strong temptation to use power- no shooting, no sounds at all except from the sur- ful explosive fillings, but this could be disastrous if rogate trap boys, who were gasping for breath and the target cracked on the throwing machine. Even trying not to roll on the floor. with the milder payloads, gloves and safety glass- After a few suspenseful moments the shooting es are advisable. Also, these targets must be load- resumed. A second “special”, also intended for Mac- ed singly by hand; they are obviously not suitable Naughton, was missed; it sailed lazily over the hill, for automated machines which have a “magazine” where its salute exploded with a muffled boom. of clay birds. If the author ever tries the trick again, This time, even from our concrete sanctuary, we fillings will include black smoke stars, dragon eggs

2 .

, and colored smoke puffs. At any rate, nobody who nium nitrate, because of its easy availability, low saw it will ever forget the day the pigeons shot cost, and unrecorded sales. There were drawbacks, back. -Y though. You couldn’t just fill a firecracker with the stuff and put a fuse in it. It had to be sensitized, T. BABINGTON BRIMSTONE boosted to high-order detonation, and initiated with a primary explosive, We had none of the stuff to do it, but college had at least taught us resource- fulness. Ammonium nitrate is a common fertilizer (34 A CRATER IN ONE O-O analysis), and we obtained one hundred pounds of it, no questions asked. Booster explosive was Forsan et hat olim meminisse juvabit. found in the form of Hercules Bullseye, a double- -VIRGIL, LEN. I:cciij. based smokeless powder, which contains 39% nitroglycerin by weight. 6% #2 diesel oil by weight I had waited patiently and suffered silently for served to sensitize the ammonium nitrate and repli- almost two years to arrive at this week. I had made cate ANFO, a commercial blasting explosive then countless thermodynamic calculations, had pulled made by DuPont. The electric blasting caps were all-nighters studying the effects of electron spin, provided by Chris’ brother, a National Guardsman. polymerization, and countless other sources of quan- It took up only several days to assemble the net- tum tedium, to arrive at this week, which I had essary materials. Now came the more worrisome , known had to come sooner or later. This week Dr. take of designing a definitive experiment that would Inca Allen began a series of lectures, scheduled to hurt no one and keep us out of jail. My reputa- last all week, on the detailed effects of nitration. tion with the local constabulary was such that I Organic Chemistry 203, Framingham State Uni- was sometimes interrogated for stout thunderclaps, versity. and I could ill-afford trouble from this leap of de- For five days I was in a State of Grace, arriv- structive technology. ing at class with spring in step and twinkle in eye previously unknown. All that week I sat enraptured, Chris proposed an underwater test, which would taking copious notes, as Dr. Allen laid out the in- minimize noise and shock-wave damage. The Leo timate hows and whys of explosives. J. Martin golf course provided the water in the As the week’s lectures ended, I found a sense of form of a brook that meandered through it, and elation and peace I’d never known. Suddenly Charles’ although it was quite wide and hopefully deep, we Law, Boyle’s Law, Avogadro’s theorem, and myri- had misgivings about tampering with what the lo- ad other tiresome mathematical exercises came to- cal doctors, lawyers, judges, and other various ele- gether in one gleaming, brilliant moment of com- ments of the local power structure called their play- prehension. I understood everything. I knew the ground. meaning of the Universe, or at least how to blow Chris and I voted for a ten-pound device to start it up; same thing. out, but Carbide would have none of that. After some thought as to a practical demonstra- “Goddam pansies ! Fifty fuckin’ pounds! That’ll tion of my learning, I approached friend and col- goose ‘em! ,” was Carbide’s recommendation. Chris league Chris Manning, a Chem. major at another and I were horrified, explaining that we wished to college. Like myself, Chris had always held dear “goose” nobody, and we drew the line at twenty the belief that knowledge was sacred, and should pounds. After more verbal abuse from Carbide, we always be used to wreck things and cause chaos got him to agree to twenty pounds. and consternation wherever possible. It was almost We were concerned enough about the police that a moral obligation with us, not unlike the oath we built a digital timer/detonator to assure that lawyers take. we’d be nowhere near the blast. What the BATF Chris was brilliant. He had once stolen an oxy- and FBI call hi-tech terrorist’s detonators are piti- acetylene welder, poked a hole through the ice of fully easy to create. Anyone with fifteen bucks in a skating pond, and flooded the underside of the his pocket and a local Radio Shack can do it in ice with the explosive gas mixture. The blast threw half an afternoon. foot-thick ice cubes onto the nearby road and in- We took a digital travel alarm clock with a piezo- to the woods, dismembering some large trees in electric buzzer, disconnected the buzzer, and used spectacular fashion. The returning skaters found its wires to bias an NPN power transistor in the their pond shaken, not stirred. common-emitter configuration, hooking the blast- Chris, his friend Carbide (so nicknamed for his ing cap between the transistor’s collector and ground. abrasive personality), and I sat at Chris’s kitchen It could be set for up to twenty-four hours. I sup- table, cracked a couple beers, and talked it over. I pose a VCR timer could be set thusly for up to a proposed we try an initial experiment with ammo- couple weeks, but I have yet to try it.

3 It was agreed that Chris and Carbide would set We glanced back at Carbide once more as we the timer, and that Carbide would drop the device left. The man didn’t look well at all. And had in the brook from a small bridge, while I was bag- those facial tics been there yesterday? Very worri- ging groceries at Stop and Shop and Chris was some indeed. working at the laundromat. We would set it for a Chris and I went off to work but it was an 24 hour delay, or lo:30 p.m. Nobody should be evening filled with dread for us both. The first on the golf course then, and we’d return the next shoe dropped when Chris called me about mid- night to watch from a railroad trestle, about a mile night, after our work shifts, and asked if I’d been from the first tee, where the brook and device to his house to collect the remaining eighty pounds would be. of ANFO. I said no, but that Carbide had prob- It sounded like a good plan, but Chris and I ably just hidden it someplace; a prudent thing to were concerned about trusting any part of it to do. But Chris and I both know how hollow that Carbide, whose nickname was not chosen inappro- rang. Prudent things hadn’t been Carbide’s forte re- priately. Carbide was a chisel-jawed jock with a cently. We knew good and well what had hap- blond crew cut and weight-lifter’s physique. He pened. Carbide had gone and built a hundred raved and bellowed when he spoke upon any sub- pounder anyways. Yet the situation wasn’t yet hope- ject. Although a college student, we didn’t know, less, for we could find and disarm the thing to- nor could we imagine, Carbide’s major. Whatever morrow night before it blew. And so we slept on his course of study, it apparently placed such a it. strain upon him that he had taken to amphetamines It seems that there are brief moments in the to keep pace with its rigors. He had found a cheap making of any great mistake when the whole thing source of virulent speed then known as Black Beau- could be avoided, given just a moment of wisdom ties. While I never liked Carbide that much, nor and common sense. However, without such at- was I in any position to lecture against drugs, Chris tributes (never my strongest suit), it appears as and I were both concerned for the fellow. Carbide’s though minor mistakes compound into vast blun- judgement suffered terribly, and when we all met ders, obtaining eventually an almost farcical level at Chris’s house to set the timer and put the fin- of darkness and doom, as Mick Jagger doubtless ishing touches on our experiment, Carbide’s ap- knew when he wrote “Paint it Black.” pearance left us aghast. He strutted jerkily into And so it was that the second shoe dropped when Chris’s kitchen, his bright blue eyes replaced by I was rocked out of bed on that Saturday morn- vast, black orbs. He sported cowboy boots, Bermu- ing by a shock wave that knocked my Red Sox da shorts, and a tank-top reading “Basketball Jones.” pennants off the wall, crashed my model B-25 to Chris and I exchanged glances of horror. Final- the floor in pieces, and sent my cat scurrying for ly Chris cleared his throat and said, “Say, ah, Car- cover. My half-awake mind worked frantically to bide, love your threads, man. Great outfit! But don’t assure me that it was a sonic boom from a jet or you, uh, want to borrow my cammies and sneak- a nearby thunderclap, but as my eyes opened up- ers for, uh, planting bombs?” on a sunny day years after the Air National Guard Carbide snorted petulantly, called us pansies again, had been forbidden from shaking the world thus- but went to change. ly (a pity), I knew what had happened. I knew Chris and I were nervous. We were about to even before I looked at my watch - what time was connect a nigger-rigged, half-assed detonator to it? It was lo:30 a.m. of course. After all, it couldn’t something that would blow us all to atoms. Worse have happened any other way. yet, we were about to entrust the damned thing I donned my jeans and tee-shirt with a strange to a speed-freak with the common sense of a sense of calm. Surely the first tee would have been teething two-year old. I had begun to catch faint crammed with golfers. Surely their broken bodies whiffs of doom from this project’s inception; now would litter the fairways and have been sent fly- its pall hung heavy all around us. ing into distant trees, where they would now hang We sat down and connected everything up, do- like grisly, gaudy Christmas ornaments. ing a final continuity check and circuitry check. On the three bicycled miles from my house to Chris and I poured sweat, our mouths parched, the golf course, I reflected upon what must have both secretly wishing I’d never thought of doing happened. Obviously, Carbide had mixed up his this. Carbide was gleefully bobbing back and forth A.M. and PM. on the digital timer. It was un- up on his bar stool, chortling and mumbling when derstandable, but making such a mistake with a he wasn’t humming a Grateful Dead selection. hundred pound charge was a miserably morbid one. Our task finished, we left the bomb with Car- This was Endsville . . . . no doubt about it. I was bide, who fondled it lovingly while breaking into gone. a whistle of some morbid Gerry Garcia lead. Now My arrival at the golf course awed even me. all Carbide had to do was set the timer and throw Every cop and his brother from every depart- the whole thing in the drink. ment imaginable was present. So was the Fire

4 Department, rescue units, bomb squad, air-evac. he- I was about to crawl out from under that truck licopters, Elvis - EVERYBODY. again and make myself scarce, sensing possible sur- The calm, damp morning nurtured the blanket vival of this situation, when a cold, huge, wet hand of white nitrate smoke that hugged the fairway. slapped me on the back of the neck. I sprang up High in the air still hung the remnants of the dirty with demonic tension, braining myself on that truck brown mushroom cloud, which had risen to a ti- chassis so soundly that the world closed briefly in- tanic height above the clubhouse. to darkness, reappearing after several seconds. It occurred to me that I shouldn’t be seen here, I found myself staring into the bright green eyes but that illusion slid away like diarrhoea. It didn’t of a huge bullfrog whose leap onto my neck I had matter where I was. I was in TROUBLE. The biggest mistaken for a hand’s grasp. It regarded me ac- TROUBLE of my life. While I’ve had various mis- cusingly, it seemed. I reached out to pet it, to re- adventures with fireworks and explosives on a small- assure it. Yet something else was needed. I had er, marginally humorous scale, this was something blown the frog from its home and I had wrecked else. The first tee looked like Hiroshima; a Hole its world. in One Holocaust. Mud was everywhere. So were I scooped the frog up and scuttled from beneath decades worth of golf balls that had strayed into the truck. The brook on the eighth green, about the brook. The first fairway looked like a sewage 150 yards away, looked about like the first tee’s treatment plant. The ooze dripped like vomit from brook had been, so I cradled the frog and began those trees that still had leaves, which were few. walking in that direction. The small bridge crossing the brook had been blown I hurried through the excited mob towards the into something useful only to a maniacal motorcy- eighth green. I glanced towards the horde of Welles- ’ cle jumper, for it was horribly gnarled and twist- ley Police, not fifteen feet away, only to see ed. Officer Paul Maccini was looking directly at me. I resolutely waded into the crowd to try to es- Nobody else; just Paul. I stopped for a moment tablish a body count. Miraculously, nobody seemed and we locked eyes. The frog swiveled its head and to be carting off muddy human appendages to the gazed at Maccini. I wonder to this day what Paul ambulances. People stood around looking perplexed, Maccini saw. Surely my eyes were red and tear- muttering things like, “Damned, just like Normandy streaked, my face muddy and sorrowful. He must Beach.” have seen the frog, for he seemed to smile faint- Golfers, who in that day usually dressed like chub- ly before I vanished back into the melee of pan- by John Travoltas, smeared in vain at the mud icked people. caked on them. I let the frog go back to a place very much like No one spoke to me except Father O’Malley, who its home that I’d wrecked. I guess Maccini let me was still searching for his toupee amongst the mad- go too, for reasons unknown. Perhaps he had seen, denly look-alike divots that seemed to be every- in that brief moment of honesty that passed be- where. He knew of my interests, as priests are gen- tween us wordlessly, that I had learned a lesson. erally well-informed of things about town. He Oh, I had indeed. glanced up at me from his knees while eyeing a It was a simple lesson for me, really. It’s this: suspected toupee, only to find another divot. His With liberty comes responsibility. They seem to go glasses sat askew on his face, one lens plastered hand in hand. with mud. He gazed up at me with what seemed Mild mischief in one thing, but life-threatening, sardonic glee. “Making joyful noises unto the Lord random destruction is another. I hope never again again, eh Eddie ?” O’Malley queried, but not with- to use my knowledge so as to harm those that are out a trace of humor. I could only return his know- not a direct and dire threat to my life and liber- ing smile, shrug, and amble off, after asking if he !Y* 3 was O.K. He was. He laughed. I shambled up behind a mobile TV. truck, where EDUARDO TELLERINI a live broadcast was taking place. A pearly-toothed, perma-curled blond was describing the chaos abound- ing. Officer Maccini was standing among a coven of cops on my left, so I slithered under the T.V. truck to my right and listened, prepared for the worst. CALL BOOMO-ROOTER;OR, It did not come. With the relief that can only PLUMBING WITH GUNPOWDER be imagined as that of a last-second death-row re- prieve or the accomplishment of the most urgent Ancient Chinese chronicles are confusing to schol- urination of one’s life, I learned that apparently no- ars, and it is impossible to assign a certain date to body had been hurt. Beneath WCUB-TV’s truck, it, but it is well understood that gunpowder has I wept with relief to think that we’d killed no one. been made and used in the Orient since very

5 . remote antiquity. By the middle of the thirteenth the bombardment of Port Arthur, hoisting Grego- century, firecrackers and rockets were known in rio roofward and filling the place with smoke. The Western Europe, as confirmed by the writings of circular grating flew toward his pickup truck, crash- Roger Bacon and St. Albertus Magnus. A cannon ing through its windshield, then out the driver’s is illustrated in the so-called Milimete manuscript side window and into the hands of one of the (Christ Church No. 92) dated 1326, and guns are crowd that had assembled to gawk at the specta- recorded to have been used at the battle of CrCcy cle. His ascent interrupted by the rafter that jumped in 1343. Gunpowder was employed for military out above his head, Gregorio fell from his acme blasting by the sixteenth century, while German en- and landed on one knee and one elbow on the gineers originated its use in quarrying and extrac- concrete floor, splitting both joints to the bone. We tive mining circa 1627. never found how he explained his injuries at the It is evident from the history of gunpowder that hospital emergency room. the utmost exertions of human genius have been The standing water level eventually fell out of expended upon the discovery of new applications sight, though whether whatever was clogging the for this useful and valuable invention. Indeed, one drain was actually dislodged was never established might suppose that all its potential had been real- for certain. More likely, the explosion had cracked ized long ago, and the finding of the last new ap- the pipe and allowed the water to seep out into plication occurred well before the memory of any the earth beneath the slab. Gregorio gave up py- man now living. One might suppose that - but rotechny about then, and the rest of us drifted one might suppose wrong. I was witness to such apart. Thus, while I cannot claim that of those of a new application as recently as a sultry summer us who saw this premiere application of gunpow- afternoon in the early 1980’s. der to the art of plumbing, I alone am left to tell My erstwhile companion in pyrotechnic mischief, the tale - probably, I’m the only one who will ad- one Gregorio Buoncalze, possessed a spacious de- mit to it. 3 ‘tached garage in the back yard of his suburban lot in a large Southern city. It was big enough for two GIUSTIZIARE FIAMMANTE cars and then some, though seldom were two cars parked in it, since an empty stall was the usual site of many of our pyrotechnic endeavors. In the center of the concrete slab that was its floor was a gently-inclined area leading to a floor drain. This drain, covered by a coarse circular iron grating, was the recipient of many gallons of wash water from FLAMING CLAYS cleaning the car, as well as (with a nod to the hor- ror of environmentalists out there) the occasional The Game tank of year-old lawnmower gas, or discarded target sports include trap, skeet, and (rel- crankcase-full of oil. The grate, though intended atively new to the United States) sporting clays; to intercept large clods of solid matter, was evi- because American and international rules differ dently not enough to prevent what came about - slightly for both trap and skeet, there are five ba- the drain had become stopped, and water was stand- sic games, as well as numerous informal variations. ing above the grate. Lye and a plumber’s plunger All told there are probably almost as many ways were of no avail. to shoot at a target with a shotgun as there are But Gregorio was not weary in well-doing, and ways to play billiards. Prudence might deter one this did not stop him. Having an acquaintance with from adding to them, but then, prudence was nev- the useful properties of gunpowder, he knew the er one of our strong suits, and besides, all the men- solution to his problem. A waterproof gunpowder tioned sports have one salient limitation: they re- bomb was soon fashioned with several ounces of quire daylight. Daylight for the shooter to see the DuPont’s FFFg, visco fuse, a Dixie cup (it was target - daylight to see that he has broken or printed with little blue Smurfs - remember them?), missed it. the whole being thoroughly wrapped with duct tape. Our new addition to this burgeoning field of Gregorio weighted the device with an old bolt sporting activity eliminates that problem by pro- or two so it would sink to the bottom of the drain. viding targets coated with pyrotechnic composition, He removed the grate, lit the fuse, and dropped which, being ignited, gives a brilliant indication of his depth charge into the gaping abyss. Then he where the target is as it hurtles through the night- replaced the grate, covered it with a piece of car- time sky. These targets are then shot at using sev- pet remnant, and over this a large pine plank. To eral kinds of pyrotechnic ammunition. Those who ballast all this further, he stood atop the plank. have been present at fmbibo Bourbonini’s annual Only a few moments of ominous silence elapsed lake party can attest to the novelty and interest of before a deafening explosion rent the garage like this recent addition to the .

6 The Targets The Ammunition Standard clay pigeons, available at any decent Over the years, many types of pyrotechnic am- hardware or sporting goods store, require only a bit munition have been devised and manufactured, and of simple modification to be converted into “flam- then abandoned. The Germans, with their genius ing clays.” Different brands of standard clay target for toy fireworks, were especially prolific inventors. have slightly different profiles, but all have a com- At present there are only four types available, to mon diameter and height, and all have a flat spot this author’s knowledge. All are 12-bore 2%” stan- on the top of the dome. This flat spot is sur- dard. Though such cartridges have been made in rounded by a small ridge. It is this central area other sizes in the past, it is probably the makers’ that is coated with composition. judgment that the above is the most common va- Snowdon’s titanium sparkler composition (Pv- riety of shotgun, and they make their ammunition to fit. lo-bore, g-bore, and especially 4-bore would ROTECHNICA l IE p. 23) is well suited for the pur- pose. It is as follows: offer more room for pyrotechnic effects. The writ- er recently purchased a 4-bore side-by-side flare Potassium perchlorate 1 lb. pistol from Companion Guistiziare Fiammante. No Titanium, 100-300 mesh 1 lb. ammo came with it; alas and God-damn. Dextrine 6-7 oz. 1) The %X-cracker.” These shells contain a single, “Mm 807’ Water, warmed to 90”-120” Fah. 8-12 oz. size firecracker as their only projectile. Nominally used for wildlife control (bird-scar- This is dampened with water to a suitable con- ing) by farmers, in fact their best market is sistency for making sparklers, but instead of using probably among people who can buy them legal- it for that purpose, the slurry should be poured in- ly for use as fireworks, whereas the report com- to the central area on each pigeon. If desired, stars ponent inside the shell would be illegal if vend- may be stuck in the slurry like cloves in a ham. ed as a firecracker! A strange society we live in The pigeons are then allowed to dry. these days. A spot of priming paste (meal powder/nitrocel- Whilst ammunition of this type has been made lulose lacquer) about the size of a quarter should by European, American, and Japanese firms in be applied to the dried surface of the sparkler com- the past, that currently available is of Chinese position, and in this should be embedded a piece origin. Th e is all-plastic,’ having no of black match or visco fuse. Once the prime is brass at the base or . Despite this avant- dry, the targets are ready for throwing. garde appearance the contents are quite low-tech To throw the targets, an all-metal spring trap, of - black powder propellant and a report insert the type used for informal practice, is best. If there fused with Chinese f&e around which is con- are any plastic parts on the throwing arm, they will solidated a clay plug (just like a “Flashing Thun- quickly be cremated. Using a spring trap a single der” candle insert). operator may easily ,set the target on the throwing arm, light the fuse, and when the composition has 2) The signaZJare/tracer. The cartridges of this type caught, pull the release. familiar to the present writer are of European origin; some have been marked Zink Feuer- The objection to plastic parts on a spring trap werk, others Cheddite. Wherever made, they is, oddly enough, reversed in the event a hand trap have, by contrast to the Chinese shell crackers, is used. Excellent and cheap plastic hand traps are a very old-fashioned external appearance and available for $5.00 and they have the virtue of be- comparatively modern innards. Outwardly, the ing ambidextrous. The metal, spring-loaded, hand shell is a low-brass, paper, roll-crimped load traps are suited only for the right-handed thrower, reminiscent of those in use fifty years ago; the are more expensive, and often shatter the target. initial “R”, “G”, or “W” is stamped on the “over- The cheap plastic traps can simply be thrown away shot wad,” denoting red, green, or white. In- when they get too burnt-up. Usmg a hand trap re- side, one finds a one-piece spun aluminum cup, quires a bit more coordination, and a third party approximately 2” long and %” in outside di- (in addition to the one with the shotgun and the ameter. Into this cup is charged perhaps %” of one with the trap) whose function it is to light a nitrate/magnesium/PVC type color composi- the fuse while the man with the hand trap is in tion over which is a thin layer of prime. The the “wound-up” position, ready to throw. apparent “overshot wad” is actually the closed Needless to say, this activity best takes place with end of the aluminum cup. The propellant pow- the targets may be thrown over water. Missed tar- der is a coarse, macaroni-shaped smokeless pow- gets often fall while still alight, and the neighbor- der that is evidently capable of quick burning ing farmer will probably not be pleased if you burn despite a sloppy fit of the projectile in the bore, down his wheat field. and accordingly poor obturation.

7 . The appearance made by the tracer is not like modest (l-02.) trap load combined with a vis- that of a military tracer in a rifle calibre. Rather, ible pyrotechnic trace. These are used to teach it resembles a large Roman candle star, well- shotgun shooting during the daytime. It is well- propelled to perhaps 70-80 yards. Because of known that an instructor can stand beside the the low pressure generated, a fair amount of the shooter and see the path of the wads - or, with coarse smokeless powder is left unburnt, and a little practice, t15e skot itself - and tell the this, falling out of the bores onto the standing shooter, in the event of a miss, that he was breech, flats, and underlumps of the gun high, low, before, or behind the target. On the may, in time, make it impossible to close a other hand, it is difficult for the shooter him- tightly-fitting action. Simply taking the weapon self, preoccupied with the target itself and the down and brushing out the powder makes ev- handling of the gun, to see any of this. Thus erything right again, but it can be disconcert- the shot-tracer was devised. A small tube charged ing as the writer once found at one of Imbi- with tracer composition is incorporated in the bo’s lake parties! wad column, taking fire from the explosion of On one occasion the writer actually kit the the powder. Bright enough to be seen in day- target with one of these tracers; a rare experi- time, the tracers are a fine display at night, cou- ence, rather like a hole-in-one. Commonly with pled with the potential for actually shattering these, as with the shell-crackers, the best one the flaming clay! can do is see how close to the target it is pos- The Guns sible to shoot. Needless to say, the writer’s strong preference 3) “Dragonj-brea~~“/“Flame-thrower” loads. Often sold would be for a graceful side-by-side of impeccable at elaborate prices to the Soldier of Fortune types balance and fit; practically speaking, almost any during gun shows - along with flechette loads, fixed-breech gun will work with all four types of chain-shot (two .69-cal. balls joined by a piece ammunition. There is virtually no recoil from the of piano wire), etc. - these shells deserve con- shell-crackers and signal flares because of the light sideration for flaming clays, although the writ- projectiles and small amounts of propellant. Self- er must confess never to have tried them. Dis- loading , whether on the recoil or gas-op- section reveals the “shot load” to be little cylin- erated principle, would thus be unsuited for these drical pieces of misch-metal (a semi-pyrophoric types, unless the action were cycled by hand. The cerium alloy used for cigarette-lighter flints). In- Chinese shell-crackers with their all-plastic rims are deed, the shot is just about the same as cigarette- rather fragile and are best used with a broad, gen- lighter flints except for the red lacquer coat tle such as is found in break-action sin- found on the flints. Unlike the two previous gle and double guns; the hook-type extractor/ejec- types of ammunition, “dragon’s-breath” loads are tor of a pump gun might tear right through such loaded at full service pressures and the “shot” a rim. Indeed, the writer has found that sometimes is capable of breaking a target. Some of it ig- the rim will slip over the extractor of a double gun nites immediately as it leaves the bore, whether upon opening, and the empty case must be knocked from friction with the bore walls or because of out via a cleaning rod down the muzzle. its velocity through the air; some of it ignites With “dragon’s-breath” and shot/tracer rounds, upon striking a suitably hard target. I am told chamber pressures are at normal service levels and that a blast directed against a concrete block operation of an auto-loader should be without prob- wall from a suitable distance is a spectacular lems. Nonetheless, with both these and the other display. types, residue is left behind from the pyrotechnic 4) Shot/tracer ammunition. This, in the writer’s opin- combustion as well as from the powder; claims as ion is the best choice among pyrotechnic am- * to its non-corrosive characteristics should be viewed munitions. Once made by major U.S. manufac- with scepticism. Immediate cleaning of the gun is tures such as Winchester and Remington, it was necessary after using all types of pyrotechnic am- discontinued by them years ago for fear of the mo! The writer would be particularly shy of using fire hazard. Now it is available again under the a gas-operated auto-loader with any of them be- name of “Tru-tracer” from Bottom Line Shoot- cause of the extensive cleaning required. Maybe the ing Supplies (P.O. Box 258, Clarkesville, Geor- best advice as to choice of guns is to pick one you gia 30523, catalog number 43392); Cabela’s (812- don’t care too much about or else be prepared to 13th Ave., Sidney, Nebraska 69160, catalog num- clean your gun thorough/y and quickly after shoot- ber HD-21044); Gander Mountain (Box 248, ing. Highway W, Wilmot, Wisconsin 53192, cata- Final thoq$s log number 160-L-10004) - and possibly even Upon broaching the idea of this new sport your local outfitters. The idea is to provide a to fellow I.O.O.J. companions, the writer was

8 astonished at the remarkable resonance the idea had - swilling beer and hoping that someone would with them. Many of us are just as enthusiastic rob the High Times. Greasy had paid off the right about shooting as about pyrotechny, it seems - any- people, so he carried his service .45 at all times. thing that goes bang! - and why not combine the He kept a 12-ga. autoloader in the ticket booth. two? One, a courteous gentleman of Norwegian an- One afternoon, the dumbest group of ghetto apes cestry who makes his home on the Northern plains, ever bred tried to rob the drive-in. No one was told of setting off enormous quantities of Silver there - the money was in the bank. Greasy and Jets and Buzz Bombs from sheets of plywood, while Mean were soaking up beers in the shade of the his friends lined up with shotguns and tried to concession stand. Suddenly, these yard apes crashed knock them out of the sky. The development of their car through the chain-link hurricane fence. the idea that outstripped this writer’s wildest imag- The car broke down, and one of the mooks de- inings, however, may be found in T. Babington scended from it, saw Greasy, and let fly with his Brimstone’s article “The Day the Pigeons Shot .38. Greasy returned fire. Scratch one mook. This Back” (q.v., elsewhere in this issue). We at The woke Mean from his alcoholic stupor. He chugged Case Former would be most interested in other de- around the corner and opened up with his B.A.R. velopments along these lines, and encourage our The mooks never knew what hit them. It is a trib- readers to send ‘em in. Waidmannsheil! 3 ute to Marin,e training that, as drunk as Mean was, he was able to hit a disabled car at ten feet. Some- ERNSTPFANTODT time during the exchange, the mooks managed to snap off a couple of shots. Grease meanwhile got his grease-gun from the ’ snack bar and counterpointed Mean’s fire. Reports say after they emptied a sack of clips into this car (four dead porch apes), Mean then staggered for- MOVIE SPECIAL EFFECTS ward and urinated on the car. The coroner packed off the pieces, and Mean had the wreck towed to ‘T&se three guys were chasing me up a hill with a corner space. It sat there for years, peacefully murder on their minds, and all I had to defend rusting into oblivion. Grease and Mean would get mysef with was dynamite. ” looped and pose for pictures like the Great White -JIMMY STEWART in Fool’s Parade Hunters, feet on the bumper, and guns in hand. Grease took a liking to me and my beer. I spent “You think we used enough dynamite there, Butch?” many a Friday night there, watching bad T. & A. -ROBERT REDFORD in movies, drinking beer, and shooting fireworks. Grease Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid loved fireworks, especially bottle rockets. He fired them singly out of his empty beer bottle, again When most people think of movie special effects, and again; he fired them out of buckets and pails, they think of Star Wars and Harrison Shylift with and every now and then when alcoholic poisoning the Crossettes of Doom. Me, I remember other set in, he would take a mailing tube, fill it with things - the Henrys (Greasy and Mean), and the powder, drop in a whole shit-load of bottle rock- Unearthly Scream. ets on top of it, then lay a train of powder to the Mean Henry and Greasy Henry were father and lip of the tub. After he hoisted this contraption to son. They owned the High Times Drive-In, and his shoulder, he’d chuck his cigar butt into the end. with all the activities going on there, it was aptly The resulting flash fired out bottle rockets en masse, named. Mean Henry, the father, was a million years illuminating whatever target at which he chose to old; factual proof that the undead exist. I never aim. Greasy’s only problem was that this led in- heard him begin a sentence without swearing. He evitably to burns from the dross. He’d hop around, was so cold that if you poured boiling water down cursing and swearing at everyone and everything. his throat, he’d pass ice cubes. Mean Henry was To approach him during one of these rages was the projectionist. In his concrete blockhouse, there tantamount to suicide. Grease would rant and rave. were rifle slits for Mean’s B.A.R. At various times Then he’d pound back half-a-dozen beers and look during the show, Mean would thrust out the bar- all over for someone to hit. Finally, he would find rel and survey the crowd - definitely an attention- the tube and reload, waiting for another such chance getter. for fire it. Greasy Henry was a large, heavy-set guy about A few years later, Grease and a couple of his five feet ten. His father signed him up for the buddies were chugging boilermakers. This led to Marines when he was sixteen. He did one tour in the brilliant idea of firing off a massive bottle-rock- Korea, one in Okinawa as an MP., and two tours et volley. Grease picked up his tube, grabbed a can in Vietnam. Greasy and Mean lived for two things of black powder and emptied the whole thing

9 .

into the tube, then crammed bottle rockets into it, bastards. I’m going to blow the piss out of them. and added more powder. Then another layer of Remember Pearl Harbor! Marines, over the top!” rockets on top of this ! Grease grinned like the - on and on he ranted and foamed at the mouth, Cheshire cat. This would be the world’s greatest as he got less and less lucid. We were afraid not rocket launch. He stepped out into the lot and to go with him. We crept up upon the car, crack- took aim at Kitten Natividad’s naked chest filling ers in hand, ready to surprise the Alts. We manceu- the screen. He screamed, “die, you slope-headed vered into position - and to our surprise, we watched bastards!” and touched it OR, the resultant shot, if as Mrs. Alt kissed her husband, then dropped her not heard round the world, resounded around the head into his lap. Our fevered imaginations were drive-in. Grease was never found - at least not his rampant. We knew what they were doing. head. “Now!” hissed Tim, after we had stood transfixed Mean was never quite the same. A few months for a few minutes of prurient speculation. Zippo’s later, the High Times was sold. Mean emigrated split the night - fuses caught - arms threw - and to Israel to shoot at the “Ay-rabs” with his B.A.R. KABLAM! Wiley Coyote couldn’t have done it bet- No crosses anywhere over there, so he would prob- ter. A brilliant white flash! Then, a sound that I’ll ably live forever. Every time I read about a new remember forever - the most hideous unearthly hot spot, I look closely at the papers for a picture scream, bellowing banshee-like over the sounds of of a cadaverous vampire with a B.A.R. “Good e- the drive-in. On and on it went. Tim and I did ven-ing. Ah! The guns of the night. Such music the perfect Three Stooges double-take. Oh, did we they play.” split! Remember John Belushi & Company outside Every Friday night thereafter for about three years, of the Dean’s office in Animal House? That’s how Tim, the world’s crudest human being, would call we moved! Back to the car, fired it up, and we me. The conversation included where we could score ran like hell. some beer and other potables, or any other mind- Weeks later a very shaken Mr. Alt was released expanders. Then he’d mention the Hillside Drive- from Miller Hospital after extensive reconstructive In and its porno movies. I’d ask if he’d gotten any surgery. Now, we don’t know exactly what hap- women to come along, or were we just going to pened, but our juvenile imaginations worked over- drink and drink. T’ im could find the sleaziest babes time on this one. Let me just say that Tooth Fairy you ever met. We’d pile into his station wagon and jokes abounded. cruise to Wisconsin. Q_uick stop for pizza and beer, The movies are great medicine. I know this ar- and then the naked people. These were really bad ticle isn’t a rant against political correctness, or the films, folks, and when they got exceptionally bad, PG.double I.Qless, but the CaseFormer just doesn’t Tim, I, and the other animals would spray each come out often enough for such to be published other with beer, shoot fireworks, and chuck M-80s. in timely fashion. So, maybe the PC. crowd has Tim bought grocery bags full of them from the won after all. I just don’t know anymore. We work Wisconsin bootleggers. This was an adventure in all the time and still can’t find a Lust-Bombe. I itself. Then, we’d park in the back row and party guess I’ll just go see a movie. -3 down. Tim had staggered off to the flooded john. When PAOLO DA GIRO ’ he came back, he was aglow with excitement. “Come with me,” he encouraged. We went down a row of cars, and there sat a brown Chevy Calais with dealer plates. Immediately, I recognised it as our neighbor Mr. Ah. “Who’s he with?” I asked. By BBQCHICKEN - I.O.O.J. STYLE the dim light of the screen, I could make out the bottle-blonde coiffure of his well-endowed sexy wife. Ingredients: They were sitting close together, smooching and - Used grease barrel - cut in half carrying on like a couple of teenagers. For some - Large bonfire (old tires make best fuel) reason, this thoroughly pissed off old Tim. As we - Large caliber pistol (.4.5is preferred, but 9mm slunk back to our car, Tim kept muttering about will also do) “those old farts,” and how they should be at home, - 2 bags of charcoal and not messing around, ruining his appreciation - a gallon of gasoline (lighter fluid can be sub- of what (had we then known about JFK and Mar- stituted, but gas is preferred) ilyn) might well have been called the Kennedy Cen- - 10,000 candlepower road flare ter for the Performing Arts. - two steel grill racks (square ones work best) When we arrived at the car, Tim’s anger had - Asst. pieces cut chicken boiled over. He grabbed the sack of M-80s, and - BBQsauce (home brewed is preferred, but started passing them out. “I’m going to attack those store bought will suffice)

IO Start by cutting the grease barrel in half. As most Single Break Fuselighter Shell places do not clean their grease barrels before throw- Take a six-inch plastic ball shell case; fill with ing them away, there will be grease left in it. This two-inch pieces of visco that have their ends primed. can be easily remedied by putting the barrels on Use FFA for a burst charge, and lift and leader as top of the bonfire to burn the grease off. After the usual. Any competent pyrotechnist can make these grease has burnt clean off, remove the barrels and for you. allow them to cool (open end up). As every fire- Sing/e Break Chitterhg (“Chit ‘hn”) Shell works man knows, there are two things a fire needs to burn: fuel and air. Since grease barrels are in- Take a box of frozen chitterlings, break out the tended to keep grease in, there are no holes that center six or so in order to admit a flashbag. Use permit air to feed the fire. This creates a large a dry wrap; lift and leader. Keep this shell on dry ice until ready to fire. problem that can easily be fixed with your .45 (or 9mm). The holes should be evenly spaced around Now, you may ask yourself, “Just what in Hell the bottom of the barrel to allow even air flow. A is Milan0 driving at ?” Well, I’m going to tell you. good sized barrel will need ten to fourteen holes. Wait and see what kind of fallout is going to be Next, dump charcoal into the barrel until you have generated from these two little shells - every fuse- a good sized pile. Douse with plenty of gasoline, lighting FUN,DAMENTalist is going to feel picked- stand back, and throw lit road flare in to get the on. Many of them will get faxes, calls, or letters coals going. Now it is time to wait awhile and let from concerned friends saying “Look what was writ- the coals burn until all of the coals have turned ten about you, you should be mad!” Sadly, what white and there is a good source of heat coming needs to be said is “How in Hell, and by whomev- off the grill. When the coals are done, put steel er in Hell, did this type of jerk get let into our grate onto the top of the barrel and get the chick- midst anyway?” en. Cook the chicken to your preference, adding I suppose we will again hear about how we are BBQ sauce during the last five minutes of cook- “racist,” for the chitterling shell. I don’t mean to ing. Sit back, grab a beer and some potato salad be racist. I only want to show what should hap- and enjoy. ^t pen to our FUNDAMENTalist friends. Being caught in a shower of a**holes is what the rest of us put ANTONIO GIANSLAVI up with, so I suppose it won’t hurt them. To summarize: We have too many FUNDAMENT- alists in pyrotechny, and in the P.G.I.I., and too many people pay attention to them. Not enou h is being done to get rid of this human debris. 5 THE MALEVOLENT ARTIFICER Fraternally, MXLANO Sweetheart, baby, would I lie to you? -MILANO GIANSLAVI

Hello again, everybody. In this issue of The Case Former, Milan0 is going to pick on a few people. IN FARGO (?) This may seem mean-spirited, but truthful words A DEATH aren’t always beautiful. Was helfn Fackeln, Lichter oder Brih, A new class of pyrojerks has come to my atten- Warm die Leute nicht sehen w&Yen? tion. You may have run across them before; how- ever, because you are not divinely inspired like Mi- -HEINRICH KHUNRATH lano, you could not properly name them. The name If God had not intended them to be sheared, I have chosen for them is “FUNDAhJENTalists” (sic). he would not have made them sheep. The work must be written with “FUNDAMENT” in capital letters, and “alists” in lower-case. A short -CHARLATAN WHEEZE trip to Webster> may be helpful to some. The basic FUNDAMENTalist is the fuselighter, typ- Fellow pyrotechnists, I call out to you. Don your ically a dipshit who rises to the top solely because sack-cloth, grab your ashes. Burn the incense and of an ability to float.* Well, Mister Fuselighter, here chant the dirge in lament. Bring out your dead! is your shell. Bring out your dead! (That’s from Monty Python, folks, a comedy troupe; not the Mountebank, who is funny only unintentionally). *ED. NOTE: As the continuing existenceof Congressdemon- The Fargo convention of the P.G.I.I. may well strates; “turds of a feather, joat together.” have sounded the death knell of true amateur

II .

pyrotechny in the U.S. It seems there are those inch tremalon, and a five-break six-inch charcoal who no longer want to see the unique, the best, crossette - we all know who made them, and they the hand-made, the original. As the convention be- performed flawlessly. Need I say more. comes more commercialized, what some want is I saw something great in a ball shell. The mak- five nights of Public Display/Product Demonstra- er called it a peanut shell, I knew it of old as a tions. This pernicious trend has, like the camel with oiled shell. T&o twelve-inch snheres desiened to its nose under the tent, great potential for future break at the same time - all i can say ii WOW! distress. What I refer to is the injection of mon- Then there was a “Hum and Planets.” Now, I knew etary awards into the competitions. I’m not talk- who built it, but somehow it was annouced as ing about the Bill and Sue Hoyt award, which is someone else’s. How can this happen? I don’t know. modest enough and comes from members’ volun- Old friends returned and we had a chance to tary contributions. I’m talking about the notion of sneak of many things. Too bad and too sad that commercial sponsorship for competition. Some sug- ii soon ended: Hat& to meet. sorrv to Dart. and 11, , I gested (or rumored) amounts of prize money are (devoutly I hope) happy to meet agiin! To a true such as to suborn the Guild, or individual com- Southern Gentleman: Glad you could make it! We petitors, making the Guild beholden to one big were all nleased that vou could be there. We have contributor instead of to its members, while alter- missed you in years ‘gone by. Come back some ing the attitude in competition from one of striv- time, and we’ll buy you dinner. Remember, the ing for excellence for its own sake towards one of Lake awaits. a “run for the money.” Once the big bucks are on So, old friends, let’s talk about the Offissary. First, the table, where will the sharing of information I recommend that the Offissary buy the following: and camaraderie among firework-makers, which has Miss Manners’ Guide to Etiquette, Betty Cracker’s been so characteristic in the past, go? Expect to Boys’ and Girls’ How to Give a Party, and a tape of see it go straight down the drain, replaced by a the musical, “Little Shop of Horrors.” close-mouthed rivalry that might become bitter and Why, you ask? unscrupulous. We have heard laughing allusions in As to -the first-mentioned: to learn how to write the past to the possibility of competitors pasting a a proper th ank-you note. layer of paper over a Japanese import and passing As to all three: I’ll answer this with a riddle. it off as their own. This could become a reality - Someone asked our host at the I.O.O.J. Blast - if it hasn’t already. what is the major difference between an I.O.O.J. Safety-fakery continues to rear its ugly head. It party and the PG.I.1. convention? His response - even prevented a donation to Friday’s public dis- we don’t run out of food at an I. 0.O.J. afair. There, play from being accepted, though the proffered item you don’t go away hungry. was first-quality material from a true fireworks man. The Afterglow Parties at the PG.I.1. convention We of the I.O.O.J. were more than pleased to fire suck. There are the final insult and indignity on it at the late-night special manifestation for the in- the part of an uncaring, unconcerned, pikerish, over- duction of its creator, in the wee hours after the bearing PG.I.1. offissarv. Whv do we spend good Friday P.G.I.I. event. Note to the Cody Flash: we’re money on elastic binders and ug.lv tee-ihirts?” In- happy to shoot and appreciate your work, even if stead,’ imagine us as the big Grge’n Monster from the Guild’s Barney Fife clones don’t want it. Outer Space in “Little Shop of Horrors.” “Feed Every year the convention gains a nickname. That me” we chant - “feed me.” One nlate of congealed of ‘93 will live in infamy as the Year of the cold cuts on a bed of wilted let&ice is not iroper Mosquito. Now, I’ve experienced mosquitoes before, food. Spend money on what matters, not on- junk! but I’ve never been attacked in formation like I Remember, what matters, what counts, is making was in Fargo. I pulled out my shotgun and set up convention-goers happy. Wake up and smell the some ack-ack fire to knock some of them down, missing coffee. “Feed me - feed me.” Enough - I but three boxes of shells later, I gave in. The vam- could go for hours on the two-faced, double-speak- piric little bastards can suck my blood - they’re no ing, mealy-mouthed offissary. worse than the brain-numbing P.G.I.I. offissary. Rather than wallow in their mire, I would speak It might sound from these comments as if I did about the finest thing to happen at any conven- not have a good time in Fargo. Well, I did. We tion - meeting genuine fireworks men. I met three had some good fireworks; second, I met some new of them this year. Sadly, fireworks people properly fireworks men; third, I saw some old friends (al- understood are dying out. There are probably only ways a good thing), the public display was good, about a hundred or so left in the United States. and then there was the Party (see our “Proceed- Now, I’m not talking about people who simply love ings,” elsewhere in this issue). fireworks. These are more numerous, are friends, Fireworks-wise, I saw four truly memorable shells; and help us out. I certainly don’t mean “pyros” - two in competition, and two in the public display. this term has acquired a connotation like “Trekkies” The public display had fantastic crossettes. An eight- or “Techno-Weenies.” I mean the sort of person who has a craftsman’s technical command Of PY- be steered back towards benefit to its members and rotechny, and perhaps an artist’s vision. the state of pyrotechnic knowledge, and away from Let me introduce you to three new fireworks peo- commercialization and self-aggrandizement. ^d ple in my acquaintance. First is the Cody Flash. I was standing discussing the nature of God and His PAOLO DA GIRO retribution against scoundrels. I was just about to talk about the scourging of plagiarists and charla- tans, when this pleasant fellow asked about a method of building mines I had demonstrated. We talked about it, and he questioned me on another point. I told him if he walked with me, we could dis- ALLOCUTION OF THE RT. VEN. cuss this, but a fellow gun collector was going to BIANCO GASOLINI, P:.G:.C:., show me some guns he had brought. When one AND PROCEEDINGS OF THE GRAND of the shotguns was pulled from the trunk, the MANIFESTATION OF THE SOCIETY Flash recognized and discoursed on its features and the inventions of James Purdey. I was impressed; Es siegte die Stiirke, anyone who likes old shotguns can’t be half bad. und krlinet zum Lobn My conversations impressed me with his knowl- die Scb6nbeit und Weisheit edge and common sense. Friday night, after the Mit ewiger I&on’! P.G.I.I. display was long done, during the Induc- -E. SCHICKANEDER tion, I saw his work. This impressed me even more! A proper - let us say, magister&zZ - tourbillion. Why Another year has passed, another convention has don’t other people make these? Because they can’t! come and gone, and the I.O.O.J. is still alive and Thanks, Cody! kicking. Messrs. Witless, Wheeze, and Mendacio With some embarrassment I confess I can’t re- can look forward to a bigger, better Case Former member the second person’s name*. Since he makes with this issue and many more to follow. Despite ball shells (which some pyro-traditionalists think their wishful thinking, they are far far from hear- un-mentionable), let’s call him the Man with No ing the last of us. Name (hey, I like westerns). I’ve seen his work, Fargo was, all in all, not a bad convention with and it’s very impressive. I guess maybe ball shells only a couple of truly revoltin’ developments. The do exist. Sorry - God, but it was beautiful work. first of these was the election to the First Vice So, No Name, wear your distinction with pride. Presidency of a man who mistakenly thinks that You do good work. See you at the Lake. the summer flooding in his home state extended The last “fireworks man” I met was in fact a to the entire midwest, and selected his convention beautiful woman. She spoke of the great shells she apparel accordingly.* I do own a pair of penny had seen, then she told me she was learning to loafers and I was fond of wearing them until I build fireworks as she was involved with No Name. bore witness to such a spectacle. At least for now, I told you to build the best shells she could - I said shoes reside at the back of my closet and will wanted to know what she would specialize in. She remain there. didn’t know. She told me that she loved crossettes, We also experienced the pain of politicization of and as a matter of fact, dreams of a friend’s mul- the races for PGI office. Tee-shirts? Posters? We tiple-break crossette when she wants to feel good. only wish that the qualities thereon attributed to Pretty Lady, what you should do is follow your dreams - built crossettes. A wise man once told *ED. NOTE.: Companion Giustiziare Fiammante and sev- me always to follow your dreams. I’ve chased mine eral others conducted a pool on which day of the Conven- for years. S o, go the the shop and start on your tion the Mountebank would show up with the most badges crossettes - hope to see your shells soon. and patches. Although Companion Girolamo the younger won, Last but not least I’d like to thank our conven- this aspect of tbe Mountebank’s get-up was more subdued tion host, our brother Cam. Cam, you run a hell this year than in the past. On the other band, his fetching of a show. Hope you can host again some time ensemble of mid-calf length trousers, white socks, and pen- (but maybe you’re not such a glutton for punish- ny-loafers drew much appalled scrutiny. Some contend, as ment). Your unselfish conduct set a proper exam- Rt. Yen. Comp. Gasolini does, that the high-water pants ple in the contrast to those who would exploit (or were in recognition of Iowa’sJooding. Other Iowans in at- have exploited in the past) these events for clan- tendance were, however, normally dressed, and this gives destine gain. Let’s hope there’s still life in the old- strong credibility to the theory of Comp. da Giro that in fashioned P.G.I. ideals, and the organization can facttheM oun tbe an k’ s attire was patterned after the tore- ador pants fashionable among women in the ‘sixties. We *ED. NOTE: Paolo may not, but we know it, and will see leave the jnaZ decision in this vexed question, as ever, to be gets his issue - Case Former mailroom sta$ the peerless judgment of our learned readers. I3 W. R. WITHROW, 1940 - 1993

Hor de luci si belle con fulgori soave trattan del Ciel le chiave e trionfan le Stelle non san coi lampi Zor pugnar g/i abissi the soggetti non son g/i Astri agl’eclissi. -ALESSANDRO STRADELLA

Though our Order, and this publication, exist pri- marily to share good friendship, good fireworks, and good humor - preferably for a long time to come - there must be times of somber reflection, and this is such a time. One of our great fireworks men is no longer among us. W.R. (Bill) Withrow died on October 16, 1993. Of to an early start - Our Order3 most junior member. He collapsed on the way to the hospital with an acute pneumonia, never regaining consciousness. He Mountebank Witless really were present in his char- suffered heart failure; his heart was started, and acter. Oh well, the past year’s elections, including again failed. those last November, have been a large disap- Born on July 24, 1940, Bill was an enthusiastic pointment. pyrotechnist from youth. He was also an electron- 1993 also brought something called the Public ics expert and ham radio operator; via the airwaves Display Inspection Team. Composed of two peck- he met another ham, Max P Vander Horck, and erheads who for all appearances don’t know did- found that apart from an interest in radio, he shared dly-squat about fireworks, this team purportedly was with Van the same birthday and also a passion for set up to “make PGI Public Displays safer.” How fireworks. Bill became an associate editor of Py- riding around in a golf cart yelling at people who renews (1966-67) and later American Pyrotechnist have been in the display business for years while (1968-70). By virtue of his association with Van’s ignoring obvious real safety concerns will lead to publication he was de facto a co-founder of the Py- this, I haven’t the foggiest. As far as I’m concerned, rotechnics Guild International, and later its vice- those who are not capable of safely conducting a president (1975-76). H e served as an editor of Py- public display should not be* asked to participate. rotechzica for ten years (1983-93). This is all part of the egalitarian scheme to en- Bill was a consultant and lead pyrotechnist for courage “participation” by idiots and assholes, as Atlas Enterprises. Fireworks photographer extraor- well as craftsmen and real fireworks men. dinaire, display operator, shell-maker, choreographer, The events in Fargo were followed by a won- long-time friend of Ron Lancaster, Jimmy Grucci, derful party on Saturday night, complete with tire “Firecracker Bill” Engelke, Max Vander Horck, and fire (to prepare the grease barrels for conversion in- many others, he was a walking encyclopzdia of to barbecues), an air show (provided by a crop fireworks lore. duster, thoughtfully engaged by our host to blan- Although his health was delicate in latter years, ket the site in mosquito-killer and assure us an in- Bill bore his suffering with stoicism; even as when sect-free evening), and high explosives. The pres- he was prescribed oxygen for his emphysema, with ence of ample and excellent food, the absence of self-mocking humor, he allowed himself to be pho- blood-sucking bugs, and the happy abandon with tographed with the oxygen bottle and a ridiculous which those present shot numerous fireworks (all sign. Perhaps because of this, few of his friends without untoward incident) thus distinguished our knew the seriousness of his condition. Grand Manifestation from the preceding PGI Con- Two funeral services were held, one on October vention. 19 at Fayetteville, Arkansas, and another on Oc- Many new companions were inducted, and I had tober 21 at Logansport, Indiana, Bill’s home town. the honor of passing the reins of the I.O.O.J. to In characteristic fashion, Bill always said he want- the Right Venerable Eduardo Tellerini, who was ed a Dixieland jazz band and a fireworks display installed in due and ancient form. I wish him the at his funeral, but this was not possible. His wife, best, and can assure one and all that our Order Karen Lamsens Withrow, suggested as an alterna- could not be in more capable hands. Keep those tive that Bill’s friends remember him by shooting Case Former articles coming, folks, as all are a jo a shell and in lieu of flowers, which Bill always to read. May Vulcan smile down upon us all! 4 thought a “waste” at funerals, a donation to a heart or lung charity was requested. BIANCO GASOLINI Lux &erna heat ei, Domine. I4 1 b I Ir Important dkwouncements from llIr\ b / \ -I II II - - / I IJ CHARLATAN WHEEZE ENTERPRISES, INC.-

Publications Department We regret to announce that the Journal of Pyrotechnic Farts and Sausages will not be published until the Greek Kalends, or Hell freezes over, whichever comes later. This project has been tak- - en over by the Canadian Authority for Testing Selected Highly Improbable Technologies, un- der the able direction of Prof. Traditore Detestabile, Ph.D., of Montreal. The new publication will be entitled Revue d’escroquerie et f~iponnerie pyroboZigue and will carry articles from interna- tional contributors. Lead article in the upcoming issue: “Arschleckerei und Feuerwerkerei: Weg- weisern nach einem Karriere” by the noted expert witness Dr. Blasius Rauchmantl. Real Estate Department Our new venture in the real estate development field is off to a promising start, with many new and highly desirable properties listed. For example, we have a very nice bridge available in an eastern metropolitan location (quit-claim deed only on this one). Also there is some fine off- shore Florida vacation property. Watch coming announcements for further details on our

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BLASIUS RAUCHMANTL, PH.D., is pleased to announce the opening of his practice in general py- rotechnic consulting and expert witness services. Dr. Rauchmantl’s undergraduate work was done at St. Hoprig’s College in the University of Poictesme, with a year of exchange study under the noted Prof. Asmodeo Be151 at the University of Salamanca, a revered member of the Faculty there. Rauchmantl’s post-graduate studies in the Department of In- consequential Studies at the Academy of Lagado led to First-Class Honours. His dissertation topic was “Selected Problems in the Extraction of Sunbeams from Cucumbers.” He also researched the breed- ing of naked sheep, and the softening of marble for the manufacture of pincushions. Following his attainment of the Doctoral degree, Rauchmantl worked for seven years under the leg- endary tutelage of Prof. Traditore Detestabile at the Canadian Authority for Testing Selected Highly Improbable Technologies. There, his incisive intellect permitted him to become thoroughly expert in pyrotechny without even once having to mix a composition or make a shell. Dr. Rauchmantl now places his unrivalled talents at the disposition of shysters and litigants everywhere. Says Dr. Jeroboam Crankling, Executive Director of the American Association of Oriental Junk Tm- porters and Regius Professor of Incompetent Arrogance at Benedict Arnold University, Blustertown, Maryland: “Rauchmantl outshines the ancient alchemists - he transmutes pain and distress into gold.“*

*ED. NOTE.: Mainly for himselJ: Notice of Copyright and Grant of Permission to Use and Reproduce The Case Former

The Case Former is copyrighted under the copyright laws of the United States including, but not limited to the Digital Millenium Copyright Act.

Copyright 1992 -- 2004 by The International Order of Old John

The authors and publisher grant permission to reproduce complete issues of The Case Former, in their entirety only, without modification, either electronically or in print, for personal, non-commercial, not-for-profit use only.

This grant of permission does not extend to any governmental entity, or agent thereof.

Uses not specifically allowed in this grant of permission are forbidden.

The original compilation of The Case Former is produced July 2004 in co-operation with The International Order of Old John ( I. O. O. J. ) The Society For the Defense of Tradition in Pyrotechny.