Baseball by Matt Curplew 2A Hiking by Haden Guest 3A Sunbathing by Stephen Lynne-Bachelor Bocci Ball by Charles Gomer Scott 5A Frisbee by Gutch Nice 6A Lawn Darts by Alfonso Kelly 2A Wednesday, May 1,1991 Daily Nexus

Hey! Baseball Fever! A Nice Those were heady days By Matt Curplew______alright, when Dale Murphy Baseball Poem was Most Valuable Player If spring means anything and the name Bob Homer atall— and I think it does— struck fear in the hearts of it means expressing a blind major league pitchers. In a park a man is sleeping. faith that your baseball team When the words America’s is going to win the World Team carried no irony. He is buoyed by the springy grass. Series. If you are any kind of But those days are, for the baseball fan at all, you hope most part, long forgotten. But when he wakes, — no, expect — that your Now, there is no escape team is going to win every for fans o f the Braves, who His back will itch. damn game of the season, have not had a winning sea­ and you will bet your life on son since 1982. Friends (I hate that.) it. scoff at you and talk about Which is fine and honor­ their longtime support for able, unless you’re like me. the Cincinnati Reds, who For I am a true blue fan of just happened to win the the Atlanta Braves, the lo- World Series last year. singest team in baseball for Newspapers have habitu­ the last five years. ally called them “hapless.” I entered this lamentable And nearly every torturous The man is snoring softly now condition shortly after I game o f the season is broad­ moved to Georgia in 1981. cast nationally on WTBS, As we start playing whiffle ball. The Braves were electric. which is owned by the same They won their first 13 man that owns the Braves, He is lying just beyond second games of the season, a re­ Ted Turner. Often, the an­ Many enjoy baseball for the team spirit, as noted by cord streak. Then they went nouncers have spoken o f a UCSB’s own Gauchos. base, on to win their division. “rebuilding year” less than a And I was right there with week into a new season. loved Dodgers beat up the Gets lots of hits every year, A center ftelder of sorts. them, glued to the televi­ courageous Braves once steals bases, drinks milk. sion, clinging to every last My own family likes to get again. But I know him, now1 and word uttered by Skip Carey, into the act too, letting me Sometimes Braves fans’ forever, as a former Brave. the intrepid Braves know full well what the only recourse is to boast ab­ Yep, he played for Atlanta. announcer. score was when their be­ out the success enjoyed by You don’t remember? former Braves who are still Whoa! active in the major leagues. As did Pascual Perez, the For instance, you probably passport-plagued New The bat goes whiff! A sw ing and a know Brett Butler as the York Yankees pitcher who JAVAN'S God-fearing, nimble-footed previously played for Mon­ miss, Dodger center fielder. Or treal. And Dale Murphy, the GREAT SANDWICHES you knew him last year as sluggish-swinging Philadel­ Whiff again! A wicked curve, the San Francisco Giants’ phia Phillie. And even slow- GOURMET HAMBURGERS God-fearing, nimble-footed pitch big leaguers Bob Walk SMACK! A line drive that FRESH CHICKEN & SALADS center fielder. Before that, and Rick Mahler, quite pos­ you surely knew him when sibly the ugliest man in base­ Hits the center fielder 938 Embarcadero del Norte I.V. he played for the Cleveland ball. Once in a while I’ll Indians as, yes, a God­ even acknowledge that De­ In the small of the back. 968-2180 footed, nimble-fearing cen­ rek Lilliquist once played ter fielder. A good one, too. ■■■■■■a for the Braves. They are all players I love, support and who I know to be Braves at heart, one and all. He wakes with a start. This is the fate I’m con­ signed to. Following the “Oof,” he says. hapless Braves wherever they are traded, where they “My back itches.” characteristically bloom into productive players. — by Matt Curplew Until now. This year is going to be different. Mark my words, they’re going all me way.

921 STATE ST • 966-3828 Baseball is also a good astringent. Daly'Nexus Wednesday, May 1,1991 3A I Like Hike: Let’s Go!

By Haden Guest

I’m a big advocate of overdevelopment. Pave pa­ radise, put up a parking lot, that’s what I’ve always said. My biggest interaction with the Great Outdoors is going out to the front yard to get the paper in the morning. A friend has a name for the tendency to pull off the superhighway, step out of your airconditioned car and urinate on the fence post borders of the rest area, thinking “Ah, outdoors!” He calls it “rest-stop nature.” But even I, Haden Guest, man-about-town and bon- vivant, have made a pledge to get out more often, to commune with nature, and if that makes me a commun­ ist, well, so be it. The catalyst for my new­ found Grizzly Adams-ness was a recent trip. This weekend I had the good for­ tune to visit a friend at his Go hiking and look at the flowers. pad in Malibu, and while it’s always good to check out cal socket or protective please. the canyon does not lie a the permanent-address digs wrapper; I thought doing so One place I’ve thought mini-market or mall, but of your college chums, there made one more civilized. about going back to is the just a gurgling creek and a was an unexpected benefit I’ve never gone much for Cuyama Valley. Way, way good friend’s dog. to the trip. the Patagonia-wearing up Highway 33, where the A couple of years ago, I You see, off behind his thing because it seemed like condors feel at home. I used was walking with my best house lay Trancas Canyon, such a waste of time. Hike to go up there every once in friend on. the faculty club which was green and bright up a mountain? What, are a while, to find a place lawn at about three in the — like a detergent commer­ you kidding? I’ll drive up to where I could holler at the morning, when I heard die 1 99 1 cial. A cool creek ran over the top and have a couple of top of my lungs without ocean. I remarked that it SEVENTH ANNUAL mossy rocks and gurgled beers while I wait for you. worrying about the neigh­ sounded like the freeway, contentedly. My pal’s dog Camping? Isn’t that what bors or the Foot Patrol. I ha­ and she said I had too much Saturday, M ay 11, 1991 leapt into a still pond, scar­ they do at Rocky Horror ven’t done this for some civilization. I thought about Sign up in the Intramural Office ing off the water bugs who showings? time because now, of that as I listened to the creek Sponsored by: Santa Barbara Sand & Topsoil, rested on its surface. But the glow of my com­ course, if I get the urge to wind out toward the multi­ I was out in nature! I felt puter screen must be affect­ holler, I’ll set up an amp in million dollar beachfront Y-97 Radio. Pacific Beverage Company, Tri Valley Trophies. ljke Walt Whitman or some­ ing me more and more. I Yoko Ono Park, and call it pads on Malibu Beach. SAA, STAR, IM and GRAPE thing, marveling at every catch myself longing for “ performance art.” stone, every patch of wild- non-florescent light; for There’s something reas­ flowers, every oak tree leav­ fresh air, not conditioned suring about the idea that ing shade. For the longest air; and for the ability to our cities have ends, that time, I disdained everything romp through a meadow even exurbia has its limits. that didn’t need an electri* now and then if I damn well Around that next bend of Measure the Diet Center' Difference U M K U M H ll BODYCOMPOSITION Another Fine Baseball Poem ANALYSIS Danny played shortstop, And it wasn’t ’cause his dad was coach. I’m not just bein’ nice ’cause he’s dead, either. He really was good. We all said so. Especially me and Jimmy, who used to play outfield and Had a really good perspective from way out there When he wasn’t picking all the dandelions before they bloomed, Which he liked almost as much the dead ones Because you can make a wish when you blow on them. Danny had really thin, wispy hair, kind of like a dead dandelion, But it always stayed on his head. Even when he slid into first base. I played catcher, which I liked because of the mask And all the pads. Suzanne M organ took o ff 18 pounds and 2 4 Sometimes, when we were warming up before each inning, inches in8weeks. And Danny and me would just throw the ball back and forth She’s (cent it ill While all the other kids kicked the dirt and yelled “N o tea parties!” We would wink at each other and laugh a little. But what I liked most about when Danny played shortstop Was when the ball came straight at him after the big guy On the other team Hit it harder than any of us could And Danny just grabbed it, even if it was off a bad hop, And threw it to Gerald at first base, Because then we all smiled at each other while the big kid Walked back to the dugout. And then we looked over at Danny, Who just looked into his glove, which his dad used to use, And maybe socked it with his fist a couple of times, but We knew he was happy about it. One time Danny told me that he wished Jimmy FREE PRIVATE Wouldn’t pick all the dandelions before they bloomed. That’s probably why I liked him best, CONSULTATION Even though I never toid Jimmy about it, No obligation ’Cause he wouldn’t understand, And maybe he was a little jealous of how Danny always caught the balls that came to him, But didn’t seem to mind that his dad only nodded but never smiled, Even when he made the best catches. Center SPRING QUARTER ^ uwoht-loss professionals* SPECIALS NOW By Bunyan Tom o f Goleta IN EFFECT M aking A Real D ifference For 2 0 Years Weight k>— 9c tp > «d o i lo— w ill way with ln4l»UhMj 4A Wednesday, May 1,1991 Daily Nexus Fun in the Sun with Your Skin!

By Stephen Lynne* Bachelor

When my grandmother was growing up in the 1880s or the 1930s or whenever she was growing up, it was cool to be tan. To be tan was really “the cat’s pajamas.” And I'll tell you what, my grandmother could really make the scene. She was tan. Back then, people didn’t have much to do. They just sat around all day in the sun singing “Ain’t We Got Fun?” until the stars came out, and then they would all go down to the speakeasy to show off their tans and their funny hats. They had time to work on their tans. My Grandma was really tan. If someone had called her a “tan woman,” it would have been an accurate descrip­ tion. She looked like a medium-well steak. She only wore white dresses so she would look even more tan, like the well-seasoned and charred meat patties that my grandfather enjoyed so much. Grandpa’s tan wasn’t so good. This was due, but only Baby-soft skin deserves a little show and tell. in part, to the amount of time he spent indoors eating include the amount of time well as the time he spent try­ mess of melanoma madness sunblock lotion out there holy “Out Of Order” sign on well-seasoned and charred he spent outside at picnics ing to convince my grand­ that breaks into huge, that, odds are, someone, the ozone layer, you can’t be meat patties. But when you and beach barbecues, as mother to go inside and tissue-ripping shreds with somewhere is smoothing a too careful. It is time to real­ cook him a number of said little notice, like when she fair amount of it on right ize that if we don’t care for meat patties, he was not en­ slightly bumps into blunt now. Serious. our skin, we won’t have it tirely colorless. But in those objects. Her doctor will not Gone are the days when anymore. They’ll have to in­ days, the 1890s or the 1920s allow her to go out in the the hedonistic melanin vent fake skin. There’ll be orwhenever it was, men had sun. buffs would lather up in a forms to fill out. They’ll to wear those crazy striped Uncle Cliff has had a big vat of greasy, greasy, hey, make you list. “ Next of bathing suits that, covered number of operations and hey, greasy sun tan oil and Skin.” Skin flicks will take the then-taboo chest, torso grafts and other bad skin- baste themselves all day, on new meaning. You, won’t and knee regions. oriented, doctor-supervised smoothing more and more ask somebody to give you Uncle Cliff, on the other procedures on his forearms. o f the viscous oil over their the skinny on something be­ hand, had a mean, mean Still, sunbathing is, unde­ tanned buttocks and cause they just might. tan. He was a truck driver, niably, fun. You have but to breasts. Gone are the days When somebody says, “It’s though, so his savage tan look around on any sunny when they would get one of no skin off my nose!” they’ll J u s t S u r f was restricted to his left day to find laige sums of fun those silvery cardboard re­ mean it! forearm. He dreamed about people sitting, slouching, flector deals and lay on the So take care of your skin. going to England and driv­ standing, lounging, hunker­ are the days of the chic St. Sure, go out in the sun, but ing around all day just to in­ ing and just plain laying out Tropez tan. be careful! And remember, • Stiissy dulge his right forearm for in the sun. And these days, Sunblock is the thing beauty is only skin deep. awhile, but he later became they’re being safer. now. It comes in different • Quicksilver a mailman and his problem They’ve got so many dif- levels of protection and dif­ Oh, and Grandpa? Well, • Hotline Wetsuits was solved. ground looking like sad ferent colors, flavors, scents he still eats a lot of well- • Surfboards by Randy Cone But things change. Peo­ dogs with ear infections and prices. Some are rela­ seasoned and charred meat ple change. who have to wear big plastic tively cheap, compared to patties. It’s just that now he Grandma is retired now, cones on their heads. Gone the more expensive ones. washes them . down with although she still has a job. ferent squeeze-bottles of Since God has hung his light beer. She comes home and sits on the porch, as secluded from the sun as possible. Her skin 5752 Calle Real • Goleta • 967*7151 is a muddled and marred MADE IN THE U.S.A Featuring "American made" Raliegh Mountain Bikes

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.$ I95 r LO W EST P R IC E | This is not bocci ball. It is lawn bowling. SHRIN K IN TO FIT TOWN 1 FREE SHORT WHEN YOU BUY 1 Bocci: Have a Ball! !3-MrS(KEIiniNT$jQMI By Charles Gomer Scott what I mean, you can still him crazy, just a mean ole always gave my dad a rea­ IT-SHIRTS—ONLY Bocci without them be­ louse son to yell at my brother “You what?” cause this game don’t call When playing me at too. “Mow the lawn! We’re ■ a r beach pants $5 m i “I didn’t mow the lawn for no old people neither, Bocci, just rollin’ them in the backyard. What, are no way, no how. Italian balls, and I was gonna play Bocci,” he’d you deaf? Stupid? How I know, you’re still un­ always willing, despite yell, and boy would my my bro’s guffaws. bro’ get to it. AND A ll WOMEN’S are we gonna play Bocci?” sure. “Just what is Bocci?" Bocci? Yeah, Bocci. Or you’re asking. So I thought First we’d roll the hit I could go on all day ab­ Bocci bowls. Or Bocci up a little rap to explain: ball and hope to set it out how great it is to be out SPORTSWEAR 20% OFFI bowling, even Bocci Bowl. good, and then my in the backyard with your Whatever you call it, “Listen my friends, it’s uncle’d send one, and if family, listening to, steaks 'Bocai is how everyone in gonna be hot, talkin’ all went as it should, grilling on the grill, a cold my family spells F-U-N. ’bout the favorite back­ One ball he’d send on soda in one of those styro­ KORB’S’* ® For those of you not in yard game o f the Family at it, and then I ’d follow foam holders on the picnic the know, Bocci is the no­ Gomer-Scott. that, and then he’d knock table just an arm’s reach vice’s version of lawn First my bro’ would me outta there, and I ’d away, before the mosqui­ bowling, or maybe it’s the mow the lawn, and Dad’d scream, “Hey, tit for tat!” toes really start zapping ya cheapskate’s way to get his set the picnic table, then And then we’d keep on in early spring, but if I went (or her!) outdoor-bowling Mom would start a- rolling, turn by turn and on about all of that you entertainment kicks. In cookin’, just as fast as she ball by ball, and usually wouldn’t have time to go ball town, and sure, there’s either case, it’s a far super­ was able. I ’d lose, despite my loud­ buy a Bocci set and get to far too few places where ior game. The bar-b-q’d get goin’, est calls it. you can go ride a horse in Unlike its famous and we’d not know what O f “Bocci!” when I ’d And that’s what you re­ the early morning dew, but ancestor, the ancient Engl­ to do, and along would hit him, or even when I ally need to do. there’s a ton o f stores sell­ ish game of bowls, Bocci come my uncle, whom missed...” It is spring, and Santa ing Bocci bowl sets. doesn’t call for fancy balls Dad called “old you- Barbara may not be a base- Go get one todayt imported from England know-who,” Getting the picture? that cost at least a few When talking to my The whole idea behind the hundred bucks. Nor does mom in the middle of the, game is competition. it call for a huge complex night, hoping us kids we­ Knock the other son of a of manicured greens and ren’t listening to his ugly bitch’s balls as far out of alleys. tales o f the sight the alley as you can, and My experience with Of my uncle as a vet­ then get yours as close to lawn bowling is that you eran, and his two tours in the hit ball as possible, and need a bunch o f wealthy the Nam, and he never never let the other guy retired people to play. So, was the same, at least so have a chance. C&UtotnLa. if all your grandparents said my mom. Anyway, that’s why my have moved to Florida or But when he’d come on family loved Bocci so Palm Springs, or just over to that little New much — the spirit of com­ “moved on,” if you know petition involved. And it Qi/Unl Co. York house, 1 never saw has Gone With The Wind..... Mom's in Maui so we're having a sale. All bikinis on rack are only $30. Sale good 5/6 through 5/16

Aloha Donna!

(805) 683-4482 5370 Hollister Santa Barbara, CA 93111 6A Wednesday, May 1,1991 Daily Nexus Spin Cycle! Frisbees are Popular!

By Gutch Nice______think it's a plate or some­ thing. The object of which I pontificate to you is none Yeah, so it’s starting to other than perhaps man’s warm up again, and that simplest amusement ever— funny energy that makes the frisbee. Known by ex­ you want to run outside and perts as the disc, the plate, strip naked in a field is in the the friz, the bee, the frisbee, air. And, as most of us the ho-ho-lanny, the speedy know, running naked round go-go, the platter or through fields is not always the saucer, this little sugar- the best way to deal with honey might just surprise Spring Fever. I mean there’s you. laws and stuff, and as fun as I mean it’s really an ox­ it would be to run out there ymoron and stuff because in the grass over on Storke it’s so simple and anyone Field and strip down in can do it, and yet, for the front of some unsuspecting pros, it gets real compli­ gym class, you might get cated. They’ve got about 50 thrown in jail for it and that, different weights, sizes and my fellow spring revelers, is shapes (mostly, round) for not what you — or I for that these flying wonders, and matter — need. they all have some special So, as I’ve established a purpose. clear problem — what to do But that’s not what I’m about Spring Fever — I feel here to tell you because obligated and, moreover, mainly I don’t know any­ compelled to provide a thing about it. What I do solution. know is that when you want It’s round, it’s flat, it costs to run naked out in a field about $8 and, minus the because it’s spring time, and neat little logos and funny you’re not too hip on doing neon colors, you might just quality time in the cooler or something, this Magic Fly­ ing Orbital Unit (M.F.O.U.) is about the best damn thing 1 around. HEY UCSB! You can just go out there liSliilli*: tmmmËÈSÊÊÊMÊÊm. KTYD 99.9 AMD with as many of your friends ORCHID BOWL as you want and run around PRESENTS like crazies. That’s the beauty of a frisbee really; it In frisbee, exercise is often ‘catch as catch can.’ Explain. gives you a great excuse to run around in a field. I mean ROCK me and my friends go out Damn, it’s fun. and pretend the disc is a about the ol’ Friz is that you dog will probably get a lot there and sometimes — I’ll But the point is, for those football — or even frisbee can involve your animals. closer). See, that’s it really; be honest with you — we ofyou readers who are more golf, where you can play 18 Slap a bandana on that pup the frisbee doesn’t leave don’t even come near where self-conscious, you can play hole with a chicken dinner o f yours, throw the disc, and anyone out in the spring the frisbee is flying. We just with rules, too. There are a platter! Can you believe it? I I tell you what, that little time. So seriously — don’t throw it and all start run­ R 9 W U million games like Ultimate sure can. pooch will run just as much get left O.U.T. on the ning around like mad men. — where guys run around EVERY Another really cool thing as my friends do, (except the M.F.O.U.! THURSDAY MIGHT 9:30 pm • Midnight

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968-2254 ▼ 6583 Pardall Rd. I.V. Daily Nexus Wednesday, May 1,1991 7A Fiction About Lawn Darts! C’mon!

By Alfonso Kelly______would say, swaggering back to the food like a Cro- Magnon cowboy in an ado­ No one needed to look at lescent skin flick dissolve the calendar when Lawn- montage. dart Lester came soaring off It was spring all right, but the roof, spinning into the every tíme I think o f it, it swimming pool, Hipping seems like an afternoon free and twisting out again and from temporal or meteoro­ bounding like a frisky logical distinctions. Clydesdale to the Bar-B- For me it was an episode Que. defined entirely by moral He’d wrap his brawny and legal terms. But that fists around bubbling hot was just for me. dog franks — still steaming We — and by we I mean — and force them down his my mom, my dad, my sister throat, bellowing an awe­ Liza and my friend Lester— some, guttural squawk from had just tossed another pas- his behemoth-ish chest. sel of weiners on the grill “Oh,” Liza would say, and Lester was lubing his “Lester’s frisky. It must be lawn darts (“ I can get a spring.” lower trajectoiy with this And it was. stuff” *slurp*). After the heavy months of But right when Dad was precipitation, model airp­ pulling the mustard bottle lane tally-wackation, feed­ away from Lester again, a ing his dog Ken-L-Ration helicopter rose from behind and “ combing his hair- our backyard wisteria ation,” Lester was out of the hedge, police guys with house and ready to swallow guns so big I was jealous anything hot thrown his came running around form way. the front yard and a louds­ I think those weiners peaker from somewhere wound up in his lungs. said, “Drop those darts, But if they did, you’d Lester! You’re all under ar­ never know it from his lawn rest for lawn darts!” dart score. Liza grabbed the nearest Lester would squirt a pint chair and tried to throw it at of mustard in his mouth, the cops, but one o f them swash a handful of relish ar­ was on top of her before she ound in his cheeks, swal­ could let out the word STACEY TEAS/Dulj N u low, sling three giant darts “pervert.” Backyard fun is not always as strange as the writer of this story. Why or why not? from his hip, squawk again I froze up in the commo­ and rip his shirt off when the tion and was quickly knock the stabilizing rotor my dad was able to toss one think the cops ever did across the print shop like three of them came streak­ brought to my knees by the off the helicopter, turning it of the cops in the pool after either. deadly frisbees from the ing down from the treetops glimpse of a night stick. But into a big, black Quisinart the poor guy was distracted But sometimes I think DMV. and grouped in a four-inch as I fell — gravity style — to that exploded in the trees by a lawn dart in his foot back to those days o f inno­ I like to drift back to that pattern slightly to the top of the grass, I saw a lawn dart behind the swimming pool. But we all got arrested cence, before shakedowns spring afternoon when I the ring. soar up out o f the yard, Then the cop on top of anyway, all that is except and jail-yard scuffles. Be­ learned about how cold “I like putting them a tumble over the fence and me was taken down by a Lawhdart Lester. We never fore I developed a penchant handcuffs could be. I little north of center,” Lester straighten just in time to lawn dart to the temple, and saw him again, and I don’t for whirling licence plates learned about my right to re­ main silent, and we all learned that Lawndart Les­ ter could hit moving targets.

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itmt 8A Wednesday, May 1,1991 Daily Nexus

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