What You Need for the Marriage Officer Chapter 4: Getting Married at Home Affairs Chapter 5: Legal Considerations (Sponsored by Harrison Malherbe Inc

So you’re engaged now what? The journey from engaged to married

______

Stephen van Basten

Stephen can be reached at:

[email protected] | www.stephenvanbasten.co.za | 083 231 8445

Endorsements

“Stephen, your book looks awesome. It’s practical and well written. I am in no doubt that engaged couples who use this book to plan their wedding are in excellent hands. Thank you for attending my book writing boot-camp and more importantly for following the advice and taking ACTION. Gerry Robert, International Bestselling Author of ‘The Millionaire Mindset’

“We have always strived to provide the most relevant and accurate information to our clients as far as the details of the ceremony are concerned and with your ‘So you're ...engaged, now what’ edition, we are able to forward that information on, in a concise, detailed and descriptive manner. For this, we are extremely grateful and most confident that the information provided is from a valuable, timely and relevant source. “ Nici Bailes, The Marriage Meander Company

“Over the years, in my capacity as a Wedding Planner, I have worked with Stephen at numerous venues and on many weddings. Stephen has a wonderfully easy going way with his couples. His approach is friendly, fun, informative and very professional. “So you’re engaged, now what?” captures all of those traits beautifully. It’s easy to read, fun and extremely informative. It makes a fantastic engagement present and in my opinion is recommended reading for every future bride”. Marielle Evans, seasoned wedding planner.

“Stephen, I would be honored to have you include my poem, “The Invitation” in your book on getting married. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer, bestselling author of “The Invitation”.

“Thank you Stephen for this informative book. We found it very practical and full of the good information that every engaged couple would benefit from. We will be selling it in all of our stores.” Estee Ferreira, The Wedding Connexion Group.

“Stephen, I have just finished reading your new book "So you're engaged, now what?" My first thought is THANK YOU! It is filled with such practical info and is definitely going to be my new guide book until February when we get married. You have shared all your wisdom

3 and experience - I don't think couples buying your book know just how lucky they are. Well done, good luck and thank you!” Jo-Anne, future bride

Stephen, your talent amazes me. How I wish you had written this book before I married Toby! I have no doubt that it is going to save many a nervous bride-to-be hours of time, frustration and energy. Please could I have a couple of copies to give to my engaged friends? Carly Williams, past bride

Hi Rev. Stephen, We are back from our honeymoon and had the most incredible time. I just wanted to pop you a quick mail to say thank you so much for the amazing service that you delivered, it was so special and everyone really enjoyed it. You added in just the right amount of appropriate humour and there were moments that both Carmen and myself simply couldn’t contain our emotions. Our ceremony was absolutely perfect and we wouldn’t change anything for the world.

We also found your book “So you’re engaged… now what?” highly informative. It was invaluable to us and I would recommend it to any couple who is ready to get married. My only regret is that I wish I had found it 3 months earlier! J Thank you for helping make our wedding day the most memorable day of our lives. Clayton, past groom

Hi Rev. Stephen,

The book is really wonderful. It’s very helpful and really simplifies a very grueling task of planning a wedding! It would have solved a lot of my wedding planning problems had I had it before we got married. Well done on the new book and we wish you lots of success for the future. Natassja, past bride

Hi Stephen Thank you so much, I have read about 40 pages of your book and found it to be one of the best wedding books I've ever read. Right up there with "The irreverent a - z wedding guide". It's absolutely fantastic! Nyasha, future bride

Foreword

Congratulations on your Engagement! I wish you many years of happiness together. Remember that marriage is hard work but it is incredibly rewarding.

As of 2013, I have been with my wife, Jacqui, for 25 years and married for 21. We have an 18 year old daughter, Victoria. My late mother always quipped that, “Old age is not for sissies”. I add to this that both marriage and parenthood are not for sissies either. They are, however, incredibly fulfilling and I would not change either for the world. When people ask me, “Is marriage wonderful?” I always answer, “NO. It isn’t….. But it can be.” Marriage takes work and care and the rewards of that work, can be incredibly fulfilling. The point is that, just getting married is not enough.

This book is the culmination of almost 20 years of performing wedding ceremonies. The blueprints are real weddings that I have performed over the years. The Wedding Template 2013 is my favorite and has been tweaked over the years to be the best I have to offer.

The companies and suppliers I recommend at the end of the book are not merely financial supporters but people I have worked with and whom I can recommend with a clear conscience. I have personally written the chapters I am knowledgeable on and have asked other business owners to write chapters on their area of expertise. I have credited them directly for those. Here are my best tips right upfront:

1. Create an email address for your wedding like [email protected] and use that whenever you are asked by suppliers for your email address. 2. When you find a supplier you like, book them and pay the deposit. There are only 52 Saturdays in a year and we get booked quickly. I have some bookings 18 months in advance. 3. Take the advice the professionals give you. We have been in the industry for years and we have learnt what works through trial and error.

I wish you many hours of happy hunting and a very special wedding day. Remember that very little actually goes wrong on the wedding day itself and anything that does go wrong can usually be fixed quickly. Most importantly, try to remember to ENJOY it and not spoil it by stressing too much.

Much Love

Stephen van Basten

Am I the real deal? Don’t ask me, ask my wife:

Many people ask me if my husband, Stephen, is the real deal - if, as the Marriage Expert, he ‘eats his own dog food’, the simple answer is yes. Yes he does. We have been together for many years and married for more than half of my life, but this does not mean it’s always been easy. Even being married to the most amazing man on earth is not without its difficulties. Our marriage has been a fantastic and interesting journey. We love each other and more importantly, we like each other. Marriage really is hard work. It’s a daily decision and it’s not always pretty. Stephen is difficult to describe; deep, philosophical, focused and sincere. He can also be challenging; overly sensitive, provocative, irritatingly idealistic and obstinate. When Stephen claims that he loves learning and teaching, he means it. I have spent countless hours alone at home, while he has been at one course after the next. Fortunately for me, I am the first to benefit from his personal growth. I have attended Stephen’s seminars and talks. Everything he teaches, we do at home. In fact, everything he teaches, has been tried and tested in our marriage over many years. You are very fortunate. When we got married we had no idea what we were getting into, we were young, carefree and in love and believed that that would be enough - forever! Believe me there have been moments over the last quarter of a century where it wasn’t enough and we had to dig deep. I wish there had been a book like this, or a seminar like the one Stephen presents before we got married, or during the early years. I know from the deepest part of my heart that it would have been a huge help to us, when times got tough. Fortunately, we made it anyway. Give yourself the gift of time and spend it by investing in your relationship - you won’t regret it.

Jacqui van Basten Am I the real deal? Don’t believe me, believe my daughter:

I know that I am only a child myself, and I can only understand so much of parenthood, but my parents have set such an incredible example for me, and I am so proud of them. In retrospect, I can see how they always had my best intentions at heart and that they always did the best that they possible could have considering the circumstance of each situation. They loved and listened to me, they encouraged and guided me, they disciplined me and allowed me freedom to become my own person and for this, I am eternally grateful. I hope to be as good a parent to my child one day, as they were to me.

Victoria van Basten

Contents

Introduction: So you are engaged – what now? Chapter 1: How to be your own wedding planner Chapter 2: How to choose the right minister Chapter 3: What you need for the Marriage Officer Chapter 4: Getting married at Home Affairs Chapter 5: Legal considerations (Sponsored by Harrison Malherbe Inc. Attorneys) Chapter 6: Relationship courses (Sponsored by Raymond Nettmann) Chapter 7: Wedding Ceremony Checklist Chapter 8: What happens at the reception? (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion) Chapter 9: Getting your seating plan together (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion) Chapter 10: Speeches at the reception Chapter 11: Sage advice from the Staff at Shepstone Gardens Wedding Venue Chapter 12: How to choose your DJ (Courtesy of Cream Cheese Professional Discos) Chapter 13: How to decide on a photographer (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion) Chapter 14: How to choose a videographer (Courtesy of Kim Cass – Videographer) Chapter 15: Tips on planning your wedding day (Courtesy of Bride and Co) Chapter 16: 11 Wedding Ceremony Options (Sponsored by Elfreda Jordaan – Harpgigs) Chapter 17: More wedding poems Chapter 18: More wedding vows (Sponsored by Mizmundo Honeymoon Travel) Chapter 19: Managing your wedding day, on your wedding day Chapter 20: Monthly countdown to the big day (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion) Chapter 21 - Planning your honeymoon (Courtesy of Angela Symons - Travel Counsellors) Chapter 22: Financial Planning for Couples (Adam Helper – Discovery Financial Consultant) Chapter 23: You can’t control the weather, but you can be prepared for anything – Chapter 24: Losing a couple of kilograms before the wedding (Valverde Wedding Venue) Chapter 25: For the Groom: How to choose a suit for the big day (Courtesy of Eurosuit) Chapter 26: Keeping the spark alive (Courtesy of Bev Buckley – Pure Romance) Chapter 27: My Wedding Budget (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion) Chapter 28: Stephen van Basten’s tips for a happy marriage (Sponsored by Anita Jack) Chapter 29: Stephen van Basten’s life skills tips (Sponsored by Skrapnel Productions) Chapter30: Some of my personally recommended Suppliers Chapter 31: Summary of all of the Author’s Tips (The Marriage Meander Company) Chapter 32: Glimpses of the sequel, “So you’re Married, now what?” Chapter 33: End

INTRODUCTION - So you’re Engaged – What now?

First things first, check that you are both registered as SINGLE at Home Affairs. If this is your second marriage, you cannot get married again unless you have been officially divorced at Home Affairs. You may even be registered as married by mistake. Simply go to the Home Affairs website, enter your ID number and ………………….. holding thumbs press ‘Enter’: http://www.home-affairs.gov.za/enquiry/marital/status/marital_status.asp

You will now be asked by all and sundry when the big day is. This is a good question and I suggest you have an agreed answer. Even if it’s just, “Next year sometime.” Ideally, have a month, “Next September” and (or) even better, “Saturday May 18 201_.”

Being engaged and planning your wedding can be a wonderful time of togetherness. I suggest you make time to plan this together. Get some wedding magazines and search the internet for wedding ideas and venues. Go to wedding expos and see what new ideas are being offered. Take turns to describe what you would ideally want and then agree on the end result together. Do remember though, that generally the Bride will have a lot more input here.

Tip to the Bride: He has not been planning this in his head for years. Be gentle with him. Tip to the Groom: This is VERY important to her. It will mean the world to her if you are fully involved.

Money becomes the next consideration. Weddings are expensive, and will generally cost more than you expect. If you allow yourselves to be taken off track by enthusiastic suppliers, you will find yourselves in hot water. The first question is, who is paying for the wedding? Thereafter, how much money is available? Now you can start budgeting for all of the elements.

In my opinion, the next step is to agree on a date and then find a venue available on that date. Generally the venue will be very helpful in terms of referring their recommended suppliers for the day. Many venues have a wedding planner as part of the package. Everything falls in place beautifully after that.

I find the following course of events that generally take place with a wedding: Girl meets boy, girl and boy date and get serious, boy proposes and girl accepts (unless it’s a leap year), the planning stage commences, the couple find a venue and book a wedding date, the games begin.

CHAPTER 1 - How to be your own Wedding Planner

Author’s tip: Use a wedding planner if you are able

Firstly, Wedding Planners are a very necessary part of the Wedding industry.

They play a very important role and should not be totally written off. If you are busy, want a lot of extras and don’t have time to get 100’s of quotes, then they are incredibly useful. And while they may charge a management fee, they will invariably save you money because they have already sourced the best deals over time. They can also manage last minute crises efficiently and effectively (like last minute supplier cancellations).

However, if you prefer doing it yourself (and there are good reasons to do so), your first trick is to find a venue that has a Wedding Planner or Coordinators as part of the package. Many venues have a Coordinator and Suppliers that they trust and have a relationship with, and this combination saves hours of time and is incredibly convenient.

The big wedding fairs are also invaluable. The Wedding Expo, The Wedding Indaba and Oakfield Bridal Expo are my favorites. You get exposure to many Suppliers and will actually achieve information overload. My suggestion at a wedding fair is: Pop into every stand. Don’t get overwhelmed. Just politely say “NO” if you are not interested and don’t give your details to a Supplier you know you will not use!

The next option is referrals. Actually the best option here is to use suppliers from weddings you have attended. Ask recently married friends who they used.

A quick note about the industry: There are only about 50 Saturday 3pm slots in the year. This is the most popular day and time. When you find your Venue or Supplier and they have your date open, just BOOK. Some Venues and Suppliers are booked 18 months in advance.

Your cheaper options are Friday and Sunday afternoons. During the week would be even cheaper but weekday weddings are a bit weird unless it’s a public holiday.

One clever trick is to have your wedding the day before a public holiday.

CHAPTER 2 - How to choose the right Minister

Author’s tip: Ask the minister what his policy is on photography. Too many couples have spent a fortune on a photographer only to find that the minister tells them to put the cameras away during the service!

Choosing the right Minister may be more important than you think. After the Bride and Groom, the Minister plays the next most important role, albeit, only for a short time.

There are 4 important parts to a marriage: 1. The Ceremony (Spiritual) 2. The Registration of the Marriage at Home affairs (Legal) 3. Signing an Ante Nuptial Contract (Legal) 4. Updating your Wills (Legal)

Spiritual: Choosing the correct Minister can be tricky. If you are already a member of a congregation, your best option is to get your own Minister to marry you. This will probably be the most cost effective method, as your Minister is also a Marriage Officer and can register the marriage at home affairs. Your own Minister also knows you and can make the ceremony more personal. The drawback to this would be that the Minister is guided by the church and will most probably deliver a more religious service, which may not fully fit you or your guests’ personal needs.

If you are ‘Believers’ but not necessarily ‘Church-Going’ or are from different Christian denominations, you can approach any Minister to perform your ceremony. Although an Inter-Denominational or Non-Denominational Minister may best fit your needs here. He or she would be more flexible in terms of Religious tempo and content.

If you are not religious at all or are from differing faiths altogether but still require a ceremony for your family or friends, a Universalist Minister would probably suit your needs best.

Universalists believe that all religions lead to the same God and are thus able to combine different religions into one ceremony. Most Universalist Ministers would include Pagan, Wiccan and even Atheistic or Agnostic themes in their wedding ceremonies when required.

Same-Sex marriages need to be handled in a very forthright manner. While it is legal in South Africa many Ministers may have personal and/or religious issues with this. Just be upfront and ask directly. If you detect an issue, find another minister. It is also important to note that not all Marriage Officers can register same-sex marriages. It is a newer law and requires a different register.

Personally I believe that it is imperative that you should meet with the Minister early on in your planning. Either meet at your or the Minister’s home or at a convenient coffee shop. Discuss the level of religion you require. Discuss the level of tradition you require. Discuss the content. Discuss the length of the service (I believe 20 minutes is perfect, 30 minutes acceptable, an hour or more will bore you and your guests). The last thing you want is to feel embarrassed during the ceremony and for your guests to comment on the length of the ceremony afterwards.

Ask to read some thank you notes, they will give great insight into the type of service the Minister will deliver and what they will be like to work with. If you have a Bible reading or poem that you would like read out, discuss that too. Be very specific if you want a light hearted service with a bit of humor or a formal more serious ceremony. I believe a bit of appropriate humor is necessary during the service and then to get quite serious for the vows. Ask the Minister what their beliefs are. How they feel about marriage, and possibly a little about his/her life and marriage. Insist on a dry run a day or two before the service – at the venue. The venue will usually accommodate this. Ask if you can see a copy of the service before the ceremony and if your input would be accepted.

Remember it is YOUR day. Not an opportunity for the Minister to preach to 100 fresh faces. Ideally you should feel an emotional or Spiritual connection with the Minister. If not, shop around until you do.

The ceremony will set the tone for the whole day. You really want your guests to compliment you on the service.

Marriage Counseling or a Relationship Course is always a good idea before your wedding. Your Minister is usually able to assist with this. Just remember that there are two bases for this course; a Biblical Base and a Human Behavior base. Make sure to choose the one that best suits who you both are. Do this well before your wedding date as you will get progressively more stressed as the big day draws near.

Legal: 1. If the Minister is also a Marriage Officer then he will register your marriage at Home Affairs. I suggest that you get 90% of the admin done before the wedding day (photo’s, fingerprints, copies of ID documents) and the final signatures on the day. You will then need to find a lawyer to prepare an Ante Nuptial Contract and possibly assist you to update your Wills. 2. If the Minister is not a registered Marriage Officer: a. You can get married in court a day or two before the wedding itself (this is inexpensive but a logistical nightmare. It is also very cold and impersonal) b. You can get married before a Marriage Officer at their offices a day or two before the wedding itself (this has the benefit of being quick, easy and out of the way. It saves time on the wedding day after the service when you want to get photos taken and start the festivities. This is the most popular option) c. You can have a Marriage Officer attend the ceremony to complete the paper work

Costs for the Minister: Every Minister is different and will charge differently. Charges can vary from R1000 to R4000 (the most expensive quote I have seen is R4 500). Please be aware that you do generally get what you pay for. A Minister could put up to 10 hours of work into your wedding including travel, dry run and actual time on the day. The initial meeting, dry run and wedding day travel could amount to 200 km (at R5/km that’s R1 000 in costs!!!) I usually find that the cost of the Minister and registration is less than 1% of the total cost of a wedding. My advice is not to cut costs here.

CHAPTER 3 - What you need for the Marriage Officer

Author’s tip: Don’t forget the photos on the big day

Info for Marriage Registration - Bride and Groom  ID Number  Passport Number only if you are not South African  Date of Birth  Nationality  Surname  First Names - exactly as they appear on your ID  Marital Status: single, married, divorced, widower  City of Birth  Country of Birth  Residential Address  Cell Phone Number  Email Address  Postal Code  Highest Level of Education  Occupation  Copy of ID book (does not have to be certified)  3 x Passport Size Photographs: (Black and white or colour)  Letter from lawyer stating you have an Ante Nuptial Contract  Divorce decree if appropriate  Bride’s maiden name and new surname

Witness 1 and 2:  ID number  Surname  First names  Cell phone Number  Copy of ID book (does not have to be certified)

CHAPTER 4 - Getting Married at Home Affairs (sponsored by Simplywed) Author’s tip: Rather find a marriage officer to assist you or use simplywed

Some couples elect to get married at Home Affairs. The biggest benefit is that it is free. What you should do:  Go to your nearest Home Affairs office to book a date for your marriage  Bring the following: o A letter of confirmation of marital status from the country of origin if you are a foreign national. o Two ID photos and your left hand thumb prints will be taken from both parties to the marriage.  If you or your partner does not have an identity document (ID), you must complete a DHA-31 declaration for the purpose of marriage  On the day of the marriage bring: o Two witnesses, IDs or passport if you are a foreign national o Divorce order, if applicable  The marriage officer and the two witnesses must sign a document certifying that the declaration was made in their presence  After the marriage, your marriage particulars will be recorded in the National Population Register (NPR) and you will get a hand written abridged marriage certificate (DHA- 27). Note:  It is free to get married  If you are married under the Civil Union Act, you are not allowed to enter into a marriage under the Civil Marriage Act or the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act. In the same way, if you are already married under the Civil Marriage Act or the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act, you are not allowed to register a civil union in terms of the Civil Union Act.  If you want to get married out of community of property, you must go to your attorney to obtain a marriage contract prior to getting married.

Forms to complete:  Application for a marriage certificate, DHA-130  Declaration for the purpose of marriage, DHA-31.

CHAPTER 5 - Legal considerations (Sponsored by Harrison Malherbe Inc. Attorneys)

Author’s tip: Get your will updated at the same time as your Ante Nuptial Contract (ANC)

What are the legal implications of getting married? What changes? How does it affect financial issues? Many couples refuse to have an ANC on the basis that: a) They are never going to divorce, and b) They plan to always share everything

This may sound very romantic, but it is not only your assets that are jointly owned – you are also liable for each other’s debts. The last thing you want to do is to put your family home at risk. Couples marrying without an Ante-Nuptial Contract, often fail to grasp that this is just what could happen if one of them should decide to start a business venture which fails, because at the end of the day, they will both be liable for any debts incurred. At the start of your marriage you may have no plans to start your own business, but who knows what might happen 10 years later.

If you decide after the ceremony that you would have preferred to have had an ANC, you will require a High Court Application, which is very costly. In addition, you will be expected to produce a valid reason as to why you did not conclude an ANC before your marriage.

In terms of South African law, a couple may marry either without an Ante-Nuptial Contract, meaning the marriage is ‘in community of property’ or with one, which will generally exclude community of property and may either be with or without accrual.

Marriage in Community of Property In South Africa, if no Ante-Nuptial Contract is signed prior to the wedding, you are automatically married in community of property. In layman's terms, this means that all property owned by either spouse becomes part of the joint estate upon marriage, whether it is theirs at the time of the marriage or is acquired by them after the wedding. The advantage is that both parties equally share in each other’s wealth. 16

The downside of marrying in community of property is that, should either of you face bankruptcy during the course of the marriage, your joint estate is vulnerable to the claims of your creditors.

Certain assets do not form part of the joint estate, namely:  Donations and inheritances which are expressly excluded from community of property by the testator/testatrix or donor  Assets acquired subject to a fideicomissum or usufruct. However, the fruits of such assets will form part of the joint estate unless such fruits are also specifically excluded there from  Any amount recovered by a spouse by way of damages for non-patrimonial loss  Certain life insurance policies.

Since both spouses are joint owners and administrators of the communal estate, various transactions which bind the communal estate require the consent of both spouses, prior to transacting (e.g. buying a house or opening an account).

Marriage out of Community of Property  Marriage out of Community of Property excluding the Accrual System Each spouse will own and control his or her own estate assets without interference or control by the other spouse. The estate of each spouse consists of all the assets he or she owned prior to the marriage and any assets acquired by each spouse subsequent to the marriage. Such a matrimonial property system means that each spouse is personally liable for his or her own debts and obligations existing before the marriage and arising thereafter. The disadvantage is that if the one spouse’s assets increase at a much faster rate than the other (he is the CEO of a multinational and she is a part-time secretary or a housewife), on dissolution of the marriage, the spouse whose estate has shown a smaller rate of growth, will have no claim against the former spouses estate. This often leaves a woman in a disadvantaged position, especially if she has sacrificed her career to be a mother. A further disadvantage is that the less wealthy spouse (usually the wife) can be disinherited by the other spouse leaving them with no claim against a deceased estate.

 Marriage out of Community of Property incorporating the Accrual System The standard accrual system which is incorporated in the majority of Ante Nuptial Contracts these days is set out in Chapter 1 of the Matrimonial Property Act, No 88 of 1984, (The Act). The accrual system effectively creates a partnership arrangement between the two spouses in terms of which they agree to share the wealth generated by both of them during the subsistence of their marriage in terms of the formula set out in the Act. (See ‘Calculation of Accrual and Net Accrual’ below). A claim arising out of this accrual system by the spouse who is entitled thereto will only vest upon the dissolution of

17 the marriage between the parties by death or divorce. The term ‘accrual’ is used to denote the net increase in value of the estate of a spouse between the date of the marriage and the date of dissolution of the marriage. Because the right to share in the accrual is exercisable only upon dissolution of the marriage, such right is not transferable and cannot be attached by creditors during the subsistence of the marriage. Notwithstanding the existence of the accrual system, each of the spouses retains the right of full management and/or control of his and her assets without interference by the other spouse. The Legislature, when enacting the Act, was so strongly in support of the Incorporation if an accrual system into Ante Nuptial Contracts that the Act specifically states that the accrual system as set out in the Act will automatically apply between the spouses unless it is specifically excluded in the Ante Nuptial Contract. Calculation of Accrual and Net Accrual The accrual of a spouse’s estate is calculated by subtracting the net asset value of his or her estate at the commencement of the marriage from the net asset value of his or her estate upon dissolution of the marriage. This can be exemplified as follows: If spouse A had a net asset value of R10 000 at the commencement of the marriage (his ‘initial value’) and a net asset value of R100 000 at the dissolution of the marriage (his ‘end value’) then the accrual to his estate is R90 000. If the initial value of spouse B was R20 000 and her end value R200 000, it follows that the accrual to her estate is R180 000.

Net accrual is calculated by subtracting the ‘smaller’ accrual from the ‘larger’ accrual. In the above example: R180 000 – R90 000 = R90 000. In accordance with the Matrimonial Property Act, A (the spouse with the smaller accrual) acquires a claim against B (the spouse with the larger accrual) for one half of the net accrual (namely – R45 000).

The initial value of a spouse’s estate must be declared either in an Ante Nuptial Contract itself or a separate statement, made no later than six months after the marriage. Failing which, the initial value will be deemed to be nil.

Various assets are excluded from the determination of the accrual of a spouse’s estate, and they are:  Any amount which accrued to the estate by way of damages other than damages for patrimonial loss  Any asset which has been expressly excluded from the accrual system in terms of the Ante Nuptial Contract of the spouses as well as any other asset which a spouse has acquired by virtue of his or her possession or former possession of such asset  An inheritance, a legacy or a donation which accrues to a spouse during the subsistence of his or her marriage as well as any other asset which he or she acquired by virtue of his or her possession or former possession of such inheritance, legacy or donation, except insofar as the spouses may agree otherwise in their Ante Nuptial Contract or insofar as the testator/testatrix or donor may stipulate otherwise 18

 Donations between spouses; other than a donation mortis cause (i.e. a donation which only takes effect upon the death of the donor).

CHAPTER 6 - Relationship courses (Sponsored by Raymond Nettmann – Marriage Officer)

Author’s tip: If you can afford to do a relationship course before you get married, do it. If you can’t afford it, see if you can pay it off monthly or do it after the wedding, once you are back on your feet.

This is an interesting aspect of the wedding. While I love personal development and learning, not everyone does. I personally do not insist that my couples do this, I do highly recommend it though! I know that this is the time when you are strongest. You are engaged and in love and at the strongest point ever. No the less, I suggest that you do all you can to keep it that way for a long time. Some couples do marriage counseling just to say they have done it. Please don’t do it for this reason. We do all know that many marriage fail. Research shows that couples who do some pre-marital work have a 30% more chance of making it. Funnily enough, I generally find that one partner wants to do this more than the other. Having said that, there are really good reasons and benefits to doing one.

My relationship course is based on human behavior in relationships. It’s essentially personal development and sharing. For couples who have been together for a short time, it’s speed-courting. For couples who have been together for 10 years, it marriage counseling. Most importantly, its 10 hours of honest open communication.

The biggest benefit is that you will get to know the Minister, and he/she will get to know you. There is no doubt that I do better services for couples who have done the course with me. We are comfortable with each other and I can personalize the service more effectively.

I also highly recommend Dr. Demartini’s signature course, “The Breakthrough Experience” for anyone getting married. It’s an intense 2 day course on personal development based on human behavior. www.drdemartini.com

So if you do a relationship course, do it for the right reason.

For more information on the Author’s Relationship Experience course “Future Proof Your Marriage”, go to: www.stephenvanbasten.co.za or email me on [email protected] for more information.

CHAPTER 7 - Wedding Ceremony Checklist

Author’s tip: Don’t forget the ID photos for the Marriage Officer. This is the checklist I send my couples a week before the wedding.

Thank You Thank you for choosing to use me as the Minister for your wedding. Please would you assist me to ensure everything runs smoothly by updating this form and emailing it to me as we move through the process? It is also a handy checklist to remind you of what needs to be done for the wedding.

Meeting Requests You will notice that I use Microsoft Outlook Calendar extensively and I update that as a record of the process. Please would you check that the meeting request I send you reflects the correct date and exact time of the start of the wedding ceremony.

Timing If you do change the time of the wedding, please let me know immediately via email and ideally send a ‘new time proposed’ from the meeting request itself. I generally plan to get to your wedding about 30 minutes before the start of the ceremony, so the exact time is important to me. Also please remember that I may have another wedding before or after yours so correct timing is rather important.

I do budget for the bride to be about 10 – 15 minutes late and sometimes unforeseen circumstances do hinder the start time, but at 30 or even 45 minutes it does get frustrating and may start jeopardizing my next appointment. So please do your best to keep as close to the agreed timing as possible.

Chosen Ceremony Send me the wedding ceremony you want a day or two before the dry run. This way I can quickly look over it and make suggestions. Please have a printed copy for me at the dry run too.

If any changes are made to the schedule or the wording, please update the document itself and email it to me. I sometimes get confused by last minute additions or when I have separate emails asking for changes to the document.

I also suggest you have a copy of the final wedding ceremony printed out and available as a backup plan on the wedding day in the unlikely event that something unplanned happens. My wife, Jacqui’, cell number is 083 ……………….. just in case you cannot contact me (she knows my schedule). I suggest you pop that into your phone right now.

Chapel Requirements On the day, I prefer to have a podium and I prefer a lapel microphone if possible. I do have a portable podium if the venue does not have one. I generally need a microphone for 50 people or more depending on the acoustics of the venue. I always prefer a microphone if it is an outside wedding.

If you are wanting hand binding, breaking the glass, unity candle or sand ceremonies, please include them in the ceremony and supply the necessary ‘props’ and arrange to have them there on the day.

Marital Status before the wedding I suggest that you both check that you are indeed eligible to marry by checking your marital status. You can do this by entering your I.D. number on the Home Affairs website: www.home-affairs.gov.za/enquiry/marital/status/marital_status.asp

Dry run I prefer to do a dry run, but am happy not to if you feel it’s unnecessary. A day or two before the wedding, at the venue, is ideal but we can easily do it at your home too. Ideally, the entire bridal party should be there, but it’s not essential. I know it’s difficult to get everyone together. If you can choose who to leave out it would be the groomsmen. They essentially do very little. Basically stand trying to look handsome and sometimes fail dismally…

I strongly suggest that you and your fiancé have a very clear picture of what you want for your wedding before the rehearsal. Usually there is a ‘strong personality’ or two who have their own ideas of what they believe a wedding should be. This can make the rehearsal a tedious and difficult occasion. I had one couple who sent everyone to the bar for a drink while the 3 of us continued the rehearsal alone. I do suggest you book the rehearsal time with me and the venue timeously, as my diary tends to fill up quickly.

Requirements to register your marriage at Home Affairs Please remember to bring hard copies of ID books, a copy of the Ante Nuptial Contract, divorce decrees (if you are divorced) and your photos on the day we register your marriage with the Marriage Officer.

Marital Status after the wedding The next step is to wait for Home Affairs to register you as married. This can take between two days and two months depending on how busy they are. I suggest you keep checking their website until your marital status changes to ‘married’ http://www.home-affairs.gov.za/enquiry/marital/status/marital_status.asp

You can then go into home affairs and apply for a new ID book and passport which will then have your marital status as married. Or you can simply wait until the next time you get an ID / passport and it will be automatically updated then. You can also go to home affairs and ask for a printed copy of your marriage certificate, although you don’t require this, as the hand written one you receive from the marriage officer is legal.

If you have an urgent need for an unabridged marriage certificate, please let me know. This process can add another 3 months to the process.

IMPORTANT The biggest hold up on marriage registrations is couples who forget to give me their photos. If this happens, it may hold up the registration until after you return from honeymoon and can get the photos to the marriage officer. I suggest you give them to me at the dry run.

Alcohol Please be aware that by law we cannot marry you if you are intoxicated . Please be careful not to have too much to drink before the ceremony.

The Relationship Experience If you were keen to do The Relationship Experience but decided against it, please reconsider. It is a wonderful way to get to know each other, clear any issues that may mar your future, learn some awesome communication tools and allow me to get to know you better. It can also help to deliver a more intimate service. I know that getting married is an expensive time and I would rather you did the course and paid me later or monthly or did a shorter version than miss out. Please chat to me and let’s make a plan.

Chapter 8 - What happens at the reception? (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion)

Author’s tip: When choosing a venue, the reception hall may be more important than the chapel. Remember, you will spend an hour in the chapel and the entire evening at the reception. Find a venue where you can have a great party!

Order of events  After the Service the Bridal couple will have their photographs taken  Guests will mingle and have snacks and welcome drinks o Some couples arrange entertainment or live music  Guests will be seated  Bridal couple will enter reception  MC will welcome everyone  Say grace if needed o Some Ministers will stay for dinner, others will not o Some Ministers will insist that you invite their wives  Starters should be served  Father of the Bride speech  Father of the Groom speech if he is doing one  Best man/men speech/es  If Bride or bridesmaids are saying a speech it will be done here  Any other speeches  Groom Speech  Mains are served  Opening dance  Parents join in  Bridal party join in  Guests join in  Cake is cut and dessert served  Father / daughter dance or any other special dance  Garter and bouquet toss  Dancing  Bridal couple leave

Chapter 9 - Getting your seating plan together (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion)

Getting the seating plan together

Start by typing your guests’ names into excel on one worksheet, once they RSVP move them over to another worksheet. This way you can easily see who still needs to RSVP, give them an extra week then give them a call. Once you have all your RSVP’s, start creating your seating plan by moving people into table numbers. Start with the most obvious groups of people, then work on the left over people. Remember there is nothing wrong if some tables have a different amounts of people. Work on tables of 8, 9 and 10. No one will notice that some tables have more or less.

Main Table

A traditional head table is not round, but rather a long straight table. Usually the Bride and Groom sit in the middle, with the Bride’s parents next to her and the Groom’s parents next to him. Some main tables include the bridesmaids and grooms men. It is also becoming common to have a sweetheart table that only the Bride and Groom sit at – the choice is yours.

Family /Friends Tension

Most families have members that may not see eye to eye, or perhaps haven't spoken to each other in the last few years. Naturally you will want to try and keep them apart from each other, so you may want to think about this when you do your seating plans.

CHAPTER 10 - Speeches at the reception

Author’s tip: Chose your Master of Ceremonies carefully. You want someone who knows everyone, can speak well but will not dominate the evening. He/she really just needs to keep the evening going.

Speeches are always an enigma. Everyone loves a great speech. Nobody enjoys a bad one and everyone hates a long drawn out one. The speeches at a wedding are important. Firstly it is traditional and part of the social experience, more importantly; people do need to be thanked.

I suggest that you ask all of the speakers to keep their speeches short, sweet and appropriate. You can even give them a time frame. Inform the Master of Ceremonies that his job is to run the evening, introduce the speakers and hold the event together. He or she does not need to give long speeches but rather be the light-hearted, upbeat ‘glue’ that keeps the evening on track.

Father of Bride  Introduce himself and welcome everyone  Thank everyone involved in making the wedding happen  Talk about your daughter, share any stories from when she was younger  Talk about the Groom and welcome him into your family  Give a toast to the happy couple and their future together - you may want to add some words of wisdom from your own experience of being married.

The Best Man/Men  The best man/men speech is traditionally the more humorous or adventurous speech given. It is expected that the stories or jokes will be at the Groom's expense, but not be rude or offensive  Thank the Groom for asking you to be his Best Man/Men  Share a couple of funny stories about The Groom  You could also talk about the bride if you know her well or tell a story about the Bride and Groom as a couple  Make a toast to the happy couple.

The Bride  More and more often the Bride also delivers a speech at the reception.  It usually comes before The Grooms speech.  Personally I love it. If you want to, go for it!

The Groom  Thank everyone for coming, especially those who have travelled long distances  Thank the Bride's parents for raising such a wonderful daughter  Thank the important people involved in organising the wedding  Compliment your Bride with some affectionate words  Toast the bridesmaids  Thank your best man/men for coming and say a few words about him/them - remember he is going to be making some friendly digs at you, so this is your chance to say something too  If the Bride isn't making a speech, then remember to speak on her behalf, such as when you thank people.

Chapter 11 - Sage advice from the Staff at Shepstone Gardens Wedding Venue – (written by Nina Joubert)

There are many articles, books, and blogs out there giving useful advice on finding your perfect wedding venue. They all have checklists, with questions to ask the venue: What's the capacity? How many other events are held on the same day? Do they have a back-up plan in case it rains? Are there emergency services on standby, such as generators and first aid? Are there sufficient bathrooms? Is there accommodation onsite for guests? What is included in the package price? Are there overtime charges? Are children allowed? Can music be played outside? … The list goes on and on, but none of them tell you the secret to finding your perfect wedding venue, and being happy with your decision.

Weddings are emotional events; the trick is to understand why emotion is so stressful so that you can deal with it effectively. A wedding is the joining of, not only the bride and groom as two individuals, but of two families, of an entire network of friends, colleagues and distant relatives, and this makes your wedding day as much about the people in your lives as it is about you the couple.

This means that there is not only a lot of pressure from the people who love and care about you, but there is a certain level of expectation too. As a bride, you have most probably been dreaming about your wedding day since you first watched the classic prince charming say 'I Do' and kiss his princess bride before they rode off into the sunset to live happily ever after. This means that there is a lot of pressure coming from yourself too.

Every decision you make when planning your wedding will be a somewhat emotional one. Do not fall into the web of maintaining other people’s high expectations and remember to manage your own expectations so that they remain realistic. It's all about a feeling. You want to be happy. Your friends and family want you to be happy. Don't get caught up in all the glossy magazines, pretty pictures and other people's opinion on what it should all look like, on what flowers to use, or colour schemes, those are all superfluous details which play a role as a whole but don't necessarily determine a successful day.

So it’s really quite simple, make sure your wedding day is planned according to what will make you happy. Your wedding will be the most special and meaningful day that you can plan for. It marks the point where you will vow to be together for the rest of your lives, you will promise everlasting love, respect and commitment for each other and your friends and family will be there to bear witness to and celebrate the beginning of your married life. The place in which you choose to make these vows needs to have a very special place in your heart so that you can look back on these happy memories, fondly.

Regardless of your theme or style, your venue is what adds the overall personality and atmosphere to your wedding. So, find a venue that is super charged with the emotional energy you want to be feeling on your wedding day. Choose a venue that gives you goosebumps when you walk around and see the space you will be in. Choose a venue where you can picture yourself walking down the aisle, saying I do, taking those perfect pictures, having your first dance, laughing with your best friend and crying cliché tears of ecstatic joy with your family.

Another key to avoiding frustration when searching for the ideal venue is to know what you want. Planning your wedding for the first time comes with a range of doubts and uncertainties. This is because you are working with something that is an unknown, something that you have not experienced before. The unknown always creates a sense of fear, which in turn leads to melodramatic stress.

The next thing you need to remember to do is to trust your service providers. Select a venue with staff that you know will be there to look after you. A venue that you know cares about what you want. The one thing you can be certain of is that most of us in the wedding industry have chosen to be a part of it for the passion of creating your perfect wedding day. We are all here for you, with the one common goal of making your dream a reality. We are experienced professionals that know what is required to achieve what it is that you want. Be clear and concise about what you want on your special day and choose a venue that lends itself to giving you just that. Whether you are looking for a more traditional packaged deal, or a venue that offers exclusive use with bespoke planning services, knowing what you want is an important part of successfully choosing your perfect venue.

Be realistic about your decisions. Once you have control over the emotional decisions you know you will make, you need to apply logic to them too. Ask yourself, “Is it financially viable”? The start of your lives together is going to be challenging, not only are you responsible for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing, but now financially too. You want to begin your lives together comfortably, starting out with a massive amount of debt is not a good idea.

When searching for your venue, look at hidden costs and surcharges too. Whilst every venue has a goal of hosting perfectly planned weddings, they are also businesses that need to be maintained. When selecting your wedding venue, albeit a personal decision, you are buying into a business. Make sure you understand all the financial implications associated with that. Every venue works differently. Some are open with all costs from your initial quotation; others only add final costs once you have made final decisions. Read through the contracts. Understand your invoices. Ask if you don't understand. It is very easy to manage costs when you are open minded about your options and controlling 32 wedding budgets is one of the many skills that wedding planners have extensive experience in. If you need assistance, find the right person and ask for it. You may have to consider an alternative date, or have a cash bar as opposed to an open bar, choose a simpler menu. Whatever it is you do, having an open mind and controlling your expenses from the start, is far less a worry than waking up on the morning of your honeymoon knowing it will be another ten years before you are able to put a deposit on a house.

Know that things sometimes do go wrong. Weddings have risks just like any other event. Understand what you can control, ensure that there are sufficient measures put into place to help you control them (such as back up plans if you are getting married in the rainy season) but also understand that there are things that happen that will be beyond anyone’s control. Don't stress about these, remember that everything happens for a reason and if anything it's simply another memory to add to the day. Have a sense for what your service providers can manage and what they cannot, and learn to work with it.

Finding your perfect wedding venue is one of the most fun parts of planning your wedding. It's an adventure, you're discovering a whole lot of new places and once you have your venue a lot of your other details will start to fall into place, because you would have chosen it so that it suits all your requirements from the start.

So, what is the secret to finding the perfect wedding venue? Choose a venue that will give you the environment to create your dream wedding and with flexibility for you to be creative too. Select a venue that meets all your needs practically. Find a place where you feel comfortable and taken care of, because if you have that sense of belonging then you will be happy, and being happy is the reason you said yes to getting married in the first place.

How can you be sure to remain comfortable with your decision? Keep the venue up to date with your plans. Work with them, they are all there to help you so let them. Use every opportunity as one to get closer to your fiancé (you still have a lot to learn about each other and planning your wedding together, is an amazing opportunity to do that), but most importantly you need to remember to have fun.

Here's to finding a venue that's perfect for the start to your happily ever after…

Chapter 12 - How to choose your DJ (Courtesy of Cream Cheese Professional Discos)

Author’s tip: Make sure you use a DJ that has experience playing at weddings. A wedding is incredibly difficult to manage as there are many ages and tastes from 10 to 90 year olds! Ask for their back up plan if equipment is faulty or the DJ takes ill.

The DJ - Probably one of the MOST important aspects of your Big Day, and more often than not, the category that is given the least amount of attention. As bold as it may sound, the fact is that the price-tag should be your very last consideration when it comes to choosing a professional DJ.

Make no mistake, it may be a cliché, but the truth cannot be emphasised more prominently than to say that ‘The DJ WILL be the Make or Break of your Wedding day’. The right music is one of the biggest contributors to the overall success of ANY event. Music will totally set the mood and the chosen genres will ensure either success or disaster. This starts from ‘Arrival Music’ right through to the ‘Party’. From my experience in the DJ industry, since 1994, many a bridal couple, and by many, I mean the MAJORITY, seem to think that DJ’ing is simply an individual that carries a good selection of music from the 1950s or 1960s to the latest hits and that is able to setup a couple of speakers and maybe Disco lights of some sort. Truth be told, this could not be further from the truth - these are the monkey’s you’ll get when you pay peanuts.

Read this a few times until it really starts to make sense: “A truly great DJ, just for a moment, can make a whole room fall in love, because DJ'ing is not about playing a few tunes. It is about generating shared moods; it's about understanding the feelings of a group of people and directing them to a better place. In the hands of a master, the right music can create rituals of spiritual communion that can be the most powerful events in peoples' lives.”

READING-THE-CROWD “Professional Mobile DJ’ing is more than simply an individual with thousands of songs on an iPod or Laptop, it is the TALENT and SKILL that a qualified professional brings to your event, to ensure smooth flowing order and should always be an individual that can Read- The-Crowd”, a term that is used all the time by Bridal Couples and although I believe most couples understand the core meaning of the phrase, I’d like to go into a little more detail:

Anyone can play song after song, but understanding your genres and knowing how to read your crowd according to age, culture and their reaction to certain songs, is the key to making a success of any party that only a Professional and Experienced DJ can offer.  It is a skill that is mastered over a period of time. Professional DJs will start using this skill the moment your guests arrive surmising their ages, cultures and body language  It is implemented by the reactions of guests during each and every song played and using the reaction of the guests to determine the next choice of song  It is the talent an individual possesses to gradually move through sets of various genres of music without disrupting the current flow. Therefore whilst the DJ is determining the next ‘best suited’ song, he/she is also keeping in mind that the set needs to gradually progress to the next required genre, to ensure that every single guests has a turn to hear their favorite genre of music  It means being professional enough to take requests from your guests and assuring them that you WILL play their song during a set that is appropriate for that particular song.

HOW TO FIND PROFESSIONAL DJ SUPPLIERS  Referrals Talk to friends, other suppliers, venues etc. and see what names pop up regularly.  Internet Search Search Google and specifically look at organic search results (anyone can feature on a ‘paid’ listing). These companies have worked hard and have put a lot of effort into achieving those results which generally gives an impression of seriousness and not ‘fly- by-night’. Do your research, log onto forums, chat and go wild. The internet has more information than you can dream of. Reputable companies’ names will be listed all over the place. Less reputable companies will be harder to find and should probably not be your first choice for important events such as your wedding.  Visit the Websites of the potential companies Your first impression should be a lasting impression. A company that takes pride in its service offering should offer a website that portrays that pride. A clean, well developed, content rich and user-friendly site generally gives visitors a satisfying first impression and encourages further research into that company.  Quotes Submit a request for quotations from the shortlisted companies.  Compare Quotes Do quote comparisons, but for heaven’s sakes, don’t jump at the cheapest possible quote. You’re not shopping for a TV, where it is the identical product with a different price tag at various locations. Services vary and each supplier, for the most part, has a reason why they charge what they charge. For example if most of the quotes are

around R6 000 and one quote is around R3 000, then there is a reason for that and you shouldn’t necessarily get excited straight away… research it first.  Caliber of DJ (how much experience)  What brands of equipment (pawn shop or professional)  General Infrastructure (will my emails and calls be answered quickly, are there representatives I can see to discuss the company etc.)  Pre-Function meeting (Do I meet with my DJ before my wedding)  Contingencies (what happens if this or that goes wrong and how is it handled)  These are just a few examples of what aspects are required to ensure a company can offer you a smooth running service. Failure to offer the above could ensure lower costs, but could potentially jeopardise the success of your wedding day and/or the smooth running thereof.

 Final Decision... Face-to-Face meetings Arrange a Face-To-Face meeting with one of the company’s representatives discuss your questions and concerns with them and ask how your specific event will be handled. After a good one-on-one, you will know who you feel most comfortable with and your level of comfort is of utmost importance to avoid unnecessary stress before and on your big day.

PLAYLISTS Any DJ that hands you a pre-defined playlist before an event, should be eliminated from your short list IMMEDIATELY. No one can tell beforehand what will work for your guests and what not. Yes sure there are always the dance-floor hits that work every time without fail, but the DJ needs to see the crowd live and in action to make playlist decisions. An amateur and inexperienced DJ will want you to either give him a playlist of 1 or 2 pages or will hand you a pre-defined playlist. An experienced DJ might ask you to provide 10 or 12 of your favorite songs or artists from various genres and eras just to give him a good idea of what your style is and he/she will take it from there, reading the crowd and giving every one of your guests a turn on the dance-floor.

You can provide your DJ with song names for the following formalities: 1. Processional (Brides entrance) 2. Interlude (i.e. Register signing, candle lighting etc.) 3. Reception entrance 4. First dance 5. Cutting of the cake 6. Bouquet toss 7. Garter toss

CONCLUSION 1. Even the most Professional of DJs cannot have every single song ever recorded - if there is a special song/s that you absolutely MUST have, be sure to tell your DJ this at your pre-function meeting. 2. Cheapest is most certainly not best - most reputable is. 3. Choose a company with a proper infrastructure that gives you peace of mind that no matter what, the show will go on! 4. Always make sure what is included and what might cost extra. 5. Just feel comfortable - if you’re at ease about your suppliers, you will have a whale of a time and a stress-free wedding.

Cream Cheese Professional Discos Song suggestions:

Processional recommendations (Bride’s entrance) Kenny G. The Wedding Song Felix Mendelssohn Wedding March (from a Midsummer Night's Dream) Jeremiah Clarke Trumpet Voluntary (Prince of Denmark's March) Wagner Wedding March (From Lohengrin) Enigma Return to Innocence Enya Book Of Days Celine Dion My Heart Will Go On Andrea Bocelli The Prayer

Interlude recommendations (candle lighting, register signing etc) Herb Alpert This Guy's in Love with You Percy Sledge Come Softly To Me Tracy Chapman Wedding Song Bob Dylan Wedding Song Petual Clark Wedding Song (There Is Love)

Recessional recommendations (exiting chapel / ceremony area) Antonio Vivaldi Spring or Winter (from the Four Seasons) Handel The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba Handel Hallelujah Chorus Queen Crazy Little Thing Called Love The Turtles Happy Together Dusty Springfield I Only Want To Be With You Kool and The Gang Celebration

Reception entrance recommendations Adam Sandler I Wanna Grow Old With You 38

Barry White My First, My Last, My Everything Black Eyed Peas I Got A Feeling Diana Ross & The Supremes Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Ge Edit) Frank Sinatra Best Is Yet To Come (Ge Edit) Grease You're The One That I Want (Ge Edit) Kool & The Gang Celebration Turtles So Happy Together (Ge Edit) U2 Beautiful Day

First dance recommendations Air Supply All Out Of Love Andy Williams Can’t take my eyes off you Ben E King Stand By Me Berlin Take My Breath Away Billy Joel I Love You Just The Way You Are Bryan Adams Everything I Do (I Do It For You) David Gray This Years Love DJ Sammy Heaven (Candle Light Mix) Elton John Can You Feel The Love Tonight Elvis Always On My Mind Elvis Can't Help Falling In Love Eric Clapton Wonderful Tonight Frank Sinatra The Way You Look Tonight Jason Mraz I’m yours John Lennon Woman Katie Melua Closest Thing To Crazy Michael Bublé Everything Nat King & Natalie Cole Unforgettable

Father - Daughter dance recommendations 98 Degrees Heaven's Missing an Angel Al Martino Daddy's Little Girl Billy Joel Just The Way You Are Bob Carlisle Butterfly Kisses Buddy Holly True Love Ways Charlie Rich The Most Beautiful Girl Chicago You're My Inspiration

Cutting the cake recommendations Tina Turner Better be good to me Bryan Adams Cuts like a knife Billy Joel For the Longest Time Adam Sandler Grow Old with you Rod Stewart Have I told you lately Marvin Gaye How Sweet it is Seal Kiss from a rose

Bouquet toss recommendations Cheryl Crow All I wanna do Queen Another one bites the dust Donna Summer Bad Girls Cindi Lauper Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun Pointer Sisters I’m so Excited Van Halen Jump No Doubt Just a girl Shania Twain Man I feel like a woman Madonna Material Girl Temptations My Girl Roy Orbison Pretty Woman

Garter toss recommendations George Thorogood Bad to the Bone Inner Circle Bad Boys Steppenwolf Born to be wild The Offspring Come out and play Cristina Aguilera Lady Marmalade Marvin Gaye Let’s get it on Henry Mancini Pink Panther Theme Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Tom Jones Sexbomb Joe Cocker You can leave your hat on

Chapter 13 - Deciding on a photographer (Sponsored by Irene Diary Farm and Wedding Venue)

Author’s tip: I suggest you ensure that there are two photographers at the wedding. When the bride walks into the chapel, one takes pictures of her while the other catches the groom’s reaction.

Speak to Friends Speak to recently married friends, find out if they would recommend their photographer or if they were unhappy with something that you could then look out for. See an Actual Album Have a look at an actual complete album and not just the photographer’s portfolio, which only includes the best photos of different weddings. Negatives Find out if the package includes the negatives or cd with images on. Reprints for family members will be cheaper if you can do them yourself. Share Allow friends and family to order prints directly through your photographer. Black and White Plain and simple, black-and-white photography is preferred for documenting emotional moments. The fewer colours your eyes have to process, the cleaner and easier an image is to absorb when viewing. Behind the Scenes Choose a photographer whom you feel extremely comfortable with and don't mind inviting backstage. Some of the most beautiful wedding moments happen while the Bride is dressing, and while the family is waiting. Don’t forget to have a seat at the reception for your photographer/videographer, they will also need to be catered for. Here are some helpful ideas of photo’s to take

Getting Ready  Bride's clothes hanging in the wardrobe, on the bedpost, or over a chair  Bride and bridesmaids getting dressed, applying makeup  Mom helping Bride with one last detail, such as veil or garter  Full-length shot of Bride in gown looking at herself in the mirror  Detail of clothing, shoes, garter, something borrowed, something blue  Bride with parents / siblings / Bride hugging maid of honour / with bridesmaids  Groom getting ready with Dad and Groomsmen (tying the tie is a classic)  Groom with all the groomsmen / putting on boutonnieres or bowties

 Dad whispering last-minute advice to Groom  Groom ready to go / Bride ready to go / Bride and Groom separately making their way to the ceremony

The Ceremony  Guests streaming in / Ushers escorting guests to their seats  Ushers escorting moms to their seats (applicable to Christian weddings)  Close-up of Groom's adorably nervous grin waiting for his other half  Bridesmaids and groomsmen walking down the aisle  Flower girl and/or ring bearer entering  Honour attendant walking down the aisle  Grandparents walking down the aisle (applicable to Jewish weddings)  Wedding party waiting at the altar / Groom walking down the aisle  Close-up of Bride just before she makes her entrance  Bride and escort/s walking down the aisle  Bride and Groom at the altar / Altar or canopy from the back during ceremony  Wide shot of audience during ceremony, from Bride and Groom's point of view  Faces of Bride and Groom as they exchange vows  Close-up of Bride's and Groom's hands as they exchange rings  The kiss / Bridal couple signing the registry / Bridal couple exiting the Chapel  Bride and Groom together / Bride with her parents and/or step-parents  Bride with her entire immediate family / Groom with his parents and/or stepparents  Groom with his entire immediate family / Bride and Groom with all parents  Bride and Groom with immediate family members from both sides  Bride and Groom with groomsmen / bridesmaids / whole wedding party  The Reception / Shot from outside reception site  Reception details such as place cards, guest book, centrepieces, decorations  Bride and Groom arriving / Bride and Groom at head table / Parents' table  Guests' tables / Close-up of friends and family making toasts  Bride and Groom sipping champagne  Bride and Groom chatting with the guests / Bride and Groom's first dance  Parents dancing / Bride and Dad dancing / Groom and Mom dancing  Wedding party dancing / Grandparents dancing / Kids playing or dancing  Musicians or DJ's doing their thing  Guests having a good time on the dance floor (slow shutter speed could be effective)  Bride laughing with bridesmaids / Cake table / Bride and Groom cutting the cake  Bride and Groom feeding each other cake / Dessert table /  Bouquet toss / Tossing and catching of the garter

Chapter 14 - How to choose a videographer

Photography captures the still moments of your special day, whereas, videography captures the motion and sound, enabling you to relive your special day on DVD.

Often bridal couples are so nervous and overwhelmed by all the attention on the day of the wedding that they forget what even transpired. A DVD enables the Bride and Groom to enjoy their special day once again and even becomes a special anniversary ritual to enjoy, year after year.

Many couples have admitted that their wedding DVD has helped them through difficult times in their marriages, as it brought back the love and romance.

A DVD serves as a family keepsake, especially when the children are born and they witness the love between their parents. Weddings are a special time for families to be together and having everyone on one DVD is a priceless treasure.

When selecting your videographer, ask the following questions:  How long has the videographer been in the industry, and how many weddings have they filmed  Ask to see demonstration DVD’s of previous work  How may camera’s are used. it is always advisable to have 2 camera’s incase the one camera breaks and also a second camera provides a different angle  Are special effects available, eg slow motions, transsions and photo montage  What type of camera is used. A professional camera will be able to pick up the sound without wireless microphones. Most Brides prefer not to have a microphone attached to their dress  Check if a tripod is used as this creates more stability and avoids a ‘shakey’ picture  Ask how many hours they film for. Most weddings need approximately 9 hours of coverage (this includes the Bride and Groom getting ready)  Check if you need to provide accommodation for the videographer if they are travelling out of their radius

 Request what type of packages / format are available: 44

o Nostalgic – includes photos of the Bride & Groom as babies and builds up to where they met, the ceremony, reception and photos of the honeymoon o Straight shot format – No editing is required and only 1 camera is used. This is the most affordable option o Documentary format – this creates a ‘story’ of the day. It includes the Bride & Groom getting ready, ceremony, reception, photoshoot, interview with the newly weds, messages from guests.

 Order a spare copy of your DVD and extra copies, as gifts to the parents and bridal party, inquire about the costs of extra copies of your DVD  Purchasing of unedited footage is often available at an additional cost. This is nice to have as a backup, and if editing is required in the future, it is possible to add on other footage such as anniversaries etc.  It is always advisable to meet with your videographer to build a relationship and discuss your personal requirements. Meeting at the venue is advisable  Introducing your photographer to the videographer is highly recommended, as they will be aiming for the same shot  Ask how long it will take to edit the DVD. Editing can take from 2 – 4 weeks  Cover youself by obtaining a contract from the videographer.

Chapter 15 - Tips on planning your wedding day (Courtesy of Bride and Co)

Your wedding day is a day that most women have dreamed of since they were little girls. After the engagement, the task of planning this special day may seem overwhelming for most Brides-to-be.

Here are some helpful tips of where to start:  Determine your budget (this will determine the amount of guests you can invite and the type of venue you will be able to afford)  Write down your guest list, starting with the people you would really like to have at your wedding (yes you have to include the future in-laws), followed by the names of business associates etc who are optional  Set the Wedding Date. Check the calendar and determine when both the Bride and Groom are able to obtain leave and select 3 dates that would be convenient for you both. Keep in mind if you have a tight budget, a winter wedding is often more affordable as some venue’s don’t charge venue hire in winter. Flowers are more expensive around Valentine’s Day  Select the Venue. The best option is to always conduct a ‘site visit’. Go and see the venue, check if the venue hire includes linen, crockery etc. as this can be an added cost. Check the menu options, buffet works out more affordable, check the gardens for your photography and videography, a beautiful garden along with a stunning water feature always creates a romantic backdrop  Send out Invitations. Once the budget, guest list, date and venue has been selected it’s time to select your invitations. Your invitations will set the “stage” for your wedding, whether being formal or informal. A ‘theme’ for your wedding can be incorporated into your decor and invitations, now is the time to select a theme if you would like to: butterflies, roses, animal prints, crystals, swans, fans etc.  Selecting Preferred Service Providers to quote you on the following services: Venue hire, Minister, Florist, DJ, Photographer, Videographer, Honeymoon specialist, Wedding favors, Attorney’s for marriage contract, Invitations, Unity candles etc. can be a tedious task. At Bride & Co these service providers have been sourced on your behalf and can be viewed at www.brideandco.co.za  Your Dream Dress / Wedding Gown. This is the most exciting part of the wedding. The Bride needs to decide whether she would like to hire, buy or make her dress. There are pro’s and con’s to each factor. If you decide to have your dress made, go to

someone who has made an item of clothing for you before and have it made at least 6 months in advance in case things go wrong. From personal experience, a dressmaker doesn’t always have the same vision as you do and even if you have a picture of your dress it doesn’t always work out as planned  If you decide to purchase your dress, it is advisable for the Bride to take someone who will be honest with her about whether her dream dress actually suits her. Mothers are usually the best options  At Bride & Co a personal consultant is assigned to the Bride and she can try on as many dresses as she likes. Often a dress that a bride would never think of trying on turns out to be ‘The One’. Try on different styles to see what suits your figure, the consultants at Bride & Co are trained to assist you with this decision  On the day, co-ordination of your Wedding is very important for the smooth running of your day. A wedding planner is highly recommended for this, as it is extremely stressful. If your budget doesn’t permit a Wedding Planner, then assign a friend or family member who is very organised.  Every wedding has little ‘oopsies’ where things go wrong and a Wedding Planner or well organised person can take the pressure off the Bride & Groom, so they can simply relax and enjoy their special day together.

CHAPTER 16 - Wedding Ceremonies (Sponsored by Elfreda Jordaan – Harpgigs)

Author’s tip: Try to get a copy of the minister’s sermon and ideally give your input into it. See if you can create your own unique ceremony together. It’s your day, not his.

The following is my favorite ceremony and is usually used as the blueprint. I suggest you use this as a base and add and delete from the others as you please. I have highlighted the humorous pieces with an  which can be deleted at will.

You are welcome to email me for the latest version at: [email protected]

Main Wedding Ceremony Blueprint

Guests sitting. Best men standing in front. Groom standing in front. Flower girl walks down the aisle and then sits down. Bridesmaids walk down the aisle and stand with Minister. Bride and dad walk down the aisle and stop 3m from the Minister.

Minister “Who gives this woman to be married?” Dad. “I do”. Dad kisses Bride and shakes Groom’s hand and sits down. Bride and Groom walk to front and stand with Minister {Facing Minister, each other or congregation?}

Opening and welcome Yet our love extends beyond sea, wind, earth and flame; It is greater than who we are and meaningless without us; It is more powerful than our past, yet the foundation for our future. It has brought us here today to become one in the eyes of our family and friends, for all the days to come. Our love is the essence of our lives.

Good afternoon everyone, thank you all for being here today to witness the marriage of bride and groom. My name is Rev. Stephen van Basten and it is my pleasure to serve you all today. Bride, you look absolutely stunning and Groom, you look most dashing (or – and groom, you clean up reasonably well )

Bride and Groom, thank you for allowing me to officiate your wedding ceremony. I am thrilled to be spending the next 30 minutes with you all as we move through this happy, joyous and appropriately serious ceremony.

Today is a special day. Today two very individual people choose to officially join their lives. They choose to join their resources and create a future together. A future that they plan but also know is ambiguous. A future that will take them on a great adventure. The adventure of marriage and probably parenthood. And they have chosen each one of you individually to be here to witness it with them. Each one of you is special to them and in being here become even more a part of their lives.

Prayer Lord God, Thank you for every single moment of our lives, that has moved us to this point in time and space. We are thrilled to be here today. It has been a beautiful adventure and an incredible journey, and today we are ready to become one, to become a team, to become a partnership, to become a family. In Your eyes and the eyes of our family and friends.

Lord, we know that marriage is not something to enter lightly. And we know that a marriage certificate does not make a marriage. We are willing to work hard at this. We are willing to sacrifice for each other. We are willing to allow each other to be. To grow, to live and love and be human. To accept each other’s beauty and blemishes. To manage the ups and downs. To be there for each other for better or for worse. In good times and bad. We have been together for some time now Lord and we ask for your blessing today. Our families have blessed us with their approval. Our friends are thrilled for us. We are so ready. Thank you Father, for this wonderful moment. We are blessed and we are grateful. AMEN

Bride and Groom, today is your day. Take a deep breath and relax. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the intensity. Enjoy the company. I believe a wedding should be a happy and joyous occasion shared with the people you care about most. Later on we will get more serious as you share the words that will finally make you husband and wife.

Firstly, I am required to ask everyone present if you know any reason why Bride and Groom should not be lawfully joined together in marriage? If so, to declare it now, or else forever hold your peace. Is anyone already married to bride?  Are you all sure they are not brother and sister? 

Bride and Groom, do either of you know of any legal impediment why you may not be married to each other? Bride and Groom answer, “No”. And do you call on all here present to witness your vows to each other?” Bride and Groom answer, “Yes”.

Minister’s message What is marriage all about? Firstly, marriage is different to everyone. It is a deeply personal agreement between two people. There really are no two identical marriages and there really are no rights and wrongs. All we have is a sometimes nebulous common set of societal guidelines. My first strong suggestion to you both today is: While positive role models are important and often it’s the failures that know the pitfalls. So listen intently to everyone’s story but don’t try to be like any other couple on earth. You are both 100% individual and your marriage will be 100% unique.

To me the miracle of today is that of the 7 billion people in the world, you two found each other. And of the potential partners you have had the opportunity of considering, you CHOSE each other, and that, is very special. The Universe has brought both of you to this point in time and space. From this point onwards, this is who you are: Married. Committed. Monogamous.

To be married, you have to give up certain rights (for example, your right to hold someone else’s hand at the movies), and you gain certain rights (the promise that your partner will also not hold someone else’s hand at the moves). But please take one piece of advice from me today, I assure you with 100% conviction that you are both different as well as the same. You have things you will agree on, and things you will not. You both have wonderful as well has horrible traits. There are and will be differing values, differing wants and needs, and differing expectations of yourselves and each other. You will generally see things from your own paradigm.

People often ask me what the key to my 21 year marriage is and I flippantly answer, “Luck”. Most probably because I am so grateful. And when they ask me how we managed to make 21 years of marriage I tell them it’s simple. Just don’t get divorced and it kind of creeps up on you. 

But the reality is that for a marriage to last, you have to successfully navigate some stages:  The Courtship Phase  The Honeymoon Stage  The Getting to know you Properly stage  Then the True Love Stage  And finally Growing Old Together

I want to elaborate on the True Love Stage, Scott Peck defines Love as one’s willingness to expend energy for another’s Spiritual growth. Dr. Demartini defines love as occurring at the cusp of challenge and support – you see we need both unconditional as well as tough love in any relationship. I define friendship as when you know someone fully, both their light and dark side, and are still able to accept them for who they are. The True Love Stage can only come with time. It’s when you fall out of infatuation and into reality. When you see each other for what you really are, warts and all, and still remain friends through thick and thin.

So, my second piece of advice is; firstly, accept yourself for who you are. Then accept your partner for who they are. Then please, don’t try to change each other! Become and remain best friends always. Don’t take each other for granted. Don’t rest on your laurels. Marriage is a beginning, not an end. Recognise that as with ANY relationship you have ever had in your life this one will also have serious ups and downs.

To me, marriage is about Taking someone you love with you on this incredible journey called life. Pooling financial, emotional, physical, and mental resources, and reaching out to create a more fulfilling existence. Having a constant companion; a friend to talk to. Someone to use as a sounding board and someone to share your stresses with. A best friend to grow old with.”

Optional:  Unity Candle (supplied by couple) 51

 Sand Ceremony (supplied by couple)  Hymn or Song of your choice  Bible Reading of your choice  Christening of child  Include older kids (still living with you)  Some words from me about you as a couple

Before Bride and Groom share their wedding vows, let us enjoy a short poem:

OPTION 1: ‘The Wedding Vow’ - by Rebecca W You are not the air that I breathe, you are the sweet scent that drifts upon it. You are not the sounds that I hear, you are the music of my life. You are not the food that I need, you are the nourishment of my soul. You are not my will to survive, you are my reason for living. It is with you that I experience the wonders of the world. It is with you that I triumph over the challenges in my path. It is your partnership that will lead me to the fulfillment of my dreams. It is your friendship that guides me as I learn and grow. It is your patience and wisdom that calms my restless nature. It is through you that I know my true self. I do not take you for granted, I cherish you. I do not need you, I choose you. I choose you today in witness of all the people who love us. I choose you tomorrow in the privacy of our hearts. I choose you in strength and weakness. I choose you in health and in sickness. I choose you in joy and sorrow. I will choose you, over all others, every day for all the days of my life.

OPTION 2: A Bride and Groom sent me this stunning poem about relationships. It is an indication of their maturity and a sure sign that they are not entering this marriage with unrealistic expectations of each other and their partnership.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy; yell when he

52 makes you mad and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ― Bob Marley When I saw it was Bob Marley I wondered if maybe we should also sporadically smoke some of the green stuff, it seems to have made him quite wise...... 

Bride and Groom, you have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you will say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same. For after today you shall say to the world – This is my husband and this is my wife.

Bride and Groom share traditional vows Before Bride and Groom share their vows, I would love to invite all of you who are already married to renew your vows when they do. And for those of you who wish to be married and are still patiently waiting for that perfect partner, I have a foolproof piece of advice for you. If all else fails, lower your standards! ”

“Who has the rings?” Best man replies, “I do”, comes forward and hands ring to Minister.

These rings are circles and they represent eternity, no beginning and no end. 53

Today I ask you to see your marriage the same way. They are also made of precious metal. I ask you both that whenever you look at them, remember the precious moments you have spent together.

Groom, in the presence of God and before all here present, do you take Bride to be your lawfully wedded wife? Groom –“I do”

May I offer you the ring you have brought for Bride? Groom please place the ring on Bride’s finger and repeat after me:

I Groom, Take you Bride to be my lawfully wedded wife. I promise to love you. Comfort you. And forsaking all others be faithful to you. For better or worse, Richer or poorer, In sickness and in health, To love and to cherish. All the days of our lives.

Bride, in the presence of God and before all here present, do you take Groom to be your lawfully wedded Husband? Bride – “I do”

May I offer you the ring you have brought for Groom? Bride, please place the ring on Groom’s finger and repeat after me:

I Bride, Take you Groom to be my lawfully wedded Husband. I promise to love you. Comfort you. And forsaking all others be faithful to you. For better or worse, Richer or poorer, In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. All the days of our lives.

Optional: Groom, please share your personal vows. Bride, please share your personal vows

Bless the union (prayer) Option 1 Oh God, Look down on Bride your daughter who today is united in marriage to Groom. Give her patience, kindness, gentleness and understanding that she may be a good wife. Look upon Groom, your son, who today takes Bride as his wife. Give him courage, perseverance, tolerance and strength that he may be a good husband. Grant both of them Lord, your love and your peace so that the home they build together may be a place of warmth and refuge for both of them and a source of happiness for others. And may they

54 grow old together in love, and after sharing the joys of marriage here on earth, may they enjoy the heavenly banquet with you in heaven. AMEN.

Option 2 Bless this marriage, O God, as Bride and Groom begin their journey down the road of life together. We don't know what lies ahead for the road turns and bends, but help them to make the best of whatever comes their way. Help them to hold each other often, talk and laugh a lot. Help them to continue to enjoy each other as they did when they first met. Help them to realise that nothing and no one is perfect and to look for the good in all things and all people including themselves. Help them to respect each other's likes and dislikes, opinion and beliefs, hopes and dreams and fears. Help them to learn from each other and to help each other to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Help them to realise that there is design and purpose in their lives as in the world, and if they will hold onto each other, they will know that things have a way of working out for the good. Help them to create for their children a peaceful, stable home of love as a foundation on which they can build their lives. But most of all, dear God, help them to keep lit, the torch of love' that they now share in their hearts, so that by their loving example they may pass on the light of love to their children and to their children's children forever. AMEN

Declaration Bride and Groom have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They have declared their marriage by the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings. I declare that Bride and Groom have been lawfully and spiritually married and proclaim that they are now, husband and wife!

You may now kiss the bride.

Minister offers cell phone to couple and says, “Would you like to update your facebook status quickly or can we move on?” 

Ladies and Gentlemen, May I present Mr. and Mrs. …………………..!!!!

Bride and Groom, my last words to you today are the following:

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Exit option 1 Ladies and gentlemen, please may I ask you all to remain seated while Bride and Groom sign the register? They will then leave first, followed by the bridal party and then the immediate family. They will be waiting at the door to greet you all as you walk past. Would you then congregate outside and prepare to congratulate them with petals and more well wishes?

Exit option 2 Ladies and gentlemen, please may I ask you all to leave while Bride and Groom sign the register? They will meet you all outside where you can greet them with petal and well wishes. Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for your kind attention today. That concludes my part of today’s blessed proceedings. Enjoy the evening, travel carefully and count your blessings.

Wedding Ceremony Blueprint 2 – less traditional with hand-fasting

Minister: Others would ask at this time, who gives the in marriage, but, as a woman is not property to be bought or sold, given or taken, I ask simply if she comes of her own will and if she has her family’s blessing. Bride, is it true that you come of your own free will and accord? Bride: Yes, it is true. Minister: With whom do you come and whose blessings accompany you? Father: She comes with me, her father, and is accompanied by all her family’s blessings. Minister: Good afternoon family and friends. I am Rev. Stephen van Basten, and it is my pleasure to serve you all today. Bride you look stunning. Groom, you look most dashing.

We have come together here in celebration of the joining together of Bride and Groom. Marriage is a bond to be entered into only after considerable thought and reflection. As with any aspect of life, it has its cycles, its ups and downs, its trials and triumphs. With full understanding of this, Bride and Groom have come here today to be joined as one in marriage. Firstly, I am required to ask everyone present if you know any reason why Bride and Groom should not be lawfully joined together in marriage? If so, to declare it now; or forever hold your peace.

Bride and Groom: Please join hands and listen to what I am about to say.

Above you are the stars, below you are the stones and as time passes, remember…. Like a stone should your love be firm, like a star should your love be constant. Let the powers of the mind and of the intellect guide you in your marriage, let the strength of your wills bind you together, let the power of love and desire make you happy, and the strength of your dedication make you inseparable. Be close, but not too close. Possess one another, yet be understanding. Have patience with one another, for storms will come, but they will pass

58 quickly. Be free in giving affection and warmth. Have no fear and let not the ways of the unenlightened give you unease, for God is with you always.

Before we allow Bride and Groom to share vows and rings we have one special ceremony to complete.

Hand fasting Ceremony Back in earlier years, the hands would be bound with whatever was available - vines, colourful cords or a piece of cloth. Today we use this sash to symbolize the binding, or promises.

(Blessing of the hands – HOLD HANDS) These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes. Tears of sorrow and joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness and hold you when fear or grief racks your mind. These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through the difficult times. These are the hands that will give you support and encourage you to chase your dreams. Together, everything can be realized.

Minister: (to Groom.) Groom will you be Bride’s faithful partner for life? Groom: Yes. Minister: (to Bride.) Bride will you be Groom’s faithful partner for life? Bride: Yes. Minister: (to Both.) Will you be each other’s constant friends and one true love? Both: Yes (the sash is wrapped around the couples wrist once) Minister: (to Groom.) Groom, do you promise to love Bride without reservation? Groom: Yes. Minister: (to Bride.) Bride, do you promise to love Groom without reservation? Bride: Yes. Minister: (to Both.) Will both of you stand by one another in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty? Both: Yes (the sash is wrapped around the couples hands once) Minister: (to Groom.) Groom, will you stand together with Bride through times of joy and sorrow? Groom: Yes.

Minister: (to Bride.) Bride, will you stand together with Groom through times of joy and sorrow? Bride: Yes. Minister: (to Both.) Will you share the burdens of each other so that your spirits may grown in this union Both: Yes, we will (the sash is wrapped around the couples hands once) Minister: (to Groom.) Groom, will you always be open and honest with Bride, for as long as you both shall live? Groom: Yes. Minister: (to Bride.) Bride, will you always be open and honest with Groom, for as long as you both shall live? Bride: Yes. Minister: (to Both.) Will you dream together, to create new realities and hopes for this marriage? Both: Yes, we will (and so the promise is made, the sash is wrapped around the couples hands once) Minister: (to Groom.) Groom, will you honour this woman? Groom: Yes. Minister: (to Bride.) Bride, will you honour this man? Bride: Yes. Minister: (to Both.) Will you both seek to cherish and strengthen that honour? Both: We will (the sash is wrapped around the couples hands once) Minister: (removes the sash while saying.)

The knots of this binding are not formed by this sash but instead by your vows. Either of you may drop the cord, for as always, you hold in your own hands the making or breaking of this union.

Blessing and Ring Exchange Minister: Bride and Groom will now exchange wedding vows and rings. In the token of the vows that you are about to make, will you give each other the right hand. Minister: The vows you are about to take, are to be made in the name of God who knows all your secrets of your hearts. Minister: Who holds the rings? Best Man: I do (displays the rings and holds them up to be blessed)

Minister: Let us all bless these rings. These rings are circles, symbols that remind us of the sun, the earth and the universe. Symbols of holiness, of perfection and peace … that which has no beginning and no end. And so, in this moment let us bring our blessing to these rings so that they may remain symbols of unity and commitment. Grant that the love which Bride and Groom have for each other now, may always be as unending as these rings.

Minister: These are the rings that Bride and Groom will wear for the rest of their lives that express the love that they have for one another. Let us take a moment and send our prayers, our thoughts and our love to these rings, so that, as they were them, they will carry our love with them as well. Minister: Groom, I have not the right to bind you to Bride, only you have this right. If it be your wish, say so and at this time place your ring in her hand. Groom: It is my wish. (Places ring) Minister: Bride, if it be your wish for Groom to be bound to you, place the ring on his finger. Bride: (places the ring on Groom’s left ring finger.) With this ring, I thee wed, let it ever be a symbol of my love. Minister: Bride, I have not the right to bind you to Groom, only you have this right. If it be your wish, say so and at this time place your ring in his hand. Bride: It is my wish. (Places ring) Minister: Groom, if it be your wish for Bride to be bound to you, place the ring on her finger. Groom: (places the ring on Bride’s left ring finger.) With this ring, I thee wed, let it ever be a symbol of my love. Minister: (to Groom.) Repeat after me… I (Groom) Do hereby declare that I know of no reason, Why I may not be lawfully married to (Bride) And I accordingly call upon these persons here present, To witness that I (Groom) Take you (Bride) To be my lawfully wedded wife. Minister: (to Bride.) Repeat after me… I (Bride) Do hereby declare that I know of no reason, Why I may not be lawfully married to (Groom) And I accordingly call upon these persons here present, To witness that I (Bride) Take you (Groom) To be my lawfully wedded husband.

Minister: Bride and Groom have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They have declared their marriage by the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings. By the Spiritual Powers vested in me and In the presence of God and before this congregation, I declare that Bride and Groom have been lawfully and spiritually married. May your love so endure that its flame remains a guiding light unto you. Those, whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder. You may now kiss the bride! Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Mr. & Mrs. ______

May I now call on Mother in Law to present the Sash to Bride

Wedding Ceremony options – Unity candle and older children

Unity Candle We now move into the Unity Candle ceremony. I would like to call on the Mothers to light the small candles and hand them to Bride and Groom to light the main candle. The lighting of this one candle symbolises not only the joining of the families but also the joining of Bride and Grooms lives into one path together.

There is a Child who will share in this marriage. The gathering of this new family will have a deep influence upon him. It will both complicate and enrich his life. He will also have much to contribute to this new family. We realize that in order for the home to be a happy one, it is essential that there be love and understanding between the child and the adults being married. Minister to Bride and Groom: Is your love for each other broad enough to include [Child’s Name] and deep enough to honour His presence in this marriage and to pledge yourselves to love and care for Him? Bride and Groom: We will. Minister to Child: [Childs name] you are a very important part of this new marriage. Bride and Groom give you their unconditional love and honour your presence in their lives and marriage. Your life will be touched by the union being made here today. Your participation is requested to help develop the bonds of this new family.

Just like Bride and Groom have exchanged their vows in marriage, we ask from you also a promise. That you will join together to support the family, and that you will help create a home and a way of life in which all of you can grow into the best people you can be. Will 62 you promise to do your best to help make a happy and successful home for all of you by your love, cooperation and understanding?"

[Childs answers]: I will

Wedding Ceremony options – with short baptism

Minister: There is a child who will share in this marriage. The gathering of this new family will have a deep influence upon it. It will both complicate and enrich their lives. Minister to Bride and Groom: Is your love for each other broad enough to include [Baby’s name] and deep enough to honour their presence in this marriage and to pledge yourselves to love and care for them? Bride and Groom: Yes. Minister: And do you wish to honour the child in today’s proceedings by including a short naming or christening ceremony. Bride and Groom: We do. Minister: What do you name this child? Bride and Groom: [Baby’s name] And do you promise to support [Baby’s name] Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, Socially, Financially as well as spiritually? Bride and Groom: We do. Minister: Do you promise to guide [Baby’s name] as best you can and then simply honour and support his/her religious choices? Bride and Groom: We do. Minister: We now call on [Baby’s name]’s Godparent [Godparent’s name] to share his/her promise to [Baby’s name]. We now call on [Baby’s name]’s other Godparent [Godparent’s name] to share his/her promise to [Baby’s name]. We call upon God Almighty to bless [Baby’s name] this day. To guide [Baby’s name] upon his/her intended path. To bring [Baby’s name] all of him/her necessary life experiences and soul unfoldment, and to give Bride and Groom the correct balance of unconditional and tough love to best guide [Baby’s name] upon his/her path.

AMEN Wedding Ceremony Blueprint – more religious with Jewish breaking of glass

Prayer: Please join us in an opening prayer:

We come before You God now thankful for your blessings and the wonderful occasion that has brought us together. We pray that You will bless us this day as we have gathered to unite Bride and Groom as husband and wife. We are thankful that so many of their family and friends are able to be here to witness this ceremony and to share in their joy. We pray that these proceedings will have Your blessing and that all we do this day, and every day, will bring You honor and glory. In the Lords name we pray. Amen

Bridesmaids and Best Men sit.

Minister: “Out of affection for Bride and Groom, we are gathered here in the presence of God and this company to witness and bless the exchanging of vows that will bind them together in the holy relationship of marriage. When this ceremony has ended, they will leave as husband and wife having been joined together by the God of heaven.

To this moment Bride and Groom bring the fullness of their hearts as a treasure to share with one another. They bring the dreams that will bind them together. They bring that personality and spirit which is uniquely their own, out of which will grow the reality of their life together.

Today Bride and Groom make a huge statement to the Universe and that statement will be tested. Please remember that some of the responsibility of the success in this marriage lies with each one of us here today.

Bride and Groom have invited us all here today to share this special moment and witness their vows to make this marriage last. We as their friends and family, have a responsibility to assist them with this task. So in future, when the valleys arrive and Bride and Groom come to us for assistance, it is us that must raise their vision back to the mountain tops of bliss and pleasure, which are bound to return.

I have been married for 21 years and been with Jacqui for 25. We have a beautiful 18 year daughter, Victoria. We have found great pleasure and personal development there. You see, the reality of marriage, like everything worthwhile in life, is that it takes a lot of hard work to succeed. But that hard work is OH so rewarding. I want you to remember that your relationship is a progression. There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” For you, Bride and Groom, your wedding today is an exquisite and beautifully choreographed first step. With it, you are passing through a portal that will lead you to

64 many places, including ones you cannot possibly imagine. Wherever it takes you, there will be surprises — for this is a mark of a truly loving and long lasting relationship.

Therefore, along with celebrating the joyous feelings of today, remember, especially when saying your vows, that you are promising to love for the long and ambiguous future. If you will remember this commitment you are making today, instead of bowing down or bowing out when difficulties arise, you will be able to ride out any stormy times with confidence, knowing that those cloud-filled skies are but temporary, and not a reflection on your relationship as a whole. Above all, in the days and years that lie ahead; remember that love is what matters. Love will prevail. It is the love you have for one another that will be the answer to all your difficulties. If in marrying, you have chosen well and promised wisely, love will be stronger than any conflict, bigger than any changes. It is to love — to the love you are celebrating and radiating today — that you must always return.

The apostle Paul spoke of this love and its characteristics in 1 Corinthians 13 when he said, “Love suffers long and is kind; Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, Is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, Does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in Pride ; Bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails.”

Bride and Groom, allow your love to grow and blossom. Allow it to cause you to draw closer to each other, for your marriage should be the union of two lives into one. Let your two hearts beat as one — work together, walk together, bear each other’s burdens and share each other’s joys. Be friendly, loving and tender-hearted and cherish the relationship and commitment you are establishing this day. I pray that God will look down favorably upon you and the union you are forming today. May He shower you with blessings. May your life together be long and happy.

Vows and Exchanging of Rings Into this holy union Bride and Groom now come to be joined. If any of you can show just cause why they may not lawfully be married, speak now or else forever hold your peace.

Minister: Bride, please take Groom’s right hand and say your vows Groom, please take Bride’s hand and say your vows Bride, will you have this man to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in

65 health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live? If so, signify by saying, “I will.” Bride: “I will.” Minister: Groom, will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, Be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? If so, signify by saying, “I will.” Groom: “I Will” Minister: The wedding ring signifies to all the uniting of this man and woman in holy matrimony and symbolizes the never-ending nature of their love. (To the best man) “May I have the ring please?” “Groom, place the ring on Bride’s finger and then repeat after me. Bride, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you.” (To the best man) “May I have the ring please?” “Bride, place the ring on Groom’s finger and then repeat after me. Groom, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you.”

Prayer Dear Lord we pray that You will now look down upon Bride and Groom, and the union they are forming today. May they start this relationship with much love and may their love grow and flourish. May they realise the serious nature of their vows and that their commitment is not only to one another but to You. Our Father, bless them with much happiness, strengthen them in times of adversity and keep them always in Your care. May their love for you and for one another grow and abound. In the name of The Lord, our blessed Redeemer, we pray. Amen

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14

Breaking of the Glass “We conclude the ceremony today with the breaking of the glass. There have been many stories explaining the breaking of the glass. The historical origin is said to have been a wedding feast which Rabbi Ashi had made for his son, and when he noticed that the

rabbis were boisterous, he brought a cup of white glass and smashed it before them and immediately they sobered. “So, it is said ‘Where there is rejoicing, there should be trembling.’ A wedding should not be sheer undisciplined merriment, and the breaking of expensive glass stunned the guests into tempering their gaiety.

For those of us here today, it serves to remind us of several very important aspects of a marriage. The bride and groom and everyone should consider these marriage vows as an irrevocable act, just as permanent and final as the breaking of this glass is unchangeable. The shattered glass also reminds us how fragile life and love can be. That sometimes a single thoughtless act, breach of trust, or marital misstep, can damage a marriage in ways that are very difficult to undo, just as it would be difficult to undo the breaking of the glass.

The breaking of the glass also symbolises a break with the past. That the marriage is to last as long as the glass remains broken; forever. Jewish men may also joke at the wedding that this is the last time the groom gets to 'put his foot down'!”

“(Name), please come forward with the glass. Ladies and gentlemen, I am very happy to present Mr. and Mrs. …………….. Groom breaks the glass and congregation toast, “Mazzeltoff!!”

Wedding Ceremony options – thoughts on love and marriage Allow me share some of my thoughts on love and marriage: Scott peck defines love as: “One’s willingness to expend energy for another’s personal growth”

On Marriage ( Kahlil Gibran) You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Some couples like to add my 15 tips on a successful marriage. See chapter 26.

Wedding Ceremony Blueprint – More religious

TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM Bride and Groom, this is the time that you have chosen to become husband and wife. We are here not only to witness your commitment to each other, but to wish you every happiness in your future life together. Marriage is founded on sincerity and understanding which leads to tolerance, confidence and trust. We believe that those qualities which have attracted you both to each other can be best developed during a life spent together. A happy marriage will enable you to establish a home with love and stability where your family and friends will always be welcome.

Marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of two hearts, the union of two lives into one and your marriage must stand, not by the authority of the state, nor by the seal on your wedding certificate, but by the strength and power of the faith and love you have in one another. The reality is that marriage, like everything worthwhile in life, takes a lot of hard work to succeed. But that hard work can be so rewarding. I would like to ask all of you to remember falling in love. The first date, the first kiss, the proposal, your beautiful wedding day. What you love about each other. How you balance each other out. How your differences make you a team. And please to remember that some of the responsibility of the success in this marriage lies with each one of us here today. Bride and Groom have invited us all here today to share this special moment and witness their vows to make this marriage last. We as their friends and family have a responsibility to assist them with this task. So in future, if and when times get tough and Bride and

Groom come to us for assistance, that you help them to remember the promises that were made on this day and remind them of the love that is felt for each other.

Bride and Groom you must always remember the 4 keys to a successful marriage:

Key 1: Give 100 Percent True Love is giving without expecting anything in return. When 2 people both give 100% you have a strong bond. A strong overlap that is going to guarantee flexibility and the ability to cope with crises and problems.

Key 2: Honour and Respect Your Spouse Don’t sweat the small stuff. Look for and appreciate the positive values you find in each other. Give each other special gifts. Listen carefully. Express gratitude. And use common courtesy in your words and tone of voice.

Key 3: Set a Positive Example Remember that you cannot change another person against his or her will. But you can change yourself. We all have God given responsibilities in our marriage. God tells us, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself to her”.

Key 4: Communicate in Love Effective communication means effective listening as well as speaking. We should listen for understanding. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Try to understand the other person’s feelings and needs. Demonstrate respect by giving your full attention.

A marriage requires work, effort and continual nourishment to be successful. It means giving all you can to fulfil your God given responsibilities as a husband or as a wife. There will be obstacles, differences and even conflicts but with God’s help, you can improve your marriage and even save it when it is in danger.

Therefore, along with celebrating the joyous feelings of today, remember, especially when saying your vows, that you are promising to love for the long and ambiguous future. If you will remember this commitment you are making today, Instead of bowing down or bowing out when difficulties arise, You will be able to ride out any stormy times with confidence Knowing that those cloud-filled skies are but temporary And not a reflection on your relationship as a whole. Above all, in the days and years that lie ahead; remember that love is what matters. Love will prevail. It is the love you have for one another that will be the answer to all your difficulties.

If in marrying, you have chosen well and promised wisely, love will be stronger than any conflict, bigger than any changes. It is to love — to the love you are celebrating and radiating today — that you must always return.

Bride and Groom have chosen a few verses to represent the nature of the love they have for each other and the hope they have for all of you: ‘Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.’

Bride and Groom, allow your love to grow and blossom. Allow it to cause you to draw closer to each other for your marriage should be the union of two lives into one. Let your two hearts beat as one — work together, walk together, bear each other’s burdens and share each other’s joys. Be friendly, loving and tender-hearted and cherish the relationship and commitment you are establishing this day. I pray that God will look down favourably upon you and the union you are forming today. May He shower you with blessings and may your life together be long and happy.”

Minister to Groom: “Groom, In the presence of God and His son, our Savior, Jesus Christ and before all here present, do you take Bride to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Groom - “I do”. Repeat for bride

Ceremony options – with quirky poem and remembering passed loved one Oh the Places you’ll Go – by Dr Seuss

"Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the couple who’ll decide where to go. You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care. About some you will say, “We don’t choose to go there.” With your heads full of brains and your shoes full of feet, 70

you’re too smart to go down, any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air, Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to great heights! You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have all the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang, and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don’t. Because sometimes, you won’t. You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with so many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with great care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

KIDS, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So, be your name Buxbaum or Dowrie or Bass or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So … get on your way!"

A Verse in remembrance

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too, I think of you in silence I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

Here is a brilliant quote I came across: Dr. Seuss again: “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness— and call it love—true love.”

Wedding Ceremony Options “Let me share some of my thoughts on love and marriage:

Scott peck defines love thusly: “One’s willingness to expend energy for another’s personal growth”. I love this definition because it goes beyond chemistry, sex and selfishness into pure friendship and caring. I believe that the meaning of life is to GROW. I believe that God sends us trials and tribulations to grow us. And this definition of Love points to the beauty of assisting another to grow.

I sent Bride and Groom the following poem. It is my favourite piece of inspiration and they asked me to read it today. I truly believe that if we were more like this, planet earth would be a better place and our relationships, including marriages, would be greatly enhanced. I have never read this without crying and I doubt today will be the first.”

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. 72

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own. If you can dance with wildness, And let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, To be realistic, To remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, And still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, Weary and bruised to the bone, And do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Wedding Ceremony Blueprint 10 – Very Pagan

The area would be swept clean of negativity before the ceremony starts by the presiding Minister. The circle would be formed on the ground using either crystals or stones – A 73 circle large enough to hold the entire wedding party. Candles will be placed at the four major points. The presiding Minister will ring a bell three times to indicate the start of the ceremony. We will approach the circle from the East, walk around it once and enter from the East.

Ceremony: Minister: May the place of this marriage be consecrated, for we are gathered here in the ritual of love and bliss with two who would be married. Be with us, O beings of Air. With your clever fingers, tie closely the bonds between these two. The two symbolic gift rings will now be tied together with a ribbon, looped over the wand and placed on the altar. [Elemental 1]

Minister: Be with us, O beings of Fire. Give their love and passion your all-consuming ardor. The incense will be lit from the candles and placed on the altar. [Elemental 2]

Minister: Be with us, O beings of Water and let joy flow forever for Bride and Groom. Be with us, O beings of Earth and ground deep the roots of their love. Blessed Goddess and Merry God, we ask that you give to these before us your love and protection. Blessed Be!

Minister: “We have come together here in celebration of the joining together of Bride and Groom. Marriage is a bond to be entered into only after considerable thought and reflection. As with any aspect of life, it has its ups and its downs, its trials and its triumphs. Understanding this, Bride and Groom have come here today to be joined as one in marriage. Others would ask, at this time, “Who gives the Bride in marriage”, but, as a woman is not property to be bought and sold, given and taken, I ask simply if she comes of her own will. Bride, is it true that you come of your own free will and accord?” Bride “Yes, it is true.”

Minister: “Please join hands with your betrothed and listen to that which I am about to say. Above you are the stars, below you are the stones, as time passes, remember - Like a rock shall your love be firm. Like a star shall your love remain constant. Possess one another, but always be understanding. Have patience with one another always, for storms will come, but they will pass quickly. Give each other love as often as possible. Love of the body, the mind and the spirit. Have no fear and let not the ways of the unenlightened give you unease, For the Goddess and the God is with you always, Now and forever.”

Hand-fasting Minister – Bride, Will you cause her pain? Bride – I may. 74

Minister – Is that your intent? Bride – No. Minister – Groom, Will you cause him pain? Groom – I may. Minister – Is that your intent? Groom – No. Minister – Will you share each other’s pain and seek to ease it? Together – Yes. Minister – And so the binding is made, join hands.

Bride and Groom join hands, the Minister drapes the first cord across them. [Elemental 3] Minister – Will you share in her laughter? Bride – Yes. Minister – Will you share in his laughter? Groom – Yes. Minister – Will both of you look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other? Together – Yes. Minister – And so the binding is made

The second cord is draped across the hands of the couple. Minister – Will you burden her? Bride – I may. Minister – Is that your intent? Bride – No. Minister – Will you burden him? Groom – I may. Minister – Is that your intent? Groom – No. Minister - Will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union? Together – Yes. Minister – And so the binding is made.

The third cord is draped across the hands of the couple. Minister – Will you share her dreams? Bride – Yes. Minister – Will you share his dreams? Groom – Yes. Minister – Will you dream together to create new realities and hopes? Together – Yes. Minister – And so the binding is made.

The fourth cord is draped across the couple’s hands. Minister – Will you cause her anger? Bride – I may. Minister – Is that your intent? Bride – No. Minister – Will you cause him anger? Groom – I may. Minister – Is that your intent? Groom – No. Minister – Will you take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union? Together – We will. Minister – And so the binding is made.

The fifth cord is draped across the couple’s hands. Minister – Will you honour her? Bride – Yes. Minister – Will you honour him? Groom – Yes. Minister – Will you never seek to give cause to break that honour? Together – We shall never do so. Minister – And so the binding is made.

The sixth cord is draped across the couple’s hands.

The Minister ties the cords together whilst saying: Minister: The knots of this binding are not formed by these chords, but instead by your vows. Either of you may drop the chords, for as always, you hold in your own hands the making or breaking of this union.

Bride, I have not the right to bind thee to Groom, only you have this right. If it be your wish, say so at this time and place your ring in her hand. Bride: It is my wish.

Minister: Groom, if it be your wish for Bride to be bound to you, Place the ring on his finger. (Places ring on Bride's left ring finger) [Elemental 4 brings ring]

Groom I have not the right to bind thee to Bride only you have this right. If it be your wish, say so at this time and place your ring in his hand. Groom: It is my wish.

Minister: Bride, if it be your wish for Groom to be bound to you,

Place the ring on her finger. Places ring on Groom’s left ring finger. [Elemental 4 brings ring]

Minister to Bride “Repeat after me: I, (Bride), in the name of the spirit of God that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee (Groom) to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one. To desire thee and be desired by thee, to possess thee, and be possessed by thee, without sin or shame, for naught can exist in the purity of my love for thee. I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again. I shall not seek to change thee in any way. I shall respect thee, thy beliefs, thy people, and thy ways as I respect myself.”

Repeat for Groom.

By the power vested in me by the Goddess and the God, I now pronounce you husband and wife. May your love so endure that its flame remains a guiding light unto you. Groom and Bride kiss and exchanges symbolic gifts.

Now we ring the bells and it is proclaimed – this ritual is done.

The bell is rung three times. [Minister] The married couple then goes clockwise around the circle, greeting friends and family

CHAPTER 17 - Wedding poems

Author’s tip: Google wedding poems and you will find millions of options

Marriage is a commitment to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing & growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a spiritual and an emotional joining and is promised for a lifetime. Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other’s best friend Confidant, lover, teacher, listener and critic. Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, but passes away more quickly. Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes that life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life. When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a bond unique to themselves which binds them closer Than any written or spoken word.

TRUE LOVE - By Author Unknown True love is a sacred flame that burns eternally and none can dim its special glow or change its destiny. True love speaks in tender tones and hears with gentle ear. True love gives with open heart and true love conquers fear. True love makes no harsh demands. It neither rules nor binds and true love holds with gentle hands the hearts that it entwines.

From Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - by Louis Bernieres Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

On Marriage - Kahlil Gibran You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of 78 the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart. And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

WHAT IS LOVE? ~ Author Unknown ~ Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favourite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all - one known only by those who love.

(Blessing of the hands – HOLD HANDS)

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes. Tears of sorrow and joy. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness and hold you when fear or grief racks your mind. These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through the difficult times. These are the hands that will give you support and encourage you to chase your dreams. Together, everything can be realized.

CHAPTER 18 - Wedding vows (Sponsored by Mizmundo Honeymoon Travel)

Author’s tip: Google wedding vows and you will find millions of options

Option 1 With this ring I give you my heart. I promise from this day forward, you shall not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home.

Option 2 Groom will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? If so, signify by saying, “I will.”

Option 3 I promise to love you, and although I know my love is flawed, because I am human and thus flawed, Yet shall I strive to love you fully, Yet shall I reach out to love you, as the Divine Being that you are.

Option 4 I pledge to give as much as I take, to love you as you are, to not try to make you more like me, To support your decisions unselfishly, to be that which you are not and to bring that which you lack.

Option 5 Today I step into the fire with you. The fire of continuous progress, sold unfoldment and self-actualization. I know that the perfection of the universe will bring us the tests and obstacles we require to grow. I pledge to just be there with you. Alongside you, behind you, sometimes ahead for you. Merely encouraging you and supporting you. Allowing you to become YOU, in time and on time. So take my heart as you take my hand and as best friends and lovers, let us start this great journey together, that leads to who knows where.

Option 6 - Apache Vows Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.

Option 7 - Civil Vows Name, I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife). Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you, with all your faults and strengths, as I offer myself to you, with all my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

Chapter 19 – Managing your wedding day, on your wedding day

I cannot count the times I have uttered the following sentence: “John and Mary, now that you have signed the register, take a moment to be together, have a hug and a kiss before you go to meet your guests, this is the last time today you will spend quality time together.”

People often ask me if I have ever had a run-away bride or groom. NO not in 20 years. People often ask me if anyone has ever seriously objected to a marriage. NO not in 20 years.

I have had several brides call me up a week before the wedding to ask if they are making a mistake getting married. I have had several brides and grooms have a massive fall out in the days and weeks coming up to the wedding day. I have had a couple of brides and grooms having a humdinger of an argument at the wedding reception itself. I have even had a couple leave separately and almost break off the marriage just five hours after saying “I do”. I also refuse to do marriage coaching in the two months leading up to the wedding day.

You echo a million past brides when you say, “But Stephen, our wedding day should be the happiest day of our lives! It’s the day we get married. The day we have our family and friends all together in one place to witness our vows and then have a party with us!”

Here is the rub. Planning a wedding is stressful. Having a wedding is expensive. Agreeing on every detail is almost impossible! Keeping EVERYONE happy, a fantasy.

Very often, the bride has been looking forward to and planning this for years. The groom on the other hand, knows that one day he will be married and have some kids and has a vague perception that this will entail a wedding ceremony.

Very often the bride will want full participation from the groom. Very few men can achieve this to the required degree. 83

Going to a wedding expo and checking out all of the different stands, chatting to suppliers and seeing what’s new may be heaven for the bride and bridesmaid but torture for the groom.

While the bride sees a beautifully orchestrated day in exquisite surroundings, the groom wonders if the money would have been better spent on a good deposit on a house.

I suggest you simply realise your differences, accept each other and plan around it. Use a wedding budget and then agree on who does what. What you each need to do on your own, and what you agree to do together. Be patient with one another. Be kind to one another. This is about the two of you getting married. Don’t forget the Spiritual while you plan the material and physical aspects.

Now we add personalities. Everyone wants the best wedding for you. Unfortunately, everyone has a different vision of what a perfect wedding is. Everyone will want to add their view and give their opinion and everyone is correct – for them. I strongly suggest that you get emotionally strong here. Decide with your spouse what you want. Then ask lots of people what they suggest. Then tweak what you want together. You need to let everyone know that while their input is valuable, you retain the right to take it or leave it. Thank them profusely for caring and sharing and then use what you like.

This gets tricky when you add money. This version of the golden rule is often very true. “He who has the gold, makes the rules”. If your parents are paying for most of the wedding, they may feel that they have some rights as to how it is spent. On top of that, I predict that your wedding will cost you at least 50% and sometimes 100% more than your initial estimate. It’s difficult to ask dad for more money AND ignore his suggestions!

I often get brides asking me how to handle a meddling mother-in-law. This is tricky. You want the wedding your way but have a life-long relationship with mother-in-law and her son. To be honest, I don’t know what advice to give here. This one is incredibly tricky. Here is a thought. When you get to a situation where you cannot agree, generally someone will be angry or resentful. If you do it their way, you will be resentful on the day. If you do it

84 your way, they will be resentful. My advice; be selfish and let them be resentful on your wedding day.

I have observed that very often weddings, funerals and Christmas bring out the worst in families. They seem to magnify the family issues. On the one hand, the family rally together as a team while on the other hand, those irritating little foibles seem to re- surface. Fore-warned is fore-armed.

My friends, you cannot imagine the intensity of the wedding day. There are a million things going on. A million people doing things. A million thoughts going through your minds. A myriad of relationships tugging in opposite directions. Minister, DJ, Caterer, décor, flowers, drinks, petals, rings, photos, ID copies, candles, parents, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, acquaintances, groomsmen, bridesmaids, hair dresser, makeup artist, flower girls, ring bearer, wedding planner, wedding crashers and a whole lot more.

Now add all of the relationships and their requisite expectations. The bride and groom expect this to be the happiest day of their lives. It’s the day they become husband and wife. It’s all about them. They will revel in the attention of friends and family while being together most of the night. Not really! Actually, it’s also about the friends and family and they will all vie for your attention. On the way to the wedding a lot of people will comment to their partner, “Man, I wonder how long the minister is going to go on for? I hope he does not bore us for hours!” The groom and his groomsmen have a BOY relationship. They punch one another, heckle each other, play tricks and DRINK. The bride and her bridesmaids have a GIRLY friendship. The bride and groom will have a myriad of possible relationships with their parents, siblings, new parents in law and siblings in law. There could be people there you don’t know, people you don’t like, people who you wish could have made it and invariably, people who have passed before who you dearly wish were still around.

I suggest you do not add alcohol to this cocktail too soon. Especially if you have taken a prescribed calming tablet or tranquiliser! You have probably not eaten properly over the last couple of days. The chances are you have not slept well either. If you have just a sip too much alcohol before the wedding ceremony, you may be too zonked to actually be mentally present and if you take too many tranquilisers you may even miss you own

85 wedding even though you are present physically . I would rather you cried through the entire wedding than look at the minister with pupils that don’t dilate!

It is also an incredibly long day. You will be up early and leave late. It could be 15 to 18 hours long in total. You will be drained on many levels but mostly physically and emotionally. Everyone will want a piece of you. Everyone will want some time with you. The wedding planner will be directing you. There will be times when you are separated. Be prepared for this.

In closing. Your wedding day is exactly that. YOUR wedding day. Manage the process, don’t get bullied, try to include everyone, accept all input graciously and realise that it’s way bigger than you ever imagined. Once you have done all the planning, let go and allow it to happen. Invariably there will be a hiccup or two. Sort them out and move on. Above all, be prepared for an incredibly complex get together and then ENJOY it together.

Monthly countdown to the big day (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion)

Author’s tip: Do this…. And do it well.

After you announce your engagement  Sit down with your families and discuss everything from themes, colours, the number of guests, the budget and establish who pays for what  Start looking for venues and book as early as possible - including catering if needed  Decide on a honeymoon destination and book early to save costs  Decide whether you want to get married in a Church or Chapel. Find out what your Pastor or Minister requires and if they will marry you outside of the Church, if needed  Get quotes for photographers and videographers as they get booked out early  Look around for your dress - if you see something you love and it is on sale, rather buy it early than run the chance of not getting it.

Six months to go to your wedding  Ensure you order your wedding dress  Start getting quotes for the cake  Choose and order your bridesmaids and groomsmen’s outfits  Book hotel rooms for yourself and family if needed  Look around for invites that you like and get quotes  Get quotes for décor and flowers  Book makeup artist - this may seem early but the good ones are usually booked, as well as hair if you need a mobile hairdresser.

Four months to go to your wedding  Order wedding invitations  Order the wedding cake  Book décor and flower companies and pay deposits  Book a limousine or arrange other transportation.

Three months to go to your wedding  Send out your wedding invitations  Make sure all required documentation (legal, visas) has been completed and sent in  Choose your wedding rings  Meet with your lawyer to do the wedding contracts.

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 Touch base with your florist, caterers and anyone else providing you with a service for your wedding  Do hair and make-up trail.

One month to go to your wedding  Finalise your wedding accessories, such as bridal gown, jewellery, shoes etc.  Confirm hotel bookings for the wedding night, and the honeymoon  Ensure Minister or Marriage Officer is organising the marriage license otherwise you will need to organise this  Finalise seating arrangements  Confirm all your bookings and arrangements with all the providers. Make sure they all have the correct delivery addresses and times and an emergency contact number for the wedding day.

One week to go to your wedding  Confirm final head count and seating arrangements with caterer and venue  Meet with your photographer – give them a list of photographs you would like to be taken  Meet DJ to confirm specific song requirements.

The day before your Wedding  Hand the wedding rings into the care of the best man  Relax and have a good night’s sleep.

Chapter 21 - Planning your honeymoon (Courtesy of Angela Symons - Travel Counsellors)

Authors tip: Don’t leave it too long to plan your honeymoon. Start at the same time as you find your venue and set your wedding date. Once again, allow the professionals to assist you, they will probably save you more by knowing what to do and where to go than you can ever save trying to do it yourself.

1. If you have always dreamt of a certain honeymoon destination, it's important that you plan your wedding date around the best times to travel to that destination. For example, Zanzibar in April is rainy season - which probably won't be ideal! 2. Budget: Advise your travel agent of what you can comfortably afford, so they can match a honeymoon to suit. If available, I strongly recommend going all-inclusive. 3. Decide on a destination that will suit both of you. Do you simply want to relax, or would you prefer to explore and be active? Do you want to shop? Sightsee? Perhaps a cruise would work best, or a multi-centre holiday? Your travel agent can help! 4. Always advise your travel agent that you are honeymooners. You'd be amazed what they'll be able to arrange for you - from special treats to fantastic honeymoon discounts! Don't forget that a copy of your marriage certificate will be required upon check in. 5. Travel insurance is compulsory. Don't travel without it. 6. Honeymoon vouchers: Travel Counsellors offers a unique Honeymoon Gift Registry Service, which allows your wedding guests to make contributions towards your honeymoon. 7. Treat yourself: Always try to upgrade your hotel category or room type, as your quote will mostly be based on the lead in room category. It's your honeymoon - a time when deluxe rooms and suites have a knack of becoming available. After all, you'll probably want to spend more time in your room than normal! 8. If choosing an international cruise, avoid flying in to connect same day as the cruise departs. Think about booking a pre-cruise stay in the departure city, to give yourself plenty of time. 9. Book with a reputable travel agent - so you're protected if anything goes wrong. Travel Counsellors offer 100% financial protection, covering any and all supplier insolvency. 10. Surprise honeymoons are always exciting, but can become a nightmare if you haven't got the right visa! Ensure all passports are valid for 6 months after return date.

Chapter 22 - Financial Planning for Couples (Courtesy of Adam Helper, Discovery Financial Consultant)

Author’s tip: Fact: The greatest cause of divorce is money. Get a good financial adviser!

Okay so you’re engaged, congratulations, mazeltov – most importantly, well done! It was a huge decision to make and you’ve done well for taking the plunge. Being born into the Jewish faith, I was told that when I step on that glass under the altar on my wedding day, and break it - that this will be the last time I ever put my foot down. And almost 11 years later, I can understand that this indeed is the truth.

To be ‘successfully-married’ it takes lots of planning, just like any other big decision in life. Obviously step one is to make sure that your gut tells you it’s right. I’m big on gut-feelings. So much so, that I only dated Taryn, my wife, for 2 weeks before popping the question. Thankfully I wasn’t wrong. We were both working at the time, not really earning much money, but enough to pay for our own living costs. Quite frankly we didn’t really care where we landed up, all we wanted was to be together, even if it was in a shack. And the truth is, no matter how much one plans a wedding or a marriage – one can’t plan to the point of guarantee – one can only plan to a certain point and the rest is up to Him / The Universe / God or whatever Higher Power you might believe in. The romantic element of eloping or taking the plunge, irrespective of the financial outcome is cute, but let's get real - it doesn't have to be as difficult as it sometimes is financially, for newlyweds or newly 'committed/beloved'. Being in the physical world that we all live in, we have a certain element which happens to make it go round – money. I know it sounds cliché, but due to the fact that money does make the world go round, part of ‘planning’ for your big day, for the start of your unified journey.

"Authenticity is about being true to who you are, even when everyone around you wants you to be someone else", said the great basketball legend, Michael Jordan. When it comes to dealing with money and dealing with financial planning, like anything else life, you cannot adopt the same methods which might have worked decades or even years ago and expect them to yield the same awesome results they did back then. Times change, people change, needs change and expectations change, and financial planning needs to keep being refreshed around that. The nice thing with money is that it isn't really that complicated to make the right decisions. When I started this business, almost 9 years ago, I was not called a financial adviser, I was your everyday insurance-salesman. These days - due to the very reason I mention about times changing, the regulatory bodies and legislation makes it very difficult to just be the salesman. This is all in the best interests of the client, as thankfully it has cleaned up the industry. The only problem I had at the time with being referred to as a financial adviser, was that it was like as if we had all the answers, which is not necessarily the case. 92

What I can guarantee you is that, if you start planning financially when you are meant to start and stay in the minority who actually do it properly from the get-go, with somebody (a 2013 qualified financial adviser) of your similar age-group or life-stage who is in it for the long-hall you really can't go wrong these days. The abc of what one would look at financially when committing to their other half for the rest of their lives, in sickness and in health, until death do them part would firstly be the insurance element. There is the proof, straight out of the mouth of the minister/priest/rabbi/universalist in every religion on your big day - in sickness and in health till death do you part. Meaning, that any of these instances could happen throughout the marriage.

Wealth creation before wealth protection is totally incorrect, in my opinion. What I mean is, “what’s the point of saving for the long term, if something like death, disability or severe-illness happens to you along the way?”

That accumulated ‘saved’ value will be nowhere near the cover amounts which would pay out, should you need them. One of the more experienced brokers of my time always says, “Insurance is the only thing you can’t buy when you need it most”. When we look at starting a financial plan, we should be looking at immediate risks as a priority verses the risks we face towards the later stages of our lives. Healthcare should not be negotiable, for so many different reasons. The bottom line is, that depending on your specific requirements and needs, you don’t necessarily have to be on the top-end plan from the start. What I’m saying is that, even a hospital plan which covers all major in-hospital incidents in full would be a good grounding as the first step, especially for a young healthy couple who is only starting their financial journey as a unit. Step two would then be to look at the risks we could face at any point, which could have far more detrimental effects if not planned around. The fact is we are all human. There is no arguing that we are not immortal and anything could happen to us at any given time. The fear of what would happen in a tragic event can be reduced by simply having the peace of mind that the financial side of things will be unchanged. The bigger your bank account, the bigger your needs. Short-term insurance would be next, the need to insure your cars, household and the new gifts you’ve received and are mostly likely going to be receiving over the coming months / weeks. The first specified items most couples would mention in a short-term insurance policy, would be the beautiful engagement ring!

Everything with financial planning is working around your ever-changing life-stages. Once your boundaries are covered, i.e. all your insurance needs – we can start looking at creation instead of protection. Again, when you’re towards the end stages of your working life, i.e. your late 40’s to mid 50’s – it’s already too late to START planning for retirement.

You will need to work until you’re 95 years old if you only start to save then. So of course, saving for your old age will ensure that you and your spouse will have something to show for the beautiful and toiling years you spend working. You will genuinely fulfil the promise to each other, of growing old together.

What we are essentially saying is that part of the "I do" is making sure that should you or beloved encounter a life-changing event, that financially your journey together this world is smooth. Again, we can't stop it from happening, but we can certainly provide you the peace of mind, knowing that your significant other is truly going to be okay, in sickness and in health, till death do them part. Throughout your life you need to remember, that we can only work with the facts we have before us. We don’t know what tomorrow brings. In fact we just need to enjoy every day of our lives. A day is actually your entire life, in miniature. The fact is that you are human, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you're behind, the race is long - but in the end it's only with yourself.

Do it right, and do it with somebody who can provide you the best value for your hard- earned income. No matter what your needs are financially.

Chapter 23 - You can’t control the weather, but you can be prepared for anything – (Courtesy of Valverde Wedding Venue)

The weather on your wedding day is a big unknown factor until the actual day arrives. Make sure you are mentally prepared for what happens if it rains.

What if it rains before the ceremony? This is probably the best time for this to happen, as it may stop by the time you walk down the aisle and leaves the gardens looking fresh, so don’t worry too much about that. Regardless of whether you are getting dressed at home or at the venue. Lovely pictures can be taken inside, but make sure there is sufficient lighting in the room if there is no natural light. Discuss this with the photographer. Have an umbrella handy (a big, white one, that can comfortably protect 2 people!) and, if you are using a vehicle to get to the chapel, be extra careful not to make your dress dirty.

Another question to consider is where the guests will be waiting. Is there an undercover area for them where they can have a drink while they wait? Alternatively, would it be nice for them to wait in the chapel

What if it rains during the ceremony? Great, this is a blessing! But, if you are planning a garden ceremony, you need to be 100% happy with the alternative solution that your venue can offer in this case. Be careful, if it is very windy a garden wedding can also get chilly or uncomfortable!

What if it rains after the ceremony? This is not a good time for rain, as this is normally the gap allocated to the photo session. Make sure you discuss this eventuality with the photographer. Not many venues have a big room with a nice and versatile background and good lighting where you can do a proper photo shoot, but if your venue has one this would be a great plus! In this case, you could still do your entire group and family photos, and a few of bride and groom, trying to change backgrounds. A good photographer will make the best out of this situation and will steal you away from the guests as soon as the rain stops and you can get some garden shots. Be prepared to deviate from your scheduled times in this case.

Also, consider where the guests would be having their snacks and welcome drinks in this case. If your wedding is in the countryside, is there a paved walkway from the chapel to 95 the reception or will guests have to wade through the mud? This can be treacherous, especially for ladies in high heels!

What if it rains during the reception? Nothing much, provided you are not having a picnic wedding. Rain can actually make for a lovely atmosphere. If you are in an outdoor venue, make sure it can be closed off if need be and make sure you are satisfied with what it would look like in this case.

What if it is unexpectedly cold and you don’t have anything appropriate to cover yourself? Generally you will feel the cold less than on a normal day. So even if you tend to freeze easily, the excitement will make you stay warm a lot longer than expected. Try to survive at least the most important photo moments before you cover yourself up. If you have no budget, a white or ivory shall or even a fleece blanket can do wonders.

And what about wind? The worst about the wind is that it can destroy your hair. Discuss this with the photographer and look for a few relatively sheltered areas. Take a small umbrella with to get from one place to another whilst protecting your hair.

Lastly, it could also be too hot, couldn’t it? Well, you can’t please everyone, can you? Make sure there are enough cooler areas or places in the shade for before and after the ceremony, especially for the elderly. Appoint somebody to look after them and make sure they drink enough water and don’t overexert themselves. It would be a pity if anybody fainted because of the heat after you’ve spent months worrying about the rain!

CHAPTER 24 - Losing a couple of kilograms before the wedding (Courtesy of Valverde Wedding Venue)

Author’s tip: Whatever happens on the day, forget about your weight and enjoy your wedding. Your partner married you for your heart and soul. He or she loves and accepts you as you are.

Every bride wants to look her absolute best on her wedding day. This often results in the desire of losing weight for that perfectly slim figure in the wedding dress. When choosing a diet, there a few considerations to keep in mind. What is the goal of the diet? Is it just to lose weight for the short-term, regardless of the health consequences? Or is it to lose weight and keep it off for the long-term, and to optimize one's health at the same time? Below is a list of popular diets and their features. Thereafter, I will go a little more into detail about Dr. Fuhrman's "nutritarian" diet, which maximizes nutrients for optimal health and minimizes calories for permanent weight loss.

Grain or Potato-based Vegan Diet (high carb, extremely-low fat)

 Can result in moderate weight loss, but often not effective for those with significant metabolic hindrance to weight loss.  Can result in reversal of heart disease for most people. However, the increase in glycemic load can raise triglycerides and limit benefits in reversing/resolving diabetes.  There is no calorie counting, offers unlimited portions of most foods, totally vegan.  Can help to prevent cancer, but not as cancer-protective as a diet containing seeds and nuts, which facilitate absorption of anti-cancer compounds.  Some may develop symptoms from low levels of fatty acids and EPA and DHA deficiency, which can cause premature neurologic aging.

Weight Watchers Program

 Involves calorie counting and portion control. Most people do not keep the weight off permanently with this type of diet.  Reduces both calorie and nutrient levels simultaneously, reduces disease resistance, making you more likely to get the chronic diseases that afflict Americans today like heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and cancer (all which result in a premature death).

South Beach Diet

 One of the most dangerous diets ever designed. The fact that it was written and promoted by a cardiologist makes it more threatening because heart patients, thinking it is safe, are encouraged to eat this way.  You are told to move from a carbohydrate–restricted, high–protein phase back to a less restricted phase, but when you start to regain your weight (as you will inevitably do), you are instructed to go back to the more restricted phase again. This pattern of changing dietary phases accelerates the progression of atherosclerosis and promotes electrolyte swings that not only increase the likelihood of you getting a heart attack, but can predispose you to a life-threatening cardiac arrhythmia.  Many are aware that ketogenic diets are dangerous if maintained long–term, but if done for a short–time on and off, as recommended in the South Beach plan, you lose weight, regain it, lose weight and regain it (i.e. yo–yo your weight), which is even more dangerous to your heart and your health.  Full of incorrect, unscientific and fraudulent dietary advice on almost every page, starting with “lose belly fat first” as stated on the cover. Where you lose weight first is genetically determined.

Atkins’ Diet

 Moderate weight loss for some, difficult to lose significant amounts of weight long– term. Documented to accelerate the progression of atherosclerosis. Medical journals report side effects such as constipation, kidney insufficiency, bad breath, fatigue, high cholesterol, life threatening cardiac arrhythmias and sudden death due to electrolyte imbalances.  The diet richest in saturated fat of all others. Saturated fat is the food element most associated with cancer.

There are also numerous other high-protein diets out there, that may not necessarily use the above names, but follow similar principles and therefore carry the same risks and are similarly ineffective and dangerous in the long term!

Now that you have an idea about the pros and cons of popular and widely recommended diets, let's have a look at what a nutritarian diet looks like. This diet is advocated by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, M.D., a board-certified family physician, NY Times best-selling author and nutritional researcher who specializes in preventing and reversing disease through nutritional and natural methods. Dr. Fuhrman is an internationally recognized expert on nutrition and natural healing, and has appeared on hundreds of radio and television shows.

Here are some of the benefits of this carefully researched and proven diet.

 Offers unlimited portions of many foods  No calorie counting  You do not have to be vegan or even vegetarian  High nutrient density for powerful prevention of cancer  Affords the opportunity to get rid of many chronic health problems  Makes you feel and look younger

If you want to find out more about this diet, I recommend Dr. Fuhrman’s #1 NY Times best-selling book, “Eat To Live”. It describes concept of adopting a high-nutrient eating style to restore the body to excellent health. The book is intended to offer a viable solution for people who need a quick and safe way to achieve dramatic weight loss. The Eat To Live six week program is a fast track to shed weight and recover from health issues such as diabetes, asthma, migraine headaches, heart disease, depression, high blood pressure, autoimmune diseases, and much more.

The key to this revolutionary diet style is the idea of nutrient density, as expressed by the simple formula:

Health = Nutrients/Calories

When the ratio of nutrients to calories is high, fat melts away, and health is restored. Losing 10kg in two to three weeks is just the beginning.

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Chapter 25 - For the Groom: How to choose a suit for the big day (Courtesy of Eurosuit)

Author’s tip: Groom, suit up! Your bride has gone to a lot of trouble. Honor her today.

The Groom’s suit The wedding is without doubt all about the bride. However there are at least three key moments when the groom is the centre of attention, and it is during these moments that all eyes will scrutinise every inch of clothing to see how the groom has decided to present himself. 1) Waiting for his bride to walk up the aisle 2) Making his speech 3) The first dance

To buy or to hire Of course budgeting and practical issues play a part. The rule is simple “Hire what you are never likely to wear again, buy what you are likely to wear”. You may be in a line of business where the purchase of a suit will be a total waste. Bear in mind that hired suits are just that. They are not new and cannot be tailored to specific needs.

Remember always that the bride has spent a lot of money to look perfect on the day and she expects her groom to look special and complement her in every way. This day only comes around once.

Whether you decide to hire or buy, chose a reputable outlet where staff are trained for a specific purpose. Chain stores may be cheaper but generally do not give advice.

Remember! There is no rule as to the dress code a wedding requires. The day belongs to the Bride and Groom and dress code is solely at their discretion.

What type of suit This depends largely on the kind of wedding, time of day, and a few other factors. Remember to take them all into account before choosing the type of suit.

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Time of day and season  A midday wedding may have a more informal feel to it and lighter colours and fabrics could be worn e.g. stone, light grey, charcoal etc. Suits without cravats or ties i.e. open neck shirts could be a choice  Late afternoon or evening weddings usually call for the opposite, but it’s your choice entirely  Seasons will definitely play a part. Heavier fabrics and waistcoats may be required for winter weddings.

Is the theme modern or traditional? The modern trend is a slimmer suit. Colours are black, silver or grey. Traditional could mean formal i.e. Tuxedo, black suit or tails.

What colours would complement the wedding theme?  There is no reason for a groom to find difficulty in matching the colours of the wedding  Where difficulty arises is trying to match colours exactly. This is not always possible unless cut from the same fabric. In any case what the groom wears is about a half meter away from the bride so a slight variation does not matter all that much. Light and natural movement often go a long way to help disguise any differences  Should a colour not be available there are many colours which are neutral and will match to almost anything. Platinum, silver, champagne and wine are all colours that look rich and match almost anything  Remember a wedding is a happy event and your colours should reflect this  The “wow” factor must always prevail, even when the jacket comes off  In many cultures weddings are all about a variety of colour.

How can the groom look different to his groomsmen? This can be done in a variety of ways, some subtle, others a totally different dress. By wearing a different waistcoat to the groomsmen or adding a pocket chief to the groom’s suit a different look can be achieved. Alternatively, there could be a total contrast e.g camel for the groom, black for the groomsmen, but all with the same accessories.

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What will the chosen outfit look like in the photos? There are certain designs which just do not show up on a photo. Very subtle paisley weaves on light colours do not show up well on photos. The photo is the only reminder of what everyone looked like on the day.

A short or tall groom - the fit of the suit This is more important than most people realise. As much as someone may want to wear tails it might not be the thing to wear if you don’t have the height for it. You may have tall men in the party who could carry this off, but a shorter man next to them dressed in tails makes the difference in height even more noticeable.

Make sure your suit fits before you leave the store A well tailored inexpensive suit will look better than a poor fitting expensive suit. Make sure the suit fits correctly BEFORE it leaves the store. It’s too late to fix the suit after the wedding. Be sure that you are perfectly dressed for the most exciting day of your life.

Final Do’s and Don’ts 1) Too much advice is as bad as no advice. Too many advisers tend to confuse what works and what doesn’t. I suggest no more than two friends or family members to help make a decision. 2) If you are hiring the suit, do it at least 6 - 8 weeks before the day for a summer wedding and 4 - 6 weeks for winter weddings. There are more weddings in summer than winter. August, September and October are particularly busy because of matric dances etc. which impacts heavily on stock availability. 3) If you intend buying your suit, it is no good looking around 6 months before your wedding without any intention of buying. What you saw 6 months ago may not be available when you go to buy it. Clothing manufacturers do not hold stock except for basic lines. 4) Don’t shop with an overseas magazine in your hand. Unless you are going to a tailor to have it made, chances are very remote that you will find it. Select from local availability.

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CHAPTER 26 – How to keep the spark alive (Courtesy of Bev Buckley – Pure Romance)

Author’s tip: Sex is an incredibly important part of marriage. Don’t lose sight of this over time. Make sure you fulfill each other’s needs. Please email me for a copy on my more explicit chapter on sex and sexuality: [email protected]

Let’s take a look at the average sex-life-cycle from being newlyweds to a jolly old happily married couple. No two couples have the exact same relationship cycle, and being married is all about dealing with various challenges together.

The Wedding Night Now let’s be realistic! You’re both ‘slightly’ intoxicated, probably haven’t eaten all that much, woke up early and didn’t sleep the night before from excitement. You’ve been dancing your feet off, walking and posing for photos so your cheeks are actually sore from smiling so much. This is just a mild account of what to expect on your wedding night. In short you’re exhausted! Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually… all too often one or both of you will have fallen asleep the minute you lie down, it happens to most newlyweds on their wedding night. It’s ok to sleep… your partner will still be there in the morning, your married now remember… If in the odd event you do consummate the marriage (and most couples have been intimate before their wedding anyway) here are some good ideas to make it that little bit more special:  Flirt during the wedding constantly, it sounds pretty obvious because you will probably do it anyway but complement each other and steal kisses at every opportunity you can  Prepare the room – Before you finish at the wedding get someone to do it for you or ask the hotel staff to make it look gorgeous. Think sensual and romantic, you will already be in the mood of course, but think of ways that allow you to savour the moment. Here are some ideas: o Get some of the wedding meal kept aside, neither of you will end up eating too much at the wedding – it happens with most couples – so ask the hotel or one of your bridal party to get some on takeaway, you can heat it up and dine on your wedding dinner together surrounded by candles, petals and champagne

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o Bath and bubbles – speak for themselves… it’s always nice to spend some time relaxing together and if you decide on some ‘pre-bath time’ Pure Romance has Pure Pleasures which is great for water play o Candles and massage – At Pure Romance we have a wedding-night kit which includes 2 Burning Desire candles that become a massage oil when you burn them. Great for giving a sensual massage of course with Hot Heart Massagers (heat pack) that feel like a hot stone massage exclusively given by your partner o Do NOT Disturb sign – Make sure you put it on the door once you enter your honeymoon suite! o Music – create a mixed CD or MP3 mix on your smart device to either plug into the hotels speakers/radio equipment or bring your own (I recommend this be the grooms department) o Between the Sheets – a favourite with Pure Romance – a lavender vanilla bed sheet spray that turns cotton sheets to feel like satin with a very fine powder. Smells so sensual and sexy! o Tasty Treats – Sensations – Hot Buttered Rum warming lubricant is absolutely decadent and delicious, great to dribble all over bodies for a tasty treat. Also, Dust me Pink which is an edible body powder to feather dust and sprinkle all over each other for loads of licking fun! o Lingerie – it’s always nice to set aside a sexy outfit to be ‘unwrapped’ from! Either wear it under your wedding attire, or set it on the bed to ‘slip into’ something more comfortable. You could even buy lingerie or pyjamas for each other, as a gift to unwrap o Private/Sexy Vows – Why not write out a ‘sexy vow’ specifically for the love of your life only, to be read on the wedding night…  Carry her over the Threshold – an exciting and romantic tradition is for the man carry his newly wed over the ‘threshold’ or entrance to your wedding night suite.

If you can do some or all of these little treats for each other on your weeding night, it is sure to make it something to remember. Oh! And be sure not to let anyone from the wedding follow you up to your suite or join you in your suite, it’s harder to get rid of them for private time together!

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The First Morning Married Of course you can do some or all of what I suggested above the morning after your wedding night too. Both of you will probably have a lot more energy and feel more refreshed after a good night’s rest!

Also, try not to book your honeymoon too soon after the wedding, give yourselves some time to relax for the day, rather than rushing to pack and get to the airport or a long drive to where you are having your honeymoon. You may want to just get there, but sometimes taking it easy can make everything so much more pleasant. Pack your bags before the wedding if you plan to go straight away and get someone to drive you (even if you hire a chauffeur – spoil yourselves)!

The Honeymoon Most of the time the groom arranges the honeymoon as a surprise for his bride, it makes it a bit more exciting too. Usually it’s the brides place to arrange the wedding, although there are couples who do it together too or who hire a planner. Whatever you decide, the best thing to make sure of is that your honeymoon is all about you and creating those first initial bonds as a couple building your lives together.

You may want to talk about what your dreams are for your marriage and where you would like to be together as you grow over the next few years. A combined vision you can hold of where you are and where you want to be in the future. Inspire each other, you have a whole life of wedded bliss together which is bound to bring up some challenges. It’s great if you both have a strong vision to keep each other linked to when times get a little tough.

Married Life We all know newlyweds have some of the most passionate and enthusiastic love-making sessions! Although, and I’m sure many married couples will agree, sometimes ‘life happens’ and sex seems to get put at the bottom of the ‘to do’ list.

Personally I like to think of it from a self-awareness aspect. We always seem to put the things we most love to do off ‘until later’ or ‘when I have the time’, how many of your hobbies don’t you ‘get round to’ because you’re so busy ‘making a living’. I’m sure we have all heard it said that what you make a priority expands and grows in your life and what you procrastinate on stagnates.

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At the end of the day it’s purely based on your choice. Now I agree, when your building a life together you get so focused on the bigger house, better car, work promotion or startup business, that those little intimate moments seem to happen further and further apart. It takes our conscious awareness to notice it and stop it in its tracks!

Let’s take a look at what really tends to happen and ways to change it so you can still ‘get lucky’ regularly:

Pay for the nitty gritty’s Women always seem to be blamed for being ‘not in the mood’. I have found that most women enjoy sex and want to have more sex, and the more great sex they have… the more they want. The only thing is that, when women feel overworked and overloaded with running the household, working a full day, cooking, shopping and sorting the children out, sleep often sounds like sweet wedded bliss more than a romp in the bed! Especially if she is being unappreciated for all she does and what she seems to be most criticized about (be it verbal or non-verbal) is ‘putting out’ in the bedroom. Ladies this is as much up to you as your man, and the tables may be turned where the man does all the running around and domestic chores while the woman is off building an empire. It essentially all comes down to balance. For goodness sake just help out or PAY other people to do the extra nitty gritty’s, there are PLENTY of menial tasks you can pay other people to do so you have more time to yourselves. Then you won’t feel so overwhelmed. Things like:  Get a domestic to cleaning the house, do the washing and ironing (we are blessed with a great many domestic cleaners in desperate need of a job)  Get a nanny - there are plenty of responsible students looking for work after University, who can drive too – so they can play taxi as well!  Get a cook or send your domestic for cooking lessons!  Get a Personal Assistant – again there are so many educated people who just don’t have work that would love to work for you. Doing all the things that you hate doing (like admin) – even if YOU are a PA – you can hire someone to take over extra work from you (while you go for a massage)

Get away once a month (at least) When you go away for a mini-holiday more regularly it gives you a chance to regroup, refresh and reconnect. Also, take at least one day off a week to switch off completely. We live in a world of heightened stimulation and communication; for goodness sake just 108 switch your phone off! The world won’t stop spinning I promise! It will give you a chance to be romantic sexual beings again without crazy children (clients or bosses) on sugar highs driving you bananas! We all know the saying that you teach people how to treat you and this is as valid with children as it is with bosses and clients.

Your mini-holiday needn’t be far, it can be at a local hotel or a home away from home in the country. Often times you can get great specials on accommodation out of season. Some have spa and Jacuzzi facilities too! So why not have a relaxing massage which is sure to put you in ‘the mood’.

Have a date night once a week (at least) If you don’t have children you really have no excuse not to make this a priority, if I were you I would have EVERY night be ‘date night’ because when children come into the picture things change in a BIG way! Couples who do this will tell you it was the best thing they did for their relationship.

If you do have children, I’m sure both or one of you have parents (in-laws) who LOVE their grandkids to bits! They always make the best (and first choice) as babysitters, you can even alternate every other week that they go to each of your parents. Yet there are some couples who don’t have this luxury and then it is a good idea to get a regular babysitter, http://www.childcaresa.com has some great ways to find a good babysitter, or ask around and find someone who is trustworthy and responsible.

Most of us usually only take a time out on a special occasion: on A, B and C days… Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas… well were adding D day! DATE NIGHT! Once a week or every second week you schedule time alone together and dress up for each other like you did when you first started dating. There is still the element of feeling sexy for your partner and wanting to impress them. It also allows for some time to play and explore together in the bedroom. With Pure Romance we have a wide range of products to improve intimacy and get creative in the bedroom!

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Chapter 27 - My Wedding Budget (Courtesy of Wedding Connexion)

Author’s tip: Email me for this wedding budget spreadsheet and use it! [email protected]

My Wedding Budget Estimated Actual Estimated Actual Apparel Ceremony Gown Clergy/Church Bridal Shoes Chair/pew rental Bridal slip/hoop Ring bearer pillow Lingerie Flower girl basket Jewellery Unity candle Bridal Headpiece/veil Ushers Bridal gloves Total Ceremony Bridesmaids dresses Bridesmaids accessories Reception Bridesmaids shoes Venue fee Groom's tux Food Groomsmen’s tuxes Musician Garters Barmen/Waiters Alterations Drinks Children's apparel Wedding cake Total Apparel Cake knife Table decorations Flowers Other decorations Brides bouquet Napkins Bridesmaids bouquets Linens Corsages Guest book Altarpiece Entertainment Pew/chair bows Reception centerpieces Throw away bouquet Confetti Flower girls' flowers Parking & Security Total Flowers Transportation Gratuities Photography Childcare Photographer Total Reception Videographer Total Photography Misc Marriage license Stationery Hairdresser Invitations Manicure/pedicure Order of service Make-up Save the date cards Wedding planner Name places Hotel for guests Thank you notes Favours Seating plan Total Misc Total Stationery Wedding Total

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CHAPTER 28 - Stephen van Basten’s tips for a happy marriage (Sponsored by Anita Jack – Professional Dancer)

 Make it your mission to be the best spouse in the world o when you both have that attitude your marriage becomes more resilient  Become each other’s best friend o Make sure you take time to chat and keep updated on what’s happening in each other’s lives o Share your thoughts and opinions o Share your dreams and fantasies Side note: . Only act out on about 20% of your fantasies. Some things are best kept in the realms of the mind, but be brave enough to share them, and mature enough to receive them…  Allow your partner to be who they really are o Don’t try to make them more like you . Ex husbands lament: “After 20 years of trying to change me, she divorced me because I am not the man she married!!!!” o At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to be loved and respected for who we are? o And while we may change for those we love, over time, don’t we always default back to who we really are?  Facilitate growth in each other o Personal o Spiritual o Emotional o Intellectual o Recognise that marriage is one HUGE growth experience.  Find new ways to please each other o Don’t get complacent o Don’t rest on your laurels o Keep things spicy not only in the kitchen.  Learn to communicate o Learn and respect each other’s values o Recognise how your differences make you a team o Learn and talk in each other’s love language o Learn and talk in each other’s apology language o And then actually express your love o And actually apologise when you are wrong.

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 Forgive graciously and quickly o We are all human and we will make mistakes  Resist temptation o Temptation is real and we are all susceptible o Temptation is not only sexual (although that is VERY real) o Could also be financial (overspending an agreed budget) o or being overly controlling or selfish o Usurping each other’s authority o And this gets even harder when the kids arrive.  Trust each other o Trust until you are given reason not to o Rather than assert that trust must be earned o You are going into this marriage with trust, so always expect the best of each other . Always give each other the benefit of the doubt  Manage change over time o 21 years later I am not the man Jacqui married o And she is not the women I married o You will both change o Right now you are attracted to the things that make you the same o As you move through time you will not only grow and change but you will get to see each other’s full personality o The good and the bad will emerge.  Power struggles o Another joke . When I met Mrs. Right, I didn’t know her first name was “Always” o To be honest, I don’t know how to address this topic properly o It has proven to be the most difficult area of my marriage . Who is the head of the family, and when? . Managing different parenting styles . How do we spend the money? . Apologising . Pouting/cold shoulder . Withholding time/ favours/ words.  Be realistic in your expectations of o Yourself o Your spouse o Your relationship, and o Your marriage.  Recognise that you are responsible for your own happiness 113

o It is not your partners duty to make you happy o Only you can achieve that o You are choosing to find happiness together o But not abdicating responsibility to the other.  Celebrate occasions o Buy each other cards and gifts on: . Wedding anniversary . Valentine’s day . Christmas . New Year . Birthdays . Mother’s day . Father’s day  Have a common Vision o Agree on . Short, mid and long term goals in all 7 areas of life  Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Social, Familial, Vocational, Financial . How many children you will have . Where you want them to go to school . How you will discipline them  To spank or not to spank . How you will spend the money (remember, most marriages fail due to financial differences so consider getting a great financial adviser) . How much you will save and invest . Where you would like to end up living (and retiring)

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CHAPTER 29 - Stephen van Basten’s life skills tips (Sponsored by Skrapnel Productions)

I am that I am that I am Always strive to be yourself. Live your dreams and not anyone else’s. Realise that you are unique. Don’t try to be like anyone else on earth.

I am authentic Strive to tell the truth. Especially when it is easier to lie. Your word is all you have. Be true to it.

Life sucks Life is NOT meant to be easy. It’s designed to challenge and reward you. Challenge and reward come in different seasons. Be at peace with the season you are in.

True friends are hard to come by Most of the people who befriend you do so because you add some value to their lives. Take away that value and they leave. Don’t allow this to make you despise your friends, just recognise that they will come and go and be at peace with that.

The universe owes you nothing You are not entitled to anything. Go out and earn it. You are responsible for your own life and your own happiness.

Life is a game of trial and error Go out and PLAY!!!!!! Experiment. Reach for more. Fail often. Fail again. Fail until you succeed. There is no shame in failure. Only in giving up.

The meaning of life is to GROW Personal Development, Soul Unfoldment, Self Actualization We grow more in the hard times. Relish the lessons.

Accept that you are fully human According to Dr. Demartini, there are 4 628 human traits ranging from love, generosity, energetic, honest through hate, selfish, lethargic, liar. You own all of the traits. So do your parents, so does your spouse, so do your kids, so does your boss. Accept them when they are lovely and understand them when they are ugly. 116

Chapter 30 - Some of my personally recommended Suppliers:

As names, telephone numbers, people and email addresses constantly change, I have been advised not to list all of my recommended suppliers. Instead, would you please email me at [email protected] with your requirements and I will send you their details:

 Lawyers for Ante Nuptial Contract and Will  Email invites with RSVP  Printed invitations  DJ’s, musicians and live bands  Makeup and hair artist  Wedding dresses  Honeymoon travel  Florists  Bachelorettes  Photographers and Videographers  Venues  Rings  Wedding Planners  Financial Advisers

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Chapter 31 - Summary of Author’s Tips (Sponsored by The Marriage Meander Company) 1. Ask the minister what his policy is on photography. Too many couples have spent a fortune on a photographer only to find that the minister tells them to put the cameras away during the service! 2. Create an email address for your wedding like [email protected] and use that whenever you are asked by suppliers for your email address. 3. When you find a supplier you like, book them and pay the deposit. There are only 52 Saturdays in a year and we get booked quickly. I have some bookings 18 months in advance. 4. Take the advice the professionals give you. We have been in the industry for years and have learnt what works through trial and error. 5. Use a wedding planner. They know what they are doing and have preferred suppliers that they trust. 6. Go to wedding expos and talk to everyone. Get lots of ideas. Spend time with the suppliers. If they ask for your details simply give them your wedding email address ([email protected]). If you don’t want them to call you, give them an incorrect phone number or simply say no! 7. Get your Will and Ante Nuptial Contract drawn up at the same time. 8. When you have your wedding dress made, make sure you can walk in it without stepping on the hem! I have seen too many brides struggle down the aisle looking foolish and embarrassed. 9. If you can afford to do a relationship course before you get married, do it. If you can’t afford it, see if you can pay it off monthly or do it after you are married and back on your feet. 10. Choose your Master of Ceremonies carefully. You want someone who knows everyone, can speak well but will not dominate the evening. He really just needs to keep the evening going. 11. Don’t forget the photos for the marriage registration. 12. Make sure you use a DJ that has experience playing at weddings. A wedding is incredibly difficult to manage as there are ages and tastes varying from 10 to 90. Ask for their back up plan if equipment is faulty or the DJ takes ill. 13. When choosing a venue, the reception hall may be more important than the chapel. Remember, you will spend an hour in the chapel and the entire evening at the reception. Find a venue where you can have a great party! 119

14. I suggest you ensure that there are two photographers at the wedding. When the bride walks into the chapel, one takes pictures of her while the other catches the groom’s reaction. 15. Don’t leave it too long to plan your honeymoon. Start at the same time as you find your venue and set your wedding date. Once again, allow the professionals to assist you, they will probably save you more by knowing what to do and where to go than you can ever save trying to do it yourself. 16. Try to get a copy of the minister’s sermon and ideally give your input into it. See if you can create your own unique ceremony together. 17. Email me for the wedding budget spreadsheet and use it! [email protected] 18. Tip to the Bride: He has not been planning this for years. Be gentle with him. 19. Tip to the Groom: This is VERY important to her. It will mean the world to her if you are fully involved. 20. Fact: The greatest cause of divorce is money. Get a good financial advisor! 21. Whatever happens on the day, forget about your weight and enjoy your wedding. Your partner married you for your heart and soul. He/she loves and accepts you as you are. 22. Groom, suit up! Your bride has gone to a lot of trouble. Honour her today. 23. Sex is an incredibly important part of a marriage. Don’t underestimate this over time. Make sure you fulfil each other’s needs. Email me for dates of my next sex talk. I assure you it is done in good taste. [email protected] 24. Google wedding poems and you will find millions of options 25. Google wedding vows and you will find millions of options 26. Just enjoy your wedding day. It does not need to be stressful. Plan what you can, allow the professionals to manage it, and then fix anything that goes wrong with a knowing smile! 27. Something will probably go wrong on the day, it’s how you manage it that makes the difference. Smile and move on. 28. Weddings are expensive. So is the honeymoon. Consider getting a honeymoon gift registry where your guests can donate to your trip. 29. If 50% of modern marriages fail, do all you can to ensure yours does not. Do some pre- marital work with someone who knows how to guide you. Email me for more details: [email protected]

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Chapter 32: Glimpses from book 2, “So you’re Married, now what?”

Authors Tip: If 50% of modern marriages fail, do all you can to ensure yours does not. Do some pre-marital work with someone who knows how to guide you.

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Mary and Ken Mary and Ken had been sweethearts forever. Not only that, they had literally been friends their entire life. They grew up next door to each other, went to the same schools and in a uniquely old fashioned way, had courted for many years before getting married. They were the same age and had been in the same classes at school except in high school where they chose different subjects for matric. Her parents had tried to send her to a different university in an attempt to break them up but she had insisted. “You really need to date some other boys” her mother had asserted. “It’s not healthy to just date one person. How do you know he is the one?” But she did know. He WAS the one and she wanted to be with him every moment she could. Because they were the same age though, she did mature earlier and so was always the one to initiate sex. She loved the closeness. She lived the intimacy. She loved the way it made her feel and also the power she seemed to have over him. He was so shy the first time she had essentially seduced him but got over that quickly. Secretly she wished that he would just come home one day, pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and ravish her. Alas, the chances of that were very slim. Actually, she would settle for him initiating just once and then taking the leading role. She longed to be made love to for a change.

Next February, would be their 11th wedding anniversary and frankly, they were struggling. It was not that that they did not love each other, it was just that after 20 years and 2 kids later, they were jaded. Time seemed to have changed them both as well as allow them to get to know each other fully. They had spent so many glorious moments together. The first time they had made love as mere teenagers, the birth of the girls, the trips overseas, his steady journey up the corporate ladder with its increases and bonuses, Jeannie’s marks at school and Jamie’s ballet achievements to name but a few. Mary just missed him. She missed the courtship. She missed the intimacy. Ken was around but he wasn’t there. She couldn’t remember when last he had brought her flowers, or a Valentines gift or even opened the car door for her like he used to in the early days. While Ken had been her first. He was not her last. She was not sure how it happened or exactly when she had crossed the line. What she did know was that Thomas fulfilled many of the needs that Ken didn’t care to. They were in counselling but she had not confessed and was not intending to. When they had first chatted to the relationship coach, he had asked if both of them were committed to saving the marriage. He seemed relieved when they both answered YES. “I can assist you if you are both committed to making it work. If one of you has decided to move on it is extremely difficult. Even so, this generally takes months of work and can get quite expensive. Are you willing to do what it takes to make this work?” he asked. They 122 were now 6 months into their sessions. It was really hard work and she had to admit, rather expensive. Why was life so unfair? Why could one person not simply fulfil all her needs? Why had things turned out so differently to what she had expected? Why had that feeling of being “in-love” dissipated, only to be replaced by feelings of despondency? On the other hand, how dare she be depressed when in reality she had everything? They both had well-paying jobs, the kids were well adjusted, they loved each other, were relatively healthy and they even got on with their respective in-laws! Had she been superstitious she would have feared been struck down for being so ungrateful.

The coach was very patient with them. She did not envy his job right now. Who would want to spend hours with 2 people squabbling all the time? The work was slow and laborious. Coach seemed to be letting them vent quite a lot. He said communication was what was really needed. “I guess any communication is better than nothing” she thought to herself. They both nodded in agreement when coach exposed them to the Yin Yang concept. “We sure are different” she mused. “And we have become more different and grown apart more and more over time”.

It was lovely when coach had asked them to remember, write down and then share what they loved about each other when they first met and started courting. He made them face each other, look into each other’s eyes, be fully present and share. Ken could not remember the last time he had looked at her this intensely. Something sparked deep down in him as he remembered how they met, how he had courted her and what attracted him to her. Mary shed a tear as he shared with her. They were so young and immature then and had never really expressed their love this directly. “I love you and I want to make this relationship work” they said to one another as per coach’s instruction. She believed him. Then they had to do the same exercise but share what they loved about each other now. This was more difficult. So much had happened over the past 20 years. They had both changed so much.

Coach had asked them so many questions. First they answered them in writing and then shared with each other. “What is your definition of love? What is your definition of marriage? Describe the perfect marriage. Describe the perfect spouse.” “My goodness,” thought Mary, “We should have done this years ago! I cannot believe how much I have learned about him today.”

“Coach” it was Ken speaking, “Why do marriages fail? We were so in love. We were infallible. What happened? Coach sat back in his chair preparing to answer this huge 123 question. “Seriously, there are so many reasons,” he started. “Firstly there are different stages to a marriage and we need to manage each stage differently. When we fall in love there is generally a physical/sexual context to it. In my opinion, we often fall in lust first, through a chemical reaction to each other, and actually fall in love later. Many relationships fail when the couple fall out of lust back into reality and think they are falling out of love. I call this the courtship phase and jokingly call it the marketing phase. It’s when we show each other just how wonderful we can be when we are both trying our very very best 100 percent of the time!” he laughed. It was nice to have a light hearted moment. It seemed like ages since Ken had heard Mary’s guttural laugh. It was contagious and he wished she would do it more often. “What’s the next stage, coach?” he asked wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. “That would be the engagement/living together stage Ken. It’s generally easy going, congruent and lots of fun. It’s when you get to know each other and work through issues easily. Then comes the more problematic stage, the- getting-to-know-you-properly stage. This is when the first cracks start to appear. When you see each other’s good and bad sides. When the little idiosyncrasies start to bother you. You know all the clichés, toilet seat not put down, toilet roll not replaced, toothpaste squeezed from the middle not the back and so many more.” “What is it about men that they leave the toilet seat up Coach? Is it so hard to put it down after a pee?” “Men are nice and simple, Mary. When we get to the toilet, if the seat is down we simply put it up. If it’s up and we need it down, we put it down!”. “mmmmmm. Simple being the operative word,” thought Mary. “And anyway” added Ken, “if the toilet seat was meant to be down, why does it have a hinge?” Coach being male smiled. Mary didn’t. He moved on quickly, “This is the moment couples decide to stay or go. You have to get through this stage before you can move into what I call the True-Love-Stage. I sub-title this the Friendship- Stage. In my opinion, love is more like friendship than anything else. I love Scott Pecks definition of love, ‘when one expends energy for another’s personal growth’. To me, marriage is about taking someone you love on this incredible journey called LIFE. Pooling your resources and reaching out to create a more fulfilling existence while you grow together. I also love Dr. John Demartini’s definition; ‘Love occurs at the cusp of challenge and support’. You see we need both unconditional and tough love in every relationship.” “You mean marriage is not a fairy tale, coach?’ quipped Ken smiling. “Thank you Ken. No. Marriage is not for happiness alone. Marriage is for growth too.” “Ain’t that the truth!” agreed Mary shaking her head. “Well, at least I got you to agree on SOMETHING. Beam me up Scottie. My work here is done,” quipped coach and they all had a chuckle. “Thank God this is also fun,” thought Ken. He was not sure what to expect and had initially

124 doubted anyone could help, but now he was enjoying it. “There is an interesting stage that I call, The-Tipping-Point. It happens between 20 and 30 years of marriage and is the point where you are in the habit of being married, you are comfortable with each other, any serious misdemeanors have been forgiven and one of you would really have to mess up badly to mess it up. Then finally, Growing-Old-Together, which in essence is what we are really trying to achieve with marriage.”

“The second answer to your million dollar question, Ken, is answered beautifully in Scott Peck’s brilliant book, “The road less travelled” “. Mary wrote that down and coach smiled. He loved anyone who was interested in personal development and specifically relating to marriage and relationships. He also loved the fact that she was willing to learn more at her age. “Scott Peck postulates that the phenomena of falling in love is actually a chemical reaction and a trick the universe plays on us to ensure we get naked, make love and fall pregnant. A brilliant mechanism to ensure the longevity of the human race. So falling in love is actually falling in chemistry or even falling in lust. Then when we fall out of chemical stage, we believe we are falling out of love. The chemistry stage relates to my Courtship-Phase and the falling out of chemistry relates to my Getting-to-know-you- properly stage. This is the moment you have to decide whether your roots have so entwined beneath the ground that it is impossible for you to ever part. The problem is that many people are actually addicted to the courtship phase, and for good reason. There are actually powerful chemicals that are released during this phase. Brain scans show similar activity in this phase as sugar, chocolate and cocaine activity do. Lets face it, that is a very exciting stage!” “Hey!” it was Mary, “hands off my chocolate. That is a sacred cow in this house. A girl has to have SOME pleasures after all!” [Oh my God, she thought, hoping she was not blushing. If only they knew about Thomas!]

“So Coach, why do couples stray sexually?” she asked innocently, noting the slight increase in her heartbeat. “My goodness” he replied, “You guys are certainly putting me through my paces! Once again, there are so many answers. None of them really acceptable or fully understandable. I would have to start with my good friend Dr. Demartini and his teachings on Axiology, the study of human values. As you know from the exercise when we did it, we all have a set of values. Things we love doing and things we hate doing. We essentially spend our lives trying to get more pleasure and less pain; to do more of what we love and less of what we hate. Now the key to a long lasting relationship is knowing what your partner values, knowing what value you add to your partner, knowing what your partner wants from life and from you – and constantly 125 fulfilling those needs. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Unfortunately it’s not. We grow over time. We change over time. What used to be important becomes trivial and vice versa. When we are in the courtship phase we just want to be together, touching, kissing and loving. Later on when we have a bond and two cars and the kids are in school and university, we want to be earning money and supporting the family. Our sex drives have changed, our lives have changed, we have changed. We become more focused on ourselves and attaining more of what we love and start neglecting our partner. Then we add the fact that men peak sexually at 28ish and women in their 40’s (and whenever they are ovulating). It’s like a cosmic joke our maker has played on us. At 40 our wives are ready for the fun and games in bed and we really just want to watch the golf.” Coach silently observed both of their body language as they reacted to this but said nothing. He knew that there were rarely ever any fully innocent questions. “Dr. Shirley Glass postulates that marriage is about walls and windows” he continued. “The windows show the world that which is open to the world and the walls keep private that which should not be shared. In every case of infidelity that she researched she found that the person had made a friend of the opposite sex. Then over time, started sharing things that should have been kept sacred to the marriage. In other words, the walls became windows. The person kept the friendship secret from their spouse to protect them from jealousy and hurt. Before long, so many intimacies and secrets had been shared that the couple became emotionally intimate. Unlike their spouse, the friend is there for them. They are interested in them. They are fulfilling some need in them. And before you know it where in a physical relationship. The lesson for married couples here is that you need to realize immediately when you make a new friend, that there may be danger ahead. Stop it right in the beginning before you get attached. This is incredibly powerful and unbelievably difficult to resist, especially if you are a highly sexed person, or sexually unfulfilled at home or addicted to the courtship phase.”

“Coach, I relate very much to what you are saying. I know I am safe to share this, but I am the less sexual of the two of us. I know that Mary would love more intimacy and probably a bit more excitement in the bedroom. Is there a remedy?” “Ken, thank you for sharing that with me. It really takes courage to admit that to another man. Firstly, please be assured that you are absolutely normal and so is Mary. There is no right or wrong sexual drive. Some people want sex once a year and others every day. This is the way it is. This brings up an interesting topic. To me, marriage is a friendship and I believe the most important trait for a long lasting relationship is COMMITMENT. May I share a quick story?”

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“How about another coffee first coach?” asked Mary. “Sir, yes Sir!” he responded smiling, always willing to partake in his drug of choice. She handed him a cup of coffee, just the way he liked it, with fresh cream and no sugar without having to ask how he took it. It made him feel loved and appreciated. He was enjoying himself immensely. “This sure beats washing dishes at home” he commented, fully aware of his own hierarchy of values; with learning & teaching and assisting couples to improve their marriages at the top and washing dishes & shopping in busy malls right at the bottom. “Commitment,” he continued. “When Jax was pregnant, our midwife gave us instructions on preparing for breastfeeding. Apparently it’s not just like sucking your thumb. He got us to commit to seeing it through and not give up. He even gave us tips on preparing the nipples (which we stupidly ignored). It turns out that breastfeeding can be incredibly difficult. Victoria was born early and weighed in at only 2.2kg which meant her mouth was small and she could not latch properly. Jaxie Pie was in pain most of the time. She ended up going for laser therapy to heal her broken nipples. But she continued regardless. When she went to work, she expressed milk to take home for the Vixta. Commitment!” “Right coach. I am on the edge of my seat waiting to find out how Jacqui’s nipples are going to improve our sex life” squealed Mary, tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks. “Marriage is also a commitment,” he replied once they had all stopped laughing. “and so is sex. Commitment means keeping on keeping on regardless of what life throws you. Through good times and bad, just like you vowed at your wedding. Sometimes that means you will spend money on things you don’t want to buy, because your partner has a right to spend some of the money. Sometimes that means you will support your partner when they have made a decision relating to the kids that you disagree with. Sometimes that means you will have sex simply because your partner has a physical need even though the cricket is on. Isn’t that what friends are for Ken? Lending a helping hand to a friend in need!” Ken just nodded and chuckled. Mary nodded in agreement. She certainly did have needs that she would prefer her husband to fulfil. To be honest, Thomas was a bit of a pain at times. “I read a book called ‘The sex diaries’ recently. A psychologist asked 200 couples of various ages and lengths of relationship to keep a sex diary and email her after each time they had sex. Interestingly enough, it turned out that most women had a decrease in sexual desire five years into their marriage and felt that sex was a bit of a chore. What was even more interesting though and the point I want to make is that most of them admitted that sex was a lot like going to gym. While they rarely really felt like going, when they were there it was nice and they felt good on the way home. They admitted that when they were having sex they loved it. So Ken, I imagine that if you could commit to working at this, you would

127 probably find you actually enjoy it. And Mary, maybe you need to look at ways of bridging the gap between the TV room and the bedroom. Will you guys take 5 minutes right now to have a chat about this please? I want you to have a candid talk about how you can have a bit more sex without making Ken feel like a piece of meat. Ken, are there any secret fantasies that could entice you to be more intimate? And ‘NO’ Mary’s sister is not going to join you!!!” “Actually, there is something,” he replied blushing slightly. “I would love to blindfold Mary sometime.” “Oh my GOD!!!” exclaimed Mary. “I would LOVE that! Oh my GOODNESS! Yes please,” she squealed with delight, her eyes sparkling. “Why have you never asked?” “I don’t know. I am a bit shy and I did not know how to approach it and what if you thought I was a pervert or something?” “Oh my darling, my darling. I love you so much.” She had crossed the room and was on his lap. His face in her hands. Kissing his cheeks one after the other. “I would love you to blindfold me!” “Right,” said the coach clearing his throat. “I think that is my cue to leave. You love birds are making me blush!” Coach smiled all the way to the car. He was still amazed at how often open and honest communication broke down even the highest and thickest walls. It had been a lot of work over many sessions, and he knew there was still a long way to go, but today was a breakthrough. Mary had given him a big hug and an even bigger thank you and coach had beamed. Words of affirmation and physical touch were his Love Languages. He smiled as he thought about most of his friends, prisoners to their bosses, chained to their computers, pretending to work at 4pm on a Friday afternoon so they didn’t get fired. “Nice way to make a living,” he complimented himself smugly as he made his way to Randburg. He had a coaching session with Francoise at ActionCoach that afternoon and could not wait to see what his Coach had in store for him today.

Daria and Marius The moment Daria set eyes on Marius, she wanted him. She was not sure if it was for one night or one lifetime or anything in between. All she knew was that she wanted him. Daria was gorgeous, irresistible and generally got what she wanted. And unfortunately, what she wanted, already had a girlfriend. For a moment she hesitated. She had known Sarah for some time and while they were nowhere close to being besties, she liked her. It was just that Marius intrigued her. They had chatted often and really got on very well. They naturally hugged and kissed when they said hello and goodbye and lingered over the goodbye kiss just a bit longer than was socially appropriate. She knew he liked her, I mean, which guy didn’t drool over her after all! The energy was palpable when they were together and one could cut the sexual tension between them with a knife. Then one day it

128 just got too much and before you knew it, they were kissing. It was glorious. And they both drowned in the beauty of the moment.

It did not take him long to break it off with Sarah and move in with Daria. It was just one of those perfect relationships. Their friends were all envious and they were soon known as the happiest couple on earth. Nobody was surprised when they announced their engagement at a lavish, rather over the top party at her place. She was absolutely loaded. Her PR business had taken off almost overnight and was an instant success. Marius was less aspiring and had certainly ‘married up’ in many ways. He could not believe his luck although there were times when he felt out of his depth. Especially with her parents who hailed from a well to do family tree and wanted for nothing. There were moments when Daria came across a bit bossy and by goodness, she was bossy a lot of the time! A small price to pay for such a beauty and for the unbelievable love they shared.

Marius could NEVER have afforded the wedding they were planning. It was fortunate that the bride’s father paid for most of it. He had insisted on paying for the marriage preparation course that they were doing though. Both he and Daria had wanted to do it. Even though they were blissfully happy and looked up to as shining examples of a perfect couple by many of their friends, they both agreed that they would do everything they could to make it last. They were committed to beating the odds and as their relationship coach had said, “You are going to spend a fortune on your wedding day (too true) why not spend some time and energy making sure the marriage lasts”. To be honest, Marius had a vested interest in the course. There were some things he wanted to discuss with Daria but was to bring them up without some backup.

Marius was a school teacher and absolutely loved what he did. He loved the kids, he loved the school environment and he loved teaching. He hated how little he earned and in contrast how much Daria earned. Her PR business was growing in leaps and bounds. He was astounded at how much her business coach charged but could not argue the value. “They are amazing” he often heard her saying. If he were to dig deep he would have to admit that there seemed to be an unspoken rule that Daria made already the financial decisions and they were only living together! Engaged but not married. Almost as if because she earned more, she had more power when it came to financial decisions. The thought of it created a tension in his stomach which he would later realise was mounting resentment. In fact, whenever it happened it reinforced his belief that she was a control freak.

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Their first session with the marriage coach was so interesting and totally different to what either of them expected. They worked through the concept of difference. He used the analogy of the Yin Yang symbol. “We are all essentially different” he explained. ”The Yin Yang symbolizes two whole human beings joining together to complete each other. The white dots represent where you two are the same and the black and white paisley symbols depict how you are different. You are male and female, come from different families, different pasts, and different experiences. You have different expectations of what marriage means and where you are going. You have different likes and dislikes. Where one of you has expertise, the other is probably ignorant and just like a successful company has a board consisting of DIFFERENT expertise (MD, HR, Sales, Marketing, FD, Operations) which make them a team, so do your differences complete you.” Coach was an avid Dr. Demartini fan and had spent many hours with him in training. They then moved onto the theory of Axiology. The concept of human beings actually only being loyal to their own high values was new to them. They used Dr. Demartini’s Value Determination Model which they found at www.drdemartini.com. Clearly Marius loved and valued his ability to teach and assist the youth to create a platform from which to launch their lives. He loved it when he heard success stories from his past students. Daria on the other hand valued money and being in control of a successful organisation. She loved it when they had opened the branch in Cape Town and secretly could not wait to expand outside of South Africa. She had been away from home for a month without really missing it or Marius. The exercise of the 7 areas of life solidified who they were and elaborated on how they differed. “The course is not based on biblical teaching” the coach had explained before they started. “It’s about human behavior. You will learn about yourself and then your partner. Then you will share with each other. After the last module, you will know yourself and your partner at a much deeper level. It’s almost speed courting!” “Wow. He was right. I had never seen myself quite this was before. It explained why I make decisions the way I do and why Marius does the things he does” exclaimed Daria. Thank you for that coach. “Well that’s the easy part done,” he replied. “Now what I want you to do is write down 10 ways that your partners values (differences) benefit you directly. In other words, how do your partner’s values assist you in life and especially in your own high values? For example Marius, how does Daria’s love of her business directly benefit you?” “Phew coach, that’s a hard one. I can only think of how often she is away from home and when she is in town she gets home late and then STILL works on her laptop into the early hours of the morning!” “I know it’s easier to see the negatives. We humans tend to do that. I understand there are drawbacks and I don’t take away from that, but what are the

130 positives? Remember that the world is perfectly balanced and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, every cloud has a silver lining. So Marius, find the silver lining”. “OK. Well her salary allows me to earn less while I do what I love” “Yes, what else?” “Her salary allows us to live in a great home” “Yes, what else?” “Our kids go to a private school” “Yes, what else?” “We drive nice cars and have a good medical aid” “Yes. You are getting it, well done. Now tell me the benefits of her been away and working so hard” “Huh???” “The silver lining Marius, find the silver lining!” “OK. OK. ……. UM….. Help?” “What did you do when she was away opening her branch in Cape Town?” “Oh. I spent time with my parents” “Yes, what else?” “I spent time with my friends” “Yes, what else?” “Oh, I had time to mark my students exams in peace” Daria’s eyes shot up and they all laughed. “Ok. I think you are getting it. Marius, can you see that when she is away, it is both good and bad? That there is ALWAYS a silver lining?” OK guys, keep going. Write down as many as you can and before you know it, you will see exactly how you complete each other and how your respective values are a blessing to you! Marius, if you do this properly, you will look forward to her opening her next branch and being away for a while!”

The second session was just as interesting. They worked through Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages and 5 languages of apology. Coach had asked them to go to www.5lovelanguages.com and do the exercises. “There are 5 love languages,” coach explained. “The chances are you both have a different one. Remember the Yin Yang symbology? Now, you will express love in your love language and you will feel most loved when you receive love in YOUR own love language but if your partner has a different love language, they will generally express love in their love language, not yours. My love language is Words-of-Affirmation. For me it’s simple. Just say, ‘Stephen, I love you. You are magnificent’ and we are done. Now my wife’s is trickier. Hers is Quality-Time. Aish man! I have to go shopping with her, I have to sit and talk to her and when I play golf she gets annoyed that I am with my golf clubs for 6 hours instead of her!” Daria and Marius both nodded. Having done the exercise they now knew what their love language was. Marius was also Words-of-Affirmation (coach knew this because Marius had previously mentioned how he loved hearing from his past students). Daria’s was Acts-of-Service. Coach smiled. “I secretly think my wife’s love language is actually Acts-of-Service,” he shared. Pretending to scan the room to see if she was within hearing distance. “Whenever I call to say I LOVE YOU, I end up putting down the phone with a list of jobs!!!” Marius almost fell off his chair laughing. Daria’s smile was not convincing. “I can relate to that

131 coach. What’s it all about? I must be honest. Daria can be a bit bossy,” he had stopped laughing and looked quite concerned as he shared the last sentence, glancing furtively at Daria to gauge her reaction. “It’s simply the way we are wired. And we are all different,” coach explained. “But before we go into that, please would you face each other, get close, get present and then tell each other exactly how your love language works for you, why it is important and give examples of times when your partner did it right. Please, I want you to be direct and explicit. We teach others how to treat us. You now have an opportunity to teach your partner exactly how you like to be loved. This is when we go out of passive love into what I call Active love. Passive love is expressing love in your love language. Active love is when you express love in your partners love language. When my wife SMS’s me during the day to tell me she loves me, I really appreciate it because it’s not her natural love language. She is actively reaching out to make me feel really loved. Likewise, when she gets home at night, I run us a bath and we sit together for an hour and I ask her questions about her job and also family stuff as these are her high value areas. That is active love.” Daria’s eyes sparkled. She loved that story. “Right Marius, get over here and let’s get started,” she commanded jokingly. “Sir, yes Sir” he responded with a mock salute and dutifully moved closer to her. We all laughed. “Daria. I love it when you talk to me. I love it when you tell me I am cute. And when you tell me you are proud of me. I love it when you introduce me so proudly as YOUR husband. When you re-assure me when I am faltering. I love it when you compliment my cooking and when you tell me I am a great lover. I love it when you say that my students are lucky to have me as their teacher.” “Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I will most certainly keep it up. Phew, and I thought that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Now I know it’s through his ears,” she quipped, flashing her beautiful smile. “I love it when you do things for me. I love it when you make the bed on a Saturday morning. I love it when you make dinner for us. I LOVE it when you check my car tyres and get them replaced when they are worn. I love it when you find us places to go away on long weekends, and book them and arrange everything. I love it when you bring me flowers and chocolates too.” “Ah yes,” interjected coach. “Gifts came a close second in your assessment, didn’t it? Tell Marius about that too. What kind of gifts and how often?” “Oh, I just love all gifts. It showed me that you thought of me. I loved it when you bought the two coffee cups for us. The gifts don’t have to be big but they do need to be thoughtful. Don’t ever give me a gift voucher for my birthday. That’s just an absolute cop-out.” “Ok,” replied Marius, “so is that why you always take a gift when we go to friends for dinner? And always arrive with a gift for your niece and nephew?” “Yes baby, I want them to feel loved and know that I love them.”

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“OH, I also love it when you call me ‘baby’!” Marius added with a huge smile. “Please say that again.” “Baby, baby, baby, baby,” she crooned to his absolute delight. They were holding hands now, still facing each other and were so connected. Coach felt like a bit an intruder. “Can I top up anyone’s coffee while you spend a special moment together?” he offered, feeling totally comfortable in their home.

“If you have ever attended one of Dr. Demartini’s talks or seminars,” he continued when he got back and they had separated and were temporarily out of their little togetherness moment. “You will know about his teachings on duality. There is no person, situation, personality trait or event that is 100% positive or 100% negative. Newton’s third law states that any action creates an opposite and equal reaction. There is always balance. So your love language is also your hate language. When you are fighting, you will withhold your love. You will withhold your words and your time and your gifts. Have you noticed that when girls are angry they stop talking to you? This brings us to the languages of apology which is the same theory as the love languages. There are five languages of apology and you have one prominent one. Your partners one will probably be different. So what I would like you to do is share your apology language with your partner and then formulate a mock apology to them specifically using THEIR apology language. Please remember that an apology does not offer an explanation or justification. This is not an apology, “My darling, I am so sorry that I got annoyed with you last night but if you had not ignored me all night, it would not have happened”. That is not an apology. You are not sorry and you are actually starting a new argument. This would be better, “My darling, I am so sorry I got annoyed with you last night. I was wrong to do so. In retrospect, I could have handled that much better”. So Marius, your top two are, “I am sorry, I was wrong” and Daria, yours are, “Please will you forgive me, what must I do to make it better? Please go ahead with the exercise now.” To be continued ….

Tineal and John Tineal was bored. She did not want to be here, and had reluctantly agreed just to appease her insistent friends. It had been a long year and she really just wanted to be in bed, chatting to her friends on Wattsapp. Although not really a drinker, she was quite drunk and although she felt within her a future that included a man, she was in no rush to find one. She smiled at the memory of her mother catching her having a good old snog at her 18th birthday party. To be honest she could not see what the fuss was all about. Her parents were weird as were most married couples she knew who seemed to spend most of their marriages either complaining about their spouses or actually fighting with them.

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She was somewhat intrigued about sex though. Some of her friends had started young and claimed it was marvelous! Well, after the first fumbling false starts anyway. Her parents never spoke about it and she had done all she could to cut short the inevitable, “Birds and the bees” talk. How embarrassing!

John was a good looking guy and a man’s man. Just one of those magnetic personalities that people were inexplicably drawn to. Unfortunately he was pissing Tineal off. “What is it with males?” she shuddered as he ran around receiving numerous HI-Fives from his mates after downing another beer in record time. Her bitter aunt had said it rather well, “Why do we have to get the whole pig when all we really want is the sausage?” Tineal shuddered again at the mental image. “OMG”, it was Jacqui who had stealthily crept up behind her, “Who is that guy?” “Some dumbass” came the bored reply. Dumbass or not, Jacqui moved toward the bar in order to ‘accidentally’ cross paths with him.

It was some weeks later when she saw him again. It was Brett’s wedding and although John tidied up well, his drunken antics later left her cold. There was an strange moment though, when he caught her eye as she was eating. The beautifully prepared beef medallions were much more interesting anyway. Tineal was not overly gregarious and could not help feeling that some of these social occasions, although important, were somewhat tedious. She would much rather be snuggled up in bed with the latest Stephanie Meyer novel or re-re-re-re-watching Mocking Jay.

Tineal was no prude but she certainly preferred being asked to dance while the guy was still sober enough to make it across the dance floor without tripping over his own feet. She humoured Greg this time as he was a good friend and she really needed something to do. Dumbass’s date was cute and they danced nicely together. “I wonder what he’s really like?” she caught herself thinking. “Lose the friends and he could actually pass as a human being with some manners” she mused. He looked directly into her eyes right then and smiled gently. It was almost as if he knew what she was thinking. It was probably just as well that she did know what flashed through his mind!

It had taken two years for the universe to conspire to put them together in the same room again. They had both grown up somewhat. “Hey, you look familiar?” he said. “Yes John” she replied wondering why she was smiling and then feeling the warm blood slowly creep 134 up her neck and overtake her face. “You were at Brett’s wedding. Where is your girlfriend today?” Did you really just say that? She asked herself blushing even more. What has got into you? “What girlfriend? I don’t like been tied down man. So many girls, so little time” he laughed and his face lit up as he did. Hers crumbled into a scowl as she quickly turned and walked away without another word. What is it with men that they need to be such arseholes, she fumed to herself. “However, if we were to get close, I am sure I would never look at another girl again”. It was dumbass. He had followed her. “Listen man, I am sorry. Sometimes I say stupid things. Will you forgive me?” “Nothing to forgive” she replied curtly, “I asked and you answered”. “Yeah. But I lied. I don’t know why. I don’t seem to be able to think clearly when I am with you. Please, let me make it up to you. Could we meet for a drink sometime?” “I don’t know. Maybe a coffee one lunchtime or a drink after work?”

That was not the last time she would turn him down. She was simply not interested and he was nothing like the person she dreamed of being with. One of the traits she did like though was tenacity and he had it in abundance. She eventually capitulated. Not because she particularly liked him but more because she wanted to get him off her case.

It was early and a bit cold. The car journey had taken 2 hours. She was hungry and still a bit tired. Hot air balloon? Why? What? Seriously? It was noisy up there. The wind was blowing, it was cramped, there was rope everywhere and it was sooooo beautiful. My goodness. The view. What the fuck is John doing on the floor of the basket? “Tineal, we have been together for some time now. I have grown to love you. I love your family. I love Oscar (my dog). I cannot perceive of a life without you in it. [OMG. He’s proposing!!] Please would you do me the honor of marrying me?” [OMG the size of that ring – it’s beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the man at my feet on his one knee on the floor of the hot air balloon basket] “Yes John. Yes. I will marry you” and I am in his arms and we are both crying and it’s the happiest day of my life and I want to shout out to everyone that he is mine and I want to Wattsapp my friends and my mom and my dad [Oh God, what’s he gonna say?] and thank god granny is still alive, she may make it to the wedding and gosh, who will I choose to be my bridesmaids and how do we find a wedding venue and where will our kids go to school? The sparkling wine topped it off and the ring looked stunning on my finger. [I’m engaged, I’m engaged, I’m engaged to this beautiful specimen who just happens to be beaming down at me! Does it get any better than this???]

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John was doing well financially. Apparently stock brokers earned very well. She just wished that he was not so focused on work all the time. Who cares that the Dow is opening in 10 minutes? And she could not quite understand why he enjoyed gambling so much. She had joined him a couple of times but felt like a spare wheel. All of his mates were there and it was as much a piss up with the usual male testosterone pumping in abundance as it was about actually playing the tables. It was hard to tell if anyone actually won. John said that he was probably ahead in terms of winning and losing but she was astounded at how much money he was willing to risk on a single hand. And if the truth be told, she really did not like his friend Tony at all. She often caught him staring at her and she found him overly sexual in both his mannerisms and vocabulary. He simply gave her the creeps. Kevin on the other hand was quite nice although she did find him a bit controlling at times. “Beep Beep” sounded her iPhone 6S with a message from John: *Love you babe. Thank you for agreeing to marry me. I am sooooooooooooo lucky* *Love you 2 sweetheart* she replied quickly, smiling to herself *would you mind bringing picking up some bread and milk on the way home?* She could not wait to see him later and was really getting to enjoy the intimate side of their relationship. Her first time had been uninspiring and she was pleased that John was able to make it exciting and very pleasurable. She blushed slightly at how she sometimes wished it would last just a couple more minutes though. It did not seem fair. He always climaxed but then it was over (well for an hour or so at least) while she was often on the verge when it all abruptly ended.

The wedding was beautiful. The staff at Shepstone Gardens were just amazing and their preferred suppliers top notch. Everything ran smoothly except for the little incident with mother in law at the rehearsal. Luckily the minister was very experienced and handled it quickly. Of course, no one expected John to tear-up during the vows. Looking up at his handsome face, him beautifully dressed in his black suit and choking up was almost too much for her. She wished she could have just stepped forward and hugged him for a while. The minister made the day with his short, sweet and appropriately humorous message. The food was good, the alcohol flowed, the music blared and the people danced. Time stood still for Tineal and John. They simply knew that love was all that mattered and as the minister said, “Love conquers all”. What could go wrong? She remembered with another pang of annoyment how he had tried to get them on one of his ‘Relationship’ seminars. “John and Tineal” he had said, “We all know the divorce statistics. What most couples do not know is that pre-marital work can improve those odd by up to 30 percent! 136

Please don’t leave this to chance”. Tineal could have been convinced but John was dead against it. “Bloody money making racket. What can he tell us about our relationship? I Love you baby. Our love is stronger than anything life can throw at us” he had muttered.

The birth of the twins was emotionally draining and quite frankly, an overrated experience. Tineal could not believe how she and John argued. They could not agree on the kids names, no matter whether to move to a bigger home or not. John was all about money. Money, money, money money! The drop in the stock market had almost wiped them out but that didn’t stop his gambling. He claimed he could stop at any time, but she seriously doubted it. She was not an expert on addiction but this sure looked and smelt like it. She sighed as she poured herself another glass of Chardonnay, barely considering that it was only 11am.

Over time, so much seemed to change. There were times when she wondered if she knew him at all. At other times, she was absolutely infatuated with him and he with her. She hated the down times and they seemed to be returning quicker and quicker and stay for longer periods of time. She felt resentful when John was away and often wondered what he did until 2am some mornings. Surely you can’t gamble for that long? Luckily she had the girls. She so loved being a mom and even though times were tough, she appreciated being able to be with them all day. She wished John had been there to see little Brad take his first step and hear Tlana say, “Ma Ma. Ma Ma”. There were times she despaired of the kids ever seeing their father and having a wholesome childhood. John got angry with her when she mentioned it so she generally kept quiet about it. “Why isn’t he more like me?”, she mused. To be continued …..

Download “So you’re married now what?” at: www.stephenvanbasten.co.za/author.html to find out what happens next. Don’t forget to forward a copy to your spouse.

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Chapter 32 - End Authors Tip: Just enjoy your wedding day. It does not need to be stressful. Plan what you can, allow the professionals to manage it, and then fix anything that goes wrong with a knowing smile!

Thank you once again for reading my book. I sincerely hope that you found it interesting, insightful and most importantly incredibly helpful. I am 100% committed to assisting couples to get married and stay married. If this book has assisted you in doing so, my life becomes more complete.

And congratulations on finishing it. I find that most successful people are able to do what it takes to achieve what they want. Very often, when they really don’t feel like it. The book was not meant to be easy reading. Well done winner.

As always, I am very interested in your feedback. Why don’t you pop me a quick email telling me what you loved and what you hated. How I can improve and what was particularly enjoyable. Of course, if you found it meaningful, forwarded it to all of your friends who are in a relationship. A long lasting, fulfilling relationship could be the very best gift you can pass on to those you care for. [email protected]

And lastly. I encourage you to join me at one of my relationship seminars. I am fully aware that there is a stigma attached to marriage counselling. I don’t do that. This is about human behavior in relationships. And I know that guys don’t really want to take directions from other guys (it’s a boy thing). Offer him something VERY nice in return for the two hours we all spend together. I guarantee you, he will express his gratitude on the way home. If he does not, I will give you your money back. Remind him that I am also a boy and it will probably feel like I am slightly biased in favor of the men (which is absolute rubbish of course!).

I wish you a lifetime of beautiful growth. May your marriage be blessed with ups and downs, passionate storms and tranquil peace. May your kids challenge your ability to love unconditionally. May you be blessed with the wisdom to know when to stand up to bullies and when to submit. When to fight authority and when to accept your place in the hierarchy of life. When to say no to the kids and when to allow them their freedom and growth. May you sit on the proverbial ‘stoep’ one day, still in love, still holding hands, with a glass of red, fulfilled in the knowledge that despite the odds, you did good. That your

138 marriage and children were the ultimate teachers, and that given the chance, you would not change all that much.

Thank you, I love you.

Stephen van Basten

Would you assist me in my CSI initiative?

I lead a very privileged life and my favorite giving-back project is “Vegetize Kliptown Soweto”. I am working with two past offenders who registered an NGO to assist the youth in Soweto. While working with Khulisa Social Solutions and the NYDA in Kliptown and Orlando, I got angry when I saw a guy watering is lawn. It just struck me as one of the most stupid things to do. “Martin”, I enquired, “Can you eat grass?” From that day on we have a VERY cool motto. SOWETO NEEDS CARROTS NOT GRASS! And a million permutations like, “SOWETO NEEDS VEGGIES NOT ROSES”. We have worked so hard to change the poverty paradigms. The knee-jerk reaction to simply give as charity. How often have you heard the famous words, “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach him how to fish and he will eat forever?” Well when do we start TEACHING? Vegetize Kliptown Soweto is teaching them to grow their own veggies and also to sell them in order to buy more seeds.

If you have enjoyed this book and would love to thank me, you can do so by buying some seeds for my friends in Soweto. A packet of seeds only costs R20. Then ‘like’ the page on facebook https://www.facebook.com/vegetizekliptown?ref=hl . You can use “seeds” as a reference and please pop me an email with your details. I would love to honour you on the page too. (Feel free to set up a monthly payment if you feel moved to!)

My banking details are: Mr. ST van Basten Standard Bank (Private Banking) Account Number: 071001778 Branch: Sandton, Branch Code: 019205

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