THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT adorableISSUE

TEXAS TRAVESTY Michael Prohaska that guy who played with Broken Social Scene once Editor-In-Chief Ross Luippold Texas Travesty: So how has your life portunity to play with such a prominent Turn-ons: French horns, light changed since the big show? indie act? jazz, Canadians, female vocalists, Managing Stephen Short Michael Prohaska: Oh, it’s great. I’m MP: Well, I knew that some of the amphitheaters, great crowds, sell- Editors Thejaswi Maruvada a true rock star now. All my friends songs had trumpets on the track, and ing out the big show, breakin’ da have told me that I’ve changed a lot, I thought I would make a great addi- rulez, European folk music, French design director Matt Hutcheson and that I act differently around them. tion to the band. I snuck in backstage wine, proper tuning But that’s OK, I don’t really need to the rehearsal early in the day by Lead designer Alyssa Peters friends that aren’t already rock stars. tasering several members of the secu- rity team. It only took two measures Turn-offs: scalpers, major record Publicity Sara Nienkerk TT: What’s the next the step in your of my sweet trumpet riffs and the labels, cultural “norms,” people Zak Kinnaird musical career? Any big projects lined up? band had to have me. The security who only got into BSS after they Michael Prohaska MP: Now that I’m basically a mem- guards recovered and we all had a hit it big, people who say I sold ber of BSS, I’m currently working good laugh about it later. out, carbon emissions, parents WebMaster Chelsey Delaney on a few side projects, including my upcoming solo project with whale TT: Any advice for the rest of us trying Writing Staff Matt Ingebretson sounds and sitars called “Electric Birth to hit it big? Matt Lester Canal,” as well as a few local gigs, you MP: Just remember: People only Jon Neal know, to stay true to my roots. think you’re as great as you tell them Stephen Stecker you are. Malcolm Wardlaw TT: How did you did you get the op- Design Staff Libby Sanders Jessica Grantham not because collaboration is key to education, but language, large explosions, and Mexican bounty Julia Iacoviello because they secretly love to watch students panic hunters with machine gun guitar cases. And Robert Radoff while stridently faking coolness. pearls of wisdom. Matty Greene • Every four years government majors rise to the • The sun shall soon set on the Union Wendy’s around surface from the murky swamps in which they Guy’s reign as Most Esteemed Campus Character, Administrative Rachel Colson dwell to give unwanted commentary during and a noble heir must arise. Come forth, FAC Assistants Bobby Luedtke presidential inaugurations. Photo ID Guy, thy Facebook group awaits! Lara Grant campus • Goodbye, printing press. Everyone here at the • Hey, slow cyclists on Guadalupe between 29th Suzanne Lewis Travesty wishes you the best as you are decon- and 38th, just a friendly reminder: EVERYBODY C.J. Cervantes • As the financial crisis ensues, more people will be structed and dumped in a Kenyan landfill. HATES YOU. EVERYBODY. Dan Treadway forced to stare at Torchy’s longingly while eating • Mass commercialization has overshadowed the • Ooh, big city girl, too good to poop in the upper contact their Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch. real meaning of Valentine’s Day: Perpetuation of deck of the toilet, eh? Probably never peed on the phone 512-471-7898 • The guy you drag to see He’s Just Not That Into the species. sidewalk neither, huh? email [email protected] You is, most likely, just not that into your taste in • What’s the fun in carrying a gun if it’s illegal to • A special message to our South by Southwest web www.texastravesty.com movies. Or you. hide it? guests: You probably think of Austin as a mysti- • Ummm, yeeees, getting an MFA is a way to go. mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin • Much like the McRib, moonboots are back, but cal utopia where you get stoned, eat tacos, and p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Hey black people, the next time a professor they seriously smell bad covered in Bar-B-Q groove to some mad tuneage. Well, my brother, brings up the issue of race, look around the sauce. you ain’t wrong. editors emeritus classroom and see how many white people are • If Robert Rodriguez is speaking at commence- • If you’ve ever killed a guy, then it’s acceptable to Kevin Butler Todd Ross looking at you to see your reaction. ment, then every student should expect foul list only 24 things. 1997 Nienkerk • Instructors will ask students to pair up in class, Brad Butler 2003-2005 1997-2000 Kristin Hillery Ben Stroud 2005-2006 2000-2001 David Strauss Trevor Rosen 2006-2007 2001-2003 Veronica Hansen 40acres411 2007-2008 A new semester is here and while the Eric Malvoy has yet to get a date for And did you hear legalese studious types are busy buckling down, Valentine’s Day and is making plans to about Freshman The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- we here at the Travesty bring you the spend a romantic night alone. The eve- Madeline Brooks lication at the University of Texas at Austin, and her thirty year published monthly by the permanent and 411 on all the unbuckling going on! Get ning’s festivities are set to include a contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of ready 40 Acre friends, the gossip this candle lit dinner, soft music, and a big ol’ old former high (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not time around is juicier than the mission bottle of Lubriderm. It seems as though school english teach- based on any real person. Any resemblence to er. They spent the af- any persons living or dead is coincidental. The statement of a smoothie franchise! Cupid only had one arrow and aimed it views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect You know what wasn’t very smooth? directly at Malvoy’s left hand! ter guest hours in her the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much Brandon Shoreman’s boner at last One person you really have to hand it to dorm room reading anyone. All material printed is property of the literature and after Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for week’s basketball game! As fans rose to is devote Christian Cassidy Almond- readers under 18 years of age, regardless of their feet hoping for a fade away three to son and her neat fire spinning tricks. Un- that Faulked all night the pretty pictures. fortunately, Cassidy decided to spin the long! Take it from go, an awkwardly sitting Shoreman hoped shout outz to... them, putting Dickens his own hard three would fade. Poor fire out of control and light the house on Bouncer at Fiji, Hey woman, Nucular, Where are the Brandon, Abrams’ shot went all the way fire.W hile our sins are forgiven, arson will a contemporary con- new people, middle schoolers, no cover, small issue, text is always a titil- You must be some kind of queer, Jack Kennedy’s hung through the hoop, while your field goals not be. Maybe next time she will have a like an ox, Jon shooting Dr Pepper out of dixie cups, barely make it past the rim! different view of the everlasting fire of lating experience. Libby and Thej’s 4am groove session, if you liked it then you should have put a zing on it, I’ve NEVER On the subject of not scoring, sophomore God. seen you wear shorts, Voud you like some-ting from ze bar?; Stephen is Kleenex McGee; Pete & Pete, Longhorn’s head on wall once had dignity, Stuffed avocados cause Diabetes, Writer’s room smells Photos Cover SG Bills Centerspread Staff Fire Safety Staff sweaty, you dirty hippies, Ross the Raptor, Welcome february Matty Greene Alyssa Peters Libby Sanders Staff Michael Prohaska back Fritz! Hello Lorraine and Steve Cassel, Honey Hayley McAllister Evan Pearson Stephen Short Alyssa Peters 2 Frost 2 Nixon Jon Neal Comics Butter Chicken Biscuit, Irish Car Bombs, Robert is a 2009James Burger Michael Prohaska Malcolm Wardlaw Alyssa Peters Robert Radoff Staff mysterious spirit, Jewish girls quit, last-minute article, Chocolate Produce Matt Ingebretson Robert Radoff offensive 9/11 joke, goodbye printing press and thank you TSM Board :), no doors in the office, This issue Jessica Grantham Tour Guides Fonzie Michael Phelps Jen Madison doesn’t have the Estrada touch, Veronica’s in Italy!!! credits Alyssa Peters Mark Estrada Robert Radoff © 2009 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 22,500 wuving you this much since 1997 NEWS • 3 Campus media continues to ignore sick-ass Fiji foam party Ross Luippold the news was talking about, that’s the Legislature to al- Editor-in-chief w h at .” locate more money “And they wonder why newspapers to the University, the CAMPUS — Despite remaining the drunk driving arrest most talked-about issue on campus, of coach Augie Gar- the media blackout of the totally “Show me a guy rido, and all coverage fuckin’ sweet foam party at the Fiji of the Israeli-Pales- house last Saturday continues, as who cares about tinian conflict. How- not a single news outlet has reported tuition increases, ever, no media outlet on the hardiness of the party and has yet to report on instead persistently filed reports and I’ll show you a how Kevin’s dad pro- on boring topics like free speech vided eight kegs, the on campus, tuition hikes, and con- guy who’s probably sound system with cealed weapon laws. the thumpin’ bass, or “This is an outrage, a blatant act on too poor to get into those lowlifes who the part of the mainstream media one of our parties showed up and start- to trivialize the issues that students ed some shit before truly care about,” said Phi Gamma any w ays .” the bouncer whaled Delta president Chase Meyers at a on their ass to let press conference to raise awareness them know what’s up. of badass parties. “While the Daily While she recog- Texan and TSTV news reporters are a dying industry,” concluded Mey- nizes the importance are worried about shit that most ers, who then quickly shotgunned a of Fiji’s blowout on people couldn’t care less about, this Keystone Light and belched loudly Saturday night, Daily ■ Fiji was disappointed in the overwhelming amount of sausage at this party Photo courtesy one chick showed up totally sloshed into the microphone. Texan Editor Leah Hayley McAllister at, like, 12:30, and did a body shot “Fuck,” added Meyers. Finnegan stands by the tended one of Fiji’s dope highlighter plan to increase tuition again.” off of this other slut, and then they The foam party, which, according to Texan’s dubious journalistic choices. parties, nor has she proudly paraded In response to Finnegan’s com- both got pounded by my main man partygoers, began at 10:30 p.m. and “We at the Daily Texan strive to re- around West Campus wearing a ments, the Fiji president said, “Show Jason. It was all campus was talking did not end until “da break of dawn,” port on the most pressing issues fac- camouflage mini-skirt or a toga. me a guy who cares about tuition about for weeks. You know what received more attention per capita ing UT students today, and we will “I don’t have any other comment increases, and I’ll show you a guy they weren’t talking about? Fuckin’ from students than the combined continue to do so,” said Finnegan, right now. I’m busy working on an who’s probably too poor to get into faggy tuition or whatever the fuck stories of President Powers’ plea to who admits she has never even at- editorial about the Board of Regents’ one of our parties anyways.” Morbidly obese man insists he is the only survivor of shipwreck Matt Ingebretson a g e .” has picked up staff writer “I just wish I could understand how since the inci- 57 people disappeared without a dent. “Other NEW YORK — A sense of joy and trace,” added Perret. than that I just loss permeated the air yesterday Breckman’s account of his ordeal tried to defend when a single passenger of the Queen has been longwinded and inconsis- myself from all Loraine, a midsize ferry which ran tent. Doctors explained his somewhat the raccoons aground on a deserted island 60 delirious behavior as simply an after- on the island. miles off the Eastern seaboard, was effect of a traumatic experience. That’s where discovered alive and well. While all of these rescuers are still scouring the island, scratch and Gerald Breckman, a morbidly obese He then asserted bite marks on man who was found near the wreck- my body came age, insists he is the sole survivor of that all 102 pieces f rom .” the initial 58 who boarded the ferry. When ques- Breckman, a sales-floor representa- of luggage in the tioned about tive at Mattress Giant, is being lauded the fate of the as a hero for surviving 34 days on the cargo hold were r e m a i n i n g sparsely vegetated island. Investiga- his and that he was passengers, tors are describing his feat as “noth- B r e c k m a n ing short of miraculous,” citing the in fact, “captain of became in- dearth of food and supplies on the dignant and ship and island, and Breckman’s con- this vessel.” insisted that siderable girth as creating a near un- there were ■ Breckman ate this guy. Photo courtesy Creative Commons survivable scenario. never any other “I can’t believe it’s really him,” has overcome insurmountable odds. “What I find most incredible about “Spear fishing is how I did it, see. passengers. He then asserted that all squealed 30 year-old systems analyst I hope he runs for mayor!” this case is that Mr. Breckman actual- Picked it up in about a day and then 102 pieces of luggage in the cargo Jim Beacham as Breckman passed As of press time, crash site investi- ly gained weight while on the island,” it was just like, goodnight sister, and hold were his and that he was in fact, him in a parade route atop a tissue gators have unearthed large pits filled said chief investigator Cory Perret. “I I was eating like a king, catching 20 “captain of this vessel.” paper and mylar decorated float de- with the bones of unidentified mam- can’t begin to imagine what he did on or 30 fish a day,” said the 533-pound Following the rescue operation, picting Breckman’s massive body mals. that island to make it through, but Breckman as he gnawed on his Breckman received a hero’s welcome protruding from the ship wreckage. whatever it was, it took a lot of cour- knuckles, a habit his friends say he in his hometown of Buffalo. “He’s an inspiration to anyone who

NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • february 2009 Hannity replaces Colmes Veteran pundit ‘a natural fit,’ says network Cuba Gooding, Jr. accepted into Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences internship program LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Cuba advantage over the other applicants Gooding, Jr., star of Boat Trip, Snow by having won a Best Supporting Dogs, and Daddy Day Camp, has Actor Oscar. But he also sounded received a formal invitation to be- enthusiastic, adaptable, and detail- come the newest member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & “They must receive Sciences Summer Internship Pro- gram. tons of applications “I was getting nervous,” the Os- each year, so I car-winning actor while reading NEW YORK, NY — Sean Hannity, that the majority of Hannity & Col- over the congratulatory letter from figured my chances conservative broadcaster and co- mes viewers respond strongly to the AMPAS Administrative Associate of getting accepted host of FOX News’ Hannity & Col- views and opinions of commenta- Lisa Gibbons. “They must receive mes, has been tapped to replace Alan tors like Sean Hannity,” said News tons of applications each year, so I were pretty slim.” Colmes after the liberal pundit’s de- Corp. Vice President Teri Everett. figured my chances of getting ac- parture from the show. “As it turns out, the host of Hannity’s cepted were pretty slim. I’ll have to oriented — all of which will come Mr. Hannity, who hosts both Han- America is the only pundit with the send thank-you notes to Mr. [Cam- in handy when we implement our ■ Gooding hurries to bring nity & Colmes and Hannity’s Ameri- courage and God-given love of free- eron] Crowe and Mr. [Tom] Cruise new mail database.” Robert Evans a Red Bull at ca, as well as his top-rated radio talk dom to go head-to-head with Sean for their nice letters of recommen- Although Mr. Gooding is unsure January’s Golden Globes Photo show, was determined by FOX exec- himself.” dation.” what the future holds after his in- courtesy Creative Commons utives to be the most suitable co-host In an official statement, Mr. Colm- Ms. Gibbons described her first ternship, he remains optimistic. ing then went shopping for a smart- to take over Colmes’ vacated spot. es said, “Gone from show. No more impressions to Mr. Gooding’s appli- “I’ve always loved movies. It’s good looking tie and went to bed early to “After much research, we’ve found Hannity. NO MORE HANNITY.” cation. “Well, Cuba already had an to get your foot in the door.” Good- prepare for his big day. + Name: Whole Earth Provisions - Displ; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black plus one, Whole Earth Provisions - Displ; Comment: Travesty-4Color; Ad Number: 00034745

4 • news www.texastravesty.com wuving You This much since 1997 NEWS • 5 Interest in rock feigned Everyone trying Geological Sciences class actually couldn’t to figure out if guy care less about specimen’s crystal lattice sitting in front is gay CAMPUS — Everyone in Dr. Gary Dog bad CAMPUS — Students in Dr. Louis Grommet’s Rhetoric of Economics Long’s Introduction to Geology class has begun to wonder if the guy class acted as if they were interested who sits in the front and raises his in the quartz monzonite sample, a hand often is a homosexual. While type of intrusive igneous rock that the class does not want to jump to has an approximately equal propor- any conclusions, evidence is abun- tion of orthoclase and plagioclase dant to indicate that the somewhat feldspars, which Long sent around stylish but undeniably effeminate the class on Tuesday. student is in fact sexually attracted to The rock gradually made its way members of his own sex. around the room as Long lectured “He kind of talks like he’s gay,” on the convergence of plutons re- fingers across the sample and pre- everyone was quoted as saying af- sulting in the formation of mam- tended to gauge how heavy it was ter class on Wednesday before go- moth batholiths. just in case anyone was watching ing their separate ways. “We know “That’s neat,” mumbled fresh- him. “It’s shiny.” it’s okay if he is, but I wish he would man Evan Parsons as he ran his casually make some comment about having a boyfriend or renting gay ANNAPOLIS, MD — Chloe, a ways and quickly devolved into “a porn to put this debate to rest once small Terrier puppy, was a very, little devil” when her owner came Friend of friend has the hookup and for all. It’s been bugging the hell very, bad dog Tuesday morning. home to overturned trash cans, out of us. It’s not every day that you AUSTIN — Friend of friend of lo- the transaction. Bad dog. ruined blinds, and excrement ev- get to take a class with a real, life gay cal guy-in-need Shawn Fazende “Shawn seemed really desper- Reports indicate that she did erywhere. person, and all we're asking for is a reportedly has the hookup Fazende ate, so I decided to give my buddy many treat-worthy things the Chloe will definitely be spend- clear confirmation or denial.” has been waiting for, and plans to a call. He’s totally the guy to go to. previous week, like not chewing ing the next few hours in solitary The student in question remains hook up Fazende later this week. Shawn owes me one.” on a new pair of Topsiders and confinement in the back closet, blissfully unaware that everyone has Fazende was previously un- Following the hookup, Fazende not peeing on the carpet. She was until Mommy thinks she’s ready been debating his sexual orientation, sure whether anyone would come added, “I’ve been waiting for this so good, yes she was. However, to be a good girl. and is reportedly doing fabulous. through for him. Fortunately, Fa- for a long time. I’ll have to get him Chloe abandoned her forthright zende’s friend, who at first did not back later. One thing’s for sure ­­— want to bother his other friend, I’ve got a long night ahead of me.” had a change of heart and initiated Freedom Tower architects reassigned to preemptive Shorts-wearing man not cold Freedom Tower Memorial Tower planning TULSA — Despite a sharp drop a group of shivering friends. “I just in temperature to below-freezing don’t really get cold. Do any of you NEW YORK, NY — Architects engineering for the Freedom Tower the lot,” said real estate mogul Larry weather Saturday evening, 29 year- want to borrow my sweatshirt? I’m mapping plans for the long-in-de- Memorial Tower. Silverstein. “I think our resources old Jeremy Wernick, who was wear- getting kind of hot, actually.” velopment Freedom Tower received “We’re really hoping that there’s will be better spent on this project in- ing a pair of khaki cargo shorts and According to Wernick's friends, notification Monday morning that an outpouring of patriotism after stead. It seems like a waste of time to a sweatshirt, reported to a group of he also refused to dip a Buffalo wing further plans to build the September something happens in the next three build something that’s just gonna… friends that he failed to register the appetizer into bleu cheese dressing 11th memorial had been postponed to four years that will translate into Hey, would you look at the time? I’m universally agreed-upon coldness. at Chili's later that evening, claiming indefinitely in favor of preliminary funds so we can build something on late for a meeting with Trump!” “Where I come from, it’s way cold- they were “not at all spicy.” er. This is nothing,” said Wernick to Local man’s self-deprecating ARE YOU A jokes not really jokes FUCKING DALLAS — Stockroom manager and coworkers, despite the lack of wit PROFESSIONAL!?!? Christopher Velez, 48, riled up his or cleverness that would indicate that coworkers yesterday with one of his Valez has a sense of humor about his classic self-effacing jokes that was, in low self-esteem. Then join The Travesty! fact, not a joke at all. “Chris is really funny, in a dark “My life is worthless and is con- way,” said coworker Margaret Adkins. Pick up an application at tinually spiraling in an unstoppable “The other day when he told me that vortex of misery,” said Velez to a he was going to go home and finish the CMC front desk or group of guffawing friends. “The off a bottle of Liquid Plumber, I was only thing more empty than my ex- rolling on the floor with hysterics.” online at texastravesty.com istence is my soul.” At press time, Velez could be Velez’s wry attitude has earned found locked in his room with the him popularity amongst his friends lights turned off, sobbing.

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AR 12 In Support of Changing SG’s Voicemail Message Student Government WHEREAS the current SG voicemail message is, “[Brief pause] Hey, Bills is this thing on? [Brief pause.] Are we still going to Gattitown AR 21 Motion to Support AR 27 In Support of World Peace later?” Removing the Wild Bear from WHEREAS Student Government, as the Conference Room a reputable institution, de- WHEREAS Former SG Vice WHEREAS world peace is good. mands a professional outgoing message. President Frankie Shulkin is WHEREAS the student body unable to discharge his duties supports world peace by 52 THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED DUE TO excessive loss of blood percent. that a committee of five DUE TO recent Bear attack. persons be created to THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that form a proposal to study WHEREAS oh my God the Bear is Peace on Earth shall reign potential candidates for quickly approaching. forever, and ever. [Amen.] the development of a criterion. WHEREAS everyone should get to the other side of the room and remove all raw meats and honeys AR 17 Proposal to Replace WHEREAS in from their person. SG Resolutions WHEREAS oh my God, it got WHEREAS people are fucking tired of saying WHEREAS. Chelsea! HEREUNTOFORTH the Assembly shall refuse to use WHEREAS. HEREUNTOFORE the Bear shall THE THING IS: SO, LIKE I SAID EARLIER, or ASTOWHEREFORE assume all duties and sounds better. responsibilities of the Office ASTOWHEREFORE this is what we’re going with. of Vice President.

features • 7 8 • economic collapse economic collapse • 9

The Global Recession and You: Your Guide to the Coming Apocalypse A Great by Malcolm Wardlaw: Financial Expert Worried about the recession So, you’ve been hearing a lot about this “financial collapse,” THE “economic recession,” and even this “Holy crap we’re all going to getting worse? Well don’t! die!“ and you’re wondering what it all means. What it means to Because have...we’re going to You. Your drunk roommate can’t help you, your 19th century Brit- ish Lit prof just makes obscure Dickens references, and you’re too GREATEST ® lost in Anderson Cooper’s dreamy blue eyes to figure out what he’s saying. Well Champ, I’m here to lay it all out for you in simple English, step by step. You’ll finally be able to explain the difference between a SubPrime Mortgage Backed Debt Instrument, a Credit Default Swap, sponsored by Prozak The 1930s ain’t got and your own ass. Once you finish this feature, you’ll be so well informed people will start saying “Hey, nuthin’ on us! who invited that smug bastard to the party?”

What’s this sub-prime mortgage mess I keep hearing about? Listen up Ace, this is where it all began. It works like this: I want to buy a house. Unfortunately, I am also former rap star MC Hammer, and I am still paying off the 5 million dollars I borrowed from Tone- Loc back in the 80s. No worries. I will just get a “sub-prime” loan with an interest rate of 185% per month, which I am definitely going to pay back. Definitely. Now the bank needs to “screen” me to see if I can pay back my loan. This process is slightly different if I am a “sub-prime” borrower. Refer to this handy chart:

Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Not so fast there Tiger! Let’s say I’m the bank who just lent MC Hammer a million bucks. That was really stupid of me! Or was it stupid, like a fox? The next day, a guy from Washington Mutual offers to give me five billion dollars and the CEO’s firstborn son for the right to get all the money MC Hammer is definitely going to pay back. Definitely. Just for grins, I throw in all of the money I’m due to get from Vanilla Ice, Kool Moe Dee, and the white guy from Kid ‘n Play. Six months later, retro hip-hop samples give way to remixed Gregorian Chants, and WaMu collapses in a heap of smoldering rubble.

So how does this affect me? Keep your pants on Kemosabe, I’m getting there. Somewhere out there, a ma starts a company to manufacture plushy Mudkips. He wants to hire 50 UT grads to work making them. To pay them, he needs money.

Ordinarily, the process would work like this:

But, now it works like this:

Takeaways? Start stocking up on Ramen. And maybe shotgun shells, just to be safe.

How can I plan for the future? Good question Slugger. The main thing you want to do is to change your spending habits, de- pending on your current profession. The following is a handy guide:

Housewife Student

Old Spending New Spending Old Spending New Spending Old Spending New Spending Public School Leftover Ramen 5% Deadbolts 10% Cristal Bookie Burlap Grandma’s 486 15% Ferrari 15% Manicures Housing 15% Ramen 5% 5% 20% 10% 25% 20% Tuition Axe Body Private 25% Tuition Crack Johnnie Spray Take that, Grandpa! Johnnie School Shotgun Macbook 70% Ferrari 85% Walker 5% Entourage Walker Apparel 45% Ammo 30% Insurance 35% Boone’s Farm 20% 5% 15% 35% 45% 15% Axe Body Spray 10% Boone’s Farm C-List Celebrity 15% 8 • Economic collapse economic collapse • 9 10 • FEATURES texas travesty • february 2009

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Matt Isemann Blind Hungover Quote: “And on the left we have Martin Schwartz what is colloquially known as the Quote: “And 436 paces to your left you will six pack, God, I’m never drinking see the PCL.” again...Please, not so loud.” Tips for prospective students: Watch out Tips for prospective students: for rogue Clydesdales. They might kick you Don’t ever mix Jager bombs, in the face.

Guinness, and Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits.

Clippy Quote: “As an antiquated word rd Helper o H document help feature my knowl- Tom Wallerson omeless edge of the real world is limited Quote: “I graduated top of my class in to subject verb agreement and the School of Social Work.” formal letter template selection. Tips for prospective students: And on the right are the football I recommend checking the dumpster be-

stadium. hind Kinsolving on Thursdays; it’s chicken

fried steak and gravy night.” Tips for prospective students: W Micros 1. Click on Format 2. Scroll down to Paragraph 3. Under Line Spacing select Double

Sir William C. Powers Jr., Esquire. Alex Staveman Quote: “If you’ll look up t there at tower, you can Quote: “Damnit. I forgot to buy see where I work. UT is a lighter. Does anybody have a kind of my little playground. light? I know that we’re supposed I’m a pretty Powers-ful man to be doing this tour thing but I around here.” really need to smoke.” Tips for prospective students: Hop on Tips for prospective students: No, seriously. We’re not going to go Needs a Ligh

William Powers William and hold on tight, little buddy. anywhere until I get a light.

Opp u rtunistic Kyle Boggins r Dr. John T. Hansborough Quote: “If you look to your left, you’ll Quote: “RAWWRRRRRR” see an H-E-B. I’m gonna run in and Tips for prospective students: grab a few things real quick.” “wRAAAAWRRSSHHSHHrrrEEEEEE” Tips for prospective students: [ripping of fl esh] Study hard. Oh look, there’s my

car. So long! Velocirapto

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features • 13 14 • OPINION texas travesty • february 2009 If only I could find a dorm-dwelling guitarist to offer a record deal Merv Herschowitz somewhere, dorm-dwelling guitar- I can’t seem to figure out what the Speaking of which, in addition to make it. But the show must go on, so big-time record producer ist, show yourself. I want to sign you problem is. Maybe if college guys my music executive career I also if anyone out there thinks they have to a multi-record deal, and launch understood how many girls they’d happen to manage a few live mu- what it takes to fill in, let me know. your music career. Because you, attract by learning “Crash Into Me,” sic venues. We’ve got Ben Harper I’m really getting desperate here. my friend, are the Next Big Thing. I they’d look into the guitar a little scheduled to perform in Austin in should know; I’m a big-time record more. There must be some stigma a few weeks, and it turns out Ben executive. attached to playing guitar. Is “Ba- Harper himself won’t be able to The type of musician I’m searching nana Pancakes” too challenging a Name: Book People; Width: 22p9; Depth: 4 in; Color: Black, Book for is simple: I want a kid, preferably song to learn? Is “Wonderwall” be- People; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00032966 18 or 19, who sits in the hallway of fore their time? his dorm with his acoustic guitar Everyone has heard stories about and plays Jack Johnson and Dash- failure in the music industry, but board Confessional covers. Any the less reported story is how fre- knowledge of John Mayer’s work is quently guitarists hone their chops always a plus. Does this person exist on a bench outside their dorm, and anywhere? I’ll be damned if he does, play Madison Square Garden within because for the life of me I can’t find a year. One time, in 1992, I was on As a big-time record producer, spot- him. a college campus, and I heard a kid ting talent is in my blood. My entire Also, he must know how to play playing “Tears in Heaven.” I stopped career, I’ve learned that the world’s and sing Green Day’s “Time of Your dead in my tracks and signed him best talent comes from the most Life.” That’s a telltale sign of future on the spot. That kid’s name? Jack unlikely places — The Beatles were stardom. White. So even if people tell you to just a ragtag group of misfits from I’ve scoured college dormitories give up on your guitar dreams, keep Liverpool, Bon Jovi were bad boys across the country, from Cal to NYU, strumming, Jimi. You have a special, from the wrong side of the tracks in from Florida to Texas. Everywhere I indescribable quality that those ple- Jersey, Eminem rose from the slums go, I see the same thing. I see dorks beians can’t detect. of Detroit to rap stardom. playing Call of Duty and Nintendo If you own a guitar, take it every- There’d never been any shortage Wii, and losers playing Ultimate where you go, because you never of fresh, new artists just waiting to Frisbee in the quad. Why can’t these know when a powerful music indus- become stars. But for the first time kids pick up an acoustic guitar and try insider like myself will offer you in my career, the type of talent I’m start strumming? Three chords is an audition. You should even bring looking for just doesn’t seem to ex- all I ask. And maybe a quirky Dave some friends along if any of them ist anywhere. If you’re out there Matthews riff. happen to play bongos. If I could do it all over again, I would be wouldn’t really care how I got the do other things with. a billionaire money. Maybe I could have been I probably could Mark Zeigler a pro ball player, or owned Micro- have bought a bigger shift manager soft or something. The way I got it house, a flat screen wouldn’t be the important part, it TV, or taken my would just be the having it part that recently divorced I would like. wife on a second I recently read the biography of honeymoon thereby Warren Buffet, the multi-billion dol- preventing her from lar man and personal hero of mine. marrying that op- Warren said that the way he made tometrist from the his fortune was through hard work, east side of town. smart investing, and a voracious I’m pretty sure that appetite for success. And while the if I had been sub- only thing I have a voracious appe- stantially wealthier tite for is a full rack of ribs, I respect it would have just the man’s ability to secure obscene been like bing-bang- amounts of money for himself. boom and the wife’s I’m not the type of person who No matter how hard I try, I can’t not gallivanting mopes around all day complaining think of any downsides to having off to motels with about how bad his life is; that’s not one, maybe two billion dollars. strange men in the my style. I’ve got a decent life, all in For instance, I love boats. Small middle of the day all. I’m the 9-to-5 manager at a Wal- boats, big boats, it doesn’t make a while I mope on the green’s, play third base in my com- difference to me. Unfortunately, on couch watching my munity softball league, and own a my current salary, I will never have soaps. small house on the edge of town. But enough money to buy one. And God Not that I’m miser- if I could go back and do it all over knows I can’t get a loan in this piece able now, though. I again, I would be a billionaire. of crud economy. But if I was a bil- just think that having I know they say that retrospect is lionaire, I could probably buy a boat billions of dollars 20/20, but I sincerely believe that in about a second. would’ve been the my life could have been significant- And if you think about it, even single most positive ly better if I had figured out a way after buying something expensive force in my life. to obtain a huge sum of money. I like a boat, I still would have had a whole bunch of money left over to 14 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com wuving you this much since 1997 comics • 15

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