FINAL FOUR SPECIAL EDITION

Confused? This is a special edition of The Chronicle devoted to thia weekend's Final Four. But THE CHRONICLE there's more than just that in today's issue. FRIDAY. APRIL 1.1994 DUKE UNIVERSITY DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA manummmamaaim Public Safety plans to reissue citations

By MICHAEL SAUL justice standpoint," Wardell said. Four state citations filed "But we will [issue state cita­ against University students fol­ tions] if we can identify the people lowing lastweekend's post-game that are starting these fires." celebration will be reissued, Public Safety officials decided Duke Public Safety officials an­ this year for the first time to cite nounced Thursday. students if they start or tend one "We are going to assume that ofthe bonfires that traditionally the citations have to be cor­ follow Blue Devil basketball vic­ rected," said ChiefLewis Wardell tories in the NCAA tournament. of Public Safety. The original The undergraduate student citations will be dismissed." government president is plan­ FourUniversitystudentswere ning to lobby a top Allen Build­ charged with igniting an unau­ ing official today in an effort ei­ thorized fire following Duke's ther to convince the University MIN CE LI/THE CHRONICLE triumph over Purdue in the to sponsor a bonfire or to agree Southeast Regional finals Sat­ not to arrest students. The Duke Coach K addresses supporters prior to the team's departure for Charlotte Thursday. urday. The citations were Student Government passed leg­ deemed invalid because they islation Wednesday demanding were signed by a Public Safety that the University follow prece­ Men's basketball seeks 3rd title officer rather than a city fire dent and sponsor an official bon­ inspector. fire. By CHRIS HURTGEN But for Duke and head coach vantage,"Krzyzewskisaid."We Public Safety officials haveyet Dr. Charles Putman, execu­ On paper, it looks like the Mike Krzyzewski, Charlotte is lost there the last time [in the to determine the charges on the tive vice president for adminis­ men's basketball team might anything but iriendly turf. ACC Tournament] and there are new citations. tration, said Wednesday that he have a home-court advantage The Blue Devils will head to more Carolina fans in Charlotte But Wardell said fire inspec­ supported Public Safety's deci­ at the Final Four in Charlotte. the Queen City in search ofthen - than there are in Chapel Hill." tors will join a security force of sion to issue citations as well as The Queen City is just 150 third national championship in If the Blue Devils carry any more than 200 officers for the the decision not to sponsor a bon­ miles from Durham, it's located the last four years. Duke de­ advantage into Saturday's Final Four games this weekend. fire. Hudson was scheduled to in Duke's home state, and the feated Kansas for the 1991 na­ NCAA Tournament semifinal And students who ignite a bon­ speak with Putman today at 8 Blue Devils played in the Char­ tional title, then the Blue Dev­ against Florida, they have an fire or otherwise break the law a.m. lotte Coliseum three weeks ago ils came back to beat Michigan edge in experience. Five of will be sanctioned, he said. "Public Safety's efforts to in the Atlantic Coast Confer­ for the 1992 crown. Duke's 12 roster players own a "It is not our intention to body overcontrol the situation may ence tournament. "I don't feel there's any ad- Sea DUKE on page 4 • slam a student from a criminal See FIRE on page 3 •• 4 teams journey to Charlotte with championship hopes

By JIM O'CONNELL meet in the first semifinal with Florida the year last season — is the Associated Press going against Duke in the other. The focal point. He did a remark­ CHARLOTTE — It was a slow day winners meet Monday night for the na­ able job on Purdue's Glenn leading to the Final Four. tional championship, a first for any but Robinson in the regional The fans began arriving Thursday, not Duke, which won it all in 1991 and 1992. championship game, but it yet the painted faces certain to populate This is the Blue Devils' seventh Final came with a lot of help from the Charlotte Coliseum this weekend. Four appearance in nine years, a figure Lang and center Cherokee The teams arrive, but there's business made even more impressive when you Parks. to attend to, so all anyone sees are play­ realize no conference had that many The latter has 13 blocked ers and coaches waving from baggage representatives in the same period. shots in the four NCAA Tour­ carousels or on their way to buses. "I think we get a lot of respect from a nament games. Speaking of buses, that's the mode of lot of people based on what we did in the "Duke recognizes that they transportation for one team this year. past," Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski have the opportunity to do Duke made the 150-mile trek to Char­ said. "This is this year and we have to something with this team and lotte in a mini-caravan of chartered buses focus on this year and what these kids they are also proud of their accompanied by an escort from the North are doing." tradition," Florida head coach Carolina Highway Patrol. Duke (27-5) left the NCAA Tourna­ Lon Kruger said. "But this Because there was so little going on ment in uncharacteristic fashion lastyear, Duke team has to perform. Thursday, it was a good day to look for knocked out in the second round by Cali­ Either Duke's team or our omens. You can start with the buses. fornia. The three seniors — Grant Hill, team will be better on Satur­ The last team to make its way to the Antonio Lang and Marty Clark — have day, and nothing else mat­ Final Four in a bus was Kansas in 1988. two championship rings, but this is all ters." The Jayhawks made the one-hour drive new to the sophomores and freshmen. Florida (29-7) is lucky past to Kansas City, Mo., then won it all. This team has developed their own performance doesn't count The only Final Four held in the state personality," Krzyzewski said. "We re­ because this is the school's JEN POTTHEISER/THE CHANTICLEER ofNorth Carolina wasin 1974at Greens­ ally had to change in personality and first Final Four appearance. The Blue Devils hope to celebrate in Charlotte. boro. The team that took it all that year changed our points of emphasis. The Kruger has turned a program was an in-state group from North Caro­ way they've picked that up has been as close to bottom as it could get into one "People are enjoying the success of lina State. very pleasing." that actually has some football fans look­ Florida basketball and our fans are com­ The omens will long be forgotten by The point of emphasis has become the ing away from spring practice this week­ fortable, the team's doing well, compet- Saturday when Arkansas and Arizona defense, and Hill — defensive player of end. See FINAL FOUR on page 6 •- THE CHRONICLE FRIDAY, APRIL 1. 1994 $5,000 for a ticket? This Final Four just might be worth it When Dr. James Naismith first took to the court meaning to the term "widebody." with a peach basket and a stitched leather ball, it's This year's Final Four truly has it all. There's hidden doubtful he ever thought someone would pay $5,000 to From the cheap seats drama. There's on-the-court excitement. There's some­ watch two teams play the game he was about to invent. Abe Wehmiller thing for everyone, regardless of school allegiance, Now, he must be rolling over in his grave. hometown or political preference. For as the Final Four comes to Charlotte, scalpers are And for those outside North Carolina, or those in Sit still, Dr. Naismith — $5,000 may not be such a bringing in between two and five grand for lower level Chapel Hill, or anyone else who has a reason to deeply 1 after all. tickets to the two semifinals and the championship despise the Blue Devils, here's a chance to see them game. $5,000. That's almost a third of a high-school falter in their own backyard. But don't hold your teacher's starting salary. That's two year's worth of breath — it doesn't happen too often. summer jobs. That's over $40 per minute of basketball. •The nation's best backcourt. No, I'm not talking But before you turn up your nose and go watch it all about Duke's Chris Collins and Jeff Capel, though on CBS, consider the many reasons one would shell out Collins is certainly the most enthusiastic of all the so much dough to see these games. players who have made it this far, and Capel has •The perennial underdog. This year, it's Florida. proven himself to be the most improved. This title goes Before this year, the Gators had not been ranked inthe to Arizona's Khalid Reeves and Damon Stoudamire. nation's top-25 since 1989, and started this season Reeves and Stoudamire average 24.2 and 18.3 points again out ofthe polls. They rose no higher than 14th per game, respectively. They run the Wildcats' offense. the entire year. Inthe 75-year history oftheir program, They represent both coasts of the United States — they have never been to a Final Four. Reeves hailing from the New York, Stoudamire from Yet the Gators took their No. 3 seed in the East Region Oregon — and thus guarantee Lute Olson's squad fans and made this year's version of the Cinderella run even outside the deserts of Tucson. through the tournament. Then head coach Lon Kruger •Presidential attendance. Though Bill Clinton has broke down in tears. Wicked stepmothers stay home. already decided against attending Saturday's games •The undisputed favorite. Unlike Florida, Arkansas and has not yet made final his intentions to be in the was atop the polls for nine weeks this season, making stands for the championship matchup, speculation that runs of four and fiveconsecutiv e weeks. The Razorbacks' the President will make the trip down from Washington helter skelter defense, often referred to as "40 minutes has driven ticket prices through the roof. Should Con­ of Hell," is nothing short of unnerving to watch, let alone gress decide to allocate funds for the trip, it is rumored play against. Head coach Nolan Richardson has already Clinton will gladly pay the $5,000 price (double that if he been honored as the Naismith Coach ofthe Year, and the uses Department of Defense money) for his seat. group of young stars that has brought the Hogs this far With one ticket each for Bill, Hillary, Chelsea and 30 is arguably the most talented of all the teams in Char­ members ofthe secret service, we're talking big bucks. lotte. Mean sounding nickname, too. A little advice, Chelsea: Stay home, it's a school night. •The hometown favorite. If there's a homecourt ad­ •The players. Yes, a few buyers may actually pay the vantage in Charlotte, Duke has it. Teams from North money because they love watching great players make Carolina have brought home the last three national great plays. With three All-Americans — Duke's Grant championships, and it's clear that the state's residents Hill.Arkansas' Corliss Williamson andArizona'sReeves take their basketball almost as seriously as their to­ — this Final Four will have no shortage of talent. JEN POTTHEISER/THE CHANTICLEER bacco. Here's a rare chance for the locals to see a team And if you're a Gator fan? You've got Dametri Hill, Duke hopes to use tight defense to win the national take home the title without even crossing state lines. that 6-7, 290-pound mass of a player who gives new championship in front of the home-state crowd.

^TsSceofChl85^ Good Luck In The 3CCFT KESTaMJKAJNT fit BAR Final 4! GO BLUE DEVILS From Your Neighbors At Join Us For The Big Game The Shoppes At Lakewood and enjoy our daily specials 3 Big Screens Lots of Seats Duke University Drive 7 TVs I The Shoppes at Lakewood • 2000 Chapel Hill Rd. • 493-0910

|<>ShoppersSt. Shoppes at Lakewood Located Directly Behind Duke are From One Dynasty TTHElSHOPPES AT 1 to Another... Free Delivery to Duke and Surrounding Area GOOD LUCK 5:30-9:30 p.m. ($10 minimum) Located inside the courtyard of Dutch Village Inn, IJafewDod IN 2306 Elder St., intersection of Elder & Fulton next to CHARLOTTE Duke North and VA Hospitals 2000 CHAPEL HILL ROAD • DURHAM 286-2255'286-1133 We're Not Just Fans, We're Neighbors! FRIDAY. APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHRONICLE Former Dukie gives reasons why Florida will prevail

Hello.. . again. It has been nearly a There you have it, Duke fans, every­ year since my mumblings have graced 4. Kevin Kruger: The coach's 10-year thing you need to know for the big game. these pages — a year that for me has Guest Column old son sits with the team on the bench Look for me in Charlotte. I'll be the been filled with dutiful diligence in pur­ and garners plenty of CBS air-time. Mike guy with the little blue horns and the big suit of a solitary goal. Marc Sacks Krzyzewski lacks such a male progeny, green tail. You see, after four years at Duke, steady as it is spectacular. Brown, the and may become distracted by Kevin's Marc Sacks is a Florida law student basketball into the dawn of April had team's only senior starter, came to cuteness. However, Chris Collins sitting and former assistant sports editor of The become a right, not a privilege. So as I Florida on the heels of an NCAA scandal on the Duke bench may help negate this Chronicle. He is currently studying the began my law school career (read: de­ that made UF's off-court reputation as advantage. life and philosophy of Benedict Arnold. scent into hell) at the University of bad as its on-court play. Along with head 5. Steve Spurrier: The man who led Florida, I took it upon myself to ensure coach Lon Kruger, Brown has led the the Duke football team to its only bowl the Gators a trip to Charlotte. reemergence of an entire program; by game in the last 35 years is now Florida's Believe me, the task has been far from doing tilings the right way. gridiron leader. A recognized offensive Hudson to easy. Basketball tradition at Florida is The "right way" is also how Brown genius, Spurrier may be called on by an oxymoron. After all, Gator hoops is shoots the trey. His three-pointer in over­ Kruger for tips on negotiating a tremen­ better known for punks than dunks. time sent Connecticut packing, and his dous Blue Devil defense. lobby senior Despite these monumental obstacles, back-to-back triples turned a three-point 6. Zilch: The value of Duke's volumi­ a team that just a season ago lost in the deficit into a commanding six-point lead nous Final Four history when the open­ first round ofthe NIT (ifyou Duke fans against Boston College in the East Re­ ing tip goes up. administrator don't know that term, don't worry, youll gional final.Cross , the junior point guard, 7. Tiny: The nickname of Florida re­ • FIRE from page 1 never have to) has suddenly moved into has struggled offensively in the tourna­ serve point guard Greg Williams, who lead to the celebration being more out a basketball mansion to which even the ment, but his aggressive, physical de­ broke all of Duke assistant coach Tommy of control because it's creating a lot of Tar Heels have no key. fense could make Jeff Capel's Purdue Amaker's records in high school. A jeal­ tensions between the students and Speaking of that metaphorical man­ epiphany a distant memory. ous and bitter Amaker will try to con­ Public Safety," said Trinity senior Paul sion, the Blue Devils don't even have to 2. Andrew DeClercq: Florida's 6-10 vince Krzyzewski to focus all Duke's Hudson, DSG president "I think it's register anymore. Their arrival is pre­ power forward would join Chris Collins defensive efforts on the inexperienced an unfortunate situation." sumed and their favorite room is always on the "All-Most Likely to be Prescribed freshman. I can hear Amaker now: "But Hudson charged that members of ready — complete with monogrammed Lithium to Curb On-court Hyperactiv­ Mike, he's the Little Dog." the administration altered the arrest towels. Because ofthis familiarity, Duke ity" team. DeClercq may lack the talent, 8. Whoppers: While Duke's roster has policy without garnering student input fans might think Florida will stumble but his intensity fuels the Gators. He more McDonald's All-Americans than a "My concern has been with the failure through the corridors and take a few had 20 (not a typo) rebounds against Big Mac has grams of fat, the Gator of Public Safety and administrative ser­ wrong turns on the path to a quick and Kentucky earlier this season and played team boasts nary a one. This fact is vices to bringthe new arrest policy to the painless exit. his best game in months against B.C. significant only in that every true hoops table " Hudson said. "I think that is a But basketball is full of surprises (e.g. 3. Fat Boy: Better known as near-300- maven knows Mr. Burger King would breech of confidence between the admin­ UConn's Donyell Marshall bricking two pound Dametri Hill, Florida's center has crush Mickey D. in a game of one-on- istration and students." freebies that should have sent the Gators been the butt (no pun intended) of jokes one. By the way, Dametri Hill single- Wardell said Public Safety is just back to the swamp last weekend) and in by every announcer, writer and oppos­ handedly keeps Burger King in busi­ doing its job. that vein, I present 10 reasons why ing fan he has encountered. And while ness (see, no one can resist). "I can'tletafirehappen,"he said. "Paul Florida can beat Duke Saturday night. Hill looks like Fat Albert, he has the 9. Florida and Wake Forest have many Hudson should stand at the edge of tbe 1. Craig and Dan: The Gator backcourt touch of Ginger Rogers and the footwork similarities. fire and protect his constituency." of Craig Brown and Dan Cross is as of Fred Astaire. By the way, our Hill is 10.1 go to UF!

We BULLieve In The From Your Biggest Fans Blue Bevils! Your Friends & Merchants Durham at Bulls The Triangle's Team,* Season Opening Homestand N O RTHGATE April 15-21 Duke Day Apiil 18 Duke ws. Carolina al the DAP May 8 1-85 and Gregson Street JJ 2&6-44O0 THE CHRONICLE FRIDAY, APRIL 1. 1994 Blue Devils' cohesiveness Duke vs. Florida Game time: Saturday, 8:12 PM Duke record: 27-5 Place: Charlotte Coliseum Florida record: 29-7 keys postseason success TV/Radio: Ch. 5/WDNC 620 AM Series record: Duke leads 9-2 UF AP national ranking: 14 Last meeting: Duke beat Florida 93- • DUKE from page 1 "I especially like how Jeff Capel has Florida coach: Lon Kruger 70 at Tucson, Ariz., in 1987 national title ring. Krzyzewski himself played in the NCAA Tournament," has two in six previous trips to college Krzyzewski said. "I think the three basketball's "Big Dance." But the specif­ games before Purdue helped him, so ANALYSIS THE NOD ics of all that success are far from that when he was in the situation, he Florida cannot hope to stop Hill, and if Krzyzewski's mind. was much more assertive." Parks and Lang continue their solid play, it "I don't like thinking back right now," Krzyzewski has given much credit to will be a long night for the Gators. Dametri Krzyzewski said. "I'm thinking ahead. his senior co-captains, particularly Hill Hill has his famous shot Da-Meat Hook, We're proud of what we've done each and Antonio Lang, for fostering an envi­ while DeClercq is a solid player who was season, but I don't like to spend much ronment where players like Capel could recruited by Duke out of high school. time—in fact, any time—talking about shine. the past. I would like to just focus on this Again, the transformation from a col­ Brown and Cross are underrated and year. When the whole thing's over, I'll lection of players to a cohesive team form one ofthe best backcourts in the coun­ look back." didn't happen over night. try. They will cause problems with their This week, the spotlight is on the "We have had a different personality quickness and shooting ability. Capel is /IA Gators. Duke matches up well with and a different defense for the last three playing the best basketball ofhis life, while or four years — especially with Bobby ra Collins has been cold from long-range. BY THE NUMBERS [Hurley] pressuring the basketball and picking up full court more," Krzyzewski Clark and Meek have been quiet lately, said. u but they are capable of solid contributions "We really had to change our person­ this weekend. Jason Anderson comes offthe c bench to score seven points per game for the ality, and we've changed. Our points of ii m @ emphasis—the way they've picked that Gators. There is no distinct advantage in 78.0 m Points 75.3 up — has been very pleasing to me." this category. 67.1 *oints allowed 67.9 48.9 45.6 So pleasing, in fact, that at times dur­ Florida is tough toTead. The Gators may FG% ing the 1993-94 season, Krzyzewski sat be overwhelmed by the occasion, or they 3G.2 3ft.% 35.8 on the bench — and just watched. He may go in relaxed and with nothing to lose. 70.9 n% 70.8 35.9 39.7 expects to do a lot of that in Charlotte, Duke has plenty of NCAA experience and Rebounds particularly against Florida and its head the best tourney coach in the business, so Florida — so to speak. coach, Lon Kruger. the Blue Devils get the edge. "It's tough to talk about matchups, "Actually, we're going to be two ofthe except for the team matchups," most boring suckers who've ever been Don't expect a shoot-out in this game. Both teams are defensively-oriented, Krzyzewski said. "For some games, I'm regional champions and then played in and neither has been dominating opponents in the NCAAs. Still, Duke is a little sure you put your charts up there — the Final Four," Krzyzewski said ofthe more talented and much more experienced. If the Gator guards are kept under who's going to start, who's going to play coaching matchup. "I really bebeve we control, Duke will win. By how much? Consider this: Duke has won its four that guard — and analyze everything. both allow our players to play and our NCAA Tournament games by 12,11,10 and nine points, in that order. The Blue In some games, that's very important. I teams to play. That's been the strength Devils will keep the pattern going, 72-64. —Compiled By Dan Wichman think in this game, it's how each team of both units." functions. Each team plays really well together." For the Blue Devils, it took a whole season to develop that cohesiveness. It Team makes short bus trip to Charlotte came, for sure, in the second half against By RANDALL CHASE briefly before the team's chartered bus played at Duke. ...Theyjustkeptcoming Purdue when Duke played for six min­ Associated Press left the Duke campus for the Queen back until they actually got it done. And utes without senior All-America Grant DURHAM — No jokes about airline City. then they got it done again. Hill, who was on the bench with four food this time around. "We're excited to go back again," Lang "After that last year, I'm sure a lot of fouls. Traveling to the site of the NCAA said. "Let's do it again; let's put another people felt that maybe the Duke team "We've tried to keep Grant on the men's basketball championship has be­ banner up in Cameron." would kind of live on its past. This team court most ofthe time," Krzyzewski said. come somewhat of a ritual for Duke, Duke's past triumphs don't over­ has created its own identity... Not that "In a couple of the games that we lost, I which is making its seventh trip in nine shadow this year's accomplishments, it's any better or worse or whatever, but thought that at the end ofthe ball game, years to the Final Four. Krzyzewski said. it's a different identity." we were tired — and he was especially Butthisyear'sFinalFourisjustahop, "This season has been really one ofthe Duke fans have changed as well, tired and we became too dependent on skip and jump shot over to Charlotte, special seasons for me in my 14 years Krzyzewski said. him. where Duke will try to win its third title. here at Duke," he said. "They forgot about what the teams of "That even happened inthe ACC tour­ Just hop on the bus, Gus. Duke teams struggled for years before the past did, and they kind of hopped nament. But I was very pleased with "We're goingto enter Charlotte a little making it to the Final Four, and for onto this team and watched this team how they responded [against Purdue.]" bit silently this time, but hopefully well several more years before winning the develop, which is what I was trying to The player who stepped up in that be leaving it with a bang," head coach title not once, but twice, Krzyzewski say during the year. game, more than any other, was fresh­ Mike Krzyzewski told about 300 fans noted. "That's what you need to do for every man Jeff Capel. A contributor all season Thursday before the team left. "I always marveled at the resolve and team, and I really am thankful that you long, Capel beeame a leader last Satur­ Krzyzewski and seniors Marty Clark, the persistence of the young men who did that." day. Antonio Lang and Grant Hill spoke DUKE BLUE DEVILS FLORIDA GATORS No. Player Pos. Hfit. Class PPG RPG Hometown No. Player Pos. Hgt. Class PPG RPG Hometown 3 Brian Thompson F 66 So. 5.5 3.9 Atlanta, Ga. 3 Marty Clark G 6-6 Sr. 8.3 1.9 Western Springs, III. 4 Craig Brown G 6-3 Sr. 15.0 4.9 Steelton, Pa. 5 Jeff Capel a 6-5 Fr. 8.4 2.7 Fayetteville, N.C. 5 Jason Anderson F/G 64 So. 7.1 3.8 College Park. Ga. 20 Chris Collins G 6-3 So. 10.2 2.1 Northbrook, III. 10 Greg Williams G 6-2 Fr. 2.1 0.9 Fairfax, Va. 21 Antonio Lang F &8 Sr. 12.4 5.4 Mobile, Ma. 11 Dan Williams G 6-3 Fr. 0.0 0.0 Dunedin, Fla. 30 Tony Moore f &S So. 1.1 0.8 Washington, D.C. 12 Dan Cross G 6-3 Jr. 15.9 3.8 Carbondale, III. 31 Stan Brunson F M Jr. 0.0 0.3 Newark, Del. 15 Martii Kuisma F 6-11 Sr. 4.7 2.4 Helsinki, Finland 33 Grant Hill F/G 68 Sr. 17.3 6.7 Reston, Va. 21 Joel Reinhart F 6-5 Fr. 1.0 0.5 Cocoa Beach, Fla. 34 Carmen Wallace F 6« Fr. 1.6 0.5 Wilmington, Del. 30 Clayton Bates G 6-2 So. 0.7 0.3 Gainesville, Fla. 42 Joey Beard F 6-9 Fr. 1.3 0.5 Reston, Va. 33 Tony Mickens F 65 Jr. 1.9 1.5 Memphis, Tenn. 44 Cherokee Parks c 6-11 Jr. 14.5 8.3 Huntington Beach, Calif.3 4 John Griffiths C 6-10 Fr. 1.0 1.2 Lilburn, Ga. 52 Erik Meek c 6-10 Jr. 3.6 4.2 Escondido, Calif. 35 Dametri Hill C 6-7 So. 12.6 4.8 St. Petersburg. Fla. 55 Greg Newton F 6-11 Fr. 1.2 1.4 NiagaraFails.Ont. 40 Svein Dyrkolbotn C/F 6-8 Jr. 1.9 1.6 Bergen, Norway 55 Andrew DeClercq F 610 Jr. 8.7 7.9 Clearwater, Fla.

Probable starters in italics Probable starters in italics FRIDAY. APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHOMICAL

EXHIBITS A Day In the Life of Central Campus This color photographic documentaiy dis­ 'Walking on Painted Grass' wins show plays the life of or lack thereof on Central Campus. An opening reception for the pho­ By A. CAPELLA NASHIN jumped up and applauded wildly, giving tographer, I. M. Bored, will he held in the University faculty and employees DeMike a score of 10. Evangebcal gave Multipurpose Room. Food will be catered by Uncle Harry's. Through tomorrow; The Multi­ turned out en masse to attempt to im­ him a negative two. purpose Room press a stone-faced panel of judges with The highest score of the evening was Tabloids their artistic, musical, dance and dra­ awarded to head groundskeeper Fixin Journalists from tabloids ali over the world, matic talents or lacks thereof. Thechapel for his revolutionary art ex­ for the first time, create artworks including mystical animals and creatures out of their The show began with a trio of Pubic hibit, "The Main West Quad." Coldhands favorite articles. Through April 31; DUFUS; Safety Officers singing one oftheir favor­ refused to comment, but Evangelical gave coins accepted ite songs, "We Didn't Start the Fire." it a four because ofthe exhibit's "simple We The Women They merrily danced around the stage, austerity, symbobzing the bleakness of This exhibit is a photodocumentary of the playing air guitars and banging sets of air lives of three Latvian, Jewish, Short Femi­ life in a department without majors." nists. Come and see for yourself what this drums. Judge Larry Evangelical was not Thechapel celebrated the score by burst­ worid is coming to. You're not multicultural if amused and gave them a negative score ing into a rendition ofhis award-winning you don't come. Until the photos fade: North after being denied his request that they a cappella arrangement "Walking on Northwest Gallery of DUFUS be issued citations for giving pyromanical Painted Grass." ideas to undergrads. Judge Nanny Dressed much more formally than the Coldhands refused to comment or to give other participants, Coach Michelangelo DANCE them a score. andhis wife Michelangela displayed their The Dancing Dervishes After the total failure of the first act, designer chair. The chair was signed by NOT SO SPECIAL TO THE CHRONICLE Graduates ofthe University who were former the audience braced itself for the n?xt Michelangelo and designed, painted, built Judges Evangelical and Coldhands Dancing Devyis will perform this embarrass­ ing, half-naked demonstration of their gym­ artist. Einolds Priceless came on stage, and vjirTushedbyMicnelaiigeiS. TlilS piSCS nastic prowess. Please come because they wearing a SFE sweatshirt to perform a of furniture was originally constructed as For the evening's finale, Bobbitt don:t uuu'A S"yS0dy wi"- May- Camera-on; 7 dramatic monologue while drunk. purely art for arts sake, but upon the Coldhands leapt on stage in a surprise a.m.; You'll be paid $5 ifyou come "My goal," Priceless stated in a post- request of Serge Zweibak, the chair was guest performance to provide an inter- Shark Dances performance interview "was to make the donated to the Carobna sidelines so pretational dance of terpsichorealgrace . This phenomenal biannual demonstration of aquatic abilities will put to shame anything statement that Greek life, drinking and Zweibak could be more comfortable. The piece was titled "The conceptual real­ your goldfish can do. Come and see them. intellectualism can go hand in hand." Joe Pietriandsausage then displayed ity of Near and Far" and was a tribute to They're mean, they're bad, they're ugly. Twice Although he received widespread ac­ his new pasta sauce, which was judged Grover, Coldhands' intellectual role a year: Noah's; § p.m.; Bring some fish bait claim from members ofthe audience, he one of "America's Best Institutional model. or you'll be the bait got a score of zero from Evangelical, and Marinaras" by Redbook magazine. Upon Nanny Coldhands blushed furiously, ColdHands again refused to comment or tasting the sauce, Evangebcal gave it a and ran offto take a cold shower in her give a score. negative four and muttered something plush Allen building office bathroom. CULINARY ARTS One of the more popular performers about declining standards, while guest ColdHands would not comment. Food Feast was Harry DeMike. Approaching the mi­ panelist Sue Wasidrunkorwhat quickly As the disappointed audience left an Come sample the finest in University dining crophone in a red dress and high heels, ordered a beer towas h it down. Coldhands undisclosed academic building on West at campus eateries. Enter the competition to see if you can distinguish plastic from the DeMike treated the audience to an emo­ refused to partake of the sauce or com­ campus withoutaverdict, SteveNowkxfwi pasta at the Rodenthskellar. Bet you can't! tional monologue. He closed his powerful ment on the advisability of introducing it sang a medley of his favorite birdsongs, Every day at inconvenient hours; You know dramatic performance with the kind and campuswide. Dean of Repression Janet the meanings ofwhich are unavailable at where -'cause you eat there every day: courteous words, "Thank you for using Dikdemover catcalled her objections, this time. There were no words todescrib e Exhorbitant prices ACES." For the first time Coldnands screaming for a No-Sauce Weekend. this event ComputerLand ~ Business to business. Person to person. *S APARTMENTS & TOWNHOUSES Introducing The Compaq Concerto Now Big Things Come In Small Packages

COMPAQ COMPAQ. TS CONCERTO CONCERTO We have a wide variety cf spacious *486SL Proces­ two & three bedroom.gardm apartments sor, 25 or and tinvnhouses. 33 MhZ 2 •Stdroom Apartments, 1Z00-1S00 Sq. ft. Concerto 4/25 120MB HD for 3 'Stdroom Apartments, U00-2200 Sq. ft. *8k internal $1918! cache ...the quizt andprivacy you want, located just minutes from 'Dukg. and f Concerto 4/33 250MB HD for *9.5" Backlit The 'MedicalCenter. Mono Monitor $2283! • ad electric and fully carpeted • water, drapes, disposal, refrigerators, *3-year world­ wide pickup/ stoves and dishwashers Offer good through carry-in • two swimming pools, three plcaffrounds April 30, 1994 warranty, on- & three laundry rooms site option comma • affordable prices Located: CALL FOR FURTHER INFORMA.TION 2132'M.ford'Dr. 1-800-457-0289 ar 460-5342 (justqfflS.SOl'BusmtSi) rtreiay - Friday, Sam- 5pn Mours: Mon - fri 8:30 - 5 489-3111 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY. APRIL 1, 1994 Erector of DUMA looks back at Halters positioning By CAROLINE BRASSIERE pointment was announced, But by October, Mezzatesticle's posi­ November. Nearly five months after losinga pres­ Mezzatesticle was massaged with great tions with the Halters had been seri­ To console himself on the job loss, tigious museum directorship, Michael fanfare. ously strained. Amidst allegations of Mezzatesticle has been taking long trips Mezzatesticle is chafing in Durham. "[Mezzatesticle's] diverse experience compensation disputes and power to South .America to tan himself. "It was like being hit by a bolt of in a wide range of erotic art fields,couple d tussles, "It has become clear that there On campus, Mezzatesticle is best know lightning," Mezzatesticle said. Tvenever with his proven leadership abilities, are fundamental and irreconcilable dif­ for adding to the Mausoleum's collection felt so impotent before, and I have no make him the prime candidate to lead ferences between Dr. Mezzatesticle's of mediocre modern paintings by well- idea why." the Halters Art Gallery," said Halters missionary position and values and those endowed Muscovite women. He has also Mezzatesticle's wife declined to com­ board director Jay Wilddaughterin June. of the Halters," Wilddaughter said in initiated the SomeHo's at Duke exhibit. ment on what she called a "limp" issue, Mezzatesticle had accepted the direc­ torship of the Halters Art Gallery in Baltimore last June after a wild 6.9 Northern freshmen prepare for life in hell years as Erector ofthe Duke University By HARRY PITTS lated incident, two students reported Dean ofthe Chapel Wild Wienerman, Mausoleum of Art. The Office of Student Parenting has near-death experiences while attempt­ a chronic advocate of intellectualism on Although Mezzatesticle brought ex­ proposed a special combat training semi­ ing to cross Erwin Road. campus, said he feels confident that the citing new forms of artistic expression to nar as an addition to next year's fresh­ The seminars will be counted towards North Campus residents will far sur­ campus, including the renowned "12 men orientation. All North Campus resi­ graduation as small group learning ex­ pass all other University students in people f-ing like rabbits in the dark," his dents will be required to complete the periences and are expected to promote striving towards the image ofthe ideal hopes of building a new museum were 20-hour session. intellectualism on campus. intellectual student. dashed by some botanist growing weeds The program is in response to the "We sec the basic training as a chance "Clearly, the *We work hard, we play on the site potential donor Ray™!3iid disturbing incidents that happened on for students to foster relationships that hard'motto sported by so manystudents Hashlliaii had selected for growing mari­ North Campus this year. Five students will extend beyond the classroom. Hope­ will blossom into "We work hard, we play juana in order to fund the project. suffered head injuries from large chunks fully, on a Friday night, students will be hard, we can dodge land mines like speed­ So last spring, Mezzatesticle of falling plaster while playing ping- inclined to say to each other, 'Hey! We ing bullets hard, we can leap construc­ schmoozed his way into the cultural pong in Hanes Annex commons room. need to work on small ballistic missile tion trenches in a single bound hard, we elite of Baltimore and won a position at Five beamers with Jersey license plates execution techniques. Let's skip the kegs are hard-bodied young Americans com­ the climax ofthe art world. At a meeting reported flat tires as the result of the tonight and see if we can't get that stuff pared to all of those sissy-faced Easties. of the museum's board when his ap­ construction on Flowers Drive. In a re­ down pat,"' said Dean Sue Guacamole. In a word, we are hard,"' he said.

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It's great to be in the Final Four again! Show your support for the Blue Devils and your pride in the team at these on-campus celebrations: Saturday

•Get Ready! Cameron Indoor Stadium opens its doors at 6:45 p.m. for game viewing on a large-screen television. Admission is by Duke student ID only. Free soft drinks and pizza available for a limited period; drinks and concessions then available on DukeCard or cash.

• Gator Wrestling — Duke versus Florida! Game time is 8:12 p.m. See ya in Cameron!

•Victory Celebrations! Live band in the Card Gym parking lot beginning immediately after the game! Highlight film showcasing past NCAA tournament games shown on the lawn outside the IM Building. Non-alcoholic beverages and concessions available on DukeCard or cash. Monday

• One More Time! If (when) Duke wins Saturday, Cameron opens at 7:50 p.m. for viewing of the national championship. Admission by Duke student ED only; refreshments again available.

• Let's go Duke! Duke versus the winner of Arkansas-Arizona. Game time is 9:22 p.m.

•Victory celebrations, Part II! More live music in the Card Gym lot, more filmed NCAA highlights outside the IM Building, more refreshments. Tuesday

• Welcome Back! The team will return to Cameron for a welcome-home rally beginning at noon.

Campus Safety

It's great to celebrate, but let's do so responsibly. Final Four or not, state laws against underage drinking and igniting fires are still in effect, and will be enforced by Duke Public Safety. Don't risk letting an arrest or citation ruin the season for you — be smart and be safe!

Take advantage of the safety resources available on campus. The Women's Center will provide a site for alcohol-free game viewing on Saturday night, and Safe Haven will be open from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Friday and Saturday. Four addi­ tional buses will be added to the East-West routes and two to the Central Campus routes, beginning at 6:30 p.m. Satur­ day and 7:30 p.m. Monday. Have fun, but be careful! Don't Forget

• Cany your Duke ID at all times. It will be needed for access to Cameron and to the residential quads.

• Unsafe behavior is dangerous to you, your friends, and your possessions. Many people have suffered serious injuries in past NCAA post-game celebrations.

• If you drink alcoholic beverages, do so responsibly. And remember — alcohol and fire don't mix!

• Stay alert — Drinking too much or paying too much attention to celebrating increases your chances of being a victim of crime or getting injured.

• Don't carry any glass containers outside. Flying bottles and broken glass have caused many injuries.

• Keep your room doors locked and don't let strangers into your residence hall.

• If you feel threatened or see unsafe behavior that concerns you, call 911 or use one of the safety telephones to alert Duke Public Safety. THE CHOMICLE APRIL 1, 1994 Politicking: a way of life for new DSP president By IMA HOE resolutions to accumulate in the recy­ outfits for each day on the campaign times. Fluffing his designer-feathered bangs, cling bins of University administrators. trail, and he attributes part ofhis win to As he looks ahead to the comingyear, J.J. Toolsma surveys the scene in the "OK," he says, his hands bursting a power haircut expressly designed for Toolsma says he plans to subvert stu­ Duke Student Powertrip office. forward. "Let's get it done!" the race. dent organizations through a newly- Toolsma will take office as DSP Grand Toolsma has been gettingit done since Though Toolsma swept the election, created office in DSP of vice president for Poobah in just a few short weeks, climb­ he arrived on campus his freshman year. voter turnout was unusually low, even community coercion. The post will allow ing another rung on the golden ladder to Serving as dorm president and a mem­ for the ever-politically-motivated Duke DSP to manipulate the pursestrings of world overlordship. ber ofthe mob-connected Student Over­ campus. students organizations which do not con­ Rumor has it Toolsma consulted fel­ lord Commission his freshman year, he Brushing aside allegations of form to Toolsma's world vision. low republican pretty-boy Danny "p is dove into campus politics to pave his Whiteman-like payoff, Toolsma attrib­ Toolsma is preparing forthe poobahcy for potatoe" Quaylee about how best to way to a student seat on the Bored of uted the turnout to the sunny weather by attending a special Republican party style his hair as he embarks on his Crusties. on election day. He also attributed the training course for future world over­ political career. In the tradition of N.J. Gov. Pristine death of Ocean Feenix to rumors of a lords this summer, where he hopes to Quaylee is a distant relative of Toad Whiteman, Toolsma ran a bril­ possible Monkees reunion. Such as­ perfect his baby-kissing and hand-shak­ Toolsma's girlfriend oftw o years, Roberta liantly orchestrated campaign for the tounding logical maneuvers are stock- ing skills. "I love my J.J." Lee, who is prepping Poobahcy in February. Sources confirm in-trade for the talented Toolsma, who Toolsma's hair contributed to this herself to step into the role of Toolsma's that committees planned out Toolsma's has taken the same Logic class seven article. supportive, smiling arm-ornament. Descended from Robert E. Lee, one of Toolsma's heroes, Roberta is an ideal match for the sixty-ninth generation At long last, GPSC wakes up, buys clue Houstonian, who boasts strong south­ By SOME FRESHMAN WE FOUND AT LaLaLarsen's comments came amidst Campus Schwinn Bike Path Enhance­ ern roots. THE LAST MINUTE spotty attendance at recent GPSC meet­ ment Committee. Toolsma's fraternity pledge manual The Graduate and Pre School Council ings. However, when asked specifically "I don't see why everyone else can't features an extensive biography of Rob­ addressed health insurance and hous- about the attendance problem, find time to devote to our government. If ert E. Lee, "The Last Southern Gentle­ ingfor a record twelfth consecutive meet­ LaLaLarsen responded by making an we really try, graduate students can man," and tips on gentlemanly skills ing Thursday. analogy to Luke Student Government. have a legitimate voice at this Univer­ that will keep Toolsma from pulling a "These are actually the only issues "From what I understand, LSG has sity." Georgie and vomiting on the laps of facing graduate students," said Rich had some trouble reaching a quorum at IN OTHER MEANINGLESS CRAP: world leaders- LaLaLarsen, who is currently serving recent meetings. I wish we had their Michael Engry, a graduate student in President Nan (Ko-HAN) declined to his eighth term as GPSC president. "It problems. We haven't had one since my the Consciousness of Cultural Thought comment. took us a while, but we've finally admit­ first term," he said. program, sparked mass violence and For now, though, "I like it on top [in ted that we have nothing else to talk Many graduate student representa­ controversy at the meeting when he an­ student government?]," Toolsma said. about." tives complain that they do not have the nounced that there would be no more In the office, DSP legislators are kneel­ Third-year law student, time to devote to the meetings. One TGIF GPSC sponsored kegs at the ing in deference before Toolsma' cam­ WakeupMaggie (I think I got something exception is pre school student Mac Hideandseekaway this semester. paign propaganda, rising occasionally to say to you) Christopher lauded GPSC Truck-enbrod, who serves on a record 97 In response to the announcement, to scurry off on an errand for the Univer­ for this sudden epiphany. "The first step University committees. LaLaLarsen commented, "Oh, yeah. sity potentate. He gazes out over a sea of is admitting you have a problem," she "It's fun," said "Keep on" Truckenbrod, That's the other reason we show up at drones busily preparing meaningless said. Coldhands declined to comment. who was recently appointed to the East these meetings."

Duke Departments of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science present The John Cocke Distinguished Speaker Series with Dr. Barry Boehm University of Southern California Famous Chicken n Biscuits Los Angeles, CA 8 - Piece '^Megaprogramming" Monday, April 4, 1994 Chicken 4:00 p.m. 130A North Building Box Reception in 212 North Building at 3:30 pm Barry Boehm received his B.A. degree from Harvard in 1957. and his M.S. and Ph.D. degrees from UCLA in 1961 and 1964, all in Mathematics. Between 1989 and 1992, he served within the U.S. $5.99 Department of Defense (DoD) as Director of the DARPA Information Science and Technology Office and the Software and Intelligent Systems Technology Office, as Director ofthe DDR&E Software and Computer Technology Office, and as Director of the DoD Software Technology Plan and the DDR&E Software Action Plan. He worked at TRW from 1973 to 1989. culminating as Chief Scientist of the With 4 Free Defense Systems Group, and at the Rand Corporation from 1959 to 1973, culminating as Head ofthe Information Science Department. He is currently Director of the USC Center for Software Engineering. Biscuits His current research interests include software process modeling, software requirements engineering, software architectures, software metrics and cost models, software engineering environments, and Knowledge-based software engineering His contributions to the field include Constructive Cost Model Free Iced Tea with all chicken dinners (COCOMO). the Spiral Model of the software process, the TRW Software Productivity System and Quantum Leap Environment. He has served on the editorial boards of several scientific journals, including the IEEE Transactions on Software Engineering, IEEE Computer, IEEE Software, ACM Computing Reviews, and Information and Software Technology. He has served as chair ofthe A1AA Technical Committee on Computer Systems, chair of the IEEE Technical Committee on Software OPEN 5:30am DAILY Engineering, and as a member ofthe Governing Board ofthe IEEE Computer Society. His honors and awards include the Guest Lecturer of the USSR Academy of Sciences (1970), the AIAA Information Systems Award (1979), the J.D Warmer Prize for Excellence in Information Sciences (1984), the 1SPA DURHAM LOCATIONS Freiman Award for Parametric Analysis (1988), and the NS1A Grace Murray Hopper Award (1989). He is a AIAA Fellow and an IEEE Fellow. ., . Abstract Description: Megaprogramming involves the development of software products component-by- 2301 Guess Rd. 4521 Roxboro Rd. component, as compared to instruction-by-instruction. It can have significant payoffs for software productivity, cycle time, and quality. It involves a good deal of rethinking, and a good many research 3558 Hillsborough Rd. 1712 S. Miami Blvd. opportunities, in the areas of software architectures, specifications, processes, environments, metrics, and education. This talk will address each of these issues and opportunities. 4600 Chapel Hill Blvd. 4831 Apex Hwy. The John Cocke Series is funded by IBM and NCSC FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHOMICLE

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c PowerPC Ii a tmdemark of thank god it's friday, april 1,1994 THE CHOMICLE Bunch of nonsense Chomicle columnists display wisdom, or lack thereof In honor of todays special issue, The Chomicle Shotgun Alsobroke: Exactly. Which iswhy/all should editorial staff presents a columnist forum. The get the most out ofyour Duke experiences by following Chomicle's esteemed columnists address the major Open forum? my instructions. Especially all you stinkin' Yankees. issue of the day—the Coach K commercial. The Chomicle columnists Bo Queen: OOOOOO!!! Paul Kellehurtme: -Recognizing the heterosexist John Koooooon: Uh-oh, Bo's upset about something. paradigm, as it were, evident in the commercial, I feel Bo Queen: () Tim'm'm'm East: What does Bo have to be upset compelled— Wendy Rosengentile: Why don't we write letters to about? He's not gay! He's not black! He's not a woman! Blair Boresmen: I realize that this may be an impor­ Chris Myhairisfallingout, asking him to let us out ofthis Why's he whining? Hey Bo, put those blue jeans back tant issue, but y"know, it doesn't compare to this forum? By the way, we need more Jewish columnists. in your closet, pretty boy! experience I had this morning. I was walking along the John Kooooooon: Are you kidding? That's just an­ Chris: Shoot, fellas. Time's running out. Don't you quad when I noticed my shoe was untied. Can you other way for the state of Israel to enslave Americans have anything important or substantive to say? I think believe it? It may not seem like a big deal to you, but boy further! the Coach Kcommercial is another example of pander­ was I peeved. Tonya Harding-Matthews: Enslaved? Let me tell ing to the alcohol industry, using beer commercials as Tonya Harding-Matthews: You have no idea what you something, John. You wouldn't know enslavement models for promoting collegiate athletics. The mecha­ it's like being peeved every day of your life! And if it bit you on the ear. nisms of totality— besides, I saw you and your little white, Andre Agassi Blair Boresmen: Tell me about it! I'm a slave to my Justin: Shut up, Chris. You never want to have any tennis shoes. You wouldn't tie them by the black bench, hairdresser and my boyfriend justdoesn't understand! fun. This is college! Here, grab a beer and pull my linger. would you? Nooooo! Paul Kellehurtme: Don't you hate that about boy­ We hope you have enjoyed The Chomicle's open fo­ Shotgun Alsobroke: Didn't you read instruction 34 friends? rum, which was pointless despite our best efforts. As from my list, Boresmen? "Just once tie your shoes by Colin BOG: Allow me to interject here. I just wanted usual, our columnists have offered enlightening, unique the black bench so you know what they feel like." to say that I loved the Coach K commercial. Gives me and insightful views on a wide range of topics, all of Tonya Harding-Matthews: You have no idea what I something to do on Sunday afternoons. Besides, all our which are infinitely thought-provoking and interest­ feel like! lives are going to go to pot once we graduate anyway. ing. But they still suck. Yeah. Heh-heh. Bo Queen: 0 Jeff Worse: Boresmen, if your laces came untied, they must be defective! You should write the company and demand that they send you 29 new pairs of shoes. But they shouldn't be Andre Agassi—they should be Monica Seles, Steffi Graf, Martina Navratilova. Women's names! Edward Bunsenburaer: You Duke students don't know how good you have it! When I was in college, we didn't have Tevas or Birkenstocks or Air Jordans. And we walked barefoot to class—and we liked it! Row Hitman: Hey guys, can I say something? Hey guys! (Editor's note: Row Hitman was carted out of the forum by Public Safety, after his short and limp at­ tempt at "streaking the quad.") PORTNOY: Good to see him go. Let's stir-fry the little streaker and serve him to Spectrum House. We can even serve dirty fortune cookies! EXXIT: Oh shut up, you illiterate, insensitive, unfunny twerps! Go put on some culottes! Mork Grossman: I agree. Indeed, culottes are a sign of good leadership. How many DSG officers wear culottes? They don't. That's the point. Paul Kellehurtme: It is at this point that I would like, if the power to do so be rightfully mine to possess, reinstate that theory postulated by our editors, that which we may, once again, bring to the forefront of our intellectual endeavors. Hey Oliver! We got yer conspiracy theory right here! The other day, I was walking around campus, the "" So they concoct a plan. With Jordan's dad gone, ol' wind blowing my hair in every way, caressing my body BGtWG6H tflG tllDS Mikey will be too upset to continue his basketball career. like a gentle lover (aaaahh!) who sneaks up behind you . » « With Jordan gone, the shoe market will be revolution­ (mmmmmmm) and puts whipped cream (oooh!) on your ChriStOphGr M3r£9rit3 ized. Then maybe ITZ can grab another ugly white ... but I (reluctantly) digress. _ sponsor, Freakish Monstross, in less than a year when Anyway, while my legs were pumping me along, I saw shoe (which, by the way, now comes in an orthopedic he comes out for the draft. Provided Monstross remem­ President Nan Leiderhosen Conan the Tenure-denying- version forthe walking-impaired). It's their fault. Before bers to wear his seatbelt, and always appoint a desig­ them jogging with James Jordan. you say, "This chick is obviously a raving lunatic who has nated driver, ITZ could have a gold mine on their hands. As if that weren't traumatic enough, they were both spent too many hours in the law library," hear me out. Then they could be ITM, In The Money. wearing t-shirts with "Team ITZ: We Brought Our Own Think of what ITZ had to gain. Not two months after With their newly attained hegemony ofthe footwear Shoes" on the back. Questions began to haunt me: Why they released their funky fresh footwear, their best and market, they could expand their influence to other isn't Conan's name pronounced phonetically? Does R-O- only sponsor is critically injured in a car crash. They've areas, and maybe even afford to buy a provost or two. L-A-I-D-S really spell relief? What was the connection got no credit, no clout, and no clue as to what to do. With provost in pocket, they could wreak havoc in the between Jordan, Conan, _™^„ .^_^^_ They're scrambling for a way to tenure process, giving tenure only tool d white men over Longpenis (I said "penis." Yeah. save their seemingly scuttled 70, and nurses in Montana, who strip naked, then shoot Heh-heh.) and some lame shoe butts. So what do they do? and field dress deer on their way to work. company? I knew ITZ had some­ ITZ.ZIT:: Sante:Saten:: They knock off James Jordan. Some ofyo u may be asking, "If ITZ killed Jordan, then thing to do with the provost's EMs:Lives:: Krzyzewski: Think about it. Michael Jordan why were he and Conan seen running together?" My decision to deny Longpenis ten­ Zykwezriks. Think about it. is possibly the most famous ath­ answer: Get a life. It's just a column. ure, but I could not make the lete ever to exist in this reality. Sound crazy? Well, maybe it is. But hey, this is a world connection. Little kids will beat each other in which Snobby Girlie can get laid, Dean Spiff can get Thenithitme:Allofasudden, up or pull Uzis on each other for paid, and Big Dog can get spayed. So before you write me I knew why Jordan was alive and why he was running the sake of a pair of shoes with his silhouette on them. off, just remember one thing: I engage in oral sex. ' with Conan. I knew why Longpenis had been stiffed so ITZ knows that it can't hope to compete with this sort of Often. Because I like it. often in his tenure battle. I knew why women hate the superstar. I mean, what chance does an ugly white kid Christopher Margarita is a seventh-year lawyer- women who love the men who hate them. from Jersey have against a man who has graced more wannabe who Ukes to have long conversations and phone ITZ. Remember them? In The Zone, Snobby Girlie's "GQ" covers than Stilt Chamberlaid has graced hotel beds? sex with her imaginary friend named Bud. Losers writing to the Editor THE CHOMICLE ESTABLISHED 2112, B.C. Chomicle people are meanie weenies If my mama was struck by lightning bonfire." Cite is different from sight just and my pet chihuahua were strung up like sea is different from see. What I by his balls, I wouldn't be as livid as I am write is right—the editors must be held right now with The Chomicle. I wish to liable for this libel. Damn you all bring to everyone's attention an error In that same issue, I found a typo in a that proves, beyond any reasonable story about the venerable Coach K. Have doubt, that The Chomicle is a childish Chomicle staffers no respect fortheholy? Rage overcomes Chomicle editorial boardrag, writte n by spoiled, thoughtless, Can they not use the spell checker? They Sea slugs be damned. Weiner-distributingfootbaD coaches noxious, nefarious and generally incon­ probably think it's really funny, but it The trustees be damned. be damned. tinent children. snot. Behind-the-back passes from Capel Quorums be damned. Last week, The Chomicle proclaimed To those of you who "work" (or is it to Lang be damned. BMWs be damned. in a front page article that "Public Safety play?) as part of The Chomicle staff, I President Biliary be damned. Inaugurational hors d'oeuvres be cited students who helped ignite a bon­ wish to say "Grow up! And try to learn Toolsma be damned. damned. fire." The Chomicle spells about as good something about professionalism." Media sluts be damned. Unidentified graduation speakers as I can piss out of my backside. The Acrimonious oversimplification be be damned. sentence should have said, "Public Safety Dick Sillybelly damned. Neil Simon plays be damned. sighted students who helped ignite a Professional media critic Whiny letter writers be damned. Spectrum quad DJs be damned. Missing Perkins books be damned. Senior gift selection process be 'Ignite the nearest thing that burns' Champion Paper Mill be damned. damned. Editors couches be damned. Sorority rush name tagsbe damned. Public Safety sucks, heh-heh. Yeah. they don't, they suck. Oh yeah, suck. SPEmen be damned. Petulant columnists be damned. Yeah. They just eat donuts, heh-heh. Yeah, like "SPEmen." Heh-heh. (We said "nuts," heh-heh.) Busbygate be damned. J. Crew warehouse sales be damned. Dukies are cool. Yeah. They light bon­ Hey Beavis Hairy Berenson Bear be damned. Myrtle be damned. fires, heh-heh. Fire. Fire. Fire's cool. Engineering '69 Quad squirrels be damned. Cable 13 be damned. Yeah. Heh-heh. Ignite the nearest thing Korean-eating dogs be damned. "I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you that burns. Yeah. Like a quad squirrel Yeah Butt-Head Gay Christians be damned. kill me?" be damned. or SPE bench, heh-heh. SPEs rock. No, Engineering '69 Scalpers be damned. Air conditioning be damned. Phone book covers be damned. Freshman car privileges be damned. Election commission weasels be Food Fest be damned. Like, can you believe they did that? damned. Graduating senior standing on train I just read the paper today and I'm so them doing that? I, like, couldn't believe Eric Monstross be damned. tracks be damned. annoyed. I can't believe they're doing it. Like, it's so awful. Ooooooo, Tm so North campus be damned. Duke license plates be damned. this. Can you believe it? It's like, annoyed. Greek system be damned. Overflowing recycling bins be ohmygod, I can't believe it. How could Quadrangle federations be damned. damned. they do such a thing? Who do they think Ima Whiner Sanctioned bonfires be damned. Intra-Chomicle relationships be they are? Like, they went and did it Trinity any year Pulled fingers be damned. damned. without asking anyone. Ohmygod, Les Miserables be damned. The Coffeehouse be damned. they're so rude. and 2,112 others IFC proposals be damned. Frisking at the door of Cameron be Fm so annoyed. Aren't you annoyed? The Chomicle waived the intelligence It's like, tliey had to go and ruin every­ limit to allow for a completely idiotic New busing schedules be damned. damned. response. Smokers be damned. "Toss" be damned. thing. Ohmygod. Could you imagine Real educations be damned. Crowded computer clusters be Card Gym prison turnstile be damned. damned. The Cafe on points after 5 p.m. be Yeah! I love learning to be bureaucratic "Yes, I am" be damned. damned. How could The Chomicle print some­ taken—Drama 10, Education 69, Econ Big Dog be damned. TVs in the Rat be damned. thing that criticizes the Promoting Pub­ .5, Ecology and Simplicity, Human Erog­ Newspaper theft be damned. UJB be damned. lic Stupidity department, better known enous Zones, and the program's own, Vomit comet be damned. ..And finally ... as the Bureaucrat Training Program? Rigging Gift Elections (I got an A in that Weinermobile be damned. Coolness be damned! No demagogues should criticize the BTP one). And all at the intro level! You don't because it is such a wonderful program even have to think! Wow. and the people are trying so hard to do I love the Burearcrat Training Pro­ Some fool said this good things. gram because the professors are so good This program is so good because it and they will give me recommendations. M: Why don't you touch my monkey? teaches you how to look like you know Thank you, professors! Then I can get a N: Yes, but only if it's offthe record. something when you really don't. It is nice, safe job that won't disrupt any­ also good because you learn how to tell thing or anyone but will allow me to In the wildest and wettest dreams of He-Whose-Love-Cannot-Be-Denied people to do things that you wouldn't do make a lot of money. That is what's yourself. It is also good because you get a important—getting a good job and mak­ good background in everything you need ing money. That's what education is THE CHOMICLE to learn but didn't learn in kindergarten. good for, and the people at the Bureau­ crat Training Program know that. Been caught Krendled,Mom What other program prepares you so Snoop Sauly-Saul, Profile expert well for sorority rush? Like, I can totally Soy Noisome, Climbing the stairs too much talk to anybody about anything! Just Jack Horsewrong "Brooks Brother" Chris Armani, He will teU the people look at the broad range of courses I've BTP'94 It ain't easy bein' Green, Ebeuts love muffin A. B. Truman Goldwater, 6-2 + 5-5=69? Raw Oyster, Grumpy Dr. Scotty, Not just president Inspired word of God herself Carol Veritable Genius, Arts Editor No More Beer, man, Fluff Editor Rebecca Christie, Has a license Jennifer Grease-me-up, Absent Editor AAA-cup Reed, Sweet pumpkin Joltin' Pool Orsulak, ????? Chris and Justin say: Pull our finger. Badboy Sturgill, Porno editor MIA, Graphics Editor Alan Belch, Love monkey Jen Soinoioinoinirioiinen, Jingle ringer Letters policy: The Chronicle urges all ofits readers to submit letters to Bob Stinkybreath, Capitalist pig Mysharona Morgan, Loan shark the editor, even if they are illogical, incoherent or inane. Letters must be typed Kathy McCute, Artsy fartsy person and double-spaced and must not exceed 300 words, not that anybody cares. They must be signed, dated and must include a check for $100 made out to The opinions expressed in this newspaper are absolutely, positively, without question those of either Chris Myjobistotellthepeople or Justtouchmydamn Dillon. In lieu of Duke University, its students, workers, administration or trustees, except for Non Keohane, who declined to comment. Unsigned editorials represent the view of Chris and Justin. If you money, an unretouched nude photo of yourself with a small farm animal will don't like it, pull our finger.Litera l columns, inane letters and offensive cartoons represent the suffice, views of their authors, however incoherent they may be. TheChronicle refuses to prostitute its letters page to the promotional ujhims Phone numbers: Editor 1-900-SEX-ME-UP; News/Features: 1-900-KEOHANE; Sports: 976- of every cultural group or greek organization that is too cheap or stupid to buy JOCK; Business Office: 1-90OM0-MONEY; Advertising Office: ALL-LIES; Classifieds: 976-CRAP. an ad. Editorial Office (Newsroom): Third Floor Rowers Building; Business Office: 103 West Union Building; Business and Advertising Office: 101 West Union Building. Duke Universrty. The Chronicle abuses its right to edit letters for length, clarity and style, so @2069 The Chomicle, Box OU812, Derm, N.C. 90210. All wrongs preserved. No part of this don't tempt us. publication may be reproduced in any form without the express written consent of major league tetters can be mailed to Box 90210, Dook Station, but we prefer that they be baseball. Otherwise, we will hunt you down and kill you like the dogs you are. delivered in person, because we like to see what you weirdos look like. THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, APRIL 1. 1994 Comics

Blow By Blow / Harris Berenson

Copy chief lunatic: M.E. Assistant editorial page/copy editor: Just in dill on Associate University loonle: Branded Assistant University crazies: Sanjam, Russling and Rosebud Suddenly, and lo Rodeny'* horror, tbe polk Assistant sports editors: Dan and Abe-really with SPE-aniflmg dog*. Assistant every area editor: Super Suzanne Assistant fartsy editors: two women What's behind the myth: the miller Calvin and Hobbes/ Bill Watterson Wire jokers: Johnny Appleseed Associate photography doctor: jason from Friday the 13th-he chops and hacks Account representatives: Dorothy Gianturco, Melinda Silber, Paulette Harris Advertising sales staff: Sona Gupta, Lex Wolf, Cheryl Waters, Jonathan Wyman, Jamie Smith, Leslie Dickey, Jay Fedo, Jodi Finder, Brandon Short, Sam Wineburgh, Roy Jurgens Creative services staff: Jen Farmer. Sandesh Dev, Kate Newsom, David Martin, Adrienne Grant, Kathie Luongo, Carlie Fisher, Ben Glenn, Susan Somers-Willett Accounts payable manager: Tim Rich Classified advertising: Shannon Robertson Business staff: Laura Gresham

BSU Dinner, Worship&Fellowshlp. Kitchen Today area of Chape! Basement. Every Fri. 6:00 Mind-Body Study Group presents Humor: Community Calendar p.m. A Cure For Cancer. East Duke Bidg., East The Paiace International presents Uprising- Photodocumentary Exploring Lesbian Lives The Women's Ctr. offers the following Campus. Apr. 1, 3:30-5:00 p.m. Reggae. Apr. 1. Opens At Duke University's Women's Cen­ seminars. Moving Through Loss. Now ter Art Gaiiery. Now through April 8, Latent through May 10, 7:30-9:00 p.rn.. Femi­ Drama Program presents Night of One Act Chemistry Dept. presents Prof. James F. Rays: Escaping Kansas by John Clum, image Photographers. Now through Apr. nism, Rim & Literature. April 7 & 21, & Garvey speaking on Chemical Reactions 15. Bivins Bildg., East Campus. 9-5:00 Getting the Energy to move Apr. 11-25, & Guts by David Wiener, Woman at Point within Clusters & on Fullerenes. Apr. 1, Zero by Victoria Vazquez Apr. 1-2, 8:00 3:30 p.m. p.m. May 2, 7-9:00 p.m. For more information contact Tina Berrier at 968-4610. p.m. & Apr. 3,7:00 p.m. Sheafer Theater. Meredith College presents an exhibition Saturday entitled Higher Climes. Director Gallery, Raleigh Little Theatre presents Lips To­ The Eno River Asssociation is sponsoring Public Allies, Durham Neighborhood Walk. Municipal Bldg. Now through April 7,9-5:15 a series of spring wifdfiower walks every gether, Teeth Apart. Apr. 1-2, 8:00 p.m. Tbe Durham Mayor's Office. Apr. 2,10-2:00 Sunday Afternoon at 2:00 p.m. Now For tickets cail 821-3111. p.m. through May 8. To register, please catl Drama Program & tnstitue of the Arts pre­ 489-2795 before 9:00 p.m. Skylight Exchange presents Elaine Tola & Sculpture Invitational Apr. 2-19, 10-6:00 sents Roger Copeland, Prof, of theater at Friends (opening: Nirvana! Prince! Mick p.m. Oberiin Coilege lectures on Three Decades Jagger!) Apr. 1, & Pajamadon (blues meets Orange County Women's Center offers of American Experimental Theater. Sheafer blue,grass)Apr. 3. Duke Dept. of Music presents Scott Atwood programs and support groups on the fol­ & Valerie McFalls. Apr. 2,5:00 p.m. Nelson Theater. Mar. 28, 5:00 p.m. lowing topics: Personal Counseling, Duke University Institute of the Arts pre­ Music Rm., East Campus. Freewater Films presents: The Remains of Women's Non-Fiction Writers Group and Sutvivorsof Domestic Violence. Formore sents Classical Indian Dance. Apr. 1-2, Episcopal Student Center Easter Sunday The Day. Apr. 1, 7 & 9:30 p.m. & Saturday 8:00 p.m. The Ark Dance Studio, East Holy Eucharist. Epis. Student Ctr. Apr. 3, Night Fever, (midnight) Griffith Film Theatre, information contact Tina Berrier at 968- Campus. 5:00 p.m. Bryan Ctr. 4610. FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHOMICLE Classifieds

Announcements TRAUMA STUDY French teacher needed for LIFEGUARDS llll URBAN. Large 5 BR 2 SA house Are you suffering from distressing symp­ Hoof 'n' Horns spring production oi Preschool/Elementary Program. Appro. Central campus poo! needs guards for across from East. Security system. toms related toa traumatic event? If so. April 7 in Reynolds. Tickets availab 5 hours per week, perschoolers (3-6) morning and night shifts. Easy job. Good Summer and fall sublet needed. Price ur readers: We will not knowingly you may be eligible for free treatment in Page. and grades 1-3. Teaching experience pay. Call Scott for info 6132813. negotiable. 613-2782. publish an aa that does not offer 3 medication study through Duke Univer­ legitimate products or services. We sity medical Center's Department of RUN 4 HUMANITY ferred, flexible morning hours. Send info SALES PERSON WANTED IDEAL HOUSE urge you to exercise caution before to: Montessory Children's House of Ideal house for groupof students near Psychiatry. An experience of rape, acci­ Navy 5K Run/Walk Sat. 4/210:30am, Part-time—Must have hiking, bad ;nding money to any advertiser. You Durham, 2400 University Dr., Durham, bothcampuses. Four large bedrooms, dental injury, military combat, criminal Cross-country trails, $5, Register on packing, canoeing, kayaking exper e always justified in asking any ad- NC 27707. Call 489-9045 for an appli- assault, injury at work, natural disaster walkway. Benefits Habitat for Humanity. ence. Call Howard ( River Run- two baths. Paten Realty 2860224. irtiser for references or in checking (earthquake, flood), physical injury or ners' 688-2001. with the Better Business Bureau. bums may cause or aggravate cartain OF CAMPUS LIVING—houses, apts., Should you believe there Is a problem mental health conditions. Symptoms may VOLUNTEERS NEEDED duplexes. Call now for upcoming Summer Resort Jobs- Eam to $12/hr. + Nana's Restaurant seeking PT Host/ with a service or product advertised, include nightmares, frequent memories Healthy, nonsmoking volunteers be­ availabilities. APPLE REALTY 493- tips. Locations include: Hawaii, Rorida, Hostess for evening shift. Please apply ilease contact our Business Manager or im.ages of the event, re-living of the tween 21 and 60 years of age to partici­ 5618. Rocky Mountains, Alaska, New England, in person at 2514 University Dr.. Durham. it 684-3811 so that we can investl- event, numbness, withdrawal form pate In a research project sponsored by etc. For details call: 1-800-807-5950 ;ate the matter. —The Chronicle. people, avoiding any reminder of the Anesthesiology at DUMC. This project is event, irritability, feeling on the edge, to study whether a specific blood pres­ FT Circulation Assistant. Heavy data entry Wanted to Rent and mailing involved. Computer knowl­ HIV COUNSELING poor sleep, trouble concentrating? For sure medication will affect the amount further information about this study, you of pain relief provided by pain medica­ Damon'sRestaurantandClubhousejust edge helpful. Salary $16.000+benefits. Free, super-confldential counseling may contact Rebecca Smith. RN, or Rita tion. Please contact Dr. Scott. 684- east of South Square Mall. Now hiring Send resume to Michael Nuckolls, Jour­ id testing now available on campus 3239. nalistic Inc., 4905 Pine Cone Dr.. Suite . 919-286-6690, servers and daytime/hostesses. Apply The American Dance Festival is look­ for Duke students. Results do not go 2 Durham, NC 27707. between 2:00pm-5:00pm. M-F. ing for sublets for its staff, faculty, and jn your medical record. Call 684-6721 HOLTON PRIZE students. Most are here for 6 weeks EH. 431 from 8:OOam to 5:00pm. Ask CRAZY ZACKS - Gradweek 1, 2. 3 bed­ Winlred Quinton Holton Prize in Primary STILL NEED A SUMMER JOB? Make in June. July-some longer. To list, call in appointment with an H(V coun- room beachhouses. Pool, volleyball. 1- EARN OVER S100/HR! processing our Education. Deadline for papers APRIL4, $5,700. Get resume experience. For 684-6402. r. Daytime, evening and weekend 80O645-3618. mall at home. For Info, call: (202) 310- 1994. 03 Allen Building. Info call 1-800-677*850. appointments available. 5958. ADF participants seeki ng su m mer sub­ FREE FOOD! DANCING! REAL DEALERS! AYCOCK REUNION BROAD ST. COFFEE let w/in walking distance to East. 2BR FREE HEALTHY DEVIL $1000 IN PRIZES! Fri, 4/1; 9-lam IM, preferred...$500-range. Call: 933- Live in Aycock last year? Know some­ Needs Part-Time help. Wed.-Fri. After­ gamble & have great time with different oklerctiikllookjngtotiouse-sit single 3234, ask for Stacy. HANDBOOK; Undergraduates. Gradu- body who lived there? Ever? Party at noons for deliveries, packaging, etc. kinds of people at CASINO NIGHT. $1 faml ly home 1-2 yeari. Cal I even Ings tes. Professional Students: Pick-up Brett and Bryan's apartment. 20n Call: 688-5668. benefits Volunteers for Youth Summer 489-7723 ask for Mariano Jensen. aur NEW Healthy Devil Handbook— Yearby N, Friday 9:30pm till... Real .Estate Sales Camp: tix only $i, BC Walkway. l:00am-2:00pm. M-F at the Healtby Wood's Edge Apartments, located in levil Health Education Center. House WHAT'S SO GOOD? Woodcroft, is looking for a reliable P/T Near Duke/South Square by owner. 0, Kilgo Arch. 100 topics (including 'HOUSE COURSES* grounds+eeper. Please catl 493-8523. , flu, mono, sexual health, alcohol What's so good about Good Friday? Quietwooded M3BR/2BA. living room NEW DEADLINE. Applications tote Eam extra $$ white supervising sub­ other drugs, nutrition, physical with fireplace, wired workshop, House Courses in Fall 1994 due f jects in an exercise program part- fitness, travel health, etc.) One copy/ Child Care $109,500.3204 HombucklePI. 490- 15. Revised applications now a time: 3-7 hours per week. Call Greg at ;on. while they last, Studentsonly. 1205 by appointment. able in 04 Allen Building. MEET THE MAYOR! 684-5820. Lunch discussion with Durham Mayor N, Durham couple seeks responsible DURHAM DUPLEX convenient to Duke WHAT'S YOUR OPINION? OFFICE/WK SPACE Sylvia Kerckhoff Thursday, 4/7, ALASKA SUMMER EMPLOYMENT - Eam student to babysit/house-sit on an as and UNC. IDEAL INVESTMENT for a needed basis. Own transportation re­ What would YOU change in the next For student groups. Applications at 8c 12:30pm-2:00pm. Call the Women's up to $8,000+ in two months. Room & parentw/studentorstudentsatDuke quired. References. 383-4878. edition Of the HEALTHY DEVIL HAND- Info Desk. Due back at Union Office at Center at 684-3897 to sign up. Board! Transportation! Male/Female. No or UNC. Student can live in one side )K? E-Mail: 5:00pm 4/18/94, Facilities Commit experience necessary! (206)545-4155 and have caSli flow from the other. ext. A5360. [email protected] or Health tee DUU. SEXY SPEECH Chilrfcare needed this summer for lov­ 2BR. 1-1/2BA per side. $89,9000. Education, Box 3886 DUMC. 684- ing, 4 y.o. boy...evenings and some Call Andy: VM 406*052. Lunch dlscusslonon communication and 3620. ext. 342. weekend hours. Trans, required. Em­ sex. Friday, 4/1, 1:00pm, Women's INTERNATIONAL EMPLOYMENT - Make ployment for fall possible. Call 493- Take a break and r Center. FREE FOOD! Sponsored by up to $2,000-$4.000+/mo. teaching CUTE2BR COTTAGE: wide pine floors; 6993 after 6:00pm. Send them 3 Crush. LAST CHANCE TO­ Women's Center and Betas: 684-3897. basic conversational English in Japan, wet-bar: spacious bath w/garden tub; DAY! BC Walkway. Sponsored by AOPi. Taiwan, or S. Korea. No teaching custom built-ins: room for expansion backgroud or Asian languages required. up & down: $85.900.1309 Hill Street, ARABIC NIGHT Services Offered s hiring next year's staff. Several Forinfo.call:(206)632-1146ext.J5360. Call: Terry Sloan, HPW Realtors, 49a For Saturday, 2/2, has been CAN­ wsitions available. Pick up job de­ PHI ETA SIGMA 9000/558-9773. CELLED, due to Final Four Duke scriptions and applications at CSC, SUMMER JOB TYPING/EDITING. Writer with an A.B. Video Screening Room, Middle- and a PC (& laser printer) will type your For Sale il Bryan Center. Call 684-4377 Telemarketing and building customer papers for you! Fee negotiable. Call with questions. ALSPAUGH '90-'91 database. Good telephone and WordPerfect skills required. Reiftle REUNION! Eat. drink and be merry! Sweet bike! '85 Suzuki GS550. Very DERBY DAYS 1994 hours. Starts early May Send resumes Our freshman dorm reunion (A fully clean; well-maintained; bought new in ONE ACT PLAYS to: Marketing Director. 100 Europa Roommate Wanted Today's the last chance to earn points. catered BBQ) will be held Friday. April 1991. $1500, Call 489-9358. Night of One Act Plays: Escaping Kan­ Drive, Suite 390. Chapel Hill. NC Derby Hunt untu the last derby is found. 8 from 5:00-8:00 In the Wayne Manor/ sas by John Clum. GUTS by David 27514. Derby Games on Kilgo Quad at 4:00pm. Windsor quad. Wiener. Woman At Point Zero by Tory N/Sgrad/prof. Misc. For Sale Vazquez. Friday April 1 at 8:00pm. house 1.5 miles from East [close to MCAT Instructor needed lor summer Saturday April 2. at 3:00pm. Sund3y DERBY DAYS 1994 ballpark). Nice house. GREAT people, classes in Durham and Raleigh. Must Moving sale: Eureka Vacuum $60; April 3 at 7:00pm. Sheafer Theater. Entertainment come see!!! $230, +• l/3rd utilities. Cargo Furniture Set (Sleeper Sofa, Tickets $3.00 at door. FLEX. sciences ana a love of teaching. Call Chair, Tables) $900: Plants: Peugeot AYCOCK KEGS! David at 493-5000. 12-speed $350:1988 Jeep Wrangler; Apts. for Rent Finally—it's reality. PARTY TONIGHT, Desk $125; National Slate PoolTabte; Weight Set: Lamps; Bookcase: 683- 9:30pm—. at 2011 Yearby "N." All stu­ LSAT. GMAT, GRE. AND SAT teachers dents welcome. No law students, please. needed for year round classes in 1&2BR houses or apartments available (You better at least drop by, Dave.) Durham and Raleigh. Must have good for June or August through the 94-94 academic record, great test scores school year. Call 687^1542 NOW. Help Wanted and a love of teaching. Call David at 493-5000. THE CHRONICLE Duke Manor sublease (May 1 - July 31). COMICS GALORE Furnished, one bedroom. $300/month. $750/wk. working Alaska fisheries this Hiring: Pizza delivery driver, phone an­ Daredevil, Batman. Love & Rockets, Walking distance from Duke. 286-1416, summer. Call: Maritime Services: 1-208- swerer. Good money in relaxed working hundreds more. Marvel. DC & inde­ classified advertising 8600219. environment. Apply In person. pendents. Can Terry al 286-7831. SatisfactionsRestaurant, Brightleaf Available 2nd summer school session: basic rates 3BR Watts St. Apt right off East. A/C, Surfboard for sale: $125 or best offer, CRUISE SHIPS NOW HIRING - Earn up to furnished. Call 286-4317. 6'2" Trifin. Balin Leash Inc. Call 286- $3.50 (per day) for the first 15 words or less. $2,000t/month working on Cnj Ise Ships 4027. 10$ (per day) for each additional word. or Land-Tour companies. World Travel, MYRTLE SSS 3 or 4 consecutive insertions-10% off. summer & Full-Time employment avail­ Deliver forlil'Dino and MamaMia Pinaria Cheap convenient summer sublet - 5 or more consecutive insertions-20% off. able. Noexperience necessary. Formore to Duke. 3-5 hr. shifts available til the $ 222.50/month. Colonial Townhouses. B loodhounds. AKC registered. 6 weeks information, call 1-20&634O468 ext. end of the year. $8-S12/hr. Call J.J. at Swimming pool: 5 min. to Duke West. old. Red, heavy wrinkled damn & sire C5360. 383-5676. Cat. Looking for female i on site. Cali David at 596-2909. special features 2436. (Combinations accepted.) CHARL0TTEBOST0N $1.00 extra per day for Ali Bold Words. Apartment for rent after gradua Fly to Chadotte or Boston this Sunday $1.50 extra per day for a Bold Heading cated in Duke Manor. Please r TWINS, TWINS 2986 for more information. (maximum 15 spaces.) DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER? TWINS $2.00 extra per day for a Boxed Ad. We an recruiting sets ol brothers Are you a twin? We are locking to participate In air pollution re­ tor sets ol Identical and fraternal Houses for Rent Audio-Video search conducted by UNC and twins to participle deadline EPA. You and your brother must be tion research conducted by UNC RECORD/CD SHOW Large houses for '94-'95 school year &/ healthy, no smoking history, 18 to and EPA. You must « healthy, Sunday April 10.1994.10am-4pm. 1 business day prior to publication by 12:00 noon or summer rental. Between 3&7 bed­ 35, no more than three years apart no smoking history 18 to 35. Big Bam Convention Center. Exit rooms. All appliances, near East Cam­ payment In age. Potential earnings from Potential earnings from $130 to 164 off 1-85. Hillsborough, NC. Buy. pus. Calt NOW TO RESERVE yours. 687- S130 to $160 each plus travel $160 each plus trave expenses. Sell & Trade l.OOO's of old. new & 4542. Prepayment is required. 929-9993 used Records. CD's. Tapes, vid­ Cash, check or Duke IR accepted. (long distance may call collect) eos. Posters. Imports. Etc. $2.00 (We cannot make change for cash payments.) (long distance may call collect) SUMMER SUBLET Admission with this Ad. More Info 1/2 baths, furnished. 3 410636-5783. 24-hour drop off locations minute walk to East Campus bus stop. • Bryan Center Intermediate level May thru August. 6885335. • 101W. Union Building International Handcrafts See page 14 \+- • 3rd floor Rowers Building Where your gift gives twice or mail to: Rainforest • Appalachian DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? Chronicle Classifieds We are recruiting sets of The PO Box 90858, Durham, NC 27708. Third World • Native -American sisters to participate in air Shuttle pollution research conducted Provkting Specialty, Jewelry, Clothing, Handbags, by UNC and EPA. You and phone orders: your sister must be healthy, Transportation Wall Hangings, Linens, Pillows, call (919) 684 - 3476 to place your ad. Visa, no smoking history, 18 to 35, From ifour Home, Office no more that 3 years apart In MasterCard accepted. Baskets, Carvings, Music, or Dorm to RDU Airport age. Potential earnings from Holiday Decorations, Coffee & Tea $130 to $160 each plus For rotes £ Schedulng travel expenses. Col: Call 684-3476 if you have questions about classifieds. Proceeds go directly to artisans worldwide! Office Mobile No refunds or cancellations after first insertion deadline. Call M-S 10-6, Sun 1-5 • Ninth & Perry Streets • 286-2457 (Longdi ill collect) 880-2521 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY. APRIL 1, 1994

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Presented by The Black MBA Organization and Northern Telecom j "Entrepreneurship - Not Just Risk, But Reward" Phi Eta Sigma Saturday, April 2,1994 Attention: New Members 9 a.m. -11:30 a.m. Geneen Auditorium, The Fuqua School of Business41 Correction Open to the Public (Free Admission) Reception to Follow Featured Entrepreneurs Include: Banquet Mr. Maceo Sloan, NCM Capital Management Group, Inc. April4 'i Lafayette and Sandra Jones, Segmented Marketing Services, Inc. Dr. Lewis Roland, Roland & Associates Transport Services, Inc. 6:30 -3:30 Ms. Anita Laney, TLC Travel, Inc. Mr. Lewis Myers, LHM Associates

VonCanon •located on Science Drive, between Hwy 751 & Towerview Road THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 Squeeze bottles promote solidarity among activists From staff shorts lines and snuck on to campus, erupting "I was just holding the door," said Renowned peace activist, priest, and out of the tunnels to storm the aUlan Trinity senior Bazooka aMsoriver. "My tractor salesman John Deere, Trinity Boring briefs Building, attack administrators brother raised me to always '81, has announced he will begin selling and demand the freedom oftheir appreciate a nice beaver." squeeze bottles to promote solidarity. killing. ALL killing. Especially killing cousins the quad squirrels. IN OTHER BUSINESS: Paul Deere John, as he is known to his pre- harmless grasses and dandelions that "It became obvious that the Hudson-River decided unani­ priesthood girlfriend, said the bottles have no natural environment," Deere freedom of our lost brothers and mously to abolish student gov­ will be embossed with a miniature ro­ saidinaphone interview with members sisters had been left to us," said ernment. Saying he thought stu­ sary on one side and a translation ofthe ofthe CatholoKrishna Vegan Society. a spokesanimal for the beavers. dent impact on University com­ "Hail Mary" on the reverse. Deere plans University president Keodawabbit "It has been left to the beavers, mittees was negligible and mis­ to personally autograph each bottle was also sent a complementary squeeze and the beavers have delivered." guided, Hudson-River voided all twice to pass the time in prison while he bottle. Keodawabbit had gone hunting Pubic Safety issued citations Hudson-River positions, appointed and awaits trial. and would not comment. to several bystanding students elected, and all DSF policies, Deere also plans to send free bottles for doing nothing to stop the attack, retroactive to July 2, 1993. a^s his last to The Chomicle for printing bis anti- Beavers revolt: In the first known saying students would be judged on the retroactive act of office, Hudson-River pesticide diatribes. instance of rodent revolt, 20 beavers legal and moral implications of their approved himself the final young "Let me state it simply. I am against left their homes in the Durham sewer trustee.

To Members of the Duke Undergraduate Community: CATHEDRAL CHOR OF MEN AND BOYS from Congratulations to the 1993-1994 men's basketball team for DURHAM, ENGLAND its continued success this season as it pursues Duke's third Thursday, April 7, 1994 NCAA National Championship title. While another trip to the 7:30 p.m. Final Four is cause for celebration, the lawless nature of past Duke University Chapel celebrations raises serious concern for the safety of mem­ General Admission - $10 adults, bers of our community. For example, two years ago, the cel­ $5 children 12 and under ebration following the championship game was tainted by Preferential Seating - $20 adults, numerous instances of physical violence, including sexual $10 children 12 and under assaults against women, and other widespread destructive TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW. Send acts, many of which resulted in serious injuries to members check payable to Duke University to: BOYCHOIR, PO Box 90883, Durham, of our community. In addition, the raucous and inconsiderate NC 27708. Please specify number of behavior of some students caused unnecessary tension be­ adults and number of children tween undergraduates and Duke Public Safety officers. attending and enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope for ticket return. As the chairs of the Undergraduate Judicial Board (UJB), we Any remaining tickets will be feel obligated to encourage undergraduates to celebrate in a available at Page Box Office one hour responsible manner after our team's victory. Please realize before the performance. that physical violence and destruction of property of any kind will not be tolerated by Public Safety officers, for they are dedicated to maintaining a safe campus environment. As IM Table Tennis custodian of the Judicial Code, the UJB also is committed to Tournament the same goal. The Undergraduate Judicial Board would like to take this opportunity to inform members of the under­ April 2 graduate community that acts of physical violence may warrant suspension from the University.

When our men's basketball team brings us another national title, let us celebrate with respect for Public Safety officers' responsibility to do their jobs, and let us refrain from acts which have the potential to harm others.

D. James Pak, E '94 Chairman, UJB Entries open March 28 Entries close April 1st at 5 pm Douglas Jarrad, E '94 Vice-Chairman, UJB Open to aU Duke undergraduate and graduate students. FRIDAY, APRIL 1. 1994 THE CHRONICLE 'Big Nasty' leads talented Arkansas vs. Arizona Game time: Saturday, 5:42 p.m. Arkansas record: 29-3 Place: Charlotte Coliseum Arizona record: 29-5 Razorbacks to Final Four TVIaRadio: Ch. 5/WDNC 620 AM Series record: 5-1, Arkansas leads Arkansas coach: Nolan Richardson Last meeting: Arkansas beat By DAN WICHMAN ness and size in star forward Corliss Arizona coach: Lute Olson Arizona 86-80 in Tucson last season Three years ago, Nevada-Las Vegas Williamson. took on Arkansas in what was billed as The 6-7, 245 pound Williamson has the "game ofthe centuiy." been nicknamed by teammates "The Big ANALYSIS THE NOD The top-ranked Runnin' Rebels de­ Nasty." He is averaging 20.1 points and feated the second-ranked Razorbacks 7.5 rebounds per game, and he has scored Williamson, otherwise known as the Big 112-105 in Fayetteville, Ark. More im­ over 20 points in eight of his last nine Nasty, will cause severe headaches for portantly, Arkansas head coach Nolan games. o Arizona's big men. Stewart, who looks like Richardson may have received some Williamson was the Southeast Con­ the Pillsbury Dough Boy, can banginside or valuable advice from then-UNLV star ference Player ofthe Year and a second- shoot the three. Arizona's frontcourt gets Larry Johnson. team All-America selection. a little respect, but Blair and Owes are tough. "He ran by [our bench]," Richardson "Corliss, pound-for-pound, is probably a Reeves and Stoudamire are a joy to watch said. "He had made a tremendous dunk the strongest kid in the universe," with their quickness, passing skills and scor­ and powerful play. I've always thought Richardson said. "He's a very strong ing ability. The 6-2 Geaiy also starts, and he that Larry was a great young man, and individual. He's got a great pair of hands. is a solid player. The Thurman-ator is also a he said to me, Tou're gonna have to get To be as big as he is, he's very agile. He's prime-time scoring threat for the Hogs, but worked extremely hard on the free throw the Wildcat backcourt is the best around. line. a BY THE NUMBERS "It's been a pleasure to watch Big Arkansas has gone 10-deep all season. Nasty operate. He's had a phenomenal Crawford is out, but nine-deep should be year. Not many guys can go one-on-one u good enough. Nolan Richardson plays a lot with him. There are usually two or three c of quality people with his hectic style of play, guys around him." CO and Arizona could wear out. Rigdon is a 94.0 Points 89.6 Williamson's unique blend of strength, decent scorer forthe 'Cats offthe bench. 75.5 P tints allowed 74.1 quickness and shooting ability presents FG% 48.9 Neither team has ever won a national 49.3 quite a dilemma for opponents. This championship. Arizona has proven the crit­ 39.3 3-pt.% 36.0 week, .Arizona head coach Lute Olson 70.5 ics wrong by finally advancing well into the 78.3 m has the task of coming up with a way to draw, but Aj-kansas is talented and focused. 41.4 Rebounds 41.3 stop Big Nasty. Six-eight forward Ray Richardson complains about a lack of re­ some men, my man. Owes will likely get the defensive as­ spect, and he can change that in Charlotte. "Of course, then we had little skinny signment. guys like Todd Day and Lee Mayberry. "When you're playing .Arkansas, they This game should be an exciting, fast-paced shootout. Both teams like to run Those guys were not quite the size of create a lot of problems for you," Olson and like to score. While Duke-Florida may provide more defensive intensity, this Larry and [George] Ackles and some of said. "The thing with [Williamson] is game will have more end-to-end action. Stoudamire and Reeves will awe the those guys they had on their ballclub. that he can take it both ways, he can crowd with their amazing talent, but Thurman has the skills tomatch . Williamson But it wasn't in a manner of him trying power it through you, he can shoot the will be the difference. Arkansas simply has more size and talent up front, as well to be smart or anything. It was some­ jumper. It's his versatility that creates as a far superior bench. Hogs advance, 91-87. —Compiled By Dan Wichman thing that I thought was real cute. And the problems. he was absolutely right." "I think Ray will do a great job, but The Razorbacks consistently went 10 trip to the Final Four in the last five Whether or not Johnson's words af­ this is one where hell have to step up players deep during the regular season. years. In 1990, Richardson promised fected Richardson's thinking, the same big-time." Guard Roger Crawford is out with a Duke "40 minutes of hell" prior to the criticism certainly cannot be made of The rest ofthe Razorbacks are not as broken leg, but Arkansas has more than national semifinal in Denver. The Blue this year's Razorback team. powerful as Williamson, but this Arkan­ enough in its arsenal to compensate for Devils turned the tables and handled Arkansas is deep, talented, athletic sas team is still made up of tough, hard- his loss. Arkansas, 97-83. and most importantly, this teami s tough. nosed players. Six-eleven freshman forward Darnell Richardson's squad is the favorite this Richardson has "men" on his squad, and The backcourt leader is sophomore Robinson can come offthe bench to pro­ time around. But he is still going in with that is a big reason why the team has guard Scotty Thurman, a deadly three- vide an imposing inside force. Guard the same basic attitude. advanced to Charlotte for the 1994 Final pointshooter(88-of-182fromlongrange) Alex Dillard can enter the lineup and "We went toth e Final Four, and it was Four. who is averaging an impressive 15.9 nail three-pointers from different area a great experience for me and my bas­ The Razorbacks will take on Arizona points a game. codes. ketball team," Richardson said. "I don't Saturday at 5:42 p.m. in the first na­ Thurman and Williamson are the With the talent on Richardson's ros­ think I've changed too much since then. tional semifinal. heart and soul of the team. As sopho­ ter, it is no surprise that the Razorbacks I don't see anything that I should change. "rm not thinking that I recruit big mores, the two have taken the leader­ have been in the nation's top-five all Hell, it ain't been broken, so I don't need guys because of what [Johnson] said," ship mantle on the team. Each is mature season, with two different stints at the to fix it — I don't need to get too smart Richardson said. "A guy doesn't have to beyond his years, and Richardson cher­ top spot. right now. be big to be a man. I've got some little ishes their presence. "They're an outstanding team," Olson "We brought that lady to the dance — guys that are tougher than some ofthe The thing about Corliss, he's also a said. "I think it's been a real tribute to if we can still dance with her, that's what biggest men that I've ever seen. So I great individual," Richardson said. Nolan that they've been right at or near we're going to do." think I'd rather go out and recruit tough­ "We've never had the type of personality the top all year long. That's a real chal­ With their athleticism, depth, talent ness than size." that those two boys have, not even our lenge when everybody you play against and hectic style of play, there is a good This year, Richardson has both tough­ academic Ail-Americans." is really after you." chance the Razorbacks will be dancing This will be the Razorbacks' second come Monday night. ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS ARIZONA WILDCATS No. Player Pos. Hgt. Class PPG RPG Hometown 3 Alex Dillard Ci 6-1 Jr. 9.1 1.1 Bessemer, Ala. 12 Clint McDaniel s 6-3 Jr. 8.0 2.8 Tulsa, Okla. No. Player Pos. Hgt. Class PPG RPG Hometown 14 Corey Beck G 6-2 Jr. 8.6 3.7 Memphis, Tenn. 3 Khalid Reeves G 6-2 Sr. 24.2 4.3 Queens, N.Y. 15 Dwight Stewart C 6-9 Jr. 8.1 4.9 Memphis, Tenn. 10 Jason Richey G 60 Fr. 1.4 0.6 Omaha, Neb. 22 Davor Rimac Q 6-7 Jr. 5.1 2.0 Zagreb, Yugoslavia 11 Dylan Rigdon G 64 Sr. 6.9 1.6 Laguna Beach, Calif. 23 Ken Biley F 6« Sr. 2.9 2.2 Pine Bluff, Ark. 15 Joe McLean G 66 So. 3.0 2.0 Concord, Calif. 24 Ray Biggers F 68 Jr. 1.1 2.2 Houston, Texas 20 Damon Stoudamire G 5-11 Jr. 18.3 4.2 Portland, Ore. 30 Scotty Wurman r 6-5 So. 15.9 4.4 Huston, La. 21 Andy Brown F 6-8 Jr. 0.4 0.4 Tucson, Ariz. 31 Roger Crawford G 64 Sr. 7.4 1.9 Birmingham, Ala. 22 Ray Owes F 6S Jr. 13.1 8.0 San Bernardino, Calil. 33 Lee Wilson C 6-11 Fr. 3.5 3.0 Waco, Texas 33 Corey Williams F 67 So. 3.4 2.6 Batavia,' III. 34 Corliss Williamson F 6-7 So. 20.1 7.5 Russellvilie, Ark. 40 Jarvis Kelley F 69 Fr. 2.2 1.9 Houston, Texas 35 Reggie Merritt G 61 So. 0.9 0.0 Little Rock. Ark. 44 Reggie Geary G 6-2 So. 7.2 3.6 Santa Ana, Calif. 40 Elmer Martin F 6.S Jr. 1.3 1.2 Memphis, Tenn. 50 Joseph Blair C 69 So. 10.2 6.9 Houston, Texas 44 Darnell Robinson F/C 611 Fr. 7.6 5.0 Emery, Calif. 51 Kevin Flanagan F 610 Sr. 2.2 3.6 Del Mar, Calif.

Probable starters in italics Probable starters in italics THE CHRONICLE FRIDAY. APRIL 1, 1994 Brilliant Arizona backcourt keys rare postseason success

WE GUARANTEE By DAVE ROYSTER was the national college player of the This has been a different kind of season year in 1988 when he led the 'Cats to the for Lute Olson's Arizona basketball team. Final Four in Kansas City. That trip to For starters, the Wildcats actuallymade the promised land ended in disappoint­ YOU WONT MISS it out if the first round of the NCAA ment for the Wildcats, who had been Tournament. In the two seasons prior to ranked No. 1 in the nation most of the this one, Arizona had been stunned by year: Arizona was upset by Oklahoma in East Tennessee St. and Santa Clara in the semifinals. A SLAM DUNK, opening-round games, leading many to When the Pistons were on a recent label Olson and his players as chokers. road trip in nearby Phoenix, Elliot made .And secondly, Arizona has made a pro­ the trip down to Tucson to give the nounced departure from Olson's old "Tuc­ Wildcats some advice to make their road 3-POINTER. to the Final Four smoother. son Skyline" teams ofthe late 1980s and early '90s. Those teams — which include "He visited the players to give them a the ones Duke went 1-3 against from feel for what the Final Four's all about, 1987-91 — won with dominant inside for what it's like to play in a Final Four," FREE THROW, play. Brian Williams, Sean Rooks, An­ Olson said. "He did a great job of focus­ thony Cook and Ed Stokes, to name a few, ing our guys on what was at hand." battered many an opponent in the paint. Based on their play, Stoudamire and This season however, Arizona has won Reeves have been focused since last ALLEY-OOP.•• • with its guard play. Junior Damon November. Their startling quickness and Stoudamire and senior Khalid Reeves deadly long-range bombing have made make up one of the most dominant Arizona a tough opponent to beat. When backcourts in recent college basketball a team has players that can take care of history. Stoudamire and Reeves lead the ball and make clutch three-point the nation in combined points per game baskets, that team is extremely danger­ for starting backcourts (42.0) and are ous, especially when the stakes are high third in assists (8.9). at NCAA Tournament time. Without this dynamic duo leading the "All I have to do is look at teams that team, the Wildcats would probably not have made it to the Final Four and won be heading for their first Final Four a national championship," Olson said. since 1988. Arizona plays Arkansas at "Teams may have a big guy and maybe the Charlotte Coliseum in a national a forward, but there's usually a constant semifinal Saturday at 5:42 p.m. of good guard play. You don't get here "This has been a very unusual team without great guard play." for us," Olson said Wednesday. "Guards that make plays and shoot Indeed, the most unusual moment three-pointers are more important these came last Saturday when Arizona won days," said Arkansas head coach Nolan the West Regional with a resounding 92- Richardson, who must find a way to 72 win over top-seeded Missouri. Fol­ contain Stoudamire and Reeves Satur­ lowing the game, Olson lashed out at day. "With the 35-second shot clock, it's critics who had been skeptical of ball-handling that takes place and you Arizona's NCAA track record. But now need somebody who can do it." HOT AKD FRESH PIZZA & SUBS. that the Final Four has arrived, Olson Arizona may be mostly atwo-'Cat show, has put that episode behind him and is but the Wildcats are more then capable of concentrating on bringing the Wildcat taking the title. Olson's team has already FREE DELIVERY. DOMINO'S program its first national title. reached a plateau — the Final Four — "I just got something off my chest that that has proven difficult for Arizona, so GUARANTEES IT had been there for the last couple of the pressure's off. Olson has ended his years," Olson said. "What I said needed feud with the media and has his team Call us and enjoy some great pizza & subs to be said for my players and for me. thinking about satisfying its own goals while your glued to the game(s)! Use the They were thankful and are also thank­ rather than anyone else's expectations. ful that I said, That's it.' "We're going to try to keep as much of coupon below & save big! "Well talk withhow we play on the court." the hoopla away as we can, but we want To put the ghosts of NCAA Tournament to give the players the reward they de­ failures-past behind the Wildcats, Olson serve," Olson said. GOOD LUCK enlisted the help of the best player to ever IfDamon Stoudamire and Khalid Reeves wear the Arizona uniform, Sean Elliot can say anything about it, that reward could BLUE DEVILS! The current Detroit Pistons player be a national championship. i t i t Arkansas not distracted i t i t by Clinton's presence i i • FINAL FOUR from page 1 ofthree-pointshooters,including6-9,260- i i ing for the national championship," pound center Dwight Stewart, who has Kruger said. made nine of 12 from beyond the arc in i Arkansas (29-3) has become known as the four NCAA tournament games. t much for its biggest fan — as far as Arizona had been known for years for political clout goes — as for the success its formidable frontlines, but not this • that kept the Razorbacks atop the poll year. The Wildcats (29-5) have what is for nine weeks this season. probably the nation's best backcourt in "rm not on an ego trip. My team's not Damon Stoudamire and Khalid Reeves. Serving Duke Univ. & on an ego trip," Arkansas coach Nolan They combined to average almost 48 Downtown Durham Richardson said. "He is the president points in the NCAAs, with Reeves at 29.3. and he is a Razorback fan. I don't have a "They're really good friends. They've' problem with that." been roommates for three years and they The Razorbacks, who have been in five just seem tohav e a feel for what the other 682-3030 Final Fours, the last in 1990, create prob­ guy is going to do before he does it," said 1209 W.Main St. lems all over the court. .Arkansas has coach Lute Olson, who led Arizona to its Corliss Williamson up front and a gaggle only other Final Four appearance in 1988. FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHRONICLE Kruger finds success in short stint as Florida coach By DAVID HEINEN lone senior in the Gators' starting lineup. "When I first saw The University of Florida seems like "The leadership right now of Craig Dametri, I saw a young a misfit in this year's Final Four. While Brown is just very, very outstanding," guy who had a good feel Arizona, Arkansas and Duke all have Kruger said. "I think that programs de­ for the game," Kruger said. firmly established basketball traditions, velop and do well because ofthe young "He had a good awareness Florida's primary claims to athletic fame people who represent them. In [Brown], defensively, outstanding — and most ofits bids for national cham­ we have set a tremendous standard that hands, good footwork and pionships — have come from football, will be followed and remembered by had a knack for how to tennis, swimming and golf. young players for a lot of years to come." score. I think Dametri Lon Kruger, who is in his fourth sea­ This leadership was never more appar­ right now is only begin­ son as the Gators' head coach, is trying ent than last Sunday when Brown nailed ning to tap his potential. to change that. When Kruger arrived in several clutch three-pointers to seal He's a guy with an out­ Gainesville, he inherited a squad with a Florida's 74-66 victory over Boston Col­ standing attitude. He's 7-21 record. Despite Florida's recent lege and propel the Gator basketball pro­ very competitive and he's basketball woes, Kruger found the offer gram to its first Final Four appearance. very enjoyable to work tantalizing enough to draw him away Because Florida has no individual su­ with on a daily basis." from the head coaching position at Kan­ perstars, the team thrives on chemistry. Hill has also become the sas State, his alma mater. Consequently, the Gators take much Gator's biggest—both lit­ "I really dwelled on the potential and more pride in how the team fares than in erally and figuratively — the opportunities at the University of individual performances. The starting threat in the frontcourt. Florida, rather than the problems they backcourt of Brown and junior Dan Cross Hill uses his beefy size to had," Kruger said. "I recognized an out­ have set the tone for this unselfish atti­ help him be a monster on standing school academically and real­ tude. defense and on the boards. ized the resources were there in terms of "It's special because we've got a tan­ He has also developed a the numbers of people who were very dem of players that genuinely don't care potent hook shot which supportive ofthe Florida program. And about the credit and don't care about the has been nicknamed "Da- SPECIAL TO THE CHRONICLE obviously, the talent pool in the state of headlines," Kruger said. They are very Meat Hook." Dametri Hill will test Duke with Da-Meat Hook. Florida was outstanding. unselfish and both are extremely com­ But Hill does not have a "I felt like the commitment was there petitive with regard to getting the job monopoly on the frontcourt talent on this first round win. Then, in the regional and the potential was great. I certainly done. Itdoesn't matter how either scored team. He also does not have a monopoly semifinals, Connecticut All-American have appreciated the support and inter­ when they win because they're extremely on nicknames. Junior center Andrew Donyell Marshall graciously missed a est of the people here since we have happy." DeClercq — known as "DeClercq of De pair of free throws at the end regulation arrived here." When recruiting players, Kruger real­ Court"—has been a solid contributor this to set up Florida's 69-60 overtime upset. Although many of the resources to ized that it would take more than just season. The "Scandinavian Skyline" of "I think in our case, you can look back build a successful program were in place, great guards like Brown and Cross to senior Martti "I feel kind of Kuisma from to each of those four ballgames that Kruger needed to findsom e quality play­ create a basketball powerhouse. Thus, Finland and junior Svein "The Norwe­ we've played this year and in each occa­ ers to build a contender in the Southeast Kruger's eyes opened wide when he got gian Collegian" Dyrkolbotn have been sion, the outcome could have just as Conference. He found one in his first his firstglimps e of junior forward Dametri big-time rebounders offthe bench. easily have gone to the other team," recruit, senior point guard Craig Brown. Hill. Perhaps it wasjust that he wanted The Gators have not had an easy road Kruger said." We were very fortunate to Brown has emerged as the leader of to fit all of Hill's tremendous 6-7, 290- to Charlotte. They survived a scare from come out on top four straight occasions. Florida's team this season. He is the pound frame into his field of vision. a pesky James Madison team in a 64-62 The probability of that is low." Good Luck Duke in the Final Four! IDuckShop/^ 703-B Ninth Street / Durham / 286-DUCK Open 10-6 Mon.-Fri. / 10-5 Sat. / Noon-3 pm Sun. 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Sandwich making LearnwhyJohnCandlestick.trustee chair, ; is raving about Bob Keohane's sandwiches THE CHOMICLE during inaugurations. See Bob's recipe. APRIL FOOLS. 1994 • FINAL FOUR UNIVERSITY FLORIDA IS TOAST. N Quest for tenure ends, Lomparis named provost

By OLE HOLSTER The Lomparis case has be­ post hoc) panel to appoint a task this point," Crock said citing A popular assistant political come symbolic of the force to review the case. The subsection 12 of Article XXXVII, science professor'squestforten- University's crippled and con­ taskforce recommended against "The big cheese of the Univer­ ure ended Thursday. fused tenure appeals process. tenure because Lomparis didn't sity can't really recommend can­ Tim Lomparis was named In 1992 the political science attend the faculty picnic lastyear didates for tenure unless the provost, the University's chief department refused to recom­ because he was teaching class. provost says nobecause ofsome ­ academic officer. mend Lomparis for tenure. After hearing this, thing that needs to be reviewed "Lem Paris understands the "Lamparee hit some kid with Longforever denied Lomparis by someone." tenure process better than any­ a toy cap gun when he was eight tenure. Because he didn't think Seeking one last chance to one," said Crawfish and doesn't agree with me," said once was enough, Longforever grab the gold ring of tenure, Goodietwoshoes who headed the Professor Norman Bates, ex­ rejected Lomparis a second time. Lomparis appealed to the Board provost search committee. plaining why the department President H. Keith H. Body of Trillionaires which planned President Noncommittal rejected Lomparis. wanted to give Lomparis ten­ to discuss the case during its Keohane declined to comment Lomparis appealed to ure. But University counsel May donut run. on Lomparis' appointment. Longforever who gave the case Davy Crock told Body that the Ironically as provost, Lomparis will replace Tommy to the Addled nit-Pickers and University's bylaws prevented Lomparis may give himself ten­ JIMMY BUFFET/SHARKS Longforever who resigned be­ Teacher-haters committee him from doing so. ure. Newly-appointed Provost Tim cause ofthe corns on his feet. which delegated an ad hoc (not "The bylaws are very clear on See IRONY mi page 35 • Lomparis Graduation Task force boots speaker greeks off campus By JANE T. DICKERSON sion. "We built a consensus that chosen A University committee rec­ greeks were just plain bad," ommended abolishing greek life Cartoon said. From stiff reports on campus immediately. Greeks were devastated by Top University officials an­ The Greeks are Like Totally the report. "This report shows nounced Wednesday that Dean Funky released a 69-page re­ what The Chomicle's Smythe will deliver the 1994 port Thursday slamming fra­ devastatingly biased placement commencement address under ternities and sororities for pro­ of stories about the bountiful baby blue skies. moting anti-intellectualism, al­ good spawned by the greek sys­ "We dropped that lying bitch cohol abuse, unprotected sex, tem does to our sisterly love," from the White House faster Carolina basketball wins and said Finicky sophomore Lizy than Reynolds Price could say global warming. Cabriolet, who decried Chomicle anti-intellectualism at a "We lost two games to Caro­ coverage of greek life in litter to Ciocktower quad bonfire," said lina this year because basket­ the editor earlier this week. Jon Burnthiscampusdown, top ball players went out to evil Mickey Boner, poobah of the University spin doctor. fraternity parties on weekends Illegitimate Fathers Council, "This Whitewater stuff is be­ when they should have been said the University's Board of ginning to make Richard Nixon lifting weights and shooting free Trystees would never approve look like Mother Theresa," he throws," the report states. "Plus, the recommendation. said. the hairspray sorority girls use "We buy the kegs for those President Noncommittal pokes holes in the ozone layer." secret trystee get-togethers— Cohan, a close friend of the BILLY JOEL/ANGRY YOUNG MAN Totally Funky co-czar Suzy they couldn't last through the first lady, declined to comment Cartoon, co-assistant executive year without us," Boner said. about the choice of Smythe as Chapel reflecting pool planned vice associate dean for stupid NaNaNaNaNannerl Keghane graduation speaker. University officials released plans to construct a lovely lake affairs, said the task force declined to comment. in front of the Chapel. See NOT CLINTON on page .5 P> unanimously reached its deci­ See GEEKS on page 1 •- Orphans, dying kids denied 594 seats at NCAA games By TICKET AGENT XANADU ill kids from the Make-a-Wish founda­ Dean Soo Wsniolekn didn't let 25 or­ tion who couldn't dish out the $5,000 phans and 50 dying youths go the NCAA needed to buy a ticket to the game at the Final Four, even though no one sat in door from friendly scalpers. the student section. "All I ever wanted to do... was to see On the day of the game, a bus char­ Duke... play... in," said one of the kids, tered by So-many Highly Ineffective just before he died. Tools, the undergraduate student gov­ Wsniolekn had no sympathy. ernment, got into an accident, killing "Yeesh, I spent all day Monday tak­ all 594 students who had tickets. ing money from students. Ya think I However, because Dean Soo insisted want to waste my time that way?" the tickets are non-transferable, 25 or­ phans from a Charlotte orphanage were Soon after, Wsniolekn was seen pock­ not allowed in the game, even though eting large sums of money with a big all the seats were empty. Wsniolekn smile on her face. MADONNA/EXPRESS YOURSELF also screwed over another 50 critically See TICS on page 1994 • Everyone wants a ticket, everyone wants to party, nobody gets anything. THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 Important Worldly Stuff

Newsfile Arkansas students sell tickets for chaw Association Oppressed Clinrod Warns: in a speech from By SLIM PICKINS At Duke, administrators and faculty The president of the University of the Oval Orifice, President Clinrod ARKANSAS- In a survey compiled by mentioned something about their confi­ Florida, Hugh G. Rection, was pleased told Americans notto play with Flow­ the Sentinal, the average price of the dence in the future of capitalism and with the quasi-intelluctualism of those ers, to shred their papers twice a day tickets scalped forthe Final Four in Char­ their disgust with those snobby little bas­ crazy student-atheletes on the football and not to accept rides from Catholic lotte has exceeded $3,000 at the Univer­ tards who want to sell their tickets for a team that had reached the Final Four priests. sity, $2,000 at Arizona, 7 kegs of "good small fortune. again. beer" at Florida and a six-month supply of "I am very disturbed about the lack of "I really hope that we beat the sh*# out Hospital prOVeSIAnew study by chewing tobaccoa t Arkansas. the Dook Looniversity hospital has intellectualism in the whole scalping pro­ of Charlunaign Weird and those damn proven beyond any shadow of a The Sentinal has talked with students cess and I think that it is a reflection ofthe boys from State in the Sugar Bowl!" said doubt that ifyou are eating and you at all four schools and has determined the poor residential experience at Duke. I an emotional Rection. haven't finished, it feels good toea t average prices by using the hyper-ad­ think that if we just ban fraternities we The administration at the University until you are full or don't want any vanced "Dean Sue Scoring System." wouldn't have any social life and then we of Arizona didn't really care all that much more food. The reaction to this news by adminis­ wouldn't have these problems like good because at least they didn't have to play tration officials was mixed at all four basketball teams," said professor Rey­ that powerhouse Santa Clara in the Final Students injured: Two youths schools. nolds Name Your Price. Four. were severely injured when they jumped in a trash can and clawed each other with long fingernails while making growling sounds. Nan Conan Government realizes and legalizes drugs declined to comment. By EILEEN DOVER Dollie led a joint session of Congress in something to the effect that he was over­ Smeltsin has: According to re­ WASHINGTON- In a shocking devel­ a bipartisan chorus ofthe Beatles clas­ joyed that he could finally exhale after ports, although he may not look it, opment Thursday, Congress legalized sic "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." all these years. President of Russia Boron Smeltsin all illicit drugs. President Cleenton is reportedly in The legislation had the same resound­ has an extremely teeny weenie. Mrs. The move came after the bill was in­ favor ofthe bill as well and will sign it ing effect on all other members of Con­ Smeltsin could not reach it to com­ troduced in the early hours ofthe morn­ into law as soon as he grabs a donut gress. ment. ing. One by one, members of both the because he also reportedly has the "This is a great day for the United House and Senate realized and admit­ munchies again. States, capitalism and the world. The ted to having been under the influence Cleenton could be reached for only one next logical step that I believe we should since sometime during the Nixin admin­ comment as he was busy deciding take as a legtislative body is obviously Weather istration. whether or not to pay the $3,000 price the distribution of hard-core pornogra­ Gameday The bill passed unanimously in both offered to sit in the student section to phy in our elementary schools," said the House and Senate, accompanied by watch his beloved Razorbacks lose to North Carolina Sen. Jeyesse Heyelms. High: Duke • Snow heart-wrenching personal testimonies either Arizona or Duke in Charlotte. The legislation will be enacted imme­ Low: Gators • Winds: about the infiltration of drugs into the "It has been a dream of mine to legal­ diately, and President Cleenton has de­ Play of the day: Lang fakes left, lives of our politicians for the last gen­ ize drugs and this will provide a great clared April 1st a national holiday, com­ drives past Dmitri Hill who is eating eration. stepping stone towards a happier pub­ memorating the massive amounts of il­ a cheeseburger and throws it down! At the conclusion ofthe vote, Sen. Bob lic," said Cleenton. He also mentioned licit drugs bound to be consumed.

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P.E.P. SPECIAL! Duke, UNC, IBM, Burroughs Wellcome, Northern Telecom- GTE—Lease today and receive a discount Historic Brightleaf District oft your first month's rent Also Cards and Gifts at Northgate 614 Snowcrest Trail, off University Dr., Durham Mon-Sat 10-9 • 688-1150 • Fax 688-0072 (919)490-1400 We are closed Easter Sunday (=$ E.H.O CALL OR VISIT TODAY! M SdWVl • S3SV0MOOS • S3SSV1D 3NIM dV3HO • SQV3H FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHOMICLE Pubic Safety will use big Students vs. Pubic Safety Game time: Saturday,all night Student record (ACC): 10-0 (2-0) Place: West Campus quads PS record: no leads guns to control celebration TV/Radio: Nightly News Series record: 75-23, Students lead By BIG BROTHER fires before, but I just feel like arbi­ PS AP national ranking: Lame Last meeting: Students crushed Public Safety coach: Daul Pumas Public Safety despite four arrests. At the request of Pubic Safety, top trarily making new and obnoxious rules Pentagon officials have pledged some of this year." the nation's most advanced weaponry Many students, however, are prepar- to help prevent any fun from occurring ingto confront Pubic Safety's new-found ANALYSIS THE NOD on campus this weekend. military might. Members of the Seeya Students put up a valiant fight last week- If students attempt any celebration Phinally Ejected fraternity intend to id and came out with a victory, but this of a men's basketball victory on Satur­ create human flame throwers by light­ eekend Pubic Safety has enlisted the 96th day, they will confront a battery of shoul­ ing their unusually powerful farts. And actical Airborne Strike Force to stop the der-launched artillery and alcohol-seek­ one student activist has purchased ;udents. Pubic Safety's citations also give P^k ing missiles, said Chief I.M. Draconian 47,000 doughnuts to divert Pubic Safety o lem a definite advantage. of Duke Pubic Safety. from busting up fun activities. Draconian said that Pubic Safety will Students have expressed the most Students, who have an advantage in num­ crush student celebrations much like frustration concerning Pubic Safety's bers, will rally with toilet paper, lighter the Chinese government squashed stu­ intentions to prevent fires on campus fluid and flying benches. Members of the dent rebellions in Tiannanman Square this weekend. See-ya' Phinally Ejected fraternity plan to in 1989. (See graphic on this page) "Fire! Fire! Heh-heh, heh-heh," said boost the students' defensive capabilities "Our officers have no idea how to use Trinity freshman Mike Beavis. a with their outside (tequila) shots. Lillehammer 94. this stuff we got from Washington to­ Teh, like, fire's cool. This school day," Draconian said. "But then again, sucks," said Engineering sophomore we just have to pull the trigger and the Eric Butthead. Students will rid the campus of all re­ missiles will hit somebody. You just Members of the Womyn's Studies taining benches, despite Pubic Safety's ef- better pray you're not in the way." Dorm said they will burn their bras if >rts. Out-of-shape Pubic Safety tools will ot last past the third bench. I C A A Draconian also said that any students Pubic Safety prevents bench burnings CQ found drinking alcohol this weekend this weekend. Whether or not they will will be quarantined and forced to vomit. remove their bras before burning them ,v" was not clear. Pubic Safety is no match for student University officials strongly backed government's resolution demanding bon­ Draconian's policy which dictates that Men's basketball coach Mike fires. But look at Pubic Safety tools' experi­ • . ••• ....- anyone having fun should be shot on Galakaweikcz refused to comment on 1 H 3 4 Pubic Safety's plan to crush students ence writing parking tickets to be a decisive sight. factor. "We are extremely paranoid about this weekend. When asked if he was getting sued around here, and that is naked, however, Galakaweikcz said, the number one priority ofthe adminis­ "Yes, I am." It's crunch time for Pubic Safety, following several consecutive humiliating tration," said Paul Bumbabling, assis­ President Nan Coldhands also de­ defeats. This time, they have much more firepower, but they meet the students' tant dean for making sure students clined to comment on Draconian's resolve to party hard. Last year, the students missed the Final Four—this year have no fun. "I know we've always had policy. they'll be hungry. Nine benches torched, 12 students cited, 400 cases of beer consumed and 100 exhausted, embarrassed, defeated Pubic Safety officers. Students win (and so does Duke). —Compiled By Officer Wiltbust This is our space This space allows us to make fun of other Correction staffers' love lives or lack thereof, announce This winter during halftime at a basketball game, newly-hired football coach Fred the birthdays of staffers in obnoxious ways Goldsmyth misidentified the school he wanted to bring the best football players to. and send subliminal messages to Non Goldsmyth wants to bring them to Duke, not Rice. Coldhands who declines to comment. Goldsmyth regrets the error.

Holy Week You are cordially invited to a Service of Worship Thanksgiving Over the Water Reading and •••Kb Thanksgiving Duke University Chapel Over the Water Good Friday, April 1 Reception Poems by 12 noon - University Service of Worship Stephen Sandy for Good Friday (The procession for the honoring WmSSm Stations of the Cross leaves the Bryan Center at 11:30 a.m.) Stephen Sandy Stephen Sandy Preacher: The Rev. Dr. William H. Willimon, Dean ofthe Chapel at Choral Music will be provided by the "With bis ear/or language— the outer voice, tbe interior Duke University Chamber Choir. shifts and modulations of Jet ling—and bis eye/or the Gothic Bookshop strangeness within tbe everyt lay, Stephen Sandy offers a Seasonal organ music will continue after "xwtry that is continually, utlexpectedty making way for the service until 3:00 p.m. tbe genuine." Monday, April 4 —Amy Clampitt 7:30 p.m. - Solemn Service of 4:30 - 6:00 pm Tenebrae wpf Preacher: The Rev. Dr. 10% discount on all titles by Stephen Sandy Reading will begin William H. Willimon at 5:15. Reserved parking in J the Divinity School * p^b°oWWP Student Flex Cards Sponsored by the Duke Department 684-3986 ^r l -_.•—W Visa, MasterCard & parking lot. of English & Gothic Bookshop Upper .Level Bryan Center American Express Accepted THE CHOMICAL FRIDAY, APRIL 1. 1994 Artsy Fartys

CALENDAR Whoever painted Adam hasn't got balls MUSIC BY BYE-BYE pict such a scene would at least put some ence, wouldn't it be nice if the guy had thought into it. Instead, this "artist" more than a seven-centimeter-long tool? Nostril Wheezers Yesterday, I took the liberty of high­ Natives of njral Snottsticky will exhibit their tailing it over to the Vatican for lunch. I chooses to blatantly rip offthe E.T. movie I mean, I don't want you tothin k that I genetic ability to snort chords and tones figured it'd be much faster than waiting poster with that bigfingers-outstretched- fly to the Vatican just to examine the through their sinus cavities and skillful in line at Li'l Dino's on East Campus, and-almost-touching thing. Wow, Luigi, manhood of some naked dude in a paint­ pinching their schnoznes. Their repertoire that's really original! It's a wonder you ing. But, I gotta call a spade a spade ranges from native folk songs to "Nobody but, as it turned out, Lii Dino XXTVs Nose the Troubles I Sneeze." Cage Audito­ also had a pretty massive line. So, I didn't have God scattering Reeses Pieces here. There's no way that guy's even rium; 8 p.m.; $3 unless bought through a resolved to saunter into the Sistine close to homo-erectus...not even in the scalper. Chapel and practice some Karate. What morning! Ballet, Jazz, and an Accordion better than to ask the sister of karate, It really seems strange to me that The Duke Jazzy Ensemble wil! accompany Sensei Naniwa Kohanwa to spar with the Durham Ballet in an ultramodern, Luigi completely wussed out here, yet bluesey. postmodern, deconstructionist, me, but I got a message on my answering chose to depict Noah with such incred­ avant garde, surreal, dadaist version of machine that she refused to comment. ibly harsh, flaming ballsiness. Instead Swamp Lake. This version features a new Diss! of putting this awesome character on a accordion soto to be played by Paulina Jofftey of the Jazzy Ensemble. Friday, of Doing this Sistine thing alone, I was pedestal where he belonged, Donatello course: Balding Auditorium; 8 p.m.; Bring about to execute my patented backflip chose to represent Noah's persona as your own accordion with front thrust kick, I arched my back that of a drunken slob. That is so unfair! and inadvertently sucked in a damn I mean, it's not like Noah was constantly DRAMA good look at the mother of all ceilings. hammered and drooling all over stuff. NigM of One Ax Now, whether you give a rat's ass or not, Noah was the man! See, Raphael totally A realist play written by drama professors misinterpreted the story of the Great John Plump and Jodi McAHttoff recreates I feel that it's my duty to safeguard my the 17th Century spectacle of live guillotine human beings from perhaps the most Flood. The central theme involves Noah executions. All volunteers and pets are heinous anathema of the modern day: as the first guy to ever go on a cruise— weicome. Manson Theater; 12:03 am; ad­ hype. albeit he used beasts instead of humans, mission free. but rm thinkin' shuffleboard on the Love Your Town Revisted Now, look, I'm all for the whole art Duke Trauma recalls the trials and tribula­ display shindig when there's some sub­ Boat would be just as kickin' with a pair tions of lastyear's production. Due to popu­ of giraffes (if I remember right, I think stance to it. Slap a nice set of kiln-baked A RANDOM PERSON AT THE CHAPEL-THE COMICAL lar demand and" if it ain't broke, don't fix rt" Aztec pottery in my lap and I'm set for the character's formal title was actually attitude, the same play will be performed, The reviewer at the Sistine Chapel Captain Noah Stubing). albeit under a different name. Saran Wrap hours...days ever. But this fresco crap is Theater; price and time, I forgot, look at your hurtin'. I mean, the so-called artist— So, I hope I haven't burst anyone's ticket stub from lastyear. Donatello, or whatever his name was— down on Earth with the other hand. water balloon with this scathing criti­ Laughter from an Undisclosed meant well, but there are just so many Location Damn, that is SO lame! cism. I really have nothing personal unforgivable slips of the brush that I And it doesn't end there. Try to follow against the artist. Hey, he was man The point of this Neal Diamon is to guess simply have to speak my mind. me now: If Adam's like, the first beefy enough tohac k off his ear and send it to where the annoying, inane, non-stop cack- Jing laughter is coming from. Clue: 23. April Like, check this out: You've got this hunk to grace the planet (a feat in and of the woman he dug—that's undisputably 1 only; The Gardens; All day nutso picture of God Almighty and Adam, itself), and he's the guy that supposedly cool. Td just encourage Luigi tothin k of right? Now, you'd think that anyone breeds like a giddy sow in order to launch something better to do the next time he's arrogant enough to even attempt to de­ the human race into the plane of exist­ lying flat on his back.

DUKE UNIVERSITY DRAMA PROGRAM Night of One Act Plays Due to thcgamc, thestart of'Saturday'sperformance has lieen changed In •;'."' /••'«• (Go. Duke! Swamp those Gators!)

Escaping Kansas 2:byJpim::Ciuin Directed by Stephen Schilling

GDIS byDaridWienerTOra & Directed by Emily Culver T94 Woman at Point Zero ^4RKET ^ by Victoria Vazquez T'94 Directed by Margi Sharpe T'94 Restaurant & Wine Bar 2200 W. Main St First Union Plaza - Erwin Square (Two blocks from East Campus) -Take Outs Welcome- FEATURING Roast Beefivith Melted Brie ...seasoned witb our special herb butter and mustard Regular $5.00 Large S6.00 286-6699 Serving Hours: Mon. - Fri. 11:00 am - 9:00 pm Sat. - Sun. 11:30 am - 3:30 pm FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 THE CHOMICLE Spurts Coach proves ineptness, manages to ruin Dream Team By ONE OF THE MANY AP VOTERS ning a gold medal was no sure thing. tary academy before be- WHO OVERRATED THOSE STINKING "If only we could have had 'Curious' comingagreat NBA cen­ TAR HEELS ALL DAMN SEASON, Georgia Lynche on this team, we might ONLY TO SEE THEM FALL ON THEIR ter, was asked after the FACE IN THE TOURNAMENT MUCH have played with some desire and contest to comment on FASTER THAN SERGE ZWIKKER intenstity at least occasionally," Smythe the freelance passing COULD EVER HOPE TO MOVE LATER­ said. "I wanted him back so badly that I game that the team's ALLY ACROSS THE COURT became obsessed with his impossible coach tried to utilize. REYKJAVIK, ICELAND - The Dream return during the preseason. It got to "Freelance?" the Ad­ Team. The most amazing collection of the point that I was willing to talk about miral said. "Hell, I had basketball talent ever. It was supposed what he meant to last year's team so more freedom to do what to be unbeatable. much that I forgot to even try and find I'wanted with my senior Then, the odds were evened. You- someone new to supply those qualities." officer's wife when I was know-who from a nearby pseudo-colle­ Balance, a trademark and downfall of a plebe in the Navy than giate institution famous for wasting tre­ some Smythe teams, was also hard to I did in this damn of­ mendous assemblages of All-America establish on this superstar-laden squad. fense." basketball players was named head Smythe did his best to bemoan the head- Smythe tried to hide his disappointment in the team's execution of his brilliant set, mak­ "If ignorance is bliss, our coach must be the ing his usual damning statements about cer­ happiest man in the history of the world." tain individuals while adding some inane, Sir Chuck cheery commentary. "We were standing coach. aches that having 12 veteran NBA all- around on offense, but You can imagine the rest. In perhaps stars, all willing to put their egos aside our seniors were really the most shocking upset in the history of and work together, caused him. great out there," Smythe sports, the reassembled Dream Team, "You know, a team often functions said. "As for the slow­ under the expert tutelage of head coach best ifi t plays only eight players," Smythe down, I figured the Four Dunce Smythe, lost to the Icelandic Na­ said. "On this team, our 12th player Corners was my inven­ tional Team 95-61 inthe second round of thinks he should play, even start, and tion, so I might as well BY GEORGE. YOU'RE CRYING OVER A GAME! qualifying for the 1996 Olympics, elimi­ that may not be a good thing." use it." Former President Bush wept after hearing the news nating the team from medal contention. When reminded that his 12th player When asked about the "It's very disappointing," Smythe said. averaged 40-something points and a use of the "invention" after the game, In response to his team's dislike for "I think we should have won this one. couple of dozen rebounds per game in one ofthe team's stars, who wished only the opposition's uniforms, Smythe in­ Maybe if I would have spent even one the NBA last year, Smythe admitted he to be identified as "Sir Chuck", was structed them to stop playing defense, to darn second all season trying to actually might have made his first ever mistake noncommital as to his true feelings. stand around on the court like they motivate my team to play hard instead in coaching after 32 years. "If ignorance is bliss, our coach must owned it, and to basically not even try to of just taking it for granted that they "I guess maybe that guy should be be the happiest man in the history ofthe play up to their abilities or act like a would play with heart because they were starting and wanting to play, seeing as world," said the player known as the team. Smythe's teams have become fa­ wearing these wimp blue uniforms, then he makes more thirty-footers than he Round Mound of Rebound and the Lean­ mous in the past year or so for such we could have lived up to some people's misses, even with hands in his face, or ing Tower of Pizza. "He had me 50 feet lapses. expectations. off the dribble, or turnarounds, or on from the hoop in that stupid offense. You Meanwhile, Smythe stopped doing "At least we could have beaten fadeaways too," Smythe said. "He is a know, at least when Edison invented the what little coaching he had been doing Clemson." true professional who comes to play hard lightbulb, he didn't end up getting it and began verbally assaulting and argu­ Smythe, to his discredit, claimed ever every day. I wish I could get some more shoved up his butt on international TV ing with the referees. None of the three since being named head coach that even players like that for my college team." when he tried to look like a genius and officials spoke English, but all three with all ofthe talent on the team, win- Also causing dissention on the squad use it." after the game said, via translators, that was Smythe's insistence on substituting The final straw sealing the Icelandic they found that knobby-nosed, whiny for every player on the floor at every victory was Smythe's decision during a American to be a royal pain in the behind. Spurtsfull dead ball. The coach defended his strat­ 26-0 American run to start the second After the abysmal loss, Smythe tried From who knows where egy by saying that he hoped to keep his half. With the game tied at 47, Smythe to blame the defeat on loose officiating. team fresher than the six-man Icelandic inexplicably decided to put the offensive "I probably shouldn't say this, but Who cares?: Only if you care squad, in hope that the Americans could shackles on his former collegiate star because I'm a whiner and I have no about some really insignificant pull the game out in the final minutes. and possibly the greatest player in the class, I will," Smythe said. "I warned my team should you ever read this Instead, nine ofthe Americans became history of sport, much like he once did to guys before the game about that No. 24. box. The crap that gets put in this exhausted from constantly running back the star when he was playing college He set some pretty mean (ice) picks out file is for freaks and followers of and forth to the bench after every dead ball in North Carolina. there. Ithinkheshouldhavebeen thrown both really insignificant teams ball, and Iceland remained fresh for the out of the game for making that hard and insignificant sports "After 'Air' made his first 11 shots of entire contest. the second half to get us back in it, I felt foul on my point guard from behind." The team's playing style was another it was more important to spread the When reminded that the foul was Laettner arrested: Former key factor in the loss. Smythe, afraid wealth on offense," Smythe said. "My called a flagrant foul, rewarding his team Duke star Christian Laettner was that his team couldn't keep up with the ideal team has every player averaging with two shots and the ball, and that arrested yesterday after passing game's fast pace, ordered his squad into exactly 9.3 ppg, and MJ was screwing Smythe's senior small forward who un­ by a silverware factory with his the vaunted "Four Corners" offense af­ that up." derachieved all season pushed a player girlfriend. Authorities believe ter the game's first basket. Another problem that the team en­ in the back on a breakaway shortly there­ that the mutual attraction be­ For those readers reading this story countered in playing against the Ice­ after and was not ejected, Smythe got up tween the couple resulted in the only to see what other blunders Smythe landers, whose starters were all named and stomped out of the pressroom in a decomposition of all the flatware made and are unaware of basketball Gunnar Canntshootsonn and stood un­ fury of mutter. in the factory into slag. jargon, the "Four Corners" is an offen­ der six feet tall, was the scratchy nature "I wouldn't expect you to understand," sive set, a Smythe invention so great of the team's uniforms. The Icelanders Smythe was thought to have said. "You that they had to create a new rule to were clad in pure wool sweaters and probably thought that Hill was better Real Slick Willie: The First Fan make college basketball exciting and shorts, which the American team found than my point guard on defense too,jus t is tryingto single-handedly stimu­ fun to watch again. to be scratchy and uncomfortable to the because everyone else who voted on it late the economy by paying scalp­ This stall tactic, along with a Hoosier- touch. said he was." ers' prices for a chunk of 50 seats like freelance passing offense that de­ at this weekend's Final Four. manded 37 passes on each possession Why is there talk of Since he's been watching all the before a shot could be taken, hurt the Because the Tarheels games, he hasn't had the time to team offensively and allowed the Ice­ replacing the hard­ do anything else, like begin fixing landers to go on a 19-0 run in the first wood floor in the Dean always look better on the country. half. Dome with Cardboard? Another player, an intelligent late paper. bloomer educated at an Annapolis mili­ Nico Tynes took this page FRIDAY. APRIL 1. 1994 THE CHOMICLE Error Jordan's whiffs should make for a cool summer

BURNINGMYHAM, Ah,no. (AP) An announcement able, proving that most people in Birmingham either would mean less work for everybody. by the Windy City White Sux Thursday made it offi­ don't care about his Errorness or don't know who the "Everything we do we've had to do stop doing so cial. That Error Jordan dude's baseball duties, in order hell he is because they don't have TV. Michael would have something to keep him busy while to be fair to all the other real minor league players who A crowd of fans outside the Barons' stadium grew to he's riding the pine horsey," said Ralph Upabigham. didn't get contracts based on their ability in an entirely about 50 by noon, which apparently was a pretty big "Painting, cleaning, everyday nasty work that nobody different sport, will include driving the team bus, shock for the folks in the ticket office. else wants to do is now going to be done by Hordman." cooking dinner, washing the uniforms after the game, "Now I've seen it all," said Mallard Drake, the and, in a form of hazing similar to that which Heels are team's ticket manager for 14 years who likely still routinely subjected to as freshmen ballplayers, haul­ hasn't seen that much. ing the team's video equipment. Drake said the team's average draw was a lot last ATTENTION ErrorJordan, the Red Oxen superstar-turned Suxy season. The stadium has more seats, with room for player, will take his detergent and recipe book with plenty of folk on a grassy hill behind the outfield fence. GRADUATING SENIORS him across the field in Birmingham for the first time at "We don't ever say we have a sellout," Drake said. the Barons' opening workout Tuesday. He'll then plop "Mainly because I can't pronounce the word. But as his ass down on the bench, where it belongs, and wateh long as idiots come up and want to buy a ticket, we'll guys with actual hope of making the majors. The public find a place to put them, even if it is in Tennessee." Do you anticipate receiving a relations director was too excited over the chance that Clubhouse workers said they knew Jordan's arrival he might be able to get away from the dead end job he's got promoting a crummy minor league team to say anything printable. CERTIFICATE IN Within an hour after the announcement, teams that would be playing Birmingham were reporting a run on JUDAIC STUDIES tickets by people so sad that they just want to see this guy do anything, even if he's pathetically bad at it. Tickets for an April 17-19 series between the Caro­ lina Mudsplats and Burminghamin Thebullion,N.C, 9999? go on sale today, said Roberto Tricky" Lichti, Carolina's p.r. guy who's probably getting ready to put up a down payment on a new Chevy with the money he siphons out ofthe Mudcat organization that weekend. "They're not going to last very long at all," Greenville Please call Wanda Camp in the Depart­ (S.C.) Braves public relations director Matt Garvey ment of Religion (660-3504) or come by said of tickets for a series against the Barons", in an amazing display of prognostication as to what will the office (118 Gray Building) to place happen when the world's most famous athlete comes to your name on the list of eligible candi­ a small town for one weekend in time. dates. This is imperative ifyou want to Some idiot from some other lame franchise said make sure you will receive your certificate Thursday night that the Barons had sold out box seats for the season-opening series against Chattanooga at graduation. April 7-9, but general admission seats were still avail­ Jr ST WANTED: ^^L % A Greek Peer Educator • An energetic, involved member of the Greek community who is concerned about the direction in which it is heading. today, April 1st • Someone who wants to help the Greek wish her community become more educated about the role of alcohol on campus. • Someone who wants to help the Greek community understand the impact of GOOD LUCK DUKE! alcohol and its potential future at Duke.

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