WORDSFROMTHETOP thesquelch heuristic newsflashes LAYINGTHESMACKDOWNSINCE1991 A Tad Bit Stupid There’ssomethingalotofyouaredoingwrong,andit’stimeyouallknowaboutit EDITORS(SuperChokeslams) Editor-in-Chief: KennyByerly beforeyourignoranceembarrassesmeanyfurther.Let’sstartwiththebasics,with CreativeEditor: DavidDuman somefriendlyexcerptsfromMerriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionary. WebEditor: TommasoSciortino GraphicsEditor: RyanPauley DesignEditor: MarkThomas tadFunction:noun 2:asmallorinsigniicantamountordegree:BIT
2 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 3 SurveyResults newsflashes Released TheDAILYCALIFORNIAN: ByRebeccaC.Brown,LaughingatMoors CORRECTIONS&CLARIFICATIONS Inarecentstudyofhumor,Berkeley researchers found that the average AmericanwoulddescribetheHolocaust’s Our article on Sarvonian Exchange Our Tuesday column stated that comedicvalueas“notallthatfunny.” Students incorrectly spelled exchange “Sex is a very personal, private act that “Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” student Garvoni’s name as “Gabvoni.” shouldn’tbevulgarizedinanewspaper.” remarkedstudyorganizerIsaacBrowne. Also,thereisnosuchnationasSarvonia. Thisisincorrect. Other phenomena that earned the Our Tuesday Editorial incorrectly Our Wednesday article, “Run for “notallthatfunny”distinctionincluded stated“Solet’sendthisperiodoftolerance yourlives!”stated“They’reeverywhere! the Jim Crow Laws, ethnic cleansing andstartaroundofpogromsthatwould They’re taking over our minds! They’re in the former Yugoslavia, and the shameGermany.”Thenationshouldbe amongus!”Thisisincorrect.Submitto eradication of North America’s native Russia,notGermany. theovermind. peoplesduetodiseasescontractedfrom Our Wednesday article incorrectly Regardingthearticleonfreezetag,as Europeansettlers. referred to the Daily Californian as ofpresstimeonTuesdayDonCamacho Observed Browne, “I guess people “iscallysolvent.” was“it.”However,bythenextmorning, aren’t really amused by murder on so OurFridayColumnincorrectlystated Mr.Camachowasnolonger“it.” largeascale.Whoknew?” “Of course, Heterosexuals like myself Weapologizeeversomuchforthe Child molestation, midgets, the don’tworryaboutthis.”Mr.Deenihanis October30,2001article“Silence,Wishes plague,andheartattacksmostoftenfell actuallyalaminghomosexual. andtheTormentofWar.” intothe“prettyfunny”category,whilethe Our Tuesday article incorrectly TheMondayarticle“PoisonedDaily Crusades,analrape,oldpeople,andunfair referred to “Women like Carol Buran of Cals to Kill Thousands” accidentally laborpracticesamongover-seasclothing the Women’s Studies Department.” Ms. containedpoison. manufacturers were deemed “hilarious” Buranisactuallyabroad. TheDailyCalifornianregretstheerrors. bytheparticipantsofthesurvey.
November2002• the heuristic squelch 3 effortonbuyingthissongandallitdidwas impedemythesistopicsearch,”Greenberg newsflashes sighedandthenadded,“I’mnevergoingto indathesistopicintheareaofirony,which off.IreallywantUncleJohntowinthetitle iswhatIresearch.” MaleNippleHasUse sowecaninallylethimdie.” The 25th and inal new level of irony McMorranhimselfisequallyenthusiastic was reached when a writer thought that about outlasting Christian. “My family says ByKevinDeenihan,Oxytocin Greenberg’s story would be comical and they won’t pay for a proper burial unless I interestingtoreadersatlarge. Milleniaofevolutionwereovercomeon give this my all,” he shouted to reporters Tuesday, when Sophomore Matt Bausch’s wildly,hisdeafnessmakingitdificultforhim usuallypointlessmalenipplesproducedadrop toproperlymodulatehisvoice.“OtherwiseI IraqImposes ofmilk.Thedropofmilk,highincalciumand wouldhavegivenuplongago.” SanctionsonU.S. undoubtedly nourishing to a newborn child, squeezedforthduringabasketballgameinthe Ludwig’sFountainFilled ByDanFreedman,SociallySanctioned RecreationalSportsFacility. Lastweeksawadrasticturnofeventsin Scientists theorize that Bausch’s male WithBubbles thetenuousIraqisituation.IraqiPresident nipples, struggling valiantly against a ByDavidDuman,DeadInside SaddamHusseinannouncedlastThursday completelackoflactationglandsandproper that Iraq will begin to impose economic Yeah,‘causethat’sreallyfuckingcool. ducts,brielygavemeaningtothetypically sanctions on what he described as the Oh wow. Bubbles. Wow. Never seen that useless,vestigialmalenipples. “FulcrumofEvil.”Inaspeechbroadcasted before.Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. Theyalsotheorizedthatthemiracleof overAl-JazeeraandIraqiradio,hedescribed thelife-givingmilk,defyingeveryscientiic theFulcrumofEvilasthebreedingground law, gave credence to either the existence for immoral behavior such as consensual of God or the ability of humanity to beat MorissetteSingleReaches NewLevelsofMeta-Irony sex and binge drinking. “These nations, overwhelmingodds. which include the United States, Russia, Mr.Bauschdidnotnoticethedropof ByTommasoSciortino,Meta-Funny France, China, Israel, Ukraine, Britain, milk, which was absorbed into his t-shirt Spain,Brazil,Mexico—especiallyMexico— The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” andevaporated. Italy, Germany, South Africa, Canada, and inally achieved the twenty third level of allotherU.N.nations,representallthatis recursive meta-irony this week when local evilintheworld,”Husseinstated. SecondOldestAmerican grad student Josh Greenberg purchased Inaddition,Husseinunveiledhisplan JustWantstoDieAlready the song after a discussion with his thesis toslowlyendallformsoftradewiththese advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to ByKennyByerly,AlwaysaBridesmaid nationsinhisspeech:“Mygoalistocutback purchasethesingleinspiteofhishatredfor ourmajorexports,suchasrocksandcamels, 113-year old John McMorran lives a itonlyachievedthe22ndlevelofirony—a to these rogue nations by 85% within one quietlife,havinglongsincelostthepowersof levelirstreachedbyaWisconsinmachinist yearandhopefully100%bytheyear2004. sightandhearing,aswellasbeingbedridden inJune2000—thefactthathedidsoeven Thiswaytheywillfeelanalmostimmediate since the age of 100. McMorran spends his whileunderstandingthathispurchasewas impactintheirhomesandneighborhoods.” days in a world of unfathomable boredom, ironic reached a new level of irony. “It’s Husseinalsoexplainedthathehopesto except for the twenty minutes a day when ironic that his quest for irony led him to encourage existing separatist groups such caregiversopenhiswindowandallowhimto purchasethesingle,”KimberlyDiaz,anoted astheKKKandtheBerkeleyCityCouncilto enjoythesensationofwindonhisface.His expert on irony, explains, “because that buildstrongercoalitionsandriseupagainst oneremainingpurposeinlife:tooutlastMary songisstillaprettycrappysong.” theseoppressiveregimes.Husseinendedhis Christian,therecently-crownedholderofthe Though the 23rd meta extension of speechbyexplainingthatsanctionswillnot titleOldestAmerican,sevendayshissenior. ironywasundertakeninabidforadoctoral includeoil.“Itmaybeevilmoney,”Hussein “We’re all so proud of him,” said thesistopicintheieldofCognitiveScience, commented,“butit’salotofevilmoney,so McMorran’s thirty-year old great-grandson, Greenberg was disappointed when his it’sallgood.” PeterMcMorran.“Oratleast,we’regoingtobe, effortswerefoundtobefruitless.“Ithought In response to Hussein’s statements, justassoonasthisMaryChristianhagdropsoff.” itwouldbeagoodtopic,joiningtheideas President Bush shot back, “You can’t put “We were so close to winning it,” of Chomsky and Searle in a purely post- sanctionsonus,wealreadyhavesanctions lamented McMorran’s sixty-four year old modern constructivist framework. What I onyou!AndyoutotallystolemyAxisofEvil nieceAgnesTofler.ThenMaryChristian’s gotwasabubble-gum-popjingleaboutlife’s idea.You’reusingallmymaterial;Saddam, peoplehadtogoanddigupherproofofage little disappointments,” Greenberg said. youaresuchahack!” justbeforethedeadline.Man,thatpissedme “It’skindoffunnyhowIexpendedallthis
4 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 5 When asked how the victims of the spend their Stafford Loan money on large CriminalElementtoHelp crimespreeBushisproposingwouldbeneit, quantities of beer,” said shift manager and RevitalizeEconomy hepromised“increasedspendingonprison promotions director Courtney Hill. “With budgetstoexpandourcapacitytodealwith [other Telegraph area bar] Henry’s offering byAndyLenigan,Subversive the wave of criminals that cause everyday TwoforTuesdays,$3‘tinisonFridays,and InastunningmovethatseniorWhite Americans to have to drive with a piece of DollarDraftsonSaturdays,andtheBear’sLair HousecorrespondentJamesWelltoncould cardboardtapedovertheirwindows.”Public takingawayallthebeerdrinkerswiththeir only describe as “stunning,” the Bush reaction to this new policy has been met ThursdayLiterNights,wewereatadistinct administration turned to the “dredges of withmixedreviews.Saidonepasserby,who disadvantage.Also,wewerehitdoublyhard the earth” to help stimulate the lackluster wishedtoremainanonymous,“Well,Iguess because,aftertheincidentlastyearinvolving economyofrecentmonths. it’s better than going to war, because that theSanDiegoStaterugbyteam,allthedate “I ask you, the criminal elements of seemedtobetheonlyplanthisadministration rapistshavemovedbacktoKip’s.” thisgreatnation,todoyourparttoensurea hadsofartogetoutofthisrecession.” The theme night, which will feature brightAmerica,notonlyforyourillegitimate 2-for-1 pitchers of beer and $1 lavored children, but for your children everywhere, malt beverages, is perfectly set up for the illegitimate or not,” Bush said during his Raleigh’sIntroduces college crowd. Says Hill, “The cheap beer midmorning speech in front of the U.S. NewThemeNight will increase aggression among our male Treasury building. “Every car window you patrons, while deceptively strong Hard break in search of crappy $40 CD players ByDavidDuman,ReliefPitcher(ofBEER!) LemonadesandSmirnoffIceswillincrease and$1.37inchangenotonlyhelpsyouscore After losing business every night of thevulnerabilityofthefemales.” your next hit of smack, but also stimulates theweektootherSouthsidebarsthatoffer “It’sjusttoobadthattheonlynightleft numerous other sectors of the economy. cheap drinks in large quantities to college open was Wednesday, I mean, it’s tough to Fromtheinsurancebrokerwhohandlesthe students,self-described“AmericanPuband comeupwithanametogowiththatdayof claim,totheautoglassmanufacturer,toeven Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new the week that people will remember,” Hill the auto glass installer who conveniently binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink concluded.Whenabystandersuggested“Get replacesglassonsiteameresixdaysafterthe alotatRaleigh’sonWednesdays.” WastedWednesdays,”emphasizingthecatchy pettyburglaryhasbeencommitted,everyone “It was about time we held a theme alliteration and ease of use in conversation, hassomethingtogain.” night to get college students to come and Hill’sfacecrumpledandsheburstintotears.
November2002• the heuristic squelch 5 Famous Showdowns Throughout History by matt loker
Athens vs. Sparta Dreams vs. Reality When:491B.C.to412B.C.However,doubtshaverecently When:Asfarbackasyoucanremember.Sigh. been cast upon these dates by an excavation in Northern Why?: Because maybe no one noticed you wetting your GreeceandthefactthatI’mjustmakingshitup. pantsbehindthejunglegym.BecausemaybeKatiedoeslike Where:Seetitleofight,toughguy. you. Because it’s perfectly normal for a 12 year old boy to Why?: Plain and simple: bragging rights. Who had likeunicorns.Becausetheworldwasn’treadyforyourband. the strongest armies, the wisest philosophers, the best Becauseonlyhugedorksgotoprom.AndbecausemaybeMr. government.Actually,noneofthatmattered.Itwasallabout SassyBasketsisjustsleeping. whohadthehottestyoungboys. Outcome: Everyone saw you piss yourself, Katie has since Outcome: Winners: old Greek guys. Losers: young boys alwaysthoughtyousmelledofurine,yourparentsdivorced gettingcornholed. becauseofyourperceivedhomoerotictendencies,yourband onlyplayedshittyMisitscoversandneverhadadrummer,the Khmer Rouge Leader Pol Pot vs. Cambodia guycaughtmasturbatinginthesupplyclosetgotaskedtoprom overyou,andMr.SassyBasketsisdeadasfuckingdisco. When:1975-1978. Where:Cambodia. Why?:Millionsofaggressivepeasantssuddenlydecidethat they’re the king-ding-a-ling of the country, and poor old Feminists vs. Me PolPothastodefendhimselfagainstallthesecrazypeople When:Rightaftertheyreadthis. throwingthemselvesinfrontofbullets. Why?:Becausesuddenly,senselessobjectiicationofwomen Outcome: Despite being badly outnumbered (millions of iswrong,orsomething.WellthenEXCUUUSEMEinadvance them,oneofhim!),ourlovable,avuncularPolPotisableto forreferringtoyourjunkasa“dickbag”.Repeatedly. heroicallyconvincethemeanpeopletostopdoingtheirbad things,thusavertingviolentconlictandwinningoneforthe underdog. Media Manipulation? Revisionist history? Take ® that,NoamChomsky! Four-cheese Pizza Hot Pocket vs. Getting Up When: 3 A.M. on a Thursday morning, after like 4 fat Swimsuit Models vs. Lingerie Models chongers. When:Itneverends. Where:Onthecouch,whilstundoubtedlycontemplatingan Why?:Fortherighttosuckmydick.Ifyoucouldseemysvelte art-housefavoritelike“HalfBaked”or“ArmyofDarkness”. physiqueandpreternaturalgoodlooks,you’dknowwhy. Why?: Because your smoke-enshrouded world is only big Where: Regrettably, my imagination. But coming soon to enoughforoneofthem. Fox! Outcome:Asurprise,asbothcombatantsarebeatenbythe Outcome:ThisisabattlethatNOBODYloses. unexpectedkung-fumasteryofsleep.
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6 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 7 TopTenMoney-FlavoredCandies 10.Snickels Loving the EECS 9.Jujudimes ByKevinDeenihan 8.RoloQuarters 7.KitKa$h It’sFridaynight,andyou’vebeenstood 6.PeppermintPennies up by the Usual Penis so he can go to a 5.Abbazabilliondollars stripclub.Youroptionsarelimited:watch 4.MoundsofCash the Oxygen Network with your roommate, 3.Reese’sPiecesofEight 2.MarsBarsofGold tryandindafratpartynotfullofdrunks 1.Sacagaweamacallits and glowstick-wielding freshmen, or try somethingalittleadventurous:gotoSoda TopTenWaysyouknowit’sWinter Hall. That’s right, you’re going cruising inBerkeley for engineers, and you’ll ind the most 10.Sproultreesloseleaf potent batch of masculinity ever known. 9.Girlsinskirtsdon’tjustlookslutty,now EECSmajorshaveaterriblereputation,and theylookdumb that’sokay.Theyhavemorethantheirfair 8.Nudistswearsock 7.SJPoccupieswarmerbuilding shareofmenwhoseewomenassecondbest 6.SigniicantCampanileshrinkage totheirfavoriteanimegirls,and,inextreme 5.Thehomelessdie cases, as second best to Mommy. These 4.Air-conditionerskickin are what you’d call “personality quirks.” 3.Itactuallygetsevencolder,breakingall But the reputation they receive as lawsofphysics unwashed, skinny nerds is entirely 2.Poolsupplystoreslootedlessoften. 1.Anti-freezeinbongwater unwarranted. What is overlooked is the number one fact of EECS men: they are TopTenOtherWaysyouknow volcanoes of untrammeled testosterone knowhowtomakeanythingoutofboth.Start Santa’sfromStanford with enough willpower and intelligence to ontopofacopyingmachine,justtokeepit 10.Likesbeinginthemiddleofnowhere learn whatever you wish to teach. These simple,andthengetcrazier.Let’sfaceit,you 9.Masturbates8timesaday are people capable of spending ive hours haven’tliveduntilyou’vegottenspankedby 8.Fat,white,andugly atatimelookingforasinglebugin10,000 aSpankingRobot.Onamoreseriousnote, 7.OnlygottobeSanta‘causeDaddywasSanta 6.Preferstostayoutofpolitics linesofcomputercode.Whileyourtypical don’t operate heavy machinery under the 5.Runsovergrandmaswithreindeer absentminded History major is perhaps inluence of engineer loving, as things 4.Segregatesweakertoys capableofspending30secondslookingfor couldgetmessy;andnotinthatgoodway. 3.Datesuglychicks the G-Spot before wandering off to other Engineers don’t take Fluid Mechanics 2.Onlygivesrichkidsgoodpresents duties,engineerswillindtheG-Spot.They for the credits. (Well, yes they do, but it 1.Fucksreindeer willevenbringinT-squaresandcalculators stillapplies).Thesearemenwithagreater if it’s required. And there’s a lot you can understanding of forces and weights than TopTenThingstodoonaRainyDay 10.Stoptherainbycomplaining do with a T-square besides straight lines. anyone else at Berkeley. Tired of being 9.Stayathomeandmasturbate Goaheadandwanderintoanycomputer crushedbyatoo-heavylover?Justmurmur, 8.Gooutsideandmasturbate(intherain) lab. Now take your pick: there will be at “mass times velocity” to an engineer 7.Impromptubaptism least10guyswaitingthere.Howoftencan and he’ll understand instantly. Let him 6.Wearpinkblouse,standoutside,be you choose a guy with such precision? experiment:it’swhathedoesbest.Afterhe KirstenDunst Don’tbeafraidtobepicky:youhaveevery getsoverhisshynessandisgivenfreedomto 5.Wipesweatoffbrow 4.Stealgarbagebagsfromhobos chance of inding a gem somewhere in roam,you’llbesurprisedbyhisimagination. squelch 3.Getwet the hall, inishing up his project before Butdomakeverycleartheparametersand 2.SnortRainBlo heading off to the RSF to lift weights. expectations; EECS majors don’t expect 1.Sitbytheireplaceandread Unfortunately, most will be in a sitting projects to work correctly the irst time, position, which is a bad way to check out but they’ll try over and over if necessary. TopFiveUsesfortheForeskin the ass. Just presume that it’s well toned. Wantaquickie?That’sine;he’llreturn 5.Replacementforsalmoninarainbowroll Inconfrontinganengineer,beingdirect to Counterstrike with a dazed expression 4.Keepitasa“HoodedAvenger”costume foryourpenis isthekey.Beirm,upfront,anddon’tplay andyou’llwalkoutasatedwoman.Dotake 3.Cureforpinkeye games,unlessyou’vemadeclearyouwant myadvice:thisisanopportunitynottobe 2.Putitbackontoscaregirlswhenthey to play games. Take advantage of your missed.Doitliketheengineersdo:onand godownonyou environment,too.Thisisabuildingchock onuntilthebreakofdawn.Andthendrinka 1.Eye-patch fullofelectricity,machines,andpeoplewho RedBullandstartalloveragain.
November2002• the heuristic squelch 7 TopTenReasonstheUniversity won’tgiveyouyourDegree The Further Adventures of 10.You’redumb 9.Youhavenohandswithwhichtotakeit 8.The“chalkdustincident” 7.119.5units 6.Theydid,itwasinKelvin 5.Becauseyou’responsoredbyOldSpice By Bret Matthews (Kenny Byerly) 4.Thelibrarywantstheirbookback 3.“Readin’Stuff”notanapprovedmajor.Yet. Alotofpeoplethinkitwouldbecoolto a reputation for laziness in college, as the 2.Foryourowngood beabletochangeintoasportscarwhenever slightest workout would have treated the 1.Underwaterbasketweavingprereq.notmet theygethot,andbackintoahumanwhenever entire gym to the sight of a sports car on theygetcold,butI’mheretotellyou,it’sno a treadmill. I couldn’t even blame drugs TopTenThingsyourFathertoldyou picnic.MylifechangedalotthedayIcrashed formysloth—thewarmsmokeofburning nottotellMommy mybrightredsportscarintoDr.Chase’slab marijuanaillingmylungswouldonlyhave 10.Son,I’myourmother.Also,thisisaparadox ontheverydayhewastestingatransference resultedinmeexhalingviaanexhaustpipe. 9.SometimesIjustwanttobeheld ray,causinganaccidentthatfusedmybody Don’t even get me started on the 8.Yourmom’scookingsucks withmycarforever.Heck,Ithoughtitwas mockery my disability has made of my 7.Yourmother’sbarren,soyoumusthave herchildren toughenoughtryingtoightcrimeandbea law practice. Sweating in my tailored 6.I“makelove”toyourmother,butI“fuck” normalteenager,butthingshaveonlygotten suit, under pressure to cross-examine a thedog tougherasI’vegottenolder. witness during a particularly stressful 5.Yourmotherwasadopted Do you realize even a kiss from my case,inastilingcourtroomfullofpeople, 4.Ihidethepornintheveggiecrisper friend Pattie was enough theurgetotransform 3.Thebabysitter’sdead to turn me into a car? overwhelms me 2.YoucanhelpyourselftoMomaslongas Sure,thatwasgreatwhen suddenly, and often. youpretendyou’reme we were on an adventure Usually I can make 1.I’mgay,you’regay,we’reallgay and needed a quick way ittomypitcherofice out of a jam, but did you waterbeforebecoming TopTenPornographicThanksgiving everconsiderthatImight asportscarandlosing Movies 10.GobbleGobble wanttobekissedandstay the trust of the jury, 9.CreamedCorn human once in awhile? butevenifIdomake 8.TakeYourLandandFuckYourWomenXI: Whenever I’m with a girl it in time, everyone TheQuickening and things get hot and alwayslooksstrangely 7.MaylowerDelowered heavy, I always run the attheguywhocutsoff 6.Stufin’N’Gravy risk of getting hot and midsentence to run 5.PuttheMeatontheTable too heavy, if you know across the courtroom 4.SpanXXXgiving what I mean. I mean I and soak himself in 3.Pilgrim-IndianInterracialGangbandIV turn into a car, which is water. 2.SnatchedPotatoes 1.Mastur-bastin’ heavy. Even if I manage I would like to nottocrushher,youknow settle down and raise TopTenReasonstojointheArmed things will get awkward when she opens a family, but I cannot, for fear that my Forces her eyes and realizes she’s tonguing the car-transforming ability has become part 10.Freecarcinogens grille of a Firebird. Basically the only way of my genetic makeup, to be passed on to 9.Bootcampiswatereddownforwomen togetaroundthatisifwesuckonicecubes mychildren.Icannotriskmychild’sfetus nowanyway together,orifwebreakeveryifteenminutes transforming into a car in the warmth 8.Youhaveunevenbiceps to chew a stick of ice gum. And for some of the womb, harming the hypothetical 7.Becausenoonereallydiesinwar reason,girlsalwayswanttoknowwhyIhave motherofmychildandpotentiallycausing nowadays suchspeciicneeds.Why,theyask,canwe amiscarriage.Thefetusmightchangeinto 6.Toprotectandserveyourcountry onlyhavesexinacoldshower,aswimming a Micro Machine or Hot Wheels sized car 5.Becauseyou’renotpartofthesolution 4.Fuckin’G.I.Billbitch! pool,orabathtubfullofice?Pityme,Bret atirst,butIhavenodoubtitwouldgrow 3.SeebeautifulNewFranceand,diethere Matthews, for the least terrifying answer well into Power Wheels size by the third inWWIII possibleis:“Iamasickmanwithperverse trimester,andanyonewouldagreethatthis 2.Youdroppedoutofhighschool temperature fetishes.” One time, I forgot isunacceptable. 1.Toavoidjailtime myselfwhenagroupofunknowingcollege Ontheplusside,Ihaveaspoiler,which friendsinvitedmetojointheminahottub. istotallydope. Needlesstosay,Iwasnotinvitedback. Prurienttopicsaside,thingshaveonly Turbo-Teenranfor12episodesduringthe gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I gained 1984-5season,SaturdaymorningsonABC.
8 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 9 Fake Movies
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99/doz. ABoxofPencils 2 What child wouldn’t want to receive school suppliesonthismostmagicaldayoftheyear? And what school supplies are cooler then pencils? The only thing cooler would be that thinghereallywanted,orarock. #12945.Sharpenernotincluded. 99 JuniorOrthodontiaKit 29 99 Areyouthelastkidonyourblockwithoutbraces?Well,areyou?I’m 79sale askingyouaquestion,son,answerme!SpeakupbeforeIknockyour PowerBoxx™ teethout,otherwiseyouwon’tbeabletousethisfun-illedplayset!That’s The most powerful battery-powered toy on the better.Nowyoucanenjoybeingontheotherendofthetooth-casting, market!Takes6AAbatteries,4Cand8Dbatteries. braces-sticking, enamel-drilling, gum-cutting, root-canaling, molar- Lasts 5 full minutes before all batteries must be pulling, wire-bending terror of orthodontia. You can also save your replaced.Electricityfrombatteriesisusedtopower parentstonsofmoneybyhavingyourfriendsinstallyourbracesforyou. the PowerBoxx™’s incredible internal battery- Tellthemthatiftheydon’twanttobuythissetforyou.Iftheytellyou consuming engine PowerTronn™, which consumes theystillwon’tbuyitbecauseyourteethareperfect,fuckupyourteeth batterypoweratanastronomicalrate.PowerBoxx™ andaskthemagain.Novocainesoldseparately. does not do anything else aside from draining #92780 batterypower,asthiswoulddivertresourcesfrom the battery-consuming engine (PowerTronn™). Batteriesnotincluded. #34678 Scrap! By Mark Thomas The time was 11:52. PM. Me and the fellas were heading for the Ragtime after a little soft-shoe over on Main Street when we heard it. Bass. Walking. “Snap!” I held up my fi st and my crew clicked to a stop and cocked their heads eagerly. Yeah, that’s them. The Denim Boys. “Cool!” Flicked my wrist on the upbeat and Jumpin’ Jonesy hit the sticks. The hi-hat: our cue to stretch. I waited ‘til I saw their shadows on the alley wall in front of us shrinking. They were coming, alright. And from the looks of it, they had their rumble shoes on. fallap step heel, drawback, paddlestep, repeat. Sure it was simple. “Sizzle…” It doesn’t take much to get the boys riled when But we weren’t any grade school tap dancers. In fact, we weren’t even they’re nice and limber. A quick arabesque into a cabriole and we allowed to talk about grade school tap dancers. were heading toward the corner, hissing like deadly venomous “Pow! Whiz! Slap!!” – Razz lunged, throwing three good ones snakes. my way. I countered with a “Bizbam slappity-bang!” We skipped to a halt just as they came sashaying around into And then all hell broke loose. view, head scoundrel Razamatazz leading the way. The gangs slammed into each other. Violently. Delicately. Razz “Been too long, Jazzhands.” Him. was hitting me with everything he had. But I whipped up a riff of “Not long enough, Razamatazz.” Me. my own so smooth I had to serve it with some shortcake. Razz was You know something’s going to hit the fan when the snapping stunned. I was hungry. starts. And that something is shit. “That’s a little something we like to call talent, Razz. You might “Why don’t you just shuffl e-off-to-Buffalo and save yourself want to try a helping sometime.” some trouble Razz.” “Heh. You look thirsty,” he said coolly picking up on my The town clock struck twelve. His face instantly crinkled and metaphor, “looks like you could use some High-C Fruit Punch!” his arms fl ew up, graceful, like a swan. “Show ‘em what you can do, He hit the note and threw out his fi st. Luckily for me, he threw like gentlemen.” Johnny B. and Johnny B. liked to practice that scene. I dodged it with It began. Razz and I locked eyes and circled slowly, slinking like an elegant pirouette and grabbed his collar. I was about to serve him leopards. Meantime, the fellas broke into their routine. Brush wing, up my fi ve-knuckle club when the boys in the band hit a brassy climax and the music paused. Time for the group number. Just my luck. Entrechat, rond de jambe en l’air, Grande Jete; we danced the dance of beautiful battle. And when we were fi nished I tapped out a scuff-spank dig-toe and gave Razz a ball change he wouldn’t forget. Then I threw some cornstarch in his eyes. “No one, but no one, taps on our streets,” I sang. The boys backed me up by chanting “no one” on one and three. It was done.
12 the heuristic squelch • November 2002 Forthesecondtimeinaweek,mylawnhasdogpooponit.Iwillremedythis,theonlywayIknowhow. KillingTheNeighbor’sDogIn FiveEasyDrafts Idecidetoasktheneighborifhe’sseenanyothersimilar- lookingdogsaround,onlyrealizingmymistakeafterIask.“Hi, ByZackFornaca sorrytobotheryou,whatwiththegrievingandall,buthaveyou Ihaveheardthatchocolateislikepoisontodogs.Ido seenany...Imean...doyou...haveyousmelledor,uh,heardany havealotofchocolatelyingaround.However,itseemslikea dogs,lately,thatlooklike...no,smellorsoundlikethey,uh,might wasteofperfectlygoodchocolate,whenIhavesomuchactual looklikeyourolddog?”No?Fairenough. poisonlyingaround.Icouldsliptherealpoisonintothedog’s IcontactmybrotherwhoworksfortheCenterforDisease food,andthechocolateintothispanoffudgebarsI’mmaking. ControlinAtlanta,andaskhimiftheyhaveanythingontapthat Irealizemyerror,however,whenIrememberthatthefudge killsdogsandonlydogs,andifhecanmailittome.Hesaysthey barsarefortrick-or-treatingkidsandthat,asamisanthrope, haveabunch--Enwoofalitis,DoubleRabies,DoggieAIDS--but Irequireboththechocolateandthepoisonforthefudge.This, thatthey’realltotallyoff-limitsandthathe’dlosehisjob.“Come ofcourse,begsthequestion,“HowdoIgetadogtogotrick- on,”Isay,“Youlovelosingyourjobforme!” or-treating?” “Ohyeah,”hesays,andthreedayslateranaerosolspray canofGoldenRe-feverarrivesinmymailbox.Ispraythelawnand, Forstarters,Ineedacostume.Thiswouldrequiremore muchtomydelight,asthedayswearon,theshitonmylawngets stitchingandweavingthanIampreparedtomuster,exceptthat morewateryandpungent.Thedogisdying! OldNavyactuallysellscostumesfordogs.Wizard,pirate,ninja, Then,justonthecuspofmytotalvictory,Jesusdescends orcat?Thelastfuckingthingthedogneedsismagic(regular fromheavenandgrantsthedogimmortality.God-damnit! magic,ninjamagic,orcatmagic)tohelpitpoopmy lawn to smithereens,butIthinkaneyepatchmightfuckitup,oratleast Iwait20years.At7:32amonFebruary20,2023,California keepitfromseeingwhatI’mupto.Itmightbehardtoconvince sinksintotheoceaninamassiveearthquakeand,whileIdie,that thedog’sownertotakeittrick-or-treating,though,especially infernaldogislefttosink.“Butdogscanswim!”yousay.Ohyeah? sinceit’saseeingeyedogandtheownerisdiabetic.Andblind. Maybeso,butcantheyswim...FORETERNITY?? Sinceit’saseeingeyedog.
Solution:Ibreakintotheneighbor’shouseandsteal one of his CDs (Gloria Estefan and the Miami something Subscribe! something).Thenextday,Irubitwithdirt,knockonhisdoor Order NOW and get andsay,“Um,Ithinkyourdogleftthisonmylawn.”Andhesays a complimentary set thanksandinvitesmein.Ifeignthirst,andtheblindguyheads of 6 classic issues! intothekitchentogetmeaglassofwater.“Say,niceplaceyou gothere.Oh,isthisapictureofyourkids?Yeah?”Isay,muffling thedogwhileforcinganeyepatchandbootsontoit.Ithankmy hostforthewaterandthenleave. Timepasses. Why wouldn’t I want to Because I want to laugh On Halloween afternoon, I return to my neighbor’s laugh for $15/year? for 2 years for $25!!!! placeandknockonthedoor.HeopensitandIpulloutalead pipeandknockhimout.Thismayseriouslyinjurehim,butit Name servesmypurposes.Ishakehim,saying,“Buddy!Buddy!”until hecomesto.“Whathappened?”hesays.“Youwerejustaboutto Address takeyourdogtrick-or-treating,”Itellhim.“AndthenIknocked yououtwiththispipe,accidentally.”Hedoesn’tbeleiveme,but City/State/ZIP Ipointoutthathisdogiswearinganeyepatchandboots,which heconfirmsbytouch.“Icertainlydon’trememberdoingthat!” Phone# E-Mail hesays,butfeelsobligated.Iexcusemyselfandgobackhome. Mailwithcheckormoneyorderto: Thatevening,myneighborcomesbywithhisdog.I thesquelch heuristic givethedogafudgebarandbymorningthedogisdead.This Subscriptions P.O.Box4116 leavesmeelated,untilfourdayslaterwhenIfindafreshcoatof Berkeley,CA94704 shitmattedontomylawn.Ihavekilledthewrongdog.
November2002• the heuristic squelch 13 a hurricane By Tommaso Sciortino —with lava in it! Dude!Youknowwhatthecoolestthingwouldbe?Ifyouhad Ireallywouldn’twanttogoswimminganyways‘cause,asIsaid,I thiscar,andthecarcouldly,butyoudidn’thavetoworryabout can’tswim,butI’dsureasheckpickwateroverthat. gasoranything,andithadlamespaintedontheside,andwhen “Butwait,”yousay.“Ibetevenyoucan’ttopyourself.”Sorry youdrove,thelameswouldlooklikereallames.Yeah,thatwould mynay-sayingyoungpaladinofpomposity(don’tstealthatphrase, bedoublesweet.Ithinkupstufflikethatallthetime.Myfriends ‘causeImadeitupjustnow).How‘boutapoolofboilinghotacid callme“TheZoo.”It’s‘causeI’msocoolandIthinkcoolstuffupall thatwaselectriied!Andwhatifitwasmagnetizedtoo,soit’dsuck thetime.TheZooisalsocool,butifyou youin.Andwhatifithadthesetotally didn’tknowthatalready,you’digureit crazyishthatcouldliveinhotacidthat outrightquick.‘CauseI’msocooland wouldlikegoape-shitonyouandeat that’smynickname,“TheZoo!”Guilt yourfaceoffifyougottooclose.“But byassociationbaby! won’ttheishdiefromtheelectricity?” What’s the scariest thing you you ask. Man, you just never learn: can think of? I’m sure it’s a hangnail electriceels.It’slikenormalforthem. or something like that. Don’t get me But I just can’t stop having cool wrong, hangnails: pretty scary. Check ideas. My friend Jeff, he knows this this out: a hangnail... with lava in it! guythatdrawsthesetotallyfuckedup Fuck, you almost crapped your pants picturesinhisnotebook.He’sgotthis it’ssoscary.Grabadiplomaonthewayoutbud,becauseyouhave oneofthistotallyizzity-inespiderladyandshe’sgoteightlegs,just justbeenschooled. likeaspider.Youcanseepartofhernipstoo.Anyways,hispictures Sometimesit’sjusttooeasy.Likewhat’sthemostdangerous weresoawesomeIthoughthemusthavespelunkedinsidemyhead thingyoucouldeverthinktogoswimmingin?Ifyoucan’tswim andgotideasIhadn’teventhoughtofyet.We’regoingtoworkona (likeme)you’dprobablyjustthink:well,water’sdangerous.Out comicbooktogetherandit’sgoingtobethecraziestbookever.It’s withtheoldinwith“TheZoo,”myfriend.Howaboutswimming gonnabecalled“TheBarcelonaIncident.”Seeyouonthelip,yo. inacidthat’sscaldinghot.Yeah,Iwouldn’twanttoswiminthat. P-out.
14 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 15 NBC Interviews Mystikal By Dan Freedman TomBrokaw:Mystikal,asyouknow,PresidentBushhassentthe TomBrokaw:Ah,Isee attack-IraqlegislationtotheHill.IftheU.N.can’tforceSaddamto what you’re getting at. cooperatewithweaponsinspectors,thepresidentwantstheability The president needs foranAmerican,notU.N.led,attackagainstIraq.Asaprominent todevelopbipartisan andinluentialculturaligure,doyouthinkitisagoodideaforthe support to revive UnitedStatestoleadanattackwithoutU.N.approval?Whatisthe conidence in the MTVworld’sperspective? national economy Mystikal:!!DANGER!!,SHOWMEWHATYAGOT!! before attempting TomBrokaw:Ithinkeveryoneagreesthisisadangeroussituation, any new growth-oriented pieces of yetmanypeoplebelievethatwiththethreatofbiologicalagentsand legislation. nuclearweapons,thetimeshavechanged.Thetimeforhemming Mystikal:ICAN’THEARYA!! andhawingisover.Doyouagreewiththis? TomBrokaw:Itallmakessense.CompanieslikeEnronhavemade Mystikal:GETONTHEFLOOR! the investing world unstable, thereby lowering conidence in the TomBrokaw:Veryinterestingcomment,Mystikal.Soyouthink stockmarketandthusmakingsmallbusinessmoresusceptibleto thatbeforethepresidenttakesuptheissueofwar,heneedstojump- marketluctuations. starttheeconomywithabottomdownapproach?Perhapsthrough Mystikal:DANGER!!SINGIT! supportingsmallbusinesseswithsubsidiesorincentives? TomBrokaw:WouldyousaythattheU.S.economyisduetoshowa Mystikal:WATCHYOURSELF!! bigcomebacksometimesoon? TomBrokaw:Excuseme? Mystikal: YEAH! THAT PUSSY’S SMOKIN’! GET UP SOME Mystikal: SHAKE YOUR ASS!! SHOW ME WHAT YOU’RE MORE! WORKIN’WITH!! Tom Brokaw: I would have to agree with that myself. Mystikal, Tom Brokaw: Are you replying to a question or making a Icantellwehavealotincommon.It’snicetoseethattheMTV comment? generationisconfrontingthesemajorissues. Mystikal:DANGER!!SHAKEITTOTHERIGHT!!SHAKEITTO Mystikal: [straight into the camera] SHAKE IT!! SHAKE IT!! THELEFT!!GRINDITLIKETHAT! WATCHYOURSELF! HowtoSurvivea RainySeasoninBerkeley RentStabilizationBoard
TENANTS:Ifyou’resleepingonthecouchinthelivingroombecauseyourroofleaksoveryourbed, it’stimetodosomethingaboutit.Don’twaituntilmushroomsstartgrowinginthecarpet. • Makeawrittenrequesttoyourlandlordforrepairs. • Forstructuralorweather-prooingproblems(whichyouthink Telephoningisine,butyouwillalsowantwritten maynotmeetlocalorstatebuildingcodes)callforahousing proofofhavingmadetherequest,soifyounotify inspection:981-5444.Thehousingdepartmentcaninethe yourlandlordbyphone,followupwithaletter landlordiftheproblemdoesnotgetixed,andtheywillissue andkeepacopy.Ifyoudon’tnotifythelandlord areportwhichwillalsoserveasevidenceoftheproblem(s). ofseriousproblemswhichresultindamagethat couldhavebeenpreventedwithnotiication,you • FileapetitionattheRentStabilizationBoardforapossible cankissyoursecuritydepositgoodbye. rentreductionifyoucannotworkoutasolutionwiththe landlordyourself. • Ifapplicable,takephotosoftheproblem,or calltheRentStabilizationBoardforsomeone tovideotapetheproblem.It’slikelythatyou’re formoreinformation: entitledtoarentceilingreductionfromthetime theproblembegantothetimeit’sixedifyou 2125MilviaSt,Berkeley,94704 TEL: (510) 644-6128 ileapetitionwithourofice,butyou’llneedto EMAIL:[email protected] TDD:(510)644-6915 demonstratethattherewas(orstillis)actuallya problem. WEBSITE:www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/rent FAX: (510) 644-7723
November2002• the heuristic squelch 15 Disney Babes By Ryan Pauley WhileDisneytriestohidephallicsymbolsin NowImaynotbeanMCBmajor,butIknow opulent wealth that accompanies his title. thebackofitscutesyanimatedfeatures,no that that’s not a normal reaction. Keeping Hotsex+lotsofcash=goodtimes.I’dlove oneneedstoslowdownthetapetorealize thisinmind,I’dbealittlecautiousaround toshowherAWholeNewWorld. thattheDisneyprincessesarereallyfucking thisbeauty.Ifanything,makesureallyour hot. Think about it: what turns us guys pricks are sheathed before spinning with Ariel on when watching a porno? The sexy girls thistaintedPrincess. Easily, the most scantily clad of the on screen getting down with some hot, hot Princesses, I equate Ariel with some sort sex. Why should the Disney movies be any Cinderella ofFloridaBeachgirl.Forsomereason,with different?Sure,weneverseethemintheheat Whileyes,sheisgoingtolookthebestat hersportyattitudeandherseashellbikini, of the act, but we, as intelligent, insightful the ball, after a while you’ll probably just Ican’tseeheranywhereotherthanSpring college students can infer and extrapolate. checkyourwatch,lookingtoseehowlong BreakinMiamiBeach;youjustknowshe’s Whilemostofusguyshaven’twatchedany ‘tilmidnight.Thinkaboutit:she’scoming goingtoletlooselikeanyoneofthoseGirls oftheDisneymoviesinalongtime,maybe from a long day of dealing with her evil GoneWildonceyougetafewBacardisanda weshould… step-sisters, so the time you spend with SexontheBeachinher. herwillprobablybeilledwithallsortsof The quickest and most awkward depressinganecdotesabouthershittylife. negative observation is that, while she’s Snow White And while you might think you’re getting a really hot girl up top, she doesn’t have BeingtheirstPrincessoftheDisneyclique, a humble girl, don’t count too heavily on a proper vagina! So while this might not she’stheboss.Andthat’sperfectlyalright, it;there’ssomedevilishtwinkleinhereye necessarilybeahorriblething,itdeinitely butI’mnotsureIcanhandleSnowWhite’s thatmakesmethinkthatoncethetablesare puts a kink in the normal way of sexual BDSM24-7.Onething’sforsure:SnowWhite turned,she’dbeabitofaslobherself. relations.JustrememberDarylHannahin isonekinkygirl.Iftheideaofsexwithagirl Splash,andyou’llcatchmydrift. andsevendwarvessoundsappealingthen Belle Snow White is the freak for you. A friend Probably the most intelligent girl in this Nala tried to tell me that she wasn’t hot, but I list,Belle’sgotthatwholeseductive-French While oficially not on Disney’s list of retortedthatthat’sbecauseSnowWhitewas thing going on. While in the movie she Magical Princesses, I’m inclined to madeinthe1930s;hell,ifsheweredrawn fallsinlovewiththeBeast,she’sprobably disagree:whyshouldaprincess(orqueen) today,withthatshortblackhairshe’dsobe let down at the end when the Beast (and be discounted merely because she walks anIndiekid.Justthrowonsomeglasses,an his gigantic-sized pleasure apparatus) is around on all fours? Is that really a bad ironictankoveralongsleeveshirt,anda reduced to normal human size. Poor girl. thing?ThewayIseeit,Disneyhumanizes fewstreaksofcolorintoherhairandshe’d Looking at Beast, we see that she’s into allitsanimalsanyway,soifyougetalittle beindistinguishablebutdeinitelyafreak. rough and big guys. She also reads a lot. turnedonwhenwatchingalioness,it’snot Expect to be playing out teacher fantasies your fault, it’s Disney’s. While normally I Sleeping Beauty withthishotbrunette. stronglyfrownuponanyideaofbestiality, At irst I didn’t see too much positive Nala’s my one exception: she’s got those characteristicsaboutthisgirlcomparedto Jasmine deep, sexy eyes and, c’mon, who wouldn’t therest,Imeanwhilesheisanaturalblonde, Jasminebrings“diversity”toDisney’sclique wanttohavesexwiththequeenofbeasts? sheprobablyisn’tthesexiest,nordoesshe ofPrincesses.Jasminecomesequippedwith I’ddoalion,totally. have the most compelling personality, of akillerbody,plusyoujustknowshehasa The negative side to Nala comes theDisneyPrincesses.ButthenIrealized, fullworkingknowledgeoftheKamaSutra through the movie The Lion King itself. hey, she’s Sleeping Beauty! None of that (eventhoughshe’snotHindu),and,lastly, While I usually have a problem with boringpost-sextalk:she,likeme,isgoing there’s something erotic about having a bestiality, I really have a problem with torolloverandfallfastasleep.Imean,what girl with a pet tiger. Not a pussycat or a pedophilia and for half of the movie, we thehellarewegoingtotalkaboutanyway, boring dog, a fucking tiger. She’s also the havetodealwithNalaasacub.And,asif sewingandspinningwheels? onlyPrincessofthebunchwho’saformal that’snotbadenough,heryouthfulstatus Speakingofspinningwheels,I’dbea princessbybirth,notbysomestupidtwist alsoremindsusofSimbaasacub,voicedby bithesitanttogetwiththisMagicPrincess. offateorundersomestrangeprovisionthat Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That’s deinitely While yes, she is Sleeping Beauty, do we she’dbedressedlikeapeasant.Thatmean’s notafaceIwanttothinkofwhentryingto forget that her sleeping spell is directly Jasmine has the power of the free-lowing makesweet,sweetlovetoanylioness. linked to her getting pricked by a needle? accountofherfather,theSultan,andallthe
16 •November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 17 ByDavidDuman
Lastweek,Ihitchhikedacrossthecountry.Thisismystory.
DayOne Myjourneybeganhere,inbeautifulMystic,Connecticut.Ihadtoleavemyidyllicsurroundingsbecauseofarun-inwith localauthorities.Seemsthat“hashish”is“illegal”inthestateofConnecticut.Andsoishaving“sex”with“minors.”Lousy conservatives.Beingthered-bloodedJackKerouac-readingAmericanmalethatIam,Ihitchedarideinthebackofa chickentruckuntiltheshotgun-wieldingdriverrealizedIwasthereanddumpedmeunceremoniouslybesidetheinterstate. Ispenttherestofthenightsleepinginaditch.
DayTwo Convictsinorangejumpsuits,mistakingmeforgarbage,wokemeupbyjabbingmeinthethighwiththeirgarbagesticks. Realizingthatwheretherewasgovernment-sponsoredslavelabortherewereboundtoberepresentativesfromConnecticut’s Finest,Iranquicklydownthehighwaytothenearestoff-ramp.There,Iwaitedpatientlywithmythumbextendedfor severalhoursuntilatruckstoppedandletmeinthecab.Bythispoint,mythighwoundwasstartingtofester.Fortunately, thedriver,MoonbeamCaterpillarO’Shea,saidhewashaulingmedicalsuppliesandhegavemeatetanusvaccinefromabox underhisseat.Theremainderofthedaywasspentavoidingtheneondragonstryingtogetmetoplaycribbagewiththem.It gottobetoomuchandIditchedtherideataCincinnatitruckstop.Psychedelicdragons,apparently,areIndiansfans.
DayThree AfterhavingspentthenightinaCozyCoupeandfeelingextremelysore,IwaitedalldayattheAM-PMforanotherride.At 3:00IwasinformedbysecuritythatthisAM-PMwasnotonamajorinterstateandwas,infact,aGapinaCincinnatimall. Embarrassed,Ileftthemalland,stealingatandembicyclefromasmallcrippledchildandanelderlywoman,Irodelike thewindouttotheFlyingJTravelCenter.Afterstandingbytheentrancewithmythumbonceagainextendedforaboutan hour,aVolkswagenEurovanfullofattractiveblondespulledoverandinvitedmein.Seemsthattheywereheadingouttoset therecordforlongestcontinuoussame-sextoplessmake-outsessionandsaidthatIcouldridealongforaslongasIliked.I thankedthemfortheopportunityandenteredthevan.
DayFour AfterawonderfulnightdiscussingthemeritsoftheNaturalRightsphilosophyofJohnLockeincomparisontoJean-Jacques Rousseau’s Social Contract Theory with these erudite and buxom travelers, I realized that this ine piece of German machinerywas,infact,headedforFlorida.Andapparently,sowasthevan.Iagonizedovermychoicebetweennaked philosophizingandgettingbacktoCaliforniaintimeformymidterm.WepulledintoPanamaCityBeachthatafternoon.I wastakingthecoursepass/notpassanyway.
DayEight WiththeprizemoneyIwoninthewett-shirtcontest,Iboughtaplanetickethome. Cross-Training
November2002• the heuristic squelch 17 Holiday Memories
Carving the turkey is my favorite part of beautiful memories of the holidays when town shaded by nearby mountains, which Thanksgiving. No, it’s not because I like Iwasakid.Irememberwhenwe’dallbe werebeingshadedbyclouds.But,backto holdingknivesorbecauseIliketobutcher gathered in the living room at my uncle’s thestory.Wewalkedintothebar,andwho things.It’sforthecookingaesthetics.The beautifulhouse,andoh!thelookofrapture dowesee!Mr.SaturdayNightFeverhimself, turkeyalwayssmellssofresh.Momusesa onmycousins’facesastheyopenedpresent JohnfuckingTravolta.Soweallintroduced special quality glaze every year. My knife after present—Game Cube after laptop ourselvesandifteenminuteslaterwewere barely goes an inch deep, and you can afterKawasakiJetSki!Itmakesmesheda drinking, chatting, and dancing. What a alreadybreatheinthelavor.Mmm-mmm! tearevennowtothinkbackonhowhappy night;ontheridehomewetalkedaboutthe I’d recommend keeping a towel nearby to they were, and how my parents—if I was trip,andcheckthis,mymomactuallymade absorb all the blood, though. Gloves are lucky—wouldgivemeanoldboottognaw out with John Travolta while my dad gave also useful just in case the turkey tries to onwhileIwatched. himahandjob.Thatissosweet. peckatyourhands.Ohyeah,andthenext -CB -DF timethegascompanyknocksonyourdoor asking for its third back-payment, don’t LastChristmas,Dadgotmeaferret.“Dad, chasethemawaywithaknife. thoseareillegalinCalifornia!”Itoldhim. -MS Hedidn’tlisten,buttheferretdid.Itstarted lookingforlornandashamed.Itwalkedto Mypopwasthekindofguyyoulookedup thephoneandpusheditsnosedownintothe to,butyoudidn’tknowwhy.Iguessitwas buttonsfor9-1-1,likeitwasgoingtoturn hisattitudetowardslifeormaybejustthe itselfin,butwhentheyansweredthephone, wayhedealtwithit.DidIsaydealt?Imeant theferretjuststartedsobbingandsnifling, belt. If life was anything like a fragile, and hung up. It tried calling 911 a couple defenselessbabyjustrecentlyweanedfrom moretimes,butneverquitehadthenerve. itsmother’steat,itsawalotofmypop’sbelt. Wegotitsomeblack-marketferrettherapy Butboywasthatanicebelt.Iusedtohate Mydad’salittleweird.Heneverapproved earlier this year, though, and I think it’s itwhenhetoldmethatthelongerIstayed whenIgottoyshethoughtwerefeminine, doingawholelotbetternow. rightwhereIwas,themorehewouldlove like Cabbage Patch dolls or Care Bears. -ZF mewhenhewasreallyjustheatinguphis It’s not that he ever threw them away. He beltbuckleoveranopenlame.Butthat’s neverevensaidanything,butIcouldtell, I had the best family holidays ever, until thething,youknow?Youjusthadtolike because he would always grab them from the family all died. Since it was a family theguy.Anyway,that’swhyIfeltsobadfor me and stuff them down his pants until outing,wedecidedtogotoa“family”style killinghimthatoneChristmas. they smelled like his balls. When he gave pizzajoint.Iwon’tmentionthename,but -MT them back, he’d say “That ought to even forwritingpurposes,I’lljustmentiontheir thingsout,youlittlehomo.” mascotisaratcalledChuckE.,wholoves IwassosurprisedtheyearIgotthePower -ZF hischeeseandhasroboticfriendsthatsing WheelsJeep,mainlybecauseIwassixteen and dance every damn night. My eleven andexpectedtogetarealcarthatyear.I’d Iwentonthisholidaytriptothemountains childrenandmywifewereallplayinginthe stopped begging for the PW version eight once. It was my whole family: me, my ballpit,youknow,wrestling,throwingballs, yearsearlier.“You’llgetaroundjustinein brother,andmyparents,allreadytoenjoy punchingeachotherinthestomachs;when this,”mydadsaid,endingalldebate.And somefamilytime.Thecarridewasawesome; allofthesuddenWHAMO!!!Theyalldied. eventhoughitwasalittleslowerthanmy mybrotherandIdownedtwosixpacksof Itwastragic,thesheriffsaidheneversaw friends’cars,hewasright.Theonlytrouble Coors in, like, the irst forty minutes. We anythingmoredisgusting,yetslightlyerotic, was,itwashardtogetgirlstohavesexwith got so smashed, and my parents didn’t inhisentirecareer.Nowfamilyholidaysare meinmycar,unlesstheywereeight-year- even notice. While the hazy drunkenness nothing more than a slice of quiche and a olds. wasnice,theexcessivedrinkingmadeurine diet cola. I watch whatever the corporate -KB accumulateinourbladders;thus,PITSTOP! entertainmentworlddeemsholidayviewing Thiswasbyfarthebestpartofthetrip.We andthenfallasleepinapuddleofmyown I really can’t say anything bad about my stopped at some shady little bar on some tears.Ihadafamilyonce,thenWHAMO!!! family.Imean,weputthe“fun”backinto shadylittlestreetlocatedinashadyli’ltown. -DF “functional.” My memory abounds with ThetownwascalledShadyOaks,anicelittle
18 the heuristic squelch•November2002 November2002• the heuristic squelch 19 THE big game Page
Areyoureadyforthe105thBigGame?Areyoupreparedtocelebratethe20thanniversaryoftheGREATESTPLAYinthe historyofcollegefootball?Nay,thegreatestMOMENTinthehistoryoftheWORLD?Asyouawaitthesweet,sweettasteof assured,inevitablevictory,allowustoprimethepumpofourbottomlesswellofStanfordhate.Sogetreadytodigintosome tastybarbecuedpinetree,asweroastStanfordoverthelamesofiniquity.Sports!!
InterviewwithStanfordCoach What’sthedifferencebetween BUDDYTEEVENS(Booo!!!) CalstudentsandStanfordstudents? What’s your favorite type of cookie? CALstudents…gotoclasses. I enjoy chocolate chip cookies; STANFORDstudents…gotoclassesATSTANFORD! whowouldn’t? CALstudents…eatburritos. I don’t. Do you like milk with STANFORDstudents…eatWRAPS! yourcookies? I’mlactoseintolerant. CALstudents…arelikelytobeAsian. I’msorry.How’sthatworkingoutforyou?Whatdo STANFORDstudents…areLESSLIKELYtobeAsian! youdrink? Soy.Soymilk. CALstudents…havesex. Isthatstuffanygood? STANFORDstudents…haveINTERCOURSE! It’snotbad. Icouldneverdrinksoymilk. CALstudents…wearblueandgold(andsometimesred, Yougetusedtoit,actually. iftheyarenotatasportingevent). Are you excited about the upcoming NFL STANFORDstudents…wearred…EXCLUSIVELY!!! playoffs? Suream. Who’syourteam? Poll:WhatdoyouthinkaboutThePlay? DeinitelytheJets. Well,thanksforyourtime,Buddy. CalStudents StanfordStudents Mypleasure. Prettygood:100% Prettygood:0% Notsogood:0% Notsogood:100%
Tree(Dumb!!)MASCOTS Oski(Yay!) RealName:ReginaldIan RealName:OskiDanielO’Reilly Cunningham,LordWestchester Wheels:18 Wheels:7 Displacement:440cuin Displacement:302cuin Stories:55 Stories:37 Elevators:8 Elevators:6 Exits:4 Exits:2 ShoeSize:182 ShoeSize:N/A Vector:N/NW Vector:75°S/SW JazzLegend:TheloniousMonk JazzLegend:MilesDavis
November2002• the heuristic squelch 19 Operation: Two Birds With One Stone
With plans rapidly progressing for the com- mencement of oil drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge, many environmentalists worrythatdrillingwillresult inthedestructionofwildlife habitats. Fortunately, the Bush administration has devel- oped a new plan that gives Alaskan caribou an integral roleintheoildrillingprocess, while simultaneously reduc- ing the number of caribou alivetosufferastheirhabitat isdisturbed. Asshowninthisdetailed schematic,caribouequipped withoildrillswillspinfrom airplanes,hittingtheground with2000newtonsofforce... Why am I telling you this? Lookatthediagram.
1 Diagram FLIGHTPATH 1 Factoringinmomentum,thecaribou- drillmustbedroppedafullmilebefore thedesignatedimpactsite.
2 2 Multiple caribou are deployed on each 3 drilling excursion to increase the likeli- hoodofhittingthetarget.
3 Tailspin and drag factors cause the cariboutospin,primingthedrillsfor maximumborecapability. 4
4 This is a target (“X” added for em- phasis).
5 Preciousdomesticoilgoingtowaste 5 beneath the untouched land of