Albacon 2002 News

Iron Author / Tin Illustrator Edition

During the Saturday Night Extravaganza (SNE) the Iron “It looks just like a cat,” said Josepha. “I wonder why Author / Tin Illustrator competition was held. Mike Resnick the sign says beware of the Nick-DiChario-like alien!” as the author, Josepha Sherman as the Fan- She reached a hand out to pet it. tasy author, Keith DeCandido as the Media author, and Tom The medics were able to save her arm just above the Kidd as the Illustrator faced off. The live audience selected elbow. the following items to incorporate in the creative works: “But why?” asked Josepha. ¥ a book on horse training “I read your latest book,” said the cat-like alien. ¥ a bullwhip (expertly wielded by our own Joe Berlant) No other answer is needed. ¥ a three faced totem pole End ¥ “the sound of three hands clapping” gadget The Amazing Kitty ¥ a wooden log ¥ Sylvia Wendell’s cat by Tom Kidd The contestants were allowed 15 minutes to create their The amazing kitty, whose skill at juggling entertained works, during which the Master’s of Ceremonies, jan Finder the three-armed alien to such an extent that he decided to and Chuck Rothman, regaled the audience with their amaz- spare the Earth from destruction. The sound of three hands ing wit. Mike and Josepha wrote longhand on lines paper, clapping has never been so well received. Keith on his laptop, and Tom on his paper and clipboard. Mike was the first to complete his work, noticeably before the 15 minutes had elapsed, Josepha and Keith fin- ished on time, and Tom was still putting final touches on his work when the time limit expired. Each of the four competi- tors then presented their works. Audience reaction was enthusiastic to all three, with Keith just edging out Mike for the top honors. Here now are the creations of our Iron Authors and Tin Illustrator. Josepha Sherman and the Cat of Doom

by Mike Resnick “Damn!” said Josepha, “This feline creature is fear- some. I’d bullwhip it if I had a bull.” “It can’t be a horse,” said Corporal Finder. “According to my book on horse training, horses are 16 hands high. This is only 3 hands high.” “I saw something like this on a Totem pole once,” replied Josepha. “Interesting things, Totem poles,” said Finder. “I think they make them out of wooden logs.” “Why does it make that purring noise?” asked Josepha. “Is it trying to assuage my fears?” “It seems less alien when it meows,” said Finder.

The Book of Wisdom Within minutes, both senior officers and the doctor beamed down to the planet. The budget didn’t call for any by Josepha Sherman extras this week, so no security guards beamed down. Once in the land of Kat cat there was a princess who had Besides, Kirk was tired of all their funerals. They cut into his a very good gift of art. She had a fine feline. reading time, and he was tired of reading the same eulogy But one catnap later in the day, a catastrophe occurred. over and over. The catalog of the land, the totem file was stolen! So Abby As soon as they materialized on the planet, a giant cat the Princess Cat grabbed her magic Whip of Doom and went approached and said, “MROW!” in search of the Book of Wisdom. “Analysis, Spock.” On the way, she was trapped by the clappers of despair. “It is a feline, Captain,” Spock said after checking his But a nip of cat was enough to soothe the clappers to a cat- tricorder readings. “Identical in almost every respect to a nap. common Earth house cat.” On went Princess Abby to the evil Doggy Snoop Snoop, McCoy shouted, “The blasted thing is the size of a who held the Book of Wisdom. “Begone, Whippersnapper!” house, Spock!” he cried. “I did say in almost every respect, Doctor.” But she snapped back at him, “I want the book!” “Damn literal-minded green-blooded—” But by now, she was no longer a cat. She had become a “Gentlemen,” Kirk said, “this isn’t the time for your little horse. snappy banter.” “Leave me a roan!” Doggy Snoop Snoop cried. The cat chose that moment to run off, leaping over a “You are no palomino!” cried Abby. “Forget that old very large log. Kirk chased after the feline, because, after all, chestnut and give me the book!” it was his duty to seek out new life, and if a cat the size of She snapped the whip and cut Dog Snoopy Snoop Iowa didn’t qualify, he didn’t know what did. across the nose. But he held up the log of catalogs. And her He leapt over the log, but it was late in the season, so he whip carved faces on it. Now the faces were alive. But Abby was a little round around the middle and was unable to clear was a horse -- a happy hoofer -- she kicked the catalog away. the large piece of wood. Aha! Kirk landed facefirst right in front of a miniature totem She snatched up the Book of Wisdom and was trained pole. by it. In fact, she was Amtracked by it -- right back into cat “Odd,” Spock said. “Logically, a planet that would sup- form. port a life form as large as that feline would not have such Feeling kittenish, she took the train back home and items a small as this. Not to mention the fact that cats do not purred happily ever after. have opposable thumbs.” ®: For the World is Silly and “Dammit, Spock!” McCoy screamed, “there isn’t time for this damn logical analysis! Jim’s hurt!” I Have Chased a Cat Spock walked up to him. “Jim, are you all right? What is the sound of three hands clapping?” by Keith R.A. DeCandido “What the hell is that, Spock?” McCoy bellowed. Star Trek created by (spinning in his “It is a common philosophical technique among Vulcans grave even as I type…) used to see if injured people are still rational.” Captain James T. Kirk sat in his quarters on the Starship “Don’t worry,” Kirk said, getting up. “I’m so healthy, I Enterprise, reading an old book on the care of horses. The could crack a bullwhip.” book dated back to the 19th century on old Earth, and the “Captain,” Spock said, “I believe I know what the situa- binding was cracked and falling apart. Luckily, a plot con- tion is. We are on a planet called Contrivance IV.” trivance from the second feature film meant that he collected “We all know that, Spock, get to the point!” McCoy antediluvian items like books. uttered at a large volume. The intercom beeped and the voice of his first officer, “Therefore everything we’ve seen has been inserted by Mr. Spock, sounded over the speakers. “Bridge to Captain an author who put it in for no compellingly good reason. My Kirk.” suggestion is that we beam back to the ship and find a new “What is it, Spock?” Kirk said, setting the book aside writer.” and almost breaking the spine. Kirk gestured emphatically. “Are you sure, Spock? I still “We are approaching Contrivance IV, Captain. Entering haven’t overemoted, and Bones hasn’t said someone’s dead standard orbit.” yet.” “Good. Have Uhura contact Dr. McCoy and meet us in “Well, that’s your own damn fault for not taking security the transporter room. Leave Mr. Scott in charge of the down!” McCoy cried. bridge.” “Kirk to Scotty,” Kirk said, opening his communicator. “Of course, Captain.” “Three to beam up. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Within minutes, the Enterprise warped away at ludi- crous speed….