Literary Lapses
Stephen Leacock Literary Lapses Table of Contents
Literary Lapses...... 1 Stephen Leacock...... 1 My Financial Career...... 2 Lord Oxhead's Secret...... 4 Boarding−House Geometry...... 7 The Awful Fate of Melpomenus Jones...... 8 A Christmas Letter...... 9 How to Make a Million Dollars...... 10 How to Live to be 200...... 12 How to Avoid Getting Married...... 14 How to be a Doctor...... 16 The New Food...... 17 A New Pathology...... 18 The Poet Answered...... 20 The Force of Statistics...... 21 Men Who have Shaved Me...... 22 Getting the Thread of It...... 23 Telling His Faults...... 26 Winter Pastimes...... 27 Number Fifty−Six...... 29 Aristocratic Education...... 31 The Conjurer's Revenge...... 33 Hints to Travellers...... 34 A Manual of Education...... 35 Hoodoo McFiggin's Christmas...... 37 The Life of John Smith...... 38 On Collecting Things...... 40 Society Chat−Chat...... 42 Insurance up to Date...... 43 Borrowing a Match...... 44 A Lesson in Fiction...... 45 Helping the Armenians...... 47 A Study in Still Life. The Country Hotel...... 48 An Experiment With Policeman Hogan...... 49 The Passing of the Poet...... 51 Self−made Men...... 54 A Model Dialogue...... 56 Back to the Bush...... 57 Reflections on Riding...... 60 Saloonio...... 62 Half−hours with the Poets...... 63 A, B, and C...... 69 Acknowledgments...... 71
i Literary Lapses
Stephen Leacock
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• My Financial Career • Lord Oxhead's Secret • Boarding−House Geometry • The Awful Fate of Melpomenus Jones • A Christmas Letter • How to Make a Million Dollars • How to Live to be 200 • How to Avoid Getting Married. • How to be a Doctor • The New Food • A New Pathology • The Poet Answered • The Force of Statistics • Men Who have Shaved Me • Getting the Thread of It • Telling His Faults • Winter Pastimes • Number Fifty−Six • Aristocratic Education • The Conjurer's Revenge • Hints to Travellers • A Manual of Education • Hoodoo McFiggin's Christmas • The Life of John Smith • On Collecting Things • Society Chat−Chat • Insurance up to Date • Borrowing a Match • A Lesson in Fiction • Helping the Armenians • A Study in Still Life. The Country Hotel • An Experiment With Policeman Hogan • The Passing of the Poet • Self−made Men • A Model Dialogue • Back to the Bush • Reflections on Riding • Saloonio • Half−hours with the Poets • A, B, and C • Acknowledgments
Literary Lapses 1 Literary Lapses
This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan.
My Financial Career
When I go into a bank I get rattled. The clerks rattle me; the wickets rattle me; the sight of the money rattles me; everything rattles me.
The moment I cross the threshold of a bank and attempt to transact business there, I become an irresponsible idiot.
I knew this beforehand, but my salary had been raised to fifty dollars a month and I felt that the bank was the only place for it.
So I shambled in and looked timidly round at the clerks. I had an idea that a person about to open an account must needs consult the manager. I went up to a wicket marked Accountant. The accountant was a tall, cool devil. The very sight of him rattled me. My voice was sepulchral.