Starring Pages 158 and 159

MURDER aby lbec 7 WINE MStanley Sour, the universally loathed owner of Sour PUZZLES! Matt Gaffney Grapes Winery, was found dead on Wednesday by morning in his office, clocked across the cranium with a vintage bottle of his own Malbec. Recently named the finest red in California’s Santa Uvita Valley, the bottling certainly proved fine enough to knock out art the man who’d produced it. Sour Grapes Winery is teeming with people by Mark Matcho who wanted Stanley Sour out of the way, and you, the top detective on the Santa Uvita police force, must solve a series of puzzles to figure out whodunit. Your investigators have narrowed the suspect list C down to six possible offenders whose motives run 10 the gamut: revenge, pride, greed and, naturally, disagreement over which wine to serve with which cheese. So open a bottle, grab a pen and get ready to crack the case of Murder by Malbec ... Add up the clues, then see the mystery solved on starring pages 158 and 159.

1 2 Grape Picking suspect: JON QUIL, VINEYARD MANAGER

“My name is Jon Quil, but I know what people around here call me,” the vineyard manager at Sour Grapes Winery grum- bles. “They call me—just a second—excuse me—ah-choo!” His sneeze echoes across the vineyard. “Sorry about that. Anyway, they call me Jonny NyQuil behind my back, because I sneeze so much. And do you know why I sneeze so much? Because ol’ Stan Sour skimped on the fertilizer when I started working here in the ’70s. Saved him some money, but it cost me a lot—no woman wants a man who sneezes every two minutes, so I’ve lived a lonely life. “I tried to sue the—just a second—excuse me—ah-choo! Sorry. Anyway, I tried to sue the old snake a few years back, but I guess a sneezing gardener isn’t tough to out-lawyer. I swear I didn’t kill Mr. Sour, but he ruined my life, so I’m not too upset that somebody took his.” Jon pokes at the vines with a hoe, then looks you up and down. “Well,” he finally says, “if you’re gonna stand here, make yourself useful. There’s grapes that need picking, and you might find some clues to identify who killed that old son of a—I mean, that wonderful man we’re all going to miss so much.”

puzzle #1 H W O B

Each of the 12 clues below leads to a two-word phrase in which B R O E Y N E the first word has three letters and the second word four letters. Cross out each letter in the grape bunch provided. T E E A L S V A E When you’re done, seven letters will remain in the bunch, and when rearranged will reveal another two-word phrase with three letters in the first word and four letters in the second—the answer Q S Y D E U S Y E P to this puzzle. Hint: It’s the bane of any gardener. A A M N C I W O D L 01 Dessert drink made from vine-frozen grapes 02 Puerto Rico’s capital M N I E Y A D K M E I 03 Card game where you make pairs 04 Beatles song that was No. 1 for nine weeks S A E I K J S N A L 05 White wine made from red grapes 06 “What’s up?” in Oaxaca A J U D G E Y I U A 07 State that’s home to Fox Run and Osprey’s Dominion i 08 Johnny Carson’s successor P I N A N G D P D 09 Reply to a superior woman 10 Encouraging speech A R E A G N M 11 Sleepless in Seattle actress 12 “So what!” L R E J

3 Turn, Turn, Turn suspect: VIN CORKER, DIRECTOR OF BOTTLING OPERATIONS

puzzle #2

Rotate the bottles of wine so that the letters at the top of each row reveal words heard at celebrations around the world, one word per rack. For example, would reveal the word WINE.

When you’re finished, the ribboned bottles of wine will spell out (when read downward) a six-letter word that’s the answer to this puzzle.

“My official title is director of bottling yet? No? Well, I’m sure you will. Vin suddenly realizes his hands are operations,” Vin Corker barks, “and here “When their romance became serious, clenched in tight fists, and he makes a in the cellar is where I do my bottling. Sour put a stop to it. It tore Red up real visible effort to relax. He runs a hand over And if you’re wondering whether I’m sorry bad, which was hard enough for me to some dust-covered bottles on a rack, that Stanley Sour is dead, the answer is handle—but then I heard the insults Sour inspecting them to calm himself down. yes and no.” threw around about my son, and that “Listen,” he finally says. “Red is still “And why is that?” you ask. really set me off. You know what Sour said? shook up over this and what happened to “Yes, because he was an excellent busi- ‘No daughter of mine is going to marry a Sour, but I’m at peace with the entire situ- nessman who built this place up from Corker.’ And then he complained about ation now, and completely focused on my scratch. And no, because he insulted my how Red would inherit a big chunk of his work. For instance, look at this special son. You see, Red worked here during money if he and Stella got married. Said room that I built for the cellar. This wooden summers away from college, and he and the money would be a ‘Corkerage fee.’ rack holds our finest Malbec. Only I have Sour’s daughter, Stella, became romanti- What a jerk! There’s no shame in bottling the key to this room—I wouldn’t even trust cally involved. Have you talked to Stella for a living.” Stanley Sour himself with it!”

4 Critical Analysis suspect: TONY PENN, FORMER WINE CRITIC

Tony Penn, formerly a wine critic for the Valley’s largest newspaper, the Santa Uvita Sun, meets you at Sour Grapes Winery at your request. “Stanley Sour’s vintages metaphorically encap- sulated his persona,” he declares right off the bat. “Each bottle is a mawkish incantation of potential unfulfilled, a phantasmagoria of bile spilling across the pages of the universe. There’s just enough dis- appointment in each glass to cause veritable outrage at the vintner.” When you raise an eyebrow at that, Tony quickly backpedals. “Well, I was not outraged at him, but somebody evidently was. I did not care for the man at all, though, especially after he caused my employer to fire me last year.” “How?” you ask. “First, he threatened to withhold advertising dol- lars from the Sun. Then, he concocted an outrageous tale about me threatening one of his staff. Such non- sense! On a working visit last year, some gardener in the vineyard was sneezing several hundred times in a row, and I told him to cease his noisemaking or I would have him terminated. By which I meant ‘fired,’ of course, but Sour twisted my words into a threat of violence. I was sacked the following day.” puzzle Plum critiquing gigs are difficult to come by, and # Tony’s current job duties—razoring price tags off 3 $4 bottles at Crazy Lou’s Wine and Beer Shack downtown—has been less fulfilling than his job Each of Tony Penn’s withering lines of prose conceals the name of one wine. For at the Sun. Nevertheless, the critic states, “I most example, “I found the tasting too formal because of the expensive crystal” is assuredly did not kill Stanley Sour, although I made hiding the word “Malbec.” Take the first letter of each wine that you no secret of my distaste for his work.” uncover and string them together to form the answer to this puzzle. He proudly hands you a clippings file of the reviews he’s written. “Here—see for yourself.”

Remove Sour’s careless bottling procedures from the equation and this 1 would be such a blissful vintage. I do not know how much longer Sour can put this scam on till adoring 2 fans finally comprehend that he is a rank charlatan. Were it my decision, medieval police llamas would patrol Stanley Sour’s 3 vineyards, trampling his grapes before they soured my stemware. Why would this impostor vie to capture winemaking prizes instead of 4 simply leaving our fair business altogether? I am unable to conjure up a single dining scenario jabbering sommeliers 5 such as Pierre DeGoût would be welcome in.

6 The very finest wine I have ever sampled from Sour Grapes was just okay.

5 Accounts Deceivable suspect: INA FEIL, BUSINESS MANAGER

“Files, files, files—that’s all I’ve got around here,” gripes Ina Feil, business manager of Sour Grapes Winery. She lights a cigarette, inhales and blows a ring of smoke at your face. “Now, I understand that your relationship with Stanley Sour had become strained in recent months,” you manage to say between coughs. Ina narrows her eyes. “How do you mean?” “Our records show that Mr. Sour had contacted the Santa Uvita Police Department about you. That he suspected you of … embezzlement.” The cigarette falls from Ina’s lips. “He—he did? Me? I can’t believe it.” “Yes. And they also told me that you knew about it.” Ina retrieves the cigarette, stubs it out on her desk, and says coolly, “Well, let me tell you something about old Stanley, detective—he suspected every employee of stealing from him. The gardener stole tools; the bottle guy stole chemicals— everyone was here to fleece him. Heck, I’d be shocked if he didn’t think his business manager was crooked.” “But you’re not?” Ina pauses, even though it’s not a question one should have to think about. “Of course not,” she finally shrugs. “All my work is on the up and up.” “May I see that expense report?” you ask, point- ing to a sheet of paper on her desk. “Uh, this one? Well, um … OK.” She slowly hands the report over to you, looking extremely uncomfortable.

puzzle #4

Ina Feil has obviously doctored the numbers on this expense report—but she’s doctored some letters, too. Change just one letter in each word on the list of expensed items to come up with seven two-word phrases that, unlike the suspicious items on Ina’s list, are supplies that a winery would actually order. For example, FINE CORN could be changed to WINE CORK. When you’ve identified all seven items, rearrange the seven missing letters in the first words of the items and the seven missing letters in the second words to form two seven-letter words that are the answers to this puzzle. Hint: Both words reference Ina Feil in some way.

6 Pierre’s Pairs suspect: PIERRE DEGOÛT, SOMMELIER

Pierre DeGoût had a reputation as the finest Provençal sommelier in California—until he was hired by Stanley Sour to work at the WINE CHEESE winery’s restaurant. “That man,” the sommelier sniffs as he puts some wines and cheeses out on a table, “has destroyed the reputa- 1 1 tion of Pierre. I can no longer find work so easily with the way he speaks—excusez-moi, the way he spoke—about my abilities to his wealthy friends.” He adds, “Let me only say this: It was not I who smashed a wine over his head … but I cried more for the ruined bottle of Malbec than I did for that man.” Pierre finishes laying out the food and drink. “Mais oui, even a 2 simple inspecteur such as yourself can figure this out. Pierre washes his hands of the whole dirty business.” And with a Gallic shrug, 2 he walks off. puzzle # 5 3

Identify and pair these wines and cheeses using Pierre’s unusual method—matching them by their first letter. 3 One cheese will be left over. If you have found the right cheese, rearranging its letters will reveal a word that describes the color of some wines, which is the answer to this puzzle. 4

5 6

6 7

7 It’s Been Said suspect: STELLA SOUR, DAUGHTER OF VICTIM

“It says here the winery pays you $90,000 a year,” you tell Stella Sour, daughter and last living relative of Stanley Sour, as you flip through your notes. “And your job title is ‘wine historian.’ You want to tell me about that?” “What’s to tell?” she shoots back. “I’m an expert on all aspects of wine history.” “What aspect is worth 90 grand a year to the winery?” Stella winces. Ina Feil has already told you that Stella does nothing but show up a couple of days a week, sit around, drink wine, and—until she became serious with Vin Corker’s son, Red—flirt with a large number of male customers. “I educate the winemakers here on wine history,” she says defensively. “That’s very important. And I plan activities at the winery based on my research, which brings in visitors. For example, every Friday night I host a wine trivia contest in the tasting room. Dozens of people show up for it, and they spend a lot of money.” “I see. Well, today’s Friday. You have your questions done for tonight?” “As a matter of fact, I do,” she says, handing you a sheet of paper. “Here.” You look over the puzzle as Stella explains, “I give a copy of this sheet to each table. There are eight quota- tions about wine, from various historical times, and the players have to match them to the eight famous people who said them, entering the names into the grid. The puzzle team that does it fastest gets a bottle of daddy’s—I mean, Sour # Grapes Winery’s—Cabernet Sauvignon.” 6 “Why aren’t the boxes flush?” you ask Stella. “The first two lines start evenly, but then the third one is two spaces to the right, the Match each of the quotes with the famous one after that jumps back a space, and so on. Why aren’t the lines person who said it, then enter the names in the appropriate even?” row. When you have placed the eight names correctly, Ina Feil’s Stella snatches the sheet back and scans it. “Huh, that’s strange,” hidden dig at Stella Sour will be revealed in the shaded column; she says, scratching her head. “I don’t know why it’s like that. I had it is also the eight-letter word that’s the answer to this puzzle. Ina Feil typeset the puzzle and print it out on her computer, but I don’t know why she spaced it that way. I’m sure it was uninten- AESCHYLUS BROWNING FRANKLIN tional. … At any rate, see how well you do on this quiz. I call it JEFFERSON NAPOLEON NIETZSCHE ‘Gauging Historical Attitudes Toward Wine.’ ” P.J. O’ROURKE W.C. FIELDS

01 01 “Many writers are neither spirit nor wine, but rather spirits- of-wine: They can catch fire, and then they give off heat.” 02 02 “But thanks to wine-lees and democracy, we’ve still our stage where truth calls spade a spade!” 03 03 “Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” 04 04 “I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.” 05 05 “Bronze is the mirror of the form; wine, of the heart.”

06 06 “If you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.” 07 07 “I double the doctor’s recommendation of a glass and a half of wine a day and even treble it with a friend.” 08 08 “In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat, you need it.”

8 Whodunit? puzzle #7

You’ve gathered information on all six suspects, and now it’s time to puzzle out the identity of the murderer. Who smashed a bottle of Malbec over the head of Stanley Sour? Was it the vengeful gardener, the slighted director of bottling operations, the fired wine critic, the unscrupulous business manager, the offended sommelier or the winery owner’s own greedy daughter? Fill in the seven answers to the first six puzzles in the spaces below, then figure out 13 additional wine-related terms using the clues provided. Using the numbers beneath your answers, enter letters into the corresponding boxes of the acrostic grid. For your convenience, the letters provided next to the numbers in the boxes refer back to their question line. Note that words in the grid end at the black squares, not necessarily at the right-hand edge of the grid. When you’re finished, you’ll have cracked open a case of Malbec—and of murder.

A. Answer to “Grape Picking” K. Grape also called “Chasselas” in Switzerland 153 27 87 131 3 96 160 62 33 104 119 52 68 41 B. Answer to “Turn, Turn, Turn” L. Vintner’s weather calculation 150 73 141 115 6 53 134 45 146 36 24 56 162 13 142 71 C. Answer to “Critical Analysis” M. It can be long or short, when tasting wine 98 30 117 147 159 20 11 161 100 114 75 29 D. First answer to “Accounts Deceivable” N. Ancient Mosel region grape 46 135 145 16 4 67 94 90 8 32 14 163 121 146 E. Second answer to “Accounts Deceivable” O. Long Island appellation 13 76 58 44 18 38 123 70 113 158 151 58 12 46 88 80 40 140 F. Answer to “Pierre’s Pairs” P. Jess Jackson’s first wife’s maiden name 12 48 102 127 154 19 82 37 78 107 52 157 42 G. Answer to “It’s Been Said” Q. Frizzante characteristic 136 143 35 9 126 64 84 22 83 101 129 34 159 117 39 65 23 120 144 17 152 H. Fiasco contents R. Rutherford winery specializing in Cabernet Sauvignon 122 124 69 86 128 1 77 I. Unit for measuring crop size 111 139 59 7 91 26 109 164 116 28 74 138 18 66 130 85 13 157 47 93 135 92 50 J. Big wine name in Pauillac S. Dry, in Darmstadt 155 81 61 49 95 125 78 T. Premier vineyard in Nuits-St.-Georges 12 103 64 105 5 78 81 99 156 21 31 49 55 118 57 63 25 133 149 79 27 163 14 8 106 132 1H 23A4D5J6B7I 8N 9G 10 11M 12F 13E 14N 15 16D 17Q 18E 19F 20C 21J 22G 23Q 24L 25T 26I 27A

28I 29M 30C 31J 32N 33K 34Q 35G 36L 37P 38E 39Q 40O 41K

42P 43 44E 45L 46D 47R 48F 49J 50R 51 52K 53B 54 55J 56L 57J 58E 59I 60 61S 62K 63J 64G 65Q 66R 67D 68K 69H 70O 71L 72 73B 74R 75M 76E 77H 78P 79T 80O 81J 82P 83Q 84G 85R 86H 87A 88O 89 90N 91I 92R 93R 94D 95S 96A 97 98C 99J 100M 101Q 102F 103J 104K 105J 106T 107P 108 109I 110 111I112 113O 114M 115B 116I 117C 118J 119K 120Q 121N 122H 123E

124H 125S126G 127F 128H 129Q 130R 131A 132T 133T 134L 135D136G 137

138R 139I 140O 141B 142L 143G 144Q 145D 146L 147C 148 149T 150B 151O

152Q 153A154F 155S 156J 157P 158O 159Q 160A 161M 162L 163N 164I